Hints and Reflections for Railway Travellers and Others; Or, a Journey to the Phalanx

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HINTS

AND

REFLECTIONS

roR

RAILWAY TRAVELLERS AND OTHERS;

OR,

A JOURNEY TO THE PHALANX.

By minor HUGO.

IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. III.

LONDON:

GEORGE EARLE, 67, CASTLE STREET,
BERNBRS STREET, OXFORD STREET.

MDCCCXUIT.

TtiT.U ■■:■'/

■• ^-.-^

;;■/

>^

189/.

LONDON :— J. DAVr AND SONS, PEINTBE8,
QVBBN 8TRBBT, KINO STRBBT, LONG ACRE.

CONTENTS OF VOL. III.

PART I.

CHAP. PAGB.

Preface 1

1 Destruction of Animal Life 7

2 Kemuneration for Female Labour 21

3 Cider Brothers and Younger Sons 25

4 Spirituous Liquors 39

5 Wines and their Effects 46

6 Procrastination 62

7 Social Economy : 67

8 Political Economy 77

PART II.

1 Hecreations 94

2 Taxes and Taxation 108

3 Emigration 118

4 Waste Lands, &c 132

5 Scatteration and the Scatterers 1 47

6 Machinery 163

7 Artificial Modes of procuring Natural Re-

quirements 178

8 Crime 184

IV CONTENTS.

PART III.

CHAP. PAGE.

1 The Travelling Phalanx 191

2 The Emigrating Phalanx 197

3 The Financial Phalanx 203

4 The Preventive Phalanx 209

5 The Magisterial Phalanx 215

6 The Judicial Phalanx 221

7 The Legislative Phalanx 227

8 The Begal Phalanx 235

•The Conclusion 241

PREFACE.

In composing an exordium to the Tliird Volume
of a Jouraey to the Phalanx, and in apologizing
for *^ having so long trespassed upon the patience
of our readers," we may as well honestly confess
that at the outset of our career we had not the
slightest wish to, or idea of, occupying so much of
their time as they have so obligingly given up to
us. We meant to have perpetrated a brief tract
upon the present state of society ; instead of which,
if our printer is to be believed (and we think him
a most credible person), the result of our quill-
driving propensities will, altogether, form three
neat little volumes, not over burdensome to the
railway traveller, or likely to occupy too large a
space in the library. To have entered fully upon
all the numerous topics which are to be found
in the tables of contents would, in all probability,
have filled the library itself, and we should not
have added another << Thesaurus;'' but, like our
friend of that most erudite and truly voluminous
publication, we should have caused both our readers
and their library shelves to have groaned audibly
under the weighty infliction.

VOL. III. B

11 PREFACE.

The work, however, which we have presumed to
offer to society for its criticism or approbation, aims
at nothing more than, what its title page literally
imports it to be, a compilation of ^^ Hints," which
few can misunderstand ; and to misinterpret which
would be an act of injustice. Doubtless, some will
say — " Umph ! the fellow's a fool!" Another
again will ejaculate — "Egad! that's sharpish
though ! it's coming home with a vengeance."
And this will be accompanied with a twist in the
railway carriage, which will cause fellow-travellers
to look up, and wonderingly ask — " What's the
matter?" Either verbally or lookingly, both me-
thods are equally effective, as the following little
incident will prove.

A young lady and an elderly one entered a rail-
way carriage at the Euston-square station, in the
beginning of the present year, and a middle-aged,
sedate-looking gentleman took his seat in the same
vehicle* The young lady did a very foolish thing,
for she located herself in the centre seat, with her
face towards the engine. The gentleman was wiser,
and chose the left-hand comer, with his back to the
said engine. None of the party opened their lips the
one to the other ; but, after progressing about thirty
miles, the gentleman, who was reading very in-
tently, perceived that the young lady, who neither
moved hand or foot, and who might have been
a mummy for any external sign she exhibited to

PREFACE. HI

the contrary: he discovered, we say, by some
mesmeric process, that the lady had very vivid per-
ceptions of an intention to feint, so he said not
a word, but instantly put down the windows, and
recurred to his book* A glance, however, from the
young damsel's drooping eye, said that he had just
done the very thing he ought to have done, and
neither more or less; and that glance just assured
him how very grateful she felt. Presently the co-
lour returned to the before pallid cheek ; and sun-
dry movements, such as drawing the boa the least
possible degree closer round the neck, and pulling
a shawl over the knees, told the gentleman, as plain
as words could have spoken, that the windows had
been down long enough, so he forthwith hauled
them up again. And this kind of dumb show went
cm until they reached Crick, when all of a sudden
the old lady sung out — ^^ This b the station." The
young one might have been deaf and dumb, for
she spoke never a word ; she only gave the gentle-
man another look, and jumped out of the vehicle.

This parenthetical anecdote, therefore, is intended
as an illustration to the movement of the old gen-
tleman who is reading our book, and who stumbles
upon something that he does not exactly like ; and
he thereby having mesmerised the whole party,
somebody will probably request to be favored with
a sight of the passage which drew forth the ejacu-
lation, and we (the author) shall in all probability

B 2

IV PREFACE.

have reason to " thank our stars" (as some very
learned person has told us we ought occasionally to
do) that we do not occupy any of the seats in the
vehicle aforesaid, for in the centre ones we migM
stand a chance of being pummelled to death with
hats, great coats, boas, and shawls, to say nothing
of umbrellas, fishing rods, and parasols — or if a seat
near the window happened to be ours, an ejection,
and consequent decapitation on the* rails, would
present a prospect by no means enviable or parti-
cularly agreeable. However, we must hasten to
allay the worthy gentleman's feelings, and deprecate
entirely, wholly, and for ever, any partial inter-
pretation or personal application of such ^^ wise saws
or modern instances " as may have occurred in
our two former volumes, or which may present
themselves in the course of the present production.
We repeat our former assertion, that we have
nothing and will have nothing to do with individuals
— our business is to negociate with society in the
mass, and her systems in detail. She must manage
her children singly, after her own fashion, only we
claim the privilege of exclaiming against her general
mode of action towards her family, and the evils
and troubles which are continually arising from her
sad mismanagement. She lets her boys and girls
run riot and do whatever pleases them best — she
makes them drunk and then laughs at them ; and
when they kill each other in their madness, she

PREFACE. V

kills them in return. She accuses them of being
poor, and robs them every day of their earnings.
She places every incentive to crime in their way,
and then tells them to be good children, to learn their
catechism, and do as they would be done by. Now
we are so thoroughly disgusted by and displeased
with society for her unjustifiable levity and wanton
wickedness, that we determined to give her a good
dressing at once, and shew iier that, however beau-
tiful she thought herself, external beauty was not
every thing, and that the more of talent which was
accorded to her, the more should we expect at her
hands. We have done this briefly, and spoken as
we felt, for it grieved us sorely to see one we held
in so great esteem and regard making such a fool
of herself as has been her practice of late years.
And we trust that our readers will therefore lay
aside all exclusive feeling, and aid us in the endea-
vour to impress upon society the necessity for a
thorough amendment and re-organization of her
system of conduct, a consummation which has been
long and loudly called for.

AMy de la Zauch^

Easter Monday^ 1843.

PART I.

CHAP. I.

DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE, AND CRUELTY

TO ANIMALS.

When we reflect upon the enormous slaughter
of animals in England alone for the alleged support
of the inhabitants, and which has been computed as
follows, cattle 1,500,000, and sheep seven millions
per annum, the question whether we are justified in
making such a use of God's creatures will, in spite
of every effort to avoid or smother it, at times ob-
trude itself upon our notice. In the above compu-
tation be it remembered, there is no mention made
of swine, poultry, fish, game, or any smaller animal,
nor of those which we destroy as vermin. Pondering
then upon this subject, we turn to our neighbours
the Scotch and Irish, and we find a race of persons
who throughout the year subsist entirely upon po-
tatoes and oat-meal ; and again, passing from these
to the South-western extremity of our own country,

VOL. III.

8 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE,

we find on the coast of Cornwall, from Penzance to
the Land's End, a class of beings who for size, form
and substance may vie with the Royal Horse Guards
Blue or Red. These people never see fresh meat,
but feed entirely upon a kind of black bread, prin-
cipally made of barley-flour, and upon dried fish,
yet no one can walk through the villages of the
district in question without being instantly struck
with the eminent superiority of the inhabitants.
Following the matter a step further, and tracing the
course of the inventions of the present day, we cannot
but think that the hand of an Almighty and Merciful
Providence is at the present time as clearly discerni-
ble in this particular, as in any of the more important
(as we deem it) affairs of this world. There is, to
our eyes, a manifest tendency in the inventions and
discoveries of the age to diminish the necessity for
destruction to animal life and cruelty to animals,
and at the risk of being dubbed visionary enthusiasts
we still will ^^ hold our own " on this head, and will
now point out a few of the most striking natural
evidences in support of our position. Millions of
beasts are slain annually for the sake of the hides
and horns only; now there are few purposes to
which leather is applied which caoutchouc or india
rubber will not answer quite as effectually, and even
more so; and we are not at this precise moment
aware of any urgent or absolute necessity for horn
as now applied to the wants or necessities of the

AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. 9

human race. Again, thousands upon thousands of
animals are slain for the tallow alone which they
yield; to supersede this we have gas, electricity,
oil, spirits, naptha; and if our inventive genius were
racked we doubt not that one year only would pro-
duce as many " new lights " as there are weeks in
the year, all of them cheaper than tallow even, and
infinitely more agreeable in the use, and none in-
volving death or any sort of cruelty. True indeed
is that scripture which saith, << Seek and ye shall
find, knock and it shall be opened unto you." And
would we but seek in earnest faith and apply the
promises of our blessed Saviour to ourselves in the
pure simple child-like confidence which He recom-
mended, we should then find that ^^ all these things
would be added unto us."

No one who has any regard for humanity, can do
otherwise than hail with delight the efiect of the
railways in lessening the amount of suffering and
pain to dnimals, — to the horses which were flogged
to death in our stage-coaches and private carriages,
and to the weary and foot-sore ox which had often
many a hundred miles to travel ere it reached the
shambles. But some will perhaps say, '' Doth God
care for oxen?" In answer, the Bible declares that
^* not a sparrow falls to the ground without His
knowledge." In our earliest years we are taught
daily and nightly to pray " Thy kingdom come,"
and when that glorious period arrives, we find from

B 3

10 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE,

the Word of Truth, " That the lion shall eat straw
like the ox, that dust shall be the serpent's meat,
and that the wolf and the lamb shall feed together."
Now what, may we ask, is to be understood from all
this? if it be explained figuratively, we confess our-
selves utterly unable to think of any time, place or
people to whom the passage is applicable; if we
assert that it alludes to time past, we are directly
carried back to Eden and the feiir bowers of Para-
dise, and a doubt arises as to any part of the scrip-
tures being applicable to our time if this be not; but
if we in true faith believe the Holy Scriptures to
be what they are, and were mercifully designed by
God himself to be, namely, guides for every rule
of conduct and every condition of life, surely we
must grieve His Holy Spirit and wound our own
consciences by attempting to explain away, or put-
ting any secondary interpretation upon words so
plain, so intelligible, and so totally inadmissive
of mistake as those we have just quoted. We are
perfectly aware of the scorn and ridicule with which
many will receive such notions as ours, but we
nevertheless feel assured that all things in nature,
in Heaven, and in earth, are tending gradually to
the establishment of peace and rest: man only,
rebellious, ungrateful, and unthankful, holds out
against all promises, threatenings, and warnings^
and ere the blessed consummation is realized, and
the Redeemer's kingdom be established once more

. AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. 1 1

among the children of men, we believe that by sore
judgments alone will they be compelled to own the
literal truth of that word which with their tongues
they profess to believe, but which by their daily
actions they deny.

It may here be urged, that the uses to which
animal substances are now applicable are so inti-
mately interwoven with our daily, nay hourly wants,
that the loss of them would create such confusion
and inconvenience as to produce very serious conse-
quences. Now, that any very sudden change in
any of the arrangements of society would probably
be productive of such results, humanly speaking,
we do not for an instant dispute, but that a gradual
and well-regulated alteration would be followed by
injurious effects we never will believe. " Oh ! "
says the lawyer, " what are we to do without parch-
ment?" In the Year Book of Facts, (for which
year we at the moment forget, but we believe it to
be 1839, or one of the two following,) there is a
recipe for artificial parchment which would deceive
the shrewdest lawyer in the kingdom. But leather ?
you will exclaim. In the same work you may find
vegetable if caoutchouc suits you not, and what is
more I will venture to affirm, that in less than two
years from the present day, the 11th of April, 1843,
the first day of the appearance of swallows in these
parts, though the ground was covered with snow
during the whole of last night, and snow is still fast

12 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE,

falling, (we mention these little particulars in order
to impress the thing more pointedly on your me*
mory,) we say, in less than two years from this
date, we will, if you will defray the expense of the
invention and the taking out of a patent, produce
you an article so like leather that Mr. Hoby himself
shall be taken in, and yet it shall contain no animal
substance whatsoever, at least none that renders the
death of the animal necessary.

But, says the furrier, what are we to do without
furs ? and the ladies are in agonies for fear that their
boas, muffs, and beautiful fur cloaks are to be ban-
ished. The Hudson's Bay Fur Establishment,- and
its twin-brother (though they will not acknowledge
their relationship) the Baffin's Bay ditto, rise up in
arms against us, and point to their five-and-twenty
guinea absurdities, and ask, what is to become of
these ? and can you produce anything like them ?
Certainly we can ; and by the aid of a very slight
degree of ingenuity, we could shew the manufac-
turer how he should be able to imitate the fabric of
Astracan lamb's skin, with the fur attached, so suc-
cessfully that even you should be deceived by it,
and the cost should not exceed one-fifth of your
charge. There is scarcely an article in your whole
establishment that we could not make a resemblance
to, without killing a single living creature for the
purpose. And if you challenge us to the pounds,
shillings and pence part of the business, why we can

AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. 13

easily afford to undersell you one or two hundred
per cent, at the very least, and realize a very hand-
some profit into the bargain. We could furnish a
much more luxurious article, and one entirely free
from the nauseous objections which attach to furs in
general. You may be inclined to swear slightly at
us for this piece of information, but we pray you
to abstain therefrom, and ask yourselves whether it
is not probable that, after these hints, some well-
thinking person or other may not be tempted to
enter the lists against you. We sincerely trust they
may, and promise any such well-thinking person or
persons all the patronage we can collect ; and more-
over, to insert their advertisements on the cover
sheet of our work, or in the interior, firee, gratis,
for nothing, and that is more than we would do for
any Fur Establishment of the present day in the
kingdom, even were we to make a guinea a line by
the process.

But we must dismiss the Hudson's Bay and Baf-
fin's Bay Companies for the present, for we see
Monsieur le Bouillet, the Cook, coming to ask, we
suppose, how he is to make an artificial sirloin of
beef. Rather a puzzle this, but we must face it
any how. Entrez Monsieur : " Tu parle Anglois
ne c'est pas? " " Non, dat is, oui monsieur nous le
parlons var leetl.'* " Eh bien, vous le comprends
sans doute ? " " Oh, oui, parfaitement monsieur."
" Very well now. Monsieur Bouillet, we know you

14 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE,

to be a person of very superior talent" " Ah mon-
sieur you vas flatter, you vas indeed." ^' Not a bit
of it, Bouillet, we know it to be a fact, and therefore
we have sent for you to assist us in this very diffi-
cult and important matter : you see, we have taken
it into our heads that you could invent some dishes
which shall contain vegetable substances and animal
portions, such as milk, butter, cheese, cream, eggs,
&c. &c., and be quite as palatable, as nourishing,
and more wholesome, than the dinners you now
send up, — what do you say ? " " Ah ha ! voyons,
dere is des ceufs, var well, den nous avons des vege-
tab, den de milk, de bread, de bouillie, vat you do
for dat ? " " Oh soup you mean, — why, cannot you
make soup without meat ? we think we could do as
much as that, and nobody ever find us out, for we
have known a liquor put upon the table and drank
for a whole evening for the best Port wine, which
did not contain a drop of wine of any kind or sort
whatsoever, and moreover, it was only made the day
before it was drank." " Ah ha ! ver funny dat, ver
funny indeed, but we do notre best wid de bouillie,
den de ros-bif vous savez ? " " Why yes that's a
poser Bouillet, but we tell you what you must do,
you must send up so many small dishes, entremets,
and what not, disguise them with sauces, and make
them in moulds like mutton chops, beef steaks,
chickens, &c., that the people shall not find out the
difference until they taste them ; and then you shall

AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. 15

mak€ these things so extremely agreeable to the
palate, that we shall have no occasion whatever to
regret the exchange ; and besides we will get up a
sobscription, and offer a premium for the best work
upon Vegetable Cookervj which any body may think
proper to write." " Ver good plan dat, monsieur,
il faut que vous find plenty of de auteurs, si vous
go to work comme 9a. Ah ha ! comment c'est un
homme bizarre ce Monsieur Hugo ! "

Bizarre indeed, grunts out an Alderman, I should
like to know what a Lord Mayor's feast would be
worth without turtle ? My dear sir, surely if we
can manufacture leather so as to deceive Mr. Hoby,
there can be no difficulty in manufacturing turtle to
please the Lord Mayor; only think of the incentive,
and then can you for a moment doubt that our best
energies will not be exercised on your behalf? We
should be poor cooks indeed, if turtle soup was the
" ultima thule " of our cuisinary capabilities. And
we contend, and will maintain, that our friend
Monsieur Bouillet yonder, or Ude, or any of hoc
genus omnef could, if they chose, produce a soup
which should even be preferred by the civic palate
to any turtle they ever swallowed ; albeit, not a mo-
dicum of any animal substance, eggs and the afore
selected articles only excepted, should enter into
the composition thereof. And what is more, though
we have not the remotest intention of giving offence,
we hesitate not to assert, that the cruelties and

16 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE, '

safferings the turtle undergoes previous to being
eaten, are a lasting source of disgrace to a civilized ~
nation, so long as they continue to be practised. ~
There is no more necessity for turtle soup to be made
as it now is, than there is for mermaid soup, or
monkey soup, or soup concocted from a Bornean
baby ourang outang. *

Now let us, before proceeding further, beg not "
to be misunderstood. We wish to attract attention ~
to natural yac^^; and in giving our opinion on the

fig

tendency of such facts, we would at the same time "
earnestly entreat our enlightened and serious-think- "
ing friends to unite with us in examining these '
things carefully, and with deep consideration. For '
our own part, trifles as they may appear, we look '
upon these facts as striking signs of the times ; and,
instead of shrinking fearfully from their approach^
we hail with feelings of intense joy the prospect,
however remote, of that blessed and glorious reign
which shall establish peace upon earth and good
will towards men, safety and security to God's
creatures, and yet provision be made for all.

If we survey the matter in a political point of
view, there is abundant evidence in proof of the
assertion, that to feeding grossly upon fresh meat,
and to the exceeding superabundance of liquor, are
owing full two-thirds of the crime and poverty of
the English nation. Viewing the matter medically,
proof the most positive, both in the detail and ag-

AND CRUELT7 TO ANIMALS. 17

I

gregate in support of the axiom, that disease is not
only aggravated, but created by their use, stares us
in the &ce at every step we take. Taking the subject
as bearing upon the state of society in general, we
have only to refer to our sporting friends to show
the effect produced upon society, both mentally and
corporeally. Nature seems to be silently, gradually,
and with the most inevitable certainty to be doing
away with the necessity of our present system;
and in the works of nature do we trace the finger
of the Almighty Creator distinctly delineating, as
though the handwriting appeared in Divine charac-
ters on the walls of our dwellings, what His com-
mands are. It behoves us then to search deeply into
the works of His hand ; and in days such as these,
when wonders and inventions crowd upon us with
such amazing and almost confounding rapidity, at
once to acknowledge the evidence of the Creator's
power, and humbly to enquire ^^ What he would
have us to do?" Gratefully ought we receive the
many additional proofs of His love and mercy,
which, during the last ten years especially, have
been so numerously shed around us, but let us take
heed, and beware of arrogance, presumption, or
avarice; let us not say, when pointing to the many
wondrous inventions of this our time — " Hath not
my hand made all these?" Alas ! woe be to Eng-
land if she presumes thus ; but let us admire as we
progress, and say at every step we take, ^^ This

18 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE,

hath God wrought for us poor, weak, erring crea-
tures;" and let us ever remember that it is our
bounden duty to do to those of His creatures which
He has placed under our subjection, even as He
has done to us. They are given for our use, but
if we abuse them, it is at our peril.

We are quite aware that the subject upon which
we have now touched is one of great difficulty, and
involved in a considerable degree of perplexity;
and we would anxiously wish for the aid of men of
talent and sound judgment in treating upon such
matters as that with which we are now occupied ;
but they must, we think, be as much attracted as
we are, by the consideration of the fact of every
thing in nature, art, and science, so evidently work-
ing, as they appear to be, all to one common end.
And to doubt that the finger of God is discernible
in this matter, seems to us little short of impious
infidelity. It seems as though our Maker were
saying, " This is the way, walk ye in it." Trace we
the probable effects, all appear to have for their end,
quiet, repose, and happiness. And if we analyse
the matter deeply, the only obstacle that arises to
prevent the realization of that end, seems to be the
perversity of the human race. We appear to be
going on, as if blindfold, snatching at shadows, and
neglecting the substance— entering upon war for
the mere sake of wantonness, when all the world
is at peace besides ourselves ; defending measures

AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. 19

which are opposed to every law of God and man,
upon the ground that if we forbore to exercise a
given and injurious trade, other nations would adopt
it to a much greater extent; upon the same princi-
ple we presume that a school-boy kills a wasp be-
cause if he did not somebody else would.

Now, all this may be very ingenious and very
CONSERVATIVE, but to US old Tories it savours
strongly of sophistry, and perversion of common
sense, justice, and probity. And we hold that
every source of revenue, be it the duty on hides,
spirituous liquors, or opium, or any other item,
ought at once instantly to be relinquished, if we
have the smallest doubt as to the rectitude of our
tenure, feeling indubitably assured that even then
we should not be at a loss for means, and that other
and more abundant springs would be pointed out to
us in lieu of the muddy waters we had forsaken.

Expediency seems iast wearing out, and sophistry,
however eminent, betrays itself; its garb is thread-
bare, and its deformity unhidden. Facts the most
conclusive and incontrovertible daily arise to dissi-
pate our theoretical illusions; and however imprac-
ticable and impossible a thing may seem to us, the
most sceptical must acknowledge that ^^ with God
noihing is impossible." In the spirit, therefore, of
supplication for enlightenment, and a firm trust in
the promises of Scripture, let us betake ourselves
to the examination of the subject of this chapter.

20 DESTRUCTION OF ANIMAL LIFE.

for it is one which must ere long force itself se-
riously upon our notice. We shall do well to be
before rather than behind hand with the age in which
we live. It is better to be waiting upon our Master,
and looking for his coming, rather than to be out of
the way or asleep when our lamps ought to be
trimmed, and we prepared to enter with the wedding
guests.

CHAP. 11.

ENGLISH REMUNERATION FOR FEMALE LABOUR.

In the Standard of Monday, April 10, 1843, we
find evidence to the following effect, in illustration
of the " admirable workin^^ of the existing poor
law, extracted from Grainger's Evidence.

" Messrs. Silver and Co., who have carried on a
large business in this trade during the last half
century (in the shirt making trade), stated that in
the year 1794 they paid for making a full-fronted
shirt from 2^. M. to 3^. 2d. They now pay for
cotton shirts ten pence per dozen ! ! for printed full
fronted ditto 2s, 6d. per dozen, for common white
ditto 5^. per dozen, for better ditto lO^. per dozen."

" Mr. Davies, Stepney. On an average women
cannot earn more than 2s. 6d. to 35. and 4s. per
week, and to do this they must work very close."

" Harriet Rothwell, is a widow, with four chil-
dren dependant upon her for support. Is now paid
Qd. each for making shirts. About three months
ago she was promised by a lady that she should
have one dozen shirts to make : she was to have
received 1^. Qd. each for making them. Upon
calling for the work the lady said the linen draper
had agreed to get them made for her for 6d, each."

Now we unhesitatingly declare that the thanks

22 ENGLISH REMUNERATION

of the nation are due to the Editor of the Standard,
and not merely those of the sufferers in whose
behalf he pleads so ably, for the generous, manly,
upright, and thoroughly British opposition he has
shewn from first to last to this most accursed stigma
on our national character.* Others of his contem-
poraries have nobly ranged themselves on the same
side; and though we know that we join a little
band, with heart and soul do we claim to be admitted
as a volunteer in their ranks, envying the meanest
post in the rear to that of a leader of the opposite
phalanx, of whom the least that can be said is that
for the present at any rate they are under a cloud.
Most fervently do we pray that, for the honour of
our country, the cloud may speedily be dissipated,
and that the time may not be far distant when we
shall see the union poor house transformed into a
phalanstery or asylum for the aged, the helpless,
and infirm, with the present rules and regulations
abrogated, and a system more worthy of our name
introduced within its walls. We think ourselves
philanthropists — we boast of our chivalrous cha-
racter, of our societies for the protection of female
virtue, and of our high estimation of and regard
for the sex. The foreigner smiles scornfully at us,
and points to the union workhouse, to the streets
of our towns, to the huts of our villages, and to
facts such as those which are recorded in the outset

* The New Poor Law.

FOR FEMALE LABOUR. 23

of our chapter, to our mines and our factories, and
challenges us to the proof. Could we but witness
a thousandth part of the misery which these poor
creatures undergo, while toiling for the pittance so
reluctantly accorded to them by us their employers,
how would the burning blush of shame tingle on
our cheek, at the thought of our execrable mean-
ness, our brutality, in compelling human beings of
our own flesh and blood, with souls as precious and
immortal as our own, to labour daily, nay nightly
also, for a wretched recompense, which scarcely
suffices to keep the vital spark alight Let us
follow one of these who are entitled to the rank of
the fairest portion of created beings in this our
world, to her home, and if humanity and every
sense of manliness and honour be not dead within
us, let us ask where is the man who could muster
sufficient courage (or cowardice would be a fitter
term) to offer her such an insult for her labour (for
price we cannot call it) as that we have mentioned
— ten pence for making a dozen shirts II Well may
our streets, and courts, and alleys, swarm with
unfortunate beings who prefer the wages of iniquity
to starvation or the workhouse jail. Prefer did we
say ? Nay who are driven to such a course. No
wonder that the wretched mother seeks a momen-
tary oblivion of the pangs of hunger, destitution,
and despair, in the gin shop. We place it in her
way, and exclaim against the cruelty of depriving

24 ENGLISH REMUNERATION

the poor of their comforts. For shame ! for shame !
Little cause have we for surprise that the fitther
robs in the hope of being transported, or that the
brother, rendered reckless by desperation, should
stain his hand with the blood of his fellow man.

Let us not for a single instant be supposed to
advocate or excuse crime, — never. Our penal
laws are even now too lenient in a most culpable
degree. Were they stringent in a tenfold ratio,
and were our conduct towards our neighbour regu-
lated by the command of our God, by the precepts
of our blessed Saviour, and in accordance with the
inward workings of his Holy Spirit, speaking to us
in the still small voice of conscience, one half the
annals of crime which now darken the pages of our
history would at once be wiped away, and our
national character be purged from the degrading
stamp which has been impressed upon it by the
misguided and infatuated advocates of the hateful
system which has made poverty a crime, and offered
vice and despair as the only available alternatives.
Some may perchance enquire what business have
we to interfere, or pass judgment upon legislative
enactments, or presume to intrude censure unasked ?
When our character as a nation of Christians is
impugned, when every law of feeling and huma-
nity is outraged, when our women are driven to
iniquity, when crime is shielded and encouraged,
and no steps are taken, either in the way of allevi-

FOR FEMALE LABOUR. 25

ation or remedy, for such glaring, such hideous
evils, it becomes the duty of each and all of us who
are not lost to every sense of shame, religion,
generosity, and every noble sentiment, to arise and
call upon his neighbour to lift up his voice against
such atrocity. We can call public meetings to
vote an honourable testimonial to the preserver of
foxes ! We can stake our thousands — aye, and our
estates too, at the rouge-et-noir table — we can vote
a monument to defunct Scotch martyrs, and we
can forget the living martyrs at our very threshold ;
but not one meeting can we summon of our coun-
trymen and women to take into consideration the
means for the permanent relief of those latter mar-
tyrs, whose sufferings no pen can portray, and the
amount of which no mortal can ever ascertain. It
is when meditatmg upon topics such as these that
the phalanstery occurs to our minds as a prominent
source of relief to the afflicted and oppressed female
portion of society, to those who by our inhuman
neglect we have degraded, and whom in their
d^radation we have brutally oppressed. O, let
us baste to offer reparation for this crying evil while
yet time is given to us to do it Never let it again
be said that we compelled our women either to starve
or take the wages of iniquity. How can we ever
hope for mercy hereafter, if we as a nation continue
to act as we hitherto have done to that class,
whom we are bound by every tie of honor, huma-

VOL. Ill c

26 ENGLISH REMUNERATION

nity and Christian feeling to support and to cherish,
that portion of our race who naturally look to us as
their legitimate supporters ? Are we men, do we
deserve the name the name of Christians, if we sit
tamely still and look without emotion upon their
sufferings and their degradation, while we enjoy the
fruits of their labour? You may tell us of the
dissoluteness of our females — ^you may point to the
flaunting dresses of our mill girls and our towns-
women, and we in return will point to them and
say, this is all of pleasure and satisfaction we have
left to them ; we have deprived them of every hope
of domestic happiness, we have rendered marriage
a curse to them, a family a burden instead of a
blessing, we have shut up every avenue of hope to
them, and shall we spurn them from us as debased
outcasts, and point with the finger of scorn at those
whom our " rules of society" have made what they
now are ? Shall we take advantage of their mise-
rable lot, and make a profit by their toil and suf-
ferings? God forbid ! We have reared our young
females in the abodes of pain, sickness, sorrow, and
starvation — we have led them forth through scenes
of depravity, crime, and every loathsomeness — ^we
have turned them loose upon the wide world friend-
less, helpless, and hopeless; and having done all
this, we have dared, in the fiace of our Maker and
of the universe, to take advantage of their wretched
condition to enrich ourselves by the fruit of their

FOR FEMALE LABOUR. 27

inhuman toil, and yet we pride ourselves upon our
assumption of the character of a nation of benevolent
Christians !

In taking a brief view of the subject we have
alluded to the sufferings of one class of our females
only, would that it were the only one which calls
for animadversion. We may hereafter revert to
others who have an equal claim upon our attention.
In the meantime, we trust that the subject will be
taken up by an abler pen than ours, and that justice
will be done to those whom we have hitherto so
shamefully neglected.

c 2

CHAP. III.

ELDER BROTHERS, AND YOUNGER SONS*

Our last chapter was upon a melancholy subject
Turn we now to another class of society, who, al-
though less grievously oppressed, have yet much to
endure, to bear and forbear during their passage
through the vale of tears. Some may suppose, from
the title at the head of this chapter, that we are
about to commence an attack upon the law of pri-
mogeniture ; these are persons who are aware that,
however the cap be made, it cannot fail to fit their
head. We assure them, however, that nothing is
further from our intention ; others will ring the old
chime of — " There are some things which are best
not talked about." These are the " thumbers "
in society, an ingenious race who, having found out
the advantages accruing from the practice of this
art of " thumbing," think to carry it on with im-
punity, and are surprised at the audacity of those
who venture to question their right to exercise their
vocation. Of these we are independent, and we
pass them by, therefore, as "things of naught,"
unworthy of the slightest notice, further than what
we have already vouchsafed to bestow upon them.
A third class will charge us with being fire-

ELDER BROTHERS, AND YOUNGER SONS. 29

brands, and with striving to upset society, already
tottering and intoxicated enough. To them we
reply, your conscience smites you, or you would
not have made such a charge.

But if we are to meet our objectors one by one,
we shall need the jaw-bone of an ass, such as
Samson used, to slay the Philistines withal. And
truly do we think that such a weapon, or any other
equally apparently weak, would amply suffice to
overthrow any objections or objectors similar to
those whom we have just alluded to. Heedless,
therefore, of them all, and feeling that we have the
advantage in point of numbers (for we younger
brothers are a somewhat numerous race), as well as
having confidence in the justice of our cause and
the integrity of our purpose, we proceed to analyse
the " Rules of Society '* and the laws of the land,
in especial regard to ourselves, individually, socially,
and collectively.

Society has decreed that a man possessed of large
landed estates shall, by entail, as it is called, hand
down these said estates to his eldest-bom son. In
one or two localities an exception occurs by which
the property is divided among all the sons ; and in
one spot in England the youngest son inherits in
lieu of any of the others. A young heir therefore
generally marries as soon as convenient after enter-
ing upon his estate. His amiable partner makes
him an annual present of — ^^ O, such a nice little

30 ELDER BROTHERS,

baby/' This sort of work goes on for some time,
and upon casting up the sum total, they find that
altogether they can reckon eight or ten olive-
branches, and of these six are boys. Now, it mat*-
ters not one straw whether the eldest of these is a
fool or a knave, a spendthrift: or a sharper, any thing
will do, ^^ he is provided for," that is sufficient ; he
knows it himself, and he acts upon the knowledge.
His father may cut him off with a shilling, and he
can snap his thumb and finger at his father, and
tell him that it is not a very difficult thing to set
aside a will, but that it is monstrously difficult to
cut off an entail without the consent of more per-
sons than one. Thus the &ther and son occupy a
relative position with respect to each other (though
respect, abstractedly considered, is quite out of the
question with either of them) that a king and
queen do on the chess-board when they, and they
only are left : says the king, " You may check-mate
me if you can." Says the queen, " You may caick
me if you can."

Thus matters progress ; and ten to one but the
young lord is more than a match for his father long
before the latter has the remotest notion that it was
advisable to take any preventive steps. Accustomed
to think a g^eat deal of himself, and to be thought
a great deal of by others, it is no wonder that the
next step should be to think for himself. But the
effect produced on the governor's mind upon his

AND YOUNGER SONS. 31

first apprehension of tke fact is carious certainly.
This seldom takes place however until it is quite
too late to think of remedying the defect, the only
thing left now is to endure with patience and ^^make
the best of it," — " but he'll take precious good care
the younger sons shall not play him the same trick,"
— poor wretches, the bare idea never entered their
heads; dreaming little of futurity, they are enjoying
themselves while the sun shines, and every day
rivetting those chains still tighter which bind them
in affection to their (now) home and the scenes of
their boyhood. It is a strange fact, that you will
often find the eldest son cares little or nothing about
his paternal inheritance ; he will pass more than half
his time away from it, and seem more at ease any
where else, — while the reverse happens in the case
of his brothers and sisters, they are longing for and
loving that which they can never enjoy, and he, the
elder, neither enjoys nor loves that which he pos-
sesses. We are told this is human nature, and at a
first view the solution appears plausible ; but it will
not endure analysis, for a cloudy mist obscures
every particle of its composition ; therefore we at
once pronounce the solution useless, and a failure.
Human nature has something to do with the case,
but not in the way understood by the generality of
mankind.

The fact is this: the eldest son is very often
away from home ; the delights of his boyhood have

32 ELDER BROTHERS,

little or no association with his father's dwelling.
He roams about from school to school, and from
thence to college, or the continent, and acquires
artificial tastes, habits, and manners of thinking.
The younger unfortunates, however, know little or
nothing of all this; all their joys are centred in
^^ home," and it is not until the time has arrived
when it is considered requisite that they should
'^ do something," that the truth flashes upon their
minds ; that somehow or other human happiness is
dreadfully unstable, and when the light breaks in
upon their understanding in all its glory, they do
sometimes swear a little (though it is exceedingly
wrong and injudicious in them to do so) at the laws
of primogeniture, which are the laws of their coun-
try. They are wrong, we say, because the laws
they blame have nothing to do with the matter,
and they have no business to look shyly upon or to
envy their elder brother, because he did not place
himself in the position in which they find him. It
was no choice of his, and he too had nothing to do
with the matter.

Secondly. It is injudicious, inasmuch as no man
can think rationally and swear at one and the same
time : swearing, L e. cursing, being a demoniac act,
and therefore disabling any person from thinking
or judging rightly or sensibly upon any topic.
But to proceed : Necessity, with her powerful arm,
impels the youngers to look about them in earnest,

AND YOUNGER SONS. 'M

and she points to divers professions, sundry small
livings, the chance of being shipwrecked, or the
glory of a military life. Says she — " There's
Fame in the distance, and does not that excite
you?"

" Yes, we see her," reply they, " but she looks
wretchedly small at this distance; and, moreover,
that confounded hill is dreadfully steep which one
has to climb before we can reach her. Now, to
our thinking, it would be much better if you would
fly up to the top of the hill, and persuade Fame to
fly down with you, for you've both got wings, and
we haven't ; and then, you see, you could take us
up, one after the other, between you, as easy as
any thing in life."

" No," says Necessity, " that wouldn't do, my
dears ; you make a mistake ; you want to catch the
bird first, and put the salt on his tail afterwards.
A very certain method, doubtless; but then it's
contrary to the * Rules of Society,' which tell us
we must salt the tail, and then catch the bird;
though, to be sure, how it's to be done is not so
very easy of comprehension. But it's of no manner
of use argufying the matter. You were sent into
the world to * shift for yourselves,' and you must
make the best you can of a bad bargain ; for, un-
less you have very superior talent, or a pretty con-
siderable spice of roguery about you, content with
mediocrity you must be, whether or no, unless you

c3

34 £LD£R BROTHERS,

prefer a short life and a merry one, and poverty to
sup up with."

The young Trojans think it very hard ; but the
subject not being one of common discussion in the
school-room or the nursery, they are not exactly
prepared to argue the question. And well it is for
some people that they are so ill provided, otherwise
we deem that it would have fared hardly with the
laws of primogeniture ages ago (be it held in mind
however that we entertain the highest reverence
and respect for said laws). So the lads go to work ;
and now and then (how often?) a fellow more
daring than the rest starts out of the usual track,
like a comet, and eclipses half the elder brothers
in the kingdom? Every eye is staring at him,
and his tail corresponds with his abilities and his
presumption, as some folks deem it. A star of this
kind is worth looking at, principally because it
evinces the superiority of natural argument over
social theory; and it proves that she, ue. Nature,
makes no difference, and sees none between the
child who was born in 1800 and he of 1810. The
rest, however, ^^ settle down," one to the church,
another to the law, a third to the army (which
ruins him in no time), a fourth to the navy; and
the last unfortunate, perhaps, does nothing, but
fMives upon his means," like a ^^ gentleman," as
he is.
. Scattered they all are, and they, in their turns,

AND YOUNGER SONS. 35

marry, some of them at least ; and then comes a
second generation of younger brothers, and then
another and another in succession, each ^^ small by
d^ees, and beautifully less'' (quoted for the second
time), until the original stock is forgotten. And
you may find one of your relations measuring tape
in a general-dealer's shop ; another full five fathom
deep in a coal pit, digging away as if he knew
nothing of being a gentleman. A third perchance
at the hulks, and so on, ad infinitum.

Now for the tug of war. We have said that we
hold in high esteem the law of primogeniture. We
do, as but for it we opine that the estates of our
ancestors would have gone to old Nick, or George
Robins's hammer (we beg our respected friend's
pardon for naming him in the same sentence with
80 very questionable a personage as old Nick)
long and long ago; and, to our thinking, they
might almost as well go to one as the other, at
least as far as we were personally concerned. But
for all our regard and attachment for the afore-
named law, we do most strongly deprecate and
exckum against the laws, or we should say, against
die rules of Juniorgeniture, which society in her
wisdom, as she thinks — in her stultified folly, as we
think— -has thought proper to inflict upon certain of
her members to whom she owes no grudge, but
who, in all ages and conditions of mankind, have
done their utmost to uphold and maintain her cha-

36 ELDER BROTHERS,

racter and reputation, which is more by a deal than
she can say of the elders to whom she is so ex-
tremely partial.

