You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business.
For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as...
Eddie Cantor.
Mindy Carson.
Harry Cuomo.
Jimmy Durant.
Jose Ferrer.
Bob Hope.
Ray Middleton.
Evelyn Bardon.
Meredith Wilson.
And my name, darling, is a Tluluban kid.
The National Broadcasting Company presents...
The Big Show!
Ninety minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of Live Show Festival.
NBC's star-studded five-night-a-week program, Extravaganza.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tluluban kid.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are in week number three.
And ready with another program starring the biggest names in show business.
But it hasn't been easy, darlings.
When big names get together, you should hear some of the big names they call each other.
One complains the other has better lines.
Another is unhappy because the other has better songs.
And this week, there was even a ridiculously petty fight over who should have the star dressing room.
Well, imagine, of course, I won out, darlings, actually.
However, being the great troopers that they really are, by the time we're ready to go on the air,
our stars have straightened out all their trifling differences.
And we are now one big happy family.
Yeah, some happy family.
It's ab-dominal.
Oh, I'm sure going to tell my agent and things.
Well, the theater was never like that.
Oh, these actors are on the loose again.
But I know how to handle them.
I use diplomacy, finesse, gentleness.
Will you please shut up?
What's the matter now?
I thought I had everything under control.
Oh, sure, some control.
Now, Eddie, what are you talking about?
Eddie Candid, come over here and bring those eyes with you.
Eddie, what's the matter now, darling?
Nothing, nothing at all.
All I know is I've been in show business 40 years.
I've never been treated as badly as I have here today, not even by Milton Berle.
Why, when I went on the show, he not only stole my best jokes, but he stole my glasses
so I couldn't even read the bad jokes he gave me.
That's Berle.
You mean you don't like the jokes you're supposed to tell?
The last one just got a lot.
Yeah, but who got the laugh?
Berle, see?
That's two for him.
That makes three.
Oh, Eddie.
And he's not even on the program.
I've been in show business 40 years.
Well, how have we misbehaved you?
Oh, I'd rather not talk about it.
You probably think it's nothing, but to me it's...
Well, all I know is that a half hour before the show today, everybody in the cast got
coffee with sugar.
And you got yours without sugar?
No, I got a pastrami sandwich and a bottle of cherry soda.
But what did you order?
A pastrami sandwich and a bottle of cherry soda.
So what?
See, I knew you'd think it was nothing, but believe me, those nothings add up.
Everybody else got coffee and sugar except me.
I just don't like to be discriminated against.
I've been in show business 40 years.
Yes, yes, you've just told me.
That makes 120.
I've seen it happen the same way.
If you're a star, you've got to protect yourself.
First, they take away your coffee and sugar.
Then they take away your best jokes, then your glasses.
Then they take your name off the front of the theater.
Then your agent can't get you any more work.
And you spend all the money you've saved up, and your wife leaves you,
and your daughter leaves you, and your daughter leaves you,
and your daughter leaves you, and your daughter leaves you.
How many is that?
Four.
And your daughter leaves you.
And then your son-in-law throws you out, and you know what happens?
You wind up on the street asking somebody if they can spare a dime
for a cup of coffee with sugar.
But Eddie, you didn't offer coffee in the first place.
Just a minute.
Hold the dialogue.
Oh dear, now it's covered with Jimmy Durante.
Okay, Jimmy.
Okay, what's your beef?
I ain't got no beef.
What's your beef? I ain't got no beef.
I ain't even got no pastrami sandwich.
But I didn't get any coffee.
So what are you complaining about?
What kind of grounds is coffee?
I got something to holler about.
Oh, actor, they're just like children, darlings.
Oh, excuse me, children.
I take it back, darlings.
All right, Jimmy, start hollering.
Well, I walked in here to squander with Eddie Canter,
and I'm wearing my Saturday best.
I ain't been home all night.
I'm a doll from the top of my Tri-Hole-ian hat to the bottom.
I'm a doll from the top of my Tri-Role-ian hat to the bottom.
To the bottom of my suede shoes with the gum soles.
Juicy fruit.
And I'm looking like a page right out of escrow.
Escrow.
Oh, yes, darling, I remember.
You and Eddie walked in together.
Yes, and you walked to us and you says,
good morning, Eddie.
Good morning, Jimmy, darling.
How are you, Jimmy, my sweet?
You're looking swell, Jimmy.
That's what hurts.
Hurt?
Why, Jimmy?
Because you said good morning to Eddie first.
Because I said, Eddie, did you hear that?
Isn't that ridiculous?
No, not at all.
He didn't even notice it until I told him.
I've been in show business 40 years,
and that's the way it starts.
First, they say hello to you, second,
then they say goodbye to you first,
and then you're all washed up.
Before I let myself get into a spot like that,
I'd walk off the show.
Well, goodbye, Eddie.
Sorry you can't be with us.
No, no, no, not me.
Not me, Jimmy, I was protecting you.
You ought to walk off the program
if they're not showing you the proper deference.
That's the trouble with this show.
Everybody is getting a different deference.
Jimmy, believe me, you're doing a wise thing.
So long, kid, see you around.
Oh, Jimmy, come back here.
I'll read your jokes, Jimmy.
I will not.
This is sabotage.
Can't you wait till the body gets cold?
No, no, Jimmy, I need you on this show,
and Eddie needs you.
I need him?
You see, Jimmy?
Too late.
So long, Toulouse, so long, Eddie,
so long, Meritards, so long, Orchester.
Oh, no.
You can't have a show without Granny.
We don't care what anybody plays alone.
Oh, you can't have a show without Granny.
Even if Tallulah was the doodah, hula hula.
Oh, you can't have a show without Granny.
You've got to have the fabulous gang.
Here we got an orchestra that's loaded with frats.
27 violins to give it some flats.
Still, you've got to give them what it means to the mat.
You've got to give them Jenny, there's no one greater.
You've got to give them Jimmy, not an indicator.
You've got to give them Jimmy, you know.
Orchester, you ain't got no show.
OK.
OK, I'm back by popular demand.
With all the bums on this show, they need somebody that'll dress it up.
Give it a little culture.
It's too uncool.
Everyone coot, and I've got plenty of coot and culture.
Culture and art in my life play quite a part.
A great sculptor makes my spine chill.
Give me high class stuff, I just can't get enough.
Show me any famous statue and I chill.
I was standing in front of a statue of Venus de Malo the other day.
When a little old lady walked up, printed for the statue and said,
You see, that's what happens when you bite your fingernails too much.
Take my eyes off the script when I'm gone.
But there's one guy called a thinker with his chin in his hands.
I've been watching him for years and I just can't understand
What is the thinker thinking about?
Why does he wrinkle his nose?
Now, what is the thinker thinking about?
Is he trying to remember where he left his clothes?
Is it possible he don't know where his glasses are?
Can it be that he's forgotten where he left his car?
Now, what is the thinker thinking about?
He's so quiet, maybe he's a snob.
Now, I shouldn't butt in his business.
I don't want to raise a fuss.
It could be he's just waiting for a greyhound fuss.
Now, what is the thinker thinking about?
Why it's time the bum got up and found a job.
You know, I've always admired sculptors.
Why, you know, I bumped into that famous sculptor, Oskar.
Why, you know, I bumped into that famous sculptor who carved statues on mountains and I noticed...
Shut up, Eddie, will you please?
You'll have a talk in the wings later.
