Mystery House.
That strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn, where each new novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it is accepted for publication.
Mystery House.
Well, hi, Barbie. Story we're trying out for Mystery House tonight deals with freaks, you said. Circus, shied show people?
That's right, Dan. And they're unlike any people you've ever known, completely unreal from our way of looking at things, and yet such people actually exist.
Hmm, sounds like it ought to be a dandy. Sied show atmosphere, barkers, all that sort of thing.
You know, Mr. Glenn, the sied show barker was a forerunner of the radio announcer.
Uh-oh, I feel that remark's leading up to something, Bob.
As a matter of fact, it is. It's leading up to a message from our sponsor.
Okay, Tom, set the scene.
Malice in Wonderland. That's right, folks. I said Wonderland.
The great Wonderland circus sideshow with the most gargantuan collection of freaks, monstrosities, and curiosities ever assembled under campus.
Nellie, the bearded lady. Jolly Della, who tips the scales at 500 and breaks them at 550.
Joe Sefi, the greatest sword-swallower in the world. Enigma, the living zombie.
Malkin, Pope, the jungle monstrosities. And Professor Flesh, the greatest magician the world has ever known.
For this one performance only, see them all. Don't cry, don't push. The ticket line phones at the right.
This outfit's jinxed if ever I saw them, it was.
Why, I ain't gonna be a fat lady no longer if we don't start hitting some business.
Wonderland. The wonder is how Flesh manages to keep us going. I'm weighing myself half to death wondering when we're gonna close.
Well, you haven't lost any weight, Della. You look real good.
Well, thanks, Milly.
Is that Midget? Major Tembo? Is it jinx? We've had nothing but trouble since he joined the show.
Oh, there's Enigma. He wants a drink of water.
Oh, I'll get it for him. You suppose that's a racket? Or can't Enigma move a muscle except the little finger of his left hand?
Well, if it is a racket, Milly, it's a tough one. Imagine being sprawled out on a cot that way all your life and not being able to say anything or do anything.
Just ring a little bell with the little finger of your left hand.
Oh, I'll be right back. Oh, hello, Josephine.
Hello. Four picture postcards of myself I sold at the last show. Me, the great Josephine, the world's finest sword swallower. 40 cents.
It's that Major Tembo.
Major Tembo's too big in the brain for the rest of his body. Someday I'll run a sword right down his mouth to the tip of his toes.
He sure got noiseless saying her beard was a fake.
And what did he tell me? That my swords are fake. Me, the great Josephine.
You know, I've seen sideshow people get sucker sore, sick of having people stare at them. But it ain't just the toners Major Tembo hates. He don't seem to like nobody.
Oh, there you are, Josephine.
Oh, Fudge.
Been looking all over for you. It's time to start the ballet for the next show, Josephine.
I am not doing the ballet.
What?
I said I am not doing the ballet.
Look, Josephine, you ain't an opera star. How do you think we get the customers in here? You're doing the ballet who all right and right now.
No.
I'll leave him alone, Flash. He's down in my mouth.
Well, that's the way a sword swallower ought to be, ain't it? Down in the mouth. Get it?
You're a riot, Flash.
Okay, okay. Come on, snap out of it, Josephine. We gotta stir up a tip. Get a crowd.
Flash, Flash, you gotta do something about that midget. This can't go on any longer.
Calm yourself, Milly. What's wrong now?
I don't mind him saying my beards are fake because it isn't and I can prove it. Josephine and Della can take care of themselves too. But when he starts picking on Enigma...
Oh, you're crazy. He ain't done nothing to Enigma.
Enigma rang his bell a couple of minutes ago. Della heard it too. Four rings for a glass of water. I took it to him and there was Major Tembo pinching him to see if he could get any muscular reaction. Pinching him real hard. Poor Enigma not able to do a thing about it.
Well, I guess it don't hurt Enigma any. He can't feel anything.
Well, it's the idea. You've gotta get rid of Major Tembo.
Look, I'm running Wonderland and Major Tembo's a good crowd pleaser.
Crowd pleaser? What crowd?
Look, Josephine, I'm trying to be nice. I've been taking it on the chin and I've been paying off in spite of it.
Paying off? You think the nickels and dimes you toss at us is paying off? I could make more money digging ditches.