We would uphold the rights of our elder brethren
most scrupulously, and aid and support them in
every way in our power ; but, that should not pre-
vent us Irom doing as much for the youngsters.
And here comes the question, how this is to be
done without infringing upon the acknowledged
prerogative of the elders. Upon our present Social
System you might certainly as well attempt to salt
the bird's tail before you caught it, as endeavour to
devise any tangible method of amelioration ; but,
acting upon the Phalansterian principle, of doing
upon every occasion to others just what we should
wish they should do to us, nothing is easier than
the making a most beneficial alteration in the law
of Juniorgeniture without in the least possible
shadow of a degree altering that of senior or pri-
mogeniture; and "this is the way we wash our
hands."

Now, we biegin with the six-sonned father. Your
eldest son, my lord, is provided for, so we have
nothing to do with him. Your estate is worth
£40,000 per annum. Every son you choose to
have after the first, you shall be taxed ten thousand
pounds for, irrespective of any future consideration
whatsoever and notwithstanding; you shall pay
down this sum on the day of the child's birth, and

AND YOUNGER SONS. 87

it shall be put out to compound interest at £5. per
cent per annum, at the very lowest rate, to accu-
mulate until the youngster reaches the age of twenty-
one years. We conclude your lordship has already
had the good sense to erect a Phalanstery upon
some of your numerous estates. To this place
your son shall be sent for education, and it shall be
his home ; and if he turns out ^^ any thing like,"
he shall look forward to a situation at the head of
the establishment as another portion of his inhe-
ritance. His education thus will cost your lordship
nothing. The fortune you give him will be ad-
vanced at the time when you will naturally feel the
least in parting with it, and the increase to your
son himself will be such a fortune as you could not
in any other way secure to him.

Instead of the paltry £300. or £400. per annum,
which would be all he had to look forward to under
the present system, he would, by a slight degree of
management, find himself, on coming of age, in pos-
session of nearly as many thousands ; and, although
he could not vie with his eldest brother, still his
position in society would be very greatly advanced
above that which he now occupies. The same rule
would apply to all your sons in succession; and
instead of the ridiculously absurd method which we
now adopt of obliging each other to pay a tax upon
light, one of our Maker's free gifts, we would make
you pay towards the proper support of your own
family.

38 ELDER BROTHERS) AND YOUNGER SONS.

This is our suggestion for a new law of Junior-
geniture, to which we request the earnest attention
of our brethren in captivity. We think that both
we and they have been long enough in Egypt : and
we imagine moreover that there is a land of pro-
mise waiting to receive us as well as an inheritance
for those who were never in the land of bondage.

We are a tolerably numerous people, and we
would do well to unite and take the matter into
serious and earnest deliberation. As a body, our
influence in society is positive ; individually, it is
the reverse. Union then should be our aim.

CHAR IV.

SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS.

Among the various evils of society that which
DOW offers itself to notice occupies a pre-eminent
position. It had been our intention to have entered
largely into statistical details, and thus forcibly
pointing out not only the enormous consumption
of spirits, but the tendency such a consumption
must inevitably produce; but upon consideration
this plan has been abandoned, as such details are
already published not only in the daily journals,
bat in almost every magazine in the literary king-
dom. With the moral and physical evils which
result from the abuse of spirits then we have prin-
cipally to do, and we betake ourselves to the con-
sideration of the subject unfettered by prejudice,
interest, or any exclusive bias whatsoever.

It may be urged by the political economist that,
in times such as the present, to attack any particular
branch of the revenue, and especially one so pro-
ductive as this, is unwise, and at any rate it had
better be deferred to some more " convenient sea-
son." We must be pardoned for judging otherwise.
While we are taking shelter under a tottering ruin,

40 SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS.

to avoid getting wet by a shower, the ruin may be
struck by lightning, and, acting as a conductor,
destroy us; and we think the lesser evil of the rain
the preferable of the two. The loss of the revenue
from ardent spirits would never occasion the
destruction of the nation, but the ardent spirits
threatens the desolation of thousands, nay millions,
of souls and bodies of our fellow creatures. ^^ There
is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the
end thereof are the ways of death." Such is the
declaration of the wise man, and had he been
directly alluding to the gin-shop he could not more
aptly have applied the proverb. To no good end
did this diabolical finger-post of society ever yet
direct the human race ; and however great may be
the revenue to the nation, such a revenue can be
classified only under the head of the ^' wages of
sin ;" and again we find the Holy Word meeting
us with the warning that ^^the wages of sin are
death."

Approving, therefore, entirely of the axiom,
that what is morally wrong can never be politically
right, we assert that a nation which derives its
revenues, or any portion thereof, from pandering
to the vices, or taking advantage of the moral
weakness of its people, is not only tending to no
good end, but directly taking the high road to a
very bad one ; and no consideration of expediency
can sanctify the adoption of measures such as these

SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS. 41

— no sophistry suffice to veil their natural ugliness
— no brilliancy of eloquence excuse them upon any
ground whatsoever. Some few of the sure roads
to which the gin-shop tends are as follow : theft,
drunkenness, murder, and the commission of every
abomination—- disease, poverty, despair, loss of cha-
racter, of self-estimation, the destruction of every
valuable, sacred, or noble sentiment the human
breast is capable of containing — the workhouse, the
jail, the penal colonies, the gaUows, misery and
wretchedness here, endless woe in hell hereafter.
In juxta-position with the temple of the living God
we place the ale-house and the gin-palace; and
while the ^^ church going bell" is sounding to sum-
mon the followers of our divine Shepherd to wor-
ship him, the gate-way of the palace of the arch-
fiend stands open to receive the unwary passer-by.
Legislation on this subject, carried merely to the
extent we now behold it, is useless — it is more, it
worse than useless, it is a mockery ; and in saying
that we have done all we can to lessen the evil,
we voluntarily place ourselves in the position in
which Ananias and Sapphira stood before the apos-
tles. Tell us not that by education you can so
improve the minds of the people that they will
^^ hate the gin-shop." Remember the remarkable
words of the greatest general and one of the most
enlightened statesmen of this or any other age, the
Duke of Wellington, who, in allusion to the subject

42 sPifilTUous Liquors.

of education in India, said, ^^ Take care what use. ^
you make of education : if you can provide for the. ^
increasing wants of a highly educated and enlighl- "]
ened race, well ; but if noty you are ordy making S0 r]
many clever devils.*^ A truer sentence was never ^
uttered by any human being, or one more suited :■
to the present condition of England or any other r:
country. Education and a progressive improved ^
method of association must go hand-in-hand, or we \
shall find ourselves in the condition of one who, *
having lighted a fire to warm his house withal,
wakes suddenly, when he least expects so to do»
and discovers that the fire is consuming his dwelling,
and every chance of escape out off. Spirit, like
fire, is in some cases a useful servant, but a very |
bad master. We thought we had secured his ser-
vices — ^he laughs us to scorn, and has made us his
slaves, and will eventually, unless we arouse in ,
time, make us his victims. Already has he de-
stroyed countless thousands of our race, and should !
we be so in&tuated as to dream on ? for those, and
all that fall hereafiber in this merciless and inglorious
war, shall we, as a nation, as a society, and as indi-
viduals, be held accountable. No plea can justify
the use to which we now apply ardent and intoxi-
cating liquor — no excuse can be made for the
attempt to do so but insanity. Spirits are not the
comforts of the poor, but their tormenters ; and it
is a perversion of the term, a reproach to common

SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS. 43

sense, and an abnse of our reason, to call such a
dbeftil scourge of mankind by the name of comfort
It if in our power to provide comfort for the poor,
but woe be to ns if we thus abuse the talent
oitmsted to our charge.

The Standard aptly makes the quotation from
the Bible, in allusion to the opium trade, which
we here insert, as applicable to the subject we are
discussing — ^^ It must needs be that offences arise,
bat woe be imto him through whom they come."
That vice will continue to exist we deny not ; but
there is no necessity of revenue, or any equally
plausible argument which can sanction our placing
a stumbling block in our brother's way, thereby
inciting him to offend — the fall, if he does stumble,
18 his — the guilt of that fall lies at our door, and in
this event the lot of Cain will assuredly be our lot
also.

Let us ponder seriously on facts such as these,
fiicts which are beyond appeal, for they are based
on the unerring word of Him who is truth itself,
even the Spirit of truth, who stands waiting to
receive us, and to guide us into all truth, if we will
but ask and believe his word.

In a former volume we hinted that spirits might
be made available as a source of revenue without
being used for the purpose of drinking, and at the
risk of being termed ignorant enthusiasts, we cannot
dismiss this division of our subject without adhering

&

e

44 SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS.

to the rule with which we set out at the first — ^viz.^- |c
pointing to a seeming (at least) remedy for every
evil of which we complain ; to omit this would be
unjust, and expose us to the deserved imputation 1^
of being idle clamourers, who, having no better b
occupation, take up the cudgels against society for g
the mere motive of indulging a splenetic temper.
We trust those of our friends who have accompanied
us hitherto will absolve us from such an unworthy e
motive.

Our idea, then, as regards the use of spirits i$
this. We think that with a very small exercise of
the inventive, faculty, which so marvellously per-
vades the national character of the times in which
we now live, the use of tallow might entirely be
superseded, as a means of obtaining light, by the
combination of different cereal, resinous, and other
substances, with spirits, naptha, or our old servant
india rubber. We have no doubt but that by
means of spirit in some such combination as this,
whether in a solid form, or in that of gas, a light
very considerably of less cost, and of infinitely
greater brilliance than that of tallow, might be
obtained; and in the distillation of the spirit, the
legislature might compel the use of a certain quan-
tity of the nauseous compounds, which would most
effectually deter any human being from attempting
to swallow or even taste the mixture — the excise
oflBcers to inspect all the distilleries. That illicit

SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS. 45

^listillation would continue, we believe ; but, as in
the case of the tree being cut down to the very
stump, all we should then have to do would be to
destroy the small shoots as they appeared. The
demand for the article would, if the attempt were
successful (and we have no earthly reason to doubt
it), be enormous, the benefit done to society incal-
culable, and one step would be gained towards the
season of rest and hope, which, whatever convul-
sions may intervene, we cannot avoid fondly and
anxiously surveying in the distant landscape of
futurity. There is a bright streak in the horizon,
and though a storm may burst over our heads ere
the streak of light can reach our Zenith, its approach
is the no less certain, and when it reaches us we
shall be more than recompensed for any pains we
may take to prepare for its arrival.

/

CHAP. V.

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS.

Classifiable under the same head, and recogn*
nizable as members of the same family of (we may
truly say) '^ evil spirits," do the wines now in vm
in this kingdom appear. Often and often have we
meditated deeply upon, and searched in vain for, a
cause whereby a rational explanation might be gives
of the reasons which induce the English to poiff
down their throats gallon after gallon, and hogshead
after hogshead, of the atrocious burning liqxim
they are pleased to denominate Port and Sherry.
Our countrymen, however, do see things with very
different eyes from other nations, and their palate^
too, are more readily gratified. No nation on
earth is so easily gulled, and none prides itself
more upon its wisdom and discrimination. Our
friends on the other side of the water shrug up their
shoulders, laugh in their sleeves, and exclaim,
'^ What a fool the fellow is ! Mais n'importe, if he
likes to buy the worst wine we have, why let him
do so, and we will keep the best for our own drink-
ing, he will not be a jot the wiser. A sample of
our very worst vin ordinare, with a due admixture
of logwood, some few ndsins, a trifle of prussic
acid, and a little burnt sugar, will make < some of

SPIRITUOUS LIQUOKfi. 45

illation would continue, we Iwliere ; bal, m id
case of the tree being cat down to the rery
np, all we should then have to do woaM be to
:roy the smalt sboots as they appeared. The
land for the article would, if the attempt were
:es$ful (and we have no earthly reason to doubt
be enormous, the benefit done to society incal-
ible, and one step would be guned towards the
ion of rest and hope, whidi, whatever ooutuI-
]S may intervene, we cannot avoid fondly and
:iously surveying in the distant landscape of
iirity. There is a bright streak in the horizon,
I though a storm may bnist over onr beads ere
' streak of light can reach our zenith, its approa^
iiB no less certain, and when it reaches ns we
i for <ii>y pains we

: .;'» (.''i>t, and oi ie&m
.{.'-::..'atfi>ii <>f t^ qiirt^
.-.-:i--.'nM v^ "^

SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS. 45

<GBtillation would continue, we believe; but, as in
4e case of the tree being cut down to the very
itainp, all we should then have to do would be to
tntroy the small shoots as they appeared. The
lemand for the article would, if tlie attempt were
.itocessful (and we have no earthly reason to doubt
l), be enormous, tiie benefit done to society incal-
nlable, and one step would be gained towards the
ifeason of rest and hope, which, whatever convul-
iions may intervene, we cannot avoid fondly and
sxiously surveying in the distant landscape of
Siturity. There is a bright streak in the horizon,
jBid though a storm may burst over our heads ere
tbe streak of light can reach our zenith, its approach
JB the no less certain, and when it reaches us we
(hall be more than recompensed for any pains we
Inay take to prepare for its arrival.

I

CHAP. V.

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS.

Classifiable under the same head, and recog^
nizable as members of the same fEunily of (we may
truly say) ^^ evil spirits/' do the wines now in use
in this kingdom appear. Often and often have we
meditated deeply upon, and searched in vain for, a
cause whereby a rational explanation might be giveo
of the reasons which induce the English to poar
down their throats gallon after gallon, and hogshead
after hogshead, of the atrocious burning liquon
they are pleased to denominate Port and Sherry. L
Our countrymen, however, do see things with very L
different eyes from other nations, and their palateS} \
too, are more readily gratified. No nation on
earth is so easily gulled, and none prides itself
more upon its wisdom and discrimination. Our
friends on the other side of the water shrug up their
shoulders, laugh in their sleeves, and exclaim,
^^ What a fool the fellow is ! Mais n'importe^ if he
likes to buy the worst wine we have, why let him
do so, and we will keep the best for our own drink-
ing, he will not be a jot the wiser. A sample of
our very worst vin ordinare, with a due admixture
of logwood, some few raisins, a trifle of prussic
acid, and a little burnt sugar, will make ^ some of

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS* 47

tie very best Port wine he ever drank in his life ;'
and he will observe how beautifully it hangs about
ill's glass (especially if it contains a sufficient portion
of raw spirit), and expatiate on the < fruidness'
thereof in wondrous wise ; and as to Sherry, there
is no occasion to go to Xeres for that, it can be
manufactured in any town in England where
brandy, bitter almonds, and Cape Maderia are
obtainable ; only mind, the hotter you make it of
spirit the better will John Bull and his family
approve thereof. We wont mention Madeira, for
that is a genuine wine easily procured, so he turns
up his nose at it, and says it is not worth drinking*
Neither will we tdlude to the delicious juice of the
grape which is to be found in the south of France,
among the vine-clad hilb of the Rhine, the Tyrol,
and in Hungary— never mind their cheapness or
dieir genuine quality, their wholesomeness or their
quantity — ^^wishy-washy stuff" John Bull has
designated them, and whatever other people may
do, his ports are closed against the introduction of
such material as this.

Our friend, John, seems to like being under a
cloud, and obesity to him, whether of a mental or
corporeal kind, appears to add much to his delight*
If the sun shines, he complains of the heat, and he
knocks the barometer with all his might to convey
a hint that rain and clouds would be preferred*
Give him wine, and he swears either at you or it

52 WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS.

charged almost to bursting, drank in the glorious
flood of ecstasy as we walked the gardens of our
childhood's home ? Where is that Eden-like joy
with which we inhaled the sweet breath of Heaven,
and looked forward to a futurity of supreme de-
light, when one hour of such enjoyment comprised
an amount of happiness which years of the world's
joys could not exhibit ?

^^ Transient ebullitions of sentimentality !" ex-
claims the man of the world ; ^^ but what man of
sense would pause for a moment to dwell upon
such sensations, when other and much more im-
portant matters demand his attention ?" Few <^ men
of sense," in the ordinary acceptation of the term,
pause to reflect upon any subject deliberately, save
that of the best method of amassing wealth, or ad-
vancing themselves in the world ; and among the
Port-and- Sherry consuming portion of society, the
gin-and-brandy drinkers, et hoc geims omne^ their
^^ sense" is so beclouded by the food they eat, and
tbe liquor they consume, that we very much doubt
whether one-tenth part of the ^^ important" matters
which engage their attention, or the same amount
of their actions, are attributable to any original
source than the '' transient ebullitions" of a con-
fused brain, a mind debased, its intellect perverted,
and a thorough inversion of its rational faculties.
An opium-eater fancies himself in paradise while
under the influence of the drug, but no opium-

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS. 53

eater ever yet could define his ideas or sensations.
A man three parts drunk will commit the grossest
absurdities, and think himself a pattern of wisdom
at one and the same time ; but neither of these are
one wit the better after the excitement has ceased.
On the contrary, they are poor, degraded beings,
lost in self-estimation, and the ridicule or pity of
others. Not so tiie cultivator of intellectual joy,
however intense ; with unclouded faculties he en-
joys tiie present, and the reflection serves him with
many an hour of pure delight. Cynics may say,
that tiie influence of such feelings as we have en-
deavoured to describe are the exclusive results of
youtii — childhood, we should say — and incapability
of thinking deeply ; or the joyous boundings merely
of a fresh, young heart, unused to sorrow, and to
whom care is unknown. We deny it wholly, and
will ask who is there that knows what it is to rise
from the couch of sickness, to which he has for
months been confined, and when he is first led
out into the fresh, pure atmosphere of a summer's
day, who will not experience, in an almost over-
whelming degree, the sensations we allude to?
But instead of cherishing joys like these, instead
of welcoming the spirits of paradise to the home of
our hearts, what is our course, what the advice of
friends and the physician ? ^^ O, take a glass or
two of wine," and again we enter upon the rules of
society, and revert to a dead, a heartless state.

40 SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS.

to avoid getting wet by a shower, the ruin may be
struck by lightning, and, acting as a conductor,
destroy us; and we think the lesser evil of the rain
the preferable of the two. The loss of the revenue
from ardent spirits would never occasion the
destruction of the nation, but the ardent spirits
threatens the desolation of thousands, nay millions,
of souls and bodies of our fellow creatures. " There
is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the
end thereof are the ways of death." Such is the
declaration of the wise man, and had he been
directly alluding to the gin-shop he could not more
aptly have applied the proverb. To no good end
did this diabolical finger-post of society ever yet
direct the human race ; and however great may be
the revenue to the nation, such a revenue can be
classified only under the head of the " wages of
sin ;" and again we find the Holy Word meeting
us with the warning that " the wages of sin are
death."

Approving, therefore, entirely of the axiom,
that what is morally wrong can never be politically
right, we assert that a nation which derives its
revenues, or any portion thereof, from pandering
to the vices, or taking advantage of the moral
weakness of its people, is not only tending to no
good end, but directly taking the high road to a
very bad one ; and no consideration of expediency
can sanctify the adoption of measures such as these

SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS. 41

— no sophistry suffice to veil their natural ugliness
— ^no brilliancy of eloquence excuse them upon any
ground whatsoever. Some few of the sure roads
to which the gin-shop tends are as follow : theft,
drunkenness, murder, and the commission of every
abomination— disease, poverty, despair, loss of cha-
racter, of self-estimation, the destruction of every
valuable, sacred, or noble sentiment the human
breast is capable of containing — the workhouse, the
jail, the penal colonies, the gaUows, misery and
wretchedness here, endless woe in hell hereafter.
In juxta-position with the temple of the living God
we place the ale-house and the gin-palace; and
while the " church going bell" is sounding to sum-
mon the followers of our divine Shepherd to wor-
ship him, the gate-way of the palace of the arch-
fiend stands open to receive the unwary passer-by.
Legislation on this subject, carried merely to the
extent we now behold it, is useless — it is more, it
worse than useless, it is a mockery ; and in saying
that we have done all we can to lessen the evil,
we voluntarily place ourselves in the position in
which Ananias and Sapphira stood before the apos-
tles. Tell us not that by education you can so
improve the minds of the people that they will
^' hate the gin-shop." Remember the remarkable
words of the greatest general and one of the most
enlightened statesmen of this or any other age, the
Duke of Wellington, who, in allusion to the subject

56 WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS.

subsequently: and fail they will, because their
basis is a false one, and their example, though seduc-
tive, is pernicious. We might multiply arguments,
ad infinitum, in support of this hypothesis ; but we
fear that any argument which went to prove the
superiority of intellectual over mere animal and
corporeal delight, would be deemed unpalatable by
those whose throats are seared, and every better
feeling blunted by familiarity with those "spirits"
which they have been accustomed to consider as the
guides of their youth, the companions of their ma*
ture age, th6 solace of life's declining day, and
which will well conclude the duties of their office
by obsequiously attending the last moments of that
life as Janitors to those regions where, for one drop
of water, would willingly be exchanged, were ex-
change possible, rivers — nay, oceans of the exe-
crable and deleterious fluid, for which their eternal
happiness has been bartered, in obedience to the
commands of their " familiar spirits."

Could we but see the real state of the case, and
how far the lives and actions of men are affected
by physical causes solely, we believe that wines,
such as we now use in England, would be regarded
as rank moral poisons ; that the mind is, more or
less, influential over the actions of the body, is an
universally admitted axiom ; and that the state of
the latter materially affects the former, is equally
indisputable. Half, or more, of the envies, the

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS. 57

jealonsieSy the dark looks, and the mysterious in-
sfamations, which poison domestic life, as we now
find it in society, may be traced to this origin.
Oar mode of life, as regards food and liquor, is cal-
culated to blunt and destroy all the finer and better
feelings of humanity ; hence arises selfishness, and
a disposition to exercise authority over our fellow-
creatures ; and, to trace the matter still higher, to
sudi causes may be, in a great measure, attributed
the senseless maxim, that it is necessary for the
common good of the state, that its legislators, in
either House^ should separate into two distinct
bodies ; and that whatever one body proposes, no
matter how beneficial it may be, the opposite party
shall array themselves against the measure, whether
their consciences approve or not As a natural
consequence the country is divided — ^^ might be-
comes right," and the strongest wins the day.

Absurd fools, we may be termed for thus strain-
ing the subject, and endeavouring to render it ap-
plicable here ; but let us ask. Have not many of
the most brilliant and astonishing speeches of our
orators of former ages been uttered under the
influence of the wine-cup ? Pitt, Fox, and a host
of others, might answer us ; Lord Byron too could
back our argument To what are attributable many
of the liveliest and most striking sallies of wit at
the social board ? and are they, and such works as
those of Byron, Moore, and others, mere corus-

d3

38 WINES AND THEIR EnSOTS.

cations; sparks as it were which glisten for
moment, and are seen no more? Let us not A
deceive onrselves, the books are read, and the witly
sayings recorded ages after the authors themsehres j
are forgotten ; and the effects they produce upon
society would never have been produced had it net
been for the ^* spirit" which dictated them. Many
a small beginning tends to an important terminatioiH
and he who under the excitement of artifirial
stimulus stands up to plead the cause of his Maker,
or his country, stands on dangerous ground ; he
may reach the pinnacle — but one step further, and
he rushes into infinite space and utter destrucUoa.
Offerings such as these may seem a splendid sacri-
fice, but they are unholy fire, and the censer itself
is unsanctified ; no wonder then that the effect is
not commensurate with the exertion, and that the
good which ensues by no means answers the ex-
pectation we may form : the offering is iddtUry^
and the idol is se^.

As a means of obviating, in some degree, the
evils to which we have now drawn your attention,
we would again plead the necessity for co-operative
union, for the purpose of resolutely refusing to
drink or purchase the noxious liquor which is now
offered to us as wine. If a few thousands <^ us
would begin to do this, the effect would soon be
evident enough, and our legislators would find
themselves compelled either to open our ports to

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS* 59

liquors that are not poisons, or give up a conside-
mhle source of revenue ; but if this £eu1s, the Pha-
knsterian principle of association is open to you.
You have your yachts, and your private trading-
vessels, import your own wines, and then see what
your wine-merchants say to that : you may do it,
and save 50 per cent at the very lowest on your
present outlay. But what is to become of all the
trash now in bond ? say you. If every hogshead
were emptied into the Thames, we believe that in
two years time the country would be richer from
the loss of it ; but if it is too precious to throw
away, mix it well with naptha, distil it, and burn it
in your lamps, which is the best hte that can be&l
such a *< burning spirit" There are some old
** fire-worshippers" of the last generation however
still left, and a few perchance of our own ; these
will help you off with some portion of the infernal
beverage. To deprive them of their cardicJ, would
be almost worse than annihilation to persons such
as these, and life without it would be an insupport-
able burden. Have we no regard either for the
female portion of society, our wives, sisters, and
daughters? think of the scenes they are daily
called upon to witness as the effect of wine ; re-
member what must be their humiliation when
they see a member of their family degraded below
the brutes themselves, in the face of Heaven, of
sodety, and their own domestics ! No excuse can

60 WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS.

be made to your wives or your children ; it would
be an insult to offer it, and one sucb act will take
years to make reparation for its commission, if in-
deed it can ever be done.

The path of life is a stony and a thorny path ;
but who has made it so ? Not the Creator — bx
from us be such a blasphemous idea. When man
entered upon the road, he found the stones arranged
on either side of him as warnings and directions;
the thorns of the hedge on his right hand and on his
left were his guards and his protection ; but we
abuse their intention : we take the stones and cast
them in our brother's way, that they may prove a
stumbling-block to him. We pluck the thorns, and
plant them in the hearts of our wives, our sisters,
and our daughters ; and while they in their devoted
fondness would fain clear our path, regardless of
the wounds which we have inflicted, and blessing
the hand that gives the wound, we spurn their an-
gelic ministry ; we seek to harden them even as
we ourselves are hardened, and, in return for all
they do and suffer for us, we change their very
nature. Can we wonder then that our sons grow
up as they now do, and that each succeeding year
finds our country sinking deeper under her diffi-
culties, and that none are to be found who can make
an available effort to raise her up ? Do we require
a solution of the seeming riddle ? Let our sporting
associations give the solution ; let the six months

WINES AND THEIR EFFECTS. 61

ci every year now devoted to the sports of the field
by the leading men in society, and the scenes of
riot, intoxication, and debauchery, which are their
iin£edling attendants, tell us why a blessing is with-
held from the councils of a nation, which, in her
time of peril and of distress, madly devotes her
best talents, her greatest energies, and most valu-
able time, to the idle, dissolute, and pernicious
pleasures of the turf, the chase, the wine-cup, and
the gambling-house.

CHAP. VI.

PROCRASTINATION.

There is a very numerous class in society^ who,
if this life lasted for ever, might possibly be an ex-
tremely useful sort of beings ; these are the pro-
crastinators, always ^^ going to do" something, but
never reaching the exact point of action. You will
hear such an one say, on the intelligence reaching
him or her of the death of a friend, ^^ Ah ! I was
just Agoing' to send or call upon and inquire how
he was." If the procrastinator be a legislator, or
a man of great influence, and the decease of an ap-
plicant for his interest be heard of, the reply would
be, " Dear me ! only think how very unfortunate !
I was ^ just going* to offer him such and such a
situation." If a poor person dies of starvation, a
similar ejaculation is sure to escape from somebody's
mouth, and they were ^ just going* to send relief.
Such people as these seem to have no ideas what-
ever of the present; the future is ail in all to them,
although it must be acknowledged, that their notions
even as regards the time to come, are any thing
but clear and free from mystification. Our western
brethren of the Emerald Isle are especial examples
in support of our theory, and they, like all true

PROCBASTINATION. 68

|»tK9rastiiiator8» are eminently saperstitioiuu Every
fflember of the class is more or less of a fatalists
and tkey will even go so far as to comjbrt a person
in distress (which distresSi by the way, they might
that instant relieve, if they chose) by telling that
person, that it was the will of the Almighty they
should suffer, and that under such dispensations it is
best to show resignation ; and they will exhort you
by the hour in this way, as Job's friends did to him
in his day of affliction. <^ Wait and see," is their
motto ; they advise you always to hope that ^^ some-
thing will turn up ;" but not only will they abstain
from ever doing any thing to bring about the de-
sired event, but they will do all in their power to
prevent you from effecting it, though they freely
assent to the assertion, that the event itself would
be beneficial.

Now, if our friends the procrastinators aforesaid
knew one-half of the utter misery which their con-
duct produces in society, how much ill-will, bitter
feeling, disappointment, and oft-times despair, are
thereby occasioned, we ween that they would re-
ceive a shock, conqmred with which the power of
the gigantic electrical machine of the Polytechnic
Institution, were a bite of a gnat to a scorpion's
sting. Were every moment of our waking lives
spent in active, strenuous exertion, that life would
even then be all too short for what we had to do ;
but no life, however protracted, would suffice for the

64 PROCRASTINATIOK.

procrastinator. Always learning but never able to
attain the truth ; putting off till to-morrow what
might be done on the instant; delaying a favor
until it is of no use or value ; throwing good on one
side, and meeting evil half-way, the procrastinator
neither enjoys life himself, or allows others to do
SO9 if he can prevent it. Should the performer be
a lady, and you tell her something very agreeable,
as you think, or convey the intelligence of a wed-
ding which has every prospect of happiness, ** Ah P'
says she, with a deep sigh, ^^ wait a few years and
see !" If a tale of distress be conveyed to her
which requires instant relief, the answer is, " We'll
see about it" Should prompt decision be requisite
on any very important question, all you get is, ** It's
as well not to be in too great a hurry." And the
chances are that when once fairly in the hands of a
procrastinator, you may have years to wait for
what just so many minutes, at the outset of matters,
would have sufficed to perform.

Among the lower classes, these peculiar beings
are at once to be detected, by a glance at the exte-
rior of their dwellings, — ^broken windows, cracked
walls, rotten thatch, a chimney all awry, and a door
without a fastening, — convey all the information
which can be required ; if you need more, you have
only to enter and look at the wretched ill-clad wife,
the ragged half-savage children, the dirt and filth

PROCRASTINATION. 65

which pervades the whole, and your satisfaction will
be complete.

Again, if you are tired of this picture, and con-
sider it too low to be agreeable, we will conduct
you to the Court of Chancery, and we will conjure

a

ap the shades of departed thousands, whose life here
was passed in the misery of disappointed hope, and
whose ruin was effected by procrastination. The
widow's and the orphan's curse is recorded against
that, as we term it, ^^ High " Court of Chancery ;
and though it is generally considered as a last, or
nearly so, appeal on earth, there is a higher Bar
where appeal will hereafter be made, and that appeal
shall not be made in vain, for God himself hath
spoken it.

We have made the law the scape-goat of our
avarice, our idleness, and our ambition; and the
fDrtunes of thousands of our brethren are swallowed
up to support a number of others, who without such
aid have no ostensible means of existence ; and this
we term Justice, and we boast of the beauty of our
legal enactments. Many and many a poor man's
lamb has been sacrificed on this ^^ High " altar of
procrastination, which we have set up in honour of
the golden image of the Mammon, whom we so
devotedly worship. What matters it, say the priests
of this temple, that our clients are ruined, that, the
costs swallow up the value of the estates disputed, —
we mtist be supported, or society must fall ; but in

66 PROCRASTINATIOK.

answer to this argument we can only say, ^^ Je ne
vois pas la necessite." Abolish the " High " Court
of Chancery to-morrow, and we do not think so-
ciety would be one jot the loser by the abolition,
but on the whole a considerable gainer. Neverthe-
less, as we Phalansterians are not advocates for a
violent death being inflicted on any person, thii^ H
or institution, we would, if possible, endeavour to
change the nature of the scape-goat in question;
and of all procrastinators active or passive in gene-
ral. We would place society on such a footing as
would abrogate entirely the necessity for, or possH
bility of their existence ; and the inevitable result
would be, that they would of themselves vanish
from the world, and be heard of no more. I

It is in the power of society to effect all this if
they so choose, — ^the ways and means are simple^
plain, and easy of comprehension ; combination is
all that is requisite. The laws of the country will j
support such combination, and, as in many other
cases where procrastination is the evil complained
of, the tmU is the only motive wanting, to effect its
entire and complete removal ; to bestow happiness
where misery now reigns supreme ; ^^ to heal the
broken-hearted, and release the captive^ — to bid the
oppressed go free, and to break every yoke.'' But
hope deferred maketh the heart sick, and the ** tree
of life," even the desire fulfilled, never yet sprang
from the root of procrastination.

11

CHAP. VIL

SOCIAL ECONOMY.

" Here's a pretty to do, Mr. Stubbs," ejaculates
oor friend Mrs. S., the lady of a worthy market-
gardener wot rents a foo acres of <^ ingins and we-
getables like '' at Battersea. ^^ Well, my dear, and
whafs to pay now, — bedlam's not broke loose^
I hope, has it ? " *^ Bedlam indeed ! " replies the
spouse, ^* I think the world's gone mad, I do, or
going, I'm not sure which ; why here's a feller been
a writin of a book, to say as how all folks's children
is to be heddicated alike ; a likely thing in-deed.
I should like to see our Jemima a playing of her,
with Arabella Oil-and-candles ! should'nt I now ?
and then that minx Clementine Suds, a holdin up
her head, and turning up her nose and telling of us
as how she's as good as us any day ! I wish the
feller was hang'd afore he wrote sich stuff, I do.
Pvc no patience with sich people — I have'nt, they're
allays a poking their nose in somewhere, where its
not wanted, they are, as if they could'nt let us alone,
we're well enough off, and want none of their
q>inion upon the state of society and sich trash.
I'll tell you what, Stubbs, it's hanging's too good
for 'em, and that's all about it, it is ! " Here our
umiable, but somewhat mistaken acquaintance, was

68 SOCIAL ECONOMY.

80 overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelingSi
that had not a shower of tears rushed to her relief
the neat little arbour, in her husband's equally neat
garden, must have been annihilated ; for the lady
began to evince decided symptoms of hysterical
intention, and had the intention been carried into
effect and not as fortunately was the case been to-
tally frustrated, and all necessity for it obviated by I
the shower aforesaid, nothing could have saved the '^
arbour, inasmuch as it was only licensed for four ;
insides ; and Mrs. S. being a woman of substance
and well to do in the world, never took up less space
therein than two and a half places : this &ct, when
taken into consideration with the very elegant but |
slight material of which the arbour was constructed, k
gave us great reason to fear that any hysterical ex- |
hibition would, as we have just stated, result in the
entire destruction of the ornamental little edifice, and
this in our opinion would have been a decided pity. \

But however the tears helped us wonderfully,
and by the aid of a little southern-wood, a bit (^
lavender, and a few similar natural productions, we
succeeded in obtaining a glimpse of sunshine after
the shower; taking advantage of which, we craved
permission to explain rather more fully than the lady
herself had done, the precise meaning of Phalanste-
rian education. This being granted with a half-smi-
ling, half-sobbing assurance, that we were *^ only a
going to palaver her over, she was sure we were'nt,"

SOCIAL ECONOMY. 69

ve disclaiming any such intention, thus began:
''My dear madam/' said we, " every body must
bow that you are a lady of sense and of strong
feeling; your sensibility no one can doubt, and
therefore we put it to your good sense and candour,
if Miss Stubbs had from her infancy associated with
Hiss Clementine Suds and Miss Arabella Oil-and-
candles, both exceedingly nice girls in their way,
we say we ask whether in such an event there is the
lemotest probability that any real evil could have
accrued to the nation at large ; to society in the
aggregate, or to the young ladies themselves in par-
ticular? Nay is it not even possible, that their
friendship might have led to very important ultimate
results ? '* " Yes, yes, that's all very fine talking,
but I'd have you to know, sir, that a grocer's daugh-
ter's no company for a market-gardener's, let alone
sich a one as my husband." Very true madam,
but permit us to say that talent, and not profession
only, forms a distinction in rank in the Phalanstery ;
thus, to explain more fiilly, a talented person who
undertook the grocery part of the establishment,
would very probably be appointed a general store-
keeper, and in that case, don't you perceive, that
he would occupy a higher station in society than
even the market-gardener does now. " A igher
station indeed ! " quoth the lady, '^ I hopes you're
not a going for to put sich warmint as them over
our eads any hows ? "

70 SOCIAL ECONOMY.

Here our friend began to fan herself violently
with her mouchoir, and some threatening symptoma.
of another shower being evident, we hastened to
explain, ^^ Most assuredly not, my good lady, our
principles would never on any occasion permit us to
place any person over your head ; excepting that
if you occupied the first floor, we might place your
attendants, or the younger members of your family
in the rooms above, and then, as a matter of course,
they must be overhead : but what we were about
to say, when you so obligingly observed upon the
impropriety of superseding your present position in
society, was this, that if Mr. Oil-and-candles were
appointed store-keeper of the Phalanstery, it is ex-
tremely probable that Mr. Stubbs, a gentleman of
such well-known and consummate talent, would no
longer be a market-gardener, but would occupy the
position of inspector of the horticultural department,
so that you see both the families would be very
considerably elevated from their former stations,
and consequently be much better adapted by edu-
cation and circumstances to associate with each
other ; their salaries would probably be somewhere
about equal, and the heads of the institution would
shew the same respect to both, — don't you see ? "
^^ Ah now ! that's what I calls a werry different sort
of a con-elusion," replies Mrs. S., " that there hal-
teration makes a wast difference it do; a^d now
when I comes to think of things there's young

SOCIAL ECONOMY. 71

Frederic Oil-and-candles, him as has been after our
Jemima these two years and better, ony I would let
liim have nothing whatsumever to say to her;
tlioagh she's not half so much agin him as I was.
I say there's Fred, and if so be as how he was the
ion of a ' orticulture ' did'nt yer call it ? I means
if we was an < orticulture ' and he was the son of a
storehouse, as leastwise, a keeper I would say, why
you sees as ow, I don't think there'd be much odds ;
pertickler if he had'nt much to do with that there
oasty tallur, — I can't abide tallur, I can't." " Pre-
cisely, madam," said we, ^< how very curious ! You
have positively forestalled the identical idea we
should have taken the liberty to suggest in the
course of our explanation ; but you see the ladies
always have the advantage of us in point of discern-
ment, and quick as we think ourselves, they inva-
riably beat us at our own game ; don't you find it
the case ? "

<< Now, git along with yer, and don't let's have
none of yer gammon," — was all we got for this polite
speech ; but as the rebuke was given very good-
naturedly, and a most gracious smile had succeeded
to the tearful expression of countenance with which
we commenced business, we proceeded with our
lucubrations. " We were meditating however on
the many advantages which must necessarily accrue
from such an imion of the two femilies, as you have
so very lucidly and wisely alluded to, Mrs. Stubbs ;

72 SOCIAL ECONOMY.

and we cannot but think, that an amalgamation <£
interests similar to this, would be an infinitely hap-
pier state of matters than that both your family and
that of Mr. Oitand-candles now experience ; upon
the Phalansterian principle of doing to others as
you wish others to do to you, the aim of each would
be to assist the other, and in lieu of the petty ani-
mosities, little heart-burnings, and rivalries you are
now daily obliged to put up with, we cannot but be
of opinion that you would realize more solid happi-
ness, and in as great a degree as this earthly state
will permit under our new system, than it is possible
ever to obtain under that which is now in vogue ;
and we were quite sure that a person of your good
sense and sound judgment would, upon hearing the
question calmly debated, and rationally argued,
arrive at the same conclusion."

