2
(To be used only on The Foolish Almanack 2nd
GOOD TILL"DOOMSDAY
With the Compliments of the Se
VT
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC UP-TO-DATE
...THE...
FOOLISH ALMANAK
For Anuthur Year
THE FURST CINC THE INTRODUKSHTJN OV THE
MUK-RAKE IN MAGAZEEN GARDNING, AND
THE SPELING REFORM OV OWR LANGWIJ
BY THEODOR ROSYFELT
THAIR hav bin uthur Yearz but non like this. Thingz wil Hapn.
3 1 3 Dayz wil kum and 3 1 3 Dayz wil go and thair wil be 52 Sundayz evn in the best regulayted Familiz. Thair wil be at leest wun 23 for yu in eech munth.
LIFE WITHOUT IT WIL BE UN-SEAZOND
By kind Purmishun ov the Jawn D. Rawkyfelurs the
Sun and Moon wil be purmitted 2 Arize and
Shine. The Shuberts wil regulayte the
Starz, and the Planits wil du
the best they kan.
Hetty Green and J. Peerpont Morgun have garanteed the Wethur.
WITH APOLOGIZ TO THE KARNAGY SPELING SKOOL
PTJRPETRAYTED, WITH THE AID OV WALLACE GOLDSMITH'S PICTURZ, BY
JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY
BOSTON 1906 LONDON 2 2» ZZ / &
Copyright, 1906, by JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY Boston, Mass., V. S. A.
The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U.S.A.
STACK ANNEX
Stack Annex
Time was, is, and will be. Alma- nacks have come and Almanacks have gone. But Time has sur- vived. Only the Foolish Alma- nack has been equal to the pleasant Task of Killing it We offer the Book as our Defense.
THE PUBLISHERS.
HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY:
DO not give way to vain regrets be- cause you did not keep the good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive for leading a better life this year.
ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR
If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic, how- ever, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept the country has about blown over. Public confidence and laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again.
DRESS HINT:
The first costume on record was a hand-me- down from the fig tree.
AN ICE
AGE:
Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osier won't like it if you wait until after you are 40.
MONDAY | Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time.
TUESDAY I (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs.
(1901) Andrew Carnegie started writ- ing his autobiography.
I WEDNESDAY f
FRIDAY
Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be spelled T-h-J-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the reformed who have been clinging to the water wagon since Tuesday.)
(1906) There was no genius bom in Indiana this day.
JANUARY
Reciprocity is the mother of contention.
UP IN MAINE
A THIRSTY, young sport, up in Me. Pretended to suffer great Pe. But when he'd imbibed What the druggist prescribed, He said he felt better Age.
Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know that Me. is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read Pe. as abbreviation for pain and Age, as abbreviation for again. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear reader. — The Editor.
Health Hint:
Those who are always having the hives should go into the bee business.
Household Advice:
To keep the kitchen fire hot, keep it coaled.
SUNDAY
Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having neither prying neighbors nor trouble- some servants they named their bungalow " Paradise."
WEDNESDAY
A four-flush only wins political pots.
— Poker Proverbs.
THURSDAY
Rosa Bonheur bom. Rosa painted ani- mals and all of her competitors at the art shows said her work was " beastly."
JANUARY
There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish carts.
FORECAST FOR JANUARY
FROM January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs things during January is Aquarius, which being translated means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky.
From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the 15th to the 20th it will do it.
Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the last week in January, but by February 1 st you will have become accustomed and resigned to your old habits.
January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if it's windy in the shop- ping district) skirt sails.
Gardening Hint:
You cannot raise bread fruit from cauliflour.
Health Hint:
If your blood is bad blame it on your ancestors.
SUNDAY
[WEDNESDAY!
(1905) It was decided to build a sea- level-lock canal in Panama.
(2001) It was decided to build a lock- sea-level canal instead.
(3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of the Revolution elected their officers unanimously.
[THURSDAY Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything with the naked eye is immodest.
— Anthony Comstock.
SATURDAY
JANUARY
Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for the reputation.
SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD
WHY a pretty ankle makes a "rub- ber-neck." Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge."
Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together.
Why a Glass-widow objects to a raking over.
Why real pains from little champagnes grow.
Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path.
How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land.
TALE OF A TANK
High-ball Sad fall.
Big head 'Nuffsaid.
Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or officialdom, but much sought after
vy
uterateurs.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
(1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney stone before delivering his address on " How I hate to be rich."
(1925) Atlas seeks to retire from sup- porting the world. American-Journal-Ex- aminer put at his service.
(1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series of short stories in the Congressional Record.
JANUARY
A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face.
FOR THE HOME COMING
BEFORE meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man will put his house in order for the home coming.
A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the Scrub- bers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper utensils and offering a prize for the best results.
<^>
Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner, and at about 2 in the morn- ing the police will probably come in and finish cleaning the place up.
Dairy Hint:
Most dairy- men find a separator useful, but it is not abso- lutely necessary. To separate milk most effectively, keep away from the pump.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe?
Publicity brings its own reward.
— Winston Churchill et al.
Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first victim to get a long term on the Island.
JANUARY
A man's a man for a' that- there is in it.
HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY
IT wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree that he was made President. And very few men get into office simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics ?
To FIND OUT IF MONEY Is TAINTED
If silver or gold, bite it.
If bills, wash with soap and water.
If a cheque, call up the bank.
Society Hint:
A little gossip goes a long way.
How to Be Happy:
Quit living.
[MONDAY | die°874) .
(1 906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roose- velt, perfectly healthy.
[TUESDAY"
(1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British WEDNESDAY! defeated by Morgan.
(1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds.
I THURSDAY!"
FRIDAY I About this time expect some weather.
FEBRUARY
There's many a damn 'Twixt the door and the jamb.
