You are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business.
For the next hour and 30 minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as...
Fred Allen
Joan Davis
Portland Hoffa
Judy Holliday
Dennis King
Lisa Kirk
Herb Shiner
Fran Warren
Meredith Wilson
And my name darlings is Tallulah Bankhead.
The National Broadcasting Company presents...
The Big Show!
90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world.
Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of
NBC's All Star Festival.
And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead.
Well darlings, I made it.
Didn't think I would you know.
This was Virus X week.
Not too severe a case.
My temperature was perfectly normal, 110.
But those ghastly medicines they gave me were not so much the medicine, the water they made
me swallow with it.
Wonder drugs.
It's a wonder I drugged myself out of bed this morning.
Well this virus thing leaves you so weakened.
When the doctor turned on that little spotlight to look into my throat, I was so weak I could
hardly take a bow.
But I thought I played the whole scene rather well.
Some of my friends from the theatre who came to visit me applauded spontaneously when I
had a coughing spasm.
But wouldn't you know that one of my very best actress friends tried to steal the scene
from me.
What a conniving thing to do.
In the middle of one of my most dramatic coughs, she has a baby.
But oh well, being ill has its brighter side too.
Let's come with little gifts for you.
I bring you something to lula.
Ah, thank you Joan Davies.
Here's a tin of chocolates.
Oh you're so sweet Joan, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
You'll find they're gentle and fast acting.
Joan please.
Now let's take it easy.
I'm not feeling my best yet.
My throat's still somewhat hoarse.
Really?
How can you tell?
It always happens.
When I tell people I have laryngitis I get no sympathy at all.
Well I've been sick myself since I came here from Hollywood.
Oh I am sorry darling, I wish you'd have told me.
My doctor's just marvelous.
Oh I had a doctor.
He's a theatrical doctor.
Charges 480 a visit.
Tax with amusement tax of course.
Yes and you know I just had a wonderful nurse.
He bathed my brow, catered to my every wish, held my hand.
What a wonderful nurse.
Sure hated to see him go.
Well you know it sounds as if you were very sick Joan.
Now my blood pressure reached a high of 42.
42?
You think that's something?
With my blood pressure at its highest I owe him 13 points.
And not only that Zulula, just think I have neuritis in every one of my ten fingers.
Really?
Well I have neuritis in nine fingers and in my tenth finger I have bursitis.
And besides that I have a cough I can feel way down in my lungs.
Lungs?
Who's got lungs?
And here's something else, did you know I have a silver plate in my head?
I have service for six.
How fast?
Five years ago I died.
Well I died ten years ago.
Yeah I saw you in lifeboat.
And not only that but that bit you were doing before about one of your friends stealing
your coughing scene by having a baby.
Well I had a cold once in Kansas City and one of my visiting friends deliberately had
twins.
Well two years ago when I had my appendix removed a girlfriend came to see me in the
hospital and had triplets.
Yeah?
Eight years ago when I was making a picture, a picture in Hollywood, I tripped and broke
my ankle and the director's wife had to take that very minute to have quadruplets.
Seventeen years ago when I was touring one of my plays in Canada, a woman by the name
of Papa Dion.
I passed.
I can't beat five of a kind.
Is this a private clinic or can anyone get in?
Lisa Kirk darling.
Lisa, Lisa we were just standing here comparing ailments.
How do you feel?
Oh I'm in good shape.
Yes I see.
But how do you feel?
I'm fine.
Oh Lisa you know Joan Davis don't you?
Sure hello Joan.
Hello.
Gee I saw you in that Cole Porter show, Kiss Me Kate, and you introduced that big hit song
I'm Always True to You Darling After an Old Fashion.
Lisa I don't think you know it but I was quite ill this past week.
Oh I'm so sorry Tallulah.
Just listen to this.
Bravo that was beautiful Tallulah, simply beautiful.
Oh thank you my dear enough an encore.
So for an encore I will now run my temperature up to 110.
A measly 110.
Where I come from that's for newborn babies.
Newborn babies that's an idea.
Ladies and gentlemen for an encore.
Not here you old man.
Oh Lisa how about your song?
Well dear I feel a song coming on.
As delirious a song for you as I've ever heard.
Lisa Kirk singing I feel a song coming on.
There it is Wilson how about some music if you please.
I remember my days of solitude when it was folly to dream.
When my heartbeat was not required a great inspiring theme.
But today my dark cloud is breaking music deep inside me is waking.
I feel a song coming on and the morning it's a victorious happy and glorious new stain.
You'll hear a tuneful story ringing through you love and glory hallelujah and now that
my troubles are gone.
Let those heavenly drums go on drumming cause I feel a song coming on.
I feel a wonderful song coming on and the morning it's a victorious happy and glorious
new stain.
I feel a breaking song.
I feel a song coming on.
It's a melody full of the laughter of children all after the rain.
You'll hear a tuneful story that is ringing right through you love and glory.
Shout hallelujah.
And now that my troubles are gone.
Let those heavenly drums go on drumming cause I feel a song.
I feel a song, a beautiful song.
I feel a song coming on.
Lisa darling, thank you very much.
Your song made me feel much better.
I think I'm ready to face life again.
Tallulah, can you face me for a moment?
I said life, but I'll settle for you Fred Allen.
Tallulah, I'm certainly glad to hear your feeling.
If you'll pardon the expression, your old self again.
I am a little better Fred, but I feel a cold all the time.
Oh, feeling cold is nothing.
Without your glasses, instead of a closet, you must have stepped into a fridger there
in the evening or something.
But tell me Tallulah, did the doctor give you any shots of penicillin?
The new ballpoint penicillin.
Well, I don't know why Fred, but he gave me five shots a day for a whole week.
Well, that's the way to get to the seat of your trouble.
You know, I have had a lot of dealings with doctors.
I remember when I was touring in Vaudeville.
May it rest in peace.
It keeps coming to life on television though.
The dance acts are beating it down with their canes again.
