Mystery House
Mystery House, that strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn
where each new novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it is
accepted for publication. Mystery House.
Barbie, I've read the script for tonight's story and I'd be willing to bet it'll
fool the folks. Well it certainly fooled me. Shouldn't you change it then Mr. Glenn?
Change it? Why? We want to keep folks baffled. Well with a detective story I
guess that's right. Oh guess it, I know. People don't want to be fooled about
facts though Mr. Glenn. They want the absolute truth. I think this is leading
up to something Tom. What absolute truth are you trying to put across tonight?
Thanks Mrs. Glenn. Thanks for the opening. Just listening you'll find out.
Okay, places everybody. Set the scene for tonight's story, will you Tom? Murder takes
practice. Tonight's story opens in the luxuriously furnished study of Fred
Ellsworth, an elderly gentleman who has called a private detective to his home.
I want you to live right in this house with us Barton. If you need more men, get
them. Expense is not to be a factor, understand? Are you sure somebody's
trying to murder you Mr. Ellsworth? You know murder isn't a very complicated
thing. All a killer has to do is kill. I've told you somebody's trying to murder
me. You're to accept what I tell you while you're working for me. Okay, but there
might be another angle. If anybody wanted to kill you, why wouldn't you be dead by
this time? Consider what's happened. First my Great Dane dog dies. The
veterinarian performs an autopsy and the cause of death is arsenic, enough to kill
a herd of horses. Well maybe somebody didn't like the dog. I've always been
sort of edgy about those big dogs myself. I'm not a fool Barton. You think I am?
Perhaps I better call some other detective agency. Let me show you what I
found, or rather what Patty found in one of the wastebaskets. Who's Patty? My niece.
Here, look at it. What is it? Looks like an architect's drawing. Yes, but it's a
drawing of my bedroom. Everything in the room marked in and notice that dotted
line in the window to the bed. Another dotted line in the door to the bed.
Another from the bath to my bed. What of it? I've been awakened three different
mornings by a dried bean hitting my face. A bean shot with some force and I
suspect those beans have come from the three places shown on the diagram. The
window, the hall, the bath. Do you see anybody? No. The first time I didn't even
look. I was too startled and I hadn't seen this full diagram. But if anybody
were really trying to kill you... It would have been a bullet not a bean. Of course I
know that. Anybody would know that. Well then I don't see what makes you think
you're slated for murder. Somebody's practicing Barton. Practicing? People
don't practice on murder. I'm up against a killer who's taking no chances. Who
wants to be sure of committing a perfect crime. Well then you must have some idea
of who the killer is. Of course I have. Somebody in my household, naturally. Why
do you say naturally? Because there isn't a person in this place I wouldn't
suspect of it. Even your niece? She showed me that diagram certainly. If you were
planning a murder, don't you think it would be rather clever to act like you
were helping to prevent it? Why should she kill you? She fancies I've done her
some grave injuries, the little fool. Injuries? Like what? Both she and Lucian
are wards of mine. Lucian is my late sister's son. Patty is my late brother's
daughter. I think they'd be pretty grateful to you for taking them in. Patty
wants control of her money. She wants all kinds of things. She wants to marry an
old good Moronic Gigolo. Oh she has money of her own then. In trust to be given her
at the discretion of a board of which I'm the chairman. Uh-huh. Well how about the
boy Lucian? He doesn't have a dime of his own. I never will have until I die. He's
fond of you, is he? He hates me. He feels very much injured because I forced him to
take engineering so he can take a place in my organization. Engineering, huh?
Engineers make plans and diagrams, don't they? Yes. Who is it? Carrie, I wanted to talk to you.
All right, all right. Come in. Oh, I didn't know you had anyone with you.
Carrie, this is Mr. Barton. He's going to stay with us a while. A new butler? That's
very nice. This house has been so upset since the last one. No, no, he's not a
butler. Mr. Barton's a detective. A detective? But why? I'm going to find out
who killed Nader, Carrie. Oh, but don't you think it was an accident, Cousin Fred?
