6.30 p.m. BULLABY WATCH TIME
From the stage of the world famous Palladium Theatre,
just off Oxford Circus in the heart of London, England,
you are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business.
By the next hour and thirty minutes you will hear such bright stars as
Fred Allen, Jack Buchanan, Portland Harper, Michael Howard, Vivienne Lee, Beatrice Lilly, Vera Lin, Lawrence Olivier,
George Sanders, Rob Wilton, Meredith Wilson, and my name, darlings, is to the bankhead.
MUSIC
The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show.
MUSIC
Tonight, the National Broadcasting Company is happy to present the first Big Show program of the 1951-52 season.
Just twenty-five years ago, the National Broadcasting Company of America was formed.
As part of its silver anniversary celebration and its long association with the BBC,
the National Broadcasting Company has brought The Big Show across the seas as an expression of the unity that exists
not only between the BBC and NBC, but the friendship that exists between the people of both nations.
MUSIC
But now, ladies and gentlemen, paying a return visit to London after much too long an absence,
the star of The Big Show, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead.
MUSIC
Bless you, darlings.
Now let me see. What was I saying when I left London sixteen years ago?
Oh, of course, I remember, make man a double.
Oh, how divine to be in London again after all these years.
How exciting to return to the scene of my former triumphs.
Of course, they're all married now.
If they wanted to get married, why didn't they ask me?
Why did they have to go to strangers?
I still have many old friends here.
They've driven me all over Britain.
There's Straton on Avon, where Shakespeare is buried, Weston to Abbey, where the famous poets are buried.
And here I am this evening at the Palladium, where the American entertainers are buried.
Oh, darlings, I'm too young to die.
It's too soon for me to go.
We'll wait.
Ah, isn't he sweet.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. George Sanders.
George, darling, I can't begin to tell you how thrilled and pleased I was to hear
you had accepted our invitation to appear on The Big Show from London.
Indeed.
Oh, yes, I've been wanting to talk to you for some time, George, about a play I'd like to do here in London.
You and I, you know.
Oh, now I know what you're thinking, George.
You've been hearing that horrible gossip about me and my temperament.
And don't think I don't know who's been spreading it out there in Hollywood.
Where that film was made all about me.
And of all the nice things I've said about that hag,
well, when I get hold of her, I'll tear out every hair of her moustache.
And she was, my very dearest friend.
It's always your friend.
They're the worst of the lot, George.
Who was it who said, uh, defend me from my friends.
I can take care of my enemies myself.
Who was it who said that?
Not I.
So far I've only said indeed.
Well, darling, I want you to consider seriously doing a play with me.
We could be a tremendous hit here together.
I will show you, you know, from 1923 to 1933.
Five of the most glorious years of my life.
Oh, George, I'm certain you and I could go on for years to play in London, you and I.
Bankhead and Sanders.
Or if you insist, we'll be billed alphabetically.
Have you ever appeared in a play here in London, George?
Yes.
Oh, of course, darling, I remember, and you were a big success here.
Yes.
And then you went to Hollywood to make pictures.
Yes.
Well, why are you telling me all this?
I'm sorry, I do ramble on, don't I?
George, you're wasting your time in pictures.
The theater is a true art.
How can you compare Broadway or Piccadilly to Hollywood?
Why, whenever I'm in Hollywood, I turn down a dozen propositions.
Any of her pictures?
Pictures, indeed.
Ah, you belong to the theater, George.
Think of the tradition of the London theater and those great British actors.
David Garrick, Henry Irving, Danny Kaye.
You know, as a matter of fact, Hulure, I've been offered a part in a musical comedy on Broadway.
A musical?
George, you're a musical.
Frightening, isn't it?
Well, I mean, after all, George, aren't you a little too, well, how shall I say it?
Aren't you getting on in, well, that is, well, aren't you a little too,
what is the word I'm thinking of?
Obe.
Yes, that's right.
After all, there comes a time when a person's life,
and he must bow to the inevitable and accept it gracefully.
I've seen too many of my dearest friends who are simply just grating themselves
by refusing to face the facts.
As for myself, I have always prayed and hoped that I should be brave enough to go,
and brave enough to go, oh, gracefully and accept it graciously.
And did you?
Laughter.
And by the way, Hulure, there's a part in this musical that might interest you.
If you care, I might arrange an audition.
Audition, indeed. Nobody auditions Hulure.
