You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business.
For the next hour and 30 minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as...
Fred Allen, Phil Baker, Johnny Burke, Eddie Cantor, Eddie Fisher, Ella Fitzgerald, Portland Harper, Jan Pierce, and Ethel Waters, Meredith Wilson, and my name darlings is the Lula Bankhead.
The National Broadcasting Company presents...
The Big Show!
So listen America, the presence of America, we're going to be a fire for the stars!
The Big Show! 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All-Star Festival.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Lula Bankhead.
Well darlings, it's amazing how the Big Show has caught the fancy of everyone, including even the youngsters.
The other day I was walking in the park and I overheard two darling little children.
Oh they look so beautiful in their neat little outfits. And one said to the other, let's play Tallulah Bankhead.
And the other one said, alright, I'll be Tallulah and you be Bankhead.
Oh they were the cutest little boys I ever saw.
And then they started playing. One of them said to the other, well sir, Miss Bankhead, now don't tell me you're only eight years old.
You've already got your second teeth. And the other one said, my first teeth fell out because I ate too much candy and cake and ice cream and sugar donuts.
And the first one said, oh, too sweet.
Well after about an hour and a half of this, one of the boys picked up a baseball bat and started hitting the other little boy over the head.
Well I rushed in and said, what are you doing darling, what are you doing?
And the child said, nothing, I'm just ringing his chimes.
Well if that's playing Tallulah Bankhead.
Well it's all your own fault Tallulah.
What do you mean my fault Eddie Cantor?
Applause
Tallulah, I just want to say that in only 19 short weeks, you and the big show have become the talk of the entire radio industry.
Really darling, well that's nice to hear Eddie, thank you.
And now may I offer just one little criticism?
No. And now ladies and gentlemen.
Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What do you mean no? Since when did you start saying no?
I have a little criticism to make and I think it will help the program.
Nothing will help this program darling.
I mean we don't need any help.
Well it's just something that everybody around town is saying.
You're not treating your guests with the dignity they deserve.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago, Ethel Merman was on the show, she sang a song.
She finished and she got big applause, you said, thank you Ethel Merman, better luck next time.
Now is that nice?
Well what's wrong with wishing someone luck?
Well why didn't you just say thank you Ethel, you were simply wonderful.
And purger myself?
Well maybe you ought to get out of radio and come into television.
We're all in it. All the big stars are on channel four.
You better get into the swim, the water's fine.
That's not what I hear about the channel.
I've been watching television lately and all I see is a lot of old Easterners.
No, no, no, you mean old Westerners.
I mean old Easterners, Edwin Durante Cantor.
Yeah, now, you watch my show next Sunday, I've got a very effective finish, something new.
The camera's never on anybody's face, you just see a lot of people's hands.
It's broad comedy but very funny.
Sounds like an Abbot and Costello routine.
No, just Costello.
No Eddie, radio's good enough for me.
Well I guess you're right, Tallulah, after all radio was my first love.
And there's nothing like radio.
That sounds mighty like a song to you darling, and I suppose there's no stopping you singing it.
That's right.
Okay Meredith darling, if you please.
Oh, oh, oh, there's nothing like radio for having a wonderful time.
Who cares about watching a girl do the hula?
I get a bigger thrill from the voice of Tallulah.
Oh, oh, oh, I still love the radio although television is fine.
A wife, if she's truthful, will make the submission against those plunging necklines.
There's too much competition.
Oh, oh, oh, there's nothing like radio for having a wonderful time.
Oh, oh, oh, there's nothing like radio for having a wonderful time.
You turn on the dial, have the time of your life.
You'll find young Doc Malone there with John's other wife and oh, oh, oh, I still love the radio.
I think that the big show is fine.
While looking at TV, though she may deny it, a woman sees those recipes and her diet.
Oh, oh, oh, there's nothing like radio for having a wonderful time.
Ah, do you remember radio of 20 years ago?
The Chase and Sam Bourne hour with Rubenov and his violin, huh?
Rubenov.
In those days he was the only mad Russian we had to worry about, huh?
Yes, and the sensational singer.
Then was a girl called Vaughn Deleith, remember?
That was radio.
Today on television there's another girl who sings, a sensation.
Her name is Virginia Hill, oh.
And the big song hit on radio 20 years ago, I had the good fortune to introduce it.
It went like this.
Potatoes are cheaper, tomatoes are cheaper.
Now the time is falling loud.
Why the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, gave their price a downward shove.
Grab yourself someone to fry your eggs and bacon.
She can live just like a queen on what you're making.
You'll find in sunshine or trouble, you're better off double.
Now's the time to fall in love.
Oh, oh, oh, I still love the radio.
Tallulah is really divine.
Next Sunday on TV for Colgate I'll be playing.
And when you see this face of mine I'm sure you'll be saying,
Oh, oh, oh, there's nothing like radio for having a wonderful time.
Thank you.
Thank you, Eddie Cantor.
That was without a doubt the greatest song I ever heard.
You are without a doubt the greatest singer I have ever heard.
And I don't know when I've been more entertained than by your superb voice singing that superb song.
Well, thank you, Tallulah.
And better luck next time.
Wait a minute, Eddie.
There you go again.
Didn't you like my singing at your QQ?
Wait a minute, didn't you like my singing?
Eddie, you know I love you and everybody has loved your singing for many years.
But now, Eddie, be quiet.
We have a singer on the program this week whose voice is really magnificent.
That could be none other than the star of the Metropolitan Opera, Mr. Jan Pierce.
Jan, I was delighted and surprised when they told me you were going to be a guest on our program tonight.
I was delighted myself because I've just recorded for Rossi a Victor a song which was composed by Meredith Wilson.
Oh, really, darling?
What song is that?
May the good Lord bless you and keep you.
Oh, our closing signature.
You know, we've had thousands of letters asking us to have someone sing May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You as a solo,
quite aside from spinning up among the cast at the end of the show.
