WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:04.400 You are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business. 00:04.400 --> 00:09.900 For the next hour and 30 minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as... 00:09.900 --> 00:10.900 Fred Allen 00:10.900 --> 00:11.900 Joan Davis 00:11.900 --> 00:12.900 Portland Hoffa 00:12.900 --> 00:13.900 Judy Holliday 00:13.900 --> 00:14.900 Dennis King 00:14.900 --> 00:15.900 Lisa Kirk 00:15.900 --> 00:16.900 Herb Shiner 00:16.900 --> 00:17.900 Fran Warren 00:17.900 --> 00:18.900 Meredith Wilson 00:18.900 --> 00:19.900 And my name darlings is Tallulah Bankhead. 00:19.900 --> 00:38.480 The National Broadcasting Company presents... 00:38.480 --> 00:39.480 The Big Show! 00:39.480 --> 00:54.500 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world. 00:54.500 --> 00:58.480 Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of 00:58.480 --> 01:01.200 NBC's All Star Festival. 01:01.200 --> 01:22.160 And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead. 01:22.160 --> 01:24.280 Well darlings, I made it. 01:24.280 --> 01:25.960 Didn't think I would you know. 01:25.960 --> 01:28.160 This was Virus X week. 01:28.160 --> 01:29.160 Not too severe a case. 01:29.160 --> 01:31.920 My temperature was perfectly normal, 110. 01:31.920 --> 01:38.480 But those ghastly medicines they gave me were not so much the medicine, the water they made 01:38.480 --> 01:41.480 me swallow with it. 01:41.480 --> 01:42.480 Wonder drugs. 01:42.480 --> 01:45.200 It's a wonder I drugged myself out of bed this morning. 01:45.200 --> 01:47.920 Well this virus thing leaves you so weakened. 01:47.920 --> 01:53.000 When the doctor turned on that little spotlight to look into my throat, I was so weak I could 01:53.000 --> 01:55.000 hardly take a bow. 01:55.000 --> 01:59.440 But I thought I played the whole scene rather well. 01:59.440 --> 02:04.280 Some of my friends from the theatre who came to visit me applauded spontaneously when I 02:04.280 --> 02:05.280 had a coughing spasm. 02:05.280 --> 02:10.840 But wouldn't you know that one of my very best actress friends tried to steal the scene 02:10.840 --> 02:11.840 from me. 02:11.840 --> 02:14.760 What a conniving thing to do. 02:14.760 --> 02:18.920 In the middle of one of my most dramatic coughs, she has a baby. 02:18.920 --> 02:24.040 But oh well, being ill has its brighter side too. 02:24.040 --> 02:26.000 Let's come with little gifts for you. 02:26.000 --> 02:27.680 I bring you something to lula. 02:27.680 --> 02:35.320 Ah, thank you Joan Davies. 02:35.320 --> 02:36.320 Here's a tin of chocolates. 02:36.320 --> 02:39.880 Oh you're so sweet Joan, thank you very much. 02:39.880 --> 02:40.880 You're welcome. 02:40.880 --> 02:42.880 You'll find they're gentle and fast acting. 02:42.880 --> 02:45.880 Joan please. 02:45.880 --> 02:50.840 Now let's take it easy. 02:50.840 --> 02:52.480 I'm not feeling my best yet. 02:52.480 --> 02:54.520 My throat's still somewhat hoarse. 02:54.520 --> 02:55.520 Really? 02:55.520 --> 02:58.360 How can you tell? 02:58.360 --> 02:59.800 It always happens. 02:59.800 --> 03:03.440 When I tell people I have laryngitis I get no sympathy at all. 03:03.440 --> 03:06.120 Well I've been sick myself since I came here from Hollywood. 03:06.120 --> 03:09.120 Oh I am sorry darling, I wish you'd have told me. 03:09.120 --> 03:10.920 My doctor's just marvelous. 03:10.920 --> 03:12.720 Oh I had a doctor. 03:12.720 --> 03:14.360 He's a theatrical doctor. 03:14.360 --> 03:18.360 Charges 480 a visit. 03:18.360 --> 03:22.640 Tax with amusement tax of course. 03:22.640 --> 03:27.120 Yes and you know I just had a wonderful nurse. 03:27.120 --> 03:30.360 He bathed my brow, catered to my every wish, held my hand. 03:30.360 --> 03:31.840 What a wonderful nurse. 03:31.840 --> 03:32.840 Sure hated to see him go. 03:32.840 --> 03:36.600 Well you know it sounds as if you were very sick Joan. 03:36.600 --> 03:39.840 Now my blood pressure reached a high of 42. 03:39.840 --> 03:40.840 42? 03:40.840 --> 03:42.160 You think that's something? 03:42.160 --> 03:48.000 With my blood pressure at its highest I owe him 13 points. 03:48.000 --> 03:52.960 And not only that Zulula, just think I have neuritis in every one of my ten fingers. 03:52.960 --> 03:53.960 Really? 03:53.960 --> 04:00.080 Well I have neuritis in nine fingers and in my tenth finger I have bursitis. 04:00.080 --> 04:03.800 And besides that I have a cough I can feel way down in my lungs. 04:03.800 --> 04:04.800 Lungs? 04:04.800 --> 04:05.800 Who's got lungs? 04:05.800 --> 04:14.240 And here's something else, did you know I have a silver plate in my head? 04:14.240 --> 04:16.240 I have service for six. 04:16.240 --> 04:28.080 How fast? 04:28.080 --> 04:33.760 Five years ago I died. 04:33.760 --> 04:35.760 Well I died ten years ago. 04:35.760 --> 04:39.760 Yeah I saw you in lifeboat. 04:39.760 --> 04:47.840 And not only that but that bit you were doing before about one of your friends stealing 04:47.840 --> 04:50.000 your coughing scene by having a baby. 04:50.000 --> 04:54.760 Well I had a cold once in Kansas City and one of my visiting friends deliberately had 04:54.760 --> 04:55.760 twins. 04:55.760 --> 05:00.000 Well two years ago when I had my appendix removed a girlfriend came to see me in the 05:00.000 --> 05:02.000 hospital and had triplets. 05:02.000 --> 05:03.000 Yeah? 05:03.000 --> 05:08.580 Eight years ago when I was making a picture, a picture in Hollywood, I tripped and broke 05:08.580 --> 05:14.760 my ankle and the director's wife had to take that very minute to have quadruplets. 05:14.760 --> 05:20.240 Seventeen years ago when I was touring one of my plays in Canada, a woman by the name 05:20.240 --> 05:23.600 of Papa Dion. 05:23.600 --> 05:24.600 I passed. 05:24.600 --> 05:30.000 I can't beat five of a kind. 05:30.000 --> 05:32.640 Is this a private clinic or can anyone get in? 05:32.640 --> 05:39.040 Lisa Kirk darling. 05:39.040 --> 05:43.040 Lisa, Lisa we were just standing here comparing ailments. 05:43.040 --> 05:44.040 How do you feel? 05:44.040 --> 05:47.040 Oh I'm in good shape. 05:47.040 --> 05:49.040 Yes I see. 05:49.040 --> 05:50.720 But how do you feel? 05:50.720 --> 05:51.720 I'm fine. 05:51.720 --> 05:53.880 Oh Lisa you know Joan Davis don't you? 05:53.880 --> 05:54.880 Sure hello Joan. 05:54.880 --> 05:55.880 Hello. 05:55.880 --> 06:00.160 Gee I saw you in that Cole Porter show, Kiss Me Kate, and you introduced that big hit song 06:00.160 --> 06:07.160 I'm Always True to You Darling After an Old Fashion. 06:07.160 --> 06:14.520 Lisa I don't think you know it but I was quite ill this past week. 06:14.520 --> 06:16.560 Oh I'm so sorry Tallulah. 06:16.560 --> 06:19.560 Just listen to this. 06:19.560 --> 06:23.440 Bravo that was beautiful Tallulah, simply beautiful. 06:23.440 --> 06:26.400 Oh thank you my dear enough an encore. 06:26.400 --> 06:31.200 So for an encore I will now run my temperature up to 110. 06:31.200 --> 06:32.560 A measly 110. 06:32.560 --> 06:36.520 Where I come from that's for newborn babies. 06:36.520 --> 06:38.680 Newborn babies that's an idea. 06:38.680 --> 06:40.280 Ladies and gentlemen for an encore. 06:40.280 --> 06:43.280 Not here you old man. 06:43.280 --> 06:45.640 Oh Lisa how about your song? 06:45.640 --> 06:47.600 Well dear I feel a song coming on. 06:47.600 --> 06:50.120 As delirious a song for you as I've ever heard. 06:50.120 --> 06:52.880 Lisa Kirk singing I feel a song coming on. 06:52.880 --> 07:16.080 There it is Wilson how about some music if you please. 07:16.080 --> 07:33.040 I remember my days of solitude when it was folly to dream. 07:33.040 --> 07:50.320 When my heartbeat was not required a great inspiring theme. 07:50.320 --> 08:07.600 But today my dark cloud is breaking music deep inside me is waking. 08:07.600 --> 08:31.280 I feel a song coming on and the morning it's a victorious happy and glorious new stain. 08:31.280 --> 08:39.960 You'll hear a tuneful story ringing through you love and glory hallelujah and now that 08:39.960 --> 08:42.960 my troubles are gone. 08:42.960 --> 08:49.960 Let those heavenly drums go on drumming cause I feel a song coming on. 08:49.960 --> 08:58.960 I feel a wonderful song coming on and the morning it's a victorious happy and glorious 08:58.960 --> 09:01.960 new stain. 09:01.960 --> 09:04.960 I feel a breaking song. 09:04.960 --> 09:07.960 I feel a song coming on. 09:07.960 --> 09:12.960 It's a melody full of the laughter of children all after the rain. 09:12.960 --> 09:22.960 You'll hear a tuneful story that is ringing right through you love and glory. 09:22.960 --> 09:25.960 Shout hallelujah. 09:25.960 --> 09:32.960 And now that my troubles are gone. 09:32.960 --> 09:37.960 Let those heavenly drums go on drumming cause I feel a song. 09:37.960 --> 09:40.960 I feel a song, a beautiful song. 09:40.960 --> 09:41.960 I feel a song coming on. 09:41.960 --> 10:03.960 Lisa darling, thank you very much. 10:03.960 --> 10:05.960 Your song made me feel much better. 10:05.960 --> 10:08.960 I think I'm ready to face life again. 10:08.960 --> 10:11.960 Tallulah, can you face me for a moment? 10:11.960 --> 10:20.960 I said life, but I'll settle for you Fred Allen. 10:20.960 --> 10:23.960 Tallulah, I'm certainly glad to hear your feeling. 10:23.960 --> 10:28.960 If you'll pardon the expression, your old self again. 10:28.960 --> 10:31.960 I am a little better Fred, but I feel a cold all the time. 10:31.960 --> 10:33.960 Oh, feeling cold is nothing. 10:33.960 --> 10:37.960 Without your glasses, instead of a closet, you must have stepped into a fridger there 10:37.960 --> 10:38.960 in the evening or something. 10:38.960 --> 10:43.960 But tell me Tallulah, did the doctor give you any shots of penicillin? 