^^ I say, Stubbs, you come here ; you're allays out
of the road when yer wanted, yer are ; don't yer
stand a digging away as if yer could'nt help it, but
come yer ways here this minit, do." " Well, my
dear, I'm coming, what do you want now ? " " Why,
don't you hear ? this here genlman, he's enough to
wheedle the senses out of one he is. I declares as
ow I ardly know whether 1 stand on my ead or my
eels, he's sich a way with im he has." " Why my
dear, I thought you said just now that hanging was
too good for him, you're mightily changed all of a
sudden." '< Yes but then, that was when I did'nt

SOCIAL ECONOMY. 73

lightly onderstand what he meant, and it's a werry
great difference when he*s a going to put us a top
of the tree, from making us stand a one side for
ivery feller as sells a pound o' fardin rushlights it
kj I've no patience with yer, Stubbs ; you ought
to thank the genlman, you ought, in the stid of
standin grinnin there like any thing." " Grinning,
my dear ?" echoed Mr, Stubbs, " why I never was
80 much obliged to any man in my life, for I've
heard all the gentleman has been saying, and he
has done what I never yet could do, and I've tried
hard at it too ; and that is he has brought you to
hear reason, and what is more to approve of it;
with all my heart I thank him, that I do." " Well,
you need'nt be so sharp for all that, other folks can
be obstinate as well as me." So with that, after
taking a most courteous and smiling farewell, and
an acceptation being given of the fair lady's invita-
tion to pay a second visit to Battersea in the straw-
berry-^and-cream season, we turned to depart,
honest John Stubbs shaking us cordially by the
hand, and saying as he walked off, '^ She's an on-
common wife and mother, sir, that 'ooman is ; but
between ourselves," and here he looked over each
shoulder in succession and lowered his voice some
half dozen semi-tones, *^ between ourselves, she's a
nation hard-tempered un when she chooses."

Moralizing therefore on the success of our morn-
mg's visit we could not help thinking that Mrs. Stubbs

VOL. III. E

74 SOCIAL ECONOMY.

had somehow hit the right nail on the head, for she
at once perceived wherein the new system would
be most advantageous to the particular class of so-
ciety to which she herself was attached ; and we
arrived at the inference that if all other classes
would but make use of their wits as she had done,
they would find something or other which was as
applicable to their condition, in the Phalansterian
or associative system, as there was to that of the
market-gardener and the grocer. To be sure she
made a little bit of fuss about the matter, but that
was purely from misunderstanding our primary
intention, though she never once had the indelicacy
to call us infidels, sceptics, or any such uncomfort-
able names, as some of our better-educated and
more enlightened friends have done. By Social
Economy she understood nothing more than mutual
association, upon solid Christian principles, for the
benefit of the whole community ; and the advan-
tages which must inevitably be consequent upon
such a system as that, if only steadily and determi-
nately carried out, at once vividly occurred to her
mind. Such persons as Mrs. Stubbs, who though
apparently are not gifted with any intense brilliancy
of intellect, very frequently possess a much more
valuable qualification, to wit, common sense, and a
degree of native shrewdness which is fax better
suited to the wants and necessities of the class of
society to which they belong, (and it may be ques-

SOCIAL BCONOMY. 75

tioned whether the same cannot be said of every
class,) than the meteor-like talent of some people,
which in spite of the wonderful sayings it inspires
them to utter, leads them to commit all sorts of fol'
lies and incongruities.

Mrs. Stubbs, worthy woman, at once saw that
the tendency of the associative principle was to raise
every grade of the human race in the social scale,
and that, not at the expence of each other, but upon
an invariable and unerring principle in nature^
which is everywhere and at all times offered for us
to avail ourselves of, if we but choose to do so.
The old proverb of " Religion first and strenuous
action next," is all that we require to commence
with, and a re-organization of our system of Social
Economy, upon the plan of union and co-operation,
based upon plain scriptural precepts and principles,
would be as certain to succeed in the end, as our
present senseless mode of strife, competition, ava-
rice, ambition, and mutual ill-will is not only certain
to fail, but to produce eventually results the most
disastrous, not only to ourselves individually, or to
any one nation exclusively, but to the whole world.
All eyes are upon England, and any dereliction
from right or sound principles on her part, acts as
so much poison to all her relations, and in the same
ratio would a good example set by her, have a cor-
responding beneficial effect upon surrounding em-
pires. She sits a queen upon the waters, and a

£ 2

\

76 SOCIAL ECONOMY.

queen's example is no trifling consideration. Our
own beloved monarch might teach her subjects an
useful lesson on this head ; high as is Her Majesty's
station she is not above taking good advice, as her
public conduct has abundantly evinced, and there
is not a class in society, from the emperor to the
poorest cottager, who might not benefit by Her
Majesty's domestic example, and that of Her Royal
Consort.

CHAR VIII.

POLITICAL ECONOMY.

There are, we believe, few words in more com-
mon use at the present day than the two with which
this chapter is headed, and there are very few which
are so totally inexplicable, easy of comprehension
as they appear. We opine that if one hundred men
were consecutively asked what is the meaning of
Political Economy, not one could give a strictly
definite and intelligible reply. Much has been
written and more said upon this mysterious topic ;
pamphlets numberless have issued from the press,
each taking a different view, all starting from the
same point, and most of them ending anywhere but
where they began; like our red-coated brethren,
their meet is generally a glorious one, but at the
end of the day few can say that they have even
caught a glimpse of what they all were so eagerly
running after. Many indeed follow the sportsman's
exemplar still more closely, for they ^^ tail off," in
the middle of the run, and take a pleasant ride in a
totally different direction, and with an entirely
separate motive from that which actuated them in
the earlier part of the day. Thus we shall see a
very lucid arrangement of "Facts versus Theory,"

78 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

which gives us great hopes of catching a very fine
statistical fox at the close of our run ; but not a bit
of it, after a pretty fair burst we find ourselves al-
together thrown out ; and upon pausing to reflect
upon our latitude and longitude, we perceive that
we are quietly cantering along the smooth fields of
May 1834, (onli/ nine years ago,) and ruminating
fondly upon certain resolutions ^^/" recorded in the
journals of the House of Commons on the 14th day
of the said month. We first drew the cover of
" Free trade," blank ; a mere ** chimera " as the
journal itself tells us. We then tried " Corn Laws,"
but reynard would'nt bolt; trotted off to "Poor
Laws," and there, we as aforesaid, got thrown out;
the field of Political Economy was left unmap-
ped, and we as ignorant of its real form, its high-
ways and by-ways, as when we first started. Now
our notion of Political Economy apart from meta-
phor or allegory is this, we may be wrong, and
many will undoubtedly not scruple to tell us so ;
but notwithstanding, we say that Political Economy
should have some such designation as this, — " The
art by which the existing government manages,
not only the affiiirs expressly committed to its
charge, but so contrives matters that the estate shall
support itself, and not get into debt; or if already
in debt, shall liquidate that debt honorably, or pay
the interest thereof." Now if this be at all a pro-
per view of Political Economy, it is quite clear

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 79

that riding in the direction we now are as a nation,
we shall very soon not only be " thrown out," but
ten to one get swamped in the morass which lies
ahead of us ; the gprcmnd is much too soft already,
as we find it to our cost, therefore it behoves us to
look out for higher ground, and think what is the
point the hounds and we are aiming at, and make
straight for it at once ; for a hunting day at the
utmost is none too long, therefore let us take our
bearings without delay, and see where we are.

England we find contains a population of
27,000,000, twenty-seven millions, her revenue is
fifty-two miUions of pounds sterling per annum, or
1/. 18ff. S^d. the tax which every individual on an
average pays for the support of the State ; a very
small modicum indeed when we consider how much
we are indebted to ^* the State," if that State does
its duty. But somehow or other, that is to say, by
hook or by crook (the latter we fear) the State has
managed to get into debt to the trifling amount of
only 839:^,000,000, eight hundred and thirty-nine
millions, two hundred and fifty thousand pounds ;
and this we do not consider to be Political Economy^
but very like Political extravagance ; and how the
State could be so thoughtless as to get into debt to
the amount of sixteen times its annual income is
rather a puzzler. But it must have been done during
its minority, for it would be impossible, one would
think, for any body having arrived at years of dis-

80 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

cretion, to commit an act of such egregious folly.
Upon asking the State however what are its ways
and means for providing for the liquidation of its
small liabilities, it directly begins to talk about its
sinking fund ; its stocks, 3 per cent consols, long
annuities, India stock, bank stock; and we find
ourselves set fast, and regularly hustled ; quite as
much so as if we were in the wooden stocks in the
market-place of some provincial town, and being
pelted with rotten eggs; and once in, it is no
easy matter to get out of either, without loss of
cash or character. But we do become so thoroughly
mystified when contemplating the stocks, as a means
of getting out of debt, that we are glad to get out
of the stocks at any compromise, even though we
should get a little more into debt by so doing.
Having shaken ourselves however, we turn round
upon the State and say, " Well, if that's the way
you manage your afiairs, all we can say is, it is a
mighty queer one, and we guess that instead of
lessening your debt, you'll add to it every year."
" Why to confess the truth," replies the State,
" We have rather been acting upon that plan of
late; and I don't know how it can be either, for
we've changed our premier steward, and all our
clerks and people, three or four times over, but it's^
all of no use. Income taxes, opium, Chinese dol-
lars, killing our population by thousands with aqua-
fortis, which we make 'em think is gin ; all is of no

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 81

earthly avail that I can see, for do what we will the
deficit always beats the increase at the end of the
year. I*m sure I'm quite disheartened about it,
I only wish somebody would get us out of the
mess." Faint-heart never won &ir lady, say wcj
and being down-hearted never helped any body yet,
so we'll just look your books over, with your per-
mission, and see what assets you can bring to meet
the liabilities. One thing is quite clear, you can't
honestly go on as you are now doing, and that
being premised we'll see what you can do honestly
and honorably too.

Now your debt is, 839,000,000 and a quarter,
(no joke, so don't grin at it,) your revenue is
52,000,000., your population 27,000,000.; and the
total value of all your mines, minerals, manufac-
tures, commerce, land, houses, and every thing you
can lay hands on, and say " that's mine," or it be-
longs to some of my people," is, we believe, from
212,000,000. to 216,000,000., that is, two hundred
and sixteen millions of pounds sterling annually ;
and yet with all that to reckon upon, you can't
keep straight. Why bless your life, in four years
time your income would liquidate your debt, if you
would but live upon nothing, or go to sleep for the
same time ; but as we think you have been dream-
ing for some years with your eyes open, we will
not ask you to do either, so keep awake, and let us
try if we cannot hit upon some tangible mode of

E 3

80 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

cretion, to commit an act of such egregious folly.
Upon asking the State however what are its ways
and means for providing for the liquidation of its
small liabilities, it directly begins to talk about its
sinking fund ; its stocks, 3 per cent consols, long
annuities, India stock, bank stock; and we find
ourselves set fast, and regularly hustled ; quite as
much so as if we were in the wooden stocks in the
market-place of some provincial town, and being
pelted with rotten eggs; and once in, it is no
easy matter to get out of either, without loss of
cash or character. But we do become so thoroughly
mystified when contemplating the stocks, as a means
of getting out of debt, that we are glad to get out
of the stocks at any compromise, even though we
should get a little more into debt by so doing.
Having shaken ourselves however, we turn round
upon the State and say, " Well, if that's the way
you manage your afiairs, all we can say is, it is a
mighty queer one, and we guess that instead of
lessening your debt, you'll add to it every year."
" Why to confess the truth," replies the State,
" We have rather been acting upon that plan of
late ; and I don't know how it can be either, for
we've changed our premier steward, and all our
clerks and people, three or four times over, but it's
all of no use. Income taxes, opium, Chinese dol-
lars, killing our population by thousands with aqua-
fortis, which we make 'em think is gin ; all is of no

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 81

earthly avail that I can see, for do what we will the
deficit always beats the increase at the end of the
year. I'm sure I'm quite disheartened about it,
I only wish somebody would get us out of the
mess." Faint-heart never won &ir lady, say wcj
and being down-hearted never helped any body yet,
80 we'll just look your books over, with your per-
mission, and see what assets you can bring to meet
the liabilities. One thing is quite clear, you can't
honestly go on as you are now doing, and that
being premised we'll see what you can do honestly
and honorably too.

Now your debt is, 839,000,000 and a quarter,
(no joke, so don't grin at it,) your revenue is
52,000,000., your population 27,000,000.; and the
total value of all your mines, minerals, manufac-
tures, commerce, land, houses, and every thing you
can lay hands on, and say " that's mine," or it be-
longs to some of my people," is, we believe, from
212,000,000. to 216,000,000., that is, two hundred
and sixteen millions of pounds sterling annually ;
and yet with all that to reckon upon, you can't
keep straight. Why bless your life, in four years
time your income would liquidate your debt, if you
would but live upon nothing, or go to sleep for the
same time ; but as we think you have been dream-
ing for some years with your eyes open, we will
not ask you to do either, so keep awake, and let us
try if we cannot hit upon some tangible mode of

E 3

82 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

getting out of a little of this mighty mass of debt
Liabilities 839, — annual income 216 millions, —
Humph ! Revenue from taxes 52, — income tax, —
Ugh ! What on airth were you thinking of to bother
yourself with a war tax when all the world's at
peace? Value of manufactured goods exported
£ 14,983,810, ^— value of mines and minerals
19,500,000,— agriculture 150,500,000,— gold and
silver in currency 62,000,000, — paid up capital of
joint stock banks in England and Wales 17,000,000,
—Scotland 7,000,000,— Ireland 2,000,000,— bul-
lion in the bank of England say 8,000,000, — land
39,000,000 acres in England and Wales, 17 of
them pasture land, 12 under tillage, 10 woodland,
water and waste, — why don't you sell some of the
latter ? if you can't make use of it, somebody could,
and the same may be said of Scotland and Ireland,
and your Colonies.

We will now just give you a bit of our mind,
and that is, you've got so much money that you
literally do'nt know what to do with it, and this
being the case, you leave the whole of the ma-
nagement of your estate to a set of agents, who
swallow up the best part of the proceeds, and while
their houses are flourishing and looking as if they
were always kept in a band-box, yours is in danger
of tumbling about your ears from sheer negligence,
and nothing less. Your resources are almost end-
less, and we plainly perceive you are not aware of

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 83

one-half of their extent; and you have allowed
your agents to mystify your affairs in such a manner,
that you are positively afraid to fsice a fair state-
ment of them. If you would but spend rather
less time in your stables, either of the racing or
hunting kind, and send three-fourths of your hounds
to India and America, to hunt wolves and tigers,
and such game, and not waste so much of your time
in mere play and amusement, drink more water and
less wine, to clear your wits, you would soon per-
ceive that a very short time indeed would suffice to
set your affairs to rights ; though upon your pre-
sent social system we verily believe you would be
over head and ears again in a year or two, if you
were left to your own imagination. Set to work
upon an Associative System of Social and Political^
economical action ; drop your Income tax, for it is a
disgrace to you ; you are only crippling your own
energies, and getting into discredit with your te-
nants. We gave you one hint in private, nay two,
in the course of last winter, though you did turn up
your nose at them ; and there are many others of a
like nature, to which we could, if we pleased, direct
your attention; but we reserve them until you are in
a better humour. Away, however, with all mysti-
fication, and if you really wish well to your estate
and your tenantry, evince it not by burdening them
when they are already too heavily taxed ; hui by
removing their former burdens^ and supporting your

84 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

own establishment as every State ought to do. We are
perfectly willing, as your tenants, to aid you in
this, and even to pay off your debt for you ; but
you must allow us to dp it in our own way ; and
we think you are acting unwisely in flogging and
over-driving a willing horse : you may do it if you
please, but your journey's end will not be reached
one minute the sooner ; and recollect, if your cattle
fall by the way, you may take to your own resources
for locomotion, and draw the machine yourself ; and
that would be a task which, taking into reckoning
the weight of the vehicle, would tax your powers
pretty considerably, according to our notions.

What you require is, not political economy, you
want T^roc^icaZ economy; and common sense, instead
of mystified nonsense. Your legislative houses have
an indubitable right to require such and such sums
for the due maintenance of your house and estate;
but pardon us if we say, your Chancellor of the
Exchequer should be a person apart entirely from
your legislative body ; he should stand in the re-
lation of house-steward, and be at the head of the
steward's department, having no other business
whatever to attend to ; — the same may be said of
all the other great officers of the State ; each should
have his own peculiar vocation to occupy his time,
talents, and attention, and nothing more. The
truth is, you (the State) require all your servants
to do so many different things all at once, and you

1.

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 85

are so perpetually ringing the bell, and sending
them upon a hundred different errands at one and
the same moment, that it is utterly impossible to
do any thing properly ; and then you have a most
absurd way of letting your tenants overwhelm your
Houses of Assembly with petitions, and all sorts of
tomfooleries, about the people's charter ; whereas
if you and your agents would but act always on
the Phalansterian principle, of doing exactly to
others as you wish them to do to you, there would
be no earthly occasion for petitions, or any such
folly, for the people would never trouble their heads
about such matters ; the cause being removed, the
effect would cease.

As to saying that you were compelled to have
recourse to the Income Tax to set your affairs right,
there never was a greater absurdity, and what is
more, it is not true ; there are a hundred less ob-
jectionable methods which might have been adopted,
if any additional tax were absolutely requisite, a
statement we venture to deny in toto. Systematic
regulation is all you require ; a trifle of economy,
it is true, must be used ; but no meanness what-
soever need be resorted to. You may live as well
as you now do, and keep up the same state ; but
there are a few old scores which must be wiped off
first, and submission to a simple, straightforward,
and regular organized plan is essentially necessary,
both in your foreign and domestic relations. No

86 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

equivocation, no mystery, no waiting to see how
uncertain systems work, eventually they never can
work well. You never can hold up your head, and
look your tenantry and neighbours full in the face,
as an Englishman ought always to be able to do,
while you act upon such a method as that; the
Opium trade, the Maynooth grant, the Income Tax,
and two or three other small matters of the same
calibre, will be thorns in your side, as long as ever
you continue to foster their growth. They are of
no earthly use, but a great moral evil to your con-
stitution, and by retaining them you are keeping
open a festering wound, which is gradually though
surely undermining the strength of that constitution
upon which you so much pride yourself. The
revenue too which you derive from your gin-
palaces and beer-shops will never prosper; it is
another thorn, and a painful wound it has already
created ; suffer it not to rankle then further, but
betake yourself to some more honourable and more
legitimate mode of supplying the exigences of your
estate.

A few days ago we met with a paragraph so exceed-
ingly apropos to our present subject in a small pub-
lication entitled, "Companion to Gilbert's New Map
of England and Wales," that we make no apology
to society for its insertion here, though we do crave
pardon of the author for the act of piracy we com-
mit, " without permission." Speaking of the par-

HJ

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 87

liamentary system he says, ^^ Among the members
of the Commons there is a propensity to law-making
80 very strong in some cases, that it may be said to
amount to a mania, indeed almost to a furor; the
ostensible reason of their being assembled for the
year is the dispatch of public business, but the fact
is, diey greatly retard that business, and are not
the parties that do it after all. They merely say
*Aye* or *No* to the statements laid before them by
tbe ministers of the crown for the time being, and
this might as well be done in six days, or even in
six hours, as it is in their session of as many months.
Great part of their time is occupied upon what they
call ^ great public questions,' which are amorphous
subjects, that have neither side nor end, so that the
members can harangue as long and as eloquently
upon them as heart can desire, and yet close ex-
actly where they open. These sayings are printed
\ in the London newspapers, with just a little of the
I sauce of the party on which the managers of the
paper depend for their sale ; and then the debates
are repeated night after night by the 'free and
easy' clubs in the London pot-houses. Folks do
not read them so much as they used to do ; but
sometimes, when the newspaper is a double sheet,
and the reader is not very au fait at finding the
pages, he will glance over some stormy row in the
Commons House, supposing all the time that it is
a street brawl or a police-office rehearsal. But

88 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

when he finds out his mistake, he tosses the paper^
from him, with an ejaculation, that it is * nothing'"?^
but the House of Commons after all.'

" In conducting the march of legislation, the two*^
Houses may be said to play *spur' and *mar- ■
tingale.' The Commons keep the rowels con-r
stantly in the flanks of the beast, so that were it^'
not for the check of the Lords, it would plunge and '^
rear, and come right over, to the destruction of^
rider, saddle, beast, and all. Between the two""^
there is progress made, and mischief prevented; ?
but the march is most unseemly. It cannot be ^
otherwise. We have mentioned that no means are ^'^
taken to ascertain whether the member knows any ^*
thing about the principles of legislation, or the pre- ^
vious state of the statute-book. But to work they '
go, pell-mell, and broach the wildest opinions, and *
propose, and sometimes contrive to get passed, the
queerest laws that can be conceived, as opposite to
the statute-book as an acid is to an alkali ; and thus
the salt of parliamentary wisdom is neutral, and
the country is left — in a pretty pickle."

The writer, who evidently knows " a thing or
two," goes on to prove that the result of this system
is in the end beneficial, and that like indirect taxes,
it serves as a sort of "tub to the whale," and thus
keeps society's attention engaged, preventing her
at the same time from opening her eyes too widely
and discerning that which was never intended for

POLITICAL ECONOMY, 89

er to see, or pass any opinion upon ; for although
le legislators are without doubt the servants of
Dciety, and their wages are not to be complained
f, moreover, it being an indisputable fact, that,
use the words of our friend Pat in the preface of

former volume, *^ they have lashins of mate an
rink, and mighty fine carriages an horses intirely>
nd ould ancient castles, and ivery thing con-
anient," still they by no means consider that their
smployer, ** Society," has any right to know all
hat goes on in the " servant's hall." " There's
lonour among thieves ;" the footman has his pri-
nleges ; and in days like these, if the employer
vere to consider his house as his castle, and every
room in it as his own property, we guess that a
very trifling modicum of experience would serve to
convince him of his mistake.

Notwithstanding all this, however, it cannot but
be admitted that society does require too much at
the hands of her servants, and the result is what
might be expected ; overwhelmed at the amount of
work which they find set before them, they just
select so much as will serve to while away the time
for the six months of " the season," and the rest
they leave to the understrappers, or anybody who
will undertake the job. We have before expressed
our belief, that the government establishment which
society keeps is by no means commensurate with
the work which she requires to be done ; ten times

90 POLITICAL ECONOMY.

the numbers could never get through it, even if
they worked the year round, and had no holidays i^i^
80 that all things considered, a looker-on can bat
marvel that under the existing system, things should
go on so well as they do. It has been the fashicm
to liken the government of a country to a head or
brain, from whence emanates all the wisdom the
said country can lay claim to; we beg leave to
differ in toto, and dissent from the comparisoD»
The governments of the present day rather resemble
the stomachs of the body corporate, and a mosi
ravenous appetite do they exhibit, for it requires
one-fourth at least of the whole revenue of the body
to support or satisfy their eravings, and even thea
they tell you they have not had half enough ; more^
over, if Society did not, like some ruminating ani^
mals, possess several smaller stomachs, the bodymust
inevitably die of dyspepsia, for the main stomach
never thinks of digesting any thing. Devoration is
its employment, with the mouth of the crocodile, and
the capacity of a leviathan ; so that after all is said
and done, the minor stomachs, that is to say, the
courts of jurisprudence, the clergy, and the magis-
tracy, have all the work of digestion to perform ;
and a tough job they often find it, as the ill state of
health in which society constantly is will abun-
dantly testify. Often and often will she consult
'^ the faculty" to discover the cause of her ailment ;
one tells her she is in an atrophy, a second talks

POLITICAL ECONOMY. 91

wisely of consumption, a third declares the com-
plaint to be plethora, and advises depletion ; but
they are all wrong, every man John among them.
All she requires is the return to simple, plain, pri-
mitive food at all times, and in every house ; the
cure of her disorder is in her own power; she
neither wants doctors or physic. Let her go for
change of air for twelve months to the Phalanstery,
and we will answer for a beneficial result. Dys-
pepsia will be a thing unknown except by name ;
the fitlse appetite will cease, and the principal
stomach have less to do : the lesser will then have
time to digest their food, and the food itself will be
infinitely more palatable and easy of mastication ;
and the consequence would be that society would
again recover her good looks, and be the admiration
of, instead of an object of pity and contempt to, all
beholders. Social and Political Economy would
then marryi as it were, under such a system ; now
it is utterly impossible to discover any one subject
on which they unite, and as long as we keep them
apart, shall we find that we are fighting against our
own interest. Nature intended them for each
other; we, like true marplots, have done all we
could to keep them asunder, and to foster enmity
between them; and by so doing have we been
heaping coals of fire upon our own heads.

PART 11.

CHAP. I.

RECREATIONS.

To argue upon such a ticklish subject as this^
without giving offence on the one hand, or encroach-
ing upon the sovereign prerogative of society pn
the other, will, we think, require as steady a hand,
and as acute powers of vision, as he had who steered
Us bark in safety between Scylla and Charybdis,
and even then there are the shoals of platitude, and
the breakers of error right ahead of us. More-
,oyeT the tide of public opinion rushes up this nar-
row way of ours, like the " bore " of the Ganges,
and a most insuperable *^ bore *' is the tidal wave of
public opinion ; to oppose it, is deemed rank heresy,
though we are fully justified in asserting that to
follow it would be most heterodox, and the conclu-
sion at which we should arrive most unsatis£%ctory;
but now we are feirly afloat, it is of no use retreat-
ing, so we must make the best of it, and only caution
our steersman to ^^ steady his helm." " Steady it

94 RECREATIONS.

is," replies he, and on we go therefore. The stream
of recreation on which we launch in life's earliest
day is so exceedingly wide, and the current so
powerful, that long ere we are aware we have ad-
vanced beyond the power of retracing our steps,
without a vast degree of struggling and extra exer^
tion.

Recreation is the main bribe we offer to young
people to invite them to exert themselves in the
career of knowledge; and ^^make haste and gel
your lessons learnt, and then you shall have a half
holiday," is the most welcome language a schod*
boy ever hears imtil the end of the <^ half," whea
the carriage wheels or the engine's whisUe are the
sweetest sounds in all nature to his ear. Now we
take it that in offering such a bribe as this, we are
exactly putting the cart before the horse again ; and
voluntarily acknowledging our entire convictioa
that ^^ play is better than work any day in the year,"
we (the elders) of course have'nt the remotest sus-
picion that the children themselves are at all awart
that such are our sentiments. O no ; how is it pos-
sible they can enter so deeply upon such an abstruse
metaphysical subject as this? besides we all know
that little boys and girls have no right to think at
all about any thing, but that which they are ixAA
they may think about; and we never dream of little
boys and girls doing any thing but what they are
told to do, that would be very wrong and wicked^

J?

RECREATIONS. 95

md all the rest of it Bat for all this the little dears
ire not a whit behind us in the race, and though
iey have the fear of birch rods, canes, extra les-
sons, and other abominations before their eyes, they
idll contrive to give us the go-by somehow or other,

-e; ffld to furnish us with a practical exemplification of
ear own theory, that recreation is the summum

zM kmtm of their ambition. << If you won't let me

^ kve it at home," say they, " Vl\ try and get it at
ielu>ol; and if it's not to be had there, I'll try hard

1 for it at college ; and if they bore me there, I'll
kve it when I go abroad ; or if the foreigners hin-
der me, I'll enjoy myself when I come bad^ again,
—profession, parliamentary business, agriculture
and what not, nevertheless and notwithstanding.
So they do get it, and preciously do their elders
pay for it now and then, and deservedly too, for
they made it a bribe, and every body who has ever
tasted that article, knows full well the sweetness
thereof So much for our commencement; and
the promising bud which we gather from the tree of
our own planting.

Time passes, and those who are not absolutely
eompelled to work for their daily bread, talk about
tihe miseries of their existence, and their total in-
ability to devise methods of killing time ; indeed,
we English are remarkably apt to ask one another
^^ what we shall do next," in order to attain this very
hndable height of our ambition. So one sage in-

f»

96 RECREATIONS.

vents the pleasures of the turf, another the chase, sL
third the bottle, a fourth cricket, a fifth boating, il
sixth the theatre, a seventh concerts, and so on to
an infinite variety of recreations ; some harmlefl%i^
others silly, and many directly perilous both to soutj
and body; but be the danger what it may, ami
ment must be had. We were taught in our child- i
hood that it was our greatest reward, and so weH '
has our lesson been learned, and such very i^
scholars are we, that whatever besides of our dutiei
or our studies are forgotten, this item is ever pre-*
sent to our memories. To be sure, there are magis-
trates' business, state ditto, neighbourly acts of
kindness, and various little minutiae of that sort,
which may serve to interrupt us now and then;
but these are only interludes, so that by dint of
very good management indeed, we can contrive to
bring in the legislative session, assizes, and such
like : and it is wonderful what a " power" of work
we get through by these means in the course of
twelve months. Sink or swim, six out of the twelve
must undeniably be devoted to the " noble science"
of hunting ; that is to say, the morning to the dis-
cussion of breakfast and a cigar ; the induing our-
selves in top or jack-boots, red coats, and leather
o-no-we-never-mention-thems, spurs, a black velvet
jockey-cap, and sundry small items; the middle of
the day in riding to cover, and scuttling acrosa'the
country to the imminent risk of our necks, and' the

RECREATIONS. 97

lives of our best and most valuable horses; the
evening in creeping home cold, wet, starved, and
comfortless; and at night enjoying (?) a jollifica-
tion, quizzing all our best friends gloriously, and
then going to bed to sleep away the time as we
best may, and repeat the scene on the following
liy. All we gain by this is either a fox's tail, a
broken collar-bone, or perhaps being << done" in a
bit of horse-dealing, and finding that we have given
a hnndred guineas for an animal not intrinsically
worth a hundred pence ; and being ready to bite
x)ar nails off with vexation thereat, though we are
obliged to laugh, and try if we ca'nt persuade some-
body to take the bargain off our hands at a profit
to ourselves ; but it is all for the sake of recreation,
80 n*tmparte.

If nothing else serves our turn we seek out two
fellows, who like ourselves want employment sadly,
and by dint of a JC 10. note, some ^^soft sawder"
and hard liquor, we persuade them to stand and
pummel or be pummelled, until one is carried out
of the ring a mass of living jelly, or as frequently
happens, an inanimate corpse; but what matters
that ? it was all ^^ fun," and ^^ fun " we must have,
whether or no, and cost what it may.

Another species of amusement which we have
heard characterized as ^^ very good fun indeed," is
to attend the Courts of Judicature, and listen to the
trials of our fellow-creatures for their lives ; some

VOL. Ill F

98 RECREATIONS.

indeed carry this feeling to such an extent, that they
will tell you it is good fun to go and see a man
hanged, and thousands out of mere curiosity will
travel many a weary mile to witness such fun as
this. And they will resort to the nearest tavern,
and get drunk on the strength of it ; but of these it
is to be hoped, for the honor of old England, that
the number is few, and they not the most influential
class in society.

One of our mottoes we affirm to be ^^ obsta prinr
cipiisy" which means ^^ oppose all beginnings," and
to prove in how high estimation we hold this parti-
cular specimen, we see boys spinning an unfortunate
chafer ; taking every bird's nest they can by dint of
the exercise of the industrial faculty lay their eyes
upon; a squirrel is an object of especial delight^
if they can succeed in stoning the beautiful creature
to death, — though what to do with him when dead
is not so easy to determine. We might fill a folio
catalogue with ^^ Hints to Recreators," which by
the way we hold to be a most erroneous perversion
of terms, or rather of a term ; for so far from being
re-creators, the whole genus are often the most
destructive animals on the face of the globe, for
you will rarely, if ever, catch them " creating "
any thing but mischief; and almost all their actions
end in the destruction of some body or thing, ani-
mate or inanimate. Who was the first person that
ever applied the term rc'creaiians to the amuse-

SECREATIONS. 99

ments and follies of mankind, we are utterly at
a loss to conceive ; for a more misapplied denomi-
nation never yet was entered on the pages of any
vocabulary : but it is not our wish or intention to
devote a folio volume to this particular class of men.
We have slightly hinted at a few of the leading
points in their character, and the vacuum which
remains, though somewhat inordinate, may readily
be filled up by ^' a discerning public"

We may now proceed to argue the question,
how &r early amusements and recreations affect
society in its mature state; and another query
which suggests itself is, whether a vast number of
riders and their horses are not annually lost for
want of care about a horse-shoe nail; as poor
Richard tells us an acquaintance of his was in days
of yore. In a former chapter we had the audacity
to say a few words upon the subject of Nursery
Education, and we caanot help thinking, that upon
a careful scrutiny, we should find, that the major
proportion of these horse-shoe nails would be found
to have been dropped carelessly on the floor of the
nursery, and on the gravel-walks of our childhood's
home, in the parks and other public places. We
are also credibly informed too, (by whom we do not
precisely remember,) that

He (or she) who scorns to pick up a pin
Will often stoop to a much worse thing/'

Horrid bad rhyme this, shocking; but there is some

f2

100 RECREATIONS.

truth in the moral, and it is exceedingly apropos to
the horse-shoe nails ; the more that if they are once
dropped, they are (ninety-nine times in a hundred)
totally impossible to be recovered. And a black-
smith's shop (at least such a smith's as our exi-
gencies require), is not always handy to the
spot where the nail is lost ; so that we are compel-
led to ^^ do as well as we can," — that is to say, to
goon until the shoe is lost ; the horse then goe 8
dead lame, and he is lost ; the rider gets spilt, and
the enemy overtakes him ; and we invert the usual
theatrical order by beginning with the &rce, and
closing with a tragedy, the dear-bought purchase of
our early bribe and misdirection of the recreative
faculty.

Constituted as society now is, this must ever be
the case, it is in the regular serial order, or pro- j|
gression of things and events ; and it is only by a
thorough inversion of that order that we can hope
by degrees to change our existing condition. Now ^
if we attentively consider Nature's method of mana- |
ging these matters, we shall find that she goes to
work in a widely different manner from ours. She
does not say to her children, ^^ there's a lesson or a
certain number of lessons to be learned, make haste
and get them done, and then if you are a good boy,
or girl, (according to sexes and all that sort of thing,)
you shall have a half holiday, and do what you like
with the rest of the day." No, she knows a trick

RECREATIONS. 101

worth two of that) and she begins thus, ** Now, my
dears,'' says she, ^^obsta principiis^ that means,
take care of the nails, and the shoes will take care
of themselves, and save you a deal of trouble here-
after. This is a very easy lesson and soon learnt*
Now for another, — don't be intemperate, for if you
do, you'll have to take physic ; and what between
that and intemperance, you'll be dreadfully sick,
and that is of no use. Always be kind and merciful
to every body and thing about you when you are
young, and you may be certain that when you are
old, mercy will be shewn to you ; but if on the con-
trary you do the reverse, be sure your sin will find
you out even in this world. I won't bribe you to
be good children, but I will make it your interest,
and you may depend upon it that whenever you
break through my rules and laws, which are made
solely with a view to your benefit and welfare, the
end will be punishment, brought on solely by your
own perverse will, and by no other cause whatsoever.
Moreover your example will affect others, and if
they transgress by copying you, not only will they
suffer, but you will be answerable for their sins as
well as your own. My laws,'' she goes on to say,
^^are all founded, without a single exception, on
the Divine law literally understood, and most
strictly fulfilled to that letter. I cannot if I would
alter or abrogate them ; from the beginning of time
have they been framed, and up to this moment they

102 RECREATIONS.

continue unalterable. By eternal wisdom and truth
were they compiled, and any subversion of them
must result in the wages of folly and falsehood. If
you carefully examine these laws and precepts, yon
will perceive they are established on principles of ^
entire union and associative combination, like the
works of a watch, each wheel regulates the motion
of its fellow, and by a systematic revolution, the
whole machine keeps time in the most accurate and
surprising manner.

**Many ill-judging and narrow-minded prejudiced ■
individuals will tell you that in me (Nature) all
things tend to decay. Nothing is more untrue:
every thing and event that occurs is a step progres-
sive to perfection, for all tend to the glory of our
universal Creator, who maketh all things for him-
self, and it would be the height of impiety to allege
that He made any thing to an imperfect end ; the
fall of the leaf is an important event, it tends to the
support and protection of the tree or plant; the
decay of your mortal flesh leads to the perfection
of your immortal soul ; the decay of this world to
the perfection of the next, to the glory and honor
of your Maker. In all you do, or think, or say,
therefore, keep the end in view. In your recrea-
tions remember that end; try them by this test,
and if they endure, well ; if noQ be sure there is
something wrong. The pleasures I offer you are
intense and lasting ; they will purify your hearts.

RECREATIONS. 103

and while engaged in them you will find your stu-
dies proceeding, for in the search for them you must
drink deep of the well of divine knowledge ; and as
you drink, so will your appetite increase, until you
anive at that point of knowledge which, through
the merits of your Redeemer, will disclose to you
the glory and unutterable bliss of the spirits of the
just made perfect"

It would be an almost endless task to attempt
to point out the various methods of providing
amusement and relaxation for the mind in such
a manner as that they shall prove efiective for the
end in view, and at the same time profitable. But,
far example, we will allude to one or two modes of
leading children to substitute rational for useless or
injurious recreations. Suppose we began with an
in&nt just able to carry a basket, to walk with help,
but unable as yet to express its feelings and ideas
in the ordinary language of man. We would, by
way of amusement, put some trifling present in this
basket, and the child should convey it to some poor
or aged person ; the gift would be thankfully re-
ceived, and the blessing of the receiver would rest
upon the donor. The child, though unable to re-
flect, would instinctively perceive that it had done
something which not only gave pleasure to a fellow-
creature, but also created pleasurable sensations in
its own mind ; so that in all probability, if you were
to take your child out on the following day, for its

104 RECREATIONS.

usual exercise, it would naturally hold out the bas-
ket, if within reach, for a fresh supply of presen
pleased with the success of the previous day,
the reception it had met with, other recreatio
would be for the time forgotten. Now nine mothe
or nurses out of ten would, in such a case as thisij^
say, ^^ O no, not again to-day, dear; you took ol
nurse so-and-so a present yesterday, and we must*
be too generous, that would never do." Now here
the mother and the nurse would, in our humble
judgment, be most decidedly in the wrong, and the \
child as essentially in the right You (the nurse |^
or the mother) have taught the child the ^^ luxury
of doing good," and the food being natural and
wholesome, you, if you act upon the rule of doing
to others as you would wish to be done by, are ^.^
bound, by every law of nature and of justice, to >^
keep up the supply of that luxury. ^

We will now consider the probable and natural j
consequence of your declining to indulge a most
praiseworthy sentiment, which the child has through
your means imbibed ; if you refuse its application,
it becomes dissatisfied ; it cannot reflect upon your
reasons, and well for you that it cannot, for they
would not bear scrutiny ; and you very probably
offer it a flower, or some trifle which it cares nothing
about. The child refuses it, you get angry, and
either shake, slap, or scold the little animal; it
cries, or flies in a passion, or sulks ; you punish it.

1^
ft-.

RECREATIONS. 105

and the ultimatum is, that you have, unless you
hasten to repair your fault, from that day forward
spoiled your child's temper, and laid the foundation
for more mischief than your life will suflSce to repair.
The course you might have adopted with the chance
of benefit would have been this, to have filled the
child's basket and taken it to another object of com-
passion ; and in so doing, you would have laid the
basis of a source of happiness to the child in after
life, and given it a taste for pure and simple plea-
sures, mental instead of physical, which would never
under ordinary circumstances be obliterated. Now
if you think that, by at some future time asking the
child for its basket, to be filled for the same pur-
pose, and so to regain the ground you have lost,
ten to one but you find yourself woefully mistaken ;
for the odds are that being thwarted when its inten-
tions were good, it will afterwards care nothing
about the matter, and so far from feeling pleasure in
the deed, it will act with reluctance, and you will
be disappointed. But it was your own fault, you
did violence to Nature in the first instance, and this
she will not permit you to do with impunity. Thus
you lost the nail^ then the shoe^ and nowjind that you
are in a fair way of losing your horse, and being
overtaken by the enemy yourself.

But some will say " this is trifling, if we are to
watch such foolish little minutiae as these, we
should have no time for anything else." Pardon

F 3

106 RECREATIONS*

118, we think that had you acted in the case sap-
posed, as we suggest, you would not only have
saved and thus gained time, but you would have
spared yourselves an infinity of trouble, pain and
mortification. But there is a natural feeling among
all grown-up persons, with very few isolated excep-
tions, to thwart, oppose, and exercise authority
over those to whom they can do so, as they think,
with impunity. This you may tell us is an inherent
principle of corruption in our frail human nature.
We do not believe it : there is no such principle
recognizable or innate in us ; tV is the result almost
always of the system which was adopted xmth regard
to ourselves in our earliest age^ and to that syste m
and not to any innate or inherent disposition, are
we indebted for the major part of those multifarious
lesser evils, which so poison our existence here.

