You are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business. For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as... Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Portland Harper, Dennis King, Beatrice Lilly, Loris Merkel, Ed Wynn, the West Point Choir, Meredith Wilson, and my name darling is Tallulah Bankhens. The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show. The Big Show, ninety minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the world. The Big Show, ninety minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world. Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of MDP's All-Star Festival. And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhens. Well darling, a special show train brought our audience to see The Big Show. More than three thousand people came from and on the New Haven Railroad show train from Boston, Providence, Westinley, Hartford, Berlin, Meliden, Wallingford, New Haven, Bridgeport, Bridgeport, Westport, and Soggertuck, Norwalk, and South Norwalk, Darien, New London, and Stanford. Oh! And they're all here for an evening of laughs. Except two hundred and forty-three daily commuters who got off the train from force of habit and went to their offices. At Bridgeport you're not laughing, are you? These show trains are something new in show business. It used to be I would take a play to a theater in Boston. Now they bring Boston to me. Wait, when did she start fogging? Oh, what did you do about a show train? Well that's the trouble with a woman MC. But when do we get on the show? Well who knows, maybe she'll wave a green lantern. Yeah, where is the green lantern? Well the way that she turns around it's usually on the caboose. You know. There are Alan Jack Carson and Ed Wynn. Applause Did you hear what I was just saying, fellas? A whole train full of people coming from as far away as Boston just to see this show. Isn't it exciting? Well, isn't it? Are you gentlemen from Bridgeport? Tell her off, Jack. You leave it to me Fred, I can handle these birds. So you got an audience that came in on a show train. Big deal. You can't get an audience any other way, you railroad people into the theater. Laughter How's that, Fred? Good boy, Jack. Thank you. But Fred, darling, think of it. Three thousand people came here on a train just for this program. Tell Lula, it just goes to show you what people will do to get away from television. Laughter Oh, that was so good, Fred. I like that, what you just said. Well, thanks Ed, it's your turn. You get in there and tell her. Oh, I say, Michelle, I don't see what's so exciting about a show train. It's not a new idea, you know. No? Well, ten years ago I opened a show of mine in Boston. And twelve hundred people got up in the middle of the Frey Saks and took a train to New York. Laughter You fellows, yes, yes, yes, I forgot that wasn't silly. Anyway, however... You fellows just can't stand a woman being in a Mississippi's television and the biggest show on radio. Are you kidding? I'm through with radio. I've been promoted to television. Secondly, me too. I graduated out of radio long ago into television. Well, I've even graduated out of television. Laughter I'm in a new medium, social security. Laughter Why don't you fellows stop? I have seen you on television. Or should that be, I've seen you on television, why don't you fellows stop? Laughter So, Lula, what's the use of arguing? You know deep down in your larynx that all you can do with a radio is listen. But in television you can see a lot of action. I can see more action looking out of my window. Across the street there's plenty of action. And they don't stop every two minutes for a commercial. Laughter Well, they say they do commercials better on television, Tallulah. They say they do them better than they do on radio. When they fry a steak on television, you can actually smell it. That one's too easy, darling. I won't take advantage of it. Laughter Come on, Fred, you get in there and tell her. Well, I don't know much about television, but I would like to say a few words in favor of social security. Laughter And all I have to say to you, Tallulah, is you should live so long. Laughter Oh, thank you, darling. That's the youngest I've been on this program in months. And I hope all of you live long enough to see an act like this presented on television. It's the West Point Choir singing the Choir. A hundred and eighty cadets in full dress, brass buttons, white gloves. Get that on your television screen. And all in one act. That's right, darling, and I've met every one of them personally. Laughter Sometimes it seems a shame to take the money on the show. Laughter All right, gentlemen, I want you to meet alphabetically cadets Al, Alderman, Andrews, Atlam, Albertan. Applause Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Choir singing the Choir Applause Wheeler, Wilson, Lipson, Dupont. There, I've mentioned every one of those cadets. What a wonderful day. Well, yes, they're all right for girls. For girls, they're all men. What's better for men than girls? Bridgeport, you're not laughing. And only a snicker from Westport and Westport, I could have gone to Westport, but I chose Banford instead. Banford, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You'll be back. Sure, I'd still be there if I hadn't tried out for the swimming scene. Well, Jack, darling, you could never stand the rigors of Westport. Now, look, those boys told me that every morning they hiked, they grilled, they marched, all that before breakfast. So what? Look at me this morning. Must die, darling. I woke at 6, jumped out of bed, opened the front door, or picked up the newspaper with one hand, two bottles of milk and a pint of cream with the other and didn't drop a thing. What's so tremendous about that? No strength in my pajamas. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. A bridge force that was no time to love. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Bill, um, I'd like to ask you a question. Yes, Doug. Yes. Yes. Don't answer until I ask you. Ha ha. How about you and me going out after the show, huh? Going out where, darling? Well, we could go anywhere. The Stork Club or, uh, my apartment. Or to El Morocco or... my apartment. Or to 21? Or my apartment? I heard the apartment, Jack. You said it three times. I have a three room apartment. You? Ha ha. If I got it all, Jack, I'd prefer going to the colony for dinner than to the theater and then to a night bar for some dancing. Oh, hello. That sounds wonderful. Look, you do that and I'll meet you at my apartment after. Ha ha ha. You must be joking. Bridgeport doesn't seem to agree with you. Ha ha ha. Well, here's somebody Bridgeport will agree with. My favorite actor just walked into the theater. One of Broadway's greatest, Mr. Dennis King. