A house-boat on the Styx

JOHN KENDRICK. BANGS.

A HOUSE-BOAT ON
THE STYX

By John Kendrick Bangs

ILLUSTRATED

NEW YORK AND LONDON

HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
1902

B 3

BY THE SAME AUTHOR.

THE BOOMING OF AOKK
HIM,. Illustrated. 16mo,
Cloth, $1 25.

THE EISOUANTKD TYPE-
WRITER. Illustrated by
PKTKR NEWKLU Itimo,
Cloth, Oriiameutal, $1 25.

COFFEE AND REPARTEE aud
THE IDIOT. 1 vol. Il-
lustrated. 16mo, Cloth,
Ornamental, $1 25.

THK DKKAMKBS: A CLUB.
Illustrated by EDWARD
PENFIELD. 16mo, Cloth,
Ornamental, $1 25.

A REBELLIOUS HEROINE.
A Story. Illustrated !>y
W. T. SMEDLEY. 16mo,
Clotli, Ornamental, Un-
cut Edge?, $1 25.

A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE
STYX. Illustrated by
PKTKR NEWRLL. 16mo,
Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25.

THE PURSUIT OF TUB
HOUSE-BOAT. Illustrat-
ed by PETKR NKWELL.
16mo, Cloth, Ornament-
al, $1 25.

PASTE JEW KLS. Being
Seven Tales of Domestic
Woe. 16mo, Cloth, Or-
namental, $1 00.

GHOSTS I HAVE MET, AND
SOMK OTHKRB. With Il-
lustrations by NEWELL,
FROST, and RICHARDS.
16mo, Cloth, Ornament-
al, $1 25.

THE BICYCLERS, AND THREE
OTHER FAROES. Illus-
trated. 16mo, Cloth, Or-
namental, $1 25.

PEKPS AT PEOPLE. Illus-
trated by EI>WARD PEN-
FIKLD. 16mo, Cloth, Or-
namental, $1 25.

Mu. BONAPARTE OF COR-
SICA. Illustrated by H.
W. MoVicKAB. 16mo,
Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25.

THK WATER GHOST, AMD
OTHERS. Illustrated.
I6mo, Cloth, Ornament-
al, $1 25.

THREK WKEKS IN POLITICS.
Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth,
Ornamental, 50 cents.

NEW YORK AND LONDON:
HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS.

Copyright, 1895, 1899, by HARPER & BROTHERS.

rights reserved.

TO
HENRY LOOMIS NELSON

THROUGH WHOSE ACQUIESCENCE THKSK PAPERS WERK FIRST
INFLICTED UPON A LONG-SUFFERING PUBLIC

Cfjts ISooft is DeofcdtctJ

WITH THE HOPE THAT IT MAY BE SOME WEEKS

BEFORE HE BECOMES ELIGIBLE FOR MEMBERSHIP AMONG

THE ASSOCIATED SHADES

CONTENTS

CHAP. PAGE

I. CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY ... 1

H. A DISPUTED AUTHORSHIP 15

m. WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER ... 27

IV. HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION ... 43

V, THE HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE

POETS 57

VI. SOME THEORIES, DARWINIAN AND OTH-
ERWISE 70

VII. A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES' DAT . . 84

VIII. A DISCONTENTED SHADE 97

IX. AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE . . 113

x. STORY-TELLERS' NIGHT 126

XI. AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS . . . 141

XH. THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS . . . 156

ILLUSTRATIONS

JOHN KENDRICK BANGS Frontispiece

CHAUON DISCOVEKS A STRANGE- LOOKING

CRAFT Facing page 2

CHARON IS RECEIVED BY THE HOUSE

COMMITTEE " " 10

'"GOOD SHOT,' SAID DOCTOR JOHNSON, " "

NONCHALANTLY" " " 20

" LORD BACON, ACCOMPANIED BY CHARON,

APPEARED" " " 24

"THE BRILLIANT COMPANY WAS ARRANGED

ABOUT THE BOARD " " " 28

44 AN ORCHESTRA OF FIVE, UNDKR THE LEAD-
ERSHIP OF MOZART, DISCOURSED SWEET

MUSIC" " " 30

DOCTOR JOHNSON IN A RAGE " " 48

"THE MELANCHOLY DANE APPEARED". . " " 52
EJECTING A FRENZIED POET FROM THE

CARD-ROOM " " 68

THE HOUSE- COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS " " 64

"'AND I TOO,' PUT IN BARON MUNCHAU-
SK.N, 4HAVE FREQUENTLY CONVERSED
WITH MONKEYS'" " " 70

ILLUSTRATIONS

"'BOY, IS ADAM IN THE CLUB-HOUSE TO-
DAY ?'" Facing page 80

SIR WALTER RALEIGH MEETING QUEEN

ELIZABETH " "84

LUCRETIA BORGIA AND DELILAH WERE

NOT INVITED " "96

"'WHAT is THE AVERAGE WEIGHT OP A

COPY OP " PUNCH " ?' DRAWLED AR-

TEMASWARD" " " 100

SHAKESPEARE AS A SUBURBAN RESIDENT . " " 106
PHIDIAS SEES "A LIFE-SIZE STATUE OP

THE INVENTOR OP A NEW KIND OP

LARD" " "120

"PHIDIAS MODELLED A BEAUTIFUL HEAD

OP MINERVA" " " 124

"GOLDSMITH, PALE WITH FEAR, RISES TO

SPEAK" «« "130

WELLINGTON PULLS BONAPARTE'S CAMP-
CHAIR FROM UNDER HIM .... " "134

"'I'D LIKE MIGHTILY TO HAVE YOU EX-
PLAIN YOUR STATEMENT, MR. BAR-

NUM'" " "144

" ' PAPA IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT, MR. BAR-

NUM,' SAID SHEM" " " 148

THE FAIR STROLLERS " "166

"IT WAS CAPTAIN KIDD AND HIS PIRATE

CREW" " "168

HSTTKODUCTOKY SKETCH

IT has been a matter of conviction with
the author of A House-Boat on the Styx
that a preface to a book by the author
himself is about as useful as the proverbial
fifth wheel to a cart. It is not until the
cart breaks down that the fifth wheel be-
comes anything but an inconvenience. It
is hoped, therefore, that the reader will
regard this seeming lapse from my stand-
ard of literary virtue as a nuisance, an
act uncalled for and inexcusable. If this
shall happily transpire I shall be content.
I myself have seen no indication that my
craft is in need of repairs. She still floats
evenly upon the keel originally laid down,
and whatever her faults of construction,
which five years after building I see to

iV INTRODUCTORY SKETCH

be many, she remains a stanch old hulk,
and, fully conscious of her weakness, I am
still willing to think of her as possibly my
sole refuge for the future ; rather, how-
ever, because of the good people I shall
meet aboard of her than because I believe
she possesses any intrinsic worth.

All men who write have their favorites
among their books. The House-Boat on
the Styx is not my favorite. Nor is any
of my other written books so distinguished
in my sanctum. My favorite book among
my own is still unwritten, and in all
probability will not ever be. I think that
is why it is my favorite. It is the thing
we cannot do that most attracts us ; it is
the unattainable that gives man some-
thing to look forward to. But I must
confess, with due modesty be it under-
stood, that among the books I have writ-
ten I do not find the House-Boat the least
tolerable. To speak quite frankly, my
own style of humor — if humor it may be
called, and many there are who say that
it is distinctly otherwise — is not the kind

INTRODUCTORY SKETCH V

I most admire. But I am not inclined to
be dogmatic, and however strong my con-
victions as to the limitations of this work,
I should never so far forget myself as to
criticise the taste of those who do find
pleasure in perusing it. Concerning tastes
there is no disputing, and I should not for
an instant think of finding fault with the
thousands of good people who have taken
the House-Boat into their hearts. I am
quite ready to admit that their judgment
of its merits is reasonable in any event.
Here and there I am able to see good
points in this " Stygian Romance," as a
Chicago critic once called it, but for
continuous, satisfactory reading, I prefer
Shakespeare, Milton, and others whose
methods differed somewhat from my own.
I have often been asked where I " found
the idea " of the House-Boat, and I have
given various answers, all differing rad-
ically. I have adapted my reply to the
requirements of those who have asked the
question. The plain truth of the matter,
however, is that I did not find the idea ;

VI INTRODUCTORY SKETCH

the idea found me, so I take no credit
to myself for what some have been good
enough to call " the conception." I think
it quite likely that the idea had been cruis-
ing around in the air for some time before
it anchored in the harbor of my library.
There have not been wanting indications
that others were writing exactly the same
sort of thing coincidently with, if not
actually prior to, the writing of my book.
At least one such effort has appeared, and
I am assured on reliable authority that
it was finished long before mine was be-
gun. It was my good fortune, however, to
have my production launched first, and
I sincerely regret that the splashing there-
of has somewhat dampened the genius of
those who followed. After all, there is
nothing essentially new in the idea. A
gentleman of some standing as a poet,
Mr. Publius Vergilius Maro, a resident of
Brundisium, Italy, had something to say
about the river Styx several years before
the publication of the House- Boat. Many
authors of talent have seen fit to have im-

INTRODUCTORY SKETCH vii

mortals of various periods discuss matters
of importance together, and as for house-
boats themselves they are no new inven-
tion, dating back indeed to the days of
Noah and his talented sons, and these have
invariably been the rendezvous of interest-
ing company. Here were three elements of
undoubted interest, all of them old as the
hills. Why no one ever thought of com-
bining them and so seeming to evolve a
new idea until the year of grace 1894, I
cannot understand ; the plan was certain-
ly practical enough and sufficiently ob-
vious to any one whose eyes were open.
From the time of Vergil, who died in 19
B.C., the idea has been waiting for some
one to take hold upon it and remove it
from the realm of abstractions. My
only pride in the premises is that I
was apparently the first to receive it
hospitably ; and I desire to give notice
here and now to any other abstractions
of similar value that may be floating
around in this universe that I am ready
at any and at all times to act the

Viii INTRODUCTORY SKETCH

good Samaritan to them and to their
friends. (

In concluding this prefatory note I
feel it proper to say that were the book
infinitely worse than it is, I should not
regret having written it, since it has given
to my distinguished coadjutor, Mr. Peter
Newell, the opportunity to make the il-
lustrations which illuminate the text. I
do not think it too much to say of them
that they are a distinct addition to the
stores of great things that have come from
masters of the brush. They are a source
of constant delight to those who know
and appreciate what is good, and I have
always had a warm spot in my heart for
the critic of the Evening Post who first
affirmed my great indebtedness to " Mr.
Newell's portrait - group illustrations,"
adding that, " in humor and imagination
they rank high, and ol pure art also there
is no mean evidence in them."

It is indeed the opportunity that it
gives me publicly to acknowledge my
debt to Mr. Newell for his embellishment

INTRODUCTORY SKETCH ix

of my book that has reconciled me to the
idea of writing this brief note for this new
edition of A House-Boat on the Styx.

YONKERS, N. Y., August 20, 1899

SOME COMMENTS UPON THE ASBESTOS EDITION

Published by Gutenberg, Plantiri & Caxton, of
Cimmeria

DR. JOHNSON : I am not familiar with the Ameri-
can language, and have therefore been un-
able to read it. Is it to be published in
English ?

JAMES BOSWELL : I atn not familiar with the
American language, and have therefore
been unable to read it. Is it to be pub-
lished in English?

BARON MUNCHAUSEN : The book is full of lies.
I think it should be suppressed.

X INTRODUCTORY SKETCH

HOMER : Please send me sixty - three copies. 1
wish to present one to the public library iu
each of my birthplaces.

SHAKESPEARE: I wish I had written it myself.
It is so different from anything I ever
wrote.

CARLYLE : It and Frederick the Great are my
favorite works.

NERO : Excellent fiddling.

HENRY THE EIGHTH : I have sent copies to all
my wives.

CHARLES THE FIRST : I read it last Tuesday
morning and nearly laughed my head off
again.

LOHENGRIN : I have asked Wagner to set it to

music.
SHERLOCK HOLMES : I fail to detect any humor

in it, but give me time. I have a clew.
THACKERAY : Worthy of Dickens.
DICKENS : Worthy of Thackeray.

APOLLYON : Burns rapidly. I recommend it for
winter use.

KOSCIUSKO : It is full of liberties. Give me
death.

WASHINGTON : I value it so highly I have had
my copy insured.

INTRODUCTORY SKETCH xi

BLACKSTONE : In spite of extenuating circum-
stances I cannot but find the author guilty.

NOAH : What's it all about, anyhow ?

COLUMBUS : It is indeed a discovery.

I IALEIGH : Very gossipy.

QUEEN ELIZABETH : Excessively interesting. I
do not recall any of the episodes relating to
Sir Walter and myself, but if history says
they happened I presume they did.

SHEM, HAM, AND JAPHET : A trifle too free with
papa.

AND MANY OTHERS

For Sale by all Booksellers. Price Sixteen
Oboli (Net)

GUTENBERG, PLANTIN & CAXTON
Cimmeria, 1899

s

A HOUSE-BOAT ON
THE STYX

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY

CHARON, the Ferryman of renown, was
cruising slowly along the Styx one pleasant
Friday morning not long ago, and as he
paddled idly on he chuckled mildly to him-
self as he thought of the monopoly in fer-
riage which in the course of years he had
managed to build up.

" It's a great thing," he said, with a
smirk of satisfaction — " it's a great thing
to be the go-between between two states

of being ; to have the exclusive franchise

i

2 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

to export and import shades from one state
to the other, and withal to have had as
clean a record as mine has been. Valu-
able as is my franchise, I never corrupted
a public official in my life, and — "

Here Charon stopped his soliloquy and
his boat simultaneously. As he rounded
one of the many turns in the river a sin-
gular object met his gaze, and one, too,
that filled him with misgiving. It was
another craft, and that was a thing not to
be tolerated. Had he, Charon, owned the
exclusive right of way on the Styx all these
years to have it disputed here in the clos-
ing decade of the Nineteenth Century?
Had not he dealt satisfactorily with all,
whether it was in the line of ferriage or in
the providing of boats for pleasure-trips
up the river? Had he not received ex-
pressions of satisfaction, indeed, from the
most exclusive families of Hades with the
very select series of picnics he had given at
Charon's Glen Island? No wonder, then,
that the queer -looking boat that met his
gaze, moored in a shady nook on the

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY 3

dark side of the river, filled him with dis-
may.

'* Blow me for a landlubber if I like
that !" he said, in a hardly audible whisper.
" And shiver my timbers if I don't find
out what she's there for. Ifanybody thinks
he can run an opposition line to mine on
this river he's mightily mistaken. If it
comes to competition, I can carry shades
for nothing and still quaff the B. & G.
yellow-label benzine three times a day
without experiencing a financial panic.
I'll show 'em a thing or two if they at-
tempt to rival me. And what a boat ! It
looks for all the world like a Florentine
barn on a canal -boat."

Charon paddled up to the side of the
craft, and, standing up in the middle of his
boat, cried out,

" Ship ahoy !"

There was no answer, and the Ferryman
hailed her again. Receiving no response
to his second call, he resolved to investigate
for himself ; so, fastening his own boat to
the stern-post of the stranger, he clambered

4 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

on board. If he was astonished as he sat
in his ferry-boat, he was paralyzed when
he cast his eye over the unwelcome vessel
he had boarded. He stood for at least
two minutes rooted to the spot. His eye
swept over a long, broad deck, the polish
of which resembled that of a ball -room
floor. Amidships, running from three-
quarters aft to three-quarters forward,
stood a structure that in its lines resembled,
as Charon had intimated, a barn, designed
by an architect enamoured of Florentine
simplicity ; but in its construction the rich-
est of woods had been used, and in its inte-
rior arrangement and adornment nothing
more palatial could be conceived.

" What's the blooming thing for ?" said
Charon, more dismayed than ever. "If
they start another line with a craft like
this, I'm very much afraid I'm done for
after all. I wouldn't take a boat like
mine myself if there was a floating palace
like this going the same way. I'll have
to see the Commissioners about this, and
find out what it all means. I suppose

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY 5

it'll cost me a pretty penny, too, confound
them !"

A prey to these unhappy reflections,
Charon investigated further, and the more
he saw the less he liked it. He was about
to encounter opposition, and an opposition
which was apparently backed by persons
of great wealth — perhaps the Commission-
ers themselves. It was a consoling thought
that he had saved enough money in the
course of his career to enable him to live
in cpmfort all his days, but this was not
really what Charon was after. He wished
to acquire enough to retire and become one
of the smart set. It had been done in that
section of the universe which lay on the
bright side of the Styx, why not, therefore,
on the other, he asked.

" I'm pretty well connected even if I am
a boatman," he had been known to say.
"With Chaos for a grandfather, and Ere-
bus and Nox for parents, I've just as good
blood in my veins as anybody in Hades.
The IsToxes are a mighty fine family, not as
bright as the Days, but older ; and we're

« A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

poor — that's it, poor — and it's money makes
caste these days. If I had millions, and
owned a railroad, they'd call me a yacht-
owner. As I haven't, I'm only a boatman.
Bah ! Wait and see ! I'll be giving swell
functions myself some day, and these up-
starts will be on their knees before me beg-
ging to be asked. Then I'll get up a little
aristocracy of my own, and I won't let a
soul into it whose name isn't mentioned
in the Grecian mythologies. Mention in
Burke's peerage and the iSlite directories
of America won't admit anybody to Com-
modore Charon's house unless there's some
other might}7 good reason for it."

Foreseeing an unhappy ending to all his
hopes, the old man clambered sadly back
into his ancient vessel and paddled off into
the darkness. Some hours later, returning
with a large company of new arrivals, while
counting up the profits of the day Charon
again caught sight of the new craft, and
saw that it was brilliantly lighted and
thronged with the most famous citizens of
the Erebean country. Up in the bow was

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY 7

a spirit band discoursing music of the
sweetest sort. Merry peals of laughter
rang out over the dark waters of the Styx.
The clink of glasses and the popping of
corks punctuated the music with a fre-
quency which would have delighted the
soul of the most ardent lover of commas,
all of which so overpowered the grand
master boatman of the Stygian Ferry Com-
pany that he dropped three oboli and an
American dime, which he carried as a pock-
et-piece, overboard. This, of course, added
to his woe ; but it was forgotten in an in-
stant, for some one on the new boat had
turned a search-light directly upon Charon
himself, and simultaneously hailed the mas-
ter of the ferry-boat.

" Charon !" cried the shade in charge of
the light. " Charon, ahoy !"

" Ahoy yourself !" returned the old man,
paddling his craft close up to the stranger.
" What do you want ?"

"You," said the shade. "The house
, committee want to see you right away."

" What for ?" asked Charon, cautiously.

8 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"I'm sure I don't know. I'm only a
member of the club, and house committees
never let mere members know anything
about their plans. All I know is that you
are wanted," said the other.

" Who are the house committee ?" que-
ried the Ferryman.

"Sir Walter Raleigh, Cassius, Demos-
thenes, Blackstone, Doctor Johnson, and
Confucius," replied the shade.

" Tell 'em I'll be back in an hour," said
Charon, pushing off. "I've got a cargo
of shades on board consigned to various
places up the river. I've promised to get
'em all through to-night, but I'll put on a
couple of extra paddles — two of the new
arrivals are working their passage this
trip — and it won't take as long as usual.
What boat is this, anyhow?"

" The Nancy Nbx, of Erebus."

" Thunder !" cried Charon, as he pushed
off and proceeded on his way up the river.
" Named after my mother ! Perhaps it'll
come out all right yet."

More hopeful of mood, Charon, aided by

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY fj

the two dead -head passengers, soon got
through with his evening's work, and in
less than an hour was back seeking admit-
tance, as requested, to the company of Sir
Walter Raleigh and his fellow -members
on the house committee. He was received
by these worthies with considerable effu-
siveness, considering his position in soci-
ety, and it warmed the cockles of his aged
heart to note that Sir Walter, who had al-
ways been rather distant to him since he
had carelessly upset that worthy and Queen
Elizabeth in the middle of the Styx far
back in the last century, permitted him to
shake three fingers of his left hand when
he entered the committee-room.

" How do you do, Charon ?" said Sir
Walter, affably. " We are very glad to
see you."

