Mystery House.
That strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn, where each new
novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it is accepted for
publication. Mystery House.
Say that's tough, Barbie. Dan having to go out of town this week. He's missing the
chance to act in a swell story of Mystery House tonight. It's a very peculiar story,
Art. Good characters, Barbie. Oh, if you're worrying about a good part for
yourself, Art, you have a honey. Oh listen, Barb, you know it wasn't that. Tom, you tell
her my sole interest is in the show as a whole. She won't believe me. Well, Art, I
think everybody has to have a personal interest in everything they do. You have a
personal interest in all your work, do you, Tom? Why, certainly. Now, you take this
message. Just listen. Okay, places everybody. Set the scene, Tom.
Laugh? I thought I'd die. Tonight's story opens in the luxurious but overly ornate
dining room of Amos Gadley, a millionaire and an incurable practical joker. Three
other people are seated around the table. I think you'll find this coffee a rare
treat. It's my own special blend, imported especially for my use. Give
everybody a generous cup, Jefferson. Yes, Mr. Gadley. Drink hearty, friend. You'll
never get anything like it. Is this another of your jokes, Gadley? What's wrong
with the coffee? Wrong? Don't trust me, Aunt Carmen. It's wonderful coffee.
Wonderful. No, thank you. And I wouldn't take any either if I were you, Garnet.
Don't worry, Lance. I won't. Drink up, all of you. I'm a man of whims and I might
decide that I don't like one of you, unless you do as I say. That would be
pretty funny. You're always funny, Gadley, but I have no sense of humor. Quiet. Nobody
who lives in my charity can talk that way to me. It doesn't amuse me. Drink your
coffee, all of you. The clown prince has spoken. If he tells me to eat gravel,
I suppose I must. I'll drink it, but I don't have to like it, do I? You love it.
I will get you ten on that. Well, here goes. A toast to the funniest man in the
world. Carmen, sit down. Well, lay sure of yourselves, all of you. It's about time I had this little
dinner. I've been wondering what the point is. I suppose it's something
screamingly funny. We have a point to make, too, Gadley. We've talked things over
and we've decided we're through feeling like charity wards. You're giving us no
more than we deserve. We don't propose to go on being stooges for your stupid jokes.
You think not, eh? You're going. Oh, no! Carmen, what's the matter?
Your face! And Garnet! And yours, too, my dear. We're all turning blue. Our skin.
Not me. I ain't blue. What was in that coffee? A little chemical, Mr. Garnet, and don't
worry, it's quite harmless. As harmless as all your little pranks, I suppose? I have the word of a
reliable doctor that all it'll do is tint the skin of brilliant blue. It'll wear off
completely in 24 hours. So for 24 hours we look like circus freaks. Yes, Carmen,
darling, for 24 hours. Maybe a little inconvenient. Anything for a laugh? Maybe,
but this isn't for laughs. I wonder which one of you has seen this letter before. How would we know
whether we've seen it before or not? It's just a plain white envelope with your name
and address typed on it and no return address. Of course you wouldn't know. None of you would
know. Maybe I'd better read it to you. Yes, that might be a good idea. Dear, fat, funny boy,
nobody loves a good laugh as much as you do and this will kill you. You'll be dead by midnight
Saturday. What? That's tonight. Don't interrupt. You probably won't appreciate the humor of your
murder, but it'll be a big laugh to at least three people. And the letter's signed,
guess who? Pretty good, eh? Excellent. Yeah, well it was supposed to scare me, but it didn't.
Maybe it should have scared you, Gadley. It had to be one of you three and so we're going to have a
most amusing experiment this evening. Experiment? What are you up to now? Jefferson and I will
search all three of you for any possible weapons. Listen, you don't. I think that you three are the
ones mentioned in that letter, the ones who'd get a big laugh from my murder. Maybe you're right.
I've been a practical joker for years. You're telling us. I've had a lot of fun, a lot of fun.
You three were, well, my failures. Three jokes that failed to come off. Three jokes that failed to
come off, just like that. Why, you rotten, filthy, fat old devil, you... Shut up! I'm not joking now,
Lance, and I can be pretty mean when I'm in the mood. I've paid all three of you, made up for
everything. If you think you could ever make up for what you've done to me, you're mistaken.
I've never felt humble about taking your money. Fine, fine. I wanted to be sure I had the right
three and I'm sure I have. Now we're going to have some fun. What time is it, Jefferson?
Ten thirty, sir. Excellent. The experiment should take about an hour. Jefferson,
telephone the police station for me. Yes, sir. What is this anyway? What are you trying to pull?
