CHILDREN S BOOK COLLECTION
LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
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PRINCIPLES
OF
POLITENESS,
AND OF
KNOWING THE WORLD :
8V THI tATE
tORD CHESTERFIELD,
WITH
ADDITIONS,
BY THE REV. D£. JOHN TRUSLER. CONTAINING
JEvrry Infyruftion necefiary to complete the Gentleman and Man of Falhiort, to teach him a Knowledge of Life> and snake him well received in all Companies.
FOR T H &
IMPROVEMENT OF YOUTH :
TXT NOT B1NZATH TH£ ATTENTION OF ANY;
SECOND UDorcejlir EDITION;
BY ISAIAH THOMAS, Sot&athis BOOKSTORE, Sign of JOHNSON'S HEAD'
AUCUST — »-i798.
Stlftertifement
JL HE late Lord CHESTERFIELD having been unt- verfully allowed to be one of the beft bred men of the age, and moft intimately acquainted with the princi- ples and manners of mankind, the Editor of the fol- lowing pages humbly apprehend*, he could not do the rifing generation a greater fervice, than by collefting thofe valuable precepts that are contained in his cele- brated letters to his fon, digefting them under diftinft heads, and thereby forming a fyClem of the mofl ufeful Laftm&ion.
To that end, he has diligently feltdled every obfer« vation and remark, that can poilibly improve or in- form the mind, within the rules of morality ; and where there feemed a dificiency in any part of the fyf, tern, from the oceafional chafras in Lord Chefterfield's correfpondence, he has endeavored to fupply it. Much might have been faid on the fubjecl of indelica-
iv ADVERTISEMENT.
cy, but as inftruflions on that head, to perfons pofleff- ed of a liberal education, muft have been unnecefla- ry, they are here purpofely omitted. Some may be apt to think that many things in this work are too friv- olous to be mentioned ; but when it is remembered they are calculated for the multitude, itisprefumed they will be received as refpeilable admonition.
In mort, it has been the Editor's fludy to make Lord Chefte; field ufeful to every clafs of youth ; to lay that inftruc"tion before them, which they with difficulty muft have found admidft a heap of other matter ; in a word, to give the very elfence of his letters, and a* t tenth part of the price thofe letters fell for,
PRINCIPLES
POLITENESS,
,/xS all young men, on their fir PC out« fet in life, are in want of fome experi- enced and friendly hand to bring them forward and teach them a knowledge of the world ; I think I cannot do the rif- ing generation a greater fervice, than by directing the young- man's fteps and teaching him how to make his way a- mong the crowd. I will fuppofe him already inftructed in the principles of religion and neceflity of moral virtues, (for without thefe he mud be mofl un- happy) of courfe (hall, hi a feries of chapters, point out, under diftinft heads, the qualifications neceflary to make him
ii PRINCIPLES OF
well received in the world, without which he cannot expect to bear his part in life, agreeable to his own wifhes, or the duty he owes to fociety ; and as inodefty is the bafis of a proper reception, I {hall begin with that*
POLITENESS.
MODESTY,
jVlODESTY is a polite accomplifh- tnent, and generally an attendant upon merit : It is engaging to the highefl degree, and wins tbe heart of all our acquaint- ance. On the contrary, none are more difguftfui in company than the impu- dent and prefuming.
The man who is, on all occafions, commending and fpeaking well of him- felf, we naturally diflike. On the other hand, he who ftudies to conceal his own deferts, who does juftice to the merit of others, who talks but little of himlelf, and that with modefty, makes a favourable impreffionon the perfons he is converf- ing with, captivates their minds, and gains their efleem.
Modefty, however, widely differs from an awkward bafhfulnefs, which is as much to be condemned as the other is to be applauded. To appear fimple is as ill bred as tQ be. impudent, A young
? PRINCIPLES O?
man ought to be able to come into * room and addrefs the company without the lea ft embarraffment. To be out of countenance when fpoken to. and not to have an anfwer ready, is ridiculous to the laft degree.
An awkward country fellow, when he comes into company better than himfelf, is exceedingly difconccrted. He knows not what to do with his hands, or his hat, but either puts one of them in his pocket, and dangles the other by his fide; or perhaps twirls his hat on his fin- gers, or fumbles with the button. If fpok- en to, he is in a much worfe fituation, he anfwers with the utmoft difficulty, and nearly Rammers. Whereas a gentle- man who is acquainted with life, enters a room with gracefulnefs and a modeft affurance, addreffes even perfons he does not know, in an ealy and natural man-- ner, and without the lead embarrafTment, This is the chara&eriftic of good breed- ing, a very neceflfary knowledge in our intercourfe with men ; for one of infe- rior parts, with the behavior of a gentle- man, is frequently better 'received than
POLITENESS. 9
a, man of fenfe with the addrefs and man- ners of a clown.
Ignorance and vice are the only things we need be afharned of; fleer clear of thefe, and you may go into any com- pany you will; not that 1 would have a young man throw off all dread of ap- pearing abroad, as a fear of offending, or being difefteemed, will make him preferve a proper decorum. Some per- fons, from experiencing the inconvenien- cies of falfe modefly, have run into the other extreme, and acquired the charac- ter of impudent. This is as great a fault as the other. A well bred man keeps himfelf between the two and fleers the middle way. He is eafy and firm in every company; is modeft, but not bafhful ; fieady, but not impudent. He copies the manners of the better people, and conforms to their cufloms with eafe and attention.
Until we can prefent ourfelves in all companies with coolnefsand unconcern, we can never prefent ourfelves well ; nor will a man ever be fuppofed to have kept good company, or ever be accepta- ble infuch company, if he cannot %p-
10 PRINCIPLES OF
pear there cafy and unembarraffed. A modeft a durance, in every part of life, is the mod advantageous qualification we can poflibly acquire.
Inftead of becoming infolent, a man of fenfe under a confcioufnefs of merit, is more modeft. He behaves himfelf with firmnefs, but without the lead pre- fumption. The man who is ignorant of his own merit is no lefs a fool than he who is conftantly difplaying it. A man of underftanding avails himfelf of his abilities, but never boafls of them ; whereas the timid and bafhful can never pufh himfelf in life but will be always kept behind by the forward and builling. A man of abilities, and acquainted with lite, will ftand as firm in defence of his own rights, and purfue his plans as fteadily and unmoved, as the mofl im- pudent man alive; but then he does it with a feeming modeQy. Thus man- ner is every thing; what is impudence in one, is proper affurance only in ano- ther ; for firmnefs is commendable, but an overbearing conduct is difgufUu!.
Forwardnefs being the very reverfe of mgdefty, follow1 rather than lead the
POLITENESS. ii
company; that is, join in difcourfe upon fubjects rather than dart one of your own; if you have parts, you will have opportunities enough of fhewing them on every topic of converfation; and if you have none, it is better to expofe your- f elf upen a fubjcft of other people's than one of your own.
But, be particularly careful not to fpeak of yourfelf if you can help it. An impudent fellow lugs in himfelf abruptly upon all occafions, and is ever the hero of his own (lory. Others will colour their arrogance with, "It may feein ilrange, indeed, that I fhould talk in this manner of myfelf; it is what I by no means like, and fhould never do, if I had not been cruelly and unjultly accuf- cd; but when my character is attacked, it is a juflice I owe to myfelf, to defend it." This veil is. too thin not to be feen through en the fir ft infpcaion.
Others again, with more art, will mod- tftly boafl of all the principal virtues, by calling thefe virtues weakndles, and fay- ing they are fo unfortunate as to fall in- to weaknefTes. "I cannot fee pkyfons fuffer," fays one of thiscaft, "without
PRINCIPLES OF
relieving them ; though my circumftan^ ces are very unable to afford it. — I can- not avoid fpeaking truth, though it is of- ten very imprudent," and fo on.
This angling for praife is fo prevail- ing a principle, thac it frequently Hoops to the lowed objecls. Men will ofteri boaft of doing that, which if true, would be rather a difgrace to them than other- wife. One man affirms that he rode twenty miles within the hour; it is prob- ably a lie; but ftippofe he did, ^What then ? He had a good horfe under him, and is a good jockey. Another f wears he has often, at a fitting, drank five or fix bottles to his own fhare. Out of refpeft to him, I will believe him a liar, for I would not wi(h to think him a bead.
Thefe and many more are the follies of idle people, which, while they think they procure them efteem, in reality make them defpifed.
To avoid this contempt, therefore, never fpeak of yourfelf at all, unlefs ne- ceffity obliges you ; and even then, take care to do it in fuch a manner, that it may not be conftrued into fifhing for ap~ plaufe. Whatever perfe£lions you mzy
POLITENESS, 13
have, be allured, people will find them out ; but whether they do or not, nobody will take them upon your own word. The lefs you fay of yourfelf, the more the world will give you credit for; and the more you fay, the lefs they will be- lieve you.
B
J4 PRINCIPLES OF
LYING,
Oi
*F all the vices there is no one more criminal, more mean, and more ridicul- ous, than lying. The end we defign by it is very feldom accompliihed, for lies are always found out, at one time or other ; and yet tfeere are perfons who give way to this vice, who are otherwise of good principles, and have not been ill educated.
Lies generally proceed from vanity, cowardic ». and a revengeful difpofition, and fometimes from a miflaken notion of felf defence.
He who tells a malicious lie. with a view- of injuiing the perfon he fpeaks of, may gratify his wifh for a while, but will, in the end, find it recoil upon himfelf ; for, as foon as he is detected (and detected he moft certainly will be) he is defpifed for the infamous attempt, and whatever he may fay hereafter of that perfon, will
POLITENESS. 15
be confidered as falfe, whether it be fo or not.
If a man lies, fhuffles or equivocates, (for, in faft, they are all alike) by way of excufe for any thing he has faid or done, he aggravates the offence rather than lefTens it; for theperfon to whom the lie is told has a right to know the truth, or there would have been no occafioii to have framed a falfehood. This perfon, of courfe, will think himfelf ill treated for being a fecond time affronted ; for £\Vhat can be a greater affront than an attempt to impofe upon any man's tin- derftanding? Befides, lying, in excufe for a fault, betrays fear, than which nothing is more daflardly, and unbecoming the c"hara£ler of a gentleman.
There is nothing more manly, or more noble, if we have done wrong, than frank- ly to own it. It is the only way of meet- ing forgivenefs. Indeed, conferring a fault and afking pardon, with great minds, is confidered as a fufficient atonement. " I have been betrayed into an error/' or, "I htive injured you, Sir, and a.m heartily a (named of it, and forry for it," has fre- quently difarroed the perfon injured, and
iS PRINCIPLES OF
where he would have been our enemy, has made him our friend.
There are peiTpns alfo, whofe vanity leads them to tell a thouiand lies. They perfuade tfcemfelves. tha , if it be no way injurious to others, it is harmlefs and innocent; and they iliel er their falfe- hoods under the fofter name of untruths. Thefe perfons are foolifh enough to im- agine, that if they can recite any thing wonderful, they draw the attention of the company, and if they themfelves are the objects of that wonder, they are looked up to as perfons . x?raordinary. This has made many a man fee things that never were in being, hear things that never were faid, and atchie- e feats that never were attempted, dealing al- ways in the marvellous. Such may be affured, however unwilling the perlons they are convei iing with may be to laugh in their faces, that they hold them fecret- ly in the higheil contempt ; for he who will tell a lie thus idly, will not fcruple to tell a greater where his intereft is con- cerned. Rather than any perfon mould doubt of my veracity for one minute, I would deprive myfelf of telling abroad
POLITENESS. if
either what I had really feen or heard, if fuch things did not carry with them the face of probability.
Others again will boaft of the great refpecl; they meet with in certain com- panies ; of the honors that are continu- ally heaped on them there; of the great price they give for every thing they pur- chafe ; and this to bethought of confe- quence; butunlefs fuch people have the beft and moft accurate memory, they will perhaps, very foon after contradict their former affertions, and fubjedl; themfelves to contempt and derifion.
Remember then, as long as you live, that nothing but ftri6l truth can carry you through life with honor and credit, Liars are notonjy diiagreeable but dan- gerous companions, and when known, will ever be fhunned by men of under* {landing. Befides, as the greateft liars are generally the greateft fools, a man who addids himfelf to this deteftable vice, will not only be looked upon as vulgar, but will never be confidered as a man of fenfe.
PRINCIPLES OF
GOOD BREEDING,
VOID
> of good breeding, every other qualification will be imperfeft, unadorn- ed, and to a certain degree unavailing.
Good breeding being the refult of good fenfe and good nature, ^Is it not won- derful that people poffeffed of the one (hould be deficient in the other? The modes of it varying accordingto perfons, places, and circumflances, cannot indeed be acquired otherwife than by time and obfervation ; but the fubflance is every where and always the fame.
What good morals are to fociety in general, good manners are to particular ones ; their band and fecurity. Of all actions, next to that of performing a good one, the confcioufnefs of rendering a civility is the mod grateful.
We feldom fee a perfon, let him be ev- er fo ill bred, wanting in re f peel: to thofe whom he acknowledges to be his fupe- riors; the manner of (hewing this rcfpeft,
POLITENESS. 19
then, is all I contend for. The man expreffes it naturally and eafily, while he who is unufed to good company ex- prefles it awkwardly. Study, then to fhew that refpeci which every one wifhes to Ihew in an eafy and graceful way ; but this mufl be learnt by obfervation.
In company with your equals or in mixed companies, a greater latitude may be taken in your behavior ; yet, it mould never exceed the bounds of decency ; for though no one in this cafe can claim any diflini uifhed marks of refpecl, every one is entitled to civility and good man- ners. A man need not, for example, fear to put his hands in his pockets, take fnuff, fit, ftand, or occasionally walk about the room ; but it would be highly unbecoming to whiflle, wear his hat, loofen his garters, or throw him Tel f a- crofs the chairs. Such liberties are of- fenfive to our equals, and infulting to our inferiors. Eafinefs of carriage by no means implies inattention and care- lefl'nefs. No one is at liberty to act in all refpeds as he pleafes; but is bound by the laws of good manners to behave with decorum.
20 PRINCIPLES OF
Let a man talk to you ever fo Rapidly or frivoloufly , not to pay fome attention to what he fays, is lavagenefs, to the great- eft degree. Nay, if he even forces his converfation to you, it is worfe than rudeneis not to lifien to him; for your inattention in this cafe, tells him. in ex- prefs terms, that you think him a block- head and not worth the hearing. Now, if fuch behavior is rude to men, it is much morefo to women, who, be their rank what it will, have, on account of their fex, a claim to officious attention from the men. Their little wants and whims, their likes and diflikes, and even their impertinences, are particularly aN tended to and flattered, and their very thoughts and wifhes gueifed at and in-* flantly gratified by every well bred man.
In promifcuous companies you mould vary your addrefs, agreeable to the dif- ferent ages of the perfons you fpeak to. It would be rude and abfurd to talk of your amours or your pleafures to men of certain dignity and gravity, to clergymen, or men in years ; but ftill you mould be as eafy with them as with others, your vin-ier onlv fhnrjld be varied : vou
POLITENESS. 21
fhould if poffible, double your refpeft aud attention to them ; and were you to iniinuite oceafionally, that from their obfervation and experience you wifh to profit, you would infenfibly win their ef- il'jem ; for flattery, if not fulfome and grots, is agreeable, to all.
When invited to dinner or fupper, you mufl never ufurp toyourfelf the belt places, the bell difhes, £c. but always decline them, and offer them to others, except, indeed, you are offered any thing £>y a fuperior, when it would be a rude- pefs. if ypu liked it, not to accept it im- mediately, without the lead apology. Thus, for example, was a fuperior, the matter of the table, to offer you a thing of which there was but one, to pafs it to the perfon next you, would be indirectly charging him that offered it to you, with a want of good manners and proper ref- pecl to his company; or, if you were the only flranger prefent, it would be a rudenefs if you would make a 'feint of refufing it with the cuflornary apology, " I cannot think of taking ir from you, Sir ;" or, " I am forry to deprive you of it;" as it is fuppcfed he is confcious of
PRINCIPLES OF
his own rank, and if he chofe not to give it, would not have offered it ; you pology therefore, in this cafe, is putting him upon an equalitv with yoiirfelf. In like manner it is nideneTs to draw back when requeiled by a fuperior to pafs a door firil, or to flep into a carriage be- fore him. In (hort, it would be endlefs to particularize all theinflances in which a well bred man (hews his politenefs in good company, fuch as not yawning, finging, whittling, warming his breech at the fire, lounging, putting his legs upon the chairs, and the like, familiarities ev- ery man's good fenfe mull condemn, and good breeding abhor.
But, good breeding confifhs in more than merely not being ill bred. To re- turn a. bow, fpeak when you are fpoken to, and fay nothing rude, are fuch nega- tive acts of good breeding, that they are little more than not being a brute. ; Would it not be a very poor commen- dation of any man's clean) inefs to fay time he was rot often five ? If we wifh for the good will and eftcem of our acquaint- ance, our good breeding, mud be active, .nd leducing.
POLITENESS. £3
For example, fhould you invite any one to dine or fup with you, recoiled whether ever you had obferved them to prefer one thing to another, and endeavor to procure that thing ; when at table, fay, " At fuch a time, I rhink you feemed to give this difh a preference, 1 therefore ordered it." *' This is the wine I obferv- ed you bell like, I have therefore been at fome pains to procure it." Trifling as thefe things may appear, they prove an attention to the perfon they are faid to ; and as attention in trifles is the tefl of refpedl, the compliment will not be loft.
I need only refer you to your own bread. <• How have thefe little atten- tions, when fhewn you by others flatter- ed that felf love which no man is free from ? They incline and attach us to that perfon, and prejudice us afterwards to all that he fays or does. The declara- tions of the women in a great degree ft amp a man's reputation of being either ill or well bred; you muft then in a maniier, overwhelm them with thefe at- tentions ; they are ufed to them, and nat- urally expeft them, and to do them juf-
PRINCIPLES OF
tice, they are feldom loft upon tliem* You muil be fedulous to wait upon them', pick up with alacrity any thing they drop, and be very officious in procuring their carriages or their chairs in public places; be blind to what you fhculd not lee, deaf to what you ihould not hear. Opportunities of fhewing thefe attentions are continually prefenting thcmfelves ; but in cafe they fhould not you mufi fludy to create them.
If ever you would be efteemed by the women, your converfation to them fhomld be always refpeclful, lively, and addreiled to their vanity. Every thing you fay or do, fhould tend to fhew a re- gard to their beauty orgoodfenfe; even men are not without their vanities of one kind or other, and flattering that vanity by words and looks of approbation, is one of the principal characters of good breeding.
Addrefs and manners, with we;ik pcr- fons, who are actually three fourths of the world, are every thing; and even people of the beft understanding are taken in with them. Where the .;.
POLITENESS.
is not won and the eye pleafed, the mind will feldom be on our fide.
In fhort, learning and erudition, with- out good breeding, is tirefome and pe- dantic ; and an ill bred man is as unfit for goodc ompany as he will be unwel- come in it. Nay, he is full as unfit for bufinefs as for company. Make then good breeding the great object of your thoughts and a6lions. Be particularly obfervant of, and endeavor to imitate, the behavior and manners of fuch as are diftinguifhed by their politenefs ; and be perfuaded, that good breeding is to all worldy qualifications, what charity is to all chriftian virtues ; it adorns merit, and often covers the want of it.
C
PRINCIPLES OF
GENTEEL CARRIAGE,
N,
I EXT to good breeding is a genteel manner and carriage, wholly free from thofe ill habits and awkward actions, which many very worthy perfons are ad- dicled to.
A genteel manner of behavior, how trifling foever it may feem, is of theut- rnoft coniequence in private life. Men of very inferior parts have been efteem- ed, merely for their genteel carriage and good breeding, while fenfible men have given difguft for want of it. There is fomething or other that prepofTeiTes us at iirfl fight in favor of a well bred man, and makes us wifh to like him.
When an awkward fellow firfl comes into a room, he attempts to bow, and his fword, if he wears one, goes between his legs, and nearly throws him down. Con- fufed and aihamed, he flumbles to the up- per end of the room, and feats himfelf in the verv chair he fliould not, He there
POLITENESS. 57
begins playing with his hat, which he prefently drops ; and recovering his hat, he lets fall his cane; and in picking up his cane, down goes his hat again; thus it is a confiderable time before he is ad- jufted. When his tea or coffee is hand- ed to him, he fpreads his handkerchief up on his knees, fcalds his mouth, drops either the cup or the faucer, and fpills the tea or coffee in his lap. At dinner he is more uncommonly awkward ; there he tucks his napkin through a button hole, which tickles his chin, and occa- fions him to make a variety of wry faces ; he feats himfelf upon the edge of thechair, at fo great a di fiance from the table, that he frequently drops his meat between his pla e and his mouth ; he holds his knife, fork and fpoon differently from other people; eats with his knife, to the man- ifeft danger of his mouth ; picks his teeth with his fork, rakrs his mouth with his finger, and puts his fpoon which has been in his throat a dozen times, into the difh again. If he is to carve, he cannot hit the joint, but in laboring to cut through the bone, fplafhes the fauce pver every body's clothes. He gener^
2S PRINCIPLES OF
ally daubs himfelf all over; his elbows are in the next perfon's plate and he is up to the knuckles in foup and greafe. If he drinks, it is with his mouth full, interrupting the whole company with, " To your good health Sir," and " My fervice to you ;" perhaps coughs in his glafs, and befprinkles the whole table. Further, he has, perhaps, a number of difagreeble tricks, he fnuffs up his nofc, picks it with his fingers, blows it and looks in his handkerchief, crams his hands rirfl into his bofom, and next into his breeches. In fhort, he neither dreffes nor ads like any other perfon, but is particularly awkward in every thing he does. All this, I own, has nothing in it criminal; but it is fuch an offence to good manners and good breeding, that it is univerfally defpifed ; it makes a man ridiculous in every company, and of courfe, ought carefully to be avoided by every one who would wifh to pleafe. From this pidure of the ill bred man, you will eafily difcover that of the well bred; for you may readily judge what you ought to do when you are told what you ought not to do ; a little attention
POLITENESS. 29
to the manners of thofe who have feen the world, will make a proper behavior habitual and familiar to you.