Well, when I was touring in Vaudeville, I was playing a split week in Walla Walla.
Three days in each Walla.
And I developed Berry Berry.
A berry in each Walla in Sudan.
And that was 20 years ago.
Well, I went to a doctor there in Walla Walla.
He came out with a divining rod and found water on my knee.
And he gave me...
That's all he had, a divining rod and a bonfire.
An old cannibal doctor had a bonfire in the office going.
Well, this doctor gave me six months to live.
Well, you certainly moved him, didn't you Fred, and me too.
Well, there are two schools of thought on that, Tallulah.
Last evening, a mortician beckoned to me from a doorway, but I passed him by.
Every doctor I go to these days tells me that I ought to lose a little weight around the hips.
So he starts by slimming down my wallet.
You know how it is when you go to a doctor, he fields your purse right away.
Well, I have a doctor now.
I have a doctor now. Every time I go to him, he gives me another prescription.
Well, what are the prescriptions good for, Fred?
Oh, they're good for the doctor.
My ulcer sent his oldest son through Harvard.
My high blood pressure married off his daughter at the Waldorf.
And my sacroiliac sent his wife to Florida.
And now frankly, Tallulah, I am a little worried about my liver.
But Fred, has it been bothering you?
Well, not yet. But the other day, I saw my doctor's wife at Bergdorf Goodman's, browsing through the mink coat rack.
And I do hope that she finds a short jacket she likes.
Because if she doesn't, I am in for an operation.
Well, in spite of everything you say, Fred, I don't think I've ever seen you looking better.
What have you been doing lately?
Well, I'm out in the air a lot, running from doctor to doctor, you know.
Well, things have been picking up for me, though.
As you probably know, I was in radio for 17 years, until a queer show knocked me off.
And I accumulated thousands of scripts.
And last week, through a stroke of good fortune, I received a very important offer for my old radio script.
Oh, that's wonderful, Fred. Does that mean you're coming back to radio?
Oh, no, no. This is a private enterprise.
I am selling confetti to small towns who have no celebrities returning.
These small towns can have the band play and throw the confetti around the streets.
And that way, they can have a big day and they don't even need a celebrity, you see.
What a way to treat those wonderful jokes in your script, Fred.
All those scripts torn into shreds, scattered over the streets, picked up by the sanitation department.
Bail sold as waste, ground into pulp, and converted into paper and made into newspapers and magazines.
Well, that completes the cycle, because that's where I got the jokes in the first place.
Well, some things on the printed page last forever, especially if it's written by George Bernard Shaw, one of the great wits of our time.
Shaw wrote some of the most brilliant satirical comedy we have ever heard in the theater.
This past week, I was going through one of my old theater programs and ran across one of the most brilliant scenes Shaw ever wrote.
It's in a play called The Devil's Disciple.
We cabled to London for permission to do an excerpt from this fine satirical comedy,
and we were fortunate to have secured the services of one of America's and England's finest actors,
whose portrayal of General Burgoyne made that evening in the theater so memorable for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dennis King.
The scene in New Hampshire, the time 1777, during the Revolutionary War, the play The Devil's Disciple,
which sadly refers to young Richard Dudgeon, American, known as the Devil's Disciple because of his lively disrespect for certain Puritan observances.
In the play, Richard Dudgeon has been arrested by the British, mistaken for a Yankee Presbyterian minister, one Anthony Anderson,
whom the British would hang as an example to rebellious colonists.
As a matter of principle, however, Richard does not attempt to save himself by revealing that he is not Anderson.
As our scene opens, the Red Coast prepare to bring Richard Dudgeon to trial.
Here we meet General John Burgoyne, whom Shaw describes as age 55 and very well preserved,
a man of fashion, gallant, witty, and aristocratically connected enough to have had opportunities of high military distinction.
Here is Dennis King in his famous role of General Burgoyne.
The General, sir.
Major Swindon, I presume?
Yes. General Burgoyne, if I'm not mistaken. I'm glad to have the support of your presence this morning.
It is not a particularly lively business, hanging this poor devil of a minister?
No, sir, it is not. It's making too much of the fellow to execute him.
What more could you have done if he'd been an Episcopalian?
Martyrdom, sir, is what these people like. It is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
However, you have committed us to hanging him, and the sooner he's hanged, the better.
We've arranged it for twelve o'clock. Nothing remains to be done except to try him.
Nothing except to save our own necks, perhaps? Have you heard the news from Springtown?
Nothing special, sir. The latest reports are satisfactory.
Satisfactory, sir, satisfactory? Well, I'm glad you take that view of them.
Do I understand that in your opinion...
I do not express my opinion. I never stoop to that habit of profane language, which unfortunately cautions our profession.
If I did, sir, perhaps I should be able to express my opinion of the news from Springtown.
The news which you have apparently not heard.
How soon do you get news from your supports here? In the course of a month?
Eh? I suppose the reports have been taken to you, sir, instead of to me. Is there anything serious?
Well, Springtown's in the hands of the rebels. Since yesterday?
It's two o'clock this morning. Perhaps we shall be in their hands before two o'clock tomorrow morning. Have you thought of that?
As to that, General, the British soldier will give a good account of himself.
And therefore, I suppose, sir, the British officer need not know his business.
The British soldier will get him out of all his blunders with a bayonet.
In future, sir, I must ask you to be a little less generous with the blood of your men and a little more generous with your own brains.
I'm sorry, sir, I cannot pretend to your intellectual eminence. I can only do my best and rely on the devotion of my countrymen.
May I ask, are you writing a melodrama, Major Swindon?
No, sir.
Oh, what a pity, what a pity. Do you at all realize, sir, that we have nothing standing between us and our destruction,
but our own bluff and the sheepishness of these colonists? They are men of the same English stock as ourselves.
Six to one of us. Six to one, sir. And nearly half our troops are Hessians, Brunswickers, German dragoons, and Indians with scalping knives.