" Thank you, kindly, Sir Walter," said
the boatman. "I'm glad to hear those
words, your honor, for I've been feeling
very bad since I had the misfortune to
drop your Excellency and her Majesty
overboard. I never knew how it hap-

10 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

pened, sir, but happen it did, and but for
her Majesty's kind assistance it might have
been the worse for us. Eh, Sir Walter?"

The knight shook his head menacingly
at Charon. Hitherto he had managed to
keep it a secret that the Queen had res-
cued him from drowning upon that occa-
sion by swimming ashore herself first and
throwing Sir Walter her ruff as soon as
she landed, which he had used as a life-
preserver.

" 'Sh !" he said, sotto voce. " Don't say
anything about that, my man."

" Very well, Sir Walter, I won't," said
the boatman ; but he made a mental note
of the knight's agitation, and perceived a
means by which that illustrious courtier
could be made useful to him in his schem-
ing for social advancement.

" I understood you had something to say
to me," said Charon, after he had greeted
the others.

"We have," said Sir Walter. "We
want you to assume command of this
boat."

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY H

The old fellow's eyes lighted up with
pleasure.

" You want a captain, eh ?" he said.

" No," said Confucius, tapping the table
with a diamond-studded chop-stick. " No.
We want a — er — what the deuce is it they
call the functionary, Cassius ?"

" Senator, I think," said Cassius.

Demosthenes gave a loud laugh.

"Your mind is still running on Senator-
ships, my dear Cassius. That is quite evi-
dent," he said. " This is not one of them,
however. The title we wish Charon to as-
sume is neither Captain nor Senator; it is
Janitor."

"What's that?" asked Charon, a little
disappointed. " What does a Janitor have
to do ?"

" He has to look after things in the
house," explained Sir Walter. " He's a
sort of proprietor by proxy. We want you
to take charge of the house, and see to it
that the boat is kept shipshape."

"Where is the house?" queried the as-
tonished boatman.

12 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" This is it," said Sir Walter. " This is
the house, and the boat too. In fact, it is a
house-boat."

" Then it isn't a new-fangled scheme to
drive me out of business?" said Charon,
warily.

" Not at all," returned Sir Walter. "It's
a new - fangled scheme to set you up in
business. We'll pay you a large salary,
and there won't be much to do. You are
the best man for the place, because, while
you don't know much about houses, you
do know a great deal about boats, and the
boat part is the most important part of a
house -boat. If the boat sinks, you can't
save the house ; but if the house burns, you
may be able to save the boat. See ?"

" I think I do, sir," said Charon.

"Another reason why we want to em-
ploy you for Janitor," said Confucius, " is
that our club wants to be in direct com-
munication with both sides of the Styx;
and we think you as Janitor would be able
to make better arrangements for transpor-
tation with yourself as boatman, than some

CHARON MAKES A DISCOVERY 13

other man as Janitor could make with
you."

" Spoken like a sage," said Demosthenes.

" Furthermore," said Cassius, " occasion-
ally we shall want to have this boat towed
up or down the river, according to the
house committee's pleasure, and we think
it would be well to have a Janitor who
has some influence with the towing com-
pany which you represent."

" Can't this boat be moved without tow-
ing ?" asked Charon.

" No," said Cassius.

"And I'm the only man who can tow it.
eh?"

"You are," said Bl.ickstone. "Worse
luck."

"And you want me to be Janitor on a
salary of what ?"

"A hundred obeli a month," said Sir
Walter, uneasily.

"Very well, gentlemen," said Charon.
" I'll accept the office on a salary of two
hundred oboli a month, with Saturdays
off."

14 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

The committee went into executive ses-
sion for five minutes, and on their return
informed Charon that in behalf of the As-
sociated Shades they accepted his offer.

" In behalf of what ?" the old man asked.

" The Associated Shades," said Sir Wal-
ter. " The swellest organization in Hades,
whose new house -boat you are now on
board of. When shall you be ready to
begin work ?"

" Right away," said Charon, noting by
the clock that it was the hour of midnight.
" I'll start in right away, and as it is now
Saturday morning, I'll begin by taking my
day off."

II

A DISPUTED AUTHOESHIP

" How are you, Charon ?" said Shake-
speare, as the Janitor assisted him on
board. "Any one here to-night?"

"Yes, sir," said Charon. "Lord Bacon
is up in the library, and Doctor Johnson is
down in the billiard -room, playing pool
with Nero."

"Ha-ha!" laughed Shakespeare. "Pool,
eh ? Does Nero play pool ?"

" Not as well as he does the fiddle, sir,"
said the Janitor, with a twinkle in his eye.

Shakespeare entered the house and tossed
up an obolus. "Heads — Bacon ; tails —
pool with Nero and Johnson," he said.

The coin came down with heads up, and
Shakespeare went into the pool-room, just
to show the Fates that he didn't care a
tuppence for their verdict as registered

16 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

through the obolus. It was a peculiar cus-
tom of Shakespeare's to toss up a coin to
decide questions of little consequence, and
then do the thing the coin decided he
should not do. It showed, in Shakespeare's
estimation, his entire independence of those
dull persons who supposed that in them
was centred the destiny of all mankind.
The Fates, however, only smiled at these
little acts of rebellion, and it was common
gossip in Erebus that one of the trio had
told the Furies that they had observed
Shakespeare's tendency to kick over the
traces, and always acted accordingly. They
never let the coin fall so as to decide a
question the way they wanted it, so that
unwittingly the great dramatist did their
will after all. It was a part of their pLan
that upon this occasion Shakespeare should
play pool with Doctor Johnson and the
Emperor Nero, and hence it was that the
coin bade him repair to the library and
chat with Lord Bacon.

" Hullo, William," said the Doctor, pock-
eting three balls on the break. "How's

A DISPUTED AUTHORSHIP 17

our little Swanlet of Avon this after-
noon ?"

" Worn out," Shakespeare replied. "I've
been hard at work on a play this morning,
and I'm tired."

"All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy," said Nero, grinning broadly.

"You are a bright spirit," said Shake-
speare, with a sigh. " I wish I had thought
to work you up into a tragedy."

"I've often wondered why you didn't,"
said Doctor Johnson. " He'd have made a
superb tragedy, Nero would. I don't be-
lieve there was any kind of a crime he left
uncommitted. Was there, Emperor ?"

"Yes. I never wrote an English dic-
tionary," returned the Emperor, dryly.
"I've murdered everything but English,
though."

" I could have made a fine tragedy out
of yon," said Shakespeare. "Just think
what a dreadful climax for a tragedy it
would be, Johnson, to have Nero, as the
curtain fell, playing a violin solo."

"Pretty good," returned the Doctor.
2

18 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" But what's the use of killing off your au-
dience that way ? It's better business to
let 'em live, I say. Suppose Nero gave a
London audience that little musicale he
provided at Queen Elizabeth's Wednesdaj^
night. How many purely mortal beings,
do you think, would have come out alive ?"

" Not one," said Shakespeare. " I was
mighty glad that night that we were an
immortal band. If it had been possible to
kill us we'd have died then and there."

" That's all right," said Nero, with a sig-
nificant shake of his head. " As my friend
Bacon makes lago say, ' Beware, my lord,
of jealousy.' You never could play a gar-
den hose, much less a fiddle."

" What do you mean by attributing those
words to Bacon ?" demanded Shakespeare,
getting red in the face.

" Oh, come now, William," remonstrated
Nero. " It's all right to pull the wool over
the eyes of the mortals. That's what they're
there for; but as for us — we're all in the
secret here. What's the use of putting on
nonsense with us ?",

A DISPUTED AUTHORSHIP 19

" We'll see in a minute what the use is,"
retorted the Avonian. " We'll have Bacon
down here." Here he touched an electric
button, and Charon came in answer.

" Charon, bring Doctor Johnson the usual
glass of ale. Get some ice for the Emper-
or, and ask Lord Bacon to step down here
a minute."

" I don't want any ice," said. Nero.

" Not now," retorted Shakespeare, " but
you will in a few minutes. When we have
finished with you, you'll want an iceberg.
I'm getting tired of this idiotic talk about
not having written my own works. There's
one thing about Nero's music that I've
never said, because I haven't wanted to
hurt his feelings, but since he has chosen to
cast aspersions upon my honesty I haven't
any hesitation in saying it now. I believe
it was one of his fiddlings that sent Nature
into convulsions and caused the destruction
of Pompeii — so there ! Put that on your
music rack and fiddle it, my little Emper-
or."

Nero's face grew purple with anger, and

20 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE 8TVX

if Shakespeare had been anything but a
shade he would have fared ill, for the en-
raged Roman, poising his cue on high as
though it were a lance, hurled it at the im-
pertinent dramatist with all his strength,
and with such accuracy of aim withal that
it pierced the spot beneath which in life the
heart of Shakespeare used to beat.

" Good shot," said Doctor Johnson, non-
chalantly. "If you had been a mortal,
William, it would have been the end of
you."

"You can't kill me," said Shakespeare,
shrugging his shoulders. " I know seven
dozen actors in the United States who ar?
trying to do it, but they can't. I wish they'd
try to kill a critic once in a while instead
of me, though," he added. " I went over
to Boston one night last week, and, un-
known to anybody, I waylaid a fellow who
was to play Hamlet that night. I drugged
him, and went to the theatre and played
the part myself. It was the coldest house
you ever saw in your life. When the au-
dience did applaud, it sounded like an ice-

A DISPUTED AUTHORSHIP 21

man chopping up ice with a small pick.
Several times 1 looked up at the galleries
to see if there were not icicles growing on
them, it was so cold. Well, I did the best
I could with the part, and next morning
watched curiously for the criticisms."

" Favorable ?" asked the Doctor.

" They all dismissed me with a line,"
said the dramatist. " Said my conception
of the part was not Shakespearian. And
that's criticism !"

"No," said the shade of Emerson, which
had strolled in while Shakespeare was talk-
ing, " that isn't criticism ; that's Boston."

" Who discovered Boston, anyhow ?"
asked Doctor Johnson. " It wasn't Colum-
bus, was it ?"

" Oh no,'; said Emerson. " Old Governor
Winthrop is to blame for that. When he
settled at Charlestown he saw the old Ind-
ian town of Shawrrmt across the Charles."

" And Shawmut was the Boston microbe,
was it?" asked Johnson.

" Yes," said Emerson.

"Spelt with a P, I suppose ?" said Shake-

22 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

speare. "P-S-H-A-W, Pshaw, M-TJ-T,
mut, Pshawmut, so called because the
inhabitants are always muttering pshaw.
Eh?"

"Pretty good," said Johnson. "I wish
I'd said that."

" Well, tell Boswell," said Shakespeare.
" He'll make you say it, and it'll be all the
same in a hundred years."

Lord Bacon, accompanied by Charon and
the ice for Nero and the ale for Doctor
Johnson, appeared as Shakespeare spoke.
The philosopher bowed stiffly at Doctor
Johnson, as though he hardly approved of
him, extended his left hand to Shakespeare,
and stared coldly at Nero.

" Did you send for me, William ?" he
asked, languidly.

" I did," said Shakespeare. " I sent for
you because this imperial violinist here says
that you wrote Othello"

" What nonsense," said Bacon. " The
only plays of yours I wrote were Ham — '

" Sh !" said Shakespeare, shaking his
head madly. " Hush. Nobody's said any-

A DISPUTED AUTHORSHIP 23

thing about that. This is purely a discus
sion of Othello."

"The fiddling ex -Emperor Nero," said
Bacon, loudly enough to be heard all about
the room, " is mistaken when he attributes
Othello to me."

" Aha, Master Nero !f cried Shakespeare,
triumphantly. " What did I tell you ?"

" Then I erred, that is all," said Nero.
" And I apologize. But really, my Lord,"
he added, addressing Bacon, "I fancied
I detected your fine Italian hand in
that."

" No, I had nothing to do with the Othel-
lo" said Bacon. " I never really knew who
wrote it."

"Never mind about that,M whispered
Shakespeare. "You've said enough."

" That's good too," said Nero, with a
chuckle. "Shakespeare here claims it as
his own."

Bacon smiled and nodded approvingly
at the blushing Avonian.

" Will always was having his little joke,"
he said. " Eh, Will ? How we fooled 'em

24 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

on Hamlet, eh, my boy ? Ha-ha-ha ! It
was the greatest joke of the century."

" Well, the laugh is on you," said Doc-
tor Johnson. " If you wrote Hamlet and
didn't have the sense to acknowledge it,
you present to my mind a closer resem-
blance to Simple Simon than to Socrates.
For my part, I don't believe you did write
it, and I do believe that Shakespeare did.
I can tell that by the spelling in the orig-
inal edition.'

" Shakespeare was my stenographer,
gentlemen," said Lord Bacon. "If you
want to know the whole truth, he did write
Hamlet, literally. But it was at my dic-
tation."

" I deny it," said Shakespeare. " I ad-
mit you gave me a suggestion now and
then so as to keep it dull and heavy in
spots, so that it would seem more like a
real tragedy than a comedy punctuated
with deaths, but beyond that you had noth-
ing to do with it."

" I side with Shakespeare," put in Emer-
son. " I've seen his autographs, and no

LORD BACON, ACCOMPANIED BY CHARON, APPEARED "

A DISPUTED AUTHORSHIP 25

sane person would employ a man who
wrote such a villanously bad hand as an
amanuensis. It's no use, Bacon, we know
a thing or two. I'm a New-Englander, I
am."

" Well," said Bacon, shrugging his shoul-
ders as though the results of the contro-
versy were immaterial to him, "have it
so if you please. There isn't any money in
Shakespeare these days, so what's the use
of quarrelling ? I wrote Hamlet, and Shake-
speare knows it. Others know it. Ah,
here comes Sir Walter Raleigh. We'll
leave it to him. He was cognizant of the
whole affair."

" I leave it to nobody," said Shakespeare,
sulkily.

" What's the trouble ?" asked Raleigh,
sauntering up and taking a chair under
the cue-rack. " Talking politics ?"

"Not we," said Bacon. "It's the old
question about the authorship of Hamlet.
Will, as usual, claims it for himself. He'll
be saying he wrote Genesis next."

" Well, what if he does ?" laughed Ra-

26 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

leigh. " We all know Will and his droll
ways."

" No doubt," put in Nero. " But the
question of Hamlet always excites him so
that we'd like to have it settled once and
for all as to who wrote it. Bacon says
you know."

"I do," said Raleigh.

"Then settle it once and for all," said
Bacon. " I'm rather tired of the discus-
sion myself."

" Shall I tell 'em, Shakespeare ?" asked
Raleigh.

"It's immaterial to me," said Shake-
speare, airily. " If you wish — only tell the
truth."

" Very well," said Raleigh, lighting a
cigar. " I'm not ashamed of it. I wrote
the thing myself."

There was a roar of laughter which,
when it subsided, found Shakespeare rap-
idly disappearing through the door, while
all the others in the room ordered various
beverages at the expense of Lord Bacon.

Ill

4

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER

IT was Washington's Birthday, and the
gentleman who had the pleasure of be-
ing Father of his Country decided to
celebrate it at the Associated Shades'
floating palace on the Styx, as the Ely-
sium Weekly Gossip, "a Journal of So-
ciety," called it, by giving a dinner to
a select number of friends. Among the
invited guests were Baron Munchau-
sen, Doctor Johnson, Confucius, Napo-
leon Bonaparte, Diogenes, and Ptolemy.
Boswell was also present, but not as a
guest. He had a table off to one side
all to himself, and upon it there were
no china plates, silver spoons, knives,
forks, and dishes of fruit, but pads, pens,
and ink in great quantity. It was evi-
dent that Bos well's reportorial duties did

28 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

not end with his labors in the mundane
sphere.

The dinner was set down to begin at
seven o'clock, so that the guests, as was
proper, sauntered slowly in between that
hour and eight. The menu was partic-
ularly choice, the shades of countless
canvas -back ducks, terrapin, and sheep
having been called into requisition, and
cooked by no less a person than Brillat-
Savarin, in the hottest oven he could find
in the famous cooking establishment su-
perintended by the government. Wash-
ington was on hand early, sampling the ol-
ives and the celery and the wines, and giv-
ing to Charon final instructions as to the
manner in which he wished things served.

The first guest to arrive was Confucius,
and after him came Diogenes, the latter
in great excitement over having discovered
a comparatively honest man, whose name,
however, he had not been able to ascertain,
though he was under the impression that
it was something like Burpin, or Turpin,
he said.

" THE BRILLIANT COMPANY WAS ARRANGED ABOUT THE BOARD

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 29

At eight the brilliant company was ar-
ranged comfortably about the board. An
orchestra of five, under the leadership of
Mozart, discoursed sweet music behind a
screen, and the feast of reason and flow
of soul began.

"This is a great day," said Doctor
Johnson, assisting himself copiously to the
olives.

"Yes," said Columbus, who was also a
guest — " yes, it is a great day, but it isn't a
marker to a little day in October I wot of."

" Still sore on that point ?" queried Con-
fucius, trying the edge of his knife on the
shade of a salted almond.

"Oh no," said Columbus, calmly. "I
don't feel jealous of Washington. He is
the Father of his Country and I am not.
I only discovered the orphan. I knew the
country before it had a father or a mother.
There wasn't anybody who was willing
to be even a sister to it when I knew it.
But G. W. here took it in hand, groomed
it down, spanked it when it needed it, and
started it off on the career which has

80 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

made it worth while for me to let my
name be known in connection with it.
Why should I be jealous of him ?"

" I am sure I don't know why anybody
anywhere should be jealous of anybody
else anyhow," said Diogenes. " I never
was and I never expect to be. Jealousy
is a quality that is utterly foreign to the
nature of an honest man. Take my own
case, for instance. When I was what they
call alive, how did I live ?"

" I don't know," said Doctor Johnson,
turning his head as he spoke so that Bos-
well could not fail to hear. "I wasn't
there."

Boswell nodded approvingly, chuckled
slightly, and put the Doctor's remark
down for publication in The Gossip.

11 You're doubtless right, there," retort-
ed Diogenes. " What you don't know
would fill a circulating library. Well — I
lived in a tub. Now, if I believed in
envy, I suppose you think I'd be envious
of people who live in brownstone fronts,
with back yards and mortgages, eh ?"

AN ORCHESTRA OF FIVE, UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF
MOZART, DISCOURSED SWEET MUSIC "

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 31

"I'd rather live under a mortgage than
in a tub," said Bonaparte, contemptu-
ously.

"I know you would," said Diogenes.
"Mortgages never bothered you — but 1
wouldn't. In the first place, my tub was
warm. I never saw a house with a brown-
stone front that was, except in summer,
and then the owner cursed it because it
was so. My tub had no plumbing in it to
get out of order. It hadn't any flights of
stairs in it that had to be climbed after
dinner, or late at night when I came home
from the club. It had no front door with
a wandering key-hole calculated to elude
the key ninety-nine times out of every
hundred efforts to bring the two together
and reconcile their differences, in order
that their owner may get into his own
house late at night. It wasn't chained
down to any particular neighborhood, as
are most brownstone fronts. If the neigh-
borhood ran down, I could move my tub
off into a better neighborhood, and it
never lost value through the deterioration

82 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

of its location. I never had to pay taxes
on it, and no burglar was ever so hard up
that he thought of breaking into my
habitation to rob me. So why should I
be jealous of the brownstone-house dwell-
ers ? I am a philosopher, gentlemen. I
tell you, philosophy is the thief of jealousy,
and I had the good -luck to find it out
early in life."

" There is much in what you say," said
Confucius. " But there's another side to
the matter. If a man is an aristocrat by
nature, as I was, his neighborhood never
could run down. Wherever he lived
would be the swell section, so that really
your last argument isn't worth a stewed
icicle."

" Stewed icicles are pretty good, though,'"
said Baron Munchausen, with an ecstatic
smack of his lips. " I've eaten them many
a time in the polar regions."

" I have no doubt of it," put in Doctor
Johnson. "You've eaten fried pyramids
in Africa, too, haven't you ?"

"Only once," said the Baron, calrnlv.

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 38

" And I can't say I enjoyed them. They
are rather heavy for the digestion."

"That's so," said Ptolemy. "I've had
experience with pyramids myself."

