You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business.
For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as...
Fanny Bright.
Baratch Among.
H. J. P.
Jane Powell.
Hanley Stafford.
David Bryan.
John Agar.
Frank Lovejoy.
Jimmy Wallington.
Meredith Wilson.
And my name, darling, is Lula Bankhead.
The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show.
The Big Show.
Ninety minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of Five Show Festival.
NBC's star-studded five night a week program extravaganza.
Tonight's Big Show is presenting such top-light stars as Fanny Bright, Raucho Marx,
Isio Pisa, Jane Powell, Hanley Stafford, David Bryan, John Agar, Frank Lovejoy, and Meredith Wilson.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Lula Bankhead.
Well, we're back again this week with the second of our series of star-studded programs.
Last week, New York.
This week, Hollywood.
I just want to say one thing about our last Big Show and then we'll forget about it.
We loved your letters and we'd like to have you continue writing us.
I am most grateful for the comments of the press and public, and I want to say in all humility
that I couldn't possibly have lived up to the notices if I hadn't, if it hadn't been for my material.
Patti Carnegie made me a gorgeous gown with the finest material she could find.
As for the comments of some of my friends who thought I was nervous on the first show,
well, I want to say that I wasn't the lit beast nervous.
Well, I was as coom and as Carl as I am now.
Well, so much for the first show.
You've just heard the names of the stars on this week's show and you think that all there is,
sweetheart.
I fooled you, didn't I?
You thought I was going to say darling.
Well, just listen to this lineup next week.
Bob Hope, Jimmy Durante, Eddie Cantor, Jose Ferrer, Perry Como, Mindy Carson,
nothing but the cream of show business.
That's NBC, nothing but cream.
I guess you think we're aiming rather high, but we always try to hit our marks.
Groucho Marx, that's me.
Yeah, look who's here.
Hello, who are you?
Groucho Marx.
You're Groucho Marx?
Oh, it's the artist Groucho Marx.
Oh, come now, I'm not Groucho.
You know who I am, don't you?
I'll take a wild guess.
Chico?
No, sweetheart.
Oppo?
No, darling.
Am I warm?
No, darling.
You know, I've had that same complaint lately from all women.
My name is Tallulah.
A phony name, have I ever heard of it?
Tallulah Bankhead Groucho.
Oh, Tallulah Bankhead Groucho.
No, you tickle me.
That's a date, what are you doing after the show?
I have a dinner engagement.
You believe in short engagements?
I have an appointment after the show.
What are you doing during the show?
I'm pretty busy during this show, my pet.
This is an hour and a half program, you know.
An hour and a half, uh-huh.
Hmm.
That's a rather odd figure, isn't it?
Speaking of odd figures, what are you doing after the show?
Well, darling, I'm having a man for dinner.
That's the main course.
What are you having for dinner?
Well, we're going to Searow's for dinner.
We're having pheasants under glass.
You wouldn't consider a pheasant under glasses, then.
Now look here, my sweet.
I'm getting a little bit fed up.
And you haven't eaten that dinner yet.
Oh, what for you?
You're incorrigible.
I'll accept that, but who are you?
I'm a fan of your drachos, and I've always adored you.
How can you say that?
We haven't eaten banal together.
So what are you doing after the show?
I told you I'm busy.
How about before the show?
Before the show, I had a malt with milk.
You mind if I join you?
I'm trying to tell you as gently as I can.
I can't see you before, during, or after the show.
Well, now that you've given me the brush,
how about you and me going out and painting the town red?
And you're just the one to do it, aren't you, Carl?
Carl, I'm Groucho Mars.
And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go on with the show.
Go right ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have so many stars on our program.
Tallulah.
I used to know a Pullman car named Tallulah.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have so many stars on our program.
You've had quite a caboose.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tallulah, indeed.
We have so many stars on our program.
Obviously, this woman is an imposter.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have so many stars on our program.
Who sponsors this program?
We have no sponsor.
Ladies and gentlemen.
No sponsor?
No, we're sustaining, ladies and gentlemen.
How can you sustain yourself without a sponsor?
We have so many stars on this show.
No sponsor?
What do my friends think?
Ladies and gentlemen.
I had any friends.
Ladies and gentlemen.
If they could think.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have so many stars on our program.
How can they afford it without a sponsor?
I'll bet the rent here alone must be about $85 a month.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Oh, I mean, Broucho, please.
How can a big hour and a half program like this go with all these big stars go on without a sponsor?
We'll give it some class.
We'll have it sponsored by the Plebo Company.
But Broucho, what is the Plebo Company?
Who cares?
There must be a company named Plebo.
And if there is, we'll send them a bill for it.
Now, who were you trying to introduce?
Meredith Wilson and his orchestra.
Okay, commercial.
Ladies and gentlemen, Meredith Wilson and his orchestra are brought to you by the Plebo Company.
America's foremost manufacturers.
The Plebo Company has been manufacturing foremost for years.
Try a foremost, or better still, try the large economy size, the five most.
Remember, when using foremost, use caution.
Caution comes in six delicious places.
So ladies, if foremost persists, see your doctor.
If your doctor persists, use caution.
And now, Meredith Wilson's orchestra plays Stardust.
And I want to talk to you, darling.
I remember you were one of the Four Mills brothers.
Oh, I dream in vain.
In my heart it will remain.
My stardust memory.
The memory of long regret.
That sheath arm music of yours was delightful.
You have just heard Meredith Wilson and his orchestra brought to you by the Plebo Company.
So buy a box of Plebo today.
And if you are not satisfied, return the unused portion of the product,
and the Plebo Company will return the unused portion of your money.
If you live in Canada, say hello to Papa Dion.
And now we interrupt this commercial to bring you the rest of the show.
Meredith, you were as usual a divine.
Well, thank you.
You know, Miss Bankett, I was thinking all through that number
about the first time I ever saw Groucho Marx.
It was 20 years ago.
Now let's keep it that way, shall we?
Well, I guess you've forgotten, Mr. Marx, but it was back in Mason City, Iowa, my hometown.
You and your brothers played there one night.
You remember the Village Square?
Was that you?
Well, I'm glad to see you again there.
Meredith, sweet, we have a big show to do here.
Well, I just wanted to tell Mr. Marx about a funny thing that happened
when Mr. Marx played there that night.
I went to see him with my girl.
I was never with your girl.
I must have been a harpoon.
No, you don't understand.
I was with my girl.
And I was with harpoon?
No, you don't understand. I came to see your show with my girl.
Your girl was in my show?
Groucho, will you please let him get on with that nauseating little story?
Thank you, Miss Bankett, because a very funny thing happened that night
when I came to the show with my girl.
Her name was Rene.
She later became Mrs. Wilson.
That's very funny.
Groucho, there's nothing funny about it and you know it.
I know it and you know it, but does he know it?
If you think that's funny, why don't I get to the funny part?
You'll notify us when you get to it, won't you?
A postcard will do.
A postcard?
I'm sure you will.
Well, we got to the theater and no sooner had we got seated when Rene,
she later became Mrs. Wilson, she asked me to get her a box of confections.