Yeah? Well, that's what you'll be doing if you don't come out of the tent with me and do the Ballyhoo act.
Let Major Tembo do the ballet.
No. Once the towners see him, they won't pay their dough to come inside and look at him. Like with Della, same thing. I tell them she weighs 550 pounds. If they could see, they wouldn't shell out their dough.
Oh, no. You don't put your freaks on the ballet. You and me. We gotta do it.
Major Tembo can do it. Me? I am not.
I never see such a bunch of squirrels. Why I got into this racket, I don't know. Nursing a bunch of slug nutty freaks.
I am not a freak. My talent has amazed the greatest scientists of the continent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Store it, store it.
That midget. He insults us. He pushes everybody around. Let him do the ballet.
I ought to fire you, Josephi. Now get out on that ballet platform before I bust you one.
You better, Josephi. Lash is mad.
What's the matter, Josephi? You jealous of Tembo?
Me? Jealous of that little peanut? Jealous of that wart on the finger of humanity?
Ha ha ha. Don't be ridiculous.
Okay. I'll just use Major Tembo. I'll put him on the ballet and show you how a real freak can draw a crowd. I'll show you what a bum you are.
You think you'll make me cry? He's what I suggest all the time.
Where is he?
I do not keep track of him. The further away from me he is, the better I like.
That's where he'll be. With Moke and Poke. He's got him fighting again. He teases him.
Come on. I'll show him what he can not. A little punk. Come on.
Ha ha ha. That's right, Moke. Hit him in the face.
Don't let him get away with it, Poke. Stretch his eyes out. Go ahead, Moke.
Hey, you. You.
Hi, Flash.
Look, I ought to fold you up and put you in my hip pocket, you little rat.
Aren't you kind of forgetting yourself, Flash?
You want them two idiots to kill each other?
I was just enjoying myself, Flash. Some people have fun one way, some another.
Look, you're doing the ballet with me. Now come on.
Yeah, I know. I heard all about it.
You were eavesdropping on us, listening to what we said.
None of you ever said anything worth listening to.
Some gall you got. Spying on us and not even taking any trouble to deny it.
You think I care what you halfwits think of me?
Listen, Major. You ought to try to get along with the rest of the freaks.
Rest of the freaks? You mean to say you include me in this assortment of malformed monstrosities?
Oh, sure. You ain't a freak. Not much. You're a normal-sized guy. You are.
My dear Tub of Lard, I am a perfectly formed individual, which is more than you can say.
Furthermore, valuable things come in small packages.
Yeah, you're a package, all right.
You... you... you what?
What am I? How'd you like to go back to the Van Arnhem show, Josephi?
Sit down, Della. How are you? Sit down.
Well, I'm afraid of your chairs, Josephi.
Major Timbo's quite a boy, ain't he?
Me? I will break his little neck myself.
You know, Josephi, I keep a file of old Billboard magazine.
I got to wondering what the Major meant about you going back to the Van Arnhem show.
Ah, that...
The story about a sword-swallower on the Van Arnhem show, Josephi, from two years ago.
I... I know nothing about it.
This sword-swallower got into an argument with the boss, and he sort of used one of his swords on him.
Then he let out.
I know nothing about it.
The guy's name was Enright, Joe Enright.
I do not know him.
Kind of funny. Joseph Enright. Joseph E. Josephi.
I'd hate to think I was on a show with a murderer.
If the little walking poison does not quit making such remarks, you will be, Della.
You! What are you doing here? Get out of my tent, you little runt.
You know, he scared me to death.
Don't talk in such a raspy voice, Millie. You don't sound like yourself.
I'm myself all right, and I've taken about enough from you.
I just came in for a little visit, Millie.
I'm not interested in visiting with you.
You're not like yourself.
I'm not like myself.
I'm not like myself.
I'm not like myself.
I'm not interested in visiting with you.
You're not like the rest of these people, Millie.
You're no freak. You're an educated woman. You talk correctly.
If you think you're going to flatter me.
You're intelligent, and that beard of yours is real, Millie.
You actually grew it.
Quite a time getting a beard like that, I bet.
Of course, I know people in the business who'll get a beard started for any woman
who wants to be a bearded lady in the sideshow.
What of it?
You're an outer without any education.
I can understand a person like that going for your kind of a racket, Millie.
But you're different.
Get out of here.