Actions that would othcrwitebe pleaf- ing, frequently become ridiculous by your manner of doing them. If a lady drops her fan in company, the worlb bred man would immediately pick it up, and give it to her; the beft bred man can do no more; but then he does it in a graceful manner, that is fure to pleafe, whereas the other would do it to awk- wardly as to be laughed at.
You may aifo know a well bred per- fon by his manner of fitting, Afli.nned and con fu fed, the awkward man fits in his chair itiflf and bolt upright, whereas the man of fafhion, is ealy in every pofi- tion ; inftead of lolling or lounging as he fits, he leans with elegance, and by varying his attitudes, (hews that he has been uied to good company. Let it be, one part of your Rudy then, to learn to fitgenteely in different companies, to loll gracefully, where you are authorized to take that liberty, and to fit up refpeclfu! • Jy, where that freedom is not aliov/abU
PRINCIPLES OF
In fhort, you cannot conceive how acU vantageous a graceful carriage and a pleafing addrefs are, upon all occafions ; they enfnare the affechpns, fleal a pre - polfeffion in our favor, and play about tlie heart until they engage it.
Now to acquire a graceful air yon mull attend to your dancing; no one can either fit, fland or walk well unlefs he dances well. And, in learning to dance, be particularly attentive to the motion of your arms, for a fliffnefs in the wrift will make any man look awk- ward. If a man walks well, prefents himfelf well in company, wears his hat well, moves his head properly and his arms gracefuUy it is almoft all that is neceffary.
There is alfo an awkwardnefs in fpeech that naturally falls under this head, and ought to, and may be guarded againft ; fuch as forgetting names, and miftaking one name for another ; to fpeak of Mr. What-d'ye-call-him, or You-know-who. Mrs. Thingum, What's-her-name, or How-d'ye-call-her. is exceeding awkward and vulgar. It is the fame to addrefs people by improper titles, as fir for my
POLITENESS. 3*
lord, to begin a flory without being able to finifti it, and break off in the middle, with "I have forgot the reft.1'
Our voice and manner of fpeaking, too, (hould likevvife be attended to. Some will mumble orer their words, fo as noc to be intelligible, and others will fpeak ib fall as not to be underftood and in do- ing this, will fputter and fpit in your face; fome will bawl as if they were fpeaking to the deaf; others will fpeak fo low as fcarcely to be heard ; and ma- ny will put their face fo'clofe to yours as to offend you with their breath. All thefc habits are horrid and difguflful, but may eafiiy be got the better of, with care. They are the vulgar charafterillics of a low bred man, or are proofs that very little pains have been bellowed in his educa- tion. In fhort, an attention to thefe lit- tle matters are of greater importa/ice thai; you aware of; many a fenfible man hav- ing loft ground for want of theie little graces, and many a one, poifeffed of thefe perfections alone, having made his way through life, that otherwife would not have been noticed.
PRINCIPLES OF
CLEANLINESS OF PERSON.
BUT,
as no one can pleafe in compa- ny, howevergraceful his air, unlefs he be clean and neat in his perfon this qualifi- cation comes next to be confidered.
Negligence of one's perfon not only im- plies an unfufFerable indolence, but an indifference whether we pleafe or not. In others, it betrays an inlolenceand affecta- tion, arifing from a prefumpticn, that they are fure of pleafing, \vithouthaving recourfe to thofe means which many are obliged to ufe.
He who is not thoroughly clean in his perfon, will beoffenlive to ailheconverf- es with. A particular regard to the clean- linefs of your mouth, teeth, hands and nails, is but common decency. A foul mouth and unclean hands, are certain snarks of vulgarity; the fir ft is the cauTe of an ofFenfive breath, which nobody can ^ear, and the laft is declarative of dirty work; one may always know a gentleman
POLITENESS. 33
by the flate of his hands and nails. The flefh at the roots fhould be kept back, fo as to {hew the femicircles at the bottom, of the nails ; the edges of the nails fhould never be cut down below the ends of the fingers, nor fhould they be fuf- fered to grow longer than the fingers. When the nails are cut down to the quick, it is afhrewd lign that the man is a. mechanic to whom long nails would be troublefome, or that he gets his bread by fiddling ; and if they are longer than his fingers ends and encircled with a black rim, it foretells he has been laborioufly and meanly employed and too fatigued to clean himfelf : A good apology for want of cleanlinefsin a mechanic but the greateft difgrace that can attend a gentle- man.
Thefe things may appear too infig- nificant to be mentioned but when it is confidered that a thoufand little name- lefs things which every one feels but no one can defcribe, confpire to form that -whole of pleafmg, I hope you will not call them trifling. Befides, a clean fhirt and a clean perfon are as necefifary to health, as net to offend other people. It
34 PRINCIPLES OF
is a maxim with me, which I have lived to fee verified, that he who is negligent at twenty years of age, will be a flpver^ $t forty, and intolerable at fifty,
POLITENESS.
DRESS.
Ni
EATNESS of perfon, I obferved, was as necelfary as cleanlinefs ; of courfe, Ibme attention rnuft be paid to your drefs.
Such is the abfurdity of the times, that to pafs well with the world, we tnuft adopt fome of its culioms, be they ridiculous or not.
In the firft place, to neglect one's drefs is to affront all the female part of cur acquaintance. The women in par- ticular pay an attention to their drefs ; to negiecl: therefore your's will difpleafe them, as it would be tacitly taxing them with vanity, and declaring that you thought them not worth that refpedt which every body elfe does. And, as I have mentioned before, as it is the wo- men who ftamp a. young man's credit, in the fafhionable world, if you do not make- yourfelf agreeable to the wcmeu
36 PRINCIPLES OF
you will afTuredly lofe ground among the men.
Drefs, as trifling as it may appear to a man of underftanding, prepofieffes on the firft appearance, which is frequently decilive. And indeed we may form fome opinion of a man's fenfe and char- after from his drefs. Any exceeding of the fafhion, or any affedation in drefs whatever, argues a weaknefs in under- ftanding, and nine times out of ten it will be found fo.
There are few young fellows but what difplay fome character or other in this fhape. Some would be thought fearlefs and brave ; thefe wear a black cravat, a fhort coat and waiftcoat, an uncommon long fword hanging to their knees, a large hat fiercely cocked, and axzjlajk all over. Others affecl; to be country fquires ; thefe will go about in buckikin breeches, brown frocks, and great oaken cudgels in their hands, flouched hats, with their hair undieffed and tucked up under them, to an enormous lize, and imitate grooms and country boobies fo well externally, that there is not the lead doubt of their refembling them as well in-
POLITENESS. §7
ternally. Others, again, paint and pow- der themfelves fo much, and drefs fofin- icafly, as leads us to fuppofe they ari only women in boys clothes. N w a fenfible man carefully avoids all this, or any other affectation. He drefles as fafhionably and as well as perfons of the beft families and beft fenfe ; if he ex- ceeds them, he is a coxcomb ; if he drelf- es worfe, he is unpardonable.
Drefs yourfelf fine, then, if poflible ; or plain, agreeable to the company you are in ; that is, conform to the drefs of others, and avoid the appearance of be- ing tumbled. Imitate thole reafonable people of your own age, whofe drefs is neither remarked as too neglected or too much ftudied. Take care to have vour clothes well made, in the fafhion, and to fit you, or you will* after all. Appear awkward. When once d'cfTed, think no more of it; (hew no fear of difcom of- ing your drefs, but let all your moti be as eafy and unembai railed, as if you was at home in your difhabille.
PRINCIPLES OF
ELEGANCE OF EXPRESSION.
JLlAVING mentioned elegance of per- fon. I will proceed to elegance of expref- lion.
One or two qualifications alone do not complete the gentleman ; it;muft be an union of many ; and graceful fpeak- ing is as efTenfial as gracefulnefs of per- fon. Every man cannot be an harmo- nious fpeaker; a roughnefs or coarfenefs of voice may prevent it ; but if there are no natural imperfections, if a man does not ftammer, or lifp, or has not loft his. teeth, he may fp&ak gracefully ; nor will all thefe defects if he has a mind to it, prevent him from fpeaking correctly.
Nobody can attend with pleafure to a bad fpeaker. One who tells his flory ill, be it ever fo important, will tire even the moft patient. If you have been prefent at the performance of a good tragedy, ' you have doubtlefs been fenfible of the good effe&'s of a fpeech well delivered ;
POLITENESS. 39
how much it has interefted and affefted you ; and on the contrary, hov/ much an ill fpoken one has ditgufted you. Tis the fame in common converfation : He who {peaks deliberately, diftinctly and corredly ; he who makes ule of the beft words to exprefs hirnielf, and varies his voice according tothe nature of the fub- jeft, will always pleafe, while the thick or hally fpeaker, he who mumbles out a fet of ill chofen words, utters them in- grammatically, or with a dull monoto- ny, will tire and difguft. Be allured, then, the air, the gefture, the looks of a fpeaker, a proper accent, a juft emphafis, and tuneful cadence, are full as neceffa- ry to pleafe and be attended to, as the fubjeci matter itfelf.
People may talk what they will of folid reafoning and found fenfe ; without the graces and ornaments of language, they will neither pleafe nor perfuade. In common difcourfe, even trifles ele- gantly exprefled wlBjbe better .received than the bed of aftg»menis. homefpurx and unadorned.
A good way to acquire a' graceful ut- terance is to read aloud to foriie friend
4* PRINCIPLES OF
every day, and beg of him to fet you right, in cafe you read too fall, do not oblerve the proper flops, lay a wrong emphafis, or utter your words indiilinft- ly. You may even read aloud to your- felf, where fuch a friend is not at hand, and you will find your own ear a good corrector. Take care to open your teeth when you re.id or fpeak. and articulate every word diflinctly ; which lafl cannot be done, but by founding the final let- *ter. But above all, endeavor to vary your voice according to the matter, and avoid a monotony. By a daily atten- tion to this, it will, in a little time be- come eafy and habitual to you.
Pay an attention a! To to your looks and your geftures, when talking even on the moil trifling fubje6ts ; things appear very different according as they are ex- prefTed, looked and delivered.
Iv-nv, if it is neceflary to at end fo par- ticuiarly to oar manner of fpeaking, it is much more fo, with refpect to the mat- ter. Fine turns of expreffion, a genteel and correct ftyfe, are ornaments as re- quifite fo common fenfe, as polite be- havior and an elegant addrefs are to com-
POLITENESS. 41
mon good manners ; they are great af- fiftants in the point of pleafmg. A gen^ tleman, it is true, may be known in tha meaneft garb ; but it admits not of a doubt, that he would be better received into good company, genteely and fafh^ ionably dre(Ted,than if he was to appear in dirt and tatters.
Be careful then of your ftyle upon all occafions; whether you write or fpeak, Rudy for the bed words and bed expref- {ionSj even in common conversation or the mo ft familiar letters. This will pre- vent your fpcaking in a hurry, than which noihing is more vulgar; though you may be a little embarralfed at firft, time and ufe will raider it eafy. It is no Inch difficult thing to exprefs our- f elves well on fubjecls we are thoroughly acquainted with, if we think before we ipeak ; and no one frould prefume to do othenvife. When you have faid a thin^, if you did not reflect before be fure to do it afterwards : Confider with yourfelf, whether you could not have expreffed yourfelf better; and if you are in doubt f of the propriety or elegancy of any word, ,
42 PRINCIPLES OF
fearch for it in fome dictionary,* or fome good author, while you remember it : Never be fparing of your trouble while you would wilh to improve, and tny word for it, a very little time will ma1-1 this matter habitual.
In o eak grammatically and
to exprefs yourielf pleafmgly, I would recommend it to you to tranflate often any language you are acquainted with into Engiifh, and to correct fuch tranf- lation till the words, their order, and the periods, are agreeable to your own ear.
Vuigarifm in language is another dif- tinguifhing mark of bad company and education. Expreffions may be correct in themfelves, and yet be vulgar owin£ to their not being fafhionable, lor lan- guage and manners are both eftablifhed by the ufage of people of fafhion.
The converfation of a low bred man is filled up with proverbs and hackneyed fayings. Inftead of obferving that tafles are different, and that rnofl men have
* jobnfon's folio. Diftionary you will find very fer- viceable, and the difference between 'words reputed }\ncr.ymous ; a work in two volumes written by me feme years ago, and published by Dodfley.
POLITENESS. . 43
one peculiar to themfelves, he will give you, " What is one man's meat is an- other man's poifon ;" or, " Every one to their liking, as the old woman faid, when Ihe kifTed her cow." He has ever fome favorite word, which he lugs in upon all occafions, right or wrong; inch as, vajlly angry, -vaftly kind ; deviiijh ugly, dei' handfome ; immtnfdy great, immenjeiy lit- tle. Even his pronunciation carries the mark of vulgarity along with it ; he calls the earth, yearth ; finances, fm'ances ; he goes to wards and not towards fuch a place. He affects to ufe hard words, to give him the appearance of a n an of learning, but frequently niifiakes their meaning, and felciorn, if ever, pronoun- ces them properly.
All this muft be avoided, if you would not be luppofed to have kept company wiih footmen and houfemaids. Never have recorarfe to proverbial or vulgar fayings ; ufe neither favorite nor hard words, but feek for the moft elegant ; be careful in the management of them, and depend on it your labor will not be loft; for nothing is more engaging than a fafh- ionable and polite addrels.
PRINCIPLES OF
ADDRESS, PHRASEOLOGY, SMALL TALK.
JlN all good company, we meet with a certain manner, phrafeology, and gener- al converfation, that diftinguifhes the man of fafhion. This can only be ac- quired by frequenting good company, and being particularly attentive to all that paffes there.
When invited to dine or to fup at the houfe of any well bred man, obferve how lie does the honors of his table, and mark his manner of treating his company.
Attend to the compliments of congrat- ulation or condolence that he pays ; and take notice of his addrefs to his fuperi- ors, his equals and his inferiors ; nay, his very looks and tone of voice are worth your attention, for we cannot plcafe without an union of them all.
There is a certain diflinguifhing dic- tion that marks the man of falhion, a - -'ain language of converfation that ev.
POLITENESS. 45
cry gentleman fliould be mailer of. Say- ing to a man jufl married, "I wifh you joy," or to on- who has loft his wife, " I am forry for your lofs," and both per- haps with an unmeaning countenance, may be civil, but it is neverthelefs vul- gar. A man of fafhion will exprefs the fame thing more elegantly, and with a look of fincerity, that fhall attract the eileem of the perfon he i peaks to. He will advance to the one, with warmth and cheerfulnefs, and perhaps fquetzing him by the hand, will fay, " Believe me, my dear Sir, I have fcarce words to ex- prefs the joy I feel, upon your happy al- liance with fuch or fuch a family, &c." To the other in affliction, he will ad- vance flower, and with a peculiar com- pofure of voice and countenance, begin his compliments of condolence wi:h, "I hope, Sir, you will do me the jutlice to be perfuaded that I am not infenfible of your unhappinefs, that I take part in your diflreis, and fhall ever be affected when you are fo."
Your firfl addrefs to, and indeed all your converfation with your fuperiors, fhould be open, cheerful and refpectful ;
46 PRINCIPLES OF
with your equals, warm and animated ; with your inferiors, hearty, free and un- referved.
There is a fafhionable kind of fmali talk, which, however trifling it may be thought, has its ufe in mixed compa- nies. Of courfe you fhould endeavor to acquire it. By fmall talk I mean a good deal to fay on unimportant matters ; for example, foods, the flavour and growth of wines, and the chit chat of the day. Such converfation will ferve to keep off ferious fubje&s, that might fometimes create difputes. This chit chat is chiefly to be learned by frequenting the compa- nv of the ladies.
POLITENESS. 47
OBSERVATION.
J\S the art of pleafing is to be learnt only by frequenting the beft companies, we mud endeavor to pick it up in fuch companies, by obfervation ; for it is not fenfe and knowledge alone that will ac- quire efteem ; thefe certainly are the firfl and neceflary foundations for pleaf- ing, but they will by no means do, un- lefs attended with manners and atten- tions.
There have been people who have fre- quented the firfl companies all their life- time, and yet have never got rid of their natural ftiffnefs and awkwardnefs ; but have continued as vulgar as if they were never out of a fervant's hall ; this has been owing to careleflnefs, and a want of attention to the manners and behavior of others.
There are a great many people like- wife who bufy themfelv'es the whole day, and who in faft do nothing. They have
.£ - PRINCIPLES OF
poffibly taken up a book for two or three hours, but from a certain inattention that grows upon them, the more it is indulg- ed, know no more of the contents than if they had not looked into it; nay, it is impoffible for any one to retain what he reads, unlefs he reflects and reafons upon it as he goes on. When they have thus lounged away an hour or two, they will faunter into company, without attending to any thing that pafles there; but if they think at all, are thinking of fome trifling matter that ought not to occupy iheir attention; thence perhaps they go to the play, where they flare at the com- pany and the lights, without attending to the piece, the. very thing they went to fee. In this manner they wear away their hours, that might otherwife be em- ployed to their improvement and advan- tage. This filly, fufpenfion of thought they would pafs for abfcnce of mind — ri- diculous ! Wherever you, are, let me re- commend it to you to pay an attention to all that pafles ; obferve the characters of the perfons you are with, and the fub- jefts of their converfation ; liften to ev- ery thing that is {"aid, fee every thing
POLITENESS. #
that is done, and, according to fch'e vul- gar faying, have your eyes and yourearS about you.
A continual inattention to matters that occur, is the chara&eriflic of a weak mind ; the mail who gives way to it, is little elfe than a trifler, a blank in focie- ty, which every fenfible perfon over- looks : Surely what is worth doing, is worth doing well, and nothing can be well done, if not properly attended to. When I hear a man fay, on being alked about any thing that was faid or done in his prefence, '* that truly he did not mind it." I *am ready to knock the fool down, j Why did not he mind it ? — ^ What elfe had he to do ? — A man of ienfe and fafhion never makes ufe of this paltry plea, he never complains of a treacherous memory, but attends to and remembers every thing that is either faid or done.
Whenever then, you go mto good com- pany, ihat is, the company of people of fafhion, obferve carefully their behavior, their addrefs, and their manner ; imitate them as far as in your power. Your atten- tion, if poflible, fhould be fo ready as to E
$& PRINCIPLES OF
obferve every perfon in the room at once, their motions, their looks, and their turns of expreflfion, and that without flaring or fceming to be an obferver. This kind of obfervation may be acquired by care and practice, and will be found of the utmofb advantage to vou, in the couiTe of life.
POLITENESS.
ABSENCE or MIND.
LAVING mentioned abfence of mind, let me be more particular concerning it. What the world calls an abfent man is generally either a very affected one or a very weak one ; but whether weak or affecled, he is in company a very difa- greeable man. Loft in thought, or pof- iibly in no thought at all, he is a ftran- ger to every one prefent, and to every thing that pa lies ; he knows not his beft friends, is deficient in every a6l of good manners, unobfervant of the actions of the company, and infenfible to his own. His anfwers are quite the reverfe of what they ought to be : Talk to him of one thing, he replies as of another. He for- gets what he (aid laft, leaves his hat in one room, his cane in another, and his fword in a third ; nay, if ir was not for his buckles, he would even leave his iboes behind him. • Neither his arms nor bis legs feem to be a part of his body,
& PRINCIPLES OF
and his head is never in a right pofition. He joins not in the general converfation, .except it fye by fits and ftarts, as if awake- ing from a dream : 1 attribute this either to weaknefs or afFedation. His (hallow mind is podibly not able to attend to more than one thing at a time ; or he would be fuppofed wrapt up in the in? veftigation of fome very important mat- ter. Such men as Sir Ifaac Newton, or Mr. Locke, might occafionally have Tome excafe for abfence of mind ; it might proceed from that intenfenefs of thought that was neceiTary at all times for the fcieritific (ubjefts they were fludying ; but, for a young man, and a man of the world, who has no fuch plea to make, abfence of mind is a rudenefs to the com- pany, and deferves the fevereft cenfure. However infignificanta company may be; however trifling their converfation ; while you are wi*h them, do not (hew them by an inattention that you thinlc them trifling ; that can never be the way to pleafe, but rather fall in \vith their weaknefs than otherwife, for to mortify or (hew the leaft contempt to thofe w* are in company with, is the greateft ruck*
POLITENESS; &
fiefs we can be guilty of, and what few- can forgive.
I never yet found a man inattentive to the perfon he feared, or the woman he loved ; which convinces me, that abfence of mind is to be got the better of, if we think proper to make the trial ; and, be- lieve me, it is always worth the attempt.
Abfence of mind is a tacit declara- tion, that thofe we are in company with, are not worth attending to ; and, ^ What can be a greater affront ? Befides, i Can an abfent man improve by what is faid or done in his prefence ? No ; he may frequent the bed companies for years to- gether, and all to nopurpofe. In fhort, a man is neither fit for bufmefs nor con- verfation unlefs he can attend to the ob- ject befpre him, be that objecl what it will.
,54 PRINCIPLES OF
KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORLD.
