The Comedy Bulletin - July 1988

THE COMEDY BULLETIN. SINGLE ISSUE FIVE POUNDS. SIX MONTHS
SUBSCRIPTION TWENTYFIVE POUNDS. ANNUAL SUBSCRIPTION FIFTY
POUNDS. CHEQUES PAYABLE TO DERMOT CROSSLEY, 62 WALNUT CLOSE,
KINGSWOOD, DUBLIN 24. IRELAND. JULY 1988.

My mother-in-law cooked the dinner last night and the meat was
raw, the vegetables were burnt, and the gravy was like water.
Now she knows why we all prayed before we sat down to eat it.

Remember the good old days when crime in high places was somebody
getting mugged in the Eiffel Tower?

My appartment is so dear I f ve had to f sublet 1 my letter
box.

My dentist is in financial trouble. Last week he took out all
my gold fillings and put in I.O.U.s.

You can always tell Judas in a painting of the Last Supper.
He's the one asking for seperate bills.

The cost of living is going up and what about the next life?

Our local undertaker has just raised the price of a funeral.
Even going down is going up.

I went to the Costa del Sol on my holidays and I'm not saying
the food was terrific~I kept getting the Turns rush.

A gourmet is somebody who complains about the snacks at a wife-
swapping party .

It's ridiculous to spend all that money on nuclear defence
systems. Why can't we just get the enemy to stand closer
together?

We had a rule in our house: if it didn't move, clean it. If
it did move, step on it.

People are worried about about mid-air collisions and I don't
blame them. Yesterday two planes were so close together at
Heathrow, the flight controller had to throw cold water on them.

Our local football hooligan has had to give up going to football
matches. He's worn out his ' kicking ' boots.

Our local football team has a centre forward who's so bad,
yesterday he took three shots and missed-and this was just
applying his spray deodorant.

My appartment is so expensive that the rent goes up faster than
the lift.

I went into an expensive jewellers and asked the assistant what
I could give my wife for five pounds. He said, ' The wrapping
paper. '

My family said I should share everything I get from my job.
So I agreed. I gave one an ulcer, one a migraine, one
hypertension and the rest high blood pressure.

I know a couple who took their four kids, three dogs and two
cats and spent a four week holiday in a caravan. And it was
very economical. They saved enough money for the divorce.

My wife's idea of a balanced budget is to owe every shop equally.

Summer is when a young man's fancy turns to starry nights of
love on a moonlight beach. No need to seek a cure, just wait
until the tide comes in.

I'll say one thing for our kids: They're not the kind who ignore
us for months on end and then bring us things on Mother's Day
and Father's Day. They bring us things all year long-problems,
complaints, laundry.

We knew our son was gifted when he spoke his first words. With
some kids it's ' Mommy 1 or ' Dada. 1 His first words were:
' I am wet, Pamper me. '

Ordinary elections are old fashioned and are being replaced
by a neutron election. It destroys the voters but leaves the
politicians intact.

No matter how fast technology advances, we're still stuck with
the same old problems. For instance, my agent emigrated to the
United States owing me a lot of money. I rang him up and he
assured me that the cheque was in the satellite.

Growing old is a road we all must travel-but it's amazing how
many people try to make a U-turn at forty.

Did you ever have the feeling that the main aim of modern
medicine is not to keep you from dying, but to keep you alive
long enough to pay for modern medicine?

Have you ever considered the possibility that the reason your
foot falls asleep on you-is bepause it finds the rest of your
body boring? , ,

I've been on a diet so long I've forgotten where my mouth is.

You know you need to lose weight when you're in a crowded room-
and you're alone.

I don't need birthdays to remind me that I'm getting older.
My body does it for me.

I've had so many diseases my doctor gives me a volume discount.

I'll say one thing for my doctor, he's thorough. When he gives
me a complete physical examination, he always includes a stress
test . It's his bill .

I will never understand doctor^ whp^say , ' ( You ' 11 soon be back
to your old self. ' When it was your old self that made you
go to see them in the first place.

Success is what you have left when you've wrung out all the
failure.

I'm labouring under a very heavy financial burden-me.
If you've got it, ostenate it.