So I went out to the lobby to get her a box of confections.
I went out to the lobby to get it and when I got back,
some other man was sitting in my seat next to Rene, who later became Mrs. Wilson.
I said to him, I said, I believe you're sitting in the wrong place.
And he looked at his ticket stub and sure enough, he was sitting in the wrong seat.
He had the third seat in row G and I had the third seat in row E.
Isn't that interesting?
You know, Mrs. Wilson and I often have a good laugh about this when we think of it.
Your witness, Tallulah.
Meredith, I'm sure it's quite all right for you and Mrs. Wilson to enjoy these riotous loves
in the sanctity of your own home.
But we have a distinguished cast of actors ready to go on stage with you.
And I'm sure you'll be very happy to see them.
But we have a distinguished cast of actors ready to go on with an exciting excerpt
from the new Warner picture, Breakthrough.
And to bring it to you, we have the stars of the picture,
David Brown, John Agar and Frank Lovejoy.
Wait a minute, you can't have a cast like that sustaining?
No, no, not again.
Commissar.
This program is brought to you by the Plebo Company,
makers of that famous after dinner motor oil.
50 years ago today, the Plebo Company opened its doors to the public.
And today, just as it was 50 years ago, is November 12th.
Plebo will save you efficiently.
It'll save you promptly.
Try Plebo.
It'll save you right.
Yesterday was November the 11th, Armistice Day.
Today, lest we forget, may the same thoughts and memories be with us.
For the story of World War II, the story of all history, is the story of men.
You knew the men.
They came from your family, your street, your town.
Warner Brothers and their new film, Breakthrough,
have brought to the screen with great power a portrait of men at war.
Here are David Brown as Captain Hale, John Agar as young Lieutenant Joe Mallory
and Frank Lovejoy as Sergeant Bell.
My name is Bell.
Our unit was in England training.
We know the Big Bush was coming somewhere, sometime.
But in the middle of the big war, there was a little war,
a war of nerves between Captain Hale and Shavetail Lieutenant Joe Mallory.
Lieutenant Mallory reporting, sir.
Well, l suppose you think you're a hero for saving Finley's life today in battle practice.
l know l should have used the red flare for cease-firing, sir.
But l saw Finley lying there and l knew the Bangalore torpedo was a big deal.
The torpedo was about to go off and...
Knock it off, Mallory.
Yes, sir.
One guy.
For one guy, you risk the lives of every other man on the platoon.
You were supposed to shoot the red flare to stop the covering fire.
lf Sergeant Bell hadn't used the red flare,
if he hadn't more sense than you've got,
every guy would have stood up and been gut-shot by their own machine gun.
Had you thought of that, Lieutenant Mallory?
Yes, sir, but Captain...
You're at attention, Mallory.
Oh, you look great on paper.
Great.
But not when the chips are down.
l ought to reclassify you and send you back where you came from.
But there's no time.
No time!
A big one coming up and l get you.
Mallory?
Yes, sir?
The men you're commanding.
That was my platoon.
l fought those guys over African through Sicily.
With leadership, it's the best rifle platoon in the Army.
l ain't gonna let no second-guesser foul him up.
ls that clear, Mallory?
Yes, sir.
l'm keeping a sharp eye on you, understand?
You foul up again by so much as a whisker and l feed you to the birds.
Poor penny.
All right, dismissed.
Right then, the lieutenant proved that he had good sense,
even if he was only a shavetail,
because he went out and hunted up his sergeant,
which just happened to be me.
He found me down in the village in a pub.
l want to thank you for shooting off that flare sergeant.
All right, lieutenant.
The old man just let me have it.
Good.
ls he always that tough?
The old man isn't tough, lieutenant.
Get down under that rough crust and he's sentimental.
You know what l mean?
Maybe you're right, sergeant.
But so far, that's the side of him l haven't seen yet.
Now, the lieutenant didn't see that side of Captain Hale for some time.
It was a lot later than any of us thought, and the old man got rougher.
That's the way things went, real rough, right up until May 30, 1944.
And then, no more training.
They told us they were going to give us a little ocean trip.
Yep, right across the Channel de France.
All hands, set watch on condition one.
What's the matter, lieutenant?
You scared?
Yes, sir, Captain Hale.
lt's just that l...
Don't apologize.
So am l.
You?
After all the battle you've been in?
Lieutenant, you're sort of scared because you don't know what it's going to be like.
l know what it's going to be like, and l'm plenty scared.
There's only one thing l can tell you.
Yes, sir?
Five minutes after you hit the beach, you'll be a veteran.
You know, Captain Hale, l never figured on anything like this when l was teaching English
back at Central High.
l figured l...
l don't want to know anything about you, lieutenant.
Sir?
Whether you're married, not a girl, a mother or a father, or anything else.
You understand?
But, Captain...
lf you don't like it, then l don't have anything to remember.
ls that clear to you, lieutenant?
ls it clear?
Yes, sir.
Now hear this.
We'll see if we can land in Plan Aval.
Good luck, and God bless you.
So they set us down on a section of Omaha Beach called Easy Red,
and they said to us, ''Fellas, Easy Red is all yours if you can take it.''
Well, we took Easy Red, and it was red all right after we got there.
But it wasn't easy.
So the lieutenant got us going, those of us that were left,
and we began the march across Normandy.
A correction.
We got down on our bellies and began to crawl across Normandy.
And, brother, l'll never forget those days.
What are you stopping here for, Mallory?
The cops are up the other way!
And then one day we got it real dirty, those of us that were left.
The oldest man on our platoon was 35.
He was married and he had two kids back in the States.
He was sort of our unofficial chaplain.
We all called him Uncle Roy.
Sergeant Bell, where are you?
Back of the hedge row, lieutenant. Over here.
Well, we kind of got him on the run.
Maybe we can take a breather now and...
Sergeant, no.
Yeah, Uncle Roy.
Uncle Roy? Anybody else?
Me, you, sergeant, but Uncle Roy.
Want me to get his personal effects?
l'll get them.
All right.
Look, a little piece of shrapnel went right through his wallet
into the picture of his wife and kid.
Mallory, what are you doing here?
You're no better than this.
Now you're taking time out to hold our wake?
You've never seen a dead man before?
Go on, get out of here!
We got a position to secure!
Boy, you're unfeeling hard-hearted.
You heard me, Mallory. Move!
So we moved those of us who were left.
But when we secured the position,
the lieutenant made them a shack
where the old man was using as a command post.
Well, Mallory, there are a lot of things officers are supposed to be
that have nothing to do with fighting over.
But you haven't indicated you can feel or know anything
except how to kill Germans.
What are you trying to say?
Shut up and sit in that chair. I'm not through with you yet.
One of the things I was taught was to see
that the nearest you can receive the personal belongings
of soldiers killed in action.
Here, take these.
You're not going to be able to do it.
Here, take these.
Look, there was a sergeant in my house.
A guy named Henderson.
I thought everybody loved him.
What do you mean?
Just what I said.
I don't expect you to have any idea
of how my men and I felt about Uncle Roy.