How TO SKATE
FEBRUARY is perhaps as good a month as any other to leam to skate.
The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows:
One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and lastly, a high- ball. (Note — After the glass is full say, " Not another drop.")
You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate.
" Spreading the Eagle " is a very pretty and artistic skating figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the street to the other all in the same night.
"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two lamp-posts you loop — take your choice. It is difficult to give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and that is — stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes around you.
Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known as "a pair of skates."
An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in February.
Nocturne:
Bright
Light
Night
Miss
Kiss
Bliss.
Pa
Bar
Scar.
MONDAY I Cherry trees and hatchets have been
I IwJiL/rM I I * tii . • ft |
supplanted by big sticks as decorations at the White House.
WEDNESDAY I " Cut it out " — Sureeon's Motto.
THURSDAY I George Washington born. Neighbors took in their cherry trees.
FEBRUARY
When Duty calls, send her around to the back door.
How TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY
" A MBITIOUS" asks the compiler of /-\ this Almanack to tell her the easiest way to compose a short story.
This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more excited than others.
Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone.
A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an opiate.
Health Hint:
All that blisters is not good for a cold.
Lucky Advice:
It is unlucky to fall down 1 3 flights of stairs.
was getting something for nothing. I foresee much trouble from this tendency." — Adam's Journal.
(1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates the Sun.
PR J DAY I (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius.
FEBRUARY
A woman's college is a dangerous thing.
HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH
NOW is a good time to think about having your last summer's suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and think about this to your heart's content. This probably will warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your coal bill.
How TO HANDLE A MUCK- RAKE
The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the celebrated Norse Ber- serker.
Select your muck and rake it dili- gently until you find a large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another.
WEATHER HINT — It's a nU wind that doesn't blow.
A Bad
Signj
"All Drinks Spot Cash."
ALL WW
SUNDAY
MONDAY
About now young boys forget skating and begin to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still skating and they are not particular whether the pastime is associated with marble or mahogany.
PRESS. AGENT — One who presages or foretells. See LYRE.
( 1 868) Barnum's Museum in New York SATURDAY | destroyed by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation, Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved.
MARCH
It is said that nothing is impossible ; but there are lots of people doing nothing every day.
ODD FACTS
Eve did not use face powder.
<*>
Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill.
GO
Samson had his whims. He never went
into vaudeville.
<b
Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at the circus.
Co
Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left in him.
<*>
Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to tell of his travels.
<o
Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle ; he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he just had to lick somebody.
GO
Euclid invented geometry rather than de- sign dress patterns for his wife.
«=5
Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest philosophers in the world — but the rule does not hold good any longer.
Weather Signj
A spoony pair under an umbrella is a sign of £ rain beau.
To Cure a
Morning
Headache:
Be a little more
abstemious the night before.
SUNDAY
#^>
(1875) First train ran through the Hoosac Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present.
I WEDNESDAY | (1793) Washington D. C. named honor of Washington deceased.
THURSDAY
SATURDAY
It was in this month that S. N. Akes left Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital,
N.Y.
MARCH
When you see a man push- ing a baby carriage, it is a sign that he has trouble before him.
SPRING, GENTLE SPRING
One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled the following:
" Gentle Spring has come at last, So keep your furnace fires full blast!"
t Q,
It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought can imagine. <h
It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work, and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the Spring. (See footnote.)
63
It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat. (See footnote.) c*
It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring. <*>
FOOTNOTE— Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter.
Cheese Hint:
Keep Limburger cheese closely con- fined under glass until it ceases to struggle.
To Cure Home- sickness:
Think how you would have to be mowing the lawn or tending the furnace if you were there.
A stuffed stork is the best stork.
— Mrs. Grundy.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
Do not pay any bills to-day. Your creditors may die during the night.
If there is ice on the ground do not try to go barefoot.
MARCH
The text which bids a man love his neighbor as himself makes no mention of said neighbor's wife.
GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES
rT"'HE principal river of Egypt is 1 the Nile. Its smaller tributaries are the juveniles.
The capital of Ireland seems des- tined to have the largest population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every year.
The United States are best for married people.
Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.)
When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw land.
Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been running together without separating.
THE MEAN THING \
Some mean old maid, without a doubt,
Who'd never tasted bliss, Was first to start that lie about
The microbes in a kiss.
Wedding Hint:
The minister ties the knot; time and lawyers may prove it^o be a slip- knot
Health Hint:
To cure a sluggish disposition, run up against a real prize fighter.
MONDAVI (3544 B.C.). Public library opened at Athens. No string.
TUESDAY | (1725) Order of the Bath reorganized by George I. — Water, soap, towel.
| WEDNESDAY I (5381 B.C.) Birth of Ananias, first spe- cial newspaper correspondent.
[THURSDAY! (1670) Bees brought from England to Boston. Many politicians stung.
About this time there will be some more weather.
MARCH
One touch of liver makes the whole world ill.
A TAKE OFF'
CLING to your winter flannels Till well along toward June, For many a one is taken off By taking them off too soon.
ADVERTISEMENTS
Academies, Colleges, Conservatories, Reform Schools, Etc.
BE A STREET PAVER
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
are made yearly in the Pa vine) Department of your home city
ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF IT??
We make you an experienced street paver by mail without interrupting present occupa- tion.
Lesson VI— "How to Graft under a Reform Administration," alone worth entire cost of course.
Begin now and be ready for your next City Election.
UNITED STATES CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE OF MUNICIPAL
OPPORTUNITIES P. O. Box 232323 Chelsea, Mass.
Antiquity of Ready-to- Wear Clothing:
Eve's dress was the first truly "out- of-sight" costume, "fig"-ura- tively speaking.
