Mr. House
Mystery House, that strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn, where each
new novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it is accepted for publication.
Mystery House.
Okay kids, you all have your parts for tonight's story.
Let's see, what's the title, Barbie?
It's called Vacation from Death, the story of what happens when a detective tries to
take a vacation.
Yeah, that's right.
There are plenty of good characters too.
I hope you boys will make the most of your parts.
I'll say there are good things in this script, Mr. Glenn.
Listen to this.
Okay, places everybody.
Set the scene, will you Tom?
Vacation from Death.
Tonight's story opens in a boathouse.
Skip Allen, the proprietor, is greeting Jeff Canfield, a customer he's apparently glad
to see.
Hi, you're late Mr. Canfield.
Mr. Craig's been getting impatient.
Yeah, well let him get impatient, Skip.
John McCrae's gonna have to slow down plenty if he's gonna keep with me.
Yeah, it sounds like sense to me, Mr. Canfield.
Most of you city folks do everything too fast.
That's why you all guys were young.
Why I figured I was just a stripping when I was your age.
Yeah, well Skip, nobody will ever convict you of speeding, will they?
Where's the boat?
Right off the road, ready to go.
And McCrae's got the sweetest little houseboat on the river.
You and him are in for the finest vacation you ever had.
Nothing on the river to bother you, not even a policeman.
Good.
Well, I'll see you, Skip.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go see John McCrae waiting.
So long, Mr. Canfield.
Yeah.
Hello?
Yeah?
Who?
Jeff Canfield?
Yeah, yeah, just a minute.
I can still catch him, I think.
Hey, hey, Mr. Canfield, telephone.
Tell him I'm left, Skip.
Well, it sounds like it's important.
You better answer.
All right, all right.
Hey, Skip, you haven't got a telephone hooked up on that houseboat, have you?
No, no, that's a little out of my life.
Yeah, give me the darn phone.
Yeah?
Well, I'll call you later, Mr. Canfield.
What?
Now, look, I gave you my answer on that before I left town.
Yeah, I'm on a vacation.
That's right, no more murders.
Well, there are plenty of other good detectives around.
Try one of them.
Flamon, for instance.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's still no.
I'm on a vacation.
Gee, if it doesn't take a detective to deduce that a houseboat was just about the most peaceful
way to spend a vacation that man ever invented.
Oh, well, you don't have to sell me, John.
I'm happy.
Let me sit here on the deck and drink in the silence.
We've just about started, but ah, peace, it's wonderful.
Not even thinking about that telephone call you got on the dock.
Uh-uh.
Maybe, but my hunch is that by the time we get to where this river empties into the Mississippi,
you're going to be plenty bored with peace and quiet.
Murder is in your blood, Jeff.
Not this, baby.
I've solved my last case.
I've had all the death I can stomach.
I hope you mean that.
Huh?
Wait a minute.
You say that a little too vehemently.
What have you got up your sleeve?
Well, if you must know, the real reason I invited you on this trip was to persuade you
to take charge of the protection of my plants.
A million dollar industry needs the smartest protective system available, the kind of a
system you could set up.
John, I might have known you had an angle when you pitched up this vacation idea.
Jeff, when a man gets to my time in life, he begins to think about an heir.
Don't blame me because you're not married, John.
What's that got to do with...
The whole business ties together, Jeff.
Whole business?
Yes.
You and I on a vacation together.
My offer to make you chief of my protective system and my desire for an heir.
I don't get it.
That's what I like about you.
It wouldn't occur to you.
What wouldn't occur to me?
The fact that I want you to inherit the control of my business.
What?
Exactly.
I'm an egocentric old man, Jeff.
I want my plants to go on after I'm dead, just as they have.
But that's going to take a smart man.
Well, the woods are full of smart young men.
Not smart enough.
You want me to come into your business now and then be ready to take over when you cash
in your chips, huh?
Exactly.
Why not?
Well, that's a spot for a relative, not for a private dick like me.
No, Jeff, relatives are out.
Haven't got any close ones anyway.
But the important thing is I've made up my mind about you.
I may as well say I don't change once my mind's made up.
It doesn't matter what the odds against me.
What do you bet?
What do you mean?
Well, I've got a hunch that you will change.