But I'm telling you now, Captain Hale,
if you don't see to it that his wife gets this stuff,
I'm going to kick your brains out.
What do you feel about him?
How long have you had that platoon?
Three months?
I've had it for three years, you hear?
Three years!
Little kid Tony, that's his picture.
Anthony John Henderson.
That's Helen's father
and Roy's grandfather.
He was only a year old, Mill.
Maybe he wasn't even quite that when Roy joined the outfit.
I remember how Uncle Roy
and these frowns all over Tunisia
trying to find a Christmas present for the kid in 43.
For Annie and Helen, too.
You're not old enough to teach me
how to feel about Uncle Roy Henderson.
Well, finally even the Army had to admit
that our outfit had had it,
those of us who were left.
They took us to a rear area for rest and replacements.
I happened to be in Battalion headquarters
the day they told Captain Haley
he was promoted to Major.
But they didn't kid the old man,
not even by that much.
He knew he was being kicked upstairs.
Don't sit there looking so dumb, Ari.
You got nothing to say, go over to the USO.
Sounds like they're having a good time over there.
I just don't understand it, Captain.
I mean Major.
It's in plain Army English.
I'm going to leave the command and you've got it.
Why? I'll never be as good as you.
Oh, yes you will.
If you'll live long enough.
I look all right to you, Mallory?
Sure, of course.
Well, I'm not.
I'm a loony, Joe, a battle psycho.
I've made so many decisions
I'm afraid to make decisions anymore.
So I'm a bad risk
and bad company commander.
But it's not a promotion.
And it means no more decisions.
The way I got the company, Joe, in North Africa
right after Kasserine passed.
Murray Fraser was my CO then.
He lost two full platoons.
Only mine and Wendell's were left
and not much of us.
I was at an Italian meeting and Murray
began to cry, see?
Not loud or anything.
Just crying.
Well, I've never done any crying, Joe.
You'll be a good company commander.
But I want to give you some advice.
Don't get to know your men, Joe.
It's knowing them.
Knowing what they are and what they want to be.
All about their wives
and their sweethearts.
That's the stuff that wrecks you, Joe.
That's when if they bleed
then you bleed.
And if they die
a little piece of you dies too.
That's the puzzle, Joe.
The Army teaches you
you can't make men fight for you
unless you get close to them.
And once you get close to them
you don't want to make them fight, Joe.
Figure out the answer to that
and you'll not only stay healthy
you'll probably end up as thinking general.
Here, Joe.
There ain't no stores around here where you can buy these silver bars.
That's the one I wore at Kasserine Pass.
Okay.
That's all.
You'll be moving up for another big push soon.
So get out of here and have a good time.
Two or three days and we're ready to move up.
And sure enough we get us a brand new shape here.
Lieutenant Johnson reporting for duty, sir.
You were supposed to have been here yesterday.
I know sir, but I took the wrong road.
And so you got lost.
I suppose you're straight out of OCS at Fanning.
Yes sir.
They're really shipping him out of there fast now.
It's only allowed a 24 hour pass to see my wife in the office before the...
Knock it off.
Yes sir.
Remember this and don't make me repeat it.
As far as I'm concerned you can forget the family history.
Sir, I only...
Give it attention, Johnson.
Yes sir.
If you're as good under fire as you are on paper we'll get along.
If you're not, I'll reclassify you
and ship you back to a repo depot.
Yes sir.
We're moving up tonight so I'd better tell you a few things.
You're getting the best rifle platoon in the army.
My platoon.
Give them good leadership and they'll fight for you.
And they'll die for you.
They won't let you down.
But I'll have my eye on you.
And if you fall up by so much as a whisker,
just once, understand?
So help me I'll feed you to the birds.
Forty minutes.
Forty minutes. Alright, just a minute.
Congratulations to David Brown, Johnny Gar and Frank Lovejoy for a memorable performance of Warner Brothers' Breakthroughs.
Oh boys, do you know Groucho Mark, don't you?
Of course.
Hello Groucho. Glad to see you.
I enjoyed the performances you boys gave.
Now how about being good soldiers and saying a few words on behalf of our sponsor, the Playboy Company?
How about it, Dave Brian?
I'd be glad to, Groucho.
I have been drinking a lot of beer.
I've been playing a lot of games.
And I'd like to say a few words to Groucho.
I have been drinking Klebo for years.
I have always relished its rich tanginess, its tangy richness.
Its mellow goodness, its good mellowness.
Its heavenly smell.
Its smell is the heaven.
And how about you, John Agar?
Certainly, Groucho.
I've been smoking Klebo for years.
Whenever I feel tense, I light up a Klebo.
And I've always found that wherever people congregate, more folks are lit up than anybody else.
And you, Frank Lovejoy?
Well, I always shave with Klebo.
Because I have a money back guarantee.
If you're not satisfied, you can get triple your money back by writing to the Klebo Company, Newark, New Jersey, post office box 27.
I'll repeat that address.
The Klebo Company, Houston, Texas, post office box 27.
And how about you, Tallulah?
If you don't stop interrupting the show, darling, I'm going to get my double-barreled Klebo and shoot off both of your party little heads.
You have just paid an unsolicited testimonial by Mr. Lula Bankhead of Montgomery, Alabama, second basement of the New York Giants.
And now the Klebo Company, makers of money, relinquishes its time for a special announcement through radio stations everywhere.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
The Big Show.
This is the national broadcasting company, Sunday Extrapaganda, with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
This portion of the program is the Sunday feature of NBC's star-studded five-show festival of comedy, music, drama, and mystery.
Presented five nights a week and brought to you by the makers of Amazons.
For fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and neuralgia.
And by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
The big stars on this program are Groucho Marx, Fanny Brice, Hazy O'Pienza, Jane Powell, David Bryan, John Agar, Frank Lovejoy,
Ann Lee Stafford, Meredith Wilson and his orchestra.
And every week your glamorous hostess, Miss Tallulah Bankhead.
And this is where I get my kicks out of being Mrs. of Ceremonies on this show.
Because by arrangement with Metro Golden Mare, producers of The Miniver Story, starring Greg Garson and Walter Pigeon,
I'm about to introduce a man who brought a new kind of romance to Broadway.
Not the typical musical comedy youth with padded shoulders and the you can be taller than she is shoes.
Here was a kind of romantic singer who would appeal to us girls who were more mature.
Oh, I beg your pardon, I mean to you girls who are more mature.
Of course, of course you know who I mean, darling.
A star of the Metropolitan Opera, a star of South Pacific and now a star of MGM.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ezio Pienza.
What do you mean, Miss Bankhead?
Good. It's enchanting.
What a career you've had, Mr. Pienza.
Or should I say careers, opera, musical comedy, RCA records and now motion pictures.
And you've only begun what you'll be going on forever.
Oh, not me, Miss Bankhead. I am going to retire when I reach 40.
Well, I'm going to retire when I reach 30.
If you will reach a little higher, I will reach a little higher.
All right then, darling, when I reach 31.
All right, when I reach 41.
Well, stop staring at me. 32.
42.
33.
43.
32.
44.
31.