Poultry
Note:
Roosters are rather hard to manage, but hens lay wherever they are put.
SUNDAY
Was it not about April 1st that the MONDAY | Laird of S1"bo declared he would give away real money instead of libraries?
TUESDAY
[WEDNESDAY! Noah born. Noah first taught the race how wise a thing it is to lay up something for a rainy day. He laid up an ark.
iTHURSDAYf
FRIDAY I (64) Roman citizens conspire to fire Nero.
SATURDAY! (64) Nero fires Rome.
APRIL
Umbrellas cover a multi- tude of thieves.
HINTS TO AMATEUR GARDENERS
IN the spring look after your potatoes care- fully. Have their eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for
such as need them.
<*>
Never string your beans till they are old enough to understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose their temper. <*>
Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a Tom and Jerry, but it never works. <^
Before planting your punkins, carefully
remove the punk.
QI
If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your boot-tree, use a boot-jack. <^
Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the' deadly foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the mon-gooseberry. Try it. e*>
The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although the latter has a strong affinity for it.
Gardening Note:
Instead of buying expensive fertilizer for the garden, use some of last year's " popular " magazines.
April derived from the Latin
A p e r i o, meaning I open, hence Eye- opener, or Easter opening.
Andrew Carnegie was stung by the kissing bug in Atlanta, Ga.
u/rn»iren«v • Great commotion in the monkey cage at WfDNESDAYl Central Park. Brander Matthews and
Handy Skinegie overheard talking Espe-
All is not so that's said.
— White House Maxim.
When you see a girl in a very chic gown you may be sure her father had to shell out.
AN APRIL PASTEL
THERE is no better spring month in which to move than April. Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm tree on Arbor day — it may grow up to be the tree under which Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the British — who knows! The farmer will do well to apply fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large area.
EXTRACT FROM AN OFFICE- BOY'S DAIRY
8 a.m. Hired.
1 1 a.m. Tired.
1 2 m. Fired.
Spring Hints:
A little spring in a bed is good.
A little spring near the house is better.
A Me spring in a poem is the limit.
The indictment is mightier than the
charity contribution. — Trust Proverbs.
(1716) Public bank founded in Massa- chusetts. Geological deposits refused.
[THURSDAY! (1856) Condensed milk first made in Connecticut. Price of milk-weed goes up.
FRIDAY I (1659) Cromwell resigned his protec- torate.
(1905)Taftgotoff the "lid."
APRIL
Most things are good when they're new. Men and vio- lins don't get good till they're old.
GARDEN AND FARMING
HINTS:
BLACK-EYED Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must be weeded out.
<o
Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' Slippers.
«?
Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles.
<b
Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's Buttons ; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses.
<*>
Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snap- dragon after picking.
<*>
Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next generation.
<0
Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather.
&D
It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't loosen. <*>
Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of Widow's Weeds ; men of an older growth prefer to watch the Tender Buds bloom.
Rainy Day Advice :
To pick out your um- brella from among a number of better ones: take the best one — it's yours.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
Harvard University founded — the oldest institution of foot-ball and accidental learning in America.
(1 895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut.
Wise Elbert Hubbard
Went to his cupboard To get the poor world a thought,
But when he got there
The cupboard was bare And so the poor world got naught.
APRIL
If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good enough; don't be a hog.
HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL
HAVE you ever thought how much money you waste in pay- ing rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull afternoon.
KEEPING LENT
Jones borrowed my umbrella. I now know what he meant When he said it was his custom To religiously keep lent.
Health
Hint:
For that tired feeling take a good doze of sleep.
To Make the World Brighter:
Use hope and soap.
SUNDAY
It's not the loss of life makes death bitter, it's the obituaries. — D. Ceest.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
(1901 -'02-03 ->04 -05 -06, etc.) A large section of the coal miners of Pennsyl- vania struck because the operators used non- union-made tooth powder.
[SATURDAY! (1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous minority.
APRIL
The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf gets equal benefit, just the same.
FORECAST FOR MAY
FROM the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be served to gen- tlemen down town. There is no place like home during spring house-cleaning — this is why home is so generally avoided during that period.
<*>
From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting.
*>
From the latter date to the end of the month people will discard their woolens for pneumonia.
<^
The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an open month on storks.
Gardening Note:
If you sow wild oats you are likely to reap a crop of "tares."
To Break a Will-
See a lawyer.
To Break a Bill —
See a doctor.
To Break
a Till-
See a burglar.
(1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated discussion, that only filtered water should be used in the Panama Canal.
(1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs, wins approval of Boston society by outdoing Little Egypt.
I THURSDAY I ('906, next day) Pure-minded society people of Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and his near-wife.
"You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time." — From the Diary of &ru Carnage.
MAY
Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce court.
HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY
THE careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no umbrella. Further instruction is un- necessary.
TIMELY HINTS
A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to set hens on door-knobs, and old ink- bottles, thus playing a great joke on the hens.
Street Car Hint:
If a person walks on your right foot kick a person with your left.
LEGER- DEMAIN Note:
To make a
five-dollar
note look
like
30 cents,
blow it.
SUNDAY
MONDAY | (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony in Egypt.
TUESDAY! 0906) U. S. Senators played a farce entitled "Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman, to crowded houses.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
(996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by Gebert, Benedictine monk.
(Same year) Benedictine, giving good time, invented by same monks.