10:43.960 --> 10:47.960 The new ballpoint penicillin. 10:47.960 --> 10:51.960 Well, I don't know why Fred, but he gave me five shots a day for a whole week. 10:51.960 --> 10:58.960 Well, that's the way to get to the seat of your trouble. 10:58.960 --> 11:01.960 You know, I have had a lot of dealings with doctors. 11:01.960 --> 11:04.960 I remember when I was touring in Vaudeville. 11:04.960 --> 11:06.960 May it rest in peace. 11:06.960 --> 11:09.960 It keeps coming to life on television though. 11:09.960 --> 11:13.960 The dance acts are beating it down with their canes again. 11:13.960 --> 11:17.960 Well, when I was touring in Vaudeville, I was playing a split week in Walla Walla. 11:17.960 --> 11:20.960 Three days in each Walla. 11:20.960 --> 11:23.960 And I developed Berry Berry. 11:23.960 --> 11:26.960 A berry in each Walla in Sudan. 11:26.960 --> 11:28.960 And that was 20 years ago. 11:28.960 --> 11:31.960 Well, I went to a doctor there in Walla Walla. 11:31.960 --> 11:35.960 He came out with a divining rod and found water on my knee. 11:35.960 --> 11:39.960 And he gave me... 11:39.960 --> 11:41.960 That's all he had, a divining rod and a bonfire. 11:41.960 --> 11:44.960 An old cannibal doctor had a bonfire in the office going. 11:44.960 --> 11:48.960 Well, this doctor gave me six months to live. 11:48.960 --> 11:55.960 Well, you certainly moved him, didn't you Fred, and me too. 11:55.960 --> 11:59.960 Well, there are two schools of thought on that, Tallulah. 11:59.960 --> 12:04.960 Last evening, a mortician beckoned to me from a doorway, but I passed him by. 12:04.960 --> 12:09.960 Every doctor I go to these days tells me that I ought to lose a little weight around the hips. 12:09.960 --> 12:13.960 So he starts by slimming down my wallet. 12:13.960 --> 12:17.960 You know how it is when you go to a doctor, he fields your purse right away. 12:17.960 --> 12:20.960 Well, I have a doctor now. 12:20.960 --> 12:24.960 I have a doctor now. Every time I go to him, he gives me another prescription. 12:24.960 --> 12:26.960 Well, what are the prescriptions good for, Fred? 12:26.960 --> 12:29.960 Oh, they're good for the doctor. 12:29.960 --> 12:43.960 My ulcer sent his oldest son through Harvard. 12:43.960 --> 12:48.960 My high blood pressure married off his daughter at the Waldorf. 12:48.960 --> 12:53.960 And my sacroiliac sent his wife to Florida. 12:53.960 --> 12:57.960 And now frankly, Tallulah, I am a little worried about my liver. 12:57.960 --> 12:59.960 But Fred, has it been bothering you? 12:59.960 --> 13:10.960 Well, not yet. But the other day, I saw my doctor's wife at Bergdorf Goodman's, browsing through the mink coat rack. 13:10.960 --> 13:15.960 And I do hope that she finds a short jacket she likes. 13:15.960 --> 13:20.960 Because if she doesn't, I am in for an operation. 13:20.960 --> 13:25.960 Well, in spite of everything you say, Fred, I don't think I've ever seen you looking better. 13:25.960 --> 13:27.960 What have you been doing lately? 13:27.960 --> 13:31.960 Well, I'm out in the air a lot, running from doctor to doctor, you know. 13:31.960 --> 13:33.960 Well, things have been picking up for me, though. 13:33.960 --> 13:38.960 As you probably know, I was in radio for 17 years, until a queer show knocked me off. 13:38.960 --> 13:41.960 And I accumulated thousands of scripts. 13:41.960 --> 13:47.960 And last week, through a stroke of good fortune, I received a very important offer for my old radio script. 13:47.960 --> 13:49.960 Oh, that's wonderful, Fred. Does that mean you're coming back to radio? 13:49.960 --> 13:51.960 Oh, no, no. This is a private enterprise. 13:51.960 --> 13:56.960 I am selling confetti to small towns who have no celebrities returning. 13:56.960 --> 14:00.960 These small towns can have the band play and throw the confetti around the streets. 14:00.960 --> 14:04.960 And that way, they can have a big day and they don't even need a celebrity, you see. 14:04.960 --> 14:07.960 What a way to treat those wonderful jokes in your script, Fred. 14:07.960 --> 14:12.960 All those scripts torn into shreds, scattered over the streets, picked up by the sanitation department. 14:12.960 --> 14:17.960 Bail sold as waste, ground into pulp, and converted into paper and made into newspapers and magazines. 14:17.960 --> 14:22.960 Well, that completes the cycle, because that's where I got the jokes in the first place. 14:22.960 --> 14:41.960 Well, some things on the printed page last forever, especially if it's written by George Bernard Shaw, one of the great wits of our time. 14:41.960 --> 14:45.960 Shaw wrote some of the most brilliant satirical comedy we have ever heard in the theater. 14:45.960 --> 14:51.960 This past week, I was going through one of my old theater programs and ran across one of the most brilliant scenes Shaw ever wrote. 14:51.960 --> 14:53.960 It's in a play called The Devil's Disciple. 14:53.960 --> 14:57.960 We cabled to London for permission to do an excerpt from this fine satirical comedy, 14:57.960 --> 15:02.960 and we were fortunate to have secured the services of one of America's and England's finest actors, 15:02.960 --> 15:07.960 whose portrayal of General Burgoyne made that evening in the theater so memorable for me. 15:07.960 --> 15:14.960 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dennis King. 15:14.960 --> 15:21.960 The scene in New Hampshire, the time 1777, during the Revolutionary War, the play The Devil's Disciple, 15:21.960 --> 15:29.960 which sadly refers to young Richard Dudgeon, American, known as the Devil's Disciple because of his lively disrespect for certain Puritan observances. 15:29.960 --> 15:35.960 In the play, Richard Dudgeon has been arrested by the British, mistaken for a Yankee Presbyterian minister, one Anthony Anderson, 15:35.960 --> 15:38.960 whom the British would hang as an example to rebellious colonists. 15:38.960 --> 15:43.960 As a matter of principle, however, Richard does not attempt to save himself by revealing that he is not Anderson. 15:43.960 --> 15:47.960 As our scene opens, the Red Coast prepare to bring Richard Dudgeon to trial. 15:47.960 --> 15:53.960 Here we meet General John Burgoyne, whom Shaw describes as age 55 and very well preserved, 15:53.960 --> 16:01.960 a man of fashion, gallant, witty, and aristocratically connected enough to have had opportunities of high military distinction. 16:01.960 --> 16:05.960 Here is Dennis King in his famous role of General Burgoyne. 16:05.960 --> 16:25.960 The General, sir. 16:25.960 --> 16:27.960 Major Swindon, I presume? 16:27.960 --> 16:33.960 Yes. General Burgoyne, if I'm not mistaken. I'm glad to have the support of your presence this morning. 16:33.960 --> 16:38.960 It is not a particularly lively business, hanging this poor devil of a minister? 16:38.960 --> 16:43.960 No, sir, it is not. It's making too much of the fellow to execute him. 16:43.960 --> 16:46.960 What more could you have done if he'd been an Episcopalian? 16:46.960 --> 16:53.960 Martyrdom, sir, is what these people like. It is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. 16:53.960 --> 16:57.960 However, you have committed us to hanging him, and the sooner he's hanged, the better. 16:57.960 --> 17:02.960 We've arranged it for twelve o'clock. Nothing remains to be done except to try him. 17:02.960 --> 17:08.960 Nothing except to save our own necks, perhaps? Have you heard the news from Springtown? 17:08.960 --> 17:11.960 Nothing special, sir. The latest reports are satisfactory. 17:11.960 --> 17:16.960 Satisfactory, sir, satisfactory? Well, I'm glad you take that view of them. 17:16.960 --> 17:18.960 Do I understand that in your opinion... 17:18.960 --> 17:26.960 I do not express my opinion. I never stoop to that habit of profane language, which unfortunately cautions our profession. 17:26.960 --> 17:32.960 If I did, sir, perhaps I should be able to express my opinion of the news from Springtown. 17:32.960 --> 17:37.960 The news which you have apparently not heard. 17:37.960 --> 17:42.960 How soon do you get news from your supports here? In the course of a month? 17:42.960 --> 17:48.960 Eh? I suppose the reports have been taken to you, sir, instead of to me. Is there anything serious? 17:48.960 --> 17:51.960 Well, Springtown's in the hands of the rebels. Since yesterday? 17:51.960 --> 17:57.960 It's two o'clock this morning. Perhaps we shall be in their hands before two o'clock tomorrow morning. Have you thought of that? 17:57.960 --> 18:01.960 As to that, General, the British soldier will give a good account of himself. 18:01.960 --> 18:05.960 And therefore, I suppose, sir, the British officer need not know his business. 18:05.960 --> 18:09.960 The British soldier will get him out of all his blunders with a bayonet. 18:09.960 --> 18:18.960 In future, sir, I must ask you to be a little less generous with the blood of your men and a little more generous with your own brains. 18:18.960 --> 18:27.960 I'm sorry, sir, I cannot pretend to your intellectual eminence. I can only do my best and rely on the devotion of my countrymen. 18:27.960 --> 18:30.960 May I ask, are you writing a melodrama, Major Swindon? 18:30.960 --> 18:31.960 No, sir. 18:31.960 --> 18:38.960 Oh, what a pity, what a pity. Do you at all realize, sir, that we have nothing standing between us and our destruction, 18:38.960 --> 18:45.960 but our own bluff and the sheepishness of these colonists? They are men of the same English stock as ourselves. 18:45.960 --> 18:57.960 Six to one of us. Six to one, sir. And nearly half our troops are Hessians, Brunswickers, German dragoons, and Indians with scalping knives. 