The problem with banks is-they want a mountain of collateral
before they'll lend you a molehill of money.

Playing golf is a lot like sex-you always think you'll do
better the next time.

Our class prefect couldn't make it to the reunion-it was his
day to wax the prison governor's^ car.

I took my wife on a world cruise. Now she can say ' No ' in
fourteen different langauges.

Dogs are a nuisance. You have to feed them and clean them and
walk them. Instead of a dog, do what I do. Get yourself a
potted plant and call it Spot.

I found an old diary yesterday and
with three stars. It was either to
Declaration of Independence, or my
hostess.

the Fourth of July was marked
remind me of the Americian
only date with an airline

Loose morals are what get people into tight places.

I had a one night stand last week. I lost my key and had to
stand outside all night until my brother came home.

Joan Collins reads a lot of newspapers and would be lost without
her Daily Male.

My mother-in-law is a modern day Helen of Troy. Except for one
small detail. Hers is the face that sunk a thousand ships.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
any weight, but can she climb a tree.

The only reason my maiden aunt, took up jogging was, to hear
heavy breathing. , , r

My wife does not understand the, concept of Roman Numerals.
She thought Hitler was beaten in World War Eleven.

I heard my mother-in-law was coming over for the weekend, so
I loosened the webbing on her, favourite deck chair.

I had a very interesting weekend. I went to the beach and wrote
' this end up ' on both sides of a crab.

Being an alcholic has improved the hearing of my uncle. From
a distance of three miles he> can hear the crack of a newly
opened beer can.

My mother-in-law went to the funfair and was missing for five
hours. She went into the House of Horrors and fell asleep among
her look-a-likes.

My mother always told me to wear i clean underwear . You never
know when you might have to appear in a TV advert for washing
powder. * t -

What would happen if vampires had birthdays? I suppose you would
still have to bring flowers and generally suck up to them.

Cyclists are making so much money, they've all become yuppies.
When they win a race, they still pour champagne over each other-
but only after it's had time to breathe.

I f ve discovered why car mechanics spend so much time lying on
their backs. All that money can weigh them down,

Pat is a terrible name for a woman. For instance, she can never
wear it on the front of a sweater. I was performing wirh Samantha
Fox last night and it gave me a false sense of security. I
didn f t know if I was hearing applause or hearts pounding.

There is no justice in this world. Liverpool are called losers
because in the Cup Final they couldn't score-and Harvey Proctor,
because he could. ;

I don't want to brag or seem self-righteous-bu t my wife and
I keep the Ten Commandments. Five each.

The problem with assert iveness training is people like my
mother-in-law overdo it.

Remember when cars were, completely made of steel-the bumpers,
the doors, the boot, the frame, the bonnet? Now the only thing
made of steel is the man collecting the payments.

It's heartwarming the way ethical car makers have kept up with
new developments in car safety* They've just come out with
chasity seat belts.

Every Saturday I spend four hours washing, waxing and polishing
the ear-but when it's finished,, I can see my face in it-and
it really looks tired.

Do you realise that we have chocolate that doesn't melt in your
hands and money that does?

I'll never understand the purpose of a breathalyser test. All
it proves is that your breath has been drinking.

I'm just back from a quiet holiday resort. It had fewer people
than a home match for ( soccer team ).

My wife always ' over packs ' when we go on an adventure holiday.
I mean, who needs a parachute when you go scuba diving?

I can't remember whether I've been to ( holiday resort ) -let
me go home and check my ashtrays.

I'm taking my mother-in-law on holidays to Haiti. I need somebody
to scare off the zombies.

Samantha Fox went on holidays to the Costa del Sol. She won
first and second prize in the wet t-shirt contest.

I'm not bothered about the air fares coming down-just the landing
gear.

It's so hot the only thing my ouija board will point at is a
bowl of ice cubes.

To me mowing the lawn is a ' pain in the grass. '

I think I planted my vegatables too close to my roses. I have
the only cabbages with thorns.

I have the kind of appartment where the plaster is cracked-and
so is the landlord.

My wife did two chin-ups today-one for each chin.

o

Money can buy happiness-bu t you have to keep up the payments.