Why, you know, I bumped into that famous sculptor who carved statues on mountains
and I noticed he was looking at me in an interested way.
I said, I'll bet you're thinking of carving my nose in a mountain.
And he says, no, I'm thinking of carving a mountain on your nose.
You know, it gets me puzzled.
I don't want to butt in. I don't want to butt in.
I don't want to butt in this business.
It could be good for you.
That's all my turn is.
Now, what is the thinker thinking about?
Why, it's time the bum got up and found a job.
Yes, sir, it's time the bum got up and found a job.
Jimmy!
Jimmy, that was very good, very good indeed.
Thank you, Carula.
Coming from you, that's the pinnacle of success.
You mean the pinnacle, don't you, darling?
Pinnacle, I mean it in spades.
Jimmy, can I speak to you for a moment?
While I'm available, what is it, Eddie?
I don't want to make any trouble.
But did you notice what she said when you finished your song?
Yes, she says I was very good.
Yeah, she said good.
She didn't say you were the best.
She didn't say you were better than anybody.
She just said you were good.
Best, better, good.
You ran third.
Well, that's show business.
Miss Bankit, I've been standing around here listening to those two elderly gentlemen arguing.
Oh, I suppose now I'm going to have trouble with you, Perry Como.
Well, you can't blame Miss Bankit.
In the first place, they gave me sugar but no coffee.
You see that? Him, they gave sugar.
In the second place, I've got a song I'd like to sing.
I'm going to sing it right now.
Hoop-de-doo, hoop-de-doo.
I hear a polka and my troubles are through.
Just a minute, young man.
You'll sing when I ask you to.
And if you must know, you're on this program only because we had a little difficulty with Carmen Lombardo.
As it was explained to me, there was a slight accident.
It seems he gargled his throat with a shampoo and it took the wave right out of his voice.
So please don't bother me. Go away.
Miss Bankit, don't think I'm not grateful just to be on the same stage with the First Lady of the theater.
No.
Isn't he sweet?
Perry, darling, stand next to me and I'll see that you're protected on this program.
Here, sweet, you may hold my menthol inhaler.
Gee, thanks, Miss Bankit. I hope you're not catching a cold.
No, so sweet of you.
It's nothing serious, darling. It's just that I feel that my throat is getting a little husky.
How can you tell?
Oh, isn't he sweet?
Here, you may hold my purse, too.
Oh, gee, thanks, Miss Bankit.
Perry, can I speak to you for a minute?
Yeah, what is it, Eddie?
Look, Perry, I don't like to make trouble, see?
I know you think you're doing pretty good with her, but I've seen this happen too many times.
That's the way it starts. First they make you hold their menthol inhaler.
Then they make you hold their purse. And the first thing you know, you wind up holding the bag.
I don't care what I have to do. I just want to sing my song in a good featured spot in this show. That's all.
Look, son, let me tell you something. I've been in show business 40 years.
That's a total of 160.
Stars in the theater are treated according to seniority.
How long have you been in show business?
Oh, about 10 years.
An amateur. Listen to me. What did you do before that?
I ran a little barbershop in Canonsburg, Pennsylvania.
Well, I'll tell you, Perry, you just wait around and you can sing your song when you hear somebody holler, next!
You're a barber. You know what next means?
Wait a minute. How about me, Miss Bankhead?
Oh, no, darling, not a sweet young lady like you. You're not going to give us a bad time. Mimikasa!
Well, I have a song I'd like to do, Miss Bankhead.
I didn't hear you, darling. What did you say?
I said I have a song and I'd like to do it.
Isn't she sweet? In due time, darling.
Well, no, I think I ought to do it next.
Next?
Hoop-de-doo, hoop-de-doo. I hear a poker hand, my...
No, not now, Perry.
But you said next.
I was talking to Mimikasa, and, Mimikasa, you're a charming little girl and we're all anxious to hear your song because I think you're one of the most delightful singers of your sex.
Hoop-de-doo, hoop-de-doo. I hear a poker hand...
Perry, stop that. I said sex.
Hoop-de-doo!
No, Perry, no down, boy.
I beg your pardon, Miss Bankhead, but may I offer a suggestion?
Jose Ferrer.
You know, I have been listening to the raucous mewling of this infantile prapil with thinly veiled disdain, and I humbly offer a simple solution.
Since there are so many, shall I say, stars on this program, why not bring them on alphabetically?
Oh, darling, that's just one of the most brilliant ideas.
Since there are so many, shall we say, stars on this program, why not bring them on alphabetically?
And since there's no A's, we'll start with B as in Bankhead.
Everybody agree?
Just a minute, I don't agree.
Why not, Jimmy?
Of course, I don't even know what alphabetically means.
It just means it will appear according to the letters of the alphabet.
Oh, that's different. Then I go on second.
A, D, C, D.
No, Jimmy, it's A, B, C, D.
No rules all the time.
Ha! But it's unanimous. We'll start at the top of the alphabet.
Hey, now, wait a minute. I don't like this whole thing. My name is Wilson, Meredith Wilson.
By the time you get to me, Phil Harris will be playing my orchestra number in the next show.
Now, come now, Meredith. Work your turn like everybody else. Now, don't be a dissenter. In union, there is strength.
My union's stronger than yours.
Maybe I'm out of order, but a waltz is never out of order.
So here's While We're Young. Play, men.
Song for me to sing while we're young. Every day is spring while we're young.
None can refuse time flies so fast. Who did do that?
None can refuse sweet to laugh, though it may be just for today. Share our love, we must while we may.
To the sky, all sweet surprise, time before our eyes while we're young.
Play, men.
Though it may be just for today, share our love, we must while we may. Go to the sky, all sweet surprise, time before our eyes while we're young.
Music
Meredith, magnificent as always.
Yeah, but how did Wilson get into the alphabet before Durrani? Don't tell me it's A-B-W-D.
Sorry, darling, it was a mistake.
See that it don't happen again. I'm next.
No, Barry, please. Our next guest is Jose Ferrer.
Ferrer is the head of Durrani. Since when does P-H come before D?
That's Doctor of Philosophy, darling. This is hardly the time to be philosophical.
Philosophical? I thought we were doing an alphabetical.
Oh, we are, Jimmy. And ladies and gentlemen, the first letter of the alphabet is A.
A stands for America, first in all our hearts.
Tonight we observe an anniversary of historical significance, an anniversary of deep vital meaning to us all.
To help make this observance a memorable one for every American, two great artists have joined us tonight.
From the smash hit musical South Pacific comes Ray Middleton, from Hollywood and his triumphant success in Cyrano de Bezirac comes Jose Ferrer.
Today, four score and seven years ago, almost to this hour, Abraham Lincoln delivered his great address at Gettysburg.
And now in these troubled hours, it is with gratitude and solemn respect that we heed his words once more.
Once again the tall, shambling figure rises. Once again he speaks the few, the immortal words.
Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth from this continent a new nation,
conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.
We are met on a great battlefield of that war.
We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live.
It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.
The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract.
The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.
It is for us, the living, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.
It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us,
that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion,
that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain,
that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
America, America, America.
Freedom in God's holy light, shines from our land, owning every aggressor.
Long may the truth be our sword proudly worn, against every ill swiftly drawn.
Only with faith in the right here will we stand, God, our only confessor, here on the shores that to freedom were born.
America, America, America.
