The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show!
The Big Show! 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of Five Show Festival, NBC's star-studded five-night-a-week programming savaganza.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Salona Bankhead.
Hello, darling. First I want to say be sure the announcer usually says this at the end of the program.
But last week I received a phone call from a very dear friend of mine in Hollywood. Her name is unimportant. Miss Betty unimportant.
And I asked her if she'd heard any of our shows and she said she tuned in the first week just in time to hear the announcer say,
tune in again next week at the same time for another big show.
So the next week she tuned in again at the same time and again the announcer said, tune in again next week at the same time.
Well she never heard the show, darling. Just the announcer forever saying tune in again next week at the same time.
But I received another phone call that I'm really thrilled about. A man called me.
Well I'm on a hard way to meet him. I don't know who he was, but over the phone he sounded so tall and magnificent.
His voice like a rippling stream, a babbling brook, a gushing waterfall.
You wouldn't settle for a kiss.
Wait a minute.
I couldn't get nasal out of my nose.
Am I glad you're on our show this week?
Is that a question?
No, I need your advice. I have a problem.
Oh a problem. Will you step a little closer to the microphone, madam, please? And no initials. I want names, dates, places, everything. I'm nosy.
Yes, I know, friend. Well this past week I received the most exciting phone call from a very wealthy man I've never met.
Really?
And he's coming backstage to see the show and then we're going out.
Oh he's coming down to get you in a taxi, honey?
Yeah, I'm going to be ready at about half past eight.
Now darling, darling, don't be late.
Oh no, I want to be there when the band starts playing.
Ladies and gentlemen, for our next song, Miss Pankett and I...
Oh dear. Please, dear, dear. It's very important to me, darling, that I make an impression on this man.
Oh really?
I want you to show me how I can be witty and extremely funny and get lots of love. I want you to tell me how to be a huge success on this program.
You want me to explain how to be a success in radio? Well that's one way to get the program off to a big laugh right there.
Tell me more about this telephone, Lothario, who called you up. Who is he? What does he do?
Well he told me he owns a chain of restaurants and I think he said he dabbles in literature. He's written a book about restaurants.
Oh, a book about restaurants? I think I've read it. It's called Are These Our Childs?
No, please Fred, I want to be terribly funny.
Funny as you are.
Remember the time when I was a guest on your radio program and we did a wonderful little satirical sketch about the early morning Mr. and Mrs. Cho's? Why don't we do that now for them?
For him, Fred.
Oh, what's the use, Tallulaheel only laugh. But look, if you insist, we'll try it. Now as I remember, first you heard the NBC chimes and then the announcer said,
The correct time is 6 a.m. And now Tallulaheel and Freddy, that happy, homey couple, we take you to their homey little apartment where they broadcast their homey little program direct from their homey little breakfast table.
Meet Tallulaheel and Freddy.
Good morning, Freddy dear.
Good morning, Tallulaheel angel.
Sweetheart, I must say you look refreshingly well rested this morning.
Yes, thanks to our wonderful Pasternak factory-tested Pussy Willow mattress.
The mattress that takes all of the guesswork out of sleeping. So soft, so restful.
And just 17.50 at Bambergers.
Only the hearts of the tender Pussy Willows are used.
Is breakfast ready, Angel Faze?
Yes, freedom. Here's your coffee.
Ah, thank you, doll.
Ah, what coffee. What aromatic fragrance. It must be... Yes, everybody, grind or drip.
Darling, another cup.
Ah, peaceful. You spill some on your bed.
Goodie. Now I can try some of that little Panther spot remover.
No harsh rubbing. Just spray some little Panther on your vest and watch it eat the spot out.
And imagine, darling, a big two-ounce bottle for only 35 cents.
Or if you are a messy eater, you could get the handy, economical 40-gallon vat with spring balls.
Oh, Angel Eyes, I have so much juicy coffee to tell our listeners this morning.
Stop, stop. Don't you dare move.
Now what's the matter, darling? What is it?
What have you done to your hair? That sheen, that brilliance.
Well, I just did what so many society women are doing these days.
I went to Madame Yvonne's Hair Du Heaven.
Oh.
It's on Madison Avenue. You go to the back of the orange juice stand.
Yes.
Wrap three times and off for Antoine.
It is divine. Your head looks like the back of a bunny.
A good bunny.
Madame Yvonne uses this sensational hairdressing.
Really?
And it contains that new mystery ingredient, chicken flesh.
I hear it's on sale at all of the better thrift shops.
But go on, darling.
Ah, our canary, little Yasha.
Oh, doesn't little Yasha sound glorious this morning?
And I bet I know just what he's saying, too.
He's saying, gee, Willikus, Mommy and Daddy,
are feeding me that swell Dr. Gruber's three-way bird seed
that comes in 15 and 25 cent packages tailored to fit the beaks.
Oh, little Yasha, so happy. He just can't really advise you to be happy.
Yes, he knows that the newspaper on the bottom of his cage is New York's leading daily.
The Morning Record. The Morning Record has 32 columnists, 18 pages of comics,
and all the news no other newspaper sees fit to print.
Oh, excuse me, Apple Honey.
Yes?
I have a letter here from Mrs. T.S. Button of Mohol, Idaho.
Yes?
Now, Mrs. Button has had a splitting headache for 40 years
until she heard about Pepto-Bepto on our program.
Oh, only Pepto-Bepto is guaranteed to fizz twice.
Once before you drink it, and once after.
Oh, here's another interesting letter from the Peptomaniacs.
He writes...
Morning, Mom, Gene, Daddy.
Why, it's our little three-year-old daughter, Irene.
Irene, I just love the way your tooth is shining this morning.
Yes, I brushed it with Dr. Pratt's halogenized toothpaste.
And what does Dr. Pratt's toothpaste do, baby?
Well, get some to your mouth.
Yes?
Rolls up the sleeves.
Yes?
And really does a job on your dirty old teeth.
Isn't she cute?
So cute.
Now, run along to school, baby.
Yes?
Daddy and Mommy have oh, so many things to tell our listeners.
Yes, especially about the celebrities we saw at the stock club last night.
Oh, wasn't it wonderful?
Oh.
The Maury Amsterdam, Buster Crabb, Kenny, the Mystery Chef.
Yes?
J. Edgar, all waiting for us.
Now, what are you laughing at, love?
I just thought how witty Oscar Levant was last night when he poured that bottle of Piccolilli over Jim Farley's head.
Oh, dear Oscar, so clever.
Oh, especially the way he ad-libs with Piccolilli.
I've never seen anything like it.
And wasn't Mr. Farley a good sport?
Well, darling, he just sat there grinning and smacking his lips.
Yes, and you, too, will smack your lips.
If you taste Primal's pre-shrunk Piccolilli.