" You never ate one, did you, Ptolemy ?"
queried Bonaparte.

" Not raw," said Ptolemy, with a chuckle.
" Though I've been tempted many a time
to call for a second joint of the Sphinx."

There was a laugh at this, in which all
but Baron Munchausen joined.

" I think it is too bad," said the Baron,
as the laughter subsided — "I think it is
very much too bad that you shades have
brought mundane prejudice with you into
this sphere. Just because some people
with finite minds profess to disbelieve my
stories, you think it well to be sceptical
yourselves. I don't care, however, wheth-
er you believe me or not. The fact re-
mains that I have eaten one fried pyra-
mid and countless stewed icicles, and the
stewed icicles were finer than any dia-
mond-back rat Confucius ever had served
at a state banquet."

84 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"Where's Shakespeare to-night?" asked
Confucius, seeing that the Baron was be-
ginning to lose his temper, and wishing to
avoid trouble by changing the subject.
" Wasn't he invited, General ?"

"Yes," said Washington, "he was in-
vited, but he couldn't come. He had to
go over the river to consult with an auto-
graph syndicate they've formed in New
York. You know, his autographs sell for
about one thousand dollars apiece, and
they're trying to get up a scheme whereby
he shall contribute an autograph a week
to the syndicate, to be sold to the public.
It seems like a rich scheme, but there's
one thing in the way. Posthumous auto-
graphs haven't very much of a market,
because the mortals can't be made to
believe that they are genuine ; but the
syndicate has got a man at work trying
to get over that. These Yankees are a
mighty inventive lot, and they think per-
haps the scheme can be worked. The
Yankee is an inventive genius."

"It was a Yankee invented that tale

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 35

about your not being able to prevaricate,
wasn't it, George ?" asked Diogenes.

Washington smiled acquiescence, and
Doctor Johnson returned to Shakespeare.

"I'd rather have a morning-glory vine
than one of Shakespeare's autographs,"
said he. "They are far prettier, and
quite as legible."

" Mortals wouldn't," said Bonaparte.

" What fools they be !" chuckled John-
son.

At this point the canvas-back ducks
were served, one whole shade of a bird for
each guest.

"Fall to, gentlemen," said Washington,
gazing hungrily at his bird. " When
canvas-back ducks are on the table con-
versation is not required of any one."

" It is fortunate for us that we have so
considerate a host," said Confucius, un-
fastening his robe and preparing to do
justice to the fare set before him. "I
have dined often, but never before with
one who was willing to let me eat a bird
like this in silence. Washington, here's

36 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

to you. May your life be chequered with
birthdays, and may ours be equally well
supplied with feasts like this at your ex-
pense !"

The toast was drained, and the diners
fell to as requested.

"They're great, aren't they?" whis-
pered Bonaparte to Munchausen.

"Well, rather," returned the Baron.
"I don't see why the mortals don't erect
a statue to the canvas-back."

" Did anybody at this board ever have
as much canvas-back duck as he could
eat?" asked Doctor Johnson.

" Yes," said the Baron. " I did. Once."

" Oh, you !" sneered Ptolemy. "You've
had everything."

"Except the mumps," retorted Mun-
chausen. " But, honestly, I did once have
as much canvas-back duck as I could eat."

" It must have cost you a million," said
Bonaparte. "But even then they'd be
cheap, especially to a man like yourself who
could perform miracles. If I could have
performed miracles with the ease which

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 37

was so characteristic of all your efforts,
I'd never have died at St. Helena."

"What's the odds where you died?"
said Doctor Johnson. "If it hadn't been
at St. Helena it would have been some-
where else, and you'd have found death as
stuffy in one place as in another."

" Don't let's talk of death," said Wash-
ington. " I am sure the Baron's tale of
how he came to have enough canvas-back
is more diverting."

"I've no doubt it is more perverting,'1
said Johnson.

" It happened this way," said Munchau
sen. " I was out for sport, and I got it.,
I was alone, my servant having fallen ill,
which was unfortunate, since I had always
left the filling of my cartridge-box to him.
and underestimated its capacity. I started
at six in the morning, and, not having
hunted for several months, was not in
very good form, so, no game appearing
for a time, I took a few practice shots,
trying to snip off the slender tops of the
pine-trees that I encountered with my

88 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

bullets, succeeding tolerably well for one
who was a little rusty, bringing down
ninety-nine out of the first one hundred
and one, and missing the remaining two
by such a close margin that they swayed
to and fro as though fanned by a slight
breeze. As I fired my one hundred and
first shot what should I see before me but
a flock of these delicate birds floating upon
the placid waters of the bay !"

" Was this the Bay of Biscay, Baron ?"
queried Columbus, with a covert smile at
Ptolemy.

" I counted them," said the Baron, ignor-
ing the question, " and there were just
sixty-eight. 'Here's a chance for the
record, Baron,' said I to myself, and then
I made ready to shoot them. Imagine
my dismay, gentlemen, when I discovered
that while I had plenty of powder left I
had used up all my bullets. Now, as you
may imagine, to a man with no bullets at
hand, the sight of sixty-eight fat canvas-
backs is hardly encouraging, but I was
resolved to have every one of those birds;

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 39

the question was, how shall I do it ? I
never can think on water, so I paddled qui-
etly ashore and began to reflect. As I lay
there deep in thought, I saw lying upon the
beach before me a superb oyster, and as re-
flection makes me hungry I seized upon the
bivalve and swallowed him. As he went
down something stuck in my throat, and,
extricating it, what should it prove to be
but a pearl of surpassing beauty. My
first thought was to be content with my
day's find. A pearl worth thousands
surely was enough to satisfy the most
ardent lover of sport ; but on looking up
I saw those ducks still paddling content-
edly about, and I could not bring myself
to give them up. Suddenly the idea
came, the pearl is as large as a bullet, and
fully as round. Why not use it ? Then,
as thoughts come to me in shoals, I next
reflected, 'Ah — but this is only one bullet
as against sixty-eight birds:' immediately
a third thought came, ' why not shoot
them all with a single bullet? It is pos-
sible, though not probable.' I snatched

40 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

out a pad of paper and a pencil, made a
rapid calculation based on the doctrine of
chances, and proved to my own satisfac-
tion that at some time or another within
the following two weeks those birds would
doubtless be sitting in a straight line and
paddling about, Indian file, for an instant.
I resolved to await that instant. I loaded
my gun with the pearl and a sufficient
quantity of powder to send the charge
through every one of the ducks if, per-
chance, the first duck were properly hit.
To pass over wearisome details, let me say
that it happened just as I expected. I
had one week and six days to wait, but
finally the critical moment came. It was at
midnight, but fortunately the moon was at
the full, and I could see as plainly as though
it had been day. The moment the ducks
were in line I aimed and fired. They every
one squawked, turned over, and died. My
pearl had pierced the whole sixty-eight."

Boswell blushed.

"Ahem!" said Doctor Johnson. "It
was a pity to lose the pearl."

WASHINGTON GIVES A DINNER 41

"That," said Munchausen, "was the
most interesting part of the story. I had
made a second calculation in order to save
the pearl. I deduced the amount of pow-
der necessary to send the gem through
sixty-seven and a half birds, and my de-
duction was strictly accurate. It fulfilled
its mission of death on sixty-seven and
was found buried in the heart of the sixty-
eighth, a trifle discolored, but still a pearl,
and worth a king's ransom."

Kapoleon gave a derisive laugh,
and the other guests sat with incre-
dulity depicted upon every line of their
faces.

"Do you believe that story yourself,
Baron ?" asked Confucius.

"Why not?" asked the Baron. " Is there
anything improbable in it? Why should
you disbelieve it? Look at our friend
Washington here. Is there any one here
who knows more about truth than he does ?
He doesn't disbelieve it. He's the only man
at this table who treats me like a man of
honor."

42 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"He's host and has to," said Johnson,
shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, Washington, let me put the
direct question to you," said the Baron.
"Say you aren't host and are under no
obligation to be courteous. Do you be-
lieve I haven't been telling the truth ?"

" My dear Munchausen," said the Gen-
eral, "don't ask me. I'm not an au-
thority. I can't tell a lie — not even when
I hear one. If you say your story is true,
I must believe it, of course ; but — ah —
really, if I were you, I wouldn't tell it
again unless I could produce the pearl and
the wish-bone of one of the ducks at
least."

Whereupon, as the discussion was be-
ginning to grow acrimonious, Washington
hailed Charon, and, ordering a boat, in-
vited his guests to accompany him over
into the world of realities, where they
passed the balance of the evening haunt-
ing a vaudeville performance at one of the
London music-halls.

IV

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION

IT was a beautiful night on the Styx,
and the silvery surface of that picturesque
stream was dotted with gondolas, canoes,
and other craft to an extent that made
Charon feel like a highly prosperous sav-
ings-bank. Within the house-boat were
gathered a merry party, some of whom
were on mere pleasure bent, others of
whom had come to listen to a debate, for
which the entertainment committee had
provided, between the venerable patriarch
Noah and the late eminent showman P. T.
Barnum. The question to be debated was
upon the resolution passed by the com-
mittee, that "The Animals of the Antedi-
luvian Period were Far More Attractive
for Show Purposes than those of Modern
Make," and, singular to relate, the affirma-

44 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

tive was placed in the hands of Mr. Bar-
num, while to Noah had fallen the task of
upholding the virtues of the modern freak.
It is with the party on mere pleasure bent
that we have to do upon this occasion. The
proceedings of the debating-party are as
yet in the hands of the official stenographer,
but will be made public as soon as they
are ready.

The pleasure-seeking group were gath-
ered in the smoking-room of the club,
which was, indeed, a smoking-room of a
novel sort, the invention of an unknown
shade, who had sold all the rights to the
club through a third party, anonymously,
preferring, it seemed, to remain in the
Elysian world, as he had been in the mun-
dane sphere, a mute inglorious Edison. It
was a simple enough scheme, and, for a
wonder, no one in the world of substan-
tialities has thought to take it up. The
v, smoke was stored in reservoirs, just as if
it were so much gas or water, and was sup-
plied on the hot-air furnace principle from
a huge furnace in the hold of the house-

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION 45

boat, into which tobacco was shovelled by
the hired man of the club night and day.
The smoke from the furnace, carried
through flues to the smoking-room, was
there received and stored in the reservoirs,
with each of which was connected one doz-
en rubber tubes, having at their ends am-
ber mouth-pieces. Upon each of these
mouth-pieces was arranged a small meter
registering the amount of smoke consumed
through it, and for this the consumer paid
so much a foot. The value of the plan
was threefold. It did away entirely with
ashes, it saved to the consumers the value
of the unconsumed tobacco that is repre-
sented by the unsmoked cigar ends, and it
averted the possibility of cigarettes.

Enjoying the benefits of this arrange-
ment upon the evening in question were
Shakespeare, Cicero, Henry VIII., Doctor
Johnson, and others. Of course Boswell
was present too, for a moment, with his
note-book, and this fact evoked some criti-
cism from several of the smokers.

" You ought to be up-stairs in the lect-

46 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

ure -room, Bos well," said Shakespeare, as
the great biographer took his seat behind
his friend the Doctor. " Doesn't the Gos-
sip want a report of the debate ?"

"It does," said Bos well; " but the Gos-
sip endeavors always to get the most inter-
esting items of the day, and Doctor John^
son has informed me that he expects to be
unusually witty this evening, so I have
come here."

" Excuse me for saying it, Boswell,"
said the Doctor, getting red in the face
over this unexpected confession, "but,
really, you talk too much."

"That's good," said Cicero. "Stick
that down, Boz, and print it. It's the best
thing Johnson has said this week."

Boswell smiled weakly, and said : " But,
Doctor, you did say that, you know. I
can prove it, too, for you told me some of
the things you were going to say. Don't
you remember, you were going to lead
Shakespeare up to making the remark that
he thought the English language was the
greatest language in creation, whereupon

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION 47

you were going to ask him why he didn't
learn it?"

" Get out of here, you idiot!" roared the
Doctor. " You're enough to give a man
apoplexy."

"You're not going back on the ladder
by which you have climbed, are you,
Samuel ?" queried Boswell, earnestly.

" The wha-a-t ?" cried the Doctor, angri-
ly. "The ladder — on which I climbed?
You ? Great heavens ! That it should
come to this ! . . . Leave the room — in-
stantly ! Ladder ! By all that is beauti-
ful— the ladder upon which I, Samuel
Johnson, the tallest person in letters, have
climbed ! Go ! Do you hear ?"

Boswell rose meekly, and, with tears
coursing down his cheeks, left the room.

" That's one on you, Doctor," said Cicero,
wrapping his toga about him. "I think
you ought to order up three baskets of
champagne on that."

" I'll order up three baskets full of Bos-
well's remains if he ever dares speak like
that again!" retorted the Doctor, shaking

48 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

with anger. " He — my ladder — why, it's
ridiculous."

" Yes," said Shakespeare, dryly. " That's
why we laugh."

" You were a little hard on him, Doc-
tor," said Henry VIII. " He was a valu-
able man to you. He had a great eye for
your greatness."

"Yes. If there's any feature of Bos-
well that's greater than his nose and ears,
it's his great I," said the Doctor.

" You'd rather have him change his I to
a U, I presume," said Napoleon, quietly.

The Doctor waved his hand impatiently.

" Let's drop him," he said. " Dropping
one's biographer isn't without precedent.
As soon as any man ever got to know Na-
poleon well enough to write him up he
sent him to the front, where he could get a
little lead in his system."

" I wish I had had a Boswell all the
same," said Shakespeare. " Then the
world would have known the truth about
me."

" It wouldn't if he'd relied on your word

DOCTOR JOHNSON IN A RAGE

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION 49

for it," retorted the Doctor. " Hullo !
here's Hamlet."

As the Doctor spoke, in very truth the
melancholy Dane appeared in the door-
way, more melancholy of aspect than ever.

" What's the matter with you ?" ask-
ed Cicero, addressing the new - comer.
" Haven't you got that poison out of your
system yet ?"

"Not entirely," said Hamlet, with a
sigh; "but it isn't that that's bothering
me. It's Fate."

"We'll get out an injunction against
Fate if you like," said Blackstone. " Is it
persecution, or have you deserved it ?"

" I think it's persecution," said Hamlet.
" I never wronged Fate in my life, and why
she should pursue me like a demon through
all eternity is a thing I can't understand."

" Maybe Ophelia is back of it," suggest-
ed Doctor Johnson. " These women have
a great deal of sympathy for each other,
and, candidly, I think you behaved pretty
rudely to Ophelia. It's a poor way to show
your love for a young woman, running a

60 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

sword through her father every night for
pay, and driving the girl to suicide with
equal frequency, just to show theatre-goers
what a smart little Dane you can be if you

try."

"'Tisn't me does all that," returned
Hamlet. "I only did it once, and even
then it wasn't as bad as Shakespeare made
it out to be."

"I put it down just as it was," said
Shakespeare, hotly, " and you can't dis-
pute it."

" Yes, he can," said Yorick. " You made
him tell Horatio he knew me well, and
he never met me in his life."

"I never told Horatio anything of the
sort," said Hamlet. " I never entered the
graveyard even, and I can prove an
alibi."

"And, what's more, he couldn't have
made the remark the way Shakespeare has
it, anyhow," said Yorick, " and for a very
good reason. 1 wasn't buried in that grave-
yard, and Hamlet and I can prove an alibi
for the skull, too."

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION 51

" It was a good play, just the same," said
Cicero.

"Very," put in Doctor Johnson. "It
cured me of insomnia."

" Well, if you don't talk in your sleep, the
play did a Christian service to the world,"
retorted Shakespeare. " But, really, Ham-
let, I thought I did the square thing by
you in that play. I meant to, anyhow;
and if it has made you unhappy, I'm hon-
estly sorry."

" Spoken like a man," said Yorick.

" I don't mind the play so much," said
Hamlet, " but the way I'm represented by
these fellows who play it is the thing that
rubs me the wrong way. Why, I even
hear that there's a troupe out in the western
part of the United States that puts the
thing on with three Hamlets, two ghosts,
and a pair of blood-hounds. It's called the
Uncle-Tom-Hamlet Combination, and in-
stead of my falling in love with one crazy
Ophelia, I am made to woo three dusky
maniacs named Topsy on a canvas ice-floe,
while the blood-hounds bark behind tb^

62 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

scenes. What sort of treatment is that
for a man of royal lineage ?"

" It's pretty rough," said Napoleon. " As
the poet ought to have said, * Oh, Hamlet,
Hamlet, what crimes are committed in thy
name!'"

" I feel as badly about the play as Hamlet
does," said. Shakespeare, after a moment of
silent thought. " I don't bother much about
this wild Western business, though, be-
cause I think the introduction of the blood-
hounds and the Topsies makes us both
more popular in that region than we should
be otherwise. What I object to is the way
we are treated by these so-called first-class
intellectual actors in London and other
great cities. I've seen Hamlet done before
a highly cultivated audience, and, by Jove,
it made me blush."

" Me too," sighed Hamlet. " I have seen
a man who had a walk on him that sug-
gested spring-halt and locomotor ataxia
combined impersonating my graceful self
in a manner that drove me almost crazy.
I've heard my 'To be or not to be soliloquy

'THE MELANCHOLY DANE APPEARED'

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION 63

uttered by a famous tragedian in tones that
would make a graveyard yawn at mid-day,
and if there was any way in which I could
get even with that man I'd do it."

" It seems to me," said Blackstone, as-
suming for the moment a highly judicial
manner — " it seems to me that Shakespeare,
having got you into this trouble, ought to
get you out of it."

" But how ?" said Shakespeare, earnestly.
"That's the point. Heaven knows I'm
willing enough."

Hamlet's face suddenly brightened as
though illuminated with an idea. Then he
began to dance about the room with an ex-
pression of glee that annoyed Doctor John-
son exceedingly.

" I wish Darwin could see you now," the
Doctor growled. "A kodak picture of
you would prove his arguments conclu-
sively."

" Rail on, O philosopher !" retorted Ham-
let. " Rail on ! I mind your railings not,
for I the germ of an idea have got."

" Well, go quarantine yourself," said the

54 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

Doctor. " I'd hate to have one of your idea
microbes get hold of me."

" What's the scheme?" asked Shake-
speare.

"You can write a play for me/" cried
Hamlet. " Make it a farce-tragedy. Take
the modern player for your hero, and let
me play him. I'll bait him through four
acts. I'll imitate his walk. I'll cultivate
his voice. We'll have the first act a tank
act, and drop the hero into the tank. The
second act can be in a saw-mill, and we can
cut his hair off on a buzz-saw. The third
act can introduce a spile-driver with which
to drive his hat over his eyes and knock
his brains down into his lungs. The fourth
act can be at Niagara Falls, and we'll send
him over the falls ; and for a grand climax
we can have him guillotined just after he
has swallowed a quart of prussic acid and
a spoonful of powdered glass. Do that for
me, William, and you are forgiven. I'll
play it for six hundred nights in London,
for two years in New York, and round up
with a one-night stand in Boston."

HAMLET MAKES A SUGGESTION 65

"It sounds like a good scheme," said
Shakespeare, meditatively. "What shall
we call it ?"

"Call it Irving" said Eugene Aram,
who had entered. " I too have suf-
fered."

"And let me be Hamlet's understudy,"
said Charles the First, earnestly.

" Done !" said Shakespeare, calling for a
pad and pencil.

And as the sun rose upon the Styx the
next morning the Bard of Avon was to be
seen writing a comic chorus to be sung
over the moribund tragedian by the shades
of Charles, Aram, and .other eminent de-
ceased heroes of the stage, with which his
new play of Irving was to be brought to
an appropriate close.

This play has not as yet found its way
upon the boards, but any enterprising
manager who desires to consider it may
address

Hamlet,

The House-Boat,

Hades-on-the-Styx.

66 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

He is sure to get a reply by return mail,
unless Mephistopheles interferes, which is
not unlikely, since Mephistopheles is said
to have been much pleased with the manner
in which the eminent tragedian has put him
before the British and American public.