Well, they would want to hear you read, and they can tell you how they want it.
Oh, then nobody tells Hulure.
But it's the only way they can tell if you have the feel for the part.
Darling, nobody feels...
Laughter.
...less interested in this audition than I.
I only auditioned once in my career, and it was a dark slip of the tongue.
What did you do?
I broke off my engagement.
Laughter.
My dear woman.
My dear woman, and I use the word in a broad sense.
Laughter.
We've been standing here for some minutes now having a delightful monologue, haven't you?
Laughter.
And I can't tell you how enchanting it's been appearing on this show with you.
I say this without reservation.
If I could have got a reservation back to the States, I wouldn't be standing here.
Laughter.
I was booked for the show once before, but I was taken critically ill, unfortunately.
And while standing here listening to you carry on, I experienced a fond hope that I would die.
Laughter.
What makes you think you haven't, darling?
Laughter.
Because this obviously is not heaven.
Laughter.
Applause.
And you're going to prove it, aren't you, Joy?
Because I see they have you down here for a song.
Ladies and gentlemen, a hidden talent of our distinguished guest, Mr. George Sanders,
singing, Someday My Heart Will Awake,
composed by Britain's revered and deeply loved, Ivan Novello.
Someday my heart will awake
Someday the morning will break
You will speak with open my eyes
Showing the skies
Hold and leave from now
Hold and maybe this candle will rain
Someday will echo again
Bringing my lovers to rest Making my heart cry
The leaves of summer fall and die I feel your grace along the stream
Not even trouble by a dream
Oh, that's amazing But while you're waiting I'm still proud
Someday my heart will awake Someday the morning will break
Music will open my eyes Showing the skies
Hold and leave from now
Maybe this gentle refrain Someday will echo again
Bringing my lovers to rest Making my heart cry
Music will open my eyes
Coming soon to brighten up the theatre on Broadway are two of England's most distinguished actors,
Sir Lawrence Olivier and his lady Vivian Leigh. Appearing at London's Historics and James Theatre in George Bernard Shaw's Caesar and Cleopatra,
they have graciously accepted our invitation to give America a preview of their London success.
Here then are Lawrence Olivier and Vivian Leigh on the big show in the scene from Shaw's sparkling satire Caesar and Cleopatra.
Julius Caesar has come to conquer Egypt. He stands in the desert before the inscrutable Sphinx. Unknown to him, the girl Cleopatra,
seeking her white cat, has also come and lies cradled between the paws of the monument.
Thinking himself quite alone, Caesar in a mood speaks to the Sphinx.
Hail, Sphinx! Salutation from Julius Caesar!
I have wandered in many lands seeking the lost regions from which my birth into this world exiled me,
and the company of creatures such as I myself.
I have found flocks and pastures, men and cities, but no other Caesar.
No heir native to me, no man kindred to me, none who could do my day's deed and think my night's thought.
In the little world yonder, Sphinx, my place is as high as yours in this great desert.
Only I wander and you sit still. I conquer and you endure.
I work and wonder, you watch and wait.
I look up and am dazzled, look down and am darkened, look round and am puzzled,
whilst your eyes never turn from looking out, out of the world to the lost region, the home from which we have strayed.
Sphinx, you and I, strangers to the race of men, are no strangers to one another.
Have I not been conscious of you and of this place since I was born?
Rome is a madman's dream. This is my reality.
These starry lamps of yours I have seen from afar in Gaul, in Britain, in Spain, in Thessaly,
signalling great secrets to some eternal sentinel below whose post I never could find.
And here at last is their sentinel, an image of the constant and immortal part of my life,
silent, full of thoughts, alone in the silver desert.
Sphinx, Sphinx, I have climbed mountains at night to hear in the distance the stoutest winds that chase your sands in play.
Our invisible children know Sphinx, laughing and whispering.
My way hither was the way of destiny, for I am he of whose genius you are the symbol,
part brute, part woman, and part god.
Nothing of man in me at all. Have I read your riddle, Sphinx?
Old gentleman!
Ah, immortal parts!
Old gentleman, don't run away!
Old gentleman, don't run away. This to Julius Caesar.
Old gentleman!
Sphinx, you presume on your centuries. I am younger than you, though your voice is but a girl's voice as yet.
Climb up here quickly, or the Romans will come and eat you.
A child at its breast, a divine child.
Come up quickly. You must get up at its side and creep round.
Who are you?
Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt.
Queen of the gypsies, you mean.
You must not be disrespectful to me, or the Sphinx will let the Romans eat you.
Come up. It's quite cozy here.
What a dream, what a magnificent dream.
Only let me not wake and I will conquer ten continents to pay for dreaming it out to the end.
Take care.
That's right.
Now, sit down. You may have the other paw.
It is very powerful and will protect us.
But it wouldn't take any notice of me or keep me company.
I'm glad you have come. I was very lonely.
Did you happen to see a white cat anywhere?
Have you lost one?
The sacred white cat, is it not dreadful?
I brought him here to sacrifice him to the Sphinx.
But when we got a little way from the city, a black cat called him and he jumped out of my arms and ran away to it.
Do you think the black cat can have been my great-great-great-grandmother?
Your great-great-great-well, why not? Nothing would surprise me on this night of nights.
I think it must have been.
My great-grandmother's great-grandmother was a black kitten of the sacred white cat.
And the River Nile made her his seventh wife.
That is why my hair is so wavy.
And I always want to be let to as I like, no matter whether it is the will of the gods or not.
That is because my blood is made with Nile water.
What are you doing here at this time of night? Do you live here?
Of course not. I am the Queen.
And I shall live in the palace of Alexandria when I have killed my brother who drove me out of it.
When I'm old enough, I shall do just what I like.
I shall be able to poison the slaves and see them wriggle.
And pretend to Fatata Tita that she's going to be put into the fiery furnace.
Meanwhile, why are you not at home and in bed?
Because the Romans are coming to eat us all.
You are not at home in bed either?
Yes, I am. I live in a tent and I'm now in that tent, fast asleep and dreaming.
You are a funny old gentleman. I like you.
That spoils the dream.
Why don't you dream that I am young?
I wish you were. Only I think I should be more afraid of you.
I like men, especially young men with strong round arms.
But I am afraid of them.
You are old and rather thin and stringy.
But you have a nice voice and I like to have someone to talk to.
Though I think you are a little mad.
It is the moon that makes you talk to yourself in that silly way.
What? You heard that, did you?
I was saying my prayers to the great sphinx.
But this isn't the great sphinx.
This is only a dear little kitten of the sphinx.
Why the great sphinx is so big it has a temple between its paws.
This is my pet sphinx.
Tell me, do you think the Romans have any sorcerers who could take us away from the sphinx by magic?
Why, are you afraid of the Romans?
They would eat us if they caught us.
They are barbarians.
Their chief is called Julius Caesar.
His father was a tiger and his mother a burning mountain.
And his nose is like an elephant's trunk.
They all have long noses and ivory tusks and little tails and seven arms with a hundred arrows in each.
And they live on human flesh.
Would you like me to show you a real Roman?
No, you are frightening me.
No matter, this is only a dream.
It is not a dream. See, see.
Stop, how dare you.
You said you were dreaming. I only wanted to show you.
Don't cry. The queen mustn't cry.
Am I awake?
Yes.
No, impossible. Madness, madness. Back to camp, to camp.
No, you shan't leave me. No, no, no, don't go.
I'm afraid, afraid of the Romans.
Appatra, can you see my face well?
Yes. It is so white in the moonlight.
Are you sure that it is the moonlight that makes me look whiter than an Egyptian?
You notice I have a rather long nose.
It is a Roman nose, Cleopatra.
Bite him in two, Sings, bite him in two.
I meant to sacrifice the white cat. I did indeed.
Bite him in two, Sings, bite him in two.
Cleopatra, shall I teach you a way to prevent Caesar from eating you?
Oh, do, do, do.
I will steal Patatiditas' jewels and give them to you.
I will make the River Nile water your land twice a year.
Peace, peace, my child. Your gods are afraid of the Romans.
See, your sphinx dare not bite me, nor prevent me carrying you off to Julius Caesar.
You won't, you won't. You said you wouldn't.
Caesar never eats women.
What?
But he eats girls and cats.
Now, you're a silly little girl, and you're descended from the black kitten.
You're both a girl and a cat.
Will he eat me?
Yes. Unless you make him believe that you are a woman.
Then you must get a sorcerer to make a woman of me.
Are you a sorcerer?
Perhaps, but it will take a long time.
And this very night you must stand face to face with Caesar in the palace of your father.
No, no, I dare not.
Whatever dread may be in your soul, however terrible Caesar may be to you,
you must confront him as a brave woman and a great queen.