Hey, now, don't tell me we're going to have to work on this trip.
What's the matter with the motor?
I don't like that sound either.
Can't be much wrong with it, though.
I had old Skip Allen overhaul the whole bolt before we shoved off.
Well, I don't know anything about motors, but my guess is that we're in for trouble.
Well, maybe we ought to pull into that lagoon up there.
Take a look.
Ah, I hope you know how to monkey with motors because I'm not going to budge from this deck
chair.
I came on this ride for a vacation.
No, Jeff.
Well, here's your lagoon.
Here's a guy who looks like he knows all about motors.
Hey, see the guy sleeping in the rowboat over there?
Oh, you in the rowboat?
Dead to the world.
Get this boxcar in close to him.
Maybe he'll hear you.
Can't get too much closer.
Don't know how deep this lagoon is.
Well, you're coming up on him now.
Hey!
Hey, wake up, you!
Hey!
He's really sleeping.
Look at him.
Look at that sunburn.
He's been out here for more than a little while.
Hey!
Wake up!
He's got the right attitude.
He can give a darn for anything.
Go on, wake him up, John.
Not going to budge, huh, Jeff?
Oh, no, not me.
I am as comfortable as he is.
Well, I'll have to go over the side then.
Give me a hand here.
Yeah.
I'll put it on the rope letter.
Well, pretty frisky for an old man, John.
Hey, Jeff!
Huh?
What's the matter?
Can't you wake him?
Jeff, this man isn't asleep.
He's dead.
Good thing we hadn't gone too far from Skip Allen.
Here we are now.
Good thing?
What do you mean, a good thing?
Finding this guy dead has ruined my vacation.
Hello, Skip!
Skip Allen!
Hello!
What's the trouble out there?
Skip, we're coming back in.
Everything clear?
Sure.
What's the matter?
Here, here, grab this line when I toss it to you.
Hey, a good throw, Skip.
Pull us in, will you?
What's up, Mr. McCray?
Found a dead man, Skip, in that lagoon just around the corner.
Looks like he rented one of your boats.
A dead man?
In my boat?
Oh, you can't be serious.
I'll help us get the body ashore, will you, Skip?
All right, Jeff, I've got his feet.
All right, now, easy does it.
You weren't a fool, were you?
Here, here, here, I got it.
Let's bring him into the boathouse.
Yeah, okay.
Here.
I'll hop out right here.
Yeah.
I'll get the rope.
So I'll hop out right here.
Yeah, that'll be all right.
Okay.
I want to take another look at him before we call in the corner.
Doesn't seem to be a mark on him.
I suppose he had a heart attack?
Well, it could be, but I've got one of those pesky hunches that...
Yeah?
What do you mean, Mr. Canfield?
I told you, Jeff, you've got murder in your blood if you really want a vacation.
Yeah, I know, I know, it's just my suspicious nature.
Only, Skip, how many times have you heard of a man dying alone on the water?
from a heart attack.
Well, never heard of that, Mr. Canfield.
You see, Skip's been on the river 50 years.
Haven't you, Skip?
Oh, more than that.
Never been off the river all my life.
I still say, Jeff, you love murder.
You make it up, even where it isn't.
Here, roll him over. Let me take a look at him.
You ought to remember his face, Skip.
Probably one of the summer cottages around your place.
No, no, no.
Never laid eyes on him before.
Anybody working for you, Skip?
I mean, anybody who might have rented this man one of your boats?
No, I'm here by myself.
Never leave the place. Even sleep here.
And I know I ain't seen this guy before.
The boat had your mark on it, unmistakably.
That's right. Blue letters, S.A.
And a number 38.
38?
Well, that ain't right.
38's still here or tied up to the dock?
You sure of that, Skip?
Wasn't any question about that number, was it, John?
I thought it said 38.
Why worry about it?
You still haven't any reason to think the man was murdered?
I say forget it.
Let's get back to our houseboat cruise.
Skip can turn the body over.
We're in it now, John.
Might as well stick around and answer the coroner's questions,
whether it's murder or not.
Hiya, Skip. Whatcha doin'?
Oh, hello, Tubby.
This is Tubby Wilkins, just one of the young loafers around here.
What do you get off callin' me a loafer, Skipper?
Well, you never did a day's work, did you?