Again we are told that we preach the doctrine of
unlimited indulgence. We do no such thing, we
would not ^^ spare the rod, and spoil the child ;" on
the contrary, we would severely punish any dire-
liction from the Divine command, or injury done
the neighbour ; and we are of opinion that if we con-
fined ourselves exclusively to such occasions as these,
punishment of infants would rarely be resorted to ;
nine-tenths of the punishment we inflict on children
are the result of our own passion, self-willed obsti
nacy, and blind perversity of temper ; and we richly
deserve ten times the pain we inflict upon them,

RECREATIONS. 107

for our cruel and unwarrantable folly. But the
retribution is certain to recoil upon our own headSf
and we endure a deserved and just judgment, when
our children grow up as perverse as ourselves, and
thwart us, and our schemes, giving us neither com-
fort or happiness in our declining years. Force,
threats, and punishment are the motives we offer
for good conduct, from the cradle to years of matu-
rity; whether at school, college, or in appren-
ticeship ; and as we sow, thus do we reap ; all
around us do we see a society of tastes the most de-
praved, ideas utterly erroneous, principles false and
heterodox to the last degree ; and we endeavour to
shift the burden of our stupidity upon the total de-
pravity and corruption of human nature. This
saves the trouble of thought, and, what is more, of
action ; therefore it is convenient, so we progress,
blundering at every step, and increasing, instead
of endeavouring to remove the mountainous mass
of corruption which we (not Nature) have heaped
up unto ourselves, complaining all the while of the
foulness thereof, and of the moral pestilence which
it creates ; but never moving one step either to cure
the disease, or obliterate the cause. The result
therefore must be the same in every case, and if we
do not take pains to provide solid and rational re-
creation and amusement for our children, our men
and W0men will take care to provide hurtful and
irrational amusement for themselves.

CHAR 11.

TAXES AND TAXATION.

Although we touched indirectly upon these
topics in a former part of this volume, they are of
so much importance, and form so prominent a
feature in the social management of our affairs, that
it may not be amiss to devote a short chapter to the
consideration of our ^^ ways and means" of providing
for the exigencies of the national establishment, and
the due remuneration of our domestics, stewards,
agents, &c. &c. Seating ourselves quietly down in a
particularly easy chair, we begin to reflect upon
our requirements first ; the necessity of adopting
some method of gratifying them in the second
place; and thirdly, how this may be done with
the least trouble to ourselves, and without pinching
the taxee too hard, and thereby occasioning an out-
cry, which outcry would create inquiry, inquiry
would make a disturbance, and disturbance in its
turn would kick up a dust, which we wot would not
be readily allayed by tea-leaves and the housemaid's
broom. But to be serious, — ^very^

Having duly and gravely deliberated upon the
why and the wherefore, we arrive at the decision,
that taxes are the very best possible means of alle«

TAXES AND TAXATION. 109

viating exigencies} and the reason we assign for
this is not to be disputed, ^' because" our forefathers
did so before us, and their ancestors before them,
and so on back to the days of who ? — we con-
fess our ignorance on this head, and crave the bene-
volence of some charitably-disposed and learned
person to enlighten us. The question next arises
as to how and on what articles the taxes are to be
laid, and we ask our neighbour what he thinks
about the matter. ^' Oh !" says he, carelessly, and
not once dreaming what an effect one little word
may produce, *^ I'm for taxing the people like
bricks;^* an expression which in the nineteenth
century we beg leave to explain for the benefit of
the ladies, means doing any. thing with all one's
might ; though why bricks should be selected and
not tiles, or beans, or drum-sticks, we are at a total
loss to state. ^< But however, ^ bricks ?' echoes the
decider of taxes ; hah I what a good idea ! we'll
begin with them, and tax the bricks — capital !
People must have thenij and what they must have
that will we from this time forth take care that they
shall pay for." So his friend gives him another poke
in the ribs, and asks, sotto voccj ^^ What do you
think of liffht? tax the windows, I say, tax the
windows." Humph ! says the decider, that's
coming it rather too strong, isn't it, eh ? Heaven
gave us light, and you might as well tax the
moon and all the stars, comets and all, as tax the

110 TAXES AND TAXATION.

sun; you'll be for taxing the water next** ** Oh,
no, not quite so bad as that," replies the suggester ;
" but I'll tell you what we will do, we'll tax the
unne, and the beer, or rather the malt, and the hops,
for it wouldn't do exactly to say any thing about
taxing beer; it would be too like taxing water,
don't you see ?"

In this way they go on, taxing the gifts of Heaven,
until almost every individual thing one sees, hears,
tastes, smells, or exercises any sense upon is taxed;
and altogether the decider and the suggester scrape
together a pretty tolerable sum for exigencies; for
in the course of a year they collect fifty-two mil- j
lions of pounds sterling one way or another. Thaf s i
not enough though, say they ; we must try some- i
thing else. " O, the Income Tax ! what are you
thinking about to forget that ?" asks the suggester.
Very true, what indeed ? — on with it ; so the yoke
is put on, and the taxee twists and writhes, and does i
all he can to get rid of it; but it is of no earthly \
use — it sticks to him like pitch, and being a par- ^
ticularly " drawing" blister, it inconveniences him
sadly : " but," say the two worthies, who by dint
of setting their heads together, have struck out this
very fieu^tious mode of amusement, ^^ your feelings ^
are nothing to us, — its all for your good." " Can't
exactly see how," says the taxee. <^ I didn't feel
very well, it is true, but I've been a deal worse ever
since you stuck this confounded great blister upon

TAXES AND TAXATION. Ill

me ; it seems to be taking all my strength away at
once. And then those hateful doctor commissioners
of yonrs, they keep poking and prying into the
blister, and asking all manner of questions, until
some of us have gone fairly mad with the torment;
and others, what with this sort of torture and the
pain of the blister, have actually committed suicide
rather than endure the sufferings of the inquisition
which you have established." *^That can't be
helped," reply the taxors ; " if people will be so
foolish as to cry out when they are hurt, thaf s their
business, not ours." So the blister is continued,
and in time, like the eels to skinning, the patient gets
used to it ; though it cramps his energies sadly, and
he begins to evince symptoms of premature decay.
In our last chapter we stated the value of your
British and Irish property alone to be 3628 mil-
lions, and your revenue being 52 millions, it fol-
lows that you require somewhere about 1} per cent
interest upon your capital to pay the current ex-
pences of the government To this there can be
no possible objection in reason; the only thing
which creates a stumbling-block is the method of
exiractinff the interest We assert that there are
various ways of doing this most effectually, without
resorting to the atrocious and cruel method of
blistering which you have so unjustifiably adopted,
merely to save yourselves the trouble of thought
aod action ; and as you have chosen thus wantonly

112 TAXES AND TAXATION.

to inflict an undeserved and uncalled-for punish-
ment on your patients, you must be content to bear
the remarks they make upon the subject There-
fore we contend, that in the natural and impercep-
tible mode of sudorification^ in lieu of the blisters,
you would have effected your end much more pro-
fitably to yourselves, and have strengthened the
health of your patients, instead of lowering the
system as you have done; and herein you have
forgotten your duty towards your neighbour. There
are hundreds of items to which you might apply
the sudorific process, and extract a much greater
amount of taxes therefrom, than you now do by the
very questionable method you adopt.

Mistake us not here, we are not a Radical ; we
are not a Conservative even ; we aim to be a Tory
of the most decided caste ; and as the race is now
nearly extinct, we mournfully trace your degenerate
proceedings, and would warn you as though we
were not " the last of the Barons," but the " last of
the Tories." Bear with us therefore, as we fear you
have driven us from that good land we once called
our own, never again to return. Aux nos moutons j
however, — pounds, shillings, and pence, rule the j
day with us now, and what we have to do is to ex- |
plain our meaning as regards the sudorific process
aforesaid.

By way of illustration, therefore, we will state that
by indirect taxation alone we might realize double

TAXES AND TAXATION. 113

the amount of our present revenue if — we chose, —
or if it were required. We would abolish the
window-tax, as an unnatural and most unjustifiable
extortion ; well enough for the dark ages, but inad-
missible in ours ; the Income Tax should be hurled
into the waters of oblivion, never again to be heard
of by that name ; and we are quite certain that by
using the gentle process of sudorification (but no
blisters) to the 216 millions of our revenue, not
one of us would ever feel the worse for it, but
our constitution would improve. We view the In-
come Tax as a most unjust measure. We are not
at war, in the first place; and secondly, the ex-
traction of sevenpence in the pound from an income
of £150 per annum is unjust, inasmuch as the
possessor of an income of £10,500 oiLght to be taxed
seventy-times sevenpence, which he is not Had
some sudi regulation as this been insisted upon, we
deem that the Income Tax or the debates thereupon
would have been dropped like a potato fresh from
the boiling utensil, and inconveniently warm : but
this, we repeat, neighbourly duty, demanded at
our hands as an act not of consideration merely,
but of pure abstract justice, and no thanks due to
us either. It is no excuse to say that our former
agents, stewards, or whatever you call them, got
the estate in a mess, and there was a deficit in the
revenue. We know it, and we look to you to set
matters to rights, but without meddling with or op-

114 TAXES AND TAXATION.

pressing the tenants ; they have quite enough to
bear already, and your business is to make good
the deficit out of the capabilities of the estate ; and
we promise to be very economical, and all that sort
of thing, imtil things come round, in order to aid
you in your laudable occupation. But mind, we
won't have any mystification, or any legislative
crookedness ; no smuggling of opium, or winking
at the gin-palaces, and Maynooth: such ways
never prospered yet, and we are determined rigidly
to set our faces against such practices ; they are
morally and intrinsically evil, and can only tend to
produce eviL The tree is corrupt, the fruit we know
to be poison, and therefore down with it at once;
because even if we individually escape, there may
exist weak persons who may be foolish enough to
taste of it and be poisoned.

Dr. M^CuUoch declares, that the average an-
nual agricultural produce in England and Wales,
amounts in value to £279,137,820, so that from his 1
statement we might infer, that the land alone would i
bear the burden of the whole taxation, and leave
us 227 millions, 137 thousand, eight hundred and
twenty pounds for pocket-money, to do what we
liked with afterwards ; and so we think it would,
provided we tilled the land as we ought to, and gave
the tillers proper encouragement, and a fair day's
pay, or rather more — for we can well afford it — ^for
a fair day's work ; but as upon our present system

•

it

TAXES AND TAXATION. 115

we don't do any sach thing, why we have no alter-
native, but that of making the manufacturing re-
sources of our country perspire a little, in their turn;
and this it is just as easy to do, insensibly, as it
were, as with the agriculturist and the land.

Again, we might make an exchange or two with
our neighbours which would benefit both parties ;
for instance, there are the Western Islands — we
don't mean the Hebrides, but the Azores ; of what
earthly, or rocky rather, use are they to Portugal ?
She owes us a pretty good lump of money, and she
may do so for everlasting ; but unless times mend
witii her, she can never pay us. Now, we don't
wish to be too hard upon her, but could not we
give her something in exchange which would be
just as useless to her as the Azores, but not more
so, and tell her they would suit us very well, and
that for the << consideration" we would cancel her
lebt to us? There is no doubt that we could
Biake a very beneficial use of those little spots in
die ocean. Any thing will grow there — the climate
is exquisite, either for invalids or others ; they are
mly a three or four days' run from us, and as we
are fond of fruit, it is to be bad there in perfection.

The Portuguese know no more how to avail
themselves of the capabilities of the island than so
many monkeys ; but a few sturdy emigrants of ours,
would teach them the value of such little dots of
eartii, and a revenue derivable from them by the

116 TAXES AND TAXATION.

perspiring system, would make a very weighty
addition to our finances. Again, they are on the
high road to every part of the globe, except the
North Pole and Russia, and a few of those shiver-
ing localities which no Englishman ought never to '
be able to think of without ordering a fire to be
lighted immediately.

To go a little further, China is cur's now, if we
choose to take it, at least so says one Goodluck;
and any thing asserted by a member of that fiunily
is worthy of a thought at any rate ; but if we doiit ■,
take it, then France or America will have a try
at it, or perhaps go to loggerheads about it, until
Russia steps down, and knocks both their heads to-
gether for a couple of fools ; and leaving them sense-
less, takes possession of the bone of contention her-
self; in which case we should be bound in honour
to pick up our sister, la belle France, and our eldest
daughter America, and take Russia by the heels,
sending her at one cast back to the icy regions,
asking her what she was dreaming about to come
down meddling with the tropics. To avoid this,
therefore, we had better keep the game to ourselves
while it is in our power, and applying the sudorific
process, do China good and ourselves likewise.

We cannot here enumerate the various methods
by which this wholesome relief to the system might
be applied, for in doing that we should let divers
cats out of the bag, which should be caught by the

TAXES AND TAXATION. 117

GoTemment alone, and are only intended for the
use of our Stewards; but some time or other we
propose (life being spared) to draw up a brief
epitome of ways and means, which might be sub-
stituted for our present very questionable resources,
considering, as we do, that even the homoeopathic
system would be better than the severe remedies
we now adopt, and which, after all said and done,
are, as Pat would say, no remedies at all, but
aggravations of our malady.

CHAP. HI.

EMIGRATION.

1*"-^

1

This is one of the principal panaceas prescril
by political quacks for the relief of the plethi
sufferings of society; they adhere strictly to
old and well-tried practice of their medical broth<
ivho tell them that whatever is the matter, the^::
must bleed, blister, and deplete; but for all thiagJ^
they still find, that once entered upon, the systeiOl^
will become absolutely essential to keep the body^ k
not in a good state of health it is true, but simply ths iR
existence ; the consequence is, that numbers annu- *
ally walk off the stage of life or of society, and .
constant practice is afforded both to the political '
and medical &culty ; moreover, as we are told, that <
^^ practice makes perfect," we have, imless we
chance to be very sceptical indeed, some distant j
hope at least of reaching the acme of perfection, — ^
for we are unceasingly ^^ practising;" of this there ^
can be no doubt, and as an undeniable corollary, if i
practice leads to perfection, we cannot fail to reap
the due reward of our exertions. The political
quack gravely pinches his chin between his thumb
and fore-finger, and looking over his spectacles,
assures you that ^^ emigration upon a systematic

EMIGRATION. 119

of colonizatioD," is the only remedy for national
stress.

We look at our friend, and say to ourselves,
'You ought to know something about the matter,
)r you have been a man of business nearly all
l^oar life ; and, besides that, as far as externals go,
)a look like a very superior person ; your age and
dtion entitle you to experience ; your figure and
luntenance are both intellectual and commanding;
re is, moreover, a certain something about you,
i^hether it be voice, or your rank, or your style of
iversation, which at once insures respect and
^ntion; still, how on earth you can, with any
Idaim to common sense, advocate the bleeding and
[depleting system staggers us entirely;" and we
begin to wonder whether you are not either acting
a part, or if you have not that day made your escape
from Hanwell. To attempt to argue you out of
such a belief as that by which you are now pos-
sessed, would be almost absurd, nevertheless, we
will, in reply to your very sage observation, state
one or two facts, which may possibly shake if it
does not upset your theory.

In the year ending January, 1842, you sent
out to your colonies as emigrants 118,592 indi-
viduals ; you transported for different crimes 3,800 ;
80 were hung, making a total of one hundred and
twenty-two thousand, four hundred and seventy-
two, <Mone away with," in a decidedly effectual

120 EMIGRATION.

manner. So much for your bleeding system forj
one year; now for the blistering, — ^in your jailgj
you shut up 16,400, and during the previous year,
ending Lady-day, March, 1841, you levied for
poor-rates 6,351,828 pounds sterling; — a tolerable
large blister this, when your revenue is taken into
consideration. One would imagine that such a
course of depletion would have sufficed you for ten
years at least, but never was there a greater mistake
made according to the generally-received opinion;
for now in 1843 you are again complaining of a
<^ full habit," and talking about ^^ colonization upon
an extensive and enlarged scale," and no doubt but
that you would for the moment feel relief from the
operation ; but try it, say we, and if you do not
produce dropsy, or a general sinking of the con-
stitution by the process, we are willing to relinquish
all claim to medical knowledge or common sense,
— ^both qualifications as valuable to us as your
blood is to you, if you would but believe it. Now
you possess in the United Elingdom no less than
15 millions of acres of land uncultivated^ and, as a
corps de reserve^ you have 15 millions 871 thousand
four hundred and sixty-three, which you are pleased
to term unprofitable; and therefore, because you
cannot do exactly as you would wish with these
thirty millions of acres of land, you start thousands
after thousands of labourers, mechanics, (your life's
blood be it remembered,) out of the country; put

EMIGRATION. 121

yourself to an enormous expense in carrying them
out, leaving behind a vast mass of ^^ serum" or
watery fluid, which, as we have just said, will most
assuredly produce dropsy, unless you are more
careful. Now suppose a bright thought were to
glance across your mind, and you were to take it
into your head to erect a Phalanstery, or a colony,
if you so please, upon some portion of these uncul-
tivated tracts; and as the land you say is good for
nothing, set your colonists to work at manufacture
of some kind ; at any rate the land must be good
enough to build or walk upon, or make roads of, —
diatyou will admit; "but," you say, "what's the
use of manufacturing when there is already a glut
in the market?" Very true, but is there nothing
you can think of which is not in the market? for
mstance, a steam saw-mill or two, — a few planing
mills, — one or two foundries for the manufacture of
cast-iron buildings, — which, if you did not choose
to live in, might serve for stables, emigrants'
houses, store-houses, and what not; and do not you
think, that if one such establishment were set on
fbbt, the ground in the immediate vicinity would
become doubly and trebly valuable at once? In
the natural course of events it must do so, but in
the order in which you now progress, every year
detracts from its value. Upon the first experiment
being tried, a second would be certain to be made
by somebody or other ; for here again you would

VOL. III. G

122 EMIGRATION.

resemble the flock of sheep at the gap, nobody ever
saw an old bell-wether take the leap but what a score
or two at least rushed at it after him ; therefore, all
you would have to do would be to manufacture, in
your first establishment, such articles as would be
required for the progress of the second, we will
be bound for it you would have customers enow,
and the only difficulty would be to make the supply
keep pace with the demand ; you would create the
latter, it would for some time require all your
energies to furnish the former, and so &r from sufr
fering from plethora, you would get thiuj and a vast
sight healthier into the bargain, from the effect of
labour and occupation; and you would begin to
wish you had not adopted the bleeding system quite
so rashly.

The necessity for such immense blisters as the
poor-rates, income-taxes, and so forth, would cease;
other smaller bodies would exclaim, — "Well, if
this simple system answers so admirably with that
huge fellow (the State), I don't see why it shonld'nt
suit me;" and as with Priessnitz and the cold-water
system, your political doctors and chemical free-
traders, and general dealers in corn-laws and
chartism, would begin to look about them, and
think it was high time to betake themselves to
something better, or at least more fashionable, than
bleeding, blistering, or a too free use of drastics : —
after all you would discover, that what you mistook

EMIGRATION. 123

for plethora^ was nothing in the world but a fit of

indigestion and dyspepsia, brought on by eating

too rapidly, and mixing all kinds of food without

the slightest regard to decency, wholesomeness, or

any other material consideration.

One thing is quite clear as regards emigration,
and that is, you are acting upon the principle —
^' A man may as well be hang'd as shot ;" and you
appear to consider one of these agreeable alternatives
indispensable, for you think that you may as well
be bled to death as stuffed to death. Now we think
that as either result is equally disagreeable, it would
be advisable if possible to avoid both ; we say that
it is an undeniable fact, if you send out your best
labourers and mechanics, you are inflicting an in
jury upon your own country; if you send away
those that are good for nothing, you are equally in-
juring your colonies; so that you in fact seat your-
self down deliberately in the centre of two stools or
benches, by a natural order of gravitation, the
benches or stools tip up in the air, and you fall flat
on your back to the ground, — ^a scene we have had
ocular demonstration of, and can conscientiously
declare the position to be remarkably unpleasant.
We therefore advise you in future to take your
seat in the centre of one of the benches, and avoid
any of the extremes, until the middle being full,
there is no danger of sitting at the ends.

Emigration may be all very well in its proper

G 2

124 EMIGRATION.

place, and at the right time; but to assert that your
eastern and western colonies are the proper place,
when you have more than thirty millions of uncul-
tivated acres at home, is contrary to every rule of
Cocker, Joseph Hume, Esq., M.P., M^CuUoch,
or any other statistical sage ; and worse than that,
it is contrary to nature, and that species of sense
vulgarly termed common ; you might as rationally
place a regular-built medical blister on the ^^ western
end" of a patient, and tell him it was to cure the
tooth-ache. Tell us not that you want capital to
begin with ; as the sailors say, ^^ you may go to the
marines with such information as that;" for even
now you don't know what to do with your capital ;
therefore you amuse yourselves with aerial loco-
motion, dabbling in the funds until you have made
the stream so muddy that there is no possibility of
seeing the bottom of it; going to war about straws,
when every body besides yourself wants to be quiet
and peaceable ; and committing a few other incon-
gruous pranks, which make surrounding nations
stare and ask, if you have taken leave of your
senses altogether, or are only "royally fresh."
Depend upon it, a forced system of colonization is
worse than no emigration at all, neither is there
any thing like a demand at the present time for
the wholesale supply you wish to force into the
market; if any thing the colonies are rather over-
done with it even now, and it will be time enough

EMIGRATION. 125

for you to send out your people when they are
asked for. It is almost invariably found, that the
advocates for extensive emigration are men who
have large properties of their own at home ; but
these are ndt the proper class of society to be con-
sulted exclusively upon the subject; it may suit
their interest, but it does not apply to the exigen-
cies of the mass : they abhor, or profess to do, what
they call centralization or concentration ; they have
enough, and they think it very unreasonable if
folks who have not only not enough, but who have
nothing at all, are not satisfied ; their decision natu-
rally is, therefore, that scatteration of any class but
their own should take place ; we say naturally ^ as
relative to the corruption of nature in the present
state of society, and in contradistinction to the
regular order of nature, which decrees that there
shall never be more mouths than there is food to
fill them. But these gentry are wrong; we would
neither encroach upon their properties or their
privileges, their purses or their pockets, but we
would claim a little of their time, influence, and
talent, which, as they are supported by the mass,
we do not think is too much to ask.

We are advocates for home colonization, as long
as space admits of the system ; when that space is
filled up, an overflow will in the course of nature
ensue, then emigration follows as a necessary con-
sequence ; and we consider that it ought always to

126 EJflO&ATIOll.

be aptiamdf not forced; vobmiury^ not eompubcry;
when that time arrives, we shall find the wayS) k
means, and appliances thereto, present themsehes r:
at the same moment with the overflow. This is
Nature's rule, and all her rules are onerring; if we
act contrary to them she will punish us, or rather
make us punish ourselves, — ^a method rather the
more humiliating of the two; and worse than all)
she will not help us one jot out of the scrapes we
get into, until we return to her laws and r^ola-
tions: at present, we are quite in the dark as
regards emigration, at the best it is an uncertain
step ; some, it is true, have done well by the move,
but where one has prospered, thousands have made
sad work of it We have no opening as yet for the
mass, and we should do wisely to wait until the
morning breaks, and the day-light illumines our
path; the blunders we made at the Swan River
in Western, and Adelaide in South Australia,
ought to teach us to pick our way a little more
carefully, if we will be so foolish as to go out in the
dark, or follow an Aurora Australis, and choose to
£Euicy it the sun rising.

There is a want of system, and a total absence
of organization, as regards our emigrating ideas,
which in these enlightened ages is perfectly as-
tounding. We appear to think, that all that is
requisite is to collect a number of men, women,
and children together, give them a few tools, such

EMIGRATION. 127

as spades, hammers, hoes, carpenter's tools, &c.,
and a month's provision of mouldy biscuit and
jerked beef; then transport them some thousands
of miles away, set them down in the middle of
a forest or a desert, and tell them to take care of
themselves; and our advice for the future is, let us
know as soon as you begin to flourish, and we will
lop off a few of your extra branches, or, in other
words, we will make you help us as soon as ever
you can help yourselves.

Now we think this a most unjust and unwarrant-
able mode of action for any government or mother-
country to adopt ; we consider that if it or she (the
mother) chooses to send her children away, she is
bound to make ample provision for them until they
are quite able to get along without her aid, and this
is the way we would make her do it, if we had the
management of her affairs. If she told us she was
growing plethoric, (a feet we will never believe as
yet,) we would say, if you must be bled, it shall be
done systematically, and you shall feel the conse-
quences of it in such a manner as shall make you
not over-fond of the practice. But however, if you
insist upon it, we must obey. Therefore we will
take one of your^largest and best vessels, none of
your transport ships for us, and therein we will
place 500 or more, as you please, of your emigrants ;
but previous to doing this, you will have the good-
ness to send on beforehand, and provide proper

128 . EMIGRATION.

accommodation for all and every one of them, mudi
better than you give them here, or positively they shaB
notgoj and you shan't be bled.

Now in this cargo of human life which you have
decided upon throwing out of your country, we
must have a regular chaplain, a physician, a sur-
geon, a governor, a secretary, and all subordinate
officers; and on their arrival at the colony, we
expect that you will have provided a church, and
adequate residences for every family properly fur-
nished ; and sufficient incomes for their support, be-
sides provisions of the very best possible description,
both of food and clothing, for two years at the very
least. The whole community shall be pledged by
oath to keep together, and assist each other mutually
until the '^ place becomes too strait for them." Now
when you feel yourself in a condition to go to work
in this way, we will admit your complaint of ple-
thora, and acknowledge that you are beginning to
have some notion of what emigration really ought
to be ; at present your ideas are exceedingly crude
and incorrect, you set about the business in an idle
listless mood, and though you rack your brains on
the subject, it is solely for the purpose of trjring to
discover how you may encourage emigration, with
the least possible degree of trouble or bother to
yourself, and at the smallest possible charge ; never
once taking into account, the troubles and hardships
of your children. This is a most infatuated, irreli-

EMIGRATION. 129

gious, and unchristian mode of procedure, unwor-
thy of the British character, and richly deserving
both of censure and punishment; and we affirm
that, in a Christian point of view, though we allow
you have the power j you have no right to send one
of your children out of the country unless you can
provide immediately^ better for that child^ in the
place to which you send him or her, than you can
at home ; for if you do not this, you do not act
towards that person as you would wish him to act
towards yourself. If your actions will not stand this
test, they are morally^ politically^ and virtually
wronff, and this being the case, are as sure to cause
punishment or trouble to ensue, as winter is to fol-
low summer.

It is useless to shirk the scrutiny; Nature is
against you, as a mother-country, and though your
condition be high, your station in the rank of em-
pires the most lofty, this avails you naught ; the
Creator of all nature, made the same law for em-
perors and emigrants, and the higher your elevated
seat, the greater will be your suiFerings if you fall,
and fall you most assuredly will if you deviate from
or knowingly attempt to evade that law. You say
we require too much ; now we ask, do you mean
to say you are too poor to provide for your emi-
grants? What is the value of your estates in
Grreat Britain and Ireland alone? why, only
3,628^000,000., three thousand, six hundred and

o3

IdO EMIGRATION.

twenty-eight millions of pounds sterling ! What a
paltry little estate this I ! and then you have twen-
ty-seven millions of people to provide for out of it,
without taking into consideration your little bits of
property in America, India, the West Indies, the
Mediterranean, and two or three other places!
What a poor poverty-struck mother-country you
are to be sure ! really, all nations ought to pity you,
and subscribe a trifle to keep you from begging, or
the parish ! And yet in the midst of this dreadful
beggary, bankruptcy, and all sorts of awful catas-
trophes, you lift up your head and exclaim, ^< the
sun never sets on my empire !*' There are lati-
tudes where if a stranger to the laws of nature and
astronomy were to be suddenly conveyed, he
would be tempted to say with you that the sun
never sets to him ; but let the half of his allotted
year pass by, and he would then find himself in a
land where it would seem as if the sun never rose,
and was gone down for ever. Other countries,
Nebuchadnezzar-like, have boasted thus, sOid what
they proudly reckoned upon as an endless day of
glorious sun-shine, has changed into the cold night
of everlasting darkness and oblivion; their very
names are blotted out of the book of tradition, and
their ruins remain a gigantic monument to point at
human pride, and warn us from their fate.

Let us, therefore, while we are blessed with the
light of the Christian day, rejoice in that light,

EMIGRATION. 131

with humility and thankfulness ; let us invite others,
and not only mvitej but do all we can to incite them
to partake of our blessedness ; or the pillar of fire,
which has so long and so mercifully gone before us,
to be a light by night, and a guide and protection
by day, will, if we appreciate it not, or disobey its
direction, remove behind us, and cover us with a
thick darkness comparable only to that which over-
whelmed the proud Egyptian king and all his hosts,
when they presumed to oppress the people of God.
The sun may never set upon us now, but if we
abuse the light which is vouchsafed to us, and stu-
pidly endeavour to seek good by counteracting the
laws of Nature, and the decrees of our Creator, we
may rest assured that light will be withdrawn. We
have no appeal from these decrees ; true, we may
neglect them, but if we do, the consequences will
rest upon our own heads; they were framed for our
sole benefit, and a dereliction from them must ine-
vitably be injurious to none but ourselves. Our
duty to emigrants is our duty to our neighbour,
and that is to act towards him as the laws of God
prescribe, and as we should wish to be done by.
We know no other rule and acknowledge no other
guide, because we are convinced that any contrary
|>recept must tend to injury and not to good.

CHAP. IV.

WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

It appears, upon the authority of that eminent
calculator M^Culloch, whose works, by the way,
we are ashamed to confess we have never yet seen,
but to whom we, in common with our countrymen,
beg to acknowledge ourselves under great obligation
for the unwearied assiduity with which he has
laboured to lessen our toil, that the poor, waste,
and totally unproductive land in Great Britain and
Ireland forms one-fifth part of the whole ; including
mountains, lakes, roads, &c. This at a first glance
appears a large proportion, but the calculator is too
well versed in his subject, and much too clear-
headed to be very wide of the mark ; and few who
have travelled much in the mountains or moorland
districts, would for a moment dispute the statement ;
we are therefore well content to rest our observa-
tions upon this basis, and acting upon our universal
theory that the Almighty never created any thing
in vain, or intended that it should be unproductive,
either of material or interest, we will proceed to
examine this fifth part of our possessions, and try
if we cannot find something in or about them
which may be brought to light, and rendered tangi-

WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVB LANDS. 138

bly serviceable to the State or the community at
lai^e.

Commence we with poor land. This is £Eivor-
able at any rate, for it is evident that all it requires
is enriching, in order to render it productive ; and
if it can iairly be proved that we have a sur-
plus population, and that they are actually starving
for want of employment, while some of us are despe-
rately unhappy because we have so much money
that we do not know how to employ it, why it seems
but a natural result that we should mingle the three
ingredients of the starving labourer, the rich capi-
talist, and the poor land together, and thereby pro-
duce a very wholesome source of nourishment to the
State. The land cries out for labour and capital, the
pauper for work and wages, the owner of money
for both, and here we have them all ready-made to
our hands ; but that it appears is not what John Bull
and his sons want, the fact is too obvious and bare-
faced to suit them. There is no mystification about
the matter, and John Bull and his sons love to make
mountains out of molehills ; therefore, sooner than
commit such a rational act, they will swear at the
times, declare the land is good for nothing, and tell
the labourers to go to the workhouse, meanwhile
they themselves go to the public-house and discuss
politics. This is warm work, so they drink to
quench thirst, thereby they get tipsy, and, getting
up the next morning with a terrible headache, they

184 WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

wish the government in a very hot place, and iiH
sist upon it that, in spite of their money-bags^
estates, and what not, ruin stares them and every
body else in the face ; and that go to destruction
they must without faiL This assertion made, they
breakiast upon soda-water, with the least idea of
brandy in it, and a rasher of £Eit bacon well frizzled;
mount their hunters, and ride for their lives after 8
fox's tail, evincing their determination to go to
destruction their own way at all events.

Now we have dismissed them, we will in their
absence take a look at the poor land, and viewing it
we say it does look a little forlorn certainly ; stilly
for all that, we never will believe that tiiere is not
something good in it The poets have said there
are sermons in stones, and books in the running
brooks; sermons, we know are very useful things,
when there is no Puseyism in them — ^books are de«
cidedly valuable articles, as our friends Messrs.
Hatchard, Murray, and some few others can tes^
tify ; therefore it follows, that as in this poor land
we find lots of stones, and some brooks, we cannot
fail, if we keep our eyes open and look well about
us, to pick up a sermon or two, and perhaps an
incipient library. There is no fear of our running
our heads against Puseyism here, for we are search-
iag in Nature's field, and the plant never was
found there yet; it is a poisonous exotic, trans-
planted from the Papal States, and first brought to

r

WASTE OB UKPBODUCTIYE LANDS. 135

ht by some ass or other, who straying idly by
» hedge-row, shook the fieurina of the nettle upon
3 blossom of a thistle, and impregnating the
ter, the seeds produced the hybrid we now wit-
ss as flourishing so astonishingly in some of our
St gardens, and which partakes of the character
both weeds, for it pricks and stings the unwary
3ser-by most atrociously. But as we said before,
t being a natural or an indigenous production,
! need be under no apprehension of finding it in
Y sermon we may chance to pick up on this poor
id of ours : so to our search. It is quite evident
it the soil must be either gravel, sand, peat, marl,
y, or chalk, and every one of these substances,
her taken singly or commixedly, will carry a
»p of something useful to man ; if that crop suits
not, we have g^uano, salt, lime, compost, stable-
;er, gas-refuse, and a host of minor manures, to
[pus on: what on earth would we have? "Why,"
rs John Bull, " I want, I want, let me see — oh,
ave it ! I want some stricter corn-laws.'* " Com-
irsbe hanged !" replies his youngest son the Char-
L "You want the people's charter and free trade,
if 8 all we want to make gentlemen of us at
30." Begging your pardons, gentlemen, if you
1 not be at the trouble of cultivating your land,
at possible difference can it make to you whether
i oom-laws exist or not ? And if you will not
' out your capital, and gain interest thereupon,

196 WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIYE LAMD8.

we confess we don't exactly see what ike people's
charter and free-trade would do for yon, if yon ob-
tained them to-morrow. It strikes as that yoo
would be worse off than yon are now, and that |:
would certainly be a grievous pity : if you refim
to employ your capital, trade stands still ; if yoo.'
will not give your labourers something to do, yoi
must support them for doing nothing; and undei'
these two inflictions, if you gain the rix points of
the charter, they would be of no possible use ts
you, and you would have literally ^* spent year
money for that which was not bread, and your
labour for that which sadsfieth not'' Cm boHOt
therefore? where's the good of it? half a loafk
better than no bread, and if you can only get fifty
shillings an acre out of your poor land, that is
better than gaining nothing at all out of it.

But we will put the thing at the lowest possible
estimate ; we will say that you have 30 millions of
uncultivated land, and half this quantity is totally
unproductive (so they say) ; therefore let us take
the other half, the remaining 15 millions of acresy
of which you allow something may be made ; now
we will say, you shall only gain ten shillings an
acre per annum from this portion, and it must he
wretched poor stuff indeed if you cannot squeeze
that out of it ; at the end of the year then you ha?e
no less a sum than seven millions five hundred
thousand pounds produced by land which you con-

WASTE OB UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS. 137

' {ess is available, but which now does not bring you

^ in so many iiarthUigs. What think you of that,

[ friend John, by way of a beginning ? Shall you

ever make that, or any thing like it, out of the

corn-laws, free-trade, the charter, or all three of

them put together ? If you ask us which we would

lather have, we do not hesitate for a moment to

' tell you, we had rather by half take your poor land

4^ your hands as an annuity only, than your anti-

oom-laws, free-trade, and the charter in perpetuity ;

indeed these three latter estates we would not

accept as a gift if you offered them ; but we might

be tempted to say something about giving you a

good rent for the former.

So much for your poor land : but we have not
done with you yet We think you said something

I about rocks, mountains, and lakes — delightful pro-
perty this ; if it was not for them, and the constant
drculation of fresh air they create, we might soon
shut up shop, and be off to the colonies ; for if we
itaid here, we should infallibly be ^^ carried" off by
a ^es, fen-fevers, and all kinds of horribilities.
Bat in the course of our peregrinations, we have
here and there found lurking traces of something
valuable even in your mountains and rocks — we
have discovered gems, metals, and minerab in
them ; and when with hammer in band
worked away at the mountain-side, to Hi
it is true, we have mentally ezclaimedy

138 WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

had but a good corps of sappers and miners herc^'
with two or three steam-engines, an electric bat*
tery or so, and Major-general Pasley at the head of!
us, wouldn't we show the world what mountain!
were made for ?"

Then again look at those beautiful lakes of youi% t
you will never make us believe they were only ifi-
tended for poets to write about; or for young ladies
and gentlemen to make love upon the banks of; or
for a few disciples of old Isaac Walton to study the
habits of trout upon. We are quite sure Nature
never dreamt of their being applied to any soA
purposes ; though we believe she has no objection b
to your amusing yourselves in this way occasionally; ■
but we strongly doubt whether you have ever yet -
tried to discover what the real use of these lakes
was intended to be. To- say they are of no use,
would be to contradict Nature, and assert that
physical impossibilities were morally possible, and
a fool knows better than that. Premising this, let
us look at the map of our English mountainous d]»>
trict. If you draw a line from Bolton in Lan-
cashire to Gretna Green (an interesting locality
this), you will just shut in all your lakes and largest
mountains; and casting your eye over the left
shoulder, as if you were looking for a bailiff, you
will have a bird's-eye view of as pretty a little
estate as any man of science, and a lover of the
Picturesque, could well wish for, in reason at least

WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS. 139

We have visited this portion of your property, friend
John, frequently, and like many others, have
rhapsodized and gone into small ecstacies when
eontemplating the exquisite loveliness of the
scenery. But it does rain so abominably often in
Cumberland and Westmoreland, that a native of
ihe south, or the midland counties, begins to wish
he were an amphibious beast instead of being a
land-lubber only. However, we suppose the rain
is natural here, and this being the case, let us try
if we cannot make some use of it and turn it to a
beneficial account: more impossible things than
this have been done ere now. Taking therefore
the square area contained within the four points of
Penrith, Cockermouth, Whitbeck, and Milnthorpe
by Lancaster, we just enclose all your lakes; of
which we will enumerate a few of the largest, to
wit, Ullswater, Winander-Mere, Coniston, Wast
Water, Crummock Water, Bassenthwaite Water,
Derwent Water, besides a few lesser fish-ponds,
remarkably pretty in their way. Now, John, why
cannot you, instead of crowding your tenants and
operatives in heaps in those beastly, demoralizing
towns of yours, locate them by the side of some of
these beautiful pieces of water ? ^^ Look at the
expence," say you : granted, — but you tell us you
don't want capital — ^you have more than you know
what to do with ; ergo, here is an opening for you
to lay it out to advantage. Now just take some of

1

140 WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LAMDS.

this capital, build an operative Phalanstery for I

manufacture of something or other, — any thing )

fancy ; green cheese even if it suits you. Me

that large and convenient enow to hold 1000

1500 of your people, and emigrate with them yo

self as governor of the institution, or send one

your sons ; never mind the rain, for your folks

all employed within doors; and besides now

begin to reflect, we verily believe that we are

debted to the rain for the lakes, to the lakes for

fish, and to the fish for food for our emigrai]

Dear heart ! what a capital manager Nature is

be sure. Now who'd have thought that she wc

have helped us on after this fashion at our i

starting ? but that's her way, John, don't you s

She always takes those by the hand, and lifts tl

over the stile, who ask her civilly ; and those i

tell her they want none of her help, she leave

themselves as they wish, and they therefore blue

over the bars of the style, break their shins or tl

noses, and if they get over at all, they do it i

very indecorous manner, quite indecent to beh

But let us look a little further. What you

quire for your manufactory is wind-and-w

power, coal or steam power. Eolus himself coul

wish for a better wind store-house than you 1

here ; the nature of your business requires lol

water, so the mountain-tops catch hold of the cl<

by their skirts as they pass, and tell them you \

WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

141

^nx ; no sooner do they hear this, than they collect
send you a shower or two ; or if you prefer a
i|entle mizzle, they've got it all ready — ^plenty of
Itock on hand, and they tell you not to be stingy, for
jou have only to ask and have. Coals you can
[lever want, the great York and Lancaster field is
I dose by, and fire and water make steam. Now
we are not going to set you down here by your-
selves to do just whatever you like remember, but
if you or one of your soils is the governor, we will
kive another for our chaplain, for without a church
or a chapel, you would soon be wandering in the
wildernesses of sin, heresy, and corruption. This
won't do, so you will please to have one of your
sons appointed for the ministry, or two, if needful ;
and the tenth part of all your profits upon the insti^
tutiajn shaU be his (the LevMsJ portion. No flinch-
ing, we won't hear a word, and we will have no
Puseyites.

