Hudibras, in three parts: written in the time of the late wars

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GEORGE P. MURDOCK

ANTHROPOLOGICAL

COLLECTION

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HARTFORD, ^-M.A:Ni3RU

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IJUDISKAS;

THREE PARTS:

WRITTEN IN THE TIME OF THE LATE WARS

BY SAMUEL BUTLER, ESQ.

WITH

I
A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, ANNOTATIONS,

AND AN INDEX.

HARTFORD:

PUBLISHED BY WILLIAM ANDRUS.

1843.

TO THE READER.

PoETA nascitur non fit, is a sentence of as great
truth as antiquity ; it being most certain, tliat
all the acquired learning imaginable is insuffi-
cient to cornplete a poet, without a natural ge-
nious and propensity to so noble and sublime an
art. And we may, without offence, observe,
that many very learned men, who have been
ambitious to be thought poets, have only ren-
dered themselves obnoxious to that satirical in-
spiration our author wittily invokes :

On the one side, some who have had very
little human learning, but were endued with a
large share of natural wit and parts, have be-
come the most celebrated* poets of the age
they lived in. But as these last are ' Rarse aves
in terris,' so, when the Muses have not disdain-
ed the assistances of other arts and sciences,
we are then blessed with those lasting monu-
ments of wit and learning, which may justly
claim a kind of eternity upon earth: and our
author, had his modesty permitted him, might
with Horace have said,

Exegi monumeiitum sere perennius:
Or, with Ovid,
J:iraqiieopiis exee^i, quod nee Jovis iia, nee ignis,
Nee Poterii I'tnuin, ii«c adax abolerc vctiisias.
The author of this celebrated poem was of
this last composition : for although he had not
the happiness of an academical education, as
some affirm, it may be perceived, throughout
his whole poem, that he had read much, and
was very well accomplished in the most useful
parts of human learning.

Raphi, in his reflections, speaking of the ne-
cessary qualities belonging to a poet, tells us,
SJialispeare, Daveiiant, &.c

IV TO THE READER.

' he must have a genius extraordinary ; great
natural gifts ; a wit just, fruitful, piercing, solid,
and universal ; an understanding clear and dis-
tinct; an imagination neat and pleasant; an
elevation of soul that depends not only on art
or study, but is purely the gift of heaven, which
must be sustained by a lively sense and vivaci-
ty ; judgment to consider wisely of things, and
vivacity for the beautiful expression of them,''&c.

Now, how justly this character is due to our
author we leave to the impartial reader, and
thoseof nicer judgment, who had the happiness
to be more intimately acquainted with him.

The reputation of this incomparable poem
is so thoroughly established in the world, that
it would be superfluous, if not impertinent, to
endeavour any panegyric upon it. King Charles
II. whom the judicious part of mankind will
readily acknowledge to be a sovereign judge of
wit, was so great an admirer of it, that he would
often pleasantly quote it in his conversation.
However, since most men have a curiosity to
have some account of such anonymous authors
whose compositions have been eminent for wit
or learning, we have, for their information,
subjoined a short Life of the Author.

SAMUEL BUTLER
Was born in the parish of Strenshani, in Wor-
cestershire, in 1612, probabl}' in February, as
we find that he was cliristened on the 14lh day
of that montli. Of his parents our information
is very scanty. They gave him education,
however, at the grammar school of Worcester,
v.'hence he was removed either to Cambridge
or Oxford.

For some time he was clerk to Mr. Jefferys,
of Earls-Croomb,in Worcestershire, an eminent
justice of the peace ; and, while in this gentle-
man's service, had leisure for study, and amused
himself by practising music and painting. He
%vas afterward admitted into the family of the
Countess of Kent, where he enjoyed the use of
a library, and the conversation of the celebrated
Selden. From this house he removed into the
family of Sir Samuel Luke, one of Cromwell's
officers, and from what he saw here, is supposed
to have conceived the design of ridiculing the
practices of the republican party, and of form-
ing his hero on some peculiarities in the cha-
racter of Sir Samuel.

On the restoration, he was made secretary to
the Earl of Carbury, president of the princi-
pality of Wales, who conferred on him the
stewardship of Ludlow Castle, which Mr. War-
ton tliinks was a very honourable and lucrative
office. About this time he married Mrs. Her-
bert, a lady of some fortune, which, one of his
biographers informs us, was lost by bad secu-
rities.

In 166.3, the first three cantos of his Hudibras
were published, and introduced to the attention
of the court by the Earl of Dorset. In the fol-
lowing year, the second part made its appear-
ance ; and such was the general popularity of
this poem, and the particular favour with which
it was received by the king and courtiers, that
every one expected some special reward would
be bestowed on the ingenious author : but, ex-
cept three hundred guineas which the king is

vi LIFE OF SAMUEL BUTLER.

said, upon no very good authority, to have sent
to him, we find no trace of any reward or pro-
motion whatever. Discouraging as this treat-
ment was, Butler published the third part in
1678, which still leaves the story imperfect.

He died in 1680, and was buried in the
church-yard of Covent Garden. About sixty
years afterward. Alderman Barber, the printer,
erected a monument to his memory in West-
minster Abbey.

After his death three small volumes of his
posthumous pieces were published, but among
them are many spurious. In 1759, Mr. Thayer,
of Manchester, published two volumes, which
are indubitably genuine, and consist of prose
and verse ; but from neither of these publica-
tions can we collect any information as to his
private life and character. He is said to have
made no figure in conversation proportionate
to the wit displayed in his immortal poem ; and
King Charles, who had a curiosity to see him,
could never be brought to believe that he wrote
Hudibras.

Butler has usually been ranked among the
unfortunate poets who have been neglected by
their age ; yet although we can find no proof
of roj'al munificence having been extended to
him, there appears no reason to think that he
was poor in the most unfavourable sense.

Although the persons and events introduced
in Hudibras are now forgotten, or known only
to historic students, the exquisite humour of this
piece is still as keenly relished as when first pre-
sented to the public; and much of it has long
been introduced into conversation as axioms of
wit and sense. It has, indeed, been justly ob-
served by Dr. Nash, that, concerning Hudibras,
there is but one sentiment: it is universally
allowed to be the first and last poem of its kind ;
the learning, wit, and humour certamly stand
unrivalled.

HUDIBRAS.

PART L— CANTO I.

Sir Hudibras his passing worth,
The manner how he sally'd forth,
His arms and equipage are shown ;
His horse's virtues and his own.
'J'h' adventure of the Bear and Fiddle
Is sung, but breaks oif in the middle.

When civil dudgeon first grew high,

And men fell out they knew not why ;

When hard words, jealousies, and fearsj

Set folks together by the ears,

And made them fight, like mad or drunk, 5

For dame Religion as for punk ;

Whose honesty they all durst swear for,

Tho' not a man of them knew wherefore ;

When gospel-trumpeter, surrounded

With long-ear 'd rout, to battle sounded, 10

And pulpit, drum ecclesiastick,

Was beat with fist instead of a stick ;

Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling,

And out he rode a colonelling,

A wight he was whose very sight would 15

Entitle him Mirrour of Knighthood ;

That never bow'd his stubborn luiee

To any thing but chivalry ;

Nor put up blow, but that which laid

Right worshipful on shoulder-blade : 20

Chief of domestic knights and errant.

Either for chartel or for warrant ;

1. Dudgeon. Who made the alterations in the last
edition of this poem I know not, but they are certainly
sometimes for the worse ; and I cannot believe the au-
thor would have changed a word so proper in that place
;is 'dudgeon' is, for that of 'fury,' as it is in the last
edition. To take in dudgeon, is inwardly to resent some
injury or affront; a sort of grumbling in the gizzard, and
what is previous to actual fury.

8 HUDIBRAS.

Great on the bench, great in the saddle.

That could as well bind o'er as swaddle :

Mighty he was at both of these, 25

And styl'd of war as well as peace.

(So some rats, of amphibious nature,

Are either for the land or water.)

But here our author makes a doubt,

Whether he were more wise or stout. 30

Some hold the one, and some the other ;

But howsoe'er they make a pother.

The diff'rence was so small, his brain

Outweigh 'd his rage but half a grain ;

Which made some take him for a tool, 35

That knaves do work with, call'd a fool.

For 't has been held by many, that

As Montaigne, playing with his cat.

Complains she thought him but an ass,

Much more she would Sir Hudibras 40

(For that's the name our valiant Knight

To all his challenges did write.)

But they're mistaken very much ;

'Tis plain enough he was no such.

We grant, altho' he had much wit, 45

H' was ver}' shy of using it ;

As being loth to wear it out.

And therefore bore it not about ;

Unless on holy-days, or so,

As men their best apparel do. 50

Beside, 'tis known lie could speak Greek

As naturally as pigs squeak :

That Latin was no more difficile,

Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle.

Being rich in both, he never scanted 55

His bounty unto such as wanted :

But much of either would afford

To many that had not one word.

For Hebrew roots, altho' they're found

To flourish most in barren ground, 60

24. Bind over to the sessions, as being a justice of the
peace in his county, as well as a colonel of a regiment
of foot in the Parliament's army, and acommiuee-man.

38. Montaigne, In his Essays, supposes his cat thought
Mm a. fool for losing his time in playing with bet.

PART I.— CANTO I. 9

He bad such plenty as suffic'd

To make some tliink him circumcis'd;

And truly, so he was perhaps,

Not as a proselyte, but for claps.

He was in logic a great critick, 65

Profoundly skill'd in analytick ;
He could distinguish and divide
A hair 'twixt south and south-west side;
On either which he would dispute,
Confute, change hands, and still confute. 70
He'd undertake to prove, by force
Of argument, a man's no horse.
He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl,
And that a lord may be an owl,
A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 75

And rooks committee-men and trustees.
He'd run in debt by disputation,
And pay with ratiocination.
All this by syllogism, true
In mood and figure he would do. 80

For Rhetoric, lie could not ope
flis mouth, but out there flew a trope :

SI. Here asrain is an alteration without any amendmem ,
for the following lines,

And truly, so he was, perhaps,
Not as a proselyte, but for claps,
Are thus changed :

And truly so, perhaps, he was ;
'Tis many a pious Qirislian's case.

The Heathens had an odd opinion, and have a strange
reason why Moses imposed the law of circumcision on the
Jews ; which, how untrue soever, I will give the learned
reader an account of without translation ; as I find it in the
annotations upon Horace, wrote hy my worthy and learned
friend Blr. William Baxter, the great restorer of the ancient,
and promoter of modern learning.

Hor. Sat. 9. Sermon, lih. i.— ' (Jurtis ; quia pellicula immi-
nuti sunt ; quia Moses Rex Judseorem, cujus Legibus regun-

tur, negligehtia medicinaliter exsectus est, et ne

solus essel nolabilis, omnes circumcidi .voluit. Vet. SchoL

Vocem quaeinscitia Librarii exciderat reposui

nms ex conjectura, mi et medicinaliter exsectus pro medici.
nalis effectus qua; nihil erant. duis miretur ejusmodi con-
viciahominiEpicureo atquePagano excidisse? Jure igitur
Henrico Glareana Diaholi Organura videtur. Etiam Satyra
-tiuinta haec habet : Constat omnia miracula certa ratione
fieri, de quihus Epicurei pruden(i3Sime disputant.'

66. Analytic is a part of logic that teaches to decline ana
construe reason, as grammar does words

10 HUDIBRAS.

And when he happen 'd to break off

I' th' middle of his speech, or cough,

H' had hard words ready to shew why, 85

And tell wliat rules he did it by :

Else, when with greatest art he spoke,

You'd think he talk'd like other folk :

For all a rhetorician's rules

Teach nothing but to name his tools, 90

But, when he pleas'd to shew't, his speech,

In loftiness of sound, was rich ;

A Babylonish dialect.

Which learned pedants much affect.

It was a party-colour'd dress 95

Of patch'd and pye-ball'd languages :

'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,

Like fustian heretofore on satin.

It had an odd promiscuous tone.

As if h' had talk'd thr^e parts in one ; 100

Which made some think, when he did gabble,

Th' had heard three labourers of Babel;

Or Cerberus himself pronounce

A leash of languages at once.

This he as volubly would vent 105

As if his stock would ne'er be spent;

And truly to support that charge.

He had supplies as vast and largo :

For he could coin or counterfeit

New words with little or no wit : 110

Words, so debas'd and hard, no stone

Was hard enough to touch them on :

And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em.

The ignorant for current took 'em ;

93. A confusion of lanKiiages, such as some of our
modern virtuosi used to express themselves in.

103. Cerberus; a name which our poets give a dog
with three heads, which they feigned door-jjeeper of
hell, that caressed the unfortunate souls sent thither, and
devoured them that would ^et outasain : yet Flercules
tied liim up, and made him follow. This dog with three
heads, denotes the past, the present, and the time to
come, which receive, and, as it were, devour all things.
Hercules got the better of him, which shews that heroic
actions are always victorious over time, because they
are present in the memory of posterity

PART I.— CANTO I. 11

That had the orator, who once 115

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones

When he harangu'd, but known his phrase,

He would have us'd no other ways.

In Mathematicks he was greater

Than Tycho Brahe or Erra Pater : 120

For he, by geometrick scale,

Could take the size of pots of ale ;

PiBsolve, by signs and tangents, straight,

If bread or butler wanted weight ;

And wisely tell what hour o' th' day 125

The clock does strike, by algebra.

Beside, he was a shrewd philosopher.

And had read evVy text and gloss over •

Whatever the crabbed'st author hath,

He understood b' iinplicit faith : 130

Whatever sceptic could inquire for,

For ev'ry why he had a wherefore ;

Knew more than forty of them do,

As far as words and terms could go :

All which he understood by rote, 135

And, as occasion serv'd, would quote :

in his mouth.

120. Tycho Brahe was an eminent Dtmish mathematician.
Quit, in Collier's Dictionarv, or elsewhere.

131. Sceptic. Pyrrho was the chief of the sceptic philoso-
phers, and was at first, as Apollodonis saith, a painter, then
became the hearer of Driso, and at last the disciple of Anaxa-
goras, whom he followed into India, to see the Gymnoso-
phisis. He pretended that men did nothing tut by custom ;
that there was neither honesty nor dishonesty, justice nor
injustice, good nor evil. He was very solitary, lived to be
ninety years old, was hi.g-hly esteemed in his country, and
created chief priest. He lived ia the time of Epicurus and
Theophrastus, about the 120th Olympiad. His followers
■were called Pyrrhonians ; besides which, they were named
the Ephetics and Aphoretics, but more generally Sceptics.
This sect made their chiefest good to consist in a sedateness
of mind, exempt from all passions; in regulating their opi-
nions, and moderating their passions, which they call Ataxia
and Mctriopathia; and in suspending their judgment in re-
gard of good and evil, truth or falsehood, which they call
Epechi. SevtusEmpiricus, who lived in the second century,
under the Emperor Antoninus Pius, writ ten booijs againei
the mathematicians or astrologers, and three of the Pyrrho-
nian opinion. The word is derived from the Greek "
quod est, ' considerare, specular!-'

12 HUDIBRAS.

No matter whether right or wrong',

They niiglit be eillier said or sung.

His notions fitted things so well,

That which was which he could not tell ; 140

But oftentimes mistook the one

For th' other, as great clerks have done.

He could reduce all things to acts,

And knew their natures by abstracts ;

Where entity and quiddity, 145

The ghosts of defunct bodies, fly ;

Where truth in person does appear,

Like words congeal'd in northern air.

He knew what's what, and that's as high

As metaphysic wit can fly. 150

In school-divinity as able

As he that hight Irrefragable ;

A second Thomas, or, at once

To name them all, another Dunce :

143. The old philosophers thought to extract notions out of
natural things, as chymists do spirits and essences ; and,
when they had refined them into the nicest subtiltics, gave
them as insignificant names as those operators do their ex-
tractions : But, (as Seneca says) the subtler things are ren '
dered, they are but the nearer to nothing. So are all theii
definition of things by acts th'j nearer to nonsense. '

U7. Some authors have mistaken truth for a real thing,
when it IS nothing but a right method of pulting thase no
tions or images of things (in the understanding of man) int>
the same state and order that their originals hold in nature ;
and therefore Aristotle says, 'Unumquodque sicut se habet
secundum esse, ita se habet secundum reritatem.' Met

" 1 48- Some report, that in Nova Zembia and Greenland,
men's words are wont to be frozen in the air, and at t!ie thaw
may be heard.

151. Here again is another alteration of three or four lines,
a? I think, for the worse.

Some specific epithets were added to the title of sone fa
mous doctors, as Angelicus, Irrefrasrabilis, Subtilis, &c.
Vide Vossi Etymolog. Baiilet Jugeuiens de Ssavaus, and
Possevin's Apparatus.

loi. Thomas Aquinas, a Dominican friar, was born in 1221,
and studied at Cologne and Paris. He new-modelled the
school divinity, and vvas therefore called the Angebc Doctor,
and Eagle of'Divines. The most illustrious persons of hi.")
time were ambitions of his friendship, and put a hiirh v.due
on his merits, so ti)at they ottered him bishoprics, which he
refused with as much ardour as others seek after them. He
died in thefifti"thyear of his age, and was canonized by Pope
John XII. We have his works in eighteen volumes, several
times printed.

Johannas Duascotas was a very learned man, who lived

PART I.— CANTO I. 13

Profound in all the nominal 155

And real ways beyond thorn all ;

For he a rope of sand could twist

As tough as learned Sorbonist ;

And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skull

That's empty when the moon is full ; 160

Such as take iodirings in a head

That's to be let unfurnished.

He could raise scruples dark and nice,

And after solve 'em in a trice ;

As if Divinity had catch'd 165

Tlie itch on purpose to be scratch'd ;

Or, like a mountebank, did wound

And stab herself with doubts profound.

Only to shew with how small pain

The sores of faith are cur'd again ; 170

about the end of the thirteenth and beg-inninff of (he fourteenth
ury. The Enjiish and Scotch strive which of them shall
! the honour of his birth. The English say he was bora

century. The Enjiish and Scotch strive which of them shall
■ .ve the honour of his birth. The English say he was bora
Northumberland ; the Scots alleae he was born at Duns,

in the Mcrs, the neiirhbonring- county to Norihumberland,
and hence was called Dunscotus. Rtoreri, Buchanan, and
other Scotch histonaus, are of this opinion, and for proof cite
tus epitaph :

Scotia me »cnuit, Ang-lia suscepit,
Gallia edocuit, Germania tenet.

He died at Cologne, November S, 1303. In the supplement
to Dr. Cave's Historia Literaria, he is said to be extraordi-
lary learned in physics, metaphysics, mathematics, and as-
tronomy ; that his fame was so great when at Oxford, that
lOjOOO scho'ars came thither to hear his lectures ; that when
at Paris, his arguments and authority carried it for the im-
maculate conception of the Blessed Virgin : so that they ap-
pointed a festival on thai account, and would admit no scho-
I irs to degrees but such as were of this mind. He was a
great opposer of Thomas Aquinas's doctrine ; and, for being
a very acute logician, was called DuctorSubtilis ; which was
t!ie reason also thai an old punster always called him the
Lathy Doctor. , ^, „

159. Sorbon was the first and most considerable college of
the university of Paris, founded in the reign of St. Lewis, by
Robert Sorbon, wliich name is sometimes given to the whole
university of Paris, which was founded about the year 741, by
Charlemagne, at the persuasion of the learned Alcuinus, who
was one of the first professors there ; since which time it has
been very famous. This college has been rebuilt with an ex-
traordinary magnificence, at the charge of Cardinal Riche-
lieu, and contains lodgings for thirty -six doctors, who are
called the Society of Sorbon. Those which are received
among them before they have received their doctor's degree,
are onl v said to be ofthe hospitality of Sorbon. Claud. Hcm»
rauB de' Aoad Paris. Spondau. in Anaal.

14 HUDIBRAS.

Altho' by woful proof we find

They always leave a scar behind.

He knew the seat of Paradise,

Could tell in what degree it lies ;

And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it 175

Below the moon, or else above it :

What Adam dreamt of, when his bride

Came from her closet in his side :

Whether the devil tempted her

By a High-Dutch interpreter : 180

If either of them had a navel :

Who first made music malleable :

Whether the serpent, at the fall,

Had cloven feet or none at all.

All this without a gloss or comment, 185

He could unriddle in a moment,

[n proper terms, such as men smatter,

When they throw out, and miss the matter.

For his religion, it was fit
To match hislearning and his wit : 190

'Twas Presbyterian true blue ;
For he was of that stubborn crew
Of errant saints whom all men grant
To be the true church mihtant ;
Such as do build their faith upon 195

The holy text of pike and gun ;
Decide all controversies by
Infallible artillery ;
And prove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows and knocks : 200

Call fire, and sword, and desolation,
A godly thorough reformation,

173. There is nothing more ridiculous than the various
opinions of authqrs about the seat of Paradise. Sir Wal-
ter Raleigh has talien a great deal of pains to collect
them, in the beginning of his History of the World ,
where those who are uiisalislied may be fully informed.

180. Goropius Becanus endeavours to prove, that
High Dutch was the language that Adam and Eve spoke
in Paradise.

181. Adam and Eve being made, and not conceived and
formed in the womb, had no navels, as some learned
men have supposed, because they had no need of them.

182. Music is said to be invented by Pythagoras, who
first found out the proportion of notes from tlie sounds
cf hammers upon au anvil.

PART I.— CANTO I. li

Which always must be carry'd on,

And still be "doing, never done :

As if religion were intended 205

For nothmg else but to be mended.

A sect whose chief devotion lies

In odd perverse antipathies ;

[n falling out with that or this,

And finding somewhat still amiss : 210

More peevish, cross, and splenetick,

Than dog distract, or monkey sick ;

That with more care keep holy-day

The wrong, than others the right way :

Compound for sins they are inclin'd to, 215

By damning those they have no mind to :

Still so perverse and opposite,

As if they worshipped God for spite.

The self-same thing they will abhor

One way, and long another for. 220

Free-will they one way disavow ;

Another, nothing else allow.

All piety consists therein

In them, in otiier men all sin.

Rather than fail, thoy will decry 225

That which they love most tenderly ;

Quarrel with minc'd pies, and disparage

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge .

Fat pig and goose itself oppose.

And blaspheme custard thro' the nose. 230

Th' apostles of this fierce religion.

Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon ;

To whom our Knight, by fast instinct

Of wit and temper, was so linkt,

As if hypocrisy and nonsense

Had got th' advowson of his conscience.

Thus was he gifted and accouter'd.
We mean on th' inside not the outward;
That next of all we shall discuss :
Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus : 240

232, Mahomet had a tame clove that used to pick seeds
out of his ear, that it miglit be thought to whisper and
inspire him. His ass was so intimate with him, that
the Mahometans believed it carried him to heaven, and
stays there with him to bring him baci? again.

235

18 HUDIBRAS.

His lawny beard was th' equal grace

Both of his wisdom and his face;

In cut and dye so hke a tile,

A sudden view it would beguile:

The upper part thereof was whey ; 245

The nether, orange mix'd with gray.

Tills hairy meteor did denounce

The fall of sceptres and of crowns ;

With grisly type did represent

Declining age of government; 250

AnJ tell with hieroglyphick spade,

Its own grave and the state's were made.

Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew

In time to make a nation rue ;

Tho' it contributed its own fall, 255

To wait upon the publick downfall ;

It was monastick, and did grow

In holy orders by strict vow ;

Of rule as sullen and severe

As that of rigid Cordelier. 260

'Twas bound to suffer persecution

And martyrdom with resolution ;

T' oppose itself against the hate

And vengeance of th' incensed state ;

In whose defiance it was worn, 265

Still ready to be pull'd and torn ;

With red-hot irons to be tortur'd ;

Revil'd, and spit upon, and martyr'd.

Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast,

As long as monarchy should last ; 270

But when the state should hap to reel,

'Twas to submit to fatal steel,

And fall, as it was consecrate,

A sacrifice to fall of state ;

Whose thread of life the fatal sisters 275

Did twist together with its whiskers.

And twine so close, that Time should never.

In life or death, their fortunes sever :

But with his rusty sickle mow

Both down together at a blow. 280

257. He made a vow never to cut his beard until the
Parliament had subdued the king . of which order of
tanatic votaries there were many in those times.

PART 1.— CANTO I. 17

So learn'd Taliacotius from

The brawny part of porters bum

Cut supplemental noses, which

Would last as long as parent breech ; 285

But when the date of nock was out,

Ofl'dropp'd the sympathetic snout.

His back, or rather burthen, shew'd
As if it stoop'd with its own load :
For as jEneas bore his sire
Upon his shoulders thro' the fire, 290

Our Knight did bear no less a pack
Of his own buttocks on his back ;
Which now had almost got the upper-
Hand of his head, for want of crupper.
To poise this equally, he bore 295

A paunch of the same bulk before ;
Which still he had a special care
To keep well cramm'd with thrifty fare ;
As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds,
Such as a country-house affords ; 300

With other vittle, which anon
We farther shall dilate upon,

281. Taliacotius was an Italian surgeon, that found
out a way to repair lost and decayed noses.

This Taliacotius was cliiet surgeon to the great duke
of Tuscany, and wrote a treatise, De Curtis Menibris,
which be dedicates to his great master; wherein he not
only declares the models of his wonderful operations in
restoring of lost members, biu gives you cuts of the very
instruments and ligatures he made use of therein ; from
hence our author (cum poetica licentia) has taken his
simile.

289. .(Eneas was the son of Anchises and Venus ; a
Trojan, who after long travels, came to Italy, and after
the death of his father-in-law, Latinus, was made king
of Latium, and reigned three years. His story is too
long to insert here, and therefore 1 refer you to Virgil's
.ffiueids. Troy being laid in ashes, he took his aged fa-
ther Anchises upon his back, and rescued him from his
enemies. But being too solicitous for his son and house-
hold gods, he lost his wife Creusa ; which Mr. Dryden,
in his excellent translation, thus expresseth :
Haste, my dear father (Mis no time to wait,)
And load my shoulders with a willing freight.
Whate'er befals, your life shall be my care ;
One death, or one deliv'rance, we will share.
My hand shall lead our little son ; and you,
My faithful consort, shall our steps pursue-

!8 HUDIBKAS.

When of his hose we come to treat,
The cupboard where he kept his meat.

His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305

And though not sword, yet cudgel proof;
Whereby 'twas fitter for his use.
Who fear'd no blows, but such as bruise.

His breeches were of rugged woollen,
And had been at the siege of Bullen ; 310

To old king Harry so well known.
Some writers held they were his own.
Thro' they were lin'd with many a piece
Of ammunition bread and cheese,
And fat black-puddings, proper food 315

For warriors that delight in blood.
For, as we said, he always chose
To carry vittle in his hose.
That often tempted rats and mice
The ammunition to surprise : 320

And when he put a hand but in
The one or t' other magazine,
They stoutly in defence on't stood.
And from the wounded foe drew blood ;
And till th' were storm'd and beaten out, 325
Ne'er left the fortify'd redoubt.
And tho' knights-errant, as some think.
Of old did neither eat nor drink.
Because, when thorough deserts vast,
And regions desolate, they past, 330

Where belly-timber above ground.
Or under, was not to be found.
Unless they graz'd, there's not one word
Of their provision on record ;
Which made some confidently write, ■ 335

They had no stomachs, but to fight.
'Tis false ; for Arthur wore in hall
Round table like a farthingal,
On which, with shirt puU'd out behind.
And eke before, his good knights din'd. 340

337. Who this .Arthur wns, and whether any ever
reigned in Britain, has been doubted heretofore, ar-d Is
by some to this very day However, the history of him,
which miikes him one of the nine worthies of the world,
is a subject sufficient for the poet to be pleasant upoa.

PART I.— CANTO I. 19

Though 'twas no table, some suppose,

But a huge pair of round trunk hose ;

In which he carryM as much meat

As he and all the knights could eat, 344

When, laying by their swords and truncheons,

They took their breakfasts, or their nuiicheons.

But let that pass at present, lest

We should forget where we digrest.

As learned authors use, to whom

We leave it, and to th' purpose come. 350

His puissant sword unto his side.
Near his undaunted heart, was ty'd ;
With basket-hilt, that would hold broth,
And serve for fight and dinner both.
In it he melted lead for bullets, 355

To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets,
To whom he bore so fell a grutch,
He ne'er gave quarter t' any such.
The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty.
For want of fighting, was grown rusty, 360
And ate into itself, for lack
Of somebody to hew and hack.
The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt
The rancour of its edge had felt;
For of the lower end two handful 365

It had devoured, 'twas so manful ;
And so much scorn"d to lurk in case,
As if it durst not shew its face.
In many desperate attempts,
Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 370

It had appear'd with courage bolder
Than Serjeant Bum invadmg shoulder.
Oft had it ta'en possession.
And prisoners too, or made them run.

This sword a dagger had t' his page, 375
That was but little for his age ;
And therefore waited on him so.
As dwarfs upon knights-errant do.

359. The capital city of New Castile, in Spain, with
an archbishopric and primacy. It was very famous,
amongst other things, for tempering the best metal for
iwords, as Damascus was, and perhaps may be still.

20 HUDIBRAS.

It was a serviceable dudgeon,

Either for fighting or for drudging. 380

When it had stabb'd, or broke a head,

It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread ;

Toast cheese or bacon ; tho' it were

To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care.