Would you sing it for us now, Jan?
I'd be glad to.
And this will add to its effectiveness.
I'll sing it with you.
How's that?
You'll have to excuse me, but I have a severe case of laryngitis.
And here is a letter from my doctor.
I can't sing the song with you because it might tend to incriminate me.
Oh, that's a shame.
I was only kidding, darling, about singing it with you.
Oh, suddenly my laryngitis cleared up.
Trapped again.
Oh, by the way, do you know Meredith Wilson?
Well, sir, Miss Bankhead?
Oh, I see you know him.
All right, Meredith, play it for him.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jan Pierce singing his RCA Red Seal Victor recording of Meredith Wilson's May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You.
May the good Lord bless and keep you, whether near or far away.
May you find that long-awaited golden day today.
May your troubles all be small ones and your fortune ten times ten.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.
May you walk with sunlight shining and a bluebird in every tree.
May there be a silver lining back of every cloud you see.
Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows, never mind what mine have been.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet, till we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you whether near or far away.
May the good you wish for others shine on you today.
May your hearts stay tuned to music that will cheer the hearts of men.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.
May you long recall the rainbows, then you'll soon forget the rain.
May the warm and tender memories be the ones that will remain.
Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows, never mind what mine have been.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet, till we meet again.
And now, darling, it is a privilege to welcome to the big show a very old friend,
a distinguished artist whose thrilling life story recently published under the title,
His Eye is on the Sparrow, is moving swiftly into the bestseller class.
Our eyes are on, our hearts open to Miss Ethel Waters.
Ethel made her first dramatic triumph in the theatre on the night of January 3, 1939,
in the role of Hagar in Dorothy and Euboe's Heywood's Mamba's Daughters.
Ethel recreates now one of the most moving scenes from that play.
Here is Ethel Waters and Mamba's Daughters.
Oh Lord, sound the trump of the jazz band.
Hallelujah!
We're behind the region's illusion.
Never fear to weary new days.
Mamba's Daughters is the story of Negroes who work on the plantation of the Wentworth family near Charleston.
A story of Mamba, her daughter Hagar, and Lyssa, her granddaughter.
It is the story of Big Hagar, whose great love of Lyssa has made her sacrifice her own life
that her daughter can be spared the fate of Mamba's Daughter.
And when recognition for the gifts, God gave him both.
Our scene opens upon the eve of Lyssa's triumph, her debut in her own radio program from New York.
On the threshold of this great moment for Hagar, she has come to the commissary of the plantation
to consult the owner, St. Julian Wentworth, known respectfully as Mr. Saint.
We hear Ethel Waters recreating the role of Hagar in Mamba's Daughters.
Why, Hagar, not at prayer meeting?
No, Sir, Mr. Saint. This is singing night on radio. This big night, you ain't here?
Oh, this is the night. Well, I meant to hear that myself.
Maybe I'll get to Charleston in time for the last part. You want to hear it over my radio?
If you please, Sir.
Is it time?
It begin nine o'clock.
In twelve, thirteen minutes.
Well, this is a big night, isn't it, Hagar? A night you planned and worked for all these years.
That's the truth, Mr. Saint.
Your daughter's a star now. Isn't it about time for you to stop working so hard and go back to town and live with Mamba?
Oh, Mr. Saint, I'd be a field hand so long, I done cleaned for good city way.
And if I ain't working hard like the other people is, I got too much time for tink.
And like Mal is saying, the good Lord ain't mean for me, tink.
Tell me the truth, Hagar. After the way you and Mamba slayed for her, doesn't that girl of yours send you any money?
There never was a girl do better by she-man, Grandmother. Why, that little girl can't send enough.
Just one for less, she send, Ma'am, one thousand dollars.
Hagar, you and I have always been friends. I know what you buy.
You're living on less than any hand on the plantation doing the work of two men.
Why don't you tell me the truth?
What is the truth, Mr. Saint? Here, this letter come five days ago.
This what she put in them. Read them. Count them.
Ten, ten dollar bills, a hundred dollars.
Well, for heaven's sake, Hagar, buy yourself some food and some new clothes.
You used to be always admiring the new dresses in the store when you couldn't afford them.
Now you can afford them, you're always in rags.
Well, Mr. Saint, I am very great trouble.
Bad news in that letter, Hagar?
I ain't know, sir. Can't read them.
You want me to read it to you?
If you please, sir. Listen, though, I can't read them.
She always send letter to Mayor. Mayor get Gardeinia read them for we.
But this time she say it for me, not for Mayor. And I ain't know what it say.
You had it five days.
I asked Willie May to read them for me, but, well, you'll see, sir.
Dearest mother, get someone you can trust to read this letter to you.
It's just for you, not for Grandma.
That's what Willie May say.
And I think it's something special, sir. I take them away from she.
You trust me, don't you, Hagar?
Sure, I trust you, Mr. Saint.
Mother dear, after the way you and Grandma have worked for me,
it would break my heart to have you think me ungrateful.
It's been the dream of my life to give you everything you could want,
but how can you want so much?
In the last four months I have sent...
Then not read them, Mr. Saint.
Who is to read it, Hagar?
Excuse me, sir.
I have sent Grandma three thousand dollars.
I thought she would consider that a fortune, but every letter asks for more.
There must be something Grandma is not telling me.
I am wondering if she has made up her mind to collect all my money
and put it up for my old age.
If so, she is wrong.
They are trying to put me across as a big star, and that costs money.
They want me to be seen in gorgeous clothes and live in a fine apartment.
Mother dear, try to persuade Grandma to live on what you have for a few months.
Then I can send more.
Don't forget to be listening to me next Wednesday night.
I am putting in some spending money just for you.
Your devoted daughter, Lissa.
Well, you don't want to tell me anything?
Better give me a letter, Mr. Saint.
