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THOMAS MIDDLETON
VOLUME THE SECOND
THE WORKS
OF
THOMAS MIDDLETON
EDITED BY
A. H. BULLEN, B.A.
IN EIGHT VOLUMES
VOLUME THE SECOND
LONDON
JOHN C. NIMMO
14, KING WILLIAM STREET, STRAND, W.C.
MDCCCLXXXV
/
y^J^^
BALLANTYNB, HANSON AND CO.
EDINBURGH AND LONDON
:r ' /'t
CONTENTS OF VOL. II.
HAGE
THE MAYOR OF QUEENBOROUGH i x
THE OLD LAW 117
A TRICK TO CATCH THE OLD ONE .... 247
PUBLISHER'S NOTICE.
Four hundred copies of this Edition have been printed
and the type distributed. No more will be published.
THE
MAYOR OF QUEENBOROUGH
VOL. II.
The Mayer of QuiiUoreugh : A Comtdy. As it hath btttt eftat
Atltd with much Applause al Blatk-Fryars, By His Majeslies Ser-
vants. Wrillen by The. Middt^on. London, Printed far Henry
Herringman, and are to be sold at his Shep ai the Sign of the Biew-
AnehoT m the ttnoer-Watk of the New-Exchatige. i66t. ^to.
\
y
Gentlemen,
You have the first flight of him, I assure you. This
Mayor of Queenboroughy whom you have all heard of,
and some of you beheld upon the stage, now begins to
walk abroad in print : he has been known sufficiently by
the reputation of his wit, which is enough, by the way,
to distinguish him from ordinary mayors ; but wit, you
know, has skulked in comers for many years past,^ and
he was thought to have most of it that could best hide
himself. Now whether this magistrate feared the deci-
mating times, or kept up the state of other mayors, that
are bound not to go out of their liberties during the time
of their mayoralty, I know not : *tis enough for me to
put him into your hands, under the title of an honest
man, which will appear plainly to you, because you shall
find him all along to have a great pique to the rebel
Oliver. I am told his drollery yields to none the Eng-
lish drama did ever produce \ and though I would not
put his modesty to the blush, by speaking too much in
his commendation, yet I know you will agree with me,
upon your better acquaintance with him, that there is
some difference in point of wit betwixt the Mayor oj
Qucenborough and the Mayor of Huntingdon^
1 The play-houses had been shut up by the Puritans.
3 Huntingdon was the birth-place of Oliver Cromwell
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
CONSTANTIUS, \
AuRELius Ambrosius, > sons ^ Const ANTiNE.
Uther Pendragon, )
vortiger.
VoRTiMER, his son.
Hengist.
HORSUS.
Simon, a tanner, Mayor of Queer^orough,
Aminadab, his clerk,
Oliver, a fustian-weaver, \
Glover, ^
Barber, i
Tailor, ,
Felt-monger, \
Button-maker,
Graziers,
Players.
Gentlemen,
Murderers,
Soldiers J Footmen, &*c, ^
Castiza, daughter to Devonshire.
RoxENA, daughter to Hengist.
Ladies,
Raynulph Higden, Monk of Chester , as Chorus. \
\
\
\
THE
MAYOR OF QUEENBOROUGH
ACT I.
Enter Raynulph.^
Ray, What Raynulph, monk of Chester, can
Raise from his Polychronicon,
That raiseth him, as works do men,
To see long-parted light agen,
That best may please this round fair ring.
With sparkling diamonds circled in,
I shall produce. If all my powers
Can win the grace of two poor hours,^
1 Raynulph Higden, the compiler of the Polychronicon, was a Bene-
dictine of St Werberg's monastery in Chester, where he died, in or
about 136a His chronicle, translated into English by John de Trevisa,
was printed by Caxton in 1482.
3 The ordinary length of a performance seems to have been two hours.
Cf. Prologue to Henry VIII. ;—
" Those that come to see
Only a show or two, and so agree
The play may pass, if they be still and willing,
I'll undertake may see away their shilling
In two short hours. "
See also the Induction to Michaelmas Term; Prologue to Romeo
and Juliet, &c.
6 Mayor of Queenborough, [act i.
Well apaid I go to rest.
Ancient stories have been best ; lo
Fashions, that are now call'd new,
Have been worn by more than you ;
Elder times have us'd the same,
Though these new ones get the name :
So in story what now told
That takes not part with days of old ?
Then to approve time's mutual glory,
Join new time's love to old time's story. \Exit.
SCENE 1.
Before a Monastery y
Shouts 7vithin ; then enter Vortiger, carrying the crown.
Vort, Will that wide-throated beast, the multitude, j
Never leave bellowing ? Courtiers are ill f
AdvisM when they first make such monsters.
How near was I to a sceptre and a crown !
Fair power was even upon me ; my desires
Were casting glory, till this forked rabble,
li
>
1 ' ' The place of action is not noted in the old ed. , and Middleton seems
to have troubled himself little about the matter. After some hesitation,
I have marked the present scene '•Before a Monastery,* on account of
what Constantius says at p. 12 :
' In mind |
I will be always A^fv/ here let me stay.' \
That the scene cannot be •within the monastery, is shown by the •
entrance of the two Graziers."— />yrtf. ^
\
^1
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 7
With their infectious acclamations,
Poison'd my fortunes for Constantine's sons.
Well, though I rise not king, Fll seek the means
To grow as near to one as policy can, lo
And choke their expectations.
Enter Devonshire and Stafford.
Now, good lords,
In whose kind loves and wishes I am built
As high as human dignity can aspire,
Are yet those trunks, that have no other souls
But noise and ignorance, something more quiet ?
Devon, Nor are they like to be, for aught we gather :
Their wills are up still ; nothing can appease them ;
Good speeches are but cast away upon them.
Vort. Then, since necessity and fate withstand me,
1*11 strive to enter at a straiter passage. 20
Your sudden aid and counsels, good my lords.
Staff. They're ours no longer than they do you service.
Enter Constantius in the habit of a monk^ attended by
Germanus and Lupus : as they are going into the
monastery^ Vortiger stays them,
Vort, Vessels of sanctity, be pleasM a while
To give attention to the general peace.
Wherein heaven is serv'd too, though not so purely.
Constantius, eldest son of Constantine,
We here seize on thee for the general good,
And in thy right of birth.
j^- '
8 Mayor of Queenborough. [act i.
Const On me ! for what, lords ?
Vort, The kingdom's government.
Const O powers of blessedness,
Keep me from growing downwards into earth again ! 30
I hope I'm further on my way than sa—
Set forwards !
Vort, You must not.
Const How !
Vort I know your wisdom
Will light upon a way to pardon us,
When you shall read in every Briton's brow
The urg'd necessity of the times.
Const What necessity can there be in the world.
But prayer and repentance ? and that business
I am about now.
Vort. Hark, afar off still !
We lose and hazard much. — Holy Germanus
And reverend Lupus, with all expedition 40
Set the crown on him.
Const No such mark of fortune
Comes near my head.
Vort, My lord, we're forc'd to rule you.
Const, Dare you receive heaven's light in at your eye-
lids.
And offer violence to religion ?
Take heed ;
The very beam let in to comfort you
May be the fire to bum you. On these knees,
[^Kneeling,
Hardened with zealous prayers, I entreat you
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 9
Bring not my cares into the world again !
Think with how much unwillingness and anguish 5°
A glorified soul parted from the body
Would to that loathsome jail again return ;
With such great pain a well-subdu'd affection
Re-enters worldly business,
Vort. Good my lord,
I know you cannot lodge so many virtues,
But patience must be one. As low as earth
{Kneeling with Devonshire and Stafford.
We beg the freeness of your own consent,
Which else must be constraint ; and time it were
Either agreed or forc'd. Speak, good my lord,
For you bind up more sins in this delay 60
Than thousand prayers can absolve again.
Const Were't but my death, you should not kneel so
long for*t.
Vort, 'Twill be the death of millions if you rise not,
And that betimes too.— Lend your help, my lords,
For fear all come too late.
\They rise and raise Constantjus.
Const This is a cruelty
That peaceful man did never suffer yet,
To make me die again, that once was dead.
And begin all that ended long before.
Hold, Lupus and Germanus : you are lights
Of holiness and religion ; can you offer 70
The thing that is not lawful ? stand not I
Clear from all temporal charge by my profession ?
Ger, Not when a time so violent calls upon you.
lo • Mayor of Queenborough. [acti.
Who's bom a prince, js born for ^ general peace,
Not his own only : heaven will look for him
In others' acts,^ and will require * him there.
What is in you religious, must be shown
In saving many more souls than your own.
Const Did not great Constantine, our noble father,
Deem me unfit for government and rule, 80
And therefore pressed * me into this profession ?
Which IVe held strict, and love it above glory.
Nor is there want of me : yourselves can witness.
Heaven hath provided largely for your peace.
And bless'd you with the lives of my two brothers :
Fix your obedience there, leave me a servant.
\They put the crown on the head 0/ Constastivs,
AIL Long live Constantius, son of Constantine,
King of Great Britain !
Const, I do feel a want
And extreme poverty of joy within;
The peace I had is parted 'mongst rude men ; 90
To keep them quiet, I have lost it all.
What can the kingdom gain by my undoing ?
That riches is not best, though it be mighty.
That's purchased by the ruin of another ;
Nor can the peace, so filch'd, e'er thrive with them :
And iPt be worthily held sacrilege
To rob a temple, 'tis no less offence
To ravish meditations from the soul,
1 Old ed. " a." » Old ed. •• actions."
» So the old ed.— Dyce reads " requite." * Old ed. *' praU'd.**
1
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborougk, - 1 1
The consecrated altar in a man : .
And all their hopes will be beguil'd in me ; loo
I know no more the way to temporal rule,
Than he that's bom and has his years come to him
In a rough desert.^ Well may the weight kill me ;
And that's the fairest good I look for from it.
Vort, Not so, great king : here stoops a faithful .
servant
Would sooner perish under it with cheerfulness,
Than your meek soul should feel oppression
Of ruder cares : such common coarse employments
Cast upon me your servant, upon Vortiger.
I see you are not made for noise and pains, "o
Clamours of suitors, injuries, and redresses,
Millions of actions, rising with the sun,
Like laws still ending, and yet never done.
Of power to turn a great man to the state
Of his marble monument with over-watching.
To be oppressed is not required of you, my lord.
But only to be king. The broken sleeps
Let me take from you, sir ;' the toils and troubles,
All that is burthenous in authority.
Please you lay it on me, and what is glorious 120
Receive't to your own brightness.
Canst Worthy Vortiger,
If 'twere not sin to grieve another's patience
1 In his essay The Superannuated Man, Charles Lamb quoted the
words '*he that's bom . . . desert," but by a slight change (reading
" In some green desert") gave a novel and richer meaning to the
passage.
1 2 Mayor of QueenborougK [act i.
With what we cannot tolerate ourself,
How happy were I in thee and thy love !
There's nothing makes man feel his miseries
But knowledge only : reason, that is plac'd
For man's director, is his chief afflictor ;
For though I cannot bear the weight myself,
I cannot have that barrenness of remorse,^
To see another groan under my burthen, 130
Vort. I'm quite blown up a conscionable way :
There's even a trick of murdering in some pity.
The death of all my hopes I see already :
There was no other likelihood, for religion
Was never friend of mine yet. \Aside,
Const Holy partners in strictest abstinence,
Cniel necessity hath forc'd me from you :
We part, I fear, for ever ; but in mind
I will be always here ; here let me stay.
Devon. My lord, you know the times. 140
Const Farewell, blest souls ; I fear I shall offend :
He that draws tears from you takes your best friend.
\Exeunt Constantius, Devonshire, and Staf-
ford; while Lupus and Germanus enter the
monastery*
Vort, Can the great motion of ambition stand,
Like wheels false wrought by an unskilful hand ?
Then, Time, stand thou too : let no hopes arrive
At their sweet wishfulness, till mine set forwards.
Would I could stay thy^ existence, as I can
1 i.e. pity. a Old ed. "the."
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough, • 1 3
Thy glassy counterfeit in hours of sand 1
I'd keep thee turn'd down, till my wishes rose ;
Then we'd both rise together. 150
What several inclinations are in nature \
How much is he disquieted, and wears royalty
Disdainfully upon him, like a curse !
Calls a fair crown the weight of his afflictions !
When here's a soul would sink under the burthen,
Yet well recover't.^ I will use all means
To vex authority from him, and in all
Study what most may discontent his blood,
Making my mask my zeal to the public good
Not possible a richer pKjlicy 160
Can have conception in the thought of man.
Enter two Graziers.
First Graz, An honourable life enclose your lordship !
Vort. Now, what are you ?
Second Graz, Graziers, if t like your lordship.
Vort. So it should seem by your enclosures.
What's your affair with me ?
First Graz, We are your
Petitioners, my lord.
Vort, For what ? depart :
Petitioners to me ! you've well deserv'd
My grace and favour. Have you not a ruler
After your own election ? hie you to court ;
1 Old ed, "recovered."
\
1 4 Mayor of Queendorougk. [act i.
Get near and close, be loud and bold enough, 170
You cannot choose but speed. [Exit
Second Graz. If that will do't,
We have throats wide enough ; we'll put them to't
[Exeunt
Dumb Show.
Fortune discovered^ in her hand a round ball full oj
lots ; then enters Hengist and Horsus, with
others : they draw lots, and having opened them^
all depart save Hengist and Horsus, who kneel
and embrace : then enter Roxena, seeming to take
have of Hengist in grecU passion} but more
especially and warily of Horsus, her lover: she
departs one way^ Hengist and Horsus another.
Enter Raynulph.
Ray, When Germany was overgrown
With sons of peace too thickly sown,
Several guides were chosen then
By destin'd lots, to lead out men \
And they whom Fortune here withstands
Must prove their fates in other lands.
On these two captains fell the lot ;
But that which must not be forgot,
Was Roxena's cunning grief;
Who from her father, like a thief, 10
Hid her best and truest tears,
Which her lustful lover wears
1 i
t.e, sorrow.
i.J
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 1 5
In many a stoln and wary kiss,
Unseen of father. Maids do this,
Yet highly scorn to be caird strumpets too :
But what they lack oft, I'll be judg'd by you. [Exit
SCENE II.
A Hall in the Palace,
Enter Vortiger, Felt-monger, Button-maker, Graziers,
and other Petitioners,
Vort. This way his majesty comes.
All: Thank your good lordship.
Vort, When you hear yon door open —
All Very good, my lord.
Vort, Be ready with your several suits ; put forward.
Graz, That's a thing every man does naturally, sir.
That is a suitor, and doth mean to speed.
Vort. 'Tis well you're so deep learn'd. Take no
denials.
AIL No, my good lord.
Vort, Not any, if you love
The prosperity of your suits : you mar all utterly,
And overthrow your fruitful hopes for ever.
If either fifth or sixth, nay, tenth repulse 10
Fasten upon your bashfulness.
AIL Say you so, my lord ?
We can be troublesome if we list.
Vort, I know it :
\
N
1 6 Mayor of Queenborough. [act i.
I felt it but too late in the general sum
Of your rank brotherhood, which now I thank you for.—
While this vexation is in play, Til study
For a second ; then a third to that ; one still
To vex another, that he shall be glad
To yield up power ; if not, it shall be had.
\Aside^ and exit.
Butt, Hark ! I protest, my heart was coming upwards :
I thought the door had opened.
Graz, Marry, would it had, sir ! 21
Butt, I have such a treacherous heart of my own,
'twill throb at the very fall of a farthingale.
Graz, Not if it fall on the rushes.^
Butt, Yes, truly ; if there be no light in the room, I
shall throb presently. The first time it took me, my
wife was in the company : I remember the room was not
half so light as this ; but 111 be sworn I was a whole
hour in finding her.
Graz, Byrlady, y'had a long time of throbbing of it
then. 31
Butt, Still I felt men, but I could feel no women ; I
thought they had been all sunk. I have made a vow
for't, 111 never have meeting, while I live, by candle-
light again.
Graz, Yes, sir, in lanterns.
Butt, Yes, sir, in lanterns j but I'll never trust candle
naked again.
1 Before the introduction of carpets, floors were commonly strewn
with rushes.
scEHE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 1 7
Graz. Hark, hark ! stand close : it opens now indeed !
Butt O majesty, what art thoul I'd give any man
half my suit to deliver my petition : it is in the behalf of
button-makers, and so it seems by my flesh. ^ 42
Enter Constantius in regal attire, and two Gentlemen.
Const, Pray do not follow me, unless you do it
To wonder at my garments ; there's no cause
I give you why you should : 'tis shame enough,
Methinks, to look upon myself;
It grieves me that more should. The other weeds
Became me better, but the lords are pleasM
To force me to wear these ; I would not else :
I pray be satisfied ; I call'd you not. 50
Wonder of madness ! can you stand so idle,
And know that you must die ?
First Gent, We're all commanded, sir \
Besides, it is our duties to your grace.
To give attendance.
Const, What a wild thing is this !
No marvel though you tremble at death's name.
When you'll not see the cause why you are fools.
For charity's sake, desist here, I pray you !
Make not my presence guilty of your sloth :
Withdraw, young men, and find you honest business.
Second Gent What hopes have we to rise by following
him? 60
I'll give him over shortly.
First Gent, He's too nice,
1 "An allusion to a very gross saying, which will be found in Ray's
Proverbs, p. 179, ed* 1737." — Dyu,
VOL. II. B
/
1 8 Mayor of Queenborough. [act i.
Too holy for young gentlemen to follow
That have good faces and sweet running fortunes.
\Exeuni Gentlemen.
Const Eight hours a-day in serious contemplation
Is but a bare allowance ; no higher food
To the soul than bread and water to the body ;
And that's but needful ; then more would do better.
Butt Let us all kneel together ; 'twill moVe pity :
I've been at the begging of a hundred suits.
\All the Petitioners kneel.
Const. How happy am I in the sight of you I 70
Here are religious souls, that lose not time :
With what devotion do they point at heaven,
And seem to check me that am too remiss !
I bring my zeal among you, holy men :
If I see any kneel, and I sit out, [Kneels,
That hour is not well spent. Methinks, strict souls,
You have been of some order in your times.
Graz, Graziers and braziers some, and this a felt-
maker.
Butt Here's his petition and mine, if it like your
grace. [Giving petitions. 81
Graz, Look upon mine, I am the longest suitor j I was
undone seven years ago.
Const [rising with the others^. You've mock'd
My good hopes. Call you these petitions ?
Why, there's no form of prayer among them all
Butt. Yes, in the bottom there is half a line
Prays for your majesty, if you look on mine.
Const Make your requests to heaven, not to me.
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 1 9
Butt 'Las ! mine's a supplication for brass buttons,
sir. 91
Felt There's a great enormity in wool ; I beseech your
grace consider it.
Graz, Pastures rise two-pence an acre ; what will this
world come to !
Butt I do beseech your grace
Graz, Good your grace
Const O, this is one of my afflictions
That with the crown enclosed me ! I must bear it,
Graz. Your grace's answer to my supplication. 100
Butt Mine, my lord. ^
Const, No violent storm lasts ever ;
That is the comfort oft.
Felt Your highness's answer.
Graz, We are almost all undone, the country beggar'd.
Butt See, see, he points at heaven, as who should say
There's enough there: but 'tis a great way thither.
There's no good to be done, I see that already ; we may
all spend our mouths like a company of hounds in chase
of a royal deer, and then go home and fall to cold mutton-
bones, when we have done. iii
Graz, My wife will hang me, that's my currish destiny.
\Exeunt all except Constantius.
Const Thanks, heaven ! 'tis o'er now : we should ne'er
know rightly
The sweetness of a calm, but for a storm.
Here's a wish'd hour for contemplation now ;
All's still and silent; here is a true kingdom.
20 Mayor of Qtuenborough. [act i.
Re-enter Vorttger.
Vort My lord.
Const Again?
Vort, Alas, this is but early
And gentle to the troops of businesses
That flock about authority ! you must forthwith
Settle your mind to marry.
Const, How! to marry? 120
Vort, And suddenly^ there's no pause to be given ;
The people's wills are violent, and covetous
Of a succession from your loins. . , ^
Const, From me
There can come none : a professed abstinence
Hath set a virgin seal upon my blood, •;•
And alter'd all the course; the heat I have .
Is all enclosed within a zeal to virtue,
And that's not fit for earthly propagation.
Alas, I shall but forfeit all their hopes ! ;;
I'm a man made without desires, tell them. ITP
Vort. I prov'd them with such words, but all were
fruitless.
A virgin of the highest subject's blood i:
They have picked out for your embrace, and send her,
Bless'd with their general wishes, into fruitfulnesS. ,•• . ',>
Lo ! where she comes, my lord.
-£«/<fr Castiza. . .
Const, I never felt
Th' unhappy hand of misery till this touch :
A patience I could find for all but t]iis.
_%
•«.»
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 2 t
Cast My lord, your vow'd love ventures me but dan-
gerously.
Vort. 'Tis but to strengthen a vexation politic.
CasO That's an uncharitable practice, trust me, sir. 140
Vbrt. No more of that.
Cast But say he should affect me, sir.
How should I 'scape him then ? I have but one
Faith, my lord, and that you have already ;
Our late contract is a divine witness to't
Vort, I am not void of shifting-rooms and helps
For all projects that I commit with you. \^Exit
Cast This is an ungodly way to come to honour ;
I do not like it : I love lord Vortiger,
But not these practices ; they're too uncharitable.
[Aside.
Const Are you a virgin ?
Cast Never yet, my lord, ^So
Known to the will of man.
Const O blessed creature !
And does too much felicity make you surfeit?
Are you in soul assur'd there is a state
Prepar'd for you, for you, a glorious one.
In midst of heaven, now in the state you stand in,
And had you rather, after much known misery,
Cares and hard labours, mingled with a curse.
Throng but to the door, and hardly get a place there ?
Think, hath the world a folly like this madness ?
Keep still that holy and immaculate fire, 160
1 Old cd. •• Omar
2 2 Mayor of Queen borough. [act i.
You chaste lamp ^ of eternity ! 'tis a treasure
Too precious for death's moment to partake,
This twinkling of short life. Disdain as much
To let mortality know you, as stars
To kiss the pavements ; you've a substance as
Excellent as theirs, holding your pureness :
They look upon corruption, as you do.
But are stars still ; be you a virgin too.
Cast, I'll never marry. What though my truth be
engag'd
To Vortiger? forsaking all the world i7o
I save it well, and do my faith no wrong. [^Aside,
You've mightily prevail'd, great virtuous sir ;
I'm bound eternally to praise your goodness :
My thoughts henceforth shall be as pure from man.
As ever made a virgin's name immortal.
Const. I will do that for joy, I never did,
Nor ever will again.
As he kisses her, re-enter Vortiger and Gentlemen.
First Gent. My lord, he's taken.
Vort, I'm sorry for't, I like not that so well ;
They're something too familiar for their time, methinks.
This way of kissing is no way to vex him : i8o
Why I, that have a weaker faith and patience.
Could endure more than that, coming from a woman.
Despatch, and bring his answer speedily. {Exit,
First Gent, My lord, my gracious lord !
1 Old ed. "lump."
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 2
->
Const Beshrew thy heart !
Second Gent They all attend your grace.
Const I would not have them :
'Twould please me better, if they'd all depart,
And leave me to myself; or put me out,
And take it to themselves.
First Gent The noon is past ;
Meat's on the table.
Const Meat ! away, get from me ;
Thy memory is diseased ; what saint's eve's this ? 190
First Gent Saint Agatha's, I take it.
Const Is it so ?
I am not worthy to be serv'd before her ;
And so return, I pray.
Second Gent He'll starve the guard, if this be suffered :
if we set court bellies by a monastery clock, he that
breaks a fellow's pate now, will not be able to crack a
louse within this twelvemonth.
\^Asidey and exeunt Gentlemen.
Const, 'Tis sure forgetfulness, and not man's will.
That leads him forth into licentious ways ;
He cannot certainly commit such errors, 200
And think upon them truly as the/re acting.
Why's abstinence ordain'd, but for such seasons ?
Re-enter Vortiger.
Vort, My lord, you've pleas'd to put us to much pains.
But we confess 'tis portion of our duty.
Will your grace please to walk ? dinner stays for you.
Const, I've answer'd that already.
24 Mayor of Queenborough. [act i.
Vort, But, my lord,
We must not so yield to you : pardon me,
'Tis for the general good ; you must be rul'd, sir ;
Your health and life is dearer to us now :
Think where you are, at court ; this is no monastery. 210
Const. But, sir, my conscience keeps still where it
was :
I may not eat this day.
Vort, WeVe sworn you shall,
And plentifully too : we must preserve you, sir,
Though you be wilful ; 'tis no slight condition
To be a king.
Const, Would I were less than man !
Vort, You ^ will make the people rise, my lord.
In great despair of your continuance.
If you neglect the means that must sustain you.
Const, I never eat on eves.
Vort. But now you must ;
It concerns others' healths that you take food : 220
IVe chang'd your life, you well may change your mood.
Const, This is beyond all cruelty.
Vort, 'Tis our care, my lord. \Exeunt,
lOJded. "WiUyou."
( 25 )
ACT II.
SCENE I.
A Room in the Palace-,
Enter Vortiger and Castiza.
Cast My lord, I am resolv'd ; tempt me no farther ;
Tis all to fruitless purpose.
Vort, Are you well ?
Cast, Never so perfect in the truth of health
As at this instant.
Vort, Then I doubt my own,
Or that I am not waking.
Cast, Would you were then I
You'd praise my resolution.
Vort, This is wondrous !
Are you not mine by contract ?
Cast, Tis most true, my lord.
And I am better bless'd in't than I look'd for,
In that I am confin'd in faith so strictly :
I'm bound, my lord, to marry none but you, — lo
You'll grant me that, — and you 111 never marry.
26 Mayor of Queenborough. [act n.
Vort, It draws me into violence and hazard :
I saw you kiss the king.
Cast I grant you so, sir ;
Where could I take my leave of the world better ?
I wrong'd not you in that ; you will acknowledge
A king is the best part oft.
Vort. O, my passion !
Cast I see you something yielding to infirmity, sir ;
I take my leave.
Vort Why, 'tis not possible !
Cast The fault is in your faith ; time I were gone
To give it better strengthening.
Vort, Hark you, lady 20
Cast Send your intent to the next monastery ;
There you shall find my answer ever after;
And so with my last duty to your lordship,
For whose prosperity I will pray as heartily
As for my own. [Exit
Vort How am I serv'd in this ?
I offer a vexation to the king ;
He sends it home into my blood with 'vantage.
I'll put off" time no longer : I have brought him
Into most men's neglects, calling his zeal
A deep pride hallow'd over, love of ease 30
More than devotion or the public benefit ;
Which catcheth many men's beliefs. I'm strong ^ too
In people's wishes ; their affections point at me.
I lose much time and glory ; that redeem'd,
1 Old ed. " I am stronger."
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 27
She that now flies returns with joy and wonder :
Greatness and woman's wish ne'er keep asunder* \ExiL
Dumb Show.
Enter two Villains ; to them Vortiger, who seems
to solicit them with gold, then swears them, and
% exit. Enter Constantius meditating; they
rudely strike down his book, and draw their
swords ; he kneels and spreads his arms ; they
kill him, and hurry off the body. Enter Vor-
tiger, Devonshire, and Stafford, in con-
ference ; to them the two Villains presenting the
head of Constantius ; Vortiger seems sorrow-
ful, and in rage stabs them both. Then the lords
crown Vortiger, and fetch in Castiza, who
comes unwillingly ; Vortiger hales her, and they
crown her: Aurelius and Uther, brothers of
Constantius, seeing him crowned, draw and
fly-
Enter Raynuli^h.
Ray, When nothing could prevail to tire
The good king's patience, they did hire
Two wicked rogues to take his life ;
In whom a while there fell a strife
Of pity and fury ; but the gold
Made pity faint, and fury bold.
Then to Vortiger they bring
The head of that religious king ;
28 Mayor of Queenborough. [act n.
Who feigning grief, to clear his guilt,
Makes the slaughterers' blood be spilt lo
Then crown they him, and force the maid,
That vow'd a virgin-life, to wed ;
Such a strength great power extends,
It conquers fathers, kindred, friends ;
And since fate's pleas'd to change her life.
She proves as holy in a wife.
More to tell, were to betray
What deeds in their own tongues must say :
Only this, the good king dead.
The brothers poor in safety fled. \Exit. 20
SCENE 11.
A Hall in the Palace,
Enter Vortiger crowned^ a Gentleman meeting him,
Gent My lord !
Vort. I fear thy news will fetch a curse, it comes
With such a violence.
Gent, The people are up
In arms against you.
Vort, O this dream of glory !
Sweet power, before I can have time to taste thee.
Must I for ever lose thee ? — What's the imposthume
That swells them now ?
Gent The murder of Constantius.
Vort Ulcers of realms ! they hated him alive,
Grew weary of the minute of his reign,
\
scKKK n.] Mayor of Queenborough. 29
Call'd him an evil of their own electing ; 10
And is their ignorant zeal so fiery now,
When all their thanks are cold ? the mutable hearts
That move in their false breasts ! — Provide me safety :
\N(nu within.
Hark ! I hear ruin threaten me with a voice
That imitates thunder.
Enter Second Gentleman.
Second Gent Where's the king?
Vort, Who takes him ?
Second Gent Send peace to all your royal thoughts,
my lord :
A fleet of valiant Saxons newly landed
Offer the truth of all their service to you.
Vort Saxons! my wishes: let them have free entrance,
And plenteous welcomes from all hearts that love us ; 20
\Exit Second Gentleman.
They never could come happier.
Re-enter Second Gentleman with Hengist, Horsus,
and Soldiers,
Heng. Health, power, and victory to Vortiger }
Vort, There can be no more pleasure to a king,
If all the languages earth spake were ransack'd.
Your names I know not ; but so much good fortune
And warranted worth lightens your fair aspects,
I cannot but in arms of love enfold you.
Heng, The mistress of our birth's hope, fruitful Ger-
many,
30 Mayor of Queenborough. [act iu
Calls me Hengistus, and this captain Horsus ;
A man low-built, but yet in deeds of arms 30
Flame is not swifter. We are all, my lord,
The sons of Fortune ; she has sent us forth
To thrive by the red sweat of our own merits ;
And since, after the rage of many a tempest,
Our fates have cast us upon Britain's bounds.
We offer you the first-fruits of our wounds.
Vort Which we shall dearly prize : the mean'st blood
spent
Shall at wealth's fountain make its own content
Heng, You double vigour in us then, my lord : 39
Pay is the soul of such as thrive by the sword. \Exeuni,
SCENE III.
Near the Palace.
Enter Vortiger and Gentlemen. Alarm and noise of
skirmishes within.
First Gent, My lord, these Saxons bring a fortune
with them
Stay[s] any Roman success.
Vort. On, speak, forwards !
I will not take one minute from thy tidings.
First Gent, The main supporters of this insurrection
They've taken prisoners, and the rest so tame[d].
They stoop to the least grace that flows from mercy.
Vort, Never came power guided by better stars
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborougk. 3 1
Than these men's fortitudes : yet they're misbelievers,
Which to my reason is wondrous.
Enter Hengist, Horsus, and Soldiers, with Prisoners.
You've given me such a first taste of your worth, 10
'Twill never from my love ; when life is gone,
The memory sure will follow, my soul still
Participating immortality with it.
But here's the misery of earth's limited glory.
There's not a way reveal'd to any honour
Above the fame ^ which your own merits give you.
Heng, Indeed, my lord, we hold, when all's summ'd
up
That can be made for worth to be express'd.
The fame that a man wins himself is best ;
That he may call his own. Honours put to him 20
Make him no more a man than his clothes do.
And are as soon ta'en off ; for in the warmth
The heat comes from the body, not the weeds :
So man's true fame must strike from his own deeds.
And since by this event which fortune speaks us.
This land appears the fair predestin'd soil
Ordain'd for our good hap, we crave, my lord,
A little earth to thrive on, what you please.
Where we'll but keep a nursery of good spirits
To fight for you and yours.
Vort. Sir, for our treasure, 3°
'Tis open to your merits, as our love ;
1 Olded. "same."
32 Mayor of Queenborough. [act n.
But for ye*re strangers in religion chiefly —
Which is the greatest alienation can be,
And breeds most factions in the bloods of men —
I must not yield to that
Enter Simon with a hide,
Heng. 'S precious, my lord,
I see a pattern ; be it but so little
As yon poor hide will compass.
Vort, How, the hide !
Heng, Rather than nothing, sir.
Vort, Since you're so reasonable,
Take so much in the best part of our kingdom.
Heng, We thank your grace.
[Exit VoRTiGER with Gentlemen.
Rivers from bubbling springs 40
Have rise at first, and great from abject things.
Stay yonder fellow : he came luckily.
And he shall fare well for't, whatever he be ;
We'll thank our fortune in rewarding him.
Hor, Stay, fellow !
Sim, How, fellow ? 'tis more than you know, whether
I be your fellow or no ; I am sure you see me not.
Heng, Come, what's the price of your hide ? 4^
Sim, O unreasonable villain ! he would buy the house
over a man's head. I'll be sure now to make my
bargain wisely ; they may buy me out of my skin else.
[Aside,'] — Whose hide would you buy, mine or the
beast's ? There is little difference in their complexions :
I think mine is the blacker of the two ; you shall see for
V
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 33
your love, and buy for your money. — A pestilence on
you all, how have you deceived me ! you buy an ox-hide I
you buy a calfs gather ! They are all hungry soldiers, and
I took them for honest shoemakers. [Aside,
Heng. Hold, fellow; prithee, hold;-^right a fool
worldling
That kicks at all good fortune ;— whose man art
thou? 60
Sim. I am a servant, yet a masterless man, sir.
Heng, Prithee, how can that be ?
Sm, Very nimbly, sir ; my master is dead, and now
I serve my mistress ; ergo, I am a masterless man : she
is now a widow, and I am the foreman of her tan-
pit
Heng, Hold you, and thsuijc your fortune, not your
wit. [Gives Aim money, 67
Sim, Faith, and I thank your bounty, and not your
wisdom ; you are not troubled with wit neither greatly, it
seems. Now, by this light, a nest of yellow-hammers !
What will become of me ? if I can keep all these without
hanging myself, I am happier than a hundred of my
neighbours. You shall have my skin into the bargain ;
then if I chance to die like a dog, the labour will be
saved of flaying me : I'll undertake, sir, you shall have
all the skins in pur parish at this price, men's and
women's.
Heng, Sirrah, give good ear to me : now take the
hide
And cut it all into the slenderest thongs
That can bear strength to hold. 80
VOL. II. c
cf
34 Mayor of Qtieenborough. [act n.
Sim. That were a jest, i'faith : spoil all the leather ?
sin and pity ! why, 'twould shoe half your army.
Heng, Do it, I bid you.
Sim, What, cut it all in thongs ? Hum, this is like the
vanity of your Roman gallants, that cannot wear good
suits, but they must have them cut and slashed in
giggets,^ that the very crimson taffaties sit blushing at
their follies. I would I might persuade you from this
humour of cutting ; ^ 'tis but a swaggering condition, and
nothing profitable: what if it were but well pinked?
'twould last longer for a summer suit 9^
Heng, What a cross lump of ignorance have I lighted
on !
I must be forc'd to beat my drift into him. — [Aside,
Look you, to make you wiser than your parents,
I have so much ground given me as this hide
Will compass, which, as it [now] is, is nothing.
Sim, Nothing, quotha?
Why, 'twill not keep a hog.
Heng, Now with the 'vantage
Cut into several pieces, 'twill stretch far.
And make a liberal circuit loo
Sim, A shame on your crafty hide ! is this your
cunning ? I have learnt more knavery now than ever I
shall claw off while I live. I'll go purchase land by
1 "Gigget" is a provincial term for a leg-of-mutton bone: see
Evans' Leicester Words in the English Dialect Society's publications
(i88i). Here " giggets " would seem to refer to the stripes or " panes "
in the hose.
2 " Cutter" was a cant term for a bully or sharper.
SCENE III.] Mayor of Qtceenborough. 35
cow-tails, and undo the parish ; three good bulls' pizzles
would set up a man for ever : this is like a pin a-day to
set up a haberdasher of small wares.
Heng, Thus men that mean to thrive, as we, must
learn
Set in a foot at first.
Sim, A foot do you call it ? The devil is in that foot
that takes up all this leather. iio
Heng, Despatch, and cut it carefully with all
The advantage, sirrah.
Sim, You could never have lighted upon such a fellow
to serve your turn, captain. I have such a trick of
stretching, too ! I learned it of a tanner's man that was
hanged last sessions at Maidstone : I'll warrant you, I'll
get you a mile and a half more than you're aware of.
Heng, Pray, serve me so as oft as you will, sir.
Sim, I am casting about for nine acres to make a
garden-plot out of one of the buttocks. 120
Heng, 'Twill be a good soil for nosegays.
Sim, 'Twill be a good soil for cabbages, to stuff out
the guts of your followers there.
Heng, Go, see it carefully perform'd :
\Exit Simon with Soldiers.
It is the first foundation of our fortunes
On Britain's earth, and ought to be embrac'd
With a respect near link'd to adoration.
Methinks it sounds to me a fair assurance
Of large honours and hopes ; does it not, captain ?
Hor, How many have begun with less at first, 130
That have had emperors from their bodies sprung,
36 Mayor of Queenhorough, [act h.
And left their carcasses as much in monument
As would erect a college !
Heng, There's the fruits
Of their religious show too ; to lie rotting
Under a million spent in gold and marble.
Hor, But where shall we make choice of our ground,
captain ?
Heng, About the fruitful flanks of uberous Kent,
A fat and olive soil ; there we came in,
O captain, he has given he knows not what !
Hor. Long may he give so ! 140
Heng, I tell thee, sirrah, he that begg'd a field
Of fourscore acres for a garden-plot,
'Twas pretty well ; but he came short of this.
Hor. Send over for more Saxons.
Heng, With all speed, captain.
Hor, Especially for Roxena.
Heng, Who, my daughter ?
Hor, That star of Germany, forget not her, sir :
She is a fair fortunate maid. —
Fair she is, and fortunate may she be ;
But in maid lost for ever. My desire
Has been the close confusion of that name. 150
A treasure 'tis, able to make more thieves
Than cabinets set open to entice ;
Which learn them theft that never knew the vice.
\^Aside.
Heng, Come, I'll despatch with speed.
Hor, Do, forget none.
Heng, Marry, pray help my memory.
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough, 3 7
Hot, Roxena, you remember ?
Heng, What more, dear sir ?
Hor, I see your memory's clear, sir,
\Shouis within,
Heng, Those shouts leap'd from our army.
Hor, They were too cheerful
To voice a bad event.
Enter a Gentleman.
Heng, Now, sir, your news ?
Gent, Roxena the fair
Heng, True, she shall be sent for.
Gent, She's here, sir.
Heng, What say'st ?
Gent, She's come, sir.
Hor, A new youth 160
Begins me o'er again. S^Aside,
Gent, FoUow'd you close, sir,
With such a zeal as daughter never equall'd ;
Expos'd herself to all the merciless dangers
Set in mankind or fortune ; not regarding
Aught but your sight.
Heng, Her love is infinite to me.
Hor, Most charitably censur'd ; 'tis her cunning,
The love of her own lust, which makes a woman
Gallop down hill as fearless as a drunkard.
There's no true loadstone in the world but that ;
It draws them through all storms by sea or shame : 170
Life's loss is thought too small to pay that game.
\Aside,
38 Mayor of Queenborough. [act h.
Gent What follows more of her will take you* strongly.
Heng, How !
Gent, Nay, 'tis worth your wonder.
Her heart, joy-ravished with your late success.
Being the early morning of your fortunes,
So prosperously new opening at her coming.
She takes a cup of gold, and, midst the army.
Teaching her knee a reverend cheerfulness,
Which well became her, drank a liberal health 180
To the king's joys and yours, the king in presence ;
Who with her sight, but her behaviour chiefly.
Or chief but one or both, I know not which, —
But he's so far 'bove my expression caught,
'Twere art enough for one man's time and portion
To speak him and miss nothing.
Heng. This is astonishing !
Hor, O, this ends bitter now ! our close-hid flame
Will break out of my heart ; I cannot keep it. \Aside.
Heng. Gave you attention, captain ? how now, man ?
Hor, A kind of grief 'bout ^ these times of the moon
still : 190
I feel a pain like a convulsion,
A cramp at heart ; I know not what name fits it.
Heng, Nor never seek one for it, let it go
Without a name ; would all griefs were serv'd so !
1 Olded. "you take." » Old ed. "about."
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 39
Flourish, Re-enter Vortiger, with Roxena and
Attendants.
Hor. A love-knot already ? arm in arm ! \Aside,
Vort, What's he
Lays claim to her ?
Heng, In right of father-hood
I challenge an obedient part.
Vort Take it,
And send [me] back the rest.
Heng. What means your grace ?
Vort, You'll keep no more than what belongs to you ?
Jietig, That's all, my lord ; it all belongs to me ; 200
I keep the husband's interest till he come :
Yet out of duty and respect to majesty,
I send her back your servant.
Vort, My mistress, sir, or nothing.
Heng, Come again ;
I never thought to hear so ill of thee.
Vort, How, sir, so ill ?
Heng, So beyond detestable.
To be an honest vassal is some calling,
Poor is the worst of that, shame comes not to't ;
But mistress, that['s] the only common bait
Fortune sets at all hours, catching whore with it, 210
And plucks them up by clusters. There's my sword, my
lord ; \Pffering his sword to Vortiger.
And if your strong desires aim at my blood,
Which runs too purely there, a nobler way
Quench it in mine.
40 Mayor of Queenborougk. [act n.
Vort. I ne'er took sword in vain :
Hengist, we here create thee earl of Kent.
Hor, O, that will do't ! [Aside, and falls,
Vort. What ails our friend ? look to him.
I^ox, O, 'tis his epilepsy ; I know it well :
I help'd him once in Germany ; comes it again ?
A virgin's right hand strok'd upon his heart
Gives him ease straight ; but it must be a pure virgin, 220
Or else it brings no comfort.
Vort. What a task
She puts upon herself, unurgfed purity !
The truth of this will bring love's rage into me.
I^ox, O, this would mad a woman I there's no proof
In love to indiscretion.
Hor, Pish ! this cures nOt.
Eox, Dost think I'll ever wrong thee ?
Hor, O, most feelingly !
But I'll prevent it now, and break thy neck
With thy own cunning. Thou hast undertaken
To give me help, to bring in royal credit
Thy crack'd virginity, but I'll spoil all : 230
I will not stand on purpose, though I could,
But fall still to disgrace thee.
jRox, What, you will not ?
Hor, I have no other way to help myself ;
For when thou'rt known to be a whore imposterous,
I shall be sure to keep thee.
Rox» O sir, shame me not !
You've had what is most precious ; try rty faith ;
Undo me not at first in chaste opinion.
SCENE III] Mayor of Queenborougk. 4 1
HoK All this art shall not make me feel my legs.
I^ox, I prithee, do not wilfully confound me.
Jlor. Well, I'm content for this time to recover, 240
To save thy credit, and bite in my pain ;
But if thou ever fail'st me, I will fall,
And thou shalt never get me up again. [Rises.
Rox. Agreed 'twixt you and I, sir. — See, my lord,
A poor maid's work ! the man may pass for health now
Among the clearest bloods, and those are nicest.
Vort, I've heard of women brought men on their
knees,
But few that e'er restored them. — How now, captain ?
Hor, My lord, methinks I could do things past man,
I'm so renew'd in vigour ; I long niost 250
For violent exercise to take me down :
My joy's so high in blood, I'm above frailty.
Vort My lord of Kent.
Heng, Your love's unworthy creature.
Vort See'st thou this fair chain? think upon the
means
To keep it link'd for ever.
Heng, O liiy lord,
'Tis many degrees sunder'd from my hope !
Besides, your grace has a young virtuous queen.
Vort I say, think on it
Hor. If this wind hold, I fall to my old disease.
\Aside,
Vort There's no fault in thee but to come so late ,-260
All else is excellent : I chide none but fate. [^Exeunt
{ 42 )
ACT III.
SCENE I.
A Room in the Palace,
Enter HoRSUS and Roxena.
Rox, I've no conceit now that you ever lov*d me,
But as lust led you for the time.
Hor, See, see !
Rox, Do you pine at my advancement, sir ?
Hor, O barrenness
Of understanding ! what a right love's this !
'Tis you that fall, I that am reprehended :
What height of honours, eminence of fortune.
Should ravish me from you ?
Rox, Who can tell that, sir ?
What's he can judge of a man's appetite
Before he sees him eat ?
Who knows the strength of any's constancy lo
That never yet was tempted ? We can call
Nothing our own, if they be deeds to come ;
They're only ours when they are pass'd and done.
How blest are you above your apprehension,
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 43
If your desire would lend you so much patience,
T' examine the adventurous condition
Of our affections, which are full of hazard,
And draw in the time's goodness to defend us !
First, this bold course of ours cannot last long.
Nor ever does in any without shame, 20
And that, you know, brings danger ; and the greater
My father is in blood, as he's well risen,
The greater will the storm of his rage be
'Gainst his blood's wronging : I have cast ^ for this.
Tis not advancement that I love alone ;
Tis love of shelter, to keep shame unknown.
Hor, O, were I sure of thee, as 'tis impossible
There to be ever sure where there's no hold,
Your pregnant hopes should not be long in rising !
Rox, By what assurance have you held me thus far, 3^
Which you found firm, despair you not in that.
Hor, True, that was good security for the time ;
But in a change of state, when you're advanc'd,
You women have a French toy in your pride.
You make your friend come crouching ; or perhaps,
To bow in th' hams the better, he is put
To compliment three hours with your chief woman.
Then perhaps not admitted ; no, nor ever.
That* s the more noble fashion. Forgetfulness
Is the most pleasing virtue they can have, 40
That do spring up from nothing ; for by the same
1 Planned.
44 Mayor of Queendorougk. [act m.
Forgetting all, they forget whence they came,
An excellent property of oblivion.
I^ox, I pity all the fortunes of poor women
In my own unhappiness. When we have given
All that we have to men, what's our requital ?
An ill-fac'd jealousy, that resembles much
The mistrustfulness of an insatiate ^thief,
That scarce believes he has all, though he has stripped
The true man ^ naked, and left nothing on him 5°
But the hard cord that binds him : so are we
First robb'd, and then left bound by jealousy.
Take reason's advice, and you'll find it impossible
For you to lose me in this king's advancement,
Who's an usurper here ; and as the kingdom,
So shall he have my love by usurpation ;
The right shall be in thee still. My ascension
To dignity is but to waft thee higher ;
And all usurpers have the falling-sickness.
They t:annot keep up long.
Hor, May credulous man 60
Put all his confidence in so weak a bottom,
And make a saving voyage ?
liox. Nay, as gainful
As ever man yet made.
Hor, Go, take thy fortunes.
Aspire with my consent,
So thy ambition will be sure to prosper;
1 i.e, honest man. Cf. Lovers Labour Losty iv. 3 : — '* A tru€ man or
a thief that gallops thus."
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough, 45
Speak the fair certainties of Britain's queen
Home to thy wishes.
Rox, Speak in hope I may,
But not in certainty.
Hor, I say in both :
Hope, and be sure I'll soon remove the let ^
That stands between thee and ^ glory.
Rox, Life of love ! 70
If lost virginity can win such a day,
I'll have no daughter but shall learn my way. \Exit
Hor, 'Twill be good work for him that first instructs
them:
May be some son[s] of mine, got by this woman too.
May match with their own sisters. Peace, 'tis he.
Enter Vortiger.
Invention, fail me not : 'tis a gallant credit
To marry one's whore bravely. \Aside,
Vort. Have I power
Of life and death, and cannot command ease
In my own blood ? After I was a king,
I thought I never should have felt pain more ; 80
That there had been a ceasing of all passions
And common stings, which subjects use to feel,
That were created with a patience fit
For all extremities. But such as we
Know not the way to suffer ; then to do it.
How most preposterous 'tis ! Tush, riddles, riddles !
} Obstacle. a Old ed. " and thy."
46 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
Ill break through custom. Why should not the mind,
The nobler part that's of us, be allow'd
Change of affections, as our bodies are
Change of food and raiment ? I'll have it so. 9o
All fashions appear strange at first production ;
But this would be well followed. — O, captain !
Hor, My lord, I grieve for you ; I scarce fetch breath,
But a sigh hangs at the end of it : but this
Is not the way, if you'd give way to counsel.
Vort, Set me right, then, or I shall heavily curse thee
For lifting up my understanding to me.
To show that I was wrong. Ignorance is safe ;
I then slept happily : if knowledge mend me not.
Thou hast committed a most cruel sin, xoo
To wake me into judgment, and then leave me.
Hot, I will not leave you, sir; that were rudely
done.
First, you've a flame too open and too violent,
Which, like blood-guiltiness in an offender.
Betrays him when nought else can. Out with't, sir ;
Or let some cunning coverture be made
Before your practice ^ enters : 'twill spoil all else.
Vort, Why, look you, sir ; I can be as calm as silence
All the while music plays. Strike on, sweet friend.
As mild and merry as the heart of innocence ; no
I prithee, take my temper. Has a virgin
A heat more modest ?
Hor, He does well to ask. me ;
1 Plot, scheme.
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 47
I could have told him once. [Asid^,] — Why, here's a
government !
There's not a sweeter amity in friendship
Than in this league 'twixt you and health.
Vart. Then since
Thou find'st me capable of happiness,
Instruct me with the practice.
JHor. What will you say, my lord,
If I ensnare her in an act ^ of lust ?
Forf.^ O, there were art to the life ! but 'tis impossible ;
I prithee, flatter me no further with it. 120
Fie ! so much sin as goes to make up that,
Will ne'er prevail with her. Why, I'll tell you, sir.
She's so sin-killing modest, that if only
To move the question were enough adultery
To cause a separation, there's no gallant
So brassy-impudent durst undertake
The words that shall belong to't
Ifar. Say you so, sir ?
There's nothing made in the world but has a way to't ;
Though some be harder than the rest to find.
Yet one there is, that's certain ; and I think 130
I've took the course to light on't.
Fort. O, I pray for't !
Ifor. I heard you lately say (from whence, my lord,
My practice receiv'd life first), that your queen
Still consecrates her time to contemplation.
Takes solitary walks.