MAY
Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise.
|
How TO GET RICH |
||
|
GETTING rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the |
Society Hint: |
|
|
first day of the month and double each |
Even if you |
|
|
deposit each day thereafter, until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself |
can't get into "Who's |
|
|
rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus : — |
who in |
|
|
DAYS OF |
America," |
|
|
DEPOSIT |
MONTH |
you can get |
|
ni |
into the |
|
|
.Ul .02 |
2 |
Telephone |
|
.04 |
3 |
Book, and it |
|
.08 |
4 |
costs lots |
|
.16 .32 |
5 6 |
more. |
|
.64 |
7 |
|
|
1.28 |
8 |
|
|
2.56 |
9 |
|
|
5.12 |
10 |
|
|
10.24 |
11 |
|
|
20.48 |
12 |
|
|
40.96 |
13 |
|
|
81.92 |
14 |
|
|
163.84 |
15 |
|
|
327.68 |
16 |
|
|
655.36 |
17 |
|
|
1,310.72 |
18, |
|
|
2,621.44 |
19 |
|
|
5,242.88 |
20 |
|
|
10,485.76 |
21 |
|
|
20,971.52 |
22 |
|
|
41,943.04 |
23 |
|
|
83,886.08 |
24 |
|
|
167,772.16 |
25 |
|
|
335,544.32 |
2G |
|
|
671,088.64 |
27 |
|
|
1,342,177.28 |
28 |
|
|
2,684,354.56 |
29 |
|
|
5,368,709.12 |
30 |
|
|
Total, $10,737,418.23 |
||
|
The reason more people do not succeed |
||
|
in this Get-Rich-Quick scheme is that they |
||
|
become discouraged when they get about |
||
|
75 cents in bank and give it up. |
(1867) Russia thought she was selling United States a gold brick in Alaska.
(1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia heartbroken.
( 1 796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his troubles will be little ones.
(1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble being his troubles were not THURSDAY little ones.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
(1887) Congress passed the anti-polyg- amy bill. Great anxiety at Newport.
MAY
Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average ob- server does not see below the skin.
MATERIA MEDICA
When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria.
When Willie grew older he sought Govemoria.
When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria.
Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria.
CAN YOU DRAW THIS?
IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON
make large sums of money drawing pictures
WHY NOT YOU?
We teach Drawing by mail and will make you a Great Artist in six easy lessons
A Feat in Contortion ;
To make both ends meet on $8 per week.
Farm Hint:
Make the sled runners of slippery elm.
Imperial Correspondence Institute of the Fine Arts
P. O. Box 232323
CHELSEA, MASS.
(1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted MONDAY| description of hell
(1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second.
(1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal.
(1640) The Dutch took it up — then laid it down.
(1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets | THURSDAY | snarled up in the Muck Rake.
(1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air will allow.
MAY
There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip.
FORECAST FOR JUNE
FROM the 1 st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. From the I 1 th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June 30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and enters the constella- tion of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be cut out.
SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE
If all the oceans should evaporate they
would leave a deposit of 235 feet of salt.
This, it is estimated, would salt enough
pretzels to supply the world for several years.
^
It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a good many per cent.
&>
An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you will see a spark. c*>
A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as hens?
Hotel Hint:
No first class inn will permit guests to indulge in such
undignified gymnastics as running through the corridors, or jumping board bills.
Seasonable Advice:
Look out for the open work lawn hose and accompany- ing shower baths.
[SMQAY | (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time in a talk to put the Douma down and out.
I I Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up
I MONDAY I and out.
TUESDAY
FEU DAY
May 7 — Cannon's boom set off by speech from Uncle Joe — Presidential Bee taking terrible risk at Cannon's mouth.
two wron§s
not
how many franchises make a wrong ?
JUNE
The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole.
This little creature belongs to the " Know- itall" class and has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he warbles " Ki-yi, blame it on me."
How to Make Credit Grow.
Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the size of the credit depends entirely upon the general appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to enable its owner to live without money.
Fashion Note:
It is no longer good form to serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot an automo- bile horn.
Health Hint:
For " Seeing things" at night try a Welsh Rarebit.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
(1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Ports- mouth, N. H. — Japanese description of Portsmouth, " A mos' honorable plaze where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable liquor!"
(2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solo- mon, who gazed upon his wives and exclaimed, "Variety is the spice of life!"
P. S. — Adam couldn't say this because he was handicapped.
(1258) " Mad Parliament" meets. (1906) Congress "mad," still in session.
If a man tells you that he "had darned hard work getting out of bed this morning," the chances are that the bed was a folding one.
JUNE
Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic.
DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES
SUMMER begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to have a good start.
<*>
Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a fright.
A freckle is the same to a drug- gist as a pipe line is to Rockefeller — ready money and a lot of it.
£3
One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three- ply acid, and a gross of poudre-de- phiz every Saturday afternoon.
c*>
All this gives vigor to the freckle. '
Incendiary Warning:
To save money from fire,— don't burn it.
Etiquette Query.
Is the game worth the scandal ?
MONDAY | About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow in Packingtown. What's the answer?
(1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed the Interstate Commerce Commission to issue an injunction against them under the plea of restraint of trade. The injunction was issued, and withdrawn later when the Supreme Court decided that confidence was too universal to be made the basis of a monopoly.
JUNE
The poet associates his larks -with high heaven ; the realist associates his larks with high-balls.
RAISING CORN
GREAT care should be exer- cised in raising com, especially the variety JotltlUS Barley- cornicus. This may be raised with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the hot sands!" etc.
Pest Note:
If troubled with June- bugs try sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with aunts close up the house and go to the country.
This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. " Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky.
(390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling
(1905) Reputations ruined by the cack- ling of Alexander and Hyde.
I WEDNESDAY I (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more magazine articles, except for the Congressional Record.
(1 876) Alexander Graham Bell invented FRIDAY I the telephone.
(1877) American Humorists invented the telephone girl.
JUNE
Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a husband.
How TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN
NOW is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some healthy young electric light plant.
With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep the plants from drying out.
5=3
Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in check.
In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the garden, but also give life to the plant.
Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for interior decoration as it is to- day. There is a ready market for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.