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. At the Goldmore Theater here in New York, darlings, the new play is providing great excitement. The play is Billy Budd, Lewis Cox and R.H. Chapman's dramatization of Herman Melville's classic novel of the sea. We are privileged to hear a scene from that play now, starring Dennis King and Billy Budd. ["Billy Budd's Overture"] ["Billy Budd's Overture"] ["Billy Budd's Overture"] Billy Budd is the story of a young English seaman pressing to service aboard ATMS Indomitable, a British warship at sea against the French in the year 1798. It is not an ordinary story of war at sea, but of the subtle conflict between a man of natural goodness and simplicity and a petty tyrant of unnatural evil, alive with the merciless dictate of naval discipline. Billy Budd's violent reaction to injustice has resulted in the death of his tormentor. In Ireland, he awaits the verdict of the court martial being held in Captain Veer's cabin. Captain Veer, having witnessed the killing, highly sympathetic to Billy Budd's cause, feeling for him as he would for his own son, is forced nevertheless to intervene in the court martial as senior officer of the King, responsible to the Admiralty for the carrying out of naval law. As the scene opens, Captain Veer, portrayed by Dennis King, takes a hand in the deliberations of his junior officer. Have you anything to say, Mr. Radcliffe? Yes, sir. Claggett was killed because Budd couldn't speak. In the sense that he stammers, he's a cripple. You don't hang a man for that. He's speaking the only way he could. Mr. Wyatt? If we condemn him, it's the same thing as condoning the lie the Master-at-Arms clearly told. I'd have struck him too. Good. Then, gentlemen, as we agree, we can reach a verdict at once. Just a moment, gentlemen. Yes, Captain Veer. Hitherto I've been a witness at this trial no more, and I hesitate to interfere except at this clear crisis you ignore one fact we cannot close our eyes to. With your pardon, sir, as a senior member of this court, I must ask if you now act as our commanding officer or as a private man. As convening authority, Mr. Seymour, I summon this court. I must review its findings and approve them before they go to the Admiralty. Aye, aye, sir. That is your right. No right? Which of us here has rights? This is my duty, and I must perform it. Budd has killed a man, his superior officer. We have found a verdict, sir. Seymour, I know that. But we are not free to choose as though we were private citizens. The Admiralty has its code. You think it cares who Budd is, who you and I are? We don't forget it, sir, but surely Claggett's tales were simply lies. We've established that. Aye, but the mutinies of last year were brute facts and must not come again. If the men should think we're afraid... Captain, how could they? They certainly know Budd is no mutineer. Of course not. Since he came on board, he's done more to keep the crew in hand than any of us. That's true. The men took naturally to him. As officers, we are concerned to keep this ship effective as a weapon. And the law says what we must do in such a case as this. Now, come, you know the facts and the mutiny acts provisioned. At sea, in time of war, an enlisted man strikes his superior officer, and the blow is fatal. The mere blow alone would hang him. Well, then the men on board know that, as well as you and I. And we acquit him. The men have sense. They know the penalty to follow, and yet it does not follow. But they know Budd, sir, and Claggett too, I dare say. Would they not applaud the decision that frees Budd? They would thank us. String him to a yard arm, and they'll turn around and rescue him, and string us up instead. Aye, that's the point. It's twice as dangerous to hang the boys it would be to let him go. If there's a mutinous temper in the crew, sir, condemning Budd would surely set it off. That is possible. Whatever step we take, the risk is great, but it is ours. That is what makes us officers. If by our lawful rigor mutiny comes, there is no blame for us. But if in fear, miscalled a kind of mercy, we pardon Budd against specific order, and then the crew revolt, how culpable and weak our verdict would appear. What shame to us, and what a deadly blow to discipline. I concede that, sir, but this case is exceptional. And pity if we are men is bound to move us, Captain. So am I moved. Yet we cannot have warm hearts betraying heads that should be cool. In such a case, ashore, an upright judge does not allow the pleading tears of women to touch his nature. Here at sea, the heart, the female in a man, weeps like a woman. She must be ruled out, hard though it may be. Still silent. Conscience, perhaps. Your private conscience is moving. Aye, that's it, sir. How can we condemn this man and live at peace again within ourselves? We have our standards, ethics, if you like. You all feel I can see that in intent the boy is innocent. Does that count for nothing? His whole attitude, his motive, count for nothing? If his intent were intent or non-intentive, but is nothing to the purpose. In a court more merciful than Marshal's, it would extenuate and shall, at the last of sizes, set him free. But here we have these alternatives only. Condemn or let go. But it seems to me we've got to consider the problem as a moral one, sir, despite the fact that we are not moralists. The trager told you his lie. The case immediately went beyond the scope of military justice. I too feel that. But do these gold stripes across our arms attest that our allegiance is to nature? To the king, sir. I rat this. And though the sea be the element whereon we move and have our being assailant, is our official duty hence to nature? No. So little is there true that we resign our freedom when we put this on. And when war is declared, are we the fighters commissioned to destroy consulted first? What bitter salt leagues move between our codes and God's own judgment? We have conscripted everyone, upright in this uniform of flesh. There is no truth to war born in the womb. We fight at command. All I know is that I can't sit by and see Bud hang. I say we fight by order, by command of our superiors, and our duty lies in this, that we are servants only. The Admiralty doesn't want service like that. What good would it do? Who'd profit by Bud's death? Dear, deny us the right to act like men. You want to make us murderers? Wyatt, control yourself. What is this vessel you serve in, Wyatt? An arc of peace? Go count a gun. Then tell your conscience to lie quiet if you can. But that is war. This would be downright killing. It's all war, Ratcliffe. War to the death for all of us. Now you see that, Seymour? That this war began before our time. And will end long after it. Couldn't we mitigate the penalty if we convict? No, Ratcliffe, the penalty is prescribed. Oh, I'd like to think it over, Captain. I realize the private conscience moves you and I onward. But here we have the Mutiny Act for justice. No child can own a closer, tighter parent than can that act to what it stems from. War. War has no business with anything but services. War's child, the Mutiny Act, is featured like the father. Aye, sir. Could