But you say the roads are against us in such

hilly districts ; this is the third point we proposed

to consider, and you have mentioned it, John, just

at the right time. Now let us turn road-surveyors

for the nonce ; one thing we are quite certain of,

there is a capital road from Lancaster to Carlisle ;

and from thence to Gretna Green, ask the Carlisle

post-boys what it is ; we have driven tandem over

it once or twice in the days of our nonage, and

would scarcely wish for a better locale for the dis-

142 WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

play of Jehu-like talent From each of these two^^

points, if you don't like to cross the mountaiii%>

why you may take the steam-boats and go rounds

them, — nothing is easier ; and supposing you

to stop in the middle, there are the ports of AUonby^'

Whitehaven, Mary-port, Bowness, Broughton, and

whole "ruck" of others; to these places, if yc

once set up your establishment, others would set up'' '

conveyances simply upon the natural principle, that ^

as you created the demand^ the supply would be

forthcoming as a necessary consequence. Greil

fish demand little fish, little fish supply great fish,

and so on, ad infinitum^ throughout the course

of nature. And if you our worthy friend, John

Bull, would but look a little more closely into

Nature's ways and means, and try to do as she does,

though you would blunder a little at first, and make

some queer articles at the beginning, you would

nevertheless produce a very decent imitation in

time, by industry and perseverance.

But we are getting off the roads, confessedly;
some are execrable, in an especial degree that
beautiful drive firom Ambleside to Patterdale — twice
have we tandemized throughout this distance ; and
the last time we and our friend fairly laid us down
by the road-side, and laughed at the utter absurdity
of bringing such horses and such a vehicle as we
then had, into such an almost impassable gap ; for
road it was not, nothing like one being to be dis-

WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

143

rered, excepdog the rude dry channel of the
torrent, and that full of boulders as large as
I quartern loaf; and the way so steep withal, that
horses could only progress by fits and starts
it ten or a dozen yards each. Howsoever we
nothing by laughing at our misfortunes, but
our road-book, having forgotten that we took
out of the carriage to discover whether we had
[lot mistaken the track, and left it on the ground
where we had been sitting. We have pitched upon
ftis worst bit of road for this reason, looking map-
{wise, we find a river runs firom Penrith to Ulls-
I water, that is to say, just the contrary way; but
it's all the same in the end, for what we want, is a
I water-line from one certain place to another certain
I place. Now from the upper end of Ulls water to
Patterdale, we have the glorious lake itself; but
from the latter place to Ambleside, where we meet
the head of Winander-M ere, we have nothing but
this atrocious stony way which excited our risible
fiiculties so greatly, and caused the loss of our road-
book ; but going on from Ambleside down Winander-
Mere, we have a clear water-line to the Irish Sea ;
what more can a man wish for? If Australia
possessed one-half such advantages, how we should
extol and praise the place as a very paradise.

Now, John, our recommendation is this, if you
are wise enough to locate a few of your industrious
people in this most valuable district for manufac-

.144 WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS.

turing purposes, consult General Pasley, or SH
Isamberd Brunei, or George Stephenson, aboul
the road between Ambleside and Patterdale, an
also about widening the water-line aforesaid ; be
cause if you take the western road from Lancaste
upwards as your perpendicular main artery, tha
which we have pointed out will be its parallel, am
one from Keswick to Penrith the horizontal line
by taking these points into serious consideration
your English lakes might be made as valuable U
you as the Canadian inland seas are to the Ameri*
cans, and we question much if the balance or com-
parison would not be much in your favour ; for thd
whole district abounds so greatly in metallic andj
mineral wealth, that we opine you have only to en--
large your engineering ideas as the railway people
at Dover have done, to reap a profit of an hundred*
fold at least; but while you go on picking a bitj
here and a bit there, all your time is taken up in i
looking after these " sma' wee things," and -the
mass remains as yet unexplored. As you have
capital then, set to work on an extensive, or rather
a powerful and energetic scale, and you will very
soon discoyer that your poor lands, your stony
and rocky mountains, and your lakes, which you
only used as cabinet curiosities, are mines of wealth)
which only require labour to bring them to light
If therefore you persist in sending your labour out
of the country, all we can say, John, is, that you

WASTE OR UNPRODUCTIVE LANDS. 145

are a most egregious donkey ; you are only bleed-
ing yourself to death like a calf, instead of letting
the butcher do it ; and were we in power we most
certainly would compel you not to be so unwar-
rantably silly, for we would not allow you either to
bleed yourself, neither should the butcher do it :
but we would put you under a strict systematic
system. If you choose to amuse yourself with co-
lonization, and as this happens to be a natural and
agreeable, as well as an instructive amusement, we
would not thwart you, but merely aid you to the
best of our ability, by suggesting the best outlines
of a plan, leaving you and your agents to fill up
the detail. You can do any thing in nature with
the resources you have ; — but if you go contrary to
nature^ you will just find yourself frustrated and
thwarted at every step.

Keep your own bundle of sticks together, John,
as your father did before you ; but if you separate
them, and despise or crush them, you will reap the
reward of your mistake even as you are now doing.
This is Nature's decree, and you may get in a pas-
sion, and swear and storm at it as long as you like,
but you cannot alter it ; and if you could, the result
would be your own destruction. Make Nature
your friend therefore, study her laws, and you will
daily see more clearly, how beautifully and syste-
matically they amalgamate with the laws of the
Creator of nature and of the whole universe. He

VOL. III. H

146 WASTE OB UNPEODUCTIVE LANDS.

framed the code which Nature presents to you, and
to find £BiuIt with it is to reproach Him, whose sole
end and aim in making those laws was your comfort
and welfare here; and as that was not enough, fie
sent his own Son to teach you, to die for and
redeem you to Himself to share with Him the
indescribable bliss and glory of an endless hereafter,
in that kingdom where all is light — ^where mystery
ends, and where the toil and turmoil of our earthly
state will be superseded by the rapturous repose of
never-ending happiness. May this indeed be oun^
and the lot of those whom we have loved here.

CHAP. V.

t THE " SCATTERATION" SYSTEM AND THE

L "SCATTERERS" CONSIDERED.

There is a description of animal of the genus
mammalia, species homo, which might do a vast
right of good in the world, did they not entirely
obviate by their daily actions, lives, and conversa-
tion, the benevolent intention of nature; and the
way in which they frustrate it is thus : — ^the Scat-
terers are the acids in society, the Combinators are
the alkali ; now, if one concocts a solution of either
of these saline substances, and tastes them sepa-
rately, nature tells us our palates shall be disgusted;
for " one,*' says she, " shall set your teeth on edge
for very sourness, and that / never intended;
whereas the other shall taste like soda, and soap,
and all kinds of nastiness, and the consequence is,
you will make divers wry faces thereat :" so like
proper children we do that which we are warned
against, and get taken in as we deserve ; for our
teeth are set on edge by the acids, and the alkali
makes us spit like so many cats. '^ But now," says
our governess Nature, again, " if you will but
unite the two salts, incorporate and mix 'em well,
upon the Associative principle, see how beautifully

H 2

148 THE " scatteration" system and

they fiz, and mingle like any or all things in nature,
only observe what a delicious cooling beverage is
immediately compounded, and how exceedingly
effective it is in allaying feverish heat, excitement,
and all that sort of thing." We try it, and find
the result exactly what nature told us it would be;
we begin to wonder that we did not earlier adopt
the method, and once having tasted of the mixture,
we are in danger of over-doing it, as we find the
thing so very agreeable.

Thus we Phalansterians (the alkaline salt of the
earth), say to the Scatterers (the acids), <<if we
could but unite and co-operate, what a capital mix-
ture we should but make for society at large I**
" No," replies the Scatterer, " I won't, for I am
an enemy to all your new-fangled concentration
schemes ; no artificial association of any kind ever
answered yet, and never will do. I don't like the
principle, for it is calculated to produce discord in
lieu of harmony, dis-union instead of unanimity."
Thus Society tastes us both, and as we have before
stated, the acid makes her mouth water, and causes
unpleasant dental sensations ; and as to us alkalies,
she spits us out at once, and exclaims against us as
nasty infidel stufi^, only fit for Turks and French
materialists : now, if she would but unite us, and
then taste, she would call out, — " O, how delicious !
how very nice ! I'll put this down in my receipt-
book at once." But the Scatterer declares, that the

THE ^^ SCATTERERS" CONSIDERED. 149

feeling of restless independence, which he assumes
to be innate in our very nature, altogether puts an
extinguisher upon any attempt at unitary combina-
tion ; and having run smack up against this wall, he
turns abruptly round, and tells you it is of no use
to try and go any further, for there is the wall ; don't
we see ? and he does'nt believe, indeed, he is quite
sure there's nothing on the other side of it Now
we are a somewhat curious people, we Phalanste-
rians, we love to search deep into Nature's treasure-
house, and she rewards our diligence most amply ;
therefore we say to our friend the Scatterer, — " Are
you quite sure there's nothing on the other side of
the tvall? it looks to us amazingly like a garden-
wall, and more betoken, unless our senses deceive
us greatly, we smell both fruit and flowers; and
the wind which blows towards us can't make a
mistake any how, because it is one of Nature's
agents; let's get over the wall, or, there's a door,
let us go through it." " Now, why cannot you
be quiet and satisfied where you are?" replies the
Scatterer; "did'nt I tell you there was nothing
beyond the wall, and is'nt that enough?" ** Have
you ever been on the other side?" ask we. " Can't
say I have," says he, " but that's no matter." It is
a very great matter though, and, at all events, we
are determined to have better proof than your honour's
mere assertion, or that of any individual who knows
38 little of the geography of the country.

150 THE ^^ SCATTERATION" SYSTEM AND

Meanwhile Society looks on and says, — <^ Well,
I do believe the alkali is in the right of it, for he
seems so far from being an infidel compound, thst
I begin to think he has the greater foith of tk
two, at any rate it seems the most reasonable; and
if there should he a garden on the other side of the
wall, it would be a pity, for my sake, not to avail
ourselves of it;" so she calls to some of hei^ mem-
bers, — <^ Here," says she, '^give this PhiJansterian
alkali a lift up to the top of the wall^ and let \m
look over, for we've lost the kfsy of the docnr,- and
there's an old tradition which says something about
its being found, if it ever is discovered, in the botr
tom of some cup or other, which shall contain two
diametrically opposite ingredients, both nauseous,
separately taken, but sweet to the palate when
combined. I should'nt a bit wonder now if I was
to find this key, were I to mix this acid and alkali
now before me ; but, however, do as I say, lift the
alkali to the top of the wall;" two or three members
hoist up the Phalansterian, and he declares, that
not only is there something, but that he never saw
such a beautiful garden in all his life; such fruit and
such flowers as are a wonder to behold. Says the

Scatterer, it's all a ; or, as the polite term of the

day runs, ^^ it's all a sell :" the combinator or Pha-
lansterian declares, upon his honour, it is true;
but, says he, there's one on the other side who
perceives me, and is coming this way. <* Well,

THE << SCATTERERS'' CONSIDERED. 151

what does he say?" says Society. Why, he only
asked what business I had peeping over the wall ;
he says, the door is the right entry. 1 asked
him for the key; he told me to search for it; he
said others had got over the wall before now; —
Owen, I think he sajrs was one; and their thievish
propensities of appropriating every thing to th^n-
selves, soon led them into the man-traps and pit-
fells, set on purpose to catch such infidels and
heretics; but he says, if we will find the key, and
enter by the right and legitimate way, as ladies
and gentlemen ought to do, we are perfectly wel-
come, not only to walk in the garden, but live in
it as long as we please, or as we are permitted to
do in the natural course of events; and as to the
fruit and flowers, he says there's plenty for all.

" Humph !" says the Scatterer, " it's all non-
sense I tell you; Fve got enough to live upon
already, and it is as much as I can do to look after
it; I wish to goodness other people would'nt be so
restless and so troublesome ; besides, I don't want
every body to b6 as well off as myself; and who
knows if this tale of your^s about the garden be
true, whether they won't be even better off than I
am ?— that would be a pretty joke. I should like
to know what's to become of me ; where am I to
find servants? And then those picturesque cottages
of mine ; to be sure they are a bit filthy inside, and
I should'nt much fiemcy them as a home; but what

152 THE << scatteration" system and

signifies that, it is not likely I shall be obliged to
try the experiment I nevertheless, I like to see the
blue smoke curling up from the cottage chimney;
and although I could keep some cottages on pur-
pose to look at, even if the people went to live in
this garden they talk so much about, still, unless 1
made them very nice indeed, and a vast deal better
than they are now, nobody would thank me for
them, and I don't want to go to the expense : hang
all innovators and inventions, I wish they and their
schemes were at Jericho or Hanover, where Vm
told they want such things; / don't need any of
them."

Thus he goes on, railing away, and quite deter-
mined not to mix his acid with the alkali of the
Phalansterian. Society suffers from the discord,
and the key of the garden-door remains undis-
covered; the Phalansterian having the example of
thieves and robbers before his eyes, dares not enter
by any other than the legitimate way ; and, besides,
his conscience at once condemns such a step, there-
fore he has nothing for it but to wait patiently, and
tell every body he sees, what a beautiful garden he
has discovered, in the hope of meeting with some
influential friend of the Scatterer, who may per-
suade him to be a little more rational than he now
is, and rather more awake to his own interest and
that of his fellow creatures.

Now we will venture to assert, that if you ex-

€€

€€

THE <^ SCATTERERS" CONSIDERED. 153

amine the Scatterer closely, you shall find him
ahnost eaten up with parasitical insects, for as Dr.
Porson asserts it to be an invariable rule of Nature,
that

Great fleas" (shall) '' have little fleas"

Upon their backs to bite 'em;"
'' And little fleas have lesser fleas ;"
" And so ad infinitum.*'

Thus, we are quite certain, that this Scatterer shall
apon examination be found to be in the above un-
pleasant predicament : if he be a public character,
he has a host of insects preying upon him, of
various sizes, shapes, and forms ; if he be a private
character, we will be bound to say, that the fleas of
connexions, small' tenants, parasitical agents, and
divers other closely adhering insects, are eating his
principal nourishment away. But though he knows
he could get rid of most of them by the union of
the acid and alkali, he will not do it, because he is
aware, or rather he is infatuated enough to believe,
those who tell him so, that it would lessen his
influence; and, besides, the mere fact of know-
ing that he supports all these parasites, gives him
a degree of consequence, which he is afraid to lose
by the Phalansterian system, or to exchange for
the pure pleasure of conscientiously knowing, that
he was doing unto others as he would wish them to
do to him, were their situations reversed.

If you argue with him on the subject, he asks you

H 3

154 THE ^ SCATTERATION^ SYSTEM AND

who is to make the laws and regulations for a co-
operative association ? Yoa tell him the gorei^
nors and officers of the institution, in combinatioB
with the shareholders, or the private person, if it
be private property; he directly asserts that tlie
thing is impossible, the << independence" of man wOi
never submit to such regulations. You then adduce
the railways and public companies in substandadoD
of your argument, he still sticks to his text, and in
the face of all this declares it to be utterly impos-
sible, — ^very fine on paper, but not feanble in
practice. You proceed to tell him, that approving
of his doctrine of " independence," you not only p
wish to be independent yourself, but to make '^
every body else independent too*. " Ah !" says he,
** a fine theory, but some people ought to be con-
tent as they are ; it is perfectly right that / should
be independent, though that's not exactly what I
mean, and I don't find it quite so easy to explain ;
but it is not so necessary that you and every other
person should be independent; / don't see the
necessity for it — and what's more, as we Scattered
are rather an influential body, we will do our best
to prevent it." Having driven him into this comer,
he stands at bay, and if you give him another poke,
he commences with a religious attack; he says it is
very wrong to^ be dissatisfied, and that poverty is
an ordinance of the Creator ; and he will tell you
what a vast sight of good he and all the rest of the

THE <* SCATTERERS^ CONSIDERED. 155

Sciitterers d<H their agricultural societies^ benevo-
lent institutions, workhouseS) and such like ; but if
you tell him calmly in reply that your wish is to
raise the whole of society a few degrees in the scale,
he is £urly vanquished, and assails you with the
epithets of Infidel, Jesuit, Materialist, and tells you
dmt you want to rob him of his dearly-cherished
privileges ; that you wish to subvert society, that
you are worse than the Radicals, Chartists, or Con-
servatives, or all united; and in short he blows up
such a storm around him, that you are glad to
make your escape, for a while at least, and leave
him to settle. Had he united with you, all would
have gone on pleasantly ; but he does not want to
unite with any body, though you will always find
him loudest in the praise of Society as now consti-
tuted ; he is evidently always uneasy — conscience
does this, but public business and the hurry of mul-
tifarious occupation mesmerise the tell-tale, and she
dozes on until she awakes too late from her lethal^;
and the Scatterer devoured by the insects he has so
long and fondly cherished, in vain wishes he had
listened to the earnest entreaties of society, to unite
with the Combinators in their labour of love, and
aided them to enter the garden, from which his own
obstinate adherence to maxims, which had nothing
but false reasoning for their basis, has not only ex-
cluded them (the Combinators) but himself and all
that belonged to him ; of these men it may truly be

156 THE << scatteration" system and

said, ** Ye neither enter in yourselves, nor will you
suffer those who are entering, to go in."

We will now briefly examine the arguments
which the Scatterer in society brings against Asso-
ciation.

1st then, they state that men will not voluntarily
live in a condition of artificial association for any
length of time.

2ndly. The restless spirit of independence causes |
them to separate and take their own course.

drdly. That all these combinative systems look
well on paper, but will not endure analysis.

4thly. None but the idle and indifferent would
remain in them, on the ground of preferring work
to be found for them, in lieu of seeking it them-
selves.

5thly. That it would tend to establish vote by
ballot, universal suffrage, and if not ^^ triangular''
parliaments, at least a good deal of " three-cornered"
party feeling.

First, as to man disliking a state of artificial
association — we fearlessly assert that the species
homo are a gregarious race, which at once speaks
in favor of association ; and we wish not to promote
artificial association, as Owen did, but natural
association, which, by adapting the talents of one
man to the aid of his neighbour as well as himself,
would, we humbly infer, produce harmony, not
discord.

THE << SCATTERERS" CONSIDERED. 157

To the second objection we allege that the ^^ rest-
less spirit of independence" has been mistaken by
oar friends the Scatterers ; there is no such senti-
ment in nature. " No ?' Certainly not — it is

it

nothing more than a perversion of that noble prin-
ciple innate within us, which leads us always to
search after something better and still improving,
in our aim after perfection ; which, whatever cynics
in&y 8^79 <^d sages assert to the contrary, is what
we are aiming at; and this search, if rightly di-
rected, will lead us at last to the only true point of
perfection, the Author of every thing perfect We
however have chosen to mystify this feeling, both
in the minds of our children, and of our grown-up
dependants ; we tell the former not to be trouble-
some, and ask foolish questions, — we advise the
latter to mind their work, and leave such subjects
to their betters. We foolishly deem they will be
satisfied with such answers as these ; and by way of
gaining time, and shirking the question, we amuse
the first with valueless toys, and the others with Me-
chanics' Institutes, beer-shops. Chartists' orations,
and gin-palaces, upon the principle, it is presumed,
of giving them rope enough and letting them do
the rest themselves ; as we a short time ago recom-
mended our farmers to do to those enemies, who
would try to set them against the land which sup-
ports them.
To the third objection, that our scheme may look

158 THE « scatteration" system and

well on paper, but fails on being put to the tsst;
we take leave to say that n^ver yet having been L
honoured with a trial, the objection falls to tbe
ground by its own act, and on the principle of
logical gravitation.

Objection five.-^We are not aware that the laws
of railway, and other associative establishments^
are founded on universal suffrage, or vote by ballot^
though we think the plan of the directors annually
^* going out," in rotation, has answered extremely L
well in large institutions, — to wit, the East India |
Company, the Bank of England, and others, though I
we hold that the simile is not to be entertained for 1
a moment with respect to an annual or a triennial ^
session of the legislative body.

Constituted as the Phalansterian association
would be, those members who preferred a loco-
motive, or a solitary, or an independent life, would
have a prospect of being in the course of a very
few years able to gratify their tastes, habits, and
inclinations, which would at all times be consulted
as natural indices for our g^dance. As we are
now, those who are only poor^ have no chance, no
prospect whatever, of indulging any One of the
three propensities, without either starving, or a
transgression of the law, not of nature, but of man.
And this we consider a truly artificial state of asso-
ciation; consequently the Scatterers must inevi-
tably do violence to their own principles by adopt-

THE << SCATTERERS" CONSIDERED. 159

ing a forced state of association, for the profit of
the few at the expence of the mass ; they therefore
place impediments in the way of improvement,
which the combinators would co-operate to remove.
We trust then that they will afford us a candid
hearing, and honour us with as keen a scrutiny as
they think proper, both as regards !motive and
ultimate effect. So far from checking the spirit
of inquiry, we would foster and encourage it to
the utmost, and throwing away the veil of mys-
tification from all earthly things, we would an-
swer all questions openly, honestly, and unre-
servedly.

We are of opinion that idleness and indifference
are not natural qualifications, they result from the
mass of corruption we have so unwisely allowed to
accumulate, and this by its pestilential miasma has
destroyed the native energy of the human mind ;
nothing in nature is idle, nothing inert; some sub-
stances are, to our notions of comparison, quicker
in action than others, and to this point we should
have especial regard, for slowness in some, and ra-
pidity in others, are as essential to the proper regu-
lation of the mechanism in the aggregate, as are
the different degrees of speed at which the separate
patts of a chronometer maintain their motion, to the
accuracy of the entire machine.

As we now progress, no regard whatever is paid
to this most fundamental point of social economy ;

158 THE << 8CATTERATION" SYSTEM AND

well on paper, but fails on being put to die tot;
we take leave to say that never yet having bM
honoured with a trial, the objection fidls to the
ground by its own act, and on the prinoipk of L
logical gravitation.

Objection five.-^We are not aware tliat the him
of railway, and other associative estabUshmenti)
are founded on universal suffrage, or vote by baUol^
though we think the plan of the directors annually
^< going out," in rotation, has answered extremdjf
well in large institutions, — to wit, the East Indn
Company, the Bank of England, and others, thougb
we hold that the simile is not to be entertained fo
a moment with respect to an annual or a triennial
session of the legislative body.

Constituted as the Phalansterian association
would be, those members who preferred a loco-
motive, or a solitary, or an independent life, would
have a prospect of being in the course of a very
few years able to gratify their tastes, habits, and
inclinations, which would at all times be consulted
as natural indices for our g^dance. As we are
now, those who are only poor^ have no chance, no
prospect whatever, of indulging any one of the
three propensities, without either starving, or a
transgression of the law, not of nature, but of man.
And this we consider a truly artificial state of asso-
ciation; consequently the Scatterers must inevi-
tably do violence to their own principles by adopt-

THE << SCATTERERS'' CONSIDERED. 159

ng a forced state of association, for the profit of
ihe few at the expence of the mass ; they therefore
)lace impediments in the way of improvement,
Birhich the eombinators would co-operate to remove.
We trust then that they will afford us a candid
learing, and honour us with as keen a scrutiny as
:hey think proper, both as regards Imotive and
iltimate effect. So kx from checking the spirit
y{ inquiry, we would foster and encourage it to
iie utmost, and throwing away the veil of mys-
tification from all earthly things, we would an-
swer all questions openly, honestly, and unre-
servedly.

We are of opinion that idleness and indifference
ire not natural qualifications, they result from the
mass of corruption we have so unwisely allowed to
iccumulate, and this by its pestilential miasma has
lestroyed the native energy of the human mind ;
nothing in nature is idle, nothing inert; some sub-
stances are, to our notions of comparison, quicker
in action than others, and to this point we should
liave especial regard, for slowness in some, and ra-
pidity in others, are as essential to the proper regu-
lation of the mechanism in the aggregate, as are
the different degrees of speed at which the separate
parts of a chronometer maintain their motion, to the
iccvLTSicy of the entire machine.

As we now progress, no regard whatever is paid
to this most fundamental point of social economy ;

160 THE << scatteration" system and

we sometimes take all the labouring men of a parish
and set them to work at the same identical kind oC
labour, when perhaps upon a due observance of
natural qualification we should discover, that not
five out of one hundred were naturally qualified for
the work, and all rendered less adapted than they
might be, by poverty of food, neglected minds, and
a depression of all noble or animating sentiments.
We prove the fallacy of our " Scatteration'' argu-
ments most forcibly by our daily actions. Now as
an inducement to our waggoner, or our stable-boy,
or any other servant, we say, <^ if you don't do as 1
tell you, you shall be punished ;" if we speak to a
child it is thus, ^^ I'll punish or I'll flog you, if you : ,
don't do as you're bid ;" to the servants, <^ obey
orders or I'll dismiss you :" and as rewards, we
offer such as we ought to be ashamed of; the less
we say about them the better. ^^ But," says a
Scatterer, ^^ did not you say just now that Nature
does the very same thing, and declares she will
punish her children if they disobey her laws." We
think noty at least such never was our intention ; be-
cause it would have been telling a falsehood, as Na-
ture never acts thus. She says to us, ^^here is a code
of laws framed by my Maker and yours, all made ex-
pressly for your sole benefit ; if you break or trans-
gress those laws, you will be punished, and — mark
us well — t/ou will punish yourselves ; Nature neoer
punishes, for in nature there is no sin, consequently

THE << SCATTERERS" CONSIDERED. 161

tile cause for punishment being absent, the effect is
isknown. Man perverts his nature, thereby pro-
Incing sin, and sin is the faithful partner of punish-
Qent, and vice versA!^

Man does not thus; all his private regulations, if
ifted, are full of selfishness, and that being our
rror, it works its own punishment, sooner or later ;
his is the main reason why so many of our imagi-
lations prove ' fruitless, and instead of giving up
lie contest with nature and the Divine law, we
- kick against the pricks," which would never harm
s if we avoided them, and acted always and on all
ccasions to others as we would wish them to act
)wards us. We force people to act against natural
ntipathies, because we choose to show our au-
lority; we ought to examine those antipathies
loroughly, for we may be certain they were not
iven for nothing, and that they exist naturally
ecause our energies should be directed in some
ther channel. This is nature's way ; we fly in a
assion, and tell the man, ^^ O, if you don't choose
) adopt the profession, or do the work I select for
on, you may look out for yourself, or starve; I'm
ot going to give myself the trouble of studying
our antipathies." We call him a restless, dissa-
isfied being, and make him so in the end by our
wn most culpable error, and such a system we have
o hesitation in declaring to be a subversion of

162

THE " SCATTERATION** SYSTEM.

every principle of the Divine or human nature; a
direct disobedience to the laws of our Creator, and
calculated to produce crime, restlessness, dissatis-
faction, idleness, and every species of not naturali
but unnatural depravity.

i

CHAP. VI.

MACHINERY,
Naval, Locomotive, Aerial, and Agricultural.

It would be ungrateful on our part, and a poor
compliment to the splendid talents of the engineers
and inventors of our day, if we were to omit to
offer our meed of admiration, or a few hints by way
of encouragement, or as subject matter for their
consideration. In venturing to do this, we feel
much di£Sdence, as we consider that the scientific
class of society have left the rest of mankind far in
the rear on their march of improvement ; but as
their course has been extra-ordinarily rapid, and
their harvest abundant, it may be that the gleanings
of their field even yet are capable of being turned
to good account ; and to these we are quite sure
they will deem us heartily welcome. Entering the
field therefore in full reliance upon their generosity
and good faith, we cast a comprehensive glance at
first over the whole area. We admire exceedingly
the high state of cultivation which it exhibits, the
rich quality of its ample produce, the liberality
which the owners have shewn to the gleaners, and
the almost inexhaustible capabilities of the soil;
every thing we see tends to encourage us, and in

164 MACHINERY.

high good humour we set about our pleasurable
task of gleaning after such excellent husbandmen.

First then, we find ourselves in that division of
the field which produces machinery applicable to
nauticals, and as we are thereby reminded of a chap-
ter we some time ago addressed to our naval friends
on this head, recommending the adoption of certain
catamarans, or huge floats, in the stead of our beau-
tiful little ships (for all things are gpreat or small by
comparison only) for long and protracted voyages
or cruizes. Since making that address we have
been pondering upon the nature of things in gene-
ral, and of waves and ships in particular, and as
nature and art evidently unite in the intention of
adapting the one to the other, we were led from one
thing to another until we asked ourselves the fol-
lowing question, — ^^ In how far is the form of a ship
the best that could be devised to suit the form and
motion of the wave ? " and the answer we made to
our own query was, " Why, it is by no means the
best." "But," said Prudence, " you surely are not
going to set up your opinion against that of all the
science of this and all other ages ?" " Certainly not,
madam, we simply asked ourselves a question, and
by way of amusement answered it in person ; and
upon the principle of a cat having an undoubted
privilege of surveying the benign countenance of a
royal personage, did we exercise our prerogative."
But to return, we recollect once hearing a worthy

MACHINERY. 165

naval officer, who, when expatiating upon the admi-
rable adaptation of our marine architecture to the
purpose for which it was intended to be applied,
allude to a very singular natural object by way of
illustration; standing by a poulterer's shop, we
think it was, he pointed to a dis-feathered shore-
going chicken, and compared the breast-bone
thereof to the keel of a ship, the back to the deck,
the tail to the rudder, and so on ; and in short it
would almost appear to a casual observer, that Na-
ture had made the simile on purpose for him ; to
have disputed the resemblance would have been an
absurdity, as there it was confessedly displayed to
our senses, and some children who were present
were lost in admiration of the strong and striking
evidence of similarity which was presented to their
notice.

At the time we took very little notice of our
friend's observation, but in after days, whether from
curiosity, or a natural aptitude for thinking differ-
ently from the generality of mankind, or any other
reason society pleases to allege, we frequently re-
curred in thought to the sailor, the ship, and the
chicken ; and, said we, they may call us a lubber if
they will, and they may build their ships like cocks
and hens, and then persuade themselves it was all
Nature's doing. But upon our word and honour
as a gentleman, we believe they are wrong, and for
this reason, — if you take a chicken or an old hen,

166 MACHINERY.

or the ancient fisttheri (no matter whicb,) ont to-
Spithead, and tell the fellow he is made like a ship^
he will stare you in the face, and look rather
strange, not at all knowing what you are driviii|f
at, — but if you then give him his liberty and set
him adrift, just observe what a precious mess he
makes of himself, and you will very soon perceive
that if he does resemble a ship, it is one drifting cm
the high seas with all sails set, rudder loose, and
not a soul on board. The excellent adaptation of
his form (as you think it) is of no more use to him
than a problem in Euclid would be, and the upduit
is, that if you don't soon take him on board your
boat he will be drowned, and your cook will have to
hold a coroner's inquest upon him ; your theory of
natural formation, and consequent fitness for a de-
finite purpose, will be upset, and you will begin to
think the cock or the chicken was better suited to
figure away in a fieurm-yard or on your dinner-table^
than for taking sea-voyages on his own account

But how absurd you are ! says a sailor, don't
you know that there are sea-going birds as well as
shore-going fowls ? In our early days we studied
Bewick, and few books ever gave us the exquisite
delight that has done and still does ; moreover, we
were a bit of a naturalist ourself, and both by sea
and land have watched with infinite pleasure the
nature and habits of the denizens of earth, air, and
water. To watch the small kittiwake gull rise and

;

&

MACHINERY. 167

with the easy motion of the wave, her head un-
her 'wing, and she sleeping calmly on the sur-
of the deep waters, has excited oft our admira-
; we have in thought followed the various
of diver, when on rowing towards them
y have taken a plunge and disappeared for a
minutes from our sight; we have examined
tihem carefully both alive and defunct, their forms,
their features, and their habits inclusive, and we
liaye intensely admired the wonderful skill and
power of the Almighty Creator of all nature, ani-
mate and inanimate ; and thought how mean were all
our highest ideas when placed in comparison with that
astonishing wisdom, which is displayed in the forma-
tion of the meanest (as we deem them) of His crea-
tures. You are right, my friend, in alluding to the
^eorgoing fowl ; but allow us to draw your attention
to one or two little &cts which you in conmion with
your brothers appear entirely to have overlooked.

In the first place then, a sea-going fowl has no
keeL What ? do you mean to say she has no breast-
bone ? We don't mean to tell any such fib, but we
repeat she has no heel; on the contrary, the surface
of her body which is placed on the water is as flat
as a table, or if any thing, rather concave in the
centre, instead of the slightest approach to convexity.
Now what do you think of that for the foundation of
a new theory? O you are going to recommend
flat-bottomed ships ? Wrong again, — a sea-going

168 MACHINERY.

fowl has no more resemblance to a flat-bottom
vessel than it has to a keeled vessel. Then what
you mean ? Simply this, that we have been asi
a few simple questions of Nature, and she, as
invariably does to those who ask for informal
most obligingly furnished us immediately, and w<
of course wish you to partake with us of the
fication derivable therefrom. This is what we n
derstand then from her explanation. The sea-fowl,
says she, was intended to pass a very great portitti
of its life on the water ; so the best form, and that

•

which was most likely to float with the greatest
ease and least chance of injury, was given to the
bird ; we made the keel it is true, but we entirely
obliterated the form of a keel, — first by placing a
lump of flesh, muscle, &c., on each side of it, don't
you see ? and then to make sure of keeping that in
its place, we put on a very thick skin to make it
still flatter, and after that a very thick layer indeed
of Macintosh (we mean waterproof) feathers, which |
we took care to make as flat as possible. i

Now you, says Nature, go to work thus : — ^you '
say that bird floats, so I'll make a wooden bird, Til
give it sails for wings, and we'll do astonishing feats
with this automaton ; but you make a bad start, for
you take the model of a shore^going chicken in the
first place, strip all its feathers off to make it sharp
instead of Jlat^ you then take the skin off to render
the resemblance closer, you slice off a bit here and

MACHINERY. 169

a bit there to make the thing " sharp at the bows,"
as you call it ; and having cut the tail close off at
the stern, and placed a sort of jury-tail, which you
call a rudder, you, leaving the wings unplucked,
spread them out, and pointing at her or it, exclaim,
— " Now is'nt she a beauty ? Does'nt she walk the
waters like a thing of life?" Nature, meanwhile,
stands by, smiling at your imitation, and if you
would but listen, you'd hear her saying, — " My
dear child, what a deal of trouble you are giving
yourself ! you have made a thing which never was
intended for the water, and instead of a regular-
built sea-going bird, you have actually made a
shore-going automaton chicken, without any fea-
thers, except on the wings ! and then you expect
it to progress as the water-fowl does, with all its
feathers on ; now do let me help you, and look at
the birds which I send every day for your inspec-
tion and imitation."

But that suits you not, so you say, I'll try again;
you then set to work, and taking the chicken still
for your model, you say, I'll have no wings this
time, but we will stick a wheel on each side, and
see if we cannot make 'em go on the sea as well as
the land : at it you go, and your automaton per-
forms to the wonder of not only yourself but all
surrounding nations ; still, there is something about
it which does not satisfy you, and Nature, who is
never impatient, says, — let them alone, they'll find

VOL. in. I

170 MACHINERY. i

It out at last; there's nothing like a little experience,
give them time : presently you begin to find oot,
that with all your trouble, expense, and anxiety,
these steam-ships or wheel-ships are at best but
dangerous toys, for they will go down in spite of '
.you; and when they take it into their heads to do •
this, they don't do it by halves. One says, stick a
screw into the tail of the thing, instead of your
wheels on the sides, perhaps that will be safer; '■
another tells you, to try going under the water, as
a fish does; — and bothered with so many advisers, j
you don't know what to be at.

A chap in your rear shouts out, <' make haste you
sir, and do something, for I've got a flying machine
here, and I'll cross the water and the land too, in 1
less time than it takes you to think about it ;" — no
wonder then that you are puzzled : but just pause
for a moment, and tell us what you think of some
such plan as this ; you may try it on a small or a
large scale, just as you please; if we were going to
make a thing which should float on the water, we ;
would make it first with a broad bow, and a narrow
stern-firame, exactly in outline like a duck, then the
perpendicular section right down the middle should

resemble that of a turtle, thus

which is a direct inversion of your model, the
horizontal section of which should be our perpen-

MACHINERY. 171

dicular. Here you perceive we at once do away
with one very great obstacle to our progress on
the waters^ by obviating entirely all perpendicular
resistance of the wave or tide. As you now build
your shipS) the resistance of the wave is first

this then that

and both combinedly

form

We do away with the perpendicular

prop of the

and the wave flows gently and

equally under the horizontal line, just as if it met
with no obstruction in life, each substance yields to
the other, without spitting or cutting or dashing the
foam about, and with your wings spread, or your
wheels a-going, you may progress on your turtle's
back, or the duck's back, or inside of either, at any
rate you please.

Now if you wish to have a breast-bone to your
automaton fowl, nature has no objection, provided
you will cover it well over, and make the entire
thing as flat as two pancakes, with a hot plate in
the middle, but with the edges meeting; then you
will float upon the water, and over the wave;
whereas now you resist the water, and cut through
the wave ; and the difference of the two systems is
precisely . that between French polishing a well-
planed rosewood loo-table, and taking a knife or

I 2

172 MACHINERY.

saw and cutting or sawing through it; one is
smooth work, the other rough work ; but you are
perfectly at liberty to choose which you please :—
so much for our gleanings in this portion of your
field, let us now be off to the other side.

Meditating upon the march of steam-machinery,
we have often felt considerable surprise to think
that we should compel the giant always to progress
horizontally, or to keep everlastingly lifting up
first one arm and then the other, with a bucket of
water or a pump in his right hand, and cart-loads
of coal or ore in the left* We are tempted to ask)
is the fellow a cripple, or have you cut his legs
off? we see his body and his arms, we hear him
snorting and wheezing like any thing, but you
certainly must have made your shore-going autom-
aton without legs, — perhaps you forgot them in
your hurry. Now did you ever look at the pen-
dulum of a clock? because if you have^ it is possible
the resemblance of its motion to that of a one-legged
human being, may have occurred to you : be that
as it may, it has occurred to us, and upon this we
said to ourselves, — ^now if one pendulum going in
that way is like one leg, two pendula, one going
first and the other following, must in nature be like
two legs ; therefore, if the first leg stopped at its
utmost stretch, until the other had passed it, and
then went on again, why the fellow or machine
would walk to an inevitable certainty; and if we

MACHINERY. 173

made his legs, that is to say, pendula, long enough,
why no ditch would be too wide, or hedge too high,
for him to cross ; and if we went to war, it would
save us an uncommon sight of human life, pain,
and anxiety; and a few minor considerations of
this sort, to send a thousand or two of steam men
to fight our battles for us ; for we have a shrewd
notion, that few real men or horses would like to
meet the charge of a regiment of our steam-giants,
tireathing fire and smoke out of their nostrils and
months, and armed with bayonets three or four
yards long; if the men and horses stopped to look,
they would be spitted to a dead certainty, and no
mistake.

