A History of New-York: From the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty ...

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.*.

«* OF

N E W-YORK,

FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD

TO TUB ENS OF THE

DUTCH DYNASTY.

CONTAINING

Aaejig many Surprising and Curious Matters, the Unutterable
Pooderings of Walter tbr Doi/btir, the Disastrous Projects
•F William the Testy, and the chiralric achievements of
Peter thb Headstrong, the three Dutch Governors of Niw-
Amsterdam ; being the only Autheutic History of the Timet
that erer hath been published*

The Second Edition with Alterations.

BY D1EDRICH KNICKERBOCKER.

9e toaar^efo We m mrfjfter lag,
&it fount met febarijeift aan titn *ag.

IN TWO VOLUMES.
VOL. I.

NEW-YORK:

PUBLISHED BY 2NSXZEP AND BBJCOTOllT^ KW

MMAbrOMD AND JXSKEEP, PHlLJWlTaVUnKlK*

1812.

■ ■ • V
.,.11

5663MI

UlSTRlCTTJF^mW'YORK, w.

IjE it remembered, that on the tin
June, in the thirty-sixth year of the Independence of i
States of America, Intkeep and Bradford, of the said Dis
deposited tn^this Office the title of a Book, the ri$ht whereof
as Proprietors, in the words and figures following, to \
" History of New-York, from tbe beginning of the \
" the end of tbe Dutch Dynasty, Containing among r
" prising and Curious Matters, the Unutterable Pont
" Walter tbe Doubter, the Disastrous Projects of Wi
" Testy, and the Chivalric achievements of Peter the He
" the three Dutch Governors of New-Amsterdam ; being
" Authentic History of the Times that ever hath been ]
" The Sectnd Edition with Alterations. By Diedrich
" bocker. De waarbeid die in duister lag, die komt met
" aan den dag.'* In conformity to the Act of the Cong]
United States, entitled, " An Act for the encouragement of
" by securing the copies of Maps, Charts, and Books, to th
" and Proprietors of such copies during the limes therein m
and also to an Act, entitled, *' An Act supplementary U
" entitled, ' An Act for the encouragement of Learning, by si
" copies of Maps, Charts, and Books to the Authors and J
" of such copies during the times therein mentioned,' and exi
« benefits thereof to the arts of Designing, Engraving, an
*' Historical and other Prints. 9 '

CHARLES CLINTON,

Clerk of the District of 1

■
u

lit

1

or

i

tbi

3i

TO THI

NEW-YORK

HISTORICAL SOCIETY

This work is respectfully dedicated,
« an humble and unworthy testimony of
*J the profound veneration and exalted esteem
tf the Society's

Sincere well wisher,

and

; Devoted Servant,

; DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER.

\

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

IT was sometime, if I recollect right, in the
tirly part of the fall of 1808, that a stranger
lfpiied for lodgings at the Independent Colum-
bia Hotel in Mulberry-Street, of which I am
landlord. He was a small, brisk looking old gen-
tleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of
tike velret breeches, and a small cocked hat* He
bd a few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind,
Md his beard seemed to be of some eight and
fcrty hours growth. The only piece of finery
Which he bore about him, was a bright pair of
quire silver shoe buckles : and all his baggage
wis contained in a pair of saddle bags, which he
tarried under his arm. His whole appearance
tts something out of the common run; and my
tile, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him
town for some eminent country schoolmaster.

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very
uaudl house, I was a little puzzled at first where
to pot him ; but my wife, who seemed taken with
his looks, would needs put him in her best cham-
fer* which is genteelly set off with the profiles of
the whole family, done in black, by those tat*

VOL. I. 4

ii ACCOUNT OP

great painters, Jarvis and Wood; and commant
a very pleasant view of the new grounds on tl
Collect, together with the rear of the Poor-Houi
and Bridewell, and the full front of the Hospital
so that it is the cheerfullest room in the who]
house.

During the whole time that he stayed with u
we found him a very worthy good sort of an ol
gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. H
would keep in his room for days together, and i
any of the children cried, or made a noise aboc
his door, he would bounce out in a great passioi
with his hands full of papers, and say somethin
about "deranging his ideas;" which made m
wife .believe sometimes that he was not altogethe
compos. Indeed there was more than one reaso
to make her think so, for his room was alway
covered with scraps of paper and old mouldy books
laying about at sixes and sevens, which he wouli
never let any body touch ; for he said he had laii
them all away in their proper places, so that h
might know where to find them; though for tha
matter, he was half his time worrying about th<
house in search of some book or writing which h<
had carefully put out of the way. I shall neve;
forget what a pother he once made, because m;
wife cleaned out his room when his back wa
turned, and put every thing to rights; for hi
swore he would never be able to get his papers ii
order again in a twelvemonth. Upon this my wif<

THE AFTHOB. Hi

ventured to ask him, what be did with so many
hooks and papers ? and he told her, that he was
* seeking for immortality; 99 which made her
think more than ever, that the poor old gentle-
man's head was a little cracked.

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not
in his room was continually poking about town,
fearing all the news, and prying into every thing
that was going on: this was particularly the ease
about election time, when he did nothing but bustle
about from poll to poll,attending all ward meetings
and committee rooms; though I could never find
that he took part with either side of the question.
On the contrary, he would come home and rail at
loth parties with great wrath — and plainly proved
one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and three
old ladies who were drinking tea with her, that
the two parties were like two rogues, each tug-
ging at a skirt of the nation ; and that in the end
they would tear the very coat off its back, and
expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle
among the neighbours, who would collect arotiud
him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he
smoaked his pipe on the bench before the door ;
and I really believe he would have brought over
the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the
question, if they could ever have found out what
it was.

He was very much given" to argue, or, as he
ealled it, philosophize, about the mo*t tttfl»%

iv Aeooimv o*

matter, and to do him justice, I never knew an
body that was a match for hifli, except it was
grave looking gentleman who called now and the
to see him, and often posed him in an argumen
But this is nothing surprising, as I have sine
found out this stranger is the city librarian ; am
of course, must be a man of great learning: M
t have my doubts, if he had not some hand i
the following history.

As our lodger had been a long time with m
and we iiad never received any pay, my wife be
gan to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to fin<
put who and what he was. She accordingly mad'
bold to put the question to his friend, the libra
lian, who replied in his dry way, that he was on<
of the Literati; which she supposed to mean somi
new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodge:
for his pay, so I let day after day pass on with
out dunning the old gentleman for a farthing
but my wife, who always takes these matters oi
herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of \
woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted
that she thought it high time " some people shouh
have a sight of some people's money." To whicl
the old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy man
ner, that she need not make herself uneasy, fo:
that he had a treasure there, (pointing to hi:
saddle-bags,) worth her whole house put together
This was the only answer we could ever get fron
him y and as my wife, by some of those pfld way

Thfi AUTfiOH. X* 4

rich women find out every thing, letffat that
as of very great connexions, being related
le Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and
i-german to the Congress-man of that name,
id not like to treat him uncivilly. What is

she even offered, merely by way of making
i easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would
the children their letters; and to try her
nd get the neighbours to send their children

but the old gentleman took it in such
on, and seemed so affronted at being taken
school-master, that she never dared speak
: subject again.

>ut two months ago, he went out of a morn-
rith a bundle in his hand — and has never
leard of since. All kinds of inquiries were
after him, but in vain. I wrote to his re-
i at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for an-
that he had not been there since the year
• last, when he had a great dispute with the
ess-man about politics, and left the place
off, and they had neither heardnor seen any
rf him from that time to this. I must own
rery much worried about the poor qld gentlc-
for I thought something bad must have
tied to him, that he should be missing so
and never return to pay his bill. I there-
Ivertised him in the newspapers, and though
lelancholy advertisement waa puWwhed

i*

*»-

VI ACCOUNT O*

by several humane printers, yet I have never
been able to learn any thing satisfactory about
him.

, My wife now said it was high time to take care
of ourselves, and see if he had left any thing
behind in his room, that would pay us for hit
board and lodging. We found nothing, however,
but some old books and musty writings, and hia
pair of saddle bags ; whieh, being opened in the
presenee of the librarian, contained only a few
articles of worn out clothes, and a large bundle
of blotted paper. On looking over this, the libra*
rian told us, he had no doubt it was the treasure
whieh the old gentleman had spoke about; as it
proved to be a most excellent and faithful his-
tokv of new-york, which he advised us by alt
means to publish : assuring us that it would be so
eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that ho
had no doubt it would be enough to pay otir
arrears ten times over. Upon this we got a very
learned school-waster, who teaches our children*
to prepare it for the press, which he accordingly
has done ; and has, moreover, added to it a num-
ber of notes of his own ; and an engraving of the
©ity, as it was at the time Mr. Knickerbocker
sprites about.

Tliis* therefore, is a true statement of my tea*
s*ons for having this work printed* without waiting
for the consent of the author: and I here declare*
that if he ever returns, (though, I much fear some

THE authoh. rii

wlmppy accident has befallen him,) I stand ready
to aceount with him like a true and honest man.
Which is all at present—

From the public's humble servant,

Seth ILandasidb.

Independent Columbian Hotel,
Jfcw-Fork.

THE foregoing aceount of the author was pre*
Ixed to the first edition of this work. Shortly
after ks publication a letter was received from
Un, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch
village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he
had travelled for the purpose of inspecting eer-
tua ancient records. As this was one of those
few and happy villages, into which newspapers
lever find their way, it is not a matter of sur-
prise, that Mrw Knickerbocker should never have
•cen the nmmerous advertisements that were made
meaning hhaj and that he should learn of the
puUieatiefr of hid history by mere accident.

He expressed muclf concern at its premature
l|pearanee» a* thereby he was prevented front
Mking several important corrections and alter-
is : as wf 11 as from profiting by m«aT.«ipta*»

viii ACCOUNT 0*

hints which he had collected during his travel!
along the shores of the Tappan Sea, arid hi!
sojourn at Haverstraw and Esopus.

Finding that there was no longer any immediate
necessity for his return to New-York, he exteid
ed his journey up to the residence of his rela-
tions at Scag\tikoke. On his way thither, hi
stopped for some days at Albany, for whicl
city he is known to have entertained a great
partiality. He found it, however, considerably
altered, and was much concerned at the inroads
and improvements which the Yankees were making,
and the consequent decline of the good old Dutch
manners. Indeed he was informed that these
intruders were making sad innovations in all parte
of the state; where they had given great trouble
and vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the
introduction of turnpike gates, and country school-
houses. It is said also, that Mr. Knickerbocker
shook his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual
decay of the great Vander Heyden palace $ but was
highly indignant at finding that the ancient
Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the
street had been pulled down, since his last visit. -
The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history
having reached even to Albany, he received much
flattering attention from its worthy burghers,
some of whom, however, pointed out two or
three very great errors he had fallen into, parti-
^tftrly that of suspending a lump of sugar oter

TUB AUTHOR. fe

Jbany tea-tables, which, they assured him,
een discontinued for some years past. 8ev-
families, moreover, were somewhat piqued
heir ancestors had not been mentioned in his

and showed great jealousy of their neigh*
who had been thus distinguished^ while
itter, it must be confessed, plumed them-
vastly thereupon ; considering these record-
n the light of letters patent of nobility,
ishing their claims to ancestry— which, in
epubliean country, is a matter of no little
ide and vain-glory.

also said, that he enjoyed high favour and
Dance from the governor, who onee asked
* dinner, and was seen two or three times
te hands with him, when they met in the

which certainly was going great lengths,
iring that they differed in polities. Indeed,
t of the governor's confidential friends, te
he could venture to speak his/nind freely
h matters, have assured us, that he pri-
entertained a considerable good will for
Lhor — nay, he even once went so for as to
>, and that openly too, and at his own
just after dinner, that "Knickerbocker
a very well meaning sort of an old gentle*
> and no fool." From all which many
teen led to suppose, that, had our author
f different politics, and written for the
tpers instead of wasting his taHuta w\

X ACCOUNT 0*

histories, he might have risen to some post
honour and profit : peradventure to be a note
public, or even a justice in the ten pound cour

Beside the honours and civilities already hh
tioned, he was much caressed by the literati
Albany j. particularly Mr. John Cook, who e
tertained him very hospitably at his circulati
library, and reading room, where they used
drink Spa water, and talk about the ancien
He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart
of great literary research, and a curious eollc
tor of books. At parting, the latter, in tes
mony of friendship, made him a present of t
two eldest works in bis collection ; which we
the earliest edition of the Hiedelburgh Catechisi
and Adrian Vander Donck's famous account
the New Netherlands : by the last of which, ]W
Knickerbocker profited greatly in this his seco
edition.

Having passed some time very agreeably
Albany, our author proceeded to Scaghtikok
where, it is but justice to say, he was receiv
with open arms, and treated with wonderi
loving-kindness. He was much looked up to
the family, being the first historian of the nam
and was considered almost as great a man as 1
cousin the Congress-man — with whom, by t
bye, he became perfectly reconciled, and c<
tracted a strong friendship.

THE AUTHOB. Xi

1 4 Id spite, however, of the kindness of his reta-
ins, and their great attention to his comforts,
ut | the old gentleman soon became restless and dis-
contented. His history being published, he had
pa longer any business to occupy his thoughts, or
My scheme to excite his hopes and anticipations.
Wis, to a busy mind like his, was a truly de-
1 JjtoraMe situation; and, had he not been a man
on tf inflexible morals and regular habits, there
t-l would have been great danger of his taking to
let politics, or drinking — both which pernicious
si rices we daily see men driven to, by mere spleen
tnd idleness.

It is true, he sometimes employed himself, in

preparing a second edition of his history, wherein

kc endeavoured to correct and improve many

passages with which he was dissatisfied, and to

leetify some mistakes that had crept into it; for

he was particularly anxious that his work should

■e noted for its authenticity ; which, indeed, is

J tie very life and soul of history. — But the glow

« if composition had departed — he had to leave

■any plaees untouched, which he would fain have

altered; and even where he did make alterations,

he seemed always in doubt whether they were

for the better or the worse.

After a residence of sometime at Scaghtikoke,
lie began to feel a strong desire to return to New-
Tork, which he ever regarded with the warmest
affectum ; not merely because it was liis u&tvxe

en
si

%

fclJ ACCOUNT 0*

city* but because be realty considered it the re
best city in the whole world. On his return,
entered into the full enjoyment of the advantag
of a literary reputation. He was continually ft
portuned to write advertisements, petitions, ban
bills* and productions of similar import : and, i
though he never meddled with the public papers, j
had he the credit of writing innumerable essaj
and smart things, that appeared on all subject
and all sides of the question ; in all which he w;
elearly detected « by his style."

He contracted, moreover, a considerable de
at the post office, in consequence of the nume
ohs letters he received from authors and printe
soliciting bis subscription — he was applied to 1
every charitable society for yearly donation
which he gave very cheerfully, considering thei
applications as so many compliments. He wj
once invited to a great corporation dinner $ an
was even twice summoned to attend as a jury ma
at the court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so r<
newned did he become, that he could no long*
pry about, as formerly, in all holes and eornei
of the city, according to the bent of his humou
unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but several tin*
when he has been sauntering the streets, on h:
usual rambles of observation, equipped with h
eane and cocked hat, the little boys at play hai
been known to cry, « there goes Diedrieh I" i

I THE AUTHOR. xiii

Tfa Jrkieh the old gentleman seemed not a little
lf J {leased, looking upon these salutations in the
£ a «J light of the praises of posterity.

' inf ^ a wor< *> if we tek° * nto consideration all
aD J ttese yarious honours and distinctions, -together
L all *** an exu ^ erant eulogium, passed on him in the
?# Jhrt Folio — (with which, we arc told, the old
. a * r J gntleman was so much overpowered, that he
ier J vis sick for two or three days,)— it must be con-
_ I fessed, that few authors have ever lived to receive
7 nieh illustrious rewards, or have so completely
I ,1 enjoyed in advance their own immortality.

7 After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knick-
p I erboeker took up his residence at a little rural
. I retreat, which the Stuyvesants had granted him
J on the family domain, in gratitude for his honor-
/ able mention of their ancestor. It was pleasantly
J situated on the borders of one of the salt marshes
beyond Corlear's Hook: subject, indeed, to be
occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in
the su mmer time, with musquitocs ; but other-
wise very agreeable, producing abundant crops
of salt-grass and bull-rushes.

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gen-
tleman fell dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned
by the neighbouring marshes. When he found
his end approaching, he disposed of his worldly
affairs, leaving the "bulk of his fortune to the
New- York Historical Society: Ids Hiedelburgh

VOL. I. 2

Xiv ACCOUNT OF, &C.

Catechism, and Vander Donck's work Ho
City Library ; and his saddle-bags to Mr. B
aside. He forgave all his enemies—that
say, all that bore any enmity towards him ; f
to himself, he declared he died in good will 1
the world. And, after dictating several
messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as
as to certain of our most substantial Dutch
zens, he expired in the arms of his friem
librarian.

His remains were interred, according to
own request, in St. Mark's Churchyard, <
by the bones of his favourite hero, Peter £
vesant: and it is rumoured, that the Histoi
Society have it in mind *to erect a wooden m
ment to his memory in the Bowling-Qreen.

#

TO THE PUBLIC.

" TO rescue from oblivion the memory of for-
" mer incidents, and to render a just tribute of
u renown to the many great and wonderful trans-
"actions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich
"Knickerbocker, native of the city of New-York,
"produces this historical essay.*" Like the
great Father of History whose words I have just
quoted, I treat of times long past, over which the
twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its sha-
dows, and the night of forgetfulness was about to
descend forever. With great solicitude . had I long
beheld the early history of this venerable and an-
cient city, gradually slipping from our grasp,trem-
bling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by
day dropping piece meal into the tomb. In a lit-
tle while, thought I, and those reverend Dutch
burghers,who serve as the tottering monuments of
good old times, will be gathered to their fathers $

•

* Beloe's Herodotus. "*--

XY1 PREFACE,

their children engrossed by the empty p
insignificant transactions of the preser
neglect to treasure up therecollections
and posterity shall search in vain, for
of the days of the Patriarchs. The o]
eity will be buried in eternal oblivion, a
names and achievements of Wouter V
William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant,
ed in doubt and fiction, like those of R
Rhemus, of Charlemagne, King Arthi
and Godfrey of Bdlogne.

Determined therefore, to avert if p
threatened .misfortune, I industriously
to work, to gather together all the fi
our infant history which still existed, i
revered prototype, Herodfftus, where no
cords could be found, I have endeavoi
tinue the chain of history by well au
traditions.

In this arduous undertaking, whic
the whole business of a long and solita
incredible the number of learned autl
consulted ; and all to but little purpos
as it may seem, though such multitude
lent works have been written about th
there are none extant which give any :
tisfactory account of the early histoi
York, or of its three first Dutch govern*
however, gained much valuable and ci

from an elaborate manuscript written in ex-
ting pure and classic loyr dutch, excepting a few
►rs in orthography, which was found in the
lives of the Stuyvesant family. Many legends,
;rs and other documents have I likewise glean-
in my researches among the family chests and
her garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens;
I have gathered a host of well authenticated
Lit ions from divers excellent old ladies of my
aaintanee, who requested that their names
ht not be mentioned* Nor must I neglect to
nowledge how greatly I have been assisted by
; admirable and praiseworthy institution, the
v-York Historical Society, to which I
5 publicly return my sincere acknowledgments,
i the conduct of this inestimable work I
e adopted no individual model, but on the con-
yhave simply contented myself with eombin-
and concentrating the^excellencies of the most
roved ancient historians. Like Xenophou, I
e maintained the utmost impartiality, and the
etest adherence to truth throughout my history,
ve enriched it, after the manner of Sallust, with
ious characters of ancient worthies, drawn at
length and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned
rith profound political speculations like Thu-
ides, sweetened it with with the graces of scnti-
it like Tacitus, and infused into the whole the
nity, the grandeur and magnificence of Xivy.

* 3 *

\

XV111 PREFACE*

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of nu«
merous very learned and judicious critics, for in*,
dulging too frequently in the bold excursive man*
ner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be candid, I
bave found it impossible always to resist the allure*
ments of those pleasing episqdes, which like flow*
ery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty
road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside,
and refresh himself from his wayfaring But I
trust it will be found, that I have always resumed
my staff, and addressed myself to my weary jour-
ney with renovated spirits, so that both my
readers and myself, have been benefited by the
relaxation.

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish

and uniform endeavour, to rival Polybius himself,

in observing the requisite unity of History, yet the

loose and unconnected manner in which many of

m the facts herein recorded have come to hand, ren-

'dered such an attempt extremely difficult* This

difficulty was likewise increased, by one of the

grand objects contemplated in my work, which

was to trace the rise of sundry customs and in*

stitutions in this best of eitics, and to compare

them when in the germ of infancy, with what

they are in the present old age of knowledge and

improvement.

But the chief merit on which I value my self,and
found my hopes for future regard, is that

lA

frHErACfi* six

fal yeractty with which I have compiled this in-
valuable little work ; care fully winnowing away the
the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding tbe tares
nf fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke
the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge.—
Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial
throng, who skim like swallows over the surface
of literature; or had I been anxious to commend
my writings to the pampered palates of literary
.epicures, I might have availed myself of the ob-
scurity that overshadows the infant years of our
city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions*
But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy
tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the
drowsy ear of summer indolence might be en-
thralled; jealousy maintaining that fidelity, gra-
vity, and dignity, which should ever distinguish
the historian. " For a writer of this class," ob-
serves an elegant critic, " must sustain the cha-
racter of a wise man, writing for the instruction
of posterity ; one who has studied to inform him-
self well, who has pondered his subject with care,
and addresses himself to our judgment, rather
than to our imagination."

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned

city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the

theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy is it in

haying such a historian as myself, to relate them.

*For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves,

IX PREFACE.

and, Id fact, empires of themselves, are nothiu
- without aii historian/ It is the patient narrat*
who records their prosperity as they rise— wtl
blazons forth the splendour of their noontide me
ridian — who props their feeble memorials as the)
totter to decay — who gathers together their seal
tered fragments as they rot — and who piously d
length collects their ashes into the mausoleum «j
his work, and rears a triumphal monument, u
transmit their renown to all succeeding ages.

What has been the fate of many fair cities oil
antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber Uk
plains of Europe and Asia, and awaken the fruit
less inquiry of the traveller? — they have sunk intt
dust and silence, they have perished from »
membrance for want of a historian ! The philan-
thropist may weep over their desolation — the poel
may wander among their mouldering arches and
broken columns, and indulge the visionary flights
of his fancy — but alas ! alas ! the modern histoi
rian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to con*
fine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain
among their oblivious remains, for some memo-
rial that may tell the instructive tale, of theft
glory and their ruin.

« Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristo-
tle, « destroy nations, and with them all their
monuments, their discoveries, and their vanities
—-The torch of science has more than once been

m'

p&eface. xxi

extinguished and rekindled— a few individuals,
I who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread
I if generations."

• The same sad misfortune whiph has happened
to se many ancient cities, will happen again, and

from the. same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those
which. now flourish on the face of the globe.

With most of them the time for recording their
history is gone by; their origin, their foundation,
together with the early stages of their settlement,
are forever buried in the rubbish of years; and
and the same would have been the case with this
fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it
from obseurity in the very nick of time, at the
siomont that those matters herein recorded* were
about entering into the wide-spread insatiable
naw of oblivion— if I had not dragged them out,
as.it were, by the very locks, just as the mon-
itor's adamantine fangs were closing upon them
for ever ! And here have I, as before observed,
carefully collected, collated, and arranged them,
scrip and scrap, " punt en punt, gat en gat," and
commenced in this little work, a history to serve
as a foundation, on which other historians may
hereafter raise a noble superstructure, swelling
in process of time, until Knickerbocker's JV*eic-
York may be equally voluminous, with Gibbons
Borne, or Hume and Smolkt's England /

i

MJi SKEFACE.

And now indulge me for a moment, while
lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence f
at the distance of two or three hundred yeal
a-head; and easting back a bird's eye gland
oyer the waste of years that is to roll betweea
discover myself — little I ! — at this moment th
progenitor, prototype, and precursor of them all
posted at the head of this host of literary, wot
thies, with my book under my arm, and New
York on my back, pressing forward like i
gallant commander, to honour and immortality !

Such are the vain-glorious imaginings that wil
now and then ent^r into the brain of the author--
that irradiate, as with celestial light, his solitary
chamber, cheering his weary spirits, and ani
mating him to persevere in his labours. And]
have freely given utteranee to these rhapsodiei
whenever they have occurred ; not, I trust, fro*
an unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that th«
reader may for once have an idea, how an authoi
thinks and feels while h&Hg. writing — a kind d
knowledge very rare and curious, and much U
be desired*

BOOK I.

Gtotsioing dhrers ingenious theories and Philosophic speculations,
concerning the Creation and Population of the World, as col-
lected with the History of New- York.

CHAP. I.

Description of the World.

ACCORDING to the beft authorities, the worid in
vhich we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate
■*&, floating in the vail ethereal ocean of infinite
^ace. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate
)id, curioufly flattened at opposite parts, for the
■rfertkra of two imaginary poles, which are fuppofed
to penetrate and unite at the centre; thus forming an
axis on which the mighty orange turns with a regular
feffnal revolution.

The tranfitions of light and darknefs, whence pro-
the alternations of day and night, are produced

this diurnal revolution succeflively prefenting the
Afferent parts of the earth to the rays of the fun.

HISTORY 6*

#

The latter is, according to the beft, that is to fay, tfa
late ft accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a pn
digious magnitude, from which this world is drivel
by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which I
is drawn by a centripetal or attractive force; othcifa
wife called the attraction of gravitation; the combs
nation, or rather the counteraction of thefe two dp
pofing impulfes producing a circular and annual revo-
lution. Hence refult the different feafons of the yetfj
viz. fpring, fummer, autumn and winter.

This I believe to be the moil approved modern the*
ory on the subject — though there be many philofo
phers who have entertained very different opinions j
fome too of them, entitled to much deference from
their great antiquity and illuftrious characters. Thm
it was advanced by fome of the ancient Cages, that
the earth was an extended plain, fupported by vaft
pillars; and by others, that it refted on the head qf
a fnake, or the back of a huge tortoife — but as they
did not provide a refting place for either the pillars at
the tortoife, the whole theory fell to the ground, fe
want of proper foundation.

The Bramins affert, that the heavens reft upon4be
earth, and the fun and moon fwim therein like BUnff
in the water, moving from eaft to weft by day, apd
gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original
ftations during the night j* while, according to, die

* Faria y Souza, Mick. Lus. ncte b. 7.

t
i

IfKW-YORK. a

Fauranicas of India, it is a vaft plain, encircled by
feren oceans of milk, nectar and other delicious li-
fxids; that it is ftudded with feven mountains, and
ornamented in the centre by a mountainous rock of
burniihed gold ; and that a great dragon occafionally
(wallows up the moon, which accounts for the phe-
nomena of lunar eclipfes.*

Befide thefe, and many other equally fage opinions,
we have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-
alt, fon of Al Khan, fon of Aly, fon of Abderrah-
1 man, fon of Abdallah, fon of M afoud-el-Hadheli,
who is commonly called M asoudi, and furnamed
Cothbeddin, but who takes the humble title of Laheb-
ff-rafoul, which means the companion of the ambaf-
fcdor of God. He has written an univerfal hiftory,
entitled " Mouroudge-ed-dhahrab, or, the Golden
Meadows, and the mines of precious Stones."f In
titis valuable work he has related the hiftory of the
world, from the creation down to the moodent of
writing; which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi
Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th
fear of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He in-
forms us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and
ad Medina conftituting the head, Perfia and India
the right wing, die land of Gog the left wing, and
Africa the tail. He informs us, moreover, that an
earth has exifted before the prefent, (which he confi-

* Sir W. Jone», Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod.
f Mss. Bibl ; ot. Rot. Fr.

1 VOL. I. 3

4 HISTOKY OF

ders as a mere chicken of 7000 years) that it has
dergone divers deluges, and that, according, to
opinion of fome well informed Brahmins of his
quaintance, it will be renovated every feventy fl
sandth hazarouam; each hazarouman confiding
12,000 years.

These are a few of the many contradictory opin
of philofophers concerning the earth, and we find
the learned have had equal perplexity as to the
ture of the fun. Some of the ancient philofop!
have affirmed that it is a vaft wheel of brilliant fi:
others that it is merely a mirror or fphere of tran
rent chryftaljf and a third clafs, at the head of wl
ftands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was not!
but a huge ignited mafs of iron or (tone — indeedj
declared the heavens to be merely a vault of ft<
and that the ftars were ftones whirled upwards f
the earth, and fet on fire by the velocity of its n
lutionSjl But I give little attention to the docti
of this^uofopher, the people of Athens having i
refuted them, by banishing him from their cifr
concife mode of anfwering unwelcome doctrines n
reforted to in former days. Another feet of phil
pbers do declare, that certain fiery particles ex
conftantly from the earth, which concentrating

.* Plutarch de placitis Philosoph. lib. ii. cap. 20.
f Achill. Tot. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. U iii. p. 81.
Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. PIut.de plac. phs.

J Diogenes Laertiucin Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat Apol. t. i. ]
Plut de Plac. Pbilo. Xenoph. Mem. 1. iv. p. 816.

l>

NEW-YORK. 5

[ingle point of the firmament by day, conftitute the
tin, but being (battered and rambling about in the
fab at night, collect in various points and form (liars.
Thefe are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not
unlike to the lamps in our ftreete* and require a fresh
fcpply of exhalations for the next occafion.*

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and ob-
fcare periods, in confequence of a great fcarcity of
fael, the fun has been completely burnt out, and some-
times not rekindled for a month at a time. A mod
nelancholy circum (lance, the very idea of which gave
nit concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping phi-
lofopher of antiquity. In addition to thefe various
(peculations, it was the opinion of Herfchel, that the
funis a magnificent, habitable abode; the light it fur-
mflies arifing from certain empyreal, luminous or phos-
phoric clouds, fwimming in its tranfparent atmoa-
pbere.f

But we will not enter further at prefent into the
nature of the fun, that being an inquiry not immedi-
ately neceiTary to the developement of this hiftory;
neither will we embroil ourfelves in any more of the
endlefs difputes of philofophers touching the form of
this globe, but content ourselves with the theory ad-
vanced in the beginning of this chapter, and will pro-

* Aristot. Meteor. I. ii.e. *3. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Eel.
Phyi. I. i. p. 55. .Brack. Hist. Phil. t. I. p. 1 15+, &.c.

t Phi'.os. Trans. 1795. p. 7 J. Idem. 1801. p. *65. N»ch. V&iiot.
Joura. I. p. L3.

*

Q HISTORY OP I

cccd to illuftrate by experiment, the complexity oL
motion therein afcribed to this our rotatory planet, i
Professor Von Foddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as thf
name may be rendered into English,) was long a
brated in the univerfi^f of Leyden, for mod profoi
gravity of deportment, and his talent at going to
in the midft of examinations $ to the infinite relief
his hopeful ftudents, who thereby worked their wa^i
through college with great eafe and little ftudy. JM
the courfe of one of his lectures, the learned pro-i
fefibr, feizing a bucket of water fwung it round hit)
head at arm's length \ the impulfe with which hq
threw the veflel from him, being a centrifugal forcey
the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal
power, and the bucket, which was a fubftitute foe
die earth, describing a circular orbit round about the
globular head and ruby vifage of ProfefTor Von Pod-;
dingcoft, which formed no bad reprefentation of the
fun. All of thefe particulars were duly explained to
the clafs of gaping ftudents around him. He apprifed
them moreover, that the fame principle of gravitation*
which retained the water in the bucket, reftrains the
ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid revo-
lutions; and he further informed them that should
the motion of the earth be fuddenly checked, it
would incontinently fall into the fun, through the cen-
tripetal force of gravitation ; a mod ruinous event
to this planet, and one which would alfo obfeure,
though it moft probably would not extinguish the

luminary. An unlucky (tripling, one of thofe
int geniufes, who feem fent into the woild
»ly to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead or-
defirous of afcertaining the correctnefs of the
eriment, fuddenly arretted jhe arm of the pro-
for 9 juft *t the moment that the bucket was in itj
aith, which immediately defcended with afloniih-
g precifion upon the philofophic head of the in-
ructor of youth. A hollow found, and a red-hot
oft attended die contact, but the theory w?s in the
unpleft manner illuftrated, for the unfortunate bucket
perifhed in the conflict ; but the blazing countenance
of Profeflbr Von Poddingcoft, emerged from amidft
die waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unuttera-
ble indignation — whereby the ftudents were marvel-
loufly edified, and departed confiderably wifer thaa
before*.

■

It is a mortifying circumftance, which greatly
perplexes many a pains taking philofopher, that na-
ture often refufesto fecond his mod profound and
elaborate efforts , fo that often after having invented
one of the molt ingenious and natural theories imagi-
nable, ihe will have the perverfenefs to act directly
in the teeth of his fyftem, and flatly contradict his
raoft favourite pofitions. This -is a manifeft am!
unmerited grievance, fince it throws the cenfur
of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philo*
opher} whereas the fault is not to be afcribc
to Us theory, which is unqueftionably correct, but

3 ■*

S HISTORY OF

the waywardnefs of dame nature, who with the ]
terbial ficklenefs of her fex, is continually induff
in coquetries and caprices, and feeiris really to t
pleaftire in violating all philofophic rules, and jUl
the molt learned and indefatigable of her adofi
Thus it happened with refpect to the foregoing fi
factory explanation of the motion of our planet;
appears that the centrifugal force has long fi
ceafed to operate, while its antagonift remains in
diminifhed potency: the world therefore, accord
to the theory as it originally ftood, ought in ftrict J
prtety to tumble into the fun— Philofophers were c
tinced that it would do fo, and awaited in anxi
impatience, the fulfilment of their prognoftics.
the untoward planet pertinacioufly continued
courfe, notwitbftanding that (he had reafon, ;
lofophy, and a whole univerfity of learned profei
oppofed to her conduct. The philofophers took
in very ill part, and it is thought they would m
have pardoned the flight and affront which they <
eeived put upon them by the world, had not a g
natured profeflbr kindly officiated as a mediator
tween the parties, and effected a reconciliation.

Finding die world would not accommodate i
•to the theory, he wifely determined to accommo*
the theory to the world: he therefore informed
brother philofophers, that the circular motion
the earth round the fun was no fooner engend<
by the ceafboing impulfes above defcribed, t

k became a regular revolution, independent of the
taufes which gave it origin. His learned brethren
Kadily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of
any explanation that would decently extricate then
from their embarraflment — and ever fince that me*
notable era the world has been left to take her own
toorfe, and to revolve around the fun in fuch orbit as
fiie thinks proper.

10 HISTOBT Ot

CHAP. II.

•

Cosmogony, or Creation of the World : with 4
multitude of excellent Theories, fry which tk
Creation of a World is shewn to be no s*d
difficult Matter as common Folks would mm
gine.

Having thus briefly introduced my wader to tin
world, and given him fome idea of its form and (ft
tuation, he will naturally be curious to know froa
whence it came, and how it was created. And in-
deed the clearing up of thefe points is abfolutel]
efiential to my hiftory, in as much as if this work
had not been formed, it is more than probable, thai
this renowned ifland on which is fituated the city oi
New- York, would never have had an exiftence. The
regular courfe of my hiftory therefore, requires thai
I fhould proceey to notice the cofmogony or formatiot
of thU our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning, that 1
am about to plunge for a chapter or two, into ai
complete a labyrinth as ever hiftorian was perplex*
ed withal : therefore I advife them to take fail hold
of my (kirts, and keep clofe at my heels, venturing
neither to the right hand nor to the left, left they gel
bemired in a Hough of unintelligible learning, 01
have their brains knocked out, by fome of thofe hard

5TEW-Y0BK* 11

Greek names which will be flying about in all direc-

But should any of them be too indolent or

n-hearted to accompany me in this perilous

g, they had better take a ftiort cut round,

wait for me at the beginning of fome fmoother

flapter*

Of the creation of the world, we have a thoftfand

tntradictory accounts; and though a very fatisfac-

toyone is furniihed us by divine revelation, yet

iverjr philofopher feels himfelf in honour bound,

fefnroilh us with abetter. As an impartial hifto-

6»> I confider it my duty to notice their fevcral

fcories, by which mankind have been fo exceedingly

•Med and inftructed.

Hws it was the opinion of certain ancient fages,
fat die earth and the whole fyftem of the univerfe,
lathe deity himfelf;* a doctrine moft ftrenuoufly
trintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of
Unties, as alfo by Strato and the feet of peripatetic
fUofophers. Pythagoras likewife inculcated the fa-
ton numerical fyftem of the monad, dyad,, and
Kid, and by means of his facred quaternary eluci-
dated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature*
ad die principles both of mufic and morals, f Other
iges adhered to the mathematical fyftem of fquares

* Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3.

f Arirtot. Metapli. lib i. c. 5. Mem de ccelol. 3. c i. Rouwean
m. «ar muaique aucieo. p. 39. Plutarch <lc plac. PhUvs. *»*>- *•
f>. 3.

12 HISTORY OF

and triangles; the cube, the pyramid, and the fpherei
the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icofahedron and
the dodecahedron.* While others advocated the great
elementary theory, which refers the conftruction oi
our globe and all that it contains, to the combina-
tions of four material elements, air, 'earth, fire and
ware*; with the afliftance of a fifth, an immaterial
and vivifying principle.

Nor mult I omit to mention the great atomic fy*
tern taught by old Mofchus before the fiege of Troyi
revived by Democritus of laughing memory; im
proved by Epicurus that Wing of good fellows, and mo
dernifed by the fanciful Defcartes. But I declift
inquiring, whether the atoms, of which the earth i
faid to be compofed, are eternal or recent ; whethe
they are animate or inanimate ; whether, agreeably t
the opinion of the Atheists, they were fortuitous
aggregated, or as the Theifts maintain, were arrange
by a fupreme intelligence.! Whether in fact the eart
be an infenfate clod, or whether it be animated by
foul ; £ which opinion was ftrenuoufly maintained by
hoft of philofophers, at the head of whom (lands th
great Plato, that temperate fage, who threw the col
water of philofophy on the the form of fexual intei

* Tim."Locr. ap. Plato, t. 3. p. 90.

f Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. 2. cap. 6. Arittoph. Metaph. lib.
cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin Mart. orat.i
gent. p. SO.

% Mosbeim in Cud\r. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anira. mnnd. o
Plat. lib. 3. Mem. da 1'aoad. des Belies Lettr. U 32, p. 19, et al

NEW-YORK. 15

and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love—
liGtely refined intercourse, but much better
to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary ifland
itis, than to the fturdy race, compofed of re-

flefhand blood, which populates the little
f fact ifland we inhabit.
>s thefe fyftems, we have moreover the poeti-
jeny of old Hefiod, who generated the whole
: in the regular mode of procreation, and the

opinion of others, that the earth was hatch-
the great egg of night, which floated in chaos,
» cracked by the homs of the celeftial bull*
rate this lad doctrine, Burnet in his theory
rth,f has favoured us with an accurate draw-
defcription, both of the form and texture of
idaneegg; which is found to bear a marvel*
ambiance to that of a goofe. Such of my
is take a proper intereft in the origin of this
let, will be pleafed to learn, that themoft
I fages of antiquity, among the Egyptians,
as, Ferfians, Greeks and Latins, have alternate-
i at the hatching of this ftrange bird, and that
cklings have been caught, and continued in

tones apd inflections, from philofopher to
her, unto the prefent day.
while briefly noticing long celebrated fyftems
;nt fages, let me not pafs over with neglect,

f Book i. ch.JS*

14 HISTORY 0*

thofe of other pbilofophers ; which though Iefs ufl
veifal and renowned, have equal claims to attentiai
and equal chance for correctnefs. Thus it is record^
by the Brahmins, in the pages of their infpired Shaft*]
that the angel Biftnoo transforming hinrfelf into
great boar, plunged into the watery abyfs, and broug]
up the earth on his tufks. Then ifiued from him
mighty tortoife, and a mighty fnake; and Biftnc
placed the fnake erect upon the back of the tortoU
and he placed the eaxth upon the head of the fnake/

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that t]
* world was made by the hands of angels, excepts
their own country, which the Supreme Being coi
ftructed himfelf, that it might be fupremely exceUen
And he took great pains with the inhabitants, and mat:
them very black, and beautiful ; and when he hi
finifhed the firft man, he was well pleafed with hill
and fmoothed him over the face, and hence his no
and the nofe of all his descendants became flat.

The Mohawk pbilofophers tell us that a pregnai
woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortot
took her upon its back, becaufe every place was core
ad with water; and that the woman, fitting upc
the tortoife, paddled with her hands in the wate
and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened thi
die earth became higher than the water, f

* Holwell. Gent. Philosophy.

f Johannes Megapolensis, jun. Account of Maquaas or Mi
ljawk Indiaote. 1644.

NBW-Y08K* 15

I forbear to quote a imriber move of thefe an*
and outlandifh philofophers, whofe deplorable
nee, in defpite of all their erudition, compelled

write in languages which but few of my readers
derftand ; and I fliall proceed briefly to notice
nore intelligible and fafliionable theories of their
n fuccefibrs.

1 firft I {hall mention the great Bnfibn, who
tures that this globe was originally a globe of
fire, fcintillated from the body of the fun, by
rcuffion of a comet, as afpark is generated by
Uifion of flint and fteel. That at firft it was fur-
«d by grofs vapours, Which cooling and con-
g in procefs of time, confthuted, according to
lenfities, earth, water and air ; which gradually
ed themfelves, according to their refpective gra-
round the burning or vitrified mais, that formed
entre.

ton, on the contrary, fuppofea that the waters
were univerfally paramount; and he terrifies
f with the idea that the earth muft be eventu-
'afhed away, by the force of ram, rivers and
ain torrents, until it is confounded with the
or in other words, abfolutely diflblves into it-
Sublime idea! far furpaffing that of the tender-
d damfel of antiquity, who wept herfelf into a
in; or the good dame df Narbonne in France,
for a volubility of tongue unufual in her fex,
»med to peel five hundred thoufand and thirty-

:. i.

1C MlSTeRY OF

nine ropes of onions, and actually ran out at her eye
before half the hideous talk was accomplished.

Whifton, the fame ingenious philofopher who i
railed Ditton in his refearches after the longitud
(for which the mifchief-loving Swift difcharged c
their heads a moft favoury ftanza) has diftinguifl
ed himfelf by a very admirable theory refpecting tl
earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chaot
comet, which being felected for the abode of man, w;
removed from its eccentric orbit, and whirled rour
the fun in its prefent regular motion; by which chanj
of direction, order fucceeded to confufion in the a
rangement of its component parts. The philofophi
adds, that the deluge was produced by an uncourteQi
falute from the watery tail of another comet ; doub
lefs through fheer envy of its improved condition
thus furnifhing a melancholy proof that jealoufy ma
prevail, even among the heavenly bodies, and difcor
interrupt that celeftial harmony of the fpheres, fo me
lodioufly fung by the poets.

