They need a Dr. Bamfield.
The human mind is like a cave.
Beyond the light there are dark passageways and mysterious recesses.
I, Dr. Daniel Bamfield, have explored those unknown retreats and know their secrets.
In a moment we return.
Danger, Dr. Bamfield, but first...
Dr. Daniel Bamfield, authority on crime psychology, has an unhappy faculty for getting himself
mixed up in hazardous predicaments because of his astonishing revelations regarding the
workings of the criminal mind.
As our story opens we find Dr. Bamfield in his office dictating to his pretty young secretary,
Rusty Fairfax.
It is therefore with regret that I am forced to use the following incident as an example
of this type of criminal mind.
Rusty Fairfax and I have been invited to attend the engagement party of Miss Hazel Humphrey
and Count Andre Devillier.
Ah, there you are at Enfield.
Enjoying yourself?
Neat I am, Mr. Humphrey.
It's been a long time since I have seen so many celebrities at one gathering.
Well, you notice any criminal types among them?
Yes, as a matter of fact there are quite a few.
What?
Well, who for heaven's sakes?
It would be hardly discreet for me to single out those among your friends whom I believe
to have criminal tendencies, Mr. Humphrey.
Oh, but look here, you can't just make a sweeping statement like that and then refuse to-
I'm sorry, Mr. Humphrey, but unless you can tolerate sweeping statements you shouldn't
ask sweeping questions.
Well, I say.
I think we'd better understand each other, Mr. Humphrey.
I strongly suspect that you invited Miss Fairfax and myself to your weekend house party because
you're secretly amused by the nature of my work.
Really, Dan Field?
I take my work quite seriously, you know, Mr. Humphrey.
I tend to be honest in my opinions also, otherwise I can hardly hope for success.
Honesty is the best policy, don't you think?
Of course, of course.
And now that we've reached an understanding, Miss Fairfax and I would be happy to leave
if you feel it.
Oh, not at all.
Oh, look here, Dan Field, perhaps I owe you an apology.
No, no, frequently I run into this sort of thing.
It's often necessary to point out to my friends that I'm not an entertainer but a professional
man.
Quite, quite.
As a matter of fact, Dan Field, I'm rather glad you're here.
Oh?
My wife is wearing her diamond pendant.
It's quite valuable, you know.
Oh, indeed I do know.
The Humphrey pendant is famous.
I understand it's been evaluated at $100,000.
Yes.
And now that you've mentioned that, well, that there are criminals present.
Oh, you misunderstood me, Mr. Humphrey.
I didn't say there were criminals present.
I said there were many people present who possessed criminal tendencies.
Well, it amounts to the same thing.
By Jove, now I am alarmed.
I think perhaps I'd better warn Edna and suggest that she...
Well, here's a young lady.
Yes.
Some party, eh, Dan?
Oh, hello there, Mr. Humphrey.
Uh-huh, hello.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
You're Miss Fairfax, Manfield's secretary.
I'm sorry I didn't...
Oh, don't apologize.
With this gang, I don't blame you for forgetting the names of half of them.
Or do you know them all?
No, I'm sorry to say I don't.
And now if you'll excuse me, I must find Edna.
What's the matter with him?
Am I poison or something?
Mr. Humphrey is disturbed over the fact that his wife is wearing her famous diamond pendant,
Miss Fairfax.
Well, why shouldn't she wear it?
What kind of a bang can she get out of owning the thing if she keeps it locked away in a
safe all the time?
Oh, Miss Fairfax, I'm afraid you'll never understand human nature.
Some people enjoy possessing valuable articles, even though they may never see them.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I don't know much about human nature, but I know an unhappy bride-to-be when I see
one.
Oh, and to whom are you referring, Miss Fairfax?
Hazel Humphrey.
Who else?
Hazel Humphrey?
The young lady whose engagement is about to be announced?
Oh, come, come, Miss Fairfax.
Hazel Humphrey is making an excellent match.
Who says so?
Why, why, everybody.
The papers have been full of it.
Have they?
And how do the papers know how a girl feels deep down in her heart?
I haven't the remotest idea how the newspapers happen to know such things, Miss Fairfax.
Yet I must confess that they publish facts with an air of assurance.
Well, this time they missed the boat.
Take a look over there.
Over where, Miss Fairfax?
Over there near the doorway to the dining room.
See that tall blonde girl talking to the short man with a mustache?
Oh, yes.
What a gorgeous creature.
You would notice that.
