The Comedy Bulletin - August 1988

THE COMEDY BULLETIN . SINGLE ISSUE FIVE POUNDS . SIX MONTHS
SUBSCRIPTION TWENTYFIVE POUNDS. ANNUAL SUBSCRIPTION FIFTY
POUNDS, CHEQUES PAYABLE TO DERMOT CROSSLEY, 62 WALNUT CLOSE,
KINGSWOOD, DUBLIN 24. IRELAND. AUGUST 1988.

It's back to school for the kids. I hope their new teachers
aren't as tough as ray English teacher-I remember he used to
carry his chalk in a shoulder holster... But he did teach the
rougher pupils a thing or two. They learned how to punctuate
ransom notes. . ,

FUNNY LYRIC FOR A BLUES SONG. DEEP SEA BLUES.

The captain has a telescope but he's gone blind
My girl is in the crow's nest but I don't mind
I don't know where I'm going I'm in good comp-any
It's bad with the blues in the deep blue sea

Well I'm sea sick and shaken and that wind's so cold

I've been out here feeling lonely and I swear I'm growing old

The cook is in the galley but he's got no food

With these deep sea blues I'm in a bad bad mood

Yeah with these deep sea blues I'm in a bad bad mood.

Pat the Gob was a fair to middlin' liar and he told me, 1 I
was driving the cattle for a farmer in the valley of the scented
flowers beside the Knocknagash Mountains. I came upon this huge
cave cut into the side of the mountains and to this day it's
still there by all accounts. Well every night before I'd go
to bed I'd go to the mouth of the cave and shout " Wake up Pat
the Gob " and I declare to God wouldn't the echo wake me up
at six o'clock in the morning in time for the milking.

My neighbour really takes care of his car-how many people do
you know that rotate their seat covers? ... I no longer give
my car special treatment. What's the point? My car does forty
miles to the gallon-and that's just the oil...

I don't mind a little rain-but my ankles have a ' high water
mark ' on them... According to Michael Fish there's 1 relief
in sight ' -which means a mild front approaching or a wet T~
shirt contest across the street...

When I was at school my class mates were of a special calibre.
For example, our class motto was ' Destined to serve-especially
at McDonalds ' , . . One of my class mates was late arriving for
the last reunion, Fred ' The Fangs ' Bates was delayed in the
graveyard . . .

Jimmy Tarbuck is in the water so much he's had an out board
motor fitted to his golf cart... Before he putts, they don't
take out the flag out of the hole-they just lower it to half
mast. . .

I've become very keen on exercise ever since my tailor started
to make seperate suits for my stomach... I swam twenty laps
this morning-it took me that long to find the water bed repair
kit... I've just bought the Winston Churchill exercise video-
you light a cigar and watch SamcTntha Fox work out...

Tonight's show is being sponsered by Cross Your Heart Bras' s-
the only bra that tells the truth and lies at the same time...
I have to go now to drown my sorrows. Last night I discovered
the first signs of age in my mistress. I found her first grey
hair-and it's on her upper lip...

Our Personnel Department hasn't had much luck lately. The last
person they employed said, 1 I do windows. 1 And he did. He was
a Peeping Tom.

The problem with bending over to smell roses-it makes you
vulnerable to some son of a bee.

I f m having a lot of problems at home. My wife understands me and
my computer doesn't.

I'm getting a little suspicious of Margaret Thatcher. Even the
wool she pulls over your eyes is 60% Polyester.

I go to a very optimistic doctor. He's the type who never admits
defeat. To my doctor, death is only a symptom.

Personally, I have no time for ego. I'm pretty sensational
without it.

I think we should all be grateful to doctors. If it wasn't for
doctors, a lot of sick people would only have their ailments to
complain about.

If you have an M.B.A. from Cambridge, opportunity doesn't knock
it-it calls for an appointment.

Desperation is when you blame all of your mistakes on computer
error-and you don't have one.

I dream in colour-mostly blonde.

I have to go-it's my turn to cook the dinner tonight-what wine
goes with fish and chips?

I'm not very good at golf. I spend so much time in the sand traps
the Foreign Legion made me an honary member.

I'm very unlucky. I once pulled a wish bone and dislocated a
finger .

( ) was telling me that he had a romantic evening with his
new girl friend-until the bearskin rug in front of the fire
turned out to be her brother.

On a hot day like this only mad dogs and ice cream men go out in
the noonday sun.

Going to the beach has its ' ups & downs. ' And if they're in
a string bikini I don't mind.

I swim at a very exclusive beach, the tide won't come in without
knocking .

I don't go to nude beaches, its embarassing having to put sun tan
lotion on your tongue.