It bothered me for quite a while, Millie.
And I finally tumbled.
Tumbled to what?
Who are you hiding from, Millie?
Why did you run away?
Who are you afraid is going to find out who you are?
Get out of here before I kill you, you little...
You're hiding your face for a reason, Millie.
That beard's a disguise.
Maybe you're right, Major.
You're right, of course I'm right.
If you are, you're not being very smart, are you?
Aren't you likely to get into an awful lot of trouble?
You wouldn't dare do anything to me.
You wouldn't dare because you're hiding from something.
You'll do as I say from now on, Millie, because I've caught you.
The Dollhouse
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, first of all, I show you I have nothing in my hands.
I have nothing up my sleeve.
And now I present one of the greatest magic illusions of all time.
The Dollhouse illusion.
Here you are, ladies and gentlemen. You see the Dollhouse.
A miniature house hardly big enough to hold a large doll.
I turn it so you can see it from all sides.
Absolutely no trap doors, no concealed spaces.
Now I open the front of the Dollhouse to show you it's absolutely empty.
You see...
Wait a minute. What's going on here?
Giuseppe, quick, come here. Help me.
Something wrong?
Look, it's Major Tembo. All folded up in the Dollhouse with a knife in his heart.
He's been murdered.
Look, Enigma's been right here. Right on the platform next to yours.
And it's as if he hasn't been away.
He'll know who killed Major Tembo.
He saw the murder. He had to see it.
Yeah, that's right.
Enigma. Hey, listen. Enigma.
Enigma, did you know Major Tembo had been murdered?
Once. That means yes.
Did you see Major Tembo killed?
Sure. Whoever killed Major Tembo forget all about Enigma.
He sees the whole thing. He knows.
Yeah, maybe he knows.
Enigma, do you know who killed Major Tembo?
Two times. No. He doesn't know who did it.
But if he saw the murder...
Maybe it was done by somebody who is skilled at deception.
A magician.
Look, Josephus. Somebody like you.
Who did kill the midget Major Tembo?
And why did he kill Major Tembo?
Who did kill the midget Major Tembo?
And why can't Enigma tell who did it?
Why didn't he see the murderer when he saw the murder?
We'll find out in the second act of tonight's story.
Meanwhile, here's a brief message from our sponsor.
And now, act two of Malice in Wonderland.
We're back to the tent that houses the Wonderland Circus Sideshow.
The midget's body is still in the dollhouse,
awaiting the arrival of the coroner.
Look at him with that smear on his face,
like he was still hating us.
Well, I guess he must have had a reason to hate somebody, Della.
Well, I ain't sorry he's dead. He was a mean little troublemaker.
You ain't sorry he's dead, huh? Well, I am.
There is nothing to be sorry about.
No? You'll change your mind when the hick cops show up.
They can't do nothing to me. I was not even near.
That's just the point, Giuseppe.
Whether or not you killed Major Tambo don't make any difference.
The little punks got us all in hot water up to our necks.
I don't know how you figure that, Flash.
Look, Della, I wasn't born yesterday.
The midget had something on every one of you,
just like he had on me.
On you? Yeah, on me.
Why do you think I hired the little rat?
Why do you think I didn't kick him in the teeth the first day he was around here?
Because I was afraid of him, that's why.
Then you had a motive? Let it out.
We all had motives. We all got something to hide from the cops.
When they start digging into this business, we're all going to be in trouble.
Bad trouble. Well, I'm getting out of here.
108, you're staying right here.
There's only one thing for us to do and we've got to work fast.
What's that? We've got to find out who the murderer was before the cops get here.
We've got to turn the killer over to them before they start prying into our business.
Enigma, he knows who the murderer is.
He says he didn't know. Well, he can tell us. He saw it.
You do not even know if Enigma has a mind.
You know nothing of him but the tinker of a bell.
Well, it won't hurt to try.
Enigma, did any one of us put Major Tambo into that dollhouse?
Well, that's something. We know it wasn't one of us who killed him.
Well, then...
Just a minute. Did anybody put Major Tambo into the dollhouse?
He says no. You see me? That won't work.
Major Tambo hid in the dollhouse himself.
He was hiding there to spy on us.
All doubled up like he had to be. He could not protect himself.
And somebody killed him.
Did you see who it was, Enigma?