These are the countrymen upon whose devotion you rely.
Suppose the colonists find a leader. Suppose the news from Springtown should turn out to mean that they have already found a leader.
What should we do then, eh?
Our duty, sir, I presume.
Quite so, quite so. Well, thank you, Major Swindon, thank you.
Well, now you've settled the question, sir, thrown a flood of light on the situation.
What a comfort to me to feel that I have at my side so devoted and able an officer to support me in this emergency.
I, uh, I think, sir, it will probably relieve both our feelings if we proceed to hang this dissenter without further delay,
especially as I am debarred by my principles from the customary military vent for my feelings.
Bring your man in. Yes, sir.
And mention to any officer you may meet that the court cannot wait any longer for him.
The staff is perfectly ready, sir. They've been waiting your convenience for fully half an hour.
Perfectly ready, sir. So am I, so am I, so am I.
Ah, good morning, gentlemen, good morning. Sorry to disturb you, I'm sure. It's very good of you to spare us a few moments.
Will you preside, sir?
Oh, no, sir, I, I feel my own deficiencies too keenly to presume so far.
If you'll kindly allow me, I will sit at the feet of Gamaliel.
As you please, sir. I'm only trying to do my duty under excessively trying circumstances.
Who, uh, who is that woman?
Prisoner's wife, sir. She begged me to allow her to be present and I thought that...
You thought it would be a pleasure for her?
Quite so, quite so, quite so.
Give the, give the lady a chair and make her thoroughly comfortable.
Your name, sir?
Come, you don't mean to say you've brought me here without knowing who I am.
As a matter of form, sir, give me your name.
As a matter of form, then, my name is Anthony Anderson, Presbyterian minister in this town.
Indeed. Pray, Mr. Anderson, what do you gentlemen believe?
I shall be happy to explain. If time has allowed me, I cannot undertake to complete your conversion in less than a fortnight.
We are not here to discuss your view.
Oh, I stand review. Oh, not you, sir.
Oh, don't mention it. Don't mention it, they just winded me.
Oh, Mr. Anderson, any, uh, any political views?
I understand. That's just what we're here to find out.
Do you mean to deny that you are a rebel?
I am an American, sir.
What do you expect me to think of that speech, Mr. Anderson?
I never expect a soldier to think, sir.
Oh, that's awfully good. Oh, that's lovely.
I advise you not to be insolent, sir.
You can't help yourself, General.
When you make up your mind to hang a man, you put yourself at a disadvantage with him.
Why should I be civil to you?
I may as well be hanging for a sheep as a lamb.
You have no right to assume that the court has made up its mind without a fair trial.
And you're pleased not to address me as general. I am major Swindon.
A thousand pardons. I thought I had the honor of addressing gentlemanly Johnny.
I, uh, I believe I am gentlemanly Johnny, sir, at your service.
My more intimate friends call me General Burgoyne.
You will, uh, you will understand, sir, I hope, since you seem to be a gentleman
and a man of some spirit, in spite of your calling,
that if we should have the misfortune to hang you,
we shall do so as a mere matter of political necessity and military duty
without any personal ill-feeling.
Oh, quite so. That makes all the difference in the world, of course.
Oh, believe me, sir, you are placing us under the greatest obligation
by taking this very disagreeable business so thoroughly in the spirit of a gentleman.
Sergeant, give Mr. Anderson a chair.
Now, Major Swinwy, waiting for you.
You are aware, I presume, Mr. Anderson, of your obligations
as a subject of His Majesty King George III.
I am aware, sir, that His Majesty King George III is about to hang me
because I object to Lord North's robbing me.
That is a treasonable speech, sir.
Yes, I mean it to be.
Uh, uh, Mr. Anderson, uh, don't you think that this is rather...
Well, if you'll excuse the word, a vulgar line to take.
Now, why should you cry out robbery
because of a stamp duty and a tea duty and so forth?
After all, it is the essence of your position as a gentleman
that you pay with a good grade.
It is not the money, General,
but to be swindled by a pig-headed lunatic like King George...
Silence, silence!
Of course, that is another point of view, isn't it?
Yes, well, my, uh, my position does not allow
of my going into that, except in private.
But of course, Mr. Anderson, if you're determined to be hanged,
there's nothing more to be said.
An unusual taste. However...
Shall we call witnesses?
What need is there of witnesses?
The townspeople here had listened to me,
you'd have found the streets barricaded,
the houses looped, and the people in arms
to hold the town against it of the last man.
You arrived, unfortunately, before we'd got out of the talking stage,
and then it was too late.
Well, sir, we shall teach you and your townspeople
a lesson they'll not forget.
Have you anything more to say?
I think you might have the decency to treat me as a prisoner of war
and shoot me like a man instead of hanging me like a dog.
Now, there, Mr. Anderson, you talk like a civilian,
if you'll excuse my saying so.
Have you any idea the average marksmanship of the army
of his majesty King George the Third?
Now, if we, if we make you up a firing party, what will happen?
Half of them will miss you.
The rest will make a mess of the business
and leave you to the Bravo Marshal's pistol.
Whereas, Mr. Anderson, we can hang you
in a perfectly workmanlike and agreeable manner.
Oh, Mr. Anderson, let me persuade you to be hanged.
Thank you, General.
That view of the case did not occur to me before.
To oblige you, I withdraw my objection to the rope.
Hang me by all means.
Yes, will, will twelve o'clock suit you, Mr. Anderson?
I shall be at your disposal then, General.
You have my greatest admiration, sir.
Well, nothing more to be said, gentlemen.
The
What a brilliant performance.
Thanks first to you fine supporting players,
Martin Blaine and Horace Graham.
And as for you, Dennis King, come over here, darling.
I want to say hello.
Hello, Trulula.
To be honest, may I say there isn't another actor
in the theatre today that we could have got to play that part
as... Yes, Trulula.
...as simply as we got you.
Well, thank you, Trulula, thank you.
And you'll pardon me pointing this out, I'm sure.