( ) always approaches politics the way he approaches women,
with an open mind and raincoat.

I'm getting more distance out of my golfballs this year. All I
did was to have ( Maggie Thatcher ) ( Neil Kinnock ) printed on
them .

I met Jimmy Tarbuck at the weekend and he couldn't look me in
the face. When he plays golf he keeps his head down.

My problem is concentration. The only time I can keep my mind
on two things at the same time-is during a video of Samantha
Fox .

My wife talks to the parrot for three hours every day. I once
asked the parrot, ' How do you stand it? ' It said, 1 Who
listens? 1

When it comes to explaining mysteries, the good news is that
Paul Daniels has laid all his cards on the table. The bad news
is, they re face down.

When we got back from our honeymoon my wife said she could not
feel romantic^until she got over her ' jet lag. ' Who ever heard
of jet lag ' lasting ten years? ... You know your marriage
is on the rocks when you bring your wife on a romantic weekend
and she fills her suitcase with the latest Mills & Boon... I
came home early today and found my wife and the milkman reading
my insurance policies...

Do I hate to see the summer come to an end? Could Mike Tyson
win a fight against Boy George? ... So before I had to think
about the winter I went on holidays to India. The hotel had
a strange smell. The porters stood around taking bets on which
room s toilet would overflow...

My parents didn't like me. They used to encourage me to eat
a large meal before I went in for a swim... And my mother
married so many times I never got to know my fathers. She's
going to have an extension tombstone to fit all their names...

I had an exciting weekend. I was the judge at the Wimbledon

nude folk dance finals... I went to see a new film about a

crime fighter and his assistant. It's called ' Batman and DraculE

... And I went to the beach to see the bikinis that stretch
your imagination...

I went to see a doctor in Harley Street. I told him that having
sex causes my ears to ring... He said it shouldn't affect my
performance unless I get up to answer it... You should have
seen the bill he sent me. It's no wonder he can afford mahogany
tongue depressors...

I have a problem with my golf swing. I stand too close to the
ball after I hit it... I told my wife ' I'd drop dead ' if she
hit the ball in one stroke. She said I was to stop trying to
bribe her ...

I'm not very fit. I went for a two mile jog and the only way
I could get my second wind was to eat a plate of baked beans...
1 hate exercise but I do some callisthentics . That means I do
leg lifts ' when my wife hovers around my chair...

Holidays will soon be over and the kids will be back at school.
When I remember my own school days ' words fail me ' -and so
did half my teachers... The only thing I » passed ' at school
was a kidney stone...

My wife and I are as compatible as the next couple-as long as
the next couple are Margaret Thatcher and Neil Kinnock . . . When
the priest asked my wife if she'd Love, Honour and Obey-she
asked for a fourth Choice...

There's a new blow up doll of Margaret Thatcher. Take it to
bed and you've never had it so good.

Things go better with coke. Don't take my word, ask Cliff
Thorburn .

* i n, r iino there's a broomstick

I said to my wife the other day D ^^; ^ has mother
in the driveway-are you sweeping up the leave*

come to stay?

A porn film is an undeveloped plot with an overdeveloped girl.

«>• hPrause she wanted sex knightly. She wanted
L^rstrVo^ s:"h! e Si; Fran, Jones, and Sir John Bates.

I sa. a Flying Saucer last night-but when I turned ., back she
got me with the cup.

In Manchester today four sewage "^"^"^^"hiex' 1 " 1
a cesspit of their own making.

My uncle made a killing on the stock exchange. He shot his
broker the day after Black Monday.

My brother is a bounc er- that ' s what his bank manager told me.

I've just had a sex change. Last night my wife said, ' As it's
your Dirthday let's have sex for a change.

I've got a Red Indian friend who's a real shrinking violet-we
call her Shy Anne.

I se e ( ) has just been elected honorary President of a new
club. Alcoholics Unanimous.

My uncle is a heavy metal fan-he's just got six months for
stealing the lead off a church roof.

pack-up the kids.

• ,1, T'm rarher hard up at the moment. I have as much
^a„ce a ot\a^ru holiday as Marcel Marceau has of havtng a

yodel .

( Team ) will get into the First Division about the same year
that Boy George will be asked to model men's underwear.

-Xtli iTthe ~

wasn't a dry bed in the house.

t . -irir,'r talk about Jimmy Tarbuck playing golf.

for his driver.

Solly wrote a love song for his girlfriend and it's called:
I Only Have Eyes For Jew.

I'm worried about my job. I saw the boss measuring my chair
with a pair of his son's trousers... I'm not going to worry
about the economy until Nigel Lawson has a 1 Going out of
business sale 1 ...

