The next hour and 30 minutes this program will present in person such bright stars as
Louis Armstrong
Bob Holt
Deborah Carr
Frankie Lane Gary Lewis
Dean Martin
Dolly McGuire, Jimmy Wallington, Meredith Wilson and my name darlings is Tallulah Banks
The national broadcasting company presents The Big Show
The Big Show 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world
brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All Star
Festival and here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead
Well darlings here we are with The Big Show this week in Los Angeles, Los Angeles the city of the
angels or is it Los Anglers the city of the angles? Well to be safe I'll call it LA lousy with ashes
How did a whip get in there? And what a plane trip from New York darlings we worried all the way
when we left New York we were worried about the weather because all we could see was rain
when we got to Chicago we worried because all we could see was snow but when we got to lovely
California we stopped worrying because we couldn't see the weather at all
smog you know. Of course you know what smog is don't you? Well Bob Hope
Thank you. Smog smog is nature's protection against the glare of Crosby's shirts
or smog is the stuff they invented to protect the oranges from the smudge pots or
just a moment darling. La Brea carpets, Madman Muntz, Mulholland Drive, Wilshire Bus and
Hollywood and Vine. What's all that darling? I just wanted to get all your local jokes out of the way
so we couldn't clutter up the rest of The Big Show. Well you left out Anaheim Azuz and Cucamonga
We don't mention them on this network. Oh I see.
You mean on account of JB? That's exactly what I mean darling. What have you got against Joan Blondell?
I am not referring to Joan Blondell it just happens to be a name I'd rather not mention on
the show. Now Bob what have you been doing lately? JB a name you can't mention in the show. Oh I know
isn't that stupid on me of course. Jenny Bavis. No.
Oh Jack Boor of course. Look, I'll tell you why I came over here besides grabbing a little loot. I
want you to do a guest shot on my radio show. Oh darling do you have a radio show of your own?
Who's the mistress of ceremonies on your show?
Nobody who's the mistress of ceremonies on your show?
Don't tell me you haven't heard my show back east every Tuesday at nine o'clock.
I never get up that early darling. No honey you're thinking of just playing
Bing. I'm on Tuesday night from nine to nine thirty. Oh only half an hour.
Oh Bob I'm terribly sorry darling what do you do with the other hour?
We'll wait for the laughs to come in. Look let me set you straight in this radio racket all comedy
shows are a half hour. I beg your pardon my show's an hour and a half. I beg your pardon only scenes
that long. How about it Sir Lou will you come out with me next Tuesday night we rehearse the
script Monday morning and we rehearse with the orchestra Monday night and we have a complete
dress rehearsal Tuesday afternoon we go on the air with the show Tuesday night. Oh that fits in
perfectly with my plans. I'll be there at rehearsals Monday morning and with the orchestra Monday night
and at the dress rehearsal Tuesday afternoon I just won't be able to make the show Tuesday night darling.
Will will that be all right Bob? Oh that sounds reasonable of course if you can't be on the show
I'll only pay you half the salary. Oh I don't think that's fair after all I am coming to three
rehearsals and just because I missed one show which only takes a half an hour. Skip it kid skip it.
For the money I'm paying you I can get Jenny Babers not to come on the show.
But darling it's not my fault you would have to pick a Tuesday this week I'm
doing Monday and Wednesday how did you happen to pick Tuesday right in the middle? Oh just lucky
I guess look uh look Alabama let's level here are you coming on the show Tuesday or not? But Bob if
I'm going on your show what do you want me to do on it? Well you'll do what all my guests do.
But I never had four sons.
Well what can you do?
Wait a minute no that's not supposed to tie in you.
I promised you I wouldn't read it that way I didn't do it honest.
Tell yourself. Well what can you do? I can't.
Sing it's just as funny the second time.
Let's go let's go Chaloo they're giving us a finger go ahead watch that.
I need to wind up you know all the things. But of course I'll have to bring my own accompanist.
What what'd you say? I said of course I'll have to bring my own accompanist. I haven't got that where is that?
Okay who is he? Well he just happens to be Meredith Wilson and his 47 piece orchestra
and chorus. I can't sing unless they accompany me. Oh you have a special orchestra that plays flat?
They do not. Now you listen to Meredith Wilson and his big show orchestra and chorus in a
brilliant rhythmic arrangement of Orange Colored Sky.
Came by
Orange Colored Sky.
One look and I yelled timber watch out for blind glass
Then the sea coming up the pond somehow I went into a spin and I turned and I shot I've been hit this is it this is it
I was walking along minding my business when love came and hit me in the eye
I'm out of an orange colored sky
I've been hit this is it this is it I see it I was walking down the street the birds were singing kind of sweet I didn't have a single care my heart was freer than the air and then a flash bam alakazam out of an orange colored purple sky pretty green folk is out of sky
flash bam alakazam and good bye
Well, Bob, that's the accompaniment I want to use when I sing on your program. You see, Meredith keeps me on key.
Baby, your voice should be kept under lock and key.
What's the matter, Miss Bankhead? Didn't you like my number?
What's your problem, Meredith Wilson?
I only said, uh, didn't you like my orchestra number, Miss Bankhead?
Of course, darling. Now look here, Bob, if you're implying that my voice is bad.
Now, wait a minute, I'm no music critic. Don't start sending me any letters.
Personally, I'd rather write than be president.
Well, Miss Bankhead. Wait, this is creeping up. Wait a minute.
Now, I want to say to Miss Bankhead, when I finished my number, you usually say that was delightful, Meredith, or charming.
That was delightful, Meredith, or charming.
Bob, if you want me on your show, I'm going to sing, and the song will be,
Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Herald Square, tell all the gang on 42nd Street that I will soon be there.
Hey, Rivet voice, you're tearing up 42nd Street.
I could have played Give my regards to Broadway if you'd asked me to, Miss Bankhead. I have it in all the keys you sing it in.
That's A, B, C, D, E, F, and G. When she just sang it, it sounded more like H.
Don't pay any attention to him, darling.
How can I? I haven't even met him.
Oh, I beg your pardon, Meredith, darling. This is Bob Hope. Bob, this is Meredith Wilson, darling.
Glad to know you, darling.
Gee, Mr. Hope. Mr. Hope, this is really a happy moment.
For whom?
I've always been one of your greatest admirers, Mr. Hope. I used to see all your pictures back in Mason City.
I was born there, you know. That's my hometown, Mason City, Iowa.
Meredith, you are not going to tell one of those repugnant stories about that time. That obscure little hamlet of yours, are you?
Oh, glad you asked me. Well, sir, Miss Bankhead, I used to see every one of Mr. Hope's pictures back in Mason City, Iowa.
Well, I remember going to the movie one night and I had to take standing room.
I know, boy. My pictures sell out all over.
No, it wasn't that. I had a sacrilege. I had to stand up.
Dr. Frisbee, he's the drugist there.
You think he can help that?
I went there to the drugist, but he's closed up, so I went to the bicycle shop and they taped me up with that black tape they put on bicycle handles.
Well, they tape up seats with that stuff, too.
Yeah, that's what they did.
Well, sir, I stood up all through that picture laughing and scratching.
Look, itchy. How much more is there to this nauseating little thing?
Well, that's about all there is, except that when they took that tape off, wow, I've still got the scars.
Would you like to see them, Mr. Hope?
