You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business.
For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as...
Fred Allen
Vivian Blaine
Alonzo Bouzane
Ozzie Davis
Jimmy Durany
Portland Harper
William Marshall
Jane Morgan
Rudy Vallee
Meredith Wilson
And my name, darling, is Lulu Bankhead.
The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show.
The Big Show, ninety minutes with the most scintillating
personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All-Star Festival.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Lulu Bankhead.
Well, darling, we sure had a time for ourselves in Hollywood last week.
Goss-ly.
Oh, not that we didn't enjoy doing the show with all those wonderful people out there.
But you've got to accustom yourself to so many different things.
Now, take a little thing like the water, for instance.
It felt different when I took my bath.
And even tastes different, they tell me.
Well, it was so good to get back to New York, I was walking on air.
I got out of the plane before we landed.
Well, I was so glad to get back that I...
Excuse me, Tallulah.
Yes, what is it, Rudy Valley?
Tallulah, what time is this show over?
Seven thirty, darling, why?
Thank you.
Excuse me, Tallulah.
To the young lady in the eighth row, four seats from the aisle with a dark red nail polish.
I've been watching you, my dear.
May I suggest dinner, a movie, and a nightclub?
Meet me at the stage door at seven thirty.
Please be prompt.
Rudy!
This opera expires at seven thirty-five, April eighth.
Employees of the National Broadcasting Company and their relatives are not eligible to enter this contest.
Thank you, Tallulah.
Now, just a moment, Rudy.
This is getting ridiculous.
Every week there's somebody on this program who starts making dates with everyone else on the show and completely overlooks me.
After all, I am Tallulah Bankhead.
Glamorous, exciting, and scintillating conversationist.
And besides, I do the hiring on this show.
Hmm.
To whom it may concern in the eighth row, please consider our date as of this evening cancelled.
I'm sorry.
For you, of course.
It would have been fun.
This does not preclude a future engagement.
Please send me your forwarding seat.
Well, that's better.
And don't forget we have a date after the show.
I won't.
And bring your checkbook.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.
Oh, excuse me.
Shall we?
Yes, dear.
To the lady in the balcony, eighth row, first two seats.
Now, Jimmy, don't you start that.
Oh, it's all right when Valley does it, but when I do it, comments.
What's the matter?
I'm as good as him.
Darling, you mean as good as he.
It's not as good as him.
Grammatically, it's as good as he.
Or better than he.
And not him.
He.
Teacher, can I leave the room?
Jimmy, darling, grammatically, that should say, should be, may I leave the room.
Any child knows that.
It's a little when a kid wants to leave the room, who's got time to think of grammar?
Well, Jimmy, darling, I shouldn't be correcting your grammar.
After all, you've done pretty well the way you are.
I ain't ashamed of the way I talk.
I got a pretty good education when I was a kid.
Oh, you went to a little red schoolhouse?
What's your language?
If you don't think I got an education, ask me something.
All right, now let me see.
Let's start with the alphabet.
Can you recite it, Jimmy?
That's easy.
N-B-C-V-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M.
Very good, Jimmy.
Wait a minute.
There's more.
O-P-Q-R-S-T-V.
TV?
What happened to you?
I'm in it.
All right, Jimmy, what comes after TV?
I don't know, but I'm ready for it.
I know you will be, darling.
Don't... didn't think I knew the alphabet.
Ask me some more.
All right, how are you with the arithmetic?
I can take it or leave it.
Well, now let's try you.
How much is one in one?
One what?
Just one in one.
It doesn't make any difference.
It does with rabbits.
Well, then how about this one, Jimmy?
A little more difficult.
Let's, uh, let us say butter is 20 cents a pound.
How much butter can you buy for $3?
I don't know that one.
Why not?
When butter was 20 cents a pound,
I didn't have $3.
Well, mathematics is not your forte.
How do you do with languages, Jimmy?
I studied them all.
I studied French, German, Greek, Spanish.
Oh?
What was the toughest language for you?
English.
And you mastered all those other languages?
Yeah, but it didn't do me any good.
Hit it, Meredith.
Say, now, the other day I was relaxing in my bubble bath,
sparing the big ones with minnows.
No sooner had I settled down and started to sing
when the telephone began to ring.
So calling for one of my butlers, I said,
Minnows, I'll take that call on extension 12.
And who do you think was calling?
The president of Yale University, Mr. Harvard.
He said, Mr. Durrani, we want to confer on you
the highest degree this school can offer.
And what do you think they made me?
An honorary human being?
But with all my education, my mind is not at best.
There's something I've got to give off my chest.
I won scholarships and lots of fame at Oxford and at Notre Dame.
But when I walk into a restaurant, I can't read a menu.
When I'm in society, I'm never upset.
You see, I know my etiquette.
Why, even when I drink tea, I extend my little finger.
That indicates a left turn into the spaghetti.
You know, this may come as a surprise to you,
but I was a child prodigy.
Yes, I was years ahead of myself.
Let me explain.
Most kids graduate from public school at the age of 12.
I was only four.
Most kids graduate from high school at the age of 18.
I was only 12.
Most kids graduate from college at the age of 24.
I was only 15.
And believe it or not, at the age of 32, I was only 27.
Why, Einstein wouldn't make a move,
a move that I wouldn't approve,
but still I can't read a menu.
You know, folks, the other night I invited Mrs. Van Hemingway out to dine.
At the Rudy La Poo.
I took one look at the classy French menu and it said Paul Roger 29.
I was afraid to order it.
But it was a used car.
At that junket show, Mrs. Van Hemingway handed me the menu and said,
would you mind ordering for me?
I was trapped.
The only thing I could pronounce on the menu was,
watch your hat and coat.
Anyway, I nonchalantly picked up the menu and ordered.
I ordered Boulangeres Milanais Vichy Soir Sault Blanc.
Two hours later, I came to order on a silver wagon.
Underneath the tray was a flame.
And on top of the flame, there it was undercover.
My Boulangeres Milanais Vichy Soir Sault Blanc.
I knew I'd muck before I got finished with it.
Placing it before me, I lifted the lid.
And what do you think it turned out to be?
A grilled frankfurter.
So you see, I save my money every dime,
yet I'm starving half the time.