And you must feel no fear.
If your hand shakes, if your voice quivers, then night and death.
But if he thinks you worthy to rule, he will set you on the throne by his side
and make you the real ruler of Egypt.
No, he will find me out, he will find me out.
He is easily deceived by women.
Their eyes dazzle him that he sees them not as they are,
but as he wishes them to appear to him.
Then we will cheat him.
I will put on Fatal's headdress and he will think me quite an old woman.
If you do that, he will eat you at one mouthful.
But I will give him a cake with my magic opal and seven hairs of the white cat bacon.
Ah, you're a little fool. He will eat your cake and you too.
Oh, please, please, I will do whatever you tell me.
I will be good. I will be your slave.
Hark!
What was that?
Caesar's voice.
Ah, let us run away. Come, oh come.
You are safe with me until you stand on your throne to receive Caesar.
Now lead me there.
I will, I will. Come, come, come.
The gods are angry. Do you feel the earth shaking?
It is the tread of Caesar's legion.
This way, quickly. And let us look for the white cat as we go.
It is he that has turned you into a Roman.
Oh, incorrigible. Oh, incorrigible.
Away.
Music
Our thanks to the aunt Livia and the lovely lady Livia Lee
for the memorable and most distinguished contribution to the big show.
Miss Banker.
Oh, yes, Meredith, what is it?
Come over here, pet.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time you met our maestro, Mr. Meredith Wilson.
Applause
I should tell our British audience that Meredith is not only a brilliant musician
and has written some of our most vying songs,
but he is also one of the most devastatingly dull conversationists I've ever met.
I can say this to his face because Meredith is an American
and doesn't understand a word of English.
Well, Meredith, I hope you've been enjoying your stay in London,
and don't make me sorry I asked you.
Well, sir, Miss Bankhead.
I knew I'd be sorry.
Well, what have you been doing since you got here, Meredith?
Oh, I've been doing a lot of shopping.
I've been buying stuff you can't get in America.
Oh, such as?
English money.
But I did go into a hat shop to buy a hat, and this clerk started to talk to me.
Darling, darling, darling, it's not clerk, it's Clark.
Oh, Clark.
Well, sir, I couldn't understand a word that Clark said.
I just stood there like a jerk.
Thank you.
My sweet, you're not a jerk, you're a jerk.
I mean, well, get on with your revocing little stories.
Yes.
Well, I got so confused in there that I walked down the street and stopped into the bar.
No, no, no, no, no, darling.
Over here, Meredith, the bar is a pub.
A pub?
Yes, Meredith.
Now, I'd love to stand here and listen to the rest of this nauseating story,
but if I do, we won't have time to hear any of your music.
Have you something there you could play for us, something short, about 32 bars?
Hold on, Miss Bankett, you can't get me on that one.
It's not bars in Britain.
I have a song I'd like to play.
It's just 32 pubs long.
Very well, stagger on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Meredith Wilson with the BBC Variety Concert Orchestra
and George Mitchell Glee Club in one of Meredith's typically exciting arrangements
in the still of the night.
As I gaze from my window
As the moon in its light
I thought of favoring you
In the still of the night
While the world is in the mood
For the times without number, darling
When I say to you
You, you love me
And I am you
And I will my life to live
My dreams come true
Oh, will this dream of mine
Be a part of time
Like the moon, oh indeed
On the rim of a hill
In the still
Of a home
In the still
Like the moon, oh indeed
On the rim of a hill
In the still
Of a home
In the still
Still of the night
Applause
We'll be back in a moment, darling, just as soon as I ring my chimes.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
The Crusade for Freedom is the American people's challenge to communism,
offering to each of us the opportunity to strike a blow for freedom
and to make a personal contribution toward our common goal,
the freedom of the world from communist oppression.
Join the Crusade for Freedom and help truth fight communism.
This is the Big Show, transcribed from London.
And here again is Tallulah Bankhead.
I've been meaning to tell you about a most charming experience I had the day I arrived at the London airport.
I had just landed and my plane was about to land behind me.
Nine days away I've been here before.
Anyway, a tall, handsome, distinguished looking gentleman approached and said to me,
I bet you never thought I'd be here waiting for you, Tallulah.
Oh darling, how wonderful to see you, how sweet you'll come.
If I'd had my choice of one man in all the world to meet me here, it would have been you.
I never expected to see you, dear, dear, Welford.
