We're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in showbiz.
For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as...
Fred Allen.
Phil Baker.
Marlene Aditi.
Portland Hoffa.
Edward G. Robinson.
Danny Thomas.
Fran Warren.
Meredith Wilson.
And my name, darlings, is the ruler Bankette.
The National Broadcasting Company presents...
The Big Show.
The Big Show.
Ninety minutes with the most innovating personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All-Star Festival.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankette.
Well, darlings, here it is, 1951.
1951.
It seems like only yesterday was 1941.
But of course, 1941 was five years ago.
I may be a poor mathematician, but I'm going to be the youngest poor mathematician.
Well, I woke up this morning, thank goodness.
And I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, now, good morning, Tallulah darling.
I call everybody darling, darling.
And I had a little talk with myself.
Now, I talk to myself all the time.
Goodness knows no one else doesn't think I want to listen to.
So I said, now look here, Tallulah, this is a new year.
Now let's make it a good one.
No tantrum, no temper, no insult.
And the face in the mirror said, yes darling, and no radio show.
It was then that I realized that it wasn't the mirror at all I'd been looking out of
my window to poster advertising all about Eve.
Pardon me, Tallulah, may I interrupt this conversation you are having with yourself?
Fred, darling, Fred Allen.
Tallulah, I happen to be all about eavesdropping and I overheard you talking to yourself.
You don't know how lucky you are.
You know, I was on the air 12 years before I found out that I was talking to myself.
Now, Fred, I loved you on radio.
You had a faithful audience.
They never missed your show.
Ah, and my audience is still faithful, Tallulah.
I've been out of radio for three years and they still don't miss my show.
Darling, I'll never understand why you don't have a radio program.
Well, I had to give it up, circumstances, Tallulah.
I had a minor problem.
You see, my hooper and my pulse both went down to five.
Well, you look tempered to find now, darling.
That trip to Florida must have done you a lot of good.
I just adore your tan.
Well, this isn't a tan.
It's sort of a yellow frostbite.
You know, it went down to five in Florida, too.
It was so cold in Miami, I had to put sleeves in my electric blanket so that I could go
out in the daytime.
My teeth kept chattering all night.
Well, why don't you keep them in hot water?
Well, darling, you of all people don't have to worry about not having a regular radio
show.
No, that's true, Tallulah.
I am gainfully unemployed.
Isn't it boring, darling?
What are you doing to do all day?
Oh, I'm always busy.
I have a hobby, unemployment insurance.
Unemployment insurance?
Yes, that is controlled by a government agency that insures you against finding a job.
They pay you a small weekly stipend while they try to place you.
Now, last week, for example, I was interviewed for a job in the automat as a banana turner.
A banana turner?
Yes, in the automat, you see, sometimes when the fruit chef is in a hurry, he will put
a banana into a compartment the long way.
Well, the banana sticks out and the little door won't close, and that's where I come
in.
You as the banana turner?
I turn the banana crosswise so that little door can close, you see.
Now, Fred, you're joking, darling, with this unemployment insurance.
Surely you have some plans for the future.
Well, yes, I have.
I'm coming back to radio.
Oh, that's good news, Fred.
Really?
A comedian like you coming back to radio, radio could really come back.
Is that trip necessary?
Well, confidentially, Tallulah, it's that tea.
I'm off a tea.
I'm leaving out of my words even.
Confidentially, Tallulah, I'm not coming back as a comedian.
That's too tough a job today.
When I come back, I'm going to have the easiest job in radio.
What's that, Fred?
I am going to be a sponsor.
Fred, you a sponsor?
You must be losing a mind.
Well, that's the first requisite.
Well, what are you going to sell?
Nothing.
You know, I think that people have been listening to radio commercials for so long that their
houses are cluttered up with stuff that they really don't need.
So I am going to sell nothing, and I'm going to charge 37 cents for it.
Fred, isn't that a lot of money for nothing?
Oh, the way prices are today, about all you can get for 37 cents is nothing.
And for 47 cents, you can get the big economy size nothing.
Well, I can sponsor a radio show and build it around a personality who could make something
big out of nothing.
Mr. Allen!
Well, here's nothing with a head on it.
Well, as I stand here and cleverly feign astonishment, if it isn't Portland.
Philola, you remember Portland Hopper?
I recognize the city, but the state is unfamiliar.
Portland Hopper, that's an odd name.
Why do they call you Portland?
Well, Miss Bankhead, you see, I was born in Seattle.
Then why didn't they call you Seattle?
Seattle is such a silly name for a girl.
Yes, yes.
Well, lucky for you, you weren't twins.
Your mother might have called you Walla Walla.
Oh, come now, Miss Bankhead, you're joking.
That's what we're here for, darling.
Oh, honestly, Miss Bankhead, we do have twins in our family, but it would have been ridiculous
to call them Walla Walla.
Well, what did they call the twins?
Minneapolis and St. Paul.
Well, look, Mrs. Rand and Mrs. McNally, I hate to put my map in here at this time, but
I'm sure that Portland didn't stop by to discuss the states of the Union.
Now what is on your, you should excuse the expression, your mind, Portland?
Well, Mama says she's an admirer of Miss Bankhead's from way back.
See, that's rather a broad statement.
But carry on, Portland.
Mama listens to Miss Bankhead's shows religiously.
Well it's on Sunday, so naturally.
I think your mother is darling, Portland.
Mama asked me to ask you a question, Miss Bankhead, if you won't get mad.
Mad?
Why should I get mad, darling?
Of course I won't get mad.
Haven't you heard, Portland dear?
It's the new Tallulah, no tantrums, no temper, especially not for such a devoted listener
as your mother.
Mad indeed.
Now, darling, what is your mother's question, darling?
How old are you?
None of your mother's neurotic business.
Say, Portland, if you will climb down from that chandelier, I'd like to tell you that
you may inform your mother that I am going back on radio myself.
I'm going to be a sponsor.
Really, Mr. Allen?
What are you going to sell?
I'm going to have a program that sells nothing.
Oh, just like your old program.
In rebuttal, Miss Hopper, I must say that you have the makings of another Tallulah only
an octave higher.
On this high note of hilarity, let us take leave of beautiful Portland, city of Hopper,
and bend our way towards Meredith Wilson and her big show, Orchestra and Chorus.
Here they are now in their first bright boxing arrangement of 1951, a brand new tune by that
grand old master, Ziegmund Romburg.
Sing, sing, zoom, zoom, my little heart goes boom when I hear this melody playing.
Sing, sing, zoom, zoom, a little simp will tune, who cares what the words may be saying.
Sing, sing, zoom, zoom, you hear it once and soon you'll find that your humming is playing.
It's more than a waltz, more after it holds, it lingers with you night and day.
With this song in mind, your troubles you'll find, sing, sing and zoom, zoom away.
Zingy, zing, zing, zoom, zoom, zingy, zing, zing, zoom, we'll sing, we'll zoom,
we'll fill the room with the zing, zingy-ness, zoom, zoomy-ness, inhuman-ness sound.
