WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:04.560 And now, a tale well calculated to keep you in... 00:06.560 --> 00:07.560 ...suspense. 00:09.120 --> 00:15.320 In a moment, act one of Pages from a Diary, starring Jim and Henny Backus, 00:15.800 --> 00:19.120 and written especially for suspense, by Virginia Volant. 00:20.520 --> 00:24.480 This first portion of suspense is brought to you by the makers of Marlboro cigarettes. 00:24.480 --> 00:28.680 Ready? Take a nice easy beat. 00:30.680 --> 00:32.680 Mix in the bass. 00:33.680 --> 00:35.680 Now add the vibes. 00:39.680 --> 00:42.680 There you go. Each one's good, but together, they're great. 00:43.680 --> 00:45.680 Marlboro cigarettes are a lot like that. 00:45.680 --> 00:54.680 They've got a special combination that gives you full flavor in a filter cigarette. 00:55.680 --> 01:00.680 Marlboro's got the combination, the famous Richmond recipe of ripe golden tobaccos, 01:00.680 --> 01:03.680 combined with the exclusive Select Trade filter. 01:03.680 --> 01:15.680 Marlboro, plenty rich, yet plenty mild. 01:16.680 --> 01:26.680 You get a lot alike with a Marlboro, the filter cigarette with the un-filtered taste. 01:26.680 --> 01:33.680 Try them. 01:45.680 --> 01:48.680 I shudder when I think of what my parents would say. 01:48.680 --> 01:56.680 They could see their daughter at this moment, alone in John's bedroom. 01:59.680 --> 02:03.680 I have the right. I must learn what I can about what happened. 02:03.680 --> 02:06.680 What threw him away from me? 02:06.680 --> 02:10.680 I think he loved me, but there were times when he hated me. 02:11.680 --> 02:14.680 So I've cast my inhibitions to the winds. 02:14.680 --> 02:18.680 I waited as long as I could for an answer to whatever happened. 02:23.680 --> 02:29.680 I'd let myself in and found what I was looking for, John's diary. 02:29.680 --> 02:32.680 I've always known he kept one. 02:32.680 --> 02:36.680 Maybe, maybe he told it, but he never would have told me. 02:36.680 --> 02:38.680 He used to tell me everything. 02:38.680 --> 02:43.680 Did I find proof another woman meant more to him than I? 02:43.680 --> 02:46.680 When did he start acting so strangely? 02:51.680 --> 02:54.680 April. Yes, April, I think. 02:55.680 --> 02:59.680 Here is the first entry for that month. 03:00.680 --> 03:04.680 Something is wrong with me lately. 03:05.680 --> 03:08.680 I am not feeling very well. 03:08.680 --> 03:13.680 Actually, that is a ridiculous statement. 03:13.680 --> 03:18.680 For physically, I am as fit as can be. 03:19.680 --> 03:26.680 Living as I do here on the farm, half out of door, sleeping like a log. 03:26.680 --> 03:31.680 Eating the good country food my housekeeper prepares so carefully for me. 03:31.680 --> 03:37.680 How could anything go wrong with the solid and well-constructed machine that is my body? 03:37.680 --> 03:41.680 No, it is something deeper and less tangible than that. 03:41.680 --> 03:45.680 It is very hard to put into words. 03:45.680 --> 03:51.680 What I am most conscious of is a division within myself, a conflict of desires and emotions. 03:51.680 --> 03:58.680 I find myself wanting to do something and yet not wanting to do it at the same time. 03:59.680 --> 04:05.680 Last night, that business of Janet, I was freshening up with the usual anticipation 04:05.680 --> 04:11.680 that I always feel when I am going to see her when suddenly I experience the most positive reaction 04:11.680 --> 04:14.680 against going to her house. 04:14.680 --> 04:18.680 My whole system stiffened with revolt against the idea. 04:18.680 --> 04:23.680 And for a moment, I found myself actually disliking her, no? 04:23.680 --> 04:26.680 Let me be completely honest, I am actually hating her. 04:26.680 --> 04:32.680 This doesn't make sense. She is my darling and without her, my life would be empty and worthless to me. 04:32.680 --> 04:39.680 Of course, I overrode that ridiculous feeling and walked across the Null to her place anyway. 04:39.680 --> 04:41.680 But somehow the evening was spoiled. 