But I pafs over a variety of excellent theories
among which are thofe of Burnet, and Woodwarc
and Whjtehurft \ regretting extremely that my tin)
will not fuffer me to give them the notice they dc
ferve — And (hall conclude with that of the renowne
Dr. Darwin. This learned Theban, who is as mud
diftinguiihed fqr rhyme as reafon, and for good na
tured credulity as ferious refearch, and who has*re
commended' himfelf wonderfully to the good grace

NEW-YOEK. 17

of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries,
amours, debaucheries, and other topics of fcandal of
the court of Flora; has fallen upon a theory worthy
of his combuftible imagination. According to his
opinion, the huge mafs of chaos took a fudden occa*
fion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in
that act exploded the fun — which in its flight, by a
fimilar convulfion, exploded the earth — which in like
guife exploded the moon — and thus by a concatenation
of explofions, the whole folar fyftem was produced,
and fet mod fyftematically in motion!*

By the great variety of theories here alluded to,
every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be
.found furprifingly confident in all its parts; my un-
learned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that
the creation of a world is not lb difficult a talk as they
at firft imagined. I have (hown at leaft a fcore of
ingenious methods in which a world could be coo*
ftructed ; and I have no doubt, that had any of the
philosopher's above quoted, the ufe of a good manage-
able comet, and the philofbphical ware-houfe chaos at
his command, he would engage to manufacture a planet
as good, or if you would take his word for it, better
than this we inhabit.

And here I cannot help noticing the kindnefs of
providence, in creating comets for the great relief of
bewildered philofophers. By their affiftance more

* Prw. Bot. Garden. Part I. C»nt. i.l. 105.

13 1118 T OK Y OF

faklcn evolutions and tranfitiona are affected in thqj
fyftem of nature, than are wrought in a pantomiming
exhibition* by the wonder-working fword of Hailtfj
quia. Should one of our modern fages, in his thefrj
retical flights among the ftars, ever find himfelf loft
in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into th%
abyfs of nonfenfe and abfurdity, he has but to feize 4
cpmet by the beard, mount aftride of iu tail, and away
he gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hjp?
pogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomltick*
" to fweep the cobwebs out of the iky."

It is an old and vulgar saying, about a " beggar on
horfe back," which I would not for the world haw
applied to thefc reverend phik>fophers$ but I muft,
confefs, that fonoe of them, when they are mounted
*n one of thofe fiery deeds, are as wild in their cur*
settings as was Phaeton of yore, when he afpired to
manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet
at full fpeed againft the fun, and knocks the world
out of htm with the mighty concuflion; another
more moderate, makes his comet a kind of beatt of
burden, carrying the fun a regular fupply of food and
faggots-^-a third, of more combuftible difpofitioa,
threatens to throw his comet, like a bombfliell into
the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine;
while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet,
and its inhabitants, infinuates that fome day or other,
his comet — my modeft pen blufhes while I write it—
(hall abfolulely turn tail upon our world and deluge

K£W-Y0*1C. 1*

it with water !— Surely, as I have already obferved*
comets were bountifully provided by providence for
the benefit of philofophers, to affift them in maun*
factoring theories.

And now, having adduced feveral of the rooft pro*
minent theories, that occur to my recollection, I leave
my judicious readers at full liberty to choofe among
them. They are all ferious fpeculations of learned
men — all differ eflentially from each other — and all
have the fame title to belief. It has ever been the
tafk of one race of philofophers to demolish the works
of their predeceflbrs, and elevate more fplendid fan- ,
tafies in their (lead, which in their turn are demolifhed
and replaced by the air caftles of a fucceeding genera*
tion. Thus it would feem that knowledge and genius,
of which we make luch great parade, confift but in
detecting the errors and abfurdities of thofe who have
gone before, and devifing new errors and abfurdities,
to be detected by thofe who are to come after us.
Theories are the mighty foap bubbles, with which the
grown up children of fcience amufe themfelves — while
the honeft vulgar (land gazing in ftupid admiration,
and dignify thefe learned vagaries with the name of
wifdom!— Surely Socrates was right in his opinion,
that philofophers are but a foberer fort of madmen,
bufying themfelves in things totally incomprehenfible,
or which, if they could be comprehended, would be
found not worthy the trouble of difcovery.

£0 HISTORY OF

For my own part, until the learned have come M
an agreement among themfelves, I (hall content my
fetf with the account handed down to us by Mofet
in which I do but follow the example of our ingq
nkma neighbours of Connecticut ; who at their fir£
fettlement proclaimed, that the colony fliould be goi
▼eraed by die laws of God— until they had time U
make better.

One thing however appears certain— from thi
unanimous authority of the before quoted phtkrfo
pliers, fupported by the evidence of our own fenfet
, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be ca»
tkrofly admitted as additional teftimony,) it appears, J
fay, and I make the afiertion deliberately, withotr
fear of contradiction, that this globe really was *r*
ated % and that it is compofed of land and wattr. £
further appears that it is curioufly divided and par-
celled out into continents and iflands, among whid
I boldly declare the renowned Island of new-torKj
will be found by anyone who feeks for it in its propel
place.

*£W»Y0IUC. ' M

CHAP. III.

B*x> that famous navigator* JVWfc, was shame*
fulty nick-named; and how he committed an u»-
yardonabU oversiglit in not having four sons.
With the great trouble of philasoplters caused
thereby, and the discovery of America.

Noah, who is the firft fea-faring man we read
of, begat three font, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Au-
thors it is true are not wanting, who affirm that the
pttriarch had a number of other children. Thus
Beroftis makes him father of the gigantic Titans,
Methodius gives him a fon called Jonithus, or Joni-
C8S, (who was the firft inventor of Johnny cakes,)
»ad others have mentioned a fon, named Thuifcon,
horn whom defcended the Teutons or Teutonic, or
k other words, the Dutch nation.

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan
Will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiofity
of my readers, by inveftigating minutely the hiftory
<rf the great Noah. Indeed fuch an undertaking
*ou1d be attended with more trouble than many peo-
ple would imagine; for the good old Patriarch feems
to have been a* great traveller in his day, and to have
paffed under a different name in every country that
ke vifited. The Chaldeans for inftance give us his
ftory , merely altering his name into Xifuthrus— a

83 HISTORY OF

trivial alteration, which, to an hiftorian dulled in et
mologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It appeal
likewife, that he had exchanged his tarpawlin and qu
drant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous infiga
of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their anoa!
The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Ofiri
the Indians as Menu; the Greek and Roman write
confound him with Ogyges, and the Thebati wi
Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinefe, who deft
vedly rank among the moft extenfive and anthem
hiftorians, inafmuch as they have known the wfctf
much longer than any one elfe, declare that Net
was no other than Fohi; and what gives this aflettk
fome air of credibility is, that it is a r fact, adttrittc
by the moft enlightened literati, that Noah travelk
into China, at the time of the building of the tow
of Babel (probably to improve himfelf in the ftudy <
languages) and the learned Dr. Shackford gives us ti
additional information,that the ark refted on a mountai
on the frontiers of China.

From this mafs of rational conjectures and fag
hypothefes, many fatisfactory deductions might 1
drawn; but 1 (hall content myfelf with the fimpl
fact ftated in the Bible, viz. that*Noah begat tbn
fons, Shem, Ham and Japhet It is aftonifhing a
what remote and obfeure contingencies. the great rai
fairs of this world depends, and how events the ma
diftant and to the common obferver unconnected, as
inevitably confequent the one to the other. It remain

NEW-YOttK. 2ft

fetbephilofopher to dif cover thefe myfterious affinities,
■d k is the proudeft triumph of his fkill, to detect and
forth fome latent chain of caufation, which at firft
appears a paradox to the inexperienced obferver*
ftus many of my readers will doubtlefs wonder,
Mbt connection the family of Noah can poflibly have
wh this hiftory — and many will flare when informed,
4* the whole: hiftory of this quarter of the world has
taken its character and courfe, from the fimple circums-
tance of the patriarch's having but three fons— but
fr explain.

Noah, we are told by fundry vej^gredlble hiftori-
Jus, becoming fole furviving heir and proprietor of the
tab* in fee fimple, after the deluge, like a good father
Portioned out his eftate among his children. To Shem
le gave Afia, to Ham, Africa, and to Japhet, Europe.
Sow it ka thoufand times to be lamented that he had
tat three ions, for had there been a fourth, he would
loubtlefs have inherited America; which of courfe
rouM have been dragged forth from its obfcurity on
beocoafion ; and thus many a hard working hiftorian
Adpkilofopher, would have been fpared a prodigious
ftafs of weary conjecture, refpecting the firft difcovery
od population of this country. Noah, however,
laving provided for his three fons, looked in all pro-
bability, upon our country as mere wild unfettled
ind, and faid nothing about it, and to this unpardon-
Ue taciturnity of the Patriarch may we afcrihe

M HISTORY OF

the misfortune, that America did not c
world, as early as the other quarters of 1
It is true, fome writers have vindicai
this mifconduct towards pofterity, and
he really did difcover America. Thu
opinion of Mark Lefcarbot, a French wi
of that ponderoGty of thought, and pr
reflection, so peculiar to his nation, tl
diate defcendants of Noah peopled this <
globe, and that the old patriarch himf
retained a pafBon for the fea-faring life,
ed the tranfmjgBfcion. The pious and
father Charlevoix, a French Jefuit, re
his averfion to the marvellous, coi
great travellers, is conclufively of th
iqq; nay, he goes ft ill further, and dec
manner in which the difcovery .was ef
was by fea, and under the immediate dii
great Noah. " I have already obferv
the good father in a tone of becoming
" that it is an arbitrary fuppofition th
children of Noah were not able to pen*
new world, or that they never though
effect, I can fee no reafon that can j
notion. ■ Who can ferioufly believe, th
his immediate defcendants knew lefs tha
that the builder and pilot of the gres
ever was, a {hip which was formed to t
bounded ocean, and had fo many flioa

NEW-YORK %9

guard againft, (hould be ignorant of, or
lot have communicated to his defendants
f failing on the ocean?" Therefore they did
he ocean — therefore they failed to Amer-
efore America was difcovered by Noah!
all this exquiiite chain of reafoning, which
ikingly characteriftic of the good father,
drefied to the faith, rather than the under-

is flatly oppofed by Hans de Laet, who
it a real and mod ridiculous paradox, to
hat Noah ever entertained the thought of dis-

America \ and as Hans is a Dutch writer,
ined to. believe he muft have been much better
ed with the worthy crew of the ark than his
ors, and of courle poflefled of more accurate
f information. It is aftonifhing how intimate
s do daily become with the patriarchs and
•at men of antiquity. As intimacy improves
e, and as the learned are particularly inquifi-
familiar in their acquaintance with the an*
(hould not be furprifed* if fome future writers
ravely give us a picture of men and manners
jxifted before the flood, far more copious and

than the Bible ; and that, in the courfe of
century, the log book of the good Noah (hould
rrent among hiftorians, as the voyages of Cap-
•k, orthe renowned hiftory of Robinfon Crufoe.
1 not occupy my time by difcuffing the huge
additional fuppofitions, conjectures and pro-

26 HISTORY OY

babilities refpecting the firft difoovery of this co
with which unhappy hiftorians everioad them
in their endeavours to fatisfy the doubts of an
dulous world. It is painful to fee thefe lab
wights panting and toiling, and fwealing urn
enormous burden, art the very outfet of. their i
which on being opened, turns out to be nothii
a mighty bundle of ftraw. As, however, by u
tied afliduity, they feem to have eftablifhed th
to the fatisfaction of all the world, that this c
has been difcovered, I fhall avail myfelf of their
labours to be extremely brief upon this point.

I {hall not therefore flop to inquire, whether
rica was firft difcovered by a wandering vel
that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, accordi
Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa ; or by thai
thaginian expedition, which Pliny, the naturtli
forms us, difcovered the Canary Iflands ; or w]
it was fettled by a temporary colony from Ty
hinted by Ariftotle and Seneca. I fhall neitb
quire whether it was firft difcovered by the CI
as Voflius with great fhrewdnefs advances, n
the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn; nor b
hem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has t
voured to prove to the S^avans of die learned c
Philadelphia.

Nor fhall I investigate the more modern clai
the Welfh, founded on the voyage of Prince ft
in the eleventh century, who having never reti

fctefiAfe befell wifelr confeludted that he muft have
frt,to Ariittic* a* 1 * 1 that for a plain reafon— if he
fit not go * iere ' w ^ fe e *fe COuld he have gone ? —
jvwj^ttDh winch itifcft Sdctttitally flints out all fur-
jerdifpute.

laying afide, thtffefbf e, all the conjectufefe above
ttfctioned, with a iftuhitude of others, equally fatia-
[k&tji I (hall take f^ gtfetited, the vulgar opinion,
Art Abieftea was difcovetedon the 12th of October,
1408, by ChriftoVfcUo ColOfi, a G*noefe, who hat
ken clumfily iiifck-nafned Cblumbua, but for what
[ reafon I cannot diffcern. Of the vbyages and adven*
ttfres of this Coloii, t (hall (ay nothing, feeing that
they ate already fufficiehtly known. Nor fliall I un-
dertake to prove that this country (fcould have been
called Colonia, after his name, that being notorioufly*
fclf evident.

Having thus happily got my readers <yi this fide of
.the Atlantic, I picture diem to myfelf, all impatience
to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promife,
and in full expectation that I will immediately deliver
it into their poffeffion. But if I do, may I ever for-
feit the reputation of a regular bred hiftorian. No —

no moil curious and thrice learned readers, (for

thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that has gone
before, and nine times learned (hall ye be, if ye read
that comes after,) we have yet a world of work be-
fine us. Think you the firft difcoverers of this fair
quarter of the globe, had nothing to do but go on
vol* i. 5

28 *ISTOBT 0*

fhore and find a country read; laid out and cultivated
like a garden, wherein they might ** ve i at t h e j r ea f e j
No fuch thing — they had forefts to cut *^ wn under-
wood to grub up, marihes to drain, and fe***eg to
exterminate.

4

In like manner, I have fundry doubts to clear away,
queftions to refolve, and paradoxes to explain, before
I permit you to range at random \ but thefe difficul-
ties, once overcome, we (hall be enabled to jog on
right merrily through the reft of our hiftory. Thus
my work (hall, in a manner, echo the nature of the
fubject, in the fame manner as the found of poetry
has been found by certain (hrewd critics, to echo the
fenfe— ~ this being an improvement in hiftory, which I
cbim the merit of having invented.

i\

)

NBW-TORK. £9

CHAP. IV.

Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had
in peopling America — And how the Aborigines
r*[ came to be begotten by accident — to the great re-
Uef and satisfaction of the Author.

The next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular
courfe of our hiftory, is to afcertain, if poffible, how
this country was originally peopled ; a point fruitful
of incredible embarraflments ; for unlefs we prove
that the Aborigines did abfolutely come from fomo
where, it will be immediately aflerted in this age of
fcepticifm, that they did not come at all | and if they
did not come at all, then was this country never po*
pulated — a conclufion perfectly agreeable to the rules
of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of
humanity, inafmuch as it mud fyllogiftically prove
fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous
region.

To avert fo dire a fophifm, and to refcue from
logical annihilation fo many millions of fellow crea-
tures, how many wings of geefe have been plunder-
ed! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drain-
ed! and how many capacious heads of learned hifto-
rfens have been addled and for ever confounded ! I
paufe with reverential awe, when I contemplate, the
ponderous tomes in different languages, with which

oQ HI8TQBT OF

they have endeavoured to folve this queftion, fo im-
portant to the happinefe of fociety, but fo involved l
in clouds of impenetrable obfeurity. Hiftorian after 3
hiftorian has engaged in the endlefs circle of hypo* : ' ;
thetical argument, and after leading us a weary qhace r
through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us oat at *
the end of his work, juft as wife as we were ?t the *
beginning. It was doubtlefs fome philofophical wild :
goofe chace of the kind, that made the old poet Ma- ]
crobius rail in fuch a paflion at curiofity, which be ;
anathematizes mod heartily, as " an irkfome ago*
nizing care, a iuperftitious induftry about unpxofita*
ble things, an itching humour to fee what is not to be
feen, and to be doing wh^t Cgnifies nothing when it i|
dpne." But to proceed :

* Of the claims of the children of Noah to the ori-
ginal population of this country I (hall fay nothing,
as they have already been touched upon in my laft
chapter. The claimants pext in celebrity, are the d$-
fcendants of Abraham. Thus Chriftoval Colon (vul-
garly called Columbus) when he firft discovered the
gold mines of Hifpaniola immediately concluded, with
a fhrewdnefs that would have done honour to a phi-
lofqpher, that he liad found the anient Ophir, from
whence Solomon procured the gold for embellishing
the temple at Jerufalem ;. nay, Colon even imagined
that he faw the remains of furnaces of veritable He-
braic contortion, employed in refining the precious
ore.

frEW-YO*X. 31

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with fucli faf-
tinating extravagance, was too tempting not to be
immediately fnapped at by the gudgeons of learning,
and accordingly! there were divers profound writers,
ready to fwear to its correctnefs, and to bring in their
ufual load of authorities, and wife furmifes, where-
withal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertas Stephens
declared nothing could be more clear — Arius Mon-
tanus without the lead hefitation, afferts that Mexico
was die true Ophir, and the Jews the early fet tiers of
die country. While Poflevin, Becan, and feveral
other (agacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of
die fourth book of Efdras, which being inferted in
die mighty hypothec's, like the key ftone of an arch,
gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability.

Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly
faperftructure, dxan in trudges a phalanx of oppofite
authors, with Hans de Laet the great Dutchman at
their head, and at one blow, tumbles the whole fabric
about their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright
all the IfraelitHh claims to the firft fettlement of this
country, attributing all thofe equivocal fymptoms, and
traces of Ghriftianity and Judaifm, which have been
laid to be found in divers provinces of the new world,
to the Devi/ 9 who has always affected to counterfeit
die worfliip of the true Deity. " A remark/ 9 fays
the knowing old Padre d'Acofta, " made by "all good
wthors who have fpoken of the religion of nations

5 *

32 HISTORY OF

newly difcorered, aad founded befides on the auftk^
rity of the fathers of tbt church."

Some writers again* among whom it i* wUh gftFP
regret I am compelled to mention Lopesi de Qo&u0k
and Juan de Leri, infmuate that the Canasutyteea, taifltfl
driven from the land of promife by the Jews* w4N
feized with fuch a panic that they fled without locfev
tog behind them, until ftppping to take breath, th*f
found themfelves fafe in America. As they brought!
neither their national language, manners, nop feature*
with them, it is fuppofed they left them behind, i? thft
hurry of their flight, — I cannot giver my faith tath*
opinion.

I pafs oyer the fuppofition of the learned Grotras,
who being both an ambafiador and a Dutchman to
hoot, is entitled to great refpect*, that North. Ame-
rica wa$ peopled by a (trolling company of Norw*i
gians, and that Peru was founded by a colony faxn
China — Manco or Mungo Capac, the fixft Iticaa, be»
ing himTelf a Chinefe. Nor mall I more than barelj
rnention, that father Kitcher afcribes. the fettlemenl
qf America to the Egyptians, Iktdbeck to the Scan-
dinavians, Charron to the Gaul*, Juffredus Petri to s
fkaiting par.ty from Friei)and> MJlius t<* the Celtic
Marinocus the, Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte tc
the Phoenicians, Poftel to the Moors, Martyn d?An
gjeria to the Abyffinians, together with the fage fur
mife of De Laet, that England, Ireland and the Or
cades may contend for that honour.

Rigrte die beathfeniih afiertioo of FaraceJfnt, that
fcemfphete of the globe was originally fwnilhed
an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opio*
of Dr. Romayne, fupported by many namefeik
mties, that Adam waa of the Indian race — or the
tog conjecture of Buffbn, Helvetius, and Dar-
(b highly: honourable to mankind, that the whole
in fpeciea is accidentally descended from a ie-
able family of monkies !

lis hft conjecture, 1 muft own, came upon me
fuddenly and wry nngracioafly. 1 have often
kd the clown in a pantomime, while gazing in
d wa nde r at the extravagant gambok of a harie-
, all at once electrified by a fudden ftroke of the
ien fwotd acrofs his flioulders. Little did I think
ch times, that it would ever fall to my lot to be
ed with, equal difcourtefy, and that while I was.

3* BISTOKY OF

ent methods by which they tranfported the defceri
ants of thefe ancient and refpectable monkeys, to d
great field of theoretical warfare.

This was done either by migrations by land or trail
migrations by water. Thus Padre Jofeph JXAcofl
enumerates three paffages by land, firft by the nord
of Europe, fecondly by the north of Afia, and thirdlj
by regions fouthward of the ftraits of Magellan. Th
learned Grotius marches his Norwegians by a plea«
fant route acrofs frozen rivers and arms of the fea>
through Iceland, Greenland, Eftotiland and Narem-
berga. And various writers, among whom are An-
gleria, De Hornn and BufFon, anxious for the accom-
modation of thefe travellers, have faftened the twc
continents together by a ftrong chain of deductions—
by which means they could pafs over dry (hod. Bui
(hould even this fail, Pinkerton, that induftrious old
gentleman, who compiles books, and manufacture*
Geographies, has conftructed a natural bridge of ice,
from continent to continent, at the diftance of foul
or five miles from Behring's ftraits — for which he it
entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wandering
aborigines who ever did, or ever will pafs over it.

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the
worthy writers above quoted, could ever commence
his work, without immediately declaring hoftilities
againft every writer who had treated of the fame fub-
ject. In this particular, authors may be compared to
a certain fagacious bird, which in building its neft,

' NEW-TOM*. £0

fure to pull to pieces the nefts of all the birds in its
ighbottrhood. This unhappy propenfity tends griev*
fly to impede the progrefs of found knowledge,
^eories are atbeft but brittle productions, andwhea
ice committed to the ftream, they mould take care
at like the potable pots which were fellow voyagers,
*j do not crack each other.
For my part, when J beheld the fages I hare quot-
d gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and
fcourfing thus wifely about matters forever hidden
om their eyes, like a blind man defcribing the glorief
: light, and the beauty and harmony of colours, I
11 back in aftonifhment at the amazing extent of
irn^n ingenuity.

If— -cried I to myfelf, thefe learned men can weav*
hole fyftems out of pothing, what would be their
ttductions were they furniihed with fubftantial mar
rials~if they can argue and difpute thus ingenioufly
lout fubjects beyond their knowledge, what would
* the profundity of their obfervations, did they but
low what they were talking about I Should old Rha*
lOMnthus, when he comes to decide upon their con*,
net while on earth, have the lead idea of the ufeful-
th of their labours, he will undoubtedly clafs them
ith thefe notorious wife men of Gotham, who
diked a bull, twitted a rope of fand, and wove a
ajvet purfe from a fow's ear.
My chief furprife is, that among the many writers
have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that

SS HISTORY 07

this country was peopled from the moon — o
the flrft inhabitants floated hither on iflands i
as white bears cruize about the northern oo
or that tfpy were conveyed hither by balloons, m
ern aeronauts pais from Dover to Calais — or by
craft, as Simon Magus potted among the fta
after the sianner of the renowned Scythian 1
who like die New-England witches on full-b
broomftick8, made moft unheard of journeys c
back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hy
irean Apollo.

But there is ftill one mode left by whicl
country could have been peopled, which I ha
referved for the latt, becaufe I confider it wc
the rest, it is — by accident! Speaking of the
of Solomon, New-Guinea, and New-Hollan<
profound father Charlevoix obferves, " in fir
thefe countries are peopled, and /'/ is possible^
have been fo by accident. Now if it could have hi
ed in that manner, why might it not have been
same time, and by the same means, with the otha
of the globe ?" This ingenious mode of dec
certain conclufions from poflible premifes, is s
provement in fyllogiftic fkill, and proves the
father fuperior even to Archimedes, for he caj
the world without any thing to reft his lever
It is only furpafled by the dexterity with whic
fturdy old Jefuit, in another place, cuts the g<
kuot-— " Nothing" fays he, « is more eafy.

of both hemispheres are certainly the de-
of the fame father, The common father
mkind, received an exprefs order from Heaven,
people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled* %
bring this about, it was neceflary to overcome all
in the way, and they have also been overcome f 9
Logician ! How does he put all the herd of la*
theorifts to the blu(h, by explaining in five
what it has coft them volumes to prove they
*"*hing about !
iley havci on g j^^ picking at the lock, and fret-
at the latch, v,«. fa e honeft father at once unlocks
door by burfting it o^ n% an a w h en he has it once
l*pr, he is at full liberty to p^, r i n as man y nations
he pleafes. This proves to a dfc*> nftration that
• little piety is better than a cart load oi philofophy,
tol is a practical illuftration of that fcriptural pro*
life—" By faith ye (hall move mountains."
From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety
f others which I have confulted, but which are
lotted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned rea*
Br— I can only draw the following conclufions, which
drily however, are fufficient for my purpofe — Firft,
hat this part of the world has actually been peopled
}; E. D.) to fupport which, we have living proofs in
le numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Se-
indly, That it has been peopled in five hundred
fierent ways, as proved by a cloud of authors, who
om the pofitivenefs of their affertions feem to have

38 HISTOBY •*

#

been eye-wirtefles to the irtt>— Thirdly, tbat the jfl
pie of this country had 3 Variety of father* f wfaidM
it may dot be thought dutch to their credit by tikt mk
tnonrun of readers, the left We fay on the foh^wfcdj
better. The queftion therefore,. I truft, is fotererl
reft.

NBW-YOBK. 39

t CHAP. V.

mmwbkh the JLutlwv puis a. mighty Question to the
k< rout, by I he assistance of the Man in the Moon —
\ which not only delivers tliousands o/fcopU/ram

great embarrassment, but likewise concludes

this introductory book.

The writer of a hiftory may, in fome refpects,
be likened unto an adventurous knight, who having
undertaken a perilous enterprize, by way of eftabllfh-
ing his fame, feels bound in honour and chivalry, to
turn back for no difficulty nor hardfhip, and uever to
flmnk or quail whatever enemy he may encounter. Un-
der this impreflion, I refolutely draw my pen and fall
to with might and main, at thofe doughty queftions
and fubtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons and
bloody giants, befet the entrance to my hiftory, and
would fain repulfe me from the very threihold. And
at this moment a gigantic queftion has flatted up,
which I mull needs take by the beard and utterly fub-
due, before I can advance another ftejp in my hiftoric
undertaking — but I truft this will be the laft advetfary
I (hall have to contend with, and that in the next book
I (hall be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph
into the body of my work.

The queftion which has thus fuddenly arifen, is,
what right had the firft difcoverers of America to

vol. i. 6

*0 HISTORY Of

*

land and take pofleffion of a country, without firi
gaining the confent of its inhabitants, or yielding thcp
an adequate compenfation for their territory? — aqua
tkm winch has withftood many fierce aflaults, and In
given much diftrefs of mind to multitudes of kinf
hearted folk. And indeed, until it be totally v*ft
quifhed, and put to reft, the worthy people of Am©
rica can by no means enjoy the foil they inhabit, wM
clear right and title, and quiet, unf uilied continences

The firft fource of right, by which property is ac
quired in a country, is discovery. For as all maft
kind have an equal right to any thing, which hai
never before been appropriated, fo any nation, tha
difcovers an uninhabited country, and takes poffeffioi
thereof, is confidered as enjoying full property, aiw
abfolute, unqueftionable empire therein.*

This propofition being admitted, it follows clearly
that the Europeans who firft vifited America, wen
the real difcoverers of the fame; nothing being ne
cefiary to the eftablifhment of this fact, but fimplyfi
prove that it was totally uninhabited by mart. Tfcii
would at firft appear to be a point of fome difficulty
for it is well known, that this quarter of the woric
abounded with certain annuals, that walked erect Of
two feet, had fomething of the human countenance
uttered certain unintelligible founds, very much fib
language, in (hort, had a marvellous refemblance' tc

* Grotius. Paffendorf, b. 5. c. 4. Vattel, !•• \ c. 18, &c.

XEW-TOBK. 41

beings. But the zealous and enlightened fa*
ers, who accompanied the difcoveiers, for the pur-
fe of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by efta-
KLing fat monafteries and bifhoprics on earth, foon
eared up this point, greatly to the fatisfaction of his
iGneis the pope, and of all Chriftian voyagers and
fcoverers.

They plainly proved, and as there were no Indian
liters arofe on the other fide, die fact was confider-
L as fully admitted and eftablifhed, that the two
gged race of animals before mentioned, were mere
innibals, deteftable monfters, and many of them gi-
lts — which laft defcription of vagrants have, fince
e times of Gog, Magog, and Goliath, been confi-
jred as outlaws, and have received no quarter in
ther hiftory, chivalry or fong. Indeed, even the phi-
fophic Bacon, declared the Americans to be people
(ofcribed by the laws of nature, inafmuch as they
id a barbarous cuftom of facrificing men, and feed-
ig upon man's flefh.

.Nor are thefe all the proofs of their utter barbar-
in: among many other writers of difcernment, Ulloa
ills us « their imbecility is fo vifible, that one can
axdly form an idea of them different from what one
as of the brutes. Nothing difturbs the tranquillity of
brir fouls, equally infenfible to difafters, and to pros-
erity. Though half naked, they are as contented as a
sonarch in his mod fplendid array. Fear makes no
mpreffion on them, and refpect as little/' — All this

42 1IIST0HY OF'

is furthermore fupported by the authority of M
guer. " It is not eafy," fays he, " to defcrft
degree of their indifference for wealth and all i
vantages. One does nbt well know what moti
propofe to them when ofie would perfuade th
any fervice. It is vain to offer them money, th
fvver that they are not hungry." And Vanegai
firms the whole, afluring u$ that " ambitior
have none, arid aire more defirous of being tl
ftrong than valiant. The objects of ambition
us> hondtifr, fame, reputation, riches, polls, and d
tions are Unknown among them. So that this j
ful fpring of action, the caufe of fo much s
good apd rial evil in the" world has* no powe
them* In a word, thefe unhappy mortals m
compared to children, in whom the developem
reafon is not completed."

Now" alhthefe peculiarities, although in the
lightened dates of Greece, they would have ei
their pofleflbrs to immortal honour, as having, re
to practice thofe rigid and abftemious maxim
mere talking about whifch, acquired certain old C
the reputation of fegfcs and philofophers ; — yel
they clearly prbved in the prefent inftance, to be
a mod abject and bf utlfied natute, totally benea
humafc character. But the benevolent fathers
had undertaken to turn thefe unhappy favage;
dumb beafts, by dint of afgUnient, advance*
fttbriger proofs 5 for as certain diviirts of the fixl

KEW-YOBK. 43

century, and among the reft Lullus affirm — the Ame-
ricans go naked, and have no beards ! — " They hare
nothing," fays Lullus, " of the reafonable animal,
except the mafk." — And even that mafk was allowed
to avail them but little, for it was foon found that
they were of a hideous copper complexion — and be-
ing of a copper complexion, it was all the fame as if
they were negroes — and negroes are black, " and
black," (aid the pious fathers, devoutly eroding them-
felves " is the colour of the Devil !" Therefore, fo far
from being able to own property, they had no right
even to perfonal freedom, for liberty is too radiant a
deity, to inhabit fuch gloomy temples. All which cir-
cumftances plainly convinced the righteous followers
of Cortes and Pizarro, that thefe mifcreants had no
title to the foil that they infefted — that they were a
perverfe, illiterate, dumb, beardlefs, blacl-seed — mere
wild beafts of the forefts, and like them fliould either
be fubdued or exterminated.

From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a
variety of others equally conclufive, which I forbear
to enumerate, it was clearly evident that this fair
quarter of the globe when firft vifited by Europeans,
was a howling wildernefs, inhabited by nothing but
wild beafts; and that the transatlantic vifitors acquir-
ed an incontrovertible property therein, by the right
of discovery.

This right being fully efbblifhed, we now come
to the next ; which is the right acquired by cultivation.

ifc JUSTOBT OF

« The ealtivstuJn of the foil," wd art tfcM, * itf
« obligation impofed by nature on rriaiikmd. 1
« whole world is appointed for the n6uri(hment of
« inhabitants: but it WouM W incapable of doing
". Was it uncultivated. Every nation is then 6Ui
« by the law of nature tfo cultivate the ground {

* has fallen to its mare. Thofe r3eo^le, like the 1
" cient Germans and modern Tartars* -tohti, ha4

* fertile countries, difdain to cultivate the e&ith*
« choofe to live by rapine, ate wanting to themfel 4
€( and deserve to be exterminated as savage and pertik
** beasts**

Now it is notorious, that the favages knew Had
of agriculture, when flrft diffcovered by the Ei
peans, but lived a moft vagabond, diforderty, uririj
eous life* — rambling from place to place, and pr
gaily rioting upon the fporitarteous luxuries of ftet
\Vknout tafking her generofity to yield them any tl
more; whereas it has been moft Unqireftionabfy (ho
that heaven intended the earth mould be ploughed
fown, and manured, and laid out into cities,
towns, and farms, and country feats, and plea J
grounds, and public gardens, all which the Ind
knew nothing about — therefore they did not imp!
the talents providence had bellowed on them — th
fore they were carelefs ftewards — therefore they

* V»ttel«— B. i. ch. 17. Sie likewise Grot us, Puffendorf, I

KBW-TOIIK, ±5

to right to the foil — therefore they deferved to be e»-
fcfntotiated*

Ik i» flrtie Ate favages might plead that they drew
A the benefits from the land which their fimple wants
I |*pufe&-»they found plenty of game to hunt, which*
t | together with the 1 roots and uncultivated fruits of the
aft, ftimi&ed a fufficient variety for their frugal
rcpafts;— and that as heaven merely defigned the earth
& form the abode, and fatisfy the wants of man; fo
tog as thofe purpofes were anfwcred, the will of
heaven was aeeompliflied. — But this only proves how
tikfefefviffg they were of the bleflings around them—
ley wete fo much the more favages, for not having
. j) ftdre wants ; for knowledge is in fome degree an in*
dteafe of defires* and it is this fuperiority both in
Ae number and magnitude of his defires, that diftin-
gtffftea the man from the bead. Therefore the In-
dians, in not having more wants, were very unrea-
fetable animals 5 and it was but juft that they thould
take way for the Europeans* who had a thoufand
wants to their one, and therefore would turn the
earth to more -account, and by cultivating it, more
Italy fulfil the will of heaven. Befides — Grotius and
Luterbach, and Puffendorff, and Titius, and many
wife men befide, who have confidered the matter
properly, have determined, that the property of a
country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood,
or drawing water in it— nothing but precife demarca-
tion of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can

40 HISTORY OT

eftablUh the pofleffion. Now as the favages (pi
from never having read the authors above <
had hevet complied with any of thefe necefiary
k plainly followed that they had no right to t
but that it was completely at the difpofal of t!
comers, who had more knowledge, more wan
more elegant, that is to fay, artificial defires that
felves.

In entering upon a newly discovered, uncu
country, therefore, the new comers were but
pofleffion of what, according to the aforefaid d<
was their own property — therefore in oppofing
the favages were invading their juft rights, inf
the immutable laws of nature, and counteract]
will of heaven — therefore they were guilty of ii
burglary and trefpafs on the cafe, — therefore the
hardened offenders againft God and man— th
they ought to be exterminated.

But a more irrefiftible right than either that
mentioned, and one which will be the moil
admitted by my reader, provided he be bleffe
bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the ri
quired by civilization. All the world knows
mentaUe ftate in which thefe poor favages were
Not ortly deficient in the comforts of life, but
{till worfe, moft piteoufly and unfortunately t
the miferies of their fituation. But no fooner
benevolent inhabitants of Europe behold their £a
dition than they immediately went to work to z

NEW-YORK. 47

(and improve it. They introduced among them.
t, giny brandy, and the other comforts of life — and
r aftonifhing to read how foon the poor favages
*to eftimate thefe bleffings — they likewife made
m to them a thoufand remedies, by which the
: inveterate difeafes are alleviated and healed, and
they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy
comforts of thefe medicines* they previoufly in- "
iced among them the difeafes,. which they were
hted to cure. By thefe and a variety of other
oris wa9 the condition t>f thefe poor favages won*
fly improved; they acquired a thoufand wants,
kich- they had before been ignorant, and as he
soft fources of happinefs, who-hasmoft wants to
ratified*, they were doubHefsly rendered. a- much
er race of beings.

t the moil important branch of civilization,, and
i has moil ftrenuoufly. been extolled, by the zeal-
hd pious fathers of the Rom'dlv Church, is the:
taction of the Ghriftkux faith; It was truly a;
tint might well infpire horror, to. behold thefe
t*i ft umblmg among the dark mountains o£ pa.
oer, aw&gu&y of. the moft horrible ignorance of
cm. It is trae r they neither ftote nor defrauded;
were fober, frugal, continent, and faithful to
•word ; but though, they acted, right habitually, it
all in vain, ualefs they acted for from precept.
new comers therefore ufed every method, ta in-

48 HISTORY OF

dace them to embrace and practife the true religion —
except indeed that of fetting them the example.

But notwithftanding all thefe complicated labours
for their good, fuch was the unparalleled obftinacy of
thefe ftubborn wretches, that they ungratefully re-
fufed to acknowledge the ftrangers as their benefac-
tors, and perfifted in difbelieving the doctrines they
endeavoured to inculcate ; moft infolently alledging,
that from their conduct, the advocates of Chriftianity
did not feem to believe in it themfelves. Was not
this too much for human patience? — would not one
fuppofe, that the benign vifitants from Europe, pro-
voked at their incredulity, and difcouraged by their
ftiff-necked obftinacy, would forever have abandoned
their fhores, and configned them to their original ig-
norance and mifery? — But no — fo zealous were they
to effect the temporal comfort and eternal falvadon of
thefe pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from
the milder means of perfuafion, to the more painful
and troublefome one of perfecution — Let loofe among
them whole troops of fiery monks and furious blood-
hounds — purified them by fire and fword, by flake
and faggot; in confequence of which indefatigable
meafures, the caufe of Chriftian love and charity was
fo rapidly advanced, that in a very few years, not one
fifth of the number of unbelievers exifted in SooA
America, that were found there at the tune of its
difcovery.

X£W-Y011K. 49

What ftronger right need the European fettlers
advance to the country than this? Have not whole
nations of uninformed favages been made acquaint-
ed with a thoufand imperious wants and indifpenfable
comforts, of which they were before wholly ignorant—
Have they not been literally hunted and fmoked out
of the dens and lurking places of ignorance and infi-
delity, and abfolutely fcourged into the right path?
Have not the temporal things, the vain baubles and
filthy luore of this, world, which were too apt to en-
gage their worldly and felfifh thoughts, been benevo-
lently taken from them; and have they not in (lead
thereof, been taught to fet their affections on things
above ? — And finally, to ufe the words of a reverend
SpanHh father, in a letter to his fuperior in Spain- —
« Can any one have the prefumption to fay, that thefe
" favage Pagans, have yielded any thing more than an
" inconfiderable recompenfe to their benefactors; in
" funendering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty
" fnblunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inhe-
« ritance in the kingdom of Heaven !"

Here then are three complete and undeniable fources
of right eftablifhed, any one of which was more than
ample to eftablifh a property in the newly difcovered
regions of America. Now, fo it has happened in
. certain parts of this delightful quarter of die globe,
I that the right of difcovery has been fo ftrenuoufly
aflerted — the influence of cultivation fo induftrioufly
extended, and the progrefs of falvation and civiliza-

SO HIST6UY OF

tion fo zealoufly profecuted, that, whatwitl
tendant wars, . perfections, oppreflions, dife
other partial evils- ; that often hang on the
great benefit*-— the lavage aborigines have, f
or another, . been utterly annihilated— and ti
once brings me to a fourth right, which is
the others put together — For the original cla
the foil being all dead and buried, and nc
mainmg to inherit or difpute the foil, the S
as the next immediate occupants, entered 1
- pofleffion as clearly as the hang-man fuccee
clothes of the malefactor — and as they ha)
(lone,* and all the learned expounders of th<
their fide, they may fet all actions of ejec
defiance— and this lad Tight may be enti

RIGHT BY EXTERMINATION, Or in Other W<
RIGHT BY GUN-POWDER.

But left any* fcruples of conscience fhod
on this head, and to fettle the queftion of
ever, his holirtefs Pope Alexander VI, iffued
bull, by which he generouily granted the^ n<
covered quarter of the globe to the Spani;
Portugaefe ; who, thus having law and gofpe
fide, and being inflamed with great fpirit
fhowed the Pagan favages neither favour nor
but prdfecuted the work of difcovery, cole
civilization, and extermination, with ten tin
fury than ever.

# Bl. Com; B. II, c. 1.

XKW-YOllK. 51

Thus were the European worthies who firft difco-
J rered America clearly entitled to the foil ; and not
only entitled to the foil, but likewife to the eternal
thanks of thefe infidel favages, for having come fo
far, endured fo many perils by fea and land, and taken
; fach unwearied pains, for no other purpofe but to im-
prove their forlorn, uncivilized and heathenifh condi-
tion—for having made them acquainted with the corn-
facts of life ; for having introduced among them the
light of religion, and finally — for having hurried them
i out of the world, to enjoy its reward !

But as argument is never fo well underftood by us
fclfifc mortals, as when it comes home to ourfelves,
and as I am particularly anxious that this queftion.
I fcouid be put to reft for ever, I will fuppofe a parallel
cafe, by way of aroufing the candid attention of my

readers.

Let us fuppofe then, that the inhabitants of the
moon, by aftonifliing advancement in fcience, and by
a profound infight into that ineffable lunar philofophy,
the mere flickering^ of which have of late years daz-
zled the feeble optics, and addled the (hallow brains
)f the good people of our globe — let us fuppofe, I
"ay, that the inhabitants of the moon, by thefe means,
od arrived atfuch a command of their energies, fuch
tn enviable ftate of perfectability, as to controul the
Jements, and navigate the boundlefs regions of fpace*
!^et us fuppofe a roving crew of thefe foaring philo-
ophers, in die courfe of an aerial voyage of difcovery
vol. i. 7

52 HISTORY Of

among the ftars, fhould chance to alight upon t
landifh planet.

And here I beg my readers will not have
charitablenefs to fmile, as is too frequently t
of volatile readers, when perufing the grave
tions of philofophers. I am far from indul
any fportive vein at prefent ; nor is the fupp
have been making fo wild as many may deem it
long been a very ferious and anxious queftL
me and. many a time and oft, in the courfc
overwhelming cares and contrivances for the
and protection of this, my native planet, hav<
awake whole nights, debating in my mind, "
it were mod probable we fhould firft difcovex
vilize the moon, or the moon difcover and
our globe. . Neither would the prodigy of ft
the air and cruifing among the ftars be a wl
aftonifhing and incomprehenfible to us, than
European myftery of navigating floating caftles,
the world of waters, to the fimple favages. "\
already difcovered the art of coafting along tl
ihores of our planet, by means of balloons, as
vages had| of venturing along their fea coaft
noes ; and the difparity between the former,
aerial vehicles of the philofophers from the
might not be greater, than that, between t
canoes of the favages, and the mighty (hips
difcoverers. I might here purfue an endlefs
fimilar fpeculations ; but as they would be ui

NEW-YORK, 53

ant to my fubject, I abandon them to my reader, par-
ticularly if he be a philofopher, as matters well
worthy his attentive confideration.

To return then to my fuppoGtion — let us fuppofc
that the aerial viGtants I have mentioned, pofleflTed of
vaftly fuperior knowledge to ourfelves ; that is to fay,
poflefled of fuperior knowledge in the art of exter-
mination — riding on HypogrifFs — defended with impe-
netrable armour — armed with concentrated fun beams,
and provided with vail engines, to harl enormous
moon (tones: in fhort, let us fuppofe them, if our
Tanity will permit the fuppoGtion, as fuperior to us in
knowledge, and confequently in power, as the Euro-
peans were to the Indians, when they firft difcovered
them. All this is very poflible, it is only our felf
fuificiency that makes us think otherwife •, and I war-
rant the poor favages, before they had any knowledge
of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glitter-
ing fteel and tremendous gun-powder, were as per-
fectly convinced that they themfelves were the wifeft,
the mod virtuous, powerful, and perfect of created
beings, as are, at this prefent moment, the lordly in-
habitants of old England, the volatile populace of
France, or even the felf-fatisfied citizens of this molt
enlightened republic.