Zing, zing, zoom, zoom, my little heart goes boom when I hear this melody playing.
Zing, zing, zoom, zoom, a simple tune, boom, boom, boom, who cares what the words may be saying.
Zing, zing, zoom, zoom, you hear it once, boom, boom, boom, you'll find that your humming is swaying.
And ladies, you can't get close anywhere to your matrimonial door.
With this song in mind, your troubles you'll find, sing, sing and zoom, zoom, he's yours.
Zing, zing, zoom, zoom, zing, zoom, zoom, zing, zoom, zing, zoom, zing, zoom, zoom, zing, zoom, you hear it once and soon, you'll find that your humming is swaying.
And darling, Toulou especially you have got to keep up with the tide whenever it's time for ringing your chime, zing, zing and zoom, zoom.
Sing, sing, sing.
Zoon Zoon!
Meredith, that was divine.
Meredith Wilson, darling.
Oh yes, Miss Bankhead.
I'll be over there in just a minute.
Oh, Fred.
Yes, Tallulah?
Have you met Meredith Wilson?
No, I have never had the pleasure.
How lucky can you be?
Well, I'll tell you as soon as I meet him.
Now believe me, Fred, your luck is running out.
Yeah?
Here he comes now, you're trapped.
Trapped? You mean...
Fred, now listen, I'm very fond of Meredith. I think he's divine, I adore him.
Huh?
He's a lovely chap, but you mustn't encourage him or he'll bore you to tears with some revolting story about that remote little hamlet he comes from, Mason City, Iowa.
Shh, shh, shh. Cheeser, Tallulah, here he is.
Mr. Allen, I've been wanting to meet you.
Really?
You'll find me a lovely chap if you don't encourage me to bore you to tears with some revolting story about that remote little hamlet I come from, Mason City, Iowa.
Why, I am very interested, Mr. Meredith.
You'll be sorry, darling. Press on, Meredith.
Well, sir, gentlemen, back there in Mason City, Iowa...
I want to say back there in Mason City, Iowa, that's my hometown, you know.
I know that.
Well, it is, you know.
Well, sir, the big social event of the season used to be the Strawberry Festival.
Uh-huh.
I tell you, this one year it was wilder than a corn huskin being...
Really?
Jiminy Crickets... Oh, excuse me, Miss Bankett, I forgot there was a lady present.
Fred, have you ever heard of more than any little tale?
Well, this is the first time I've ever seen a fellow fall asleep in the middle of his own story.
He's lucky.
Well, sir, this one year that I'm talking about, we just couldn't wait for the strawberries to arrive.
No.
I didn't tell you this, but we don't grow strawberries in Mason City.
No?
No.
Every year we have them shipped in for our Strawberry Festival.
One at a time?
Well, of course, without strawberries it wouldn't be a Strawberry Festival.
No.
Well, anyhow, they were coming all the way from Minneapolis, you know.
Hell, yes. I know his brother St. Paul.
Well, sir, when those strawberries came in, we had a festival that I'll never forget as long as I live.
Yeah.
And Mason City will never forget it either.
Not as long as you live, they won't.
Well, thank you. Boy, it was some party.
Every boy and girl in town was there, and they'll never forget that evening.
On account of that Strawberry Festival, some of them later got married, some got engaged.
Something happened to everybody who was there.
What happened to you?
I ate too many strawberries and broke out in a rash.
And from then on, whenever I hear the word strawberry, I just want to run.
Strawberry, strawberry, strawberry!
May I take a box of those strawberries, lady?
Well, Fred, was that or was that not the dullest story you've ever heard in your life?
Well, sir, Tallulah,
it's a funny thing, you know, when I was a kid back there in Boston, a suburb of Mason City,
we used to have these bean festivals, and I remember...
Beans, beans, beans!
Oh, isn't this awful?
Marriage and a strawberry festival, Fred and this half-baked story about beans.
Now, I remember when I was a little girl, down there in Alabama,
we used to have cotton candy.
I'll never forget the year Jefferson Davis and I led the grand march.
It was one of my friends!
We have come now, darlings, to an exciting moment in our big show tonight.
We ask you to join us in bidding welcome to an outstanding personality,
a distinguished artist, Mr. Edward G. Robinson.
We hear now a famous story by the well-known writer and celebrated master of suspense, Mr. Cornell Woolrich.
The big show stars Mr. Edward G. Robinson in the role of Harold Harvicker in Woolrich's after-dunners play.
The scene, the sumptuous dining hall in the apartment of Harold Harvicker, Park Avenue,
a soft summer night in August, a lavish dinner for five has come to the grand date in the sky.
Yes, it's a very nice dinner.
So, Evans, kindly pass that silver bowl. Let each of the gentlemen see what it contains.
Mr. McKenzie first.
Not another dessert, Mr. Harvick.
No, not quite. Mr. Kenshaw?
Mayonnaise.
Close. Mr. Pendergast?
What is this, a gag?
No, I'm afraid not. Mr. Lambert, please?
I'm too full to care, sir. All I can say is it looks hot, sticky, and it smells funny. Eggnog, huh?
That's very good.
Oh, Evans, place the bowl in the exact center of the table. Now, that's it. Thank you.
Oh, and you may remove the glasses and coffee.
Okay, mister, we give up. What's in that thing?
Oh, quite a number of things, Mr. Pendergast. Whites of eggs, mustard, certain other ingredients, all well-groomed together.
Sounds like an antidote.
That's not a funny joke, McKenzie.
No, it's not a joke. It is an antidote.
Oh, Evans, you have the gun I gave you. All right, stand there. Please, on the other side of those doors, and see to it that no one comes out of here.
If they try, you know what to do.
I thought there was something screwy with this idea coming to your house for supper.
Why should you invite four characters you don't even know, and then throw us a feat like this? I'm getting out of here.
I assure you, Pendergast, Evans will not hesitate to shoot. He has orders.
You see, gentlemen, there's a murderer in our midst.
What? What are you talking about?
Gentlemen, I know you all quite well. McKenzie, you're still a salesman of water coolers.
Lambert, you're a salesman of novelties. I'm sure you're still a clerk.
Pendergast, well, the police have an interesting dossier on you.
What of it?
Only this. One of you is a murderer. One of you killed my son. You killed him a year ago today.
The murderer has not yet paid the price.
You're setting yourself above the proper constituted authorities?
The findings of the medical examiner were suicide, while of unsound mind. Why do you hold them in public?
This isn't a discussion. This is an execution.
A year ago, an elevator making its descent picked up at different floors in an office building five passengers, five men, presumably, on their way home from work.
Including the operator, there were six people making the descent.
That elevator went out of control and crashed into the basement, killing the operator.
Five of you were still alive after the crash.
While the rescue crew worked with acetylene torches to cut through the steel top of the car,
one of you shot and killed my son lying there in the dark.
The inquest found that he was killed with his own gun, died by his own hand.
The few know differently. I know differently.
Oh, but surely, Mr. Hardick, the inquest was thorough.