The only Piccolilli that bears the hobo news seal of approval.
Well, there's little Yasha telling us our time is up.
We'll be back tomorrow morning at six, folks.
Until then, this is Freddie.
And Toulouse.
Saying goodbye.
Goodbye.
Now, wasn't that simple, Toulouse?
With a radio program like this, you don't have to worry about talking for an hour and a half every Sunday night.
Why, with a morning show, you can be all finished and back in bed by half past six.
But it's ridiculous, Fred.
Nobody can possibly be that cheerful every morning.
Well, that's true.
If one of those happy couples woke up grouchy one morning, the listener would probably hear something like this.
Oh my God.
Hey, knucklehead, get out of that bed.
We've got a program to do.
Will you quit yapping?
Six o'clock in the morning.
Who's up to listen to us?
A couple of burglars and a disc jockey, maybe.
What a racket.
Well, if you want to go back to hustling gardenias in front of lenses, go right ahead.
Yeah, where were you?
Queen of the powder room at the brass rail.
My mouth tastes like a sandhog just pulled his foot out of it.
I can't, I'm sleepy.
Well, why don't you stay home some night and try sleeping?
On that Pasta Nack pussy willow mattress?
Pussy willow.
It's stuffed with cat hair.
Every time I lie down on that cat hair, my back arches.
Oh, stop beefing. Here's your coffee.
Well, it's about time.
What are you trying to do, poison me?
It's that Mckesha's Vita Fresh coffee. It won't kill you.
Oh.
It won't, eh?
Why do you think the government makes them put that skull and crossbones on the can?
Look at this. I spilled some on my night shirt here.
Oh, you're such a slob.
I'll get that bottle of little Pantus spot remover.
You're not putting any of that atomic juice on me.
The last time it ate away my night shirt and I still had the spot left.
I'm holding it there in my hand. I was on the spot and had it with...
Where do you find these Pantus? In the police line up?
Look, Grusin, if you'll keep that big bazoo of yours closed for one minute...
Why is that?
Your hair. It looks as though you just took your head out of a mix master.
I know that hag, Madame Yvonne, was caught chicken fat.
My hair keeps sliding off my head.
That bird again.
Shut up, you moping pest. I thought I told you to give that canary some Dr. Gruber's bird seed.
Well, I did. Now, Yasser's the only canary in the country with an author.
The way that Gruber palms off that chopped up beaver board on bird lovers.
What's the mail today, child of head?
A summons. Somebody took that...
Somebody took that Pepto-Bepto and dropped dead.
Why don't you?
Now look here, clam face.
Oh, shut up.
And Yasser, you shut up too.
Good morning, Mums and Daddies.
Ah!
That'll teach you.
Sneezing up on your parents with that one tooth like an old elf.
Well, can the frats help it if she looks like you?
I want my breakfast.
Go gum a donut.
Hive down, Tom. I want to mention the celebrities we saw last night at dinner.
What celebrities? We ate in the Auto-Mat and you know it.
I'm going back to bed.
The program isn't over, Joe. We still have a hundred and sixty more products to mention.
Well, you mention them. I've had enough of this six o'clock grind with you and that kid in the canary yapping around here.
I've got a gun.
You left. You killed Yasser.
Yes, and you're next.
Yeah, you killed Mums.
Yes, Irene. Now it's your turn.
I'm going too, Daddy?
Yes. Good night, Irene.
Well tune in tomorrow, folks, for something new in radio programs.
One man's family without the family.
Now that's the kind of thing I'd like to do on this program, Fred.
Can't you tell me some of the funny and witty things you say on your show so I can impress this man?
Well, Tallulah, I'm going to let you in on a little trade secret.
You know, I really don't say anything witty or funny. It just seems as though I do.
I'll show you what I mean. I brought along a few jokes I happened to run across.
I got my copy of the National Geographic a little early this month.
Now if I could just get a straight man to help me tell these jokes, you, sir, could you come up here, sir?
Oh, yes, yes, I'm coming. Here I am. You mean me, don't you?
Yes.
What is your name, sir?
My name?
Yes.
I don't know.
Your name?
Wait a minute, I'm thinking. Wait a minute. I have it on the tip of my tongue, you know.
Would you mind looking at the tip to see what my name is?
E.D. Ed. I see Ed. Could you put your tongue out a little farther so I could see the rest?
Oh, Ed Palette, is it? I see Palette in there.
No, no, no.
That's not your name?
No, I know my name because my wife and I just had dinner, you know.
Uh-huh.
And we had alphabet soup and my name came up. I know it. It says Ed Wynn. Ed Wynn is my name.
Oh, Ed Wynn.
Ed Wynn. That's my name, yes.
Well, Mr. Wynn, we've never met before. We're total strangers.
Yeah.
You don't know who I am and I don't know who you are. Is that right?
That's right, Fred.
What business are you in, Mr. Wynn?
Oh, I'm not ashamed. Television.
Oh, are you? Television. It is known in some circles as home entertainment.
Uh-huh.
Because nobody would think of going out of the home to see it.
You're in the television business, eh?
Well, look, I'm having a little trouble with my set.
What's wrong? You can't get any shows on it?
No, I can't get them off of it.
Oh, well, I'll tell you. I have an invention for a thing like that.
Yes?
Well, if you enjoy your television with my invention, it's a six-foot screen.
A six-foot screen.
Yes, I keep it right in front of my set. Can't see a thing.
Well, now, if you two embittered gentlemen, we'll get back to my problem.
Oh, yes, Tallulah. Now, watch this closely.
Mr. Wynn, if you will, please, will you start reading the joke from this National Geographic magazine here?
Yes, yes. All right.
Seems like such a silly thing to do, though.
All right. The dancing gales of Java are known for their...
Please, Mr. Wynn, it's on the other side.
Oh, I'd rather read this part if you don't mind what we're...
No, no. Read the other side, if you will, please.
All right. But that's like walking out in the middle of a picture, you know.
All right, here it is. Joke.
A hunter one day was walking through the jungles of Africa when he suddenly encountered a lion.
You mean? Get that, Tallulah. Isn't that a clever line? You mean?
Yes. Before he could shoot, the lion rang at the hunter, but he misjudged the distance.
And then? There's a gem. Latch on to that one. And then?
And then the lion took such a long jump that he missed the hunter completely and he ran off into the jungle.
How sad.
Well, coming back that evening, the hunter saw that the lion... Well, he saw the same lion in a little side trail like in the jungle, you know.
And what do you think the lion was doing?
You don't mean that...
Yes, sir. It was the same lion he was practicing shorter jumps.
Well, I know there are people out there. I can hear them breathing.
You see what I mean, Tallulah?
You were very funny, Fred.