Here you are over 20 years old.
I get my day. More money than you.
Hey. Hey, what's this?
A stiff.
You ever see this man before, Tubby?
Take a good look at him.
You know him?
No.
I mean...
I mean, yeah, I seen him.
Where did you see him?
Well, it was...
Well, why don't you ask Skipper? He knows him.
What?
He must know him, the guy who rented one of Skip's boats.
Yeah, when was this?
What are you talkin' about, Tubby?
Early this mornin'.
I was out in my own boat and I saw this guy come and talk to Skipper.
Then I seen him take one of Skip's boats...
Why, that ain't true.
What were you doing out then? Fishing?
Well, yeah. Yeah, I was fishin'.
I never seen you with so much as a string in a bent safety pin.
What?
Why don't you tell him what you was really doin' on the river?
Wait a minute, Skip. What's this all about?
Ah.
There's Tubby. See what he tells ya.
He never went fishin' in his life, but he spends every night on the river.
You shut up!
He's a runner.
Goes down every night and brings up stolen goods which he delivers to a fence.
What's that got to do with his dead man?
Nothin'. Nothin', see?
I don't know, but I do know he's lying in his teeth when he says I rented a boat to this guy.
Ah, never mind, Skip, never mind.
What about it, Tubby? You still haven't told us who this guy is.
You didn't ask me.
Now, look, don't get smart.
You know who he is? Tell us and quick.
All I know is I seen him drive up with some woman and stop at the Porter Cottage last night.
Then this morning I seen him in the boat.
What's this Porter Cottage?
Well, it's one they rent. People come and stay for a week or so.
Where is it?
Right down here, about 500 yards.
Well, let's go down and see the woman.
I seen her drive away. You won't find her at the cottage.
Well, maybe not, but I'll find something.
Something that'll lead me to the answer.
The answer to a murder.
This is the Porter Place, Skip?
Yeah, yeah, this is it.
Looks as if nobody was here, all right.
I'll take a look anyway.
While I'm doing that, you'd better run over and find out what you can from Mrs. Porter.
She ought to know the name of anybody who rents her cottage.
Oh, no, I don't know about that.
Mostly these folks that want an overnight place, they just drive in and pick up a boat.
And they're going to get a good night's sleep.
Mostly these folks that want an overnight place, they just drive in and pay cash in advance.
They don't have to keep no records that way.
Well, see what you can find out anyway.
I'll be here when you get back.
Okay, Mr. Cantor.
A great way to spend a vacation.
Yeah, some vacation.
The quiet, peaceful houseboat cruise Jeff Canfield countered on was first interrupted when he and John McCrae found a dead man in a rowboat.
And now this.
It looks as if somebody else wanted Jeff to take a vacation.
The permanent kind.
But more about that later.
In the meantime.
And now act two of vacation from death.
Detective Jeff Canfield declaring it was all through with murder started off on a vacation cruise with his millionaire friend John McCrae.
Only to find a man lying dead in a rowboat.
Trying to identify the dead man Jeff has been knocked out.
As he comes to he finds Skip Allen.
Here Mr. Canfield.
Okay, okay.
Oh, who slugged me.
Hey.
It's me. It's me, Mr. Canfield.
Oh, hello, Skip.
Oh, my head.
Oh, that was some buster I got laid out.
Oh, well, yeah, are you all right?
Yeah, I'll live, I guess.
Who hit you?
That's what I'm going to find out.
Here, here, let me help you out.
Wait a minute. Who's that?
Well, what are you doing here?
Who are you anyway?
One minute there. Who are you?
My name's Norton and I'll thank you to get out of my cottage.
Oh, she must be...
Is it true that you and your husband rented this place last night from Mrs. Porter?
Well, I don't see that that's any of your business.
Now will you leave or will I have to...
Just a minute.
I don't know any excuse for breaking into a private cottage.
Well, when you've answered that telephone perhaps I can explain.
Hello?
Oh, hello.
No, just some unexpected caller.
I don't know who they are.
I'll get rid of them all right.
Sure.
What?
Tonight?
Oh, but I thought...
Oh, all right.
Yes.
Yes, you... you know I do.
Later.
Goodbye.
Mrs. Norton?
Now, what is it you want?
Do you know where your husband is now?
Why, fishing?