'Twould make clean shoes ; and in the earth 385

Set leeks and onions, and so forth.

It had been 'prentice to a brewer.

Where this and more it did endure ;

But left the trade, as many more.

Have lately done on the same score. 320

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow,

Two aged pistols he did stow.

Among the surplus of such meat

As in his hose he could not get.

These would inveigle rats with th' scent, 395

To forage when the cocks were bent :

And sometimes catch 'em with a snap

As cleverly as th' ablest trap.

They were upon hard duty still,

And ev'ry night stood sentinel, 400

To guard the magazine i' the hose

From two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes.

Thus clad and fortify'd. Sir Knight
From peaceful home set forth to fight.
But first with nimble, active force 405

He got on th' outside of his horse ;
For having but one stirrup ty'd
T' his saddle, on the farther side.
It was so short h' had much ado
To reach it with his desp'rate toe : 410

But after many strains and heaves.
He got up to the saddle-eaves.
From whence he vaulted into th' seat,
With so much vigour, strength, and heat,
That he had almost tumbled over 415

With his own weight, but did recover,
By laying hold on tail and mane,
Which oft he us'd instead of rein.

389. Oliver Cromwell and Colonel Pride bad boen
both biowtrs.

PART L— CANTO I. 21

But now we talk of mountain steed,
Before we farther do proceed, 420

It doth behove us to say something
Of that which bore our vaHant bumpkin.
The beast was sturdy, large, and tall,
With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall.
I would say eye ; for h' had but one, 425

As most agree ; tho' some say none.
He was well stay'd ; and in his gait
Preserved a grave majestic state.
At spur or switch no more he skept,
Or mended pace than Spaniard whipt; 430
And yet so fiery he would bound
As if he griev'd to touch the ground :
That Cnssar's horse, who as fame goes
Had corns upon his feet and toes,
Was not by half so tender hooft, 435

Nor trod upon the ground so soft.
And as that beast would kneel and stoop
(Some write) to take his rider up,
So Hudibras his ('tis well known)
Would often do to set him down. 440

We shall not need to say what lack
Of leather was upon his back ;
For that was hidden under pad,
And breech of Knight, gall'd full as bad.
His strutting ribs on both sides shew'd 44.'>
Like furroughs he himself had plow'd;
For underneath the skirt of pannel,
'Twixt ev ry two there was a channel.
His draggling tail hung in the dirt,
Which on his rider he would flirt, 450

Still as his tender side he prickM,
With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd, kick'd;
For Hudibras wore but one spur ;
As wisely knowing, could he stir
To active trot one side of 's horse, 455

The other would not hang an arse.

A squire he had, whose name was Ralph,
That in th' adventure went his half:

433. Julius Caesar had a horse with feet like a man's.
'Utebalnr equo insigni; peiilbas prope hiimanis, et in
modum digitorutn uiigiilis tissis. Suut, in Jul. cnp. 61.

22 HUDIBRAS.

Though writers, for more stately tune,

Do call him Ralpho ; 'tis all one ; 460

And when we can with metre safe,

tVe'll call him so ; if not, plain Ralph.

^For rhyme the rudder is of verses,

With which like ships they steer their courses.^

An equal stock of wit and valour 463

He had laid in ; by birth a tailor.

The mighty Tyrian queen that gain'd

With subtle shreds a tract of land,

i!)id leave it with a castle fair

To his great ancestor, her heir. 470

From him descended cross-legg'd knights,

Fam'd for their faith, and warlike fights

Against the bloody cannibal,

M'hom they destroyed both great and small.

This sturdy Squire he had, as well 475

As the bold Trojan knight, seen Hell ;

Not with a counterfeited pass

Of golden bough, but true gold-lace.

His knowledge was not far behind

The Knights, but of another kind, 480

And he another way came by't :

Some call it Gifts, and some New-Light ;

A liberal art that costs no pains

Of study, industry, or brains.

His wit was sent him for a token, 485

But in the carriage crack'd and broken.

Like commendation nine-pence crook'd,

With — To and from my love — It look'd.

He ne'er consider'd it, as loth

To look a gift-horse in the mouth ; 49U

And very wisely would lay forth

No more upon it than 'twas worth.

But as he got it freely, so

He spent it frank and freely too.

4G7. Diilo, queen of Carthage, who bought as much
laud as she could compass with an ox's hide, which she
cut into small thongs, and cheated the owner of so much
ground as served her to build Carthage upon.

476. iEneas, whom Virgil reports to use a golden
bough for a pass to hell ; and tailors call that place hell
where they put all the)' steal.

PART I.— CANTO I. 23

For saints themselves will sometimes be, 495

Of gifts that cost them nothing, free.

By means of this, with hem and cough,

Prolongers to enlighten'd stuff,

He could deep mysteries unriddle

As easily as thread a needle. 500

For as of vagabonds we say.

That they are ne'er beside the way ;

Whate'er men speak by this New Light,

Still they are sure to be i' th' right.

'Tis a dark-lantern of the spirit, 505

Which none see by but those that bear it :

A hght that falls down from on high,

For spiritual trades to cozen by :

An ignis fatuus, that bewitches

And leads men into pools and ditches, 510

To make them dip themselves, and sound

For Christendom in dirty pond ;

To dive like wild-fowl for salvation,

And fish to catch regeneration.

This light inspires and plays upon 515

The nose of saint like bag-pipe drone,

And speaks through hollow empty soul.

As through a trunk or whisp'riiig hole,

Such language as no mortal ear

But spiritual eaves-droppers can hear : 520

So Phcebus, or some friendly muse.

Into small poets' song infuse.

Which they at second-hand rehearse,

Thro' reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse.

Thus Ralph became infallible 525

As three or four-legg'd oracle.
The ancient cup, or modern chair ;
Spoke truth point-blank, tho' unaware.

For mystic learning, wondrous able
In magic Talisman and Cabal, 530

526. Read the great Geographical Dictionary under
tliat word.

530. Talisman is a device to dec-troy any sort of ver-
min, by casting their images in metal, in a prtcise mi-
nute, when the stars are perfectly inclined to do tliem
all the mischief they can This has been experienced
by some modern virtuosi upon rats, mice, and fleas, and
found (as they affirm) to produce the effect with admi-
rable success.
, Raymond Lully interprets cabal, out of the Arabic. W

84 HUDIBRAS.

Whose primitive tradition reaches
A.S far as Adam's first green breeches ;

eep sighted in intelligences,

deas, atoms, influences ;

And much of terra incognita, 535

Th' intelligible world, could say :
A deep occult Philosopher,
As learn"d as the wild Irish are.
Or Sir Agrippa ; for profound
And solid lying much renown'd. 540

He Anthroposophus and Floud,
And Jacob Behmen understood :
Knew many an amulet and charm,
That would do neither good nor harm :
in Rosy-crucian lore as learned, 545

As he that Vere adeptus earned.
He understood the speech of birds
As well as they themselves do words ;
Could teil what subtlest parrots mean.
That speak and think contrary clean : 550

signify Scientia superal)undans ; which his commenia-
tator, Cornelius Asrippa, by ovei masnifying, has ren-
dered a very superfluous foppery.

532. The author of Magia Ademica endeavours to
prove the learning of the ancient Magi to be derived from
that knowledge which God himself taught Adam in
Paradise before the fall.

535. The intelligible world is a kind of Terra del
Fuego, or Psittacorutn Regio, &;c. discovered only by
the philosophers, of which they talk like parrots, what
they do not understand.

538. No nation in the world is more addicted to this
occult philosophy than the wild Irish are, as appears by
the whole practice of their lives ; of which see Camden
in his description of Ireland.

539. They who would know more of Sir Cornelius
Aurippa, here meant, may consult the Great Diciionary.

541. Anthroposophus is only a compound Greek word,
which signifies a man that is wise in the knowledge of
men, as is used by some anonymous author to conceal
his true name

Dr. Floud was a sort of an English Rosy crucian,
whose works are e.^tant, and as intelligible as those of
Jacob Behmen.

545. The fraternitv of the Rosy-crucians is very like
the sect of the aticient Gnosiici, who called themselves
BO from the excellent learning they pretended to, al-
though they were the most ridiculous sots of mankind.

Vere adeptus is one that has commenced iu 'heir fa-
natic extravagance.

PART I.— CANTO I. 25

What member 'tis of whom tliey talli,
When they cry Ro])e, and Walk, knave, walk.
He'd extract numbers out of matter.
And keep them in a glass, like water ;
Of sovereign powV to make men wise ; 555
For dropp'd in blear thick-sighted eyes,
They'd make them sen in darkest night,
Like owls, tho' purblind in the light.
By help of these (as he profess'd)
He had First Matter seen imdress'd : 560

He took her naked all alone.
Before one rag of form was on.
The Chaos too he had descry'd.
And seen quite thro', or else he ly'd :
Not that of pasteboard which men shew 565
For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew ;
But its great grandsire, first o' th' name,
Whence that and Pioformation came ;
Both cousin-germans, and right able
T' inveigle and draw in the rabble. 570

But Reformation was, some say,
O' th' younger house to Puppet-play.
He could foretel whats'ever was
By consequence to come to pass ;
As death of great men, alterations, 575

Diseases, battles, inundations.
All this, without th' eclipse o' th' sun.
Or dreadful comet, he hath done.
By inward light ; a way as good,
And easy to be understood ; 580

But with more lucky hit than those
That use to make the stars depose.
Like knights o' th' post, and falsely charge
Upon themselves wliat others forge :
As if they were consenting to 585

All mischief in the world men do :
Or like the devil did tempt and sway 'em
To rogueries, and then betray 'em.
They'll search a planet's house to know
Who broke and robb'd a house below : 590
Examine Venus, and the Moon,
Who stole a thimble or a spoon ;
C

6 HUDIBRAS.

And tho' they nothing will confess.

Yet by their very looks can guess,

And toll what guilty aspect bodes, 595

"Who stole, and who receiy'd the goods.

They'll question Mars, and by his look,

Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloke ;

Make Mercury confess, and 'peach

Those thieves which he himself did teach. GOO

They'll find i' th' physiognomies

O' th' planets, all men's destinies ;

Like him that took the doctor's bill,

And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill :

Cast the nativity o' th' question, G05

And from positions to be guess'd on.

As sure as if they knew tlie moment

Of native's birth tell what will come on't.

They'll feel the pulses of the stars.

To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs ; 610

And tell whaf crisis does divine

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine :

In men, what gives or cures the itch ;

What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich ;

What gains or loses, hangs or saves ; G15

What makes men great, what fools or knaves,

But not what wise ; for only of those

The stars (they say) cannot dispose,

No more than can the astrologians ;

There they say right, and Uke true Trojans. 620

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took

The other course, of which we spoke.

Thus was th' accomplish'd Squire endu'd
With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd.
Never did trusty Squire with Knigjit, 625

Or Knight with Squire, e'er jump more right.
Their arms and equipage did fit.
As well as virtues, parts, and wit.
Their valours too were of a rate ;
And out they sally'd at the gate. 536

Few miles on horseback had they jogged,
But Fortune unto them turn'd dogged ;
For they a sad adventure met,
Of which anon we mean to treat :

PART I.— CANTO I. 27

But ere we venture to unfold t35

Achievements so rcsolv'd and bold,

We should, as learned poets use,

Invoke the assistance of some muse!

However, critics count it sillier

Tiian jugglers talking to familiar. 040

We think 'tis no great matter which ;

They're all alike ; yet we shall pitch

On one that fits our purpose most,

Whom therefore thus do we accost :

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645

Didst inspire Withers, Pryn, and Vickars,
And force them, tho' it was in spite
Of nature and their stars, to write ;
Who, as we find in sullen writs,
And cross-grain'd works of modern wits, 650
With vanity, opinion, want,
The wonder of the ignorant,
The praises of the author, penn'd
B' himself, or wit-ensuring friend ;
The itch of picture in the front, 655

With bays and wicked rhyme upon't ;
All that is left o' th' forked hill,
To make men scribble without skill ;
Canst make a poet spite of fate,
And teach all people to translate, 660

Tho' out of languages in which
They understand no part of speech ;
Assist me but this once, I 'mplore,
And I shall trouble thee no more.

In western clime there is a town, 665

To those that dwell therein well known;
Therefore there needs no more be said hero ;
We unto them refer our reader ;
For brevity is very good.

When w' are, or are not, understood. 670

To this town people did repair,
On days of market, or of fair,

f)45. This Vickars was a man of as (jreat interest and
authority in the late Retbrniaiion as Pryn or Withers,
and as able a poet. He translated Virgil's TEnelds itito
as liorrible travesty in earnest, as the French Scaroon
did in burlesque, and was only outdone in his way by
the politic author of Oceana

2e HUDEBRAS.

And to crack'd fiddle, and horse tabor,

In merriment did drudge and labour.

But now a sport more formidable 675

Had rak'd together village rabble ;

'Twas an old way of recreating,

Which learned butchers call bear-baitmg :

A bold adventVous exercise,

With ancient heroes in high prize : 680

For authors do affirm it came

From Isthmean or Nemean game :

Others derive it from the bear

That's fix'd in northern hemisphere,

And round about the pole does make 685

A circle like a bear at stake,

That at the chain's end wheels about,

And overturns the rabble-rout.

For after solemn proclamation,

In the bear's name (as is the fashion, 690

According to the law of arms,

To keep men from inglorious harms,)

That none presume to come so near

As forty foot of stake of bear,

If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695

T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy

If they come wounded off, and lame,

No honour's got by such a maim ;

Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound

In honour to make good his ground, 700

When he's engag'd, and takes no notice.

If any press upon him, who 'tis ;

But lets them know, at their own cost.

That he intends to keep his post.

This to prevent, and other harms, 705

Which always wait on feats of arms

(For in the hurry of a fray

'Tis hard to keep out of harms way,)

Thither the Knight his course did steer.

To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear ; 710

As he behev'd he was bound to do

In conscience, and commission too ;

PART I.— CANTO I. 29

And therefore thus bespoke the Squh-e :

We that are wisely mounted higher
Than constables in curule wit, 715

When on tribunal bench we sit,
Like speculators should foresee,
From Pharos of authority,
Portended mischiefs farther than
Low Proletarian tything-men : 720

And therefore being iuform'd by bruit.
That dog and bear are to dispute ;
For so of late men figliting name,
Because they often prove the same
(For where the first does hap to be, 725

The last does coincidere ;)
Quantum in nobis, have thought good.
To save th' expense of Christian blood,
And try if we by mediation
Of treaty and accommodation, 730

Can end the quarrel, and compose
The bloody duel without blows.
Are not our liberties, our lives.
The laws, religion, and our wives,
Enough at once to lie at stake 735

For Covenant and the Cause's sa.ke ?
But in that quarrel dogs and bears,
As well as we, must venture theirs ?
This feud, by Jesuits invented,
By evil counsel is fomented ; 740

Their is a Machiavelian plot
(Tho' every nare olfact it not,)
A deep design in't, to divide
The well-affected that confide,
By setting brother against brother, 745

To claw and curry one another.
Have we not enemies, plus satis,
That, cane et angue pejus", hate lis?

740. This speech is set down as it was delivered bj' llie
Knight, in his own words ; but since it is below the
gravity of heroical poetry to admit of humour, but all
men are obliged to speak wisely alike, and too much of
so extravagant a folly would become tedious aud im-
pertinent, the rest of his harangues have only his sense
expressed in other words, unless in some few places,
where his own words could not be so well avoided.

30 HUDIBRAS.

And shall we turn our fangs and claws

Upon our own selves, without cause? 750

That some occult design doth he

In bloody cynarctomachy,

Is plain enough to him that knows

How saints lead brothers by the nose.

I wish myself a pseudo- prophet, 755

But sure some mischief will come of it ;

Unless by providential wit,

Or force, we averruncate it.

For what design, what interest,

Can beast have to encounter beast ? 760

They fight for no espoused cause,

Frail privilege, fundamental laws,

Nor for a thorough reformation,

For covenant, nor protestation.

Nor liberty of consciences, 765

Nor Lords and Commons' ordinances ;

Nor for the church, nor for church-lands,

To get them in their own no-hands ;

Nor evil counsellors to bring

To justice that seduce the king ; 770

Nor for the worship of us men,

Though we have done as much for them.

Th' Egyptians worshipped dogs, and for

Their faith made internecine war.

Others ador'd a rat, and some 775

For that church suffer'd martyrdom.

The Indians fought for the truth

Of til' elephant and monkey's tooth,

75'i. Cynarctomachy signifies nothing in the world
hnt a figlit between dogs and beais ; thougli both the
learned and ignorant agree that in such words very great
knowledge is contained : and our Knight, as one, or both
of those, was of the same opinion.

"58. Another of the same kind, which, though it ap-
pear ever so learned and profound, means nothing else
but the weeding of corn.

778. The History of the White Elephant and the
Monkey's Tooth, which the Indians adored, is written
ny Mons. le Blanc. This moi-key's tooth was taken by
the Portuguese from those that worshipped it; and
though tliey offered a vast ransom for it, yet the Chris-
tians were persuaded by their priests rather to burn it.
But as soon as the fire was kindled, all the people present
were not able to endure the horrible stink that came from
It as> if the fire had boon made of the same ingredients

PART I.— CANTO I. 31

And many, to defend that faith,

Fought it out, mordicus, to death. 780

But no beast ever was so slight,

For man, as for his God, to fight.

They have more wit, alas ! and know

Themselves and us better than so.

But we, who only do infuse 785

The rage in them like Boute-feus ;

Tis our example that instils

In them th' infection of our ills.

For, as some late philosophers

Have well observ'd, beasts that converse 790

With man take after him, as hogs

Get pigs all Ih' year, and bitches dogs.

Just so, by our example cattle

Learn to give one another battle.

We read in Nero's time the heathen, 795

When they destroyed the Christian brethren,
Did sew them in the skins of bears.

And then set dogs about their ears :
From thence, no doubt, th' invention came
Of this lewd antichristian game. 800

To this, quoth Ralpho, Verily
The point seems very plain to me.
It is an antichristian game.
Unlawful both in thing and name.
First, for the name : the word bear-baiting 805
Is carnal, and of man's creating :
For certainly there's no such word
In all the Scripture on record ;
Therefore unlawful, and a sin :
And so is (secondly) the thing. 810

A vile assembly 'tis, that can
No more be prov'd by Scripture than
Provincial, classic, national ;
Mere human creature-cobwebs all.
Thirdly, it is idolatrous ; 815

For when men run a whoring thus

with which seamen use to compose that kindof grana-
dos which they call stinkards.

780. Boute-feus is a French word, and therefore it
were uncivil to suppose any English person (especially
of quality) ignorant of it, or so ill- bred as to need an ex-
position.

32 HUDIBRAS.

With their inventions, whatsoe'er

The thing be, whether dog or bear,

It is idolatrous and pagan,

No less than worshipping of Dagon. SSO-

Quoth Hudibras, I smell a rat :
Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate ;
For though the thesis v/hich thou lay'st
Be true ad amussim, as thou say'st
(For that bear-bating should appear 825

Jure divino lawfuller
Than synods are, thou dost deny,
Totidem verbis ; so do I ;)
Yet there's a fallacy in this ;
Forifby sly homoBosis, • 830

Tussis pro crepitu, an art
Under a cough to slur a f — t,
Thou wouldst sophistically imply
Both are unlawful, I deny.

And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doubt 835

But bear-baiting may be made out,
In gospel-times, as lawful as is
Provincial or parochial classis ;
And that both are so near of kin,
And like in all, as well as sin, 840

That put them in a bag and shake 'era,
Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'era,
And not know which is which, unless
You measure by their wickedness :
For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether 845

O' th' two is worst; tho' I name neither.

Quoth Hudibras, Thou ofFer'st much,
But art not able to keep touch,
Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage,
Id est to make a leek a cabbage ; 850

Thou wilt at best but suck a bull.
Or shear swine, all cry and no wool;
For what can synods have at all
"With bear that's analogical ?
Or what relation has debating 855

Of church-affairs with bear-baiting .'
A just comparison still is
Of things ejusdem generis ;

PART I.— CANTO I. 33

And then what genius rightly doth
Include and comprehend them both ? 8G0

If animal, both of us may
1 As justly pass for bears as they ;
For we are animals no less,
Altho' of different specieses.
But, Ralpho, this is no fit place 665

Nor time to argue out the*oase :
For now the field is not far off,
Where we must give the world a proof
Of deeds, not words, and such as suit
Another manner of dispute ; 870

A controversy that affords
Actions for arguments, not words ;
Which we must manage at a rate
Of prowess and conduct adequate
To what our place and fame doth promise, 875
And all the godly expect from us.
Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unless
We're slurr'd and outed by success ;
Success, the mark no mortal wit,
Or surest hand, can always hit : 880

For whatsoe'er we perpetrate.
Wo do but row, we're steer'd by Fate,
Which in success oft disinherits,
For spurious causes, noblest merits.
Great actions are not always true sons 885
Of great and mighty resolutions;
Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth
Events still equal to their worth ;
But sometimes fail, and in their stead
Fortune and cowardice succeed. 890

Yet we have no great cause to doubt;
Our actions still have borne us out ;
Which, tho' they're known to be so ample,
We need not copy from example.
We're not the only persons durst 895

Attempt this province, nor the first.
In northern clime a valrous knight
Did whilom kill his bear in fight.
And wound a fiddler ; we have both
Of these the objects of our wroth, 900

C 2

34 HUDIBRAS.

And equal fame and glory from
Th' attempt or victory to come.
'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke

In foreign land, yclep'd

To whom we have been oft compar'd 905

For person, parts, address, and beard ;

Both equally reputed stout,

And in the same cause both have fought ;

He oft in sucli attempts as these

Came off with glory and success; 910

Nor will we fail in th' execution,

For want of equal resolution.

Honour is like a widow, won

With brisk attempt and putting on ;

With ent'ring manfully, and urging ; 915

Not slow approaches, like a virgin.

'Tis said, as erst the Phrygian knight,
So ours with rusty steel did smite

903. Mamaluke is the name of the militia of the sul-
tans of Egypt. It signified a servant or soldier. They
were commonly captives taken from among the Christ-
ians, and instructed in military discipline, and did not
marry. Their power was great; for besides that the
sultans was chosen out of their body, tliey disposed of
i\e most important offices of the kingdom. They were
.drmidable about two hundred years ; till at last Selim,
sultan of the Turks, routed them, and killed their sultan
near Aleppo, 1516, and so put an end to the empire of
Mamalukes, which had lasted 267 years.

No question but the rhyme to Mamaluke was meant
Sir Samuel Luke, of whom in the preface.

913. Our English proverbs are not iihpertinent to this
purpose :

He that woos a maid must seldom come in her sight :
But he that woos a widow, must woo her day and night.
He that woos a maid, must feign, lie, and flatter;
But he that woos a widow, must down with his breeches
and at her.

Thia proverb being somewhat immodest, Rlr. Ray says
he would not have it inserted in his collection, but that
he met with it in a little book, entitled the duakers' Spi-
ritual Court proclaimed ; written by Nathaniel Smith,
Btudent in Physic ; wherein the author mentions it as
counsel given him by Hilkiah Bedford, an eminent Qua-
ker in London, who would have had him to have mar-
ried a rich widow, in whose house he lodged. In case
he could get her, this Nathaniel Smith had promised
Hilkiah a chamber gratis. The whole narrative is
worth the reading.

PART I.— CANTO II. 35

His Trojan horse, and just as much

He mended pace upon the touch ; 920

But from his empty stomach groan'd

Just as that hollow beast did sound,

And angry answer'd from behind,

With brandish'd tail and blast of wind.

So have I seen with armed heel, 925

A wight bestride a common-weal ;

While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd

The less the sullen jade had stirr'd.

CANTO II.

The catalog le and character
Ofth' enemies' best men of war;
Whom, in a bold harangue, the Knight
Defies, and challenges to fight.
H' encounters Tal^ol, routs the Bear,
An<l takes the Fiddler prisoner,
Conveys him to enchanted castle ;
There shuts him fast in wooden bastile.

There was an ancient sage philosopher,

That had read Alexander Ross over.

And swore the world, as he could prove.

Was made of fighting and of love:

Just so Romances are, for what else 5

Is in them all, but love and battles ?

O' th' first of these we've no great matter

To treat of, but a world o' th' latter ;

In which to do the injur'd right

We mean, in what concerns just fight. 10

Certes our authors are to blame.

For to make some well-sounding name

A pattern fit for modern knights

To copy out in frays and fights ;

Like those that a whole street do raze 15

To build a palace in the place.

They never care how many others

They kill, without regard of mothers,

Or wives, or children, so they can

Make up some fierce, dead-doing man, 20

Composed of many ingredient valours,

Just like the manhood of nine tailors.

36 HUDIBRAS.

So a wild Tartar, when he spies

A man that's handsome, vahant, wise,

If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit 25

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ;

As if just so much he enjoy'd

As in another is destroyed.

For wiien a giant's slain in fight,

And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft downright, 30

It is a lieavy case no doubt,

A man should have his brains beat out

Because he's tall, and has large bones ;

As men kill beavers for their stones.

But as for our part, we shall tell 35

The naked truth of what befel ;

And as an equal friend to both

The Knight and Bear, but more to troth.

With neither faction shall take part,

But give to each his due desert ; 40

And never coin a formal lie on't,

To make the Knight o'ercome the giant.

This b'ing profest, we've hopes enough,

And now go on wliere we left off.

They rode ; but authors having not 45

Determin'd whether pace or trot
(That is to say, whether tuUutation,
As they do term 't, or succussation,)
We leave it, and go on, as now
Suppose they did, no matter how ; 50

Yet some from subtle hints have got
Mysterious light, it was a trot :
But let that pass : they now begun
To spur their living engines on.
For as whipp'd tops, and bandy'd balls, 55

The learned hold, are animals ;
So horses they affirm to be
Mere engines made by geometry ;
And were invented first from engines,
As Indian Britons were from Penguins. 60

47 Tultutation and succussation are only Latin words
for ambling and trotting;, though I believe both were
natural amongst tlie old Romans ; since I never read
they made use of the trammel or any other art, to pace
their horses.

60. Tlie American Indians call a great bird they have

PART I.— CANTO II. 37

So let them be : and, as I was saying,
They their Uve en^nes ply'd, not staying
Until they reach'd the fatal champaign.
Which th' enemy did then encamp on ;

The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle G5

Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattle

And fierce auxiliary men.

That came to aid their brethren,

Who now began to take the field.

As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 70

For as our modern wits behold,

Mounted a pick-back on the old.

Much farther off, much farther he,

Rais'd on his aged beast could see ;

Yet not sufficient to descry 75

All postures of the enemy;

Wherefore he bids the Squire ride farther,

T' observe their numbers, and their order ;

That when their motions he had known,

He might know how to fit his own. 80

Meanwhile he stopp'd his willing steed,

To fit himself for martial deed.

Both kinds of metal he prepared,

Either to give blows or to ward :

Courage and steel, both of great force, 85

Prepared for better or for worse.

His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well,

Drawn out from life-preserving vittle.

These being prim'd, with force he labour'd

To free 's sword from retentive scabbard ; 90

And, after many a painful pluck,

From rusty durance he bail'd tuck.

Then siiook himself, to see that prowess

In scabbard of his arms sat loose :

And, rais'd upon his desp'rate foot, 95

On stirrup-side, he gaz'd about,

with a white head, a penguin; which signifies the same

thing in the British tongue : from whence (with other

words of tiie same kind) some authors have endeavour-

td to prove, that tiie Americans arc originally derived

frnra the Britons.
G5. Fharsalia is a city of Thessaly, famous for the

battle won by Julius Cffisar against Pompey the Great,

in the neighbouring plains, in the GOTlh year of Rome,

of which read Lucan's Pharsalia.

38 HUDIBRAS.

Portending blood, like blazing star,

The beacon of approaching war. ^

Ralpho rode on with no less speed

Than Hugo in the forest did ; 100

But far more in returning made ;

For now the foe he had survey'd,

Rang'd as to him they did appear.

With van, main battle, wings, and rear.

r th' head of all this warlike rabble 105

Crowdero march 'd, expert and able.

Instead of trumpet and of drum,

That makes the warrior's stomach come,

Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer

By thunder tum'd to vinegar, 110

(For if a trumpet sound, or drmn beat,

Who has not a month's mind to combat?)

A squeaking engine he apply'd

Unto his neck, on nortli-east side.

Just where the hangman does dispose, 115

To special friends, the knot of noose:

For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight

Dispatch a friend, let others wait.

His warped ear hung o'er the strings,

Which was but souse to chitterlings : 120

For guts, some write, ere they are sodden,

Are fit for music, or for pudden ;

From whence men borrow ev'ry kind

Of minstrelsy by string or wind.

His grisly beard was long and thick, 125

With which he strung his fiddle-stick ;

For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe

For what on his own chin did grow.

Chiron, the four-legg'd bard, had both

A beard and tail of his own growth ; 130

And yet by authors 'tis averr'd.

He made use only of his beard.

