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LIBRARY

©healugical Seminary,

PRINCETON, N. J.

BX 922y~.H3T5^A3 Halyburton, Thomas, 1674- 1712.

Memoirs of the life of the

Rev. Thomas^^HalyJDurton

^ I

The John HI. Kiebs Donation. i

MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE

REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON,

PROFESSOR OF DIVINITY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF ST. ANDREWS,

WITH AN APPENDIX,

EMBRACINO

AN ACCOUNT OF THE CHUECH OF SCOTLAND DURING THE TIMES OF HALYBURTOX.

ISSUED BY THE COMMITTEE OF THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF

THE FREE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND, FOR THE PUBLICATION OF THE

WORKS OF SCOTTISH REF0R3IERS AND DIVINES.

JOHN JOHNSTONE,

15, PRINCES STREET, EDINBURGH ; AND

26, PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON.

Printed bv John JoHNiTo.vE. 104, High Street, Edinburgh.

"^'ft>5i-»i..S^;.-Vv ^

CONTENTS.

PAGE

DEDICATION, 5

PREFACE TO THE READER, ..... 7

A SHORT ACCOUNT OF THE BIRTH, PARENTAGE, AND CHARAC- TER, OF THE REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON, WITH SOME OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS LIFE, ..... 17

MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON, WRITTEN

BY HIMSELF SOME YEARS BEFORE HIS DEATH. — INTRODUCTION, 25

PART I.

NARRATING THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FROM THE TIME OF MY BIRTH, TILL I WAS ABOUT TEN YEARS OF AGE, OR THEREBY, 26

PART II.

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF THE RISE, PROGRESS, INTERRUP- TIONS, REVIVALS, AND ISSUES OF THE LORD'S STRIVINGS WITH ME, DURING THE TEN OR ELEVEN ENSUING YEARS OF MV LIFE, FROM MAY 1685 TO AUGUST 1696.

Chap. I. Containing an account of the first rise of any concern about religion — its result; revivals and other occurrences thereto relating for the first two years of this time, 57

Chap. II. Containing an account of the revival of convic- tions, their effects, progress, issues, and interruptions, from the close of 1687 to 1C90 or lG'91,when I went from Perth to stay at Edinburgh, ... 44

Chap. III. Giving an account of the increase of my con- victions, during my stay at Edinburgli, from harvest 1690 or 1691, till May 1693, and the vain refuges I betook myself to for relief, .... 50

Chap. I"V. Containing an account of the progress of the Lord's work, the straits I was reduced to, and the courses I took for relief, from May 1693, when I left Edinburgh, till I went to the family of Wemyss, August 1696, '67

IF CONTENTS.

PART III.

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE LORD'S WORK FOR THE SPACE OF ABOUT THREE YEARS ENSUING, FROM AUGUST 1696 TO JUNE 1699; THE DREADFUL STRAIT I WAS AT LAST BROUGHT TO, WITH MV OUTGATE, AND THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FOR SOME TIME AFTER THIS.

Chap. I. Givin<r an account of the progress of my con- victions, temptations, and vain reliefs, from the time I went to the Wemyss, till I was at last brought to the utmost extremity, ...... 79

Chap. II. Containing an account of the outgate I got about the close of January 1698, and the state of mat- ters thereon, ....... 93

Chap. III. Containing an account of the pleasure of my case at this time, the mistakes I was still under, the sad effects of them, and the way of their discovery, 118

Chap. TV. Containing an account of my strugglings with indwelling sin, its victories, the causes of them on my part, and God's goodness with respect to this trial, 130

Chap. V. Containing an account of my exercise about the guilt of sin, the means of obtaining pardon, and the intimations thereof, ..... 137

Chap. VI. Recounting my exercise aboiit the being of God, and showing my outgate from the way of this temptation, ....... 154

Chap. VII. Containing an account how I came to be satisfied that the Scriptures are the word of God. and how temptations in reference to them were repelled, 161

Chap. VIII. Containing a short account of the issue of some other temptations wherewith I had been exer- cised, and the relief I got with respect to them from the Lord, 169

PART IV.

CONTAINING SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS ORDINATION UNTO THE HOLY MINISTRY, AND HIS CONDUCT THEREIN.

Chap. I. Of bis being licensed to preach the gospel, 181

Chap. II. Of his entering on the ministiy at Ceres, 185

Chap. III. Of his management in the work of the

ministry, 187

Chap. IV. Containing his judgment concerning several cases, especially with respect to his own exercise and

practice, 193

Chap. V. Of his marriage and conduct in his family, 208 Chap. VI. Of his entering upon the profession of divinity, 223

AN ACCOUNT OF SOME OF THE LAST WORDS OF THE REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON, professor of DIVINITY IN ST. ANDREWS, ON HIS DEATH-BED, SEPTEMBER, 1712, . . . 226

APPENDIX, 301

TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE

THE LADY HEMIETTA CAMPBELL.

Mada^i,

It will not be tliouglit strange, l)y any who know your Ladyship, and the esteem you had for my dear husband, now in glory, that T take tlie boldness to present you with these Memoirs of his Life. The char- acter your Ladyship bears, the acquaintance you have with Christian exercise, the share you have had in the sufferings of this Church, and your steady adhering to the truth in the worst of times, and under all the trials your Ladyship has met with, together with those other excellent qualifications wherewith the Lord hath endued you, may easily account for my presuming so far, and give me assurance that the present will be acceptable to your Ladyship, and that you will readily pardon my presumption, in prefixing your honourable name to it — ■

VI DEDICATION.

■wliich is all I have access to do, in testimony of that profound respect your Ladyship may justly claim, and which I shall always be ambitious to pay: Being in all sincerity,

Madam,

Your Ladyship's most humble,

And most obedient Servant,

Janet Watson.

THE PREFACE TO THE READER.

Of all biography, the lives of eminent saints are, beyond all controversy, the most edifjdng and useful, being, in some measure, a transumpt of the holiness of God and his word. Their laudable and amiable example carries in it such a secret and powerful efficacy to make impres- sions on fellow-Christians, yea, on all generous souls with whom there are any remains of conscience, that it has often provoked them to love and good works, and, by a pious emulation, to tread their steps, to glorify God, and mend their pace heaven-ward. (Heb. x. 24; Matt. V. 16; 1 Pet. ii. 12, iii. 1.)

Without the holy and exemplary lives of the votaries of religion, the gospel of Christ usually is so far from gaining ground, that it daily loses the room it has in the Avorld; of which the present melancholy state of the reformed churches is too plain a document. I am per- suaded, that next to the great outpouring of the " Spirit from on high" (Isa. xxxii. 15), me rapid and admirable success of the glorious gospel was greatly owing to the holy lives of its professors, especially their shining in the peculiar and distinguishing duties of Christianity, and their cheerful and undaunted boldness in suffering for Christ. Therefore, since in our day the gospel is so

Till THE PREFACE TO THE READER.

visibly destitute of this great advantage to commend the Christian rehgion to the consciences of all, both friends and foes, v,e hope the printing of the following sheets ■will not be found unseasonable, when there is so evident and universal a decay of the life and power of religion with the truly godly, and such a prodigious and formid- able growth of hypocrisy, formality, lukewarmness, and security, with many in the visible Church; when the scandalous and profane lives of many professed Chris- tians are giving so deep and deadly a wound to the credit of religion and the gospel ; when not a few, espe- cially of om* youth, and that not of the meanest quality, are poisoned, I fear beyond the power of antidote, with profane romances, stage-plays, and histories of the filth}'' and impure amom-s of the vilest rakes and most profligate debauchees, and with atheistical and blas- phemous books against all religion ; in a time when the w^orld is abused wdth lying stories of the lives of men, base apostates, that preached another gospel, ceased not to pervert the right ways of the Lord, and that were cruel wolves and persecutors ; by which they are repre- sented and very artfully dressed up in the likeness of great virtuosos, first-rate Christians, and men of God indeed. "Who knows but this book may be of some use to rouse decayed Christians, waken such as have " a name to live, but are dead," give a check to the vicious and loose lives of the* immoral, expose the disguised lives of enemies, and convict atheists; and though it should be wholly fruitless that Avay, yet it shall be a standing testimony and witness against the dangerous and growing evils of this perilous time : " They shall know there has been a prophet among them."

THE PREFACE TO THE READER. IX

The first three periods of his life were all found after his death, in a manuscript Avritten with his own hand as they are printed; but all we could have of the fom-th period of his life, is only some gleanings from imperfect, short hints of things in his diary, which he had never digested nor enlarged ; which is certainly a very consider- able loss, seeing the experiences of this fourth period might have been much more useful, being the whole time of his ministry; but the wise Lord, the Master, called him off, and prevented it. After he was fixed in a charge, he had much work, his parish being both spa- cious and numerous; he was often abroad preaching at sacraments, also about business; and always when he preached, if in health, he wrote much, as is told after- wards; and he was scarce three years a minister, when his health broke. These and other difficulties, we judge, had hindered his finishing those Memoirs which we know he designed : he told himself to some friends, if health and business would have allowed, he would have written as much on the fourth period as on all the other three.

In reading of his exercise, and the ten-or he was once under, when, as he words it, " the Lord brought him to Sinai," it should be remembered, that though prepara- tory law-works with all the adult that are called be the same as to substance — all must be enlightened, convinced of their sin and misery, be made truly sensible of their lost state, be thoroughly humbled, made to see their state desperate without a SaA^our, and be renewed, ere they will come to Jesus; — so there is a great variety among the Lord's people as to the time of their awaken- ing, the duration of it, the means by which, &c., mea-

X THE PREFACE TO THE READER.

sure of terror or down-casting, and distinctness aLout their exercise, and the like.

No serious souls have reason to be shaken about their interest in Christ Jesus, though they have not been so early awakened as some, or had so great a degree of terror, and been so long under it as others, or though they cannot give so distinct an account of the time when, the means or instruments by which, the Lord first awakened them, as some can do ; by all which they have no small advantage. It is to be regretted that some worthy men have, by uncautious discourses on this sub- ject, stumbled not a few serious and exercised Chris- tians.

As to what we have of his dying words annexed to the Memoirs of his Life, it is but a little, we assure you, of what he spoke the last five days before his death. Some of the SAveetest and most savoury discourses he had are wholly lost, being so mangled by the writer that we were forced to drop them; for great care was taken not to insert anything but what he spoke. The occasion of this was, the writer was forced to stand at a distance, and out of his sight, because when he observed him writing, he was displeased, and would not allow it; likewise the noise that sometimes was in the room, with people's speaking to him, their coming in or going out, and ordering things about him, made the writer often lose half a sentence; neither was it possible for those that revised his dying words to help this.

The want of connection there is often betwixt pur- poses discoursed by him, was occasioned partly by the short slumbers he sometimes fell into, his taking some

THE PREFACE TO THE READER. XI

refresliment, and other interruptions; and partly by reason of" different discourses persons had to him.

We assure you, there are very few discourses he had that are full and complete, as he then spoke them.

Reader,

There are some things very obvious, that add a peculiar and bright lustre to the testimony this dying saint and faithful minister of Christ has ffiveii to the good ways of God, which should commend this his swan-sono; to all.

1. They are the last words of one who gives you a rational and distinct account of the work of God on his own soul some years ago, and who afterwards, by a holy convincing walk, adorned the gospel of Christ, and glorified his Lord and Master, which was his greatest ambition on earth. He tried the reality and sweetness of religion some time, found it was a true report the gospel made, and that the " half was not told." His last words deserve the more regard, since ye may see he was far from being bigoted unto a fond conceit of the principles and practice of religion : he " tried all things, and did hold fast that which was orood." "What vast pains he was at to examine the very fundamental prin- ciples of natural and revealed religion ye may see from his Memoirs, his Treatise against Deism, the Reason of Faith, (Sec. All which demonstrate that his " faith did not stand in the wisdom of men" (1 Cor. ii. 5), but in the power of God. They are the last words of one who spent about twelve years in lively preaching of Christ and him crucified, whereof not a few of the Lord's pec-

XU THE PREFACE TO THE READER.

pie retain a savoury remembrance, of wliich his excel- lent sermons Avill convince those that knew him not, if encouragement be got to print them.

2. This may enhance the value of this testimony, that he was under so great a damp, so dark a cloud for three or four days before that abundant consolation and joy with which the Lord filled him, which you will find narrated by himself in his dying words. How agreeable is this to the Lord's usual way of dealing with his saints ! He wounds and then heals, smites and then binds up: they are pressed out of measure, above strength, not only at conversion, but often in his dealings Avith them through their life, both as to their outward and inward condition, and often signally at death. This glorious method is worthy of God, and nobly advances his blessed desio-ns about his own.

o

3. The constant and unususd composure of spirit he had is remarkable : though he was under very tormenting pain during the last days of his sickness, yet not one impatient word dropped from him ; though he slept little all the five last days, and spoke much, yet not one raving word was ever heard from him; which, as ye will find him often admiring it, so it was a wonder to all who were present.

4. With what life, what a peculiar emotion of spirit, what fervour, did he utter his last words ! How refresh- ing, affecting, and astonishing this was, all present well remember; and though we had all his dying words, this is still wanting, nor can it be described by us. Now, should not that endear this saint's testimony to religion?

5. How prudently did he address himself to persons, ministers or private Christians, that visited him, accord-

THE PREFACE TO THE READER. Xlll

ing to their various ranks, principles, conditions, and circumstances! He spoke with the nicest caution to them, even then; which was very surprising.

6. And especially, that all this was spoken by him in the view of approaching death (for neither he nor others conceived the least probability of his recovery after he took bed) — death, the king of terrors, the most terrible of all terrible objects to an impenitent sinner, and that nothing can make easy and sweeten, but the precious fruits of our Lord's death and sufferings ; yet even then what a calm on his soul ! What submission to it did he show ! What boldness in facing this last enemy ! With what concern and passion was he panting for death! IIow welcome was it to him! His own w^ords will testify this. One of the opposite way, and not the meanest for sense, said, he never saw one so willing to die. Now, whence is all this? how^ can this be?

Pagan moralists and philosophers talked of their cor- dials against death; but when it came to the push, they found them all insipid and useless. Hardened, desperate atheists, and besotted, stupid epicures, have shut their eyes on danger. The presumptuous and deluded hypo- crite may feign submission to death, pretend a hope of heaven, and hold fast his groundless and rotten hope; yet when they turn their faces to the wall, how sour and chagrined does the sight of pale and grim death make them! Their hearts sink in them as stones, or else are forced to bewray a restless disquiet and perplexity.

A graceless, bold, and furious soldier may court death, rush on it, and pretend to defy it in the field. Some prodigies of wickedness, given up of God, from a base cowardice and impatience, have dai-ed to be their

■KM. THE PREFACE TO THE READER.

himself notice this ! May we not appeal to dying saints, in the words of Joshua to Israel, if any one thing hath failed of all the good things the Lord had promised to them? " As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is tried; he is a buckler to all those that trust in him."

And, to conclude, may we not say, " There is a reward for the righteous ; verily there is a God that judgeth in the earth?" How can we douht of this, since the saints see the salvation of God ? They feel and taste this in their life, and at death have a very heaven antedated in their souls. What clusters of the fruits of the promised land from Eshcol, what sweet earnests and pledges, what infallible forerunners of heaven have they, both as to their exercise and enjoyment day and night, for some time in their life, and especially in their last trial, when near to eternity ! of which our dear friend, as you will see from his dying words, had so sweet experience.

SHORT ACCOUNT

OF

THE BIETH PAEENTAGE, AND CHAKACTEIl

OF

THE EEV. THOMAS HALYBUETON,

WITH SOME OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES OP HIS LIFE.

Mr. Thomas Halyburton, professor of divinity in the new college at St. Andrews, was born at Duplin, in the parish of Aberdalgy, December 25, 1674, of worthy and godly parents, Mr. George Halyburton and Mar- garet Playfair. His father was descended of the family of Pitcur, in the county of Angus, and was minister of the parish of Aberdalgy, in the presbytery of Perth, out of which he was ejected by the then government in the year 1662, as about three hundred more ministers were also summarily, without any legal process, simply for nonconformity to prelacy.

Mr. George Halyburton, who was then bishop of Dimkeld, and had been a zealous covenanter, suddenly became so forward for the national defection, and so cruel a persecutor of his once fellow-presbyters, that he would not spare him more than others, though he was his

B

18 A SHORT ACCOUNT OF THE

near kinsman, but turned him out of liis charge ; and yet that prelate was scarcely well w^arm in his nest, when the Lord smote himself with sore sickness, of which he died, and went to his place.

Immediately after he was thus persecuted, that choice and pious gentleman, the sole heritor of the said parish, who was one among a thousand in such an evil time, and afterward suffered much for nonconformity, gave him a house to dwell in at Duplin, beside himself; was his ordinary hearer, and while he lived showed no small kindness to him; which deserves a thankful remem- brance from his relations.

His father never repented his faithfulness in adhering to the covenanted w^ork of reformation, but rejoiced that he had been honoured to suffer on that account; and when he fell asleep in the Lord in the year 1682, in the fifty-fifth year of his age, he died in the faith of this, that God would deliver his church from the then sore persecution it was under.

His mother was daughter to Mr. Andrew Playfair, the first minister of Aberdalgy parish, after the reformation from popery, to whom her husband succeeded a little before the restoration of prelacy. She was allied to some of the best families in the kingdom by her mother, of which here I shall forbear a particular account. But Avhat was their far greater glory, both of them, from their youth up, were truly religious. His mother ex- celled many of her own sex for knowledge of the prin- ciples of religion, and an uncommon memory of the Scriptures: she would have exactly repeated many of the choicest chapters of the Bible.

They had a numerous family ; no less than eleven children, and very sickly: all of them died young, ex- cept their eldest daughter Janet, and this their son, Mr. Thomas; but to sweeten these trials, they had peculiar comfort in the death of their children. Some even of

REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 1 9

the youngest of them gave singular evidences of their dying in the Lord, which some yet ahve well remember.

AVhen his father died, he was happy to be under the care of such a mother. The episcopal persecution for nonconformity daily growing, she, with her son-in-law and daughter, were forced for their safety to withdraw to Holland, and they took hun along wdth them while he was very young. He quickly learned the Dutch, and went to Erasmus' school to learn the Latin. There they sojourned till August, 1 687, at which time they returned home, narrowly escaping shipwreck.

At their return he went to the school, and afterwards to the university, where he made great proficiency, be- yond many of his equals. When he had finished his course there, he entered as chaplain to a noble family, where one who had been his school-fellow, and had drunk in the principles of the deists, began to attack him on that side, which obliged him, rn the beginning of his studies, to read that controversy carefully; and what progress he made in this will appear from his book against the deists. He could not attend lessons of divinity in any of our colleges while in that family; and though he had read divinity only two years, the presbytery of Kirkaldy importimed him to enter on trials, and he was licensed by them to preach, Jime 22, 1699.

He w^s settled minister in Ceres parish, May 1, 1700. In 1701 he was married to Janet Watson, a virtuous and pious gentlewoman, daughter to Mr. David Watson, an heritor in the parish of St. Andrews, a zealous, good man, and one who suffered much in the late times for nonconformity. His relict survives, with six children, one son and five daughters, besides two sons and a daughter who died.

Some few years after his settlement at Ceres, his health broke, and his indisposition daily increased, so that he

20 A SHORT ACCOUNT OF THE

-was hardly able to go through his ministerial work in that large parish.

In April, 1710, having received a patent from her majesty, and an invitation from the presbytery, he was •transported by the synod of Fife to the professorship of di\dnity in the new college of St. Andrews.

In September 23, 1712, at seven in the morning, he slept in Jesus, "and him will the Lord bring with him."

He was of low stature, his body but thin and small; his hair black, but his complexion pretty clear and fair.

In April, 1711, a dangerous sickness seized him, which obliged the physicians at several times to take from him about forty-four ounces of blood. He re- covered, and went abroad again; but his wasted body never attained the small strength he had before this sick- ness. Shortly after, his arms and legs became a little benumbed and insensible, and also swelled, which at his death increased greatly. But oh, how noble a spirit, how great a soul dwelt in this weak and frail body !

He was naturally of a very pleasant and desirable tem- per. He had an equal and cheerful spirit, which he retained under surprising vicissitudes. This evenness of temper appeared much in his fre.j^uent and dangerous sickness. He had a calm, peaceable, healing disposition, and yet was bold as a lion in his Master's cause. He had a peculiar talent for composing differences. How afflicting the prospect of divisions was to him, the fol- lowing pages -will testify: and had some others been blessed with more of this spirit, his and om* fears had been utterly disappointed. He was master of a con- siderable stock of prudence ; he studied to walk in wis- dom toward them that are without and them that are within, and to become all things to all men. He was dexterous in observing tempers, and in addressing and managing persons. How wisely he carried himself in church judicatories, whereof he was a member, others

REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 21

can Tvitness. He abhorred that unedifying converse that is spent in frequent and unseasonable jesting and drol- lery, so common ^\ith. many; though he was abundantly facetious in company, when and where he saw it ex- pedient; and this way sometimes he has dropped what tended to edify. Those who conversed most with him will o'svn, they seldom enjoyed his company without some profit by it. He often was uneasy after much con- verse with others, if he was not edified himself, or thought he did not edify others. Hoav circumspect and tender was the strain of his walk in this ! He often re- gretted the difficulty there was to retain integrity in the most part of company in this degenerate age : he reckoned such company a great hardship, and loath would he be to have let anything offensive in conversa- tion go without a check.

The follo-vving Memoirs will witness his walking Avith God in his family and closet. But some things here I cannot pass. It was his ordinary practice, except he had been necessarily hindered, to come from his closet to family worship, especially if the Lord had given him enlargement of heart, and if his spirit was in a due frame ; he would then have been very uneasy if any interrup- tion fell in betwixt closet and family duties. He also commonly expounded the word of God, at least once a day, in his family. The night before family fasts which he kept, or national fasts, he always directed his servants how to manage that work ; and on the fast days themselves discoursed to them about their souls' condition and concerns. He was an affectionate and dutiful husband, a conscientious and kind parent, a faithful and easy master. Such as knew him will own he had a clear head, a very ready and rare invention, and an imcommon memory. He read little after his health broke, and often owned that his greatest im- provement was more by thinking than reading. He

52 A SHORT ACCOUNT OF THE

had a very ready way of expressing his thoughts. He was far from a vain, airy affectation of language in preaching — a prevailing evil in this time ; he had studied an even, neat, and scriptural style, and this became natural, though some thought in the end that his deep thinking made it a little more abstruse than formerly, to a popular auditory. He had choice pulpit gifts ; he was an accurate and pathetic preacher, a great textuary, close in handling any truth he discoursed ; and in the application, he was home, warm, and search- ing ; and in this he showed himself usually a skilful casuist. He often complained that some worthy men were too general and bare in the application of their doctrines.

He ordinarily ^vrote his sermons very exactly, when health and business would allow. He used to say, " A lazy minister in his younger years would make a poor old man." It were to be wished that this example were more followed than it is. He often ventured to preach under great indisposition, when he was not able to Avrite so much as the heads of his sermon, yea, even at sacraments ; and he has been singularly assisted, to the conviction of all who heard him. In his last two years he wrote little, his health was then so low. His experience of the power of godliness, with his other gifts mentioned, made him very skilful to deal with wounded spirits, according to the variety of their cases ; and this converse, he owTied, was extremely useful to himself. Few ministers have taken a more cautious and confirming way of dealing with people than he did before he admitted them to the sacrament ; and while in health, he was diligent in the other parts of his ministerial work.

He was no less singularly fitted for the schools. He spoke elegant Latin promptly, though he had been long in the disuse of it, and was scarce at any pains to

REV. THOMAS HALYEURTON. 23

recover it, which: was much admired. He was very expert in the Greek, but his sickness broke his desigii to accomplish himself in the Oriental languages. In controversies, especially those of the time, he excelled many. It was strange to see how quickly he would have taken up the state of a controversy, the strength of an adversary, seen through his deceitful sophistry and pretences, and how close and nervous his reasoning usually was.

Now, on the whole, what a loss, especially in this juncture, may we justly reckon the death of this great little man to the poor wrestling church of Scotland, to the place he lived in, and to his family. Alas ! what shall we say ? What gi'eat thoughts of heart may it cause, when such a green olive tree, fair, and of goodly fruit, is cut doMH ; when such bright stars set, yea, even constellations of them, in om" day ! May we not justly fear, when such wrestlers with God are taken off, as he on his death-bed comments on such damping provi- dences, that " the consumption decreed shall overflow with righteousness?" (Isa. x. 22.)

MEMOIKS

OFTHB

LIFE OE REV. THOMAS HALYBUETON,

WRITTEN DY HIMSELF SOME YEARS BEFORE RIS DEATH.

INTRODUCTION.

Tile common occurrences of the life of one in'all respects so inconsiderable are not wortli recording, and, if recorded, could be of little use either to myself or others; wherefore, it is none of my design to waste time or paper with these. But if I can recount the Lord's gracious conduct toward me, the state of matters before and under the Lord's special dealings with me, in a way of conviction, illumination, conversion, con- solation, and edification, and compact them so as to discover, not only the parts of this work, the several advances it made, the opposition made to it, its victory over the opposition of my own heart, Satan, and the world, but also to present the work in its order and issue, it may be of great use to my 0"\vn establishment ; and if ever it should fall into the hands of any other Christian, it might not be without use, considering that the work of the Lord in all is, as to the substance, the same and uniform ; and as " face answers to face " in a glass, so does one Christian's experience answer an- other's, and both to the word. (Prov. xxvii. 19.)

This being the design of this narrative : to give some account of the Lord's work with me, and my way with him, in so far as I remember it from my birth to this day, I shall proceed to it.

26 MEMOIRS OF THE

PAET L

«

NARRATING THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FROM THE TIME OF MY BIRTH, TILL I WAS ABOUT TEN YEARS OF AGE, OR THEREBY.

I CAME into the world not only under the guilt of that offence wjiereby many, nay, all, were made sinners, and on the account whereof judgment passed upon all men to condemnation (Rom. v. 19) ; but, moreover, I brought with me a nature wholly corrupted — a heart wholly set in me to do evil. (Job xiv. 4; Ps. li. 5; Eccles. ix. 3.) This the testimony of God in the word satisfies me of. And herein I am strongly confirmed by undoubted ex- perience, that fully convinceth me that from the morning of my days, while under the advantage of gospel light, the inspection of godly parents, and not yet corrupted by custom, the imaginations of my heart, and the tenor of my life, were evil, only evil, and continually so. (Gen. vi. 5, viii. 21.)

It cannot be expected that, at so great a distance, I should remember the particulars of that first three or four years of my life ; yet I may on the justest grounds presume that they were filled up with those sins that cleave to children in their infancy, many of which are not only evil, as they flow from a poisoned root — " for an evil tree will bring forth corrupt fruit" (Matt. vii. 17) — but do also bear the impress of, and an evident congruity to, their corrupted source, and taste strong of

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 27

that root of bitterness whereon they grow. AVhile we are yet on the breasts, inbred corruption breaks forth ; and before we give any tolerable evidence that we are rational, Ave give full evidence that we are coiTupted. (Ps. Iviii. 3.) We show that we are inclined to evil by pressing w^ith impatience and eagerness for what is hurtful ; and our aversion to good, by refusing with the greatest obstinacy what is fit, proper, and useful to us. At first we are only employed about sensible things, and about them we give the first evidences that our natures are corrupt ; and with the first appearances of reason, the corruption of our spirit discovers itself. HoAV early do our actings discover passion, pride, revenge, dissimulation, and sensuality to be inlaid, as it were, in our very constitution ! Any ordinary observer may discern instances innumerable of this sort very early in children. With these and the like evils, no doubt, were the first years of my life, whereof I remem- ber little, filled up : " Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, and we go aside as soon as bom, speaking lies." (Prov. xxii. 5 ; Ps. Iviii. 3.)

In this first period of my life, I had advantages above most. My parents were eminently religious ; I was trained up under their eyes and inspection, for most part. I continually heard the sound of divine truths ringing in my ears, in their instructions ; and I had the beauty of the practice of religion continually represented to my eyes in their walk. I was by their care kept from ill company that might infect me. By these means I was restrained from those grosser out- breakings that children often run into, and habituated to a form of religion, and put upon the performing of such outward duties of religion as my years were capa- ble of. Hence it appears that the sin, I now am fully convinced, that I wallowed in during this tract of time is not to be imputed, either as to inclination or actings,

28 MEMOIRS OF THE

merely to contracted custom, or occasional temptations ; but it really was the genuine fruit and result of that lamentable bias which man since the fall is bom yviih. Surely the spring must be within, when, notwithstanding all the care taken to keep me from them, I impetuously went on in sinful courses. The holy God hedged up my way by precepts, example, discipline ; but I broke through all. Surely the spring must be within ; and surely it must be very strong that was able to bear do^Ya such powerful mounds as were set in its way by the providence of God, and run wath so full a stream, notwithstanding that all outward occasions of its increase were cut off, as much as might be. Herein I have a full evidence of a heart naturally estranged from, nay, opposite to, the Lord. And besides, this deeply aggra- vates my guilt. " And they have turned unto me the back, and not the face ; though I taught them, rising up early and teaching them, yet they have not hearkened to receive instruction." (Jer. xxxii. 33.)

The care of my father during his life, which ended October 16*82, and of my mother after his death, though very great, did not change, but only hide, nature; which is indeed often hidden, sometimes overcome — seldom extinguished. Albeit I cannot remember all the particu- lars from the fourth or fifth year of my life, yet so far do I remember what the general bent of my heart was from that time. Upon a review, I must confess that it was wholly set against the Lord. " The carnal mind is enmity against God, is not subject to the law of God, nor can it indeed be." (Rom. viii. 7.)

To confirm this; when I now survey the decalogue, and review this portion of my time, notmthstanding of the great distance, I do distinctly remember, and were it to edification, could condescend upon particular in- stances of the opposition of my heart unto each of its precepts. Whatever influence education may have in

LIFE OP REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 29

moulding what is seen, yet surely, " tlie imaginations of man's heart are evil from his youth up." (Gen. viii.

21.)

True it is, through the influence of the means before mentioned, I did all this while abominate the more gross breaches of all the commands, and dislike open sin. But meanwhile my heart was set upon the less discern- ible violations of the same holy law. My quarrel was not ^\'ith sin, but the consequences of it; and the main thing I regarded was the world's opinion of it. Fear of punishment, pride that fears to be ill thought of, or, at best, a natural conscience enlightened by education, Avere the only springs of any performances of duty, or absti- nence from sin. Prone I was all this while to sin, even of all sorts which that age is carried into, in secret, when I could say that " no eye shall see me." (Job xxiv. 15.) They who, for credit, or other such induce- ments, may seem averse to sin, yet will make bold in the dark with the worst sins. " Son of man, hast thou seen what the ancients of the house of Israel do in the dark, every man in the chambers of his imagery? For they say, The Lord seeth us not, the Lord hath forsaken the earth." (Ezek. viii. 12.)

Even those things Avhich, in my way, seemed good and promising, such as detestation of gross sins, per- formance of duties, &c., were either purely the effects of a forcible custom, a bribe to a natural conscience to hold its peace, a sacrifice to self, a slavish performance of what I took no delight in to avoid the whip, or sometimes a charm to keep me from danger, Avhich I thought would befall me, and di-eaded much if I neglect- ed prayer. Thus my best things dreadfully increased my guilt ; being like the apples of Sodom, fair to look at, promising while untried, but within full of ashes and noisome matter. " When ye fasted and mourned in the fifth and seventh months, even those seventy years, did

30 MEMOIltS OP THE

ye at all fast unto me, even to me? And when ye did eat, and when ye did drink, did ye not eat for yomrselves?" (Zech. vii. 5, 6.) " Bring no more vain oblations; in- cense is an abomination to me ; the new moons and Sab- baths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting." (Isa. i. 13.)

Thus the spring of corruption dammed in on the one side, I mean as to open profanity, by the mounds of education, breaks out on the other side, in a form of re- ligion, without, nay, plainly opposite to, the power of it, "which is no less hateful to the holy God. " The prayer of the "wicked is sin, his sacrifice an abomination." (Prov. xxi. 27, xv. 8, xxi. 4.) Sin in the one case has a little varnish that hides its deformity somewhat from the eyes of men : in the other, it is seen in its na- tive hues and colours. In the one case, it runs under ground; in the other, it openly follows its course. " Some men's sins are open beforehand, going before them into judgment, and others follow after." (1 Tim. V. 24.) Whether the one or the other, the odds is not great. The tree is known by its fruit. " A corrupt tree cannot bring forth good fruit." (Matt. xii. 33.) Sometimes it may bring forth good-like fruit.

But yet, after all, I must confess that such was the strength of corruption, that it drove me to several of the more plain and gross sins incident to this age; which though some account pardonable follies in children, yet the Lord makes another reckoning of them, and sundry of them have been made bitter to me ; such as lying to avoid punishment. Sabbath-breaking, revenge, hatred of my reprovers, and others of a like nature. Some par- ticular sins committed in childhood, which I had quite forgot, as being attended with no notable circumstances that could make them stick, rather than other things, and being of an older date than anything else I can re- member, were brought fresh to my remembrance, when

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 31

the Lord began closely to convince of sin; and being presented in their native colours, in the light of the Lord, and in all the circumstances of time, place, part- ners in sin, &c., were made the matter of my deep hu- miliation, loathing, and self-abhorrence, as not only full of wickedness in themselves, but pregnant evidences of the deepest- natural depravity: which made me see to whom it was owing that I went- not to all the heights in wickedness, and the grossest abominations that ever any were carried to, and which a haughty heart, if not restrained seasonably, partly by secret power, and partly by outward means, would inevitably have carried me to. " Folly is bound up in the heart of a child." (Pro v. xxii. 15) — deeply rooted and fastened there: and no thanks to the best, that they are kept from the worst things! " And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me; and blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine o\^'^l hand. For in very deed, as the Lord God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall." (1 Sam. xxv. 32-84.) What a mon- ster, had I been, if left to myself, and not seasonably re- • strained by outward means, and inward power ! Blessed be the invisible hand, and the outward instruments of this restraint, that kept me back from sinning.

These are but a very few of the innumerable evils that cleaved to me in this sinful period of my life; for " who can understand his errors?" (Ps. xix. 12.) This period was altogether sinful and vain; nay, sin and vanity in the abstract. " Childhood is vanity." (Eccles. xi. 10.) And all this is deeply aggravated by my stupid unconcernedness about them all the while.

32 MEMOIRS OF THE

Notwithstanding of them all, " I was clean in mine o^Yn. eyes, though not washed" from my pollutions, in the puddle whereof I had long wallowed. (Prov. xxx. 12.) I was whole as to my own sense, though the plague- sore run upon me. " While I thought I stood in need of nothing, I was poor, miserable, wretched, blind, and naked." (Rev. iii. 17.) " How canst thou say, T am not polluted, I have not gone after Baalim? See thy way iii the valley, know what thou hast done," &c. " I have not found it by secret search, but upon all these. Yet thou sayest, because I am innocent, surely his anger shall turn from me. Behold, I will plead with thee, because thou sayest, I have not sinned." (Jer. ii. 23, 34, 35.)

REFLECTIONS ON THIS FIRST PERIOD.

"When I consider how many sins long since done and forgotten, many of them of an older date than anything else I remember, and in their commission attended mth no such remarkable circumstances as can rationally be supposed to have made any deep impression on the memory, and so have any influence in their recovery after so long oblivion, were now by the Lord brought to mind with unusual distinctness, I cannot but herein observe — 1. What exact notice the holy God takes, and how deeply he resents those things which men generally will scarcely allow to be faults, or at most but mean ones^pardonable follies, rather than sins. God eai-ly observed that man's imaginations are evil from his youth, and will have us mind, and be humbled for the sms that have cleaved to us from our youth. " This hath been thy manner from thy youth, that thou obey- edst not my voice" (Jer. xxii. 21), is an aggravation of

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 33

Other sins lie charges on his people, and in itself one heavy article. 2. How much reason is there for reck- oning it up as one great part of the wicked's misery, that they " lie down in their graves with hones full of the sins of youth!" (Job xx. 11.) How much reason is there for David's prayer, that God may not " remem- ber against him the sins of his youth!" (Ps. xxv. 7.) How just reason have we often, with Job, to say, that in the strokes that fall on us in riper years, God is making us to possess the iniquities of our youth ! (Job xiii. 26.) How much reason have we, with holy Augustine, to con- fess and mourn over the sins of childhood, and trace original con-uption in its first outbreakings, even up to infancy! {Aug. Conf.^ lib. i.) 3. I here observe, what an exact register conscience, God's deputy, keeps; how early it begins to mark ; how accm-ate it is, even when it seems to take no notice : and to what a length it will go in justifying God's severity against sinners at the last day: how distinctly and clearly it will read it out, and how far up it will fetch its accounts of those evils which we remember nothing of, when God shall open its eyes to read what is ^\Titten, and discern those prints which, as Job says, God sets upon the heels of our feet (Job xiii. 27), and give it a com.mission to tell us of them, when the " books shall be opened, and the dead, small and great, judged out of them." (Rev. xx. 12.)

When I review this first period of my life, what rea- son do I see to be ashamed and even confounded, to think that I have spent ten years of a short life without almost a rational thought, and undoubtedly any that was not sinful ! " After that I was instructed, I smote upon my thigh : I Avas ashamed, yea, even confounded, because I did bear the reproach of my youth." (Jer. xxxi. 19.)

The whole of what I have set down before being matter of undoubted experience, of which I can no more

c

34 MEMOIRS OF THE

doubt than of ^yhat I now see and feel; I have herein a strong confirmation of my faith as to the guilt of Adam's sin, its imputation to his posterity, and of my concernment therein in particular. For — 1. The bent of my soul, from a child, was set against the Lord. Nor was this the effect of custom and education; for there was a sweet conspiracy of precept, discipline, and ex- ample, of those Avith whom I conversed, during this first part of my life, to carry me another way. Nor can I charge the fault of this on my constitution of body, or any such thing as might be alleged to proceed from my parents in a natural way. For those lusts which are of the mind, and are not influenced by any consti- tution of body, were as strong, sensible, active, and pre- valent as any other; nay, more than those which may be pretended to depend on the frame of the body. (Eph. ii. 3.) And as my soul in its accursed inclinations was thus opposite to the Lord, so the opposition was of that strength and force as was not to be suppressed, much less to be overcome and subdued, by the utmost care of parents, and the best outward means. This is undoubted fact. 2. I cannot at all conceive it consistent with the wisdom, goodness, or equity of God, to send me thus into the world, without any fault on my part. To say I was thus originally framed without respect to any sin chargeable on me, is a position so full of flat contrariety to all the notions I can entertain of the Deity, that cannot think of it without horror, much less can I be- lieve and give assent to it. 3. Penal, then, tliis con*up- tion must be, as death and diseases are. And whereof can it be a punishment, if not of Adam's sin? While those things are so plain in fact, and the deduction so easy from them, whatever subtle arguments any use to overthroAV this truth, I have no reason to be much shaken or moved with them, or call the truth in ques- tion. If once I am sure that God has done a thing,

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. S5

there is no room left for disputing its equity. I am sure I was corrupt from my infancy. I am siu*e God could not liaye made me so Avithout cause, or sent me into the world in such a case, if it had not been for some fault wherein I am concerned. If there is any attempt to charge God on this score, I look upon it as highly in- jurious. There is no more left for me in this case, but humbly to endeavour to clear God of any seeming hard- ship. If we cannot easily do this, then I will much rather own my ignorance, and stoop under his incom- prehensibility, than lay any charge of injustice against him. This has staid my soul against the most subtle arguings of men of perverse minds, and even of Satan, who hath often assaulted me in this instance. Be their arguments what they will, " Behold, in this they are not just : I will answer thee, that God is greater than man. "Why dost thou strive against him? For he giveth not an account of any of his matters;" that he may withdraw man from this, among other evil purposes, of measm'ing God by his short line, and hide pride from his eye. (Job xxxiii. 12, 13, 17.)

Hence, also, I am taught what estimate to make of the pretendedly good and virtuous inclinations where- \Wth some are, by deists and pelagians, alleged to be born. If it be not in those few and rare instances of the early efficacy of sanctifying grace, all that which is looked on as good, is really no more but the fruit of education, custom, occasional restraints, freedom from temptation, or perhaps a natural temper influenced by some of these, and by the constitution of the body, to somewhat of opposition to those grosser actings of sin which make the most noise in the Avorld. In a word, whatever there is of this, save in the rare instances be- fore mentioned, is but sin mider a disguise. The odds is not great. The one sort of sinners seem to promise good fruit, but deceive; whereas the openly profane give

36 MEMOIRS OF THE

a plain refusal, and forbid expectations. And yet of this last sort more receive the gospel than of the former : " But Avhat think ye? A certain man had two sons, and he came to the first, and said. Son, go work to-day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not; but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said like\\dse. And he answered and said, I go, sir; and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him. The first. Jesus saith unto them, Yerily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you." (Matt. xxi. 28, 31.)

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 37

PAET IT.

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF THE RISE, PROGRESS, INTER- RUPTIONS REVIVALS, AND ISSUES OF THE LORD's STRIV- INGS WITH ME, DURING THE TEN OR ELEVEN ENSUING YEARS OF MY LIFE, FROM MAY 1685, TO AUGUST 1696.

CHAPTER I.

Containing an account of the first rise of any concern about religion — its result; revivals and other occur- rences thereto relating for the first tico years of this time.

In the month of May 1685, my mother helng by the heat of the persecution obHged to retire to Holland, I went along with her. While we were at sea, being in some real or apprehended danger, my conscience, which had for all the bygone ten years, so far as I can now remember, been fast asleep, began to awaken. I was challenged for sin, terrified with the apprehensions of hell and death, and the -vvrath of God, which I had no thought about before I was brought to this distress: *' They have turned their back unto me, and not their face: but in the time of their trouble they will say, Arise, and save us." (Jer. ii. 27.)

All this concern was nothing more than a sad mix- ture of natural fear, and a selfish desire of preservation

38 ME3I0IRS OP THE

from the danger tliat was supposed imminent, at least by me. Peace, acceptance, communion with God, came not much in my thoughts. I was afraid and unwiUing to die ; I would gladly have been out of danger of hell. This was all my exercise at this time. It was not sin, but death, its consequence, I was concerned to be rid of: " Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in haste ; and he said, I have sinned against the Lord your God, and against you. Now therefore forgive, I pray thee, my sin only this once, and entreat the Lord your God, that he may take away from me this death only." (Exod. X. 16, IT.)

As this exercise was wholly selfish, without any con- cern for the Lord's glory, so it led me to selfish courses for relief. I promised that, were I at land, I w^ould live and be better than formerly; I engaged to keep all God's commands. My mother told me I was in a mistake, and would not hold there. But there was no persuading one so ignorant of his o^\ti heart, as I at this time was, of this. I multiplied engagements, and doubted not myself as to the performance : " And the people answered and said, God forbid that we should forsake the Lord, to serve other gods. And Joshua said unto the people. Ye cannot serve the Lord; for he is an holy God. And the people said unto Joshua, Nay, but we will serve the Lord." (Josh. xxiv. 16, 19, 21.)

No sooner was I come to land, and fixed at Rotter- dam, but I verified what had been foretold. I forgot all my promises and resolutions. The unrenewed and corrupt heart being free from the force put upon it by the natural conscience under appearance of hazard, took its old course. I returned to former e^dls, and grew worse. Corruption, that had been dammed in for a little, having easily forced down all these mounds raised to hold it in, ran with the greater violence. It is true, through the mercy of God, I was still restrained

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 39

from open and scandalous sins; toward wliicli the awe of my godly and prudent mother and principles of edu- cation did contribute not a little: but as to secret evils of all sorts I had no aversion to them; nay, to many of them I was strongly inclined, and in many instances followed my own inclinations. I was a ready and easy prey to ever}'- temptation, notwithstanding all my en- gagements : " And thou saidst, I will not transgress ; when upon eyery high hill, and under every green tree thou wanderest, playing the harlot." (Jer. ii. 20.)

]\Iy sins, in this place, had this grievous aggravation, that they were against greater light, and more of the means of grace than I had formerly enjoyed. On the Lord's-day we had three sermons, and two lectures in the Scots Church; on Thursday a sermon there likewise. On Tuesday one of the suffering ministers by turns preached. There was a meeting for prayer on Wednes- day. On Monday and Friday night Mr. James Kirk- ton commonly lectured in his family. On Saturday he catechised the children of the Scots sufferers who came to him. My mother took care to have me attend most of these occasions, was careful to keep me to duty, was not wanting in advice, correction, prayer with and for me; she obliged me to read the Scriptures and other edifplng books. But so far were all these from obtain- ing a due effect on me, that I was weary of them, and w^ent on in sin : " TVhat could have been done more \yiz.i in point of outward means] to my vineyard, that I have not done in it ? Wherefore, when I looked that it should have brought forth grapes, brought it forth wild grapes?" (Isa. v. 4.) " Ye said also j^viz., of the Lord's service]]. Behold what a weariness is it, and ye have snuffed at it, saith the Lord of hosts: and ye brought that which was torn, and the lame, and the sick ; thus ye have brought an offering: should I accept this of your hand ? saith the Lord:" (Mai. i. 13.)

40 MEMOIRS OF THE

At tliis time 1 wanted not frequent convictions, occa- sioned sometimes by the preaching of the word, and at other seasons by the light of my education, which still hung about me, and was a check upon me; but all these were only like the starts of a sleeping man, occa- sioned by some sudden noise — up he gets, but presently he is down, and faster asleep than before. I fjund means to get rid of these convictions. — 1. I would, when they were uneasy, promise them a hearing after- wards: " And as Paul reasoned of righteousness, tem- perance, and judgment to come, Felix trembled, and answered. Go thy Avay; when I have a convenient season, I will call for thee." (Acts xxiv. 25.) 2. At other seasons, I looked to the tendency of them, that they aimed at engaging me to be holy, and then I pored upon the difficulties of that course, till I not only got the edge of my convictions blunted, but frighted myself from a compliance: " The slothful man saith, There is a lion without, I shall be slain in the streets." (Prov. xxii. 13.) 3. When convictions were lighter, I got rid of them by withdrawing from the means : " If any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholdinof his natural face in a glass: for he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was." (James i. 23, 24.) 4. Sometimes I promised them fair, and so put them off at the time, but minded it not afterwards: "And he said to the second likewise; and he ansAvered, I go, sir; and went not." (Matt. xxi. 30.) 5. Sometimes they issued in fruitless, inactive, and slothful wishes: " The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing. The desire of the slothful killeth him: for his hands refuse to labour." (Prov. xiii. 4, xxi. 25.) 6. At other times when they were trouble- some, I turned my eye to something which I thought good, in my way, though, the Lord knows, little was

LIFE OF REY. THOMAS IIALYBURTON. 41

there that had so much as any tolerable appearance of good; yet so foolish was I that I rested here, as if this had been not only enough to atone for bygones, but procure good at God's hand : " Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, the other a pub- lican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extor- tioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican," &c. (Luke xviii. 10-12.) 7. Sometimes I endeavoured to diminish my sin as much as I could: " In all my labours they shall find no iniquity in me that were sin." (Hos. xii. 8.) 8. "When these shifts failed, and they were still uneasy, I then betook m\self to diver- sions, and they choked the word and convictions from it: " And that which fell among thorns are they which, when they have heard, go forth, and are choked with cares, and riches, and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to perfection." (Luke viii. 14.)

About this time, I met with some things that crossed me. Hereon I turned thoughtful what way to rid my- self of these difficulties. I seemed more than ordinarily concerned, and my spirit was much troubled ; yet really this strait led me not to God. But my thoughts were spent in resentments against the real or supposed authors of my uneasiness — in proud, selfish, and vain contrivances for mine OAvn ease and relief: " The ■wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts." (Ps. X. 4.) " They cry out by reason of the arm of the mighty: but none saith. Where is God my maker, who giveth songs in the night?" (Job xxxv. 9, 10.) " And thou didst look in that day to the armour of the

house of the forest But ye have not looked

unto the maker thereof, neither had respect to him that fashioned it long ago." (Isa. xxii. 8, 11.)

About the month of December 1686, upon the earnest

42 MEMOIRS OF THE

desire of my father's sister, married to John Glass, provost of Perth, I was sent home. While I stayed in this family, I saw nothing of religion, though my aunt was a woman very moral. Here I was much indulged. I got liberty, and I took it. I saw little of the worskip of God, and I easily complied, and turned remiss too. What further advances toward an open rejection of the very form of religion I made in this place I do not now, at this distance, distinctly remember; but no doubt they were great. This I do remember, that I found my aversion to those sins which, through the influence of education, I abominated before, sensibly weakened; yea, I found some secret hankering after some of them, a delight in those who were guilty of them, and a sort of approbation of them in my heart. Yet still I was, in a great measure, restrained from an avowed practical compliance, by the awful impressions early instruction had left on my mind, which were not as yet wholly worn off; though far were they decayed, considering the shortness of my stay. Whence I may easily dis- cern what had become of them if I had stayed longer here. Further, I mind that at this time I had a great aversion to learning, which was the only good thing that in this place was urged upon me. I looked on it as a burden and drudgery, to w hich the basest employ- ments were to be preferred, and hence I no way set my heart to it, but trifled my time away. And many a sinful shift did I betake myself to, that I might get the lime shuffled over: " Thus I hated instruction, and cast God's words behind my back. When thou sawest a thief, then thou consentedst with him, and hast been partaker with adulterers. These things hast thou done, and I kept silence; thou thoughtest that I was alto- gether such a one as thyself." (Ps. 1. 17, 18, 21.)

Thus I spent the winter. In the spring 1687, rny mother, fearing that I might be ensnared with the com-

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 43

pany 1 was now amongst, came home for me, as mind- ing the wdse man's observation : " The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." (Prov. xxix. 15.) But so great was my wickedness, that in spite of natural affection, I was grieved at her return ; and when first I heard her voice, it damped me — I cared not to see her. Nothing I dis- liked more than a godly and affectionate mother's con- verse. I feared to be questioned as to bygones. I feared she would carry me away back to Holland, whereby I should be put under uneasy restraints from my sinful liberty: " But thou saidst. There is no hope: no; for I have loved strangers, and after them I will go." (Jer. ii. 25.)

In the spring, or towards summer, my mother carried me with her, much against my will, and put me to school there, at Erasmus' school. I stayed but a short while there. But the advantageous method of teaching took with me; I began to delight in learning, and quickly turned proud of my success, but otherwise lived as I had done before, still worse and worse, under all the means God made use of to bring me near, and keep me close to him : " As the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah; that they might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and for a praise, and for a glory: but they would not hear." (Jer. xiii. 11.)

44 MEMOIRS OF THE

CHAPTER II.

Containing an account of the revival of convictions, thdr effects^ progress^ issues, and interruptioiu, from the close of 1687 to 1690 or 1691, when I went from Perth to stay at Edinburgh.

In the month of February 1687, king James emitted his proclamations for indulgence. Whereon most of those who had fled, ventured home ; and my mother amongst others, toward August or September of that year. It had been for my advantage, probably, for my education, to have stayed here, which made me miwill- ing to retm-n. In our return, we were in imminent danger of ship^Teck on the Scars of England, but by the mercy of God escaped. The danger was sudden, and suddenly over, and so left little or no impression on me. When we came home w^e fixed at Perth, and abode there till harvest 1690 or 1691, I cannot be posi- tive which. What was my case as to my soul concerns during this t*ime, so far as I remember, I shall here narrate.

Presently upon our settlement in this place, I was entered to school, and made some better proficiency than before. But as to religion, I continued as unconcerned as ever — as intent upon sin, as averse to duty as formerly. Plowever I carried under my mother s eye, when I was among my comrades I took my liberty, and w^ent with them into all the follies and extravagances they went into; but \Wth this aggravation above most of them, that what I did I knew to be a fault very often, whereas they, at least many of them, did not. Yea, not only went I along with them, but was foremost, and enticed others to folly. Yet still, through the mercy of God, I was kept from openly scandalous .evils, save once, that I

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 43

remember, Avith some other boys I was seized in a gar- den, taking some fruit; whereof I was much ashamed, and never attempted the like again, not from any real dislike of the sin, but fears of a discovery. And thus I continued till toward the close of king James' reign, when fears of a massacre, or some sudden stroke from the papists, Avhereof there was then a great noise every- where, revived my concern about religion : But " when he slew them, then they sought him : and they returned and inquired early after God. And they remembered that God was their rock, and the high God their Re- deemer." (Ps. Ixxviii. 34, 35.)

This concern being somewhat deeper, and the effects of it more remarkable and lasting, I shall endeavour to give a distinct account of it. About this time the Lord, by the means I lived under, the preaching of the word, and catechising in public and private, enlightened my mind further in the notional knowledge of the law and gospel. My capacity growing with my years, and knowledge of what was sin and what was duty, and what the fearful consequences of sin were, and the advantage of duty, increasing; sin was left open and naked without the excuse of ignorance, and conscience had a further advantage, being armed mth more knowledge and better informed. Hereupon its checks, when now by the Lord's providences it was in some measure awakened, were more frequent, and sharp, and not so easily to be evaded : " If I had not come and spoken to them, they had not had sin ; but now they have no cloak for their sin." (John xv. 22.)

Some touches of sickness rivetted on me the impres- sions of mortality and frailty, and the tendency of each of those numerous trains of diseases by which we are daily exposed to death. Hereon I was brought into, and kept under, continual " bondage through fear of death." (Heb. ii. 15.)

46 MEMOIRS OF THE

But that Avhicli above all affected me most deeply, and gave an edge to convictions, was the continual fears we were in of being suddenly destroyed by the papists. This kept death in its most terrible shape ever in my eyes and thoughts; and to my great terror, I saw wrath and judgment following it : " Tho'sinners in Zion are afraid; fearfulness hath surprised the hypocrites. Who among us shall dwell with the devouring fire ? who among us shall dwell with everlasting burnings ? " (Isa. xxxiii. 14.)

Herein I was cast into grievous disquietment : " I took counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily." (Ps. xiii. 2.) I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two. On the one hand, my convictions of sin were sharp — fears of present death and judgment quickened them ; this made me attend more to the word : the more I attended to it, they increased the more ; and I was daily persuaded more and more that there was no way to be lid of them, but by turning religious. On the other hand, if I should engage in earnest with religion, then I saw the hazard of suffering for it, and wist not but I might be called immediately to die for it ; and this I could not think of doing. Betwixt the two I was dread- fully tossed in my own mind; some nights sleep went from my eyes, and I was full of trouble. I set imagi- nation to Avork, and did sometimes strongly impress myself vntli the fancy of an Irish cut-throat holding a dagger to my breast, and offering me these terms : *' Quit your religion, turn papist, and you shall live : hold it, and you are dead!" The imagination was sometimes so strong, that I have fainted almost with it; and still I was dreadfully unresolved what to do. Sometimes I would let him ""ive the fatal stroke : but hereon mv spirits shrank, and my heart failed at the apprehensions of death. At other times I resolved to quit my religion, but with resolution to take it up again when the danger was over: but here I could get no rest. What, thought

LIFE OP REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 47

I, if the treaclierous enemy destroy me after I liare done it, and so I lose both life and religion ? And what if I die before the danger is over, and so time be not allowed me to repent ? " Ephraim is like a silly dove without heart; they call to Egypt, they go to AssjTia." (Hos. vii. 11.)

This sort of exercise frequently recurred, and I con- tinued this way at times, even till after the battle of Killiekrankie, which was fought July 27, 1689. It had some interruptions, and then I was remiss as before ; but for near a year, few v/eeks, and frequently few da}'S or nights, passed over me, without some such exercise. But the fears of the papists being quickly over, my re- maining difficulty was only with my convictions. Now as to these, I endeavoured to relieve myself— 1. By promises of abstaining from those sins which most directly crossed my light, and for which I was most plainly challenged : " And Pharaoh called for IMoses

and Aaron, and said. Entreat the Lord for me

and I will let the people go." (Exod. ix. 27, 28.) 2. I took sanctuary ir. resolutions of inquiring into the Lord's mind, and complying. But when I consulted any practical book, or the ministry of the word, and found them not give such directions as agreed' with my unrenewed heart, I was grieved, and stuck there : " And, behold, one came, and said unto him. Good Master, what good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life ? Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be per- fect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions." (Matt. :^ix. 16, 21, 22.) 3. I thought to find peace in a more careful attendance upon duties. Thus being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish mine own righteousness, I submitted not m3'self

48 MEMOIRS OF THE

unto tlie righteousness of God, nor showed I any regard to Christ, who is the end of the law for righteousness, to every one that heUeveth. (Rom. x. 3, 4.)

Though my foolish heart ran to those courses, yet really they aiforded no solid repose ; for — 1 . The first sin against light, and the first omission of duty, w^hich very speedily ensued upon the intermission of the force that present convictions put on me, shook all; and I was confounded at the thought of appearing hefore God in a righteousness so plainly ragged, that where it had one piece, it wanted two. (Isa. Ixiv. 6.) 2. Though these ways gave some ease where trials were at a distance, yet when the thoughts of death came near, I found not quiet here. This was not gold tried in the fire, nor would it abide so much as a near-hand view of a trial: hut at the very appearance of a storm, this sandy foundation shook. (Matt. vii. 27.) 3. Whenever convictions were awakened as to new sins, challenges for old ones recurred, which showed that the cure was not perfect : " Behold all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks; walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled : this shall ye have of mine hand, ye shall lie down in sorrow." (Isa. 1. 11.)*

The effects of this exercise that abode and increased afterwards, were principally these three: — 1. Hereby I was brought into a doubt about the truths of religion, the being of a God, and things eternal. This hesitation Avas not from any arguments that offered themselves against these truths ; or from any suspicion of ministers, parents, or others from whom I had received them ; but merely from this, that whenever in danger or straits I would build on them, a suspicion secretly haunted me, " What if the things are not?" Whence I was brought

* Consider Heb. x. 2, 3. "Where conscience of sin remains after the use of means, it argues their weakness.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 49

to think, that I had not certainty and evidence ahout them answerable to the weight that was to he laid on them. I thought death, and the trouble attending it, were certain and sensible things ; but I could not get my mind so satisfied and fully assured about the truths of religion. Still, when, under apprehensions of death, I would have taken rest upon the truths of religion, the persuasion failed me, and my mind began to waver; though I could give no reason of this : " The way of the wdcked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble." (Prov. iv. 19.) 2. I was hereby persuaded, and this persuasion ever after increased in strength, that I could never have peace till I came to another sort of evidence and certainty about the truths of religion than I was yet acquainted withal. Death I saw inevitable, it might be very sudden; I was capable of being im- pressed with the fore-thoughts of it, and could not banish them. Therefore, concluded I, unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it, as "\^dll make me not only look at death without fear, but go through it Avith comfort, better for me I had never been : but how or where this was to be obtained, I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity under the melancholy impression that I had hitherto " spent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not." (Isa. Iv. 2.) 3. This perplexity was somewhat eased, while one day or other reading in the close of the Fulfilling of the Scriptures, how Mr. Robert Bruce was shaken about the being of a God, and how at length he came to the fullest satisfac- tion. Hereby a hope secretly sprang up, that one time or other, in one way or other, the like might befall me, and that the Lord might satisfy me in this. Here was the dawning of a light that, though long it did not fully clear up, yet was never put wholly out again : though it was far from satisfying, yet it kept from despair as to

D

50 MEMOIRS OF THE

the issue : " And he took the bUnd man by the hand, and led him out of the tovm ; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands on him, he asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees walking." (Mark viii. 23.) But all this not- withstanding, the veil still remained untaken away. (2 Cor. iii. 14, 15.)