18:57.960 --> 19:02.960 These are the countrymen upon whose devotion you rely. 19:02.960 --> 19:10.960 Suppose the colonists find a leader. Suppose the news from Springtown should turn out to mean that they have already found a leader. 19:10.960 --> 19:11.960 What should we do then, eh? 19:11.960 --> 19:13.960 Our duty, sir, I presume. 19:13.960 --> 19:17.960 Quite so, quite so. Well, thank you, Major Swindon, thank you. 19:17.960 --> 19:22.960 Well, now you've settled the question, sir, thrown a flood of light on the situation. 19:22.960 --> 19:31.960 What a comfort to me to feel that I have at my side so devoted and able an officer to support me in this emergency. 19:31.960 --> 19:40.960 I, uh, I think, sir, it will probably relieve both our feelings if we proceed to hang this dissenter without further delay, 19:40.960 --> 19:46.960 especially as I am debarred by my principles from the customary military vent for my feelings. 19:46.960 --> 19:48.960 Bring your man in. Yes, sir. 19:48.960 --> 19:52.960 And mention to any officer you may meet that the court cannot wait any longer for him. 19:52.960 --> 19:56.960 The staff is perfectly ready, sir. They've been waiting your convenience for fully half an hour. 19:56.960 --> 19:59.960 Perfectly ready, sir. So am I, so am I, so am I. 19:59.960 --> 20:05.960 Ah, good morning, gentlemen, good morning. Sorry to disturb you, I'm sure. It's very good of you to spare us a few moments. 20:05.960 --> 20:06.960 Will you preside, sir? 20:06.960 --> 20:11.960 Oh, no, sir, I, I feel my own deficiencies too keenly to presume so far. 20:11.960 --> 20:15.960 If you'll kindly allow me, I will sit at the feet of Gamaliel. 20:15.960 --> 20:21.960 As you please, sir. I'm only trying to do my duty under excessively trying circumstances. 20:21.960 --> 20:24.960 Who, uh, who is that woman? 20:24.960 --> 20:28.960 Prisoner's wife, sir. She begged me to allow her to be present and I thought that... 20:28.960 --> 20:29.960 You thought it would be a pleasure for her? 20:29.960 --> 20:31.960 Quite so, quite so, quite so. 20:31.960 --> 20:36.960 Give the, give the lady a chair and make her thoroughly comfortable. 20:36.960 --> 20:37.960 Your name, sir? 20:37.960 --> 20:40.960 Come, you don't mean to say you've brought me here without knowing who I am. 20:40.960 --> 20:43.960 As a matter of form, sir, give me your name. 20:43.960 --> 20:48.960 As a matter of form, then, my name is Anthony Anderson, Presbyterian minister in this town. 20:48.960 --> 20:52.960 Indeed. Pray, Mr. Anderson, what do you gentlemen believe? 20:52.960 --> 20:58.960 I shall be happy to explain. If time has allowed me, I cannot undertake to complete your conversion in less than a fortnight. 20:58.960 --> 21:00.960 We are not here to discuss your view. 21:00.960 --> 21:02.960 Oh, I stand review. Oh, not you, sir. 21:02.960 --> 21:05.960 Oh, don't mention it. Don't mention it, they just winded me. 21:05.960 --> 21:09.960 Oh, Mr. Anderson, any, uh, any political views? 21:09.960 --> 21:12.960 I understand. That's just what we're here to find out. 21:12.960 --> 21:14.960 Do you mean to deny that you are a rebel? 21:14.960 --> 21:15.960 I am an American, sir. 21:15.960 --> 21:17.960 What do you expect me to think of that speech, Mr. Anderson? 21:17.960 --> 21:20.960 I never expect a soldier to think, sir. 21:20.960 --> 21:22.960 Oh, that's awfully good. Oh, that's lovely. 21:22.960 --> 21:24.960 I advise you not to be insolent, sir. 21:24.960 --> 21:26.960 You can't help yourself, General. 21:26.960 --> 21:30.960 When you make up your mind to hang a man, you put yourself at a disadvantage with him. 21:30.960 --> 21:32.960 Why should I be civil to you? 21:32.960 --> 21:35.960 I may as well be hanging for a sheep as a lamb. 21:35.960 --> 21:39.960 You have no right to assume that the court has made up its mind without a fair trial. 21:39.960 --> 21:42.960 And you're pleased not to address me as general. I am major Swindon. 21:42.960 --> 21:46.960 A thousand pardons. I thought I had the honor of addressing gentlemanly Johnny. 21:46.960 --> 21:51.960 I, uh, I believe I am gentlemanly Johnny, sir, at your service. 21:51.960 --> 21:55.960 My more intimate friends call me General Burgoyne. 21:55.960 --> 21:59.960 You will, uh, you will understand, sir, I hope, since you seem to be a gentleman 21:59.960 --> 22:02.960 and a man of some spirit, in spite of your calling, 22:02.960 --> 22:05.960 that if we should have the misfortune to hang you, 22:05.960 --> 22:09.960 we shall do so as a mere matter of political necessity and military duty 22:09.960 --> 22:12.960 without any personal ill-feeling. 22:12.960 --> 22:16.960 Oh, quite so. That makes all the difference in the world, of course. 22:16.960 --> 22:19.960 Oh, believe me, sir, you are placing us under the greatest obligation 22:19.960 --> 22:24.960 by taking this very disagreeable business so thoroughly in the spirit of a gentleman. 22:24.960 --> 22:28.960 Sergeant, give Mr. Anderson a chair. 22:28.960 --> 22:30.960 Now, Major Swinwy, waiting for you. 22:30.960 --> 22:34.960 You are aware, I presume, Mr. Anderson, of your obligations 22:34.960 --> 22:36.960 as a subject of His Majesty King George III. 22:36.960 --> 22:41.960 I am aware, sir, that His Majesty King George III is about to hang me 22:41.960 --> 22:43.960 because I object to Lord North's robbing me. 22:43.960 --> 22:45.960 That is a treasonable speech, sir. 22:45.960 --> 22:46.960 Yes, I mean it to be. 22:46.960 --> 22:50.960 Uh, uh, Mr. Anderson, uh, don't you think that this is rather... 22:50.960 --> 22:54.960 Well, if you'll excuse the word, a vulgar line to take. 22:54.960 --> 22:56.960 Now, why should you cry out robbery 22:56.960 --> 22:59.960 because of a stamp duty and a tea duty and so forth? 22:59.960 --> 23:02.960 After all, it is the essence of your position as a gentleman 23:02.960 --> 23:04.960 that you pay with a good grade. 23:04.960 --> 23:06.960 It is not the money, General, 23:06.960 --> 23:10.960 but to be swindled by a pig-headed lunatic like King George... 23:10.960 --> 23:12.960 Silence, silence! 23:12.960 --> 23:15.960 Of course, that is another point of view, isn't it? 23:15.960 --> 23:19.960 Yes, well, my, uh, my position does not allow 23:19.960 --> 23:22.960 of my going into that, except in private. 23:22.960 --> 23:26.960 But of course, Mr. Anderson, if you're determined to be hanged, 23:26.960 --> 23:28.960 there's nothing more to be said. 23:28.960 --> 23:30.960 An unusual taste. However... 23:30.960 --> 23:32.960 Shall we call witnesses? 23:32.960 --> 23:34.960 What need is there of witnesses? 23:34.960 --> 23:36.960 The townspeople here had listened to me, 23:36.960 --> 23:38.960 you'd have found the streets barricaded, 23:38.960 --> 23:40.960 the houses looped, and the people in arms 23:40.960 --> 23:42.960 to hold the town against it of the last man. 23:42.960 --> 23:45.960 You arrived, unfortunately, before we'd got out of the talking stage, 23:45.960 --> 23:46.960 and then it was too late. 23:46.960 --> 23:48.960 Well, sir, we shall teach you and your townspeople 23:48.960 --> 23:50.960 a lesson they'll not forget. 23:50.960 --> 23:51.960 Have you anything more to say? 23:51.960 --> 23:54.960 I think you might have the decency to treat me as a prisoner of war 23:54.960 --> 23:57.960 and shoot me like a man instead of hanging me like a dog. 23:57.960 --> 24:00.960 Now, there, Mr. Anderson, you talk like a civilian, 24:00.960 --> 24:02.960 if you'll excuse my saying so. 24:02.960 --> 24:05.960 Have you any idea the average marksmanship of the army 24:05.960 --> 24:08.960 of his majesty King George the Third? 24:10.960 --> 24:14.960 Now, if we, if we make you up a firing party, what will happen? 24:14.960 --> 24:16.960 Half of them will miss you. 24:16.960 --> 24:18.960 The rest will make a mess of the business 24:18.960 --> 24:20.960 and leave you to the Bravo Marshal's pistol. 24:20.960 --> 24:23.960 Whereas, Mr. Anderson, we can hang you 24:23.960 --> 24:27.960 in a perfectly workmanlike and agreeable manner. 24:27.960 --> 24:31.960 Oh, Mr. Anderson, let me persuade you to be hanged. 24:32.960 --> 24:34.960 Thank you, General. 24:34.960 --> 24:36.960 That view of the case did not occur to me before. 24:36.960 --> 24:40.960 To oblige you, I withdraw my objection to the rope. 24:40.960 --> 24:41.960 Hang me by all means. 24:41.960 --> 24:44.960 Yes, will, will twelve o'clock suit you, Mr. Anderson? 24:44.960 --> 24:47.960 I shall be at your disposal then, General. 24:48.960 --> 24:51.960 You have my greatest admiration, sir. 24:52.960 --> 24:55.960 Well, nothing more to be said, gentlemen. 24:55.960 --> 24:58.840 The 25:13.960 --> 25:15.960 What a brilliant performance. 25:15.960 --> 25:17.960 Thanks first to you fine supporting players, 25:17.960 --> 25:19.960 Martin Blaine and Horace Graham. 25:19.960 --> 25:21.960 And as for you, Dennis King, come over here, darling. 25:21.960 --> 25:23.960 I want to say hello. 25:23.960 --> 25:24.960 Hello, Trulula. 25:24.960 --> 25:27.960 To be honest, may I say there isn't another actor 25:27.960 --> 25:30.960 in the theatre today that we could have got to play that part 25:30.960 --> 25:31.960 as... Yes, Trulula. 25:31.960 --> 25:33.960 ...as simply as we got you. 25:34.960 --> 25:36.960 Well, thank you, Trulula, thank you. 25:36.960 --> 25:39.960 And you'll pardon me pointing this out, I'm sure. 25:39.960 --> 25:41.960 But so far your writers have given me 25:41.960 --> 25:43.960 three scintillating brilliant lines. 25:43.960 --> 25:47.960 They are, hello, Trulula, yes, Trulula, and thank you, Trulula. 25:47.960 --> 25:50.960 Now, do you mind, darling, if I supply a little gem of my own? 25:50.960 --> 25:52.960 Of course you may, darling. 