from Hollywood Colgate tooth powder for a breakfast sweet and piece of sparkle
presents the Mal Blank show with Mary Jane Clough, Joe Kearns, Hans Connery, the
sportsman, our guest star Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian, Victor Miller and his
orchestra and starring Mal Blank.
People they smile when they are low.
Yesterday they told you you was not so far.
That night you opened and there you are.
Next day on your dressing room they've hung the stars.
Let's go on with the show.
Even with a turkey that you know will fall, you may be stranded out in the cold.
Still you wouldn't change it for a sack of golf.
Let's go.
Hello Joe, what do you know?
I just got back from a water bill show.
Let's go on with the show.
Well there's plenty of excitement today in Mal Blank's Fix-It Shop.
Mel's running the local community chess drive which is having a big affair
tonight in the local auditorium.
Right now he's being interviewed by Willie Murdock, a reporter for the town
newspaper. Gee Willie, it sure is nice of you to
write a story about me.
Well that's all right Mel.
Now let me take some notes. Tell me something about yourself Mel.
Oh nothing ever happens to me.
Led a very interesting life.
Then what happened to you Mel?
Well when I was 16 I went to work in a candy factory.
I was in the chocolate covered nougat's department.
I put in the nougs.
You see somebody poured the chocolate, I put in the nougs.
Then I was promoted.
Oh yeah?
Somebody else put in the nougs and I poured the chocolate.
Well one year of that and I developed a sweet tooth.
Her name was Sadie and I almost married her.
You almost married her?
Yes.
And now escaped from disaster.
And then became a big executive in an oil company.
Hey look Willie, you're not taking down anything I say.
Mel, if I put the story in your way, who would buy the paper?
I would.
You would?
I would.
Mel, who else is helping you on the community chest affair?
Well there's my helper Zookie.
Zookie?
Yeah he's at Mr. Colby's house right now trying to round up some refresh...
refresh...
refresh...
refresh...
Well what do you want Zookie?
Refresh...
refresh...
a case of soda...
soda...
some ice tea...
ice tea...
some ice tea...
ice tea...
You got any chairs?
Sit down Zookie, I'll be glad to help.
Oh thanks Mr. Colby.
You know this is a big job for Mel.
Yes and I'm afraid it's too big for him.
After all Mel is just a little potato, but he is a sweet boy.
Yeah he's kind of like a little sweet potato.
Yeah he's kind of like a little sweet potato.
Well what do you suppose Mel would like Zookie?
Well what do you suppose Mel would like Zookie?
Can you bake a cake?
Uh, uh, not very well Zookie.
Oh it's easy. You take some of the flou...
...flou...
...flou...
You take a quart of the milk and...
...quart of the milk and...
...moo...
...moo...
...moo...
You take two eggs...
You buy one in the bakery.
How would you like it if I brought
some assorted pies?
I could go for that.
of my daughter Betty.
Mm, I could go for that.
I mean, I like pies.
Hello, Zookie.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
Oh.
Hello.
You're all spruced up today, aren't you, Zookie?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna look good tonight.
Zookie, I never noticed you before, but you're handsome.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
You know, Betty, you have a nice...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I love you a little bit.
You've got a very cute little...
No, no, no, no, no.
I love you.
I, I, I, I, I...
Yeah.
Oh, South America, don't take it away.
Betty, Mel sent Zookie over for some refreshments
for the community test affair tonight.
Oh, gosh, Father, I have a whole box full of stuff
I prepared.
I meant to tell you about it.
Oh, gee, Betty, you're sweet.
No wonder Mel is so crazy about you.
Is he really, Zookie?
Oh, yeah.
Mel is so crazy about you that when he goes to sleep,
he doesn't count sheep jumping over the fence.
He counts you.
Oh, Zookie.
You mean he counts me jumping over a fence?
Yeah.
Last night he was counting,
and all of a sudden he ran out for some bandages.
What was the matter?
He said you tripped.
Oh.
Well, thanks for everything.
Oh, wait till you see the entertainment tonight.
Entertainment?
Yeah.
We got a special guest coming to help us out.
But I mustn't tell you who.
You see, I wrote a play especially for the occasion.
Occasion.
Thanks.
Yeah.
You wrote a play all by yourself?
Yeah, that's right, Betty.
Oh, is it good?
Good.
It's sensational.
It's colossal.
Why do you hear it?
["The Star Spangled Banner"]
["The Star Spangled Banner"]
["The Star Spangled Banner"]
["The Star Spangled Banner"]
Your romance will be a burst of bubble
if you have that breath of trouble.