You'll know soon enough. Here you are, sir. Hello. I'd like to speak to Captain Linwood,
please. Hello, Captain. This is Amos J. Gadley, Delacorte Apartments. I'm about to be murdered,
Captain Linwood. Oh, I don't know exactly, Captain, but certain people are very blue about it.
No, no, I'm not joking. Never was more serious in my life. Goodbye. Well, I'm satisfied none of
you has any weapons. Hey, Jefferson? Yes, quite satisfied, sir. All right, bring in the tray.
I don't get that, Gadley. You will, Carmen. You will. Here you are, sir. The tree. A revolver,
a hunting knife and a sledgehammer on it. Say, what's this going to be? A suicide party? That
wouldn't be a bad idea at all, Garnett. No, these weapons are for your convenience. In deference to
the weaker sex, I think Carmen should have first choice of weapons. What's the big idea? Is this
another of your jokes? No joke, Garnett. Here's the idea. You make a choice of weapons,
then Jefferson will turn out the lights at a signal. Each of you will grab your weapon from
the tray. You're crazy. Lights all out. Each of you with a weapon. And then if my guess is right,
you try to kill me. This isn't funny, Gadley. I'm going home. Oh, no, you're not. Because if any one
of you refuses to go through with my plans, you don't get any more allowance. You're broke.
No use arguing with him. He'll win as usual. All right, Gadley, I'll take the revolver.
The revolver, it is a very ladylike choice. Lance, I suppose you yield second choice to Garnett.
He cost me more than you do. I want no choice at all. You take one all right. Mr. Garnett,
this knife or the sledgehammer. The sledgehammer appeals to me, Gadley. And I hope I can make a
lucky swing in the dark. I'll be trying, I assure you. Thank you, Mr. Garnett. You make the game so
much more fun for me. I guess that leaves the knife for the ex-surgeon, Lance. Something poetic
about things working out that way, isn't there? You're out of your mind. You can't go through with
this. You think not? Line up against the wall, all three of you. Hurry. We might as well. All right.
I'm going to stand over here at the opposite end of the room. The second the lights go out,
make a dash for the weapons. I suppose we'll stumble over a cord or something. No,
I promise. See here, Gadley, you can make us play this game, but you can't make us pick up
those weapons or use them. No, don't argue with him, Lance. Are you ready, Jefferson? Yes, sir. When
I count to three, turn off the lights. Right, sir. Keep your eyes on the tray, all of you. One, two, three.
Hey, what the... Oh, pardon me. May the best man win.
Close, Carmen. There are four more cartridges left. Don't worry. I just wanted to see if the gun was
really loaded. Hey, be careful with that gun, Carmen. Nice try with the knife, Lance. I believe you cut my
coat sleeve a little. You're a batch. I wasn't even near you. Very good, Lance. You're smarter than I
thought. That was exactly the right thing to say. Excellent. You're really putting me on my
metal. Unfortunately, Mr. Garnett, you hit my shoulder instead of my head and the shoulder's much
better padded. Oh, you devil. You're asking to be murdered. All right, you'll get what you want. Carmen, no.
That's what I call exciting. The novelty's worn off. Turn on the lights, Jefferson. Turn them on. Right, sir.
Mr. Garnett. Garnett, speak to me. Garnett. No use, Gatley. He's dead. Oh, he couldn't be dead.
Somebody's trying to... You wanted a murder tonight and it looks like you got it. I hope you're satisfied.
Murder? Certainly. You killed him, Gatley. First you killed his soul and now his body.
I hope you hang.
I know your reputation as a practical joker, Gatley, or it'll have been here sooner. I thought you were
trying to be funny. As a matter of fact, I was, Captain, I would. Say, uh, how about having one of
your cigars, Gatley? Hope you don't mind. But... Don't mention it. Thanks. All right, good cigars, Gatley.
What the place are you trying to pull, Gatley? Oh, those cigars aren't dangerous now, Captain Lindwood.
His exploding cigars have been toned down considerably since... since... Since when?
Since I was a young surgeon. Gatley gave me one of his cigars before he'd quite perfected his formula.
Tetanus infection in my right hand. Result? Three fingers amputated. End of a career.
Yeah? Real cute, wasn't he? I've made it up to him, Captain. I pay him $200 a month.
My lawyers drew up a life contract with him. Life contract, huh? Then it'll be worth $200 a month
to you for him to be dead, as far as you're concerned. Well, I don't mind the expense.
I don't suppose you was paying Garnett anything too by any chance? I can answer that for you, Captain.
Garnett got more than any of us. $500 a month. You little ingrate!
Garnett was an artist years ago, and a good one. But Gatley had a funny boot near in his lapel one day.
It squirted water in your face when he squeezed a bolt. Shut up, you little fool!
Gatley wasn't satisfied with just squirting water. He worked out a solution that would make your skin itch.