04:41.680 --> 04:46.680 I didn't feel the same unalloyed pleasure in the company that I always do. 04:46.680 --> 04:53.680 Part of me was at peace and at home as I always am, and the other part wanted to rush away, to be free of her. 04:53.680 --> 05:00.680 Since I did not indulge that strange whim, just sat there being hateful and critical of her. 05:00.680 --> 05:03.680 It makes no sense. 05:03.680 --> 05:07.680 There are other times too when I feel this inner conflict. 05:07.680 --> 05:11.680 I am torn two ways about so many things lately. 05:11.680 --> 05:17.680 I must get a grip on myself, pull myself together. 05:20.680 --> 05:22.680 May 3rd. 05:22.680 --> 05:28.680 How can I feel sorry for people who feel a hammer beating in their brains? 05:28.680 --> 05:31.680 In my brain there are two hammers beating constantly. 05:31.680 --> 05:35.680 When they beat together in rhythm, I find I can endure it. 05:35.680 --> 05:40.680 But when they start their counterpoint, hitting out in opposition to each other, 05:40.680 --> 05:46.680 sometimes I feel as if I am two different people constantly warring with each other. 05:46.680 --> 05:53.680 My body is a battleground and two personalities inside me are contending for supremacy. 05:55.680 --> 05:57.680 May 5th. 05:57.680 --> 06:00.680 This horrible war in me is still raging. 06:00.680 --> 06:04.680 Neither character will reconcile with the other. 06:04.680 --> 06:10.680 For every impulse I feel to do something or say something, there is a counter impulse against it. 06:10.680 --> 06:15.680 Nothing is clear, simple, and uncomplicated anymore. 06:15.680 --> 06:21.680 Torn in two directions, any action becomes difficult, a struggle to complete. 06:21.680 --> 06:28.680 I just cannot decide things. 06:28.680 --> 06:31.680 May 21st. 06:31.680 --> 06:36.680 I am two people. I can feel it so plainly now. 06:36.680 --> 06:40.680 Why did I never recognize that fact before? 06:40.680 --> 06:44.680 I suppose that in some measure it is true of all of us that we are divided personalities, 06:44.680 --> 06:48.680 but I never thought it could be this strong. 06:48.680 --> 06:53.680 The two inhabitants of my physical shell refuse to be still. They are constantly fighting. 06:53.680 --> 06:56.680 In my brain the two hammers are always at it. 06:56.680 --> 07:00.680 They beat out the minutes of my life in fearful opposition 07:00.680 --> 07:05.680 as if each one were struggling to force its rhythm upon my pulse and heartbeat. 07:05.680 --> 07:11.680 I suppose one is probably good and one bad. That is usually so. 07:11.680 --> 07:17.680 With me, which is which? I am so confused I can't tell the difference. 07:17.680 --> 07:31.680 Whichever one is in the ascendancy seems to me the most desirable self, the leader my body must follow. 07:31.680 --> 07:38.680 June 4th. Oh, I am exhausted by the struggle of trying to unite the two oppositions within me. 07:38.680 --> 07:44.680 Why do I bother to struggle this way? What difference does it make? 07:44.680 --> 07:50.680 There must be some instinctive idea of morality that cautions me that this double feeling is wrong, 07:50.680 --> 07:57.680 a primitive conception that only in singleness of purpose unity of idea and desire is so strong. 07:57.680 --> 08:04.680 Do I harm anyone besides myself? Is there any possible menace to Janet in this situation within me? 08:04.680 --> 08:21.680 I am afraid and ashamed sometimes of the violent reactions that I have against her. 08:21.680 --> 08:28.680 July 9th. Today I just drifted, too weary to hold myself in check. 08:28.680 --> 08:31.680 That gave them a good chance to fight over me. 08:31.680 --> 08:35.680 Fatigue gives them the opportunity they are looking for, I think. 08:35.680 --> 08:41.680 And lately I have been unable to sleep. We had another division of interest. 08:41.680 --> 08:45.680 I had been doing the pharma counts all day and my eyes were very tired. 08:45.680 --> 08:52.680 Yet one of me stubbornly insisted upon poring over some old manuscripts my dealer had sent from out of town. 08:52.680 --> 09:00.680 I had the eerie feeling that part of me sat at a desk reading while the other one lay back on the couch with his eyes closed, 09:00.680 --> 09:09.680 politely playing with a dog. 09:09.680 --> 09:16.680 July 25th. What would Janet say if she knew how we felt about her? 09:16.680 --> 09:23.680 I know that my erratic behavior is causing her unhappiness, but how can I explain this thing? 