Applause
Tallulah, I am not Welford. The name is Jack Buchanan.
Applause
Oh, oh Jack Buchanan, darling, how wonderful to see you, how sweet of you to come.
If I'd had my choice of one man in all the world to meet me here, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Tallulah, I waited fifteen long years to see you step off that plane.
Oh, I'm sorry darling, we were held up at Channan's.
I'm sorry. Did you have a rough trip over?
Oh, not I. I'm an excellent traveler. I'm in very good shape.
Yes, that's the word round London.
I wrote you when I heard you were coming, but I suppose you've been so busy preparing for it.
Oh, I had no idea. Packing, getting my passport, sitting for my passport painting.
And of course you know, darling, all about those inoculations you have to take.
Oh yes, yes, we know. When we heard you were coming, all London was inoculated.
Applause
Isn't he contagious?
Do we have to stand here talking, Jack? Can't we go someplace else? I'm cold.
That's not the word round London.
Laughter
Fifteen years? Has it really been fifteen years?
That's right, Tallulah. And you can imagine what I was thinking when the plane landed
and the door opened and out stepped a vision of feminine loveliness.
But I waited for you.
Laughter
Oh Wilfred.
No, no, no, it was Linda Darnell.
Laughter
Fifteen years.
That's right, fifteen years ago, last July 3rd.
No, no darling, it was July 5th.
No, no, no dear, the 3rd of July. The date is indelibly inscribed in my memory.
No Jack, I was supposed to say on the 3rd of July, but I decided to say over until the next day, the 5th of July.
But the next day will be the 4th of July.
Darling, in Britain there is no 4th of July.
Laughter
Tallulah, I never wrote you this, but I stood here for hours watching your boat disappear over the horizon.
Little realizing then that someday, man would build huge birds of steel to conquer the skies and bring you back to these shores.
All I knew that day was that I was desperate to see you sail away over the vastness of the fathomless and mysterious sea.
You're making it sound as if I sailed on the Nina, the Peter, and the Sani Maria.
Laughter
Hey Jack, what's been happening in London since I went away?
What's been happening in the last 15 years?
Oh, nothing really, no, is that a thing?
Laughter
It's been rather quiet, you know.
Laughter
But when I was here it wasn't quiet. I can still hear those champagne corks popping all over town.
Yeah, I come to think of it, there were things popping around here in the last 15 years.
Laughter
Oh, what times we had.
Yeah, remember those days?
I was thinking of the night zone.
Laughter
Tell Lula, what night? What night? Do you remember the best?
SLR and Olivier, the secret hard way, so round to the truth.
Laughter
Tell Lula, do you remember our last night together?
The night I got tickets to the theater and they moved into your place.
There was something, something I wanted to ask you that night.
But either you wouldn't listen or I just didn't have the courage.
I thought of it as I saw you off in the boat.
And for 15 years I've been waiting to ask you.
Oh Jack, how sweet. Oh, what is it darling?
I say for the tickets that night you still owe me 7 pounds 4 shillings.
Laughter
Comes now one of the most thrilling voices in all Britain.
He was no stranger to our boys who were overseas during the war when he was known as the sweetheart of the 40s.
So Ethel Merman, Diana Shaw, Georgia Gibbs and all the rest of you, watch out.
Well here is Miss Lula Lane.
Applause
Oh Vera darling, come here. I heard you rehearsing several songs this morning.
What did you finally decide to sing?
I Am Loved.
You and me both darling.
Laughter
By Cole Porter.
And just you darling.
Laughter
Oh and I want you to know my dear, I make quite a concession allowing you to sing on our show because I usually take care of the singing here.
Oh really? I didn't know you sang to Lula.
Oh I must sing it out of my record. You'll adore it.
I sing I'll be singing with all the old familiar places.
At the part of my embrace there's always good.
You see darling.
Applause
Oh but I don't think we're a competition to Lula. You see I'm a girl singer.
Laughter
Isn't he sweet.
Bravo, bravo viriline, bravo. What a hit that gal would be in America.
Applause
Now darlings I want you all to meet one of the kindliest and dearest men in show business. A great performer and a wonderful person. Unselfish, unspoiled.
And unemployed.
Laughter
One of America's most popular comedians.
Oh yes so popular I had to come 3,000 miles to get one night's work.
Laughter
He hadn't played in a London theater in 20 years.
By popular demand.
