A strange doctor weird.
Good evening.
Come in, won't you?
Why, what's the matter?
Surely you're not nervous.
Perhaps a story might calm your nerves a little.
A story about an undertaker and death.
I call it Stand In For Death.
My story begins in the small dimly lit undertaking parlor of Charles Thompson.
Thompson and his son Paul are listening to the news broadcast.
As yet there has been no further news about Tony Williams, a notorious gangster who less than an hour ago
shot and killed Detective Walter O'Hara and fatally injured a six year old child
in making his getaway in a stolen car.
The entire police force is on the search for Williams. It is believed that...
You think that Tony Williams is our cousin, a man like that.
Oh dad, you mustn't take it so hard after all.
No, I'll answer it.
Tony, shut up.
I want the whole neighborhood to know I'm here. Lock the door and pull out the shades.
Hurry up.
Why have you come here, Tony? What do you want?
I need a hideout and this is going to be it.
No, Tony. I won't let you hide out here. You're nothing but a mad killer.
Yeah?
Tony, put away that gun.
This gun's the reason you're going to hide me out here, you understand?
You understand?
We understand.
Then just do as I say and you may live.
I'll have to lay low here for a couple of days until the heat's off.
I've had a chance to make some plans.
Well, come Paul. It's four o'clock. We must leave.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
We're taking old Luigi Gambon to Woodcrest Cemetery to bury him.
Woodcrest?
Yeah.
It's about five miles out of town, isn't it?
Yes, that's right.
Are there going to be any mourners at old Luigi's funeral?
No. Luigi had no relatives.
The city was going to bury him in a pauper's grave until we claimed his body.
Ah, this gets better and better.
Why are you so interested in old Luigi's funeral?
Because old Luigi's funeral is going to be my funeral.
What? What are you talking about?
Look, I'm substituting myself in a coffin for Luigi.
All you two have to do is drive to the cemetery.
There I'll get out of the coffin and head for my hideout.
After I'm gone, you bury the empty coffin and nobody will be the wisest.
But Luigi's body, what do we do with that?
That's your problem.
No, no, no. I won't do it.
You'll do as I say. It'll be three corpses in this room instead of one.
Now dump Luigi out of that coffin and make it fast.
We're starting now, Tony.
Okay. Remember, if the cops stop you, don't let them get suspicious of us.
No, Tony, we won't. We're...
Paul, there's a man signaling us to stop.
No tricks. If you try anything, I'll come out of this coffin shooting
and the first two bullets will be for you.
Be quiet, Tony. Here he comes. It's O'Hara, the private detective.
O'Hara? The plot's brother?
Yes. Now be quiet.
Oh. Hello, O'Hara.
Hello, Charlie. I thought it was you.
Lucky I caught you. I was just gonna drop in on you.
Drop in? On me?
That's right. Who are you headed for?
We're going out to bury old Luigi at Woodcrest Cemetery.
Oh, Luigi, huh?
Yes.
I suppose you heard the latest about Tony Williams.
Yes, I heard it over the radio.
I'm sorry about your brother, O'Hara. He was a good man.
You haven't by chance seen Williams lately, have you?
You know I've never had anything to do with Williams. Never.
Sure, sure, Charlie. It's just that I thought you were being Williams' cousin.
He might just possibly have come to you for help.
Oh, no, no. We haven't seen him in almost a year, have we, Paul?
No. No, we haven't.
That's all right, Charlie.
Say, do you mind if I ride along with you?
Huh?
There's a few questions I'd like to ask you about Williams and his habits.
But I just got through telling you I haven't seen Williams in almost a year.
What are you getting so excited about, Charlie?
All I want to ask you is a few things about Williams.
Get this. I'm going to see that Williams gets what's coming to him,
and I'm going to be awful suspicious of anybody who doesn't cooperate with me.
Well, you mustn't mind my father.
He always gets excited when someone mentions Williams' name.
You know, we'll be more than glad to answer any questions, Mr. O'Hara.
Yes, of course, O'Hara.
What do you want to know?
We can get started, Charlie. I'll ride part of the way to the cemetery with you.
You can answer my questions on the way.
But we can talk here. We wouldn't want to take you out of your way.
Oh, no, that's all right.
We private dicks always have plenty of time.
I think there's enough room for me to sit up front with you.
Just slide over a bit, will you, Charlie?
That's it. This is fine.
All right, Paul, let's be on our way to the cemetery.
Dr. Weird's merry tale will be continued in a minute.
Which reminds me, Doctor, did you have a Merry Christmas yesterday?
Young man, don't mention Christmas to me.
Why, what's the matter, Doctor?
I was hoping to get a skeleton this year, but...
Oh, Dr. Weird, I know just how disappointed you are.
And, gentlemen, if you were hoping for an Adam hat this Christmas, but didn't get one,
I can sympathize with you, too.