I recall that there was testimony offered to prove that your son had been of a highly nervous type, that he was overwrought,
that the noise of the torches, magnified as it was within the car, was the factor that pushed your son beyond endurance.
Yeah, yeah, it was rough in that elevator. I thought we were going to get burned down.
My ears have never been the same. I can still hear that roaring.
The net is, Mr. Hardick, that if you were right, the police would have long since proved it.
After all, they are interested in justice. It's their business.
But it's been a year now, and the case is still marked closed.
No, no, Mr. McKenzie, it is not closed.
You see, I know who the man is.
It took me a year to find out, but now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt.
The police wouldn't listen to me. They insisted it was suicide.
But I demand justice for the taking of my son's life.
It is now nine o'clock. In a matter of minutes, one of you will be dead.
You probably noticed at dinner that each of you was served separately.
One dish and one alone was deadly.
It's putting in its slow, sure work right now as we sit here.
Look at that silver bowl, gentlemen. It contains the antidote.
I have no wish to set myself up as an executioner above the law.
Let the murderer be the chooser.
Let him reach out and save himself and stand convicted before all of you.
Or let him keep silent and go down to his death without confessing,
privately executed for what can't be publicly proved.
In say ten, twelve minutes, collapse will come without warning.
But are you sure you did this to the right one?
No, I haven't made any mistake. The waiter was carefully rehearsed.
You're all perfectly unharmed but the killer.
Now he tells us a fine way to digest a meal.
Why didn't you serve the murderer first so then the rest of us could eat in peace at least?
Shut up, Lambert. You can't be sane and do a thing like this.
Did you ever have a son, Mr. McKenzie?
I understand it. Let me out of here. I didn't do it.
I don't feel so good. Then why don't you take the medicine our dear host has provided.
Why not, Lambert?
Just reaching for a cigar, Mack.
Got a light, Pendergast?
Thanks.
Something's shaking. Either my head or your hand.
You trying to kill us?
What's the idea of reaching like that if you ain't going to take the stuff?
Can't you see this ain't no time to kid?
This guy Hardecker is nuts. He's not eating a fruitcake.
Quit it, Pendergast. Act like a man.
Hardecker, you're alienating whatever sympathies do you by pulling a stunt like this.
I'm not asking for sympathy. It's atonement I want.
Three lives were taken from me.
My only son, my daughter-in-law, and their prematurely born child.
I demand payment, Gaff.
I can't breathe. He fed it to me. So help me.
Gas around the heart may be Pendergast.
Don't fall for it if you're not sure.
Don't fall for it if I drop dead. Are you going to bring me back?
He ought to be arrested for this.
Arrested? He's going to get sued like nobody was ever sued before.
When I get through it...
I'd say about four minutes left.
Well, the murderer seems to prefer death to compassion.
Oh! What's the matter, Mackenzie? It hit you? My heart.
Hey!
Oh dear God in heaven, I didn't do nothing to deserve this.
I'm dying. I know. I'm dying.
The antidote is not downed in 30 seconds. It will most certainly fail.
30 seconds.
No! No, no! Give me that bottle!
There. I've drunk it. I've drunk it all.
Will it... will it save me?
No. Don't stare at me. Tell me.
Will it save me? Did I drink it in time?
So it's you, Cantrell.
Yes. Yes, I killed him.
I'd kill him again. Over and over and over a thousand times.
He used your name, cashed in on your wealth and position to work himself in my company.
Got my job. Got me fired.
Yes. I killed your son.
I killed him.
So what? So what, Hardecker?
No matter what they've all heard me say just now, you'll never be able to prove I did it.
Nobody saw me. Only the dark.
That's where you're going. Into the dark.
You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. Only the... only the dark.
He felt like a ton of bricks. What's the matter with him?
He's dead. Well, Hardecker, I guess your antidote didn't work in time.
No, that wasn't the antidote. That was the poison itself.
He hadn't been given any poison until he got that now.
He convicted himself and carried out sentence on himself with one and the same gesture.
I hadn't known which one of you it was until then.
I'd only known it hadn't been my son's own doing because you see the noise of those torches burning above your heads
while the crew worked to free you from the elevator wouldn't have affected you much.
It was partly death and birth.
Now, I'm ready to take my own medicine. Call the police.
Let them and their prosecutors and their courts of law decide whether I killed him or his own guilty conscience did.
Bravo, bravo to Edward G. Robinson and the supporting cast for a splendid performance.
Come over here, Eddie, darling. We have so much to talk about.
Oh, shut up.
Fred, isn't that darling? Sweet little Eddie Robinson trying to act like a gangster.
And you shut up too.
Wait a minute, I didn't say anything yet.
Well, just in case you're thinking of saying anything, just shut up.
Now, Ed, you're kidding, aren't you?
What do you think this buzz on my hip is?
Middle-aged Fred.
You're 45, see?
Have you ever considered cutting down on potatoes?
Now listen, you victimator.
You get in my way and I'll push a grapefruit in your mush and throw a pineapple into your apartment, see?
Say, I'll take a pound of that fruit salad, sir.
Now look here, I'm warning you, see? One more crack out of you and you'll need protection insurance.
Say, I'll take some of that too.
It'll go well with my unemployment insurance.
I'm on Pauley, I'm on Pauley going there.
Wait a minute, Fred. Now look here, Ed, I don't understand this.
Now I've always known you to be a mild, sweet, tempered, intellectual man who spends most of his time collecting valuable paintings.
Yeah, that's a blind.
On the backs of them, they're paintings or blueprints of some of the biggest banks in the country, see?
But Mr. Robinson, I understood that you had a collection of authentic paintings by Rembrandt, Renoir, and Degas.
Oh, sure, sure. I had those guys paint over the blueprints.
But Rembrandt, Renoir, and Degas, they're all dead.
Well, that's the idea. Dead men don't talk, see?
Now, Eddie, stop, Eddie.
Now don't butt me, see? Now don't get in my way. See, I'm hot as nails, see? You're gonna get hurt, see?
Please, I'm getting seasick.
Come here, come here, short, broad and... broad.
I'll teach you not to fool around with me, see? I'm gonna give you a little lesson as to how to behave, see?
Don't butt me.
This is gonna suck.
This is the movie Ebbingey Robinson. The movie Ebbingey Robinson, not the real Ebbingey Robinson.
What's the matter with you?
Well, everybody's picking on me.
All my life, I never had a chance. I used to be on Broadway, and I was a nice, quiet guy who minded his business, never gotten any trouble.
And then I went to Hollywood and I did a gangster picture.
And then all my troubles began. People avoided me. Children cried when I came into a room.
Hey, wait a minute. If I had known this was for the Academy Award, I'd have worn my tux and my suspenders.
Now, when I walked down the street, horses were bold.
It must be for the Rocketing Academy Award.
Oh, I just hated myself.
I hired a publicity man.
Really, now please don't laugh at me. I hired a publicity man to tell people that I was really a gentle man, but it worked too well.
And suddenly people began to push me around. The minute they knew I wasn't really tough, they took advantage of me.
So I gave that up and I tried to go back to being tough. And I was doing so well, too, until you hit me.