About this time, one Mr. Donaldson, a reverend old minister, preached at Perth, and came to visit my mother, called for me, and among other questions he asked me, If I sought a blessing on my learning ? to which I in- genuously answered " No." He replied, with an austere look, " Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mis- chief to the kirk of God." This saying stuck with me ever after, and left a deep impression on me; so that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God, by prayer, for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking his blessing. But this was only when more than ordinarily in difficulty.

But as to the main, all this exercise left me where I was before — afar off from God, and an enemy to him in my mind, which I evidenced by wicked works. (Col. i. 21.)

CHAPTER III

Giving an account of the increase of my conmctions^ during my stay at Edinhurgh^ from harvest 1690 or 1691, till May 1693, and the vain refuges I letook w,y self to for relief.

My mother designing to have me well educated, for the advantage of better schools, in harvest 1690 or 1691 did remove to Edinburgh, and fixed me at Mr. Gavin Weir's school, where I stayed (save only for the space

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTOX. 51

of some montlis that I abode in Carlop's family, and learned with his children and some others, under one who had been an under-teacher to Mr. Weir, and after his removal, taught a few privately), till November 1692, when I entered the college under Mr. Alexander Cun ^ ingham. Here it w^as my mercy that I fell in with sober comrades, and bookishly inclined. But this is not my design to narrate ; and therefore I proceed to observe the steps of the Lord's work with me as to my soul.

While I abode here, the Lord gave not over his deal- ings with me : " About the time of forty years suffered he their manners in the wilderness." (Acts xiii. IS.) Long also did he bear with my manners. In this place the work went on. For — 1. As knowledge increased, so convictions, if not in force, yet in number increased. Still as knowledge of the law grew, Avhich it daily did under the means of grace, the knowledge of sin also grew : " For by the law is the knowledge of sin." (Rom. vii. 7.) The Lord daily let me see that he was •wroth on account of sins that formerly I had not noticed : " These things thou hast done, and I kept silence : thou thoughtest I was such an one as thyself: but I will re- prove thee, and set thy sins in order before thee. (Ps. 1. 21.) 2. By new afflictions, the impressions of my mortality were rivetted, and I was still the farther in bondage through the growing fears of death. (Heb. ii. 15.) 3. The word being daily preached, and daily meeting with me, forced me, though un\^dlling, to make some inquiry into my sincerity in religion, which I now made some profession of. A close Avord -will at length even bring a Judas to say, " Master, is it I?" (Matt, xxvi. 20-23.) 4. By the means of gi-ace : Llerod-like, to save some bosom-idols, they engaged me " to do many things, and hear the word gladly." (Mark vi. 20.)

The means whereby these effects were wrought were, — 1 . The preaching of the word. By the two-edged

52 ME3I0IRS OF THE

sword that goes out of lils moutli, the Lord did often wound me, and the secrets of my heart were made mani- fest. (Rev. i. 16.) I found the word a discerner of the thoughts of the heart and its intents. (1 Cor. xiv. 25 ; Heb. iv. 12.) 2. The Lord made use of the rod. He laid his hand on me. When I was well and in health, the word did not affect so much, nor did I attend to it so carefully: " I spake unto thee in thy prosperity, and thou wouldst not hear : this hath been thy manner from thy youth, that thou obeyedst not the voice of the Lord." (Jer. xxii. 21.) " In their affliction they will seek me early." (IIos. v. 15.) " If they be bound in fetters, and be holden in cords of affliction: then he showeth unto them their work, and their transgressions that they have exceeded." (Job xxxvi. 8, 9.) 3. I read Shepherd's treatise, called " The Sincere Convert," which galled me, and cut me to the c[uick ; it came very close home to me, and affected me very much, and put me to question deeply ray sincerity.

By these means I was driven sometimes to great ex- tremity, and carried the length of a form of religion. I prayed not only evening and morning, but at some other times I retired, and would weep plentifully in secret, and read, and pray, and resolve to live otherwise than I had done. But this goodness was as the morn- ing cloud, and early dew. (Hos. vi. 4.) It kept pace with my convictions. It was force, not nature; and this strictness lasted no longer than the force that oc- casioned it did : " And Joash did that which was right in the sight of the Lord all the days of Jehoiada the

priest. But Jehoiada waxed old and died.

Now after the death of Jehoiada, came the princes of Judah, and made obeisance to the king: and the king hearkened unto them. And they left the house of the Lord God of their fathers, and served groves and idols." (2 Chron. xxiv. 2, 15, 17, 18.)

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYCURTOX. 53

While I was under these distresses, many a wicked shift did I betake myself unto for relief, though without effect: " When Ephraim saAV his sickness, and Judah saw his wound, then went Ephraim to the Assyrian, and sent to king Jareb : yet could he not heal you, nor cure you of your w^ound," (lios. v. 13.) When searching marks were offered from the word, which tended to dis- cover my naughtiness, or when I read them in books, — 1. If anything was spoken or mentioned that did in appearance make for me, then I greedily griped to that : for I was very unwilling to see my oami h}^ocrisy; and therefore, if I ha,d but a show to found my claim, I laid hold on what Avas offered. Like the young man, when Christ spoke of keeping the commandments, he an- swered, being unacquainted with the spiritual extent ot the law% " All these things have I kept from my youth, what la<^k I yet?" (Matt. xix. 20); so said I. 2. When I found somewhat required that I neither had nor resolved to comply with, because perhaps it was, on some account or other, dear, then I resolved to com- pound the matter, and make amends some other way, and beg a license for that, like Naaman : " Thy servant will henceforth offer neither burnt-offering nor sacrifice unto other gods, but unto the Lord. In this thing the Lord pardon thy servant, that when my master goeth into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leaneth on my hand, and I bow myself down in the house of Rimmon," (2 Kings v. 17, 18.) 3. When any mark was offered that I could not shift, nor pre- tend unto, then I was ready to question, whether he that offered it were not mistaken; and secretly questioned the truth, following the measures Satan took with Eve : ^' Yea, hath God said. Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" And again, " Ye shall not surely die." (Gen. iii. 1, 4.) 4. When I could not see, not through the want of sufficient light, but through my

54 MEMOIRS OF THE

unwillingness to admit it, I was ready to quarrel that ministers and books did not tell me plainly: "Then came the Jews round about him, and said unto him, How long dost thou make us to doubt? If thou be the Christ, tell us plainly. Jesus answered them, I told you, and ye believed not." (John x. 24.) 5. Some- times when I was gravelled with a mark, I promised it a hearing at a more convenient season, and so, like Felix, shifted the trouble for the time. (Acts xxiv. 25.) 6. Sometimes I would slip over these things that made against me : " He that doeth evil cometh not to the light, because his deeds are evil, lest they should be reproved." (John iii. 20.) 7. I carefully sought' for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that might be saving. I designed only as much religion as would take me to heaven; and therefore I still inquired with the young man, " What good thing shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?" (Matt. xix. 16.) I desired no more than would do this — that would serve this turn; and anything that w^ould serve this, provided my beloved lusts were spared, I would with him resolve upon. 8. When none of these shifts would avail in the general, I would resolve upon doing anything that the Lord required; like him that said, " Master, I will follow thee whither- soever thou goest." (Luke ix. 57, 58.) But then, with him I still retracted, when the Lord, as he often did, did tell me of particulars he would try me in, which were cross to my inclination. 9. When I saw I behoved to quit these, of which the Lord often convinced me, then I begged a little respite or delay, and I would comply; Augustine-like, I was content to be holy, but not yet : " And another also said. Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell which are at home at my house. And Jesus said. No man having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke ix. 61, 62.) An excuse.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 55

a delay in God's account, is a plain refusal; for all com- mands and invitations require present obedience : "• Now is the accepted time; now is the day of salvation." (2 Cor. vi. 2.) And, " To-day, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts." (Heb. iii. 15.) 10. After all ways were tried, I found no relief. I blamed my education. I knew there was some change; my question was, Whether it were the right one ? Now, thought I, if I had not been religiously educated, but had tui-ned all at once, it would have been more easily discernible. Thus I was entangled in my own ways: '^ We wait for light, but behold obscurity; for brightness, but we walk in darkness. We grope for the wall like the blind, and we grope as if we had no eyes: we stumble at noon -day tis in the night; we are in desolate places, as dead men." (Isa. lix. 9, 10.) And the true reason of my strait was, I was scorning, and not really desirous of light, unless it had been to my mind: " They know not, neither will they understand ; they walk on in darkness." (Ps. Ixxxii. 5.) *' The scorner seeketh wisdom, and findeth it not." (Prov. xiv. 6.) Many other deceits and shifts my heart used, which now, at so great a distance, I cannot remember. But these are the principal which do occur upon reflection ; and in them how evident is it, that '*■ the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." Who knows, or can know it? (Jer. xvii. 9.) Though now I seemed sometimes to have gone far, yet really I Avas wholly wrong. For — 1 . All this while being convinced of the necessity of a righteousness, but ignorant of Christ, " I sought it by the works of the law." (Rom. x. 3.) 2. " The carnal mind is enmity against God, and is not subject to the law of God" (Rom. \dii. 7), still continued. 3. All my ex- ercise was only a tossing betwixt light, and love to sin ; and sin still carried it, for my bosom-idols I Avould by no means part with. 4. Self was the animating prin-

5Q MEMOIRS OF THE

ciple of any form of religion that I had ; — so much of it as would save me from hell, or take me to heaven, and no more I desired. 5. All this religion came and went with the occasions mentioned. It was not abiding.

Providentially, about this time Clark's Martyrology was cast into my hand. I loved history, and read it greedily; and some impressions it left on me, that wanted not their own use now and afterwards. — 1. The patience, joy, and courage of the martyrs, persuaded me that there was a power, a reality in religion, beyond the power of mere nature. 2. I was convinced that I was a stranger as yet to this, because I could not think of suffering. 3. I was brought to some faint desires after acquaintance with this power of religion: " Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. There is no other God that can deliver after this sort." (Dan. iii. 28, 29.) Often was I, in reading this book, at Balaam's wdsh: " Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his." (Numb, xxiii. 11.) But, like him, I loved not their life.

I observe that, at this time — 1. God restrained me from many follies which others ran into, and I was much inclined to, by my bodily infirmity; a trouble in my joints, which made me unable to go. " Thus he hedged in my way" (Hos. ii. 6), that I should not find my lovers. 2. The Lord in mercy provided me comrades that were tender of me. He fed me, and led me, though " I knew him not." (Hos. ii. 8.) 3. So far was I from being thankful, that my proud heart fretted that I was kept from those things others fol- lowed. (Isa. xlv. 5.) I would have been at rejoicing in my strength; and vexed I was that I had that occa- sion of glorying cut off. (Jer. ii. 17.) And I was not thankful either for the Lord's cutting off by this means

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. .57

many occasions of sin, or for his mercy in providing persons to take care of me. Oh, what reason have I to say, The Lord is " good to the unthankful and evil !" (Luke vi. 85.)

CHAPTER IV.

Containing an account of the progress of the Lord's tcorh., the straits I icas reduced to^ and the courses I took for relief from Mag 1693, tchen I left Edin- hui^gh^ till I went to the familg of Wemgss^ August 1696.

The air agreeing neither with my mother nor me, she was advised, and at length she resolved, to leave Edinburgh and go to St. Andrews, a place more Avholesome, and more convenient for my education, to which she always had a special regard. Here I cannot but observe the remarkable kindness of the Lord in guiding me, though then I took no notice of it: "I am the Lord, and there is none else ; there is no God beside me : I girded thee, though thou hast not known me." (Isa. xlv. 5.) 1. At a time when my heart inclined me most to folly, and by my entering to the college, I was exposed to many temptations to it, the Lord seasonably laid his hand on me, and trysted me with trouble, that was a mean to restrain me, and keep me from con- tracting any intimacy with those whose converse might have proved prejudicial to me, and to engage me to choose sober comrades : " Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that as a man chasteneth his son, so the Lord thy God chasteneth thee." (Deut. viii. 5.) Again, 2. This indisposition, during the first two months of my stay at the college, being only in my joints, did not hinder, but further my studies; and the Lord provided

58 MEMOIRS OF THE

one who, though a stranger, and under no special obligations, yet attended me as closely as if he had been my servant, and was as tender of me as if he had been my brother. During this time I made a greater proficiency in the Latin tongue than ever I had for- merly done — the regent I was under being very skilful in teaching it, and attending very carefully. After this time he fell ill, and was not capable to attend; and I fell ill, and was thereby obliged to remove to St. Andrews, which was much to my advantage; for I came under the care of Mr. Thomas Taylor, a man very capable, and very careful of and kind to me; and the class I left was broken quite, the regent continuing indisposed that year, and falling next year into a frenzy. Thus the Lord chased me from place to place for my good, and everywhere provided me friends: " He found him in a desert land, and in the waste and howling wilderness: he led him about, and instructed him : he kept him as the apple of his eye." (Deut. xxxii. 10.) But God's kindness in guiding me to places for my good, and keeping from inconveniences, snares, and dangers, into which others fell, had no eifect on, nor were they noticed by me : " Neither said they. Where is the Lord that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, that led us through the wilderness, through a land of deserts, and of pits, through a land of drought, and of the shadow of death? And I brought you into a plentiful country, to eat the fruit thereof, and the goodness; but when ye entered, ye defiled my land, and made mine heritage an abomina- tion." (Jer. ii. 6, 7.)

When I settled at St. Andrews, the Lord left not his work and striving mth me; but the same sove- reign grace that began went on with it : "I lifted up my hand unto them, to bring them out of the land of Egypt; but they rebelled against me, and would not

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 59

hearken unto me. Tlien said I, I will pour out my fury upon them. But I wrought for my name's sake." (Ezek. XX. 6, 8, 9.) " Not for your sakes do I this, saith the Lord God, be it known unto you: be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel." (Ezek. xxxvi. 32.)

Here the Lord cast my lot under choice means of grace — the ministry of worthy Mr. Thomas Forrester. Under this searching ministry, the Lord began to give me some small discoveries of the more secret and spiritual evils of my heart, and carried me " into the secret chambers of imagery" (Ezek. viii. 12), to let me see what my heart did in the dark.— 1. He opened mine eyes to discern somewhat of that world of pride that is in the heart, and the wickedness of it. Though I was some way convinced of my own weakness, when I had any difficulty more than ordinary before me, and would seek help from God, yet when I got through, I valued myself upon my acquittance. Of the wicked- ness and unjustness of this, the Lord in some measure convinced me: "What hast thou, O man, that thou hast not received? and if thou hast received, wherefore dost thou boast?" (1 Gor. iv. 7.) 2. He convinced me of the wickedness of the strajang of my heart after idols, especially in the time of worship : " But as for them whose heart walketh after the heart of their detestable things, and their abominations, I will re- compense their ways upon their ovm. heads, saith the Lord God." (Ezek. xi. 21.) "For every one of the house of Israel, or of the stranger, which setteth up his idols in his heart, and putteth the stumbling-block of his iniquity before his ftice, and cometh to a prophet to inquire of him concerning me, I the Lord will answer him by myself." (Ezek. xiv. 4, 7.) I was made to see, in some measure, the danger of offering such duties to hira, who requireth us to " set our hearts to what he speaks,"

60 MEMOIRS OF THE

and to " keep our foot -when we come to tlie house of God." (Deut. xxxii. 46; Eccles. v. 1.) 3. 1 was likewise made to see somewhat of my trusting to my duties, and resting on the hare performance, inasmuch as I was not for most part challenged for unsuitable perform- ance, but for the entire omission of them ; and, with the Pharisee, I thought it enough if I could say, that I did the duty. But now the Lord let me see that more was required, though with him I could say, " I fast twice a-week." (Luke xviii. 12.) The Lord con- vinced that he might answer, " When ye fasted, did ye at all fast unto me, even to me?" (Zech. vii. 5.)

These, when added to former discoveries of guilt, gave me frequently much disturbance, and cast me into racking perplexity and disquiet. But the darkness and enmity of my mind remaining, I still had recourse to wicked and vain courses for peace, such as those for- merly mentioned; but they afforded me but little quiet. Pharaoh-like, I engaged to amend those things wherein formerly I had failed; but, with him, I quickly broke bar- gain, when the force that drove to this was over. At last, finding no peace in any of these courses, I resolved to enter into solemn covenant Avith the Lord; and, accor- dingly, I AATote and subscribed a solemn covenant, where- by I bound myself to be for God: like Israel when under the awful impressions of Sinai, and the dreadful appearance of God there, I said, "All that the Lord our God shall say unto us, we will hear and do it" (Deut. V. 23, 28); and like the scribe that came to Christ, '' Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.'' (Luke ix. 57.)

When I had once done this, then I concluded all was right ; for — 1 . 1 found a sort of present peace. Amend- ment I thought sufficient atonement, and such an en- gagement I looked on as performance. I now said, " I have peace-offerings with me; this day have I paid my

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. Gl

VOWS." (Piov. vii. 14.) 2. I at this time found frequently an unusual sweetness in hearing the word; especially in hearing Mr. Forrester lecture on Acts xiii. 43, on the Sabbath-night. Here, as I received sometimes the most piercing convictions, so 1 received " tastes of the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come." ( 1 Cor. xiv. 25 ; Heb. vi. 5.) Thus, like the stony gi'ound, I '• heard the word, and anon with joy received it." (Matt. xiii. 20.) 3. Common gifts increasing as light grew, I took them for special grace, and thus have taken up, with the foolish virgins, the lamp of a profession without oil. (Matt. XXV. 1.) I began to set up for a virgin too; and liking such, I began to be esteemed by some of them for that which really I was not, but only appeared to be.

But the merciful and good God would not suffer me to rest here : " Yet thou sayest, Because I am innocent, surely his anger shall turn from me. Behold I will plead with thee, because thou sayest, I have not sinned. Why gaddest thou about so much to change thy way ? Thou also shalt be ashamed of Egypt, as thou wast ashamed of Ass}Tia. Yea, thou shalt go forth from him, and thine hands upon thy head; for the Lord hath re- jected thy confidences, and thou shalt not prosper in them." (Jer. ii. 35-37.) The Lord quickly let me see my mistake; for — 1. The imaginary peace that I had by making this covenant was quickly lost by break- ing it. Corruption retaining still its power, its locks not being yet cut, whenever a temptation offered, like Samson, upon a cry of the Philistines being on him, it broke all those ties with which I foolishly, like his deceived mistress, thought it bomid. (Judg. xvi. 12.) Like the children of Israel in Sinai, I engaged fairly, and herein thought all riaiit : but when I came to Kibrotli- hattaavah, which was the next station in their way through the wilderness, and a temptation fell in my way, I felt a murmuring; loathing the manna, and lusting

6' 2 MEMOIRS OF THE

after the flesh, and this broke all (Deut. v. 27, &c., compared with Numb, xxxiii. 16, xi. 34); the Lord's wrath hereon being afresh intimated against me as it was against them on that occasion. 2. Not only upon such breaches met I with new challenges, but old ones were revived; and by this I found former ac- counts still to be standing against me, which filled me with confusion and jealousy of these ways : " For though thou wash thee with nitre, and take thee much soap, yet thine iniquity is marked b^efore me, saith the Lord." (Jer. ii. 22.) 3. The Lord insinuated some discoveries of the treachery of my engagements; let me see how my heart was not sound, and how there were secret re- serves in my engagements for some sins from which my heart was not divorced. Though yet, I remember that at the time I made those engagements, when my heart put in for sparing these, my light forced me, as it were for the present, though not ^'vithout reluctance, to give them up, at least in words ; but really I did not do it. Now the Lord gave some intimations of this heart- treachery, which, when further discovered by the event, my covenant could not quiet me about : " They have well spoken all that they have said; 0 that there were such a heart in them !" (Deut. v. 29.) 4. The Lord let loose some corruptions, like the Canaanites, to try me; took off* the restraints, and then like waters dammed in, they became more violent and troublesome, and at length bore down all that I had set in their way. By these means the Lord let me see the fruitlessness and vanity of this covenant, which, however specious-like, was indeed but a covenant with death ; and by the dis- covery I was put into the utmost confusion, while the evil I thought I was provided against came upon me: " From the time that it goeth forth it shall take you : for morning by morning shall it pass over, by day and by night, and it shall be a vexation only to understand

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 63

the report. For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch liimself on it; and the covering narrower than that he can wrap himself in it." (Isa. xxviii. 19, 20.) This I foimd verified to my sad experience.

Notwithstanding the felt vanity of these legal, selfish, an ti- evangelical courses, I still cleaved to them : for — 1. The peace I lost by breaking, I still endeavoured to re- cover by renewing, my covenant, trusting to a heart that had often deceived me. Thus I wearied myself in the greatness of my way, and laboured in the fire. My heart, when I was defeated, gave me such advice as the king of SjTia got from his servants, when he was de- feated by Israel : " Number thee an army like the army thou hast lost, horse for horse and chariot for chariot, and we will fight against them in the plain ; and surely we sliall be stronger than they." (1 Kings xx. 25.) I laid the blame still on some accidental defect in my former management, and I thought, were that provided against, all would be well. 2. When still I found somethinof wanting, I cast about in my own mind, and contrived to make it up with something extraordinary of my o^ai — the multiplication of duties, or some such thing or other : ''Wherewith shall I come before the Lord, and bow my- self before the high God ? shall I come before him with burnt-offerings, with calves of a year old? will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, or Avith ten thousands of rivers of oil? shall I give my first-bom for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?" (Mic. vi. 6, 7.)

But still these vain refuges failed me, and my case was truly miserable while pursuing them: " Woe to the rebellious children, saith the Lord, that take counsel, but not of me : and that cover with a covering, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin : that walk to go doAMi to Egypt, and have not asked at my mouth, to strengthen themselves in the strength of Pharaoh,

64 MEMOIRS OF THE

and to trust in the shadow of Egypt. Therefore shall the strength of Pharaoh be your shame, and the shadow of Eg}^t your confuson." (Isa. xxx. 1-3.) Now, as I was really miserable in following those courses ; so, if the Lord of infinite mercy had not prevented it, I had landed in one of four sad issues, wherein oft - times such exercises and com^ses terminate: either — 1. If I had been freed from convictions, or the Lord had given over his striving with me, and carrying on the work of conviction, after convictions had carried me the length of a form of religion, I had surely, notmth- standing all the disappointments, sat do^^^l satisfied with that, as having found the life of my hand, or having by the endeavours of my hand and its labour, obtained that which would give me a sort of life: " Thou art wearied in the greatness of thy way ; yet saidst thou not. There is no hope : thou hast found the life of thine hand" (that is, a sort of life by thy labour) ; " therefore thou wast not grieved." (Isa. Ivii. 10.) Or, 2. If convictions had been carried on, and the Lord had left me still to follow those courses I took, I would have laboured in the fire all my days, wearied and vexed myself for very vanity, spending my money " for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which doth not profit" (Hab. ii. 13; Isa. Iv. 2) ; in a continual vicissitude of vows, cove- nants, engagements, and resolutions — breaches and dis- quietments, engagements and false peace: breaches and racking convictions would alternatively have taken place. And thus I had spent my days, and at the end been a fool. ( Jer. xvii. 11.) Or, 3. After I had wearied myself for a while in those vain ways, I would have utterly given up with religion as a vain thing, and said, Avith those mentioned by the prophet, who said, " It is vain to serve God; and what profit is it that we have kept his ordi- r-ances, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts?" (Mai. iii. 14.) And so, with them, I

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 65

had gone over to plain atheism and profanity. Or, 4. Being forced to seek shelter from my convictions, and being so often and sadly disappointed by all the ways I tried, I had at last landed in despair, like Judas, and said, " This evil is of the Lord, why wait I any longer?" (2 Kings vi. 33) like Elisha at the message of the wicked king. And in very deed, I had some experience of all these issues. Sometimes I sat down with the form, and judged " I was rich and increased in goods, and stood in need of nothing" (Rev. iii. 17); some- times I wearied myself in running from one of those vain courses to another ; at other seasons, I turned care- less, as finding no profit, and was just at throwing up all care of religion ; and very often I was upon the very brink of despair — almost quite distracted.

When I Avas thus disappointed, especially after the making and frequent repeating of vows and engage- ments, I was cast into the utmost perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God recommended by ministers, mentioned in the Scripture, and the people of God declared they had found the benefit of it. I could not challenge myself, at least at some times, for known guile in the making of it. What I engaged to do I was resolved upon at the time. I did engage with much concern and solemnity, and for some time after I would have walked with much strictness; but though I could not then discern Avhere the blame lay, I have since been made to see it. 1. ''Being ignorant of the righteousness of God, I still went about to establish a righteousness of my owai." (Rom. X. 3.) And though in words I renomiced this, yet indeed I sought righteousness and peace, not in the Lord Jesus Christ, " Avho is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believes" (Rom. x. 4), but in my own covenants and engagements; so that I really put them in Christ's room. 2. Whatever room I in

E

GQ MEMOIRS OP THE

words allowed Christ as to forgiveness for bygones, yet ray peace and hope of it for the future, and so my trust, was in the evenness of my own walk. I obtained not righteousness, because I sought it, as it were, " by the w^orks of the law." (Rom. ix. 32.) This neglect of Christ, and shuffling my owti covenants and obedience in his room, was evident; because whenever I was chal- lenged for sin, instead of recourse to his blood, I still sought peace only in renewing my vows. 3. The con- sent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holiness, but merely in compliance with the constraint put on me by my convictions. But in very deed the enmity against it still continued (Rom. viii. 7); and I would not have made it my choice, if that had not forced me to it; so that I subjected not myself to it. 4. I engaged to live a new life with an old heart, not being yet made to see that, " unless the tree is made good, the fruit cannot be good." (]\Iatt. xii. 33.) 5. "The eye was not single." (Matt. xix. 16, vi. 22.) All I aimed at was self — to be eased of convictions, and obtain peace from those racking disquietments I was under. I had not the least concern for the Lord's glory, provided I were safe. 6. In a word, I engaged before the Lord had thoroughly engaged me. We may be will- ing, in some sort, before the Lord has made us truly willing. The first real kindness begins on his side; and w^e are never engaged to love till the Lord's kindness do draw us. (1 John iv. 10.) The force of a strait by convictions may overpower us into some pretensions o*^ kindness: thus it was with me. "Willing I was to be saved from hell, and to have heaven, under the general notion of a good place; but not to be saved in God's way, on his terms, and in order to those ends which he proposes in the salvation of sinners.

This was not my only trouble at this time. Now I was engaged in the study of metaphysics and natural

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. G7

theology, accustomed to subtle notions, and tickled witli tliem; whereupon Satan, in conjunction with the natural atheism of my heart, took occasion to cast me into rack ing disquietment about the great truths of religion, more especially the being of a God, Thus, in the justice of God, that wherein I delighted — I mean subtle and ab- stract notions — proved the occasion of much perplexino- difficulty to me. For — 1. Some seeming success in my studies, the first year I engaged in the study of philosophy, fostered the natural conceit we all have of our own ability to know, and emboldened me to proceed further than was meet. So true is that of the word : " Know- ledge puffeth up." (1 Cor. viii. 1.) 2. Hereon the natural curiosity of my vain mind took a liberty to inquire without fear into things too high, and made me promise myself satisfaction about them, in and by my own inquiries: " Yain man would be wise, though he is like the Avild ass's colt." (Job xi. 12.) Thus he intrudes into those things which he hath not seen, "vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind." (Col. ii. 18.) 3. And hereon suffering a disappointment, and failing of success, the natural atheism and enmity of my carnal mind, that rather inclines to reject the things of God than our own darkness, began, when puzzled, to inquire, " How can these things be?" (John iii. 9.) "Thus professing myself wise, I became a fool." (Rom. i. 22.) 4. Satan, that waits all advantages, finding me thus caught in the thicket, plunged me deeper by thro^\'ing in the fiery darts of subtle arguings against the being of a God, whereby all was set on a flame, and I sometimes cast into violent convulsions. (Eph. vi. 16.)

This exercise about the being of God was much more disquieting than that formerly mentioned. Then there was only an unsettledness of mind proceeding from the felt want of evidence sufficient to quiet the mind — in that assurance of the truth that was necessary to embolden

68 MEMOIRS OF THE

it without fear in all its straits to have recourse to, and take rest in, God. Now, there were contrary disquieting arguments. Then, I was only at that of the disciples: " Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us." (John xiv. 8.) But now, I was disturbed with the working of the ruler of darkness, and high imaginations exalting themselves against God. (Eph. vi. 12; 2 Cor. x. 5.)

Though the atheism and enmity of my heart against God were still imremoved and great, yet the Lord suf- fered me not to yield, but made me dread and recoil at the terrible conclusion aimed at by those arguings. For — 1. There remained so much of that natural knowledge of a Deity which God has made manifest even in the heathen (Rom. i. 19) — that is, in their consciences; and there w as so much of strength added to it by the exter- nal evidence of this truth by the works of creation and providence, as made me recoil at the thought of that homble conclusion of the atheist, " There is no God." 2. Being at the sametime deeply affected with deep apprehensions of the shortness and uncertainty of a present life, I dreaded to admit the conclusion that I saw would shake the foundations of any hope of relief for the future from the other side of time : " If the fomida- tions be destroyed, what hath the righteous done ? " (Ps. xi. 3.)

In this strait, betwixt light that would not admit of a Hat denial of the being of a God, and atheism inflamed and strengthened by Satan's fiery darts, I betook myself still to vain and selfish courses. My disturbance was from reasonings, and I thought to relieve myself l)y my own reasonings. Nothing more, did I foolishly think, can be requisite to establish my mind about this truth, and for ever to quiet my mind in a firm assent to it, than to obtain demonstrative arguments for the beinc: of a God. Thus I thought " by searching to find out God" (Job xi. 7); and like the psalmist, when shaken about

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTOX. 6!)

the providence of God, " I thought to know it." (Ps. Ixxiii. 16.) That is, by my own reasonings I expected to obtain estabhshment in the truth, and an answer to the objections urged against it.

Wherefore I seriously set myself to the search of such arguments; and I found them, but found not that re- Hef I expected: " When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me." (Ps. Ixxiii. 16.) For — 1. The most straitening and forcible of those arguments pro- ceeding upon the absurdity of the contrary conclusion with great evidence, would not allow of anything to be said to the argument, and so extorted an assent: but not enlightening the mind ^vith any satisfying notions and discoveries of the God whom they obliged me to own as existent, my mind was not quieted. For in things of any practical influence, without some com- petent measure of light about the nature of things, the soul requiring satisfaction, not only as to their realit}-, but their meetness to answer those practical uses where- about it is concerned, cannot rest without some dis- coveries of this : " Thomas said unto him. Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?" (John xiv. 5.) 2. These arguments forced, indeed, some assent at the time ; but not dissohang con- trary objections, whenever the light of them was re- moved, and contrary objections came in view again, I was entirely shaken, like him in Cicero who read Plato's arguments for the immortality of the soul, and said, '■*■ When I read, I assent, but I cannot tell how; but so soon as I lay do^vn the book, all this assent is gone." It is faith alone that, as the word is (Heb. ii. 1), reproves contrary arguings, and plants in the soul an abiding light, that keeps the soul firm in its adherence to tnith. Thus, like the philosophers of old, in the wisdom of God, "by wisdom I knew not God." (1 Cor. i. 21.) Though I was thus entangled, rather than extricated

70 MEMOIRS OF THE

by these selfisli sliifts, yet my vain mind still followed these courses. For— 1. AYhat hitherto I had failed of, I expected I might find by some further progi-ess in learning; and, therefore, I applied myself vigorously that way. But any little progress I made, made me still more sensible how far I was disappointed, and made me experience the truth of this, that " he that increaseth knoAvledge, increaseth sorrow." (Eccles. i. 18.) The further I proceeded I still found the more difficulties, and the less satisfaction. 2. AVhen this course could not avail, then I spent my w^eary hours in vain wishes for some extraordinary discoveries: "Nay, but if one rise from the dead, they will believe." (Luke xvi. 30.) Though I reached not the satisfaction I aimed at, yet I cannot say but this exercise had some useful efi'ects. — 1. It let me see that I had need of some further evi- dence and establishment about the truths of religion than hitherto I had either attained or wist how to at- tain. Thus I had got some view of it before : now I was more confirmed of it. 2. My mind being some- times more quieted as to these truths in hearing of the word than by all my arguments, I was inclined to hope this evidence I wanted might come from the Lord. 3. I was beaten somewhat fi*om that towering opinion of my own knowledge and abilities to know that my first seeming success in philosophy gave me, and brought to a useful diffidence of my inability to reach satisfaction even about natural things, and solve objections that lay against truths, which yet, upon clear argument, I was forced to admit ; which afterwards was of considerable use to me.

But during this period of time, under all these wrest- lings and strugglings betwixt growing light and sin, cor- ruptions, as I grew in years, grew stronger and stronger, took deeper root, and received an increase of strength by occasional temptations, and new force from the weak

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 71

resistance made to tliem by these vain courses. As the law came nearer in its spiritual meaning and extent, " sin revived," and appeared more discernible in its strength ; " and sin, taking occasion by the command- ment, Avrought in me inclinations to all evil." (Rom. vii. 8, 9, 11 .) Being fretted, not subdued, it grew stronger, till at leno;th " it slew me."

Under this perplexity, I betook myself still to one or other of the forementioned vain courses. I gadded about to change my Avay — sent to Egypt, and went to Assyria; yet could not they help me. (Jer. ii. 36.) But yet these exercises and perplexities had some inter- missions, and then I turned remiss and careless : " My goodness, like the morning cloud and early dew, soon passed away." (Hos. vi. 4.)

However, by these means I was brought to a specious- like form of religion. For now — 1. I took some care to avoid those sins, whether secret or open, that thwarted the light of my conscience most plainly. I not only abstained from those evils to which most, even of the more sober sort of students, were frequently drawn over, but v/ith a sort of resolution I kept at a distance from the occasions of them. Thus I began to " escape the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the truth." (2 Pet. ii. 20.) 2. I Avas more exact and punctual in attending duties, public, private, and secret, than heretofore, and that not Avithout some concern, at least sometimes, as to my iuAvard frame in them. Thus I thought "I kept his ordinances." (Mai. iii. 14.) 3. When I Avas ensnared either into the commission of sin or omission of duty, I Avas brought to a deep sorrow, and for some time Avalked mournfully before God. (Mai. iii. 14.) 4. Whereas I always had a sort of aAvful regard for them that feared God, since CA'er I began to be in the least aAvakened ; noAv I began to have a sort of lik- ing and kindness to them, and pleasure in their com-

72 MEMOIRS OF THE

panyand converse, even about matters of religion. Thus light forced an approbation of them on my mind, and so to give glory to God, their light shining so before me that I could not but take notice of them. (Matt. v. 16.) 5. I had frequent tastes of " the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come" (Heb. vi. 5), which made me delight in approaching to God. And, 6. I got some things that looked like return of prayer, when, under a sense of impotency, I betook myself to God by prayer. In any strait I found help so remarkable that I could not but take notice of it. The Lord hereby drew me gradually in to expect good in his way, and though I was WTong in the main, as it were, encouraged the faintest l>eginnings of a look toward a return : "And the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite, say- ing, Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me : because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days : but in his son's days I will bring the evil upon his house." (1 Kings xxi. 29.)

Now, though by these means I got a name to live, yet really I was dead. For — 1. The natural darkness still remained uncured. Some da^vnings of light were indeed begun, and some discoveries made of what for- merly I had not known ; yet the power of darkness still remained, and the veil was not yet taken away, nor were spiritual things seen in a true light. (2 Cor. iii. 14, 15; Eph. iv. 18.) 2. The enmity of my mind against the law, especially in some instances, remained in force. There was not a respect to all God's commands :* I had not yet a sight of the beauty of holiness ; nor did I in my heart approve of the whole yoke of Christ's precepts as good and desirable. It was not that I delighted in holiness and conformity to the law (Ps. cxix. 6), at least in some instances, but that I was undone without it, that made me aim at any sort of compliance. 8. I * Compare Rom. vii. 8, with Rom. vii. 12, 22.

LIFE OF REV. IHOMAS HALYBURTOX. 73

yet sought righteousness, as it were, by the works of the law. (Rom. ix. 82.) I was wholly legal in all I did, not seeing the necessity, the security, the glory, of the gospel method of salvation, by seeking righteousness and strength in the Lord Christ alone. (Rom. x. 4 ; Ps. Ixxi. 16.) 4. Self was the spring of all : my only aim was to be saved, without any regard had to the glory of the Lord, or any inquiry made how it might be consis- tent with it to save one who had so deeply offended : in a word, all my religion was constrained, violent, selfish, legal, and anti-evangelical. These, not to mention other things, were still wrong.

REFLECTIONS UPON THE FOREGOING EXERCISE.

It will not be improper to review the preceding exer- cise, and offer two or three observations.

The foregoing exercise affords me full confirmation of many of the truths contested by the Pelagians and others, concerning man's inability to good and the con-uption of his nature. When I read and hear their high swelling words of vanity in commendation of man, and in praise of his free will to good, his good inclina- tions; and when I hear specious-like arguments offered for proof of these notions, I have no reason to be shaken. Will they dispute me out of my senses ? May I not believe the word ? or must I A^Test and distort Scripture to make places that appear unfavourable to free will, ac- cord with those notions of it which some advance ? Sure I am, if they will not allow Scripture to be its oaati inter- preter, it is safer, at least in those things that concern our o^^^l natural state, which conscience may know, to admit experience to comment, rather than reason proceeding upon abstract notions. And where Scripture and ex-

74 MEMOIRS OF THE

perience join, there we have the fullest confirmation of the truths that are established in the mouth of two such witnesses; the last not only confirming but illustrating the testimony of the former. If they say that their hearts are not so perverse and ill-inclined, and that they find inclinations to good in them, I cannot say so of mine : yet, by the way, I must observe, that in their practice they go seldom farther, if so far as others, who agree with me in owning their hearts so wicked, their corruptions so strong, their wills so depraved and set upon evil, that they can do nothing well-pleasing to God. Now, surely if matters are as they represent them, they are far to blame. As for me, I find more solid truth in that one Scripture, that tells us that " the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked" (Jer. xvii. 9), than in many volumes of idle anti-scriptural notions, reared up on the subtle arguings of men whose eyes have never yet been opened to see the plagues of their own. hearts (1 Kings viii. 88), and who, therefore, run out in asserting such an ability and power and inclination to good in man, as neither Scrip- ture nor the experience of such as have their eyes in the least measure opened admits of. However, if others >vill think that there are such good inclinations in them, I must quit my paj-t in them. Woful experience con- vinces me, and obliges me to acknowledge to my own shame, that I never looked towards the Lord's way, save when he drew me: " I was as a bullock imaccus- tomed to the yoke" (Jer. xxxi. 18) ; I never went longer in it than the force lasted; I inclined to sit down, and sat indeed down at every step — no great sign I had any heart in the way ! I never got up again but when the Lord's power was of new put forth. In all this while I never went one step but with a grudge : I have frequently looked back to Sodom; I have been as a backsliding heifer. (Gen. xix. 26; Job xxiv. 13.) I was grieved

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 75

for what I left behind; my heart cleayed to what my light had the greatest opposition to. Thus I was of them that rebel against the light ; I often refused where the command was plainest : when I was brought into a strait, I betook myself rather to any shift than to Christ. Sin bit me, and yet I loved it (Pro v. xxviii. 16); my heart deceived me often, and yet I trusted in it rather than God. (Jer. xvii. 5, 7.) God dealt with me in a way of kindness ; but when he spake to me in my pro- sperity, I would not hear : " He smote me, and I went on frowardly." (Isa. Ivii. 17.) I never parted with any sin till God beat and drove me from it, and hedged in my way. (Hos. ii. 6.) Surely this looks like the heart, " deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."

The foregoing exercise clears up what a depth of de- ceitfulness is in the heart of man. How many shifts has my heart used to elude the design of all these striv- ings of the Lord's Spirit "vvith me ! What strange shifts has the heart of man ! and how many are they ! I have told many, but the one half is not told. All these shifts respect but one point in religion. If one would undertake to give an account but of those deceits which are more noted, with respect to the whole of his walk and way, how many volumes might he "write ! There is much true divinity couched in that short Scripture : *' The heart is deceitful above all things — who can know it?" (Jer. xvii. 9.) "Who can understand his errors ?" (Ps. xix. 12.) When I upon a review mind so many, how many more might I have noticed, if I had observed them at the time, or soon after ! and if so many may be seen, how many secret, undiscemi])le, or at least undiscemed, deceits are there !

How far may we go in religion, and yet come short ! Many things I seemed to have and do : I did many things, and heard gladly; I was almost persuaded to be a Christian. (Mark vi. 20; Acts xxvi. 28.) I seemed

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to escape the pollutions that are in the world hj the knowledge of the truth. I seemed enlightened, and partaker of the heavenly gift, and got some tastes of the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come. (2 Pet. ii. 20; Heb. vi. 5.) I underwent many changes, and yet all the while Avas naught, defective as to the main : " Many shall seek to enter in, and shall not he able." (Luke xiii. 24.) " Not every one that says. Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of God." (Matt. vii. 21.)

I cannot but look back with wonder to the astonishing patience of God that suffered my manners so long (Acts xiii. 18), and the steadiness he shows in pursuing his work, notwithstanding many provocations to desist, still working for his name's sake. (Ezek. xx. 14.) All creation could not have afforded so much patience. The disciples of Christ would have called for fire from heaven. (Luke ix. 54.) Yea, Moses, the meekest man on earth, would have found more to irritate him here than at Meribah. (Ps. cvi. 38; Numb. xx. 13.) Glory to God, that we have to do with him, and not with man. " His ways are not our ways, nor his thoughts ours ; but as the heavens are high above the earth, so are his ways and thoughts of mercy above ours." (Isa. Iv. 8.)

I must bear witness to the reasonableness of God's way; for — 1. Those things he put me under concern about: deliverance from AATath, eternal salvation, and security about them, were such as my OAvn reason, upon the best attention, could not but OAvn worthy of the utmost and first concern. He did not call me to vex myself about vanity, and things of no importance. 2. The way in which he dealt with me was not destructive to the nature of my faculties, but it improved them. He enlightened my eyes to see what he would have me do; and he forced not my will, but swayed it, in a way suit- able to its nature, to a compliance, so far as I went.

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This was not to force, but gently to bend, the will to those things that reallj were proper for it to incline to. 3. He always observed the true order of the faculties. He swayed the will so far as it went in compliance with his work, by sending forth his light into the mind, that in the true order of things should guide the under- standins:. 4. He carried me on to consideration. He did not seek, as it were, to entangle the affections, and by them carry my mind away in a hurry, as sin and Satan are wont to do, who guide sinners — as the Philis- tines did Samson — they first put out their eyes, and then make them grind in their mill. 5. The Lord never obliged me to part with any way, any sin, or refuge I betook myself to, till he had let me see that it was not only against my duty but my true interest. 6. So far as I complied with his call, I cannot say that his way was fruitless, or that he was " a barren wilderness, or a land of drought." (Jer. ii. 31.) The meanest and most feckless piece of compliance wanted not its reward : " Who is there among you that would shut the doors for nought ? Neither do ye kindle fire on mine altar for nought." (Mai. i. 10.) Thus the Lord's work was power, not force. He drew, but it was " with the cords of love, and bands of a man." (Hos. xi. 4.) He bid me quit many things, but they were vain things that were not bread. (Isa. iv. 2.) " Remember this, and show yourselves men; bring it again to mind, O ye transgressors. O house of Israel, are not my ways equal ? are not your ways unequal? yet ye say, The way of the Lord is not equal." (Ezek. xviii. 25.)

Though it was congruous to reason, yet it was a work far above the power of nature. I cannot ascribe its rise or progress to myself; for it was what I sought not; I thought not of, I liked not, yea, I hated it; I feared, I avoided, I shifted it; and when all this would not do, I opposed it. For I was of those that rebel against the

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light. (Job xxiv. 13.) I cannot ascribe it to any out- ward means. There are many parts of it which they did not reach. The most feasible failed — the weakest wrought the effect. Neither strong nor weak had always the like effect. But the work was carried on by a secret indiscernible power of Him who is like " the wind blow- ing where it listeth." (John iii. 8.) The work bears an impress of God in all its steps ; the word that awak- ened me was the voice of Him that makes the dead to hear (John v. 25) — that " calleth things that are not as if they were." (Rom. iv. 17.) The light that shone was the candle of the Lord searching, yea, piercing into the " hidden parts of the belly" (Prov. xx. 27), tracing a deceitful and unsearchable heart into all its turnings and windings. The work was that of one who is every- where, and who knows everything, and who is of one mind, and so not to be turned (Jer. xvii. 10); who will not " faint, nor be discouraged, till he have brought forth judgment unto victory." (Isa. xlii. 4.) The work is uniform, though variously carried on through many interruptions, over many oppositions, for a long tract of time, by means seemingly weak, improper, and contrary, suitable only for Him whose " ways are in the sea, and whose paths are in the great waters, and whose footsteps are not kno"vvn." In a word, it was a bush burning, and not consumed (Exod. iii. 3), only by the presence of God. It was a spark maintained in the midst of an ocean, notwithstanding floods continually poured on it to extinguish it. This flame was maintained by oil secretly conveyed into it. " This is the doing of the Lord, and it is wondrous in our eyes." (Ps. cxviii. 23.)

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PAKT Til.

C50NTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE LORD's WORK FOR THE SPACE OF ABOUT THREE YEARS ENSUING, FROM AUGUST 1696, TO JUNE 1699; THE DREADFUL STRAIT I WAS AT LAST BROUGHT TO, WITH MY OUTGATE, AND THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FOR SOME TIME AFTER THIS.

CHAPTER I.

Giving an account of the progress of my convictions^ temptations^ and vain reliefs^ from the time I went to the Wemyss till I was at last brought to the utmost extremity.

When I had studied philosophy three years, heing tickled with it, and somewhat puffed up with what pro- gress I had made, and designed and expected to make (though I must own, that still as knowledge increased, self-conceit decreased, and I apprehended I knew more the first year than ever I thought I knew afterwards); heing thus prepared, I designed to go ahroad, and im- prove myself further, to which also I was advised. But two things hroke this project. My mother would not consent; and the former exercise having hrought me into bondage through fear of death, I was afraid to run the hazards I must run of my life, so long as I was in , so unsettled a case as to my soul's state. AYherefore.

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upon the motion of some friends, I consented rather to engage as chaplain to a family for some time.

Accordingly, August 1696, I went to the Wemyss. When I came here, a stranger amongst strangers and persons of considerable quality, by my natural bashful- ness, the censoriousness of my auditors, the publicity of the appearances I was obliged to make, to M^hich for- merly I had not been accustomed, my want of breeding, and the like, I was for a time in a very great strait, forced to retiredness, and to petition for help how to carry. And though it was my own, not the Lord's honour I designed and was concerned for, yet he that hears the cry of the ravens (Job xxxviii. 41; Ps. cxlvii. 9), and would not overlook Ahab's humiliation (1 Kings xxi. 29), and the Ninevites' repentance (Jonah iii. 10), did not fail me in my straits, but helped, so far as was necessary, to maintain the respect due to the station I was in, and to obtain kindness.

During the first half year or so that I was here I was somewhat diverted from my main work, being obliged to study what was necessary for my accomplishment for converse in the world. But still I held on, and the more difficulty I met with, I kept the closer to the form of religion I had taken up. Besides, now my station called and obliged me to somewhat more. But leaving this, which is only introductory, I proceed to that which is mainly and only designed in this narrative.

I had not been long here when I was often necessarily, and frequently without sufficient necessity, engaged in debates about the truth of religion, the divinity of the Scriptures, and the most important doctrines delivered in them, whereby I was drawn to read the writings of deists and other enemies to religion, that I might be acquainted with the arguments whereby those whom I sometimes had occasion to dispute with opposed the truth. As to the issue of those arguings with respect to

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others, I shall here waive it, because others are concerned in it; only I may say I found it true, that "foolish questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and strivings about the law, are unprofitable and vain" (Tit. iii. 9) ; for " evil men and seducers Avax worse and worse, deceiving and being decfeived" (2 Tim. iii. 13), and "profane and vain babblings do increase unto more ungodliness." (2 Tim. ii. 16.) And to my sad ex- perience I fomid that " their word doth eat as doth a canker" or gangrene. (2 Tim. ii. 17.) It is of an infectious and contagious nature; and therefore it is safest to shun and avoid them, and follow the wise man's advice, to " forsake the foolish, and live" (Prov. ix. 6); and depart from " a foolish man when we perceive not in him the lips of knowledge" (Prov. xiv. 7); and " cease from the instruction that causes to err from the words of knowledge." (Prov. xix. 27.)

This was of very dangerous consequence to me, and could not prove otherwise to one in my case. For — 1 . I was not " rooted and grounded in the truth" (Eph. iii. 17; Col. ii. 7), being neither notionally instructed in the grounds whereon the Scriptm*e is received, nor acquainted practically with its power, and so was naked of that armom- of light (Rom. xiii. 12) that is necessary toward a conflict with such enemies. 2. The power of that enmity and darkness which incline the vain mind of man to reject and carp at the truths of God as fool- ishness, still remained unsubdued ; and so I was as the children who are " tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine." (Col. i. 13; Eph. iv. 17; 1 Cor. ii. 14; 1 John ii. 9.) 3. The objections I found started were many, they struck at the foundations, were new and surprising to one who was so unsettled, and were dressed up " by the sleight and cunning craftiness" of them who " lie in wait to deceive." (Eph. iv. 14.) 4. I was not acquainted with that watchfulness, vigilance, and humble

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sobriety, that was necessary to prevent Satan's gaining any advantage. 5. Hereon Satan, finding so fair an occasion, slipt it not ; for lie goes about seeking such seasons (1 Pet. v. 8); and finding things thus, he im- proved it to my great disquietment.

The adversary finding all thmgs thus prepared, set on me furiously, and employed many against me. — 1. He wrought up the natural atheism, darkness, and enmity of my heart, to vent itself against the truths of religion, in foolish inquiries : " Is it so ? how can these things be?" and what authority hast thou, since thou requirest such things? (Ps. Ixxiii. 11; John iii. 9; Matt. xi. 28.) 2. He employed some who had all advantages, and were the most likely to prevail — persons smooth, sober, and who opposed the truth with rational argu- ments; such sometimes the devil makes use of, who seem themselves " not far from the kingdom of God " (Mark xii. 34), like the scribe who answered and ques- tioned our Lord civilly — whose "words are smoother than butter, while war is in their heart." (Ps. Iv. 21.) And these are usually more prevalent; for with their " fair speeches they deceive the hearts of the simple." (Rom. xvi. 18.) 3. He himself acted sometimes the- subtle serpent, putting and suggesting subtle queries: " Hath God said so?" (Gen. iii. 1.) And sometimes he threw in fiery darts to inflame and disorder me. (Eph. vi. 11, 12, 16.) Thus I found when I was alone, when I was in prayer and most serious, hellish oaths, and grievous blasphemous suggestions cast forcibly into my mind, which made me tremble. No wonder he should deal so with me, when he impudently suggested to "Him in whom he had nothing" (John xiv. 30) such blasphemous proposals, as that of falling down to worship him. (Matt. iv. 9.)

By all these ways he assaulted me, and I was griev- ouslv tossed about all the truths of religion. — 1. The

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being of God was again brought in question. The enemy said daily: " Where is thy God?" and the atheism of my heart said also, " There is no God; and Who is the Lord? (Ps. xlii. 3, 10, xiv. 1; Exod. v. 2.) 2. I was assaulted about his providence, and all the disorders of the world were urged, to my great disturbance. " As for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well- nigh slipt. The ungodly prosper in the world, they increase in riches, and therefore his people return hither; waters of a full cup are wrung out to them : and they say, How doth God know? and is there knowledge in the Most High?" (Ps. Ixxiii. 2-13.) 3. I was assaulted as to the truth of the word, and many ways troubled about it; when I read, when I thought about it, I was plied hard with grievous suggestions. Some- times the want of sufficient evidence was complained of : " What sign showest thou, then, that we may see and believe thee? what dost thou work?" (John vi. 30.) At other times it was blamed, one while, of obscurity: " How long dost thou make us doubt ? if thou be the Christ tell us plainly " (John x. 24.) And anon, another suggestion was clapped in against some passages, as hard : " This is a hard saying, who can hear it?" (John vi. 60.) When this took not, it was accused in some places of plain blasphemy : " He hath spoken blasphemy : ye have heard his blasphemy." (Matt. xxvi. 65.) It was blamed as contradictory to itself: " We have heard out of the law, that Christ abideth for ever; and how sayest thou, The Son of Man must be lifted up ? " (John xii. 34.) Its promises were called in question: '' Where is the promise of his coming?" (2 Pet. iii. 4.) As were also its threats: " Every vision faileth" — " Be- hold they say unto me. Where is the word of the Lord ? let it come now." (Ezek. xii. 22; Jer. xvii. 15.) Thus was I daily perplexed, insomuch that it was a terror sometimes, for fear of these suggestions, to look into the

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Bible. 4. The mystery of tlie gospel was particularly set upon, and represented as foolishness, as setting up new o-ods, and often \^a^ T put to answer, " How can these, things he?" (1 Coi. i. 23; Acts xvii. 18; John iii. 9.)

The subtle enemy who had often solicited me to high thoughts of myself, now, when he found it for his pur- pose, urged upon me mean thoughts of myself, and pressed to a bastard sort of humility. He often whispered me in the ear. It is vain for you to expect to rid yourself of these difficulties, when so many learned men, who have studied the point with so much care, and who were far more capable to discern the truth, cannot reach satisfaction, but have rejected them : " Have any of the rulers or the pharisees believed on him ? But this people, whoknoweth not the law, are cursed." (John vii. 48, 49.)

By this I was brought into grievous perplexity and many sad tossings : " My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me. Where is thy God?" (Ps. xlii. 8.) But still I tried \\Tong courses. — 1. I attempted by my own reasonings to re- lieve myself : " I thought to know this." (Ps. Ixxiii. 6.) 2. When this failed, I bought, I read books Avritten about the truth of religion. This, indeed, had it been kept in its own place, was allowable and useful. (Job viii. 8, 9, &c.) But I expected more than I had reason to look for; and as I used it, this was only the fruit of unbelief, and a vain com'se, running to Ashur, sending to Egypt. (Hos. vii. 11.) 3. I wished for visions, voices, or some extraordinary course : "Nay, but if one rise from the dead they will believe." (Luke xvi. 30.) 4. When these failed, with the sluggard I sat down discom-aged: " The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh." (Eccles. iv. 5.) 5. I sometimes betook myself to prayer; but herein I desiderated success, not seeking in the right way, nor to right ends. (James iv. 3.)

But all these ways failed me: " I took counsel in my

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soul, having sorrow in my heart daily. I said, I will be wise, but it was far from me. That which is far off and exceeding deep, who can find it out ? " (Eccles. vii. 23, 24.) — 1. As to my o^vn reasonings, they availed not against him who esteems iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood : " When I thought to know it, it was too painful." (Ps. Ixxiii. 16.) It was labour in mine eyes.

2. As for books, besides that they satisfied not as to those things they mentioned, many of my scruples were such as were overlooked by them, so they proved phy- sicians of no value : " How profitable are right words ! but what doth your arguing reprove?" (Job vi. 25.)

3. As to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them : " They have Moses and the prophets; and if they will not believe them, neither would they believe though one should rise from the dead." (Luke xvi. 31.) 4. My sloth still increased my trouble; that foolish poring fretted my spirit, and slew me : " The desire of the sluggard killeth him, because his hands refuse to work." (Prov. xxi. 25.)