I know I was excruciatingly funny, but what did I say? All I said was, you mean? And then? You don't mean that. That's all you have to learn.
Now, if you do that, Tallulah, you'll be as big a success in radio as I was.
You mean?
Now, you're doing it.
Fred, I'm eternally grateful for you.
Oh, it's nothing, as you will soon find out.
The Dancing Girls of Java are known for their wonderful...
No, no, no, please, please, give me that National Geographic, Mr. Williams.
Oh, all right.
If you don't mind, I would like to rehearse these witticisms before my visitor gets here.
Meredith, would you please have your officer play something?
Well, aren't you going to introduce the number?
All right, darling.
Meredith Wilson presents the big show chorus and officer in an exciting gypsy song called Love is Such a Cheat, complete with flashing eyes, violins, love, and moonlight.
The gypsy coming from the market place, I'm riding to a pretty place, and you know what that means.
There's lots of money in the scheme, we're girly in our teeth, we're seen as Transylvania, where love is such a mania.
The gypsy came from Mucarasta, girl, she came from Budapest, now you can get the rest.
When the wind began to blow, and so did all his foes, he danced a little, sang a little.
The gypsy played his violin, he sang to her and she to him.
The gypsy played his violin, he sang to her and she to him, her head upon his chest.
Right and early gone, found the gypsy gone, seeking gypsy, gypsy wondering why.
Love is such a cheat, love is pretty sweet, even never even says goodbye.
One thing you're certain, when you're flirting, you will always come to green.
Dr. Moyer, Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Sailor, Pager, Menno, Pee, yes, yes, yes.
There's a heart within you, you'll continue ever to be prone.
If there's a Mr. Kiss, you'll kiss the Miss and ever you'll belong.
When the wind began to blow, and so did all his foes, he danced a little, sang a little.
The gypsy played his violin, he sang to her and she to him, play a gypsy melody.
Though your hearts may ache, young hearts never break.
Love and you're bound to be proved throughout my years.
You mean and then you don't mean that.
Oh, Fred, darling, wouldn't you see if I'm reading these lines correctly?
I'd be glad to, Tallulah.
Now, think if you like this reading.
You mean and then you don't mean that.
How's that?
Well, it may not get a laugh out of the audience, but it certainly will keep them awake.
Now, Fred, darling, am I throwing too much of myself into it?
Well, if I may say so, Tallulah, the best part is still left over.
Say, Tallulah, here comes Jack Carson.
Why don't you try my suggestions out on Jack?
Oh, Jack Carson, just the man of all the seeds.
Hello, Tallulah. Hello, Fred. Say, I heard a funny story back there just now.
You mean?
Oh, you heard it.
Oh, no, no, no, go right ahead.
Thank you. Well, this is the story of a fellow who dreamed one night that he was a great baseball player, see?
He pitched a no-hit game, and every time he got up to the bat, he hit a whole run.
And then?
That's it, Tallulah.
And then the next night, he had that same dream again.
You don't mean that, sir.
Certainly I do.
He dreamed that he pitched a no-hit game, and every time he got up to bat, he hit a home run.
He dreamed of seven nights in a row.
You mean?
I mean, what, aren't you paying attention?
He dreamed of seven nights in a row, and then he decided to sell his butcher shop and become a ball player, and his partner wouldn't let him.
He made him go to see a psychiatrist.
You don't mean that, sir.
For what?
I don't know, darling. Yes, you don't mean that.
This is the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead?
Eh, who cares about her?
Jack, I want to hear the end of this story.
So this fellow went to a psychiatrist, and then the psychiatrist said to him,
Why do you waste your time dreaming about baseball?
Why don't you dream of a beautiful girl with a million dollars, madly in love with you, takes you out in her big car, winds you in, dines you in, pays all the bills, drives you home and gives you a great big good night kiss?
Why don't you dream about that instead of baseball?
And the fellow said to the psychiatrist, What? Is this my turn at bat?
And then?
That's it, kid. Those are the jokes. I know you're here. I can hear you breathing.
Oh, Jack, I'm terribly sorry. I acted so cupidly. It's just that I'm expecting a visitor, and I want to impress him. And Fred has been such a dear, showing me how to be.
Oh, it was really nothing to lose. I don't know how I get into this thing in the first place.
I just happened to stop in here to say howdy to Mr. Ice and pick up a few cubes on the way home.
Tell me Mr. Ice has moved his rink over to Rockefeller Plaza, so I'll just take this tonsillectomy bag over there. See you all later, I'm afraid.
See you later. He's a dear. But Jack, maybe you can advise me. I want so much to be successful on this show today.
Well, Perlula, every actor should have a flash finish to his act, a dance, a song. Do you sing?
Give my regard to Broadway.
You dance?
Now Jack, I sing very well, in spite of my voice.
Won't you try a song with me?
Well, I'm from Milwaukee, and I ought to know better, but here we go. Meredith, how about, uh, Baby It's Cold Outside?
I really can't stay.
Baby it's cold outside.
Darling, I think it must go away.
Baby it's cold outside.
Very well, darling, I'll stay.
You twisted my arm.
Then hoping that you drop in.
I said I'd stay.
Hot.
I'll hold your hands there just like I.
Well, don't make a federal case out of it, darling. I'll stay.
Beautiful, what's your hurry?
Who's in a hurry? I'm not going out in this blizzard.
Listen to the fireplace roar.
I'd like to listen to it if you'd stop talking.
Beautiful, please don't hurry.
Who's hurrying? I'm going to stay here in front of the fire.
Put some records on while I pour.
Hand me my drink, darling.
Baby, you'd freeze out there.
I believe you. You convinced me.
Well, it's up to your knees out there.
I'm spending the night right here in front of this fireplace.
Do I?
Your eyes are like starlight now.
Stop talking about my eyes. My feet are freezing.
How can you do this thing to me?
I'm not going out there and put the car in the garage.
Think of my life long sorrow.
And go and see if the children are covered.
If you caught pneumonia and died.
And warm up my side of the bed.
Baby, don't hold out. Baby, it's cold outside.
Honestly, sometimes I think I should never have married you in the first place.
Baby, it's cold outside.
Fooled you, didn't we, darling?
You see, Tallulah, a song always kills them.
And Tallulah, if you can do a song impersonating somebody else singing it, you're a cinch.
But darling, I couldn't possibly impersonate anybody.
Couldn't? That's not the way I heard it.
I hear there's one impersonation you do better than anybody else.
What? No, no.
Here's what I mean by an impersonation. It goes something like this.
The music starts.
Oh!
But we, while we're still dancing, which goes to show.
Well, Tallulah? Tallulah, what did you think?
Tallulah, hey!
Hey, what's happening?
Hey, where'd you go?
Oh, I just got back from the tent me.
And just in time to ring my charm, this is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
WNBC and WNBC-FM, New York.