Let us fuppofe, moreover, that the aerial voyagers,
finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wil-
dernefs, inhabited by us, poor favages and wild beads,
fhall take formal poffefiion of it, in the name of his

4* HISTORY OF

mod gracious and philofophic excellency, the man in
the moon. Finding, however, that their numbest
are incompetent to hold it in complete fubjection, op
account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants;
they (hall take our worthy PreGdent, the King of Eng*
land, the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte^
and the great King of Bantam, and returning to tfceip
native planet, (hall carry them to court, as were Ac
Indian chiefs led about as fpectacles in the courts of
Europe.

Then making fuch obeifance as the etiquette of thfi
court requires, they (hall addrels the puiffant man in
the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the follow-
ing terms:

« Mod ferene and mighty Potentate, whofe domi*
nions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on
the Great Bear, ufeth the fun as a looking glafs, and
maintaineth unrivalled controul over tides, madmen,
and fea-crabs. We, thy liege fubjects, have juft re-
turned from a voyage of difcovery, in the courie of
which we have landed and taken poffeffion of that ob*
fcure little dirty planet, which thou beholdeft rolling
at a diftance. The fiye uncouth monfters, whicti w£
have brought into this augvft prefence, were one*
very important chiefs among their fellow favage$, who
are a race of beings totally deftitute of the common
attributes of humanity ; and differing in every thing
from the inhabitants of the moon, inafmuch as they
carry their heads upon their (holders, inftead 9$

KBW-YOttK. 5i

under their arms — have two eyes inftead of one — are
utterly deit'tute of tails, and of a\arietyof unfeemly
complexions, particularly of a horrible whitenefs —
inftead of pea green.

" We have moreover found thefe miferable fnvagea
funk into a (late of the utmoft ignorance and depra-
vity, every man (hamelefsly living with his own wife,
and rearing his own children, inftead of indulging in
that community of wives enjoined by the law of na-
ture, as expounded by the philofophers of the moon.
In a word, they have fcarcely a gleam of true philo-
fophy among them, but are, in fact, utter heretics,
ignoramufes, and barbarians. Taking compaflion,
therefore, on the fad condition of thefe fublunary
wretches, we have endeavoured, while we remained
on their planet, to introduce among them the light of
reafon — and the comforts of the moon. — We have
treated them to mouthfuls of moonfhine, and draughts
of nitrous oxyde, which they fw a] lowed with incredi-
ble voracity, particularly the females; and we have
likewife endeavoured to inftil into them the precepts
of lunar philofnphy. We have infilled upon their
renouncing the contemptible (hackles of religion and
common fenfe, and adoring the profound, omnipotent
and all perfect energy, and the extatic, immutable,
immoveable perfection. But fuch was the unparal-
leled obftinacy of thefe wretched favages, that they
perfifted in cleaving to their wives, and adhering to
religion, and abfolutely fet at nou^nx \2fc& $\V

7#

66 HISTORY OF

lime doctrines of the moon, — nay, among other abc
{ninable herefies, they even went fo far as blafpheoi
oufly to declare, that this ineffable planet was mad
of nothing more nor lefs than green cheefe {"
. At thefe words* the great map in the moon (Ik
jng a very profound philofopher) fiiall fall in$q a tea
rible palEon, and pofTefiing equal authority ever thing
{hat do not belong tp him, as did whilom? bis hpji
jiefc the Pope, (hall forthwith iflue a formidable hul
— fpecifying, " That — whereas a pertain crew of Itf
natics have lately difcovered and taken pofleflion of
newly difcovered planet, called the «ar/£— -and ths
whereas it is inhabited by none but a race of two iqj
ged animals that carry their heads on their (houldei
inftead of under their arms » cannot talk the Umati
language; have two eyes inftead of one \ are defti{ut
of tails, and of a horrible whkenefs, inftead of pe
green — therefore, and for a variety of other excelled
reafons — they are considered incapable of pofiefiuq
any property in the planet they infeft, and the rigb
and title to it are confirmed to its original difepveren
— And furthermore, the colonifts who are now ajboa
to depart to the aforefaid planet, are authorized ap
commanded to ufe every means to convert thefe in
fidel favages from the darknefs of Christianity* an
make them thorough and abfolute lunatics."

In confequence of this benevolent bull, our phi
lofophic benefactors go to work with hearty seal
They feize upon our fertile territories, fcourge us tm

VBW-TOVK. gf

hlful pofleffiom, relieve us from our wive6»
len we are unreafonable eaough to complain
ill torn upon us and £*y«— ratferable barbarians!
?ful wretches ! — have we not come thoufands of
q improve your worthlefs planet I— -have we
. you with moon (bine-~have we not intoxicated
th nitrous oxyde— does not our moon give you
very night, and have you the bafeaefs to mur-»
ben we claiuB a pitiful return for all thefe bene*
hit finding that we not only pevfilt in abfolute
tpt of their veafoning and diibelief in their phi*
r, hut even gf> fo f ar aa daringly to defend out
y, their patience {hall be exhaufted, and they
efort to their fuperior powers of argument—
s with hypogriffs, transfix us with concentrated
ams, demoliih our cities with moon (tones ;
Laving by main force, converted us to the true
they (hall gracioufly permit us to exift in the
deferts of Arabia, or the frozen regions of
d, there to enjoy the bleffings of civilization
e charms of lunar philofophy — in much the fame
r as the reformed and enlightened favages of
tuntry, are kindly fuffered to inhabit the in*
ble forefts of the north, or the impenetrable
leffes of South America.
is, I hope, I have clearly proved, and ftrikingly
ted, the right of the early colonifts to the pos-
of this country — and thus is this gigantic ques-
rompletely vanquilhed— fo having manfully fur-

60 HISTORY OF

moft laborioufly. Then did he fpend full three m<
more on trudging on foot, and voyaging in Trekfc
from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to I
lem — to Leyden — to the Hague, knocking his
and breaking his pipe, againft every church in his
Then did he advance gradually nearer and nearer to
terdam, until he came in full fight of the identical
whereon the church was to be built. Then did he i
three months longer in walking round it and roui
contemplating it, firft from one point of view,
then from another— now would he be paddled
on the canal — now would he peep at it throu
telefcope, from the other fide of the Meufe, and
would he take a bird's eye glance at it, from th
of one of thofe gigantic wind mills, which pi
the gates of the city The good folks of the
were on the tiptoe of expectation and impatier
notwithstanding all I he turmoil of my great gi
father, not a fymptom of the church was yet i
feen; they even began to fear it would never be brt
into the world, but that its great projector wou
down and die in labour, of the mighty ph
had conceived. At length, having occupied V
good months in puffing and paddling, and talkinj
walking — having travelled over all Holland, and
taken a peep into France and Germany — having
ked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes, and three
dred weight of the beft Virginia tobacco; my j
grandfather gathered together all that knowing
induftrious clafs of citizens, who prefer attendi

KEW-YOKK. 61

y's bufinefs fooner than their own, and having
S his coat and five pair of breeches, he ad-
it urdily up, and laid the corner floi.e of the
in the prefence of the whole multitude — juft
ommencement of the thirteenth month,
imilar manner, and with the example of my wor-
»ftor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in
this mod authentic hiftory. The honed Rot-
aers no doubt thought my great grandfather
ng nothing at all to the purpofe, while he was
fuch a world of prefatory buftle, about the
; of his church — and many of the ingenious
mt3 of this fair city, will unqueftionably fup-
Lt all the preliminary chapters, with the dilcov-
pulation, and final fettlement of America, were
irrelevant and fuperfluous — and that the main
i, the hiftory of New-York, is not a jot more
»d, than if I hud never taken up my pen.
ivere wife people more miftaken in their con-
\\ in confequence of going to work flowly and
ately, the church came out of my grandfather's
one of the moft fumptuous, goodly, and glo-
difices in the known world — excepting, that,
r magnificent capitol at Wafhington, it was be-
fo grand a fcale, that the good folks could not
to finifli more than the wing of it. So like-
I truft, if ever I am enabled to finifli this
»n the plan I have commenced, (of which, in
truth, I fometimes have my doubts,) it will be

69 HISYOttY OY

found, that I hare purfaed the lateft rules of my ar
as exemplified in the writings of all the great Amer
can Hiftorians, and wrought a very large hiftory on
of a fmall fubject — which, now a*days is confidete
one of the great triumphs of hiftoric (kill.— To pro
ceed then with the thread of my ftory.

In the ever memorable, year of our Lord, 1609, oi
a Saturday morning, the five and twentieth day o
March, old ftyle, did that " worthy and irrecoverable
diicoverer, (as he has juftly been called,) Mattel
Henry Hudfon," fet faH from Holland in a (tout vea-
fel called the Half Moon, being employed by thi
Dutch Eaft India Company, to feek a Northwefl
paflage to China.

Henry (or, as the Dutch hiftorians call him. Heft*
drick) Hudfon, was a fea-faring man of renown, who
had learned to fmoke tobacco under fir Walter Ra-
leigh, and is faid to have been the fir ft to introduce it
into Holland, which gained him much popularity in
that country, and caufed him to find great favour io
the eyes of their High Mightinefles, the lords date*
general, and alfo of the honourable Weft India
Company. He was a fhort, fquare, brawny old gen-
tleman, with a double chin, a maftiff mouth, and a
broad copper nofe, which was fuppofed in thofe dayS»
to have acquired its fiery hue, from the conftart
neighbourhood of his tobacco pipe.

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leath-
ern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat one fide tf

KEW-YOM. 63

b bead. He was remarkable for always jerking up
Ms breeches when he gave out his orders, and his roice
founded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet—
owing to the number of hard north wefters which he
hid fwallowed in the courfe of his fea-faring.

Such was Hendrick Hudfon, of whom we hare
kard fo much, and know fo little: and I nave been
thus particular in his defcription, for the benefit of
nodern painters and ftatuaries, that they may repre-
fent him as he was ; and not, according their common
cuftoro, with modern heroes, make him look like Cae-
(ar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvidere.
As chief mate and favourite companion, the com-
modore chofe matter Robert Juet, of Lime houfe, in
England. By fome his name has been fpelled Cbeivit,
and afcribed to the circumftance of his having been
the firft man that ever chewed tobacco ; but this I
believe to be a mere flippancy ; more efpecially as
certain of his progeny are living at this day, who
write their names luet. He was an old comrade
and early fchool-mate of the great Hudfon, with whom
he had often played truant and failed chip boats in a

neighbouring pond, when they were little boys

from whence it is faid the commodore firft derived
his bias towards a fea-faring life. Certain it is, that
the old people about Lime houfe declared Robert Juet
to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mifchief, that would
one d?y or other come to the gallows.
vol, i. 3

64 HISTORY OF

He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, ;
rambling, heedlefs varlet, tofled about in all quarter
of the world — meeting with more perils and wonder:
than did Sindbad the Sailor, without growing, a whit
more wife, prudent, or ill natured. Under every
misfortune* he comforted himfelf with a quid of to-
bacco, ani the truly philofophic maxim, that " it will
be all the fame thing a hundred years hence." He
was ikilled in the art of carving anchors and true
lover's knots on the bulk heads and quarter railings, and
was confidered a great wit on board fhip, in confe-
quence of his playing pranks on every body around,
and now and then even making a wry face at old
Hendrick, when his back was turned.

To this univerfal genius are we indebted for many
particulars concerning this voyage; of which he
wrote a hiftory, at the requeft of the commodore,
who had an unconquerable averfion to writing him-
felf, from having received fo many floggings about it
when at fchool. To fupply the deficiencies of matter
Juet's journal, which is written with true log book
brevity, I have availed myfelf of divers family tradi-
tions, handed down from my great great grand father,
who accompanied the expedition in the capacity of
cabin boy.

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of
remark happened in the voyage j and it mortifies m*
exceedingly, that I have to admit fo noted an expe-
dition into my work, without making any more of it—

en

NEW-YORK. 65

Oh! that I had the advantages of that mod au-
thentic writer of yore, Apolionius Rhodius, who, in
n his account of the famous Argonautic expedition,
^ las the whole mythology at his difpofal, and elevates
Jifon and his compeers into heroes and demigods;
although all the world knows them to have been a
tjaere gang of fheep dealers, on a marauding expe-
dition — or that I had the privileges of Dan Homer
and Dan Virgil, to enliven my narration with giants
and Lyftrigonians ; to entertain our honed mariners
with an occafional concert of fyrens and mermaids,
and now and then with the raree mow of honed old
Neptune and his fleet of frolickfome cruifers. But,
alas ! the good old times have long gone by, when
your wajgiih deities would defcend upon this terra-
queous globe, in their own proper perfons, and play
their pranks upon its wondering inhabitants.

Suffice it then to fay, the voyage was profperous
and tranquil — the crew, being a patient people, much
given to flumber and vacuity, and but little troubled
with the difeafe of thinking — a malady of the mind,
which is the fure breeder of difcontent. Hudfon
had laid in abundance of gin and four crout, and
every man was allowed to fleep quietly at his pod
unlefs the wind blew. True it is, fome flight dis-
fatisfaction was mown on two or three occafions, at
certain unreafonable conduct of commodore Hudfon.
Thus, for indance, he forbore to fhorten fail when
the wind was light, and the weather ferene, which

66 HISTORY 07

was confidered among the moft experienced Dutch
feamen, as certain weather breeders, or prognoftics,
that the weather would change for the worfe. He
acted, moreover, in direct contradiction to that an-
cient and fage rule of the Dutch navigators, who al-
ways took in fail at night — put the helm a-port, and
turned in — by which precaution they had a good
night's reft— were fure of knowing where they were
the next morning, and flood but little chance of run-
ning down a continent in the dark. He likewife pro*
hibited the feamen from wearing more than five jack-
ets, and fix pair of breeches, under pretence of ren-
dering them more alert ; and no man was permitted
to go aloft, and hand in fails, with a pipe in his
mouth, as is the invariable Dutch cuftom, at the pre*
fent day — All thefe grievances, though they might
ruffle for a moment the conftitutional tranquillity of
the honed Dutch tars, made but tranfient impreffimj
they eat hugely, drank profufely, and flept immet*
furably, and being under the efpecial guidance of pro-
vidence, the (hip was fafely conducted to the coaft
of America ; where, after fundry unimportant touch-
ings and (landings off and on, (he at length, on die
fourth day of September, entered that majeftic baf,
which at this day expands its ample bofom before the
city of New-York, and which had never before been
vifited by any European.*

* True it is — and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in *&*"
tatu aprocrypbal book of voyages, compiled by oue HacluVt, ii *

XEW-TORK. 67

It has been traditionary in our family, that when
be great navigator was firft bleflfed with a view of
his enchanting ifland, he was obferved, for the firft
ind only time in his life, to exhibit ftrong fymptoms
if aftonifhment and admiration. He is faid to have
turned to matter Juet, and uttered thefe remarkable
words, while he pointed towards this paradife of the
new world — M fee ! there !" — and thereupon, as was
dways his way when he was uncommonly pleafed, he
iid puff out fuch clouds of denfe tobacco fmoke, that

te found a letter written to Francis the first, by one Giovanne, or
tobn Verazzani, on wbicb iome writers arc inclined to found a be-
wf that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century pre-
rims to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it
its net with the countenance of certain very judicious and learned
Sen) I bold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and sub-
tautial reasons— First, Because on strict examination it will be
bond, that the description given by this Verazzani, applies about
a well to the bay of New- York, as it does to my night cap. — Se-
fciaVy, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom I already be-
{in to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence; and every
*dy knows the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which
fey filched away the laurels, from the brows of the immortal Colon,
vulgarly called Columbus) and bestowed them on their officious
nrusmao, Amerigo Vespucci — and I make no doubt they are
^nally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of disco-
r «riog this beauteous Island, adorned by the rity of New- York,
toe" placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America.
Ind, thirdly , I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of
Bendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland,
fcing truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprise — and though all the
Wfi in the world were introduced on the other side, I would st.t
htm at nought, as undeserving my attention. If these three rea*
°oi be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city —
U I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their vene-
Jble Dutch Ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of con-
'i&cing. Thus, therefore, the title of Head lick Hudson, to bis
downed discovery is fully vindicated.

8 *

68 HISTOBT OF

in one minute the veflel was out of fight of la
matter Juet was fain to wait until the winds d
this impenetrable fog.

It was indeed — as my great great grandfatl

to (ay — though in truth I never heard him,

died, as might be expected, before I was bon

was indeed a fpot on which the eye might hai

led for ever, in ever new and never ending b

The ifland of Manna-hata fpread wide befoi

like fome fweet vifion of fancy, or fome fair

of induftrious msgic. Its hills of fmiling gre

led gently one above another, crowned wi

trees of luxuriant growth ; fome pointing the

ing foliage towards the clouds, which were g

tranfparent* and others loaded with a verda

then of clambering vines, bowing their bra:

the earth, that was covered with flowers.

gentle declivities of the hills were fcatterec

profufion, the dog*.wood, the ffcmach, and

brier, whofe fcarlet berries and white bloffom

brightly among the deep green of the furroui

liage ; and here and there a curling column <

rifing from the little glens that opened a

lhore, feemed to promife the weary voyagei

come at the hands of their fellow creatures.

flood gazing with entranced attention on 1

before them, a red man, crowned with fea

fued from one of thefe glens, and after cont<

in filent wonder the gallant fliip, as fhe iat lit

rwimming on a filver lake, founded the war-
and bounded into the woods, like a wild

the utter aftonifhment of the phlegmatic
jn, who had never heard fuch a noife, or

fuch a caper in their whole lives.
» transactions of our adventurers with the
and how the latter fmoked copper pipes, and

currants ; how they brought great (tore of
ind oyfters ; how they fhot one of the {hip's
d how he was buried, I (hall fay nothing,
X I confider them unimportant to my hiftory.
rying a few days in the bay, in order to re*
mfelves after their fea-faring, our voyagers

anchor, to explore a mighty river which
into the bay. This river, it is (aid, was
imong the favages by the name of the Shate-
lough we are allured in an excellent little
mblifhed in 1674, by John Joffelyn, Gent,
as called the Mobeganf and matter Richard

who wrote fome time afterwards, aflerts the
:> that I very much incline in favour of the
of thefe two honeft gentlemen. Be this as it
> this river did the adventurous Hendrick pro-
tie doubting, but it would turn out to be the
>oked for paflage to China !
journal goes on to make mention of divers
ivs between the crew and the natives, in the

river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhattan
— Montnigue and Mauritius river.

70 HISTORY OF

voyage up the river, but as they would be impertineffl
to my hiftory, I (hall pals over them in filence, ex-
cept the following dry joke, played off by the old com-
modore and his fchool-fellow Robert Juet; whicl
does fuch vaft credit to their experimental philofophyj
that I cannot refrain from inferring it. " Our raaftef
and his mate determined to try fome of the chiefs
men of the countrey, whether they had any treache*
rie in them. So they tooke them downe into die
cabin, and gave them fo much wine and acqua vitst,
that they were all merries and one of them had his
wife with him, which fate fo modeftly, as any of our
countrey women would do in a ftrange place. In the
end, one of them was drunke, which had been
aboarde of our ftiip all the time that we had beenc
there, and that was ftrange to them, for they could
not tell how to take it."*

Having fatisfied himfelf by this ingenious experi-
ment, that the natives were an honeft, focial race of
jolly royfters, who had no objection to a drinking
bout, and were very merry in their cups, the old com-
modore chuckled hugely to himfelf, and throning %
double quid of tobacco in his cheek, directed mafter
Juet to have it carefully recorded, for the fatisfaction
of all the natural philosophers of the univerfity of
Leyden — which done, he proceeded on his voyage,
with great felf-complacency. After failing, however s

* Juet's J juru. Parch. Til.

NEW-YOKK. 7i

lert kf fcrean hundred miles up the river, he found the
1 Ce > 4*ttny world around him began to grow more (hal-
L L * : 7 W and confined, the current more rapid, and per*
*3*f fatly frefh — phenomena not uncommon in the afcent
^Rf rfrirers, but which puzzled the honeft Dutchmen
^J podigioufly. A confutation was therefore called,
ttrf having deliberated full fix hours, they were
brought to a determination, by the (hip's running
aground— whereupon they unanimoufly concluded,
that there was but little chance of getting to China
in this direction. A boat, however, was difpatched
to explore higher up the river, which, on its return,
confirmed the opinion — upon this the (hip was warp-
ed off and put about, with great difficulty, being like
mod of her fex, exceedingly hard to govern; and
the adventurous Hudfon, according to the account of
my great great grandfather, returned down the river
—With a prodigious flea in his ear !

Being fatisfied that there was little likelihood of
getting to China, unlefs like the blind man, he re-
turned from whence he fat out, and took a frefli
ftart, he forthwith re-crofied the fea to Holland,
where he was received with great welcome by the
honourable Eaft- India company, who were very much
rejoiced to fee him come back fafe — with their (hip ;
and at a large and refpectable meeting of the firft
merchants and burgomafters of Amfterdam, it was
unanimoufly determined, that as a munificent re-

72 HI8T0KY OF

ward for the eminent fervices he had perfon
the important difcovery he had made, the
ver Mohegan (hould be called after his nan
it continues to be called Hudfon river unto
day. .

fe<

NEW-TORK. 73

chap. n.

ng an account of a mighty Ark which
i 9 under the protection of St. Nicholas,
Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of
ange Animals therefrom — a great victory,
description of the ancient village of Com-
aw.

ielectable accounts given by the great Hud-

Mafter Juet, of the country they had dis-
excited not a little talk and fpeculation among
I people of Holland — Letters patent were
>y government to an aflbciation oi Merchants,
le Weft-India company, for the exclufive

Hudfon river, on which thejy erected a
oufe called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from
did fpring the great city of Albany. But

to dwell on the various commercial and co-
enterprifes which took place •, among which

of Mynheer Adrian Block, who difcovered
■ a name to Block Ifland, fince famous for its
and (hall barely confine myfelf to that, which
h to this renowned city.
\ fome three or four -years after the return of
lortal Hendrick, that a crew of honed, low
lonifts fet fail from the city of Amfterdam,
hores of America. It is an irreparable lofs to

74 HISTORY or

to hiftory, and a great proof of the darknefs of
the age, and the lamentable neglect of the noble
art of book-making, fince fo induftrioufly cold-
Tated by knowing fea-captains, and learned fuper-
cargoes, that an expedition fo interefting and important
in its refults, (hould be pafled over in utter filence-
To my great great grandfather am I again indebted
for trie few facts, I am enabled to give concerning
it—he having once more embarked for this country
with a full determination, as he faid, of ending Ins
days here — and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers,
that {hould rife to be great men in the land.

The (hip in which thefe illuftrious adventurers fet
fail was called the Goede Fr$uw y or good woman, in
compliment to the wife of the Prefident of the Weft
India company, who was allowed by every body (ex-
cept her hufband) to be a fweet tempered lady, when
not in liquor. It was in truth a molt gallant verTel, of
the molt approved Dutch conftruction, and made by
the abl *ft (hip carpenters of Amfterdam, who it is
well known, always model their (hips after the fair
forms ot their country-women. Accordingly it had
one hundred feet in the beam, one hundred feet in the
keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the
ftern pod, to the taftbrel. Like the beauteous model,
who was declared to be the greateft belle in Amfter-
dam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of enormous
cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal, a mod pro-
digious poop !

NEW-YORK, :">

. The architect, who was fomewhat of a religious

pan, far from decorating the (hip with pagan idols,

\ftich as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules, (which hea-

thenifh abominations, I have no doubt, occaGon the

•

.nisfortunes and (bipwreck of many a noble yeffel,)
fce, I fay, on the contrary, did laudably erect for a,
head, a goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with
a low, broad brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemifli
trunk hofe, and a pipe that reached to the end of the
kw-fprit. Thus gallantly furnifhed, the (launch (hip
Joated tideways, like a majeftic goofe, out of the
harbour of the great city of Amfterdam, and all the
bells, that were not otherwife engaged, rung a triple
lob-major on the joyful occafion.

My great great grandfather remarks, that the
foyage was uncommonly profperous, for, being un*
der the efpecial care of the ever-revered St. Nicholas,
die Goede Vrouw feemed to be endowed with qual-
ities unknown to common vefiels. Thus (he made
U much lee-way as head- way, could get along very
nearly as fall with the wind a-head, as when it was
ft-poop — and was particularly great in' a calm; in
confequence of which lingular advantages, (he made
out to accompli(h her voyage in a very few months,
and came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudfon, a
little to the eaft of Gibbet Ifland.*

* So called, because one Joseph Andrews, a pirate nnd murderer*
«ts tanged in chains on that Island, the 23d May, 1*769.

VOL. I. 9

76 HISTOHY OF

• ■• .

Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what
is at prefent called the Jerfey (hore, a fmall IndiW
village, pleafantly embowered in a grove of fpreadhig
elms, and the natives all collected on the beach, gaz-
ing in ftupid admiration at the Goede Vjrouw. A
boat was immediately difpatched to enter into a treaty
with them, and approaching the (hore, hailed that
through a trumpet, in the molt friendly terms; but lb
horribly confounded were . thefe poor favages at the
tremendous and uncouth found of the low Dutch
language, that they one and all took to tfieir- heeh,
fcampered over the Bergen hills, nor did they (top
until they had buried themfelves, head and ears, in
the marfhes, on the other fide, where they all miferj-
bly perifhed to a man — and their bones being collect-
ed, and decently covered by the Tammany Society of
that day, formed that lingular mound called Rattk-sndkt*
hilli which rifes out of the centre of the fait marftes,
a little to the eaft of the Newark ( Caufeway.

Animated by this unlooked-for victory our valianl
heroes fprang afliore in triumph, took pofleffion d
the foil as conquerors in the name of their Higl
Mightmefles the lords ftates general, and marchinj
fearlefsly forward, carried the village of Cmmuni
paw by ftorm notwithftanding that it was vigoroufl]
defended by fome half a fcore of old fquaws, and pop
poofes. On looking about them they were to pan!
ported with the excellencies of the place, that the]
had very little doubt, the blefled St. Nicholas, ha<

YEW-YOBK. 77

jaded them thither, as the very fpot whereon to fet-
lk their colonyr The foftnefs of the foil was won-
^erfally adapted to the driving of piles; the fwamps
ind marches around them afforded ample opportunities
4r the conftructing of dykes and dams ; the {hallow-
ids of the fhore was peculiarly favourable to the build*
Wg of docks— in a word, this fpot abounded with
d the requifites for the foundation of a great Dutch
cky. On making a faithful report therefore, to the
new of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined
tat this was the deftined end of their voyage. Ac-
tordingly they defcended from the Goede Vrouw, men
lomen.and children* in goodly groups, as did the
nunals of yore from the ark, and formed themfelves
nto a thriving fettlement, which they called by the
ndian name Communipaw*

As all the world is doubtlefs perfectly acquainted
rith Communipaw, it may feem fomewhat fuperfluous
o treat of it in the prefent work; but my readers will
feafe to recollect, that notwithftanding it is my chief
lefire (o fatisfy the prefent age, yet I write likewife
or pofterity, and have to confult the underftanding and
oriofity of fome half a fcore of centuries yet to come \
j which time perhaps, were it not for this invaluable his*
wy,the great Communipaw like Babylon, Carthage, Ni-
eveh and other great cities, might be perfectly extinct
-funk and forgotten in its own mud — its inhabitants
oxned into oyfters,* and even its fituation a fertile

• * «« Men by inaction degenerate into Oysters." Kaioet.

78 HISTORY 0*

fubject of learned controverfy and hardheaded mr
* ligation among indefatigable hiftorians. Let me th
pioufly refcue from oblivion, the humble reliques
a place, which was the egg- from whence was hate!
the mighty city of New- York !

Communipawis at prefent but a fmall Tillage, pi
fantly fituated among rural fcenery, on that beauts
part of the Jerfey fliore which was known in anew
legends by the name of Pavonia,* and command
grand profpect of the fuperb bay of New-York,
is within but half an hour's foil of the latter (da
provided you have a fair wind, and may be diftinc
feen from the city. Nay, it is a well known fact, whi
I can teftify from my own experience, that on a d
ft ill fummer evening, you may hear, from the batter]
New-York, the obftreperous peals of the broad-mou
ed laughter of the Dutch negroes, at Communips
who, like mod other negroes, are famous for their rifi
powers. This is peculiarly the cafe on Sunday er
ings; when, it is remarked by an ingenious and <
fervant philofopher, who has made great difcovex
in the neighbourhood of this city, that they alw
laugh 1 oudeft — which he attributes to the circumftai
of their having their holyday clothes on.

Thefe negroes, in fact, like the monks in the d
ages, engrofs all the knowledge of the place, and be
infinitely more adventurous and more knowing tl

, «

* Paronia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of coui
exteudiaj from about Hoboken to Atnboy.

X£W-YOBK. 79

their matters, carry on all the foreign trade; making
frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oys-
ten, buttermilk and cabbages. They are great aftrol-
qgers, predicting the different changes of weather
almoft as accurately as an almanac — they are more-,
over exquifite performers on three ftringed fiddles:
in whittling they almoft boaft the farfamed powers of
Orpheus his lytfe, for not a horfe or an ox in the place,
when at the plow or before the waggon, will budge a
foot until he hears the well known whittle of his black

•

driver and companion. — And from their amazing fktQ
at catting up accounts upon their fingers, they are re-
garded with as much veneration as were the difciples
tf Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the fa-
ded quaternary of numbers. - „

As to the honeft burghers of Communipaw, like wife
men, and found philosophers, they never look beyond
their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs
out of their immediate neighbourhood; fo that they
lire in profound and enviable ignorance of all the trou-
bles, anxieties and revolutions, of this diftracted plan*
et I am even told that many among them do. verily
believe that Holland, of which they have heard fo much
from tradition, is fituated fomewhere on Long-Ifland
—that Spilrihg-devil and the Narrows are the two ends
of the world — that the country is (till under the domi-
nion of their high mightmefles, and that the city of
New- York (till goes by the name of Nieuw Amfter-
dam* They meet every faturday afternoon, at the

9*

80 HISTORY OF

only tavern in the place, which bears as' a fign, a fquare
headed likenefs of the prince of Orange; where the]
fmoke a filent pipe, by way of promoting focial convi-
vialty, and invariably drink a mug of cider to -the foe-
cefs of admiral Von Tromp, who they imagine it
ftill fweeping the Britifti channel, with a broom at hii
maft head.

Communipaw, in flioTt, is one of the numerous
little villages in the vicinity of this raoft beautiful oi
cities, which are fo many ftrong holds and faftnefles
whither the primitive manners of our Dutch forefather!
have retreated, and where they are* cherifhed widi
devout and fcrupulous ftrictnefs. The drefs of rfw
original fettlers is handed down inviolate, from fatfaei
to fon — the identical broad brimmed hat, broad fkiftec
coat and broad bottomed bteeches, continue froa
"generation to generation, and feveral gigantic kne<
buckles of maffy Giver, are ftiH in wear, that made
fuch gallant difplay in the days of the patriarchs oi
Communipaw. The language likewife, continue*
unadulterated by barbarous innovations; and fo criti«
cally correct, is the village fchool-mafter in his dialect
that his reading of a low dutch pfalm, has mud
the fame effect on the nerves, as the fiUng of a hand
few.

ItEW-ToBK. 81

CHAR III.

In which is set forth the true art of making a
barguin— together with the miraculous escape of
a grekt Metrdpolis in a fog — and the biography
of certain heroes of Commuuipuic.

Having, in the trifling digreflion which concluded
the laft chapter, difcharged the filial duty, which the
city of New- York owed to Communipaw, as being
die mother fettlement; and having given a faithful
picture of it as it (lands at prefent, I return with a
toothing fentiment of felf-approbation, to dwell upon
its early hiftory. The crew of the Goede Vrouw
being foon reinforced by frelh importations from Hot
land, the fettlement went jollily on, encreafing in
magnitude and profperity. The neighbouring Indians
in a fhort time became accuftomed to the uncouth
found of the Dutch language, and an intercoutfe
gradually took place between them and the new
comers* The Indians were much given to long talks,
and the Dutch to long filence — in this particular,
therefore, they accommodated each other completely.
The chiefs would make long fpeeches about the big
bull, the wabafli and the great fpirit, to which the
others would liften very attentively, fmoke their pipes
and grunt yah myn-her — whereat the poor favages were
wonderoufly delighted. They inftructed the new

gg HISTOBY ©F

fettlers in the bed art of curing and fmoking tobacco
while the latter in return, made them drunk with trui
Hollands — and then learned them the art of makinj
bargains.

A briflc trade for furs was foon opened: the Dutd
traders were fcrupuloufly honeft in their dealings,
and purchafed by weight, eftabliftiing it as an inva-
riable table of avoirdupoife, that the hand of a Dutch-
man weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds
It is true, the fimple Indians were often puzzled bj
the great difproportion between bulk and weight, foi
let them place a bundle of furs, never fo large, ifl
one fcale, and a Dutchman put his hand or foot ifl
the other, the bundle was fure to kick the beam-
never was a package of furs known to weigh more
than two pounds, in the market of Communipaw I

This is a fingular fact — but I have it direct from
my great great grandfather, who had rifen to consi-
derable importance in the colony, being promoted to
the office of weigh mafter, on account of the uncom*
mon heaviness of his foot.

The Dutch pofleffions in this part pf the globe be-
gan now to aflume a very thriving appearance* and
were comprehended under the general title of Nieuw
Nederlandts, on account, as the fage Vander Donck
obferves, of their great refemblance to the Dutch
Netherlands — which indeed was truly remarkable, ex-
cepting that the former were rugged and mountainousj
and the latter level and marihy. About this time

NEW-YOKK. S3

the tranquillity of the Dutch colonifts was doomed to
fnffer a temporary interruption. In 1614, captain
Sir Samuel Argal, failing under a commiffion from
Dale, governor of Virginia, vifited the Dutch fettle-
ments on Hudfon river, and demanded their fubrais-
fion to the Englifb crown and Virginian dominion.—.
To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condi-
tion to refill it, they fubmhted for the time, like dis-
creet and reafonable men.

It does not appear that the valiant Argal molefted
the fetdement of Comnmnipaw ; on the contrary, I
an told that when his veflel firft hove in -fight the
worthy burghers were feised with fuch a panic, that
they fell to fmoking their pipes with aftoniftiing ve-
hemence; infomuch that they quickly raifed a cloud,
winch, combining with the furroundxng woods and
marfhes, completely enveloped and concealed their
beloved village; and overhung the fair regions of Pa-'
ronia — So that the terrible captain Argal pafled on,
totally unfufpicious that a fturdy little Dutch fettle-
ment lay fnugly couched in the mud, under cover of
all this peftilent vapour. In commemoration of this
fortunate efcape, the worthy inhabitants have conti-
nued to f moke, almoft without inteimiffion, unto this
very day ; which is faid to be the caufe of the remark-
able fog that often hangs over Communipaw of a clear
afternoon.

Upon the departure of the *nemy, our magnani-
mous anceftors took full fix months to recover their

M HISTORY O*

a-

wind, hating been exceedingly difcompofed
confternation and hurry of affairs. They ther
st council of fafety to frnoke over the date of t
vince. After fix months more of mature d
tion, during which nearly five hundred word
fpoken, and almoft as much tobacco was fmo
would have ferved a certain modern general t
a whole winter's campaign of hard drinking,
determined, to fit out an armament of cano
difpatch them on a voyage of difcovery ; to f<
peradventure, fome more fure and formidable
might not be found, where the colony would
fubject to vexatious vifitations.

This perilous enterprife was entrufted to the
intendance of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kortlandt
ham Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and
Ten Broeck — four indubitably great men, but o
J)iftory, although I have made diligent inquin
learn but little, previous to their leaving 1
Nor need this occafion much furprife; for adve
like prophets, though they make great noife
have feldom much celebrity in their own cot
but this much is certain, that the overflowings
fcourings of a country are invariably compofe<
richeft parts of the foil. And here I cam
remarking how convenient it would be to r
our great men and great families of doubtful
could they have the privilege of the heroes <
who; whenever their origin was involved in ol

NEW-YOBK. Si

modeftly announced themfelves defcended from a god
—and who never vifited a foreign country, but what
they told fome cock and bull (lories, about their being
kings and princes at home. This venial trefpafs
on the truth, though it has occafionally been played
off by fome pfeudo marquis, baronet, and other illus-
trious foreigner^ in our land of good natured credulity,
has been completely difcountenanced in this fceptical,
matter of fact age— And I even queftion whether any
tender virgin, who was accidentally and unaccountably
enriched with a bantling, would fave her character
at parlour fire-fides and evening tea-parties, by as-
cribing the phenomenon to a fwan, a (hower of gold,
or a river god.

Thus being denied the benefit of mythology and
daffic fable, I (hould have been completely at a lofs
as to the early biography of my heroes, had not a
gleam of light been thrown upon their origin from
their names.

By this fimple means have I been enabled to gather
fome particulars, ' concerning the 'adventurers in ques-
tion. Van Kortlandt for inftance, was one of thofe
peripatetic philofophers, who tax providence for a
livelihood, and like Diogenes, enjoy a free and unin-
cumbered eftate in funfhine. He was ufually array-
ed in garments fuitable to his fortune,, being curipufly
fringed and fangled by the hand of time.; and was
helmeted with an old fragment of a hat which had
acquired the fhape of a fugar-loaf; and fo far did he

S0 HISTOBT <>*

carry his contempt for the adventitious diftinct
dreis, that it is, laid, the remnant of a Ihirt,
covered his back, and dangled like a pocket h
chief out of a hole in his breeches, was never
ed, except by the bountiful (bowers of heavei
this garb was he ufually to be feen, funning h
at noon day, with a herd of philofophers of the
feet, on the fide of the great canal of Amite
Like your nobility of Europe, he took - his na
Kfilandt (or lack land) from his landed eftate,
lay fame where in Terra incognita. .

Of the next of our worthies, might I have hs
benefit of mythological afliftance, the want of
I have juft lamented-*-! fliould have made hono
mention* as- boafting. equally illuftrious pedigree
the proudefthero of antiquity. His name- wa*
Zandt, which being freely tranflated, iignifies
the dirt, meaning, beyond a doubt, that like T
lemus, Themis — the Cyclops and the Titani
fprung from dame Terra or the earth I This 1
fition is ftrongly corroborated by his fize, for it u
known that all the progeny of mother earth w<
a gigantic, ftature; and Van Zandt, we are-told
a tall raw-boned man, above fix feet high-t-wi
aftonifliingly hard head. Nor is this origin c
illuftrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable c
pugnant to belief, than what is related and ui
fally admitted of certain of our greateft, or i

NfiW-YOBK. 87

ricfaeft men; who, we are told with die utmoft gra-
rity, did originally fpring from a dung-hill!

Of the third hero, but a faint description has reach-
ed to this time, which mentions, that he was a ftur-
dy, obftinate, burley, buftling little man ; and from
being ufually equipped with an old pair of buck-
Jkins, was familiarly dubbed Harden broeck, or Tough
Breeches.

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers*'
It is a Angular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not
{crapulous in recording the whole truth, I fhould al-
ffloft be tempted to pafs over in filence, as incom-
patible with the gravity and dignity of hiftory, that
thk worthy gentleman fhould likewife have been
ikknamed from the mod whimfical part of his drefs.
la fact the fmall clothes feems to have been a very im-
portant garment in the eyes of our venerated anceftors,
owing in all probability to its really being the largeft
irticle of raiment among them. The name of Ten
Broeck or Tin Broeck is indifferently tranflated into
Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches — the high Dutch com-
mentators incline to the former opinion ; and afcribe
it to his being the firft who introduced into the fettle-
nent the ancient Dutch fafhion of wearing ten pair of
beeches* But the moft elegant and ingenious writers
on the fubject declare in favour of Tin, or rather
Thin Breeches ; from whence they infer, that he was
i poQr, but merry rogue, whofe galligafkins were none
vol. i. 10

S& HISTORY O*

■ ■ •

of the founded, and who was the identical autho:
that truly philosophical ftanza :

" Then why (hould we quarrel for riches.

Or any fuch glittering toys;
A light heart and thin pair of breeches,

Will go through -the world my brave boys !

Such was the gallant junto chofen to conduct
voyage into unknown realms, and the whole was
under the Superintending care and direction of 01
Van Kortlandt; who was held in great revere
among the fages of Communipaw, for the variety
darknefs of his knowledge. Having, as I before
ferved, pafled a great part of his life in the open
among the peripatetic philofophers of Amderdam,
had become amazingly well acquainted with the *f
of the heavens, and could as accurately detern
when a dorm was brewing, or a fquall rifing, as a du
husband can forefee, from the brow of his ipc
when a temped is gathering about his ears. He
moreover a great feer of ghods and goblins, at
firm believer in omens \ but what efpecially rec
mended him to public confidence, was his marvel
talent at dreaming, for there never was any thin
confequence happened at Communipaw but wha
declared he had previoufly dreamt it ; being om
thofe infallible prophets, that always predict a tb
after it has come to pafs.

NEW-YORK. 89

This fup^f natural gift was as highly valued among
the burghers of Pavonia, as it was among the enlight-
ened nations of antiquity. The wife Ulyffes was
more indebted to his deeping, than his waking mo-
ments, for all his fubtle achievements, and feldom
undertook any- great exploit, without firft foundly fleep-
kig upon it, and the fame may .truly be faid of the
good Van Kortlandt, who was thence aptly denomi-
nated, Oloffe the Dreamer.

This cautious commander having chofen the crews
that (hould accompany him in the propofed expedi-
tion, exhorted, them to repair to, their homes, take a
pod night's reft, fettle all family affairs and make their
wills, before departing on this voyage into unknown
lealms. And indeed this laft was a precaution always
taken by our forefathers, even in after times, when
they became more adventurous, and voyaged to Hav-
arftraw or Kaatflrill, or Groodt Efopus, Or any other
far country that lay beyond the great waters of the
Tappaan Zee.

:»

£0 HISTORY OJ

CHAP. IV.

How the heroes of Communipaw voyaged to S\
Gate, and how they were received there.

And now the rofy blufc of morn began to man
in the eaft, and loon the rifing fun, emerging ft
amidft golden and purple clouds, flied his blithfo
rays on the tin weathercocks of Communipaw.
was that delicious feafon of the year, when nato
breaking from the chilling thraldom of old wint
like a blooming damfet, from the tyranny of a for
old father, threw herfelf, blufhing with ten thoufii
cliarms, into the arms of youthful Spring. JLw
tufted copfe and blooming grove, refounded with I
notes of hymeneal love. The very infects, as &
fipped the dew that gemmed the tender grafs of 1
meadows, joined in the joyous epithalamium — the 1
gin bud timidly put forth its bluihes, a the voice
the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart
man diflblved away in tendernefs. Oh J fweet Th<
critus ! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou c
didft charm the gay Sicilian plains— Or Ohl gen
Bion ! thy paftoral pipe, wherein the happy fwains
the Lefbian ifle fo much delighted, then might I
tempt to fing,in foft Bucolic or negligent Idylliui
the rural beauties of the fcene — but having nothii
fave this jaded goofe quill, wherewith to wing i

NEW-YOBK. 91

flight, I mud fain refign all poetic difportings of the
fancy, and purfue my narrative in humble profe;
comforting myfelf with the hope, that though it may
not (leal fo fweetly upon the imagination of my rea-
der, yet may it commend itfelf, with virgin modefty
to hishetter judgment, clothed in the chafte and fim-
ple garb of truth.