1 Olded. "action."
3 In the old ed. this speech is given to Horsus.
48 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
Vort, Nay, late and early
Commands her weak guard from her, which are but
Women at strongest.
Hor, I like all this, my lord :
And now, sir, you shall know what net is us'd
In many places to catch modest women,
Such as will never yield by prayers or gifts. 140
Now there be some will catch up men as fast \
But those she-fowlers nothing concern U5 ;
Their birding is at windows ; ours abroad,
Where ring-doves should be caught, that's ciajrried wives,
Or chaste maids ; what the appetite has a mind to.
Vort, Make no pause then.
Hor, The honest gentlewoman,
When nothing will prevail — I pity her now —
Poor soul, she's entic'd forth by her own sex
To be betray'd to man ; who in some garden-house ^
Or remote walk, taking his lustful time, 150
Binds darkness on her eyelids, surprises her ;
And having a coach ready, turns her in.
Hurrying her where he list for the sin's safety.
Making a rape of honour without words ;
And at the low ebb of his lust, perhaps
Some three days after, sends her coach'd again
To the same place j and, which would make most
mad,
' ' ' ' I ■ 1 1 J J
1 i,e. summer-house. In the suburbs of London were many gardens
("either paled or walled round about very high, with their arbours and
bowers ") where wantons took their pleasure.
scKNE II.] Mayor of Queenborougk. 49
She's robb'd of all, yet knows not where she's robb'd,*
There's the dear precious mischief !
Vort, Is this practis'd ?
Hor. 1^00 much, my lord, to be so little known ; 160
A springe to catch a maidenhead after sunset,
Clip it, and send it home again to the city,
There 'twill ne'er be"perceiv*d.
Vort My raptures want expression ; I conceit ^
Enough to make me fortunate, and thee great.
Hor, I' praise it then, my lord. — I knew 'twould take.
[Aside,] [Exmnt
SCENE II.
Grounds near the Palace,
Enter Castiza with a booky and two Ladies.
Cast, Methinks you live strange lives j when I see it
not,
It grieves me less \ you know how to ease me then :
If you but knew howVell I loVd your absence.
You would bestow't upon me without asking.
First Lady, Faith, for my part, were it no more for
ceremony th^ for love, you should walk' long enough
without my attendance; and so think all my fellows,
though they say nothing. Books in women's hands are
as much against the hair,^ methinks, as to see men
wear stomachers, or night-rails.^ — She that has the green-
1 Conceive.
3 Equivalent to our modern expression " against the grain.*'
• Night-gowns.
VOL. II. D
50 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
sickness, and should follow her counsel, would die like
an ass, and go to the worms like a salad ; not I : so long as
such a creature as man is made, she is a fool that knows
not what he is good for. \Exeunt Ladies. 14
Cast, Though among life's elections, that of virgin
I did speak noblest of, yet it has pleas'd the king
To send me a contented blessedness
In that of marriage, which I ever doubted.
Enter Vortiger and Horsus disguised,
I see the king's affection was a true one ;
It lasts and holds out long, that's no mean virtue 20
In a commanding man \ though in great fear
At first I was enforc'd to venture on it
Vort, All's happy, clear, and safe.
Hor, The rest comes gently on.
Vort, Be sure you seize on her full sight at first.
For fear of my discovery.
Hor, Now, fortune, and I am sped.
\Seizes aruL blindfolds Castiza.
Cast, Treason 1 treason !
Hor, Sirrah, how stand you? prevent noise and
clamour.
Or death shall end thy service.
Vort, A sure cunning. \Aside. 30
Cast, O, rescue ! rescue !
Hor, Dead her voice ! away, make speed !
Cast, No help ? no succour ?
Hor, Louder yet, extend
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 5 1
Your voice to the last rack \ you shall have leave now,
You're far from any pity.
Cast What's my sin ?
Hor, Contempt of man ; and he's a noble creature,
And takes it in ill part to be despis'd.
Cast I never despis'd any.
Hor, No ? you hold us
Unworthy to be lov'd \ what call you that ?
Cast I have a lord disproves you.
Hor, Pish ! your lord ? 40
You're bound to love your lord, that's no thanks to you ;
You should love those you are not tied to love,
That's the right trial of a woman's charity.
Cast I know not what you are, nor what my fault is :
If it be life you seek, whate'er you be.
Use no immodest words, and take it from me ;
You kill me more in talking sinfully
Than acting cruelty : be so far pitiful,
To end me without words.
Hor, Long may you live !
'Tis the wish of a good subject : 'tis not life 50
That I thirst after ; loyalty forbid
I should commit such treason : you mistake me,
I've no such bloody thought ; only your love
Shall content me.
Cast What said you, sir ?
Hor, Thus plainly,
To strip my words as naked as my purpose,
I must and will enjoy thee. \She faints.'] — Gone
already ?
5 2 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
Look to her, bear Herup,« she. goes apace;
I feafd this still, and therefore came provided.
There's that will fetch life from a dying sparky
And make it spread a furnace ; she's well straight. 60
\Pours drops Jram atnaLintoQhsnzk^S'^ntoUtif:
Pish, let her go ; she stands/ upon my/ knowledge;
Or else she counterfeits; I know the virtue.
Cast Never did sorrows iir afflicted woman
Meet with such cruelties, such hard-ihearted' ways
Human invention never found before":
To call back life to: live; is butnll taken
By some departing soul^s] ; then to force minie back
To an eternal act of death in)lust,.
What is it but rmost cexecrable ?
HoK So, so :
But this is: from my business. Listto noe;: T>
Here you are now far/from all hope of friendship;
Save what you make in: rae; 'scape me you^canmyt,
Send your soul that assurance; that resolVdon;
You know not who I am, nor ever-^hall,
I need not fear ycMnithen ; but give consent.
Then with the faithfulness of a true friend*
I'll open myself to you^ fall your servant.
As I do now in hope, proud of submission,'
And seal the deed up with eternal secrecy;
Not death shall pluck't from me, much less- the 'king's
Authority or torture.
Vort, I admire him. \^Asidi^- ^i'
Cast, O sir ! whatever you* are, I teach my icnee
Thus to requite you, be content to take \Kneels,
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 53
Only my sight, as ransom for my honour,
And where you have but mock'd my eyes with darkness,
Pluck them quite out ; all outward lights of body
FU spare most willingly, but take not from me
That which must guide me to another world.
And leave me dark for ever j fast without
That cursed pleasure, which will make two souls 90
Endure a famine everlastingly.
Hor, This almost moves. \Aside,
VoH. By this light he'll be taken ! \Aside,
Hor. I'll wrestle down all pity. [Aside.'] — ^What 1 will
you consent ?
Cast, I'll never be so guilty.
Hor. Farewell words then !
You hear no more of me ; but thus I seize you.
Cast. O, if a power above be reverenc'd by thee,
I bind thee by that name, by manhood, nobleness,
And all the charms of honour !
[VoRTiGER snatches her up^ and carries her off.
Hor. Ah, ha ! here's one caught
For an example : never was poor lady
So mock'd into false terror ; with what anguish i<»
She lies with her own lord ! now she could curse
All into barrenness, and beguile herself by't.
Conceit's a powerful thing, and is indeed
Plac'd as a palate to taste grief or love.
And as that relishes, so we approve \
Hence comes it that our taste is so beguil'd.
Changing pure blood for some that's mix'd and soil'd.
\Exit.
5 4 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
SCENE III.
A Chamber in a Castle near Queenborough,
Enter Hengist.
Hen, A fair and fortunate constellation reign'd
When we set foot here ; for from his first gift
(Which to a king's unbounded eyes seem'd nothing),
The compass of a hide, I have erected
A strong and spacious castle, yet contain'd myself
Within my limits, without check or censure.
Thither, with all th' observance of a subject,
The liveliest witness of a grateful mind,
I purpose to invite him and his qiieen,
And feast them nobly.
Barber [speaking without\ We will enter, sir ; lo
*Tis a state business, of a twelve-month long,
The choosing of a mayor.
Hen, What noise is that ?
Tailor [without]. Sir, we must speak with the good
earl of Kent :
Though we were ne'er brought up to keep a door,
We are as honest, sir, as some that do.
Enter a Gentleman.
Hen, Now, sir, what's the occasion of their clamours ?
Gent, Please you, my lord, a company of townsmen
Are bent, 'gainst all denials and resistance,
To have speech with your lordship ; and that you
Must end a diflference, which none else can do. 20
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough, 55
Hen, Why then there's reason in their violence,
Which I ne'er looked for : first let in but one,
And as we relish him, the rest come on.
\Exit Gentleman.
'Tis no safe wisdom in a rising man
To slight off such as these ; nay, rather these
Are the foundations of a lofty work ;
We cannot build without them, and stand sure.
He that ascends first ^ to a mountain's top
Must begin at the foot.
Re-enter Gentleman.
Now, sir, who comes ?
Gent They cannot" yet agree, my lord, of that : 30
They say 'tis worse now than it was before.
For where the difference was but between two.
Upon this coming first they're all at odds.
One says, he shall lose his place in the church by't ;
Another will not do his wife that wrong ;
And by their good wills they would all come first
The strife continues in most heat, my lord.
Between a country barber and a tailor
Of the same town ; and which your lordship names,
*Tis yielded by consent that he shall enter. 40
Heng, Here's no ^ sweet coil ! I'm glad they are so
reasonable.
1 Old ed. " first ascends."
s " No" is frequently used in an ironical sense by the old dramatists
to denote a great deal of a thing.
56 Mayor of Queen^orougk. [act m.
Call in the barber [Exit Gentleman]; if the tale be
long,
He'll cut it short, I trust; that's all the hope.
Re-enter Gentleman wifh Barber.
Now, sir, are you the barber ?
Barb, O, most barbarous ! a corrector of enormities
in hair, my lord ; a promoter of upper lips, or what your
lordship, in the neatness of your discretion, shall think
fit to call me.
Heng, Very good, I see you have this without book ;
but what's your business ? 50
Barb, Your lordship comes to a very high point
indeed : the business, sir, lies abou.t the heac}.
Heng. Thatfs work for you.
Barb, No, my good lord, there is a corporation, a
body, a kind of body.
Heng. The barber is out at the body; let in tjie
tailor. [Exit Gentleman.
This 'tis to reach beyond your own profession ;
When you let go your head, you lose your memory :
You have no business with the body.
Barb, Yes, sir, I am a barber-chirurgeon ; I have had
something to do with it in my time, my lord ; and I was
never so out of the body as I have been of Jate : s^nd
me good luck, I'll marry some whore but I'll get in
again. 64
Re-enter Gentleman wiih Tailpr.
Heng, Now, sir, a good discovery come from you !
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 5 7
Tail I will rip up the linings to your lordship,
And show what stuff 'tis made of: for the bqdy
Or corporation —
Heng, There the barber left indeed.
Tail 'Tis piec'd up of two fashions. 70
Heng. A patch'd town the whilest
Tail. Nor can we go through stitch, my noble lord.
The choler is so great in the one party :
And as in linsey-woolsey wove .together.
One piece makes several suits, so, upright earl.
Our linsey-woolsey hearts make all this coil.
Heng. What's all this now ? Tm ne'er the wiser yjet —
Call in the rest
\Exit Gentleman, and fre-enter with Glover
and others.
Now, sirs,— what are ypu ?
Glov. Sir^reverence^ on your lordship, I am a glover.
Heng. What needs that then ? 8p
Giov. Sometimes I deal in dog's leather, sir;reyere^,cp
the while.
Heng. Well, to the purpose, '}f there be any tpwafr^s.?
Glav. I were an ass else, saving your lordship's pre-
sence.
We haye a body, but our town wants a hand,
A hand of justice, a worshipful master mayor.
Heng. This is well handled yet ; ^ ijaan pay take gome
hold on it.— Ypu want a mayor ?
Glov. Right, but there's two at fisty-cuffs about it ;
1 A corruption of *• save-revercDce,"
3 To hand. '
58 Mayor of Queenborough, [act m.
Sir, as I may say, at daggers drawing, — 9^
But that I cannot say, because they have none, —
And you being earl of Kent, our town does say,
Your lordship's voice shall part and end the fray.
Heng, This is strange work for nie. Well, sir, what
be they ?
Glov, The one is a tanner.
Heng. Fie, I shall be too partial,
I owe too much aflfection to that trade
To put it to my voice. What is his name ?
Glov. Simon.
Heng. How, Simon too ?
Glov, Nay, 'tis but Simon one, sir; the very same
Simon that sold your lordship a hide. 'o'
Heng. What sayest thou ?
Glov. That's all his glory, sir: he got his master's
widow by it presently, a rich tanner's wife : she has set
him up ; he was her foreman a long time in her other
husband's days.
Heng. Now let me perish in niy first aspiring,
If the pretty simplicity of his fortune
Do not most highly take me : 'tis a presage, methinks.
Of bright succeeding happiness to mine, no
When my fate's glow-worm casts forth such a shine. —
And what are those that do contend with him ?
Tail. Marry, my noble lord, a fustian-weaver.
Heng. How ! he offer to compare with Simon ? he a
fit match for him !
Barb. Hark, hark, my lord ! here they come both in
a pelting chafe from the town-house.
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 59
Enter Simon tf«// Oliver.
Sim, How, before me ? I scorn thee,
Thou wattle-fac'd sing'd pig.
Oliv. Pig ? I defy thee \
My uncle was a Jew, and scorn'd the motion.^ 120
Sim, I list not brook thy vaunts. Compare with me.
Thou spindle of concupiscence ? 'tis well known
Thy first wife was a flax-wench.
Oliv. But such a flax-wench
Would I might never want at my need,
Nor any friend of mine : my neighbours knew her.
Thy wife was but a hempen halter to her.
Sim, Use better words, 1*11 hang thee in my year
else,
Let who will choose thee afterwards.
Glov, Peace, for shame ;
Quench your great spirit : do not you see. his lordship ?
Heng, What, master Simonides ? *3o
Sim, Simonides ? what a fair name hath he made of
Simon I^ then he's an ass that calls me Simon again; I
am quite out of love with it.
1 '• Here S. P. an annotator in Dodsley's Old Plays^ wishes unneces-
sarily to read 'mention.* Middleton has the same expression else-
where ; and so in Beaumont and Fletcher's CupicCs Revenue, act iv.
'3 at. You had best
Gro peach ; do, peach !
2 Cit. Peach ? / scorn the motion, ' " — Dyce,
' Lucian in his Somniutn (14) has a story about a man named
Simon, who, from squalid poverty was suddenly advanced to opulence.
A quondam acquaintance, meeting him, addressed him Xai/>6 S) ^ifiup :
6o Mayor of Qtuenborough. [act m.
Heng, Give me thy hand; I love thy fortunes, and
like a man that .thrive^.
Sim, I took a widow, my Iprd, to be the best piece of
ground to thrive on ; and by my fait;h, ipy lord, there's a
young Simonides, like a green pnipn, pee^ping up akea^dy.
He^g, Thou -St a gopd li^cky h^nd.
Sim. I have ^mewhat, Bix. 240
JUsng, But why to me is thi^ election offered ?
The choosing of a mayor goes by most ypices.
Sim, True, sir, but mo^ of pujr townsmen are so hp^jrsie
with drinking, there's not a good ypice ampng the^ j^ll.
jffeng. Are you content to piU it to a^l thes.e tii(en ?
To whom I liberally resign my jinterest,
To prevent censures.
Sim. I speak first, my Jord.
Oliv. Though I speak last, xfiy lorcj, I ai?a not )least :
if they lyill c^t away a tp,wi>-bprn /C.hijd, they ^a^y ; i.t is
but dying some forty years befpre xpy jtime. 150
I/eng, I leave you to ypi^ir chpice a lyhile.
All Your good lordship.
[Exeunt Pjengi^t ijt^d Gentlemg.n.
Sim, Look you, neighbours, before you be too hasty.
Let Oliver the fustian-weaver stand as fair as I do, and
the devil do him good on't
Oiiy. I do, thoia ypstajt callymoQcher,^ I do ; 'tis well
whereupon the upstart, turning in anger to his retainers, said — Efirare
T(p rrtaxv TO&rffi fiij KOTourfUKpjfrvetP fiov T<f6»ofia' oi ybip Xifuap dXXd
XifuavlSffs dpofAd^ofioL Doubtless Middleton had this passage in his
mind.
1 "A term of reproach. It i« probably connected with micher." —
HalHwelU
scENsriii.] Mayor of Queendorough. 6 1
known to the parish I have been twice ale-cbnn^Y ; ^ thou
mushrooni, that shot'st up in a night; by lying with thy
mistress !
Sim, Faith,: thou art such a spiny baldrib, all the
mistresses in the town will never get thee up. i6i
Oliv, I scorti to rise by a= woman, as thou didst ^ my
wife shall rise by me.*
Giav. I pray leave y6ur communication ; • we can do'
nothing else.
Oliv. I' gave that barber a fustian-»suit, and twice
redeemed his cittern : ^ he may remember' me;
Shn,' I fear no fake measure but in that tailor; the
glover and the button- maker are both cock-siire;. that
collier's^le I like not ; now they^ consult, the matter is
in brewing : poor Gill, niy wife, lies longing for the n^ws ;
'twill mike her a- glad mother. i7*
Ail [excefit-Oh,] A Simon, a Simon !
Sim. Good people, I-thank you alt.
0/ip. Wretch that I am ! Tannex*, thou hast curried^
favour.
Sim4 I curty! I defy thy! fustian fume.
1 Ah officer appointed to det(66i adulteration in bread, beer and ale,
t6 desttdy false weigHtsttnd nkd^ni^, unwhole^otne provisions, &c.
' ^* A lute or cittern formerly used to be part of the furniture of a
barber's shop/ and, as Sir John Hawkins,' in his notes on Walton's
Complete Anglet; p. 236,' observes, answc^d' the' ehd of a newspaper,
the now bommon amusemebt of- waHing customers. In an old bobic oif
enigmas, to ever^ one of which the author has pretixed a wooden cut of
th(e Subject of the enigma, is a barber, and the cut represents a barber's
sbd'p, in which thei^ is oii6 person sitting in'a bhair under ^e baHier's ^
hands, while another, who is waiting for his turn, is playing on -the
lute ; and on the side of the shop hangs another instrument of the lute
or cittern land."— ^«t/.
62 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
Oliv, But I will prove a rebel all thy year,
And raise up the seven deadly sins against thee. \Exit, 179
Sim, The deadly sins will scorn to rise by thee, if they
have any breeding, as commonly they are well brought
up : 'tis not for every scab to be acquainted with them :
but leaving the scab, to you, good neighbours, now I
bend my speech. First, to say more than a man can say,
I hold it not fit to be spoken : but to say what a man
ought to say, there I leave you also. I must confess
your loves have chosen a weak and unlearned man ; that
I can neither write nor read, you all can witness; yet
not altogether so unlearned, but I can set my mark to a
bond, if I would be so simple ; an excellent token of
government Cheer you then, my hearts, you have done
you know not what : there's a full point ; there you must
all cough and hem. \Here they all cough and hem!\ Now
touching our common adversary the fustian-weaver, who
threatens he will raise the deadly sins among us, let them
come ; our town is big enough to hold them, we will not
so much disgrace it ; besides, you know a deadly sin will
lie in a narrow hole : but when they think themselves
safest, and the web of their iniquity best woven, with the
horse-strength of my justice I will break through the loom
of their concupiscence, and make the weaver go seek his
shuttle : here you may cough and hem again, if you'll do
me the favour. \They cough and hem againi\ Why, I
thank you all, and it shall not go unrewarded. Now for
the deadly sins, pride, sloth, envy, wrath ; as for covetous-
ness and gluttony, I'll tell you more when I come out of
my office ; I shall have time to try what they are ; I will
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough, 63
prove them soundly ; and if I find gluttony and covetous-
ness to be directly sins, I'll bury the one in the bottom
of a chest, and the other in the end of my garden. But,
sirs, for lechery, I'll tickle that home myself, I'll not leave
a whore in the town. 212
Barb, Some of your neighbours must seek their wives
in the country then.
Sim, Barber, be silent, I will cut thy comb else. To
conclude, I will learn the villany of all trades ; my own
I know already : if there be any knavery in the baker, I
will bolt it out; if in the brewer, I will taste him
throughly, and piss out his iniquity at his own suckhole :
in a word, I will knock down all enormities like a butcher,
and send the hide to my fellow-tanners. 221
AIL A Simonides, a true Simonides indeed !
Re-enter Hengist with Roxena.
Heng, How now ? how goes your choice ?
Tail This is he, my lord.
Sim, To prove I am the man, I am bold to take
The upper hand of your lordship : I'll not lose
An inch of my honour.
Heng, Hold, sirs : there's some few crowns
To mend your feast, because I like your choice.
Barb, Joy bless you, sir ! 230
We'll drink your health with trumpets.
Sim, I with sackbuts,^
That's the more solemn drinking for my state \
1 (x) Butts of sack ; (2) bass trumpets.
64 Mayor of Queenborough. [acthi.
Ko malt this year shall fume into my pate.
\Exeunt all bat Hengist and RoxtNA.^
Hengl Continue[s] still that favour in His love ?
Itox, Nay, with increase; my lord, the flam6 ^ows
greater ;
Though he has leam'd a better art of latfe
To set a screen before it.
Hmg, Speak lower.
\RdireV to a' seai arid readk: eicii Ro:kfcNA:
Entir Vortiger dnd HbRSt/S^.
• .. . . . •
Hor, Heard every word, my lord.
Vort. Plainly?
Jlor. Distinctly!
The course I took was dangerous, but not failing, 240
For I convey'd myself behind the hangings
Even just before his entrance.
Vort. Twas well vfentur'd.
Hor, I had such a woman'is 'first and secottd lon^itig
in nie
To hear 1 how shie would bear her mock'd abuse'
After she was returned to privacy,
I could have fasted out an ember-wefek^
And never thought of hunger, 16 have hearA her :
Then came your holy Lupus and (iermahuS—
Fort, Two holy confessors.
Hor, At whose first sight
1 Old ed. " Sxit cum suis,"
« Olded. "h«u:lier."
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 65
I could perceive her fall upon her breast, 250
And cruelly afflict herself with sorrow,
(I never heard a sigh till I heard hers);
Who, after her confession, pitying her.
Put her into a way of patience.
Which now she holds, to keep it hid from you :
There's all the pleasure that I took in*t now ;
When I heard that, my pains was well remember'd.
So, with applying comforts and relief.
They've brought it lower, to an easy grief;
But yet the taste is not quite gone.
Vort, Still fortune ^260
Sits bettering our inventions.
Hot. Here she comes.
Enter Castiza.
Cast Yonder's my lord ; O, I'll return again !
Methinks I should not dare to look on him.
[Aside, and exit.
Hot, She's gone again.
Vort. It works the kindlier, sir :
Go now and call her back. \Exit Horsus.] She winds
herself
Into the snare so prettily, 'tis a pleasure
To set toils for her.
Re-enter Castiza and Horsus.
Cast, He may read my shame
Now in my blush. {Aside,
VOL. II. E
66 Mayor of Queenborough. [act m.
Vort. Come, you're so link'd to holiness,
So taken with contemplative desires,
That the world has you, yet enjoys you not : 270
You have been weeping too.
Cast Not I, my lord.
Vort, Trust me, I fear you have : you're much to
blame
To yield so much to passion without cause.
Is not some time enough for meditation ?
Must it lay title to your health and beauty.
And draw them into time's consumption too ?
'Tis too exacting for a holy faculty. —
My lord of Kent ! — I prithee, wake him, captain ;
He reads himself asleep, sure.
Hor, My lord!
Vort Nay,
I'll take away your book, and bestow't here. 280
{Takes book from Hengist.
Heng, Your pardon, sir.
Vort [giving book to Castiza} Lady, you that delight in
virgins' stories.
And all chaste works, here's excellent reading for you :
Make of that book as made men do of favours,
Which they grow sick to part from. — And now, my lord,
You that have so conceitedly ^ gone beyond me.
And made so large use of a slender gift,
Which we ne'er minded,^ I commend your thrift ;
And that your building may to all ages
1 Ingeniously. > Intended.
y
scENB III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 67
Carry the stamp and impress of your wit, 290
It shall be call'd Thong-Castle. ^
Heng, How, my lord,
Thong-Castle ! there your grace quits me kindly.
Vort 'Tis fit art should be known]^by its right name ;
You that can spread my gift, Til spread your fame.
Het^, I thank your grace for that
Vort, And, lovfed lord.
So well do we accept your invitation,
With all speed we'll set forwards.
Heng, Your honour loves me. [Exeunt.
1 " See Lambarde's Perambulation of Kent. 1596, p. 195. Jeffery of
Monmouth's British History, B. 6. C. ii,"^^eed.
( 68 )
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
A Public Way near Hengist*s Castle,
Enter Simon and all his brethren^ a mace and sword before
hinty meetingYoKTiGERy Castiza, Hengist, Roxena,
HoRSUS, and two Ladies.
Sim, Lo,^ I, the Mayor of Queenborough by name,
With all my brethren, saving one that's lame,
Are come as fast as fiery mill-horse gallops
To greet thy grace, thy queen, and her fair trollops.
For reason of our coming do not look ;
It must be done, I find it i' the town-book ;
And yet not I myself, I cannot ^ read ;
I keep a clerk to do those jobs for need.
And now expect a rare conceit before Thong-Castle see
thee. —
Reach me the thing to give the king, the other too, I
prithee. — lo
1 "In Wit Restored, 1658 {Facetia, &c. vol. i. p. 268. ed. 1817), this
speech of Simon is printed, with a few very sHght variations, under the
title of A Prologue to the Mayor 0/ Quinborough." — Dyce.
3 Wit Restored gives the more spirited reading " scome to."
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 69
Now here they be, for queen and thee ; the gift all steel
and leather,
But the conceit of mickle weight, and here they come
together :
To show two loves must join in one, our town presents
by me
This gilded scabbard to the queen, this dagger unto thee.
\Offers the scabbard and dagger,
Vort, Forbear your tedious and ridiculous duties ;
I hate them, as I do the riots ^ of your
Inconstant rabble ; I have felt your fits :
Sheathe up your bounties with your iron wits.
\Exit with his train,
Sim, Look, sirs, is his back tum'd ?
All. It is, it is.
Sim, Then bless the good earl of Kent, say 1 1 20
I'll have this dagger tum'd into a pie,
And eaten up for anger, every bit on't :
And when this pie shall be cut up by some rare cunning
pie-man.
They shall full lamentably sing. Put up thy dagger,
Simon. [Exeunt,
1 Olded. "roots."
Jo Mayor of Queenborough. [act iv.
SCENE II.
A Hall in Hengist's Castle: a feast set out.
Enter Vortiger, Hengist, Horsus, Devonshire,
Stafford, Castiza, Roxena, two Ladies, Guards,
and Attendants.
Heng, A welcome, mighty lord, may appear costlier,
More full of toil and talk, show and conceit ;
But one more stor'd with thankful love and truth
I forbid all the sons of men to boast of.
Vort, Why, here's ^ a fabric that implies eternity ;
The building plain, but most substantial ;
Methinks it looks as if it mock'd all ruin.
Saving that master-piece of consummation,
The end of time, which must consume even ruin,
And eat that into cinders.
Heng. There's no brass lo
Would pass your praise, my lord ; 'twould last beyond it,
And shame our durablest metal.
Vort. Horsus.
Hor, My lord.
Vort, This is the time I've chosen; here's a full
meeting,
And here will I disgrace her.
Hor, 'Twill be sharp, my lord
Vort, O, 'twill be best
1 Old ed. •• there's.
n
SCENE II. ] Mayor of Queenborough. 7 1
Hor, Why, here's the earl her father.
Vort, Ay, and the lord her uncle ; that's the height
oft;
Invited both on purpose, to rise sick.
Full of shame's surfeit.
Hor, And that's shrewd, byrlady :
It ever sticks close to the ribs of honour.
Great men are never sound men after it ; 20
It leaves some ache or other in their names still,
Which their posterity feels at every weather.
Vort. Mark but the least presentment of occasion.
As these times yield enough, and then mark me.
Hor, My observance is all yours, you know't, my
lord. —
What careful ways some take to abuse themselves !
But as there be assurers of men's goods
'Gainst storms or pirates, which gives adventurers courage,
So such there must be to make up man's theft,
Or there would be no woman-venturer left.
See, now they find their seats ! what a false knot
Of amity he ties about her arm.
Which rage must part ! In marriage 'tis no wonder,
Knots knit with kisses oft are broke with thunder.
Music ? then I have done ; I always learn \Music.
To give my betters place.
\Aside^ while the rest seat themselves,
Vort Where's captain Horsus ?
Sit, sit ; well have a health anon to all
Good services.
Hor, They are poor in these days ;
«
7 2 Mayor of Qtieenborough. [act iv.
They'd rather have the cup^ than the health.
He hears me not, and most great men are deaf 40
On that side. \Aside,
Vort My lord of Kent, I thank you for this welcome;
It came unthought of, in the sweetest language
That ever my soul relish'd.
Heng, You are pleas'd, my lord,
To raise my happiness for slight deservings.
To show what power's in princes ; not in us
Aught worthy, 'tis in you that makes us thus.
I'm chiefly sad, my lord, your queen's not merry.
Vort, So honour bless me, he has found the way
To my grief strangely. Is there no delight 5°
Cast My lord, I wish not any, nor is't needful ;
I am as I was ever.
Vort, That's not so.
Cast, How ? O, my fears ! \Aside.
Vort, When she writ maid, my lord.
You knew her otherwise.
Devon, To speak but truth,
I never knew her a great friend to mirth.
Nor taken much with any one delight ;
Though there be many seemly and honourable
To give content to ladies without taxing.
Vort, My lord of Kent, this to thy full deserts,
Which intimates thy higher flow to honour. [Drinking,eo
Heng, Which, like a river, shall return in service
To the great master-fountain.
1 Collier's correction for "carp " of the old ed.
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 73
Vort Where's your lord ?
I miss'd him not till now, — Lady, and yours ?
No marvel then we were so out of the way
Of all pleasant discourse ; they are the keys
Of human music ; sure at their nativities
Great nature sign'd a general patent to them
To take up all the mirth in a whole kingdom.
What's their employment now ?
First Lady, May it please your grace.
We never are so far acquainted with them ; 70
Nothing we know but what they cannot keep \
That's even the fashion of them all, my lord.
Vort, It seems yeVe great thought in their constancies,
And they in yours, you dare so trust each other.
Second Lady, Hope well we do, my lord ; we've reason
for it,
Because they say brown men are honestest ;
But she's a fool will swear for any colour.
Vort, They would for yours.
SecorifLXady, Truth, 'tis a doubtful question.
And I'd be loath to put mine to't, my lord.
Vort, Faith, dare you swear for yourselves ? that's a
plain question. 80
Second Lady, My lord ?
Vort You cannot deny that with honour ;
And since 'tis urg'd, I'll put you to't in troth.
First Lady, May it please your grace —
Vort, 'Twould please me very well ;
And here's a book, mine never goes without one ;
[Taking book from Castiza.
74 Mayor of Queenborough. [act iv.
She's an example to you all for purity :
Come, swear (Fve sworn you shall) that you ne'er
knew
The will of any man besides your husband's.
Second Lady, I'll swear, my lord, as far as my remem-
brance —
Vort, How ! your remembrance ? that were strange.
First Lady, Your grace
Hearing our just excuse, will not say so. 9^
Vort, Well, what's your just excuse? you're ne'er
without some.
First Lady. I'm often taken with a sleep, my lord.
The loudest thunder cannot waken me,
Not if a cannon's burthen be discharg'd
Close by my ear ; the more may be my wrong ;
There can be no infirmity, my lord.
More excusable in any woman.
Second Lady. And I'm so troubled with the mother
too,
I've often call'd in help, I know not whom ;
Three at once have been too weak to keep me down.ioo
Vort, I perceive there's no fastening. [Aside,
— ^Well, fair one, then.
That ne'er deceives faith's anchor of her hold.
Come at all seasons ; here, be thou the star
To guide those erring women, show the way
Which I will make them follow. Why dost start,
Draw back, and look so pale ?
Cast, My lord!
Vort, Come hither ;
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 75
Nothing but take that oath ; thou'lt take a thousand ;
A thousand ! nay, a million, or as many
As there be angels registers of oaths.
Why, look thee, over-fearful chastity, **o
(That sinn'st in nothing but in too much niceness,)
I'll begin first and swear for thee myself:
I know thee a perfection so unstain'd.
So sure, so absolute, I will not pant on it.
But catch time greedily. By all those blessings
That blow truth into fruitfulness, and those curses
That with their barren breaths blast perjury.
Thou art as pure as sanctity's best shrine
From all man's mixture, save what's lawful, mine ! i »9
Cast O, heaven forgive him, he has forsworn himself !
\Aside.
Vort, Come, 'tis but going now my way.
Cast That's bad enough. \Aside,
Vort. I've clear'd all doubts, you see.
Cast Good my lord, spare me.
Vort, How ! it grows later than so. For modesty's
sake.
Make more speed this way.
Cast, Pardon me, my lord,
I cannot.
Vort, What?
Cast, I dare not.
Vort, Fail all confidence
In thy weak kind for ever !
Devon, Here's a storm
76 Mayor of Queenborough, [act iv.
Able to wake ^ all of our name inhumed,
And raise them from their sleeps of peace and fame,
To set the honours of their bloods right here, 130
Hundred years after : a perpetual motion
Has their true glory been from seed to seed,
And cannot be chok'd now with a poor grain
Of dust and earth. Her uncle and myself,
Wild 2 in this tempest, as e'er robb*d man's peace,
Will undertake, upon life's deprivation.
She shall accept this oath.
Vort You do but call me then
Into a world of more despair and horror ;
Yet since so wilfully you stand engag'd
In high scorn to be touch'd, with expedition 140
Perfect your undertakings with your fames ;
Or, by the issues of abus'd belief,
I'll take the forfeit of lives, lands, and honours,
And make one ruin serve our joys and yours.
Cast Why, here's a height of miseries never reach'd
yet!
I lose myself and others.
Devon, You may see
How much we lay in balance with your goodness.
And had we more, it went ; for we presume
You cannot be religious and so vile —
1 In the old ed. the line stands —
" Able to make all of our name inhumid,"
The emendation is Dyce's.
* The line is corrapt— Dyce suggests " In this wild tempest"
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queen borough. 7 7
Cast As to forswear myself — 'Tis truth, great sir, 150
The honour of your bed hath been abus'd.
Vort, O, beyond patience !
Cast, But give me hearing, sir :
'Twas far from my consent ; I was surprised
By villains, and so raught.^
Vort, Hear you that, sirs ?
O cunning texture to enclose adultery !
Mark but what subtle veil her sin puts on ;
Religion brings her to confession first,
Then steps in art to sanctify that lust —
'Tis likely you could be surpris'd !
Cast My lord !
Vort I'll hear no more. — Our guard ! seize on those
lords. 160
Devon, We cannot perish now too fast ; make speed
To swift destruction. He breathes most accurst
That lives so long to see his name die first. ■
[Exeunt Devonshire and Stafford, guarded,
Hor, Here's no ^ dear ' villany ! \Aside,
Heng. Let him entreat, sir,
That falls in saddest grief for this event,
Which ill begins the fortune of this building.
My lord ! [Takes Vortiger aside,
Rooc What if he should cause me to swear too,
captain ?
^ Snatched, carried aw^y.
' Ironical. See note 2, p. 55.
3 An epithet denoting excessive goodness or baseness.
78 Mayor of Queenborough. [act iv.
You know I am as far to seek in honesty
As the worst here can be ; I should be sham'd too. 170
Hor, Why, fool, they swear by that we worship not \
So you may swear your heart out, and ne'er hurt
yourself.
Rox, That was well thought on ; I'd quite lost myself
else.
Vort You shall prevail in noble suits, my lord,
But this does shame the speaker.
Hor, I'll step in now,
Though't shall be to no purpose. — Good my lord,
Think on your noble and most hopeful issue.
Lord Vortimer, the prince.
Vort, A bastard, sir !
I would his life were in my fury now !
Cast, That injury stirs my soul to speak the truth 180
Of his conception. — Here I take the book, my lord :
By all the glorifyd rewards of virtue
And prepar'd punishments for consents in sin,
A queen's hard sorrow ne*er supply'd a kingdom
With issue more legitimate than Vortimer.
Vort, This takes not out the stain of present shame ;
Continuance crowns desert : she ne'er can go
For perfect honest that's not always so. —
Beshrew thy heart for urging this excuse \
Thou'st justify'd her somewhat.
Hor, To small purpose. 190
Vort, Among so many women, not one here
Dare swear a simple chastity ! here's an age
To propagate virtue in ! Since I've begun,
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 79
I'll shame you altogether, and so leave you. —
My lord of Kent !
Hmg, Your highness ?
Vort, That's your daughter?
Heng, Yes, my good l6rd.
Vort Though I'm your guest to-day.
And should be less austere to you or yours,
In this case pardon me ; I may not spare her.
Heng, Then her own goodness friend her ! — she comes,
my lord.
Vort, The tender reputation of a maid 200
Makes your honour, or else nothing can :
The oath you take is not for truth to man.
But to your own white soul ; a mighty task :
What dare you do in this ?
Rox, My lord, as much
As chastity can put a woman to ;
I ask no favour. And t'approve the purity
Of what my habit and my time professeth.
As likewise to requite all cqurteous censure.
Here I take oath I am as free from man
As truth from falsehood, or sanctity from stain. 210
Vort, O thou treasure that ravishes the possessor !
I know not where to speed so well again ;
I'll keep thee while I have thee : here's a fountain
To spring forth princes and the seeds of kingdoms !
Away with that infection of black honour,
And those her leprous pledges ! —
Here will we store succession with true peace ;
8o Mayor of Queenborough. [act iv.
And of pure virgins grace the poor increase.
{Exeunt cUl hut HoRSUS.
Hon Ha, ha !
He*s well provided now : here struck my fortunes. 220
With what an impudent confidence she swore honest,
Having th' advantage of the oath ! precious whore !
Methinks I should not hear from fortune next
Under an earldom now : she cannot spend
A night so idly, but to make a lord
With ease, methinks, and play. The earl of Kent
Is calm and smooth, like a deep dangerous water \
He has some secret way ; I know his blood ;
The gravels not greedier, nor hell's lord more proud.
Something will hap ; for this astonishing choice 230
Strikes pale the kingdom, at which I rejoice. \Eodt,
Dumb Show.
Enter Lupus, Germanus, Devonshire, and
Stafford, leading Vortimer, and crown him :
VoRTiGER comes to them in pension ; they neglect
him. Enter Roxena in fury ^ expressing discon-
tent ; then they lead out Vortimer: Roxena
gives two Villains gold to murder him; they swear
performance^ and go with her: Vortiger offers
to run on his sword ; HoRSUS prevents him^ and
persuades him. The lords bring in Vortimer
dead: Vortiger mourns^ and submits to them :
they swear him^ and crown him. Then enters
Hengist with Saxons : Vortiger draws ^
4
SCENE III.] Mayor of Qtuenborough, 8 1
threatens expulsion^ and then sends a parley ;
which Hengist seems to grant by laying down
his weapons : so all depart severally.
Enter Raynulph.
Ray, Of Pagan blood a queen being chose,
Roxena hight,i the Britons rose
For Vortimer, and crown'd him king ;
But she soon poison'd that sweet spring.
Then unto rule they did restore
Vortiger; and him they swore
Against the Saxons : they (constrained)
Begg'd peace, treaty, and obtain'd.
And now in numbers equally
Upon the plain near Salisbury, lo
A peaceful meeting they decreen,
Like men of love, no weapon seen.
But Hengist, that ambitious lord,
Full of guile, corrupts his word,
As the sequel too well proves : —
On that your eyes ; on us your loves. \Exit,
SCENE III.
A Plain near Salisbury,
Enter Hengist with Saxons.
Heng, If we let slip this opportuneful hour,
Take leave of fortune, certainty, or thought
1 Called.
VOL. II. F
/
82 Mayor of Queenborough. [activ.
Of ever fixing : we are loose at root,
And the least storm may rend us from the bosom
Of this land's hopes for ever. But, dear Saxons,
Fasten we now, and our unshaken firmness
Will endure after-ages.
First Sax, We are resolv'd, my lord.
Hmg, Observe you not how Vortiger the king,
Base in submission, threaten'd our expulsion,
His arm held up against us ? Is't not time lo
To make our best prevention ? What should check me ?
He has perfected that great work in our daughter.
And made her queen : she can ascend no higher.
Therefore be quick ; despatch. Here, every man
Receive into the service of his vengeance
An instrument of steel, which will unseen
[pisiribuiing daggers.
Lurk, like a snake under the innocent shade
Of a spread summer-leaf : there, fly you on.
Take heart, the commons love us ; those remov'd
That are the nerves, our greatness stands improved. 20
First Sax, Give us the word, my lord, and we are
perfect.
ffeng. That's true ; the word, — I lose myself — Nemp
your sexes : ^
It shall be that.
1 " ' Tbe appointment being agreed to on both sides, Hengist, with
a new design of villany in his head, ordered his soldiers to carry, every
one of them, a long dagger under their garments ; and while the con-
ference should be held with the Britons, who would have no suspicion
of them, he would give them this word of command, Nemet oure Saxas;
at which moment they were all to be ready to seize boldly every one his
scBNK III.] Mayor of Queenborough. 83
First Sax, Enough, sir : then we strike.
Jleng, But the king's mine : take heed you touch him
not
Inrsi Sax, We shall not be at leisure ; never fear it ;
We shall have work enough of our own, my lord.
Heng. Calm looks, but stormy souls possess you all !
Enter Vortiger and British Lords.
Vort, We see you keep your words in all points firm.
Jleng, No longer may we boast of so much breath
As goes to a word's making, than of care 30
In the preserving of it when 'tis made.
Vort, You're in a virtuous way, my lord of Kent :
And since both sides are met, like sons of peace,
All other arms laid by in signs of favour,
If our conditions be embrac'd —
Heng, They are.
Vort, We'll use no other but these only here.
Heng, Nemp your sexes,
British Lords, Treason ! treason !
\The Saxons stab the British Lords.
Heng, Follow it to the heart, my trusty Saxons !
It is your liberty, your wealth, and honour. — 40
Soft, you are mine, my lord. \Seizing Vortiger.
next man, and with his drawn dagger stab him. Accordingly, at the
time and place appointed, they all met, and began to treat of peace ;
and when a fit opportunity for executing his villany served, Hengist cried
out, Nemet oure Saxas; and the same instant seized Vortegim, and held
him by his cloak.' Jeffrey of Monmouth's British History, translated by
Aaron Thompson, 1718, 8vo, p. 194.*' — Reed, ''Nemp your sexes^ i.e.
NymdB eouer seaxes=take your daggers, or short swords." — Dyce,
84 Mayor of Queenborough. [act iv.
Vort, Take me not basely, when all sense and
strength
Lies bound up in amazement at this treachery.
What devil hath breath'd this everlasting part
Of falsehood into thee?
Heng, Let it suffice
I have you, and will hold you prisoner.
As fast as death holds your best props in silence.
We know the hard conditions of our peace,
Slavery or diminution ; which we hate
With a joint loathing. May all perish thus, 50
That seek to subjugate or lessen us !
Vort, O, the strange nooks of guile or subtilty,
When man so cunningly lies hid from man !
Who could expect such treason from thy breast
Such thunder from thy voice ? Or tak'st thou pride
To imitate the fair uncertainty
Of a bright day, that teems a sudden storm.
When the world least expects one ? but of all,
I'll ne*er trust fair sky in a man again :
There's the deceitful weather. Will you heap 60
More guilt upon you by detaining me,
Like a cup taken after a sore surfeit,
Even in contempt of health and heaven together ?
What seek you ?
Heng. Ransom for your liberty,
As I shall like of, or you ne'er obtain it.
Vort, Here's a most headlong dangerous ambition !
Sow you the seeds of your aspiring hopes
In blood and treason, and must I pay for them ?
f
SCENE III.] Mayor of Queenborougk, 85
Heng, Have not I raised you to this height of pride ?
A work of my own merit, since you enforce it 70
Vort, There's even the general thanks of all aspirers :
When they have all a kingdom can impart,
They write above it still their own desert
Heng, I've writ mine true, my lord.
Vort, That's all their sayings.
Have not I rais'd thy daughter to a queen ?
Heng, You have the harmony of your pleasure for it ; '
You crown your own desires ; what's that to me ?
Vort. And what will crown yours, sir ?
Heng, Faith, things of reason :
I demand Kent
Vori, Why, you've the earldom of it.
Hmg, The kingdom oft, I mean, without control, 80
In full possession.
Vort This is strange in you.
Heng. It seems you're not acquainted with my blood,
To call this strange.
Vort, Never was king of Kent,
But who was general king.
Heng, I'll be the first then :
Everything has beginning.
Vort, No less title ?
Heng, Not if you hope for liberty, my lord.
So dear a happiness would not be wrong'd
With slighting.
Vort. Very well : take it; I resign it.
Heng. Why, I thank your grace.
Vort. Is your great thirst yet satisfied ?
86 Mayor of Queenborougk, [act iv.
Heng, Faith, my lord, 90
There's yet behind a pair of teeming sisters,
Norfolk and Suffolk, and IVe done with you.
Vort, YouVe got a dangerous thirst of late, my lord,
Howe'er you came by't.
Heng, It behoves me then.
For my blood's health, to seek all means to quench it.
Vort, Them too ?
Heng, There will nothing be abated, I assure you.
Vort, You have me at advantage : he whom fate
Does captivate, must yield to all. Take them.
Heng, And you your liberty and peace, my lord, 100
With our best love and wishes. — Here's an hour
Begins us, Saxons, in wealth, fame, and power.
\Exit with Saxons.
Vort, Are these the noblest fruits and fair*st requitals
From works of our own raising?
Methinks,^ the murder of Constantius
Speaks to me in the voice oft, and the wrongs
Of our late queen, slipt both into one organ.
Enter Horsus.
Ambition, hell, my own undoing lust,
And all the brood of plagues, conspire against me :
I have not a friend left me.
1 " Shakespeare seems to have imitated this in the Tempest ^ iii. 3 : —
' Oh, it is monstrous I monstrous !
Methought, the billows spoke, and told me of it ;
The winds did sing it to me ; and the thunder.
That deep and dreadful organ-pipe, pronounc'd
The name of Prosper.' " — Reed,
SCENE III.] Mayor of Qtteenborougk. 87
Hor, My lord, he dies 1 10
That says it, but yourself, )vere't that thief-king,
That has so boldly stoln his honours from you ;
A treason that wrings tears from honest manhood.
Vort So rich am I now in thy love and pity,
I feel no loss at all : but we must part.
My queen and I to Cambria.
Hot. My lord, and I not nam'd,
That have vow'd lasting service to my life's
Extremest minute !
Vort Is my sick fate blest with so pure a friend ? 120
Hor, My lord, no space of earth, nor breadth of sea,
Shall divide me from you.
Vort. O faithful treasure 1
All my lost happiness is made up in thee. \Exit,
Hor. I'll follow you through the world, to cuckold
you;
That's my way now. Every one has his toy
While he lives here : some men delight in building,^
A trick of Babel, which will ne'er be left ;
Some in consuming what was rais'd with toiling ;
Hengist in getting honour, I in spoiling. \Exit.
1 Cf. Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy ^ Part I. Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subs.
13 : — " Some men are consumed by mad phantastical buildings, by mak-
ing galleries, cloisters, terraces, walks, orchards, gardens, pools, rillets,
bowers, and such like places of pleasure ; inuHUs domos, Xenophon
calls them, which howsoever they be delightsome things in themselves
and acceptable to all beholders, an ornament and befitting some great
men ; yet unprofitable to others, and the sole overthrow of their estates. "
( 88 )
ACT V.
SCENE I.
A Room in Simon's House,
JS nter Siuoif, Glover, Felt-maker, and other of his
brethren^ Aminadab, and Servants,
Sim, Is not that rebel Oliver, that traitor to my year,
*prehended yet ?
Amin, Not yet, so please your worship.
Sim, Not yet, sayest thou ? how durst thou say, not
yet, and see me present ? thou malapert, thou art good
for nothing but to write and read 1 Is his loom seized
upon?
Amin, Yes, if it like your worship, and sixteen yards
of fustian. '
Sim. Good : let a yard be saved to mend me between
the legs, the rest cut in pieces and given to the poor.
'Tis heretic fustian, and should be burnt indeed ; but
being worn threadbare, the shame will be as great : how
think you, neighbours ? 14
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborougk. 89
Glov. Greater, methinks, the longer it is wore ;
Where ^ being once burnt, it can be burnt no more.
Sim, True, wise and most senseless. — How now,
sirrah ?
Enter a Footman.
Whafs he approaching here in dusty pumps ?
Amin, A footman, sir, to the great king of Kent.
Sim, The king of Kent ? shake him by the hand for
me. 20
Thou*rt welcome, footman : lo, my deputy shakes thee !
Come when my year is out, I'll do't myself.
If 'twere a dog that came from the king of Kent,
I keep those officers would shake him, I trow.
And what's the news with thee, thou well-stew'd footman ?
Foot, The king, my master —
Sim, Ha!
Foot, With a few Saxons,
Intends this night to make merry with you.
Sim, Merry with me ? I should be sorrow else, fellow,
And take it in ill part ; so tell Kent's king.
Why was I chosen, but that great men should make 30
Merry with me ? there is a jest indeed !
Tell him I look'd for't ; and me much he wrongs,
If he forget Sim that cut out his thongs.
Foot, I'll run with your worship's answer.
Sim, Do, I prithee. \Exit Footman.
That fellow will be roasted against supper ;
He*s half enough already ; his brows baste him.
1 Whereas.
90 Mayor of Queenborough. [act t.
The king of Kent ! the king of Kirsendom ^
Shall not be better welcome ;
For you must imagine now, neighbours, this is
The time when Kent stands out of ^ Kirsendom, 40
For he that's king here now was never kirsen'd.'
This for your more instruction I thought fit,
That when you're dead you may teach your children
wit —
Clerk !
Amin, At your worship's elbow.
Sim, I must turn
You from the hall to the kitchen to-night
Give order that twelve pigs be roasted yellow,
Nine geese, and some three larks for piddling ^ meat.
And twenty woodcocks : I'll bid all my neighbours.
Give charge the mutton come in all blood-raw,
That's infidel's meat ; the king of Kent's a Pagan, 50
And must be served so. And let those officers
That seldom or never go to church bring it in,
'Twill be the better taken. Run, run.
