Mystery House.
Mystery House. That strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn,
where each new novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it is accepted for publication.
Mystery House.
Hi, Mr. Glenn. Everybody else here for the Mystery House Novel Trial?
Oh, yeah. Here I'm waiting. This, uh, murderful laugh looks like quite a story, too.
Well, it certainly does. We were afraid you weren't going to make it, Art.
Oh, did you rehearse while you were waiting for me?
Well, of course not. We couldn't rehearse without you. All we could do was sit and wait.
Oh, I could have furnished plenty of entertainment, Mrs. Glenn.
But we couldn't rehearse without the whole cast being here, Tom.
Well, sure we could. You forget. You only need one man to rehearse this part of the show.
Okay, places everybody. Get the scene, Tom.
Murder for laughs.
Tonight's story opens in the private office of Captain Corlett, a conscientious police executive.
Clayton Rogers, the police reporter, barges into the office as Corlett looks up from the letter.
Hey, why don't you knock before... Oh, it's you.
Right, Captain Corlett. What's the matter? Out there bothering you again?
Ah, it's a wonder I got any stomach laughs with all the worry that campaign of yours is causing me, Rogers.
The Herald is the champion of community spirit, Corlett.
If the police force doesn't function properly, it's up to the Herald to act as the voice of the people.
You sure think you're a smart guy, don't you, Rogers?
Smarter than most of your cops, Corlett.
Ah, you reporters all feel that way. You've got all the answers on paper.
You can sit at a typewriter and solve every crime that ever went on the books. You can...
Oh, no. Go on, Captain. You interest me.
Yeah, well, I'm just annoying my ulcer. It rolls off you like water off a duck's back.
Listen, the police force has a tough job. Not enough men, not enough money to get the kind of men I want.
Politicians trying to run my department for me.
Which ones, Captain? I'll be delighted to help. You just name them.
Yeah, and lose my job. Yeah, I know. You're altogether too smart for your age and size, Rogers.
Thanks, Captain. I wish the big boss would feel that way about it.
I'm surprised Mary Crews hasn't pounded some sense into your head.
Now, speaking of Mary Crews, there's a subject we agree on.
What she sees in you is beyond me. A guy who makes his living by writing half-truths and distorts you...
Oh, lay off, Corlett. You're just sore because we've got you dead to rights.
You're the one competent cop on the force and you know it.
That's not so. You think it's smart to sound off about incompetent policemen.
Well, let me tell you something. You put yourself in their spot and you wouldn't be doing half the job most of them are doing.
Don't kid yourself, Corlett. I'd be doing a way a lot better job than they're doing.
This is an age of scientific crime detection and you don't have a competent man in a carload.
I'd like to give you a little job and let you see just how good you are, sonny.
That might not be a bad idea, Corlett, but you wouldn't dare.
No. No. If I solved a case that had you stumped, I'd never let you forget it.
And neither would the Herald. We'd talk about it from now till kingdom come.
Well, maybe I've got a case that I don't think you could solve, wonder boy.
Huh? Are you leveling?
Do I sound like I'm kidding? Listen, mister, you take this baby on and I'll let the opposition newspapers know about it.
And if you flop, you'll get the razzing of the century.
You have to promise you wouldn't let your cops interfere with me.
Oh, I'll even help you any way I can. I'll get you all the help any man on the force could get.
Ah, you don't mean that. If I took it, you'd do anything you could to make me fall down on the job.
No, no. Because it happens, Rogers, that I'd a lot rather catch a murderer than escape a horse laugh from the Herald.
You solve this one and the Herald can laugh at me from now on till I retire.
What is it? That's a bit of a real murder story breaking a couple of weeks.
Say, if you've been holding out on me...
I'm not holding out on you. Well, how about it?
I'll take it. It's a deal. What's the case?
Well, you remember that accident case we got yesterday?
Hmm? Can't say I do.
Yeah, a cab starter standing in front of the Carlton Arms Hotel.
One of those big cement flower pops up on the ledge of the building.
Yeah, I remember now. It fell off and hit him. He died instantly.