He went out early this morning.
My name's Canfield, Mrs. Norton. I'm a detective.
There's a possibility that the man we found...
The man you found?
Yeah. I want you to come with me, Mrs. Norton.
The man we think is your husband is...
You mean he's dead?
Jerry's dead?
No.
No, it can't be Jerry.
In my boathouse, ma'am.
Will you come with me, Mrs. Norton?
Oh.
Catch him.
I'm sorry it had to be this way, Mrs. Norton,
but he had no identification,
nothing except his fishing equipment
and this druggist box labeled salt tablets.
Well, he always used them. He got himself.
I didn't give him the mark on him except that intense sunburn.
Well, it must have been his heart. He complained about it,
but I never thought it was serious.
He had a bad heart?
Yes. He always complained.
Complained about your affairs with other men?
What do you mean? You can't...
Daddy eavesdrop? I'm sorry, Mrs. Norton.
You made it impossible for me not to overhear
what you said on the telephone.
Who were you talking to? We know your husband was dead then.
That's none of your business.
Perhaps not, but when a man's murdered,
it's none of the business of a detective.
I don't have to answer your questions.
No? Maybe you refuse to answer
because you know too much about the murder of your husband.
He wasn't murdered. You have no business.
He died under mysterious circumstances.
Until that mystery is cleared up,
it's the business of a detective to investigate.
Are you going to tell me or...? I'll tell you nothing.
Irene, run. Get out of here while I get him down here.
Oh, lick off my arm.
I'll break your arm, tubby.
Okay. Okay, you win.
All right. Now, no funny business.
You've got a lot of questions to answer.
Lay off Irene. That's all I care about.
Irene? Yeah, Mrs. Norton.
What's she to you, tubby?
You think I'm going to tell you? You're crazy.
I want an answer, tubby. Try and get one.
All right, you ask for it.
Now, do you want some more?
No. No.
I'll talk. All right.
Now, what do you know about Irene Norton?
I don't know nothing. I just know her, that's all.
You knew her well enough to call her Irene?
Well, I knew her husband.
Down on the dock, you told me you didn't know him,
that you just saw him once. Oh, sure.
I was afraid you might try to pin it on me.
Pin what on you? I didn't ask you to do anything
except identify a dead man.
Now, you know more than you're admitting.
Now, come on out with it. All I know is he was the guy
that gave me my doll. Yeah?
You know more than you're telling, tubby.
And if you aren't guilty of Jerry Norton's murder,
you better talk and talk fast.
Because if you don't talk now,
the murderer will see to it that you don't talk at all.
The houseboat's okay again, Jeff.
Whatever was wrong with the motor's been taken care of by Skip
and we're all set to push off again.
Not me, John. Oh, what do you mean?
I've got a little unfinished business to attend to yet.
You don't still have that crazy idea that Norton was murdered, do you?
I do, and it's not crazy.
You yourself admitted that there wasn't a mark on his body,
no evidence, no nothing. All right, call it a hunch.
But I've got a thousand dollars that says I can prove it was murder.
That's a lot of money to put on a hunch,
but if you're crazy enough to do it, I'll take you up on it.
Providing you don't take too long to prove it,
I'm still taking that vacation trip, remember?
And I'll take it with you in one hour.
What? Yeah.
I'll call everybody together in one hour.
Skip Allen, tubby, and Irene Norton.
And I'll have my murderer then with proof.
I still say you're crazy.
I'll be waiting on my houseboat for you and your thousand dollars.
It'll give me something to spend on my vacation.
The
Canfield? Yeah, over on the dock, Skip.
Yeah, here we are.
Here's tubby.
I ought to threaten him with a gun, you young skunk.
What do you want with me? I told you I didn't do nothing.
Never mind, tubby, never mind. You'll see why I want you.
Where's the woman?
Hasn't Mrs. Norton showed up yet? No, not yet.
But you said everybody was to meet here at 10 o'clock.
It's past that already. Yeah, I know, Skip.
Maybe she isn't going to show up.
Well, I ain't going to stay here either. See, you can't make me.
Quiet, tubby. We're going to find out who murdered Jerry Norton.
Now, you wouldn't want to miss that, would you?
I don't know nothing about it.
I ain't going to hang around and get framed or something.