No (boner did the firft rays of cheerful Phoebus
dart into the windows of Cummunipaw, than the
little (Settlement was all in motion* Forth iffued from
hiicaftle the fage Van Kortlandt, and feizing a conch
bell, blew a far refounding blaft, that foon fummoned
ill his tufty followers. Then did they trudge refo-
hztely down to the water fide, efcorted by a multitude
of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the
common phrafe exprefles it, " to fee them off." And
this (hows the antiquity of thofe long family proces-
fions, often feen in our city ; compofed of all ages,
fizes and fexes, laden with bundles and banboxes,
efcorting fome bevy of country coufins, about tp dej-
part for home in a market boat.

The good Oloffe beftowed his foroes in a fquadron
of three canoes, and hoifted his flag on board a little
round Dutch boat, fhaped not unlike a tub, which
bad formerly been the jolly boat of the Goede Vrouw.
And now, all being embarked, they bid farewell to
the gazing throng upon the beach, who continued
ihouting after them, even when out of hearing, wifli-
ing them a happy voyage, adviutig.them to take good

10 *

92 MISTOBY Of

care of themfelves, not to get drowned — with %
abundance other of thofe fage and invaluable caution
generally given by landfmen to fuch as go down :
the fea in (hips, and adventure upon the deep watei
In the mean while the voyagers cheerily utged th<
courie acrofs the chryital bofom of the bay, and fix
left behind them the green (hores of ancient Pavoni
And firft they touched at two (mall iflands whi
lie nearly oppofite Communipaw, and which are (a
to have been brought into exifteuce about the til
of the great irruption of the Hudfon, when it bro
through the Highlands and made its way to t
ocean.* For in this tremendous uproar of the *
ters, we are told that many huge fragments of re
and land were rent from the mountains and fw<
down by this run away river, for fixty or fever
miles ; where fome of them ran aground on the flio
juft oppofite Communipaw, and formed the identi
iflands in queftion, while others drifted out to f
and were never heard of more \ . A fufficient pn

* It is a matter long t\nci established by certain of our pi
sop her*, that is to say, having been often advanced, and never <
Hadicted, it has grown to be pietty nigh equal to a settled i
that the Hudson was originally a lake, dammed up by the mc
tains of the Highlands. In process of time » however, becoo
very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains waxing pa
dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme
age, it suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent struggle,
fccfcsd its escape. This is said to have come to pass in very tea
time, probably before that rivers had lo*i the art of runninf
lull. The foregoing is a theory in which I do not pretend tw
.Attlcd* notwiUwtaadiog that 1 do fully give it my belief.

HEW-YOBK. 95

of the fact is, that the rock 1 which forms the bafes of
thefe iflands, is exactly ilmilar to that of the High*
bnds, and moreover one of our philosophers, who has
diligently compared the agreement of their refpective
fuTfaces, has even gone fo far as to aflure me, in con-
fidence, that Gibbet Ifland was originally nothing
wore nor lefs than a wart on Anthony's nofe.*

Leaving thefe wonderful little ifles, they next coaft*
edby Governor's Ifland, fince terrible from its frown*
iog fortrefs and grinning batteries. They would by
ho means, however, land upon this ifland, fince they
doubted much it might be the abode of demons and
fpirits, which in thofe days did greatly abound through-
out this favage and pagan country.

Juft at this time a fhoal of jolly porpoifes came
Tolling and tumbling by, turning up their (leek fides
ty the fun, and fpouting up the briny element in
fparkling (bowers. No fooner did the fage Oloffe
mark this than he was greatly rejoiced. " This," ex-
claimed he, "if I miftake hot, augurs well — the por-
poife b a fat, well conditioned fi(h — a burgomafter
among fifties — his looks betoken eafe, plenty and
profperity — I greatly admire this round fat fifli, and
doubt not, but this is a happy omen of the fuccefo
of our undertaking." So faying, he directed his
(quadron to fteer in the tract of thefe aldermen fifties.
• Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they fwept

* A promontory \n the Highland*

9* HISTORY O?

V ■

I

up the ftraight, vulgarly called the eaft river,
here the rapid tide which courfes through this lira
feizing on the gallant tub in which commodore
Kortlandt had embarked, hurried it forward w
velocity unparalleled in a Dutch boat, navigate
Dutchmen ; infomuch that the good commodore,
had all his life long been ac cu Homed * only to
drowfy navigation of canals, was more than ever
vinced that they were in the hands of fome fi
natural power, and that the jolly porpctifes were
ing them to fome fair haven that was to fulfil all 1
wifh'es and expectations.

Thus borne' away by the refiftlefa current,
doubled that boiftferous point of land, fince c;
Corlear's Hook,* and leaving to the right the
winding cove of the Wallabout, where our in
navy is now a days put out to nurfe, they drifted
a magnificent expanfe of water, furrounded by pi
ant fhores, whofe verdure was exceedingly refret
to the eye. While the vdyagers were looking arc
them, on what they conceived to be a ferene and fc
lake, they beheld at a diftance a crew of painted
vages, bufily employed in fifhing, who feemed n
like the genii of this romantic region — their flei
canoe lightly balanced like a feather on the undi
iug furface of the bay.

At fight of thefe the hearts of the heroes of C

*' Property spelt hoeck, (i. e.) a point of land.

HISTORY OF 9&

munipaw were not a little troubled. But as good for-
tune would have it, at the bow of the commodore's
boat was ftationed a very valiant man, named Hen-
drick Kip, (winch being interpreted, means chicken, z
same given him in token of his courage.) No fooner
did he behold thefe varlet heathens than he trembled
with exceffive valour, and although a good half mile
diftant, he feized a mufquetoon that lay at hand, and
turning away his head, fired it moft intrepidly in the
lace of the blefled fun. The blundering weapon re-
soiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kicky
that laid him proftrate with uplifted heels in the bot-
tom of the boat. But fuch was the effect of this tre*
mendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, (truck
with confternation, feized haftily upon their paddles,
and (hot away into one of the deep inlets of the
Long-Ifland fhore.

This fignal victory gave new fpirits to the hardy
voyagers, and in honour of the achievement they
gave the name of the valiant Kip to the furrounding
bay, and it has continued to be called Kip's Bat,
from that time to the prefent. The heart of the good
Van Kortlandt — who, having no land of his own,
was a great admirer of other people's— expanded
at the fumptuous profpect of rich uniettled cduntry
around him, and falling into a delicious reverie, he
ftraightway began to riot in the pofleffion of vaft
meadows of fait marfli and interminable patches of
cabbages. From this delectable vifion h * *** *U

96 HISTORY 01?

at. once awakened by the fudden turning of the
tide, which would foon have hurried him from this
land of promife, had not the difcreet navigator giv-
en fighal to fleer for fliore j where they accordingly
landed hard by the rocky heights of Bellevue — that
happy retreat, where our jolly aldermen eat for th$
good bf the city, and fatten the turtle that are fieri-
ficed on civic folemnities. ,

Here, feated on the green fward, by the fide of a
fmall ftream that ran fparkling among the grafs, they
refrefhed themfelyes after the toils of the feas, bj
feafting luflily on the ample ftores which they had
provided for this perilous voyage. Thus having well
fortified their deliberative powers, they fell into an
earned confutation, what was further to be done,
This was the firft council dinner, ever eaten at Belle-
vue by Chriftian burghers, and here, as tradition re- L
lates, did originate the great family feud between the
Hardenbroecks and the Tenbroecks, which afterwards
had a lingular influence on the building of the city.
The fturdy Hardenbroeck, whofe eyes had been won-
deroufly delighted with the fait marfhes that fpread
their reeking bofoms along the coaft, at the bottom of
Kip's Bay, counfelled by all means to return thither,
and found the intended city. This was flrenuoufly
oppofed by the unbending Ten Broeck, and many tefty
arguments pafled between them. The particulars of
this controverfy have not reached us, which is evei
to Uc lamented j this much is certain, that the fagq

\

NEW-YOBK. 97

OMfe put an end to the difpute, by determining to
-*l explore ft ill further in the route which the myfterious
porpoifes had fo clearly pointed out — whereupon the
Inrdy Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition,
took pofleflion of a neighbouring hill, and in a fit of
peat wrath peopled all that tract of country, which
ks continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks
unto this very day.

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like fome wanton
orchm, fporting on the fide of a green hill, began to
'I idII down the declivity of the heavens; and now, the
? ' tide having once more turned in their favour,' the re-
'p folate Pavonians again committed themfelves to its
difcretion, and coafting along the weftern (bores were
borne towards the ftraights of BlackwelPs Ifland.

And here the capricious wanderings of the current,
occafioned not a little marvel and perplexity to thefe
iDuftrious mariners. Now would they be caught by the
wanton eddies, and, fweeping round a jutting point,
would *vind deep into fome romantic little cove, that
indented the fair ifland of Manna-hatta, now were
they hurried narrowly by the very bafes of impending
rocks,mantled with the flaunting grape vine,and crown-
ed with groves that threw a broad {hade on the
waves beneath, and anon they were borne away into
the mid-channel and wafted along with a rapidity
chat very much difcompofed the fage Van Kortlandt,
who, as he faw the land fwiftly receding on either

98 HXSTGKY 0?

fide, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma \
giving them the flip.

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes* a new c
ationfeemed to bloom around. No figns of hun
thrift appeared to check the delicious wildnefs of i
ture, who here revelled in all her luxuriant varie
Thofe hills now bridled, like the fretful porcupii
with rows of poplars, (vain, upftart plants! mini*
of wealth and faflrion !) were then adorned with f
vigorous natives of the foil. The lordly oak, 1
generous chefnut, the graceful elm — while here a
there the tulip tree reared his majeftic head, the gfc
of the foreft — where now are feen the gay retreats
luxury — villas half buried in twilight-bowers, when
the amorous flute oft breathes the fighings of foi
city fwain-r-there the fifli hawk built his folitary nc
on fome dry tree that overlooked his watery doma
The timid deer fed undifturbed along thofe flia
now hallowed by the lover's moonlight walk, a
printed by the Sender foot of beauty $ and a fava
folitude extended over thofe happy regions, whc
now are reared the (lately towers of the Jones's, t
Schermerhornes and the Rhinelanders.

Thus gliding in filent wonder through thefe n<
and unknown fcenes, the gallant fquadron of Pavoi
fwept by the foot of a promontory, that ftnitted foi
boldly into the waves, and feemed to frown up
them as they brawled againft its bafe. This is t
the bluff well known to modern mariners by the nai

HEW-YOIK. 90

ft Grade's point, from the fair caftle, which, like an
elephant it carries upon its back. And here broke
4>pon their view a wild and .varied profpect, where land
and water were beautepufly intermingled, as though
they had combined to heighten and fet off each other's
charms. To their right lay the fedgy point of Black,
jfell's Ifland, dreft in the frefli garniture of living
green — beyond it ftretched the pleafant coaft of Sunds-
vick, and the fmall harbour well known by the name
.of Hallet's cave— a place infamous, in latter days, by
xeafonof its .being the haunt of pirates who infeft tfiefe
fets, robbing orchards and water melon patches, and
kfulting gentlemen navigators, when voyaging in
(heir pleafure boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather
creek, gracefully receded between (bores fringed
With forefts, and forming a kind of villa, through
wluch were beheld the Sylvan regions of Haerlem,
Morriflania and Eaft Chefter. Here the eye repofed
With delight on a richly wooded country, diverfi-
fied by tufted knolls, fhadowy intervals, and wav-
ing lines of upland, fwelling above each other; while
over the whole, the purple mills of fpring diffufed
a hue of (oft voluptuoufnefs.

Juft before them the grand courfe of the ftream
making a fudden bend wound among embowered pro-
inontories and (hores of emerald verdure, that feem-
ed to melt into the wave. A character of gentle-
ness and mild fertility prevailed around. The fun had
jnft defcended, and the. thin haze of twilight, like a

100 HISTORY Ot

tranfparent veil, drawn over the bofom of virgin
heightened the charms, which it half concealer
Ah ! witching fcenes of foul delufion ! Ah !
voyagers, gazing with fimple wonder on the
cean (hores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor eafj

i who liften to the feductions of a wicked \
treacherous are its fmiles ! fatal its careflei
who yields to its enticements launches
whelming tide, and trufts his feeble bark ami
dimpling eddies of a whirlpool! And thus i
with the worthies of Pavonia, who, little n
ing the guileful fcene before them, drifted
on, until they were aroufed by an uncommc
ing and agitation of their vefiels. For now
dimpling current began to brawl around them
waves to boil and foam with horrific fury. A

*4#r4ft if from a dream, the aftonifhed Oloffe
aloud td put about, but his words were loi
the roaring of the waters. And now enfued
of direful confternation — at one time they wei
with 'dreadful velocity, among tumultuous b
at another hurried down boifterous rapids,
they were nearly dafhed upon the Hen and Ch

-(infamous rocks! — more voracious then Scy
her whelps) and anon they feemed finking intc
ing gulphs, that threatened to entomb them 1
the waves. All the elements combined to j
a hideous confufion. The waters raged — the
bowled — and as they were hurried along, fevers

NEW-YORK. 101

aftonifhed mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the
neighbouring fliores, driving through the air !

At length the mighty tub of commodore Van
lortlandt was drawn into the vortex of that tremen-
dous whirlpool called the Pot, where it was whirled
about in giddy - mazes, until the fenfes of the gpod
commander and his crew, were overpowered by the
borror of the fcene, and the ftrangenefs of the re-
volution.

How the gallant fquadron of Pavonia was fnatched
from the jaws of this modern Chary bdis, has never
Wen truly made known, for fo many furvived to tell
die tale, and, what is dill more wonderful, told it in
to many different ways, that there has ever prevailed a
great variety of opinions on the fubject.

As to the commodore and his crew, when they came
to. their fenfes they found themfelves ftranded on the
Long Ifland more. The worthy commodore indeed,
ufed to relate many and wonderful (lories of his adven-
tures in this time of peril, which, by his account, did far
exceed those of the fage Ulyffes, in the (traits of
Charybdis. For he faw fpectres flying in the air,
and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his
hand into the pot when they were whirled around, and
found the water fcalding hot, and beheld feveral un-
couth looking beings feated on rocks and fkimming
k with huge ladles — but particularly he declared with
peat exultation, that he faw the loffel porpoifes, which

>

Htstfomr a*

had betrayed tftert into this peril, foihe fo
the Gridiron and others hiding in the Fryinj
Thefe, however, Were tonfidered by tnin
phantafifcs of the cofnmddore's infiagination,
lay in a trance; tfffecially as he #as knc
given to dreaming ; afid the truth of them
been clearly ascertained. It is certaih, hov
to the accounts of Oloffe and his followe
traced the various traditions handed dow
marvellous ftrait — as how the devil has 1
there, fitting aftride of the Hog's back and
the fiddle— how he btoil* fifli thdrfe befor
and many other ftofies, in Which we thud t
df putting too much faith. In confeque
thefe terriffic circumftances, the Pavonhn
er gave this pafe the nartie of Helle-gat y 01
been interpreted, Hell-gale ,* Which it co
bear at the preterit day.

* This is a narrow strait in the sound* at the di
miles abbVfe New- York. It is dangerous to shipping,
the care of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks
whirlpools. Thefte have received sundry appellations
gridiron, fr^ringpan-, hog's back, pot, &c. and are ver
turbulent at certain times of tide. Certain wise men
tnese modern 'days have softened the above characters
IfnrtJgirte, which mean! nothing i Heave tbem to g
etymology. The name as given by our author is supj
iftfy in VaWder Dorick's history, poblishcd in 1656-
hisfory of Aoierica, 1671— as also by a journal still ei
in the 1 6th. century, and to be found in Hazard's ■
And an old M fc. written in French, sfteaking of vario
in names about this city observes, <( De Hellc-gat tro
oift fait Hell-gate. Porte d'Enfer."

* KEW-YOBK. lOi

CHAP. V.

Bow the heroes of Communipaw returned some*
. what wiser than they went — and how the sage
Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he
■ dreamed.

The darknefs of night had clofed upon this difas-
trous day, and a doleful night was it to the (hip-
wrecked Pavonians, whofe ears were inceflantly af-
filed with the raging of the elements) and the howl*
fog of the hobgoblins that infefted this - perfidious
ftraight. But when the morning dawned, the horrors
of the preceding evening had pafled away *, rapids,
breakers, and whirlpools had difappeared, the ftream
again ran fmooth and dimpling, and haying changed
its tide, rolled gently back, towards the quarter where
lay their much regretted home.

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each
other with rueful countenances; their fquadron had
been totally difperfed by the late difafter. Some were
caft upon the wdftern fhore, where, headed by one
Ruleff Hopper, they took poffeffion of all the country
lying about the fix mile ftpne; which is held by the
Hoppers at this prefent writing.

The Waldrons were driven by ftrefs of weather, to
a diftant coaft, where, having with them a jug of
genuine' Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate thfc

11 *

ito mfefcoftY air

lavages, fetting up a kind of tavern ; from whence*
it is faid, did fpring the fair town of Haerlem, in
which their descendants have ever fince continued to
fee reputable publicans. As to the Suydams, they
Xrere thrown upon the Loitg4fland doaft, and nay
ftill be found in thofe parts. But the mod fingular
luck attended the great Ten Broeck, who, falling
overboard, was miraculoufly preferved from finking
by the multitude of his tether .garments. ThustHioy-
«d up, he floated on -the waves, like a 'itieribrfh, uritfl
he fended fafely oh a rock, where %e wte fouiiS ffle
fiext nkttnirig, bufify drying his many beeches ki^fe
&n-fbfcie.

I forbear to treat of the long iconfultation oT^otfr
^adventurers— -how they determined that it would ndt
tkrto found a city in this diabolical iieighbotffhood—
fend how at length, with fear sand trtfinb&ijr, fl&f
Ventured once more upon the <bririy -element, ahfl
(leered their courfe back for Communipaw. Suffice
♦it, in Ample brevity, to fay, that after toiling back
through the fcenes of their yefteridayVvoyage, -Aey
•at length opened the fouthem point of Mantia-hata,
•and gained a ttiftantYiew of thek beloved Comtnunt-
*ptw.

And here they were oppofed by an obftinate *88y,
that refilled all the efforts of the e*hauft6d hrtfiners.
'Weary and difpirited, they could no longer make head
^againft the power of the tide, or rather, as fomewS
•have it, of old Neptune, who, anxious tovgukfetkttft

KEW-TOW. i<tf

to* fpot, wh&eon fiioutd be founded his ftrong bold
fa this weftern world, font half a fcore of potent bil-
lows, Tthat retted the tub of commodore Van Kort-
btedt iifgh *nd<lry on die Chores of Manna-hata.

HaVfeg thus in * manner been guided by fuperna-
ti&Sl powttr to *his deiigbtfome ifland, their firft osfe
was*t> Bgjht * fire a;t the foot of a large tree, that
ftodd upon the point at prefent called the battery.
Tttutti ^gathering together great (tore of oy Iters which
abounded on the fliore, and emptying the contents df
ifcfeir ^wallets, ffbey prepared and made a fumptuous
Wunoilrapaft. The worthy Van Kortlandt was ob-
served -to be particularly zealous in his devotions to
-Aetrenchttr; for having the cares *rf the expedition
«fpechtty committed to his care, he deemed it in-
'<canibe&t on him« to *at profoundly for the public good,
in proportion as he filled himfelf to die very brim with
the dainty viands before him, did the heart of this
excellent Sutghdrfcem to rifeup towards his throat,
tuntQ ihe feenied crammed and almoft choked .with
!gdod mating and 'good nature. And at fuch times it
j», when tt sari's heart is in his throat, that he may
tawe .truly be li^^to ^fpeak ftom it, and his fpee*hes
abound with fcintinefs and good fellowfhip. Thus
ithe-wwrhy Okffie having (wallowed the laft poffibte
todrftl, -^nd wafiied it down -with a fervent potation,
4At Bis ifeart yearning, and his whole frame in «
warmer dilating with unbounded-benevolence. Evevy
4h«rg aiouttdihim deemed excellent -and ^delightful*

106 HISTOBY OT

and, laying his hands on each fide of his capaciouff
.periphery, and rolling his half clofed eyes around ok.
.the beautiful diverfity of land and water before him r
he exclaimed, in a fat half fmothered voice, " what s»
charming profpect !" The words died away in his
throat — he feemed to ponder on the fair fcene for a.
moment — his eye-lids heavily clofed over their orbs— —
his head drooped upon his bofom — he flowly funk
upon the green turf, and a deep fleep dole gradually
upon him.

And the fage Oloffe dreamed a dream — and lo, the
. good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the
. trees, in that felf fame waggon wherein he brings his
yearly prefents to children; and he came and descend-
ed hard by where the heroes of Gommunipaw had
. made their late repaft. And the fhrewd Van Kortlandt
knew him by his broad hat, his long pipe and the
. refemblance which he bore to the figure on the bow
of the Goede Vrouw. And he lit his pipe by the
.fire, and he fathimfelf down and fmoked; and as he
fmoked the fmoke from his pipe afcended into the
air and fpread like a cloud over head. And thefage
. Oloffe bethought him, and he haftened and climbed
up to the top of one of the tailed trees, and fa w that
: the fmoke fpread over a great extent of country— and
as he confidered it more attentively, he fancied that
the great volume of fmoke aflumed a variety of. mar-
vellous forms, where in dim obfcurity he faw fliadow-
edout palaces and domes and lofty fpires, all which

*EW-*0*X. tor

Med but * tmmem, and then faded away, untH the
whole tolled off and nothing but the g ree n wood*
w«te left. And when St. Nicholas had fmoked his
ftp6 f "he twifted it m hfe hat band, and laying his
finger befide his nofe gave the aftonifhed Van Kort-
landt a very fignificant look, then mounting his wag-
gon he returned oyer the tree tops and difappeared.

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his fleep greatly
inftructed, and he aroufed his companions and rela-
ted to them his dream; and interpreted it, that it was
the will of St. Nicholas that they (hould fettle down
and build the city here. And that the (moke of the
pipe was a type how raft (hould be the extent of the
city; inasmuch as the volumes of its fmoke (hould
fpread over a vaft extent of country. And they all
with one voice aflented to this interpretation excepting
Mvnher Ten Broeck, who declared the meaning to
be that it (hould be a city wherein a little fire (hould
occafion a great fmoke, or in other words, a very
vapouring little city — both which interpretations havfc
ftrangely came to pafs !

The great object of their perilous expedition there-
fore, being thus happily accorhpliflied, the voyager*
returned merrily to Communipaw, where they were
received with great rejoicings. And here calling a
general meeting of all the wife men and the dignita-
ries of Pavonia they related the whole hiftory of their
Voyage and of the dream of Oloffe Van Kortlandt.
And the people lifted up their voices and Meffed the

iOS HISTORY •*

good St Nicholas, and from that time forth
Van Kortlandt was held in more honour th
for his great talent at dreaming, and was pr
ed a mod ufeful citizen and a right good
when he was afleep.

I

>£W-T0RK.- 10t

CHAP. VL

Containing an attempt at etymology — and of the
founding of the great city of JVcw-JLmster-
dam.

The original name of the ill and wherein the fqua-
dron of Communipaw was thus propitioufly thrown,
is a matter of fome difpute, and has already under-
gone confiderable vitiation — a melancholy proof of the
inftability of all fublunary things, and the vanity of all
our hopes of lading fame; for who can expect his
name will live to pofterity, when even the names of
mighty iflands are thus foon loft i n contradiction
and uncertainty !

The name mod current at the prefent day, and
which is likewife, countenanced by the great his-
torian Vander Donck, is Manhattan; which is faid
to have originated in a cuftom among the fquaws, in
the early fettlement, of wearing men's hats, as is ftill
done among many tribes. " Hence," as are told by
an old governor who was fome what of a wag, and
flouriflied ilmoft a century fince, and had paid
a vifit to the wits of Philadelphia " Hence arofe
the apellation of man-hat-on, firft given to the Indi-
ans, and afterwards to the ifland" — a ftupid jokgf
—but well enough for a governor.

1£0 WVOftY 0*

Among the more venerable fources of informatioi
on this fubject, is that valuable hiftory of the Ameri
can poffeffions, written by Mafter Richard Blome ii
1687, # wherein it is called Manhadaes and Mana
lianent •, nor muft I forget the excellent little book
full of precious matter, of that authentic Wftorian
John Joffelyn, Gent. f who exprefsly calls itManadaes

Another etymology dill more ancient, and fanction-

-ed by the countenance of our ever to be dameotet

vDutch anceftors, is that found in certain letters Hal

-extant - 9 % which patted between the early governor)

-and their neighbouring powers, wherein it is calle*

^indifferently Monhattoes— Munhatos and Manhattoes

which are evidently unimportant variations of the fame

name ; for our wife forefathers fat little ftore .by thole

niceties either in orthography or orthoepy, which

form the fole ftudy and ambition of many learned

men and women of this hypercritical age. This laft

name is faid to be derived from the great Indian fpkil

Manetho; who was fuppofed to make this ifland his

favourite abode on account of its uncommon delights.

Tor the Indian traditions affirm that the bay was. once

«a tranflucid lake, filled with filver and golden, fifli, in

the midft of which lay this beautiful ifland, covered

with every variety of fruits and flowers; but that the

■*Tfiis history is to be found in the library of the New-Yorlcffi^

: torical Society ^- r

i Idem. /Mi

; Vide Hazard's Col. SCat Pap. J. -'W

■'

Ml

taipttM ff the Hudfei tad **fte thtfe fedUS*
i*, and Jfenetfca t**dite4i#* teyori Ae
afra of Ontario.

?, bpwevtr* aw febutaMtt fagwdfc to wUbk
#*>& sredesse *mft b* «*r w% s»d*Uho*gH
fog tp Admit the feft fMteJ artbograpby of
ne # #b very fwkable for fto(p 9 yet is there
qbc fowled mi ftitt meer ancient and jndift
authority, whiefc I |**aicniar*y delight in, fern*
t it is at once poetkaf, jnefodieua and fignifi*
lid this is recorded in the befiett mentioned
of the great Hodipa, .written by nwfter, Jpet|
yarly and correctly 6dls k ALu*KA^HAT*~~that
r, the tfland of Manna, «r m^jtfwr worda*-^* a
wing with milk and 'honey 1° ■ .
iving been folemnly refolved that -the feat of
fhouid be transferred from the green ibome of
i, to thifi delectable ifbod, a raft multitude em*
.and migrated acrofa theinouthirf theHudfo^
ifae guidance, of Qkifie (he Dreamer, mfho jrfas
lad protector or fntrqo0 to Ae anr fattiementt
it&e let me bear teftimony <to the mateHeft
r *u»d magnanimity <* •*»* worthy forefoAei^
pgh»fe4 the foil of tbfe natfcre Indians, before
g a tingle roof v a oiatmftrace fingnhur and al*
qemdible in the jtftwds df difeotery and-coloni*

§

firft Jfcttfement was made on the fouthweft,
tf tte jihad* antl* Wfyifotwbae the gad?
• i. »S

Ht HISTORY 01 1

St. Nicholas had appeared in the dream. Here they
built a mighty and impregnable fort and trading houfe,
called Fort Amsterdam, which ftood on that emi-
nence at prefent occupied by the cuftom-houfe, with
the open fpace now called the bowling green, in front

Around this potent fortrefs was foon feen a nu-
merous progeny of little Dutch houfes, with tiled
roofs, all which feemed molt lovingly to neftle under
its walls, like a brood of half fledged chickens flicker-
ed under the wings of the mother hen. The whole
was furrounded by an enclofure of ftrong pallifedoes,
to guard againft any fudden irruption of the favages
who wandered in hordes about the fwamps, and for-
efts, that extended over thofe tracts of country at pre-
fent called Broadway, Wall-ftreet, William-ftreet, and
Pearl-ftreet.

No fboner was the colony once planted than it tpok
root and throve amazingly, for it would feem that
this thrice favoured ifland is like a munificent dung-
hill, where every foreign weed finds kindly nourifh-
ment, and foon (hoots up, and expands to greatnefs.
* And now the infant fettlement having advanced in
age and ftature, it was thought high time it fhould
receive an honeft Chriftian name, and it was accord-
ingly called New-Amsterdam. It is true there were
feme advocates for the original Indian name, aad
many of the bed writers of the province did long con-
tinue to call it by the title of « The Manhattoes/* b«t
this was difcountenanced by the authorities, as beinfc

NEW-TOM. 115

heathenifh and favage. Befides, it was confidered an
excellent and praifeworthy meafure to name it after a
great city of the old world ; as by that means it was
induced to emulate the greatnefs and renown of its
name fake — in the manner that little fnivelling urchins
are called after great ftatefmen, faints and worthies^
and renowned generals of yore, upon which they all
induftrioufly copy their examples, and come to be very
mighty men in their day and generation.

The thriving ftate of the fettlement, and the rapid
increase of houfes gradually awakened the good Oloffe
from a deep lethargy, into which he had fallen after
the building of the fort. He now began to think it
was time fopie plan fhould be devifed, on which the
increafing town fhould be built. Summoning, there-
fore, his counsellors and coadjutors together, they took
pipe in mouth, and forthwith funk into a very found
deliberation on the fubject.

At the very outfet of the bufinefs an unexpected
difference of opinion arofe, and I mention it with
much forrowing, as being the firft altercation on re-*
cord in the councils of New-Amfterdam. It was
a breaking forth of the grudge and heartburning,
that had exifted between thofe two eminent burghers,
Mynhers Tenbroeck and Hardenbroeck, ever fince their
unhappy altercation on the coaft of Bellevue. The
great Hardenbroeck had waxed very wealthy and pow>
erful, from his domains, which embraced the whole
chain of Apulean mountains' that, ftretch along the

11* HISTORY *t

gulf of Kip's Bay, and froto part of which hit
cendants have been expelled in latter ages, fr
powerful clans of the Jones's and the Sctjlktaeri:
An ingenious plan for the city was Offered by !
her TenbrOeck, who propofed that k (hould be c
and interfected by canals, after the manner o
inoft admired cities in Holland. To this M'

4

Hardenbroeck was diametrically oppofed* fuggefti
place thereof that they {hould run out dock*
wharves* by means of piles, driven into the tw
of the river, on which the town {hould be built,
thcfe means, (aid he triumphantly, {hall we rei
confideraUe fpace of territory from thefe imi
rivers, and build a city that {hall rival Amftei
Venice, or any amphibious city in Europe. T<
proportion, Ten Broeck (or Ten breeches) re
with a look. of as much fcorn as he could poffib
fume. He caft the utmoft cenfure upon the pi
his antagonist, as being prepofterous, and again
very order of things, as he would leave to ever
Hollander. « For what/' faid he, «ba town
out canals ? — it is like a body without veins ar
teries, and muft perifh for want of a free circu
of the vital fluid."— Tough breeches, on the con
retorted with a farcafm upon his antagonift, wh<
fomewhat of an arid, dry boned habit; he rem?
that as to the circulation of the blood being nee
to exiftence, Mynher Ten breeches was a living
tradktbn to his own «ffertion; for every body 1

tfBW-YOBK. 115

b had not a drop of blood circulated through
wind dried carcafe for good ten years, and yet
e was not a greater bufy body in the whole colony,
bnalities have feldom much effect in making con*
i in argument — nor hare I ever feen a man con-
ed of error, by being convicted of deformity. At
fuch was not the cafe at prefent. Ten Breeches
very acrimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches;
► was a fturdy little man, and never gave up the
word, rejoined with increafing fpirit — Ten Breech-
ad the advantage of the greateft volubility, but
igh Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in
iment called obftinacy — Ten Breeches had, there*
, the mod: mettle, but Tough Breeches the bed
:om— fo that though Ten Breeches made a dread-
clattering about his ears, and battered and bela-
red him with hard words and found arguments,
Tough Breeches hung on mod refolutely to the
They parted, therefore, as is ufual in all ar-
lents where both parties are in the right, without
ling to any conclufion — but they hated each ether
1 heartily forever after* and a fimilar breach with
: between the houfes of Capulet and Montague,
enfue between the families of Ten Breeches and
igh Breeches,

; would not fatigue my reader with thefe dull mat-
; of fact, but that* iriy duty as a faithful hiftoriari,
uires that I Ihould be particular— and in truth,' as
n now treating j)f the critical period^ when our

12 *

ft

116 HISTO&Y OF

city, like a young twig, firft received the twifts
turns, that have fince contributed to give it the
feat picturefque irregularity for, which k id ceWna
I cannot be too minute in detailing their firft caui
After the unhappy altercation I have juft merit
ed, I do not find that any thing further was fak
the fubject worthy of being recorded. The oou
confiding of the laigeft and oldeft heads kx the t
smtnity, met regularly once a week* to ponder on
momentous fubject. — But either they were dele
thy the war of words they had witnefied* or they i
naturally averfe to the eiercife of the tongue*
the ponfequent eaercife of the brains — certain
the moft profound filence was maintained the <
tion as ufual lay on the table— <the members qn
forked their pipes, making but few . laws, wit
ever enforcing any, and in the mean time the «
of the Settlement went en — as it pleafed God. .
As moft of the council were but little fittUed b

1 myftery of combining pot hooks and hangers*
determined moft judicioufly not to puzzle either tl
felves or pofterity with voluminous records. Th
cretary, however, kept the minutes of the co
with tolerable precifion, in a large vellum folio, fa
ed with mafiy brafs clafps; the journal of each i
ing confifted but of two line*, dating in Dutch,
« the council (at this day, and fmoked twelve f

, on the affairs of the colony. 99 — By which k ap

that the &ft fetttas 4ft not regulate their tun

i

KEW-TOftK. 117

hours, but pipes, in the fame manner as they mea-
fure diftances in Holland at this very tiipe \ an ad-
mirably exact meafurement, as a pipe in the mouth of
a true bom Dutchman is never liable to thole acev-
dents and irregularities that are continually putting
our clocks out of order.

-In this manner did the profound council of Nrw-
AurrtMSum fmoke, and doae, and ponder, from
to week, month to month, and year to year, in
manner they fhould conftruct their infant fettle*
while, the town took cart of iffelf, anal
fite a flavdy brat which is fufiened to run about wild,
ttttflndded by douts and bandages, and other abomi*
nations by which your notable nurfes and fage old
women <crip pi e and disfigure the children of men, hw
oraafed £» ctpkUy in ftrength and magnitude, that be-
fore she fconeft bnrgomaAers had determined upon a
plan, it was too late to pot it in execution— where<>
upon tfaaywifely abandoned the fubject altogether.

lift BI8T0KT •*

chap. vn.

>

How the City 6f New-Amsterdam waxed gret
under the protection of Oloffe the Dreamer.

There is fomething exceedingly delufive in thi
looking back, through the long vifta of departed year
and catching, a glimpfe of the fairy realms of ant
quity that lie beyond. Like fome goodly landfcaj
melting into diftance, they receive a thoufand charn
from their very obfcurity, an4 the fancy delights to £
up their outlines jnrith graces and excellencies of i
own creation. Thus beam on my imagination tho;
happier days of our city, when as yet New-Amfterdai
was a mere paftoral town, fhrouded in groves of S]
camore and Willows, and furrounded by tracklefs foi
efts and wide fpreading waters, that, feemed to fliu
out all the cares and vanities of a wicked, world. ,

In thofe days did this embryo city prefent the rai
and noble fpectacle of a community governed with
out laws ; and thus being left to its own courfe, an
the foftering care of providence, increaied as rapid!
as though it had been burthened with a dozen pan
niers full of thofe fage laws that are ufually heap*
on the backs of young cities — in order to make then
grow. And in this particular I greatly admire thi
wifdom and found knowledge of human nature, dif
played by the fage Oloffe the Dreamer, and his fellc*

jrEw-Tomk. 1M

giflators* For my part I tare not fo bad an opinion
t mankind as many of my brother philofophers. I

not think poor human nature fo ferry a piece of
rorkmanfhip as they would ma*e it out to be; and

1 far at I hare obferved, I am fully fatisfied that man,
f left to hirafelf, would about as readily go right as
rfong. It k only this eternally founding in his ears
bt k is his duty to go right, that makes him go the
try reverie. The noble independence of Ins nature
erolts at this intolerable t y r ann y of law, and the per*
etnal interference of officious morality, which is ever
efetting his path with finger pofts and directions to
'keep to die right, as the law directs;" and like a
pirited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and gaU
>ps through mud and mire, oyer hedges and ditches,
terely to fhow that he is a lad of fpirit, and out of
at leading firings. And thefe opinions are amply
ibftantiated by what i have above faid of our worthy
oceftors ; who never being be-preached and be-lec*
red, and guided and governed by ftatutes and laws
id bye-laws, as are their more enlightened defcencU
its, did one and all demean themfelves honeftly and
saceaMy, out of pure ignorance, or in other words—
»caufe they knew no better.

N&r muft I omit to record, one of the earlieft mea-
ires of this infant Settlement, inafmuch as it (hews
le piety of our forfathers, and that, like good chris.
ans, they were always ready to ferve God, after
ley had firft ferved themfelves. Thus, having qui*

Rirromr •*

Jgpfctded themfelves down, and provided
own comfort, they bethought themfelves 'of
their gnrtitnde tothijpreat and good St.
for his protecting owe, in guiding them to
table abode. ' To. this end they built a fair s
chapel within the. fort,' wtych they confecr
name $' whereupon he immediately tooktt
New-Amfterdam, lender Ins peculiar patrc
he has evert fince been, and I devoutly hop
be, the tutelar (sunt of this excellent city.

I am moreover told that there is a little
book, fomewhere extant, written in low Du
(ays, that the image of this renowned fa
'whilome graced (he bowfprit of the Goe«
was elevated in front of this chapel, in the
of what, in modern days, is called th
Green. And the legehd^iarther treats
miracles wrought by die mighty pipe, whic
held in his mouth; a whiff of which was :
cure for an indigeftion— an invaluable reli<
colony of brave trenchermen. As, howet
of thetitaooft diligent iearch, I cannot lay
upon this 4htle book,. I muft confefs that
confiderable doubt on the fubject.

Thttsfenignly fbftered by the* good St
the burghers of New-Amfterdam 'beheld 1
ment increa/e in magnitude and populs
foon become the metropolitof divers fettlem
•x toafcve ter^ory. Already had the difaf

tf colonies and dependencies, thofe banes of a found
kearted empire, entered into their imaginations ; and
Fort Aurania on the Hudfon, Fort Naffau on the Del-
aware, and Fort Goede Hoep on the Connecticut ri*
m, feemed to be the darling offspring of the venerable
council.* Thus profperoufly, to all appearance, did
4e province of New-Netherlands advance in pow$r|
ad the early hiftory of its metropolis, prefents a fair
page, unfullied by crjme or calamity.

Hordes of painted favages ftill lurked about the

tangled forefts and rich bottoms of the unfettJed part

Of the Ifland — the hunter pitched his rude bower of

ftins and bark befide the rills that ran through the copl

3nd fhady glens, while here and there might be feen

on fome funny knoll, a group of Indian wigwams,

whofe fmoke arofe above the neighbouring trees and

floated in the tranfparent atmofphere. By degrees a

mutual goodwill had grown up, between thefe wan-

lering beings and the burghers of New-Amfterdam.

Our benevolent forefathers endeavoured as much as

* The province, about this time, extended on the north to Fort
Itirania, or Orange (now. the city of Albany), situated about
160 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed the province claimed
juite to the river St. Lawrence % but this claim was nut much
osrsted oil at the time, as the country -bey oud .Fort Aurania was
I perfect wilderness. On the south the province reached to Fort
Nassau, on the south river,, since called the Delaware — and on the
*ast it extended to the Varshe (or fresh) river, now the Connecticut.
Do this last frontier was likewise erected a Fort and trading house,
much about the spot where at present is situated the pleasant
town of Hartford. This was called Fort Goed Hoep, (or Good Hope)
and was intended as well for the purpose of trade, as of defence.

f%t HitTomr o*

poflihle to ameliorate their fituatioB, by ghriog tb
gin, rum, and gbft beads, in exchange far di
peltries ; for it feems the kind hearted Dutchmen 1
•conceived a great friendfhip for their fairage neigbbot
on account of their being plea&nt men to trade wi
and little {killed iu the art of making a bargain.

Now and then a crew of thefe half human font
the foreft would make their appearance in the ftreea
New-Amfterdam, fautafticatly painted and. decora
with beads and flaunting feathers, fauntering ab
with an atr of liftleft; indiirerenoe— -fometimea Jn
market-place, inftructing die little Dutch boys in
u£e of the bow and arrow — at other time*, inflaa
with liquor, fwaggering and whooping and yell
about the town like fo masy fiends, to the great <
may of all the good wives, who would hurry tl
children into the houfe, faften the doors, and thr
water upon the enemy from the garret windows,
is worthy of mention here, that our forefathers w
wry particular m holding up thefe wild men as
cellent domeftic examples — and for reafons that n
be gathered from the hiftory of maimer Qgilvie, *
tells us, that "for the leaft offence the bridegro
foundly beats his wife and turns her put of doc
and marries another, infomuch that fome of th<
have every year a new wife." Whether this awful
ample had any influence or not, hiftory does not m
tion; but it is certain that our grandmothers w
miracles of fidelity and obedience.

r ^NEW-YORK. 123

«

True it is, that the good underftanding between
ear anceftors and their favage. neighbours, was liable to
:tccafional interruptions, and I have heard my grand-
mother, who was a very wife old woman, and well
verfed in the hiftory of thefe parts, tell a long ftory, of
a winter's. evening, about a battle between the New-
Amfterdammers and the Indians, which was known
. by the name of the Peach war, and which took place
near a peach orchard, in a dark glen, which for a
.long while went by the name of Murderer's valley.
I The legend of this Sylvan . war was long current
I* among the nurfes, old wives and other ancient chron-
iclers of the place ; but time and improvement have
almoft obliterated both the tradition and the fcene of

battle ; for what was once the blood ftained valley is
now in the centre of this populous city and known
by the name of Dey-Jtreet.

The accumulating wealth and confequepce of New-
Amfterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened
the tender folicitude of the mother country; who
finding it a thriving and opulent colony, and that it
promijtd .to yield great profit, and no trouble, altat
once became wonderfully anxious about its fafety,
and- began to load it with tokens of regard, in the
lame manner that your knowing people are fure to
overwhelm rich relations with their affection an$l
loving-kindnefs.

The ufual marks of protection (hown by mother
countries, to wealthy colonies, were forthwith mam-

VOL. I. 13

124 " HISTORY OF, &C.

fcfted— the firfl care always being to fend rulers to
the new fettlement, with orders to fqueeze as much
revenue from it as it will yield- Accordingly in the
year of our Lord, 1629, Mynher Wouter Yam
Twiller, was appointed governor of the province
ef Nieuw-Nederlandts, under the commiffion and coiw
troul of their High Mightinefles, the Lords States
General of the United Netherlands, and the prro*
leged Weft-India Company,

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New-2\m*
fterdam in the merry month of June, the fweetefi
month in all the year •, when Dan Apollo Deems to
dance up the tranfparent firmament — when the So*
bin, the thrufh and a thoufand other wanton fbngfters
make the woods to refound with amorous ditties,
and the luxurious little boblincon revels among the
clover bloflbms of the meadows — all which happy
coincidence perfuaded the old dames of New-Am-
fterdam, who were fkilled in the art of foretelling
events, that tins was to be a happy and profperous
adminiftration.