She was such a big dog. Nonsense, Carrie. Dogs don't eat arsenic by accidents, not
even big dogs. No, I suppose not. Oh dear, I do hope you don't think I'm being rude,
Mr. Barton, but this is going to complicate things. Well, I won't be any
bother. At least I'll try not to be, Miss... Tinley, Carrie Tinley. I, well, I sort of
keep house for Cousin Fred and with the cook leaving... Oh, don't act like a martyr,
Carrie. She only left two days ago and if you'd ever get firm with the
employment agent... Oh, I was quite insistent, Cousin Fred, but you see the last cook,
Myrtle, told them at the agency why she had left and they won't send anymore.
We'll discuss that later, Carrie. Just a second. Miss Tinley, why did the last cook leave?
It's of no consequence, Barton. Yeah, but why did she leave, Miss Tinley? Why? That
will do, Carrie. Mr. Ellsworth, I'm going to help you. I have to know what's going
on here. This doesn't concern you, Barton. I'll see you later, Carrie. Miss Tinley,
why did the cook leave? Why, I don't know that I should tell you, Mr. Barton. Listen,
Barton, you're working for me and you'll follow my orders. Yeah? Unless I can run
things the way I want to, I'm not working for you or anybody else, Mr. Ellsworth.
What's all the row? Oh, hello, Patty. Your uncle doesn't want Miss Tinley to tell me
why the cook left. I should rather think not. Please. The only solution I can think
of is for Uncle Fred to do all the cooking himself. Why? He frightens them
all out of their wits, insisting that they taste a little of everything in
front of him. Patty. You see, he's afraid his food may be poisoned. Oh, is that
right, Mr. Ellsworth? I'm not a crank, Barton, regardless of what you think. Well,
it's really pretty stupid, Mr. Barton. A month ago, he ate some fish that didn't
agree with it. It was poisoned. None of the rest of us suffered any ill effects.
No, because none of the rest of you were eating poisoned food. It was aimed at me. A
guilty conscience does strange things, Uncle Fred. You think people are trying
to kill you because you think deep down in your heart that they have a reason to.
Young lady, you can't talk to me like this. Oh dear. Patty, don't you think that...
I think all right. I think Uncle Fred's riding for a fall. He's played the
high-handed dictator with all of us. Patty, you mustn't talk like that. Oh, don't be
such a jellyfish, Carrie. He's treated you shamefully. You can't call your soul
your own. Why, you could do better working as a housemaid than you do here.
His own cousin. You've given the best years of your life looking out for him
and he treats you like so much dirt. You're getting pretty brave, aren't you,
Patty? I don't know why I should kowtow to you. I've decided you're never going
to let me run my own life anyway. Hi. Hey, where is everybody? In the study, Lucian.
Come on. Don't call him in here. Mr. Barton and I were having a private
conference. Hey, what is this? A family convention? Oh, pardon me. I don't know
you, do I? This is Mr. Barton, Lucian. He's a detective. Detective? What's so funny,
Lucian? You are, Unki. He thinks somebody's trying to kill him. Yeah. What do you
think? Oh, I'm not supposed to think. Nobody else in the house has any right to
think. Nobody but Uncle Fred. He does all the thinking. You'd better be careful
how you talk, young man. You used to make me believe that, Unki, but not anymore.
No. You wouldn't toss me out because then you couldn't control me and you enjoy it
too much. Lucian, please don't upset Cousin Fred. Please. Worried, Carrie? Neither one
of us needs to worry. You're too good a workhorse to get sacked and I'm too
perfect a puppet. And he's scared anyway, Carrie. Look at him. He's lost weight this
last month. He's jittery. Why he... Stop it, you ungrateful little bum. Ungrateful?
What am I supposed to be grateful for, Unki? You've never let me do anything I
wanted to do. You've tried to make me a carbon copy of you. And when I look at
the original... No. No. I'm not grateful. Get out of here. This minute. I'm through
with you, understand? Get out. You really mean that, Unki? You bet I mean it. Oh, boy,
what a break. I've been trying to get up my courage for this for a long time and
now that it's happened, wow. You ought to try it, Carrie. Lucian, you don't know what
you're saying. Ellsworth, you don't really want Lucian to leave. You... Don't give him a
chance to change his mind, Carrie. And by the way, why don't you join me? What? Oh, I
don't mean come with me, but why don't you come to life and clear out of here?
