The Comedy Bulletin - September 1988

THE COMEDY BULLETIN. SINGLE ISSUE FIVE POUNDS. SIX MONTHS
SUBSCRIPTION TWENTYFIVE POUNDS. ANNUAL SUBSCRIPTION FIFTY
POUNDS. CHEQUES PAYABLE TO DERMOT CROSSLEY, 62 WALNUT CLOSE,
KINGSWOOD, DUBLIN 24. SEPTEMBER 1988.

And now here is some advice for all the married women in the
audience: If your husband spends most of his time sleeping in

bed, dozing on the couch, or snoozing in the hammock-br ing it

to his attention but do it in a sub-tie way. Make a flower
arrangement in his belly button.

When I was a child, we had sex education but it was on a much

more refined level. We were just told to stay away from any

part of the body that didn’t get a tan.

Children should learn about sex at an early age. It is better
that they learn about the birds and the bees-than about the
pickles and the ice cream.

I've learned one great truth about holidays: You can pack too

many shoes. You can pack too much reading matter. You can pack
too much underwear. But you can never pack too much money.

I spent a quiet holiday in the mountains enjoying the beauties
of nature-and it was really great. Sometimes I'd look up from
PLAYBOY and enjoy the mountains too.

I no longer run for taxis in London. Nowadays you can beat most
of them by walking.

Don't criticise English workmanship. We manufacture the best
MADE IN JAPAN labels in the world.

I'm an only child. Mom and Dad had intended to have a large
family-but they discourage easily... Parents will tell you
that the only thing kids grow out of are clothes... I know
kids make a lot of mistakes. Then again, mistakes make a lot
of kids . . .

Happiness is seening your sister, brother-in-law, their three
kids, two dogs and cat approaching your front door-and how
you're seening this is in the rear-view mirror of your car.

Some women have skeletons in their cupboards-Margaret Thatcher
has Cecil Parkinson in her cabinet... And Cecil Parkinson has
already used his Keays..,

And now for some well known songs performed by well known people
Devil Woman by Margaret Thatcher... Nowhere Man by David Owen...
The Backstabbers by Neil Kinnock... Hands ( the old Max Bygraves
song ) by Cecil Parkinson... Ain't Misbehavin' by Ge/ffrey
Archer... Caught In The Act by Harvey Proctor... Money Makes
The World Go Round by Nigel Lawson... Tired of Waiting For You
by Terry Waite... Who Put The Lights Out? by Terry Spinks...

My wife has been converted to Glasnot — she's started opening
my pay packets... Not that it matters as she's divorcing me
next week because I'm a pigeon fancier. She found me in bed
with Miss Pigeon...

The government is going to privatise the prisons. Shareholders
will get a free cell for life plus ten per cent remission of
their first sentence.

Blackpool is cheap, instead of fireworks they just have the
tourists close their eyes and spin round real fast.

For those of you watching the Olympics who have decided to jog
five miles a day here is some advice: See a cardiologist to
have your heart examined, an orthopedist to have your bones
examined, and a psychiatrist to have your head examined.

The Nine O'Clock News had a special report on tramps in Hyde
Park and a special report on the House of Lords. All those
strange people sitting around on park benches, staring into
space, talking gibberish, and always asking for money. Sometimes
I wonder why we keep electing them.

September is when you learn a great truth-that a pedestrian
is a device to keep water splashed up by passing cars, from
wetting the pavement.

If you live in suburbia, it really pays to listen to what's
going on around you. Yesterday an eight year old got into an
argument with his friends and called them ' sons of bitches.

' His mother came running out and said, * You shouldn't use
language like that. ' The child said, ' Neil Kinnock uses
language like that. ' And his mother said, ' Then don't play
with him. '

Doctors have their problems too. Last week a doctor got a phone
call and a little voice on the other end said, ' Doctor, I need
help. I've got two big problems. ' The doctor said, ' What's
the first problem? ' The voice said, ' I've got rheumatism.

' The doctor said, ' Rheumatism isn't such a big problem. Just
stay out of damp places. Now what's the second problem. The
voice said, 1 I'm a goldfish. '

No more home repairs for me. I've had it. Last week our automatic
garage door stopped working, so I got out my handy DIY home
repair book. So far, so good. Unfortunately, instead of GARAGES,
by mistake I read the chapter on BATHROOMS. Now I don't really
mind turning into my driveway and seening the garage door stay
down. What does embarrass me is the knowledge that every toilet
lid in the house is going up.

I'd like to be more popular. Today the sperm bank called and
said my sperm had bounced... And I have a feeling that in my
final hours, the family will gather round my death bed-just
to auction it off...

The kid next door has what it takes to be a soccer prodigy-a
loud mouthed father... Attendance is way down for ( team ) only
the most dedicated hooligans are turning up... Last night was
' BAT NIGHT ' at Wembley Stadium-all the fans had to watch the
game hanging upside down...

I went to see that new film ’ WHO FRAMED NODDY ' ... It's nice

to see cartoon characters in a cinema rather than in Mrs
Thatcher's cabinet... I read that a Hollywood producer is going
to make a horror film about rabbits. I'm not sure if he picked
the right animal. The last horror film I saw was a ' HARE RAISING
EXPERIENCE ' experience...