Here on the shores that to freedom were born, grant us, Lord, the courage and the strength of righteousness.
Take up many of this land thou hast chosen to last, a land here with faith in the right.
Here will we stand, God, our only confessor, here on the shores that to freedom were born.
America, America, America.
Jose, Jose, a more sincere and moving reading I've never heard. Congratulations to you, Meredith Wilson and Ray Middleton.
I heard the applause of the multitude and I came running out. They must be clapping for me.
No, Jimmy, that was for Meredith Wilson, Jose Ferreira and Ray Middleton.
You mean they hired a big star like this guy, Ray Middleton, just to sing one chorus?
That's the way we do things on this program, Jimmy. That's why it's a big show.
And Ray Middleton, you were a dear to come over to sing for us.
It was a pleasure, Miss Bankhead.
Ray, just a minute. May I talk to you?
Yeah, what is it, Eddie?
I don't like to make trouble, but did you notice something, Ray? You she calls dear, everybody else she calls darling.
Well, I don't see anything wrong about that.
You don't see? Of course you don't. I've been in show business 40 years.
Anybody keeping score?
Ray, I've seen it happen too many times. First they take away your darling, then they take away your dear, then they say, hey you.
Hey you, Catherine.
See what I mean? Yes, Miss Bankhead?
Will you stop confusing our performance?
I'm not trying to confuse anybody. All I'm trying to say is that I'd like to be treated equally with everybody else.
A little more equal if possible, because after all, I've been in show business 40 years and I'd love to sing my song now.
The score is now 40 love.
Tennis anyone?
Joke!
Jose, what was that for?
Nothing. I just noticed that I haven't anything to say here and it seemed like a cue when you said 40 love.
So I said tennis anyone?
I mean, Tallulah is just a bit of a joke. In the theatre it makes a sort of a merry entrance, if you know what I mean.
Well, can you think of a merry exit, dear?
Can I see you for a minute, Jose?
What is it, Eddie?
I don't like to make any trouble, Jose, but first they take away your merry entrance. She won't let you say tennis anyone.
Then they give you the merry exit. And not only do you exit the stage, but pretty soon you have to exit the country and you wind up joining the Foreign Legion in Africa.
Tennis anyone?
Jose, darling, we'll need you a little later in the show, so why don't you be a good boy and go downstairs and get yourself a sandwich?
Oh, very well. Tuna anyone?
Look, wait a minute. I don't want to make any trouble, but I've been in show business 40 years and there's one thing I've learned.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
The big show. This is the national broadcasting company, Sunday Extravaganza, with the most scintillating personalities in show business. This portion of the program is the Sunday feature of NBC's star-studded five-show festival of comedy, music, drama, and mystery, presented five nights a week and brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, and by the makers of Anison, for fast relief from pain of headache, urethritis, and neuralgia.
The big stars in this program are Eddie Cantor, Mindy Carson, Perry Como, Jimmy Durante, Jose Ferrer, Bob Hope, Ray Middleton, Evelyn Barton, Meredith Wilson, and his orchestra. And every week, your glamorous hostess, Miss Tallulah Bankhead.
Yes, darlings, we have so many stars on this show and so much temperament flying around that it's taken all the restraint and patience I can muster to make sure that everyone gets their share of the spotlight.
Now darlings, you've all heard the old song, Wish Upon a Star. What I wish upon these stars shouldn't happen to anyone. Not even to Betty Davis.
Well, we've finally compromised and each star has agreed to appear alphabetically. So we present next.
Hoop-de-do, hoop-de-do.
Perry Como, didn't you just give me the alphabetically?
Yes, but you told me I was going to sing my song when somebody said next.
No, darling, Eddie Cantor only told you that when he found out you once ran a barbershop. Now would you please go backstage and wait your turn?
Now look, I've got nothing to do back there. I've already played all my hit records twice.
Well, go play some of Sinatra's hit records.
I already played that one.
Well, go cut somebody's hair.
Hey, that's an idea. Next.
Now we present an alphabetical order, a man who has been in show business for three years.
Say, Tarua, is it my turn now?
No, Jimmy, it is not. I've already explained you. I'll call you when I want to.
How long will it be?
Not too long, darling.
Okay, Perry, just a haircut. And not too short, darling.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce at this time a man who has been in show business for 40 years.
40 years. Don't tell me Crosby's on this show.
Bob Holt!
Okay, I'll take charge now. Move over, darling.
Robert, you weren't here before, but everyone on the big show has agreed to appear in alphabetical order.
Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Bob Aronson, double A.
Holt, leave this stage until I call for you.
Don't you lower your voice to me.
I knew you when you were Lewis Calharn.
Darling, why don't you hit the road backstage?
Not me. One more haircut and I look like Peter Lynn Hayes.
I look like Mary Healy, as it is.
Now, look, we have a show to do here, darling, and if we don't get along, we'll have every vice president of the place on our necks.
No, Perry, not yet.
What was that? It sounded like the mating call of a mashed potato.
Now, look, Bob, darling, why don't you just sit here and watch the show until it's your turn?
Here's a script, darling. I'll have somebody read it to you.
Watch this show? No, thanks. I'll be back later. I'm going to cross the street and watch the original.
The original of what?
Bette Davis in All About Eve.
I mustn't even think. I'll repeat that. I mustn't even think of calling him what I'm thinking.
And so, darlings, on with the schmo. Oh, I mean on with the show.
So at long last, it is my pleasure to introduce a man who has been in show business for 40 years.
Forty-two years. I've aged two years since you started introducing me.
Betty Keller.
Well, I'm back on radio again. It's like coming home.
In my book, radio is still big time, like this big show.
But I remember the early days of radio. It was back in 1930, exactly 20 years ago, that I started my first program.
It was an hour show every Sunday night for a coffee company.
Since then, a new generation has sprung up, but some of you may remember.
I love to spend this Sunday with you.
As friend to friend, I hope you keep seeing.
Yes, those were the days, gosh.
Remember, remember Jimmy Wallington, my announcer?
He's still doing very well, you know.
And remember Rubenoff and the magic of his violin?
He's doing very well too under the name of Evelyn.
Ah, gosh, when I started in radio, the Lone Ranger was just a boy scout.
John had only one wife, and Doz was too young to do it.
Ah, yes. And we had some wonderful jokes in those chasing-sand-born days.
I remember the one about the psychiatrist.
Woman went to the psychiatrist and said, you must do something for my boy.
He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist said, what makes you think so?
She said, he goes around the house clucking all day.
He keeps pecking at his food.
Psychiatrist says, bring him in here.
I'll convince him he's not a chicken.
She said, oh, we can't do that. We need the eggs.
And then I told the one about the woman at the Astor Hotel with a lot of bundles and the roms.
She turned to me and she said, would you mind holding the door open, sonny?
I said, sonny? I said, madam, I'd like to have you know I'm the father of five girls.
She said, would you mind repeating that? I said, not if I can help it.
Ah, yes.
But a comedian, no matter how funny, is dependent entirely on his material.
Night after night, you go to bed hoping you'll dream up a new gag.
A screamingly funny line. There's no sleep.
No sleep for any of us. Always there's a pounding, pounding in your brain.
Who, who was, was.
Who was that lady I seen you with?
Jokes, jokes.
Pounding in my brain again.
Jokes, jokes.
Rivals to explain again.
Farmer jokes, drummer jokes.
These are cold, those are hot.