You'll never find a better time. Get out, Lucian, and be quick about it. Right, Unki.
You know, I haven't got a dime in the world and no place to go. I suppose I
should be worried. But you know how I feel? Just wonderful. So long, Unki.
Well, I wanted to do that for a long time. It's... Well, it's a relief having it over.
Wasn't very smart, Mr. Ellsworth. Look, Barton, I won't have anyone telling me...
You got me telling you right now. Just suppose Lucian is the one who's trying to
murder you because he hates you. Then I'm rid of him. He knows this house like a
book, and if he hated you enough to want to kill you before, how does he feel now?
You shouldn't get so upset, dear. You must learn to control yourself, Patty. You'd be
better off if you didn't control yourself so well. Poor Lucian. I wonder what's
going to happen to him. You know, I have a feeling Cousin Fred will be easier to
be around now that Lucian's gone. I don't like to say this, but I think Lucian was
playing jokes on him. Playing jokes on him? That diagram Cousin Fred made such a
fuss about. I don't know whether I should tell anybody or not, but well, I saw
Lucian throw it in the wastebasket. What? I'll be darned. You're sure, Carrie? Why,
yes? We better tell him about it, Fred. No, no, I wouldn't want to do anything to
cause anybody any trouble. Come back, please. Oh, for heaven's sakes, get some
backbone, Carrie. Where is he? In his study with that detective. You know, I'm
not sure I trust that man. You're afraid of your own shadow. Come on. But you
mustn't go in without knocking. Cousin Fred won't permit that. You know he won't.
There's nobody. You might have been killed. What is that? It's an iron dumbbell from
Lucian's gymnasium stuff. You can see it was held over the door by a piece of
rope. When the door opened, the rope released it. Carrie, Carrie, that noise, what was it?
About 25 pounds of concentrated iron, Uncle Fred. Balanced right over your door.
You see, Barton? Yeah, but this is the first time I've ever seen a murderer
practice.
Is somebody trying to scare Uncle Fred, or does the would-be murderer really mean
business? And why so cautious? Why not get it over in a hurry? Hmm? Well, maybe
that's what will happen in the second act of tonight's story.
Now, act two of murder takes practice. It's 11 o'clock at night, and the Ellsworth
family is getting ready to go to bed. I wonder where Lucian's staying tonight.
I neither know nor care. Well, you're wrong there. Oh, no. If I have murder suspects, I
want to keep them where I can watch them. But you surely don't think Lucian, he
could hardly have engineered that dumbbell business. After all, he wasn't
even here. Well, he knows his way around the place, doesn't he? I'll bet you right now
I could wander around this house for weeks without any of you knowing it. After
all, this is a pretty good-sized hunk of a home. Nonsense. You don't like it because
I did what was proper under the circumstances instead of following your
advice. That noise, what was it? Just a door slamming. No, there's somebody in this house
we'll all be killed. I'll go take a look, Miss Tenley, if it'll make you feel any easier.
Halt! Wherever you are, halt or I'll shoot. I mean it. Carrie, I'm nervous enough without your screaming.
All right, kid, come on. No funny stuff. You're lucky I didn't hit you. Lucian? Well, what of it?
So you were skulking around here after you'd been told to leave. I walked out
without any clothes or money or anything. I wasn't gone an hour before I realized
I'd need some things from my room. I didn't want to talk to any of you so I
tried to get up to my room without your knowing about it and got shot at for my
pain. Do you happen to know anything about an iron dumbbell, Lucian? Huh? Oh,
don't worry, I'm not taking it with me. Been checking to see if anything was
missing, huh? Well, it's here. Carrie borrowed it to use as a door stop for a
bedroom door. Why? How about that, Carrie? Why, yes, I did, but... Oh, cousin Fred, you don't think
that means I put the thing up over your door. It's funny you hadn't mentioned it,
Carrie. There's nothing funny about it. If something from your room were used in a
murder attempt, I don't think you'd mention it either. You sound like a very
philosophical person, Barton, but I've got a hotel room to find tonight so if
you'll promise not to shoot at me again, I'll go on up and get my things. No, you're
not leaving here tonight, Lucian. You want a bet? I'd bet a good deal on it.