But as it would be derogatory to the confluence
of the firft Dutch governor of the gjeat province of
Nieuw-Nederltndts to be thus fcurvily introduced
at the end of Chapter, I will put an end to this fe-
Cond book of my hiftory, that I may ufher him m
with more dignity in the beginning of my next.

END .0* BOOK lit

BOOK III.

In which it recorded the golden reign of Wouttc

Van T wilier.

CHAP. L

$ftkt Renowned Wouler Van Twiller, Mb unpa*
tatUltd tiHues^as likewise his unutterable wis-
iem fo the law tarn of Wandle Sehoonhoveii
and tta#ent Bteecker-^and \he great admiration
of the public thereat.

Grjevo&s and very much to be commiferated is
die taik of the feeling hiftorian, who writes the his-
tory of his native land. If it fall -to his lot to be the
fed recorder of calamity or crime! the mournful page
it watered with his tears— nor can he recall the tnoft
prosperous and blifsful era, without a melancholy figh
at the reflection, that it has palled away for ever! I
know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love
fro the fimpiicity of former times, or to that certain
tendernefs of heart incident to all fentimental hifto-
rian* ; but I candidly confefs that I cannot look back
on the happier days of our cky, which I now defcribe,
without a fad dejection of the fpirits, With a faltering-

126 NEW-TOHK.

d

hand do I writhdraw the curtain of oblivion, that veils ■?
the modeft merit of our venerable anceftors, and ai i
tlieir figures rife to my mental vifion, humble myfcli '■„
before the mighty (hades. '?

Such are my feelings when I revifit the family matt* '.
fionof the Knickerbockers, and fpend a lonely hour ^
in the chamber where hang the portraits of my fore* •
fathers, ftirouded in duft, like the forms they re- "
prefent. With pious reverence do I gaze on the
countenances of thofe renowned burghers, who have
preceded me in the fteady march of exiftence— who&
fober and temperate blood now meanders through my
veins, flowing flower and flower in its feeble conduits,
until its current (hall foon be (topped for ever !

Thefe, fay I to myfelf, are but frail memorials of
the mighty men who flouriftied in the days of the pa*
triarchs •, but who, alas, have long fince mouldered in
that tomb, towards which my fteps ate infenfibly and
irrefiftibly haftening ! As I pace the darkened cham-
ber and lofe myfelf in melancholy mufmgs, the (ha-
dowy images around me almoft feem to fteglonce
more into exiftence — their countenances to aflame
the animation of life — their eyes to purfue me fa
every movement! carried away by the delufions of
fancy, I almoft imagine myfelf furrounded by the
(hades of the departed, and holding fweet converfe
with the worthies of antiquity! Ah, haplefs Die*
drich ! born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the
bufFettings of fortune — a ftranger and a weary pilgrim

irew-Yomt* 127

fa thy native land — Weft with no weeping wife, nor
family of helpkfs children; but doomed to wander
. aegiected through thofe crowded ftreets, and elbowed
by foreign upftarts from thofe fair abodes where once
thine anceftors held fovereign empire.

Let me not, however, lofe the hiftorian in the man,
•or fuflfer the doating recollections of age to\>vercome
He, while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtu-
eos days of the patriarchs — on thofe fweet days of
Implicity and eafe, which never more will dawn on
the lovely ifland of Manna-hata f

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller,
was defcended from a long line of Dutch burgo-
■lafters, who had fucceflively dozed away their lives
and grown fat upon the bench of magiftracy in Rot-
terdam* and who had comported themfelves with
fbch lingular wifdom and propriety, that they were
■ever either heard or talked of — which, next to being
mnirerfally applauded, fhould be the object of ambi-
tion of all fage magiftrates and rulers.

His furname of Twiller, is faid to be a corruption
af the original Twijflcr, which in Englifh means
detdter; a name admirably defcriptive of his deliber-
ative habits. For though he was a man, flmt up with-
in himfelf like an oyfter, and of fuch a profoundly
reflective turn, that he Icarcely ever fpoke except hi
monofyllables, yet did he never make up his mind
en any doubtful point. This was clearly accounted
for by his adherents, who affirmed that he always con-

13 *

1£S HISTORY OF

ceived every fubject on fo comprehenfive a fcale, that
he had not room in his head to turn it over and ex-
amine both fides of it, fo that he always remained in
doubt, merely in confequence of the aftonifhing mag-
nitude of his ideas !

There are two oppofite ways by which fome men
get into notice— one by talking a vaft deal and think-
ing a little, and the other by holding their tongues
and not thinking at all. By the firft many a vapour-
ing fuperficial pretender acquires the .reputation of a
man of quick parts — by the other many a vacant dun-
derpate, like the owl, the ftupideft of birds, conies
to be complimented,, by a difcerning world, with all
the attributes of wifdom. This, by the way, is a
mere cafual remark, which I would not for'the uni-
verfehave it thought I apply to Governor Van Twiller.
On the contrary, he was a very wife Dutchman, foi
he never faid a foolifh thing — and of fuch invincible
gravity, that he was never known to laugh, or even
to fmile, through the courfe of a long and profperous
life. Certain, however, it is, there never was a mat-
ter propofed, however fimple, and on which your com-
mon narrow minded mortals would rafhly determine
at' the firft glance, but what the renowned Wputei
put on a mighty myfterious, vacant kind of look,
{hook his capacious head, and having fmoked for five
minutes with redoubled earneftnefs, fagely obfervedj
that « he had his doubts about the matter"— which in

NEW-YOUK« 129

proceft of time gained him the character of a man
flow of belief, and not eafily impofed on.

The perfon of this illuftrious old gentleman was at
regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as though
it had been moulded by the hands of fome cunning
Dutch ftatuary, as a* model of majefty and lordly
grandeur. He was exactly five feet fix inches in
height, and fix feet five inches in circumference. His
bead was a perfect fphere, far excelling in magnitude
that of the great Pericles (who was thence waggifhly
called SchenocepbaluSy or onion head) — indeed, of fuch
ttupendous dimenfions was it, that dame nature her*
fetf, with all her fex's ingenuity, would have been
puzzled to conftruct a neck, capable of fupporting it;
wherefore {he wifely declined the attempt, and fettled
it firmly on the top of his back bone, juft between
the (boulders ; where it remained, as fnugly bedded
as a (hip of war in the mud of the Potowmac His
body was of an oblong form, particularly capacious at
bottom; which was wifely ordered by providence,
feeing that he was a man of fedentary habits, and
very averfe to the idle labour of walking. His legs,
though exceeding (hort, were fturdy in proportion to
die weight they had to fuftain ; fo that when erect
he had not a little the appearance of a robuftious beer
barrel, (landing on (kids. His face, that infallible in-
dex of the mind, prefented a vaft expanfe perfectly
enfurrowed or deformed by any of thofe lines and
angles, which disfigure the human countenance with

15* KI8T0BT 01

what is termed expreflton. Two (mail grey
twinkled feebly in the midft, like two ftar* of 1
magnitude, in a hazy firmament 9 and his full
cheeks, which feemed to hare taken toll of <
thing that went into his mouth, were curioufty
tied and (treated with duiky f*d, like a fpitzer
apple.

His habits were as regular as his perfon. He
took his four dated meals, appropriating exactl
hour to each) he fmoked and doubted eight h
and he flept the remaining twelve of the four
twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van 1
ler— a true philofopher, for his mind was eithei
vated above, or tranquilly fettled below, the earei
perplexities of this world. He had lived in ii
years, without feeling the leaft curiofity to 1
whether the fun revolved, round it, or it rounc
fun 4 and he had even watched for at leaft half a
tury, the fraoke curling from his pipe to the ce
without once troubling his head with any of
numerous theories, by which a philofopher v
have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its 1
above the furrounding atmofphere*

In his council he prefided with great ftate
folemnity. He fat in a huge chair of Solid oak t
in the celebrated foreft of the Hague, fabricate
an experienced Timmerman of Amfterdam, and
oufly carved about the arms and feet, into exact
tatkms of gigantic eagles' claws. Inftead of a fa

; NBW-YOBK* 131

ke fwayed a Jong Turkifli pipe, wrought with jafmin
and amber, which had been prefented to a ftadtholder
of Holland, at the conclufion of a treaty with one
of the petty Barbary powers. — In this (lately chair

^ would he fit, and this magnificent pipe would he
(moke, (baking his right knee with a conftant motion*
and fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print
ef Amfterdam, which hung in a black frame againft
die oppofite wall of the council chamber. Nay, it has

I even been faid, that when any deliberation of extraor-

! foary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the
renowned Wouter would abfolutely (hut his eyes for

1 foil two hours at a time, that he might not be diftut*
bed by external objects — and at fuch times the inter-
nal commotion of his mind, was evinced by certain
regular guttural founds, which his admirers declared
Were merely the noife of conflict, made by his con-
tending doubts and opinions.

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to
collect thefe biographical anecdotes of the great man
under confideration. The facts refpecting him were
(b fcattered and vague, and divers of them fo ques-
tionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to
give up the fearch after many, and decline the admis-
fiou of (till more, which would have tended to height-*
en the colouring of his portrait.

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the
perfon and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from
the confideration that he was not only the firft, but

15S HISTORY OV

alfo the beft governor thai evfer prefided over this s
cient and refptctabte province; and fo tranquil a
benevolent was his reign* that I do not find throng
out die whole of it, a fingle inftance of any ofietK
being brought to pumifcment:— a moft indubitable £
of a merciful governor, and a cafe unparalleled, <
ceptmg in the reign of the illuftrfcus King Log, fn
whom, it is hinted, the renowfted Van Twitter v
a lineal defcendant.

The very outfet of the career of this excellent n
giftrate, like that of Solomon, or to fpeak m
appropriately, like that of the Uluftrious governor
Barataria, was diftinguiftipd by an example of le
acumen, that gave flattering prefage of a wife 4
equitable adminiftration. The very morning af
he had been folemnly inftalled in office, and at 1
moment that he was making his breakfaft from a p
digious earthen difh, filled with milk and Indian pi
ding, he was fuddenly interrupted by the appearai
of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important <
burgher of New-Amfterdam, who complained 1
teriy of one Barent Bleecker, inafmuch as he f tt
dulently refufed to come to a fettlement of aceour
feeing that there was a heavy balance in favour of 1
faid Wandle. Governor Van TwiUer, as I have
ready obferved, was a man of few words, ho v
Ukewife a mortal enemy to multiplying writings
of being difturbed at his breakfaft. Having lifter
attentively to the ftatement of Wandle Schoonhov*

fl

an occasional grunt, as he (hpvejled a xgighty
1 of Indian pudding ijito bis noouthrr-ekher
1 that he reliihed the difh, pr comprehended
j — he called unto him his <?oaftable, aadpt&t

of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, d#->

it after the defendant as a, fiimmonf, accon>
by his tobacco box as a warrant. x

fummanary procefs was as effectual in tfeofe
lays, as was the feaj ring of the great HarpiMI
id, among the true believers— the two par*
sing confronted before him, eaqh produced a

accounts, written in a language and character
uldhave puzzled any but a high Dutch co#h
*, or a learned decypherer of Egyptian obelilka,
sftand. The fage Wouter took them one aftet
jr, and having poifed them in his hands, and
ely counted over the number of leaves, fell
ly into a very great doubt, and fmoked for half
r without faying a word ; at length, laying his
>efide his nofe, and {hutting his eyes for a mo*
with the air of a man who has juft caught a
dea by the tail, he flowly took his pipe from
mth, puffed forth a column of tobacco fmoke,
th marvellous gravity and folemnity pronounced

having carefully counted'over the leaves and
d the books, it was found, that one was juft
t and as heavy as the other — therefore it was
tl opinion of the court that the accounts were
f balanced— therefore Wandle fliould give Ba-

154 HISTORY 0*

rent a receipt, and Barent mould give Wandle a re-
ceipt — and the conftable fliould pay the cofts.

This decifion being ftraitway made known, diffu-
fed general joy throughout New-Amfterdam, for the
people immediately perceived, that they had a very
wife and equitable magiftrate to rule over diem*..
But its happieft effect was, that not another law fuit
took place throughout the whole of his adminiftra-
tion — and the office of conftable fell into fuch decay,
that there was not one of thofe loffel fcouts known
in the province for many years. I am the more par-
ticular in dwelling on this tranfaction, not only be-
caufe I deem it one of the mod fage and righteous
judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of
modern magiftrates, but becaufe it was a miraculous
event in the hiftory of the renowned Wouter — being
the only time he was ever known to come to a decifiofy
in the whole courfe of his life.

STEW-YOHK. 136

CHAP. II.

Containing some account of the grand Council of
- AVzc-dimiterdam, as also divers especial good
■ philosophical reasons xvhy an Mderman should
Izfal — zvilh other particulars touching the slate
• if tlie Province.

■

In treating of the early governors of the province,
Imuft caution my readers againft confounding them,
in point of dignity and power, with thofe worthy
gentlemen, who are whimfically denominated govern-
ors in this enlightened republic — a fet of unhappy
fictions of popularity, who are in fact the mod de-
pendant, hen-pecked beings in the community: doomed
to bear the ferret goadings and corrections of their
own party, and the fneers and revilings of the whole
world befide. — Set up, like geefe at Chriftmas holy-
days, to be pelted and fhot at by every whipfter and
vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the Dutch
governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority vefted
m all commanders of diftant colonies or territories.
They were in a manner, abfolute defpots in their
little domains, lording it, if fo difpofed, over both
law and gofpel, and accountable to none but the mo-
ther country ; which it is well known is aftonifhingly
deaf to all complaints againft its governors, provided
they difcharge the main duty of their ftation — fqueez-

YOL, I. lib

136 HISTORY Of

ing out a good revenue. This hint will be of import-
ance, to prevent my readers from being feized with
doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the courfe of
this authentic hi (lory, they encounter the uncommon
circumftance, of a governor acting with independ-
ence, and in oppofition to the opinions of the multi-
tude.

To affift the doubtful Wouter in the arduous bufi-
nefs of legiflation, a board of magiftrates was appoint-
ed, which prefided immediately over the police. This
potent body, confided of a fchout or bailiff, with
powers between thofe of the prefent mayor and ilieriff
— five burgermeefters, who were equivalent to alder-
men, and five fchepens, who officiated as fcrubs, fub-
devils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeefters, in the
fame manner as do affiftant aldermen to their princi-
pals at the prefent day ; it being their duty to fill the
pipes of the lordly burgermeefters — huutthe markets
for delicacies for. corporation dinners, and to difchargt
fuch other little offices of kindnefs, as were occafion-
ally required. It was, moreover, tacitly underftood,
though not fpecifically enjoined, that they mould con-
fider themfelves as butts for the blunt wits of the
burgermeefters, and fhould laugh moft heartily at all
their jokes; but this laft was a duty as rarely called
in action in thofe days as it is at prefent, and was
fhortly remitted, in confequence of the tragical death
of a fat little fchepen — who actually died of fuflbca-

NEW-YOHK.. 1S7

ton in an unfuccefsf ul effort to force a laugh, at one
tf burgermeefteT Van Zandt's bed jokes.

In return for thefe humble fervices, they were per-
mitted to fay yes and no at the council board, and to
hare that enviable privilege, the run of the public
kitchen — being gracioufly permitted to eat, and drink,
and fmoke, at all thofe fnug junkettings and public
gormandizings, for which the ancient magiftrates were
equally famous with their more modern fucccflbrs.
The pod of fchepen, therefore, like that of afliftant
■Merman, was eagerly coveted by all your burghers
of a certain description, who have a huge relifh for
good feeding, and an humble ambition to be great
men, in a fmall way — who third after a little brief
authority, that (hall render them the terror of the
alms houfe, and the bridewell — that (hall enable them
to lord it over obfequious poverty, vagrant vice, out-
caft proftitution, and hunger driven difhonefty — that
Hull place in their hands the lefTer, but galling fcourge
of the law, and give to their beck a hound-like pack
of catch poles and bum bailiffs — tenfold greater rogues
than the culprits they hunt down ! — My readers will
excufe this fudden warmth, which I confefs is un-
becoming of a grave hiftorian — but I have a mortal
antipathy to catch poles, bum bailiffs, and little great
men*

The ancient magiftrates of this city correfponded
with thofe of the prefent time no lefs in form, mag-
nitude and intellect^* than in prerogative and privi-

1SS HISTORY OF

lege. The burgomafters, like our aldermen, were
generally chofen by weight—and not only the weight
of the body, but likewife the weight of the head. It
is a maxim prcatically obferved in all honeft, plaift
thinking, regular cities, that an alderman fliould bt
fat— and the wifdom of this can be proved to a cer-
tainty. That the body is in fotre meafare an image
of the mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to
the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is
call, has been infifted on by many men of fcience,
who have made human nature their peculiar ftudy—
For as a learned gentleman of our own city obferves,
" there is a conftant relation between the moral cha-
racter of all intelligent creatures, and their phyfical
conftitution — between their habits and the ftructute
of their bodies." Thus we fee, that a lean, fpare,
diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a petu-
lant, reftleis, meddling mind — either the mind wean
down the body, by its continual motion ; or elfe the
body, not affording the mind fufficient houfe roonij
keeps it continually in a date of fretfulnefs, toffing
and worrying about from the uneafinefs of its fitua-
ation.. Whereas your round, fleek, fat, unwieldy
periphery is ever attended by a mind like itfeH*. trvti
quil, torpid, and at eafe; and we may always oWefvf)
that your well fed, robuftious burghers, are in general
very tenacious of their eafe and comfort j being great
enemies to noife, difcord, and di(turbance^-and lurel)
none are more likely to ftudy the public tranquillity

NEW-YORK. ±39

than thofe who are fo careful of their own — Who
ertr hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding to-
gether in turbulent mobs ? — no — no — it is your lean*
hungry men, who are continually worrying fociety,
fcnd fetting the whole community by the ears.

The divine Plato, whofe doctrines are not fuffi-
ciently attended to by philosophers of the prefent
age, allows to every man three fouls— one immortal
and rational, feated in the brain, that it may overlook
and regulate the body — a fecond confiding of the
furly and irafcible paflions, which, like belligerent
powers, lie encamped around the heart — a third mor-
tal and fenfual, deftitute of rcafon, grofs and brutal
in its propenfities, and enchained in the belly, that it
may not difturb the divine foul,, by its ravenous howl-
ings. Now, according to this excellent theory, what
can be more clear, than that your fat alderman is
moft likely to have the mod regular and well condi-
tioned mind. His head is like a huge, fpherical
chamber, containing a prodigious mafs of foft brains,
whereon the rational foul lies foftly and fnugly couch-
ed, as on a feather bed ; and the eyes, which are the
windows of the bed chamber, are ufually half clofed,
that its flumberings imy not be difturbed by external
objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged; and pro-
tected from difturbance, is manifeftly moft likely to
perform its functions with regularity and cafe. By
dint of good feedingj moreover, the mortal and ma-
Hgoaut foul, which is confined va ^ bdl^ *&*!

14 *

140 HISTORY OZ

which, by its raging and roaring, puts the irritable
foul in the neighbourhood of the heart in an intolera*
ble paflion, and thus renders men crufty and quarrel*
fome when hungry, is completely pacified, filenced
and put to reft — whereupon a hoft of honeft good fet
low qualities and kind hearted affections, which had
lain perdue, flyly peeping out of the loop holes of the
heart, finding this ceiberus afleep, do pluck up their
fpirits, turn out one and all in their holyday fuits, and
gambol up and down the diaphragm — difpofing their
pofleflbr to laughter, good humour, and a thoufand
friendly offices towards his fellow mortals.

As a board of magiftrates, formed on this mode!,
think but very little, they are the lefs likely to differ
and wraitgle about favourite opinions — and as they ge<-
nerally transact bufinefs upon a hearty dinner, they
are naturally difpofed to be lenient and indulgent in
the ad minift ration of their duties. Charlemagne was
confeious of this, and therefore (a pitiful' meafure,
for which I can never forgive him) ordered in his car-
tularies, that no judge Oiould hold a couit of juftice*
except in the morning, on an empty ftomach.— A
rule which, I warrant, bore hard upon all the poor
culprits in his kingdom. The more enlightened and
humane generation of the prefent day, have taken an
oppofite courfe, and have fo managed, that the alder-
men are the belt fed men in the community ; feafting
luftily on the fat things of the land, and gorging fo
heartily oyfters and turtles, that in proceft of time

ItEW-YOBK* 141

t&ey acquire the activity of the one, and the form,
the waddle, and the green fat of the other. The
xsnfequence is, as I have juft faid; thefe luxurious
leadings do produce fuch a dulcet equanimity and re-
pofe of the foul, rational and irrational, that their
tranfactioas are proverbial for unvarying monotony—
and the profound laws, which they enact in their doz-
ing moments, amid the labours of digeftion, are qui-
etly fuffered to remain as dead letters, and never en-
forced, when awake. In a word, your fair round-
bellied burgomafter, like a full fed mart; iff, dozes
quietly at the houfe-door, always at home, and always
at hand to watch over its fafety— but as to electing
a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has now
and then been done, I would as leave put a grey*
hound to watch the houfe, or a race horfe to drag an
ox waggon.

The burgomafters then, as I have already men-
tioned were wifely chofen by weight, and the fche-
pens, or afliftant aldermen, were appointed ft attend
upon them, and help them eati but the latter, in the
courfe of time, when they had been fed and fattened
into fuffic'ent bulk of body and drowfinefs of brain,
became very eligible candidates for the burgomafters*
chairs, having fairly eaten themfelves into office, as
a moufe eats his way into a comfortable lodgement
in a goodly, blue-nofed, (kim'd milk! New England;
cheefe.

142 HI9T0BY OF

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that
took place between the renowned Wouter, and thefe
his worthy compeers, unlefs it be the fage divans of
fome of our modern corporations. They would fit
for hours fmoking and dozing over public afiaitt,
without fpeaking a word to interrupt that perfect ftili-
nefs, fo neceffary to deep reflection — Under the fobet
fway of Wouter Van Twiller and thefe his worthy
coadjutors, the infant fettlement waxed vigorous apace,
gradually emerging from the fwamps and forefts, and
exhibiting that mingled appearance of town and coun-
try, cuftomary in new cities, and which at this day
may be witnefled in the city of Wafliington; that
immenfe metropolis, which makes fo glorious an ap-
pearance on paper.

It was a pleafing fight in thofe times', to behold the
>honeft burgher, like a patriarch of yore, feated on
the bench at the door of his white wafhed houfe,
under the (hade of fome gigantic fycafnore, or over-
hanging willow. Here would he fmoke his pipe lof a
fultry afTernoon, enjoying the foft fonthern breeze,
and liftening with fitent gratulation to the clocking of
his hens, the cackling of his geefe; and the fonorous
grunting of his fwine; that combination of farm
yard melody, which may truly be faid to have a filvet
found, inafmuch as it conveys a certain affurance of
profitable marketing.

The modern fpectator, who wanders through fhfc
ftreets of this populous city, can fcarcely form an

NE\Y-YOBK. 1*3

idea of the different appearance they prefented in the
primitive days of the Doubter. The bufy hum of
multitudes, the (houts of revelry, the rumbling equi-
p?ges.of faihion, the rattling of accurfcd carts, and
all the fpirit grieving founds of brawling commerce*
were unknown in the fettlementof New-Amfterdam.
The grafs grew quietly in the high ways — the blea-
ting fheep and frolicfome calves fported about the
verdant ridge where now the Broadway loungers take
their morning droll 5 the cunning fox or ravenous wolf
fkulked in the woods where now are to be feen the
dens of Gomez and his righteous fraternity of money
brokers, and flocks of vociferous geefe cackled about
the fields where now the great Tammany wigwam
and the patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the
wranglings of the mob.

In thefe good times did a true and enviable equality
of rank and property prevail, equally removed from
the arrogance of wealth, and the fervility and heartbut
aings of repining poverty — and what in my mind ia (till
more conducive to tranquillity and harmony among
friends, a happy equality of intellect was likewife
:o be feen. The minds of the good burghers of New-
Amfterdam feemed all to have been cad in one mould*
md to be thofe honed, blunt, fort of minds, which,
ike certain manufactures are made bythegrofs, and
ttnfidered as exceedingly good for common ufe.

Hi H19T0UY OF

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are gen-
erally preferred for public employ, and efpecially
promoted to city honours •, your keen intellects, like
rafors, being confidered too (harp for common fer-
vice. I know that it is common to rail at the unequal
diftribution of riches as the great fource of jealcufies,
broils and heartbreak! ngs, whereas for my part, I
verily believe it is the fad inequality of intellect that
prevails, that, embroils communities more than any
thing elfej and I have remarked that your know*
ing people who are fo much wifer than any body elfe,
are eternally keeping fociety in a ferment. Happily
for New- Amsterdam nothing of the kind was known
within its walls— the very words of learning, educa-
cation, tafte and talents were unheard of— a bright
genius was an animal unknown r a blue flocking lady
would have been regarded with as much wonder as
a horned frog or a fiery dragon. No man in factieera-
ed to know more than his neighbour, nor any man
to know much more than an honeft man ought to
know, who has nobody's bufinefs to mind but hia
own ; the Parfon and the council clerk were the only
men that could read in the community, and the (age
Van Twiller always figned his name with a crofs.

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little Burgh!
txifting in all the fecurity of harmlefe infignificance
— unnoticed and unenvied by the world, without am-
bition, without vain glory, without riches, without

KEW-YOEK. 145

g, and all their train of carking cares — and as
;, in the better days of man, the deities were
o vifit him on earth and blefs his rural habita-
b we are told, in the fylvan days of New-*
dam, the good St. Nicholas would often make
jarance, in his beloved city, of a holyday af*
, riding jollily among the tree tops, or over
Fs of the houfes, now and then drawing forth
cent prefents from his breeches pockets, and
g them down the chimnies of his favourite?*
is in thefe degenerate days of iron and brafa
t (hews us the light of his countenance, nor
fits us, fa ye one night in the year; when he
down the chimnies, of the descendants of the
;hs, confining his prefents merely to the chil-
li token of the degeneracy of the parents,
are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat
nent. The province of the New-Netherlands,
e of wealth, poffeffed a fweet tranquillity, that
could never purchafe. It feemed indeed as
Saturn had again commenced his reign, and
d the days of primeval fimplicity. For the
age, fays Ovid, was totally deftitute of gold,
' that very reafon was called the golden age ;
the happy and fortunate age — becaufe the evils
ed by the precious metals, fuch as avarice,
lfnefs, theft, rapine, ufury, banking, note-
\ lottery-infuring, and the whole catalogue of
and grievances were then unknown. In the

146 *n stout 6't

iron age there was abundance of gold, oh that v
account it was called the iron age, becaufe of
hardftiips, the labours, the diflentions, and the w
eccafioned by the thirft of gold.

The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller theref
may truly be termed the golden age of our city. Tl
were neither public commotions, nor private quart
neither parties, nor fects, nor fchifms 5 neither prof<
tions, nor trials, nor punifhments; nor were tl
counsellors, attornies, catch poles or hangmen. 1
ry man attended to what little bufinefs he was lv
enough to have, or neglected it if he pleafed, vi
out aflcmg the opinion of his neighbour. — In tl
days nobody meddled»with concerns above his c
prehenfion, nor thruft his nofe into other peoj
affairs^ nor neglected to correct his own cond
and reform his own character, in his zeal to pul
pieces the characters of others — but in a word, ei
refpectable citizen eat when he was not hungry, dr
when he was not thirsty, and went regular to !
when the fun fet, and the fowls went to robft, whei
he were fleepy or not; all which tended fo rem;
ably to the population of the Settlement, that I
told every dutiful wife throughout New-Amfterd
made a point of always enriching her hufband wit

leaft one child a year, and very often a brace

Superabundance of good things clearly conftituting
true luxury of life, according to the favourite Di
maxim that " more than enough conftitutes a fea

NEW-TQKJt.

ur

; -

Irery thing therefore went on exactly as it fhould
ky and in the ufual words employed by hiftorians
to exprefs the welfare of a country, " the profomw
M tranquillity and rcfofc reigned throughout the
proTince."

••».•" *■ •■.

* . •

v

"i •"«

• «

VOL. I.

U

# • »

lift tftiromr ot

CfiAP. to.

mud, and cane to he marvellously polishet an
foUte— together with a picture of the manner*
of our great great Grandfathers.

Manifold are the taftes and difpofitions of the en-
lightened literati, who turn over the pages of hiftory.
Some there be whofe hearts are brim full of the yeaft
of courage, and whofe bofoms do work, and fwell,
and foam, with untried Talour, like a barrel of new
dder, or a train-band captain, frefli from under the
hands of his taylor. This doughty clafs of readers
can be fatisfied with nothing but bloody battles, and
horrible encounters ; they muft be continually (tann-
ing forts, facking dries, fpringing mines, marching up
to the muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet through
every page, and revelling in gun-powder and carnage.
Others, who are of a lefs martial, but equally ardent
imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to
the marvellous, will dwell with wonderooa (attsfac-
tion on defcriptions of prodigies, unheard of events,
hair-breadth efcapes, hardy adventures, and all thofc
aftonUhing narrations, that juft amble along the boun-
dary line of poflibility. — A third clafs, who, not to
fpeak flightly of them, are of a lighter turn, and flam
over the records of paft times, as they do over the

JI9V-Y01*. 1*9

edifying jf$f/» of * novel, merely for relaxation and
fenocent anwfeatent } do Angularly delight in txtir
has, executions fabioe rap**, tarquiu outrages, eon-
Magrafy?ni, murder*, and all the other catalogue of
hideous crime*, that like Cayenne in cookery, do gw e
a pungency and flavour to the dull detail of hiftory—
yhile a fourth cWs, of more phjlofcphic habits, dp
diligently pore over the mufty chronicles 4>f time, to
investigate the operations of the human mind, and
watch the gradual changes in men and spanner?, ef-
fected by thf progrefs of knowledge, the vicifjiiude*
of events, or the influence of fituatipu.

Jf the three firft da/Tes find but little wherewithal
to fblace tfeemfelves in the tranquil reign of Wouter
Van Twiller, 1 entreat them to exert their patience
for a while, and hear with the tedious picture of h?£»»
pineis? profperity and peace, which my duty as a faith-
fid hiftorian obliges me to draw; and I p*omife them,
that as foon as I can poffibly light upon any thing
horrible, uncommon or impoflible, it fhall go hard,
tmt I will make it afford them entertainment. This
being premifed, I turn with great complacency to the
fourth dais of my readers, who are men, or, if pot*
fible, women after my own heart ; grave, philofophi-
cal and inveftigating ; fond of analyzing character*,
of taking a ftart from firft caufes, and ib honing a
nation down, through all the mazes of innovation
and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to
witneft the fiift developement of the newly hatched

450 HI8TOHT OF

colony, and the primitive manners and cuftoms, pre-
valent among its inhabitants, during the halcyon reign
of Van T wilier or the Doubter.

I will not grieve their patience, however, fay des-
cribing minutely the increafe and improvement of
New-Amfterdam. Their own imaginations will doubt-
left prefent to them the good burghers, like fo many
pains-taking and perfevering beavers, (lowly and furely
purfuing their labours— they will behold the profper-
ous transformation from the i*ude log. hut to the (lately
Dutch manfion, with brick front, glazed windows, and
tiled roof — from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant
cabbage garden 5 and from the fkulking Indian to the
ponderous burgomafter. In a word, they will picture to
themfelves the ftea.dy, filent, and undeviating march
to prosperity, incident to a city deftitute of pride or
ambition, cherifhed by a fat government, and whofe
citizens do nothing in a hurry.

The fage council, as has been mentioned in a pre*
teding chapter, not being able to determine upon
any plan for the building of their city — the cows, in
a laudable fit of patrlotifm, took it under their par-
ticular charge, and as they went to and from pafture,
eftablifhed paths through the bufhes, on each fide of
which the good folks built their hdufes ; which is one
caufe of the rambling and picturefque turns and la-
byrinths, which diftinguifli certain ftreets of New-
York at this very day.

HSW-TOB*. ±H

&am* 9 k aiuft be noted, who were ftrenaoui par-
of Mynher Ten Breeches, (or Tea Broeck)
«exed that his plan of digging canals was not adopt-
ed, made a compromife with their inclination*, by
dfahltthing themfelvei on the margins of thofe creeks
and inlets, which meandered through various parts of
the ground laid out for improvement To thefe may
be particularly afcribed the firft fettlement of Broad-
itieet * which originally was built algng a creek, that
ran up, to what at prefent is called Wall-ftreet» The
lower part foon became very bufy and populous * and
a ferry houfe* was in procefs of time eftablifhed at
the head of it ; being at that day called " the head of
inland navigation."

The difciples of Mynher Tough Breeches, oft the
other hand, no lefs enterprifing, and more induftrious
than their rivals* ftationed themfelves along the fhore
of the river, and laboured, with unexampled perfe-
permnpe, in making little docks and dykes, from which
originated that multitude of mud traps with which
bis city is fringed. To thefe docks would the old
Burghers repair, juft at thofe hours when the foiling
tide had left the beach uncovered, that they might
buff up the fragrant effluvia of mud and mire; which
key obferved had a true whoJefome fmeU, and re-

* This house has been several times repaired, and at present la
i small yellow brick house, No. 23 Broad-street, with the gable
itid to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, uatil
ritbin three or four years, a litUe iron ferry boat officiate*! as wea-
hor ooek.

15 *

153 HttTOltY 6*

minded them of the canals of Holland. To the in*
defatigable labours, and praifeworthy example of this
latter clafs of projectors are we indebted for the acre*
of artificial ground, on which feveral of our ftreett,
, in the vicinity of the rivers are built ; and which, if
We may credit the affertions of feveral learned phyfi*
cians of this city, have been very efficacious in pro-
ducing the yellow fever.

The houfes of the higher clafs were generally con-
(Iructed of wood, excepting the gable end, which wal
of fmall black and yellow Dutch bricks, and always
faced on the ftreet, as our axiceftors, like their de^
fcendants, were very much given to outward (how,
and were noted for putting the bed leg foremoft.
The houfe was always furniflied with abundance' of
large doors and fmall windows on every floor, the
date of its erection was curioufly designated by iron
figures on the front, and on the top of the roof wal
perched a fierce little weather cock, to let the family
into the important fecret, which way the wind blew;
Thefe, like the weather cocks on the tops of our
fteeples, pointed fo many different ways, that every
man could have a wind to his mind j and you would
have thought old Eolus had fet all his bags of wind
adrift, pell mell, to gambol about this windy metro-
polis — the mod ftaunch and loyal citizens, however,
always went according to the weather cock on the top
of the governor's houfe, winch was certainly the moft
correct, as he had a trufty fervant employed every

Aorning to climb up and point it which ever way the

wind blew.

In chofe good days of Simplicity and funftiine, a
ptflion For cleanlinefs was the leading principle in
domeftic economy, and the univerfal teft of an able
houfewife — a character which formed the utmoft am-
bWon of our unenlightened grandmothers. The frorit
door was never opened except on marriages, funerals,
new year's days, the feftival of St. Nicholas, or fome
foch great occafion — It was ornamented with a gor-
geous brafs knocker, curioufly wrought, fometimes
into the device of a dog, and fometimes of a lion's
head, and was daily burnifhed with fuch religious zeal,
that it was oft times worn out by the very precau-
tions taken for its preservation. The whole houfe was
oohftantly in a ftate of inundation, under the disci-
pline of mops and brooms and Scrubbing brufhes;
and the good houfewives of thofe days were a kind
of amphibious animal, delighting exceedingly to be
dabbling in water — infomuch that an hiftorian of the
day gravely tells us, that many of his townfwomen
grew to have webbed fingers like unto a duck ; and
fome of them, he had little doubt, could the matter
be examined into, would be found to have the tails
of mermaids— but this I look upon to be a. mere
fport of fancy, or what is worfe, a wilful mifrepre-
fentation. '

The grand parlour was the fanctum fanctorum,
where the paffion lot cleaning was indulged without

1*4 HflTOmY M

contrmiL In this facred apartment no ode was p# r-

mitted to enter, excepting the miftrefs and her confi-
dential maid, who vifited it once a week, for the pur-
pofe of giving it a thorough cleaniiigi and patting
things to rights— always taking die precaution of leaf*
ing their (hoes at the door, and entering devoutly, on
their (locking feet. After (crabbing the floor, (priak-
ling it with fine white fand, which was cnripufly
ftroked into angles and curves, and rhomboids, with
a broom — after wafting the windows, rubbing and
polifhing the furniture, and putting a new bunch of
evergreens in the fire-place — the window fl)Otters
were again clofed to keep out the flies, and the room
carefully locked up until the revolution of time brought
round the weekly cleaning day.

As to the family, they always entered in at the
gate, and moil generally lived in the kitchen. To
have feen a numerous houfehold aflembled around
the fire, one would have imagined that he was. trans-
ported back to thofe happy days of primeval fijnpkV
city, which float before our imaginations like golden
vifions. The fire-places were of a. truly patriarchal
magnitude, where the whole family, old and young*
matter and fervant, black and white, nay, even thl
very cat and dog enjoyed a community of privilege,
and had each a prefcriptive right to a corner. Heft
the old burgher would fet in perfect fiience, puffing
his pipe, looking in the fire with half (hut eyes, and
dunking of nothing for hours together* the goedr

NEW-YORK. IBS

fioow on the oppofite fide would employ herfelf dili-
gently in fpinning her yarn, or knitting dockings.
Hie young folks would crowd around the hearth,
^tening with breathlefs attention to fome old crone
of a negro, who was the oracle of the family, — and
who, perched like a raven in a corner of the chimney,
would croak forth for a long winter afternoon a firing
of incredible ftorles about New-England witches—*
pifly ghofts— horfes without heads — and hairbreadth
dopes and bloody encounters among the Indians.

In thofe happy days a well regulated family always
rofe with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed
at fun down. Dinner was invariably a private meal,
and the fat old burghers (hewed inconteftible fymp-
toms of difapprobatioh and uneafinefs, at being fur-
prifed by a vifit from a neighbour on fuch occafions.
But though our worthy anceftors were thus Angularly
arerfe to giving dinners, yet they kept up the focial
lands of intirnacy by occaiional banquettings, called
tea parties:

As this is the firft introduction of thofe delectable
orgies, which have fince become fo fafhionable in this
city, I am confeious my fair readers will be very cu-
rious to receive information on the fubject. Sorry
un I, that there will be but little in my description
Calculated to excite tjieir admiration. I can neither
ielight them with accounts of fuffocating crowds, nor
brilliant drawing rooms, nor towering feathers, nor
fparkling diamonds, nor immeasurable trains. I can

i§6 HISTOmY Of

detail no choice anecdotes of fcandsl, for in thof*
primitive times the fimple folk were either too ftupidf
or too good natured to pull each other's character
to pieces— nor can I furnilh any whimfical anecdote^
of brag — how one lady cheated, tit another houiyqi
into a paifion; for as yet there was no junto of dqlc^t
old dowagers, who met to win each other's money,
9nd lofe their own tempers at a card table.

Thefe fafhionable parties were generally configned
to the higher clalTes, or nobleffe, that is to fey, fath
*s kept their own cows, and drove their own wag-
gons. The company commonly aflemUed gt three
ifclock, and went away about fix, unlets it was 4)
winter time, when the fafhionable hours were a little
earlier, that the ladies might get home before dart
I do not find that they ever treated their company to
iced creams, jellies, or fyllabubs ; or regaled them
with mufty almonds, mouldy raifins, or four orangey
as is often done an the preient age of refinement**?
Our anceftors were fond of more fturdy, fubftan&l
fare. The tea table was crowned with a huge earthen
difli, well ftored with flices of fat pork, fried brovUj
pit up into morfels, and fwimming in grary. Tic
company being feated around the genial hoard, and
fach furnifhed with a fork, evinced their dexterity m
launching at the fatteft pieces in this mighty difb-~ifl
much the fame manner as failors harpoon porpuifes at
fea, or our Indians fpear (almon in the lakes. Seme*
tines the table was graced with immenfe apple pie^

*EW-*0BK* ±67

IT (aueeft fall of preferred peaches and pears; but k
vas always fare to boaft an enormous diih of balls of
fattened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough
Arts, or oly koeks — a delicious kind of cake, at pre*
fetot fbtirce known in this city, excepting in genuine
Dutch ftaiilieS.

The tea wa3 ferred out of a taajeftic delft teapot,
ornamented with paintings of fat little Dutch (hep*
herds and fhepherdefles, tending pigs — with boats fait*
ing in the air, and houfes built in the clouds, and fun-
dry other ingenious Dutch fantafies. The beaux di»*
ImguUhed themfelves by their adroitnefs in replenish-
ing tfiis pot, from a huge copper tea kettle, which
Would have made the pigmy macaronies of thefe do-
generate days f weat merely to look at it. To iweeten
tixe beverage, & lump of fugar was laid befide each
cup-*and die company alternately nibbled and fipped
with great decorum, until an improvement was intro-
duced by a fhtewd and economic old lady, which was
to fnfpend a large lump directly over the tea table, by
a ftkfog from die ceiling, lb that it could be fwung
Ifbtn mouth to mouth — an ingenious expedient, which
Is (till kept up by tome families in Albany; but which
prevails without exteptfcm in Communipaw, Bergen,
flat-Btilh, and all our wcwftaminated Dutch vfl-
kgea.

At thefe primitive tea-parties the utrooft propriety
(oft dignity xrif deportment prevailed. No flirting nor

15* ?nfcT*&T •*

coquetting — no gambling of old ladies nor hoy
chattering and romping of young ones— no fell £
fied ftruttings of wealthy gentlemen, with their br
in their pockets — nor amufing conceits, and mo«
divertifements of fmart young gentlemen, with
brains at all. On the contrary, the young la
feated themfelves demurely in their rufli-bottoi
chairs, and knit their own woollen {lockings;
ever opened their lips, excepting to fay yah Myn
.or yah ya Vrouw> to any queftion that was afked th
behaving, in all things, like decent, well educs
damfeb. As to the gentlemen, each of them t
quilly fmoked his pipe, and feemed loft in cont
plation of the blue and white tiles, with which
fire places were. decorated t wherein fundry paff
of fcripture were pioufly pourtrayed — Tobit and
dog figured to great advantage $ Hainan iwung <
fpicuoufly on his gibbet, and , Jonah appeared i
manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Harlec
through a barrel of fire.

The parties broke up without noife and witl
confufion. They were carried home by their <
carriages, that is. to fay, by the vehicles nature
provided them, excepting fuch of the wealthy,
could afford to keep a waggon. The gentlemen,
lantly attended their fair ones to their refpec
abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty fir
at the door : which as it was an eftabliihed pieo

HBW-YOUb

159

riquette, done in perfect fimplicity and honefty of
kart, occafioned no fcandal at that time, npr (hould
Alt the ptefent — if our great grandfathers approved of
cuftooij it would argue a great want of reference
their defcendanta to fay a word againft it-

- \-

!

tot.. I-

in

160 HiSTOBY O

CHAP. IT.

€o7ttahting further * pmrtteulars sftfieGoldemJ
and what constituted 41 fine Lady and Qm
man in the days of Walter the Doubter.

In this dulcet period of my hiftory, when the be
teous ifland of Mannahata prefented a fcene, the i
counterpart of thofe glowing pictures drawn of
golden reign of Saturn, there was, as I have bei
obferved, a happy ignorance, an honeft fimplicity ]
valent among its inhabitants, which, were I even I
to depict, would be but little underftood by die
generate age for which I am doomed to write. £
the female fex, thofe arch innovators upon the ti
quillity, the honefty, and grey-beard cuftoms of
ciety, feemed for a while to conduct themfelves *
incredible fobriety and comelinefs, and, indeed,
haved almoft as if they had not been fent into
world to bother mankind, baffle philofophy, and c
found the univerfe.