No, no. I'll wait till they come to my neighborhood movie.
Meredith, if you're quite finished with that black tape...
Hey, look at the size of that orchestra. Hi, fellas.
Hey, look, it's still here.
Yeah.
Applause
Hey, go right on, fellas. Don't let me stop the show. I'm just cutting across from my studio.
Hey, what a musical aggravation.
Every musician I ever fired is in that orchestra.
That's a bad violin section. Who's got the Rosin concession there?
Mr. Harris, I don't know how you managed to stagger into this studio,
but if you don't crawl out before I count to one,
which I understand is as high as you can count,
I will have you forcibly ejected.
Ejected? Well, push, pull, and click, click.
Hey, Bob. Hey, Robert. What are you doing on this program?
Mostly straight lines.
Hey, Bob. Hey, Robert. Who's the base tomato?
At least tomato's going to be a surprise. It's a Tallulah bankhead.
That's Tallulah bankhead?
Yeah, that's what you like about the South.
Well, corn might poon if it ain't a Launceman.
And what carpet bag did you creep out of, Mr. Harris?
Baby, don't fight me. I'm filthy.
I don't care what state your clothes are in.
That thing you're wearing could stand to retread, too, girl.
Well, the war between two states.
You know how cleverly they set this thing up so that every time I'm about to sit down,
I have a line to speak?
I have understood you, yes, I do.
Luckily, my bicycle seat is taped and I can't sit down anyway.
Hey, Meredith. I didn't see you.
Hi, Phil.
Well, old Meredith, you still playing that long hair stuff?
Yep. You still playing that curly hair stuff?
Sharp as a marble.
By the way, Meredith, we were talking about you at the Musician's Union the other night
and some of the boys think that you're kind of eccentric.
They heard through the Hollywood and Grapevine that you read music.
Now, I'm a committee of one to find out, are you now or have you ever been a reader of music?
Well, yeah, I read music. Don't you?
Well, once in a while when I'm sitting under the dryer.
But it's the same old story, Meredith. Do la so fa mi re, no action.
That kind of stuff went out with the three B's, Bach, Beethoven, and Benny.
How dare you, Mr. Harris.
What do you got against Benny Goodman? He's the king.
I might even say he's the thing.
He's the what?
Hey, don't tell me you ain't heard of the thing.
No, this girl don't know about the thing.
They know what it is. Well, I got to go, kids.
Hey, Robert, how about you and the missus and me and Alice stepping out tonight after the show?
Oh, sure, Phil. By the way, how is Alice?
Just left her a couple of minutes ago. She was in the pink.
Well, have her slip into some clothes and we'll go out.
Oh, Robert, gee, I wish I'd have said that. I could use that on my show today.
You will.
Garb, Garb, what was that thing?
It's not that thing. It's the thing. It's a piece of music that can only be written by a guy who can't read music.
Meredith, have you heard of this thing, the thing?
Oh, sure. It's one of those tunes that don't make any sense.
You have to have them every once in a while. Like, I remember back in Mason City, Iowa...
Oh, dear. Meredith, we're not going on tour. It was that one night stand again.
Well, I was just talking about things like the thing, like we used to have. You remember yesterday, we had no bananas?
That was before my time, darling.
Your time was before bananas.
I know everybody used to sing that song. I knew it so well that I could sing it backwards.
That should be very interesting.
Oh, it is. It goes, today bananas, no have we, bananas, no have we, yes.
And that's the thing.
Oh, no, the thing came later. First we had this.
We had no bananas, we had no bananas today.
We swinged beans and onions, we brought you some chadons and all kinds of fruit. And today we have an old fashion tomorrow, Long Island for Donald.
We had no bananas, we had no bananas today.
And then we had another one. This was really the thing, called Three Little Fishes.
Down in the meadow in the inky-peety-doo, we were the pissy-quim, mama-fissy-doo.
We went to mama-fissy-quim, pissy-quim, and he cramped and he cramped all over the dam.
Oh, boo-boo did him down in one, boo-boo did him down in one, boo-boo did him down in one, and he cramped and he cramped all over the dam.
And then came the hot-set salt-pot.
Hot-set, hot-set ralt. Hot-set ralt. Hot-set ralt's another ill rot and a brawler's brawler's sue. Hot-set ralt's another ill rot and a brawler's sue.
Hot-set ralt's another ill rot and a brawler's sue. Hot-set ralt's another ill rot and a brawler's sue.
But what about the frame?
We got that too. Here, be my guest, Miss Bankhead. Here's a copy of the music. Just read that lyric.
While I was walking down the beach one bright and sunny day, I saw a great big wooden box, all floating in the bay.
I pulled it in and opened it up, and much to my surprise, I discovered it right before my eyes.
Oh, I discovered it right before my eyes.
I turned around and got right out to running for my life, and then I took it home with me to give it to my wife.
Now this is what she honored at me as I walked in the door. Oh, get out of here with that, and don't come back no more.
Oh, get out of here with that, and don't come back no more.
The moral of the story is that you're out on the beach, and you should see a great big box of nips within your reach.
Don't ever stop to open it up. That's my advice to you, because you'll never get rid of the nips. No matter what you do, oh, you'll never get rid of the nips.
No matter what you do.
All right, now does that answer your question, Miss Bankhead? Well, darling, I can't say very much for the melody, but I must admit the lyric was quite dull.
You know what I like, Meredith? That hot horn in your band. He plays a lot of trumpet. Why, that's Louis Armstrong.
Louis, Louis, darling, what are you doing in the office? Come over here. Hello, Tallulah. Louis, how are you? Oh, I want you to meet Bob Hope.
Oh, I know this cat, man. He's gone.
You said it, Louis. I've been gone for about eight pages now. Tell me, L.A., you playing that trumpet around L.A.?
No, B.H., I've been up in Las-Lily-V.
Oh, Las Vegas, huh? Yeah, man. Well, how'd you make up that L.V., L.A.?
Okay. Where'd you up there, B.H.? How'd you make out? P.U.
What happened, B.H.? Ah, the roulette wheel. I went for a G. You see L.A.? Oh, yeah.
Are you gentlemen making your initial appearance on radio?
Louis, I was hoping you'd mention that article I wrote about you for Flair magazine. You see it?
Oh, I did, Tallulah. I thought it was very err...
L.A. went over that word a hundred times. I told you it was erudite.
Yeah, oh, I think that's the word. Thanks, Louis, sweet of you to say that, Bob.
Did you read the article I wrote on Louis Armstrong? Yes, and I thought it was err... err... err... errwick.
That's the way it is.
You're just joking, I know.
Oh, Louis, you are my favorite musician.
Thank you, Tallulah.
And Bob, you're my favorite comedian.
Thanks, Tallulah.
Well...
Hasn't one of you gallant gentlemen anything to add?
Oh sure, may I return the compliment, Tallulah,
and say that Louis is my favorite musician.
Thanks, Bob, and you're my favorite comedian.
Boys, shall we go around once more?
Oh sure, Tallulah, I'm your favorite comedian.
And I'm your favorite musician.
This is fun, let's play it again.
This time for money.
If anybody's gonna play anything,
Louis is going to play his fabulous song.
How about it, Louis?
That's what I came here for.
Ladies and gentlemen, a real treat.
Louis Armstrong with Mary Elizabeth's orchestra
in Phil Moore's brilliant arrangement
of a song I know you all want to hear,
Ain't Misbehavin'.