Was Flash near the dollhouse after Major Tambo hid in it?
Yes. Enigma says Flash was there.
Wait a minute. Was Josephine near the dollhouse, Enigma?
He lies. I was not.
And Major Tambo had a knife in his heart.
You're kind of an expert with knives, Josephine.
He's done some work of that kind before.
I'm a Van Arnhem showy.
I would keep my mouth shut if I were you, Della.
Listen, Enigma. Was Della near the dollhouse?
Say, uh...
Well, I guess I'm the only one who wasn't near it then.
So I'll kind of take charge of things.
Was Millie near the dollhouse, Enigma?
You see? He tells us nothing.
I would say... Do you suppose Enigma's a fake?
Maybe Major Tambo knew he was a phony.
You can forget that, Della. Enigma ain't no phony.
He had accident and health insurance.
The insurance company really gave him the works.
Accident and health insurance? Yeah.
Then what's he doing this for?
If he's got dough, why ain't he in a hospital where he belongs?
I... Okay.
That's what Major Tambo had on me.
The show's been losing money all season.
That's where I've been getting the dough.
Cash in Enigma's insurance checks.
I found him when that paralysis was just starting.
I kind of took charge of him.
Major Tambo got into my stuff and found out about it.
So... You are a very noble man, yes?
Praying on a helpless individual.
Well, you ain't so hot yourself.
I never killed anybody anyway.
Ain't you getting into this true confession session, Millie?
You shut your fat mouth.
You think Major Tambo did not know about you, Della?
What are you talking about?
He was just holding back.
He was busy with the rest of us.
You were on his list.
You're lying. He didn't know...
Didn't know what, Della?
Nothing.
Hey, look. Moken pokes cage. It's empty.
It's unlocked.
I'll bet that's some more of Major Tambo's work.
He let him out and they killed him.
What, those two idiots?
Why, they wouldn't be able to figure out how to open the dollhouse.
But we gotta find them.
Why? These stupid imbeciles are not worth hunting for.
They are not.
They could get us into a lot of trouble.
You are already in trouble, Flash.
Yeah.
Well, we gotta get Enigma out of here before the cops start asking too many questions.
Come on, Giuseppe. Give me a hand.
We'll carry his cot back to my trailer.
Not to me, Flash.
If you want him out of here, go ahead and do it yourself.
You mean to say...
I am not looking for a tangle with the law.
Me, I think I will be a bystander.
Oh, so you think you're gonna frame me into getting a rap for the midget's murder, huh?
Well, think again.
I'll tell the cops all about you, you and the Van Arnhem show and the guy that got killed.
Stop it!
You fools aren't careful. We'll all be in jail.
Start trying to get even with each other and we'll all be in trouble.
We've got to stick together.
Stick together?
Stick together? You think I would trust any one of you?
No, I think not.
We waste time. We should all be heading for distant places.
Come back here, you...
Flash! Where'd you get that gun?
Never mind, Dad. Come back, Giuseppe.
You ain't leaving me to take the rap, not on murder.
No? Flash, I do not think you have the nerve to shoot.
I'll show you whether I...
Yes!
Millie, you hit my wrist!
Oh, you fool!
Now we are in for it.
That shot will bring the cops swarming all over us.
You made me miss him.
You couldn't thank me for keeping you from committing a murder.
You idiot.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Uh-oh, here we go.
That looks like police coming in the front entrance of the tent.
I don't like the idea of your question in this one at a time.
I'd like to hear what's said.
You're nervous, Delia? All they asked me was routine stuff.
What I found, you know.
Giuseppe's been with them quite a while, though.
And I don't trust him.
Here he comes now.
Oh, hello, Giuseppe.
So, you thought you were very smart, Flash, telling the police about me?
I didn't tell them anything.
Who do you think you fool, huh?
Well, they know a lot more now about you, an enigma.
Why, you dirty little...
Flash, please.
I tell them about your gun, too.
How you tried to kill me.
I wasn't trying to kill you.
I just didn't want you to run out.
You want me to screw you...
Stop it!
Who's next, Giuseppe?
They asked to talk to Delia next.
Okay. Wish me luck, everybody.
Yeah. I suppose she'll spill everything she knows, too.
Ha ha. She will be pretty busy defending herself.
What I said about telling the police about you, that was all a bluff.