A
KNOWLEDGE of the world, by our own experience and obfervation, is fo neceffary, that, without it, we (hall a& very abfurdlv, and frequently give of- fence, when we do not mean it. All the learning and parts in thp world will not i ecu re us from it. Without an acquaint- ance with life, a man may fay very good things, but fime them fo ill, and addrefs them fo improperly, that he had much better be filent. Full of himfelf and his own bufmefs, and inattentive to the cir- cumflances and fituations of thofe he converfes with, he vents it without tht: leaft discretion, fays things that he ought not to fay, confufes fome, (hocks others, and puts the whole company in pain, left what he utters next fhould prove worfe than the lafl. The bed diredlion I can give you in this matter, is rather to fall in with the converfation of oth- ers, than dart a fubjeiSfc of your own;
POLITENESS. S6
rather flrive to put them more in conceit with themfelves, than to draw their at- tention to you.
A novice in life, he who knows little of mankind, but what he collects from books, lays it down as a maxim, that mod men love flattery ; in order there- fore to pleafe, he will flatter. But, I How ? Without regard either to circumftances or occafion. Jnftead of thofe delicate touches, thofe foft tints that ferve to heighten the piece, he lays on his colours with a heavy hand, and daubs where he means to adorn ; in oth- er words, he will flatter fo unfeafonably and at the fame time fo grofsly, that while he wifhes to pleafe he puts out of countenance, and is fure to offend. On the contrary, a man of the world, one who has made life his fludy, knows the power of flattery as well as he ; but, then, he knows how to apply it ; he watches the opportunity, and does it in- dire&ly, by inference, comparifon, and hint.
Man is made up of fuch a variety of matter, that, to fearch him thoroughly requires time and attention; for, though
PRINCIPLES 01
we are all made of the fame material*, and have all the fame pallions,yet, from a difference in their proportion and com- bination, we vary in our difpofitions ; what is agreeable to one, is difagreeable 10 another; and what one fiiall approve, another (hall condemn. Reafcn is giv- en us to control thefe palFions, but fel- dom does it. Application therefore to the reafon of any man, will frequently prove ineffectual, unlels we endeavor at the fame time to gain his heart.
Wherever then y ou are, fearch into the characters of men ; find our, if pof- fible, their foible, their governing paf- fion, or their particular merit ; take them on their weak fide, and you will genu- allyiucceed; their prevailing.vanity you may readily difcover, by obferving thej^r favorite topic of converfatiun ; for evoy VUG talks mofl of what he would be thought moil to excel in.
The time lliould a!fo be judiciouf!/ made choice of. JtLvery man Ins hia par- ticular times, when he may be applied to with (uccefs,the mollia tempera Jandi ; but thefe linies are not all day long ; they mull be found cu«-, watched, an 1
POLITENESS. 57
taken advantage of. You could not hope for fuccefs ifi applying to a man abour one bufmefs, when he was taken up with another, or when his mind was afFe&ed with excefs of gnef, anger, or the like.
You cannot judge of other men's minds better than by fludying your own ; for though one man has one foible, and an- other has another, yet men in general are very much alike. Whatever pleafes or offtnds you, will, in fimilar circumtlan- ces, pleafe or offend others ; if you find yourfelf hurt when another makes you feel his fuperiority, you will certainly, upon the common rule of right, Do as you would be done by, take care not to let another feel your fuperiority, if you have it; efpecially if you wifli to gain his in- terefl or efteem. If difagreeable infinu- ations, open contradictions, or oblique fneers vex and anger you, <: Would you ufe them where you wifhed to pleafe ? Certainly not. Obferve then, wi.h care, the operations of your own mind, and you may, in a great meafure, read all mankind.
PRINCIPLES 01'
I will allow that one bred up in ;i cloiilcr or college, may realon well on the flruclure of the human mind ; he may invcdigate the nature of man, and give a tolerable account of his head, his hcarr, his paifions, and his ientirm-nis : But at the iame time he may know no- thing of him ; he has not lived with hiin, and of courfe knows but little h >w iholc fcntiments or thole pa (lions will work. — He mud be ignorant of the various pre- judices, propentities an4 antipathies that always bias him, and frequently deter- mine him. His knowledge is acquired only from theory, which differs widely from pra&ife ; and if he forms his judg- ment from that alone, he muft be often deceived ; whereas a man of the world, one who collects his knowledge from his own experience and obfervation, is fel- dom wrong ; he is well acquainted with the operations of the human mind; pries into the heart of man; reads his words before they are uttered; fees his actions before they are perlormed ; knows what will plcafe and what will difpleafe, ani r'urefees the cvsnc of molt things.
i'OLITEXESS. £91
1
Labor then to acquire this intuitive knowledge ; attend carefully to the ad- clrefs, the aits and manners of thofe ac- quainted with life, and endeavor to im- itate them. Obferve the means they take, to gain the favor and conciliate the af- fections of thofe they aflbciate with ; pur- fue thofe means, nnd you will foon gain, the ell corn of all that know you.
<; Hew often have we feen men gov- erned by peifons very much their inferi- ors in point of undei (landing, and even without their knowing it ? A proof that fome men have more worldly dexterity than oihers ; they find out the weak and i:r,gunrded part, make their attack there, and the man furrenders.
Now from a knowledge of mankind v, c {hall learn the advantage of txvo things, the command of our temper and cur countenance ; a trifling difagreeable incident (hall perhaps anger one utinc- quainied with life, or confound him with Ihawie; (hall make him rave like a mad- man, or look like a fool ; but a man of the world will never underfland what he cannot or ought not to re fen t. Jf te fhould chance to make a flip him-
6o PRINCIPLES OF
felf, he will flifle his confufion, and turn it off with a jeft ; recovering it with coolnefs.
Many people have fenfe enough to keep their own fecrets ; but from being unuied to a variety of company, have unfortunately fuch a telltale counte- nance, as involuntarily declares what they would wifh to conceal. This is a great unhappinefs, and ihould, as foon as poflible, be got the better of.
That coolnefs of mind and evennefs of countenance, which prevents a difcov* ery of our fentiments, by our words, our aclions, or our looks, are too neceilary to pafs unnoticed. A man who cannot hear difpleafing things, without vifible marks of anger or uneafinefs ; or pleal- ing ones, without a fudden burfl of joy, a cheerful eye, or an expanded face, is at the mercy of every knave ; for either they will deiignedly pleafe or provoke you themfelves to catch yourunguarded looks, or .they will feize the opportunity thus to read your very heart, when any other (hall do it. You may pcflibly tell me, that this coolnefs muft be natural, for if not, you can never acquire it. I
POLITENESS. 61
will admit the force of conftitution, but people are very apt to blame that for many things they might readily avoid. Care, with a little reflection, will foon give you this maftery of your temper and countenance. If you find yourlelf fub- jccl; to fudden ftarts cf paflion, deter- mine with yourfelf not (o utter a fingle word until your reafon has recovered it- felf; and refolve to keep your counte- nance as unmoved as poilible. As a •man, who at a card table, can preferve a ferenity in his looks, under good or bad luck, has confiderably the advantage t^f one who appears elated with fuccels, or caft down with ill fortune, from our being able to read his cards in his face; fo the man of the world, having to deal with one of thofe babbling countenances, will take care to profit by the circum- ftance, let the confequence, to him with whom he deals, be as injurious as it may. In the courfe of life, we (hall find it neceffary very often to put on a pleafing countenance when we are exceedingly difpleafed ; we mud frequently feeni friendly when we are quite otherwife. I am fenfible it is difficult to accoft a man F
62 PRINCIPLES Of
with fmiles whom we know to be our ene- my : i But what is to be done ? On re- ceiving an affront, if you cannot be juf- tified in knocking the offender down, you muft not notice the offence ; for, in the eye of the world, taking an affront calm- ly, is confidered as cowardice.
If fools fhould attempt at any time to be witty upon you, the bed way 'is, not to know their \vittifcims are levelled at you, but to conceal any uneafinefs it may give you : But fhould they be fo plain that you cannot be thought igno- rant of their meaning, I would recom- mend, rather than quarrel with the com- pany, joining even in the fame laugh againfl yourfelf; allow the jefl to be a good one, and take it in feeming good humour. Never attempt to retaliate the lame way, as that would imply you were hurt. Should what is faid wound your honor, or your moral character, there is but one proper reply, which I hope you will never be obliged to have re- courfe to.
Remember there are but two alterna- tives for a gentleman ; extreme polite- tie fs, or the fword. If a man openly
POLITENESS. 63
and defignedly affronts you, c?<Il him out ; but, if it does not amount to an open infult, be outwardly civil ; if this does not make him afhamed of his be- havior, it will prejudice every byftander in your favor, and inftead of being dif~ graced, you will come off with honor. Politenefs to thofe we do not refped, is no more a breach of faith, than yuur hum* blefcrvant, at the bottom of a challenge; they are univtrfally underflood to be things of courfe.
Wrangling and quarrelling, are char- n&eriftic of a weak mind ; leave that to the women ; be you always above it. En- ter into no (harp conteft, and pride your* felf in fhewiqg, if poflible, more civility to your antagonift than to any other in the company ; this will infallibly bring over all the laughers to your fide, and the perfon you are contending with will be very likely to confefs you have be- haved very handfomely throughout the whole affair.
Experience will teach us, that though all men confift principally of the lame materials, as I before took notice, yet a difference in their proportion
64 PRINCIPLES OF
two men are uniformly the fame : We differ from one another, and we often differ from ourfelves ; that is, we fome- times do things utterly inconfiftent with the general tenor of our characters. The wifeft man may occafionally do a weak thing; the mod honeft man, a wrong thing; the proudeil man, a mean thing; and the woift of men will fometimes do a good thing. On this account, our fiudy of mankind mould not be general ; we mould take a frequent view of indi- viduals, and though we may upon the whole form a judgment of the man from his prevailing paffion or his general character, yet it will be prudent not to determine until we have waited to fee the operations of his fubordinate appetites and humors.
For example; a man's general char- after may be that of illicitly honell. I would not difpute it, becaufe I would not be thought envious or malevolent; but I would not rely upon this general char? after, fo as to entruft him with my for- tune or life. Should this honeft man, as is not uncommon, be my rival in pow- tr, intereft, gr love^ lie may poffibly da
POLITENESS. tf£
things that in other circumflanccs he would abhor ; and power, intereft r.nd love, let me tell you, will often put hon- efty to the fevereft trial, and frequently overpower it. I would then ranfack this honeft man to the bottom, if I wiftiedto truft him, and as I found him, would place my confidence accordingly.
One of the great compolitions in our nature, is vanity, to which all men, more or lets, give way. Women have an in- tolerable fhare of it. No flattery, no adulation is too grofs for them ; thofe who flatter them moft, pleafe them beft, and they are moft in love with him, who pretends to be moft in love \rith them : And the leaft flight or contempt of them, is never forgotten. It is, in fbine mea- fure, the fame with men ; they will foon- er pardon an injury than an infult ; and are more hurt by contempt than by ill ulage. Though all men do not boaft of fuperioT talents, though they pretend not to the abilities of a Pope, a Newton, or a Bolingbroke, every one pretends to have common fenfe, and to difcharge his office in life with common decency ; to arraign ^herefore, in any fhape, his abilities or.
. « F
66 PRINCIPLES QF
integrity in the department he holds, xs an infult he will not readily forgive.
As I would not have you truft too im- plicitly to a man, becaufe the world gives him a good character, to I mufl particu- larly caution you againft thofe who fpeak well of themfelves. In general, fufpect thofe who boaft of, or affecl: to have any one virtue above all others, for they are commonly importers. There are excepr tions however to this rule, far we hear of prudes that have been chade, bullies that have been brave, and faints that have been religious. Confide only where your own oblervation (hall direct you; ob- ferve not only what is faid, but how it is faid, and if you have any penetration, you may find out the truth better by your eyes than your ears ; in fhort, never take a character upon common report, but in- quire into it yourfelf; for common re- port, though it is right in general, may be wrong in particulars.
Beware of thofe who on a flight ac- quaintance, make you a tender of their f'riendfhip, and feem to place a confi- dence in you ; it is ten to one but they Deceive and betray you ; however, dp
POLITENESS. 67
not rudely rejed them upon fuch a fup- pofition ; you may be civil to them, though you do not entrufl them. Silly men are apt to folicit your friendfhip, and unbofom themfelves upon the firft acquaintance ; fuch a friend cannot be worth hearing, their friendfhip being as flender as their underftanding ; and if they proffer their friendfhip with a de- fign to make a property of you, they are dangerous acquaintance indeed. Not but that the little friendfhips of the weak may be of fome ufe to you, if you do not return the copmliment ; and it may not be amifs to feem to accept of thofe defigning men. keeping them, as it were in play, that they may not be openly your enemies ; for their enmity is the next dangerous thing to their friendfhip. We may certainly hold their vices in ab- horrence, without being marked out as their perfonal enemy^ The general rule is to have a real referve with almoft eve- ry one, and a feeming referve with a!- mod no one : For it is very difgufiing to feem referved and dangerous not to be fo. Few obferve the true medium. Ma- ny are ridiculoufly myfterious upon tri-
158 PRINCIPLES OF
fles, and many difcreeily communicativq of all they know.
There is a kind of fhort lived friend- fhip that takes place among young men, from a connexion in their pleafures on- ly; a friendlhip too often attended with bad confequences. This companion of your pleafures, young and unexperien- ced, will, probably, in the heat of con- vivial mirth vow a perpetual friendship, and unfold hirnfelf to you without the leafl refer ve ; but new aflbciations, change of fortune, or change of place, may foon break this ill timed connexion, and an improper ufe may be made of it. Be one, if you will in young companies, and bear your part like others in all the fo- cial ieflivity of youth : nay, fruft them with your innocent frolics, but keep your ferious matters to yourfelf ; and if you rrsuftatany time make them known, let it be'to fome tried friend of great experi- ence ; and that nothing may tempt him to become your rival, let that friend be in a different walk of life from yourfelf.
Were I to hear a man making ftrong protections, and fwearing to the truth •of a thing, that is in itfelf probable and
POLITENESS. 69
very likely to be, I ihould doubt his ve- racity ; for when he takes fuch pains to make me believe it, it cannot be with a good defign.
There is a certain eafmefsor falfe mo- defty in mod young people, that either makes them unwilling or alhamed to re- fufe any thing that is afked of them. There is alfo an unguarded opennefs a. bout them that makes them the ready prey of the artful and defigning. They are eafily led away by the feigned friend- {hips of a knave or a fool, and too rafhly place a confidence in them, that termin- ates in their lofs, and frequently in their ruin. Beware, therefore, as I faid before, of thefe proffered friendfhips • repay them with compliments but not with con- fidence. Never let your vanity make you fuppofe that people become your friends upon a flight acquaintance ; for good offices muft be (hewn on both fides to create a friend fhip : It will not thrive, unlefs its love be mutual : And it re- quires time to ripen it.
There is dill among young people an- other kind of friendfhip, meiely nomin- al ; wairn indeed for a time, but fortu-
PRINCIPLES OF
nately of no long continuance. ThL friendship takes its. rife from their purfu- ing the fame courfe of riot and debauche- ry; their purfes are open to each other,they tell one another all they know, they em- bark in ihe fame quarrels, and Hand bv each other on alloccalions. I (hou'ld rather call this a confederacy againft good mor- als and good manners, and thwik it de- ferves 7 he levered lalhofthe law: But they have the impudence to call it friend- fiiip. However, it is often as fudd-.niy dii'iblved. as it is haftily contracted ; fome accident difperfes them, and they prefent- jy forget each other, except it is to bei ray and to laugh at their own egregious lolly. In ftiort. the fum of the whple is, to make a wide difference between compan- ions and friends ; for a very agreeable companion has often proved a very dan- gerous friend.
POLITENESS.
CHOICE OF COMPANY,
A HE next thing to the choice or friencu is the choice of your company.
Endeavor, as much as you can. to keep good company, and the company of your fuperio s ; for you will be held in eftimation according to the company you keep. By fuperiors, I do not mean fo much with regard to birth, as menu, and the light in which they are confidcr- ed by the world.
There are two forts of good company, the one confifls of perfons of birth, rank, and falhion ; the other of thofe who are diftinguifhed by fome peculiar merit, iri any liberal art or fcience, as men of let- ters, &c. and a mixture of thefe, is what 1 would have underflood by aood com- pany : For it is not what particular fets of people lhall call themfelves, but what the people in general acknowledge to be fo, and are the accredited good company of -the place.
72 PRINCIPLES OF
Now and then perfons without either birth, rank, or character, will creep into good company, under the protection of iome confiderable perfonage ; but, in general, none are admitted of mean de- 'grce. or infamous moral character.
In this fafhionable good company a* lone, can you learn the befl manners and the bed language: For, as there is no le- gal ftandard to form them by, it is here they are eftablifhed.
It may poilibly be queflioned, Wheth- er a man has it always in his power to get into good company ; undoubtedly, by deferring it he has, provided he is i?i circumfiances which enable him to live and appear in the flyle of a gentleman. Knowledge, modefly,and good breeding, will endear him to all that fee him ; for without politenefs, the fcholar is no bet- ter than a pedant, the philofopher than a cynic, the loldierthan a brute, nor any man than a clown.
Though the company of men of learn- ing and genius is highly to be valued, and occasionally coveted I would by no means have you always found in fuch company. As they do not live in the
POLITENESS. 73
world, they cannot have that eafy man- ner and addrefs which I would wifh you to acquire. If you can bear a part in fuch company, it is certainly advifeable to be in it fometimes, and you will be the more efleemed in other company by being fo; but let it not engrofs you, left you {hould be confidered as one of the literati, which, however refpeclable in name, is not the v;ay to rife or fhine in the fafbionable world.
But the company which, of all others, you {hould carefully avoid, is that which, in every fenfe of the word, may be called lew : Low in birth, low in rank, low in parts, and low in manners ; that company, who, infignificant and contemptible in themfelves, think it an honor to be feen withjpu, and who will flatter your follies, nay, your very vices, to keep you with them.
Though you may think fuch a caution unneceflfary , I do not ; for many a young gentleman of fenfe and rank, has been led by his vanity to keep fuch company, until he has been degraded, vilified and undone.
G
;4 PRINCIPLES OF
The vanity I mean, is that of being the firft of the company. This pride, though too common, is idle to the laft degree. Nothing in the world lets a man down fo much. For the fake of dictating, being applauded and admired by this low company, he is difgraced, and difqualified for better. Depend up- on it, in the eflima'ion of mankind, you will link or rife to the level of the com- pany you keep.
Be it then your ambition to get into the belt company ; and, when there, im- itate their virtues, but not their vices. You have, no doubt, often heard of gen- teel and fafhionable vices. Thefe are, whoring, drinking, and gaining. It has happened, that fome men, even with thefe vices, have been admired and ef- te med. Underftand this matter rightly ; it is not their vices for which they are admired, but for fome accomplifhments they at the fame time pcflefs; for th.-ir pa 'ts, their learning, or theii good breed- ing. Be aiftired, were they free from their vices, they would be much moreef- tetmed. In thele mixed characters, the
POLITENESS. 75
bad part is overlooked, for the fake of the good.
Should you be unfortunate enough to have any vices of your own, add not to their number, by adopting the vices of others. Vices of adoption are cf all oth- ers the mod unpardonable, for they have not inadvertency to plead. If people had no vices but their own, few would have fo many a> they have.
Imitate, then, only the perfections you meet with ; copy the politenefs, the ad- die's, the eafy manners of well bred peo- ple; and remember, let them (hine ever fo bright, if they have any vices, they are fo many blemifhes, which it would be as ridiculous to imitate, as it would to make an artificial wavt upon one's face, becaufe fome very handlorr>e man had the misfortune to have a natural one up* on his.
PRINCIPLES Of
LAUGHTER,
' us now defcend to minute mat- ters, which, though not fo important as thofe we have mentioned, are ftill far from inconfiderable. Of thefe, laughter is one.
Fiequent and loud laughter, is a fure fign of a weak mind, and nu lefs charao teriftic of a low education. It is the manner in which low bred men exprefs their filly joy, at filly things, and they call it being merry.
I do not recommend upon all occa- lions a folemn countenance. A man may fmile, but if he would be thought a gentleman and a man of fenfe, hefhould by no means laugh. True wit never made a man of fafhion laugh ; he is a- bove it. It may create a fmile, but a loud laughter fhews that a man has not the command of himfelf ; every one who would wifh to appear fenfible mull ab- hor it.
POLITENESS, 77
A man's going to (it down, on a Tup* pofition that he has a chair behind him, and falling for want of one, occadons a general laugh, when the beft pieces of wit would not do it; a fufficient proof how low and unbecoming laughter is.
BeGdes, could the immoderate laugher hear his own noife, or fee the faces he makes, he would defpife himfelf for his folly. : Laughter being generally fup- pofed to be the effeft of gaiety, its ab- fofdity is not properly attended to; but a lutle reflection will eafily reftrain it, and when you are told, it is a mark of low breeding, I perfuade myfelf you will endeavor to avoid it.
Some people have a filly trick of laughing whenever they fpeak ; lo that they are always on the grin, and their faces ever diftorted. This and a thouf- ••ind other tricks, fuch as fcratching their heads, twirling their hats, fumbling with their button, playing with their fingers, &c. &c. are acquired from a falfe rnod- efty at their firft outfet in life. Being Shamefaced in company, they try a vari- ety of ways to keep themfelves in coun- tenance ; thus they fall into trtofe
78 PRINCIPLES OF
ward habits I have mentioned, which grow upon them, and in time become habitual.
Nothing is more repugnant likewife to good breeding, than horfeplay of any fort, romping, throwing things at one an- other's heads, and fo on. They may pafs well enough with the mob, but they leffen and degrade the gentleman.