25:52.960 --> 25:54.960 Oh, no, you don't. 25:54.960 --> 25:56.960 Come back here, Dennis, I want to talk to you. 25:56.960 --> 25:59.960 Trulula, I am not going to stand here and bandy bad jokes with you 25:59.960 --> 26:01.960 about your strange singing voice, 26:01.960 --> 26:04.960 about your singularly marital status, 26:04.960 --> 26:07.960 or about this decadent, expressionless medium called radio 26:07.960 --> 26:09.960 for which you have forsaken the theatre. 26:09.960 --> 26:10.960 But Dennis, I haven't. 26:10.960 --> 26:14.960 I will not stand here hemming and hawing over this ghoulish career 26:14.960 --> 26:17.960 you've chosen for yourself as contrasted with a theatre 26:17.960 --> 26:20.960 which gave you birth and nourished you and moulded you 26:20.960 --> 26:23.960 into an artist whose colourful character portraits 26:23.960 --> 26:26.960 even now hang in the halls of theatrical fame. 26:26.960 --> 26:27.960 But, darling, I... 26:27.960 --> 26:32.960 I will not hemm and hawing with these few dismal lines of limp, 26:32.960 --> 26:35.960 lacklustre lunacies you've handed me to read 26:35.960 --> 26:41.960 to amuse these gaping stragglers who've wandered into this radio theatre. 26:41.960 --> 26:43.960 And for free yet. 26:43.960 --> 26:50.960 LAUGHTER 26:52.960 --> 26:56.960 Are you quite finished hemming and hawing? 26:56.960 --> 27:00.960 What I started to say to you before you began that impersonation of Arthur Treasurer... 27:00.960 --> 27:02.960 Oh, no, not him! 27:02.960 --> 27:05.960 I was so taken with your performance a few moments ago, 27:05.960 --> 27:09.960 I was trying to invite you to play the summer theatres with me this season 27:09.960 --> 27:11.960 in a revival of my play, Private Lives. 27:11.960 --> 27:14.960 Well, I would rather die. 27:14.960 --> 27:15.960 LAUGHTER 27:15.960 --> 27:18.960 You have been listening to this show, haven't you? 27:18.960 --> 27:21.960 And I don't see why you won't play it with me. 27:21.960 --> 27:25.960 After all, last year you won a play as General Burgoyne. 27:25.960 --> 27:26.960 So? 27:26.960 --> 27:30.960 This season you're on Broadway in a play called Billy Budd as Captain Beer. 27:30.960 --> 27:31.960 So? 27:31.960 --> 27:36.960 The way you're being demoted by this summer, you'll be just right for private lives. 27:36.960 --> 27:39.960 I'm too sweet, isn't I? 27:39.960 --> 27:42.960 You've been listening too closely. 27:42.960 --> 27:44.960 Why won't you play with me, darling? 27:44.960 --> 27:45.960 I beg your pardon? 27:45.960 --> 27:46.960 In Private Lives. 27:46.960 --> 27:48.960 Oh, I thought that was a little... 27:48.960 --> 27:50.960 Yes, please! 27:50.960 --> 27:53.960 Please try to keep the conversation to the intellectual level of this programme. 27:53.960 --> 27:55.960 Very well. May I help you down, darling? 27:55.960 --> 27:57.960 LAUGHTER 27:57.960 --> 27:59.960 Very clever. 27:59.960 --> 28:02.960 About as clever as that young man in the play you just did, 28:02.960 --> 28:04.960 choosing hanging rather than shooting. 28:04.960 --> 28:06.960 Oh, you would have preferred shooting? 28:06.960 --> 28:10.960 Naturally. It is my fondest hope that when I reach 90 28:10.960 --> 28:13.960 I shall be shocked by a jealous wife. 28:13.960 --> 28:15.960 LAUGHTER 28:15.960 --> 28:17.960 APPLAUSE 28:21.960 --> 28:23.960 SING SING ZOOM ZOOM 28:23.960 --> 28:25.960 My little heart goes boom 28:25.960 --> 28:28.960 When I hear this melody play 28:28.960 --> 28:30.960 SING ZOOM ZOOM 28:30.960 --> 28:32.960 A little simple tune 28:32.960 --> 28:35.960 Who cares what the words may be say 28:35.960 --> 28:37.960 SING ZOOM ZOOM 28:37.960 --> 28:40.960 You hear it once and soon you'll find out 28:43.960 --> 28:47.960 You have been listening to Melody Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus. 28:47.960 --> 28:51.960 I'll take just a moment before we continue to say that this is NBC, 28:51.960 --> 29:19.960 the National Broadcasting Company. 29:19.960 --> 29:21.960 The Big Show. 29:21.960 --> 29:24.960 This is the National Broadcasting Company's Sunday extravaganza 29:24.960 --> 29:27.960 with the most scintillating personalities in show business. 29:27.960 --> 29:31.960 The Big Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival, 29:31.960 --> 29:35.960 is brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, 29:35.960 --> 29:37.960 first in recorded music, first in television, 29:37.960 --> 29:43.960 by Chester Field, the only cigarette that gives you mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste, 29:43.960 --> 29:46.960 the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, 29:46.960 --> 29:49.960 and by the makers of Ameson for fast relief from the pain of headache, 29:49.960 --> 29:51.960 uranus and uralgia. 29:51.960 --> 29:54.960 The big stars in this program are Fred Allen, Joan Davis, 29:54.960 --> 29:58.960 Portland Hoffa, Judy Holliday, Dennis King, Lisa Kirk, Herb Schreiner, 29:58.960 --> 30:02.960 Fran Warren, Meredith Wilson and his Big Show Orchestra and Chorus, 30:02.960 --> 30:06.960 and every week your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, 30:06.960 --> 30:08.960 Tallulah Bankhead. 30:08.960 --> 30:16.960 Ah! 30:16.960 --> 30:19.960 Applause 30:19.960 --> 30:22.960 Well darlings, this is our 25th Big Show, 30:22.960 --> 30:26.960 and there are two more to go before we start a new season in the fall. 30:26.960 --> 30:29.960 And don't think I'm not looking forward to that summer vacation. 30:29.960 --> 30:33.960 I haven't quite made up my mind yet where I'm going. 30:33.960 --> 30:36.960 Several people have written in suggesting where I could go. 30:36.960 --> 30:40.960 But in the summer I prefer someplace cooler. 30:40.960 --> 30:45.960 I'd like to go to a quiet place where nobody's running after me for autographs, 30:45.960 --> 30:50.960 no photographers, no reporters, someplace nobody knows me. 30:50.960 --> 30:54.960 Sounds like CBS. 30:54.960 --> 30:59.960 Well, I haven't picked a spot yet, but I've made up my mind to go away somewhere. 30:59.960 --> 31:01.960 You're going alone Tallulah? 31:01.960 --> 31:03.960 Yes, I am, Judy Holliday. 31:03.960 --> 31:09.960 Applause 31:09.960 --> 31:11.960 Are you still single, huh? 31:11.960 --> 31:14.960 Laughter 31:14.960 --> 31:16.960 Judy darling, this has been a very bad week for me. 31:16.960 --> 31:19.960 I was sick in bed and running a temperature, 31:19.960 --> 31:23.960 and the only reason the doctor let me out today is because I had to do the show. 31:23.960 --> 31:27.960 And I promised my doctor I wouldn't allow myself to get excited or act crazy. 31:27.960 --> 31:32.960 So Judy, will you please lay off the single stuff so I can follow my doctor's orders? 31:32.960 --> 31:35.960 I'm sorry, Tallulah. 31:35.960 --> 31:37.960 That's better. 31:37.960 --> 31:38.960 Is the doctor single? 31:38.960 --> 31:41.960 Oh, Judy. 31:41.960 --> 31:44.960 I'm only trying to look out for your interests. 31:44.960 --> 31:47.960 Well, please don't. I'm quite happy the way I am. 31:47.960 --> 31:50.960 All I need is a little rest and a change of scene. 31:50.960 --> 31:54.960 That's why I'm planning a boat trip this summer. I may go to, uh, to England. 31:54.960 --> 31:58.960 A nice Englishman is nice. 31:58.960 --> 31:59.960 I might go to France. 31:59.960 --> 32:01.960 The Frenchman would be nice. 32:01.960 --> 32:03.960 I might even go to Tangier's. 32:03.960 --> 32:05.960 Tallulah, are you going to marry a Tangerine? 32:05.960 --> 32:09.960 Laughter 32:09.960 --> 32:12.960 Judy, I am not taking a boat trip to get married. 32:12.960 --> 32:14.960 I'm just going for a change. 32:14.960 --> 32:16.960 Well, wouldn't that be a change? 32:16.960 --> 32:18.960 Laughter 32:18.960 --> 32:21.960 Wouldn't it be nice to have somebody to walk the deck with you 32:21.960 --> 32:24.960 and stand by the rail and hold your hand? 32:24.960 --> 32:26.960 I don't expect to do much deck walking. 32:26.960 --> 32:29.960 I'll probably be violently ill the whole way over. 32:29.960 --> 32:32.960 All right, so stand by the rail and hold your head. 32:32.960 --> 32:35.960 Laughter 32:35.960 --> 32:38.960 And you know what, Tallulah? I got just the fella for you. 32:38.960 --> 32:40.960 I'm sure you have. 32:40.960 --> 32:42.960 And you've probably got the wedding date set and everything. 32:42.960 --> 32:44.960 It doesn't matter if I love him or not. 32:44.960 --> 32:48.960 So what if you don't love him? Just don't hate him. 32:48.960 --> 32:49.960 Laughter 32:49.960 --> 32:53.960 He's very nice. He's five foot one inch tall. 32:53.960 --> 32:56.960 Five foot one? Really, Judy? 32:56.960 --> 32:59.960 So he'll grow on you. 32:59.960 --> 33:00.960 Laughter 33:00.960 --> 33:03.960 I'll arrange for you to meet him. He lives in Brooklyn. 33:03.960 --> 33:06.960 Naturally. I wouldn't even know how to get to Brooklyn. 33:06.960 --> 33:09.960 We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 33:09.960 --> 33:10.960 Laughter 33:10.960 --> 33:12.960 Or maybe your idea is better, Tallulah. 33:12.960 --> 33:15.960 Getting a European husband, they're much more romantic. 33:15.960 --> 33:17.960 They'll treat you as if you were a girl. 33:17.960 --> 33:19.960 All you have to do is tell them. 33:19.960 --> 33:25.960 Laughter 33:25.960 --> 33:29.960 European men are not for me. American men are the best. 33:29.960 --> 33:31.960 Sure, they're the best. 33:31.960 --> 33:34.960 But if American men don't look at you, then European men are the best. 33:34.960 --> 33:36.960 Laughter 33:36.960 --> 33:39.960 Aw, you'll love living over there, Tallulah. 33:39.960 --> 33:41.960 Maybe you'll be an Englishman. 33:41.960 --> 33:45.960 It'll be so romantic walking along the Thames River. 33:45.960 --> 33:47.960 It's Thames, darling. 33:47.960 --> 33:49.960 Oh, Thames? Thanks. 