The humiliation of it, to be hit by a woman in public.
Tallulah, why did you do it? Now why, why did you do it?
I'll take a pound of that ham.
We'll be back in a moment, darling. Just as soon as I ring my time, visit NBC, the national broadcasting company.
The Bink Show.
This is the national broadcasting company Sunday Extravaganza with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
The Bink Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival, is brought to you by the makers of Anderson.
For fast relief from the pain of headache, Uranus and neuralgia.
And by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
The Bink stars on this program are Fred Allen, Bill Baker, Marlena Dietrich, Fortman Hoffa, Edward G. Robinson, Danny Thomas, Fran Warren,
Meredith Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus.
And every week, your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead.
Well, darling, here we are with the Big Show and a dipper full of stars.
The Big Dipper, of course.
I'm particularly thrilled over the impending appearance this evening of Marlena Dietrich.
Marlena Dietrich.
A magic name, which is synonymous throughout the world with beauty, charm, talent, glamour.
Of course, darling, you realize they hand me this stuff. I have to read it.
I don't know why they think she's so attractive, just because she has beautiful hair, a lovely face, a perfect figure, gorgeous legs.
I'll take 110 pounds of that.
Bill Baker.
Hello, Tallulah. It's really a pleasure to be... Which camera do I face?
Camera? Well, there are no cameras here, darling. This is not a television show. It's a radio show.
A radio show? So why did I wear my toupee?
Well, at least it looks nice.
See, I even fooled you, Tallulah. I don't really wear a toupee.
I know, darling. I was just joking. But I always thought they were worn in the center of the head.
Look, honey, I'll wear mine the way I like, and you wear yours the way you like.
Now, darling, what were we talking about before we started blowing our tops?
Well, I don't know why, but I had an idea. This was a television show. I'm sure I've seen you on television.
Aren't you the one who wears those low-cut gowns?
That's Emerson, darling. This is RCA.
Oh, I see.
But I'm sure I've seen you on television, Tallulah. I can't remember where, but... Oh, well, never mind.
But surely you must be thinking of going on television, Tallulah.
Well, to be very honest, Bill, I've been wrestling with the idea.
That's where I saw you wrestling.
Oh, I couldn't be a wrestler, darling.
Why not? You're a good enough actress.
Listen, Tallulah, believe me, television is for you, especially now.
The screens are getting larger and larger and larger.
And your check is getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
Look, Tallulah, it would be a cinch to convert this radio show into a TV show. I know just how to do it.
Well, I'm willing to try. Goodness knows I've tried everything else.
All right, I'll try TV, even if it kills me.
Well, we all have to go sometime.
What's the first step?
Well, as you know, in television, they don't use any scripts at all.
Why don't we just put our scripts aside for a while and see how it works?
All right.
Well, this is pretty dull. Nothing's happening.
Well, that's television.
Oh, but they must have something else.
Well, personally, I don't watch television very much. It sort of depresses me.
I used to look at those mystery shows. So many people get killed. It's all very sad.
Well, television is great for baseball. The Johns are my team.
I watched the Johns play all last summer.
Yes, it's all very sad. It really is.
Not this year, it won't be, brother.
But there's...
Huh? Come on, applaud, Jim.
I'm going to applaud.
I'm the only one glad to live on this show.
Was that a bad live?
I don't know, darling.
Yippee, you're really putting over this.
But there's one thing I do like on television.
What then?
They're getting some beautiful new actresses. They're so young and gorgeous.
Yes, it's all very sad.
Well, television isn't for me. I love the theater. It's vibrant. It's real.
It's a true expression of great art.
The theater doesn't limit you to the narrow space of a camera under hot lights,
leaving you to wonder if you're going to remember your lines
instead of reacting to your fellow players
and giving your character that third dimension,
so necessary to make it a living, breathing thing.
See what I mean, Phil?
Yeah, I don't photograph well either.
I think I'll stick to radio, where I'm doing very well.
Who said? Listen, what's so terrific about this show?
The comedians, magnificent dramatic actors, sensational singers.
What have you got in this program that you can't get in any Broadway show right now for $6.60?
Me, darling.
Well, I agree with you, Sylvia.
But with all that, you're still missing one element that would really make this a big show.
Oh, what's that, Phil?
Me, darling.
Well, it's been so long having you on this program, Phil.
I don't get it.
So, so long, darling. Happy unemployment insurance.
Ah, Toulouse, I didn't mean to get fresh.
It's just that I play the accordion, you know,
and after listening to this show for so many weeks
and now after meeting you in person,
I feel that you should have an accordion to support you.
Well, thank you, darling, but fortunately I can still get around by myself.
Believe me, Toulouse, the accordion would complement your voice.
Well, that would be a change around here.
Why does everyone folk-punish my voice?
I can't understand it.
I can't understand it either.
To me, you have a voice like any other normal American boy.
Play, Phil. Oops, sorry, wrong program.
Thank you, Toulouse. I'd like to play a tune I wrote especially for this program 20 years ago.
A great interlude. Would you like to hear it?
No, darling, but I'm sure that won't stop you.
I wrote this taut song on one of the saddest days of my life.
I was engaged to a lovely girl, but we had a quarrel.
I wrote this on the day the ring was returned.
She made me give it back.
She made me give it back.
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Very well said, Ed Hurley.
Hi.
Hurley Ho.
I had so much trouble with that darling man's name.
Now where were we?
Oh, yes, I was about to...
Hello, Tallulah.
Ah, hello, Fran.
Fran Mooring, darling.
How are you today, Fran, sweetie?
Oh, I'm very excited, Tallulah.
Yeah?
What with Marlene Dietrich on the show.
She's so glamorous.
I've heard that said about me, darling.
She's such an international celebrity.
I've heard that said about me, darling.
Who?
I remember she was my ideal when I was a child.
And I've heard that said about...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, darling.
You know, Tallulah, when I was a child, I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
And, Tallulah, with Marlene on the show, I knew we girls would have a lot of competition.
So I thought I'd dress very carefully today.
I really extended myself.
Darling, your extension is showing.
Besides, I wouldn't let Marlene Dietrich upset you.
She's just another glamorous, beautiful woman.
No, she doesn't bother me as long as you're here, Tallulah.
It's so reassuring to see your old face.
Now, just a moment, Fran Warren.
You're making it very difficult for us to remain friends.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Tallulah.
I didn't mean that at all.
I don't think you have an old face.
I don't think your face is as old as the rest of you.
No, no, I didn't mean that either.
Oh, I agree.
Fran, darling, you're probably wiser for both of us if the next time you opened your mouth,
it was to say to you.
What song do you have in mind?
Don't Take My Love From Me.
All right, darling, I won't if you'll stay.
Meredith, if you please, sir.
There's a star from out the sky and the sky is blue.
And a rose weeps too.
Take your heart away from mine and mine will soon fade.
My life is yours to take, so please keep that spark away.
Would you take the wings from birds so that they can't fly?
Would you take the oceans roar and leave just a sigh?
Oh, this my heart will let me do.