I had quite sunk under the weight of this trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow, and landed in despair, if its force had not been somewhat abated by occasional considerations that were by the good hand of God, some- times one way, sometimes another, brought to my mind. — 1. When the hellish conclusions at which all these temptations aimed — the renouncing of religion, rejecting the Scriptures, &c. — were urged, it was often seasonably suggested : " To whom shall we go ? thou hast the words of eternal life." (John vi. 68.) The Lord powerfully convinced, and kept the conviction strong on my mind, that at what time I parted with revelation, I behoved to give up with all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. What deists told me of the demonstra- tions of a future happiness built only upon nature's light, had no weight with me, because I had tried those long

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ago, and found them, to my apprehension, inconclusive ; and had they been conclusive, I was never a whit the nearer satisfaction. To tell me of such a state, without any account of its nature, or the terms whereon it is at- tainable, was all one as if nothing had been said about it. This created still a dread of the conclusion in my mind ; and still when I was solicited to quit the Scriptures, I returned, " To whom shall I go, to find the words of eternal life ? " 2. Upon a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but look on them (though their real worth I did not yet discern) as the better part of mankind; and the Lord created a dread in my soul of conclusions that imported the charge of a lie, in a matter of the greatest importance, against the better part of mankind; " If I should speak thus, I would offend against the generation of thy children." (Ps. Ixxiii. 15.) 3. The Lord opened mine eyes to see the remarkable folly of those who abandoned revealed religion. Not to mention the impious lives of the generality, I saw the more sober sort guilty of unaccountable folly. The Scripture tells them plainly, that if they have a mind to be satisfied as to the truth of its pretensions, they must walk in the way of its precepts to find it : " If any man will do His will, he shall know this doctrine if it is of God, or if I speak of myself." (John vii. 17.) But they walk in a direct contradiction to its precepts, and yet complain of the want of evidence, while they refuse to try that way wherein only it is to be found. Again . some sober and learned, and otherwise inquisitive per- sons own, that if we are either cut off from hopes, or left in uncertainty about a future state of happiness, we are miserable, and that they themselves are as yet imcer- tain. While after all this has been by them confessed, and by some to myself, I saw them either at little or no pains to be satisfied: " The scomer seeketh wis- dom, and findeth it not" (Prov. xiv. 6); yea, I found

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tills sort of persons much more eager in searching after ■what might strengthen their doubts, than what might satisfy them. This smellecl rank of a hatred of hght. iSTow, I thought it was not safe to follow those whom I saw so evidently foolish, and who did so plainly proclaim their own folly: " Evil men understand not judgment; but they that seek the Lord understand all things.' (Prov. xxviii. 5.) This had that weight with me, that 1 now ceased to wonder that such were unsatisfied about the truth of religion, and that there was no ground of doubtiiig its truth because they were unsatisfied. 4. The shining evidence of the power of religion in the lives, but more especially in the deaths, of the martyrs, of whom I had formerly read, often stayed me as to this, that there is a reality in religion, when I was beaten from all other holds: " They were tortured, not accepting deli- verance, that they might obtain a better resurrection." (Heb. xi. 35.) Here I behoved to own the finger of God, especially when I considered their numbers, their quality, and all circumstances. 5. The knoAvn instances of the power of religion in children in their tender years was of great use sometimes, and appeared of great weight. It checked the force of temptations that drove me to doubt of the reality of religion; thus " out of the mouth of babes and sucklings the Lord ordained strength," and in some measure stilled the enemy and the avenger. (Ps. viii. 2.) 6. The sensible and violent opposition I found Satan making to the Scriptures in all the forementioned ways, was often staying, and persuaded me in some measure that there behoved to be a reality in religion ; and I could not see what could induce him thus to op- pose it, if it were a cheat: " Is Satan divided ?" (Matt, xii. 26.) 7. I got frequent touches in a way of con- viction; and thus finding the power and piercing virtue of the word making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to fall down and own God to be in it of a

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truth. (Heb. iv. 12.) 8. Satan sometimes departed and left me for a season; and then I had some inter- mission of my sore trouble. (1 Cor. xiv. 25; Luke iv. 13.) 9. I found a secret hope begot and cherished, I could not tell how, at some seasons, even amidst the violence of temptations, that I should be satisfied, and that I should " yet have good cause to praise God " (Ps. xlii. 5, 8, 11), and that what I knew not now I should know hereafter (John xiii. 7) ; which was strengthened by the consideration of what others had met with who had been trysted with temptations that were some way like mine: albeit I doubted if ever, in all respects, any had been so molested as I, and if there was " any sor- row like unto mine." (Lam. i. 12.) Yea, sometimes I was made to hope that Satan's raging foreboded that his time was but short. (Rev. xii. 12.)

As by these and the like means, the force of the temptation was somewhat broken, so I was encouraged to several things, in which I have reason to own God was kind to me, in holding me to them. — 1. Hereby I was engaged to hold on in an attendance, with more concern in duties of religion, public, private, and secret, and so to wait at Wisdom's door-posts (Prov. ^^ii. 84) ; ■which afterwards I found the advantage of. 2. Hereby I was enabled to conceal all my own straits from others, who thereby might either have been stumbled, or hard- ened in their evil way: I was unwilling others should know anything that might disgust them at religion: *' Tell it not in Gath, lest the daughters of the uncir- cumcised triumph." (2 Sam. i. 20.) In converse with such as were shaken, I still endeavoured to stand for the truth, as if I had been under no doubt about it; and I must own, that while I did so, the Lord often counte- nanced me, and satisfied me as to what I had formerly been disquieted about. How good a master is God ! a word spoken for him is not lost ; nor will he suffer the

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least service to pass iinrewarded : a heathen Cyrus must have his hire, and so must Nebuchadnezzar. (Ezek. xxix. 19.)

Before I leave this, I must observe some things which the Lord taught me by this exercise. — 1. I hereby learned the danger and vanity of reasoning Avith Satan. When I began to answer him Avith my o^^ll reasonings, he had still great advantage: he easily evaded all my arguments, and easily repelled my answers, and enforced his suggestions; and when his suggestions were not to be maintained in point of argument, he injected them with that impudent violence that I was not able to stand against. Our safest course is to resist, and to hold at a distance, to avoid communing with him. (1 Pet. V. 9; James iv. 7; Matt. iv. 10, 11; Jude 9.) 2. I must observe, also, the wise providence of God, that the greatest difficulties that lie against religion are hid from atheists. All the objections I met with in their writings were not nearly so subtle as those which were often suggested to me. The reason of it, from the nature of the thing, is obvious — such persons take not a near-hand view of religion ; and while persons stand at a distance, neither are the difficulties that attend it nor the advantages of it discerned. Again, Satan finding all things quiet with them, keeps all so; and finding that they are easily ensnared, he uses not force. (Luke xi. 21.) It is where he is in danger of losing a person that he useth his utmost efforts: when Christ is ready to cast him out, then he rages and tears poor souls. (Mark ix. 20.) Besides, the Lord, in his infinite wis- dom, permits not all these hellish subtleties to be pub- lished, in tenderness to the faith of the weak. He that sets bounds to the raging of the sea, and says, " Hitherto shalt thou come, and here shall thy proud waves be stayed" (Job xxxviii. 11), keeps Satan under chains, and he cannot step beyond his permission. (Rev. xx. 1.)

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This exercise had sundry effects upon me. — 1. The fears I was brought under fixed a deeper sense of my frailty in general on me, and that I was but a man: " Put them in fear, that the nations may know them- selves to be but men. Selah." (Ps. ix. 20.) 2. Hereby the Lord withheld me from my vain projections about learning. Now, I was so far from expecting, as some time I had done, that I feared I should fall short of what was absolutely needful to my own well-being: " I said, I ^vill be ^vise; but it was far from me." (Eccles. vii. 23.) 3. Whereas I was educated -with an eye to the ministry, and I aimed that way, now I came to see the difficulty, and repent my rash intentions; and laid down a resolution to look no more that way, unless the Lord satisfied me fully about those truths whereof I now doubted. I could not without horror think of speaking to others what I believed not myself. (2 Cor. iv. 13.) 4, My bondage, " through fear of death," was increased and grew stronger. (Heb. ii. 15.) 5. I was urged to somewhat more of closeness in the performance of duty; though often I was urged to give it over as vain, yet I still resolved to hold on there. 6. I was still more and more confirmed in the necessity of further evidence for the truth of religion than I either had attained, or knew how to attain.

All this while I was under sundry inconveniences, that increased my trouble, and gave advantage to my corruptions. — 1. Most of the converse I had was with such as helped forward my trouble. I was a companion of fools, and so, nigh to destruction; for '-he that walks with the wise shall be wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed." (Prov. xiii. 20.) Again, 2. I had no friend to whom I could, with freedom and any prospect of satisfaction, impart my mind : " Woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up." (Eccles. iv. 10.) 3.

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Endeavours to conceal entirely my concern and trouble broke me: "When I kept silence, my bones waxed old." (Ps. xxxii. 3.) 4. I was laid aside from my studies, and had no diversion, nor could follow any; I had heart to nothing — could not read, unless that some- times I read the Scriptures, or some other practical book. Unless when there was an intermission of my trouble, for near a year and a half I read very little; and this slothful posture laid me open to temptations, and made corruption grow stronger : " I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding; and, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, and the stone-wall thereof was broken do^\Ti." (Pror. xxiv. 30, 31.)

Hereon my corruption took vent several ways. — 1 . In vain and slothful desires : " I desired, and had not." (Prov. xiii. 4.) 2. In foolish contrivances and searches how to ease my smart : " I communed with my own heart upon my bed, and my spirit made dili- gent search" (Ps. Ixxvii. 3, 6), but without a due eye to the Lord. 3. I spent my time in foolish com- plaints that dispirited me; I complained, and my spirit Avas overwhelmed. 4. I was sometimes at cursinsr the day of my birth, wishing that I had never been bom, or that I had died as soon as bom : " Why died J not from the womb? Why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?" (Job iii. 11.) 5. I wished often that I had been in other circumstances, and that I had been bred to the plough, or some such employment, and that I might have in the desert a cottage, " a place of wayfaring men," where I might give myself to continual grief." (Jer. ix. 2.) 6. My spirit sometimes rose in quarrellings against God : " I thought on God, and was troubled." (Ps. Ixxvii. 3.) I said, " Wherefore do I cry, and thou dost not hear

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me?" (Job XXX. 20.) And frequently I was not far from that, " Wilt thou alway be to me as a liar, and waters that fail?" (Jer. xv. 18.)

After I had thus wearied myself, after the edge and violence of the temptations above-mentioned were, by the formerly-narrated considerations, blunted, and some- what broken rather than removed, and I eased by Satan's departure for a season, I inclined to rest; and Satan hereon finding matters prepared for an assault, he made fresh attempts in another and no less disquieting man- ner: " When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest and finding none. Then he saith, I will return to my house from whence I came out: and when he cometh, he findeth it empty, swept and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first." (Matt. xii. 43, 44.)

The devil cannot be at rest where he hath no mischief to do to men. The devil so leaveth none but he will be attempting to come into them again; and he ordi- narily succeedeth where Christ hath not prepossessed the soul: all other reformation proves but a sweeping and a garnishing, while the soul is empty of Christ. It may be swept from the filth of flagitious sins, and garnished with the paint of religion, or some habits of moral virtue ; but none of these will keep out the devil. Thus I found it to my cost. For — 1 . Satan, finding my soul, after all my sad tossings, empty of Christ, re- turned. 2. And my soul being like the " vineyard of the sluggard" (Prov. xxiv. 31), by sloth defenceless, without its stone-wall, he easily found opportunity to sow tares, and, while I slept, to cultivate the thorns and nettles which naturally grow there. 3. It was no hard matter to persuade one so wearied that rest was

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good (Gen. xlix. 15), and that there was a lion in the way. (Prov. xxii. 13.) And, 4. Having thus pos- session and quiet abode with his seven other spmts — my own corruptions — he quickly made my last state worse than my first. My enemies grew strong and lively (Ps. xxxviii. 19); my corruptions began vigorously to exert themselves.

Hereon the Lord, minding his own work, brought, in the ministry of the word, the law in its spiritual mean- ing nearer. And then — 1 . " Sin revived, and I died." (Rom. vii. 9.) I found more discernibly the stirrings of corruptions. Yea, 2. Sin taking occasion from the commandment, and being fretted by the light let into my soul from the word, it wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. Lusts of all sorts, self, sloth, formality, &c., strove to maintain their own place. 3. Hereby I was plunged in deeper guilt; mine iniquities went over my head. And, 4. Hereby my challenges were sharp- ened, and I found no rest in my bones for sins that I had done. (Ps. xxxviii. 3, 4.)

Under this distress, I still, as formerly, sought to other physicians rather than to the Lord. For — 1. Having now, by the knowledge of the truth, " escaped the pollutions of the world" (2 Pet. ii. 20), my exer- cise was much about the more secret actings of sin, and its working in the heart; and as to these I sometimes used extenuations and excuses, taken from the strength of the temptations I lay under, and other considerations of that sort; and sometimes this was done not without secret reflections on God. This was Adam's way: " The woman whom thou gavest me to be with me, she gave me, and I did eat." (Gen. iii. 12.) 2. Some- times, after my engagements and vows, and breaches of them, when I found conscience disturb me, I began to inquire whether the things were sin? and endeavoured to persuade myself that some which were most disturb-

94 MEMOIRS OF THE

ing Avere none. Thus, " after vows, I made inquiry." (Prov. XX. 25.) 3. I at last, when all these courses failed, again said, I will not transgress, and made new vows and resolutions, accompanied with sorrow for my former breaches, and solemnly bound myself against my sins, especially those that predominated : " Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in haste, and said, I have sinned against the Lord your God, and against you. Now, therefore, forgive, I pray thee, my sin only this once." (Exod. x. 16, 17.) 4. I set apart time for fasting and prayer in secret; and, November 23, 1697, on a time set apart for prayer, I drew up a short account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly bound myself to God to walk in his ways; and when my own heart told me that I could not serve the Lord, I said, "Nay, but I will serve the Lord." (Josh. xxiv. 21.)

But all these proved physicians of no value; for I found — 1. That they were not able to keep me longer than till a temptation came in my way from sin. When- ever this appeared, corruption, that had been so far from being really weakened by all these inventions, that it really grew in strength, broke down all that I had set in its way: "Of old time I have broken thy yoke, and burst thy bands, and thou saidst, I will not transgress; when upon every green tree thou wanderest, playing the harlot." (Jer. ii. 20.) 2. I found these vain ways I took to smother convictions were not able to procure me peace, but really increased my inward disquietment, and wasted my spirit : " When I kept silence" (that is, when I sinfully endeavoured to suppress my guilt and trouble) " my bones waxed old, through my roaring all the day long." (Ps. xxxii. 3.) 8. The Lord in mercy gave me no rest in any of these inventions, but suffered me to weary myself in seeking my lovers, that I might at length betake myself to him. For so long as I fol-

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lowed these ways, " day and night his hand lay heavy upon me : my moisture was turned into the drought of summer." (Ps. xxxii. 4.)

Though hitherto I failed of a right issue, yet I was carried a great length in compliance with con^dctions. I kept myself from open pollutions, I was careful in duties of worship, yea, further, I was much in secret ; I received the Avord with joy; I was often challenged for secret pride, unbelief, and other heart-spiritual evils, and as to the knowledge of them, was considerably en- lightened. I fasted, prayed, mourned in secret. I resolved and strove against sin, even my peculiar sins that I loved best. Thus I had with others " a name to live," and took up a form of religion. (Rev. iii. 1 ; 2 Tim. iii. 5.) Yet for all this I was a stranger to its power, which the following evidences sufficiently mani- fest ; for whatever lengths I went, yet — 1 . 1 was a stranger to the glorious and blessed rehef through the imputation of the righteousness of Christ : not that I had not some notions of this, for I professed to embrace it; but reallv I was in the dark, as to its glorious efficacy, tendency, and design. I was ignorant of " the righteousness of God" all the while. (Rom. x. 3.) 2. Still in all this the eye was not single. (Matt. vi. 22.) It was only the saving of myself, without any eye to the Lord's glory, I designed. (Rom. ix. 31.) 3. It was still by some righteousness of my own, in whole or part, that I sought relief. No wonder peace was unstable, that stood upon so weak a foundation. 4. Though I was. by the force of conviction, brought to part with my be- loved sins, or consent to their destruction, yet it was neither without reluctance, nor without some secret reserve. It was like Pharaoh's consent in the like case, when his servants persuaded him of the danger of his persisting in his sin. Moses and Aaron were brought back again to Pharaoh: and he said unto them : " Go,

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serve the Lord your God: but who are they that shall go?" (Exod. X. 8.) 5. My heart was utterly averse from spirituality. Sometimes, through the force of con- victions, I was indeed brought, for some time, to aim at getting my mind fixed upon heavenly things, and kept on the thoughts of them; but my heart being yet carnal, I wearied of this bent, and of this forcible reli- gion. And it was intolerable to think of being always spiritual: " The carnal mind is enmity against God, is not subject to the law of God, nor can it indeed be." (Rom. viii. 7.)

By these means I was at last brought to an extremity ; for — 1. My sins were " set in order before me." (Ps.

1. 21.) " Innumerable evils compassed me about; mine ini(][uities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs upon my head, therefore my heart faileth me." (Ps. xl. 12.)

2. They were set in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations; and all shifts, extenuations, pleas, and defences, were rejected, and " my mouth stopped before God." (Rom. iii. 19.) 3. All the vain ways I had taken for my relief baffled my expectation, and increased my pain : they were " the staff of a broken reed;" they pierced my arm, when I essayed to lean on them, and I was ashamed, and even confounded, that I had hoped. (Isa. xxxvi. 6.) 4. The wrath of God was dropped into my soul, and " the poison of his arrows drank up my spirits." (Job vi. 20.) 5. I was as yet unsatisfied as to the truths of religion, and mine enemies often told me, that even " in God there was no succour for me." (Ps. iii. 2.) <). Yea, at some times Satan, to entangle me more, assaulted all the truths of religion at once, and then I was dreadfully confounded, when the Lord commanded that mine enemies should be round about me; and they " compassed me about like bees." (Ps. cxviii. 11, 12.) 7. All ways I took to bear down

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my corruptions proved of no avail; for " sin revived, and I died," yea, "taking occasion by the commandment, it slew me." (Rom. vii. 9, 11.)

By the extremity of this anguish I was for some time, about the close of 1697 and beginning of 1698, dreadfully cast do^vn. I was weary of my life. Often did I use Job's words: " I loathe it, I would not live alway." (Job vii. 16.) And yet I Avas afraid to die. I had no rest; " my sore ran in the night," and it ceased not in the day. (Ps. Ixxvii. 2.) At night I wished for day; and in the day I wished for night. (Deut. xxviii. S6, 67.) I said, " My couch shall comfort me;" but then dark- ness was as the " shadow of death." (Job vii. 13, x. 21.) When I was in this case, I was often brought to the brink of despair: " He filled me with bitterness; he made me drunk with wormwood. He broke all my teeth with gi-avel-stones ; he covered me with ashes." (Lam. iii. 15.) He removed my soul far from peace: I forgot prosperity. And I said. My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord; remembering mine affliction, and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul had them still in remembrance, and was bowed in me. (Lam. iii. 16-20.) Now I was made to think it a wonder that I was not consumed; and though I dreaded destruction from the Almighty, yet I could not but justify him, if he had destroyed me: " Righteous is the Lord, for I have rebelled." (Lam. i. 18.) I was made to fear that the Lord would make me a " Magor-missabib," a terror to myself (Jer. xx. 4), and all round about: and that he would make some dreadful discovery of my wickedness, that would make me a reproach to religion, and give the enemies advan- tage; which put me upon the psalmist's prayer: " De- liver me from all my transgressions; make me not the reproach of the foolish." (Ps. xxxix. 8.) I was made to wonder that I was not alreadv -cut off; and indeed

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this was sometimes reviving: "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail liot. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope." (Lam. iii. 20, 21.) But this hope was easily clouded. It amounted to no more than this : " Who can tell but he naay be gracious?" (2 Sam. xii. 22.) And to this my fearful heart suggested the greatness of ray sins, as above the reach of pardoning mercy; and Satan daily urged me to give over, and take some desperate course — to say, " There is no hope." (Isa. Ivii. 10.) Thus I walked about, dejected, weary, and heavy laden — weary of my disease, and weary of the vain courses I had taken for relief, and uncertain what to do, what course to take : "I took counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily." (Ps. xiii. 2.)

CHAPTER 11.

Containing an account of the outgate I got about the close of January 16*98, and the state of matters thereon.

If this extremity had lasted much longer, my soul had sunk under the weight of it, and even, while I was in this case, would have ruined me, if the Lord had not secretly supported in times of the greatest extremity, and, as it were, held me by the hand, even while I carried myself most wickedly. " So foolish was I and ignorant : I was as a beast before thee. Nevertheless, . . . . thou hast holden me by my right hand." (Ps. Ixxiii. 22, 23.) And at this extremity the Lord stepped in; when I had destroyed myself, he let me see help in him. (Hos. xiii. 9.) He found me lying wallowing in my blood (Ezek. xvi. 6), in a helpless and hopeless con- dition. I had none that would or could saA^e me. I

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was forsaken of all my lovers. I was caught in the thicket. I was quite overcome, neither was I in case to fight or flee. And then the Lord passed by me, cast his skirt over me, and made this time a time of love : " And Abraham called the name of that place, Jehovah- jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen." (Gen. xxii. 14.)

I cannot be very positive about the day or hour of this deliverance, nor can I satisfy many other questions about the way and manner of it. But this is of no con- sequence, if the work is in substance sound, for " the wind bloweth where it listeth; and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit." (John iii. 8.) M any things about the way and manner we may be ignorant of, while we are sufficiently sure of the effects. As to these things, I must say Avith the blind man, " I know not : one thing I know, that whereas I vvas blind, now I see." (John ix. 25.)

However, it w^as toward the close of January, or the beginninof of Febiniarv, 1698, that this seasonable relief came; and so far as I can remember, I was at secret prayer in very great extremity, not far from despair, when the Lord seasonably stepped in, and gave this merciful turn to affairs : " When I said, My foot slippeth, thy mercy held me up." (Ps. xciv. 18.) And when there was none to save, then his own arm brought sal- vation : " God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, shined into my mind, to give the light of the knoAvledge of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ.'^ (2 Cor. iv. 6.)

That which yielded me this relief was a discovery of the Lord, £is manifested in the word. He said to me, " Thou hast destroyed thyself, but in me is thy help." (Hos. xiii. 9.) Now the Lord discovered, in the manner afterwards to be mentioned, several things, which I shall

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here take notice of. — 1, He let me see that "there are forgivenesses with him," — that with him " there is mercy, and plenteous redemption." (Ps. cxxx. 4, 7.) He made all his "goodness pass before me, and he pro- claimed his name, The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suifering and abundant in good- ness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgression and sin, who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious, and will show mercy to whom he will show mercy." (Exod. xxxiii. 19, xxxiv. 5.) This was a strange sight to one, wdio before looked on God only as "a consuming fire" (Heb. xii. 29), which I could not " see and live." (Exod. xxxiii. 20.) 2. He brought me from Sinai and its thunderings, to Moimt Zion, " and to the Mediator of the new covenant; and to the blood of sprinkling," that cleanseth from all sin, " and speaks better things than the blood of Abel." (Heb. xii. 22, 24.) He revealed Christ in his glory. I now with wonder " beheld his glory, as the glory of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." (John i. 14.) And I was hereon made to say : " Thou art fairer than the sons of men." (Ps. xlv. 2.) 3. Hereon he let me see that he who had before rejected all that T could offer was well pleased in the Beloved : " Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt- offerings and sin-offerings hast thou not required : then said I, Lo, I come : in the volume of the book it is written of me, I delight to do thy will, O my God." (Ps. xl. 6, T.) And, 4. Hereby I was further fully satisfied that not only there was forgiveness of sins and justification by free grace, " through the redemption that is ir Jesus, whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation, through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God" (Rom. iii. 24); but, moreover, I saw with wonder and delight, in

/

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some measure, how God, by this means, might be just in justifying even the ungodly who beHeve in Jesus. (Rom. iv. 5.) How was I ravished with dehght, when made to see that the God in whom, a httle before, I thought there was no hope for me, or any sinner in my case, if there were any such, notwithstanding his spotless puritv, his deep hatred of sin, his inflexible justice and righteous- ness, and his untainted faithfulness, pledged in the threatening of the law, might not only pardon, but, without prejudice to his justice or other attributes, be just in justifying even the ungodly ! The reconcilia- tion of those seemingly inconsistent attributes with one another, and with the salvation of sinners, quite sur- prised and astonished me. And, 5. The Lord further opened the gospel call to me, and let me see that to me, even to me, was the " word of this salvation sent." (Acts xiii. 26.) All this was offered to me, and I was invited secretly to come and " take the Avater of life freely" (Rev. xxii. 1 7) ; and to come in my distress unto this blessed rest: " Come to me, all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and ye shall find rest for your souls." (Matt. xi. 28.) 6. He, to my great satisfaction, gave me a pleasant discovery of his design in the whole — that it was " that no flesh might glory in his sight" (1 Cor. i. 29, 31), but that he who glories should have occasion only to glory in the Lord; that he might manifest the riches of his grace, and be exalted in showing mercy; and that we in the end might be saved, " to the praise of the glory of his grace, who made us accepted in the B(^- loved." (Eph. i. 6, 7; Isa. xxx. 18.) 7. The Lord revealed to my soul that full and suitable provision made in this way against the power of sin; that as there is righteousness in him, so there is strength, even ever- lasting strength, in the Lord Jehovah, to secure against all enemies (Isa. xlv. 24) ; and that in him there is sweet provision made against the guilt of sins, that through

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the power of temptatioR his people may be inveigled into: "These things write I unto you, that ye sin not; but if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and he is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world." (1 John ii. 1, 2.) 8. When this strange discovery was made of a relief, wherein full provision was made for all the concerns of God's glory, and my salvation, in subordination thereto, my soul was by a glorious and sweet power carried out to rest in it, as worthy of God, and every w^ay suitable and satisfying in my case : " They that know his name, W'ill put their trust in him." (Ps. ix. 10, cxix. 93.)

All these discoveries were conveyed to me only by the word. It was not, indeed, by one particular testimony, or promise of the word, but by the concurring light of a great many of the promises and testimonies of the word seasonably set home, and most plainly expressing the truths above-mentioned. The promises and truths of the word, in great abundance and variety, were brought to remembrance, and the wonders contained in them w^ere set before mine eyes in the light of the word. (John xiv. 26; Ps. cxix. 18.) "He sent his word, and healed me." (Ps. cvii. 20.) This was the rod of his strength, that made me willing (Ps. ex. 2, 3); and it was the plain word of salvation that I found to be the power of God. (Rom. i. 16.) I cannot positively say that the 2)articular places above-mentioned were the words w^hereby these discoveries were conveyed to my soul; but by these, or such like passages, and I believe by many even of those mentioned promises and truths, were the discoveries above-named made to me.

But it was not the word alone that conveyed the dis- covery; for most of the passages whereby I w'as relieved I had formerly in my distresses read and thought upon, without finding any relief in them. But now the Lord

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sliined into my mind by them. (2 Cor. iy. 6.) For merly I was only acquainted with the letter, which profits not (John vi. 63) ; but now the Lord's words were "spirit and life" (Ps. xxxvi. 9); and "in his light I saw light," God opening mine " eyes to see wonders out of his law." (Ps. cxix. 18.) There was light in them ; a burning light by them shone into my mind, to give me not merely some theoretical knowledge, but " the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ." (2 Cor. iv. 6.) And many dif- ferences I found betwixt the discoveries now made and the notions I formerly entertained of the same truths. — 1. It " shone from heaven" (Acts ix. 3); it was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but it shone suddenly about me; it came by the word of God — a heavenly mean; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things — the glory of God ; and it led me up as it were to heaven. Its whole tendency was heavenward. 2. It was a " true light" (John i. 9), giving true manifestations of God, even the one true God, and the one mediator between God and man; and giving a true view of my state with respect to God, not according to the foolish conceits I had formerly entertained, but as they are represented in the word. 3. It was a plea- sant and sweet light: " Truly light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun." (Eccles. xi. 7.) It had a heavenly satisfaction in God attending it. It led to a pleasure in the foimtain whence it came. 4. It was a distinct and clear light, repre- senting not only spiritual things, but manifesting them in their glory, and in their comely order (2 Cor. iv. 6); it put all things in their due line of subordination to God, and gave distinct and sweet views of their genuine tendency. 5. It was a satisfying light. The soul rested in the discoveries it made, and was satisfied; it could not doubt if it saw, or if the things were so as it

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represented them. (1 John ii. 27.) 6. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light. When this Sun of Righteousness arose, there was " healing under his wings." It was, like the summer's sun, warming. In a word, it was the light of life. (John viii. 12; 2 Cor. iv. 6.) 7. It was a great light. It made great and clear discoveries, w^hereby it easily distinguished itself from any former knowledge of these things I had at- tained. And, 8. It was a powerful light. It dissi- pated that thick darkness that overspread my mind, and made all those frightful temptations, that had formerly disturbed me, fly before it. When the Lord arose, " his enemies were scattered," and fled before his face. (Ps. Ixviii. 1.) 9. It was composing. It did not, like a flash of lightning, suddenly appear, and fill the soul only with amazement and fear; but it composed and quieted my soul, and put all my faculties in a due pos- ture, as it were, and gave me the exercise of them. (Cant. iii. 8, compared with Isa. Ivii. 19.) It destroyed not, but improved my former knowledge. These parti- culars might be explained and further amplified; but the nature of this narrative, and the brevity designed in it, will not allow me to insist; and I the more willingly stop here, and forbear to give any more large accomit of my small experience of this light, because I know that no words can express the notion that the weakest Christian, who has his eyes opened, really has of its glory. The true notion of light is not conveyed by the ear. The ear tries words, the taste meats (Job xii. 11); but it is the eye that beholds the sun. No words can convey a true notion of light to the blind; and he that has eyes, at least while he sees it, will need no words to describe it. It manifests itself and other things. (Eph. v. 13.) It is like the new " name, that none knows save he who has it." (Rev. ii. 17.) And they who really see, but because their light is weaker, and Satan

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raises mists to obscure it, will be more capable of judging of it by its effects, than by any account of its nature. Therefore, I shall forbear to speak any more of that, and now proceed to account for the effects, whereby its reality and difference from former light will more ob- viously, evidently, and convincingly appear. However, at least, while this shining brightness lasted, this one thing it convinced me fully of, and made me certainly know, " that whereas I was blind, now I saw." (John ix. 25.)

The first discernible effect of this discovery was, an approbation of God's way of saving sinners by Jesus Christ, to the praise of the glory of his grace, which I take to be the true scriptural notion of justifying faith; for this not only answers the Scripture descriptions of it, by " receiving, coming to him, looking to him, trust- ing and believing in him," &c. (John i. 12; Matt. xi. 28; Heb. xii. 2; Ps. ix. 10; Rom. iv. 20), but it really gives him that glory that he designed by all this contrivance — the glory of his wisdom, grace, mercy, and truth. Now this discovery of the Lord's name brought me to trust in him, and glory only in the Lord. T found my soul fully satisfied in these discoveries, as pointing out a way of relief altogether and in all re- spects suitable to the need of a poor, guilty, self-con- demned, self-destroyed sinner, beaten from all other reliefs, and who has his mouth stopped before God, after he has spent all his substance to no purpose upon other physicians. (Mark v. 26.) In this I rested as a way full of peace, comfort, security, and satisfaction, as pro- viding abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured. And this approbation was not merely for a fit, but ever after in all temptations it discovered itself. — 1. By keeping me up in a fixed assent, and adherence of mind to, and persuasion of, this truth, " That God has given to us eternal life, and this life is only in his

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Son." (1 John v. 11.) 2. When afterwards I was under temptations, solicited to go away and seek relief in other w^ays, it still kept ine constant in a firm resolute rejection of all other ways of relief, and renunciation of all proposals that led to them, even when I found not the present comfort of this way; I ever held at that with Ephraim : " What have I any more to do with idols ?" (Hos. xiv. 8.) And with the disciples I still said, " To whom shall I go ? thou hast the w^ords of eternal life." (John vi. 68.) 3. In all my 'after-exer- cises about guilt, my soul counted all things but loss that it might win Christ, and get a new discovery oi him. (Phil. iii. 8.) When challenges disturbed, when thoughts of an appearance to judgment were suggested, w^henever I was in a strait, this was the only sanctuary I took relief in : Let me " be found in him, not having mine own righteousness but his." (Phil. iii. 9.) If this is obtained I am safe; and nothing besides this could make me think myself so. 4. Whenever the Lord did anew discover the glory of this way, by a beam of fresh light, whatever my distress was before, it still composed all, commanded a calm, answered challenges, and gave me boldness and access to God with good hope, as to all other things, through grace. (2 Thess. ii. 16; Rom. V. 2; Phil. iii. 3.) Then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and nothing else was able to disturb me while this view lasted. 5. Whenever I was wrong, yet I still rested satisfied that a discovery of the Lord in his own light would set all right again; and therefore I was ever at that : " O that I knew where I might find him ! " (Job xxiii. 3, 6.) I knew, though he might make sin bitter, yet a manifestation of him would put strength in me, as formerly in sweet experience I had found. 6. I was then only pleased, and could never approve myself, but when I found my soul in some measure moulded into a compliance with the design of the gospel,

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emptied of self, subjected to the Lord, and careful to hare him alone exalted. (Phil. i. 20.)

The next remarkable effect of this discovery v/as, that it set me right as to my chief end in some measure, and made me look to the glory of God, which formerly I had still, in all the courses I took for my own ease, no real concern for. Now mine eye was made in some measure single (Matt. vi. 22) in eyeing the Lord's honour, which in this light was seen to be consistent with my own happiness ; and my regard to this, wherein that evangelical self-denial which the Lord everywhere calls for consists, discovered itself amidst all the strug glings which I afterward found of that detestable idol, self, for obtaining its former room. — 1. It manifested itself in frequent desires that the Lord alone might be exalted and glorified in my life, or by my death. (Phil. i. 20.) 2. It kept my soul fixed in the persua- sion of this, that it was every way meet that I should take shame and confusion to myself, as what truly and only belonged to me, and that the glory of my salvation was only and entirely the Lord's due. 3. In a watch- ful observation of the stirrings and the most secret actings of self, seeking to advance itself upon the ruin of the Lord's honour, and to the prejudice of it; and when I was not able to bear it down, I yet still cried against it, " Not unto us." (Ps. cxv. 1.) Yea, I re- doubled my cries, in opposition to its impudent endea- vours, " Not mito us. Lord, not to us, but to thy name be the glory!" 4. I was brought to look upon it as the principal enemy, on which I was always to have an eye ; and, therefore, where the least occasion offered, I had, at least when not otherwise out of case, still a " Not I," ready as a caution against it. (Gal. ii. 20; 1. Cor. xv. 10.) And, 5. The remaining felt power and activity of this idol still has been one of my greatest grievances. (2 Cor. X. 5.) 6. I never was satisfied, nor found

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comfort, but where this idol is discernibly at under, and no victory is so refreshing, as what, at any time, is more or less obtained over this. (Rom. vii. 24, 25.) 7. As the apostles (2 Cor. iv. 5, 6), compared by the shining of " the light of the knowledge of the glory of God " into their minds, were made to preach not them- selves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; so whenever this light shone, according to the measure of its clearness, and its continuance, the interest of self was weakened in my soul, and I was made to seek not myself, but Christ Jesus the Lord. (Phil. iii. 8, 9.)

The evidence of this change was for some time fre- quently darkened, by which. I found, whenever I was again, by the prevalency of sin, challenges thence arising, or the Lord's hiding, brought under any fears of my own salvation, then my thoughts were engrossed, and as it were wholly and only taken up about my o^vn safety; and my concern for the Lord's glory not then appearing, I was thereby cast under fears that I was altogether selfish ; but the Lord at length cleared up this case to me. Our minds are weak; they have many concerns, some whereof they value more, some less; they cannot, through their weakness and limited nature, be intent in their thoughts about all, or even many of them, at once. And, therefore, when any one, though the least of them, is in hazard, their care must be taken up mainly, and as it were about that only. Even the good shepherd, though really he values the ninety and nine more than the one lost sheep, yet Avhen it is lost, he seems to leave all the rest, and employ all his thoughts as it were about that. (Luke xv. 4.) But when all are equally safe, and none of our concerns are in any visible hazard, then is the only proper time to judge what is really uppermost in the soul: that which, it then is most frequently with, delights most in, and can least think of parting with, that is uppermost. That

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wliicli has the heart is the treasure. (Matt. vi. 21.) And the Lord let me see that my soul was, when all was safe, almost wholly taken up in viewing with de- light the manifestations of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ.

Before I proceed to take notice of any other effects of this discovery, I shall represent, in a few particulars, the pleasant way whereby the Lord carried on this change as to the chief end. — 1. When the Lord came to work this change, I was sunk under the burdening sense of this, that I had destroyed myself (Hos. xiii. 9), and deeply concerned to know how I might be saved. 2. The Lord made me first look up by a discovery of salvation and help, which answered my concern about my own case. (Isa. xlv. 24.) 3. When I looked to this salvation, I found it in him. 4. When by this Kieans I came to see his glory shining in the contrivance for my salvation, by the lustre of it I was so affected that I began to value it above all things, and look on it as of that importance, that provided it were secured, all other things, the highest concerns of the creature not excepted, were of small moment. (Phil. i. 20.) And, 5. Hereon viewing the glory of his goodness in order- ing it so, that the creatures, in aiming at his glory, should find their own salvation ; this endeared the Lord and his ways exceedingly. Thus the Lord sweetly led me, by a view of help suited to my case, to a discovery of his glory; and by a discovery of his glory in my salva- tion, helped me to place things, in some measure, at least in wish and design, in their o^^^l order, and give his glory the pre-eminence that was its due : but this only by-the-by. Now I go on.

A third discernible effect of this discovery was with respect unto the Lord's yoke, his precepts. Beholding his glory, I was changed into his image (2 Cor. iii. 18), and made to look on his yoke as easy, and his burden

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as light (Matt. xl. 29), and to count that his command- ments Avere not grievous, but right concerning all things. (1 John V. 3; Ps. cxix. 128.) This was very far con- trary to my former temper. Now the reality of this change appeared, and evidenced itself even amidst all temptations, slips, yea, and relapses into the same sins, several ways. — 1. I now came to a fixed persuasion that the law was not only just, such against which I could make no reasonable exception, but holy, such as became God, and good, such as every w^ay was suited to my true interest, and peace, and advantage, which I could never think before. (Rom. viii. 12.) 2. Though I found sin that dwells in me opposing it still, yet I de- hghted after the inward man in the law, as " holy, just, spiritual, and good." (Rom. vii. 20, 22.) 8. I saw the commandment to be " exceeding broad" (Ps. cxix. 96), spiritual, and extensive, and was delighted with it. (Rom. vii. 14.) 4. The duties that my heart had the greatest aversion to formerly w^ere now made easy, pleasant, and reireshing. Formerly, I could not think spiritual-mind- edness could be easy to me or any other : but noAv when I attained it in some measure, for some time, as first after this discovery I did, I found it life and peace ; and, on the contrary, carnal-mindedness was as death. (Rom. viii. 6-8 ; Phil. iii. 7.) 5. I w^as made to see a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that crossed those sins which had the firmest rooting in my temper, and the gi-eatest advantage from my circumstances, and occasional temptations. (Ps. xviii. 23.) And thougli all these advantages still continued, and rather grew, yet my heart by this view was so strangely altered, that no sins were so hateful; upon the account of none did I loathe m3^self so much; no sins was I so glad of a victory over, or longed I so much for the ruin of, or did I cry so much against, or complain so frequently of to the Lord, and set myself more against; my mind was

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. Ill

continually engaged in contiivances for their ruin, which formerly I sought still to have spared. And if the Lord would have given me my choice, to have the laws that crossed them razed, or to let them stand, he knows I would have thought the law less pleasant, less perfect, if these had been wanting. Thus, " what things were gain, I now counted dung," and endeavoured to " keep myself from mine inic|uity" (Phil. iii. 7; Ps. xviii. 23); and I could never think myself happy till these were plucked out, which were before as the right eye. (Matt. V. 29, 30.) 6. I took delight in others, or in myself, only in so far as there appeared anything of a self- denied, humble conformity to the law of the Lord: such I counted as the " excellent of the earth ; " and I was glad v/hen 1 got near them in any, the meanest instances. (Ps. xvi. 2, 3.) 7. My soul frequently spent itself in such breathings after conformity to the law of God as the 119th psalm is filled with throughout: " 0 that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes ! My heart breaketh through the longing it hath to thy com mands at all times; incline my heart that I may keep them alway unto the end," and the like. (Ps. cxix. 5, 20, 33, 112.) 8. This appeared further in a fixed dislike of the least inconformity to the law, either in myself or others. Now, albeit I was not always suitably affected with my own or others' breaches, yet this was my burden; I ^'sdshed always that rivers of tears might run down mine eyes, because I, or other transgressors, kept not God's law. (Ps. cxix. 136.) 9. Even when sin prevailed, and I was afraid to be ruined; when that which was ordained to life proved death to me— even then my liking to the law, and value for conformity, continued; all this notwithstanding I consented to the law, that it was " holy, just, and good." (Rom. vii. 10, 16.) 10. The sins which, through the force of temptation, I frequently relapsed into, yet were (and I

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durst appeal to the Searcher of hearts as to the truth of this) what I would not do (Rom. vii. 19, 20); that is, what the constant bent of my will, when not under the immediate force of a temptation, when I was not myself, was set against. 11. Now, nothing appeared more satisfactory in heaven than a prospect of being there, satisfied with His likeness. (Ps. xvii. 15.) 12. I looked on the remainder of sin as my greatest misery and burden, and that which made me truly a " wretched man," and daily cry for deliverance. (Rom. vii. 24.) In a word, I saw that if I could reach conformity to God's law, I would have pleasure, and peace, and liberty. All Wisdom's ways are ways of peace, her paths plea- santness, her commandments not grievous, her yoke light, and nothing uneasy but that remaining unsubdued corruption that would not stoop to put its neck under the yoke. (Prov. iii. 17; 1 John v. 3; Matt. xi. 29, 30.) This effect was the most discernible of any under temptations, and has stood me in the best stead.

A fourth discernible effect of this discovery, was the exercise of evangelical repentance, which was very dif- ferent, in many respects, from that sorrow with which I before was acquainted. — 1 . In its rise. Sorrow formerly flowed from discoveries of sin as it brings on wrath; now it flowed from a sense of sin as containing wretched unkindness to One who was astonishingly kind to an unworthy wretch. I looked upon Him whom I had pierced, and mourned. (Zech. xii. 10.) O what an unkind wretch am I, to provoke such a God, who has followed me with so much mercy, and yet offers kind- ness! 2. Sorrow formerly wrought death (2 Cor. vii. 10), alienated my heart from God, and so dispirited for duty, and made me fear hurt from him : but this sorrow filled my heart with kindness to God and to his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God to it. It flowed from a sense of his favour to an unworthy wretch that

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deserved none, and was thus a godly sorrow leading to kindness to God, drawing near to him, but with much humble sense of my own un worthiness, like the return- ing prodigal, when he saw his father coming to meet him. (Luke xv. 20, 21.) 3. The more God mani- fested of his kindness, the more this still increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded. (Ezek. xvi. 63.) " After I was turned, I repented, I smote upon my breast, and w'as ashamed and confounded" for my strayings. (Jer. xxxi. 19.) 4. The sorrow I had before I looked on as a burden — it was nothins: but a selfish concern for my own safety, and a fear of being made to feel the effects of the righteous resentment of God; but this sorrow was sweet and pleasant, as being the exercise of filial gratitude, and I took pleasure in the surprising manifestations of God's favour to one so unworthy, and in acknowledging my own unworthiness. (Ps. Ixxiii. 22, 23.) A sense of my ingratitude when kept wdthin, covered me with blushes, and I was eased when the Lord allowed me to vent my sense of it, and pour it, as it w^ere, in his bosom. 5. This sorrow was a spring of activity in the Avay of duty, and I was glad to be employed in the meanest errand that might give op- portunity to evidence how deeply I resented my former disobedience : " Make me as one of thy hired servants." (Luke XV. 19.) 6. In a word, it had all the marks, in some measure, which the apostle gives of the exercise of this grace. It was a godly sorrow, coming from God; it led to God, as always what comes from him in a way of grace leads to him in a way of duty. " It wrought repentance unto life, not to be repented of." (2 Cor. vii. 10.) It issued in a return to the way of life, and to such a course as upon a review I did not repent of, but delighted in, and desired to be carried further on in. And still, in as far as this sorrow obtained, there was a liveliness in following this way, that leads to salvation

H

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or life. It wrought carefulness to avoid sin and please God, indignation against sin, fear of offending God again — vehement desire of having sin removed, the Lord glori- fied, and obedience promoted : it wrought zeal for God, and revenge against myself and sin. It was not as fomier sorrow, pregnant with pride, stiffiiess, and un- willingness to undergo any chastisement ; but it humbled, softened the soul, and wrought a willingness to bear the indignation of the Lord when I had sinned against him. In a word, I was glad when the Lord allowed me any measure of it, and grieved when I found it wanting, and cried to the Prince exalted for it; because of the good eflPects it had, and the real advantage I found by it, with respect to the whole of that obedience the Lord requires.

A fifth discernible effect of tbis discovery was, a humble, but sweet and comfortable, hope and persua- sion of my own salvation, answerable to the clearness of this discovery; that is, rising in strength, or growing more weak and less discernible, as the discoveries of the way of salvation were more or less clear and strong. Now, because this is what I take for gospel assurance, with the worthy Dr. Owen, I shall give some further accomit of it, as I found it then and since. — 1. When the Lord gave this discovery of his way of salvation, he satisfied me that it Avas a way full of peace and security, the only safe way whereon I might safely venture; and hereby, as I told formerly, I was fully persuaded that " this was the way wherein I should walk." (Isa. xxx. 21.) Hereby I was freed from that disquieting fear, that in trusting to it I was trusting to that which would fail. I was satisfied I could not fail otherwise than by missing this way. I doubted of myself, but not of the way. 2. The Lord, by the discovery above-mentioned, did powerfully draw my soul to close with it; and in so far as I cleaved to, and closed with this, in so far, con-

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sldering the fonner discovery of the safety of this way, I could not doubt of the issue, but "vvas sweetly satisfied "that my expectation should not be cut off" (Piov. xxiii. 18), nor my labour be in vain, in pursuing this course. While I clave to, and reposed with satisfaction on, what I was convinced was safe, I could not, in so far as I leaned to this, but be quiet and composed about the issue; which shows how nearly allied faith and assur- ance are, though they are not the same, and, therefore, no wonder the one should be taken for the other.

3. Hereby I was animated to walk on in this way, and follow duty; and finding, as I went on in duty, that so far as I proceeded, my expectation was not disap- pointed, still, according to success, this hope insensibly and secretly grew. This " God is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us." (Isa. xxv. 9.)

4. This discovery manifesting salvation in a way of self- denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so soon marred this hope as the least appearance of self and stirring of pride. Whenever the glory of the Lord was revealed, and he spake peace, I was hereon filled with shame (Ezek. xvi. 63) ; and the deeper this humiliation was, still the humble confidence of my safety increased. Now these two last remarks show how far this assur- ance is from any consistency with negligence, much less does it foster it; for it grows only upon adherence to the Lord's way, and is strengthened by a successful pur- suit of salvation in the Lord's way. To intermit or neglect duty razes the foundation, or at least lays an insurmountable stop in the way of its progress and growth. And further, it is widely different from that unassaulted confidence some pretend to, which is a fruit of pride, and fosters it, as the last remark clears. In a word, the case is plainly thus: This way which the Lord discloses is safe for a self-condemned sinner. I am safe in a practical adherence to it. The further I

1 ] 6 MEMOIRS OF THE

go, and the closer I in practice cleave to this way, hope of this salvation increases the more. Here no place for sloth, but a spur to diligence, as what will not be in vain in the issue, and is attended with comfort in every step, as carrying still nearer the desired salvation; and this safety arising from a renunciation of all con- fidence in the flesh, and a trust only in the sovereign grace of God through Christ, there is no place for con- fidence in ourselves, or pride in any degree — the least degree of pride being a step out of this way of peace and safety.

A sixth discernible difierence, was with respect to the ordinances of the Lord's appointment. This discovery — 1 . Drew me to follow them as the Lord's institutions, and appointed means of obtaining discoveries of his beauty. 2. It made me follow after discoveries of the Lord's glory in them, and discoveries from him of my- self, my case, my sin, my duty. I desired to behold the " beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple."

3. It put me to the Lord to seek these discoveries from him, and to pray with respect both to myself and those concerned in the dispensation of the gospel: " One thing have I desired of the Lord." (Ps. xxvii. 4.)

4. This was now more constant; I desired and " sought after it." 5. I was brought to more of liveliness ; when the Lord discovered himself, my soul then followed hard after him; when his hand upheld me, and M'hen he drew, I ran. (Ps. Ixiii. 8, cxix. 32, Ixv. 4.) 6. When the Lord enlarged and caused me to approach to him, and see his glory, he still humbled me, discovered self, and put me in opposition to it. I have seen him, and therefore I loathed myself. (Job xlii. 5, 6.) 7. I was now acquainted in some measure with that boldness and freedom of access with humble confidence to God, as on a throne of grace manifesting himself in Christ. In a word, I was sensible of tlie Lord's hiding and mani-

LIFE or REV. THOMAS IIALYBURTOX. 1 ] 7

festing himself in duty in some measure, and of the necessity of the exercise of grace, particularly of faith, in all approaches to God, and thereby put upon fre- quent complaints — dejections for the Avant of it, cries to God for it, and the like.

Many other effects followed upon this discovery, too long to repeat at large. — 1. Hereon I found a new and formerly unknown love to all that seemed to have any- thing of the Lord's image, however different in princi- ples as to lesser things, tempers, &c., and though distant and unknown otherwise than by report ; and this evidencing itself in prayer for them, sympathy with them in their afflictions; which, as all the others, still w^as more or less lively, according as I was otherwise in worse or better case: " By this do we know we are passed from death to life, because we love the brethren." (1 John iii. 14.) Again: 2. Hereon I found my care of all the Lord's concerns enlarged, and I began to be desirous to have the Lord exalted on the earth, Zion prosper, and all that love her (Ps. cxxii. 6, 7, See.) ; I was fearful of hazard that threatened any of his interests — affected with the sufferings of his people, or any loss his interest sustained. And, 3. Hereon I began to be more concerned for any affronts offered to the Lord's glory by others: " I saw transgressors, and was grieved," be- cause they kept not God's law ; and was often made to weep and pray for them in secret. (Ps. cxix. 158; Jer. xiii. 17.) 4. I found it easy and delightsome to suppress resentments, and oppose them, and even to pray for those whom I apprehended to have injured me; yea, with delight I could seek their good, their real good, and pray earnestly for it. (Luke vi. 27, 28; Ps. XXXV. 13.) Other consequences of this discovery will be mentioned hereafter in their proper places.

To conclude this chapter, I found this discovery sweetly drawing to a willing, cheerful endeavour after

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holiness in all manner of conA^ersation (Ps. cxix. 32); whereas all former courses I took only drove forcibly to a feigned submission (Cant. i. 4); which made me often admire the folly of Socinians, and Arminians, and other Pelagian enemies, who pretend that free justifica- tion leads to security and carelessness. I could not but say and think often, What ! shall I believe such wild and wicked reproaches against my clear experience ? Do not I find quite the contrary, while the ••' love of Christ constrains to judge thus, that if one died for all, then were all dead, that they who henceforth live, should not live to themselves, but to him that died for them? They err, not knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God.'* (2 Cor. V. 14, 15; Matt. xxii. 29.)

Thus all things were in some measure made new; and I, who a little before, with the jailer, had fallen down trembling, was now raised up, and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believ- ing. (Actsxvi. 34.) But, alas! I was like the disciples on the mount (Matt. vii. 4); I dreamed not of what was abiding me, as the sequel will show. This I desire to recount, however, with thankfulness, not to my own commendation, but to the praise of the glory of His grace. (Eph. i. 3, 6; Phil. iii. 12.) How far I was from having attained, or being already perfect, the fol- lowing pages will explain.

CHAPTER III.

Containing an account ?f the pleasure of my case at this time, the tnistakes I was still under, the sad effects of them, and the way of their discovery.

This glorious discovery was very surprising, and filled

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me ^vith wonder. Often was I made to stand and wonder what this strange sight meant, and whereto it would turn. (Exod. iii. 3.) Things that I had not heard were told me. (Isa. Hi. 15.) Often did I say, " What hath the Lord wrought ! When God turned back the captivity of Zion, we were like men that dreamed. Our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing : then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord hath done great things for us, whereof we are glad." (Ps. cxxvi. 1-3.) The great- ness of the things God had done surpassed belief; and yet the great and clear light wherein they were disco- vered, and the discernible efi'ects, would not allow me to doubt.

Albeit the effects of this discovery above-mentioned were most discernible at first, yet I did not then, nor till after that light was gone, distinctly observe them; for — 1. The glory of the Lord was so great, that for a time I only fixed my eyes upon that, and I was less intent, though much pleased -with it, upon the change that was thereby wrought on me. All this while I was still crying out, "Whence is this to me?" (Luke i. 43) and ^vhat am I, and what is my father s house, that the Lord has visited me, and brought me hitherto ? (2 Sam. vii. 18.) Again : 2. I was the less sensible, or, at least, was the less distinct in observing these things, because of the remaining darkness as to the many and great things contained in the covenant of grace. This light clearly revealed the mystery of free justification through Christ, and peace by his blood. But I was afterward to learn other things belonging to the mystery of redemption. This was what I at present needed, and this the Lord gave abundantly, in so far as my present case required it. But yet after this glorious Hght had stayed some considerable time with me, I was sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even unto

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the mystery of forgiveness, the daily use of this atone- ment, and the use especially of the Lord Christ, with respect to sanctification. Well might Christ say to me many a day after this, as to Philip, " Have I heen so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip?" (John xiv. 9, xiii. 7, xvi. 13.) What, there- fore, the Lord had done at this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further instructed me in the nature of the gospel discovery, as I was ahle to bear it, and as my daily exigencies required it; and when, with Peter, being come to myself, recovered out of the strange surprise, and put to consider the thing (Actsxviii. 26), then knew I, with him, more distinctly what con cerned the Lord's work, and what he had done for me.

This discovery, while it lasted, was full of ravishing sweetness, and many things contributed very much to make it so. — 1. The case wherein it found me. I was condemned by God, by my own conscience, and was like to sink under the pressure of the fear of a present execution of the sentence. AVhen the usual labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body, toiled and wasted with the disquiet of my mind, made me heavy, and urged it more, yet I was afraid to close my eyes, lest I should awaken in hell ; and durst not let myself sleep, till I was by a weary body beguiled into •it, lest I should drop into the pit before I Avas aware. Was it any wonder that the news of pardon and for- giveness were sweet to one in such a case — whereby I was made to lie down in safety, and take quiet rest, while there was none to make me aflaid? " For so giveth he his beloved sleep." (Mic. iv. 4; Ps. cxxvii. 2.) A little before, I was like Jonah in the whale's belly : "The waters compassed me about even to the soul; the deep closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head, I went dovm to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for

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ever: and I said, I am cast out of God's sight." (Jonah ii. 5-7, &c.) Now, was it any wonder that such a one was deHghted when brought into a garden of delights? placed out of all view of trouble, save a reflection on it as past, which is refreshing, and set down to sun him- self and dry himself under the refreshing rays of the Sun of Rio-hteousness? 2. The thino^s that the Lord dis- covered were in themselves glorious. The glory of the Lord shone about me. I saw such things as " eye hath not seen, besides thee, 0 God " — " jSTo man hath seen God at any time, the only begotten of the Father, he hath declared him." (Isa. Ixiv. 4; John i. 18.) In a word, what I saw was the mysteiy of godliness — the wonders of God's law, which the angels, stooping, earnestly look into, and that with wonder. (1 Tim. iii. IG; 1 Pet. i. 12.) 8. They were new things wherewithal I was utterly unacquainted before, and this made them the more affecting: " He shall sprinkle many nations; the kings shall shut their mouths at him: for that which had not been told them shall they see; and that which they had not heard, shall they consider." (Isa. Iii. 15.) " As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country." (Pro v. xxv. 25.) Again: 4. The light wherein these things were discovered was a clear spark- ling light, that had a warming force and reviving influ- ence that I was altogether a strang^er to before: and one who was a stranger to light, at least to this " light of the Lord," could not but with pleasure enjoy it; for " truly light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun." (Eccles. xi. 7.)

This discovery and manifestation was of a much longer continuance, and far more bright than any I ever since got; for it shone in its brightness for about ten days' time, and for long after that it was not quite off: and while it lasted, many things made it observable. — 1 . New discoveries were dailv made. The Lord carried

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me from one thing to another, and in this short time taught me more than by all my study I had learned be- fore ; yea, he taught me the things I had learned before in another and quite different manner. What naturally and theoretically I knew before, in it I corrupted myself; but now the Lord instructed me with a strong hand that I should not walk in this "sVay, and " day unto day uttered speech, night unto night taught know- ledge." (Isa. viii. 11; Ps. xix. 2.) Every day I was surprised with some new and before unthought-of disco- very of the Lord. This was as " the shining light shining more and more to a perfect day." (Prov. iv. 8.) 2. All this time my mind was almost M'holly taken up about spiritual things; my "conversation was in heaven." (Phil. iii. 20.) I saw those with whom I conversed turn everything (even what was not only innocently but piously said and meant) into obscene senses; whereas now, whatever occurred in reading, in medita- tion, in converse, in daily observation, was by my mind, and to it, spiritualized, I reflected with wonder on this difference, and often during this while was made to look on the mind as a mould, that casts whatever is brought into it into its o^vn shape : " To the pure all things are piire: but to them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled." (Tit. i. 15.) 3. Hereon I was not only joy- ful, but I found the "joy of the Lord my strength" (Neh. viii. 10) ; for all this while I was carried out to extraordinary pleasure and diligence in duty. It was not now, as formerly, a burden to go to duty, but I rejoiced " when they said to me. Let us go to the house of God." (Ps. cxxii. 1.) And my soul answered, I will go to God, my chief joy — " to God that performeth all things forme." (Ps. Ivii. 2.) My heart was enlarged, and I ran in the way of God's commandments with delight. (Ps. cxix. 32.) Willingly I engaged in duty; and when I

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was engaged init, niysoul often made me like the chariots of Amminadib. (Song vi. 1 2.) I was not easily stopped, and failed sometimes as to the just hounds; whereby others that felt not that just ravishing sweetness I en- joyed, were sometimes disgusted, though some were not ; for so near as I can reckon, it was about this time that the Lord began to commend himself and his worship to Lady Anne Elcho, which made her at death bless the Lord for family worship. 4. The Lord daily instructed me all this while out of the Scriptures ; and my heart burned within me while he talked and walked with me by the way, and opened the Scriptures (Luke xxiv. 32), which before were as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark ; even that whereof I had some notion I was ready to say of it, " I cannot read it, for it is sealed." (Isa. ix. 11.) The design, and intent, and mystery was hid from me ; and the rest of it I was forced to say, I know nothing of it, because I am not learned. Again : 5. Mine enemies received a stunning stroke ; and all of a sudden, by the appearance of the Sun, these frightful things which disturbed me in the dark disappeared. He graciously for a time re- strained them, and bore do\\Ti corruption, chained up Satan, and kept me from any disturbance by these ene- mies, with whom I have before had, and since likewise, many sad wrestlings: "At the brightness that was before him, his thick clouds passed." (Ps. xviii. 12, 14.) When the Lord arose, " his enemies were scattered ; yea, he sent out his arrows and scattered them ; and he shot out lightnings and discomfited them. Thus he deli- vered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me." (Ps. viii. 17.) 6. Which was the life of all the former, the Lord, by keeping his glory continually in mine eye, kept me all this while more humble and self-denied than ever. Seeing him, I loathed and detested self.