Is Mamba banking the money?
Oh, yes, sir.
She thinks Lissa spent them too fast.
She put them in bank for she.
Why do you say you trust me?
Mr. Saint, I lay my life in your hand for safe keeping,
but my Lissa, she all I got.
Yes, I'd like to help.
Well, I'll turn on the radio for you.
But what do you do with the money, Hager?
I give them to Gilly Blutin.
Gilly Blutin? Why?
To keep he dirty, rotten mouth from opening.
He's been blackmailing you?
You've been paying him not to tell something?
Yes, sir.
What?
About Lissa baby.
Lissa had a baby?
Yes.
Where is it?
Mr. Saint, I tell you the God truth.
I do everything to save that baby.
Me and mad do everything.
We know how, mad know how to catch baby.
And that baby ain't die cause everything ain't done for him.
It die cause when Lissa carry him, she grieve, fret, won't eat.
So when that baby born, he so puny, he only live an hour.
But we do every God thing to save.
I swear we do, Mr. Saint.
You say had a baby and Gilly Blutin's the father?
How can such a thing happen?
My Lissa, she's good.
But one night, she go to dance with God, Deenia.
Gilly Blutin follow.
She never drink liquor for and she...
You've been paying him to keep his mouth shut?
He say it very strange about how come that baby dying so secret.
He say the police want to know about how come that baby die.
How long has this been going on?
Well, he start come around.
Soon as he find out Lissa got fine job singing on radio.
He say give him thousand dollar, he won't say nothing nobody.
We give him.
He come back and say give him another thousand.
We give him.
He say he ain't come back no more.
We think he ain't come back no more.
But he always come back.
Hager, why didn't you come to me before?
How many of your friends out here have doctors when their babies are born?
They have midwives.
If Mamba's been acting as a midwife, why Gilly Blutin would have had better sense than to have even made the charge.
He was just taking you for a ride.
You mean we ain't got to give him all that money?
Certainly not.
At least suppose you tell me just what happened.
Well, sir, just after, after Gilly.
Yes, I understand.
We sent Lissa to New York.
Teach her right back and say she gonna be fine singer.
Then my Lissa find out she gonna have baby.
She ain't one folks in New York know.
So may I bring her back to Chelsea.
She hide in Mamba room till time come.
And may I bring she down here to Viney Cabin.
The baby born down here in Viney Cabin.
May I gonna raise it?
But it ain't live.
So we bury it in the woods.
Say nothing.
You mean you never reported the death of the baby?
Oh, we ain't know that medicine.
Everybody know about my Lissa.
But didn't you know you could be tried for murder?
That's what Gilly Blutin say.
He say if we ain't come cross, he gonna have us frying in the electric chair, Mr. Freer.
Hager, Hager, what evidence has he got?
What proof?
You find out somehow when Lissa go back to New York.
He devil old Viney till she get weak in the head and tell him.
Then you put down right and Viney put she back on him.
Well, there's no use trying to fool her.
She's got you on the spot.
Hello, it's past time.
We're missing the great moment.
We better turn on the radio.
My mother is listening to me tonight.
And on this, the biggest night of my life, I want her to hear me say,
Mother, I owe this all to you.
That's something they write and play, ain't it?
No, Hager, she said it straight to you.
Thank you, Lissa.
That mighty sweetie, you baby.
Hager, don't worry over Gilly too much.
There must be some way to stop his mouth.
We'll have to think hard.
Yes, sir.
We got a fine way to keep his mouth shut.
Well, good night, Hager.
Lock up when the concert's over.
Yes, sir.
Gilly Bluten, listen.
I've got a fine way to keep him mouth shut.
I've got a fine way to keep him mouth shut.
When he went away, the blues walked in and met me.
Oh, Lord, I will come for the judgment.
Hallelujah.
We re-arch the region to check me.
Never fear true weary new friends.
Hallelujah.
Our thanks to the one and only Ethel Waters
for her magnificent and heartbreaking performance
and to her brilliant assist by Martin Blaine as Mr. Saint.
Ethel, darling, come here a moment.
I want to talk to you.
First, I want to congratulate you on the great success
of the book you've just written.
What's the name of it again, darling?
His Eye is on the Sparrow.
Oh, yes, what a wonderful title.
It's the story of your life, isn't it, Ethel?
Oh, I'm going to write a story about my life, too.
All my romances.
Really? Really?
And when are you going to write it, Tallulah?
Well, darling, I'm still gathering material.
But I work on the book every night.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
Not every night. I saw you at the Copacabana the other night
with a tall, handsome gentleman.
Oh, yes, I was working on chap nine.
That's nice research work.
Oh, I adore writing this book.
If all the men who are mentioned in it buy it,
it's bound to be a bestseller.
And I have the loveliest idea for a cover for the book.
A fireproof cover, I suppose.
I'm sure your book you'll use for your book.
That's all right, Ethel.
What's it going to be, darling?
One of the biggest fiction tellers of all time, Ethel.
Why, Ethel, it is not fiction.
This is going to be the story of my life.
Thank you for taking my line, too.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
I know, but who's going to believe it?
I got a big thrill out of seeing my book in the stores all over the country.
Oh, darling, that must be quite a thrill.
And I'm going to travel, too, all over the United States
and see my book on sale in every city in the country.
Of course, I never go to Boston anyway.
Ha ha ha.
And then when they sell it to the movies, you'll get another thrill.
Yes, Ethel, and this time, when they make a story all about me,
I'll play it myself.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
You've been listening to Meredith Wilson's His Orchestra and Chorus.
I take just a moment before we continue to say that this is NBC,
the national broadcasting company.
The Big Show.
This is the national broadcasting company, Sunday Extravaganza,
with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
The Big Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival,
is brought to you by Chesterfield,
the cigarette that has for you what every smoker wants,
mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste,
the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope,
and by the makers of Amazin,
for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia,
and by RCA Victor, world leader in radio,
first in recorded music, first in television.