Winter jokes, summer jokes, summer jokes, summer not.
When the program has been done, another program is begun.
Jokes, jokes.
Find a subject, start to kid it.
Soon you'll find that Wynn did it.
Durante did it. Even Danny Thomas did it.
Groucho did it.
Hulk did it.
The guy who's selling soap did it.
When you hit on something good, they grab it up in Hollywood.
Harris, funny fellow, does it.
Learn that Aberdeen Costello does it.
Then it's kicked from coast to coast, refusing to give up the ghost.
Soon it's dead, out of date.
No one dares to do it. Wait!
Who's has found a novel twist that the other minds have missed?
So it's polished up and then the vicious cycle starts again.
Wynn does it.
Durante does it.
Even Danny Thomas does it.
Groucho does it.
Hulk does it.
The guy who's selling soap does it.
Gag, pun.
Kids today are reared on it.
Joke, pun.
Each one has a beard on it.
Find a new one. Pull a killer.
Someone hollers, that's Joe Miller.
Jokes, puns, quips, gags, comics, critics, stooges, wags, laughs, laughs, laughs, laughs.
But from now on I'll be tough on guys who want to steal my stuff.
And to my fellow comics' challenge I hurl, let's go and steal our jokes back from Mr. Milton Berle.
And all, all the songs that we sang in those days.
That's it Meredith.
Josephine and Joe were so in love, oh so in love, so much in love.
In the hole for hours they would stay.
When Josephine came in she'd hear her mother say, Josephine, please no leader, I'm the bell.
When you mush, please no push of the bell.
I heard Mrs. Caruso telling Mrs. Orflip, somebody keeps ringing but nobody comes in.
You can squeeze all you please, that's all right.
But don't keep us from sleep every night.
When you make love in the hole, stay away from the wall of Josephine, please no leader, I'm the bell.
Or you come from work and you want to the stuff, I'm a cooker, the nice, the macaron.
Then you make you sit down, then you make you get up, but your fellow he call on the phone.
Or you go to the park and you sit in the dark and you make what I call it a pet.
It's a little thick here, it's a little thick there, you know, get it from me to spaghetti.
Or you say goodnight about 11 o'clock, that's what a good gal should do.
But you take it too long when you say goodnight, you're gonna finish till half past two.
Say why you not bring your fellow upstairs, ravioli with peppers, I cook.
You can make it a love with a kiss and a hug and a mom and a father and a look.
Don't I bring you warmth when I make you fat with a soup and a pasta fazool.
But you stay up too late, then I make you thin, what's the matter, you making me fool.
Why you don't get married and raise a fam, then I make you the promise I keep.
I'll buy you the furnish and pay for the rent, then we all can get us some sleep.
Josephina, please don't lean on the bell.
When you mush, please don't push the bell.
You could have so much fun with that son of a gun.
But Josephina, please don't lean on the bell.
Yes, that was radio when it began to grow up.
And radio will continue to grow.
So if you've got a piece of furniture around the house that you've been neglecting,
dust it off, turn the knob, that's your radio.
There's plenty of life in it yet, and there always will be.
Radio has stood you in good stead all these years.
But you're not going to get it.
You're not going to get it.
Radio has stood you in good stead all these years.
All the entertainment you've got on it.
And remember those anxious years through the war when we huddled close to it to hear a word of comfort?
It was the only link we had with our loved ones overseas.
It brought us VE Day, VJ Day, and it will always continue to bring again, sing again, the things you wanted to.
It loves to spend an hour with you.
If you'd like to know a quick, easy way to ease the pain of a headache,
neuritis, or neuralgia, then by all means try Anisone.
Your own dentist or physician may at one time or another have handed you an envelope containing Anisone tablets.
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And now, darling, we would like to present...
Now, Toulouse?
No, Jimmy darling, not yet.
It's alphabetical. Carson, Como, and Ben Durante.
Can't you read the script? Just follow the text.
Hookedy-doo, hookedy-doo.
Oh, Perry, it's not your turn to sing. We're going to hear from Mindy Carson.
Here I am, Miss Brankhead.
Mindy darling.
Mindy darling, this is Jimmy Durante, darling. Jimmy darling, this is Mindy Carson, darling.
How do you do, Miss Darling?
How do you do, but my name is Carson.
Oh, how do you do? I know your father, Jack Carson.
Oh, then you must know my uncle, Dennis Morgan.
No, I don't believe I do.
I don't know Dennis Morgan, Mindy, but I know Dennis King.
You know Dennis King? I thought you was Dennis King.
Now, we've been through three rehearsals of this show and I still don't understand that line.
Don't get it all. My sweet dear Mindy, I just noticed how your lovely hair do. Was it pure?
No.
Perry, sing your song, dear, whatever it is.
It's my new RCA Victor recording. Looks like a cold, cold winter.
Looks like a cold, cold winter.
Plenty of ice and snow, but we'll keep the love lie.
In our hearts a glow looks like a long, long winter.
Baby, what do we care as long as we have our other hearts to share?
It's gonna be cold outside, gonna be warm inside.
So we'll cuddle up by the cozy fire.
Side by side looks like a cold, cold winter.
Summer is far away until then I love you more and more each day.
Looks like a cold, cold winter.
Baby, what do we care as long as we have each other's love to share?
It's gonna be cold outside, gonna be warm inside.
So we'll cuddle up by the cozy fire.
Side by side looks like a cold, cold winter.
Summer is far away until then I love you more and more each day.
Applause
That was lovely, Mindy.
Oh, thank you.
I'm a great admirer of your singing talent.
Oh, thank you, Miss Bankhead.
I sing, too, you know.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Oh, didn't you hear last week's show, darling?
Yes, I did.
Well, don't be difficult, dear.
I mean, tell me what you thought.
Well, I'd like to come back on the show, Miss Bankhead.
No, darling, are you implying that I have you taken off the show because you didn't like my singing?
Speak up, child, you can give me your honest bank opinion.
Besides, there are other shows, you know.
Did you hear me sing?
Yes, I did.
Well?
Not very.
Give my regards to Sammy Kay next week.
All performers are like petty jealousies.
I remember a few years ago, I was about to open a play.
I asked a friend of mine to come to see me at the rehearsal.
I wanted her frank and honest opinion of my performance.
So I called her up the day of the dress rehearsal.
Hello?
Hello, hello.
Yes, hello.
Hello, darling, is that you?
Who's that?
It's me.
Who?
Me.
Oh, it's you.
Hello, darling.
Darling, would you do me a great favor?
What, Talula?
Now, could you drop everything right away and come to my dress rehearsal tonight?
Your dress rehearsal?
Yes, dear.
I thought it was this afternoon.
No, dear, it's tonight.
What did you do, postpone it?
No, dear, it's always been tonight.
I thought it was this afternoon.
No, dear, it's tonight.
Oh, what's the matter?
I'm terrible, and I'm terrible, and my clothes are terrible.
I suppose I'm so close to it that I can't get any perspective on it.
And I want a fresh point of view, and I want someone who's never seen it and who doesn't know anything.
I mean anything about this picture play.
And I want someone I can believe and who will really tell me the truth.
Who will come on to you, darling?
Well, I'd love to, but I would love to.
Oh, that's wonderful, darling, for saving my life.
Now, look, I want you to watch everything, every little single thing.
Have you got a paper and pencil there?
Well, now, write these things down, darling, so you won't forget them.
Now, have a good look at my yellow dress.