you stand Bud's murder on your conscience? Wyatt, hold your tongue. What do you want of us? Let him speak. I won't bear a hand to hang a man I know is innocent. My blood's not cold enough. I can't give the kind of judgment you want to force on us. I ask to be excused from sitting upon this board. You know what you're saying. Sit down and hold your tongue. The kind of judgment I ask of you is only this, Wyatt. That you recognize your function in this ship. Can't you see that you must first strip off the uniform you wear and after that your flesh before you can escape the catered issue here? Decide you must, Wyatt. We are the law. Law orders us to act and shows us how. Do you imagine Seymour or Ratcliffe or I would not save this boy if he could see a way consistent with our duties? Quit Bud if you can. Show us how to save him without putting aside our function. Or if you can't do that, teach us how to put by our responsibility and not betray ourselves. Can you do this? Speak, man, speak. Show us how. Save him, Wyatt, and you save us all. You recognize the logic of the choice I force upon you. But do not think me pitiless in this demanding sentence on a luckless boy. I feel as you do for him, but even more, I feel there is a grace of soul in him that shall forgive the law we bind him with and pity us stretched upon the cross of choice. Well, gentlemen, will you decide? Gentlemen, have you reached a decision? He is condemned, sir. So be it. All is best for you, dear darling, till we fall. Dennis King, our congratulations on the stirring performance and the scene from your new Broadway success, Billy Budd. And thanks also to Martin Blaine, Horace Brim, and Gerald Moore, who so ably assisted you. Dennis, darling, I'm so glad you were able to come over for me tonight. Don't think no more about it, Hulure. I came the moment I got your call. Ah, you're so sweet. And while you're here, Dennis, darling, may I ask one more? No, please don't degrade yourself, Hulure, by asking me. I'd be only too happy to do it. I do what? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to appear on this benefit for Miss Bankhead, who has been absent from the Broadway stage for lo these many... Benefits? Benefits of whom? Courage, my dear, courage, courage, courage, darling. I know it's a harsh word, but it's no reflection on you as an artist. At some point in our careers, we must all face the vegetabels of the... the vagaries of the tears. I can't pronounce it either. The vicissitudes of fortune. But Dennis, I am not faking anything. I know, my darling. The future always seems bleak at a time like this, now, cut it. Now, ladies and gentlemen, in raising this son tonight for an artist, whom I imagine many of you are too young to remember, I appeal to you as an old friend of Miss Bankhead, or to put it more accurately, Miss Bankhead, of an old friend of mine. Dennis, what are you doing? Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, go back with me in time to the halcyon days of the theater, when this fine actress, who has known better matinees, gave to the theater-going public some of the finest performances of yesteryear. This grand old lady of the... Who once was the star of Little Foxes, now finds the wolf at her door. Oh, if you can't remember her as the great actress she was, try to think of her as a human being. I wait. A lady who in her declining years finds herself in a declining, declining medium. Oh, the shame, the ignominy, the degradation, the thickness of taste, the loneliness of it all. Bridgeport, you're not laughing. You're not crying, Bridgeport. You, ladies and gentlemen, give to this, this little lady, who in better days brought joy to your hearts and who now is reduced to asking for a little of that joy for herself. Now, follow my example. I will myself start the ball rolling with three dollars. Wait just a minute, but sir, who told you I needed a benefit? Well, it seemed rather obnoxious, my dear. Nobody in the theater has seen you in months. Your name hasn't been on any theater marquee in a year or more. Your picture was removed from the wall at Sardis. You're made at the Theater Guild is marked Address Unknown. Address Unknown? Why, I've been on a big show in radio. Oh, radio. Well, no wonder we never heard of you. Quick. That was spontaneous. Very expert, very marvelous. But I'll tell, I'll tell the old crowd I found you. Now, naturally, I won't tell them what I picked you up. My darling, you can tell them I am the star of the big show. The biggest show in radio. I am known as the glamorous, unpredictable, and wealthy Tallulah Bansley. My salary on the radio runs into thousands of dollars a week. Really? You make all that money by merely talking through this tall, thin, metallic contrivance? Oh, my darling, more than I ever made in the theater. Well, what do you know? Tallulah, may I speak to you for a moment? Oh, of course, darling. Darling, have you got a dollar for a cup of coffee? I haven't got a, I haven't eaten in weeks, dear. Really? Awful, of course, my darling. And ladies and gentlemen, in this fine old gentleman who most of you I massive are too young to remember as a vagabond king, is now a vagabond himself. And I would like to start the ball rolling with two dollars and twenty cents. Long may nature sing while we're young. Every day is spring while we're young. And every juice finds life a man. Too deep to look and too sweet to laugh. Though it may be just for today. Share our lovely love while we may. Soar to the sky, fall sweet surprise. Just before our eyes while we're young. Soar to the sky, fall sweet surprise. Just before our eyes while we're young. Soar to the sky, fall sweet surprise. Just before our eyes while we're young. Soar to the sky, fall sweet surprise. We'll be back in a moment with all our other stars, but first darlings, I would like to ring my chimes. This is NBC's The National Broadcasting Company. The Big Show. This is The National Broadcasting Company's Sunday extravaganza with the most scintillating personalities in show business. The Big Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival, is brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. By Chesterfield, the cigarette that has, for you, mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. The cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. And by the makers of Anison for fast relief from pains of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. The big stars of this program are Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Dennis King, Portland Hopper, Beatrice Lilly, Lawrence Melchior, Ed Wind, Meredith Wilson, and his Big Show orchestra and chorus. And every week, your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead. The Big Show! Applause Well, darlings, The Big Show is back in New York after a week in Hollywood. And with all due respect to our friends on the West Coast, it is a pleasure to come back to this large, beautiful Center Theater, which is spacious enough