["Ain't Misbehavin'"]
No wonder, Tallulah.
All by myself.
No wonder why I'm happy on the shelf.
Misbehavin', saved my life.
Oh baby, baby, baby.
Baby, baby.
No more Satan, the one in love.
Too dirty, even a beginner.
Misbehavin', oh baby.
I'm just a baby, baby.
Like Jack Hunter in the corner.
Don't go nowhere and I don't care.
All your kids went really far.
Believe me, I don't stay out late.
Don't get a go on my body.
On my body, me and Mary Elizabeth.
["Ain't Misbehavin'"]
That was a great as ever fact note.
Louis, you know what my ambition is?
I want somebody to make a recording with you.
Someday.
Well, Ron.
Pardon, darling.
Press on, darling.
Well, uh.
I want someday to make a recording with you, Louis.
Well, whatever you got against me, too, Louis.
Nah, just a minute, Armstrong.
I sing, you know.
Oh yeah, I heard about you singin'.
Oh, you heard about it really well.
I was standin' on Broadway and a man came up and gave me your regard.
Must have been one of those Herald Squares.
Look, too low.
If you want to come on my program and sing, this might be a good time to show what you can do.
Louis, how about it?
Should you improvise a little something for Tousseltop?
Anything you like.
Okay, baby, let's hear somethin'.
If you're gonna audition, let's do it now.
I don't want you to louse up my show.
Me audition?
Me Cleveland Indian.
Good day, darling, I'm not prepared.
Oh, you didn't bring your voice with you, huh?
So much to better.
Come on, I'll help you out.
Oh, no, Bob, no, no.
Oh, come on, let's make her sing.
How about it, folks?
Well, if nobody wants to listen to her, I...
Now, just a censored, censored minute, Hope.
If they want to hear me sing, I'll sing.
And we'll leave it to the audience whether I sing on your show or not.
Okay, anyone else?
Last chance, sedatives, sleeping pills, revolvers.
Yes, ma'am, we have earplugs.
No, madam, only two to a customer.
What do you mean you need three?
Louis, you'll need a couple of those earplugs.
I'll never need a couple of those earplugs on me today.
Well, I'm certainly not going to listen to this by myself.
Give me a couple, too.
Okay, Louis, let's hear it.
I'll start you off, too, Lou.
This is a lot of fun, darlings, but I have to ring my chimes.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting station.
I'm Ellen Carly, babe.
We're off the air, yes.
The big show.
This is the national broadcasting company Sunday Extravaganza
with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
The big show.
The Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival
is brought to you by your local Ford dealer,
who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford,
the car that's built for the years ahead,
by RCA Victor, world leader in radio,
first in recorded music, first in television,
by Chesterfield, the only cigarette that combines mildness
with no unpleasant aftertaste,
the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope,
and by the makers of Anison,
the fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and uralgia.
The big stars on this program are Louis Armstrong, Bob Hope,
Deborah Carr, Frankie Lane, Jerry Lewis, Dean Martin,
Dorothy McGuire, Meredith Wilson, and his big show orchestra and chorus,
and every week your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead.
Yes, darlings, this is Tallulah broadcasting from Hollywood, Bankhead,
telling you that if you don't listen to the big show, you're a big smoe.
Or if you're in a stew and you don't know what to do, listen to Tallulah,
and you'll never be blue.
So new!
Wow! Tallulah Bankhead, girl-burl.
Well, Bob Hope.
Thank you, Tallulah.
I'm happy to be here with you on your second Hollywood version of the big show.
Oh, it's nice having you, darling.
Nice to catch you on the ground for a change.
Yes. I have been traveling a lot lately, but I've got to stop it.
I have so many labels on my trunks, the laundry won't take them anymore.
And Bob, darling, I know the sacrifice you're making giving up the Los Angeles Rams-Chicago Bears
championship game at the Coliseum.
You're not kidding, but that's all right. I've got to keep working.
After all, I'm a comedian. I have a government to support.
But it's nice being here with you, Tallulah, during the Yuletide season.
Of course, whenever I think of Christmas, I think of my old folks back home.
Take it, Iowa.
You know, the Christmas season brings out the sentiment in the body.
Yes, sir. I'm the kind of guy who does a lot of traveling, but I'm like anybody else.
No matter where you go, you never get very far away from that old hometown.
I was reared in Cleveland. I can remember way back to the time I was a baby.
I was born in a poor family. My mother couldn't even afford talcum powder.
She used to turn my little body over and sprinkle it with Dutch cleanser.
When I was 10 months old, I didn't know whether I was a boy or a kitchen sink.
That's why at Christmas time, I like to go back to Cleveland to see my folks.
And they're always happy to see me.
Of course, they're just as happy getting it by mail, but I always feel...
I always feel sentimental about my hometown.
With all the friendly faces, the familiar buildings, Main Street, Elm Street lying parallel to it,
and my Uncle Louie lying parallel to both.
People said he was a drunkard, but he wasn't.
He only drank a little bit to steady himself.
Sometimes he got so steady he couldn't move.
My family were very poor. We lived in a little shack, just two rooms and a path.
But even though...
...
You didn't hear it, huh?
But even though...
But even though we were poverty-stricken, I was even sophisticated as a baby.
I was so high class I wouldn't suck my thumb until they put it in a cigarette holder.
But my mother was one of those dear hearts and gentle people.
She tried to raise us right even though we were broke.
She couldn't buy us underwear, but she did the best she could.
She lined us all up and painted buttons on our stomachs.
She couldn't even afford to buy me a haircut.
My hair was so long, until I was 19 years old, I thought I was a Saint Bernard.
I found out I wasn't, just in time.
I was going steady with an air dail.
But what a picture comes to mind when I think of the old hometown.
Old pappy walker sitting in front of the general store carving his sailboat in a bottle.
I wonder if he ever got out of the bottle when the sailboat was finished.
And then there was Miss Draynifor, my old teacher.
I can still see her sitting in the classroom, an old lady just knitting.
She was knitting an old man.
On a vacation, Miss Draynifor used to go to the big city and burn the candle at both ends.
For weeks after, she couldn't put on a hat or sit down.
And when I think of the Yuletide season, I always think of my parents.
My father was a great man and a big practical joker, too.
So was my mother.
They finally played a trick on each other.
Me.
You know, I started the first quiz show in Cleveland.
When I was born, my father took one look at me and asked the doctor, what is it?
The doctor answered, well, I missed that one.
Can I stand by for the jackpot?
Father was betting on a boy and mother was betting on a girl.
But Dr. won. He had me across the board.
But we were a proud family, people of the soil.
We'd been farmers for generations, and everything we did was connected with the soil.
In fact, we were the dirtiest family in the state.
But it was a happy family.
My father worshipped my mother. He got her everything.
He wasn't wealthy. He was a shoplifter.
When he walked out of a department store, the whole left side of the building sagged.
Like all families, we were hit by the Depression.
My father was hurt in the crash at 29.
The runway at Minsky's collapsed on his head.
Well, before I knew it was time for me to go to school,
I was enrolled in a finishing school for backward children.
And I did very well.
I started in the eighth grade and in no time at all I was back in kindergarten.
It was in the third grade that I first fell in love.
I know it sounds kind of silly to be in love with a third grade,
but don't forget I was 38 years old.