POLITENESS.
SUNDRY LITTLE ACCOMPLISH- MENTS.
I HAVE had reafon to obferve before, that various little matters, apparently trifling in themfelves, confpire to form the whole of pleafing, as, in a well fin- ifhed portrait, a variety of colors com- bine to complete the piece. It not be- ing neceflary to dwell much upon them, I mall content myfelf with juft men- tioning them as they occur.
i . To do the honors of a table grace- fully, is one of the outlines of a well bred man ; and to carve well, is an ar- ticle little as it may feem, that is ufeful twice every day, and the doing of which ill, is .not only troublefome to one's felf, but renders us difagreeable and ridicu- lous to others. We are always in pain for a man who inflea4 of cutting up a fowl genteely, is hacking for half an hour acrofs the bone, greafing himfelf, and befpattering the company with the fauce.
So PRINCIPLES OF
Ufe, with a little attention, is all that is requifite to acquit yourfelf well in this particular.
2. To be well received, you mufl alfo pay fome attention to your behavior at table, where it is exceedingly rude to fcratch any part of your body, to fpit, or blow your nofe, if you can pofiibly a- void it, to eat greedily, to lean your tU bows on the table, to pick your teeth be- fore the difhes are removed, cr to leave the table before grace is fold. •
3. Drinking of healths is now grow- ing out of fafhion, and is very unpolitc in good company. Cuftom had once made it univerfai, but the improved man- ners of the age, now render it vulgar, £ What can be be more rude .or ridicu- lous, than to interrupt perfons at their meals, with an unnecefTary compliment ? Abflain then from this filly cufiom, where you find it out of ufe; an<J ufe it only at thofe tables where it continues general.
4. A polite manner of refufing to comply with the felicitations of a com- pany, is alfo very necefTary to be learnt; for, a young man, who fecms to have nc
POLITENESS. 8*
will of his own, but does every thing that is aflced of him, may be a very good natured fellow, but he is a very filly one. If you are invited to drink at any man's houie, more than you think is wholefome, you may fay, " you wifh you could, but that fo little makes you both drunk and fick, that you mould only be bad company by doing it : Of courfe, beg to be excufed." If defired to play at cards deeper than you would, refufe it ludicroufly ; tell them, " if you were fure to lofe, you might poffibly fit down ; but that, as fortune may be fa- vorable, you dread the thought of hav- ing too much money, ever fmce you found what an incumbrance it was to poor Harlequin, and therefore you are refolved never to putyourfelf in the way of winning more than fuch or fuch a fum a day." This light way of declining in- vitations to vice and folly, is more be- coming a young man than philofophical or fententious refufals, which would only be laughed at.
5. Now I am on the fubje& of cards, I mufl not omft mentioning the neceflity of playing them well and genteely, if
8* PRINCIPLES OF
you would be thought to have kept good company. I wpuld by no means recom- mend playing at cards as a part of your ftudy, left you fhould grow too fond of it, and the confequenccs prove bad. It were better not to know a diamond from a club, than to become a gambler; but as cuflom has introduced innocent card playing at moft friendly meetings it marks the gentleman to handle them genteelv, and play them well; and as I hope will play only for fmall fums ; IK you lo'e your money, pray lofe it temper ; or win, receive your winnin , without ei her elation or greedinefs.
6. To write well and correct, and in a pleafing flyle, is another part of p education. Every man who has the uu of his eyes and his right hand can write whatever hand he pleafes. No'hing is fo illiberal as a fchoo! boy's fcrawl. I Would not have you learn a ftiff formal hand writing, like that of a fchoolmafter, but a genteel, legible and liberal hand, and to be able to write quick. As to the correftnefs and elegancy of your writing, attention to grammar does the one, and to the bed authors the other.
POLITENESS. »3
Epillolary correfpondence fhould not be carried on in a Rudied or affe6ted ftyle, but the language fhould flow from the pen, as naturally and as eaCly as it would from the mouth. In fhort, a letter fhould be penned in the fame flyle as you would talk to your friend if he was prefent.
7. If writing well fhews the gentle- roan, much more fo does fpflling well, It is fo efJentially necefTary for a gentle- man, or a man of letters, that one fajfe fpelling may fix a ridicule on him for the remainder of his life. Words in books are generally well fpelled, accord- ing to the orthography of the age ; read- ing, therefore, with attention, will teach every one to fpell right. It fometimes happens that words ihall be fpelled dif- ferently by different authors : But if you fpell them upon the authority of one, in eftimation with the public, you will ef- cape ridicule. Where there is but one way of fpelling a word, by your fpelling it wrong you will be fure to be laughed at tor a woman of a tolerable education would laugh at and defpife her lover, if he wrote to her, and the words were ill
84 PRINCIPLES OF
fpelled. Be particularly attentive thea to your f pell ing.
8. There is nothing that a young man, at his firft appearance in life, ought more to dread, than having any ridicule fixed on him. In the eftimation even of the mod rational men, it will leflen him, but ruin him with all the reft. Many a man has been undone by a ridiculous riic- name. The caufes of nicnaunes among well bred men, are generally the little defects in manner, air, or addrefs. To have the appellation of ill bred, awkward, muttering, leftlegged, or any other, tack- ed always to your name, would injure you more than you are aware of; avoid then thefe little defects (and they are ea- fiiy avoided) and you need never fear a nicname.
9. Some young men are apt to think, that they cannot be complete gentlemen, without becoming men of pleafure; and the rake they often miftake for the man of pleafure. A rake is made up of the meaneft and mod difgraceful vices. They all combine to degrade his character and ruin his health and fortune. A man of pleafure will refine upon the enjoyments
POLITENESS. 85
of the age. attend them with decency, and partake° of them becomingly. Indeed, he is too often lefs fcrupuious than he ftiould be, and frequently has caufe to repent it. A man of pleafuie, at be(l,is but a diflipated being, and what the ra- tional part of mankind muft abhor; I mention it, however, left in taking up the man of pleafure, youfhould fall into the rake : For of two evils always choofe the lead. A diffolute, flagitious foot- man may make as good a rake as a man of the firft quality. Few men can be men of pleafure /every *nan may be a rake. There is a certain dignity that fhould be preferved in all our pleafures; in love a man may lofe his heart, with- out lofing his nofe ; at table a man may have a diiHnguilhmg palate, without be- ing a glutton ; he may love wirie, with- out being a drunkard; he may game, without being a gambler; and fo on. Every virtue has.its kindred vice, and ev- ery pleafure its neighbouring difgrace. -Temperance and moderation mark the gentleman ; but excefs the blackguard. An end carefully, then, to the line that •'"Iks them ; and remember, flop rath- H *
86 PRINCIPLES OF
er a yard (hort, than flepaninch beyond it. Weigh the prefent enjoymemof your pleafures againft the neceffary confc- quences of them, and I will leave you to your own determination.
10. A gentleman has ever Tome regard alfo to the choice of his amufcnients ; if at cards, he will not be feen at cribbage, all fours, or putt; or, in fports of exer- cife, at Ikiitles, football, leapfrog, crick- et, driving of coaches, &c. but will pre- ferve a propriety in every part of his con- duct; knowing that any imitation of the manners of the inob, will unavoidably ftamp him with vulgarity. There is an- other arnufement too, which I cannot help calling illiberal, that is, playingup- on any tnufical inftnnnent. Muiic is commonly reckoned one of the liberal arts, and undoubtedly is fo ; but to be piping or fiddling at a concert is degrad.- ing to a man of fail] ion. If you love muiic, hear it ; pay fiddlers to play to you, but never fiddle yourielf. It ir*al:cs a gemieman appear frivolous and con- temptible, leads him frequently into bad company, and waltes "that time which might otherwife be well employed.
POLITENESS. 8;
11. Secrecy is another chara&eriftic of good breeding. Be careful never to tell in one company what you fee or hear in another; much lefs to divert the prefent company at the expenfe of the }aR. Things apparently indifferent may, when often repeated and told abroad, have much more ferious confequences than imagined. In converfation, there is generally a tacit reliance, that what is laid will not be repeated ; and a man, though not enjoined to fecrecy, will be excluded company, if found to be a tat- tler; befides, he will draw himfelf into a thoufand fcrapes, and every one will be afraid to fpeak before him.
12. Pulling out your watch in com- pany unafk^d, either at home or abroad, is a mark of ill breeding; if at home, it appears as if you were tired of your com- pany, and ivifhed them to be gone ; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, and you wifhed to be gone yourfelf. If you want to know the lime, withdraw; befides, as the taking uhafc is calied a French leave was introduced, that on. cne perfon's leaving the company the rell might not be difturbed, looking at
S8 PRINCIPLES 0?
your watch does what that piece of po- litenefs was defigned to prevent; it is a kind of dilating to ail prefent, and tell- ing them it is time, or almoil time to break up.
13. Among other things, let me cau- tion you againft ever being in a hurry ; a man of fenfe may be in hafte, but he is never in a hurry ; convinced that hurry is the furefb way to make him do what he undertakes ill. To be in a hur- ry is a proof that the bufinefs we embark in is too great for us ; of courfe it is the mark of little minds, that are puzzled and perplexed, when they (hould be cool and deliberate ; they wifh to do every thing at once, and are thus able to do nothing. Be Heady, then in all your engagements; look round you, before you begin ; and remember that you had better do half of them well and leave the reft undone, than to do the whole indif- ferently.
14. From a kind of falfemod^fty.mon: young men are apt to confider familiar- ity as unbecoming. Forwardnefs, I al- low, is f o ; but there is a decent famil- iarity that is neceffary in the courlr
POLITENESS, §9
life. Mere formal vifits, upon formal invitations, are not the thing; they ere- ate no connexion, nor will they prove of fervice to you ; it is thecarelefs and eafy ingrefs and egrefs, at all hours, that fe- cures an acquaintance to our intereit. . and this is acquired by a refpectful familiar- ity entered into, without forfeiting your confequence.
15. In acquiring new acquaintance, be careful not lo neglect your old. for a flight of this kind is feldorn forgiven. If you cannot be with your former ac- quaintance fo 'often as you ufed to be while you had no others, take care not to give them caufe to think you neglect them; call upon them frequently, though you cannot flay long with them; tell them you are forry to leave them fo foon, and nothing fhould take you away but certain engagements which good man- ners oblige you to attend to; for it will be your intereft to make all the friends you can, and as few enemies as poffible. Ey friends, I would not be under flood to mtan confidential ones; but perfons. '•vho fpcak of you refpectfully. and who, .'IHent with their own intereft, would H
$<> PRINCIPLES OF
wifo to be of fervice to you, and would rather do you good than harm.
16. Another thing I mult recommend to you, as charafteriitic of a polite edu- cation, and of having kept good compa- ny, is a graceful manner of conferring favors. The molt obliging things may be done fo awkwardly as to offend, while the mod difagreeable things may bedon3 fo agreeably as to pleafe.
17. A few more articles of general ad- vice, and i have done ; the firft is on the fubject of vanity. It is the common fail- ing of youth, and as fuch ought to be carefully guarded againft. The vanity I mean, is that whirh, if given way to, ftamps a man a coxcomb, a character he will find a difficulty to get rid of perhaps as long as he lives. Now tin's vanity fliews itfelf in a variety of fliapes ; one man fhall pride himfelf in taking the lead in all converfations, and peremptorily deciding upon every fubjeft ; another, defirous of appearing fticcefsful among the women, fha II infinuate the encour- agement he has met with, the conquefls he makes, and perhaps boafl of favors be never received : If he fpeaks tr
POLITENESS. 51
ungenerous : If falfe, he is a villain : But whether true or falfe, he defeats his own purpofes, overthrows the reputation he wilhes to eredi, and draws upon him- ieif contempt in the room of refpeft. Some men are vain enough to think they acquire confequence by alliance, or by an acquaintance with perfons of diftin- guifhed character or abilities ; hence they are eternally talking of their grandfather, Lord fuch a one; their kinfman, Sir William fuch a one; or their intimate friend, Dr. fuch a one, with whom, per- haps, they are fcarce acquainted. If ihey are ever found out, (and that they are fure to be, one time or other) they become ridiculous and contemptible : But even admitting what they fay to be true, <• What then ? A man's intrinfic merit does not rife from an ennobled al- liance, or a reputable acquaintance. A rich man never borrows. When angling for praife, modeltyis the fure ft bait. If '•:c would wifh to fhine in any particular character, we, mud never affecl; that char- after. An affectation wof courage will make a man pafs for a bully ; an affect- ation of wir, for a coxcomb ; and an af-
PRINCIPLES OF
fecbticn of fenfe. for a fool. Not that I would recommend hafhfulnefs or tim- idity ; No ; I would have every one know- his own value, yet not difcover that he knows it, but leave his merit to be found out by others.
18. Another thing worth your atten- tion is, if in company wi h an inferior not to let him feel* his inferiority ; if he difcovers it himfelf. without your en- deavors, the fault is not your's, and he will not blame you ; but if you take pains to mortify him, or to make him feel himfelf inferior to you in abilities, fortune or rank, it is an infult that will not readily be forgiven. In point of a- bilities, it would be unjufi, as they are out of his power ; in point of rank or fortune, it is ill nttured and ill bred. This rule is never more neceffarv than at table, where there cannot be a greater infult than to help an inferior to a part lie difiikes, or a part that nviy be v/nrfe than ordinary, and to take the b -ft to yourfelf. If you at any time iavke an inferior to your table, you put him, dur- ing the time he is there, upon an eo'.idi- Tty vn!h you, and it is an iQ of
POLITENESS. 93
eft rudcnefs to treat him in any refpecfc flightingly. I would rather double my attention to fucha perfon. and treat him with additional refpecl, led he (houlde- ven fuppofe himfelf neglected. There cannot be a greater iavngenefs or cruel- ty, or any thing more degrading to a iran of fafhion, than to put upon or take unbecoming liberties with him, whofe TDodefry, humility or refpe£t will not fuffer him to retaliate. True politenefs confifls in making every body happy a- bout you ; and as to mortify is to render unhappy, it can be nothing but the word of breeding. Make it a rule, rather to flatter a perfon 's vanity than otherwife ; make him, if poflible, more in love with himfelf, and you will be certain to gain his eflecm ; never tell him any thing he may not like to hear, nor fay things that^ will put him out of countenance, but let it be your fludyon all occafions topleafe; this will be making friends inftead of en- emies, and be a means of ferving your- felf in the end.
19. Never be witty, at the expenfe of any one prefent, nor gratify that idle in- clination which is too ftrong in moil
04 PRINCIPLES OF
young men, I mean laughing at, or rid- iculing the weaknelles or infirmities of others, by way of diverting the compa- ny, or difplaying your own fuperiority. Moft people have their wcaknefles, their peculiar likings and averfions. Some cannot bear the fight of a cat ; others the fmell of cheefe, and fo on ; was you to laugh at thefe men for their antipathies, or by defign or inattention to bring them in their way, you could not infult them more. You may poffibiy thus gain the laugh on your fide for the prefent, but it will make the perfon, perhaps, at whofe expenfe you are merry, your enemy for ever after; and even thofe who laugh with you, will, on a little reflection, fear you, and probably defpife you ; whereas to procure what one likes, and to remove what the other hates, would fliew them that they we're the objects of your atten- tion, and poffibiy make (hem more your friends than much greater fervices would have done- If you have wit ufe it to pleafe, but not to hurt. You may (bine, but take care not to fcorch. In (hott, never feem to fee the faults of others. Though among the mafs of men, there
POLITENESS. 95
are, doubtlefs, numbers of fools and knaves; yet were we to tell every one of thefe we meet with, that we know them to be fo, we {hould be in perpetual war. I would deteft the knave, and pity the fool, wherever I found him, but I would let neither of them know unneceflarily that I did f o ; as I would not be induf- trious to make myfelf enemies. As one rnufl pleafe others, then, in order to be pleafed one's felf; con fider what is a- greeable to you, muft be agreeable to them, and conduct yourfelf accordingly.
20. Whifpering in company, is an- other aft of ill breeding : It feems to in- finuate either that the perfons whom we would not wifh fhould hear are unwor- thy of our confidence, or it may lead them to fuppofe we are fpeaking improp- erly of them ; on both accounts, there- fore, abftain from it.
2 1 . So pulling out one letter after an- other and reading them in company, or cutting and pairing one's nails, is unpo- lite, and rude. It feems to fay, we are weary of the converfation, and are in want of fome amufernent to pafs away the time.
PRINCIPLES OF
22. Humming a tune to ourfelves, drumming with our fingers on the table, making a noife with our feet, and fuch like are all breaches of good manners, and indications of our contempt for the perfons prefent ; therefore they fhould not he indulged.
23. Walking fad in the 0 reels is a mark of vulgarity, implying hurry of bufinefs; it may appear well in a me- chanic or trade! man, but fuits ill with the character of a gentleman, or a man of fafhion.
24. Staring at any perfon you meet. full in the face, is an acl alfo of ill breed- ing; it looks as if you faw fometL wonderful in his appearance, and is there- fore a tacit reprehenfion.
25. Earing quick, or very flow at meals, is chara&eriflic of the vulgar; the firit infers poverty, that you have no: had a good meal for fome time ; the laft, if abroad, than you cuilike your enter- tainment ; if at home, that you are rude enough to fet before your friends what you cannot eat yourfelf. So again, ear- ing your foup with your nofe in the plate is vn-7~ar; it has the appearance of be-
POLITENESS. 97
ing ufed to hard work, and of courfe an unfteady hand. If it be neceflary then to avoid this, it is much more fo, that of fmelling your meat.
26. Smelling the meat while on the fork, before you put it in your mouth. I have feen many an ill bred fellow do this, and have been fo angry, that I could have kicked him from the table. If you diflijce what you have upon your plate, leave it ; but on no account,by fmelling to, or examining it, charge your friend with putting unwholefome proviflons be- fore you.
^7. Spitting on the carpet is a nafty practice, and mocking in a man of liber- al education. Was this to become gen- eral, it would be as neceflary to cha the carpets as the tablecloths ; be will lead our a^uai^tance to fuppofe that we have no^bee^ ufed to genteel furniture ; for this reafon alone, if for no other, by all means avoid it.
28. Keep yourfeif free likewife from odd tricks or habits, fuch as thrufling out your tongue, continually fnapping your fingers, rubbing your hands, figh- ing aloud, an affected fhivering of your I
98 PRINCIPLES OF
whole body, gaping with a noife like a country fellow that has been deeping in a hayloft, or indeed with any noife ; and many others, which I have noticed be- fore ; thefe are imitations of the manners of the mob, and are degrading to a gen- tleman.
A very little attention will get the bet- ter of all thefe ill bred habits, and, be allured, you will find your account in it.
POLITENESS.
EMPLOYMENT OF TIME.
H,MPLOYMENT of time, is a fubjeft, that from its importance, deferves your beft attention. Mod young gentlemen have a great deal of time before them, and one hour well employed in the early part of life, is more valuable, and will be of greater ufe to you, than perhaps four and twenty, fome years to come.
Whatever time you can fteal from company, and from the ftudy of the world ; (I fay company, for a knowledge of life is bell learned in various compan- ies) employ it in ferious reading. Take up fome valuable book, and continue the reading of that book till you have got through it ; never burden your mind with more than one thing at a time : And in reading this book do not run over it f u per fici ally, but read every paffage twice over, at leaft do not pafs on to a fecond until you thoroughly underftand the firft, nor quit the book till you are matter cf
ioo PRINCIPLES OF
the fubjecl; ; for uniefs you do this, you may read it through, and not remember the contents of it for a week. The books I would particularly recommend, among others, are, Cardinal Rctzs Maxims, Roch- efoucault's Moral Reflections, Bruyerc's Characters, Fontendl's Plurality of Worlds, Sir J-ofiah Child on Trade, Bolmgbrokes Works; for ftyle, his Rcmarksonthc Hif- tory of England, under the name of Sir John Qldcaftle ; Puffcndorf's Jus Genti- um, and Grotius de Juri Belli et Pads : The laft two are well tranflated by Bar- beyrac. For occafional half hours or lels, read the bed works of invention, wit and humor; but never wafte your min- utes on trifling authors, either ancient or modern.
Any bufinefs you may have to tranf- act, ihould be done the firft opportunity, and fimmed, if poflible, v/ithout inter- ruption ; for by deferring it, we may probably finifh it too late, or execute -it indifferently. Now, bufinefs of any kind fhould never be done by halves, but ev- ery part of it fhould be well attended to : For he that does bufinefs ill, had better not do it at all. And, in any point
POLITENESS. 101
which discretion bids you purfue, and which has a manifefl utility to recom- mend it, let not difficulties deter you ; rather let them animate your indaftry. If one method fails, try a fecond and a third. Be a&ive, perfevere, and you will certainly conquer.
Never indulge a lazy difpofitiop ; there are few things but are attended with fomc difficulties, and if you are frightened at thofe difficulties, you will not complerc any thing. Indolent minds prefer igno- rance to trouble ; they look upon m oil things as impoMiblebecaufe perhaps they are difficult. Even an hour's attention is too laborious for them, and they would rather content themfelves with the firft view of things, than take the trouble to look any farther into them. Thus, when they come to talk upon fubjedb to thofe who have ftudied them, they betray an unpardonable ignorance, and lay them- ' felves open to anfwers that confute them. Be careful then, (hat you do not get the appellation of indolent ; and, if poflfible, avoid the character of frivolous. For.