Of course, I can't read a menu.
Wonderful, my darling Jimmy.
Hilarious as ever.
It was back in 1930 when Mark Connolly brought his tender and moving fable,
Green Pastures, to Broadway.
It won the Pulitzer Prize and a permanent place in the hearts of thousands of theater goers.
Tonight, Green Pastures is back playing at the Broadway Theater.
And if anything, more beautifully presented, more beautifully enacted than ever.
We are privileged to welcome to the big show now three of the famous players
whose artistic portrayals of the principal role do so much to make this revival
of Green Pastures a brilliant and memorable success.
Here is William Marshall who plays the Lord,
Marcie Davis as Gabriel, and Alonzo Bosin as Noah.
O Lord, sound the trump of the just word, Hallelu.
O Lord, hurry on to that day.
The scene is God's private office in heaven.
Gabriel with his pencil and paper is waiting in the pleasure of the Lord,
who has many, many important matters on his mind,
including how things might be going in those Green Pastures he made below called Earth.
Well, I guess that's about all the important business this morning, Lord.
How about that cherub over at Archangel Montgomery's house?
Where do they live, Lord?
That little two-story gold house over by the pearly gates.
Oh, that Montgomery. I thought you were referring to the old gentleman.
Oh, yeah. Here it is.
Cherub Christina Montgomery, wings is molten out of season,
and nobody know what to do.
Well, now take care of that.
You've got to be more careful, Geeb.
Yes, Lord.
Now watch yourself, Geeb, or don't you blow that horn.
I wasn't going to blow, Lord.
I just pick it up every now and then so I can keep the feel of it.
Is there anything else you ought to remind me of?
The prayers, Lord.
The prayers?
The mankind, you know, down on the Earth?
Oh, yeah. The poor little Earth.
Bless my soul, I almost forgot about that.
Must be three or four hundred years since I've been down there.
I wasn't any too pleased with that job.
Ha! You know you don't make mistakes, Lord.
So they tell me.
I find I can be displeased, though,
and I was displeased with the mankind I last seen.
Maybe I ought to go down there again.
I need a little holiday.
Might do you good, Lord.
I think I will.
I'll go down there, walk the Earth again,
and see how them poor humans is making out.
What time is it by the sun and the stars?
Just exactly half past, Lord.
Well, take care of yourself.
I'll be back, sadly.
And I couldn't hear nobody pray
I couldn't hear nobody pray
I was a way down yonder by myself
And I couldn't hear nobody pray
My goodness.
Things are real bad down here.
I never did see so much sin.
Why, I'd rather have my Earth people with a bunch of channel catfish
than I would mankind in his teeth.
I just can't stand to see.
Well, I guess I got to be getting along here.
Morning, brother.
Good morning, brother.
I declare, you look like a good man.
I try to be brother.
I'm the preacher here.
I don't think I'll see you to the meeting.
Oh, I just come to town a little while ago,
and I've been pretty busy.
Yeah, most everybody around here is pretty busy these days.
They're so busy they can't come to the meeting.
It seems like the more I preach, the more people ain't got time to come to church.
I ain't hardly got enough members to fill up the choir.
I got to do the preaching in the basin, too.
Is that a fact?
Yes, sir.
You look like a preacher, too, brother.
Well, I am, in a way.
You just passing through the neighborhood?
Yes, I wanted to see how things were going in your part of the country.
And I've been feeling just about the way you do.
It's enough to discourage you.
Yes, but I got to keep wrestling with them.
Why are you bound for right now, brother?
I was just walking along.
I thought I might stroll on to the next town.
Well, that's a pretty good distance.
I live right here.
Why don't you stop me and give us the pleasure of your company for dinner?
I believe old woman is guilty of chicken.
Why, that's mighty nice of you, brother.
I don't believe I caught your name.
No, just brother Noah.
This is my home, brother.
Come right in.
Yes, sir, and you got nice little home.
Have a ten-cent cigar.
Thank you.
Much obliged.
Just what seems to be the main trouble among mankind, Noah?
Well, it seems to me the main trouble is that the whole district is wide open.
Now you know that makes for loose living.
Men folks spend all their time fighting and loafing and gambling and making bad liquor.
What about the women?
The women is worse than the men.
If they ain't making love, part of the outing,
begging, barring, and stealing money for policy tickets.
Terrible, terrible.
Yes, sir, this used to be a nice, decent community.
I've been doing my best to preach the word,
but it seems like every time I preach,
the place just goes a little more to the dogs.
The good Lord only knows what's going to happen.
That is the truth.
What's the matter?
I just got a twitch.
My buck a-go, I guess.
Every now and then I get the twitch in the knee.
Might be a sign of rain.
That's just what it is.
Noah, what's the most rain you ever had around these parts?
Well, the water come down for six days steady last April,
and the river got so slow,
it bust down the river all up above pre-pour,
raised cane all the way down to the delta.
What would you say was it to rain for 40 days and 40 nights?
Ah, I would say that was a complete rain.
Noah, you don't know who I is, do you?
Your face looks easy, but I don't think I recall the name.
Look again, Noah.
I should have known you.
I should have seen the glory.
That's all right, Noah.
You didn't know who I was.
You just don't preach at Noah, Lord.
I'm your servant.
I ain't very much, but that's all I've got.
Sit down, Noah.
Don't let me hear you shaming yourself.
Say, you a good man.
Just wanted to find out if you was good, Noah.
Far as I can see,
you and your family is the only respectable people in the world.
They just all post-sins, Lord.
I know.
I'm your Lord, and I'm a god of wrath and vengeance.
That's why I'm going to destroy this world.
Just as you say, Lord.
I ain't going to destroy you, Noah.
You and your family, and your sheep and cattle,
and all the other things that ain't human, I'm going to preserve.
But the rest has got to go.
They all got to go.
Everything, everything in this pretty world I made.
Except one thing, Noah.
You, your family, and the things I said
is going to ride that storm in the ark.
Here's the way it's to be.
Yes, sir.
This seemed to be complete.
Now about the animals, Lord, you say you want everything?
Two of everything.
That would include giraffes and hippopotamuses?
Everything that is.
Well, there was a circus club in town last week.
I guess I can find them.