What? You mean you didn't tell them anything?
Not about you.
I threw all the suspicion on Delia.
I did not want her to know.
But there wasn't anything you could say about Delia?
No. I told them how she hated Major Tambo.
How he knew something about her that had her scared.
And I told them how Delia borrowed one of my knives yesterday.
The same knife we find in Major Tambo's house.
So you think you're putting me on a spot, do you, Giuseppe?
I simply tell the police the truth.
Why, you dirty lion rat.
Tell them I borrowed one of your knives.
Don't you remember that, Delia?
You know darn well I don't remember it. I didn't do it.
But you needn't think you're so smart.
No?
No. I told them all about the Van Arnhem show and the guy who got stabbed.
I really told them.
They got some long distance telephone calls in now.
Why, you devil, you...
Well, what did you think I'd do? Take your lies without fighting back?
I got to get out of here.
Uh-uh, Giuseppe. Your face in the murder ramp anyway.
Looks like you're kind of elected to take this one.
I know nothing about this. The other... it was self-defense.
I can prove it. I had to kill that one.
Why did you run away then?
He had friends. Very bad friends.
It was from them, not Delia I run.
I bet you killed Major Tambo too.
And wouldn't you have fun telling anybody you killed him in self-defense?
Yeah, Giuseppe might have killed Tambo with that.
Enigma says no.
Enigma says no to everything.
He says he saw the murder. He says we was all there at one time or another.
Says he saw Major Tambo going to the Dow House.
And then he says he don't know who stabbed him.
Maybe he's holding something back.
He said yes. He is holding something back.
You fools. Don't you get it?
What are you talking about, Delia?
Enigma knows who the murderer is. He's known all along.
Well, then why...
He didn't want either us or the cops to know. Not too soon.
You mean he did it himself? But that's impossible.
Of course it's impossible.
He didn't want anybody to know who the murderer was.
Because if the murderer was caught, that's all there'd be to it.
The killer'd be turned over to the police and that'd be that.
You got something, Delia. Enigma says yes again.
Of course he says yes.
Enigma wanted every one of us questioned.
He wanted all of us put in a tight place where we talked.
He figured sooner or later the cops would get the story of what Flash has been doing to him.
The way Flash has been robbing him.
Listen, if you think I'm going to let that zombie frame me for this murder...
There's no point to his framing you for murder.
All he wants is to get out from under your control.
I didn't kill him, Edget. I had nothing to do with it.
Just a minute. Enigma, did Flash kill Major Tambo?
You see? He says no.
I don't know nothing about it anyway.
Enigma, if I promise to tell the cops all about Flash and what he's been doing to you,
will you tell us who the murderer is?
I know you don't. Not yet, Delia. You ain't turning me over to the coppers.
Enigma, I promise to tell the cops.
I'll tell them all about the way Flash has been cheating you. It's a deal.
Why, you dirty...
I ain't afraid of you, Flash. Put that gun back in your pocket.
You don't dare shoot. Not with everybody else looking for somebody to pin a murder onto.
I'll tell the cops, Enigma. It's a deal.
Nobody's going to frame me on the testimony of a zombie who can't even talk.
Enigma, was it me who stabbed Major Tambo?
Surprise. You make a deal with him, so he says it wasn't you.
Was it Flash?
Of course it wasn't me.
Was it Millie, Enigma?
Millie!
No, no, I didn't do it.
Shut up! Stop ringing that bell! I should have killed you too!
It didn't seem real to me. Couldn't talk, couldn't move. Didn't think it could hurt me.
I should have killed you!
Get away from me, Millie. Looks like the rest of us kind of need Enigma.
Don't you point that gun at me. I had to kill Major Tambo. Flash, I'm honest, I did.
He found out about me.
Found out what?
I killed somebody too, back five years ago. And it wasn't self-defense.
I killed a man because I hated him.
Nobody should have known, but something went wrong and I had to run away.
There was a fugitive hiding from my pastor. I figured out a perfect way to hide.
A bearded lady in a circus sideshow. Who'd ever think of looking for a beautiful girl masqueraded as a bearded lady?
Nobody but Major Tambo. And I'm glad I killed him. I got even with him.
Yeah, maybe so. But from where I stand, it looks like he kind of got even with the rest of us.
Now cops are going to have a busy day.
Applause
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