6.30 p.m. Bolliver Watch time.
The big show. This is the national broadcasting company, Sunday Extravaganza,
with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
This portion of the program is the Sunday feature of NBC's Star-studded five-show festival of comedy, music, drama, and mystery,
presented five nights a week and brought to you by your local Ford dealer,
who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford, the car that's built for the years ahead.
By RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
And by the makers of Amazons, the fast release from Pain of Headache, Dear Writers, and New Rouser.
The big stars on this program are Fern Allen, Jack Carson, Mindy Carson, Ed Archie Gardner, Lawrence Melchior,
Edwin Meredith Wilson and his orchestra.
And every week, your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Miss Tallulah Bankhead.
Oh!
Well, darling, this is one big show where I must be especially effective,
because I want to impress a certain mysterious gentleman who phoned me the other day and said he was coming over to see me.
And how can I miss when appearing with me here are three great stars, Fred Allen, Jack Carson, and Edwin.
Now the advice these gentlemen have given me has been most invaluable.
It's worthless.
Worthless?
Worthless. You try to help somebody out and that's all the thanks you get.
Plus a check.
Yeah. Dear friend, who knows if the check isn't worthless?
A good point, Jack. I'm glad you...
Wait a minute here. You fellas getting paid for this?
Yeah.
Well, it is for Miss Bankhead.
Yeah. Imagine a woman emceeing a big show like this.
Women are getting into everything, you know it, fellas.
I was even driven over here in a taxi by a woman cabbie.
We've been in radio for years.
Any one of us could do a better job than she does, couldn't we Ed?
I do love that I've never driven a taxi, you know.
You don't understand. Fred's talking about us running a big radio show like this one.
Yeah.
We've been stars in radio for a long time and to be replaced by a woman.
Yes.
Well, come on.
May I ask what radio show you're starring on these days?
Well, I'm not on any show this season.
And you, Mr. Allen?
Well, I'm not on radio this season either.
And you, Mr. Winn?
Oh, I've been out of season for years.
But I have a television show and so has Ed Winn and people seem to like those.
And people enjoy your television show too, don't they Fred?
Well, they enjoy it after a fashion.
An old-fashioned even helps more.
Television is all right, Jack, but give me radio as it used to be with all of the big stars like Ed Winn here, Kate Smith, Rudy Valley, Jack Carson, Jimmy Durandy, Jack B-E-N-N-Y.
Oh, yes, those were the big names, Fred.
But great God, who have they got today?
Today radio has new faces, Ed.
Quizmasters.
Have you seen any of those new pans who are giving away pots?
Can't find some right there.
Once upon a time you put on a show where the big star's name was a household word.
Now all you need to put on a show is a household utensil.
Good morning, it's nice to be standing here listening to you wag, wag.
But I'm expecting a very important visitor and I'd like to get on with the show.
Here comes the guy now, is this the one?
Oh no, that's Ed Hurley and he probably has a commercial.
Oh, that's right, Miss Frankhead.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you an invitation.
An invitation to examine the fine new Ford for 1951.
It's on display now at your neighborhood Ford dealers and we want you to see it.
We want you to drive it because this car is the finest Ford ever produced.
It's a quality car, a car that's designed and built to give you lasting satisfaction in the years ahead.
When you inspect the 1951 Ford, you'll find that it offers 43 look-ahead features.
Features that will keep it young in performance, young in style for years to come.
Among them you'll find the new automatic ride control for an easy ride, a level ride.
The automatic mileage maker for real fuel economy.
And new luxury lounge interiors with rich color harmonized Ford craft fabric.
We invite you to see all 43 look-ahead features of this great new Ford for 1951 at your Ford dealers tomorrow.
Music
I can't understand why this man hasn't shown up.
If he's unavoidably detained, at least he could have done with the telephone.
Has he got your number, Tallulah?
Yes, Jack, he has.
That could be a reason.
This may be a revolutionary idea, Miss B. But why don't you call him up?
Frederick, I, Tallulah Bankhead, telephone a man.
Never, I would never telephone any man. You hear me?
Never, never would I telephone a man. I have never telephoned a man and I will not telephone a man now. Never, never, never.
So you won't talk, eh?
Why, I wouldn't telephone him if he was the last man on earth.
Well, if he was, his line would be pretty busy.
Now, Ted, can you ever in your wildest imagination picture me sitting around in my apartment,
looking at the screen, because some one man hasn't called up?
Can you imagine me groveling over the phone before any man in a conversation that would probably go something like this?
Hello? Hello, is Claude there?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I must have the wrong number.
Now, wouldn't you know, they never get a wrong number in the other radio show,
but on this huge hour and a half mishmash, it's Tevaganza, some incompetent sound man gets me a wrong number.
Hello, Claude, darling. Hello, darling, yes, this is Tallulah.
What do you mean, Tallulah who?
Now, Claude, you needn't cry to this guy, your voice, I know it anyway.
Oh, Ling Young, I'm sorry. May I speak to, thank you dear, darling boy Ling Young.
His family's been with Claude's people for years. His father before him, that was old Ling Young, and now Lin Young.
He's the young young. Hello, Claude, my pet, this is Tallulah.
What do you mean, Tallulah who?
Oh, a joke.
Oh, say good dear, boy.
Oh, Claude dear, you were supposed to phone me, you know.
Well, you were taking me out to dinner.
Well, you were leaving my dressing room right after the show. I saw me by the mo-
Well, you've got to be- I'd be ready to ca-
But would you drive to my hotel, darling, I'd be in the lobby right by-
All right, darling, what is your address again?
Now, just a moment, I'll get a pencil and jot it down. I saw one here just a moment ago.
Here's that pencil. Oh, hold on Claude dear, I'm looking for a pencil, darling.
Where in the- Oh, just when I need a pencil, you can't find one.
Oh, hold on darling, holding on, okay. I'm just going to find my glasses so I can find my pencil.
Well, I don't wear glasses all the time, only when I'm awake.
Oh, that was a joke, darling.
Oh, here's a pencil. I found it without my glasses, you see.
Now, now Claude, what was that address again?
Oh, I'm sorry darling, it isn't a pencil after all, it's my thermometer.
You're just lying here at 105.
I'm sure that pencil must be around here somewhere because I-
Oh, here it is, darling, I found it, Claude darling, I found it.
Now, now, now, what was that address again? Tell me again.
Yeah, I'll jot it down right now.
No, not so fast my sweet, yes, I'm ready now.
I can't see you tonight.
Why not?
Yes, you told me that before, rehearsing in a play, yes, I know.
Yes, of course, at the theatre by 8 o'clock, I know. Yes, big scene tomorrow.
With whom did you play?
Oh, Claude, are you kidding?