09:23.680 --> 09:27.680 One of us loves her so deeply, so surely. 09:27.680 --> 09:43.680 I have a joy in life for me without her, and sometimes I hate her so viciously, so fiercely that I would like to kill her. 09:43.680 --> 09:49.680 August 7th. We did it again today. 09:49.680 --> 09:54.680 I have decided that I am definitely two people. 09:54.680 --> 10:01.680 My body was tired from the outdoor work, but my eyes went into town to see a movie. 10:01.680 --> 10:06.680 It was very strange since I had not thought to send my ears along. 10:06.680 --> 10:14.680 I watched the actors mouthing on the screen, no sound emerging from their lips, like an old silent picture but without the title. 10:14.680 --> 10:18.680 Next time I must remember to send my ears. 10:18.680 --> 10:26.680 Though I tried hard at the time, I find I cannot just wish them there and have it happen. 10:26.680 --> 10:33.680 If two parts of me are to go away, they must travel together at the same time. 10:33.680 --> 10:36.680 Do you realize what I have just written? 10:36.680 --> 10:41.680 I am accepting this phenomenon as if it were natural and going to continue. 10:41.680 --> 10:51.680 I just thought I had got to spend the rest of my life with a part of me in one place and parts in another, devising ways to make it more practical and convenient. 10:51.680 --> 11:04.680 What strange and hard kind of madness is possessing me? 11:04.680 --> 11:18.680 August 21st, if I am to be capable of this trick, that of sending parts of me off on some errand or another while other parts sit quietly at home, I am resolved it shall be profitable. 11:18.680 --> 11:30.680 Now last evening there was a symphony in New York, and instead of subjecting myself to the fatiguing journey into town, I sent my ears off by themselves to enjoy it. 11:30.680 --> 11:33.680 The music never seemed better to me. 11:33.680 --> 11:44.680 Apparently there can be such concentration of that one sense or organ that is by itself is to produce the maximum sensitivity and awareness. 11:44.680 --> 11:47.680 The little experiment almost had an embarrassing repercussion, however. 11:47.680 --> 11:51.680 Mrs. Wilkes, my housekeeper, came in to tell me something. 11:51.680 --> 12:00.680 And it suddenly occurred to me that I would not be able to hear what she was saying, so I quickly pretended that I was asleep. 12:00.680 --> 12:17.680 Perhaps not quickly enough, though, because the look she gave me that I saw through my partly closed eyes was peculiar. 12:17.680 --> 12:22.680 September 1st, I had been continuing my experiments. 12:22.680 --> 12:25.680 Really this has its elements of advantageousness. 12:25.680 --> 12:32.680 Last night was rather fun. While the rest of me stayed at home to watch, my hands and arms went out and rang doorbells. 12:32.680 --> 12:38.680 It worked wonderfully. Unlike small boys at Halloween, I didn't have to run away for fear of detection. 12:38.680 --> 12:42.680 My arms simply concealed themselves in the bushes. 12:42.680 --> 12:47.680 And then when the house occupants came to the door, there was no one in sight, of course. 12:47.680 --> 12:55.680 And just before I went home, my hands and arms went home. I mean, they rang her bell. 12:55.680 --> 13:01.680 Confused, look at her face when she realized that there was no one there. It was very funny. 13:01.680 --> 13:14.680 And I shook with this inward, inward laughter. 13:14.680 --> 13:24.680 September 11th. I haven't seen her recently. I've been too busy making my investigations of myself, of my two selves. 13:24.680 --> 13:28.680 Besides, one of us gets violent every time we are around her. 13:28.680 --> 13:35.680 She does something internally shattering to me, to part of me, just to be in the same room with her. 13:35.680 --> 13:40.680 It is as if she were unconsciously trying to exercise something inside of me. 13:40.680 --> 13:46.680 Damn well, what right has she to interfere? I intend to live as I please, and I will not be criticized. 