You're a suspect. Oh, you flatter me. If you think I'm trying to murder Uncle, I
should think you'd want me to clear out in a hurry. I'd like to keep murder
suspects where I can watch them. Oh, by the way, that brings up what we were
coming to see you about, Uncle Fred. No, Patty, please. Coming to see me about? Yes, I
wondered what you two were doing in the study. You've both been forbidden to
enter the place without my being there. But we... that is, at least I thought you
were there. And you know what I've always said about knocking before you
come in, don't you? Well? Yes, yes, I mentioned that to Patty when she started
to open the door. Oh, let's not have another of those idiotic squabbles
about the sacredness of your study. We came to tell you that Carrie... No, Patty,
you mustn't. It was different when I thought Lucian had left, but now you just
can't. Can't what? What is this, anyway? Carrie says she saw you making that
diagram of Uncle Fred's room. What? Of course I made a diagram of his room, or
rather a floor plan. Yeah? Why? It was a classroom assignment. Floor plan of the
largest bedroom in the house. I suppose it was part of your assignment to make
those dotted lines from the window and the two doors to your uncle's bed. I
didn't make any dotted lines. Somebody else did that. Somebody who saw me
working and wanted to get me in bad. No, Lucian, I wouldn't hurt you for anything.
Who was it found the plan in the wastebasket? Patty. And of all the people
in the place, who gains most by Unki's death? That's not so, but I'd get aside
from what's rightfully mine already. I don't know, but I rather imagine both
you and Carrie get the bulk of Uncle Fred's own money unless he's found time
to change his will. Well, how about that, Mr. Ellsworth? Under the circumstances,
Barton, I think it would be most uncircumstance for me to explain my will
at the moment. Yeah, I see what you mean. Well, it's time to go to bed. I'm not
staying here. Yes again, lad. I'm going to escort each of you to your rooms. I'm
going to watch you go in and close your doors. And my advice is to stay there.
Who is it? Who is it, I said? Answer me. It's me, Carrie. Carrie, what in the world are you doing here?
Didn't you hear what the detective said about staying in your own room? I'm afraid,
Patty. I'm frightened after death. Lucian's here, too, and after my telling
what I saw, that plan, he may want to kill me, too. I'd rather you'd go back to your
own room, Carrie. But together, a murderer would be afraid. I've been doing some
thinking, Carrie. You admit you saw Lucian make that diagram. You ordinarily empty
the wastebaskets, but you had me do it the day I found that plan. And it was you
who told me Uncle Fred was in the study this afternoon when I almost got my head
bashed. Patty, no, surely you don't think that I would commit murder? Whoever this
murderer is, he or she is being awfully cautious. You're the most cautious
person I've ever known. You have reason to hate Uncle Fred. At least as much reason
as Lucian and I. But that's not true. Carrie, just what would you gain by Uncle
Fred's death? What? You mustn't say such a thing, Patty. You mustn't. Help! Help! Somebody for the love of heaven!
That's Uncle Fred. Come on. All right, stay in your rooms, all of you, till I tell you
differently. Oh, hang it, all of you out here. Okay, come on. Oh, oh dear. Is he dead?
Oh, it smells like chloroform in here. I can't stand. He's all right. We got to him in time.
He can't be clear under. Come on, come on, wake up. Oh, here's the cause. On his bed,
right by the pillow, a rag soaked with chloroform. Well, toss it out the window
before it makes the rest of us groggy. Okay. I woke up feeling sick. That sickly sweet
smell. I was dizzy. I tried to get up out of bed and I couldn't. I fell out, I guess,
and started crawling to the door. I called. Thank goodness you heard me. But who would
have chloroform? This stuff always makes me sick. Well, if you folks had followed my
instructions, we'd know now who did this. Why? Because after you went to bed, I stuck a
little piece of black thread on each door frame. I stuck it on with a dab of chewing gum and
then draped the thread over the doorknob. That's very clever. Yeah, it would have been. They
hadn't have all come rushing out when you called. And I don't suppose I can blame them.
I'm glad somebody came. This time, Barton, I'd like to be with you when they go to their rooms.
And I'm serving notice. I'm locking mine from the inside.
All right, all of you. Those threads are in place across your doorknobs.