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Beholding his glory, I was in mine own eyes " as a grasshopper, as nothing — less than vanity, and nothing ;" and gloiied only " in the Lord, rejoiced in Christ Jesus," and had no confidence in the flesh. (Job xlii. 6; Numb. xiii. 33; Isa. xl. 22, 17; 1 Cor. i. 30; Phil, iii. 3; Job v. 18.)

The Lord had many gracious designs in this which I was ignorant of then, as what I shall speedily narrate will show, but the Lord has in some measure since taught me; some of Avliich I shall here narrate. — 1. I was sore broken and wounded before, and the Lord did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds; he poured in oil; he made a bed in my sickness (Luke X. 34; Ps. xli. 3); he watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. 2. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as one who had in anger shut up his tender mercies, and forgotten to be gracious (Ps. Ixxv^i. 8, d); and I was not easily induced to believe good tidings, for I had forgot prosperity (Job ix. 16); and though it was told me, I could not believe, partly for joy and partly for fear, till I got a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived (Gen. xlv. 27); and the Lord satisfied me, in deep conde- scension, that he was real and in earnest, and had no pleasure in my death, and that the wound was not in- curable— that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend, in order to healing. (Ezek. xviii. 32, 33, 11; Jer. xv. 18, XXX. 14, 17.) 3. He was now to make me sell all for the pearl (Matt. xiii. 45, 46); and, like a fair merchant that means not to cheat, he let me see both what I was to leave and what I was to choose, that I might be satisfied I had made a good bargain; and though man}'' a day I have seen neither sun, nor moon, nor star since, and have been in the deep day and night (Acts xxvii.

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20; 2 Cor. xi. 25), yet so far did this go, that I durst never once in wish retract my choice. 4. He knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore led me not into that long and weary journey till he had made me eat once and again, as he did by Elijah. (1 Kings xix. 6, 7.) 5. The Lord did not at first plunge me into war, lest I should have repented my engage- ment : " And it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God led them not through the way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near ; for God said, Lest peradventure the people repent when they see war, and they return to Egypt." (Exod. xiii. 17.) The Lord hereby undeceived me as to my hard thoughts of his way, and reproved me for them. Often was I put to say. Lord, I was as a beast (Ps. Ixxiii. 22); and how brutish was I, to think that spirituality was a burden, and that it was impossible to be one day so to an end without weariness! Thus he let me see that I uttered what I understood not (Job xlii. 3, xl. 4, 5); and though once I had so spoken, yet now I durst not proceed; for I savr what with men is impos- sible, with God is possible and easy, who can change the heart, and then the thoughts change. (Matt. xix. 26, xii. 33; Dan. iv. 16.) Finally, the Lord designed to give me something: that miofht in all after trials be staying; and often has the rem.embrance of this been sweet when present sense failed. I called to mind " the years of the right hand of the JMost High," and was supported by it. (Ps. Ixxvii. 10.)

But, alas ! I understood not this, and by my ignorance I was cast into sad mistakes. — 1. I fancied this world would last ahvay ; I ravingly talked of tabernacles, with the disciples on the mount (Matt. xvii. 4); I knew not that I was to come down again, and that my dearest Lord was to depart from me again : " In my prosperity I said, My mountain stands strong by thy favour, and

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I shall never be moved." (Ps. xxx. 6, 7.) 2. I dreamed no more of fighting \viih. corruptions; but thought that the enemies that appeared not were dead, and that the Egyptians were all dro\^^led in the sea, and that I should never learn, nor have occasion for learning, war. (Exod. xiv. 13; Isa. ii. 4.) 3. I pro- jected to tie myself up to such a bent, and stint myself to such a course of walking, as neither our circum- stances, temptations, nor our duty in this world, allows of. Hereon I remember I could not endure to read those books which were really proper and necessary to be read; and all time employed in them I reckoned on as lost. This was the old legal temper beginning to w ork again, and secretly inclining to seek righteousness, not directly, as before, but " as it were by the works of the law" (Rom. ix. 32), and aiming to entangle me in a yoke of bondage; yea, I began to grudge and be chal- lenged about the time spent in necessary refreshment of the body by meat and sleep, and endeavoured to abridge myself. The devil secretly drove from one extreme to another; and he knew full well that I would not hold here, and that he would easily get me cast into another extreme, to assume a latitude beyond what was due. Thus I was well-nigh entangled into that yoke of bon- dage which the Lord had so lately broken (Col. ii. 23), and deceived into a voluntary humility and mortification, being vainly puffed up to it by my fleshly mind. (Col. ii. 18.) 4. I began to reckon upon enlargement and success in duty, as what was not only my due, but what I should always have, and that it was more mine oa\ti than really it was. I began to speak of it with delight. Like the disciples, I said, " Lord, even the devils are subject to us." (Luke x. 17, 20.) 5. I looked upon this stock of grace I had gotten as what would be sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties, and saw not that the grace that was sufficient was yet in

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the Lord's hand. (Isa. xl. 31; 2 Cor. xii. 9; Ps. XXX. 7.)

But now the Lord quickly undeceived me. For — 1. After a while he began to hide himself. 2. He gave me " a thorn in the flesh, to humble me." (2 Cor. xii. 7.) My corruptions began to stir again, and, like giants refreshed by wine, to make furious assaults. 3. A messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, and I began to feel the fury of his temptations.

Hereon I was cast into great perplexity. — 1. I fell into deep sorrow : " Thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled." (Ps. xxx. 7.) 2. I began to question the truth of former manifestations, and to say, with the disciples, " We thought it had been he that should have redeemed Israel." (Luke xxiv. 21.) Again : 3. I began to doubt of my through-bearance, and to say, " One day I shall perish by the hand of Saul." (1 Sam. xxvii. 1.) And, 4. I began to quarrel secretly with the Lord, as if he had beguiled me, and to say. Why hast thou not delivered me? Why is my bondage in- creased since thou began to appear for my deliverance? (Exod. V. 12, 23.)

Under this case I tried all means, but ran often to WTong ways. — 1. I complained, and then my soul was overwhelmed. (Ps. Ixxvii. 3.) Again: 2. "I thought upon God;" but not finding the discoveries as before, " I was troubled." 3. I inquired into the causes of this: "Wherefore hidest thou thy face? Why art thou so far from helping?" (Ps. Ixxvii. 6, 7.) But here often my spirit began to go too far, and even to say, " Wilt thou be alway as a liar, and as waters that fail?" (Jer. xv. 18.) And then I took myself, and was sunk deeper for my wickedness in chiding with God. 4. I essayed to shake myself, and to go to duty as before : I wist not the Lord was departed, that my locks were cut, and that the enemy that lay in my

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bosom had discovered my strength, and got between me and it. (Judg. xvi. 20.)

I was hereon melancholy exceedingly, and so much the more that now I remembered all my goodly pleasant things I enjoyed before I fell into the enemy's hand (Lam. i. 7) ; but yet, when after the violence of any con- flict, I recovered myself, I could not but see that things were better at my worst case than formerly in my best For — 1. The Lord gave frequent blinks of his coun- tenance. He showed himself at the windows, and flourished at the lattices, and sometimes put in his "finger by the hole of the door," and spoke kindly; " and my bowels were moved for him." (Cant. ii. 9, V. 4.) 2. He frequently let me see somewhat of his power and glory in the sanctuary — opened a Scripture, and made my heart burn, or unfolded my case, and told me all that was in my heart, or let me see the end of enemies. (Ps. Ixiii. 2, 3 ; Luke xxiv. 32.) 3. Sometimes he allowed me access to him, and made me come even to his seat, and pour out my soul to him. (Rom. V. 2 ; Job xxiii. 3.) 4. When I was at my lowest, I stood otherwise affected to Christ than before. Though I could not run after him, yet I unwillingly stayed away. My soul longed after him : " When wilt thou come?" (Ps. Ixii, 8, Ixxxiv. 2.) I frequently breathed for drawings: "Draw me, and I will run after thee." (Cant. i. 4.) Sometimes I essayed to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would empower me to lay hold on him. I still stuck to this, that salvation only is to be found in him. I refused to go anywhere else, but resolved to wait on ; and though he should slay me, yet trust in him I would. (Job xiii. 15.) 5. As to the law of the Lord, though I could not run as when my heart was enlarged, yet my will was still bent that way ; I longed to walk and run, and for that enlargement that would make me run. (Ps.

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cxix. 5, 17, 32, 35.) I breathed after conformity; I had no quarrel at it, but myself; I delighted in the law after the inward man. (Rom. vii. 22.) 6. As to sin, there was a great odds ; though I could not delight in duty as before, I abhorred thoughts of delighting in sin. I was sometimes, by the power of temptation, driven to consent to its embraces; but that was just such a forced consent as by the power of conviction I before gave to the law. Whenever I was at myself, I retracted it; myre- pentings were kindled within me. (Hos. xi. 8.) Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before ; I found another sort of opposition made to it : it was dead in purpose and design ; and if it gained victory, I was the more enraged against it ; in a word, as to the law of God, I was as a sick man, with his friends sitting at his bed-side — he has no aversion to them, though he cannot delight in them as before. He reflects with such a pleasure as his present case allows, upon the satisfaction he has had in their converse, and wishes to be in case again. But I was quite contrary with respect to sin. Finally, This deadness was now a preter- natural state ; I could not rest in it, but cried daily, "When wilt thou revive me?" (Ps. Ixxxv. 6.) I loathed myself for it ; I wearied, I essayed to break prison ; I looked back to former seasons when it had been otherwise, and often said : " 0 that it were 'v\dth me as in months past!" (Job xxix. 2.)

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CHAPTER IV.

Containing an account of my strugglings with indwelling sin^ its victories^ the causes of them on my part, and God's goodness with respect to this trial.

I HAD not been long in this pleasant case before I found my mistake ; that enemies were not foiled, and that I must down into the valley, and •wrestle with "principalities and powers" (Eph. vi. 12), and fight with no less enemies than the Anakims. My corrup- tions, self, passion, &c., and especially those "sins which easily beset me" (Heb. xii. 1), which formerly I was so careful to have spared, and which I refused to deliver up to justice, set upon me ; and finding that I was now no more theirs as formerly, they gave me fre- quent foils. I fell before them often, and multiplied relapses. When I would do good, evil was present with me ; and the good I would do, through their power, I did not; and the evil I would not do, that I did. (Rom. vii. 19, 21.) Thus I learned, that the difference betwixt the Lord's people and others is not simply in this, that the one falls and the other stands, but that there is a difference in the issue: "The just man falleth seven times a- day, but the wicked shall fall into mis- chief." (Prov. xxiv. 16.)

Now, though I was unwilling to fight, I drew to armour upon the appearance of these enemies, who received great advantage by that security wherein I had fallen ; and before ever I was aware, they received a great advantage I could not easily get from them again. But, however, since fight I must, I tried what weapons would be most successful. And — 1. I objected to them, that now I had no more to do with them ; I had en- gaged with the Lord. (Isa. xxvi. 13.) 2. I essayed

I

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to reason against them, as Joseph did, but without his faith : " Shall I do this great evil, and sin against God?" (Gen. xxxix. 9.) 3. When they still persisted, I essayed to flee from them, and avoid the occasions. (Prov. iv. 14, 15.) But the enemy was in my bosom. 4. I prayed against them, that the Lord would rebuke them. 5. I complained of them as his enemies. 6. I protested against them ; and many other ways did I try.

But after all they persisted, and I was often foiled, and hereon I fell into grievous discouragements. And — 1. I began to doubt if I was sincere, or if the Lord was really with me : "If the Lord be with us, why is all this evil come upon us?" (Judg. vi. 13.) 2. I began to doubt of the issue, and conclude I should one day perish by their hand. (1 Sam. xxvii. 1.) 3. My conscience being defiled, I was damped, and could not look up to God (Ps. xl. 12) ; and upon the whole, I was in very great distress — often at giving over.

Though I often searched at the time, I could not dis- cover whence it was that I failed ; for no mean that I thought of then almost I left unessayed. But since, several reasons of the prevalence of sin, and the unsuc- cessfulness of my attempts against it, has the Lord graciously discovered. Though I am far from thinking to hit them all, or pretending to remember even all that the Lord has discovered, yet some of them I shall mention that now occur. — 1. I was in the entry of this warfare too confident in grace already received, laid too much stress on it, and promised too much on my own hand, like Peter (Matt. xxvi. 33) ; and no wonder I met mth his fate, and was left to make dis- coveries of my OAvn weakness. 2. The subtle enemies I had to do with took me betwixt the straits, and I was not watchful against, nor aware of, the seasons when they had special advantage. The thief knew his time.

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when the good-man is from home, and all is quiet. And I did not watch ; and therefore he came in an hour when I looked not for him. (Matt. xxiy. 43.) 3. Mine enemies put me upon vain work, where the sin lay, not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it ; there my subtle enemies put me on to appear against, and seek to eradicate, what was really in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to passions and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I minded not that, if we were bound alto- gether up from converse with the idolaters, fornicators, &:c., of this world, we must needs go out of the world. (1 Cor. V. 10.) And as there was an anger to be avoided, so there was an anger that was allowable; and even duty required that we should be angry, but so as to avoid sin. (Eph. iv. 26 ; Eccles. vii. 9.) Thus Satan tempted me to provoke God, by aiming at things which were neither given of God, nor had I any reason to expect them, and thus to tempt God by seeking stones to be made bread (Matt. iv. 3), or things not meet to be done. Like the stoics, I was not content to have the passions kept in their own order, but would have them eradicated. Thus the devil drives to extremes, and when we fail of success, he takes thence occasion to dis- courage us. Again : 4. I still neglected some means of God's appointment, under pretence of inconveniences and difficulties, and sometimes because irksome to the flesh, whereas these were ofttimes the only proper means that were omitted, or at least the principal in that case. The omission of one thing ruins much, and our apologies and excuses will not do. Some particular sins require particular remedies. When God has ap- pointed the use of these, and this is omitted, no wonder all others fail. When the disciples asked wherefore they could not cast the devil out, our Lord told them there were some kinds that went not out •' but by fast-

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ing and prayer." (Mark ix. 28, 29.) "Whenever any mean is appointed by God, when the case occurs wherein it is requisite, the remedy of God's appoint- ment must be used, if we would reach the end. If there are supposed or real difficulties, yet while these difficulties are not our sin, we have reason to trust him as to these, and try the means. 5. I was often sloth- ful; and by " drowsiness a man is clothed mth rags" (Prov. xxiii. 21), and enemies may easily sow tares when men are asleep. (Matt. xiii. 25.) 6. Above all, I was little acquainted with the way of faith's improve- ment of Christ for sanctifi cation, and a trade with the throne of grace for supplies to help in time of need. 7. I was sometimes not single in my aims; I designed to have a victory that would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness. I was weary of a fighting life, and would have been at ease, and had too much of an eye unto this, and such like aims; and, belike, if I had got leave to rest, I should have been too proud of my success. Thus " we ask and receive not, because we ask amiss, to consume it on our lusts." (James iv. 3 ; Luke xviii. 1.) 8. When I was not presently heard, I did not persevere in prayer for the supplies of grace that I sought. Thus I found often that so long as I was with the Lord, he was with me. (2 Chron. xv. 2.) " They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength." (Isa. xl. 31.) But I was too soon over with it; and from these, and the like causes, did my want of success proceed.

Yet notwithstanding all these dreadful miscarriages on my part, the Lord, in the heat of this conflict, and even while I was many ways faulty, was very kind. —

1. He kept me from giving quite over: though I fell, yet I was not quite cast down. (Ps. xxxvii. 24.)

2. When I had many times gone farthest -with tempta- tions, yet he came in with seasonable help ; and passing

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all my miscarriages, he helped me up, let me see that he kept me from being quite overcome, and gave me some assurances for the future: " Thus foolish was I, and ignorant : I was as a beast before thee. Nevertheless I am continually with thee : thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou wilt guide me by thy counsel, and receive me to glory." (Ps. Ixxiii. 22-24.) 3. I had gracious experiences of the Lord's helping in the time of need, and hearing cries. The Lord sometimes stepped in when I was overcome, and sent, as it were, Abigail to keep me from executing my wicked purposes (1 Sam. XXV. 32); sometimes he gave me a clean victory, and strengthened me to repel temptations; and many other ways did he help and deliver. (Ps. cvi. 43.) 4. He sometimes, and even very frequently, when I was hard put to it, cleared up my sincerity, and gave me such views of it as emboldened me to appeal to him; which freed me of that temptation, and left me at liberty, under advantage of this new encouragement, to oppose more vigorously: " Do not I hate all them that hate thee? I hate them vnth a perfect hatred; I count them mine enemies." (Ps. cxxxix. 21, 22.) And hereby I was not emboldened to sin ; I durst not take encouragement to sin because grace abounded, though motions were made this Avay by my naughty heart; but I was made more afraid of offending. These and many other ways was the Lord kind in the conflict. He frequently said to me. Fear not; " surely there is an end, and thine expectation shall not be cut off." (Prov. xxiii. 18, xxiv. 14.)

The Lord has since let me see what gracious designs he carried on by this trial, and what need there was of it in order both to his glory and my good. — 1. Hereby he taught me the nature of that state we are here in — that it is a wilderness, a warfare — and that we must all be soldiers, if we mean to be Christians. (Cant. viii. 5;

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1 Cor. ix. 7; 2 Cor. x. 4.) 2. He taught me hereby that the grace that is sufficient for us is not in our own hand, but in the Lord's (2 Cor. xii. 9); and that, therefore, our security with respect to future tempta- tions is not in grace already received, but in this, that there is enough in the promise, and the way patent to the throne of grace for it. (Heb. iv. 16.) 3. He taught me that God is the sovereign disposer, and gives out as he sees meet in time of need his own grace, and he is the only judge of the proper season of giving it out. (Eph. iv. 7.) 4. He led me hereby to discern somewhat more of the covenant of grace ; that in it there are no promises made of absolute freedom from sin while we are here : " If any man say he has no sin, he is a liar" (1 John i. 8); and that we have no promise of freedom from gross sins, and those sins wherein we have been formerly entangled, but in the use, and diligent use, of the means of the Lord's appoint- ment: " If these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Pet. i. 8.) 5. Hereby he taught me that great lesson, that " when I am weak in myself, then I am strong in the Lord and in the power of his might." (2 Cor. xii. 10.) Whenever I was diffident of myself, I was then always victorious, or at least came off "without hazard; which is very far different from what men generally think — that when a man is diffident, and distrusts himself, that then he is not meet for managing any imdertaking ; and this is indeed true Avhen he is carnally diffident. But where there is a distrust of self with an eye to the Lord, it is very far otherwise. 6. He hereby taught me the use, and necessity, and glory, of that provision that is made by the covenant of grace for guilt : it writes all to us, to dissuade from and strengthen us against sin: *•' But if any man sin" through the power of temptation,

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it lets us see an " Advocate with the Father, and blood that cleanseth from all sin." (1 John ii. 1.) 7. He let me see his holy jealousy, and how displeased he was with me for my cleaving to sin so long, and sinful for- bearance. (Jndg. iii. 1.) Because I would not slay them, as the Lord appointed me, and when he required it, therefore he left them, like the nations of Canaan, to tempt and try me. The sins that now molested me, and frequently cast me down, were those that I sought to spare before. God cried often to me to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried to be rid of them: " Thou wast a God that forgavest their iniquities, but thou tookest vengeance of their inventions." (Ps. xcix. 8; Dent, viii. 2.) 8. The Lord by this did humble and prove, and let me see what was in my heart — even a great deal more of wickedness than I suspected. 9. The Lord hereby instructed me, that this is not my rest (Mic. ii. 10), and made me value heaven more than other- wise I would have done. 10. Hereby he discovered the riches and extent of that forgiveness that is with him — that it reaches to iniquity, transgression, and sin; that is, sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses not excepted. (Ps. cxxx. 4, 7; Exod. xxxiv. 7.) He that requires us to forgive to seventy times seven in a day, will not do less (Matt, xviii. 22); yea, he tells us, that in this respect his thoughts are as far above ours as the heavens are above the earth. (Isa. Iv. 9.) And, finally, the Lord hereby fitted me to compassionate others who are tempted, and comfort them. (2 Cor. i. 4; Heb. ii. 18.) Thus I was made a gainer by my losses and falls, to the praise of his grace.

After some years' strugghng, the Lord made me lay by all prejudices against proper means, and wait on him in the use of them all, with some eye to him, and then he gave me in some measui-e a victory : " Thanks

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be to God which giveth us the yictory." (1 Cor. xv. 57.)

CHAPTER V.

Containing an account of my exercise about the guilt of sin, the rneans of obtaining pardon, and the intimations thereof.

The power of indwelling sin being still great, and through its own acti\^ty, occasional temptations, more fixed advantages, and my own mistakes and negligence, frequently prevalent, I was cast into frequent perplexities about its guilt : there was no soundness in my bones, no rest in my conscience, for sins that I had done. (Ps. xxxviii. 3.)

Besides sins of infirmity, sometimes my corruptions did (through my sloth, neglect of proper means, and the advantages they otherwise had from temptations, and from their being rooted in my nature) bear me down, and carry me captive, prevail against me, and carry me not only into commission of grosser evils, at least in heart, and omission of duties, but even into frequently repeated relapses into those commissions and omissions. These being sins against light, engagements, obligations, intimations of love, the guilt of them was heavy upon my conscience, and I was much perplexed about it : my bones were broken, my conscience defiled exceedingly, and wounded for them.

Sometimes when I fell into such sins, when self and pride prevailed, or the like evils I was more deeply engaged against obtained any notable advantage, I was, by the deceitfulness of sin, for a time hardened and in-

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sensible, like David after his foul fall. But then — 1. While it was so, grace languished; the things that re- mained were ready to die. (Rev. iii. 2.) 2. The Lord hid himself, I had no countenance in duty; while this regard to sin continued, all was out of order. (Ps. Ixvi. 18.)

At other times I had no sooner complied, hut my heart instantly smote me (1 Sam. xxiv. 5), and I was presently, with Peter after his fall, caJed and stirred up to the exercise of repentance and inquiries after forgive- ness. (Matt. xxvi. 75.) But sooner or later the Lord awakened me out of this security, and set my sins in order, sometimes by one mean and sometimes by an- other, before mine eyes. — 1. Sometimes he trysted me with some outward affliction, and hid himself, and then I was put under a blessed necessity of seeking after him, and inquiring into the reason of his withdrawing and laying his hand on me. When I was bound in the cords of affliction, he showed to me my transgi^essions that I had exceeded. (Job xxxvi. 8, 9.) "" I will go and return to my place, till they acknowledge their offence, and seek my face : in their affliction they will seek me early." (Hos. v. 15.) 2. He sometimes remarkably punished me, and wTote my sin upon my punishment. " Because Avhen I knew God, I glorified him not as God, neither was thankful; but became vain in my imagina- tions;" therefore God, though he gave me not up (glory to his name!) to vile affections, yet he let them loose to molest me. (Rom. i. 21, &c.) He, as it were, gave a commission to the king of Egypt, Assyria, or Babylon — some of my powerful neighbouring enemies, evils to whom I had formerly been in bondage, with which I had been in friendship, on whom to my wounding I had doted, therefore now hated above all others — to some one or other, or it may be more, gave he a commission or permission to invade me (Ezek. xxiii. 9); and then I

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began to consider what I had done, and open mine eyes when I was in the strait, and closely assaulted by them. 3. Sometimes, again, and most frequently by his word and Spirit in ordinances, he roused me, and laid, as it were, his finger on the sore — told me all that I had done : he sent a Nathan, that told me, " Thou art the man." (2 Sam. xii. 7.) Whoever get away with sin, his own will not get leave to lie still, though they may lie long in it : " You only have I knovsm of all the families of the earth: therefore I will punish you for all your ini- quities." (Amos iii. 2.)

"When the Lord discovered sin to me, then was my soul troubled. — 1. A sense of the WTath of God was let into my conscience, which at some times was very terrible. I had no rest, because his indignation went forth against me. The poison of his " arrows drank up my spirits." (Ps. cii. 10; Job vi. 4.) 2. My soul was filled with shame, while a sense of my innumerable evils, and especially such as imported ingratitude and wretched unkindness, lay heavy on my conscience. I could not look up for blushing; I lay doivn in my shame, and my confusion covered me. 3. I was cast into dreadful fears, lest the Lord should " in anger shut up his tender mercies," and be gracious no more, and I should not get pardon, or at least a sense of it any more. (Jer. iii. 25, XV. 17; Ps. xl. 12, Ixxvii. 8, 9.)

Satan, who waited for my halting, finding me in this case, did frequently tempt to give over duty. — 1. He told me over all the marks of God's displeasure, and put the worst construction on everything, as he did with Cain. (Gen. iv. 14.) 2. He hereon tempted me to draw his conclusion, that my sin was greater than that it could be forgiven, and that so there was no succour in God for me. (Gen. iv. 13.) And, 3. Hereon he told me there was no more forgiveness ; God's mercy was at an end — he had " forgotten to be gracious*;" and at-

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tempted to prove it by the unsuccessfulness of my endea- vom*s, and therefore inferred that it was to no purpose to wait any longer. (2 Kings vi. 33.)

But the Lord graciously broke the force of this temp- tation.— 1. Sometimes by far off discoveries of forgive- ness: " Who can tell" but he may " be gracious?" (2 Sam. xii. 22.) 2. By reminding me of former kindness — the " years of the right hand of the Most High" (Ps. Ixxvii. 10) ; and the discoveries of the sovereignty of his grace, at first when he manifested himself. 3. By letting me see the desperate issue of this course — that ruin was inevitable in it. If I sat still, I saw I was gone ; if I went into the city, and again followed the course of the world, I saw inevitable ruin there (2 Kings vii. 4) ; and there- fore I resolved to throw myself upon him, and if he saved me alive, I lived : and if otherwise, I should but die. (Job xiii. 15.) 4. When this temptation was urged most violently, and I Avas hard put to it, then I thought it not time to dispute whether ever the Lord had manifested himself savingly, but yielded the worst as to my case that the tempter could pretend, and then I laid my case in all its aggravations to the extensive promises of the covenant. Be it granted, said I, that I am but a hypocrite, that I never obtained pardon, that I am the chief of sinners, that my sins have such aggra- vations as those of none other of mankind's sins are attended withal ; yet " the blood of Christ cleanseth from all sin," and he " came to save the chief of sinners." (1 Tim. i. 15; 1 John i. 7.) This way proved often relieving.

When I had got over these temptations, then I got up as I could, and resolved to seek him in the use of all duties of his appointment — meditation, prayer, reading, hearing. These duties I followed, with various success. For — 1. Sometimes when I essayed to confess my sins, the Lord closed my lips, and I had not a word to say.

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(Ps. li. 15.) 2. Sometimes I got leave to run the romid of duties; but with the spouse's success: "I sought him, but I found him not." (Cant. iii. 1.) Again: 3. At other times I met with new strokes : " The watch- men that went about the city found me, and smote me, and took away my veil" (Cant. v. 7); even the faithful servants of Christ made my wound deeper, by setting home sin more closely.

Sometimes when, being outwearied, and sense wearing off through the weakness of our nature, diversions, and the deceitfulness of sin, I attempted to speak peace to myself — I got a sort of quietness and relief. (Ezek. xiii. 10; Jer. viii. 11.) But this was easily discernible. For — 1. It left me in my former deadness, and I was not as before, when God spake peace. 2. I was easily induced to "return again to folly." (Ps. Ixxxv. 8.) 3. When I said, "Peace, peace, sudden destruction" followed it (1 Thess. v. 3); for the Lord was wroth, and one way or other discovered his displeasure against me. And, finally, my own peace did not heal the sore ; for the wrath of God, shame and confusion, hovered over my head.

When the Lord let me see my mistake, then he set me a- work again to inquire after him, and to pursue the former course; and when I had gone a little farther I found him (Cant. iii. 4), and he relieved me; and the way whereby he reUeved me was the same with that whereby he at first did deliver me, whereof before I have given account, and therefore I shall here represent it only more briefly. — 1 . The Lord set my sin in all its aggravations, especially as it struck against him, before mine eyes: " Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and in thy sight done this ill." (Ps. li. 4.) 2. The Lord led me up even to the fountain, and discovered original sin as the source, and all, at least many, of the other bitter waters that flowed from that bitter fountain,

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by the light whereby he discovered this one; he (as it was with the woman of Samaria) " told me all that ever I did in my life." (John iv. 29.) " Behold, I was shapen in iniquity: and in sin did my mother conceive me." (Ps. li. 5.) 3. Very often he laid before me, and brought me imder, an afflicting sense even of the iniquities of my fathers and predecessors, whom I never knew. (Lev. xxvi. 40; Ezra ix. 7.) 4. He cut off all excuses, and made me self-convicted, and so stopped my mouth quite that I could neither deny nor excuse ; and so I was guilty before God, being stripped of all my ornaments. (Rom. iii. 19; Exod. xxxiii. 5, 6.) He discovered to me what in justice he might do, and that he might cast me off and out of his sight, like Cain ; and brought me to o\\ti that he would be righteous, holy, and clear, in judging thus, and that any punish- ment on this side hell would be mercy. (Ps. li. 4.) 6. In this case I lay waiting to see what he would do with me, convinced that whatever he should do, though I could not but dread wrath and separation from him, and cry against it, yet I owned all would be just. (Lam. iii. 22.) To the Lord belongs righteousness, and to me shame and confusion of face. (Dan. ix. 7.) 7. Then in mercy he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery of the fountain opened for sin and uncleanness, and that blood of atonement that cleanses the conscience from all sin in the sight of the Lord, (Zech. xiii. 1 ; 1 John i. 7, ii. 2.) 8. Hereby he drew my soul to close with, and mth trembling to lay stress on it. " Iniquities prevail against me, I must confess ; but as for our transgressions, thou wilt purge them away." (Ps. Ixv. 3.) 9. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked at him my soul melted in tears ; and my heart, that was formerly bound up, was loosed ; and my lips, formerly sometimes quite closed, were opened. (Ps. li. 15.) When I looked on him whom I had pierced, I

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mourned (Zech. xii. 10), and often, like Peter, I " wept bitterly." (Luke xxii. 62.) Whereas before, when I was lying self-condemned, guilty, and my mouth stopped, I sometimes could scarcely look up, or give a sigh or a groan, now I flowed in tears. 1 0. While he thus answered me, and I seemed shy of believing the news that were so good and so unexpected, he created peace by the fruit of his lips, by the word, and as it were forced it upon my soul, and shed abroad his love in my heart. (Job ix. 16 ; Isa. Ivii. 19; Rom. v. 5.) 11. Hereon I remembered all my former ways, which the Lord had formerly dis- covered to me, and was ashamed for them and even con- founded, now when the Lord was pacified. (Ezek. xvi. 61, 63.) When he told me he would blot out and forget, then I had the most distinct and afi*ecting remembrance. Like Ephraim, when I was turned, "I repented, I smote on my breast, I was ashamed, and even con- founded, because I bare the reproach of my youth" (Jer. xxxi. 19), and of my former ways. But this shame was not that dispiriting shame accompanied with distrust, and inclining to hang down the hands, but an ingenuous concern and blushing for wretched unkind- ness, like that of the prodigal when his father met him. 12. Hereby my spirit Avas made tender, and I M'as put upon a resolution of walking mournfully before him in the bitterness of my soul. (Isa. xxxviii. 15.) 13. Hereafter, while this discovery of forgiveness and peace by it continued, I was made in some measure watchful of returning again to folly. (Ps. Ixxxv. 8.) 14. I was quickened to duty : " Then will I teach trans- gressors thy ways, and sinners shall be turned unto thee." (Ps. H. 13.) 15. While this lasted, and was not marred by sin again, the sins of others, and every provocation by whomsoever done, I could mourn over it. Rivers of tears then were ready to run down mine eyes, because transgressors kept not God's law. (Ps.

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cxix. 136.) 16. Hereon, the conscience being purged, I now recovered that filial boldness of entering into the Lord's presence by the blood of Jesus Christ (Heb. x. 19, 22) ; yet with much tenderness and awe upon my soul. (Isa.xxxviii. 15, 16, 19.) Finally, Hereby my soul was much weaned from all things else, and endeared to the Lord. To this case the Lord frequently brought me ; and noAV, alas ! while I more rarely attain unto this exercise of repentance and faith in such liveliness, as then I often did, I am made many times to wish, as to this repentance, that it were with me as in months past (Job xxix. 3), though I dare not wish for the occasions of it again. At that time when I was assaulted ^^dth boisterous lusts, and foiled by them, and my conscience defiled with guilt, the Lord did frequently lift me up, yea, lift me sweetly up.

To prevent mistakes, I shall subjoin a few observa- tions concerning this exercise. — 1. Though at one time the Lord carried on this work gradually, even as to time, yet at other seasons all this was done as it were at once, and in a moment ; the Lord, as he did to David, in one breath speaking sin and peace. (2 Sam. xii. 7, 13.) 2. There was a very great difference as to degrees in this work. Sometimes convictions and humiliation were deeper, and discoveries of forgiveness clearer, and the exercise of faith and repentance more lively, and some- times less so ; but whenever God did thoroughly recover me from any grievous fall, all things in substance were found. (Jude 22 ; Isa. xxviii. 27.) 3. This was not always of a like continuance. Sometimes through my own fault, I quickly lost the jewel, and provoked him at the Red Sea. (Ps. cvi. 7.) 4. Though God, to punish me for my wickedness, sometimes let me seek peace long before I got it, yet at some seasons, to show the sovereignty of his grace, and that I might not pretend that it was my seeking that moved him to show mercy.

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he surprised me immediately upon the back of my sin, before ever I bad thought in the least what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly (Luke xxii. 62) ; and when it was thus, it deeply affect- ed my soul, and filled me with the most deep self-loath- ing and detestation, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of grace. 5. There is one thing I may observe "v\ith grief of heart, that the most terrible enemies are not the most dan- gerous. At that time I was attacked with sins that were easily known to be sins; my conscience was easily convinced of them and alarmed ^vith them ; and thereby I was more deeply exercised, and sought more after dis- tinct discoveries of forgiveness, which were attended with all these pleasant eifects. Since that the Lord, in some measure, broke these lusts, I have been assaulted with less discernible evils — sins under the mask of duties; and these secretly devour my strength, and rarely and with difficulty are they discovered in their exceeding sinful- ness ; and so when it is much needed, I am more a stranger to that state of repentance. But as I see I need it, so the Lord knows I long to be brought into it, and to be humbled, especially for secret and hidden sins, that waste the strength. Often have I been made to think of this, that all the excuses mentioned in the parable of the supper, that kept them that were invited from closing with the offer, were taken from occasions in themselves lawful. (Luke xiv. 18-20.) And no doubt, the excuses whereby the Lord's o\mi people are kept from that nearness that is their duty and interest to seek after, flow from the same things ; I have found them far the more dangerous and hurtful hindrances.

The Lord by such exercises instructed me since, and at the time, in several useful lessons. — 1. The Lord this way taught me how to walk with him. (Ps. xciv. 18.) He dealt with me as we are wont to do with children —

K

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lie held me by the hand, he let me well-nigh slip, and sometimes fall, and this to let me know I was not able to go alone ; and then he graciously raised me up, and comforted me, that I should not by this be altogether discouraged from walking in his way : "I taught Ephraim also to go, taking them by their arms ; but they knew not that I healed them. I drew them with the cords of a man, with bands of love. And I was to them as they that take oif the yoke on their jaws, and I laid meat unto them." (Hos. xi. 3, 4.) 2. As the Lord, by the prevalency of sin, taught the necessity of an extensive remedy, so by the experience of forgiveness in such cases as I have mentioned, he taught the certainty of this, that this forgiveness is really as extensive, rich, and free, as the case requires. (Ps. xxxii. 5.) 3. He by the experience of this, enabled me to understand better, and speak more feelingly of these truths, than otherwise I could have done, and to comfort others Avith comforts, not only real, but experienced, even such wherewith I myself had been comforted of God. (2 Cor. i. 4.) Thus, what " I have heard, and seen, and handled of the Word of Life," that I declared to others. (1 John i. ] .) 4. The Lord gave some acquaintance with the nature, exercise, and effects of the most useful and necessary graces of his Spirit — faith, repentance, &c. And, finally, the Lord beat down self very much by this exercise. Of this design the Lord of late, while I read in my family the 9th chapter of Deuteronomy, gave me a pleasant view, which I shall represent in the following remarks from that chapter : —

1. God's great design upon Israel is to manifest the glory of his grace, mercy, patience, faithfulness, in their salvation, their deliverance from Egypt, and putting them in possession of Canaan. (See verses 5, 6.)

2. Naturally sinners, as all his people are such, are, and appear very opposite to this design, being deeply

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selfish, as the Avhole of this chapter and the Scriptures manifest. And this self has t^vo branches, which are like its two eyes, self-strength, and self-righteousness. (Verses 1, 2, 5, 6.)

3. Self in these two branches is very stroncj. We are really to pretend that our own strength carried us through those difficulties, when once w^e have overcome them, which we were so far from being able of ourselves to grapple with, that the very thoughts of them fright- ened us. (Compare verses 1, 2, of this chapter Avith the 13th and 14th chapters of Numbers.) And Ave are ready to ascribe to our own righteousness Avhat Ave get, Avhen we nieauAvhile are not Avorthy of the least of all God's mercies. (Verses 5, 6, &c.) '

4. Yet hoAV strong soever these are, they must be sub • dued. In order thereto, the Lord, after he besfins to manifest himself to his people, leads them not presently into Canaan, but carries them through the Avilderness, Avhere a A^ariety of temptations draws out discoveries of their secret corruptions, their weakness and Avickedness, (See verses 6, 7.)

5. The discoveries of God's patience, mercy, and grace, and of his people's Aveakness and Avickedness, especially after remarkable manifestations of the Lord, are means AA'hich the Lord makes use of, and remarkably blesses to cure them of these distempers, and put out these tAvo eyes of the Avicked idol. (Consider the Avhole chapter.)

6. The Lord, for this end, Avhenever he is about to com- plete, or carry on the begun deliverance and mercy, revives the impression of these things. (Read the Avhole chapter, particularly verse 7.)

Many other gracious designs did the Lord in this way carry on. He let me see the bitterness of sin, and discovered it to be exceeding sinful ; he let me see much of the hellish ingratitude of my heart; he let rae see a necessity of coming daily to the throne of grace, as for

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grace to help in time of need, so for mercy and forgive- ness. He made me see with wonder how one view of forgiveness and pardoning mercy ahenates the soul more from sin than twenty sights, nay, tastes of hell — which Pelagians cannot understand — and many other things.

Besides those more gross evils I fell into, through the violence of temptation, I was exercised about the guilt of sins of daily incursion and infirmity — deadness, wandering in duty, and innumerable others. When I began to be first exercised about forgiveness, I was much difficulted about these; and I shall in the follow- ing particulars represent my exercise about them. — 1. When the Lord manifested himself, his enemies fled before him (Ps. Ixviii. 1), and received a stunning stroke, as has been sho>vn. 2. It was some time before any of the stronger enemies discovered themselves again ; presumptuous sins for a time, as has been represented, kept quiet. The first discovery of the remaining power of indwelling sin which I got, was in the invasion of sins of daily infinnity : " For in many things we offend all." (James iii. 2.) 3. Hereon I began to be much discouraged, neither miderstanding well our state here, that if any man say " he has no sin, he deceives him- self" (1 John i. 8); nor the gracious provision made for this case in the covenant of grace, the daily sacrifice — that is, the daily application to the throne of grace, the blood of atonement, the fountain opened; and so being under a fond and groundless expectation of entire free- dom from sin. (Ps. xxx. 6.) 4. My foolish expecta- tion being quickly disappointed by the out-breaking of these sins, I wist not what to do. I thought it hard to trouble Him who had been so kind, to seek ne^v favours. (Isa. vii. 13.) The pride of my heart could not stoop to be continually, daily, hourly beholden for ncAV favours : I would have been a lord, and come no more to Christ.

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(Jer. ii. 31.) This pride was so masked up, that at that time I did not discern it ; but since, the Lord has made it manifest. 5. But necessity has no law: they grew many; for " who can understand his errors?" (Ps. xix. 12), and the light of the Lord daily discovered more and more of them. 6. Hereon I essayed to humble myself distinctly for every one of them, and to make a distinct application to the throne of grace about each; but when I began to observe them, they were so many, that if I had followed this course, my whole time would not have sufficed. Hereon the Lord led me to that course, which a worthy friend, to whom I owe much for a distinct understai^iing of the Lord's work with me, told me what Franciscus De Sales, a popish casuist, advises to in this case. I was fain to take them all in the lump, or rather to go with them all on me at once, and plunge myself in the fountain that is opened for sin and for uncleanness; that is, I took a view of myself as defiled by innumerable evils of this sort, and under a sense of them, cast myself upon the glorious atonement, and endeavoured to lay stress for cleansing as to them all, whether such as I discerned distinctly or such as I had not yet discovered, on that blood that cleanseth from all sin ; which I think was the psalmist's way under the like case : " Who can understand his errors ? Cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression." (Ps. xix. 12, 13.) That popish casuist before mentioned, as my worthy friend told me, illustrates this by a very elegant similitude: " If a man see one or two filthy creatures on him, he shakes or washes them off; but if he look and see himself all overspread with such, then he must bethink himself of some general course: he goes to some bridge and leaps into a deep pool, and

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dro^Tis them all, and leaves them behind him." If any one grosser sin overtake us, "\ve must endeavour a dis- tinct recoA'erv and intimation of pardon, bv a distinct application to the blood of sprinkling; but -when we look upon those sins which cannot be numbered and searched out, and which are still gi'owing, then we must betake ourselves with the man to the bridge, and leap into the pool. 7. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light wherein that plenteous redemp- tion tliat is with God was first discovered, though vari- ously clouded and darkened, vet continued in some measure. A child of light continues light in the Lord. (Eph. V. 8.) He may walk in darkness, ^ind to his sense have no light (Isa. 1. 10), while yet it is the remainder of light that makes him discern his darkness. But he really is not darkness, as before. He has a summer's sun that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his win- ter's sun, that shines shorter, is more frequently clouded, and has less heat: he has his fair days, and foul and rainy days, and a changeable intercourse of day and night, wherein he has only the moon and stars: but liffht more or less there is still. 8. When no extraordinary indisposition, no extraordinary darkness was on me, this habitual discovery of forgiveness, and the way to it, had its own use. The winter s sun was not able to revive, when I was cast into any of those distempers above mentioned; and, therefore, as has been above nan-ated, in that case I Avaited a blink of the sun in its strength ; but for ordinary, I by the direction of that light did endeavour daily, as to sins of infirmity, to betake myself in prayer to the blood of atonement, according as the Lord has taught us by the daily morn- ing and evening sacrifice under the law. As for parti- cular cases and pollutions, there were other institutions ^A-ith respect to them. 9. This application by prayer to the redemption that is in Christ, even the " forgiveness

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of sin through faith in his blood" (Rom. iii. 25), according to this discovery of it, in and by prayer, espe- cially when the Lord quickened by any new blink (.for the winter sun has wami and refreshing blinks even in the coldest season) this application, I say, especially when the Lord, as he frequently did, gave any new breathing, did relieve me, and help to quiet my con- science as to the afflicting: sense of these sins of daily incursion. When the Lord helped to pray for cleansing from secret sins, and keep back from presumptuous sins, I was satisfied as to my uprightness and freedom from the great transgression, and acceptance with him in following any duty of my station through the Beloved. (Isa. xix. 12, 13.) 10. As the case was not so urgent, so neither was the outgate so discernible; but it was sufficient to answer in some measure the end above mentioned — freedom from dispiriting discouragement, and some measure of comfort and quiet as to my acceptance with God through Christ.

I conclude with four observations as to the whole. — 1. Though we may sometimes heal our OAvn wound slightly (Isa. Ivii. 19), yet it is God's prerogative to speak solid peace, yea, and the speaking of it is a work of the grea-'est power, where the conscience is really exercised. It is a creating peace ; and where He creates it, he can make it take effect : " When he giveth quietness, who then can m.ake trouble? and when he hideth his face, who then can behold him? Avhether it be done against a nation or against a man only." (Job xxxiv. 29.) 2. The Lord let me see that, considering the pride and unbelief of our hearts, and the greatness of our guilt, it is not easy to win to the belief that the forgive- ness that is with God is able to answer all we need, and so to engage a sinner to betake himself unto it at all times, when once he comes to see his case thoroughly; and when this unbelief is in some measure mastered, and

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the soul satisfied of the fulness of the fountain, and extensive, nay, infinite reach of the forgiveness that is with God, and the pride of heart so far broken that the soul is willing to be daily beholden to grace and mercy, it is not easy to keep up either a due detestation of sin, or keep our carnal hearts from a common use of it, or rather an abuse of it. Here, in my opinion, lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking -svith God — to come daily and wash, and yet to keep as great a value for this dis- covery of forgiveness as if it were once only to be got, and no more. Indeed, the more we see of it, the more we should value it; but our carnal hearts, on the con- trary, turn formal, and count it a common thing. That which is our daily allowance we value little, and we are fond of novelties and dainties. Bread is more precious than most, nay, any of the rarities which men purchase at so dear a rate; but because God has provided it in plenty, and we daily use it, therefore we make a light account of it : blessed are they with whom it is other- wise in the case now in hand. 3. I observe that the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained when we walk tenderly and circumspectly. It is inconsistent not only with the entertainment of any gross sin, but with a careless walk : " Then had the churches rest throughout all Judea and Galilee, and Samaria, and were edified, walking in the fear of the Lord, and in the comfort of the Holy Ghost," &c. (Acts ix. 31.) 4. I observe, then, when I was at the lowest ebb as to forgiveness, doubting if the Lord would pardon, after many duties have been essayed without finding the Lord, or any sense of his love, I have often found him in the duty of thankfulness. And whereas one will say. What had I then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: What a mercy is it that I am out of hell? " It is of the Lord's mercies I am not consumed;" blessed be the Lord for this.

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(Lam. iii. 21, 22.) Again, What a mercy is it that not only the Lord has helped, me to notice his mercy in keeping me out of hell, but to be thankful for it. Again, Blessed be the Lord that has kept me out of hell ; blessed be the Lord that has made me observe it with thankful- ness ; and blessed be the Lord that has made me observe his mercy in helping me to thankfulness. Thus I have gone on till the Lord has led me to a sense of his love, and restored comforts to my soul. They that will praise the Lord for little shall have more : " Let the people praise thee, O God : let all the people praise thee. Then shall the earth yield her increase, and God, even our own God, shall bless us." (Ps. Ixvii. 5, 6.)

Upon a further observation of this variety of cases wherewith I was exercised, the Lord's management of them, and what I have felt in myself, I see besides the fi'uits before mentioned, many others. — 1. The Lord hereby rebuked me for my fondness of enlargement and my thinking to live a life of sense, and trained me some- what up to a life of faith — the faith of adherence that cleaves to God as revealed in the word, and refuses to quit the word even when it finds not the Lord in it, in a sensible way that refreshes; which certainly is more strong than that which cleaves to it when it feels sensi- ble refreshment and power. To trust in God when hiding and threatening to slay, is to " hope against hope." (Job xiii. 1.5.) 2. He taught me not to judge of my state by my frames; beside many other lessons that now occur not.

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CHAPTER VI.

Recounting my exercise about the heing of God., and showing the wag of my outgate from this temptation.

I HAVE before mentioned and given some account of my trials about the being of God. Being now to give an account of the rehef, it will be proper to recapitulate briefly my whole exercise ^vith respect to this head, and set the temptation and the relief together.

I have shown above, that I was early, even as soon almost as I began to have any close concern about reli- gion, exercised with temptations in reference to this great and fundamental truth. But at first I had no arguments urged against this truth, or injected into my mind. Only being made to see that this was the hinge whereon the whole of religion turns, all hopes depend, and by which all practices were to be regulated, I found myself at a loss for want of an evidence, sufficiently clear, and strong, and convincing, which I thought ne- cessary with respect to a truth whereon so much weight was to be laid. In a word, I was at Pharaoh's pass: " Who is the Lord, that I should obey him, and let Israel go?" (Exod. v. 1.) Plainly, very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; and before I trust so far, I would be satisfied to know more of that God in whom I am to trust as to so great things.

But afterwards Satan attacked me by subtle injections, as I have shown before; took me at a disadvantage, when I was estranged from God, and my head intent upon abstract subtilties ; and while I followed such vain speculations, intruding into things I had not seen, he took his opportunity, and said daily, "Where is thy God?" (Ps. xlii. 3, 10); and when he had got me down.

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he triumphed, "Where is now that mouth with whicli thou didst all along reproach atheists? (Judg. ix. 38.) Such are their arguments; try your strength with them, and fight them.

Hereon a sharp conflict hegan to he managed in my breast. On the one hand, Satan, in conjunction with the natural atheism of my heart, plied me hard with fiery darts and subtle sophistry (Eph. vi. 16) — arguments sometimes astonishing, so far were they above my reach. On the other hand, I, a poor apostate creature, sadly darkened, but yet retaining some remainders of light, ■which God has made manifest in my conscience, as in that of other men (Rom. i. 19), and somewhat con- firmed in those notions of God by education, the outward dispensation of the word, and it may be by some com- mon work of the Spirit, rivetting all the former, keeping alive these impressions, or, at least, restraining Satan and my corruptions from blotting them out — against that formidable confederacy, I, such a one as I have now represented myself, made head, and appeared.

In this conflict I used various ways. — 1. I sometimes rejected the suggestions, and refused them a hearing: *'• Who art thou that repliest," or disputest " against God?" (Rom. ix. 20.) It shocks nature's light to say, " There is no God." Even the fool dares scarcely say it out. (Ps. xiv. 1.) 2. Sometimes I prevented them, as it were, and not only refused a hearing, but represented in my own soul how deep resentment such a provocation, such a motion, deserved. If any man will plead against God, or for Baal, none should entreat for him, but he should early " be put to death." (Judg. vi. 31.) 3. When the impudent enemy would not thus be put ofl*, I essayed to maintain the truth, and answer his argu- ments. But his instances were so many, and so subtle, that I could not prevail this way; but the longer I stood arguing the case, I was put to the greater loss. When

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we come in speaking terms, lie is too hard for us: and no wonder he be so for us (Rev. xii. 9) — he worsted our first parents in innocence. 4. When I found this, then I often would wish for a discovery of God himself.

0 that he would appear! and " 0 that I knew where I might find him!" (Job xxiii. 3), when my wishes took no effect. 5. The devil hereon took advantage to tell me that he did not appear, and that surely if there was a God he would help one that was standing up for him in such a strait. (Ps. xxii. 8.) In this case, I some- times hoped that he would arise, and then mine enemies would be made to flee before him; though the truth is,

1 could give but little reason for it. 6. Sometimes I prayed. Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of praying, till I was once sure there was a God. And I confess I was sometimes hardly put to it to defend the practice; yet I always inclined to the affirmative, and thought that if there was a God, as I durst not say but I had reason to think there was, he could best satisfy me as to his own being. 7. I was sometimes obliged to flee him, and seek sanctuary in diversions. 8. Some- times the Lord mercifully restrained him, and he left me for a season.

While this trial was lengthened out, the Lord gave frequently some checks to it and to Satan. — 1. By clear discoveries of the horrible tendency of the temp- tations— that they tended to destroy the foundations of all human happiness, cast reproach upon all the best and the wisest in the world, and account and set up as the only happy and wise men, proud fools. (Ps. Ixxiii. 15.) " If the foundations are destroyed, what hath the righteous done ? " (Ps. xi. 3.) Then are the proud happy, and they that hate God are exalted. (Mai. iii. 15.) 2. I was relieved by the consideration of the comfortable issue others had got, who had been in like manner exercised. "Our fathers trusted in God;"

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they trusted in God, and were helped. (Ps. xxii. 4, 5.) 3. God sometimes let me see some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of creation : " The heavens declare his glory." (Ps. xix. 1.) 4. The Lord some- times from the word relieved me by some beams of his glory. And I remember I was oftener than once helped by the Lord's suggesting, with unusual power, the three children's answer to the king of Babylon, with the glo- rious issue : "0 Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, 0 king, that Ave will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (Dan. iii. 16, 17.) There was something, indeed, here that I could not reach ; but my heart was affected with the noble resolution, and encou- raged to attempt, weakly as I could, to write after their copy; and the issue was encouraging. 5. The devil, in these temptations, acted so visible a part, that I could not but discern that there was a devil ; and when I saw him so deeply engaged in this quarrel, I was strongly induced to think he was not come out against a straw, or to hunt a shadow. (1 Sam. xxiv.. 14.) 6. When the Lord began to deal with me closely about sin, the edge of this temptation was much blunted. Satan could not easily preA^ail in persuading there was no God, while I found his arrows sticking hard in me, and the poison of them " drinking up my spirits." (Job vi. 4.) But yet I was not fully relieved. Nothing but a dis- covery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. (Zech. iii. 2.) Wherefore the Lord at length pitied me, not in the way that I v/ould have desired ; for I would have had it then. But considering I was then an unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy, and I could not have thus seen him and

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lived. (Excel, xxxiii. 20.) Sucli an appearance would indeed have made me " believe and tremble." (James ii. 19.) But this would have cast me into new trouble. Wherefore the Lord led me to right satisfaction another way. He discovered sin in the way above mentioned ; and by this discovery, as I have now hinted, diverted the violence of this temptation, and broke its force, as has been above hinted : for " he stays his rough wind in the day of his east wdnd." (Isa. xxvii. 8.) And having thus humbled me, he gave me the above men- tioned discovery of himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.

That, then, which brought me to a soul-satisfying assent, and repelled all temptations against the being of a God, was the above mentioned view of him in his glory. While God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, by his word and Spirit, shined into my mind, " to give me the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ" (2 Cor. iv. 6"), I could not desiderate any more satisfying evidence of his being. And while that light did shine, or when at any time it does shine, Satan then dares not oppose. All the mountains of opposition, the bulky arguments, that appeared like rocks and hills, shook at the presence of the Lord, and .were carried into the midst of the sea. And now, the light (1 John ii. 8) being come, and the Lord being seen in his own light, I had manifold and satisfying evidences of this glorious truth.

1 . I had the e\idence of sight, not by the eye of the body, but by that of faith. I saw the glory of God, as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre, that satisfied me it w^as truth, and no lie. (2 Cor. iii. 18.) The glory Avas so great, that it not only let me see, and convinced me of its reality, but really con- vinced me in some measure that nothing else is real. This sight gave me more consistent, God-becoming notions of him, his nature and attributes, than ever I

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attained before, which shook the foundation of many of my former scruples, that proceeded only from my igno- rance and darkness ahout the nature of God.

2. I had the evidence of the ear; for I heard him speak, not to my bodily ears, but to my soul ; and his voice did sufficiently distinguish itself from the voice of any creature. For, first, he spoke terror to me from Sinai; and then, when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said, " Peace, be still ;" and with authority commanded he the winds and the sea, and they obeyed, and pre- sently there was a calm. (Heb. xii. 19 ; Mark iv. 39.) His words had light and power peculiar to a God going along with them, both when he spoke for me and against me. His word enlightened mine eyes, and converted my soul. It was a " powerful voice " that came from the Lord most high. (Ps. xxix. 4.) " The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul : the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simj)le. The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart : the com- mandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes." (Ps. xix. 7, 8.)

3. I had likewise a feeling of his power. I not only heard his voice, but I felt his power casting me down, and raising me up again, and saying to one that was weak. Be strong — yea, and commanding strength. (Ps. Ixviii. 28, cii. 10 ; Isa. xxxv. 4.) Thus my faith stood not "in the wisdom of man, but in the power of God." (1 Cor. ii. 5.) I have before told what of his power I felt, what effects were ^Tought ; and so here I forbear any further account,

4. I was now made to taste and see that the Lord is good, and that the soul that " trusts in him is blessed." (Ps. xxxiv. 8.) " I sat down under his shadow, and the fruits above mentioned were sweet to my taste." (Cant. ii. 3.)

5. I was made to feel the savour, and relish a fragrant

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sweetness in his word, works, and ways. His name was as " ointment poured forth," and therefore I loved him. (Cant. i. 3.)

6. Hereby all my objections were solved. " Faith is the evidence of things not seen " (Heb. xi. 1 ) ; it not only satisfies the soul about them by the clearest evi- dence, but it reproves contrary objections. " At the brightness that was before him, the dark clouds passed away." (Ps. xviii. 12.) My objections now were like those kings mentioned by the psalmist, who had come in a combination to ruin the church, but were frightened by God's appearing : " Lo, the kings were assembled ; they passed by together. They saw it, and so they marvelled ; they were troubled, and hasted away. Fear took hold upon them there, and pain as of a woman in travail." (Ps. xlviii. 4-6.) Just so was it with my adversaries ; faith (as the word rendered emdence, Heb. xi. 1, signifies) reproved them, and at this rebuke they fled. For — (1.) If they should now say, " Where is thy God ?" I was ready to reply, " Lo, this God is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us ; we have waited for him, and will be glad in his salvation." (Isa. XXV. 9.) (2.) If they should now object the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, which was often made use of to trouble me, I had an answer given, a word put in my mouth. At the same time God con- descended to show me his back parts ; he satisfied me that no man could behold his face. (Exod. xxxiii. 23.) He by the discovery gave me a view of his incompre- hensibility, sufficient to silence all these : " Canst thou by searching find out God ? canst thou find out the Almighty unto perfection?" (Job xi. 7.) Om* short line cannot measure God. (3.) When the seeming- confusion and disorders in his government were urged, I now had wherewith to answer all these : " He gives an "account of none of his matters. His way is in the sea,

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and his parlis in the great waters ; his footsteps are not known. (Job xxxiii. 13 ; Ps. Ixxvii. 19.) Yet, though " clouds and darkness are round about him, righteous- ness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." (Ps. xcvii. 2.) 4. The Lord really cleared many parti- cular objections as to all these heads ; and by this dis- covery of himself in the sanctuary (Ps. Ixxiii. 17), he satisfied me in a way rational, yet above reason, letting rae see rational answers in the light of his word and Spirit. He laughs at the prosperity of the wicked, because he sees their day a-coming. (Ps. xxxvii. 13.) Thus were mine enemies foiled ; and " so let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Judg. v. 31.)