45.
30.
Calula, one of us is reaching in the wrong direction.
Oh, well, let's not play that little game anymore, Ezio.
I understand that in your new picture, Mr. Imperium, you sing the Lana Turner.
What would you sing now to me?
Well, yes, I could.
Well, I don't like the way you said that.
Darling, excuse the word darling.
If you sing them to Lana, why can't you sing them to me?
Would it make that much difference?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
Except that Lana is so much, so much shorter than you are.
Oh, thank you, Ezio.
Under the circumstances, that's the sweetest thing you could have said to me.
And now, Ezio, would you sing my very favorite number, and I really mean this, September song?
When I was a young man courting the girls, I played me a waiting game.
If a maid refused me this tossing curse, I'd let the old verse take a couple of words,
While I flied her with fear in lieu of pearls.
And as time came around, she came my way.
As time came around, she came.
Oh, it's a long, long one from May to December,
But the days grow sore when you reach September,
When the autumn weather storms the leaves to flame,
One has no time for the waiting game.
Through the days being down, through precious days,
September, November,
And these few precious days, I'll spend with you.
These precious days, I'll spend with you.
Oh, it's a long, long one from May to December,
But the days grow sore when you reach September,
When the autumn weather storms the leaves to flame,
One has no time for the waiting game.
Through the days being down, through precious days,
September, November,
And these few precious days, I'll spend with you.
These precious days, I'll spend with you.
Bravo, Ezio Pinza, bravo.
Thank you.
Yes, bravo, and not only bravo, but chico and harpo.
Oh, Mr. Pinza, do you know Groucho Marx?
Groucho Marx? What a peculiar name.
Look, Izzy.
Don't you feel a little peculiar singing on a program that hasn't got a sponsor?
Let me give you a commercial.
The Plebo Company.
Groucho, darling, we happen to have a sponsor now.
Oh, you mean there is a Plebo Company and they call that?
Oh, no, Groucho, but there is a Whitehall Pharmacal Company, makers of aniseins,
and they have a message of interest to everybody.
You mean a brief message. That's what they always say.
We now bring you a brief message from our sponsor.
Arrive safely, let her follow.
Now, this message I have is a brief message, but it is important.
If you suffer from the pains of a headache,
we urge you to try the remarkable product this program features, anisine.
Anisine is like a doctor's prescription.
That is, anisine contains not just one,
but a combination of medically proven active ingredients.
The relief these tablets bring is not only effective, but often incredibly fast.
Many of you I know first discovered anisine through your own dentist or physician.
But if you have not yet used anisine,
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You will be delighted with the result.
Try anisine on this guarantee.
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return the unused portion and your money will be refunded.
You can get anisine at any drug counter.
It is called ANACIN.
Easy to take anisine tablets come in handy boxes of 12 and 30
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Music
Snokes! Oh, Snokes!
Yes, Daddy?
Stick close by. I don't want you to get lost here at NBC.
See, Daddy, look on that door there. It says Tallulah Bankhead.
What about it?
What's a Tallulah Bankhead?
Mm-hmm.
Just about the most famous stage actress today, that's all.
Oh, is that all?
Is that all? Who made such a great success in a royal scandal?
Who starred in the hit play The Skin of Our Teeth?
Who thrilled thousands on Broadway in The Little Foxes?
Who, I ask you, who?
No!
What are you crying about?
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't. Tallulah Bankhead did.
By, when she's on a stage, nobody can even come close to her.
When she delivers a speech, audiences don't dare breathe.
You mean, even her best friends won't tell her?
Oh, stop!
I mean that she's so good, she's without an equal.
What an actress!
When she plays a love scene with a leading man, how she carries off a part.
Oh, which part of him does she carry off?
Don't be silly.
I'd like to be an actress when I grow up.
Oh, that's ridiculous. You're not pretty enough.
You mean, I'm ugly?
Well, well, at least it's a clean-cut uglyness.
Look, stay here a minute.
We're supposed to be contestants on Groucho Marx's quiz show.
I'd better check up on that. Be back soon.
All right, Daddy.
I don't care what Daddy says.
I'm going to be an actress when I grow up.
Like Tallulah Bankhead.
Say, I know what I'll do.
While Daddy's gone, I'll knock on her door, and I'll ask her how to get the B-1.
Yay!
Come in.
Hello, Miss Bankhead. Can I ask you something?
Please take those sweaty little paws off my headache on egg-a-gowns.
Or I'll slug you one.
Gee, you wouldn't hit a little girl, would you?
No, but if you did knock, it says, you look, I'm a boochy one.
Well, get over with it. What have you got on your chest?
Nothing.
I told you I was a little girl.
I was right. I was right, this darling is obnoxious.
I mean, what do you want to ask me?
How can I get to be a big actress like you?
Don't be ridiculous, my dear. No one can be like me.
Sometimes I even have trouble.
If that's all that's worrying you, goodbye, darling.
Will I want to be an actress when I grow up?
No, are you going to grow up?
I should think you'd be discouraged enough already.
Gee, maybe daddy is right. I guess I am too ugly to be an actress.
Your father told you that?
Yeah.
What a nerd of a man. But that's what they told me.
That's what my father told me when I was a kid. It really startled me.
Yeah, it sure has.
I meant at the time. Well, I don't you believe it, darling. You can be an actress if you want. You are not ugly.
Yes, I am. Even you said so before.
And it's true that party boys never call me in for kissing games.
But they don't like me.
Oh, boys, what do they know?
They know they don't like me.
I'm ugly. Yes, I am.
Darling, as much as I hate to let my good side come out, let me tell you something.
Now, you're not ugly. Well, not for the stage anyway. You see, for the stage there are many different kinds of beauty.
Now, for instance, there's a delicate beauty. Of course, that's not your kind.
And then there's a world of exotic beauty.
What kind am I?
You? Well, you have the kind that's known as ugly beauty.
That's the kind?
What I mean is that when a really fine actress plays the part of a beautiful woman, she has the personality to make an audience believe she actually is beautiful.
In fact, many great people have had that ability.
Who, for instance?
Well, take Abraham Lincoln. He was homely, but because he had such a wonderful, sincere personality, his homely face became beautiful to everybody.
Now, do you understand?
Yes, and I feel better already.
Oh, you do?
Yes. You know what? Only yesterday a boy said, I look like Abraham Lincoln.
Good heavens, there is a resemblance.
Well, look here, Abe. I mean, darling.
Yes, Miss Punkhead.
Now, don't worry. If you really want to be a great actress when you grow up, you can.
Gee, thanks, Miss Tallulah. You're just wonderful.
Fine. Now, run along, you're starting to bore me.
Good heavens, this child is obviously going to grow up to be another Betty Davis.
Well, Snooks, there you are.
Gee, it's Daddy.
I'm sorry if she bothered you, Miss Bankhead.
Ain't she wonderful, Daddy? And isn't that a beautiful dress she's wearing?
Yes, isn't it?
And it's so soft and fluffy.
Take those sweaty paws off my haddy-calling again. I mean you, Daddy.
I beg your pardon. I'm sorry.