I know it makes me look as fat as a pig.
And watch my makeup, the lighting, it's...
But listen, I want to ask you something.
Yes, I know. Now, what is it? And watch my hands.
Now, tell me, tell me if I move them about too much and watch the scene on the sofa.
Yes, but how will I get over it?
And particularly watch my scene with the door on the second act.
I'm afraid it doesn't get over.
It's one of those little symbolic bits, and I don't know yet what it means.
Nobody knows. So watch it, darling.
Yes, but how will I get over it?
Now, watch everything I do, darling.
And come back to my dressing room afterwards, and we'll go over the whole thing together, huh?
Oh, you're an angel to do this.
Eight o'clock sharp, and I'll see you afterwards, huh? Goodbye.
Oh, I'm exhausted, Rose.
I don't want to see anyone except that woman who's coming to talk to me about the play.
She's been taking notes, and it's very important.
Is she back yet?
Well, where is she?
Why isn't she here? I'm here.
What's she doing?
Well, when she comes in, keep everyone else out.
I'm exhausted.
I don't know how I look as well as I do.
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, there she is, darling. Come in. Let her in, Rose.
Oh, darling, it's too wonderful of you.
Have a drink. Get her a drink, Rose. Get her a cigarette. Where's the chair?
Now, look, darling. Now, sit down and tell me everything.
Have you got your notes?
Oh, I've got them right. Oh, you're such an angel, Rose.
You stand outside and don't let anyone else in.
Tell them I'm gone. Tell them I've left the premises.
Now!
Now, you know, darling.
Yes, dear.
I'm going to tell you exactly what I thought.
Oh, of course. That's what I want.
You don't know what it means to me, darling, having to do this.
You know how it is. I mean, we're all so close to it, and people are saying, oh, you're marvelous.
That isn't what I want. Anyone can say, oh, you're marvelous.
I don't want to know what's marvelous. I want to know what is wrong. You know what I mean.
Very, very well. Now, first...
How'd you like my clothes, darling?
They were all right. Now, first...
Didn't you like them?
Yes, they were all right, except...
Except that yellow dress, and you were right about that.
It does make you look fat.
Where does it make me look fat?
All over, dear.
Where were you sitting?
Down front.
Oh, well, that was it.
It looks all right from further back, darling. That's what it was designed for.
It's meant to be seen in perspective.
You can't get the proper effect at all when you're so close, you know.
I see. Now, about your first entry...
Oh, how was my scene at the door?
Well, you were right about that, too. It didn't get over.
How do you mean it didn't get over?
It wasn't very clear, dear. I didn't know what you were doing.
You didn't know what I was doing?
Are you sure you were thinking of the right scene?
I mean the one in the second act, after he goes.
And I go up and hurl myself against the door and start...
Just once, of course, you see.
And then stand and turn the knob gently back and forth
as if I could still feel his hand on it.
Didn't you get anything from that at all?
You didn't?
No, dear. I just thought the door had stuck.
LAUGHTER
Where were you sitting?
In the same seat.
I mean, you weren't on the side.
No, dear. I was in the center.
Well, I only asked because I thought perhaps
you might have seen it from a bad angle.
Do you think maybe the door was too far off stage?
No, dear. The door was perfectly all right.
LAUGHTER
Well, you know, I think you must be wrong about that.
You know, if I thought you weren't, I'd be the very first to say so.
But I think you're wrong, darling.
I've studied that scene. I've studied it from every angle.
And I think the way I play it is the only way to play it.
But it may not have been awfully clear to you, dear.
It's subtle.
No, I think that thing's all right.
Now, tell me about my hands, darling.
Did I move them too much?
A little, I thought.
Where?
In the scene where you listen to the will,
you should sit perfectly still there.
I do sit perfectly still there, as I remember.
Don't I?
Yes, you do.
And you're constantly, constantly...
Well, I can't stop breathing.
LAUGHTER
I can't be absolutely motionless.
You should be. Why?
Because then you'd stand up, dear, and as it is, you'd distract.
From what?
From the play, dear.
Don't you see, darling, if you just sat there
and did absolutely nothing at all,
you would stand out as the one calm figure on the stage.
Well, I just don't agree with you, darling.
That's all. I mean, I have to do something
that merely twists the handkerchief.
As a matter of fact, that's the one scene
where I've been careful of my hands.
Now, all I meant was, was there any place
where I did move them too much?
No.
How was the play as a whole?
I thought it dragged and far.
Well, now, do you really think
you can judge any play in rehearsal?
Don't you think you have to seat with an audience?
Maybe. How was my make-up?
Marvelous. How was the scene on the sofa?
Marvelous. Oh, how'd you see me with the doctor?
Perfectly marvelous. Oh, that's a terribly funny scene, isn't it?
Terribly funny.
Oh, you know, darling,
I can hardly read some of those lines.
It's a rehearsal. We all used to laugh.
My dear, we nearly died.
Oh, but how was the play?
I couldn't. Perfectly marvelous.
Well, then you don't think
I have a thing to worry about?
Not a thing in the world, darling.
Oh, darling, isn't that perfectly marvelous?
Oh, perfectly marvelous.
You're very kind, darling.
The title of that charming vignette
was a matter of perspective,
and it was written by a talented actress
and writer, Miss Patricia Collins.
And was dramatized by special permission
of the New Yorker magazine.
The part of my friend
was played by the distinguished actress
of the New York stage, Miss Evelyn Barton,
who is currently appearing on Broadway
in Hilda Crane.
Here's a word from RCA Victor.
If you love plays,
how would you like to be not just a first-nighter,
but an every-nighter,
without ever standing in a ticket line?
If you love music, but live far from
the metropolitan area,
how would you like to hear and see
the great singers of our time anyway,
without even taking a train?
If you love boxing, how would you like to see
the major matches so close up you can see
the twinkling of every black eye?
It could go on forever.
The list of fun you'll enjoy
once you visit your RCA Victor dealers
and choose your television set
from eighteen beautiful, new RCA Victor
million-proof models.
Whichever RCA Victor set you choose,
you'll get such beautiful styling
you'll have to send out for new adjectives
to describe it.
And you'll get that peerless engineering quality
which has made RCA Victor television
far and away America's favorite.
The proven pride of over a million families.
Follow their lead tomorrow.
A million American families can't be wrong.
Can't be wrong.
Music
Now let me see, Cantor Carson.
See Miss Bankhead.
Yes, Mary, my darling.
I sure like that part you just took off
about the actress who called up her friend
about her fat yellow dress.
Yes, darling. And now if you don't mind.
Remind me of the time back in Mason City, Iowa.
That's my hometown, you know.
And I was playing in the high school band.
Mason City High School.
That's in Mason City.
How convenient.
Yes.
Well sir, I played the piccolo.
That's a very difficult instrument, the piccolo.
There aren't many people who can play the piccolo.
As a matter of fact, there aren't many people
who want to play the piccolo.
Piccolo is a wind instrument.
And who isn't, darling?
Exactly.
Well sir, there was a fella sitting on one side of me
played triple tongue on the cornet
and he was a junior.
And the fella on the other side of me
he was playing double tongue on the cornet.
He was only a sophomore.
Meredith, if you don't get on with this
revolting little saga.
Well sir, one day the band was playing
Coming Through the Rye.
And there I was sandwiched in between
these two cornet players.
The triple tongue fell on one side
and the double tongue fell on the other.
