Welcome to The Big Show!
Hi everybody, this is Jimmy Wallington welcoming you to The Big Show.
A star-studded extravaganza sent your way with the best wishes of each and every top name on the show.
And here is your hostess for the next half hour, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead!
You know, there are weeks when we have the most handsome divinemen on the show.
And then again, there's this week.
But we're always delighted to have with us a young comedian who really knows his job.
When you give him a script, he gets the meat out of every line.
He's always on the ball.
What I'm trying to say is, he's a real meatball, Jack Cotton.
Could I answer her if I was clever?
If I was clever, I wouldn't be on this show.
My, he's a big one, isn't he? How tall are you, Jack?
Six feet three and my stocking feed.
Oh, what are you without your stockings?
Barefoot.
No, how tall are you really, Jack?
Well now, Tallulah, maybe this will explain it.
Lana Turner only comes up to my shoulder.
Ginger Rogers can only come up to my chin.
How about me, darling?
You can come up to my house.
I'd rather die.
Just do it.
I don't know of a better way.
Jack, were you always this tall?
No, no, no. Not when I was born.
Matter of fact, I was only a medium-sized child.
When I was fifteen years old, I grew an extra foot.
Well, that must have been pretty rough on your parents, buying free shoes at a time.
Matter of fact, my parents were quite wealthy.
Why, when I went to college, I didn't even go out for basketball.
I didn't need the money.
Now change the subject, Jack.
But you sing, you dance, I'm surprised you've never been in a play on Broadway.
You'd be just right for a musical.
Musical? Not me. I've had plenty of offers.
You know, some years ago, a couple of guys came to me about doing a musical.
Silly idea for a show I ever heard of.
The first place away was a cowboy story.
Took place down in Texas or Wyoming or Oklahoma, I don't know.
They didn't even have a chorus of girls to open up the show with.
They wanted me to open the show and come out on the stage by myself with this cowboy outfit
and sing something about, uh, oh, what a beautiful morning.
Oh, what a beautiful day.
No stage, no stage, no chorus or anything. Isn't that rich?
Yes, they are.
That musical ran seven years.
Seven years?
Oh, what a beautiful morning.
But darling, darling, think of it another way.
With you in it, it wouldn't have run at all.
Oh, well thank you for the life. That makes me feel much better.
That's it. Now take it easy.
May I borrow your hanky?
Well, of course, darling. Here you are there now. Blow.
Thank you, Tallulah. Goodbye.
Now come back here. Why don't you put yourself together and sing us a medley of some of the hit songs
from some of the hit shows you've turned down.
I know you're making fun of me.
But honestly, Tallulah, how can you tell if a song is going to be a hit or not?
Especially when you examine the lyrics they write.
Take an old standard song like, well, like Pegamai Heart. Listen to this.
Pegamai Heart
I love you
Don't let us part
I love you
I always knew
It would be you
Since I heard your building laughter
It's your Irish heart I'm after
Pegamai Heart
Your glances make my heart say
House chances come be my own
Come make your home in my heart
Applause
Well, Jack, that was very pleasant.
Yeah, I know. I sing like a doll, but...
Did you get a load of those lyrics? Listen to this.
Pegamai Heart, come make your home in my heart.
I know there's a housing shortage, but isn't that carrying things a little too far?
Well, let's see if it is. Now, I'm Peg and I've just come to town from Alabama.
I need a room. And I look in the classified section of the medical journals.
I find your advertisement and I come knocking at your heart.
Heart beating
Yes, miss, what can I do for you?
Well, I saw your ad in the paper. Is your heart still for rent?
What's your name?
Peg.
Oh, sure. Here, come on in.
Well, I want to look around first and see if I like it. How many rooms are there?
Four. Left oracle, right oracle, left ventricle, right oracle.
Well, it's kind of a large apartment for me.
Well, it's a six foot three story building.
Well, all I really need is two oracles and a valve.
There's a valve right down the coronary.
But no, all I need is the two oracles. I have no use for the ventricles.
Well, I need them. If it wasn't for them, the building would fall down.
Well, is it centrally located?
Right on the main artery.
And there's a wonderful view of the East liver.
But it seems rather stuffy in here. Don't you have cross ventriculation?
Well, it's airy enough. You just follow the rules. No drinking.