The frivolous mind is always bufied upon nothing. It miflakes trifling oh- i
102 PRINCIPLES OF
je£ts for important ones, and fpends that time upon little matters, that mould on- ly be bellowed upon great ones. Knick- knacks, butterflies, fhelis, and fuch like, en^ofs the attention of a frivolous man, and nil up all his time. He ftudies the drefs and not the characters of men, and his fubj.cls of converfation are no other than the weather, his own dosieftic af- fairs, his fervants, his method of manag- ing his family, the little anecdotes of "the neighbourhood, and the fiddle faddle ftories of the day ; void of information/ void of improvement. Thefe he relates with emphafis, as interefting matters. In fhort, he is a. male goffip. I appeal to your own feelings now, whether fuch things do not leifen a man, in the opin- ion of his acquaintance, and inftead of attracting efteem, create difguft.
POLITENESS 103
DIGNITY ot MANNERS.
JL HERE is a certain dignity of man* ners, without which the very bed charac- ters will not be valued.
Romping, loud and frequent laughing, punning, joking, mimicry, waggery, and too great and indifcriminate familiarity, will render any one contemptible,, in fpite of all his knowledge or his merit. Thefe may conftitute a merry fellow, but a merry fellow was never yet refpeft-. able. I ndi (criminate familiarity, will either offend your fuperiors, or make you. pafs for their dependent or toad eater, and it will put your inferiors on a degree of equality with you that may be trou- blefome.
A joke, if it carries a fting along with it, is no longer a joke, but ari affront ; and even if it has no fting, unlefsits wit- ticifm is delicate and facetious, iriftead of giving pleafure, it will difguft ; or if the company fkould laugh, they will
i«4 PRINCIPLES OF
probably laugh at the jcfter rather than the jeft.
Punning is a mere playing upon words, and far from being a mark of fenfe : Thus were we to fay fuch a drefs is com- modious, one of thefe wags, would anfwer odious i or, that, whatever it has been, it is now become odious. Others will give us an anfwer different from what we fhould expeft, without either wit. or the lead beauty of thought; as, 3 W/ure'smy lord ? In his clothes, unlefs he is in bed. $ How does this wine iafle ? A little moift, I think. $ How is this to be eaten ? With your mouth; and fo on ; all which (you will readily apprehend) is low and vul- gar. If your witticifms are not inflant- ly approved by the laugh of the compa- ny, for heaven's fake don't attempt to be witty for the future; for you may take it for granted, the defcft is in yourfelf, and not in your hearers.
As to a mimic or a wag, he is little elfe than a buffoon, who will diftort his mouth and his eyes to make people laugh. Be affured, no perfon ever cie~ ineaned himfelf to pleafe the reft, unlefs he wifhed to be thought the M,rry Andre?/
POLITENESS. 105
of the company, and whether this char- after is refpe&able, I will leave you to judge.
It a man's company is coveted on any other account than his knowledge, his good fenfe, or his manners, he is feldom refpecled by thofe who invite him, but made uie of only to entertain. " Let's have fuch a one, for he ungs a good fong, or he is always joking or laugh- ing ;" or, " Let's fend for fuch a one, for he is a good bottle companion ;" thefc are degrading di(lin£tions, that preclude all refpedfc and efleem. Whoever is had (as the phrafe is) for the fake of any qualification fmgly, is merely that thing he is had for, is never confidered in any other light, and, of courfe, never prop- erly refpe&ed, let his intrinfic merits be what they will.
You may poffibly fuppofe this dignity of manners to border upon pride ; but it differs as much from pride, as true courage from bluftering.
To flatter a perfon, right or wrong, is abject flattery; and to confent readily to do every thing prcpofed bv a Company, be it, filly or criminal, is full as degrad-
*c6 PRINCIPLES OF
ing as to difpute warmly upon every fubjecl:, and to contradi£t upon all occa- fions. To preferve dignity, we fhould rnodeftly aflert our own fentiments, though we politely acquielce in thofe of others.
So again, to fupport dignity of char- after, we ftjould neither be frivoloufly curious about trifles, nor be laborioufly intent upon little obje&s that deferve not a moment's attention ; for this implies an incapacity in matters of greater im- portance.
A great deal likewife depends upon our air, addrefs, and exprefiions ; an awkward addrefs and vulgar expreflions, infer either a low turn of mind, or low education.
Infolent contempt, or low envy, is in- compatible alfo with dignity of manners. Low bred perfons, fortunately lifted in the world, in fine clothes and fine equip- ages, will infolently look down on all thofe who cannot afford to make as good an appearance, and they openly envy thofe who perhaps make a better. They alfo dread being flighted ; of courfe are fufpicious and captious; are uneafy
POLITENESS. 107
themfelves, and make every body elfe fo about them.
A certain degree of outward feriouf- nefs in looks and adions gives dignity, while a conftant fmirk upon the face (that infipid filly fmile, which fools have ivhen they would be civil) and whiffling motions are ftrong marks of futility.
But, above all, a dignity, of character is to be acquired beft by a certain firm- nefs in all our aclions. A mean, timid and paflive complaifance lets a man down more than he is aware of; but flill his firmnefs and resolution Ihould not ex- tend to brutality, but be accompanied with a peculiar and engaging (oftnefs or mildnefs.
If you difcover any haftinefs in your temper, and find it apt to break out into rough and unguarded expreffions, watch it narrowly, and endeavor to curb it; but let no complaifance, no weak defire of pleaGng, no wheedling, urge you to do that which difcretion forbids ; but perfift and perfevere in all that is right. In your connexions and friendfhips, you will ^nd this rule of ufe to you. Invite and prcferve attachments by your firm-
io8 PRINCIPLES OF
nefs : But labor to keep clear of enemies, by a mildnefs of behavior. Difarm thofe enemies you may unfortunately have, (and few are without them) by a gentle- nefs of manner ; but make them feel the fleadinefs of your juft refentment : For there is a wide difference between bear- ing malice and a determined felf defence ; the one is imperious, but the other is prudent and juftifiable.
In directing your fervants, or any per- fon you have a right to command ; if you deliver your orders mildly, and in that engaging manner which every gen- tleman fhould fludy to do, you will be cheerfully, and consequently well obey- ed : But if tyrannically you will be very unwillingly ferved. if ferved at all. A cool, Heady determination fhould fhew that you will be obeyed, but a gentlenefs in the manner of enforcing that obedience fhould make fervice a cheerful one. Thus will you be loved without being defpifed, and feared without being hated.
I hope I need not mention vices. A man who has patiently been kicked out of company, may have as good a pretence to courage, as one rendered infamous by
POLITENESS, 209
his vices may to dignity of any kind ~ however, of fuch confequence are ap- pearances, that an outward decency and an affected dignity of manners will even keep luch a man the longer from finking. If therefore you fhould unfortunately have no intrinfic merit of your own, keep up, if poffible. the appearance of it; and the world will poflibly give you credit for the reft. A verlatility of manners is as neceffary in focial life, as a versatility of parts in political. This is no way blaiu- able, if not ufed with an ill defign. We muft,like the cameleon, often put on ihe hue of the perfons we wiih to be well with : And it fureiy can never be blam- able, to endeavor to gain the good will or affection of any one, if when obtain- ed, we do not mean to abufe it.
K
no PRINCIPLES OF
RULES FOR CONVERSATION.
JTlAVING now given you full and fufficient inftru&ions for making you well received in the beft of companies ; nothing remains but that I lay before you feme tew rules for your conduct in fuch company. Many things on this fubjeft I have mentioned before ; but fome few matters remain to be mentioned now.
1. Talk then frequently, but not long together, left you tire the perfons you are fpeaking to ; for few perfons talk fo well upon a fubjecl:, as to keep up the atten- tion of their hearers for any length of time.
2. Avoid telling ftories in company, unlefs they are very fhort indeed, and very applicable to the fubjeft you are up- on ; in this cafe rotate 4Jhem in as few words as p^flible, without the lead di- greffion, and with fome apology ; as that you hate the telling of ftories, but the Ihortnefs of it induced you. And, if
POLITENESS. in
your ftory has any wir in it, be particu- larly careful not to laugh at it yourfelf. Nothing is more tirefome and difagreea- ble than a long tedious narrative ; it be- trays a gofliping difpofition, and great want of imagination ; and noihing is more ridiculous than to exprefs an ap- probation of your own ftory, by a laugh,
3. In relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions orvery hackneyed expreffions, fuch as fays he, Q\' fays /he. Some people will ufe thefe fo often, as to take off the hearer's attention from the ftory; as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe fhall per- haps found the? whole time we are play- ing, and confufethe piece, fo as not to be underftood.
4. DigrefTions, likewife, fhould be guarded againft. A ftory is always more a- greeable without them. Of this kind are, " The gentleman I am idling you of, is the
fon of Sir Thomas — -who lives in Ha r Icy Jlreet ; you mujl know him — his brother had a horfe that won the J wet p /lakes at the lajl Newmarket meeting — Zounds / if you don't know him you know nothing." Or, ft He teas an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his oivn long hair ."' ^ Don't you 'recollect
iri PRINCIPLES OF
•Mm ? All this is unneceffary ; is very thefome and provoking, and would be an excufe for a man's behavior, if he was to leave us iu the midlt of our nar- rative.
5. Some people have a trick of hold- Ing the perfons they are fpeaking to by
button, or the hand, in order to be heard out; confcious, 1 fuppofe, that their tale is tirefome. Pray never do this : If the.perfon you fpeak to is not as willing to hear your ftoiy, as you are to tell it, you had much better break off in the middle; for if you tire them once, they will be afraid to liflen to you a fee- ond time.
6. Others have away of punching the peribn they are talking to in the fide, and at the end of every fentence, afking him fome fiich queflions as the following : — " <i Wai n't I right in that ?" "You know J toll you for" "£ What's your opin- ion r" and the like; or perhaps, they will be thruding him, or jogging him iv i th their elbow. For mercy's fake nev- er give way to this ; it will make your company dreaded.
POLITENESS. 113
7. Long talkers are frequently apt to fmgle out fome unfortunate man prefent; generally the mod filent one of the com- pany, or probably him who lits next to him. To this man, in a kind of half whifper, will they run on for half ,:m hour together. Nothing can be more ill bred. But, if one of thefe unmerciful talkers mould attack you, if you wiQi to oblige him, I would recommend the hear- ing him with patience : Seem to do fo, at leaft, for you could not hurt him more than to leave him in the middle of his (lory, or difcover any impatience in the courfe of it,
8. IncefTant talkers are very difagree- able companions. Nothing can be more rude than to engrofs the converfafiion to yourfelf, or to take the words, as it were, out of another man's mouth. Every man in company has an equal claim to bear his part in the'converfation, and to de- prive him of it is not only unjuft, but a tacit declaration that he cannot fpeak fo well upon the fubjecl: as yourfelf; you will therefore take it up. And, <i What can be more rude ? I would as foon for- give a man that fhould flop my mouth
n4 PRINCIPLES OF
when I was gaping, as take my words from me while I was fpeaking them. Now, if this be unpardonable, it cannot fce lefs fo.
9. To help out or foreflall the flow fpeaker, as if you alone were rich in ex- pi Miens, and he were poor. You may take it for g! anted, every one is vain e- nough ;o think he can ralk well, though he may modeflly deny it ; helping a per- fcn therefore out in his ex, reflions, is a correction that will fram^ the coire&or iviih impudence and ill manners.
10. Thole who coniradicl others upon all occafions, and make every aflertiona matter of difpute, betray by this behavior an unacquaintance with good bleeding. He therefore who wifhes to appear ami- able ivi:h thole he converfes with, will be cautions of fuch expreflions as thefe, *' That can't be true. Sir." " The affair is as I fay." " That mufl be fa!fe, Sir." " If what you fay is true," £c. You may as well tell a man he lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his veracity. It is equally as rude to be proving eveiy trifling aflerrion with a bet or wager. t:I'li bet you fifty of it," and fo on.
POLITENESS. ii£
Make it then a conftant rule in matters of no great importance, complaifantly to fubmu your opinion to thac of others ; for a victory of this kind ofien cods a man the lofs of a friend.
11. Giving advice unafked is another peice of rudenefs ; it is in effect declar- ing ourfelves wifer than thofe to whom we give it ; reproaching them with igno- rance and inexperience. Jc is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any com- mon acquaintance, and yet there are thofe, who will be offended, if their advice is not taken. " Such a, one," fay they, ':is above being advifed. Hefccrns to liften to my advice;" as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect every one. to (ubmjt to their opinion than fora man, fometimes to fqllow his own.
12. There is nothing founpardonably rude, as a feeming inattention to the per- fon who is fpeaking to you ; though you may meet with it in others, by all means avoid it you/felf. Some ill bred people, while o:hers are fpeaking to them, will, inftead of looking a^, or attending to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceil- ing, or fome piclure in the room,
rid PRINCIPLES OF
out of the window, play with a dog, their watch chain, or their cane, or probably pick their nails or their nofes. Nothing betrays a more trifling mind th ;n this; nor can any thing be a greater affront to the perfon fpeaking ; it being a tacit de- claration, that what he is faying is not worth your attention. Conftder with yourfelf how you would like fuch treat- ment, and I am perfuaded you will nev- er (hew it to others.
13. Surlinefs or morofenefs is incom- patible alfo with politenefs. Such as, fhould any one fay, " he was defired to prefent Mr. fuch a one's refpe6ts to you,1' to reply, Cf ^ What the devil have I to do with his refpefts ?" *'; My Lord enquir- ed after you lately, and afked how you did." to anfwer, " If he wifties to know, let him come and feel my pulfe ;" and the like. A good deal of this often is af- fecled ; but whether affecled or natural, it is always offenfive. A man of this (lamp will occafionally be laughed at, as an oddity ; but in the end, will be def- pifed.
14. I mould fuppofe it unneceflfary to advife you to adapt vour converfation to
POLITENESS. 117
the company you are in. You would not furely flart the fame fubjecl, and dif- courfe of it in the fume manner, with the old and with the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philofopher. and a wo* man! No; your good fenfe will un- doubtedly teach you to be lerious with the ferious, gay with the gay, and to tri- fle with the triflers.
15. There are certain expreffions which are exceedingly rude, and yet there are people of liberal education that fome- times ufe them ; as, {i You don't under- ftand me, Sir." " It is not fo." " You miftake." " You know nothing of the matter/' &e. Is it not better to lay, " I believe I do not exprefs myfelf fo as to be underltood. Let usconfideritagain, whether we take it right or not.1' It is much more polite and amiable to make fome excufe for another, even in cafes where he might juftly be blamed, and to reprefent the miilake as common to both, rather than charge him with infenlibility or incomprehension.
16. If any one fhould have promifed you any thing and not have fulfilled that promife, it would be very unpolite to tell
ii8 PRINCIPLES OF
him, he has forfeited his word ; or if the fame perfon Jhould have -difappointed you, upon any occafion, would it not be better to fay, " You were probably fo much engaged, that you forgot my af- fair/' or, " Perhaps it flipped your mem- ory ;" rather than, " You thought no more about it," or, " You pay very little regard to your word." For expreflions of this kind leave a fting behind them. They are a kind of provocation and af- front, and very often bring on lading quarrels.
17. Be careful not to appear dark and myfterious, left you mould be thought fufpicibus ; than which there cannot be a .ore unamiable character. If you ap- pear myfterious and referved, others will be truly fo with you ; and in this cafe there is an end to improvement, for you will gather no information. Be referved, but never feem fo.
18. There is a fault extremely com- mon with fome people which I would havej'ow to avoid. When their opinion is afked, upon any fubjecl;, they will give it with fo apparent a diffiden e and tim- idity, that one cannot, without the uN
POLITENESS. 119
mofl pain, liften to them ; efpecially if they are known to be men of univerfal knowledge. " Your lordfhip will par- don me," fays one of this (lamp. " If I fhould not be able to fpeak to the cafe in hand, fo well as might be wifhed." — " I'll venture to fpeak of this matter to the bed of my poor abilities, and dulnefs of apprehenfion." — " I fear I fhall ex- pofe myfelf, but in obedience to your lordfhip's commands" — and while they are making thefe apologies, they inter- rupt the bufinefs and tire the company.
19. Always look people in the face, when you fpeak to them, otherwife you will be thought confcious of forne guilt; befides, you lofe the opportunity of read- ing their countenances, from which you will much better learn the impreflion your difcourfe makes upon them than you can poflibly do from their words ; for words are at the will of every one, but the countenance is frequently invol- untary.
20. If in fpeaking to a perfon, you are not heard, and fhould be defired to repeat what you faid, do not raife your voice in the repetition, left you Chould
120 PRINCIPLES OF
be thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you had faid before ; it was probably owing to the hearer's inatten- tion.
21. One word only, as to fwearing. Thofe who addift themfelves to it, and interlard their difcourfe with oaths, can never be confidered as gentlemen ; they are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome in what is called good company. It is a vice that has no temptation to plead, but is, in every ref- peft, as vulgar as it is wicked.
22. Never accuflom yourfelf to fcan- dal, nor liflen to it; for though it may gratify the malevolence of forne people, nine times out of ten it is attended with great difadvantages. The very perfons you tell it to, will, on reflection, enter- tain a mean opinion of you, and it will often bring you into very difagreeable lituations. And as there would be no evil fpeakers, if there were no evil hear- ers ; it is in fcandal as in robbery ; the receiver is as bad as the thief.
Befides, it will lead people to fbun your company, fuppofing that you will
POLITENESS. 121
fpeak ill of them to the next acquaintance you meet.
23. Mimicry, the favorite amufement of little minds ; has been ever the con- tempt of great ones. >iever give way to it yourfelf, nor ever encourage it in o- thers ; it is the mod illiberal of all buf- foonery, it is an infult on the perfon you mimic ; and intuits, I have often told you, are feldom forgiven.
24. Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people's domeflic con- cerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain ; by entering into the o- ther, you will be confidered as officious. Talking of yourfelf i an impertinence to the company ; your affairs are nothing to them; befides they cannot be kept too fecret. And as to the affairs of others, £ What are they to you ? In talking of matters that no way concern you. you are liable to commit blunders, and mould you touch any one in a fore part, you may pofTibly lofe his eileem. Let your converfation then in mixed companies always be general.
25. Jokes, bon mots, or the little plea- fantries of one company, will not often
L
122 PRINCIPLES OF
bear to be (old in another ; they are quently local, and take their rife from certain circurnftances ; a fecond compa- ny may not be acquainted with thefe cir- cu EC dances, and of courfeyour (lory be mifunderflood, or want explaining; and it after you have prefaced it with—
" I will tell you a gocd thing"
the fling fhould not be immediately p<*r- ctivcd, you will appear exceedingly ri- diculous, and wifh you had not told it. Never then repeat in one place what you hear in another.
d6. In moil debates, take up the fa- vorable fide of the quell ion ; however,, let me caution you againfl being clam- orous, that is, never maintain an argu- ment with heat, though you know your- felf right ; but offer your fentiments mod- eftly and coolly, and if this does not prevail, give it up. and try to change th-e iubject by faying fomething to this ef- fect; (i 1 find we (hall hardly convince one another, neither is there any neceffi- ty to attempt it ; fo let us talk of fome- thing elfe."
27. Not that I would have you give up your opinion always: No; allot
POLITENESS,
your own fentiments, and oppofe thofe of others when wrong, but let your man- ner and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways affecled. If you con- tradict, do it with, " I may be wrong,
|jut 1 won't be pofitive, but I really
think 1 fhould rather fuppofe If
I may be permitted to fay" andclofe
your difpute with good humor, to fhew that you are neither difpleafed yourfelf nor meant to difpleafe the perfon you difpure with.
28. Acquaint yourfelf with the char^ after and fituations of the company you go into, before you give a loofe to your tongue; for fhould you enlarge onfome virtue, which any one prefent may noto- riou fly want; or fhould you condemn feme vice, which any of the company may be particularly addicted to, they will be apt to think your reflections pointed and perfonal, and you will be ' lure to give offence. This confidciation will natur.illy lead you not to fuppofe things faid in general, to be levelled at yotu
29. Low bred people, when they hap- pen occafionally to be in good company,
i24 PRINCIPLES OF
imagine themfelves to be the fubje& of every feparate converfation. If any part of the company whifpers, it is about them ; if they laugh, it is at them ; and if any thing b (aid which they do not comprehend, they immediately fuppofe it is meant of them. This miitakeis ad- mirably ridiculed in one of our celebrat- ed comedies. " I am fure, fays Scrub, they were talking of mr , for they laugh- ed confumedly." Now, a well bred per- fon never thinks himfelf difefteemed by the company, or laughed at, unlefs their reflections are fo grofs, that he cannot be fuppofed to miftake them, and his hon- or obliges him to refent it in a proper manner ; however, be allured, gentlemen never laugh at or ridicule one another, unlefs they are in joke, or on a footing of the greateft intimacy. If fuch a thing fhould happen once in an age, from fome pert coxcomb, or fome flippant woman, it is bed not to feem to know it, than make the leaft reply.
30. It is a piece of polilenefs not to interrupt a perfon in a flory, whe.her you have heard it before or not. Nay, if a well bred man is afked, whether he
POLITENESS. 125
has he.ird it, he will anfwer no, and let the perfon go on, though he knows it al- ready. Some are fond of telling a flory, becaufe they think they tell it well; o- thers pride them Pelves in being rhe firft teller of it ; and others are pleated at be* ing thought entrufted with it. Now, all thefe perfons you would .difappomt by anfwering yes. And, as I have told you before, as the greateft proof of politenefs ts to make every body happy about you, I would never deprive, a perfon of any •fecret fatisfa&ion ' of this fort, when I could gratify him by a minute's atten- tion.