[^Exit Aminadab.
Come you hither now.
Take all my cushions down and thwack them soundly.
After my feast of millers ; for their buttocks
^ A corruption of Christendom,
> An allusion to the proverb " In Kent and Christendom."
' A corruption of •' christened.**
^ Meat to trifle with. A " piddler '* was the name for one who ate
squeamishly or with Httle appetite. Pope has a curious couplet : —
'* Content.on little I cam piddle here
On brocoli and mutton round the year."
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 9 :
Have left a peck of flour in them : beat them carefully
Over a bolting-hutch,^ there will be enough
For a pan-pudding, as your dame will handle it.
Then put fresh water into both the bough pots, 60
And burn a little juniper 2 in the hall-chimney :
\Exeunt Servants.
Like a beast as I was, I pissed out the fire last night,
and never dreamt of the king's coming.
Re-enter Aminadab.
How now, returned so quickly ?
Amin, Please your worship, here are a certain com-
pany of players —
Sim, Ha, players !
Amin, Country comedians, interluders, sir, desire
your worship's favour and leave to enact in the town-
hall. 70
Sim, In the town-hall ? 'tis ten to one I never grant
them that Call them before my worship. \Exit,
Aminadab.] — If my house will not serve their turn, I
would fain see the proudest he lend them a bam.
Re-enter Aminadab with Players.^
Now, sir, are you coihedians ?
Second Play, We are, sir ; comedians, tragedians,
tragi-comedians, comi-tragedians, pastorists, humourists,
1 The wooden trough into which meal is sifted.
' Juniper-wood was burnt to sweeten rooms.
3 It appears presently that these " Players " had " taken the name of
country comedians, to abuse simple people."
9 2 Mayor of Queefi borough. [act v.
clownists, satirists : we have them, sir, from the hug to
the smile, from the smile to the laugh, from the laugh to
the handkerchief. 80
Sim. You're very strong in the wrists, methinks.
And must all these good parts be cast away upon
pedlars and maltmen, ha ?
First Flay, For want of better company, if it please
your worship.
Sim. What think you of me, my masters ? Hum ;
have you audacity enough to play before so high a
person as myself? Will not my countenance daunt
you ? for if you play before me, I shall often look on
you; I give you that warning before hand. Take it
not ill, my masters, I shall laugh at you, and truly when
I am least offended with you : it is my humour ; but be
not you abashed. 93
First Play, Sir, we have play'd before a lord ere now,
Though we be country actors.
Sim, A lord ? ha, ha !
Thou'lt find it a harder thing to please a mayor.
Second Play, We have a play wherein we use a horse.
Sim. Fellows, you use no horse-play in my house ;
My rooms are rubb'd : keep it for hackney-men.
First Play. We'll not offer it to your worship. 100
Sim, Give me a play without a beast, I charge you.
Second Play. That's hard; without a cuckold or a
drunkard ?
Sim. O, those beasts are often the best men in a
parish, and must not be kept out. But which is your
merriest play ? that I would hearken after.
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 93
Second Play. Your worship shall hear their names, and
take your choice.
Sim, And that's plain dealing. Come, begin, sir.
Second Play. The Whirligig, The Whibble, The Car-
widgeon. 1 1 o
Sim, Hey-day I what names are these ?
Second Play. New names of late. The Wildgoose
Chase,^
Sim, I understand thee now.
Second Play, Gull upon GulL
Sim, Why this is somewhat yet.
First Play. Woodcock of our side.^
Sim. Get thee further oflf then.
Second Play, The Cheater and the Clown,
Sim, Is that come up again ? 120
That was a play when I was 'prentice first.
Second Play, Ay, but the Cheater has learn'd more
tricks of late,
And gulls the Clown with new additions.
Sim, Then is your Clown a coxcomb ; which is he ?
First Play, This is our Clown, sir.
Sim, Fie, fie, your company must fall upon him and
beat him : he's too fair, i'faith, to make the people laugh.
First Play, Not as he may be drest, sir.
Sim. Faith, dress him how you will, I'll give him that
1 It is hardly likely that this is an allusion to Fletcher's comedy.
a "Taylor, the water-poet, in the preface to Sir Gregory Nonsense,
mentions a book so called ; but perhaps he merely invented the title —
This expression was proverbial, and frequently occurs in our early
writers : woodcock was a cant term for a simpleton.*' — Dyce.
94 Mayor of Queenborougk, [act v.
gift, he will never look half scurvily enough. O, the
clowns ^ that I have seen in my time ! The very peep-
ing out of one of them would have made a young heir
laugh, though his father lay a-dying ; a man undone in
law the day before (the saddest case that can be) might
for his twopence * have burst himself with laughing, and
ended all his miseries. Here was a merry world, my
masters ! 137
Some talk of things of state, of puling stuff;
There's nothing in a play to ^ a clown, if he
Have the grace to hit on't ; that* s the thing indeed :
The king shows well, but he sets off the king.
But not the king of Kent, I mean not so ;
The king is one, I mean, I do not know.
Second Pldy, Your worship speaks with safety, like a
rich man ;
And for your finding fault, our hopes are greater,
Neither with him the Clown, nor me the Cheater.
Sim, Away, then ; shift, Clown, to thy motley crupper.
\Exeunt Players.
We'll see them first, the king shall after supper.
^ " Nash tells us that, ' amon^t other cholericke wise Justices he
was one that, hauing a play presented before him and his Township, by
Tarlton and the rest of his fellows, her Maiesties seruants, as they were
new entring into their first merrim^t (as they call it), the people began
exceedingly to laugh, when Tarlton first peept out his head.' — Pierce
Pennilesse^ sig. D, 2, ed. 1595. And in the Praeludium to GofTs Care-
less Shepherdes, 1656, Thrift says —
' I never saw Rheade peeping through the Curtain,
But ravishing joy enter'd into my heart. *~p. 5." — Dyce,
* Old ed. " 2d," which Dodsley absurdly printed " second.**
' In comparison with.
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 95
Giav. I commend your worship's wisdom in that,
master mayor. 150
Sim, Nay, 'tis a point of justice, if it be well
examined, not to offer the king worse than I'll see
myself For a play may be dangerous : I have known
a great man poisoned in a play — '
Ghv. What, have you, master mayor ?
Sim, But to what purpose many times, I know not
Felt Methinks they should [not] destroy one an-
other so.
Sim, O, no, no I he that's poisoned is always made
privy to it; that's one good order they have among
them. — {A shout within,'] What joyful throat is that?
Aminadab, what is the meaning of this cry ? 162
Amin, The rebel is taken.
Sim, Oliver the puritan ?
Amin, Oliver, puritan, and fustian-weaver altogether.
Sim, Fates, I thank you for this victorious day !
Bonfires of pease-straw bum, let the bells ring !
Glov, There's two in mending, and you know they
cannot.
Sim, 'Las, the tenor's broken ! ring out the treble !
Enter Oliver, brought in by Officers.
I'm over-clo/d with joy. — Welcome, thou rebel ! 170
Oliv, I scorn thy welcome, I.
Sim, Art thou yet so stout ?
Wilt thou not stoop for grace ? then get thee out.
Oliv, I was not bom to stoop but to my loom ;
That seiz'd upon, my stooping days are done.
In plain terms, if thou hast anything to say to me, send
96 Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
me away quickly, this is no biding-place ; I understand
there are players in thy house; despatch me, I charge
thee, in the name of all the brethren.
Sim, Nay, now, proud rebel, I will make thee stay ;
And, to thy greater torment, see a play. i8o
Oliv, O devil ! I conjure thee by Amsterdam ! ^
Sim. Our word is past ;
Justice may wink a while, but see at last.
\Trumpet sounds^ to announce the commencement of
the play.
The play begins. Hold, stop him, stop him 1
Oliv, O that profane trumpet ! O, O 1
Sim, Set him down there, I charge you, officers.
Oliv, I'll hide my ears and stop ^ my eyes.
Sim, Down with his golls,* I charge you.
Oliv, O tyranny, tyranny ! revenge it, tribulation !
For rebels there are many deaths ; but sure the only way
To execute a puritan, is seeing of a play. 191
O, I shall swound ! *
Sim. Which if thou dost, to spite thee,
A player's boy shall bring thee aqua-vitae.
Enter First Player as First Cheater.
Oliv. O, I'll not swound at all for't, though I die.
1 Amsterdam was the city of refuge for fanatics, who found employ-
ment there as button-makers and weavers.
2 Concerning the practice of sounding a trumpet before the commence-
ment of a play, see Collier's Hist, of Engl. Dram. Lit, voL iii p. 251,
2nd ed.
' So the old ed. Dyce reads " I'll stop my ears and hide my eyes,"—
but the absurdity was doubtless intentional.
^ A cant term for hands^ o Swoon.
SCENE 1.] Mayor of Queenborough. 97
Sim. Peace, here's a rascal 1 list and edify.
First Play, I say still his an ass that cannot live by his
wits.
Sim. What a bold rascal's this ! he calls us all asses
at first dash : sure none of us live by our wits, unless it
be Oliver the puritan.
Oliv. I scorn as much to live by my wits as the proudest
of you all. loi
Sim. Why then you're an ass for company; so hold
your prating.
Enter Second Player as Second Cheater.
First ^ Play. Fellow in arms^ welcome! the news^ the
news?
Sim. Fellow in arms, quoth he? He may well call
him fellow in arms ; I am sure the/re both out at the
elbows.
Second Play. Be lively, my heart, be lively ; the booty is
at hand. His but a fool of a yeomaris eldest son ; he's
balanced on both sides, bully ; ^ his going to buy household-
stuff with one pocket, and to pay rent with the other, "i
First Play. And if this be his last day, my chuck, he shall
forfeit his lease, quoth the one pocket, and eat his meat in
wooden platters, quoth the other.
Sim. Faith, then he's not so wise as he ought to be,
to let such tatterdemallions get the upper hand of him.
First Play. He comes.
1 Olded "2." « Comrade.
VOL. II. G
98 Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
Enter Third Player as Clown.
Second Play. Ay, but smally to our comfort, with both his
hands in his pockets. How is it possible to pick a lock, when
the key is on the inside of the door ? 120
Sim. O neighbours, here's the part now that carries
away the play ! if the clown miscarry, farewell my hopes
for ever ; the play's spoiled.
Third Play. They say there is a foolish kind of thing called
a cheater abroad, that will gull any yeomatis son of his purse,
and laugh in his face like an Irishman. I would fain meet
with some of these creatures : I am in as good state to be
gulled now as ever I was in my life, for I have two purses
at this time about me, and I would fain be acquainted with
that rascal that would take one of them now, 130
, Sim. Faith, thou mayest be acquainted with two or
three, that will do their good wills, I warrant thee.
First Play. That wa^s too plain, too easy, Tm afraid.
Second Play. Come, sir, your most familiar cheats take
best.
They show like natural things and least suspected.
Give me a round shilling quickly.
First Play, It will fetch but one of his hands neither, if it
take.
Second Play. Thou art too covetous: lefs have one out
first, prithee; theris time enough to fetch out tK other after.
Thou liest. His lawful current money. \They draw. 141
First Play, I say His copper in some countries.
Third Play. Here is a fray towards; but I will hold my
hands, let who will part them.
Second Play. Copper 1 I defy thee^ and now I shall disprove
SCENE I.] Mayor of Qtieenborough. 99
thee. Look you, her^s an honest yeomatCs son of the country,
a man of judgment —
Third Play, Pray you be covered, sir; I have eggs in my
cap, and cannot put it off.
Second Play, Will you be tried by him ?
First Play, I am content, sir, 150
Sim. They look rather as if they would be tried next
sessions.
First Play, Pray give your judgment of this piece of coin,
sir.
Third Play, Nay, if it be coin you strive about, let me see
it J I love money.
First Play, Look on it well, sir, [They pick his pocket.
Second Play, Let him do his worst, sir.
Third Play, You^d both need wear cut ^ clothes, youWe so
choleric.
Second Play, Nay, rub it, and spare not, sir.
Third Play, Now by this silver, gentlemen, it is good
money ; would I had a hundred of them / 161
Second Play, We hope well, sir. — 7%* other pocket, and
we are made men. \Exeunt First and Second Players.
Sim. O neighbours, I begin to be sick of this fool, to
see him thus cozened ! I would make his case my own.
Third Play. Still would I m^et with these things called
cheaters.
Sim, A whoreson coxcomb ; they have met with thee.
I can no longer endure him with patience.
^ A pun is intended. ' ' Cut-work *' was the name for " open work in
linen, stamped or cut by hand" {Nares) ; and "cutter'' was a cant
name for swaggerer.
I oo Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
Third Play, O my rent ! my whole year's rent ! 170
Sim. A murrain on you ! This makes us landlords
stay so long for our money.
Third Play, The cheaters have been here,
Sim, A scurvy hobby-horse, that could not leave his
money with me, having such a charge about him ! A
pox on thee for an ass ! thou play a clown ! I will commit
thee for offering it. — Officers, away with him !
Glov, What means your worship ? why, you'll spoil the
play, sir.
Sim, Before the king of Kent shall be thus serv'd,
I'll play the clown myself. — Away with him ! 180
[Officers seize Third Player.
Third Play, With me? if it please your worship,
'twas my part
Sim, But 'twas a foolish part as ever thou playedst in
thy life : I'll make thee smoke for it ; 1*11 teach thee to
understand to play a clown ; thou shalt know every man
is not born to it — Away with him quickly ! He'll have
the other pocket picked else ; I heard them say it with
my own ears.
Re-enter Second Player as Second Cheater.
See, he's come in another disguise to cheat thee again.
\Exit Third Player with Officers.
Second Play, Pish, whither goes he now ? 190
Sim. Come on, sir, let us see what your knaveship can
do at me now : you must not think you have a clown in
SCENE I. ] Mayor of Queenborough. i o i
hand. The fool I have committed too, for playing the
part.
\Throws offhisgcnvn, discovering his doublet with
a satin forepart^ and a canvas back.
Second Flay, What's here to do ?
Glov, Fie, good sir, come away: will your worship
base yourself to play a clown ?
Second Play, I beseech your worship let us have our
own clown ; I know not how to go forwards else. i99
Sim, Knave, play out thy part with me, or I'll lay thee
by the heels all the days of thy life. — Why, how now,
my masters, who is that laughed at me ? cannot a man
of worship play the clown a little for his pleasure, but he
must be laughed at ? Do you know who I am ? Is the
king's deputy of no better account among you ? Was I
chosen to be laughed at ? — Where's my clerk ?
Amin, Here, if it please your worship.
Sim, Take a note of all those that laugh at me, that
when I have done, I may commit them. Let me see
who dare do it now. — ^And now to you once again, sir
cheater : look you, here are my purse-strings ; I do defy
thee. 213
Second Pkty, Good sir, tempt me not ; my part is so
written, that I should cheat your worship if you were my
father.
Sim, I should have much joy to have such a rascal to
my son.
Second Play, Therefore I beseech your worship pardon
me ; the part has more knavery in it than when your
worship saw it at first : I assure you you'll be deceived
I02 Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
in it, sir ; the new additions will take any man's purse in
Kent or Kirsendom. 222
Sim. If thou canst take my purse, 1*11 give it thee
freely:
And do thy worst, I charge thee, as thou'lt answer it
Second Play. I shall offend your worship.
Sim. Knave, do it quickly.
Second Play. Say you so? then there's for you, and
here is for me.
[Throws meal in hisfacCy takes his purse ^ and exit
Sim. O bless me ! neighbours, I am in a fog,
A cheater's fog ; I can see nobody.
Glov. Run, follow him, officers. 230
Sim. Away ! let him go ; he will have all your purses,
if he come back. A pox on your new additions ! ^ they
spoil all the plays that ever they come in : the old way
had no such roguery in it. Call you this a merry comedy,
when a man's eyes are put out in't? Brother Honey-
suckle [Exit Aminadab.
Felt. What says your sweet worship ?
Sim, I make you deputy, to rule the town till I can
see again, which will be within these nine days at farthest
Nothing grieves me now, but that I hear Oliver the rebel
laugh at me. A pox on your puritan face ! this will
make you in love with plays as long as you live ; we shall
not keep you from them now. 243
1 There is an allusion to the practice, so common in Elizabethan
times^ of introducing additional matter into plays on the occasion of
their revival.
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough. 103
OHv, In sincerity, I was never better pleased at an
exercise.^ Ha, ha, ha !
Sim. Neighbours, what colour was the dust the rascal
threw in my face ?
Glov. 'Twas meal, if it please your worship.
Sim, Meal ! I am glad of it ; I'll hang the miller for
selling it 250
Glov. Nay, ten to one the cheater never bought it ; he
stole it certainly.
Sim. Why, then I'll hang the cheater for stealing it,
and the miller for being out of the way when he did it
Felt. Ay, but your worship was in the fault yourself;
you bid him do his worst.
Sm. His worst ? that's true ; but the rascal hath done
his best ; for I know not how a villain could put out a
man's eyes better, and leave them in his head, as he has
done mine. 260
Re-enter Aminadab.
Amin. Where is my master's worship ?
Sim. How now, Aminadab ? I hear thee, though I see
thee not.
Amin. You are sure cozened, sir; they are all professed
cheaters: they have stolen two silver spoons, and the
clown took his heels with all celerity. They only take
the name of country comedians to abuse simple people
with a printed play or two, which they bought at Canter-
bury for sixpence ; and what is worse, they speak but
what they list of it, and fribble out the rest 270
1 The week-day sermons of the Puritans were called exercises.
1 04 Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
Sim, Here's no ^ abuse to the commonwealth, if a man
could see to look into it !
But mark the cunning of these cheating slaves,
First they make justice blind, then play the knaves.
Heng, \without\ Where's master mayor ?
Glov, Od's precious, brother! the king of Kent is
newly alighted.
Sim. The king of Kent !
Where is he ? that I should live to this day,
And yet not live to see to bid him welcome ! . 280
Enter Hengist attended.
Heng, Where is Simonides, our friendly host ?
Sim. Ah, blind as one that had been fox'd * a seven-
night !
Heng. Why, how now, man ?
Sim. Faith, practising a clown's part for your grace,
I have practis'd both my eyes out
Heng. What need you practise that ?
Sim. A man is never too old to learn ; your grace will
say so, when you hear the jest of it : the truth is, my
lord, I meant to have been merry, and now it is my luck
to weep water and oatmeal ; I shall see again at supper,
I make no doubt of it. 291
Ifeng. This is strange to me, sirs.
JSnter a Gentleman.
Geni. Arm, arm, my lord !
Heng. What's that?
1 Sec note 2, p. 55. « A cant term for " drunk."
SCENE I.] Mayor of Queenborough, j 05
Gent, With swiftest speed,
If ever you'll behold the queen, your daughter,
Alive again.
Heng, Roxena?
Gent. They are besieg'd :
Aurelius Ambrose, and his brother Uther,
With numbers infinite of British forces,
Beset their castle, and they cannot 'scape
Without your speedy succour.
Heng, For her safety
I'll forget food and rest ; away I 300
Sim, I hope your worship will hear the jest ere you go.
Heng, The jest ! torment me not.
Sim, I'll follow you to Wales with a dog and a bell,
but I will tell it you.
Het^, Unseasonable folly !
\Exit with Attendants.
Sim, 'Tis sign of war when great men disagree.
Look to the rebel well, till I can see ;
And when my sight's recover'd, I will have
His eyes puU'd out for a fortnight.
OHv, My eyes ? hang thee !
A deadly sin or two shall pluck them out first ; 3^0
That is my resolution. Ha, ha, ha ! \Exeunt
io6 Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
SCENE 11.
Before a Castle in Wales,
Enter Aurelius and Uther, and Lords, with
Soldiers.
Uth, My lord, the castle is so fortified —
Aur. \jt\ wild-fire ruin it,
That his destruction may appear to him
In the figure of heaven's wrath at the last day,
That murderer of our brother. Hence, away !
ril send my heart no peace tiirt be consumed.
\Enter above Vortiger and HoRSUS.
Uth, There he appears again — behold, my lord 1
Aur, O that the zealous fire on my soul's altar.
To the high birth of virtue consecrated,
Would fit me with a lightning now to blast him, lo
Even as I look upon him !
UtK Good my lord.
Your anger is too noble and too precious
To waste itself on guilt so foul as his :
Let ruin work her will.
Vort, Begirt all round ?
Hor, All, all, my lord \ 'tis folly to make doubt oft :
You question things, that horror long ago
Resolv'd us on.
Vort. Give me leave, Horsus, though .
^,
SCENE II.] Mayor of Qtteenborough. 1 07
Hor, Do what you will, sir ; question them again ; I'll
tell them to you.
Vort, Not so, sir ; 20
I will not have them told again.
Hor, It rests then —
Vort, That's an ill word put in, when thy heart
knows
There is no rest at all, but torment waking.^
Hor, True ; my heart finds it, that sits weeping blood
now
For poor Roxena's safety. — [Aside.] You'll confess, my
lord.
My love to you has brought me to this danger ?
I could have liv'd, like Hengist king of Kent,
London, York, Lincoln, and Winchester,
Under the power of my command, the portion
Of my most just desert, enjoyfed now 30
By pettier deservers.
Vorf, Say you so, sir ?
And you'll confess, since you began confession,
(A thing I should have died ere I had thought on).
You've marr'd the fashion of your affection utterly,
In your own wicked counsel, there you paid me :
You were bound in conscience to love me after ;
You were bound to't, as men in honesty.
That vitiate virgins, to give dowries to them :
My faith was pure before to a faithful woman.
1 Olded. "making."
1 08 Mayor of Queenborougk. [act v.
Hot, My lord, my counsel —
Vort, Why, I'll be judg'd by these 40
That knit death in their brows, and hold me now
Not worth the acception of a flattery ;
Most of whose faces srail'd when I srail'd once. —
My lords !
Uth, Reply not, brother.
Vort. Seeds of scorn,
I mind you not ; I speak to them alone
Whose force makes yours . a power, which else were
none.
Show me the main food of your hate.
Which cannot be the murder of Constantius,
That crawls in your revenges, for your loves
Were violent long since that.
First Lord, And had been still, 5°
If from that Pagan wound thou'dst kept thee free ;
But when thou fled*st from heaven, we fled from
thee.
Vort This was your counsel now.
Hor. Mine? 'twas the counsel
Of your own lust and blood ; your appetite knows it.
Vort. May thunder strike me from these walls, my
lords.
And leave me many leagues off from your eyes,
If this be not the man whose Stygian soul
Breath'd forth that counsel to me, and sole plotter
Of all those false injurious disgraces.
SCENE II. ] Mayor of Queenborough, 1 09
That have abus'd the virtuous patience 60
Of our religious queen.
Hor, A devil in madness !
Vort, Upon whose life I swear there sticks no
stain
But what's most wrongful : and where now she thinks
A rape dwells on her honour, only I
Her ravisher was, and his the policy.
Aur, Inhuman practice !
Vort, Now you know the truth,
Will his death serve your fury ?
Hor. My death ?
Vort, Say, will it do it ?
Hot, Say they should say 'twould do't?
Vort Why, then it must.
Hor, It must ?
Vort It shall. — 70
Speak but the word, it shall be yielded up.
Hor, Believe him not ; he cannot do it
Vort, Cannot?
Hor, *Tis but a false and base insinuation
For his own life, and like his late submission.
Vort. O sting to honour! Alive or dead, thou
goest
For that word's rudeness only. {Stabs him.
First Lord, See, sin needs
No other destruction than [what] it breeds
In its own bosom.
no Mayor of Qtuenborough. [act v.
Vort Such another brings him.
Hor, What ! has thy vile rage stampt a wound upon
me?
I'll send one to thy soul shall never heal for*t 80
Vort, How, to my soul ?
Hor, It shall be thy master torment,
Both for the pain and th' everlastingness.
Vart Ha, ha, ha I
Hor, Dost laugh ? take leave oft : all eternity
Shall never see thee do so much again.
Know, thou'rt a cuckold.
Vort. What!
Hor, You change too soon, sir.
Roxena, whom thou'st raised to thy own ruin,
She was my whore in Germany.
Vort, Burst me open.
The violence of whirlwinds !
Hor, Hear me out first.
For her embrace, which my flesh yet sits warm in, 90
I was thy friend and follower.
Vort, Defend me.
Thou most imperious noise that starts the world !
Hor, And to serve both our lusts, I practised with
thee
Against thy virtuous queen.
Vort, Bane to all comforts !
Hor, Whose faithful sweetness, too precious for thy
blood,
I made thee change for love's hypocrisy.
Vort, Insufferable !
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 1 1 1
Hor. Only to make
My way to pleasure fearless, free, and fluent.
Vort, HelFs trump is in that throat !
Jlor. It shall sound shriller.
Vort. I'll dam it up with death first.
[77i^ stab each other. Enter Roxena above,
Rox, O for succour !
Who's near me ? Help me, save me ! the flame follows
me; loo
'Tis in the figure of young Vortimer, the prince,
Whose life I took by poison.
Hor, Hold out, breath,
And I shall find thee quickly.
Vort, I will tug
Thy soul out here
Hor, Do, monster !
Rox, Vortiger !
Vort, Monster!
Rox, My lord !
Vort, Toad ! Pagan !
Hor, Viper ! Christian !
Rox, O hear me, O help me, my love, my lord ! 'tis
here!
Horsus, look up, if not to succour me.
To see me yet consum'd. O what is love,
When life is not regarded !
Vort, What strength's left
I'll fix upon thy throat.
Hor, I have some force yet. no
\They stab each other ^ HoRSVS /alls.
1 1 2 Mayor of Queenborough. [act v.
Rox, No way to *scape ? is this the end of glory ?
Doubly beset with enemies' wrath, and fire ?
It comes nearer — rivers and fountains, fall ! —
It sucks away my breath ; I cannot give
A curse to sin, and hear't out while I live.
Help, help ! {Falls.
Vort, Burn, burn ! Now I can tend thee.
Take time with her in torment, call her life
Afar oflf to thee, dry up her strumpet-blood.
And hardly parch the skin : let one heat strangle
her, 120
Another fetch her to her sense again.
And the worse pain be Only her reviving ;
Follow her eternally ! O mystical harlot,
Thou hast thy full due ! Whom lust crowned queen
before.
Flames crown her now a most triumphant whore ;
And that end crowns them all ! [Falls,
Aur, Our peace is full
In yon usurper's fall ; nor have I known
A judgment meet [the bad] more fearfully.
Here, take this ring ; deliver the good queen,
And those grave pledges of her murder'd honour, 130
Her worthy father and her noble uncle.
\Exit Second Lord with ring. Trumpets
sound.
How now ! the meaning of these sounds ?
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough. 1 1 3
Enter Devonshire, Stafford, and Soldiers, with
Hesgist prisomr.
Hen. The consumer has been here ; she's gone, she's
lost;
In glowing cinders now lie all my joys :
The headlong fortune of my rash captivity
Strikes not so deep a wound into my hopes
As thy dear loss.
Aur, Her father and her uncle !
First Lord. They are indeed, my lord.
Aur, Part of my wishes.
What fortunate power has prevented ^ me,
And ere my love came, brought them victory? 140
First Lord, My wonder sticks in Hengist, king of
Kent.
Devonshire, My lord, to make that plain which now I
see
Fix'd in astonishment ; the only name
Of your return and being, brought such gladness
To this distracted kingdom, that, to express
A thankfulness to heaven, it grew great
In charitable actions ; from which goodness
We taste our liberty, who liv'd engaged
Upon the innocence of woman's honour,
(A kindness that even threatened to undo us) : 150
^ Anticipated.
VOL. II. H
114 Mayor of Qtieenborough, [act v.
And having newly but enjo/d the benefit
And fruits of our enlargement, 'twas our happiness
To intercept this monster of ambition,
Bred in these times of usurpation.
The rankness of whose insolence and treason
Grew to such height, 'twas arm'd to bid you battle ;
Whom, as our fame's redemption, on our knees
We present captive.
Aur. Had it needed reason.
You richly came provided. I understood
Not your deserts till now. — My honoured lords, i6o
Is this that German Saxon, whose least thirst
Could not be satisfied under a province ?
Heng, Had but my fate directed this bold arm
To thy life, the whole kingdom had been mine ;
That was my hope's great aim : I have a thirst
Could never have been full quench'd under all ;
The whole must do't, or nothing.
Aur, A strange drought !
And what a little ground shall death now teach you
To be content withal !
Hmg, Why let it then,
For none else can ; you've nam'd the only way 170
To limit my ambition ; a full cure
For all my fading hopes and sickly fears ;
Nor shall it be less welcome to me now,
Than a fresh acquisition would have been
Unto my new-built kingdoms. Life to me,
'Less it be glorious, is a misery.
SCENE II.] Mayor of Queenborough, 115
Aur, That pleasure we will do you. — Lead him out :
And when we have inflicted our just doom
On his usurping head, it will become
Our pious care to see this realm secur'd 1^0
From the convulsions it hath long endur'd.
\E30eunt omnes.
i
THE OLD LAW.
The Excellent Comedy ^ called The Old Law^ or A new way
to please you.
( PhiL Massinger,
By I Tho. Middleton,
( William Rowley,
Acted before the King and Queene at SaXisbury House, and at
severall other places, with great Applause, Together with an
exact and perfect CcUcdogue of all the Playes, with the Authors
NameSi and what are Comedies, Tragedies, Histories, Pastoralls^
Masks, Interludes, more exactly Printed then ever before. London^
Printed for Edward Archer, cU the signe of the Adam and Eve, in
Little Britaine, 1656. 4to.
DRAMATIS PERSON jE,
EVANDER, Duke of Epire.
Cratilus, the executioner,
Ckwjou, father to SiKONiDES.
SiKONIDES, ) - .
Lysander, husband to Eugenia, and uncle to Cleanthes.
'Leohid^s, father to Cleanthes.
Gnotho, the chrwn.
Lawyers.
Courtiers,
Dancing'fnaster,
Butler,
Bailiff, I
Footman, 1
Cook, f
Clerk. •
Drawer,
Antigona, wife to Creon.
HippoLiTA, wife to Cleanthes.
Eugenia, wife to Lysander, and mother to Parthenia.
Parthenia.
Agatha, wife to Gnotho.
Old women, wives to Creon's sen/ants.
Courtezan, *
Fiddlers, Servants, Guard, ^c.
SCENE, Epire.
THE OLD LAW.
ACT I.
SCENE I.
A Room in Creon's House.
Enter Simonides and two Lawyers.
Sim, Is the law firm, sir ?
First Law. The law ! what more firm, sir,
More powerful, forcible, or more permanent ?
Sim. By my troth, sir,
I partly do believe it ; conceive, sir.
You have indirectly answered my question.
I did not doubt the fundamental grounds
Of law in general, for the most solid ;
But this particular law that me concerns.
Now, at the present, if that be firm and strong.
And powerful, and forcible, and permanent? lo
I am a young man that has an old father.
Second Law. Nothing more strong, sir.
It is — Secundum statutum principis^ confirmatum cum voce
122 The Old Law. [act i.
senatus, ^ et voce reipublica ; nay, consummatum et exempli-
ficatum.
Is it not in force,
When divers have abeady tasted it.
And paid their lives for penalty ?
Sim. *Tis true.
My father must be next ; this day completes
Full fourscore years upon him. 20
Second Law, He's here, then.
Subpoena stcUuii: hence I can tell him.
Truer than all the physicians in the world,
He cannot live out to-morrow ; this
Is the most certain climacterical year —
'Tis past all danger, for there's no 'scaping it
What age is your mother, sir ?
Sim, Faith, near her days too \
Wants some two of threescore.
First Law, So ! she'll drop away
One of these days too : here's a good age now
For those that have old parents and rich inheritance !
Sim, And, sir, 'tis profitable for others too : 30
Are there not fellows that lie bedrid in their offices.
That younger men would walk lustily in ?
Churchmen, that even the second infancy
Hath silenc'd, yet hath spun out their lives so long.
That many pregnant and ingenious spirits
Have languish'd in their hop'd reversions,
And died upon the thought ? and, by your leave, sir,
^ Olded. "senatum.*'
scxNEi] The Old Law. 123
Have you not places fiU'd up in the law
By some grave senators, that you imagine
Have held them long enough, and such spirits as
you, 40
Were they removed, would leap into their dignities ?
First Law. Die quibus in terris^ et eris mihi magnus
Apollo}
Sim. But tell me, faith, your fair opinion :
Is't not a sound and necessary law,
This, by the duke enacted ?
First Law. Never did Greece,
Our ancient seat of brave philosophers,
'Mongst all her nomothetce ^ and lawgivers.
Not when she flourished in her sevenfold sages,
Whose living memory can never die.
Produce a law more grave and necessary. 5°
Sim. I'm of that mind too.
Second Law. I will maintain, sir,
Draco's oligarchy, that the government
Of community reduced into few,
Frara'd a fair state ; Solon's chreokopia^
That cut off poor men's debts to their rich creditors,
Was good and charitable, but not full allow'd ; *
His seisactheia ^ did reform that error, .
1 Virgil, Eclqg. iii. 104.
' Olded. "nomotheta."
s X/>c(l)KOlrle^ a cancelliDg of debts. — Old ed. " CrecopedL"
* Approved.
• Zeurdx^eio, an abolition of debt (literally, a shaking off of burthens).
—Olded. "Sisaithie.
124 ^^ Old Law. ACT I.
His honourable senate of AreopagiUe.
Lycurgus was more loose, and gave too free
And licentious reins unto his discipline ; 60
As that a young woman, in her husband's weakness,
Might choose her able friend to propagate ;
That so the commonwealth might be supplied
With hope of lusty spirits. Plato did err,
And so did Aristotle, [in] allowing
Lewd and luxurious limits to their laws :
But now our Epire, our Epire's Evander,
Our noble and wise Prince, has hit the law
That all our predecessive students
Have miss'd, unto their shame.
Enter Cleanthes.
Sim. Forbear the praise, sir, 70
'Tis in itself most pleasing. — Cleanthes !
O lad, here's a spring for young plants to flourish !
The old trees must down kept the sun from us ;
We shall rise now, boy.
Clean, Whither, sir, I pray ?
To the bleak air of storms, among those trees
Which we had shelter from ?
Sim, Yes, from our growth.
Our sap and livelihood, and from our fruit
What ! 'tis not jubilee with thee yet, I think.
Thou look'st so sad on't How old is thy father ?
Clean. Jubilee! no, indeed; 'tis a bad year with
me. 80
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 125
Sitiu Prithee, how old's thy father? then I can tell
thee.
Clean. I know not how to answer you, Simonides ;
He's too old, being now exposed
Unto the rigour of a cruel edict ;
And yet not old enough by many years,
'Cause I'd not see him go an hour before me.
Sim, These very passions ^ I speak to my father.
Come, come, here's none but friends here, we may speak
Our insides freely ; these are lawyers, man,
And shall be counsellors shortly.
Clean, They shall be now, sir, 90
And shall have large fees if they'll undertake
To help a good cause, for it wants assistance ;
Bad ones, I know, they can insist upon.
First Law, O sir, we must undertake of both parts ;
But the good we have most good in.
Clean, Pray you, say.
How do you allow of this strange edict ?
First Law, Secundum justitiam ; by my faith, sir,
The happiest edict that ever was in Epire.
Clean, What, to kill innocents, sir ? it cannot be,
It is no rule in justice there to punish. 100
First Law, O sir.
You understand a conscience, but not law.
Clean, Why, sir, is there so main a difference ?
First Law, You'll never be good lawyer if you under-
stand not that.
1 Sorrowful speeches.
126 The Old Law. [acti.
Chan, I think, then, 'tis the best to be a bad one.
First Law, Why, sir, the very letter and the sense both
do ^ overthrow you in this statute, which ^ speaks, that
every man living to fourscore years, and women to three-
score, shall then be cut off, as fruitless to the republic,
and law shall finish what nature lingered at no
Clean. And this suit shall soon be despatch'd in
law?
First Law, It is so plain it can have no demur ;
The church-book overthrows it.
Clean, And so it does ;
The church-book ^ overthrows it, if you read it well.
First Law. Still, you run from the law into error !
You say it takes the lives of innocents ;
I say no, and so says common reason ;
What man lives to fourscore, and women to three,
That can die innocent ?
Clean. A fine lawfuU evasion !
Good sir, rehearse the full statute to me. 120
Sim. Fie ! that's too tedious j you have already
The full sum in the brief relation.
Clean. Sir,
*Mongst many words may be found contradictions ;
And these men dare sue and wrangle with a statute,
If they can pick a quarrel with some error.
1 Old ed. •• both do both."
« Olded. "which that."
• As Gifford observes, the lawyer's "church-book" is the parish-
register, and CleaDthes' " church-book" is Holy Writ.
SCENE I.] The Old Law, 127
Second Law, Listen, sir, I'll gather it as brief as I can
for you :
Anno primo Evandriy Be it for the care and good of the
commonwealth^ {for divers necessary reasons that we shall
urge,) thus peremptorily enacted^ —
Clean, A fair pretence, if the reasons foul il not I 130
Second Law, That all men living in our dominions of
Epire, in their decayed nature, to the age of fourscore, or
women to the age of threescore, shall on the same day be
instantly put to death, by those means and instruments that
a former proclamation, had to this purpose, through our said
territories dispersed.
Clean, There was no woman in this senate, certain. 137
First Law, That these men — being past their bearing arms
to aid and defend their country; past their manhood and
livelihood to propagate any further issue to their posterity;
and as well past their councils {which overgrown gravity is
now run into dotage) to assist their country; to whom, in
common reason, nothing should be so weaHsome as their own
lives, — as it may be supposed, is tedious to their successive
heirs, whose times are spent in the good of their country,
yet wanting the means to maintain it, and are like to
grow old before their inheritance {bom to them) come to
their necessary use: for the women} for that they never
were defence to their country; never by counsel admitted to the
assist of government of their country ; only necessary to the
propagation of posterity, and now, at the age of threescore,
they be past * that good, and all their goodness : it is thought fit,
1 Old ed. " for the which are the women."
2 Olded. "to be past."
128 The Old Law, [acti.
then^ (a quarter abated from the more worthy member) they^ be
put to deaths as is before recited: provided that^ for tke just
andimpartial execution of this our statute^ the example shall
first begin in and about our courts which our self will see care-
fully performed; and noty for a full month following^ extend
any further into our dominions, Daied the sixth of the second
months at out^Palcue Royal in Epire, 159
Clean, A fine edict, and very fairly gilded !
And is there no scruple in all these words
To demur the law upon occasion ?
Sim, Fox ! 'tis an unnecessary inquisition ;
Prithee, set him not about it.
Second Law, Troth, none, sir :
It is so evident and plain a case,
There is no succour for the defendant.
Clean, Possible ! can nothing help in a good case ?
First Law. Faith, sir, I do think there may be a hole,
Which would protract — delay, if not remedy.
Clean, Why, there's some comfort in that : good sir,
speak it. 170
First Law. Nay, you must pardon me for that, sir.
Sim. Prithee, do not ;
it may ope a wound to many sons and heirs.
That may die after it.
Clean. Come, sir, I know
How to make you speak : — will this do't ?
\Gives him his purse.
First Law. I will afford you my opinion, sir.
1 Olded. "to."
SCENE I,] The Old Law, 1 29
Clean, Pray you, repeat the literal words expressly,
The time of death.
Sim, 'Tis an unnecessary question ; prithee, let it alone.
Second Law. Hear his opinion ; 'twill be fruitless, sir.
That man at the age offourscore^ and women at threescore,
shall the same day be put to death, ^ 162
JFirst Law, Thus I help the man to twenty-one years
more.
Clean, That were a fair addition.
First Law, Mark it, sir ; we say, man is not at age
Till he be one-and-twenty ; before, 'tis ^ infancy.
And adolescency ; nor, by that addition,
Fourscore he cannot be till a hundred and one.
Sim, O poor evasion !
He's fourscore years old, sir.
First Law, That helps more, sir ; 190
He begins to be old at fifty, so, at fourscore
He's but thirty years old ; so, believe it, sir.
He may be twenty years in declination ;
And so long may a man linger and live by't
Sim, The worst hope of safety that e'er I heard !
Give him his fee again, 'tis not worth two deniers.
First Law, There's no law for restitution of fees, sir.
Clean, No, no, sir ; I meant it lost when 'twas given.
Enter Creon and Antigona.
Sim. No more, good sir !
Here are ears unnecessary for your doctrine. 200
1 Olded. "his"
VOL. II. I
1 30 The Old Law. [act i.
Hrst Law. I have spoke out my fee, and I have done,
sir.
Sim, O my dear father !
Creofu Tush ! meet me not in exclaims ; ^
I understand the worst, and hope no better.
A fine law ! if this hold, white heads will be cheap,
And many watchmen's places will be vacant ;
Forty of 'em I know my seniors,
That did due deeds of darkness too : — their country ^
Has watch'd 'em a good turn for't,
And ta'en 'em napping now :
The fewer hospitals will serve too, many 210
May be us'd for stews and brothels ; and those people
Will never trouble 'em to fourscore.
Ant Can you play and sport with sorrow, sir ?
Creon, Sorrow I for what, Antigona ? for my life ?
My sorrow's I have kept it so long well,
With bringing it up unto so ill an end :
I might have gently lost it in my cradle,
Before my nerves and ligaments grew strong.
To bind it faster to me.
Sim. For mine own sake,
I should have been sorry for that.
Creoiu In my youth 220
I was a soldier, no coward in my age ;
I never turn'd my back upon my foe ;
1 Exclamations.
s So Gififord and Dyce. The old ed. gives^
*« That did due deeds of darknesse to their countrey.
Has watck'd 'em/' &c.
SCENE I. ] The Old Law. 131
I have felt nature's winters, sicknesses,^
Yet ever kept a lively sap in me
To greet the cheerful spring of health again.
Dangers on horseback,^ on foot, by water,
I have 'scap'd to this day ; and yet this day,
Without all help of casual accidents,
Is only deadly to me, 'cause it numbers
Fourscore years to me. Where is the fault now? 230
I cannot blame time, nature, nor my stars.
Nor aught but tyranny. Even kings themselves
Have sometimes tasted an even fate with me.
He that has been a soldier all his days,
And stood in personal opposition
'Gainst darts and arrows, the extremes of heat
And pinching cold, has treacherously at home,
In's secured * quiet, by a villain's hand
Been * basely lost, in his stars' ignorance : —
And so must I die by a tyrant's sword. 24Q
First Law, O say not so, sir ; it is by the law.
Creon, And what's that, sir, but the sword of tyranny.
When it is brandish'd against innocent lives ?
Fm now upon my deathbed, sir; and 'tis fit
I should unbosom my free conscience,
And show the faith I die in : — I do believe
'Tis tyranny that takes my life.
1 1 should prefer "winter-sicknesses."
s Gifford and Dyce read " Dangers on horse, on foot, [by land,] bj
water/'— but it is uncritical to restore the measure bj such violent treat-
ment.
* Gifford and Dyce read " In's secure.**
« Old ed. " Am basely lost in my^' &c
1 32 The Old Law. [act i.
Sim, Would it were gone,
By one means or other ! what a long day
Will this be ere night ! \Aside.
Creon, Simonides.
Sim, Here, sir.* [ WeepingP' 250
CreofL Wherefore dost thou weep ?
Clean. 'Cause you make no more haste to your end.
\Asidt,
Sim, How can you question nature so unjustly ?
I had a grandfather, and then had not you
True filial tears for him ?
Clean. Hypocrite!
A disease of drought dry up all pity from him,
That can dissemble pity with wet eyes ! \Aside.
Creon. Be good unto your mother, Simonides ;
She must be now your care.
Ant. To what end, sir ?
The bell of this sharp edict tolls for me, 260
As it rings out for you. — I'll be as ready,
With one hour's stay, to go along with you.
Creon, Thou must not, woman ; there are years behind,
Before thou canst set forward in this voyage ;
And nature, sure, will now be kind to all :
She has a quarrel in't, a cruel law
Seeks to prevent * her, she will therefore fight in't,
1 Olded. "sit."
s Gilford and Dyce give this as part of the text ; and Gifford states
that it is so printed in the old copy. What the old copy gives is —
" Heer sit weeping. "
It is plain that ' ' weeping " was intended for a stage-direction.
% << To anticipate the period she had allotted to life.** — Gifford,
SCENE I, ] TAe Old Law. 133
And draw out life even to her longest thread :
Thou art scarce fifty-five.
Ant So many morrows !
Those five remaining years I'll turn to days, 270
To hours, or minutes, for thy company.
Tis fit that you and I, being man and wife,
Should walk together arm in arm.
Sim. I hope
They'll go together ; I would they would, i'faith —
Then would her thirds be sav'd too. — {Aside,
The day goes away, sir.
Creon, Why, wouldst thou have me gone, Simonjdes ?
Sim. O my heart ! Would you have me gone before
you, sir,
You give me such a deadly wound ?
Clean. Fine rascal ! \Aside,
Sim. Blemish my duty so with such a question ?
Sir, I would haste me to the duke for mercy : 2S0
He that's above the law may mitigate
The rigour of the law. How a good meaning
May be corrupted by [a] misconstruction !
Creon. Thou corrupt'st mine; I did not think thou
mean'st so.
Clean. You were in the more error. {Aside.
Sim. The words wounded me.
Clean. 'Twas pity thou died'st not on't. {Aside.
Sim. I have been ransacking the helps of law.
Conferring with these learned advocates :
If any sgruple, cause, or wrested sense
Could have been found out to preserve your life, 290
1 34 The Old Law. [act i.
It had been bought, though with your full estate,
Your life's so precious to me ; — ^but there is none.
First Law. Sir, we have canvass'd her ^ from top to toe,
Turn'd her ^ upside down ; threw her on her side,
Nay, open'd and dissected all her entrails,
Yet can find none : there's nothing to be hop'd.
But the duke's mercy.
Sim. I know the hope of that ;
He did not make the law for that purpose. \Aside.
Cteon. Then to his hopeless mercy last I go ;
I have so many precedents before me, 300
I must call it hopeless : Antigona,
See me delivered up unto my deathsman,
And then we'll part ; — ^five years hence I'll look for thee.
Sim. I hope she'll not stay so long behind yoiL \Aside,
Creon. Do not bate him an hour by grief and sorrow,
Since there's a day prefix'd, haste[n] it not
Suppose me sick, Antigona, dying now ;
Any disease thou wilt may be my end ;
Or when death's slow to come, say tyrants send.
\Exeunt Creon and Antigona.
Sim. Cleanthes, if you want money, to-morrow use
me; 310
I'll trust you while ^ your father's dead.
\^Exit with the Lawyers.
Chan. Why, here's a villain,
Able to corrupt a thousand by example !
Does the kind root bleed out his livelihood
1 Olded. "it" a Until
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 135
In parent distribution to his branches,
Adorning them with all his glorious fruits,
Proud that his pride is seen when he's unseen ;
And must not gratitude descend again.
To comfort his old limbs in fruitless winter ?
Improvident, at least partial ^ nature ! 320
(Weak woman in this kind), who, in thy last
Teeming,^ forgets the former, ever making
The burthen of thy last throes still the dearest
Darling ; oh yet in noble man reform it.
And make us better than those vegetives
Whose souls die with 'em. Nature, as thou art old,
If love and justice be not dead in thee,
Make some the pattern of thy piety ;
I^est all do turn unnaturally against thee,
And thou be blam'd for our oblivious 330
Enter Leonides and Hippolita.
And brutish reluctations ! Ay, here's the ground
Whereon my filial faculties must build
1 For the sake of the metre, I should like to read " impartial,*' which
is occasionally found in the sense of ' ' unkindly." See my note, Marlowe's
Works, ii. 60.
8 The reading of the old edition is —
*• Teeming still forgets the former, ever making
The burthen of thy last throws the dearest
Darling ; oh yet," &c.
The word •' still " appears to have been printed in the wrong line,— an
error of common occurrence. Even with this alteration the rhythm is
awkward. Gifford and Dyce give —
" (Weak woman in this kind), who, in thy last teeming
Forgetest still the former, ever making
The burthen of thy last throes the dearest darling."
V
136 The Old Law. [acti.
An edifice of honour, or of shame,
To all mankind.
Hip, You must avoid it, sir,
If there be any love within yourself:
This is far more than fate of a lost game.
That another venture may restore again ;
It is your life, which you should not subject
To any cruelty, if you can preserve it.
Clean, O dearest woman, thou hast doubled now ^ 340
A thousand times thy nuptial dowry to me ! —
Why, she whose love is but deriv'd from me,
Is got before me in my debted duty.
Hip, Are you thinking such a resolution, sir ?
Clean, Sweetest Hippolita, what love taught thee
To be so forward in so good a cause ?
Hip, Mine own pity, sir, did first instruct me,
And then your love and power did both command me.
Clean, They were all blessed angels to direct thee ;
And take their counsel How do you fare, sir? 350
Leon, Never better, Cleanthes ; I have conceived
Such a new joy within this old bosom.
As I did never think would there have entered.
Clean, Joy call you it ? alas ! 'tis sorrow, sir.
The worst of sorrows, sorro# unto death.
Leon, Death ! what's that, Cleanthes ? I thought not
on't,
\ was in contemplation of this woman :
'Tis all thy comfort, son ; thou hast in her
» OW ed. •• now doubled."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 137
A treasure unvaluable, keep her safe.
When I die, sure 'twill be a gentle death, 360
For I will die with wonder of her virtues ;
Nothing else shall dissolve me.
Clean. *Twere much better, sir.
Could you prevent their malice.
Leon, I'll prevent 'era,
And die the way I told thee, in the wonder
Of this good woman. I tell thee there's few men
Have such a child : I must thank thee for her.
That the stranger ^ tie of wedlock should do more
Than nature in her nearest ligaments
Of blood and propagation ! I should ne'er
Have begot such a daughter of my own : 370
A daughter-in-law ! law were above nature.
Were there more such children.
Clean, This admiration
Helps nothing to your safety : think of that, sir.
Leon, Had you heard her, Cleanthes, but labour
In the search of means to save my forfeit life.
And knew the wise and sound preservatives *
That she found out, you would redouble all
My wonder, in your love to her.
Clean, The thought,
The very thought, claims all that [love] from me.
And she is now possest oft ; but, good sir, 380
1 Old ed. •• stronger." — Gifford and Dyce give "strong."
s This is my own correction {metri causa) of the old ed.'s "pre-
servations."