But we will not tarry longer in this part of your
field, for the space is wide, and we have other
ground to go over. We see in one division a very
ingenious person endeavouring to imitate partially
the form, and wholly the flight, of birds, and to do
this he has borrowed the feathers of a ship, and the
power of the steam-giant ; he has consulted Nature,
but only in a superficial manner, and we hear him
say nothing about a most important economical
arrangement of her's, regarding the flight of birds ;
which as it forms a primary means of their ability
to rise, support themselves in, and progress through
the aerial regions, ought, we think, scarcely to have
been overlooked by so very cunning a workman as
the inventor of the flying machine.

174 MACHINERY.

We have asked Nature what she thought of it^
and she says thus: — ^^Now between oorselves,
(but be sure you don't let it go any further,) my
child, Mr. H. has omitted the chief point to which
you allude, and as I don't think he would be of-
fended, you may as well tell him from me what it
is ; now you see in making birds, bats, and flying
things, we place in the thorax an apparatus- most
powerful, to enable the creature at will to generate
a gas or fluid lighter far than air, and we provide
them with a comparatively very large pouch to fill
with this fluid; and if you look at all these creatures
as they fly, you will perceive they appear as if their
craws were stuffed, in the same way as you do those
poor turkies of mine when you eat them. My son
H. has altogether overlooked this, and the conse-
quence is, he can neither ascend or descend exactly
as he would wish ; for to do the first, he must get
up a very steep hill, ahd I much fear in attempting
the latter manoeuvre he will come down with a
dash he little anticipates ;— just give him this hint,
and also tell him from me, that I seldom or never
cut my bird's feathers square off at the ends ; it is
a bad plan, inasmuch as it destroys the power of
lifting them up and down in a great measure, and
pro-duces weight at the end of the lever, re-ducing
the strength which should be greatest close to the
body: however, don't say any thing to discourage'
him, only tell him that if he will ask me, I will

MACHINERY. 175

smooth his difficulties, or remove them from his
path ; but warn him and his companions never to
disabuse this gift, as it is one which I consider
aoKMig the most valuable of my treasures ; I give it
to society as a means of promoting happiness, and
therefore beg my intention may not be wantonly
perverted.

There is yet a fourth corner of your field which
remains to be explored, but we fear there is not
much to be gleaned, for the crop is still green in
many places, and not half ripe in others. We say
to your &rmers, we are afraid you have not be-
stowed so much care in the cultivation of this quar-
ter as might have been done, but are quite willing
to attribute it to your not having time to attend
to the whole, during the short season allotted to
tillage: however, let us walk up to it, and see
what state the soil is in; this is the agricultural
quarter, and upon examining your machinery for
this department, we are inclined to ask, whether
you only left Robinson Crusoe and his man Friday
at Juan Fernandez last week; because, from the
very primitive nature of your implements and ope-
rations, it occurs to us, that they would better
biecome those renowned personages, than such very
advanced and enlightened people as we think our-
selves. True, your operatives have succeeded in
making your tools, &c., very neat indeed, and some
are highly-finished; — but that all goes for nothing

176 MACHINEBY.

with us; you most certainly appear not to have
taken your lesson in Nature's school, for when she
takes to fiEurming, she does it upon a grand scale at
once ; you, on the contrary, appear to have most
diminutive and contracted notions on the subject ;
and we are morally certain, unless you bestir your^
selves in good earnest, you will be totally smothered
in the march of improvement; even now we doubt
whether the chemist and druggist does not know
more about farming, or rather the profit of the
thing, than you who have spent years in the prac-
tice. Whatever you do, don't let them take the
business out of your hands.

Look at a former volume of ours, and read there
what we say on the matter of applying machinery
to agricultural purposes; what you most require
are air, earth, and water ; Nature has given you all
three in the greatest abundance, and she has given
you wits to invent machinery, to render the ele-
ments subservient to your will; but the fact is,
your wits are so be-fogged with the ale and beer
you swill, when working in this part of your field,
that you see all things double, and nothing as it
really is. Now Nature never made beer, though
she has made wine, — that is to say, the juice of the
grape ; therefore, leave off the " heavy," and open
your eyes for once, while you are amusing your-
selves with farming; for you really are sadly
behind-hand with science and improvement, though

MACHINERY. 177

your operative brethren are treading your shoes
down at heel at every step you take ; they'll be for
kicking you off the ground before long, and if you
once give them an inch in this way, they'll soon
take an ell, and trample you under foot to a
mummy.

Having now surveyed and gleaned as much from
this field of your societal estate as we can well carry
away at one load, all that remains for us is to thank
you for the permission to enter. We cannot but
feel much gratified by the survey, with the sole
exception of the agricultural corner ; and the defect
which exists here not being a natural defect, as
Nature is no where defective, we think it very
capable of remedy, and we beg therefore to draw
your especial attention to the aforesaid corner, the
soil being as rich there as in any part of the field ;
and we are indubitably sure, it will repay any
capital you may please to expend upon it. We
are inclined to attribute much of the evil to the
diet of your farmers and their subordinates; it is
too gross, and tends to deaden the mental capacity
most materially; besides which, their occupations
want organizing and classifying, they are now
much too heterogeneous. Machinery, too, is as
applicable to this department as to any other if you
would try it; be encouraged then, and make the
experiment.

I 3

'■1

CHAP- VII.

ARTIFICIAL MODES OF PROCURING AND APPLYING
NATURAL ACQUIREMENTS.

" You are launching your bark on a wide sea this
time," says a friend of ours, ^' and if you cross it in
safety I for one shall wonder." We think that a few
years ago we heard or read of an adventurous being
who crossed from Dover to Calais or Boulogne, no
matter which, in a boat of his own construction,
propelled by a steam engine of one-horse power ;
and as the authorities there insisted upon his paying
duty upon the machinery, instead of handsomely
rewarding his talent, why he 'bout ship again, and
returned to Dover in safety. This was a much
greater undertaking than ours, therefore we will
take a cruize and see how the land lies.

The first natural requirement which the Bible
and all Nature points to is " Light ;" it appears to
be the Almighty's normal agent, so to speak, in the
great work of creation; as without it Nature lan-
guishes, deformity ensues, and chaos must be the
ultimate result. Begin we then with this great and
to us indispensable blessing; thankfully let us
adore the Supreme Giver, and never lose sight of
Him as the author of every mercy, every comfort,

ARTIFICIAL MODES OF PROCCXaiNO, ETC. 179

and all our appliances to happinesS) temporal or
eternal.

Light, we say, constitutes one of our primary
requirements from the great store-room of Nature ;
all we have to do therefore is to ^^ ask and we shall
receive ;" various have been the methods we have
from time to time adopted to procure this light in
the quickest lapse of time, and most economical
form, but the inventions of the present day seem to
eclipse all the efforts of former ages; and here
again we are constrained to pause in wonder
and admiration, on reflecting how all our greatest
inventions are rapidly tending to that point we
endeavoured to direct your attention to before,
namely, the abrogation of any necessity for destroy-
ing God's creatures, or inflicting pain upon them,
to supply our own requirements. The most admi-
rable feature of our inventions is that they tend to
supersede pain, cruelty, distress, and sorrow; to
lessen toil and labour ; to create repose and happi-
ness. How can we be so blind as not to acknow-
ledge the working of a beneficent providential hand
in all this, — how can we be sufficiently grateful for
the boon?

Formerly, whole hecatombs of sheep and whales
were requisite to supply us with candles and lamps.
See now what God has wrought for us, in caring
for these His creatures ; He has opened the eyes of
our understandings, and taught us the use of gas.

180 ARTIFICIAL MODES OF PROCURING AND

We have through His guidance improved upon this
in the Bude light, and even while we are resting on
this second step, the veil is uplifting from the bee
of electricity, and new wonders are about to be re-
vealed to our astonished gaze from this element,
as a natural source of light. O how can we ever ]
fear to put our trust in Him, who thus in pity to
our wants so gently leads us to the very doors of
his treasure-house ; then bids us ask, and we shall
have, seek, and we shall find, knock, and the doon
shall be opened ? Strong then in faith, let us ad-
vance, and fear shall be turned to love ; trembling,
into gratitude and joy.

There is one point as regards electricity viewed
as a mode of procuring artificial, or to speak more
properly, natural light, which we do not remember
to have ever yet heard discussed, and yet we think
it well worthy of investigation ; it is this, in using
the electric fluid for this purpose, we necessarily
extract and consume the same, and the question we
would put to our friends who make the science their
particular study is this, ^^ How far would an exten-
sive extraction from the atmosphere of the electric
fluid, and the consequent consumption thereof, act
as a preventive of those explosions we are wont to
term " thunderstorms ?" Should the effect we anti-
cipate be realized, here is again another step gained
towards the season of peace and calmness. Going
on with our inquiry, we find that in winter, ue. the

APPLYING NATURAL ACQUIREMENTS. 181

dme when die air is less surcharged with the elec-
tric flaid, than at any other season, the general
health of the mass of society is in the aggregate
much better than in summer, colds and temporary
drawbacks excepted: which are the results nine
times out of ten of our own want of care, and our
allowing poverty to exist to the extent it obtains,
and the making money the standard of all good ;
an act wholly contrary to every rule of Nature.
Thence arises a second question, whether electricity
has or has not much to do with health ? we be-
lieve it has, and to a degree we are but faintly aware
of. Now we arrive at the point at which we left
off, where we advised our medical friends to direct
a careful and diligent scrutiny to this agent of Na-
ture ; and our mode of applying it would be thus,
let your medical gentlemen be permitted to have
access to the prisons for the purpose of trying the
sffects of natural applications, on the health of those
criminals who are sick, always premising that none
)nt men of known integrity, talent, and humanity,
)e employed in the service. On any great disco-
very being made, give the patient, when restored
health, his liberty, on one condition only, viz.
lis leaving the country for ever, and you are to
fford him the means of doing this. What would
»e the result? That criminal would be raised in his
wn estimation; he would be the possessor of a
aost valuable secret; he would at once be restored

182 ARTIFICIAL MODES OF PROCURINO AND

to society, no longer as a curse but a blessing, and
the people among whom he went would receive him
with open arms. The incentive to crime being
superseded by the power of doing good, self-respect
would humble that man, and it is presumed the
banishment from his native land would go far to in-
crease the feeling of humility. Through his instru-
mentality fresh light would be afforded to society^
and another mode of applying and obtaining natu-
ral requirements added to our list.

You may tell us the system would be liable to |.
abuse ; on our own heads it would recoil if we pre-
sumed to pervert the benevolent intention of the
Giver ; it ever was, and ever will be thus, until the
end of time. Let our rulers look well to it there-
fore, and instead of wasting their time in wordy
strife, establish the laws and decrees of that Judge,
before whose bar we and they must one day appear,
to render an account of the light which has been
vouchsafed so abundantly to us.

Another remarkable feature of inventions which
are drawn from the treasures of Nature, is their
great cheapness and wonderful simplicity ; a child
may apply, and an unlearned person manage them
with ease. The facility with which light is pro-
duced by two small pieces of coke or charcoal, each
communicating with a galvanic battery by means
of a slight copper wire, is marvellous ; and the bril-
liancy of the light evolved is comparable only to the

APPLYING NATURAL ACQUIREMENTS. 183

un itself, a single instant serves to kindle, as short
i space to extinguish it. The materials for the for-
mation of the battery are to be had in the greatest
abundance, they are all either natural, or combina^
tions of, natural ingredients, cheap, and most easily
to be obtained. We cannot refrain from thinking,
therefore, that in our over-anxiety to signalize
ourselves by an exhibition of medical and che-
mical talent, we have stepped out of Nature's path,
and overlooked the means which lay at our very
threshold ; running meanwhile after a shadow, and
neglecting the substance which stood behind us.
Retracing our steps then, let us pick up the trea-
sure which now lies at our door ; let us leave preju-
dice and self-wisdom out of doors, and entering, let
us carefully and minutely examine every part of
our subject ; Mature will assist us in every way,
and we shall rise from our studies much wiser even
than we should have been, had we spent the time
in the study of Galen, Hippocrates, or any of the
mystifiers and technicalists of more modern date,
whose theories and practice we daily see nullified
and contradicted by Nature herself.

CHAP. VIIL

CRIME.

In our consideration of this repulsive but impor-
tant topic, it is not our intention to enter much into
detail ; we have throughout the course of this work
rather endeavoured to bring to notice the several
' points, as it were, of the vast field of society in
England, tracing them in a continuous line, with a
view of inducing other more able and talented sur-
veyors to fill up the map, from their own ex-
perience and knowledge of locality, as well as
natural aptitude for the study of minutiae. Nature
requires this difference of talent, and he who sur-
veys the coast^line of any new country, is as useful
a person in his way as the inland surveyor, who
divides the interior, is his particular capacity ; each
has his separate talent, and both combine to effect
the end which shall be generally beneficial to the
community at large. Did we but acknowledge and
act systematically upon this unerring principle in
our every-day occupations, we should save ourselves
much trouble, and a world of anxiety and uneasi-
ness.

In the progress then of our contemplation of the
subject of crime in our own land, we find that in the

CRIME. 185

year 1841 no less than 27,760 persons were com-
mitted for trial in England and Wales only, our
population at the last census being 27 millions;
this gives us about the proportion of one criminal
brought to the judicial bar, out of every thousand
members of society. This seems at first a very
mall proportion, but we have to recollect that there
ite many evil-doers who escape from the strong arm
of the law ; and many whose misdemeanours are
overlooked, or who are dismissed by the magistracy
(m payment of a small fine, or after a few week's
imprisonment, are only reprimanded. Were the
minor laws of our judicial code strictly enforced to
the letter, and the proceeds thereof funded, there
would be no necessity for the impost of an Income
Tax, or for the continuance of the national debt.
Five shillings for every oath uttered; the same
snm for every act of intoxication, would soon wipe
away either the sin, or the tax, and the debt ; both
canoelments being desirable, it is somewhat mar-
vellous that our legislators should be so supine upon
the matter as they now are. Taking the adult
peculation at one fifth nearly of the whole, let us
say for example five millions, and to be under the
mark suppose we presume that on the average each
utters one oath in the course of a year (would that
this were all), this would give us an annual revenue
of 25 millions of shillings or one million two hundred
and fifty thousand pounds sterling per annum.

186 CRIME*

a tolerably large item for a sin-offering, for so smal^-
an island as ours. Supposing only one individual 10
a thousand swears habitually, and he dpes so sevett
times a day, he alone would swear 2555 oaths in
the course of a year ; this would amount to 63&
pounds fifteen shillings, and it is evident from s
a statement as this, that he must either give up thciir
noxious habit, or be imprisoned for life, were
laws against profanity enforced. But we ha^
many gentlemen swearers ; and not to be too sev
upon such well-educated classes, we will pres
they only utter one profane oath per day, just
keep the tongue in practice, these would pay to the
revenue 91 pounds five shillings annually ; a nice
little income-tax, which would not press too hardly
upon them, and still serve to remind them that thSi
tongue is an unruly member. In order to relieve
them from any degree of espionage, we would
allow them to compound at 90 poimds per annum
each, until they gave notice to the assessor that
they had relinquished the habit of profane swearing;
for which they should be obliged to make decla-
ration before a magistrate, and sign a certificate to
the proper effect; every future dereliction to be
upon pain of a penalty of £50 for each ofience.
We fancy that some such law as this would be most
wholesome, it could lead to no harm ; we should be
acting upon the principle of obsta principHs^ and
society would be spared the pain of hearing, and

CRIME. 187

ig 80 frequently shocked, as she now is by the

phemy and profanity of her members. Some

will swear for " fun" only, as they say, — some

mere habit ; but we should recollect that every

is registered, and all resemble an electric

c ; there is more of the fluid where the spark

I from, and that only requires a few more

IS to create an explosion. This when it occurs

iices the foul air of passion; passion is the

-brother of crime, and crime is the parent of

ring punishment and death : but it ends not

I, for it goes on to eternity, and moreover

!S a trace behind it, which death itself cannot

)rs obliterate.

irely then when we see how great a fire a single
: may kindle, we cannot be too earnest in our
avour to remove even what may seem to us so
[ a stumbling-block from out of our brother's
We should remember that a very little stone
sometimes be sufficient to sprain an ancle ; the
: of a needle will occasion lock-jaw, and few
ig us but can adduce instances of even the
fact of two persons accidentally running
ist each other, causing the death of one of
. Swearing may seem a very trifle to many,
t has to many more been the first step on the
to crime and death. And we cannot but
: it to be quite as much the duty of our rulers
magistrates to stop up the avenues to these

188 CRIME.

paths, as it is of the clergy and others to warn their
brethren from pursuing them; those who know-
ingly leave a pit^fieill open, are as culpable as he
who thrusts his neighbour into it Swearing is one \
of Satan's pit^falls, and it is usually one of the first
into which he lures his victims ; for these we should
search, and not leave it to chance for our children
to avoid them, or to presume upon their own
strength to enable them to find a way of escqM
when once they are entrapped. The origin d i
crime was apparently to human understanding a
very small ofience, the mere plucking and eating of
a forbidden fruit; but it was a direct transgression
of the first law of obedience, and the misery whidi j
has accrued to the world from that one act no hu- ;
man tongue can tell. Had it not been for that \
single departure from the straight path of rectitude,
we and all the human race might now be enjoying
the endless bliss of paradise. On earth the doors
of Eden are closed, but when this corporeal scene
shall have passed away, those portals will again un-
fold for the admission only of those, who through
the all-prevailing merits and advocacy of their
Redeemer, find their transgressions pardoned, their
sins blotted out of the book of remembrance, and
their names inscribed on the everlasting pages of
the Lamb's book of life. But if we continue to
allow the pit-falls of the evil one to remain open
when it is in our power to remove them, or shut up

CRIME. 189

1 all access thereto, our names will not be found in

f

that latter book, they will be displayed to our
I agonized view in the former, fairly written and not
: blotted out ; our misery will be enhanced by the
^ piteous lamentations of those who have fallen
' dirough our negligence or indifference, and a hope-
less eternity will be ours. If on the other hand
we have done by our brother as we would wish him
to do by us, how transcendant will be our joy when
: greeted by him at the foot of our Redeemer's
throne ; we hear his voice blessing us, and we join
with him and with the Phalanx of those glorious
spirits of the redeemed ones, in singing ceaseless
Hallelujahs to the King of kings and Lord of
lords.

1

i

*

PART III.

CHAP. L

THE TRAVELLING PHALANX.

Society has decreed that in England a consider^
ible number of her children shall be constantly
occupied in moving from one place to another, and
ler commercial members finding their business re-
luiring such an arrangement, have gradually slid as
t were into the practice of keeping a race of beings
onstantly employed in locomotion. These gentle-
len are known by the name of commercial tra*
ellers, and from the nature of their occupation,
ad the extended facilities of intercourse they enjoy,
; might feirly be expected that much good might
e done, directly and prospectively, through their
ifluence; but this happens, like many other of the
ecrees of society, to tail in the attainment of the
est end in view. Pecuniarily they are of great
se to their employers, to trade, and the publican ;
at there we stop, just, in our humble opinion, at
lie very point at which we ought to set out. From

192 THE TRAVELLING PHALANX.

this it is most perspicuously clear, that there il^^
something wrong in the system. Viewing the no6
externally only, we see rather a superior-looluiig
class of men, some most decidedly so, and we won-
der how men of such intellectual countenance, good
address, and gentlemanly appearance, can consent
to tie themselves down to such a loose dissipated
life as the majority of them usually lead.

We are perfectly certain the foult is not in nature,
a glance at the men would give the lie to such an
idea at once ; nevertheless the evil exists, and those
who are in the habit of frequenting commercial
hostelries, can amply testify to the grievous extent
of that evil. That the effects call loudly for reform
none can doubt; the only question is, how refor-
mation is to be brought about? and we are of
opinion that some such plan as we recommended m
our chapter on Inns and Innkeepers would go fu
to check, if not in time effectually to remedy, the
undeniable inconvenience to which we allude. That
the generality of travellers, who had hitherto been
accustomed to consider themselves at liberty to keep
a whole establishment up all night as well as in the
day-time ; to look upon the female attendants as
fair game for their unhallowed passions, and to
create confusion wherever they went, would admire
our arrangement we do not for^a moment expect;
but we assert this, that one of two things would,
under such an organization as ours, occur, viz.,

i

THE TRAVELLING PHALANX. 193

either from the absence of any incitement to their
former method, the tendency to commit folly would
be dormant, and give time for thought, reflection,
and better feeling ; or, disgusted with being as they
might consider it, kept under ^ they would quit the
service, and give way to a still more superior race
(tf persons, who would perceive their own interest
in doing good instead of evil, as well as the general
benefit which such conduct would confer on society.
It matters not to Society or Nature the value of a
straw who their travellers are, so long as they are
men of undoubted integrity, talent, and respectabi-
lity ; therefore one set is as good as another, pro-
vided the above requisites are obtainable ; conse-
quently their existence is purely ephemeral, and
the supply will under any circumstances keep pace
with the demand.

Then again, we do not see why a particular edu-
cation should not be as desirable for this race of men
as for any other; their duties now are most trifling,
labour there is next to none, and a vapidness of
mind results, which leads them to seek in artificial
stimulus and excitement that mental ease which, by
the nature of their business, they are deprived of.
True it is that their occupation is purely secular,
but they might act as home lay-missionaries to the
greatest possible advantage, both to themselves and
the community. Now we grant the idea would be
as absurd and ridiculous in the extreme, as that of

VOL. III. K

194 THE TRAVELLING PHALANX.

Satan teaching righteousness to sin* But we think
that if a Phalanstery were set on foot, for the sole
purpose of educating those who by inclination and
general aptitude were fitted for the end we had in
view ; and if they entered upon the duties of their
office in a proper spirit ; if too, in addition, they
found at each place of public accommodation, in
lieu of the present commercial inn, a Phalanstery,
or club, where the inducement to evil was absent;
where a good and well furnished library was pre-
pared for their convenience and amusement ; where
a museum of models, patterns, &c., was open at ail
times to their inspection ; and many minor advan-
tages procurable, which never could exist on our
present plan; we say it is our firm opinion we^
should, in two or three years time, have the great
gratification of seeing the commercial traveller raised
as much above his present position in the social
scale, as the officers of the railway establishments
are above the coachmen and ostlers of our inns of
the olden time. And the same query would then
be applicable to the existing race of travellers, which
now is to the aforesaid coachmen, &c., t. e. where
are they gone to ? vanished they are, like caterpil-
lars, though they are not defunct ; they have only
changed their skins^ and the improvement is most ma-
nifest to dlL

Thus we see again, by acting upon the natural
principle of progressive advancement, we are ena-

THE TRAVELLING PHALANX. 195

bled to remedy divers evils, which on our first be-
iolding them appeared insurmountable. Mark us,
we do not say that our measure would be perfection^
bat that it would be one step gained towards the
end, and every step on that road is valuable. There
18 an old Scotch proverb, quaint, but very much to
the point, it is this, ^^ He wha ettles to win to th'
; top o' th' ladder, is sure to win up some staves o't
at ony rate." Thus we, in our endeavours to climb
up the ladder of perfection, hope to attain some de-
gree of eminence in this world. Nature stands by
ready to aid us, and the more we try, the higher
shall we attain.

Objections may be raised to the mixture of secu-
lar and more serious occupation, but such an obsta-
cle being top-heavy, falls to the ground by its own
weight. Your lay-deacons knock it down in a mo-
ment; and why a commercial traveller should not
be a competent person to teach in a Sunday-school
on that holy day, or to assist in any religious service
or meeting, we confess that we are unable to assign
any efficient reason ; that they are not, is no reason
why they should not be ; and that they are not, we
think is more the fault of society, and the system,
or, to speak more properly, the waTit of system,
than the fault of the class itself. Hitherto we have
looked upon them as a sort of nondescript, an ano-
maly, — neither gentleman or servant, and herein
we have acted most unjustly, their occupation has

k2

196 THE TRAVELLING PHALANX.

nothing naturally menial or degrading about it; on
the contrary, it is highly respectable in every sense
of the word) and their real station in society would I
be much upon a level with that of the first-mate on I
board a merchantman, if we gave them their due ; \
and we very much question whether the mere fact \
of our being constantly in the habit of alluding to
them as a body in a slighting, disrespectful, and
disparaging manner, has not gone &,r to produce
the very result which induces us to do so; first, by
eradicating or destroying their own self-respect,
and secondly, by acting as a preventive to men of
higher intellectual powers, who might otherwise be
inclined to enter upon the profession of a commer-
cial traveller, for profession it ought to be. It is
well worth our while to bestow a few thoughts on
this head.

CHAP. II.

THE EMIGRATING PHALANX.

If instead of disgracing ourselves as a Christian
nation, by an annual grant to the Roman Catholic
College of Maynooth, we were to apply the same
fund to the founding of a school or college of
Emigration in our Transatlantic or Australian
colonies, or both, for the purpose of educating
upon the spot persons who should hereafter be
appointed as the governors or heads of our colonial
Phalansteries, we should not only evince wisdom,
but the Divine Source of all wisdom would bless
our undertaking. Now that blessing is most mani-
festly withheld, for not only is Ireland torn to
pieces by the Legion whereby she is possessed,
but we, by our wickedness in fostering that Legion,
are in our turn alike suffering from a similar visita-
tion ; and this must be, as it ever is, the manner of
God's dealing with us, viz. the commission of sin
will always and in every case bring with it its own
punishment. Our rulers may use as much sophis-
try as they please, they may endeavour to pervert the
truth or mystify it, but do what they will the truth
vfiWi rise to the surface, for it will not be hidden.
The Maynooth grant is wholly indefensible on any

198 THE EMIGRATING PHALANX

solid ^ound, and the benefit of the transfer to
which we allude^ would be most clearly discernible
from the moment of our making the decision. Few
we imagine are there who would not perceiye the
advantage of our Emigration collie ; take one
probable source of good as an eicample ; — ^instead
of sending out our tens of thousands incongmouslyy
and setting them down in the midst of a vast wil-
derness without a guide, without a pastor, without
house or shelter, as we now do, — suppose we were
to send them by systematic divisions of 5 or 800
or 1,200, regularly classed, supplied with a cargo
of houses and furniture, and every requisite ; and
on their arrival at the place of colonization, they
were to find that suitable officers, who had been
educated in the country, and therefore were
well acquainted with the locality, the climate, the
quality of soil, and such useful knowledge, were
on the spot, and had already set up their church
and dwellings ; and instead of the howling desert,
your emigrants found a neat comfortable building
as a Phalanstery, or a village if you please, was
ready for their reception. Would not, in such a
case, the benefit of the Phalansterian principle be
most indisputable? and let us further ask those
who have the regulation of these matters, is not
this what you had much rather your brother should
do to you, than that which you now do to him ?
We still assert that our land is amply sufficient

THE EMIGRATING PHALANX. 199

to maintain its own population, but there are many
who by nature are fitted especially for emigration
to other climes; and here we again trace the
admirable working hand of the Almighty; it is
His will that the light of the blessed Gospel shall
be spread among all nations, but the promiscuous
method of colonization we now adopt, would go
fax to extinguish that light, even in the hearts of
those of our emigrants where it once shone ; and
thus we see our efforts fail when u^ think we have
done all we could to secure their success : but, in
the first place, God has not been in any^ instead of
all our thoughts. We speak superficially of emi-
gration as a means of spreading Christianity, but
how do we set to work in reality ? Is the method
we adopt at all adapted to that great end, or is that
end our Jirst object? assuredly neither. Our pri-
mary motiye is to get rid of a pecuniary burden, a
pauper population, whose poverty is solely the
result of our own mismanagement ; and we reap as
we sow, heartless disappointment, vexation, and
an increase of our burden; whereas, did we but
accept the guidance of our Heavenly Benefactor,
He would open the windows of His store-house,
and pour us out a blessing that there would not be
room enough to receive it. It is nonsense for us
to say we do not see how ; it is arrogant presump-
tion to ask — " Can God spread a table in the wil-
derness?'* We have His holy word for the truth of

200 THE EMIGRATING PHALANX.

the promise) and His promise never fiuled as yet
The way we have just described is a most ampk
and easy method, and adopted with a single eye to
God's glory^ would as assuredly be effectiye to the
end we aim at, as our present method is injurious,
unjust to our emigrant brethren, and unwarrantable
upon any scriptural ground.

You may tell us it is impossible. Why ? say we.
Oh, the expense ; — ^your emigrating expenses «re
enormous now ; — but who is to provide the hooses,
furniture, &c? You, the State, as a matter of
equity and right But where's the money to come
from? From the coffers of the rich, and the advo-
cates for emigration. What return do your emi-
grants make you now for your outlay ? None. Bat
suppose you sent them out houses manufactured
here by some of your surplus hands, and those
houses, when once planted, furnished you with an
annual renti would not that be return for your
capital at once^ and for a capital which makes m
return now? There can be no doubt upon the sub-
ject Then, again, instead of the enormous destruo-
tion of timber in our colonies, which is now resorted
to, to clear the land for cultivation, we should
require the whole of it for the floating islands we
named to you a short while ago. Nature never
made any thing for purposes of waste, and we waste
one half of her gifts, because it gives us some trou-
ble to discover her intention without a search ! the

THE EMIGRATING PHALANX. 201

search itself is not troublesome, but still we want to
, be taught without learning, and say what we will,
we are just as babyish now in this respect in great
matters, as we were in respect of minor affairs in
our childhood's earliest hours. Self-gratification
must be our alUengrossing thought, and this as a
matter of necessity defeats its own aim, simply
because we seek it where Nature never placed it ;
we look for it in our own aggrandizement, and the
depression of others. Nature takes all by the hand,
and lifts up each and every one at the same time,
all preserving their respective differences of grada-
tion notwithstanding. As soon as ever we begin to
act thus, does she instantly afford us every facility;
and upon viewing any matter which lies within the
range of man's understanding in such a light as
this, we see the mist of obscurity gradually fading
away, and the mountain of impossibility, which we
thought was close at hand and barring all our pro-
gress, is miles and leagues away in the far distance,
and we are immediately reminded of those blessed
and animating sentences of our Bible, — ^^ with God
nothing shall be impossible;" and ^^ if ye shall have
fiEUth as a grain of mustard-seed, and shall say unto
this mountain" f of impossibility J, "remove hence,
and it shall obey you."

We have, in reliance upon this blessed word,
endeavoured both to show you how easily home
labour may be obtained for our poor, and a proper

k3

202 THE EMIGRATING PHALANX.

home prepared for our emigprant population ; home
employment again in its turn would lessen the
number, and improve the description and character
of the emigrants. Nature's action is here likewise
perceptible, as all classes would, in the develope-
ment of our plan, be raised in equal and just pro-
portion, from their present wretched and most
lamentable condition. The will of society is the
only obstacle to the progress of the machine.

CHAP. III.

THE FINANCIAL PHALANX.

Those who sit in high places, must pardon us
f we presume to give an opinion, not upon their
ibility to perform the duties of their respective
(ffices, but as to the applicability of those offices to
he station they hold, and the requirements which
oeiety demands at their hands in various ways,
rrespective of the seats they occupy. We have
ireviously hinted at an idea, that the Chancellor of
lie Exchequer should not in his official capacity
ave any thing to do with law-maAtn^, and we still
ly, we cannot reconcile this latter accomplishment
ith the duties of his especial vocation. The same
^rnark would hold good with regard to many other
F the officers of State, and we think that one only
I their number should take hb seat in the legis-
itive assembly, as the representative of the whole,
ad* that one should be First Lord of the Treasury.
Leasons diverse and manifold crowd around us in
ipport of the hypothesis : first in serial order, is
lat most important fact ^Hhat they have quite
Qough to do, if they do all they ought, without
laking laws." And we are quite positive that as
liey now go to work, they have so many irons in

204 THE FINANCIAL PHALANX.

the fire^ or on the stove^ at one and the same time,
that they don't know which to lay hold of first ; and
those they do lay hold of, often convey such a
superabundance of caloric to their digital extre-
mities, as to be quite unpleasant; in plain English,
they sometimes bum their fingers desperately, and
the irons likewise. Now we are quite sure we are
treading upon firm and safe ground when we assert,
that the Finance Phalanstery, or department, or
whatever other name you please to bestow upon it,
of a kingdom which produces 52 millions of pounds
sterling of annual revenue, has nothing, or rather
ought to have nothing to do with any other conside*
ration than that of pounds, shillings, pence, far-
things, and their relative foreign or domestic re-
presentatives. As to legislation, the two are as
distinct as fire and water, and the very attempt to
mix them kicks up a dust ; thus we see one honor-
able member moving in the lower House for cash
returns, which the very member who has the return
to make votes shan't be made. This is most essen-
tially wrong ; the honorable member who has to
make the returns ought to have no voice in the
matter, and no place in the House ; his represen-
tative the Premier ought to be required to make
the return, and to answer for the expenditure of the
State in his single person only ; the rest are his
stewards, majors domoy or any thing else ; and he,
the premier aforesaid, is answerable for all his

THE riNANCIAL PHALANX. 205

establishment : therefore in our zeal for the good
cause of order and regularity, we beg leave to
move that ** a Financial Phalanx be forthwith con-
stituted) app6inted, and established ; that the High
Governor thereof be the Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer for the time being; that a building be set
apart for the official residence of the Right Honor-
able Gentleman and his Honorable Colleagues in
office, but out o/*the Houses of Parliament.

And furthermore we beg leave to suggest, that
Somerset House, unless it be converted into a
second Greenwich Hospital, be appropriated for the
" National Exchequer or Financial Phalanstery.''
The situation of the aforenamed palace being
" mighty handy" for the progress of public business,
for facility of access, either by land or by water,
and the internal adaptation -to the requirements of
the nature of the office quite striking in every
point of view. Situated in a most convenient spot
for public business of any kind, either as regards the
Palaces, the Legislative Houses, the Civic Mansion,
the National Bank, the different public offices, no
place could be more admirably suited for our present
purpose than this; and we entreat the attention
of our Right Honourable friend aforesaid to the
wonderful, natural, as well as artificial appliances,
which present themselves in favour of our sugges-
tion ; a fresh proof this, if any were needed, of the
truth of our theory, that if we would but keep our

206 THE FINANCIAL PHALANX.

eyes open, and look about us carefully, how many
discoveries we should but make in the easiest way
in the world ; which we, with our eyes half closed
and our mouths widely gaping, never can discern,
though we labour at it for years.

Now we verily believe that were a Separatist at our
elbow, he would be the first to upset his own theory
by telling us, if we parted the exchequer from the
legislation we should do an infinity of mischief, and
that division was the cause of all sorts of evils, and
so forth. Now in reply we beg to inform him, that
an acid and an alkali, as we hinted a page or two
ago, form an agreeable mixture, — separately taken,
they are unpleasant ; but we never asserted that
aZZ fluids or substances were the better for com-
minglement ; on the contrary we know that many
are not, yet we mix them, and find out our mistake
in the most natural manner. Thus we often drink
a bottle of Claret, or of that nauseous compound we
call Port wine ; having done that, we drink a cup
or two of strong coffee, and devour sundry small
items of bread and butter. Now let any one take
a bowl or basin, and mingle these four ingredients,
to wit : the red wine, the coffee, the bread, and the
butter (we have forgotten the sugar and cream,
which make six), and if Nature does not revolt at
the flavour, as well as the sight thereof, we have
done, that's all. Therefore, though we advocate
the principle of mixing two opposite ingredients to

THE FINANCIAL PHALANX. 207

make an useful compound, as Nature does some-
times, still we opine that we do now and then both
in our Legislative-houses, and other public esta-
blishments, make such odd and atrocious mixations
as fairly to make the whole body, in its social, poli-
tical, and domestic relations, heartily sick : and it
is with a view of avoiding this catastrophe, which is
an unnatural convulsion, that we recommend the
systematic organization and regular classification of
every department of the State into distinct Phalan-
steries ; each having one particular object to pay
attention to, and all uniting upon the grand and
fandamental principle of doing to others as they
would be done unto. Our present finance is too
much mixed up with the other offices of the State,
and the amount of business daily, nay hourly,
increasing as it does, forces strongly upon our at-
tention the necessity for some clearer and more
definite mode of transacting the afiairs of so very
important a department than that now in use.

We may be told that we know nothing about the
matter, and that it would be agreeable if we would
mind our own business ; to this we reply, public
business is public property, and we have looked on
at di^erent games sufficiently long to form a shrewd
guess, that many an advantage is overlooked which
might have been taken in the course of the many
moves that are made ; and if money is the stake,
there is not the slightest doubt that much might be

208 TH£ FINANCIAL PHALANX.

saved and still more won. And we again repeat
our conviction, that legislation and finance are an
incongruous mixture in the detail, however requi-
site they may be to each other's aggregate stability.
A man may be a first-rate financier, and may by
his one talent save his country from ruin ; and as
a legislator he may ruin his country by inability or
clumsiness ; another may be the worst financier on
the iace of the earth, but a most admirable states-
man and politician; the two acting combinedly in
their separate spheres will do their country good;
mingle their duties, and the country may be
poisoned. Let every thing therefore be done in
its own regular order.

^

CHAP. IV.

THE PREVENTIVE PHALANX.

Those of our readers who on seeing the title of
liis dutpter, conjure up to their imagination divers
Mirty square built figures, in round blue jackets
ir a P coat, and an oil-skin *^ sou'-wester" on the
lead of the animal, will have to dismiss the phan-
tom as soon as he appears, for his presence is not
required as yet; therefore we will send for him
^hen it is. Our preventive-service men and women,
— yes, women, — why not? — will be very diflFer-
ently employed from they of the customs, or him
of the alphabet, who pervades the streets of our
towns with great A, little a, and bouncing B on
either side of the throat-collar; thereby evincing
unto all passer's-by how much he knows of the
matter, and of his vernacular tongue; a striking
proof this, if any proof were absent, of the ** march"
of letters, figures and literature in the nineteenth
century. But let us look to our own police. By
" preventive " we understand the literal interpreta^
don of the principle recommended by our friend
wrho sent us the motto of " Obsta principiis* the
>ther day, and we think that prevention of crime is
l)etter than the punishment thereof any day in the

210 THE PREVENTIVE PHALANX.

et

year. Thugi instead of the society for prevent ^
of cruelty to animals, who wait until the cmeltf
committed, and then go to law to prevent what
taken place ; or the society for the suppression
vice, who act upon exactly the same principle
locking the stable-door after their horse is stok
and putting the key in their pockets for fear of il
following the horse aforesaid ; we would establish
<^ Preventive " Phalanx or associative body, not
the suppression of riots, — ^not for eradicating vice,-
not for legislating about dog-carts, or the wret
sufferers of the horse-kind, — ^but for the sole pu^^
pose of removing every possible stick and ston^
over which our brethren in society might stumble;
thereby acting upon our old plan of taking away
the incentive, and thus removing the effect. ^^ Im-
possible," says the legislator and political econo-
mist Nothing is easier, say we, and if you will
only give us the authority, we will put down iJl
dog-carts in six weeks from the time you read this.