And I heard my piccolo.
Now that's very funny, darling.
Now if you'll just go.
If you think that's funny, why do I get to the funny part?
You see, I asked my friend Ernie
to come down and see if he could hear my piccolo
between the triple tongue cornet and the double tongue cornet.
That's Ernie Wagner,
not to be confused with Ernie Byer
who ran the drug store back in Mason City.
Ernie Byer didn't know much about music.
He didn't know much about drugs either.
I remember one day old lady Frisbee
had a prescription filled and Doc Byer
we used to call him Doc.
I never did know why.
Isn't this awful?
Stop, I'll pour wet cement in his piccolo.
Bob Hope!
Am I bad? You're bad. Meredith, you can run along.
Bob Hope!
Well, Milton DeLug.
I expect the poor back here, you know.
No, no Bob.
Well, I'm Meredith Wilson.
Either way, you're not going to get the Carnegie Hog.
Why did I sit next to Durrani?
Speak up, I got it, alright.
I have a coach in the dramatic school here.
I'm not in the dramatic school here, I'm not.
Speak up, boy, what's on your mind?
I'll make it fast, I'm doing a benefit in 20 minutes for the members of your band.
Well, you know Mr. Hope, I'm a big fan.
What's that? I say I'm a big fan.
Yes, you have.
I even listen to you when you're on Bing Show.
Oh, Bing Show, oh yes, one of the Gary Crosby enterprises, yeah.
Well, sir, I was just telling Ms. Bank
a story that happened back in Mason City, Iowa.
Meredith, you're not going to continue that nauseating little yawn
about the time you ate a triple-decker tongue sandwich on rice.
This big show is getting smaller every minute.
You know, it's time for the old pro to step in, old reliable himself.
Introduce me, will you, Toulouse?
Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Henry.
I'm doing real great here so far, I'm a straight man for a station break.
Say, would you mind if I slipped a few gems in here,
or are you warming Maury Amsterdam up in the bullpen?
All right, darling, but I must give you an introduction befitting your statue.
Well, now you're talking.
I'll give you a big, fat introduction.
Please, wear your yellow dress, chubby.
Ladies and gentlemen, we on the big show feel we're extremely lucky to have a...
Watch your language.
Oh, excuse me, darling.
Ladies and gentlemen, we on the big show feel we're extremely Chesterfield
to have with us Bob.
Bob, he brought all our boys laughs and good cheer
by riding a jeep all through career
and now can't sit down on his sofa, ho.
Thank you very much, Toulouse.
I have six or seven hundred jokes here.
I'll tell them in alphabetical order.
I want to tell you it's a great thrill to be on this big show, ladies and gentlemen,
with all the stars.
We've got enough stars here for a congressional investigation.
Isn't it wonderful?
They have everything.
You should see the orchestra here.
It looks like Petrillo's wedding.
They have another fellow here, running around with some headphones on.
He's listening to see how the other networks are doing.
I'm finally glad to get on the mic alone, too.
I've been sitting over in that couch for three days.
Can you imagine being on a couch for a half hour?
With Jose Ferrer.
He didn't do a thing for me.
And vice versa.
And he keeps calling me Cyrano.
What a parlay.
Jose Ferrer, Durandy and me, they ought to call this show Three Noses East.
The couch looks like the waiting room in a plastic surgeon's office.
I really enjoyed it here with Eddie Tanner.
He looks wonderful at his age.
And I love that.
I love Jimmy Durandy.
Wasn't he wonderful up here?
I love the way he works.
I made a mistake and went to school, but I want to tell you that this is really the most wonderful show with all these stars.
This is either going to break Jack Benny or the Rockefellers.
But you were right, Tallulah.
Our little band of stage-struck gypsies did take a jeep ride through Korea.
But we only took the short ride.
We saw a lot of kids over there riding jeeps, tanks and jets from Pusan to Manchuria.
You know, it's a rugged war, but when we need it, ruggedness is made in America.
And our boys are proving it over in Korea.
Man, how we traveled on that trip.
We were on instruments for hours going through rain, sleet, wind, fog and snow.
I'll never forget that bus ride to the Los Angeles airport.
But we visited a lot of spots.
Honolulu, Guam, Tokyo, Korea and the Aleutian Islands, wherever people smoke Chesterfields.
15,000 miles because I didn't read the small print in my contract.
Honolulu is a beautiful spot.
As a tourist pulls into Honolulu Harbor, they put a layer of flowers around his neck and say,
Welcome to the paradise of the Pacific Aloha.
Translated, that means, boy, is this going to cost you.
Isn't that a wonderful audience?
They're still frozen there from the last Sonya Hennies show.
But I loved Honolulu.
Godfrey spent a few weeks there this summer teaching the natives how to play the ukulele.
And did you know Godfrey's in the Navy?
They had to let him in, he threatened to buy his own.
Godfrey is really a big operator.
In fact, over at that other place, they told me to read it that way.
Over at that other place when they mentioned Godfrey's name, they dropped the last syllable.
You know, I can't wait.
It's only an hour and a half.
When we landed.
But back to the trip.
You know, when we landed at Okinawa, I was met by a native hand.
Band.
I was, thank you.
I stuck out my hand and said, Bob Hope, USA.
The leader said, Bongo Bongo, MCA.
I was around there during the last war.
I went ashore with a second wave at Saipan.
First one was married.
Wave, that's an old salt with a new shaker.
But you know, somehow.
It takes a long while to get up there, doesn't it?
This time I've never worked to a layer cake.
You know, somehow.
16 balconies.
You've got to get a sore neck in this place.
You know, somehow, somehow this trip was different from the others I've been on.
The GIs are so much more polite.
In the last war, they treated me rough and tough.
But now every time I landed in their field, they'd throw a shot at me.
I was a little bit more polite.
Rough and tough, but now every time I landed in their field, they'd throw a shawl around me and help me over the puddle.
What a joke, I never should have borrowed a writer from Maul.
But I want to say that we're very indebted to the Air Force for flying us around in this little junket.
We had a smooth trip over.
First we flew at an altitude that didn't bother me.
We had to go up higher because the salt water was ruining the tires.
While we were going about 300 miles an hour, when I looked out and saw what I thought was a flying saucer,
it turned out to be my stomach going in the other direction.
But you know, I was thinking today, with those fast planes and atomic bombs,
I sometimes think we're moving at too mad a pace.
Wouldn't it be awful if the Republicans got in just as the world went out?
But it was a wonderful trip, and what a reception we got in Tokyo.
You should have heard the screams when I got off the plane.
I unfastened the wrong belt.
Well actually, actually ladies and gentlemen, I don't think we have to worry about the Korean War anymore.
Warner Brothers has alerted Humphrey Bogart.
No, I'm just being a little whimsical. Very little.
The government has the situation pretty well in hand right now.
That's why I don't like the word taxes.
What it all adds up to is an insurance policy for peace, and I'm happy to be paying premiums.
And that's what I like about this big show. They pay so well.
But with the new taxes, I'm going to have my salary sent directly to the government.
That way we eliminate the middle man.
Me.
I'll never complain about taxes though. I know you can't take it with you.
I'd just like to look at it while I'm here.
But higher taxes doesn't really matter because money is getting so it has little value.
The other night at the store club, I pulled out a five dollar bill and Lincoln said,
Please, not here. I look so shabby.
Bob, I must say you were superb.