THE HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE
POETS

"THERE'S one thing this house -boat
needs," wrote Homer in the complaint-
book that adorned the centre-table in the
reading-room, " and that is a Poets' Corner.
There are smoking-rooms for those who
smoke, billiard -rooms for those who play
billiards, and a card -room for those who
play cards. I do not smoke, I can't play
billiards, and I do not know a trey of dia-
monds from a silver salver. All I can do
is write poetry. Why discriminate against
me? By all means let us have a Poets' Cor-
ner, where a man can be inspired in peace."

For four days this entry lay in the book
apparently unnoticed. On the fifth day
the following lines, signed by Samson, ap-
peared :

68 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"I approve of Homer's suggestion. There
should be a Poets' Corner here. Then the
rest of us could have some comfort. While
playing vingt-et-un with Diogenes in the
card-room on Friday evening a poetic mem-
ber of this club was taken with a most vio-
lent fancy, and it required the combined
efforts of Diogenes and myself, assisted by
the janitor, to remove the frenzied and ob-
jectionable member from the room. The
habit some of our poets have acquired of
giving way to their inspirations all over
the club-house should be stopped, and I
know of no better way to accomplish this
desirable end than by the adoption of Ho-
mer's suggestion. Therefore I second the
motion."

Of course the suggestion of two mem-
bers so prominent as Homer and Samson
could not well be ignored by the house
committee, and it reluctantly took the
subject in hand at an early meeting.

" I find here," said Demosthenes to the
chairman, as the committee gathered, " a
suggestion from Homer and Samson that

EJECTING A FRENZIED POET FROM THE CARD-ROOM

HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS 59

this house-boat be provided with a Poets'
Corner. I do not know that I approve of
the suggestion myself, but in order to bring
it before the committee for debate I am
willing to make a motion that the request
be granted."

"Excuse me," put in Doctor Johnson,
"but where do you find that suggestion ?
'Here' is not very definite. Where is
'here'?"

" In the complaint-book, which I hold in
my hand," returned Demosthenes, putting
a pebble in his mouth so that he might
enunciate more clearly.

A frown rumed the serenity of Doctor
Johnson's brow.

"In the complaint -book, eh?" he said,
slowly. "I thought house committees were
not expected to pay any attention to com-
plaints in complaint-books. I never heard
of its being done before."

" Well, I can't say that I have either,"
replied Demosthenes, chewing thoughtful-
ly on the pebble, " but I suppose com-
plaint-books are the places for complaints.

60 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

You don't expect people to write serial sto-
ries or dialect poems in them, do you ?"

" That isn't the point, as the man said
to the assassin who tried to stab him with
the hilt of his dagger," retorted Doctor
Johnson, with some asperity. " Of course,
complaint-books are for the reception of
complaints — nobody disputes that. What
I want to have determined is whether it is
necessary or proper for the complaints to
go further."

"I fancy we have a legal right to take
the matter up," said Blackstone, wearily ;
"though I don't know of any precedent
for such action. In all the clubs I have
known the house committees have invari-
ably taken the ground that the complaint-
book was established to guard them against
the annoyance of hearing complaints. This
one, however, has been forced upon us by
our secretary, and in view of the age of the
complainants I think we cannot well de-
cline to give them a specific answer. Re-
spect for age is de rigueur at all times, like
clean hands. I'll second the motion."

HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS 61

"I think the Poets' Corner entirely un-
necessary," said Confucius. " This isn't a
class organization, and we should resist any
effort to make it or any portion of it so.
In fact, I will go further and state that it
is my opinion that if we do any legislating
in the matter at all, we ought to discour-
age rather than encourage these poets.
They are always littering the club up with
themselves. Only last Wednesday I came
here with a guest — no less a person than a
recently deceased Emperor of China — and
what was the first sight that greeted our
eyes?"

" I give it up," said Doctor Johnson.
"It must have been a catacornered sight, £
whatever it was, if the Emperor's eyes
slanted like yours."

" No personalities, please, Doctor," said
Sir Walter Raleigh, the chairman, rapping
the table vigorously with the shade of a
handsome gavel that had once adorned the
Roman Senate-chamber.

" He's only a Chinaman !" muttered
Johnson.

62 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" What was the sight that greeted your
eyes, Confucius ?" asked Cassius.

" Omar Khayyam stretched over five of
the most comfortable chairs in the libra-
ry," returned Confucius ; " and when I
ventured to remonstrate with him he lost
his temper, and said I'd spoiled the whole
second volume of the Rubaiyat. I told
him he ought to do his rubaiyatting at
home, and he made a scene, to avoid which
I hastened with my guest over to the bill-
iard-room ; and there, stretched at full
length on the pool-table, was Robert Burns
trying to write a sonnet on the cloth with
chalk in less time than Villon could turn
out another, with two lines start, on the
billiard-table with the same writing mate-
rials. Now I ask you, gentlemen, if these
things are to be tolerated ? Are they not
rather to be reprehended, whether I am a
Chinaman or not ?"

" What would you have us do, then ?"
asked Sir Walter Raleigh, a little nettled.
"Exclude poets altogether? I was one,
remember."

HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS 68

" Oh, but not much of one, Sir Walter,"
put in Doctor Johnson, deprecatingly.

" No," said Confucius. " I don't want
them excluded, but they should be con-
trolled. You don't let a shoemaker who
has become a member of this club turn the
library sofas into benches and go pegging
away at boot-making, so why should you
let the poets turn the place into a verse
factory ? That's what I'd like to know."

" I don't know but what your point is
well taken," said Blackstone, " though I
can't say I think your parallels are very
parallel. A shoemaker, my dear Confucius,
is somewhat different from a poet."

" Certainly," said Doctor Johnson. "Very
different — in fact, different enough to make
a conundrum of the question — what is the
difference between a shoemaker and a poet?
One makes the shoes and the other shakes
the muse — all the difference in the world.
Still, I don't see how we can exclude the
poets. It is the very democracy of this
club that gives it life. We take in every-
body— peer% poet, or what not. To say that

64 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

this man shall not enter because he is this
or that or the other thing would result in
our ultimately becoming a class organiza-
tion, which, as Confucius himself says, we
are not and must not be. If we put out
the poet to please the sage, we'll soon
have to put out the sage to please the fool,
and so on. We'll keep it up, once the prec-
edent is established, until finally it will be-
come a class club entirely — a Plumbers'
Club, for instance — and how absurd that
would be in Hades ! No, gentlemen, it
can't be done. The poets must and shall
be preserved."

" What's the objection to class clubs,
anyhow ?" asked Cassius. " I don't object
to them. If we could have had political
organizations in my day I might not have
had to fall on my sword to get out of keep-
ing an engagement I had no fancy for.
Class clubs have their uses."

" No doubt," said Demosthenes. " Have
all the class clubs you want, but do not
make one of this. An Authors' Club, where
none but authors are admitted, is a good

HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS 65

thing. The members learn there that there
are other authors than themselves. Poets'
Clubs are a good thing ; they bring poets
into contact with each other, and they learn
what a bore it is to have to listen to a poet
reading his own poem. Pugilists' Clubs
are good ; so are all other class clubs ; but
so also are clubs like our own, which takes
in all who are worthy. Here a poet can
talk poetry as much as he wants, but at the
same time he hears something besides po-
etry. We must stick to our original idea."
" Then let us do something to abate the
nuisance of which I complain," said Con-
fucius. " Can't we adopt a house rule that
poets must not be inspired between the
hours of 1 1 A.M. and 5 P.M., or in the even-
ing after eight ; that any poet discovered
using more than five arm-chairs in the com-
position of a quatrain will be charged two
oboli an hour for each chair in excess of
that number ; and that the billiard-marker
shall be required to charge a premium of
three times the ordinary fee for tables used
by versifiers in lieu of writing-pads ?"

66 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" That wouldn't be a bad idea," said Sir
Walter Raleigh. " I, as a poet would not
object to that. I do all my work at home,
anyhow."

"There's another phase of this business
that we haven't considered yet, and it's
rather important," said Demosthenes, tak-
ing a fresh pebble out of his bonbonni6re.
" That's in the matter of stationery. This
club, like all other well-regulated clubs,
provides its members with a suitable sup-
ply of writing materials. Charon informs
me that the waste-baskets last week turned
out forty-two reams of our best correspond-
ence paper on which these poets had scrib-
bled the first draft of their verses. Now I
don't think the club should furnish the
poets with the raw material for their poems
any more than, to go back to Confucius's
shoemaker, it should supply leather for our
cobblers."

"What do you mean by raw material for
poems ?" asked Sir Walter, with a frown.

"Pen, ink, and paper. What else ?" said
Demosthenes.

HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS 67

" Doesn't it take brains to write a poem ?"
said Raleigh.

" Doesn't it take brains to make a pair
of shoes ?" retorted Demosthenes, swallow-
ing a pebble in his haste.

"They've got a right to the stationery,
though," put in Blackstone. " A clear le-
gal right to it. If they choose to write
poems on the paper instead of boring peo-
ple to death with letters, as most of us do,
that's their own affair."

" Well, they're very wasteful," said De-
mosthenes.

" We can meet that easily enough," ob-
served Cassius. "Furnish each writing-
table with a slate. I should think they'd
be pleased with that. It's so much easier
to rub out the wrong word."

"Most poets prefer to rub out the right
word," growled Confucius. "Besides, I
shall never consent to slates in this house-
boat. The squeaking of the pencils would
be worse than the poems themselves."

" That's true," said Cassius. " I never
thought of that. If a dozen poets got to

68 A HOUSE-COAT ON THE STYX

work on those slates at once, a fife corps
wouldn't be a circumstance to them."

" Well, it all goes to prove what I have
thought all along," said Doctor Johnson.
" Homer's idea is a good one, and Samson
was wise in backing it up. The poets need
to be concentrated somewhere where they
will not be a nuisance to other people, and
where other people will not be a nuisance
to them. Homer ought to have a place to
compose in where the vingt-et-un players
will not interrupt his frenzies, and, on the
other hand, the vingt-et-un and other play-
ers should be protected from the wooers of
the muse. I'll vote to have the Poets'
Corner, and in it I move that Cassius's
slate idea be carried out. It will be a great
saving, and if the corner we select be far
enough away from the other corners of the
club, the squeaking of the slate-pencils need
bother no one."

"I agree to that," said Blackstone.
" Only I think it should be understood that,
in granting the petition of the poets, we do
not bind ourselves to yield to doctors and

HOUSE COMMITTEE DISCUSS THE POETS 69

lawyers and shoemakers and plumbers in
case they should each want a corner to
themselves."

" A very wise idea," said Sir Walter.
Whereupon the resolution was suitably
worded, and passed unanimously.

Just where the Poets' Corner is to be
located the members of the committee
have not as yet decided, although Confu-
cius is strongly in favor of having it
placed in a dingy situated a quarter of a
mile astern of the house-boat, and connect-
ed therewith by a slight cord, which can
be easily cut in case the squeaking of the
poets' slate-pencils becomes too much for
the nervous system of the members who
have no corner of their own.

VI

• SOME THEOEIES, DARWINIAN AND
OTHERWISE

" I OBSERVE," said Doctor Darwin, look-
ing up from a perusal of an asbestos copy
of the London Times — " I observe that an
American professor has discovered that
monkeys talk. I consider that a very in-
teresting fact."

"It undoubtedly is," observed Doctor
Livingstone, " though hardly new. I never
said anything about it over in the other
world, but I discovered years ago in Africa
that monkeys were quite as well able to
hold a sustained conversation with each
other as most men are."

" And I, too," put in Baron Munchausen,
"have frequently conversed with monkeys.
I made myself a master of their idioms
during my brief sojourn in — ah — in —

SOME THEORIES, DARWINIAN, ETC. 71

well, never mind where. I never could
remember the names of places. The in-
teresting point is that at one period of
my life I was a master of the monkey lan-
guage. I have even gone so far as to
write a sonnet in Simian, which was quite
as intelligible to the uneducated as nine-
tenths of the sonnets written in English or
American."

"Do you mean to say that you could
acquire the monkey accent?" asked Doc-
tor Darwin, immediately interested.

" In most instances," returned the Baron,
suavely, " though of course not in all. I
found the same difficulty in some cases
that the German or the Chinaman finds
when he tries to speak French. A China-
man can no more say Trocadero, for in-
stance, as the Frenchman says it, than he
can fly. That peculiar throaty aspirate
the Frenchman gives to the first syllable,
as though it were spelled trhoque, is ut-
terly beyond the Chinese — and beyond the
American, too, whose idea of the tonsillar
aspirate leads him to speak of the troche-

72 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

deero, naturally falling back upon troches
to help him out of his laryngeal difficul-
ties."

" You ought to have been on the staff
of Punch, Baron," said Thackeray, quietly.
" That joke would have made you immor-
tal."

" I am immortal," said the Baron. " But
to return to our discussion of the Simian
tongue : as I was saying, there were some
little points about the accent that I could
never get, and, as in the case of the Ger-
man and Chinaman with the French lan-
guage, the trouble was purely physical.
When you consider that in polite Simian
society most of the talkers converse while
swinging by their tails from the limb of a
tree, with a sort of droning accent, which
results from their swaying to and fro, you
will see at once why it was that I, deprived
by nature of the necessary apparatus with
which to suspend myself in mid-air, wa&
unable to quite catch the quality which
gives its chief charm to monkey-talk."

"I should hardly think that a man of

SOME THEORIES, DARWINIAN, ETC. 73

your fertile resources would have let so
small a thing as that stand in his way," said
Doctor Livingstone. " When a man is
able to make a reputation for himself like
yours, in which material facts are never
allowed to interfere with his doing what
he sets out to do, he ought not to be
daunted by the need of a tail. If you
could make a cherry-tree grow out of a
deer's head, I fail to see why you could
not personally grow a tail, or anything
else you might happen to need for the at-
tainment of your ends."

"I was not so anxious to get the accent
as all that," returned the Baron. "I don't
think it is necessary for a man to make a
monkey of himself just for the pleasure of
mastering a language. Reasoning simi-
larly, a man to master the art of braying
in a fashion comprehensible to the jackass
of average intellect should make a jackass
of himself, cultivate his ears, and learn to
kick, so as properly to punctuate his sen-
tences after the manner of most conversa-
tional beasts of that kind."

74 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"Then you believe that jackasses talk,
too, do you ?" asked Doctor Darwin.

" Why not ?" said the Baron. « If mon-
keys, why not donkeys ? Certainly they
do. All creatures have some means . of
communicating their thoughts to each
other. Why man in his conceit should
think otherwise I don't know, unless it be
that the birds and beasts in their conceit
probably think that they alone of all the
creatures in the world can talk."

" I haven't a doubt," said Doctor Liv-
ingstone, " that monkeys listening to men
and women talking think they are only
jabbering."

" They're not far from wrong in most
cases if they do," said Doctor Johnson,
who up to this time had been merely an
interested listener. "I've thought that
many a time myself."

" Which is perhaps, in a slight degree, a
confirmation of my theory," put in Dar-
win. " If Doctor Johnson's mind runs in
the same channels that the monkey's mind
runs in, why may we not say that Doctor

SOME THEORIES, DARWINIAN, ETC. 75

Johnson, being a man, has certain qual-
ities of the monkey, and is therefore, in a
sense, of the same strain ?"

"You may say what you please," re-
torted Johnson, wrathfully, "but I'll make
you prove what you say about me."

" I wouldn't if I were you," said Doctor
Livingstone, in a peace-making spirit. " It
would not be a pleasant task for you, com-
pelling our friend to prove you descended
from the ape. I should think you'd prefer
to make him leave it unproved."

"Have monkeys Boswells ?" queried
Thackeray.

"I don't know anything about 'em,"
said Johnson, petulantly.

"No more do I," said Darwin, "and I
didn't mean to be offensive, my dear John-
son. If I claim Simian ancestry for you,
I claim it equally for myself."

"Well, I'm no snob," said Johnson, un-
mollified. "If you want to brag about
your ancestors, do it. Leave mine alone.
Stick to your own genealogical orchard."

" Well, I believe fully that we are all

76 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

descended from the ape," said Munchausen.
" There isn't any doubt in my mind that
before the flood all men had tails. Noah
had a tail. Shem, Ham, and Japheth had
tails. It's perfectly reasonable to believe
it. The Ark in a sense proved it. It
would have been almost impossible for
Noah and his sons to construct the Ark in
the time they did with the assistance of
only two hands apiece. Think, however,
of how fast they could work with the as-
sistance of that third arm. Noah could
hammer a clapboard on to the Ark with
two hands while grasping a saw and cut-
ting a new board or planing it off with his
tail. So with the others. We all know
how much a third hand would help us at
times."

" But how do you account for its dis-
appearance ?" put in Doctor Livingstone.
"Is it likely they would dispense with
such a useful adjunct ?"

"No, it isn't; but there are various ways
of accounting for its loss," said Munchau-
sen. "They may have overworked it

SOME THEORIES, DARWINIAN, ETC. 77

building the Ark ; Shem, Ham, or Japheth
may have had his caught in the door of
the Ark and cut off in the hurry of the de-
parture; plenty of things may have hap-
pened to eliminate it. Men lose their hair
and their teeth; why might not a man lose
a tail ? Scientists say that coming genera-
tions far in the future will be toothless and
bald. Why may it not be that through
causes unknown to us we are similarly
deprived of something our forefathers
had?"

"The only reason for man's losing his
hair is that he wears a hat all the time,"
said Livingstone. " The Derby hat is the
enemy of hair. It is hot, and dries up the
scalp. You might as well try to raise wa-
termelons in the Desert of Sahara as to try
to raise hair under the modern hat. In
fact, the modern hat is a furnace."

" Well, it's a mighty good furnace," ob-
served Munchausen. " You don't have to
put coal on the modern hat."

" Perhaps," interposed Thackeray, " the
ancients wore their hats on their tails."

78 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" Well, I have a totally different theo-
ry," said Johnson.

" You always did have," observed Mun-
ch a u sen.

" Very likely," said Johnson. " To be
commonplace never was my ambition."

" What is your theory ?" queried Liv-
ingstone.

"Well — I don't know," said Johnson,
" if it be worth expressing."

" It may be worth sending by freight,"
interrupted Thackeray. " Let us have it."

"Well, I believe," said Johnson — "I
believe that Adam was a monkey."

" He behaved like one," ejaculated
Thackeray.

"I believe that the forbidden tree was
a tender one, and therefore the only one
upon which Adam was forbidden to swing
by his tail," said Johnson.

" Clear enough — so far," said Munchau-
sen.

"But that the possession of tails by
Adam and Eve entailed a love of swing-
ing thereby, and that they could not resist

SOME THEORIES 79

the temptation to swing from every limb
in Eden, and that therefore, while Adam
was off swinging on other trees, Eve took
a swing on the forbidden tree ; that Adam,
returning, caught her in the act, and imme-
diately gave way himself and swung," said
Johnson.

" Then you eliminate the serpent ?" que-
ried Darwin.

"Not a bit of it," Johnson answered.
"The serpent was the tail. Look at most
snakes to-day. What are they but unat-
tached tails ?"

" They do look it," said Darwin, thought-
fully.

" Why, it's clear as day," said Johnson.
"As punishment Adam and Eve lost their
tails, and the tail itself was compelled to
work for a living and do its own walking."

" I never thought of that," said Darwin.
" It seems reasonable."

" It is reasonable," said Johnson.

"And the snakes of the present day?"
queried Thackeray.

"I believe to be the missing tails of

80 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

men," said Johnson. "Somewhere in the
world is a tail for every man and woman
and child. Where one's tail is no one can
ever say, but that it exists simultaneously
with its owner I believe. The abhorrence
man has for snakes is directly attributable
to his abhorrence for all things which have
deprived him of something that is good.
If Adam's tail had not tempted him to
swing on the forbidden tree, we should
all of us have been able through life to
relax from business cares after the manner
of the monkey, who is happy from morn-
ing until night."

" Well, I can't see that it does us any
good to sit here and discuss this matter,"
said Doctor Livingstone. "We can't reach
any conclusion. The only way to settle
the matter, it seems to me, is to go directly
to Adam, who is a member of this club,
and ask him how it was."

" That's a great idea," said Thackeray,
scornfully. " You'd look well going up
to a man and saying, 'Excuse me, sir, but
^-ah— were you ever a monkey ?' "

BOY, IS ADAM IN THE CLUB-HOUSE TO-DAY?'