129. Chiron, a Centaur, son to Saturn and Phillyris,
living in the mountains, where, being much given to
hunting, he became very Itnowing in the virtues of
plants, and one of the most famous physicians of his
time. He imparted his skill to .lEsculapius, and was af-
terward Apollo's governor, until being wounded by Her
cules,and desiring to die, Jupiter placed him in heaven
where he forms the sign of Sagittarius or the Archer

PART L— CANTO 11. 39

In Staffordshire, where virtuous worth

Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth ;

Where bulls do choose the boldest king, 135

And ruler, o'er the men of string,

(As once in Persia, 'tis said,

Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd ;)

He bravely venturing at a crown.

By chance of war was beaten down, 140

And wounded sore. His leg then broke,

Had got a deputy of oak :

For when a shin in fight is cropp'd.

The knee with one of timber 's propp'd,

Esteem'd more honourable than the other, 145

And takes place, though the younger brother.

Next march'd brave Orsin famous for
Wise conduct, and success in war :
A skilful leader, stout, severe.
Now marshal to the champion bear. 150

With trunchion, tipp'd with iron head,
The warrior to the lists he led ;
With solemn march and stately pace,
But far more grave and solemn face ;
Grave as the Emperor of Pegu, 155

Or Spanish Potentate, Don Diego.
This leader was of knowledge great,
Either for charge or for retreat.
He knew when to fall on pell-mell ;
To fall back and retreat as well. 160

So lawyers, lest the bear defendant,
And plaintiff' dog, should make an end on't.
Do stave and tail with writs of error,
Reverse of judgment, and demurrer.
To let them breathe a while, and then 165
Cry whoop, and set them on agen.
As Romulus a wolf did rear.
So he was dry-nurs'd by a bear,
That fed him with the purchas'd prey
Of many a fierce and bloody fray ; 170

133. The whole history of ihis ancient ceremony you
may read at large in Dr. Plot's History of Staffordshire,
under the town Tutbury.

155. For the history of Pegu, read Mandelsa and Ole-
arius's Travels.

40 HUDIBRAS.

Bred up where discipline most rare is,

In military Garden Paris.

For soldiers heretofore did grow

In gardens just as weeds do now,

Until some splay-foot politicians 175

T' Apollo ofter'd up petitions

For licensing a new invention

They'd found out of an antique engine,

To root out all tlie weeds that grow

In public gardens at a blow, ISO

And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun,

My friends, that is not to be done.

Not done ! quoth statesmen ; yes, an't please ye,

"When it's once known, youll say 'tis easy.

Why then let 's know it, quoth Apollo : 185

We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow.

A drum ! (quoth Phoebus ;) troth, that's true ;

A pretty invention, quaint and new.

But though of voice and instrument

We are the undoubted president, 190

We such loud music don't profess ;

The devil's master of that office,

Where it must pass ; if 't be a drum.

He'll sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com.

To him apply yourselves, and he 195

Will soon dispatch you for his fee.

They did so ; but it prov'd so ill,

TJi' had better let 'em grow there still.

But to resume what we discoursing

Were on before, that is, stout Orsin : 200

That which so oft, by sundry writers.

Has been applied t' almost all fighters,

More justly may b' ascrib'd to this

Than any other warrior, (viz.)

None ever acted both parts bolder, 205

Both of a chieftain and a soldier.

He was of great descent, and high

For splendour and antiquity ;

And from celestial origine

Deriv'd himself in a right line : 210

172. Paris Garden, in Southwark, took its name
from the possessor.

PART I.— CANTO U. 41

Not as the ancient heroes did,

Who, that their base births might be bid

(Knowing they were of doubtful gender,

And that they came in at a windore,)

Made Jupiter himself, and others 215

O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers,

To get on them a race of champions

(Of which old Homer first made lampoons.)

Arctophylax, in northern sphere,

Was liis undoubted ancestor : 220

From him his great forefathers came,

And in all ages bore his name.

Learned he was in med'c'nal lore ;

For by his side a pouch he wore.

Replete with strange hermetic powder, 225

That wounds nine miles point-blank would sol-

By skilful chemist, with great cost, [der,

Extracted from a rotten post ;

But of a heav'nlier influence

Than that which mountebanks dispense : 230

Though by Promethean fire made.

As they do quack that drive that trade.

For as when slovens do amiss

At others' doors, by stool or piss.

The learned write, a red-hot spit 235

B'ing prudently apply'd to it,

231. Promethean fire. Prometheus was the son of
lapetus, and brother of Atlas, concerning whom the
poets have feigned, that having first formed men of the
earth and water, he stole fire from heaven to put life into
them ; and that having thereby displeased Jupiter, he
commanded Vulcan to tie him to Mount Caucasus with
iron chains, and that a vulture should prey upon his
liver continually : but the truth of the story is, that Pro-
metheus was an astrologer, and constant in observing
the stars upon that mountain ; and that, among other
things, he found the an of mailing fire, eitlier by the
means of a flint, or by contracting the sun-beams in a
glass. Bochart will have Magog, in the Scripture, to be
the Prometheus of the Pagans.

He here and before sarcastically derides those who
were great admirers of the sympathetic powder and
weapon salve, which were in great repute in those days,
and much promoted by the great Sir Kenelm Digby,
who wrote a treatise e.x professo on that subject, and, I
believe, thought what he wrote to be true, which since
has been almost exploded out of the world.

42 HUDIBRAS.

Will convey mischief from the dung

Unto the part that did the wrong,

So this did healing ; and as sure

As that did mischief, this could cure. 240

Thus virtuous Orsin was endu'd
With learning, conduct, fortitude,
Incomparable : and as the prince
Of poets, Homer, sung long since,
A skilful leech is better far 245

Than half an hundred men of war,
So he appeared ; and by his skill.
No less than dint of sword, could kill.

The gallant Bruin marcli'd next him,
With visage formidably grim, 250

And rugged as a Saracen,
Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin ;
Clad in a mantle della guerre
Of rough impenetrable fur ;
And in his nose, like Indian king, 255

He wore, for ornament, a ring ;
About his neck a threefold gorget.
As rough as trebled leathern target ;
Armed, as heralds, cant, and langued ;
Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. 260

For as the teeth in beasts of prey
Are swords, with which they fight in fray ;
So swords, in men of war, are teeth.
Which they do eat their vittle with.
He was by birth, some authors write, 265

A Russian ; some, a Muscovite ;
And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred.
Of whom we in diurnals read.
That serve to fill up pages here,
As with their bodies ditches there. 270

Scrimansky was his cousin-german.
With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin ;
And when these fail'd, he'd suck his claws,
And quarter himself upon his paws ;

2G7. Cossacks ave a fieoplH that live near Poland.
This name was given them for their extraordinary
nimbleness ; for cosa, or liosa, in the Polish tongue, sig-
nifies a goat. He that would know more of them, may
read Le Laboreur and Thuldenus.

PART I.— CANTO II. 43

And thoug-Ii his countrymen, the Huns, 275

Did stew their meat between their bums

And th' horses" backs o'er which they straddle,

And ev'ry man ate up his saddle ;

He was not half so nice as they,

But ate it raw when 't came in"s way. 260

He had trac'd countries far and near,

More than Le Blanc the traveller ;

Who writes, he spous'd in India,

Of noble house, a lady gay.

And got on her a race of worthies, 285

As stout as any upon earth is.

Full many a fight for him between

Talgol and Orsin oft had been ;

Each striving to deserve the crown

Of a savM citizen ; the one 290

To guard his bear ; the other fought

To aid his dog ; both made more stout

By sev'ral spurs of neighbourhood.

Church-fellow-membership, and blood ;

But Talgol, mortal foe to cows, 295

Never got ought of him but blows ;

Blows hard and heavy, such as he

Had lent, repaid with usury.

Yet Talgol was of courage stout.
And vanquished oft'ner than he fought : 300
Inur'd to labour sweat, and toil.
And like a champion shone with oil.
Right many a widow his keen blade,
And many fatherless had made.
He many a boar and huge dun-cow 305

Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow;
But Guy with him in fight compar'd,
Had like the boar or dun-cow far'd.

275. This custom of the Huns is described by Ammia-
nus Marcellinus, ' Iluniii semicruda cujusvis Ptccoris
carne vescusuur, quam inter femora sua et equorum
terea subsertam, calefacient brevi.' P. C86.

283. The story of Le Blanc, of a bear that married a
king's daughter, is no more strange than many others, in
most travellers, that pass with allowance ; lor if tliey
should write nothing but what is possible, or probable.
tney mifrht appear to have lost their labour, and observed
nothing but what Uiey might have done as well at home.

44 HUDIBRAS.

With greater trpops of sheep h' had fought

Than Ajax or bold Don Quixote : 310

And many a serpent of fell kind,

With wings before and stings behind,

Subdu'd, as poets say, long agone,

Bold Sir George, St. George, did the dragon.

Nor engine, nor device polemic, 315

Disease, nor doctor epidemic,

Tho' stor'd with deletery med'cines

(Which whosoever took is dead since,)

E'er sent so vast a colony

To both the under worlds as he : 320

For he was of that noble trade

That demi-gods and heroes made.

Slaughter and knocking on the head,

The trade to which they all were bred ;

And is, like others, glorious when 325

'Tis great and large, but base if mean :

The former rides in triumph for it,

The latter in a two-wheelM chariot,

For daring to profane a thing

So sacred with vile bungling. 330

Next these the brave Magnano came ;
Magnano, great in martial fame.
Yet when with Orsin he wag'd fight,
'Tis sung, he got but little by 't.
Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335

Whose spoils upon his back he wore,
As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield,
Which o'er his brazen arms he held :
But brass was feeble to resist
The fury of his armed fist ; 340

Nor could the hard'st ir'n hold out
Against his blows, but they would through't.

In migic he was deeply read
As he that made the brazen head
Profoundly skill'd in the black art, 345

As English Merlin for his heart ;
But far more skilful in the spheres
Than he was at the sieve and shears,

343. Roger Bacon and Merlin. See Collier's Dic-
tionary

PART L~CANTO II. 45

He could transform himself in colour

As like the devil as a collier ; 350

As like as hypocrites in show

Are to true saints, or crow to crow.

Of warlike engines he was author,

Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter :

The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, 355

He was th' inventor of, and maker :

The trumpet, and the kettle-drum,

Did both from his invention come.

He was the first that e'er did teach

To make, and how to stop, a breach. 360

A lance he bore with iron pike ;

Th' one half would thrust, the other strike;

And when their forces he had join'd,

He scorn'd to turn his parts beJiind.

He Trulla lov'd ; Trulla, more bright 365
Than bumish'd armour of her knight:
A bold virago, stout and tall
As Joan of France, or English Mall,
Thro' perils both of wind and limb.
Thro' thick and thin, she foUow'd him, 370
In ev'ry adventure h' undertook,
And never him or it forsook :
At breach of wall, or hedge surprise,
She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize :
At beating quarters up, or forage, 375

Behav'd herself with matchless courage ;
And laid about in fight more busily
Than th' Amazonian dame Penthesile.

And though some critics here cry shame,
And say our authors are to blame, 380

That (spite of all philosophers,
Who hold no females stout but bears,
And heretofore did so abhor
That women should pretend to war,

368. Two notorious women ; the last was known
here by the name of Mall Cutpurse.

378. Penthesile, queen of Ihe Amazons, succeeded
Orythia. She carried succours to the Trojans, and af-
ter having given noble proofs of her bravery, was killed
by Achilles. Pliny saith, it was she that invented the
tiattle-axe. If any one desire to know more of the
Amazons, let him read Mr. Sanson.

46 HUDIBRAS.

They would not suffer the stout'st dame 385

To swear by Hercules's name)

Make feeble ladies in their works,

To fight like termagants and Turks ;

To lay their native arms aside;

Their modesty, and ride astride ; 390

To run a-tilt at men, and wield

Their naked tools in open field ;

As stout Armida, bold Thalestris,

And she that would have been the mistress

Of Gondibert ; but he had grace, 395

And rather took a country lass ;

They say, 'tis false, without all sense,

But of pernicious consequence

To government which they suppose

Can never be uphold in prose ; 400

Strip Nature naked to the skin.

You'll find about her no such thing.

It may be so ; yet what we tell

Of Trulla that's improbable,

383. The old Romans li ad partioulav oaths for men
and women to swear by ; and tliere'fore Macrobius says,
' V^iri per Oastorem non jtirabant antiquitus, nee Mulie-
res per Herculeni ; Audepo] autem juraraentura erat tuni
niulieribus quam viris commune,' &c.

393. Two formidable women at arms, in romances,
that were cudgelled into love by their gallants.

395. Gondibert is a feigned name, made use of by Sir
William d'Avenaniin liis famous epic poem, so caHed ;
wherein you may find also that of his mistress. This
poem was designed bytheautlior to be an imitation of the
J'nglish drama : it being divided into five books, as the
other is into five acts ; the cantos to be parallel of the
scenes, with this diflerence, that this is delivered narra-
tively, the other dialoguevvise. It was ushered into the
world by a large preface written by Mr. Hobbes, and by
the pens of two of our best poets, viz. Mr W aller and Mr.
Cowley,which one would have thought might have prov-
ed a sutiicient defence and protection against snarling
critics. Notwithstanding which, four eminent wits of
that age (two of whicli were Sir John Denhani and Mr.
Donne) published several copies of verses to Sir Wil
liam's discredit, under this title. Certain Verses written
by several of theAuthor'sFriends,to be reprintedvviththe
tecond edition of Gondibert in 8vo. Lond. 1653 These
verses were as wittily answered by the autlior,under this
litle, Tlie incomparable poem of Gondibert vindicated
Irom the Wit Combat of four Esquires, Clinias, Damoe-
tas, Sancho, and Jack-Pudding ; printed in 8vo. Lond.
1655. Vide LanPbain's Account of Dramatic Poeta.

PART I.— CANTO II. 47

Phall be dispos'd by tliose who've seen't 405
«.)r, what's as good, produc'd in print .
And if they will not take our word,
We'll prove it true upon record.

The upright Cerdon next advanc't,
Of all liis race the valiant'st : 410

Cerdon the Great, renown'd in song,
Jjike Herc'los, for repair of wrong :
He rais'd the low and fortify 'd
The weak against the strongest side :
111 has he read, that never hit 415

On him in Muses' deathless writ.
He had a weapon keen and fierce.
That through a bull-hide shield would pierce,
And cut it in a thousand pieces,
Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece, his
With whom his black-thumb'd ancestor 421
Was comrade in the ten years' war :
For when the restless Greeks sat down
So many years before Troy town.
And were renown'd, as Homer writes, 42?

For well sol'd boots no less than fights,

They ow'd that glory only to

His ancestor that made them so.

Fast friend he was to Reformation,

Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion. 430

Next rectifier of wry law.

And would make three to cure one flaw.

Learned he was, and could take note,

Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote.

But preaching was his chiefest talent, 435

Or argument, in which b'ing valiant,

He us'd to lay about and stickle.

Like ram or bull, at conventicle :

For disputants, like rams and bulls,

Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. 440
Last Colon came, bold man of war,

Destin'd to blows by fatal star ;

Right expert in command of horse.

But cruel, and without remorse.

That which of Centaur long ago 445

Was said, and has been wre.sted to

48 HUDIBRAS.

Some other knights, was true of this ;

He and his horse were of a piece.

One spirit did inform them both ;

The self-same vigour, fury, wroth ; 450

Yet he was much the rougher part,

And always had a harder heart :

Although his horse had been of those

That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes.

Strange food for horse ! and yet, alas ! 455

It may be true, for flesh is grass.

Sturdy he was, and no less able

Than Hercules to clean a stable ;

As great a drover, and as great

A critic too, in hog or neat. 460

He ripp'd the womb up of his mother.

Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother

And provender wherewith to feed

Himself, and his less cruel steed.

It was a question, whether he 465

Or 's horse were of a family

More worshipful : 'till antiquaries

(After th' had almost por'd out their eyes)

Did very learnedly decide

The business on tlie horse's side ; 470

And prov'd not only horse, but cows,

Nay, pigs, were of the elder house :

For beasts, when man was but a piece

Of earth himself, did th' earth possess.

These worthies were the chief that led 475
The combatants, each in the head
Of his command, with arms and rage,
Ready and longing to engage.
The numerous rabble was drawn out
Of sev'ral counties round about, 480

From villages remote, and shires.
Of east and western hemispheres :
From foreign parishes and regions.
Of diflferent manners, speech, religions,
Came men and mastiffs ; some to fight 4S5
For fame and honour, some for sight.
And now the field of death, the lists,
Were enter'd by antagonists,

PART I.— CANTO II. 49

And blood was ready to be broach'd,
When Hudibras in haste approach''d, 490

With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em ;
But first thus from his horse bespake 'em :

What rage, O citizens ! what fury
Doth you to these dire actions hurry ?
What oestrum, what phrenetic mood, 495

Makes you thus lavish of your blood,
While the proud Vies your trophies boast,

And unreveng'd walks ghost?

What towns, what garrisons might you

With hazard of this blood subdue, 500

Which now y' are bent to throw away

In vain, untriumphable fray !

Shall saints in civil bloodshed wallow

Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow ?

The Cause for which we fought and swore 505

So boldly, shall we now give o'er?

Then, because quarrels still are seen

With oaths and swearings to begin,

The solemn League and Covenant

Will seem a mere God-dam-me rant ; 510

And we, tliat took it, and have fought,

As lewd as drunkards that fall out.

For as we make war for the king

Against himself, the self-same thing,

Some will not stick to swear, we do 515

For God and for religion too :

For if bear-baiting we allow.

What good can Reformation do ?

The blood and treasure that's laid out

Is thrown away, and goes for nought. 520

Are these the fruits o' th' Protestation,

The prototype of Reformation,

Which all the saints, and some, since martyrs.

Wore in their hats like wedding garters,

495. CEstrum is not only n Greek word for madnetiS
but signifies also a gad-bee or horse-fly, that torments
cattle in the summer, and makes them run about as if
they were mad.

524. Some few days nfter the king had accused the
five members of treason in the House of Commons,
great crowds of the rabble came down to Westminster-
hall with printed copies of the Protestation tied in their
bats like favours. D

50 HUDIBRAS.

When 'twas resolv'd by either House 52*

Six Members quarrel to espouse ?

Did they for this draw down the rabble,

With zeal and noises formidable,

And make all cries about the town

Join throats to cry the bishops down ? 530

Who having round begirt the palace

(As once a month they do the gallows,)

As members gave the sign about,

Set up their throats with hideous shout.

When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle 535

Church discipline, for patching kettle :

No sow-gelder did blow his horn

To geld a cat, but cry'd Reform.

The oyster-women lock'd their fish up,

And trudg'd away, to cry. No bishop. 540

The mousetrap-men laid save-alls by,

And 'gainst ev'l counsellors did cry.

Bothers left old clothes in the lurch,

And fell to turn and patch the church.

Some cry'd the Covenant instead 545

Of pudden-pies and ginger-bread ;

And some for brooms, old boots and shoes,

Bawl'd out to purge the Commons' House.

Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry,

A gospel-preaching ministry ; 550

And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak.

No surplices nor Service-book.

A strange harmonious inclination

Gf all degrees to Reformation.

And is this all? Is this the end 555

To which these carryings on did tend.'

Hath public faith, like a young heir.

For this ta'en up all sorts of ware,

525. The six members were the Lord Kimboltoiij Mr.
Pym, Mr. Hollis, Mr. Hampden, Sir Arthur Haslerig,
and Mr. Stroud, whom the king ordered to be appre-
hended, and their papers seized ; charging them of plot-
ting with the Scots, and favouring the late tumults ; but
the House voted against the arrest of their persons or
papers ; whereupon the king having preferred articles
against those members, lie went with his guard to the-
House to demand tliem.: hut they, having notice, with.

PART I.— CANTO II. 51

And run int' every tradesman's book,

Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke ? 560

Did saints for this bring in their plate.

And crowd as if they came too late?

For when tliey thought the Cause had need on't,

Happy was he that could be rid on't.

Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flagons, 565

Int' officers of horse and dragoons;

And into pikes and musqueteers

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers?

A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon,

Did start up living men as soon 570

As in the furnace they were thrown.

Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown.

Then was the Cause of gold and plate,

The brethren's ofF'rings, consecrate.

Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before it 575

The saints fell prostrate to adore it :

So say the wicked — and will you

Make that sarcasmus scandal true,

By running after dogs and bears.

Beasts more unclean than calves or steers ? 580'

Have pow'rful preachers ply'd their tongues.

And laid themselves out and their lungs ;

Us'd all means, both direct and sinister,

r th' power of gospel-preaching minister?

Have they invented tones to win 585

The women, and make them draw in

The men, as Indians with a female

Tame elephant inveigle the male ?

Have they told Prov'dence what it must do.

Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to ? 590

Discover'd th' enemy's design.

And which way best to countermine ?

Prescrib'd what ways it hath to work,

Or it will ne'er advance the kirk ?

Told it the news o' th' last express, 595

And after good or bad success

Made prayers, not so like petitions

As overtures and propositions

578. Abusive or insulting had been better, but ouf
Knight believed the learned lan^'uages more convenient
to understand in than his own inother-tonguo.

52 HUDIBRAS.

(Such as the army did present

To their creator, th' Parliament,) 600

In which they freely will confess

They will not, cannot, acquiesce,

Unless the work be carry'd on

In the same way they have begun,

By settinfr church and common-weal 605

All on a flame, bright as their zeal,

On which the saints were all agog,

And all this for a bear and dog ?

The Parliament drew up petitions

To 'tself, and sent them, like commissions, 610

To well-afFected persons down.

In ev'ry city and great town.

With pow'r to levy horse and men.

Only to bring them back agen ;

For this did many, many a mile, 615

Ride manfully in rank and file.

With papers in their hats, that shew'd

As if they to the pillory rode.

Have all these courses, these efforts.

Been try'd by people of all sorts, 620

Velis et remis, omnibus nervis.

And all t' advance the Cause's service?

And shall all now be thrown away

In petulant intestine fray ?

Shall we that in the Covenant swore, 625

Each man of us to run before

AnoUier, still in Reformation,

Give dogs and bears a dispensation ?

How will dissenting brethren relish it?

What will malignants say ? videlicet, 630

That each man swore to do his best,

To damn and perjure all the rest !

And bid the devil take the hin'most,

Which at this race is like to win most.

They '11 say our business, to reform 635

The church and state, is but a worm ;

For to subscribe, unsight, unseen,

To an unknown church-discipline.

What is it else, but before-hand

T' engage, and after understand ? 640

PART I.— CANTO II. 53

For when we swore to carry on

The present Reformation,

According to the purest mode

Of churches best reform'd abroad,

What did we else but make a vow 645

To do we know not what, nor how ?

For no three of us will agree

Where or what churches these should be ;

And is indeed the self-same case

With theirs that swore et ceetoras : 650

Or the French league, in which men vow'd

To fight to the last drop of blood.

These slanders will be thrown upon

The cause and work we carry on.

If we permit men to run headlong 655

T' exorbitances fit for bedlam.

Rather than gospel-walking times,

When slightest sins are greatest crimes.

But we the matter so shall handle,

As to remove that odious scandal, 660

In name of King and Parliament,

I charge ye all no more foment

This feud, but keep the peace between

Your brethren and your countrymen ;

And to those places straight repair 665

Where your respective dwellings are.

But to that purpose first surrender

The Fiddler, as the prime offender,

The incendiary vile, that is chief

Author and engineer of mischief; 670

649. The Convocation, in one of the short Parlia-
ments, that ushered in the long one (as dwarfs are wont
to do knights-errant,) made an oath to be taken by the
clergy for observing canonical obedience ; in which they
enjoined their brethren, out of the abundance of their
consciences, to swear articles with, &c.

G51. The holy league in France, designed and made for
the extirpation of the Protestant religion, was the origi-
nal, out of which the solemn league and covenant here
was(with thediffereiice onlyof circumstaiices)mo3tfaith-
fully transcribed. Nor did the success of both differ more
than the intent and purpose ; for after the destruction of
vast numbers of people of all sorts, both ended with the
murder of twokings, whom theyhad both sworn todefend:
and as our covenanters swore every man to run one be-
fore another,! n the way of reformation, so did theFrench
in the holy league, to tight to the last drop of blood.

54 HUDIBRAS.

That makes division between friends,
For profane and malignant ends.
He, and that engine of vile noise.
On which illegally he plays.
Shall (dictum factum) both be brought 675
To condign punishment, as they ought.
This must be done ; and I would fain see
Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay :
For then Fll take another course,
And soon reduce you all by force. 680

This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword,
To shew he meant to keep his word.
But Talgol, who had long supprest
Inflamed wrath in glowing breast.
Which now began to rage and bum as 685
Implacably as flame in furnace.
Thus answer'd him : — Thou vermin wretched
As e'er in measled pork was hatched ;
Thou tail of worship, that dost grow
On rump of justice as of cow; 690

How dar'st thou, with that sullen luggage
O' th'self, old ir'n, and other baggage.
With which thy steed of bones and leather
Has broke his wind in halting h^her ;
How durst th\ I say, adventure thus 695

T' oppose thy lumber against us ?
Could thine impertinence find out
No work t' employ itself about.
Where thou, secure from wooden blow,
Thy busy vanity might'st shew .'' 700

Was no dispute a-foot between
The caterwauling brethren .''
No subtle question rais'd among
Those out-o'-their wits, and those i' th' wrong?
No prize between those combatants 705

O' th' times, the land and water saints ;
Where thou might'st strickle without hazard
Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard;
And not for want of business come
To us to be so troublesome, 710

To interrupt our better sort
Of disputants, and spoil our sport ?

PART I.— CANTO II. 55

Was there no felony, no bawd,

Cut-purse, no burglary abroad ?

No stolen pig, nor plunder'd goose, 715

To tie thee up from breaking loose ?

No ale unlicensed, broken hedge.

For which thou statute might'st allege,

To keep thee busy from foul evil,

And shame due to thee from the devil ? 720

Did no committee sit, where he

Might cut out journey-work for thee?

And set th' a task with subornation,

To stitch up sale and sequestration ;

To cheat, with holiness and zeal, 725

All parties, and the common weal ?

Much better had it been for thee,

H' had kept thee where th' art us'd to be ;

Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither,

So he had never brought thee hither. 730

But if th' hast brain enough in skull
To keep itself in lodging whole,
And not provoke the rage of stones
And cudgels to thy hide and bones,
Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, 735
Which ril not promise if thou stay'st.
At this the Knight grew high in wroth,
And lifting hands and eyes up both.
Three times he smote on stomach stout,
From v;hence at length these words broke out :
Was I for this entitled Sir, 740

And girt with trusty sword and spur,
For fame and honour to wage battle,
Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle ?
Not all that pride that makes thee swell 745
As big thou dost blown-up veal;
Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat,
And sell thy carrion for good meal ;
Not all thy magic to repair
Decay'd old age in tough lean ware ; 750

Make nat'ral death appear thy work.
And stop the gangrene in stale pork ;
Not all that force that makes thee proud,
jBecause by bullock ne'er withstood;

56 HUDIBRAS.

Tliough arm'd with all thy cleavers, knives, 755

And axes made to hew down lives,

Shall save or help thee to evade

The hand of Justice, or his blade,

Which I, her sword-bearer do carry,

For civil deed and military. 760

Nor shall those words of venom base,

Which thou hast from their native place,

Thy stomach pump'd to fling on me.

Go unreveng'd, though I am free :

Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em,

Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. 765

Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight

With gantlet blue, and bases white.

And round blunt truncheon by his side,

So great a man at arms defy'd 770

With words far bitter than wormwood.

That would in Job or Grizel stir mood.

Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal ;

But men with hands as thou shalt feel.

This said, with hasty rage he snatch'd 775
His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd ;
And bending cock, he levelled full
Against th' outside of Talgol's skull :
Vowing that he should ne'er stir further,
Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther. 780
But Pallas came in shape of rust.
And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust
Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock
Stand stiff, as 'twere transform'd to stock.
Meanwhile fierce Talgol, gath'ring might, 785
With rugged trunch;;on chargM the Knight ;
But he with petronel upheav'd.
Instead of shield, tlie blow receiv'd.
The gun recoird, as well it might,
Not us'd to such a kind of fight, 790

And shrunk from its great master's gripe,
Knock'd down and stunn'd by mortal stripe.
Then Hudibras, with furious haste.
Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast,
But Talgol first, with hardy thwack, 795

Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back.

PART I.— CANTO II. 57

But when bis nut-brown sword was out.

With stomach huge he laid about,

Imprinting many a wound upon

His mortal foe, the truncheon. 800

The trusty cudgel did oppose

Itself against dead-doing blows,

To guard its leader from fell bane,

And then reveng'd itself again.

And though the sword (some understood) 805

In force had much the odds of wood,

'Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc'd

So equal, none knew which was valiant'st :

For wood with honour b'ing engag'd,

Is so implacably enrag'd, 810

Though iron hew and mangle sore.

Wood wounds and bruises honour more.

And now both knights were out of breath,

Tir'd in the hot pursuit of death ;

While all the rest amaz'd stood still, 815

Expecting which should take or kill.

This Hudibras observed ; and fretting

Conquest should be so long a getting.

He drew up all his force into

One body, and that into one blow. 820

But Talgol wisely avoided it

By cunning sleight ; for had it hit.

The upper part of him the blov/

Had slit as sure as that below.