33:49.960 --> 33:53.960 And you and him riding in your big limousine with a chauffeur. 33:53.960 --> 33:56.960 And you say, Buckingham Palace, please, Gems. 33:56.960 --> 33:58.960 It's James, darling. 33:58.960 --> 33:59.960 Laughter 33:59.960 --> 34:01.960 Well, make up your mind. 34:01.960 --> 34:03.960 Laughter 34:03.960 --> 34:06.960 My mind is made up. I would never leave this country. 34:06.960 --> 34:09.960 I love New York. I've lived here practically all my life. 34:09.960 --> 34:11.960 Everything I hold near and dear is in New York. 34:11.960 --> 34:14.960 The things I'm used to. My dentist, my hairdresser's here. 34:14.960 --> 34:17.960 Aw, your roots are in New York. 34:17.960 --> 34:22.960 Laughter 34:22.960 --> 34:26.960 They certainly are. So I'll make my ocean trip by myself. 34:26.960 --> 34:29.960 You can get off alone on a boat by yourself. 34:29.960 --> 34:33.960 Oh, I don't know. There's always the captain or the first mate. 34:33.960 --> 34:36.960 Well, that's what I say. First mate and then go. 34:36.960 --> 34:38.960 Oh, I get it. 34:38.960 --> 34:40.960 Laughter 34:40.960 --> 34:48.960 Applause 34:48.960 --> 34:51.960 Here's a word from RCA Victor. 34:51.960 --> 34:56.960 Last week, the curtain went up on the 75th anniversary of the National Baseball League 34:56.960 --> 34:59.960 and the 50th anniversary of the American League. 34:59.960 --> 35:02.960 And there's no better way to celebrate than by enjoying at first hand 35:02.960 --> 35:05.960 the thrills and the clean sportsmanship of baseball today. 35:05.960 --> 35:09.960 Baseball today. It's the American way. 35:09.960 --> 35:15.960 Of course, next best thing to a seat in the stands is a seat in front of a 19-inch RCA Victor television. 35:15.960 --> 35:20.960 RCA Victor's new extra powerful picture pickup gives you the best possible reception. 35:20.960 --> 35:21.960 Everywhere. 35:21.960 --> 35:24.960 You know RCA Victor television is most in demand. 35:24.960 --> 35:26.960 But here's really important news. 35:26.960 --> 35:30.960 RCA Victor 19-inch television is available. 35:30.960 --> 35:32.960 It's on display now at dealer stores. 35:32.960 --> 35:34.960 So insist on the best. 35:34.960 --> 35:39.960 Insist on seeing 19-inch, million-proof television by RCA Victor. 35:39.960 --> 35:41.960 When you do, you'll agree. 35:41.960 --> 35:47.960 Inch for inch, your best buy in television is RCA Victor 19-inch. 35:47.960 --> 36:04.960 And while we're on the subject of RCA, this would be as good a time as any to present our next singing star, Fran Warren. 36:04.960 --> 36:10.960 Fran is one of the top recording stars of RCA and she's going to sing her latest RCA smash record. 36:10.960 --> 36:15.960 It just so happens it's a tune which was written by our very own Meredith Wilson. 36:15.960 --> 36:20.960 It's that bright and gay new spring tune called Here Comes the Springtime. 36:20.960 --> 36:23.960 Fran, Meredith, how about getting together on it, darlings? 36:23.960 --> 36:46.960 Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. All my resistance is falling apart. 36:46.960 --> 36:53.960 Sweet evening breeze, go away if you please. Lilacs and smilacs, unhand me. 36:53.960 --> 37:00.960 Fresh morning dew, you are soaking me through with feelings that don't understand me. 37:00.960 --> 37:04.960 After the robins, the crickets will start. 37:04.960 --> 37:33.960 Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hey. 37:33.960 --> 37:48.960 Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. All my resistance is falling apart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. 37:48.960 --> 38:03.960 Bluebird Brigade, you have sure got me made. Pansies and violets I'm loving. Panama Hat, I am flat on the mat. You butterflies gotta quit shoving. 38:03.960 --> 38:23.960 After the crickets, the post-rocks will start. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hey. 38:23.960 --> 38:40.960 Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart dear. Hold-ly, you grab it and run. 38:40.960 --> 38:43.960 Stand darling, come here. That was beautifully done. 38:43.960 --> 38:45.960 That is a bouncy tune, isn't it, Tallulah? 38:45.960 --> 38:48.960 Yes, and you know who sang it for the first time anywhere? 38:48.960 --> 38:49.960 I thought I did. 38:49.960 --> 38:59.960 You did not? Joan Davies and I happened to have introduced that tune on this very program the minute Meredith finished writing it. Why, the ink wasn't even dry yet. 38:59.960 --> 39:03.960 Oh yes, I heard it. Messy, wasn't it? 39:03.960 --> 39:12.960 What I don't understand is why nobody asked me to record these tunes. After all, my recording of I'll Be Seeing You is a smash record. 39:12.960 --> 39:16.960 Yes, I smashed mine. 39:16.960 --> 39:17.960 Accidentally, I trust. 39:17.960 --> 39:19.960 Oh, of course it was an accident, Tallulah. 39:19.960 --> 39:23.960 You happened to be walking across, don't you, Trollah? 39:23.960 --> 39:26.960 That's right. 39:26.960 --> 39:27.960 Oh, Tallulah. 39:27.960 --> 39:31.960 Oh, here she is again, lethal holiday. 39:31.960 --> 39:34.960 Judy dear, I want you to meet Fran Warren. Fran, Judy Holiday. 39:34.960 --> 39:35.960 Hello. 39:35.960 --> 39:38.960 Hiya, Joe. 39:38.960 --> 39:40.960 Fran is a very good friend of mine, Judy. 39:40.960 --> 39:46.960 Some friend. She's such a good friend of yours. Why she stand so close to you, looking so young and pretty? 39:46.960 --> 39:47.960 Yes. 39:47.960 --> 39:51.960 Why, thank you very much, Miss Holiday, but I'm not really that pretty. 39:51.960 --> 39:56.960 I don't think so either. 39:56.960 --> 39:57.960 But by comparison... 39:57.960 --> 40:03.960 Judy! 40:03.960 --> 40:06.960 Fran Warren is one of our most popular singers. 40:06.960 --> 40:12.960 Yeah, I heard it. Here comes the springtime, big deal. 40:12.960 --> 40:33.960 Come on, Meredith. Get your flute. We'll show them. 40:33.960 --> 40:36.960 Oh, Meredith. 40:36.960 --> 40:44.960 Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart, holy, hiddly, hey, Dee. 40:44.960 --> 40:52.960 All my resistance is falling apart, holy, hiddly, hey. 40:52.960 --> 41:20.960 Spring, that's when I met my first fella. 41:20.960 --> 41:29.960 He was five and I was five. Between us we made ten the hard way. 41:29.960 --> 41:37.960 I remember it was in the spring because the fish were running, the brooks were running, his nose... 41:37.960 --> 41:41.960 Holy, hiddly. He was such a cute little fella. 41:41.960 --> 41:45.960 He had a top and he always let me spin it that first spring. 41:45.960 --> 41:49.960 And in the winter he tied a string to the top, made a yo-yo out of it. 41:49.960 --> 41:55.960 He was the only five-year-old kid in the neighborhood with a convertible top. 41:55.960 --> 41:58.960 He was such a cute little fella. 41:58.960 --> 42:04.960 The next spring he was six and I was six. Box cars. 42:04.960 --> 42:11.960 We went swimming together that spring and he asked me what the other part of my bathing suit was for and I told him. 42:11.960 --> 42:25.960 But it wasn't until I was fifteen I found out there was an earmuff. 42:25.960 --> 42:30.960 Fifteen. What a lovely age. 42:30.960 --> 42:37.960 That first pair of high heels, I'll never forget the first day he wore them. 42:37.960 --> 42:44.960 He was such a cute tall fella. And then when we were seventeen, I'll never forget that spring, he smoked his first cigar. 42:44.960 --> 42:48.960 How proudly I wore the band. We was engaged. 42:48.960 --> 42:51.960 Totally hiddly. 42:51.960 --> 42:55.960 When we were eighteen he bought his first car, a bluesy Dan. 42:55.960 --> 42:58.960 And that spring we went for a drive and we drove under a low bridge. 42:58.960 --> 43:03.960 He was the first kid in the neighborhood with a convertible top. 43:03.960 --> 43:09.960 And then came the war. Greetings. Totally hiddly. 43:09.960 --> 43:13.960 I worked in the shipyard and how handsome he was in his uniform. 43:13.960 --> 43:19.960 And then when it was over he said we should get married on his GI unemployment insurance. 43:19.960 --> 43:25.960 But they turned him down. They said air raid wardens weren't considered veterans. 43:25.960 --> 43:32.960 Well, I didn't see him again for a couple of years until just this spring I ran into him again on the street. 43:32.960 --> 43:39.960 He was so formal. He tipped his hat and a heavy gust of wind came along and blew off his toupee. 43:39.960 --> 43:46.960 He was still the only fella in the neighborhood with a convertible top. 43:46.960 --> 43:52.960 Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. 43:52.960 --> 44:02.960 Totally hiddly. 44:12.960 --> 44:19.960 And now ladies and gentlemen, here are two young men who are always in season. Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. 44:19.960 --> 44:25.960 Bob, do you realize we only have one thing in common? Hardly enough for a happy marriage, is it? What's that Bing? 44:25.960 --> 44:29.960 Chesterfields of course. We both like them, we both sell them. And we'd better get to selling them now. 44:29.960 --> 44:36.960 You know folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. 44:36.960 --> 44:41.960 How do you know they're mild? Well, you just make our mildness test. You buy them, open them up and enjoy that milder aroma. 44:41.960 --> 44:45.960 Then smoke a Chesterfield. You'll know it's milder because it smokes milder. 44:45.960 --> 44:51.960 Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel. 44:51.960 --> 44:56.960 So, always buy Chesterfield. Let's sum it up musically. 44:56.960 --> 45:04.960 Buy Chesterfield, Chesterfield, the one that proves its case. Yes, Chesterfields are milder, milder, plus no aftertaste. 