Got a guilty conscience, tubby? No, listen, you...
Well, what are you going to do, Mr. Canfield?
Ah, chausser la femme, as the French say, Skipper.
We're going to find the woman in this case.
You got a motorboat ready to go?
Sure, sure. Right here, but why...
Get the motor started, Skip. We're following Mrs. Norton.
Are we? I thought that...
Earlier tonight I saw her take off in a motorboat.
In the dock?
Where would she be going in the dock?
My hunch is that she's meeting somebody.
Somebody who may know something about the murder of her husband.
Get in the boat, tubby.
Why don't you leave Irene alone? What do you think...
Get in. Okay.
Thank you, sir.
All ready, Mr. Canfield?
Ready. Shove off, Skip.
Well, I ain't seen hiding her here for a boat yet, Mr. Canfield.
Yeah, and the moonlight's bright enough so you can pick out a piece of driftwood on the river.
Just keep on down the river, Skip.
I have a hunch that we'll be seeing something very shortly.
Yeah, over there.
What do you mean?
I don't see no motorboat, just old John McCrae's houseboat.
Maybe. Head over toward it.
Okay, if you say so.
Better shut off the motor, Skip.
We're getting close enough so they can hear it.
Cut it.
All right, quiet now.
Hey, look.
Jumping tadpoles.
It's Mrs. Norton's motorboat.
Yeah, tied to the stern of the houseboat.
Uh-huh. Irene Norton didn't show up for our rendezvous because she had a little date to meet John McCrae out here.
I'll head us right for the stern, Skip.
I want to drift right up alongside the houseboat.
Uh-huh. You, uh, you aiming to board her?
Right. And be ready for anything when we do.
I'll take the lead. I'll have my gun handy.
All right, ready now. Let's go.
Skip, you go last. Tubby in between us.
Okay, Mr. Hempel.
Let's see.
Yeah.
Okay, Skip.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that does it.
What now? Do we just walk in and say, surprise?
Shut up, Tubby, shut up. You'll find out soon enough.
They should be in the cabin right near the stern here.
They should never have come out here. I told you to stay put until...
Until I get picked up by that dick. Ha!
I wasn't born yesterday, John. I know you were baiting it.
I'm gonna rush him. Now lay low. There may be some shooting.
Now!
All right. Don't try and reach me with that gun again, John.
Next time I won't aim for your arm.
You'll pay for this.
I think the state will be glad to give you first aid for your wounds.
The state?
Yeah, Skip.
My friend, John McCray, is Norton's murderer.
That's ridiculous. I have done it, but...
Okay. Try to run out on me, will you?
Sure he's the murderer. He murdered my husband.
I had nothing to do with it.
Thank you, Mrs. Norton, but I knew that all along.
But you tried to hang it on me and her.
No, no, Tubby, you're wrong. I knew you had something to do with it,
but I knew you were too dumb to figure it out for yourself.
What?
You were the one who buried Norton the boat he had, didn't you?
Sure. Mr. McCray said Norton was a friend of his.
He gave me 50 bucks.
Uh-huh. And you also gave Norton the salt tablets?
McCray said they were from Irene.
Said Norton always used them.
Well, apparently he did use salt tablets.
However, these tablets were poison.
Poison?
That's right.
When I picked up the box Norton had in his pocket,
my finger touched the powder which had shaken off the tablets.
And my sense of taste did the rest.
All I had to do was discover who'd bought salt tablets,
and I was reasonably sure who'd poisoned your husband.
It turns out that my good friend John McCray...
This is S-9. You can't prove...
You gave yourself away when you started shooting, John.
Well, uh, what about the woman?
Ah, skip. McCray's been having an affair with Irene Norton for quite a while.
When Jerry Norton began to get in the way,
McCray figured that he could eliminate Jerry and have Irene to himself.
And he would have succeeded too.
Yeah, but it was McCray that found Norton.
Sure. He figured if I was with him when we found Norton
apparently dead from sunstroke,
there wouldn't be any investigation.
He knew that Norton complained about his heart,
so he knew he wouldn't arouse Irene's suspicions.
But he made one mistake.
Yeah? What? Sounds pretty foolproof to me.
He thought a detective could take a vacation.
He should have known you can't take a vacation from death.
を
I'm.