This light thus kindled, he daily increased and con- firmed me every day more and more by new discoveries of himself from the word. And now I could look with satisfaction upon the heavens and earth, and see the print of his hands upon them.

CHAPTER VII.

Containing an account how I came to he satisfied that the Scriptures are the icord of God^ and hoio temptations in reference to them icere repelled.

To give a clear account of the issue of my temptation, it will be necessary that I shortly recapitulate what formerly has been spoken concerning the trial, and my carriage under it.

This temptation did not attack me so early as the former, but it was managed much in the same way. Sometimes my mind only hung in suspense, and hovered ^n uncertainty for Avant of eAddence proportioned to the

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importance of the truth for my faith to fix on. At other times, I was strangely harassed with violent temp- tations, multiplied and subtle objections which were thronged daily in on my mind, by reading books full of them, by converse with enemies to the word, and by Satan's suggestions, which were by much the more subtle and troublesome to me.

This exercise was in some measure more perplexing than the former, because it was no less ruinous to all satisfying religion; the objections were much more plausible, they Avere far more in number, and entertained by persons of a better character, and the evidence of the truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.

Before the issue came, the Lord gave, by consider- ations formerly mentioned, sometimes a merciful check unto temptations, and kept them from overwhelming me quite; of which I have formerly given some ac- count.

I tried many ways besides prayer, and attendance upon ordinances. I bought, borrowed, and read many books written in defence of them, which wanted not its own solid use; for hereby I got a deep rational con- viction of the truth, and so was emboldened to plead for them against enemies, and often-times to beat them at their own weapons; and I got many particular objec- tions fully answered, and was hereby encouraged to wait for full satisfaction without despairing. Especially one book had this use : after I had, without the satisfaction I desired, though not without the fruits above men- tioned, perused many later writings, the Lord led me to look into the " Fulfilling of the Scriptures," which had lain by me neglected; and I found this book more con- vincing than any I had read, because it brought me nearer the proper evidence whereon faith should fix than any of the rest; it discovered more of the intrinsic

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worth of the word than the others, and pleaded as strongly in point of reason.

Yet, after all this, my mind remained unsatisfied. None of these arguings had authority to repel tempta- tions, being but the wisdom of men ; nor, on the same account, did they lay a foundation for divine faith; nor did they enlighten a darkened mind to see the evidence of God in the word; nor were they able to rectify an indisposed palate, and convey a taste and savour of the word of God to the soul, that was able to satisfy me that it was such bread as a man might live by. (Matt. iv. 4.)

Thus it continued with me until the Lord came, and let in the fore-mentioned discovery of his glory into my soul; and hereby was I relieved and satisfied as to this doubt also. The Lord had before, when I was under the convincing work of his Spirit, affected my eonscience with some sense of his authority in the word, evidenc- ing itself by that convincing and condemning light and power which I discerned and felt (1 Cor. xiv. 24, 25); and hereby the force of the foregoing temptation was usually broken in some measure, when the Lord by the word did fasten on my soul a sense of my guilt: but this discovery of sin by the word being terrible to me, rather extorted an assent, than induced to a willing consent and cheerful acquiescence in the word as com- ing from God. But the Lord, when he gave the before mentioned outgate by the word, conveying a sense of his authority in it, by a light and power that relieved my soul, repelled temptations, revived, composed, com- forted, and strongly bore up a soul before depressed and bowed doAMi. This made me not only give an assent, but with much pleasure acquiesce in his word, as the word of life ; then I found his words, and did eat them, and I rejoiced as they that find great treasure, and they were to me " the joy and rejoicing of my heart." (Jer.

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XV. 16.) And hereon I was sweetly satisfied as to the Scriptures being his word; for they did many ways e^^dence that they were from him.

All discoveries of guilt were conveyed by them, before and since my outgate. God by it spoke in mine ear of sins which none, save God that searches the heart, could know. It made those sins manifest which I knew not — no creature else knew. By it the secrets of my heart were made manifest; and hereon I could not but fall down, and own that God was in it of a truth ; and that indeed it was a beam from the fountain of light (1 Cor. xiv. 25), for " whatever maketh manifest is light" (Eph. V. 13); and that it was from him who " tries the reins, and sets our secret sins in the light of his countenance." (Jer. xvii. 10.) It discerned the thoughts and intents of my heart in such a quick and powerful way, and with that authority, that made me own it the word of God. And now I was ready to say, Come, see a book that has told me all that ever I did in my life; is not this the book of God? (Ps. xc. 8; Heb. iv. 12; Matt. vii. 29; John iv. 29.)

All the discoveries that the Lord gave of his wrath were conveyed by the Scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropped into my soul, and revealed from heaven against me. (Rom. i. 18.) The word, as the arrow of the Almighty, throAvn by an omnipotent arm, pierced and stuck in my soul, and the poison of it drank up my spirit ; it was the rod of God's strength, whereby he broke and crushed me while his enemy. (Ps. xxxviii. 2, xlv. 5, ex. 2 ; Job vi. 4.)

It was by the same word that he let in upon my soul that glorious discovery of his being, attributes, pur- poses, and his whole will in reference to my salvation by Jesus Christ — whereof before (Rom. x. 8, 9) : hereby he conveyed into my soul sweet and satisfying evidence as to his being; satisfying, consistent, and some way

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God-becoming notions of liis nature. Herein it was that he proclaimed his name, The Lord God, merciful and gracious unto sinners in Christ ; as I have before shown. (2 Tim. i. 10; Tit. iii. 4; Exod. xxxiv. 5, 6.)

It was by the word he conveyed all those converting, transforming, quickening, supporting, reviving, compos- ing influences above mentioned. (Ps. xix. 7; 2 Cor. iii. 18.) It was his Avord that converted my soul while I lay in sin, quickened me when I was dead, changed me into his image in some measure, revived me and watered me when again I was weary, supported and stayed me when I was ready to faint, and composed me when I was like the troubled sea. (Ps. xx. 2, cxix. 50, 93; Acts XX. 35; Isa. Ivii. 15; Mark iv. 39.)

It was by the same word that he let in glorious discoveries of all the truths of religion wherewith I was now made acquainted — let me see the wonders of his law — excellent things in counsel and knowledge. (Ps. cxix. 18.) By it he was pleased to discover the craft, the power, the actings, and designs of my enemies ; and by it he satisfied me of my doubts, let me see his secret designs in my trials, and somewhat of his designs in many of those his public administrations, whereat I had before taken exception.

As all these discoveries and influences were conveyed by the word, so he now in the conveyance aflected my conscience with his authority, and evidenced that his name was in it, by that light and power peculiar to God, that went along with it. (Gal. iii. 2; Jer. xxiii. 29.) It spoke not in all these things as the scribes and Pharisees, the wisest, the greatest, or the best of men, but with another sort of authority and weight — it spake as never man spake. (Matt. vii. 29; John vii. 46.) Whatever it said, either with respect to God, or my case, or others, my conscience was made to stand to it. When he challenged by this word for things Avhich I

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knew not to be faults, and men notice not, conscience obeyed, and took the hint, and armed with this autho- rity, accused, arraigned, condemned, and, as it were, executed the sentence too. Nor would it stand to, or regard defences or pleas from, any otlier direction. When God spoke wrath, he kindled a flame in my soul by the breath of this word, that many waters could not quench; he raised a storm in it, that I could neither quiet nor row against, so as to get to land. (Job xxxiv. 29.) The heart that before was as unconcerned as a stone at reading the word or hearing it, now trembled and quaked. In like manner when he spoke peace, he created it. (Isa. Ivii. 19.) He made the dead to hear, and the hearer to live. He sent his word, and healed me. (Ps. cvii. 20, 29.) He said to the troubled sea, " Peace, be still," and immediately there was a calm. The winds and seas obeyed him — at his rebuke they fled. (Mark iv. 39.) Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was self-destroyed, self-con- demned, and by its power beaten from all pleas, so that I durst neither deny, excuse, nor extenuate, nor quarrel the hardest sentence which I dreaded most, and was hereon cast into the greatest agony of trouble; when I was ready to say with Job, " If I had called, and he had answered me, yet would I not believe that he had hearkened to my voice" (Job ix. 16); when, with him, I refused to be comforted, and scarce did think comfort possible; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me, and my soul was commanded to be at peace : a glorious calm alway ensued. Whereas, on the other hand, when I or others endeavoured to speak peace to myself, mine enemies boldly repelled all, and flew on me, as the devil did on the exorcists. (Acts xix. 16.)

The Lord now sweetly relieved me as to my doubts about the Scriptures. — 1. AVhereas mine enemies had often pushed me with this, that there were many pre-

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tenders to revelation, and hereon to difficult me, asked how I would or could distinguish the word of God from these pretenders? the Lord himself now gave a quieting reply : " The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the -svheat? saith the Lord. Is not my word like as a fire? saith the Lord; and like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces?" (Jer. xxiii. 28, 29.) 2. He was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had stum- bled, to my soul, and often to evidence his authority in and by those passages which I took exception at. And this condescension was of manifold use. It satisfied as to those passages; it reproved and humbled me for my unbelief and ignorance in quarrelling at them; it ren- dered me jealous of the like temptations with respect to other passages ; it put me to plead clearing as to what was dark from the Lord; it gave me hope as to the issue : " These things understood not his disciples at the first. They said, therefore. What is this that he saith, A little while? we cannot tell what he saith." But when he had risen from the dead, " his disciples remem- bered that he had said this unto them : and they be- lieved the Scripture, and the word which Jesus had said." (John xii. 16, compared with xvi. 18, and with ii. 22.) Then was I made to say with the disciples, " Lo, now speakest thou plainly, and speakest no pro- verb." (John xvi. 29.) 3. Where I was not presently cleared, the Lord gave me subsistence — as it were some- thing to live on till light came ; he satisfied me from the word of the reasons of his expressing himself in the Scriptures in parables to the multitude; and he told me that what he did and said I knew not now, but encou- raged me to hope that I should know hereafter, when my need required it. (John xiii. 7.) 4. He was as good as his word; for when I was alone with him, he

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opened what before was spoken in parables; and while he opened the Scripture, and discovered my ignorance, he often made my " heart burn within me." (Luke xxiv. 32.) Again: 5. He satisfied me as to many things, that I was not yet able to bear them ; as to others, that it was not for me to know them at present — that the proper season of light as to them would come, when he would show me plainly of them, and then should I know them. (Mark iy. 33; John xvi. 12, 13.) 6. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in training me up to dependence, for opening of my eyes to see the wonders of his law, and leading me to importune him that what I knew not he might teach, and discovering hereby that I knew but in part, and stood in need of the Spirit to " guide into all truth," to bring all to remembrance; and that it was my duty to " meditate on God's law day and night," and search the Scriptures, and that with much humility, since " the secret of the Lord is with them that fear him, " and he " shows them his covenant," and he guides " the meek in judgment," and clearly teaches them his way. (Ps. i. 2, cxix. 18, xxv. 9, 10, 12, 14; Job xxxiv. 32; John x^d. 12, 13; 1 Cor. xiii. 12.)

When after this I now read the Scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, quickening, and sparkling glory, yet I found mine eyes opened, and an habitual light planted in my soul, whereby I was enabled almost everywhere to discern the glory of the Lord in some measure; and thereby my conscience was secretly overawed, and brought even then to regard them as his word; being translated out of darkness into light, and illuminated in some measure in the knowledge of God, his nature, pui-poses, and the tendency of his whole dealings with men : there was hereby a light re- flected on the whole Scripture, and I was ordinarily enabled to discern the congruity of all that I read there to those discoveries of God, and how worthy of him,

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and like himself every tiling was. (1 Cor. ii. 15; John X. 4, 5; Col. i. 13; 1 John ii. 27.) And by this abiding light I was capable of discerning in the words, discoveries of the actings of sin in grace — a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save the om- niscient and only wise God.

And being thus once in this way quieted as to the truth, in the same and other ways of a like nature, I was daily confirmed.

CHAPTER VIII.

Containing a short account of the issue of sofne other temptations whereicith I had heen eceercised^ and the relief I got icith respect to them from the Lord.

I HAVE above shown that Satan, who had often tempted me to pride, when he found it for his interest, turned himself another way, and made it his work to drive to a bastard sort of humility. When I was caught in the thicket of his temptations about the truth of the Scrip- tures, and other things of a like nature, and was using means to get my mind relieved, he often, with much importunity, urged me with this thought, To what pm- pose do ye seek for satisfaction? or how can ye be so vain as to expect it about these things, wherein men of incomparably greater reach, abilities, diligence, and op- portunities, have been obliged to remain unsatisfied, and upon that account have given up with them? This temptation was often urged with that hellish violence, that I had no spirit left in me by it. I was ready to let my hands hang down, my knees turned feeble, and my mouth was often at speaking it out, that there was no hope; and I went about to make myself despair of any

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good fruit of any labour taken, or tliat could by me be exercised and laid out under the sun.

When the Lord made the foregoing discovery of him- self to me, the force of this temptation was quite broken, by seeing the truths of God in his own light. But I got not a particular discovery of the weakness of this temptation then, till some time after, reading in my ordi- nary the first three chapters of the First Epistle to the Corinthians, the Lord was pleased to open mine eyes, and make me understand the weakness of this temptation. The light that then shined upon my soul from and by tliis portion of Scripture, and the satisfaction of soul it gave, as to this temptation, no Avords can express; nor can I, at this distance of time, narrate all that then the Lord made convincingly clear to me from his word. Yet the substance I do remember, and shall represent in the following remarks : —

1. God here represented to me that his great design, in the method of salvation made choice of by infinite wisdom, was to stain the pride of all glory, that " no flesh might glory in his sight;" but that he " that glories, should glory only in the Lord." (1 Cor. i. 29, 31.)

2. The Lord discovered that a vain ambition to be wise above what God allowed w^as the spring and principal part of our apostasy from God; and that ever since Satan first dropt that poison into our natures, it has wrought strongly: " Yain man would be wise" — " The Jews ask a sign, and the Greeks seek after wis- dom." (1 Cor. i. 22.)

3. That in order to the attainment of the foregoing design, and indeed for the recovery of man, it was plainly necessary that man's ambition in this matter should be effectually cliecked. This being a principal branch of our corruption, if it were not cured, we were not com- pletely recovered. This lying in a plain opposition to the design of God, if it were not levelled, this design

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could not be reached. Hereon it became necessary that God should " destroy the wisdom of the Avise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent." (1 Cor. i. 19.)

4. God, to vindicate his oaati "wisdom, which was reproached by this vain ambition of man — to fix an eternal blot on this wisdom of man, set up in opposi- tion to it, and eifectually discover its vanity in the depth of his w'isdom, and holy severity in punishing this ambition, and other wickednesses of vain man — suffered for many ages all nations to walk in their own ways, and try them, whether they were better than God's ways ; whether they could supply the defects which they fondly imagined God at first had made them with, or relieve themselves from the misery their apostasy had brought them mider. He said, " I wiU hide my face from them ; I will see what their end shall be ; for they are a A'^ery froward generation, children in whom is no faith." (Deut. xxxii. 20.) And the event was every Avay ansv/erable to the expectation and design of divine wisdom and justice, and the desert of the wickedness and folly of men, who made the attemp^i ; for after near four thousand years' fruitless endeavours spent, through the wise forbearance of God, " the world by wisdom knew not God." They, in the wisdom of God, quite missed the mark — their "foolish minds were darkened; seeking to be wise, they became fools " (Rom. i. 22) ; and instead of getting their eyes opened to see and know more than God allowed them, they could see nothing but their own nakedness ; and so imperfect were their discoveries, that their wisdom suggested to them that fig leaves could cure that.

5. After, in the wisdom of God, "the world by wisdom knew not God " — after they had spent the time allotted them for the trial and discovery of the vanity of their own wisdom, with a success answerable

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to the vanity of the attempt — God, in the depth of his compassion, stepped in for the relief of mankind ; £nd for a furtherance of the glorious design above men- tioned, was pleased to pitch on a way quite opposite to all that the wisdom of foolish man aimed at. The means he made use of were not such as man's wisdom would or could expect, prescribe, or approve of. He made not choice of the enticing words of man's Avis- dom or eloquence — ^human eloquence. It was no way suitable to the majesty, truth, and sincerity of God, to make choice of that mean art, whereby the affections of weak men are inveigled, and their judg- ments biassed, and led blindfold in a subjection to those passions which they should govern. He made no choice of artificial reasonings — the other eye of human wisdom. It did not become the majesty of God to dis- pute men into their duty, or a compliance ^^-ith his Avill. And albeit he wrought signs to waken the attention of a world droAvned in security, to conciliate respect to his ambassadors, to strengthen the faith of his own, and cut off all seemingly rational pleas for unbelief; yet he choosed not them, nor did he principally insist on them as the means of converting and recovering the world, not being willing to derogate so far from his word as to encourage an opinion that the devil would, and has forwardly propagate, that God's word is not upon its OAvn evidence, without miracles worthy of the accepta- tion of rational creatures. Nor would he gratify the unbelieving curiosity of men, who woujd put God to the drudgery of altering the course of nature, and please their humour on every turn.

6. God having rejected all these, made choice of the foolishness of preaching ; that is, a plain declaration of his mind and will in his name, in the demonstration of the Spirit and power, and not in the enticing words of man's wisdom, by persons commissionated for that effect

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Ly him. " After that in the wisdom of God the world by- wisdom knew not God, it pleased God, by the foolishness of preaching, to save them that believe." (1 Cor. i. 21.) Now this Avas every way worthy of God. Man was injurious to God, by crediting the devil rather than God. The devil seemed to have gained a considerable advantage in persuading man in his integrity to credit him, and discredit God. God, on the other hand, rubbed shame on him, by engaging fallen man to reject the devil, and credit him on his bare word ; and upon this, to give up with Satan, and all that adhered to him.

7. God, yet further to manifest his design, as he made use of the foolishness of preaching, that mean which, though really it is the wisdom and power of God, yet men look on as foolish and weak ; so he made choice not of the scribes, the learned, wise disputers, to be his ambassadors, but of foolish, weak, illiterate men, that by things which in appearance are not, he might bring to nought those that are. (1 Cor. i. 28.)

8. In a further congruity to this design, God saw meet to disappoint men's expectation and wisdom as far with respect to the Saviour whom he raised up, as the means of discovering him. He made choice of a cruci- fied Christ, " a man of soyows and acquainted with grief," and passed by all the great and high potentates of the earth, and the Avorldly pomp and grandeur, which men respect and dote on.

9. To lay man yet lower, that the Lord alone might be exalted, he chose not such persons as the world would have thought stood fairest for mercy, but he chose the most miserable and contemptible for most part. " Not many wise, not many noble, not many mighty are called ; but God hath chosen the foolish things of this world, to confound the wise, and God hath chosen the weak things of this world, to confomid

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those that are mighty ; and base things of this world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen ; yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are." (1 Cor. i. 26-28.)

10. The Lord hereon let me see — (1.) That it was to be expected, and was indeed inevitable, that a great opposition should be made to the gospel, and whole rcA^elation of himself in the word. (2.) That this oppo- sition was principally to be by pretenders to wisdom, learned men. (3.) That their objections should be against all the concernments of the gospel — matter, manner, means, all being opposite to their expectations ; and that, therefore, it was no wonder to see some stumble at the cross, some at preaching, some at preachers. (4.) That their pleas should be very different and various — the Jews seeking signs, and the Greeks wisdom, accord- ing as their different principles and inclinations led them. (5.) That it was to be expected that their objec- tions should be specious, they being suited to the ■\'\'is- dom, the natural apprehensions of all men unrenewed, and not brought to a compliance with the grand design of God. (6.) That it was impossible for any man that was not brought to be a fool in his own eyes, to be wise in the matters of God, or to discern and approve of the wisdom of God in this whole matter.

Upon this discovery I was fully satisfied, that though those things were, in the wisdom of God, hid from the wise and prudent, yet babes might have a satisfying dis- covery of them, because it has pleased the Father to reveal these things to them.

I was made to see that this opposition of learned men, and their unsuccessfulness in their inquiries, were so far from being a just prejudice to the truth of God, that, on the contrary, it was a strong confirmation of the truth of religion. Thus, out of the eater came forth meat, and sweet out of the strong. While I thought to

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kilow this, it was too hard for me. Then went I to the sanctuary, and there I saw their end. Hence I was made to hope, that though my heart and my flesh should and did fail me, God would he the strength of my heart and portion for ever — that he would guide me by his counsel, and afterwards receive me to glory. And, therefore, surely it is good for me to draw near to God, who has not said to the seed of Jacob, " Seek ye me in vain." He is good to the soul that seeks him — to them that wait for him. " In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen." (Judg. xiv. 14; Ps. Ixxiii. 15, 16, 24, 26, 28 ; Gen. xxiv. 14.)

I found frequently that common and much noised pretence against the most important truths of the Scrip- ture, especially those which are controverted by Pela- gians, Arminians, and Socinians, that they are contrary to reason, making considerable impression on my mind. But this being rather by fits and starts, than for any fixed tract of time, I shall shortly point at the springs of my relief from temptations of this sort : —

1. God had, long before I got a full relief, fixed me in a deep, rational conviction of the shortness of human knowledge, and that there is no truth we receive, whe- ther upon the evidence of metaphysical, mathematical, or moral principles, or even on the evidence of our senses, against which there lay not insoluble objections, on which no man yet thought it reasonable to question those truths; nor though we would never so much, yet could we not for these objections bring our minds to hesitate about many of them. This I was fully satisfied about, on the clearest conviction of reason and experi- ence. And as this was one of the most considerable fruits of my studies in philosophy, so it was many ways useful to me; for — (1.) It made me see through the vanity of that pretence against divine truths, that there lie unansAverable arguments against them. This I

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thought woulcl not shake me, if once I saw sufficient evidence for them. (2.) I was brought under a convic- tion hereby, that it was reasonable to expect more inex- tricable difficulties about truths supernaturally revealed than about others, because they lie farther out of our reach. (3.) When difficulties occun'ed, I was led rather to suspect myself of ignorance than the truths of God.

2. When the Lord gave me the foregoing discovery of himself, he fixed me in the faith of his incomprehen- sibility. AVhile he let me see his back parts, he con- vinced me that I could not see his face. He let me see that his ways are not our ways: and hereon I durst not any more attempt to measure him or his ways by my short line.

3. Hereby likewise I was brought to rest quietly in the determination of the word. I took all to the law and to the testimony: and where the word clearly in- terposed its testimony, my soul was now in some mea- sure taught to acquiesce in, and stand to its determina- tion.

4. When I found the subtle endeavours of adversaries to pervert any particular testimony, and myself unable at first to disprove their evasions, I was much relieved by a vicAV of the multiplied testimonies of the word, all running the same way, and declaring as it were with one mouth for the truth.

5. When by consulting interpreters, especially cri- tics, I found myself rather darkened than cleared about the meaning of particular testimonies, I had recourse to the scope of the words, the plain meaning as it offer- ed itself to view, with a humble dependence upon God for light, as to his mind; and hereby found my soul much more satisfied about the meaning of the word, than by the subtle fetches of bold critics, that are often injurious to truth.

6. When for a time, by the subtle perversions of

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Scripture testimonies, I could not find the use of them, the analogy of faith stayed my mind as to the truth, till I was in case to recover the particular testimonies out of the enemy's hand. When the Lord manifested himself from the word to me, he gave me a sweet view of himself and his design, principally aimed at in the whole revelation he made of himself, and of the sweet and harmonious consent and concurrence of the princi- pal doctrines of the gospel, in promoting that design; and he let me see how the end and the means were so closely linked together, that one of these truths could not be overturned, but almost all the rest must follow its fate. Hereon, whenever any of these truths was con- troverted, its connectioE with the other truths, uniformly and plainly attested by the current of the Scriptures, presented itself, and my mind was satisfied it could not fall, unless they all fell. This I take to be the analogy of faith; and herein I often took sanctuary.

7. My mind was often stayed by the concurrent suffrage of the pious in all chui-ches, and nations, and ages, witnessed in their particular writings and confes- sions of faith. I loved to walk in the footsteps of the flock ; that is, of those of whose piety we had the best secm-ity.

8. The direct opposition, especially of the Pelagian notions, to my own experience, and that of all the fearers of God I conversed with, as well as the Scrip- tures, was a very great relief.

9. One thing that made me always read Arminians and Socinians with a just jealousy, was a clear view of their scandalous disingenuity in misrepresenting the opinions they opposed.

10. When I seriously viewed the difficulties they urged against the truth, I often found them caught in the thicket, and as deeply fastened and entangled in the same, or other full as great or greater inconveniences.

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11. The fore-mentioned view of the design of the gospel, as represented from the 1st of the Corinthians, was of great use.

12. God very often, when I was perplexed about particular Scriptures, gave me a view of their meaning in his ow^n light, opened them to me; and after him temptations spoke not again.

Many other things and considerations of a like nature have been relieving; which, because they are too many and too long to be here narrated, I pass. These mentioned may serve for a taste.

I now come to give some account of my relief from another temptation, wherewith I have been continually exercised from my youth, and yet sometimes am ; and it respects death. I have above narrated what a continual bondage I was in through fears of death, and how early these fears began : I shall now give some account of my relief.

1. I found the Lord's mercy, manifested in Christ, free me from the spirit of bondage, and acquaint me in some measure with that liberty that is the attendant of the spirit of adoption; and hereby all my fears were much weakened.

2. The Lord, by that discovery he made of himself in Christ, removed in a great measure the grounds wherein I had heretofore feared death most — the want of evidence about the reality of things not seen, and sin the sting of death ; and hereon my mind was much eased, because I was now in some measure secured against both these fears.

3. The strong power of sin that I found still remain- ing, and the disturbance thence arising, made life not desirable; and a prospect of riddance by death, and a more satisfying discovery of the Lord, made death appear more desirable.

4. Whereas a natural aversion to death still continued.

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and I found still some fear upon a close prospect of it arising in my mind, I was much relieved by the pro- mise of the Lord's helping against temptation, and en- gaging for his people that they should not be tempted above what they are able to bear, but that when the trial comes, he will provide a way of escape. (1 Cor. X. 13.)

5. My faith as to this promise was often strengthen- ed by former experience; particularly, I remember one day travelling from Edinburgh to Leith, and meditating upon death, I Avas oppressed wdth fear, when the Lord mercifully suggested this scriptm-al thought, though not in Scripture words, Have you not shrinked formerly under the remote prospect of other trials ? and have you not yet been carried honourably and safely through them? What reason have you to distrust God as to future trials, who has given grace formerly to help in time of need? This quieted my mind at the time.

6. With respect to this, it has always been very satis- fying to consider, that it is no way meet that God should give us grace before trials come, but that he should keep us humble and dependent by reserving that in his own hand, and teach us to submit to his judgment, as to the measure and time of performing his own promises, and giving the necessary supplies of grace.

7. Hereon my soul is quieted under all my fears of this trial, in some measure of the faith of this, that the Lord is a God of judgment, and that they are all blessed who wait on him in the faith of his promises, not doubt- ing either of his faithfulness as to the accomplishment, or judgment as to the right timing and measuring them in proportion to our trials and necessities.

8. The Lord has often given me, when clouded by this fear, a sweet discovery of the beauty of this disposal, that we have promises tjp live upon till the trials come, and that when they come, we shall then get accomplish •

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ments to live on. "In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen." (Gen. xxiv. 14.)

Finally, The experiences of the Lord's faithfulness recorded in history, and learned by report, or by my own observation, did often help to strengthen my faith of this; and here I rest to this day. I dare not say, I am ready to die ; I dare not say, I have faith or grace sui£- cient to carry me through death ; I dare not say, that I have no fears of death: but this I say, there is grace enough for helping me laid up in the promise — there is a throne of grace to which in our straits we may have recourse. He is a God of judgment who has the dis- posal, and who will not withhold it when it is really the time of need.

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PAET IV.

CONTAINING SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS ORDINATION UNTO THE HOLY MINISTRY, AND HIS CONDUCT THEREIN.

CHAPTER I.

Of his being licensed to preach the Goqiel.

"When I ^vas under the yiolent strugglings related in the account of the second part of my life, I had laid by all thoughts of the work of the ministry. It was like hell once to entertain a thought of preaching to others what I did not belieye myself ; but now things began to alter, and the Lord led me on to that which I declined before : and I find the steps of his p^o^^dence about me in this matter do deserve to be remembered by me. — 1. My mother did devote me from my childhood to this work, and often expressed her desire to lend me to the Lord all the days of my life, to serve him in the gospel of his Son. This has often had its own weight on my spirit. 2. The course of my studies had looked that way; my education pointed towards that work; which providen- tial determination of my studies, though I had no great regard to it at some times, yet on other occasions it had some weight on my spirit, that I dm'st not rashly turn my thoughts another way. 3. The Lord forcibly, by his providence, did break my design of following the study of philosophy by the foregoing exercise, of which I have

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given an account, brought my mind to acquiesce in this dispensation, and made philosophy comparatively dis- tasteful ; and it was, upon the serious review of the temp- tations moving me to incline that way, made extremely unsavoury. 4. The Lord having thus loosed my heart from that study that for a while did rival it with the study of divinity, he did also, by the foregoing issue of my dark exercise, remove and take away the principal stumbling-blocks, and make the way straight. 5. He further, by the discovery of his glory in the face of Christ, engaged my heart to, and endeared to my soul the knowledge of Christ, and him crucified. 6. He brought me under a lively sense of that forcible tie that was hereon laid on me, to lay out myself in any way that he should call me to be serviceable to him; and I was made to think that I should be the more happy the more directly my work should look that Avay. 7. While, like Peter, I was musing sometimes on these things, about the month of April or May 1698, two ministers were sent, to my great surprise, from the presbytery of Kirk- aldy, urging me to enter on trials: I did altogether decline the proposal, because I had no reading, wanted the languages, and had been much diverted from study, particularly by the foregoing exercise, which had filled my thoughts for near a year and a-half, and it was not then two years since I came from the college. In a word, I did answer, " I am a child, and cannot speak." (Jer. i. 6.) And here I stuck surprised and tossed \ATith thoughts what this might mean, and whence it was, for I had scarce ever looked near the presbytery. Thev prescribed John i. 12, for a te's.t, and left me to consider of it. 8.1 found my aversion strong to enter so soon at least on trials : but still it had some weight on mv spirit, and I did think further of it, and found that the Lord's dealings with me of late, in the great variety of trials, casting me do\Mi, and raising me up again and

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again, looked at a preparation for comforting others \vitli the consolations whereAvith I had been comforted, and sympathizing with them, as having had experience of a great variety of temptations; and I found that by these my little knowledge of the mystery of the gospel received some improvement. 9. The ministers continued to solicit me, and press home their desire; but while I stood out against their solicitations, though not without some secret struggle and doubting whether in so doing I might not be declining duty, I began to observe the Lord raising a storm against me; I began to see the snares of the station I was in, the advantages my cor- ruptions had by it against me; and, in a word, the Lord made it out to me that I behoved to change my station; but I was not hereby cleared to comply with their desire, yet I durst not flatly decline it. About this I was much tossed. May 20, 1698. The Lord was taking away some that had been most helpful and en- couraging, my inward perplexities grew, and I was not like to have peace in my own mind. 10, While I was in this case, Mr. Riddel did. May 30, come to the TVemyss, and, after much converse and many reasonings, chai'ged me to try and have my thoughts on my text, and then do, or stand off, as the Lord should clear duty ; which I did consent to. 11. But after this I still did shift and decline, and could not think of a compliance ; and then, December 28, provost Ramsay WTote earnestly desiring me to take the charge of my lord Maitland. This put me to a stand a little, and I was inclined to embrace it at first; but on further consideration I was fully cleared to reject that motion, and so I remained in my former strait, crying to the Lord frequently that he might discover duty. I was fully satisfied that I behoved not to stay there, but yet was averse from the ministry, at least so soon. But that which had well-nigh turned me quite off, was an express from my

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friend and my father's, the worthy Mr. James Duncan, urging me in the most pressing terms to take the charge of my lord DupHn's children, offering what encourage- ment I pleased. My father's deep obligation to that family, and several other things, carried my inclination strongly toward a compliance; but having, at Mr. For- rester's earnest desire, undertaken a homily in the new college, which I was to deliver next week, I took time to consider of it; and after that I had, on February 28, 1699, delivered my discourse on Job xxviii. 28, I went to visit my acquaintance, worthy Mr. Shiels, who did urge me to enter on trials, with that gravity and concern that had more weight on my spirit than all that had been spoken to me. Upon this, and other things that offered themselves to view, I was fully satisfied it was duty to lay aside thoughts of Mr. Duncan's proposal. 12. The presbytery of Kirkaldy, March 16, 1699, urged me to try a common head, and if I was not, after that, clear to proceed, promised to leave me to my choice ; whereupon I consented, and delivered it April 20, when I accepted of a text, and they offered me Ps. cxix. 9, which I delivered May 1 0, and afterward the exercise and addition which I delivered before the synod that met about Mr. Inglis' affair. May 23 ; and thereon took a popular sermon, being not a little encouraged by IVIr. Shiels, who spoke again seriously to me after sermon and exercise, ■« .hich was on Rom. viii. S6. My popular sermon was on Ps. Ixxiii. 24, which I delivered on June 22, and was licensed then, after I had gone through the usual trials. 13. As the Lord did, by the formerly mentioned conduct of providence about me, remove my scruples, and clear my mind; so his countenancing me in my first appearances, not only by supplying me for the work, but making it successful towards the awaken- ing of some and comforting of others, did not a little confirm and encourage me.

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CHAPTER 11.

Of Ids entering on the mimstry at Ceres,

Being thus licensed, June 22, 1699, at Kirkaldy, I continued preaching, as appointed or desired, every Lord's-day, for most part, blessed be God, not without some countenance and success. November 23, the call of South Leith came to me, where I had preached some time before. Mr. Wishart, the minister, \ai\\ several elders, came with it: and November 29, a call from the Elie, where I also had preached, was put in my hand; and much about the same time the call of the parish of Ceres was put in my hand. I took them to considera- tion, and gave no manner of hopes to any. I found my- self in a great strait betA\dxt Leith and Ceres, and it was much the greater that both posts lay not within one province, and so there was no judicature equally con- cerned in both to whom I might submit ; so that I was necessitated to make a choice myself. After some en- deavours, ^^dth my ovm heart, to bring it to a willingness to close mth either, as God should clear up duty, I did set myself to consider and ponder reasons on the one hand and the other ; and for Leith the folloA^'ing reasons had weight: —

"1. The importance of the post, and considerableness of the charge.

"2. The unanimity of their call, after they had been long otherwise.

"3. The colleague was most desirable, and one from Avhom I might learn much, both as to preaching and discipline.

"4. There was a considerable number of godly in the place.

••'5. I should have the advantage of living in the

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presbytery of Edinburgh, where there as unquestionably the fairest occasion for improvement.

" 6. The commission's interposition on behalf of Leith, by their letter of the date "

On the other hand, for Ceres it was of weisfht: —

" 1. That the parish was considerable, had been en- tirely without one of a long time, had been divided, and was now harmonious ; whereas Leith was well supplied of one.

" 2. That whereas Leith, lying near Edinburgh, where they had the choice of young men, and had men of weight and activity, and interest to obtain whom they had a mind to, it was otherAvise with Ceres.

" 3. Where colleagues are most desirable, a collegiate life is not without such difficulties as should incline one not to run into them without an evident call.

" 4. I had not enjoyed time for reading, and could not in a to^vn, and that so near Edinburgh, where the charge was so great, have any time for improvement, which I might hope for in the country, at least in the winter season.

" 5. The charge was less than the half of Leith, and my body was but weak.

" 6. I found my temper soft and unmeet for managing the humours of town's people. And,

" 7. I found my best friends, whom I had reason to respect, as designing nothing but my good, firmly of the opinion that Ceres was the more suitable charge."

Having weighed all, and laid the matter before the Lord, as I could, 1 at length came to a resolution to reject the call of Leith, and did, January 2, 1700, give it up, and close with that of Ceres, to the great dissatis- faction of the minister and people of Leith, who had been at more pains wdth me than I deserved.

Being thus, in some measure, cleared to accept of Ceres* call, that of the Elie making no competition, I

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 187

(lid enter on. trials, and delivered my common head de communicatione idiomatum, February 13, at Cupar, and my exercise and addition on Gal. iii. 9. March 19, and April 16, I delivered my popular sermon on Rev. i. 6, and underwent the other parts of my private trials; and at last, on May 1, 1700, was ordained at Ceres. Mr. Alexander Pitcairn, minister at Kilmeny, preached on Heb. xiii. 17; and Sabbath next I began my ministry, on Acts x. 29, May 5, 1700.

CHAPTER m.

0/ his management in the work of the ministry.

After he was licensed to preach, and before he was ordained to the ministry, on some solemn occasions, he dedicated himself to the service of the Lord with earnest prayer for the suitable endowments, whereby he might be fitted for the discharge of that high trust, if it should please God to call him to it. This occurs frequently in his diary, whereof take an instance or two in his own words : —

"April 18, 1700, being the fast in order to Leslie's sacrament, I rose early in the morning; and after some review of my former ways, and serious thoughtfulness of the design of the present duty, I did in prayer pour out my soul to God, confessing sins; and I dare not say but it was with some tender sense of the dishonour done to God, and of the wretched unkindness that is in them to God. Original sin, imputed and inherent, were both heavy, and my particular evils. I did solemnly renew my engagements to the Lord, accepting of Christ accord- ing to the gospel offer and terms, and did endeavour particularly to act faith on him, with respect to the

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ministerial endowments, and did devote myself to him in that service.

" May 1, 1700, [[being the day of his ordination]. This morning I renewed my engagements to God, and accepted of Christ upon the gospel terms, casting myself over upon him, not only for what belongs to me as a private Christian, but as a minister, eyeing his strength for through -bearance in the whole of the work, particu- larly pleading for his presence this day. I cannot deny his presence in secret. Mr. Alexander Pitcairn, minis- ter of Kilmeny, preached the ordination sermon, on Heb. xiii. 17, where he insisted upon the watchman's duty. I cannot deny but my heart was much weighed with the sense of the greatness of the work; and after I had answered the questions put to me concerning my soundness in the faith, and the sincerity of my purposes in undertaking the office and work of the holy ministry, I was ordained. Lord, thou knowest what my heart's desire to thee was in the time, 0 Lord, help, and through grace I shall lay out myself for gaining sinners to thee ! "

Being thus entered into the ministry, he studied and prepared his semions with much serious secret prayer for divine assistance and direction in his work, and for a successful blessing upon the w^ord, hoth to himself and his hearers.

His practice also was to review and remark his beha- viour and acquitting himself in public duties, as to what assistance and enlargement he obtained — as to the gi*a- vity, seriousness, tenderness in his o\^ii frame — as to his concern for the souls of hearers — as to the warming of his affections with the comforts and ravishing sweetness of divine truths ; and wdien he was remarkably helped, it issued in thanksgiving to God, and watching against vain pride and self, that that might not rob the Lord of the glory of his free grace. When otherwise, it was matter of humiliation to him.

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Knowing that he was called to watch for souls, as one that must give an account, he had the w^eight of the ministerial charge much upon his spirit. He was, there- fore, at pains to acquaint himself with the spiritual state of the souls of his flock, that he might be the more cap- able of dealing with them for their edification, accord- ing to their particular cases. In order thereunto, so far as health and strength did allow, he was diligent in visiting all the families within his parish, in instructing his people by the familiar Avay of catechising, and in marking their proficiency in the knowledge of the truths of the gospel. At some seasons, also, especially when he was about to administer the sacrament of the Lord's supper, he conversed severally with such who were to be admitted unto that holy ordinance; not to bring them unto auricular confessions, but to try what sense they had of serious religion and practical godliness, what efficacy and influence the w^ord of God had upon them, and what fruits of the preached gospel w^re to be found in them, that accordingly he might deal mth their consciences, and rightly divide unto them the word of truth. Take one instance of this in his o>vn words, as they are found written, July 8, 1703, when he had laboured about three years in the ministry at Ceres.

" I have," saith he, "spent now about a month in con- verse with my people, and I observe the few following things : —

" 1. That of three or four hundred persons, there were not above forty^vho had not, at one time or other, been more or less awakened by the w^ord, though with far the greater part it came no length; whence, notwithstanding, it follows — (1.) That where there is a faithful ministry, it is not like but most part are, at one time or other, in so far touched as will be sm-e to issue in a dreadful aggravation of their guilt in quenching

190 MEMOIRS OF THE

the Spirit, and putting out ligtt; for if so many -were touclied, so that they could remember of it, how many more may have been so, who have not noticed this? (2.) The Lord leaves not himself without a witness, even in the bosom of his enemies, whereby he makes them feign submission; he gives the word such power as makes them feel that it is his, which tends to enhance their guilt.

" 2. All who were thus convinced, did declare, that any awakenings ever they had, were either under the preachers in the fields or since the revolution. This, whatever may become of the ministers, is a testimony to their way, and says that they are called of God.

" 3. The most judicious and ingrained raalignants did most frankly declare to me, that till the revolution they were never touched with the word; there was never one that said he was touched by the curates ; but^ on the contrary, all declared otherwise, and the most zealous that way were most frank in making undesired confessions by the plain evidence of truth.

" 4. There has not been one presbyterian minister in the parish since the revolution whom the Lord has not honoured to awaken many; besides their being helped to beget some, through the gospel, to a new and lively hope. I conversed with some, of whom I have reason to hope good things, even things that accompany salvation, that seem to have been brought in by all the presbyterian ministers, who were there these fifty years bygone.

" 5. I observe, for which I bless the Lord, that be- sides not a few whom the Lord has awakened under my ministry, some there are who seem to promise more than flowers, even fruit: and further, a general ac- knowledgment from most, that the word comes near them daily; which — (1.) Makes me ashamed of my o\vn negligence. (2.) Adore God's goodness that blesses

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 191

my weak labours notwithstanding. (3.) Encourages rae to think that, whatever may be amiss, yet I have not run unsent.

"6. I observe, that it is very hard to judge of the competency of knowledge, in order to admission. And,

" 7. That knowing people, estranged from the power of religion, are in the most deplorable condition ima- ginable; for I found it almost impossible to get such brought to any sense of their case."

His ministerial concern was not confined to his parish of Ceres, but did extend itself to the whole church. And the consideration of abounding errors and profane- ness of the time did fill his heart with heavy and per- plexing thoughts; as may be observed from the follow- ing hints : —

" Ques. What is the duty that is in a special manner called for from this church in this day ?

" Ans. 1. Mourning. It is a day of abominations.

" 2. A serious endeavour to be rooted and estab- lished in the truths of religion ; for there is an aim to destroy the foundations, and temptations to final and total apostasy abound.

" 3. A shining gospel-walk as a testimony against the horrid profanity of the time.

" Herein, O that I might get my soul continu- ally exercised ! Blessed shall he be at this day who, when the Lord comes, shall be foimd so employed. A sad neglect of those gives ground to fear terrible things.

" One reason why the gospel is so unsuccessful at this day is, because the simplicity of preaching is neglected. A due application of Scripture is the best preaching; for confirming which it is remarkable, that though God may make use of the words of man in let- ting into the meaning of it, yet it is the very Scripture word whereby he ordinarily conveys the comfort or

192 MEMOIRS OF THE

advantage of whatever sort ; it is this tool of God's own framing that works the effect."

At another time he saith: " Having considered the growth of error, my heart is affected and filled with many heavy and perplexing thoughts^ I saw, and daily see more and more the groAvth of Amiinian, Pelagian, and Socinian errors; this, with the growth of profanity that is visible, gives me a sad prospect of what may be coming. This observation that follows was strangely fixed upon my thought :

" 1. The gospel truth when first published, was piu-e, without the mixture of errors. Yet,

" 2. "When it spread a little, errors quickly were vented to discredit it.

" 3. Errors in process of time grew; and the farther off from the first times of the gospel, the farther off" from the simplicity and purity.

"4. When Christianity obtained external establish- ment in the world, then there was a remarkable increase of error.

"5. Superstition and error at length overspread, and the Lord must both punish and purge.

" 6.' The way he took to do both, was to give up in the sixth century to a general apostasy, under Moham- med in the east, and the Pope in the west. Thus all these errors, as it were, run into one, or run together. That thus the churches were sufficiently punished by these two dreadful plagues, and that there was a pur- gation by them is plain, in that after the reformation, truth broke out with a beaming lustre and much purity. Since that time error has had a second growth. Whe- ther the Lord may not take the same method of purging us again by casting all into the furnace, we cannot tell; we must leave it to himself."

Some of the followers of Mrs. Bourignon having come into his parish, and endeavouring to propagate

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBDRTON. 193

their opinions under the plausible pretext of singular piety and devotion, he thought fit to guard his people against that infection ; a short account whereof he gives in the foUowdng words : —

"April 20, 1707. — This day the Lord directed to strike at the root of prevailing delusions. In opposition to which I taught —

"1. That true holiness will not admit of the leaving out of some duties; and that the devotees, while they withdraAv from the world, omitted — (1.) A testimony to the usefulness of the Lord's institutions of worship. (2.) Usefulness among men. (3.) Diligence in their parti- cular calling.

" 2. That holiness consists not in a strict observance of self-devised rules, such as many of theirs are.

" 3. That when men pretend to holiness in their walk, and neglect the institutions of worship, then none can conclude that in anything they are influenced by the authority of the Lord Jesus ; for that same authority binds to the one as well as to the other.

" 4. That the most effectual inducement to obedience is, a constant improvement of the blood of Christ by faith, and a sense of forgiveness kept on the soul. Lord, bear home truth ! "

CHAPTER IV.

Containing Ms judgment concerning several cases^ espe- cially with respect to his own exercise and practice.

Concerning times of trial.

" Concerning fears of falling in times of trial, I was much assaulted, and was quieted with the following remarks : —

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of trial! ^^<i-i the fii»vking

194 MEMOIRS OF THE

"1. These fears of this which disquiet us are a part of that thoughtfulness for futurity which is forbidden.

" 2. These fears are bottomed on many wild supposi- tions, as that I should have strength proportioned to trials before they come ; unto trials that may never come ; that they that live upon the promises have not a sui'e bottom, &c.

" 3. That in 2 Cor. i. 9 : ' We have the sentence of death in ourselves, that we may not trust in ourselves,' was quieting ; but,

" 4. My great relief was that which has been my life, that promise, I Cor. x. 13: ' There hath no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able ; but -will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.* It is not what I have that makes me promise or expect through-bearance, but what is in Christ and in the promises."

Of eternity and immortality.

" I had some strugglings about the belief of eternity and immortality; but was very much quieted — 1. By a clear view that eternity was wTapt up and implied in every truth of religion. 2. Especially by much light accompanying that Scripture : ' Wherefore hast thou made all men in vain?' (Ps. Ixxxix. 47.) If there be not eternity, man answers no valuable purpose with respect to God, or with respect to himself; and so is, indeed, ' made in vain.' This did more establish my soul than ever it had been in this truth, which let me see how soon God can make unbelief give back, and give peace in believing."

Of ministers consulting people in ministerial duties. " While I had occasion to speak and hear of some

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 195

ministers, their being swayed much by the advice of good people, in dark steps of their ministerial work, I was satisfied in the evident clearness of the following rules : —

" 1. That it is very dangerous to lay too much stress upon the advice and apprehensions of the best of people as to what may be sin or duty in matters that belong not to their station; for the promise of the Spirit's teaching belongs not to them as to what may be the duty of the minister's station : therefore,

" 2. It is safer to desire the help of their prayers, that God may, according to his promise, clear us, or discover to us w^hat is duty, than to learn them to step out of their stations, and advise in things that belong not to them.

"3. In consulting with others for light, regard should be had to the different talents of men, and most regard should be had, in matters of soul-exercise, to those whom the Lord has fitted with endowments that way. In matters of government, most regard should be had to those w^hom the Lord has fitted that way.

" 4. In judging if such are most likely to know the Lord's mind, w^ho walk the most closely, we should consider, w^hen we judge of the closeness of walk, not only what men's walk is, but what their temptations are ; for one's walk may be much influenced that way, and grace may be more in one in whom it appears not so much," than in others w ho appear to have more, when the one's grace is continually tried with floods of temp- tations plunging on it, and the other's is free.

Observe, ministers for most part are more shaken about the truths of religion, and the foundations, than about their own state; people, more about their state, than about the truths of religion. Ministers are helped to clear people as to what they are straitened about ; and people are, or may be, helpful to ministers in what they

196 MEMOIRS OF THE

are in the dark about. Thus they mutually excel, and are excelled, to humble both, and keep both in their stations."

Tojind duty in doubtful cases.

'' I was much refreshed with somewhat that occurred clearing up a doubt to me, when at a stand which way to choose.

" 1. There is ever a bias to one way or other.

'' 2. Seek to get that removed, and cry that God may bring your heart to an equal willingness to take either or neither way.

" 3. When this is attained to, then use reason, and take the most feasible way; and,

" 4. Cry to him that he may put a stop, if ye be out of the road.

" 5. If the Lord afford light in any other particular way, use it; but mind to seek light soberly, use it ten- derly, and be wary in the application of it."

Of legal preaching.

" I saw the evil of legal preaching, which lies in one of two things, or in both. — 1. In laying too much stress upon the works of the law, our duties, and strength; or, 2. In pressing evangelical doctrines without an eye to that which is the spring of the church's edification, the Spirit of the Lord. Some press to duties, so that they seem to think that their reasonings are able to en- force a compliance ; or, at least, they do not take care to keep up upon themselves and hearers both, a constant sense of the contrary, in order to engage to eagerness in dependence upon the Spirit of the Lord. This is legal preaching. O Lord, thou knowest how much of it is in this poor church ! The gospel's glory is, that it is the

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBDRTON. 197

ministration of the Spirit. The great privilege of be- lievers is, that the Lord manifests himself to them as he does not to the world. When he manifests his autho- rity in the command, it is then powerful. When he manifests his goodness and truth in the promise, it is full of sweetness. When he manifests his wrath in the threatening, it awes the soul. When he manifests his glory in the face of Christ, it is ravishing, reforming, attractinof."

'&•

Atheism the root of sin.

"Two things I shall note. — 1. The Lord gave me a sweet discovery this day in the lecture, of the atheism of the hearts of men in rejecting the word (notwith- standing there are more and more evident prints of God on it than on all his other works of creation), because they cannot get through some difficulties in it ; whereas there are many more difficulties in the works of God. The light whereby this was set home, and illustrated in particular instances, •Nvas sweet. 2. Some days ago, reading Exod. ix. and x., and finding this, ' That ye may know that I am God,' frequently repeated, and elsewhere in places innumerable, as the end of God's manifesting himself in his word and works, I observe from it that atheism is deeply rooted even in the Lord's people, seeing they need to be taught this so much.

" That it is a high attainment in religion to win to know that God is the Lord, and to believe that all sin is resolvable into darkness and unbelief as to this one point, 'that God is the Lord' (Deut. iv. 35); and, consequently, that all sin is reducible to atheism.

" That the great difficulty which the whole of divine revelation grapples with, is atheism ; and that its struggle is to recover man to his first imnressions of a

198 MEMOIRS OF THE

God. This one point comprehends the whole of man's recoyery, as atheism the whole of man's apostasy."

The Lord saw meet to bring him through many sharp trials, and to keep him under much soul- exercise in the vicissitudes of discouraging damps and refreshing re- vivals upon his own spirit; that in his ministerial sta- tion he might, from his own experience, be the more capable of dealing suitably with others, according to their various cases and conditions. He also studied much a close acquaintance with his own state and frame, and was observant of the Lord's gracious dealings with him, as maybe gathered from the following short hints: —

" July 2, 1702. — The Lord about this time giving somewhat of a revival from a long deadness, I think myself concerned to notice the means by which I ob- tained this benefit; and,

*' 1. It was signally promoted by converse with lively Christians: ' As iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharp- eneth the countenance of his. friend.' (Prov. xxvii. 17.)

" 2. By some heavy strokes laid on me, the Lord did chasten me, and, in some measure, ' teach me out of his law.'

" 3. By terrible providences, with respect to the pub- lic, the Lord did awaken me in some measure : ' Awake, sleeper; call on the name of thy God.' (Jonah i. 6.)

" 4. The Lord providentially brought into my hands some papers, containing the exercise of some noted Christians, wherein I saw how far short I was of others, and also not a few of the causes of my sadly withered and decayed case : ' For this shall every godly one pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found.' (Ps. xxxii. 6.)

" 5. By some discovery of the vanity of my sweetest enjoyments: ' Therefore I will go and return unto my first husband ; for then it was better with me than now.' (Hos. ii. 7.)

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 199

" 6. By leading me to some subjects which I choosed for others, wherein my own case was also remarkably touched, the Lord did in some measure awaken me. Thus while, with David, I heard only a parable at first, I was quickly told in the end that I was the man.

" March 11, 1705. — This day I preached on my ordi- nary. I was far out of order. Lord, pity and shine on me! At night I was somewhat refreshed in family worship. In meditation on my case, I saw unbelief to be the root of all my misery, and was broken on account of it. I cried to the Lord for relief against it, and that he might manifest himself to my soul. Lord, hear ! I was much grieved with this, that in a time w^hen so many strange evils abound, there should be such a strange stupidity on my spirit, that I could not mourn for the dishonour done to God. I cried for a spirit of supplication and repentance.

" April 7, 1705. — I was much disordered in body this day, and in little case for any work through indis- position, till towards seven at night, and then T was a little relieved as to bodily disorder, and began to think of preparing for the Sabbath ; and bowing my knees to prayer, I was full of perplexity. The Lord hid himself, my spirit was like to sink ; I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. I got no relief till after I had made some preparation for the work of the Sabbath, and then my spirit was refreshed with that Scripture (Heb. x. 19, 20): ' Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh / which I a little ex- plained in my sermon : hereby I found my mind com- posed; but, ' 0 that it were with me as in months past ! ' "

200 MEMOIRS OF THE

His case for some time.

" April 17, 1705. — I was much disordered in body, till towards night; then I began to muse on the state of matters bet^vixt God and my soul, and finding — 1. A great withdrawing of influences in duty, in secret, and family, and public; 2. Hereon deadness following; and, 3. Hereon a languishing of all grace: and that, 4. Notwithstanding many loud calls to diligence, and to aim at more than ordinary nearness to God; I here- upon resolved in the Lord's strength to inquire into the causes, and cry for light as to them.

" July 5, 170.5. — This morning in prayer, the Lord pointed out farther the evil of a neglect of distinct exer- cise about the guilt of sin. I shall represent the sweet discovery in the following hints : —

" My case was discovered — 1. I felt deadness. 2. Weariness in duty. 3. Aversion following hereon. 4. Deadness of spirit for ordinary."

Causes of present deadness.

"1. As to the guilt of sin, the sense of it impaired. 2. Hereon the discoveries of the want of spiritual strength, which flow from the distinct observation of sins, weakened. 3. Hereon the sense of darkness like- wise impaired. 4. Hereon the trade with Christ for light, forgiveness, and strength, decayed. 5. This trade being the great mean of endearing Christ, and the sweetness of these communications being that "vvhich keeps up liveliness in duty ; all these evils follow on the want of it. Bless, bless the Lord, 0 my soul!"

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 201

Relief.

" July 19, 1705. — This day the Lord shined on me in duty; my heart was much composed, satisfied, and re- freshed, and in some measure made to hope for a revival. Glory, glory, glory to free grace in Christ!

" July 29, 1705. — This day I was much refreshed with a view of the glory of the Lord Jesus in the ordi- nances. My soul was sweetened with a sense of his love, warmed and composed in preaching on Phil. iii. 3."

February 24, 1706. — Being the Lord's-day, and he being to preach, his case he relates thus: " In the morning I was sore shaken about the truths of God, but came to peace as to what I was to speak in three things. Lord, thou hast fully satisfied me as to the utter vanity and unsatisfactoriness of all other courses to satisfaction, as to our great concerns, besides that reveal- ed in the gospel.

" Lord, thou hast fully satisfied me that, supposing the truth of the gospel, there is a plenary and full security as to all that I can desire, with respect to time and eternity in it.

" Lord, thou hast given me that full and rational evi- dence for the truth of the gospel, far beyond what would in other things fully satisfy me; and therefore it must only be the wretched unbelief of my heart that keeps me hesitating liere< I will look for faith to the author of it. Of these three I am so fixed, that no power of temptation has been able to shake me.

" All my doubtings flow from unbelief's power, that will not be suppressed without an overpowering sense of divine authority. I preached, and was helped in public worship, being strengthened in body, and sweetened in spirit."

December 5, 1706. — Meditation on his taking a

202 MEMOIRS OF THE

journey from his own house, before the dawning of the day:—

" What a different case am I in now, from what I was a little while ago ! Then I was in a pleasant habi- tation, surrounded with wife, children, conveniences — in a habitation well illuminated with pleasant light, where- by I saw my enjoyments, discerned the pleasantness of them, and their suitableness. I had necessaries, quiet of mind, and opportunity to retire to my closet, to con- verse with God, wherewith I was refreshed.

" But what a change do I now find ! I am engaged in a journey — my way is dark — I find it cold. Now, when I turn thoughtful, I fear everywhere — fear where no fear is. Now, use and custom turn me secure, and I fear not where there is fear; I see no danger, and begin to conclude there is none.