Their hair untortured by the abominations of
was fcrupuloufly pomatomed back from their f<
heads with a candle, and covered with a little
of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their he;
Their petticoats of linfey woolfey were ftriped v
a variety of gorgeous dyes, rivalling the many cole
ed robes of Iris — though I muft confefs thefe gall

NKW-YOBK. id

lent* were rather fliort, fcarce reaching below
tneej but then they made up in the number,
h generally equalled that of the gentlemen's

clothes; and what is ftill more praife-worthy,
were alt of their own manufacture — of which
raftance, as may well be fuppofed, they were not
le vain.

lefe were the honed days, in which every wo-
ftaid at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets
;, and that too of a goodly fize, faihioned with
.-work into many curious devices, and oftentu-
y worn on the outfide. Thefe, in fact, were
rniemr receptacles^ where all good houfe- wives
Lilly ftored away fuch things as they wifhed to
at hand j by which means they often came to
credibly crammed— and I remember there was a

current when I was a boy, that the lady of
fer Van Twiller once had occafion to empty her
pocket in fearchof a wooden ladle, and the utenfii
difcovered lying among fome rubbiih in one
rr— but we mult not give too much faith to all

ftories ; the anecdotes of thefe remote periods
; very fubject to exaggeration,
(ides thefe notable pockets, they likewife wore
re and pineu&ions fufpended from their girdles
;d ribbands, of among the more opulent and
y clafles, by brafs, and even Clver chains — indu-
le tokens of thrifty houfewives and induftrious
:ers. I cannot (ay much in vindication of the

10£ HI8T0BY O*

tbortnefs of the petticoats; it doubtlefs was intro-
duced for the purpofe of giving the (lockings a chance
to be feen, which were generally of blue worfted
with magnificent red clocks— or perhaps to difpby
a well turned ankle, and a neat, though ferviceaMe
foot } fet off by a high-heeled leathern fhoe, with a
large and fplendid Giver buckle.. Thus we find, that
the gentle fex in all ages, have fhown the fame dif-
pofition to infringe a little upon the laws of decorum,
in order to betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an in-
nocent love of finery.

From the {ketch here given, it will be feen, that
our good grandmothers differed confidently in thek
ideas of a fine figure, from their fcantily dreffed dti-
fcendants of the prefent day. A fine lady, in thofe
times, waddled under more clothes even on a fail
rummer's day, than would have clad the whole bet)
of a modern ball room. Nor were they the led ad-
mired by the gentlemen in confequence thereof. Oi
the contrary, the greatnefs of a lover's paffion feeifi&c
to increafe in proportion to the magnitude of its ob
ject — and a voluminous damfel, arrayed in a dozen o
petticoats, was declared by a low-dutch fonnetteet o
the province, to be radiant as a funflower, and luxu
riant as a full blown cabbage. Certain it is, that ii
thofe days, the heart of a lover could not contafa
more than one lady at a time ; whereas the heart o
a modern gallant has often room enough to accomo
date half a dozen — The reafon of which I conclude

NEW-YORK. 163

to be, that either the hearts of the gentlemen have
grown larger, or the perfons of the ladies fmaller— f
das, however, is a queftion for phyfiologifte to de-
termine.

But there was a fecret charm in thefe petticoats,
which no doubt entered into the confideration of the
prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in thofe
days her only fortune* and flie who had a good
dock of petticoats and (lockings, was as abfolutely
an heirefs as is a Kamtfchatka damfel with a (lore of
bear (kins, or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein
deer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to
difplay thefe powerful attractions to the greateft ad-
vantage; and the bed rooms in the houfe inftead of
being adorned with caricatures of dame nature, in
water colours and needle work, were always hung
ffoand with abundance of homefpun garments ; the
manufacture and die property of the females — a piece
of laudable oftentation that ftill prevails among the
heirefles of our Dutch villages. Such were the beau-
teous belles of the ancient city of New-Amfterdam,
rivalling in primeval fimplicity of manners, the re-
nowned and courtly dames, fo loftily fung by Dan
Homer — who tells us that the princefs Nauficaa wa(h-
ed the family linen, and the fair Penelope wove her
own petticoats.

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles
of die gay world in thefe ancient times, correfpond-
cd, in xnoft particulars, with the beauteous damfels

16 *

, IS* nisxoar of

■N-

Wfaofe fmiles they were ambitious to deferve. True
it is, their merits would make bat a very incon-
siderable impreffion, upon the heart of a modern
fair ; they neither drove their curricles nor fported
their tandems, for as yet thofe gaudy vehicles wen
not even dreamt of— neither did they diftiaguifl
themfelves by their brilliancy at the table, and thei
confequent rencontres with watchmen, for our fore
fathers were of too pacific a difpofition to need thoii
guardians of the night, every foul throughout th
town being in full fnore before nine o'clock. Nei
ther did they eftablifh their claims to gentility at th
ezpenfe of their taylors — for as yet thofe offender
againft the pockets of fociety, and the tranquillit
of all afpiring young gentlemen, were unknown ii
New-Amfterdam ; every good houfewife made th
clothes of her hufband and family, and even th
goede vrouw of Van Twiller himfelf, thought it n
difparagement to cut out her hufband's linfey woolft
galligaikins*

Not but what there were fome two or three young
iters who manifefted the firft dawnings of what i
called fire and fpirit. Who held all labour in con
tempt; fkulked about docks and market places; loi
tcred in the funfhine ; fquandered what little mqne
they could procure at huftle cap and chuck farthing
fwore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neigh
hours' horfes— in (hort, who prbmifed to be the woo
der, the talk and abomination of the town, had so

NBW-TOBK. 105

their ftylifh career been unfortunately cut fhort, by an
affair of honour .with a whipping pod.
-. Far other, however, was the truly falhioaable gen-
tleman of thofe days — his drefs, which ferved for
both morning and evening, ftreet and drawing room,
was a linfey woolfey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair
hinds of the miftrefs of his affections, and gallantly
bedecked with abundance of large brafs buttons-
Half a fcore of breeches heightened the proportions
of his figure — his {hoes were decorated by enormous
copper buckles-— a low crowned broad brimmed hat
overfhadowed his burley vifage, and his hair dangled
down his back, in a prodigious queue of eel fkin.

Thus equipped, he would manfully fally forth with
pipe in mouth to befiege fome fair damfel's obdurate
heart — not fuch a pipe, good reader, as that which
Acis did fweetly tune in praife of his Galatea, but
one of true delft manufacture, and furnifhed with
a charge of fragrant Cow-pen tobacco. With this
would he refolutely fet himfelf down before the for-
tress, and rarely failed, in the procefs of time, to
fmoke the fair enemy into a furrender, upon honour-
able terms.

§uch was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller,
celebrated in many a long forgotten fong as the real
golden age, the reft being nothing but counterfeit
copper-waihed coin. In that delightful period, a
fweet and holy calm reigned over the whole province.
The burgomafter forked his pipe in peace— the fub-

±66 HI9T0&Y or

ftanrial folace of his domeftic cares, after her daily
toils were done, fat foberljr at the door, with her
arms crofled over her apron of fnowy white, with-
out being infulted by ribald ftreet walkers- or vaga-
bond boys — thofe unlucky urchins, who do fe infei
our ftreets, difplaying under the rofes of youth, the
thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was that the
lover with ten breeches and the damfel with petti*
coats of half a fcore indulged in all the innocent
endearments of virtuous love, without fear aad with*
out reproach — for what had that virtue to fear, which
was defended by a fhield of good linfey woolfeys,
equal at lead to the feven bull hides of the invincible
Ajax.

Ah blifsful, and never to be forgotten age ! when
every thing was better than it has ever been fince, or
ever will be again — when Buttermilk channel was
qpiite dTy at low water — when the (had in the Hudfon
were all falmon, and when the moon (hone with a
pure and refplendent whitenefs, inftead of that me-
lancholy yellow light, which is the confequence of
her fickening at the abominations (he every night wit-
nefles in this degenerate city !

Happy would it have been for New-Amfterdam
could it always have exifted in this (late of Misful
ignorance and lowly fimplicity : but alas ! the days of
childhood are too fweet to laft ! Cities, like men,
grow out of them in time, and are doomed alike to
grow into the buftle, the cares and miferies ( of the

JTEW-YOSK. ' 167

d. Let no man congratulate himfelf, wheq he
Ids the child of his bofom or the city of his birth
afing in magnitude and importance — let the his-
of his own life teach him the dangers of the one,
this hiftoiy of Manna-hata convince him of the
aides of the other.

16$ HISTOKY 09

CHAP. V.

/» wlikh the reader t* begnikd into a ddectdk
watt, -whivh end* very differently fm* vA§A
commenced*

In the year of our Lord, one thoufand eight hui
dred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowin
month of September, I took my cuftomary walk upo
the battery, which is at once the pride and bulwai
of this ancient and impregnable city of New-Yori
I remember well the feafon, for it immediately pn
eeded that remarkably cold winter, in which our fag
cious corporation, in a freak of economical philai
thropy, pulled to pieces, at an expenfe of fever
hundred dollars, the wooden ramparts, which hs
coft them fereral thoufand ; and diftributed the re
ten fragments, which were worth confiderably le
than nothing, among the (hivering poor of the city-
never,fince the fall of the walls of Jericho, or the heav<
built battlements of Troy, had there been knov*
fucha demolition — nor did it go unpuniflied; mi
titudes were blinded, in vain attempts to fmoke ther
felves warm, with this charitable fubftitute for fir
wood, and an -epidemic complaint of fore eyes w
moreover produced, which has fince recurred eve
winter j particularly among thofe who undertake

bom rotten iogs<-*rho warm themfelves with die char- '
by of others—or who ufe patent chimnies. -

On the year and month juft defigaated, did I take
wif accuftorned walk of meditation, on that lame bat-
tery, which, though at prefent, no battery, furni-
flies die noft delightful walk, and commands the
nobleft profpect, in the whole known world. The
ground on which I trod was hallowed by recollections
of the paft, and as I flowly wandered through the
Jong slley of poplars, which, like fo many birch
taooms ftanding on end, diffufed a melancholy and
lugubrious (hade, my imagination drew a contraft
between the furrounding fcenery, and what it was in
the claffic days of our forefathers. Where the gov-
ernment houfe by name, but the cuftom-houfe by oc-
cupation, proudly reared its brick walls and wooden
pillars; there whalome flood the low but fubftantial,
red tiled oianfion of the renowned Wouter Van Twil-
ler. Around it the mighty, bulwarks of fort Arofter-
dam Aowneddefiance to every abfent foe;but,like many
a whilkered warrior and gallant militia captain, corn-
fined their martial deeds to frowns alone — alas ! thofe
threatening bulwarks had long fiuce been fapped by
time, and like the walls of Carthage, ptefented no
traces to the enquiring eye of the antiquarian. The
mud bread works had long been levelled with the
earth, and their fite converted into the green lawns
and leafy alleys of the battery ; where the gay appren-
tice fported his fundy coat, and the laborious mechanic,

170 HISTOBY OF

relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, pour-
ed his weekly tale of Jove into the half averted ear
of the fentimental chambermaid. The capacious bay
ftill prefented the fame expanfive fheet of water, ftiid-
ded with iflands, fprinkled with fifhing boats, and
bounded by ihores of picturefque beauty. - But the
dark forefts which once clothed thefe ihores had beer
violated by the favage hand of cultivation, and then
tangled mazes, and impenetrable thickets, had degen
erated into teeming orchards and waving fields of grain
Even Governor's Ifland, once a fmiling garden, apper-
taining to the fovereigns of the province, was mra
covered with fortifications, inclofing a tremendow
block houfe— *fo that this once peaceful ifland reiem-
bled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing
gunpowder and defiance to the world !

For fome time did I indulge in this penfive train, o
thought; contrafting inf ober fadnefs, the prefent da;
with the hallowed years behind the mountains \ lamen
ting the melancholy progrefs of improvement, am
praifing the zeal, with which our worthy burgher
endeavour to preferve the wrecks of venerable . cos
toms, prejudices and errors, from the overwhelmioj
tide of modern innovation— when by degrees my idea
took a different turn, and. I infenflbly awakened toai
enjoyment of the beauties around me.

It was one of thofe rich autumnal days, which hea-
ven particularly beftows upon the beauteous ifland pi
Manna-hata and its vicinity — not a floating cloud ob-

*EW-YOBX» 171

feared thea2ure firmament — the fun, rolling in glo-
rious fplendour through his etherial courfe, feemed
to expand his honeft Dutch countenance into .an uo-
Efual expreffion of benevolence, as he fmiled his even-
ing ialutation upon a city, which he delights to vifit
with his moft bounteous beams — the very winds
] feemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention, left
. they fliould ruffle the tranquillity of the hour — and
^ the waveiefs bofom of the bay prefented a poliflied
minor, in which nature beheld herfelf and fmiled.—-
The ftandard of our city, which, like a choice hand*
kerchief, is referred for days of gala, hung motionlefs
on the flag ftaff, which forms the handle to a gigantic
churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar
and the afpen, which, like the tongues of the immor-
tal fex, are feldom ftili, now ceafed to vibrate to the
breath of heaven. Every thing feemed to acquiefce
in the profound repofe of nature. — The formidable
eighteen pounders flept in the embrazures of the
wooden batteries, feemingly gathering frefh ftrength
to fight the battles of their country on the next 4th
of July— the foiitary drum on Governor's Ifland forgot
to call the garrifon to their shovels — the evening gun
had not yet founded its fignal, for all the regular, well
meaning poultry throughout the country, to go to
rood; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor between
Gibbet-Ifland and Cotpmunipaw, flumbered on their
rakes, and fuffered the innocent oyfters to lie for a
while unmolefted, in the foft mud of their native
tol. i. * 17

172 HISTOK* 0*

banks !— My own feelings fympathized with th<
gious tranquillity, and I fhould infallibly have
upon one of thofe fragments of benches, wh
benevolent magiftrates have provided for th<
fit of convalefcent loungers, had not the ex
nary inconvenience of the couch fet all repof
fiance.

In the midft of this foothing {lumber of tl
my attention was attracted to a black fpeck,
above the weftern horizon, juft in the rear
gen fteeple — gradually it augments and overha
would-be cities of Jerfey, Harfimus and H
which, like three jockies, are ftarting on th<
of exiftence, and joftling each other at the coir
ment of the race. Now it fkirts the long i
ancient Pavonia, fpreading its wide (hadows f
high fettlements at Weehawk quite to the 1
and quarantine, erected by the fagacity of oui
for the embarraflment of commerce — now i
the ferene vault of heaven, cloud rolling ovei
like iucceffive billows, fhrouding the orb of da
ening the vaft expanfe, and bearing thunder a
and temped in its bofom. The earth feems
at the confufion of the heavens — the late ^
mirror is laflied into furious waves, that r<
broken furges in hollow murmurs to the fho
oyfter boats that erft fported in the placid vi(
Gibbet-Ifland, now hurry affrighted to the fho
late dignified, unbending poplar, writhes and

NEW-YORK. 173

before the mercilefs blaft — defcending torrents of
drenching rain and founding hail deluge the battery
valks, the gates are thronged by 'prentices, fervant
maids and little Frenchmen, with their pocket hand-
kerchiefs over their hats, fcampering from the ftorm
—the late beauteous profpect prefents one fcene of
tnarchy and wild uproar, as though old chaos had re-
lumed his reign, and was hurling back into one vaft
inrmoil, the conflicting elements of nature. Fancy
d yourfelf, oh reader ! the awful combat fung by old
Hefiod, of Jupiter, and the Titans — fancy to yourfelf ,
he long rebellowing artillery of heaven, ftreaming at
he heads of the gigantic fons of earth. — In fhort,
Fancy to yourfelf all that has ever been faid or fung,
rf tempeft, ftorm and hurricane — and you will fave
me the trouble of defcribing it.

Whether I fled from the fury of the ftorm, or re-
mained boldly at my poft, as our gallant train band
captains, who march their foldiers through tjie rain
without flinching, are points which I leave to the con-
jecture of the reader. It is poffible he may be a
little perplexed alfo to know the reafon why I intro-
duced this mod tremendous and unheard of tempeft,
to difturb the ferenity of my work. On this latter
point I will gratuitoufly inftruct his ignorance. The
panorama view of the battery was given, merely to
jratify the reader with a- correct defcription of that
:elebrated place, and the parts^ adjacent — fecondly,
J>e ftorm was played off, partly to give a little buttle

17* HISTORY O*

and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to kee£
n j drowfy readers from falling afleep — and partly to'
ferve as a preparation, or rather an overture, to die
tempeftuous times, that are about to aflail the pacific
province of Nieuw Nederlandts — and that over-hang
the flumbrous admin ft rat ion of the renowned Wouter
Van TwrWer. It 13 thus the experienced play-wright
puts all the fiddles, the french horns, the kettle drums
and trumpets of his orcheftra in requifition, to uiher
in one of thoife horrible and brimftone uproars, called 7
Melodrames — and it is thus he difcharges his thunder,
his lightning, his rofin and faltpetre, preparatory to
the railing of a ghoft^ or the murdering of a hero—
We will now proceed with our hiftory.

"Whatever may be advanced by philofophers s to the
contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to nations, the
old maxim, that " honefty is the beft policy," is a
fheer and ruinous miftake. It might have anfwered
wett enough in the honed times when it was made;
but in thefe degenerate days, if a nation pretends to
rely merely upon the juftice of its dealings, it will fare
femething like an honeft man among thieves, who,
unlefs he have Something more than his honefty to
depend upon, itands but a poor chance of profiting
by his company. Such at leaft was the cafe with the
guilelefs government of the New-Netherlands j which,
like a worthy unfufpicious old burgher, quietly fettled
itfetf down into the city of New-Amfterdam, as into
a fmig elbow chair — and fell into a comfortable nap—

*ttW-70BX. iy»

i

n the mean time its cunning neighbours ftepped
picked its pockets. Thus may we afcribe the
ncement of all the woes of this gTeat province,
magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil fecu-
: to fpeak more accurately, to the unfortunate
r of its government. But as I diflike to begin
tortant part of my hiftory towards the end of
er; and as my readers, like myfelf, muft doubt-
exceedingly fatigued with the long walk we
iken, and the tempeft we have fuftained — I
meet we (hut up the book, fmoke a pipe, juid
thus refreflied our fpirits, take a fair ftart in
;t chapter.

17 *

170 HISTOBY O*

CHAP. VI.

FaHhfutlij describing the ingenious people <
necticut and thereabouts — Showing, m
the true meaning of liberty of conscience
curious device among these sturdy barbae
keep up a harmony of intercourse, and
population.

That nay reader* may the more fully con
the extent of the calamity, at this very mon
pending over the honelt, unfufpecting pro
Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious goveri
necefiary that I fliould give fome account of
of ftrange barbarians, bordering upon the
frontier.

Now fo it came to pafs, that many years
to the time of which we are treating, the fag<
of England had adopted a certain national
kind of public walk of faith, or rather a
turnpike, in which every loyal fubject was di
travel to Zion — taking care to pay the toll gat
the way.

Albeit a certain flirewd race of men, be
much given to indulge their own opinions
manner of fubjects (a propenfity exceedingly
ious to your free governments of Europe) <
prefumptuoufly dare to think for themfelves ix

NEW-TOM. 177

of religion, exercifing what they confidered a natu-
nl and unextinguifhable right — the liberty of eon>
iiacnce.

As, however, they pofleffed that ingenuous habit
of mind which always thinks aloud; which in a man-
ser rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever
galloping into other people's ears, it naturally follow-*
ed that their liberty of confidence likewife implied
Bberty of speech, which being freely indulged, foon put
the country in a hubbub, and aroufed the pious indig-
sanon of the vigilant fathers of the church.

The ufual methods were adopted to reclaim them,
that in thofe days were confidered fo efficacious in
bringing back ftray ftieep to the fold ; that is to fay,
they were coaxed, they were admonifhed, they were
menaced, they were buffeted — line upon line, precept
upon precept, lafli upon lain, here a little and there
a great deal, were exhaufted without mercy, and with*
out fuccefs ; until at length the worthy paftors of <he
church, wearied out by their unparalleled ftubboru-
nefs, were driven in the excefs of their tender mercy,
to adopt the fcripture text, and literally " heaped live
embers on their heads."

Nothing, however, could fubdue that invincible
fpirit of independence which has ever diftinguifhed
dris fingular race of people, fo that rather than fubmit
to fmch horrible tyranny, they one and all embarked
for the wtJdernefs of America, where they might en-
joy, unmolefted, the ineftUnable luxury of talking.

178 HISTORY or

No fooner did they land on this loquacious foil, than
as if they had caught the difeafe from the climate,
they all lifted up their voices at once, and for the
fpace of one whole year did keep up -fuch a joyful
clamour, that we are told they frightened every biro
and bead out of the neighbourhood, and fo completely
dumb-founded certain fifh, which abound on their
croft, that they have been called dumb-fish ever fince.

From this fimple circumftance, unimportant as it
may feem, did firft originate that renowned privilege
fo loudly boafted of throughout this country — which
is fo eloquently exercifed in newfpapers, pamphlets,
ward meetings, pot-houfe committees and congres*
fional deliberations — which eftablifhes the right of
talking without ideas and without information— of
mifreprefenting public affairs; of decrying public mea*
fares — of afperfing great characters, and deftroying
little ones ; in fhort, that grand palladium of our.
country, the liberty of speech.

The fimple aborigines of the land for a while con-
templated thefe ftrange folk in utter aftonifliment, but
discovering that they wielded harmlefs though noify
weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humoured,
race of men, they became very friendly <ind fociable,
and gave them the name of Tanokies, which in the
Mais-Tchufaeg (or Mafiachufett) language fignifiei.
silent men — a waggifh appellation, fince fhortened into
the familiar epithet of Yankees, which they retain
unto the prefent day.

IfEW-TOKK. ±79

) it is, and my fidelity as an hiftorian will not
le to pafs it over in filence, that the zeal of
x)d people, to maintain their rights and privi-
nimpaired, did for a while betray them into
which it is eafier to pardon than defend. Hav-
ed a regular apprenticefhip in the fchool of
tion, it behoved them to fhow that they had

proficients in the art. They accordingly em-
their leifure hours in banifhing, fcourging, or
; divers heretical papifts, quakers and anabap-
r daring to abufe the liberty of conscience ; which
•w clearly proved to imply nothing more, than
nry man mould think as he pleafed in matters
;ion — provided he thought right; for otherwife
d be giving a latitude to damnable heretics. -
\ they (the majority) were perfectly convinced,
y alone thought right, it confequently followed,
loever thought different from them thought
—and whoever thought wrong, and obftinatelyv
$ in not being convinced and converted, was
nt violater of the ineftimable liberty of con*
, and a corrupt and infectious member of the
>litic, and deferved to be lopped off and caft
\ fire.

I'll warrant there are hofts of my readers
t once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that
s indignation with which we always contem-
le faults and errors of our neighbours, and to
i at thefe well meaning but miftaken people,

180 history or :

for inflicting on others the injuries they had fuflered
themfelves — for indulging the prepofterous idea of:
convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and es-
tablifhing the doctrine of charity and forbearance by-
intolerant perfecution. — But, in fimple truth, what
are we doing at this very day, and in this very enlight-
ened nation, but acting upon the very fame principle,;
in our political controverfies. Have we not within,
but a few years rcleafed ourfelves from the (hackles
of a government, which cruelly denied, us the privi-.
lege of governing ourfelves, and ufing in full latitude
that invaluable member, the tongue ? and are we not
at this very moment ftriving our beft to tyrannife over
the opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the fortunes.
of one another? What are our great political fo*
cieties, but mere political in qui Gt ions — our pot-houfe
committees but little tribunals of denunciation— our
news-papers but mere whipping pofls and pillories,
where unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten
eggs — and our council of appointment — but a grand
auto de fe> where culprits are annually Sacrificed for
their political herefies ?

Where then is the difference in principle between
our meafures and thofe you are fo ready to condemn
among the people I am treating of ? There is none ;
the difference is merely circumftantial. — Thus we At*
nounce> inflead of banifliing — We UM 9 inftead of
fcourging — we turn out of office, inftead of hanging —
and where they burnt an offender in propria perfona*

kew-yo&k. 181

re either tar and feather or burn him in effigy — this
ditical perfecution being, fome how or other, the
rand palladium of our liberties, and an incontroverti-
le proof that this is a free country!

But notwithftanding the fervent zeal with which
lis holy war was profecuted againft the whole race
f unbelievers, we do not find that the population of
lis new colony was in any wife hindered thereby ; on
ie contrary they multiplied to a degree, which would
e incredible to any man unacquainted with the marv-
ellous fecundity of this growing country.

This amazing increafe may indeed be partly af-
ribed to a lingular cuftom prevalent among them, and
rhich was probably borrowed from the ancient re-
mblic of Sparta ; where we are told the young ladies,
either from being great romps and hoydens, or elfe,
ike many modern heroines, very fond of meddling
vith matters that did not appertain to their fex, ufed
frequently to engage with the men,* in wreftling, and
other athletic exercifes of the gymnafium. The . cus-
tom to which I allude was vulgarly known by the name
of bundling — a fuperftitious rite obferved by the young
people of both fexes, with which they ufually ter-
minated their feflivities ; and which was kept up with
Teligious itrictnefs, by the more bigoted and vulgar
part of the community. This ceremony was likewife f
in thofe primitive times, confidered as an indilpenfa-
ble preliminary to matrimony $ their courtfhips com-
mencing where ours ufually finite— by which means

18£ HISTORY OP

they acquired that intimate acquaintance with each
others good qualities before marriage, which has been
pronounced by philofophers the fure bads of a happy
union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious
people difplay a fhrewdnefs at making a bargain which
has ever fince diftinguiftied them — and a ftrict adher-
ence to the good old vulgar maxim about " buying a
pig in a poke."

To this fagacious tuftom, therefore, do I chiefly
attribute the unparalleled increafe of the yanokie or
yankee tribe ; for it is a certain fact, well authenti-
cated by court records and parifh regifters, that when-
ever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an
amazing number of fturdy brats annually born onto
the date, without the licenfe q{ the law, or the be-
nefit of clergy *, and it is truly aftoniihing that die
learned Mai thus, in his treatife on population, has
entirely overlooked this Angular fact. Neither did
the irregularity of their birth operate in the lead to
their difparagement. On the contrary, they grew np
a long fided, raw boned, hardy race of whorefbn whal-
ers, wood cutters, fifhermen and pedlars, and {trap-
ping corn-fed wenches j who by their united efforts
tended marvelloufly towards .populating thofe notable
tracts of country, called Nantucket, Pifcataway asd
Cape Cod.

KKW«-YOKK» . 1«S

CHAP. VII,

oic? these singular larbarians turned out to he
notorious squatters. How they built air castles,
and attempted to initiate the JCederlanders in
Vie mystery of bundling.

In the laft chapter I have given a faithful and un-
rejudiced account of the origin of that Angular race
F people, inhabiting the country eaftward of the
fieuw-Nederlandts ; but I have yet to mention cer^
lin peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly
bnoxious to our ever honoured Dutch anceftors*
The moft prominent of thefe was a certain rambling
ropenGty, with which, like the fons of Ifhmael, they
eem to have been gifted by heaven, and which conr
inuaJly goads them on, to fhift their refidence from
)lace to place, fo that a Yankee farmer is in a con-
lant date of migration ; tarrying occafionally here and
there ; clearing lands for other people to enjoy, build-
ing houfes for others to inhabit, and in a manner may
be confidered the ^wandering Arab of America.

His firft thought, on coming to the years of man*
hood, is to settle himfelf in the world — which means-
nothing more nor lefs than to begin his rambles. To
this end hit takes unto himfelf for a wife fome d^Qiing
country heirefs* that is to fay, a buxom rofy cheeked
wench, palling rich in red ribbands, glafs beads, and
vol. i. 18

184 HISTORY Of

mock tortoife-fliell combs, with a white gown and
morocco (hoes for Sunday, and deeply (killed in the
myftery of making apple fweetmeats, long fauce, and
pumpkin pie.

Having thus provided himfelf, like a true pedlar
With a heavy knapfack, wherewith to regale his (boul-
ders through the journey of life, he literally fets out
on the peregrination. His whole family, houfehold
furniture, and farming utenfils are hoifted into a co-
vered cart ; his own and his wife's wardrobe packed
up in a firkin — which done, he (boulders his axe,
takes ftaff in hand, whittles " yankee doodle" and
trudges off to the woods, as confident of the protec-
tion of providence, and relying as cheerfully upon
his own refources, as did ever a patriarch of yore,
when he journeyed into a ftrange country of the Gen-
tiles. Having buried himfelf in the wildernefs, he
builds himfelf a log hut, clears away a cornfield and
potatoe patch, and providence fmiiing upon his la-
bours, is foon furrounded by a fnug farm and fome
half a fcore of flaxen headed urchins, who, by their
fize feem to have fprung all at once out of the earth,
like a crop of toad-ftools.

But it is not the nature of .this moil indefatigable
Of fpecuhtors to reft contented with any ftate of fub
Iunary enjoyment— improvement is his darling paffion
and having thus improved his lands, the qQct care L
to provide a manfion worthy the refidence of a lane
holder. A huge palace of pine boards immediate!]

JTEW-YORK. 186

fprings up in the midft of the wildernefs, large enough
For a parifli church, and furnifhed with windows of
dl dimenfions, but fo rickety and ilimfy withal, that
svery blaft gives it a fit of the ague.

By the time the outfide of this mighty air caftle is
completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adven-
turer are exhaufted, fo that he barely manages to half
Snifh one room within, where the whole family bur-
raw together — while the reft of the houfe is devoted
jo the curing of pumpkins, or (taring of carrots and
potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful feftoons of
riited peaches and dried apples. The outfide re*
naming unpiainted, grows venerably black with time j
lb* family wardrobe is laid under contribution for
rid hats, petticoats, and breeches, to fluff into the
broken windows, while the four winds of heaven
keep up a whiftling and howling about this aerial pa-
lace, and play as many unruly gambols, as they did
rf yore, in the cave of old Eolus.

The humble log hut, which whilome neftled this
mproving family fnugly within its narrow but com-
fortable walls, ftands hard by in ignominious contraft,
degraded into a cow houfe or pig ft ye; and the whole
cede ttmwi* otife forcibly of a fable, which I am
[urprifed has never been recorded, of an afpiring
[had, who quit his humble habitation, which he filled
with gri% intestability, to crawl into the empty
(hell of a IdUker— where he would no doubt have
refided witfi great ftyle and fplendour, tbe envy and

±86 HISTORY Of

* hate of all the pains-taking f nails of his neighboi
hood, had he not accidentally periflied with cold,
.*>ce corner of. his ftupendous manfion.

Being thus completely fettled, and to ufe his cr
words, « to rights," one would imagine that he woi
begin to enjoy the comforts of his fituation, to n
newfpapers, talk politics, neglect his own bufm<
and attend to the affairs of the nation, like a'ufe
and patriotic citizen; but now it is that his wayw
difpofition begins again to operate. He foon grc
tired of a fpot, where there is. no longer any room
improvement — fells his farm, air caftle, petticoat w
dows and all, reloads his cart, (boulders his axe, p
himfelf at the head of his family, and wanders a\
in fearch of n?w lands — again to fell trees — again
clear cornfields — again to build a fhingle palace, ;
again to fell off, and wander.

Such were the people of Connecticut, who b
dered upon the eaftern frontier of Nieuw-Nederlai*<
and my readers may eafily imagine what obnoxi
neighbours this light hearted but reftlefs tribe rr
have been to our tranquil progenitors. If they c
not, I would afk them, if they have ever known <
of our regular, well organized, Dutch families, wh
it hath pleafed heaven to afflict with the neighbc
hood of a French boarding houfe. The honeft
burgher cannot take his afternoon's pipe, o^Rie be:
before his door, but he is perfecuted with the fcrap
of fiddles, the chattering of women, and the fqi

NEW-YORK. 18T

ling of children — he cannot fleep at night for the hor-
•fible melodies of feme amateur, who chotfes to fe-
renade the moon, and difplay his terrible proficiency
in execution, by playing demifemiquavers in alt on the
clarionet, the hautboy, or fome other foft toned in-
Axmaent — nor can he leave the ftreet door open, but
Jus houfe 15 defiled by the unfavoury vifits of a troop
of pug dogs, who even fometimes carry their loath-
fome ravages into the fanctum fanctorum, the parlour!

If nay readers have ever witneffed the fufferings of
fuch a family, fo (ituated, they may form fome idea
bow our worthy anceftors were diftreffed by their
mercurial neighbours of Connecticut.

Gangs of thefe marauders, we are told* penetrated
into .die New-Netherland fettlements and threw whole
Tillages into confternation by their unparalleled volu-
bility, and their intolerable inquifitivenefs — two evil
habits hitherto unknown in fhofe parts, or only known
to be abhorred 3 for our anceftors were noted, as be-
ing men of truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither
knew nor cared aught about any body's concerns but
their own. Many enormities were committed on the
high ways, where feveral unoffending burghers were
brought to a ftand, and tortured with questions and
guefies, which outrages occafioned as much vexation
and heart burning as does the modern right of fearch
on the high feas.

Great jealoufy did they likewife ftir up, by their
intermeddling and luccefles among the divine fes \ for

13 *

183 H18T0BY OF

being a race of brifk, likely, pleafant tongued variety
they foon feduced the light affections of the finpb
damfels from their ponderous Dutch gallants.- Among
other hideous cuftoms, they attempted to introduce
among them that of bundling, which the Dutch lafle*
of the Nederlandts, with that eager paffion for novelty
and foreign fafhions natural to their fex, feemed very
well inclined to follow, but that their mothers, being
more experienced in the world, and better acquainted
with men and things, ftrenuoufly discountenanced all
fuch outlandifh innovations.

But what chiefly operated to embroil our anceftors
with thefe ftrange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty
which they occafionally took, of entering in hordes
into the territories of the New-Netherlands, and fet-
tling themfelves down, without leave or licence, to
improve the land, in the manner I have before noticed.
This unceremonious mode of taking pofieffion of new
land was technically termed squatting, and hence is
derived the appellation of squatters ? a name odious in
the ears of all great landholders, and which is given
to thofe enterprifing worthies, who feize upon land
firft, and take their >chance to make good their tide
to it afterwards.

All thefe grievances, and many others which were
conftantly accumulating, tended to. form that dark and
portentous cloud, which, as I obferved in. a former
chapter, was flowly gathering over the tranquil pro*
vince of New-Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of

tfEW-TGHK. 18*

Twiller, however, as will be perceived in the
el, bore them all with a magnanimity that re-
tds to their immortal credit— becoming by paffive
usance inured to this increafing mafs of wrongs;
the fage old woman of Ephefus, who by dint of
ring about a calf from the time it was bom, con-
ed to carry it without difficulty when it had grown
e an ox*

19f UISTOIY <TF -

CHAP. Till *

How Vie Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully belat x
ed — how the renowned Wouter fell into a
found doubt, and how he finally emporat

Br this time my readers mult fully perceive
an arduous talk I have undertaken — collecting
collating with painful minutenefs the chronic!
paft times, whofe events almoft defy the pow<
refearch — exploring a little kjnd of Herculanei
hiftory, which had lain nearly for ages, buried
the rubbifh of years, and almoft totally forgot
raking up the limbs and fragments of disjointed
and endeavouring to put them fcrupuloufly tog
fo as to reftore them to tfieir original form anc
nection — now lugging forth the character of s
mod forgotten hero, like a mutilated ftatue-
decyphering a half defaced inscription, and now
ing upon a mouldering manufcript, which, after
f ul ftudy, fcarcejepays the trouble of perufal.

In'fuch cafe how much has the reader to d<
upon the honour and probity of his author, left
a cunning antiquarian, he either impofe upon
fome fpurious fabrication of his own, for a pre
relique from antiquity — or elfe drefs up the difi
bered fragment, with fuch falfe trappings, tha
fcarcely poffibk to diftinguifli the truth from th

JTEW-TOHK. 191

th which it is enveloped. This is a .grievance
[ ha * more than once had to lament, in the
of my wearifome refearches among the works
: ellow hiftorians ; who have ftrangely difguifed
torted the facts refpecting this country ; and
iarly refpecting the great province ot New*
lands ; as will be perceived by any who will
? trouble to compare their romantic effufions,
out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with
hentic hiftory.

e had more vexations of the kind to encoun-
thofe parts of my hiftory which treat of the
:ions on the eaftern border, than in any other,
equence of the troop3 of hiftorians who have

thofe quarters, and have (hewn the honeft
>f Nieuw.Nederlandts no mercy in their works.

the reft, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly
• that « the Dutch were always mere intru-
-Now to this I (hall make no other reply,
proceed in the fteady narration of my hiftory,
will contain not only proofs that the Dutch
tr title and poffeffion in 'the fair valleys of the
ticut, and that they w$re wrongfully difppfles-
reof — but likewife that they have been fcan-
' maltreated ever fince, by the mifreprefen-
of the crafty hiftorians of New-England. And
[ {hall be guided by a fpiritof truth and impar-
nd a regard to immortal fame — for I would
tingly dUbonour, my work by a fingle fahV

192 HISTORY OF

hood, mifreprefentation or prejudice, thoogh it ftoi
gain our forefathers the whole -country of Ne
England.

It was at an early period of the province, and p
vious to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, t
the cabinet of Nieuw-Nederiandts purchafed the lai
about the Connecticut, and eftabliftied, for their
perintendence and protection, a fortified poll on
banks of the river, which was called Fort Goed Ho
a.nd was fituated hard by the prefeht fair city of .Hi
ford. The command of this important pod, toget
with the rank, title, and appointments of coramiffj
were given in charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Cur
or, as fome hiftorians will have it, Van Curlis— a m
doughty foldier, of that ftomachful clafs of which
have fuch numbers on parade days— who are fam
for eating all they kill. He was of a very foldieri
appearance, and would have been an exceeding
man, had his legs been in proportion to his boc
but the latter being long, and the former uncommo
flvort, it gave him the uncouth appearance of a
man's body, mounted upon a little man's legs,
made up for this turnfpit conftruction of body
throwing his legs to fuch an extent when he march
that you would have f worn he had on the ident:
feven league boots of the farfamed Jack the gi
killer ; and fo aftonifhingly high did he tread, on i
great military occafion, that his foldiers were oft tic
alarmed, left he fhould trample bim&lf under foot

NEW-YOBJL. 193

. But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and
ike appointment of thi3 ugly little man of war as a
Commander, the intrepid Yankees continued thofe
faring interlopings which I have hinted at in my laft
tiaapter ; and taking advantage of the character which
the cabinet of Wouter Van Twiller foon acquired,
far profound and phlegmatic tranquillity — did auda-
Urafly invade the territories of the NieuwrNeder-
Jandte, and squat themfelves down within the very
jvuxiiction of fort Goed Hoop.

On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van
Cnrlet proceeded as became a prompt and valiant of-
ficer. He immediately protefted againft thefe unwar-
rantable encroachments, in low Dutch, by way of
infpiring more terror, and forthwith difpatchcd a copy
«f the proteft to the governor at New-Amfterdam,
together with a long and bitter account of the aggres-
fions of the enemy. This done, he ordered his men,
one and ail, to be of good cheer — (hut the gate of
the fort, fmoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited
the refult with a refolute and intrepid tranquillity,
that greatly animated his adherents, and no doubt
ftruck fore difmay and affright into the hearts of the
enemy.

Now it came to pafs, that about this time, the re*
nowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and ho-
nours, and council dinners, had reached that period
of life and faculty which, according to the great Gul-
liver, entitles a man to admiffion into the ancient order

194 HISTORY 07

of Struldbruggs. He employed his time in fmoklnj
his turkifh pipe, amid an aflcmblage of fl&es, equall]
enlightened, and nearly as venerable as himfelf, and
who, for their (ilence, their gravity, their wifdom 3
and their cautious aveifenefs to coming to any conclu-
fion in bufincfs, are only to be equalled by certain
profound corporations which I hare known in my
time. Upon reading the proteft of the gallant Jaco-
bus Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell ftraight-
way into one of the decpeft doubts that ever he was
known to encounter; his capacious head gradually
drooped on his cheft,* he clofed his eyes, and inclined
his ear 'to one fide, as if liftening with great 'attention
to the difcuffion that was going on in his belly; which
arl who knew him declared to be the huge court-houfe,
or council chamber of his thoughts ; forming td his
head what the houfe of reprefentatives do to the fenate.
An inarticulate found, very much refembling a. fnore,
occafionally efcaped him — but the nature of this in-
ternal cogitation was never known, as he never opened
his lips on the fubject to man, woman, or child. In
the mean time, the proteft of Van Curlet laid quietly
on the table, where it ferved to light the pipes of the
venerable fages affembled in council; and in the great
fmoke which they raifed, the gallant Jacobus, his
proteft, and his mighty Fort Goed Hoop, were foon

+ " Perplexed with vast affairs of rtate and town,
" His great head being overset, hangs down."

Teleclides, in Periclff.

KEW-YOEK. 19?

j completely beclouded and forgotten, as is a ques-
en of emergency fwallowed up in the fpeeches and
dotations of a modern feffion of congrefs.

There are certain emergencies when your profound
?giflators and fage deliberative councils, are mightily
1 the way of a nation ; and when an ounce of hair
rained decifion is worth a pound of fage doubt, and
autious difcuffion. Such at leafl was the cafe at «
irefeht; for while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller
tras daily battling with his doubts, and his resolution
rowing weaker and weaker in the conteft, the enemy
iuflied further and further into his territories, and
{Turned a moft formidable appearance in the neigh-
bourhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded
he mighty town of Pyquag, or, as it has finoe been
ailed, Weathersfieldy a place which, if we may credit
he affertioris of that worthy hiftorian John JofTelyn,
Sent. " hath been infamous by reafon of the witches
herein." — And fo daring did thefe men of Pyquag
tecome, that they extended thofe plantations of onions,
or which their town is illuffrious, under the very
lofes of the garrifon of Fort Goed Hoop— infomuch
hat the honeft Dutchmen could not look toward that
juarter without tears in their eyes.

This crying injuftice was regarded with proper in-
lignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet* He
ibfolutely trembled with the amazing violence of his
:holer and the exacerbations of his valour; which
feemed to be the more turbulent in their workings^.

VOL. i/ 19

196 HISTORY 0¥

from the length of the body, in which they
agitated. He forthwith proceeded to ftreqgth
redoubts, heighten his breaftwerks, deepen his
and fortify his pofition with a double row of at
after which valiant precautions, he with unexa
intrepidity, difpatched a frefli courier with tre
oiis accounts of his perilous Situation. Never c
modern hero, who immortalized himfelf at the I
Sabine war, (how greater valour in the art of
writing, or diftinguifh himfelf more glorioufly
paper, than the heroic Van Curlet.

The courier chofen to bear thefe alarmin
patches, was a fat, oily little man, as being lead
to be worn out, or to lofe leather on the joi
and to infure his fpeed, he was mounted on the :
waggon horfe in the garrifon, remarkable f
length of limb, largenefs of bone, and hardi
trot ; and fo tall, that the little meflenger was <
to climb on his back by means of his tail and ci
Such extraordinary fpeed did he make, that he ;
at Fort Amfterdam in Kttle lefs than a month, 1
the diftance was full two hundred pipes, or abo
miles.