13:46.680 --> 13:56.680 If she persists, I shall have to find some means of separating her life from mine. 13:56.680 --> 14:06.680 September 13th. My housekeeper has left. Does she find me strange? Is it beginning to show? 14:06.680 --> 14:14.680 Well, it doesn't matter. I can cook well enough for myself. I'm not very hungry either. 14:14.680 --> 14:20.680 I am certainly not eating for two. 14:20.680 --> 14:28.680 September 21st. I feel better this week. I have been continuing with my experiments. 14:28.680 --> 14:32.680 It is a strange but positive kind of pleasure. 14:32.680 --> 14:41.680 I have a feeling of such incredible power, a strength double that of others. 14:41.680 --> 14:45.680 I am two people. I can feel it so plainly now. 14:45.680 --> 14:49.680 But why did I never recognize that fact before? 14:49.680 --> 14:54.680 I suppose that in some measure it is true of all of us that we are divided personalities, 14:54.680 --> 14:57.680 but I never thought it could be this strong. 14:57.680 --> 15:02.680 The two inhabitants of my physical shell refuse to be still. They are constantly fighting. 15:02.680 --> 15:05.680 In my brain the two hammers are always at it. 15:05.680 --> 15:14.680 They beat out the minutes of my life in fearful opposition as if each one were struggling to force its rhythm upon my pulse and heartbeat. 15:14.680 --> 15:20.680 I suppose one is probably good and one bad. That is usually so. 15:20.680 --> 15:26.680 With me, which is which? I am so confused. I can't tell the difference. 15:26.680 --> 15:41.680 Whichever one is in the ascendancy seems to me the most desirable self, the leader my body must follow. 15:41.680 --> 15:49.680 September 29th. I must keep away from Janet. I am likely to do her harm. 15:49.680 --> 15:57.680 Last night we both went out to see her. Part of me was lonely, wanted to be warmed by her personality. 15:57.680 --> 16:05.680 I have seen very little of her these past three months. And the other part just sat there hating her. 16:05.680 --> 16:12.680 I finally had to leave abruptly when I found my hands wanting to fasten themselves on her long, wide throat. 16:12.680 --> 16:23.680 And no matter how I tried, I could not fight down the desire to strangle her. 16:23.680 --> 16:29.680 October 11th. Most of my trouble is at night. 16:29.680 --> 16:34.680 I find that my thoughts become so absorbed with her cheaply after dark. 16:34.680 --> 16:40.680 So that is the time when I must be most careful to find myself these dual occupations. 16:40.680 --> 16:46.680 All the work gets done around here at night. The animals are baffled, poor Pete. 16:46.680 --> 16:57.680 I exercised the mare in the moonlight last night, but left my head at home. 16:57.680 --> 17:03.680 October 17th. I am worried and very frightened. 17:03.680 --> 17:12.680 The night Janet nearly came to great harm. I was tired and a bit careless. I wanted to sleep for a change. 17:12.680 --> 17:20.680 So while I lay in bed, still half awake, my hands and arms went away over to her house. 17:20.680 --> 17:26.680 I was almost asleep before I realized what was happening. I sprang up shaking with apprehension. 17:26.680 --> 17:32.680 All I could do to cover my body sufficiently to make the trip without my hands. 17:32.680 --> 17:40.680 And I got to her house just in time, I imagine. My hands and arms were already in her room. 17:40.680 --> 17:45.680 And what they were going to do, I don't know. But I know they were going to do her some damage. 17:45.680 --> 17:51.680 And I had a deep feeling that it was very fortunate that I had been no later than I was. 17:51.680 --> 17:59.680 She woke up then and almost screamed. What was I doing in her house, in her room, at such an hour? 17:59.680 --> 18:12.680 October 23rd. Today I find I am filled with hate for Janet. 18:12.680 --> 18:20.680 How I hate her. She is destroying me this way. It is no longer possible for me to even pretend to enjoy myself. 18:20.680 --> 18:27.680 She is limiting my action, my freedom. All I do is work, work, work, so as to be too busy to go near her. 18:27.680 --> 18:42.680 But I want to go near her, to see her, to be with her. Why does she have to hold me back this way? 18:42.680 --> 18:52.680 November 22nd. Tonight I am desperate. I have left my hands and arms at home. 18:52.680 --> 19:01.680 They are the most dangerous to her, I found that out. The instructions are to go on writing in this diary. 