But so far your writers have given me
three scintillating brilliant lines.
They are, hello, Trulula, yes, Trulula, and thank you, Trulula.
Now, do you mind, darling, if I supply a little gem of my own?
Of course you may, darling.
Oh, no, you don't.
Come back here, Dennis, I want to talk to you.
Trulula, I am not going to stand here and bandy bad jokes with you
about your strange singing voice,
about your singularly marital status,
or about this decadent, expressionless medium called radio
for which you have forsaken the theatre.
But Dennis, I haven't.
I will not stand here hemming and hawing over this ghoulish career
you've chosen for yourself as contrasted with a theatre
which gave you birth and nourished you and moulded you
into an artist whose colourful character portraits
even now hang in the halls of theatrical fame.
But, darling, I...
I will not hemm and hawing with these few dismal lines of limp,
lacklustre lunacies you've handed me to read
to amuse these gaping stragglers who've wandered into this radio theatre.
And for free yet.
LAUGHTER
Are you quite finished hemming and hawing?
What I started to say to you before you began that impersonation of Arthur Treasurer...
Oh, no, not him!
I was so taken with your performance a few moments ago,
I was trying to invite you to play the summer theatres with me this season
in a revival of my play, Private Lives.
Well, I would rather die.
LAUGHTER
You have been listening to this show, haven't you?
And I don't see why you won't play it with me.
After all, last year you won a play as General Burgoyne.
So?
This season you're on Broadway in a play called Billy Budd as Captain Beer.
So?
The way you're being demoted by this summer, you'll be just right for private lives.
I'm too sweet, isn't I?
You've been listening too closely.
Why won't you play with me, darling?
I beg your pardon?
In Private Lives.
Oh, I thought that was a little...
Yes, please!
Please try to keep the conversation to the intellectual level of this programme.
Very well. May I help you down, darling?
LAUGHTER
Very clever.
About as clever as that young man in the play you just did,
choosing hanging rather than shooting.
Oh, you would have preferred shooting?
Naturally. It is my fondest hope that when I reach 90
I shall be shocked by a jealous wife.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
SING SING ZOOM ZOOM
My little heart goes boom
When I hear this melody play
SING ZOOM ZOOM
A little simple tune
Who cares what the words may be say
SING ZOOM ZOOM
You hear it once and soon you'll find out
You have been listening to Melody Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus.
I'll take just a moment before we continue to say that this is NBC,
the National Broadcasting Company.
The Big Show.
This is the National Broadcasting Company's Sunday extravaganza
with the most scintillating personalities in show business.
The Big Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival,
is brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio,
first in recorded music, first in television,
by Chester Field, the only cigarette that gives you mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste,
the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope,
and by the makers of Ameson for fast relief from the pain of headache,
uranus and uralgia.
The big stars in this program are Fred Allen, Joan Davis,
Portland Hoffa, Judy Holliday, Dennis King, Lisa Kirk, Herb Schreiner,
Fran Warren, Meredith Wilson and his Big Show Orchestra and Chorus,
and every week your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable,
Tallulah Bankhead.
Ah!
Applause
Well darlings, this is our 25th Big Show,
and there are two more to go before we start a new season in the fall.
And don't think I'm not looking forward to that summer vacation.
I haven't quite made up my mind yet where I'm going.
Several people have written in suggesting where I could go.
But in the summer I prefer someplace cooler.
I'd like to go to a quiet place where nobody's running after me for autographs,
no photographers, no reporters, someplace nobody knows me.
Sounds like CBS.
Well, I haven't picked a spot yet, but I've made up my mind to go away somewhere.
You're going alone Tallulah?
Yes, I am, Judy Holliday.
Applause
Are you still single, huh?
Laughter
Judy darling, this has been a very bad week for me.
I was sick in bed and running a temperature,
and the only reason the doctor let me out today is because I had to do the show.
And I promised my doctor I wouldn't allow myself to get excited or act crazy.
So Judy, will you please lay off the single stuff so I can follow my doctor's orders?
I'm sorry, Tallulah.
That's better.
Is the doctor single?
Oh, Judy.
I'm only trying to look out for your interests.
Well, please don't. I'm quite happy the way I am.
All I need is a little rest and a change of scene.
That's why I'm planning a boat trip this summer. I may go to, uh, to England.
A nice Englishman is nice.
I might go to France.
The Frenchman would be nice.
I might even go to Tangier's.
Tallulah, are you going to marry a Tangerine?
Laughter
Judy, I am not taking a boat trip to get married.
I'm just going for a change.
Well, wouldn't that be a change?
Laughter
Wouldn't it be nice to have somebody to walk the deck with you
and stand by the rail and hold your hand?
I don't expect to do much deck walking.
I'll probably be violently ill the whole way over.
All right, so stand by the rail and hold your head.
Laughter
And you know what, Tallulah? I got just the fella for you.
I'm sure you have.
And you've probably got the wedding date set and everything.
It doesn't matter if I love him or not.
So what if you don't love him? Just don't hate him.
Laughter
He's very nice. He's five foot one inch tall.
Five foot one? Really, Judy?
So he'll grow on you.
Laughter
I'll arrange for you to meet him. He lives in Brooklyn.
Naturally. I wouldn't even know how to get to Brooklyn.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Laughter
Or maybe your idea is better, Tallulah.
Getting a European husband, they're much more romantic.
They'll treat you as if you were a girl.
All you have to do is tell them.
Laughter
European men are not for me. American men are the best.
Sure, they're the best.
But if American men don't look at you, then European men are the best.
Laughter
Aw, you'll love living over there, Tallulah.
Maybe you'll be an Englishman.
It'll be so romantic walking along the Thames River.
It's Thames, darling.
Oh, Thames? Thanks.
And you and him riding in your big limousine with a chauffeur.
And you say, Buckingham Palace, please, Gems.
It's James, darling.
Laughter
Well, make up your mind.