I never touch it, sir.
I don't care if you touch it. Just don't drink it.
It gives me a heartburn.
Well, I hope it's quiet in here.
Oh, sure, sure. It's a very quiet neighborhood. There's only a couple of kiddies that live back there.
They just float around.
Well, is this the only apartment you have? I mean, how about that penthouse up in your head?
That's empty, isn't it?
Yes, but I don't want a tenant like you in my hair. Goodbye.
And now, darlings, I want you to meet two tenants who moved into my heart a long time ago.
James Mason, the distinguished actor of the British cinema and more recently Hollywood, and his talented wife, Pamela.
Seldom does a short story outlive the span of the magazine issue in which it is printed.
But occasionally one comes along that has the power and force which make it timeless.
We have such a story tonight. So, without further ado,
Mr. and Mrs. James Mason will bring us the Samuel Blass classic, Revenge.
It's done. I killed as any man would have killed. I run as any man would run.
Beside me, Elsa stares straight ahead at the highway. Her lips are blue and swollen, her face battered.
Her expression is grave, almost serene, almost dead.
How long ago was this morning? How many miles back to the glade where the breakfast she had cooked in the trailer
had mingled its rich smells with the even richer smells of autumn?
Look out there, dear. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
Only you.
You still think so?
I've never thought anything else since the first day you entered my literature class eight years ago.
Oh, you looked so stern, so forbidding, so unapproachable. I thought you'd have a foul temper.
Aye. Were you disappointed?
No. I'm glad we had that tar puncture last night.
That's a strange thing to be glad about.
Only because it stranded us out here like this, away from the trailer camps, away from everybody and everything.
In two more days we'll be home again and you'll have your classes and I'll have the children again.
I'm very grateful for these few hours, just the two of us.
And I'm very grateful for you, Elsa. There'll be other days like this for us, other years, other vacations.
Now, if you don't go and get that puncture repaired, is there a town nearby?
A place named Campbellton on the map. I think it should be about twelve miles.
Good. By the time you get back, I'll have the dishes done and everything in order.
You're not going to ride in with me?
I'll wait around a messy service station. I have work to do, my good man, and it's such a beautiful spot.
But you'll be here alone.
I've been alone before, silly. What could possibly happen to me?
What could possibly happen? It seemed that nothing could then.
An hour out of the space of a lifetime, an hour to repair a tire. Only an hour.
But when I drove back from the town, she wasn't outside the trailer waiting for me.
And I knew with a terrible certainty that she'd be there unless something was wrong.
Elsa? Elsa, I'm back! Elsa! Elsa! Can't you hear me? Elsa! You hiding in here? Where?
Elsa.
She was there.
Huddled on the floor in the corner. She was crying without a sound, the tears mingling with the blood on her bruised and beaten face.
She stared at me, dully, like a beaten animal. And then she started to wimp.
He killed me.
He killed me. What happened? Good heavens, Elsa. What happened to you? Don't touch me. Don't hurt me. Elsa, it's me. Me, Philip. What happened?
Philip. He killed me, Philip. While you were gone, he killed me. Oh, Elsa.
Who did it, Elsa? Who did it? Salesman. Said he was a salesman. Elsa, get up. Let me carry you to the car. To a doctor. No. No. No doctor. He's called police. Newspaper. The children.
Where is the man?
Who was he? Salesman. Are you sure? Did he carry a sample case? A display? Yes. Case. He was passing on his way to town. He saw the trailer. I told him we didn't need anything.
Then he hit me, Philip. He wouldn't stop. He killed me.
I washed her face the way I'd washed the face of a child. She stared at me blankly as though all feeling had stopped. As though the world had stopped for both of us.
I changed the trailer tire and she stood there watching me with those same leaden eyes. When I finished, I took the thick, heavy jack handle and slipped it under the waistband of my trousers.
I knew what I was going to do. What I had to do.
We'll drive slowly through the town. Do you understand that? Yes.
We'll go up and down every street. Every street. Every alley. Every road. You'll see him. Keep watching and you'll see him.
He'll hurt me, Philip. He'll never hurt anybody again. Just watch. Watch.
Faces passed and merged into a red haze. I wanted to scream like an animal. Consumed with hatred from a man I'd never seen. A man I was only going to see once. Endless hours and endless streets went by. And then...