You think you could be a victim of this breath of trouble?
I mean, unpleasing breath?
Why not be on your guard?
Just do this, brush your teeth night and morning
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Well, a full moon has brought a lovely evening
to Mel Blank's little town.
Perfect weather for the community chest benefit
and everybody has turned up.
Right now, Mel is milling through the crowd,
greeting all his friends.
Well, there he is now talking to Mr. Cushing,
president of Mel's local lodge,
the ancient order of benevolent zebras.
Hello Mel.
Ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo, ugga.
Oh, greetings mighty potent tape.
Ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo, ugga.
It's a wonderful party, Mel, wonderful.
Oh, thank you.
I want you to meet my wife.
Ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo, ugga.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Say Mel, the refreshments of wonder.
Good.
All except that chocolate layer cake.
That's terrible.
Oh, but Mr. Cushing.
It's almost impossible nowadays to get cement
and a woman has to use it to fill a cake.
Oh, but Mr. Cushing.
You know, I pity the poor guy
that has to stand for that cooking day in and day out.
Mr. Cushing.
Who baked it anyway?
Your wife.
Well, I gotta be going now.
Ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo, ugga.
Ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo.
Hello Mel.
Ugga.
Hello Mr. Brown.
I'm glad you're here.
How are you feeling?
I'm so good.
I can't sleep now.
Drinking too much coffee?
No, I can't sleep on the count of milk.
Well gee, if you can't sleep on the count of milk,
why do you drink it?
Oh, I don't drink it.
I deliver it.
Well, nice to see you Mr. Brown.
Excuse me now.
I've got to start the entertainment.
Oh, give me a fanfare, Victor.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank each and every one of you for coming here tonight.
We're ready to start our show with Victor Miller and the sportsman playing and singing
the hit songs from Annie Get Your Gun.
Folks are dumb where we come from.
They ain't got any heartache.
Yeah, we're happy as Henry.
Doing what comes naturally.
Folks like us could never fuck with tools and books and learning.
Here we come from A to Z, doing what comes naturally.
You don't have to know how to read all right.
When you're out with the honey in the pale moonlight.
You don't have to come from a great big town.
Not to go picking berries in an evening gown.
Doing what comes naturally.
I don't go out in Texas and even write his name.
He signs his checks with a cap, but they cash him just the same.
When their cam folds, Grandpa Dick was always sick but never a boy doctor.
He just died at 93.
Doing what comes naturally.
They say that falling in love is wonderful.
It's wonderful, so they say.
And with the moon up above, it's wonderful.
It's wonderful, so they tell me.
I can't recall he said it, I know I never read it.
I only know they tell me that love is grand.
The thing that's known as romance is wonderful.
Wonderful in every way.
It's wonderful, so they say.
Got no top coat, got no tie.
Still I think I'm a lucky guy.
I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
Got no mansion, got no yacht.
Still I'm happy with what I've got.
I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
Sunshine gives me a lovely day.
Further more I'll end up with light.
Gives me the milky way.
I got the sun, I got the moon.
Got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
Quite alright.
Thank you, thank you very much, boys.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a surprise for you.
My assistant Zucchi has written a special playlist for this occasion.
It is his own amusing interpretation of the discovery of America in 1492 by Columbus.
In this playlist, I am Columbus, and we have a very special guest who came here just to help us out in the play.
So, here we go. Take it away, Victor.
It is the year 1492. Our hero Columbus and his weary men are approaching the shores of America.
History is in the making.
Columbus, look, it's land.
Still land.
You told me I thought you said ham.
How much can you act?
So it is land.
Stand fast, men. We are approaching the shore.
Columbus, someone's coming over here. It looks like an Indian.
Yes.
My.
He looks ferocious.
I'd better advance first, or I will get out.
Greetings, noble warrior.
How do you do?
Columbus, come.
You are an Indian?
By the shores of Gitchi Gunia.
Well, I look like Mickey Ronier.
But I thought that Indians wore feathers.
You want an Indian or a chicken?
Indian, you speak English very well.
That is most correctical.
You see, when I was born, I was very young.
How unique.
I was such a busy kid.
Everybody came from miles around to look at my face.
Of course, the odds were against me.
Because nobody could tell what I was.
Well, what happened?
And would you believe it?
Until this very day, nobody discovered that I'm an Indian.
Anyway, let's not waste any time.
I'm an Indian, and I got a messenger, and I'm an Indian messenger,
and I'm bombing the crystal.
I have a very big letter for you, sir.
A letter?