Of course, I can get all the rabbits and possums and wild turkeys either.
I'll just send the boys out.
I was just wondering.
About what?
About snakes.
Think you'd like snakes, too?
Certainly I want snakes.
Oh, I can get snakes, lots of them.
Of course, some of them's a little dangerous.
Maybe I better take a can of liquor, too.
You can have a can of liquor.
Yes, sir.
There's an awful lot of different kinds of snakes come to think about it.
There's watermarketsons and cottonmouths and rattlers.
Must be a hundred kinds of other snakes down in the swamps.
Maybe I better take two kegs of liquor.
I think one keg's enough.
No, I better take two kegs.
Besides, I can put one on each side of the boat and balance the ship with them.
As well as having them for medicinal use.
You can put one keg in the middle of the ship.
I just need to take two kegs, Lord.
I think one keg's enough.
Yes, Lord.
But you see, forty days and forty nights.
One keg, Noah?
Yes, Lord, one keg.
Oh, Lord,苦 inception
Episode 10
Well, there they are, Gabe.
Knowing these folks and the birds and animals, the whole thing, high and dry and starting
all over again.
Yes, Lord.
They sure is starting it all over down there.
Well, it don't seem to set you up much, Gabe.
Oh, well, Lord, you see, it ain't none of my business.
What?
I say, I don't know very much about it.
I know you don't.
I just wanted you to see it.
Of course, it ain't your business, Gabe.
It's my business.
It was my idea.
Why, the whole thing was my idea.
And every bit of it's my business and nobody else's.
Why, the whole thing rests on my shoulders.
I declare, I guess that's why I feel so solemn and serious at this particular time.
You know, this thing's turned into quite a proposition.
Well, it's all right, Lord.
As you say, it's dead.
Yes, sir, it's dead.
I only hope it's gonna work out all right.
I heard of a city called Heaven, I started to make it my home.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Our thanks, our thanks to three brilliant actors for those excerpts from Greenfaster.
Still an inspired classic of the American theatre.
Oh, Tallulah.
Oh, Rudy, I will not let you break our date.
Of course I wouldn't, Tallulah.
I consider you a lady of infinite charm and well-versed in the social graces.
Ah, thank you, my sweet.
So when we leave the theatre, you will let me whistle for the taxi.
Of course, Rudy, you may whistle for the taxi or anything else you may think of later.
Good, girl.
Thank you for each of those.
Oh, one more thing.
Yes, Rudy?
When we're dancing, I usually hum a verse and two choruses.
Please don't applaud.
Mind if I swoon?
If you do, you may feel confident that my arms are steel to support you.
And one final suggestion, you'll find yourself wanting to run your fingers through my wavy
hair.
Don't.
Just a censored, censored minute.
I never heard too many don'ts in my life.
I have a don't myself.
I shall respect it to the letter.
What is your don't?
While we're dancing, if you have the urge to kiss me, don't hesitate.
And now, if you will just cool your heels a while, vagabond lover boy, I would like to
present our next guest.
She is a beautiful blonde young lady who was born in Boston, tried to make her mark as a
singer, found the going rough, went over to France and overnight became the Toaster Parrot.
After four years, she returned to America as a French Discovery.
Here she is, Miss, Mademoiselle Jane Morgan.
Hello, or come with Harry Bootle, Lula.
How do you do, Miss Morgan?
My name is Rudy Valley.
Oh, hello.
This is a pleasure.
I understand, my dear.
Look, Rudy, if you don't mind, I would like to introduce Jane's song.
I'm dying to hear her sing.
What is your song, Miss Morgan?
Je voudrais chanter Hymn à l'Amour.
Eh bien, tu me prêches comme d'habitude de chanter à Paris?
Oh, mais oui, je l'ai chanté souvent.
Connaissez-vous Paris?
Non, je te dois Paris.
Mes élèves ont eu une boule pour leur printemps.
Vous avez parlé comme un vrai Français.
Je suis une doctrice d'envoi.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Eh, Miss Morgan, je vous invite à chanter la chanson.
Je vous invite à chanter la chanson.
Chantez la chanson, chers amis.
The Big Show.
This is the national broadcasting company Sunday Extravaganza with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
The Big Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All Star Festival, is brought to you by Chesterfield, the only cigarette that gives you mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
The cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.
By the makers of Anisyn for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia.
And by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
The big stars in this program are Fred Allen, Vivian Blaine, Jimmy Durante, Portland Hoffa, Jane Morgan, Rudy Valley, Meredith Wilson and his Big Show Orchestra and chorus.
And every week, your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead.
Well, darling, when we did this show from Hollywood last week, I left in such a rush, I forgot to make a phone call.
And it's rather important, darling, so I know you won't mind if I talk to my friend over this microphone.
Hello, Merle, this is Tallulah. Thank you for having me to dinner and for lending me that lovely scarf when I went home that night.
You'll find the scarf wrapped around the lamppost in front of my hotel.
I forgot now why I wrapped it around the lamppost, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time.
And oh, yes, thanks so much, darling, for lending me your car for the week.
Oh, and Merle, keep Tuesday morning free. You have a date in traffic court.
Oh, but it wasn't your fault at all. I found a wonderful place to park the car and they put a ticket on it.
I'm sure it must be a mistake because there was a big sign right there that said, fine for parking.
And oh, oh, yes, darling, about the car, you remember the lamppost I mentioned with the scarf wrapped around it?
You'll find the car wrapped around it, too.
Well, that's why I wrapped the scarf around the lamppost. I couldn't stand there and watch the lamppost bleed to death, could I?
Welcome back to New York, Tallulah. Red Allen, darling. Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Tallulah, it's so nice having you back in town. I missed you.
Oh, Fred, you're just saying that.
Well, frankly, I am. I know which side my bread is buttered on at 84 cents a pound.
Oh, Fred, I'm disappointed in you. Now, don't tell me you just come on the show for the money.
Oh, no, no, it's not just for the money, Tallulah. It's the rent and the food, too.
After all, money is only green stuff that's paid out to the government in the form of income tax too frequently.
Say, by the way, Tallulah, I took the liberty of listing you on my income tax as a dependent.
I'm independent of yours.