And I'll never forget the first time I kissed my little girlfriend.
She was wearing braces and I was wearing braces.
And when we kissed, our braces locked.
After that, we went everywhere together.
Then came graduation time. With all the kids in their caps and gowns,
I caused quite a sensation. My gown was strapling.
I did very well in sports at school.
I had a typical athlete's physique. Big chest, hard stomach.
But that's all behind me now.
But I used to play football when I was in school. It was part of the cure.
And all of the fans around Cleveland knew my name.
It was painted on my bucket.
I had a very peculiar nickname. They called me Neckline Hope.
I was always plunging down the middle, but never really showed anything.
My first year I was disqualified from playing football for a scholastic reason.
Stupidity.
I thought the big nine were my toes.
It was right about then that I met her. Yes, her.
I never did find out what her name was.
She was a vision of loveliness.
She had long blonde hair and luscious red lips which she wore in a bun on the top of her head.
But the best part about her was that she was tattooed.
That made it nice for me because I couldn't afford a television set.
We almost broke up. I'd seen the picture before.
We were very much in love.
She called me Baby and I called her my little pussycat.
I called her pussycat because I thought she'd take the hint and shave off her whiskers.
Finally came the day of our wedding.
She was a sentimental girl so she got married in her grandmother's dress.
She looked lovely but her poor grandmother almost froze to death.
It was a lovely ceremony except for the kiss.
Her nose created a suction and we had to be separated with a razor blade.
Yes, we were married.
And tomorrow marks our 25th anniversary.
It'll be 25 years since we've talked to each other.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new 1951 Ford,
the car that progressive planning designed, engineered, and made come true,
is at your Ford dealers now.
And everything about it tells you that here is a quality car,
a fine car that's built for the years ahead.
When you examine the 1951 Ford, for example,
take a good long look at its luxury lounge interior.
You will find styling, fine coachwork,
and color harmonized Ford craft fabrics that are years ahead in beauty.
When you drive the new Ford, notice how the automatic ride control
literally adjusts the ride to the road and makes the roughest bumps easy on you,
easy on the car itself.
And there's more, much, much more.
In all there are 43 new look-ahead features,
each designed to give you added value for the long years to come.
Yes, indeed. When you see the 1951 Ford,
when you drive it, you'll agree it's the finest Ford ever produced.
And now, darlings, the two young Paramount stars who have taken the country by storm.
The only comedy act in show business that can possibly follow Bob Hope,
is the one that's been on the show for a long time.
You gotta do it.
Okay, thank you very much.
That's very sweet of you, it's a little of bonkers.
We're very happy.
Very happy to be here.
You've been on for over a half hour already.
Wash up, get your money, and get out of here.
Read your Social Security number.
We'll take over now.
Here we are on the big show.
You know this is the day that I would love it.
Hey, Jerry, crazy?
What's wrong with you?
You gotta conduct yourself like a gentleman on the big show.
Now, don't ask me up here like you do everywhere else.
Aren't you happy to be on the big show?
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. I don't like her.
You don't like Miss Bankhead?
Young man, means she's gonna hit me.
Aw, come on, Jerry. Now, come on, let's settle down.
All righty, Dean. We'll have a...
All righty, Dean.
No, because you said, let's settle down.
We'll have a cottage smore by a water floor with roses
ramling round the door and the patter of little feet across the floor.
Yeah, mice.
No, but Dean, I don't like it here.
Come on, let's go back to the marble tournament. I'll treat. I got two aggies.
Now, Jerry, you don't understand.
Miss Bankhead was complimenting us by saying
we were the only act who could follow Bob Hope.
Why, she compliments everyone else she insults. I told you she didn't like us.
Aw, but Jerry, darling.
I did not come here not to be insulted.
Well, dear, if you won't listen to reason,
I'm going to call on your partner, Dean Martin, to sing.
Well, I'd be glad to, Miss Bankhead.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dean Martin will sing.
Dean, she's gonna introduce you for all of his years, for all.
My tongue got in the way of my eye tooth. I couldn't see what I was saying.
Yeah.
Dean, she's gonna introduce you for all these years we have been partners,
and now you are going to let her introduce you. What are you doing to me?
Miss Bankhead, would you mind if Mr. Lewis introduced me awfully?
As I'm sure only he can.
All right, Mr. Lewis, we'll introduce the song. What are you gonna sing, Dean?
La vie en rose.
You may introduce him, Jerry.
Thank you, Mr. Martin. I want to introduce La vie en rose.
La vie en rose is my partner, Mr. Martin.
This is a very beautiful La vie en rose arranged and conducted,
I should say conducted by Meredith Wilson.
This is arranged by our own wonderful conductor, Mr. Dix De Beal.
Dean Martin sings La vie en rose, and this is swell.
Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you get
The drizzle of love again
When you kiss me, heaven sighs
And the light of night
I speak of your words
When you press me to your heart
I know where the heart, oh where the world is moving
And when you speak, angels sing from above
And the day words seem to turn into lost sounds
You are hiding so deeply
In life where we'll always be
La vie en rose
And when you speak, angels sing from above
And the day words seem to turn into lost sounds
You are hiding so deeply
In life where we'll always be
La vie en rose
That would be mine darling, your darling darling.
Darling darling darling, Dean come here.
Is she for real?
Don't think she makes a living.
Ah Jerry, don't tell me you've never heard of Tallulah Bankhead.
Jerry, I'm speaking to you.
Why don't you answer me?
You told me not to tell you I never heard of Tallulah Bankhead.
I made a boo boo.
Look Jerry, you made a double boo boo.
Tallulah Bankhead is a great stage actor.
Surely you saw her in Private Life.
I don't butt into other people's business.
No Jerry, it was a stage show.
Didn't you see it?
I don't remember.
Why was the picture playing with it?
There was no picture playing with it.
Just a stage show.
She's been in a lot of stage shows.
She played in Rain.
That's how she got so hoarse?
Ah come on now Jerry.
Haven't you heard of Tallulah Bankhead and the little foxes?
Oh she's an animal trainer.
No, no. Tallulah Bankhead in Skin of Our Teeth.
Skin of Our Teeth?
Oh come now Basil.
This has gone far enough.
Far enough to hear.
Do you hear me? Do you hear me?
I said far enough to hear.
Dean, are you listening?
Jerry, you don't seem to get the idea.
Now I remember taking you to a play once.
I even remember you stopped into the lobby and you got yourself a glass of orangeade.
Oh yeah.
I remember the orangeade and the girl with the flashlight told us we could sit down on the seats and be comfortable while we were drinking the orangeade.
A fellow came out and sang something about an enchanted evening and a girl washed her hair and a bunch of sales were running after some things and a girl was saying,
Happy talky talky happy talk.
What you have to go through just to drink a lousy glass of orangeade.
Yeah, that's the place Jerry.
I went back there you know.
There was such a crowd waiting I couldn't get in.
I guess everybody found out they have the best orangeade in town.
Now you got it that's it.
Tallulah Bankhead in the theater.
Oh now I know.
She's the one who makes the orangeade.
From this she makes a living.
Ah Jerry, stop being so stupid.
So how will you make a living?
Now this is tougher than I thought it was going to be.
Please be patient with me Dean.
I've got a terrible headache.
Where do you keep it?
Ha ha ha ha that's very funny.