Well, come on, Snooks. I really do hope we haven't bothered you, Miss Bankhead.
We heard that Groucho Marx is going to do his quiz program on the show tonight.
No, that comes a little later in the program.
Oh, well, come on, Snooks. We'll wait over here.
Say goodbye to Miss Bankhead and tell her you're sorry you bothered her.
And for heaven's sake, pull up your garters.
Goodbye, Miss Bankhead, and I'm sorry I bothered you. And for heaven's sake, pull up your garters.
Coming, darling.
I could have sworn I knew that child about 30 years ago.
Of course, I was just an infant then, and she was a grown woman.
And here I am a grown woman, and now she's just a child, my father.
Hey, you know who I just saw out there? Fanny Ward.
Groucho, that's Fanny Bryce, and that man with her was Hanley Stafford, her father.
Fanny Bryce's father is Hanley Stafford?
Well, he's not really her father. She's his ward.
That's what I said, Fanny Ward.
And speaking of Fanny, what's Pinza doing sitting around in his dressing room?
Why isn't he down here singing some Enchanted Evening?
Mr. Pinza is not singing some Enchanted Evening on this program, darling.
Well, somebody's going to sing some Enchanted Evening on this darling program, even if it's only darling me.
How about a darling chorus?
Some Enchanted Evening
You will meet a stranger
Across a crowded room
And then you will know
You will know even then
That someday you will meet her
Again and again
Yes, that's the way it happens.
I was at a party some years ago. It was a cocktail party.
Shrimp cocktails.
Smallest drinks I ever saw.
All of a sudden I looked across the crowded room and there wasn't a stranger in the place.
So I went to another party.
And there I saw her.
I cut across the room. I took her to my arms.
And I kissed her full on the lips.
And she said, take that cheap cigar out of my mouth.
Well, at party after party I saw her again.
And again. And again. And again. And again.
It was during the Roosevelt administration.
And then at one party I met another stranger. A stranger.
Her husband.
He hit me so hard I would have fallen out of a 15 story window.
But I managed to grab a hold of the straps of her strapless evening gown.
Once you have found her
Never let her go
Once you have found her
Never let her go
Groucho, that was a fine.
I could have sung louder but I didn't want to make a bomb out of pins.
No Groucho, listening to you sing again and clown through that song
brought back warm dear memories of those days on Broadway
when you and your brothers ran through all those wonderful shows like coconuts and animal crackers.
Well maybe I'm sentimental Groucho but memories are my dearest possessions.
The brilliant Dorothy Parker put it so well in the famous piece she wrote called Sentimental.
I'd like to do it for you.
Somewhere on the tip of your heart in the shadow of memory's tomb
is the vision of somebody you once loved or somebody who loved you.
An image that can return to haunt you day and night.
Perhaps you remember how it feels or perhaps you may be feeling it now.
Taxi lady?
Taxi? Oh yes, yes sir. I did wait didn't I? Yes.
Where to miss?
Oh anywhere, driver, anywhere. It doesn't matter. Just keep driving.
It's better than walking. It's no good not trying to walk.
There's always a glimpse through the crowd of someone who looks like him.
Someone with this swing of the shoulder, this snark of the hat and I think it's he.
I think he's come back and my heart goes to scald in water.
The buildings sway and bend above me. No, no, no. It's better to be here.
I wish the driver would go fast. So fast that people walking by would be a long gray blur.
And I could see no swinging shoulders, no snarking hats.
Why is he stopping? Oh hold the light.
But it's sad stopping. Still in the traffic I think.
People pass you slowly, too clearly. And always the next one might be.
I know that. But knowing it doesn't keep me from hoping.
But it's sure nothing.
But it's sure to the people who can look in and see me here.
They can see if I cry.
Oh let them. It doesn't matter. Let them look and look and look and look.
Just even you, you poor, queer, tired old woman.
My hat's pretty, isn't it? It's meant to be looked at.
Big and red and new while your poor hats are all weary and dungy.
Don't let it fool you. Red isn't gay.
Red for morning. Scarlet red for a love that's dead.
Didn't you know that?
She's gone now. The taxi's ended again.
And she's left behind forever.
I wonder what she thought when our eyes and our lives met.
I wonder if she realized how quick I'd be to sling away all I have if I could bear her in my breast.
The still dead heart that she carries in hers.
She's done with coping and burning.
Just as I must someday be done with him.
But when? How long?
This is the sort of thing he hated so in me.
I can almost hear his words, his voice.
Oh for heaven's sake, he'd say.
Can't you stop that fool sentimentalizing?
Why do you have to do it?
Why do you want to do it?
Just because you see an old charwoman on the street.
There's no need to get sobbing about her.
She's probably on her way to get a bottle of bad gin and have a roaring time.
You don't have to insist that everybody's sad.
Can't you ever stop being sentimental?
Yes, that's what he'd say. I know.
But you won't say that, oh, or anything else to me anymore.
Never anything else, sweet of this.
He said I already had to say that last time.
I knew what it meant.
He would try me to be kind.
Trying to let me down gently.
But I wouldn't let him.
I wanted him to suffer a little too.
He said of course I'm coming back.
Don't go making a national tragedy of it.
Nothing to cry about. I'll be back. I'm not going away forever.
But I knew. I knew because that wasn't the moment he left me.
He left me long before that.
He was far away then and he didn't know it.
But I knew it. I knew it then and I knew it now.
He's gone away and he won't come back.
He's gone away and he'll never come back.
He'll never come back.
Nothing to the will to hang it on and on and on.
That's sentimental I suppose.
I wonder why it's so wrong to be sentimental.
Why it's wrong, that feeling.
Why do they keep telling me to stop the wounding, telling me to forget it.
Who's right and who's wrong and who decides.
How can I be like them when he's always with me and he and all his duty is curvy.
Forget it all short. Easy, easy.
Don't think of him, that's all.
Here, don't think of him.
Don't breathe either.
Don't hear, don't see. Stop the blood in your veins.
Oh I can't go on like this. I can't.
I can't if I knew it would be over in a day or a year or two months I could endure it.
Even if it grew duller sometimes and wilder sometimes it could be born.
But it's always the same. There's no end.
How am I to go on sitting and staring and buying big red hats and hating them.
And then sitting and staring again day upon day upon day upon day.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
How am I to drag to like this.
I don't know this one.
Go and see your friends and have a good time I say.
Don't sit alone and dramatize yourself.
Don't they know they're empty fools.
That I could not see again the friends we saw together.
Could not go back to the places where you and I've been.
You've gone, it's ended. Ended, it's ended.
And when it ends, only those places where you've known sorrow of time it will end.
If you revisit the scenes that happened your heart must burst with a cavity.
And that's sentimental I suppose.
I wish I could say it to him but I won't say anything to him ever again.
Never ever again.
He's gone and it's over and I dare not think of the dead days.
All my thoughts must be slow and brown.
Oh no no no no driver.
Oh you shouldn't look at this street. It's a dog street.
The place of our love and laughter. I can't bear this. I can't, I can't.
Even with my hands tight, tight over my eyes I can see it.