to accommodate our audience of 3,000 people who came here tonight on the New Haven Railroad Show train from as far away as Boston. Applause Well, darlings, bless you, darlings, the studio we had in Hollywood was very small. We held only 300 people, and they were packed in so tight I had trouble reading my script. And that studio where they were breathing on my glasses or something that I missed out here, and that studio was so small and had such a low ceiling, when I ordered frog legs for lunch, the frog legs were squatting. That's a jolly one. Don't be really busy. Applause Why, Lulu Taberkinhead? Well, Lady Keele, the bee, darling, has been aging since I've seen you. Let me look at you. But you know, I haven't seen you in years, Tallulah. Let me look at you. Well, imagine that. I can hardly believe it. Oh, no. Poor dear. Well, that's the way it goes. Well, time marches on. Darling, you look simply adorable. Well, I was just thinking how extraordinarily well you look at Tallulah. Well, have a day or two of rest, then you'll be your old self. My dear, you're always your old self. Ah, you're sweet. Well, now we've exhausted ourselves, let's talk about something new. You know, I've just got back. What's the gossip around town? Gossip? Darling, if I got gossip for you, beauty, you know, I just got back from Hollywood and I heard... Oh, by the way, before I forget, Tallulah, I ran across Noah last week and he told me to be sure to... Oh, no, all right, darling. Of course, I just saw him last month at a party at the home of, oh, what's his name? You mean Jeffrey? Yes. The man we met on the Riviera. Do you remember, darling, when he came in that night full of... Oh, that's the one. Oh, do you remember what happened? I'll never forget the way she... You know, after that, he went to the hospital for six months. Oh, be he, I'm so sure. Well, so much for frivolous gossip. Let's get down to something serious. How is the mail situation around town? Oh, didn't you hear? No. They've cut down deliveries to one today. No, we're not talking about the same post office, Tallulah. I mean men. Oh, men. Well, darling, we have the biggest crop of magnificent men in this town. It's had in years. Why, only... Only what? Well, there's a new thing that's coming to fashion, darling. Men seem to like very young girls. Ooh. 35. Well, I got here just in time. Of course you did, darling. We can double date. Now, let me see, be he, I forget now. Just what type of man do you prefer? Tall, or short, fat, or thin, old or young, dark or fair? Yes. Just my type too. Oh, well, that's plenty of dates. Well, any of the men you've been going out with, Tallulah, are all right with me. Well, as a matter of fact, I've been so busy lately, darling. I've been more or less relaxing, you know. I've taken up knitting. I've just finished the most darling slip-over of my ice box. A cardigan, of course. It's so much easier, you know, to open the door. You have no idea how relaxing an evening can be just knitting. Well, of course you were here over a gay time, and I'm sure we'll find plenty of men to take it out. So, don't you worry, darling. I'll see that you're kept busy. Hmm. Tell me, darling, is it difficult to learn to knit? Why, be, darling, you sound positively unhappy. Yes, I'm miserable. Oh, how delightful. Who is he? Walt. Walt, my dear, a past tense. Well, who is he? The Walt be a man you met in England. Tell us about it, won't you, darling? I'll be glad to. But gracious, what about the team you have to go through here before she lets you sing one lousy little number? Life is a journey, they tell us. A journey right through to the end. And just like an everyday journey, it's nicer to go with a friend. We all need a traveling companion to help us along as they can. A man needs the help of a woman. A woman needs the help of a man. Now I've found a traveling companion, one whom I thought was my own. How gaily we started. Now I'm brokenhearted and making the journey alone. I was happy, oh so happy, and ready to depart. So I smiled at my companion, said, well, shall we start? And then a sticky label was slapped across my heart. Not wanted on the boy. It could have been so happy. It could have been so blind. We could have looked out of the porthole and been happy all the time. I planned to be his traveling rug. And now I find that I'm not wanted on the voyage. Why am I left at the quayside? Why does my world seem so dark? Why can't I get where I'm going? I can't even get off the mark. I had a lot of little parcels. Our friends, our hopes, our fears. A whole load full of laughter and a suitcase full of tears. But fate, that cruel American express man, just points at me and jeers, you're not wanted on the voyage. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. Does the road wind uphill all the way? Yes, to the very end. Is there a long, long trail of winding? Yes, there is. Does he travel fast? Does he travel alone? Apparently. Then what about her? What about she? I asked the station clock, dear old clock. It didn't answer. I asked the station approach. It didn't answer. And then I asked him. He answered in one, two, three, four, five, maybe a half a dozen words. I was amazed. But I laughed. I thought him joking. I said, oh, shh, don't be absurd. He showed me what was written, and I read it word by word. I wasn't traveling with him. I wasn't even traveling alone. I was not wanted on the voyage. The draft was hard and bitter. I could not drink the cup, and yet I had to swallow it. Yes, down to the last suck. There had been a weekend ruck sack, and then to finish up, not wanted on the voyage, I asked you. Well, friends have been kind and consoling. There's nothing they say they won't do. But they've all got their own traveling companion, and they are sticking to them like glue. They say, you must go forward. Don't let your footsteps lag. But the memory of that moment pulls me backwards like a drag. His gentle voice saying, Porter, just label that old bag. Not wanted on the voyage. Not wanted on the voyage. Here's a word from RCA Victor. There's nothing more fun these winter nights than curling up in front of a good warm television set and let the laugh, chuckles, and downright merriment of television entertainment warm the cockles of your heart. And if there's one thing that's more fun than just plain television, it's television on a new RCA Victor set. Yes, almost two million families today are happily using RCA Victor television in their homes. And you'll know why when you watch the lifelike picture on RCA Victor's new model, the Kent, now on display at your RCA Victor dealers. The Kent brings you clear, big, 17-inch pictures locked in place by RCA Victor's exclusive eyewitness picture synchronizer. Then, too, look at the value of the Kent. It's like having console television at table model price. You'll say that RCA Victor television is the best way to warm up your heart with television fun and keep the frost off your pocketbook. Excuse me, but