You see I said I got a terrible headache and he says where do you keep it?
He's making out like I haven't got a head.
Joke over.
You don't have to explain my joke.
So Dean what are friends for?
Alright come on let's get back to the theater.
I'm not thirsty.
Well Buzz, Buzz how's it going?
Dean she's back again don't let her hit me.
Why don't you stop she won't hurt you.
Could I feed her?
She's very friendly.
Could I scratch her behind the ear?
Dean tell me is he for real?
I often wonder.
I want to apologize Miss Bankhead.
I shouldn't have been so fresh.
Dean told me all about your sickness.
Does it hurt much?
Does what hurt much?
The skin of your teeth.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Why you little half-cised half idiot half imbecile.
Dean she did it.
She likes us we're in.
She insulted us.
She didn't insult me.
Dean don't worry she said half.
We're partners you get half of everything I get.
Say Bob, Bob Hope.
What's all this I hear about giving Crosby for Christmas?
Well Bing's Papa Santa Claus this year you know
and a Chesterfield Christmas carton.
Bob it's a very nice gift.
I've already bought several.
But tell me why aren't you on the Christmas carton too?
Well I was supposed to be Jimmy but old sag has gotten so fleshy
there just wasn't room.
Seriously folks Chesterfield Christmas cartons are the best thing you could give or get
because Chesterfield is the milder cigarette.
And you can prove that yourself.
Just make the Chesterfield mildness test by Chesterfield.
Open them and enjoy that milder mellow aroma.
Now light one up and you'll know Chesterfield's milder because it smokes milder.
Another thing you'll notice Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste.
That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel.
So for all the smokers on your list give Crosby for Christmas.
Give Christmas carton to Chesterfield.
The only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste.
Music
Tallulah.
Yes Dean what is it darling?
My partner Jerry and I were thinking.
Oh that's very funny.
Let's get on with the rest of the show.
Wait a minute Mrs. He didn't tell you yet.
So what are you laughing for?
Dean Martin has something to tell you and he is my friend and I would gladly die for him.
Would I not Dean Martin die for you?
Sure he would go ahead Jerry sure drop dead.
I can't die today I don't feel so good.
Darling stop being morbid.
What were you going to say Dean?
I speak.
We would like to meet Mr. Bob Hope in person and make a deal with him.
Do you think he'll sell us some jokes or maybe trade us some jokes?
Well why don't you talk to Bob about it.
Oh come on Bob darling yes the boys want to do some business with you.
You know Mr. Martin?
Oh sure hi Tony.
And Mr. Lewis.
Hi Joe.
Hi Mort.
Time out conference.
Dean you think he really doesn't know us or is he making a joke?
Making a joke.
Darling.
Mr. Hope we'd like to consummate a little deal with you.
Would you sell us some jokes or maybe you'd be interested in trading a few jokes?
Oh I don't get you.
Well I'll give you for instance I'll give you a brand new joke I made up today out of a magazine.
For one of your old jokes.
Well what's the joke?
A joke.
You say to somebody I went to see Albert Einstein and somebody says how did you find him?
And you say I pushed back his hair and there he was.
Now you give me one of your old jokes.
No deal.
Now wait a minute Mr. Hope don't pass that joke up.
You know there are two other jokes you can make out of it.
Now like how did you find your steak?
Oh I pushed back the potatoes and there it was.
Or how did you find the west?
I pushed back the onions and there it was.
If anybody asks me how I found Martin Lewis I'll say pretty dumb.
Alright Mr. Hope I'll make the supreme sacrifice.
I got a brand new Groucho Marx joke.
Really brand new?
You bet your life.
Okay I'll trade you even up.
Did somebody fall down?
What was that?
Brand new?
I bet your life.
Well anyway okay.
Somebody's wearing a neon nose here.
I don't know.
Say okay I'll trade you even up for a brand new Phil Harris.
Alright that's a deal.
Let's see it.
Oh no sight unseen.
Okay here you are.
I got it written down here.
Okay and here's yours.
Wait a minute fellas you're playing without me?
Who blew up the ball?
So I want to trade too.
I got a brand new Fred Allen.
I'll trade you for that Phil Harris.
That's a trade kid here you are.
And here are you.
Now let me see what this says.
Yeah let's read them.
How did you find Albert Einstein?
I pushed back his hair and hair is blind.
Here's a word from RCA Victor.
Only six shopping days left till Christmas.
But that's not bothering America's snappiest families.
They need only one day to select the greatest family gift in history.
An RCA Victor complete home entertainment combination.
They're pooling their dreams and their money to buy the gift that keeps on giving.
And giving and giving.
Giving not just to one but to all.
Giving not just a day but every hour, every day, every year.
Giving not just RCA Victor radio or recorded music or television.
But all three combined in one magnificent cabinet.
Why don't you join together a degree this minute to meet each other next Monday
at your RCA Victor dealers to choose your matchless RCA Victor radio phonograph television combination.
You'll find it costs far less than you'd pay for each instrument separately.
You'll find that your RCA Victor combination is the greatest gift each of you ever made
to the year round happiness of all of us.
["RCA Victor Radio Phonograph Television Combination"]
Darlings, prepare for some excitement.
Appearing with us in a few minutes will be two glamorous movie stars.
Members of the actress company, Deborah Carr and Dorothy McGuire.
Deborah Carr can currently be seen with Stuart Granger and Richard Carlson
in Metro Golden Mare's Technicolor production, King Solomon's Mind.
Oh, and yes, don't think I'm forgetting another star on our show, Frankie Lane.
It's just that I have a little funny way of my own to introduce them.
Hey, joke. To little, how do you find Deborah Carr?
Dorothy McGuire and Frankie Lane.
And I say, I'll just push back my time and there they'll be.
Richard NBC, the national broadcasting company.
["RCA Victor Radio Phonograph Television Combination"]
Well, darlings, I suppose you've noticed something unusual about our big show today.
So far, there have been no women.
A present company, excepted, of course.
Ha ha ha ha.
But, we are just about ready to make up for it.
What with Deborah Carr and Dorothy McGuire on our show.
Oh, what am I doing?
There's still another man whom I haven't presented and what a man.
You know I'm here too, Lou. I've already been on.
Oh, no. Not you, Bob. I'm talking about Frankie Lane.
What's so special about him? Let's skip Lane and get to the girls.
Hey, Dean, look who's sitting there. Two big movie actresses.
Don't get excited, Jerry. So are we.
We're movie actresses.
Ha ha ha ha.
Are you through, crew?
Say, don't crowd, fellas. There's enough here for everybody.
Thank you, darling.
And one left over for somebody.
Two girls and three boys. It don't come out even, so I'll choose fight.
No, no. You hold it, Jerry. I'll take Deborah Carr.
Now it's one girl and two boys.
Eenie meenie, miney meyer. I will choose Dorothy McGuire.
Okay, Dorothy? Dean, I don't think she likes me.
Ah, don't be silly, Jerry. Of course she does.
I think you're a handsome, intelligent, effective young man.
I think you're real nice.
So if you like me, you take me out.
I'll call you out, Jerm. You and I'll take Deborah.
Oh, yummy. I'll take Dorothy McGuire.
Okay, fellas. We're all set to take the girls out after the show.
Pass the centen.
Now, just wait a minute.
I have been standing here listening to this juvenile Casanovan drivel with ill-concealed contempt.