Say, what's that Papoose on your back?
He handles the postcards.
What's your name, Indian?
Me?
Og.
Og.
And what's your name, little Papoose?
Me Og God Jr.
Little beaver.
Redskin, can you find us a place to rest?
Are you kidding?
It's impossible to find a wigwam these days.
Are you a wetrin?
A wetrin?
What's that?
That's a man who's looking for a place to live.
Well, anyway, Indian, can you tell where North is?
Most of course.
It's very simple.
You see, we Indians have our systems.
First you put your finger up like this.
Just like this.
Then you wet the point like this.
And as the wind is blowing from the east,
you've got to be careful you don't catch pneumonia.
Because if you are catching pneumonia,
you are going west, young man.
And this means the North and the South will have nothing to do with you.
Of course.
This every Indian knows.
Do you want to?
Oh, sure, sure.
Now explain it to me.
Well, anyway, you brought me a letter.
What does it say?
White man must stop stealing Indians' land.
Yours very truly, it requires a real estate company.
Well, Indian, go back to your chief and tell him we are here to stay.
Okay.
But go on, you know.
If you are still here at nine o'clock, we will make big war.
Remember, the battle begins at nine sharp.
If I'm not back, go by yourself.
Vestucho.
Yes, Colombo.
I'm afraid this is going to throw a terrible fear into the men.
They're all worried.
What is? Tell them not to lose their heads.
That's what they're worried about.
Hey, man, put.
Hey, wait a minute, Indy.
You're not due back here until nine o'clock.
I just came back to remind you we are on daylight saving time.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Colombo, what time is it?
It's nine o'clock.
We'll win our glass drip drip.
Colombo, this is no time to joke.
The Indians are coming and the men are too afraid to fight.
Men, you can't let history down.
The eyes of the world are upon us.
In Spain, they're saying we're discoverers of a new nation.
In England, they're saying we're men of iron.
In France, they're calling us brave defenders of the world of tomorrow.
What are you here from, Brooklyn?
Stand back, everybody.
It's the Indians.
Who's an Indian? I'm Jesse James.
You want to know something? You sound just like the Indians.
I assume I can do.
Well, what do you want, Jesse James?
I came here to help you build a railroad.
Why are you so interested in building a railroad?
I got the hold-up concession.
Look how the Indians are shooting.
Ha ha. That's very funny.
That's very funny.
What's very funny?
There were no guns in 1492, were there?
Say you're right. They used a bow and arrow.
That's better. Up!
They got me. They got me.
Gosh, one tip and it hit you in five places.
It's something new. An atomic arrow.
Oh, I'm dying.
Pardon that I'm dying.
You're dying?
Ha ha. I'm dying.
I'm going to join Cleopatra.
I'm going to join Salome.
I'm going to join Madame Bumpadour.
But you're dying. What are you so happy about?
Ha ha ha. Silly boy.
You call gate to powder,
keep smiling just right.
Use it each morning and use it each night.
So take a chance with your romance.
Use Colgate Toothpoudre.
A little breath of trouble, I mean,
unpleasing breath is a distinct handicap
to any man or woman with ambition.
So ask yourself if you could be the victim of this handicap.
And then guard against it. Just do this.
Brush your teeth night and morning
and before every date with Colgate Toothpoudre.
For Colgate Toothpoudre cleans your breath
as it cleans your teeth.
Yes, scientific tests have definitely proved
that in seven cases out of ten,
Colgate Toothpoudre instantly stops
unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth.
What's more, no dentapress of any price
cleans your teeth more quickly and thoroughly
than Colgate Toothpoudre.
Remember to buy it first thing.
And remember the name Colgate Toothpoudre
with the accent on powder.
Don't take a chance with your romance.
Colgate Toothpoudre
Mel, because of you the community chest benefit tonight
was a tremendous success. You were wonderful, darling.
Well, Zuckey had a lot to do with this.
His play was really fun. And Betty, you were swell to help too.
I was glad to help, Mel. And so was everybody else.
Gosh, I'm awfully glad. It's wonderful when people help each other out.
That's what the community chest is for.
Remember, folks, don't give till it hurts.
Give till you feel good. Good night, folks.
This is Mark Easton reminding you that Colgate Toothpoudre
for a breakfast treat and teeth and swallow
brings you The Mel Blanks Show every Tuesday at this time.
Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night
for more fun with Mel and the people you meet
in Mel Blanks Fix-It Shop.
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The Mel Blanks Show is written by David Victor and Herb Little, Jr.
and was produced and directed by Joe Rye.
This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021