Now, if anything else should happen, don't come out under any circumstances until I tell
you to. Anybody who opens a door is open to suspicion as a would-be murderer.
I hit that straight, all of you. Okay, Mr. Ellsworth, come on. Yes.
Do you suppose any of them could hear us now, Barton? I don't see how. I have a plan to trap
the murderer. A plan that will work. What kind of a plan? Here, you take my gun. You go to my room,
I'll go to yours. Well, I don't think there'll be any more murder attempts tonight. Those little
threads should keep everybody at home now that they know about them. I am not so sure. You get
into my bed, keep the gun ready, and don't go to sleep. Okay, might be worth a try at that.
At least it'll keep you from being nervous. Thanks. Good night.
Hey, hey, watch out. Don't shoot, Barton. I've got another idea. Oh, what now? Wait, wait till
I close the door so nobody will hear. All right, just a second. I'll turn on the light. No. What?
No, they might be watching. It will never do to let them know we're together. We can talk in the
dark. Okay, go ahead. What's on your mind? That day you came to my office, soliciting business as a
private detective. Yeah, what about it? I got to thinking about it afterwards. You asked a good
many questions. What of it? You weren't actually soliciting business. You were doing business right
then, weren't you? What makes you think that? Who hired you to spy on me, Barton? Harlow Morton. He
wanted you to find out why I wouldn't let Patty marry him, didn't he? Sure. You can't blame him,
can you? What did you tell him? Well, I told him I thought you'd stolen the girl's money and didn't
dare let her get married. What made you think that? A little checking into your finances. And just what
did you advise him to do about it? I told him there wasn't a thing in the world he could do about it,
unless he wanted to lose his own shirt in a slander suit. But if I'd stolen money... And you
could produce enough to cover, although it would strap you. And you're in charge of the trust. You'd
be okay, and Harlow Morton would be at your mercy. You'd get enough damages to put you back on top
again. You gave him very excellent advice. I hope he paid you well for it. Well enough. Why?
Didn't you think it odd that I should hire you to handle these murder attempts for me?
No, not at all. Most people don't know many private detectives. What a pity. What would you say if I
were to tell you that everything that's happened has been leading up to this? It's all part of a
plan. What are you talking about? Everything that's happened I've done myself. Nobody ever
suspect a man of trying to murder himself, would they? I put the dotted lines on the floor plan.
The story about the dried beans was pure fabrication. I poisoned the dog. I never liked the animal anyway.
I put that dumbbell over the door. I put the chloroform soaked rag next to my pillow. You don't
say why? To establish that somebody was trying to murder me. I knew what I was doing all the time.
Okay, I'll bite. What were you doing? Building a plan to rid myself of Patty and you. Well, maybe I'm
dense, Ellsworth, but I don't get it. And you were supposed to be a detective. First, let me assure
you that there's no use firing that revolver I gave you. You've instructed everybody to stay in
their rooms till you call and you'd never get a chance to call. That gun's loaded with blanks.
Pretty cute, Mr. Ellsworth. The gun I have in my hand is a little pearl-handled revolver that Patty
kept hidden in her dresser and is well covered with her fingerprints. I'm wearing gloves and I've
already removed the string from her door. My story will be that you asked me to change places with you.
It'll sound perfectly logical. After all, you're a detective trying to catch a murderer.
I'll have plenty of time to get back to your room again, thanks to your instruction.
I take it you're going to shoot me. Marvelous deduction.
Okay, you're too smart for me. Make sure. No, no, you don't.
Don't. Yeah, yeah, you were firing at a bunch of bedding rolled up and put under the covers,
Ellsworth. May be dumb, but one trick they teach you early in this game is you can't tell what
direction the voice is coming from in the dark. You tricked me. You. Well, it's not too late yet.
It's later than you think, Unkey. Much later. Lucien, you. Barton came and got me right after you got
into his bed, Unkey. I've heard the whole works. And this gun I'm pointing at the back of your head
isn't loaded with any blanks. That chloroform soaked rag was the tip off, Ellsworth. You had
chloroform burns on your fingers and none of the rest of them did. Ellsworth, I've seen some
bunglers in my time, but you top them all. You took more practice than any murderer who'd ever lived
and still muffed it.