Begging the pardon of the public, we must say
that such ridiculous absurdities as dog-cart legisla-
tion ought never to be brought before the honour-
able Houses of Parliament; it is an insult upon
society, to think that she cannot of her own accord
put a stop at once to the atrocity, without summon-
ing the strong arm of the law to her aid. But tiie
principle with us Englishmen is always ^^ wait and
see ;" so we waity and when we see that somebody

THE PREVENTIVE PHALANX. 211

illed either by a dranken brawl in a gin-shop,
hf the bite of a mad over-driven dog, we then
Bbk it is high time to <^ do something ;" though
' 'flpione of 118 k even then prepared to say what ought
^''^^ be done. After the emeuie has subsided we
lit and see ** until a fresh incentive for action
in the form of another fellow-creature, or
ice a dozen, dead. So we then consult the
ite afr^, he consults the legislature, they
suit the opposition, and the opposition kick the
hoiA to the dogs or the dog-carts. The owners
[of the latter bless the kickers, and curse the med-
dlers with their " warmint " prerogative. A great
deal of money is spent to no purpose, and this we
clQl legislating usefully. Now our preventive-so-
ciety men and women should first set down, but
not in malice extenuate, every oath pro£anely
^ken which they hear ; they should petition our
legislature (if the law-making body must absolutely
be consulted on such frivolous topics) to put such a
tax on dogs and dog-carts, as should effectually
banish both out of the kingdom. Moreover we
hold that if half the advice we have given were
acted upon, dog-carts would be so utterly useless
and burdensome, that none but fools would ever
think of adopting such articles for use. Neither
would the coa^-carts in the Midland counties be
wanted, and a most fruitful source of horrible cru-
elty, depravity, and crime, would thereby be effec-

212 THE PREVENTIVE PHALANX.

tually obviated; the demand for them would c

and no one would then think of offering a 8iippty*«n2

AgaiU) the principal occupation of our preventit
people would be^ to search out and destroy wb
ever they found it, any thing which might tei
to incite crime ; and at the same time they shoi
not do as the police of the present day do, viz.,
^^ if you do this or that I'll grab you, and take y
to jail;" but they should say <^this or that is c(Ni-|,
trary to law, do it not therefore." If they theBk
were asked what should be done instead, we would
not point to the workhouse, but to the Phalanstery,
and say, *^ Go there and be taught a more profitable
and more righteous mode of life." Cruelty there b
never required, it could not for a moment exist, for
every rule and law of the institution tends to abro-
gate all idea of cruelty or oppression ; and by doing
away with all motive or incitement for the commis-
sion of evil, it necessarily follows that the prevention
of the major proportion of evil must ensue as a nar
tural consequence ; and we think that by plucking
off the buds of swearing, lying, small pilfering, &c.
&c., we shall do away in a great measure with the
crop; not but what the buds will appear again,
that is inevitable, but they must again be plucked
off, and the sap of the tree, which is the disposition
of man, should be directed into more legitimate and
useful channels, or allowed* only to flow freely
towards such fruit as we know to be essentially good.

THE PREVENTIVE PHALANX. 213

Certainly we should require more care and attention
im the part of our legislative, magisterial, and pre-
^ntive gardeners than we now obtain ; and doubt-
less they would blunder a little in the outset of their
%ipplication of a new system of mental floriculture ;
Imt never mind that, if they were willing and dili-
gent, and consulted their Bibles ana tne vast book
^ Nature, they would soon be first-rate adepts, and
the progress they made would so delight them, that
iRrhat was at first only a task, would become their
greatest pleasure, and each would vie with the other
in trying which could keep his garden in the best
order. We should then see a race of men thus
occupied, who made it their sole study and amuse-
ment ; horses, foxes, and dogs, would sink far into
the shade, when placed in comparison with such
an endless source of recreation, profit, and pros-
perity, and our preventive-service would be what it
ought literally to be, a prevention^ and not a re-
medy ; whereas at present it has not even a legiti-
mate claim to the latter appellative.

The police of our time may be likened unto a
man who keeps loading and firing at the top of a
tree, in the hope of bringing it to the ground at
last ; we, on the other hand, would cut the cum-
berer down to the stump, and set the police to work
at grubbing up the roots of it Which is the better
or the more effective method ? If you license a gin-
shop, your conscience tells you you are encouraging

214 THE PREVENTIVE PHALANX.

crime ; if you make the gin-shop itself q, crime,
kill the cause, and cut down the tree ; sprouts
arise, you say, — true, — but grub up the roots
there remains nought for the sprouts to arise i
and if there was no gin for men to drink, men >
not drink gin, that is morally certain; but,
say, they would find something else equally
ful. Well, that is a sprout^ take that away
and then you will acquit your conscience,
qualify yourself for a situation in the honoi
" Preventive Phalanx."

'■^m CHAP. V.

ise:

TH£ MAGISTERIAL PHALANX.

Much that we have suggested in the chapter
mediately preceding this, will be found equally
>plicable to the magistracy of the land in which
live ; and the adoption of a Phalansterian police
-Would greatly relieve the burden they are now
obliged to bear, as well as facilitate their ultimate
end. A magistrate's duty in the present day is
somewhat of the oddest, for if he really did his
duty to the Divine law, to the law of his country,
^nd to his neighbour, the chances are that he would
at times find himself in any thing but an agreeable
position, either with regard to conscience, society.
Or individuals. We disapprove wholly of the clergy
as occupants of the magisterial bench, excepting
only when am of their ovm profession be the subject
for the exercise of their authority; but we think that
a man who is qualified to act as a dispenser of the
laws, and as a judicial recognisant of crime, ought
to be as thoroughly pious and righteous a person
as he who officiates in the temple of his Divine
master : no other than these have any moral right
to sit as judges upon the actions of their fellow-
creatures, and we have mistaken greatly in the

216 THE MAGISTERIAL PHALANX.

qualification, which as a society we have establis
as rendering a man fit to exercise the authority i
a magistrate. We would therefore take the wl
matter entirely out of the hands of those who
retain it, as a body; individually, there are dot
less many who are eminently qualified for
office; we could point out numbers; but as a
they are as indisputably misappropriated;
education, and occupation alone, unfit thorn for
station; and we would consequently
the establishment of^a Magisterial Phalanx tt|
solid associative principles.

An education expressly adapted to this pi
should be first deemed indispensably necessary;
and we see no reason why a man should not take al
magisterial degree at either university, as well as al
Master of Arts, which nine times out of ten means
nothing at all. Having done this, he should be!
considered eligible as a candidate for the office^
which should decidedly be stipendiiEury, and should
occupy the whole of his time, inasmuch as the duties
of the clergy take up their time. By doing this we
should at once instate a superior race of persons in
the office ; not superior in rank, fortune, or other
adventitious considerations, but in point of fitness
for the post he was destined to occupy. The
labour, in conjimction with the "preventive ser-
vice," would be materially lessened from what a
magistrate's toil now is ; their influence in society

THE MAGISTERIAL PHALANX. 217

>iild be a most valuable acquisition, and the
ice itself a very honourable distinction. It would
fact form a connecting link between the pulpit
'ttid the woolsack, — a space which is now occupied
by the £alse links of a heterogeneous magistracy,
which is no profession whatsoever, and the barris-
ters and solicitors. A new profession would thus
be open to society, just at the very time when she
begins to cry out that all the rest are overflowing,
and that she does not know what to do with her
fiunily. We, therefore, acting upon the principle
of Nature, beg respectfully to submit to her con-
sideration the new office of the magistrate, as one
worthy of her sons, dignified and honourable in
every point of view ; and as Nature always raises
every class at the same time in due gradation, thus
we would then require a more intelligent race of
magistrates' clerks, likewise stipendiary. The
police, to be effective, must also be of a higher
stamp, and as an inseparable consequence in the
working of Nature's laws, the delinquents them-
selves must either rise in the same scale, or cease
to be delinquents, and thus vanish from the scene.
Nature, if you examine her works closely, never
does any thing by fits and starts, as we do. Take
a tree, for instance, as an emblem of society, how
does she act there? Why, every branch, every
root, and every leaf, are all rising or enlarging at
one and the same time, and at the identical moment

VOL. III. L

218 THE MAGISTERIAL PHALANX.

3C_

tit:

ir

Qc :

■>.

the whole of the stem is increasing in size, length
ways, in breadth, and diagonally. Now we dof
exactly the reverse, for we want to keep down one
portion of society to make giants of the other or
ourselves, and the result is obvious ; we make a '
creature with a beautiful face, it is true, but with
the most hideous distorted limbs which can by pos-
sibility be imagined, and it goes on halting and
blundering in its gait at a most fearful pace, threat- '^
ening every moment to topple over in its unseemly ^
progress ; yet we stick up this image for our wor- 1^^
ship, and like the Ephesians of old with their [
goddess Diana, we stop our ears with one accord if ^^
any body dares to raise a doubt about the divinity
of the idol, and run about exclaiming, — ^^ Great is
^ Society' of the Englishmen !" great indeed it is,
but it is a most mis-shapen giant, and it rules us
with a most tyrannic sway. Princes, potentates,
Lord and Commons, all bow down daily, and pour
out their sacrifices at its shrine ; and hecatombs of
victims &il to satiate its ravening destructive appe-
tite. The magistrate is a most diligent purveyor
for its cravings, an active priest in the temple of
the idol. But " down with it," we would say, and
in the place thereof let us erect an altar, not to the
" Unknown God," but to Him whose laws we pro-
fess allegiance unto, and let us appoint fit persons
to minister at that altar, and dispense His laws to
the worshippers at that altar. A partial organiza^*

^

THE MAGISTERIAL PHALANX. 219

ion of the magisterial body would be of no use,
or the Phalansterian system admits not of doing
iny thing by halves; either make the tree good,
ind its fruit good, or let the tree be corrupt, and
ts fruit corrupt; we must do either the one or the
>tber, for a corrupt tree cannot bear good fruit; —
:his we know to be not only the word of Him who
lever erred, but our own daily and hourly expe-
dience amply corroborates the truth of the axiom.

That our present magisterial efforts entirely fail
in their aim, is most eminently proved by the state
of our prisons, our workhouses, and our streets;
there is no blessing upon them, and each succeed-
ing year the tree continues to bear, more fruit it is
true, but of a most poisonous and unwholesome
quality ; crime flourishes abundantly, and this is a
suflBcient proof that the means we use to destroy
it are wholly inadequate to the end. Wisdom
therefore says, " Look about you, and try if you
cannot find a better path; your end is praiseworthy,
but you will never reach it by the road you are
now travelling." We do not need this to be twice
repeated ; there can be no question as to the ineffi-
cacy of our magisterial labours, and though they
may serve to fill up a gap in our " hours of idle-
ness," the responsibility of their nature is too
weighty to allow us to take up or lay them down
thus triflingly or occasionally. By a systematic
combination with other institutions established on

L 2

220 THE MAGISTERIAL PHALANX.

the same system, the Magisterial Phalanx mig
of the greatest possible benefit to society. Ai
now, it has neither system or effect; it is 1
smouldering fire, which conveys an idea of
but which foils to impart any degree of warm)
thb is decidedly an evil, but the corrective
our own power.

%

CHAP. VI.

THE JUDICIAL PHALANX.

It must be confessed that Society evinces more
good sense, and much more than her usual caution,
in the selection of the Judges of her land, and in
doing this she is much to be commended ; more-
over, they who are appointed to this important
office are, for the most part, men of sound learning,
tried integrity, and distingubhed alike by their
talents, their high bearing, and the impartiality
mth which they discharge the duties of their Toca-
tion. Their position, although dignified and truly
lonourable, is by no means an enviable distinction,
tnd the awful responsibility which rests with him
vho has the lives of his fellow-creatures at his dis-
)osal, or who in the unbiassed exercise of his func-
ion is compelled to administer the highest penalty
irhich the law can inflict, is a weight which few
Fould voluntarily take up ; and those who bear the
»urden for us, whatever be their minor failings,
re entitled at once to our respect, our gratitude,
nd consideration. We are bound by every feeling
f honour to support them in their position, and, as
ir as in us lies the power, to lessen their labours,
nd enlighten their path. There is among them

I

222 THE JUDICIAL PHALANX.

more of the developement of the Phalansterian
principle than in most other classes of society; they
address each other as brethren, and they practically
evince to us the great advantage derivable from the
fact of "keeping the bundle of sticks together.**
By acting thus, they form one of the most united,
and consequently the strongest classes of the com-
munity. Men may assail the magistracy, they may
destroy the police, but when our Phalanx of Judges
rises up against them, of what avail are their most
powerful weapons ? We might long ere this have
profited largely by the example which they afford
us in more ways than one ; their combination is one
admirable point to be considered; another is their
constant practice of adaiowledging and seeking
the Divine aid previously to commencing their
often arduous duties ; not only do they seek wisdom
from above in the retirement of the closet, but they
are not, like too many of us, afraid of openly con-
fessing, in the midst of the congregation, that they
look to one source alone for that wisdom.

It is probable that they may sometimes err in
judgment, and there are cases on record where
they have fearfully erred; — ^this should teach us
humility, and the danger of depending upon our
own mistaken fsdlible judgment Much, very mudi
of this difficulty might, under a better regulation
of the duties of the magistrate, be obviated ; there
would be less danger of wrong conclusions, and if

THE JUDICIAL PHALANX. 223

tome such plan as that we have lately brought for-
murd were generally adopted, the duties of the
Judge would be materially lightened, much valu-
able time saved, and a considerable portion both of
suspense and pecuniary cost entirely taken away.
Besides this, the nature of his judgment would be
in a great degree changed from what it now from
necessity and custom must inevitably be; for in-
gtance, whatever be the evidence, and however
conclusive it may be, however opposed to equity
I the law proves itself, the Judge has now no alterna-
tive but to pass such a sentence upon the criminal
^ the law enacts, not as the case in many instances
would rationally require. Again, if a crime is com-
mitted, of which not the smallest doubt remains,
still, if the chain of evidence be incomplete, the
Judge is compelled by the law, and against his own
conscience, to give the culprit the benefit of the
flaw; — this is considered by some as one of the
most beautiful features in our judicial legislation ;
but it is a mistaken beauty, a false glory, it is that
with which the Prince of darkness arrays himself
when he wishes to represent an angel of light.
Such practice is not in accordance with the Divine
law, and therefore the deviation must work its own
subsequent evil in society, instances of which are
constantly occurring*

Objections have been started against the "pomp
and circumstance" attendant upon the entrance of

224 THE JUDICIAL PHALANX.

the Judge into a provincial town on his dreait;
so far from thinking with the objectors, we are of ^
opinion that sufficient respect is not paid to thenii
either as individuals, or with reference to their high
office; and we consider the falling off in this respect!
from the practice of our forefathers, a manifest proof
of modern degeneracy. We would, if it were left
to our management, attach as much solemnity and
splendour to the Judicial progress, as should place
it next in importance to a Royal progress; although
in the Phalansterian rank the Judicial holds only
the fourth degree, the Regal being the first, — ^the
Legislative second, — the Ministerial or clerical,
the key-stone of the whole edifice, the third, —
and the Judicial, as we have said, the fourth po-
sition ; but as neither the Legislative nor the Cleri-
cal require any particular external addition to their
public goings forth, we should of course allot the se-
cond place, in this respect, to our Judicial brethren,
and all that could be done to give dignity or con-
sequence to their station should most willingly be
proffered. The expense would be first objected to;
to this we would say, ^^ and a most excellent lesson
we should thereby learn," because it would afford
us additional stimulus to behave orderly, and lessen
the necessity for the visitation of the Judge. Again
would the favourite maxim of cur's, " prevention,"
step in, and we would tell those who talk of the
expense of the Judge's progress and the assizes, it

THE JUDICIAL PHALANX. 225

IS your own fault, if you will but put a stop to
crime, you take away the necessity for the assizes at
once ; and where there is no assize there manifestly
can be no Judge, at least not in his official capacity ;
and where this was the case, there would be neither
the expense of progress or assize. So that we see
the matter is in our own hands after all, if we would
but think so ; by allowing crime we allow police ;
by admitting them, we give our magistracy work ;
by doing these, we fill our jails, by that we bring
on expense and the necessity for the Judge ; and
then we turn round upon the corruption of human
nature, and wonder what makes it so unendurable.
Just as a child, who has played with a knife until
it has cut its fingers, blames the knife, when its
parents or its nurse were in fault for allowing the
knife to be placed within its reach.

It occurs to us, that a judicial palace or Phalan-
stery should be allotted to the judges in our metro-
polis, and if no suitable building now exists, there
is no reason why one should not be erected. We
have our military and naval establishments at the
Admiralty and the Horse Guards ; and though the
Courts of Exchequer, Common Pleas, &c. &c. may
be mentioned as the proper places for the transac-
tion of judicial business, still we deem that we
should be paying merely a proper compliment to
the judges of our land, if we were to furnish them
with an appropriate official residence in our capital.

L 3

226 THE JUDICIAL PHALANX.

It would be a suitable monument or testimony of
the high estimation in which the English nation
holds the law of the empire. As to the expense,
we can well afford it ; if we can spare money for
our clubs, and monuments for <^ departed worth,"
we are quite certain there can be no lack, or at least
there ought not to be, of means to eyince an admira-
tion of " living worth ;" and when we reflect upon
how much we owe to it, and consider the position
which the Judge occupies relatively to society, few
we im^ne are there who will not agree with us in
the opinion that John Bull is rather remiss in this
especial matter than otherwise; we do not think he
is so intentionally, but that he is apt to underrate
his obligation to his neighbours.

k

CHAP. VII.

THE LEGISLATIVE OR PARLIAMENTARY PHALANX.

Second only in degree do we place the legisla-
tive body of this kingdom. The spiritual peers
hold an hereditary position in this phalanx, as well
as in their own proper sphere of the ministerial
body, which we before stated to be the key-stone of
the whole social edifice ; they are the only members
who by right take up a legitimate position in two
distinct Phalansterian establishments. Taking them
therefore as the key-stone, and following up the
simile, we may compare the legislative to the tower
of the building, and the regal or governing phalanx
to the spire, or highest pinnacle of the whole fabric.
Consider we now the tower, a tower which has
withstood the storms and rude blasts of nearly six
centuries, and yet stands firm, and proudly glory-
ing in its strength, the admiration of the kingdoms
of the earth. But there are times when we may
well pause, and ask ourselves whether we have not
in our pride forgotten to whom the glory of all our
works is justly due ; whether in all our legislative
enactments we have had a single eye to the honour
and will of Him whom we profess to be the Great
Lawgiver of the whole universe, if so, the foundation

228 THE LEGISLATIVE OR

of our tower is secure ; but if our conscience be not
clear on this head, let us look to it, for our founda-
tion is then but a treacherous quicksand, and our i:
beautiful tower is in jeopardy. If we mistake not 2
greatly, there are cracks in its walls which we :
should do well to examine minutely and repair, ^
while yet the opportunity is afforded us ; lest ruin ;
ensue, and destruction be inevitable. The Catho-
lic emancipation bill shook the structure to the
very foundation ; the Maynooth grant has caused a
mighty fissure, and there are other small *^ settle-
ments," which it would not be unwise to underbuild,
while we have workmen at command ; and the con-
dition of the tower does not render it unsafe to ap-
proach.

It is much to be feared that in the legislation of
the last half century we have removed many of the
ancient land-marks, which our forefathers so care-
fully preserved for their guidance and direction;
and the consequence of this has been, what must
ever follow such a course, confusion and injustice ;
legislating in the dark, and then waiting to see how
the "system works;" or, as in the case of the
Roman Catholics before alluded to, at once openly
repudiating the first and fundamental principles of
our Protestant government. We did not at that
time merely lose a nail from the shoe, but we wan-
tonly cast off one of our best shoes, and ever since
that day has the bearer of the shoe halted in its

PARLIAMENTARY PHALANX. 229

pace. Under the most advantageous coincidences
oar affairs have retrograded; the seasons, talent,
invention, science and art, all have combined to
favor our progress in the most especial manner;
nevertheless our afiairs have not flourished, but we
have retrograded : recourse has been had to oppres-
sive imposts, in a vain hope of rousing the drooping
energies of our country. We have tried making
poverty a crime and a curse, yet poverty overwhelm-
ing still lies at our door ; and in very deed have we
used every means the ingenuity of man could
devise, to shirk the acknowledgment of our own
error, or the obligation to restore the ancient land-
mark. We have seen that a change of politics has
availed us nought ; we have tried a repudiation of
the sound principles of our tory ancestors, and we
have endeavoured to form an amalgamation, which
we term " Conservatism ;" but of what is it conser-
vative ? Does it preserve our faith pure and unde-
filed, or has it not rather bartered that faith at the
shrine of " expediency ?" Does it provide for the
poor and needy? Truly it may be said to do this,
for it gives a jail to poverty, and crushes the needy
to the dust by the additional weight of degradation,
the loss of all hope, all self-esteem.

If we would but consider those laws which we
no\y term minor laws, viz. those of our duty to our
God, and to our neighbour, as the greater, those
which we now hold to be the major, would sink in

230 THE LEGISLATIVE OR

the scale, and be entirely obviated or rendered un-
necessary ; or they would take their proper positioD
as the lesser in our code. Now we have allowed jr
them to usurp a position which is not legitimately r;
their own, and for this reason they ought to be dis- j^
placed, by such as have an undoubted and hereditary
right to the field, which is now occupied by the ^
intruders. Inattention to points like these is one ..
manifest cause of the inefficacy of our legisIatioD,
and the defeat of (as we deem them) our best in-
tentions, — and thus shall we continue to be thwarted
and defeated, so long as we subvert the order of the
Divine decrees, and the regular series of the laws
of Nature. The chief aim of the legislature appears
to be a flourishing state of the legislative treasury;
before it all other considerations give way, and it is
looked to as the social barometer, as if it were a
sure criterion of the happiness or prosperity of a
nation. A greater mistake never was made, for it
is no criterion, an overflowing exchequer will not
add one iota to the happiness of the people ; but if
the welfare of the whole body corporate be first
sought and secured, an overflowing exchequer will
follow as a natural and unavoidable sequence.

Again, we are grievously wrong in our selection
of senators ; instead of calling to our councils men
of age, wisdom and experience ; men of long-tried
integrity, piety and talent, — what is our course, in
the Lower House of representation with which we

%

PARLIAMENTARY PHALANX. 281

3 now especially to deal ? Any young man who
property, no matter whether he have education,
%\sj or wisdom, or whether he lacks all three, is
ified to act as a British senator; hence those
temly exhibitions with which we are so often
red ; hence the almost utter impossibility of
^ng any measure, howsoever beneficial, if it
ices not to meet the approbation of a party,
see no reason why our selection of members of
ament should not be as carefully made as the
ce of the judges, as much depends upon that
don, nay more, for those whom we elect have the
laws to frame, which our judges have to en-
^ Is it for a moment to be expected that any
ig man whose tastes, habits, and occupations,
*ely unfit him for anything like serious thought.
Id ever be fit to legislate for an Empire such as
? — Never, — the end of such a system can only
onfusion, and every year's experience must add
e complication of that confusion. What is the
then as the result of such a system? simply
that the gin-shop flourishes, for the legislator
not openly attack it, knowing that he shall
e a deficiency in the revenue if he does. The
ity millions of gallons of spirit which annually
duty to the British treasury for home consump"
only^ is too great a prize, satanic though it be,
e lost; religion is a secondary consideration,
the welfare of the souls of the community, far-

!■

232 THE LEGISLATIVE OB

ther still removed into the back ground, instead of
occupying the more distinguished position in the
front of our legislative ranks, which we as a nation
of professing Christians are bound by every law to
accord to it.

Our present Parliamentary Phalanx is a broken
and a splintered reed, openly divided into two an-
tagonist parties. The nation which depends upon V
such a reed for support, will find that it will enter
into her handstand pierce them through and through >
and when uplifting her bleeding hands in the sight
of surrounding empires they ask, " What mean
those wounds in thy hands ?" she will answer, ^Hhey
are those which I received in the house of myfriends.*'
Had our religion been the Roman Catholic, and
our Parliament wholly composed of men who pro- (
fessed that faith, would they ever for a moment have
entertained the idea of admitting Protestant legisla-
tion into their councils ? They would have deemed
him a madman who could have broached such
an idea, and shall we make a compromise with the
house of Baal, and help to fill the coffers of the col-
leges, and schools of the idol ? The man who does
this, sets his seal to a covenant with the idol; he
joins the phalanx of those who are arrayed under
the banner of the beast, and who fight against the
King of kings. Expediency may be urged in favor
of our compromise, but expediency never saved a
nation yet; it is at the best but a temporary evasion

PARLIAMENTARY PHALANX. 233

of a difficulty^ which we know sooner or later must
be firmly met and overcome, — or if we yield to it, it
will speedily overtake and overwhelm us. If our
legislative assembly has been polluted by the pre-
sence of the idol, let not that glorious fabric which
is now erecting suffer the same stain ; let it be what
It ought to be, a legislative temple dedicated to the
Protestant service of that God whom we, as true
Protestants, faithfully worship. At the same time
let us not deprive our Roman Catholic brethren of
the benefit of our legislation ; rather let us set them
a worthy example for imitation ; let us set up a light
which even they cannot mistake, and the blessing
of our God which has been so long withheld, will
again be upon us and our laws, and we shall rejoice
in the light which He so graciously affords us.
Leave the Romanists to legislate for themselves, if
they conscientiously hold the faith they profess,
they have every right to do this; it is ours to see
that their laws interfere not with us, and with our
God to aid us, we need fear nothing which they
singly or combinedly can ever do to injure us.
Thus shall we ^^ strengthen those that remain," and
our Legislative Phalanx will then occupy its true
position, as the tower of our social edifice, built on
a firm and ever-during foundation ; the walls thereof
repaired, and the fissures filled up, and no loop-
holes left for the owls and the bats of Papacy and
Puseyism to harbour in or enter. Those foul crea-

234 THE LEGISLATIVE, ETC.

tures of darkness will then be compelled to seek
another hiding-place, or failing to find that, tbey
must endure the blaze of the meridian sun of Pro-
testantism, and shew to the world their true and
legitimate character.

Let us carefully replace the landmarks of oui
forefathers, let us call to our councils men of age
and sagacity, let us legislate more for the honor of
our Maker, and less for our treasury ; so shall out
wisdom increase, our coffers overflow, and prosperity
as marked as our failure is now indubitable, will
attend our steps, and wait upon the councils of our
senators. A nation which is thus directed, can
never fail to prosper, but if we turn our backs upon
the straight path of rectitude and righteousness,
there is but one end to the road we follow, and that
end is destruction. Be it ours then to take the up-
ward path which leads to happiness and increasing
prosperity.

■^

CHAP. VIII.

THE REGAL PHALANX.

Towering iar above the rest, and overshadowing
the summit of the highest pinnacle of the &bric of
aociety stands our Regal Phalanx, owing allegiance
only unto Him who condescends to look down upon
this earth, and to over-rule even the councils of
princes. Surely such thoughts as these should
confirm our loyalty to the monarch, who, as the
anointed of the Lord of Hosts, stands between Him
and us, as the Deputy of His government, and the
Ruler of His people ; and our utmost efforts should
be exerted to strengthen the hands of that monarch,
and aid her in the dispensation of her royal office or
vocation. The exercise of the royal prerogative
may by some be considered as an object of ambi-
tion, and a distinction much to be desired, but the
height is too dizzy, and the consequences of a fiEdi
too fearful, to make the eminence a seat or position
of ease, and few there are who could well endure
the elevation. Exposed to every variation and
storm of the social atmosphere, so placed as to feel
the minutest shock which can be given to any por-
tion of the fabric, liable first of any part to be
scathed by the thunderbolt of Divine visitation, the

;t

i

236 THE REGAL PHALANX.

position, though a glorious and eminently impor-
tant one, is any thing but enviable ; and our con- t-
stant aim should be to watch over and support it, to s£
see that none but the best materials are used in the ki
structure, and most experienced builders employed i
to keep it in repair ; for upon this depends much of
the stability of the crown which surmounts the vane,
and to which every eye is directed as to a guiding
and directing star. Let the wind of adversity
blow, and we shall observe that vane is affected by b
its breath, and in the calm of 'prosperity will its *
movements be equable and regular ; but if the vane
be blown down, or disabled in the movement, we
are like a vessel at sea without a compass in the
dark night, without even a star to steer by. In a
constitution like ours, therefore, composed of three
ingredients, namely, the monarch, lords, and com-
mons, it is not enough that the crown should rule ;
we also require that the princes shall decree
justice : but if they propose laws to their royal
head, and require her sanction thereunto, which do
not correspond with the Divine Law, on their heads
will be the blame.

Our monarch is obliged, by the constitution of
the land, to abide by the advice of her councillors ;
true, she may in particular cases exercise her
royal prerogative, but such a case seldom occurs,
and the confusion which it inevitably creates, tends
to render the expedient of rare occurrence. We

THE B£OAL PHALANX. 287

think the monarch's hands too much fettered in this
point. In the history of the sovereigns of this world,
it is a fact worthy of their most particular regard,
that no nation ever yet failed to prosper which took
the simple word of God for its rule of action ; and
[>n the other hand, no kingdom ever prospered that
idopted a contrary course. For a time they may
bave flourished, but we shall find, on minute inspec-
tion, that they only continued to do so as long as the
Almighty was pleased to employ them as scourges
Emd chastisers of those who had rebelled against his
decrees.

Rome was once the mistress of the world — she
failed in her allegiance to her Maker : she was em-
ployed as the scourge of His peculiar people, and
having performed her destiny, she sank to rise no
more as an empire. In more modem time arose
one who shook the half of the globe ; having scourged
the nations over whom he usurped the rule, he
sank in solitary eidle, deposed, degraded, and un-
regretted, at St Helena. Let us beware then,
lest, in overweening confidence, we raise not up a
scourge in the hand of our sister-country Ireland,
by the very concession we have made to her idol ;
and thus she, whom we thought to conciliate and
favour, shall raise up her hand against us, and in
doing so work out her own destruction, as well as
our injury, and severe, but well deserved, chas-
tisement More improbable occurrences than this

a

238 THE REGAL PHALANX.

have forced themselves upon our attention, and it
would be a topic not unworthy even of the royal \^
consideration, to search and sift this matter well,
and see whether those who in their place as princes
ought to decree justice for us, have sufficiently
protected that religion upon which our every hope
of future happiness is placed ; or whether they have ^
not, in their zeal for concession, opened out a freik .^
channel which shall in time leave the bed of cm
glorious river dry, and we be left to perish of thiist,
through their negligence.

Would but kings and princes take the simple and ^,
unerring law of God as the test of all the advice
which their councillors offer, their task would be
far easier than it now is, their duties lighter, and

if&

their thrones more firmly secure; for the ever-
lasting arm would be their stay, and that no power
of earth or hell can prevail against. But when we
see the key-stone of our cherished edifice, rifted as
it is, split and divided from top to bottom ; when
we look at the clefts of the tower, and see that it is
a refuge for the owl and the bat ; when we behold
the spire patched up and repaired with unholy and
unsanctified stone, it is with fear and apprehension
that we lift up our eyes to the beautiful vane which
crowns the summit of our once most matchless
building ; and it behoves all those who have any
regard for it, to arise and betake themselves in
earnest prayer unto Him who alone is able to give

^

THE REGAL PHALANX. 239

a wise and an understanding heart to man that He
ivould be pleased to show them how they may plead
mth their rulers on behalf of their glorious temple,
md how that so pleading they may prevail. In the
itrength then of Him who has promised His aid let
ihein go forth ; and neither deterred by considera-
ions of expediency, nor awed by the threats of their
idversary, let the true Christians form themselves
nto a holy Phalanx, and advance to the repair of
those walls which we are wont so much to admire,
ind to which we look for shelter and protection ; a
goodly army would they be, and led on by a truly
Protestant Queen, with the cause of their God to
fight for, they would form a Phalanx invincible, and
their victory would be sure, for with them would be
arrayed the hosts of the Almighty, and against them
a legion only of fallen spirits, incapable of hurting
God's people, and possessing merely the shadow of
a substance, but none of its reality.

CONCLUSION.

ON looking over the way-bill at the conclusion
; our third journey, we perceive that we have
1 been fortunate, for our last train was a
1 one, and honoured by royalty itself. Our
rs however begin to complain of the rapidity
journies, and say that in spite of piano-forte
[ig, it is impossible to prepare the way-bills in
ling like the time required. We beg how-
to inform them, that a person (so say the
•apers) has affirmed, that he can set up types
ndon, and simultaneously print copies of any
in every town in the kingdom* Whoever he
»e, we heartily congratulate him on the dis-
iT, and if he will but be so obliging as to
y type-setters enow, he shall have all the aid
umble efforts can procure for him. Of one
istance we are quite assured, and that is, the
tor must of necessity be a Phalansterian, in-
:h as he goes to Nature for the first principles

invention, and employs electrical power as
mmunicating medium ; we therefore wish him
success in his undertaking. Our progress on
articular journey has been more than usually

which of course must be attributed to the fact
r having had the privilege of accompanying

.. Ill M

r

[

242 CONCLUSION.

a special train, we have in consequence only had »[
time to make a few remarks upon and to form but \\
slight acquaintance with our fellow-travellers, some
of these we thought to be in a condition which
might be improved ; we might be mistaken, but we
&ncied there was a certain something which occa-
sionally flashed across the countenances of all which
betokened unrest, and was not indicative of the ease
we should have expected to have witnessed among
such a distinguished class of society as that which
constituted the majority of our train. Indeed in
one of the earlier trains we beheld tokens of snd
misery as we should scarcely have expected to meet
with in any civilized country, much less in our own
land ; we could with difficulty believe the evidence
of our own senses, and we earnestly hope the sub-
ject may not only meet with the consideration which t^
it deserves from those who accompanied us at a |i
later hour of the day, but that they will lose no
time in seeking for a cure for those evils, of which
the poverty-stricken members of society so justly
complain.

We blush for our nation when we think that she
permits these things so to be. It is a mark of
infatuated indolence, selfishness, and indifference
to the sufferings of our poorer brethren ; and not
to speak of individual efforts, we do not hesitate to
avow our conviction, that so far from what we do
for our poor being amply sufficient, and an honour

CONCLUSION. 243

to us as Christians, the sixth of what we ought to
do is not done. A country like our own, possessing
the property she does, and deriving the annual in-
come she does from her estate, ought not to be able
to produce one single pauper who was unprovided
for. Our ideas upon this head may be considered
somewhat of the extremest; we care not who thinks
so, we are convinced that our surmise is correct,
and that the estate is amply extensive and in-
finitely more than would suffice to provide for all
the inhabiters of it But we are aware that to do
this effectually, the constant and unceasing atten-
tion of the owners of that estate would be essen-
tially requisite, and they must find their amusement
as well as profit in the study. The increasing
prosperity and wealth of our estate by no means
brings with it an additional degree of ease to, or fur-
nishes its possessor with, an excuse for idleness,
but the very reverse ; and these are not days when
talking over a matter will answer the purpose of
active exertion and absolute labour. To support a
population like our own is not the work of the
superfluous mass, but of those who cause the super-
fluity, if superfluity it be, upon which point we are
sceptical ; and it is this which in fact galls us so
sorely ; we know our disinclination to labour ; we
think that large possessions give an indubitable legi-
timate right to ease and self-indulgence, whereas
the direct reverse is the path which duty points

M 2

244 CONCLUSION.

out, and the principle for which the Phalansterian
most strenuously contends. The larger our capital
the smaller should be the interest allotted to that
capital, and vice versd. ^^ Those who gather much
should have nothing over, and those who gather
little should have no lack."

It is not enough for a legislator to say, << I will
take the burden from off the shoulders of one class,
and lay it on those of another ;" as certainly as he
acts thus will he counteract his own aim, because
he acts contrary to the laws of nature, who lays no
burden upon any. Better have left the Tariff
as it was, than the gin-shop, the beer-house, and
poverty as they are. We may shift and move from
one uncertain position to another, but all we shall
find are equally untenable. We may strew thorns
and stumbling-blocks in our brother's path, and by
so doing we shall work our own inevitable fall at
one time or another. Vain is our shirking the
right and direct road; there is but one path to
glory or prosperity, and if we move a trifle only to
the right hand or the left, we shall find out our
mistake before we advance far. It is useless to
wish that things were not thus directed and over-
ruled ; had they not been so, the corrupt nature of
man would have destroyed the whole human race
long ago ; and we, instead of lessening that cor-
ruption, have done our best, or rather our worst,
to increase it. The nature of man we grant to

I

CONCLUSION. 245

be fallen, but the evil of that nature is more re-
pressible than we choose to allow. We know
that by preventing minor evils, we do away with
many of the greater degrees of crime; but this
gives trouble, and creates a necessity for constant
care and watchfulness. Moreover we summon to
our councils those who are not " over-particular,"
and thus our best efforts are rendered nugatory,
our most valuable remedies for the evil neutralized :
we know this to be the iact, but we are not candid
or honourable enough to confess it ; but of this we
have no right to complain, we choose our own
legislators, and by so doing place a yoke on our
own necks ; that yoke therefore we must be con-
tent to bear, so long as we continue our present
mode of action.

There is a most remarkable feature in the ordi-
nances of man, and one well worthy of the most
serious consideration, that when nature, art, science,
all unite to furnish every temporal gift of our
Maker in the richest possible abundance, when we
are able to produce a glut of any one article, either
of necessity or luxury, in our markets in the course
of a very few weeks, one obstacle only to our en-
joyment of the good things of Providence renders
all our labour fruitless, and shuts the door of en-
joyment, just as we reach the very threshold; and
this is the ordinance of man himself as regards
money.

i

246 CONCLUSION.

It is strange that all the wise, the learned, the
rich, the great, the noble, and the philanthn^ic
among men, have never yet been able to solve the
problem of poverty. Marvellous indeed may it be
deemed, that we who can invent machines to pro-
gress through the regions of air at the speed of fifty
leagues, or 150 miles per hour, and can traverse
3000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean in 12 days,
should never have been able yet to invent some
better mode of procuring what we ourselves have
made the one thing needful to existence, or have
devised means whereby the necessity for adopting
such a medium of existence should have been abro-
gated and annulled. Is the spirit within us so dead,
so utterly paralysed, mesmerised, or infatuated, I
that we cannot overcome this single difficulty? j
Pitiful helpless beings indeed must we be, if this
be truly the case ! Of what avail is the eloquence
of our most talented orators, the piety of onr best
divines, the admirable genius of our men of science,
if we are to be stranded on a little rock like this?
And is there no engineer to be found, who can
remove a trifling impediment such as this from the
course of our vessels and those of other countries?
Methinks the deed were worthy of the united
efforts of every nation under Heaven. We see
the pauper starving upon cheap bread ; the fiEunily
of the cloth-maker without food or clothing; the
artizan without a shelter from the storms of Hea-

CONCLUSION. 247

yen; and our women pining in sickness and in
sorrow. Why ? — they are shipwrecked on the rock
of money, and they must perish because the rock
is not capacious enough to save them all. We have
lands, we have food; Nature has given us every
£Budlity ; Art has taught us the utmost ingenuity,
nay, she is still teaching us how to clothe the
naked, feed the hungry, and relieve the destitute ;
Science shows us how to heal the sick, and soothe
the pangs of the afflicted. Our God has con-
descended to look down in pity upon our wants
and necessities; He has sent us Nature, Science,
and Art, and He has given us wisdom to use them,
and yet see the return we make for his overflowing
boanty. We seize upon His gifts, and say to our
fellow-man, — ^^ Give us money^ or you shall not
have these blessings."