No, no, I am a dependent of yours. I depend on being a guest on this show, you see.
And when I am not, the most calamitous things do manage to happen.
Oh, come now, Fred, nothing calamitous is going to happen if you're not on this show.
Oh, now, please don't say that.
Look, let me show you what happened last week while you were out in Hollywood.
It started at home about a week ago today, yes? Last Sunday it was.
I was doing my morning calisthenics, getting in shape to lift the Sunday times.
And Portland was just sitting there in the corner doodling.
Doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle.
Portland, Portland, Portland.
Yes, Fred?
Uh...
APPLAUSE
Will you stop doodling without any yanking in front of it?
I was thinking that...
Really? Wait a minute, with what? With what? Let's... Yes?
Fred, when we go to the Copacabana tonight, you ought to buy orchids for the three ladies in the party.
Orchids? Are you kidding? It's bad enough to have to take a party of six to dinner at that sunken Taj Mahal.
I should buy orchids yet.
And it had to be this week you arranged the whole thing with Tallulah taking her show to Hollywood, and I'm out of a job.
Well, you told me, Tallulah...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You told me...
Well, if you have to dialogue, get some stuff for the frog in there. Get some...
Give the frog a few lines if you have them in your throat. Don't get it standing there with nothing to say.
You told me Tallulah likes you.
Well, she does in a geographical way. She told me she'd go to the ends of the earth for me.
But did she have to start this week?
Well, it's uphill. She wanted to get an early start.
Just when I want you to buy some orchids.
Oh, stop. Why didn't you go to NBC and clear your throat before we started the whole...
Oh, stop with the orchids, Portland. Look, I got along very well before I knew Tallulah, back in B.C.
And I'll get along... I'll get along...
I'll get along... You want me to... Five, ten... You clear your throat. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty.
Alright. And I'll get along now, too. I was on radio for 17 consecutive years before I went off the air.
Well, Mama always said you couldn't hold a job.
Yeah.
And Mama says you should have taken that job you were offered in Louisville as a disc jockey.
Well, that wasn't a disc jockey. That was just jockey.
And tell your mother to stop riding me unless she weighs in before.
Mama warned me that someday you would deny me the simple little things of life.
The simple little things like orchids, for example?
Everybody wears orchids to a nightclub dinner.
Well, what do you need with orchids? Look, can't you dye a couple of lettuce leaves purple?
And after we get there, you can sprinkle a little oil and vinegar on them, and we'll save on the salad.
Oh, no. Not again.
I did it last week when you told me to take the pimento out of the olive and put it in my ring for a ruby.
Well, it looked very good with that string of pearls you were wearing.
Pearls?
It was a wet-looking ruby, but I mean it looked well with the pearls.
Those baby onions you made me string around my neck.
Well, I thought you looked good enough to eat.
Well, if you won't buy the orchids, I won't go.
Good. I'll call up and cancel the table at the copa.
Aw, Fred, you didn't actually cancel the table.
Well, I certainly did, Tallulah, and the chairs, too.
I called up a friend of mine who happens to be working at the copa.
Hello? Yes, this is Jimmy the Ranny.
Jimmy, I want to cancel that table for dinner for tonight.
Cancel the table? Wait a minute, we don't allow eating on the floor.
Well, I mean we're not coming. Cancel it.
And you didn't go to the copa?
No, we didn't. And when word got around to the owners of the copa,
the tables were being canceled, so they told Jimmy Durandy
that they were going to cancel him.
So Jimmy instantly got on the phone.
Hello, Rudy Vellie? Yes, this is he.
This is Jimmy the Ranny.
Oh, hi-ho, Jimmy. And ho-hi-ho to you.
Don't push me out of the mic.
And ho-hi-ho to you, too.
Maybe my... maybe my mother got a second laugh. Oh, no.
You got a minute? Sure.
My time is your time, your time is my time.
All right, don't give me no contract.
I got a job for you. I'm being canceled out of the copa.
They're looking for a cheap act to take my place.
How dare you. When do I start?
Right away. You got any new fresh material?
No, but I'll have some written.
I'll call up a friend of mine right away.
Hello? Is this the Unemployment Insurance Office?
I'd like to speak to Fred Allen. This is Rudy Vellie.
Oh, hello, Rudy. Yes, you just caught me here in time.
Fred, will you write some fresh new material for me?
I'll pay you $1,000.
Well, that's a deal. Thank you, Rudy.
For anyone who noticed that I got my phone call
at the Unemployment Insurance Office,
I really ought to explain that I've been doing
so much business with them lately
that they have put a branch office in my living room.
Now, on with the plot.
Portland, order those orchids.
We're going to the copa tonight.
But, Fred, you canceled the reservation.
Oh, shucks, so I did.
Well, I'll fix that right away.
I'll call my friend Jimmy Durandy.
Hello? Uh, Durandy speaking.
Jimmy, this is Fred Allen.
I want that table back for dinner.
Hello? This is Rudy Vellie speaking.
This is Jimmy. That job at the copa for you is off.
They're buying tables again.
Yes. Will you get off the phone, Jimmy?
I have to make a call.
Hello? Yes, this is Fred Allen.
Fred, I'm sorry, but I won't need that new material.
Why? Are you going on television?
No, my job has been canceled.
Portland, cancel those orchids.
Well, Fred, you're right back where you started from.
Well, it even went farther than that, Tallulah.
Portland canceled the $20 worth of orchids.
The florist had been counting on that $20
to make a payment on his car.
They took the car away.
The florist's son, who had been promised the car for that night
so he could propose to his girl,
had to take a streetcar.
He started to propose to the girl on the streetcar.
The streetcar gave a lurch,
and he found himself engaged to the wrong girl.
And the first girl sued him for breach of promise.
And the second girl was already married,
so the florist's son was sent up for 20 years.
So you see, Tallulah, there you are,
having jinx high and low in California,
while this poor florist's son is sitting up there in jail
with a single petunia, all because you didn't have me
on your program last week.
For shame, girl.
I wish I would have.
Dipped her.
And now, here are two gentlemen who are on this show
every week for a very special purpose,
Bob Hope and Bing Crosby.
Say, Bing, you got a minute?
Oh, sure, Bob. I got all the time in the world.