Meanwhile th' incomparable Colon, 825

To aid his friend, began to fall on.
Him Ralph encountered, and straight grew
A dismal combat 'twixt them two :
Th' one arm'd with metal, th' other with wood ;
This fit for bruise, and that for blood. 830

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang.
Hard crab-tree and old iron rang;
While none that saw them could divine
To which side conquest would incline,
Until Magnano, who did envy 835

That two should with so many men vie,
By subtle stratagem of brain,
Perform'd what force could ne'er attain ;
D2

58 HUDIBRAS.

For he, by foul hap, having found

Where thistles grew on barren ground, 840

In haste he drew his weapon out,

And having cropp'd them from the root,

He clapp'd them underneath the tail

Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail.

The angry beast did straight resent 845

The wrong done to his fundament ;

Began to kick, and fling, and wince.

As if h' had been beside his sense,

Striving to disengage from thistle,

That gall'd him sorely under his tail : 850

Instead of which, he threw the pack

Of Squire and baggage from his back;

And blund'ring still with smarting rump.

He gave the Knight's steed such a thump

As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, 855

And sat on further side aslope.

This Talgol viewing, who had now

By sleight escaped the fatal blov/,

He rally'd, and again fell to't ;

For catching foe by nearer foot, 860

He lifted with such might and strength,

As would have hurfd him thrice his length,

And dash'd his brains (if any) out :

But Mars, that still protects" the stout,

In pudding-time came to his aid, 865

And under him the bear convey'd ;

The bear, upon whose soft fur-gown

The Knight with all his weight fell down.

The friendly rug preserv'd the ground.

And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound :

Like feather-bed betwi.xt a wall 870

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball.

As Sancho on a blanket fell.

And had no hurt, ours far'd as well

In body ; though his mighty spirit, 875

B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it.

The bear was in a greater fright.

Beat down and worsted by the Knight.

He roar'd, and rag'd, and flung about,

To shake off bondage from his snout. 880

PART I.— CANTO II. 59

His wrath inflam'd boil'd o'er, and from

His jaws of death he threw the foam :

Fury in stranger postures threw him,

And more than herald ever drew him.

He tore the earth which he had sav'd 885

From squelch of Knight, and storm'd and rav'd,

And vex'd the more because the harms

He felt were 'gainst the law of arms :

For men he always took to be

His friends, and dogs the enemy ; 890

Who never so muchTiurt had done him,

As his own side did fallhig on him.

It griev'd him to the guts that they

For whom h' had fought so many a fray,

And serv'd with loss of blood so long, ' 895

Should offer such inhuman wrong ;

Wrong of unsoldier-like condition :

For which he flung down his commission ;

And laid about him, till his nose

From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. 900

Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd,

Througli thickest of his foes he charg'd.

And made way through th' amazed crew ;

Some he o'erran, and some o'erthrew,

But took none ; for by hasty flight 905

He strove t' escape pursuit of Knight;

From whom he fled with as much haste

And dread as he the rabble chas'd.

In haste he fled, and so did they ;

Each and his fear a several way. 910

Crowdero only kept the field ;
Not stirring from the place he held.
Though beaten down and wounded sore,
I' th' fiddle, and a leg that bore
One side of him ; not that of bone, 915

But much its better, th' wooden one.
He spying Hudibras lie strow'd
Upon the ground, like log of wood.
With fright of fall, supposed wound,
And loss of urine, in a swound, 920

In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb,
Thai hurt i' th' ankle lay by him,

60 HUDIBRAS.

And fitting it for sudden fight.

Straight drew it up t' attack the Knight ;

For getting up on stump and huckle, 925

He with the foe began to buckle ;

Vowing to be revengM for breach

Of crowd and skin upon the wretch,

Sole author of all detriment

He and his fiddle underwent. 930

But Ralpho (who had now begun
T' adventure resurrection
From heavy squelch, and^had got up
Upon his legs, with sprained crup)
Looking about, beheld pernicion 935

A pproaching Knight from fell musician.
He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fled
When he was falling off his steed
(As rats do from a falling house.)
To hide itself from rage of blows ; 940

And, wing'd with speed and fury, flew
To rescue Knight from black and blue ;
Which ere he could achieve, his sconce
The leg encounter'd twice and once ;
And now 'twas rais'd to smite agen, 945

When Ralpho thrust himself between.
He took the blow upon his arm.
To shield the Knight from further harm ;
And, joining wrath with force, beatow'd
On th' wooden member such a load, 950

That down it fell, and with it bore
Crowdero, whom it propp'd before.
To him the Squire right nimbly run,
And setting conquering foot upon
His trunk, thus spoke : What desp'rate frenzy
Made thee (thou whelp of sin !) to fancy 956
Thyself, and all that coward rabble,
T' encounter us in battle able ?
How durst th', I say, oppose thy curship
'Gainst arms, authority and worship .' 960

And Hudibras or me provoke.
Though all thy hmbs were heart of oak,
And th' other half of thee as good
To bear out blows, as that of wood ?

PART I.— CANTO II. 61

Could not the whipping-post prevail, 965

With all its rhetVic, nor the jail,

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin,

And ankle free from iron gin ?

Wiiich now thou shall — But first our care

Must see how Hudibras doth fare. 970

This said, he gently rais'd the Knight,

And set him on his bum upright.

To rouse him from lethargic dump.

He tweak'd his nose ; with gentle thump

Knocked on his breast, as if t had been 975

To raise the spirits lodg'd within.

They, waken'd with the noise, did fly

From inward room to window eye ;

And gently opening lid, the casement,

Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. 980

This gladded Ralpho much to see,

Wlio thus bespoke the Knight : quoth he,

Tweaking his nose. You are, great Sir,

A self-denying conqueror ;

As high, victorious, and great, 985

As e'er fought for the churches yet.

If you will give yourself but leave

To make out what y' already have ;

That's victory. The foe, for dread

Of your nine-worthiness, is fled ; 990

All, save Crowdero, for whose sake

You did th' espous'd cause undertake ;

And he lies pris'ner at your feet.

To be dispos'd as you think meet ;

Either for life, or death, or sale, 995

The gallows, or perpetual jail ;

For one wink of your pow'rful eye

Must sentence him to live or die.

His fiddle is your proper purchase.

Won in the service of the churches : 1000

And by your doom must be allow'd

To be, or be no more, a crowd.

For though success did not confer

Just title on the conqueror ;

Though dispensations were not strong 1005

Conclusions whether right or wrong ;

62 HUDIBRAS.

Although out-going did confirm,

And owning were but a mere term ;

Yet as the wicked have no right

To th' creature, though usurp 'd by might, 1010

The property is in the saint,

From whom th' injuriously detain 't;

Of him they hold their luxuries.

Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice.

Their riots, revels, masks, delights, 1015

Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ;

All which the saints have title to,

And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due.

What we take from them is no more

Than what was ours by right before ; 1020

For we are their true landlords still,

And they our tenants but at will.

At this the Knight began to rouse,

And by degrees grow valo"-ous.

He star'd about, and seeii.g none 1025

Of all his foes remain but one.

He snatch'd his weapon, tliat lay near him,

And from the ground began to rear him ;

Vowing to make Crowdero pay

For all the rest that ran away. 1030

But Ralpho now, in colder blood, ,

His fury mildly thus withstood :

Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty sph-it

Is rais'd too high : this slave does merit

To be the hangman's business, sooner 1035

Than from your hand to have the honour

Of his destruction. I, that am

A nothingness in deed and name.

Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcass,

Or iU intreat his fiddle or case : 1040

Will you, great Sir, that glory blot

In cold blood, which you gain'd in hot?

Will you employ your conq'ring sword

To break a fiddle and your word?

For though 1 fought, and overcame, 1045

And quarter gave, 'twas in your name.

For great commanders only own

What's prosperous by the soldier done.

PART I.— CANTO II. o3

To save, where you have pow'r to kill,

Argues your pow'r above your will ; 1050

And that your will and pow'r have less

Than both might have of selfishness.

This pow'r which, now alive, with dread

He trembles at, if he were dead

Wou'd no more keep the slave in awe, 1055

Than if you were a knight of straw :

For death wou'd then be his conqueror,

Not you, and free him from that terror.

If da"nger from his life accrue.

Or honour from his death, to you, 1060

'Twere policy and honour too,

To do as you resolv'd to do ;

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour much.

To say it needs or fears a crutch.

Great conquerors greater glory gain 1066

By foes in triumph led, than slain :

The laurels that adorn their brows

Are puU'd from living, not dead boughs.

And living foes : the greatest fame

Of cripple slain can be but lame. 1070

One half him's already slain.

The other is not worth your pain ;

Th' honour can but on one side light.

As worship did, when y' were dubb'd knight.

Wherefore I think it better far 1075

To keep him prisoner of war.

And let him fast in bonds abide.

At court of justice to be try'd ;

Where, if he appear so bold and crafty,

There may be danger in his safety. 1080

If any member there dislike

His face, or to his heard have pique ;

Or if his death will save or yield

Revenge or fright, it is reveal'd.

Though he has quarter, ne'er the less 1085

Y' have power to hang him when you please.

This has been often done by some

Of our great conq'rors, you know whom ;

And has by most of us been held

Wise justice, and to some reveal'd : 1090

64 HUDIBRAS

For words and promises, that yoke
The conqueror, are quickly broke ;
Like Samson's cufFs, though by his own
Direction and advice put on.
For if we should fight for the Cause 1095

By rules of military laws,
And only do what they call just,
The Cause would quicldy fall to dust.
This we among ourselves may speak;
But to the wicked, or the weak, 1100

We must be cautious to declare
Perfection-truths, such as these are.
This said, the high, outrageous mettle

Of Knight began to cool and settle.

He lik'd the Squire's advice, and soon 1105

Ptesol^'d to see the business done ;

And therefore charg'd him first to bind

Crowdero's hands on rump beliind,

And to its former place and use

The wooden member to reduce; 1110

But force it take an oath before,

Ne'er to bear arms against him more.
Ralpho dispatched with speedy haste.

And having ty'd Crowdero fast.

He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, 1115

To lead the captive of his sword

In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught,

And them to further service brought.

The Squire in state rode on before,

And on his nut-brown whinyard bore 1120

The trophy-fiddle and the case,

Leaning on shoulder like a mace.

The Knight himself did after ride.

Leading Crowdero by his side ;

And tow'd him if he lagg'd behind, 1125

Like boat against the tide and wind.

Thus grave and solenm they march'd on

Until quite thro' the town th' had gone ;

At further end of which there stands

An ancient castle, that commands 1 130

Th' adjacent parts : in all the fabric

You shall not see one stone nor a brick :

PART I.— CANTO H. 65

But all of wood ; by pow'rful spell

Of magic made impregnable.

There's neither iron-bar nor gate, 1135

Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate,

And yet men durance there abide.

In dungeon scarce three inches wide ;

With roof so low, that under it

Tliey never stand, but lie or sit ; 1140

And yet so foul, that whoso 's in,

Is to the middle-leg in prison ;

In circle magical confinM,

With walls of subtle air and wind,

Which none are able to break through, 1145

Until they're freed by head of borough.

Thither arriv'd, th' advent'rous Knight

And bold Squire from their steeds alight

At th' outward wall, near which there stands

A bastile, built to imprison hands ; 1150

By strange encliantment made to fetter

The lesser parts, and free the greater ;

For though the body may creep through,

The hands in grate are fast enough :

And when a circle 'bout the wrist 1155

Is made by beadle exorcist.

The body feels the spur and switch,

As if 'twere ridden post by witch

At twenty miles an hour pace.

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. 1160

On top of this there is a spire.

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire

The fiddle and its spoils, the case.

In manner of a trophy place.

That done, they ope the trap-door gate, 1165

And let Crowdero down thereat ;

Crowdero making doleful face.

Like hermit poor in pensive place.

To dungeon they the wretch commit,

And the survivor of his feet : 1170

But th' other, that had broke the peace

And head of knighthood they release ;

Though a delinquent false and forged.
Yet, being a stranger he's enlarged,

m HUDIBRAS.

While his comrade, that did no hurt, 1175
Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't.
So Justice, while she winks at crimes,
Stumbles on innocence sometimes.

CANTO III.

The scatter'd rout return and rally,
Surround the place ; the Knight doth sally,
And is made pris'ner : then they seize
Th' enchanted fort by storm, release
Crowdero, and put th' Squire in's place,
I should have first said Hudibras.

Ah me ! what perils do environ

The man that meddles with cold iron ;

What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps

Do dog him still with after-claps !

For though dame Fortune seem to smile 5

And leer upon him for awhile.

She'll after show him, in the nick

Of all his glories, a dog-trick.

This any man may sing or say,

r th' ditty call'd. What if a Day ? 10

For Hudibras, who Uiought h' had won

The field, as certain as a gun ;

And, having routed the whole troop,

With victory was cock-a-hoop ;

Thinking h' had done enough to purchase 15

Thanksgiving-day among the churches,

Wherein his mettle, and brave worth,

Might be explained by Holder-forth,

And register'd, by fame eternal.

In deathless pages of diurnal ; 20

Found in few minutes, to his cost,

He did but count without his host ;

And that a turnstile is more certain

Than, m events of war, dame Fortune.

For now the late faint hearted rout, 25

O'erthrown, and scatter'd round about,
Chas'd by the horror of their fear,
From bloody fray of Knight and Bear

PART I.— CANTO IH. 67

(All but the dogs, who, in pursuit

Of the Knight's victory, stood to't, 30

And most ignobly fonght to get

The honour of his blood and sweat,)

Seing the coast was free and clear

O' th' conquer'd and the conqueror,

Took heart again, and fac'd about, 35

As if they meant to stand it out :

For by this time the routed Bear,

Attacked by th' enemy i' th' rear,

Finding their number grew too great

For him to make a safe retreat, 40

Like a bold chieftain, fac'd about ;

But wisely doubting to hold out,

Gave way to fortune, and with haste

Fac'd the proud foe, and fled, and facM ;

Retiring still, until he found 45

H" had got the advantage of the ground ;

And then as valiantly made head

To check the foe, and forthwith fled ;

Leaving no art untry'd, nor trick

Of warrior stout and politic, 50

Until, in spite of hot pursuit,

He gain'd a pass, to hold dispute

On better terms, and stop the course

Of the proud foe. With all his force

He bravely. chargM, and for a while 55

Forc'd their whole body to recoil ;

But still their numbers so increas'd.

He found himself at length oppressed ;

And all evasions so uncertain.

To save himself for better fortune, 6Q

That he resolv'd, rather than yield, .

To die with honour in the field.

And sell his hide and carcase at

A price as high and desperate

As e'er he could. This pssolution 65

He forthwith put in execution,

And bravely threw himself among

The enemy, i' th' greatest throng ;

But what could single valour do

Against so numerous a foe 70

68 HUDIBRAS.

Yet much he did, indeed too much

To be believ'd, where th' odds were such.

But one against a multitude

Is more than mortal can make good :

For while one party he oppos'd, 75

His rear was suddenly inclosed ;

And no room left him for retreat,

Or fight against a foe so great.

For now the mastiffs, charging home,

To blows and handy gripes were come : 80

While manfully himself he bore.

And setting his right foot before.

He rais'd himself, to show how tall

His person was above them all.

This equal shame and envy stirr'd 85

In th' enemy, that one should beard

So many warriors, and so stout,

As he had done, and stav'd it out,

Disdaining to lay down his arms.

And yield on honourable terms. 90

Enraged thus, some in the rear

Attack'd him, and some ev'ry where,

Till down he fell ; yet falling fought,

And, being down, still laid about ;

As Widdrington, in doleful dumps, 95

Is said to fight upon his stumps.

But all, alas ! had been in vain,
And he inevitably slain,
If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick,
To rescue him had not been quick ; 100

For Trulla, who was light of foot
As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot,
(But not so light as to be borne
Upon the ears of standing corn,
Or trip it o'er the water quicker 106

Than witches, when their staves they liquor,
As some report,) was got among
The foremost of the martial throng :
There pitying the vanquished bear.
She call'd to'Cerdon, who stood near, 110

Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom,
Slmll we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum.

PART I.— CANTO lU. 69

And see stout Bruin all alone,

By numbers basely overthrown ?

Such feats already h' had achiev'd, 115

In story not to be believed ;

And 'twould to us be shame enough,

Not to attempt to fetch him off.

I would (quolli he) venture a limb

'To second thee, and rescue him ; 120

But then we must about it straight,

Or else our aid will come too late.

Quarter he scorns, he is so stout,

And therefore cannot long hold out.

This said, they wavM their weapons round 125

About their heads, to clear the ground ;

And joining forces, laid about

So fiercely, that th' amazed rout

TurnM tail again, and straight begun,

As if the devil drove, to run. 130

Meanwhile th'approach'd the place where Bruin

Was now engagM to mortal ruin.

The conqu'ring foe they soon assail'd ;

First Trulla stav'd, and Cerdon tail'd.

Until their mastiffs loos'd their hold : 135

And yet, alas ! do what they could.

The worsted bear came off' with store

Of bloody wounds, but all before :

For as Achilles, dipt in pond.

Was anabaptiz'd free from wound, 140

Made proof against dead-doing steel

All over, but the Pagan heel ;

So did our champion's arms defend

All of him, but the other end.

His head and ears, which, in the martial 145

Encounter, lost a leathern parcel :

For as an Austrian archduke once

Had one ear (which in ducatoons

Is half the coin) in battle par'd

Close to his head, so Bruin far'd ; 150

134. Staving and trailing are terms of art used in the
Bear-Garden, and signify there only the parting of doga
and bears : though tht^y are used metaphorically in se-
veral other professions for moderating ; as law, divi
nity hectoring, &c.

70 ^ HUDIBRAS.

But tugg'd and pull'd on th' other side.

Like scriv'ner newly crucifi'd ;

Or like the late corrected leathern

Ears of the circumcised brethren.

But gentle TruUa into th' ring 155

He wore in's nose, convey'd a string.

With which she march'd before, and led

The warrior to a grassy bed,

As authors write, in a cool shade,

Which eglantine and roses made ; 16(V

Close by a softly murm 'ring stream.

Where lovers us'd to loll and dream.

There leaving him to his repose,

Secured from pursuit of foes,

And wanting nothing but a song, 165

And a well-tun"d theorbo hung

Upon a bough, to ease the pain

His tugg'd ears sutFer'd, with a strain,

They both drew up, to march in quest

Of his great leader and the rest. 170

For Orsin (who was more renown'd
For stout maintaining of his ground
In standing fight, than for pursuit,
As being not so quick of foot)
Was not long able to keep pace 175

With others that pursu'd the chase;
But found himself left far behind.
Both out of heart and out of wind :
Griev'd to behold his bear pursu'd
So basely by a multitude ; 180

And like to fall, not by the _
But numbers of his coward foes.
He rag'd and kept as heavy a coil as
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas;
Forcing the valleys to repeat 185

The accents of his sad regret.
He beat his breast, and tore his hair.
For loss of his dear crony bear ;

153. Pryn, Basuvick, and Burton, who laid down
their enra as proxies for tlieir profession of the godly
party, not Ion? after maintained their right and title lo
the pillory to be as good and lawful as theirs who first
ef all took possession of it in their names.

PART I.— CANTO IH. 71

That Echo, from the hollow ground,

His doleful wailings did resound 190

More wistfully, by many times.

Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes,

That make her, in their rueful stories,

To answer to int'rogatories,

And most unconscionably depose 195

To things of which she nothing knows ;

And when she has said all she can say,

'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy.

Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin,

Art thou fled ? to my— Echo, Ruin. 200

I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step

For fear. Quoth Echo, Marry guep.

Am not I here to take thy part.'

Then what has quail'd thy stubborn heart.'

Have tliese bones rattled, and this head 205

So often in thy quarrel bled .'

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it.

For thy dear sake. Quoth she. Mum budget.

Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish

Thou turn'dst thy back ? Quoth Echo, Pish. 210

To run from those th' hadst overcome

Thus cowardly.' Quoth Echo, Mum.

But what a vengeance makes thee fly

From me, too, as thine enemy .'

Or if thou hast no thought of me, 215

Nor what I have endur'd for thee.

Yet shame and honour might prevail

To keep thee thus from turning tail :

For who would grudge to spend his blood in

His honour's cause ? Quoth she, A puddin. 220

This said, his grief to anger turn'd.

Which in his manly stomach burn'd ;

Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place

Of sorrow, now began to blaze.

He vow'd the authors of his wo 225

Should equal vengeance undergo ;

And with their bones and flesh pay dear

For what he suffer'd, and his bear.

This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speed

And rage he hasted to proceed 230

78 HUDlBRAi?.

To action straight ; and giving o

To search for Bruin any more,

He went in quest of Hubibras,

To find him out, where'er he was :

And, if he were above ground vow'd 23S

He'd ferret him, lurk where he would.

But scarce had he a furlong on
This resolute adventure gone,
When he encounter'd with that crew
Whom Hudibras did late subdue. 240

Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame,
Did equally their breasts inflame.
'Mong these the fierce Magnano was,
And Talgol, foe to Hudibras;
Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout, 245

And resolute, as ever fouglit ;
Whom ftirious Orsin thus bespoke :
Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook
The vile affront that paltry ass.
And feeble scoundrel Hudibras, 250

With that more paltry ragamuffin,
Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing,
Have put upon us hke tame cattle.
As if th' had routed us in battle !
For my part, it shall ne'er be said, 2bi

I for the washing gave my head :
Nor did I turn my back for fear
O' th' rascals, but loss of my bear,
Which now I'm like to undergo ;
For whether those fell wounds, or no, 260

He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal.
Is more than all my skill can foretel ;
Nor do I know what is become
Of him, more than the pope of Rome.
But if I can but find them out 265

That caus'd it (as I shall, no doubt.
Where'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk)
I'll make them rue their handy-work,
And wish that they had rather dar'd
To pull the devil by the beard. 270

Quoth Cerdon, Noble Orsin, th' bast
Great reason to do as thou say'st,

PART l.-CANTO III. 73

And so has ev'ry body here,

As well as thou hast or thy bear.

Others may do as they see good ; 275

But if this twig be made of wood

That will hold tack, I'll make the fuf

Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur ;

And th' other mongrel vermin, Ralph,

That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280

Thy bear is safe, and out o£ peril.

Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill;

Myself and Trulla made a shift

To help him out at a dead lift ;

And having brought him bravely off, 285

Have left him where he's safe enough :

There let him rest ; for if we stay,

The slaves may hap to get away.

This said, they all engag'd to join
Their forces in the same design ; 290

And forthwith put themselves in search
Of Hudibras upon their march.
Where leave we them awhile, to tell
What the victorious Knight befel :
For such, Crowdero being fast 295

In dungeon shut, we left him last.
Triumphant laurels seem'd to grow
No where so green as on his brow ;
Laden with which, as well as tir"d
With conquering toil he now retir'd 300

Unto a neighb'ring castle by,
To rest his body, and apply
Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise
He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues;
To mollify the uneasy pang 305

Of ev'ry honourable bang.
Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest,
He laid him down to take his rest.
But all in vain. H' had got a hurt
O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort, 310

By Cupid made, who took his stand
Upon a widow's jointure land
(For he, in all his am'rous battles.
No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,)
E

74 HUDIBRAS.

Drew home liis bow, and, aiming right, 351

Let fly an arrow at the Knight :

The shaft against a rib did glance.

And gall'd him in the purtenance ;

But time had somevvliat 'siiag'd his pain

After he found his suit in vain. 320

For that proud dame, for whom his soul

Was burnt in 's belly like a coal

(That belly which so oft did ake

And suffer griping for her sake,

Till purging comfits and ants'-eggs 325

Had almost brought him ofi'his legs,)

Us'd him so like a base rascallion,

That old Pyg — (what d' y' call him) malion,

That cut his mistress out of stone,

Had not so hard a hearted one. 330

She had a thousand Jadish tricks.

Worse than a mule that flings and kicks;

'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had,

As insolent as strange and mad ;

She could love none, but only such 335

As scorn'd and hated her as much.

Twas a strange riddle of a lady :

Not love, if any lov'd her 1 Hey-dey !

So cowards never use their might,

But against such as will not fight ; 340

So some diseases have been found

Only to seize upon the sound.

He that gets her by heart, must say her

The back way, like a witch's prayer.

Meanwhile the Knight had no small task 345

To compass what he durst not ask.

Ho loves, but dares not make the motion ;

Her ignorance is his devotion;

328. Pygmalion, king of Tyre, was the son of Mar-
genus, or Mechres, whom he succeeded, and lived 56
years, whereof he reieued 47. Dido, his sister, was ta
have governed with him, but it was pretended the sub-
jects thought it not convenient. She married Sichaeus,
who was the Ising's uncle, and very rich ; wherefore he
put him to death; and Dido soon after departed the king
dom. Poets say, Pygmalion was punished for the hatrra
he bote to woinen with the love he had to a 8tatus<

PART I.— CANTO HI. 75

Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed,

Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350

Or rowing scull, he's fain to love,

Look one way, and another move ;

Or like a tumbler, that does play

His game, and look another way,

Until he seize upon the cony ; 355,

Just so he does by matrimony :

But all in vain ; her subtle snout

Did quickly wind iiis meaning out ;

Which she return'd with too much scorn

To be by man of honour borne : 3G0

Yet much he bore, until the distress

He suffer'd from his spiteful mistress

Did stir his stomach ; and the pain

He had endur'd from her disdain,

Turn'd to regret so resolute, 365

That he resolv'd to waive his suit,

And either to renounce her quite,

Or for a while play least in sight.

This resolution b'ing put on.

He kept some months, and more had done, 370

But being brought so nigh by fate,

The victory he achieved so late

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope

A door to discontinued hope,

That seem'd to promise he might wui 375

His dame too, now his hand was in ;

And that his valour, and the honour

H' had newly gain"d, might work upon her.

These reasons made his mouth to water

With amVous longings to be at her. 380

Quoth he, unto himself. Who knows
But this brave conquest o'er my foes
May reach her heart, and make that stoop,
As I but now have forc'd the troop ?
If nothing can oppugn love, 385

And virtue invious ways can prove,
What may he not confide to do
That brings both love and virtue too ?
But thou bring'st valour too and wit :
Two things that seldom fail to hit. 390

76 HUDLBRAS.

Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin,

Which women oft are taken in.

Then, Hudibras, why should'st thou fear

To be, that art a conqueror ?

Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 395

But lets the timidous miscarry.

Then while the honour thou hast got

Is'spick and span new, piping hot,

Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best,

And trust thy fortune with the rest. 400

Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep.
More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep.
And as an owl, that in a bam
Sees a mouse creeping in the com,
Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 405
As if he slept, until he spies
The little beast within his reach.
Then starts, and seizes on the wretch ;
So from his couch the Knight did start
To seize upon the widow's heart ; 410

Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse,
Ralpho, dispatch ; to horse, to horse.
And 'twas but time ; for now the rout,
We left engag'd to seek him out.
By speedy marches, were advanc'd 415

Up to the fort, where he enscono'd ;
And all the avenues had possest
About the place, from east to west.

That done, a while they made a halt,
To view the ground, and where t' assault : 420
Then call'd a council, which was best,
By siege or onslaught, to invest
The enemy ; and 'twas agreed
By storm and onslaught to proceed.
This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 425

They now drew up t' attack the fort:
When Hudibras, about to enter
Upon another-gates adventure,
To Ralpho caird aloud to arm,
Not dreaming of approaching storm. 430

Whether dame Fortune, or the care
Of angel bad or tutelar.

PART I.— CANl'O ni. 77

Did arm, or thrust him on a danger

To which he was an utter stranger,

That foresight might, or might not, blot 435

The glory lie had newly got ;

Or to his shame it might be said,

They took liim napping in his bed;

To them we leave it to expound,

That deal in sciences profound. 440

His courser scarce he had bestrid,
And Ralpho that on which he rid.
When setting ope the postern gate.
Which they thought best to sally at,
The foe appear'd, drawn up and drill'd, 445
Ready to charge them in the field.
This somewhat startled the bold Knight,
Surpris'd with th' unexpected sight :
The bruises of his bones and flesh
He thought began to smart afresh ; 450

Till recollecting wonted courage,
His fear was soon converted to rage,
And thus he spoke : The coward foe
Whom we but now gave quarter to,
Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455

As if they had outrun their fears.
The glory we did lately get,
The Fates command us to repeat ;
And to their wills we must succomb,
Quocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 460

This is the same numeric crew
Which we so lately did subdue ;
The self-same individuals that
Did run as mice do from a cat.
When we courageously did wield 465

Our martial weapons in the field,
To tug for victory ; and when
We shall our shining blades agen
Brandish in terror o"er our heads,
They'll straight resume their wonted dreads.470
Fear is an ague, that forsakes
And haunts by fits those whom it takes ;
And they'll opine ihey feel the pain
And blows they felt to-day again

78

HUDIBRAS.

Then let us boldly charge them home, 476
And make no doubt to overcome.

This said, his courage to inflame,
Ho caird upon his mistress' name.
His pistol next he cock'd anew,
And out his nut-brown whiiiyard drew ; 480
And, placing Ralpho in the front.
Reserved himself to bear the brunt.
As expert warriors use : then ply'd
With iron heel his courser-s side.
Conveying sympathetic t^peed 485

From heel of Knight to heel of steed.