If then you have made gold, silver, or their
representatives, bank notes, the criterion whereby
a man's qualification for existence is to be tried,
why have you not placed that qualification equally
within the reach of all ? You say, " the Almighty
has made men rich, and He has made them poor.*'
True, indeed, the Lord gives, and He takes away,
blessed for ever be his holy name ; but, who first
constituted money the standard of value ? Neither
Scripture or tradition clears up this point ; money,
we believe, first came into use about the time of
Abraham, but we have nothing to prove that its

248 CONCLUSION.

use was of Divine ordination; if money then be
the great end of existence, why is not the supply
greater? You deem the question absurd! How
much more absurd is it then to make that the chief
thing to be desired which you state it to be impos-
sible to obtain in any adequate quantity, and which
you know can never be obtained but by a few?
Those Indians who make cowries their medium of
purchase, act more rationally and more consistently
by iar. Society has decreed, that the very thing
which is the most impossible to acquire, and is of the
least actual use when acquired, shall be that which
her members shall use their utmost powers to pro-
cure, and that thousands of her members shall
annually perish for the want thereof ! ! Can any
greater proof of moral infatuation than this be
adduced in the history of any age or country? We
trow not. But is such infatuation as this worthy
of immortal beings, of an enlightened commu-
nity, of professing Christians ? Is there money in
Heaven, or if any were needed there, would there
be any lack? We think Society has made a fatal
mistake in this matter, and more than this, she lays
the blame, which is her own, at the door of her
neighbour. If money be all you need, why do
you not manufacture the article in proportion to
the demand? Of what avail is cheap bread, when
there is no money to exchange for it? Where can
be the use of free trade, or of low-priced goods,

CONCLUSION. 249

when the medium of barter is not to be had? We
are but mocking our neighbour, and our God, by
offering them such an insult as this, and He sees
those who are compelled to ^^make brick without
straw ;" He hears the cry of those whom we send
out to seek for straw, and yet tell them that ^^ they
shall deliver the full tale of brick;" and as assuredly
as He visited the Egyptians for this, will He in
His wrath visit us, unless we turn from this our
evil way. There is as wide a difference now
between the conditions of those of us who have the
golden idol of mammon in our houses, and that of
our poorer brethren, as there was between the
Israelites and the proud Egyptian nobles, and for
their arrogance in presuming to oppress the people
of God were the latter punished and cut off from
the number of the nations; and unless we take
heed, and ponder well upon the steps we take, a
fate worse than that of Egypt will be ours.

Talk not of the ingratitude, the degradation of
the poor; let us do our duty, and leave the event
to the blessing of Him, who has promised to aid
us in every good work. If money must be the
standard of value, — if wisdom cannot discern a
more suitable link of communication, — ^at once let
us place it in abundance in our brother's reach;
not by impoverishing ourselves, for the sacrifice is
not required ; not by altering the sterling value of
our gold and silver coin, but by the manufacture of

M 3

250 CONCLUSION.

money of some kind or other, which shall be eir
changeable for any commodity, and procurable by
any person in whatever quantity their necessity
requires. Tell us not of drunkenness and immo-
rality, on our own heads be the shame if they
ensue; let us remove those new landmarks of guilt,
debauchery, and crime, which we have so sinfully
set up, in the stead of the landmarks of our fiathen;
and for them let us again erect the ancient pillais
of truth, justice, sobriety, probity, piety, and honoiur^
able integrity, — ^^ so will our bams be filled with
plenty, and our presses burst with new wine."

If we would but pause in our career, and in a
moment of sober thought stop, to reflect upon what
must be the inevitable tendency of our present mode
of action, in every social grade, in all ages, degrees
and ranks of mankind, we must be blind not to per-
ceive that we are steering direct for the harbour of
destruction, when the land of happiness lies far
behind, and every plunge the vessel makes, removes
us further from the haven of our rest Education,
in the place of fostering every generous, noble,
natural aspiration the human mind is capable o(
kills or subdues them all; and the mind of a child,
from the time he first goes to school, to the period
of his mature manhood, is in a state of moral
asphyxia. Now and then the mind bursts from her
thrall, and spurning the chain which bound her to
society and to earth, she soars to her native region,

CONCLUSION. 251

and her kindred skies ; — but mark — men gaze and
exclaim, ^^ Ah ! an enthusiast, what pity it is that
men should be so flighty !"

And is enthusiasm then a thing to be despised ?
Is it a crime that we must thus scorn and spurn it
from us as a reptile unworthy of our notice ? What
was the spirit which led Joan of Arc to sacrifice
herself for the salvation of her country? What
was the meaning of those electric words ^^ Up
gruards! and at them!" which decided the des-
tiny of nations in the field of Waterloo ? What is
the motive which led the martyr to the stake, a
voluntary sacrifice to his religion and his God?
Where is the meaning of the heart-stirring elo-
quence of the ministers of the Lord, or the most
brilliant speeches of the legislator, if they kindle
not that enthusiasm which we so much deprecate
and abuse ? And surely, surely, the upraising of
our fiEdlen brother from the dust, the cleansing away
ef the mass of filth and corruption which ages have
accumulated around our social edifice, are topics
which might kindle the highest enthusiasm, and
awaken in our hearts the noblest ardour ; for the
cause is the cause of our neighbour, and the motive
the glory and honor of our Maker. And is our
labour in vain, if we so employ the talent which He
has entrusted to our charge? forbidden be the
thought! to entertain it would be to doubt that
word which never fisuled us yet. There are mansions

252 CONCLUSION.

in the realms of bliss prepared for those who here
have laboured in the vineyard of the King of kings;
but the doors of those everlasting dwellings will be
closed to us for ever, if we SeuI to do the wwk
allotted to us here ; happiness unutterable is the lot
of those who dwell in these mansions, and happiness
akin to that might be ours here if we would bttt all
unite in doing the will of Him, who has given us
every appliance to such happiness, and means the
most abundant for its procurance. Heaven is nearer
to us than we are apt to suppose, and those who are
unfit for it here, will find there is no place in the
realms of glory for them hereafter. The bliss of an-
gels would be the most direful punishment to them ;
while the true and fiiithful labourer even here enjoys
some foretaste of that rest, which remains to him
when his labour here is ended.

But in lieu of cultivating the garden in the which
we are placed to till it, we tear the brier and the
thorn from the hedge where they are placed to msak
our pathway, and with them we wantonly scourge
our fellow-man ; we place the stones which should
act as our direction and our guides, across the path
our brother treads; we strew his way with the
thorns, and when he, blinded and tortured with the
wounds that they inflict, cries out and wanders in
the bitterness of his pangs and grief, we lead him
to the workhouse and the jail, and laugh his suffer-
ings to scorn. We tell him that to be rich is to be

CONCLUSION. 253

happy, and we jeer him by assuring him he never
can be rich ; we tell him if he take our game, a
prison shall be his lot, and we tempt him by show-
ing him the poulterer's shop, and saying <^ Money
shall you have if you can only bring the game in
there" The Almighty sees all this, and more than
this ; He sees the affliction of His people, and He
has heard their cry, and for these things will He be
avenged of a nation that doeth such works. We
may legislate, we may subscribe our thousands, and
our tens of thousands, to the treasuries of benevo-
lence, of charity and religion, the crop we reap will
be deplorably small; and this in spite of all, we
know to be the case ; but we turn a deaf ear to
him who dares to speak the plain truth, for we know
full well the cause of our failure. We know our
offering to be unsanctified ; we say " we have sold
the land for so much," when we know that we have
secretly "kept back part of the price" thereof.
O let us then hasten to make restitution four-fold,
if need be ; let us unite with those who would shew
us what can be effected by combination and co-ope-
ration, throwing aside all prejudice and consideration
of self, let us enter upon our labour with a single
eye to the glory of Him, whose we are and whom
we ought to serve ; and as sure as the word of God
is true, as certainly as our redemption was effected
by the precious blood of that Lamb who offered
Himself a voluntary sacrifice alike for the poor and

254 CONCLUSION.

for the rich, will success beyond our utmost hopM
attend our steps, and England pointing to her sons
and daughters may, in humble faith and pious exul-
tation, once more be enabled to say, when called
upon to render an account of her stewardshqs
** Behold I, and the children whom Thou hast
given me."

Now what can she say of them ? In gaudy attire
indeed Society meets us by the way, and fiiintly
smiling she returns our greeting ; we ask for her
family, and she points to the rich and noble of her
land ; say we, ^^ are these then all ? " She answers in
the negative, and alleges as a reason of their ab^
sence that the rest are not fit to be seen ; and why
are they not fit to be seen ? Surely you can have
no authority for placing such a difference between
the members of your family, as renders one fit to
be produced and the other not? there must be
something grievously wrong if an effect like this be
the result of your system; and it must be looked to,
for aU ought to be produceable, all must be produce-
able in another world, if not in this, and if it then
be proved that the fault of their unfitness was our
neglect, our avarice, or our over-weening ambition,
a dismal lot will be that of '^Society;" and the
proud boasting of her former greatness will sink
into the mournful wail of never-ending woe, of an-
guish indescribable and eternal. This is no trifling
theme for reflection, no ideal picture; either we

CONCLUSION. 255

have as a Society acted towards our neighbour and
our children as we would wish them to have acted
towards us, or we have not ; there is no medium,
if we have done our duty, then can we lift up our
heads and humbly rejoice; if not, the veil of
Egyptian darkness will not suffice to hide the
, burning crimson blush which will mantle o'er our
brow. We may seek to evade the question now ;
we may lay the flattering unction to our hearts
that all has been done which could be done ; but
such arguments as these will not help us, or make
our footing one jot the more secure. All is never
done; Nature's works are endless, and when the
Almighty rested from his, He appointed Nature
as his agent in this world ; as that Nature is a part
of our very selyes, if we stand still and say we have
done all, we subvert her order, and work out our
own punishment. We can never stand still without
creating confusion ; progression is a first principle
in the laws of Nature, and that progression is cease-
less until this mortal shall put on immortality; then
and then only shall we cease from our labour, and
our repose will be sweet, if we have done our duty
in the field where we were placed as workmen. It
is of no use saying we know not what to do, ^^ Seek
and ye shall find," is the never-failing promise;
'* In all thy ways acknowledge God, and He will
direct thy path ;" the terms are easy, the reward is
sure ; the work of association has again and again

256 CONCLUSION.

been offered to, nay forced upon our notice ; unwil-
lingly have we partially adopted it, and seen the
benefit of it most clearly developed, why then should
we hesitate to receive the blessing when offered,
to welcome the angel of association, and ask him
to enlighten us on the subject of his mission?
to refuse the boon is to despise the Giver* But,
one says, how are we to know whether it is a
blessing or a curse? Try it, say we, by the
touchstone of the word of truth, if it endure not the
test, reject it as an unholy thing ; but if it gradually
displays new beauty as each successive ray of
Divine truth beams upon its surface, the gift is of
God himself, and on our heads be the crime of re-
jection.

The spirit of association comes among us now,
not as creating dissension, disaffection, or disloyalty,
— not as a destroying or an avenging angel, — but
it comes in sweetest guise, a spirit of love, truth,
mutual good-will, and pointing to the love of God
as the source of our every action, the main-spring
of our motives ; repudiating alike all idea of self
or individual aggrandizement ; rejecting all maxims
or systems which would tend to elevate one class of
men, without at the same time raising all in a pro-
portionate degree. It tells us that the road by
which it travelled here is one to the blessedness of
which we have yet seen nothing comparable. True,
in this path you will find the cross your Saviour

CONCLUSION. 257

)ointed out to you, but have you hitherto obeyed
he Divine behest ? Have you taken up that cross
ind borne it manfully, and aided your brethren in
jarrying it ? or rather, have not each of you cast
lis cross upon the ground, and falling thereover
.rourself, been the cause of your brother's fall, and
)laced a fresh impediment in his way ?

But if our associative system endure not the
inerring test, how will that you now adopt bear
he trial ? Does not, we would ask, each ray of
ight which falls upon it, bring forth some foul blot
)r flaw ? Where is the system which contains not
more of error than of truth, either in our social,
lomestic, or political economy ? Are we not afraid
to mix in society for fear of contamination ? Is not
)ur domestic circle poisoned by the contagious
wreath of discord, malice, envy, and detraction?
^re we not absolutely afraid to legislate from dread
)f making the law less efficacious at every fresh
itep we take, and does not the result prove the
lecessity for the caution ? Was there ever a time
ji the history of nations when laws were more singu-
arly inefficacious than they are now, and are we not
airly at our wits end to know how to legislate next
10 any good purport? Are the labours of our cle-
rical brethren blessed as we would wish to see them,
md naturally might expect, from the diligence they
exhibit, and the favorable circumstances of churches
abounding, and every facility for the furtherance

258 CONCLUSION.

of their mission which is afforded us? Does our
system then in all these relations bear the ordeal to
which the spirit of association voluntarily offers its
suggestion ? With deep humiliation let us adknow-
ledge that it fails; and thankfully let us unitedly
rise and welcome the celestial messenger to this
benighted world of ours; let us hail his approadi
as the harbinger of light, the herald of that glorious
mom we are taught to expect; when we may look
for the restoration of God's ancient and peculiar
people ; when our own church shall be purified and
purged from the idolatry she now exhibits such an
in&tuated inclination to fall into; when our rulers
shall be men of righteousness, our clergy servants
of the living God, — ^not servers of tables ; when die
voice of joy and thankfulness shall arise an holy
offering and acceptable to our Maker, our Redeems,
and our Sanctifier, from the dwelling of him whom
the world casts out as despised and unworthy,
because he is poor ; when our duty to God and to
our neighbour no longer form a topic of discussion or
exhortation, but a ruling principle of every action
of our lives ; when cruelty will cease, and war be
unheard of; when justice shall be offered to all, not
asked for by any; when each shall seek his own
best interest in the furthering that of his neighbour,
and thus fulfilling his duty to his God.

We may contemplate all this as something far
distant, and we may say it will be time enough to

CONCLUSION. 259

talk of such matters when the time itself arrives ;
blind infatuation and procrastination ! a thousand
years is as one day, and one day as a thousand years,
with Him whose time is ever present ; even now
the time is come, the opportunity of aiding the
Spirit of truth is afforded us, and shall we reject an
offer such as this ? shall we hesitate to step forward
first in the ranks of conquerors over the spirits of
crime, blasphemy, poverty, and insubordination?
if we do, our candlestick will be removed from its
place, we shall be degraded from the honourable
post which is now offered for our acceptance ; others
will form the Phalanx in our stead, and our shame
will then be complete ; for our place will be with
those lukewarm professors, who, " neither cold or
hot»" will be rejected of Him who now invites us to
His banner. Enthusiasts we may be, but our cause
is that of righteousness and peace. The apostles
were enthusiasts, and the rulers of their day thought
them madmen; but the doctrine they advocated
has stood the brunt of every storm; their &ith,
founded on the Rock of Ages, rests secure, and it
is on this Rock we would build our religion, our
l^slature, politics, social and domestic institutions;
and we have the word of Him who taught the
apostles themselves, to encourage us in the work.
More than eighteen hundred years have now passed
since that foundation-stone was laid, and shall we
hesitate to build upon it? We hesitate not to build

5260 CONCLUSION.

upon those which have long since proved the de-
struction of other nations, and why should we pause
when such a rock as this is proffered for our site?
We have built upon gold, and now in our hour of
need it treacherously deserts us; we have built
upon human legislation, and found the laws tamed
into weapons of confusion and destruction ; ambi-
tion has been the rock of some nations, — where are
they now ? Others have erected a mighty fabric
on their trade ; Tyre and Sidon may answer for
their success,— -each in their turn have sought to
evade the only sure foundation, and all have foun-
dered in the quicksand they selected. We have
tried the deceitful ground of concession and ex-
pediency, and our edifice is rent in twain from the
top to the bottom ; go where you will separation
and party are the watchwords of society ; fear is
the only incentive we offer to virtue, vice is pam-
pered and encouraged ; the rewards of virtue are to
the majority inaccessible in this world, and we
have smoothed the downward path of vice ; we have
made it easy of attainment, and cheap in price, and
having done this, we preach to human nature of its
corruption, and mockingly warn it to avoid the path
we have so carefully prepared.

The result of such a system might well induce
the thinking portion of the community to pause, and
entreat society to check her mad career ; she may
in her intoxication point to her benevolence ; she

AB

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a
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ID

CONCLUSION. 261

may show her houses of refuge for the destitute ;
ihe may exultingly ask you to admire her nightly
shelter for the houseless poor. We tell her that
v\'hile such establishments exist in her borders, they
are a standing monument to her disgrace ; a re-
proach to any nation. There ought to be neither
houseless or destitute poor within her gates, and
the straw-littered floors of such Institutions as
these, are melancholy proofs of her neglect of her
children ; and though the sufferings of these out-
casts may furnish food for the novelist to luxuriate
upon, or the crimes of her neglected offspring be
mocked in her theatres, and held up as fitting
lessons for imitation, to those of her children who
have no worthier avenue to fame held out for their
ambition ; the time will come when she will dearly
rue her cruel, most mistaken folly, and she, unless
she repents, will in her agony cry out to those for
mercy to whom she showed none here.

At the commencement of our first volume, we
alluded to the laborious duties imposed by society
upon the female portion of our domestics. Most of
the evils under which they now labour might, with
the greatest ease, be obviated. We see no reason
why machinery cannot be applied to grates to render
them moveable, and easily tranferred from one
place to another ; the weight can be no possible
objection, for we may move a whole room if we so
please. At the Colosseum we may see the prin-

262 CONCLUSION.

dple in action any day, and we have oonelves
ascended from one story to another in -a moveable
room in that edifice, with much gpreater ease than
we should have attained the same height by the
usual method of stairs ; in our company were four
others, and taking the average weight of each
person at 140 pounds — a very low calculation — we
have a total of 700 pounds lifted by a trifling me-
chanical arrangement If we can adapt machinery
to our windows, to the shutters, to boxes for the
conveyance of articles from the kitchen to the top
of the house, why not to grates ? The dirty grate
might thus be conveyed to the cleaning house, and
a duplicate grate ready cleaned be immediately
substituted in its place; and the work might be
performed by men, as it ought to be. If you ob-
ject to the price or expense of duplicate grates,
recollect it depends upon your own free will. You
may have two grates for the same price you now
pay for one ; and the simpler the construction, the
better will it answer the purpose intended. This
is the case invariably with every attempt to pro-
duce a natural effect, and we shall always find that
the more complicated any invention is, no matter
for what purpose it is intended, in so great a degree
does it fail in the one great end of being beneficial
in its results to the whole community. This is
Nature's way, and it ever will be her mode of
action to the end of time.

CONCLUSION. 263

There is no question that the ultimate end of
every invention oiLght to be the good of every
member in society, and it should produce an equal
degree of good to all; mind, we do not say, equality
of grade, or goods : we say equality ofdegree^ that
is, if the comforts of the Peer be increased fourfold
by any invention, that Peer, or whoever he may
be, ought to see that the comforts of the poorest
peasant are increased fourfold by the same invention;
or if such invention be not applicable to the situ-
ation of the poor man, we, the rich, ought to make
a corresponding compensation to the poor, for the
benefit we receive from that particular gift. Every
invention may be made a blessing or a curse by us,
and if we selfishly secure all the benefit to our own
selves, or give less than their due proportion to our
poor brother, our inventions will curse and injure,
but they will never bless us. The gifts of the
Almighty are common to all, it is man who causes
the distribution of them to be partial. Nature, as
His agent, gives to all men liberally, and up-
braideth not; man, on the contrary, distributes
selfishly and sparingly; and with the gift often
bestows reproaches, thus embittering the blessings
he dispenses ; and then we turn round and accuse
our Maker and Nature of partiality, when, if we
would but look at matters in their true and most
obvious dress, we should find that we have been
heaping up the gifts of God into our own treasuries.

264 CONCLUSION.

and just dispensing so much of them as will serve
to lull our consciences to sleep, and no more.
Rut the slumber of the conscience is a fatal slum-
ber ; it is the harbinger of a moral paralysis, from
which, when it partially awakes, it will find no way
of escape or cure — the will shall remain, but the
power of action cease ; and then, alas ! when it is
too late, shall conscience wish she had spoken
louder, and we unceasingly regret that we turned a
deaf ear to her words.

The Almighty speaks to us now, not in the voice
of thunder, but of love and pity; through the
clearest evidence of our senses does he point out
the way of peace and happiness ; we, ungrateful
sinners that we are, dare to doubt the rectitude of
His intention, or the infinity of His power ! we
dare to presume and say that the talents which He
has bestowed upon our brethren are engines for
our destruction, and agents of satanic origin. Let
us beware of such a fearful blasphemy as this, for
in words which he who runs may read, does He
most distinctly point out that His intention is for
good and not for evil.

It may afford us some little delay if we avail our-
selves of such frivolous excuses for our indolence
and inactivity; it may cause us some degree of
humiliation and sacrifice to own that hitherto we
have been in the wrong; but the longer judgment
slumbereth, so much the more terrific will be the

CONCLUSION. 265

storm when it bursts in vengeance over our head,
if we refuse to take shelter in the house which our
Maker points out to us. We run about pei^erting
the Scriptures of truth, and we exclaim, ^^Asso-
ciate yourselves, and ye shall be broken in pieces ;"
and we say this applies to your Phalansteries ! but
we, the advocates of association, destroy the whole
argument with one blow, by asking, "to whom
were these words addressed?" And to whom
speaks the prophet in the dSth chapter of Isaiah
from the 3rd verse to the end — but to the true
worshippers of the Lord of hosts ? The two fol-
lowing chapters are also most remarkable, when
applied to the present state of our land, and the
remedy for the evil ; not only may he who runs
read, but none can read without understanding.
Why let us ask, if ye so fear association, do you
associate in your Missionary and your Bible So-
deties? regard them carefully, as well as your
Institutions of charity and benevolence — are ye
not broken in pieces as regards them? Is not
every society more or less divided ? it is, and why ?
because you have acted like Simon the sorcerer,
you have offered polluted gold, the idol which
society has set up for all nations to worship, on the
altar of the Living God, and thus have you thought
that the gift of God, even the blessing of His Holy
Spirit, could be purchased with money. Is there
no way of furthering the cause of our Redeemer

VOL. III. N

{

266 CONCLUSION.

but by dint of gold and silver ? God help us, if
this is all I for a fiedthless weapon do we put our
trust iil^ In vain do our societies languish, though
their treasury overflows; we neither strengthen
their arms at home, nor aid their efforts when
abroad : the savage knows better than we, for we
offer him the Bible with one hand, and the spirit-
bottle with the other ; and he asks, " Is this the
religion of yowr God ? does He teach you to arm
yourselves against us with the sword of truth and
the weapons of hell? what have we done to merit
this at your hands ? "

The condition of the inhabitants of Sodom and
Gomorrah will be preferable to ours in a future
state, if we thus tacitly allow such a system to con-
tinue ; we have done the same with our brother at
home, we have made him the slave of his lusts, his
appetite, and his passions. We have gone and
offered him the sword of the spirit, and arraying
the armies of satan against him, we have mockingly
asked him why he did not go forth and conquer.
We have made him a savage worse by far than the
red Indian, and then bid him get gold if he wished
to be saved. We have told him if he will do this,
all men shall praise and honour him, shall look up
to and obey him ; but failing this, the gin-shop and
the ale-house, the prison, the workhouse, or the
cold earth, are the only refuge he can ever hope to
obtain. We have crowded our children in heaps

CONCLUSION. 267

in the courts and alleys of our cities and our towns,
and millions have we thus destroyed with the hand
of pestilence; and then we have charged our
Maker with the deed, when He in his mercy was
allowing us to chastise ourselves, in order that our
eyes might be opened to our mad, our infatuated
wickedness. And why is all this ? because their
labour brings us in gold, our dearly- worshipped idol,
whom we for six days bow down unto and call upon
it to save us, and think it hard that the seventh
day is nominally devoted to the service of the only
true God. Well may a blight rest upon our reli-
gious institutions — well may our jails overflow with
criminals, and our hospitals with suffering patients.
The people of Nineveh, of Babylon, of Rome, or
Egypt, were not worse than we, but their sins
proved their destruction ; and the light which is
afforded us is greater far than that which they en-
joyed. If however we refuse to walk in that light,
what hope have we that our sin will be less heavily
visited than theirs was ? and can we expect a bless-
ing will attend upon our best offerings ; can we
bring our gift to the altar, and say that our brother
has naught against us ? Alas I his bill against us
is a heavy reckoning, — ^more than ever we can pay ;
our gift is a polluted offering, and the only alter-
native afforded us is either to be reconciled, and
make such compensation as we can to our brother,
or to pay the penalty of our presumption, in wait-

266 CONCLUSION.

ing upon the altar with unclean hands, and an un-
sanctified gift. When we turn aside from this the
error of our way, our course will then be pros-
perous; but so long as we continue in our pre-
sent path shall we meet with intricacy, trouble, and
increasing distress.

We may write volumes on political economy, or
fill the columns of our journals with abstruse and
most elaborate essays on the currency of the
empire ; we are but deceiving ourselves the while,
and shirking the main cause of all our misery, viz.
departure from our duty to the Supreme Author of
our being, and our duty to our neighbour. '< Do
unto others as you would they should do to you,"
is not our motto, but the very direct reverse is the
principle upon which we are taught to act, — not in
words it is true, but in deed and in actual &ct, from
the cradle to the grave. Our schools support the
system on the ground of manliness, and tyranny
drives out the spirits of gentleness and humanity,
until the passions come to the aid of those good
spirits, when we instantly pervert them, and turn
them into weapons of destruction, of recklessness,
and dissipation; we commence doing this at our uni-
versities, we continue it through our professions, and
we excuse ourselves by saying, that this life was
intended by the Almighty to be a life of sin and
suffering; when His holy word declares, that by
following its precepts implicitly, we shall find, not

CONCLUSION. 269

only the promise applicable to the world to come,
but to this life also. Who makes this life a state
of sin and suffering? and who creates the incen-
tives to sin? Are the gin-shop, the house of ill-
fame, the gambling-house, ordained by our Maker?
Far, &r from us be such an impious thought I but
we have licensed and permitted them, and He has
in His wrath thought good to punish us with the
rod which we have made for ourselves. We have
in our own most favoured land set up these strong
holds of Satan; by poverty and despair have we
driven our fellow-creatures into one snare; by
misery, destitution, and the making marriage a
crime and a curse, have we hurried our brothers
and our sisters into the other; by making gold
our god, and avarice our ruling ambition, has the
third pit been digged by our own hands, and thou-
sands of our brethren have perished miserably
therein. Why, if we must tax, should we not tax
sin ? ** Where would be the use," says the political
economist, ^^ you would only thus destroy sin, and
fail in raising your revenue?" No, a wiser course
than this is our's ; — we will make sin cheap, and
then every body will purchase it ; we will place the
incentive to sin, drunkenness, and debauchery,
within the reach of the poorest beggar on the face
of the land ; we will make virtue abhorrent in his
sight and profitless ; we will tell him if he marries
he shall be utterly ruined, and his offspring beg-

N 2

970 CONCLUSION.

gars; he shall not have wine unless he can pay
handsomely for it; neither shall he have bread;
and if he buys not of onr ware, then he is wiser
than we take him to be/' The tax upon spirits
alone is enough to destroy any nation; it is the
price of our brother's soul, and the blood of our
victims will assuredly rise up in judgment and con-
demn us. We may boast of our revenue derived
from a source such as this, and we may glory in
taxing light, the first gift of the Almighty to this
world, but every penny thus raised is a standing
accusation of injustice and iniquity against us; we
have no excuse, our resources are almost beyond
the power of calculation ; and even were they not,
we have no right in these enlightened times to have
recourse to such questionable means of support
If we at once on conscientious principles gave up
these accursed things, do we, can we for a moment
doubt that some other method of providing for our
necessities would be opened out to us? If we doubt
this we are not Christians, and our faith is a dead,
a passive profession, and not the faith of those
whose bible is the test of action.

In advocating the principle of associating in
separate detached residences, we are aware we have
to combat strongly the prejudices which exist in
favour of small detached dwellings for the poor;
but we must be understood that we by no means
object to the retirement of aged or affluent mem-

CONCLUSION. 271

bers of society to their own estates, however small ;
we wish to provide chiefly for those who have not
a home, until they are in a situation to provide a
home for themselves, if they preferred a separate
dwelling; but we know the tendency of detached
houses in a village, or separate dwellings in a town,
must inevitably be to create and foster competition,
to erect the public-house and gin-shop, and such
places are wholly and entirely to be excluded from
society on the Phalansterian system ; we must have
no place where vice can possibly harbour in, and
we must offer every possible encouragement and
incitement to virtue; we must give rewards ade-
quate to the effect we wish to produce, and this
must be done with an unsparing hand, — freely we
have received, freely therefore must we give ; and
if we make our merchants princes, we must accord
to the next in degree the place which they vacate.
We now give a labourer who wins a prize at a
ploughing match, perchance 30 shillings, as a
reward for his whole year's study and anxiety
to excel, — 30 guineas would not be an adequate
remuneration; we give a similar prize to a farmer,
for having exerted all his talent and ingenuity for
years in tilling his land, or feeding his cattle ; if we
made him a present of a small farm as a free gift,
we should not be doing too much, or one iota more
than our duty ; we repay vice and crime in a ten-
fold ratio to our rewards for virtue, diligence, or

I

"272 CONCLUSION.

industry; and by doing this we make the latter
scarce, while the former flourishes with a rankness
which threatens to smother the whole crop of the
better plant

Neither God or nature act thus towards us, for
the Almighty has offered eternal life to all who
will obey the precepts of His blessed Son ; we, on
the other hand, make difference where none ought
to exist, and the only reasons we can bring for this
are, that we have not money enough to do other-
wise, and that we think we do enough already. If
these be your obstacles, the associative institution
will remove the first, and your conscience tells you
that the latter is untrue. You can never have done
enough in this state of being, and if you did ten-
fold for your brother more than you now do, neither
would your work be nearer completion, nor you
one jot the poorer for the sacrifice. On the con-
trary, by so much the more would your works be
prospered, and your own riches increase. You
may plant churches by thousands, but the plant
will not flourish ; the poisonous exhalations of the
house of crime, of debauchery, and drunkenness,
will destroy its nourishment, and decay its mate-
rials ; it will be a sickly puny plant, shooting out a
hundred small suckers, in lieu of a mighty tree,
with a stem no wind can shake, and with wide
branches spreading to the healing and shelter of
the nations: the two can never flourish together,

CONCLUSION. 278

and one or the other we must ere long be called
upon to sacrifice ; can we then hesitate as to our
election ? Must vice be paid, and virtue spumed
as a beggar from our path, and this for the sake cf
our idol ? If we do thus, we act as one famishing
with hunger, who refuses to touch the best food
when it is placed before him, and our destruction
is as certain and inevitable as his.

We ask you not to throw away your riches on
a blind speculation ; we ask you not to ffive your
money, we simply offer you a return for your out-
lay, which you now acknowledge it is impossible
to realize by justice or by fraud; we ask it on
behalf of our destitute brethren and sisters; we
plead for the victims of a system which has led to
the commission of, and encouraged the grossest
and most heinous crimes ; we ask it in the name of
Him through whom you and we alike hope to be
saved, and who has said, that a drop of cold water
only given in His name shall not go unrewarded.
We demand not large possessions, or an enormous
outlay; the more there are of you who bear the
burden, as you may think it, or as we consider it,
the honour of labouring in our Master's vineyard,
the lighter will be your share; but this will we say,
that no invention of which we have any tradition,
ever offered the advantages to society which that
of unitary combination in distinct and separate

274 CONCLUSION.

establishments now holds out for our acceptance, if
we will but avail ourselves of the offer.

It destroys the gin-palace, the beernshop, the
house of ill-iame, and the gambling-house; true,
you may convert the Phalanstery into any or all of
these, but woe be to him through whom such an
offence cometh, for in the ordinary administration
of the laws such things could not exist; at once it
removes every impediment to marriage, and offers
all possible inducement to its members to enter
that holy state ; it relieves the pressure of popula-
tion, for it provides work for all to do, and it can
afford to give a remuneration for that work, of
which the present system dares not dream. It de-
stroys the Babel of society in which we now truly
find confusion of tongues, blasphemy, impiety, and
every unholy work ; and it separates and classifies
the entire corporate body into manageable portions,
the claim of every individual is distinctly recogni-
zable, and all would meet with the same considera-
tion; it provides a better state of things for the
idle and the dissolute, or it drives them out of the
land ; for unless they reform there b no place for
them, and we well know that our present mode of
action only swells the numbers of these unhappy
victims daily.

There is a worthy and well-meaning, but most
sadly mistaken class in society, who in their con-

CONCLUSION. 275

sideration of our Lord's parable of the grain of
mustard-seed, think it quite sufficient if they merely
cast the seed any where, and leave the caring for it
to the Almighty; but if they would reflect, they
would at once perceive the utter inutility of such
a course. There are many things to be done be-
sides sowing, in the field of the mind of man, and
in that of the world ; you must till the ground, you
must manure it, that is, you must supply every
incentive to growth, you must eradicate every weed
and stone which may choke or hinder the growth
of that grain of mustard-seed, or you will sow in
vain ; either the seed will lie dormant in the earth,
or it will be killed and smothered by the weeds,
which in their turn will draw all the nourishment
from the soil, and the proper plant will dwindle
into nothing or an abortion.

Now neither the Almighty or His agent Nature
act thus ; God first formed the world, then every
thing that could give happiness to man ; then man
himself, and lastly his best gift was added in the
form of woman. Nature takes this course invaria-
bly? — she never plants a tree where a tree was not
meant to grow ; but every work of hers is performed
in the most unvarying regular order. We, on the
contrary, sow churches, gin-shops, and every hiding-
place of vice and crime, side by side, and expect
the church to flourish in the soil of sin ; while the
weeds are rankly overtopping its highest branch,

276 CONCLUSION.

and destroying all its nutriment. The tract distri-
butor, and that satanic agent the Sunday news-
paper, meet and cross each other in their path ; tke
theatre scarcely is closed ere the doors of the home
of God are opened for His worship. Our friends
whom we now address, and they are principally to
be found among the priests of the temple, see these
things, they know the extent of the evil, yet they
content themselves with a brief allusion to them
once in seven days from the isolation of the pvijAi,
instead of rising in a body, and as Phinehas did,
putting away the abomination from among the
people of the Lord. What wonder then that the
plagues of poverty, immorality, injustice, oppression,
and utter perplexity should rage among us as they
do ? Were the plagues of Egypt more destructive
to human life in the aggregate than the above have
been and still are? Look at the thousands and
tens of thousands of victims we annually sacrifice at
the shrines of avarice, drunkenness, and dissipadon!
How many do we slay by hurtful and noxious
trades, long ere the period allotted by their Maker
and by Nature ? A fearful obituary is this ! and
shall we say that no remedy is devisaUe for horrors
such as these? Shall we accuse our Maker foar
permitting these crimes of ours to exist, when we
know He has placed it in our power to obviate
them wholly and in a moment as it were ? How
can we dare as a nation to ask a blessing at His

CONCLUSION. ^ 277

hands, while ours are thus stained with our brother's
blood ? It is well known that many trades shorten
the life of the operative by one half on the average,
but we wink at this, for it brings us gold ; we hoard
up the idol, and he claims his inhuman sacrifice.
With one hand do we pay him that he claims, and
with the other we offer our gift on the altar of our
God ; but our offering is that of him who slew his
brother, a sacrifice abhorrent unto Him whom we
thus presumptuously insult.

O let us hasten then, while time is yet granted,
to wash our hands of these foul stains, and offer
reparation with the best energies both of our minds
and hearts ; ages were too short to do all we ought
to do, but it may be, that if we truly repent and
turn from the grievous error of our way. He who
knows the secrets of all hearts will be pleased to
accept the reparation which we offer ; and we may
rest assured that if so. He will give us more light,
and the difficulties which now appear so overwhelm-
ing in our path, will vanish like the morning cloud or
the early dew. The measures we have been enabled
to propose to the consideration of society may not
be the best; but we trust enough has been said to
induce the thoughtful to ponder deeply on the true
cause of all our present grievances; if we h^ve
spoken openly and without reserve, it has been done
more in sorrow than in anger. Anger we could
feel none, for nothing but the direst infatuation

VOL. III. o

278 CONCLUSION.

could so blind society to ber own best interests, as
she now is blinded ; and all who take a comprehen-
sive view of the state of our nation at this day,
must grieve with the deepest sorrow to See the
abuse she makes of the light wherewith she is so
abundantly blessed. Intoxicated by the idea of
her own greatness, she exclaims, ^*they have
stricken me, but I was not bruised ;" and rolling
fast onwards to the brink of that precipice over
which other nations have been dashed to destruc-
tion and annihilation heretofore, she heeds not the
danger, but with the sound of mirth and revelry
she rushes to her doom. And are there none to be
found who will check this headlong course of hers,
and snatch her as it were a brand from the burning ?
Shall we tamely and passively sit still and see our
candlestick removed, and the light in which we
were so wont to rejoice fading away, and given to
another nation, which shall value it more, and bring
forth the fruits of righteousness? Is the idol of
our worship, the idol of mammon and of gold, to be
honoured with a sacrifice such as this ? let us be-
ware ; other nations have taken up the principles
of association, and they are singularly flourishing
wherever this has been done. France, Germany,
America, and the Brazils, are foremost with the
work, and in no single instance yet has there been
any thing like a failure. If we slumber now,
while they are trimming their lamps, where will

CONCLUSION. 279

oar place be found when the bridegroom cometh,
and our lamp is then discovered to be gone out, —
who will then give us of their oil ? Of what avail
will it be to us then that we have called our Saviour
Lord, Lord, or that He has taught in our streets :
we shall be summoned to give an account of the
care we have taken of that great storehouse of
Divine knowledge, which has been entrusted to
our charge, and how will that summons be responded
to ? what shall we have to answer then ? Our once
holy and beautiful temple will reply, when she
shows her rifted walls, her tottering pinnacles, the
image of our Maker which we have so defaced with
disease, poverty, anguish, and debauchery, will
stagger forward and re-echo the answer of the
temple. Our untrimmed, oil-less lamp will seal
the doom of the foolish virgin, and neither the rock
or the mountain of corruption, which we have
piled up to our own confusion, will suffice to hide
our overwhelming shame.

But if, on the other hand, we rouse our slum-
bering energies, shakeoff our drunken sloth, and trim-
ming our lamps while yet we have time and oil left,
and girding up our loins go forth to meet the Holy
Bridegroom, with what rapturous joy, albeit sub-
dued by a keen sense of our past remissness, shall
we hail the cry that. He is coming ! and how will
any sacrifice we may now make in His name, for
our brother's welfare, be overpaid, when we hear

280 CONCLUSION.

those thrilling words, — " Come ye blessed of my
Father, enter ye into the joy of your Lord.'* We
may think lightly of this now; we may imagme
that such a reward as this may be purchased by a
part of our estate, and we may still keep back the
rest of the price ; we may adduce the plea of expe-
diency, of the loss of revenue, of the value of gold,
and the necessity of making it the standard by
which all our fellow-creatures shall be measured :
thus may we deceive ourselves now, but it will
be at the expense of our oil; the lamp is even
now flickering, and unless we give up our dearly-
cherished idol for a fresh supply of oil, the door indll
as assuredly be closed against us then, as it will joy-
fully open its portals to receive us into a kingdom
of everlasting bliss and happiness, if we are wise
enough to make the only election which can
save us.

Enthusiasts are we ? Let us glory in the title !
Methinks it were a splendid triumph, a right noble
warfare; kings, princes, potentates, and powers,
might envy the leader of a Phalanx, which marched
forth against the array of pride, selfishness, preju-
dice, custom, immorality, poverty, wretchedness,
and crime, — which are some of the powers of this
world, the Legion of the Prince of darkness ; — ^and
what but victory could accrue to such a going forth
as this ? With the sword of the Spirit in one hand,
and the shield of faith in the other, clad in the

CONCLUSION. 281

armour of our Saviour's righteousness from head
to foot, who then could harm us ? Shall the taunt-
ing ridicule of our foes prevent us from advancing ?
Are we to be daunted by the proud boasting of the
Goliath of Society which England has chosen for
her champion? A single stone, well slung and
directed by an invisible all-powerful hand from the
sling of a shepherd-boy, sank deep into the forehead
of him of Gath, and turning the battle against the
Philistines, gave the victory to the armies of Israel,
the chosen people of the Almighty. Take courage
therefore, friends, for the cause of our God is our's;
we fight, that His people may be delivered from the
oppressor, and enthusiasts we will joyfully consent
to be called, if such be the harmless weapons which
our adversaries hurl against us; if that be their
worst, an easy victory is our's, and when the day
is won, a bloodless and a happy field will contain
us all, — while we with heart and voice unitedly
ascribe the praise, thanksgiving, and the honour
unto that God who has given us the victory through
Him who loved us, and died that the victory might
be our's.

THE END.

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