45:04.960 --> 45:16.960 Ho ho, open the pack and give them a sniff. Then you'll smoke them. 45:16.960 --> 45:22.960 Hey, Tallulah. Yes, Joan Davis. You know, Judy and I have been talking about your problem. 45:22.960 --> 45:28.960 Now look Joan, don't you start that too. We were talking about spring. Let's stick to that subject. 45:28.960 --> 45:36.960 Yeah, but I hate spring. All it means to me is spring cleaning. You know, I had a six room apartment in Hollywood and every year comes spring. 45:36.960 --> 45:41.960 So one year I cleaned up all the stuff that accumulated and shoved it into the library and locked it up. 45:41.960 --> 45:46.960 And the next year there wasn't any room left in the library so I shoved it all in the living room and locked it up. 45:46.960 --> 45:52.960 And I've been doing it for five years. I now have the cutest little one room apartment you ever saw. 45:52.960 --> 45:59.960 The tile is just spotless. Well, I really went down the drain. 45:59.960 --> 46:10.960 I should have taken the plunge. Well, maybe we'd better get back to the other subjects. 46:10.960 --> 46:19.960 No, it's starting to sink anyway. You know, Judy and I think that there must be something wrong with your technique because you've got everything a man would want. 46:19.960 --> 46:25.960 I have, darling. Oh, sure. Yeah. You got money. 46:25.960 --> 46:34.960 And you've got... Don't rush me now. I'll think about it. You've got... Give me time here now. 46:34.960 --> 46:40.960 Well, they say I'm loaded with glamour. Oh, sure. You're loaded. 46:40.960 --> 46:46.960 You got money. Joan, money isn't everything. There was a proverb I learned when I was a child. 46:46.960 --> 47:00.960 Money is the root of all evil. I knew it backwards. Yes, and evil spelled backwards is live. 47:00.960 --> 47:08.960 And money, I'll have you know, Joan, this gown cost me $750. $750? Boy, you should cut down on your gowns. 47:08.960 --> 47:14.960 And if you cut your gowns down far enough, you could get yourself a man. Then he'd pay for them, see? 47:14.960 --> 47:21.960 I spend my own money. I spent $13,000 on a mink coat. I bought a house in the country for $49,000. It was on sale. 47:21.960 --> 47:31.960 And I just bought a town car for $8,000. All that money she could spend, but ten cents to call up a fellow she can't afford. 47:31.960 --> 47:36.960 Judy, I never phone a man. How do you like that, Joan? She never phones a man. 47:36.960 --> 47:44.960 Yeah. A salmon swims all the way upstream to find a mate, and she won't walk across the street to phone a man. 47:44.960 --> 47:49.960 I am not interested in meeting a salmon. 47:49.960 --> 47:55.960 So, there are other fish in the sea. Oh, all right, I give up. How long can I fight this? 47:55.960 --> 47:59.960 Don't fight it, Tallulah. It's bigger than both of us. 47:59.960 --> 48:04.960 All right, Joan, now what do you want me to do? Well, we're going to show you how to call up and make a date with a man. 48:04.960 --> 48:10.960 You're going to show me? Why do I have to do this? Don't fight it, Tallulah. 48:10.960 --> 48:18.960 What about my ego? It's bigger than both of us. 48:18.960 --> 48:26.960 Look, we'll call up somebody. Anybody. We'll pick a number out of a hat. Stetson, 5, 4, 2, 6, and 7 eighths. 48:26.960 --> 48:28.960 That's a good one. I'll call him. 48:28.960 --> 48:34.960 Now, watch the way I handle this, Tallulah. You've got to be aggressive. Don't take no for an answer. Watch this. 48:34.960 --> 48:40.960 Hello? Hello, Fred. This is Joan. What are you doing tonight? Come on over and I'll cook dinner. Roast beef. 48:40.960 --> 48:47.960 No, Joan, I'm sorry, but I'm busy tonight. Well, how about Saturday night? No, no, I can't make it Saturday. 48:47.960 --> 48:56.960 A week from Saturday? Look, Joan, I am going to be out of town for a couple of months. I won't be back until July 15th. 48:56.960 --> 49:05.960 That's a date. And don't forget it now. I've already got the roast beef in the oven. 49:05.960 --> 49:14.960 You put the roast beef on now for July 15th? It'll be all right. It's on a low flame. I hope you like it rare. 49:14.960 --> 49:20.960 Look, Joan, I have to read these straight lines, but I don't have to eat your cooking. 49:20.960 --> 49:24.960 Well, then how about taking me to dinner tonight? I have a dinner date. 49:24.960 --> 49:30.960 Well, how about later and we'll go to a movie? I'll be busy. How about night club? I told you I'm going to be busy. 49:30.960 --> 49:37.960 Well, let me put it this way. How about come over to my house and we'll neck? I'll be right over. 49:37.960 --> 49:48.960 You see, simple? I mean, you see, simple. 49:48.960 --> 49:56.960 I'll do it another way. Watch me, Tallulah. The thing to do is confuse them. I'll call up the same guy. Watch how I mix them up. 49:56.960 --> 50:06.960 Hello? Who is this calling, please? 50:06.960 --> 50:10.960 What do you mean, who is this calling? You called me. 50:10.960 --> 50:23.960 You must have the wrong number. Is this 65426 and 78? Yes. Then you have the right number. Who is this? This is Fred Allen. 50:23.960 --> 50:28.960 Fred Allen. Hello, Fred. This is Judy Holliday. I was just thinking about you. 50:28.960 --> 50:34.960 Just thinking about me? You just called me. Well, that's how I happen to be thinking about you. 50:34.960 --> 50:48.960 Now, about our date for Friday night. We have a date for Friday night? Well, okay. It's nice of you to ask. 50:48.960 --> 50:57.960 Where will I meet you? Now, look, Judy. I can't make any dates. Oh. Well, let me put it this way. How about coming over to my house and we'll neck? 50:57.960 --> 51:02.960 That's a date. I'll be right over. You see, Tallulah, that's the way to do it. Go ahead, try it. 51:02.960 --> 51:07.960 Oh, very well. But I think you two waste too much time. Get to the point. All right, get to the phone. 51:07.960 --> 51:22.960 Hey, for luck, dial with the fourth finger of your left hand. Hello? Oh, hello. This is Tallulah. How about coming over to the house and necking? 51:22.960 --> 51:37.960 I beg your pardon. Who is this? This is Mrs. Fred Allen. You see, that always happens to me. 51:37.960 --> 51:46.960 Every day you hear more and more about an incredibly fast way to relieve the pains of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. It's Anason, A-N-A-C-I-N. 51:46.960 --> 51:52.960 Now, the reason Anason is so wonderfully fast-acting and effective is this. Anason is like a doctor's prescription. 51:52.960 --> 52:00.960 That is, Anason contains not just one but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. 52:00.960 --> 52:05.960 Thousands of people have received envelopes containing Anason tablets from their own dentist or physician, 52:05.960 --> 52:12.960 and in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief Anason brings from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia. 52:12.960 --> 52:23.960 So the next time a headache strikes, take Anason, A-N-A-C-I-N. Anason in handy boxes of 12 and 30, economical family-sized bottles of 50 and 100. 52:23.960 --> 52:35.960 Ask for Anason at any drug counter. 52:35.960 --> 52:43.960 Here is Meredith Wilson with the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus playing John Scott Trotter's lovely new tune, Any Town is Paris When You're Young. 52:43.960 --> 52:58.960 Meredith, darling, if you please. 52:58.960 --> 53:10.960 Any town is Paris when you're young. In every sky a lover's mood is high. 53:10.960 --> 53:22.960 Every love's the one love that you swear you'll never leave. And the gypsy spell of spring is yours to leave. 53:22.960 --> 53:34.960 All the world is magic when you're young. Every star's the sweetest ever sun. 53:34.960 --> 53:58.960 Every street's a lover's lane where racing stars are strung. Yes, any town is Paris when you're young. 53:58.960 --> 54:22.960 Every love's the one love that you swear you'll never leave. And the gypsy spell of spring is yours to leave. 54:22.960 --> 54:34.960 Every street's a lover's lane where racing stars are strung. Yes, any town, just any town. 54:34.960 --> 54:49.960 All the world is magic when you're young, when you're young. Every song is just the sweetest song that's ever been sung. 54:49.960 --> 55:14.960 Every street's a lover's lane where wishing stars are strung. Yes, any town is Paris when you're young. 55:14.960 --> 55:22.960 Well, darlings, we have more show for you, but we'll take just a moment out here first to let Ed Hurley say... 55:22.960 --> 55:28.960 This portion of the program has been brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. 55:28.960 --> 55:33.960 By Chesterfield, the only cigarette that gives you mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste. 55:33.960 --> 55:39.960 The best cigarette for you to smoke. And by the makers of Anison for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia. 55:39.960 --> 55:51.960 And now, Tallulah, if you'll ring your child. Glad to, Ed. This, darlings, is NBC, the national broadcasting company. 55:51.960 --> 55:55.960 This is the big show, and Tallulah Bankhead is about to introduce her next guest. 55:55.960 --> 56:02.960 Now, to make the big show a complete ball of fun, here's that long, tall fella with the small town tales. 56:02.960 --> 56:10.960 The homespun who's here who just moseyed in. Here's Herb Schreiner. 56:10.960 --> 56:18.960 Hello. Well, Miss Bankhead, after that big send-off you just gave me there, I can't hardly wait to hear what I got to say. 56:18.960 --> 56:23.960 Actually, I didn't mosey over, though. I tell you the truth, I come in a taxi cab, which is... 56:23.960 --> 56:29.960 Well, I didn't figure on doing that. I'd never do that. I had to this time, though. 56:29.960 --> 56:32.960 Oh, well, you were afraid you were going to be late, you mean, huh? 56:32.960 --> 56:38.960 Well, you see, the wind blew my hat into the cab, and before I could get out of there, the meter was up to half a dollar. 