Meanwhile the foe, witii equal rage
And speed, advancing to engage ;
Both parties now were drawn so close,
Almost to come to handy-blows : 490

When Orsin first let fly a stone
At Ralpho ; not so huge a one
As that which Diomed did maul
jEneas on the bum withal ;
Yet big enough, if rightly hurl'd, 495

T' have sent him to another world,
Whether above ground, or below.
Which saints twice dipt are destin'd to.
The danger stait'cd the bold Squire,
And made him some few steps retire ; 500

But fludibras advanc'd to' 's aid.
And rous"d his spirits, lialf dismay'd.
He, wisely doubting lest the shot
Of th' enemy, now growing hot,
Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 505
To come pell-mell to handy-blows.
And, that lie might their aim decline,
Advanc'd still in an oblique line ;
But prudently forbore to fire,
Till breast to breast he had got nigher, 510
As expert warriors use to do
When hand to hand they charge their foe.
This order the advent'rous Knight,
Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight.
When Fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 515
And for the foe began to stickle.

PART I.— CANTO III. 79

The more shame for her goodyship,

To give so near a friend the shp.

For Colon choosing out a stone,

Leveird so riglit, it thump'd upon 520

His manly paunch with such a force,

As ahnost beat him off his horse.

He lost his whinyard, and the rein ;

But laying fast jiold of the mane,

Preserv'd his seat : and as a goose 525

In death contracts his talons close,

So did the Kniglit, and with one claw

The trigger of his pistol draw.

The gun went off: and as it was

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 530

In all his feats of arms, when least

He dreamt of it, to prosper best.

So now he far'd : the shot, let fly

At random 'rnong the enemy,

Pierc'd Talgofs gaberdine, and grazing 535

Upon his shoulder, in the passing

Lodg'd in RIagnano's brass habergeon.

Who straight, A surgeon ! cry'd, a surgeon !

He tumbled down, and, as he fell,

Did Murther I Murther ! Murther ! yell. 540

This startled their whole body so,

That if the Knight had not let go

His arms, but been in warlike plight,

H' had won (the seqond time) the fight;

As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 545

He had inevitably done :

But he, diverted with the care

Of Hudibras his hurt, forbare

To press th' advantage of his fortune.

While danger did the rest dishearten : 550

For he witli Cerdon b'ing engag'd

In close encounter, they both wag'd

The fight so well, 'twas hard to say

Which sido. was like to get the day.

And now the busy work of death 555

Had tir'd them, so th' agreed to breathe,

Preparing to renew the fight.

When the disaster of the Knight,

80 HUDIBRAS.

And th' other part}', did divert

Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 560

Ralpho press'd up to liudibras,

And Cerdon where Magnano was ;

Each striving to confirm his party

With stout encouragements and hearty.

Quoth Ralpho, Courage, valiant Sir, 565
And let revenge and honour stir
Your spirits up : once more fall on,
The shatter'd foe begins to run :
For if but half so well you knew
To use your victory as subdue, 570

They durst not, after such a blow
As you have given them, face us now ;
But from so formidable a soldier
Had fled like crows when they smell powder.
Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 575
Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft ;
But if you let them recollect
Their spirits, now dismay'd and check'd.
You'll have a harder game to play
Than yet y' have had to get the day. 580

Thus spoke the stout Squire ; but was heard
By Hudibras with small regard.
His thoughts were fuller of the bang
He lately took, than Ralph's harangue ;
To which he answer'd. Cruel Fate 58S

Tells me thy counsel comes too late.
The knotted blood within my hose,
That from my wounded body flows.
With mortal crisis doth portend
My days to appropinqae an end. 590

I am for action now unfit.
Either of fortitude or wit:
Fortune, my foe, begins to frown,
Resolv'd to pull my siomaoh down.
I am not apt, upon a wound, 595

Or trivial basting, to despond :
Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail :
For if I thought my wounds not mortal,
Or that we'd time enough as yet
To make an hon'rable retreat, 600

PART I.— CANTO III. 81

'Twere the best course : but if they find

We fly, and leave our arms behind

For them to seize on, the dishonour,

And danger too, is such. 111 sooner

Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605

To let them see i am no starter.

In all the trade of war, no feat

Is nobler tlsaa a brave retreat :

For those that run away, and fly,

Take place at least of th' enemy. 610

This said, the Squire with active speed,
Dismounted from his bony steed,
To seize the arms, -which, by mischance.
Fell from the bold Knight in a trance.
These being found out, and restor'd 615

To Hudibras, their natural lord.
As a man may say, with might and mala
He hasted to get up again.
Thrice he essay d to mount aloft,
But, by his wciglity bum, as oft 620

He was pull'd back, till having found
Th' advantage of the rising ground.
Thither he led his warlike steed,
And having plac'd him right, with speed
Prepar'd again to scale the beast ; 625

When Orsin, who had newly dress'd
The bloody scar upon the shoulder
Of Talgol with Promethean powder.
And now was searching for the shot
That laid Magnano on the spot, 630

Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid
Preparing to climb up his horse' side.
He left his cure, and laying hold
Upon his arms, with courage bold,
Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635

The enemy begin to rally ;
Let us, that are unhurt and whole.
Fall on, and happy man bo's dole.

This said, like to a thunderbolt,
He flew with fury to th' assault, 640

Striving the enemy to attack
Before he reach'd his horse's back.
E2

82 HUDIBRAS.

Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten

O'erthwart his beast with active vau'ting,

Wriggling his body to recover 645

His seat, and cast his right leg over ;

When Orsin, rushing in, bestowed

On horse and man so heavy a load,

The beast was startled, and begun

To kick and fling like mad, and run, 650

Bearing the tough Squire like a sack,

Or stout king Puchard, on his back ;

Till stumbling, he threw him down,

Sore bruis'd, and cast into a s^voon.

Meanwhile the Knight began to rouse 655

The sparkles of his wonted prowess:

He thrust his hand into his hose,

And found, both by his eyes and nose,

'Twas only choler, and not blood.

That from his wounded body flow'd. 660

This, with the hazard of the Squire,

Inflam'd him with despiteful ire :

Courageously he fac'd about,

And drew his other pistol out.

And now had halfway bent the cock, 665

When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock.

With sturdy truncheon, 'thwart his arm,

That down it fell, and did no harm :

Then stoutly pressing on with speed.

Assay 'd to pull him off his steed. 670

The Knight his sword had only left.

With which he Cerdon's head had cleft.

Or at the least cropt off a hmb,

But Orsin came, and rescu'd him.

He, with his lance, attack'd the Knight 675

Upon his quarters opposite :

But as a bark, that in foul weather,

Toss'd by two adverse winds together.

Is bruisM, and beaten to and fro.

And knows not which to turn him to ; 680

So far'd the Knight between two foes.

And knew not which of them t' oppose ;

Till Orsin, charging wiih his lance

At Hudibras, by spiteful chance

PART I.— CANTO III. 83

Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunn'd 685

And laid him flat upon the ground.

At this the Knight began to cheer up,

And, raising up himself on stirrup,

Cry'd out, Victoria ! lie thou there,

And I shall straight dispatch another, 690

To bear thee company in death ;

But first I'll halt a while, and breathe :

As well he might ; for Orsin, griev'd

At th' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd.

Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695

And cure the hurt he gave before.

Meanwhile the Knight had wheel'd about,

To breathe himself, and next find out

Th' advantage of the ground, where best

He might the ruffled foe infest. 700

This b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his steed.

To run at Orsin with full speed,

While he was busy in the care

Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware ;

But he was quick, and had already 705

Unto the part apply'd remedy ;

And, seeing th' enemy prepared,

Drew up, and stood upon his guard.

Then, like a warrior right expert

And skilful in the martial art, 710

The subtle Knight straight made a halt,

And judg"d it best to stay th' assault,

Until he had reliev'd the Squire,

And then in order to retire ;

Or, as occasion should invite, 715

With forces join'd renew the fight.

Ralpho, by this time disentranc'd.

Upon his bum himself advanc'd,

Though sorely bruis'd ; his limbs all o'er

With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore. 720

Right fain he would have got upon

His feet again, to get him gone,

When Hudibras to aid him came :

Quoth he (and call'd him by his name,)

Courage ! the day at length is ours ; 795

Aud we once more, as conquerors,

84 HUDIBRAS.

Have both the field and honour won :

The foe is profligate, and run.

I mean all such as can ; for some

This hand hath sent to their long home ; 730

And some lie sprawling on the ground,

With many a gash and bloody wound.

CgDsar himself could never say

lie got two victories in a day,

As I have done, that can say. Twice I 735

In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici.

The foe's so numerous, that we

Cannot so often vincere

As they perire, and yet enow

Be left to strike an after-blow ; 740

Then, lest they rally, and once more

Put us to fight the business o'er.

Get up, and mount thy steed : Dispatch,

And let us both their motions watch.

Quoth Ralph, I should not, if I were 745
In case for action, now be here :
Nor liave I turn'd my back, or hang'd
An arse, for fear of being bang'd.
It was for you I got these harms,
Advent'ring to fetch off your arms. 750

The blows and drubs I have receiv'd
Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd
My limbs of strength. Unless you stoop,
And reach your hand to pull me up,
I shall lie here, and be a prey 755

To those who now are run away.

That thou shalt not (quoth Hudibras ;)
We read the ancients lield it was
More honourable far, servare
Civem, than slay an adversary : 760

The one we oft to-day have done,
The other shall dispatch anon :
And tliough th' art of a different church,
I will not leave thee in the lurch.
This said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765
And steer'd him gently towards the Squire;
Then bowing down his body, stretch'd
His hand out, and at Ralpho reach'd ;

PART I.— UANTO III. 85

When Trulla, whom he did not mind,

Charg'd him hke hghteninjr behind. 770

She had been long in search about

Magnano's wound, to find it out;

But could find none, nor where the shot,

That had so startled him, was got:

But having found the worst was past, 775

She fell to her own work at last,

The pillage of the prisoners.

Which in all feats of arms was hers ;

And now to plunder Ralph she flew.

When Hudibras his hard fate drew 780

To succour him ; for, as he bow'd

To help him up, she laid a load

Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well,

On t' other side, that down he fell.

Yield, scoundrel base (quoth she,) or die : 785

Thy life is mine, and liberty :

But if thou think'st I took thee tardy,

And dar'st presume to be so hardy,

To try thy fortune o'er afresh,

I'll waive my title to thy flesh ; 790

Thy arms and baggage, now my right ;

And, if thou hast the heart to try 't,

I'll lend thee back thyself a while,

And once more, for that carcass vile.

Fight upon tick. — Quoth Hudibras, 795

Thou otfor'st nobly, valiant lass.

And I shall take thee at thy word.

First let me rise and take my sword ;

That sword which has so oft this day

Through squadrons of my foes made way, 800

And some to other worlds dispatch'd,

Now with a feeble spinster match'd,

Will blush with blood ignoble stain'd,

By which no honour's to be gain'd.

But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 805

Consider whilst thou may'st, what 'tis

To interrupt a victor's course,

B' opposing such a trivial force :

For if with conquest I come off

(And that I shall do, sure enough,) 810

86 HUDIBRAS.

Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace.

By law of arms, in such a case ;

Both which I now do offer freely.

I scorn (quoth she) thou coxcomb silly

(Clapping her hand upon her breech, 815

To show how much she priz'd his speech,)

Quarter or counsel from a foe ;

If thou canst force me to it, do.

But lest it should again be said.

When I have once more won thy head, 820

I took thee napping, unprepar'd,

Arm, and betake thee to tliy guard.

This said, she to her tackle fell,
And on the Knight let fall a peal
Of blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 825
That he retir'd, and follow'd 's bum.
Stand to 't (quoth she) or yield to mercy :
It is not fighting arsie-versie
Shall serve thy turn. — This stirr'd his spleen
More than the danger he was in, 830

The blows he felt, or was to feel.
Although th' already made him reel.
Honour, despight, revenge, and shame,
At once into his stomach came.
Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm 835

Above his head, and rain'd a storm
Of blows so terrible and thick,
As if he meant to hash her quick.
But she upon her truncheon took them,
And by oblique diversion broke them, 840

Waiting an opportunity
To pay all back with usury,
Which long she fail'd not of; for now
The Knight with one dead-doing blow
Resolving to decide the fight, 845

And she with quick and cunning sleight
Avoiding it, the force and weight
He charg'd upon it was so great.
As almost sway'd him to the ground.
TJo sooner she th' advantage found, 850

But in she flew ; and seconding
With home-made thrust the heavy swing,

PART I.— CANTO III. til

She laid him flat upon his side ;
And mounting on his trunk astride,
Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855
Of all thy vapouring, base scum.
Say, will the law of arms allow
I may have grace and quarter now?
Or wilt thou rather break thy word,
And stain thine honour, than thy sword ? 860
A man of war to damn his soul,
In basely breaking his parole ;
And when, before the fight, th' hadst vow'd
To give no quarter in cold blood :
Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865

-To make me 'gainst my will take quarter,
Why dost not put me to the sword,
But cowardly fly from thy word ?

Quoth Hudibras, The day's thine own ;
Thou and thy stars have cast me down ; 870
My laurels are transplanted now.
And flourish on thy conquering brow ;
My loss of honour 's great enough.
Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff:
Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, 875

But cannot blur my lost renown.
I am not now in Fortune's power ;
He that is down can fall no lower.
The ancient heroes were illustrious
For being benign, and not blustrous, 880

Against a vanquished foe : their swords
Were sharp and trenchant, not their words;
And did in fight but cut work out
T' employ their courtesies about.

Quoth she, Although thou hast deserv'd, 885
Base slubberdegulhon, to be serv'd
As thou didst vow to deal with me,
If thou hadst got the victory ;
Yet I shall rather act a part
That suits my fame than thy desert. 890

Thy arms, thy liberty, beside
All that's on th' outside of thy hide,
Are mine by military law.
Of which I will not bate one straw :

88 HUDIBRAS.

The rest, tliy life and limbs, once more, 895
Though doubly foi-feit, 1 restore.

Quoth Hudibras, It is too late
For me to treat or stipulate :
What tliou command'st, I must obey :
Yet those whom I expugn'd to-day 900

Of thine own party, 1 let go,
And gave them life and freedom too:
Both dogs and bear, upon their parole,
Whom 1 took pris'ners in this quarrel.
Quoth TruUa, Whether thou or they 905

Let one another run away.
Concerns not me : but was't not thou
That gave Cro\rdero quarter too?
Crowdero, whom, in irons boimd,
Thou basely threwVt into Lob's pound, 91C
Where still he lies, and with regret
Ilis gen'rous bowels rage and fret.
But now thy carcase shall redeem
And serve to be exchanged for him.

This said, the Knight did straight submit, 915
And laid his weapon at her feet.
Next he disrobed liis gabardine,
And with it did himself resign.
She took it, and forthwith divesting
The mantle that she wore, said jesting 920
Take that, and wear it for my sake ;
Then threw it o'er his sturdy back,
And as the French, we conquer'd once,
Now give us laws for pantaloons,

923. Pantaloons and port-cannotis were some of thfl
fantastic fashions wherein we aped the French.

At quisqnis Insula satiis Britannica

Sic patria insolens faslidiet suain,

Vi more simia; laboret fingere,

Et aemulari Gallicas ineptias,

Et omni Gallo ego liunc opinor ebrium ;

Ergo ex Britanno, ut Gallus esse nititur

Sic Dii jubete, fiat ex Gallo Capus.

Thomas More.
Gallus is a river in Phrygia, rising out of the moun-
tains of Celens, and discharging itself into the river
Sanger, the waterof which is of that admirable quality,
that, being moderately drank, it purges tlie brain, and
'tires madness ; but largely drank, it makes men fran
lij. Pliny, Horatius.

PART I.— CANTO HI. 89

The length of breeclies, and the gathers, 925
Port-caunons, periwigs, and feathers ;
Just so the proud insulting lass
Array'd and dighted Hudibras.

Meanwhile the otlier champions, j'erst
In hurry of the fight disperst, 930

Arriv'd when Trulla won the day,
To share in th' honour and the prey,
And out of Hudibras his hide
With vengeance to be satisfy 'd ;
Which now they were about to pour 935

Upon him in a wooden show'r ;
But Trulla thrust herself between.
And striding o'er his back agen,
She brandish'd o'er her head his sword.
And vow'd they should not break her word :
Sh' had giv'n him quarter, and her blood 941
Or theirs should make that quarter good;
P^or she was bound, by law of arms,
To see him safe from farther harms,
In dungeon deep Crowdero, cast 945

By Hudibras, as yet lay fast ;
Where, to the hard and ruthless stones,
His great heart made perpetual moans :
Him°she resolv'd that Hudibras
Should ransom, and supply his place. 950

This stopped their fury, and the basting
Which towards Hudibras was hasting.
They thought it was but just and right
That what she had achieved in fight
She should dispose of how she pleas'd ; 955
Crowdero ought to be releas'd :
Nor could that any way be done
So well as this she pitch'd upon :
For who a better could imagine ?
This therefore they resolv'd t' engage in. 960
The Knight and Squire first they made
Rise from the grovmd where they were laid :
Then mounted both upon their horses.
But witli their faces to the arses ;
Orsin led Hudibras's beast, 965

And Talgol that which Ralpho prest,

90 HUDIBRAS.

Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon,

And Colon, waited as a guard on ;

All ushVing TriiUa in the rear,

With th' arms of either prisoner. 970

In this proud order and array

They put themselves upon the way,

Striving to reach th' enchanted castle,

Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still.

Thither with greater speed than shows 975

And triumph over conquer'd foes

Do use t' allow, or than the bears

Or pageSlnts borne before lord mayors

Are wont to use, they soon arriv'd

In order, soldier-like contrived ; 980

Still marching in a warlike posture,

As fit for battle as for muster.

The Knight and Squire they first unhorse,

And bending 'gainst the fort their force,

They all advanc'd, and round about 985

Begirt tlie magical redoubt.

Magnan led up in this adventure,

And made way for the rest to enter;

For he was skilful in black art.

No less than he that built the fort ; 990

And with an iron mace laid flat

A breach, which straight all enter'd at,

And in the wooden dungeon found

Crowdero laid upon the ground.

Him they release from durance base : 995

Restor'd t' his fiddle and his case,

And liberty, his thirsty rage

With hiscious vengeance to assuage :

For he no sooner was at large,

But Trulla straight brought on the charge,

And in the self-same limbo put 1001

The Knight and Squire where he was shut;

^Vhere leaving them in Hockley i' th' Hole,

Their bangs and durance to condole,

Confin'd and conjured into narrow 1005

Enchanted mansion to know sorrow,

In the same order and array

Which they advanc'd, they march'd away.

PART I.— CANTO III. 91

But Hudibras, v/ho scorn'd to stoop
To Fortune, or be said to droop, 1010

Cheer'd up himself with ends of verse,
And sayings of philosophers.

Quoth he, Th' one half of man, his mind,
Is, sui juris, unconfin'd.

And cannot be laid by the heels, 1015

Whate'er the other moiety feels.
Tis not restraint or liberty
That makes men prisoners or free ;
But perturbations that possess
The mind, or equanimities. 1020

The whole world was not half so wide
To Alexander, when he cry'd,
Because he had but one to subdue,
As was a paltry narrow tub to
Diogenes, who is not said 1025

((•"■or aught that ever I could read)
To whine, put finger i' tli' eye, and sob,
Because h' had ne'er another tub.
The ancients made two sev'ral kinds
Of prowess in heroic minds ; 1030

The active and the passive valiant;
Both which are pari libra gallant :
For both to give blows, and to carry,
In fiffhts are equi-necessary :
But in defeats, the passive stout 1035

Are always found to stand it out
Most despVately, and to outdo
The active 'gainst the conqu'ring foe,
Tho' we with blacks and blues are sugglll'd,
Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd ; 1040

He that is valiant, and dares fight,
Though driabb'd, can lose no honour by't.
Honour''s a lease for lives to come,
And cannot be extended from
The legal tenant ; 'tis a chattel 1045

Not to be forfeited in battle.
If he that in the field is slain,
Be in the bed of honour lain,
He that is beaten may be said
To lie in lioijour'-s Ai-uckle-bed. 1050

92 HUDIBRAS.

For as wc see th' eclipsed sun

By mortals is more gaz'd upon,

Than when, adorn'd with all his light,

He shines in serene sky most bright ;

So valour, in a low estate, 1055

Is most admir'd and wonder'd at.

Quoth Ralph, How great I do not know
We niay by being beaten grow ;
But none, that see how here we sit,
Will judge us overgrown with wit. 1060

As gifted brethren, preaching by
A carnal hour-glass, do imply,
Illumination can convey
Into them what they have to sa}',
But not how much ; so well enough 1065

Know you to charge, but not draw off;
For who, without a cap and bauble,
Having subduM a bear and rabble,
And might with honour have come off,
Would put it to a second proof? 1070

A politic exploit, right fit
For Presbyterian zeal and wit.

Quoth Hudibras, That cuckoo's tone,
Ralplio, thou always harp'st upon.
When thou at any thing would'st rail, 1075
Thou mak'st Presbytery the scale
To take the height on't, and explain
To what degree it is profane :
Whatsoever wOl not with (thy what d'ye call)
Thy light jump right, thou call'st synodical;
As if Presbytery were the standard 1081

To size whats'ever 's to be slander 'd.
Dost not remember how this day
Thou to my beard was bold to say.
That thou couldst prove bear-beating equal
With synods orthodox and Ip-gal ? 1086

Do if thou can'st, for I deny't.
Ard dare thee to't with all thy light.

Quoth Ralpho, Truly that is no
Hard matter for a man to do, 1090

That has but any guts in 's brains,
And cou'd believe it worth his pains;

PART I. CANTO III. 93

But Since you dare and urge me to it,
You'll find I've light enough to do it.

Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 1095

Where elders, deputies, churchwardens,
And other members of the court,
Manage the Babylonish sport ;
For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward,
Do differ only in a mere word ; 1100

Both are but sev'ral synagogues
Of carnal men, and bears, and dogs :
Both anti-christian assemblies,
To mischief bent, far as in them lies ;
Both stave and tail with fierce contests, 1105
The one with men, the other beasts.
The diff 'rence is, the one fights with
The tongue, the other with the teeth ;
And that they bait but bears in this, .
In th' other, souls and consciences ; 1110

Where saints themselves are brought to stake
For gospel-light, and conscience' sake ;
Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters,
Instead of mastiff dogs and curs,
Than whom th' have less humanity ; 1115

For these at souls of men will fly.
This to the propiiet did appear,
Who in a vision saw a bear,
Prefiguring the beastly rage
Of church-rule in this latter age : 1120

As is demonstrated at full
By him that baited the Pope's bull.
Bears nat'rally are beasts of prey,
That live by rapine ; so do they.
What are their orders, constitutions, 1125

Church-censures, curses, absolutions.
But sev'ral mystic chains they make,
To tie poor Christians to the stake.
And then set heathen officers,
Instead of dogs, about their ears ? 1130

For to prohibit and dispense ;
To find out, or to make offence ;

1122 A learned divine in King James's lime wrote a
polemic work against the Pope, and gave it that un-
lucky nickname of The Pope's Bull baited.

94 HUDIBRAS.

Of hell and heaven to dispose ;

To play with souls at fast and loose ;

To set what characters they please, 1135

And mulcts on sin or godliness ;

Reduce the church to gospel-order,

By rapine, sacrilege, and murder ;

To make Presbytery supreme,

And kings themselves submit to them ; 1140

And force all people, though against

Their consciences, to turn saints ;

Must prove a pretty thriving trade,

AVhen saints monopolists are made :

When pious frauds, and holy shifts, 1145

Are dispensations and gifts,

Their godliness becomes mere ware.

And ev'ry synod but a fair.

Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition,

A" mongrel breed of like pernicion ; 1150

And growing up, became the sires

Of scribes, commissioners, and triers ;

Whose bus'ness is, by cunning sleight,

To cast a figure for men's light ;

To find, in lines of beard and face, 1155

The physiognomy of grace ;

And, by the sound and twang of nose,

If all be sound within disclose.

Free from a crack or flaw of sinning.

As men try pipkins by their ringing ; 1160

By black caps, underlaid with white.

Give certain guess at inward light.

Which Serjeants at the gospel wear,

To make the spiritual caUing clear;

The handkerchief about the neck 1165

(Canonical cravat of Smeck,

1166. Sniectymniuis was a club of five parliamentary
holilers-foitli ; tlie characters of whose names and ta-
leiiis were by theiiisel ves expressed in that senseless and
iiisisiiifiL-aiu word. Tliey wore handkerchiefs about
their necks for a mark of distinction (as the ofRcers of
tlie parliament army then did), which afterwards de-
jieuerated into carnal cravais. About the beginning of
the long parliament, in the year 1641, these five wrote
u book against episcopacy and the Coimnon Prayer, to
which they all subscribed their names ; being Stephen
Maisbal, Edmund Calamy, Thomas Youttg, Matthew

PART I.~CANTO III. 95

From whom the institution came,

When church and state they set on flame,

And worn by them as badges then

Of spiritual warfaring men) 1170

Judge riglitly if regeneration

I5e of the newest cut in fashion.

Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion.

That grace is founded in dominion.

Great piety consists in pride ; 1175

To rule is to be sanctified :

7"'o domineer, and to control,

Both o'er the body and the soul,

Is the most perfect discipline

Of church-rule, and by right divine. 1180

Bel and the Dragon's chaplains were

More moderate tlian these by far :

For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat,

To get their wives and children meat ;

But these will not be fobb'd oft" so ; 1185

They must have wealth and power too,

Or else with blood and desolation

They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation.

Sure these themselves from primitive
And heathen priesthood do derive, 1190

When butchers were the only clerks,
Elders and presbyters of kirks ;
Whose directory was to kill ;
And some believe it is so still.
The only diff'rence is, that then 1195

They slaughter'd only beasts, now men.
For then to sacrifice a bullock.
Or now and then a child to Moloch,

Newcomen, and William Spur&tow, and from thence
they and their followers were called Smectymnians.
Tliey are remarkable for another pious book, which
they wrote some time after that, entitled The King's
Cabinet Unlocked, wherein all the chaste and endear-
ing expressions, in the letters that passed between his
majesty King Charles I. and his royal consort, are by
these painful labourers in the devil's vineyard turned
into burlesque and ridicule. Their books were answer-
ed with as much calmness and iienteelness of expression,
and as much learning and honesty, by the Rev. Mr. Sy-
inonds, then a deprived clergyman, as theirs was stuffed
With malice, spleen, and rascally invectives.

96 HUDIBRAS.

They count a vile abomination,

But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200

Presbytery does but translate

The papacy to a free state ;

A commonwealth of Popery,

Where ev'ry village is a see

As well as Rome, and must maintain 1205

A tithe-pig metropolitan ;

Where ev'ry presbyter and deacon

Commands the keys for cheese and bacon ;

And ev'ry hamlet's governed

By 's Floliness, the church's head ; 1210

More haughty and severe in 's place,

Than Gregory or Boniface.

Such churbh must (surely) be a monster

With many heads : for if we conster

Wiiat in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215

According to th' apostle's mind,

'Tis that the whore of Babylon

With many heads did ride upon ;

Which heads denote the sinful tribe

Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe. 1220

Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi,
Whose Uttle finger is as heavy
As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate,
And bishop-secular. This zealot
Is of a mongrel, diverse kind ; 1225

Cleric before, and lay behind ;
A lawless linseywoolsey brother,
Half of one order, half another ;
A creature of amphibious nature,
On land a beast, a fish in water ; 1230

That always preys on grace or sin ;
A sheep without, a wolf within.
This fierce inquisitor has chief
Dominion over men's belief
And manners ; can pronounce a saint 1235
Idolatrous or ignorant.
When superciliously he sifts
Through coarsest boulter others' gifts ;
For all men live and judge amiss.
Whose talents jump not just with his. 1240

PART I.— CANTO III. 9?

He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place

On dullest noddle light and grace,

The manufacture of the kirk.

Those pastors are but th' handy-work

Of his mechanic paws, instilling 1245

Divinity in them by feeling ;

From whence they start up chosen vessels.

Made by contact, as men get measles.

So cardinals, they say, do grope

At th' other end the new-made pope. 1250

Hold, hold, quoth Hudibras ; soft fire,
They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire,
Festina lente, not too fast;
For haste (the proverb says) makes waste.
The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255
Are false, and built upon mistake :
And I shall bring you, with your pack
Of fallacies, t' elenchi back ;
And put your arguments in mood
And rigure to be understood. 1260

I'll force you, by right ratiocination.
To leave your vitilitigation,

12^9. Tliis relates to the story of Pope Joan, who was
called John VIIl. Platina saith she was of English ex-
traction, butbornat Mentz; who, having disguised her-
self like a man, travelled with her paramour to Athens,
where she made such progress in learning, that coming
to Rome, she met with few that could equal her; so
that, on the death of Pope Leo IV. she was chosen to
succeed him ; but being got with child by one of her do-
mestics, her travail came upon her between the Colos-
sian Theatre and St. Clement's, as she was going to the
I<ateran Church, and died upon the place, having sat
two years, one month, and four days, and was buried
there without any pomp. He owns that, forthe shame
of this, the popes decline going through this street to the
Lateran; and that, to avoid the like error, when any
pope is placed in the Porphyry Chair, his genitals are
felt by the youngest deacon, through a hole made for
that purpose ; but he supposes the reason of that to be,
to put him in mind that he is a man, and obnoxious to
the necessities of nature , whence he will have the seat
to he called Sedes Stercoraria.