Laughter
My mind is made up. I would never leave this country.
I love New York. I've lived here practically all my life.
Everything I hold near and dear is in New York.
The things I'm used to. My dentist, my hairdresser's here.
Aw, your roots are in New York.
Laughter
They certainly are. So I'll make my ocean trip by myself.
You can get off alone on a boat by yourself.
Oh, I don't know. There's always the captain or the first mate.
Well, that's what I say. First mate and then go.
Oh, I get it.
Laughter
Applause
Here's a word from RCA Victor.
Last week, the curtain went up on the 75th anniversary of the National Baseball League
and the 50th anniversary of the American League.
And there's no better way to celebrate than by enjoying at first hand
the thrills and the clean sportsmanship of baseball today.
Baseball today. It's the American way.
Of course, next best thing to a seat in the stands is a seat in front of a 19-inch RCA Victor television.
RCA Victor's new extra powerful picture pickup gives you the best possible reception.
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And while we're on the subject of RCA, this would be as good a time as any to present our next singing star, Fran Warren.
Fran is one of the top recording stars of RCA and she's going to sing her latest RCA smash record.
It just so happens it's a tune which was written by our very own Meredith Wilson.
It's that bright and gay new spring tune called Here Comes the Springtime.
Fran, Meredith, how about getting together on it, darlings?
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. All my resistance is falling apart.
Sweet evening breeze, go away if you please. Lilacs and smilacs, unhand me.
Fresh morning dew, you are soaking me through with feelings that don't understand me.
After the robins, the crickets will start.
Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hey.
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. All my resistance is falling apart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee.
Bluebird Brigade, you have sure got me made. Pansies and violets I'm loving. Panama Hat, I am flat on the mat. You butterflies gotta quit shoving.
After the crickets, the post-rocks will start. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hey-dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hold-ly, hide-ly, hey.
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart dear. Hold-ly, you grab it and run.
Stand darling, come here. That was beautifully done.
That is a bouncy tune, isn't it, Tallulah?
Yes, and you know who sang it for the first time anywhere?
I thought I did.
You did not? Joan Davies and I happened to have introduced that tune on this very program the minute Meredith finished writing it. Why, the ink wasn't even dry yet.
Oh yes, I heard it. Messy, wasn't it?
What I don't understand is why nobody asked me to record these tunes. After all, my recording of I'll Be Seeing You is a smash record.
Yes, I smashed mine.
Accidentally, I trust.
Oh, of course it was an accident, Tallulah.
You happened to be walking across, don't you, Trollah?
That's right.
Oh, Tallulah.
Oh, here she is again, lethal holiday.
Judy dear, I want you to meet Fran Warren. Fran, Judy Holiday.
Hello.
Hiya, Joe.
Fran is a very good friend of mine, Judy.
Some friend. She's such a good friend of yours. Why she stand so close to you, looking so young and pretty?
Yes.
Why, thank you very much, Miss Holiday, but I'm not really that pretty.
I don't think so either.
But by comparison...
Judy!
Fran Warren is one of our most popular singers.
Yeah, I heard it. Here comes the springtime, big deal.
Come on, Meredith. Get your flute. We'll show them.
Oh, Meredith.
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart, holy, hiddly, hey, Dee.
All my resistance is falling apart, holy, hiddly, hey.
Spring, that's when I met my first fella.
He was five and I was five. Between us we made ten the hard way.
I remember it was in the spring because the fish were running, the brooks were running, his nose...
Holy, hiddly. He was such a cute little fella.
He had a top and he always let me spin it that first spring.
And in the winter he tied a string to the top, made a yo-yo out of it.
He was the only five-year-old kid in the neighborhood with a convertible top.
He was such a cute little fella.
The next spring he was six and I was six. Box cars.
We went swimming together that spring and he asked me what the other part of my bathing suit was for and I told him.
But it wasn't until I was fifteen I found out there was an earmuff.
Fifteen. What a lovely age.
That first pair of high heels, I'll never forget the first day he wore them.
He was such a cute tall fella. And then when we were seventeen, I'll never forget that spring, he smoked his first cigar.
How proudly I wore the band. We was engaged.
Totally hiddly.
When we were eighteen he bought his first car, a bluesy Dan.
And that spring we went for a drive and we drove under a low bridge.
He was the first kid in the neighborhood with a convertible top.
And then came the war. Greetings. Totally hiddly.
I worked in the shipyard and how handsome he was in his uniform.
And then when it was over he said we should get married on his GI unemployment insurance.
But they turned him down. They said air raid wardens weren't considered veterans.
Well, I didn't see him again for a couple of years until just this spring I ran into him again on the street.
He was so formal. He tipped his hat and a heavy gust of wind came along and blew off his toupee.
He was still the only fella in the neighborhood with a convertible top.
Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart.
Totally hiddly.
And now ladies and gentlemen, here are two young men who are always in season. Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.
Bob, do you realize we only have one thing in common? Hardly enough for a happy marriage, is it? What's that Bing?
Chesterfields of course. We both like them, we both sell them. And we'd better get to selling them now.
You know folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste.
How do you know they're mild? Well, you just make our mildness test. You buy them, open them up and enjoy that milder aroma.
Then smoke a Chesterfield. You'll know it's milder because it smokes milder.
Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel.
So, always buy Chesterfield. Let's sum it up musically.
Buy Chesterfield, Chesterfield, the one that proves its case. Yes, Chesterfields are milder, milder, plus no aftertaste.
Ho ho, open the pack and give them a sniff. Then you'll smoke them.
Hey, Tallulah. Yes, Joan Davis. You know, Judy and I have been talking about your problem.
Now look Joan, don't you start that too. We were talking about spring. Let's stick to that subject.
Yeah, but I hate spring. All it means to me is spring cleaning. You know, I had a six room apartment in Hollywood and every year comes spring.
So one year I cleaned up all the stuff that accumulated and shoved it into the library and locked it up.