138 The Old Law. [acti.
If you have aught received from her advice,
Let's follow it ; or else let's better think.
And take the surest course.
Lean. I'll tell thee one ;
She counsels me to fly my severe country ;
Turn all into treasure, and there build up
My decaying fortunes in a safer soil,
Where Epire's law cannot claim me.
CUan, And, sir,
I apprehend it as a safest course,
And may be easily accomplished ;
Let us be all most expeditious. 390
Every country where we breathe will be our own.
Or better soil ; heaven is the roof of all ;
And now, as Epire's situate by this law.
There is 'twixt us and heaven a dark eclipse.
Hip. O then avoid it, sir ; these sad events
Follow those black predictions.
Leon. I prithee, peace ;
I do allow ^ thy love, Hippolita,
But must not follow it as counsel, child ;
I must not shame my country for the law.
This country here hath bred me, brought me up, 400
And shall I now refuse a grave in her?
I'm in my second infancy, and children
Ne'er sleep so sweetly in their nurse's cradle
As in their natural mother's.
Hip. Ay, but, sir,
1 Approve.
SCENE I. ] The Old Law. 1 39
She is unnatural ; then the stepmother
Is to be preferred before her.
Leon. Tush ! she shall
Allow it me despite of her entrails.
Why, do you think how far from judgment 'tis,
That I should travel forth to seek a grave
That is already digg'd for me at home, 410
Nay, perhaps find it in my way to seek it? —
How have I then sought a repentant sorrow ?
For your dear loves, how have I banish'd you
From your country ever ? With my base attempt,
How have I beggared you, in wasting that
Which only for your sakes I bred together ;
Buried my name in Epire, which I built
Upon this frame, to live for ever in ?
What a base coward shall I be, to fly from
That enemy which every minute meets me, 420
And thousand odds he had not long vanquished me
Before this hour of battle ! Fly my death !
I will not be so false unto your states,
Nor fainting to the man that's yet in me :
I'll meet him bravely ; I cannot (this knowing) fear
That, when I am gone hence, I shall be there. ^
Come, I have days of preparation left
Clean. Good sir, hear me :
I have a genius that has prompted me.
1 Giffbrd says : — ' * The conclusion of this speech I do not understand.**
Should we read " here," and understand by the passage — *' I cannot
doubt but that, after my death, my name will live among my country-
men "? Cf. 1. 417, " buried my name in Epire," &c.
140 The Old Law. [acti.
And I have almost form'd it into words — 430
'Tis done, pray you observe 'em ; I can conceal you ;
And yet not leave your country.
Leon, Tush 1 it cannot be,
Without a certain peril on us all.
Clean, Danger must be hazarded, rather than
accept
A sure destruction. You have a lodge, sir,
So far remote from way of passengers.
That seldom any mortal eye does greet with't ;
And yet ^ so sweetly situate with thickets.
Built with such cunning labyrinths within,
As if the provident heavens, foreseeing cruelty, 440
Had bid you frame it to this purpose only.
Leon, Fie, fie ! 'tis dangerous — and treason too.
To abuse the law.
Hip, 'Tis holy care, sir,
Of your dear life, which is your own to keep.
But not your own to lose, either in will
Or negligence.
Clean, Call you it treason, sir?
I had been then a traitor unto you,
Had I forgot this ; beseech you, accept of it ;
It is secure, and a duty to yourself.
Ijeon, What a coward will you make me !
Clean, You mistake ; 450
'Tis noble courage ; now you fight with death,
And yield not to him till you stoop under him.
1 Olded. "yes."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 141
Leon, This must needs open to discovery,
And then what torture follows !
Clean, By what means, sir ?
Why, there is but one body in all this counsel.
Which cannot betray itself : we two are one.
One soul, one body, one heart, think all one ^ thought ;
And yet we two are not completely one.
But as [I] have derived myself from you, —
Who shall betray us where there is no second ? 460
Hip, You must not mistrust my faith, though my sex
plead
Weak[ness] and frailty for me.
Leon, O I dare not !
But whereas the means that must make answer for me ?
I cannot be lost without a full account.
And what must pay that reckoning ?
Clean, O sir, we will
Keep solemn obits for your funeral ;
We'll seem to weep, and seem to joy withal.
That death so gently has prevented you
The law's sharp rigour ; and this no mortal ear shall
Participate the knowledge of.
Leon, Ha, ha, ha ! 470
This will be a sportive fine demur.
If the error be not found.
Clean, Pray doubt of none.
Your company and best provision,
Must be no further furnish'd than by us :
1 Olded. " that think all. "
1 42 The Old Law, [act l
And, in the interim, your solitude may
Converse with heaven, and fairly prepare
[For that] which was too violent and raging
Thrown headlong on you.
Lton, Still, there are some doubts
Of the discovery ; yet I do allow't
Hip, Will you not mention now the cost and charge 480
Which will be in your keeping !
Leon, That will be somewhat,
Which you might save too.
Clean, With his will against him.
What foe is more to man than man himself?
Are you resolved, sir ?
Leon, I am, Cleanthes :
If by this means I do get a reprieve.
And cozen death awhile, when he shall come
Armed in his own power to give the blow,
I'll smile upon him then, and laughing go. [Exeunt.
( 143 )
ACT II.
SCENE L
Before the Palace,
Enter Evanoer, three Courtiers, and Cratilus.
Evan, Executioner!
Crat, My lord.
Evan, How did old Diodes take his death ?
Crat, As weeping brides receive their joys at night ; ^
With trembling, yet with patience.
Evan, Why, 'twas well
First Court, Nay, I knew my father would do well,
my lord,
Whene'er he came to die ; I'd that opinion of him,
Which made me the more willing to part from him ;
He was not fit to live i'the world, indeed,
Any time these ten years, my lord, lo
But I would not say so much.
Evan, No ! you did not well in't.
For he that's all spent is ripe for death at all hours,
And does but trifle time out.
1 Old ed. " at night, my lord.*'
144 '^^ Old Law. [actil
First Court, Troth, my lord,
I would I had known your mind nine years ago.
Evan, Our law is fourscore years, because we judge
Dotage complete then, as unfruitfulness
In women at threescore ; marry, if the son
Can, within compass, bring good solid proofs
Of his own father's weakness, and unfitness
To live, or sway the living, though he want five 20
Or ten years of his number, that's not it ;
His defect makes him fourscore, and 'tis fit
He dies when he deserves ; for every act
Is in effect then, when the cause is ripe.
Second Court, An admirable prince ! how rarely he
talks !
O that we'd known this, lads I What a time did we
endure
In two-penny commons, and in boots twice vamp'd ! ^
First Court, Now we have two pair a week, and yet
not thankful ;
'Twill be a fine world for them, sirs, that come after us.
Second Court, Ay, and ^ they knew't.
First ^ Court, Peace, let them never know't 30
Third Court, A pox, there be young heirs will soon
smell't out.
Second Court, 'Twill come to 'em by instinct, man.
May your grace
Never be old, you stand so well for youth !
1 Cobbled. a It
» Olded. "2."
SCENE!.] The Old Law. 145
Evan, Why now, methinks, our court looks like a
spring,
Sweet, fresh, and fashionable, now the old weeds are
gone.
First Court. 'Tis as a court should be :
Gloss and good clothes, my lord, no matter for merit ;
And herein your law proves a provident act,^
When men pass not the palsy of their tongues,
Nor colour in their cheeks.
Evan, But women, 40
By that law, should live long, for they're ne'er past it.
First Court, It will have heats though, when they see
the painting
Go an inch deep i' the wrinkle, and take up
A box more than their gossips r but for men, my lord,
That should be the sole bravery of a palace.
To walk with hollow eyes and long white beards.
As if a prince dwelt in a land of goats ;
With clothes as if they sat on ^ their backs on purpose
To arraign a fashion, and condemn' t to exile ;
Their pockets in their sleeves, as if they laid 5°
Their ear to avarice, and heard the devil whisper !
Now ours lie downward, here, close to the flank \
Right spending pockets, as a son's should be
That lives i' the fashion : where our diseased fathers,
Worried ^ with the sciatica and aches.
1 Olded. "act, my lord."
2 Olded. "upon."
3 So GiffoFd for the old eds. " Would." Dyce follows Mason's cor-
rection "Wood ** \ji,e, " mad").
VOL. II. K
146 The Old Law. [act n.
Brought up your pan'd ^ hose first, which ladies laughM
at,
Giving no reverence to the place lies ruin'd :
They love a doublet that's three hours a buttoning,
And sits so close makes a man groan again.
And his soul mutter half a day ; yet these are those 60
That carry sway and worth ; prick'd up in clothes,
Why should we fear our rising ?
Evan. You but wrong
Our kindness, and your own deserts, to doubt on't.
Has not our law made you rich before your time ?
Our countenance then can make you honourable.
First Court. Well spare for no cost, sir, to appear
worthy,
Evan, Why, you're i' the noble way then, for the most
Are but appearers ; worth itself is lost.
And bravery ^ stands for't.
Enter Creon, Antigona, and Simonides.
First Court, Look, look, who comes here !
I smell death, and another courtier, 70
Simonides.
Second Court, Sim !
^m. Push ! ^ I'm not for you yet,
Your company's too costly ; after the old man's
Despatch'd, I shall have time to talk with you ;
I shall come into the fashion, ye shall see too,
1 Breeches with panes or stripes of coloured cloth inserted.
* Finery. » The old form of ' ' Pish."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 147
After a day or two ; in the meantime,
I am not for your company.
Evan. Old Creon, you have been expected long ;
Sure you're above fourscore.
Sim, Upon my life,
Not four-and-twenty hours, my lord \ I searched
The church-book yesterday. Does your grace think 80
I'd let my father wrong the law, my lord ?
Twere pity a' my life then I no, your act
Shall not receive a minute's wrong by him,
While I live, sir ; and he's so just himself too,
I know he would no[t] oflfer't : — here he stands.
Creon, 'Tiis just
I die, indeed, my lord ; for I confess
I'm troublesome to life now, and the state
Can hope for nothing worthy from me now,
Either in force or counsel ; I've a' late 90
Employ'd myself quite from the world, and he
That once begins to serve his Maker faithfully
Can never serve a worldly prince well after ;
'Tis clean another way.
Ant O, give not confidence
To all he speaks, my lord, in his own injury.
His preparation only for the next world
Makes him talk widely, to his wrong, of this ;
He is not lost in judgment.
Sim, She spoils all again. \Aside,
Ant, Deserving any way for state employment.
Sim. Mother icw
143 The Old Law. [actil
Ant His very household laws prescribed at home by
him
Are able ta conform seven Christian kingdoms.
They are so wise and virtuous.
Sim. Mother, I say
Ant I know your laws extend not to desert, sir,
But to unnecessary y^ars ; and, my lord,
His are not such; though they show, white, they're
worthy.
Judicious, able, and religious.
Sim, I'll help you to a courtier of nineteen, mother.
Ant Away, unnatural !
Sim, Then I am no fool, I'm sure,
For to be natural at such a time ^iQ
Were a fooFs part indeed.
Ant Your grace's pity, sir.
And 'tis but fit and just
Creon, The law, my lord,
And that's the justest way.
Sim, Well said, father, i'faith 1
Thou wert ever juster than my mother still.
Evan, Come hither, sir.
Sim, My lord.
Evan, What are those orders ?
Ant Worth observation, sir,
So please you hear them read.
Sim. The woman speaks she knows not what, my
lord.
He make a law, poor man ! he bought a table, indeed,
Only to learn to die by't, there's the business, now ; 120
SCENE I.] The . Old Law. 1 49
Wherein there are some precepts for a ^oh too,
How he should learil to live, but I ne'er look'd upon't :
For, when he's dead, I shall live well enough,
And keep a better table ^ than that, I trow.
Evan, And is that all, sir ?
Sim, All, I vow, my lord ;
Save a few running admonitions
Upon cheese-trenchers,^ as —
Take heed of whoring^ shun it;
*Tis like a cheese too strong of the runnet.
And such calves' maws of wit and admonition, 130
Good to catch mice with, but not sons and heirs ;
They're not so easily caught
Evan, Agent for death !
Crat, Your will, my lord ?
Evan, Take hence that pile of years,
Before [he] surfeit * with unprofitable age.
And, with the rest^ from the high promofatory,
Cast him into the sea.
Creon, 'Tis noble justice 1
\Exit Cratilus with Creon.
Ant, 'Tis cursed tyranny !
1 " This wretched fellow is punning upon the word tabU, which, as
applied to his father, meant a large sheet of paper, where precepts for
the due regulation of life were set down in distinct lines ; and as applied
to himself— that he would keep a better house, i,e, liv6 more sumptuously,
than his father." — Gifford,
3 Old authors frequently allude to the practice of inscribing posies on
cheese-trenchers. See Middleton's No Wit^ No Help like a Woman^Sf
iL I.
5 Gifford reads "Forfeit before," which Dyce (though **not quite
satisfied ") adopts.
1 50 The Old Law. [act n.
Sim, Peace ! take heed, mother ;
YouVe but a short time to be cast down yourself ;
And let a young courtier do*t, and you be wise,
In the meantime.
Ant Hence, slave !
Sim, Well, seven-and-fifty, 140
YouVe but three years to scold, then comes your pay-
ment. \Exit Antigona.
First Court, Simonides.
Sim, Push, I'm not brave enough to hold you talk
yet;
Give a man time ; I have a suit a making.
Second Court, We love thy form first ; brave clothes
will come, man.
Sim. I'll make 'em come else, with a mischief to 'em,
As other gallants do, that have less left 'enL
[Recorders within,
Evan, Hark ! whence those sounds ? what's that ?
First Court, Some funeral.
It seems, my lord ; and young Cleanthes follows.
Enter ^ a funeral procession ; the hearse followed by
Cleanthes and Hippolita gaily dressed.
Evan. Cleanthes !
Second Court. Tis, my lord, and in the place 150
Of a chief mourner too, but strangely habited.
Evan, Yet suitable to his behaviour ; mark it ;
1 Old ed. " EnUr Cleanthes and Hipolita with a hears:'
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 151
He comes all the way smiling, do you observ*t ?
I never saw a corse so joyfully foUow'd :
Light colours and light cheeks ! who should this be ?
'Tis a thing worth resolving.
Sim, One, belike,
That doth participate this ^ our present joy.
Evan, Cleanthes.
Clean, O my lord !
Evan, He laugh'd outright now ;
Was ever such a contrariety seen
In natural courses yet, nay, professed openly ? 160
First Court, I ha' known a widow laugh closely, my
lord.
Under her handkercher, when t'other part
Of her old face has wept like rain in sunshine ;
But all the face to laugh apparently.
Was never seen yet.
Sim, Yes, mine did once.
Clean, Tis, of a heavy time, the joyfuU'st day
That ever son was born to.
Evan, How can that be ?
Clean, I joy to make it plain, — my father's dead.
Evan, Dead !
Second Court, Old Leonides !
Clean, In his last month dead :
He beguil'd cruel law the sweetliest 170
That ever age was blest to.
It grieves me that a tear should fall upon't.
1 Olded. 'Mnthis."
152 The Old Law. [acth.
Being a thing so joyful, but his memory
Will work it out, I see : when his poor heart broke,
I did not [do] so much : but leap'd for joy
So mountingly, I touched the stars, methought ;
I would not hear of blacks,^ I was so light,
But chose a colour orient like my mind ;
For blacks are often such dissembling mourners,
There is no credit given to't ; it has lost iSo
All reputation by false sons and widows.
Now I would have men know what I resemble,
A truth, indeed \ 'tis joy clad like a joy.
Which is more honest than a cunning grief.
That's only fac'd with sables for a show,
But gawdy-hearted. When I saw death come
So ready to deceive you, sir, — forgive me,
I could not choose but be entirely merry.
And yet to see now ! — of a sudden.
Naming but death, I show myself a mortal, 190
That's never constant to one passion long.
I wonder whence that tear came, when I smil'd
In the production on't ! sorrow's a thief.
That can, when joy looks on, steal forth a grief.
But, gracious leave, my lord ; when I've performed
My last poor duty to my father's bones,
I shall return your servant
Evan, Well, perform it ;
The law is satisfied ; they can but die :
And by his death, Cleanthes, you gain well,
MourniDg garments.
SCENE X.] The Old Law. 153
A rich and fair revenue.
{Flourish, Exeunt Duke, Courtiers, &"€.
Sim, I would I had e'en 200
Another father, condition he did the like.
Clean. I have past it bravely now ; how blest was I
To have the duke^ in sight ! now 'tis confirmed,
Past fear or doubts confirmed : on, on, I say,
He that brought me to man, I bring to clay.
\Exit funeral procession^ followed by Clean-
THES and HlPt>OLITA.
Sim, I'm rapt now in a contemplation.
Even at the very sight of yonder hearse ;
I do but think what a fine thing 'tis now
To live, and follow some seven uncles thus.
As many cousin-germans, and such people, 210
That will leave legacies ; a pox ! I'd see 'em hang'd else.
Ere I'd follow one of them, and ^ they could find the way.
Now I've enough to begin to be horrible covetous.
Enter Butler, Tailor, Bailiff^^ Cook, Coachman, and
Footman.
But, We come to know your worship's pleasure, sir.
Having long serv'd your father, how your good will
Stands towards our entertainment.
Sim. Not a jot, i'faith ;
My father wore cheap garments, he might do't \
1 Mason's certain correction for "To have the dim sight." The MS.
probably had, as Gififord suggests, *• the d, in sighC^
2 If. « Olded. "Bayly."
154 The Old Law. [act n.
I shall have all my clothes come home to-morrow ;
They will eat up all you, and ^ there were more of you,
sirs.
To 4teep you six at livery, and still munching ! 220
Tail, Why, I'm a tailor ; you've most need of me, sir.
Sim. Thou mad'st my father's clothes, that I confess ;
But what son and heir will have his father's tailor.
Unless he have a mind to be well laugh'd at ?
Thou-st been so used to wide long-side things, that when
I come to truss, I shall have the waist of my doublet
Lie upon my buttocks, a sweet sight !
But I a butler.
Sim. There's least need of thee, fellow ; I shall ne'er
drink at home, I shall be so drunk abroad. 230
But But a cup of small beer will do well next morn-
ing, sir.
Sim. I grant you; but what need I keep so big a
knave for a cup of small beer ?
Cook. Butler, you have your answer. Marry, sir, a cook
I know your mastership cannot be without
Sim. The more ass art thou to think so; for what
should I do with a mountebank, no drink in my house ?
— the banishing the butler might have been a warning
for thee, unless thou meanest to choke me. 240
Cook. V the meantime you have chok'd me, methinks.
Bail. These are superfluous vanities, indeed,
And so accounted of in these days, sir;
But then, your bailiff to receive your rents
1 If.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 155
Sim, I prithee, hold thy tongue, fellow ; I shall take a
course to spend 'em faster than thou canst reckon 'em ;
'tis not the rents must serve my turn, unless I mean to
be laughed at ; if a man should be seen out of slash-me,
let him ne'er look to be a right gallant. But, sirrah, with
whom is your business ? 250
Coach, Your good mastership.
Sim. You have stood silent all this while, like
men
That know their strengths : i'these days, none of you
Can want employment ; you can win me wagers.
Footman, in running races.
Foot, I dare boast it, sir.
Sim, And when my bets are all come in, and store.
Then, coachman, you can hurry me to my whore.
Coach, I'll firk 'em into foam else.
Sim, Speaks brave matter :
And I'll firk some too, or't shall cost hot water.
[Exeunt Simonides, Coachman, and Footman.
Cook, Why, here's an age to make a cook a ruffian, 260
And scald the devil indeed ! do strange mad things,
Make mutton-pasties of dog's flesh,
Bake snakes for lamprey-pies, and cats for conies.
But. Come, will you be ruled by a butler's advice
once ? for we must make up our fortunes somewhere now,
as the case stands; let's e'en, therefore, go seek out
widows of nine-and-fifty, and ^ we can, that's within a
year of their deaths, and so we shall be sure to be quickly
1 If.
156 The Old Law. [act il
rid of 'em ; for a year's enough of conscience to be
troubled with a wife, for any man living. 270
Cook. Oracle butler ! oracle butler 1 he puts down all
the doctors a' the name.^ [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A Room in Creon's House,
Enter Eug£nia and PARtHENiA.
Eug, Parthenia.
Parth, Mother.
Eug, I shall be troubled
This six months with an old clog ; would the law
Had been cut one year shorter !
Parth, Did you call, forsooth ?
Eug, Yes, you must make some spoonmeat for your
father.
And warm three nightcaps for him. [Exit Parthenia.
Out upon't :
The mere conceit turns a young woman's stomach.
His slippers must be warm'd, in August too.
And his gown girt to him in the very dog-days,
When every mastiff lolls out's tongue for heat
1 The allusion is to Dr. William Butler, a famous Elizabethan
physician, who (in the words of Fullef) "quickened Galenical physic
with a touch of Paracelsus, trading in chymical recdts with gr^at success."
He was very slovenly in his dress and eccentric in his manners. He died
in 1618 at the age of eighty-two, and was buried in St. Maiy*s Church,
Cambridge.
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 157
Would not this vex a beauty of nineteen now ? iQ
Alas ! I should ^ be tumbling in cold baths now,
Under each armpit a fine bean-flower bag,
To screw out whiteness when I list —
And some seven of the properest men i'the dukedom
Making a banquet ready i'the next room for me \
Where he that gets the first kiss is envied,
And stands upon his guard a fortnight after.
This is a life for nineteen ! 'tis but justice :
For old men, whose great acts stand in their minds,
And nothing in their bodies, do ne'er think 20
A woman young enough for their desire ;
And we young wenches, that have mother-wits.
And love to marry muck first, and man after.
Do never think old men are old enough.
That we may soon be rid on 'em ; there's our quittance.
I've waited for the happy hour this two year.
And, if death be so unkind to let ^ him live still.
All that time I have ^ lost*
Enter Courtiers.
First Court Young lady !
Second Court, O sweet precious bud of beauty !
Troth, she smells over all the house, methinks. 30
First Court, The sweetbriar's but a counterfeit to
her
1 Old ed. "shall." « Old ed. •• stiU to let him live."
s Sp GilTord ; old ed. ** am."
158 The Old Law. [acth.
It does exceed you only in the prickle,
But that it shall not long, if you'll be rurd, lady.
Eug, What means this sudden visitation, gentlemen ?
So passing well perfum'd ^ too ! who's your milliner ?
First Court. Love, and thy beauty, widow.
Eug. Widow, sir !
First Court. Tis sure, and that's as good : in troth,
we're suitors ;
We come a wooing, wench ; plain dealing's best
Eug. A wooing ! what, before my husband's dead ?
Second Court. Let's lose no time \ six months will
have an end, you know ; 40
I knoVt by all the bonds that e'er I made yet.
Eug. That's a sure knowledge ; but it holds not here,
sir.
First Court. Do not we know the craft of you young ^
tumblers ?
That [when] you wed an old man, you think upon
Another husband as you are marrying of him ; —
We, knowing your thoughts, made bold to see you.
Enter Simonides richly drest, and Coachman.
Eug. How wondrous right he speaks ! 'twas my thought,
indeed.
Sim. By your leave, sweet widow, do you lack any
gallants ?
Eug. Widow, again ! 'tis a comfort to be call'd so.
1 So Gifford ; old ed. •• perform'd."
s Olded. *' yon knew .... yoMx young"
SCENE ii.j The Old Law, 1 59
First Court, Who's this ? Simonides ?
Second Court, Brave Sim, i'faith 1 50
Sim, Coachman !
Coach, Sir.
Sim, Have an especial care of my new mares.
They say, sweet widow, he that loves a horse well.
Must needs love a widow well — When dies thy husband ?
Is't not July next ?
^^S' 0> you're too hot, sir !
Pray cool yourself, and take September with you.
Sim, September ! O, I was but two bows wide.
First Court, Mr. Simonides.
Sim. I can entreat you, gallants, I'm in fashion too. 60
Enter Lysander.
Lys, Ha 1 whence this herd of folly ? what are you ?
Sim, Well-willers to your wife : pray, 'tend your book,
sir;
We've nothing to say to you, you may go die.
For here be those in place that can supply.
Lys, What's thy wild business here ?
Sim, Old man, I'll tell thee ;
I come to beg the reversion of thy wife :
I think these gallants be of my mind too. —
But thou art but a dead man, therefore what should a
man do talking with thee ? Come, widow, stand to your
tackling. 70
Lys, Impious blood-hounds !
Sim, X.et the ghost talk, ne'er mind him.
Lys, Shames of nature !
1 60 The Old Law. [act h.
Sim, Alas, poor ghost ! consider what the man is.
Lys, Monsters unnatural ! you that have been covetous
Of your own fathers' deaths, gape ye for mine now?
Cannot a poor old man, that now can reckon
E'en all the hours he has to live^ live quiet,
For such wild beasts as these, that neither hold
A certainty of good within themselves, 80
But scatter others' comforts that are ripen'd
For holy uses ? is hot youth so hasty,
It will not give an old man leave to die.
And leave a widow first, but will make one,
The husband looking on ? May your destructions
Come all in hasty figures to your souls \
Your wealth depart in haste, to overtake
Your honesties, that died when you were infants !
May your male seed be hasty spendthrifts tooy
Your daughters hasty sinners, and ddseas'd 90
Ere they be thought at years to welcome misery- \
And may you never know what leisure is,
But at repentance ! — I aiQ too uncharitable^
Too foul ; I must go cleanse: njyself with prayers.
These are the plagues of fondness, to old naen,
We're punish'd home with what w« dote upon. \Exit.
Sim, So, so !
The ghost is vanished : now, your^swer, lady.
Eiig. Excuse me, gentlemeo ; 'twere as much impur
dence
In me to give you a kind answer yet, 100
As madness to produce a churlish one.
I could say now, come a month hence, sweet gentlemen,
\
\
SCENE II.] The Old Law. i6i
Or two, or three, or when you will, indeed ;
But I say no such thing : I set no time,
Nor is it mannerly to deny any.
I'll carry an even hand to all the world :
Let other women make what haste they will.
What's that to me ? but I profess unfeignedly,
111 have my husband dead before I marry ;
Ne'er look for other answer at my hands, gentlemen, no
Sim, Would he were hanged, for my part, looks for
other !
Eug, Fm at a word.
Sim. And I am at a blow then ;
I'll lay you o' the lips, and leave you. \Kisses her.
First Court. Well struck, Sim.
Sim, He that dares say he'll mend it, I'll strike him.
First Court. He would betray himself to be a botcher,*
That goes about to mend it.
Eug. Gentlemen,
You know my mind ; I bar you not my house :
But if you choose out hours more seasonably,
You may have entertainment.
Rt-enter Parthenia.
Sim. What will she do hereafter, when she's a widow,
Keeps open house already ?
\Exeunt Simonides and Courtiers.
Eug. How now, girl ! 121
1 Olded. "brother."
VOL. II.
1 62 The Old Law, [act il
Parth, Those feather'd fools that hither took their flight
Have griev'd my father much.
Eug. Speak well of youth, wench,
While thou'st a day to live \ 'tis youth must make thee.
And when youth fails, wise women will make it ;
But always take age first, to make thee rich :
That was my counsel ever, and then youth
Will make thee sport enough all thy life after.
'Tis [the] time's policy, wench ; what is't to bide
A little hardness for a pair of years, or so ? 130
A man whose only strength lies in his breath,
Weakness in all parts else, thy bedfellow,
A cough o' the lungs, or say a wheezing ^ matter ;
Then shake off chains, and dance all thy life after ?
Partk Every one to their liking ; but I say
An honest man's worth all, be he young or gray.
Yonder's my cousin. [Exit
Enter Hippolita.
Eug. Art, I must use thee now ;
Dissembling is the best help for a virtue.
That ever women had ; it saves their credit oft.^
Hip, How now, cousin ! 140
What, weeping?
Eug, Can you blame me, when the time
Of my dear love and husband now draws on ?
1 Old ed. •' wheening."
voided. ••Often."
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 163
I study funeral tears against the day
I must be a sad widow.
Hip, In troth, Eugenia, I have cause to weep too ;
But, when I visit, I come comfortably,
And look to be so quited : — yet more sobbing ?
Eug, Oh 1 the greatest part of your affliction's past.
The worst of mine's to come j I have one to die ;
Your husband's father is dead, and fix'd in his 150
Eternal peace, past the sharp tyrannous blow.
Hip, You must use patience, coz.
Eug, Tell me of patience !
Hip, You have example for't, in me and many.
Eug, Yours was a father-in-law, but mine a husband :
O, for a woman that could love, and live
With an old man, mine is a jewel, cousin ;
So quietly he lies by one, so still !
Hip, Alas ! I have a secret lodg'd within me,
Which now will out in pity : — I can't hold \Aside,
Eug, One that will not disturb me in my sleep 160
For 1 a whole month together, 'less it be
With those diseases age is subject to.
As aches, coughs, and pains, and these, heaven knows,
Against his will too : — he's the quietest man,
Especially in bed.
Hip, Be comforted.
Eug, How can I, lady? None knows the terror of
An husband's loss, but they that fear to lose him.
Hip, Fain would I keep it in, but 'twill not be ;
1 Olded. "After.
}i
164 The Old Law. [acth.
She is my kinswoman, and I'm pitiful
I must impart a good, if I know't once, 170
To them that stand in need on't ; I'm like one
Loves not to banquet with a joy alone,
My friends must partake toa [Aside,] — Prithee, cease,
cousin ;
If your love be so boundless, which is rare,
In a young woman, in these days, I tell you.
To one so much past service as your husband.
There is a way to beguile law, and help you ;
My husband found it out first
Eug. O sweet cousin !
Iftp. You may conceal him, and give out his death
Within the time ; order bis funeral too ; 180
We had it so for ours, I praise heaven for^t,
And he's alive and safe.
£idg. O blessed coz,
How thou revivest me !
Ififi. We daily see
The good old man, and feed him twice a day.
Methinks, it is the sweetest joy to cherish him.
That ever life yet show'd me.
jEug, So should I think,
A dainty thing to nurse an old man well !
Hi^. And then we have his prayers and daily blessing;
And we two live so lovingly upon't.
His son and I, and so contentedly, 190
You cannot think unless you tasted on't.
Eug. No, I warrant you. O loving cousin.
What a great sorrow hast thou eas'd me of !
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 165
A thousand thanks go with thee 1
Hip, I have a suit to you,
I must not have you weep when I am gone. \Exit
Eug, No, if I do, ne'er trust me. Easy fool.
Thou hast put thyself into my power for ever ;
Take heed of angering of me. I conceal !
I feign a funeral ! I keep my husband !
'Las ! IVe been thinking any time these two years, 200
I have kept him too long already. —
I'll go count o'er my suitors, that's my business,
And prick the man down ; I ha' six months to do't,
But could despatch't^ in one, were I put to't. \Exit
1 Old ed. "dispatch him."
( i66 )
ACT III.
SCENE I.
Before the Church.
Enter Gnotho and Clerk.
Gnoth. You have searched o'er the parish-chronicle,
sir?
Clerk. Yes, sir; I have found out the true age and
date of the party you wot on.
Gnoth, Pray you, be covered, sir.
Clerk, When you have showed me the way, sir.
Gnoth, O sir, remember yourself, you are a clerk.
Clerk. A small clerk, sir.
Gnoth. Likely to be the wiser man, sir ; for your
greatest clerks are not always so, as 'tis reported. lo
Clerk. You are a great man in the parish, sir.
Gnoth. I understand myself so much the better, sir ;
for all the best in the parish pay duties to the clerk, and
I would owe you none, sir.
Clerk. Since you'll have it so, I'll be the first to hide
my head.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 167
Gnoth. Mine is a capcase : now to our business in^
hand. Good luck, I hope ; I long to be resolved.
Clerk, Look you, sir, this is that cannot deceive you :
This is the dial that goes ever true ; 20
You may say ipse dixit upon this witness,
And 'tis good in law too.
Gnoth, Pray you, let's hear what it speaks.
Clerk, Mark, sir. — Agatha^ the daughter of Pollux^
(this is your wife's name, and the name of her father,)
bom
Gnoih, Whose daughter, say you ?
Clerk, The daughter of Pollux.
Gnoth, I take it his name was Bollux.
Clerk, Pollux the orthography I assure you, sir ; the
word is corrupted else. 31
Gnoih, Well, on, sir, — of Pollux; now come on,
Castor.
Clerk, Bom in an, 1540, and now 'tft 99. By this
infallible record, sir, (let me see,) she is now just fifty-
nine, and wants but one.
Gnoth, I am sorry she wants so much.
Clerk, Why, sir ? alas, 'tis nothing ; 'tis but so many
months, so many weeks, so many
Gnoth, Do not deduct it to days, 'twill be the more
tedious ; and to measure it by hour-glasses were intoler-
able. 42
Clerk, Do not think on it, sir; half the time goes
away in sleep, 'tis half the year in nights.
1 Old ed. "in your hand."
1 68 The Old Law. '[acthi.
Gnoth, Oy you mistake me, neighbour, I am loath to
leave the good old woman; if she were gone now it
would not grieve me; for what is a year, alas, but a
lingering torment? and were it not better she were
out of her pain? 'T must needs be a grief to us
both. 50
Clerk, I would I knew how to ease you, neighbour !
Gnoth, You speak kindly, truly, and if you say but
Amen to it, (which is a word that I know you are perfect
in,) it might be done. Clerks are the most indifferent
honest men, — for to the marriage of your enemy, or the
burial of your friend, the curses or the blessings to you
are all one ; you say Amen to all.
Clerk, With a better will to the one than the other,
neighbour : but I shall be glad to say Amen to anything
might do you a pleasure. 60
Gnoth, There is, first, something above your duty
\gives him moftey\ : now I would have you set forward the
clock a little, to help the old woman out of her pain.
Clerk, I will speak to the sexton ; ^ but the day will
go ne'er the faster for that
Gnoth, O, neighbour, you do not conceit me ; not the
jack ^ of the clock-house ; the hand of the dial, I mean.
— Come, I know you, being a great clerk, cannot choose
but have the art to cast a figure.
Clerk, Never, indeed, neighbour: I never had the
judgment to cast a figure. 71
1 Old ed. "sexton for that.**
s The figure that struck the bell of the clock.
SCENE I.] The Old Law- 1 69
Gnoth, I'll show you on the back side of your book,
look you, — ^what figure's this ?
Clerk, Four with a cipher, that's forty.
Gnoth, So ! forty ; what's this now ?
Clerk. The cipher is turned into 9 by adding the tail,
which makes forty-nine.
Gnoth, Very well understood ; what is't now ?
Clerk. The 4 is turned into 3 ; 'tis now thirty-nine.
Gnoth, Very well understood ; and can you do this
again ? 81
Clerk, O, easily, sir.
Gnoth, A wager of that ! let me see the place of my
wife's age again.
Clerk, Look you, sir, 'tis here, 1540.
Gnoth, Forty drachmas, you do not turn that forty
into thirty-nine.
Clerk, A match with you.
Gnoth, Done! and you shall keep stakes yourself;
there they are. 90
Clerk A firm match — but stay, sir, now I consider it,
I shall add a year to your wife's age ; let me see — Sdro-
phorion the 17, — and now'tis -^<?^a/^/«^ji(j?« the 11.^ If
I alter this, your wife will have but a month to live by
the law.
1 Old ed. "Scirophon. . . . Hecatomcaon.** — "Scirophorion, Heca-
tombaion, and^ soon after, December ; what a medley 1 This miserable
ostentation of Greek literature is, I believe, from the pen of Middleton,
who was *a piece* of a scholar." — Gifford. Dyce remarks that the
Grecian months "were formerly not unfamiliar to the vulgar ; see for
instance the last page of Pond's Almanac, i6xq " (where lure also given
the Hebrew and EgypUan months).
1 70 The Old Law. [act hl
Gnotk, That's all one, sir ; either do it, or pay me my
wager.
CUrk, Will you lose your wife before you lose your
wager ?
Gnoth, A man may get two wives before half so much
money by 'em ; will you do't ? loi
Clerk, I hope you will conceal me, for 'tis flat corrup-
tion.
Gnoih, Nay, sir, I would have you keep counsel ; for
I lose my money by't, and should be laughed at for my
labour, if it should be known.
Clerk, Well, sir, there ! — 'tis done ; as perfect 39 as
can be found in black and white : but mum, sir, — there's
danger in this figure-casting.
Gnoth, Ay, sir, I know that: better men than you
have been thrown over the bar for as little ; the best is,
you can be but thrown out of the belfry. U2
Enter the Cook, Tailor, Bailiff, and Butler.
Clerk, Lock close, here comes company ; asses have
ears as well as pitchers.
Cook, O Gnotho,^ how is't ? here's a trick of discarded
cards of us I we were ranked with coats,^ as long as our
old master lived.
Gnoth, And is this then the end of serving-men ?^
Cook, Yes, 'faith, this is the end of serving-men : a
1 Old ed. "Gnothos." « Court cards.
' An allusion to the old ballad.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 171
irise man were better serve one God than all the men in
the world. 121
Gnoth. Twas well spoke* of a cook. And are all
fallen into fasting-days and Ember-weeks, that cooks are
out of use ?
Tail, And all tailors will be cut into lists and shreds ;
if this world hold, we shall grow both out of request.
But And why not butlers as well as tailors ? if they
can go naked, let 'em neither eat nor drink.
Ckrk. That's strange, methinks, a lord should turn
away his tailor, of all men : — ^and how dost thou, tailor ?
Tail, I do so, so ; but, indeed, all our wants are long
of this publican, my lord's bailiff; for had he been rent-
gatherer still, our places had held together still, that are
now seam-rent, nay, cracked in the whole piece. 134
Bail Sir, if my lord had not sold his lands that claim
his rents, I should still have been the rent-gatherer.
Cook, The truth is, except the coachman and the foot-
man, all serving-men are out of request.
Gnoth, Nay, say not so, for you were never in more
request than now, for requesting is but a kind of a begging ;
for when you say, I beseech your worship's charity, 'tis
all one [as] if you say, I request it ; and in that kind of
requesting, I am sure serving-men were never in more
request 144
Cook. Troth, he says true : well, let that pass, we are
upon a better adventure. I see, Gnotho,^ you have been
1 Olded. "spak."
« Olded. "Gnothos."
172 The Old Law. [actiu.
before us ; we came to deal with this merchant for some
commodities.
Clerk, With me, sir ? anything that I can.
Bnt, Nay, we have looked out our wives akeady:
marry, to you we come to know the prices, that is, to
know their ages \ for so much reverence we bear to age,
that the roor^ aged, they shall be the more dear to us.
Tail. The truth is, every man has laid by his widow ;
so they be lame enough, blind enough, and old [enough],
'tis good enough. 156
Clerk. I keep the town-stock ; if you can but name
'em, I can tell their ages to [a] day.
AIL We can tell their fortunes to an hour, then.
Clerk, Only you must pay for turning of the leaves.
Cook, O, bountifully. — Come, mine first
But, The butler before the cook^ while you live ; there's
few that eat before they drink in a morning.
Tail, Nay, then the tailor puts in his needle of priority,
for men do clothe themselves before they either drink
or eat 166
Bail I will strive for no place ; the longer ere I marry
my wife, the older she will be, and nearer her end and
my ends.
Clerk, I win serve you all, gentlemen, if you will have
patience. 171
Gnoth, I commend your modesty, sir ; you are a bailiff,
whose place is to come behind other men, as it were in
the bum of all the rest
Bail, So, sir ! and you were about this business too,
seeking out for a widow ?
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 173
Gnoth, Alack ! no> sir ; I am a married man, and have
those cares upon me that you would fain run into.
Bail. What, an old rich wife ! any man in this age
desires such a care.
Gnoth. Troth, sir, I'll put a venture with you, if you
will ; I have a lusty old quean to my wife, sound of wind
and limb, yet I'll give out to take three for one at the
marriage of my second wife. 184
Bail. Ay, sir, but how near is she to the law ?
Gnoth. T^yke that at hasard, sir ; there must be time,
you know, to get a new. Unsight, unseen, I take three
to one.
Bail, Two to one I'll give, if she have but two teeth
in her head.
Gnoth. A match ; there's five drachmas for ten at my
next wife. 192
Bail. A match.
Cook. I shall be fitted bravely ; fifty-eight and upwards;
'tis but a year and a half^ and I may chance make friends,
and beg a year of the duke.
But. Hey, boys ! I am made sir butler ; my wife that
shall be wants but two months of her time ; it shall be
one ere I marry her^ and then the next will be a honey-
moon. 200
Tail 1 outstrip you all ; I shall have but six weeks of
Lent, if I get my widow, and then comes eating-tide,
plump and gorgeous.
Gnoth. This tailor will be a man, if ever there were any.
Bail. Now comes my turn, I hope, goodman Finis,
you that are still at the end of all, with a so be it. Well
1 74 1^^^ Old Law. [act m.
now, sirs, do you venture there as I have done ; and TU
venture here after you. Good luck, I beseech thee !
Clerk, Amen, sir.
Bail. That deserves a fee ab-eady — there 'tis ; please
me, and have a better. 211
Clerk, Amen, sir.
Cook. How, two for one at your next wife ! is the old
one living ?
Gnoth. You have a fair match, I offer you no foul one ;
if death make not haste to call her, she'll make none to
go to him.
But I know her, she's a lusty woman ; I'll take the
venture.
Gnoth. There's five drachmas for ten at my next wife.
But A bargain. 221
Cook, Nay, then we'll be all merchants : give me.
Tail, And me.
But, What has the bailiff sped ?
Bail, I am content ; but none of you shall know my
happiness.
CUrk. As well as any of you all, believe it, sir.
Bail, O, clerk, you are to speak last always.
Clerk, I'll remember't hereafter, sir. You have done
with me, gentlemen ?
Enter Agatha.
All, For this time, honest register. 231
Clerk, Fare you well then ; if you do, I'll cry Amen
to't. {Exit.
Cook, I^ok you, sir, is not this your wife ?
i.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 175
Gnoth, My first wife, sir.
But Nay, then we have made a good match on't ; if
she have no froward disease, the woman may live this
dozen years by her age.
Tail, I'm afraid she's broken-winded, she holds silence
so long.
Cook. We'll now leave our venture to the event; I
must a wooing. 242
But I'll but buy me a new dagger, and overtake you.
Bail So we' must all ; for he that goes a wooing to a
widow without a weapon, will never get her.
\Exeunt all but Gnotho and Agatha.
Gnoth. O wife, wife !
Aga, What ail you, man, you speak so passionately ? ^
Gnoth, 'Tis for thy sake, sweet wife : who would think
so lusty an old woman, with reasonable good teeth, and
her tongue in as perfect use as ever it was, should be so
near her time? — but the Fates will have it so. 251
Aga. What's the matter, man ? you do amaze me.
Gnoth, Thou art not sick neither, I warrant thee.
Aga, Not that I know of, sure.
Gnoth, What pity 'tis a woman should be so near her
end, and yet not sick !
Aga, Near her end, man ! tush, I can guess at that ;
I have years good yet of life in the remainder :
I want two yet at least of the full number ;
Then the law, I know, craves impotent and useless, 260
And not the able women.
1 SorrowfuUy.
176 The Old Law. [Acrm.
Gnoth. Ay, alas ! I see thou hast been repairing time
as well as thou couldst ; the old wrinkles are well filled
up, but the vermilion is seen too thick, too thick — and I
read what's written in thy forehead ; it agrees with the
church-book.
Aga, Have you sought my age, man ? and, I prithee,
how is it?
Gnoih. I shall but discomfort thee.
Aga. Not at all, man ; when there's no remedy, I will
go, though unwillingly. 271
Gnoth, 1539. Just ; it agrees with the book : you have
about a year to prepare yourself.
Aga, Out, alas ! I hope there's more than so. But do
you not think a reprieve might be gotten for half a
score — and 'twere but five year, I would not care? an
able woman, methinks, were to be pitied. .
Gnoth, Ay, to be pitied, but not helped ; no hope of
that : for, indeed, women have so blemished their own
reputations now-a-days, that it is thought the law will
meet them at fifty very shortly. 281
Aga, Marry, the heavens forbid !
Gnoth, There's so many of you, that, when you are
old, become witches; some profess physic, and kill
good subjects faster than a burning fever; and then
school-mistresses of the sweet sin, which commonly we
call bawds, innumerable of that sort : for these and such
causes 'tis thought they shall not live above fifty.
Aga, Ay, man, but this hurts not the good old women.
Gnoth, I'faith, you are so like one another, that a man
cannot distinguish 'em : now, were I an old woman, I
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 177
would desire to go before my time, and offer myself
willingly, two or three years before. O, those are brare
women, and worthy to be commended of all men in the
world, that, when their husbands die, they run to be burnt
to death with 'em : there's honour and credit ! give me
half a dozen such wives. 297
Aga, Ay, if her husband were dead before, 'twere a
reasonable request \ if you were dead, I could be content
to be so.
Gnoth, Fie! that's not likely, for thou hadst two
husbands before me. 302
Aga. Thou wouldst not have me die, wouldst thou,
husband ?
Gnoth, No, I do not speak to that purpose ; but I say
what credit it were for me and thee, if thou wouldst ; then
thou shouldst never be suspected for a witch, a physician,
a bawd, or any of those things : and then how daintily
should I mourn for thee, how bravely ^ should I see thee
buried ! when, alas, if he goes before, it cannot choose
but be a great grief to him to think he has not seen his
wife well buried. There be such virtuous women in the
world, but too few, too few, who desire to die seven years
before their time, with all their hearts. 3H
Aga. I have not the heart to be of that mind; but,
indeed, husband, I think you would have me gone.
Gneth. No, alas ! I speak but for your good and your
credit ; for when a woman may die quickly, why should
she go to law for her death ? Alack, I need not wish thee
1 Finely.
VOL. II. M
178 The Old Law. [actih.
gone, for thou hast but a short time to stay with me : you
do not know how near 'tis, — it must out ; you have but
a month to live by the law. 322
Aga. Out, alas 1
Gnoth Nay, scarce so much.
Aga. O;- O, O, my heart ! \Swoons,
Gnoth, Ay, so I if thou wouldst go away quietly, 'twere
sweetly done, and like a kind wife ; lie but a little longer,
and the bell shall toll for thee.
Aga, O my heart, but a month to live !
Gnoth. Alas, why wouldst thou come back again for a
month ? — I'll throw her down again — O, woman, 'tis not
three weeks ; I think a fortnight is the most. 332
Aga, Nay, then I am gone already. \Swoons.
Gnoth, I would make haste to the sexton now, but
I'm afraid the tolling of the bell will wake her again. If
she be so wise as to go now — she stirs again ; there's two
lives of the nine gone.
Aga, O, wouldst thou not help to recover me, husband ?
Gnoth, Alas, I could not find in my heart to hold thee
by thy nose, or box thy cheeks; it goes against my
conscience. 341
Aga, I will not be thus frighted to my death ;
1*11 search the church-record : a fortnight ! 'tis
Too little of conscience, I cannot be so near ;
time, if thou be'st kind, lend me but a year ! \^Exii.
Gnoth, What a spite's this, that a man cannot per-
suade his wife to die in any time with her good will !
1 have another bespoke already ; though a piece of old
beef will serve to breakfast, yet a man would be glad of
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 1 79
a chicken to supper. The clerk, I hope, understands
no Hebrew, and cannot write backward what he hath
writ forward already, and then I am well enough. 352
'Tis but a month at most ; if that were gone,
My venture comes in with her two for one :
'Tis use enough a' conscience for a broker ^ — if he had a
conscience. \ExiL
SCENE II.
A Room in Creon's House,
Enter Eugenia at one door^ Simonides and Courtiers at
the other.
Eug, Gentlemen courtiers.
First Court. All your servants vow'd, lady.
Eug. O, I shall kill myself with infinite laughter !
Will nobody take my part ?
Sim, An't be a laughing business,
Put it to me, I'm one of the best in Europe ;
My father died last too, I have the most cause.
Eug. You ha' picked out such a time, sweet gentle-
men.
To make your spleen a banquet.
Sim. O the jest !
Lady, I have a jaw stands ready for't, 10
I'll gape half way, and meet it.
Eug, My old husband,
That cannot say his prayers out for jealousy,
And madness at your coming first to woo me
1 Olded. "brother."
1 80 The Old Law. [act m.
Sim, Well said.
First Court, Go on.
Second Court, On, on.
Eug, Takes counsel with
The secrets of all art, to make himself
Youthful again.
Sim, How ? youthful ! ha, ha, ha !
Eug, A man of forty-five he would fain seem to be.
Or scarce so much, if he might have his will, indeed.
Sim, Ay, but his white hairs, they'll betray his hoari-
ness.
Eug, Why, there you are wide : he's not the man you
take him for, 20
Nor 1 will you know him when you see him again ;
There will be five to one laid upon that
First Court, How !
Eug, Nay, you did well to laugh faintly there ;
I promise you, I think he'll outlive me now,
And deceive law and all.
Sim, Marry, gout forbid !
Eug, You little think he was at fencing-school
At four o'clock this morning.
Sim. How, at fencing-school !
Eug, Else give no trust to woman.
Sim, By this light,
I do not like him, then ; he's like to live 30
Longer than I, for he may kill me first, now.
Eug, His dancer now came in as I met you.
iQlded. "Nay."
scBNE II.] The Old Law. 1 8 1
First Court, His dancer, too !
Eug, They observe turns and hours with him ;
The great French rider will be here at ten,
With his curvetting horse.
Second Court, These notwithstanding,
His hair and wrinkles will betray his age.
Et^, I'm sure his head and beard, as he has ordered
it,
Look not past fifty now : he'll bring^t to forty
Within these four days, for nine times an hour at least ^
He takes a black-lead comb, and kembs it over : 40
Three quarters of his beard is under fifty ;
There's but a little tuft of fourscore left.
All of one side, which will be black by Monday.
Enter Lysander.
And, to approve my truth, see where he comes !
Laugh softly, gentlemen, and look upon him.
\They go aside,
Sim, Now, by this hand, he's almost black i'the
mouth, indeed.
First Court, He should die shortly, then.
Sim, Marry, methinks he dies too fast already.
For he was all white but a week ago.
First Court. O, this same coney-white takes an ex-
cellent black, 50
Too soon, a mischief on't !
1 Gilford and Dyce omit the words "at least," for the sake of the
metre.
i82 The Old Law. [acthi.
Second Court He wDl beguile ^
Us all, if that little tuft northward turn black too.