I know, it's in my contract.
Now, Toulouse, how about the loot? The money, huh?
That's not my department, darling.
Well, the money's not really for me. I'm taking up a collection for Tammany Hall.
But really, what about the money? How do we get paid here? In cash?
No, darling, we all get checks.
Hoop-de-do!
That is my...
Why, his voice is changing.
I must... Now shut up, Bob. I must introduce Perry Como. He's going to sing now.
Just a minute, excuse me. I'd like to talk to you, Bob. Can I see you?
Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie. If it's about one of your daughters, I'm already married.
And if it's about a son, you can't adopt me.
No, Bob, what I have to tell you is for your benefit. I've been in show business for 40 years.
It wasn't for my benefit.
No, I'm serious, Bob. I don't like to make any trouble, but I don't know if you noticed it,
but I sang a song on this program, Durante sang, and now they're going to have Como sing.
Why don't you sing, Robert?
Eddie, you're going to make trouble for me again.
No, no, I'm not making trouble. I've been in show business for 40 years. I'm only trying to protect this boy.
Thank you, Grandma Moses.
No, no, don't joke about it. I've seen it happen too many times.
First they take away your songs, then they take away your jokes, then you take your name off the theater,
and the first thing you know, you wind up as an old movie on television.
I've seen your television show. You know, Eddie, TV is a pretty tough racket for an old timer.
How do you feel? You don't look it.
Give me a chance, will you?
Me too.
I have my other muscles with me.
Ida!
He's rehearsing.
Look, if you feel anything, cut in, honey. Go ahead.
I'm just about to, brother.
Well, I went to my doctor last week for a checkup.
Where is that? Oh, there he is.
Here, Tom.
We're getting back to this stuff.
Oh, yes, I see. I went to my doctor last week for a checkup. He said I look better on fluoroscopes than I do on TV.
He's not a doctor, he's a critic.
Yep.
It doesn't be funny.
What are you wearing, a feathered girdle?
If it's about one of your daughters, I'm already married.
Come in quickly, Eddie. There it is, baby.
Baby?
Eddie, to Lulu, we're on page 38. Why don't you get a crew cut so you can see the script?
Say, what are you saying about television, Eddie?
Well, it's a tough business. As if I didn't have enough trouble, Ida came on my last show.
I gave her one line and she loused it up.
But now she's stage-struck. There she is back there now.
Hello, Ida!
You're waving at Durante.
Oh, oh, oh.
Now look here, if everybody's too waving at his wife and five daughters, he can kind of take three giant steps back from this microphone.
There's a little unfinished business I'd like to attend to about a song.
Well, if you insist. For my first number, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to sing an old English madrigal. I'll be suing you.
I don't need you, Bob. Pick it up.
Since the show began, now you listen to me, Bob and Eddie, I've been trying to do a song and I'm going to sing it now.
You're going to sing?
Mm-hmm.
I didn't know a foghorn could get a union card.
What are you singing, A Sleep in the Deep?
No, it's Give My Regards to Broadway. The first week when I sang it, there were some letters complaining that I was off key.
Oh, don't mind them. I wrote them in a fit of temper.
Well, then last week, that adorable, ridiculous Groucho March, Mark, ad libbed so much we didn't have time to finish the song.
Now, I want you to listen to me, Bob, and I want your frank and candid opinion.
Okay, I'll go stand by that open window. If I'm lucky, I may fall off.
This is your note, Miss Bankhead.
Thank you very much.
Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to heralds well.
Tell all the gang at 42nd Street that I will soon be there.
Whisper of how I'm yearning. Domingo with the old-time song.
Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there along.
Whisper of how I'm yearning. To linger with the old-time song.
Give my regards to old Broadway, that's been dispatched at last in Spock.
Well, Bob, Bob, what do you think, darling?
You've just heard Miss Tallulah Bankhead in a beautiful rendition of Give My Regards to Seventh Avenue.
To Broadway?
You're still a block away.
Isn't he funny? Godfrey's talent, Scouts, went that way.
Hey, that joke's bad enough to be on television. Come to think of it, so are you.
Please, Bob Tallulah, two stars of your magnitude bickering in public. It's not nice, and I'll tell you why.
You're right, Eddie. I'm sorry, Tallulah, I apologize.
I've been a show business 40 years.
Oh, no, Bob, you're not going to get the audience on your side by being big about an apologizing. I'm as big as you are.
Bigger.
Oh.
And in those 40 years, I've always treated my fellow actors and equal, except when it came to Billy.
But don't worry, Miss Bankhead, I don't mind apologizing. I can take it. I have broad shoulders.
Darling, you're padding your parts.
Look who's talking about padding.
What?
In spite of my 40 years in show business, I am basically a family man. I remember when my first daughter was born.
Bob, I liked you much better when you wore a mustache and called yourself Jerry Colonna.
No offense, man, of course.
I liked you much better in all about Eve. Offense, man, of course.
My first daughter's name was Marjorie, and then came my second daughter, Natalie.
Bob, if you're referring to Betty Davis, I happen to be one of her fondest admirers. I see all her pictures time and again.
How else can you learn?
The next year came Edna.
Robert, that was a cruel, cruel thing to say. I have been acclaimed in the theater for my portrayals of Brittle, Ruthless, and Wren.
There is Tallulah Bankhead, the actress, but there is another Tallulah Bankhead, the woman, and you have hurt her deeply.
Oh, now wait a minute. I was only...
Oh, no, Bob, don't say it. There's nothing you can say.
The wound was too deep, and I shall carry the scar forever.
Gee, kid, I'm sorry I said it. You know, I think you're one of the great actresses of our time.
Yeah, quite a performance, wasn't it?
Let Betty Davis top that. I'm the original. She came after me by one year.
That was a mad live.
And then came Marilyn.
Say, that was a great performance, Tallulah. You really booby-tracked me with that little tear-jerker.
You know, I'm thinking of doing a picture, and I'd love to have you for my leading lady.
Oh, you're joking.
I've been trying to, but your writers got here before mine.
I'm serious now. There's a wonderful dramatic part in this picture for you, Tallulah.
I play the part of Pete Johnson, and you're my wife, and you decide to leave me, and you try to take our dog and her litter of puppies with you.
But I won't give them up.
And that's where you have a very dramatic speech, where you try to make Pete give you the dog and the puppies.
Show me how you deliver that speech.
All right, darling. Peter, give me the litter. Oh, what am I saying?
I could do a little tricking myself, you know.
Next year, I went on the road.
Oh, this is silly of you to try to start a feud between Betty and me.
If the truth were known, you know that we are the best of friends, Betty Davidson and I.
I know, Tallulah. I saw Betty before I left Hollywood, and she told me that when I get to New York, I should call you.
Really, darling?
I can't tell you what.
And then came Janet.
Bob, I don't believe that. Betty and I have always been very frank with each other.
There's nothing, nothing I'd say behind her back that I wouldn't say to her face.
Either one of them.
And then came prohibition.
Oh, where did we expect you? What have you been saying, darling?
I've been a show business.
I've been a show business. Give me his pages.
I've been a show business 40 years.
Well, this is where I came in. So long, Tallulah.
Oh, no, wait, Bob. No, wait. The show isn't over.
We've had a most charming little chat, and I'd like to talk to you some more before you leave, huh?
Okay. I'll go up to the dressing room and wash off the blood.
I'll have a rub down and a massage. Will you join me?