The big stars in this program are
Brett Allen, Bill Baker, Johnny Burke, Eddie Cantor,
Eddie Fisher, Ella Fitzgerald,
Portland Hoffa, Jan Pierce, Ethel Waters,
Meredith Wilson and his Big Show Orchestra and Chorus,
and every week, your hostess,
the glamorous, unpredictable,
Tallulah Bankhead.
Well, darling, you'd be amazed at the pedigelasis
which spring up when we bring together a lot of stars
to do the Big Show.
Of course, this isn't true of all stars,
only those in the theater, motion pictures, radio, and television,
to say nothing of that new medium, investigation.
Now, for instance, on this week's program,
we have two grown-up men who have done nothing
but quarrel like the, well, like two grown-up women.
I take it that you are referring to me,
Miss T. Brockman Bankhead.
Yes, you, Fred Allen.
Yes.
Applause
I certainly do mean you, Fred.
No.
You and one of our other guests, Phil Baker.
Now, what could you possibly hold against Phil?
Well, a gun would be nice.
Laughter
Or possibly a hot shish kebab.
Laughter
Oh, now, Fred, that's not like you, darling.
No, it's not Phil personally that I object to, you understand.
We're really very good friends.
I like Phil.
I don't care what anybody says.
And they are saying it, Delura.
Laughter
But you see, I used to have a program on radio,
and I was going along nicely with a high Hooper rating,
a crew haircut, and all of that,
until one day somebody put a quiz show on another network
opposite my program.
And in one season, my rating dropped to nothing,
and I became quite ill.
I developed what is known as Hooper tension.
Laughter
Yes, but that wasn't Phil's quiz show.
That was another one.
Are you against all quiz shows?
No, only those that people win money on.
Oh, I can tell you a tragic story of how a quiz show
brought about a great disaster, Ms. Bankhead.
Would you like to hear it?
Not particularly, no.
Laughter
Thank you, I shall be glad to.
Laughter
This is a true-to-life story taken from the files of Mr. Keen,
tracer of lost ratings.
Laughter
It concerns a simple middle-class family of three,
living happily in Shelby, Montana.
A sweet little old lady, her husband,
and their pretty 18-year-old daughter.
Life was good.
The father had a comfortable job in the Montana State Prison
as hangman.
Laughter
He owned his own rope.
It was all clear profit.
Laughter
The daughter was going with a nice young fellow
who worked at the bank by day
and worked at the blacksmith shop at night.
He was learning to be a forger.
Laughter
And the sweet little old lady was content to stay at home
and make their modest little ivy-colored bungalow
a hideout for itinerant gangsters.
Laughter
This was a typical happy, normal American family.
Laughter
And then one day the phone rang,
and the sweet little old lady answered a question on a quiz program.
Well, she was right.
She won 12 Rumba lessons, a trip halfway around the world,
a deluxe model Piper Cub airplane,
and $3,500 in cash.
Well, the daughter took the Rumba lessons,
got mixed up with a South American dance instructor
who wore wedgies.
Laughter
And what last heard of, the daughter was dancing dressed in seaweed
in a low-tide waterfront saloon in Ecuador.
Laughter
At low tide only.
Laughter
The father took the trip halfway around the world
and is now stuck in Bombay, India.
Laughter
He makes a little money selling chutney by appointment.
Laughter
And running errands for the Foreign Legion when errands come up.
And the little old lady left alone in the ivy-colored cottage
with her deluxe model Piper Cub airplane,
cried to back the plane into her garage.
Well, hospital bills and repairs ate up the $3,500.
And she's now working in her sister's beauty shop in Sedalia, Missouri
and doing very well.
Yes, but who can be that lucky?
Well, that's what I mean to Louis.
You have grasped my intent there.
Now look, shh, quiet, says Meredith is listening.
I happen to have here a list of questions and answers
Phil Baker is going to use on his quiz program later tonight.
Oh, you borrowed them from Phil, huh?
Who borrowed them? I stole them.
I Nova-camed his pocket.
Laughter
Now, you, Tilly, you take this list and memorize the answers.
They're easy. Look, look at this first one.
Who invented the cotton gin Eli Whitney?
Uh-huh.
Who invented the phonograph Thomas Edison?
Uh-huh.
Well, you can win $64 very easily.
Oh, no, I wouldn't take money that way.
Well, if you don't want to take the money,
you're going to donate it to a charitable organization
of which I happen to be a charter member.
Laughter
The Society of Underprivileged Radio Gentlemen
for Retired and Poverty-Striken Ex-Stars.
Or as it is more commonly known,
the S-O-U-R-G-R-A-P-E-S.
Laughter
Sour grapes are worthy called, friends.
Yes, it is. The whole bunch is a good stuff.
All right, darling, and while I'm learning these answers,
how about some music by Meredith Wilson and his orchestra?
That number I heard you rehearsing this morning, darling.
Here comes the springtime.
Here goes.
Springtime
Springtime
Springtime
Here comes the springtime and there goes my mind
Oh, do they hide, do they hide
All my resistance to falling apart
Oh, do they hide, do they hide
Leave me being free, go away if you see me
Rye likes a twilight, sun has been
First morning dew, you are soaking me
Through the feelings that don't understand me
After the robin, the spring gets so starved
Holy, highly, highly
Here comes the springtime and there goes my mind
Holy, highly, holy, how friendly
Holy, highly, how friendly
Holy, highly, how friendly
Holy, highly, how friendly
Holy, highly, how friendly
Holy, highly, how friendly
Here comes the springtime and there goes my mind
Holy, highly, how friendly
All my resistance to falling apart
Holy, highly, hey
Gambling lamb, I impart you to spread
You have firstly something that's knowing
Lightning bugs like my Lethido excite
Hey, hummingbirds, watch where you're going
After the bullcarts, the lovebirds will start
Holy, highly, hey
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart
Holy, highly, holy, how friendly
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart
Dear, I'm hoping you'll grab it and ride
Here comes the springtime and if spring comes
Can Hope and Crosby be far behind
Here they are, Bob and Bing
Say Bing, you got a minute?