31. Be not afhamed of afking quell - ions, if fuch queflions lead to informa- tion ; always accompany them with fome cxcufe, and you never will be reckoned impertinent. But, abrupt queftions, with- out fome apology, by all means avoid, as they imply defign. There is a way of fifhing for fafts, which, if done judi- ciouQy, will anfwer every purpofe ; fuch as, taking things you wifh to know for granted : This will perhaps lead fome officious perfon' to fet you right. So a-
ii?, by faying, you have heard fo and
125 PRINCIPLES Or
fo, and fometimes Teeming to know more than you do, you will often get at infor- mation which you would lofe by direct queilions, as thefe would putpeopleup- qn their guard, and frequently defeat the very end you aim at.
32. Make it a rule never to reflccl on any body of people, for, by this means you will create a number of enemies. There are good and bad of all profeflions, lawyers, foldiers, parfons or citizens, They are ;ill men, fubjecl; to the fame padions, differing only in their manner, according to the way they have been bred up in. For this reafon it is unjuft as well as indifcreet. to attack them a^ a corp'-', collectively. Many a young man has thought himfelf extremely clever in abufmg the clergy. -( What are the clei- gy more than other men ? ^ Can you fup- pofe a black gown can make any altera- tion in his nature ? Fie, fie; think feri- cufly, and I am convinced you will nev- er do it.
33. But above all, let no example, no fafhion, no witticifm, no foolifh defire of rifing above what knaves call prejudice?, tempt you to cxi.ufe? extenuate or ridi-
POLITENESS. 12;
cule the breach of morality, but upon ev- ery occafion fhew the greatest abhorrence of fuch proceedings, and hold virtue and religion in the higheft veneration.
34. It is a great piece of ill manqers to^ntenupt any one while fpeaking, by fpeaking yourfelf, or calling off the at- tention of the company to any foreign matter. But this every child knows.
35. The lad thing I fhall mention is that of concealing your learning, except on particular occafions. Referee this for learned men, and let them raiher ex- ton it from you, than you be too willing to difplay it. Hence you will be thought xncdeil, and to have more knowledge than you really have. Never ieern wife or more learned than the company you are in. Pie who aflr^clbs to fhew his learning will be frequently queflion^d ; and if found fuperficial, will be Ineered at ; if otherwife, he will be deemed a pedant. Real merit will always fhew itfeif, and nothing can leflen it in the opinion of the world, but a man's exhibiting it himfelf.
For God's fake revolve all thefe things ferioufly in your rnind, before you go a- broad into life. Recoiled th/j obferva-
128 PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS.
tions you have yourfelf occasionally made upon men and things, cornp)r£ them with my inftruclions, and a el wife- ly and confequentiallj'*, as they fliall te.ich you.
ND or PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS.
FATHER'S LEGACY
TO HIS
DAUGHTERS.
BY THE LATE DR. GREGORT, MY DEAR GIRLS.
Y OU had the misfortune to be depriv- ed of your mother, at a time of life when you were infenfible of your lofs, and could receive little benefit, either from her inilrudtion, or her example. Before this comes to your hands, you will like* wife have loft your father.
130 INTRODUCTION.
I have had many melancholy reflec- tion s on the forlorn and he] pie is fitua- tion you muft be in, if it (how Id pleafe God to remove me from you before you arrive at that period of life, when you will be able to think and ad for your- felves. 1 know mankind too well. I know their faifhood, their diffipation, their coldnefs to all the duties of friend- fhip and humanity. I know the little at- tention paid to helplefs infancy. You will meet with few friends diiinterefted enough to do you good offices, when you are incapable of making thewi any re- turn, by contributing to their intereft or their pleafure, or to the gratification of their vanity.
I have been fupported under the gloom nanirally arifing from thefe reflections, by a reliance on the goodnefs of that Providence wh.ch has hitherto preferv- ed you, and given me the mod pleaftng pcofpect of the goodnefs of your difpo- fitions ; and by the fecret hope that your mother's virtues will entail a bielling on her children.
The anxiety I ha^e for you'-happinefj; has made me refolve to throw together
INTRODUCTION. 131
my fentiments, relating to your future conduct in life. If I li ve for fome years, von will receive them with much greater advantage, fuited to your different ge- uiufes and difpofuions. If I die fooner, you muft receive them in this very im- perfect manner — the laft proof of my af- teclion.
You will all remember your father's fondnefs, when perhaps every other cir- cumflance relating to him is forgotten. This remembrance, I hope, will induce you to give a ferious attention to the ad- vices I am now going to leave with you. — I can rcqueft this attention with the greater confidence, as my fentiments on the moft interefling points that regard life and manners, were entirely corref- pondent to your mother's, whofe judg- ment and taile 1 truiled much rr^ore than my own.
You mufl expec! that the advice which I mall give you will be Very imperfect, as there are many namelefs delicacies in female manners, of which none but a woman can judge.
You will have one advantage by at- tending to what I am going to leave with
S3£ INTRODUCTION.
you; ycu will hear, at leaft for once in your lives, the genuine fen dm en ts of a man, who has no intereft in flattering or deceiving you. I (hall throw my reflec- tions together without any fiudied order, and (hall only, to avoid confufion, range them under a few general heads.
You will fee, in a little treatifeof mine juft publifhed, in what an honorable point of view I have confidered your, fex ; not as domeftic drudges, or the Haves of our pleafures, but as our companions and equajs ; as defigncd to foften our hearts and poliUi our manners ; and as Thomfon finely fays,
To razfe the virtues, animate the blifft Andfiueetcn all the toils of human, life.
I fhall not repeat what I have there £aid on this fubjecl:, and fhall only ob- ferve, that from the view I have given of your natural character and place in fo- ci ety, there arifes a certain propriety of conducl peculiar to your fex. It is this peculiar propriety of female manners of which I intend to give you my fenti- ments. without touching on thofe gener-
INTRODUCTION. 133
al rules of conduft by which men and women are equally bound.
While I explain to you that fy ft em of condufl which I think will tend moil to your honor and happinefs, I (hall, at the fame time, endeavor to point out thofe virtues and accomplishments which ren- der you moft relpeclable and moft ami- able in the eyes of my own fex.
M
134 RELIGION.
RELIGION.
HOUGH the duties of religion, ly fpeaking, are equally binding on both fexes, yet certain differences in their nat- ural character and education, render fome vices in your fex peculiarly odious. The natural hardnefs of our hearts, and flrength of our paflions, inflamed by the uncontroled licenfe we are too often in- dulged with in our youth, are apt to ren- der our manners, more diflblute, and make us left" fufceptible of the finer feel- ings of the heart. Your fuperior delica- cy, your modefty, and the ufual feverity of your education, preferve you, in a great meafure, from any temptation to thole vices to which we are moft fubjeft- ed. The natural foftnefs and fenfibility of your difpofitions particularly fit you for the pra6tife of thofe duties where the heart is chiefly concerned. And this a- long with the natural warmth of your
RELIGION. 135
imaginations, renders you peculiarly fuf- ceptible of the feelings of devotion.
There are many circum (lances in your fituation that peculiarly require the fup- ports of religion to enable you to a6l in them with fpirit and propriety. Your whole lire is often a life of fuffering. You cannot plunge into bufinefs, or dif- fipare yourfelves in pleafure and riot, as men too often do, when under the pref- fure of misfortunes. You muft bear your forrows in filence, unknown and unpitied. You muft often put on a face of ferenity and cheeriuJmfs, when your hearts are torn with anguifh, or finking in defpair. Then your only lefource is in the confolations of religion. I- is « -fly owing to thefe that you bear do- irjeftu; misfortunes better than we do.
But you are fometimes in very differ-
enr circumflances, that equally require
the r< its of religion. The natural
. .,\\d perhaps the natural vanity
. ex, are very apt to lead you in-
^ipated ilate of life, that deceives
i. under the appearance of innocent pleafure; but which in reality waftes your fpirits, impairs your health, weak-
s36 RELIGION.
ens all the fuperior faculties of your minds, and often fullies your reputa- tions. Religion, by checking this difli- pation and rage for pleafure, enables you to draw more happinefs, even from thofe very fources of amufeinent. which when too frequently applied to, are often pro- ductive of faticty and difguft.
Religion is rather a matter of fenti- ment than reafoning. The important and interefting articles of faith are ium- ciently plain. Fix your attention on thefe, and do not meddle with controver- fy. If you get into that ; you plunge into a chaos, from which you will never be able to extricate yourfelves. Ir fpoils the temper, and, I fufpetl, has no good effect on the heart.
Avoid all books, and all converfation, that tend to make your faith on thofe great points of religion which mould ferve to regulate your conduct, and on. which your hopes of future and eternal happinefs depend.
Never indulge yourfelves in i^icule on religious fubjecls ; nor give counte- nance to it in others, by feeming divert- ed with what they fay. This, to people
RELIGION. 137
of good breeding, will be a fufficient check.
I wifti you to go no farther than the Scriptures for your religious opinions. Embrace thofe you find clearly revealed. Never perplex yourfelves about fuch as you do not underftand, but treat them with filent and becoming reverence. — I would advife you to read only fuch re- ligious books as are addrefled to the heart, fuch as inipire pious and devout affections, fuch as are proper to direct; you in your conduct, and not fuch as tend to entangle you in theendlefs maze of opinions and fyflems.
Be punctual in the Hated performance of your private devotions morning and evening. If you have any fenfibility or imagination, this will eilablifh fuch an inteicourfe between you and the Su- preme Being, as will be of infinite con- fequence to you in life. It will commu- nicate an habitual cheerfulnefs to youi tempers; give a firmnefs and fteadineH to your virtue, and enable you to g^ through all the viciffitudes of human lif with propriety and dignity.
133 RELIGION,
1 with you to be regular in your aN tendance on public worfhip, and in re- ceiving the communion. Allow nothing to interrupt your public or private devo- tions, except the performance of fome aftive duty in life, to which they fhould always give place.— In your behavior at public wo; fhip, obferve an exemplary at- tention and gravity.
That extreme ftriclnefs which I recom- mend to you in thefe duties, will be con- iidered by many of your acquaintance as a fuperflitious attachment to forms ; but in the advice I give you on this and other fubjecb. I have an eye to the fpir- it and manners of the age. There is a levity and diffipation in the prefent man- ners, a coldnefs and liilleffnefa in what- ever relates to religion, which cannot fail to infect you, unlefs you purpofcly cul- tivate in your minds a contrary bias, and make the devotional tafte habitual.
Avoid all grimace and oftentation in your religious duties. They are the u- fual cloaks of hypocrify ; at lead they (hew a weak and vain mind.
Do not make religion a fubjccl of :ommon converfation ill mixed compan-
RELIGION. 133
ies. When it is introduced, rather feem to decline it. At the fame time, never fuffer any perfon to infult you by any fooiifh ribaldry on your religious opin- ions, but Ihew the lame refentment you would naturally do on being offered any other perfona! inlult. But the fureil way to avoid this, is by a modefl referve on the fubjedl, and by ufing no freedom wirh others about their religious fenti- metUs.
Cultivate an enlarged charity for all mankind, however they may differ from you in thjir religious opinions. That difference may probably a ilefromcauf- es in which you had no thare. and from which you can derive no merit.
Shew your reg.ird to religion, by a dif- tinguifhing refpecl to all its mini Hers, of whatever perfuafion, n-hodo not by their lives dilhonor their profeflions ; but nev- er allow them the direction of yourcon- fciences left they taint you with the nar- row fpirit of their pnrty.
The bell effecl: or your religion will be a diffufive humanity to all in diflrefs. • — Set apart a certain proportion of you1 income as facred to charitable purpofes
i*o , RELIGION.
But in this as well as in the pra&ife of every oiher duty, carefully avoid orien- tation. Vanity is always defeating her own purpofes. Fame is one of the nat- ural rewards of virtue. Do not purfue her, aiH ;lie will iollow you.
Do not confine your charity to giving money. YL»U may have many opportu- nities of (hewing a tender and compaf- fionate fpirit where your money is not wanted. There is a falfe and unnatural refinement in fenfibility, which makes fome people fliun the fight of every ob- ject in diftrefs. Never indulge this, ef- p«cially where your friends or acquaint- ances are concerned. Let the davs of their misfortunes, when the world for- gets or avoids them, be the feafon for you to exercife your humanity and friendfhip. The fight of human mifery foftens the heart, and makes it better; it checks the pride of health and profperi- ty, and the diftrefs it occasions is amply compenfated by the confcioufnefs of do- ing your duty ,*• and by the fecret endear- ments which nature has annexed to all our fympathetic forrows.
RELIGION. 141
Women are greatly deceived, when they think they recommend themfelves to our lex by their indifference about re- ligion. Even thofe men who are them- felves unbelievers diflike infidelity in you. Every man who knows human na- ture, connects a religious taftc in your fex with foitnefs and fenhbiiity of heart; at lead we always confider the want of it as a proof of that hard and ma feu line fpirit, which of all your faults \vedifltke the mod. Befides, men confider your religion as one of their principle lecuvi- ties for that female virtue in which they are mod interefled. If a gen le-nan pre- tends an attachment to any of you. and endeavors to fhake y ur religious prin- ciples, be allured he is either a fool, or has defigns on you which he dares not openly avow.
You wilt probably wonder at my hav- ing educated you in a church different from my own. The reafon was plainly this : I looked on the differences between our churches to be of no real impoiv tance, and that a preference of one to the other was a mere matter of tafte. Your mother was educated in the church of
142 RELIGION.
England, and had an attachment to it, and I had a prejudice in favor of every thing (he liked. It never was her defne that you fhould be baptized by a clergy- man of the church of England, or be ed- ucated in that church. On the contrary, the delicacy of her regard to the f mailed circumftattce that could affect me in the eve of the world, made her anxioafly in- fift it might be orherwife. But I could not yield to her in that kind of generali- ty.— When I loft her, I became ft ill more determined to educate you in that church, as I feel a fecret pleafure in doing every thing that appears to me to exprefs my affection and veneration for her memory. • — I draw but a very faint and imperfect piclure of what your mother was, while I endeavor to point out what you ihouid be.*
* The reader will remember, that fuch observations as ref- peft equally both fexesare all along as much aspoflible avoid- ed.
CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR. 143
CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR.
the chiefeft beauties in a fe- male character is that modeft referve, that retiring delicacy, which avoids the pub- lic eye, and is disconcerted even at the gaze of admiration. — I do not wifh you to be infenfible to applaufe. If you were, you mufl become, if not worfc, at lead lefs amiable women. But you may be dazzled by that admiration, which yet rejoices your hearts.
When a girl ceafes to blufli, me has loft the moft powerful charm of beauty. That extreme lenfibihty which it indi- cates, may be a weaknefs and incum- brance in our fex, as I have too often felt ; but in your.* it is peculiarly engag- ing. Pedants, who think themfelves phi- lofophers,alk why a woman ihould blufh when fhe is confcious cf no crime. It is a fufncicnt anfwer, that Nature has made you to blufh when you are guilty of no fault, and has forced us to love you be-
*44 CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR,
caufe you dofo. — Blufhingis fo far from being neceflarily an attendant on guilt, that it is the ufual companion tof inno- cence.
This modefty, which I think fo eflen- tial in your fex, will naturally difpofe you *o be rather filent in company, ef- pecially in a large one.— People of fenfe and difcernment will never miftake fuch filence for dulnefs. One may take a (hare in converfation without uttering a fyllable. The expreffion in the counte- nance (hews it, and this never efcapes an obferving eye.
1 {houlci be glad that you had an ea- fy dignity in your behavior at public pieces, but not that confident eafe, that unabafhed countenance, which feems to fet the company at defiance. — If, while a gentltman is fpeaking to you, one of fu- perior rank addrefTes you, do not let your eager attention and vifible preference be- trav the flutter of your heart. Let your pride on this occafion preferve you from that meannefs into which your vanity would fink you. Confider that you ex- pofe yourf elves to the ridicule of the com- pany j and affront one gentleman only to
CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR- 145
iVell the triumph of another, who per- haps thinks he does you honor in fpeak- ing to you.
Converfe with men even of the firii rank with that dignified modefty, which may prevent the approach of the mod diftant familiarity, andconfequemly pre- vent them from feeling themfelvcs your iuperiors.
Wit is the moft dangerous talent you can poffefs. It mud be guarded with great difcretion and goodnature, other- wife it will create you many enemies. It is perfectly confident with foftnefs and delicacv; yet they are feldom found u- nited. XVit is ib flattering to vanity, that thofe who po'icis it become intoxi- cated, and lofe all felf command.
Humor is a different quality. It will make your company much folicited ; but be cautious how you indulge it. — It i< ofien a great enemy to delicacy, and £ ilili greater one to dignity of character. It may fomctimes gain you applaufe, but will never procure you refpe6l.
Be even cautious in difplaying your good fenfe. It will be thought you af- iume a fuperiority over the red of the N
246 CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR.
company. But if you happen to have any learning, keep it a profound fecrefc, efpecially from the men, who generally look with a jealous and malignant eye on a woman of great parts, and a culti- vated underftanding.
A man of real genius and candor is far fuperior to this uneannefs. Butfuch a one will feldom fall in your way ; and if by accident he fhould, do not be anx- ious to Ihew the full extent of your know- ledge. If he has any opportunities of feeing you, he will foon difcoverit him- felf ; and if you have any advantages of perfon or manner, and keep your own fecret, he will probably give you credit for a great deal more than you poflefs. — The great art of pleafmg in converfa- fation confifls in making the company pleafed with themfelves. You will more readily hear than talk yourfelves into their good graces.
Beware of detraction, efpecially where your own fex are concerned. You are generally accufed of being particularly addicted to this vice ; I think unjuflly. — Men are fully as guilty of it when their interefts interfere. As your inter-
CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR. 147
efts more frequently clam, and as your feelings are quicker than ours, your temptations to it are more frequent. For this reafon, be particularly tender of the reputation of your own fex, efpecially when they happen to rival you in our regards. We look on this as the ftrong- eft proof of dignity and true great nefs of mind.
Shew a compaflionate fympathy to un- fortunate women, efpecially to thofe who are rendered fo by the villainy of men. Indulge a fecret pleafure, I may fay pride, in being the friends and refuge of the unhappy, but without the vanity of fhewing it.
Coniider every fpecies of indelicacy in converfation, as (hamefulin itfelf,and as highly difgufting to us. All double en- tendre is of this fort. — The diilblutenefs of men's education allows them to be di- verted with ajcind of wit, which yet they have delicacy enough to be (hocked at, when it comes from your mouths, or e- ven when you hear ft without pain and contempt. Virgin purity is of that deli- cate nature, that it cannot hear certain things without contamination. It is al-
143 CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR.
ways in your power to avoid thefe. No man, but a brute or a fool, will infult a xvoman with converfation which he fees gives her pain ; nor will he dare to do it, if fhe r.efent the injury with a becom- ing fpirit. — There is a dignity in con- fcious virtue which is able to aive the mo ft iliamelefs and abandoned of men.
You will be reproached perhaps with prudery.- By prudery is ufually meant an afTe&ation of delicacv. Now I do riot wifh you to affect delicacy ; I wifli you to pofTefs it. At any rate, it is bet- ter to run the rifk of being thought ridic- ulous than difgufting.
The men will complain of your re- ferve. They will allure you, that a franker behavior would make you more amiable. But truft me, they are not fin- cere when they tell you fo. — I acknow- ledge, that on fome occafions it might render you more agreeable as compan- ions, but it would make you lefs amia- ble as women ; an important diftin&ion which many of your fex are not aware of. — After all, I wifh you to have great eafe and opennefs in your converfation. 1, only point out fome confiderations
CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR. 149
which ought to regulate your behavior in that refpecl.
Have a facred regard to truth. laying is a mean and defpicable vice. — I have known fome women of excellent parts, who were fo much addicted to it, that they could not be trufted in the relation of any ftory, efpecially if it contained any thing of the marvellous, or if they themfelves were the heroines of the tale. This weaknefs did not proceed from a bad heart, but was merely the effect of vanity, or an unbridled imagination. — I do not mean to cenfure that lively em- bellifhmcnt of a humorous (lory, which is only intended to promote innocent jnirth.
There is a certain gentlenefs of fpirit and manners extremely engaging in your fex ; not that indifcriminate attention, that unmeaning fimper, which fmiles on all alike. This arifes, either from an af- fe&ation of foftnefs, or from perfect in- fipidity.
There is a fpecies of refinement in. luxury, jufl beginning to prevail among the gentlemen of this country, to which our ladies are yet as great ftrangers as
!£$ CONDUCT AVD BEHAVIOR.
any women upon earth ; I hope, for the honor of the fex, they may ever continue io : I mean, the luxury of eating. It is a defpicable felfifh vice in men, but in your fex it is beyond exprefiion indeli- cate and difgufting.
Every one who remembers a few years back, is fenfible of a very finking change in the attention and refpeft formerly paid by the gentlemen to the ladies. Their drawing rooms are deferted ; and after dinner and fupper, the gentlemen are impatient till they retire. How they came to lofe this refpeft, which nature and politenefs fo well entitle them tor I {hall not here particularly inquire. The revolutions of manners in any country depend on caufes very various and com- plicated. I fhall only obferve, that the behavior of the ladies in the laft age was very referred and {lately. It would now be reckoned ridiculoufly ftiflp and formal. Whatever it was, it had certainly the ef- fect of making them more refpe&ed.
A fine woman, like other fine things in nature, has her proper point of view, from which fhe may be feen to rnoil ad- vantage. To fix this point requires great
CONDUCT AKD BEHAVIOR. 1^1
judgment, and an intimate knowledge of the human heart. By the prefent mode of female manners, the ladies feem to ex.- pe£l that they fhall regain their afcend- ancy over us, by the fulled difplay of their perfonal charms, by being always in our eye at public places, by converf- ing with us with the fame unreferved freedom as we do with one .another ; in fhort, by refembling us as nearly as they poflibly can. — But a little time and ex- perience will (hew the folly of this ex- pectation and conduct.