Yes, yes. Mr. Pat Alex.
Applause
You know there was one item in that rather soggy introduction that I think should be corrected. Now just for the record of course other papers please copy.
So what item is that Pat?
Well my not having been in London in 20 years. You know a few years ago I made a movie here for one of the English motion picture producers.
A rank?
It sure was.
Laughter
And so having confounded the audience with this rare display of brilliant wit by appointment. Good night to Lula and thank you for the fee.
Oh yes.
No, no, no, no, you're not getting away with just one line. You're getting a lot of money to be on this program.
A lot of money?
Ten pounds. Twelve thousand pounds of course.
Well how much is that when you thaw it out? A small puddle is it?
Now Fred you come back here. You sound rather full on. You, Miss America.
No, me Fred Allen.
Laughter
However you can think of me as Miss America if you like.
How does Portland like it here Fred?
Well I tell you Portland has been...
I like it. I like London fine Miss Bankhead.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Fred Allen known professionally as Fawson Hopper.
Applause
You having a good time in London darling?
Yes, except the money confuses me.
The money? Well it's quite simple darling. You see first there's the pound sterling, then there's the shilling and there's twenty shillings to the pound. That's all there is to it.
Oh that's easy. Twenty shillings make one pound. Now I can go shopping for some clothes.
Well you look quite well in that gown you're wearing Portland. I've never seen you look so well. Have you put on a little weight?
Oh no. I weigh the same. Two thousand two hundred and twenty shillings.
Laughter
Well that's right Portland. That joke was written for a New York audience and we'll hang around till they get over here to laugh at it.
Laughter
You know there's a little difference in time involved.
It's not just the difference in time between radio in New York and radio here Fred. Have you ever thought of doing a radio show here in London darling?
Do you think Britain would make an even exchange? Fred Allen for Vera Lynn.
Laughter
Well I don't know about that Fred.
I'll throw in a dozen pairs of nylon.
Laughter
Fred, you sound quite anxious to work over here.
Well things being what they are Tilo, I am quite anxious to work anywhere.
Laughter
You know I've been all through the old medium radio and the current medium television and now like many another American act, I'm ready for the new medium, England.
Laughter
It's strictly a business deal. England gives Vera Lynn to America and America gives England the business.
Laughter
I don't know much about this Fred, but I have a friend here in England who is quite an important thing in the entertainment world.
Oh really?
Oh Jack Cannon. Fred is interested in carving out a career for himself here in England. Now I thought you might be able to advise him on the kind of comedy he should do here.
Well Fred, I've had an idea for a radio show for some years. I'm sure it will be popular with British public really.
It's typical English humor and I'll be glad to give it to you.
Well that's wonderful Jack.
Now my idea is centered around a typical British neighborhood. I call it Buchanan's Muse.
Muse? Yes.
What's a muse? We don't have muse in America.
Laughter
Well Fred, no muse is good muse.
Laughter
Is that a...
Laughter
Jack, confidentially is that a domestic joke or is it for export only?
Laughter
I'm really sorry old boy. I'm afraid I lost my head.
Well say there is as good a cue for a Tower of London joke as I have ever heard.
Laughter
Getting back to muse Jack, I don't think you quite cleared that up.
Well now a muse in America might be called an alley.
Oh?
If I did this idea in America, I'd call it Buchanan's Alley.
Oh?
If you did it, Allen's Alley.
Allen's Alley, I see.
Laughter
And this is the idea that you have been personally nourishing for years.
Laughter
Oh Fred, it's really a great idea. You'll make a million dollars out of it.
Well say I know a girl in Paris who made two million dollars out of an alley.
Remember Rita's alley?
Laughter
Applause
Now let me show you how it works Fred.
You simply walk along the muse and knock at people's doors like this.
Come along I'll show you.
Knock
Hello Jack, glad to see you.
Well as I live and try not to breathe as I wind my way through the dustbins if it isn't Michael Howard.
Applause
Michael, Michael this is Fred Allen.
Oh that's too bad.
Well I had to come three thousand miles to get insulted and in an alley.
Michael, Michael, Mr. Allen's from New York.
Oh New York, second greatest city in the British Empire.
Laughter
Now wait a minute, wait a minute Michael, wasn't there a slight fracas a little while ago?
Didn't we settle that?
We was robbed, all we needed was eight more seconds.
Laughter
You see Michael is one of Britain's favorite radio comedians.
Oh really?