(858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet high. Great envy among the
July 4th is a great day for those who love to tell us that "all men are created free and equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth of Juliars.
M (1839) John D. Rockefeller born. "First in the wells, first in the pipes, first in the lamps of his countrymen."
JULY
Never look a gift mule in the hind leg.
HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY
THE best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the house- hold cat — without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite comer when it is mentally dis- quieted.
AD VERTISEMENTS
ARTISTS MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC.
I GILD MY OWN BRICKS
LITTLE GEM BRICK GILDING OUTFIT
IS A BOON TO FARMERS
Buy the Outfit and be your own Confidence Man, thus enjoying all the pleasures of being buncoed without leaving The Old Home o- o-
Carving Note:
A chicken neck served to a guest is "the most unkindest cut of all."
SUNDAY I (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she never used embalmed beef at her
MONDAY
TUESDAY
banquets.
(1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting on the wall.
(1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe.
(1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick, "I've worked every one but father."
Boy, gun, Joy, fun. Gun bust. Boy dust.
JULY
Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a commodity.
HINTS ON DRESS
Parasols should be carried on Sun-day.
<*>
Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are justified in making a cloak of their religion. 63
Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table.
69
Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives.
<*
The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are quite popular. <b
Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by gentlemen who are financially embarrassed.
Advice to Wives:
It is better to let your husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a friend bring him home after dinner.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
(1896) Abas Dreyfus! ( 1906) Vive le Dreyfus!
I TUESDAY I ( 1 840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston. P. S. — Do not confound with canard, which arrived with Boston to remain always.
I WEDNESDAY f
HONOR TO WHOM, ETC.
We're all of us selfishly slow to confess
How much others aid us in winning success;
But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see
How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be.
JULY
Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook.
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(Recent Interpretations)
AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes on the first of January.
<^>
PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to be just as thirsty.
<h
ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to meditate on the virtues of bock beer.
<*>
TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition is surly and it's a toss- up whether he really remains a waterman. <*>
GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and how he feels toward his fellowman in May.
<*>
CANCER, the crab, indicating the back- ward interest with which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer.
(Continued on next left-hand page.)
Health Hint:
For a turned ankle — a nicely turned feminine ankle — a low shoe, a short skirt, and a drop- stitch
stocking are recommend- ed.
SUNDAY
(1851) Vigilance Committee organized (MONDAY | in San Francisco.
( 1 906) Order of Muck-rakers established in Washington.
(1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in the Bull-rushes.
(1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the meat bill.
INFINITUDE!
Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable
He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable:
He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful,
But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable.
JULY
An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be.
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(Continued)
LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in July he agrees with
them.
GO
VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually hears of his daughter's engagement.
C,
LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and send him the bills.
&3
SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with which he pays them in October.
GO
SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on the part of his con- science toward the end of November, to
CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he decides that next year shall be different.
A Milk Pointer:
Milkmen, too, have their troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do water their milk, some- body has the law on them.
(1852) Crystal palace opened at New
I MONDAY I York.
Next week — New York people dis- cover they cannot live in glass houses.
I TUESDAY"
(1 84 1 ) London Punch first issued. Same week — Great over London.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY | (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C., and opens campaign.
Same date — Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we had no idea the Republican party was so large!"
JULY
Matches are made in heaven — they don't need 'em in the other place.
Report to the Secretary of War on
the Russo-Japanese War by
Gen. Buzruz, U. S. A.
T
HE war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:
1 . It was not started by a newspaper.
2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort.
3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.
4. There was no San Juan Hill.
5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls.
6. The officers looked after their com- mands instead of writing magazine articles.
7. The soldiers were fed real food.
8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.
9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.
10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.
1 I. No newspaper or magazine con- troversy has been started over who won the battles.
Political Note:
Politicians are bought, not made.
Health Hint:
Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.
SUNDAY
••MMMBM
I MONDAY | (1 886) Dumb piano invented by VirgiL
Rejoicing in Harlem.
I TUESDAY I
1 WEDNESDAY!
I THURSDAY I (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II of France. Rainy days become popular.
FRIDAY I Tne woman who wears a short bathing skirt is not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife of a popular magazine editor ,. and cultivate exposure because she has
SATURDAY! caught the habit.
— Supton Eclair.
AUGUST
No successful business man ever spends his own money.
USEFUL FARM HINTS
TAKE good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be just as pry as ever.
The man who sells six onions for a nickel
cannot thrive, For all can see that no one ought to give
six scents for five.
In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should be made to give a re-seat for it
&5
Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect It is by his root that he
Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight.
GO
It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, " In this wheat by and by."
<*>
In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quar- ters are not his real business end.
Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant:
A Turkish Bath Factory needs con- stant
attention to make it pay.
(1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of thanks to John B. Moran for removing screens from hotel windows.
I WEDNESDAY I "The greatest blessing of all is that I am 1 no longer kept awake nights by persons who are making modern improvements."
— Robinson Crusoe.
(1066) William prepares to invade England with 696 ships and 60,000 men. ( 1 906) Alice prepares to invade England
|
SATURDAY |
wim o^o trunKs ana I man. |
|
j /* \ |
AUGUST |
A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends enchantment.
HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST
A CABBAGE leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keep- ing the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint leaves — sipping it through a straw is favored by many eminent practitioners at the bar.
A BREAD AND MILK Cow
The farmer with a Jersey cow Can live as fine as silk
For he has got, you must allow, His thorough-bred and milk.
A Hint on Luck:
A Lucky- piece is a good mascot ; a piece of luck is the real thing.
Fashion Hint:
With peek- a-boo waist and short sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.
"dog
uA».nnvl (449) "Robbers' MONDAY | Ephesus.