Oh, she played your mother, of course.
She played your fiancee?
Oh, how strange, it must be one of those stories where the young man marries a rich old Howard, yes.
Now, don't tell me how old she is, I went to school with her.
Oh, what am I saying? I mean, I was only joking, darling.
I mean, really, where is your sense of humor?
Well, if you're busy tonight, how about tomorrow night, huh?
Oh, and then I'll ask her.
I see, I see, I see, but you can't see me.
I understand perfectly.
Oh, no, Claude, of course not, of course, there'll be no tears.
Oh, no, there's tears, no weeping, there's wailing, there's hair.
That's the G.W. Anderson, darling.
You see me often enough in the theatre, I always underphase.
God, what the hell?
I say all my pranks, coolly and calmly, and now coolly and calmly, I give you this ultimatum.
Either you see me before the week is out, or what, or nothing.
Either you see me before this week is out, that's it.
Listen to me, Claude, if I don't hear from you before the week is out, I'll call you tomorrow.
Oh, please, Claude, you needn't lie about it.
I know when I made a fool of, I wasn't born yesterday.
Now, what do you mean by that last last?
Claude, this is no good, you simply cannot go on this way.
I mean, it was never meant to be my sweet, that's all.
But our third act has been, the play is over, the notice is written.
It's been a long run, we were a hit while it lasted.
No, no, Claude, don't say sorry.
I'll go away, Europe, London.
Somebody wants me to do a play, you know.
Oh, I'll stay there, because I'll never come back.
It means leaving my friends, my life, but I'll make a new life over there.
Then this is, this is goodbye.
And oh, Claude, one thing you can do for me, give my regards to Broadway.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Now, Fred, can you imagine my doing that, never?
Hey, tell them I found him.
Is this the guy you're waiting for?
No, Jack, that's Lorick McHugh.
Oh, my God.
Young man, please put me down.
Oh, sure.
What is this strange custom, Miss Bankett, carrying artists into the studio?
I can walk.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Miss Melchior.
But you see, I was expecting a friend, and Jack thought you were he.
But am I glad to see you, darling.
Is that a question?
Oh, no, no, we're very happy to have you on our program.
We're trying to get some of the greatest voices in the world on the big show.
But only a few weeks ago, we had Mr. Pinser.
Oh, yes, old man Pinser.
He was here.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I see.
So that is when you started the custom of carrying the artists into the studio.
Oh, Mr. Melchior, Mr. Pinser is very attractive and so virile.
We girls find him that way.
We who?
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
That's very funny, darling.
Yes, I understand, my good friend.
It sure has become quite a romance figure.
You're so right.
He is romantic.
No, no, Bankett, I said romantic.
Oh, Mr. Melchior, you're making Pinser sound positively aged.
How old is he?
Older than springtime he is.
Oh, Mr. Melchior, I saw him only a few weeks ago and I'm sure he's only in his late 30s.
Miss Bankett, it is jaydance, and you think.
How old are you, Mr. Melchior?
I'm in my late 30s.
In your late 30s?
Yes, 44.
And how old are you, Miss Bankett?
Oh, now what are you going to say in your first number, darling?
Miss Bankett, I asked you a question.
How old are you?
What are you going to say in your first number?
Do you want to tell me your age?
What are you going to say for your 38th?
I mean your first number.
That's surprise talk.
And as only you can, darling.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great voices of our time singing surprise songs from your Mr. Melchior.
Was that a bends?
You can see in the rosy light
from the red and red
in the field.
All the men who won
a garden, let me in
under a wonderful tree
from the red and red
in the field.
What I long for
fill us with wonder
what I want
ever in Paris.
Evening came in the evening
and the night struck me.
On a sunny day I was invited
to a quest, a quest
that I was walking in.
And under a flower tree
from far away in Hamburg
I saw from the weapons
the
m methods of Oriental
man
is
Yes
Here's a word from RCA Victor. There used to be a saying you can't be in two places at once, but
millions of us are disproving it every day. Your living room rug with television becomes the
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that keeps on giving. America's favorite television, RCA Victor. Pardon me, I'm looking for a tomato
named Salola. Who are you? I'm from Selfie Star and the name is Archie. And what do you want? Well,
I made a blind date here with some little mouse. It is obvious that you have staggered in here by
some godly mistake. This is a big show. Oh, the big show? For you big Salola? I am through to
banking. This is a blind date. You know, it's a funny thing that there's a center theater here.
It's a center of everything but laughs, you know. Permit me to present me card, miss. Here you are.
The ace of spades? The ace of spades? Oh, I'm sorry. Fell out of me sleeve. I should have removed
me handball glove. Here, this is me card. Air, Arctic, Gardener, Duffel's Tavern, where the elite
need to eat. The hard of espanol and Spanish spoken too. And Spanish spoken too. Like a cooker-racha.
Well, I'd still like to know what you're doing here. Salola, don't you remember? I'm the Don John that
telephoned you. I told you I'd meet here and we'd go out. You? Surprised you, huh? Well, come on,
sit, tank. I don't time to fool around, shake it up. You ain't even dressed yet. Not dressed?
Ain't throwing out in that kimono, I guess. This dress is Hattie Carnegie. Better give it back
to her and slip into one of your own. You're taking over the Duffy's Tavern. Duffy's Tavern?
Yeah. On the phone you told me you had a chain of rest stops. I said I had a rest and chain. Chain
that runs along the bar to keep the drunks from... And that book? That book you said you wrote? I said
I'm making books. If you ain't going out with a nobody tonight, you're going out with a long shot.
Obviously a case of arrested development. Well, I ain't finished the joint yet. Well,
come on, Salola, leave us get the lead out, huh? We'll get the car. Oh, the town car you said you
had. I said a cross town car. Cross town car. What's that? We're not traveling in style, kid.
I'm loaded with transfers. You ain't never been to Duffy's Tavern, huh? No, and I can imagine what
sort of place it is. I doubt it. You've got to see it to believe it. It's only one of the most
exclusive joints in New York. Oh, excluded, huh? Oh, very risque. Matter of fact, you can't get into
a place without a card. And how do you get a card? We got a kid in the street passing them out. Yeah?
Now bourgeois. Bourgeois? Look, I ain't giving you no bourgeois. It's a high class joint. It has
that certain something, you know? The certain je ne sais quoi? What? Je ne sais quoi. Well, it did
it twice, but the health department took care of that. And how is the cuisine? Oh, the cuisine. Oh,
man, you're cheap. Practically as good as the food. I want food. When you get over there tonight,
I want you to try the 25 cent seven course dinner. You'll never forget it. Five, ten, seven courses?