Eug. Nay, sir, I wonder 'tis so long a turning.
Sim. May be some fairy's child, held forth at mid-
night,
Has piss'd upon that side.
First Court Is this the beard ?
Lys. Ah, sirrah ? my young boys, I shall be for you :
This little mangy tuft takes up more time
Than all the beard beside. Come you a wooing.
And I alive and lusty ? you shall find
An alteration, jack-boys ; I have a spirit yet, ^
(And I could match my hair to't, there's the fault,)
And can do offices of youth yet lightly ;
At least, I will do, though it pain me a little.
Shall not a man, for a little foolish age.
Enjoy his wife to himself? must young court tits
Play tomboys' tricks with her, and he live ? ha !
I have blood that will not bear't ; yet, I confess,
I should be at my prayers — but where's the dancer,
there!
Enter Dancing-Master.
Mast Here, sir.
Lys, Come, come, come, one trick a day.
And I shall soon recover all again. 7^
Eug, 'Slight, and you laugh too loud, we are all dis-
cover'd, gentlemen.
1 Olded. ••beguild."
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 183
Sim, And I have a scurvy grinning^ laugh a' mine
own,
Will spoil all, I am afraid.
Eug, Marry, take heed, sir.
Sim, Nay, and I should be hang'd, I cannot leave it ;
Pup ! — there 'tis. \Bursts into a laugh,
Eug, Peace ! O, peace I
Lys, Come, I am ready, sir.
I hear the church-book's lost where I was born too.
And that shall set me back one ^ twenty years ;
There is no little comfort left in that :
And — [then] my three court-codlings, that look parboil'd,
As if they came from Cupid's scalding-house 80
Sim, He means me specially, I hold my life.
Mast What trick will your old worship learn this
morning, sir? *
Lys, Marry, a trick, if thou couldst teach a man.
To keep his wife to himself; I'd fain learn that.
Mast That's a hard trick, for an old man specially ;
The horse-trick comes the nearest.
Lys, Thou sayst true, i'faith.
They must be hors'd indeed, else there's no keeping on
'em.
And horse-play at fourscore is not so ready.
Mast, Look you, here's your worship's horse-trick,^
sir. \Gives a spring.
1 So Dyce and Gifford for the old ed.'s " ginny."
2 Olded. "one and."
' "Some rough curvetting is here meant, but I know not the precise
motion. The word occurs in a Woman killed with Kindness, ' I'hough
184 The Old Law. [actui.
Lys, Nay, say not so, 9°
Tis none of mine ; I fall down horse and man,
If I but offer at it.
Mast, My life for yours, sir.
Lys, Sayst thou me so ? \Springs aloft.
Mast Well oflfer*d, by my viol, sir.
Lys, A pox of this horse-trick ! 't has play'd the jade
with me.
And given me a wrench i'the back.
Mast, Now here's your intum, and your trick above
ground.
Lys, Prithee, no more, unless thou hast a mind
To lay me under ground ; one of these tricks
Is enough in a morning.
Mast. For your galliard, sir.
You are complete enough, ay, and may challenge 100
The proudest coxcomb of 'em all, I'll stand to't.
Lys, Faith, and I've other weapons for the rest too :
I have prepared for 'em, if e'er I take
My Gregories here again.
Sim, O, I shall burst.
I can hold out no longer.
Eug, He spoils all. [They come forward.
Lys, The devil and his grinners ! are you come ?
Bring forth the weapons, we shall find you play !
All feats of youth too, jack-boys, feats of youth,
And these the weapons, drinking, fencing, dancing :
we be but country fellows, it may be. in the vray of dancing, we can do
the harse-indk. as well as the serving-men.' — ^A. i." — Gijbrd,
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 185
Your own road-ways, you gylster-pipes ! I'm old, you
say; iio
Yes, parlous old, kids, and you mark me well !
This beard cannot get children, you lank suck-eggs,
Unless such weasels come from court to help us.
We will get our own brats, you lecherous dog-bolts.
Enter a Servant with foils and glasses.
Well said, down with 'em : now we shall see your spirits.
What ! dwindle you already ?
Second Court, I have no quality.
Sim, Nor I, unless drinking may be reckoned for one.
First Court, Why, Sim, it shall.
Lys, Come, dare you choose your weapon now ?
First Court, I? dancing, sir, and you will be so
hasty. 120
Lys, We're for you, sir.
Second Court. Fencing, I.
Lys, We'll answer you too.
Sim, I am for drinking ; your wet weapon there.
Lys, That wet one has cost many a princox ^ life ;
And I will send it through you with a powder !
Sim, Let [it] come, with a pox ! I care not, so't be
drink.
I hope my guts will hold, and that's e'en all
A gentleman can look for of such trillibubs.^
1 Coxcomb.
3 " This seems to be a cant word for anjrthing of a trifling nature."
—Gifford.
1 86 The Old Law. [actih.
Lys, Play the first weapon ; come, strike, strike, I
say. 130
Yes, yes, you shall be first ; I'll observe court rules :
Always the worst goes foremost, so 'twill prove, I hope.
[First Courtier dances a galliard}
So, sir ! you've spit your poison ; now come I.
Now, forty years go * backward and assist me,
Fall from me half my age,, but for three minutes,
That I may feel no crick ! I will put fair for't.
Although I hazard twenty sciaticas. [Dances.
So, I have hit you.
First Court You've done well, i'faith, sir.
Lys, If you confess it well, 'tis excellent.
And I have hit you soundly ; I am warm now : 140
The second weapon instantly.
Second Court, What, so quick, sir?
Will you not allow yourself a breathing-time ?
Lys. I've breath enough at all times, Lucifer's muskcod,
To give your perfumed worship three vennies : ^
1 In the old ed the stage-direction is " A Gailliard Laminiard." The
word " LAminiard *' probably represents the name of the tune, perhaps
a corruption of " La Mignarde." The galliard is thus describ^ in Sir
John Da vies' Poem on Dancing : —
" But for more diverse and more pleasing show
A swift and wand'ring dance he did invent*.
With passages uncertain to and fro
Yet with a certain answer and consent
To the quick movement of the instrument.
Five was the number of the music's feet,
Which still the dance did with five paces meet :
With lofty turns and capriols in the air,
Which with the lusty times aocordeth fair.**
3 Old ed. '*ago." ' Assaults in fencing.
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 187
A sound old man puts his thrust better home
Than a spicM young man : there I. \They fence.
Second Court Then have at you, fourscore.
Lys, You lie, twenty, I hope, and you shall find it.
Sim. I'm glad I miss'd this weapon, I['d] had an
eye
Popt out ere this time, or my two butter-teeth 150
Thrust down my throat instead of a flap-dragon.^
Lys. There's two, pentweezle. \Hit5 him.
McLst Excellently touch'd, sir.
Second Court. Had ever man such luck ! speak your
opinion, gentlemen.
Sim. Methinks, your luck's good, that your eyes are
in still ;
Mine would have dropt out, like a pig's half-roasted.
Lys. There wants a third — and there it is again !
\Hits him again.
Second Court, The devil has steel'd him.
Eug, What a strong fiend is jealousy !
Lys, You're despatch'd, bear-whelp.
Sim. Now comes my weapon in.
Lys. Here, toadstool, here. 160
'Tis you 2 and I must play these three wet venules.
Sim. Venules in Venice glasses ! let 'em come.
They'll bruise no flesh, I'm sure, nor break no bones.
Second Court. Yet you may drink your eyes out, sir.
Sim. Ay, but that's nothing ;
1 Gallants in former days used to show their devotion to their
mistresses by swallowing candles' ends soaked in lighted brandy.
» Olded. "with you. '
1 88 The Old Law. [act hl
Then they go voluntarily : I do not
Love to have 'em thrust out, whether they will or no.
Lys, Here's your first weapon, duckVmeat.
Sim. How ! a Dutch what-you-call-'em.
Stead of a German faulchion ! a shrewd weapon, 170
And, of all things, hard to be taken down :
Yet down it must, I have a nose goes into't ;
I shall drink double, I think.
First Court. The sooner off, Sim.
Lys. I'll pay you speedily,^ ' with a trick
I learnt once amongst drunkards ; here's half-pike.^
\Drinks.
Sim. Half-pike comes well after Dutch what-you-call-
'em.
They'd never be asunder by their good will.*
First Court. WeU pull'd of an old fellow !
Lys. O, but your fellows
Pull better at a rope.
First Court. There's a hair, Sim,
In that glass. 180
Sim. An't be as long as a halter, down it goes ;
No hair shall cross me. \prinks.
^ It was left to the actor to fill up the blank with some opprobrious
temi.
* " A particular exercise with the pike.
*Jer. WeU, 111 try one course with thee at the half-fike.
And then go,— come, draw thy pike.'
Tragedy of Hoffman, 1631."— Nares' Glossary,* ed. Halliwell.
• " This stuff is not worth explaining ; but the reader, if he has any
curiosity on the subject, may amply gratify it by a visit to Pantagrael
and his companions on the Isle Ennasin, Below, there is a miserable
pun upon hair— the crossing of an hare was ominous." — Gifford.
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 189
Lys, I ['11] make you stink worse than your pole-cats
do:
Here's long-sword, your last weapon.
\Offers him the glass,
Sim, No more weapons.
First Court, Why, how now, Sim ? bear up, thou
sham'st us all, else.
Sim, ['SJlight, I shall shame you worse, and I stay
longer.
I ha' got the scotomy ^ in my head already.
The whimsey : you all turn round — do not you dance,
gallants ?
Second Court, Pish ! what's all this ? why, Sim, look,
the last venny.
Sim, No more vennies goes down here, for these two
Are coming up again. 191
Second Court, Out ! the disgrace of drinkers !
Sim, Yes, 'twill out ;
Do you smell nothing yet ?
First Court, Smell !
Sim, Farewell quickly, then ;
It will do, if I stay. {Exit,
First Court, A foil go with thee !
Zys, What, shall we put down youth at her own
virtues ?
Beat folly in her own ground ? wondrous much !
Why may not we be held as full sufficient
To love our own wives then, get our own children, 200
^ Dizziness.
1 90 The Old Law. [act m
And live in free peace till we be dissolved,
For such spring butterflies that are gaudy-wing'd,
But no more substance than those shamble-flies
Which butchers' boys snap between sleep and waking ?
Come but to crush you once, you are ^ but maggots,
For all your beamy outsides !
Enter Cleanthes.
Eug, Here's Cleanthes ;
He comes to chide ; — let him alone a little,
Our cause will be reveng'd ; look, look, his face
Is set for stormy weather ; do but mark
How the clouds gather in't, 'twill pour down straight. 210
Clean, Methinks, I partly know you, that's my grie£
Could you not all be lost ? that had been handsome ;
But to be known at all, 'tis more than shameful.
Why, was not your name wont to be Lysander ?
Lys, 'Tis so still, coz.
Chan, Judgment, defer thy coming! else this man's
miserable.
Eug, I told you there would be a shower anon.
Second Court, We'll in, and hide our noddles,
\Exeunt Eugenia and Courtiers.
Clean. What devil brought this colour to your mind,
Which, since your childhood, I ne'er saw you wear ? 220
[Sure] you were ever of an innocent gloss
Since I was ripe for knowledge, and would you lose it,
And change the livery of saints and angels
1 Old ed. "are all" (The compositor's eye caught the word "all'*
fxom the following line.)
SCENE II.] The Old Law, 191
For this mixt monstrousness ; to force a ground
That has been so long hallow'd like a temple,
To bring forth fruits of earth now ; and turn back ^
To the wild cries of lust, and the complexion
Of sin in act, lost and long since repented !
Would you begin a work ne'er yet attempted,
To pull time backward ? 230
See what your wife will do ! are your wits perfect ?
Lys, My wits !
Clean, I like it ten times worse ; for't had been safer
Now to be mad,^ and more excusable :
I hear you dance again, and do strange follies.
Lys, I must confess I have been put to some, coz.
Ckan, And yet you are not mad ! pray, say not so ;
Give me that comfort of you, that you are mad,
That I may think you are at worst ; for if
You are not mad, I then must guess you have 240
The first of some disease was never heard of,
Which may be worse than madness, and more fearful :
You'd weep to see yourself else, and your care
To pray would quickly turn you white again.
I had a father, had he liv'd his month out.
But to ha' seen this most prodigious folly,
There needed not the law to have him cut off ;
The sight of this had prov'd his executioner.
And broke his heart : he would have held it equal
Done to a sanctuary, — for what is age 250
1 Olded, "black."
* " Minus at insania turpis. There are many traits of Massinger ia
this part of the scene. "~C/f^bn/.
192 The Old Law. [act m.
But the holy place of life, chapel of ease
For all men's wearied miseries ? and to rob
That of her ornament, it is accurst
As from a priest to steal a holy vestment,
Ay, and convert it to a simple covering.
{Exit Lysander.
I see't has done him good ; blessing go with it,
Such as may make him pure again.
Re-enter Eugenia.
Eug, 'Twas bravely touched, i'faith, sir.
Clean, O, you're welcome.
Eug, Exceedingly well handled.
Clean, 'Tis to you I come ; he fell but i' my way. 260
Eug, You mark'd his beard, cousin ?
Clean, Mark me.
Eug, Did you ever see a hair so changed ?
Clean, I must be forc'd to wake her loudly too.
The devil has rock'd her so fiast asleep. —
Strumpet !
Eug, Do you call, sir ?
Clean, Whore !
Eug, How do you, sir ?
Clean, Be I ne'er so well,
I must be sick of thee ; thou'rt a disease
That stick'st to th'heart, — as all such women are.
Eug, What ails our kindred ?
Clean, Bless me, she sleeps still !
What a dead modesty is i' this woman, 270
Will never blush again I Ix>ok on thy work
SCENE iL] ' The Old Law. 1 93
But with a Christian eye, 'twould turn thy heart
Into a shower of blood, to be the cause
Of that old man's destruction ; think upon't,
Ruin eternally ; for, through thy loose follies^
Heaven has found him a faint servant lately !
His goodness has gone backward, and engendered
With his old sins again ; has ^ lost his prayers.
And all the tears that were companions with 'em :
And like a blindfold man, (giddy and bhnded,) 280
Thinking he goes right on still, swerves but one foot,
And turns to the same place where he set out ;
So he, that took his farewell of the world.
And cast the joys behind hina, out of sight,
Summ'd up his hours, made even with time and men,
Is now in heart arrived at youth again.
All by thy wildness : thy too hasty lust
Has driven him to this strong apostacy.
Immodesty like thine was never equalM :
I've heard of women, (shall I call 'em so ?) 290
Have welcom'd suitors ere the corpse were cold ;
But thou, thy husband living : — thou'rt too bold. .
Eug, Well, have you done now, sir ?
Clean. Look, look ! she smiles yet
£ug. All this is nothing to a mind resolv'd ;
Ask any woman that, she'll tell you so much :
You have only shown a pretty saucy wit,
Which I shall not forget, nor to requite it.
You shall hear from me shortly.
^ i,e, he has.
VOL, II.
1 94 The Old Law. [act hl
Clean, Shameless woman !
I take my counsel from thee, 'tis too honest,
And leave thee wholly to thy stronger master : 300
Bless the sex of thee from thee ! that's my prayer.
Were all like thee, so impudently common,
No man would be found to wed a woman.
\Exit
Eug. I'll fit you gloriously.
He that attempts to take away my pleasure,
I'll take away his joy ; and I can sure.
His conceal'd father pays for't : I'll e*en tell
Him that I mean to make my husband next,
And he shall tell the duke — mass, here he comes.
Re-enter Simonides.
Sim. Has had a bout with me too.
Eug, What! no? since, sir? 310
Sim, A flirt, a little flirt ; he call'd me strange names,
But I ne'er minded him.
Eug, You shall quit him, sir,
When he as little minds you.
Sim. 1 like that well.
I love to be reveng'd when no one thinks of me ;
There's little danger that way.
Eug. This is it then ;
He you shall strike, your stroke shall be profound,
And yet your foe not guess who gave the wound.
Sim. A' my troth, I love to give such wounds.
lExeuni.
( 195 )
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
Before a Tavern,
Enter Gnotho, Butler, Bailiff, Tailor, Cook, Drawer,
and Courtezan.
Draw. Welcome, gentlemen ; will you not draw near ?
will you drink at door, gentlemen ?
But, O, the summer air's best.
Draw, What wine willpt] please you drink, gentle-
men?
But, De Clare, sirrah. \Exit Drawer.
Gnoth, What, you're all sped already, bullies ? ^
Cook, My widow's a' the spit, and half ready, lad ; a
turn or two more, and I have done with her.
Gnoth, Then, cook, I hope you have basted her before
this time. ti
Cook, And stuck her with rosemary too, to sweeten
her ; she was tainted ere she came to my hands. What
an old piece of flesh of fifty-nine, eleven months, and
upwards ! she must needs be fly-blown.
^ Companions.
1 96 The Old Law. [act iv.
GnotK Put her off, put her off, though you lose by
her ; the weather's hot.
Cook. Why, drawer !
Re-enter Drawer.
Draw. By and by : — here, gentlemen, here's the
quintessence of Greece; the sages never drunk better
grape. 21
Cook. Sir, the mad Greeks of this age can taste their
Palermo as well as the sage Greeks did before 'em. — Fill,
lick-spiggot.
Draw. Ad itnutn^ sir.
Gnoth. My friends, I must doubly invite you all, the
fifth of the next month, to the funeral of my first wife,
and to the marriage of my second, my two to one ; this
is she.
Cook. I hope some of us will be ready for the funeral
of our wives by that time, to go with thee : but shall they
be both of a day ? . 32
Gnoth. O, best of all, sir ; where sorrow and joy meet
together, one will help away with another the better.
Besides, there will be charges saved too; the same
rosemary ^ that serves for the funeral will serve for the
wedding.
But. How long do you make account to be a widower,
sir?
Gnoth. Some half an hour; long enough a' conscience.
^ Rosemary, as being S3rmbo]ical of remembrance, was commonly
used at weddings and funerals.
SCENE!.] The Old Law. 197
Come, come, let's have some agility ; is there no music
in the house ? 42
Draw, Yes, sir, here are sweet wire-drawers in the
house.
Cook, O, that makes them and you seldom part ; you
are wine-drawers, and they wire-drawers.
Tail, And both govern by the pegs too.
Gnoth, And you have pipes in your consort ^ too.
Draw, And sackbuts too, sir.
But, But the heads of your instruments differ ; yours
are hogs-heads, their[s] cittern and gittemheads. 51
Bail, All wooden heads ; there they meet again.
Cook, Bid 'em strike up, we'll have a dance, Gnotho ; ^
come, thou shalt foot * it too. \Exit JDrawer.
Gnoth, No dancing with me, we have Siren here.
Cook, Siren 1 'twas Hiren,"* the fair Greek, man.
Gnoth, Five drachmas of that I say Siren, the fair
Greek, and so are all fair Greeks.
Cook, A match ! five drachmas her name was Hiren.
Gnoth, Siren's name was Siren, for five drachmas. 60
Cook, Tis done.
Tail, Take heed what you do, Gnotho,^
Gnoth, Do not I know our own countrywomen. Siren
1 Band of musicians.
» Olded. ••Gnothoes."
» Olded. "foole."
** Peele wrote a play (that has not come down) entitled The Turkish
Mahomet and Hiren the Fair Greek, Probably in this play occurred
the words ''Have we not Hiren here?" quoted by Pistol in 2 Henry
IV,
« Olded. "Gnothoes."
198 The Old Law. [act iv.
and Nell of Greece, two of the fairest Greeks that ever
were?
Cook. That Nell was Helen of Greece too.
Gnoth, As long as she tarried with her husband, she
was Ellen ; but after she came to Troy, she was Nell of
Troy, or Bonny Nell, whether you will or no.
Tail. Why, did she grow shor[t]er when she came to
Troy? 71
Gnoth. She grew longer,^ ifyou mark the story. When
she grew to be an ell, she was deeper than any yard of
Troy could reach by a quarter ; there was Cressid was
Troy weight, and Nell was avoirdupois ; ^ she held more,
by four ounces, than Cressida.
Bail, They say she caused many wounds to be given
in Troy.
Gnoth, True, she was wounded there herself, and cured
again by plaster of Paris ; and ever since that has been
used to stop holes with. gi
Re-enter Drawer.
Draw. Gentlemen, if you be disposed to be merry,
the music is ready to strike up ; and here's a consort * of
mad Greeks, I know not whether they be men or women,
or between both ; they have, what-you-call-'em, wizards *
on their faces.
1 " This miserable trash, which is quite silly enough to be original,
has yet the merit of being copied from Shakespeare.*' — Giffbrd,
* Olded. "haberdepoyse."
s Band.
* Olded. "vixards."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 199
Cook, Vizards, good man lick-spiggot.
But. If they be wise women, they may be wizards too.
Draw, They desire to enter amongst any merry com-
pany of gentlemen good-fellows, for a strain or two. 90
Enter old Women and Agatha in masks.
Cook, Well strain ourselves with 'em, say; let 'em
come, Gnotho ; ^ now for the honour of Epire !
Gnoth, No 2 dancing with me, we have Siren here.
\A dance by the old Women and Agatha; they
offer to take the men^ all agree except Gnotho,
who sits whispering with the Courtezan.^
Cook, Ay ! so kind ! then every one his wench to his
several room ; Gnotho,* we are all provided now, as you
are.
\Exeunt all but Gnotho, Courtezan, and Agatha.
Gnoth, I shall have two, it seems : away ! I have Siren
here already.
Aga, What, a mermaid ? ^ [Takes off her mask,
Gnoth. No, but a maid, horse-face : O old woman !
is it you ? . loi
Aga. Yes, 'tis I ; all the rest have gulled themselves,
and taken their own wives, and shall know that they have
done more than they can well answer ; but I pray you,
husband, what are you doing ?
Gnoth, Faith, thus should I do, if thou wert dead, old
1 Old ed." Gnothoes." « Old ed. ** she."
' The stage-direction in the old ed. is — " The Dance of old toomen
maskt, then offer to take the men^ they agree all but Gnothoes : he sits with
his Wench after they whisper,"
* Old ed. •• Gnothoes." » Cant tenn for "whore."
2CX) The Old Law. [act iv.
Ag ; and thou hast not long to live, I'm sure : we have
Siren here.
Aga, Art thou so shameless, whilst I am living, to
keep one under my nose? no
Gnoth, No, Ag, I do prize her far above thy nose ; if
thou wouldst lay me both thine eyes in my hand to boot,
I'll not leave her : art not ashamed to be seen in a tavern,
and hast scarce a fortnight to live ? Q old woman, what
art thou ? must thou find no time to think of thy end ?
Aga. O unkind villain !
Gnoth. And then, sweetheart, thou shalt have two new
gowns j and the best of this old ^ woman's shall make
thee raiments for the working days.
Aga. O rascal ! dost thou quarter my clothes already
too ? 121
Gnoth. Her ruffs will serve thee for nothing but to
wash dishes; for thou shalt have thine ^ of the new
fashion.
Aga. Impudent villain ! shameless harlot !
Gnoth. You may hear, she never wore any but rails ^
all her lifetime.
Aga. Let me come, I'll tear the strumpet from him.
Gnoth. Barest thou call my wife strumpet, thou pretcr-
pluperfect tense of a woman ! I'll make thee do penance
in the sheet thou shalt be buried in ; abuse my choice,
my two to one ! 132
Aga. No, unkind villain ! I'll deceive thee yet ;
1 Old ed. •• old old." » Old od. " nine.*'
3 " A rayle or kercher, mamillare.*'— WUhaVsJ^icHmutry^ ed. z6o8.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 201
I have a reprieve for five years of life ;
I am with child.
Court, Cud so, Gnotho,^ 1*11 not tarry so long: five
years ! I naay bury two husbands by that time.
Gnoth, Alas ! give the poor woman leave to talk : she
with child ! ay, with a puppy : as long as I have thee
by me, she shall not be with child, I warrant thee. 140
Aga. The law, and thou, and all, shall find I am with
child.
Gnoth. I'll take my corporal oath I begat it not, and
then thou diest for adultery.
Aga. No matter, that will ask some time in the proof.
Gnoth, O, you'd be stoned to death, would you ? all
old women would die a' that fashion with all their
hearts; but the law shall overthrow you the tother
way, first
Court. Indeed, if it be so, I will not linger so long,
Gnotho.' 151
Gnoth. Away, away ! some botcher has got it ; 'tis but
a cushion, I warrant thee : the old woman is loath to
depart;^ she never sung other tune in her life.
Court. We will not have our noses bored with a
cushion, if it be so.
Gnoth, Go, go thy ways, thou old almanac at the
twenty-eighth day of December, e'en almost out of date !
Down on thy knees, and make thee ready ; sell some of
1 Old ed. •• Gnothoes.'* « Old ed. " Gnothoes."
3 '* There was anciently both a tune and a dance of this name ; to
the former of which Gnotho 9j\\i6ss,"-~Giff<frd,
202 The Old Law, [act iv.
thy clothes to buy thee a death's head, and put upon thy
middle finger : your least considering bawd ^ doe[s] so
much ; be not thou worse, though thou art an old
woman, as she is: I am cloyed with old stock-fish;
here's a young perch is sweeter meat by half : prithee,
die before thy day, if thou canst, that thou mayst not be
counted a witch. i66
Aga, No, thou art a witch, and I'll prove it : I said I
was with child, thou knewest no other but by sorcery :
thou said'st it was a cushion, and so it is; thou art a
witch for't, I'll be sworn to't.
Gnoth, Ha, ha, ha ! I told thee 'twas a cushion. Go,
get thy sheet ready ; we'll see thee buried as we go to
church to be married. 173
\Exeunt Gnotho and Courtezan.
Aga, Nay, I'll follow thee, and show myself a wife.
I'll plague thee as long as I live with thee; and I'll
bury some money before I die,^ that my ghost may
haunt thee afterward. \Exit
1 It appears to have been a common practice for bawds to wear rings
with death's heads on them: Cf. Marston's Dutch Courtezan :^" As
for their death how can it be bad, since their wickedness is always before
their eyes and a death's head most commonly on their middle finger."
' It was a common superstition that ghosts haunted the spot wherein
their lifetime they had concealed treasure.
scBNE II.] The Old Law. 203
SCENE II.
The Country, A Forest
Enter Cleanthes.
Clean. What's that? O, nothing but the whispering
wind
Breathes through yon churlish hawthorn, that grew rude,
As if it chid the gentle breath that kiss'd it.
I cannot be too circumspect, too careful ;
For in these woods lies hid all my life's treasure,
Which is too much [n]ever to fear to loose.
Though ^ it be never lost : and if our watchfulness
Ought to be wise- and serious 'gainst^ a thief
That comes to steal our goods, things all without us,
That proves vexation often more than comfort ; 10
How mighty ought our providence to be.
To prevent those, if any such there were,
That come to rob our bosom of our joys,
That only makes poor man delight to live !
Pshaw ! I'm too fearful — fie, fie ! who can hurt me ?
But 'tis a general cowardice, that shakes
The nerves of confidence : he that hides treasure,
Imagines every one thinks of that place,
When 'tis a thing least minded ; nay, let him change
The place continually ; where'er it keeps, 20
1 In the old ed. the prefix " Hip,'* is given to this line.
> Olded. "against."
204 The Old Law. [act iv.
There will the fear keep still : yonder*s the store-house
Of all my comfort now — and see ! it sends forth
Enter Hippolit a from the wood.
A dear one to me : — Precious chief of women,
How does the good old soul ? has he fed well ?
Hip* Beshrew me, sir, he made the heartiest meal to-
day —
Much good may't do his health.
Clean. A blessing on thee,
Both for thy news and wish !
Hip. His stomach, sir,
Is bettered wondrously since his conceahnent
Clean. Heaven has a blessed work in't. Come, we're
safe here ;
I prithee, call him forth ; the air's much wholesomen 30
Hip. Father!
Enter Leonides.
Leon."^ How sweetly sounds the voice of a good
woman !
It is so seldom heard, that, when it speaks.
It ravishes all senses. Lists ^ of honour !
IVe a joy weeps ' to see you, 'tis so full,
So fairly fruitful.
1 In the old ed. the prefix is " Hip."
3 The old ed. gives the words " Lists of honour .... So fairly
fruitful " to Cleanthes.
3 In the Changeling we have the same idea beautifully expressed i—
'* Our sweet'st delights
Are evermore bom weeping."
SGBNE II.] The Old Law. 205
Clean, I hope to see you often and return
Loaden with blessings, still to pour on some ;
I find 'em all in my contented peace,
And lose not one in thousands ; they're disperst 40
So gloriously, I know not which are brightest
I find 'em, as angels are found, by legions :
First, in the love and honesty of a wife,
Which is the first and chiefest of all ^ temporal bless-
ings;
Next, in yourself, which is the hope and joy
Of all my actions, my affairs, my wishes ;
And lastly, which crowns all, I find my soul
Crown'd with the peace of 'em, th' eternal riches,
Man's only portion for his heavenly marriage !
Leon, Rise ; thou art all obedience, love, and good-
ness. 50
I dare say that which thousand fathers cannot,
And that's my precious comfort ; never son
Was in the way more of celestial rising :
Thou art so made of such ascending virtue.
That all the powers of hell can't sink thee.
\A ham sounded within.
Clean, Ha !
Leon, What was't disturb'd my joy ?
Clean, Did you not hear.
As afar off?
1 By omitting this word and reading ^'chiefst," the line would be
brought within proper dimensions. (Dyce and Gifford read " Which is
the chiefest of all," &c.)
2o6 The Old Law. [act iv.
Iaoti, What, my excellent comfort ? *
Clean, Nor you ?
Hip, I heard a \^A horn, 60
Clean, Hark, again!
Z^^«. Bless my joy,
What ails it on a sudden ?
Clean, Now? since lately?
Leon, Tis nothing but a symptom of thy care, man.
Clean, Alas, you do not hear well !
Leon, What was't, daughter ?
Hip, I heard a sound twice. \A horn.
Clean, Hark \ louder and nearer :
In, for the precious good of virtue, quick, sir !
Louder and nearer yet ! at hand, at hand !
\Exit Leonides.
A hunting here ! 'tis strange : I never knew
Game followed in these woods before. 70
Enter Evander, Simonides, Courtiers, and Cratilus.
Hip, Now let 'em come, and spare not
Clean, Ha ! 'tis — is't not the duke ? — look sparingly.
Hip, 'Tis he ; but what of that ? alas, take heed, sir ;
Your care will overthrow us.
Clean, Come, it shall not be :
1 "The old copy has consort^ which induced Coxeter to give the
speech to Hippolita. I have little doubt but that the mistake is in this
word, which should be comfort, as it stands in the text : by this term
the fond parent frequently addresses his children. In the mouth of
Leonides, too, it forms a natural reply to the question of Cleanthes, who
then turns to make the same demand of his wife." — Gifford,
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 207
Let's set a pleasant face upon our fears,
Though our hearts shake with horror. — Ha, ha, ha 1
Evan, Hark!
Clean, Prithee, proceed ;
I'm taken with these light things infinitely,
Since the old man's decease ; ha ? — so they parted ? 80
Ha, ha, ha !
Evan, Why, how should I believe this? look, he's
merry,
As if he had no such charge : one with that care
Could never be so ; still he holds his temper.
And 'tis the same still (with no difference)
He brought his father's corpse to the grave with ;
He laugh'd thus then, you know.
First Court Ay, he may laugh, my lord,
That shows but how he glories in his cunning ;
And [is], perhaps, done more to advance his wit, 90
That ^ only he has over-reach'd the law.
Than to express affection to his father.
Sim, He tells you right, my lord ; his own cousin-
german
Reveal'd it first to me j a free-tongued woman.
And very excellent at telling secrets.
Evan, If a contempt can be so neatly carried.
It gives me cause of wonder.
Sim, Troth, my lord,
'Twill prove a delicate cozening, I believe :
I'd have no scrivener offer to come near it.
y In the old ed. this line and the next are transposed.
2o8 The Old Law. [act it.
Evan, Cleanthes.
Clean. My lov'd lord
Evan. Not mov'd a whit, loo
Constant to lightness ^ still ! Tis strange to meet you
Upon a ground so unfrequented, sir :
This does not fit your passion ; you're for mirth,
Or I mistake you much.
Clean. But finding it
Grow to a noted imperfection in me,
For anything too much is vicious,
I come to these disconsolate walks, of purpose.
Only to dull and take away the edge on't
I ever had a greater zeal to sadness,
A natural propension,^ I confess, my lord, no
Before that cheerful accident fell out —
If I may call a father's funeral cheerful,
Without wrong done to duty or my love.
Evan. It seems, then, you take pleasure i'these walks,
sir.
Clean. Contemplative content I do, my lord :
They bring into my mind oft meditations
So sweetly precious, that, in the parting,
I find a shower of grace upon my cheeks.
They take their leave so feelingly.
Evan. So, sir I
Clean. Which is a kind of grave delight, my lord. 120
Evan. And I've small cause, Cleanthes, to afford you
The least delight that has a name.
1 Old ed. " lightning." » Old ed, •• proportion."
SCENE II.] Tke Old Law, 209
Clean. My lord !
Sim, Now it begins to fadge.
First Court, Peace ! thou art so greedy, Sim.
Evan, In your excess of joy you have expressed
Your rancour and contempt against my law :
Your smiles deserve fining ; you've profess'd
Derision openly, e'en to my face,
Which might be death, a little more incensed.
You do not come for any freedom here, 130
But for a project of your own : —
But all that* s known to be contentful to thee,
Shall in the use prove deadly. Your life's mine.
If ever thy presumption do but lead thee
Into these walks again, — ay, or that woman ;
I'll have 'em watch'd a' purpose.
[Cleanthes retires from the wood^ followed by
HiPPOLITA.
First Court, Now, now, his colour ebbs and flows.
Sim, Mark her's too.
Hip, O, who shall bring food to the poor old man,
now!
Speak, somewhat, good sir, or we're lost for ever.
Clean, O, you did wondrous ill to call me again ! 140
There are not words to help us ; if I entreat,
'Tis found ; that will betray us worse than silence ;
Prithee, let heaven alone, and let's say nothing.
First Court, You've struck 'em dumb, my lord.
Sim, Look how guilt looks !
I would not have that fear upon my flesh,
To save ten fathers.
VOL. II. o
2IO The Old Law. [actiy.
Clean, He is safe still, is he not ?
Hip, O, you do ill to doubt it
CUan, Thou art all goodness.
Sim. Now does your grace believe ?
Evan, 'Tis too apparent.
Search, make a speedy search ; for the imposture
Cannot be far ofif, by the fear it sends. 150
Clean. Ha!
Sim. Has ^ the lapwing's cunning, I'm afraid, my lord;
That cries most when she's farthest * from the nest.
Clean. O, we're betray'd !
Hip. Betray'd, sir !
Sim. See, my lord,
It comes out more and more still.
[SiMONiDES and Courtiers enter the wood.
Clean. Bloody thief !
Come from that place ; 'tis sacred, homicide !
*Tis not for thy adulterate hands to touch it.
Hip. O, miserable virtue, what distress
Art thou in at this minute !
Clean, Help me, thunder,
For my power's lost! angels, shoot plagues, and help
me! 160
Why are these men in health, and I so heart-sick ?
Or why should nature have that power in me
To levy up a thousand bleeding sorrows.
And not one comfort ? only makes me lie
1 i.e. he has.
* Allusions to the lapwing's subtlety are very common. Among Ray's
Proverbs we find—" The lapwing cries most farthest from her nest"
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 211
Like the poor mockery of an earthquake here,
Panting with horror,
And have not so much force in all my vengeance,
To shake a villain off me P
Re-enter Simonides and Courtiers with Leonides.
Hip, Use him gently,
And heaven will love you for't.
Clean, Father ! O father ! now I see thee full 170
In thy affliction ; ' thou'rt a man of sorrow.
But reverently becom'st it, that's my comfort :
Extremity was never better grac'd
Than with that look of thine ; O, let me look still,
For I shall lose it ! all my joy and strength \Kneeh.
Is e'en eclips'd together. I transgressed
Your law, my lord, let me receive the sting on't ;
Be once just, sir, and let the offender die :
He's innocent in all, and I am guilty.
Leon. Your grace knows, when affection only speaks,
Truth is not always there ; his love would draw 181
An undeserved misery on his youth,
And wrong a peace resolv'd, on both parts sinful.
'Tis I am guilty of my own concealment,
And, like a worldly coward, injur'd heaven
With fear to go to't : — now I see my fault,
I am prepar'd with joy to suffer for't.
1 Olded. "amee."
voided. <'afikction."
212 The Old Law. [activ.
Evan. Go, give him quick despatch, let him see
death :
And your presumption, sir, shall come to judgment.
\Exeunt Evander, Courtiers, Simonides ; and
Cratilus with Leonides.
Hip, He's going ! O, he's gone, sir !
Clean, Let me rise. 190
Hip. Why do you not then, and follow ?
CUan, I strive for't :
Is there no hand of pity that will ease me.
And take this villain from my heart awhile ? \Ri5es,
Hip. Alas ! he's gone.
Clean. A worse supplies his place then,
A weight more ponderous ; I cannot follow.
Hip. O misery of affliction !
• Clean. They will stay
Till I can come ; they must be so good ever,
Though they be ne'er so cruel :
My last leave must be taken, think a' that,
And his^ last blessing given ; I will not lose 200
That for a thousand comforts.^
Hip. That hope's wretched.
Clean. The unutterable stings of fortune !
All griefs are to be borne save this alone ;
This, like a headlong torrent, overturns
The frame of nature :
For he that gives us life first, as a father.
1 Olded. "this."
2 Old ed. " consorts.*' See note, p. 206.
sc«Njni.] The Old Law. 213
Locks all his natural sufferings in our blood ;
The sorrows that he feels are our heart's too,^
They are incorporate to us.
Hip, Noble sir !
Clean, Let me behold thee ^ well.
Hip, Sir!
Clean, Thou shouldst be good, 210
Or thou'rt a dangerous substance to be lodg'd
So near the heart of man.
Hip, What means this, dear sir ?
Clean, To thy trust only was this blessed secret
Kindly committed ; 'tis destroy'd, thou seest ;
What follows to be thought on't ?
Hip, Miserable !
Why here's th' unhappiness of woman still,
That, having forfeited in old times her ^ trust,
Now makes their faiths suspected that are just.
Clean, What shall I say to all my sorrows then.
That look for satisfaction ? 220
Enter Eugenia.
Eug, Ha, ha, ha ! cousin.
Clean, How ill dost thou become this time I
Eug, Ha, ha, ha !
Why, that's but your opinion ; a young wench
Becomes the time at all times.
Now, coz, we're even : and you be remember'd,
iQlded. ^" blood, A?
The sorrows that he feels, are our heads. "
« Old ed. " him."
» Old ed. "their." ,
214 ^^ Old Law. [activ.
You left a strumpet and a whore at home with me,
And such fine field-bed words, which could not cost you
Less than a fiither.
Clean, Is it come that way ?
Eug, Had you an uncle, 230
He should go the same way too.
Clean. O eternity !
What monster is this fiend in labour with ?
Eug, An ass-colt with two heads, that's she and
you :
I will not lose so glorious a revenge,
Not to be understood in't ; I betrayed] him ;
And now we're even, you'd best keep you so.
Clean. Is there not poison yet enough to kill me ?
Hip. O sir, forgive me ! it was I betray'd him.
Clean. How !
Hip. I. 240
Clean, The fellow of my heart ! 'twill speed me, then.
Hip. Her tears that never wept, and mine own pity
E'en cozen'd me together, and stole from me
This secret, which fierce death should not have purchas'd.
Chan. Nay, then we're at an end; all we are false
ones.
And ought to suffer. I was false to wisdom.
In trusting woman ; thou wert false to faith.
In uttering of the secret ; and thou false
To goodness, in deceiving such a pity :
We are all tainted some way, but thou worst, 250
And for thy infectious spots ought to die first.
\Offers to kill Eugenia.
SCENE II.] The Old Law. 2 1 5
£ug. Pray turn your weapon, sir, upon your mistress ;
I come not so ill friended. — Rescue, servants !
Re-enter Simonides and Courtiers.
Clean. Are you so whorishly provided ?
Sim. Yes, sir,
She has more weapons at command than one.
Eug, Put forward, man j thou art most sure to have
me
Sim. I shall be surer, if I keep behind, though.
Eugj Now, servants, show your loves.
Sim. I'll show my love, too, afar off.
Eug. I love to be so courted ; woo me there. 260
Sim. I love to keep good weapons, though [I] ne'er
fought.
I'm sharper set within than I am without.
Hip. O gentlemen ! Cleanthes !
Et^. Fight ! upon him !
Clean.^ Thy thirst of blood proclaims thee now a
strumpet.
Eug. 'Tis dainty, next to procreation fitting ;
I'd either be destroying men or getting.
Enter Guard.
First Officer. Forbear, on your allegiance, gentlemen !
He's the duke's prisoner, and we seize upon him
To answer this contempt against the law.
1 Olded. "^»>."
2 1 6 The Old Law. [act iv.
Sim. I obey fate in all things.
Hip, Happy rescue ! 270
Sim. I would you'd seized upon him a minute sooner ;
't had saved me a cut finger: I wonder how I came by't,
for I never put my hand forth, I*m sure ; I think my own
sword did cut it, if truth were known ; may be the wire
in the handle : I have lived these five-and-twenty years,
and never knew what colour my blood was before. I
never durst eat oysters, nor cut peck-loaves.
Eug. You have shown your spirits, gentlemen ; but
you
Have cut your finger.
Sim. Ay, the wedding-finger too, a pox on't ! 280
Court. You'll prove a bawdy bachelor, Sim, to have a
cut upon your finger before you are married.
Sim. I'll never draw sword again, to have such a jest
put upon me. \Exeunt
( 217 )
ACT V.
SCENE I.
A Court of Justice,
Enter Simonides and Courtiers, sword and mace
carried before them,
Sim, Be ready with your prisoner ; we'll sit instantly,
And rise before eleven,^ or when we please j
Shall we not, fellows-judges?
First Court. 'Tis committed
All to our power, censure, and pleasure, now ;
The duke hath made us chief lords of this sessions,
And we may speak by fits, or sleep by turns.
Sim, Leave that to us ; but, whatsoe'er we do,
The prisoner shall be sure to be condemn'd ;
Sleeping or waking, we are resolv'd on that.
Before we sit ^ upon him ?
Second Court, Make you question lo
If not ? — Cleanthes ! and an * enemy !
Nay, a concealer of his father too !
A vild example in these days of youth.
1 Olded. "leaven." > Olded. "foUow."
» Old ed. "set." * Olded. "one."
I
2 1 8 The Old Law. [act v.
Sim, If they were given to follow such examples ;
But sure I think they are not : howsoever,
'Twas wickedly attempted ; that's my judgment,
And it shall pass whilst I am in power to sit.
Never by prince were such young judges made ;
But now the cause requires it : if you mark it,
He must make young or none ; for all the old ones, 20
Their fathers,^ he hath sent a fishing — and
My father's one, I humbly thank his highness.
Enter Eugenia.
First Court. Widow ! 2
Eug, You almost hit my name no[w], gentlemen ;
You come so wondrous near it, I admire you
For your judgment
Sim. My wife that must be ! She.
Eug. My husband goes upon his last hour now.
First Court. On his last legs, I am sure.
Sim.^ September the seventeenth —
I will not bate an hour on't, and to-morrow 30
His latest hour's expir'd.
Second Court. Bring him to judgment ;
The jury's panell'd, and the verdict given
Ere * he appears ; we have ta'en course for that.
Sim. And officers to attach the gray young man.
The youth of fourscore. Be of comfort, lady ;
You ^ shall no longer bosom January ;
1 Old ed. •• her father." « Old ed. ** Widdows."
* The old ed. gives this to Eugenia. I have followed Gifford and \
Dyce. * Old ed. •• Ever." « Old ed. "We."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 219
For that I will take order, and provide
For you a lusty April.
Eug, The month that ought, indeed,
To go before May.
First Court, Do as we have said,
Take a strong guard, and bring him into court. 40
Lady Eugenia, see this charge performed
That, having his life forfeited by the law.
He may relieve his soul.
Eug, Willingly.
From shaven chins never came better justice
Than these ne'er touch'd by razor.^ \Exit.
Sim, What you do.
Do suddenly, we charge you, for we purpose
To make but a short sessions : — a new business !
Enter Hippolita.
First Court The fair Hippolita ! now what's your suit?
Hip, Alas ! I know not how to style you yet ;
To call you judges doth not suit your years, 50
Nor heads and beards show more antiquity ; ^
Yet sway yourselves with equity and truth.
And V\\ proclaim you reverend,^ and repeat
1 Old ed. "new tucht by reason." This excellent emendation was
made by Mason.
3 " Mr. M. Mason reads,
To call you judges doth not suit your years ^
Nor heads; and brains show more antiquity.
It is evident that he did not comprehend the sense, which, though ill-
conceived and harshly expressed, is, — You have not the years of judges,
nor do your heads and beards (old copy, brains) show more of age." —
Giffbrd, » Old ed. " reverent.**
220 The Old Law. [act v.
Once in my lifetime I have seen grave heads
Plac'd upon young men's shoulders.
Second Court, Hark ! she flouts us,
And thinks to make us monstrous.
Hip. Prove not so ;
For yet, methinks, you bear the shapes of men,
(Though nothing more than mercy beautifies,^
To make you appear angels) ; but if [you] crimson
Your name and power with blood and cruelty, 60
Suppress fair virtue, and enlarge bold ^ vice.
Both against heaven and nature draw your sword.
Make either will or humour turn the soul '
Of your created greatness, and in that
Oppose all goodness, I must tell you there
You're more than monstrous ; in the very act
You change yourselves * to devils.
First Court, She's a witch ;
Hark I she begins to conjure.
Sim, Time, you see.
Is short, much business now on foot : — shall I
Give her her answer ?
Second Court. None upon the bench 70
More learnedly can do it.
Sim, He, he, hem ! then list :
I wonder at thine impudence, young huswife,
That thou dar'st plead for such a base offender.
1 This is my own emendation. The old ed. reads "merely
beautifeaus.'* Gifford and Dyce give ''meerly beauty serves," — which
to me is unintelligible. « Old ed. " of old. "
* Coxeter aod Mason read "scale." ^ Old ed. ''yourseMe."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 221
Conceal a father past his time to die !
What son and heir would have done this but he ?
First Court. I vow, not I.
Hip. Because ye are parricides ;
And how can comfort be derived from such
That pity not their fathers ?
Second Court. You are fresh and fair ; practise young
women's ends ;
When husbands are distressed, provide them friends. 80
Sim. 1*11 set him forward for thee without fee -}
Some wives would pay for such a courtesy.
Hip. Times of amazement ! what duty, goodness
dwell 2
I sought for charity, but knock at hell. \^Exit.
Re-enter Eugenia, and Guard with Lysander.
Sim. Eugenia come 1 Command a second guard
To bring Cleanthes in ; we'll not sit long ;
My stomach strikes ^ to dinner.
Eug. Now, servants, may a lady be so bold
To call your power so low ?
Sim. A mistress may ;
1 The old ed. has "forward fee thee," giving the words "without
fee *' as a stage-direction.
3 I should prefer "where doth goodness dwell?"
• Old ed. "strives." GifFord suggested "strikes" but printed
" strives." Cf. pro-dialogue to Day's Isle of Gulls : — " I lay in bed till
past three o'clock, slept out my dinner, and my stomach will toll to
i«^^ afore five." So in Hey wood's English Traveller (Work's, iv.
13) : — "I know not how the day goes with you, but my stomach has
struck tzoelve,"
222 The Old Law. [act v.
She can make all things low; then in that language 90
There can be no offence.
Eug, The time's now come
Of manumissions ; take him into bonds,
And I am then at freedom.
Second Court, This the man !
He hath left off [o'] late to feed on snakes ; ^
His beard's turn'd white again.
First Court. Is't possible these gouty legs danc'd
lately,
And shattered in a galliard?
Eug. Jealousy
And fear of death can work strange prodigies.
Second Court. The nimble fencer this, that made me
tear
And traverse 'bout the chamber ?
Sim. Ay, and gave me 100
Those elbow-healths, the hangman take him for't !
They had almost fetch'd my heart out: the Dutch
venny *
I swallow'd pretty well ; but the half-pike
Had almost pepper'd^ me; but had I took [long-
sword].
Being swollen, I had cast my lungs out
1 A recipe for recovering youth. Cf. Fletcher's Elder Brother, iv. 4 :—
'• He's your loving brother, sir, and will teU nobody,
But all he meets, that you have eat a snake.
And are grown young, gamesome and rampant."
s Gifford reads *' Dutch what-you-calV
» Olded. "prepar'd."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 223
A Flourish} Enter Evander and Cratilus.
First ^ Court, Peace, the duke !
Evan, Nay, back ^ t* your seats : who's that ?
Second Court, Ma/t please your highness, it is old
Lysander.*
Evan, And brought in by his wife ! a worthy precedent
Of one that no way would offend the law,
And should not pass away without remark. 1 10
You have been look'd for long.
Lys, But never fit
To die till now, my lord. My sins and I
Have been but newly parted ; much ado
I had to get them leave me, or be taught
That difficult lesson, how to learn to die.
I never thought there had been such an art,^
And 'tis the only discipline we are born for :
All studies else ^ are but as circular lines.
And death the centre where they must all meet.
I now can look upon thee, erring woman, 120
And not be vex'd with jealousy ; on young men,
And no way envy their delicious health,
1 Old ed. Florish.
Duk. A flemish. Enter the Duke,"
*01ded. "a."
* Old ed. " Nay, bathe your seats." The emendation is Gi£fonl'Sf
In the old edition the line is given to the Second Courtier.
« Old ed.
'' Duk, May't please your highness.
Sim, 'Tis old Lisander."
* Old ed. ''act " (and so later editors).
6 Olded. "as arc."
224 The Old Law. [act v.
Pleasure, and strength ; all which were once mine own,
And mine must be theirs one day.
Evan, You have tam'd him.
Sim, And know how to dispose him ; that, my liege,
Hath been before determined. You confess
Yourself of full age ?
Lys, Yes, and prepared to inherit
Eug, Your place above. ^
Sim, Of which the hangman's strength
Shall put him in possession.
Lys, 'Tis still cai^d 2
To take me willing and in mind to die ; 130
And such are, when the earth grows weary of them.
Most fit for heaven.
Sim, The court shall make his mittimus.