Oh sure Bob, I got all the time in the world
Don't tell me you own that too
Never mind that stuff, get to work with it
Okay, folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you
Mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste
And you can prove that yourself
Just make our mildness test
Buy Chesterfields, then open them and enjoy that milder, mellow aroma
Now light one up and you'll know Chesterfield's milder because it smokes milder
And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste
That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel
Yes, mildness and no unpleasant aftertaste are what you and I and every smoker want
Hurry up, Dad, here comes the music
Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place
That milder mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste
Ho ho, open the pack and give them a smell
Then you'll smoke them
Now let me see, now let me see if I've learned these answers
Who invented the cotton gin?
Eli Whitney
Who invented the phonograph?
Thomas Edison
Hello, Chesterfield
Oh, hello, Phil Baker
Okay, I was just thinking about you
You have a quiz program on NBC right now, haven't you, darling?
That's right, tonight at 10 o'clock, the $64 question program
Oh, I'd give anything to be on that program
Really? Well, I have the questions right here with me
Would you like to be a contestant?
Oh, this is too easy
Okay, here we go
And here is our first contestant for tonight
Madam, would you step a little closer, please?
What is your name?
Eli Whitney
What?
What was the question again?
I simply asked, what is your name?
Oh, my name, my name is Tallulah Bankhead
Well, there's a lot of folks here tonight from Tallulah Bankhead
Tell me, Miss Bankhead, where are you from?
Where am I from?
Yeah
Well, originally I'm from Alabama
But I've just been to Mexico City visiting with some friends
And you see, we've all been up in Southern Valley on our way up to Paris and San Francisco
Well, and these friends of mine from Chicago, they invited me to come here all to New York
And I've been visiting here with some fellas from Washington, D.C.
Well, that's over the hill
Here we go
You mean Washington TV, don't you?
Oh, I don't know anything about those things
If you say so, I guess it's so, but I just don't hear anything
Do you want to try for the $64 question?
Oh, I don't know anything about money
But if you give it to me, I'll take it
All right, let's get to the first question
For one dollar, who invented the cotton gin?
Eli Whitney
Correct, you win one dollar
Now, do you want to take the dollar and quit and go on up to Sun Valley and have a big party, or do you want to try for two?
Oh, it was a good tip, I'll try for it
Okay, here's the question
Who invented?
Alma Fetterson
Correct, wait a minute, I haven't even asked you the question yet, how did you know the answer?
I told you I get good tips
A friend of mine gave me that tip
Yeah, what's his name?
Oh, a fella I met when I was in Boston, a fella named Fred Allen
Oh, Bagsy Allen, yeah, I know him
His name is Fred
Now, Phil, please, now why don't you try to get along with Fred?
You know he's just a little sensitive about quiz shows
What did I do? I walked in here this morning and all I said was, how are you, Fred?
Oh, is that all you said?
That's all, how are you? He answered fine and I gave him a dollar
What?
I don't understand why I should get mad at that
There must have been something else, what else did he say?
Not much, after that I just said, how are you doing on television?
He said fine, so I took the dollar back
Well, darling, you have a habit of carrying that too far
I mean, on my last birthday, did you have to send me $64?
Well, I'm sorry, Tilly, that's as high as we go
Now, let's get to the jerk-pop question
Phil, would you mind playing something on that accordion you seem to have dragged along with you?
Something, shall we say, like Stardust, darling?
Stardust
Stardust
Stardust
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Music
Now Fred Allen and Phil Baker, come over here you two
Coming, mother
I want you both
Fred, I want you both to promise that you'll be friends
Now Phil, do you promise to be nicer to Fred?
I do
Fred, do you promise to stop needling Phil about his quiz show?
I do
I now pronounce you truth and consequences
Fred, now that we're friends, tell me, what exactly have you got against quiz shows?
Well, I'm not against all of the quiz shows, Phil
I was watching a quiz show on television all last week that was really different
What quiz show was that?
The Bookmaker Meets the Critics
Oh, that show, that's the only quiz show where if the contestant doesn't answer the question, he gets the big prize
Ten years
That's why it's sponsored by Time, they give it to you
Yes, and that jackpot is life
Well, Phil, let's get serious for the moment, let's do
More serious than we have been
What I mean about the kind of quiz show that you do, Philip, is the questions you ask
They're so easy, why an imbecile can answer them
Yeah?
Well, Mr. Allen, here's a question I'm using on my show tonight
What is the formula for nuclear fission?
Answer that
Well, it so happens that I am not an imbecile
Oh, you just saw that other quiz shows are so popular and that quiz show you were doing on television wasn't popular
I never did a quiz show on television
So why did everybody go around saying, did you see the Fred Allen show? What is it?
Look, I was only on television long enough for people to say, what was it?
Don't talk to me about my quiz show, Fred Allen
I remember you from Gordival, I caught you in Toledo one day
When you finished your act, there wasn't a sound of applause and some woman in the audience started spanking her baby
And you went out and stole three bows
That's the first bow you took in months because I heard your spine snap
Now wait a minute, let me
Phil, stop that
Now I caught you in Gordival too, Mr. Baker
You and that whirly-pzla-la-valir you had
Gentlemen, I remember your act distinctly
You had three midgets in your act
You had to have somebody in the act you could look down on
And you had three midgets and when you laid off, you were too cheap to feed them
You shaved the midgets, put talcum powder on them
And put the midgets in an orphan asylum until you got another job
That's how I remember the act
Fred, stop that
Maybe I can help you out, Mr. Baker
I doubt it
Paul and Hoffa, you're just in time
Paul and darling, I'm having so much trouble with these two men
Yes, I heard it
Fred, don't talk like that to Phil
Phil, that's more than he ever did to theaters
Now listen, Alan
I don't want to insult an old man
If you'd have been in Gordival a year sooner, you'd have been a monkey
Now wait a minute, wait a minute
You with that stomach Steinway that you can't
All right
Fred, now stop that
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Why you laughing?