Well, it might seem like a lot to you, but don't worry. Tonight it's on me. From the look of your
vest, it's been on you every night. You like me new suit, huh? It's important. It's one of them Scotch
carriers. Tell me more about these kennel rations you served for 25 cent. Believe me,
Tallulah, it's worth it when you consider the service, you know? We make it very personal.
A private napkin to each customer, individual knives and forks. The table cloth changed every
fortnight, sometimes even every third night. And on top of the food, a floor show. How messy can you get?
Yes, sir. And what a floor show. We got a one man band, you know? A one man band? Yeah, a guy known
as the lone arranger. He played the harmonica with his mouth, the drums with his feet and the
cymbals with his elbows. And what did he do with his hands? He holds them over his ears. He can't see.
Well, how does the salmon sound to you? It sounds perfectly nauseating. I know you'd like it.
Well, come on, let us get going. We're wasting time, huh? Well, just give me a moment to think
about it. And I'd like to take that moment, Miss Bankhead, to say the next time you suffer from
pains of headache, neuritis or neuralgia, take Anisine. You'll bless the day you heard of this
incredibly fast way to relieve these pains. Now, the reason Anisine is so wonderfully fast acting
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Thousands of people have received envelopes containing Anisine tablets from their own dentist
or physician, and in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief Anisine brings from
pains of headache, neuritis or neuralgia. So the next time a headache strikes, take Anisine for this
wonderfully fast relief. Anisine, A-N-A-C-I-N. Anisine comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30
economical family-sized bottles of 50 and 100. Get Anisine at any drugstore.
Well, so Lola, you had that minute to think it over. Have you come to any concussions?
Yes, I must have a hole in my head for even thinking about it.
But I'm considering going with you. You will intrigue me.
I intrigue you? Well, not now, maybe later. Maybe we'll have a midnight snack.
I'll go on one condition that all of my friends on the big show come with me. Fred, Jack, Ed,
Lawrence, Meredith, come here, darling. I want you all to meet Mr. Gardner. Mr. Gardner, may I
present Mr. Fred Allen. How do you do? How do you do? And Mr. Jack Carson, Mr. Gardner. How do you
do? How do you do? And you've met Fred. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? And Ed Winn.
How do you do? How do you do? And Jack. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? And
Lawrence. How do you do?
Well, let me see how you met Fred. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Sh près,
How do you do? How do you do at Ay movement? How do you do? How do you do? Now,
who else now? How do you do? How do you do? Well, I'll be serviced for 58.
And everybody gets a separate check now except you, Miss...
Did I meet you yet?
Tallulah Bankhead.
How do you do?
I roll off the doctor's hat.
Before you go, Miss Bankhead, I just wish to say that this portion of the program was brought to you by your local Ford dealer,
who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford, the car that's built for the years ahead.
By RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television,
and by the Whitehall Pharmacol Company, makers of Anason, Colonos, Bicidol, and other fine drug products.
Wait a minute, I ain't met this guy. Who's this?
This, darling, is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
How do you...
Your Ford dealer invites you to see and drive the 1951 Ford, offering 43 new look-ahead features designed and built for the years ahead.
It's built for the future, it's designed to suit you, and priced to fit your pocketbook.
This is the Big Show, and all of our stars have been invited down to Duffy's Tavern.
Hello, Duffy's Tavern. Why do you wait me to eat? I see the man just faking Duffy ain't here.
Well, Duffy, I guess who's coming over tonight?
Tallulah. What do you mean, Tallulah who?
Tallulah Bankhead. Huh? Who is he?
He only happens to be one of the biggest female actresses in the country.
Never heard of her.
Duffy, Duffy, this aim has been up and tight, I mean, life, been up and life for years.
Guy's still gonna holler at you.
She's a combination of a beautiful woman and a great comedian.
Well, think of Betty Grable for beauty.
Now think of Joan Davis for comedy.
Mix them together and what do you get? Betty Davis?
Well, that's close enough, and who else do you think is coming?
Well, it's Melkia.
What do you mean, who is she?
You heard of Pincer? Well, this guy's a contemptuariah here.
You see, they know it's coming. We've got three of the biggest clowns in America.
Fred Allen and Jack Carson and Ed Wynn.
They what? On ice, huh?
In addition, there's Meredith Wilson.
Yeah, Meredith Wilson, the conductor is coming down.
Look, Duffy, I realize that all of them crumbs ain't as good as four chicks and a chuck.
But I can get them to work free.
Well, look, Duffy, I gotta hang up now. I'll call you back. Here comes the big mo now.
Well, Saludo, welcome to the tavern. How do you like the place?
It obviously is not 21.
Neither are you.
Yeah.
The others will be here in just a minute.
If there was a slight misunderstanding, the conductor was quite stuffy about accepting yesterday's hand birds.
I'm most...
I'm most anxious to find out how you can stay in business and serve a seven-course dinner for 25 cents.
How do we do it? We got ways and means.
May I check your coat, Miss Bankhead?
Pee-zoo.
For 25 bucks.
That's the ways and means.
And this is a lovely coat.
My goodness.
Make side?
Well, we all have to go sometime.
Well, here comes Mr. Allen. Welcome, Mr. Allen.
You never had here before, did you?
Well, once, Archie, many years ago.
And you never returned?
No, but for weeks the food did.
I remember, I have a bitter memory of a sandwich I consumed here.
It was called a Sam special.
Sam special?
Yes, it consisted of a slice of spam, a slice of ham, and a slice of Sam.
I've got the Sam special here, very popular.
Ouch!
There's Sam making a special up now.
Okay, Mr. Allen, is that what you want, a Sam special?
No, I don't think so, Archie. Who else... I mean, what else have you got?
Well, I'll give you the bill up there in a minute. Let me check your coat, Mr. Allen.
Fred, aren't they okay? You're okay.
Why?
Check your coat, Mr. Allen.
Yes, thank you.
Hell, it cost you five bucks.
It's not a coincidence, so did the coat.
Oh, here comes Jack Carson.
Hi, gang.
Hello.
Well, welcome to the tavern, Mr. Carson. Are you hungry?
I certainly am.
Well, here's a man after my own heart.
If that's what you're serving, I'm leaving.
Oh, no, you know, dig me. Let me check your hat and coat.
Here you are.
Here's your hat check. That'll be five dollars.
Five dollars for what?
For the hat check.
You want to get your coat and hat back, don't you?
Look, I don't need a check.
I go to all the best places in town, give them my hat and coat.
They never give me a check. They know me. All the pictures I've been in.
I just finished one with Ginger Rogers for Universal, the groom wore spurs.
You see, I'm a Hollywood celebrity.
I just went in to put shorts, gave the girl my hat and coat, and she didn't give me a check.
The only thing was, when I got my hat back and started to put it on,
a little piece of paper fell out and on the check, the girl had written,
Tall ugly man on the Pawnshe size.