I stayed up all night to the watch the OLympics. I've never
had so many exciting climaxes in the one night... But we all
know why they hold the Olympics every four years. It's to find
out which country has the best terrorists...

I failed the first examination to become a doc tor- my writing
wasn't bad enough... I wanted to be a doctor so I could tell
a woman to take off all her clothes and then send her husband
a bill for it... I went to a doctor and he said I had the early
signs of Alzheimer's disease-eh, I think that's what he said...

I've been having problems with my garden. Take that lawn
fertiliser I tried, now all the grass is dead-not just a few
patches... The rabbits ate all my lettuce and then had the nerve
to leave ' business cards... ' I've given up talking to the
vegetables-even Prince Charles couldn't make them grow... And
there are so many birds pecking at them that the scarecrow had
to buy an appointment book...

I've noticed that age is creeping- up on me. Last night I looked
in the mirror and I had wrinkles on my bald patch... Age can
play funny tricks on you. I still find my wife sexy and
desirable-but I just can't remember her name... There's a new
song popular with old age pensioners and it's called: ' HEY

GIRL. GET INTO MY WHEELCHAIR... '

I suppose the Olympics in Seoul will start people off on an
exercise craze. I've just bought one of those passive exercise
tables-you just lie on it while the table gets the hernia...

I entered one of those charity runs-five miles or five bars
whichever came first... I joined a gym where the instructor
works out an exercise programme and shouts at you for not doing
more. It's like being married again...

Children today have so many choices at school. Our local
comprehensive has a two year course in Sex Education or its
equivalent-a three months subscription to Playboy magazine.

Boy George and other gender benders have confused a lot of
people. Nowadays if a friend says he has joined the Green Berets-
you don't know if he means the Army or the Girl Guides.

You can always spot caring, sensitive, and enviromentally
concerned Yuppies. They're the ones who are converting their
yachts from diesel fuel to a less polluting energy source-
galley slaves.

I had good news and bad news this week. The good news is, I've
started to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet around the house.
The bad news is, my wife is divorcing me and her solicitor is
a midget.

The Mormons were the last people to outlaw polygamy. Even they
had to finally agree that having more than one mother-in-law
was ridiculous.

Before I got into show business I use to work as a petrol pump
attendant. The boss was a self-made man, too bad he ran out of
parts when he got to the hair and teeth... You had to pretend
to like his sense of humour-even after the tenth time you'd
seen his rubber vomit... But give him his due, he was an equal
opportunity employer. Every woman was given an equal chance
to go to bed with him. . .

It's autumn, the leaves are falling and I can't remember when
I've seen so many stripped, bare and lifeless looking branches.
Particularly the ones belonging to the Barlow Investment Company.

There are some TV commercials you just have to believe. Like
the one that says that false teeth wearers who smoke cigars,
drink coffee and tea, eat raspberry tart and chew tobacco-can
still have super-white teeth. All they have to do is brush three
times a day-with Brillo.

When a son or daughter finishes school with A Levels, it marks
the end of ten years of worry, anxiety, struggle and working
long, hard hours-and that's just for the parents.

I always had trouble getting dates for school football matches.
The only girls who would go out with me were usually playing.

The teacher said my son is one of those Vincent Van Gogh kids. He
only listens with one ear.

My mother-in-law talks so much her mouth needs a remould.

Autumn is that quiet season after- your summer holidays when your
credit cards are gathering strength for Christmas.

A film has been released that is so pornographic you have to be
an adult before you are allowed to see it. And not only that, you
have to be accompanied by a pervert.

A committe is like membership of a book club. Once you join, they
never want to let you go... I once heard of a committee member
who died in the middle of a meeting-and for the next three votes
they just listed him as abstaining.

Jimmy Cricket hasn't recovered from what happened to him last
week. He found a card in his dressing room that said: FOR A REAL
GOOD TIME, CALL DORIS. So he called Doris-and she sold him a
watch .

When it comes to my mother-in-law, there is good news and bad
news. The good news is-she doesn't let any grass grow under her
feet. The bad news is-she's a gardener.

It must be wonderful to be Prince Charles and Lady Di. To have
thousands and thousands of people wine and dine you and entertain
you-and you don't have to think, ' Now we'll have to invite them.

If you really want to have the square, solid look of Frank Bruno,
it's easy. All you have to do is eat three boxes of corn flakes
every day. Not the corn flakes-just the boxes.

The latest economic forecast has just been published. 53% of the
economists surveyed predicted a rise in business activity for the
rest of the year. 42% of the economists predicted a decline in
business activity for the rest of the year. And the other 5%
couldn't afford to toss a coin.

Have you noticed how the prizes on game shows are getting bigger?
Last night a newly married couple won Manchester. And it's a
problem, because they live in London and they have to pay to have
it delivered.