This is why I beg of you.
Don't take my love from me.
Would you take the wings from birds so that they can't fly?
Would you take the oceans roar and leave just a sigh?
Oh, this my heart will let me do.
This is why I beg of you.
Don't take your love from me.
Don't you ever take your love from me.
Well, you're in great voice today, Fran, and...
Hello, Tallulah, darling.
Is this a drag girl I see before me?
Darling, this Marlene Dietrich.
Oh, Marlene, Marlene, it's simply wonderful to see you again.
Thank you, Tallulah.
How long has it been?
I was thinking only this morning that I haven't seen you in 20...
Oh, careful, Marlene, darling, people are listening.
Weeks?
Oh, darling, weeks.
No, no.
Oh, Tallulah, after all these years, guess whom I met the other day?
Claude.
I ran into him on the street.
A heart, I trust.
Why, Tallulah, precious, he was so crazy about you.
Oh, no, Pat, it was you he was crazy about.
Of course not, darling.
Everybody knows he was crazy about you.
Well, now that I come to think of it, he was crazy about me.
Yes, he was crazy.
Yeah, isn't he sweet?
Dear old Claude, does he know that you're a grandmother now?
Oh, excuse me, darling, he knew you were a grandmother then, of course.
Ha ha ha, isn't he crazy?
Tell me, Tallulah, what's new?
I hear so little about you since you've hidden yourself away in radio.
Oh, come now, my Lennie, sweet, if you could read, you'd know that I just got a big spread in Collier's magazine this week.
Well, you need a big magazine, Tallulah.
Fortunately, I can still make the slimmer magazine.
As a matter of fact, Tallulah, I was just interviewed this morning by the Women's Home Companion.
Oh, are they changing the name to Old Women's Home Companion?
Now let's face it, darling, look at you.
Fault eyelashes, mascara, powder, rouge, lipstick.
Yes, darling, but the rest of it is all me.
Ha ha ha.
Now, look, what are we talking about?
Let's stop pretending and tell the truth.
There's no use denying it. I'm not quite as young as I used to be.
Everybody knows that I'm a mother, and now I'm a grandmother.
The silly idea women have that they must lie about their age is ridiculous.
I don't care if everybody knows how old I am.
You really mean that, my Lennie.
Of course, Tallulah.
Well then, darling, how old are you?
Thirty-two.
Thirty-two?
Now, just a minute, my Lennie, do you mean that you're only one year older than I am?
Now, look here, my Lennie.
My Lennie, my sweet, I happen to know that you have a daughter who's been married for a few years and has two children.
Isn't it amazing?
One day on her birthday, I turned around and there was my daughter, three years older than I am.
Now, darling, why don't we stop this stupid quarreling?
All right. Would you like me to do a number?
Ah, please do, my Lennie. You've performed such a miracle with numbers.
May I sing Falling in Love Again?
By all means, my Lennie, sing Falling in Love Again.
Why don't you sing it for us again, just the way you sang it 35 years ago?
Before you were born, darling.
Falling in love again, never wanted to.
What am I to do? I can't help it.
Love's always been my game, play it how I may.
I was made that way, I can't help it.
Men cluster to me like moths above the plains.
And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame.
Falling in love again, never wanted to.
What am I to do? I can't help it.
Men cluster to me like moths above the plains.
And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame.
Falling in love again, never wanted to.
What am I to do? I can't help it.
I can't help it.
Applause
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Thank you, Ed Hurley Hay.
Hurley Hi, Ho Ho.
Well, that takes care of the vowels.
I'll try the consonants.
Oh, Marlene, darling, I must tell you how divine your song was.
Thank you, Tallulah.
Such a wonderful way to lead into the commercial.
I have you know, Tallulah, that men have killed themselves after hearing me sing.
I'm sure of that, darling.
I die a little myself.
Well, we all have to go sometimes.
Say, speaking of going, I think I'll be going.
I've been wading through this script looking for a line or two for myself.
Why, Fred Allen.
Not even a joke line, mind you, just an ordinary old feed line would do.
Any line at all, a bread line.
Marlene's lines would do.
Say, as a matter of fact, Marlene's lines are perfect.
And besides, not that you girls need me to throw you a curve,
but I've noticed that Phil Baker had an accordion solo, Marlene Dietrich had a bronchial solo.
I would like to play a little clarinet solo.
I just happened to have my clarinet with me.
Why, of course, Fred.
Did you think I would do a show and neglect having you play your clarinet?
Well, frankly, yes, Tallulah.
Of course you can play.
Oh, goody, what a night for music lovers.
May I begin?
Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys.
Edward G. Robinson, darling, what is it?
I'm looking for some lines myself.
See, if everybody's doing a solo, I want to do one too, see.
But Eddie, darling, what instrument do you play?
I don't play any instrument, but I carry a violin case, see.
That might be odd, a machine gun solo.
Well, when do we get to it?
Wait, wait a minute, how about me, fellas?
Ed Herlihy, you a soloist too?
Well, we all have to go sometime.
Me a solo first, darling, and then Fred and Ed, they'll follow, huh?
Oh, thank you, Tallulah.
All I wanted to say was that this portion of the program was brought to you by the makers of Anison
for fast relief from pain of headache, urinitis, and neuralgia,
and by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
You're soloing quite well, Ed Herlihy.
Now, Eddie Robinson, what did you have in mind?
Spread out, you guys, see. I'm taking over with the station break, see.
Oh, are you still doing that imitation of Edward G. Robinson?
You know, Eddie, you and I are probably the two most widely imitated people in the whole world.
Oh, is she imitating me now too?
No, darling, but I am. Watch this.
Ready with your clarinet, Fred?
Lips a kimbo, Tallulah.
All right, you guys, I'm taking over, see.
Now, get this, see. This is NBC.
National broadcasting company.
Buzzing
This is the big show, where tonight the glamorous Tallulah trades darlings with the fabulous Marlene.
The score at the half, Marlene of 32, Tallulah 31.
Ages, that is. It's like golf, darlings.
Low score wins.
For...
Danny Thomas.
Oh, please, stop. Oh, please. Oh, thank you.
Please, please, no applause, no applause.
With all that applause, it sets up a big wind, I'll catch a cold and wind up sounding like Tallulah Bankhead.
Danny, darling, I've been wondering when you were coming back to us.
Yes, I remember I was here for the birth of this show. Mine, you should excuse the expression, weeks ago.
And you were a big hit then, Danny. What have you been doing, darling?
Well, I've been out in the great and glorious west, Tallulah.
And as the native son of the Golden West, I kind of noticed that there ain't been nothing said about Texas in the past hour.
So I'd like to sing for you a little western song.
But didn't you once tell me that you came from Toledo, Ohio?
Originally, Tallulah, but when I was a little boy, my parents emigrated from Toledo, Ohio and came to this country.
And then they settled in the west.
To me, it's the greatest place in the whole world.
And that's why I'd like to sing for you a western song.
A little song that was doing right smart before Bing Crosby came along and made a record, never.
I reckon he didn't hurt anyone.