Don't tell me you own that, too.
Never mind that stuff. Get to work with it.
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This past week, the drama critics of New York
made their annual awards for the best plays
on Broadway.
The award for the best musical comedy went to
Guides and Dolls.
We are fortunate to have on the big show this evening
the beautiful, young, and talented blonde
who starred in Guides and Dolls, Miss Vivian Blaine.
Come here, Vivian, darling.
Or shall I call you by the name of that Iranian character
you play in Guides and Dolls, Adelaide?
Call me anything you like, Tallulah.
I always say it's not what a patient's name is.
It's what a patient is himself or herself,
whatever the gender they may be.
That's what I always say.
You always say that, do you?
I certainly do.
I certainly do. I say it all the time.
You must eat a lot of dinners alone, baby.
Well, if I do, it's by choice, I assure you.
Please spare me the details.
I'll be very happy to.
You see, a girl like me has to be very careful
of the patients with whom she associates with.
I'm not a woman.
I'm a patient with whom she associates with.
Why?
Well, there's only one reason a guy goes out with a doll like I.
It's my bilk.
Your what?
My bilk.
Didn't you notice the bilk on my body?
Oh, of course, of course.
You're very tempered, darling.
I don't worry much about that.
Men go out with me for my mind.
Yes? Well, men go out with me for what I don't mind.
Every guy I go out with wants to nip.
Aren't men disgusting?
Oh, I don't find them that way, darling.
I went out with a man the other night.
He didn't even try to hold my hand.
Oh, honey, that's too disgusting.
This man happened to be a gentleman.
They are the worst kind.
I used to go out with a guy like that.
He had a lot of money, but he was a phony.
Oh, what'd he do?
He made phony money.
How's it better?
He'll get himself a good job.
How's it better?
He'll get in trouble with the government.
Oh, no. He's not in competition with the government.
He only made three dollar bills.
He was the best in the business.
What an artist he was.
But he was such a perfectionist.
He fooled around on each bill for so long,
he finally went bankrupt.
Now, why was that?
Well, each three dollars cost him four dollars to make up.
There's no money in money anymore.
And then he went into another business.
What an unlucky guy.
So nice, but just no head for business.
He was doing great in this new business.
And suddenly the phone company
raises the call to ten cents
and he's overloaded with nickel slugs.
Yes, it's getting so a man
can't make an honest dollar these days.
You're so right, Tallulah.
He finally got so discouraged,
he gave up being legitimate and went into a crooked business.
Oh, really? What's he doing?
He's in politics.
I don't see him anymore,
except on television once in a while.
I do see his wife now and then.
Oh, the eternal triangle.
Yeah, she's got to build something like that.
But I must say, I still vote for him
every election.
That's one thing I always say.
A loyal friend is a person
who is loyal to his friend.
Or her friend, depending upon
whether the friends are guys or dolls.
Well, darling, you just keep on saying that.
Meanwhile, I'd like to introduce...
We dolls on Broadway are loyal
to a friend to the end.
The end, good.
Now I would like to introduce...
Now you take a friend of mine, Tallulah.
Must I?
Well, this friend of mine, this particular friend of mine
who shall be laid nameless, is going with a guy
who got himself into a little bit of mischief.
He made it somebody.
And when he went to the electric chair,
do you know that she promised to wait for him?
Good for nameless.
Now, darling, would you mind
singing your song?
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vivian Blaine singing
The Thrill is Gone. Merger, if you please, darling.
The thrill is gone. The thrill is gone.
I can see it in your eyes. I can hear it in your sighs.
Feel your touch and realize the thrill is gone.
The night is cold, for love is old.
Love was grand when love was new.
Birds were singing, skies were blue.
Now they don't appear to you.
The thrill is gone. This is the end.
So why we can't let it go on?
The thrill is gone.
The thrill is gone. The thrill is gone.
The thrill is gone. For I can see it in your eyes.
I can hear it in your sighs. Feel your touch and realize
the thrill is gone. The night is cold, for love is old.
Love was grand when love was new.
Birds were singing, skies were blue.
Now they don't appear to you.
The thrill is gone. This is the end.
So why we can't let it go on?
The thrill is gone. This is the end.
The thrill is gone.
Applause
Beautifully done, Vivian. And now, my apotent Muda Valley.
Rudy, Miss Blaine. And don't make me sorry.
Glad to meet you.
My dear, I've been admiring your charms from afar
for all these 40 minutes and I find you singularly attractive.
Your pulchritude is exceeded only by your vivacity.
Come again, Matt?
I'm trying to say, my dear, is, Gert, what a bilk on your body.
Rudy, I think it's time for a song.
Miss Blaine, I can do much for you, my dear.
Oh, no.
I can take this rough, uncut diamond and hew it into a stone of unparalleled brilliance and polish
if you'll only put yourself in my hands.
No matter how they start out, it always ends up with necking.
My dear, you do me a great injustice.
Before we go any further, Mr. Valley, I'd like to ask you one question.
Do you gamble?
Why do you ask that?
Well, I just want you to understand, no dice.
That ought to hold you, son.
Now, Rudy darling, how about that song you made famous?
The Whippenpoofs song.
Mary Wilson, darling, music please.
To the tables down at morning, to the place where we dwell, to the dear old temple bar
and the magic of their singing cast its spell.
Yes, the magic of their singing, all the songs we love so well.
Shall I wait here and move on in and the rest?
We will serenade our leaves while life and voice shall last.
Then we'll pass and be forgotten with the rest.
We're poor little lands who have lost our way.
We're little black sheep who have gone astray.
Gentlemen, song, stirs up on us free, doomed from here to eternity.
God have mercy on such as we, Ba, Ba, Ba.
Gentlemen, song, stirs up on us free, doomed from here to eternity.
God have mercy on such as we, Ba, Ba, Ba.
Ba, Ba, Ba.
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I don't know whether you noticed it, ladies and gentlemen, but we had one gentleman on the big show this week who is famous for singing through his nose, Rudy Valle.
There is another gentleman who talks through his nose, Fred Allen.
And if that isn't enough, we also have the original nose himself, Jimmy Durante.
After they all got together, we realized that Valle, Allen and Durante on the same program was like putting bananas on bananas.