Using this show to divide up two lovely ladies.
It is a disgusting display of ill manners and bad taste as I have ever seen.
Hello, Miss Bankhead.
Ah, Frankie Langdon.
We're just in time, Frankie. We're just in time.
Three of us couples are going out after the show.
Okay, I'll take Dorothy McGuire.
She's spoken for, darling.
So, okay, I'll take Deborah Carr.
Sorry, someone's taking her. Well...
Well, I could call my wife. Maybe she'll want to go.
Isn't it sweet?
What about me?
Well, if my wife can go, we'll need a babysitter.
What?
Sing your song, Lane.
Okay, I'm going to live till I die. Meredith, if you please.
If you're troubled by the blues
Rise up before you reach the end
Oh, don't be so unhappy, my friend
Be like me
I'm gonna live till I die
I'm gonna laugh instead of cry
I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down
I'm gonna live till I die
They're gonna say what a guy
I'm gonna play for the sky
Ain't gonna miss a thing
I'm gonna have my fling
I'm gonna live till I die
The blues are rainbow
I'll make them stay low
They'll never trail over my head
I'll be a devil till I'm an angel
But until then
Hallelujah, gonna dance, gonna fly
I'll take a chance riding high
Before my number's up
I'm gonna fill my cup
Live, live, live, live, live
Till I die
You gotta laugh instead of cry
You gotta play for the sky
You gotta sing and have your fling
So I'm gonna laugh
I'm gonna play
I'm gonna sing, smile, dance, and live
Till I die
I'm gonna laugh instead of cry
I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down
I'm gonna live, live, live, till I die
They're gonna say what a guy
I'm gonna play for the sky
Ain't gonna miss a thing
I'm gonna have my fling
I'm gonna live, live, live, till I die
The blues will link so low
I'll make them say it so low
They'll never trail over my head
I'll be a devil till I'm an angel
But until then
Hallelujah, gonna dance, dance, dance, gonna fly
I'll take a chance riding high
Before my number's up
I'm gonna fill my cup
I'm gonna live, live, live, till I die
Live until I die
Before my number's up
I'm gonna fill my cup
I'm gonna live, live, live, live, live
Until I die
I'm gonna live until I die
Applause
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Music
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome to the big show the Actors' Company of Hollywood,
which is composed of some of the outstanding creative artists in Hollywood,
who have brought the living American theater to the West Coast.
Tonight the Actors' Company has graciously invited me to appear with them in a radio adaptation of Claire Booth-Lewis' Broadway play, The Women.
The scene is in the living room of Mary Haynes on Pop Avenue, the time, afternoon, the occasion, tenaster.
Dorothy McGuire appears as Peggy, Deborah Carr as Mary, and I play Sylvia.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Actors' Company.
Music
Excuse me Sylvia, I think I'd better join the others. I haven't seen Mary's children yet, they're just back from the park.
Wait Peggy, I've got something to tell you. I'd burst if I had to wait.
Oh, I knew you had something. I'm not sure you should tell me Sylvia.
Now don't be stupid Peggy. Stephen Haynes is two-timing Mary. He's playing around, he's got a girl.
Oh, I don't believe it. Is it true?
Wait till you hear. Now you know I go to Moscow for my hair. You ought to go, pet. I despise whatever does yours.
Well, that's the most wonderful you manicurist there. Aren't I near divine? Look dear, a jungle red.
Go on Sylvia, what are you trying to say?
Well now this manicurist is marvellous. Look at her in my nails. And I was looking through Vogue. You know, the one with Mary in the Vogue Arts Vol.
Oh yes, she wore a white powdered wig and she looked lovely.
Well now this manicurist, oh Mrs. Taller she said, is that me Mrs. Haynes who is so awfully rich?
And what difference does it make to her?
Oh I forget what she said next. You know how these creatures are babble babble babble babble babble babble.
Never let a moment when suddenly she said, I know Mr. Haynes' girlfriend.
Oh how could you listen to her?
Listen to her my dear. How do you suppose I felt? I couldn't very well shut her up. I mean I had to find out who the other woman was.
Does Mary know about this?
No, but she's bound to find out. If a woman's got any instincts, she fears when her husband is off the reservation.
I know I would, but not Mary. If only there was some way to warn her.
Villevier, you're not going to tell her.
Why certainly not my dear. But I'd die before I'd be the one to hurt her like that.
Couldn't someone shut that manicurist up?
A good story like that? A lot of these girls care whose lives they ruin.
Dirty, isn't it?
Foul! My dear, the whole thing is justly unfair to Mary. I feel like a disloyal skunk.
Well just knowing about it. You know I worship Mary. She's my dearest friend in the world.
Help her, help her.
Shut up Peggy, shut up.
I'm so sorry to have kept you. I was talking to Stephen. Where are the others?
They're in with the children, Mary.
Well, darling, how is Stephen, the old dear? And did you give him my love?
I did Sylvia. Stephen's not so well.
Oh, what's the trouble?
Nervous indigestion. That's why I have a plain cook now.
Oh, there's nothing worrying Stephen.
Oh no, he's just been working late. He's not coming home again tonight.
Oh, are you sure it's worth darling, and not a beautiful blonde?
Oh Sylvia.
Well Stephen's a very attractive man.
Isn't he? I can't imagine why he hasn't deserted me for some glamorous creature long ago.
Oh Mary, you do sound smart.
Oh let me be Peggy. How can you be too sure of what you believe in most?
I wouldn't be sure of anyone if we were able to get up and totter across the room.
I always tell my spouse, if you ever manage to make a fool of me, I'll deserve what I get.
You certainly will.
Oh Mary, have you seen my new nail color? How do you like that?
It's attractive Sylvia.
Oh God, imagine how it stays on. I get it at Michael's. You ought to go Mary.
Oh Sylvia. Oh wonderful new manicurist, Olga's her name. She's marvelous.
Let's flake an after.
Now look Mary, they call it Jungle Red.
Looks as if you've been tearing at somebody's throat.
Oh that does it Peggy. I'll never tell you another thing.
That will be just fine.
Now girls, I really do like Sylvia's polish. It's new and smart. Michael's, Olga, Jungle Red.
I remember that. Shall we cut the deal Sylvia, you and I? I feel lucky today.
Do you darling? Well you know what they say, lucky in cards.
Michael's, Olga, Jungle Red. Yes, I went to Michael's and I had my nails done by Olga.
And I had my world destroyed too. I found out what my friends already knew.
Stephen had another woman, Crystal Allen.
The place they send wives with shattered worlds is called Reno.
It wasn't long before we were there. Oh yes, Peggy and Sylvia had to go too.
Divorce seemed to be catching.
Well Sylvia, what is your doing in Reno Peggy? I couldn't resist the slot machine.
I can imagine. Well relax darling, you'll get a better break from those one-armed bandits
than you got from dear husband John.
And I suppose you came here for the rodeo?
Don't be crude dear.
What if he does look a little bench when he's not on his horse?
He's the best I can find in this town. At least I'm not going to sit around and mope like Mary.
Now don't start anything Sylvia, this is Mary's last night. She's got to decree tomorrow.
I'm praying she'll get a call from New York tonight.
You mean Mary would take Stephen back?
Well why not? Why not? You think I wouldn't take John back?
That is if we hadn't feuded so terribly over money.