56:38.960 --> 56:45.960 I figure I'd go along with it. But, you know, this is one place where the taxi meter seemed to go faster than the cabs do. 56:45.960 --> 56:48.960 Well, I guess you find it costs quite a bit to do this town. 56:48.960 --> 56:53.960 Well, it's a pretty big town, I'll tell you that. I know what costs so much, mostly, is these tips. 56:53.960 --> 57:00.960 You get to... Well, you take over to the hotel where I'm staying, they got a fellow out in front there, the doorman, and he's got a kind of a good deal there. 57:00.960 --> 57:06.960 He gets between you and something he's going to do anyways, and he charges you for it. 57:06.960 --> 57:15.960 He got me this afternoon pretty good. He charged me a quarter just to open the door. I wasn't even going out. 57:15.960 --> 57:16.960 It wasn't like that around home, I tell you. 57:16.960 --> 57:22.960 Which reminds me, Herb, the last time you were here, you told us some fascinating things about your hometown in Indiana. 57:22.960 --> 57:24.960 Are you really from Indiana? 57:24.960 --> 57:31.960 Yep, me and all my folks are from Indiana. Well, except my grandfather. He was born over in Ohio, but he moved to Indiana as soon as he heard about it. 57:31.960 --> 57:36.960 Well, what town are you from down there? I may have played it when I was on tour sometime. 57:36.960 --> 57:43.960 Well, I don't think so. It's not the kind of town that anybody would ever stop off in. I mean, unless they got on the wrong road or something, they wouldn't... 57:43.960 --> 57:49.960 Well, actually, you see, what they usually do is just roll their windows up and keep going. That's kind of a town. 57:49.960 --> 57:57.960 I doubt if you ever played it, Miss Bankhead. We didn't get any shows. We didn't get plays or operas or... 57:57.960 --> 58:04.960 Well, actually, we didn't get nothing. But there's enough of it to go around. We all got in on it anyways. 58:04.960 --> 58:09.960 Well, that way I guess nobody felt left out. What do you suppose was holding the town back? 58:09.960 --> 58:17.960 Well, I think the trouble was we didn't have enough get up and go. Actually, you'd get up and then there wasn't any place to go anyways. 58:17.960 --> 58:19.960 So we'd just kind of lay there. 58:19.960 --> 58:24.960 Oh, I think I'm beginning to get a picture of it. I've been through a lot of those towns. 58:24.960 --> 58:30.960 I can see the little four corners, a bank on one corner, a barber shop on the other, a statue in the middle of the square. 58:30.960 --> 58:34.960 Hmm, and ain't quite that big. I tell you, we didn't have any bank out there. Actually, we didn't need one either. 58:34.960 --> 58:40.960 If anybody would save up any money, they'd use it to get out of town. 58:40.960 --> 58:45.960 But in a barber shop wasn't what you thought it was either. Actually, we had a fellow that run the barber shop. 58:45.960 --> 58:52.960 Well, he wasn't even a barber. You'd never know unless he cut your hair, of course. A lot of us didn't ever think much about it. 58:52.960 --> 59:00.960 He was a chicken farmer. He'd give you a haircut all right. He'd dip your head in a bucket of hot water and then he'd just kind of rip the hair out. 59:00.960 --> 59:12.960 Of course, nobody ever said anything about it. He only charged a dime. 59:12.960 --> 59:19.960 But you know, you spoke about the statue. We didn't even have a statue around there. That's the thing that used to make me feel so bad. 59:19.960 --> 59:24.960 We had a blank spot right in the center of town there where we was figuring on putting one up. 59:24.960 --> 59:30.960 But you know, not having a statue, you couldn't even keep pigeons around there. It was a mess. 59:30.960 --> 59:40.960 So what we thought we'd do, we were going to put a statue up for a local fellow that had gone off and got famous. 59:40.960 --> 59:46.960 And then he never came back so we could find out who he was. 59:46.960 --> 59:54.960 And the trouble was he left us sort of hung up there. We'd already bought the cement, you know, and we had piled it up in the center of town. 59:54.960 --> 01:00:00.960 It got blown around there in everybody's eyes. So we started casting him out then. 01:00:00.960 --> 01:00:06.960 You know, he couldn't come back now if he wanted to. 01:00:06.960 --> 01:00:13.960 People got so peeved at him there. And I think he went from a hero to a bum. It was just a machine too. 01:00:13.960 --> 01:00:19.960 Well, we had the cement. We thought we'd better do something. We were going to use a local fellow. We wanted to get another hero. 01:00:19.960 --> 01:00:30.960 We was short on them on home. We could have used the one from out of town, but we didn't want to do that. We'd have him coming in there on the bum. 01:00:30.960 --> 01:00:39.960 So we were going to use this local fellow. He was a very heroic fellow. He was kind of a part-time hero. He had lots on the... I mean, he was actually pretty heroic. 01:00:39.960 --> 01:00:49.960 The only trouble was that he weighed about 300 pounds. He was a very heavy set. And we didn't have that much cement. 01:00:49.960 --> 01:00:56.960 So we didn't know what to do with the thing there. We had already...actually, we decided to look for another hero, 01:00:56.960 --> 01:01:00.960 but this fellow is about the only one we had that could pass for a hero. And he had actually deserved it. 01:01:00.960 --> 01:01:06.960 I mean, I think that...well, you'd probably say, why put that fellow up for a statue? Well, it's a good question. 01:01:06.960 --> 01:01:15.960 And I'm kind of glad you asked, because I tell you what he did. He had a kind of a...well, actually, he was a very nice fellow as far as being a hero. 01:01:15.960 --> 01:01:23.960 He had done two or three different things there. He was likeable, for one thing. I mean, he...and he was kind of eccentric too. 01:01:23.960 --> 01:01:33.960 I mean, he was...well, he was drunk is what he was. But I tell you what happened was that he would drink, 01:01:33.960 --> 01:01:41.960 and even though he would drink, he would get likeable with it. I mean, he is one of these fellows, the more he would drink, the more likeable he'd get. 01:01:41.960 --> 01:01:49.960 And I never forget this one night, he was likeable, he couldn't even stand up. And I never forget it. 01:01:49.960 --> 01:01:57.960 In fact, that was the night that he did this heroic deed I was about to mention. You see, we had a big fire that night. 01:01:57.960 --> 01:02:09.960 It was over at the firehouse. I never forget that either. The firehouse had caught fire, and it was kind of a shame the fireman was giving this big party that night too. 01:02:09.960 --> 01:02:16.960 It was always a swell party. It was a benefit. And the proceeds was to go for a very worthy cause. I remember that. 01:02:16.960 --> 01:02:24.960 I think they were going to use the money to buy liquor for the next party. 01:02:24.960 --> 01:02:32.960 And it was...oh, and also they were celebrating this new brass pole. He had just got a brass pole put up in the middle of the firehouse, 01:02:32.960 --> 01:02:37.960 right there in the center where a fowler could...well, he'd be laying in bed up there, for example. 01:02:37.960 --> 01:02:49.960 He could jump out of bed, grab that pole, and slide right down to the card table. And it's possible. 01:02:49.960 --> 01:02:54.960 I don't know what happened, but while he was doing the celebrating, this fire got kind of out of hand there. 01:02:54.960 --> 01:03:03.960 And this fellow made a hero out of himself. He rushed into that burning firehouse and rescued the liquor. 01:03:03.960 --> 01:03:09.960 And two girls that they had pouring for them. 01:03:09.960 --> 01:03:16.960 Well, that put him over. That put him over. And actually, he got all the credit, and the fireman didn't even get a thank you for their work. 01:03:16.960 --> 01:03:24.960 It was a shame. And I actually think they deserved an awful lot of credit. If it hadn't been for them, I think the whole thing would have burnt down in about 20 minutes. 01:03:24.960 --> 01:03:34.960 They kept it going, putting your own night there. 01:03:34.960 --> 01:03:40.960 That made that fellow a hero. And you know, he was never the same after that. He started kind of getting swellheaded there, like, you know, 01:03:40.960 --> 01:03:49.960 and he was drinking more and more, of course. And he had already drunk quite a bit, but now he was even buying some. 01:03:49.960 --> 01:04:00.960 And what he did, he got himself, he quit his job, and he was, oh, I know the name, the sheep dip after him, you know, and everything. 01:04:00.960 --> 01:04:06.960 I think that made him feel like he had gone to the top of the heap or something. I don't know. 01:04:06.960 --> 01:04:13.960 He got swellheaded, and he raised a mustache, too. And actually, it looked, we got kind of worried, all of us that knew him. 01:04:13.960 --> 01:04:19.960 We thought we was a little bit worried for fear he might turn out to be a bum. And his folks was worried, too. 01:04:19.960 --> 01:04:31.960 So they got him into politics where he wouldn't be noticed. 01:04:31.960 --> 01:04:37.960 You know, I tell you, you've never seen a more honest politician than that fellow. He just seemed to take to that like a duck to the water, 01:04:37.960 --> 01:04:50.960 and on top of it, he was just as honest as could be, too. I mean, if he'd get bought off, he'd stay bought. He wasn't shiftier. 01:04:50.960 --> 01:04:55.960 Well, he did a couple of things that don't sound like he did anything, but you know, he got in there, he got to be mayor, 01:04:55.960 --> 01:05:02.960 and we'd had kind of a little trouble around town there. We had, well, we wanted a paved highway. We'd been after that for quite a while. 