And the next year there wasn't any room left in the library so I shoved it all in the living room and locked it up.
And I've been doing it for five years. I now have the cutest little one room apartment you ever saw.
The tile is just spotless. Well, I really went down the drain.
I should have taken the plunge. Well, maybe we'd better get back to the other subjects.
No, it's starting to sink anyway. You know, Judy and I think that there must be something wrong with your technique because you've got everything a man would want.
I have, darling. Oh, sure. Yeah. You got money.
And you've got... Don't rush me now. I'll think about it. You've got... Give me time here now.
Well, they say I'm loaded with glamour. Oh, sure. You're loaded.
You got money. Joan, money isn't everything. There was a proverb I learned when I was a child.
Money is the root of all evil. I knew it backwards. Yes, and evil spelled backwards is live.
And money, I'll have you know, Joan, this gown cost me $750. $750? Boy, you should cut down on your gowns.
And if you cut your gowns down far enough, you could get yourself a man. Then he'd pay for them, see?
I spend my own money. I spent $13,000 on a mink coat. I bought a house in the country for $49,000. It was on sale.
And I just bought a town car for $8,000. All that money she could spend, but ten cents to call up a fellow she can't afford.
Judy, I never phone a man. How do you like that, Joan? She never phones a man.
Yeah. A salmon swims all the way upstream to find a mate, and she won't walk across the street to phone a man.
I am not interested in meeting a salmon.
So, there are other fish in the sea. Oh, all right, I give up. How long can I fight this?
Don't fight it, Tallulah. It's bigger than both of us.
All right, Joan, now what do you want me to do? Well, we're going to show you how to call up and make a date with a man.
You're going to show me? Why do I have to do this? Don't fight it, Tallulah.
What about my ego? It's bigger than both of us.
Look, we'll call up somebody. Anybody. We'll pick a number out of a hat. Stetson, 5, 4, 2, 6, and 7 eighths.
That's a good one. I'll call him.
Now, watch the way I handle this, Tallulah. You've got to be aggressive. Don't take no for an answer. Watch this.
Hello? Hello, Fred. This is Joan. What are you doing tonight? Come on over and I'll cook dinner. Roast beef.
No, Joan, I'm sorry, but I'm busy tonight. Well, how about Saturday night? No, no, I can't make it Saturday.
A week from Saturday? Look, Joan, I am going to be out of town for a couple of months. I won't be back until July 15th.
That's a date. And don't forget it now. I've already got the roast beef in the oven.
You put the roast beef on now for July 15th? It'll be all right. It's on a low flame. I hope you like it rare.
Look, Joan, I have to read these straight lines, but I don't have to eat your cooking.
Well, then how about taking me to dinner tonight? I have a dinner date.
Well, how about later and we'll go to a movie? I'll be busy. How about night club? I told you I'm going to be busy.
Well, let me put it this way. How about come over to my house and we'll neck? I'll be right over.
You see, simple? I mean, you see, simple.
I'll do it another way. Watch me, Tallulah. The thing to do is confuse them. I'll call up the same guy. Watch how I mix them up.
Hello? Who is this calling, please?
What do you mean, who is this calling? You called me.
You must have the wrong number. Is this 65426 and 78? Yes. Then you have the right number. Who is this? This is Fred Allen.
Fred Allen. Hello, Fred. This is Judy Holliday. I was just thinking about you.
Just thinking about me? You just called me. Well, that's how I happen to be thinking about you.
Now, about our date for Friday night. We have a date for Friday night? Well, okay. It's nice of you to ask.
Where will I meet you? Now, look, Judy. I can't make any dates. Oh. Well, let me put it this way. How about coming over to my house and we'll neck?
That's a date. I'll be right over. You see, Tallulah, that's the way to do it. Go ahead, try it.
Oh, very well. But I think you two waste too much time. Get to the point. All right, get to the phone.
Hey, for luck, dial with the fourth finger of your left hand. Hello? Oh, hello. This is Tallulah. How about coming over to the house and necking?
I beg your pardon. Who is this? This is Mrs. Fred Allen. You see, that always happens to me.
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Here is Meredith Wilson with the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus playing John Scott Trotter's lovely new tune, Any Town is Paris When You're Young.
Meredith, darling, if you please.
Any town is Paris when you're young. In every sky a lover's mood is high.
Every love's the one love that you swear you'll never leave. And the gypsy spell of spring is yours to leave.
All the world is magic when you're young. Every star's the sweetest ever sun.
Every street's a lover's lane where racing stars are strung. Yes, any town is Paris when you're young.
Every love's the one love that you swear you'll never leave. And the gypsy spell of spring is yours to leave.
Every street's a lover's lane where racing stars are strung. Yes, any town, just any town.
All the world is magic when you're young, when you're young. Every song is just the sweetest song that's ever been sung.
Every street's a lover's lane where wishing stars are strung. Yes, any town is Paris when you're young.
Well, darlings, we have more show for you, but we'll take just a moment out here first to let Ed Hurley say...
This portion of the program has been brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.
By Chesterfield, the only cigarette that gives you mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
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And now, Tallulah, if you'll ring your child. Glad to, Ed. This, darlings, is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
This is the big show, and Tallulah Bankhead is about to introduce her next guest.
Now, to make the big show a complete ball of fun, here's that long, tall fella with the small town tales.
The homespun who's here who just moseyed in. Here's Herb Schreiner.
Hello. Well, Miss Bankhead, after that big send-off you just gave me there, I can't hardly wait to hear what I got to say.
Actually, I didn't mosey over, though. I tell you the truth, I come in a taxi cab, which is...
Well, I didn't figure on doing that. I'd never do that. I had to this time, though.
Oh, well, you were afraid you were going to be late, you mean, huh?
Well, you see, the wind blew my hat into the cab, and before I could get out of there, the meter was up to half a dollar.
I figure I'd go along with it. But, you know, this is one place where the taxi meter seemed to go faster than the cabs do.
Well, I guess you find it costs quite a bit to do this town.