You sure it fell off, Roger?
Why, sure.
Now, read this. It came in this morning's mail.
Hmm, an address to you. What is it?
Read it and see.
Dear Captain, you and your comedy cops are going to get a chance to do a lot of laughing.
There's something basically funny about a man being killed by a falling flower pot, isn't there?
That chum was a product of murder for land.
How do you like our work? You'll get a chance to snicker at more of it.
Very truly yours, murder for land.
Hey, is this on a level?
You know as much about it as I do.
But somebody who wanted to get your goat could have read about the accident and written this letter.
That's the first thing I thought of, Rogers. So I went out with a couple of men.
That flower pot had been built right into the ledge and had been broken loose with a chisel.
There had to be some motive.
Sane men don't murder just for laughs.
Sane men? No.
Look, I checked that cab starter from the cradle to that flower pot.
He was a harmless little guy, the kind that nobody even knows.
Oh, there had to be a motive. You can't...
Well, you find me a motive, bright boy, and I'll bow low three times.
You just...
Oh, hi, Mary.
Oh, morning, Mary.
Hi.
I've got a little story for your paper.
Your pal Rogers has just taken over a case for me.
Hey, now wait a minute.
Listen, Coralette, this is no time for horseplay. I've got a case for you.
What are you talking about?
I got a phone call about a half an hour ago from a woman who said she was Mrs. Martin Carver.
Claims she had a big story for me.
Ah?
Well, there was something foamy about it.
Somehow it didn't quite sound like a woman's voice, so I decided to check.
Now, there wasn't any Mrs. Martin Carver, and the address was a vacant lot, I'll bet.
The boys are having fun with you again.
There was a Mrs. Martin Carver, and the address was right.
And Mrs. Carver was there with her head bashed in with a rolling pin.
The woman was dead.
Ah, probably a disgruntled husband.
That's order.
The neighbors said her husband's overseas, been there for seven or eight months.
No enemies that they knew of.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hello.
What?
Telegram for me.
What does it say?
What?
Repeat that.
No, never mind, never mind. I heard you.
What's the matter?
There goes my ulcers again.
Just when I think I'm getting my stomach all calmed down.
Oh, put on another mic, what was it?
It was for you, wise guy.
A telegram addressed to me.
And it said, being hit over the head with a rolling pin has always been funny, hasn't it?
Murder for laughs.
But, then the same murder...
Listen, who would...
Don't ask me, Superman.
This one goes right into your department.
Remember?
Well, any luck, Hawk Show?
No, not so far, Mary.
I hope you realize that Captain Corlett's taking you for a ride.
But good.
If he'd have given me an ordinary case...
Alibi-ing already?
No, but hang it, not a clue.
Any connection between the two victims?
None whatsoever.
I'm satisfied of that.
And no motive for either murder.
Oh, there must have been.
I'm almost convinced that Captain Corlett's been killed.
What's the matter, Mary?
I'm not sure.
It's almost as if those killings were what the murderers said they were.
Murder for laughs.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not, Mary.
It's entirely possible that a maniac could kill for the joy of killing.
And if he happened to have a weird sense of humor...
You're getting desperate.
Does Captain Corlett have any clues?
No, that's one consolation.
His commie cops haven't been able to do any better than I have.
Well, they better not, Hawk Show.
Because if they do, every paper in town is going to give you the full treatment.
I guess I can take it.
You won't get a chance to take it.
Can you imagine compas old Conrad keeping a reporter who's given the opposition a chance to give the Herald a horse laugh?
Hey, I hadn't thought of that.
Well, you better think of it, mister.
Let's go up to Corlett's office and see what's going on.
Okay.
I hope he's...
Hello, Miss Poole.
Oh, hello, Annie.
Sorry, I can't use any paper flowers today.
I'm not selling any paper flowers to you, Miss Cruz.
Have the cops been picking on you again?
Oh, they never quit, Miss Cruz.
Chasing me out of office buildings, bringing me into the jail, and I ain't hurting nobody, Miss Cruz.
Oh, the big bullies.
I'll speak to Corlett about it.