The extraordinary appearance of this port
ftranger would have thrown the whole town of
Amfterdam into a quandary, had the good
troubled themfelves- about any thing more thai
domeftic affairs. With an appearance of great
and bttfinefs, and fmoking a (hort travelling pi

NEW-YORK. 19*

oceeded on a long fwing trot through the muddy
nes of the metropolis^ demolifliing whole batches
F dirt pies, which the little Dutch children were
raking in the road ; and for which kmd of paftry the
nldren of this city have ever been famous — On ar-
ving at the governors houfe, he climbed down from
is fteed in great trepidation*, roufed the grey headed
oor keeper, old Skaats, who, like bis lineal defcend*
nt and faithful reprefentative, the venerable crier of
ur court, was nodding at his poft — rattled at the
oor of the council chamber, and ftartled the mem*
ers as they were dozing over a plan for eftaWiihmg
public market.

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a
eep drawn fnore was heard from the chair of the go-
ernor ; a whiff of fmoke was at the fame inftant ob-
srved to efcape from his lips, and a light cloud to
fcend from the bowl of his pipe. The council of
ourfe fuppofed him engaged in deep fleep for the
ood of the community, and according to cuftom in
11 fuch cafes eftablifhed, every man bawled out
ilence, in order to maintain tranquillity ; when of a
udden, the door flew open, and the little courier
traddled into the apartment, cafed to the middle in
i pair of Heffian boots, which he had got into for the
ake of 'expedition. In his right hand hfcvheld forth
:he ominous difpatches, and with ^Wp grafped
irmly the waift-band of his galligaflnnf! which had
imfortunately given way, in the exertion of defcend-

IfS HISTORY OF, &C.

.ing from his horfe. He flumped refolutely up
governor, and with more hurry than perfpici
livered his raeflage. But fortunately his ill
came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of thi
tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency I
breathed and fraoked his laft — his lungs and h
having been exhaufted together, and his peacef
having efcaped in the laft whiff that curled fr<
tobacco pipe— In a word) the renowned Wal
Doubter, who had fo often flumbered with 1
temporaries, now flept with his fathers, and "V
muB Kieft governed in his ftead.

EflB OF BOOK Uf,

BOOK IV.

Containing the Chronicles of the reign of William the

Testy.

CHAP. I.

Skewing the nature of history in general; eon-
tabling furthermorethe universal acquirements
of William the Testy, and how a man may
learn so much, as to render himself good for
nothing*

When the lofty Thucydide* is about to enter upon
his defcription of the plague that defolated Athens,
one of his modern commentators* allures the reader,
that the hiftory " is now going to he exceeding folemn,
ferious, and pathetic ;" and hints, with that air of
chuckling gratulation, with which a good dame draws
forth a choice morfel from a cupboard to regale a fa-
vorite, that this plague will give his hiftory a molt
agreeable variety.

In like manner did my heart leap within me, when
I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope,
which I at once perceived to be the forerunner of
b feries of great events and entertaining difafters.
Such are the true fubjects for the hiftoric pen. For

«

* Smith's Thucyd. Vol. 1.
19 *

202 HISTORY 0»

to a melancholy conviction, that by patient iuffimnct
its grievances had become fo numerous and aggravating
that it was preferable to repel than endure them,
The reader will now witnefs the manner in which
a peaceful community advances towards a ftate o{
war ; which it is too apt to approach, as a horfe
does a drum, with much prancing and parade, but
with little progrefs— -and too often with the wrong end

faremoft*

Wilhelmus Kieft who in 1634 afcended thi
^Gubernatorial chair, (to borrow a favourite, though
clumfy appellation of modern phrafeologifts) was in
form, feature and character, the very reverfe of Woutei
Van T wilier, his renowned predeceuor. He was oi
very refpectable defcent, his father being Infpectorol
Windmils in the ancient town of Saardam \ and oiy
hero we are told made very curious inveftigations into
the nature and operations of thofe machines when
a boy, which is one reafon why he afterwards came
to be fo ingenious a governor. His name accord-
ing to the moil ingenious etymologifts was a cor-
ruption of Kyver, that is to say a wrangler or fcMer x
and exprefled the hereditary diipofition of his family;
which for nearly two centuries, had kept the windy
town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more
tartars and brimftones than any ten families in the
place—and fo truly did Wilhelmus Kieft inherit this
family endowment, that he had fcarcely been a yeai
in the difcharge of his government, before he waa

k

lm tempted to believe* that plots, confpiracies, wars,
victories and maflacres, are ordained by providence
only as food for the hiftorian.

■ It is a fource of great delight to the philofopher,
in ftudyihg the wonderful economy of nature, to
trace the mutual dependencies of things, how they
are created reciprocally for each other, and how the
moft noxious and apparently unnecefTary animal hat
its ufes. Thus thofe fwarms of flies, which are fo
often execrated as ufelefs vermin, are created for the
Aiftenanceof fpiders — and fpiders on the other hand,
are evidently made to devour flies. So thofe heroes
who have been fuch pefts in the world, were bounte-
oufly provided as themes for the poet and the hiftorian,
while the poet and hiftorian were deftined to record
the atchievements of heroes !

■ Thefe, and many fimilar reflections, naturally arofe
in my mind, as I took up my pen to commence the
reign of William Kief t : for now the ftream of our
hiftory, which hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current,
is about to depart forever from its peaceful haunts, and
brawl through many a turbulent and rugged fcene. Like
fome fleek ox, which, having fed and fattened in a rich
dover field lies funk in luxurious repofe, and will
bear repeated taunts and blows, before it heaves its
unwieldy limbs and clumfily aroufes from its flumbers/
So the province of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, having
long thrived and grown corpulent, under the profper-
ous reign of the Doubter, was reluctantly awakened

204 v HISTORY or

little refembling the wrinkled probofcis of an irritable

pug dog — in a word he was one of ^he mod pofithre,

reftlefs, ugly, little men, that ever put himfelf in t~

paflion about nothing.

Such were the perfbnal endowments of William

the Tefty, but it was the fterling riches of his mini
that raifed him to dignity and power. In his youtk
he had pafled with great credit through a celebrated
academy at the Hague, noted for producing fcnifb-
ed fcholars with a difpatch unequalled, except by
certain of our American colleges,- which feem to
manufacture bachelors of arts, by fo&»e patent ma-
chine. Here he fkirmifhed very fmartly on the
frontiers of feveral of the fciences, and made 6
gallant an inroad in the dead languages, as to bring
off captive a hoft of Greek nouns and Latin verb*,
together with divers pithy faws and apothegms, aU
which he conftantly paraded in converfatioa and
writing, with as much vain glory as would a n>
umphant general of yore difplay the fpoiteof the coun-
tries he had ravaged. He had moreover puzzled
himfelf confiderably with logic, in which he had ad-
vanced fo far as to attain a very familiar acquaintance, b]
name at leaft, with the whole family of fyllogifms and
dilemmas-, but what he chiefly valued himfelf ofij
was his knowledge of met a phytic 8, in which, having
once upon a time ventured too deeply, he eame well
nigh being fmothered in a flough of unintelligible
learning — a fearful peril, from the effects of which

NEW-YORK. 406

er perfectly recovered— In plain words, like
ther profound intermeddlers in this abftrufe
rring fcience, he fo confufed his brain, with
: fpeculations which he could not comprehend,
Lficial diftinctions which he could not realize,
could never think clearly on any fubject, how-
nple, through the whole courfe pf his life af*
is. This, I muft confefs, was in fome measure
>rtune, for he never engaged in argument, of
he was exceeding fond, but what, between
deductions and metaphyfical jargon, he foon
»d himfelf and his fubject in a fog of contra*
s and perplexities, and then would get into a
r paflion with his adverfary, for not being con-
gratis.

3 in knowledge, as in fwimming. be who os-
oufly fports and flounders on the furface, makes
noife and fplafliing, and attracts more atten*
han the induftrious pearl diver, who plunges
ch of treafures to the bottom. The « univerfal
ements" of William Kieft, were the fubject of
marvel and admiration among his countrymen—
ured about at th^ Hague with as much vain
as does a profound Bonze at Pekin, who has
red half the letters of the Chinefe alphabet v
t a word, was unanimoufly pronounced an uni-
genius! — I have known many univerfal geniufee
time* though, to fpeak my mind freely, I never
one, who, for the ordinary purpofes of life,*

%06 HISTOKT 09

was worth his weight in ftraw — but for the purjto
of government, a little found judgment, and pi
common fenfe, is worth all the fparkling genius t
ever wrote poetry, or invented theories.

Strange as it may found, therefore, the univei
mcqmrements of the illuftrious Wilhelmuf*. 1 were v<
much in his way, and had he been a lefs lean
man, it is poffible he would have been a much grea
governor. He was exceedingly fond of trying phi
fophical and political experiments ; and having ftuf
his head full of fcraps and remnants of ancient
publics, and oligarchies, and ariftocracies, and mon
chies, and the laws of Solon and Lycurgus and CI
rondas, and the imaginary commonwealth of Pla
and the Pandects of Juftinian, and a thoufand otl
fragments of venerable antiquity, he was forever b<
upon introducing fome one or other of them into u
fo that between one contradictory meafure and ai
ther, he entangled the government of Otip little pi
vince of Nieuw-Nederlandts in more knots during I
adminiftration, than half a dozen fucceflbrs could ha
untied.

No fooner had this buftling little man been bloi
by a whiff of fortune into the feat of governmei
than he called together his council, and delivered
very animated fpeech on the affairs of the prdvinc
As every body knows what a glorious opportunity
governor, a prefident, or even an emperor has, <
drubbing his enemies in his fpeeches, meflages, an

NEW-YORK. £07

ttUetina, where he has the talk all on his own fide,
hey may be fore the high mettled Willum Kieft did
ut fuffer fo favourable an occafion to efcape him, of
wincing that gallantry of tongue, common to all able
egiflaters* Before he commenced, it is recorded that
k took out his pocket handkerchief, and gave a very
baorous blaft of the nofe, according to the ufual
Bottom of great orators. This in general I believe
is intended as a fignal trumpet, to call the attention
if the auditors, but with William the Tefty it
toafted a more claflic caufe, for he had read of the
lingular expedient of that famous demagogue Caius
Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Roman po-
pulace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or
pitch-pipe.

This preparatory fymphony being performed, he
commenced by exprefling a humble fenfe of his own
rant of talents — his utter unworthinefc of the honour
conferred upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to
lifcharge the important duties of his new ftation — in
(hort, he expreffed fo contemptible an opinion of him-
felf, that many fimple country members prefent, ig-
norant that thefe were mere words of courfe, always
ufed on fuch occafions, were very uneafy, and even
felt wroth that he ihould accept an office, for which
he was confcioufly fo inadequate.

He then proceeded in a manner highly claflic, pro-
foundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpofe,

vol. i. 20

20S HtSTOfcY Of

being nothing more than a pompous account of all
the governments of ancient Greece, and the wars of
Rome and Carthage, together with the rife and fall
of fundry outlandifh empires, about which the affeffl-
bly knew no more than their great grand children
who were yet unborn. Thus having, after the man-
ner of your learned orators, convinced the audience
that he was a man of many words and great erudition,
he at length came to the lefs important part of his
fpeech, the Ctuation of the province — and here he
foon worked himfelf into a fearful rage againft the
Yankees, whom he compared to the Gauls who de-
foiated Rome, and the Goths and Vandals who over-
ran the faireft plains of Europe — nor did he forget to
mention, in terms of adequate opprobrium, the info-
lence with which they had encroached upon the ter-
ritories of New-Netherlands, and the unparalleled
audacity with which they had commenced the town
of New-Plymouth^ and planted the onion patches of
Weathersfield under the very walls of Fort Goed
Hoop,

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror
to a climax, he aflumed a felf fatisfied look, and de-
clared, with a nod of knowing import, that he had
taken meafures to put a final flop to thefe encroach-
ments — that he had been obliged to have recourfe to
a dreadful engine of warfare, lately invented, awful
in its effects, but authorized by direful neceffity. In

NEW-YORK. 209

i

a word, he was refolved to conquer the Yankees — by
proclamation !

. For this purpofe he had prepared a tremendous in-
Jtrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, and en-
joining the intruders aforefaid, forthwith to remove,
depart and withdraw from the diftricts, regions, and
territories aforefaid, under pain of fuffering all the
penalties, forfeitures, and punifhments in fuch cafe
made and. provided, &c» This proclamation, he as-
fared them, would at once exterminate the enemy
font the face of the country, and he pledged his
valour as a governor, that within two months after it
was publifhed, not one (lone fliould remain on another
in any of the town.s which they had built.
. The council remained for fome time filent after he
bad finifhed ; whether (truck dumb with admiration
at the brilliancy of his project, or put to fleep by the
length of his harangue, the hiftory of the times doth
not mention. Suffice it to fay, they at length gave a
univerfal grunt of acquiefcence — the proclamation was
immediately difpatched with due ceremony, having
the great feal of the province, which was about the
fize of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a
broad red ribband. Governor Kieft having thus
rented his indignation, felt greatly relieved — adjourned
the council sine die — put on his cocked hat and cor-
duroy fmall clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned
charger, trotted out to his country feat, which was
fituated in a fweet, fequeftered fwamp, now called

210 HISTORY Of

Dutch ftreet, but more commonly known by the paie
of Dog's Mifery.

Here, like the good Numa, he repofed from die
toils of legiflation, taking leffons in government, wrt
from the Nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife
of his bofom ; who was one of that peculiar kind of
females, fent upon earth a little after the flood, as a
puni(hment for the fins of mankind, and commonly
known by the appellation of knowing women. In fact,
my duty as an hiftorian obliges me to make known a
tircumftanoe which was a great fecret at the time,
and confequently was not a fubject of fcandal at mote
than half the tea tables in New-Amfterdam, but
which, like many other great fecrets, has leaked oaJ
In the lapfe of years — and this was, that the great
Wilhelmus the Tefty, though one of the moft potent
little men that ever breathed, yet fubmitted at home
to a fpecies of government, neither laid down in
Ariftotle, nor Plato ; in fhort, it partook of the na-
ture of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familiarl]
denominated petticoat government. — An abfolute fway
which, though exceedingly common in thefe moderr
days, was very rare among the ancients, if we ma]
judge from the rout made about the domeftic eco
nomy of honeft Socrates •, which is the only ancienl
cafe on record.

The great Kief t, however, warded off all the fheen
and farcafms of his particular friends, who are evei
ready to joke with a man on fore points of the kind

KEW-YOBK. 211

by alleging that it was a government of. his own
diction, to which he fubmitted through choice \ ad*
fng at the fame time a profound maxim which he
fad found in an ancient author, that " he who would
afpire to govern, fhould firft learn to *bty"

20 *

£jg UIlTOBT O.V

CHAP. IL

In which are recorded the sage Project* of u JWfi
of universal Genius. The art of Fighting tj
Proclamations—and how thai the valiant Jam
bus Van CurUt came to he fouUy iishonowrt
aX Fort Goed Hoop.

Never was a more comprehenfive, a more cxp

ditious, or, what is ftill better, a more economic

meafure deviled, than Ais of defeating the Yanks

by proclamation— an expedient, likewife, lb human

fo gentle and pacific ; there were ten chances to o

in favour of its fucceeding,— but then there was o

Vhance to ten that it would not i ucceed — as the i

natured fates would have it, that fingle chance earn

the day! The proclamation was perfect in all

parts, well conftructed, well written, well fealed, a

well publiflied — all that was wanting to infoie

effect, was that the Yankees (hould ftand in awe

it ; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with 1

mod abfolute contempt, applied it to an unfeei

purpofe, and thus did the firft warlike proclamati

come to a ftiameful end — a fate which I am credil

informed, has befallen but too many of its fucceflc

It was a long time before Wilhehnus Kieft coi

be perfuaded by the united effort* of ail his couui

i

HEW-YOKE. «13

**, that his war meafures had failed in producing
ny effect,— On the contrary, he flew in a paffion
rhenever any one dared to queflion its efficacy $ and
'wore, fhat though it was flow }n operating, yet when
met it began to work, it would foon purge the land
if thefe rapacious intruders. Time, however, that
toft of all experiments both in philofophy and po-
litics* at length convinced the great Kieft, that his
proclamation was abortive ; and that notwithftanding
be had waited nearly four years, in a ftate of conftant
irritation, yet he was ftUl further off than ever from
the object of his withes. His implacable adverfaries
m die eaft became more and more troubleforoe in
their encroachments, and founded the thriving colony
rf Hartford dofe upon the fkirts of Fort Goed Hoop.
They moreover commenced the fair fettlement of
tfcwhaven (alias the Red Hills) within the domains
of their high mightinefles — while the onion patches
of Pyquag were a continual eye fore to the garrifon
cf Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the inef-
ficacy of his meafure, the fage Kieft, like many a
worthy practitioner of phytic, laid the blame, not to
die medicine, but the quantity adminiftered, and re-
Mutely refolved to double the dofe.

In die year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth
year of his reign, he fulminated againft them a fecond
proclamation, of heavier metal than the former ; writ-
ten in thundering long fentences, not one word of
which was under- five fyllables. This, in fact, was a

214 HISTOXT OF

kind of non-intercourfe bill, forbidding and prohibit-
ing all commerce and connexion, between any and
erery of the faid Yankee intruders, and the faid for- ■
tified poft of Fort Goed Hoop, and ordering, com- ,
rnanding and advifing, all his trufty, loyal and well-
beloved fubjects, to furnifh them with no fupplies of
gin, gingerbread or four crout ; to buy none of their
pacing horfes, meazly pork, apple brandy, Yankee
rum, cider water, apple fweetmeats, Weathersfield
onions or wooden bowls, but to ftarve and extermi-
nate them from the face of the land.

Another paufe of a twelve* month enfued, during
which the laft proclamation received the fame, atten-
tion, and experienced the fame fate as the firft— at
the end of which term, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet
difpatched his annual mefienger, with his cuftomary
budget of complaints and entreaties. Whether the
regular interval of a year, intervening between the
arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was occafioned by
the fyftematic regularity of his movements, or by the
immenfe diftance at which he was ftationed from die
feat of government is a matter of uncertainty. Some
have afcribed it to the flownefs of his meflengers,
who, as I have before noticed, were chofen from
the fliorteft and fatteft of his garrifon, as leaft likely
to be worn out on the road; and who,. being purfy»
fhort winded little men, generally travelled fifteen
miles a day, and then laid by a whole week, to reft.
All thefe, however, are matters of conjecture) and

NEW-YORK. £16

ter think it may be afcribed to the immemorial
3i of this worthy country— and which has ever
inced all its public tranfactions — not to do things
mrry.

le gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his difpatchet
:tfully represented, that feveral years had now
?d, fince his firft application to his late excellency,
enowned Wouter Van Twiller: during which
ral, his garrifon had been reduced nearly one*
h, by the death of two of his mod valiant, and
ilent foldiers, who had accidentally over eaten
fehres on fome fat falmon, caught in the Varfehe
He further dated, that the enemy perfifted in
inroads, taking no notice of the fort or its in-
ants ; but fquatting themfelves down, and form*
sttlements all around it; fo that, in a little while,
ould find himfelf enclofed and blockaded by the
ly, and totally at their mercy,
t among the mod atrocious of his grievances, I
the following (till on record, which may ferve to
the bloody minded outrages of thefe favage in-
;rs. " In the meane time, they of Hartford have
>nely ufurped and taken in the lands of Connec-
t, although unrighteoufly and againft the lawes
rtions, but have hindered our nation in fowing
i owne purchafed broken up lands, but have alfo
i them with corne in the night, which the Ne-
mders had broken up and intended to fowe : and
beaten the fervants of the high and mighty the

216 HISTORY a*

honored companie, which were labouring upon
matter's lands, from theire lands, with (licks an<
(laves in hoilile manner laming, and amongft th
(truck Ever Duckings* a hole in his head, with a
foe that the blood ran downe very ftrongly <
upon his body," ,

But what is dill more atrocious —
" Thofe of Hartford fold a hogg, that belon
the honored companie, under pretence that i
eaten of theire grounde.grafs, when they had n<
foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg ;
if the commiflioners would have given 5/. for da
which the commiflioners denied, becaufe noe
owne hogg (as men ufe to fay) can trefpafs up
owne reader's grounde."f

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in<
the whole community — there was fomething in
fpoke to the dull comprehenfion, and touched tl
tufe feelings even of the puiflant vulgar, who
rally require a kick in the rear, to awaken their
bering dignity. I have known my profound :
citizens bear without murmur, a thoufand ef
infringements of their rights, merely becaufe
were not immediately. obvious to their fenfes — b
moment the unlucky Pearce was (hot upon our <

* This name is no doubt mispelt. In some old Dutch J
the time, we fi#d the uame of Evert Duyckingh, who is u
tionably the unfortunate hero above al'uded to.

| Ha*. Col. SUt. Pa*?.

k-

NEW- YORK* $17

whole body politic was in a ferment — fo the en*
btened Nederlanders, though they had treated the
croachments of their eaftern neighbours with but
le regard, and left their quill valiant governor, to
ar die whole brunt of war, with his (ingle pen—*
t now every individual felt his head broken in the
oken head of Ducking3 — and the unhappy fate of
eir fellow citizen the hog ; being imprefied, carried
d fold into captivity, awakened a grunt of fympathy
>m every bofom.

The governor and council, goaded by the cla*
iurs of the multitude, now fat themfelves earneft-
to deliberate upon what was to be done., Procla-
ttions had at length fallen into temporary difrepute ;
me were for fending the Yankees a tribute, as we
ike peace offerings to the petty Barbary powers, or
the Indians facrifice to the devil. Others were for
lying them out, but this was opposed, as it would
acknowledging their title to the land they had seized,
variety of meafures were, as ufual in fuch cafes,
opofed, difcufled and abandoned, ' and the council
d at Uft, to adopt the means, which being the moft
tnmon and obvious, had been knowingly overlook-
. — for your amazing acute politicians, are forever
3king through telefcopes, which only enable them
fee fuch objects as are far off, and unattainable ;
it which incapacitate them to fee fuch things as
e in their reach, and obvious to all flmple folks,
ho are content to look with the naked eyes, heaven

«

fig HISTORY OT

has given them. The profound council, as I hue
(aid, in their purfuit after Jack-o'-lanterns, accidental^
{tumbled on the very meafure they were in need off:
which was to raife a body of troops, and difptth
them to the relief and reinforcement of the garrifift
This meafure was carried into fuch prompt operatiflSi
that in lefs than twelve months, the whole expedition
confiding of a ferjeant and twelve men, was ready Is
march ; and was reviewed for that purpofe, in the
public fquare, now known by the name of the Bow-
ling Green. Juft at this juncture the whole commu-
nity was thrown into conilernation, by the faddea
arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet ; who cane
draggling into town at the head of his crew of tatter*
demalions, and bringing the melancholy tidings rf
his own defeat, and the capture of the redoutable pot
of Fort Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees.

The fate of this important fortrefs, is an imprefim
Warning to all military commanders. It was neither
carried by ftorm, nor famine ; no practicable bread
was effected by cannon or mines ; no magazines were
blown up by red hot (hot, nor were the barrack)
demolifhed, or the garrifon deftroyed, by die burftinj
of bombfhells. In fact, the place was taken by a
ftratagem no lefs Angular than effectual ; and one thai
can never fail of fucceft, whenever an opportunity
occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am I to add,
for the credit of our illuftrious anoeftors, that it wis
a ftratagem, which though it impeached the vigilance,

t left the bravery of the intrepid Van Curlet and his
trrifon perfectly free from reproach.
It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of
he regular habits of the garrifon, watched a favour-
ale opportunity and filently introduced themfelves into
ie fort, about the middle of a fultry day ; when its
tgilant defenders, having gorged themfelves with a
earty dinner and fmoked out their pipes, were one
nd all fnoring mod obdreperoufly at their pods, little
reaming of fo difafterous an occurrence. The ene-
ay mod inhumanly feized Jacobus Van Curlet and
us fturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gal-
inted them to the gate of the fort, and difmiffed
hem feverajly, with a kick on the crupper, as Charles
he twelfth difmifled the heavy bottomed Ruffians,
liter the battle of Narva — only taking care to give
wo kicks to Van Curlet, as a fignal mark of diftino

tion.
A ftrong garrifon was immediately edablKhed in the

Fort, confiding of twenty long fided, hard fided Yan-

iiees». with Weathersfield onions duck in their hats,

by way of cockades and feathers — long rudy fowling

pieces for mufkets— hady pudding, dumb fift, pork

and molafles for ftores ; and a huge pumpkin was hoift-

ed on the end of a pole, as a ftandard— Hbertjr caps

not having as yet come into fafhion.

vol. i. 21

23Q > HISTOHT OS

CHAP. UI.

Containing the fearful wrath of William
Testy, and the great dolour of the JV*ctc-i
sterdammers, because of tlie affair of Fort (
Hoop. — And moreover how William the 1
did strongly fortify the city. — Together witl
explQits of Stpffel Brinkerhoff.

_ Language cannot exprefs the prodigious fury,
which the tefty Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown bj
provoking intelligence. For three good hours
rage of the little man was too great for word!
rather the words were too great for him; an
Was nearly choked by fome dozen huge, mif-fhs
nine cornered dutch oaths, that crowded all at
into his gullet. Having blazed off the firft broad
He kept up a conftant firing for three whole days—
thematizing the Yankees, man, woman, and c
body and foul, for a fet of dteven, fchobbejaken,
genieten, twift-zoekeren, lbozen-fchalken, blaes-ks
kakken-bedden, and a thoufand other names of w
linfortthately for pofterity, hiftory does not make
ticular mention. Finally he fwore that he would
nothing more to do with fuch a fquatting, bund!
gueffing, queftioning, fwapping, pumkin-eating, m
fes-daubing, ftungle-fplitting, cider-watering, h

KEW-YORK. 221

jockeying," notion-peddling crew — that they might flay

at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his

Hands by attempting to drive them away ; in proof of

which he ordered the new raifed troops to be maTched

forthwith into winter quarters, although it was not as

yet quite mid-fummer. Governor Kieft faithfully

kept his word, and his adverfaries as faithfully kept

their poft; and thus the glorious river Connecticut,

and all the gay Tallies through which it rolls, together

with the falmon, {had and other fifh within its waters,

fell into the hands of the victorious Yankees, by whom

they are held at this very day.

Great defpondency feized upon the city of New-
Amfterdam, in confequence of thefe melancholy events.
The name of Yankee became as terrible among our
good anceftors, as was that of Gaul among the an-
cient Romans •, and all the fage old women of tfce
provice, ufed it as a bug-bear, wherewith to frighten
their unruly children into obedience.
. The eyes of all the province were now turned upon
d|enr governor, to know what he would do for the
protection of the common weal, in thefe days of dark-'
nefs and peril. Great apprehenCons prevailed among
the reflecting part of the community, efpecially the
old women, that thefe terrible warriors of Con-
necticut, not content with the conqueft of Fort Goed
Hoop, would incontinently march on to New-Amfter-
dam and take it by ftorm— and as thefe old ladies,,
through means of the governor's fpoufe, who as has

£2*2 HISTORY OV I

been already hinted, was " the better horfe," hi
obtained confiderable influence in public affairs, keep-
ing the province under a kind of petticoat govern-
ment, it was determined that meafures (hould be to»
ken for the effective fortification of the city.

Now it happened that at this time there {Sojourned
in New-Amfterdam one Anthony Van Corlear,* i
jolly fat Dutch trumpeter, of a pleaiant. burly vifage*
famous for his long wind and his huge whiikers, and
who, as the ftory goes, could twang fo potently upon
his inftrument, as to produce an effect upon all within
hearing, as though ten thousand bag-pipes were ding-
ing moil luftly i* the nofe. Him did the illuftriool
fcieft pick out as the man of all die world, moft fitted
to be the champion of New-Amfterdam, and to gan>
fon its fort; making little doubt but that hisinftro-
ment would be as effectual and offensive in war as wai
that of the Paladin Aftolpho, or the more claffic horn
of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to
have feea the governor fnapping his fingers and fid-
getting with delight, while his fturdy trumpeter ftrut
ted up and down the ramparts, fearlefsly twanging
bis trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a
thrice valorous editor daringly infulting all the prin-

* David Pietrez De Veriet in his " Reyze naer Nieuw-Neder
landt oniler bet year 1640," makes mention of one Corlear a tram-
l*Uer in f*>rt Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook_ tnd
* b ) was doubtless this same champie-n, described by Mr. Knicker-
bocker. Eeitor.

H&W-Y0BK. £24

opalines and powers — on the other fide of the At-
lantic.

r - Nor wae he content with thus ftrongly garrifoning
the fortfbut helikewife added exceedingly to its ftrength*
Vjr furnifliing it with a formidable battery of quaker
gnns ■ rearing a ftupendous flag-ftaff in the centre
which overtopped the whole city=— and moreover by
building a great windmill on one of the baftions.*
This laft to be fure, was fomewhat of a novelty in
die art of fortification, but as I have already ohferved
William Kieft was notorious for innovations and ex-
periments) and traditions do. affirm that he was much
given to mechanical inventions— -conftructing patent
finoke-jacks— carts that went before the horfes, and
especially erecting wind-mills, for which machines
lie had acquired a Angular predilection in his native
town of Saardam. ^ #■

All tbefe fcientific vagaries of the littMP>vernor
rere cried up with ecftacy by his adherents as proofs
6f his univerfal genius— but there were not wanting
U natured grumblers, who railed at him as employing
bis mind in frivolous purfuits, and devoting that time
to fmoke-jacks and windmills, which fhould have

* De Vrief mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east
ttstion, and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staff,
b Justus Danker* View of New-Amsterdam, prefixed ta this
tistory.

21 *

£&fc HISTORY OF

been occupied in the more important concerns of du
province. Nay, they even went fo far as to hint oug
Or twice, that his head was turned by his experiment!
and that he realty thought to manage his govermnan
as he did his inills-4>y mere wind !— focb is the iili
berality and flander to which enlightened rulers si
ever fubject.

Notwithstanding all the mesfares, therefore, c
William the Tefty to place the city in a pofture <
defence, the inhabitants continued ia great alarm m
defpondency. But fortune, > who feems always can
ful* in the very nick of time, to throw a bene 6
hope to gnaw upon, that the ftarveling elf may li
kept alive, did about this time crown the arms of ti
province wkh fuccefs in another quarter, and th
cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Nede
landers; other wife there is no knowing to win
lengths mj might have gone in the excefs of the
forrowing— « for grief," fays the profound htftoris
of the feven champions of Chriftendom, « is con
panion with defpair, and defpair a procurer of in£
mous death 1"

Among the numerous inroads of th* Mofstatope
of Connecticut, which, for fome time paft, had occ
fioned fuch great tribulation, I lhould particular
have mentioned a fettlement made on the eaftern pa
of Long-Ifland, at a place which, from the peculi
excellence of its fliell fifli, was called Oyfter Ba

JTEW-YORK. 22£

is was . attacking the province in a mod ft nfible
, and occasioned great agitation at New*Amfter-

n*

[t is an incontrovertible fact, well known to fldl-
: j>hyGok>gifts, that the high road to the affec-
ns is through the throat 5 and this may be accounted
• on the lame principles which I have already quoted
mj ftrictures on fat aldermen. Nor is the faet un«
awn to the world at large ; and hence do we ob~
re, tfott the fureft way to gain the hearts of die
Ukm, is to feed them well— and that a man is never
difpofed to flatter, to pleafe and ferve another, as
kef! he is feeding at his expenfe; which is one
ion why your rich men, who give frequent dinners,
te fuch abundance'of fincere and faithful friends.
is on this principle that our knowing leade^of
rties fecure the affections of their partizan^by re-
irding them bountifully with loaves and fifties ; and
trap the fuffirages of the greafy mob, by treating
stn with bull feafts and roafted oxen. I have known
tny a man, in this fame city, acquire confiderable
iportance in fociety, and ufurp a large {hare of the
Od will of his enlightened fellow citizens, when
e only thing that could be faid in his eulogium was,
at " he gave a good dinner, and kept excellent
iae-"

Since then the heart and the ftomach are fo nearly
lied, it follows conclufively that what affects the

V

226 HISTORY OF

one, mult fympathetically affect the other. Nov ii
is an equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offeringl
to the ftoraach, there is none more grateful than tbe
teftaceous marine animal, known commonly by the
vulgar name of Oyfter. And in fuch great reveieaei
has it ever been held, by my gormandizing fellow eft
zens, that temples have been dedicated to it, time out d
mind, in every ftreet,lane and alley throughout this vdl
fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that tbe
feizing of Oyfter Bay, a place abounding with thai
favourite delicacy, would be , tolerated by the inhabit-
ants of New-Amfterdam. An attack upon their
honour they might have pardoned ; even the maflicre
of a few citizens might have been pafled over to
filence ; but an outrage that affected the larders of the
great city of New-Amfterdam, and threatened die
ftomachfi of its corpulent Burgomafters, was too feri-
ous to pafs unrevenged. The whole council w*
unanimous in opinion, that the intruders mould be
immediately driven by force of arms from Oyfter Bay,
and its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly
difpatched for the purpofe, under command of one
Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stoffel, the
head-breaker) fo called becaufe he was a man of
mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole extent *f
Nieuw-Nederlandts for his (kill at quarterftaff, ami
for fize, he would have been a match for Colbrand*
the Daniih champion, flain by Guy of Warwick.

HEW-YOHK. £S7

Stoffel BrinkerhofF was a man of few words, but
prompt actions — one of your ftraight going officers,
tko march directly forward, and do their orders whh-
(pt making any parade about it. He ufed no extra-*
Mlinary fpeed in his movements, but trudged fteadity
Do, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Jericho and
Pttchog, and the mighty town of Quag, and various
other renowned cities of yore, which, by fome unac*
countable witchcraft of the Yankees, have been ftrange-
\j tranfplanted to Long-Ifland, until he arrived in the
neighbourhood of Oyfter Bay.

Here was he encountered by a tumultuous hoft of
nliant warriors, headed by Preferved Fifh, and Hab~
bakri? Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel
Ukf. and Jonathan Doolittle, and Determined Cock I
—at the found of whofe names the courageous Stoffer
rerfly believed that the whole parliament of Ptfaifc
Bod Barebooes had been let loofe to difcomfit him.
Finding, however, that this formidable body was com-
pofed merely of the " felect men" of the fettlement,
ffmed with no other weapon but their tongues, and
lot they had iflued forth with no other intent, than
o meet him on the field of argument — he fucceeded
d putting them to the rout with little difficulty, and
ompletely broke up their fettlement. Without wait-
ng to write an account of his victory on the fpot,
nd thus letting the enemy flip through his fingers,
vhile he was fecuring his own laurels, as a more ex-
►erienced general would have done, the brave Stoffel

228 HISTOBT 07

thought of nothing but completing his enterprife, and
utterly driving the Yankees from the Ifland. This
hardy enterprize he performed in much the fame man-
ner as he had been accuftomed to drive his oxen; for
as the Yankees fled before him, he pulled up his
breeches and trudged fteadily after them, and would
infallibly have driven them into the fea, had they not
begged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute.
. The news of this achievement was a feafonabk
reftorative to the fpirits of the citizens of New-Am-
fterdam. To gratify them ftill more, the governor
refolved to aftoniih them with one of thofe gorgeous
fpectacles, known in the days of claffic antiquity, a
full account of which had been flogged into his jne-
mory, when a fchool-boy at the. Hague. A grand
triumph, therefore, was decreed to Stoffel Brinkerhony
who made his triumphant entrance into town riding
on a Naraganfet pacer; five pumpkins, which, like
Roman Eagles, had ferved the enemy for ftandards,
were carried before him — fifty cart loads of oyfters,
five hundred bufhels of Wheathersfield onions, a
hundred quintals of codfifh, two hogfheads of mo-
lafles, and various other treafures, were exhibited as
the fpoils and tribute of the Yankees; while three
notorious counterfeiters of Manhattan notes* were

* This is one of those trivial anachronisms, that now and tbcn
oceur in the course of this otherwise authentic history. How cooU
Manhattan notes be counterfeited, when sis yet Banks were un-
known in this country — and our simple progenitors had not even
dreamt of those inexhaustible iniues of paper opulence. Print, D*s>

NEW-YORK. £29

captive to grace the hero's triumph. The proces-
i was enlivened by martial mufic, from the trumpet
Antony Van Corlear the champion, accompanied
a felect band of boys and negroes, performing on
i national inftruments of rattle bones and clam
►Ms. The citizens devoured the fpoils in fheer glad-
Es of heart — every man did honour to the conqueror,
getting devoutly drunk on New-England rum —
i the learned Wilhelmus Kieft calling to mind, in
nomentary fit of enthufiafm and generality, that it
is cuftomary among the ancients to honour their
itorious generals with public ftatues, paffed a gra-
ta* decree, by which every tavernkepeer was per-
tted to paint the head of the intrepid Stoffel on his
a!

£30 HI9TOKY 0¥

CHAP. IV.

Philosophical refections on thefoltyqfbaughapfif
in- limes of ^prosperity. — Sundry trouble* on tie
southern Frontiers.-+How William the Tcsbf
hadwdt nigh mined the pmvmce tkrowgha
Cabalistic word. — As alsoilte secret expedition
of Jan Jansen Alpcndam, and his astonislibtg
reward.

If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame
Fortune,, where, like a notable landlady, fhe regularly
chalks lip die debtor and creditor accounts of mas*
kind, we (hould find that, upon the whole, good apd
evil are pretty nearly balanced in this world; and that
though we may for a long while revel in the very lap
of profperity, the time will at length come, when we
muft ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune, in
fact, is a peftilent (hrew, and withal a mod inexora-
ble creditor ; for though (he may indulge her favour-
ites in long credits, and overwhelm them with her
favours, yet fooner or latter fhe brings up her arrears,
with the rigour of an experienced publican, and wafbee
out her fcores with their tears. « Since/' fays good
old Boetius in his confolations of philofophy, « finee
no man can retain her at his pleafure, and fince her
flight is fo deeply lamented, what are her favours but

KKW-YORK. £31

fare pronoftications of approaching trouble and ca-
lamity."
T^ere is nothing that more moves my contempt at
ftopidity and want of reflection of my fellow men,
to behold them rejoicing, and indulging in fe-
and felf confidence, in times of profperity. To
fcwife man, who is blefled with the light of reafon,
Aofe are the very moments of anxiety and apprehen-
fion; well knowing that according to the fyftem of
tilings, happinefs is at bed but tranfient — and that
die higher he is elevated by the capricious breath of
{ fortune, the lower muft be his proportionate deprei&on.
Whereas, he who is overwhelmed by calamity, has
the lefs chance of encountering frefh difafters, as a
ten at the bottom of a ladder, runs Very little riffc of
breaking his neck by tumbling to the top.

This is the very eflence of true wifdom, which
eonGfts in knowing when we ought to be miferable ;
and was discovered much about the fame time with
that invaluable fecret # that " every thing is vanity and
vexation of fpirit •," in confequence of which maxim
your wife men have ever been the unhappieft of the
human race; efteeming it as an infallible mark of
genius to be diftreffed without reafon — fince any man
may be miferable in time of misfortune, but it is the
philofopher alone who can difcover caufe for grief in
the very hour of profperity.

According to the principle I have juft advanced,
we find that the colony of New-Netherlands, which,
veii. i. 2-

233 HISTOBJ •*

under the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had
flourifhed in fuch alarming and fatal ferenity, is noi
paying for its former welfare, and difcharging the
enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. Foei
harafs it from different quarters ; the city of New*
Amftefdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept in co&
ftant alarm ; and its valiant commander, William tfcf
-Tefty, anfwers the vulgar, but expreflive idea of * a
man in a peck of troubles."

While bufily engaged repelling his bitter enemief
the Yankees, on one fide, we find him fuddenly mo
lefted in another quarter, and by other affailants. A
vagrant colony of Swedes, tinder the conduct of Petti
Minnewits, and profefling allegiance to that redoubt-
able virago, Chriftina queen of Sweden, had fettled
themfelves and erected a fort on fouth (or Delaware]
river — within the boundaries, claimed by the govern-
ment of the New Netherlands. Hiftory is mute ai
to the particulars of their firft landing, and their real
pretentions to the foil, and this is the more to he la-
mented, as this fame colony of Swedes will hereafter
be found moft materially to affect, not only the inter*
efts of the Nederlanders, but of the world at large!

In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond co-
lony of Swedes firft took pofleffion of the country,
it is certain that in 1638 they eftablifhed a fort, and
Minnewits, according to the off hand ufage of Jus
contemporaries, declared himfelf governor of all tie
adjacent country, under the name of the province*?

NEW-YORK. 23d

New Sweden. No fooner did this reach the ears of
the choleric Wilhelmus, than, like a true fpirked
chieftan, he immediately broke into a violent rage,
and calling together his council, belaboured the
Spredes mod luftily in the longed fpeech that had ever
been heard in the colony, fince the memorable difputo
of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus
gnreii vent to the firft ebullitions of his indignation,
be had refort to his favourite rneafure of proclamation,
and difpatched one, piping, hot, in the firft year of
Us reign, informing Peter Minnewits that the whole
territory, bordering on the fouth river, had, time out
of mmd, been in pofleffion of the Dutch colonifts,
having been " befet with forta, and fealed with their
Wood *

The latter fanguinary fentence would convey an
idea of direful war and bloodflied, were we not re-
lieved by the information that it merely related to a
fray, in which fome half a dozen Dutchmen had been
killed by the Indians, in their benevolent attempts to
eftablifh a colony and promote civilization. By this
it will be feen that William Kieft, though a very fmall
man, delighted in big expreffions, and was much given
to a praife- worthy figure in rhetoric, generally culti-
vated by your little great men, called hyperbole. A
figure which has been found of infinite fervice among
many of hi3 clafs, and which has helped to fwell the
grandeur of many a mighty, felf-important, but windy
4£ef naagiftrate. Nor can I refift in this place, from

£&* HISTORY OV

obferving how much my beloved country is indebted
to this fame figure of hyperbole, for fupporting certain
of her greateft characters — ftatefmen, orators, civilians
and divines ; who, by dint of big words, inflated pe-
riods, and windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the fur-
face of fociety, as ignorant fwimmers are buoyed y|
by. blown bladders.

The proclamation againft Minnewits cqncluded b;
ordering, the felf-dubbed governor, and his gang o
Swedifh adventurers, immediately to leave the countr
under penalty of the high difpleafure, and inevkabl
vengeance of the puiflant government of the Ifiew
Nederlandts. This " ftrong meafure," however, doe
not feem to have had a whit more effect than its pie
deceffors, which had been thundered againft the Yan
kees— the Swedes refolutely held on to the territor
they had taken pofleflion of — whereupon matters f<Q
the prefent remained in ftatu quo.

That Wilhelraus Kieft fhould put up with this mfc
lent obftinacy in the Swedes would appear incompati
ble with his valorous temperament *, but we find tha
about this time the little man. had* his hands fall, an
what with ohe annoyance and another, was kept con
tinually on the bounce.

There is a certain description of active legiflaton
who, by (hrewd management, contrive always to ha*
a hundred irons on the anvil, every one of which mui
be immediately attended to; who confequently air
ever full of temporary ihifts and expedients, patchifl

2TEW-Y0BK. £35

up the public welfare, and cobbling the national af-
fairs, fa as to make nine holes where they mend one
—flopping chinks and flaws with whatever comes firft
to hand, like the Yankees I have mentioned fluffing
old clothes in broken- windows. Of this clafs of
ftatefmen was William the Tefty — and had he only
been blefled with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal
been difciplined by a little discretion, there is very little
doubt but he would have made the greateft governor ,
of his fize on record — the renowned governor of the
illand of Barataria alone excepted.