You don't need no check here.
Thank you very much.
Have it all.
How do you spell Pawnshe?
Hello, everybody.
Hello.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, but the funniest thing just happened to me on the way over here,
a man stopped me on the street about a block from here, and I felt so sorry for him.
You know, he looked so hungry and emaciated, didn't even have an overcoat on.
What do you think of that?
And he was a stony man shivering.
Honestly, I felt so sorry for him, I gave him all the money I had.
Eighty-three dollars and twenty cents.
How generous, John, but I wouldn't have given him all that.
I wouldn't either, only he had a gun.
Some classy neighborhood.
Yeah, everybody here is stuck up.
Stuck up?
Oh!
Maybe I should have gotten four chicks in a chuck.
And Mr. Melkior, Mr. Wilson.
Hello.
Welcome, gentlemen, to Duffy's Tavern.
Mr. Wilson and Mr. Melkior, a table for three, gentlemen.
Thank you.
I am very hungry, Archie.
Do you have a steak?
We've got a steak.
How would you like it, Mr. Melkior?
Medium, rare, or well done?
One of each.
One of each?
Holy cow.
That and some picnocles, too.
And thinned your potatoes.
You can get all the potatoes you can stomach.
They're chateau potatoes.
Chateau?
They're on the house.
On the house?
Will you stop this for a second, please?
Yes, they're on the house.
They're free.
Or gratin, you know.
What's the matter?
No hablo español?
How about you, Mr. Wilson?
You hungry?
I sure am.
I'll give you anything you've got.
There's a man after my own heart.
There he goes again.
You must have two hearts, three clubs, three nepsons.
I double.
Wait, no pokey.
You can't gamble here.
Can't gamble, he says.
How about that dinner we're going to eat here?
Oh, look, isn't that Mendecahson coming in?
Yes, it's Mendecahson.
Hello, darling.
How are you?
Come in.
Hello, everybody.
Well, there, Miss Mendecahson's here.
Leave us not to festivity festering.
Would you fest this for a little song, Miss Carson?
Hey, you're a kid, are you not?
You're looking at the wrong Carson.
She is Miss Carson.
Oh, excuse me.
How about a song, Miss Carson?
Oh, I'd love to watch it.
My first song is Frank Lesh's new hit tune, If I Were a Bell.
No, no, just a minute.
You're not going to let this little lady sing just like that.
Let's give the place a little class.
I'll introduce her, huh?
Okay, Mr. Carson, go ahead now.
Everybody sit back and relax.
First, I'll serve up a few drinks.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most fabulous tavern in the world, Ducty's Tavern.
The guests for dinner here tonight are seated in the famous cub room, or no, the Dodger Room.
Include Miss Tallulah Bank Ed Davyton from Montgomery, Alabama, who will soon be coming out.
She's not careful with that dress.
Mr. Fred Allen, the eminent nose specialist.
The former fire chief, Mr. Ed Wynn.
And there are the famous operatic team of Lawrence Melgar.
And there at the table for two are Meredith Wilson and his orchestra, Carson.
Wiping his hands in a dirty apron is your fabulous host, Ed Archie Gardner.
Mr. Gardner has just sent over to the gentlemen at each table a magnet of a celery tonic.
And for the ladies, a bottle of Canal Number Five.
Now stepping into the spotlight with one foot daintily posed on the bar rail is Miss Mindy Carson.
Ding dong ding dong ding Ask me how do I feel Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging
Well sir all I can say is if I were a bell I'd be ringing
From the moment we kissed tonight That's the way I've just got of the haze
Boy if I were a lamp I'd light Or if I were a banner I'd wave
Ask me how do I feel Little me with my quiet upbringing
Well sir all I can say is if I were a gate I'd be swinging
And if I were a watch I'd start hopping my spring
Or if I were a bell I'd go ding dong ding dong ding
Yes I knew my morale would crack From the wonderful way that you looked
Boy if I were a duck I'd quack Or if I were a goose I'd be crook
Ask me how do I feel Ask me now that we're fondly caressing
Well if I were a salad I know I'd be splashing my dressing
Or if I were a season I'd surely be spring
Or if I were a bell I'd go ding dong ding dong ding
Oh that was wonderful Mindy, you know you're really solid
Oh you like my voice?
Yeah we're talking about your bilk though
Speaking of solid Mr. Milky you ain't done nothing yet and you've already been on your second helping a pig knuckles
These are my own knuckles
Well how about singing a little song anyway?
I do not sing little songs I sing arias from current opera and I'm sure you don't understand current opera
I listen to Grand Ole Opry on the radio every Saturday night
Very funny joke
We are not speaking of the same current opera I am speaking of the opera of Callicoachy, Schumannheim, Cherazine Farah
What about Minnie Pearl?
You see you don't understand current opera
Oh I do? I understand opera and do you know that Carmen is my favorite opera?
Look I'll tell you what I'd love to do with you if you'll just sing I will explain the opera to the public
Because very rarely do they know what you know
Very well I'll sing Pagliacci
Pagliacci?
Yes, Vecchia la Cuba from Pagliacci
You don't happen to know Carmen do you? That's my favorite
Oh yes I do but I prefer to sing Pagliacci
Well I still think that Carmen has got something
Pagliacci
If you could just bring yourself around my way of thinking
I think Pagliacci
Pagliacci
How much do you weigh?
Please I will sing you just explained the story for the public
Michael Pagliacci
I will sing you just explained the story for the public
Pardon me let me explain it up to there they can't remember too much
Now the opera what he was seeing as the cake rises we see Carmen you see
It is not Carmen it is the story of a broken hearted clown
I know that for heaven's sake I studied opera
He's a broken hearted clown because he's in love with a girl and guess what her name is
You mean?
Exactly
Now as the cake rises we see Carmen walking out of the cigarette factory
We know it's the cigarette factory because there are doctors walking in and out of the building
Now Carmen you know Carmen is not very pretty
She's not pretty in fact the one fault to find with Carmen is
That is with her appearance is that her head sticks out of her dress
Now as the play opens she is wearing a yellow blouse and a checkered skate
And as she walks down the street men whistle at her they think she's a taxi cab
I love this opera Carmen enjoys this little game and she keeps her motor running
Carmen had many admirers and for each one of them she is given a lock of her hair
Isn't that beautiful?
So Carmen or as she is now called by her friends Baldy
Has to leave her left to give to the clown and he is broken hearted
Would you continue please?
Et por ecco po, partati
Wait I'll explain it wait just a minute
We now see Carmen who is dressed in cigarette factory and she's taking a job in a cigar factory
You can tell that she is switched to cigars because she has on a Havana wrapper
A strange man appears in the opera it is Don Jose
He says to her how about a drink?
She indignantly she says wine?