Oh, don't do no good, Miss Cruz.
He told me there'd been too many complaints about me making a pest of myself.
And the next time I was brought in, he was gonna send me to an institution.
I ain't crazy, Miss Cruz. You know that.
Of course you aren't, Annie.
But it does irritate some people when you try to sell them your flowers.
When they say no, if you just leave quietly.
But everybody always says no, Miss Cruz.
Nobody'd ever buy if I didn't use the whammy.
Say, did anybody ever have bad luck, Annie, when you cast your evil spell on them?
The whammy?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, you bet, Mr. Rogers.
Terrible things happen to people when Annie puts the whammy on them.
Like what, Annie?
Oh, I wouldn't dare to tell you, Mr. Rogers.
Oh, come on. I wouldn't tell anybody.
Well, like the starter over at the Carlton Arms.
He didn't do very well after he got the whammy, did he?
You mean the one who was tipped over the head with a flower pot?
Sure. I bet he wished he hadn't laughed about the whammy.
Annie, Annie, did you ever put the whammy on a Mrs. Martin Carver?
Oh, I don't know. The name ain't familiar.
But I sure put a good one on that uppity actress in the Carlton Arms.
Only this morning.
Who?
That actress.
Thinks she's so high and mighty, sneering at me.
How horrible she says when I show her my flower.
What's her name?
Oh, let's see. Adriana something or other.
Adriana Bird?
Yeah, that's her.
Oh, my flower's horrible, will she?
Say, Mr. Rogers, couldn't you use a nice lapel flower?
Only a quarter.
Sure, Annie, sure. Here. Come on, Mary.
Where? Up at the Captain Corlette?
No, don't you remember?
We have an appointment to see Adriana Bird.
Glad you mentioned it, Annie.
Oh, yes. Goodbye, Annie.
I'll go along with you.
Maybe she's ready to take back the family by now.
Maybe I can sell her some flowers.
Why, uh, okay, Annie.
That might not be a bad idea.
Come along.
I don't like this, Mary.
They said she wasn't answering her phone.
Well, there's nothing unusual about that.
If you were working in a show every night,
you wouldn't get up in the morning either.
We've got to talk to her.
You suppose she'll buy us some flowers?
I don't know, Annie. I hope so.
I can't believe it. What you're thinking is right.
Why not?
It was a couldn't be.
Nonsense. I think we've gotten a break, Mary.
A crazy break. It all ties together.
Eh, no answer.
I wonder if we should break in.
Well, if nothing's wrong, you'll be in trouble.
I'm afraid there's not much danger of that.
Stand back.
Oh, oh, oh, terrible.
She's dead, isn't she?
Yeah, not much question about it.
Smothered.
Something stuffed with cotton and then
lays tight around her head.
It's a girdle.
Let me see.
A girdle?
What an odd instrument for murder.
Hey, just a minute.
What? The note in the hand you mean?
Yeah.
What does it say?
It's tight. It says,
Comedians seem to get a lot of lats
with references to girdles.
Funny, huh?
Murder for lats.
Is the mysterious murder for lats a person
or more than one person?
And what's the reason behind these killings?
We'll find out in the second act of tonight's story.
Meanwhile, here's a brief message from our sponsor.
And now, act two of Murder for Lats.
The scene is kept in Corlette's office,
and both Rogers and Mary Crews are there.
A stranger is being questioned by Corlette,
as Annie whimper in the background.
Oh, please, Captain, I didn't mean to...
Ah, quiet, Annie, quiet.
So Adriana Burr had no enemies that you knew about,
Mr. Mace?
None whatsoever.
She was one of the most popular women in the theater.
Generous, gracious...
She was the whammy.
I put the whammy on her.
What are you going to do with this woman, Captain?
I don't know, poor devil.
Pretty safe bet that we never will get the whole story from her.
Yeah, I don't suppose.
We put her away at cost.
Yeah, but I'm wondering about something, Mace.
I wonder if somebody didn't put her up to killing Miss Burr.
Nobody could.
Adriana had no enemies.
How long have you and Miss Burr been married, Mr. Mace?
By seven years.