All of which prompted our medical assistant to write a new tune which he calls, Don't Put Bananas on Bananas.
And it will be sung by our nasal reserve trio, Rudy, Fred and Jimmy.
I was doing a little high class beachcombing along the Florida Keys one day, hoping that a little bit of flotsam or jetsam might chance to come my way.
When all at once a passing young beauty aroused in me a feeling of bodily paternity.
Freak dun dun, but true.
She was a local gal known as Florence Flotsam amongst the fellows of my paternity.
Meredith, do we need these gentleman?
Later that evening I met her by pre-arrangement of course.
Back of the merry-go-round, but all of her bathing suit charm of the day was nowhere to be found.
She was wearing false eyelashes, hooked curls where no curls ever grew.
Down was that wonderful fresh morning look. Well, scrub, we call it, my set.
For cheeks, well, engine house number two. Then I quickly burned her.
And this was my return. Don't put bananas on bananas.
Do not guilt a lily, I am bored. Don't take coronas to Havana.
Take no oysters to the Baltimore. Don't put bananas on bananas.
Ain't no dimples on my lane, is he? Girls, must you figure that a figure's better bigger?
Don't put bananas on bananas, if you please.
Folks in Nevada, they don't need any dice. Right, folks in Alaska, they don't need any ice.
In Milwaukee, they don't need any drool. Right, and so, my friend, let me say to you.
Don't put bananas on bananas. Do not guilt a lily, I am bored.
Take no peaches to Atlanta. Do not sail your junk to Singapore.
Don't put bananas on bananas. Do not add one hole to twice as many.
Girls just get muscle when they hustle with a bustle.
Don't put bananas on bananas, if you please.
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Well, darlings, we have more show for you with all of our guests in just a moment. But first, Ed Hurley, he wants to say...
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Now to Lola, if you'll ring your child.
Now be glad to, Ed. This, darlings, is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
This is the big show, and Talona Bankhead is about to introduce her next guest.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for our next number, we will...
Hey, well, look who's here. Hello, John.
Hi, Fred. I wanted to speak to Miss Bankhead.
Yeah?
Maybe I better come back later if she's busy.
What's going on over there?
No, no, John, look, this is only a radio show. Don't bother. After all, you are the radio and television critic of the New York Herald Tribune.
Come on over. I'll introduce you.
Talona, this is John Crosby.
How do you do, Mr. Crosby? How's your father?
The Bing wasn't feeling too well last week.
Fred, maybe I better come back later.
No, no, now wait. No, John, just a minute. I'll straighten this thing out.
Talona, Mr. Crosby is with the New York Herald Tribune.
You mean Bing, with all his money, would let his kids sell newspapers?
Toulou, John is not Bing's son.
Then why does he use his name?
Miss Bankhead, everybody named Crosby isn't related to Bing. It just seems that way.
Look, John Crosby at Toulou is the critic on the Herald Tribune.
Now, you know, a critic is one of those writers who's always telling actors how badly they do something that he couldn't do half as well if he could do it at all.
Oh, I don't know, Fred. Well, I can tell a good egg from a bad egg. I just can't lay one.
What makes you think you won't hear, brother?
Doesn't everybody on this show?
No, isn't he a critic?
Always knocking something. How did you ever become a critic, Mr. Crosby?
Oh, I had all the qualifications, a college education, a typewriter, and a bad gallbladder condition.
Well, are you going to write a review about the big show? Have you been listening to us lately?
No, lately I've been getting most of my entertainment on my television set.
Well, what are you getting on your radio?
Dust.
Mr. Crosby, I don't like your attitude. I happen to be a very good friend of the editor of the Herald Tribune. What's his name again?
Forrest Gribby?
Yes. After all, you're compared to the new around here, Johnny Cumlakely. I was around on Broadway before radio.
I understand it was before newspapers, too.
Well, now you didn't come up here just to insult me, did you, John?
No, no I didn't. As a matter of fact, I came up here as a representative of the newspaper guild to invite you to the annual Page One Ball at the Astor Hotel.
Oh, you're selling tickets. I'm sorry, darling, I don't care for any. Besides, I'm going to be busy that night.
I haven't told you what night it is.
Well, let's not quibble over details, Mr. Crosby.
Well, I'm sorry, Miss Bankhead. We were going to present you with the Page One Award for putting new life into radio.
Award? Well, darling, why didn't you say so instead of standing there telling me you're being Crosby's son and he makes you sell newspapers and you with your gallbladder condition?
An award? Well, thank you, darling. Are you on the committee to present me?
All too large to see who would come to please.
Oh, you fellas fighting to see who would come down here to invite me. And you won.
I lost.
Always a critic, aren't you? I'll bet your wife must have a sweet time of it with your criticizing everything around the house.
Say, you know, Tallulah, that's an idea worth investigating. If you'll just sit down over there, John, and take a gallbladder pill, we'll give you our conception of the critic's life at home.
We'll call it John's Other Life.
Well, John, did you enjoy your dinner?
Well, Mary, speaking in my capacity as a critic, I thought it was a little slow getting started. It kind of dragged through the soup, but it picked up at the end with the pie. Of course, pie for a finish has been done before. It's a good standard finish, but showed very little imagination.
I thought you enjoyed it, John. What was wrong?
Well, you could have done better with the sauce for the shrimp cocktail, and I thought the salad could have been done in better taste. But I will say the roast beef was well done.
Thank you, John.
Although I don't know how you got away with that one bit. That onion was pretty raw, but the radishes were pretty good.
We had radishes before. I didn't think you'd mind my repeating them.
Not if you don't mind mine.
Well, now I'm anxious to know what you thought of the pie, John.
I thought really, I thought it was an exciting two minutes that you had there. But didn't you underplay the crust just a little, Mary?
Why, John, my mother taught me how to make that pie. Mother won every first prize at every counter fair in the state. Everybody for miles around said that mother's pie was the best they ever tasted.
Nobody could bake a pie like my mother, and I was the only one she ever showed how to make a pie as deliciously as she could make a pie.
That commercial is a little long, Mary. Well, I guess I'd better get to work. I have to review a mystery show tonight. I guess I'll start out by saying it's a mystery to me how that show ever got on the air. That's pretty funny, isn't it, Mary?