He says no, whiskey
Carmen loves fun so she falls in love with him
Don Jose kisses her but she forgets to take the cigar out of her mouth
What an exciting scene that is
My goodness me Don Jose proposes to her this is the thing
Nine different times he asks her to marry him and still he keeps on asking her
He will not take yes for an answer
At this moment Carmen's father enters
He says I'm going to the river to fish for some mussels
So we see the mussel bound old man
He is walking toward the river
Don Jose stops Carmen's father and asks for his daughter's hand
Now if you will continue
That is her father's answer
By now Don Jose and Carmen's father hate each other
And the audience is in a pretty nasty mood too
But Don Jose retains to Carmen and he says to her in a beautiful scene
He says let's get romantic and they do
They take a walk down the old ox road and he is filled with pride
Because she's the biggest ox on the road
And if you will
Well if you're not going to take this thing seriously I won't
I'll explain it
You can tell that Don Jose is really broken hearted
He is so broken hearted he knows he will never be able to wake again
Having only a little money he starts economizing
When he walks he takes long steps just to save his six dollar shoes
But his steps are so long he splits his eight dollar pants
I just told you about the pants of La Juba a little later I'll tell you about the best of La Juba
If you will continue
La Juba, La Juba
Ah, ridi, paiazza,
col tuo amare in tempo,
ridi del cuore,
e tale l'enna il cuore.
It's so nice of you to applaud me like that.
Now the part that he just sang, to me, is the most interesting part of the whole opera.
It is the day of the bull fight. I will explain it.
The real hero of the play, Escamillo by name, is pacing the floor in his dressing room.
His tariador's costume is not backed from the cleaners.
The spectators are yelling for Escamillo, so he rushes into the arena in his underwear and the bull sees red.
Escamillo sees Carmen sitting in a box with her father, and he pains to bow to Carmen.
The bull charges, absorbed in the back of Escamillo's underwear, and the bull stops suddenly.
He has seen the trap.
In the next scene, Escamillo calls on Carmen at her home,
and at three thirty in the morning he proposes marriage to Carmen, and at four a.m. they decide to elope.
And just as Escamillo and Carmen are seeking out the kitchen door into the yard,
Dawn is creeping over the fence.
Dawn is Carmen's mother.
She gets around a little too.
And now comes the big dramatic moment of the opera,
when the couple are standing before the justice of the peace getting married.
The judge says, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Escamillo says, I do.
The judge says, that's funny, I take her to be your mother.
They get married.
But it's a modern, you know, it's a modern marriage.
It's a failure.
They separate and they decide to divide the house equally.
She gets the inside and he gets the outside.
Poor Escamillo starts drinking and he loses all his money, he loses all his friends.
But one day he finds something in an old suit.
It is himself.
He starts calling on Carmen again.
But she wants no pardon and she runs away to South America.
Who is in South America?
She reads in a newspaper, a waltz of windshield columns, that she's just become a mother in New York.
This confuses her.
So she rushes back to New York, she's anxious to see her child.
She finds him, she finds him.
He's making a fortune.
He's a television repairman.
Well that's the story of what that man who was just here was singing about.
But some night if he can get this same guy to sing Carmen,
I'd love to tell you the story of Pagliacci.
And when my darling, I love you as always and Lord, I love you always.
Wait a minute Miss Bankhead, how about you entertain us a little, huh?
Oh no, I couldn't possibly. I am in the legitimate stuff.
In that case, how about doing something illegitimate?
Well, I could sing.
Not that illegitimate.
Well this place is hardly conducive to a dramatic performance.
Well I can do sit up here.
Come on, you know that's what wonderful thing is about television.
You come to a line like that, I can do sit up with you, you know.
You don't read the line, you just drop your pants.
Come on.
Step into the stoplight and strut your stuff, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, is that my line? I would have known it brother.
Oh, you're a living actor, huh?
Uh huh.
Oh, glad you asked me. Is that your line?
I can't perform alone if I do a scene from the play.
You can't perform alone?
No, dear.
Well I'm glad you asked me. How would you like to co-star with one of the greatest living actors?
And not you darling.
Uh huh.
You a living actor.
Yeah, greatest in sunny stuff.
Yes sir, actors blood curses through me veins.
Yeah, I can hear it from here darling.
The smell of the grease ball is in me nostrils.
Yeah, how about it, sir? Well how about you and me doing a little play?
We'll co-star together, huh?
No, I don't think so, Archie darling.
Yours is such a great talent that it can stand alone.
Definitely alone.
You don't need me.
No, huh?
No.
Maybe not.
You must go on alone to great heights, can't you see it?
Archie is here. Archie has made best.
Archie is hammering.
Archie is Judas Caesar.
Archie is tobacco rose.
Yes, you will go on and on and on.
And all I ask is, some day when you're fighting about the stage, you will look up towards the balcony and there in the very last row will be a little old lady.
And I will be saying to the people around me, that's Archie.
I knew him when.
Archie.
I knew him when.
You think you ought to be talking while I'm acting?
I'm sorry darling, you're so right.
Well, I went to play. Who was it that once said that the play is the thing?
Well, I couldn't tell me if I had a scene from a drawing room drama, but I would need the assistance of a finished actor.
Well, there's nobody more finished than I am. They got finished with me in this script about 20 pages back.
Yeah, me too.
Is your name still Jack Carson?
It's been so long since anybody mentioned my name in this program, I don't remember.
Well, don't look at me. I should have brought my sister with me. I'm just the side man. That's all I am.
Well, the star of this program hasn't taken so much time with that telephone call.
Sure this program isn't a big telephone hour?
I'll take it darling, that must be Claude now. He followed me here, I knew he would.
Hello? Oh hello Claude darling. I recognize your voice.
Duffy? Who's Duffy?
Oh that must be for me. Hello Duffy. Well I'm doing great here. What do you mean?
Give Ron a cuffs. I clipped one of them for $83.20 before he even got here.
Next Sunday darling, from New York, we'll have Fred Allen, Margaret Truman, Danny Thomas, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Martha Ray, the sons of the pioneers, Mindy Carson, Meredith Wilson and his orchestra and others.
And now Fred, Jack, Mindy, Archie, Aaron, Lawrence, will you join me in hoping that until next Sunday...
May the good Lord bless and keep you, whether near or far away, Mindy.
May you find that long-awaited golden day today.
Archie?
May your troubles all be small ones, and your fortunes ten times ten.
Fred?
May the good Lord bless and keep you, till we meet again.
Jack?
May they walk with sunlight shining, and a bluebird in every tree, and may there be a silver lining back of every cloud you see.
Lawrence?
Till your dreams will be tomorrow, never mind my flight have been.
May the good Lord bless and keep you, until we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you, till we meet, till we meet again.
Goodnight, darling.