where do I get my money back on this round-trip ticket from Boston? What is your problem, Fred Allen? Well, I tried all week to get a ticket to the big show tonight, but there wasn't one to be had all over New York. So I flew up to Boston and bought a round-trip ticket on the show train, and that's how I get in. Oh, Fred, darling, you didn't have to go to all that trouble to fly up to Boston by plane. Well, I didn't fly by plane to Lula. There's a man over at LaGuardia Field now with a new service. You stand on the runway with two hands full of large nails, and up in Boston there's a fellow with a big magnet. If you're flying to Boston, it's the only way to travel. If you like privacy, if you want to be alone, it's the only thing to do. Well, Fred, now that you've... Don't have anything in your pocket at the time. Yes, dear, did I miss anything important? Now that you've retired from radio and television, what do you do to keep busy? Well, retired is rather a delicate way to put it, to Lula. Let us just say I was not wanted on the voyage. No, there's really...there's really a lot to do here in New York. I manage to keep pretty busy, as a matter of fact. I get up every morning about 10 o'clock and go over to see my doctor. He hasn't been feeling well lately. Then for lunch I go over to Lindy's and meet the boys. I order a lean corned beef sandwich and sit there and chew the fat for a while. Well, I'm surprised you found time to come over here at all this week, Fred. Well, in all deference to your charms and your concentrated aloe, Miss Bankhead, I really came over because Portland asked me to meet her here. She has a bit of a problem which she hopes to... Hello, Mr. Atlin. So, Portland, you made me split an infinitive. I shall never be able to go back to Boston. I've split an infinitive. I'll have to... Portland Hoffer! Hello, Miss Bankhead. Mr. Allen, did you tell Miss Bankhead why I'm here? No, I didn't have the heart to tell her, Portland. As a matter of fact, I didn't have a line either. Well, Miss Bankhead, my name is Portland Hoffer. I know who you are, darling. Please, Miss Bankhead, I have a speech prepared. Oh, I'm sorry, darling. My name is Portland Hoffer. You sound like Dagmar tonight. That line wasn't worth reading twice. Yeah. I have always been an admirer of yours, and I have been chosen by my school alumni association to portray you to Luna Bankhead in a play to be presented well... Exclamation point. You can imagine how thrilled I was... Comma. ...when they told me I could portray you. Period. I've been so excited all week. I've had indigestion. Colon. I haven't been able to eat half my meal. Semicolon. Well, darling, if you quite finished dictating that letter, I wish you'd get to the point. Do you want me to come and play the part? Oh, no. I want to stand on my own two legs. Forenthesis. I've been trying all week to copy your voice. Yeah, I agree. Ah, isn't she sweet? Well, Miss Portland, that isn't even a reasonable facsimile. But then, who is? You're so right, Frederick. You took the words right out of my mouth. Well, I'm so sorry, Tallulah. Your mouth was open and there were so many of them there. I tried every way to make my voice sound that low, but it doesn't work. No. I tried pasting down my Adam's apple with Scotch tape. And that didn't do it? No. Then I tried wetting my hair and standing in front of an open window, hoping I'd get laryngitis. Yes, I know, darling. I lose more imitators that way. But, go on, Portland. What happened when you stood in front of the open window with your wet hair? Did your voice sound like Tallulah's? No, but my hair looked like hers. Well, Tallulah, those are the ball facts. Now, can you...can you help Portland out with her problem? Well, Fred, I'll do anything I can, darling, for you and for Portland. But what is the reason for this play? I mean, why are you doing it at all? Well, we want to raise some money to buy equipment for our school basketball team. Oh, what kind of equipment are you going to buy for your basketball team? A center, a guard, and two referees. Why, Portland, is that cricket? No, it's basketball. Our school hasn't won a game for 20 years. This would give our team a new lease on life. Say, Portland, you go around buying referees, and that's exactly what you'll get. 20 years to life. Here, darlings, are two very good friends of ours, Bing Cosby and Bob Hope. Bob, do you realize we only have one thing in common? Hardly enough for a happy marriage, is it? What's that, Bing? Chesterfields, of course. We both like them, we both sell them. And we'd better get to selling them now. You know, folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. How do you know they're mild? Well, you just make our mildness test. You buy them, open them up, and enjoy that mild aroma. Then smoke a Chesterfield. You'll know it's milder because it smokes milder. And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel. So, always buy Chesterfield. Go on, me junior, let's sum it up musically. Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place. That milder, mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste. So, open a pack, give them a smell, then you'll smoke them. Music Returning to a scene of his triumph on the big show is one of the truly great voices of our time, Mr. Lawrence Melchior, who only five years ago, tonight, made his debut in opera in this country. Mr. Melchior will now sing a study to Tristan, dreamed by Wagner. Merge it, darling, if you please. Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Bravo, Lawrence Melchior, bravo. Your undivined voice is useful. We are honored to have you back on the big show. Lola, it's always a pleasure to be on this show with you. Since you were your last, Lawrence, darling, I've been doing quite a bit of singing myself. Oh, I know, we have heard. Your voice has created sensation in music circles everywhere. Oh, you're joking. Are you joking, darling? How can I be joking? I have no sense of humor. Don't you really mean that music circles think I'm a sensation? Too, Lola. You know, today I'm celebrating the 25th anniversary of my operatic debut in this country. And I give you my word that you have created several new notes never known to the human ear. You know, really, darling, this is exciting news. I just can't wait to tell somebody. Oh, that's Jack Carson. Jack, darling. Yes, hello? Jack, do you know what Lawrence Melchior just told me? He said that I have... Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. Do you know Lawrence Melchior? Hello, Mr. Melchior. How do you do? Jack, Lawrence just told me... Mr. Melchior, you've got much thinner, haven't you? Oh, yes, my doctor has put me on a strict diet. Jack, Lawrence, darling, just told me that my voice... I'm on a diet myself. What kind of a diet? Jack, about my voice... It's a very simple diet. For breakfast, I have lunch and dinner. Mm-hmm. For lunch, I have a midnight snack and tomorrow's breakfast. And for dinner, I have tomorrow's lunch and dinner. In case of a nine-day diet, I'm doing it three days. A new idea you can reduce without losing weight. Why don't you try it, Mr. Melchior? Oh, I am happy with my doctor. He examined me and gave me his certificate. Jack, did you know that I have created notes... Let me see the certificate. I'll read it to you, you see. This is to certify that I have examined Mr. Melchior and have found him to be critically fit. Mm-hmm. Look how his spouse fed. F-A-T. Well, if you two slap-sippin' gentlemen will let me get a word in here. Yes, Lola? I have been trying to tell you, Jack, that Lawrence just gave me a great compliment. He said that I am a sensation in music circles. I have created several new notes. New notes? That's right. Isn't that right, Lawrence, darling? That's right. You see, the only known letters in the musical scale are A, B, C, D, E, F, and G. Oh, yes, I've heard that rumor. Well, we have located your notes slightly above G. Do you hear that, Jack? My notes are above G. That would be H, wouldn't it? It sounds like H to me. Lawrence, darling, do you think music is ready for these new notes? Oh, they are getting ready. Pianos are being re-tuned and clarinets are being re-pitched and violins are being re-strung. Razors are being re-sharpened. Lawrence, you've given me renewed confidence. And so I'm going to sing a chorus of a song for you right now. Right now? Right now. Mr. Melky, another thing about that diet I was telling you about. The doctor said you should take long walks. How long? About 32 bars. Would you join me? Of course. Shall we go? Come back here, you cowards! Music When we ask you to try Anisyn for the relief of pain due to a headache, neuritis, and neuralgia, we're not asking you to try a new or unproved method. For there are many people listening in now who have been introduced to Anisyn tablets by their own dentist or physician. Now you who have received Anisyn this way know the effective, incredibly fast relief these tablets bring. Anisyn is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anisyn contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven, active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. People by the thousands are using modern Anisyn today instead of other ways. Doesn't their experience seem worth following? Try Anisyn the next time you suffer pains from headaches, neuritis, or neuralgia. You'll be delighted with the results. Ask your drugist for Anisyn today. Anisyn is spelled A-N-A-C-I-N. Music Well, darlings, in just a moment Mr. Ed Winn will join Mr. Melchior and do one of his wonderfully funny opera interpretations. But first a word from Ed Hurley High. Who ho he ho ho. Miss Bankhead, Ed Hurley he is on a short vacation. I've been doing the announcing. My name's Ben Growar. Oh, isn't that wonderful, darling. They finally gave me an announcer whose name I can pronounce. I'm glad you're here. Go right ahead, Ben Growar. This portion of the program has been brought to you by RCA Victor. World leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. By Chesterfield, the cigarette that has, for you, mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. The best cigarette for you to smoke. And by the makers of Anisyn for fast relief from pain of headaches, ureitis, and neuralgia. This is the big show and Tallulah is about to introduce... Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great, great clowns of the theatre, Mr. Ed Winn. Applause Ed, darling, it's so nice of you to come on the show this week. Oh, well, I had to come, Tallulah. I saw where you got that fella, you know, that finger. What's his name? Alois Melchior. Well, that's close enough, yes. He's going to sing an opera, you know. And in this country, people don't understand those foreign language operas. I'm going to explain that this is the latest story of Carmen I'm going to tell. But, darling, you explained Carmen the last two times you were on the show. Well, that doesn't mean anything. There are a lot of stories of Carmen. They all have different names, you know. Different names? Sadly, I saw Carmen last week at the Metropolitan. It was called the Marriage of Figaro, it was called. Well, now how do you come to change names? Well, Carmen's a girl, you know. When she gets married, she changes her name, that's all. But really, tonight's story of Carmen is nothing like it. I'm sure of that. But, Ed, here's Mr. Melchior. Lawrence, you remember Mr. Winn. Vividly. No matter what I sing, he only tells the story of Carmen. But you don't seem to realize Mr. Melchior, Lawrence Melchior. Well, that's close enough, yes. You see, I'm an expert on Carmen. Mr. Winn. Yes. I don't think you know if you are Carmen or Gunn. You have to excuse me. I crack the puns, you know. Don't you crack them. You don't seem to realize that there are 12 different versions of the bullfight alone in Carmen. That's a lot of bull. Young man, uh... Young man? There is only one authority on Carmen. Yeah? And that's the man who wrote the opera. Yeah? George B.C. That's ridiculous. I know everything there is to know about Carmen. You are B.C.? Yeah, but not too busy to explain the opera. I'll explain the story of Carmen. But Ed, tonight I happen to be singing the hymn to Venus from Tannhäuser. Tannhäuser? Shows you how things are going up. It used to be Fivehäuser. Did you know that? Everything's going up nowadays. It's terrible. But you're going to sing Carmen? No, I'm going to sing Tannhäuser. Uh... Next line is yours if you want to say it. I don't care. Oh, why? Yes, I... Oh, why didn't I become a ballet dancer like my good mother wants me to? Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Melchior singing the hymn to Venus from Tannhäuser in German. Mr. Wen explaining it in Carmen. The Excuse me, I'll explain it up till now. Can't give the people too much to remember, you see. Now this is the story of Carmen. As most of you know, Carmen was born in Spain on account of the beautiful scenery which is there. Now Carmen, what a face Carmen has. She has star dust in her eyes, star dust in her cheeks, star dust in her lips. You never saw such a, I don't know, such a dust pan. Well anyhow, what I wanted to say was that Carmen is so magnificent, when she passes by you can hear a loud whistle. But the men never whistle back. The hero of the opera is Don Jose. Most of you know that. Don Jose makes a fourth landing on his way to Sea Carmen in Madrid, but he is in the jungle in his aeroplane. He meets a native girl and trying to make her understand, he says to her, he says, Me, me be thirty, me be thirty-nine in landing. And she says, me be twenty-six in October. Well this infuriates Don Jose and he rushes to meet Carmen. When he sees Carmen, he says, Carmen, every time when I get up in the morning and put my hands down around my knees and pull them up again, I get terrible pains in my back. Carmen says, well why do you do it? And Jose says, well if you know any other way for a guy to get his pants on, I