" Have I not here a view of man's state in innocency, and his state when fallen?

" But what a change do I find! Light begins to appear. Had I never seen it, I should have had no no- tion of it. What a surprise is this! When did it begin? How did it grow? Where were my senses? Did I not look on? and yet I cannot see, and cannot tell how it began, nor whence. ' So is every one that is born of the Spirit.'

" But sure it is, one thing I know, whereas I saw nothing, ' now I see.' I see where I am, what is near about me ; I see where there is hazard, and where there is safety in the way I am in ; but what is at a distance I yet perceive not. The first dawning of saving light is not perceivable in its rise, in its progress, but unques- tionable in its effects, and gives a view of the state I am at present in.

•' But a new scene appears — light groAvs; I see at a distance, but ' men appear as trees;' pleasant trees, delightful fields, men suitable to me, and friends, appear

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 203

as monsters, seen with an imperfect light — my fears are quickened. And is it not so with young converts?

" Light still increases, it grows ; every new degree is inconceivable, and we have no notion of the discovery it makes. What before was dark, was frightful, is now pleasant and agreeable. Imperfect views of the best things give but mis-shapen notions; Hght increasing satisfies as to them: ' Eye hath not seen.' (Isa. Ixiv. 4.)

" Truly light is sweet, even before the sun is seen. Light is great, and is pleasant — makes the way pleasant, and gives pleasant discoveries; but it cannot be without sense told or conceived what satisfactory discoveries, what quickening warmth the noon-day's sun affords." •

Solemn self-examination. •

" January 11, 1708. — In the morning I arose greatly indisposed with a looseness, but somewhat relieved be- fore I went to the church; yet immediately after ser- mons, seized with a vomiting. Lord, teach and lead me to some suitable improvement!

" Queries to be considered as to my private case: —

" 1. Are daily sins, sins of infirmity, searched, ob- served, w^eighed, mourned for?

" 2. Is there care taken to exercise faith distinctly in order to the pardon of them?

" 3. Is peace taken, when not powerfully by the Lord spoken?

*' 4. Does the impression of the necessity and ex- cellency of Christ's blood decay ?

" 5. Are the experiences of its use and efiicacy dis- tinct as before?

" 6. Am I formal in worship, duties secret, private, craving blessing to meat, returning thanks, prayer, me- ditation, and reading, &c.

" 7. Is there due care of educating my family?

204 MEMOIRS OF THE

" 8. Are rods observed, and suitably improven?

" 9. Is there due concern for the flock? and single- ness and diligence in ministerial duties, prayer for the flock, visiting the sick? &c.

" 10. Is there sympathy with afflicted saints and churches ?

"11. Are the sins of the day mourned for?

" 12. Is the voice of the rod heard calling to — (1.) Deniedness to relations, the dearest. (2.) Denied- ness to the world. (3.) To life. (4.) Preparation for death. (5.) Spirituality in duty.

" January, 1709. — 1. In secret I looked up to God, and reviewed the state of my soul for the last year, since January 12, 1T08. These queries have not been, alas ! suitably regarded as they should.

" 2. Another year added, under many new calls to repentance and reformation, is not suitably improven.

" 3. Is not this the design of present indisposition, to rebuke for this?

" 4. Ah! the power of remaining sin and enmity against duty appearing in diverting from secret duties. Indisposition for them, and for spirituality of mind, meditation, self-examination, prayer, reading the word, and liveliness in them.

"5. Is it not a rebuke for failures as to faithfulness in my station, that I am now put to silence ?

"6. Is there not a call, if the Lord spare, to give myself wholly to the duties of my general and particular calling ?

"7. May not this indisposition be a check from pro- secuting scholastic studies, and invitation to apply my- self to a continuation of my experiences?

" Mercies /noticed this last year, "1. Outward. — (1.) Though the Lord has chastised

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 205

sore, yet he lias spared. (2.) When my work did call for it, about my own and others' sacraments, I was strangely strengthened. (3.) The Lord gives some prospect as to an issue of the confusions of my worldly aftairs. And here — Q.] Not all at once; this might tempt me to depend no more, or turn slack. []2.]| Not till the Lord had long exercised with difficulties; this serves to humble and keep sober. []3.]] Lest all this should not do, he holds the rod over my head. 0 the goodness, mercy, and wisdom of God!

" 2. As to my soul's case — (1.) The Lord kept from despondency. Though the distemper I labour under fosters that evil, yet I was kept from solicitousness as to events. (2.) The Lord kept from being altogether secure and unconcerned, and kept up a desire of divine teaching while I was chastened. (3.) I have been kept composed, and in a watching frame, though much under hiding. (4.) He has not altogether ceased to be a reprover. (5.) Sometimes I have had some blinks of his countenance, and hopes as to the issue. (6.) Some evidences of more than ordinary providence about me and my concerns.

" As to my family. — 1 . The Lord has preserved us. 2. God has increased it. 3. God has directed to ser- vants sober and concerned; and however slowly we move, which I desire to lament before the Lord, yet we are desiring to look the same way as to our eternal con- cerns, at least there is none venting anything of a dis- like to either truth or godliness in my family. Blessed be God for these ! Lord, forgive unthankfulness ! Above all, blessed be God for the gospel!

" If the Lord spare me to labour amongst this people, the following truths offered in meditation as most suit- able to my case and theirs: —

"1. In the gospel there is the most sweet, honour- able, profitable, suitable, and in all respects satisfying

206 MEMOIRS OF THE

offer and proposal made — a marriage with the King's Son, &c.

" 2. In the event, the generality of them to whom this is made, even the more sober that are not among the remnant that use the servants despitefully, reject it — will not come, but make excuses.

" 3. An undue regard to things in their own place lawful, is that which gives rise to this ill entertainment among the sober sort of people ; at least, this is that whereby they countenance themselves in that infidelity, Avhich otherwise without blushing they could not con- tinue in : 'I have married a wife — I have bought a yoke of oxen — a field,' &c.

"4. In times of prosperity, or when the church is under no present trial, even the godly may decay and turn secure — fall from first love, and, with the foolish virgins, sleep.

"5. The rise of this evil is to be carefully discovered. . — (1.) Remainders of enmity. (2.) Change of condition, with the want of judgment how to give every duty its o^^'n place and time, so that one may neither jostle out another, nor drive to a careless management — doing this. Avithout leaving the other undone. (3.) The cunning of Satan, enforcing one duty to a neglect of another, as in Christ's temptation.

" This night I got such a view of my guilt, that no- thing could have kept from despondency, but a view of that grace that cannot be measured, but is best con- ceived by that astonishing evidence of -.t (Rom. viii. 32) : ' He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?' In the view whereof I desire to live and die, and spend eternity.

'' At night I was much refreshed in converse about some of these things.

'' Clouds return after the rain. This in time of a

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 207

sore fit of sickness impressed me. Lord, keep from secu- rity; mind, pity! Lord, thou knowest my frame."

His health was much broken for some years before his death, and somewhat of his exercise in sickness may be learned from the following instance: —

" October 12, 1709. — I was seized with a violent flux, attended with painful gripings. In three days' time I was brought to the gates of death ; but it pleased the Lord to bless the means that were used, and it began to abate."

OBSERVATIONS.

" 1. The causes of the Lord's contending were many, all reducible to this one — woful remissness in the tenor of my w^alk, and neglect to stir up myself to take hold of God in the lively spiritual attendance on the Lord in all the ways of his appointment.

" 2. I found myself, on the approach of the trouble, at a great loss. The Lord hid himself — the Spirit breathed not on the promises — all was dark.

" 3. I had a multitude of pressures — my w'orldly business, my wife's condition, being with child. There was no place as to these things, but to roll them over on the Lord. That which oppressed me most was, con- cern about my soul's state. As to this I observe:

" 4. That though I found not that comfortable evi- dence of it that some time I have done, yet I durst not quit this hold, that ' the Lord had made with me an everlasting covenant,' &c. (2 Sam. xxiii. 5.) And though many challenges from all hands surrounded me, I stood resolved to throw myself on free redeeming love, and to venture my surviving wife and children on the Lord's tender mercies.

208 MEMOIRS OF THE

"5. As to my trouble, God kept me — (1.) Submissive, justifying the Lord, without repining at my circum- stances. (2.) He brought me off from solicitude about events in a great measure, and to commit the disposal to the Lord, crying for a removal of any aversion to the Lord's will.

"6. As to my work, though I wanted not heavy chal- lenges, especially as to the want of secret 'wrestling, and that frequency in it for the success of the word among my people, and their salvation; yet it was refreshing rthough I durst not trust in anything but sovereign grace) that I durst say in the sight of God, without heart-condemning — (1.) That I was concerned to know the truth. (2.) That I durst not vent my own conceits. (3.) Nor did I keep back what might be profitable. (4.) I preached what I resolved to venture my own soul on. And that, (5.) I desired to preach home to consciences."

CHAPTER V.

Of his marriage and conduct in his family.

Mr. Halyburton had begun this head in the following words : —

" This being also a considerable change in my lot, and God's providence being to be remarked, as in other things, so in this, whereabout he is particularly concerned, a good wife being from the Lord, who sets the solitary in families, I shall notice some things here : —

" L At the same time the Lord did convince me that it was not meet I should be alone, he also clearly convinced me that 'a prudent vdfe is from the Lord;' and therefore I looked, and cried to, and waited on, the Lord for direction, with that eminent freedom, assistance.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 209

and preparation of heart, as gave me some ground to hope that he would incline his -ear to hear.

"2. My great difficulty was as to the way whereby I might know his mind as to the person whom I w^as to choose and fix upon. The command, ' Be not un- equally yoked' together ' with unbelievers,* in the strictest sense, was powerfully impressed upon my soul, insomuch that no prospect of outward advantages what- soever could have swayed me to make choice of one whom I thought void of the fear of God. But whether, in my choice, to proceed upon the information and testi- mony of godly persons, and concurring providences justifying their testimony, and clearing the way, or whether personal and particular acquaintance were not previously necessary, was my strait.

" 3. I incline to think this last necessary, which did, whatever pretences it was supported withal, proceed from too much of a dependence on my own understanding, and that joined with a distrust of the providence of God; which was the beginning of my mistake.

" 4. The narrowness of my acquaintance, which was confined to a A'ery few of that sex, increased my strait, and had a considerable influence in that wrong choice I made. The person I pitched on wanted not several things which I did dislike; yet she appearing to be more suit- able than any of whom I had acquaintance particularly, and falling: at that time under some unusual concern about religion, which she did impart to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way, and ground to hope the removal of what I disliked in her walk ; upon which I did too hastily proceed in the proposal.

" 5. I durst never absolutely pray for success, but had great freedom and liberty in pleading that the Lord would direct ; and that if it were not for my spiritual advantage, it might be effectually crushed, and that my way might be hedged in."

o

210 MEMOIRS OF THE

Meanwhile, this gentlewoman carried on an intrigue with another, to whom she was clandestinely married, and thereby, in the good providence of God, Mr. Haly- burton was fairly disengaged. And being thus happily disappointed in this, he sought direction of God in reference to a design of marriage with another; and also set apart some time expressly to this purpose. An account whereof follows, as it was found written by himself: —

" December 13, 1700. — This forenoon I set apart for prayer; and being to address God in reference to my

proposal of marriage with J. W , I did judge it

suitable that I should begin the work with some inquiry into my own state, knowing that one unacquainted with Christ has no reason to expect an acceptance in prayer. Therefore, after some serious application to God in prayer for the assistance of his Spirit, to make a true discovery of the state of my soul, I found it as fol- lows : —

*' With respect to God.

" 1. Under a full conviction that *• life is in his favour' (Ps. xxx. 5), nay, his ' loving-kindness is better than life.' (Ps. Ixiii. 3.)

" 2. The like conviction I was under, that any interest in this favour, admittance to, or acceptance with this God, is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator. God being: one that will ' bv no means clear the guilty,' I being guilty; God being holy, I unholy; God ' a consuming fire,' and I one, in respect of sin, meet to be devoured: I cannot 'see God' without a mediator, ' and live."

" 3. That God, out of mere love, without regard to anything in sinners, has been pleased to choose, furnish, and send into the world, the Lord Jesus Christ, as the

LIFE OP REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 211

mediator, through whom sinners might be accepted of him.

*' With respect to Christ.

" Notwithstanding the frequent and lamentable pre- valency of sin against light, against resolutions, vows, engagements, strivings, and prayers, yet I must say, that no alteration of my condition has ever been able to shake from under me a conviction of the following par- ticulars, since the Lord first convinced: —

" 1. That the Lord Jesus Christ is such a Saviour as became the grace, mercy, love, wisdom, holiness, righ- teousness, justice, and power of God to provide ; and on the other hand, such a Saviour as became sinners' needs, their desires; and therefore desers^es their acceptance, as fit, suitable, sufficient to ' save all that come to God through him,' and that even to the uttermost — his ' blood being able to cleanse from all sin,' his power being able ' to subdue all things to himself,' and the Spirit sufficient to ' lead into all truth.' God knows what heart- refreshing sweetness I found in a view of the glory of God's wisdom, holiness, power, &c., in the face of Jesus Christ.

" 2. That I do need him in all his offices. No time, either when things did go ill or better as to my sense, durst I, for my soul, think of parting his offices. God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to his kingly as to his priestly office ; and that it would for ever damp and sink me, were it not that he has a power, whereby he can captivate every thought to the obedience of him- self. His reign, God knows, I desire.

" 3. I dare appeal to the Searcher of hearts, that it is my desire above all things to 'be found in him' (Phil. iii. 9, 10); and never doth sin reduce me to that pass that I dare admit a thought of the insufficiency of

212 MEMOIRS OF THE

tills way of salvation to save me, or of having recourse to any other, or of abandoning this; but the more that sin prevails, the more I see the excellency, sufficiency, suitableness, and indispensable necessity of this way of salvation, and of my adherence to it, rejecting all others. " 4. All my hope as to freedom from that darkness, which is my burden, is from Christ's prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt, pollution, and power of sin, and acceptation with God, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hopes of any mercy in time or eternity, but only through him; it is through him I expect all — from the least drop of water to the immense riches of glory.

" J.S to the Law.

" Notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that —

" 1. I count all his commandments, concerning all things, to be right.

" 2. That I desire inward, universal conformity to them all without reserve, and that in their spiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, w^ords, and actions, and even the most minute circumstances of these.

" 3. That I would not desire any alteration In any of his laws, but, on the contrary, do see the greatest ex- cellency in those of them which cross my inclinations most; which

" 4. Occasions at all times, when not under the im- mediate violent influence and hurry of some impetuous temptation, an habitual and strong desire of conformity to God's law; my heart ever breathing with the psalmist, ' 0 that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes !'

"5. Since the commencement of this affiiir particularly,

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYEUPvTON. 213

I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord, who 'fulfilled all righteous- ness,' doing always the things that pleased the Father, and more particularly in his absolute and unlimited sub- mission to the divine will, even in those things which did cross the natural inclination of his innocent nature. And though at some times I could scarcely reach this submission, in reference to this affair, yet (1.) I would be made submissive; (2.) I look upon it as exceedingly amiable; (3.) I desire it, and condemn myself in as far as I come short of it.

" 6. God knoAvs I desire to ' hate every evil way,' and would be free from every sin.

" As to my frame and success, I can say I thought it issued in calmness and composm-e; and as to this affair, contrary to my positive resolution, I was earned out to be more peremptory than usual as to the success, though under fears of a refusal ; yea, though I had my spirit in a more submissive frame, yet now I was more peremptory as to the event, than when my heart was most eagerly set upon the thing.

"January 17, 1701. — This day w^as set apart by

J. W and me, at parting, to be kept in order to our

obtaining a blessing upon our marriage.

" In the morning I began this day AAdth prayer, wherein I did endeavour to trace back sin to my very infancy, and found the Lord countenancing me, by bringing sin to remembrance. Lord, I have been in all sin; not one of thy commands but I have broken, and that almost in all instances, save that I have been kept from the outward acts: and no thanks to me that it is so ; for. Lord, thou knowest it was only thy restraining grace that kept me from any sin. O, how ignorant are they of their own natures, or else of how far different natures from mine are they, that deny original sin ! It may be, some of them, had they been acquainted yvith.

214 MEMOIRS OF THE

niV way and manner from my youth, would have been apt to think me of a good nature, and not given to ill; but O how ignorant are they who think so ! Though I had not the ensnaring influence of bad company to draw me aside, yet A^ithout temptation I was inclined to sin, and .that against nature's hght, very early. AVhatever others speak of their good natures, Lord, I must own mine sinful, and that all ' the imaginations of the thoughts of my heart' have been ' only evil' from my youth up. When I look at my face in the glass of thy holy law. Lord, how black is it ! — nothing but sin, w^herever I set mine eye !

" The Lord helped me to confess sin, and did thereby give a fresh sight of the need of Christ in all his offices, — of his excellency, sufficiency, and suitableness ; and drew out my soul solemnly to accept of him, renounc- ing all other ways of salvation, devoting myself in my station as a minister to him, waiting for and expecting from him (according to his gracious promise and office as the prince exalted to give gifts to men) such supplies of gifts and grace as are needful for my faithful acquit- tance in the discharge of that office. Likewise, I did solemnly devote myself in this new relation I was to enter in, to him, pleading that he would not contend with either of us for the sins of our single life; that he would make us holy, and grant us to walk before him; and that he would bless us with all the comforts of a married state, fitting us every way for one another.

" In my second address to God by prayer, the Lord gave me much sweetness and enlargement in reference to that particular for which I set apart this day. Blessed be God for his Spirit's directing what to pray for, and assisting in praying! I hope this shall be comfortable; when he prepares the heart to pray, he inclines the ear to hear.

" I looked on it as a part of the duty of the day to

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 215

search into my state; and after serious application to God for his Spirit, that ' searches the deep things of God/ to assist me, I pitched on the following evidences of the Lord's gracious work upon me : —

" First. The Lord has given me, hy his Spirit, some discovery of my sin ; and here the Spirit has been,

" L Particular; he has fixed upon innumerable par- ticular sins of different sorts, fixing mine eye upon time, place, and circumstances.

" 2. He has been very full, letting me see myself guilty of all sin. This day he took me to all the com- mands, and did clearly lay before me innumerable breaches of every one.

" 3. He has discovered to me the sins of all the different periods of my life — infancy, childhood, and youth.

" 4. He has discovered to me spiritual evils — selfish- ness, pride, unbelief, and aversion from God.

" 5. He has given me a broad sight of the sin of my nature, as the root of all these things; an amazing dis- covery of its enmity to God — of its propensity to every sin — of its impotency and aversion to every good thing — of the utter impossibility that ever it should lead me to anything that is really good.

" 6. The Lord has discovered the guilt and hateftd- ness of those sins, so that I have been made to loathe myself on account of them.

" Second. The Lord has discovered to me the vanity of all those reliefs which nature leads to ; and that, first, as to the guilt of sin, he has made me see my duties cannot save me, and I hope he has taken me off from resting upon them ; for,

" 1. Under disquietments occasioned by sin, nothing save Christ could quiet me. Duties have rather increased than allayed it, when looked to.

" 2. The Lord, when I have been most eissisted in

216 MEMOIRS OF THE

duties, took sucli care to guard me against this, that he then always opened mine eyes to see a world of sin m them. And here,

" 3. I have heen made with as much concern to de- sire to he saved from my hest duties, as ever I was from my worst sins. And,

" 4. The Lord, from the discoveries he made to me of my heart's inclining to lay some stress sometimes upon duties when spiritually performed, has stirred up in my soul a jealousy of my heart in this particular.

"5. As to the power of sin, hy manifold sad expe- riences, I fomid it too hard for my prayers, vows, tears, resolutions, &c. ; so often has this been felt, that I have been brought to an utter despair of relief this way.

'' Thirds The Lord has been pleased to determine my heart to choose the way of salvation revealed in the gospel through faith's acceptance of, and resting on, Christ Jesus for wdsdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. This the Lord brought me to approve of—

'*^ 1. As the only way of obtaining these things.

"2. As a way full of admirable wisdom.

" 3. As a way full of wonderful love.

" 4. As a way of great peace and security to sinners.

" 5. As a way suited to give glory to God.

'^ 6. As a way suited to honour Christ.

" 7. As a way suited to honour the Spirit of God.

"8. As a way suited to honom- the law.

" Now, in all these particulars, I thought this way incomparable ; and my approbation of it was evident in that I found —

" (1.) Every day my detestation of all other ways to increase.

" (2.) I found every day the necessity of this way. And,

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 21?

" (3.) I found that the more I looked at it, the more I loved it and admired it, as full of all things that can make it desirable.

" Fourth^ I found in myself an approbation of the law, and holiness of God in it. I am now satisfied that the law is holy, just, good, and spiritual. ' The carnal mind is enmity against God, is not subject to the law of God, neither can be.' But, blessed be God, that enmity I once had at the law of God is removed.

" Evidences of that enmity.

" 1 . I found in my mind a stated dislike at spiritual- mindedness, and at the law's enjoining it.

" 2. I had a complacency in being freed from all at- tendance upon duty.

"' 3. I would fain have had some of God's law altered, &c.

" Evidences of its removal.

" 1. The Lord did remarkably reconcile my heart to those laws which formerly I would gladly have had altered, so that I would not have these by any taken away. And this is the stronger proof, in regard that — (1.) I find those sins deeply rooted in my nature, which these laws do cross. (2.) I have manifold temptations to them. (3.) I have it to regret that I am too often overcome by them.

" 2. When I fear hell and damnation on account of my breaches of the law, yet God knows this never occa- sions such dislike, as fear of offending him. (See E-om. vii. 10-12.)

" 3. I do desire no alteration, no change to be made of the law. God knows I would have my heart brought to it, and not it to my heart.

218 MEMOIRS OF THE

"4. I find a constant shame and self-loathing for short-coming, and want of conformity to it, and that in those instances wherein none save God and my own conscience are witnesses.

"5. I find extraordinary satisfaction when any de- gree of conformity to it is attained.

" 6. The ordinary and serious breathing of my soul is such as that of the psalmist in the 119th psalm throughout.

" Upon these grounds I do conclude that the Lord has wrought faith in me, and therefore will save me, and complete what concerns me; and because he has determined me to choose him, therefore I dare call him my God, my Saviour, my Sanctifier. The Lord did this day help to plead for strength against sin, and my God Avill hear me; I have reason, when I have done all, to say, I have done nothing — I cannot serve the Lord.

" In the beginning of this aifair, in March 1700, I was confident to meet with a disappointment. I was re- solved to quit it, and did so for some time. God by one means or other broke all my projects to turn away. He kept me intent in observing providences. He gave an opportunity, directed to means I had not thought on, and prevented my fears as to those whom I thought most opposite.

" After I had the greatest prospect of encouragement I met with discouragements, and then encouragement when least expected.

" I have been kept off means, kept low as to thoughts of myself, and kept in dependence on God as to the issue. " The thoughts of which things made me with much sweetness promise good at the hand of God."

In prosecution of his purpose, he was married a Edinburgh, January 23, 1701.

As God blessed him with children, it was his constant

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 219

practice to devote them to the Lord. He Avas much in prayer for his family, submitting all his and their con- cerns to the divine disposal as to life, health, &c. But most earnest was he for their souls' eternal welfare; an instance hereof follows : —

" March, 1705. — An account of my exercise, with re- spect to my youngest child's soul's state, a girl of eleven months old, represented in a few remarks : —

"1. When, two years ago, my son died surprisingly in the birth, I was much concerned in desiring some satis- faction as to his eternal state, but obtained no particular promise at that time, save only — (1.) That I was made to bless God that I had no ground to fear the worst, as I might have had if he had been come to age. (2.) I vA'as made to look to the extensive promise of the covenant that is to us and our children. (3.) I had peace in this, that I had devoted him to the Lord as soon as I found him to live in the Avomb.

" 2. When this child fell into a languishing sickness, and death began evidently to be threatened, I was put to more close exercise about her eternal state.

" 3. I was sometimes much enlarged on her behalf, but was unwilling to rest here, but humbly desired that the Lord Avould give me some ground from the word to hope as to her.

" 4. That I might not be wanting in the use of the means of the Lord's appointment, I consulted books, and the experience of such of the Lord's people as I had access to, to see what I might expect, but found no satisfaction; yet I resolved to wait on the Lord, and cried to him.

" 5. When I cried to him, I found for a considerable time no answer, but heavy challenges — (1.) For not ob- serving returns by the word, as I should have done. (2.) For not seeking more this way, and resting too easily Avithout this. (3.) For not studying the word so much

220 MEMOIRS OF THE

as I sliould. Thus the Lord dealt with me as "vvith Israel. (Judg. vi, 7-10.) When they cried, before he sent deliverance, he sent a reproof.

" 6. The Lord, further to humble me, trjsted me with several afflictions — my wife's frailty and my oaati.

"7. When I was in this distress, I cried to the Lord, and in prayer he relieved me by that passage (Mark x. 13-16): "Suffer little children to come mito me;" as to which I remark — (1.) While I was in prayer crying for mercy to the child, it was then suggested; and, (2.) The Lord let me see in it, that it was the parents who brought their children to Christ, desirous of his blessing of them. (3.) The disciples Avere against Christ's taking notice of them, or putting any particular mark of re- spect on them. (4.) But Christ rebuked them, and said, " Suff^er little children to come to me, and forbid them not." Though the disciples would not have us to expect any evidence of the Lord's special love to young ones, yet the Lord is of another mind. (5.) The Lord approved of the parents bringing, and blessed the children. (6.) Here the Lord enlarged me, helped me to rely on him, that he would put his hand on the child and bless her, and hereby quieted my soul, and filled me with thank- fulness; and I was relieved as to the child that is gone, and this that is dying. Bless, bless, bless, the Lord, O my soul! he prepares the heart to pray, and he will incline the ear to hear. Remember the word on which thou causedst me to hope."

The child died : April 11. *' Blessed be God, I have had a child to give at his call ; and blessed be the Lord that he helped to give her mllingly."

Another instance at the death of his son George, March 23, 1712. — " The Lord's-day, a day to be remem- bered by me, a day wholly spent in prayer and praise, an introduction to eternal life : 0 my soul, never forget what this day I felt, I reached. My soul had smiles

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 221

that almost wasted nature. My kind colleague and I prayed alternately: O such a sweet day! About half an hour after the Sabbath, my child, after a sharp conflict bet^\axt nature and the disease, slept pleasantly in Jesus, to whom pleasantly he was often given.

" Mercies and grounds of hope.

" 1 . The Lord from the beginning fixed the eye on him- self, and kept me submissive and dependent as to the child.

"2. In the entry, the Lord brought the disease plea- santly on ; gave him astonishing patience, when for several days and nights he slept none.

" 3. The Lord gave warning by this, that though the child, I doubt, scarcely knew his mother's name or mine before, but named us always and only Father and Mother — in his sickness, when asked who we were, he answered, Thomas Halyburton and Janet Watson. Here the relation was disowned, which struck me at the first; and I thought the relation was loosed. His mo- ther one day asked him, why he called her so? but he returned no answer,

" 4. I asked him some days after he took it, 'George, would you be well and live, or die and go to heaven V I expected a child's answer; but he readily, and more readily than was consistent Avith his usual way of speak- ing, said, ' I will go to heaven.' I had herein some check for not being serious enough in the question; and his death I expected.

"5.1 had all this winter been extraordinarily helped in crying for mercy to the children; and any blinks I had, and loosing of my bonds, was, when I did point prayer this way. Often got I freedom to throw them on sovereign grace, often to speak to them directly from the word at night, and never more than about a month before this, from Jacob's last words: I thought, now

222 MEMOIRS OF THE

God was to take a trial in the tenderest point, •vvliether I would stand to it, and hold by the often repeated re- signation.

" 6. I could not find freedom in seeking the child's life, but much in crying for mercy to him, and a token for good.

" 7. When he first fell ill, the burden was great on ray spirit, till that night after my kind colleague and I had communed with much weight about the present state of the church and of religion in this place. Con- cern for the Lord''s interest got far the ascendent in my heart, and my own dearest concerns sunk ; and from that time the Lord scattered clouds, and comforted me as to my present weighty concern for the child ; and that — (1.) In giving me enlargement to bless him that I had no positive grounds to call in question his state. Again, (2.) The Lord gave me to lay stress on his com- mand of bringing little ones to him ; nay, he caused me to hope on that word, and on the reach of the promise to children. (3.) The nearer to his end, the more loosed I was from him ; the more cheerful my resigna- tion, submission, and humble confidence, refreshing, purifying, and quickening my spirit. (4.) The Lord led both me and others to express confidence, we would not avoid it. My kind colleague and I spent the whole day in prayer with and for him ; and he in his turn, praying just when the child was dying, even could not hold short of this : ' We desire to believe — we hope — nay, we are confident, he is entering into glory.' (5.) Whereas he had been free of the fighting and raving for forty-eight hours before his death, he came to have some little struggles at last, though without contortions : I was put to cry for pity as to this, and that as a token for good ; and was heard. (6.) That same grace that pre- pared the heart to pray, inclined the ear to hear, kept the soul cheerfully to resignation, and not only com-

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 223

posed but sweetened our spirits; so that before his death, prayers were well-nigh made up of praises, and he was set off with thanksgiving."

CHAPTER VI.

Of his entering upon the profession of divinity.

The place of professor of divinity in the new college, in the university of St. Andrews, being vacant, a pro- posal was once and again made to Mr. Halyburton of procuring him a patent for that post ; but he gave no encouragement to it, resolving to be no way the disposer of his own lot. And in December 1709, being ad- vertised that her majesty's patent was granted in his favour, he said : " Lord, crush it, if it is not for thy glory. Herein I have peace, that I had no hand m it.

The queen's patent being expeded, the college there- upon applied unto the presbytery of Cupar for getting Mr. Halyburton loosed from his pastoral relation to the parish of Ceres, in order to his being settled professor of divinity in St. Andrews ; but that reverend judicatory did, in February 1710, refer the affair to the provincial synod of Fife, which was to meet in St. Andrews in April thereafter ; and the matter being gravely debated before the synod, and the people of Ceres fully heard in what they had to say, the desire of the college upon her majesty's patent was granted without a contradictory vote.

Upon the whole Mr. Halyburton had the following reflections : —

" As to this affair it seems to be of the Lord ; for,

224 MEMOIRS OF THE

" 1. The first rise of it was Avdthout anything so much as a thought in me.

" 2. The Lord crossed all other attempts, and disap- pointed other prospects which they had to others.

" 3. The Lord kept my spirit, and held me so by the hand that I durst give no insinuation or encouragement that way.

"4. The desires of many that feared the Lord ran this way.

" 5. The Lord laid his hand on me, and therein seemed to say I was not likely to be able for the work in the present large congregation.

" 6. As the Lord began it without me, so he did carry it on over obstructions remarkably enough.

" 7. I had no reason to doubt the singleness of any concerned, and who acted in it.

" 8. When I began to compare the tract of the Lord's dealing with me, and the course of my studies, I could not deny that there might be something in it.

" 9. My people, whenever the matter appeared, be- gan to faint.

"10. Their consciences were affected with the pre- ponderating evidence of the reasons, as was mine, though inclination lay cross.

" 11. The Lord condescended to bring the matter to a decision of the most competent judicatory.

" 12. The Lord condescended to clear me as to sub- mission.— (1.) By that which I resolved, after seriously eyeing the Lord, viz., that since there was a present harmony betwixt me and the congi'egation, I should go as far as they inclined. (2.) This being proposed in a full meeting (viz., of the elders), they all unanimously declared they designed to acquiesce in the sentence of the s}Tiod. (3.) It was my desire to the Lord, that there might be some evidence of the Lord attending the determination ; and I dare not deny but that even be

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 225

yond expectation, to the conviction of all my own people, there was — [[1.]] Evidently a great weight on the spirits of the members about light. [|2.]] The Lord was remarkably with Mr. Hog, who prayed before the vote. [3.] When I retired, I cried to the Lord, that if the matter w^as not for his glory, he might put a remarkable stop to it ; if it was, that he might carry it on in a way that might give evidence of himself. []4.|] The synod inverted the course of the rolls, casting St. Andrews and Cupar last, that the two presbyteries that were not in- terested might be first. Q5.]] There was not one con- tradictory vote ; only the presbytery of Cupar forbore to vote, because they could not vote against the trans- portation, and would not irritate the parish. (^6.3 When all this was intimated, it was done with a con- vincing light by Mr. Grierson, the moderator j!?ro tem- pore. The will of the Lord be done. I had peace and composure in my own mind, the Lord condescending even beyond expectation. Now, Lord, fit for what thou dost evidently call to ! "

Upon April 26, 1710, he was by the principal of the new college admitted professor of divinity there ; and delivered his inaugural discourse in confutation of an atheistical pamphlet, entitled " Epistola Archimedis ad Regera Gelonem."

Being admitted professor, he enjoyed not much sound health in the exercise of that office ; for in the beginning of April 1711, he was suddenly seized with a dangerous pleurisy, which obliged his physicians to take from him a vast quantity of blood ; and though he was relieved of that disease, yet he never fully recovered his former strength, by reason of the indisposition of his stomach and frequent vomiting, which prevented the regular supply of blood for the nourishment of his body. Hereupon ensued in the following winter a coldness, s^velling, and stilfiiess in his legs, with frequent and ex-

p

226 MEMOIRS OF THE

cessively painful cramps. But besides his bodily indis- position, the grievances of the church of Scotland did not a little add to his trouble. His spirit was much pressed down with the melancholy news of the tolera- tion, and restoring the power of presentations unto patrons ; and no less with the imposing of the oath of abjuration upon ministers, from the apprehensions he had of the sad effects that might follow upon their different sentiments about the lawfulness of that oath. He freely declared his o\^ti opinion in the meeting of the synod at St. Andrews, April 1712. And in con- ferences of the presbytery upon that matter, he advised that ministers, after all due means of information, should act according to their light. But what he especially endeavoured to inculcate, as he had access, was, that the difference among them about the meaning of an ex- pression in that oath gave no just ground for any alienation of affection, or for division and separation, either among ministers or people.

AN ACCOUNT OF SOME OF THE LAST WORDS OF THE REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON, PROFESSOR OF DIVINITY IN

ST. ANDREWS, ON HIS DEATH-BED, SEPTEMBER ,

1712.

"Wednesday, September 17, when a friend came and asked him in the morning how he had rested the by- gone night? he answered, "Not well;" and told he had this night been sore tossed with the thoughts of eternity; "but," said he, " I dare not say they were dis- tracting. My evidences are much clouded indeed. I have been thinking on terribilia Dei,* and all that is difficult in death to a saint. All my enemies have been

* The terrible things of God.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 227

round about me. I have had a great conflict, and faith like to fail. O that I may be kept now in this last trial that is ensuing from being an offence to his people ! "

Afternoon, when some of his brethren came in to visit him, he said to them, " I am but young, and have little experience; but this death-bed now makes me old; and therefore I use the freedom to exhort you to faithfulness in the Lord's work. Ye will never repent this. He is a good master; I have always found him so; if I had a thousand lives, I would think them all too little to em- ploy in his service."

All this whole day, and some days preceding, he was under a cloud and desertion.

September 18. — When a friend returned to ask him how he was in the morning, he broke silence with these words, " 0 what a terrible conflict had I yesterday! But now I can say, ' I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith.' Now he has filled my mouth with a new song, * Jehovah-jireh — In the mount of the Lord.' Praise, praise is comely for the upright. Shortly I shall get another sight of God than ever I had, and be more meet to praise him than ever. O the thoughts of an incarnate God are sweet and ravishing! And 0 how do I wonder at myself, that I do not love him more — that I do not admire him more ! O that I could honour him! What a wonder that I enjoy such composure under all my bodily trouble, and in view of approach- ing death ! O what a mercy that I have the use of my reason till I have declared his goodness to me ! "

To his \^dfe, he said, " He came to me in the third watch of the night, walking upon the waters ; and he said to me, ' I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end; I was dead and am alive, and live for ever- more; and have the keys of hell and death:'" and added, " He stilled the tempest, and O there is a sweet calm in my soul!"

228 MEMOIRS OF THE

Thereafter, wlien desired to be tender of his health, he said, " I will strive to last as long as I can, and I will get my rest ere it be long. I have no more to do with my time, but to teap it out * for the glory of God."

Then he said, " I will see my Redeemer stand on the earth at the last day ; but I hope to see him before that, the Lamb in the midst of the throne: O it will be a bonny t company, the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus the mediator of the covenant ! O for grace, grace, to be patient to the end." Then he desired a minister to pray.

After prayer, he called for a little water to wash his eyes, and said, " I hope to get them washen, and made like dove's eyes; and then, farewell sin, farewell sorrow.*

In a little, when taking some refreshment, he said, " Ye see I am eating heartily here. I get sleep from him, and I get food and drink from him: I will get himself. My heart and my flesh fails: but God is tlie strength of my heart, and my portion for ever; but we have need of patience."

When one said, " Keep the light of the Avindow from him, it may hurt his eyes;" he said, " Truly light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is to behold the sun, the Sun of Righteousness. 0 brave light, where the Lamb is the light of that temple! We cannot have a conception of it now. ' Eye has not seen, nor ear heard.' "

Seeing his youngest child, he caused bring her to him, and said, " Mady, my dear, the Lord bless you ; the God of your father and of my fother bless you : the God that fed me all my life, the Angel that redeem- ed me from all e^'il, bless you, and the rest, and be your portion. That is a goodly heritage, better than if I had crowns and sceptres to leave you. My child, I got you from him, and I give you to him again."

To his wife he said, " My dear, encourage yourself

* Spend it thriftily and piece-meal. f Beautiful,

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS IIALYBURTON. 22.0

in the Lord ; he will keep you, though you even come among enemies' hands : surely he will cause the enemy to treat you well." And then declaring his willingness to part with dearest relations, he said, " This is the prac- tice of religion, sirs; this is a practical part of religion, to make use of it when we come to the pinch. This is a lesson of practical divinity."

AVhen the physician came in, he said, " Is my pulse weak, doctor?" Ans. " Yes; hut I have seen it as weak." Then he said, " Doctor, as to this piece of work, you are near an end with it. I wish you may lay it to heart — it will come to your door too : and it is a husi- ness of gi'eat moment to die like a Christian; and it is a rarity. Christ himself has told us, that ' there are but few that shall be saved,' even among them who are called outwardly. I wish the Lord himself may show you kindness. The greatest kindness I am now capable of showing you, is to commend serious religion to you. There is a reality in religion, doctor; this is an age that has lost the sense of it. He has not said to the house of Jacob, ' Seek ye my face in vain.' Atheists will see one day whether it be so or not.

" I bless God, I was educated by godly parents in the principles of the church of Scotland: I bless him, that when I came to riper years, I did on mature delibera- tion make them my choice : I bless the Lord, I have been helped ever since to adhere to them without waver- ing: I bless him, I have seen that holiness yields peace and comfort in prosperity and adversity. What should I seek more, or desire more to give evidence of the reality of it? Therefore, ' I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ; because it is the power of God to salvation to every one that belie veth.' I am so far from altering my thoughts of religion by reason of the present contempt thrown on it, and opposition made to jtj that this endears it the more to me.

230 MEMOIRS OF THE

" As to the simplicity of gospel ^> orship, many must have gaudy pomp now-a-days in worship; it is an evi- dence of the decay of religion ; for when folk want the power and spirituality of it, they must have something to please the carnal heart. This is my sense of it ; and it is the words of truth and soberness; and I speak as being shortly to appear in judgment, and hope to give an account of this with joy, as a part of the testimony of Jesus.

" Well, doctor, the Lord be mth you, and persuade you to be in earnest. I return you thanks for your diligence. Is my pulse low?" Ans. '''■Yes." He replied, " I am very well pleased. I would have been content to have been away long ere now. I found my spirits failing. It is but a few strokes more, and victory, vic- tory for evermore, through the Captain of salvation ! "

After a pause, he said, " Every one that is in Cl?rist Jesus must be a new creature; he must have union with Christ, and a new nature. That is the ground- work of religion. The Christian religion is little under- stood by the most part of us.

" O the gospel of Christ ! how purely was it preached in this place when I was at the university! Though I Ibund not the sweetness in the time, when I heard others preach on these subjects, I found it since ; and it has fallen on me like showers on the mo^"nl gi'ass. A^erily, there is a reality in religion. Few have the lively impressions of it.

" Now get acquaintance with God. The little ac- quaintance I have had with God within these two days has been better than ten thousand times the pains I have all my life been at about religion. It is good to have him to go to, when we are turning our face to the wall. He is knoAvn for a refuge in the palaces of Zion, a very present help in trouble.

*' 0 there is a strange hardness in the heart of man !

LIFE OP REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 231

I believe there are few men come to age but, when they see others dying, have a conviction that they must die, and yet are not duly affected with it. It is like one rising from the dead, what they meet with. But they have Moses and the prophets; if they will not hear them, neither would they hear though one should rise from the dead. We must have an ear from God before we can hear. * Ye hear not my words,' says Christ, ' because ye are not of God.' However, whether folk will hear or whether they will forbear, it is our duty, whom the Lord has employed to preach his gospel, to speak his word: and when we are dead and rotten, what we speak of his word in the name of the Lord, it will take hold of them.

" We must have patience to wait till he come. Yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry; and till he come, the just shall live by faith : ' But if any man draw back,' says the Lord, ' my soul shall have no pleasure in him.' To point once heaven- ward, and then draw back, is a dangerous thing.

" We are foolish creatures ; we would have all the trial at our disposal, and limit the Lord as to the cir- cumstances of our trial. Why should I complain of a little trouble in lying on the bed? Blessed be God, there is an everlasting rest; yea, Christ has perfumed a bed of languishing and a grave — he has unstinged death."

To some at another time he said, " Enemies in this place will be insulting over me, but I am not afraid of that; but that which fills me mth fears is a misimproven gospel in St. Andrews. St. Andrews has sinned against as clear gospel light as ever shone in the isle of Britain. I remember when I Avas at the college, 0 how much of God was there in the preached gospel! I had my part in the misimprovement of it."

Afterwards to his children he said, " My bairns, I

232 MEMOIRS OF THE

have notliing to say to you, but be seekers of God — fulfil my joy. Ah ! that I was so long a- beginning to seek God; and yet I was touched with convictions that God was seeking me ere I arrived at the years of some of you."

To his eldest child he said, " Ay, Margaret, you seem sometimes to have convictions. Beware of them, they are the most dangerous things that ever you med- dled with; for if you seek not God, each of them is God's messenger; and if you despise God's messenger, he will be avenged on you. My bird, seek the Lord, and be your mother s comfort."

In the forenoon, to a gentlewoman he said, " Madam, I wait for the supplies of the Spirit of the Lord Jesus. whereby I may be able to ' finish my course with joy,' I began a text at Ceres (being his farewell sermon, and smiling, said), I sticked it. I went not through with it. "When I came to St. Andrews, I began where I left at Ceres, ' I go bound to Jerusalem,' &c. (Acts xx. 22, 23.) The point I passed was, ' Ministers may have a clear call to work in a place, even where they have the certain prospect of difficulties and winnowing trials;* which I discoursed here. I was very clear of God's calling me hither, come of it what will, whether I signify anything or not. What would befall me I did not know; I had a very dark prospect, especially from this place, that had so much despised gospel light ; and that when he was taking away his servants here, it made me tremble to think that wrath was coming, and that I could do nothing to hold it off; I can signify nothing. The Lord help ! I wish for Jerusalem's peace and joy.

" I have nothing to do with my life, but yet to teap it, that I may lay it out for my God, and good my common. What had I been, if the grace of God had not been revealed in the gospel! He has ' brought life und immortality to light.'" One said, " Keep your gripes

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 233

to the last; Satan is busy." He answered, " I have had trial of it already. O ! sober, sober religion is ne- cessary. I was often stealing from the Lord ; but blessed be his name, he made me lay it down again with shame, and to cry, ' Not I.' I was aye afraid in public on that account."

He caused read one of Mr. Rutherford's Letters (viz., to Mr. John Mein — 139th letter), and thereafter said, " That is a book I would commend to you all; there is more practical religion in that letter than in a book of large volume."

To a minister that came in, he said, " I am lying waiting for the salvation of God;" who said, "Mind what I spoke to you anent Mr. Anderson ; how gracious the Lord had been to him, taking him away before these heart-breaking providences that have fallen out since." He replied, " I know there is a better end of it; the cause that is do^^Ti will not bide down; I said it, I will stand to it, I will venture my soul on it: say to Zion, ' Thy God reigneth.' Kings and ministers of state, that build their state on the ruins of Zion, they and their buildings shall be ruined and perish, and their memorial with them." One said, " If the Lord would spare you, it would be a mercy to the place ; the apostle says, ' To abide in the flesh,' " &c. (Phil. i. 23, 24.) He answered, " What can a poor wretch signify? I will tell you, brother, what I have thought year and day. I am no prophet; I pretend to know nothing but what the word of God leads to. My thoughts of the taking off the servants of God at this time are, I fear it is coming to that, that there is no stop to be put to the ovei-flowing scourge; there is like to be a general overflowing consumption, running over not only this, but all the reformed churches. Sovereignty I will not limit."

Afterward one was showing the difficulty we should

234 MEMOIRS OP THE

have, while in the body, with indwelling corruption. He answered, " I often find it, but the Lord has relieved me : I found this same night, even after the Lord gave relief, I found indwelling sin showing a great deal of strength." One said, " Ye know, while you are in the body, that vnW not be quite taken away — a perfect se- paration from it we are not to expect here.'* He added, " This we know, ' that when He shall appear, we shall be like him.' This has been made a sweet word to me the last night."

After a little interruption, he said, " In the day when I was in my distress, and brought to the foot of Mount Sinai, the mount that might be touched [[it was a sen- sible thing, but by divine appointment it might not be touched]], and when I came to the blackness and darkness, and heard the crashing of thunder, I was standing trembling, wishing I had never been. While I was waiting for my sentence, he brought me to Mount Zion, and to the blood of sprinkling. That view gave my mind rest."

To the apothecary he said, " The Lord is upholding me. The Lord show you mercy; study religion in the beginning of your years; mind, if you come to be handled as I am, without it you can have no comfort. I give you this as a solemn warning : if you come to be hardened by the frequent sights of persons in my cir- cumstances, you may come to be hardened for ever, and your conscience never be sensible more."

To three ministers in the place he said, " My dear brethren, ye are all there that are in the town, except my dear colleague, and I have sent for him. Dear brethren, it is not from any confidence in myself, but out of a sincere love to you, and from what I myself have felt, that for your encouragement I presume to say, when the Lord helped to diligence in studying and meditating, I found him then remarkably shining upon

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 2o5

me, and testifying his approbation of a sincere mint.* There is nothing to be had with a slack hand,"

Then to one of them lately entered into the ministry he said, " Your entry into the ministry is like to fall in an evil day : there is one thing for yom- encouragement — you have a call. The times will make hard work to you in this place ; but that which makes your work the harder is, this people's being hardened under a long tract of pure gospel ordinances. However, be faithful, and God will strengthen to his own work. I will not say, ye will get things brought to what you would have ; but I tell you, I have one thought, and I abide by it: if ministers ply their work, they cannot, it is true, bring persons to the Lord, but they may make their con- sciences, nill they will they, speak for the Lord."

Then continuing his discourse to the ministers, he said, " Now, brethren, give diligence ; for the Lord's sake ply your work ; hold fast what you have. I must have a word to my brethren — it is on my heart. I am young, but I am near the end of my life, and that makes me old. It becomes me to take advice from you. How- ever, it is only to exhort to diligence in the common salvation. I repent I did not more; but I have peace in it, that what I did I did it in sincerity. He accepts of the mite. It was the delight of my heart to preach the gospel, and it made me sometimes neglect a frail body. I ever thought, if I could contribute to the sav- ing of a soul, it would be a star, a croAvn, and a glorious crown. I know this was the thing: I aimed at. I de- sired to decrease, that the Bridegroom might increase, and to be nothing, that he might be all; and I rejoice in his highness." When one said. So great attainments might be comfortable to him now, he replied, " I lay no stress thereon; the thing I rejoice in is, that his grace enabled me to this. Well, brethren, this is encouragement to you

* Attempt.

236 MEMOIRS OF THE

to try and go farther. Alas ! I have gone no length ; hut I would fain have gone farther. ' The hand of the diligent maketh rich.' Much study, much prayer, temptations also, and distinct outgates from temptations, are useful helps. I was fond enough of books, but I must say, in the course of my ministry, what the Lord let me see of my ill heart, and what Avas necessary against it, was more steadable to me than all my books." One said. That was to believe, and therefore to speak. He replied: "The Lord help me to honour him; I desire no more but to honour him here and hereafter. O that I had the tongues of men and angels to praise him ! I hope, I hope in a little to get wdll to answer duty, and skill and ability to answer will. O to be helped so, and to fear always !" One said, " Blest is he that fears always, and even under manifestations and discoveries of God; ' he that stands let him take heed lest he fall.' " He said : " Sobriety, sobriety ! I would fall in a little if he withdraw; but do not stumble, sirs; though I should be shaken, the foundation stands sure."

When advised to lie quiet a little, he said, " Whereon should a man bestow his last breath, but in commend- ing the Lord Jesus Christ, God clothed in our nature, dying for our sins ? ' It pleased the Lord to bruise him.' " One said, " The Lord hath said, ' I will have mercy, and not sacrifice ;' " and pressed him to be tender of his body. He answered, " O but my heart is full !" and then desiring a minister to pray, he said, " Pray that God may have pity on a weak thing that is not able to bear much in the conflict."

After prayer, when the ministers were retiring, he said, " Well, brethren, mind me. I desire to be thank- ful for what I have. I do not desire to want you ong.

Thereafter to a minister's wife he said, " I recom- mend to you the fear of the Lord ; I know you have

LIFE OP REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 237

a husband to direct you; I know you are the seed of the ricrhteous: but neither of these will avail. Make it your business to grow in practical acquaintance with him, and encourage yourself in the Lord. I fear the time is coming that it shall be said, ' Blessed are the breasts that gave no suck, and the womb that never bare.' I fear heavy trials are hastening on."

To two ministers who came from the country to visit him, he said, " Brethren, I will only say this — We have need to take care, with the great apostle, ' lest when we preach Christ to others, we be castaways;' if it be so, we have need to fear. Happy is the man that fears always. Be diligent in preaching the gospel. I presume, in this case I am in, to suggest this advice, that it may not only be your care to be diligent in composing sermons, but above all, scan your own hearts, and make use of what discoveries you get there, to enable you to dive into consciences, to awaken hypocrites, and to separate the precious from the vile; and to do it with that ac- curacy and caution, as not to make sad the hearts of those God has made glad. That is the great point in religion, and in the management of your ministry, that you may obtain the testimony of the great Shepherd, Avhen he shall appear. Now it is likely I may not be far from the conclusion of my work. As to the work of the ministry, it was my deliberate choice; were my days lengthened out much more, and days as troublesome as they are like to be, I would rather be a contemned minister of God than the greatest prince on earth. I preached the gospel of Christ with pleasure, and I loved it; for my own soul's salvation was upon it ; and since I lay down, I have not changed thoughts about it. I commend it to you all, to make it your business to double your diligence. There may be hard conflicts. You have a prospect of difficulties between you and the grave. We are all good untried; but we have need to

238 MEMoirts OP the

have on tlie "whole armour of God — to watch and be sober."

One of them said, " I would gladly hear the professor's mind of the oath." He answered, '* As to the matter of the oath, ' Let every one be fully persuaded in hi^ o"\vn mind.' As those who are clear should guard against every thing that may endanger the peace of this church, so likewise others who are not clear cannot get over difficulties, and cannot in conscience and duty comply — they are bound in conscience not only to abstain from separating, but laboriously to convince their people that it strikes at the root of church communion. If ministers go on in separating courses, the result of it will be, people will be taken up v»'itli the public and forget private religion. Whoever they are that do so, they will have an accession to this. We shall have people running about seeking to have their ears gratified, that love not the power of godliness: we will get a public religion in the room of real godliness. I love their persons that differ from me, and I value what I see of God in them ; but I am to call no man master but Christ.

" With respect to the difference that is likely to ensue among ministers, with the greatest earnestness I say. My dear brethren in the Lord Jesus, if difference fall in, difference is a hot thing. There must be condescen- dence, forbearance, and tenderness; we must not fly at the ball. Whatever apprehensions I have of the con- sequence of some ministers not acting conscientiously, and running preaching in such a strain as may do hurt, yet I would speak tenderly, and act tenderly toward them ; and let there be much of the forbearance and meekness that is in Jesus. Follow peace. Peace is worth much. Wounding our Church among her enemies is sad. I would not have a hand in wounding the church of Scotland for a world : woimding her at this day is a

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBFRTON. 23^

stabbing her under the fifth rib. These things are oppressive to me now upon the view of eternity; for ' let my right hand forget her cunning, if I prefer not Jerusalem to my chiefest joy.' For my brethren, for her peace and constitution, I will pray. The great evil this day that is like to be our bane, nay, ruin and undoing, is, that there is a coldness and indifference that has crept on ; an untenderness in the course of our walk, that gives a great advantage to our enemies. We do not maintain . the testimony of God in a humble, tender way, in such a day as this, when many are running from God. It seems to be a principle now with many, how far they may go and not be ruined — that is to go to the brink of destruction ; but the Christian rule is, to stand at a dis- tance. Now, the Lord help you. Pray that I may be helped to honour God in life and death ; there is much reason to bless him. O to bear it out and stand the trial thankfully ! 0 what ground of thankfulness have I !"

To his successor in the parish he was transported from he said, " I have this to say, as to my congregation — That people were my choice ; with much peace and plea- sure I preached as I could, though not as I should, the gospel of Jesus Christ : though in all things I own my- self to have sinned exceedingly before the Lord, yet I have peace that I aimed with concern at leading them to the Lord Jesus; and ' another foundation can no man lay:' I hope you will build on that same founda- tion; and as you will in that way save your own soul, so it is the way to save them that hear you. From experience I can say, that the pursuing this sincerely is the way to salvation. Signify to them that, if it please the Lord to take me away, I die rejoicing in the faith and profession of what I often preached to them, under a low state of body; and without this, I could have no relief. I would have my folk understand, ' that

240 MEMOIRS OF THE

that gQspel which I recommended to them, if it is not received, will be a witness against them.' " His successor said, " I am persuaded you have seals to your ministry in that parish." lie answered, " We are like our Mas- ter— set for the fall and rising again of many. Though we can reach no more, if we are faithful, they shall know ' that a prophet has been among them.'"

To one that came in to him, he said, " Learn to die. It is rare to die as a Christian. The most part think there is no more to do but to lay down their heads and die. This is even as one would cover his face and leap over a rock into the sea."

To a gentleman he said, " I may cry, Shame on me, and woe is me, that began not sooner, and ran not faster; for the Lord's way is as silver tried. We should never, in matters of eternal moment, choose a way that we will rue of again. I will not detain you; you will have your uncle — he will be a good friend to you. Follow his advice, and such persons as he. Follow their example. In a word, follow the example of Jesus Christ, and be conversant with the word. Be careful not only in read- ing the word — you may soon tire of that ; but cry for the Spirit of the Lord to quicken it, and then ye will be with it as the child that cannot live without the breasts. Be diligent in attending the ordinances. The Lord bless you. As for me, for anything I see, I am dying: but I die, I bless his name, in the way that I have hitherto chosen deliberately, and I have no ground to complain. Commend me to all friends. Carry this commission along : what I say to one, I say to all. Seek the Lord; and all I have to seek is, that I may stand to it."

To a private Christian he said, " Seek the Lord, and be real in religion ; content not yourself with the form of it; a mere profession will not do the turn. This will be but the shell without the kernel; but they that are

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 241

sincere shall inherit the crown. Let not the scorn and contempt cast on religion cause you give up with it. It is not in vain to seek the Lord; you have found it. The Scriptures of truth are a contemned book by men; but they are ' able to make you wise to salvation.' Be- ware of casting out with them, and throwing them by as an useless book ; but converse with them, and ye will find your account in them. All the books of the world could not have been in that stead that since yesterday they have been to me. Choose good company; beware of ill company — hold at a distance from it. Seek that God may guide you into religious company, and im- prove it — folk by whom ye may learn something, and that without learning anything that may be hurtful. Ye have a sad set of gentry round about here; take heed ye be not drawn off your feet. This is a friend's advice ; it is meet for me in my circumstances especially to give, and meet for you to receive."

After a little stop, he said, " I will only tell you one difference there is this day between my case and the case of many in the world. The course I have followed weakly has been at least to join with them that are on God's side. Now it is come to a push, and I have peace. I always wished to have God for my God, and the * herita2:e of his chosen.' But thev that walk contrary to God, and forsake him, I have seen them frequently, when they were come to a pinch, cry then, ' 0 shame upon the way I have been in!'"

In the night-time to some present he said, " Do ye observe this growing weakness of my eyes ?" Ans. " No." He replied, " Yea, but I know it is so ; now, that is a prognostic of a change. If He shut eyes, he will open eyes — eyes no more to behold vanity: but I shall behold him in righteousness, and '- when I aw^ake I shall be satisfied with his likeness.'"

Thereafter he said, " If this be the day of the ending

242 MEMOIRS OF THE

of my conflict, I would desire even humbly to seek of the Lord that he would condescend to be tender to one that loves his appearance ; that as he has dealt wonder- fully and condescendingly with me, so he may even deal tenderly to the end, in loosing the pins of my tabernacle, and that I may be helped to honour God by a com- posed resignation into his hand. O, religion, and the glory of it in this degenerate age, has been much on my heart! and He has said, ' Them that honour me, I will honour.' I was willing through his grace to have borne reproach ; if my adversary had written a book, I would have taken and bound it as a glory."