A man? Where? Bad man? You're sure? Bad man.
He carried a sample case and he moved into the lobby of a cheap hotel. I followed him into the elevator. I saw the room number on the tag of the key in his hand.
He looked at me once and I smiled at him. When he got off I rode up one more floor and walked down. I found the number of his room.
Yeah? May I come in? Sure. You a local merchant? No. I see you're a salesman. That's right. What's your line?
I'm an instructor. A father. A husband. Hey. What's the matter with you, fella? What are you going to do with that thing?
I'm going to kill you. Kill you. Kill you. Kill you.
Elsa knows. But she sits in the car staring straight ahead. The motor hums in a vast silence. Square yellow signs blaze out of the darkness.
Danger. Sharp curve ahead. The revenge is behind now. Hours behind. Two hundred miles behind. A dead face. Blood on a cheap rug.
A moment for death. A lifetime from a remembrance. Clocks can't be turned back. Nothing can be stopped or undone. A red sign glares out of the night like anger.
Like a flame. Gasoline. Why are we stopping, Philip? Gasoline, dear. Oh, gasoline.
The attendant is inside making change for a customer. The man comes out stuffing a receipt into his briefcase. No. No. Batman, Philip. What? Batman with a briefcase.
Elsa. He's the one, Philip. He did it. Batman. Elsa. My God. What have I done? Oh, my God.
We can't go any further now without introducing a man we have on our show who is indispensable to any show he's on. Am I right? Right.
You can't have a show without the ready. You've got to have the fabulous James. You can hear him high above the saxes and brass. That's the only way to give the brasses a clap.
That's the way to give them what it feels to them. You've got to give Jimmy a go. Oh, Mr. You Ain't Got No Sto.
You're so right. And we are not going to do without Durante any longer. For here he is singing in my strut away, the one and only Jimmy Durante.
I just got back from Washington today. And really, folks, I've got a lot to say. Now while I was there, I met the adjutant general and what he told me put me in a daze.
For days and days and days and days and days and days for a week. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a guy going on business for himself.
The adjutant general says, Jimmy, you've been invited to entertain at the White House. He said it'll be a gala of the intelligentsia, the Heupeloid, the 400, the 500, the 600, the 700, the 800.
Everywhere you go critics.
Then he said, Jimmy, what do you do when you're called upon to entertain? I said, Mr. Adjutant General, what'll I do? I'll tell you. Why in the midst of festivities I'll get up, I'll get up and do my strut away.
In my strut away, it's just a hop away, a slide away and a scram away. And then you skitter right down and you go to town with a twist away. Right when you strut away, this way it's a holiday. You know, I was dancing a strut away with a girl named Suzette when she accidentally backed into a hot radiator.
Zip, wrap, Suzette. It's that dance that's gonna game-break me now. You know, I know a beautiful girl invited me up to her apartment to teach her this dance. I was in the apartment 10 minutes when who walks in? Her husband. Kind of perturbed.
He said, what are you doing here? I said, I'm putting on my white tie. I'm putting on my top hat. I'm putting on my white tie. You're doing the strut away. Doing the strut away.
Say did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to do the strut away, slide a hop away, the scram away. And then you skitter right down and you go to town doing the strut away, the hop away, the scram away. Once more.
You know folks, I'm happy to tell you that I just bought a brand new convertible coupe. Boy, what a car and what an invention it's got. You push a button, the top stays where it is, but the bottom falls out.
So what did I do? I did the crawl away, not the strut away. Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to do the strut away, the hop away, the scram away. Once more.
Now, now Jimmy. Now I ain't in the mood. Come on Jimmy, what's the matter? Every time I come on this show you always got some high class actor playing those dramatic parts.
Like James Mason. What about me? I'm as good as them English actors. To mention a few, Robert Donuts, Charles Laften, Betty Grable. Jimmy, Betty Grable's not English.
I know, but sometimes when you mention a product on radio, they send you a sample.
Really? Well, well I didn't know that. Ft. Knox. He is too. I didn't know you were a dramatic actor, Jimmy. Why I've played in everything Shakespeare ever wrote.
Come now Jimmy, not everything. Unless he's written something lately. Oh, I'd love to do a scene from Shakespeare with you, Jimmy. How about one of those warm, tender love scenes? Just you and I, darling.