Well, it's a pretty big town, I'll tell you that. I know what costs so much, mostly, is these tips.
You get to... Well, you take over to the hotel where I'm staying, they got a fellow out in front there, the doorman, and he's got a kind of a good deal there.
He gets between you and something he's going to do anyways, and he charges you for it.
He got me this afternoon pretty good. He charged me a quarter just to open the door. I wasn't even going out.
It wasn't like that around home, I tell you.
Which reminds me, Herb, the last time you were here, you told us some fascinating things about your hometown in Indiana.
Are you really from Indiana?
Yep, me and all my folks are from Indiana. Well, except my grandfather. He was born over in Ohio, but he moved to Indiana as soon as he heard about it.
Well, what town are you from down there? I may have played it when I was on tour sometime.
Well, I don't think so. It's not the kind of town that anybody would ever stop off in. I mean, unless they got on the wrong road or something, they wouldn't...
Well, actually, you see, what they usually do is just roll their windows up and keep going. That's kind of a town.
I doubt if you ever played it, Miss Bankhead. We didn't get any shows. We didn't get plays or operas or...
Well, actually, we didn't get nothing. But there's enough of it to go around. We all got in on it anyways.
Well, that way I guess nobody felt left out. What do you suppose was holding the town back?
Well, I think the trouble was we didn't have enough get up and go. Actually, you'd get up and then there wasn't any place to go anyways.
So we'd just kind of lay there.
Oh, I think I'm beginning to get a picture of it. I've been through a lot of those towns.
I can see the little four corners, a bank on one corner, a barber shop on the other, a statue in the middle of the square.
Hmm, and ain't quite that big. I tell you, we didn't have any bank out there. Actually, we didn't need one either.
If anybody would save up any money, they'd use it to get out of town.
But in a barber shop wasn't what you thought it was either. Actually, we had a fellow that run the barber shop.
Well, he wasn't even a barber. You'd never know unless he cut your hair, of course. A lot of us didn't ever think much about it.
He was a chicken farmer. He'd give you a haircut all right. He'd dip your head in a bucket of hot water and then he'd just kind of rip the hair out.
Of course, nobody ever said anything about it. He only charged a dime.
But you know, you spoke about the statue. We didn't even have a statue around there. That's the thing that used to make me feel so bad.
We had a blank spot right in the center of town there where we was figuring on putting one up.
But you know, not having a statue, you couldn't even keep pigeons around there. It was a mess.
So what we thought we'd do, we were going to put a statue up for a local fellow that had gone off and got famous.
And then he never came back so we could find out who he was.
And the trouble was he left us sort of hung up there. We'd already bought the cement, you know, and we had piled it up in the center of town.
It got blown around there in everybody's eyes. So we started casting him out then.
You know, he couldn't come back now if he wanted to.
People got so peeved at him there. And I think he went from a hero to a bum. It was just a machine too.
Well, we had the cement. We thought we'd better do something. We were going to use a local fellow. We wanted to get another hero.
We was short on them on home. We could have used the one from out of town, but we didn't want to do that. We'd have him coming in there on the bum.
So we were going to use this local fellow. He was a very heroic fellow. He was kind of a part-time hero. He had lots on the... I mean, he was actually pretty heroic.
The only trouble was that he weighed about 300 pounds. He was a very heavy set. And we didn't have that much cement.
So we didn't know what to do with the thing there. We had already...actually, we decided to look for another hero,
but this fellow is about the only one we had that could pass for a hero. And he had actually deserved it.
I mean, I think that...well, you'd probably say, why put that fellow up for a statue? Well, it's a good question.
And I'm kind of glad you asked, because I tell you what he did. He had a kind of a...well, actually, he was a very nice fellow as far as being a hero.
He had done two or three different things there. He was likeable, for one thing. I mean, he...and he was kind of eccentric too.
I mean, he was...well, he was drunk is what he was. But I tell you what happened was that he would drink,
and even though he would drink, he would get likeable with it. I mean, he is one of these fellows, the more he would drink, the more likeable he'd get.
And I never forget this one night, he was likeable, he couldn't even stand up. And I never forget it.
In fact, that was the night that he did this heroic deed I was about to mention. You see, we had a big fire that night.
It was over at the firehouse. I never forget that either. The firehouse had caught fire, and it was kind of a shame the fireman was giving this big party that night too.
It was always a swell party. It was a benefit. And the proceeds was to go for a very worthy cause. I remember that.
I think they were going to use the money to buy liquor for the next party.
And it was...oh, and also they were celebrating this new brass pole. He had just got a brass pole put up in the middle of the firehouse,
right there in the center where a fowler could...well, he'd be laying in bed up there, for example.
He could jump out of bed, grab that pole, and slide right down to the card table. And it's possible.
I don't know what happened, but while he was doing the celebrating, this fire got kind of out of hand there.
And this fellow made a hero out of himself. He rushed into that burning firehouse and rescued the liquor.
And two girls that they had pouring for them.
Well, that put him over. That put him over. And actually, he got all the credit, and the fireman didn't even get a thank you for their work.
It was a shame. And I actually think they deserved an awful lot of credit. If it hadn't been for them, I think the whole thing would have burnt down in about 20 minutes.
They kept it going, putting your own night there.
That made that fellow a hero. And you know, he was never the same after that. He started kind of getting swellheaded there, like, you know,
and he was drinking more and more, of course. And he had already drunk quite a bit, but now he was even buying some.
And what he did, he got himself, he quit his job, and he was, oh, I know the name, the sheep dip after him, you know, and everything.
I think that made him feel like he had gone to the top of the heap or something. I don't know.
He got swellheaded, and he raised a mustache, too. And actually, it looked, we got kind of worried, all of us that knew him.
We thought we was a little bit worried for fear he might turn out to be a bum. And his folks was worried, too.
So they got him into politics where he wouldn't be noticed.