SOME THEORIES 81

"To say nothing of catechising a man
on the subject of an old and dreadful scan-
dal," put in Munchausen. " I'm surprised
at you, Livingstone. African etiquette
seems to have ruined your sense of pro-
priety."

"I'd just as lief ask him," said Doc-
tor Johnson. " Etiquette ? Bah ! What
business has etiquette to stand in the way
of human knowledge ? Conventionality
is the last thing men of brains should
strive after, and I, for one, am not going
to be bound by it."

Here Doctor Johnson touched the elec-
tric bell, and in an instant the shade of a
buttons appeared.

"Boy, is Adam in the club-house to-
day ?" asked the sage.

" I'll go and see, sir," said the boy, and
he immediately departed.

" Good boy that," said Thackeray.

"Yes; but the service in this club is
dreadful, considering what we might
have," said Darwin. " With Aladdin a
member of this club,. I don't see why we

82 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

can't have his lamp with genii galore to re-
spond. It certainly would be more eco-
nomical."

" True ; but I, for one, don't care to fool
with genii," said Munchausen. "When
one member can summon a servant who is
strong enough to take another member and
do him up in a bottle and cast him into the
sea, I have no use for the system. Plain
ordinary mortal shades are good enough
for me."

As Munchausen spoke, the boy re-
turned.

"Mr. Adam isn't here to-day, sir," he
said, addressing Doctor Johnson. "And
Charon says he's not likely to be here, sir,
seeing as how his account is closed, not
having been settled for three months."

" Good," said Thackeray. " I was afraid
he was here. I don't want to have him
asked about his Eden experiences in my
behalf. That's personality."

" Well, then, there's only one other thing
to do," said Darwin. " Munchausen claims
to be able to speak Simian. He might seek

SOME THEORIES 83

out some of the prehistoric monkeys and
put the question to them."

"No, thank you," said Munchausen.
" I'm a little rusty in the language, and,
besides, you talk like an idiot. You might
as well speak of the human language as
the Simian language. There are French
monkeys who speak monkey French, Afri-
can monkeys who talk the most barbarous
kind of Zulu monkey patois, and Congo
monkey slang, and so on. Let Johnson
send his little Boswell out to drum up in-
formation. If there is anything to be
found out he'll get it, and then he can
tell it to us. Of course he may get it all
wrong, but it will be entertaining, and
we'll never know any difference."

Which seemed to the others a good idea,
but whatever came of it I have not been
informed.

VII

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES* DAY

" I MET Queen Elizabeth just now on the
Row," said Raleigh, as he entered the
house-boat and checked his cloak.

"Indeed?" said Confucius. "What if
you did ? Other people have met Queen
Elizabeth. There's nothing original about
that."

" True ; but she made a suggestion to
me about this house-boat which I think is
a good one. She says the women are all
crazy to see the inside of it," said Raleigh.

" Thus proving that immortal woman is
no different from mortal woman," retorted
Confucius. "They want to see the inside
of everything. Curiosity, thy name is
woman."

" Well, I am sure I don't see why men
should arrogate to themselves the sole

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES DAY 86

right to an investigating turn of mind,"
said Raleigh, impatiently. "Why shouldn't
the ladies want to see the inside of this
club-house? It is a compliment to us that
they should, and I for one am in favor of
letting them, and I am going to propose
that in the Ides of March we give a ladies'
day here."

"Then I shall go South for my health in
the Ides of March," said Confucius, angrily.
" What on earth is a club for if it isn't to
enable men to get away trorn their wives
once in a while? When do people go to
clubs ? When they are on their way home
—that's when ; and the more a man's at
home in his club, the less he's at home
when he's at home. I suppose you'll be
suggesting a children's day next, and after
that a parrot's or a canary-bird's day."

" I had no idea you were such a woman-
hater," said Raleigh, in astonishment.
"What's the matter? Were you ever
disappointed in love ?"

" I ? How absurd !" retorted Confucius,
reddening. " The idea of my ever being

86 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

disappointed in love ! I never met the
woman who could bring me to my knees,
although 1 was married in the other world.
What became of Mrs. C. I never inquired.
She may be in China yet, for aught I know.
I regard death as a divorce."

"Your wife must be glad of it," said
Raleigh, somewhat ungallantly ; for, to
tell the truth, he was nettled by Con-
f ucius's demeanor. " I didn't know, how-
ever, but that since you escaped from
China and came here to Hades you might
have fallen in love with some spirit of
an age subsequent to your own — Mary
Queen of Scots, or Joan of Arc, or some
other spook — who rejected you. I can't
account tor your dislike of women other-
wise."

" Not I," said Confucius. " Hades would
have a less classic name than it has for me
if I were hampered with a family. But go
along and have your ladies' day here, and
never mind my reasons for preferring my
own society to that of the fair sex. I can
at least stay at home that day. What do

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES5 DAY 87

you propose to do — throw open the house
to the wives of members, or to all ladies,
irrespective of their husbands' membership
here ?"

"I think the latter plan would be the
better," said Raleigh. " Otherwise Queen
Elizabeth, to whom I am indebted for the
suggestion, would be excluded. She never
married, you know."

"Didn't she?" said Confucius. "No, I
didn't know it ; but that doesn't prove
anything. When I went to school we didn't
study the history of the Elizabethan period.
She didn't have absolute sway over Eng-
land, then ?"

" She had ; but what of that ?" queried
Raleigh.

" Do you mean to say that she lived and
died an old maid from choice ?" demanded
Confucius.

" Certainly I do," said Raleigh. " And
why should I not tell you that ?"

" For a very good and sufficient reason,"
retorted Confucius, " which is, in brief, that
I am not a marine. I may dislike women,

88 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

ray dear Raleigh, but I know them better
than you do, gallant as you are ; and when
you tell me in one and the same moment
that a woman holding absolute sway over
men yet lived and died an old maid, you
must not be indignant if I smile and bite
the end of my thumb, which is the Chinese
way of saying that's all in your eye, Betty
Martin."

" Believe it or not, you poor old back
number," retorted Raleigh, hotly. " It al-
ters nothing. Queen Elizabeth could have
married a hundred times over if she had
wished. I know I lost my head there com-
pletely."

" That shows, Sir Walter," said Dryden,
with a grin, " how wrong you are. You
lost your head to King James. Hi ! Shake-
speare, here's a man doesn't know who
chopped his head off."

Raleigh's face flushed scarlet. "'Tis
better to have had a head and lost it," he
cried, " than never to have had a head at
all ! Mark you, Dryden, my boy, it ill be-
nts you to scoff at me for my misfortune.

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES DAY 89

for dust thou art, and to dust thou hast re-
turned, if word from t'other side about thy
books and that which in and on them lies
be true."

" Whate'er be said about my books," said
Dry den, angrily, " be they read or be they
not, 'tis mine they are, and none there be
who dare dispute their authorship."

"Thus proving that men, thank Heaven,
are still sane," ejaculated Doctor Johnson.
"To assume the authorship of Dryden
would be not so much a claim, my friend,
as a confession."

" Shades of the mighty Chow !" cried
Confucius. " An' will ye hear the poets
squabble ! Egad ! A ladies' day could
hardly introduce into our midst a more
diverting disputation."

" We're all getting a little high-flown in
our phraseology," put in Shakespeare at this
point . " Let's quit talking in blank-verse
and come down to business. I think a la-
dies' day would be great sport. I'll write
a poem to read on the occasion."

" Then I oppose it with all my heart,"

90 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STFX

said Doctor Johnson. " Why do you al-
ways want to make our entertainments
commonplace ? Leave occasional poems to
mortal*. I never knew an occasional poem
yet that was worthy of an immortal."

"That's precisely why I want to write
one occasional poem. I'd make it worthy,"
Shakespeare answered. " Like this, for in-
stance :

Most fair, most sweet, most beauteous of ladies.
The greatest charm in all ye realm of Hades.

Why, my dear Doctor, such an opportunity
for rhyming Hades with ladies should not
be lost."

" That just proves what I said," said
Johnson. " Any idiot can make ladies
rhyme with Hades. It requires absolute
genius to avoid the temptation. You are
great enough to make Hades rhyme with
bicycle if you choose to do it — but no, you
succumb to the temptation to be common-
place. Bah ! One of these modern draw-
ing-room poets with three sections to his
name couldn't do worse."

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES DAY 91

" On general principles," said Raleigh,
" Johnson is right. We invite these peo-
ple here to see our club-house, not to give
them an exhibition of our metrical powers,
and I think all exercises of a formal nature
should be frowned upon."

" Very well," said Shakespeare. " Go
ahead. Have your own way about it. Get
out your brow and frown. I'm perfectly
willing to save myself the trouble of writ-
ing a poem. Writing real poetry isn't
easy, as you fellows would have discovered
for yourselves if you'd ever tried it."

" To pass over the arrogant assumption
of the gentleman who has just spoken, with
the silence due to a proper expression of
our contempt therefor," said Dry den, slow-
ly, " I think in case we do have a ladies'
day here we should exercise a most careful
supervision over the invitation list. For
instance, wouldn't it be awkward for our
good friend Henry the Eighth to encounter
the various Mrs. Henrys here ? Would it
not likewise be awkward for them to meet
each other ?"

92 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" Your point is well taken," said Doctor
Johnson. "I don't know whether the
King's matrimonial ventures are on speak-
ing terms with each other or not, but un-
der any circumstances it would hardly be
a pleasing spectacle for Katharine of Arra-
gon to see Henry running his legs off get-
ting cream and cakes for Anne Boleyn ; nor
would Anne like it much if, on the other
hand, Henry chose to behave like a gentle-
man and a husband to Jane Seymour or
Katharine Parr. I think, if the members
themselves are to send out the invitations,
they should each be limited to two cards,
with the express understanding that no
member shall be permitted to invite more
than one wife.*"

" That's going to be awkward," said Ra-
leigh, scratching his head thoughtfully.
" Henry is such a hot-headed fellow that he
might resent the stipulation."

"I think he would," said Confucius.
"I think he'd be as mad as a hatter at
your insinuation that he would invite any
of his wives, if all I hear of him is true j

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES' DAY 93

and what I've heard, Wolsey has told

me."

" He knew a thing or two about Henry,"
said Shakespeare. " If you don't believe
it, just read that play of mine that Beau-
mont and Fletcher — er — ah — thought so
much of."

"You came near giving your secret
away that time, William," said Johnson,
with a sly smile, and giving the Avonian
a dig between the ribs.

" Secret ! I haven't any secret," said
Shakespeare, a little acridly. " It's the
truth I'm telling you. Beaumont and
Fletcher did admire Henry the Eighth"

"Thereby showing their conceit, eh?"
said Johnson.

" Oh, of course, I didn't write anything,
did I?" cried Shakespeare. "Everybody
wrote my plays but me. I'm the/only per-
son that had no hand in Shakespeare. It
seems to me that joke is about worn out,
Doctor. I'm getting a little tired of it my-
self; but if it amuses you, why, keep it up.
./know who wrote my plays, and whatever

94 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

you may say cannot affect the facts. Next
thing you fellows will be saying that I
didn't write my own autographs."

" I didn't say that," said Johnson, quiet-
ly. " Only there is no internal evidence in
your autographs that you knew how to
spell your name if you did. A man who
signs his name Shixpur one day and Shike-
speare the next needn't complain if the
Bank of Posterity refuses to honor his
check."

" They'd honor my check quick enough
these days," retorted Shakespeare. " When
a man's autograph brings five thousand
dollars, or one thousand pounds, in the auc-
tion-room, there isn't a bank in the world
fool enough to decline to honor any check
he'll sign under a thousand dollars, or two
hundred pounds."

"I fancy you're right," put in Raleigh,
" But your checks or your plays have noth-
ing to do with ladies' day. Let's get to
some conclusion in this matter."

" Yes," said Confucius. "Let's. Ladies'
day is becoming a dreadful bore, and if

A DISCUSSION AS TO LADIES' DAY 95

we don't hurry up the billiard-room wilt
be full."

" Well, I move we get up a petition to
the council to have it," said Dryden.

" I agree," said Confucius, " and I'll
sign it. If there's one way to avoid hav-
ing ladies' day in the future, it's to have
one now and be done with it."

" All right," said Shakespeare. " I'll sign
too."

"As — er — Shixpur or Shikespeare ?"
queried Johnson.

"Let him alone," said Raleigh. " He'c
getting sensitive about that ; and what you
need to learn more than anything else is
that it isn't manners to twit a man on facts.
What's bothering you, Dryden ? You look
like a man with an idea."

" It has just occurred to me," said Dry-
den, " that while we can safely leave the
question of Henry the Eighth and his
wives to the wisdom of the council, we
ought to pay some attention to the advis-
ability of inviting Lucretia Borgia. I'd
hate to eat any supper if she came within a

96 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

mile of the banqueting-hall. If she comes
you'll have to appoint a tasting commit-
tee before I'll touch a drop of punch or eat
a speck of salad."

" We might recommend the appointment
of Raleigh to look after the fair Lucretia
and see that she has no poison with her, or
if she has, to keep her from dropping it into
the salads," said Confucius, with a sidelong
glance at Raleigh. "He's the especial
champion of woman in this club, and no
doubt would be proud of the distinction."

"I would with most women," said Ra-
leigh. " But I draw the line at Lucretia
Borgia."

And so a petition was drawn up, signed,
and sent to the council, and they, after
mature deliberation, decided to have the
ladies' day, to which all the ladies in Hades,
excepting Lucretia Borgia and Delilah,
were to be duly invited, only the date was
not specified. Delilah was excluded at the
request of Samson, whose convincing mus-
cles, rather than his arguments, completely
won over all opposition to his proposition.

LUCRETIA BORGIA AND DELILAH WERE NOT INVITED

VIII

A DISCONTENTED SHADE

"!T seems to me," said Shakespeare,
wearity, one afternoon at the club — " that
this business of being immortal is pretty
dull. Didn't somebody once say he'd rath-
er ride fifty years on a trolley in Europe
than on a bicycle in Cathay ?"

"I never heard any such remark by any
self-respecting person," said Johnson.

"I said something like it," observed
Tennyson.

Doctor Johnson looked around to see
who it was that spoke.

"You?" he cried. "And who, pray,
may you be ?"

"My name is Tennyson," replied the
poet.

"And a very good name it is," said
Shakespeare.

98 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"I am not aware that I ever heard the
name before," said Doctor Johnson. " Did
you make it yourself ?"

" I did," said the late laureate, proudly.

" In what pursuit ?" asked Doctor John-
son.

"Poetry," said Tennyson. "I wrote
' Locksley Hall ' and ' Come into the Gar-
den, Maude.' "

" Humph !" said Doctor Johnson. " I
never read 'em."

"Well, why should you have read
them?" snarled Carlyle. "They were
written after you moved over here, and
they were good stuff. You needn't think
because you quit, the whole world put up
its shutters and went out of business. I
did a few things myself which I fancy you
never heard of."

" Oh, as for that," retorted Doctor John-
son, with a smile, " I've heard of you ;
you are the man who wrote the life of
Frederick the Great in nine hundred and
two volumes — "

" Seven !" snapped Carlyle.

A DISCONTENTED SHADE 99

" Well, seven then," returned Johnson.
" I never saw the work, but I heard Fred-
erick speaking of it the other day. Bona-
parte asked him if he had read it, and
Frederick said no, he hadn't time. Bona-
parte cried, l Haven't time? Why, my
dear king, you've got all eternity.' 'I
know it,' replied Frederick, 'but that isn't
enough. Read a page or two, my dear
Napoleon, and you'll see why.' "

"Frederick will have his joke," said
Shakespeare, with a wink at Tennyson and
a smile for the two philosophers, intended,
no doubt, to put them in a more agreeable
frame of mind. " Why, he even asked me
the other day why I never wrote a tragedy
about him, completely ignoring the fact
that he came along many years after I
had departed. I spoke of that, and he
said, ' Oh, I was only joking.' I apologized.
1 1 didn't know that,' said I. 'And why
should you?' said he. 'You're English.'"

"A very rude remark," said Johnson.
"As if we English were incapable of see-
ing a joke !"

100 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" Exactly," put in Carlyle. " It strikes
me as the absurdest notion that the Eng-
lishman can't see a joke. To the mind
that is accustomed to snap judgments I
have no doubt the Englishman appears to
be dull of apprehension, but the philoso-
phy of the whole matter is apparent to the
mind that takes the trouble to investigate.
The Briton weighs everything carefully
before he commits himself, and even
though a certain point may strike him as
funny, he isn't going to laugh until he has
fully made up his mind that it is funny.
I remember once riding down Piccadilly
with Froude in a hansom cab. Froude had
a copy of Punch in his hand, and he began
to laugh immoderately over something. I
leaned over his shoulder to see what he was
laughing at. ' That isn't so funny,' said I,
as I read the paragraph on which his eye
was resting. ' No/ said Froude. * I wasn't
laughing at that. I was enjoying the joke
that appeared in the same relative position
in last week's issue.' Now thatfs the point
— the whole point. The Englishman al-

" ' WHAT IS THE AVERAGK WEIGHT OF A COPY OF " PUNCH " ?'
DRAWLED ARTEMAS WARD"

A DISCONTENTED SHADE 101

ways laughs over last week's Punch, not
this week's, and that is why you will find a
file of that interesting journal in the home
of all well-to-do Britons. It is the back
number that amuses him — which mere-
ly proves that he is a deliberative person
who weighs even his humor carefully be-
fore giving way to his emotions."

" What is the average weight of a copy
of Punch ?" drawled Artemas Ward, who
had strolled in during the latter part of
the conversation.

Shakespeare snickered quietly, but Car-
lyle and Johnson looked upon the intruder
severely.

" We will take that question into con-
sideration," said Carlyle. "Perhaps to-
morrow we shall have a definite answer
ready for you."

"Never mind," returned the humorist.
"You've proved your point. Tennyson
tells me you find life here dull, Shake-
speare."

"Somewhat," said Shakespeare. "I
don't know about the rest of you fellows,

102 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

but I was not cut out for an eternity of
ease. I must have occupation, and the
stage isn't popular here. The trouble
about putting on a play here is that our
managers are afraid of libel suits. The
chances are that if I should write a play
with Cassius as the hero, Cassius would go
to the first night's performance with a dag-
ger concealed in his toga, with which to
punctuate his objections to the lines put
in his mouth. There is nothing I'd like
better than to manage a theatre in this
place, but think of the riots we'd have!
Suppose, for an instant, that I wrote a play
about Bonaparte ! He'd have a box, and
when the rest of you spooks called for
the author at the end of the third act, if
he didn't happen to like the play he'd
greet me with a salvo of artillery instead
of applause."

"He wouldn't if you made him out a
great conqueror from start to finish," said
Tennyson.

" No doubt," returned Shakespeare, sad-
ly; "but in that event Wellington would

A DISCONTENTED SHADE 103

be in the other stage-box, and I'd get the
greeting from him."

" Why come out at all ?" asked Johnson.

" Why come out at all ?" echoed Shake-
speare. " What fun is there in writing a
play if you can't come out and show your
self at the first night? That's the au-
thor's reward. If it wasn't for the first-
night business, though, all would be plain
sailing."

" Then why don't you begin it the sec-
ond night ?" drawled Ward.

" How the deuce could you ?" put in
Carlyle.

" A most extraordinary proposition !"
sneered Johnson.

"Yes," said Ward; "but wait a week—
you'll see the point then."

" There isn't any doubt in my mind,"
said Shakespeare, reverting to his original
proposition, " that the only perfectly sat-
isfactory life is under a system not yet
adopted in either world — the one we have
quitted or this. There we had hard work
in which our mortal limitations hampered

104 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

us grievously ; here we have the freedom
of the immortal with no hard work ; in
other words, now that we feel like fight-
ing-cocks, there isn't any fighting to be
done. The great life, in my estimation,
would be to return to earth and battle
with mortal problems, but equipped men-
tally and physically with immortal weap-
ons."