Well actually I'm Britain's radio favorite number eight hundred and forty two.
And believe me it's a great thrill and honor for me, an English comedian, to stand here on the stage of the London Palladium.
Laughter
Now not that I want you to get the idea that we English comedians are at all jealous of Americans coming over here,
trying to find out who's pinched their jokes and getting paid for it at the same time.
Laughter
Michael what do they do when they get here most of them?
Well they walk on the stage, they get hold of the microphone, they look at the audience with a dreamy expression in their eyes and they say,
Gee.
And for that they probably get two hundred dollars or in English money about three hundred thousand pounds.
Laughter
Gee they say.
When I was fourteen months I could say, Gee Gee and what did I get? A toffee apple.
Laughter
And you try getting a toffee apple today without a timber license and see what he lets you do.
Laughter
That's an English joke.
Laughter
So one of the chief differences between the Americans and the English is their salaries.
That and the fact that the Americans always eat their pork in the right hand.
And if they don't ever want to see you again they always say I'll be right back.
Laughter
I like that I've had time. However, going back to money, I wish we could get here.
There isn't really much difference between our two countries. After all President Truman has a daughter who sings.
Winston Churchill has a daughter who acts.
The father's just ad lib of course.
Laughter
In America you have New York. In England we once had London.
Laughter
That was during the war of course when we were a free country.
Laughter
In America you have Pittsburgh. Over here we have Manchester.
Laughter
Frankly there's nothing I'd always couldn't do about it.
Laughter
In New York you have the Bronx. And we have, well we haven't actually got anything quite like that.
Laughter
The last time I was in New York I had a wonderful time.
Of course the restaurants are a bit different in New York. They sell food there.
Laughter
And the size, the size of these places. On my first night in New York I went to a place called Billy Rose's Diamond Horseshoe.
I hadn't reserved a table so the waiter put me right at the back.
I didn't have a really good view of the floor show because I was so far back.
In fact I was so far back that sitting next to me was Stalin.
Laughter
Was his face red.
Laughter
Applause
Well Greg, what do you think darling? Do you want to try this idea in England?
Well, I won't have to. You know while listening to these two gentlemen I copied down enough new material to be a big hit in America.
I'm all set.
Music
We'll be back in a moment darlings with B. Lilly and the rest of our stars just as soon as I ring my chime.
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
Music
Be at this station when the stars come in. Meet Groucho Marx and Ronald Coleman this Wednesday.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis on Friday and Duffy's Tavern Saturday.
Tomorrow night Thibaut McGee and Molly and Bob Hope and guest golfer Bing Crosby.
They'll all be right here.
The big show. This portion of the Sunday night feature of NBC's All Star Festival is brought to you transcribed by Aniston.
For fast relief from pain of headache, uranus and neuralgia.
And by Chesterfield, the cigarette that gives you something new.
Something no other cigarette has. Chesterfield mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste.
And here again is the star of our show, Tallulah Bankhead.
And now ladies and gentlemen, it is with a great deal of pleasure that I want to bring to you now a very old, old friend of mine, Miss B. Lilly.
Applause
Well, that was the nastiest reading of old I've ever heard.
Oh darling, you know I didn't read it that way.
Which way is that?
Well, the way you think I meant it.
Which way do you think I thought you meant it?
B, you're being a bore. I simply said you're an old friend. I'd be the last one to have it mean anything else.
You should be.
And what do you mean by that?
Oh nothing that you think I thought I think.
We try to tell a swear to all.
To all we forever be to young.
B, Miss Lilly.
What?
You.
Oh B, put yourself together.
Yes, Miss Bankroll.
B, every time we meet we start bickering. Now why do we do that when there are so many other people we can talk about?
I mean other things we can talk about.
Well, London for instance. Remember those long-gone-out bridge games you used to have?
What games? Do they still play bridge or is it can't ask her now? What is the new fad among the girls?
Well, it's same as always.
Men.
What games?
As a matter of fact B, the last time I saw you here you came down to the boat to see me off with the handsome young lieutenant.
Lieutenant? Is he still around?
Here? Oh that was years ago. Just at the start of the war.
Oh darling, darling, it was long before the war.
Well I haven't seen him in ages. Oh he was such a bore.
Oh that was.
Oh I'm sorry darling. I just couldn't resist it. Please forgive me B.
Why do you get me these arguments after all I see you so seldom. Only when I can bully them into putting you on the show.