The power of a fine woman over the hearts of men, men of the fineft parts, is even beyond what {he conceives. They are feniible of the pleafing illufion, but they cannot, nor do they wifh to dilfolve it. But if (he is determined to difpe! the charm, it certainly is in her power : She may foon reduce the angel to a very or- dinary girl.
There is a native dignity, an ingenuous modefty to be expe&ed in your fex, which is your natural protection from the familiarities of the men, and which you fliould feel previous to the reflection that it is yourintereft to keep vourfelver,
152 CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR.
facred from all perfonal freedoms. The many namelefs charms and endearments of beauty fhould be referved to blefs the arms of the happy man to whom you give your heart, but who, if he has the lead delicacy, will defpife them, if he knows they have been proflituted to fifty men before him. — The fentiment, that a woman may^llowall innocent freedoms, provided her virtue is fecure, is both grofsly indelicate and dangerous, and has proved fatal to many of your fex.
Let me now recommend to your at- tention that elegance, which is not fo much a quality itfelf, as the high polifh of every other. It is what difluies an ineffable grace over every look, every motion, every fentence you utter. It gives that charm to beauty without which it generally fails to pleafe. It is partly a perfonal quality, in which refpecl: it is the gift of nature ; but I fpeak of it prin- cipally as a quality of the mind. In a word, it is the perfection of tafte in life and manners ; — every virtue and every excellence, in their moft graceful and a- miable forms.
CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOR. 1,53
You may think perhaps I want to tkroiv every fpark of nature out of your competition, and to make you entirely artificial. Far from it. I vviih you to poffefs the mofl perfe6t limplicity of heart and manners. I think you may poffefs dignity without pride, affability without meannefs, and iimple elegance without affectation. Milton had my i- dea, when he fays of Eve,
Grace iuas in all her ftepst Heaven in her eye> /.*i every gefture dignity and loi'e, '
AMUSEMENTS,
AMUSEMENTS.
jLj VERY period of life has amufements which are natural and proper to it. You may indulge the variety of your taftes in thefe, while you keep within the bounds of that propriety which is fuitable to your fex.
Some amufements are condufive to health, as various kinds of exercife : Some are connected with qualities really ufeful, as different kinds of women's work, and all the domeflic concerns of a family : Some are elegant accomplifh- ments, as ,drefs, dancing, mufic and drawing. Such books as improve your underflanding, enlarge your knowledge, and cultivate your tafte, may be confid- ered in a higher point of view than mere amufements. There are a variety of o- thers, which are neither ufeful nor orna- mental, fuch as play of different kinds.
I would particularly recommend to you thofe exercifes that oblige you to be
AMUSEMENTS. 1,5.5
much abroad in the open air, fuch as walking, and riding on horfeback. This will give vigour to your conftitutions, and a bloom to your complexions. If you accuftom yourfelves to go abroad always in chairs and carnages, you will loon become fo enervated, as to be una- ble to go out of doors without them. They are like moft articles of luxury, ufeful and agreeable when judicioufly ufed ; but when made habitual, they be- come both infipid and pernicious.
An attention to your heakh is a duty you owe to yourfelves and to your friends. Bad health feldom fails to have an influence on the fpirits and temper. The fined geniufes, the moft delicate minds have very frequently a correfpond- ent delicacy of bodily conftitutions, which they are too apt to neglec~h Their luxury lies in reading and late hours, e- qual enemies to health and beauty.
But though good health be one of the greateft bleffings of life, never make a boaft of it, but enjoy it in grateful fi- lence. We fo naturally afibciate the i- dea of female foftnefs and delicacy with a correfpondent delicacy of conftitution,
156 AMUSEMENTS.
that when a woman fpeaks of her great ftrength, her extraordinary appetite, her ability to bear excedive fatigue, we recoil at the defcription in a way fhe is little aw.are of.
The intention of your being taught needlework, knitting, and fuch like, is not on account of the intiinfic value of all you can do with your hands, which is trifling, but to enable you to judge more perfectly of that kind of work, and to direct the execution of it in otherso Another principal end is to enable you to fill up, in a tolerably agreeable way, fome of the many folitary hours you inuft neceffarily pafs at home. It is a great article in the happinefs of life, to have your pleafures as independent of o~ thers as poffible. By continually gad- ding abroad in fearch of atnufement, you lofe the refpect of all your acquaintan- ces, whom you opprefs with thofe vifits, which, by a more difcrcet management, might have been courted.
The domeftic economy of a family is entirely a woman's province, and fur- nifhes a variety of fubjects for (he exer- tion both of good ienfe and good tafte.
AMUSEMENTS, 157
If you ever come to have the charge of a family, it ought to engage much of your time and attention ; nor can you be ex- cufed from this by any extent of fortune, though with a. narrow one the ruin that follows the neglect of it may be more immediate.
1 am at the greatefl lofs what to ad- vife you in regard to books. There is no impropriety in your reading hi {lory, or cultivating any art orfcience to which genius and accident leads you. The whole volume of Nature lies open to your eye, and furnifhes an infinite va- riety of entertainment. If I was fure that Nature had given you fuch flrong principles of tafte and fentiment as would remain with you, and influence your fu- ture conduct, with the utmofl pleafure would 1 endeavor to direct your reading in fuch a way as might form that tafle to the utmoft perfeftion of truth and ele- gance. " But when I reflect howeafy it is to warm a girl's imagination, and how difficult deeply and permanently to af- feQ her heart ; how readily fhe enters into every refinement of fentiment, and how eafily fhe can facrifice them to van. O
i$8 AMUSEMENTS.
ity or convenience;" I think I may very probably do you an injury by artificial- ly creating a tafte, which, if Nature nev- er gave it you, would only ferve to ern~ barrafs your future conduct. — I do not want to make you any thing; I want to know what Nature has made you, and to perfect you on her plan. I >do not wifli you to have fentiments that might per* plex you : I wifh you to have fentiments that may uniformly and fteadiiy guide you, and fuch as your hearts fo thorough* ly approve, that you would rot forego them for any consideration this world could offer.
Drefs is an important article in female' life. The love of drefs is natural royou, and therefore it is proper and reafonablc, Good fenfe will regulate your expenfr. in it, and good tafte will dirett you to drefs in fuch a way as to conceal any blemifhes, and fet off your beauties, if you have any, to the jrvearefl advantage. But much delicacy aud judgment are re- quired in the application of this rule. A line woman fhews her charms to mo ft rd vantage, when (he feems moil to con- ceal them. The fintfl. bofom in nature
AMUSEMENTS. 159
is not fo fine as what imagination forms. The moil perfect elegance of drefs ap- pears always the moil eafy, and the leaft iludied.
Do not confine your attention to drefs to your public appearances. Accuflom yourlelves to an habitual neatnefs, fo that in the mod carelefs undrefs, in your unguarded hours, you may have norea- ibn to be afhamed of your appearance. — You will not eafily believe how much we confider your drefs as expreflive of your characters. Vanity, levity, floven- linefs, folly, appear through it. An el- egant fimplicity is an equal proof of tafle and delicacy.
In dancing, the principal points you are to attend to are eafe and grace. I would have you to dance with fpirit ; but never allow yourfelves to be fo far tranfported with mirth, as to forget the delicacy of your fex. — Many a girl dan- cing in the gaiety and innocence of her heart, is thought to difcover a fpirit flie little dreams of.
I know no entertainment that gives fuch pleafure to any perfon of fentimerH or humor, as the theatre, But I am for-
160 AMUSEMENTS.
ry to fay, that there are few Englifh cora- edies a lady can fee, without a fbock to delicacy. You will not readily fufpeft the comments gentlemen make on your behavior on fuch occafions. Men are often bed acquainted with the mod worthlefs of your fex, and from them too readily form their judgment of the reft. A virtuous girl often hears very indeli- cate things with a countenance no wife embarraffed, becaufe in truth fhe does not underfland them. Yet this is, mod ungeneroufly, afcribed to that command of features, and that ready prefence of mind, which you are thought to poiTefs in a degree far beyond us ; or, by flill more malignant obfervers, it is afcribed to hardened effrontery.
Sometimes a girl laughs with all the fimplicity of unfuTpecling innocence, for no other reafon but being infected with other people's laughing : She is then be- lieved to know more than fhe mould do. — If (he does happen to underftand an im- proper thing, fhe fuffers a very compli- cated diftrefs : She feels her modefly hurt in the mod fenfible manner, and at the fame time is afhamed of appearing
AMUSEMENTS, 161
confcious of the injury. The only way to avoid thefe inconveniences, is never to go to a play that is particularly offenfive
to delicacy. Tragedy fubje&s you to
no fuch diftrefs. — Its forrows will foften and ennoble your hearts.
I need fay little about gaming, the la- dies in this country being as yet almoft ftrangers to it. It is a ruinous and in- curable vice ; and as it leads to all the felfifh and turbulent paffions, is pecu- liarly odious in your fex. I have no objection to your playing a little at any kind of game, as a variety in your a- mufemenrs, provided that what you can poflibly lole is fuch a trifle as can neither intereft nor hurt you.
In this, as well as in all important points of conduct, fhew a determined refolution and fleadinefs. This is not in the lead inconfiflent with that foftnefs and gcntlenefs fo amiable in your fex, On the contrary, it gives that fpirit to a mild and fweet difpoiition, without which it is apt to degenerate into inii- pidity. It makes you refpectable in your own eyes, and dignifies you in
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
JL HE luxury and difiipation that vail in genteel life, as they corrupt the heart in many refpecls, fo they render it incapable of warm, fincere and fleady friendfhip. A happy choice of friends will be of the utmoft confequence to you, as they may affift you by their advice and good offices. But the immediare gratification which friendfhip affords to a warm, open and ingenuous heart, is of itfelf a fufficient motive to court it.
Jn the choice of your friends, have principal regard to goodnefs of heart and fidelity. If they alfo poflfefs tafle and genius, that will ftili make them more agreeable and ufeful companions. You have particular reafon to place con- fidence in thofe who have fhewn affec- tion for you in your early days, when you were incapable of making them any return. This is an obligation for which you cannot be too grateful : Wher
l£Nt)SHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 163
read this, you will naturally think of your mother's friend, to whom you owe io much.
If you have the good fortune to meet v/ith any who deferve the name of iriends, unbofom yourielves to them n-ith the mo ft unfufpicious confidence. It is one of the world's maxims, never to truft any perfon with afecret, the difcoi'- cry of which could give you any pain ; but it is the maxim of a little mind and a cold heart, unlefs where it is the effecl: of frequent difappointmetns and bad u- fage. An open temper, if reftrained but by tolerable prudence, will make you on the whole, much happier than a referved fufpicious one. although you may fome- times fufferby it. CoMnefs anddiftruft are but the too certain confequences of -ge and experience ; but they are un-
Jant feelings, and need not be anti- cipated before their time.
But however open you may be in talk-
of your own affairs, never difclofe livj fecrets of one friend to another.
fe are facred depofits, which do not
r.g to you, nor have you any right to
104 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE
There is another cafe in which I faf- pecl it is proper to be fecret, not To much from motives of prudence, as delicacy. I mean in love matters. Though a wo- man has no reafon to be afhamed of an attachment to a man of merit, yet nature, whofe authority is fuperior to philofo- phy, has annexed a fenfe of fhame to k. It is even long before a woman of deli- cacy dares avow to her own heart thai: {he loves ; and when all the fubterfuges of ingenuity to conceal i: from herfelf fail, ihe feels a violence done both to her pride and to her modelty. This. I Ihoald imagine, mult akvays be the cafe where ihe is not Cure of a return to her attach- .ment.
In fuch a fituation, to lay the heart open to any perfon whatever, does not appear to me confident with the perfec- tion of female delicacy. But perhaps I am in the wrong. — At the fame time I muft tell you, that, in point of prudence, it concerns you to attend well to the con- fequences of fuch a difcovery. T-hefe fecrets, however important in your own ellimation, may appear very trifling to yoar friend, who poflibly will not enter
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. iff5
into your feelings, but may rather con- fdcr them as a fubjeft of pleafantry. Tor this reafon, love fecrets are of all o- s the worit kept. But the confe- <]ucnces to you may be very ferious, as
-.:ian of {pirn and delicacy ever valu- ed a heart much hackneyed in the ways of love.
If therefore, you mufl have a friend to pour out your heart to, be furc of her honor and fccrecy. Let her not be a narried woman, efpecially if (he lives happily with her hufband. There are certain unguarded moment?, in which fuch a woman, though thebefl and wor- mieft of her fex, may let hints efcape, which at other times, or to any other per Ion than her hufband, (he would be incapable of; nor will a hufband in this cafe feel himfelf under the lame obliga- tion of fecrecy and honor, as if you had put your confidence original!'/ in him- ielf, efpecialiy on a fubjecl which the world is apt to treat fo lightly.
If all other cirtum dances are equal, there are obvious advantages in your making friends of one another. The ties of blood, and your being Ib much
166 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAC
united in. one common intereft, form an additional bond of union to your friencl- fhip. If your brothers fbould have the good fortune to have hearts fufceptible of friendfhip, to poffefs truth, honor, fenfe, and delicacy of fentiment, they are the fitted and moft unexceptionable con- fidants. By placing confidence in them, you will receive every advantage which you could hope for from the friendfhip of men, without any of the inconvenien- ces that attend fuch connexions with our fex.
Beware of making confidants of your fervants. Dignity not properly under- ftood very readily degenerates into pride, which enters into no friendfhips,becaufe it cannot bear an equal, and is fo fond of flattery as to grafp at it even from Servants and dependants. The moft in- timate confidants, therefore, of proud people are valets de chamber and wait- ing women. Shew the utmofl humanity to your fervants ; make their fnuation as comfortable to them as poflible : But if you make them your confidants, you fpoil them, and dcbafe yourfelves.
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 167
Never allow any perfon, under the pretended fanclion of friendihip, to befo familiar as to lofe a proper refpeft for you. Never allow them to teafe you on any fubjecl that is difagreeable, or where you have once taken your reiolution. Many will tell you. that this referve is inconfiftent with the freedom which friendfhip allows. But a certain refpecl: is as neceffary in friendiliip as in love. Without if, you may be liked as a child, but you will never be beloved as an equal.
The temper and difpofuions of the heart in your fex make you enter more readily and warmly into fiiendfhips than men. Your natural propcnfity to it is fo ftrong, that you often run into inti- macies which you foon have fufHcient caufe to repent of; and this makes your friendships fo very fluctuating.
Another great obftacleto the ilncerity as well as flcadinefs of your friendships is the great clafhing of your interefts in the purfuits of love, ambition, or vanity. For thefe reafons, it mould appear at firft view more eligible for you to- con- tract your friend (hips with the men. A- mong other obvious advantages of an ea-
i68 FKli:XUSHIP: LOVE, MARRIAGE,
fy intercourfe between ihe two fexes. i: occa lions an emulation and exertion m each to excel and be agreeable : Hence their refnective excellencies arc mutuia communicated and blendid. — As their irjtereils in no degree inteifeic. there be no foundation for jealouiy or IV. cion or nvaiihip. Ths fViendiiiip ol man for a woman is always blendtdi a tendernefs,, which he never feels one. of his own lex, even where Ijvc .. in no degree concerned. B.:fiJ; confcious of a natural title you ha\ < our protection and good offices, ; therefore we feel an additional obligat of honor to fer\-e you. and to obfcrvv inviolable fecrecy, whenever you ccufrJ in us.
But apply thefe observations with gro^t caution. Thou (anas of women or beft hearts and fined paits have been ju- ined by men who approached them un- der the ipecious name or friendfhip. Bui luppofing a man to have the in oil doubted honor, yet his frienclihip tc ;; v.-oman is fo near akin to love, that it fhe be very ligrccable in h = will probabjy very foon.Lnd
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 169
where fhe only wifhed to meet a friend. Let me here, however, warn. you againfl that weaknefs fo common among vain women, the imagination that every man who takes particular notice of you is a lover. Nothing can expofe you more to ridicule, than the taking up a man on the fufpicion of being your lover, who perhaps never once thought of you in that view, and giving yourfelves thofe airs fo common among filly women on itich occafions.
There is a kind of unmeaning gallant- ly much prafitfed by fome men, which, if you have any discernment, you will find realy harmlefs. Men of this fort will attend you to public places, and be ufeful to you by a number of little ob~ iervances, which ihofe of a fuperiorclafs do not fo well underfland, or have not leifure to regard, or perhaps are too proud to fubmit to. Look on the com- pliments of iuch men as words of courfe, which they repeat to every agreeable wo- man of their acquaintance. There is a familiarity they are apt to aiTume, which a proper dignity in your behavior will be eafily able to check, P
170 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE,
There is a different fpccies of men whom you may like as agreeable com- panions, men of worth, tafle and genius, whofe converfation, in fome refpecls, may be fuperior to what you generally meet with among your own fex. It will be foolim in you to deprive yourfelves of an ufeful and agreeable acquaintance, merely becaufe idle people fay he is your lover. Such a man may like your com- pany, without having any defign on your perfon.
People whofe fentiments, and particu- larly whofe tafles correfpond, naturally like to afTociate together, although nei- ther of them have the moft diflant view of any further connexion. But as this fimilarity of minds often gives rife to a more tender attachment than friendfhip, it will be prudent to keep a watchful eye over yourfelves. left your hearts become too far engaged before you are aware of it. At the fame time, I do not think that your fex, at leaf! in this part of the world, have much of that fenfibiiity which difpofes to fuch attachments. What is commonly called love among you is rather gratitude, and a partiality
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 171
to the man who prefers you to the reft of your fex ; and fuch a man you oficn marry, with little of either perfonal ef- teem or affe&ion. Indeed, without an unufual (hare of natural lenfibility, and very peculiar good fortune, a woman in this country has very little probability of marrying for love*
It is a maxim laid down among you, and a very prudent one it is, That love is not to begin on your part, but is en- tirely to be the confequence of our at- tachment to you. Now fuppofinga wo- man to have fenfe and tafte, me will not find many men to whom (he can poffibly be fuppofed to bear any confiderable {hare of efteem. Among thefe few, it is a very great chance if any of them dif- tinguifhes her particularly. Love, at lead with us, is exceedingly capricious, and will not always fix where reafon fays it fhould. But fuppofing one of them mould become particularly attached to her, it is (till extremely improbable that he mould be the man in the world her heart mod approved of.
As, therefore, Nature has not given you that unlimited range in your choice
t;2 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
which we enjoy, (he has wifely and be- nevolently affigncd to you a greater flex- ibility of tafte on this fubjeft. Some a- grceablc qualities recommend a gentle- man to yuur common good liking and friandfhip. In the courfe of his ac- quaintance, he contracts an attachment to you. \V hen you perceive it, it excites your gratitude ; this gratitude rifes into a preference, and this preference, perhaps at laft advances to fome degree of attach- ment, efpecially if it meets with crofles and difficulties, for thefe, and a (late of fufpenfe, are very great incitements to attachment, and are the food of love in both fexes. If attachment was not ex- cited in your fex in this manner, there is not one of a million of you that could ever marry with any degree of love.
A man of tafle and delicacy marries a woman becaufe he loves her more than any other. A woman of equal tafteand delicacy marries him becaufe (he efleems him, and becaufe he gives her that pre- ference. But if a man unfortunately be- comes attached to a woman whofe heart is fecretly preengaged, his attachment, inflead of obtaining a fuitablc return, is
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 173
particularly offenfive ; and if he perfifts to teafe her, he makes himfelf equally the object of her fcorn and averfion.
The effects of love among men are di- verfified by their different tempers. An artful man may counterfeit every one of them fo as eafily to impofe on a young girl of an open, generous and feeling heart, if me is not extremely on her guard. The fined parts in fuch a girl may not always prove fuScient for her fecurity. The dark and crooked paths of cunning are unfearchable, and incon- ceivable to an honorable and elevated mind.
The following, I apprehend, are the mod genuine effects of an honorable paf- fion among the men, and the mod diffi- cult to counterfeit. A man of delicacy often betrays his paffion by his too great anxiety to conceal it, efpecially if he has little hopes of fuccefs. True love, in all its ftages, feeks concealment, and never experts fuccefs. It renders a man not only refpectful, but timid to the higheft degree in his behavior to the woman he loves. To conceal the awe he f lands in of her, he may fometimes effect pleafant-
174 FRIENDSHIP, 'LOVE, MARRIAGE.
ry, but it fits awkwardly on him, and he quickly relapfes into ferioulnefs, if not into dulncfs. He magnifies all her real perfections in his imagination, and is ei- ther blind to her failings, or converts them into beauties. Like a perfon con- fcious of guilt he is jealous that every eye obferves him ; and to avoid this, he fhuns all the little obfervances of com- mon gallantry.
His heart and his character will be im- proved in every refpedfc by his attach- ment. His manners will become more gentle, and his conversation more agree- able; but diffidence and em barr ailment will always make him appear to di fad- vantage in the company of his miftrefs. If the facination continue long, it will totally deprefs his fpirit, and extinguifh every active, vigorous and manly princi- ple of his mind. You will find this fub je£t beautifully and pathetically painted in Thomfon's Spring.
When you obferve in a gentleman's behavior thefe marks which I have de- fcribed above, refleft terioufly what you are to do. If his attachment is agreea- ble . .-.'. .. leave you to do as nature,
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 175
good fenfe. and delicacy mall dire6l you. If you love him let me advife you never to difcover to him the full extent of your love, no not although you marry him. That fuOiciently (hows your preference, which is all he is entitled to know. If he has delicacy, he will afk for no ftrong- er proof of your affection for your fake; if he has fenfe, he will not afk it for his own. This is an unpleafant truth, but it is my duty to let you know it ; violent love cannot fubfift,at leafl cannot be ex- preflfed, for any time together, on both (ides; otherwife the certain confequence, however concealed, is fatiety and difguft. Nature in this cafe has laid the referve on you.