I can feel it in my heart.
This street of Wall Street. I know it as I know my hands.
As I know his face.
Oh why can't I die in the past?
It's like a vision that won't leave me.
We must be passing the little Florida shop now.
He used to buy me little yellow, creme rosé.
And now I can't bear having flowers near me.
Then after the floor is the apartment house.
And in front of the biggest one, the gold dome but who never smiles.
And then the small house that the baby carries forever in the sun.
And that little starfish of a hand reaching up to his when each doctor smiled at it.
Then the doctor's house.
And the three little Fenway houses after it.
And then oh God, our house.
Our house, though we only had the top four.
I used to lean out the window to catch the last wave each morning.
Barely able to see it because of the big field.
Our field causing. Our personal field.
Oh no, no one could bear this, no one.
Why must I be driven through here? Why?
Why torture could there be so terrible as this?
Why do we move so slowly?
It would be better if I uncover my eyes and look.
Maybe that'll end it.
I'll see our tree in our house again.
And then my heart can burst and I'll be dead.
Dead forever as soon as I look.
I must look.
But the tree is gone.
It's gone.
And they've cut down our tree.
Our tree.
Where the apartment house is.
Where the floor is shut and our house.
Where's our house?
Where, Drava, what tree is it?
Sixty-two.
Oh.
Oh, nothing.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Drava.
I just, I thought it was sixty-two.
Here's a word from RCA Victor.
If you're the head of a family, please come close for a moment.
How would you like to become a hero overnight?
How would you like to be more popular than Santa Claus with your wife, your children, and your neighbors?
How would you like to treat yourself and them to top-flight entertainment of every variety every day in the year for years to come?
You would?
Then you have a date tomorrow with your RCA Victor dealer.
A date to pick out the RCA Victor television set that's perfect for your family and your finances.
You'll have your choice of eighteen beautiful new RCA Victor models of all sizes and styles, with luxurious cabinets, thrilling sound, superb pictures and television.
Whichever size and style you pick, you'll get million-proof quality.
The incomparable quality which has made RCA Victor far and away America's favorite television.
See your RCA Victor dealer for your million-proof masterpiece tomorrow.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet Metro Govan Mayor's beautiful and talented young singing star, Mr. Jane Powell.
Jane, what's exciting out at the MGM these days, huh?
Oh, we're all excited about the new Technicolor picture King Solomon's mind.
Oh.
Dying Deborah Carr and Stuart Granger.
Oh.
Oh, yes, I've heard it, wonderful darling. Oh, you know Groucho Marx, don't you?
Yes, I do, it's fair.
Then I'm sure you don't want to speak to him.
Meredith, how about some music for Jane?
It's a most unusual day, feel like throwing my worries away.
As an old Navy-born Californian would say, it's a most unusual day.
There's a most unusual sky, not a sign of a cloud passing by.
And if I want to sing from my heart in the ring, it's a most unusual day.
There are people, meeting people, there is sunshine everywhere.
There are people, grieving people, and a feeling of spring in the air.
It's a most unusual time, I keep feeling my temperature climb.
If my heart won't behave in the usual way, there's only one thing to say.
It's a most unusual month, unusual month, unusual day.
There are people, meeting people, there is sunshine everywhere.
There are people, grieving people, and a feeling of spring in the air.
It's a most unusual time, I keep feeling my temperature climb.
If my heart won't behave in the usual way, there's only one thing to say.
It's a most unusual, it's a most unusual, so unusual, so unusual.
There's love everywhere on this earth, unusual day.
Bravo, Mr. Bravo.
Yes, not only Bravo, but it's you.
Well, thank you, Miss Bankhead, and you too, Mr. Mark.
Just call me Tallulah.
All right, Tallulah.
And now, Miss Powell, may I call you William?
Roger, why don't you go out and get ready for the quiz show?
We're going to do it as soon as Jimmy Roddington makes a statement that he seems to be bursting to make.
Well, what I wanted to say, Miss Bankhead, was that this portion of the program was brought to you by the Whitehall Pharmacal Company,
makers of Anison, Collinose, Bicidol, and other fine drug products, and by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
And now, Miss Bankhead, would you like to ring your chimes?
Of course, Jimmy. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
You Bet Your Life, starring radio's funniest quiz master. And here he is, the one and only, they used to be poor, Groucho Marx.
Well, here we are, ready to play You Bet Your Life, and here's your announcer to explain the rules of the game.
Well, folks, it's very simple.
Simple? I've been doing it for four years, I still don't understand it.
Each couple in our contest gets $20.
Some deal. Unemployment insurance gives you $26.
Each couple can bet as much of the $20 as they like. And the amount bet is added on to the original $20, and they can bet as much of that as they like,
which is again added consecutively to the original amounts, which have been varied each time, depending on the amount you have bet or have not bet before.
The Einstein theory is relatively easy.
And here's our first couple, Groucho, a father and daughter. Mr. Higgins and Baby Snooks meet Groucho Marx.
Well, hello, little girl. Your name is Baby Snooks?
Yes, sir.
Are you a good little girl?
Yes, sir.
And this is your father?
Yes, sir.
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Higgins. I want to welcome you to You Bet Your Life.
Wait a minute, mister. Where's my money?
Money? What money?
I answered three questions, and you didn't pay me any money yet.
Isn't she cute? Why don't you shut up?
Hit him, Daddy.
Snooks, stop that. I'm sorry, Mr. Marx, she doesn't understand the rules of the game.
And she's smarter than I thought she was. Now tell me, how long have you two been married?
We ain't married.
You ain't?
No, he's my daddy. We ain't even engaged.
Mr. Higgins, you mean this is your daughter?
Yes.
And you're still speaking to your wife?
What? Now just a darn minute. You can't talk that way about my daughter.
Why not? I've got a daughter myself. Well, I really shouldn't say I've got a myself. I had a little help.
Yes, we can't ignore our wives, can we? No, but I have no respect for a man who doesn't try.
Well, Daddy.
What?
Then, um, I've got a wish for something.
All right, what?
Now why couldn't you think of that when we were still in the hall?
I wasn't thirsty.
Well, this child will obviously grow up to be another Tallulah banker.
In fact, there's children like this that's giving marriage a bad name.
Aw, go on. Hit him, Daddy.
Please, Higgins, I wish you'd curb your child.
But how?
Well, the best place would be out in the street.
Well, let's dash ahead. And I'd like to dash first. I thought I could get away with it.
Anyway, we're ready to play You Bet Your Life. Mr. Einstein has explained the rules to you,
and I see you have chosen Presidents of the United States as your category.
Now how much of the $20 will you bet on your first question?
A penny.
A penny?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Snokes, no. We have $20 to bet. We're not going to bet a penny. Let's bet the whole $20.
$20? Are you talking about dollars?
I'm not talking cents.
You sure ain't.
All right, then let's really bet big. Let's bet $30.
Look, little girl, and I use the word loosely.
You only have $20, so how can you bet $30?
Unless, of course, you expect to do it on credit, and frankly, you don't look too honest.
You've got a fairly ugly little kisser.