And send him thither presently : i' th' meantime
Evan, Away ^ to death with him.
\ExH Cratilus with Lysander.
Enter Guard with Cleanthes, I^wvoiatk following^
weeping,
Sim, So ! see another person brought to the bar.
First Court, The arch-malefactor.
1 Old ed.
" Hip, Your place above — Duke— away to death with him.
[Cleanthes Guard."
I have followed GifTord's arrangement.
« Old ed. "guard." The words "Tis still . . . heaven" form part
of Simonides' speech in the old ed.
• See note i.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 225
Second Court, The grand offender,^ the most refractory
To all good order ; 2 'tis Cleanthes, he
Sim, That would have sons grave fathers, ere their
fathers
Be sent unto their graves.
Evan, There will be expectation
In your severe proceedings against him ; 140
His act being so capital.
Sim, Fearful and bloody ;
Therefore we charge these women leave the court,
Lest they should swoon ^ to hear it
Eug, I, in expectation
Of a most happy freedom. \ExiL
Hip, I, with the apprehension
Of a most sad and desolate widowhood. [ Eocit,
First Court, We bring him to the bar
Second Court, Hold up your hand, sir.
Clean, More reverence to the place than to the
persons :
To the one I offer up a [spreading] * palm
Of duty and obedience, [a]s to heaven.
Imploring justice, which was never wanting 150
Upon that bench whilst their own fathers sat ;
But unto you, my hands contracted thus,
1 Olded. "offenders."
« Olded. "orders."
» Olded, "stand."
4 '< I have inserted spreading^ not merely on account of its completing
the verse, but because it contrasts well with contracted. Whatever the
author's word was, it was shuffled out of its place at the press, and
appears as a misprint {jshowdu) in the succeeding line." — Gifford,
VOL. II. P
226 The Old Law, [act v.
As threatening vengeance against murderers,
For they that kill in thought shed innocent blood. —
With pardon of ^ your highness, too much passion
Made me forget your presence, and the place
I now am call'd to.
Evan, All our 2 majesty
And power we have to pardon or condemn
Is now conferred on them.
Sim. And these we'll use
Little to thine advantage.
Clean, I expect it : 160
And as to these, I look no mercy from [them],
And much less mean ^ to entreat it I thus now
Submit me [to] the emblems of your power,
The sword and bench : but, my most reverend judges,
Ere you proceed to sentence, (for I know
You have given me lost,) will you resolve me one thing ?
First Court So it be briefly questioned.
Second Court, Show your humour ; *
Day spends itself apace.
Clean, My lords, it shall ^
Resolve me, then, where are your filial tears,
Your mourning habits, and sad hearts become, 170
1 Olded. *'to."
« Olded. **one."
» " For mean the old copy has shown, which is pure nonsense: it
stands, however, in all the editions. I have, I believe, recovered the
genuine text by adopting mean, which was superfluously inserted in the
line immediately below it." — Giffbrd,
4 Olded. "honour."
^ i,e, it shall be briefly questioned.
(
SCENE!.] The Old Law. 227
That should attend your fathers' funeral ?
Though the stric[t] law (which I will not accuse,
Because a subject) snatch'd away their lives,
It doth not bar you ^ to lament their deaths :
Or if you cannot spare one sad suspire,
It doth not bid you laugh them to their graves,
Lay subtle trains to antedate their years.
To be the sooner seis'd of their estates.
O, time of age ! where's that -^neas now,
Who letting all his jewels to the flames ; 180
Forgetting country, kindred, treasure, friends.
Fortunes, and all things, save the name of son.
Which you so much forget, godlike ^ ^Eneas,
Who took his bedrid father on his back.
And with that sacred load (to him no burthen)
Hew'd out his way through blood, through fire, through
[arms].
Even all the arm'd streets of bright-burning Troy,
Only to save a father ?
Sim. We've no leisure now
To hear lessons read from Virgil ; we're past school.
And all this time thy judges.
Second Court, It is fit 190
That we proceed to sentence.
First Court, You are the mouth.
And now 'tis fit to open.
Sim, Justice, indeed.
1 Olded. "them."
« Olded. ••goe//>&^."
228 The Old Law. [act v.
Should ever be close-ear'd and open-mouth'd ;
That is, to hear a ^ little, and speak much.
Know 2 then, Cleanthes, there is none can be
A good son and bad ^ subject ; for, if princes
Be caird the people's fathers, then the subjects
Are all his sons, and he that flouts the prince
Doth disobey his father : there ye're gone.
First Court, And not to be recovered.
Sim, And again 200
Second Court, If he be gone once, call him not again.
Sim, I say again, this act of thine expresses
A double disobedience : as our princes
Are fathers, so they are our sovereigns too ;
And he that doth rebel 'gainst sovereignty
Doth commit treason in the height of degree :
And now thou art quite gone.
First Court, Our brother in commission
Hath spoke his mind both learnedly and neatly,
And I can add but little ; howsoever, 210
It shall send him packing.
He that begins a fault that wants example
Ought to be made example for the fault.
Clean, A fault 1 no longer can I hold myself
To hear vice upheld and virtue thrown down.
A fault ! judge, I desire, then,* where it lieth,
In those that are my judges, or in me :
Heaven stand on my side, pity, love, and duty.
1 Old ed. «*him." « Old ed. "Low."
s Old ed. " a bad." * Old ed. "judge then, I desire."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 229
Sim, Where are they, sir? who sees them but
yourself?
Clean, Not you \ and I am sure ^ 220
You never had the gracious eyes to see them.
You think [that] you arraign me, but I hope
To sentence you at the bar.
Second Court, That would show brave.
Clean, This were the judgment-seat we [stand at]
now!^
[Of] the heaviest crimes that ever made up [sin],
Unnaturalness and inhumanity.
You are found foul and guilty, by a jury
Made of your fathers' curses, which have brought
Vengeance impending on you ; and I, now.
Am forced to pronounce judgment on my judges. 230
The common laws of reason and of nature
Condemn you, ipso facto ; you are parricides.
And if you marry, will beget the like,^
Who, when you're grown to full maturity.
Will hurry you, their fathers, to their graves.
1 " i,e, O, that this were, &c. But, indeed, this speech is so strangely
printed in the quarto, that it is almost impossible to guess what the
writer really meant. The first three lines stand thus :
Clean. This were the judgment seat, we now
The heaviest crimes that ever made up
Unnaturalness in humanity.
Whether the genuine, or, indeed, any sense be elicited by the additions
which I have been compelled to make, is not mine to say ; but certainly
some allowance will be made for any temperate endeavour to regulate
a text where the words, in too many instances, appear as if they had
been shook out of the printer's boxes by the hand of chance." — Gifford,
» Olded. "lyar."
230 The Old Law. [act v.
Like traitors, you take council from the living,
Of upright judgment you would rob the bench,
(Experience and discretion snatched away
From the earth's face,) turn all into disorder,
Imprison virtue, and enfranchise vice, 240
And put the sword of justice into the hands
Of boys and madmen.
Sim, Well, well, have you done, sir ?
Clean. I have spoke my thoughts.
Sim, Then 1*11 begin and end.
Evan. 'Tis time I now begin —
Here ^ your commission ends.
Cleanthes, come you ^ from the bar. Because
I know you're severally disposed, I here
Invite you to an object will, no doubt.
Work in you contrary eflfects. — Music !
Loud Music, Enter Leonides, Creon, Lysander,
and other old men.
Clean. Pray, heaven^ I dream not! sure he moves,
talks comfortably, 250
As joy can wish a man. If he be changed
(Far above from me), he is not ill entreated ;
His face doth promise fulness of content.
And glory hath a part in't.
Leon. O my son !
1 Old ed. " Where." « Old ed. "you come."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 231
Evan, You that can claim acquaintance with these
lads,
Talk freely.
Sim, I can see none there that's worth
One hand to you from me.
Evan, These are thy judges, and by their grave law
I find thee clear, but these delinquents guilty.
You must change places, for 'tis so decreed : 260
Such just pre-eminence hath thy goodness gain'd.
Thou art the judge now, they the men arraigned.
\To Cleanthes.
First Court, Here's fine dancing, gentlemen.
Second Court, Is thy father amongst them ?
Sim?- O a pox ! I saw him the first thing I look'd on.
Alive again ! 'slight, I believe now a father
Hath as many lives as a mother.
Clean,^ 'Tis full as blessed as 'tis wonderful.
O, bring me back to the same law again !
I am fouler than all these ; seize on me, officers, 270
And bring me to new sentence.
Sim.^ What's all this ?
Clean, A fault not to be pardon'd,
Unnaturalness is but sin's * shadow to it.
Sim^ I am glad of that ; I hope the case may alter.
And I turn judge again.
Evan, Name your offence.
Clean, That I should be so vild
As once to think you cruel.
1 Old ed. " Clean r « Old ed. •* Sim:' » Old ed. " CUanr
* Olded. "suns."
232 The Old Law. [act v.
Evan, Is that all ?
Twas pardon'd ere confessed : you that have sons,
If they be worthy, here may challenge them.^
Creon.'^ I should have one amongst them, had he
had grace 2S0
To have retained that name.
Sim. I pray you, father. [Kneels,
Creon? That name, I know, hath been long since
forgot
Sim, I find but small comfort in remembering it now.
Evan, Cleanthes, take your place * with these grave
father[s],
And read what in that table is inscribed.
[Gives Jiim a paper.
Now set these at the bar,
And read, Cleanthes, to the dread and terror
Of disobedience and unnatural blood.
Clean, [reads]. It is decreed by the grave and learned
council of EpirCy that no son and heir shall be held capable
of his inheritance at the age o/one-and-twenty^ unless he be
at that time as mature * in obedience, manners, and goodness.
Sim, Sure I shall never be at full age, then, though I
live to an hundred years; and that's nearer by twenty
than the last statute allowed. 295
First Court, A terrible act !
Clean, Moreover,^ is enacted that all sons aforesaid , whom
1 Old ed. " my challenge then.^
a Old ed. " CZ?." » Old ed. " CUr
* Old ed. "places." « Old ed. "nature."
< In the old ed. these words are given to the First Courtier.
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 233
either this laWy or their owngrace^ shall'^ reduce into the true
method of duty ^ virttu^ and affection^ [shall appear before us"] 2
and relate their trial and approbation from Cleanthes^ the
son of Leonides — frpm me, my lord ! 301
Evan, From none but you, as fullest. Proceed, sir.
Clean. Whom^ for his manifest virtues^ we make such
fudge and censor ofyouth, and the absolute reference of life
and manners,
Sim, This is a brave world ! when a man should be
selling land, he must be learning manners. Is't not, my
masters ?
Re-enter Eugenia.
Eug, What's here to do ? my suitors at the bar !
The old band ^ shines again : O miserable ! 400
\She swoons,
Evan, Read the law over to her, 'twill awake her :
'Tis one deserves small pity.
Clean. Lastly^ it is ordained^ that all such wives now
whatsoever^ that shall design the\ir\ husbandi deaths to be
soon rid of them^ and entertain suitors in their husband^
lifetime —
Sim, You had best read that a little louder; for, if any-
thing, that will bring her to herself again, and find her
tongue.
1 Old ed. ••whom it shall."
' "Whether the words which I have inserted convey the author's
meaning, or not, may be doubted ; but they make some sense of the
passage, and this is all to which they pretend." — Giffbrd,
» ♦♦ So Gifford. Old ed. * baud.'— Qy. did the author write * The old
bald sires again f **—Dyce.
2 34 The Old Law. [act v.
Clean, Shall not presume^ on the penalty of our lieavy
displeasure^ to marry within ten years after, 411
Eug, That law's too long by nine years and a half,
I'll take my death upon't, so shall most women.
Clean, And those incontinent women so offending^ to he
Judged] and censured by Hippolita^ wife to Cleanthes,
Eug, Of all the rest, I'll not be judged] by her.
Re-enter Hippolita.
Clean, Ah! here she comes. Let me prevent thy joys,
Prevent them but in part, and hide the rest ;
Thou hast not strength enough to bear them, else.
Hip, Leonides! \She faints.
Clean, I fear'd it all this while ; 420
I knew 'twas past thy power. Hippolita ! —
What contrariety is in women's blood !
One faints for spleen and anger, she for grace.
Evan, Of sons and wives we see the worst and best.
M[a]y future ages yield Hippolitas
Many ; but few like thee, Eugenia !
Let no Simonides henceforth have a fame,
But all blest sons live in Cleanthes' name —
[Harsh music within.
Ha ! what strange kind of melody was that ?
Yet give it entrance, whatsoe'er it be, 430
This day is all devote to liberty.
SCENE i.j The Old Law. 235
Enter Fiddlers, Gnotho, Courtezan, Cook, Butler,
&c., with the old Women, Agatha, and one bearing
a bridecake for the wedding,
Gnoth, Fiddlers, crowd ^ on, crowd on ; let no man lay
a block in your way. — Crowd on, I say.
Evan, Stay the crowd awhile ; let's know the reason
of this jollity.
Clean, Sirrah, do you know where you are ?
Gnoth, Yes, sir ; I am here, now here, and now here
again, sir.
Lys, Your hat is too high crown*d, the duke in
presence.
Gnoth, The duke ! as he is my sovereign,^ I do give
him two crowns for it, and that's equal change all the
world over: as I am lord of the day (being my marriage-
day the second) I do advance [my] bonnet. Crowd on
afore. 443
Leon, Good sir, a few words, if you will vouchsafe 'em ;
Or will you be forc'd ?
Gnoth, Forced ! I would the duke himself would say so.
Evan, I think he dares, sir, and does ; if you stay not.
You shall be forced.
Gnoth, I think so, my lord, and good reason too ;
shall not I stay, when your grace says I shall ? I were
unworthy to be a bridegroom in any part of your
highness's dominions, then : will it please you to taste of
the wedlock-courtesy ? 453
1 Fiddle.
> A sovereign was a gold coin of the value of ten shillings.
236 The Old Law. [act v.
Evan, O, by no means, sir ; you shall not deface
So fair an ornament for me.
Gnoth, If your grace please to be cakated, say so.
Evan. And which might be your fair bride, sir ?
Gnoth. This is my two for one that must be, [the]
uxor uxoris, the remedy doloris^ and the very syceum
amoris, 460
Evan, And hast thou any else ?
Gnoth, I have an older, my lord, for other uses.
Clean, My lord,
I do observe a strange decorum here :
These that do lead this day of jollity
Do march with music and most mirthful cheeks ;
Those that do follow, sad and wofully.
Nearer the haviour of a funeral
Than a wedding.
Evan, 'Tis true : pray expound that, sir. 470
Gnoth, As the destiny of the day falls out, my lord,
one goes ^ to wedding, another goes to hanging ; and
your grace, in the due consideration, shall find 'em much
alike ; the one hath the ring upon her finger, the other
a halter about her neck. / take thee^ Beatrice^ says the
bridegroom ; I take thee, Agatha, says the hangman ; and
both say together, to have and to hold, till death do part
us,
Evan, This is not yet plain enough to my under-
standing. 480
1 Old ed, **^oes out " (the word ** out " being caught from the previous
line).
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 237
Gnoth, If further your grace examine it, you shall find
I show myself a dutiful subject, and obedient to the law,
myself, with these my good friends, and your good sub-
jects, our old wives, whose days are ripe, and their lives
forfeit to the law : only myself, more forward than the
rest, am already provided of my second choice.
Evan, O, take heed, sir, you'll run yourself into
danger !
If the law finds )^u with two wives at once.
There's a shrewd premunire. 489
Gnoth. I have taken leave of the old, my lord. I
have nothing to say to her ; she's going to sea, your grace
knows whither, better than I do : she has a strong wind
with her, it stands full in her poop ; when you please, let
her disembogue.
Cook, And the rest of her neighbours with her, whom
we present to the satisfaction of your highness' law.
Gnoth, And so we take our leaves, and leave them to
your highness. — Crowd on.
Evan, Stay, stay, you are too forward. Will you marry
And your wife yet living ? 500
Gnoth, Alas! she'll be dead before we can get to
church. If your grace would set her in the way, I would
despatch her : I have a venture on't, which would return
me, if your highness would make a little more haste, two
for one.
Evan, Come, my lords, we must sit again ; here's a
case
Craves a most serious censure.
Cook, Now they shall be despatch'd out of the way.
238 The Old Law. [act v.
Gnoth, I would they were gone once ; the time goes
away.
Evan, Which is the wife unto the forward bridegroom ?
^^tf. I am, and it please your grace. 511
Evan, Trust me, a lusty woman, able-bodied,
And well-blooded cheeks.
Gnoth, O, she paints, my lord ; she was a chamber-
maid once, and learnt it of her lady.
Evan, Sure I think she cannot be so old.
Aga, Truly I think so too, and please your grace.
Gnoth, Two to one with your grace of that ! she's
threescore by the book.
Leon, Peace, sirrah, you're too loud. 520
Cook, Take heed, Gnotho : ^ if you move the duke's
patience, tis' an edge-tool; but a word and a blow; he
cuts off your head.
Gnoth, Cut off my head ! away, ignorant ! he knows it
cost more in the hair ; he does not use to cut off many
such heads as mine : I will talk to him too ; if he cut off
my head, I'll give him my ears. I say my wife is at full
age for the law; the clerk shall take his oath, and the
church-book shall be sworn too.
Evan, My lords, I leave this censure to you. 530
Leon, Then first, this fellow does deserve punishment,
For offering up a lusty able woman,
Which may do service to the commonwealth,
Where the law craves one impotent and useless.
Creon, Therefore to be severely punish'd.
1 Olded. **Gnothoes."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 239
For thus attempting a second marriage,
His wife yet living.
Lys. Nay, to have it trebled ;
That even the day and instant when he should mourn,
As a kind husband, to her funeral,
He leads a triumph to the scorn of it ; 540
Which unseasonable joy ought to be punished
With all severity.
But, The fiddles will be in a foul case too, by and by.
Leon, Nay, further ; it seems he has a venture
Of two for one at his second marriage,
Which cannot be but a conspiracy
Against the former.
Gnoth. A mess of wise old men !
Lys, Sirrah, what can you answer to all these ?
Gnoth, Ye are good old men, and talk as age will give
you leave. I would speak with the youthful duke him-
self ; he and I may speak of things that shall be thirty or
forty years after you are dead and rotten. Alas ! you are
here to-day, and gone to sea to-morrow. 553
Evan, In troth, sir, then I must be plain with you.
The law that should take away your old wife from you.
The which I do perceive was your desire.
Is void and frustrate ; so for the rest :
There has been since another parliament
Has cut it off.
Gnoth, I see your grace is disposed to be pleasant. 560
Evan, Yes, you might perceive that ; I had not else
Thus dallied with your follies.
Gnoth, I'll talk further with your grace when I come
240 The Old Law. act v.
back from church ; in the meantime, you know what to
do with the old women.
Evan, Stay, sir, unless in the meantime you mean
I cause a gibbet to be set up in your way,
And hang you at your return.
Aga, O gracious prince !
Evan, Your old wives cannot die to-day by any
Law of mine ; for aught I can say to 'em 570
They may, by a new edict, bury you.
And then, perhaps you pay a new fine too.
Gnoth, This is fine, indeed !
Aga, O gracious prince ! may he live a hundred years
more.
Cook, Your venture is not like to come in to-day,
Gnotho.i
Gnoih, Give me the principal back.
Cook, Nay, by my troth we'll venture still — and I'm
sure we have as ill a venture of it as you ; for we have
taken old wives of purpose, that ^ we had thought to have
put away at this market, and now we cannot utter a penny-
worth. 582
Evan, Well, sirrah, you were best to discharge your
hew charge, and take your old one to you.
Gnoth, O music ! no music, but prove most doleful
trumpet ; ^
O bride ! no bride, but thou mayst prove a strumpet ;
O venture ! no venture, I have, for one, now none ;
1 Olded. "Gnothoes."
3 Olded. •• Where /Aa/."
•Olded. "trumpets."
SCENE I.] The Old Law. 241
O wife ! thy life is sav*d when I hop'd it had been gone.
Case up your fruitless strings ; no penny, no wedding \
Case up thy maidenhead ; no priest, no bedding : 590
Avaunt, my venture ! it can ne'er be restored,
Till Ag, my old wife, be thrown overboard :
Then come again, old Ag, since it must be so ;
Let bride and venture with wofiil music go.
Cook, What for the bridecake, Gnotho ? ^
Gnoth, Let it be mouldy, now 'tis out of season.
Let it grow out of date, currant, and reason ; *
Let it be chipt and chopt, and given to chickens.
No more is got by that than William Dickins
Got by his wooden dishes. 600
Put up your plums, as fiddlers put up pipes,
The wedding dash'd, the bridegroom weeps and wipes.
Fiddlers, farewell ! and now, without perhaps.
Put up your fiddles as you put up scraps.
Lys, This passion ^ has given some satisfaction yet.
My lord, I think you'll pardon him now, with all the
rest, so they live honestly with the wives they have.
Evan, O, most freely ; free pardon to all.
Cook, Ay, we have deserved our pardons, if we can live
honestly with such reverend wives, that have no motion
in 'em but their tongues. 611
1 owed. "Gnothocs."
> " Raisin " seems to have been pronounced as "reason." Falstafi
plays upon the word — " If reasons were as common as blackberries, I
would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.'*
' Sorrowful exclamation.
VOL. II. Q
242 The Old Law. [act v.
Aga, Heaven bless your grace ! you're a just
prince.
Gnath. All hopes dash'd ; the clerk's duties lost,
[My] venture gone ; my second wife divorc'd ;
And which is worst, the old one come back again !
Such voyages are made now-a-days !
I will weep two salt [ones out] of my^ nose, besides
these two fountains of fresh water. Your grace had been
more kind to your young subjects — heaven bless and
mend your laws, that they do not gull your poor country-
men [in this] fashion : but I am not the first, by forty,
that has been undone by the law. 'Tis but a folly to
stand upon terms ; I take my leave of your grace, as well
as mine eyes will give me leave : I would they had been
asleep^ in their beds when they opened 'em to see this
day ! Come, Ag ; come, Ag. 627
\Exeunt Gnotho and Agatha.
Creon, Were not you all my servants ?
Cook. During your life, as we thought, sir ; but our
young master turned us away.
Creon, How headlong, villain, wert thou in thy ruin !
Sim, I followed the fashion, sir, as other young men
did. If you were* as we thought you had been, we
should ne'er have come for this, I warrant you. We did
not feed, after the old fashion, on beef and mutton, and
such like.
Creon, Well, what damage or charge you have run
yourselves into by marriage, I cannot help, nor deliver
1 Old ed. " our." » Old ed. •• have.
n
SCENE!.] The Old Law. 243
you from your wives ; them you must keep ; yourselves
shall again return ^ to me. 640
AIL We thank your lordship for your love, and must
thank ourselves for our bad bargains. \Exeunt
Evan. Cleanthes, you delay the power of law,
To be inflicted on these misgoverned men,
That filial duty have so far transgressed.
Clean, My lord, I see a satisfaction
Meeting the sentence, even preventing it.
Beating my words back in their utterance.
See, sir, there's salt sorrow bringing forth fresh
And new duties, as the sea propagates. 650
The elephants * have found their joints too
[They kneel.
Why, here's humility able to bind up
The punishing hand of the severest masters,
Much more the gentle fathers'.
Sim. I had ne'er thought to have been brought so low
as my knees again ; but since there's no remedy, fathers,
reverend fathers, as you ever hope to have good sons and
heirs, a handful of pity ! we confess we have deserved
more than we are willing to receive at your hands,
though sons can never deserve too much of their fathers,
as shall appear afterwards. 661
Creon. And what way can you decline your feeding
now?
You cannot retire to beeves and muttons, sure.
1 Olded. "retaine."
* Cf. Rowley's AlFs Lost by Lust, c 3, verso : —
" Stubborn as au elephant's leg^ no bending in her."
244 ^'^ Old Law. [act v.
Sim, Alas ! sir, you see a good pattern for that, now
we have laid by our high and lusty meats, and are down
to our marrow bones already.
Crean, Well, sir, rise to virtues : we'll bind ^ you now ;
\^Thfy rise.
You that were too weak yourselves to govern,
By others shall be governed.
- Lys. Cleanthes, 670
I meet your justice with reconcilement :
If there be tears of faith in woman's breast,
I have received a myriad, which confirms me
To find a happy renovation.
dean. Here's virtue's throne.
Which I'll embellish with my dearest jewels
Of love and faith, peace and affection !
This is the altar of my sacrifice.
Where daily my devoted knees shall bend.
Age-honour'd shrine ! time still so love you, 680
That I so long may have you in mine eye
Until my memory lose your beginning !
For you, great prince, long may your fame survive.
Your justice and your wisdom never die.
Crown of your crown, the blessing of your land,
Which you reach to her from your regent ^ hand !
Lean, O Cleanthes, had you with us tasted
The entertainment of our retirement,
Fear'd and exclaim'd on in your ignorance.
You might have sooner died upon the wonder, 690
1 Old ed. "bound." « Old ed. "regents."
SCENE 1.] The Old Law. 245
Than any rage or passion for our loss.
A place at hand we were all strangers in,
So spher'd about with music, such delights,
[Such] viands and attendance, and once a day
So cheered with a royal visitant,
That ofttimes, waking, our unsteady phantasies
Would question whether we yet liv'd or no,
Or had possession of that paradise
Where angels be the guard !
Evan. Enough, Leonides,
You go beyond the praise ; we have our end; 700
And all is ended well : we have now seen
The flowers and weeds that grew about our court.
Sim. If these be weeds,^ Tm afraid I shall wear none
so good again as long as my father lives.
Evan. Only this gentleman we did abuse
With our own bosom : we seem'd a tyrant,
And he our instrument. Look, 'tis Cratilus,
[^Discovers Cratilus.
The man that you supposed had now been travelled ;
Which we gave leave to learn to speak.
And bring us foreign languages to Greece. 710
All's joy,^ I see ; let music be the crown :
And set it high, " The good needs fear no law.
It is his safety, and the bad man*s awe."
[Flourish. Exeunt.
1 Simonides looks ruefully at his handsome apparel (Weeds = gar-
ments. )
« Olded. "joyed."
A TRICK TO CATCH THE
OLD ONE.
A Tricke to Catch the Old-one, As it hath beene often in
Action, both at Paules^ and the Black-Fryers, Presented before
his Maiestie on New-yeares night last. Composde by T. M,
At London Printed by G: E, and are to be sold by Henry Rocky tt,
at the long shop in the Poultrie vnder the Dyall, 1608. 4to.
Second ed., 1616, 4to.
This drama was licensed by Sir George Buc for printing on 7th
October 1607.
I^!!r.„v ! yW«.<6 »/HOARD.
Lamprey,
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
WiTGOOD.
Lucre, his uncle.
Hoard.
Onesiphorus Hoard, his brother.
Limber, \
Spichcock, )
Dampit.
Gulf.
Freedom, son to Mistress Lucre.
MONEYLOVE.
JJost.
Sir Launcelot.
Creditors,
Gentlemen,
George.
Drawer,
Boy,
Scrivener,
Servants^ &*c.
Courtesan,
Mistress Lucre.
Joyce, niece to Hoard.
Lady Foxstone.
Audrey, servant to Dampit.
SCENE (except during the first two scenes of act i),
London.
\
*
A TRICK TO CATCH THE
OLD ONE.
ACT I.
SCENE I.
A Street in a Country Town,
Enter Witgood.
Wit. All's gone ! still thou'rt a gentleman, that's all ;
but a poor one, that's nothing. What milk brings thy
meadows forth now ? where are thy goodly uplands, and
thy down lands? all sunk into that little pit, lechery.
Why should a gallant pay but two shillings for his
ordinary ^ that nourishes him, and twenty times two for
his brothel 2 that consumes him? But where's Long-
acre ? * in my uncle's conscience, which is three years'
1 See note 2, vol. i. p. 189.
' A term applied to a harlot.
3 The editor of i8z6 took this to be the name of Witgood's estate ;
but the term is applied generally to any estate. Dyce compares Lt^y
Alimony, 1659 : — " It will run like Quicksilver over all their husbands
Demains ; and in very short time make a quick despatch of all his
Long-Mre.'" Sig. B. 3,
252 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [ac
voyage about : he that sets out upon his conscience n
finds the way home again ; he is either swallowed in
quicksands of law-quillets, or splits upon the piles
2, prctmunire ; yet these old fox-brained and ox-brov
uncles have still defences for their avarice, and apolog
for their practices, and will thus greet our follies :
He that doth his youth expose
To brothel^ drink, and danger.
Let him that is his nearest kin
Cheat him before a stranger :
and that's his uncle ; 'tis a principle in usury. I dare not
visit the city : there I should be too soon visited by that
horrible plague, my debts ; and by that means I lose a
virgin's love, her portion, and her virtues. Well, how
should a man live now that has no living ? hum, — ^why,
are there not a million of men in the world that only
sojourn upon their brain, and make their wits their
mercers ; and am I but one amongst that million, and
cannot thrive upon't ? Any trick out of the compass ^ of
law now would come happily to me. 28
Enter Courtesan.
Cour, My love !
Wit, My loathing! hast thou been the secret con-
sumption of my purse, and now comest to undo my last
means, my wits ? wilt leave no virtue in me, and yet thou
ne'er the better?
^ " Out of the compass of " = not punishable by.
iCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 253
Hence, courtesan, round-webb'd tarantula.
That dry'st the roses in the cheeks of youth !
Cour. I've been true unto your pleasure ; and all
your lands
Thrice rack'd was never worth the jewel which
I prodigally gave you, my virginity :
Lands mortgaged may return, and more esteemed.
But honesty once pawn'd, is ne'er redeem'd. 40
Wit. Forgive : I do thee wrong
To make thee sin, and then to chide thee for*!.
Cour, I know I am your loathing now ; farewell
Wit Stay, best invention, stay.
Caur. I that have been the secret consumption of your
purse, shall I stay now to undo your last means, your
wits f hence, courtesan, away I
Wit, I prithee, make me not mad at my own weapon :
stay (a thing few women can do, I know that, and there-
fore they had need wear stays), be not contrary : dost love
me ? Fate has so cast ^ it that all my means I must derive
from thee. 52
Cour, From me ? be happy then ;
What lies within the power of my performance
Shall be commanded of thee.
Wit, Spoke like
An honest drab, i'faith : it may prove something ;
What trick is not an embryon at first,
Until a perfect shape come over it ?
Cour. Come, I must help you : whereabouts left you ?
^ Planned, devised.
254 -^ Trick to Catch the Old One. [acti.
I'll proceed : 60
Though you beget, 'tis I must help to breed.
Speak, what is't ? I'd fain conceive it.
Wit So, so, so : thou shalt presently take the name
and form upon thee of a rich country widow, four hundred
a-year valiant,^ in woods, in bullocks, in barns, and in rye-
stacks ; we'll to London, and to my covetous uncle.
Cour. I begin to applaud thee ; our states being both
desperate, they are soon resolute : but how for horses ?
Wit Mass, that's true; the jest will be of some con-
tinuance. Let me see ; horses now, a bots on 'em ! Stay,
I have acquaintance with a mad host, never yet bawd to
thee ; I have rinsed the whoreson's gums in mull-sack
many a time and often : put but a good tale into his ear
now, so it come oflf cleanly, and there's horse and man
for us, I dare warrant thee. 75
Caur, Arm your wits then
Speedily ; there shall want nothing in me,
Either in behaviour, discourse, or fashion,
That shall discredit your intended purpose.
I will so artfully disguise my wants, 80
And set so good a courage on my state.
That I will be believ'd.
Wit, Why, then, all's furnished.^ I shall go nigh to
catch that old fox mine uncle : though he make but some
amends for my undoing, yet there's some comfort in't,
he cannot otherwise choose (though it be but in hope to
cozen me again) but supply any hasty want that I bring
1 Worth.
> The editor of 18x6 gives the unnecessary correction " finished."
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 255
to town with me. The device well and cunningly carried,
the name of a rich widow, and four hundred a-year in
good earth, will so conjure up a kind of usurer's love in
him to me, that he will not only desire my presence, —
which at first shall scarce be granted him, I'll keep off a'
purpose, — but I shall find him so officious to deserve, so
ready to supply 1 I know the state of an old man's affec-
tion so well : if his nephew be poor indeed, why, he lets
God alone with him; but if' he be once rich, then he'll
be the first man that helps him. 97
Cour. 'Tis right the world ; for, in these days, an old
man's love to his kindred is like his kindness to his wife,
'tis always done before he comes at it.
Wit I owe thee for that jest. Begone : here's all my
wealth ; prepare thyself, away. I'll to mine host with all
possible haste ; and with the best art, and most profitable
form, pour the sweet circumstance into his ear, which
shall have the gift to turn all the wax to honey. {Exit
Courtesan. ] — How no[w] ? O, the right worshipful seniors
of our country !
Enter^ Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber, and Kix.
Ones, H. Who's that ?
Lim, O, the common rioter ; take no note of him.
Wit. You will not see me now ; the comfort is, 1 10
Ere it be long you will scarce see yourselves.
\Aside^ and exit,
1 In the old eds. there is no stage-direction, and the prefixes to the
speeches of the " right worshipful seniors" are i, 2, and 3. That i is
Onesiphorus Hoard is shown by 1. 114, " His uncle and my brother, ^^ &c.
In the last scene of the play Limber and Kix accompany Onesiphorus.
256 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actl
Ones, H. I wonder how he breathes ; has consum'd all
Upon that courtesan.
Lim, We have heard so much.
Ones, H, YouVe heard all truth. His unde and my
brother
Have been these three years mortal adversaries :
Two old tough spirits, they seldom meet but fight.
Or quarrel when 'tis calmest :
I think their anger be the very fire
That keeps their age alive.
Lim, What was the quarrel, sir ? 119
Ones. H, Faith, about a purchase, fetching over a
young heir. Master Hoard, my brother, having wasted
much time in beating the bargain, what did me old Lucre,
but as his conscience moved him, knowing the poor gen-
tleman, stept in between 'em, and cozened him himself.
Litn. And was this all, sir ?
Ones, H, This wlas e'en it, sir; yet, for all this, I know
no reason but the match might go forward betwixt bis
wife's son and my niece : what though there be a dissen-
sion between the two old men, I see no reason it should
put a difference between the two younger; 'tis as natural
for old folks to fall out, as for young to fall in. A scholar
comes a-wooing to my niece; well, he's wise, but he's
poor : her son comes a-wooing to my niece ; well, he's
a fool, but he's rich. ,^
Lim, Ay, marry, sir.
Ones, H. Pray, now, is not a rich fool better than a
poor philosopher ?
Iam. One would think so, i'faith.
Ones, H, She now remains at London with my brother,
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 257
her second uncle, to learn fashions, practise music ; the
voice between her lips, and the viol ^ between her legs,
she'll be fit for a consort ^ very speedily: a thousand
good pound is her portion ; if she marry, we'll ride up
and be merry. 144
Kix. A match, if it be a match. \Exmnt
SCENE II.
Another Street in the same Town,
Enter Witgood, meeting Host.
Wit, Mine host !
Host, Young master Witgood !
Wit, I have been laying ^ all the town for thee.
Host, Why, what's the news, bully * Had-land ? *
Wit. What geldings are in the house, of thine own ?
Answer me to that first.
Host, Why, man, why ?
Wit, Mark me what I say : I'll tell thee such a tale in
thine ear, that thou shalt trust me spite of thy teeth,
furnish me with some money wille nille, and ride up
with me thyself r^^^/ra voluntatem et professionem, n
1 i.e. viol-de-gambo (a six-stringed violin).
< A pun is intended. " Consort "=(i) a company of musicians, (2)
a husband.
* " Is used in the same sense by Jack Cade in the Second Part of
Henry VI, ^ act iv. scene 10 : * These five days have I hid me in these
woods, and durst not peep out, for all the country is layd for me.' " —
Editor of iZi6,
4 A familiar term of address. ^ See note 2, vol i. p. 315.
VOL. II. R
258 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act l
Host How ? let me see this trick, and I'll say thou
hast more art than a conjurer.
Wit Dost thou joy in my advancement ?
Host Do I love sack and ginger ?
Wit. Comes my prosperity desiredly to thee ?
Host, Come forfeitures to a usurer, fees to an officer,
punks to an host, and pigs to a parson desiredly ? why,
then, la.
Wit Will the report of a widow of four hundred a-year,
boy, make thee leap, and sing, and dance, and come to
thy place again ? 22
Host Wilt thou command me now ? I am thy spirit ;
conjure me into any shape.
Wit I ha* brought her from her friends, turned back
the horses by a slight ; not so much as one among her
six men, goodly large yeomanly fellows, will she trust
with this her purpose: by this light, all unmanned,
regardless of her state, neglectful of vain-glorious cere-
mony, all for my love. O, 'tis a fine little voluble tongue,
mine host, that wins a widow ! 31
Host. No, 'tis a tongue with a great T, my boy, that
wins a widow.
Wit Now, sir, the case stands thus : good mine host,
if thou lovest my happiness, assist me.
Host, Command all my beasts i' th' house.
Wit Nay, that's not all neither : prithee, take truce
with thy joy, and listen to me. Thou knowest I have a
wealthy uncle i' th' city, somewhat the wealthier by my
follies : the report of this fortune, well and cunningly
carried, might be a means to draw some goodness from
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 259
the usuring rascal ; for I have put her in hope already of
some estate that I have either in land or money : now,
if I be found true in neither, what may I expect but a
sudden breach of our love, utter dissolution of the match,
and confusion of my fortunes for ever ? 46
Host, Wilt thou but trust the managing of thy business
with me ?
Wit With thee ? why, will I desire to thrive in my
purpose ? will I hug four hundred a-year, I that know the
misery of nothing ? Will that man wish a rich widow
that has ne'er a hole to put his head in ? With thee,
mine host ? why, believe it, sooner with thee than with
a covey of counsellors. 54
Host Thank you for your good report, i'faith, sir;
and if I stand you not in stead, why then let an host come
oflf hie et hcec hostis, a deadly enemy to dice, drink, and
venery. Come, where's this widow ?
Wit. Hard at Park-end.
Host, I'll be her serving-man for once. 60
Wit. Why, there we let off together: keep full time;
my thoughts were striking then just the same number.
Host I knew't: shall we then see our merry days
again ?
Wit. Our merry nights — which ne'er shall be more
seen. [Aside,"] [Exeunt.
26o A Trick to Catch tlie Old One. [acti.
SCENE III.
A Street in^ London.
Enter ^ Lucre and Hoard quarrelling; Lamprey, Spich-
COCK, Freedom, and Moneylove, coming between
to pacify them.
Lam. Nay, good master Lucre, and you, master Hoard,
anger is the wind which you're both too much troubled
withal
JSba. Shall my adversaiy thus daily affront^ me, ripping
up the old wound of our malice, which three summers
could not close up ? into which wound the very sight of
him drops scalding lead instead of balsamum.
Luc. Why, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard!
may I not pass in the state of quietness to mine own
house? answer me to that, before witness, and why?
Ill refer the cause to honest, even-minded gentlemen, or
require the mere indifferences of the law to decide this
matter. I got the purchase,* true: was't not any man's
case? yes: will a wise man stand as a bawd, whilst
another wipes his nose * of the bargain ? no ; I answer no
in that case. i5
Lam. Nay, sweet master Lucre.
Hoa. Was it the part of a friend — no, rather of a Jew;
— mark what I say — when I had beaten the bush to the
1 Old eds. " Enter at seuerall doores."
3 i,e. face me.
2 A cant term for plunder.
* To wipe a person*! nose fif^iohoidtptiy^ of. See Naies' Glossary.
SCENE III.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 261
last bird, or, as I may term it, the price to a pound, then,
like a cunning usurer, to come in the evening of the
bargain, and glean all my hopes in a minute ? to enter,
as it were, at the back door of the purchase ? for thou
ne'er camest the right way by it.
Luc, Hast thou the conscience to tell me so without
any impeachment to thyself? 26
Hoa, Thou that canst defeat thy own nephew, Lucre,
lap his lands into bonds, and take the extremity of thy
kindred's forfeitures, because he's a rioter, a wastethrift,
a brothel-master, and so forth; what may a stranger
expect from thee but vulnera dilacerata^ as the poet says,
dilacerate dealing?
Luc, Upbraidest thou me with nephew ? is all imputa-
tion laid upon me ? what acquaintance have I with his
follies? if he riot, 'tis he must want it; if he surfeit, 'tis
he must feel it ; if he drab it, 'tis he must lie by't : what's
this to me ? 37
Hoa. What's all to thee? nothing, nothing; such is
the gulf of thy desire and the wolf of thy conscience : but
be assured, old Pecunius Lucre, if ever fortune so bless
me, that I may be at leisure to vex thee, or any means
so favour me, that I may have opportunity to mad thee,
I will pursue it with that flame of hate, that. spirit of
malice, unrepressed wrath, that I will blast thy comforts.
Luc, Ha, ha, ha !
Lam, Nay, master Hoard, you're a wise gentleman
Hoa, I will so cross thee
Luc, And I thee.
Hoa, So without mercy fret thee
262 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actl
Ltu, So monstrously oppose thee 50
Hoa, Dost scoff at my just anger ? O, that I had as
much power as usury has over thee !
Luc. Then thou wouldsi have as much power as the
devil has over thee.
Hoa, Toad!
Luc Aspic !
Hoa, Serpent 1
Luc, Viper I
SpL Nay, gentlemen, then we must divide you per-
force, (fi
Lam, When the fire grows too unreasonable hot, there's
no better way than to take off the wood.
[Exeunt Lamprey and Spichcock, drawing off
Lucre and Hoard different jways : manent
Freedom and Moneylove. ^v
Free, A word, good signior.
Man, How now, what's the news ? "%. .
Free, Tis given me to understand that you are a ri\
of mine in the love of mistress Joyce, master Hoard'?
niece : say me ay, say me no ?
Mon, Yes, 'tis so.
Free, Then look to yourself, you cannot live long:
I'm practising every morning; a month hence I'll
challenge you. 71
Mon, Give me your hand upon't ; there's my pledge
I'll meet you. [Strikes him, and exit.
Free, O, O ! what reason had you for that, sir, to strike
before the month ? you knew I was not ready for you,
/
<T
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 263
and that made you so crank : ^ I am not such a coward
to strike again, I warrant you. My ear has the law of her
side, for it bums horribly. I will teach him to strike a
naked face, the longest day of his life : 'slid, it shall cost
me some money but I'll bring this box into the chancery.
\Exii.
SCENE IV.
Another Street,
Enter Witgood and Host
Host, Fear you nothing, sir ; I have lodged her in a
house of credit, I warrant you.
Wit, Hast thou the writings ?
Host, Firm, sir.
Wit, Prithee, stay, and behold two the most pro-
digious rascals that ever slipt into the shape of men ;
Dampit, sirrah, and young Gulf his fellow-caterpillar.
Host, Dampit ? sure I have heard of that Dampit ?
Wit, Heard of him ? why, man, he that has lost both
nis ears may hear of him ; a famous infamous trampler
5f time ; his own phrase. Note him well : that Dampit,
trrah, he in the uneven beard and the serge cloak, is the
rMi ^^^ notorious, usuring, blasphemous, atheistical, brothel-
►tniting rascal, that we have in these latter times now
*tant ; whose first beginning was the stealing of a masty ^
>g from a farmer's house. 16
Host, He looked as if he would obey the command-
«nt[s] well, when he began first with stealing.
•d's
['11
e
r
> .^-.
Spirited, lively. > Mastiff.
264 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act l
Wit True : the next town he came at, he set the dogs
together by th' ears. 20
Host A sign he should follow the law, by my faith.
Wit So it followed, indeed ; and being destitute of
all fortunes, staked his masty against a noble,^ and by
great fortune his dog had the day, how he made it up ten
shillings, I know not ; but his own boast is, that he came
to town but with ten shillings in his purse, and now is
credibly worth ten thousand pound.
Host How the devil came he by it ?
Rnter Dampit and Gulf.
Wit, How the devil came he not by it ? If you put
in the devil once, riches come with a vengeance : has
been a trampler of the law,* sir ; and the devil has a care
of his footmen. The rogue has spied me now ; he nibbled
^ A gold coin worth 6j. &/.
' ' ' Taylor, the water-poet, begins the account of * A Corrupted Lawyer
and a Knauish Vndershriue,' with the following lines :
' A hall, a hall, the tramp Urs are at hand,
A shifting Master, and as sweetly man'd ;
His Buckram-bearer, one that knowes his ku.
Can write with one hand and receiue with two.
The trampler is in hast, O cleere the way.
Takes fees with both hands cause he cannot stay.
No matter wheth'r the cause be right or wrong,
So hee be payd for letting out his tongue.'
A Brood of Cormorants, p. 13 ; Workes^ t6y>.
In Brome's Sparagus Garden^ 1640 (acted 1635), one of the characters
is a lawyer named Trampler,**— Dyce, Cf. Powell's Tom of all Trades,
1631 :— " But after the civil lawyer is once grown to maturity his way of
advancement is more beneficial, more certain, and more easy to attain
than is the common lawyer's. . . . And they admit few or no solicitors
to trample between them and the client " (p. 22}.
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 265
me finely once, too : — a pox search you ! [Astde.] — O,
master Dampit ! — the very loins of thee ! [Asid^.] — Cry
you mercy, master Gulf; you walk so low, I promise you
I saw you not, sir. 36
Gut/i He that walks low walks safe, the poets tell us.
Wi^, And nigher hell by a foot and a half than the
rest of his fellows. — [Aside.
But, my old Harry !
Dam. My sweet Theodoras !
Wi^, 'Twas a merry world when thou earnest to town
with ten shillings in thy purse. .41
Dam, And now worth ten thousand pound, my boy.
Report it ; Harry Dampit, a trampler of time, say, he
would be up in a morning, and be here with his serge
gown, dashed up to the hams in a cause; have his feet
stink about Westminster Hall, and come home again ;
see the galleons, the galleasses,^ the great armadas of the
law; then there be hoys and petty vessels, oars and
scullers of the time ; there be picklocks of the time too :
then would I be here; I would trample up and down
like a mule : now to the judges. May it please your reverend
honourable fatherhoods ; then to my counsellor, May it
please your worshipful patience ; then to the examiner's
office. May it please your mastership s gentleness ; then to
one of the clerks. May it please your worshipful lousiness^
— for I find him scrabbing in his cod-piece ; then to the
hall again, then to the chamber again 57
Wit, And when to the cellar again ?
^ Large, heavy galleys.
266 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actl
Dam, E'en when thou wilt again : tramplers of time,
motions ^ of Fleet Street, and visions of Holborn ; here
I have fees of one, there I have fees of another; my
clients come about me, the fooliaminy and coxcombry of
the country : I still trashed * and trotted for other men's
causes ; thus was poor Harry Dampit made rich by others
laziness, who, though they would not follow their own
suits, I made 'em follow me with their purses.
Wit, Didst thou so, old Harry?
Dam, Ay, and I soused 'em with bills of charges,
i*faith ; twenty pound a-year have I brought in for boat-
hire, and I ne'er stept into boat in my life. 70
Wit. Tramplers of time !
Dam, Ay, tramplers of time, rascals of time, bull-
beggars ! '
Wit, Ah, thou'rt a mad old Harry ! — Kind master
Gulf, I am bold to renew my acquaintance.
Gulf, I embrace it, sir. \Exeunt.
1 " Motions" = puppet-shows. I do not know what aUusion is in-
tended in " visions of Holborn."
' Under the word Trashing Nares quotes from the Puritan, iv. i :
" A guarded lackey to run before it, and pied liveries to come trashing
after it." The meaning of trash in both passages would seem to be,—
move with bustle.
' Hobgoblins.
( 26; )
ACT II.
SCENE I.
A Room in Lucre's House.
Enter Lucre.
Luc, My adversary evermore twits me with my nephew,
forsooth, my nephew : why may not a virtuous uncle
have a dissolute nephew? What though he be a
brotheller, a wastethrift, a common surfeiter, and, to
conclude, a beggar, must sin in him call up shame in me ?
Since we have no part in their follies, why should we
have part in their infamies ? For my strict hand toward
his mortgage, that I deny not : I confess I had an uncle's
pen'worth ; let me see, half in half, true : I saw neither
hope of his reclaiming, nor comfort in his being ; and
was it not then better bestowed upon his uncle than upon
one of his aunts ? — I need not say bawd, for every one
knows what aunt stands for in the last translation. 13
Enter Servant
Now, sir?
Ser, There's a country serving-man, sir, attends to
speak with your worship.
268 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actil
«
Luc, I'm at best leisure now ; send him in to me.
\Exit Servant
Enter Host disguised as a serving-man.
Host, Bless your venerable worship.
Luc, Welcome, good fellow.
Host. Ht calls me thief ^ at first sight, yet he little
thinks I am an host. [Aside.
Luc, What's thy business with me ? 22
Host, Faith, sir, I am sent from my mistress, to any
sufficient gentleman indeed, to ask advice upon a doubt-
ful point : 'tis indifferent, sir, to whom I come, for I know
none, nor did my mistress direct me to any particular
man, for she's as mere a sfranger here as myself; only I
found your worship within, and 'tis a thing I ever loved,
sir, to be despatched as soon as I can.
Luc, A good, blunt honesty; I like him well.
[Aside. ] — What is thy mistress ? 31
Host, Faith, a country gentlewoman, and a widow, sir.
Yesterday was the first flight of us ; but now she intends
to stay till a little term business be ended.
Luc, Her name, I prithee ?
Host, It runs there in the writings, sir, among her
lands ; widow Medler.
Luc, Medler? mass, have I ne'er heard of that widow?
Host, Yes, I warrant you, have you, sir : not the rich
widow in Staffordshire ? 40
Luc, Cuds me, there 'tis indeed ; thou hast put me
^ Good fellow was a cant term for a thieC
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 269
into. memory : there^ a widow indeed; ah, that I were
a bachelor again !
Host No doubt your worship might do much then;
but she's fairly promised to a bachelor already.
Luc, Ah, what is he, I prithee ?
Host A country gentleman too; one whom your
worship knows not, I'm sure ; has spent some few follies
in his youth, but marriage, by my faith, begins to call
him home : my mistress loves him, sir, and love covers
faults, you know : one master Witgood, if ever you have
heard of the gentleman. 52
Lu€, Ha ! Witgood, sayst thou?
HosL That's his name indeed, sir ; my mistress is like
to bring him to a goodly seat yonder ; four hundred
a-year, by my faith.