" Some people don't know when they
are well off," said Beau Brummel. " This
strikes me as being an ideal life. There
are no tailors bills to pay — we are our-
selves nothing but memories, and a mem-
ory can clothe himself in the shadow of
his former grandeur — I clothe myself in
the remembrance of my departed clothes,
and as my memory is good I flatter my-
self I'm the best-dressed man here. The
fact that there are ghosts of departed un-
paid bills haunting my bedside at night
doesn't bother me in the least, because the
bailiffs that in the old life lent terror to
an overdue account, thanks to our benefi-
cent system here, are kept in the less

A DISCONTENTED SHADE 105

agreeable sections of Hades. I used to
regret that bailiffs were such low people,
but now I rejoice at it. If they had been
of a different order they might have proven
unpleasant here."

" You are right, my dear Brummel," in-
terposed Munchausen. " This life is far
preferable to that in the other sphere.
Any of you gentlemen who happen to
have had the pleasure of reading my me-
moirs must have been struck with the
tremendous difficulties that encumbered
my progress. If I wished for a rare liq-
ueur for my luncheon, a liqueur served only
at the table of an Oriental potentate, more
jealous of it than of his one thousand
queens, I had to raise armies, charter ships,
and wage warfare in which feats of in-
credible valor had to be performed by
myself alone and unaided to secure the
desired thimbleful. I have destroyed em-
pires for a bon-bon at great expense of
nervous energy."

" That's very likely true," said Carlyle.
"I should think your feats of strength

106 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

would have wrecked your imagination in
time."

" Not so," said Munchausen. " On the
contrary, continuous exercise served only
to make it stronger. But, as I was going
to say, in this life we have none of these
fearful obstacles — it is a life of leisure ; and
if I want a bird and a cold bottle at any
time, instead of placing my life in peril
and jeopardizing the peace of all mankind
to get it, I have only to summon before
me the memory of some previous bird and
cold bottle, dine thereon like a well-ordered
citizen, and smoke the spirit of the best
cigar my imagination can conjure up."

" You miss my point," said Shakespeare.
" I don't say this life is worse or better
than the other we used to live. What I
do say is that a combination of both would
suit me. In short, I'd like to live here
and go to the other world every day to
business, like a suburban resident who
sleeps in the country and makes his living
in the city. For instance, why shouldn't
I dwell here and go to London every day,

SHAKESPEARE AS A SUBURBAN RESIDENT

A DISCONTENTED SHADE 107

hire an office there, and put out a sign
something like this :

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

DRAMATIST

Plays written while you wait

I guess I'd find plenty to do."

" Guess again," said Tennyson. " My
dear boy, you forget one thing. You are
out of date. People don't go to the
theatres to hear you, they go to see the
people who do you."

" That is true," said Ward. " And they
do do you, ray beloved William. It's a
wonder to me you are not dizzy turning
over in your grave the way they do you."

" Can it be that I can ever be out of
date ?" asked Shakespeare. " I know, of
course, that I have to be adapted at times ;
but to be wholly out of date strikes me as
a hard fate."

108 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" You're not out of date," interposed
Carlyle ; " the date is out of you. There
is a great demand for Shakespeare in these
days, but there isn't any stuff."

" Then I should succeed," said Shake-
speare.

" No, I don't think so," returned Car-
lyle. " You couldn't stand the pace. The
world revolves faster to-day than it did in
your time — men write three or four plays
at once. This is what you might call a
Type-writer Age, and to keep up with the
procession you'd have to work as you
never worked before."

"That is true," observed Tennyson.
"You'd have to learn to be ambidex-
trous, so that you could keep two type-
writing machines going at once ; and, to
be perfectly frank with you, I cannot even
conjure up in my fancy a picture of you
knocking out a tragedy with the right
hand on one machine, while your left hand
is fashioning a farce-comedy on another."

" He might do as a great many modern
writers do/' said Ward ; " go in for the

A DISCONTENTED SHADE 109

Paper-doll Drama. Cut the whole thing
out with a pair of scissors. As the poet
might have said if he'd been clever
enough :

Oh, bring me the scissors,
And bring me the glue,

And a couple of dozen old plays.
ril cut out and paste
A drama for you

That HI run for quite sixty -two days.

Oh, bring me a dress
Made of satin and lace,

And a book — say Joe Miller's — of wit ;
And ril make the old dramatists
Blue in the face

With the play that I'll turn out for it.

So bring me the scissors,
And bring me the paste,

And a dozen fine old comedies ;
A fine line of dresses,
And popular taste

I'll make a strong effort to please.

" You draw a very blue picture, it seems
to me," said Shakespeare, sadly.

110 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" Well, it's true," said Carlyle. " The
world isn't at all what it used to be in
any one respect, and you fellows who
made great reputations centuries ago
wouldn't have even the ghost of a show
now. I don't believe Homer could get a
poem accepted by a modern magazine,
and while the comic papers are still print-
ing Diogenes' jokes the old gentleman
couldn't make enough out of them in
these days to pay taxes on his tub, let
alone earning his bread."

"That is exactly so," said Tennyson.
" I'd be willing to wager too that, in the
line of personal prowess, even D'Arta-
gnan and Athos and Porthos and Aramis
couldn't stand London for one day."

" Or New York either," said Mr. Bar-
num, who had been an interested listener.
" A New York policeman could have man-
aged that quartet with one hand."

" Then," said Shakespeare, " in the opin-
ion of you gentlemen, we old-time lions
would appear to modern eyes to be more
or less stuffed ?"

A DISCONTENTED SHADE HI

" That's about the size of it," said Car-
lyle.

"But you'd draw," said Barnum, his
face lighting up with pleasure. " You'd
drive a five -legged calf to suicide from
envy. If I could take you and Caesar,
and Napoleon Bonaparte and Nero over
for one circus season we'd drive the mint
out of business."

" There's your chance, William," said
Ward. " You write a play for Bonaparte
and Caesar, and let Nero take his fiddle
and be the orchestra. Under Barnum's
management you'd get enough activity in
one season to last you through all eternity."

" You can count on me," said Barnum,
rising. " Let me know when you've got
your plan laid out. I'd stay and make a
contract with you now, but Adam has
promised to give me points on the manage,
ment of wild animals without cages, so I
can't wait. By-by."

" Humph !" said Shakespeare, as the emi-
nent showman passed out. " That's a gay
proposition. When monkeys move in po-

112 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

lite society William Shakespeare will make
a side-show of himself for a circus."
" They do now," said Thackeray, quiet-

iy-

Which merely proved that Shakespeare
did not mean what he said ; for in spite of
Thackeray's insinuation as to the monkeys
and polite society, he has not yet accepted
the Barnum proposition, though there can
be no doubt of its value from the point of
view of a circus manager.

IX

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE

ROBERT BURNS and Homer were seated
at a small table in the dining-room of the
house-boat, discussing everything in gen-
eral and the shade of a very excellent
luncheon in particular.

"We are in great luck to-day," said
Burns, as he cut a ruddy duck in twain.
" This bird is done just right."

" I agree with you," returned Homer,
drawing his chair a trifle closer to the ta-
ble. " Compared to the one we had here
last Thursday, this is a feast for the gods.
I wonder who it was that cooked this fowl
originally ?"

" I give it up; but I suspect it was do-ne
by some man who knew his business," said
Burns, with a smack of his lips. " It's a
pity, I think, my dear Homer, that there is

114 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

no means by which a cook may become
immortal. Cooking is as much of an art
as is the writing of poetry, and just as
there are immortal poets so there should
be immortal cooks. See what an advantage
the poet has — he writes something, it goes
out and reaches the inmost soul of the man
who reads it, and it is signed. His work is
known because he puts his name to it ; but
this poor devil of a cook — where is he ? He
has done his work as well as the poet ever
did his, it has reached the inmost soul of
the mortal who originally ate it, but he
cannot get the glory of it because he can-
not put his name to it. If the cook could
sign his work it would be different."

"You have hit upon a great truth, "said
Homer, nodding, as he sometimes was wont
to do. "And yet I fear that, ingenious as
we are, we cannot devise a plan to remedy
the matter. I do not know about you, but
I should myself much object if ray birds
and my flapjacks, and other things, digesti-
ble and otherwise, that I eat here were
served with the cook's name written upon

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE 116

them. An omelette is sometimes a pict-
ure—"

" I've seen omelettes that looked like one
of Turner's sunsets," acquiesced Burns.

" Precisely ; and when Turner puts down
in one corner of his canvas, ' Turner, fecit,'
you do not object, but if the cook did that
with the omelette you wouldn't like it."

"No," said Burns ; " but he might fasten
a tag to it, with his name written upon
that."

" That is so," said Homer; " but the re-
sult in the end would be the same. The
tags would get lost, or perhaps a careless
waiter, dropping a tray full of dainties,
would get the tags of a good and bad cook
mixed in trying to restore the contents of
the tray to their previous condition. The
tag system would fail."

" There is but one other way that I can
think of," said Burns, "and that would
do no good now unless we can convey our
ideas into the other world ; that is, for a
great poet to lend his genius to the great
cook, and make the latter's name immortal

116 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

by putting it into a poem. Say, for in-
stance, that you had eaten a fine bit of ter-
rapin, done to the most exquisite point —
you could have asked the cook's name, and
written an apostrophe to her. Something
like this, for instance :

Oh, Dinah Rudd ! oh, Dinah Ruddl

Thou art a cook of bluest blood!

Nowhere within

This world of sin

Have 1 Jer tasted better terrapin.

Do you see ?"

" I do ; but even then, my dear fellow,
the cook would fall short of true fame.
Her excellence would be a mere matter of
hearsay evidence," said Homer.

" Not if you went on to describe, in a
keenly analytical manner, the virtues of
that particular bit of terrapin," said Burns.
" Draw so vivid a picture of the dish that
the reader himself would taste that terra-
pin even as you tasted it."

" You have hit it !" cried Homer, enthu-

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE 117

siastically. "It is a grand plan ; but how to
introduce it — that is the question."

" We can haunt some modern poet, and
give him the idea in that way," suggested
Burns. " He will see the novelty of it, and
will possibly disseminate the idea as we
wish it to be disseminated."

" Done !" said Homer. " I'll begin right
away. I feel like haunting to-night. I'm
getting to be a pretty old ghost, but I'll
never lose my love of haunting."

At this point, as Homer spoke, a fine-
looking spirit entered the room, and took
a seat at the head of the long table at
which the regular club dinner was nightly
served.

" Why, bless me !" said Homer, his face
lighting up with pleasure. " Why, Phidias,
is that you ?"

u I think so," said the new-comer, weari-
ly ; " at any rate, it's all that's left of
me."

" Come over here and lunch with us,"
said Homer. "You know Burns, don't
you?"

118 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

" Haven't the pleasure," said Phidias.

The poet and the sculptor were intro-
duced, after which Phidias seated himself
at Homer's side.

" Are you any relation to Burns the
poet ?" the former asked, addressing the
Scotchman.

" I am Burns the poet," replied the
other.

"You don't look much like your statues,"
said Phidias, scanning his face critically.

"No, thank the Fates!" said Burns,
warmly. " If I did, I'd commit suicide."

"Why don't you sue the sculptors for
libel ?" asked Phidias.

" You speak with a great deal of feeling,
Phidias," said Homer, gravely. " Have
they done anything to hurt you ?"

"They have," said Phidias. "I have
just returned from a tour of the world. I
have seen the things they call sculpture in
these degenerate days, and I must confess —
who shouldn't, perhaps — that I could have
done better work with a baseball-bat for a
chisel and putty for the raw material"

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE 119

" I think I could do good work with a
baseball-bat too," said Burns ; " but as for
the raw material, give me the heads of the
men who have sculped me to work on. I'd
leave them so that they'd look like some of
your Parthenon frieze figures with the
noses gone."

"You are a vindictive creature," said Ho-
mer. " These men you criticise, and whose
heads you wish to sculp with a baseball-bat,
have done more for you than you ever did
for them. Every statue of you these men
have made is a standing advertisement of
your books, and it hasn't cost you a penny.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that if it
were not for those statues countless people
would go to their graves supposing that the
great Scottish Burns were little rivulets,
and not a poet. What difference does it
make to you if they haven't made an Adonis
of you ? You never set them an example
by making one of yourself. If there's de-
ception anywhere, it isn't you that is de-
ceived ; it is the mortals. And who cares
about them or their opinions ?"

120 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

"I never thought of it in that way,"
said Burns. "I hate caricatures — that is,
caricatures of myself. I enjoy caricatures
of other people, but — "

"You have a great deal of the mortal
left in you, considering that you pose as
an immortal," said Homer, interrupting the
speaker.

" Well, so have I," said Phidias, resolved
to stand by Burns in the argument, "and
I'm sorry for the man who hasn't. I was
a mortal once, and I'm glad of it. I had
a good time, and I don't care who knows
it. When I look about me and see Jupiter,
the arch -snob of creation, and Mars, a lit-
tle tin warrior who couldn't have fought a
soldier like Napoleon, with all his alleged
divinity, I thank the Fates that they ena-
bled me to achieve immortality through
mortal effort. Hang hereditary great-
ness, I say. These men were born im-
mortals. You and I worked for it and
got it. We know what it cost. It was
ours because we earned it, and not be-
cause we were born to it. Eh, Burns ?"

PHIDIAS SEES "A LIFE-SIZE STATUE OF THE INVENTOR
OF A NEW KIND OF LARD "

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE 121

The Scotchman nodded assent, and the
Greek sculptor went on.

" I ani not vindictive myself, Homer,"
he said. " Nobody has hurt me, and, on
the whole, I don't think sculpture is in
such a bad way, after all. There's a shoe-
maker I wot of in the mortal realms who
can turn the prettiest last you ever saw;
and I encountered a carver in a London
eating-house last month who turned out a
slice of beef that was cut as artistically
as I could have done it myself. What I
object to chiefly is the tendency of the
times. This is an electrical age, and men
in my old profession aren't content to turn
out one chef-d'oeuvre in a lifetime. They
take orders by the gross. I waited upon
inspiration. To-day the sculptor waits
upon custom, and an artist will make a
bust of anybody in any material desired
as long as he is sure of getting his pay af-
terwards. I saw a life-size statue of the
inventor of a new kind of lard the other
day, and what do you suppose the mate-
rial was? Gold? Not by a great deal.

122 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

Ivory? Marble, even? Not a bit of it.
He was done in lard, sir. I have seen a
woman's head done in butter, too, and it
makes me distinctly weary to think that
my art should be brought so low."

"You did your best work in Greece,"
chuckled Homer.

" A bad joke, my dear Homer," retorted
Phidias. "I thought sculpture was get-
ting down to a pretty low ebb when I had
to fashion friezes out of marble ; but mar-
ble is more precious than rubies alongside
of butter and lard."

" Each has its uses," said Homer. " I'd
rather have butter on my bread than mar-
ble, but I must confess that for sculpture
it is very poor stuff, as you say."

" It is indeed," said Phidias. " For prac-
tice it's all right to use butter, but for ex-
hibition purposes — bah !"

Here Phidias, to show his contempt for
butter as raw material in sculpture, seized
a wooden toothpick, and with it modelled
a beautiful head of Minerva out of the pat
that stood upon the small plate at his side,

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE 123

and before Burns could interfere had
spread the chaste figure as thinly as he
could upon a piece of bread, which he
tossed to the shade of a hungry dog that
stood yelping on the river-bank.

" Heavens !" cried Burns. " Imperious
Caesar dead and turned to bricks is as noth-
ing to a Minerva carved by Phidias used
to stay the hunger of a ravening cur."

" Well, it's the way I feel," said Phid-
ias, savagely.

" I think you are a trifle foolish to be so
eternally vexed about it," said Homer,
soothingly. "Of course you feel badly,
but, after all, what's the use ? You must
know that the mortals would pay more for
one of your statues than they would for a
specimen of any modern sculptor's art ;
yes, even if yours were modelled in wine-
jelly and the other fellow's in pure gold.
So why repine ?"

" You'd feel the same way if poets did a
similarly vulgar thing," retorted Phidias ;
"you know you would. If you should
hear of a poet to-day writing a poem on

124 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

a thin layer of lard or butter, you would
^ourself be the first to call a halt."

V

"No, I shouldn't," said Homer, quietly;
"in fact, I wish the poets would do that.
We'd have fewer bad poems to read ; and
that's the way you should look at it. I
venture to say that if this modern plan of
making busts and friezes in butter had
been adopted at an earlier period, the pub-
lic places in our great cities and our na-
tional Walhallas would seem less like re-
positories of comic art, since the first
critical rays of a warm sun would have
reduced the carven atrocities therein to a
spot on the pavement. The butter school
of sculpture has its advantages, my boy,
and you should be crowning the inventor
of the system with laurel, and not heap-
ing coals of fire upon his brow."

"That," said Burns, "is, after all, the
solid truth, Phidias. Take the brass cari-
catures of me, for instance. Where would
they be now if they had been cast in lard
instead of in bronze ?"

Phidias was silent a moment.

AS TO COOKERY AND SCULPTURE 125

" Well," he said, finally, as the value of
the plan dawned upon his mind, "from
that point of view I don't know but what
you are right, after all ; and, to show that
I have spoken in no vindictive spirit, let
me propose a toast. Here's to the Butter
Sculptors. May their butter never give
out."

The toast was drained to the dregs, and
Phidias went home feeling a little better.

STORY-TELLERS' NIGHT

IT was Story-tellers' Night at the house-
boat, and the best talkers of Hades were
/ impressed into the service. Doctor John-
son was made chairman of the evening.

"Put him in the chair," said Raleigh.
" That's the only way to keep him from
telling a story himself. If he starts in on
a tale he'll make it a serial sure as fate, but
if you make him the medium through
which other story-tellers are introduced to
the club he'll be finely epigrammatic. He
can be very short and sharp when he's
talking about somebody else. Personality
is his forte."

" Great scheme," said Diogenes, who was
chairman of the entertainment commit-
tee. " The nights over here are long, but
if Johnson started on a story they'd have

STORY-TELLERS' NIGHT 127

to reach twice around eternity and half-
way back to give him time to finish all he
had to say."

" He's not very witty, in my judgment,"
said Carlyle, who since his arrival in the
other world has manifested some jealousy
of Solomon and Doctor Johnson.

" That's true enough," said Raleigh ;
"but he's strong, and he's bound to say
something that will put the audience in
sympathy with the man that he introduces,
and that's half the success of a Story-tell-
ers' Night. I've told stories myself. If
your audience doesn't sympathize with you
you'd be better ofi° at home putting the
baby to bed."

And so it happened. Doctor Johnson
was made chairman, and the evening came.
The Doctor was in great form. A list of
the story-tellers had been sent him in ad-
vance, and he was prepared. The audience
was about as select a one as can be found
in Hades. The doors were thrown open to
the friends of the members, and the smoke-
furnace had been filled with a very superior

128 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

quality of Arcadian mixture which Scott
had brought back from a haunting - trip
to the home of " The Little Minister," at
Thrums.

" Friends and fellow-spooks," the Doc-
tor began, when all were seated on the
visionary camp-stools — which, by the way,
are far superior to those in use in a world
of realities, because they do not creak in
the midst of a fine point demanding ab-
solute silence for appreciation — " I do not
know why I have been chosen to preside
over this gathering of phantoms ; it is the
province of the presiding officer on occa-
sions of this sort to say pleasant things,
which he does not necessarily endorse,
about the sundry persons who are to do the
story - telling. Now, I suppose you all
know me pretty well by this time. If there
is anybody who doesn't, I'll be glad to have
him presented after the formal work of the
evening is over, and if I don't like him I'll
tell him so. You know that if I can be
counted upon for any one thing it is candor,
and if I hurt the feelings of any of these

STORY-TELLERS' NIGHT

129

individuals whom I introduce to-night, I
want them distinctly to understand that it
is not because I love them less, but that I
love truth more. With this — ah — blanket
apology, as it were, to cover all possible
emergencies that may arise during the
evening, I wiil begin. The first speaker on
the programme, I regret to observe, is my
friend Goldsmith. Affairs of this kind
ought to begin with a snap, and while Oli-
ver is a most excellent writer, as a speaker
he is a pebbleless Demosthenes. If I had
had the arrangement of the programme I
should have had Goldsmith tell his story
while the rest of us were down - stairs
at supper. However, we must abide by
our programme, which is unconscionably
long, for otherwise we will never get
through it. Those of you who agree with
me as to the pleasure of listening to my
friend Goldsmith will do well to join me
in the grill-room while he is speaking,
where, I understand, there is a very fine line
of punches ready to be served. Modest
Noll, will you kindly inflict yourself upoo

130 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

the gathering, and send me word when yoix
get through, if you ever do, so that I may
return and present number two to the
assembly, whoever or whatever he may
be?"