Oh, didn't you like the show?
Oh, I haven't, I haven't heard it yet. It starts in a few minutes, but that's what I'll say in my review. It's a mystery to me how that mystery ever got on the air.
But don't you think you ought to hear it before you review it?
Are you trying to have me thrown out of the Critics Guild?
Well, it seems to me if you're going to review a show, you ought to hear it before you knock it.
Well, suppose I like it. Fine fix, I'll be in then. We're only allowed two good reviews a year. And I want to save those until I see what I get for Christmas.
Well, I don't care. I want to hear it and I'm going to.
Oh, Mary, how can I write if you're going to turn that radio on?
Now, quiet, Don. I want to hear this.
And so introducing for the first time on your radio, the adventures of Richard Richards, Private Dick.
My name is Richard Richards. I'm not the fat man. I'm not the thin man. I'm sort of in the middle.
And every gangster in town is out to eliminate the middle man.
I was sitting in my office one day eating my lunch when in walked this beautiful blonde with a beautiful belt on her body.
So I says to her, how do you do, sir? I didn't want her to think I noticed.
Are you Richard Richards?
That's right, ladies.
Well, my husband was killed last night.
Please, not while I'm eating.
I want you to find the murder room. You've got to help me, Mr. Richards. The police suspect me.
Yeah? Where were you last night?
Well, I had gone to dinner with some friends and after that we went to the theater.
After the theater we decided to go dancing and everybody had said I looked just like a doll.
And to tell you the truth, I thought I looked pretty good myself.
Well, anyway, I got home about half past four and there was my husband dead.
I told him he should have come with me, but oh no, he had to stay home and get killed.
Next time he'll know better.
So when the police began to suspect me, I decided to come here and give you the case.
So you won't talk, huh?
Mr. Richards, if you find out who killed my husband, I'll give you $5,000.
Now you're talking. Tell me, missus. Oh, excuse me, I should say miss, now that your husband was murdered.
Who do you think would have wanted to kill your husband?
I don't know. I don't know who would want to kill him. He wouldn't harm a fly.
Well, that eliminates all the flies.
Now we can narrow it down to people. Are there any people who might have wanted to kill him?
Did he have any boyfriends?
Yes, I had a boyfriend.
Where's he?
I killed him.
Just a minute. One case at a time.
His brother Joe could have done it. Joe and my husband fought like cats and dogs.
Well, now we're down to cats and dogs.
His name was Carlo.
Your husband?
No, my husband's name was Marlow. And he said if he caught him out with me, he'd kill him.
Who? Carlo?
No, Marlow.
Oh, oh.
But what Marlow didn't know was that Carlo was mixed up with a phony racketeer named Harlow, and he was embezzling him.
Who? Marlow?
No, Harlow.
Oh, oh.
But the strange part of it was that Carlo made a deal with Harlow to run out on Marlow. So he decided to kill him. Understand?
I'll take a chance.
Carlo!
Well, we're getting someplace.
Now if I can find the murderer, we'll have the case solved. Leave it to me. I'll go out and find him.
Oh, Mr. Richard, you'd better be careful. He's dangerous.
Who? Harlow?
No, Carlo!
Well, here we go again.
Okay, I don't care if he's dangerous. I'll take my 38 with me.
Ten cents there, ten cents back, and eighteen cents for expenses.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Mary, I'm going to turn this thing off.
John, what are you doing? I want to hear that program.
Well, I've got to review this program. How can I listen to it and review it?
Well, I want to hear it. I'm tired of you telling me what I can do and what I can't do.
Mary, I am warning you.
John, put that gun down. Don't shoot or I'll move.
Then does it.
Now, maybe I can get this review written. Let me see. Richard Richards made its bow on radio last night.
And I must say, I found it very dull. But I will admit, it killed my wife.
Well, Mr. Cosby, I hope you'll take our little conception of a critic's life at home in the spirit in which it was meant with malice.
Of course. I understand.
We all appreciate how hard a critic works to listen to so many shows and give each one an unbiased and objective criticism.
Thank you, Miss. Thank you.
Now, by the way, John, are you going to review this show, darling?
Oh, sure.
Well, now why don't you sit down and watch the rest of it so you can write a complete review, huh?
No, no. That won't be necessary. I wrote it yesterday.
It starts off, the big show this week was given a tremendous lift by the appearance of John Cosby,
whose ready-wifting charm caused the professionals to appear pale by comparison.
Thank you, John Cosby.
And thank you to all the ladies and gentlemen of the New York Press who honored me with the award.
I'm looking forward to April the 13th and the page one vault at the hotel where I'll meet all you lovely, lovely people.
Newspaper people, you know, darling. You have to be so nice to them.
And now I see Mary Wilson, chanting at the bit.
So here he is with his orchestra chorus to play for the first time anywhere, Joe Bushkin's latest musical composition with words by John DeFee, Other Voices.
Other voices, other rules, other arms that hold me tight, other music, strangers dancing in the night.
Other voices, other rules, other perfume fills the air, other midnight just remind me you're not there.
I like her voice, she's not my choice, but I won't be true, I refuse to get used to anyone but you.
Only one but you, other marksman, other rules, other pictures in a frame, other voices call me darling still, I keep whispering your name.
I refuse to get used to anyone but you.
Only one but you, other marksman, other rules, other pictures in a frame, other voices call me darling still, darling darling darling.
I keep whispering your name.
Applause.
That was Divine Merit, a beautiful arrangement of another colourful tune by Joe Bushkin. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we ask you to go back with us in your imagination to the year 1900, which according to my calculations is about 32 years ago.
18 is Central Park on a spring afternoon. Three gay young men named Jimmy, Rudy and Fred walk along the park in their straw skimmers and high button shoes. Of course in between they have on coats and trousers.
Coming merrily from the opposite direction are three devastatingly gorgeous young maidens, Vivian, Jane and Lou. As the gay young men pass the devastatingly gorgeous maidens, they slow down and look back, but being unfettered with a breathing, they do not speak.
And the three devastatingly gorgeous girls, being prim and proper, pay the young men the slightest heat.
Slow down girls, this is our fourth time around.