The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy was*
that though no man could be more ready to (land forth
in an hour of emergency, yet he was fo intent upon
guarding the national pocket, that he fuffered the .
enemy to break its head — in other words, whatever
precaution for public fafety he adopted, he was fo
intent upon rendering it cheap, that he invariably
rendered it ineffectual. All this was a remote con-
fequence of his profound eduction at the Hague —
where, having acquired a fmattering of knowledge, he
was ever after a great Conner of indexes, continually
dipping into books, without ever ftudying to the bot-
tom of any fubject ; fo that he had the fcum of all
kinds of authors fermenting in his pericranium. In
fome of thefe title page refearches he unluckily {tum-
bled over a grand political cabalistic wordy which, with
his cuftomary facility, he immediately incorporated
into bis great fcheme of government, to the irretriev-

22 *

£36 HISTOHY O*

able injury and delufion of the honeft provi
Nleuw-Nederlandts, and the eternal mifleadinj
experimental rulers.

In rain have I pored over the Theurgia of th
deans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necroms
the Arabians, the Magic of the Perfians, the
Focus of the Englifh, the Witch-craft of the Y
or the Pow-wowing of the Indians to difcovei
the little man firft laid eyes on this terribl<
Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, that famous cs
volume! afcribed to the Patriarch Abraham ;
pages of the Zohar, containing the myfteries
cabala, recorded by the learned rabbi Sime
chaides, yield any light to my inquiries — Nor ;
the lead benefited by my painful refearches
Shem-hamphorah of Benjamin, the wa.nderin
though it enabled Davidus Elm to make a te
journey in twenty-four hours. Neither can I f
the flighted affinity in the Tetragrammaton, 01
name of four letters, ,the profoundeft word
Hebrew Cabala; a myftery, fubiime, ineffable,
communicable — and the letters of which Jod-H
He, having been ftolen by the Pagans, con
their great name Jao, or Jove. In fhort, in
cabaliftic, theurgic, necromantic, magical and
logical refearches, from the Tetractys of Pyth
to the recondite works of Breflaw and mother
I have not difcovered the lead veftige of an a

JCEW-YOKK. 2S7

113 word, nor have I difcovered any word of fuffi-
ient potency to counteract it.

Not to keep my reader in any fufpence, the word
rhich \kzd fo wonderfully arretted the attention of
William the Telly, and which in German characters
lad a particularly black and ominous afpect, on being
airly tranflated into the Englifh is no other than
economy — a talifmanic term, which, by cpnftant ufe
and frequent mention, has ceafed to be formidable in
our eyes, but which has as terrible potency as any in
the arcana of necromancy.

When pronounced in a national affembly it has an
immediate effect in doling the hearts, beclouding the
intellects, drawing the purfe firings and buttoning the
breeches pockets of all philofophic legiflators. Nor
are its effects on the eyes lefs wonderful. It produces
a contraction of the retina, an obfcurity of the chria-
taline lens, a vifcidity of the vitreous, and an infpis-
fction of the aqueous humours, an induration of the
tunica fclerotica, and a convexity of the cornea ; in-
fomuch that the organ of vifion lofes its ftrength and
perfpicuity, and the unfortunate patient becomes iwy-
Qef, or in plain Englifh, pur-blind ; perceiving only
the amount of immediate expenfe, without being able
to look further, and regard it in connexion with the
ultimate object to be effected.—" So that/' to quote
the words of the eloquent Burke, " a briar at his nofe
it of greater magnitude than an oak at five hundred
yards diftance." Such are its inftantaneous opera-

258 HISTORY OS

tioni, and the refults are dill more aftonit
its magic influence feventy-fours (brink into
frigates into floops, and {loops into gun-boat
defencelefs {hips of Eneas, at the command <
tecting Venus, changed into fea nymphs,
tected themfelves by diving, fo the might
America, by the cabalidic word of economy
into fmall craft, and (helters itfelf in a mill
This all potent word, which ferved as '.
ftone in politics, at once explains the wh<
of proclamations, proteds, empty threats,
trumpeters, and paper war, carried on by 1
the Tefty — and we may trace its operations
mament which he fitted out in 1642 in a r
great wrath, confiding of two floops and tl
under the command of Mynher Jan Janfen J
as admiral of the fleet, and commander it
the forces. This formidable expedition, \
only be paralleled by fome of the daring <
our infant navy about the bay and up the fc
intended to. drive the Marylanders from th
kill, of which they had recently taken poflei
which was claimed as part of the province
Nederlandts — for it appears that at this tin
fant colony was in that enviable date, fo \
veted by ambitious nations, that is, to fry, th
ment had a vad extent of territory, part of
enjoyed, and the greater part of which it 1
nually to quarrel about.

NEW-YORK* 259

Admiral Jan Janfen Alpendam was a man of great
mettle and prowefs, and no way difmayed at the
.character of the enemy, who were reprefented as a
: gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who lived on hoe
: cakes and bacon, drank mint juleps and apple toddy,
and were exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, goug-
ing, tar and feathering, and a variety of other athletic
aceomplifhments, which they had borrowed from their
coufins german and prototypes the Virginians, to whom
Aey have ever borne confiderable refemblance— not-
vithftanding all thefe alarming reprefentatipns, the
admiral entered the Schuylkill mod undauntedly with
his fleet, and arrived without difafter or oppofition at
the place of deftination.

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous fpeech
\m low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previoufly
putin his pocket ; wherein he courteoufly commenced
by calling them a pack of lazy, louting, dram drink-
ing, cock fighting, horfe racing, flave driving, tavern
haunting, fabbath breaking, mulatto breeding upftarts
—and concluded by ordering them to evacuate the
country immediately — to which they moft laconically
replied in plain Englifh, " they'd fee him d-d
firft."

Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Janfen
Alpendam, nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made any cal-
culation — and finding himfelf totally unprepared to
arifwer fo terrible a rebuff with fuitable hoftility,he
concluded that his wifeft courfe was to return home

£40. history o*

and report progrefs. He accordingly failed I
New-Amfterdam, where he was received wit]
honours, and confidered as a pattern for all con
ers, having achieved a rood hazardous enterpi
a trifling expenfe of treafure, and without 1<
(ingle man to the ftate! — He was unanimously
the deliverer of his country; (an appellation h
beftowed on all great men) his two floops
done their duty, were laid up (or dry docked
cove now called the Albany Bafin, where they
rotted in the mud; and to immortalize his nam
erected, by fubfcription, a magnificent fhingle
ment on the top of Flatten barrack 4 Hill, whid
three whole years ; when it fell to pieces, ai
burnt for fire-wood.

* A corruption of Varleth'9 bergh— or Varleth's bil 1 , t
from one Vaifctb, wfco H??d m>on that bill ia the early daj
wtUemeiit*

K£W-YOfeK» 2%i

CHAP. V>

r illiam the Testy enri ched the province by a
itude of laws 9 and came to he the Patron
lawyers and Bum- bailiffs. And how the
Je became exceedingly enlightened and mii-
nj, under his instructions.

m g the many wrecks and fragments of exalted
i, which have floated down the ftream of time,
venerable antiquity, and have been carefully
up by thofe humble, but induftrious wights,
ly along the mores of literature, we find the
ng fage ordinance of Charondas, the Locrian
3r — Anxious to preferve the ancient laws of
te from the additions and improvements of
id " country members," or officious candidate^
>ularity, he ordained, that whoever propofed
law, mould do it with a halter about his neck ;
in cafe his propofition was rejected, they juft
im up — and there the matter ended.
; falutary inftitution had fuch an effect, that
re than two hundred years there was only one
alteration in the criminal code — and the
race of lawyers ftarved to death for want of
rment. The confequence of this was, that
crians being unprotected by an overwhelming

£12 HI8T0BY 0*

load of excellent laws, and undefended by a ftandi
army of pettifoggers and fherifPs officers, lived ve
lovingly together, and were fitch a happy people, tl
they fcarce make any figure throughout the whc
Grecian hiftory — fbr it is well known that none I
your unlucky, quarrelfome, rantipole nations make a:
noife in the world.

Well would it have been for William the Tefty; h:

he haply in the courfe of his " univerfal acquit

ments," (tumbled upon this precaution of the go<

Charondas. On the contrary, he conceived that tl

true policy of a legiflator was to multiply laws, ar

thus fecure the property, the perfons and the mora

of the people, by furrounding them in a manner wil

men traps and fpring guns, and befetting even d

fweet fequeftered walks of private life, with quid

fet hedges, fo that a man could fcarcely turn, withoi

the rifle of encountering fome of thefe peftiferoc

protectors. Thus was he continually coining pett

laws for every petty offence that occurred, until i

time they became too numerous to be remembered

and remained like thofe of certain modern legiflator?

mere dead letters — revived occaflonally for the pui

pofe of individual oppreflion, or to entrap ignoran

offenders.

Petty courts confequently began to appear, wher
the law was adminiftered with nearly as much wifdon
and impartiality as in thofe auguft tribunals the alder
men's and juftices' courts of the prefent day. The

N£W-YO£K. 245

F was generally favoured, as being a cuftomer
nging bufinefs to the (hop ; the offences of the
;re difcreetly winked at — for fear of hurting the
i of their friends ; — but it could never be laid
charge of the vigilant burgomafters, that they
i vice to fculk unpunifhed, under the difgrace-
\ of poverty,

ut this time may we date the firft introduction
tal punifhments — a goodly gallows being erect-
the water-fide, about where White-hall flairs
prefent, a little to the eaft of the battery,
by alfo was erected: another gibbet of a very
, uncouth and unmatchable defcription, but
ch the ingenious William Kieft valued hiro-
: a little, being a punifhment entirely of his own
Dn.*

is for loftinefs of altitude not a whit inferior
of Haman, fo renowned in bible hiftory $ but
irvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit,
of being fufpended u by the neck, accord-
venerable cuftom, was hoifted by the waift-
and was kept for an hour together, dangling
rawling between heaven and earth — to the in-
entertainment and doubtlefs great edification
multitude of refpectable citizens, who ufually
upon exhibitions of the kind.
s incredible how the little governor chuckled

h the gibbets may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker,
to the work.

.. I. 23

$±i HISTORY OF

at beholding caitiff vagrants and fttirdy beggars thusF
f winging by the crupper, and* cutting antic gambols
in the air. He had a thoafand pleafentries, and mirth-
ful conceits to utter upon thcfe occafioris. He catted
them his dandle-lions— his wild fowl 1 — his high flyers

liis fpread eagles — his goshawks — his fcarckcrows

and finally his gallows-birds > which ingenious appella-
tion, though originally confined to worthies who had
taken the air in this ftrange manner, has fince grown
to be a cant name given to all candidates for legal
elevation. This puniflwnent, moreover, if we maj
credit the aflertions of certain grave etymologifts, gav<
the firft hint for a kind of harnefling, or ftrapping
by which our forefathers braced up their multifariott
breeches, and which ha6 of late years been revhrei
and continues to be worn at the prefent day.

Such were the admirable improvements of Wil
liam Kieft in criminal law — nor was his civil cod
lefs a matter of wonderment, and much does it griei
me that the limits of my work will not fuffer me 1
expatiate on both, with the prolixity they deferr
Let it fuffice then to fay, that in a little while tt
bleflings of innumerable laws became notorioufly a]
parent. It was foon found necefiary to have a certai
clafs of men to expound and confound them — dive
pettifoggers accordingly made their appearance, und
whofe protecting care the community was foon fet fc
gether by the ears.

>EW-TOBK. **#•

Id not here be thought to infimute any thing
ry to the profeffion of the law, or to its dig-
smbers. Well* am I aware, thtft me hate in
ent city innumerable worthy gentlemen, who
ibraced that honourable order, not for the
>v« of fikhy lucre, nor the &tfifh crwipgs of
but through no other motives, but a fervent '
the ooreect adminiftKUion of jn&ice;, mi a

far c&acml— Smmx mil I dm* tfcb

fieaim poft

4^p fc» fern, aw^wa Ag- milewatettt paffions
-£«Iicy of gratification- The courts of law
never be fi> conftantly crowded with petty, yet*
and difgraceful fuits* were it not for the herds
ifbgging lawyers that infeft them. Thefetam*
th die paffions of the lower and more ignorant
i who, as if poverty wet e not a fufficient mifery
U> are always ready to heighten it* by the bit-

2±6 history or

ternefs of litigation. They are in law what quae
are in medicine — exciting the malady for the purpo
of profiting by the cure, and retarding the cure, i
the purpofe of augmenting the fees. Where one d
ftroys the conftitution, the other impoveriflies tl
purfe ; and it may likewife be obferved, that a p
tient, who has once been under the hands of a quae
is ever after dabbling in drugs, and poifoning himft
with infallible remedies ; and an ignorant man, wl
has once meddled with the law under the aufpices
one of thefe empyrice, is for ever after emhroili]
himfelf with his neighbours, and knpoverifliing hie
felf with fuccefsful law fuits. — My readers will e
cufe this digreflion, into which I have been unwari
betrayed ; but I could not avoid giving a cool, u:
prejudiced account of an abomination too prevale
in this excellent city, and wiihUw effects of which
am unluckily acquainted to my coftj having bee
nearly ruined by a law fuit, which was unjuftly d<
cided 2gainft me — and my ruin having been complei
«d by another, which was decided in my favour.^

It has been remarked by the obfervant writer o
the Stuyvefant manufcript, that under the admini:
tration of Wilbelmus Kieft the difpofition of the ii
habitants of New-Amfterdam experienced an effenti
change, fo tliat they became very meddlefome ar
factious. The conftant exacerbations of temper in!
which the little governor was thrown, by the marauc
ings on his frontiers, and his unfortunate propenfi;

NEW-YORK. 34?

to experiment and innovation! occafioned him to leep
his council in a continual worry — and the council
teing to the people at large, whr.t yeaft or leaven is to
a batch, they threw the whole community into a fer-
ment — and the people at large being to the city what
the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions
Aey underwent operated moft difaftroufly ufon New-
Amfterdam — infomuch, that in oertain of their pa-
fozyfms of confternation and perplexity, they begat
fcveral of die moft crooked, diftorted, and abomina-
ble ftreets, lanes and alleys, with which this metro-
polis is disfigured.

But the word of the matter was, that juft about
4kis time the mob, fince called the Sovereign people*
4ike Balaam's afs, began to grow more enlightened
than its rider, and exhibited a ftrange defire of go-
verning itfelf. This was another effect of the « uni-
Terfal acquirements" of William the Tefty. In fome
of his peftilent refearches among the rubbifli of "an-
tiquity, he was ftruck with admiration at the institu-
tion of public tables among the Lacedaemonians,
where they difcufled topics of a general and intereft-
ing nature — at the fchools of the philofophers, where
they engaged in profound difputes upon politics* and
morals — where grey beards were taught the rudiments
of wifdom, and youths learned to become little men,
before they were boys. " There is nothing* faid the
ingenious Kieft, Shutting up the book,- " there is no-
thing more effential to the welt* management of at

23 *

^1S UlSTOHY t>¥

country, than education among the people ; the ba
of a good government, fhould be laid in the pubi
mind." — Now this was true enough, but it was ev
the wayward fate of William the Tefty, that when !
thought right, he was fure to go to work wrong,
the prefent irtftance, he could fcarceiy eat or flee
until he had fet on foot brawling debating focietk
among the fimple citizens of New«Amfterdam. Tt
was the one thing wanting to complete his confufio
The honeft Dutch burghers, though in truth but lit!
given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by di
of meeting often together, fuddling themfelves wi
ftrong drink, beclouding their brains with tobac
fmoke, and liftening to the harangues of fome hall
dozen oracles, foon became exceedingly wife, and
as is always the cafe where the mob is politically e
lightened — exceedingly difcontented. They found 01
with wonderful quicknefs of difcernment, the feat
error in which tkay had indulged, in fancying thei
felves the happieft people in creation — and were fc
tunately convinced, that, all circuraftances to t
contrary notwithftanding, they were a very unhapp
deluded, and confequently, -ruined people !

In a ihort time the quidnuncs df New-Amfterda
formed themfelves into fage juntos of political croa
ers, who daily met. together . to groan over politi<
affairs, and make themfelves miferable ; thronging
thefe unhappy aflemblages with the fame eagerne
that zealots have in all ages abandoned the milder ai

1TEW-Y0HK.

2*0

peaceful paths of religion, to crowd to < the howl-
ing convocations of fanaticifm. We are naturally
to difcontent, and avaricious after imaginary
of lamentation — like lubberly monks, we be-
labour our own (houlders, and feem to take a vaft
fctitfattion in the muEc of our own groans. Nor is
das faid for. the fake of paradox; daily experience
ihows the truth of thefe observations. It is next to a
fuce to offer confolation, or to think of elevating the
jfpiritt of a, man groaning under ideal calamities ; but
nothing is more eafy than to render him wretched^
though on the pinnacle of felicity ; as it is an Hercu-
lean talk to hoift a man to the top of a fteeple, though
•the mereftchild can topple him off thence.

In the fage affemblages I have noticed, the philo-
sophic reader' will at once perceive the faint germs of
*thofe fapient convocations called ^popular meetings,
prevalent at our day— Thither reforted all thofe idlers
and "fquires of. low degree/ 9 who, like rags^ hang
<k»fe upon the baqk of fociety, and are ready to be
'blown away by every wind of » doctrine. Coolers
abandoned their ftalls, and haftened thither to give
fefibns on political economy — blackfmkhs left their
handicraft and fufiered their own fires to go out,
while they blew the bellows and ftirred up the fire of
•faction:; and even taylors, though but the ihreds and
^patches, the ninth parte of humanity, neglected their
-own meafures, to attend to the meafures of govern*
nnent— rNothiqg was wanting but half adoaen news-

2£t HISTORY OV

papers and patriotic editors, to have complete
public illumination, and to have thrown the
province in an uproar ! ,

I Ihould not forget to mention, that thefe j
meetings were always held at a noted taven
houfes of that defcription have always been fou
mod congenial nurferies of politics ; aboondtn
thofe genial ftreams which give ftrength and
nance to faction— -We are told that the ancien
mans had an admirable mode of treating any qi
of importance; they firft deliberated upon it
drunk, and afterwards reconfidered it, when
The fhrewder mobs of America, who diflike
two minds upon a fubject, both determine a
upon it drunk ; by which means a world of cd
tedious fpeculattons is difpenfed with — and as it
•verfally allowed, that when a man is drunk I
ibMe, it follows moft conclufively that he fees
as 'well as his fober neighbours*

*£W-YORK. 251

CHAP. VL

§f the great pipe plot — and of live dolorous per-
plexities into which William the Testy wa»
thrown, by reason of his having enlightened the
multitude*

Wilhelmus Kxebt, as has already been made
ttanifeft, was a great legiflator upon a ftnall fcale.
tie was of at* active, or rather a bury mind; thatl*
fr kff, bis was one of thofe fmall, bat briflc minds,
hit make up by buttle and eonftant motion for the
nuit of great fcope and power. He had, when cjuite
I youngling, been impreffed with the advice of Soh^
ton, « go to the ant then fLuggasd, conftder her ways
tod to wife" in cotffarm* <» «***i t£^ T*W
MKa at a Trusts, ant-like turn, worrying hither and
thither, bufying Irimfelf about little matters, with aa
air of great importance and anxiety — laying up wifdon*
by the morfel, and often toiling and .puffing ..at a grain
of muftard feed, under 4he full conviction that he was
moving a mountain.

Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one
°f his fits of mental buftle, which he termed deli-
beration, he framed an unlucky, law, to prohibit the
toiverfal practice of fmoking. This he proved, by
Mathematical demonftration, to be, not merely a heavy
ax on the public pocket* but an incredible confumer

£32 HIBTOftY OF

of time, a hideous encourager of idlenefs, and, of
courfe, a deadly bane to the profperity and morals of
the people. Ill fated Kieft ! had he lived in this en-
lightened and libel loving age, and attempted to fub»
vert the ineftimable liberty of the prefs, he could not
have (truck more clofely on the fenfibilities of the
million.

The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the
conftitutional gravity of their deportment would per-
mit — a mob of factious citizens had even the hardi-

_ ■

hood to aflemble before the governor's boufe, wheity
fetting themfelves refolutely down, like a beG$giog
army before a fortrefs, they one and all fell to finok&g
with a determined perfeverance, that feemed as though
it were their intention to fmoke him into terms* The
Xeftj William iflued out of his manfion like unto i
wronrni fpider, ttndi^Zd? d ** ^ now the.Caufe <rf
this feditious aflemblage, and this lawlefs fumigatiofl>
to which tliefe fturdy rioters made no other replyi
than to loll back moft phlegmaticaliy in their featfe,
and puff away with redoubled fury* whereby they
raifed fuch a murky cloud, that the governor was fain
to take refuge in the interior of his caftle.

The governor immediately perceived the object
of this unufual tumult, and that it would be im-
pofllble to fupprefs a practice, which, by long indul-
gence, had become a fecond nature. And bete I
would obferve, partly to explain why I have fo oftefl
made mention of this prac&ic* in my hiftory, that if

KEW-YORK, t5S

tas mfeparably connected with all the affairs, both
pMic and -private, of our revered anceftors. The
pipe, in fact, was never from the mouth of the true
bra Nederiander. It was his companion in folitude,
be relaxation of his gayer hours, his counfellor, his
toofoler, his joy,his pride •, in a word, he feemed to
hink and breathe through his pipe*

When William the Tefty bethought himfelf of all
befe matters, which he certainly did; although a
tttle too late, lie came to a compromife with the be*
ieging multitude. The refult was, that though he
Dontinued to permit the cuftom of fmoking, yet did
he abolifli the fair long pipes which were ufed in the
lays of Wouter Van T wilier, denoting eafe, tran-
quillity, and fobriety'of deportment; and, in place
thereof, did introduce little, captious, fhort pipes,
two inches in length ; which, he obferved, could be
ftuck in one corner of the mouth, or twifted in the
hat band, and would not be in the way of bufinefs.
Bjr this the multitude feemed fomewhat appeafed,
md difperfed to their habitations. Thus ended this
Arming infurrection, which was long known by the
mme of the pipe plot, and which, it has been fome-
what quaintly obferved, did end, like moft other
pbts, Seditions, and confpuftcies, in mere fmoke.

But mark, Oh reader ! die deplorable corifequences
that did afterwards refult. The fmoke of thefe vil-
hfaotts little, pipes, continually aicending in a cloud
*out the nofe, penetrated into and befogged the

*54 niSTOUY o»

cerebellum, dried up all the kindly moifture
brain, and rendered the people that ufed then:
pourifti and tefty as their renowned little gove
nay, what is more, from a goodly, burly i
folk, they became, like our worthy Dutch &
who fmoke Ihort pipes, a lantern-jawed, fmoke
leathern-hided race of men.

Nor was this all, for from hence may we d
rife of parties in this province. Certain of th
wealthy and important burghers adhering to i
cient fafhion, formed a kind of ariftocracy, whic
by the appellation of the Long Pipes, while the
orders, fubmitting to the innovation, which they
to be more convenient in their handicraft employ
and to leave them more liberty of actipn, were b
with the plebian name of Short Pipes. A thin
likewife fprang up, differing from both the
headed by the defcendants of the famous J
Qiewit, the companion of the great Hudfon.
entirely difcarded the ufe of pipes, and took to
ing tobacco, and hence they were called £%uk
is worthy of notice, that this laft appellation has
come to be invariably applied to thofe mongrel 01
parties, that will fometimes fpring up- betweei
great contending parties, as a mule is produce
tween a horfe and an afs.

And here I would remark the great benefit of
party diftinctions, by which the people at larg
faved the vaft trouble of thinking. Hefiod d

NEW-YOKK. 2&&

mankind into three claffes, thofe who think for them-
felves, thofe who let others think for them, and thofe
who will neither do one nor the other. The fecond
eiafs, however, comprifes the great mafs of fociety, and
bence is the origin of party, by which is meant a
large body of people, fome.few of whom think, and
ill the reft talk. The former, who are called the
leaders, marfhal out and difcipline the latter, teaching
hem what they muft approve — what they muft hoot
it — what they muft fay — whom they muft fupport —
Hit, above all, whom they muft hate — for no man can
be a right good partizan, unlefs he be a determined
and thorough-going hater.

But when the fovereign people are thus properly
broken to the harnefs, yoked, curbed and reined, it
s delectable to fee with what docility and harmony
hey jog onward, through mud and mire, at the will
if tbeir drivers, dragging the dirt carts of faction at
heir heels. How many a patriotic member of con-
grefs have I feen, who would never have known how
to make up his mind pn any queftion, and might have
run a great rifk of voting right by mere accident, had
he not had others to think for him, and a file leader
to vote after.

Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the Man-
hattoes, being divided into parties, were enabled to
organize diflention, and to oppofe and hate one ano-
ther more accurately. And now the great bufinefs of
politics went bravely on; the parties affembling in

vol. i. 24?

256 IftSTOBY Ofe

feparate beer houfes, and fmoking at each other w
implacable animofity, to the great fupport of the fta
and emolument of the tavernkeepers. Some, indec
who were more zealous than the reft, went furthi
and began to befpatter one another with numerc
very hard names and fcandalous little words, to
found in the Dutch language ; every partizan belie
ing religioufly that he was ferving his country, wh
he traduced the character, or impoverished the pock
of a political adverfary. But, however they wig
differ between themfelves, all parties agreed on 01
point, to cavil at and condemn every meafpre of g
vernment whether right or wrong; for as the govern*
was by his ftation independent of their power, ai
was not elected by their choice, and as he had n
decided in favour of either faction, neither of the
was interested in his fuccefs, nor in the profperity of tl
country while under his administration. «

« Unhappy William Kieft!" exclaims the fa
writer of the Stuyvefant manufcript — « doomed
contend with enemies too knowing to be entrappe
and to reign over a people too wife to be governed
All his expeditions againft his enemies were baffl
and fet at naught, and all his meafures for the pub'
.fafety were cavilled at by the people. Did he propc
levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence
the mob, that is to fay, thofe vagabond members
the community who have nothing to lofe, immediate
took the alarm, vociferated that their interefts we

NEW-YORK. 257

in danger — that a (landing army was a legion of
moths, preying on the pockets of fociety •, a rod of
von in the hands of government ; and that a govern-
ment with a military force at its command, would in-
evitably fwell into a defpotifm. Did he, as was but
too commonly the cafe, defer preparation until the
foment of emergency, and then haftily collect a
handful of undifciplinjp^ vagrants — the meafure was
booted at, as feeble and inadequate, as trifling with
the public dignity and fafety, and as lavifhing the
public funds on impotent enterprizes. — Did he refort
to the economic meafure of proclamation — he was
laughed at by the Yankees ; did he back it by nori-
intercourfe — it was evaded and counteracted by his
pwn fubjects. Whichever way he turned himfelf he
was beleagured and diftracted by petitions of <* nu-
merous and refpectable meetings," confifting of fome
half a dozen brawling pot-houfe politicians — all of
which he read, and what is worfe, all of which he
attended to. The confequence was, that by inces-
fantly changing hi? meafures, he gave none of them
a fair trial 5 and by liftening to the clamours of the
mob, and endeavouring to do every thing, he, in fober
truth, did nothing.

I would not have it fuppofed, however, that he took
all thefe memorials and interferences good naturedly,
for fuch an idea would do injuftice to his valiant
fpirit 5 on the contrary, he never received a piece of
advice in the whole courfe of his life, without firft

258 HISTORY 0*

getting into a paflion with the giver. But I have ever
obferved that your paflionate little men, like fmall
boats with large fails, are the eafieft upfet or blown
out of their courfe ; and this is demonftrated by go-
vernor Kieft, who, though in temperament as hot as
an old radifh, and with a mind, the territory of which
was fubjected to perpetual whirl-winds and tornadoes,
yet never failed to be carried away by the laft piece
of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it
for him that his power was not dependant upon the
greafy multitude, and that as yet the populace did not
poffefs the important privilege of nominating their
chief magiftrate. They, however, like a true mob,
did their bed to help arong public affairs ; peftering
their governor inceffantly, by goading him on with
harangues and petitions, and then thwarting his fiery
fpirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot of
Sunday jockies, managing an unlucky devil of a hack
horfe — fo that Wilhelmus Kieft may be faid to have
been kept either on a worry or a hand gallop, through^
out the whole of his adminiftration.

27EW-TOKK. £59

CHAP. VII.

Containing divers fearful accounts of If order
wars, and the flagrant outrages of the Moss
troopers of Connecticut — with the rise of the
great Amphijctionic Council of the east, and the
decline qf William the Testy.

It was afiertejl by the wife men of ancient times,
who were intimately acquainted, with thefe matters,
<that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tups,
the one filled with bleffings, the other with misfor-
tunes — and it verily feems as if the latter had been
completely overturned, and left to deluge the unlucky
province of Nieuw-rNederlandts. Among the many
internal and external caufes of irritation, the inceffant
irruptions of the Yankees upon his frontiers were
continually adding fuel to the inflammable temper of
William the Tefty. Numerous accounts of thefe
aioleftations may {till be found among the records of
the times ; for the commanders on the frontiers were
efpecially careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, by
ftriving who fhould fend home the mod frequent and
Voluminous budgets of complaints, as your faithful ferv-
ant is eternally running with complaints to the parlour,
of all the petty fquabbles and mifdemeanours of the
kitchen. All thefe valiant tale-bearings were liftened
to with great , wrath by the paffionate Kieft and his

24 *

260 HI8TOHY OF

fubjects, who were to the full as eager to hear, am
credulous to believe* thefe frontier fables, as are m;
fellow citizens to fwallow thofe amufing (lories witl
which our papers are daily filled, about Britifh aggres
fions at fea, French fequeftrations on fhore, Spanifl
infringements in the promifed land of Louifiana, and
above all, internal plots and conspiracies.

We are told by the good Plutarch, in his life o
Nicias, that the terrible defeat of the Athenians ii
Sicily was firft mentioned in the (hap of a goffippinj
barber at the Piraeus. Whereupon, with the cuftom
ary oflkioufnefs of his tribe, he ran up into Athens t
have the firft telling of the ftory, and threw the whoL
forum into confternation. Not being able, however
to fubftantiate his tale, the unlucky (haver was pu
upon the wheel and whirled about, as a reward fo
his trouble, until he was exculpated by the arrival c
other evidence.

Such was the manner in which bufy alarmifts, an
manufacturers of fearful news were treated in Athens
whereas in our more enlightened country we fuppoi
whole herds of editors for no other purpofe, than ti
gratify a public appetite for direful news, and any mai
who can foift up a full founding, hobgoblin ftory of :
plot or confpiracy, may command his own price for it
I have known two or three of thefe tales of terror t<
be bought up by government, for the fovereign peo
pie to amufe themfelves withal — which goes furthe

NEW-YORK. 261

to prove, what I have before aflerted, that your en-
lightened people love to be miferable.

Far be it from me to infinuate however, that our
worthy anceftors indulged in groundlefs alarms; on
the contrary they were daily fufiering a repetition of
cruel wrongs,* not one of which but was a fufficient
reafon, according to the maxims of national dignity
and honour, for throwing the whole univerfe into
hoftility and confufion.

Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every
one of thefe outrages throw the philofophic William !
letter after letter, proteft after proteft, proclamation
after proclamation, bad Latin, worfe Englifh, and hi-
deous low Dutch were exhaufted in vain upon the
inexorable Yankees, and the four-and-twenty letters

* From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, I
select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to judge,
if oar ancestors were not justifiable in getting into a very valiant
passion oil the occasion.

24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hogg out of
the vlact or common and shut it up out of meer hate or other preju-
dice, causing it to starve for hunger in the stye !

86 July. The foremeucibned English did againe drive the Com-
panies' iioggs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford ; contending
daily with reproaches, blows, beating the people with all disgrace
tbat they could imagine.

May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut
loose a horse of the honored Companies', that stood bound upon
the common or vlact.

May 9, 1643. The Compenies' horses pastured upon the Com-
panies' ground, , 'Mere driven away by them of Connecticott or
Hartford, and the herdsman lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks.

16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Companie
which piggs had pastured on the Companies' land.

Haz. Col. State pap.

2*4 taisfftftY of -

of the alphabet, which, excepting his champion
fturdy trumpeter Van Corlear, compofed the
ftanding army he had at hit command, were neve
duty throughout the whole of his adminiftratio;
Nor did Antony the trumpeter, remain a whit
hind his patron the gallant Kieft, in his fiery z
but like a faithful champion and preferver of die j
lie fafety, on the arrival of every frefh article of n
he was fure to found his trumpet from the ramp
with moft difaftrous notes, throwing the people
violent alarms and difturbbg their reft at all ti
and feafons — which caufed him to b^ iield in
great regard, the public pampering and -rewarding i
as we dp brawling editors, for reafons that have
been mentioned.

I am well aware of the perils that environ id
this part of my hiftory. While raking with cur
hands but pious heart, among the mouldering rem
of former days, anxious to draw therefrom the he
of wifdom, I may fare * fomewhat like that val
worthy Sampfon, who in meddling with the car
of a dead lion, drew a fwarm of bees about his €
Thus while narrating the many mifdeeds of the Ys
kie, or Yankee tribe, it is ten 'chances to one but I
fend the morbid fen Gbili ties of certain of their un
fonable defcendants, who may fly out ^nd raife fu<
buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, that I i
need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orla
Furiofo, to protect me from their ftings.

NEW-YORK. 263

should fuch be the cafe I fhould deeply and fin-
ely lament — not my misfortune in giving offence —

the wrong-headed perverfenefs of ah ill-natur-
generation, in taking offence at any thing I fay.
it their anceftors did ufe my anceftors ill, is true,
I am very forry for it. I would, with all my heart
fact were otherwife > but as I am recording the
ed events of hiftory, I'd not bate one nail's Jjreadth
he honeft truth, though I were lure the whole edi-

of my work mould be bought up and burnt by
common hangman of Connecticut. And in footh,
r that thefe tefty gentlemen have drawn me out, I
make bold to go further and obferve, that this is
of the grand purpofes for which we impartial his-
ms are fent into the world — to redrefs wrongs and
ler juftice on the heads of the guilty. So that
lgh a powerful nation may wrong its neighbours
1 temporary impunity, yet fooner or later an hifto-
fprings up, who wreaks ample chaftifement on it
sturn.

hus thefe mofs troopers of the eaft, little thought*
warrant it, while they were harrafling the inoffen-
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and driving its
appy governor to his wits end, that an hiftorian
ild ever arife, and give them their own, with inte-
Since then I am but performing my bounden
r as an hiftorian, in avenging the wrongs of our
red anceftors, I fhall make no further apology;
indeed, when it is confidered that I have all thefe

264 HISTORY OS

ancient borderers of the eaft in my power, and at the
mercy of my pen, I truft that it will be admitted I
conduct myfelf with great humanity and moderation.

To refume then the courfe of my hiflory — Appear^
ances to the eaftward began now to aflurae 3 more for«
midable afpect than ever — for I would have you note
that hitherto the province had been chiefly molefted by
its immediate neighbours, the people of Connecticut,
particularly of Hartford; which, if we may judge from
aacient chronicles, was the ftrong hold of thefe fturdy
xnofs troopers, from whence they fallied forth, on
their daring incurfions, carrying terror and devafta-
tion into the barns, the hen-roofts,and pig*fiyes of our
revered anceftors.

Albeit about the year 1643, the people of the eaft
country, inhabiting the colonies of Maflachufetts,
Connecticut, New-Plymouth, and New-Haven, gather-
ed together into a mighty conclave, and after buzzing
and debating for many days, like a political hive of
bees in fwarming time, at length fettled themfelves
into a formidable confederation, under the title of
the United Colonies of New-England. By this union
they pledged themfelves to ftand by one another in
all perils and affaults, and to co-operate v in all mea-
fures, offenfive and defenfive, againft the furrounding
favages, among which were doubtlesfly included our
honoured anceftors of the Manhattoes ; and to give
more ftrength and fyftem to this confederation, a
general aflembly or grand council was to be annually

HEW-Y6RK* 265

held, compofed of representatives from each of the
provinces.

On receiving accounts of this puiflant combination,
the fiery Wilhelmus was (truck with vaft condensa-
tion, and, for the firft time in his whole life, forgot
to bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelli-
gence — which a venerable hiftorian of the times ob-
ferves, was efpecially noticed among the fage politi-
cians of New-Amfterdam. The truth was, on turn-
ing over in his mind all that he had read at the Hague,
about leagues and combinations, he found that this
was an exact imitation of the famous Amphyctionic
council, by which the ftates of Greece were enabled
to attain to fuch power and Supremacy, and the very
idea made his heart to quake for the fafety of his em-
pire at the Manhattoes.

He ftrenuoufly infilled, that the whole object of
this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders out
of their fair domains ; and always flew into a great
Trage if any one prefumed to doubt the probability of
his conjecture. Nor was he wholly unwarranted in
fuch a fufpicion ; for at the very firft annual meeting
of the grand council, held at Bofton, (which governor
Kieft denominated the Delphos of this truly clafEc
league) ftrong reprefentations were made againft the
Nederlanders, for as much as that in their dealings
With the Indians they carried on a traffic in « guns,
powther and fhott — a trade damnable and injurious to

266 HISTORY 0?

the colonifts."* Not but what certain of the Con*
ticut traders did likewife dabble a little in this " dan
able traffic*' — but then they always fold the Indi
fuch fcurvy guns, that they burft at the firft difchai
•—and confequently hurt no one but thefe pag
favages.

The rife of this potent confederacy was a dea

blow to the glory of William the Tefty, for from th

day forward, it was remarked by many, he never he

up his head, but appeared quite creft failed, H

fubfequent reign, therefore, affords but (canty few

for the hiftoric pen — we find the grand count

continually augmenting in power, and threatening i

overwhelm the mighty but defencelefs province <

Nieuw-Nederlandts; while Wilheimus Kieft kept coi

ftantly firing off his proclamations and prdtefts, life

a fhrewd fea captain, firing off fo many carronade

and fwivels, in order to hreak and difperfe a wate

fpout — but alas ! they had no more effect than if the

had been fo many blank cartridges.

The laft document on record of this learned, phi
lofophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long lette
to the council of the Amphyctions, wherein, in th<
bitternefs of his heart, he rails at the people of New
Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncotirteous contemp
of his proteft, levelled at them for fquatting withii
the province of their high mightinefles. From thi

* Haz. Col. S. Papers.

NEW-YORtf. 267

letter, which is a model of epiftolary writing, abound-
ing with pithy apophthegms and claffic figures, my
iadts will, barely allow me to extract the following
recondite paflage ;*~" Certainly when we heare the
inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of us, we
eem to heare Efop's wolfe complayninge of the lamb,
nr the admonition of the younge man, who cryed out
© his mother, chideing with her neighboures, * Oh
UEother revile her, left fhe firft take up that practice
tgainft you.' But being taught by precedent pafiages,
ire received fuch an anfwer to our proteft from the
nhabitants of New-Haven as we expected : the Eagle
ilways despisetb the Beetle fly; yet notwithftanding we
doe undauntedly continue on our purpofe of purfuing
our own right, by juft arms and righteous means, and
doe hope without fcruple to execute the exprefs com-
mands of our fuperiours." To Chow that this laft
fentence was not a mere empty menace, he concluded
his letter, by intrepidly protefting againft the whole
council, as a horde of squatters and interlopers, inas-
much as they held their meeting at New-Haven, or
the Red Hills, which he claimed as being within the
province of the New-Netherlands.

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign
£ William the Telly— for henceforth, in the troubles,
he perplexities and the confufion of the times, he
eems to have been totally overlooked and to have

* Vide Haz. Col. State Papers.
VOL. I. 25

268 HISTORY 09

$>

ill

flipped forever through the fingers of fcrupulous his-
tory. Indeed, for fome caufe or other which I cannot
divine, there appears to haye .been a combination a-
mong hiftorians to fink his very name into oblivion,
in confequence of which they have one and all for* j T &
borne even to fpeak of his exploits. This ihows how k
important it is for great men to cultivate the favour of f
the learned, if they are ambitious of honour: and re- k
nown. " Infult not the dervife," faid a wife Caliph 'A
to his fon, " left thou offend thine hiftorian," and jac
many a mighty man of the olden time, had he ob- A
ferved fo obvious a maxim, might have efcaped divers ^
cruel wipes of . the pen, which have been drawn : 01
aorofs his character. .. '.:

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that :
fuch darknefs and obfcurity fhould hang over the latter p
days of the illuftrious Kieft — for he was a mighty and
great little man, worthy of being utterly renowned,
feeing that he was the firft potentate that introduced
into this land the art of fighting by proclamation, and
defending a country by trumpeters, and windmills—
an economic and humane mode of warfare, fince re-
vived with great applaufe, and which promi&s, if it
can ever be carried into full effect, to fave great trou-
ble and treafure, and fpare infinitely more bloodihed
than either the difcovery of gunpowder, or the invenr
tion of torpedoes.

It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets,
of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw*

NEW-YORK. 269

Nederlandts, taking advantage of the myfterious exk
of William the Tefty, have fabled, that like Romulus, ,
he wa? tranflated to the ikies, and form3 a very fiery
little ftar, fome where on the left claw of the crab ;
while others equally fanciful, declare that he had ex-
perienced a fate fimilar to that of the good king
Arthur; who, we are affured by ancient bards, was
carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy land,
where he ftill exifts, in priftine worth and vigour,
and will one day or another return to refcue.poor
old England from the hands of paltry, flippant, petti-
fogging cabinets, and reftore the gallantry, the ho-
nour, and the immaculate probity, which prevailed
in the glorious days of the Round Table.*

All thefe, however, are but pleafing fantafies, the
cobweb vifions of thofe dreaming varlets, the poets,
to which I would not have my judicious reader attach
any credibility. Neither am I difpofed to yield any
credit to the aflertion of an ancient and rather apo-
cryphal hiftorian, who alleges that the ingenious
Wilhelmus was annihilated by the^ blowing down of ,
one of his windmills — nor to that of a writer of later

* The old Welsh bards believed that king Arthur was nut dead,
but carried awaie by the faries into some pleasent place, where be
shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reignc in as
great authority as ever. — Hollincshed.

The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all
Biitaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn — He say'd that
his deth shall be doubteous; and said soth, for men thereof yet have
doubte and shullen for ever more — for men wyt not whether thai
be ly vetb or is dede. — De Leiw. Cbron.

£70 HISTOHY •*

timet, who affirms that he fell a victim to ;
phical experiment, which he had for many y
vainly ftriving to accomplUh * having die n
to break his neck from the garret window of
houfe, in an ineffectual attempt to catch fwa
fprinkling frefe fait upon their tails.

The moft probable account, and to which
dined to give my implicit faith, is contained
obfcure tradition, which declares, that what
conftant troubles on his frontiers — the inceflar
ings, and projects going on in his own pericr
the memorials, petitions, remonftrances, and fa
of advice from divers refpectable meetings of 1
reign people — together with the refractory d
of his council, who were Aire to differ fron
every point, and uniformly to be in the wr
thefe, I fay, did eternally operate to keep his
a kind of furnace heat, until he at length be
completely burnt out as a Dutch family pip
has pafled through three generations of hard :
In this manner did the choleric but magnanimc
Mm the Tefty undergo a kind of animal com
eonfuming away like a farthing ru(h light-
when grim death finally fnuffed him out, th
fcarce left enough of him to bury!

END OF VOL. J. /\

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