1262. Vitilitigation is a word the Knight was passion-
ately in love with, and never failed to use it upon all
occasions ; and therefore to omit it, when it fell in the
way, had argued too great a neglect of his learning and
parts ; though it means no more than a perverse humour
of wrangling. F

98 HUDIBRAS.

And make you keep to th' question close.
And argue dialecticos.

The question then, to state it first, 1265

Is, which is better, or which worst,
Synods or bears ? Bears I avow
To be the worst, and synods thou.
But to make good th' assertion,
Tliou say'st they're really all one. 12T0

If so, not worse ; for if th' are idem,
Why then, tantundem dat tantidem.
For if they are the same, by course,
Neither is better, neither worse.
But I deny they are the same, 1275

More than a maggot and I am.
That both are animalia
I grant, but not rationalia :
For though they do agree in kind,
Specific difference we find ; 12S0

And can no more make bears of these.
Than prove my horse is Socrates.
That synods are bear-gardens too.
Thou dost affirm : but I say. No :
And thus I prove it in a word ; 1285

Whats'ever assembly's not impow'r'd
To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain
Can be no ?ynod : but bear-garden
Has no such pow'r ; ergo, 'tis none :
And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 1290

But yet we are beside the question
Which thou didst raise the first contest on ;
For that was. Whether bears are better
Than synod-men ? I say, Negatur.
That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295
Is held by all : they're better then ;
For bears and dogs on four legs go,
As beasts, but synod-men on two.
'Tis true, they all have teeth and nails ;
But prove that synod-men have tails ; 1300
Or that a rugged, shaggy fur
Grows o'er the hide of presbyter ;
Or that his snout and spacious ears
Do hold proportion with a bear's.

PART I,— CANTO HI. 99

A bear's u savage beast, of all 1305

Most ugly g.nd unnatural ;

Whelp'a without form, until the dam

Has lick'd it into sliape and frame :

But all thy light can ne'er evict,

That ever synod man was lick'd, 1310

Or brought to any other fashion

Than his own will and inclination.

But thou dost farther yet in this
Oppugn thyself and sense; that is.
Thou would'st have presbyters to go 1315

For bears and dogs, and bear-wards too ;
A strange chimera of beasts and men,
Made up of pieces heterogene;
Such as in nature never met
In eodem subjecto yet. 1320

Thy other arguments are all
Supposures, hypothetical.
That do but beg, and we may choose
Either to grant them, or refuse.
Much thou hast said, which I know when 1325
And where thou stol'st from other men,
Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts
Are all but plagiary shifts ;
And is the same that Ranter said.
Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 1330
And tore a handful of my beard :
The self-same cavils then I heard,
When, b'ing in hot dispute about
This controversy, we fell out :
And what thou know'st I answer'd then, 1335
Will serve to answer thee agen.

Quoth Ralpho, Nothing but th' abuse
Of human learning you produce ;
Learning, that cobweb of the brain,
Profane, erroneous, and vain ; 1340

A trade of knov^ledge, as replete
As others are with fraud and cheat ;
An art t' incumber gifts and wit.
And render both for nothing fit ;
Makes light unactivo, dull, and troubled, 1345
Like little David in Saul's doublet :

100 HUDIBRAS.

A cheat that scholars put upon

Other men's reason and their own ;

A fort of error, to ensconce

Absurdity and ignorance ; 1350

That renders all the avenues

To truth impervious and abstruse,

By making plain things, in debate,

By art perplex'd and intricate :

For nothing goes for sense or light, 1355

That will not with old rules jump right:

As if rules were not in the schools

Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules.

This Pagan heathenish invention

Is good for nothing but contention, 1360

For as, in sword and buckler fight,

All blows do on the target light ;

So when men argue, the great'st part

O' th' contest falls on terms of art.

Until the fustian stuff be spent, 1365

And then they fall to th' argimient.

Quoth Hudibras, Friend Ralph, thou hast
Outrun the constable at last :
For thou art fallen on a new
Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370

But to the former opposite
And contrary as black to white ;
Mere desparata ; that concerning
Presbytery ; this, huinian learning ;
Two things s' averse, they never yet 1375

But in thy rambling fancy met.
But I shall take a fit occasion
T' evince thee by ratiocination.
Some other time, in place more proper
Than this we're in ; therefore lets stop here,
And rest our weary 'd bones a while, 1381

Already tir'd with other toil.

1373. Disparata are things separate and unlike, from
the Lutin word dispare.

101

PART II.— CANTO I.

The Kniglit, by damnable magician,
Being cast illegally in prison,
Love brings liis action on the case.
And lays it upon Hudibras.
How he receives the Lady's visit,
And cunningly solicits his suit,
Which he defers ; yet on parole
Redeems him from th' enchanted hole.

But now t' observe romantic method,

Let bloody steel awhile be sheathed ;

And all those harsh and rugged sounds

Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds,

Exchang'd to Love's more gentle style, 5

To let our reader breathe a while :

In which, that we may be as brief as

Is possible, by way of preface,

Is't not enough to make one streinge,

That some men's fancies should ne'er change,10

But make all people do and say

The same things still the self-same way ?

Some writers make all ladies purloin'd.

And knights pursuing like a whirlwind :

Others make all their knights, in fits 15

Of jealousy, to lose their wits ;

Till drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches,

Th' are forthwith cur'd of their capriches.

Some always thrive in their amours,

By pulhng plaisters off their sores : 20

As cripples do to get an dms.

Just so do they, and win their dames.

Some force whole regions, in despite

O' geography, to change their site ;

Make former times shake hands with latter, 25

And that which was before come after.

1. The beginning of this Second Part may perhaps
Beem strange and abrupt to those who do not know that
it was written on purposein imitation of Virgil, who be-
gins the IVth Book of his iEneids in the very same man-
ner, 'At Regina gravi,' &c. And this is enough to satis-
fy the curiosity of those who believe that invention and
fancy ought to be measured (like cases in law) by pre-
cedents, or else ihey are in the power of the critic

102 HUDIBRAS.

But those that write in rhyme, still make

The one verse for the other's sake ;

"For one for sense, and one for rhyme,

I think's sufficient at one time. 30

But we forget in what sad plight
We whilom left the captive Knight
And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body,
And conjur'd into safe custody.
Tir'd with dispute and speaking Latin, 35

As well as basting and bear-baiting,
And desperate of any course.
To free himself by wit or force,
His only solace was, that now
His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 40

That either it must quickly end,
Or turn about again, and mend ;
In which he found th' event, no less
Than other times, beside his guess.

There is a tall long-sided dame, •^

(But wondrous hght,) ycleped Fame,
That, like a thin cameleon, boards
Herself on air, and eats her words ;
Upon her shoulders wings she wears
Like hanging sleeves lui'd through with ears, 50
And eyes, and tongues, as poets list,
Made good by deep mythologist :
With these she through the welkin flies,
And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ;
With letters hung, like eastern pigeons, 55
And mercuries of farthest regions ;
Diurnals writ for regulation
Of lying, to inform the nation;
And by their public use to brin^ down
The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60
About her neck a pacquet-mail.
Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale,
Of men that walk'd when they were dead,
And cows of monsters brought to bed ;
Of hail-stones big as pullets' eggs, 65

And puppiee whelp'd with twice two legs ;
A blazing-star seen in the west,
By six or seven men at least.

PART ir.— CANTO I. 103

Two trumpets she doth sound at once,
But both of dean contrary tones ; 70

But whether both in tlie same wind,
Or one before, and one behind,
We know not ; only this can tell,
The one sounds vilely, th' other well ;
And therefore vulgar authors name 75

Th' one Good, th' other Evil, Fame.
This tattling gossip knew too well
What miscliief Hadibras befel.
And straight the spiteful tidings bears
Of all to th' unkind widow's ears. 80

Democritus ne'er laugh'd so loud.

To see bawds carted through the crowd,

Or funerals with stately pomp

March slowly on in solemn dump,

As slie laugh'd out, until her back, 85

As well as sides, was like to crack.

She vow'd she would go see the sight.

And visit the distressed Knight ;

To do the office of a neighbour.

And be a gossip at his labour ; 90

And from his wooden jail, the stocks,

To set at large his fetter-locks ;

And by exchange, parole, or ransom,

To free him from th' enchanted mansion,

This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 95

And usher, implements abroad

Wliich ladies wear, beaide a slender

Young waiting-damsel to attend her.

All which appearing, on she went,

To find the Knight in hmbo pent : 100

And 'twas not long before she found

Him, and the stout Squire, in the pound ;

Both coupled in enchanted tether,

By farther leg behind together.

For as he sat upon his rump, 105

His head, like one in doleful dump.

Between his knees, his hands apply'd

Unto his ears on either side.

And by him, in another hole,

AiSicted Ralpho, cheek by jowl ; 110

104 HUDIBRAS.

She came upon him in his wooden

Magician's circle, on tlie sudden,

As spirits do t' a conjuror,

When in their dreadful shapes th' appear.

No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115
But straight he fell into a fever,
Inflam'd all over with disgrace.
To be seen by her in such a place ;
Which made him hang his head, and scowl,
And wink and goggle Uke an owl. 120

He felt his brains begin to swim,
When tiius the dame accosted liim :

This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted.
And with delinquent spirits haunted.
That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125
Until their guilty crimes be purg'd :
Look, there are two of them appear,
Like persons I have seen somewhere.
Some having mistaken blocks and posts
For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130

With saucer eyes, and horns ; and some
Have heard the devU beat a drum ;
But if our eyes are not false glasses.
That give a wrong account of faces.
That beard and T should be acquainted, 135
Before 'twas conjur'd or enchanted ;
For though it be disfigur'd somewhat,
^s if 't had lately been in combat,
jt did belong to a worthy knight,
Howe er this goblin has come by't. 140

When Hudibras the lady heard
Discoursing thus upon his beard.
And speak with such respect and honour
Both of the beard and the beard's owner,
He thought it best to set as good 145

A face upon it as he cou'd,
And thus he spoke : Lady, your bright
And radiant eyes are in the right :
The beard's th' identic beard you knew,
The same numerically true ; - 150

Nor is it worn by fiend or elf,
But its proprietor himself.

» -

#

£nX»JtA,

HARTFORD, AVrMANDTll-S .

PART IL— CANTO I. 105

O heavens ! quoth she, can that be true?
T do begin to fear 'tis you :
Not by your individual whiskers, 155

But by your dialect and discourse,
That never spoke to man or beast
In notions vulgarly exprest.
But what malignant star, alas !
Has brought you both to this sad pass? 160

Quoth lie, The fortune of the war,
Which I am less afflicted for.
Than to be seen with beard and face,
By you in such a homely case.

Quoth slie, Those need not be asham'd 165
For being honourably maim'd ;
If he that is in battle conquer'd
Have any title to his own beard.
Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn,
It does your visage more adorn 170

Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lan-
And cut square by the Piussian standard, [der'd,
A torn beard's like a tatter'd ensign,
That's bravest which there are most rents in.
That petticoat about your shoulders 175

Does not so well become a soldier's ;
And I'm afraid they are worse handled,
Altliough i' th' rear, your beard the van led ;
And those uneasy bruises make
My heart for company to ake, 180

To see so worshipful a friend
I' th' pillory set, at the wrong end.

Quotli Hudibras, This thing call'd pain
Is (as the learned Stoics maintain)
Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 185

But merely as 'tis vmderstood.
Sense is deceitful, and many feign
As well in counterfeiting pain
As other gross phenomenas.
In which it ofl mistakes the case. 190

But since th' immortal intellect
(That's free from error and defect,
Whose objects still persist the same)
Is free from outward bruise and maim,
F2

106 HUDIBRAS.

Which nought external can expose 195

To gross material bangs or blows,

It follows we can ne'er be sure

Whether we pain or not endure ;

And just so far are sore and griev'd,

As by the fancy is believ'd. 200

Some have been wounded with conceit,

And died of mere opinion straight ;

Others, tho' wounded sore in reason,

Felt no contusion, nor discretion.

A Saxon duke did grow so fat, 205

The mice (as histories relate)

Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in

His postic parts, without his feeling :

Then how is't possible a kick

Should e'er reach that way to the quick ? 210

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain
For one that's basted to feel pain.
Because the pangs his bones endure
Contribute nothing to the cure :
Yet honour hurt is wont to rage 215

With pain no med'cine can assuage.

Quoth he. That honour's very squeamish
That takes a basting for a blemish ;
For what's more hon'rable tlian scars,
Or skin to tatters rent in wars ? 220

Some have been beaten till they know
What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow ;
Some kick'd until they can feel whether
A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ;
And yet have met, after long running, 225

With some whom they have taught that cun-
The farthest way about t' o'ercome, [ning.
In th' end does prove the nearest home.
By laws of learned duellists.
They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230
And think one beating may for once
Suffice, are cowards and paltroons :
But if they dare engage t' a second.
They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd.

205. The history of the Duke of Saxony is not so
strange as that of a bishop, bis countryman, who was
quite eaten up witlt rats and mice-

PART II.— CANTO I. 107

Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235
Our princes worsliip, with a blow.
King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetic
And testy courtiers with a kick.
The Negus, when some mighty lord
Or potentate's to be restor'd, 240

And pardon'd for some great offence,
With which he's willing to dispense.
First has him laid upon his belly,
Then beaten back and side to a jelly ;
That done, he rises, humbly bows, 245

And gives thanks for the princely blows ;
Departs not meanly proud, and boasting
Of his magnificent rib-roasting.
The beaten soldier proves most manful.
That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 250
And justly's held more formidable,
The more his valour's malleable :
But he that fears a bastinado
Will run away from his own shadow :
And though I'm now in durance fast, 255

By our own party basely cast,
Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd,
And worse than by the en'my us'd :
In close catasta shut, past hope
Of wit or valour to elope ; 260

As beards the nearer that they tend
To th' earth still grow more reverend ,
And cannons shoot the higher pitches.
The lower we let down their breeches ;
I'll make this lov/ dejected fate . 265

Advance me to a greater height.

Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love
With that which did my pity move.
Great wits and valours, like great states,
Do sometimes sink with their own weights : 270

i237. Pyrrhus, king of Epirus, as Pliny says, had this
occult quality in his toe, ' Pollicis in dextro pede tactu
lienosis medebatur,' 1. 7. c. 1].

959. Catasia is but a pair of stocks in English. But
heroical poetry must not admit of any vulgar word (espe-
cially of paltry signification,) and therefore some of our
modern authors are fain to import foreign words from
8broad,that were never before heard of in our language.

108 HUDIBRAS.

Th' extremes of glory and of shame,

Like east and west, become the same :

No Indian prince has to his palace

More foll'wers than a thief to th' gallows.

But if a beating seem so brave, 275

'\Miat glories iSust a whipping have?

Such great achievements cannot fail

To cast salt on a woman's tail :

For if I thought your nat'ral talent

Of passive courage were so gallant, 280

As you strain hard to have it thought,

I could grow amorous, and dote.

When Hudibras this language heard.
He prick'd up's ears, and strok'd his beard :
Tliought he, this is the lucky hour ; 285

Wines work when vines are in the flow'r.
This crisis then I'll set my rest on.
And put her boldly to the question.

Madam, what you would seem to doubt.
Shall be to all the world made out, 290

How I've been drubb'd, and with what spirit
And magnanimity I bear it ;
And if you doubt it to be true,
I'll stake myself down against you :
And if I fail in love or troth, 295

Be you the winner, and take both.

Quoth she, I've heard old cunning stagers
Say, fools for arguments use wagers ;
And though I prais'd your valour, yet
I did not mean to baidk your wit ; 300

Which if you have, you must needs know
What I have told you before now.
And you b' experiment have prov'd,
I cannot love where I'm belov'd.

Quoth Hudibras, 'tis a caprich 305

Beyond th' infliction of a witch ;
So cheats to play witli those still aim
That do not understand the game.
Love in your heart as idly bums
As fire in antique Roman urns, 310

To warm the dead, and vainly light
Those only that see nothing by't.

PART ir.— CANTO I. 109.

Have you not power to entertain,

And render love for love again ;

As no man can draw in his breath 315

At once, and force out air beneatli ?

Or do you love yourself so much,

To bear all rivals else a grutch ?

What fate can lay a greater curse

Than you upon yourself would force? 320

For wedlock without love, some say,

Is but a lock without a key.

It is a kind of rape to marry

One that neglects, or cares not for ye :

For what does make it ravishment, 325

But b'ing against the mind's consent?

A rape that is the more inhuman

For being acted by a woman.

Why are you fair, but to entice us

To love you, that you may despise us? 338

But though you cannot love, you say,

Out of your own fanatic way,

AVhy should you not at least allow

Those that love you to do so too ?

For, as you fly me, and pursue 335

Love more averse so I do you ;

And am by your own doctrine taught

To practise what you call a fau't.

Quoth she. If what you say is true,
You must fly me as I do you ; 340

But 'tis not what we do but say,
In love and preaching that must sway.

Quoth he, To bid me not to love,
Is to forbid my pulse to move.
My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 345
Or (when I'm in a fit) to hiccup :
Command me to piss out the moon,
And 'twill as easily be done.
Love's power's too great to be withstood
By feeble human flesh and blood. 350

'Twas he that brought upon his knees
The hect'ring, kill-cow Hercules ;
Traasform'd his leager-lion's skin
T' a petticoat, and made him spin;

110 HUDIBRAS.

Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle 355

T' a feeble distaff and a spindle.

'Twas he that made emp'rors gallants

To their own sisters and their aunts ;

Set popes and cardinals agog,

To play with.pages at leap-frog. 360

'Twas he that gave our senate purges,

And flux'd the house of many a burgess ;

Made those that represent the nation

Submit, and suffer amputation ;

And all tlie grandees o' th' cabal 365

Adjourn to tubs at spring and fall.

He mounted synod-men, and rode 'em

To Dirty Lane and little Sodom ;

Made 'em curvet like Spanish jenets,

And take the ring at Madam 870

'Twas he that made Saint Francis do
More than the devil could tempt him to,
In cold and frosty weather grow
Enamour'd of a wife of snow ;
And though she were of rigid temper, 375

With melting flames accost and tempt her ;
Which after in enjoyment quenching,
He hung a garland on his engine.

Quoth she, if love hath these effects,
Why is it not forbid our sex ? 380

Why is't not damn'd and interdicted,
For diabolical and wicked ?
And sung, as out of tune, against.
As Turk and pope are by the saints?
I find I've greater reason for it, 385

Than I believ'd before, t' abhor it.

Quoth Hudibras, These sad effects
Spring from your heathenish neglects
Of Love's great pow'r, which he returns
Upon yourselves with equal scorns ; 390

371. The ancient writers of the lives of saints were
of the same sort of people who first writ of Itnight-er-
rantry ; and as in the one they rendered the brave ac-
tions of some great persons ridiculous, by their prodigi-
ous lies, and sottish way of describing them, so they
have abused the piety of some devout persons, 1^ iiu
posing such stories on them as this upon St. Francis.

PART II.— CANTO I. Ill

And those who worthy lovers slight,

Plagues with prepost'rous appetite.

This made the beauteous queen of Crete

To take a town-bull for her sweet,

And from her greatness stoop so low, 395

To be the rival of a cow :

Others to prostitute their great hearts,

To be baboons' and monkeys' sweethearts ;

Some with the dev'l himself in league grow,

By's representative a Negro. 400

'Twas this made vestal maid love-sick,

And venture to be bury'd quick :

Some by their fathers, and their brothers,

To be made mistresses and mothers.

'Tis this that proudest dames enamours 405

On lacqueys and valets de chambres ;

Their haughty stomachs overcomes,

And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms;

To slight the world, and to disparage

Claps, issue, infamy, and marriage. 41C

Quoth she. These judgments are severe,
Yet such as I should rather bear
Than trust men with their oaths, or prove
Their faith and secresy in love.

Says he. There is as weighty reason 415
For secresy in love as treason.
Love is a burglarer, a felon,
That at the windore-eye does steal in,
To rob the heart, and with his prey
Steals out again a closer way, 420

Which whosoever can discover.
He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer.
Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles
In men as nat'rally as in charcoals.
Which sooty chemists stop in holes, 425

When out of wood they extract coals :
So lovers should their passions choke,
That, tho' they burn, they may not smoke.

393. The history of Pasiphae is common enough :
only this may be observed, that though she brought the
bull a son and heir, yet the husband was fain to father
it, as appears by the name ; perhaps, because being an
island, he was within the four seas when the infant
was begotten.

112 HUDIBRAS.

'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole

And dragg'd beasts backward into's hole : 439

So Love does lovers, and us men

Draws by the tails into his den,

That no impression may discover,

And trace t' his cave the wary lover.

But if you doubt I should reveal 435

What you entrust me under seal,

I'll prove myself as close and virtuous

As your own secretary Albertus.

Quoth she, I grant you may be close

In hiding what your aims propose. 440

Love-passions are like parables,

By which men still mean something else.

Though love be all the world's pretence,

Money's the mythologic sense ;

The real substance of the shadow, 445

Which all address and courtship's made to.
Thought he, I understand your play,

And how to quit you your own way :

He tliat will win his dame must do

As Love does when he bends his bow; 450

With one hand thrust the lady from,

And with the other pull her home.

I grant, quoth he, wealth is a great

Provocative to am'rous heat :

It is all philtres, and high diet, 455

That makes love rampant, and to fly out:

'Tis beauty always in the flower,

That buds and blossoms at fourscore :

'Tis that by which the sun and moon

At their own weapons are outdone : 460

That makes knights-errant fall in trances,

And lay about 'em in romances :

'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all

That men divine and sacred call :

For what is worth in any thing, 465

But so much money as 'twill bring ?

Or what but riches is there known,

Which man can solely call his own ;

438. Albertus Magnus was a Swedisti bishop, who
wrote a very learned work, ' De Secrelis Mulierum.'

PART II.— CA?>TO I. 113

In which no creature goes his half,

Unless it be to squint and laugh ? 470

I do confess with goods and land,

I'd have a wife at second-hand ;

And such you are. Nor is't your person

My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on ;

But 'tis (your better part) your riches, 475

That my enamour'd heart bewitches.

Let me your fortune but possess,

And settle your person how you please :

Or make it o'er in trust to th' devil ;

You'll find me reasonable and civil. 480

Quoth she, I like this plainness better
Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter,
Or any feat of qualm or sowning.
But hanging of yourself, or drowning.
Your only way with me to break 485

Your mind, is breaking of your neck ;
For as when merchants break, o'erthrown
Like nine-pins, they strike others down.
So that would break my heart, which done,
My tempting fortune is your own. 490

These are but trifles ; ev'ry lover
Will damn himself over and over.
And greater matters undertake
For a less worthy mistress' sake :
Yet th' are the only way to prove 495

Th' unfcign'd realities of love :
For he that hangs, or beats out's brains,
.The devil's in him if he feigns.

Quoth Hudibras, This way's too rough
For mere experiment and proof: 500

It is no jesting trivial matter,
To swing i' th' air, or douce in water.
And, like a water-witch, try love ;
That's to destroy, and not to prove :
As if a man should be dissected 505

To find what part is disatfected.
Your better way is to niake over.
In trust, your fortune to your lover,

470. Pliny in his Natural History, affirin9,that, 'Unl
aninialiuni homini oculi dipravantur, unde cognomiaa
Strabonum et Paetorum.' Lib 2.

114 HUDIBRAS.

Trust is a trial ; if it break,
'Tis not so despVate as a neck. 510

Beside, th' experiment's more certain ;
]\Ten venture necks to gain a fortune :
The soldier does it ev'ry day
(Eight to the week) for six-pence pay :
Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 515

To share with knaves in cheating fools :
And merchants, venturing through the main,
Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain.
This is the way I advise you to :
Trust me, and see what I will do. 520

Quoth she, I should be loth to run

Myself all th' hazard, and you none;

Which must be done, unless some deed

Of yours aforesaid do precede.

Give yourself one gentle swing, 525

For trial, and I'll cut the string :

Or give that rev'rend head a iftaul,

Or two, or three, against a wall.

To show you are a man of mettle,

And I'll engage myself to settle. 530

Quoth he, My head's not made of brass,

As Friar Bacon's noddle was.

Nor (like the Indian's skull) so tough.

That authors say, 'twas musket-proof;

As it had need to be, to enter, 535

As j'et, on any new adventure :

You see what bangs it has endur'd,

That would, before new feats be cur'd :

But if that's all you stand upon.

Here, strike me luck, it shall be done. 540

Quoth she. The matter's not so far gone

As you suppose : two words t' a bargain :

532. The traditionof Friar Bacon and tlieBrazen Head
is very commonly known ; and, considering the times he
lived in, is not much more strange than what another
great philosopher of his name has deli vered up of a ring,
that being tied in a string, and held like a pendulum in
the middle of a silver bowl, will vibrate of itself, and
tell exactly against the sides of the divining cup, the
aa.me thing with, Time is, time was, &c.

533. American Indians, among whom (the same au
thors affirm) there areollieis whose skulls are so soft, lo
use their own words, ' Ut digito perforari possunt.'

PART H.— CANTO I. 115

That may be done, and time enough,

When you have given downright proof:

And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 545

I have to love, nor coy dishke :

'Tis no imphcit, nice aversion

T' your conversation, mien, or person,

But a just fear, lest you should prove

False and perfidious in love : 550

For if I thought you could be true,

I could love twice as much as you.

Ojioth he. My faith, as adamantine
As iJiains of destiny, I'll maintain :
True as Apollo ever spoke, 555

Or oracle from heart of oak :
And if you'll give my flame but vent.
Now in close hugger-mugger pent.
And shine upon me but benignly,
With that one and that other pigsney, 560

The sun and day shall sooner part,
Than love of you shake off my heart ;
The sun, that shall no more dispense
His own, but your bright influence.
I'll carve your name on barks of trees, 565
With true-love's-knots and flourishes,
That shall infuse eternal spring,
And everlasting flourishing ;
Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum.
And make it brisk champagne become : 570
Where'er you tread, your foot shall set
The primrose and the violet :
All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders,
Shall borrow from your breath their odours :
Nature her charter shall renew, 575

And take all lives of things from you ;
The world depend upon your eye.
And when you frown upon it, die :
Only our loves shall still survive,
New worlds and natures to outlive, 580

And, like to heralds' moons, remain
All crescents, without change or wane.

536, Jupiter's oracle in Epirus, near the city of Dodo-
na, ' Ubi nemus erat Jovi sacrum. Querneum totutn,
in quo Joyis Dodonsei templum fuisse narratur.'

lis HUDIBRAS.

Hold, hold, quoth she ; no more of this,
Sir Knight ; you take your aim amiss :
For you will find it a hard chapter 585

To catch me with poetic rapture,
III which your mastery of art
Doth shew itself, and not your heart :
Nor will you raise in mine combustion
By dint of high heroic fustian. 590

She that with poetry is won,
Is but a desk to write upon ;
And what men say of her, they mean
No more than on the thing they lean.
Some with Arabian spices strive 595

T' embalm her cruelly alive ;
Or season her, as French cooks use
Their haut-gouts, bouillies, or ragouts:
Use her so barbarously ill,
To grind her lips upon a mill, 600

Until the facet doublet doth
Fit their rhymes rather than her mouth :
Her mouth compar'd to an oyster's, with
A row of pearl in't — 'stead of teeth.
Others make posies of her cheeks, 605

Where red and whitest colours mix ;
In which the lily, and the rose,
For Indian lake and ceruse goes.
The sun and moon by her bright eyes
Echps'd and darken'd in the skies, 610

Are but black patches, that she wears,
Cut into suns, and moons, and stars :
By which astrologers, as well
As those in heav'n above, can tell
What strange events they do foreshow 615
Unto her under-world below.
Her voice, the music of the spheres,
So loud, it deafens mortals*^ ears,
As wise philosophers have thought ;
And that's the cause we hear it not. 620

This has been done by some, who those
Th' ador'd in rhyme would kick in prose ;
And in those ribbons would have hung,
Of which melodiously they sung ;

PART n.— CANTO I. 117

Tliat have the hard fate to write best 625

Of those still that deserve it least ;

It matters not how false or forc'd,

So the best things be said o' th' worst :

It goes for nothing when 'tis said ;

Only the arrow's drawn to th' head, 630

Whether it be a swan or goose

They level at : so shepherds use

To set the same mark on the hip

Both of their sound and rotten sheep :

For wits, that carry low or wide, 635

Must be aim'd higher, or beside

The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh,

But when they take their aim awry.

But I do wonder you should choose

This way t' attack me with your Muse, 640

As one cut out to pass your tricks on,

With fulhams of poetic fiction ;

I rather hop'd I should no more

Hear from you o' th' gallanting score :

For hard dry-bastings us'd to prove 645

The readiest remedies of love ;

Next a dry-diet ; but if those fail,

Tet this uneasy loop-hol'd jail,

In which y' are hamper'd by the fetlock.

Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock : 650

Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here,

If that may serve you for a cooler ;

T' allay your mettle, all agog

Upon a wife, the heavier clog :

Nor rather thank your gentler fate, 655

That for a bruis'd or broken pate

Has freed you from those knobs that grow

Much harder on the marry'd brow ;

But if no dread can cool your courage,

From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage, 660

Yet give me quarter, and advance

To nobler aims your puissance :

Level at beauty and at wit ;

The fairest mark is easiest hit.

Quoth Hudibras, I'm beforehand 665

In that already, with your command ;

118 HUDIBRAS.

For where does beauty and high wit
But m your constellation meet ?