See you later, Bob.
Say Como, a rub down and a massage.
Hey, Bob, wait. Wait, I'll go with you.
I don't like to make any trouble, but that's the way it always happens.
You see, first they give you a massage, then they rub you out altogether. You know what I mean?
Now, let me see. I should have Pericomo on my list. I'd better let him sing his song now.
Now, Tallulah?
No, I'm sorry, Jimmy. Pericomo is ahead of you in the alphabet.
There's only 52 letters in the alphabet, not counting the jokers. And I'm getting lost in a shuffle.
No, you're not, darling. Pericomo is doing his thing right now.
Como, since when does K come before D?
Como is spelled with a C.
Oh, Perisomo. Why didn't you say so? I'll be back later.
All right. Pericomo, you're next.
Well, it's about time.
I'm sorry you had to wait this long. Did you have a bad time, Omi?
Oh, no, no. I've been doing very well, counting tips. I sold a few packets of Chesterfield, you know.
Oh, I'm glad. Now, tell me, Perry, have you made any new records lately?
I just cut a fellow's hair backstage in one minute and four seconds flat.
No, my friend. I mean your recordings.
Oh, you mean my RCA Victor records. So they're selling like hotcakes.
Really? Well, I must try that sometime, darling.
How do you do that? You put the butter between two records and pour the syrup on top?
Well, you try it that way while I sing Patricia.
Okay, darling.
Oh, Patricia, my darling Patricia, I can see all my dreams in your eyes.
Your smile is as gay as a bright summer day.
You're much fairer than Aaron's blue skies.
Oh, Patricia, my lovely Patricia, you could make all my dreamin' come true.
My heart is just droolin'.
Patricia, no foolin', I'm falling in love with you.
Oh, Patricia, my darling Patricia, I can see all my dreams in your eyes.
Your smile is as gay as a bright summer day.
You're much fairer than Aaron's blue skies.
Oh, Patricia, my lovely Patricia, you could make all my dreamin' come true.
My heart is just droolin'.
Patricia, no foolin', I'm falling in love with you.
Oh, Patricia, my lovely Patricia, you could make all my dreamin' come true.
My heart is just droolin'.
Patricia, no foolin', I'm falling in love with you.
Terry, I like it that way.
Oh, now? To do?
Not now. Yes, now, Jimmy.
Oh, I thought so, but you ain't getting me to follow that kid.
Why not?
Because I don't want to show up as bush.
By the way, kid, let me give you a little bit of advice.
Yes, Mr. Durante?
I've been in show business for 40 years.
I kind of like you, kid. You give a good haircut.
What's that with the song you just sang?
Oh, you mean, Patricia?
Patricia, that's no song for you.
I'll give you one of mine. I got a million.
How about singing, I'm Jimmy the Well-Dressed Man?
Of course, you'll have to change your name.
Why wouldn't I sing, I'm Perry the Well-Dressed Man?
Well, that's the cowardly way out.
On second thought, you couldn't sing it at all.
Look at them clothes you're wearing. Look at my clothes.
Who's your tailor?
Oh, I wouldn't call him that.
Yeah, but all my clothes are at Saks Fifth Avenue.
I got a place that's twice as good, Saks Tenth Avenue.
Hey, come on, Colmo. How about that rug down? I'm freezing.
Finally got a line with Bob.
Well, Kalu, I guess I go on now.
Oh, but Jimmy, the time is running short.
You won't be able to do yourself justice.
Why don't you come back and be my guest some other time, huh?
Sure, Kalu.
Any time, but none of that alphabetical stuff for me.
Why don't you come back next week, Jimmy?
Who you got on next week?
Well, we have Fred Allen.
There you go with that alphabet again.
I'll come back when you got Zanuck and Zabisco.
I'd love to have you, Jimmy, because I needn't tell you, you were as usual superb.
Superb? Oh, you're only just saying that.
That's right, darling.
I'll be glad to come back any time, but just one thing, Kalu.
Yes, sir?
Do we need that any canner?
All he does is talk about his five years and show business on his 40 daughters.
And he gets all the laughs.
I know just what you mean, Jimmy.
Just what I was thinking myself. I'm sure I can get rid of him.
Good night, Jimmy.
Good night, Kalu.
Oh, Eddie, I was just talking about you, darling.
Wait for me outside, Jimmy.
Okay.
Well, Eddie, I needn't tell you that you were as usual superb.
Oh, you're just saying that.
That's right, darling.
I'd love to have you back on our show again.
How about a month from today?
It'll be my pleasure. Oh, one thing, Kalu.
Yes, Eddie?
I've been on this show 40 years.
I can't understand with me on the show why you need a guy like Hope.
All he does is stand there and add lip and get a lot of laughs.
I've seen it happen time and time again.
First he gets a lot of laughs, then they start saying,
what do we need with all those other stars on the show? You get me?
Eddie, you took the word right out of my own venomous mouth, darling.
I don't mean to make trouble, you understand.
Oh, of course, and I'm sure I can arrange to keep him off the show.
Good night, Kalu.
Good night, Eddie.
Oh, hello, Bob.
Wait for me outside, will you, Eddie?
Well, Bob, I needn't tell you that you were as usual superb.
Why not? If it takes too long, I'll sponsor the next 15 minutes.
You really were, darling, and I'd love to have you back with us again, huh?
I'd like to, but I don't fit in with you, old-timer.
I mean, he's too old-timer.
I'm young, I'm lovely, I'm engaged to Chesterfield.
After all, too, let's be honest.
Well, Bob, it's a little late in the show for that, but if you insist.
You know, you and I could wrap this thing up ourselves.
Why split the laughs up with the other two guys, you see?
Darling, you've been reading my mind.
Well, it was open, so I just took a fast peek.
I'm sure I can arrange to have them taken off, though.
Hey, Bob!
You coming?
Yeah, I'm coming. Good night, lula.
Good night, Bob.
Well, here I am, man. Let's go.
Come on, Eddie. Come on, Jimmy.
You coming, Tomo?
You're right with it, Tomo.
Look, fellas, can't we get rid of that bankhead dame?
You said it, Eddie, a woman master of ceremonies.
I'm gonna tell Miss Bankhead what you said.
Oh, who's afraid of her and her broad A's?
Ha ha ha!
Darling, don't pay any attention to them.
They were only joking, I hope.
Because I like this job, and I want to invite all of you to be back with us next week.
And we will have with us Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Mindy Carson, Perry Como, Ed Archie Gardner, and Ed Winn.
And now the rest of the company joins me in hoping that until then...
May the good Lord bless and keep you.
Weather near or far away. Mindy?
May you find that long-awaited golden day today.
Bob?
May your troubles all be small ones, and your fortune ten times ten.
Jimmy?
May the good Lord bless and keep you.
Till we meet again, Perry.
May you walk with the sunlight shining, and a bluebird in every tree.
Eddie?
May there be a silver lining back of every cloud you see.
Will you greet this week tomorrow? Never mind what life has been.
May the good Lord bless and keep you. Until we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you. Till we meet. Till we meet again.
Good night, darlings, and a happy Thanksgiving.
The big show is right here on the first alphabetically by D. Engelbach,
and it's written alphabetically by Goodman Ace and George Foster Morton,
Queen Wilbur and Kelly and Frank Wilson.
This is Ed Hurley, good night, everyone.
I'm Phil Harris, then head to Hopper Show on NBC.