( 1 908) Extra session of Congress held at Washington.
WEDNESDAY I Do not take this day off. It day" and he may want it.
(697) The Venetians elect their first
FRIDAY I doge.
(1906) The beef packers try their last dodge.
AUGUST
A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet.
APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS
To the fireman : Go to blazes! ^
To the butcher: May you never make a miss-steak in your endeavor to make both ends meat!
To the baker: May you always have the dough, not too much crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to!
<0
To the spinster: May you ever be the matchless but not the mateless woman you are now!
«9
To the young physician: May you wait, like Patience on a monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on your patients! «9
To the seamstress: May life always seam sew-sew in your hemmy- sphere!
Co
To the dentist: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to fill many an aching void and long-felt
want!
&s
To the poet: May you have many more verses than reverses.
I WEDNESDAY | (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek- a-boo waist
10NDAY. .... he^nothingtobragon,
* it s true, «* f*. *« a bfg chestnut burr TUESDAY I Gels *c ^ *' Around J
FRIDAY I (1509) Henry VIII began to get mar- ried.
AUGUST
A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is ; a woman admires a man for what she thinks he has.
HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER
EXCUSE us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come off easily enough.
Is THE SUN INHABITED?
An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that the Sun is inhabited.
c*>
The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at Columbus when he said the Earth was round.
The Public also hooted at wireless teleg- raphy in its early stages.
The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever becoming common carriers.
<* The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?
<*>
This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he really appears at first blush.
«ft
The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.
^
And Hell is inhabited.
Financial Note:
When in doubt, do the first one you come across.
Marine Note:
High rollers don't always come in from the sea.
—
IT HEADS THE LIST
In a book showing all
Of the gowns great and small Wives have worn since this old world begun,
That first dress of Eve's,
Which she fashioned of leaves, Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1."
(1848) Patent issued for converting fine coal into solid lumps.
(1906) Patent sought for converting fine poetry into filthy lucre.
SEPTEMBER
It's a long lane that hides no lovers.
SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS
HAY A-LA-MODE
Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dream- ily over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.
65
NUT CUTLET
Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind them into a paste of about the consistency of the average politi- cian. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a veal cutlet.
Co
IMITATION POTTED HARE
Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.
to
STEWED RUBBER PLANT
Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.
Ticker
Note:
Bull move- ments are carefully watched in Mexico and Spain.
Fashion Note:
Many a hose is worn to be seen.
SUNDAY I (| 10,000 B.C.) f Aphrodite bom from the "foam of the sea."
(1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of too many "schooners."
I WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
General opening of Public Schools. General opening of Oysters.
(1777) Brandywine proves a bad mix- ture for the colonial troops.
(Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries estab- lished in England. Marriage encouraged.
SEPTEMBER
That love is blind accounts for so many miscues.
HEALTH HINTS
r I 'O cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat re- lieved within a few days after the time of going ashore. <*>
Persons troubled with poor circula- tion should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper.
63
Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening
the breath.
<*>
For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep. OB
To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish grass widow.
<h
Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once.
Financial
Note:
For "dust" in the house, ask hubby.
Art Note:
An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior.
MONDAY I (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a submarine.
| TUESDAY I (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route.
(1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartol- ommeo Cristofori. His assassination soon follows.
|
SATURDAY |
|
|
SEPTEMBER |
It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
How to Trim Rich Relations.
THIS is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the sub- jects can only be approached when they are asleep.
Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chlo- roform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business mat- ters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find.
Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the trimming.
Health
Hint:
While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
(1629) First theater in America estab- lished in Boston. Patti opened theater with first farewell performance.
"The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm sure I can't imagine where they buy such long stockings."
— Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore.
(1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis.
SEPTEMBER
Those who live in glass houses should conduct them- selves accordingly.
RARE RECIPES
TO MAKE A LIVING: To one old woman with
money add "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.
TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD: Take a
"peach"
with red lips. Add a shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.
TO PRESERVE MONEY: Take a
• roll of
"yellow-backs" from whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent part in church
Entomolog- ical Note:
In Washing- ton the Katy-dids now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.
Home Hint:
Servant girls should be picked early this month. If picked green they often last the whole win- ter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.
SUNDAY | 0 296) Society of "Merchant Adventu- rers" established by John, of Biabaut.
(1901) Steal Trust organized by Mor- gan, of New York.
TUESDAY | "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal without having to read it."—
Kudyard Ripling.
I WEDNESDAY]
(THURSDAY! (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic friendship to Adonis.
FRIDAY
(575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a game of bridge.
OCTOBER
There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip.
You NEVER CAN TELL
Sons of great men oft remind us That no matter what our fame,
Offspring that we leave behind us May be lobsters, just the same.
Economical Hint:
A good imitation of soapsuds may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then opening the bottle.
pve^
CloUP5Avr >
fel
MONDAY I ( 1 78 1 ) Battle of Eutaw.
(1 906) W.C.T.U. tries to throw Smoot out of the Senate.
I TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
(673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council of Bishops.
(1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council of Muck-rakers.
FRIDAY | FIRST CANOE— Doesn't it make you tired to be taken out by one of those fresh young men who doesn't know how to paddle?
SECOND CANOE — Yes, it often quite upsets me.
OCTOBER
There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every neck.
HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER
IF you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy and simple way to remedy the damage will be — but wait ! Maybe you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from us to touch a tender spot.
She — (very decollete). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?
He — (sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the limit.
Footwear Advice :
Two empty bananas make a very good pair of slippers.
Health Hint:
There is no sure cure for laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.
SUNDAY | There was a young man from St Louis
Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis, A habit he learned When his medals he earned
In the fight at Manila with Douis!
(1196) pretzels.