Quoth she, What does -a match imply,
But likeness and equality ? 670

I know you cannot think me fit
To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit ;
Nor take one of so mean deserts,
To be the partner of your parts ;
A grace, which, if I cou'd believe, 075

I've not the conscience to receive.

That conscience, quoth Hudibras,
Is misinform'd : I'll state the case :
A man may be a legal donor
Of any thing whereof he's owner, 680

Aad may confer it where he lists,
I' th' judgment of all casuists ;
Then wit, and pa-ts, and valour, may
Be ali'nated, and made away.
By those that are proprietors, 685

As I may give or sell my horse.

Quoth she, I grant the case is true.
And proper 'twixt your horse and you ;
But whether I may take as well
As you may give away or sell .-' 690

Buyers, you know, are bid beware ;
And worse than thieves receivers are.
How shall I answer hue and cry.
For a roan-gelding, twelve hands high.
All spurr'd and switch'd, a lock on 's hoof, 695
A sorrel mane? Can I bring proof
Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold
And in the open market toll'd for?^ [for,

Or should I take you for a stray.
You must be kept a year and day 700

(Ere I can own you) here i' th' pound,
Where, if y' are sought, you may be found :
And in the meantime I must pay
For all your provender and hay.

Quoth he. It stands me much upon 705

T' enervate this objection.
And prove myself, by topic clear,
No gelding, as you would mfer.

PART II.— CANTO I. 119

Loss of virility's aven-'d
To be the cause of loss of beard, 710

That does (like embryo in the womb)
Abortive on the chin become.
This first a woman did invent,
In envy of man's ornament;
Semiramis of Babylon, 715

Who first of all cut men o' th' stone,
^To mar their beards, and lay foundation
Of sow-geldering operation.
Look on this beard, and tell me whether
Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either i" 720
Next it appears I am no horse ;
That I can argue and discourse ;
Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail.

Quoth she, That nothing will avail ;
For some philosophers of late here, 725

Write men have four legs by nature,
And that 'tis custom makes them go
Erron'ously upon but two ;
As 'twas in Germany made good
B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 730

And growing down t' a man, was wont
With wolves upon all four to hunt.
As for your reasons drawn from tails,
We cannot say they're true or false.
Till you explain yourself, and shew, 735

B' experiment, 'tis so or no.

Quoth he, If you'll join issue on't,
I'll give you satisfactory account;
So you will promise, if you lose.
To settle all, and be my spouse. 740

715. Semiramis, queen of Assyria, is said to be the
first that invented eunuchs. ' Semiramis teneros mares
castravit omnium prima' Am. Marcel- 1. 34. p. 12.
Which is something strange in a lady of her constitu-
tion, who is said to have received horses into her em-
braces; but that, perhaps, may be the reason why she
afterwards thought men not worth the while.

725. Sir K. D. in his Book of Bodies, wlio has this
story of the German Boy, which he endeavours lo make
good by several natural reasons ; by which tliose who
have the dexterity to believe what they please may be
tally gatiefied of the probability of it.

120 HUDIBRAS.

That never shall be done (quoth she)
To one that wants a tail, by me :
For tails by nature sure were meant,
As well as beards for ornament :
And though the vulgar count tliem homely, 745
In men or beast they are so comely,
So jantee, alamode, and handsome,
ril never marry man that wants one ;
And till you can demonstrate plain,
You have one equal to your mane, 759

I'll be torn piecemeal by a horse.
Ere I'll take you for better or worse.
The Prince of Cambay's daily food
Is asp, and basilisk, and toad,
Which makes him have so strong a breath, 755
Each night he stinks a queen to death ;
Yet I shall rather lie in 's arms
Than yours, on any other terms.

Quoth he, What nature can afford
I shall produce, upon my word ; 760

And if she ever gave that boon
To man, Fll prove that I have one ;
I mean by postulate illation.
When you shall oiFer just occasion :
But since y' have yet deny"d to give 765

My heart, your pris ner, a reprieve.
But make it sink down to my heel.
Let that at least your pity feel ;
And, for the sufferings of your martyr,
Give its poor entertainer quarter ; 770

And, by discharge or mainprize, grant
DelivVy from this base restraint.

Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg
Stuck in a hole here like a peg;
And if I knew which way to do't, 775

(Your honour safe) I'd let you out.
That dames by jail delivery
Of errant-knights have been set free.
When by enchantment they have been,
And sometimes for it, too, laid in, 780

Is that which knights are bound to do
By order, oath, and honour too :

PART II.— CANTO I. 121

Tor what are they renown'd and famous else,

But aiding of distressed damosels ?
But for a lady, no ways errant, 785

To free a knight, we have no warrant
In any authentical romance.
Or classic author yet of France ;
And I'd be loth to have you break
An ancient custom for a freak, 790

Or innovation introduce
la place of things of antique use,
To frc-.a your heels by any course.
That might b' unwholesome to your spurs;
Which, if I should consent unto, 795

It is not in my pow'r to do ;
For 'tis a service must be done ye
With solemn previous ceremony,
Which always has been us'd t' untie
The charms of those who here do lie : 800

For as tho ancients heretofore
To Honour's temple had no door
But that which through Virtue's lay,
So from this dungeon there's no way
To honour'd freedom, but by passing 905

That other virtuous school of lashing,
Where knights are kept in narrow lists,
With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ;
In which they for a while are tenants,
And for their ladies suffer penance : 810

Whipping, that's Virtue's governess,
Tut'ress of arts and sciences ;
That mends the gross mistakes of Nature,
And puts new life into dull matter ;
That lays foundation for renown, 815

And all the honours of the gown.
This suffor'd, they are set at large,
And freed with hon'rable discharge.
Then in their robes the penitentials
Are straight presented with credentials, 820
And in their way attended on
By magistrates of ev'ry town :
And, all respect and charges paid.
They're to theit ancient seats convey'd,
G

122 HUDIBRAS.

Now if yau'll venture, for my sake, 825

To try the toughness of your back,

And suffer (as the rest have done)

The laying of a whipping on '

(And may you prosper ui your suit,

As you with equal vigour do't,) 830

I here engage myself to loose ye,

And free your heels from Caperdewsie.

But since our sex's modesty

Will not allow I should be by,

Bring me, on oath, a fair q,ccount, 835

And honour too, when you have done't,

And ril admit you to the place

You claim as due in my good grace.

If matrimony and hangbg go

By dest'ny, why not whipping too ? 840

What med'cine else can cure the fits

Of lovers when they lose their wits ?

Love is a boy by poets styl'd ;

Then spare the rod, and spoil the child.

A Persian emperor whipp'd his grannam, 845

The sea, his mother Venus came on ;

And hence some rev 'rend men approve

Of rosemary in making love.

As skilful coopers hoop their tubs

With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, 850

Why may not whipping have as good

A grace ? performed in time and mood.

With comely movement, and by art,

Raise passion in a lady's heart f

It is an easier way to make 855

Love by, than that which many take.

Who would not rather suffer whipping,

Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon ?

Make wicked versos, treats, and faces,

And spell names over with beer-glasses ; 860

Be under vows to hang and die

Love's sacrifice, and all a lie ?

With China-oranges, and tarts.

And whining plays, lay halts for hearts ?

845. Xerxes, who used to whip the seas and wind.
'In eorura atque Eurum solitus see^ire flageliis.' Jav
Bat. 10.

PART IL— CANTO I. 123

Bribe chamber-maids, with love and money, 865

To break no roguish jests upon ye?

For hlies limn'd on cheeks, and roses,

With painted perfumes, hazard noses ?

Or, venturing to be brisk and wanton,

Do penance in a paper lantern ? 870

Ail this you may compound for now,

By suffering what I offer you ;

Which is no more than has been done

By knights for ladies long agone.

Did not the great La Mancha do so 875

For the Infanta del Toboso ?

Did not th' illustrious Bassa make

Himself a slave for Miss's sake?

And with bull's pizzle, for her love,

Was taw'd as gentle as a glove ? 880

Was not young Florio sent (to cool

His flame for Biancafiore) to school.

Where pedant made his pathic bum

For her sake suffer martyrdom?

Did not a certain lady whip 885

Of late her husband's own lordship?

And though a grandee of the house,

Claw'd him with fundamental blows ;

Ty'd him stark naked to a bed-post,

And firk'd his hide, as if sh' had rid post ; 890

And after in the sessions-court.

Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't ;

This swear you will perform and then

I'll set you from the enchanted den.

And the magician's circle clear. 895

Quoth he, I do profess and swear.
And will perform what you enjoin.
Or may I never see you mine.

Amen (quoth she ;) then turn'd about,
And bid her Squire let him out. 900

But ere an artist could be found
T' undo the charms another bound.
The sun grew low, and left the skies,
Put down (some write) by ladies' eyes.
The moon pull'd off her veil of light, 905

That hides her face by day from sight

124 HUDIBRAS.

(Mysterious veil, of brightness made,

That's both her lustre and her shade,)

And in the lantern of the night

With shining horns hung out her light ; 910

For darkness is the proper sphere,

Where all false glories use t' appear.

The twinkling stars began to muster,

And glitter with their borrow'd lustre,

While sleep the weary'd world reliev'd, 915

By counterfeiting death reviv'd.

His whipping penance till the mom

Our vofry thought it best t' adjourn,

And not to carry on a work

Of such importance in the dark, 920

With erring haste, but rather stay.

And do't in the open face of day ;

And in the mean time go in quest

Of next retreat to take his rest.

CANTO II.

The Knight and Squire, in hot dispute,
Witliin an ace of falling out,
Are parted with a sudden fright
Of strange alarm, and stranger sight;
With which adventuring to stickle,
They're sent away in nasty pickle.

'T4S strange how some men's tempers sui.

(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute,

That for their own opinions stand fast

Only to have them claw'd and canvast;

That keep their consciences in cases, 5

As fiddlers do their crowds and bases.

Ne'er to be us'd but when they're bent •

To play a fit for argument ;

Make true and false, unjust and just,

Of no use but to'be discust ; IC

Dispute, and set a paradox

Like a strait boot upon the stocks.

And stretch it more unmercifully

Than Helmont, Montaigne, White, or Tully.

PART II.— CANTO II. 125

So th' ancient Stoics, in their porch, 15

With fierce dispute maintain'd their church ;

Beat out their brains in fight and study,

To prove that virtue is a body ;

That bonum is an animal,

Made good with stout polemic brawl ; 20

In which some hundreds on the place

Were slain outright ; and many a face

Retrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard,

To maintain what their sect averr'd.

All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, 25

Had like t' have suffer'd for their faith ;

Each striving to make good his own,

As by the sequel shall be shown.

The sun had long since, in the lap
Of Thetis, taken out his nap, 30

And, like a lobster boil'd, the mom
From black to red began to turn,
When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aking
'Twixt sleeping kept all night and waking,
Eegan to rub his drowsy eyes, 35

And from his couch prepar'd to rise.
Resolving to dispatch the deed
He vow'd to do with trusty speed :
But first, with knocking loud, and bawling.
He rous"d the Squire, in truckle lolling : 40
And, after many circumstances.
Which vulgar authors, in romances.
Do use to spend their time and wits on,
To make impertinent description,
They got (with much ado). to horse, 45

And to the castle bent their course.
In which he to the dame before
To suffer whipping duly swore ;

15. ' In porticu (Stoicorum Schola Athenis) disclpu-
lorum sedilionibus mille quadringenti triginta cives in-
terfecti sunt.' Diog. Laert. in vita Zenonis, p. 38S.
Those old virtuosos were betler proficients in these ex-
ercises than modern, who seldom improve Jiiglier than
cuffing and kicking.

19. Bonum is such a kind of animal as our modern vir-
tuosi from Don Quixote will have windmills,under sail,
to be. The same authors are of opinion, that ail shipB are
fishes while they are afloat ; but when they are run on
ground, or laid up in the dock, become ships again.

126 HUDIBRAS.

Where now arriv'd, and half unharnest,

To carry on the work in earnest, 50

He stopp'd, and paus'd upon the sudden,

And with a serious forehead plodding,

Sprung a new scruple in his head,

Which first he scratch'd, and after said —

Whether it be direct infringing _ 55

An oath, if I should wave this swingeing,

And what I've sworn to bear, forbear.

And so b' equivocation swear.

Or whether it be a lesser sin

To be forsworn than act the thing, 60

Are deep and subtle pomts, which must,

T' inform my conscience, be discust;

In which to err a little may

To errors infinite make way :

And therefore I desire to know 65

Tliy judgment ere we farther go.

Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin't,
I shall enlarge upon the point ;
And, for my own part, do not doubt
Til' affirmative may be made out. 70

But first, to state the case aright,
For best advantage of our light.
And thus 'tis : Whether 't be a sin .
To claw and curry your own skin,
Greater or less, than to forbear, T5

And that you are forsworn, forswear.
But first, o' th' first : The mward man.
And outward, Uke a clan and clan.
Have always been at daggers-drawing.
And one another clapper-clawing. 80

Not that they really cuff, or fence,
But in a spiritual mystic sense ;
Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble,
In literal fray 's abominable.
'Tis heathenish, in frequent use 85

With Pagans and apostate Jews,
To offer sacrifice of bridewells.
Like modem Indians to their idols ;
And mongrel Christians of our times,
That expiate less with greater crimes, 90

PART II.— CANTO II. 127

And call the foul abomination

Contrition and mortification.

Is 't not enough we're bruis'd and kicked

With sinful members of the wicked ;

Our vessels, that are sanctify'd, 95

Profan'd and curry 'd back and side ;

But we must claw ourselves with shameful

And heathen stripes, by their example ;

Which (were there nothing to forbid it)

Is impious, because they did it : 100

This, therefore, may be justly reckoned

A heinous sin. Now to the second :

That saints may claim a dispensation

To swear and forswear, on occasion,

I doubt not but it will appear 105

With pregnant light : the point is clear.

Oaths are but words, and words but wind ;

Too feeble implements to bind ;

And hold with deeds proportion so

As shadows to a substance do. 110

Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit

The weaker vessel should submit.

Although your church be opposite

To ours as Black Friars are to White,

In rule and order, yet I grant, 115

You are a Reformado Saint ;

And what the saints do claim as due.

You may pretend a title to :

But saints whom oaths and vows oblige,

Know httle of their privilege ; 120

Farther (I mean) than carrying on

Some self-advantage of their own ;

For if the dev'l, to serve his turn.

Can tell truth, why the saints should scorn,

When it serves theirs, to swear and lie, 125

I think there's little reason why :

Else h' has a greater power than they,

Which 'twere impiety to say.

W' are not commanded to forbear

Indefinitely at all to swear ; 130

But to swear idly, and in vain,

Without self-interest or gain :

123 HUDIBRAS.

For breaking of an oath, and lying,

Is but a kind of self-denying ;

A saint-like virtue : and from hence 135

Some have broke oaths by Providence ;

Some, to the glory of the Lord,

PerjurM themselves, and broke their word ;

And this the constant rule and practice

Of all our late Apostles' acts is. 140

Was not the cause at first begun

With perjury, and carried on?

Was there an oath the godly took,

But in due time and place they broke ?

Did we not bring our oaths in first, 145

Before our plate, to have them burst,

And cast in fitter models for

The present use of church and war ?

Did not our worthies of the house.

Before they broke the peace, break vows ? 150

For having freed us first from both

Th' allegiance and supremacy oath.

Did they not next compel the nation

To take and break the protestation ?

To swear, and after to recant 155

The solemn league and covenant?

To take th' engagement, and disclaim it,

Enforc'd by those who first did frame it?

Did they not swear, at first, to fight

For the king's safety and his right, 160

And after march'd to find him out,

A'nd charg'd him home with horse and foot ;

But yet still had the confidence

To swear it was in his defence .

Did they not swear to live and die 165

With Essex, and straight laid him by ?

If that were all, for some have swore

As false as they, if th' did no more.

Did they not swear to maintain law.

In which that swearing made a flaw ? 170

For Protestant religion vow.

That did that vowing disallow ?

For privilege of Parliament,

In which that swearing made a rent <•

PART II.— CANTO II. 129

And since, of all the three, not one 175

Is left in being, 'tis well known.
Did they not swear, in express words,
To prop and back the House of Lords,
And after tum'd out the whole house-full
Of peers, as dang'rous and unuseful ? 180

So Cromwell, with deep oaths and vows,
Swore all the Commons out o' th' House ;
Vow'd that the red-coats would disband.
Ay, marry wou'd they, at their command ;
And troird them on, and swore, and swore, 185
Till th' army turn'd them out of door.
This tells us plainly what they thought,
That oaths and swearing go for nought,
And that by them th' were only meant
To serve for an expedient. 190

What was the public faith found out for.
But to slur men of what they fought for i"
The public faith, which ev'ry one
Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none ;
And if that go for nothing, why 195

Should private faith have such a tie ?
Oaths were not purpos'd, more than law,
To keep the good and just in awe,
But to confine the bad and sinful.
Like moral cattle, in a pinfold. 200

A saint 's of th' heav'nly realm a peer ;
And as no peer is bound to swear.
But on the gospel of his honour,
Of which he «iay dispose as owner
It follows, though the thing be forgery, 205
And false, t' affirm it is no perjury,
But a mere ceremony, and a breach
Of nothing, but a form of speech ;
And goes for no more when 'tis took,
Than mere saluting of the book. 210

Suppose the Scriptures are of force.
They're but commissions of course.
And saints have freedom to digress.
And vary from 'em, as they please ;
Or misinterpret them, by private 215

Instructions, to all aims they drive at,
G2

130 HUDIBRAS.

Then why should we ourselves abridge

And curtail our own privilege .■*

Quakers (that, like to lanterns, bear

Their light within 'em) will not swear : 220

Their gospel is an accidence,

By which they construe conscience,

And hold no sin so deeply red,

As that of breaking Priscian's head

(The head and founder of their order, 225

That stirring hats held worse than murder) ;

These thinking th' are obliged to troth

In swearing, will not take an oath :

Like mules, who, if th' have not their will

To keep their own pace, stand stock-still : 230

But they are weak, and little know

What free-born consciences may do.

'Tis the temptation of the devil'

That makes all huijian actions evil :

For saints may do the same things by 235

The Spirit, in sincerity.

Which other men are tempted to,

And at the devil's instance do ;

And yet the actions be contrary.

Just as the saints and wicked vary, 240

For as on land there is no beast

But in some fish at sea 's exprest,

So in the wicked there's no vice

Of which the saints have not a spice ;

And yet that thing that's pious in 245

The one, in th' other is a sin. • •

Is't not ridiculous, and nonsense,

A saint should be a slave to conscience,

That ought to be above such fancies,

As far as above ordinances? 250

She's of the wicked, as I guess,

B' her looks, her language, and her dress :

And though, like constables, we search,

For false wares, one another's church,

Yet all of us hold this for true, 255

No faith is to the wicked due :

For truth is precious and divine ;

Too rich a pearl for carnal swine.

PART II.-CANTO II. 131

Quoth Hudibras, All this is true ;
Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew 260

Those mysteries and revelations ;
. ud therefore topical evasions
Of subtle turns and shifts of sense
Serve best with th' wicked for pretence ;
Such a^ the learned Jesuits use, 265

And Presbyterians, for excuse
Against the Protestants, when th' happen
To find their churches taken napping :
As thus : A breach of oath is duple,
And either way admits a scruple, 270

And may be ex parte of the maker,
More criminal than the injur'd taker ;
Far he that strains too far a vow,
Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow :
And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 275
Not he that for convenience took it.
A broken oath is, quatenus oath.
As sound t' all purposes of troth.
As broken laws are ne'er the worse ;
Nay, till th' are broken have no force. 280

AVhat's justice to a man, or laws.
That never comes within their claws?
They have no pow'r, but to admonish ;
Cannot control, coerce, or punish;
Until they're broken, and then touch 285

Those only that do make 'em such.
Beside, no engagement is allow'd
By men in prison made for good ;
For when they're set at liberty.
They're from th' engagement too set free. 290
The rabbins write, when any Jew
Did make to God or man, a vow,
Wiiich afterward he found untoward,
And stubborn to be kept, or too hard,
Any three other Jews o' th' nation 295

Might free him from the obligation ;
And have not two saints pow'r to use
A greater privilege than three Jews ?
The court of conscience, which in man
Should be supreme and sovereign, 300

132 HUDIBRAS.

Is't fit should be subordinate

To ev'ry petty court i' th' state,

And have less power than the lesser,

To deal with perjury at pleasure ;

Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 305

AllowM, at fancy of Pye-Powder ?

Tell all it does, or does not know,

For swearing ex-officio ?

Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge,

And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc. Pledge? 310

Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants.

Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nuisance ;

Tell who did play at games unlawful.

And who filfd pots of ale but half full;

And have no pow'r at all, no shift, 315

To help itself at a dead lift ?

Why should not conscience have vacation

As well as other courts o' th' nation ;

Have equal power to adjourn.

Appoint appearance and return :. 320

And make as nice distmction servo

To split a case, as those that carve.

Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints .'

Why should not tricks as slight do points .'

Is not th' High-Court of Justice sworn 325

To judge that law that serves their turn.'

Make their own jealousies high treason.

And fix 'em whomsoe'er they please on.'

Cannot the learned counsel there

Make laws in any shape appear ? 330

Mould 'em as witches do their clay,

When they make pictures to destroy,

And vex 'em into any form

That fits their purpose to do harm ?

Rack 'em until they do confess, 335

Impeach of treason whom they please,

And most perfidiously condemn

Those that engag'd their lives for them?

And yet do nothing in their own sense.

But what they ought by oath and conscience.

Can they not juggle, and with slight 341

Conveyance, play with wrong and right •

PART II.— CANTO II. 133

And sell their blasts of wind as dear

As Lapland witches bottled air ?

Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge, 345

The same case sev^al ways adjudge?

As seamen with the self-same gale,

Will sevVal diff'rent courses sail.

As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds,

And overflows the level grounds, 350

Those banks and dams, that, Uke a screen,

Did keep it out, now keep it in ;

So when tyrannic usurpation

Invades the freedom of a nation,

The laws o' th' land, that were intended 355

To keep it out, are made defend it.

Does not in Chanc'ry ev'ry man swear

What makes best for him in his answer .•"

Is not the winding up witnesses

And nicking more than half the bus'ness ? 360

For witnesses, like watches, go

Just as they're set, too fast or slow ;

And where in conscience tliey're strait-lac'd,

'Tis ten to one that side is cast.

Do not your juries give their verdict 365

As if they felt the cause, not heard it .'

And as they please, make matter o' fact

Run all on one side, as they're packt ?

Nature has made man's breast no windores.

To pubUsh what he does within doors, 370

Nor what dark secrets there inhabit,

Unless his own rash fury blab it.

If oaths can do a man no good

In his own bus'ness, why they should

In other matters do him hurt, 375

I think there's little reason for't.

He that imposes an oath makes it,

Not he that for convenience takes it :

Then how can any man be said

To break an oath he never made ? 380

These reasons may, perhaps, look oddly

To the wicked, though th' evince the godly;

But if they will not serve to clear

My honour, I am ne'er the near.

134 HUDIBRAS.

Honour is like that glassy bubble 365

That finds philosophers such trouble,
Whose least part crack'd, the whole does fly,
And wits are crack'd to find out why.

Quoth Ralpho, Honour's but a word
To swear by only in a lord : 390

In other men, 'tis but a huff
To vapour with, instead of proof ;
That, like a wen, looks big and swells,

Is senseless, and just nothing else.

Let it (quoth he) bo what it will, 395

It has the world's opinion still.

But as men are not wise that run

The slightest hazards they may shun,

There may a medium be found out

To clear to all the world the doubt ; 400

And tliat is, if a man may do't.

By proxy whipt, or substitute.
Though nice and dark the point appear

(Quoth Ralph,) it may hold up and clear.

That sinners may supply the place 405

Of suff'ring saints is a plain case.

Justice gives sentence many times

On one man for another's crimes.
Our brethren of New England use

Choice malefactors to excuse, 410

And hang the guiltless in their stead.

Of whom the churches have less need ;

As lately 't happen'd : In a town

There liv'd a cobbler, and but one,

That out of doctrine could cut use, 415

And mend men's lives as well as shoes.

This precious brother having slain,

In time of peace, an Indian

(Not out of malice, but mere zeal.

Because he was an infidel,) 420

The mighty Tottipottymoy

Sent to our elders an envoy,

Complaining sorely of the breach

Of league held forth by brother Patch
413. The history of the cobbler had been attested by

persons of good credit, who were upon the place when

it was done.

PART II.— CANTO II. 135

Against the articles in force 425

Between both churches, his and ours ;

For which he crav'd the saints to render

Into his hands or hang th' offender:

But they maturely having weigh 'd

They had no more but him o' th' trade, 430

(A man that serv'd them in a double

Capacity, to teach and cobble),

Resolv'd to spare him; yet, to do

The Indian Hoghgan Moghgan too

Impartial justice, in his stead did 435

Hang an old weaver, that was bed-rid.

Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd,

And in your room another whipp'd?

For all pliilos "pliers, but the sceptic,

Hold whipping may be sympathetic. 440

It is enough, quoth Hudibras,
Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the case ;
And canst, in conscience, not refuse
From th}' own doctrine to raise use.
I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 445

Be tender conscienc'd of thy back :
Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin.
And give thy oatward-fellow a ferking ;
For when thy vessel is new hoop'd.
All leaks of sinning will be stopp'd. 450

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter ;
For in all scruples of this nature,
No man includes himself, nor turns
The point upon his own concerns. .
As no man of his own self catches 455

The itch, or amorous French aches ;
So no man does himself convince,
By his own doctrine, of his sins :
And though all cry down self, none means
His own self in a literal sense. 460

Beside, it is not only foppish.
But vile, idolatrous and popish,
For one man, out of his own skin,
To ferk and whip another's sin ;
As pedants out of school-boys' breeches 465
Do claw and curry their own itches.

136 HUDIBRAS.

Bat in this case it is profane,

And sinful too, because in vain :

For we must take our oaths upon it.

You did th'' deed, when I have done it, 470

Quoth Kudibras, That's answer'd soon :
Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.

Quoth Ralpho, That we may swear true,
'Tvvere properer that I whipp'd you :
For when with your consent 'tis done, 475
The act is really your own.

Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain
(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain ;
Or, like the stars, incline men to
What they're averse themselves to do : ^0
For when disputes are weary 'd out,
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt :
But since no reason can confute ye,
I'll try to force you to your duty ;
For so it is, howe'er you mince it, 485

As, ere we part, I shall evince it,
And curry (if you stand out) whether
You will or no, your stubborn leather.
Canst thou refuse to bear thy part
r th' public work, base as thou art? 490

To higgle thus for a few blows,
To gain thy knight an op'lent spouse,
Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase,
Merely for th' interest of the churches ?
And when he has it in his claws 495

Will not be hide-bound to the cause :
Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgeon,
If thou dispatch it without grudging :
If not, resolve, before we go.
That you and I must pull a crow. 500

Y' had best, (quoth Ralpho) as the ancients
Say wisely, have a care o' th' main chance,
And look before you ere you leap ;
For as you sow, y' are like to reap :
And were y' as good as George-a- Green, 505
I shall make bold to turn agen :
Nor am I doubtful of the issue
In a just quarrel, and mine is so.

PART II.-CANTO II. 137

Is 't fitting for a man of honour

To whip the saints, like Bishop Bonner? 510

A Knight t' usurp the beadle's office,

For which y' are like to raise brave trophies?

But I advise you (not for fear,

But for your own sake) to forbear ;

And for the churches, which may chance, 515

From hence, to spring a variance,

And raise among themselves new scruples,

Whom common danger hardly couples.

Remember how, in arms and pohtics,

We still have worsted all your holy tricks ; 520

Trepann'd your party with intrigue,

And took your grandees down a peg ;

New m.odell'd th' armv, and cashier'd

All that to legion SMEC adhered ;

Made a mere utensil o' your church, 525

And after left it in the lurch ;

A scaffold to build up our own,

And, when w' had done with't, puli'd it down ;

Capoch'd your rabbins of the synod.

And snapp'd their canons with a why-not? 530

(Grave synod men, that were rever'd

For solid face, and depth of beard ;)

Their classic model prov'd a maggot,

Their direct'ry an Indian Pagod ;

And drown 'd their discipline like a kitten, 535

On which they'd been so long a sitting ;

Decry *d it as a holy cheat,

Grown out of date, and obsolete ;

And all the saints of the first grass.

As castling foals of Balaam's ass. 540

At this the Knight grew high in chafe,
And staring furiously on Ralph,
He trembled, and look'd pale with ire ;
Like ashes first, then red as fire.
Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545

And for so many moons lain by't,
And, when all other means did fail.
Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale ?

548 The Knisht was kept prisoner in fixeter, and,
after several exchanges proposed, but none accepted of

138 HUDIBRAS.

Not but they thought me worth a ransom

Much more consid'rable and handsome, 550

But for their own sakes, and for fear

They were not safe when I was there ;

Now to be baffled by a scoundrel,

An upstart sect 'ry, and a mongrel.

Such as breed out of peccant humours 555

Of our own church, like wens or tumours,

And, like a maggot in a sore.

Would that which gave it life devour ;

It never shall be done or said :

With that he seiz'd upon his blade ; 560

And Ralpho too, as quick and bold,

Upon his basket-hilt laid hold.