19:01.680 --> 19:07.680 The rest of me is out walking at this moment down the old road over toward Patressel. 19:07.680 --> 19:13.680 As I walk, my hands are to continue to report what the rest of me is doing. It seems to be working. 19:13.680 --> 19:21.680 I have the knowledge that these lines are appearing in the book. How black the night is and how cold. 19:21.680 --> 19:29.680 The road is full of ruts and these are covered with ice. Every now and then I slip a little as I walk. I must be more careful. 19:29.680 --> 19:35.680 Ahead of me I can see the faint outline of the railroad bridges that crosses the gap between the two hills. 19:35.680 --> 19:41.680 For tall the supports for the tracks are. The drop must be a couple of hundred feet at least. 19:41.680 --> 19:48.680 I think I will climb out on it just to see how it feels. It will give me something to do with myself. 19:48.680 --> 19:57.680 Something is happening to me. My hands at home are refusing to write. They fumble there putting down the pen making a spot on the paper. 19:57.680 --> 20:01.680 What are they doing? They are no longer following my instructions. 20:01.680 --> 20:07.680 Here I am idiot like out in the exact middle of a railroad, while my hands are seeking to destroy her. 20:07.680 --> 20:15.680 That girl whom I so love and that they hate. That part of me hates. Quickly turn around. Go back, go back. 20:15.680 --> 20:20.680 One foot in front of another. No looking down. Do you remember that from when you were a kid too? 20:20.680 --> 20:25.680 Now wait a minute. Easy, easy. You almost slipped then. There is ice on the rails. 20:25.680 --> 20:31.680 You can only hurry so much if you were to arrive at all. If only I could get there in time. 20:31.680 --> 20:39.680 Now if I try very hard, concentrate beyond all the powers of my brain, perhaps I can project myself into the place where my hands are. 20:39.680 --> 20:50.680 Oh, it's no use. I cannot do it. All I can accomplish is this. This icy fear. This foreknowledge of disasters. 20:50.680 --> 21:09.680 Something about my hands and her throat. Oh Janet darling darling. I'm coming. I'm making haste. I'm making haste. 21:21.680 --> 21:32.680 November 23rd. I won't pretend that I understand completely, but I know a little more after reading John's diary. 21:32.680 --> 21:42.680 There's no use talking about it now. It's all over. Finished. Life is finished and away from me too. 21:42.680 --> 21:50.680 John is dead and without him... 21:50.680 --> 22:00.680 They found his body this morning in the study. And here in his bedroom, these words that raise more questions than they answer. 22:00.680 --> 22:11.680 I had a nightmare last night. I thought I was being strangled. Choked to death by two powerful hands that hated me with alive and vengeful hate. 22:11.680 --> 22:22.680 I tried to cry out, but those two hands cut off all sound that I could make. I felt myself slipping away, dying. 22:22.680 --> 22:37.680 And then suddenly I felt it crash somewhere far off. And just as suddenly the hands withdrew from my throat. 22:37.680 --> 22:44.680 My breath came back slowly. 22:44.680 --> 23:01.680 I remember hearing the clock downstairs strike. It must have awakened me because I heard its four notes, one after the other. 23:01.680 --> 23:10.680 They say that John must have died about four o'clock, maybe a little before. 23:10.680 --> 23:18.680 I must remember to keep this scarf around my neck at the funeral. Keep it high and well tucked in. 23:18.680 --> 23:29.680 Otherwise the purplish bruises on my throat will show. 23:29.680 --> 23:32.680 Suspense. 23:32.680 --> 23:50.680 You've been listening to Pages from a Diary, starring Jim and Henny Backus, and written especially for suspense by Virginia Voland. 23:50.680 --> 23:56.680 Suspense is produced and directed by Fred Hendrickson. Music supervision by Anthel Huber. 23:56.680 --> 24:06.680 This is Stuart Metz speaking. Listen again next week when we return with another tale well calculated to keep you in. 24:06.680 --> 24:34.680 Suspense.