That's western talk, man.
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam.
How'd you like to have a buffalo walk right into your living room?
It's the craziest song I've ever sang in my whole life.
Give me a home where the buffalo roam.
There's more yet, where the deer and the antelope play.
What an awful looking living room you'd have after they got thrown out.
I'd come here tonight representing the west.
I think it's an insult writing these kind of songs, Tallulah.
It's terrible.
The fellows that write these songs haven't been far the west than Passaic, New Jersey.
What is that other crazy song that Vaughan Monroe sang for over a year?
They stole it from a lost Semitic tribe to begin with.
Get a load of these words, will ya?
An old cowpoke went riding out when dark and windy day.
Then he came to rest upon a ridge as he went on his way.
When all at once the mighty herd of flying cows he saw.
That bum must have been tighter than a hood owl.
Mighty herd of cows flying in the sky, snorting fire with hooves as deep.
I like that other line, their hot breath he could feel.
If they ever got a whiff of his they'd a keel over for sure.
Yippee yi yi, yippee yi yi.
They stole this song, brother.
What, is it so hard to write a song about the west?
It's all there.
The subject matter is clear and plain and beautiful.
The fellow just takes the time and the trouble to visit the west and spends some time there.
I reckon if I were one given to making pretty speeches,
I'd go to work and turn around and say to you,
the west is my home, mother nature.
For splenid in her God-given regalia, for the mountains and the valleys,
for rocks and the rills and the streams and prairie and ranch country,
there's no place like the west.
And there isn't a man, regardless of his creed, even if he didn't have one,
that's ever stood upon the precipice of the Grand Canyon
and has not been forced to exclaim in complete gratitude and wonderment,
thank God.
And there's a bus leaving in fifteen minutes.
Of course, I know what you're going to say if you're a dyed-in-a-wool Easterner,
a typical cosmopolite.
Especially if you're from Manhattan, I can quote you.
New Yorker.
What's with that west mole?
What is that, I read it.
What are you hacking me with the west?
That means what are you chopping me with the west?
I'm the kind of guy that likes to bet a horse, spin the wheel, shake the dice.
Give me the west, you could die a slow death out there.
Well, if there's anybody listening that comes under that category,
I got news for you.
They're waiting for you in Las Vegas, Nevada.
You think you're a betting man, get out to Las Vegas.
They'll bet you how the wind is going to blow next day and give you your choice of direction.
I never got both feet off the train my first trip.
When some tough-looking hombre walked up to me, he cased me for a split.
He said, hold it, Flicker, two to one, you're dead.
Would you believe it, I was afraid to bet.
I mean, there was one bet I couldn't afford to lose.
I had my first meal in Las Vegas with seven other men, sort of family style.
I nudged the fella sitting next to me.
I said, would you pass a slice of bread to help me?
I caught him dealing from the bottom of the loaf.
It's just a snide hint there'd be a game of poker any minute.
Well, to little, the hint was good, the game was on.
Five card draw.
I got to thinking, shucks, five card a baby can play that game.
Of course, baby don't win, you understand?
They can play if you want.
This baby didn't win either.
Win when I tell you a royal flush wasn't good enough.
You've got a rough idea of what kind of game this was.
What do you think beat my royal flush?
A hand called Timbuktu.
I never heard of it either.
Timbuktu, a pair of deuces and seven, eight, nine a club.
And a six shooter about that long.
I was in no mood for arguing with new rules.
I played along.
I finally caught the dangest hand I ever saw on five card poker.
Six queens.
You hear laughing, I threw them in, I didn't even bet.
And it's a dang good thing I didn't, the fellow next to me had six kings.
He come in third.
By about four o'clock in the morning, I'll be dag blasted if I didn't catch Timbuktu myself.
And I'd bet it, brother, every last dollar lost to a pair of fours.
Same size six shooters.
The fellow was nice about it.
He said, I'm sorry, Bob, Timbuktu is good only once a night.
That ain't the part of the West I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the ranch country.
Places out in Texas.
Big, broad expanse of land.
Stained by them crisscross whitewash lorries.
Just such a ranch used to ride out to.
Visiting with a friend of mine who was a rooting, tooting, shooting pioneer of the West.
A man by the name of Hopper Long, Manny Shevitt.
The fellow had a moxiball plantation.
I'll never forgive it.
I was out with Manny Shevitt one day just to see how the moxiballs were mottin'.
I was riding what you might call a polite horse every time we came to a fence to let me go over first.
Never had so much fun in my whole life.
That's the country I'm talking about.
And if I were asked to sing a Western song,
I reckon it'd be the kind of a song that my accompanist, Walter Popp, wrote.
It's a pretty song about the West.
I'm sorry I have to be the one to sing it for you, but I'm the only one who knows the words.
Now, let's make it pretty.
How I love to sing
About the wonders of the Golden Well.
For I just love to sing
All about my home
About the mountain high
And the valleys that I loved were there
And her purple sky
I could write a tone
I swear nowhere is there such beauty
And brother you can bet
That's why the sun shows it
As the place to set
I love to sing
About the glory of the Golden Well
For I just love to sing
All about my home
I love to sing
About Texas
That's my home
Ah, thank you, Danny, darling. That was a wonderful routine.
I agree, Tallulah.
Oh, Danny, I wish you'd been at this New Year's Eve party I went to. We could have used some entertainment.
Listen, Eddie, if you wanted entertainment, you should have come to my New Year's Eve party.
Everybody was there. It was real high society.
You know, Dukes and Counts, the Whitney's, the Vanderbilt's, the Rockefellers.
That's a ritzy crowd you travel with, Phil.
I travel with a ritzy crowd all the time. They call me all the time, Tallulah.
And I love to go because they're really very democratic people.
Why, do you know something? After the party, they even invited the drummer, the violinist, and me to eat with the guests.
Well, I went to a party in Hollywood at the Coleman's.
You know, Ronald Coleman and his wife, Benita, and all the Hollywood people came.
Actors, directors, comedians.
There was a very funny fellow there. I understood, I understand he lives next door to the Coleman's.
They had to serve early dinner because of him.
At about five minutes of seven, he got up from the table, left the nickel tip, and ran like mad.
Said he had to be somewhere at seven.
I guess he didn't want to miss your show, Tallulah.
A nickel tip with all his jack?
I was at a lovely party in New Year's.
Oh, really, Marlena? Who was there?
Well, let me see. There was a Mr. Barry and a Mr. Harvey, Mr. Harris, Mr. Joyce, Mr. Brown, Mr. Benson.
Now, just a moment, darling. All men, what kind of a party was this that you went to?
I didn't go to the party, Tallulah. I gave it.
Well, no wonder when I announced we were going to be on the program.
I got letters of protest this week from Mrs. Barry and Mrs. Harvey and Mrs. Harris and Mrs. Joyce and Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Benson.
Oh, Tallulah?
Yes, Meredith.
I had a wonderful New Year's Eve. Rene and I.
Oh, dear.
Rene used to be a girl, but she's now Mrs. Wilson.
Get to the point, darling.