My wife isn't very romantic. The last thing inside my mouth
were my dentist's fingers... The last time she picked up a sex
manual it was to kill a spider...

My doctor is very expensive which is why he never looks up my
nose. He knows I'm already paying through it... My cold is so
bad that I went into a chemist and bought everything I couldn't
pronounce . . .

Boy George's parents knew there was something wrong when at
five years of age he started to ride his hobby horse side
saddle... Danny la Rue wouldn't visit Buckingham Palace because
he felt he was the bigger queen...

I learned something from this year's holiday. Never trust a
travel agency called Titanic Holidays... The only thing my hotel
stocked was out of order signs... The food tasted like recycled
porridge . . .

I had an exciting weekend. My teenage brother was having a '
going away party ' for his spots... I ran a marathon and finished
in two hours and seventeen oxygen tanks...

I paid a hundred pounds for my new hat-it'S A DEER STALKER.

My sister is a lady boxer-her name is PUNCHING JUDY.

Genghis Khan became impotent and was known as Genghis Khan't.

I suffer from heir sickness-my son makes me want to throw up.

At the House of Commons sports day Neil Kinnock won the
handicap race-his handicap was the Looney Left... Robert McCellanp
won the hide and seek competition because nobody knows what
he looks like... And Ron Brown won the mace throwing compet-
ition. . .

Somewhere under the Rainbow-is a French agent with a limpet
mine. ( sing the first part )

Last week I paid £25 for a poached egg, and all because

of my Sony Walkman. If I hadn't taken that I'd have heard the

gamekeeper sneaking up on me.

When I came home from work this evening I found someone had
broken into my flat and stolen my coffee set. I rang the
police and said, ' Help I've just been mugged. '

My uncle was killed with a magnum. He was hit over the head
with a champagne bottle.

My next door neighbour gave his wife a necklace for her
birthday. Unfortunately for her it was a South African necklace
and his case comes up next week.

I had a nasty experience of the property boom recently. I left
the gas on when I went out and my house blew up.

My wife's family are on the run from the police. Does this
mean my in-laws are outlaws as well?

Life is so unfair. Take shaving. How is it that men never get
bald on the face?

We hide all our valuables in the bathroom. With three teenagers
in the family, there's no way a burglar is going to get in ther

I hear that Jimmy Tarbuck won the longest drive contest in a
charity golf match last week. He travelled over five hundred
miles to get there.

Isn't food getting expensive? Statistics show that the most
expensive item in any supermarket trolley is a child.

It costs so much to raise a child these days, sometimes I get
the feeling that kids are pricing themselves out of the market.

Astrology can be a useful tool in politics. Recently, Neil
Kinnock consulted his horoscope and it said: BE ON GUARD-YOU
MAY BE CONFRONTED WITH A DISASTER TODAY. And just then, he
turned to the front page and Denzil Davies had resigned.

Bob Monkhouse is a man who has always known when opportunity
knocked. Unfortunately, his mother taught him never to open
the door to strangers.

Jimmy Tarbuck plays P.G.A.-B. golf. Before every swing, he
bows his head, closes his eyes and prays: 1 Please, God-A
Birdie . 1 - *

I met a very courteous police officer on my way here tonight.
I went through a red light and a policeman on a motor bike
pulled me over, walked back to my car, tipped his helmet and
said, 1 Good evening sir. My n&we is Fred and I will be your
arresting officer tonight, '

I visited Turkey this , year on my holiday s and I ©aw the last
remaining harem i p the world. Through a hole in the wall I
spotted two people having a strange conversation, 1 Is that
all you can think , about? 1 paid th^ first man* What makes it
so strange, they yqre eufiuc^p. t ] i ,

I f ve had a complex ever since our wedding night when my wife
turned away from ipe in the bed, asked me to close my eyes as
she wanted to slip into something more comf or table-and it was
another man .

Did you know that too much drink can ruin you sex life? My
doctor says that alcohol abuse is causing impotence to rise.

I had a terrific weekend* I was watching England's greatest
comedy team- ( third division football team ) ;

Did you know that the crime of assault and battery is commited
every five minutes? And that's just in the police cells.

I was in a restaurant that provided two white napkins. One was
for wiping your face and the spare for waving surrender at the
chef .

I know some of you think you have troubles, But two months ago
my wife left me for good-and my mother-in-law didn't.

Bob Monkhouse was asked how he was still going strong at the

age of sixty. He said it was all down to three rules: Never

run when you can walk. Never walk when you can drive. And never
drive when you can drink.