Diet at Wurzburg — beer and
THURSDAY | "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no nightie." — Hindoo Proverb.
OCTOBER
The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way.
To THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR
Fair maid, how I have longed for thee,
That classic face of thine I feared would never look on me,
Much less be wholly mine ! And now that thou art mine indeed —
In fact my last resource — There comes, alas, through direful need,
The time for our divorce !
Health Hint:
A good
way to air your room is to turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.
A BUSINESS POINTER
"When I can read my title clear
To mansions in the skies," I will not care for riches here, And cease to advertise.
(1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height.
( 1 906) Marcel wave in the ascendant.
t-r.ir.Av i (1558) Sailers' company founded in FRIDAY I London.
(1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member.
I SATURDAY f
OCTOBER
The eye is the window of the soul.
The mouth is the subway of the face.
RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE
THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE
(Copyrighted)
FIRST get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard — this is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.
Etiquette Hint:
To remove a "sticking plaster," try yawning.
TUESDAY]
SUCH A JAIS!
There was a young man from Calais Who saw a soubrette at a plais.
Her beauty all fled
When her make-up was shed, And his idol proved nothing but clais!
(60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists.
(60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc.
I THURSDAY | (1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneu- monia waist in September.
FRIDAY
OCTOBER
The baby's favorite, often heard at night — a high-bawl in A flat.
HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER
DO not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it — the brandy, we mean. We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove curls up and faints when ordered to dis- guise a mince pie breath.
How TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH
First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth permanently.
If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies generally and he will leave of his own accord.
EVOLUTION
"I'm not a beauty, I'll allow,"
Said the poor mule, lank and old,
" But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow, Than my father was, I'm told."
I MKDAY I (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for President. He went down easily.
(1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was nominated June "23."
(1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third term.
NOVEMBER
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, accord- ing to all accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home.
FAMILY TREES
Men are luckless farmers,
Their Family Trees will show,
For many who grafted Peaches Are ruined by their Blow.
|
CANNED GOODS |
ADVERTISEMENTS |
HEAD WEAR |
BRAINS MADE TO ORDER;
Do your brains fit you? Are they of an inferior quality? Do they make you a living ?
...USE... OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS!
We have reached the highest perfection point in the manufacture of brains and can supply you with canned brains at reasona- ble prices. Put up only in pints and quarts. Prices on application.
BRAINS ON TRIAL!
Send us your name and we will ship you direct a complete set of our brains on trial. Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that period, you find 'them not all we claim, return them to us at our expense.
SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN EXCHANGE !
THE "WISE, GRAY MATTER CO.
Boston, Mass.
Golf Rule:
If you strike your partner, while
driving, the stroke counts against him.
Health
Note:
To cure palpitation of the heart, it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.
SUNDAY
GENEALOGICAL NOTE
Any low-browed, brindle rooster Can kerdoodle if he choose ter And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!" But an incubator chicken Hatched by steam 's a mighty slick un* TUESDAY I K it's wise enough to recognize its ma.
WEDNESDAY
I THL'RSDAYl ( | 640) Torture abolished in England. (1906) Corsets still worn.
FRIDAY I Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook.
NOVEMBER
Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa pillows.
FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER
THE period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 1 6th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion.
<*>
Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket line.
Poultry Hint:
Time spent in trying to reform a bad egg is time wasted.
Health Hint:
Persons troubled with rheu- matics
should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the
" shingles " can sleep on the roof.
METEORO-LOGICAL
"One swallow does not make a summer," I MONDAY I Still, 'tis clear to all [stuff
1 That swallows enough of the right sort of Are certain to make a fall.
0775) Washington's army, barefooted snow at Valley Forge, swore that it would, later on, whip the British "out of their boots."
FRIDAY I (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who introduced "There's only one girl in the world for me ! "
NOVEMBER
Circumstances open cases.
How TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE
TO properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others. <^>
If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever projected by the mind of man.
<o
And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all those who retired early the night before and missed the social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.
Health Hint:
Young ladies desir- ing more color in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
WHO DARES?
Some men are brave, no doubt, in war, But the iron-nerved rip-snorter
Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car And refuses to tip the porter.
I WEDNESDAY I 0890) Improved excelsior machines invented.
Same date — Breakfast food introduced.
(1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament, refuses to take the oath.
Same date — First and only time on record a politician ever refused to take
I SATURDAY! anything.
NOVEMBER
The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a push.
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HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER |
Health Hint: Fatigued brain- workers desiring to engage in some restful employment should try hair- dressing. The barber does most of his head- work with his hands. Household Hint: Do not mis- take the cat for a sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a cushion, will rise again. |
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NOW, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to send you presents last Christmas. Send each :>f them a little remembrance — but be sure o select something that will force them to >pend forty or fifty dollars to take care :>f it or to surround it with the proper atmos- ahere. This is much better than mailing a Dost card and letting it go at that. |
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.T,;,T ADVERTISEMENTSBXTB';SS" |
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EYES TESTED AT HOME |
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It is a deplorable fact that human vision is falling be- low the normal standard day by day. A great many people weaken their ig for work, others in a joke where there is home eye tester is rewith. Why pay to an oculist when rour eyes yourself? ONS FOR USING E-TESTER |
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0 __jC |
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jyes by lookii .rying to see 10 joke. Our patent presented he jood money fou can test 3 DIRECTI EY] |
Hold black disc and parallel lines 18 inches in front of your eyes. Close your eyes and look at diagram intently. If, then, any one line in the diagram seems to you to be more alike than any other line, or if any one line looks to be more parallel than two lines, you ought to wear spectacles.
TUESDAY
A SACRED THOUGHT
"Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she And I thought (and I guess it was pat) [see
If she gets them, on next Sunday morning we'll The two of them pinned on her hat
(1906) Terrible disaster throughout United States — many magazines have hot- air explosions, shattering scores of reputa- tions.