You know, I tell you, you've never seen a more honest politician than that fellow. He just seemed to take to that like a duck to the water,
and on top of it, he was just as honest as could be, too. I mean, if he'd get bought off, he'd stay bought. He wasn't shiftier.
Well, he did a couple of things that don't sound like he did anything, but you know, he got in there, he got to be mayor,
and we'd had kind of a little trouble around town there. We had, well, we wanted a paved highway. We'd been after that for quite a while.
He built it, and it was a beautiful road. I mean, I got to say that in all credit to him. It ran the full length of his property, and I believe...
Actually, he did a couple of things. There was a... he did one other thing, too. He never got any tourists.
Like I was telling this bank kid, nobody ever stopped off there, and he fixed that. He reduced the speed limit to zero, and then he passed the law against backing up.
Speaking of backing up, I've kind of got myself here to where I've got to back off and kind of simmer down,
but I know that kind of gives you an idea of what it was like. Ain't that right?
Oh, darling, darling, you're simply divine and hilarious. I know the folks who are entertaining at the Capri Plaza in Boston feel the same way,
and now Meredith has one of his famous chiffon arrangements ready for us. The number Reflections in the Water. Meredith, darling, if you please.
Reflections in the water, just who and why, sweetheart?
Each kiss is just a ripple that circles round my heart. Reflections in the water when summer comes again.
Though willows were bent, and you will surrender. Love, go on forever, like moonlight on the stream.
Forever and forever. For where our hopes and dreams become crushed, a watch that the clouds shall spring across the sky.
Where our reflections in the water, be found.
Meredith, that was a usable chiffon, and quite divine, darling. And while I'm at it, Meredith, I do want to thank you so very much for that wonderful story you wrote about me in this month's TV Screen Magazine.
Oh, Tallulah.
Oh, yes, Fred.
As I sat here dozing through the second act of your modest little charade, I had a bad dream and it involved you. Would you care to hear about it?
Not particularly, no.
Well, as a matter of fact, I'm not particularly anxious to tell it, but if I don't, something tells me Phil Harris will come on the air five minutes earlier tonight.
I think the dream was brought on by something I heard earlier in the show this evening, because Judy and Joan were trying to get you married off. You know that part? I think that's what prompted the whole thing, because in my dream, you were married to Dennis King.
I'd rather die.
Promises, promises. All evening you've been promising.
Well, my dream was like one of those daytime radio serials. As the curtain went up, it was an actor's wedding. You were being married at the little Lowe's Delancey Theater around the corner.
You and Dennis were coming down the aisle. Now, there was no choir and your two bridesmaids, Fran Warren and Lisa Kirk, were singing the wedding march.
Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to hell square.
Do you, Dennis King, take this woman to be your awful wedded wife?
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Mr. King, what is it?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. I beg your pardon, Mr. King. Do you, Dennis King, star of Billy Budd, now playing at the Biltmore Theater on West 47th Street, matinees Wednesday and Saturday, take this woman to be your awful wedded wife?
To do or not to do, that is the question.
What is the answer?
To do.
And do you, Tallulah Brockman Bankhead?
Of course I do, naturally I do. Why do you think I got all dressed up in these wife slacks? I do, do you hear me? I do.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Would you mind making that wife and man?
I'll be a seeing you in all the old familiar places.
And so Dennis brought Tallulah to their little honeymoon cottage.
Well, here we are, my dear. After you, Tallulah.
Oh, Dennis, are we going to do the threshold scene?
Why, of course, of course. Here we go. Easy does it. That's it. Now you can put me down.
Hello.
Good heavens, who is this child?
Oh, this is my surprise for you, Tallulah. This is our little girl.
Our little girl?
Yes, I wanted to save you the bother, so I ordered her from room service. Come here, child, say hello to your mother and father.
Hello, daddy. Hello, mommy.
I'm your mommy. He's your daddy.
You're just trying to make me neurotic.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to make an announcement at this time.
Although Portland is their child, be it known to all creditors, I do not consider either Mr. King or Miss Bankhead my father-in-law or my mother-in-law.
Now back to the plot. We may have something going here bigger than just plain bill.
Hiya, dude.
And who are you?
I'm the governess for the little girl.
Oh, but we wanted a couple of governess and a chauffeur. Now, if you're the governess, what is your husband?
He's the governor, that's what.
All right, governess, you can put the child to bed now.
Okay, come on, kid.
I don't want her. I want to watch television.
Television, how dare you? Take her out and wash her mouth with soap and water.
Honest, I don't know where she picked up that dirty waste.
Well, as we look in on Dennis and Tallulah again, it is now 13 weeks later, and they have decided to pick up each other's options for another 13 weeks.
Dennis, darling, this is our very first anniversary. We're having guests for dinner. I've invited Joan Davis and her new husband.
Joan Davis? Oh, no, Tallulah.
Why? Why? Do you know her?
Well, not very well. I think I was married to her once.
Well, darling, who wasn't?
I want you to meet... Oh, that's you, dear. Hello, Joan.
Oh, Tallulah, how are you? I want you to meet my new husband, Herb Shriner.
How do you do, Mr. Shriner?
Hello.
I understand you just got back from your honeymoon, Joan.
Oh, yes, we just came back from Europe on the Normandy.
The Normandy? My dear, the Normandy was destroyed by fire at the pier here in New York several years ago.
Yeah? No wonder the toast was so burned.
How do you do? I'm the governess. You want the kid to sing her song now?
Oh, this is our little girl's governess, and she's taught the child a song. I want you to hear it. Oh, yes, bring her in now, Judy.
First, I gotta introduce her. Give the little kid a big hand.
Not in the mouth!
Not in the mouth?
Sing your song, kid. Sing the song I learned you this morning about the white wings.
At this point, I must interrupt to explain that I have the only banjo in town that can accompany this child's voice.
Now, when my banjo starts, ladies and gentlemen, do not let it fool you.
It's only a banjo, but it sounds like a symphony orchestra. Listen.
Banjo