Mrs Thatcher when asked to explain her policy of no economic
sanctions against South Africa replied that it was like a mother
who got a note from school saying that her son, Percy, was
misbehaving in school and would have to be punished. She wrote
back saying, ' Please do not hit Percy. Percy is a very
sensitive, high-strung child. Hit the boy next to him and this
will frighten Percy. '

I learned to drink in the array-which probably explains why I
salute just before I pass out... I hate those cocktails with
fruit and a little umbrella-you don't know whether to drink it or
check the weather forecast...

The kind of horse I bet on-I usually start sweating before he
does... They all need an alarm clock at the starting gate... If
horse racing is the ' sport of kings ' does that make drag racing
the ' sport of queens? '

And now for some special door signs: Noise Abatement Society-
please do not knock... Banana Importer s-out to bunch...

Alcoholics Anonymous— back at closing time... Gamblers Anonymous-
back after the 3.30... Heavyweight Champion Of The World-out.
to punch .. .

The Foreign Secretary recently met a Red Indian Chief who greeted
him, ’ Sir Ge^offrey*. How! '

Cecil Parkinson lost his job because of the Home Secretary.

He took his secretary home to bed.

Back to school is where you take the kids when you can no longer
take what you have been taking in not taking the kids to school.

Twenty years ago passengers on aeroplanes used to sing FLY ME
TO THE MOON. Now they're singing JUST FLY ME WHERE THE SCHEDULE
SAYS WE'RE GOING.

This is a very special day for me. I'm proud to say that my
favourite airline has just accepted me into its 100,000 Mile
Executive Club-and my luggage into its 150,000 Mile Executive
Club.

The good news is that many restaurants now take plastic. The
bad news is that many restaurants serve plastic.

A shop steward is someone who considers a two week holiday
just a management ploy to deprive him of 20 tea breaks.

As the secretary said to her replacement: ' When he dictates

a letter, the words are chiseled in stone. That's because he's
to mean to buy a typewriter. '

I went to one of those holiday resorts where the best selling
picture postcards are of people getting on a plane to leave.

As any experienced air traveller will tell you, hand luggage
is also called carry-on luggage because when a passenger is
told it can't come aboard, do they carry on!

I always get nostalgic when I'm in the first class section of
a plane with my wife. It reminds me how I was treated before
we got married.

It is better to cheat on your diet, than cheat on your wife.

Never in the history of mankind has a chocolate bar retained
a solicitor.

Kids today are much more sophisticated than years ago. Yesterday
I said to my youngest son, ' I think it's about time we talked
about the birds and the bees. 'He said, ' Okay dad, but before
we do I have two questions. ' I said, ' What are the two
questions? ’ He said, ' What do you know and when did you know
it? '

They say you can't have everything. Now if we could only convince
the people ahead of us in the buffet queue... I won't comment
on the food served at motorway truck stops, but now I know why
truckers are in such a hurry to get home...

Yesterday I overheard my mother-in-law talking about me. She
said I was as healthy as a horse. I took that to be a compliment
until she then said a horse sleeps standing up.

My agent has a nice way of throwing out compliments. This morning

he said if brains were contagious-not to worry. I'd have
immunity.

I see that in the latest political oppinion poll Neil Kinnock
and Margaret Thatcher are running last.

Why is Korea and Jesse Jackson getting so much media attention?
Because they both got Seoul... I suppose I shouldn't talk about
the East German women athletes-bu-t most of them get ties on
Father's Day... A last minute entry in the Great Britain Olympic
Team is Ron Brown...

I had a great holiday this year. I went around the world on
eighty credit cards... And I saved a bundle during my stay in
South America. I only hope I'm able to smoke all of it...

In the Garden of Eden there was Adam, the first man, Eve, the
first woman, and the snake, the first consultant.

Inflation is what makes you go from early retirement to late
mortage payments.

People are rushing to get back into the stock market again.

In the words of the immortal Admiral Thatcher, it's damn the
torpedoes -full greed ahead.

During his many years with the company ( ) consistently

followed that well known accounting principle called LIFO.

He was always Last In and First Out.

I want to thank ( ) for that wonderful introduction. I've

always looked on ( ) as I would a son-and you all know how

rotten kids are these days.

Old age is when you consider Terry Wogan the ' Late Show. '

Marriage is an invention that made civilization possible-and
happiness impossible... You have to be willing to give a marriage
100% -or more if the court says so... Marriage is based on trust-
I trust her-she trusts me-I just enjoy taking impressions of
all tire tracks in our driveway... My wife is always on the
lookout for a bargain. She once went to the Rape Crisis Centre
because she heard they were giving stamps...

I'll tell you how wet the month has been. One day it didn't
rain and Michael Fish pointed at the weather photograph and
said, ' See that clear patch there? That's the blue sky I've
been telling you about. '

The problem with my wife is she won't give me the time of day-
especially at night.

Every politician knows that pantomime is the art of communicating
without saying anything.

Our guest tonight is a comedian whose jokes have brought many
miraculous healings-but only to people who suffer from insomnia.

I'll never understand why Olympic athletes take drugs. These
are people making a lot of money and they only work two weeks
every four years. What more do they need to make them feel good?

My son wants to be an entrepreneur. That's someone who begins
with nothing, gets an idea, raises money, works 80 hours a week-
and gets rich. And he's made a good start. Already he's got
the nothing.