(1897) Thousands invest in Keeley FRIDAY | motor stock.
( 1 898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud — first Keeley cure on record.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
All things come to him who goes after them.
FARMING IN ALASKA
IT is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer — be careful not to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulle- tin issued by the Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 1 2 farms, four oxen, 1 3 cows, 1 76 chickens, 1 0 pigs, several cases of pneu- monia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $ 1 65 worth of hay, $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way with eggs — no cold storage needed ; the eggs are frozen before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from' the sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.
Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if conditions are favorable they will raise $ 1 75 worth this year.
Culinary Note:
To pair potatoes, place them two by two.
Health Note:
For water on the brain try an umbrella.
TUESDAY
EVE BEGAN IT
The eternal feminine has not changed much since the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear.
(1 798) George Washington invents the
IWW5DAYI cocktail.
(1906) George Washington acknowl- edged to be most popular man in history of the country.
(1905) Beef Trust declared illegal - FRIDAY | whatever that is.
(1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is no use "beefing about it."
SATURDAYf
DECEMBER
Most popular book in the world — the pocketbook.
THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT
L
ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS
ITTLE George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and is now three years old.
This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immedi- ately took the Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George Hathadash distributing his first bun- dle of " Roasts," just as he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. " Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall Paper." Better and brighter than any thermon."
Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and established himself in business. He is now well on his way to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that the " Roast " offers as an extra inducement to its hustling young salesmen.
There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek is likely to get one of them.
But all boys are not like George Hatha- dash. We think he is going to be a President of the Common Council.
Health Note:
A hot brick is a good thing for the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.
MONDAY
(44 B.C.) " Twenty-three for you," shouted Brutus to Caesar, and when they counted the stab wounds they found Brutus had enumerated correctly.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
(1 776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat. " I am glad it isn't break fast food," said George.
(192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. I THURSDAY | Sparta joins the Achean league — it was easy to slide in Greece.
FRIDAY I LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR
The colicky baby's father,
As he croons his soothing song,
His thanks should give that he doesn't live Where the nights are six months long.
DECEMBER
"Even those who can't read like to look at the pic- tures."— Willie B. Hearsed (Politically) ?
ADVICE TO PARENTS
IT is now pretty generally believed that the name given to one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, has a most important influence in the work of shaping his life and fortune. <*>
No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show that most of the bare- pated men of the nation are so because while they were still helpless little children they were named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would still be blest with well-thatched
It is the bounden duty of parents to deter- mine the business or profession in which they intend their children shall engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy poul- try-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry ; if they wish him to become a sur- geon they should call him Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard ; if a debtor, Owen ; and if they wish him to " go to grass," Timothy.
Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but is always in bad odor.
The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie ; if a writer, Adaline ; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to the end of the chapter.
(1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from Cromwell, wins record of being most difficult man in the world to subpoena.
(1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II.
(1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little Mayflower.
(1906) Records show that little May- flower brought over 38,000,000 carloads of ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc.
(1906) Chinese missionaries threatened. (Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make new ones for home.
The day before Christmas will seem the longest day in the year if you are expecting any presents.
DECEMBER
"Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have departed.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPOND.
ENTS
DIFFIDENT — The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him arrested.
ECONOMY — We know of no place where toothbrushes are laundered.
HISTORIAN — You are right. Noah was the largest individual holder of watered stock during his age.
SCIENCE — Yes, ice both sides.
is slippery on
WELL WISHER — We return the $5 note. We cannot accept counterfeit money from admirers.
SPORT— You lose, an orphan.
Adam was born
RECENT INVENTIONS
A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum. <*>
Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.
A New
Year Thoughtj
Now is the time to take your pen in hand — to meditate, to practise faithfully until you write with ease,
one- nine - naught - EIGHT.
To
Develop the Calf:
Permit it to remain with its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink milk out of pail.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
( 1 278) Ottocar died in Vienna. (1895) Automobile born in France.
(1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his son Rupert for the benefit of modern novelists.
( 1 340) Cannon first used in England. (1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of Representatives.
CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED
Editor Foolish Almanack: —
What ails my hens? Every morning I find two or three lying on their backs, toes curled up, never to rise again.
CONSTANT READER.
Skowhegan, Me.
Answer: — Your hens are dead. — Ed.
DECEMBER
Health Hint: -If you have a " broken bone " try to save the change.
j\.um,oer 1 in the " Foolish Series
<Tke Foolisk Dictionary
ly GIDEON WURDZ
Author of "Foolish Finance"
Over fifty illustrations ty ^Vallace Gold- smitL.
More tkan one KunJred tkousand copies of "The Foolish Dictionary" Lave teen sold, and tnrougnout tke country its seven hundred •witty definitions are quoted in every -walk of life.
It is a took for everybody wno lovei fun in •words— in fact it's
A DICTIONARY of HUMOR
Uniform with ^Foolish. Finance. Cloth
{Price 75c
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Foolish
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ly GIDEON WURDZ
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A mirthful book on all branches of finance, familiarizing the uninitiated with the funny side of losing money, while making \Vall Street see the joke on themselves.
"The Author aims his witty shafts at the mo- nopolists, railroads, hanks, mines, insurance companies, and on every page there is some- thing to provoke a smile." — ^Boston Herald
Over fifty characteristically funny illus- trations by \Vallac8 Goldsmith.
Uniform with "Foolish 'Dictionary". Cloth
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Foolish Etiquette
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Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by MVallace Goldsmith •whose humorous sketches are such an important feature of Tke Foolisk Series.
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C//ofA, uniform with other OOOK.S in tnis series, 73-8x4 1-2. 160 Pages.
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