With these words the Doctor retired,
and poor Goldsmith, pale with fear, rose
up to speak. It was evident that he was
quite as doubtful of his ability as a talker
as was Johnson.

" I'm not much of a talker, or, as some
say, speaker," he said. " Talking is not my
forte, as Doctor Johnson has told you, and
I am therefore not much at it. Speaking
is not in my line. I cannot speak or talk,
as it were, because I am not particularly
ready at the making of a speech, due partly
to the fact that I am not much of a talker
anyhow, and seldom if ever speak. I will
therefore not bore you by attempting to
speak, since a speech by one who like my-
self is, as you are possibly aware, not a
fluent nor indeed in any sense an eloquent
speaker, is apt to be a bore to those who
will be kind enough to listen to my remarks,

" GOLDSMITH, PALE WITH FEAR, RISES TO SPEAK

181

but will read instead the first five chapters
of the Vicar of Wakefield."

"Who suggested any such night as this,
anyhow?" growled Carlyle. "Five chap-
ters of the Vicar of WaJcefield for a start-
er ! Lord save us, we'll need a Vicar of
Sleepfield if he's allowed to do this !"

" I move we adjourn," said Darwin.

" Can't something be done to keep these
younger members quiet ?" asked Solomon,
frowning upon Carlyle and Darwin.

" Yes," said Douglas Jerrold. " Let Gold-
smith go on. He'll have them asleep in ten
minutes."

Meanwhile, Goldsmith was plodding ear-
nestly through his stint, utterly and happily
oblivious of the effect he was having upon
his audience.

" This is awful," whispered Wellington
to Bonaparte.

" Worse than Waterloo," replied the ex-
Emperor, with a grin ; " but we can stop
it in a minute. Artemas Ward told me
once how a camp-meeting he attended in
the West broke up to go outside and see

132 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

a dog-fight. Can't you and I pretend to
quarrel ? A personal assault by you on me
will wake these people up and discombob-
ulate Goldsmith. Say the word — only don't
hit too hard."

"I'm with you," said Wellington. Where-
upon, with a great show of heat, he roared
out, " You ? Never ! I'm more afraid of
a boy with a bean-snapper that I ever was
of you!" and followed up his remark by
pulling Bonaparte's camp-chair from un-
der him, and letting the conqueror of Aus-
terlitz fall to the floor with a thud which
I have since heard described as dull and
sickening.

The effect was instantaneous. Compared
to a personal encounter between the two
great figures of Waterloo, a reading from
his own works by Goldsmith seemed -lack-
ing in the elements essential to the holding
of an audience. Consequently, attention
was centred in the belligerent warriors,
and, by some odd mistake, when a peace-
loving member of the assemblage, realizing
the indecorousness of the incident, cried

133

out, " Put him out ! put him out !" the at-
tendants rushed in, and, taking poor Gold-
smith by his collar, hustled him out through
the door, across the deck, and tossed him
ashore without reference to the gang-plank.
This accomplished, a personal explanation
of their course was made by the quarrelling
generals, and, peace having been restored,
a committee was sent in search of Gold-
smith with suitable apologies. The good
and kindly soul returned, but having lost
his book in the melee, much to his own
gratification, as well as to that of the audi-
ence, he was permitted to rest in quiet the
balance of the evening.

" Is he through ?" said Johnson, poking
his head in at the door when order was re-
stored.

"Yes, sir," said Boswell ; " that is to say,
he has retired permanently from the field.
He didn't finish, though."

"Fellow-spooks," began Johnson once
more, " now that you have been delighted
with the honeyed eloquence of the last
speaker, it is my privilege to present to you

134 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

that eminent fabulist Baron Munchausen,
the greatest unrealist of all time, who will
give you an exhibition of his paradoxical
power of lying while standing."

The applause which greeted the Baron
was deafening. He was, beyond all doubt,
one of the most popular members of the
club.

" Speaking of whales," said he, leaning
gracefully against the table.

"Nobody has mentioned 'em," said John-
son.

"True," retorted the Baron ; "but you
always suggest them by your apparently
unquenchable thirst for spouting — speak-
ing of whales, my friend Jonah, as well as
the rest of you, may be interested to know
that I once had an experience similar to
his own, and, strange to say, with the iden-
tical whale."

Jonah arose from his seat in the back of
the room. " I do not wish to be unpleas-
ant," he said, with a strong effort to be
calm, "but I wish to ask if Judge Black-
stone is in the room."

WELLINGTON PULLS BONAPARTE'S CAMP-CHAIR FROM UNDER
HIM

STORY-TELLERS' NIGHT 135

" I am," said the Judge, rising. " What
can I do for you ?"

"I desire to apply for an injunction re-
straining the Baron from using my whale
in his story. That whale, your honor, is
copyrighted," said Jonah. " If I had any
other claim to the affection of mankind
than the one which is based on my experi-
ence with that leviathan, I would willingly
permit the Baron to introduce him into
his story; but that whale, your honor, is
my stock in trade — he is my all."

" I think Jonah's point is well taken,"
said Blackstone, turning to the Baron.
" It would be a distinct hardship, I think,
if the plaintiff in this action were to be
deprived of the exclusive use of his sole
accessory. The injunction prayed for is
therefore granted. The court would sug-
gest, however, that the Baron continue
with his story, using another whale for
the purpose."

"It is impossible," said Munchausen,
gloomily. " The whole point of the story
depends upon its having been Jonah's

136 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

whale. Under the circumgt ances, the only
thing I can do is to sit down. I regret
the narrowness of mind exhibited by my
friend Jonah, but I must respect the de-
cision of the court."

"I must take exception to the Baron's
allusion to my narrowness of mind," said
Jonah, with some show of heat. "I am
simply defending my rights, and I intend
to continue to do so if the whole world
unites in considering my mind a mere
slot scarcely wide enough for the inser-
tion of a nickel. That whale was my dis-
covery, and the personal discomfort I en-
dured in perfecting my experience was
such that I resolved to rest my reputation
upon his broad proportions only — to sink
or swim with him — and I cannot at this
late day permit another to crowd me out
of his exclusive use."

Jonah sat down and fanned himself,
and the Baron, with a look of disgust on
his face, left the room.

"Up to his old tricks," he growled as
he went. " He queers everything he goes

STORY-TELLERS' NIGHT 137

into. If I'd known he was a member of
this club I'd never have joined."

" We do not appear to be progressing
very rapidly," said Doctor Johnson, rising.
" So far we have made two efforts to have
stories told, and have met with disaster
each time. I don't know but what you
are to be congratulated, however, on your
escape. Very few of you, I observe, have
as yet fallen asleep. The next number on
the programme, I see, is Bos well, who was
to have entertained you with a few remi-
niscences ; I say was to have done so, be-
cause he is not to do so."

" I'm ready," said Boswell, rising.

"No doubt," retorted Johnson, severe-
ly, "but I am not. You are a man with
one subject — myself. I admit it's a good
subject, but you are not the man to treat
of it — here. You may suffice for mortals,
but here it is different. I can speak for
myself. You can go out and sit on the
banks of the Vitriol Reservoir and lecture
to the imps if you want to, but when it
comes to reminiscences of me I'm on deck

138 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

myself, and I flatter myself I remember
what I said and did more accurately than
you do. Therefore, gentlemen, instead of
listening to Boswell at this point, you will
kindly excuse him and listen to me.
Ahem ! When I was a boy — "

" Excuse me," said Solomon, rising ;
"about how long is this — ah — this enter-
taining discourse of yours to continue?"

" Until I get through," returned John-
son, wrathfully.

"Are you aware, sir, that I am on the
programme ?" asked Solomon.

" I am," said the Doctor. " With that
in mind, for the sake of our fellow-spooks
who are present, I am very much inclined
to keep on forever. When I was a
boy—"

Carlyle rose up at this point.

" I should like to ask," he said, mildly,
" if this is supposed to be an audience of
children ? I, for one, have no wish to lis-
ten to the juvenile stories of Doctor John-
son. Furthermore, I have come here par-
ticularly to-night to hear Boswell. I want

139

to compare him with Froude. I therefore f-
protest against — "

" There is a roof to this house-boat," said
Doctor Johnson. " If Mr. Carlyle will re-
tire to the roof with Boswell I have no
doubt he can be accommodated. As for
Solomon's interruption, I can afford to
pass that over with the silent contempt it
deserves, though I may add with proprie-
ty that I consider his most famous prov-
erbs the most absurd bits of hack-work I
ever encountered ; and as for that story
about dividing a baby between two moth-
ers by splitting it in two, it was grossly i
inhuman unless the baby was twins. When
I was a boy — "

As the Doctor proceeded, Carlyle and
Solomon, accompanied by the now angry
Boswell, left the room, and my account of
the Story-tellers' Night must perforce
stop ; because, though I have never here-
tofore confessed it, all my information
concerning the house -boat on the Styx
has been derived from the memoranda of
Boswell. It may be interesting to the read-

140 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

er to learn, however, that, according to Bos-
well's account, the Story-tellers' Night was
never finished ; but whether this means
that it broke up immediately afterwards
in a riot, or that Doctor Johnson is still at
work detailing his reminiscences, I am not
aware, and I cannot at the moment of
writing ascertain, for Boswell, when I have
the pleasure of meeting him, invariably
avoids the subject.

XI

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS

IT was Noah who spoke.

" Pm glad," he said, " that when I em-
barked at the time of the heavy rains that
did so much damage in the old days, there
weren't any dogs like that fellow Cerberus
about. If I'd had to feed a lot of three-
headed beasts like him the Ark would
have run short of provisions inside of ten
days."

" That's very likely true," observed Mr.
Barnum; "but I must confess, my dear
Noah, that you showed a lamentable lack
of the showman's instinct when you se-
lected the animals you did. A more com-
monplace lot of beasts were never gathered
together, and while Adam is held respon-
sible for the introduction of sin into the

142 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

world, I attribute most of my offences to
none other than yourself."

The members of the club drew their
chairs a little closer. The conversation
had opened a trifle spicily, and, further-
more, they had retained enough of their
mortality to be interested in animal stories.
Adam, who had managed to settle his
back dues and delinquent house-charges,
and once more acquired the privileges of
the club, nodded his head gratefully at
Mr. Barnum.

"I'm glad to find some one," said he,
" who places the responsibility for trouble
where it belongs. I'm round-shouldered
with the blame I've had to bear. I didn't
invent sin any more than I invented the
telephone, and I think it's rather rough on
a fellow who lived a quiet, retiring, pas-
toral life, minding his own business and
staying home nights, to be held up to
public reprobation for as long a time as I
have."

" It '11 be all right in time," said Raleigh ;
"just wait — be patient, and your viudica-

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 143

tion will come. Nobody thought much of
the plays Bacon and I wrote for Shake-
speare until Shakespeare 'd been dead a
century."

" Humph!" said Adam, gloomily. "Wait!
What have I been doing all this time ?
I've waited all the time there's been so far,
and until Mr. Barnum spoke as he did 1
haven't observed the slightest inclination
on the part of anybody to rehabilitate my
lost reputation. Nor do I see exactly how
it's to come about even if I do wait."

" You might apply for an investigating
committee to look into the charges," sug-
gested an American politician, just over.y
" Get your friends on it, and you'll be all
right."

"Better let sleeping dogs lie," said
Blackstone.

"I intend to," said Adam. "The fact
is, I hate to give any further publicity to
the matter. Even if I did bring the case
into court and sue for libel, I've only got
one witness to prove my innocence, and
that's my wife. I'm not going to drag her

144 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

into it. She's got nervous prostration over
her position as it is, and this would make
it worse. Queen Elizabeth and the rest of
these snobs in society won't invite her to
any of their functions because they say
she hadn't any grandfather; and even if
she were received by them, she'd be un-
comfortable going about. It isn't pleasant
for a woman to feel that every one knows
she's the oldest woman in the room."

"Well, take my word for it," said Ra-
leigh, kindly. " It '11 all come out all right.
You know the old saying, ' History repeats
itself.' Some day you will be living back
in Eden again, and if you are only careful
to make an exact record of all you do, and
have a notary present, before whom you
can make an affidavit as to the facts, you
will be able to demonstrate your inno-
cence."

" I was only condemned on hearsay ev-
idence, anyhow," said Adam, ruefully.

" Nonsense ; you were caught red-hand-
ed," said Noah ; " my grandfather told
me so. And now that I've got a chance to

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 145

slip in a word edgewise, I'd, like mightily
to have you explain your statement, Mr.
Barnum, that I am responsible for your
errors. That is a serious charge to bring
against a man of my reputation."

"I mean simply this: that to make a
show interesting," said Mr. Barnum, "a
man has got to provide interesting ma-
terials, that's all. I do not mean to say a
word that is in any way derogatory to your
morality. You were a surprisingly good
man for a sea-captain, and with the excep-
tion of that one occasion when you — ah —
you allowed yourself to be stranded on the
bar, if I may so put it, I know of nothing
to be said against you as a moral, temper-
ate person."

" That was only an accident," said Noah,
reddening. " You can't expect a man of
six hundred odd years of age — "

"Certainly not," said Raleigh, sooth-
ingly, " and nobody thinks less of you for
it. Considering how you must have hated
the sight of water, the wonder of it is that
it didn't become a fixed habit. Let us
10

146 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

hear what it is that Mr. Barnum does crit-
icise in you."

"His taste, that's all," said Mr. Bar-
num. "I contend that, compared to the
animals he might have had, the ones he
did have were as ant-hills to Alps. There
were more magnificent zoos allowed to die
out through Noah's lack of judgment than
one likes to think of. Take the Protero-
saurus, for instance. Where on earth do
we find his equal to-day ?"

" You ought to be mighty glad you
can't find one like him," put in Adam. " If
you'd spent a week in the Garden of Eden
with me, with lizards eight feet long
dropping out of the trees on to your lap
while you were trying to take a Sunday-
afternoon nap, you'd be willing to dis-
pense with things of that sort for the bal-
ance of your natural life. If you want to
get an idea of that experience let some-
body drop a calf on you some afternoon."

" I am not saying anything about that,"
returned Barnum. " It would be unpleas-
ant to have an elephant drop on one after

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 147

the fashion of which you speak, but I am
glad the elephant was saved just the same.
I haven't advocated the Proterosaurus as
a Sunday -afternoon surprise, but as an
attraction for a show. I still maintain
that a lizard as big as a cow would prove
a lodestone, the drawing powers of which
the pocket-money of the small boy would
be utterly unable to resist. Then there
was the Iguanadon. He'd have brought a
fortune to the box-office — "

" Which you'd have immediately lost,"
retorted Noah, " paying rent. When you
get a reptile of his size, that reaches thirty
feet up into the air when he stands on his
hind -legs, the ordinary circus wagon of
commerce can't be made to hold him, and
your menagerie-room has to have ceilings
so high that every penny he brought to
the box-office would be spent storing him."

" Mischievous, too," said Adam, " that
Iguanadon. You couldn't keep anything
out of his reach. We used to forbid an-
imals of his kind to enter the garden, but
that didn't bother him ; he'd stand up on

148 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

his hind-legs and reach over and steal any-
thing he'd happen to want."

" I could have used him for a fire-es-
cape," said Mr. Barnum; "and as for my
inability to provide him with quarters, I'd
have met that problem after a short while.
I've always lamented the absence, too, of
the Megalosaurus — "

" Which simply shows how ignorant you
are," retorted Noah. " Why, my dear fel-
low, it would have taken the whole of an
ordinary zoo such as yours to give the
Megalosaurus a lunch. Those fellows
would eat a rhinoceros as easily as you'd
crack a peanut. I did have a couple of
Megalosaurians on my boat for just twenty*
four hours, and then I chucked them both
overboard. If I'd kept them ten day a
longer they'd have eaten every blessed
beast I had with me, and your Zoo wouldn't
have had anything else but Megalosau>
rians."

" Papa is right about that, Mr. Barnum,"
said Shem. " The whole Saurian tribe was
a fearful nuisance. About four hundred

" ' PAPA IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT, MR. BARNUM,' SAID 8HEM

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 149

years before the flood I had a pet Creo-
saurus that I kept in our barn. He was a
cunning little devil — full of tricks, and all
that; but we never could keep a cow or a
horse on the place while he was about.
Thej7'd mysteriously disappear, and we
never knew what became of 'em until one
morning we surprised Fido in — "

"Surprised who?" asked Doctor John-
son, scornfully.

" Fido," returned Shem. " That was my
Creosaurus's name."

" Lord save us ! Fido !" cried Johnson.
" What a name for a Creosaurus !"

"Well, what of it?" asked Shem, an-
grily. "You wouldn't have us call a
mastodon like that Fanny, would you, or
Tatters?"

" Go on," said Johnson ; " I've nothing
to say."

" Shall I send for a physician ?" put in
Boswell, looking anxiously at his chief, the
situation was so extraordinary.

Solomon and Carlyle giggled ; and the
Doctor having politely requested Boswell

150 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

to go to a warmer section of the country,
Shem resumed.

" I caught him in the act of swallowing
five cows and Ham's favorite trotter, sulky
and all."

Baron Munchausen rose up and left the
room.

" If they're going to lie I'm going to get
out," he said, as he passed through the
room.

"What became of Fido?" asked Bos-
well.

"The sulky killed him," returned Shem,
innocently. "He couldn't digest the
wheels."

Noah looked approvingly at his son, and,
turning to Barnum, observed, quietly :

"What he says is true, and I will go
further and say that it is my belief that
you would have found the show business
impossible if I had taken that sort of
creature aboard. You'd have got mighti-
ly discouraged after your antediluvians
had chewed up a few dozen steam calli-
opes, and eaten every other able-bodied ex-

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 151

hibit you had managed to secure. I'd have
tried to save a couple of Discosaurians if
I hadn't supposed they were able to take
care of themselves. A combination of sea-
serpent and dragon, with a neck twenty-
two feet long, it seemed to me, ought to
have been able to ride out any storm or
fall of rain; but there I was wrong, and I
am free to admit my error. It never oc-
curred to me that the sea-serpents were
in any danger, so I let them alone, with
the result that I never saw but one other,
and he was only an illusion due to that
unhappy use of stimulants to which, with
shocking bad taste, you have chosen to
refer."

"I didn't mean to call up unpleasant
memories," said Barnum. " I never be-
lieved you got half-seas over, anyhow; but,
to return to our muttons, why didn't you
hand down a few varieties of the Therium
family to posterity ? There were the Dino-
therium and the Megatherium, either one
of which would have knocked spots out of
any leopard that ever was made, and along-

162 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

side of which even my woolly horse would
have paled into insignificance. That's what
I can't understand in your selections ; with
Megatheriums to burn, why save leopards
and panthers and other such every-day
creatures ?"

" What kind of a boat do you suppose I
had ?" cried Noah. " Do you imagine for
a moment that she was four miles on the
water-line, with a mile and three-quarters
beam ? If I'd had a pair of Dinotheriums
in the stern of that Ark, she'd have tipped
up fore and aft, until she'd have looked like
a telegraph-pole in the water, and if I'd put
'em amidships they'd have had to be wedged
in so tightly they couldn't move to keep
the vessel trim. I didn't go to sea, my
friend, for the purpose of being tipped over
in mid-ocean every time one of my cargo
wanted to shift his weight from one leg to
the other."

" It was bad enough with the elephants,
wasn't it, papa ?" said Shem.

"Yes, indeed, my son," returned the
patriarch. "It was bad enough with the

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 153

elephants. We had to shift our ballast
half a dozen times a day to keep the boat
from travelling on her beam ends, the ele-
phants moved about so much ; and when
we came to the question of provender, it
took up about nine-tenths of our hold to
store hay and peanuts enough to keep them
alive and good-tempered. On the whole,
I think it's rather late in the day, consider-
ing the trouble I took to save anything
but myself and my family, to be criticised
as I now am. You ought to be much
obliged to me for saving any animals at all.
Most people in my position would have
built a yacht for themselves and family,
and let everything else slide."