Oh stop sniveling. You and Mary had no pride. I'd roast on a spit before I'd take Howard Fowler back.
Kicking me out like that after all I sacrificed.
You did? What did you do?
I gave him my youth. But I got paid plenty.
The skunk.
Oh Sylvia, why do you hate Mary so?
I don't hate her. It's just that she was always so smug about her husband and her happiness.
Now she's down like all the rest of us.
Yes Sylvia, I'm down now. We're all in the soup together.
By the way, here's a letter that came for you.
Oh thanks. I haven't heard from Stephen I suppose.
No, it's too late for that I'm afraid.
Well sweetheart, he's hardly worth a broken heart.
The less you have to say about me and Stephen the better I like it.
Well I'm only trying to cheer you up. That's more than you do for me.
I'm doing enough just being pleasant to you.
Now you have got the jitters, do you?
Now you let Mary alone. We're all in the same fix.
Oh I'm just trying to make her see that life isn't over just because Stephen let her down.
I'm glad you've adjusted to the inevitable Sylvia.
What do you mean by that crack darling?
She means what we read in the New York papers this morning. Your husband is marrying Miriam Arendt of the Vanities.
Why you little bitch.
No Sylvia.
Did you know this?
Oh Sylvia, why do you care? You don't love Howard.
Oh Mary, how could you do this to me?
I'm terribly sorry Sylvia.
This humiliation, this carefully timed insult and after all I've done for you.
And what have you done for me?
I warned you.
I'm not exactly grateful for that.
No aren't you? Listen to me you balking feet.
You're not the object of pity you suppose.
Many of the girls have pickled a death you've got those coming to you.
You deserve to lose Stephen, stupid way you acted.
But I always stood up for you like a loyal friend.
What thanks do I get?
You about this woman you stood by gloating.
Get out of here. Get out.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate everybody. I hate everybody.
You wait. Someday you'll need a woman friend.
Let you think of me.
Well that is that.
Oh Mary, what are we doing here? What is happening to us?
We're being written off the books Peggy.
But you haven't given up Mary, not really.
You still think in your heart that Stephen will call.
Don't you Mary? Don't you?
No. No Peggy it's too late.
If he were going to call he wouldn't have waited until now.
The very last minute.
We need someone to protect us from all this.
A woman's best protection is the right man.
And obviously your John isn't the right man Peggy.
And he'll forget all about you in another month.
Another month? Oh no.
No I can't stand it here another moment.
Oh I can't Mary. I can't.
But Peggy. What's the matter with you?
I'm going to have a baby oh Mary. What shall I do?
Do? There's only one thing to do.
New York operator.
Peggy what's the number?
El Dorado 52075.
Oh I can't tell him now. Oh Mary I know I was wrong.
But it's no use. You just don't know the things he said to me.
And I have my pride.
Reno's full of women who all have their pride.
Hello? Mr. Day please. Reno calling.
Just hold on a moment. Hello John?
No no no I'm not sick.
Oh John I'm going to have a baby.
Oh my dear are you?
Oh dear do you?
Oh dear so am I.
Of course I forgive you. Oh yes precious. Yes lamb. On the very next train.
Oh Johnny when I get back things are going to be so different.
And dear do you mind if I reverse the charges?
Oh Mary I've got to pack. Oh Mary I can't bear to leave you here alone.
Why don't you? Why don't you do something about Stephen?
It's different with me Peggy.
Stephen is marrying another woman.
But she doesn't love him.
I do. That's the way it is.
But Mary why don't you fight for it? Your marriage hasn't really ended until you end it.
Fight?
Yes. Why not Peggy?
Why not?
Fight the way other women fight.
You're right Peggy. It isn't ended is it?
If your heart doesn't say so it's not ended.
The End
This powder room looks like ladies night at Madison Square Garden.
Here Peggy try my lipstick. I can't bear how that shade you're using.
Thanks your dear. What do you think of the party?
Gruesome. I hate this club.
You know Mary is here tonight.
Yes I saw her. First time she's been out in a year. Why do you think?
She's here because Stephen is here and his new wife.
Why should Mary be here because Stephen's here?
Don't tell me she's still in that concert.
Well why not? Now look here Sylvia. You knew that crystal creature didn't you?
I met her. What makes you think Mary thinks she has a chance?
I've got a hunch you could tell her that.
Hmm maybe I could.
Oh what do you mean?
That Stephen of hers is a Puritan.
Bless his little Plymouth Rock soul.
My psychoanalyst tells me that men of his generation were brought up to believe that wives who carry keys to other apartments are strictly for burning.
What are you talking about?
Well I shouldn't be talking about it at all.
But I will tell you this. I visited this crystal a month ago and while she was bathing I rummaged around and came across a key.
A little gold key.
A key to what?
To an apartment where the new Mrs. Stephen Hayes still sees an old boyfriend Jim Winston.
Sylvia. You've got to tell Mary.
Tell Mary what girls?
Oh Mary you're looking ravishing.
Is this your first time out since Reno?
Yes darling. I'm a recluse. Stay home and bloom.
Mary you've been sitting out there in that club all night with Jim Winston. I've seen how he is.
Intoxicated as usual I'll bet.
Yes Sylvia.
Find out anything darling?
Plenty. I think he's the secret in Crystal's life.
Aha. So you have been digging. Well I hope you know what you're talking about dearie.
Yes I know what I'm talking about Sylvia. I know all about Crystal and Jim Winston.
And Jim Winston is just waiting for me to cue him so that he can tell Stephen everything about his precious new wife.
Good girl.
Yes Jim Winston thinks I'm a very much abused gal. His western chivalry is about to light up like a crepe Suzette.
Well this couldn't be the little Mary you put herself high on the pedestal above all us poor down-shard and unfaughtened females a year ago.
Now Sylvia. You have the proof Mary needs. Give her that key.
What key?
Darling I never become embroiled in divorce actions. Other people. I photograph terribly.
Come on Sylvia. For once in your life play ball. Give Mary that key.
Mary do you mean you'll take that sleutered left over?
I'll take him thank you. I love him.
Why Mary haven't you any pride?
Pride? That's the luxury a woman in love can't afford.
Well what do you do if I give you the key?
If it's what I think it is. I'm going out there right now and let Jim Winston tell Stephen the truth.
The whole truth about Mrs. Crystal Haynes. Then I'll move in and get him back.
Why Mary I believe you will. Well here darling take the key. Incidentally pet. It's for 807 Gothic Arms. A real fleabag.
The elevator boys make excellent witnesses.
Make way for a lady who is about to fight for her man and no hold barred.
Why Mary what a dirty female freak.
I had a year to sharpen my claws darling. How do you like my nails Sylvia? Jungle red pet. Goodnight ladies.
Oh Deborah, Deborah darling don't go away darling. I want to have some girl talk with you in just a moment.
Right now a man named Bing Crosby wants to say something.
Why Bing do you happen to catch Bob Hope's program?
Oh Ken, Bob Hope shows an absolute must in the Crosby household.
Every Tuesday night we all gulp our dinner down and we dash madly for the radio.
We all sit in a semi-circle and we pay strict attention.
The first one to laugh has to wash the dishes.
I see you make a regular game out of it.
Yeah.
Oh then you heard Bob mention the new Chesterfield poster. The one that shows him holding up the new Chesterfield Christmas card.