Okay. Come closer, closer, that's it. Go on Jimmy, look at me. Look at me darling and then you say. Is this a Dagmar which I see before me?
How's that? Jalouse. Very good, Jimmy, but I don't seem to recognize the line in Shakespeare. You don't recognize that famous scene from Mack Truck? That's the famous Sylkwil. That's the famous Sykwil.
Get me a doctor. I thought this was one show I could go right through with all the spit. Get me a doctor, I just split my parcival. Jimmy, I didn't know that you were so well versed in the classics.
When they wanted somebody to play Cyrano the Beurger act, did they ask me? No, they get some guy named Josephine Ferrer. He's a phony, him and his nose. He wears a falsie.
I know, I know just how you feel, Jimmy, about somebody playing a part that you know you're best suited for. Well, I was talking to Mrs. Mason about the same thing.
Toulouse, if you and I teamed up and went to England, we'd have them rolling in the British Isles. We'd be the greatest stars they ever saw. Who knows, the King might even knight us.
Well, well, Sir James Durante. Well, well, Sir Toulouse Bankett.
Well, I'll tell you what, Jimmy, let you and I play that scene the Mason just played, that story called Revenge. But oh, we'll need an extra player to play the salesman. Oh, I know, maybe Jack Carson might apply. Jack, darling.
Yes, Toulouse? Would you care to take a part in the play that we're going to do, the play the part of... I'll do it.
Well, wait a minute. Let me tell you what the part is. Doesn't matter. I'll take it. I'm not turning down anything anymore. Sly will be a hit.
All right, now, Jimmy, we're all set for Revenge. We're going to do the sequel. Our Venge, Son of Revenge.
Meditate. Some music, if you please.
It's done. I killed as any man would have killed with my embroidery scissors.
It happened like this. We were riding along in a trailer. I was at the wheel. My wife was driving.
It was dark out, but I could tell where we were going by following the black line in the middle of the white highway.
It was a white highway for night driving. Suddenly there was a sound of a flat tire.
Why don't you watch where you're driving, stupid?
It was my flat tire speaking. I pulled over to the side of the road and jacked her up.
Put me down, you fool. You'll have to go to town and get another car. What's the nearest town?
Chelfer. I'll start now. Will you be all right here alone?
Well, I hope so. Of course, if a burglar breaks in, it'll be quite a shock.
Will you get over it?
I'm off to Chelfer. How are you going to get there? I'll walk. It's only 400 miles.
Well, give me the sign.
Believe me, I didn't lose my place. What could possibly happen? I was only gone four weeks.
Nothing could happen to her. She can lick any man her way. What a bitch on that gap.
Four short weeks of fart-nit. Wait a minute. I was only gone half that time. A toot-nit.
When I got back, everything was quiet. I called to her. Mabel. Mabel? No answer.
Of course not. That's not her name.
Geraldine. Selma. Jessica. Sam. Just in case a man answers.
Yet I remembered her name. It was Elsie. Elsie. Elsie!
There she was, lying on the floor, the tears streaming down her bruised and beaten face.
Her lips blue and swollen, her eyes red and glazed. Gap! She looks awful in the morning without makeup.
I spoke to her. Elsie, speak to me. Who done it? Tell me who done it. Speak to me, Elsie.
She killed me. Phillip, she killed me. That ain't Elsie, that's the salesman.
She gave me such a smash. She just utterly killed me. Why? Why did she do it? I do not know.
I simply do not know. I rang the bell and she opened the door. And all I said was,
I beg your pardon, is your wife home, sir? She killed me. She just utterly killed me.
Would you recognize her, if you saw her? I do not know. I simply do not know.
Listen, we're going to drive to Tulsa and find her. We're going to drive down every street, every alley, every road in Tulsa.
You'll see her. We'll find her if we have to go to every town in Oklahoma. Oklahoma? Oh, no. Oh, what a beautiful morning.
Good night, darlings, and Godspeed to our armed forces all over the world who hear these broadcasts each week.
The big show with Kalula Bankhead and an all-star cast comes to you each week at this same time,
and you are cordially invited to write the members of the cast.
This is the United States Armed Forces Radio, Los Angeles, USA. This is Jimmy Wallington speaking.
And this is the United States Armed Forces Radio sermon.
The United States Armed Forces Radio.