If you fee evident proofs of a gentle- man's attachment and are determined to fhut your heart againft him, as you ever hope to be ufed with generolity by the perfon who (hall engage your own heart, treat him honorably and humanely. Do not let him linger in a miferable fufpenfe, but be anxious to Jet him know your fen- timents with regard to him.
However people's hearts may deceive them, there is fcarcely a perfon that can
i;«6 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
'love for any time without at lead fome diftant hope of fuccefs. If you really wiih to undeceive a lover, you may do it in a variety of ways. There is a cer- tain fpecies of eafy familiarity in your behavior, which may fatisfy him, if he has any difcernment left, that he has nothing to hope for. But perhaps your particular temper may not admit of this. « — You may eafily fhew that you want to avoid his company ; but if he is a man whofe friendship you wifli'to preferve, you may not choofe this method, becaufe then you lofe him in every capacity. — • You may get a common friend to ex- plain matters to him, or fall on many other devices, if you are ferioufly anx- ious to put him out of fufpenfe.
But if you are refolved againft every fuch method, at leait do not fhun oppor- tunities of letting him explain hirnfelf. If you do this, you aft barbaroufly and unjuflly. If he brings you to an explan- ation, give him a polite but refolute and decifive anfwer. In whatever way you convey your fentiments to him, if he is a man of (pint and delicacy, he will give you no further trouble, nor apply to
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 177
your friends for their interceffion. This laft is a method of courtfhip which every man of fpirit will difdain. — He will nev- er whine nor fue for your pity. That would mortify him almofb as much as you fcorn. In fbort, you may poffibly break fuch a heart, but you cannot bend it. — Great pride always accompanies del- icacy, however concealed under the ap- pearance of the utmofl gentlenefs and rnodefly, and is the padion of all others the mod difficult to conquer.
There is a cafe where a woman may coquette juflifiably to the utmofl verge which her confcience will allow. It is where a gentleman purpofely declines to make his addrefies, till fuch time as he thinks himfelf perfectly fure of her con- fent. This at bottom is intended to force a woman to give up the undoubted privilege of her fex, the privilege of her refuting; it is intended to force her to explain herfelf, in effecl:, be- fore the gentleman deigns to do it, and by this mean to oblige her to violaie the modefty and delicacy of h-er fex, and to invert the cleared order of nature. All this facrifice is propofed to be made mere*
I-ItfEN'DSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
ly to gratify a moft defpicable vanity in a man who would degrade the very wo- man whom lie wifhes to make his wife.
It is of great importance to diilinguifh, whether a gentleman who has the appear- ance of being your lover delays to {peak explicitly, from the motive I have men- tioned, or from a diffidence infeparable from ti'ue attachment. In the one cafe, -you can icarcely ule him too ill : In the other, you ought to ufe him with great kindneis : And the greateft kindnefs you can fhew him, if vou are determined not to liften to his addrelles, is to let him know it as foon as poflible.
I know the many excufes with which women endeavor to juftify themfelves to the world, and to their own confciences, when they aft otherwife. Sometimes they plead ignorance, or at leaf! uncer- tainty, of the gentleman's real fentiments. That may fometimes be the cafe. Some- times they plead the decorums of their fex, which enjoin an equal behavior to all men, and forbid them to confider any man as a lover, till he has directly told them fo. — Perhaps few women carry their ideas of female delicacy and decorum fo
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 179
far as I do. But I mufl fay you are not entitled to plead the obligation of thefe virtues, in opp'ofition to the fupcrior ones of gratitude, jufticc and humanity. The man is entitled to all thefe, who prefers you to the reft of your fcx. and perhaps vrhofe greateft weaknefs is this very pref- erence. The truth of the matter is, van- ity, and the love of admiration, are fo prevailing paffions among you. that you may be con fide red to make a very great facrifice whenever you give up a lover, till every art of coquetry fails to keep him, or till he forctes you to an explan- ation. You can be fond of the love when you are indifferent to or even when you defpite the lover.
But the deepefl and mod artful co- quetry is employed by women of fuperi- or taite and ienfe, to engage and fix the heart of a man whom the world and whom they themfelvcs efteem, although they are firmly determined never to mar- ry him. But his converfation amufes them, and his attachment is the highefl gratification to their vanity ; nay, they can fometimes be gratified with the utter ruin of his fortune, fame and happinefs.
T£O FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
• — God forbid I fhould ever think fo of all your lex. 1 know many of them have principles, have generofity and dignity of foul that elevates them above the worthlefs vanity I have been fpeaking of.
Such a woman I am perfuaded, may always convert a lover, if fhe cannot give him her affections, into a warm and Heady friend, provided he is a man of fenfe, refolution and candor. If (he ex- plains herfelf to him with a generous o- pennefs and freedom, he mull feel the ftroke as a man ; but he will likewife bear it as a man : What he fuffers he will fuffer in filence. Every fentiment of efteem will remain ; but love, though it requires very little food, and is eafily furfeited with too much, yet it requires feme. He will view her in the light of a married woman : And though paffion fubfides, yet a man of a candid and gen- erous heart always retains a tendernefs for a woman he has once loved, and who has ufed him well, beyond what he feels for any other of her fex.
If he has not confided his own fccret to any bodv, he has an undoubted title
f RIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 181
to aflc you not to divulge it. If a wo- man choofes totrufl any of her compan- ions with her own unfortunate attach- ments, (fee, may, as it is her own affair a- lone : But if (he has any generofity or gratitude, ihe will not betray a fecret which does not belong to he;-.
Male coquetry is much more inexcuf- able than female, as well as more perni- cious ; but it is rare in this country. Ve- ry few men will giv?e tnemfeives the trouble to gain or retain any woman's affe&ions, unlefs they have views on her either of an honorable or difhonorable kind. Men employed in the purfuits of bunnefs, ambition or pleafure, will not give themfelves the trouble to engage a woman's affections merely from the van- ity of conqueft.and of triumphing over the heart of an innocent and defenceless girL Befides, people never value much what is entirely in their power. A man of parts, fenciment and addrefs, if he Jays a.fide all regard to truth and humanity, may .engage the hearts of fifty women -at the fame time, and may likewife conduct his coquetry with fo much art, as to put it out of the power of any of them 19
Q
182 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
fpecify a fingle expreflion that could be laid to be direclly expreflive of love.
This ambiguity of behavior, this art of keeping one in fufpenfe, is the great fc-cret of coquetry in both fexes. It is the more cruel in us, becaufe we can car- ry it whrtt length we pleafe, and continue it as long as we pleafe without your be- ing lo much. as at liberty to complain or expoftulate ; whereas we can bieak our chain, and force you to explain, when- ever we become impatient of our fitua- tion.
I have infilled the more particularly on this fubj eel: of courtftnp, becaufe it may mod readily happen to you at that earlv period of life when you can have little experience or knowledge of the world, when your paflions are warm. a*nd your judgments not arrived at fuch full maturity as to be able to corrcft them. • — I wim you to poffefs fuch high prin- ciples of honor and generofrty as will »ende •- you incapable of deceiving, and r the fame time to polfcfs that acute dif- ctrniuent which may fecure you againft being deceived.
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 183
A woman, in this country, may eafily prevent the firft impreffions of love, and every motive of piudence and delicacy fhould make her guard her heart againft them, till fuch time as ihe has received the mod convincing proof of the attach- ment of a man of fuch merit, as will jaf- tify a reciprocal regard. Your hearts in- deed may be (hut inflexibly and perma- nently againft all the merit a man can poffefs. That may be your misfortune, but cannot be your fault. In fuch a fit- uation, you would be equally urijuft to yourfelf and. your lover. if you give him your hand when your heart revolted a- gainft him. But miferable will be your fate, if you allow an attachment to (leal on you before you are fure of a return ; or, what is infinitely worfe, where there are wanting thofe qualities which alone can enfure happinefs in a married (late.
I know nothing that renders a woman more defpicable, than her thinking ic ef- fential to happinefs to be married. Be- fides the grofs indelicacy of the fenti- ment, it is a falfe one, as thoufands of women have experienced. But if it was
184 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE
true, the belief that it is fo, and thecon- fcquent impatience to b<: married, is the
iual way to TO- event it.
»-n this, that I
fh rry. On the con-
tra ;y, I am of opinion, uiat you may at- tain a iuperior degree of happinefs in a married (late, to what you can poffibly find in any other. 1 know the forlorn and unprotected fituation of an old maid, the chagrin and peevilhnefs which are apt to infecT: their tempers, and the great difficulty or making a tranfitiori with dig- nity and cheerfulnefs, from the period of youth, beauty, admiration and refpecl:, into the calm, ulent, unnoticed retreat of declining years.
1 fee ibme unmarried women of aclive. vigorous minds, and great vivacity of fpirits, degrading themielves ; fometimes by entering into a diflipated courfe of life, unfuitableof their years, and expof- ing themfelves to the ridicule of girls, who might have been their grandchil- dren ; fometimes by opprefling their ac- quaintances by impertinent intrufions in- to their private affairs ; and fometimes by being the propagators of fcandal and
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 185
defamation. All this is owing to an ex- uberant activity of fpirit, which if it had found employment at home, would have rendered them refpectable and ufeful members of fociety.
I fee other women in the fame fitua- lion, gentle, modeft, bleflfed with fenfe. iafte, delicacy, and every milder femin- ine virtue of the heart, but of weakfpir- its, bafhful and timid : 1 fee fuch women linking into obfcurity and iniignificance, and gradually lofing every elegant ac- complilliment; for this evident reafon, that they are not united to a partner who has fenfe, and worth, and taite to know their value; one who is able to draw forth their concealed qualities, and (hew them to advantage ; who can give that fupport to their feeble fpirits which they (land fo much in need of; and who, by his affection and tendernefs, might make fuch a woman happy in exerting every tal- ent, and accomplishing herfelf in c\ ery elegant art that could contribute to his amufement.
In ihort, I am of opinion, that a mar- ri^d fiate, if entered into from proper motives of efleem and affection, will.bc* o 2
i86 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
the happieil for yourfelves, and make you mod refpetlable in the eyes of the world, and the mod ufeful members of fociety. But I confefs I am not enough of a patriot to wifli you to marry for the good of the public. I wifh you to mar- ry for no other reafon but to make your- lelves happier. When I am fo particu- lar in my advices about your conduct, I own my heart beats with the fond hope of making you worthy the attachment of men who will deferve you, ;wid be fenfi- ble of your merit. But heaven forbid you fhould ever relinquifh the eafe and independence of a fingle life, to become the flaves of a fool, or a tyrant's caprice. As thefe have been always my fenti- mcnts, I {hall do you but juflice, when I leave you in fuch independent circam- llances as may lay you under no tempt- ation to do from neceffity what you would never do from choice. — This will liketvife fave you from that cruel morti- fication to a woman of fpirit, the fufpi - cion that a gentleman thinks he does you an honor or a favor when he afks you for his wife.
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 187
If I live till you arrive at that age v hen you (hall be capable to judge for yo nfelves,and do not itrangely alter my ientirnents, 1 (hall act towards you in a very different manner from what moft parents do. My opinion has always teen that when that period arrives, the parental authority ceafes.
i hope I (hall always treat you with that affedlion and eafy confidence which may difpofe you to look on me as your f lend. In that capacity alone I (hall think myfelf entitled to give you my o- pinion ; in the doing of which, I mould think myfelf highly criminal, if I did not to the utrnoft of my power, endeavor to diveft myfelf of all perfonal vanity, and all prejudices in favor of mvpaoriic- «f1ar taite. If you did not choofe to fol- low my advice, I mould not on that ac- count ceafe to love you as my children. — Though my right to your obedience was expired, yet I mould think nothing could releafe me from the ties of nature and humanity.
You may perhaDS imagine, that the re- ferved behavior which 1 recommend to you, and your appearing feldom atpub- 2 3
i88 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
lie places, mufl cut off all opportunities of your being acquainted with gentle- men ; I am very far from intending this. I advife you to no referve, but what will render you more refpe&ed and beloved by our lex. I do not think public pla- ces fuitcd to make people acquainted to- gether. They can only be diftinguiihed there by their looks and external behav- ior. BULK is in private companies alone where you can expect eafy and agreeable converfation, which I mould never wilb. you to decline. If you do no: allow gentlemen to become acquainted wish y\ u, you can never e:;pe£t to marry with attachment on either fide. — Love is very ieldom produced at firfl fight ; at Jeaft it: muft have, in that cafe, a very uniuftm- able foundation. True love is founded on e de-em, in a eorrefpondence of tade and femiments, and Heals on the hear: imperceptibly.
There is one advice I ihall leave you. to which I beg your particular attention : 'Before your affections come to be in the had engaged to any man, examine your temper?, your talies, and your hearts, very fcvcrely, and fettle in your ovvi.
ffUENBSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE
minds, what a:c the requisites to yo*jr happinefs in a married flate ; and as it is almofi smpollible that you fliould get ev- - ery thing you wilh, come to a Ready dc- termina ion what you are to conlider as eilentiai, and what may be facrificed. IF you have hearts difpofed by mi u!-. l:ove and friendship, and polfefs thole i viable you to enter into all the refinements and delicacies of thc-fe .'nnents, confider v/ell. for heaven's and as you value your future hap- fs, before you give them any indu]- e. If you have the misfortune (lor :}• great misfortune it commonly is •.ur fex) to have fuch a temper and i'uch fentiments deeply rooted in you. if you have fpirit and refoluiion to re lid the felicitations of vanity, the perfecution j 'of fri-nds (for you will have loll the on- ly friend that would never perfecure you > and can fupport the profpeQ of the ma- ny inconveniences attending the flate or an old n- Ich I formerly pointed
out:, then you Ehriy indulge you rf elves i a ] i hat kind of unti mental reading and , coaverfation which is moft correfpond-
190 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
But if you find, on a ftrift felf exam- ination, that marriage is abfolutely eilen- tial to your happinets. keep the lecret in- violable in your own bofoms, for the rea- ion I formerly mentioned ; but fiiun as you would do the rnofi Fatal poiion, all that fpecies of reading and converfation which warms the imagination, which en- gages and foftens the heart, and raifes the fade above the level of common life. If you do otherwife, con Oder the terrible conflict of paffions this may afterwards raife in your breads.
If this refinement on in your minds, and you do not dictates, but marry from vulgar and mer- cenary views, you may never be able to eradicate it entirely, and then it will im- bitter all your married days. Inftead of meeting with fenfe, delicacy, tend? .rnefs, a lover, a f r i e n d , a n equal c o TI p a n i n a . i 1 1 a hufbarjd, you may be tin ;nfi~
pidity and dulnefs ; (hcckr.-d wiih indel- icacy, or mortified by indifference. Yoi i will find none to compaffionate, or cvc; i underftand your fufferings ; for yoy. r huPoands may not ufe you cruelly, an d may give you as much money for your
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 191
clothes, perfenal expenfe, and dornsftic ueceiTaries as is fuitdble to their fortunes. The world i^erefore would look on you as unreafonable wouicn, and that did not deferve ?o be happy, if you were not fo. — To avoid thefc complicated evils, if you are determined at all events to mar- ry, I would advife you to make all your r ading and amufements of fuch a kind, as do not afFecl the heart nor the imag- •:~>n, except in the way of wit or hu-
> view by thefe advices to lead you [ only want to perfuade you
of UK- ucceflity of knowing your own ini.'ids, which, though feemingly very ea- iy, is what your lex feldom attain ori many important occaficns in life, but particularly on this of which lam fpcak- jng. There is not a quality I more anx- iouily wifh you to polfefs, than thatcoU- k6ted decifive fpirit which refts on itfelf, which enables you to fee where your true happinef's lies, and to purfue it with the moil determined refolution. In matters of bufmefs, follow the advice of thofe who know them better than yourfelves, and in whofe integrity you can confide ;
t92 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE"
but in matters of tafte, that depend on your own feelings, confult no one friend whatever, but confuk your own hearts.
If a gentleman makes his addrefTes to you, or gives you reafon to believe he will do fo, before you allow your affec- tions to be engaged, endeavor in themoft prudent and fecret manner, to procure from your friends every neceflary piece of information concerning him ; fuch as his character for fenie, his morals, his temper, fortune and family ; whether it is diftinguifhed for parts and worth, or for folly, knavery, and loathfome hered- itary difeafes. When your friends in- form you of thefe, they have fulfilled their duty. If they go further, they have not that deference for you which a be- coming dignity on your part would ef- feQtually command.
Whatever your views are in marrying, take every poflible precaution to prevent their being difappointed. If fortune, and the pleafures it brings, are your aim, it is nut fuiBcient that the fettleiT^ents of a jointure and childrens provifions be ample, and properly fecured ; it is ne- r diary that you fhould enjoy the fortune
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 193
during your own life. The principal iecuriry you can have for this will de- pend on your marrying a goodnatured generous man, who defpifes money, and who will let you live where you can belt enjoy that pleafure, that pomp and pa- rade of life for which you married him.
From what I have faid you will eafily fee that I could never pretend to advife whom you mould marry ; but I can with great confidence advife whom you fhould not marry.
Avoid a companion that may entail any hereditary difeafe on your polterity, particularly (that moft dreadful of all human calamities) madnefs. It is the height of imprudence to run into fuch a danger, and in my opinion, highly crim- inal.
Do not marry a fool ; he is the moft intraclable of all animals ; he is led by his paffions and caprices, and is incapable of hearing the voice of reafon. It may probably too hurt your vanity to have hu (bands for whom you have reafon to blufh and tremble every time they open their lips in company. But the word circumflance that abends a fool, is his
i94 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE,
conftantjealoufyof his wife being thought to govern him. This renders it impoffi- ble to lead him, and he is continually doing abfurd and difagreeable things, for no other reafon but to fhew he dares do them.
A rake is always afufpicious hufband, becaufe he has only known the moft worthlefs of your fex. He likewife en- tails the worft difeafes on his wife and children, if he has the misfortune to have any.
If you have a fenfe of religion your- f elves, do not think of hu (bands who have none. If they have tolerable un- derflandings, they will be glad that you have religion, fur their own fakes, and for the fake of their families ; but it will fink you in their eileem. If they are weak men, they will be continually teaf- ing and {hacking you about your princi- ples.— If you have children, you will fuffer the moft bitter diftrefs, in feeing all your endeavors to form their minds to virtue and piety, all your endeavors to fecure their prefent and eternal hap- pinefsfruftrated,and turned into ridiculeo
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 195
As I look on your choice of ahufband to be of the greateft confequence to your happinefs, I hope you will make it with the utmoft circurnfpe&ifin. Do not give way to a fudden fally of paflion, and dig- nify it with the name of love. — Genuine love is not founded in caprice ; it is founded in nature, on honorable views, on virtue, on fimilarity of taftes and iym- pathy of fouls.
If you have thefe fentiments, you will never marry any one, when you are not in that fituation, in point of fortune, which is neceffarv to the happinefs of ei- ther of you. What that competency may be, can only be determined by your own taftes. It would be ungenerous in you to take advantage of a lover's attach- ment, to plunge him into diflrefs ; and if he has any honor, no perfonal gratifi- cation will ever tempt him to enter into any connexion which will render you unhappy. If you have as much between you as to fatisfy all your reafonable de- mands, it is lurficiem.
I fhall conclude with endeavoring to remove a difficulty which mutt naturally occur to any woman of reflection on the
196 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
fubjeft of marriage. What is to become of all thefe refinements of delicacy, that dignity of manners, which checked all familiarities, and fufpended defire inref- pe6lful and awful admiration ? In an- fvrer to this, I mall only obferve, that if . motives of intereft or vanity have had any fhare in your refolutions to marry, none of thefe chimerical notions will give you any pain ; nay they will very quick- ly appear as ridiculous in your own eyes, as they probably always did in the eyes of your hufbands. They have been fen- timents which have floated in your im- aginations, but have never reached your hearts. But if thefe fentiments have been truly genuine, and if you have had the fingular happy fate to attach thole who underftand them, you have no reafon to be afraiJ.
Marriage indeed, will at once difpel the enchantment raifed by external beau- ty ; but the virtues and graces that fir ft warmed the heart, that refcrve and deli- cacy which always left the lover fome- thing further,to wifh, and often made him doubtful of your fenfibility or attach- ment, may and ought ever to remain*
FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. 197
The tumult of paffion will neceffarily fubfide ; but it will be fucceeded by an endearment, that affe6ls the heart in a more equal, more fenfible and tender manner. — But I muft check myfelf, and not indulge in defcriptions that may mif- lead you, and that too fenfibly awake the remembrance of my happier days, which, perhaps, it were better for me to forget forever.
I have thus given you my opinion on fome of thetnod important articles of your future life, chiefly calculated for that period when you are juft entering the world. I have endeavored to avoid fome peculiarities of opinion, which, From their contradiction to the general practice of the world, I might reafonably have fufpected were not fo well found- ed. But in writing to you, I am afraid rny heart has been too full, and too warmly intereited, to allow me to keep this refolution. This may have produc- ed fome embarrafTment, and fome feem- ing contradictions. What I have written has been the amufement of fome folitary hours, and has ferved to divert fome me- lancholy reflections. — I am confcious I
*98 FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
undertook a tafk to which I was very un- equal ; but I have difcharged a part of rny duty, — You will at lead be pleafed with it, as the laft mark of your father's love and attention.