01:05:02.960 --> 01:05:13.960 He built it, and it was a beautiful road. I mean, I got to say that in all credit to him. It ran the full length of his property, and I believe... 01:05:13.960 --> 01:05:17.960 Actually, he did a couple of things. There was a... he did one other thing, too. He never got any tourists. 01:05:17.960 --> 01:05:30.960 Like I was telling this bank kid, nobody ever stopped off there, and he fixed that. He reduced the speed limit to zero, and then he passed the law against backing up. 01:05:30.960 --> 01:05:36.960 Speaking of backing up, I've kind of got myself here to where I've got to back off and kind of simmer down, 01:05:36.960 --> 01:05:41.960 but I know that kind of gives you an idea of what it was like. Ain't that right? 01:05:41.960 --> 01:06:00.960 Oh, darling, darling, you're simply divine and hilarious. I know the folks who are entertaining at the Capri Plaza in Boston feel the same way, 01:06:00.960 --> 01:06:11.960 and now Meredith has one of his famous chiffon arrangements ready for us. The number Reflections in the Water. Meredith, darling, if you please. 01:07:30.960 --> 01:07:57.960 Reflections in the water, just who and why, sweetheart? 01:07:57.960 --> 01:08:10.960 Each kiss is just a ripple that circles round my heart. Reflections in the water when summer comes again. 01:08:10.960 --> 01:08:32.960 Though willows were bent, and you will surrender. Love, go on forever, like moonlight on the stream. 01:08:32.960 --> 01:08:58.960 Forever and forever. For where our hopes and dreams become crushed, a watch that the clouds shall spring across the sky. 01:08:58.960 --> 01:09:25.960 Where our reflections in the water, be found. 01:09:28.960 --> 01:09:43.960 Meredith, that was a usable chiffon, and quite divine, darling. And while I'm at it, Meredith, I do want to thank you so very much for that wonderful story you wrote about me in this month's TV Screen Magazine. 01:09:43.960 --> 01:09:44.960 Oh, Tallulah. 01:09:44.960 --> 01:09:45.960 Oh, yes, Fred. 01:09:45.960 --> 01:09:53.960 As I sat here dozing through the second act of your modest little charade, I had a bad dream and it involved you. Would you care to hear about it? 01:09:53.960 --> 01:09:55.960 Not particularly, no. 01:09:55.960 --> 01:10:05.960 Well, as a matter of fact, I'm not particularly anxious to tell it, but if I don't, something tells me Phil Harris will come on the air five minutes earlier tonight. 01:10:05.960 --> 01:10:20.960 I think the dream was brought on by something I heard earlier in the show this evening, because Judy and Joan were trying to get you married off. You know that part? I think that's what prompted the whole thing, because in my dream, you were married to Dennis King. 01:10:20.960 --> 01:10:24.960 I'd rather die. 01:10:24.960 --> 01:10:29.960 Promises, promises. All evening you've been promising. 01:10:29.960 --> 01:10:41.960 Well, my dream was like one of those daytime radio serials. As the curtain went up, it was an actor's wedding. You were being married at the little Lowe's Delancey Theater around the corner. 01:10:41.960 --> 01:10:56.960 You and Dennis were coming down the aisle. Now, there was no choir and your two bridesmaids, Fran Warren and Lisa Kirk, were singing the wedding march. 01:10:56.960 --> 01:11:05.960 Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to hell square. 01:11:05.960 --> 01:11:11.960 Do you, Dennis King, take this woman to be your awful wedded wife? 01:11:11.960 --> 01:11:12.960 Excuse me, sir. 01:11:12.960 --> 01:11:15.960 Yes, Mr. King, what is it? 01:11:15.960 --> 01:11:33.960 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. I beg your pardon, Mr. King. Do you, Dennis King, star of Billy Budd, now playing at the Biltmore Theater on West 47th Street, matinees Wednesday and Saturday, take this woman to be your awful wedded wife? 01:11:33.960 --> 01:11:37.960 To do or not to do, that is the question. 01:11:37.960 --> 01:11:39.960 What is the answer? 01:11:39.960 --> 01:11:41.960 To do. 01:11:41.960 --> 01:11:45.960 And do you, Tallulah Brockman Bankhead? 01:11:45.960 --> 01:11:54.960 Of course I do, naturally I do. Why do you think I got all dressed up in these wife slacks? I do, do you hear me? I do. 01:11:54.960 --> 01:11:57.960 I now pronounce you man and wife. 01:11:57.960 --> 01:12:07.960 Would you mind making that wife and man? 01:12:07.960 --> 01:12:17.960 I'll be a seeing you in all the old familiar places. 01:12:17.960 --> 01:12:21.960 And so Dennis brought Tallulah to their little honeymoon cottage. 01:12:21.960 --> 01:12:24.960 Well, here we are, my dear. After you, Tallulah. 01:12:24.960 --> 01:12:27.960 Oh, Dennis, are we going to do the threshold scene? 01:12:27.960 --> 01:12:35.960 Why, of course, of course. Here we go. Easy does it. That's it. Now you can put me down. 01:12:35.960 --> 01:12:37.960 Hello. 01:12:37.960 --> 01:12:39.960 Good heavens, who is this child? 01:12:39.960 --> 01:12:43.960 Oh, this is my surprise for you, Tallulah. This is our little girl. 01:12:43.960 --> 01:12:44.960 Our little girl? 01:12:44.960 --> 01:12:51.960 Yes, I wanted to save you the bother, so I ordered her from room service. Come here, child, say hello to your mother and father. 01:12:51.960 --> 01:12:54.960 Hello, daddy. Hello, mommy. 01:12:54.960 --> 01:12:58.960 I'm your mommy. He's your daddy. 01:12:58.960 --> 01:13:02.960 You're just trying to make me neurotic. 01:13:02.960 --> 01:13:06.960 Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to make an announcement at this time. 01:13:06.960 --> 01:13:19.960 Although Portland is their child, be it known to all creditors, I do not consider either Mr. King or Miss Bankhead my father-in-law or my mother-in-law. 01:13:19.960 --> 01:13:26.960 Now back to the plot. We may have something going here bigger than just plain bill. 01:13:26.960 --> 01:13:27.960 Hiya, dude. 01:13:27.960 --> 01:13:28.960 And who are you? 01:13:28.960 --> 01:13:33.960 I'm the governess for the little girl. 01:13:33.960 --> 01:13:39.960 Oh, but we wanted a couple of governess and a chauffeur. Now, if you're the governess, what is your husband? 01:13:39.960 --> 01:13:42.960 He's the governor, that's what. 01:13:42.960 --> 01:13:44.960 All right, governess, you can put the child to bed now. 01:13:44.960 --> 01:13:46.960 Okay, come on, kid. 01:13:46.960 --> 01:13:49.960 I don't want her. I want to watch television. 01:13:49.960 --> 01:13:55.960 Television, how dare you? Take her out and wash her mouth with soap and water. 01:13:55.960 --> 01:14:03.960 Honest, I don't know where she picked up that dirty waste. 01:14:03.960 --> 01:14:13.960 Well, as we look in on Dennis and Tallulah again, it is now 13 weeks later, and they have decided to pick up each other's options for another 13 weeks. 01:14:13.960 --> 01:14:18.960 Dennis, darling, this is our very first anniversary. We're having guests for dinner. I've invited Joan Davis and her new husband. 01:14:18.960 --> 01:14:21.960 Joan Davis? Oh, no, Tallulah. 01:14:21.960 --> 01:14:22.960 Why? Why? Do you know her? 01:14:22.960 --> 01:14:27.960 Well, not very well. I think I was married to her once. 01:14:27.960 --> 01:14:31.960 Well, darling, who wasn't? 01:14:31.960 --> 01:14:34.960 I want you to meet... Oh, that's you, dear. Hello, Joan. 01:14:34.960 --> 01:14:38.960 Oh, Tallulah, how are you? I want you to meet my new husband, Herb Shriner. 01:14:38.960 --> 01:14:40.960 How do you do, Mr. Shriner? 01:14:40.960 --> 01:14:42.960 Hello. 01:14:42.960 --> 01:14:44.960 I understand you just got back from your honeymoon, Joan. 01:14:44.960 --> 01:14:48.960 Oh, yes, we just came back from Europe on the Normandy. 01:14:48.960 --> 01:14:53.960 The Normandy? My dear, the Normandy was destroyed by fire at the pier here in New York several years ago. 01:14:53.960 --> 01:14:58.960 Yeah? No wonder the toast was so burned. 01:14:58.960 --> 01:15:02.960 How do you do? I'm the governess. You want the kid to sing her song now? 01:15:02.960 --> 01:15:08.960 Oh, this is our little girl's governess, and she's taught the child a song. I want you to hear it. Oh, yes, bring her in now, Judy. 01:15:08.960 --> 01:15:12.960 First, I gotta introduce her. Give the little kid a big hand. 01:15:12.960 --> 01:15:15.960 Not in the mouth! 01:15:15.960 --> 01:15:18.960 Not in the mouth? 01:15:18.960 --> 01:15:23.960 Sing your song, kid. Sing the song I learned you this morning about the white wings. 01:15:23.960 --> 01:15:30.960 At this point, I must interrupt to explain that I have the only banjo in town that can accompany this child's voice. 01:15:30.960 --> 01:15:34.960 Now, when my banjo starts, ladies and gentlemen, do not let it fool you. 01:15:34.960 --> 01:15:39.960 It's only a banjo, but it sounds like a symphony orchestra. Listen. 01:15:39.960 --> 01:15:49.960 Banjo 01:15:49.960 --> 01:15:59.960 Banjo 01:16:19.960 --> 01:16:29.960 Banjo 01:16:49.960 --> 01:16:59.960 Banjo 01:17:19.960 --> 01:17:29.960 Banjo 01:17:49.960 --> 01:17:59.960 Banjo 01:18:19.960 --> 01:18:29.960 Banjo 01:18:49.960 --> 01:18:59.960 Banjo 01:19:19.960 --> 01:19:29.960 Banjo 01:19:49.960 --> 01:19:59.960 Banjo 01:20:19.960 --> 01:20:29.960 Banjo 01:20:49.960 --> 01:20:59.960 Banjo 01:21:19.960 --> 01:21:29.960 Banjo 01:21:49.960 --> 01:21:59.960 Banjo 01:22:19.960 --> 01:22:29.960 Banjo 01:22:49.960 --> 01:22:59.960 Banjo 01:23:19.960 --> 01:23:29.960 Banjo 01:23:49.960 --> 01:23:59.960 Banjo 01:24:19.960 --> 01:24:29.960 Banjo 01:24:49.960 --> 01:24:59.960 Banjo 01:25:19.960 --> 01:25:29.960 Banjo 01:25:49.960 --> 01:25:59.960 Banjo 01:26:19.960 --> 01:26:29.960 Banjo 01:26:49.960 --> 01:26:59.960 Banjo 01:27:19.960 --> 01:27:29.960 Banjo