Well, anyway, that's Hazel Humphrey, and the person she's talking to is Count André de
Vallee.
Is it really?
Well, well.
Does she look happy to you?
Mm-hmm.
I see what you mean.
She doesn't seem to be playing the role of the ecstatic bride-to-be, does she?
Oh, well, probably a lover's tip.
Lover's tip my foot.
She doesn't want to marry the guy.
Her mother's driving her into it because Count Fatso has a title.
Oh, Dan, can't you do something?
Do something?
I?
Come, come, Miss Fairfax.
Let's be serious.
I am serious.
Look, you're supposed to know all there is to know about human nature and human instincts
and all that sort of thing.
Why don't you get in there and help that poor girl out?
Miss Fairfax, must I remind you that...
Oh, yes, yes.
I know.
You're only interested in the criminal mind.
All right.
You're a criminal if you stand to one side and let that poor girl fall into the clutches
of that money-grabbing foe.
That's quite enough, Miss Fairfax.
I'm not conducting an advice to the Lovelorn Bureau.
I haven't the faintest interest in whether Miss Humphrey marries Count Devillier or whether
she jumps from the Brooklyn Bridge tomorrow at dawn.
Now, is that clear?
It certainly is.
And a lot of other things are clear also, Dr. Daniel Danfield.
It's clear that you're stubborn and selfish and that you can't see beyond the end of your
nose.
Miss Fairfax.
It's clear that I was a fool to have ever hoped that someday you might thaw out and
act human.
Act human?
That I think you're a prude and that someday I hope you fall in love and learn what it's
like.
Oh, my sherry.
Tonight you are very, very lovely.
You are like the summer sun set over the ocean.
You are lovely.
Oh, Andre, for heaven's sake, relax.
Oh, my sherry.
Now, look, darling, let's get things straight once and for all.
You don't have to put on an act for my benefit.
I know you don't love me.
Oh, my dear, my sherry.
What is this thing you say?
Well, do you?
But we, please, you must understand.
To me, you are like the summer shower to the patch grass.
You are lovely.
Oh, nuts.
Andre, listen, you're a good guy and all that.
You weren't such a little half-baked broly-poly.
I could probably go for you.
The fact of the matter is, I'm in love with someone else.
My sherry.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
I'm not going to double-cross you.
We've made a deal.
We're going to be together.
We'll return for the conclusion of Danger, Dr. Danfield, in a moment.
But first...
We're going to return for the conclusion of Danger, Dr. Danfield.
The details of how this matter was concluded are, of course, unimportant.
It is, however, significant that those involved in the conspiracy to jeopardize the reputation of young Mr. Errol were...
Well, Ms. Fairfax?
Don't your lecture classes ever get bored, Dr. Danfield?
Bored? My lecture classes?
Come, Ms. Fairfax, whatever put that idea into your mind.
Because you're always feeding them this double talk about criminal potentialities and the workings of the criminal mind.
Well, Ms. Fairfax?
Why don't you make it a little spicy?
Tell them about how Hazel and Ray eloped the next day and the old lady finally broke down and admitted that she didn't want a title anyway.
But, Ms. Fairfax?
Tell them when Ray found out that Frenchie'd swiped his shoes and what he'd used them for, he socked the guy again, which pleased everybody.
Ms. Fairfax, it seems to me that...
Tell them how you knew that the old lady was lying when she gave out with that story about a burglar jumping out of her window.
She wasn't lying.
Count de Villiers did actually jump from the window so that we'd find his footprints and...
Well, I know that, but it seems to me...
There was merely a discrepancy in Mrs. Humphrey's story which aroused my suspicions.
You see, she told her husband that she lay awake until it stopped raining completely.
Then she heard a man's breathing and then she saw him jump from the window.
Well?
Why, Ms. Fairfax, you yourself saw the raindrops and the leaf that we found in the footprints.
The sun shone on them which made me think for a moment we'd found the lost diamonds.
For gosh sake!
Now do you understand, Ms. Fairfax?
Why, sure! If the burglar had jumped from the window after it had stopped raining, there wouldn't be any raindrops in the leaf, would there?
Quite right, Ms. Fairfax. Now, shall we continue?
Oh, let's not.
Let's not?
Then, aren't you ever going to learn to be human?
Human? Hmm.
Ms. Fairfax?
Rusty, would you lift your chin just a little bit higher?
Yes, yes, that's fine.
Now.
Wow! How human can a guy get?
Ms. Fairfax, I see what you mean.