Stomach Steinway
Remember what?
You want to play on words, there's a Steinway
Fred
Paul and darling
Oh, excuse me
Fred, remember what I told you
At a time like this, contemplate
Oh, yeah
You put a N, who ever heard of a N and contemplate?
Pointing a word and the mint is closed
All right, I shall contemplate now, but not out loud
You see, Miss Bankhead, it worked
What words you said, Paul and darling, huh?
How did you get him to stop?
Well, it's a little poem I made up
Whenever you lose your temper, you recite this poem to yourself
You're always losing your temper
It can help you
Your poem will help me control my temper, how does it go?
To compose myself in times of stress
I contemplate my water crest
Oh, no
While others rant and show distress
I contemplate my water crest
Her water crest
So, Paul and darling, if you will try
You too can do the same as I
When all seems lost and lights a mess
Just contemplate your water crest
Yeah, now why don't you go sit over there
And do some contemplating, Portland, darling?
Hey, Phil, you ought to try that thing out, it really works
Yes, I can just see myself carrying around a lot of water crests in a soggy bag
You need my name out of it
Now, now, Tallulah, contemplate
Oh, all right
To compose myself in times of stress
I contemplate my water crest
While others rant and show distress
I'm sitting home contemplating a revoking
Naughty
Disgusting
Moldy, limp spray of water crest
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Ladies and gentlemen, we have a big treat for you
A singer whom Ethel Waters calls the greatest riff singer of all time
She certainly has become one of America's most favorite song stylists
Her name, need I tell you, is Ella Fitzgerald
Her song...
Her song, Vincent Newman, Sometimes I'm Happy
The RCA Victor Rutland
Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm blue
My disposition depends on you
I never mind the rain from the sky
If I can't find the sun in your eyes
Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you
But when I hate you, it's cause I love you
That's how I am, so what can I do
I'm happy, so happy when I'm with you
Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm blue
My disposition depends on you
I never mind the rain from the sky
If I can't find the sun in your eyes
Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you
But when I hate you, it's cause I love you
That's how I am, so what can I do
I'm happy, so happy when I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
Ella darling, that was divine, divine
Thank you Tallulah, they tell me you're a singer now too
Well I don't like to miss it, but I'm glad you did
Of course you and I don't sing the same way
Well I'm glad you mentioned that
Well darling, I'd like to make a recording of Sometimes I'm Happy
Instead of just singing Give My Regards to Broadway
All the time, I could do a good job of it too
Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm blue
My disposition depends on you
Tallulah, the words are different, but the melody lingers on
Well thank you Ella darling, well let's linger a moment now before we go on with the rest of our show
When we're going to hear Ethel Water sing, to say nothing of Eddie Fisher
And we have Johnny Burke coming up, and Eddie Cantor and Fred Allen and the whole cast will be back
But first, Ed Hurley he wants to say
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And now Tallulah, if you'll ring your chime
Thank you Ed, this darling is NBC, the national broadcasting company
This is the big show, and Tallulah Bankhead is about to hail a taxi
Yes darlings, I hailed a taxi on my way to the studio the other day
And who should be driving it but Eddie Cantor's new delightful television character, Maxie the taxi
Oh taxi, taxi, taxi
Yes ma'am, where to lady?
NBC driver, I'm in a hurry, I'm in a hurry
Yes ma'am
Well, what are you waiting for?
Is the gentleman coming too?
What gentleman?
The one who yelled taxi
That was I
Oh, oh I had a cold myself last week
Say lady, you know something, you're familiar
Yes I am
I think I've seen you before
Look driver, I wish you'd hurry, if I don't get rehearsals on time my producer would be furious
Your producer, is that your boss?
My boss, ha ha ha
Darling I have no boss, I do exactly as I please
Then what's your hurry?
My producer will fire me
Don't you worry lady, Maxie the taxi will get you there on time
What did I do with that radio script? I simply must tell you my line, oh here it is, here it is
You know lady, it's a funny thing about life
Oh dear, he's one of those drivers
What about life?
Did you ever get the feeling you met somebody before?
No, but I'm getting the feeling I never want to meet somebody again
You still look familiar
Well naturally, you see I'm Miss Bankhead
Bankhead, Bankhead? Say you're not Nellie Bankhead
Who?
Nellie Bankhead, about ten years ago over New Jersey, the day you hacked the guy up with a saw
Was he a radio producer?
No
Then it wasn't I
Look darling, let me put your mind to rest, where it belongs
There is only one Bankhead, that's Tallulah and I am it
Tallulah Bankhead, are you the Tallulah Bankhead who's on the radio Sunday nights?
Now don't tell me they've got one on Wednesday nights
That's NBC for you, the minute my back is turned it's...
Well, well, well, Tallulah Bankhead, now I've got something to tell my grandfather
Grandfather? You mean you have something to tell your grandchildren?
No, no, no, I mean my grandfather, my grandchildren wouldn't know who I was talking about but my grandfather would know
I knew you were somebody important by the way you dress
Hey, that's a very classy fur coat you got on Miss Bankhead
Oh, do you like it driver? I got this since I started working for NBC
Funny thing, only last week I was driving a girl who got herself a fur coat just like that
Oh really? Does she work for NBC?
No, RFC
You know something, my wife's always hounding me for a fur coat you ought to meet her, she thinks you're great
No, she sounds very sweet and very intelligent
Yeah, every week, yes sir, no matter what the rest of the family says she's got to hear you
Like last week, Hey Maxie, she says like that, Hey Maxie, it's six o'clock so I say, so it's six o'clock, so what?