I don't think we'll find anybody better. And for goodness sake, stop staring at them.
You're a fine one to talk to, Lula. Your eyes are popping out from staring.
That's not from staring, Jane. My corsets lace too tight.
What do we say if they ask to go for a ride on their bicycle?
No darling, they haven't got a bicycle.
Why they must have. The one in the middle has a bicycle horn.
That's no bicycle horn, silly, that is no.
I like the one in the blue dress with the bustle. I like the one in the pink dress with the bustle.
Say I like the one in the black dress, and that's no bustle.
Sheep with a bustle, that would be putting bananas on bananas.
Boys, boys, boys, let us not be too hasty.
They may be hussies.
They look like ponies to me.
Yes, they may want to suspend money.
Well, we are loaded, Rudolph. We've got a dollar and a half between us.
Yes, yes, we're three couples. We'll only be able to take them to Delmonico's for dinner and then to the theater.
Yes, a dollar and a half doesn't go far these days.
Well, what can you expect with those Republicans in the White House?
Rudolph, do you think a Democrat will ever be President?
Oh, Fred, stop dreaming.
I wonder what they're talking about.
From the way they're looking at us, I bet they're not talking politics.
Look, I think one of them wants to talk to me.
What makes you think that?
Well, he's got his arm around me.
I've seen his picture someplace.
I always remember that Marcel hand.
Did I see it in the papers, Jane?
I saw it too. I think it was on a stereoptic and slide.
No, I saw it. It was in the post office.
He's a slicker. He looks to me like he's been up the river.
A small timer like that, he's only been up the creek.
Which one of us is going to drop the handkerchief?
Oh, not me. I got my nickel car fare tied up in it.
Tallulah, Tallulah, did you bring along any mad money?
I never get mad, though.
How long are we going to stand here looking indifferent?
I promised Mama I'd be home at four.
Well, I promised Mama I'd be home at five.
I promised my husband I'd be home at six.
Tallulah, here they come. Look, single.
Tell me, pretty maiden, are there any more at home like you?
Well, few consents.
But simple girls and proper too.
Then tell me, pretty maiden, what these very simple girlies do?
Kind sir, their manners are perfection and the opposite of mine.
Then take a little walk with me and then I can see what a most particular girl should be.
I may love you well, but let you go and flirt with those at home who know.
So, my little girl, you see, I only want but you.
Not quite bended, if you told them that you were true.
I won't care a pint for your sisters if you love me.
What would you say if I said I liked you well?
I bow to you.
Unbended knees.
If I love you, would you tell me what I ought to do?
I keep you all mine alone and always be true to you.
If I love you, would it be a silly thing to do?
For I must love someone.
Then why not me?
Yes, I must love someone really and it might well be you.
Oh, do you want an encore, darlings? How about it?
Okay, men.
Hey, boys, get up right.
Oh, tell me, Tristee, maidens are there any more at home like you?
There are a few kinds, sir.
But simple girls and proper too.
Then tell me, Tristee, maidens, what these very simple girlies do.
Kind sir, their manners are perfection and the opposite of mine.
Then take a little walk with me and then I can see what a most particular girl should be.
I may love too well, too well, if you go and flirt with those at home you know.
Well, don't mind, little girl, you see I only want but you.
It's not wise, tell them, if you told them that you were true.
I wouldn't care a pin for your sisters if you loved me.
What would you say if I said I liked you well?
I bow to you.
Unbended knee.
If I love you, would you tell me what all to do?
I'd keep you all mine alone and always be true to you.
If I love you, would it be a silly thing to do?
For I must love someone.
And why doubt me?
Yes, I must love someone really as it might well be you.
Applause.
And now, Tallulah, it is time for all of us on the big show to welcome a very distinguished guest
who, despite suffering the effects of a severe cold, has been kind enough to be with us here tonight.
We are indeed honored by the presence of that distinguished American,
officer of the United Nations, winner of the Nobel Prize for his efforts in behalf of the cause of peace,
Dr. Ralph Bunch.
Applause.
Thank you very much, Mr. Allen.
Ms. Bankhead, I have long been one of your great admirers.
For your artistry, of course.
But even more so because of your well-earned reputation for believing in and practicing democracy.
I am delighted at this opportunity to meet you on this great program.
Incidentally, all of your friends and admirers will be happy to know that at town hall tomorrow night,
on behalf of the George Washington Carver Memorial Institute,
you are to be presented with the award of merit and honorary fellowship for your outstanding contributions
to the theater, to the arts and sciences, to human welfare, and to good Americanism.
That's good news and something fully deserved.
You believe in people, Ms. Bankhead.
And as you know, that is the guiding light of the United Nations.
Belief in people of all kinds, in their desire and need for peace and freedom,
in their progressive well-being, in applied democracy.
I feel sure, Ms. Bankhead, that all who believe in the American governmental system
and in the American way of life will be happy to join me in congratulating you
on the new and signal honor which will be presented to you tomorrow night at town hall.
Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Bunch, from the bottom of my heart.
I am deeply touched and profoundly grateful to you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday we have another cast of the big name to show business.
Eddie Arnold, Eddie Cantor, Phil Foster, Tommy Henry, Martha Ray, and others.
And, of course, our very own Meredith Wilson and the Big Show Occupant Chorus.
Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you, whether near or far away.
Live long.
May you find that long-awaited golden day today, Fred.
May your troubles all be small ones and your fortune ten times ten, Jimmy.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again in Portland.
May you walk with sunlight shining and a bluebird in an angry tree.
Meredith.
May there be a silver lining back of every cloud you see, Jane.
In your dreams with sweet tomorrows, never mind what might have been.
Will you march on?
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.
May you long recall each rainbow, then you'll soon forget the rain.
May the warm and tender memories be the ones that will remain.
In your dreams with sweet tomorrows, never mind what might have been.
May the good Lord bless and keep you until we meet again.
May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet, till we meet again.
Good night, darlings, and God speed to our armed forces all over the world who hear these broadcasts each week.
The Big Show is produced and directed by Dee Engelbach and written by Goodman Ace, Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green, and Frank Wilson.
This is Ed Hurley, he's speaking.
Later here at the Inter Guild, now at Phil Harris and Alice Bay on NBC.