The new line of Adams this year certainly are tops in design and quality workmanship.
So don't be disappointed. Get an Adam yourself.
Walk into any of the thousands of Adam hat stores or authorized dealers from coast to coast,
and try on a fine-looking Adam.
There's an Adam hat just for you,
styled to bring out your best features. The soft-looking, genuine, all-fur felt,
and the smart new colors also add distinction to the wearer of an Adam.
And remember, that fine array of hats you see in the Adam store window is on the shelves, too.
You're sure to find the hat that's right for you in an Adam store.
Now, here's Dr. Weird.
Now I'll finish my story, stand in for death.
The hearse has left the city behind and is nearing Woodcrest Cemetery.
Mile after mile, Paul is driven in silence as O'Hara questions his father about Tony Williams.
Well, here we are, O'Hara, the entrance to the cemetery.
Oh, so we are.
Go ahead, Paul, drive in.
But O'Hara, if you go into the cemetery with us, how will you get back to town?
That's all right. I don't mind walking from the grave back to the main road.
Go ahead, Paul, drive in.
But O'Hara...
Go ahead, Paul. What are you waiting for?
I'm certainly glad, Charlie, that you and Paul aren't mixed up in Tony's escape.
You know, if you were, it'd mean ten years of peace for you in the penitentiary.
You know we wouldn't help a killer like Tony Williams?
Sure, I know that. But guys like Tony have a way of intimidating people.
Oh, but not me, O'Hara.
Yes, Charlie, even you. Tony's smart, and he has an even smarter lawyer.
Remember when he was on trial for the murder of that state trooper?
He beat that rap because witnesses refused to testify.
Tony had intimidated him, and he was acquitted even though everyone knew he was guilty.
Yes, but this time he wouldn't have a chance of escaping the chair.
I'm not so sure, Charlie.
And even if he were convicted, let me tell you, the chair would be far too good for him.
Don't you agree?
Yes, you're right, O'Hara.
Well, here we are.
Oh, is that the grave you're going to bury old Luigi in?
Yes.
There doesn't seem to be anybody around. Where are the men that lower the coffin into the grave and do the burying?
There aren't any. You see, Luigi died penniless. I'm burying him out of my own pocket.
I couldn't afford the men to do it.
You mean that you and Paul are going to bury him by yourselves?
That's right, O'Hara.
Well, I'll give you a hand.
Oh, but that isn't necessary. My father and I can manage alone.
Yes, the coffin is only a little cheap pie, and old Luigi weighs very little. It's nothing at all to manage.
Nonsense. If you two are paying for old Luigi's funeral out of your own pocket, the least I can do is give you a hand.
Come on.
But O'Hara, it'll take at least an hour to bury him, and there's no sense in you wasting all that time.
Besides, it's getting dark fast, don't you think?
I'll help you bury old Luigi, and then we can all go back to the city together.
But O'Hara, your clothes...
Just an old suit. A little dirt won't hurt it. Come on, let's get the coffin out and get started.
Now, let's ease it out of the hearse, out to the ground.
That's it.
Say, you two forgot to lock the coffin.
Yeah, that's better.
O'Hara, did you want to say something, Charlie?
If you and Paul were mixed up in Tony's escape, it would mean ten years in the penitentiary.
No. No, O'Hara, I didn't want to say anything.
Okay. Paul, have you got the ropes you used to lower the coffin into the grave?
Yes, sir. Here they are.
All right. Let's get it over with.
All right. Let the coffin down easily.
That's it.
Old Luigi isn't as light as you might think.
Where are the shovels, Paul?
Here. Fine. You use one while I use the other.
Charlie, you'd better take it easy.
While Paul and I shovel the dirt in.
No. Not any of it. Let me have the coffin. Let me out. Let me out.
O'Hara, what's the matter, Charlie? You're as pale as a ghost.
You look as though you're hearing voices.
O'Hara, don't. Don't you hear?
I don't hear a thing.
O'Hara, listen to me. I surrender. O'Hara will confess.
I'll confess everything. The state trooper I murdered,
killing your brother, the little kid I ran over.
Let me out, O'Hara. Let me out.
O'Hara, you heard what he said. You've confessed everything.
I didn't hear a thing. And neither did you two.
You understand?
Yes, we. We understand, O'Hara.
Do you, Charlie?
Yes. I... I understand.
Okay, Paul. And let's start shoveling the dirt in.
No, O'Hara. Don't. Don't bury me alive.
I'll confess everything, O'Hara. Don't bury me alive.
Too bad about poor Tony, wasn't it?
It must be unpleasant to be buried alive.
You know, I've often wondered how long it takes a person
to suffocate in a coffin.
Now, if some brave soul were to volunteer for an experiment,
I could... Oh, you have to go now. Too bad.
But perhaps you'll drop in on me again soon.
I'm always home.
Just look for the house on the other side of the cemetery.
The house of Dr. Weird.