Finding some sweat on his face, he said, " I fancy that is an indication of a greater change. I can com- pose myself, I bless his name. I wot not how it comes to pass that a body that has met with so much of God should be so unthankful, as in the least to doubt him about the rest. O what an evil heart of unbelief, cursed unbelief and cursed self, have I! 0 how has God honoured me ! 0 that I should yet have such an enemy in my bosom as an evil heart ! "

He caused read 1 Thess. i. 4, and chapter v. And when one said, '' Sir, I think you need to take the night's rest," he answered, " I have no need of any rest, were it not to put me in case to ' finish my course mth joy.' Lo, what the power of Christ's death and the efficacy of his resurrection are ! And now I find the advantage and efficacy explained in the effects. I find the advantage of one at ' the right hand of God who is able to save to the uttermost;' and that is the sight I long for; he will but shut the eyes, and open them in glory ! 0 it is a great matter, sirs, to believe ; yet we have strong ground to believe, only we have ' evil hearts of unbelief.' This I dare say. To have my soul entirely submissive to God, and all things, even every high ima- gination and thought made subject, is my sincere desire;

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS IIALYBURTON. 243

but I will get that done shortly; then never will there be a reluctant thought, never an estranged thought more from God. ' Now it does not appear what we shall be: we shall be like him when he appears, for we shall see him as he is.'"

To one who alleged he was faint, he said, " I am not faintish, I am composed, and I am refreshed — I am not drunk with wine, and yet I am refreshed with wine, with the spiced wine. O there is a sweet calm in my soul ! and my desires are towards him, and the remem- brance of his name. Remember him ! why should I not remember him that remembered me in my low con- dition ? He passed by, and said. Live ; and when he says, he commands — he gives rest."

After reading of the foresaid Scripture, he caused read 2 Cor. i. 1-11, and after the 9th and 10th verses were read, he said, " Now there it is all. God has delivered and filled me with peace, when I was under that heavy damp; and I hope that he will de- liver, even from that which I feared in death, and let me find that I have got the victory, and that ' the God of peace will bruise Satan shortly under my feet,' and he will get up no more; and I will get victory over the cunning world — the deceitful heart. O many a weary day I have had with my unbelief! If I had had faith to believe things not seen — if I had had faith an- swerable to the convictions I had on my soul, that my happiness lay not in things seen and temporal, but eternal — if I had had faith's abiding impressions realizing these things, 1 would not have known how to abide out of heaven a moment."

A little thereafter he said, " As I preached the gospel in my life, so I desire to die preaching it; and though I live not till a suffering time, I may get in among the witnesses. Sirs, I shall be a witness against St. Andrews — I shall be a witness against the

244 JIEMOIRS OF THE

professors that are come about me, if they follow not the Lord."

When desired to lie quiet, and take sleep, he an- swered, " The folk I am going to, sleep not day nor night, but cry, * Holy, holy, holy!' ' They that wait on the Lord shall mount up as wdth eagles' wings.'"

Then he said, " Find ye any alteration as to my coldness ? The only reason why I ask, is, I would not lose my time.

"Ah, poor blacked T, that think shame to come in among that fair company ! " One said, "You will be as braw * as the rest." He said, " Blessings to his name, for composure. I cannot get my heart in a right tune, as I would have it ; but within a little I will get it so.

After he had lain quiet a little, one said, " You haye slept none." He answered, " No, I had much work, but, blessed be God, pleasant work."

Thereafter, when his wife asked how he was, he answered, " My dear, I am longing for the salvation ot God, and hastening to it." Then seeing her very sad, he said, " My dear, encourage yourself; here is a body going to clay, and a soul going to heaven, where I hope you are to come."

September 19, about five in the morning, when he was desired to lie quiet, and try if he could get rest, he answered, " No, no ; should I lie here altogether use- less ? Should not I spend the last bit of my strength to show forth his glory ? He held up his hands, and said : " Lame hands, and lame legs ; but see a lame man leaping and rejoicing." t

Speaking of his children to his wife, he said, "They are all a devoted thing to the Lord ; and I can say, sometimes when they were baptized, that the Lord

* Richly dressed, splendid.

+ His hands and legs were greatly swelled.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 245

helped me to devote tliem to him, and hade me hring the rest, and he would accept of them."

Thereafter, finding some disorder in his body, he said, " This is just one of the forerunners of the change — the great change. " One said, " Blessed be the Lord, that he is providing you with relief." He replied, *' His word is a good word ; and 0 he has been con-- descending, astonishingly condescending ! and I am even made to say, ' Why are his chariot- wheels so long a- coming ? ' When shall I be admitted to see the glory of the higher house ; and, instead of that cloudy light of a created sun, to see that clear and perfect glory, and the Lamb in the midst of the throne ?"

After a while's silence in the forenoon, finding him- self very low, he took farewell of his wife and children, saluting them all, one by one, and spoke particularly to each of them. Then he said, " A kind and affection- ate wife you have been to me. The Lord bless you ; and he shall bless you."

To a minister that came in he said, " Your servant, brother. I am upon a piece of trying work — I am parting with wife and bairns. Resolve on that, I bless his name, though I have had one of the best of wives, yet she is no more mine, but the Lord's."

Then to his children he said, " Now you are father- less ; your father is to be taken from you. But seek God ; and now I got you from the Lord, and I give you to him. Now I leave you upon him ; ye are no more mine."

To his son he said, " God bless the lad, and let my name be named upon him. But O what is my name ! Let the name of the Lord be named upon him. I do not say, Keep up my name ; but O that you may be honoured to tell the generation following how good God is, and hand down the testimony! And 0 that ye may be all the Lord's!"

24(3 MEMOIRS OF THE

After that he spoke to his servants, and said, "As for you, my servants, that have heen in my family, my dear friends, make religion your main business — and mind that, above all things. I charge all my servants in my house, Beware of graceless masters; avoid them as what may turn to your destruction; seek to be with them that fear God."

Then he said, " I will not bring up an ill report on religion ; nay, I cannot but give a testimony to it : * Tribulation works patience ; and patience, experience ; experience works hope ; and hope makes not ashamed.' God has shed abroad his love in my heart ; and I am waiting for his salvation. Here is a demonstration of the reality of religion, that I, a poor weak, timorous man, as much once afraid of death as any — I that have been many years under the terrors of death — come now, in the mercy of God, and by the power of his grace, composedly, and with joy, to look death in the face. I have seen it in its paleness, and all the circumstances of horror attending it ; I dare look it in the face in its most ghastly shape, and hope within a little to have the victory. Then he said, I hope he wdll deal tenderly. But pray for me, that my faith fail not ; I loved to live preaching Christ, and love to die preaching Christ."

To some ministers that were come in he said, " My brethren, I have been taking farewell of wife and bairns ; I have been giving them up to God, from whom I got them ; I am upon the wing of eternity ; but, glory to God, I know in whom I have believed."

Then he said, " Dear brethren, will you begin and speak a word to one that longs to hear of Him ? 0 1 love to hear the gospel ; I love to preach it ; it is a joyful sound, a sweet sound ; I love to hear of his name ; ' his name is as ointment poured forth.' The efficacy lies here : they are his ordinances, his institu- tions ; and he has promised to bless them ; that makes

LIFE OF KEY. THOMAS IIALYBURTON. 247

me desire them. The gospel, as dispensed, is the mi- nistration of the Spirit. I have need of grace, that I may be helped to stand to it to the last, and in the last conflict to honour him." One said, " God has been gracious to you hitherto ; and, you know, he is always the same ; he is the same to those that belong to him. There is one good word, ' I will never leave thee, nor for- sake thee.' " He answered, " Blessed be his name, that he will stand by me. O to have him shut my eyes himself, and then to open them, that I may behold him in his 0"^^^l licrht !"

o

Thereafter he said, " Well, sirs, what shall we say of the Lord Christ ? ' He is altogether lovely.' Re- ligion is a mystery ; but I was looking through the promises this night, and observing how to provide against the last conflict ; I was astonished, and at a stand, when I saw the sweet accomplishment of them. Every promise of the word of God is sweet ; they are sure promises. 0, sirs, study the word ; observe the accomplishment of it. It was the thing I loved all my days, and it is sweet to the last. O the accomplishment of the word is worthy to be observed, and especially when I was looking this same night to what he has already fulfilled to me."

To a minister he said, " Now, sir, though I will not limit the Lord as to time, I am expecting the onset from the last enemy; and I know not but I may get many enemies about me ere then."

Then, exhorting some to think on death, he said, "To mind death is a profitable thing; to mind death is not to go to church-yards and visit tombs ; but it lies in this, to be habitually under the impressions of death, in its rise and cause, in its present state and relation to both covenants, the various issues and consequences of it, and the way of delivery from it, and all the circum- stances attending it."

248 MEMOIRS OF THE

Then, as to his spiritual enemies, he said, " But I think I am now abnost out of their hands." One said, " That is a great victory." He answered, " I dare not speak of rictory ; but he holds me up, though I cannot hold pace ; I am afraid to speak, lest a cursed enemy — self — lie at the door, to catch ; for when I had the great- est advantages, I have felt corruption stirring and mak- ing no small difficulty, inclining me to spoil my Lord of his glory." One said, "We shall neither, under mercies nor afflictions, be free of this trial." He said, " 0 strange, that when death has been so long kept in view, it should be so !'" One said, " You have reason to count that a victory, that the Lord has helped you over your late fears. You know what a damp you was under on Wednesday, and what a sweet outgate you got." He answered, " I desire to bless his name for it ; but I should be yet under as great a damp; if he should withdraw. Holy fear, caution, and jealousy, are still needful."

After that, to the ministers he said, " Brethren, you are there ; in case I should be surprised, I take this op- portimity to acknowledge your tenderness to me, that I am most unworthy of it in many respects. I can say I desired to live in love with you ; and I bless God there was harmony amongst us. The Lord bless you and your labours; the Lord himself multiply spiritual blessings on you and your families, support you against discourage- ments ; and the Lord in mercy look on the rising genera- tion; the Lord hold his hands about the seminaries in this place; God look with pity on them." Then to one he said, " My dear brother, who has been my comfort in affliction, stand your ground; quit yourself like a man; be strong. Now, sir, now my dear friend, I shall only say, as I wish you the blessing of God on your family, so I desire that you will even show kindness to the dead, in sjTnpathy with and kindness to my dear wife and

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALLIBURTON. 249

children. I recommend her to your care. She has l)een the friend of my bosom, the wife of my youth — a faithful friend." And turning to all the ministers pre- sent, " O sirs, check my poor babies if you see anything in them disorderly. I have lent and devoted them to the Lord. Last spring the Lord has taken trial of it, and has taken me at my word.* O sirs, it is an evidence of the decay of religion, that sympathy and love among the saints is decayed. O, if the Spirit were pom-ed out from on high !" Then he said, " Pray, sirs, pray for grace; I would have the praise of the victory to him."

Afterward he said, " Patience must have its ' perfect work;' I will wait for it. My soul longs more than ' they that wait for the morning.' Sweet Lord Jesus, make haste, until ' the day break, and the shadows flee away.' " Then to a minister he said, " Pray a word for patience to me to bide this last trial."

Thereafter, at his desire, a large paper was read over to him, which he had dictated some days before, con- taining a testimony unto religion, and advice to his family, which being read, he owned before several wit- nesses that he had dictated the same; and desired that these, as his words, might be attested by them; the tenor whereof follows : —

" Having in another paper apart made such a dis- position of my worldly concerns as I thought most expedient for my family, I did think myself bound, moreover, by this present testament and latter will, to declare my sentiments and sense as to religion; being hitherto, through the mercy of God, in the full and composed exercise of any reason and judgment that God has given, though otherwise very frail in body : and this I am the rather inclined to do, as a testimony against the growing apostasy of the day we live in, and in ex- * By this he meant the death of his son George.

250 MEMOIRS OF THE

pression of my earnest concern to have all with whom I have any influence or interest to adhere to the truth and way of God, in opposition to that general inclination to apostasy, in principle and practice, that prevails this day.

" In the first place, then, I do ingenuously acknow- ledge that I came into the world a defiled, polluted branch of apostate Adam, under the guilt of his sin, tainted with the pollution of sin derived from him; having a heart full of alienation from, and enmity against, God; in a word, a ' child of wrath, an heir of hell/ And long did I follow the bent of this corrupt nature, going on, notwithstanding reclaiming means of all sorts, from evil to worse, though mercifully restrained from those more open scandals that bring reproach before the world: in a word, I had ruined myself, and could do nothing for my own recovery, and must have been ever- lastingly ruined in this case, if the Lord, in tender mercy, had not looked upon me.

" I must, on the other hand — and the Lord knows I do it with much cheerfulness of heart — bless the Lord, who cast my lot in a land where the gospel of Christ, and the way of salvation by him, is clearly, plainly, and purely revealed and preached; wherein the pure ordi- nances of God's worship, without the mixture of men's inventions, have, through the mercy of God, been kept up, and the beautiful order of his house maintained, according to the rule of his word. I bler.s the Lord that he so ordered it, that I was bom in a religious family of godly parents ; and that I had this to say, that God was my father's God, and that I had been earnestly and seriously by them devoted to him. And whereas I early subjected myself to other lords in my childhood and youth, I bless and adore the Lord, that by his word and Spirit he ceased not to be a reprover, reclaimer, and to strive with me, until, by a day of his power, he made me

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 251

cheerfully give up those abominations, and return to the God of my fathers. Long did I struggle against the Lord's "\vo;"k; but, praises be to free grace, he proved stronger than I, and overcame me, and I rejoice in his highness.

" I bless the Lord, though, by many provocations of all sorts, I have given him just ground to abandon me quite, yet he has not so done; nay, even when I ' was as a beast before him,' he ' held me by the hand,' and left me not to run away. O astonishing sovereignty of gi'ace ! I bless the Lord, that when I stood trembling under the terrors of God's law, he seasonably saved me from despair, by some discovery of the blessed way of salvation for self-destroyed sinners, through a slain Saviour; even such a discovery as made me resolve to part with all, that I might have the field, Christ the treasure hid in it, and pearl of price. There is nothing I dread so much as a mistake in this matter. It is Christ only that will answer me and my case, and without him I am undone; on him — the efficacy of his sufferings, the power of his resurrection, and of his whole mediation, as revealed in the gospel — do I build all my hope.

" I bless the Lord that ever he honoured such a sin - ful, im.worthy worm, to preach the glorious gospel of his Son. I confess I have but ill managed this glorious trust; and my manifold corruptions made me a sinner in all I did, exceedingly; yet, so far as I know my own heart, it was the life of my life to ' preach Christ cruci- fied,' and deal with consciences about accepting of him ; nor durst I deal coldly, or indifferently, in a matter whereon I knew my o>\ti and my hearers' salvation to eternity did depend. Herein this day I have peace, and I know that in this matter I shall never have ground of regret. I must bear my honourable Master that testi- mony, that he never bid me go any part of my warfare upon my own charges. If I was straitened, it was in my

252 MEMOIRS OF THE

own bowels; as to him, I always found that spend and have in his service was the best thrift. When I was helped freely to give what freely I had received, I never wanted, then, seed for sowing, and bread for the eater, and, I hope, sometimes a blessing.

" I bless God that he has cast an insignificant worm's lot among those to whom his weak labours were not unacceptable ; and I look upon it as a high privilege to have the countenance of the saints, the ' excellent ones of the earth.' I have desired to live with them here, and desire to have my lot ^vith them eternally hereafter. I have peace this day, that through his merciful hand I have been kept from making any worldly interest the main design ; it is to his grace only I owe this, as every thing else.

" I bless the Lord that I have been happily trysted, in the several places wherein I lived, with kind, affectionate, useful fathers and brethren to me, with whom I have lived with much delight and satisfaction, and for whom I bless the Lord heartily.

" In a word, I desire to join my insignificant testi- mony unto that of the glorious cloud of witnesses ; and particularly I do attest, as my fixed persuasion, that Christ only has the ' w^ords of eternal life;' that the gos- pel only has ' brought life and immortality to light ; ' that this blessed revelation is able ' to make Avise to salvation/ and is the only safe directory to be trusted in relation to eternity; and that the gospel is the ' power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth.' I must bear testi- mony, that the way of holiness is the way of peace and the way of pleasantness, and that gospel ordinances in their native simplicity and purity, are blessed and effectual means of communication and ' fellowship with the Father, and with the Son.'

" I see a generation that has lost long ago anything of the power of religion some of them once seemed to

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 253

Lave, hastening fast to an utter rejection of the pairity of gospel ordinances, and strongly inclined to substitute in their room that dead carcass of forms, ceremonies, and superstitions, which England at her reformation, re- garding political considerations more than the rule of Church reformation, retained, ^o the unspeakable preju- dice of souls, and to the endangering one day or other the whole of the Christian religion there ; it being visible, that among those who adhere to them the power of re- ligion is still wearing lower and lower; and nothing could induce this generation to the change, but their utter ignorance of the power of religion; and something men must have. It is obvious the change is not of God; the lives of the zealots for it demonstrate this, with the opposition made by them unto serious godli- ness, and the encouragement given unto profane persons, if they will but join with them in this party design. In a word, my sense of it is, that it flows from the want of a sense of the spirituality that God requires in his wor- ship, and is likely to issue in the loss of all religion. Such as now cast at the purity and simplicity of religion, and put forms in its room, are likely, ere long, as we have seen instances, to set the form a packing too.

" In a word, all in God's way, in his word, is glorious, honourable, and like himself: he needs none of our testimonies ; but it is the least that we can do to signify our good will to have his praises celebrated; and I, being so many ways obliged, take this solemn occasion to acknowledge, before I leave the world, these among the innumerable other obligations, and desire to bequeath this, as my best legacy to my family, even my serious and solemn advice to make choice of God for their God. He has been my father's God — the God both of my wife's predecessors and mine ; he has been, we hope, our God ; and I recommend him to my children for their God, solemnly charging them, as they shall be answerable in

254 MEMOIRS OF THE

the great day, all of them to make it their first care to seek after peace with God, and reconciliation through Christ crucified; and being reconciled, make it their perpetual study to please him in all things. I beseech them, with all the bowels of a father, as they love their souls, sit not down short of saving acquaintance with him; wait diligently upon the means of grace, and at- tend the worship of God in all duties, secret especially, family likewise, and carefully attend public ordinances. Beware of contenting yourselves with the mere form of these duties, but cry to the Lord for communion with him in them, and the outpouring of his Spirit, whereby you may be enabled to worship God, who is a Spirit, in spirit. It is my charge to you, and that which I am above all things relating to you concerned in, that ye follow God; follow him early, follow him fully, with out turning aside to the right or left hand. In this way, I dare promise you blessedness; if ye follow this way, I bless you all, and pray that he who blesses, and they are- blessed, may bless you all. I have often de- voted, as I could, all of you to God; and there is nothing I have so much at heart as to have this stand, that ye may indeed be the Lord's ; and if ye turn aside from this way, then I will have this to be a standing witness against you in the day of the Lord. 0 that God him- self, by his grace, may, in a day of Ids power, determine your tender hearts to seek him early, and he will be a good portion, and see well to you. *" Your bread shall be given you, your water shall be sure." Necessaries you shall have, and a blessing. Though you have not many blood- relations, ye shall not want a friend everywhere, and that a steadable friend. I leave you, my dear family, upon the mercies of God in Christ, and recom- mend him, and the word of his grace to you, and you to him, and to the word of his grace. Be obedient and comfortable to your mother, as ye would have God's

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 26 J

blessing. She deserves this at your hand, and will need that comfort.

" I leave this one advice more to my family. That whereas we have a prospect of divided times, and different apprehensions and practices among ministers and people, particularly about this oath of abjuration, beware of interesting yourselves in that difference, or entertaining prejudices against ministers upon the one hand or the other. There wdll be faithful ministers on both sides, and on either hand they will act according to their light sincerely. "Whoever shall have an acces- sion to the weakening any of their hands, shall find no peace in it in the close of the day. Beware of a reli- gion that is most taken up about public matters. The sum of the gospel is Christ crucified. Seek where this is pm-ely preached; beware of an itch after pulpit debates. Walk humbly with God, fear always, hold at a distance from appearances of evil; follow peace, truth, holiness. This, instead of legacies, I leave unto you as my last will, never to be revoked.

" As for my body, I commit it to the dust, under the care of the Keeper of Israel, expecting and hoping that that quickening Spirit — that is, the Spirit of the Head, and that actuates all the members of his mystical body — will in due time quicken my mortal body. And for my spirit, I commit it unto my Lord Jesus Christ; with him I have intrusted it long ago; and I shall end it with Stephen, crying, ' Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.'

" Tho. Halyburton."

Thereafter, to some present he said, " Professors, I have this to say to-day about religion. We have a double call to give a testimony to it. Atheism and profaneness are coming in like a flood. We should all be mart}Ts. Blessings to his name to get leave to lie on this bed, to testify against profaneness and atheism. But," said

256 MEMOIRS OF THE

lie, " it is very painful to be lying here when all is ready; I mean when there is a habitation, a better house to be dwelling in than this. I am loosed from my enjoyments, my dearest wife and bairns; I have given up with them, and my heart is disengaged ; but I put them in a good hand — I have put them in the Lord's hand. I do confess God has been beating me in -a mortar this long time, and I see he has been doing some work; I was made like a weaned child; I durst not repine." Then he cried, " 0 when wilt thou come, Lord ? Come, Lord Jesus ; I w^ait for the Lord."

Thereafter, when some people came in to see him, he said, ••' These fourteen or fifteen years I have been studying the promises; but I have seen more of the book of God this night than all that time. 0 the wisdom that is laid up in the book of God, that is to be found only there !" Then he said, " I know a great deal from a dying man will go for canting and roving;* but I bless God he has so kept the little judgment I had, that I have been capable to reflect with composure on his dealing with me. I am sober and composed, if ever I was sober; and whether men will forbear, or whether they will hear, this is a testimony. The operations of the Spirit of God are maligned this day; but if we take away the operations and influences of the Spirit of God in religion, I know not what is left. He promised the Spirit to lead us into all truth. 0 that this generation would awaken to seek after quickening influences of the Spirit ! 0 for a day of the down-pouring of the Spirit from on high in a work of conversion — for such a day as that, when the Spirit of God effectually reached our fathers, and brought forth great men, and made others to be conquered by them ! ' The residue of the Spirit is with him.' "

To a minister he said, " I am won now, I say, I am * Wandering of intellect, raving.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 257

■\von, brother, longing for the salvation of God, and for the day when I shall see his appearance. But I must keep my post, and good reason : if he send me hut fresh supplies, as much as to help me till I come home, that I may not dishonour him by begging at another's door; I am so proud, that I would take all from him, and not beg from other lords. Our Master gives his servants a very honourable allowance."

Then to the physician he said, ''• Doctor, it is great bravery to face death on a sick-bed. The heathens of old, whenever they turned impatient, they ran away to kill themselves and make an end of themselves; they could not abide it. Is it not more courage and a nobler spirit that the Lord allows, even to the weak, the timorous, the faint; a power whereby they can lie under sickness and pain, and brave the stoutest enemy, by a patience of spirit?"

After a pause he said, " I think we shall lose the very show of religion. Our gentry and nobility, I think, if the Lord do not reclaim them, they are like all to turn heathens, drunkards, swearers. Among other things, I rejoice in it, that the Lord is taking me away in my younger years, that I shall be free of the transgression of the wicked; and it has many a year grieved my soul to see it."

After a little, he said, " There is a sweet composure on my spirit; the beams of the house are, as it were, cracking. I am laying down my tabernacle, to be built again. O to get grace to be faithful to the death ! For after we have gone through many things, yet we have need still to wait on God till the last; for it is he that endures to the end that shall be saved. Am not I a man wonderfully upheld by God under affliction and death ? The death of the saints is made a derision in our day; but if they laugh at me I can laugh at them,

R

258 MEMOIRS OP THE

and I think I have hetter reason : let them come to my pass, and they dare not. And I will ' rejoice in my God, and joy in the God of my salvation, though the fig tree should not blossom, and there should be no fruit in the vine, and the labour of the olive should fail/ But," said he, " blessed be God, I am provided ; God is a good portion. I want death to complete my happiness."

After a little stop he said, " I- was afraid this day, in the morning, that want of rest might have discomposed me. I would fain have rest for fear of my head. The Lord has been very kind to me in giving me composure and exercise of my judgment, after I had a very dis- tracting trouble in the beginning of this death-bed sickness." Then he said, " But being laid here, I must speak; it is the last service the Lord Jesus calls for at my hand: and I owe him so much, that I can- not but commend him. As far as my word ^^^ll go, I must proclaim it; he is the best master that ever

saw.

Then to the physician he said, " I fancy my feet are growing cold, doctor; yea, yea, all the parts of this body are going to ruin. You may," said he, " believe a man venturing on eternity. I am not acting as a fool, but I have weighed eternity this last night. I have looked on death as stript of all things pleasant to na- ture: I have considered the spade and gi*ave, and every circumstance in it that is terrible to nature ; and under the view of all these, I found that in the way of God that gave satisfaction; not only a rational satisfaction, but a heart-engaging power attending it, that makes me rejoice." The doctor said, " You speak beyond your strength; it is a wonder to see you hold out so." He answered, " I cannot bestow my strength better, doctor: and I owe Him much niore. I have narrow thoughts —

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 259

I am like to be ovenvhelraed; and I know not where I am, when I think on what I am to be, and what I am to see. I have long desired and prayed for it; blessed be God, I am richly furnished. I had as much the day after my sister died."

To his son he said, *' O, man ! if I had as many sons as there are hairs in your head, I would bestow them all on God. David, these are honest folk [^meaning the ministers^ — ^mind their advice; the curse of God will overtake you, if you follow it not. Beware of ill com- pany; read the Bible. I pray you may be an encourage- ment to your mother."

He was much concerned about his two nephews abroad, on which he dictated a letter for them, which is as follows : —

"Dear Nephew, — The words of your dying uncle, the last letter from him, should have some weight ; and my earnest desire that it may have weight in order to your eternal salvation is the reason of iny employing some of my last minutes, by a borrowed hand, to com- mend unto you to make earnest of religion, and not to rest content with a dead, dry, barren profession. I can tell you, since I came to this bed of languishing, I have found a full proof that religion is a real, useful, noble, and profitable thing. I have been helped, through the mercy of God, during my lying here, to rejoice in the goodness of God, and lie composedly and pleasantly. Nothing but religion, nothing but the power of the grace of God, can have that efficacy to enable me to do so ; and having found it so steadable a friend, I could not but commend it to you. It is a day of power only that will engage you efi'ectually, and will prevail vdih you to en- gage in earnest. A providence like this may rouse some present affections, that will go off in an empty

260 MEMOIRS OF THE

flasli again ; but it must be a renewing work of grace that will fix an abiding anchor. The Lord in mercy engage your heart to him, that you may find how good he is to the soul that seeks him, as I do this day to my joy, and hope to do more fully in a little. I could not but commend the Lord to you, ha\dng found so much of his goodness. I never found so much when I was in health and prosperity, as I find now in sick- ness and languishing. I find he makes all things to be his people's for good; sickness, or health, or diseases, or whatever they be, all is good; and I find all for good. I am longing to be away, and I must break off*. If God be pleased to bless this advice from a dying friend, we shall meet, and meet comfortably, in the higher house ; I mean if ye comply with the design of the advice. I fear the influence of the place you live in, want of lively ordinances, and the converse of lively Christians, may endanger you. Converse much with the word of God — be much in secret prayer. God can give a good appetite, and a strong stomach, that, out of a very sapless piece of nourishment, can fetch something that will give strength, and make coarser food subsist and nourish too. However, as soon as you can, seek after lively ordinances ; endeavour, by all means, to draw up acquaintance with the saints, the excellent ones in the earth that fear God."

" Dear Nephew, — I remember kindly your wife, and I advise you in that place, where you can scarce have access to any ordinances, and cannot but be exposed imto many disadvantages and dangers in point of re-^ ligion — I advise you to take the first opportunity of coming out of Babylon, and settling your business, where ye may be under lively means of grace. I know you are a child of many prayers, and you were prayed

"■ LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 261

back from the gates of death; and now I wish that you may give evidence that you have been prayed back indeed for mercy to yourself. I shall be glad that this advice from a dying man come to be any ways useful to you. The Lord be with your spirit. You cannot expect from one of my condition a digested, polished letter; but I speak the words of soberness, and full composure of mind, blessed be God. Let your kindness to the dead appear in your kindness to my dear widow whom I leave behind, and my six children. Show your concern with both.

" Tho. Halyburton."

To some present he said, " O sirs ! I dread mightily that a rational sort of religion is coming in among us ; I mean by it, a religion that consists in a bare attend- ance on outward duties and ordinances, without the power of godliness; and thence people shall fall into a way of serving God which is mere deism, having no relation to Christ Jesus and the Spirit of God." To his colleague he said : " Dear brother, let not modesty hinder you from laying out your talent that way; God has given you abilities. Well, brother, to encourage you, I must tell you, I must say it, your conversation has been a blessing to me ; our mutual communication about the concerns of the Lord was re- viving. It was after a sweet night's communication of this sort that God took the burden of my son George off me, and brought me to sweet submission in the prospect of his approaching death. 0, if we could be concerned about God's interest, he would look well to ours."

Then he said, " If I had all our brethren present now, I would tell them how much it is upon my heart that they may maintain brotherly love, and beware of

26*2 MEMOIRS OP THE

division." One said, " I have observed, that that has been many times the greatest trial of the church of Scotland. Alas ! the fatal lengths that division came to in time of persecution, and not without the influence of some by their preaching, has brought us to that pass that we are not likely to recover." He said, " O what a care has God of me, who is hiding me from the evil to come ! I was willing to stand at my post with you — to stand and fall with the church of Scot- land; but my Master is calling me off. O, I pity, I pity you that stay behind ! I am no prophet — I do not pretend to prophesy; but I am persuaded a storm is coming on this church." One said, " I hope, brother, the Lord will not quit his room in Scotland." He answered, " Indeed, I hope not ; but I much doubt if this generation will be honoured to do God great service, and see good days. I do not much wonder that he has laid me bye; but, however, they that keep the faith, and fight the good fight, shall have abundant peace. Well, well, sirs, the day must break: I hope, I hope the Lord will arise, and the church will be made a wonder. He will say, ' Lo ! this people have I formed for myself.' He can make a nation to be bom at once."

Often he said, "This day, 0 how composed am I ! what a wonder to be so, while I see the evident symptoms of my dissolution !" and he cried often, as in the Song, " When shall the day break, and the shadows fly away ? Turn, my Beloved, and'be thou like a rge or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether. I am longing to be dissolved, and to be with Christ; that is fa» better."

. When a minister s son came in, he said, " John, you are going to get another lesson from a dying man; you got one from a dying father, and now another from a

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 263

second father."" Then telling how kind the Lord was to that minister when dying, he said, " 1 have found much of God's goodness too : I did not think to come near to, but I was desiring and panting after a share of, his happiness; and now God has given it me. And now, John, I charge you, trace your father's steps, as ye shall be answerable at the great day. 0 serve the Lord; and for your encouragement I tell you, man, he is the best of masters. Be encouraged to seek God; beware of the vanities of youth; and take heed to your ways, according to the word of God. The Lord bless you, and bless your sisters, and make them in their younger years to seek God, and it >vill be well mth you ! The reverend old man, your grandfather, your father looked on him as an orphan ; be you as a father to him : be dropping aye the word of life to him, and have a tender care of him; it is the way to obtain a blessing. Pray for me to have patience to the end, that I may win to praise Him. I many times had a mistuned voice, but, which is worse, I had a mistuned heart ; but I shall get all rightly tuned above."

To a minister who came from Edinburgh to visit him, he said, "■ Come and see your friend in the best case that ever you saw him in — longing for a deliver ance, and ' hastening to the coming of the day of God ; waiting for the salvation of God,' on a bed of roses, though nature and skin say not so — a bed perfumed. And, man, I sent for you; I longed to see you, that I might give you encouragement in an ill world to preach the gospel, and stand by Christ, that has been so good to me. This is the best pulpit that ever I was in. I am now laid on this bed for this end, that I may com- mend my Lord." He answered, " It is a great blessing that he commencls himself to you, and I desire to bless * This he said, because that young man was recommended to his care.

264 MEMOIRS OF THE

him on that account." To which he repHed, " Yea, he commended himself first."

September 20. In the morning, when a minister asked how he was, he said, " I am composed, waiting for Him." To which the other replied, " You see how kindly he deals with you; he is antedating in your soul both heavenly exercise and heavenly enjoyments." On which he said, " He is preparing and making me ' meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.'" The minister said, " He deals so tenderly vtdth you, that he gives you little ado but to praise." He answered, " I have reason to desire the help of all to praise him. ' Bless the Lord, 0 my soul, and all that is within me magnify his holy name ! ' "

To some entering the room he said, *' Indeed, you are all very welcome, sirs. I am taking a little ^^dne for refreshment, and in a little I shall get my wine fresh and new in his kingdom of glory. I dare scarcely allow my thoughts to run directly upon it; I must look aside, lest I should be overwhelmed. But I rather speak than spare of him who has done wonderful things for me, and has kept me this day in a perfect calm." One said, " You have got, I trust, what your heart can desire to make you meet for going through the valley of the shadow of death, since Wednesday that you had your o^^^l trial? " He answered, " 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.' It is but a little, and I shall get that rest ; I am getting the earnest of it. It is but a little, and I shall get himself. ' Light is sown Yor the righteous, and gladness for the upright.' O, when will it come, that I may win there where I will conceive aright of glory ? ' I cannot order my speech now, because of darkness ;' but t long to behold it. I have the patience to wait until hfe come. I have experienced much of his goodness since I lay down in

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 265

tliis bed. I have found that ' tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.' And I have found the love of God shed abroad in my soul." Then turning to his wife, he said, *' Come away, my dear, and encourage yourself in the expectation that, under the conduct of the same Captain of salvation, ye shall come thither, and cast yourself and your family upon the Lord: encom-age yourself. God liveth; blessed be my Redeemer, the rock of my strength."

After that, to his son he said, " I am going to die. I am to be a bridegroom this day; at least I am to be the bride. I am going home to my God, and I hope your God. And be sure that ye be with God often ; and if ye be often with him, ye shall be where I am. My dear, seek God; seek him, and seek him early, and he will be found of you. ' The Angel that preserved me, bless the lad.' Mind, David, that I have commended God and his way to you." Then he said, " O sirs, if there were a day of the power of God going along, and God grip- ing the hearts of youth ! Poor thing, read your book, and be a good scholar yourself, and be sure to seek God, that he may teach you."

Then he said, " Who is like him ? 0 what he has allowed me this night ! I know now the meaning of that word : ' Ask what ye Avill in my name, and ye shall receive it.' I say the Lord has even allowed me to be very homely in every circumstance, and I have thought I was even minting* at it."

Then to his daughter he said, " Come, Margaret, I must again commend to you my God, and his ways. Be an encouragement to your mother. Mind the many exhortations I have given you, and despise them not, and save your own soul ; and cry that, by a day of his * Aiming, attempting.

266 MEMOIRS OF THE

power, he may bring you to sound sincerity. You have lost a loving father. It will be God only that can make him up. But God can do more ; and indeec^ we must not compare fathers. Your father and mother have given you to God. Do not ye give yourself unto the devil. In all things aim at pleasing God; and, my bird, ye will never rue it."

After that, he caused his son come to him, and said, " David, keep not near vain persons; anybody that w^ill swear, or lie, or speak anything that is obscene, or that will break the Sabbath-day, come not near them ; and pray that God may give you a better memory to mind the sermons, and stay your heart."

Then he said, " 0, ' let us exalt his name together.' 0, glory dwells in Immanuel's land. I long for the fragrancy of the spiced wine. ' Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples ; for I am sick of love.'" Then he caused a minister to pray.

Thereafter, to a minister that came in, he said, " I am come to Jesus, the mediator of the new covenant ; I shall be in among the blessed company that stand by; I shall be in with that assembly above, where the *• Lamb in the midst of the throne ' has the precedency; and now I wait for his salvation. Glory to him! ' What shall I render to God ? Let us exalt his name together ; ' he has done wonderful things for me. I have been many a day afraid how I should get through the valley of the shadow of death." One said, " It is a mercy, sir, the Lord has taken away the fears of death before death come." He answered, " 0 there is much in this ; he has wrought us for the self-same thing. Since I was laid down here, the Lord has car- ried on a work of sanctification far on my soul, that makes me meet for heaven."

After prayer by one of the ministers, it was asked of

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 26 <

him: "Find you any more ease?" He answered, " Yea, I found ease in time of prayer." Then he said, " I long to launch out in his praise ; it is an ocean. If I come not to be like an angel of God, yet the weak will be like David, the sweet singer of Israel. O be encouraged to follow the Lord every one of you. sirs."

Then to one of the elders of the parish he said, "James, ye are an old man, and I am dying ; yet, I am dying old — old and satisfied with days; the child is going to die a hundred years old. I am like a shock of corn fully ripe. I have ripened fast; but 0 I have been under a bright sun — a day when the Sun of Righteousness shines — and I have brave showers."

After a little silence, he said, " I have been sleep- ing, and I have wakened as refreshed; and now, what shall I say ? I can say no more to commend the Lord, not for want of what to say, but for want of words wherewith to express it. Well, sirs, ye will meet with difficulties and discouragements; but this may encou- rage you — ye see God owns his servants; and should not his servants o^^^l him, and rejoice in him, and de- spise what enemies can do, when the Master does so much for them ? God has kept my head to me, and my judgment for the best piece of work that ever I had. Blessed be God, my head and my heart are so sound. Though many a time a vain heart has run aAvay, and carried me down the stream, yet I may say, the habitually determinate desires of my soul, from the day that God first revealed his Son in me, ran out after him, and the remeihbrance of his name. And noAv I find he meets them that rejoice, and work righteousness ; glory, glory to him ! O what of God I see ! I never saw anything like it. The beginning and end, sirs, of religion, are wonderfully sweet. ' Mark the perfect

2G8 MEMOIRS OF THE

man, and behold the upright/ I am not calling my- self perfect ; the Lord knows I am far from it. I have found corruption stirring since you came in this morn- ing." One said, " His dealing with you has been very uncommon." He answered, " Yery uncommon, in- deed, if ye knew all that I know ; yea, but therein is the glory of the Lord, that he makes the weak strong ; the excellency of the power is the more remarkably seen." The other replied, " There is a borrowed per- fection." He answered, " Yea, yea ; that is the perfec- tion. Glory to him for that perfection." The other adding, "And as all our righteousness comes from him, so does all our strength." He said, " Yea, yea ; now may ye all ascribe to him the honour of his name; may ye be all engaged by this unto the Lord himself, and established in his way ! The glory is his — his only ; and engagement of heart, as consequent to the discovery, should be to him only. ' Not unto us, not unto us, but to thy name, 0 Lord, be the glory.' O the sweetness of a Creator to a creature ! "

Having continued his discourse a while to those about him, he said, " O this is the most honourable pulpit that ever I was in ! I am preaching the same Christ, the same holiness, the same happiness I did before. I have much satisfaction in that. I am not ashamed of the gospel I preached. I Avas never ashamed of it all my days, and I am not ashamed of it at the last, when I am put to the trial in the bed of languishing. Blessed be God, we are all agreed in that, that it is the power of God to salvation."

After that, to the minister that had come from Edin- burgh he said, " Now, tell my honest friends at Edin- burgh, tell them what God has done for my soul, and encourage them to hold on their way. They are a blessed seed; and beside these, to Christian acquaintances I

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 269

am very Avilling it should be told how good God has been to me. Are v>e ashamed of the gospel ? "Will these experiences of the reality of religion be blown out of our minds ? Here I am now, a man, a weak man, in hands with the king of terrors, rejoicing in the hope of the glory that is to be revealed, and that by the death and resurrection of a despised Christ." That minister answered, " Sir, I believe you know that your friends at Edinburgh will be very well satisfied that mercy from the Lord has been shown to you." He replied, " All that fear God may be glad. Indeed, I minted, as strength would allow, w^hen the beginning of this trouble was on me, at that — ' Show me a token for good;' and indeed I think God has shown me a token for good."

Then to some present he said, " It is an ill time this. I Avill tell you, sirs, it was this ill time that has helped on all this ; it has weighed my spirit — the dark prospect was so uneasy. But, may be, I took more care than I should have done. We trust God too little. I sought my judgment, and he has continued my judgment." Then he desired a minister to pray, and said, " 0 let us exalt his name ; truly the ' lines are fallen in pleasant places, and I have gotten a goodly heritage.' Now pray; but be short, because I find a great alteration on my body; and praise him, 0 praise him; praise is comely."

After prayer he said, " Christ is exalted ; death is not terrible — death is unstinged ; the curse of the fiery law is done away."

To a gentlewoman he said, " I long for his salvation ; I bless his name I have found him; I am taken up in blessing him; I am dying rejoicing in the Lord. Well," said he, " I long to be in the promised land."

He, apprehending himself very low, said, " Here I die.

270 MEMOIRS OF THE

saying, ' Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.' Come, sweet Lord Jesus, receive this spirit, fluttering within my breast like a bird to be out of a snare. When shall I hear him. say, ' Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; the winter is past, the rain is over and gone?* Come, sweet Lord Jesus, come and take me by the hand, that I stumble not in the dark valley of death." One said, " He has been pleased to set his love upon you, and he will help through in this last conflict; for his word is still the same, ' I will never, never leave, nor forsake you ;' he is ' able to save to the uttermost.' " He answered, " I know that."

A little after, the other said, " We have, brother, such a view of his love and glory that shall be revealed that should excite to praise and thanksgiving — that will be the eternal song of the redeemed. You are begin- ning that song now." He answered, " Ay, ay, blessed be his name!"

Then he prayed, and said, " Pity me, and let me depart in peace ; for mine eyes have seen thy salvation."

When a minister said, " Do ye desire one of us to pray?" he answered, " Yea, yea, pray that I may win comfortably over." One said, " He has need of some refreshment," He answered, " I have meat to eat. Pray," said he, " that, like a good soldier, I may strike the last stroke."

After that, he said, " I wait for thy salvation. How long? Come, sweet Lord Jesus! O come, sweet Lord Jesus, take me by the hand ! Then he caused a minister pray," and said, " Pray, pray and praise."

After prayer he said, " Come, Lord Jesus; I have waited for thy salvation. I wait for thy salvation, as the watchman watcheth for the morning. . I am weary with delays. I faint for thy salvation. Why are his chariot- wheels so long a-coming? He is trying my

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patience. 0 what means he to stay so long ? I am like to faint with delays."

Then having revived a little, he said, " Draw the cur- tains about me, and let me see what he has a mind to do with me." This done, after a while's silence, he said, " Whence is this to me ? There is a strange change ■\\'ithin this half-hour. Ah !" said he, " I am like to be shipwrecked to health again; I am afraid of it, and I tremble at this, sirs. 0 what sort of a providence is this ? I was in hopes to have been at the end of my journey; and now I am detained with a cross-"svind. I desire to be patient under his hand; but he must open my heart to glorify him." Then he said, " Pray for me ; pray for me, that none that fear Him may be ashamed on my account."

After that, he said, " ' I have loved the habitation of thy house, and the place where thine honour dwelleth. Thou that knowest all things, knowest that I love thee.' Lord, I may not want thee."

Then to the ministers he said, " Brethren, go and pray to the Lord for me." One said, " Brother, I am not disappointed in that reviving you got. The Lord calls to submission to his will; 'he does all things well;' he has given you wonderful assistance hitherto." He an- swered, " I find corruption vigorous and strong, so that I have no reason to quit my post, no, not for half an hour."

Thereafter he said, " O that I could bless the Lord I such a wonder of mercy as I have been made !" When he was breathing forth a passionate longing after his dissolution, one said to him, " You have reason to ac- count God's kindness to you very surprising, since now these three days past you have had so much of sensible comfort without interruption, and some of the greatest men in the church of Scotland have been sore and lonff

o

272 MEMOIRS OP THE

tossed with desertion, and have not had at death the half of your consolation, have not got the half of these manifestations that you have had." He answered, " His loving-kindness is indeed marvellous to me. What

o

am I, O what am I, that he has brought me hitherto? What I have is not a flashy and very sensible joy; yet I bless, I bless his name, I am much composed, and have solid clear Scripture manifestations of God and the things of God."

To the apothecary he said, " I thought to have been away, and I am come back again. I am glad to be gone — not that I am wearied. He has not allowed a fretting thought to vex me. 0 I am a monument — a monument of the power of God ! My trouble is great, but I am helped to bear it ; and in so far I am a martyr as well as a witness. My great desire has been these many years to suffer for the truth of our religion; and now God has given me the greatest honour, to be a living witness to it and a monument of it, that ' we have not followed cunningly devised fables.' I shall be at heaven shortly; I shall come there by the word of my testimony, and the blood of the Lamb. All is of grace. He has chosen me, called me, justified me, and sanctified me by his grace. He gives grace and glory. These are brave gifts."

Then he said to the ministers, after many apologies, that he, as a dying man, begged them to represent to the ensuipg synod, that they would keep up brotherly love, the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace, and with the utmost care avoid divisive courses, wht^tever temptations they might be under to these. " I am concerned," said he, " as long as I am in time, for the church; I even pity you. 0 let all of us bide by her. 0 that the ministry of Scotland may be kept from destroying the kirk of Scotland ! 0 that I could obtain it of them with

LIFE OP REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 273

tears of blood to be concerned for tbe churcli! Shall we be drawn away from the precious gospel, and from Christ?"

To one of the students he said, " If I had you lads all about me now, I would give you a lesson of divinity. However, this will be a standing witness of the reality, solidity, power, and efficacy of those truths I taught you; for by the power of that grace revealed in those truths, here I lie pained, without pain; without strength, and yet strong. I think it would not be a lost session this, though you were all here."

To a citizen he said, " Sir, I am a monument of the great goodness of God. There are but a few names in this place that set their faces heaven-ward. Be en- couraged to go on. The Lord bless you and your family: you have been a kind neighbour." Then he said, " ' They that are planted in the house of the Lord, shall flourish in the courts of our God.' I am planted in the house of God; here is an evidence of it. I am but young, and yet the child is going to die an hundred years old. In winter last I thought I was going to be cast as a withered stick over the dyke ; and now the dead stock that was cut has budded again, and grown a tall cedar in Lebanon."

After a pause, he said, " My body complains of pain, but I complain of none. I was never more myself all my life than in this sickness — I was never more indebt- ed to grace. Ah, I mistook myself, 0 cursed self! I would have been over- easily away without all this tra- vel, and yet I am travelling away to heaven. I thought to win away with this rubbish; but my God sees meet to purge me of all my dross. He is keeping me, and he will have me as gold purified seven times ere I go hence ; and I shall be bravely purged, and made white in the blood of the Lamb; and the enemy that accused Joshua

s

274 MEMOIRS OF THE

the high priest, dare not accuse me for filthy garments. Yet * not unto us, not unto us.' 0 there is a beauty there! Would you have a mark of a true Christian? Here it is— to strike at the bearing do^vn of self in all i-ts most subtle actings. I am fidl of sores," said he, "^but all my bones shall praise him."

Then he pressed the ministers to discourse to him, and said, " I desire to hear the word read, the word preached. Many times when I thought on the worthies that lived in the days of old, I said, I was as one ' born out of due time;' but now I think I am born in due time, for I shall see Jesus; 0 sweet Jesus, that delivers from the wrath to come! I shall see Elijah and Moses, the great Old Testament prophets; I shall see the two great mediators, the t}^e and the antitype. The three disciples got a sweet and glorious sight of Christ in his transfiguration; this was indeed an edifying and con- firming sight allowed to the disciples for strengthening their faith against the objections of the unbelieving Jews, and the shaking trials they were shortly to meet with. "Was he despised as a mean and mere man, and his Godhead disowned? Lo! here he appears in divine majesty and glory. Did they say that he was against the law? Lo! here Moses, by whom the law was given, paying respect unto him. Did they say that he was not the promised Messias foretold by the prophets? Lo! here Elijah, the greatest zealot among the Old Testa- ment prophets, owning and honouring him. Was he reproached as a deceiver of the people? Lo! the voice from heaven saith, ' This is my beloved Son, in whom 1 am well pleased; hear ye him.' Yet this sight was of short continuance, and terrible while it lasted. But in heaven we shall have a more glorious and abiding sight — we shall behold his glory : ' AVe shall be made like unto him, for we shall see him as he is.' ' ]jO ! this is our God,

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and we have waited for him!' When his people are in trouble, the wicked say, 'Where is your God?* hut wait the issue till their deliverance come, and then they can say, ' Lo ! this is our God.' O," said he, " I am full of matter ! I know not where to beodn or end. The Spirit of the Lord has been mighty with me. O the book of God is a marvellous thing ! it is WTitten within and without. I never studied it to the half of what I should ; but now God has given me much of it together. Neve"r was I more uneasy in my life, and yet I was never more easy. All my bones are like to break — they stick through my skin ; a hand is a burden to me, my mouth is a burden, and yet all easy : ' Not unto us, not unto us.' O there is a beauty there ! "

Then to his wife, he said, " 0 my sweet bird, are you there? I am no more thine; I am the Lord's. I remember on the day I took you by the hand, I thought on parting with you, but I wist not how to get my heart oft you again; but now I have got it done. Will not you give me to the Lord, my dear?" Then seeing her very sad, he said, " My dear, do not weep ; you should rather rejoice. Rejoice with me, ' and let us exalt his name together.' I shall be in the same family with you: you must even stay a while behind, and tal^e care of God's bairns."

In the night-time, he said, " Ah, St. Andrews, I am afraid it is coming to that with it, that the power of re- ligion will wear quite out among professors in St. An- drews, and that they will not seek after the influences of the Spirit in ordinances."

Then he said, " What hour is it?" Ans., "It is ten o'clock." " Well," said he, " the Sabbath is near, and, may be, I shall vnn home then to my rest; but if I win not home on the Sabbath, I shall Avin home in a little to keep the Sabbath."

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When wakened out of sleep, he said, " I am lying pleasantly, and waiting patiently till he finish and perfect what concerns me. God is with me still, and he will be with me: I shall be cold within a little, and I long for it — I long for my dissolution. 0 who would not lie in this pickle till they be all washen away ! " One said, " He will be sore lying." He answered, " I have no sores — He has bound up all my wounds. ' The gods that the blinded nations fear are but lying vanities; but the God of Israel, the portion of Israel, is not like them.' I am now in the hands of the king of terrors, and within a little I shall be out of them. I am now, hand in hand, to grapple with the last enemy, and I find it is a conquerable enemy. I am ' more than a conqueror.' " One said, " A strange champion, indeed ! " He an- swered, " I? ' Not I, but the grace of God in me; by the grace of God I am what I am.* The God of peace has bruised Satan under my feet. Ye see affliction is no mark of God's displeasure. I often wondered how he martyrs could clap their hands in the fire; I do not wonder at it now: I could clap my hands, though you should hold burning candles about them, and think it no hardship though the flames were going round about them. And yet I would cry, and not be able to bear it, if ye would but touch my toe, if the Lord withdrew."

Then he said to one, after a shock he had, " Find you any alteration of my pulse with this?" Ans.y "No; it is as vigorous as yesterday." " Well, well," said he, " I will wait cheerfully." One said, " Ye are well hired to it, as ye use to say yourself." He answered, *' I am so. I will wait till I be all washen away; but my tongue is my glory, to ' render the calves of my lips.' God has given me my head and my tongue to praise his name. I lost my spirits; God has given me my spirits again."

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September 21, about three in the morning, he said, " And is it the Sabbath, then ? This is a brave Sabbath, the best that ever I had. My pleasant George on a Sabbath night went into his rest; I bestowed him on my God. Blessed be his name, he made me content. I would even have given him all my bairns that way ; and I hope it shall be so: blessed be his name."

After a little pause, he said, " Shall I forget Zion ? nay, ' let my right hand forget her cunning, if I prefer not Jerusalem to my chiefest joy.' O to have God re- turning to this church, and his work going on in the world ! If every drop of my blood, every bit of my body, every hair of my head, were all men, they should go to the fire to have this going on."

After that, to some he said, " 0 sirs, I could not be- lieve that I could have borne, and borne cheerfully, this rod so long. This is a miracle, pain without pain ; and this is not a fancy of a man disordered in his brain, but of one lying in full composure. O, blessed be God that ever I was bom! I have a father, a mother, and ten brethren and sisters in heaven, and I shall be the eleventh. O blessed be the day that ever I was born ! O if I were where he is ! And yet, for all this, God's withdrawing from me would make me as weak as water. All this, which I enjoy, though it be miracle upon miracle, would not make me stand without new supply from God. The thing I rejoice in is, that God is alto- gether full, and that in the mediator, Christ Jesus, there is '' all the fulness of the Godhead,' and it will never run out."

After a while's silence, some having heard him groaning, he said, " It is not for pain I am groaning, but for the poor church of Scotland, and for the cup of indignation in the Lord's hand that is going about. I have been days, weeks, and months in terror, thinking

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Avliat would I do in the days of pestilence; but now I see in him there is safety, and that an in\'isible God can keep from a visible stroke. But 0 ! it is a strange thing to consider how an unbelieving heart could not trust him ; but now I am kept in perfect peace. ' The name of the Lord is a strong tower.' Here is a strong tower: and ' he that dwells under the shadow ^of the Most High shall abide/ and not be afraid. 0 the book of God, sirs, is a rich treasure, a sweet book ! make all much use of your Bibles."

Then to his wife he said, " O wait upon him, for he is a good God to his own, and he never takes anything from them, but he gives them as good, and better back again — ye shall get himself. My dear, we have had many a sweet day together; we must part for a while, but we shall meet again, and shall have one work in the praises of God — in the praises of the Lamb. O how wonderful is it ! and let my soul wonder. O to get a discovery of him eye to eye; it is so much enlivening. It is life eternal to know the living God and Jesus Christ. I will not say, with Job, ' When it is morning, when will it be evening?' No, I dare not say it. It will be but a little while; I shall get rest.''

Then to some present he said, " Do ye think that he will come and receive the prisoner of hope to-day? Whether he do or not, holy and righteous is he; but I confess I long for it. This is vastly more that I am bearing than many deaths; and yet the Lord bears up sweetly with his power. Were it not the power of grace, nature would distract, under -what I have upon me even now; but the Lord upholds me. I do not weary; but the hireling longs for his wages. He seems in his adorable wisdom to try me further, and holy and reverend is his name ; he is not wanting to me." One said, " Well, that is enough; if he is now giving you

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a heavy burden to bear, he gives you such remarkable supply." He said, " I desire only grace to be faithful to the death unto the Lord Jesus, unto my God, until I come to the land of praises, even to Jerusalem's gates, to pay thanks to the name of the God of Jacob." One said, " You have his promise for through-bearing, and he cannot fail in performing it. I hear the deflaxion has been uneasy to you the night." He answered, " Yea, yea; but 0 keep me from impatience, or charg- ing my God foolishly ! " One said, " It is w^eak faith that cannot believe, w^hen it has such a support of sen- sible comfort as you have." He answered, " The hundredth part of this trouble w^ould have put me into a distraction, if the Lord had not sustained me. This is his day — it is his holy rest. I long for the rest; I long for this desirable rest." One said, " Well, you have reached a will submissive to his." He answered, *' It takes a great deal of hammering to polish us, and make us ' meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.'"

To his son he said, " My dear Da^dd, I am lying here, man, finding how good God is; and I would fain have my Da\dd, I would fain have you God's, and ac- quainted with his way, that when I am dead I may live in you, and you may tell to the generation not bom how good God is. 0 man, if I had you a seeker of God, I would think myself happy in it." Then a minister asked if he should pray. He answered, "Yea, yea; pray for me."

After prayer, he said, " This night my skin has burned, my heart has panted, my body has been bruised on the bed with weakness, and there is a sore upon me that is racking my spirit, and my heart has been some- times like to fail; and yet I cannot say but the Lord after all this trouble holds me in health in the midst of

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all. If the Lord should give such support, and con- tinue me years in this case, I have no reason to com- plain." One said, " No hypocrite is able to counterfeit that language in such a case as you are in." He an- swered, " It is as great a wonder to me as to any about me. Brother, I know not whether I may desire you to beg of the Lord, with respect to this poor body, even to pity and to shorten, if it be his will, my trial; the hire- ling longs for his wages, but I have reason to do it with submission."

Thereafter he said, " My body has got such a hurt, that I believe I "will scarce recover it; and that is the thing that keeps all my body in a fire. The panting for want of breath is over ; but O it is the mercy of God that keeps me composed. This trouble of my bowels draws my stomach and all together as if it were with cords : and yet I must say, ' What am I, and what is my father's house, that God has brought me hitherto ?'" One said, " You have resigned yourself to his will and pleasure, and he vdll strengthen you with patience; he gives strength for the burden." He ansAvered, " Jle has done it hitherto. I have a heart warm to God, and I have a carnal heart too." One said, " Corruption will remain while in the body." He answered, " But I long to be away — to get a deliverance." One said, " In due time that will come." Then he said, " I am lying here, and the Lord helps me to wait for that consolation that is in Christ : that will fill me with admiration to eter- nity ; but I have already the pleasant peaceable fruits of righteousness, and sweet composure. I had what was Avorse than a thousand deaths, and he has held me by the hand."

To the ministers he said, " The Lord has been still with me. I am carnal; but I long for a deliverance from the remainder of a body of sin. I long for a

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deliverance from tliis trouble. If God lengthen it out, if he give more troubles, then why not? Righteous is his name. I know not what alteration may be. I long indeed for a share of that everlasting rest ; and I con- fess I am like a bird on the wing, and I would fain be at Immanuel's land, where the tree of life is. Well, all this is encouragement to you to acquaint yourselves with God. You see religion is advantageous; great is the gain of godliness. All these soft clothes are like sack- ing about me; and yet I have perfect ease of spirit. My breast is drawing together as sorely as if it Avere with cords; and still the Lord keeps composure. What is this ! I could have scarcely believed, though I had been told it, that I could have been kept in the right exercise of my judgment under this racking pain. The drawing of the breast seems to me to be as if I were all hung together, all pulled together; so that I would make that improvement : Whatever come of it, I am sure I am a demonstration that there is a reality in religion; and I rejoice in this, that God has honoured a sinful worm so as to be a demonstration of his grace. I am preach- ing the gospel — I have a dispensation committed to me. Shame belongs to me; I am a sinner; the praise of all belongs to him. Worthy is the Lamb to receive glory. I hope I shall shortly be at that glory I have been long expecting, though I come not near Mr. Shield's glory, nor Mr. Anderson's. Only, O if I were in, I shall be well enough; I shall be well enough when I win in. Dear friends about me, take the commendation at my hand. While I live, I must preach the gospel. He has given me a while yet here, that should be reckoned pre- cious, and I reckon it should be my work still to com- mend him. The word speaks, providence speaks in me; and if there be a despising of the gospel under this new discovery, take heed; it will still make it the

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worse with you. Glory to liim tliat ever lie revealed himself in me ! He is free in his love. I was wallow- ing in my blood; but he passed by, and cast his skirt over me. Like the kindly mother to the baini, at first it behoved to be cleansed and swaddled, and again cleansed, after that it is puddled ; so I shall be to cleanse to the end:"

To two ministers that tarried with him, when the rest went to church, he said, " I would desire a word read, and prayer, and if my head would endure I would fain hear singing. I do not now find any change, but there may be ; and I am the less concerned, because the Lord in some measure has taken away that inclination to limit him as to the hour; though ye may be sure the hireling longs for his wages." He caused read the 84th psalm, and sing the latter part of it, and pray. And after prayer, he having joined in singing, said, " I had always a mistuned voice, a bad ear, but which was worst of all, a mistuned heart; but shortly, when I join the temple- service above, there shall not be, world without end, one string of the afi"ections out of tune." And after that he caused one of the ministers read to him what Dr. Owen had of this temple-service above, in his book on the person of Christ. Often this day did he bless God he had been helped to give such a testimony to God's ways.