Well, sir, Miss Bankhead?
Yes.
We sat around New Year's and listened to a wonderful recording of the song I wrote for the big show.
Oh?
May the good Lord bless and keep you.
Eddie Arnold just made it for RCA, and it's such a great record that I could listen to it hour after hour.
I'm sure you could.
You know, you can play it 5,742 times before the record wears out.
I'm sure you did.
Danny, what did you do New Year's Eve?
Oh, I went to a kind of a strange party, Tallulah. It was given by one of the vice presidents of this network.
What do you mean, strange?
Well, at 12 o'clock, instead of singing all anxiety, he made us all stand up and sing,
Oh, NBC, the gem of the ocean.
NBC, the gem of the ocean? Don't you mean?
Wrong network, Tallulah.
Tallulah?
Yes, Fran?
I went to a party and had a wonderful time. Everybody was so gay, and I kept singing carol after carol.
I had a great time, darling, at a New Year's Eve party, carols for Christmas.
That's when the party started.
Oh, Miss Bankhead? Miss Bankhead?
Yes, Rochester?
Oh, wrong city.
Wrong network again, Tallulah.
Miss Bankhead, we just wanted to thank you for inviting us to your party on New Year's Eve.
Yes.
Did you have a nice time, darling?
Oh, we had a double George time, Tallulah. Where were you?
Darling, Fred, I never go to my own. I give such girl parties.
But I might just as well have stayed home. I went to one of those impossible New Year's Eve dances.
It was, well, Dorothy Parker must have been to a dance of her sort at some time or another,
because she captured it so perfectly in her amusing little piece, The Waltz.
You know, darling, you're standing there, the music starts.
And a man comes up, dance? Ah, that's me out of the door too.
Now, what did I say that for? I don't want to dance with this character.
I don't want to dance with anybody. Even if I did, it wouldn't be with this one.
I've seen the way he dances. He looks like the MC of a nightmare.
Just think, not ten minutes ago, when I was sitting there with my heart bleeding for the poor dame he was dancing with.
Now I'm elected. Well, well, isn't it a small world?
And you can have it too. A little dreamboat of a world.
Its events are so unpredictable, are they not?
There was I, minding my own business, not harming a living soul.
And then this dopey Don Juan has to come into my life.
All smiles and city manners pursue me for the favor of one passionate poker,
who I scarcely knows my name, let alone what it stands for.
It stands for despair, bewilderment, futility, mayhem, manslaughter and assorted murder,
cooperated and unincorporated. But little does he want. I won't wot his name either.
I haven't the faintest idea what it is. Dukes would be my guest when I look in his eyes.
How do you do, Mr. Dukes? And how is that dear little brother of yours with the two heads?
What will you say when a man asks you to dance with him?
I most certainly will not dance with you. You think you'll drop dead first?
Why, thank you. I'd like to, awfully, but I'm about to throw a fit.
Oh yes, yes, do let's dance together. It's so nice to meet a man who isn't a scatty cat about catching my very very.
No, there was nothing for me to do but say I'd adore it.
Well, we might as well get it over with.
Now I know how fun it feels on moving day.
Okay, cannonball. Let's run out on the field. You won the toss, you lead.
Huh? Oh, I think it's mobile waltz, really, isn't it?
Well, we might just listen to the music a second, huh, shall we?
Oh yes, here's a waltz. Mine? I'm simply thrilled. I'd love to waltz with you.
I'd love to waltz with you. I'd love to have my tonsils out.
I'd love to be hit on the head with an atomic bomb.
Well, it's too late now. I'm trapped like a trap in a trap.
We're underway. Why didn't I ask him to sit this out?
He'll be sitting on the floor and then the biz keeps up.
It's a good thing I warned him this is a waltz.
I bet if I told him this is a lumber, we'd have made a touchdown in Times Square.
Why does he always want to be somewhere that he isn't?
Why can't we stay long enough in one place to get to know the neighbors
with this constant rush, rush, rush, rush, rush, rush, rush,
the curse of American life?
That's the reason we're all...
Ah!
You'll have to kick, you idiot.
Oh, my poor little shin. My poor little shin.
I've had it ever since I was a little girl.
Oh no, no, no, goodness, no, it didn't hurt the least bit.
And anyway, it was my fault.
It was, it was, it was really, it was really, it was really...
Oh, now you're just being sweet to say that.
It really was all my fault.
I wonder what I should do.
Throttle him this instant with my naked hands.
I'll let him have a stroke and drop in his tracks.
Maybe it's best not to make a scene.
I guess I'll just lie low and let him burn himself out.
You can't keep this up indefinitely. He's only human.
Well, I wonder.
I don't want to be the over-sensitive type.
But you can't tell me that kick was un-former-tative.
When it comes to kicking, I am outraised womanhood.
The new kick me in the shin smile.
I bet he grew up in the hill country.
I bet they had to throw him on his back to get his shoes on.
What? Oh, no, it's lovely. No, it's simply lovely.
It's the loveliest walk I ever heard, isn't it?
Yes, I think it's lovely, too.
Eh, sure.
I bet he'll be a nice little friend to me if I have to spend the next two years in a plastic cast.
Well, he wants to live forever.
Dance, little gypsy, dance while he can.
I wonder if the band leader shoots you when you break a leg.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Oh, he's all right, thank goodness.
For a while I thought they'd have to carry him off the field.
Oh, I couldn't bear to have anything happen to him.
Ah! Get off!
I ain't a step-fee hulking peasant.
What do you think I am, anyway, a gangplank? Ah!
Oh, no, no! Of course it didn't hurt a bit.
Why, it didn't hurt a bit.
Honestly, it was all my fault.
You see, that little step of yours, well, it's perfectly lovely,
but it's just a tiny bit tricky to follow at first.
Oh, did you work it up yourself?
You really did? Well, aren't you amazing?
Oh, no, no, no, no. Now I think I've got it.
Oh, no, I think it's lovely.
Yes, I was watching you dancing before.
It's awfully effective when you look at it.
It's awfully effective when you look at me, too, I bet.
I must look like something out of the fall of the House of Usher.
This sort of thing takes a fearful toll on a woman in my condition.
And he worked up this little step himself,
he and his degenerate cunning.
Well, I'm past all feeling now.
I didn't know what trouble was until I got drawn into this dance, my carb.
I think, I think my mind's beginning to wander.
It almost seems if the music was stopping.
Oh, it couldn't be a cause.
No, the governor refused to sign the reprieve.
What? Stop?
Oh, they have stopped, the mean thing.
They're not going to play anymore?
Oh, you darling, do you really think they would?
You really think so, if you gave them $20?
Oh, that would be lovely.
And look, do tell them to play the same thing.
I'd simply adore to go on waltzing.
APPLAUSE
Well, darlings, that approximates my New Year's Eve.
And what a New Year's Day, soaking my head and my feet.
Luckily, I didn't sit out too many dances.
Tallulah, I liked your one side of the little story, a monologue, I believe they call it.
Yes.
And I noticed that you are the only one who gets to do a monologue on this show.