Luc, But, I pray, take me with you.^
Host Ay, sir.
Luc, What countr3rman might this young Witgood be ?
Host, A Leicestershire gentleman, sir. 60
Luc, My nephew, by th' mass, my nephew ? I'll fetch
out more of this, i'faith : a simple country fellow^ I'll
work't out of him. \Aside^ — And is that gentleman, sayst
thoi^, presently to marry her ?
Host Faith, he brought her up to town, sir ; has the
best card in all the bunch for't, her heart ; and I know my
mistress will be married ere she go down; nay, I'll swear
that, for she's none of those widows that will go down
1 ** Take me with you '* was a common expression for *' let me mider-
stand you.''
270 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [acth.
first, and be married after ; she hates that, I can tell you,
sir. 70
Luc. By my faith, sir, she is like to have a proper
gentleman, and a comely ; I'll give her that gift
Host Why, does your worship know him, sir ?
Luc. I know him ? does not all the world know him ?
can a man of such exquisite qualities be hid under a
bushel ?
Host. Then your worship may save me a labour, for I
had charge given me to inquire after him.
Luc. Inquire of him ? If I might counsel thee, thou
shouldst ne'er trouble thyself further ; inquire of him of
no more but of me ; I'll fit thee. I grant he has been
youthful ; but is he not now reclaimed ? mark you that,
sir : has not your mistress, think you, been wanton in her
youth ? if men be wags, are there not women wagtails ?^
Host. No doubt, sir. 85
Luc. Does not he return wisest that comes home whipt
with his own follies ?
Host. Why, very true, sir.
Luc. The worst report you can hear of him, I can tell
you, is that he has been a kind gentleman, a liberal, and
a worthy : who but lusty Witgood, thrice-noble Witgood !
Host. Since your worship has so much knowledge in
him, can you resolve me, sir, what his living might be?
my duty binds me, sir, to have a care of my mistress'
estate ; she has been ever a good mistress to me, though
I say it : many wealthy suitors has she nonsuited for his
^ '* Wagtail " was a term for a wanton woman.
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 271
sake ; yet, though her love be so fixed, a man cannot tell
whether his non-performance may help to remove it, sir ;
he makes us believe he has lands and living. 99
Zuc. Who, young master Witgood? why, believe it,
he has as goodly a fine living out yonder, — what do you
call the place ?
Ifos^. Nay, I know not, i'faith.
Zuc. Hum — see, like a beast, if I have not forgot the
name — pooh ! and out yonder again, goodly grown woods
and fair meadows: pax^ on't, I can ne'er hit of that
place neither : he ? why, he's Witgood of Witgood Hall ;
he an unknown thing !
Hosf. Is he so, sir ? To see how rumour will alter !
trust me, sir, we heard once he had no lands, but all lay
mortgaged to an uncle he has in town here. 1 1 1
Zuc. Push,2 'tis a tale, 'tis a tale.
Ifosf, I can assure you, sir, 'twas credibly reported to
my mistress.
Zmc, Why, do you think, i'faith, he was ever so simple
to mortgage his lands to his uncle? or his uncle so
unnatural to take the extremity of such a mortgage ?
Host, That was my saying still, sir.
Zuc, Pooh, ne'er think it.
Ifost, Yet that report goes current.
Zuc. Nay, then you urge me :
Cannot I tell that best that am his uncle ? 120
Ifost, How, sir ? what have I done 1
Zuc. Why, how now ! in a swoon, man ?
1 The affected pronunciation of '* pox." > Pish.
272 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actil
Host Is your worship his uncle, sir ?
Luc, Can that be any harm to you, sir ?
Host, I do beseech you, sir, do me the favour to con-
ceal it : what a beast was I to utter so much ! pray^ sir,
do me the kindness to keep it in ; I shall have my coat
pulled o'er my ears, an't should be known ; for the truth
is, an't please your worship, to prevent much rumour and
many suitors, they intend to be married very suddenly
and privately. 131
Luc, And dost thou think it stands with my judgment
to do them injury ? must I needs say the knowledge of
this marriage comes from thee ? anl I a fool at fifty-four?
do I lack subtlety now, that have got all my wealth by
it ? There's a leash of angels for thee : come, let nie
woo thee speak where lie they?
Host So I might have no anger, sir
Luc, Passion of me, not a jot : prithee, come.
' Host I would not have it known, sir,^ it came by my
means. 141
Luc- Why, am I a man of wisdom ?
Host I dare trust your worship, sir ; but I*m a stranger
to your house ; and to avoid all intelligencers, I desire
your worship's ear.
Luc, This fellow's worth a matter of trust [Aside.]—
Come, sir. [Host whispers to Aim,] Why, now thou'rt
an honest lad. — Ah, sirrah, nephew !
Host Please you, sir, now I have begun with your
1 So ed. 2.— Not in ed. z.
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 273
worship, when shall I attend for your advice upon that
doubtful point? I must come warily now. 151
Luc, Tut, fear thou nothing ;
To-morrow's evening shall resolve the doubt.
Host The time shall cause my attendance.
Luc, Fare thee well. \Exit Host.] — There's more true
honesty in such a country serving-man than in a hundred
of our cloak companions : ^ I may well call 'em com-
panions, for since blue^ coats have been turned into
cloaks, we can scarce know the man from the master. —
George ! 160
Enter George.
Geo, Anon, sir.
Luc, List hither : \wMspers\ keep the place secret :
commend me to my nephew \ I know no cause, tell him,
but he might see his uncle.
Geo, I will, sir.
Luc, And, do you hear, sir ?
Take heed to use him with respect and duty.
Geo. Here's a strange alteration ; one day he must be
turned out like a beggar, and now he must be called in
like a knight. \Aside^ and exit, 170
Luc, Ah, sirrah, that rich widow !— four hundred
a-year ! beside, I hear she lays claim to a title of a hundred
more. This falls unhappily that he should bear a grudge
to me now, being likely to prove so rich : what is't, trow,^
that he makes me a stranger for ? Hum, — I hope he
1 Knaves, rogues.
2 Blue coats were worn by serving-men.
3 Think you,
VOL. II. S
274 ^ Trick to Catch the Old One. [act il
has not so much wit to apprehend that I cozened him :
he deceives me then. Good heaven, who would have
thought it would ever have come to this pass ! yet he's a
proper gentleman, i'faith, give him his due, marry, that's
his mortgage ; but that I ne'er mean to give him : Til
make him rich enough in words, if that be good : and if
it come to a piece of money, I will not greatly stick ioi^i ;
there may be hope some of the widow's lands, too, may
one day fall upon me, if things be carried wisely. 1S4
Re-enter George.
Now, sir, where is he ?
Geo. He desires your worship to hold him excused ; he
has such weighty business, it commands him wholly from
all men.
Luc. Were those my nephew's words ?
Geo. Yes, indeed, sir. i^o
Luc. When men grow rich, they grow proud too, I
perceive that ; he would not have sent me such an answer
once within this twelvemonth : see what 'tis when a man's
come to his lands ! [Aside.] — Return to him again, sir;
tell him his uncle desires his company for an hour ; I'll
trouble him but an hour, say ; 'tis for his own good, tell
him : and, do you hear, sir ? put worship upon him : %o
to, do as I bid you ; he's hke to be a gentleman of wor-
ship very shortly.
Geo. This is good sport, i'faith. \Aside^ and exit. 200
Luc. Troth, he uses his uncle discourteously now : can
he tell what I may do for him ? goodness may come from
me in a minute, that comes not in seven year again:
SCENE!.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 275
he knows my humour ; I am not so usually good ; 'tis no
small thing that draws kindness from me, he may know
that and ^ he will. The chief cause that invites me to do
him most good is the sudden astonishing of old Hoard,
my adversary: how pale his malice will look at my
nephew's advancement! with what a dejected spirit he
will behold his fortunes, whom but last day he proclaimed
rioter, penurious makeshift, despised brothel-master !
Ha, ha ! 'twill do me more secret joy than my last
purchase, more precious comfort than all these widow's
revenues. 214
Re-enter George, showing in Witgood.
Now, sir?
Geo, With much entreaty he's at length come, sir.
\Exit,
Luc. O, nephew, let me salute you, sir ! you're welcome,
nephew.
Wit Uncle, I thank you.
Luc. You've a fault, nephew ; you're a stranger here :
Well, heaven give you joy ! 221
Wit. Of what, sir ?
Luc. Hah, we can hear !
You might have known your uncle's house, i'faith,
You and your widow : go to, you were to blame ;
If I may tell you so without oflfence.
Wit. How could you hear of that, sir ?
Luc. O, pardon me 1
1 If.
2 76 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act u.
Twas your will to have kept it ^ from me, I perceive
now.
Wit. Not for any defect of love, I protest, uncle.
Lite. O, 'twas unkindness, nephew ! fie, fie, fie. 230
Wit. I am sorry you take it in that sense, sir.
Luc. Pooh, you cannot colour it, i'faith, nephew.
Wit. Will you but hear what I can say in my just
excuse, sir?
Iau. Yes, faith, will I, and welcome.
Wit. You that know my danger i' th' city, sir, so
well, how great my debts are, and how extreme my
creditors, could not out of your pure judgment, sir, have
wished us hither.
Luc. Mass, a firm reason indeed. 240
Wit. Else, my uncle's house ! why, 't bad been the
only make-match.
Luc. Nay, and thy credit.
Wit. My credit ? nay, my countenance : push,^ nay, I
know, uncle, you would have wrought it so by your wit,
you would have made her believe in time the whole
house had been mine.
Luc. Ay, and most of the goods too.
Wit. La, you there ! well, let *em all prate what they
will, there's nothing like the bringing of a widow to one's
uncle's house. 251
Luc. Nay, let nephews be ruled as they list, they shall
find their uncle's house the most natural place when all's
done.
1 So ed. 2.— Ed. i " it kept." 2 Pish.
SCENE I] A Trick to Catch the Old One, 277
Wit There they may be bold.
Luc, Life, they may do anything there, man, and fear
neither beadle nor somner : ^ an uncle's house ! a very
Cole-Harbour.2 Sirrah, 1*11 touch thee near now : hast
thou so much interest in thy widow, that by a token thou
couldst presently send for her ? 260
Wit, Troth, I think I can, uncle.
Liic, Go to, let me see that.
Wit, Pray, command one of your men hither, uncle.
Luc, George!
Re-enter George.
Geo, Here, sir.
Luc, Attend my nephew. [Witgood whispers to
George, who then goes out.] — I love a' life ^ to prattle
with a rich widow; 'tis pretty, methinks, when our
tongues go together: and then to promise much and
perform little ; I love that sport a' life, i'faith : yet I am
in the mood now to do my nephew some good, if he take
me handsomely. [Aside,] — What, have you despatched ?
Wit, I ha' sent, sir. 273
Lt^. Yet I must condemn you of unkindness, nephew.
Wit, Heaven forbid, uncle !
Luc, Yes, faith, must I. Say your debts be many,
your creditors importunate, yet the kindness of a thing is
1 *' Sumnumer signifieth one used to call or cite a man to any court."
— Cowell's InUffreter.
> A corruption of Cold, Harbour^ a mansion (in Dowgate Ward)
where debtors and vagabonds found sanctuary.
» As my life.
278 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actil
all, nephew : you might have sent me close word on't,
without the least danger or prejudice to your fortunes.
Wit. Troth, I confess it, uncle ; I was to blame there ;
but, indeed, my intent was to have clapped it up
suddenly, and so have broke forth like a joy to my
friends, and a wonder to the world : beside, there's a
trifle of a forty pound matter toward the setting of me
forth; my friends should ne'er have known on't; I
meant to make shift for that myself. 286
Luc, How, nephew? let me not hear such a word
again, I beseech you : shall I be beholding ^ to you ?
Wit. To me ? Alas, what do you mean, uncle ?
Luc I charge you, upon my love, you trouble nobody
but myself. 291
Wit, You've no reason for that, uncle.
Luc, Troth, I'll ne'er be friends with you while you
live, and ^ you do.
Wit. Nay, and you say so, uncle, here's my hand ; I
will not do't
Luc, Why, well said ! there's some hope in thee when
thou wilt be ruled ; I'll make it up fifty, faith, because
I see thee so reclaimed. Peace; here comes my wife
with Sam, her t'other husband's son. 300
Enter Mistress Lucre and Freedom.
Wit, Good aunt.
Free, Cousin Witgood, I rejoice in my salute ; you're
1 Beholden. > If.
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 279
most welcome to this noble city, governed with the
sword in the scabbard.
Wit, And the wit in the pommel. [Aside.] — Good
master Sam Freedom, I return the salute.
Zuc. By the mass, she's coming, wife ; let me see now
how thou wilt entertain her.
Mis. Z. I hope I am not to learn, sir, to entertain a
widow; 'tis not so long ago since I was one myself. 310
Enter Courtesan.
Wit. Uncle
Liic, She's come indeed.
Wit. My uncle was desirous to see you, widow, and I
presumed to invite you.
Court. The presumption was nothing, master Witgood :
is this your uncle, sir ?
Luc. Marry am I, sweet widow; and his good uncle
he shall find me ; ay, by this smack that I give thee
[kisses her], thou'rt welcome. — Wife, bid the widow wel-
come the same way again. 320
Free. I am a gentleman now too by my father's occu-
pation, and I see no reason but I may kiss a widow by
my father's copy : truly, I think the charter is not against
it ; surely these are the words, The son once a gentleman
may revel it ^ though his father were a dauber ; 'tis about
the fifteenth page : I'll to her.
[AsidCy then offers to kiss the Courtesan, who
repulses him.
Luc. You're not very busy now; a word with thee,
sweet widow.
)
28o A Trick to Catch the Old One, [actil
Free, Coads-nigs ! * I was never so disgraced since the
hour my mother whipt me. 330
Lite. Beside, I have no child of mine own to care for;
she's my second wife, old, past bearing : clap sure to him,
widow ; he's like to be my heir, I can tell you.
Court, Is he so, sir ?
Luc, He knows it already, and the knave's proud on't :
jolly rich widows have been offered him here i' th' city,
great merchants' wives ; and do you think he would once
look upon 'em ? forsooth, he'll none : you are beholding to
him i' th' country, then, ere we could be : nay, 111 hold a
wager, widow, if he were once known to be in town, he
would be presently sought after ; nay, and happy were
they that could catch him first. 342
Court, I think so.
Luc, O, there would be such running to and fro,
widow ! he should not pass the streets for 'em : he'd be
took up in one great house or other presently : faugh !
they know he has it, and must have it. You see this house
here, widow ; this house and all comes to him ; goodly
rooms, ready furnished, ceiled with plaster of Paris, and [
all hung about* with cloth of arras. — Nephew. 350 -
Wit, Sir.
Luc, Show the widow your house ; carry her into all
the rooms, and bid her welcome. — You shall see, widow.
— Nephew, strike all sure above and ^ thou beest a good
boy, — ah ! {Aside to Witgood.
i
1 A vulgar meaningless oath. Cf. Marston^s Second Part 0/ An/on.
and Mell., iv. 3, " Gods neaks, he has wrong, that he has."
* So ed. 2.— Ed. i "above.** 8 If.
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 281
Wit, Alas, sir, I know not how she would take it !
Luc. The right way, I warrant t'ye : a pox, art an ass ?
would I were in thy stead ! get you up, I am ashamed of
you. {Exeunt Witgood and Courtesan.] So : let 'em
agree as they will now : many a match has been struck
up in my house a' this fashion : let 'em try all manner of
ways, still there's nothing like an uncle's house to strike
the stroke in. I'll hold my wife in talk a little. — Now,
Jenny, your son there goes a-wooing to a poor gentle-
woman but of a thousand [pound] portion : see my
nephew, a lad of less hope, strikes at four hundred a-year
in good rubbish. 367
Miss, L, Well, we must do as we may, sir.
Luc, I'll have his money ready told for him again ^ he
came down : let me see, too ; — by th' mass, I must
present the widow with some jewel, a good piece of^
plate, or such a device ; 'twill hearten her on well : I have
a very fair standing cup ; and a good high standing cup
will please a widow above all other pieces. \Exit,
Mis, L, Do you mock us with your nephew ? — I have
a plot in my head, son ; — i'faith, husband, to cross you.
Free, Is it a tragedy plot, or a comedy plot, good
mother ?
Mis, L, 'Tis a plot shall vex him. I charge you, of
my blessing, son Sam, that you presently withdraw the
action of your love from master Hoard's niece. 381
Free, How, mother?
1 Against.
« Socd. 2.— Ed. I "a."
\
282 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [acth.
MU. jL Nay, I have a plot in my head, i'faith. Here,
take this chain of gold, and this fair diamond : dog me
the widow home to her lodging, and at thy best oppor-
tunity fasten 'em both upon her. Nay, I have a reach :
I can tell you thou art known what thou art, son, among
the right worshipful, all the twelve companies.
Free, Truly, I thank 'em for it.
Mis, L. He? he's a scab to thee : and so certify her
thou hast two hundred a-year of thyself, beside thy good
parts — ^a proper person and a lovely. If I were a widow,
I could find in my heart to have thee myself, son ; ay,
from 'em all. 394
Free, Thank you for your good will, mother; but,
indeed, 1 had rather have a stranger : and if I woo her
not in that violent fashion, that I will make her be glad
to take these gifts ere I leave her, let me never be called
the heir of your body.
Mis. JL Nay, I know there's enough in you, son, if you
once come to put it forth.
Free, I'll quickly make a bolt or a shaft on't.^ 402
\Exeunt,
1 To make a holt or a shaft of a thing occurs in Ray's Proverbs. The
meaning of the phrase (which occurs in Merry IVives^ iii. 4) is tolake
the risk, succeed or fail. Shafts were sharp-pointed arrows ; boiisYttst
blunted at the extremity.
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 283
SCENE II.
A Street
Enter Hoard and Moneylove.
Man. Faith, master Hoard, I have bestowed many
months in the suit of your niece, such was the dear love
I ever bore to her virtues : but since she hath so ex-
tremely denied me, I am to lay out for my fortunes
elsewhere.
Hoa. Heaven forbid but you should, sir ! I ever told
you my niece stood otherwise affected.
Mon, I must confess you did, sir; yet, in regard of
my great loss of time, and the zeal with which I sought
your niece, shall I desire one favour of your worship ? 10
Hoa. In regard of those two, 'tis hard but you shall,
sir.
Mon. I shall rest grateful : ^tis not full three hours, sir,
since the happy rumour of a rich country widow came to
my hearing.
Hoa. Ho>v ? a rich country widow ?
Mon, Four hundred a-year landed.
Hoa. Yea?
Mon. Most firm, sir ; and I have learnt her lodging :
here my suit begins, sir; if I might but entreat your
284 A Trick to Catch tfie Old One. [act a
worship to be a countenance for me, and speak a good
word (for your words will pass), I nothing doubt bat I
might set fair for the widow ; nor shall your labour, sir,
end altogether in thanks ; two hundred angels 24
Hoa. So, so : what suitors has she ?
Mon, There lies the comfort, sir ; the report of her is
yet but a whisper ; and only solicited by young riotous
Witgood, nephew to. your mortal adversary.
Hoa. Ha ! art certain he's her suitor ?
Mon, Most certain, sir ; and his uncle very industrious
to beguile the widow, and make up the match. 31
Hoa. So : very good
Mon, Now, sir, you know this young Witgood is a
spendthrift, dissolute fellow.
Hoa, A very rascal.
Mon, A midnight surfeiter.
Hoa, The spume of a brothel-house.
Mon. True, sir; which being well told in your wor-
ship's phrase, may both heave him out of her mind, and
drive a fair way for me to the widow's affections. 40
Hoa, Attend me about five.
Mon. With my best care, sir. \Exii.
Hoa, Fool, thou hast left thy treasure with a thief,
To trust a widower with a suit in love 1
Happy revenge, I hug thee ! I have not only the means
laid before me, extremely to cross my adversary, and
confound the last hopes of his nephew, but thereby to
enrich my state, augment my revenues, and build mine
own fortunes greater : ha, ha !
I'll mar your phrase, o'ertum your flatteries,
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 285
Undo your windings, policies, and plots, 50
Fall like a secret and despatchful plague
On your secured comforts. Why, I am able
To buy three of Lucre ; thrice outbid him,
Let my out-monies be reckoned and all.
Enter three o/WnGOOD's Creditors.
First C. I am glad of this news.
Sec. C. So are we, by my faith.
Third C. Young Witgood will be a gallant again
now.
Ifoa. Peace. [Listening.
First C. I promise you, master Cockpit, she's a mighty
rich widow. 6i
Sec. C. Why, have you ever heard of her ?
First C. Who ? widow Medler ? she lies open to much
rumour.
Third C. Four hundred a-year, they say, in very good
land.
First C. Nay, take*t of my word, if you believe that,
you believe the least.
Sec. C. And to see how close he keeps it !
First C. O, sir, there's policy in that, to prevent better
suitors. 71
Third C. He owes me a hundred pound, and I pro-
test I ne'er looked for a penny.
First C. He little dreams of our coming ; he'll wonder
to see his creditors upon him.
[Exeunt Creditors.
286 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act il
Hoa, Good, his creditors : I'll follow. This makes
for me :
All know the widow's wealth ; and 'tis well known
I can estate her fairly, ay, and will.
In this one chance shines a twice happy fate ;
I both deject my foe and raise my state. \Exit. go
( 287 )
ACT III.
SCENE I.
Witgood's Lodging,
Enter Witgood and three Creditors.
Wit, Why, alas, my creditors, could you find no other
time to undo me but now ? rather your malice appears in
this than the justness of the debt.
First C. Master Witgood, I have forborne my money
long.
Wit. I pray, speak low, sir : what do you mean ?
Sec. C. We hear you are to be married suddenly to a
rich country widow.
Wit. What can be kept so close but you creditors
hear on*t ! well, 'tis a lamentable state, that our chiefest
afflictors should first hear of our fortunes. Why, this is
no good course, i'faith, sirs : if ever you have hope to be
satisfied, why do you seek to confound the means that
should work it ? there's neither piety, no, nor policy in
that. Shine favourably now : why, I may rise and spread
again, to your great comforts. i6
First C. He says true, i'faith.
288 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actul
Wit Remove me ^ now, and I consmne for ever.
Su, C. Sweet gentleman !
Wit How can it thrive which from the son you
sever?
Third C, It cannot, indeed.
Wit O, then, show patience ! I shall have enough
To satisfy you all.
First C. Ay, if we could
Be content, a shame take us !
Wit. For, look you ;
I am but newly sure * yet to the widow.
And what a rend might this discredit make !
Within these three days will I bind you lands
For your securities.
First C, No, good master Witgood :
Would 'twere as much as we dare trust you with !
Wit. I know you have been kind ; however, now, 30
Either by wrong report or false incitement.
Your gentleness is injured : in such
A state as this a man cannot want foes.
If on the sudden he begin to rise,
No man that lives can count his enemies.
You had some intelligence, I warrant ye.
From an ill-wilier.
Sec. C, Faith, we heard you brought up a rich widow,
sir, and were suddenly to marry her.
1 " This and the -next speech of Witgood's form a coaplet, and are, I
am inclined to think, a quotation." — Editor of 1Q16.
< Affianced. — ' ' Accordailles. The betrothing or making sure of a man
and woman together."— CV?/^rtft^
SCENE!.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 289
Wit Ay, why there it was : I knew 'twas so : but since
you are so well resolved ^ of my faith toward you, let me
be so much favoured of you, I beseech you all 42
AIL O, it shall not need, i'faith, sir !
Wit As to lie still awhile, and bury my debts in
silence, till I be fully possessed of the widow ; for the
truth is — I may tell you as my friends
AIL O, O, O !
Wit I am to raise a little money in the city, toward
the setting forth of myself, for mine own credit and your
comfort ; if my former debts should be divulged, all hope
of my proceedings were quite extinguished. 51
First (7. Do you hear, sir ? I may deserve your custom
hereafter; pray, let my money be accepted before a
stranger's : here's forty pound I received as I came to you ;
if that may stand you in any stead, make use on't \Offers
hint money ^ which he at first declines?^ Nay, pray, sir;
'tis at your service. \Aside to Witgood.
Wit. You do so ravish me with kindness, that
I am constrain'd to play the maid, and take it
First C, Let none of them see it, I beseech you.
Wit Faugh! 60
First C, I hope I shall be first in your remembrance
After the marriage rites.
Wit Believe it firmly.
First C, So. — What, do you walk, sirs ?
Sec. C, I go. — Take no care, sir, for money to furnish
you ; within this hour I'll send you sufficient [Aside to
^ Convinced.
VOL. II.
290 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [acthi.
WiTGOOD.] — Come, master Cockpit, we both stay for
you.
Third C. I ha' lost a ring, i'faith ; I'll follow you
presently \eo:eunt First and Second Creditors] — but you
shall find it, sir ; I know your youth and expenses have
disfumished you of all jewels : there's a ruby of twenty
pound price, sir ; bestow it upon your widow. \Pffers
him the ring, which he at first declines^ — What, man !
'twill call up her blood to you ; beside, if I might so much
work with you, I would not have you beholding to those
bloodsuckers for any money. 76
Wit. Not I, believe it
Third C. They're a brace of cut-throats.
Wit. I know 'em.
Third C. Send a note of all your wants to my shop,
and I'll supply you instantly.
Wit, Say you so ? why, here's my hand then, no man
living shall do't but thyself.
Third C. Shall I carry it away from 'em both, then?
Wit I'faith, Shalt thou.
Third C, Troth, then, I thank you, sir. 86
Wit Welcome, good master Cockpit [Exit Third
Creditor.] — Ha, ha, ha ! why, is not this better now than
lying a-bed? I perceive there's nothing conjures up wit
sooner than poverty, and nothing lays it down sooner
than wealth and lechery : this has some savour yet
that I had the mortgage firom mine uncle as sure in
possession as these trifles ! I would forswear brothel at
noonday, and muscadine ^ and eggs at midnight.
1 A rich, sweet-smelling wine. The mixture of muscadine and eggs
was taken as an aphrodisiac.
SCENE 1.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 291
Court, \wHhin\, Master Witgood, where are you ?
Wit. HoUal 96
Enter Courtesan.
Court. Rich news ?
Wit. Would 'twere all in plate !
Court. There's some in chains and jewels : I am so
haunted with suitors, master Witgood, I know not which
to despatch first.
Wit. You have the better term,^ by my faith.
Court. Among the number
One master Hoard, an ancient gentleman.
Wit. Upon my life, my uncle's adversary.
Court. It may well hold so, for he rails on you,
Speaks shamefully of him.
Wit. As I could wish it
Court. I first denied him, but so cunningly.
It rather promis'd him assured hopes,
Than any loss of labour.
Wit. Excellent! no
Court. I expect him every hour with gentlemen,
With whom he labours to make good his words.
To approve you riotous, your state consumed.
Your uncle
Wit. Wench, make up thy own fortunes now; do
thyself a good turn once in thy days : he's rich in money,
movables, and lands ; marry him : he's an old doating
1 Profligate persons [tenners, as they were called) resorted to the
metropolis in term-time. Witgood is playing on the word suitors.
292 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [acthl
fool, and that's worth all ; marry him : 'twould be a great
comfort to me to see thee do well, i'faith ; marry him :
'twould ease my conscience well to see thee well bestowed;
I have a care of thee, i'faith. 121
Court. Thanks, sweet master Witgood.
Wit I reach at farther happiness : first, I am sure it
can be no harm to thee, and there may happen goodness
to me by it : prosecute it well; let's send up for our wits,
now we require their best and most pregnant assistance.
CourU Step in, I think I hear 'em. \ExeunU
Enter Hoard and Gentlemen, with the Host as Servant
Hoa. Art thou the widow's man ? by my faith, sh'as a
company of proper men then.
Host. I am the worst of six, sir ; good enough for blue 1
coats. 131
Hoa, Hark hither : I hear say thou art in most credit
with her.
Host, Not so, sir.
Hoa, Come, come, thou'rt modest : there's a brace of
royals ; ^ prithee, help me to th' speech of her.
\Gives him money.
Host I'll do what I may, sir, always saving myself
harmless.
Hoa, Go to, do't, I say ; thou shalt hear better from
me. 140
Host, Is not this a better place than five mark a-year
1 See note 2, p. 273.
3 Gold pieces worth fifteen shillings.
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 293
standing wages? Say a man had but three such clients
in a day, methinks he might make a poor living on't ;
beside, I was never brought up with so little honesty to
refuse any man's money ; never : what gulls there are a'
this side the world ! now know I the widow's mind ; none
but my young master comes in her clutches : ha, ha, ha !
\Aside^ and exit.
Jloa. Now, my dear gentlemen, stand firmly to me ;
You know his follies and my worth.
First G, We do, sir.
Sec. G. But, master Hoard, are you sure he is not i*
th' house now? 151
Hoa. Upon my honesty, I chose this time
A' purpose, fit : the spendthrift is abroad :
Assist me ; here she comes.
Enter Courtesan.
Now, my sweet widow.
Court. You're welcome, master Hoard.
Hoa. Despatch, sweet gentlemen, despatch. —
I am come, widow, to prove those my words
Neither of envy sprung nor of false tongues,
But such as their ^ deserts and actions
Do merit and bring forth ; all which these gentlemen.
Well known, and better reputed, will confess. 161
Court. I cannot tell
How my affections may dispose of me ;
But surely if they find him so desertless,
1 Lucre's and Witgood's.
294 -^ Trick to Catch the Old One. [act hl
They'll have that reason to withdraw themselves :
And therefore, gentlemen, I do entreat you,
As you are fair in reputation
And in appearing form, so shine in truth :
I am a widow, and, alas, you know.
Soon overthrown ! 'tis a very small thing 170
That we withstand, our weakness is so great :
Be partial unto neither, but deliver.
Without affection, your opinion.
Hoa, And that will drive it home.
Court Nay, I beseech your silence, roaster Hoard ;
You are a party.
Hoa. Widow, not a word.
First G. The better first to work you to belief.
Know neither of us owe him flattery,
Nor t'other malice ; but unbribed censure,^
So help us our best fortunes ! *
Court. It suffices. 180
JFirst G. That Witgood is a riotous, undone man,
Imperfect both in fame and in estate,
His debts wealthier than he, and executions
In wait for his due body, we'll maintain
With our best credit and our dearest blood.
Court, Nor land nor living, say you? Pray, take
heed
You do not wrong the gentleman.
1 Judgment.
3 "The declaration of this gentleman somewhat resembles the oath
taken by grand jurymen respecting their presentations, and was probably
formed on that model." — Editor o/i%i6.
i
I
I
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 295
Firsi G. What we speak
Our lives and means are ready to make good.
Court. Alas, how soon are we poor souls beguil'd !
Sec. G. And for his uncle
Hoa. Let that come to me. 190
His uncle['s] a severe extortioner ;
A tyrant at a forfeiture ; greedy of others'
Miseries ; one that would undo his brother,
Nay, swallow up his father, if he can.
Within the fathoms of his conscience.
First G. Nay, believe it, widow.
You had not only match'd yourself to wants,
But in an evil and unnatural stock.
Hba, Follow hard, gentlemen, follow hard.
[Aside to Gent.
Court. Is my love so deceived ? Before you all
I do renounce him ; on my knees I vow [Kneelifig. 201
He ne'er shall marry me.
Wit. [looking in]. Heaven knows he never meant it !
[Aside.
Hoa. There take her at the bound.
[Aside to Gent
First G. Then, with a new and pure affection ,
Behold yon gentleman ; grave, kind, and rich,
A match worthy yourself: esteeming him.
You do regard your state.
Hoa. I'll make her a jointure, say.
{[Aside to Gent
First G. He can join land to land, and will possess you
Of what you can desire.
296 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [Acrm.
Sec, G, Come, widow, come. 210
Court. The world is so deceitful !
Firit G. There 'tis deceitful,
Where flattery, want, and imperfection lies ;
But none of these in him : push ! ^
Court, Pray, sir
First G. Come, you widows are ever most backward
when you should do yourselves most good ; but were it
to marry a chin not worth a hair now, then you would
be forward enough. Come, clap hands, a match.
Hoc^ With all my heart, widow. [Hoard ^z«^ Cour-
tesan shake hands.] — ^Thanks, gentlemen :
I will deserve your labour, and [to Courtesan] thy love.
Court. Alas, you love not widows but for wealth!
I promise you I ha' nothing, sir.
Hoa, Well said, widow, 222
Well said ; thy love is all I seek, before
These gentlemen.
Court. Now I must hope the best.
Hoa. My joys are such they want to be expressed.
Court. But, master Hoard, one thing I must remember
you of, before these gentlemen, your friends : how shall
I suddenly avoid the loathed soliciting of that perjured
Witgood, and his tedious, dissembling uncle ? who this
very day hath appointed a meeting for the same purpose
too ; where, had not truth come forth, I had been undone,
utterly undone ! 232
Ifoa. What think you of that, gentlemen ?
iPish.
SCENE I.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 297
First G, 'Twas well devised.
Hoa, Hark thee, widow: train out young Witgood
single ; hasten him thither with thee, somewhat before
the hour; where, at the place appointed, these gentle-
men and myself will wait the opportunity, when, by some
slight removing him from thee, we'll suddenly enter and
surprise thee, carry thee away by boat to Cole-Harbour,^
have a priest ready, and there clap it up instantly. How
likest it, widow ? 242
Court. In that it pleaseth you, it likes me well.
Hoa. ril kiss thee for those words. \Kisses her!\ —
Come, gentlemen.
Still must I live a suitor to your favours.
Still to your aid beholding.
First G. We're engag'd, sir ;
'Tis for our credits now to see't well ended.
Hoa, 'Tis for your honours, gentlemen ; nay, look to't.
Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel :
No more sweet widow, but, sweet wife, farewell 250
Court. Farewell, sir. [Exeunt Hoard and Gentlemen.
Re-enter Witgood.
Wit. O for more scope ! I could laugh eternally !
Give you joy, mistress Hoard, I promise your fortune
was good, forsooth; youVe fell upon wealth enough,
and there's young gentlemen enow can help you to the
rest Now it requires our wits : carry thyself but heed-
fully now, and we are both
1 See note 2, p. 277.
298 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act hl
Re-tnter Host
Host, Master Witgood, your unde.
Wit, Cuds me ! remove thyself awhile ; 111 serve for
him. [Exmnt Courtesan and Host 260
Ent^r Lucre.
Zuc, Nephew, good morrow, nephew.
IVit. The same to you, kind uncle.
Zuc. How fares the widow ? does the meeting hold ?
IVi't, O, no question of that, sir.
Zu^, I'll strike the stroke, then, for thee ; no more
days.^
IVit. The sooner the better, uncle. O, she's mightily
followed !
Zu^, And yet so little rumoured !
Wit, Mightily: here comes one old gentleman, and
he'll make her a jointure of three hundred a year, for-
sooth ; another wealthy suitor will estate his son in his
lifetime, and make him weigh down the widow ; here a
merchant's son will possess her with no less than three
goodly lordships at once, which were all pawns to his
father. 275
Zuc, Peace, nephew, let me hear no more of 'em;
it mads me. Thou shalt prevent* 'em alL No words
to the widow of my coming hither. Let me see —
1 The editor of 1816 reads '* dela3rs ; " but the correction is not needed.
Lucre is employing usurers' language. A borrower who found himself
at the stipulated time unable to pay his debts would crave for " further
day" (or '* longer day "), i,e, a postponement of the settlement.
> Anticipate.
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 299
'tis now upon nine : before twelve, nephew, we will have
the bargain struck, we will, faith, boy. 280
Wit, O, my precious uncle ! \Exeunt
SCENE II.
A Room in Hoard's House.
Enter Hoard and Joyce.
Hoa, Niece, sweet niece, prithee, have a care to my
house; I leave all to thy discretion. Be content to
dream awhile ; I'll have a husband for thee shortly : put
that care upon me, wench, for in choosing wives and
husbands I am only fortunate; I have that gift given
me. \E3cit.
Joy. But 'tis not likely you should choose for me,
Since nephew to your chiefest enemy
Is he whom I affect : but, O, forgetful !
Why dost thou flatter thy affections so, 10
With name of him that for a widow's bed
Neglects thy purer love ? Can it be so,
Or does report dissemble ?
Enter George.
How now, sir ?
Geo, A letter, with which came a private charge.
Joy, Therein I thank your care. \Exit George.
— I know this hand —
\Reads^ Dearer than sights what the world reports of me,
yet believe not ; rumour will alter shortly : be thou constant ;
300 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act m.
/ am still the same that I was in love^ and I hope to he the
same in fortunes. Theodorus Witgood.
I am resolv'd : ^ no more shall fear or doubt
Raise their pale powers to keep affection out. \Exit, 21
SCENE III.
A Tavern.
Enter Hoard, Gentlemen, and Drawer.
Dra. You're very welcome, gentlemen. — Dick, show
those gentlemen the Pomegranate there.
Hoa. Hist!
Dra. Up those stairs, gentlemen.
Hoa, Pist,* drawer !
Dra, Anon, sir.
Hoa. Prithee, ask at the bar if a gentlewoman came
not in lately.
Dra. William, at the bar, did you see any gentle-
woman come in lately ? Speak you ay, speak you no. 10
[ Within^ No, none came in yet, but mistress Florence.
Dra. He says none came in yet, sir, but one mistress
Florence.
Hoa. What is that Florence ? a widow ?
Dra. Yes, a Dutch * widow.
Hoa. How?
1 Convinced. > 2 Ed. 2, ** Hist."
» Cant term for a whore.
SCENE III.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 301
Dra, That's an English drab, sir : give your worship
good morrow. \Exit
Hoa, A merry knave, i'faith ! I shall remember a
Dutch widow the longest day of my life. 20
jFtrs^ G. Did not I use most art to win the widow ?
Sec. G, You shall pardon me for that, sir; master
Hoard knows I took her at best Vantage.
Hba, What's that, sweet gentlemen, what's that ?
Sec, G. He will needs bear me down, that his art only
wrought with the widow most.
Hoa. O, you did both well, gentlemen, you did both
well, I thank you.
First G. I was the first that moved her.
Hoa. You were, i'faith.
Sec. G. But it was I that took her at the bound. 30
Hoa. Ay, that was you : faith, gentlemen, 'tis right.
Third G. I boasted least, but 'twas I join'd their
hands.
• Hoa. By th' mass, I think he did : you did all well,
Gentlemen, you did all well ; contend no more.
First G. Come, yon room's fittest.
Hoa. True, 'tis next the door. \Exeunt.
Enter Witgood, Courtesan, Host, and Drawer.
Dra. You're very welcome: please you to walk up
stairs ; cloth's laid, sir.
Court. Up stairs? troth, I am very^ weary, master
Witgood.
1 So ed. 2.--Not in ed. i.
302 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act m.
Wit Rest yourself here awhile, widow ; well have a
cup of muscadine in this little room. 41
Dra, A cup of muscadine ? You shall have the best,
sir.
Wit, But, do you hear, sirrah ?
Dra. Do you call ? anon, sir.
Wit What is there provided for dinner ?
Dra, I cannot readily tell you, sir : if you please you
may go into the kitchen and see yourself, sir ; many
gentlemen of worship do use to do it, I assure you, sir.
\Exit
Host A pretty familiar, prigging ^ rascal ; he has his
part without book. 51
Wit Against you are ready to drink to me, widow,
I'll be present to pledge you.
Court Nay, I commend your care, 'tis done well of
you. \Exit WiTGOOD.] — 'Las,^ what have I forgot \
Host What, mistress ?
Court, I slipt my wedding-ring oflf when I washed, and
left it at my lodging : prithee, run ; I shall be sad with-
out it. \Exit Host] — So, he's gone. Boy.
Enter Boy.
Boy, Anon, forsooth. 60
Court, Come hither, sirrah : learn secretly if one
master Hoard, an ancient gentleman, be about house.
Boy, I heard such a one named.
Court, Commend me to him.
1 ^^ Priggirifr is used in this passage merely as a jocular term of
reproach."— Z?x^tf. > Old eds. " asse."
SCENE III.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 303
Re-enier Hoard and Gentlemen.
Hoa, Ay, boy,^ do thy commendations.
Court, O, you come well : away, to boat, begone.
Hoa, Thus wise men are reveng'd, give two for one.
\Exeunt,
Re-enter Witgood and Vintner.
Wit. I must request
You, sir, to show extraordinary care :
My uncle comes with gentlemen, his friends, 70
And 'tis upon a making. 2
Vin. Is it so ?
I'll give a special charge, good master Witgood.
May I be bold to see her ?
Wit. Who ? [t]he widow ?
With all my heart, i'faith, I'll bring you to her.
Vin. If she be a Staffordshire gentlewoman, 'tis much
if I know her not
Wit. How now ? boy ! drawer !
Vin. Hie!
Re-enter Boy.
Boy. Do you call, sir ?
Wit. Went the gentlewoman up that was here ? 80
Boy. Up, sir ? she went out, sir.
Wit. Out, sir?
Boy. Out, sir : one master Hoard, with a guard of
1 Oldeds. "I bee."
3 " i,e. matching : in our early writers make is often used for mate."
— Dyce,
304 A Truk to Catch the Old One. f [act in.
gentlemen, carried her out at back door, a pretty while
since, sir.
Wit, Hoard ? death and darkness ! Hoard ?
Re-enter Host.
Host, The devil of ring I can find.
Wit, How now ? what news ? where's the widow ?
Host, My mistress? is she not here, sir?
Wit, More madness yet ! 90
Host, She sent me for a ring.
Wit, A plot, a plot ! — ^To boat ! she's stole away.
Host. What?
Enter Lucre and Gentlemen.
Wit, Follow! inquire old Hoard, my uncle's adversary.
\jExii Host
Luc, Nephew, what's that ?
Wit, Thrice-miserable wretch !
Luc, Why, what's the matter ?
Vin, The widow's borne away, sir.
Luc, Ha ? passion of me ! — ^A heavy welcome, gentle-
men.
First G. The widow gone ?
Luc, Who durst attempt it ?
Wit, Who but old Hoard, my uncle's adversary? 100
Luc, How?
Wit. With his confederates.
Luc. Hoard, my deadly enemy ? — Gentlemen, stand to
me,
I will not bear it ; 'tis in hate of me ;
SCENE III.] A Trick to Catch the Old One, 305
That villain seeks my shame, nay, thirsts my blood ;
He owes me mortal malice.
I'll spend my wealth on this despiteful plot,
Ere he shall cross me and my nephew thus.
Wit So maliciously !
Re-enter Host.
Luc, How now, you treacherous rascal ? no
Host That's none of my name, sir.
Wit Poor soul, he knew not on't 1
Luc, I'm sorry. I see then 'twas a piere plot.
Host I trac'd 'em nearly
Luc> Well ?
Host And hear for certain
They have took Cole-Harbour.^
Luc. The devil's sanctuary !
They shall not rest ; I'll pluck her from his arms. —
Kind and dear gentlemen,
If ever I had seat within your breasts
First G, No more, good sir ; it is a wrong to us
To see you injur'd : in a cause so just 120
We'll spend our lives but we will right our friends.
Luc. Honest and kind ! come, we've delayed too long :
Nephew, take comfort ; a just cause is strong.
Wit. That's all my comfort, uncle. \Exeunt all but
WiTGOOD.] Ha, ha, ha !
Now may events fall luckily and well :
He that ne'er strives, says wit, shall ne'er excel. \Exit,
1 So ed. I.— Ed. 2 " Witr * Sec note 2, p. 277.
VOL, II. U
3o6 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act m.
SCENE IV.
A Room in Dampit's House.
Enter Dampit, drunk.
Dam. \Vheii did I say my prayers? In anno 88,
when the great armada was coming ; and in anno 89,^
when the great thundering and lightning was, I prayed
heartily then, i'faith, to overthrow Poovies' new buildings ;
I kneeled by my great iron chest, I remember.
Enter Audrey.
Au(L Master Dampit, one may hear you before they
see you : you keep sweet hours, master Dampit ; we
were all a-bed three hours ago.
Dam. Audrey?
Aud. O, you're a fine gentleman ! 10
Dam. So I am, i'faith, and a fine scholar : do you use
to go to bed so early, Audrey?
Aud. Call you this early, master Dampit ?
Dam. Why, is't not one of clock i' th' morning ? is not
that early enough ? fetch me a glass of fresh beer.
Aud. Here, I have warmed your nightcap for you,
master Dampit
1 '' Both the quartos read ' 99 ; * but Stow does not mention any ivv^
great storm in that year, although he has noticed one or two ; whereas
in the year 1589, he observes, that on ' the zst August, at night, was the
greatest lightning and thunder that had, at anytime, bin seeneor beard
about London in the memory of any man living ; and yet, thankes bq
given to God, little hurt heard of.' ^—Editor e^i8i6.
SCENE IV] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 307
Dam, Draw it on then. I am very weak truly : I
have not eaten so much as the bulk of an egg these
three days. 30
Aud. You have drunk the more, master Dampit
Dam, What's that ?
Aud, You mought, and ^ you would, master Dampit
Dam, I answer you, I cannot : hold your prating ;
you prate too much, and understand too little : are you
answered ? Give me a glass of beer.
Aud, May I ask you how you do, master Dampit ?
Dam, How do I ? i'faith, naught.
Aud, I ne'er knew you do otherwise.
Dam, I eat not one pen'north of bread these two
years. Give me a glass of fresh beer. I am not sick,
nor I am not well. 32
Aud, Take this warm napkin about your neck, sir,
whilst I help to make you unready.^
Dam, How now, Audrey - prater, with your scurvy
devices, what say you now ?
Aud, What say I, master Dampit? I say nothing,
but that you are very weak.
Dam, Faith, thou hast more cony-catching * devices
than all London. 40
Aud, Why, master Dampit, I never deceived you in
all my life.
Dam, Why was that ? because I never did trust thee,
Aud, I care not what you say, master Dampit
1 ''Mought, and** = might, if. > Undress you.
s Sharping.
3o8 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act hl
Dam. Hold thy prating: I answer thee, thou art a
beggar, a quean, and a bawd : are you answered ?
Aud. Fie, roaster Dampit ! a gentleman, and have
such words ?
Dam, Why, thou base drudge of infortunity, thou
kitchen-stuff-drab of beggary, roguery, and cockscombry,
thou cavemesed quean of foolery, knavery, and bawd-
reaminy, I'll tell thee what, I will not give a louse for
thy fortunes. 53
And. No, master Dampit? and there's a gentleman
comes a-wooing to me, and he doubts ^ nothing but that
you will get roe from him.
Dam. I ? If I would either have thee or lie with
thee for two thousand pound, would I might be damned !
why, thou base, impudent quean of foolery, flattery, and
coxcombry, are you answered ? 60
Aud, Come, will you rise and go to bed, sir ?
Dam. Rise, and go to bed too, Audrey ? How does
mistress Proserpine ?
And. Foohl
Dam, She's as fine a philosopher of a stinkard's wife,
as any within the liberties. Faugh, faugh, Audrey !
Aud. How now, master Dampit ?
Dam. Fie upon't, what a choice of stinks here is !
what hast thou done, Audrey ? fie upon't, here's a choice
of stinks indeed ! Give me a glass of fresh beer, and
then I will to bed. ;i
Aud It waits for you above, sir.
1 Fears.
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One, 309
Dam, Foh ! I think they burn horns in Barnard's Inn.
If ever I smelt such an abominable stink, usury forsake
me. \Exit
Aud, They be the stinking nails of his trampling feet,
and he talks ol burning of horns. [Exit
( 3IO )
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
An Apartment at Cole-Harbour}
Enter Hoard^ Courtesan, Lamprey, Spichcock, and
Gentlemen.
First G, Join hearts, join hands.
In wedlock's bands.
Never to part
Till death cleave your heart.
To Hoard.] You shall forsake all other women ;
To Courtesan.] You lords, knights, gentlemen, and
yeomen.
What my tongue slips
Make up with your lips.
Hoa. [kisses her.'] Give you joy, mistress Hoard; let
the kiss come about. [Knoddng.
Who knocks ? Convey my little pig-eater ^ out. lo
Luc. [within.] Hoard !
Ifoa. Upon my life, my adversary, gentlemen !
1 See note 2, p. 277,
* " An odd term of endearment : pigsnie is common enough.''— Z>^
SCENE I] A Trick to Catch the Old One, 311
Luc, [mfhin.] Hoard, open the door, or we will force
it ope :
Give us the widow.
Hoa, Gentlemen, keep 'em out
Zam, He comes upon his death that enters here.
Luc. [within,'] My friends, assist me !
Hoa, He has assistants, gentlemen.
Zam, Tut, nor him nor them we in this action fear.
Luc. [wi/hin,] Shall I, in peace, speak one word with
the widow ?
Court, Husband, and gentlemen, hear me but a word.
Zam, Freely, sweet wife.
Court. Let him in peaceably ; 20
You know we're sure from any act of his.
Hoa, Most true.
Court.^ You may stand by and smile at his old weak-
ness:
Let me alone to answer him.
Hoa, Content;
Twill be good mirth, i'faith. How think you, gentlemen ?
Zam, Good guUery !
Hoa, Upon calm conditions let him in.
Zuc, [within,'] All spite and malice !
Zam, Hear me, master Lucre :
So you will vow a peaceful entrance
With those your friends, and only exercise 30
Calm conference with the widow, without fury.
The passage shall receive you.
1 Olded. ^^Luc,"
312 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act it.
Luc, \tinthin.'\ I do vow it.
lam. Then enter and talk freely : here she stands.
Enter Lucre, Gentlemen, and Host
Luc, O, master Hoard, your spite has watch'd the
hour!
You're excellent at vengeance, master Hoard.
IToa, Ha, ha, ha !
Luc, I am the fool you laugh at :
You are wise, sir, and know the seasons well. —
Come hither, widow : why is it thus ?
O, you have done me infinite disgrace, 40
And your own credit no small injury !
Suffer mine enemy so despitefully
To bear you from my nephew ? O, I had
Rather half my substance had been forfeit
And begg'd by some starv'd rascal !
Court, Why, what would you wish me do, sir ?
I must not overthrow my state for love :
We have too many precedents for that ;
From thousands of our wealthy undone widows
One may derive some wit. I do confess 50
I lov'd your nephew, nay, I did affect him
Against the mind and liking of my friends ; ^
Believ'd his promises ; lay here in hope
Of flattered living, and the boast of lands :
Coming to touch his wealth and state, indeed.