I think I'm losing touch with reality-and we used to be so close

This is the middle of the salad season and we all have the same
problem: What wine goes with greenfly?

\

There are a lot of similarities between the different
professions. For instance, look at the way the Speaker of the
House of Commons has to deal with the very same problems as

nursery school teachers.

If you want your garden to look nice you must spread fertiliser.
And if you want your garden to look very nice you buy expensive
fertiliser called lawn food. It is my bad luck that I have a
gourmet garden.

When it comes to marrriage, I believe that a man should follow
his heart-so I've just become engaged to a chicken fried rice.

Living together without being married is like being punished
for a crime you didn't commit.

Marriage is the mountain we make out of the molehill of sex.

It's no wonder that marriages fail. The bride is never the maid
of honour and the groom is never the best man.

Winning isn't everything. If it was, no husband in his right
mind would ever get into an argument with his wife.

I keep telling my wife to let bygones be bygones-and I have
the same success with that line as Kurt Waldheim.

July is when we all look forward to the holiday the boss thinks
we've been taking all year long.

The best thing about Manchester is that wherever you go, you're
halfway there .

Going out with a new girlfriend reminds me of the Seven Dwarfs.
You start off Bashful; "then you're Happy; if it doesn't go any
further you're Grumpy; but if it does-you could be Dopey if
you end up seeing a Doc.

Help remove pollution-take deep breaths.

My new car has an interesting safety device. When it comes
to within three feet of another car, a clear electronic voice
tells you how much you still owe on it.

My uncle is not lazy. He's just convinced that work is caused
by a virus.

The garage worked on my car and sent me a bill for five hundred
pounds. It was a bad case of open hood surgery.

I'm going to spend my holiday somewhere with a lot of water-
just like my cellar.

I'm on such a strict diet that I can't even listen to the gong
for dinner.

There's a new diet that allows you to eat all you want of chips

steak, cake, sweets, eggs and bacon, and it's guaranteed to
keep you slim-particularly around your wallet.

They were showing a new breed of dog at Crufts this year. It's
called an attack dog because when you hear how much they cost
that is what you have.

A doctor is someone who can put his stethoscope against the
chest of Samantha Fox and hear his heart beat.

We've had a little problem with our dog. It took us three month
to paper train him-and another three months to convince him
the paper we were referring to wasn't wallpaper.

I went to see the horror film Friday the Thirteenth with my
mother-in-law and it was so frightening that I screamed twice.
Once at the film.

My hangover is so bad that if I saw ray name in the death column
I ' d believe it .

I had to go into hospital for a month and for the first week
my wife visited me every day bringing fruit and chocolates.
Then she stopped coming and when I rang her up to find out why
she said, 1 I can't visit you anymore, I'm on a diet. '

The only thing I have saved for a rainy day is a roof that leak

It looks like Neil Kinnock's popularity has lasted as long as
a pickle in a maternity ward.

I have a relative who's a watchman. It's ray aunt. And the man
she watches is ray uncle.

It s amazing how many people who have a solid set of values
never use them. I suppose , th§y 5 don ' t ^ant to break the set.

I can always tell when there's a sexy scene in a film. My wife
leans over and breathes on my glasses.

I don't want to say my mother-in-law is a messy eater but, to
her, finger food is mashed potatoes.

I'll say one thing for my son. He has no hang-ups. Everything
he owns is on the floor.

I come from a poor part of Newcastle. Up there some people had
homing pigeons. We had homing coqkroaches.

They say London is overcrowded, which 13 quite ridiculous. Only
last night I had ^ muggerall %o myself .

I don't know why they say Loudon is so expensive. I have free
accomadation facing Hyde far|<; F Tfye reason it's facing Hyde Park

-it's a bench .

My wife has bought a new health corset that pulls in and
redistributes her faj-and it really works. Her waistline is
34 and so are her ankles.

We have a big problem with our lawn-dew on the grass. Yes,
dew on the grass. Every morning twenty-two of our neighbours'
dogs dew on the grass.

We should all stand up for our rights. If you are on holidays
and living in a caravan-do the best you can.