To some that came from church he said, " You have been in the assembly of God's people, the desirable as- sembly, wherein communion and fellowship with the Father and Son may be attained ; and all these enjoy- ments are among the most valuable to be had here, and they are the way to our rest, which remains for the people of God; but O to be joined with the company above! How amiable are thy tabernacles even here! but more so above, where there is the eagle's eye, that

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ean see a glorious light, even the light of the Lord. Now, our faith, even at its highest elevation here, when it looks to these things, they are so great, that we j^ass from our compearance — we are not ahle to behold them. Now, I hope in God; and, blessed be his name, though I was once well near the saying, ' My hope and strength is perished from the Lord,' yet the Lord rebuked that. My unbelief was very impudent in urging suggestions. A shadow of a difficulty will frighten, and lay me on my back. I am nothing, less than nothing — a vile sinner; but mercy does all, I bless his name; and he himself has said it, and done it; and now I am lying his debtor, not able to pay a mite of it."

Then to the ministers he said, " Now I would fain hear, sirs — hear of the gospel, hear of Christ." On which the ministers present discoursed a while of the promises of God, the faith and experiences of the saints in former times. " The Lord," said he, " has indeed dealt wonderfully with me. He has taken me out of the ' miry clay, and set my feet on a rock ;' he has come in the watches of the night, and calmed the -waves of the raging sea. I expected no smile when I took this trouble; and many a time I have been this winter at saying, I am like to be a branch that is withered, cast over the hedge. I brought all this strait on myself; and I thought, if I could win away, creeping with terrors, to be plunged into eternity with a perad ven- ture, it was fair. Praise is comely: I am one of the chief of siimers, very kindly dealt with ; whence is this to me!"

At night he said, " There will be a turn." One said, " Yea, no doubt of that ; your defluxion is already dried up." He said, "• I take shivers, so that I am hopeful it is my deliverance coming, under the conduct of the great Captain of salvation. I will shake hands with, the

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king of terrors; though one fit of sickness should but take away my tongue, another my ear, another my throat, I shall be content." One said, " That is a mercy." He said, " Yea, yea; the troubled sea, a mind fretting, rising up in rebeUion against God, is uneasy. I bless him, I got that mercy in the ^dolence of my trouble ; he kept me from daring to entertain a harsh thought of him — beheld me by the hand; and I see noAV what corruption is. Even while under the most of God and his goodness, I have been kept under a con- tinual fear of my ill heart. These are the two worst enemies I have — self, with its fair shows and secret in- sinuations; and unbelief, struggling hard against me. It is a mercy he gives me now and then, when I am able to speak, leave to follow the old trade — to preach and commend Christ; I think he has given me good cause. Sometimes I find it safer for my body and head, to hear others speaking."

After he had lain quiet a little, to his wife he said, " 0 my dear, I was just praying for you and your bairns, and commending you to your God, and my God — to our fathers' God." Being much troubled with the cough, he said, " There are no coughs in heaven."

In the night-time, he caused read the Songs of De- grees, and said, " They were so called by some, because they were sung on the steps of the stair that led up to the temple. And," said he, " what meeter to be read to a poor sinner, that aims at climbing up the hill of God, where the temple of God is ? Under the Old Tes- tament, it was only the high priest that was to enter within the most holy place, and that once a-year, and not without blood ; but now there is a way opened into the holiest of all for every believer."

One said, " I thought, sir, you were expressing your

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fears anent tlie times." He answered, " Yes, indeed; I am no prophet, I am not positive on the head, but I greatly fear a heavy stroke is coming on this land ; I fear the plague of God is coming on Scotland." One said, " The pestilence, sir, do you mean?" He said, " Yes, indeed, and a bloody sword also. Nay, it is what I feared these several years; and I bide by it, I am of the same mind still; and I do not see what way it is evitable without a miracle; and a miracle I do not expect : but seek to be established in the truth. These are like to be shaking times."

September 22. At half two, he asked what hour it was, and said, " Early in the morning my friends should be acquainted, because I do expect this cough will hasten the deliverance. The Lord can do it speedily; but in the meantime he will give me rest — rest with himself. "What needs a poor creature that has a prospect of such a rest, weary of outward trouble ? I am lying very composedly, glory to his name; I hope I am going to the land where there is a calm." One said, " You have no reason to doubt of that." He said, " No, no."

Then he renewed his discourse on the case of the church, and said, " Zion has been much upon my heart; I have had much tossing about the poor kirk of Scot- land. O what will come of it and the town of St. An- drews!" Then he expressed his fears of a stroke coming on all the churches — that God was about to give them a terrible shake. One said, " If so, I would fain hope it may be antichrist's last stroke." He answered, " Perhaps it may be so." He spoke of Mr. Hooker's denunciation of wrath against England, which is mentioned in the History of New England. " And," said he, " we are going to unite with the sins of France; what ground of fear may this be ! I fear persecution by the popish party." One said, " However, it is the more

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hopeful, that the reformed churches are Hkelj to he joined with us in the trial." He answered, " But I am very ap- prehensive that God is ahout to winnow the reformed churches indeed. Well, well," said he, " I shall get out of the dark cloud; ^vithin a Httle, I shall he in Abraham's bosom — yea, in the bosom of Him that * caiTies the lambs in his bosom ; ' and I am sure of goodness and mercy in great store, even all that is laid up for his people, to follow me. 0 he is good to a poor worm, the chief of sinners ! O let us exalt his name together ! It is the constant employ of all abore. They cease not day nor nio;ht — they see and sinof — they have a clear vision. 0 if I saw his lovely face, who is ' fairer than the sons of men;' yea, who is beyond the sun at noon-dav! 0 to be where there is no sin! How sweet has even this bed been, though sin remains, and my trouble is great ! yet I have been composed in the midst of my trouble. He can give heaven in the worst of cases. What shall I say ? how shall I conceal his goodness ?"

Thinking on the students of divinity, who were then separate in time of vacation, he dictated a letter, to be communicated to them at their next meeting; the copy whereof follows : —

" Dearly beloved in the Lord — my joy and hope, and the hope (shall I say?) of the church of Scotland, you are devoted to the study of the gospel, for pre- serving a seed to serve the Lord in the church of Scotland, in order to the continuance of the gospel with the rising generation. A prospect this is of the highest concern — the most honourable piece of service you can ever be employed in. This study, weakly as I cotild, I did endeavour to assist you in, according to the measure of the gift of Christ, in pubhc, in private, to

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the utmost that a fading hody would allow, and bej'-ond; yet with much pleasure and satisfaction, in hopes that the Lord one day might make my weak labours, and your vigorous studies, through his blessing, useful in the church of God, a blessing to posterity, and a high honour to yourselves. Want of health allowed me not what was in my heart to have done for your assistance and encouragement. And now I have no more left me but to give a sincere testimony of my entire affection for you, and that I have really the yearnings of a parent's bowels towards you, by signifying, in this short line, when upon a death- bed, and near the confines of eternity, that you may vigorousty ply that study, and rest not short of saving acquaintance with the power of divine truth, and experimental knowledge of the mystery of God and of Christ, diligently using all means that the word of God may dwell in you richly, and that ye may have treasures furnished richly with things new and old, and that ye may prove one day able ministers of the New Testament.

"But rest not, for the Lord's sake, and your own souls' sake, in the bare fruits of your own studies; but seek to be taught of God, that you may at once grow in grace and in the knowledge of God. Beware of curiosities and novelties in religion. Adhere, as you will be answerable, unto the doctrine of the church of Scotland, sincerely taught by your worthy and judicious master, whom ye are happy in, if you know your own mercy, and have grace given you to improve it. This is a time of abounding errors ; beware of drinking them in. Beware of an assuming boldness in the matters of God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of v.'isdom. "What man fears God, God will teach him the secret of his covenant. I have not time nor strength, being by the Lord's hand cut short, to write my mind distinctly

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to you. But since 1 am now very near eternity, loaded with the riches of God's goodness, I could not but by this line signify my sincere desire that you may be nourished up in the words of truth, and that you may use wholesome food, and be kept from poison. I re- commend to you, among human writings, for a true view of the mystery of the gospel, especially those of the great Dr. Owen; but the word of God, in dependence upon the Spirit of God, must be your study and medi- tation day and night. Words cannot express what I have found of God since I came to this bed of languish- ing; what advantage I have found of having minted at following that God, that truth, that gospel, which I re- commended to you; and, therefore, am bold to recom- mend to you this as the most noble, honourable, advantageous -work you can be employed in; and I am this day sui-e, from experience, that it is better to serve the Lord in the gospel of his Son, than to serve the greatest princes on earth in the highest station. If God help you in this service to be faithful, the reward is too great to be expressed.

" My thoughts, my words are swallowed up; and my affection towards you is such, that my body would quite sink to speak what is on my heart of love to you, and desire to have you acquainted with my dearest Lord, to whom I always was deeply obliged, but now am so much indebted, that I fear to mention how good he has been to my soul. O choose him, cleave to him, serve him, study to know more and more of him — live in communion with him ! Never rest till you reach eternal communion with him.

" This is all from your dying master. I have desired my brother-in-law to sign this in my name. A death- bed will excuse confusion. I wish nothing more than that, after you have done much service to the church

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here, I may have the happiness to hear you approven by the great Shepherd of the sheep.

"Tho. Halyburton."

To a minister he said, " I think, brother, my case is a pretty fair demonstration of the immortality of the soul." One said, " Your case may be confounding to atheists." Then he said, " Glory, glory for support, continued support to the chief of sinners! 0 that I could sing forth his praise ! Indeed I am patient ; yet not I, but the grace of God in me. ' Not I,' should always be at hand. Cursed self, cursed self, that robs God of his glory. Could I have believed (but I am an unbelieving body) that I could have had this plefisure and patience in this condition? Once or twice Satan was at the brangling of my faith. I wakened in a sort of carnal frame, and I thought I had lost my jewel; but now, I hope, he will stand by me to the end. If ever I was distinct in my judgment and memory in my life, it was since he laid his hand on me. Glory to him ! what shall I render to him ? My bones are riving through my skin, and yet all my bones are praising him. ' I said, I am cast out of thy sight, but I will look again towards thy holy temple.' The enemies of the gospel in St. Andrews shall have this among other things to answer for, that God has taken and singled me out for a monument of his mercy; but the design and upshot of it is, for the establishment and consolation of his own, and, I hope, for the engag- ing of some, it may be poor young things, to God. Glory to the Captain of salvation! O death, where is thy sting? 0 grave, where is thy victory? There is no curse of a broken law here ; I shall get the cool of the day."

To a minister that said, '"■ How are you, sir, to-day ?"

T

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he answered, " I bless his name, I am posting to eter- nity— to heaven."

To 'a gentlewoman he said, " Well, desirable neigh- bour, I am dying in a way that may confirm that God is good. Well, well, I am near heaven." Then he fainted, and said, " This is another messenger come for me.

When he was to take a little refreshment, in seeking a blessing he used these following expressions : " Glory to God in the highest that there is good will to men, and peace on earth ; glory, that life and immortality are brought to light. Help to put a cro^^^l on the Media- tor's head — grace's head. It will be our glory to eternity, to run deeper and deeper in debt. Glory to God, that a vile worm, the chief of sinners, is singled out to be a monument of his grace, and a trumpeter of his praise. Who is a God like unto thee?"

After he had taken the refreshment he said, " Trust him to all eternity; credit his word. I listened to unbelief since I came to this bed, and it had almost killed me; but God rebuked it. I sought the vic- tory by prayer; and God has given it; he is the hearer of prayer. I have not much more to do with death."

To one he said, " Another messenger comes for me — a cough. O man, I am kindly dealt with ! The Lord has done wonderful things. Only grace to be sober to the end; for our strength lies in him, not in us. 0 man this is an up-making for the residue of my days! Well, thirty-eight years come December £5th, is my age. Hezekiah said, ' I am cut off from the residue of my years ;' but I will not say so. God is giving me this to make up the residue of my years. The Lord is even washing away my body, to let us see that my spirit can live without it. I will not weary out his grace now.

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Brother, mind me, that the Lord may help me to honour him to the end. Ay, I shall he washed, and get white rohes, the crown on my head, and palms in my hands. I am calling you to see a miracle : God is melting me down into corruption and dust, and yet he is keeping me in a calm. O, who is like unto our God? ' Not unto us, not unto us, but to thy name, O Lord, be the praise. Our light afflictions, that endure but for a mo- ment, work out for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.' I shall get the martyr's crown, with the minister of Christ's crown ; and O but the martyr's crown is a glorious crown! I am now a witness for Christ, for the reality of religion; and I am suffering. It is given imto me, not only to believe, but to suffer for his name. I sought an increase of faith from our Lord Jesus, and our Lord has heard me ; and now it is but a little, and I shall get the crown. And though there be a little noisomeness about me, yet I am willing that you be spectators of it; for it is not for my sake that I meet with this, but for your establishment. Is there not a beauty in this providence?"

After a wrestling with defluxion in his throat he said, " The Lord has sent another messenger for me, to hasten me home. The other day I would have been away without this glorious evidence of the grace of God ; but this is more for my advantage, that I am thus tried and comforted. I am hastening, and I will not com- plain of the slow paces of time. I said, ' Why are his chariot- wheels so long a-coming?' but I will not say so any more. ' Yet a little while, and he that shall come ^vill come, and Avill not tarry.' ' Come here, all ye that fear the Lord, and I will tell you what he has done for my soul.' " Then he caused a minister pray, and said, " Pray that he may enable me for the last stroke, so that I may be a conqueror, and more than a conqueror."

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To liis son he said, "David, come, man; O seek tliy father's God. I am Hke the slave born in God's house, and I, my wife, and bairns, are the Lord's ; therefore let youi- ear be bored to his door-post, and be his servant for ever. And if you serve him, my God will bless you, he will bless you for ever. Come, my dear, your grand- father and grandmother are in heaven. Is it not hard, man, to die well, for them that do not know God in Christ? If you knew the sore skin that I have, you would cry and weep. I am not weeping nor crying. How glad would I be, if I knew my little stock, David, would be a witness for God, a sufferer for the name of Christ, striving and resisting even unto blood! I would rather have you such, than an emperor of the universe, and would rejoice more in it. Were I called to it, I would spend my blood, and go through fire and water for it."

Then he said, " If I should say that I would speak no more in the name of the Lord, it would be like a fire within my breast. I was early musing with myself how I would stand the shock, and be a martyr against popery: I lay one night musing about it, and slept none." *

When some looked at him as if they had been amazed, he said, " Why look ye stedfastly on me, as if by my might or power I were so? Not I, but the grace of God in me; it is the Spirit of God that supports me. I am here on a death-bed, going to heaven. It is but a little time, and corruption will be raised in incorrup- tion."

To his daughter he said, " Margaret, I charge you to seek early the God of your father; he is a wonder-work- ing God."

To his wife he said, " Be not discouraged, my dear, * This is to be found in the Memoirs of his Life.

i

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 293

at the unavoidable consequences of nature which I Avas under; it is an evidence that there is but a very httle, and death will be swallowed up in victory; the body will be shaken into pieces. I am washing away, blessed be God; and yet my head is as composed as it was before my sickness."

To another of his daughters he said, " Janet, O seek God; he is good; he will be a better father than 1 am: you are bom in his house. I have not a child, I have given you all to him; I leave you to the abundant grace of God. I am much concerned for the young generation; I fear they shall all cast at religion to- gether."

To a gentlewoman in the parish of Ceres he said, " Behold your dying minister; I am hastening to eter- nity, and hastening to heaven as fast as I can: I am dying in the faith of those truths I preached amongst you. You may remember I preached on that text, ' When I heard, my belly trembled; my lips quivered at the voice: rottenness entered into my bones, and I trembled in myself, that I might rest in the day of trouble' (Hab. iii. 16); then you may remember, I told you that there was a rest to the Lord's people even in trouble; and now I feel this rest. 0 I am well hired to all this ! I have perfect composure of spirit, per- fect peace, without any wandering, or anything that is the effect of disorder. 0 what wonderful poAver is that ! Tell my parishioners that my God is blessing me; that the single attempts I made at serving him in preaching the gospel of his Son, the Lord has already rewarded it to a miracle. Now I find the gospel the power of God to salvation, all sorts of salvation. All in our religion

is experimental, it will bide the proof. Well, Mrs. ,

God bless you, and bless your bairns, and make them a blessing to you. Seek God; make earnest of religion.

294 MEMOIRS OF THE

0 what shall I render to the Lord! Blessed be God that he gives so honourable an occasion to commend him/'

To one of his children he said, " If you forsake the God of your father, that has been so kind to me, this will be a witness against you. Here I am a witness that our Rock is not as their rock/*

Then to some present he said, " My moisture is much exhausted this night; but the dew lies all night on my branches — the dew that waits not for man, nor tarries for the sons of men. O, what cannot grace do ? How often have I formerly fretted and repined at the hundredth part of the trouble I have on my body now ! Here you see a man dying a monument of the glorious power of admirable, astonishing grace : and ' generations to come shall called me blessed.' Follow my advice — study the poicer of religion : it is the power of religion, and not a name, that will give the comfort I find. Now, sirs, here is something to be improved for a while, it will take telling: there is telling in this providence; it will cost me telling to eternity. If there be such a glory in his conduct about me now, 0 what will be in that, to see the Lamb in the midst of the throne; to see the Lamb that was slain, in the midst of the throne — the Lamb that has the seven horns, and the seven eyes?

1 have peace in the midst of pain ; and O how much of that I have had for a time past! My peace has been like a river — not a discomposed thought. There have been some little suggestions since I got the great as- sault of my enemies in one league together. I got one assault, and I was like to fall; but since the Lord re- buked them, there is not a discomposed thought, but all calm."

To the ministers he said, " Brethren, bless God on my behalf, and pray that I may be helped. I have been

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 295

grappling with the king of terrors, and I find he is conquerable. I found the ratthng of his drum in my throat,* and I was not affrighted. I am melting away bravely."

To two of the students he said, " Well, lads, you see your dying master, confined within these four bed-posts, and by the grace of God he is what he is; he is dying as one unto whom the Lord is showing himself mar- vellously good. This is no raving of a sick man ; I bless God I never had my judgment more distinct all my days — an evidence of the reality of religion." AVhen the defluxion came up, he called for a Httle twist, and said, " I think all the substance of my body shall evacuate this way ;" but, with a smiling countenance, added, " It is welcome : now my body is wasting like a 2)iece of a brae by a mighty cmTent; and yet the power of God keeps me up."

To a gentlewoman he said, " You are come to see your old dying friend — a wonder indeed, but a wonder of mercy. I have preached from the pulpit, but now I am preaching from a death-bed; and I would be content, if sensible presence were continued, to speak till flesh and bones were washen and wasted to nothing. Labour to get a clear view of Him. The God of glory appeared to me; and the first sight I got of him was such as it won my heart to him, so as it was never loosed ; though I have had many wanderings, yet I can say, I was never myself, till I won back to the centre again. Follow me, take my word for it, he is a good master; ye will never rue the service, and I am well hired to it." He took a Httle rattle in his throat, and said, " This may be irk- some to you; but every messenger of death is pleasant to me, and I am only detained here that I may trumpet forth his praise a little longer."

* Meaning the choking defluxion in his throat.

296 MEMOIRS OF THE

About noon he said, " I was just thinking on the pleasant spot of earth that I will get to lie in, beside Mr. Rutherford, Mr. Forrester, Principal Anderson, &c. And I will come in as the little one among them, and I will get my pleasant George in my hand; and, O, we will be a knot of bonnie""' dust." Then he said, " It will not be all my sore bones that will make me weary yet (as long as God gives me a tongue to speak, and judgment to conceive) to preach his gospel."

He broke out in frequent admiration with the greatest warmness at what he felt. " Strange !" said he, " this body is wasting away to corruption; and yet my in- tellect is so lively, that I cannot say there is the least alteration, the least decay of judgment or memory; such vigorous actings of my spirit toward God, and things that are not seen ! But," said he, " not I, not I, but the grace of God in me. ' Not unto us, not unto us;' which still I must have on my heart, since cursed self is apt to steal glory iVom God : here I must watch lest the enemy give me a wound."

Then to some ministers when they came in, he said, " What a demonstration has God given you and me of the immortality of the soul by the vigour of my intellect and the lively actings of my spirit after God and the things of God, now when my body is so low, and also pained ! "

At night he fell very weak, and after a sore conflict, prayer being ended, he said, " Ebenezer." One said, " The Lord has helped hitherto, and he will help."

Some time thereafter he said, "Good is the will of the Lord; and every one of these throes is good, and I must not want one of them : I must not flee from my post, but stand as a sentinel, for this is my particular

* Comely.

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 297

work. This would be hard work without Christ ; but it is easy, having him the Captain of salvation.

He complained of his head, but said, " In a battle there must be blood and dust : ' Every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood.' It is meet that I should be so hard put to it, that I may know to whom I owe my strength. 0 that I were at the throne above, that my glimmering sight were taken away, that this unsteady faith might ter- minate in perfect vision ! "

Then, looking to a minister, he said, " This is Gymna- sium." And some who stood by asking what that word meant, he said, "It was a school for exercise, a place where they wrestled and fought naked; and I am in agony, and wrestling with the king of terrors." " But," said the minister, " you will obtain the victory through the Captain of salvation, who, you know, is able to keep what you have committed to him."

When he revived, after a severe shock, he said, " I am defeated;" and added, ''I am shipwrecked into health again." One said, " But you have still a plea- sant view of an end of all your pain and trouble, in that land ' where the inhabitant shall not say he is sick.' At which he gave pleasant looks and smiles, and turned up his eyes and hands while he was not able to speak.

One said, " ' Blessed are they that die in the Lord;' there is much that goes before, along with, and after it. ' We groan in this tabernacle, being burdened;' not simply that we would be dissolved, but ' clothed upon with our house which is from heaven.' " Then he said, " AVhen I fall so low that I am not able to speak, I will show you a sign of triumph when I am near glory, if I be able.

Then he was for a while very low, he swooned, and thereafter, as prayer was ended, he revived a little.

298 MEMOIRS OF THE

One said, *' Had you no trouble?" He answered, " No, I knew not where I was ; I know nothing about it. Yea, yea; 'he can do no iniquity.' It is meet there should be a trial. I am wonderfully helped, beyond the power of nature. If my mouth be not wet every moment, it is as hot as fire."

Then he said, " The conflict is pretty long, but blessed be he that gives patience. I am mightily spent." One said, "Shall we pray a short word?" He answered, " Yes."

Thereafter one said, " That tabernacle will be repaired again in a more glorious manner. ' Our vile bodies will be fashioned like unto his glorious body." " Then ho said, " I am very well pleased if the Lord take me away now. The Lord has allowed me long exercise of thoughts about my condition."

A little after that he said, " Lord, pity ! "

Long after, being like to vomit, he said, " I am effectually choked." Then he said, " I desire to ad- here to the Lord; — but I am like to be quite choked with defluxion." He had elevated looks, and cried, "Pity, pity. Lord!"

To his wife he said, " My dear, be not discouraged, though I should go away in a fainting fit. The Lord's way is the best way; and I am composed."

To some others he said, " You need not be discou- raged, sirs; what if I should go away with a fit of vomiting or fainting — ^it is all one. I did not know whether I was up or down."

After that he said, " Though my body be sufficiently teased, yet my spirit is untouched."

One said, " You seem to be near the crown that you have been wrestling so long for." He cried, " Free grace ! free grace ! — not unto me." Speaking of his body, he said, " Why should it not go to dust?"

LIFE OF REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 299

One said, " You have been crying much to God, that he would be with you ; and I doubt not but you are finding it now." He said, " Yes." One said, " Now you are putting your seal to that truth, that great is the gain of godliness." He answered, " Yes, indeed." One said, " And I hope you are encouraging yourself in the Lord." As a sign of it, he lifted up his hands and clapped them, when he could not speak.

Then in a little he went to the land "where the weary are at rest."

He spoke little the last six hours before his death, only some broken sentences, which mth difficulty were understood; but urged the ministers present with him to discourse to him, and often cried, "Pray, pray;" which was done by five or six ministers, till he fell asleep in the Lord, which was about seven in the morning, September 23, 1712.

\

APPENDIX.

BY THE EDITOR.

As the public incidents which occurred in the church of Scotland during the life of Halyburton are either omitted or but briefly adverted to in this work, it may not be unnecessary to give a brief sketch of these, in order to illustrate the times in which he lived, and the events with which he was connected.

That eminent Christian and divine, who has so minutely analyzed the formation of his spiritual cha- racter in the foregoing pages, may be said to have been born to a patrimony of persecution. Scotland was meted out and trodden down by armed oppressors ; the apostate Sharp and his ruthless coadjutors were trium- phant in the council ; and the fruits of this evil ascend- ency were fine and imprisonment, torture and execution. Neither was Fifeshire, the native county of Halyburton, the least distinguished among the suffering districts, nor his father's house among its suffering families ; for he was the son of a minister ejected from his sacred charge for the then unpardonable crime of thorough devoted- ness to the supremacy of Christ. During his infancy a series of oppressive enactments were established, by which the houses of the obnoxious Presbyterians were garrisoned with an insolent soldiery, field meetings violently broken up and dispersed, the ministers seized

302 APPENDIX.

and thro'\\Ti into prison ; and, finally, the worse than popish law of " intercommuning," by which every sub- ject was forbidden, under the penalty of high treason, to shelter, to feed, or even to accost, his dearest friend or kinsman, hunted like a partridge among the moun- tains, and dying, it might be, of cold, hunger, and weari- ness. No rank was respected, no sex exempt, no pri- vacy secure, amidst such ruthless persecution ; and therefore, the lowly cottage of the widowed mother of Halyburton was menaced, as well as the grange or the time-honoured mansion ; and the touching announce- ment of her fleeing to Holland ^yiih her two infants, in 1685, was such an event as was of every-day occurrence at this trying period. And, indeed, to withdraw in this manner was almost as dangerous as to remain; for, among other oppressive laws by which the presbyterians of Scotland we^^e to be cooped up and exterminated, there was one in active operation, by which people were prohibited from leaving the country without license. In such an emergency, Holland lay temptingly open to the fugitives. As a presbyterian country, it welcomed those who suffered for congenial principles ; as a free republic, its laws protected them from the enemy ; and its friendly shores were nearest to Scotland, and easiest of access. And there the exiles reciprocated the wel- come with which they were cherished, by the martyr spirit and Christian energy and intelligence which they imported into the land of their temporary sojourn.

The time of Halyburton's residence in Holland did not long continue, for, as he informs us, he returned with his mother about August or September 1687. But during these two years of exile important changes had taken place in his native country, through which he was enabled to come home unmolested. James II., after having continued for some time the persecutions in Scotland, with a rancour at least equal to that of his brother, conceived that the time was ripe for the execu- tion of the darling project of his life — the restoration of popery. His first movement in this attempt, therefore, was to relax the papists from the penal statutes and disqualifications under which they laboured, in ordel* to prepare for their entrance into political power and office.

APPENDIX. 303

But as this could not be accompllslied without a similar boon to the other parties, who were also suffering for their religion, he resolved to advance warily to his object, under the plausible mask of universal toleration. Even Scotland was to be comprised within these healing measures, although it was but gradually, and with chur- lish reluctance. On the 12th of February 1687, a royal proclamation was * sent to the council, in which his majesty declared a toleration to moderate presbyterians, and permission for them to meet for worship. But this was only to be in private houses ; and the ministrations were only to be performed by indulged ministers, or those who Avere willing to conform to the indulgence ; while the papists, by the same proclamation, were re- leased from all acts and restrictions passed against them in the exercise of their religion, and made eligible to every office of public trust. This partiality was, on his part, a grievous political blunder ; for, while it only roused the suspicions of all parties, and put them on their guard, the presbyterians rejected their share of it with contempt. On the 31st of March, a second pro- clamation was issued, by which presbyterian ministers, whether indulged or not, were permitted to preach in private houses during his majesty's pleasure ; but al- though this permission was gladly embraced, as an opportunity of usefulness, by many of the persecuted ministers, it was by no means regarded as a proper restoration to all their national rights and religious privileges. At length, a third indulgence arrived in Edinburgh upon the 5th of July. In this, all penal laws against presbyterians were suspended, and full permission was given them to assemble for worship, whether in private houses, chapels, or places built or hired for that use ; — with the proviso, however, that all the laws against field-preaching should still continue in force, there being, as was alleged, no excuse left for such a practice, after this full toleration. By this last enactment, the banished ministers were enabled to return to their Hocks, and pining exiles to their homes. Still, however, the re-establishment of popery was as distant and difficult as ever. This plan, suggested by Jesuit confessors and counsellors, like many other Jesuit

304 APPENDIX.

refinements, ^vas too cunning to be either wise or prac- tical, and James, by his immunities to the various sects, found that he had only strengthened the presbyterianism of Scotland, and the puritanism of England, against the accomplishment of his own purposes. But still he per- sisted in his career with a rashness that insured its failure ; and the result is well known. James was soon an outcast and a fugitive, and William of Orange occu- pied his throne.

The hasty flight of James sufficed to crush whatever remains of popery had attempted to rally in Scotland. The students and apprentices of Edinburgh rose in arms, drove out the military garrison that occupied the palace of Holyrood, and demolished the images and idolatrous emblems that had been set up under the authority of the late king, while the duke of Perth, the papist chancellor of the kingdom, fled from the capital; the papists were everywhere disarmed, and the council dissolved itself, each member stealing away like a defaulter. Still grow- ing in strength and courage, the people then turned upon the prelatic intruders, many of whom they drove from the churches and manses, which had been withheld fi'om their rightful owners. And what was to be done with James and AVilliam — with the king de jure and the king de facto ? This question with the people of Eng- land was still a logical dilemma; but when the Scottish convention of estates assembled on the 14th of March, 1689, they showed a perspicuity of judgment and bold- ness of decision which materially influenced the great national movement, and strengthened the interests of William. Instead of nicely mincing terms, as the Eng- lish convention had done, and distinguishing between abdication and desertion^ they boldly declared that by his unconstitutional and evil deeds, the fugitive king had forfeited all right to the crown of Scotland, of which they made a tender to William and Mary. This offer they also accompanied with a declaration of rights, which went farther than that of the English parliament, and defined the liberty of the subject with greater clear- ness and precision. These, indeed, were the very prin- ciples for which they had been contending and suft'ering during twenty-eight years of fierce persecution, and

APPENDIX. 305

which, therefore, they understood too well and valued too highly to neglect in the present emergency. As it had heen stipulated, also, that none who were protestants should be debarred from attending and voting at this convention, sound presbyterian members were returned in great numbers, while their sitting was protected from Claverhouse and the duke of Gordon, by armed bands of Cameronians, who kept the castle in awe, and pre- served order in the to"v\ii.

The Act of revolution settlement was thus passed, and William established upon the throne of the three king- doms. As he was himself a presbyterian, and so highly indebted for his elevation to presbyterians, it was not too much for them to expect that they should be re- stored to all their former rights and immunities. They wanted nothing more ; and this, indeed, they were entitled to demand as a matter of right, as well as a debt of gTatitude. But, unfortunately for the interests of our church, William was a politician as well as a Christian. Considered by many of his new subjects as a mere usurper, he resolved to forego no jot of the royal prero- gative; and having a divided people to rule, he hoped, by sharing his favours equally, to obtain the good- will and co-operation of all. His better feelings would cer- tainly have induced him to afford full restitution to the Scottish church; but he was withheld by the fear of giving offence to the hierarchy of England, and the episcopacy of Scotland. And thus he wavered or hesi- tated, when a bold, onward, conscientious course Avould have been the wiser as well as the better proceeding; and, as is generally the case in such compromising expe- riments, he lost the confidence of the one party without securing the gratitude of the other. In this way he weakened his position as a legitimate sovereign of Bri- tain, and so greatly complicated his political difficulties, that he often sighed at the remembrance of former days, when he occupied a more humble but less troublesome seat, as prince of Orange and captain-general of the Netherlands.

But, indeed, the condition of the Scottish church at this time was enough to baffle every common rule of statesmanship, and nothing would have sufficed but the

u

oOG APPENDIX.

application of those principles wliicli proceed from a higher and holier source. But Avlien do statesmen legislate and govern according to the directions of the Bible? William looked stedfastly upon the tempes- tuous sea of difficulties, and put his faith in the ship- man's card. Of more than four hundred ministers who had been thrust from their charges during the period of persecution, not more than sixty sur^dved, and these mostly beyond the prime of life; while against this wasted remnant were arrayed the papists, the prelatists, and the Jacobites, comprising a large amount of the aristocracy and political influence of the country. But to come more closely to the evil — the bulk of the clergy who now held livings, consisted of those who had either entirely conformed to episcopacy, or given a partial submission, by accepting the " black indulgence." To reconcile these two great divisions in the church, as well as to unite England and Scotland more closely, William imagined that nothing more was needed than to esta- blish in the latter a modified episcopacy. Episcopacy in Scotland! — was then the recent persecution a dream ? The sons of the covenant, though faint and bleeding, were not conquered yet; and they would have renewed the conflict until the last man had perished upon the last hill-top, rather than succumb to an episcopal rule, however modified. The king was soon convinced of this, and therefore he stopped short and kept silent. He saw that the utmost he could do was to watch the current of events, and divert, if possible, every eccle- siastical movement to the furtherance of his own politi- cal purposes.

In the meeting of the Scottish parliament which was held in April 10*90, several important resolutions were passed, restorative of the liberties of the church. By one of these, the act of supremacy, that great stumbling- block of presbyterianism, was abrogated; by another, the ministers who had been ejected since 1661 were restored to their charges; and on the 7th of June, presbyterianism itself was legally established, the Con- fession of Faith ratified, and prelacy condemned as a " great and unsupportable grievance" in Scotland, which had been " reformed from popery by presbyters." And

APPENDIX. 307

on the 19th of the ensuing month, patronage was con- demned and abrogated, the patrons being allowed, in compensation, the sum of six hundred merks, to be raised from the heritors and life-renters of the parish. In order that these important regulations might be carried into full execution, the general assembly met on the 16th of October; and the commission which it ap- pointed was authorized to visit the churches, rectify abuses, and inquire into the state of religion and the conduct of ministers throughout the realm; and in consequence of this last clause, several clergj^men of notoriously immoral lives were deposed from their charges, and excluded from the ministry.

These concessions in favour of presbytery produced a counter movement from the hostile party. The pre- latists who were depressed or deposed, complained of the hardships they sustained from their opponents; the Jacobites, who saw no hope for the restoration of des- potism and the Stuarts, so long as this stubborn pres- byterianism was favoured, joined in the outcry; and so loud and deep was the clamorous remonstrance, that it startled the ears of the king. To silence these complaints, he wrote once and again to the commission, urging the admission of the prelatic clergy into the national church, and a full share in its government. This unconstitu- tional proposal was modestly but firmly refused ; upon which William, to evince his displeasure, adjourned the meeting of the general assembly that had been appoint- ed for November 1691 to January 1692. The members met accordingly at the last-mentioned date, when they were reproached for their late recusancy in a letter from the king: the missive also required that those ministers of the episcopal persuasion who were willing to sign the Confession of Faith, should not only retain their churches and benefices, but be allowed a place in the church courts ; and that the commission should be com- posed of an equal number of presbyterian and prelatic members. This demand, so unreasonable in itself, and so destructive of the principles of the church, was also refused; upon which the earl of Lothian, who presided as king's commissioner, after fruitless attempts to obtain their consent, declcU-ed the assembly to be dissolved

308 APPENDIX.

That stretch of authority was met in a spirit of peace and concihation. The moderator, after protesting that the present dissolution and their compliance should not prejudge their right to meet annually according to established rule, dismissed the meeting with the usual devotional forms.

A proceeding so arbitrary, while it went far to alie- nate the affections of the Scots from the king, who now needed all the faithful hearts he could muster, em- baiTassed the progress of the church. The king had named no day for the next meeting of the general assembly, but the brethren resolved to hold it upon that which their moderator had appointed. Here was an awkward collision with the royal authority, which, if persevered in, might have been attended with perilous consequences. But here, too, the church conceded. The ministers respectfully petitioned for the holding of an assembly, and the king was prevailed upon to com - ply. But before the meeting, a still more deadly blow than those that had preceded was inflicted upon the liberties of the church, by the parliament, during its sitting. An oath of assurance, as the test was termed, v/as to be taken by the ministers of the Scottish church, in which they were to acknowledge William and Mary as king and queen de jure^ as well as de facto; and by another enactment, those ministers of the epis- copal stamp who had not yet given in their adhesion, might qualify themselves to hold their livings and vote in church courts, by taking this oath. A proviso was also added, that should the church refuse to admit them after having so qualified, they should still be secured in the possession of their churches, stipends, and manses. Thus the distinction was broadly draAATi, between the indefeasible right of the church on the one hand, to invest with ecclesiastical authority such ofiice- bearers as she judged fitting, or to reject them, while that of the civjl authority was maintained on the other, of bestowing the temporalities of the benefice. But while the presbyterians were shocked at the idea of malcing a civil test the qualification for government in the church, the prelatists rejected it as incompatible with their reli- gious professions, and their attachment to the old

APPENDIX. 309

dynasty. For the present, therefore, tlie test was little more than a dead letter. The episcopal clergy, hoping daily for the restoration of James, and the unqualified ascendency of their cause, were in no haste to make submission ; while the other party, conscious of the royal desire to amalgamate the two churches, showed no remarkable eagerness, either to persecute or proselytize their nonjuring brethren. It was only after years of disappointment that the prelatists yielded, and sub- mitted to the qualification. With hearts still yearning for lordly bishoprics, and afi:ections lingering in the Jacobite com-t of St. Germain, they subscribed the Confession of Faith, acknowledged presbyterian government in the church, promised conformity to its discipline and w^or- ship, and swallowed without scruple the oath that abjured the Stuarts and acknowledged the rights of the new dynasty; and thus, by joining themselves to the lax or moderate party in the Church, already too numerous and powerful, they established that unfor- tunate ascendency which has gone on from generation to generation, and the bitter consequences of which will continue to be experienced by myriads yet unborn.

In the meantime the general assembly, which had been postponed in 1693, did not meet till March in the following year; and that meeting was not without its full amount of peril and importance. The ministers were required, before acting as a court, to take the oaths of allegiance and assurance. These they refused, as undue conditions imposed upon their ecclesiastical rights, and in virtue of these rights they resolved to hold their assembly notwithstanding. Their conscientious repug- nance to the oaths was likewise imbittered by the fact, that these w^ere not required in the present instance from the prelatic clergymen also. Here, again, the civil and ecclesiastical authority were brought front to front for a trial of mastery. The king was resolved to persevere in his demands, while the presbyterian clergy felt as if they had already yielded enough, and perhaps too much. In this dilemma, the latter sent an ample statement of their case to Carstares, the trusted adviser of William in Scottish ecclesiastical affairs, who was then in Lon- don; and at the same time the commissioner wrote to

310 APPENDIX.

the king, explaining his difficulties, and requesting further instructions. The last-mentioned statement was the first to arrive; and William, to whom the conduct of the churchmen was represented as obstinate and rebel- lious, returned an answer enforcing his demands in terms more stringent than before. In another hour the packet would have been on its way northward ; it would have brought the assembly to the point of instant and irrevocable decision; and thus the disruption in the Scottish church would have been antedated by a century and a -half. But the church was spared a trial for which she was not yet ripe, by one of those incidents in which we recognise the divine hand inscribing upon the palace wall for the warning of kings and princes. Carstares, who arrived late in the evening at his dwell- ing, perused the despatches of the ministers with alarm : he instantly repaired to the king's messenger, demanded back, in his majesty's name, the commission with which he was intrusted, and then hastened to the palace. The lord in waiting told him that his majesty was asleep; ])ut the stout-hearted Scot, to whom life or death was at present indifferent, strode onward to the royal bed-room, fell down upon his knees, and aAvakened the king. The latter, in astonishment, demanded the cause of this ab- rupt intrusion. " I come," cried Carstares, " to beg my life!" He then explained the treasonable deed he had just committed in intercepting the royal message. The king froAvned, but Carstares, after offering to submit to any punishment, unfolded the consequences wliich would inevitably take place in Scotland, if the orders were sent down. William, at last con\4nced by his statements, ordered him to throw the packet into the fire, and draw up new instructions to the commissioner, according to his own views of the case. This was done immediately, and the messenger, who was commanded to use the utmost speed, arrived at Edinburgh with a dispensation from the obnoxious oaths, on the day of the assembly's meeting. The fearful crash was thus avoided as by a hair's- breadth, and the members recog- nised in this wondrous deliverance the directing hand of God.

The affairs of the church proceeded peacefully and

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prosperously for the next four years, the only measure tliat passed in parliament connected ^vith them being that of 1698, distinguished by the uncouth title of the Rabbling Act. To explain the circumstances in which it originated, it is necessary to mention, that although patronage had been abolished, the prelatists had endea- voured to elude the abrogation, by deeds that exhibited the very worst features of the intrusion principle. Re- fusing to take the oaths to government, they not only retained in many cases the usurped occupation of their charges, but even violently thrust themselves into those churches where presbyterian ministers were already placed. This they had continued to do since 1689, when they were expelled from their livings by a decree of the privy council. It was especially in the northern counties that these forcible entries had been effected ; for there, the aristocracy, who were chiefly prelatists and Jacobites, gave their cordial support to the intrusive divines, and kept them in their places. But when the power of these magnates was broken by the abolition of patronage, another plan was adopted to bring the popu- lar election of the presbyterian ministers into contempt. At this period, a large jjortion of the Scottish popula- tion, in fact a fifth part of it, was composed of vagrants whom the late era of misrule had flung loose upon society, men without moral principle, and who had no visible means of subsistence, so that any amount of nioh could be enlisted at a very short notice, for any sort of outbreak, however lawless. On this account, when a minister was to be inducted, a hired gang of ruffians was often extemporized to oppose his entrance — men of no parish and no religion, but who were supposed for the time to represent the wishes and the interests of the par- ticular flock. And this wild rabblement was sneeringly alluded to as the index of a " harmonious call," by those who had set the mischief in motion! It was to prevent these unseemly and treasonable machinations that the law was now made.

In 1702 an event occurred of momentous interest to our national church. When the general assembly met on the 6tli of March, the king was dying, and on the thiyd day following, he expired at Kensington, after

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a reign of thii'teen years. By tliis mournful event the church of Scotkmd lost an affectionate friend, as well as a powerful protector. It is true, indeed, that his tem- porizing policy inflicted, in many cases, such evils upon its constitution and government as prepared the way for fmlher and lasting deterioration. But this was done at unawares, and without the consciousness of hostility, while, on the other hand, he continued to cherish and advance it as far as his knowledge of its interests extended. His loss was soon felt by the sin- cere friends of Scottish liberty and religion ; and much as he had unwittingly done to make the church Eras- tian, his demise was succeeded by hostile and malignant influences that made it more Erastian still.

Even upon the accession of Anne, these influences were visibly at work. In 1703, the royal letter of the new sovereign to the general assembly was coldly and scrupulously worded, and the government of the Scottish church was characterized simply as being " acceptable to the inclinations of the people, and established by the laws of the kingdom " — as if it were a mere popular caprice, humoured by permission of the state; and leaving it to be inferred that what the laws had done, they might again undo at pleasure ! The assembly, in reply, took elevated ground, by declaring that pres- bytery was " settled as agi'eeable to the word of God, and most conducive to the advancement of true piety and godliness, and the establishment of peace and tranquillity; and therefore to be the only government of Christ's church within this kingdom." It was, indeed, time for the members to bestir themselves, and, there- fore, they discussed and maintained the inherent right of church courts to meet, deliberate, and decide upon all ecclesiastical matters, independently of the civil autho- rity. These sentiments were anything but palatable to lord Seafield, the commissioner, who forthwith dis- solved the assembly in the queen's name. The prelatists were jubilant in the hope that now their own day of triumph was at hand; but here they were disappointed, for the presbyterians stood Arm to their principles, and the very words which they had used in expressing them were ratified by an act of parliament. On the follow-

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ing year, also, the same decisive language \A'as used by the assembly, and those rights were asserted and confirmed, the discussion of which had occasioned the previous dissolution.

It was well indeed that at such a time as the present this heroic stand was made, and these rights defined and esta1)lished, for a national change was at hand, in which, otherwise, they might have been absorbed or compromised. We allude to the union — that gi-eatest of epochs in our national history. This consummation, "which had been the favourite aim of every English so- vereign since the time of Edward I., had been alter- nately attempted by conquest, Iby intermarriage, and by negotiation ; but in every case inefi"ectually, owing to the rival jealousy of the two nations, and the injuries they had mutually inflicted. Even upon the accession of the Stuarts to the throne of England, the connection between them was nothing more than a political alli- ance, in which the crowns, but not the people, Avere united ; for Scotland had still her own independent par- liament, and the invasion of England by the cove- nanters was an incident of recent remembrance. And still, also, in the event of any national disagreement, the Scots might have been persuaded to recall their heredi- tary Stuarts, and renew their ancient league with France ; in which case our fair island would have become the prey of intestine war, combined with foreign ambition. To prevent these evils, and develop the growing powers of the two kindred nations by making them one people, was now the prevalent wish of the politicians of both countries, and the present crisis appeared the fittest for the accomplishment of this important measure.

And yet, though the period was the most promising that had hitherto occurred, the difficulties that inter- vened appeared all but insurmountable. Scottish pride would not forego the feeling of national identity, and Scottish poverty could not think of sharing the pecuni- ary responsibilities of wealthy England. Give up their nationality, and that by free will ! — it was a new claim in the history of nations. But still more intensely than these patriotic feelings, were the religious principles, which seemed to preclude every possibility of a union.

314 APPENDIX.

The overbearing episcopacy of England had lately trampled down the Scottish church, and crushed its most venerated supporters, and yet the assailants had been driven back, even as the armies of England had been in the days of open hostility ; but now, poor Scot- land was required to submit to vassalage without stroke of sword ! " And then, too," said our brave-hearted ancestors, " episcopacy will become predominant, either by force of law where the bulk of the parliament are members, and the bishops sit as legislators, or by the natural ascendency of bishoped England, in which the wealth and political influence of the whole island will be naturally concentrated." The Cameronians, also, at this time a very formidable body, repudiated the idea of a union with England, as a complete violation of the covenants, which had been sworn by both kingdoms, and were ready, if need should be, to resist it with those swords that had w^aved defiance to the persecutor. So great was the intensity of these feelings, both religious and political, that even yet the union must have been indefinitely postponed. But the church of Scotland was first of all propitiated. Before the articles of union were proposed, an act of security was passed, in which the Confession of Faith and presbyterian form of church government were declared to be confirmed and established to all future generations " without any alteration thereof, or derogation thereto, in any sort, for ever." This, and this alone, was declared to be the basis of the treaty, Avithout which no union between the kingdoms w^as compatible. It will be the office of history to announce to future generations, in its record of violated treaties, so characteristic of the present day, whether this solemn national guarantee has been faithfully and devoutly maintained.

Whatever the political aggrandizement of Scotland may have been by this union, the proximate effects upon our church were of the most mournful character. In accomplishing so great a movement, and to which so many interests were opposed, golden bribes were lavishly showered upon the needy northern aristocracy ; and their patriotism, never very disinterested at any period, was so debauched by the stimulant, that they hurried to

APPENDIX. 315

London in fiill cry after court fiivour, where the price of every office of profit and trust was a subscription to episcopacy, by kneeling at the communion table. The hands of Jacobitism were strengthened througli the political national discontent; and prelatism, in full glee, was anticipating the restoration of the Stuarts, and afterwards its own predominance, as a natural sequel. And as for the devotedness of the people at large to their ministers, even that too was wofully shaken. They felt as if the clergy had not done their duty in resisting the national calamity; for they considered that the union, let it be glozed by whatever terms, was nothing more than a base compromise, and hateful vassalage to the overbearing predominance of England.

Our narrow limits do not permit us to descend into the particulars of the history of our church after this im- portant transaction. All that we can do, is briefly to al- lude to their general bearings and results, in which it will be found that every hostile political influence was brought to bear against it, so that the worst ecclesiastical evils that had been anticipated from the imion w^ere realized. And, first of these, we Avould specify the Scottish aristocracy, men who in former vears had either been leagued against the sacred cause, or had stood selfishly aloof, and looked coldly on while it was oppressed and persecuted. To them Avas conceded the right of determining what new churches should be erected, to correspond with the rise of new towns and villages, and the general increase of the population ; and thus, from the parsimony of Scot- tish heritors, it became all but impossible to expand the limits of the church beyond the narrow verge which a more scanty age had assigned to it. Hence, in after periods, was so often exhibited the unseemly anomaly in Scotland of populous settlements and growing dis- tricts stinted to the inadequate religious provision of a single parish, or even with none whatever. Another great evil which commenced at this period, but was fated to expand into portentous growth, was the practice of carrying appeals from the sentences of church courts to the final adjudication of the civil tribunal. Just one year before the death of Halyburton, a sentence against an episcopal minister was, in this manner, carried to the

316 APPENDIX.

house of lords, by whom it was reversed, and the magi- strates of Edinburgh heavily fined for having carried it into execution. But the most malignant of all the evil influences of the day was that of Jacolntism. Men had not yet disenthralled themselves of their old popish and feudal superstitions respecting the sanctity of the sove- reign office, and the unlimited right of kings; and in their eyes, the revolution Avas a foul rebellion, and the restoration of the Stuarts a most sacred and imperative duty. But besides these political fanatics, there were crowds of disappointed statesmen and their hangers-on; expectants and self-seekers, to whom the present go vernment was unpalatable because it brought them no profit, and who hoped by the restoration of the exiled djTiasty, let the consequences to others be what they might, to build up their own decayed fortunes and gratify their inordinate ambition. These two classes, who were combined in a common cause, were conscious of the bold front which the church of Scotland would present against the return of despotism and the Stuarts, and, therefore, endeavom*ed, by whatever means, to rend its unity and paralyze its usefulness. And in this they succeeded but too well. Their chief movement at this time was one which troubled the death-bed of Halybur- ton. It consisted of the abjuration oath, which was so worded as to give offence to the consciences of the more strict presbyterians ; and thus the taking or refusing it became in too many instances the popular test of a minister s faithfulness or unsoundness. This was one of many deadly wedges introduced into the still unclosed rents of the church ; and it divided between parish and parish, between pastors and their flocks, and between ministers and their brethren. Halyburton, as we find (see pp. 238-9), both deplored and deprecated these fatal consequences. His language upon the subject to his family, also, in the paper which he dictated in his last sickness, is touching in the extreme, from the spirit of Christian love and charity which it breathes amidst such keen contention : — " I leave this one advice more to my family, that whereas we have a prospect of divisions, and different apprehensions and practices among ministers and people,particularly about this oath of abjuration, be-

APPENDIX. 317

ware of interesting yourselves in that difference, or enter- taining prejudices against ministers upon the one hand or the other : there will be faithful ministers on both sides, and on either hand they will act sincerely, according to their light: whoever shall be accessary to the weaken- ing of any of their hands, will find no peace in it in the close of the day."

It is gratifying, however, to think, that though these tares were sown, which afterwards were to spring up in such rank luxuriance, the body of the people were still sound, while of faithful, earnest ministers there were not a few. An admirable picture has been drawn of the religious state of Scotland at this time, by one of the most sound-hearted observant men and vigorous A'VTiters whom England has ever produced.'"^ Nothing appears so much to have astonished him, as the weight and multiplicity of a clergyman's duties, and the fidelity with which they were discharged : even one of his own countrjmien who accompanied him, declared, that the " life of an English porter was easy, compared to that of a presbyterian minister in Scotland." The annual ministerial visit through the families of the parish, the catechising of the young and the ignorant, the cogniz- ance of the moral character of eA^ery indi^-idual under his charge, the visiting of the sick, the charge of the poor, and laborious attendance upon presbyteries, sy- nods, and assemblies, in addition to the public duties of the Sabbath, in which two discourses and a lecture were regularly preached — seem to have suggested to them some stranp-e reminiscences of the mitred and beneficed of their own country. " All this," he adds, " is supported and discharged with such courage, such temper, such steadiness in affection, such unwearied diligence, such zeal and vigom' in the work, that our English sermon readers know little of; not having the support, and, I fear, not the same Spirit, to carry them through. In a aa ord, as they have a A\'ork wliich human

* We allude to Daniel Defoe, the well-known author of Robinson Crusoe. He accompanied the English commissioners of the Union to Scotland, and the result of his studies and observations wliile there, was an admirable compendious History of our Scottish Church, and of which we rejoice to lind that a new and cheap edition has been lately published by Dewar, Perth.

318 APPENDIX.

strength is hardly sufficient to discharge, so they have a support which human nature is not capahle to supply. And I must acknowledge, that there seems to be such an appearance of the Spirit and presence of God with and in this church, as is not at this time to be seen in any church in this world."

As these duties were not a mere prescribed formula, but a stern every-day reality, on which the people cal- culated, and which the minister was bound to perform, we cannot wonder that the intellectual character and literary acquirements of the Scottish clergy in general should have fallen so frequently short of the measure of their English contemporaries. It should also be remem- bered, that at this period especially, most of the ministers had been educated, not in tranquil halls of learning and among well-stored libraries, but amidst all the hardships and disquietudes of a fierce persecution. Even when the storm had passed away, their position was one of trial and difficulty the most unfavourable to literary occupa- tion; while the smallness of their stipends occasioned a limited purchase of books, even when they had leisure and inclination to read them. This last defect w^as not remedied till 1709, when an act of assembly was passed for the establishment of a public hbrary, in every pres- bytery throughout the kingdom. If this period there- fore was, upon the whole, the least intellectual in the history of our national church, and if it should be won- dered at that so few good writings characterized it, we must take these disqualifying circumstances into account, as a full and legitimate excuse.

But better than the production of learned and elo- quent works were the fruits of their sacred labours, as illustrated in the lives of their hearers. These, indeed, were living epistles, seen and read of all men. " You may pass," says the same author from whom we have quoted, " through twenty towns in Scotland, without seeing any broil, or hearing an oath sworn in the streets; whereas, if a blind man were to come from thence into England, he shall know the first town he sets his foot in within the English border, by hearing the name of God blasphemed, and profanely used even by the very little children in the street." His sketch also of the

APPPENDIX. 319

earnestness of the people in hearing the M'ord preach- ed, is a noble attestation to their religious character. " As there is," he says, " among the ministers a spirit of zeal, and an earnest devoting of all their powers, faculties, strength, and time to this work, so the people's part is in proportion equal. Their taste of hearing, their affection to their ministers, their subjection to be in- structed, and even to discipline; their eagerness to fol- low the directions given — these are things so visible in Scotland that they are not to be described, but admired : to see a congregation sit with looks so eager, as if they were to eat the words as they came out of the mouth of the preacher; to see the affection with which they hear — that there shall be a general sound of a mourning through the whole church, upon the extraordinary warmth of expression in the minister; and this not affected and designed, but casual and undissembled ! And one thing, as a hint to English hearers, I cannot omit; to wit, that in a whole chmrch full of people, not one shall be seen without a Bible — a custom almost for- gotten in England. On the other hand, in a church in Scotland, if you shut yom- eyes when the minister names any text of Scripture, you shall hear a little rustling noise over the whole place, made by turning the leaves of the Bible : nay, if a blind body be at the church, he will have a Bible, which he will give to the persons next to him, to fold down the texts quoted, that he may cause somebody to read them to him when he comes home."

It is pleasing to observe how much the church of Scotland was thus but the more endeared to the hearts of the people, from the trials they had undergone for it, and the dangers with which it was still menaced. Their beloved Zion! — they gathered around it only the more closely, and were ready, if need were, to be buried under its ruins. With them, religion was not only a vital principle, but the most vital of all; and therefore, let whatever prospects of advantage be held out to them by an incorporation with a great and wealthy people, still, their first and greatest question was, the safety of their church. And even the fearful alloy it contained at this time of lukewarm, Erastian, or prelatic ministers, was

320 APPENDIX.

iiisufFicIent either to damp their zeal, or pervert the ortho- doxy of their belief. The trumpet might give an uncer- tain sound; but from the mountains and glens they still heard the echoes of their late martyrs and confessors, and were thus directed and animated by those who, though dead, were yet speaking. And even this was not all. An amount of persecution, enough to have crushed even more powerful countries than Scotland, had wasted it; and yet — strange to tell! — Avhen the trial had passed over, the people seemed still as numerous as be- fore. Like the children of Israel, the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied. This was a fact which even their enemies recognised with astonishment. The persecutors themselves v.^ere exhausted, not the land they spoiled, or the victims they oppressed. And thus, when the pressure was removed, our country sprang uj) as buoyant and enterprising, as full of political resources and hopes as ever, and commenced that career which has made the least populous nation of Europe the won- der and admiration of the Avorld. And evil would be that day, and fraught with her destruction, in which she ceased to remember that to her church, and the favour of her God upon it, she owes her all.

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