It appears dross ; I find him not the man ;
1 So ed. 2.— Ed. i " fiaend.'
scENK I.] A Truk to Catch the Old One, 313
Imperfect, mean, scarce fumish'd of his needs :
In words, fair lordships ; in performance, hovels :
Can any woman love the thing that is not ?
Luc. Broke you for this ?
Court, Was it not cause too much? 60
Send to inquire his state : most part of it
Lay two years mortgag'd in his uncle's hands.
Luc, Why, say it did, you might have known my
mind:
I could have soon restored it.
Court, Ay, had I but seen any such thing performed,
Why, 'twould have tied my affection, and contained
Me in my first desires : do you think, i'faith,
That I could twine such a dry oak as this,
Had promise in your nephew took effect ?
Luc. Why, and there's no time past; and rather
than 70
My adversary should thus thwart my hopes,
I would
Court, Tut, you've been ever full of golden speech :
If words were lands, your nephew would be rich.
Luc, Widow, believe't, I vow by my best bliss,
Before these gentlemen, I will give in
The mortgage to my nephew instantly,
Before I sleep or eat.
First G, [friend to Lucre.] We'll pawn our credits,
Widow, what he speaks shall be perform'd
In fulness.
Luc, Nay, more ; I will estate him 80
In farther blessings ; he shall be my heir ;
314 -^ Trick to Catch the Old One. [act iv.
I have no son ;
I'll bind myself to that condition.
Court, When I shall hear this done, I shall soon yield
To reasonable terms.
Luc In the mean season,
Will you protest, before these gentlemen,
To keep yourself as you're now at this present ?
Court, I do protest, before these gentlemen,
I will be as clear then as I am now.
Luc, I do believe you. Here's your own honest
servant, 90
ril take him along with me.
Court, Ay, with all my heart
Luc, He shall see all performed, and bring you word.
Court, That's all I wait for.
Hoa, What, have you finished, master Lucre ? ha, ha,
ha, ha !
Luc, So laugh, Hoard, laugh at your poor enemy, do ;
The wind may turn, you may be laugh'd at too ;
Yes, marry may you, sir. — Ha, ha, ha !
\Exeunt Lucre, Gentlemen, and Host.
Hoa, Ha, ha, ha ! if every man that swells in malice
Could be reveng'd as happily as I, 100
He would choose hate, and forswear amity. —
What did he say, wife, prithee ?
Court Faith, spoke to ease his mind.
Hoa, 0,0,0!
Court, You know now little to any purpose.
Hoa, True, true, true !
Court, He would do mountains now.
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 315
Hoa, Ay, ay, ay, ay.
Lam, You've struck him dead, master Hoard.
Spi, And ^ his nephew desperate.
Hoa, I know't, sirs, I.
Never did man so crush his enemy. \Exeunt. m
SCENE II.
A Roam in Lucre's House,
Enter Lucre, Gentlemen, and Host, meeting Freedom.
Luc, My son-in-law, Sam Freedom, where's my
nephew ?
Free, O man in tamentation?' father.
Luc, How 1
Free, He thumps his breast like a gallant dicer that has
lost his doublet, and stands in's shirt to do penance.
Luc, Alas, poor gentleman !
Free, I warrant you may hear him sigh in a still
evening to your house at Highgate.
Luc, I prithee, send him in.
Free, Were it to do a greater matter, I will not stick
with you, sir, in regard you married my mother. \Exit, 1 1
Luc, Sweet gentlemen, cheer him up ; I will but fetch
the mortgage and return to you instantly.
1 So ed. 2.-Ed. i •• I [ay] and."
3 "O man in desperation" is an old tune mentioned in Nashe's
Summer's Last Will and Testament (Hazlitt's Dodsley, viiL 51) and
Peele*s The Old Wives* Tale, See also Ebsworth's Roxburghe Ballads^
>v. 365. 468.
3i6 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actit.
First G. We'll do our best, sir. {Exit Lucre.]—
See where he comes,
E'en joyless and regardless of all form.
Enter YfiTGOOD. .
Sec G, Why, how now,* master Witgood ? Fie ! you a
firm scholar, and an understanding gentleman, and give
your best parts to passion ? ^
First G. Come, fie fie I »
Wit. O, gentlemen 20
First G. Sorrow of me, what a sigh was there, sir !
Nine such widows are not worth it
Wit. To be borne from me by that lecher Hoard !
First G. That vengeance is your uncle's ; being done
«
More in despite to him than wrong to you :
But we bring comfort now.
Wit. I beseech you, gentlemen
Sec. G. Cheer thyself, man; there's hope of her, i'faith
Wit. Too gladsome to be true.
Re-enter Lucre.
Luc. Nephew, what cheer ?
Alas, poor gentleman, how art thou chang'd !
Call thy fresh blood into thy cheeks again : 30
She comes.
Wit. Nothing afflicts me so much,
But that it is your adversary, uncle.
And merely plotted in despite of you.
1 So ed. 2, — Omitted in ed. i, » Sorrow.
» So cd. 2.— Ed. I "Come, fie !»•
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 3 1 7
Luc. Ay, that's it mads me, spites me ! I'll spend my
wealth ere he shall carry her so, because I know 'tis only
to spite me. Ay, this is it Here, nephew [giving a paper\
before these kind gentlemen, I deliver in your mortgage,
my promise to the widow ; see, 'tis done : be wise, you're
once more master of your own. The widow shall per-
ceive now you are not altogether such a beggar as the
world reputes you ; you can make shift to bring her to
three hundred a-year, sir. 43
First G. Byrlady,^ and that's no toy, sir.
Luc A word, nephew.
First G, [to Host] Now you may certify the widow.
Zuc You must conceive it aright, nephew, now ;
To do you good I am content to do this.
IVit. I know it, sir.
Zuc. But your own conscience can tell I had it 50
Dearly enough of you.
JVit, Ay, that's most certain.
Zuc. Much money laid out, beside many a journey
To fetch the rent ; I hope you'll think on't, nephew.
IVit. I were worse than a beast else, i'faith.
Zuc. Although to blind the widow and the world,
I out of policy do't, yet there's a conscience, nephew.
JVit. Heaven forbid else !
Zuc. When you are full possessed,
Tis nothing to return it
Wit. Alas, a thing quickly done, uncle !
Zuc. Well said ! you know I give it you but in trust 60
1 By our Lady.
3x8 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act nr.
Wit Pray, let me understand you rightly, uncle :
You give it me but in trust ?
Lmc. No.
Wit That is, you trust me with it ?
Luc, True, true.
Wit But if ever I trust you with it again,
Would I might be truss'd up ^ for my labour ! [Aside,
Luc. You can all witness, gentlemen; and you, sir
yeoman ? 69
Host My life for yours, sir, now, I know my mistress's
mind so * well toward your nephew, let things be in pre-
paration, and I'll train her hither in most excellent fashion.
[Exit
Luc. A good old boy \ — ^Wife ! Jenny !
Enter Mistress Lucre.
Mis. L. What's the news, sir?
Luc. The wedding-day's at hand : prithee, sweet wife,
express thy housewifery; thou'rt a fine cook, I know't;
thy first husband married thee out of an alderman's
kitchen ; go to, he raised thee for raising of paste.
What ! here's none but friends ; most of our beginnings
must be winked at — Gentlemen, I invite you all to my
nephew's wedding against Thursday morning. 81
First G. With all our hearts, and we shall joy to see
Your enemy so mock'd.
1 " Brome has the same poor play on words :
•When Lodovico
Does not prove trusHe^ then let me be trussed,'
The Queen and Concubine, p. To6,'~Five New Playes, x6$Q*^Dyce.
« Ed. I "to."— Ed. a "too."
SCENE III.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 319
Luc. He laugh'd at me, gentlemen ; ha, ha, ha !
\Exeunt all but Witgood.
WiL He has no conscience, faith, would laugh at them :
They laugh at one another ;
Who then can be so crael ? troth, not I \
I rather pity now, than ought envy ?^
I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness,
I have no leisure yet to laugh at their follies. 90
Thou soul of my estate, I kiss thee ! \To the mortgage.
I miss life's comfort when I miss thee ;
O, never will we part agen.
Until I leave the sight of men !
We'll ne'er trust conscience of our kin.
Since cozenage brings that title in. \Exit.
SCENE III.
A Street.
Enter three Creditors.
First C. I'll wait these seven hours but I'll see him
caught
Sec. C. Faith, so will I.
Third C. Hang him, prodigal ! he's strip t of the widow.
First C. A' my troth, she's the wiser \ she has made
the happier choice : and I wonder of what stuff those
widows' hearts are made of, that will marry unfledged
boys before comely thrum-chinned * gentlemen.
^ Bear malice.
s Rough-chinned. See note 4. vol. i. p. 23a.
320 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [activ.
Enter Boy.
Boy. News, news, news !
First C. What, boy ?
Boy. The rioter is caught lo
First. C. So, so, so, so I it warms me at the heart ;
I love a' life to see dogs upon men.
O, here he comes.
Enter Sergeants, with Witgood in custody.
Wit. My last joy was so great, it took away the sense
of all future afflictions. What a day is here o'ercast !
how soon a black tempest rises !
First C. O, we may speak with you now, sir ! what's
become of your rich widow? I think you may cast
your cap at the widow, may you not, sir ?
Sec. C. He a rich widow? who, a prodigal, a daily
rioter, and a nightly vomiter ? he a widow of account ?
he a hole ^ i' th' counter. 22
Wit. You do well, my masters, to t3rrannise over
misery, to afflict the afflicted: 'tis a custom you have
here amongst you ; I would wish you never leave it, and
I hope you'll do as I bid you.
First C. Come, come, sir, what say you extempore
now to your bill of a hundred pound? a sweet debt for
froating^ your doublets.
Sec. C. Here's mine of forty. 30
TTiird C. Here's mine of fifty.
1 See note 3, vol. i. p. 192.
2 Perhaps the meaning is fretting^ embroidering, UsuaUy froU =
rub. — '* I think froating means here nothing more than dressing up,
repairing. ' ' — Dyce.
SCENE III.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 321
Wit Pray, sirs, — you'll give me breath ?
First C. No, sir, we'll keep you out of breath still ;
then we shall be sure you will not run away from us.
Wit Will you but hear me speak ?
Sec, C. You shall pardon us for that, sir; we know
you have too fair a tongue of your own ; you overcame
us too lately, a shame take you ! we are like to lose all
that for want of witnesses : we dealt in policy then ;
always when we strive to be most politic we prove most
coxcombs : non plus ultra I perceive by us, we're not
ordained to thrive by wisdom, and therefore we must be
content to be tradesmen. 43
Wit Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I'll
make you ample satisfaction.
First C Do you talk of reasonable time to us ?
Wit, 'Tis true, beasts know no reasonable time.
Sec, C, We must have either money or carcass.
Wit, Alas, what good will my carcass do you ?
Third C, O, 'tis a secret delight we have amongst us !
we that are used to keep birds in cages, have the heart
to keep men in prison, I warrant you. 52
Wit, I perceive I must crave a little more aid from my
wits : do but make shift for me this once, and I'll for-
swear ever to trouble you in the like fashion hereafter ;
I'll have better employment for you, and I live. [Aside,]
— You'll give me leave, my masters, to make trial of my
friends, and raise all means I can ?
First C, That's our desire, sir.
Enter Host.
Host, Master Witgood. 60
VOL. II. X
322 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act iv.
Wit O, art thou come ?
Host, May I speak one word with you in private, sir?
Wit, No, by my faith, canst thou ; I am in hell here,
and the devils will not let me come to thee.
First C. Do you call us devils ? you shall find us
puritans. — Bear him away ; let 'em talk as they go : we'll
not stand to hear 'em. — Ah, sir, am I a devil ? I shall
think the better of myself as long as I live : a devil,
i'faith ? [Exoint,
SCENE IV.
A room in Hoard's House.
Enter Hoard.
Hoa. What a sweet blessing hast thou, master Hoard,
above a multitude ! wilt thou never be thankful ? how
dost thou think to be blest another time ? or dost thou
count this the full measure of thy happiness ? by my troth,
I think thou dost : not only a wife large in possessions,
but spacious in content; she's rich, she's young, she's
fair, she's wise : when I wake, I think of her lands — that
revives me ; when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty—
and that's enough for me : she's worth four hundred a-year
in her wtry smock, if a man knew how to use it But
the journey will be all, in troth, into the country ; to ride
to her lands in state and order following ^ ; my brother,
and other worshipful gentlemen, whose companies I ha'
sent down for already, to ride along with us in their goodly
1 Compare Quooiodo's soliloquy in Michaelmas Term, vol. i. p. 999i
SCENE IV ] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 323
decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, arid chains
of gold twice or thrice double ; against which time I'll
entertain some ten men of mine own into liveries, all of
occupations or qualities ; I will not keep an idle man
about me : the sight of which will so vex my adversary
Lucre — for we'll pass by his door of purpose, make a
little stand for [the] nonce, and have our horses curvet
before the window— certainly he will never endure it, but
run up and hang himself presently. 23
Enter Servant.
How now, sirrah, what news ? any that offer their service
to me yet ?
Ser, Yes, sir, there are some i* th' hall that wait for
your worship's liking, and desire to be entertained.
Hoa, Are they of occupation ?
Ser, They are men fit for your worship, sir.
Hoa, Sayest so? send 'em all in. \Exit Servant] —
To see ten men ride after me in watchet liveries, with
orange-tawny capes,^ — 'twill cut his comb, i'faith. 32
Enter Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and
Huntsman.
How now ? of what occupation are you, sir ?
Tau A tailor, an't please your worship.
Hoa, A tailor ? O, very good : you shall serve to make
all the liveries. — What are you, sir ?
Bar, A barber, sir.
Hoa, A barber ? very needful : you shall shave all the
1 The editor of i8z6 reads " caps."
324 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actiy.
house, and, if need require, stand for a reaper i' th' summer
time. — ^You, sir? 40
Per, A perfumer.
Hoa, I smelt you before : perfumers, of all men, had
need carry themselves uprightly ; for if they were once
knaves, they would be smelt out quickly. — To you, sir?
Fal. A falconer, an't please your worship.
Hoa^ Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho ! — And you, sir ?
Hunt, A huntsman, sir.
Hoa, There, boy, there, boy, there, boy ! I am not
so old but I have pleasant days to come. I promise,
you, my masters, I take such a good liking to you, that
I entertain you all ; I put you already into my countenance,
and you shall be shortly in my livery ; but especially you
two, my jolly falconer and my bonny huntsman ; we shall
have most need of you at my wife's manor-houses i' th'
country ; there's goodly parks and champion ^ grounds for
you ; we shall have all our sports within ourselves ; all
the gentlemen a' th' country shall be beholding to us and
our pastimes. 58
Fal, And we'll make your worship admire, sir.
Hoa, Sayest thou so? do but make me admire, and
thou shall want for nothing. — My tailor.
Tai, Anon, sir.
Hoa, Go presently in hand with the liveries.
Tai, I will, sir.
Hoa, My barber.
Bar, Here, sir.
* The old form of champaign^
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 325
Hoa, Make 'em all trim fellows, louse 'em well, —
especially my huntsman, — and cut all their beards of the
Polonian fashion. — My perfumer.
Per, Under your nose, sir. 70
Hoa. Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away
the scent of my tailor's feet, and my barber's lotium-water.
Per, It shall be carefully performed, sir.
Hoa. But you, my falconer and huntsman, the wel-
comest men alive, i'faith J
Hunt And we'll show you that, sir, shall deserve your
worship's favour.
Hoa, I prithee, show me that. — Go, you knaves all,
and wash your lungs i' th' buttery, go. \Exeunt Tailor,
Barber, 6^r.] — By th' mass, and well remembered ! I'll
ask my wife that question. — Wife, mistress Jane Hoard !
Enter Courtesan, altered in apparel.
Court. Sir, would you with me ? 82
Hoa. I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand
best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here
or i' th' country ?
Court. Hum : — faith, sir, 'twould like me better here ;
here you were married, here let all rites be ended.
Hoa. Could a marquesse^ give a better answer? Hoard,
bear thy head aloft, thou'st a wife will advance it.
Enter Host with a letter.
What haste comes here now ? yea, a letter ? some dreg
of my adversary's malice. Come hither ; what's the news ?
1 Marchioness.
326 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [activ.
Host A thing that concerns my mistress, sir. 92
\Giving a letter to Courtesan.
Hoa, Why then it concerns me, knave.
Host, Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship
mercy) : you are both like to come into trouble, I
promise you, sir ; a pre-contract.^
Ho€L How ? a pre-contract, sayest thou ?
Host, I fear they have too much proof on*t, sir : old
Lucre, he runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast
as he can ; young Witgood laid hold on by his creditors,
he exclaims upon you a' t'other side, says you have
wrought his undoing by the injurious detaining of his
contract. 103
Hoa, Body a' me !
Host, He will have utmost satisfaction ;
The law shall give him recompense, he says.
Court, Alas, his creditors so merciless ! my state
being yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to
further him. \Aside.
Host, True, sir. no
Hoa, Wife, what says that letter ? let me construe iu
Court, Curs'd be my rash and unadvised words !
[ Tears the letter and stamps on it,
I'll set my foot upon my tongue,
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.
Hoa. Wife
Host, A pretty shift, i'faith 1 I commend a woman
i A pre-coDtract of maniage could not be set aside without the mutual
consent of the parties. If the Courtesan bad been pre-contracted to
Witgood, her marriage with Hoard would be invalid. See the subject
discussed in Swinburne's Treatise o/Spousals, 1686.
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 327
when she can make away a letter from her husband
handsomely, and this was cleanly done, by my troth.
\Aside,
Court. I did, sir ;
Some foolish words I must confess did pass, 120
Which now litigiously he fastens on me.
Hoa. Of what force ? let me examine 'em.
Court, Too strong, I fear : would I were well freed of
him !
Hoa, Shall I compound ?
Court, No, sir, I'd have it done some nobler way
Of your side ; Fd have you come off with honour ;
Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not
The means, sir? the occasion's offer'd you.
Hoa. Where ? how, dear wife ? 129
Court. He is now caught by his creditors ; the slave's
needy ; his debts petty ; he'll rather bind himself to all
inconveniences than rot in prison : by this only means
you may get a release from him : 'tis not yet come to
his uncle's hearing \ send speedily for the creditors ; by
this time he's desperate ; he'll set his hand to anything :
take order for his debts, or discharge 'em quite : a pax
on him, let's be rid of a rascal !
Hoa. Excellent 1
Thou dost astonish me. — Go, run, make haste ;
Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither. 140
Host. This will be some revenge yet
\Aside^ and exit,
Hoa. In the mean space I'll have a release drawn. —
Within there 1
328 A Trick to Catch the Old One, [activ.
Enter Servant
Ser. Sir?
Hoa, Sirrah, come take directions ; go to my scrivener.
Court, [aside, while Hoard gives directions to the
Servant] Tm yet like those whose riches lie in dreams,
If I be wak'd, ihtfrt false ; such is my fate,
Who venture * deeper than the desperate state.
Though I have sinn'd, yet could I become new,
For where I once vow, I am ever true. 150
Hoa, K?i2iY, despatch, on my displeasure quickly.
[Exit Servant
Happy occasion I pray heaven he be in the right vein
now to set his hand to't, that nothing alter him ; grant
that all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him
enough !
I pray for him, i'faith, and here he comes.
Enter Witgood and Creditors.
Wit, What would you with me now, my uncle's spite-
ful adversary ?
Jfoa, Nay, I am friends.
Wit. Ay, when your mischief's spent
Jloa, I heard you were arrested.
Wit. Well, what then ? 160
You will pay none of my debts, I am sure.
Ifoa, A wise man cannot tell ;
There may be those conditions 'greed upon
May move me to do much.
Wit. Kjy when? —
Tis thou, perjurM woman ! (O, no name
^ Oldeds. '* ventures.
)•
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 329
Is vild enough to match thy treachery !)
That art the cause of my confusion.
Court, Out, you penurious slave 1
Hoa, Nay, wife, you are too froward ; 170
Let him alone ; give losers leave to talk.
Wit. Shall- 1 remember thee of another promise
Far stronger than the first ?
Court, I'd fain know that.
Wit, 'Twould call shame to thy cheeks.
Court, Shame !
Wit, Hark in your ear. —
Will he come off, think'st thou, and pay my debts \
roundly ?
Court, Doubt nothing; there's a release a-
d rawing and all, to which you must set your hand.
Wit. Excellent!
Court. But methinks, i'faith, you might have
made some shift to discharge this yourself, having
in the mortgage, and never have burdened my
conscience with it
Wit. A' my troth, I could not, for my creditors'
cruelties extend to the present.
Court. No more. — /
Why, do your worst for that, I defy yoa
Wit, You're impudent : I'll call up witnesses. 190
Court. Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted
To follies a long time.
Ifoa. Wife, you're too bitter. —
Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a
mild speech come from me now, and this it is : 't has
I
1
330 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [activ.
been my fortune, gentlemen, to have an extraordinary
blessing poured upon me a' late, and here she stands ; I
have wedded her, and bedded her, and yet she is little
the worse : some foolish words she hath passed to you in
the country, and some peevish ^ debts you owe here in the
city ; set the hare's head to the goose-giblet,^ release you
her of her words, and I'll release you of your debts, sir.
Wit Would you so ? I thank you for that, sir ; I can-
not blame you, i' faith. 203
Hoa, Why, are not debts better than words, sir ?
Wit, Are not words promises, and are not promises
debts, sir ?
Hoa, He plays at back-racket with me. \Aside.
First C, Come hither, master Witgood, come hither ;
be ruled by fools once.
Sec. C, We are citizens, and know what belong[s] to'L
First C. Take hold of his oflfer : pax on her, let her go ;
if your debts were once discharged, I would help you to
a widow myself worth ten of her. 213
Third C, Mass, partner, and now you remember me
on't, there's master MuUigrub's sister newly fallen a
widow.
First C. Cuds me, as pat as can be 1 there's a widow
left for you ; ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels,
et cetera : I warrant it a match ; we can do all in all with
her ; prithee, despatch ; we'll carry thee to her presently.
1 SUght. trivial
2 A proverbial expression. Cf. Dekker and Webster's Westward HOy
V. 4 : — '* She has her diamonds, you shall have your money ; the child
is recovered, the false collier discovered ; they came to Brainford to be
merry ; you were caught in bird*lime ; and therefore set the hare's head
against the goose-giblets,^ &c.
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One, 331
Wit. My uncle will ne'er endure me when he shall
hear I set my hand to a release. 222
Sec, C Hark, I'll tell thee a trick for that: I have
spent five hundred pound in suits in my time, I should
be wise ; thou'rt now a prisoner ; make a release ; take't
of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in
durance, 'tis nothing in law, not thus much.
[Snaps his fingers.
Wit. Say you so, sir?
Third C. I have paid for't, I know't.
Wit Proceed then ; I consent 230
Third C. Why, well said.
Hoa. How now, my masters, what have you done with
him?
First C. With much ado, sir, we have got him to
consent.
Hoa, Ah — a — a ! and what come ^ his debts to
now?
First C. Some eight score odd pounds, sir.
Hba. Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw ! tell me the second
time ; give me a lighter sum ; they are but desperate
debts, you know ; ne'er called in but upon such an
accident ; a poor, needy knave, he would starve and rot
in prison : eome, come, you shall have ten shillings in
the pound, and the sum down roundly. 244
First C. You must make it a mark,9 sir.
Hoa, Go to then, tell your money in the meantime ;
you shall find little less there. \Giving them money.'] —
1 Old eds. •• came." ^ •• Mark" = i3x. \d.
332 A Trick to Catch the Old One, [activ.
— Come, master Witgood, you are so unwilling to do
yourself good now !
Enter Scrivener.
Welcome, honest scrivener. — Now you shall hear the
release read. 251
Scri, [reads.'] Be it known to all men^ by these presents,
that /, Theodorus Witgood, gentleman^ sole nephew to
Pecunius Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim to one
Jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler, and now wife
to Walkadine Hoards in consideration of a competent sum of
money to discharge my debts, do for ever hereafter disclaim
any title^ rights estate^ or interest in or to the said widow,
late in the occupation of the said Anthony Medler, and now
in the occupation of Walkadine Hoard j as cUso neither to
lay claim by virtue of any former contract^ grant, promise,
or demise^ to any of her manor[s], manor-houses, parks,
groves, meadow-grounds^ arable lands, barns, stacks, stables,
dove- holes, and coney-burrows ; together with all her cattle,
money, plate, jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures,
hangings, moveables or immoveables}^ In 'witness whereof,
I the said Theodorus Witgood have interchangeably set to
my hand and seal before these presents^ the day and cUtie above
written. 269
Wit. What a precious fortune hast thou slipt here,
like a beast as thou art !
Hoa. Come, unwilling heart, come.
Wit. Well, master Hoard, give me the pen ; I see
'Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny. [^/^gTWJ the paper.
1 So ed. 2. — Ed. i " immouerables.
M
SCENE IV.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 333
Hoa, O, as vain a thing as can be ! you cannot com-
mit a greater absurdity, sir. So, so ; give me that hand
now \ before all these presents, I am friends for ever with
thee. 278
Wit, Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I
should bear you any grudge, i'faith.
Hoa, Content ; I'll send for thy uncle against the
wedding dinner ; we will be friends once again.
Wit I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
Hoa, How now ? is't right, my masters ?
First C 'Tis something wanting, sir ; yet it shall be
sufficient.
Hoa, Why, well said ; a good conscience makes a fine
show now-a-days. Come, my masters, you shall all taste
of my wine ere you depart.
AU the Cred, We follow you, sir. 290
\Exeunt Hoard and Scrivener.
Wit I'll try these fellows now. [Aside,] — A word,
sir : what, will you carry me to that widow now ?
First C, Why, do you think we were in earnest, i'faith ?
carry you to a rich widow ? we should get much credit
by that : a noted rioter 1 a contemptible prodigal ! 'twas
a trick we have amongst us to get in our money ; fare
you well, sir. [Exeunt Creditors.
Wit Farewell, and be hanged, you short pig-haired,
ram-headed rascals ! he that believes in you shall ne'er
be saved, I warrant him. By this new league I shall
have some access ^ unto my love. 301
1 •' llie quarto of 1616 reads, ' some aiovg access ; ' and the niece
334 ^ Trick to Catch the Old One. [activ.
Joyce appears above.
Joyce. Master Witgood !
Wit. My life!
Joyce. Meet me presently ; that note directs you [throws
him a tetter] : I would not be suspected : our happiness
attends us : farewell
fVit. A word's enough. [Exeunt severally.
SCENE V.
Dampit's Bed-chamber.
Dampit in bed ; Audrey spinning by ; Boy.
Aud. [singing."]
Let the usurer cram him^ in interest that excels
Therms pits enow to damn him, before he comes to hell ;
In Holbom some, in Fleet Street some,
Wherier he come therms some, there's some.
Dam. Trahe, trahito, draw the curtain ; give me a sip
of sack more.
While he drinks, enter Lamprey and Spichcock.
Lam. Look you ; did not I tell you he lay like the devil
in chains, when he was bound for a thousand year ? ^
[Joyce] speaks without a notice of her having entered : whereas in the
first quarto there is a stage-direction, * She is above;* and I suppose the
word caught the printer's eye, and was erroneously introduced into the
text "—Editor of 1816.
1 •• Our poet alludes here to a passage in the Revelation of St. Johoi
chap. XX. a." — Editor of 1Z16.
SCENE v.] A Trick to Catch the Old One, 335
SpL But I think the devil had no steel bedstaffs ;
he goes beyond him for that. 10
Lam, Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking ;
one must wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder/ do
you see, sir ?
Spi, Is this the sick tram pier ? why, he is only bed-
rid with drinking.
Lam, True, sir. He spies us.
Dam, What, Sir Tristram ? you come and see a weak
man here, a very weak man.
Lam, If you be weak in body, you should be strong
in prayer, sir. 20
Dam, O, I have prayed too much, poor man !
Lam. There's a taste of his soul for you !
Spi, Faugh, loathsome t
Lam, I come to borrow a hundred pound of you, sir.,
Dam, Alas, you come at an ill time ! I cannot spare
it, i'faith ; I ha' but two thousand i' th' house.
Aud, Ha, ha, ha !
Dam, Out, you gemative ^ quean, the muUipood ^ of
villany, the spinner of concupiscency 1
Enter Sir Launcelot and others.
Sir L, Yea, gentlemen, are you here before us ? how
is he now ? 31
1 Handkerchief.— The term is used by Ben Jonson ( TaU of a Tub,
iii. i) and others.
> " Gemative" means, I suppose, grinning. The form i^im for
grin is not uncommon.
> Multiple.
I
336 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [activ.
Lum, Faith, the same man still : the tayem bitch has
bit him i' th' head^
^> Z. We shall have the better sport with him :
peace. — And how cheers master Dampit now ?
Dam, O, my bosom. Sir Launcelot, how cheer I ! thy
presence is restorative.
Sir L, Bat I hear a great complaint of you, master
Dampit, among gallants.
Dam, I am glad of that, i'faith : prithee, what ? 40
Sir JL They say you are waxed proud a' late, and if a
friend visit you in the afternoon, you'll scarce know him.
Dam, Fie, fie ; proud ? I cannot remember any such I
thing : sure I was drunk then.
Sir JL Think you so, sir ?
Dam, There 'twas, i'faith ; nothing but the pride of
the sack ; and so certify *em. — Fetch sack, sirrah.
Boy, A vengeance sack you once !
\Exit^ and returns presently iviih sack,
Aud, Why, master Dampit, if you hold on as you
begin, and he a little longer, you need not take care how
to dispose your wealth ; you'll make the vintner your heir.
Dam. Out, you babliaminy, you unfeathered, cremi-
toried quean, you cullisance of scabiosity ! 53
Aud. Good words, master Dampit, to speak before a
maid and a virgin !
Dam. Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality !
Aud. Sweet terms ! my mistress shall know 'em.
Lam, Note but the misery of this usuring slave : here
he lies, like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his
* " One of the many proverbs expressive of inebriety. " — Editor of\^\(^
SCENE v.i A Trick to Catch the Old One. 337
drunken blasphemies ; and they to whom he bequeaths
all, grudge him the very meat that feeds him, the very'
pillow that eases him. Here may a usurer behold his
end : what profits it to be a slave in this world, and a
devil i' th' next? 64
Dam, Sir Launcelot, let me buss thee, Sir Launcelot ;
thou art the only friend that I honour and respect.
Sir JL I thank you for that, master Dampit.
Dam. Farewell, my bosom Su* Launcelot
•Sir L, Gentlemen, and you love me, let me step be-
hind you, and one of you fall a-talking of me to him. 70
Lam, Content — Master Dampit
Dam. So, sir.
Lam. Here came Sir Launcelot to see you e*en now.
Dam. Hang him, rascal !
Lam. Who ? Sir Launcelot ?
Dam. Pythagorical rascal !
Lam. Pythagorical?
Dam. Ay, he changes his cloak when he meets a
sergeant
Sir L. What a rogue's this ! 80
Lam. I wonder you can rail at him, sir ; he comes in
love to see you.
Dam. A louse for his love ! his father was a comb-
maker ; I have no need of his crawling love : he comes
to have longer day,* the superlative rascal !
1 To postpone the payment of money he had borrowed. See note i,
p. 398. Dyce quotes from Brome's City Wit, I. i : —
" You know this meeting
Was for the creditors to give longer day"
Cf. Prologue to Marston*i What you WW:—
VOU 11. Y
338 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [actit.
Sir L. 'Sfooty I can BO longer endare the rotgve!—
Mftster Dampit, I come to take my leaiw once again, sir.
Dam. Who ^ my dear and kind Sir Laacek>t, the only
gentleman of England ? let me hog thee : farewell, asd
a thousand.^ 90
La$m. Composed of wrongs and slavish flatteries !
^> L. Nay, gentlemen, he shall show yoa more tricb
yet ; I'll gire you another taste of him.
Lam, Is't possible ?
Sir L. His memory is upon departing:
Dum, Another cnp of sack I
Sir L. Mass, then 'twill be quite gone ! Before he
drink that, tell him there's a country client come up, and
heie attends for his learned advice.
Lam, Enough. 100
Dam, One cup more, and then let the bell toll : I
hope I shall be weak enough by that time.
Lam. Master Dampit
J>am, Is the sack spouting?
Lam, 'Tis coming forward, sir. Here's a country-
man, a client of yours, waits for your deep and {»rofoand
advice, sir.
Dam, A coxcombry, where is he ? let him approach :
set me up a peg higher.
Lam, [to Sir Laun.] You must draw near, sir: no
''A silly subject, too too simply clad,
Is aU his present, all his ready pay
For many debts. Qas^ further day,'*
1 "Farewell, and a thousand "= a thousand times farewell The
expression is found in Peele's Old Wives' Tale, Cf. Shakespeare's
"Sweet, and twenty."
SCENE v.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 339
Dam. Now, good man fooUaminy, what say you to
me now ?
Sir L. Please your good worship, I am a poor man,
sir
Dam, What make you in my chamber then ?
Sir L. I would entreat your worship's device^ in a
just and honest cause, sir.
Dam. I meddle with no such matters ; I refer 'em to
master No-man's office.
Sir Z. I had but one house left me in all the world,
sir, which was my father's, my grandfather's, my great-
grandfather's^ and now a villain has unjustly wrung me
out, and took possession on't 123
Dam. Has he such feats ? Thy best course is to bring
thy ejecHone firmm^ and in seven year thou mayst shove
him out by the law.
Sir L. Alas, an't please your worship, I have small
friends and less money !
Dam. Hoyday ! this geer will fadge wcU : * hast no
money ? why, then, my advice is, thou must set fire a' th'
house, and so get him out. 131
Lam, That will break strife, indeed.
Sir JL 1 thank your worship for your hot coun$el, sir.
— Altering but my voice a little, you see he knew me
not : you may observe by this> that a drunkard's memory
holds longer in the voice than in the person. But,
gentlemen, shall I show you a sight ? £el)old the little
1 ««Soa clown in Randolph's Hey for Honesty, 1651 : • lie tell you
what I do devise yoa now, this is my pinion,' act i. scene i,"-~Dyce^
* This business will succeed well.
340 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act iv.
dive-dapper ^ of damnation, Gulf the usurer, for his time
worse than t'other.
Lam, What's he comes with him ? 140
Sir JL Why, Hoard, that married lately the widow
Medler.
Lam, O, I cry you mercy, sir.
Enter Hoard and Gulf.
Hoa, Now, gentlemen visitants, how does master
Dampit ?
Sir Z. Faith, here he lies, e'en drawing in, sir, good
canary as fast as he can, sir ; a very weak creature truly,
he is almost past memory.
Hoa, Fie, master Dampit ! you lie lazing a-bed here,
and I come to invite you to my wedding-dinner : up,
up, up ! 151
Dam, Who's this ? master Hoard ? who hast thou
married, in the name of foolery ?
Hoa, A rich widow.
Dam, A Dutch widow ? *
Hoa, A rich widow ; one widow Medler.
Dam, Medler ? she keeps open house.
Hoa. She did, I can tell you, in her t'other husband's
days ; open house for all comers ; horse and man was
welcome, and room enough for 'em alL 160
Dam, There^s too much for thee then ; thou mayst
let out some to thy neighbours.
1 Or didapper, — the small bird dabchick. We have the fonn dive-
dapper ag^n in More Dissemblers Besides Women^ iu. i.
* Sec note 3, p. 300.
SCENE v.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 341
Gulf, What, hung alive in chains ? O spectacle I
"bed-staflfs of steel? O monstrum horrendum^ informe, in-
gens, cut lumen ademptum / ^ O Dampit, Dampit, here's
a just judgment shown upon usury, extortion, and
•trampling 2 villany !
; . Sir L, This [is] excellent, thief rails upon the thief !
• . Gulf, Is this the end of cut-throat usury, brothel, and
blasphemy ? now mayst thou see what race a usurer
•'■rtlns. 171
. : Dam; Why, thou rogue of universality, do not I know
thee? thy sound is like the cuckoo, the Welch ambas-
•j- sadpr : * thou cowardly slave, that offers to fight with a
•/?. sick man when his weapon's down ! rail upon me in my
i" naked* bed? why, thou great Lucifer's little vicar! I
. ' .am not so weak but I know a knave at first sight : thou
■ .Unconscionable rascal 1 thou that goest upon Middlesex
•^ f juries, and wilt make haste to give up thy verdict^
J because thou wilt not lose thy dinner! Are you
I; answered? i8i
f Gulf An't were not for shame >
:?.'«■ \Draws his dagger.
f
••
7-
1 Virg. y£». iii. 658. • See note 2, p. 264.
: ' *'A jocular name for the cuckoo, I presume from its migrating
hither from the west." — Nares^ Gloss, in v,
^ i,e, undressed in my bed. The expression " naked bed " was very
common. Cf. the much-ridiculed line in the Spanish Tragedy —
" Who calls Jeronymo from his naked bed,**
■ > " Did Pope remember this passage ?
* The hungry judges soon the sentence sign,
And wretches hang^ that jurymen may dine*
The Rape of the Lock, iii. nJ'—Dyce,
342 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [activ.
Dam. Thou wouldst be hanged then.
Lam. Nay, you must exercise patience, master Gnlf,
always in a sick man's chamber.
Sir L, He'll quarrel with none, I warrant yoD, bat
those that are bed-rid.
Dam. Let him come, gentlemen, I am armed : reach
my dose-stool hither.
Sir JL Here will be a sweet fray anon : I'll leave you,
gentlemen. * 191
Lam, Nay, we'll along with you. — Master Gulf
Gulf. Hang him, usuring rascal !
Sir L. Push ^ set your strength to his, your wit to his !
Aud. Pray, gentlemen, depart ; his hour's come upon
him. — Sleep in my bosom, sleep.
Sir L Nay, we have enough of him, i'faith ; keep him
for the house.
Now make your best :
For thrice his wealth I would not have his breast 200
Gulf. A little thing would make me beat him now
he's asleep.
Sir L. Mass, then 'twill be a pitiful day when he
wakes : I would be loath to see that day : come.
Guif. You overrule me, gentlemen, i'faith.
[Exeunt
1 Pish.
( 343 )
ACT V.
SCENE L
, A Room in Lucre's House,
Enter Lucre and Witgood.
Wit Nay, uncle, let me prevail with you so much ;
I'faith, go, now he has invited you.
Luc, I shall have great joy there when he has borne
away the widow !
Wit Why, la, I thought where I should find you
presently : uncle, a' my troth, 'tis nothing so.
Luc. What's nothing so, sir ? is not he married to the
widow?
Wit No, by my troth, is he not, ancle.
Luc, How? lo
Wit Will you have the truth on't ? he is married to a
whore, i'faith.
Luc. I should laugh at that
Wit Uncle, let me perish in your favour if you find
it not so ; and that 'tis I that have married the honest
woman.
Luc. Ha ! I'd walk ten mile a' foot to see that, i'faith.
Wit And see't you shall, or I'll ne'er see you again.
Luc. A quean, i'faith ? ha, ha, ha ! [Exeunt
344 ^ Trick to Catch the Old One. [actt.
SCENE 11.
A Room in Hoard's House.
Enter Hoard tasting wine^ Host following in a livery
cloak,
ffoa. Pup, pup, pup, pup, I like not this wine : is there
never a better tierce in the house ?
Host Yes, sir, there are as good tierce in the house as
any are in England.
Hoa, Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste 'em all
over ; she has better skill.
Host. Has she so ? the better for her, and the worse
for you. [Aside, and exit.
Hoa. Arthur!
Enter Arthur.
Is the cupboard ^ of plate set out? lo
Arth. All's in order, sir. [Exit.
Hoa, I am in love with my liveries every time I think
on 'em ; they make a gallant show, by my troth. Niece !
Enter Joyce.
Joyce. Do you call, sir ?
Hoa. Prithee, show a little diligence, and overlook the
knaves a little ; they'll filch and steal to-day, and send
whole pasties home to their wives : and ^ thou be'st a good
niece, do not see me purloined.
1 *' f. tf. a moveable sideboard, or bu£fet, containing the plate. '*~Z>^^
• If.
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 345
Joyce, Fear it not, sir — I have cause : though the feast
be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding-
dinner too. \Aside^ and exit 21
Enter Lamprey and Spichcock.
Hoa, Master Lamprey and master Spichcock, two the
most welcome gentlemen alive ! your fathers and mine
were all free a' th' fishmongers.
Lam. They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests,
sir ; soon entreated.
Hoa. And that's best, sir.
Enter Servant.
How now, sirrah ?
Ser. There's a coach come to th' door, sir.
\_Exit,
Hoa. My Lady Foxtone, a' my life ! — Mistress Jane
Hoard ! wife ! — Mass, 'tis her ladyship indeed ! 31
Enter Lady Foxtone.
Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnished house, dearth
of cheer, scarcity of attendance.
Z. Fox. You are pleased to make the worst, sir.
Hoa. Wife!
Enter Courtesan.
Z. Fox. Is this your bride ?
Hoa. Yes, madam. — Salute my Lady Foxtone.
Court. Please you, madam, awhile to taste the air in
the garden ?
346 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act?.
Z. Fox. Twill please us well. 40
\E3ceunt L. Foxtonb and Courtesan.
HotL Who would not wed ? the most delicious 1^ !
No joys are like the comforts of a wife.
Lam, So we bachelors think, that are not troubled
with them.
Re-enter Servant.
Ser, Your worship's brother, with other ancient gentle-
men,^ are newly alighted, sir. \E3nt,
Hoa. Master Onesiphorus Hoard ? why, now our com-
pany begins to come in.
Enter Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber, and Kix.
My dear and kind brother, welcome, i'faith.
Ones, H, You see we are men at an hour, brother. 50
Hoa, Ay, I'll say that for you, brother ; you keep as
good an hour to come to a feast as any gentleman in
the shire. — What, old master Limber and master Kix!
do we meet, i'faith, jolly gentlemen ?
Um. We hope you lack guess,^ sir ?
Hoa, O, welcome, welcome ! we lack still such guess
as your worships.
Ones, H^ Ah, sirrah brother, have you catched up
widow Medler ?
Hoa, From 'em all, brother ; and I may tell you I had ^
mighty enemies, those that stuck sore ; old Lucre is a^
sore fox, I can tell you, brother. 62
^ Old eds. ''an other ancient gentleman.** > QnoMt.
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 347
Ones. B. Where is she ? I'll go seek her out : I long
to have a sfhack at her lips.
Jloa. And most wishfully, brother, see where she
comes.
Reenter Courtesan and Lady Foxtone.
Give her a smack ^ now we may hear it all the house
over. [Courtesan and Ones. H. start and turn aivay.
Court, O heaven, I am betray'd ! I know that face.
Hoa, Ha, ha, ha ! why, how now ? are you both
ashamed ? — Come, gentlemen, we'll look another way. 71
Ones, H. Nay, brother, hark you : come, you're dis-
posed to be merry.
Hoa, Why do we meet else, man ?
Ones, IT. That's another matter : I was ne'er so 'fraid
in my life but that you had been in earnest.
Hoa, How mean you, brother ?
Ones, H, You said she was your wife.
Hoa, Did I so ? by my troth, and so she is.
Ones, H, By your troth, brother? 80
Hoa, What reason have I to dissemble with my friends,
brother ? if marriage can make her mine, she is mine.
Why [Onesiphorus Hoard is about to retire.
Ones, H, Troth, I am not well of a sudden : I must
crave pardon, brother ; I came to see you, but I cannot
stay dinner, i'faith.
Hoa, I hope you will not serve me so, brother ?
Lint, By your leave, master Hoard
^ Old eds. "smerck.'
348 A Trick to Catch the Old One, [act v.
Hoa, What now ? what now ? pray, gentlemen : — ^you
were wont to show yourselves wise men. 90
Um, But you have shown your folly too much here.
Hoa, How?
Kix, Fie, fie ! a man of your repute and name !
You'll feast your friends, but cloy 'em first with shame.
Hoa, This grows too deep ; pray, let us reach the sense.
Iawl In your old age doat on a courtesan !
Hoa. Ha!
Kix, Marry a strumpet !
Hoa. Gentlemen !
Ones. H. And Witgood's quean ! 100
Hoa. O ! nor lands nor living ?
Ones, H. Living !
Hoa. \to Courtesan.] Speak.
Court. Alas, you know, at first, sir,
I told you I had nothing !
Hoa. Out, out ! I am cheated ; infinitely cozen'd !
Lim, Nay, master Hoard
Enter Lucre, Witgood, and Joyce.
Hoa. A Dutch widow !^ a Dutch widow! a Dutch
widow !
Luc, Why, nephew, shall I trace thee still a liar ?
Wilt make me mad? is not yon thing the widow? no
Wit, Why, la, you are so hard a' belief, uncle ! by my
troth, she's a whore.
Luc, Then thou'rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur argumentum, uncle.
^ See note s, p.. 300.
SCENE II.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 349
Luc, Probo tihiy nephew : he that knows a woman to
be a quean must needs be a knave ; thou sayst thou
knowest her to be one ; ergo^ if she be a quean, thou'rt
a knave.
Wit Negaiur sequela majoris^ uncle ; he that knows a
woman to be a quean must needs be a knave ; I deny
that. 121
Hoa. Lucre and Witgood, you're both villains; get
you out of my house !
Luc, Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding-dinner ?
Wit, And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends
before witness, sir, and were both drunk upon't ?
Hoa, Daintily abus'd ! you've put a junt ^ upon me !
Luc, Ha, ha, ha !
Hoa, A common strumpet !
Wit, Nay, now 130
You wrong her, sir ; if I were she, I'd have
The law on you for that ; I durst depose for her
She ne'er had common use nor common thought.
Court, Despise me, publish me, I am your wife ;
What shame can I have now but you'll have part ?
If in disgrace you share, I sought not you ;
Ydu pursu'd, nay,^ forc'd me ; had I friends would fol-
low it,
I^ss than your action has been prov'd a rape.
Ones, H. Brother !
Court, Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you, 140
Money, or goods ; I took a plainer course,
1 Whore. —I do not remember to have met the word elsewhere.
' Old eds. *' pursued me, nay."
350 A Trick to Catch the Old One. [act v.
And told you trae, I'd nothing :
If error were committed, 'twas by you ;
Thank ]rour own folly : nor has my sm been
So odious, but worse has been forgiven ;
Nor am I so deform'd, but I may challenge
The utmost power of any old man's love.
She that tastes not sin before [twenty], twenty to one but
she'll taste it after : most of you old men are content to
marry young virgins, and take that which follows ; where,
marrying one of us, you both save a sinner and are quit
from a cudcold for ever : 152
And more, in brief, let this your best thoughts win,
She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin.
Hoa, Curs'd be all malice ! black are the fruits of spite,
And poison first their owners. O, my friends,
I must embrace shame, to be rid of shame !
Conceal'd disgrace prevents a public name.
Ah, Witgood ! ah, Theodorus ! 159
Wit, Alas, sir, I was pricked in c(Hiscience to see her
well bestowed, and where could I bestow her better than
upon your pitiful worship ? Excepting but myself, I dare
swear she's a virgin \ and now, by marrying your niece, I
have banished myself for ever from her : she's mine aunt
now, by my faith, and there's no meddling with mine
aunt, you know : a sin against my nuncle.^
Court, Lo, gentlemen, before you all \Kneels,
In true reclaimed form I fall.
Henceforth for ever I defy ^
The glances of a sinful eye, 170
» ^
^ A common corruption of uncle, < Renounce.
scftM n.] A Trick to Catch the Old One. 3 5 1
Waving of fans ^ (which some suppose
Tricks of fancy *), treadt&g of toes,
Wringing of fingers, biting the lip.
The wanton gait, th' alluring trip ;
All secret friends and private meetings,
Ciose-bome letters and bawds' greetings ;
Feigning excuse to women's labours
When we are sent for to tk' next neighbour's ;
Taking false physic, and ne'er start
To be let blood though sign ^ be at heart ; igo
Removing chambers, shifting beds.
To welcome friends in husbands' steads,
Them to enjoy, and you to marry,
They first serv'd, while you must tarry,
They to spend, and you to gather^
They to get, and you to fstther :
These, and thousand, thousand more,
New reclaimed, I now abhor.
Luc, \to WiTGOOD.] Ah, here's a lesson, rioter, for you !
Wit I must confess my follies ; I'll down too : \Kneils,
1 " Here Middletoa recollected the Palinode which closes Cynikia's
Revels :
' From secret friends.
From waving fans, coy glances,'
JONSON's Works, vol. ii. p. 380, ed. Gy&.'—Dyce,
* Love.
* The editor of 1816 read " sin "—wrongly. Dyce remarks that
*' according to the directions for bleeding in old almanacs, blood was
to be taken from particular parts under particular planets ; '' and he
adduces a passage from Yarington's Two Tragedies in One :—
" Chill let our blood, but yet it is no time
Vntill the *ygnt begone below the Aarl,'* (sig. H. 4.)
352 A Trick to Catch the Old One, [act v.
And here for ever I disclaim j^i
The cause of youth's undoing, game,
Chiefly dice, those true outlanders,
That shake out beggars, thieves, and panders ;
Soul-wasting surfeits, sinful riots.
Queans' evils, doctors' diets,
'Pothecaries' drugs, surgeons' glisters ;
Stabbing of arms ^ for a common mistress ;
Riband favours, ribald speeches ;
Dear perfum'd jackets, pennyless breeches ; 200
Dutch flapdragons,^ healths in urine ; ^
Drabs that keep a man too sure in :
I do defy * you all.
Lend me each honest hand, for Here I rise
A reclaim'd man, loathing the general vice.
HocL So, so, all friends ! the wedding-dinner cools :
Who seem most crafty prove ofttimes most fools.
\^Exeunt omnes.
1 " Here again Middleton has an eye to Jonson :
• From sttiiHng of arms, fUipdragons ^ — Works^ ibid.
To stab their arms with daggers, and drink off the blood mixed with
Mfine, to the health of their mistresses, was formerly a frequent practice
among gallants." — Dyce,
* See note i, p. 187. Dutchmen had the reputation of being very
expert in swallowing flapdragons. Cf. Lodowick Barry's Ram Alley—
•• My brother
Swallows it with more ease than a Dutchman
Does flapdragons."
> There is an allusion to this filthy practice in Marston's Dutch
Courtnan, iv. i. ^ Renounce.
FRINTBD BY BALLAMTYMB, HANSON AMD CO.
BDINBUBGH AND LONDON.
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