Oh just a minute Miss Blankhead. I just got that. What do you mean that war?
Why are you still working on that one darling? Now look B, what I'm trying to say, we've been friends too long to be standing here bickering.
I'm always so happy to see you.
Well I'm glad to see you too Tallulah.
Thank you Petsy.
It's a surprise to see you still standing.
I'm always glad.
Well I see it's a waste of time talking to you.
Oh Miss Blankhead.
Portland Hoffa darling come here will you. I'm dying to talk to somebody sensible. How are you Portland?
Oh I'm just.
Are you having a good time in England?
Well I've always.
Oh good I'm so glad to hear it. Oh Portland this is Mrs Lily, Lady Peel you know. And this is Portland Hoffa and Mrs Fred Allen.
Oh called it isn't it.
Lady Peel you must be the Gypsy Rosalie of England.
Very very well said Portland.
They try to tell me I'm too bad.
I saw you on television in America Miss Lily. You were wonderful.
Oh television that's my medium. I adore it. Does anybody do any offers for television Blulah?
Tell me Portland how is Fred enjoying London?
Well Fred has to be careful of what he eats. He has a special diet.
Television your medium indeed. I saw you on television indeed. And I love the close ups. Your face looks like four yards of corduroy.
Fred can't eat anything with salt in it.
Oh corduroy really. They told me I look more like dotted swiss.
What they said.
And the doctor said he could eat cheese. But he can't have milk or butter.
I know the reason you won't go on television Blulah.
Well I don't know what your reason is but my reason is that I don't care to be bothered with the new medium and all those new wrinkles.
That's the reason I meant.
And he can eat prunes and any kind of food with no salt in it. You have to have a certain feel for television. I feel it. I feel alive in it. I feel new excitement.
Lady feel.
Fred feels alright if he stays away from salt.
Oh shut up.
Who cares about how salty Fred is?
And as for you B, if you ever come on my radio show and talk about television again, you'll be appearing in a new medium X-rays.
Thank you Lulu Tabergenhead.
I apologize.
I know, I know. You're going to sing I apologize. Ladies and gentlemen, for three minutes Miss Beatrice Lilly will sing I apologize. After which the entertainment will resume.
I'm sorry, so sorry. That's all I can say. Never knew how much you meant to me. Till I went away.
It's my fault. All my fault. I know I'm to blame. I'd give anything if I could be back with you again.
If I told a lie. If I made you cry. When you said goodbye. I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart.
I apologize. I apologize. I know I'm to blame. I must have been insane. Believe me. From the bottom of my heart.
I apologize. I've been unfair to you. Please, please let me make amends.
Don't say that you forgot the love we knew. After all, we were more than friends.
I've had my day too. Now I'm asking you. Believe me. From the bottom of my heart dear. I apologize.
I've been unfair to you. Please let me make amends. Don't say that you forgot the love we knew.
After all, we were more than friends.
I apologize. I am not accused. If it'll be me. From the bottom of my heart dear. I apologize.
Thank you, B. Lily. And better luck next time.
Oh, Mr. Allen. I beg your pardon.
Yes, Mr. Sanders. What is it?
You know, this is my first appearance on this show.
Yes.
Now, is it true that there's a clause in my contract that after this performance I must go out with the star of the show?
Oh, yes. Yes, Mr. Sanders. If you will strike a match and hold it in directly in back of clause four, you will notice that it lights up.
And it says, quote, your engagement on this show is not considered complete unless and until the star has been properly wined and dined to her utter satisfaction.
Any commitment above and beyond this is made at your own risk. Dress optional.
The American dollar is not worth that much.
Oh, well, she pays for everything, Mr. Sanders.
Does she have a lot of money?
Oh, she is loaded.
Yes, but does she have a lot of money?
Oh, Tallulah.
Yes, Beatrice.
I'm not too fond of this arrangement after the show. Why do you get George Sanders and I get Fred Allen?
Well, would you prefer it the other way? You go out with Fred Allen and I go out with George Sanders?
No, no. Yes, no, yes. Oh, just a moment, Tallulah. The votes are still coming in. Yes, no, yes.
Oh, please.
You'll adore Fred. Oh, wishy. He said the funniest thing. We'll have you holding aside.
I had plans on having a man do this.
See, I adore Fred, you understand, but I just can't get you to seal those bags under his eyes.
How could you?
You won't notice the bags at all.