Now, just a minute. I resent that.
Do you deny it?
No, I just resent it.
Now let's get back to where we were, which is about as boring a place as I can think of.
Now how can you bet $30 when you've only got $20?
Well, my daddy's got some money, haven't you, Daddy?
No, I haven't.
Daddy, I saw you take $50 out of Mama's slacks this morning.
Oh, shh. Quiet.
That's it.
And I'm going to tell Mommy that...
All right, all right.
Yes, I will.
If she wants to bet $30, I'll put up the other $10.
You mean you'll pay me $10 of your own if she doesn't know the answer to the question?
Yes.
That's a pretty unbelievable thing to have happen.
Then so is your daughter.
Well, anyway, here's the question for $30.
What is the name of the second president of the United States?
The second president?
Yes, and I'll give you a hint. His first name was George.
I know. George Washington.
I'm sorry. It's John Adams.
But you told her the first name was George.
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Now you owe me $10.
I won't pay it.
All right, then. I'm going to tell Mommy that you took all that money...
All right, all right.
Here's the $10.
You know, this is the first time I've understood this program.
Come on, Snooks. Let's get out of here.
No, we won't, Daddy. I'm mad at him and I want to win his money.
Of course, I hate him.
You hate me? Please don't say that.
It's a set rule on radio that all Quizmasters must be known as lovable.
I'll tell you what. If I like you, would you like me?
Well, all right.
Fine. Now we like each other, right?
Right. But you know something?
What?
I like you better when I hate you.
Well, I don't really care if people hate me as long as they think I'm lovable.
Now, where were we?
Well, we want to bet you some more money. My daddy still got $40 left.
Snooks, no!
But I told you to take it out of Mommy's pocket.
Your Mommy sounds like she's got a great pocket.
Wouldn't mind reaching in there myself sometime.
Please, Mr. Marks, you should have a little respect for my wife.
I do. I have very little respect for her.
Particularly since I've gotten a load of you two.
Now, let's proceed.
All right. I want to ask you a question, and we'll bet $40.
Snooks!
Oh, you're going to ask me a question?
Yes, I am. And I'll bet you $40.
Little does she know that I have earned my power, for I am the master of the quiz, and soon I shall have all her money.
Are you ready for the question, mister?
Okay.
All right. Please pronounce the word T-O.
T-O... two.
Right.
That's right. Taking money from a baby.
Now pronounce T-W.
Two.
Now pronounce the second day of the week.
Second day of the week. Just a moment.
Now, this is the one with the cat in it.
She wants me to say Tuesday.
But the correct way to say it is cheese day.
But I'm sure she always says Tuesday.
So if I say cheese day, she'll say I'm wrong, because it's cheese day.
So I'll say Tuesday.
Wrong. We win.
I mean Tuesday.
Wrong. We win.
Wait a minute. I say Tuesday.
Wrong again. The second day of the week is Monday.
Take the money, Daddy.
Wrong again.
Well, Groucho, our next contestants are an actress and an orchestra leader.
Mr. Lula Bankhead and Mr. Meredith Wilson. Meet Groucho Mark.
Welcome to Your Bet Your Life.
An actress, Miss Tallulah Bankhead. That's a rather unusual name, isn't it?
Which one, Tallulah Bankhead?
I mean the miss, an attractive girl like you not married.
I am married to the fyrher.
Well, congratulations. May all your dressing rooms be little ones.
With running water, preferably.
That's an Indian I used to know. Are you a...
Are you a movie actress?
I'm an actress of the legitimate theater, the theater of Helen Hayes, Laine Fontaine, Catherine Cornell.
Well, we have a few great actresses in the movies, too. Livia Haviland, Greer Garson, and tell me, when have you seen as great an actress as Betty Davis in All About Eve?
Every morning when I brush my teeth.
What I started to ask you was, what play were you ever in?
What play? Why, I have been in Let It Be Gay, The Little Foxes, The Green Hat, A Cardboard Lover, Lady of the Chameleons, Rain, Private Lives.
Pretty long Tallulah play. No wonder it closed.
Tell me, Miss Bankhead, while you're out here in Hollywood, why don't you try going into the movies?
I have been in movies. I made a picture called Lifeboat.
Lifeboat? With Raph?
I'm your guest, I laugh politely.
Mr. Wilson, let me get to you. You're an orchestra leader? Just what instrument couldn't you master that made you become an orchestra leader?
Well, most all of them, I guess.
Well, where did you start your career as an orchestra leader?
Oh, well, I started out originally in a little town in Iowa. Mason City, Iowa, to be exact.
Well, a lot of great orchestra leaders started out in small towns. There was Abe Lyman of Illinois.
Later became president, I hear.
That must have been before Patrillo.
Everything has been before Patrillo.
Yes, I guess so. Miss Bankhead, let's get back to that Broadway play, the one with the long title.
That was not one play. Those plays represent my career in the theater.
Great plays by great playwrights who were gracious enough to make me the star of their work.
And for whom I toured this country over.
Acclaimed by the critics, hated by the public in every town in Hamlet who packed the theater to the rock for to see my performances.
Except for Super Oklahoma.
That is certainly a novel pronunciation.
What happened there, Miss Bankhead?
I'm better, David.
Oh, tell me, Miss Bankhead, do you think I could be an actor in the theater?
Anyone who can become an actor, I suppose, would be great from the supper.
I've had to wrestle with every part I'm asked to. I've had to wrestle with every motion known to man.
Is there any method by which you can learn this acting profession?
I use the Stanislavski method.
Stanislavski?
Constantine Stanislavski.
Oh, yes, good wrestler, that Stanislavski.
How about you and me doing a little wrestling?
I mean a little scene from something and see if I have any acting talent.
Well, what do you know?
Oh, not much. What do you know?
What I mean is, are you familiar with the line from many great plays?
Just some of the actresses. No, well, I know, I know come up and see me sometimes.
Oh, no, dear. Well, we'll improvise. I do this quite often. It's great training.
I mean, I was set the scene in the drawing room in London.
Penelope, the wife, was telling Cyril, the husband, that she has fallen out of love with him and is leaving him for someone else.
English drawing room drama. Are you ready?
Quick.
Cyril, you remember when we first decided to get married?
We said that should be one of us tired of the other. That woman will tell the other.
Quick.
Cyril, I'm telling you now, I'm tired.
Quite.
I'm leaving you.
Quite.
This is the quietest part I ever had.
Cyril, I have found happiness elsewhere, but you might peck what will become of you.
Oh, don't worry about me, old girl. I shall probably end it all by leaping into the Thames River.
Oh, Mr. Marks, it's pronounced Tens River.
That's what the stormy good man.
I shall leap into the Tens River.
Look, you jump in the river you like and I'll jump in the one I like.
Well, enough of this one-night stuff. Let's play you bet your life. Wilson, you can wake up now.
Oh, I started out in Mason City, Iowa and I was...
Now we're ready to play you bet your life.
And I see you've chosen first names of famous movie stars.
I'll give you the last name. You supply the first name.
Now, how much are you going to bet on the first question?