wish you'd tell me. Now you continue the opera, will you? He tied them up, me pick a pick a pick a shoe. That's enough of it, wait, I'll explain that. Now you see, in New York, Carmen and Don Jose, they take a trip to New York and they jump on a sightseeing bus. Carmen says to the driver, he says, no she says, Carmen is a woman in this place. She says, does this bus stop at the Waldorf Astoria? The driver says, no, we keep it in the garage. I told her some other ways than that. Anyhow, what's next? What's next? Further on, the driver yells, we are now passing the biggest saloon in town. Don Jose jumps off the bus and says, maybe you are, but I'm not. That night at Carmen's birthday party, her mother turns to Carmen and she says, Carmen your birthday reminds me of the night you were born. Did you know Carmen dear, you were born in the middle of the night? Carmen says, gee mom, I hope I didn't wake you up. Some of these will make humor illegal. Anyhow, now while Carmen and her mother is speaking, Don Jose is speaking to Carmen's father. He says, I would like to marry your daughter. The father says, can you support a family? Jose says, yes. The father says, now think hard because there's seven of us. Anyhow, Carmen and Don Jose get married. It's just as well because, I don't know, they couldn't get along together anyway. Now would you continue? Wonderful things, I know, are golden faces. There is my life in a thousand beautiful rooms. Pardon me, I'll explain that. You don't mind, do you sir? This is very interesting. I've got to explain the story for opera lovers who don't care for music at all. Anyhow, Carmen and Don Jose are now married and very soon they are blessed with a six year old son. The son has what you call group Pearson and Senator McCarthy me. They're always knocking each other, you know what I mean? The boy says to his father, he says, Papa, when I grow up will I marry a woman like Mother? And his father says, you sure will if you're not careful. Don Jose says, well the latest thing your mother did was to make her hair blonde. This anger's Carmen. And she says, I see you've made your nose red. Don Jose says, yes I have, but I don't have to go to the beauty parlor once a week to have the end touched up. Well I didn't like it either, I don't know. Carmen then says, let us kiss and make up, why fight? And as they kiss there is a loud explosion. It seems that he had a toothpick in his mouth and she was chewing bubble gum. The explosion knocked Don out the window. The son says, look Mama, Papa fell out the 18 story window and killed himself. Carmen says, I can't understand it because just two weeks ago he was vaccinated against everything. Will you go on stage please? And then of course Carmen goes. One day it made me Carmen. Carmen goes. This guy says he likes to sing. Now what? What he just sang of course was the last act, which naturally needs description because a lot of people didn't understand it. But it's in this act where you meet Escamillo. I'd like to describe him. Escamillo is the kind of a guy you would use for a blueprint if you were building an idiot. Now when he was 12 years old, when he was 12 years old in one day he lost his father and mother. What a crap game. Well anyhow, when he grows up you know Escamillo becomes a great saging. You see how I've connected the story there? He becomes a saging. One night he sees Carmen for the first time. She is dancing. Escamillo the famous saging goes up and he taps the man on the shoulder. He says, may I cut in? Carmen being a lady coily drops her eyelids. Escamillo being a gentleman dupes down and picks them up. She said, I'm tired of dancing. I'll take off my shoes. He looks, he says, those are the ten dainiest toes I have ever seen. Carmen says, I'll take off my other shoe. At this instant, Carmen's father rushes to the bar and says, give me 22 drinks. The bartender at the ball says, why do you want 22 drinks? Carmen says, on account of that sign over the bar, it says nobody's saved under 21. It's nothing like a good joke and that is certainly not like a good joke. But anyhow, they realize there's something wrong with Escamillo. You see that is with a father. So Escamillo rushes Carmen's father to his hospital. It's a brand new hospital. In fact, this is the opening day. And they celebrate the opening of the hospital and Carmen's father at the same time. What an operation. This is a remarkable operation. From Carmen's father, they remove a piece of bar rail from the sole of his foot. Very unusual thing. After the operation, Carmen asks Escamillo to her home. He goes there, but he is astonished at the sight. He says, this is ridiculous. He says, you have pigs in your living room. Carmen says, why not? There's everything in my living room a pig would want. Wonderful operation. Suddenly Carmen says, will you marry me? He says, you're asking me. I don't know what to say. Carmen says, just say yes and from there on in, keep your big trap shut. And as the payment's coming down, Escamillo says, this is too much. I'm going to Hollywood and be a movie actor. Carmen yells, Hollywood bar. One day you're kissing Lana Trader. The next day you're kissing Greer Garson. The next day you're kissing Betty Grable and the next day you're a has-been. And Escamillo says, yes, but just think where I has been. Ed, that was divinely hilarious. Thanks for another story of Carmen. And to you, Lord Melchior, our thanks for lending your magnificent voice to Mr. Wynne's inspired nonsense. And now here's an orchestra number for Meredith Wilson and his big show, the orchestra chorus, the number, Hollabaloo, which is all about band music, which makes me very happy because I love band music. So don't be surprised, darlings, if I join in somewhere. Meredith, if you please. Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, how I love the music of the band. Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, cause the music I can play is grand. Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, it's the only music I can understand. I want to dance, I want to sing, it's like ding-a-ling-a-ling. Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo. Give me the music, give me the music, give me the music of the mix, come on, they are. Let me be happy, let me be happy, let me be happy, that's the kind of fool I am. Play me a polka, play me a polka, play me a polka till they carry me away. Put in an off-the-dive, we'll have a Hollabaloo of advice, put it up until we see the break of day. Now I love the rhythm of the band. Won't you make the music that they play is simply grand? It's the only rhythm I can really understand. Dance, sing, sing-a-ling, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo. Give me a cover, hey, give Hollabaloo a cover. Give me a cymbal, hey, give Hollabaloo a cymbal. Give me a tuba, hey, give Hollabaloo a tuba. I am ready to get high, play the early instrument, so professor won't you get the boy to play? Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo. It's the only rhythm I can understand. I want to dance, I want to sing, I want to sing-a-ling-a-ling until I hear the magic ring. Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo, Hollabaloo. Applause Thank you, Mary Grosson, darling, and before we get involved in an in-na-tiating story about your hometown, let's go on to... Wait a minute, Tallulah, I'd like to meet that nice gentleman. Oh, good, it's Lily, darling, no, Mary is a wonderful musician, I simply adore him and all that, but he can be such a bore. Oh, I adore bores. You know, we fought a war over them. Please, excuse me. Oh, very well if you must, Meredith, darling. Yes, Miss Bankhead. This... Applause This is Beatrice Lily. Meredith Wusson. Hello, Meredith. Tallulah tells me you're quite a bore. Well, thank you. I do my best. I adore bores. God, say something boring. Well, I guess I didn't exactly expect to be called on at this time. Never was very good at doing any impromptu boring. I like that band number you just played. When did you start leading a band? That could have a pretty boring answer. Well, sir, Miss Bankhead, and you too, Miss Lily, the first orchestra I ever had was really a doozy. It was the high school orchestra back in Mason City, Iowa. That's my hometown, you know. Yes, I know. We had a girl bandsman who played the euphonium. You know what that is. That's a big brass horn. It only belongs in a band, not in an orchestra like we had back in Mason City. Well, I'll never forget that one particular night. This girl played the euphonium and she was always just one beat early. Would you care to hear how it sounded, Miss Lily? Oh, I'd love to. Sounds so boring. Would you mind hearing it for me? I don't even know what he's talking about. He's talking something about a euphonium. What's that? I think it's a small town in Iowa. No, you see, euphonium is a big brass horn. It was in my high school, my hometown, Mason City, in the high school orchestra. I can hear that orchestra yet. OSSE 21 Russian German German Asian Believe in God Hey, saluda, Fred, Fred and I want to talk to you What is it, gentlemen? Do you want to tell her, Jack? Sure, I'll tell her, Fred, I'm not afraid of her Good, good Saluda, we were listening to Edwin explain that opera before And we got to thinking that too many people don't understand opera in the first place And why doesn't somebody on this program, you know, explain a popular song? But I don't understand, darlings, any popular song The lyric is self-explanatory Not the way you sing it And darling, are you implying that I don't sing a popular song? Well, when you start out singing it, it's popular You see, Tallulah, what Jack means is that there's always a story behind every popular song Now what was that song that used to be so popular before you recorded it? I'll be seeing you That's the one, that's the one Would you care to, for want of a better word, sing it for us? Fred and I will explain the story behind it Yes I'd love to, darlings, I'd just love to sing Well, how do you get the right key? Do you use the Holland Tunnel for a pitch pipe? She does need a bet, she's a walking euphonium Oh really? Oh, that's awesome Meridith, Meridith will give me my key, won't you, darling? Sure, all of them Oh, thank you, darling And now, ladies and gentlemen, the glamorous and unpredictable ballerina voice of Miss Tallulah Brockman Bankhead singing I'll Be Seeing You I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces all day through What's up, Brockman? I'll explain that part of it, please I've got to carry away Fred and I will explain it up to here Hello, Jack Hi, Fred, have you seen Tallulah around lately? Tallulah who? I don't know, Tallulah Bankhead Oh, him? Yes No, I haven't, Jack and I have looked in all of the old familiar places Did you see any old familiar faces? Not Tallulah Did you look in the Luxor baths? Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes But I didn't see any familiar faces there either Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Fred, I'm worried about Tallulah I wonder if she's broke Well, I hear she's flat Yeah, I just heard it I just heard it too But I still wonder if she's drunk Jack, she must be You know, she spends so much money on clothes Did you ever notice that mink coat? Well, I happen to know that somebody gave her that mink coat Oh, really? What did she have to do for it? Nothing, just lengthen the sleeves Oh Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah You know, she used to spend all of her money on jewelry But they won't let her into Tiffany's anymore They won't? Why not? Well, she has such a terrible acid condition The minute she walks in, all of the rings in the place turn green Laughter I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day In everything that's light and gay I'll always think of you that way Jack, frankly, I'm worried about Tallulah Let's go down to police headquarters and give them a description of her A description of Tallulah? Yeah They'd never believe it Laughter You know what I think? She must have had a big fight with some guy that she's in love with Well, I tell you, let's make the rounds of the hospitals Maybe she's visiting him She'd be with him Wait, wait a minute Did you hear something? I think it's Tallulah Listen I'll find you in the morning sun And where the night is No, no, it's only a steamship coming in tonight Laughter We'll be looking at the moon But I will be sleeping Alone Applause Well, darlings, that's it for this week We hope you'll all be with us next Sunday when we will have with us Uta Hagen, Jack Haley, Paul Kelly, James Melton, Olsen & Johnson, Monty Woolley, and others And of course, our very own Meridith Wilson and the Big Show orchestra chorus Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you Whether near or far away Meridith May you find that long-awaited golden day today Bee May your troubles all be no ones And your fortune ten times ten Fred May the good Lord bless and keep you Till we meet again Portland May you walk with the light shining And a bluebird in every tree head May there be a silver lining Back of every cloud you see Jack Clear your dreams with sweet tomorrows Never mind what might have been Dennis May the good Lord bless and keep you Till we meet again Loris May you long recall each rainbow Then you'll soon forget the rain May the warm and gentle memories Be the ones that will remain Clear your dreams with sweet tomorrows Never mind what might have been May the good Lord bless and keep you Until we meet again May the good Lord bless and keep you Till we meet Till we meet Again Good night, darling, and Godspeed to our armed forces. We'll hear these broadcasts each week all over the world. The Big Show is produced and directed by D. Engelbach and written by Goodmanet, Fred Allen, Selma Dynan, George Foster, Mort Green, and Frank Wilson. This is Ben Growers saying good night. Coming up, Phil Harris and Alice Payne. Then enjoy Hedda Hopper's show on NBC.