Got into Garnett's eyes and practically blinded him. That was the end of Garnett's painting.
Beg pardon, Miss, but is Gatley connected with with your...
My being crippled? Yes. I was a dancer 10 years ago. Did an adagio act with my partner.
Gatley was sitting in one of the front upper boxes. He tossed some carpet tacks onto the stage,
just as I was starting our hardest routine. I stepped on a tack and missed my partner's arms.
I was in the hospital two years. I paid all the bills, Miss.
I paid all the bills, didn't I? Sure, you paid the bills. You've been paying them ever since.
And isn't that just wonderful of you? Yeah, seems like a comical guy, all right.
Hey, you. Me, sir? Yes, you. What's your particular ailment?
Ailment, sir? Yeah, what's Gatley done to you?
Oh, nothing, sir. He's been wonderful to me, sir. Jefferson's his stooge.
And some things I don't get about this. Sounds awful fishy.
You say you gave all three of these wards of yours a chance to kill you.
Oh, but that was all a joke, Captain Linwood. They couldn't kill me.
What do you mean they couldn't kill you? I wanted to see which one had the nerve to
try murdering me. Which one had sent that letter. The revolver was loaded with blanks.
A knife wouldn't kill a flea. Why not?
A very clever knife. The blade slips right up into the handle the minute it touches anything.
See?
Hmm. Somebody spent a lot of time to make a fool of a thing like that.
But this sledgehammer, now don't tell me that...
It's murderous, doesn't it? I didn't hurt a bit. I scarcely felt it.
The weight's all in the end of the handle. The actual sledgehammer is made of balsa wood,
painted black. Doesn't weigh half an ounce. Anything for a laugh, huh?
But here's something I found, and it ain't so comical.
What? It's a toy.
It's a toy balloon. Like they sell at circuses.
Yeah. But this little toy balloon killed Garnet.
See how much of a chuckle you can get out of that.
Garnet killed by a toy balloon. Doesn't seem possible.
But strange things happen in Mystery House.
You'll find out all about it in the second act of tonight's story.
And now, act two of... Laugh? I thought I'd die.
We go to Captain Linwood's office in the police station.
He's talking to Amos Gatley's butler Jefferson as the scene opens.
You know anything about that balloon, Jefferson? A balloon?
I talk plain enough. The big red rubber balloon in the base of the ash stand in Gatley's apartment.
You're all wrong about Mr. Gatley, sir. He's innocent. Absolutely innocent.
He's a good man and a generous one. And he has a wonderful sense of humor.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm laughing fit to bust.
Now, what was that balloon doing in the base of the ash stand?
Why, what difference could it possibly make, sir?
Because there were faint traces of a very deadly poison gas in it.
And that's what killed Garnett.
Oh, you're all wrong, sir. Mr. Gatley filled the balloon with air
and put it down in the base of the ash stand for a joke, sir.
A joke?
Yes, indeed, sir.
Now, tell me why I should laugh.
Why, don't you see, sir? Somebody drops their cigarette down into the ash stand
and presses the button to let it down into the hollow base.
It hits the balloon and bang.
You saw him blow it up with air?
I... quite.
Yes, the balloon wasn't busted, Jefferson, but it was empty.
And you're lying.
Well, maybe I didn't see him actually blow it up, sir.
But he told me he did.
Oh, he told you he did, huh?
And he told you he didn't mind paying Garnett 500 bucks a month, too, I suppose.
You've got to let me out of this jail, Linwood.
My lawyers will have you walking a beat before you get through with this.
So you don't know from nothing about a balloon in the ash stand, huh?
No, no, no. I've told you that.
You weren't playing a cute little practical joke.
No. How many times do I have to tell you no?
Oh, it's no good, Gadley. You were tired of paying.
If you could kill one and make it look like one of the other two did the job,
you could cut your payments a lot.
That's ridiculous.
You thought you were safe.
You had the balloon filled with deadly poison gas.
I don't know anything about any balloon, I tell you.
Yeah, I heard that before.
Garnett was getting more money from you than either of the others.
You held the balloon in front of his face and slowly released the gas.
You're mad.
Then you dropped the empty balloon back in the ash stand
and pressed the button to let it down into the base.
You thought it would never be found.
You can't do this to me. It's a frame up.
A silly little toy balloon,
but it collapsed with a bit of poison gas still in it.
You know what that means, Gadley?
You're an utter idiot. You're insane.
It means the electric chair for you, Gadley.
Hello, Carmen.
I think the police have found out that Garnett loaned you money
after his wife left him. He didn't?
Oh, but I happen to know.
And you hadn't paid it back, had you?
I'd tell the police all about it if I were you
before you get into trouble.