Oh indeed I did. I heard him plug my Santa Claus likeness on the card too.
Ah you know Bing you make a very convincing Papa Santa Claus.
Well I've had the modicum of practice shall we say.
Anyway it's a wonderful gift for just about everyone you want to give a gift for.
Chesterfield, Chesterfield always wins first place.
That's milder mild so that cone never leaves an aftertaste.
So open a pack, give them a smell. Then you'll smoke them.
This Christmas give Chesterfield Christmas card with Bing as Papa Santa Claus.
Hey to Lou.
What about?
Well Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis and I would like to do our version of the women.
We call it the fellers.
Well let's hear it.
Ladies and gentlemen the Actors Company.
Sydney.
What is it Marvin?
I love your drapes.
Thank goodness someone noticed them.
I've been wearing them for three weeks and my wife never said a word.
Before we were married she noticed everything I wore. You know how we met.
I was a car hop at a drive in.
Oh I remember when you worked there you sure could fill a pair of tight slacks.
And then some. Thank you Marvin.
I remember when you were thin too.
Say speaking of blubber have you seen Piggy lately?
Not so loud he's in the next room fixing his face.
Fixing his face? How did he manage to do that? It's so hard to get parts these days.
Gee here it comes now. Get a load of that hair will you?
Hair? I thought it was a helmet. Oh hello.
Hello Piggy. Say I like your hair.
You mean it? You like this color? Jungle red.
Oh yes it goes so well with your eyes.
Oh that's because he cries so much.
You know a woman is worth it Piggy. There are other fish in the sea.
I don't like fish I like women.
Look what are you worried about Pig? After your wife gets a divorce you'll find somebody else.
There are two million women in New York.
Yeah but they don't want to get married.
How do you know? I asked them.
Ah don't cry Piggy.
I want my wife. I miss my poopsie.
So go on home to your poopsie. Go ahead.
I can't. Why not? She hits me.
Besides I overheard Mike Hattie telling the masseur the poopsie is going out with Fred.
That's a lot. Fred is going out with Muriel.
What about Velma?
Velma broke off with Fred when she saw him with Isabelle.
Isabelle?
Why Isabelle told Martha that Selma isn't speaking to Miriam since Dolores found that gold key to Maxine's medicine cabinet in Tallulah's slag.
Would you mind repeating the question?
I don't carry tails.
And I don't know about you guys but I'm going out and paint the town red.
Jungle red of course.
How about it Marvin? Want to come along with me?
Yeah I'd love to Sydney but my little fixer old niece has come to visit me.
Piggy will you look after Marvin's niece?
Me? But your niece is a stranger to me.
Marvin what is your niece? A boy or a girl?
Well a girl.
Does she hit?
I don't like to be hit by a stranger.
Oh you'll get along fine with her. Come on Sydney let's go.
Okay see you later Piggy.
Now I gotta take care of a stranger.
Oh me, oh my, golly gee. Here I sit all alone.
Gee I said I sit all alone and the telephone rang.
Oh it hiked me.
Hello? Oh poofsy am I glad you called.
I'm in terrible trouble. You gotta take me back.
I didn't want to tell you this before but now you gotta take me back. You gotta.
I'm expecting a little stranger.
Ah ha ha ha ha.
That was real fun. Well boys will be boys.
And now to the girls. Come on over Deborah Carr and Darlton McGuire.
Aren't they lovely? Two famous famous movie actresses.
We've all seen and admired many many times.
Ah very dear friends. Ah ha ha darlings I keep forgetting which one of you is Deborah Carr.
I am and which one of you is Tallulah Bankhead?
Darling there is only one Tallulah Bankhead.
Yes and isn't her name Betty Davis?
No that isn't it sweetie.
Darlton McGuire. Darcy Darcy Darcy how are you dear?
I never think of you without remembering the brilliant Claudia that you were.
Aren't you ever coming back to Broadway?
Well I think about it now and then Tallulah but my picture work takes all my time.
It's not so easy as a theatre.
Oh darling the theatre is quite exhausting.
Exhausting? Two and a half hours a night from 8.30 to 11.
What do you do from 11 till 8.30 the next night?
I shake hands with my admirers.
Of course motion picture work is alright I suppose.
I made one here a few years ago. Lifeboat.
You'd doubt if you see it.
Well anyway when I finish it I dash right back to my dear old Broadway.
Didn't they ever call you back to make a sequel?
Son of Lifeboat.
I didn't say so.
Oh I've had offers of course.
But you were busy shaking hands.
Yes Deborah darling.
Well it's alright to make a picture now and then but I can't understand how you can say a word in New York so long.
The home of the living theatre. You especially Dorothy.
Bonds of the theatre you might say.
Oh I love California. We all do.
The palm trees, the coconut trees, the banana trees.
Well of course bongo if you don't want to leave the Congo.
But I prefer Broadway anytime.
I don't know why. We have radio here too you know.
Oh Deborah I'm not on radio alone.
Besides radio I take an active interest in the theatre. I lecture, make records.
I'm spread out all over the place.
Yes dear but in that dress it doesn't show at all.
What?
And besides Tallulah we don't only make pictures we have a theatre here which is very much alive.
The Actors Company.
Oh of course you have and it's too cadaver in the arts I suppose.
I'd be glad to join your little group if it will help you out.
Oh I'm sorry Tallulah. It's the Actors Company?
Oh yes it was the unkindest cut of all.
Deborah you know my work in the theatre. You remember me on the stage in England.
Well I was a small child at the time.
Ah ha. As it is sweet. I see the two of you against me.
You began it.
The two of you picking on me.
You started picking on me.
No I'm not a good actress.
Now who has it said which one of you is Deborah Carr?
Nathan Hale. What difference does it make?
Was it a joke or are your eyes bad?
Oh that's been a lifetime in the theatre.
If you'll admit your eyes are bad I'll apologize.
You stand there and tell me I can't join your Actors Company?
Was it a joke or was it your eyes?
How the mighty has fallen.
Was it your eyes? Look how many fingers am I holding up?
Twelve for what?
To think that the name of the Dula Bank and a symbol of the living theatre should be destroyed in ground practice.
This is the unkindest cut of all.
Oh Tallulah I'm sorry.
Oh dear please don't take it this way.
Of course I'm a great actress.
We were only joking.
Oh well apologize Tallulah.
We trace my heart to see you crying.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Actors Company indeed.
Music
Well darlings that's our show for this week.
We're now for New York again.
Where we'll bring you next week Sunday Christmas Eve.
And what a load of presents we'll distribute.
Jimmy Durante, Burt Lahr, Robert Merrill, Margaret O'Brien,
Edith Pia, Fran Warren, Ed Wynn, and Meredith Wilkins with the big show Oxford Chorus.
And we are dedicating our Christmas Eve show to all our men in uniform all over the world.
Until then darlings.
May the good Lord bless and keep you.
And may the Lord bless you.
The big show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All Star Festival.
Has been brought to you by your local forefeet.
Who's now displaying the new 1951 Ford.
A car that's built for the years ahead.
By RCA Victor, world leader in radio.
First to recorded music, first in television.
By Chesterfield, the only figure that combines mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste.
And by the makers of Amethyst.
A fast relief for pain of headaches, neuritis, and ur alza.
Martin and Lewis appeared to the courtesy of Hal Wallis, producer of Dark City.