So she says tune in NBC, the foghorn is on
Oh, she's a great little kidder, the wife, always listens to the radio
Do you listen much Miss Bankhead?
I can't, you see when I'm on the air naturally I can't listen to myself
When I'm off the air, what is there to listen to?
Thank you darling
Do I sound conceited?
Why not at all, you believe you're good so you should keep right on believing it, it's alright
Well of course people say I am conceited but it's really sheer nonsense
If they really understood me, they'd realize that I'm twice as good as I think I am
By the way Miss Bankhead, who you got on the show this week?
Well let me see this, Jan Pierce, Ella Fitzgerald, Eddie Fisher, Ethel Waters, Meredith Wilson, Phil Baker, Fred Allen, Portland Harper, Johnny Burke, and oh yes, Eddie Cantor
Eddie Cantor, now he's good
You think so?
Why you don't?
He should be driving a taxi cab
That's what I keep telling my brother-in-law, what a no goodnik
Eddie Cantor?
No, no, my brother-in-law, oh what a character he is, when he suddenly appears at a house nobody ever says look who dropped in, it's always look who broke out, you know what I mean?
Ah, but that's life, that's what I always say
Is that what you always say?
Yep
How clever of you
Now I want to study this script, well darlings I simply must tell you what happened to me this week
Now you take meat
Oh no, what about meat?
Who can afford it, the prices these days, let me ask you a question Miss Bankett, what do you got in your refrigerator at home?
No, the usual, tomato juice, what is your sauce, Tabasco
Have you got any idea what that stuff costs, it's terrible
Let me ask you a question
But why am I telling you all this?
There goes my question
You know what prices are, you're a housewife, take for example when you get up early in the morning and go shopping at the supermarket
When I get up when and go where?
Now just look at the prices, then add up what it costs for one meal at home, for instance when did you cook your last meal at home?
Well now let me see, Mrs. O'Leary and I were out getting some eggs and the cow kicked over the lamp
Well I get it from this remark you do very little cooking at home, it must be rather lonely living alone
What are you driving at?
Well I've been hearing this Judy Holiday something on your show, you know talking about marriage
Well?
You are single, I take it?
I am
Why?
Nobody would take it
Now wait a minute driver, wait a minute you've just passed 50th Street
Oh I'm sorry, forgive me, we'll have to go to the 49th Street entrance, at 50th Street there's a sign bearing the warning, no left turn
There's also an officer of the law to add meaning to the sign
Well this is a free country, we're all equals, you tell him I'm Pazula Bank and I demand to be let through
Please take my word, any other time, any other place in America, yes
But at 50th Street where the sign says no left turn and the policeman is leaning on the sign, believe me there is no free speech
Well, here we are lady, NBC
Now what do you owe me driver?
Miss Bankhead, you owe me nothing
Well thank you
However, the meter you owe 95 cents
Well here's the dollar, keep the change
Good figures
Well it's been a pleasure talking to you Miss Bankhead
Thank you
And take my word for it you're doing wonderful on the radio, especially for a girl who is only in her early 20s
Only in my, oh darling, I don't believe I gave you a tip
Believe me you didn't
Oh yes, here darling it's five dollars
Five bucks, five bucks, gee thank you, thank you very much
Oh don't mention it, good night darling
Good night, how do you like that?
Five bucks just for saying she's in her early 20s?
Of course where I'm going for making a statement like that, what good is paper money?
Thank you Eddie Cantor for a wonderful ride
And here ladies and gentlemen is another Eddie discovered by Eddie Cantor
A thrilling new young singing talent who leaves in a few short weeks for the Army
Eddie Fisher sings Bring Back the Thrill
Bring back the thrill
Bring back the thrill
Bring back the thrill
Of the love that we shared when you came
When hand in hand
I thought you, only you'd understand
Bring back the thrill
Of the wonderful life that we planned
Only we two
Never lonely when I was with you
For we loved and we laughed in the sun
And the time that we spent was such fun
But I never thought we could part
When I gave you my heart
So long you'll wait
Night and day I will pray for you still
I'll wait until
You return and you'll bring back the thrill
You and I never thought we could part
When I gave you my heart
So long you'll wait
Night and day I will pray for you still
I'll wait until
You return and you'll bring back the thrill
applause
Now, simply, Eddie Fisher, come here, darling, I want to talk to you.
You're going into the army, I understand.
That's right, Miss Bankhead.
Which army, darling? The blue or the gray?
Well, anyway, Eddie, we all wish you the very best of luck, as you know.
And take care of that beautiful voice of yours.
Have you wired ahead to the camp for a nice room?
Wired for a room?
Well, darling, everybody's going. It'll be awfully crowded.
You don't want to be left out in the cold. You might get there and they won't serve.
There won't be any room for you.
Who can be that lucky?
Well, you don't have to take my word for it, Eddie, because we have a gentleman on the show this week who has soldiered all his life.
He'll tell you exactly what you can expect.
I refer to none other than the sad sack from the draft of 1917, Johnny Burke.
Miss Bankhead, this will give you an idea how much the army improved after they got me out of it.
When they called me down to the draft board to volunteer, it was supposed to be selective service, just like this last time.
Selective nothing. They took everybody.
If you could see lightning and hear thunder, you were in.
The line outside the place was so long, I thought before they could reach my turn, the war would be over.
This is the first time I ever saw a line where everybody was willing for you to get in front.
When I went inside, I know everybody in the place.
The man sitting at the desk that had charge of the draft board used to be our garbage collector.
He looked at me, he says, are you John Burke? I says, yes. He says, what's your name?
I said, August Schultz. He says, are you alien? I said, no, I feel all right.
He's answering the question, August, when were you born? I said, I was born in Toluca.