Why, Mr. Jefferson? What do you think you're doing?
You... you heard what...
Every word of it. I've been following you.
And you might as well quit trying to clear your boss
because this is going to be one joke that's on him.
You again.
Yeah, and this time maybe I got something that'll help you.
I don't know, but I ain't a guy to let my prejudices overcome my duty.
You're a stupid fool.
Maybe, but I'm not alone if I am.
Did Mr. Lance and Mr. Garnett ever have a quarrel
when they were in your apartment?
Why, I don't know. Maybe they did.
You didn't hear one?
Maybe. I don't remember.
Oh, you know, I'm going to throw that butler of yours in the clink
right along with you if he don't quit messing up this case.
What do you mean?
He told me Lance and Garnett nearly came to blows at your place
a couple of weeks before the murder that you pulled him apart and that Lance said to Garnett.
Yes, yes, it's true. Absolutely true.
Oh, you remember now, huh?
Certainly I remember. They had a fight, a bad one.
Then suppose you tell me what Lance said to Garnett.
Why, I don't remember.
That's what I thought.
Your butler told me Lance said to Garnett,
I'll kill you the first chance I get.
Oh, you'd have remembered that, Gatley, if it had ever been said.
Good evening, Mr. Gatley, sir.
Jefferson, good old Jefferson.
They let you come to tell me the governor's going to grant a reprieve.
I, I'm sorry, sir.
He is not, but they can't convict an innocent man, Jefferson.
They can't do it.
I hate to see you so nervous, sir.
You were always so gay, so full of jokes and hijinks, sir.
Hijinks, sir. This is, well, no way to die, sir.
You're right, Jefferson.
You could, how is it they say, the young people, sir?
You could dish it out.
Are you going to let them say you couldn't take it?
I, no. Thanks, Jefferson.
You've meant a lot to me. You stood by me through everything.
It was nothing, sir.
They're going to electrocute me, Jefferson. That'll be quite a shock, eh?
Get it, Jefferson? Quite a shock.
Oh, very good, sir.
The silence will probably be electrifying.
I guess I can take it.
Jefferson?
Of course you can, sir.
I'd give a sparkling performance tonight, Jefferson.
Oh, very good, sir.
Anything for a laugh, Jefferson.
Have a good, eh?
No, no, I'm afraid. Don't leave me, Jefferson.
No, don't leave me, Jefferson.
That's very funny, sir. That's the funniest yet.
Well, I'll be seeing you in tomorrow's paper.
Say, that wasn't bad either, was it?
Bye-bye.
I'm holding a wire open to the governor's mansion.
There may be a last minute reprieve.
What do you think, Captain?
I... Well, if there is, I'll resign.
Jefferson.
Yes. I just came from the death cell.
They told me you'd know if a reprieve had come through.
Yes, I will know.
Sit down, Jefferson. How was he?
Oh, very brave, sir. Until just before I left.
I had quite a time trying to cheer him up then.
How many minutes to go, Captain?
Just one.
Something could still happen.
Yeah, but it would be a miracle.
What was it you liked so much about the guy anyway, Jefferson?
You know, that's been bothering me.
It was, I suppose, his jollity, sir.
So full of jokes.
Yeah.
Fifteen seconds.
He did such comical things,
things that some people wouldn't think were funny at all.
But Mr. Gadley could find the humor in them.
Just a minute.
Glenwood speaking.
What?
Pronounced dead, huh?
Thank you.
It's all over?
Yeah, all over.
Well, that's that.
Say, did they ever manage to trace Garnett's wife?
No, she disappeared completely.
Too bad you didn't trace her, Captain Glenwood.
Hmm? Why, Jefferson?
Because she was my daughter.
What?
If you had found her, you'd have known I killed Garnett.
What's that?
You killed Garnett?
Yes, I killed him.
I imagine he thanked me for it.
He had nothing to live for.
He was getting $500 a month, wasn't he?
Garnett wasn't interested in money.
He was interested in achievement.
Yes, I killed him.
Well, if you weren't sore at him, why kill him?
Because it was the best way to kill Mr. Gadley.
He was to blame for all my daughter's trouble.
She and Garnett were extremely happy till Gadley ruined his career.
But you were trying to protect Gadley all the time.
Yes, but in an extremely bungling way, wasn't it?
Great scut.
And we've electrocuted an innocent man.
Innocent? I'd hardly say that, sir.
I don't think you've ever electrocuted a wicketer man.
I, uh, I'm sorry, Jefferson.
I'll have to put you under arrest.
It's quite all right, sir.
All right.
And Gadley electrocuted when he was innocent?
Yeah.
Innocent? Yeah.
Good joke on him, wasn't it?