But I'm afraid that I'm going to have to burst that little bubble tea.
It's very entertaining hearing your side of the evening,
but have you ever considered what your partner was thinking?
I don't believe he could, darling.
Well, I think Fred's right, Tallulah.
You know, you women always think you're getting the worst of it from the war between the sexes,
but I'd hate to be able to read your partner's mind.
Say, just as a lark, Tallulah, would you consider it de rigueur?
They want to Hildegard's writers as their description.
Ah!
LAUGHTER
Would you be upset if we tried to reconstruct the scene from the Fowler side?
I smell a monologue coming up, but go ahead.
I'll try not to listen. Don't listen to this girl.
Portland, put your hand over your ears.
Now, you two friends, Marlena?
Yes, Tallulah?
Be an old ear, darling, and don't listen to this.
You put your hands over your hearing aid.
LAUGHTER
I disconnected it while you were dancing, Tallulah.
What did you say, darling?
I disconnected it while you were dancing.
Now, go to it, friend, Eddie.
We fellas are with you, right, Danny?
Yeah, you can count me in.
Count you in, okay. How about you, Meredith?
Fellas against the girls.
Okay, I'll do it.
Goodbye, Rene, who used to be Mrs. Wilson.
A little music, Meredith, if you don't mind.
MUSIC
Well, Fred.
Yeah, Eddie?
See anything you like?
Oh...
LAUGHTER
I don't know. They're not getting as sharp a crowd as they used to here at Roseland.
LAUGHTER
And the music's louder, too. Notice?
Yeah, there are only two left that aren't dancing.
Which one do you like?
Well, how about the mousy one with the neon sign on her back that lights up and spells Tallulah?
LAUGHTER
I'd rather...
I'd rather dance with that truck driver.
He looks nicer.
Oh, shoot, somebody's got him.
I'll have to dance with her.
MUSIC
Dance?
Get a load of that voice.
LAUGHTER
Oh, brother. That's who she sounds like, my brother.
LAUGHTER
What are they playing? It's a waltz, Miss.
They're playing a waltz, but this kid's doing the Big Apple.
LAUGHTER
And she's the type that leads.
LAUGHTER
Uh, what's that? My name? It's Jukes. Fred Jukes.
My family makes all of those boxes you see around in Paris.
LAUGHTER
No, no, no, I'm not married.
No, I've never been married.
Yes, I'm single.
Yes, I've thought about getting married if the right girl came along.
Oh, what a grip on this kid.
LAUGHTER
She's clutching me like men are going out of style.
LAUGHTER
She's so hard to push around, too.
She must have lead in her wedgies or something.
LAUGHTER
Maybe it's her makeup. That makeup she's wearing must weigh as much as she does.
LAUGHTER
I almost feel like I'm dancing with her and Max Factor.
LAUGHTER
See, there must be some way I can get rid of this dame.
Maybe I ought to kick her in the shins.
I think I will kick her in the shins.
The way she's dancing, it'll look like an accident.
But how can I kick her? She's standing on both of my feet.
LAUGHTER
She must have a sideline selling corn plaster.
LAUGHTER
Look through the window. It's getting light outside.
We're the only couple left.
Everybody else is gone, but the music is still playing.
I thought I saw her slip that band leader 20 bucks.
No, I'm sorry, Miss. No, no, really, I have to be going.
No, it's almost morning. Where am I going?
Well, I have to get in line at the unemployment insurance office.
LAUGHTER
What? Why do I need unemployment insurance?
Because I'm out of radio.
Why am I out of radio? I can't hear myself think.
If only that music wasn't so loud.
So you want to know why I'm out of radio, eh?
Well, I'll tell you why I'm out of radio, Miss. Stop the music.
That's why.
APPLAUSE
Fred, that was divinely insane.
I hope you're not angry, Tallulah.
Oh, no, but I loved every moment of it. It was very charming.
And there's just one thing. I wonder what happened to that friend of yours, the dance, the part Eddie played.
Oh, that guy, he wound up going out with the boys.
With the boys. What fun is that?
Oh, he was at that party with Mr. Barry, Mr. Harvey, Mr. Benson, Mr. Harris, Mr. Joyce, Mr. Brown.
Marlene, I don't know how you do it. How do you manage to keep so many men interested?
I make such good wiener schnitzel.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I think so too.
Well, it must be something else, darling, because Betty Crocker comes to me for cupcake lessons.
LAUGHTER
Let's be honest, Tallulah, darling. No matter what, a better cook than you am I.
Ah, come now, Marlene, my precious. Everybody knows that I can do anything better than you can.
You must be joking, Tallulah.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
I can do anything better than you.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
Oh, no, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
You're pressing, darling.
LAUGHTER
I can do that better too.
LAUGHTER
Any age you can be, I can be younger.
Oh, I can be younger than you'll ever be.
Thirty-two.
Thirty-one.
Twenty-five.
Twenty-three.
Twenty-one.
Nineteen and a half, eighteen and a half, six and a half.
Is that your age, darling, or your shoe size?
LAUGHTER
I can fill a sweater.
I can fill a sweater.
I am known for glamour.
I am known for glamour.
I can do most anything.
Can you pronounce Ed Hurley hee-hie?
No.
Now, then, I...
LAUGHTER
Any note you can sing, I can sing lower.
I can sing any note lower than you.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
Yes, I can.
Many brave hearts are asleep in the beat.
So be well, be...
Step aside, Buster.
LAUGHTER
You're a hee-hee.
Thank you, my dear darling, for coming to our show
and permitting us to toss you around the way we did.
You've been an absolute angel.
We hope you'll all be with us next week
when our stars will be Louis Calhurn,
Jack Carter, Florence Desmond,
Jim Adurante, Martha Ray, Fran Warren and others,
and, of course, Meredith Wilson
and his big show, Orchestra and Chorus.
Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you
whether near or far away, Fran.
May you find that long-awaited golden day today.
Edward.
May your numbers all be small ones
and your fortunes ten times ten.
Bye, later.
May the good Lord bless and keep you
till we meet again.
Portland.
May you walk with sunlight shining
and a bluebird in every tree.
Meredith.
May there be a silver lining
back of every cloud you see.
Phil.
Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows
never mind what might have been.
Fred.
May the good Lord bless and keep you
till we meet again.
Danny.
May you walk with sunlight shining
and a bluebird in every tree.
May there be a silver lining
back of every cloud you see.
Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows
never mind what might have been.
May the good Lord bless and keep you
until we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you
till we meet, till we meet again.
Good night, darlings.
Listen to the big show next Sunday
when we'll have with us
Louis Calhurn, Jack Carter,
Forrest Tessman, Jimmy Durante,
Martha Ray and others.
Fran Warren, Meredith Wilson
and the big show orchestra
and forrest and as always
the glamorous, unpredictable
Tallulah Bankhead.
The big show is directed and produced
by Dee Engelbach
and written by Goodman A. Selma Diamond,
George Foster, Mort Green
and Frank Wilson.
Listen to Joseph Cotton
and Theatre Guild on NBC.