See, here, you don't think...
No, no, I don't think you had anything to do with it.
But Annie here didn't have the...
Well, the mentality to figure out such goofy murders.
She's been saw at the police for a long time, Corlette.
You just hate to admit that I found your killer for you, don't you?
Look, Rogers, if I really thought you had the murderer...
Wait, Scott Corlette, what do you want?
Annie admits that she put the whammy, or whatever she calls her crazy curse,
on two of them.
She told Mary and me how the police had been shelling her around.
And she wanders all over town.
Nobody pays much attention to her.
She had plenty of opportunities to commit all three of the murders.
Yes, the whammy did it.
I ought to be able to sell flowers really good now.
What do you need, Corlette?
You have to see her kill somebody?
It seems to me you're making it tougher than you need to.
Poor Annie.
Yeah, poor Annie.
That's just the point.
She didn't commit any of these murders.
Not a blessed one.
I've given you some facts to back up my theory, Corlette.
Yeah, I can give you some facts to back up mine.
I don't know what they'd be.
Well, now Annie isn't what I'd call a comedian.
That's beside the point.
She didn't commit those murders because she didn't write those notes.
Did you, Annie?
I put the whammy on him, and it worked.
I guess maybe you'll be afraid of me now.
You won't shove me around anymore, will you?
I'm not shoving anybody around, Annie.
Now don't you worry.
Listen, Corlette.
I'm demanding that you put her under arrest.
Well, I'm not doing it.
If you don't, I'll smear you all over the herald.
I'll take my facts to the public.
I'll run you right off the police force.
I wouldn't try it, Rogers.
You've gotten into my hair plenty and I've stood still for it.
But you go breaking that kind of a story and you'll wash yourself up.
Are you threatening me?
I'm not so sure these murders weren't your work, Rogers.
What?
What are you talking about?
All right, it makes sense.
Just as much sense as what he's been saying about Annie.
He's been on an assignment to smear the police force with a flock of stories.
So first he makes us look bad with a series of comic opera murders.
And then he makes himself the big hero by finding a killer.
Isn't that a bit far-fetched, Captain?
No more than what he's been yipping about Annie.
Let me get this straight.
You're accusing me of having murdered these people just to make the police force look bad, huh?
That's right.
But you couldn't make an idiotic thing like that stick, not in a million years.
Go ahead and try it if you want to.
I'm going back to the office and write my story.
You're forgetting something, Rogers.
Maybe I can't make my story stick.
But I can keep you from making a fool of yourself.
Of you, you mean?
I'm putting you under arrest for these murders, Rogers.
You're joking.
No, I'm not.
Well, you can't arrest me. I've done nothing and you...
I wouldn't get any closer to that door if I were you, Rogers.
You're under arrest.
One move and I shoot.
Did you get any more information out of that woman that Annie kept?
No. What kind of information do you expect me to get from her?
She's people-minded.
People-minded or not, she ought to be put away.
You've done that, haven't you?
No, I haven't even done that.
He let her go and kept Clayton Rogers in jail.
It's none of my business, Corlett, but it looks to me like you're...
Oh, hello, Annie.
Folks here are pretty worried about you.
Oh, I'll get along all right.
Now I know how well the whammy works.
The funny thing about the whammy, Captain, I wasn't ever...
Oh, stop it for heaven's sake.
Annie, what's that on your hands?
My blood in these clothes.
Blood?
Sure. I tried the whammy on a guy right after I left here to see if it really worked.
He got real nasty with me about buying flowers, so I put it on him good.
It runs the park and locks downstairs, you see.
But that blood?
I'm coming to it. I come back like you told me, Captain,
but I decide to see how the whammy's working, if it's started yet.
There's nobody around the parking lot, so I go into the little shaft, and there he is.
He was dead.
Dead? How had he been killed?
That was kind of peculiar.
Half pin jammed through his heart with this piece of paper stuck right on the half pin.
I tore it off. Oh, bloody.
Here, give it here.
You read jokes about people getting jabbed with half pins.
Pretty funny, yes?
Murder for laughs.