" That is quite true," observed Raleigh,
with a pacificatory nod at Noah. "You
were eminently unselfish, and while, with
Mr. Barnum, I exceedingly regret that the
Saurians and Therii and other tribes were
left on the pier when you sailed, I never-
theless think that you showed most excel-
lent judgment at the time."

" He was the only man who had any at

154 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

all, for that matter," suggested Shem, "and
it required all his courage to show it.
Everybody was guying him. Sinners stood
around the yard all day and every day,
criticising the model ; one scoffer pretended
he thought her a canal-boat, and asked
how deep the flood was likely to be on the
tow-path, and whether we intended to use
mules in shallow water and giraffes in
deep; another asked what time allowance
we expected to get in a fifteen-mile run,
and hinted that a year and two months
per mile struck him as being the proper
thing—"

"It was far from pleasant," said Noah,
tapping his fingers together reflectively.
" I don't want to go through it again, and
if, as Raleigh suggests, history is likely to
repeat herself, I'll sublet the contract to
Barnum here, and let him get the chaff."

" It was all right in the end, though,
dad," said Shem. "We had the great
laugh on 'hoi polloi' the second day out."

" We did, indeed," said Noah. " When
we told 'em we only carried first-class pas-

AS TO SAURIANS AND OTHERS 155

sengers and had no room for emigrants,
they began to see that the Ark wasn't such
an old tub, after all; and a good ninety per
cent, of them would have given ten dollars
for a little of that time allowance they'd
been talking to us about for several centu-
ries."

Noah lapsed into a musing silence, and
Barnum rose to leave.

"I still wish you'd saved a Discosau-
rus," he said. "A creature with a neck
twenty-two feet long would have been a
gold mine to me. He could have been
trained to stand in the ring, and by stretch-
ing out his neck bite the little boys who
sneak in under the tent and occupy seats
on the top row."

" Well, for your sake," said Noah, with
a smile, " I'm very sorry ; but for my own,
I'm quite satisfied with the general re-
sults."

And they all agreed that the patriarch
had every reason to be pleased with him-
self.

XII

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS

QUEEN ELIZABETH, attended by Ophe-
lia and Xanthippe, was walking along the
river-bank. It was a beautiful autumn day,
although, owing to certain climatic peculi-
arities of Hades, it seemed more like mid-
summer. The mercury in the club ther-
mometer was nervously clicking against
the top of the crystal tube, and poor Cer-
berus was having all he could do with his
three mouths snapping up the pestiferous
little shades of by-gone gnats that seemed
to take an almost unholy pleasure in alight-
ing upon his various noses and ears.

Ophelia was doing most of the talk-
ing.

" I am sure I have never wished to ride
one of them," she said, positively. " In
the first place, I do not see where the pleas-

THE FAIR STROLLERS

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS 157

ure of it comes in, and, in the second, it
seems to me as if skirts must be danger-
ous. If they should catch in one of the
pedals, where would I be ?"

" In the hospital shortly, methinks,"
said Queen Elizabeth.

" Well, I shouldn't wear skirts," snapped
Xanthippe. " If a man's wife can't borrow
some of her husband's clothing to reduce
her peril to a minimum, what is the use of
having a husband ? When I take to the
bicycle, which, in spite of all Socrates can
say, I fully intend to do, I shall have a
man's wheel, and I shall wear Socrates' old
dress-clothes. If Hades doesn't like it,
Hades may suifer."

"I don't see how Socrates' clothes will
help you," observed Ophelia. " He wore
skirts himself, just like all the other old
Greeks. His toga would be quite as apt
to catch in the gear as your skirts."

Xanthippe looked puzzled for a moment.
It was evident that she had not thought of
the point which Ophelia had brought up —
strong-minded ladies of her kind are apt

158 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

sometimes to overlook important links in
such chains of evidence as they feel called
upon to use in binding themselves to their
rights.

" The women of your day were relieved
of that dress problem, at any rate," laughed
Queen Elizabeth.

" The women of my day," retorted Xan-
thippe, " in matters of dress were the equals
of their husbands — in my family particu-
larly; now they have lost their rights, and
are made to confine themselves still to gar-
ments like those of yore, while man has
arrogated to himself the sole and exclusive
use of sane habiliments. However, that is
apart from the question. I was saying
that I shall have a man's wheel, and shall
wear Socrates' old dress -clothes to ride it
in, if Socrates has to go out and buy an
old dress-suit for the purpose."

The Queen arched her brows and looked
inquiringly at Xanthippe for a moment.

"A magnificent old maid was lost to the
world when you married," she said. "Feel-
ing as you do about men, my dear Xan-

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS 169

thippe, I don't see why you ever took a
husband."

" Humph !" retorted Xanthippe. "Of
course you don't. You didn't need a hus-
band. You were born with something to
govern. I wasn't."

" How about your temper ?" suggested
Ophelia, meekly.

Xanthippe sniffed frigidly at this re-
mark.

" I never should have gone crazy over a
man if I'd remained unmarried forty thou-
sand years," she retorted, severely. " I
married Socrates because I loved him and
admired his sculpture; but when he gave
up sculpture and became a thinker he sim-
ply tried me beyond all endurance, he was
so thoughtless, with the result that, hav-
ing ventured once or twice to show my
natural resentment, I have been handed
down to posterity as a shrew. I've never
complained, and I don't complain now ; but
when a woman is married to a philosopher
who is so taken up with his studies that
when he rises in the morning he doesn't

160 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

look what he is doing, and goes off to his
business in his wife's clothes, I think she is
entitled to a certain amount of sympa-
thy."

"And yet you wish to wear his," per-
sisted Ophelia.

"Turn about is fair -play," said Xan-
thippe. " I've suffered so much on his ac-
count that on the principle of averages he
deserves to have a little drop of bitters in
his nectar."

" You are simply the victim of man's de-
ceit," said Elizabeth, wishing to mollify
the now angry Xanthippe, who was on the
verge of tears. " I understood men, fort-
unately, and so never married. I knew
my father, and even if I hadn't been a wise
enough child to know him, I should not
have wed, because he married enough to
last one family for several years."

" You must have had a hard time refus-
ing all those lovely men, though," sighed
Ophelia. "Of course, Sir Walter wasn't
as handsome as my dear Hamlet, but he
was very fetching."

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS

161

"I cannot deny that," said Elizabeth,
* and I didn't really have the heart to say
no when he asked me ; but I did tell him
that if he married me I should not become
Mrs. Raleigh, but that he should become y
King Elizabeth. He fled to Virginia on
the next steamer. My diplomacy rid me
of a very unpleasant duty."

Chatting thus, the three famous spirits
passed slowly along the path until they
came to the sheltered nook in which the
house-boat lay at anchor.

" There's a case in point," said Xanthip-
pe, as the house - boat loomed up before
them. " All that luxury is for men ; we
women are not permitted to cross the gang-
plank. Our husbands and brothers and
friends go there ; the door closes on them,
and they are as completely lost to us as
though they never existed. We don't
know what goes on in there. Socrates
tells me that their amusements are of a
most innocent nature, but how do I know
what he means by that ? Furthermore, it
keeps him from home, while I have to stay
11

162 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

at home and be entertained by my sons,
whom the Encyclopaedia Britannica right-
ly calls dull and fatuous. In other words,
club life for him, and dulness and fatuity
for me."

" I think myself they're rather queer about
letting women into that boat," said Queen
Elizabeth. " But it isn't Sir Walter's fault.
He told me he tried to have them establish
a Ladies' Day, and that they agreed to do
so, but have since resisted all his efforts to
have a date set for the function."

" It would be great fun to steal in there
now, wouldn't it," giggled Ophelia. " There
doesn't seem to be anybody about to pre-
vent our doing so."

"That's true," said Xanthippe. "All
the windows are closed, as if there wasn't
a soul there. I've half a mind to take a
peep in at the house."

"I am with you," said Elizabeth, her
face lighting up with pleasure. It was a
great novelty, and an unpleasant one to
her, to find some place where she could
not go. " Let's do it," she added.

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS 163

So the three women tiptoed softly up
the gang-plank, and, silently boarding the
house -boat, peeped in at the windows.
What they saw merely whetted their curi-
osity.

" I must see more," cried Elizabeth, rush-
ing around to the door, which opened at
her touch. Xanthippe and Ophelia fol-
lowed close on her heels, and shortly they
found themselves, open-mouthed in won-
dering admiration, in the billiard-room of
the floating palace, and Richard, the ghost
of the best billiard-room attendant in or
out of Hades, stood before them.

" Excuse me," he said, very much upset
by the sudden apparition of the ladies.
" I'm very sorry, but ladies are not admit-
ted here."

" We are equally sorry," retorted Eliza-
beth, assuming her most imperious manner,
" that your masters have seen fit to prohibit
our being here; but, now that we are here, we
intend to make the most of the opportunity,
particularly as there seem to be no members
about. What has become of them all ?"

164 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

Richard smiled broadly. " I don't know
where they are," he replied; but it was
evident that he was not telling the exact
truth.

"Oh, come, my boy," said the Queen,
kindly, "you do know. Sir Walter told
me you knew everything. Where are
they ?"

" Well, if you must know, ma'am," re-
turned Richard, captivated by the Queen's
manner, " they've all gone down the river
to see a prize-fight between Goliath and
Samson."

" See there!" cried Xanthippe. " That's
what this club makes possible. Socrates
told me he was coming here to take lunch-
eon with Carlyle, and they've both of 'em
gone off to a disgusting prize-fight !"

" Yes, ma'am, they have," said Richard ;
"and if Goliath wins, I don't think Mr.
Socrates will get home this evening."

"Betting, eh?" said Xanthippe, scorn-
fully.

" Yes, ma'am," returned Richard.

" More club !" cried Xanthippe.

THE HOUSK-BOAT DISAPPEARS 166

" Oh no, ma'am," said Richard. " Bet-
ting is not allowed in the club ; they're
very strict about that. But the shore is
only ten feet off, ma'am, and the gentle-
men always go ashore and make their
bets."

During this little colloquy Elizabeth and
Ophelia were wandering about, admiring
everything they saw.

" I do wish Lucretia Borgia and Calpur-
nia could see this. I wonder if the Caesars
are on the telephone," Elizabeth said. In-
vestigation showed that both the Borgias
and the Caesars were on the wire, and in
short order the two ladies had been made
acquainted with the state of affairs at the
house-boat ; and as they were both quite
as anxious to see the interior of the much-
talked - of club - house as the others, they
were not long in arriving. Furthermore,
they brought with them half a dozen more
ladies, among whom were Desdemona and
Cleopatra, and then began the most ex-
traordinary session the house -boat ever
knew. A meeting was called, with Eliz-

166 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

abeth in the chair, and all the best ladies
of the Stygian realms were elected mem-
bers. Xanthippe, amid the greatest ap-
plause, moved that every male member of
the organization be expelled for conduct
unworthy of a gentleman in attending a
prize-fight, and encouraging two such hor-
rible creatures as Goliath and Samson in
their nefarious pursuits. Desdemona sec-
onded the motion, and it was carried with-
out a dissenting voice, although Mrs. Cae-
sar, with becoming dignity, merely smiled
approval, not caring to take part too ac-
tively in the proceedings.

The men having thus been disposed of
in a summary fashion, Richard was elect-
ed Janitor in Charon's place, and the club
was entirely reorganized, with Cleopatra
as permanent President. The meeting then
adjourned, and the invaders set about en-
joying their newly acquired privileges.
The smoking-room was thronged for a
few moments, but owing to the extraor-
dinary strength of the tobacco which the
faithful Richard shovelled into the fur-

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS 167

nace, it developed no enduring popularity,
Xanthippe, with a suddenly acquired pal-
lor, being the first to renounce the pastime
as revolting.

So fast and furious was the enjoyment
of these thirsty souls, so long deprived of
their rights, that night came on without
their observing it, and with the night was
brought the great peril into which they
were thrown, and from which at the mo-
ment of writing they had not been extri-
cated, and which, to my regret, has cut me
off for the present from any further in-
formation connected with the Associated
Shades and their beautiful lounging-place.
Had they not been so intent upon the in-
ner beauties of the House-boat on the Styx
they might have observed approaching, un-
der the shadow of the westerly shore, a
long, rakish craft propelled by oars, which
dipped softly and silently and with trained
precision in the now jet-black waters of
the Styx. Manning the oars were a dozen
evil-visaged ruffians, while in the stern of
the approaching vessel there sat a grim-

168 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

faced, weather-beaten spirit, armed to the
teeth, his coat sleeves bearing the skull
and cross-bones, the insignia of piracy.

This boat, stealing up the river like a
thief in the night, contained Captain Kidd
and his pirate crew, and their mission was
a mission of vengeance. To put the mat-
ter briefly and plainly, Captain Kidd was
smarting under the indignity which the
club had recently put upon him. He had
been unanimously blackballed, even his
proposer and seconder, who had been brow-
beaten into nominating him for member-
ship, voting against him.

" I may be a pirate," he cried, when he
heard what the club had done, "but I have
feelings, and the Associated Shades will
repent their action. The time will come
when they'll find that I have their club-
house, and they have — its debts."

It was for this purpose that the great
terror of the seas had come upon this, the
first favorable opportunity. Kidd knew
that the house-boat was unguarded ; his
spies had told him that the members had

IT WAS CAPTAIN KIDD AND HIS PIRATE CREW

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS

169

every one gone to the fight, and he re-
solved that the time had come to act. He
did not know that the Fates had helped to
make his vengeance all the more terrible
and withering by putting the most attract-
ive and fashionable ladies of the Stygian
country likewise in his power ; but so it
was, and they, poor souls, while this fiend,
relentless and cruel, was slowly approach-
ing, sang on and danced on in blissful un-
consciousness of their peril.

In less than five minutes from the time
wnen his sinister craft rounded the bend
Kidd and his crew had boarded the house-
boat, cut her loose from her moorings, and
in ten minutes she had sailed away into
the great unknown, and with her went
some of the most precious gems in the so-
cial diadem of Hades.

The rest of my story is soon told. The
whole country was aroused when the crime
was discovered, but up to the date of this
narrative no word has been received of
the missing craft and her precious cargo.
Raleigh and Caesar have had the seas

170 A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX

scoured in search of her, Hamlet has of-
fered his kingdom for her return, but un-
availingly ; and the men of Hades were
cast into a gloom from which there seems
to be no relief.

Socrates alone was unaffected.

" They'll come back some day, my dear
Raleigh," he said, as the knight buried his
face, weeping, in his hands. " So why re-
pine? I'll never lose my Xanthippe — per-
manently, that is. I know that, for I am
a philosopher, and I know there is no such
thing as luck. And we can start another
club."

"Very likely," sighed Raleigh, wiping
his eyes. " I don't mind the club so much,
but to think of those poor women — "

" Oh, they're all right," returned Socra-
tes, with a laugh. " Caesar's wife is along,
and you can't dispute the fact that she's a
good chaperon. Give the ladies a chance.
They've been after our club for years; now
let 'em have it, and let us hope that they
like it. Order me up a hemlock sour, and
let's drink to their enjoyment of club life."

THE HOUSE-BOAT DISAPPEARS

171

Which was done, and I, in spirit, drank
with them, for I sincerely hope that the
"New Women" of Hades are having a
good time.

THE END

Harper's
Popular 12mo Series

Goth, Ornamental, 75 Cents Each

With Frontispiece Portraits of Authors

THE HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX. By

JOHN KENDRICK BANGS. Illustrated.
THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT.

By JOHN KENDRICK BANGS. Illustrated.
THE WAR OF THE WORLDS. By H. G.

WELLS. Illustrated.
A NEW ENGLAND NUN, and Other Stories.

By MARY E. WILKINS.
PEMBROKE. By MARY E. WILKINS.
THE GREAT STONE OF SARDIS. By

FRANK R. STOCKTON.
LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI. By MARK

TWAIN.
LORRAINE. By ROBERT W. CHAMBERS.

THE COAST OF BOHEMIA. By W. D.

HOWELLS.

A LITTLE JOURNEY IN THE WORLD.

By CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER.
THE DESCENDANT. By ELLEN GLASGOW,
THE REFUGEES. By A. CONAN DOYLE.
A TRANSPLANTED ROSE. By MRS. JOHN

SHERWOOD.
ROWENY IN BOSTON. By MARIA LOUISE

POOL.
A STRANGE MANUSCRIPT FOUND IN A

COPPER CYLINDER. By JAMES DE

MlLLE. Illustrated.

THE RED AXE. By S. R. CROCKETT. Illus-
trated.
PETER IBBETSON. By GEORGE DU MAU-

RIER. Illustrated.
THE PRINCESS ALINE. By RICHARD

HARDING DAVIS. Illustrated.
JUPITER LIGHTS. By CONSTANCE FENI-

MORE WOOLSON.

ANNE. By CONSTANCE FENIMORE WOOLSON.
THE BREADWINNERS. ANONYMOUS.

HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS

NEW YORK AND LONDON

^ Any of the above works -will be sent by mail, postage Prepaid,
to any part of the United States, Canada, or Mexico fn receipt
of tht price.

BY REBECCA HARDING DAVIS

FRANCES WALDEAUX. A Novel. Illustrated by
T. DE THULSTRUP. Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25.

A, capital novel, of the modern, vivacious type. . . . The
minor characters of the story furnish no stint of witty inter-
play as they sojourn through Europe, and the keen thrusts
and captious hits at the European nobility and American am-
bitions make truly racy reading. — Boston Transcript,

It grows in interest from chapter to chapter, and retains its
grasp on the absorbed attention from beginning to end. This
ought to prove one of the most successful stories of the year.
— Philadelphia Press.

"Frances Waldeaux" shows admirable literary reticence
and good character-drawing. The author never reveals her
plot prematurely, and the book therefore holds the interest
to the last. And she makes living beings of her characters.
— Chicago Tribune.

DOCTOR WARRICK'S DAUGHTERS. A Novel.

Illustrated by CLIFFORD CARLETON. Post 8vo, Cloth,

Ornamental, $1 50,

A very enjoyable story, . . . written in a sprightly tone, with
here and there a touch of delightfully amiable banter. . . . The
characters are strong and drawn effectively. — Independent, N. Y.

A story of unusual merit. Its success is in its plot, though
its descriptions and its characters are handled with a firm
and intelligent grasp. — Boston Journal.

A thoroughly interesting story; more than that, an absorb-
ing one. There is a real vitality about the characters and the
situations that fascinates one. — Living Church, Chicago.

The reader will be at once struck with the freshness of the
author's theme and of her method. . . . One of the best novels
of the day. — Philadelphia Inquirer.

HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS

NEW YORK AND LONDON

j^'Either of the above works will be sent by mail, postage prepaid, to
any part of the United States, Canada, or Mexico, on receipt ofthtprae.

BY EUTH McENERY STUART

MORIAH'S MOURNING, and Other Half-Houi
Sketches. Illustrated. Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental,
$1 25.

IN SIMPKINSVILLE. Character Tales. Illustrated.
Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25.

SOLOMON CROW'S CHRISTMAS POCKETS, and
Other Tales. Illustrated. Post 8vo, Cloth, Orna-
mental, $1 25.

CARLOTTA'S INTENDED, and Other Tales. Illus-
trated. Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 50.

A GOLDEN WEDDING, and Other Tales. Illus-
trated. Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 50.

THE STORY OF BABETTE : A Little Creole Girl.
Illustrated. Post 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 50.

Mrs. Stuart is one of some half-dozen American writers
who are doing the best that is being done for English litera-
ture at the present time. Her range of dialect is extraordi-
nary ; but, after all, it is not the dialect that constitutes the
chief value of her work. That will be found in its genuine-
ness, lighted up as it is by superior intelligence and imagina-
tion and delightful humor.— Chicago Tribune.

Mrs. Stuart is a genuine humorist. — N. Y. Mail and Express.

Few surpass Mrs. Stuart in dialect studies of negro life and
character. — Detroit free Press.

HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHBBS

NEW YORK AND LONDON

ny of the above works mil be sent by mail, postage
prepaid, to any part of the United States, Canada, or
Mexico, on receipt of the price.

PS
1064
B3H65
1902

Bangs, John Kendrick

A house -boat on the Styx

PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE
CARDS OR SLIPS FROM THIS POCKET

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO LIBRARY