He says, when? I said, during the lull in the conversation.
He says, what I'm trying to find out is how old you are. I said, I'll be 23, the 1st of September.
He says, the 1st of September, you'll be in France. That'll be the last of August.
Then the veterinary came in to examine me.
He says, you ever have typhoid fever? I mean, you're so dumb. I said, no, sir.
He says, do you take fits? I said, only when I drink toilet water.
He says, what's the most you ever weighed? I said, 180 pounds. He says, what's the least? I said, 7 pounds, 8 ounces.
Does anybody in your family suffer from insanity? I said, no, they all seem to enjoy it.
He says, take off your clothes. I said, don't overlook anything, Doc. He says, you shut your mouth and cough.
I coughed and he wrote down rheumatism. I sneezed and he wrote, floating kidneys.
He worked on me about an hour. Finally I said, how do I stand, Doc? He says, that's what surprises me.
He's having trouble with about 14,000 men in this division, but you're the most perfect physical wreck of all of them.
And he handed me a Class 1A card.
Two weeks later I arrived at Camp Dix. I wish you'd see the barracks they put me in.
Instead of screams out in the wind, they had chicken wire.
The only insects that kept out was butters and eagles.
I donated a pint of blood the first night to the mosquitoes.
Next morning I woke up starved. I said to a fellow, I could eat a horse. He says, you came to the right place.
He was right. The first meal I got, I knew why they called it mess.
The officers ate in the officers club with tables and tablecloths.
We ate out in the street where we couldn't smell what we were going to get.
The eggs they gave me, the chickens were glad to get rid of.
I started to eat a bowl of rice pudding and two raisins walked out.
I got a cup of coffee and I had a time like keys. I had a lump of sugar to make it sink.
I took one sip and I put the rest in my fountain pen.
Every day was some kind of inspection.
One morning five below zero they called us all outside for underwear inspection.
You talk about scenery.
I went over to the quartermaster apartment and I said to the fellow, I'm going to have some long underwear.
He said, how long do you want it? I said, all winter.
He gave me a union suit that would fit Joe Louis three times.
The tail board hung down like a trailer.
When they lined us up the captain went to the back of the line and he hollered, Burke, stand up.
I am standing up but the underwear is sitting down.
We stood out there freezing. The fellow next to me said, boy I'm cold.
I just came up from Atlanta, Georgia. Down there the heat was intense.
I said, boy you were lucky up here they won't even put it in the barracks.
I was so cold that night I got a big quart of whiskey and a fellow named Jones and I drank it.
When it was finished I saw something wrong with Jones.
I went down to the doctor and said, doctor you better come up and see Jonesy. I think he's gone blind.
He said, what happened? I said, well we drank a quart of whiskey.
He said, does he see any pink elephants running around the floor?
I said, no, that's the trouble. They're there but he don't see them.
Three days later we sailed for France.
Marching down the pier to go on board the boat I had more hard luck.
The sergeant who was marching my company stuttered.
It took him so long to say halt. Twenty-seven of us marched overboard.
They pulled me up out of the water on the deck of the boat and the captain hollered, fall in.
I said, I've been in.
I was out on that boat twelve days. Twelve days sea sick. Twelve days leaning over the rail.
Everything coming up with nothing going down.
One morning early just at daybreak I felt terrible.
I was leaning extra far and right in the middle of one of my best leans
the captain on the boat come up hit me on the back and says, what company are you in?
I said, I'm by myself.
He said, don't get perturbed. What I want to find out is the brigadier up yet.
I said, if I swallowed it, it's up.
That afternoon the boat stopped. I said, the fellow, I guess we've got the anchor.
He said, I knew they'd lose it. It's been hanging outside since we left New York.
Another fellow raced up to me and said, get in the lifeboats quick. We're torpedoed. We're sinking.
The lifeboat I got in upset it and hit the water.
The only ones left in it was the second lieutenant and me. Right away he started giving me orders.
He said, reach over there and the boys come up and grab him by the hair in the head and pull him out of the water in the boat.
Well, I was doing it and one fellow came up bald headed.
He hollered, help me. I said, you go down and come up right.
Our thanks for the most amusing account of life in the Yankee Army.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, there's another great voice yet to be heard from.
She too is a dramatic actress who can sing.
There's so few of us you know, darling.
But here is one whose name is synonymous with some of the most remembered songs of our time.
Stormy weather, cabin in the sky, heat wave, diner. I can name a score of them.
But here she is to sing, happiness is a thing called yo.
Look at the water.
It seems like happiness is just a thing called yo.
He has a smile that makes the lilac wanna grow.
He has a way that makes the angels evil-side.
When they know little Joe is passing by.
Sometimes the cabins gloomy and the tables bare.
But when he kisses me, it's Christmas everywhere.
Troubles fly away and life is easy-go.
But does he know me good?
That's all I want to know.
Because my happiness is just a thing called yo.
Yo, Joe.
And his way that makes the angels evil-side.
When they know my little Joe is passing by.
Sometimes the cabins gloomy and the tables bare.
But when he kisses me, love, it's Christmas everywhere.
Troubles fly away and life is easy-go.
But does he know me good?
That's all I want to know.
Because my happiness is just a thing called yo.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Little Joe.
Eddie.
Apple.
I have been Johnny.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.
Meredith, may you long recall each rainbow.
Then you'll soon forget the rain.
Eddie Fisher, may the warm and tender memories
of the ones that will remain.
May the good Lord bless and keep you until we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you
till we meet, till we meet again.
Good night, darlings, and God speed to our armed forces all over the world
who hear these broadcasts each week.
The big show is produced and directed by Dee Engelbach
and written by Goodman Ace with Selma Diamond, George Foster,
Mort Green, and Frank Wilson.
This is Ed Hurley, he speaking.
The last was Phil Harrison, Alice Say, and later, Theatre Guild on NBC.