We'll bet the whole 20. Okay, Miss Bankhead?
Press on, Meredith.
Are you referring to his pants?
Okay, for $20, what's his first name? His last name is Raines.
Claude.
Right, Claude Raines.
Exactly what I was going to say, Matt. You took the word right out of my mouth.
Okay, you now have $40. How much will you bet?
$40.
For $40, our last name was Palmer. Lily.
That's right, that's right. Lily Palmer.
Exactly what I was going to say, Matt. You see, you've beaten me to it by just two.
And how much will you bet now? You have $80.
I bet you $80.
All right, for $80, his last name is Cliff.
Montgomery.
Correct, Montgomery Cliff. You now have $160.
I was about to say that, Mr. Wilson, and you're too quick for me.
All right, you take the next one. Let's bet the whole thing.
All right.
Very well. All right, now for $320, the movie actor whose last name is Stuart. What's his first name?
I know James.
I'm sorry, you lose. It's Thames.
For our next couple groucho, we selected from our audience a plantation owner and a young singer. Mr. Agio Pinza, Miss Jane Powell. Folks, beat groucho Mark.
Plantation owner and a young singer. Miss Powell, you're the plantation owner?
No, I'm the young singer.
I am the plantation owner.
Oh, do you plant taters and do you plant cotton?
I do.
I now pronounce you Old Man Reba.
Now, Miss Powell, what does a pretty girl like you do for a living?
I work for MGM.
I can't hear you. Would you mind stepping a little closer to the microphone?
And second thought, forget the microphone. Just step a little closer to the quiz master.
Which is which?
Well, the microphone...
The microphone has more holes in the head.
Now, Miss Powell, as you know, this is a quiz program. So, what are you doing after the show?
I'm busy.
Let me put it this way. I can get you into pictures.
Oh, I'm already in pictures.
Well, let me put it this way. Can you get me into pictures?
I am a plantation owner.
Haven't you saw that thing yet?
Oh, yes. Do you plant taters and do you plant cotton?
That's right.
Well, them net plants are soon forgotten.
So, let's forget about you and get back to Miss Powell.
Miss Powell, how old are you?
Nineteen.
You call that old?
It brings us to Mr. Pinzer. Is that the way you pronounce it?
That is right. It's your pinzer.
How's that again?
It's your... E-Z-I-O. It's your pinzer.
P as in Peter. I-N-V-A. It's your pinzer.
Tell me, Tom, you must have had a very...
...
You must have had a very interesting background. Now, tell us something about yourself.
Don't you think Miss Powell is a beautiful girl?
Yes, I do. But I thought you wanted to talk about my background.
Well, with a background like Miss Powell's standing around, we should talk about yours.
Oh, well. What is your background? How'd you start out?
I started out in Italy as a professional bicycle rider. Then I worked with the opera in Milano.
Then I went to the Metropolitan Opera in New York. And then I became plantation owner in San Francisco.
Couldn't hold a job, eh?
Well, all right now. We're ready to play You Bet Your Life.
I see you have chosen songs for your category.
Oh, it's...
Now, you have $20 between you to bet. Miss Powell has 17 and Tom, you have 3.
Now, I'll sing the beginning of a song and you have to finish it. Ready?
How much of your 20 will you bet?
I will bet $10.
Very well. For $10, sing the rest of the song that starts out this way.
One...
Is that all you're going to sing up?
That's all. One...
And no hint in the audience for you.
I know what that is.
One dream in my heart, one love to be living for, one love to be living for.
This nearly was mine, wonderful my dream, one partner in paradise, this promise of paradise.
This nearly was mine, close to my heart it came, only to fly away, only to fly and say,
like the moonlight, now I'm alone, still dreaming of paradise, still saying that paradise once
gave me hope of all.
No, I'm sorry, but that's the wrong answer, the song that starts with one.
The song I was thinking of was, wonder who's kissing her now?
Now you have $10 left. How much of the $10 do you want to bet?
All of it.
All right, finish the song that starts with sweet.
Sweet?
That's right, sweet.
Oh, I've got it.
Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, will you love me ever, will you remember the day when we were happy in May, my dear, this one?
Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, though our paths may sever, through life's last spring ender, will you remember?
I'll love you ever.
Roger, come over here. I love you, Billy.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, but you're wrong, you're wrong.
Wrong? But what is the song that starts with sweet?
What's that?
What is the song that starts with sweet?
Wait until she gets back.
I'm sorry, but you're wrong, I'm going to keep saying that.
Wrong? But what is the song that starts with sweet?
Candy and cake. I'm sorry you lost all your money, but for being such good sports, I'm going to give you each a DeSoto Plymouth car and a lifetime supply of money. Better luck next time.
Come over here, Groucho. For an hour and a half, you've been bouncing through this show, darling.
I'm hoping the check doesn't do the same.
You say I don't know about you.
I don't know about you, but the rest of my script is blank, white paper.
Yes, we're a little short.
Yes, we're a little short, folks, so hello. I could fill in here, would you like to have me sing another song?
Oh no, my pet, I don't think so.
You don't like my singing?
Well, you must admit the singing is not your fort.
I wish Knox were my fort.
Well, that's the sort of thing you do best, Groucho, jokes. You've heard the old saying, she'll make a stick to your lard.
No, how does it go?
That's it, though. It means you should stick to what you do best.
I see. What are you doing after the show?
Darling, you don't seem to understand. I mean, you're a divine comedian, but your singing voice really, Groucho.
I was going to bring this up, but as long as we have blank, white paper here, I heard you sing on the show last week.
Oh, do you mean when I say I give my regards to Broadway?
I've got news for you. Broadway refused them.
And Harold Square turned them down, too.
I don't go talking about my voice. How about your voice?
Just a minute, Costella.
Have you been at it all this time?
I have. Everywhere they've said that I have a sterling voice.
Flatware, eh?
Me? Flat?
Okay, meet me at me flat right after the show.
After all, darling, I just wrote an article on music in this month's Square magazine, an article about Louis Armstrong.
Why should I discuss music with you?
I started out with the Metropolitan Opera Company in New York.
A prize in each and every package.
Well, I'll leave it to Meredith Wilson. He should know. He's a musician. Meredith, my sweet, come here. Tell me the truth.
Now, what did you think of my singing last week? Be brutally frank.
Brutal.
Well, darling, if you'd only played in the right key.
Well, if you'd let me have your key.
I give my key to no man.
Well, Miss Bankett, how can I play the song for you if I don't know what key it's in?
Well, no one has ever complained to my voice before. I wish you'd hear me in the shower.
And this is the dame who'd give her a key to no man.
Now, do me a favor, Meredith. Would you ask your officer if they would play Give My Regards to Broadway? I want to sing it again right now. Now, just to prove a point to Mr. Watt.
Certainly, gentlemen. Would you play Give My Regards to Broadway for Miss Bankett? She wants to sing it again to prove a point to Mr. Watt.
Oh, no.
Boy, for me.
Oh, my darling.
Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to her, I swear.
Oh, darling, until next week, bring your diplomacy from the Senate Senate in New York.
Thank you very much.