I guess that convinces you, doesn't it, Corlant?
Convinces me of what?
That Annie's the killer.
It doesn't convince me of anything of the kind.
But you surely don't think I killed this parking lot attendant, not while I was in jail.
I never thought you killed anybody, Rogers.
Put that woman under arrest and get it over with, Captain.
You just keep away from me. You've picked on me enough.
Look, Annie, did anybody ever tell you to try to sell flowers to that cab starter at the Carleton Arms?
No. I got a right to sell flowers wherever I want to.
I know. Did anybody ever tell you to try to sell your flowers to any of these other people?
No. Nobody but that upper theatrist.
What?
She was the only one.
Oh, and somebody told you to try and sell her some flowers?
Sure. This man right here. He said she liked flowers and she'd buy lots of them. And she didn't.
How about that, Mace? You tell Annie to pester your wife?
Of course not. Adriana hated that sort of thing.
She did so, you told me. You said she'd buy lots of flowers.
For the love of heaven, Corlette, what difference does it make?
Put her in jail before she kills someone else.
You didn't tell Annie to talk to your wife, Mace?
Why, certainly not. You surely won't take the word of a crazy...
I don't know what I'll take, Mace. You loved your wife, did you?
Yes. Yes, of course I loved her.
Did you ever have any fights with her?
No. No. We got along beautifully. She was beautiful, talented, successful woman.
I think I'll do a little checking there, Mace.
But there's nothing to check. You have the murderer, you have the motive, you have everything.
Well, I'll check anyway.
Well, suit yourself, but I don't see why...
Because I think you killed your wife, Mace.
What? Why, that's as idiotic as...
As the rest of these murders? No, no. I don't think so, Mace.
You and your wife are living at the Crofton Arms. Annie hung around there a lot.
Sure, she hung around there. And all the murders have been right in that facility.
Doesn't that prove...
Where were you yesterday morning when your wife was murdered, Mr. Mace?
Why, over at the theater, I suppose.
For how long?
I don't know. But this murder was one of a group.
Anybody see you at the theater?
Why, I don't know. Listen, I won't stand for this.
Sit down. I don't have to check on you and your wife, Mace.
I've already checked right after the murder.
Just wanted to see if you'd deny you were having trouble with her.
But I don't see what difference that makes. This was one of a...
I know. One of the murders for laughs.
Only this one wasn't for laughs. Your wife had been to a lawyer, Mace.
She was suing for divorce and demanding an accounting of $200,000.
She claimed you'd stolen.
There was nothing to it.
Adriana, well, she had the temperament of a true artist. Very excitable.
It isn't bad enough for you to try to pin murder onto a helpless, demented old woman.
You had to kill three innocent people just to establish your alibi.
No reason in the world for those other three murders. Just done for laughs.
You must be mistaken.
Oh, I'm not mistaken. When I turned Annie loose, I had her followed.
But somebody else followed her, too.
Followed her until she put her whammy, as she calls it, on the parking lot guy.
No, no, that's a lie.
The cop who followed Annie ain't much on imagination, Mr. Mace.
He couldn't make a description to fit you that well, not if he deliberately tried.
You're under arrest, Mace.
No, you can't do such a thing. I have some rights.
Once we had a suspect, we could do a lot.
That rolling pin came from a store near the Carlton Arms.
The clerk remembered selling it to a man.
A man who didn't look like the kind of a guy who baked very much bread.
We found a chisel in your suitcase.
And I imagine we'll find the half pin originally belonged to Adriana Burr.
I think you've thought too much already, Captain.
Colette, look out, he has a gun.
Yes, you bet I have a gun. And this murder won't be for laughs.
If you'd had any imagination, you'd never in the world have suspected me
to put that crazy flower woman in jail.
Well, thanks to your stupidity, you found me out.
And thanks to your stupidity, you're going to die for it.
Look out, Colette.
My ulcer will bother me a lot more than that kind of shooting, Mace.
My wrist. You've shot my wrist?
Yeah. I could have killed you.
But a murderer like you doesn't deserve that easy an out.
I want to see if you'll laugh in the electric chair.