With equal readiness prepar'd

To draw, and stand upon his guard ;

When both were parted on the sudden, 565

With hideous clamour, and a loud one,

As if all sorts of noise had been

Contracted into one loud din ;

Or that some member to be chosen

Had got the odds above a thousand, 570

And, by the greatness of his noise,

Prov'd fittest for his country's choice.

This strange surprisal put the Knight

And wrathful Squire into a fright ;

And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575

Impetuous rancour to join battle.

Both thought it was the wisest course

To wave the fight and mount to horse.

And to secure, by swift retreating.

Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580

Yet neither of them would disparage.

By utt'ring of his mind, his courage ;

Which made them stoutly keep their ground.

With horror and disdain wind-bound.

And now the cause of all their fear 585

By slow degrees approach'd so near,
They might distinguish different noise
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys,

' a barrel of ale, as he often used

PART n.— CANTO 11. 139

And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub

Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 590

But when the sight appear'd in view,

They found it was an antique show ;

A triumph, that, for pomp and state,

Did proudest Romans emulate :

For as the aldermen of Rome 595

Their foes at training overcome,

And not enlarging territory

(As some mistaken write in story),

Being mounted, in their best array,

Upon a car, and who but they ! 600

And follow'd with a world of tall-lads.

That merry ditties trolPd, and ballads,

Did ride with many a good-morrow, [borough ;

Crying, ' Hey for our town!' through the

So when this triumph drew so nigh 605

They might particulars descry,

They never saw two things so pat.

In all respects, as this and that.

First he that led the cavalcate

Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610

On which he blew as strong a level

As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate.

When over one another's heads

They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes.

Next pans and kettles of all keys, 615

From trebles down to double base ;

And after them, upon a nag,

That might pass for a forehand stag,

A cornet rode, and on his staff

A smock displayed did proudly wave. 620

Then bagpipes of the loudest drones.

With snuffling broken- winded tones.

Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut,

Sound filthier than from the gut,

And make a viler noise than swine 625

In windy weather, when they whine.

Next one upon a pair of panniers.

Full fraught with that which for good manners

Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains,

Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630

140 HUDIBRAS.

And busily upon the crowd tr

At random round about bestow'd.

Then, mounted on a horned horse,

One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs,

Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635

He held revcrst, the point turn'd downward.

Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed.

The conqueror's standard-bearer rid,

And bore aloft before the champion

A petticoat display'd, and rampant; 640

Near whom the Amazon triumphant

Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't

Sat face to tail, and bum to bum,

The warrior whilom overcome,

Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645

Which, as he rode, she made him twist off;

And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder

Chastis'd the reformado soldier.

Before the dame, and round about,

March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650

With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages,

In fit and proper equipages ;

Of whom some torches bore, some links,

Before the proud virago minx.

That was both Madam and a Don, 655

Like Nero's Sporus, or Pope Joan ;

And at fit periods the whole rout

Set up their throats with clamorous shout.

The Knight, transported, and the Squire,

Put up their weapons, and their ire ; 660

And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder

On such sights with judicious wonder,

Could hold no longer to impart

His animadversions, for his heart.

Quoth he, In all my life, till now, 665

I ne'er saw so profane a show.

It is a Paganish invention.

Which heathen writers often mention :

And he who made it had read Goodwin,

Or Ross, or Caelius Rhodogine, 670

With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows,

That best describe those ancient shows ;

PART II.— CANTO II. 141

y^id has observ'd all fit decorums

We find describ'd by old historians :

For as the Roman eonqueror, 675

That put an end to foreign war,

Ent'riag the town m triumph for it,

Bore a slave with him, in his chariot ;

So this insulting female brave

Carries behind her here a slave : 680

And as the ancients long ago.

When they in field defy'd the foe.

Hung out their mantles della guerre,

So her proud standard-bearer here

Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685

A Tyrian petticoat for banner.

Next links and torches, heretofore

Still borne before the emperor :

And as, in antique triumphs, eggs

Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690

There's one with truncheon, like a ladle,

That carries eggs too, fresh or addle ;

And still at random, as he goes,

Among the rabble-rout bestows.

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter ; 695
For all th' antiquity you smatter
Is but a riding us'd of course.
When the gray mare's the better horse ;
When o'er the breeches greedy woman
Fight to extend their vast dominion ; 700

And in the cause impatient Grizel
Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle,
And brought him under covert-baron,
To turn her vassal with a murrain ;
When wives their sexes shift, hke hares, 705
And ride their husbands like night-mares,
And they, in mortal battle vanquish'd,
Are of their charter disenfranclais'd,

678. ' Et sibi consul

Me placeat, curru servus portatur codem.

663. ' Tunica Coccinea solebat pridie quam dimican
dum esset, supra praetorium poni, quasi admonitio, et
indicium futurae pugnse.' Lipsius in Tacit, p. 56.

687. That tlie Roman emperors were wont to have
torches borne before them (by day) in public, appeam
by Herodian in Pertinace. Lips, in Tacit, p. 16.

142 HUDIBRAS.

And by the right of war, like gills,
Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels : 710
For when men by their wives are cow'd,
Their horns of course are understood.

Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence
Impertinently, and against sense.
'Tis not the least disparagement 715

To be defeated by th' event,
Nor to be beaten by main force ;
That does not make a man the worse,
Although his shoulders with battoon
Be claw'd and cudgell'd to some tune, 720
A tailor's prentice has no hard
Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard :
But to turn tail, or run away.
And without blows give up the day,
Or to surrender ere th' assault, 795

That's no man's fortune, but his fault,
And renders men of honour less
Than all th' adversity of success ;
And only unto such this show
Of horns and petticoats is due. 730

There is a lesser profanation.
Like that the Romans call'd ovation :
For as ovation was allow'd
For conquest purchas'd without blood,
So men decree these lesser shows 735

For victory gotten without blows,
By dint of sharp hard words, which some
Give battle with, and overcome ;
These, mounted in a chair-curule,
Which modems call a cucking-stool, 740

March proudly to the river's side,
And o'er the waves in triumph ride ;
Like dukes of Venice, who are said
The Adriatic Sea to wed ;
And have a gentler wife than those 745

For whom the state decrees those shows.
But both are heathenish, and come
From th' whores of Babylon and Rome,
And by the saints should be withstood,
As Antichristian and lewd : 750

PART II.— CANTO II. 143

And we as such, should now contribute
Our utmost stragglings to prohibit.

This said, they both advanced, and rode
A dog-trot through the bawling crowd,
T' attack the leader, and still prest, 755

Till they approach 'd him breast to breast :
Then Hudibras, with face and hand.
Made signs for silence ; which obtain'd,
What means (qaoth he) the devil's procession
With men of orthodox profession .' 760

'Tis ethnic and idolatrous,
From heathenism deriv'd to us.
Does not the Whore of Babylon ride
Upon her horned beast astride,
Like this proud dame, who either is 765

A type of her, or she of this?
Are things of superstitious function
Fit to be us'd in gospel sun-shine ?
It is an Antichristiau opera.
Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770
Of running after self-inventions
Of wicked and profane intentions ;
To scandalize that sex for scolding.
To whom the saints are so beholden.
Women, who were our first apostles, 775

Without whose aid we had been lost else ;
Women, that left no stone unturn'd
In which the cause might be concern'd ;
Brought in their children's spoons and whistles,
To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols ; 780
Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts,
To take the saints' and churches' parts ;
Drew several gifted brethren in.
That for the bishops would have been.
And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785

With motives powerful and hearty ;
Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts
T' administer unto their gifts
All they could rap, and rend and pilfer.
To scraps and ends of gold and silver ; 790
E,ubb'd down the teachers, tir'd and spent
With holding forth for Parliament :

144 HUDIBRAS.

Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal

With marrow-puddings many a meal;

Enabled them, with store of meat, 795

On controverted points to eat ;

And cramm'd 'era, till their guts did ake,

With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake :

What have they done, or what left undone,

That might advance the cause at London ? 800

March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign,

T' intrench the city for defence in ;

Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands,

To put the enemy to stands ;

From ladies down to oyster-wenches, 805

Laboured like pioneers in trenches ;

Fell to their pick-axes, and tools.

And help'd the men to dig like moles.

Have not the handmaids of the city

Chose of their members a committee, 810

For raising of a common purse

Out of their wages to raise horse?

And do they not as triers sit.

To judge what officers are fit ?

Have they f At that an egg let fly 815

Hit him directly o'er the eye.

And running down his cheek, besmeared

With orange-tawny slime his beard ;

But beard and slime being of one hue,

The wound the less appear'd in view. 820

Then he that on the panniers rode,

Let fly on th' other side a load,

And quickly chargM again, gave fully

In Ralpho's face another volley.

The Knight was startled with the smell, 825

And for his sword began to feel ;

And Ralpho, smothered with the stink,

Grasp'd his ; when one that bore a link

O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel.

Like hnstock, to the horse's touch-hole ; 830

And straight another with his flambeau,

Gave Ralpho's o'er the eye a damn'd blow.

The beasts began to kick and fling,

And forc'd the rout to make a ring.

PART II.— CANTO II. 145

Through which they quickly broke their way,

And brought them off from further fray ;

And though disorder'd in retreat,

Each of them stoutly kept his seat :

For, quitting both their swords and reins,

They grasp'd with all their strength the manes,

And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, 841

With spurring put their cattle to't ;

And till all four were out of wind,

And danger too, ne'er look'd behind.

After th'°had paus'd a while, supplying 845

Their spirits, spent with fight and flying,

And Hudibras recruited force

Of Imigs, for action or discourse;

Quoth he. That man is sure to lose
That fouls his hands with dirty foes : 850

For where no honour's to be gain'd,
'Tis thrown away in b'ing maintain'd.
'Twas ill for us we had to do
With so disiionourable a foe :
For though the law of arms doth bar 855

The use of venom'd shot in war,
Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome,
Their case-shot savours strong of poison ;
And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth
Of some that had a stinking breath ; 860

Else, when we put it to the push,
They had not giv'n us such a brush.
But as those poltroons that fling dirt
Do but defile, but cannot hurt,
So all the honour they have won, 865

Or we have lost, is much as one.
'Twas well we made so resolute
And brave retreat, without pursuit ;
For if we had not, we had sped
Much worse, to be in triumph led ; 870

Than which the ancients held no state
Of man's hfe more unfortunate.
But if this bold adventure e'er
Do chance to reach the widow's ear,
It may, b'ing destin'd to assert 875

Her sex's honour, reach her heart ;
H

146 HUDIBRAS.

And as such homely treats (they say)

Portend good fortune, so this may.

Vespasian being daub'd with dirt,

Was destin'd to the empire for't ; 8{

And from a scavenger did come

To be a mighty prince in Rome :

And why may not this foul address

Presage in love the same success?

Then, let us straight, to cleanse our woundai,

Advance in quest of nearest ponds ; Si

And after (as we first designed)

Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd.

CANTO III.

The Kniglit, with various doubts possest,

To win the Lady goes in quest

Of Sidrophel, Ihe Rosy-crueian,

To know the dest'nies' resolution :

With whom b'ing met, they both chop logic

About the science astrologic :

Till falling from dispute to fight,

The Conj'rer's worsted by the Knight.

Doubtless the pleasure is as great

Of being cheated, as to cheat ;

As lookers-on feel most delight.

That least perceive a juggler's sleight;

And still the less they understand, 5

The more th' admire his sleight of hand.

Some with a noise, and greasy light.
Are snapt, as men catch larks by knight ;
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul,
As nooses by the legs catch fowl. 10

Some with a med'cine, and receipt.
Are drawn to nibble at the bait ;
And tho' it be a two-foot trout,
'Tis with a single hair puU'd out.

Others believe no voice t' an organ 15

So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown,

879. 'C. CffiBar succensens, propter curam verrendis
riiB non adhibitam, lute jussit oppleri congesto per mi
liteiin prsetexts siuum. Suetou. in Vespas. 6. 5.

PART n.— CANl'O in. 147

Until with subtle cobweb-cheats
Th' are catch'd in knotted law, like nets ;
In which, when once they are imbrangled,
The more they stir, the more tihey're tangled ;
And while their parses can dispmte, 21

Tliere's no end of th' immortal suit.

Others still gape t' anticipate
The cabinet-designs of fate ;
Apply to wizards to foresee 25

What shall, and what shall never be ;
And, as those vultures do foreboJ.e,
Believe events prove bad or good :
A flam more senseless than the re guery
Of old aruspicy and augVy, 30

That out of garbages of cattle
PresagM th' events of truce or batfJe ;
Fromltiight of birds, or chickens packing,
Success of greatest attempts would reckon :
Tliough cheats, yet more intelligib' e 35

Than those that with the stars do fribble.
This Hudibras by proof found true,
As in due time and place we'll shew :
For he, with beard and face made cl 3an,
B'ing mounted on his steed agen 40

(And Ralpho got a cock-horse too
Upon his beast, with much ado),
Advauc'd on for the Widow's house,
To acquit himself, and pay his vows ;
When various thoughts began to bust le, 45
And with his inward man to justle.
He thought what danger might accrue I
If she should find he swore untrue ;
Or, if his Squire or he should fail,
And not be punctual in their tale, 50

It might at once the ruin prove
Both of his honour, faith, and love.
But if he should forbear to go.
She might conclude h' had broke his V' >W ;
And that he durst not now, for shame, 55

Appear in court to try his claim.
This was the pen'worth of liis thought ,
To pass time, and uneasy trot.

148 HUDIBRAS.

Quoth he, In all my past adventures
I ne'er was set so on the tenters ; 60

Or taken tardy with dilemma,
That ev'ry way I turn does hem me,

And with inextricable doubt

Besets my puzzled wits about :

For tho' the dame hath been my bail, 65

To free me from enchanted jail,

Yet as a dog, committed close

For some offt nee, by chance breaks loose,

And quits his clog, but all in vain.

He still draws after him his chain ; 70

So, though my ankle she has quitted,

My heart continues still committed :

And like a liaiFd and mainpriz'd lover,

Altho' at large, I am bound over:

And when i shall appear in court, 75

To plead my cause, and answer for't,

Unless the judge do partial prove,

What will become of me and love ?

For if in our account we vary,

Or but in circumstance miscarry ; 80

Or if she put me to strict proo^

And make me pull my doublet off,

To shew, by evident record

Writ on my skin, I've kept my word ;

How cai 1 1 e'er expect to have her, 85

Having demurred unto her favour ?

But fait! J, and love, and honour lost.

Shall be, reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post.

Beside, that stripping may prevent

What I 'm to prove by argument, 90

And ju 3tify I have a tail ;

And th a-t way, too, my proof may fail.

Oh ! ti at I cou'd enucleate,

And sc Ive the problems of my fate ;

Or fini I, by necromantic art, 95

How f ir the dest'nies take my part 1

For if 1 were not more than certaui

To wi 1 and wear her, and her fortune,

I'd go no farther in this courtship.

To ha jard soul, estate, and worship : 100

PART II.-CANTO III. U<f

For though an oath obliges not
Where any thing is to be go:,
(As thou hast prov'd), yet 'tis profane,
And sinful, when men swear in vain.

Quoth Ralph, Not far froai hence doth dwelt
A cunning man, hight Sidrophel, 10&

That deals in destiny's dark counsels.
And sage opinions of the moon sells ;
To whom all people, far and near,
On deep importances repair ; 110

When brass and pewter hap to stray,
And linen slinks out of the way;
When geese and pullen are seduc'd.
And sows of sucking-pigs are chows'd ;
When cattle feel indisposition, 115

And need th' opinion of physician ;
When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep, ■
And chickens languish of the pip ;
When yeast and outward means do fail,
And have no pow'r to work on ale ; 120

When butter does refuse to come.
And love proves cross and humorsome ;
To him with questions, and with urine,
They for discov'ry flock, or curing.

Quoth Hudibras, This Sidrophel 125

I've heard of, and should Lke it well.
If thou canst prove the saints have freedom
To go to sorc'rers when they need 'em.

Says Ralpho, There's no doubt of that ;
Those principles I quoted late 130

Prove that the godly may allege
For any thing their privilege ;
And to the dev'l himself may go,
If they have motives thereunto.
For, as there is a war between 135

The dev'l and them, it is no sin.
If they by subtle stratagem
Make use of him, as he does them.
Has not this present Parhament
A Ledger to the devil sent,

HO. The witch-finder in Suffolk, who, in the Pres-
byterian times, had a commission to discover witches,
of whom jight or wrongj he caused sixty to be hanged

150 H^aDIBRAS.

Fully impower'd to treat about

Finding revolted witches out ?

And has not he, within a year,

Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire ?

Some only for not being drown'd, 145

And some for sittin;^ above ground,

Whole days and nights, upon their breeches,

And feeling pain, ware hang'd for witches;

And some for puttirag knavish tricks

Upon green geese and turkey-chicks, 150

Or pigs, that suddenly deceast

Of griefs unnat'ral, as he guest ;

Who after prov'd himself a witch,

And made a rod for his own breech.

Did not the devil appear to Martin 155

Luther in Germany for certain ?

And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick,

But Martin was too politic.

Did he not help the Dutch to purge

At Antwerp their cathedral church ? 160

Sing catches to the s;aints at Mascon,

And tell tiiem all thoy came to ask him?

Appear'd in divers shapes to Kelly,

And speak i' th' Nun of Loudon's belly ?

within the compass of ome year ; and, among the rest,
the old minister, who hiid been a painful preacher for
many years

159. In the beginning of the civil wars of Flanders,
the common people of Antwerp in a tumult brolte open
tlie cathedral church, to demolish images and shrines,
and did so much mischief in a small time, that, Strada
writes, there were several devils seen very busy among
them, otherwise it had been impossible.

161. This devil at Mascon delivered all his oracles,
like his forefathers, in verse, which he sung to tunes.
He made several lampoons upon the Huguenots, and
foretold them many things which afterwards came to
pass ; as may be seen in his Memoirs, written in French.

163 The History of Dr Dee and the Devil, published
by Mer. Casaubon, Isaac Fil, prebendary of Canterbury,
has a large account of all those passages, in which the
style of the true and false angels appears to be penned
by one and the same person. The Nan of Loudon, in
Prance, and all her tricks, have been seen by many per-
sons of quality of this nation yet living, who have made
very good observations upon the French book written
on that occasion.

PART n.— CANTO III. 151

Meet with the Parliament's committee 165

At Woodstock on a pers'nal treaty ?

At Sarum take a cavaher

r th' cause's service prisoner ?

As Withers, in immortal rhyme,

Has registered to after-time ! 170

Do not our great reformers use

This Sidrophel to forebode news ?

To write of victories next year,

And castles taken yet i' th' air ?

Of battles fought at sea, and ships 175

Sunk two years hence, the last eclipse ?

A total overthrow giv'n the king

In Cornwall, horse and foot, next spring?

And has not he point blank foretold

Whats'e'er the close committee would ? 180

Made Mars and Saturn for the cause,

The moon for fundamental laws ?

The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare

Against the Book of Common Pray'r ?

The Scorpion take the Protestation, 185

And Bear engage for Reformation ?

Made all the royal stars recant,

Compound and take the Covenant ?

Quoth Hudibras, The case is clear,
That saints may "mploy a conjurer, 190

As thou hast prov'd it by their practice ;
No argument like matter of fact is :
And we are best of all led to
Men's principles by what they do.
Then let us straight advance in quest 195

Of this profound gymnosophist ;
And as the fates and he advise.
Pursue or waive this enterprise.

This said, he turn'd about his steed,
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid : 200

Where leave we him and Ralph awhile,
And to the conjurer turn our style,

165 A committee of the Long Parliament, sitting in
the liinai's house, in Woodstock Park, were terrified
with several apparitions, the particulars whereof were
then the news of the whole nation.

167. Withers has a long story, in doggerel, of a sol-
dier in the king's army, who, being a prisoner at Salia-

152 HUDIBRAS.

To let our reader understand
Wliat's useful of him beforehand.

He had been long t'wards mathematics, 205
Optics, philosophy, and statics,
Magic, horoscopy, astrology,
And was old dog at physiology ;
But as a dog that turns the spit
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 210

To climb the wheel, but all in vain,
His own weight brings him down again ;
And still he's in the self-same place
Where at his setting out he was ;
So in the circle of the arts 215

Did he advance his nat'ral parts,
Till falling back still, for retreat,
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat :
For as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter : 220

Whate'er he laboured to appear.
His understanding still was clear :
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted.
Since old Hodge Bacon and Bob Grosted.
Th' intelligible world he kn€w, 225

And all men dream on't to be true ;
That in this world there's not a wart
That has not there a counterpart ;
Nor can there on the face of ground ^

An individual beard be found, 239

That has not in that foreign nation,
A fellow of the self-same fashion;
So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd.
As those are in th' inferior world,
bury, and drinking a health to the devil upon his knees,
was carried away by him through a single pane of glass.
224. Roger Bacon, commonly called Friar Bacon,
lived in the reign of our Edward 1. and, for some Ijttlfi
skill he had in the mathematics, was by the rabble ac-
counted a conjurer, and had the sottish story of the
brazen head fathered upon him by the ignorant monks
of those days. Robert Grosthead was bishop of Lincoln
in the reign of Henry III. He was a learned man for
those times, and for that reason suspected by the clergy
to be a conjurer ; for which crime being degraded by
Pope Innocent IV. and summoned to appear at Rome,
he appealed to the tribunal of Christ ; which our law-
yers say is illegal, if not a prKmunire, for offering to
sue m a foreign court.

PART II.— CANTO III. 153

H' had read Dee's prefaces before, 235

The dev'l, and Euclid, o'er and o'er;
And all the intrigues 'twixt him and Kellj,
Lescus and th' emperor, wou'd tell ye ;
But with the moon was more familiar
Than e'er was almanack well-wilier; 240

Her secrets understood so clear,
7'hat some behev'd he had been there ;
Knew when she was in fittest mood
For cutting corns, or letting blood ;
When for anointing scabs or itches, 245

Or to the bum applying leeches ;
When sows and bitches may be spay'd,
And in what sign best cyder's made ;
Whether the wane be, or increase,
Best to set garlic, or sow peas ; 250

Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon,
That to the ancients was unknown;
How many dukes, and earls, and peers,
Are in the planetary spheres ;
Their airy empire and command, 255

Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land ;
What factions th' have, and what they drive at
In public vogue, or what in private ;
With what designs and interests
Each party manages contests. 260

He made an instrument to know
If the moon shine at full or no ;
That wou'd, as soon as e'er she shone, straight
Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ;
Tell what her d'meter t' an inch is, 265

And prove that she's not made of green cheese.
It wou'd demonstrate, that the Man in
The Moon's a sea Mediterranean ;
And that it is no dog nor bitch,
That stands behind him at his breech, 270

But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake.
With arms, which men for legs mistake ;
How large a gulf his tail composes,
And what a goodly bay his nose is ;
How many German leagues by th' scale 275
Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail.
H2

154 HUDIBRAS.

He made a planetary gin,

Which rats would run their own heads in,

And came on purpose to be taken,

Without th' expense of cheese or bacon. 280

With lute-strings he would counterfeit

Maggots that crawl on dish of meat :

Quote moles and spots on any place

O' th' body, by the index face :

Detect lost maidenheads by sneezing, 285

Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing ;

Cure warts and corns with application

Of med'cines to th' imagination.

Fright agues into dogs, and scare

With rhymes the tooth-ache and catarrh : 290

Chase evil spirits away by dint

Of sickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint ;

Spit fire out of a walnut-shell.

Which made the Roman slaves rebel ;

And fire a mine in China here, 295

With sympathetic gunpowder.

He knew whats'ever's to be known,

But much more than he knew would own :

What med'cine 'twas that Paracelsus

Could make a man with, as he tells us ; 300

What figur'd slates are best to make

On wat'ry surface duck or drake ;

What bowling-stones, in running race

Upon a board, have swiftest pace ;

Whether a pulse beat in the black 305

List of a dappled louse's back ;

If systole or diastole move

Quickest when he's in wrath or love ;

When two of them do run a race.

Whether they gallop, trot, or pace ; 310

How many scores a flea will jump,

Of his own length, from head to rump ;

Which Socrates and Chserephon,

In vain, assay'd so long agone ;

Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 315

And not an elephant's proboscis ;

313. Aristophanes, in his comedy of The Clouds,
brings in Socrates and ChEerephon, measuring the leap
of a flea, from the one's beard to the other's.

PART II.— CANTO III. 155

How many difF'rent species

Of maggots breed in rotten cheese ;

And which are next of kin to those

Engender'd in a chandler's nose ; 320

Or those not seen, but understood,

That live in vinegar and wood.
A paltry wretch he had, half-starv'd,

That him in place of Zany serv'd,

Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw, 325

Not wine, but more unwholesome law ;

To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,

Wide as meridians in maps ;

To squander paper, and spare ink.

Or cheat rnen of their words, some think. 330

From this, by merited degrees.

He'd to more high advancement rise ;

To be an under conjurer,

Or journeyman astrologer.

His business was to pump and wheedle, 335

And men with their own keys unriddle ;

To make them to themselves give answers,

For which they pay the necromancers ;

To fetch and carry intelligence.

Of whom, and what, and where, and whence,

And all discoveries disperse 341

Among th' whole pack of conjurers ;

What cut-purses have left with them,

For the right owners to redeem ;

And what they dare not vent find out, 345

To gain themselves and th' art repute ;

Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes,

Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops,

Of thieves ascendant in the cart.

And find out all by rules of art ; 350

Which way a serving man, that's run

With clothes or money away, is gone ;

Who pick'd a fob at holding forth.

And where a watch, for half the worth,

May be redeem'd ; or stolen plate 355

Restor'd at conscionable rate.

Beside all this, he serv'd his master

In quality of poetaster ;

156 HUDIBRAS.

And rhymes appropriate could make

To evVy month i' th' almanack ; 36l

When terms begin and end could tell,

With their returns, in doggerel :

When the Exchequer opes and shuts,

And sow-gelder with safety cuts ;

When men may eat and drink their fill, 365

And when be tempVate if they will ;

When use, and when abstain from vice,

Figs, g-rapes, phlebotomy, and spice.

And as in prison mean rogues beat

Hemp for the service of the great, 370

So Whachum beat his dirty brains,

T' advance his master's fame and gains,

And like the devil's oracles,

Put into dogg'rel rhymes his spells,

Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375

r th' almanack, strange bilks presage.

He would an elegy compose

On maggots squeez'd out of his nose :

In lyric numbers write an ode on

His mistress eating a black-pudding ; 380

And when imprison'd air escap'd her.

It puft him with poetic rapture.

His sonnets charm 'd th' attentive crowd,

By wide-mouth'd mortal troU'd aloud,

That, circl'd with his long-ear'd guests, 385

Like Orpheus look'd among the beasts.

A carman's horse could not pass by,

But stood ty'd up to poetry :

No porter's burden pass'd along,

But serv'd for burden to his song : 390

Each window like a pill'ry appears.

With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears :

All trades run in as to the sight

Of monsters, or their dear delight.

The gallows-tree, when cutting purse 395

Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse,

Which none does hear but would have hung

T' have been the theme of such a song.

Those two together long had liv'd,
In mansion prudently contriv'd, 400

PART II.— CANTO III. 157

Where neither tree nor house could bar

The free detection of a star ;

And nigh an ancient obehsk

Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk,

Oa which was written, not in words, 405

But hieroglyphic mute of birds,

Many rare pithy saws concerning

The worth of astrologic learning.

From top of this there hung a rope,

To which he fasten'd telescope : 410

The spectacles witli which the stars

He reads in smallest characters.

It happen'd as a boy, one night,

Did fly his tarsel of a kite,

The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 415

That, like a bird of Paradise,

Or herald's martlet, has no legs,

Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ;

His train was six yards long, milk-white

At th' end of whicii there hung a light, 420

InelosM in lantern, made of paper.

That far off" like a star did appear :

This Sidrophel by chance espy'd.

And with amazement staring wide.

Bless us ! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425

Is that appears in Heaven yonder .''

A comet, and without a beard !

Or star tliat ne'er before appear'd ?

I'm certain 'tis not in tlie scrowl

Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 430

With which, like Indian plantations,

The learned stock the constellations ;

Nor tliose that drawn for signs have been

To th' houses where the planets irm.

It must be supernatural, 435

Unless it be that cannon-ball

404. 'Phis Fisk was a late famous astrologer, who
flourished about the time of Subtile and Face, and was
equally celebrated by Ben Jonson.

43G. This experiment was tried by some foreign vir-
tuosos, who planted a piece of ordnance point blank
against the zeniih, and having fired it, the bullet never
rebounded back again ; which made them all conclude

158 HUDIBRAS.

That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright,

Was borne to that prodigious height,

That, learn'd philosophers maintain.

It ne'er came backwards down again, 440

But in the airy region yet

Hangs, like the body of Mahomet :

For if it be above the shade

That by the earth's round bulk is made,

'Tis probable it may from far 445

Appear no bullet, but a star.

This said, he to his engine flew,
Plac'd near at hand, in open view,
And rais'd it till it levell'd right
Against the glow-v/orm tail of kite ; 450

Then peeping through, Bless us I (quoth lie)
It is a planet, now, 1 see ;
And, if I err not, by his proper
Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper.
It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 455

'Tis Saturn ; but what makes him there?
He's got between the dragon's tail
And farther leg behind o' th' whale.
Pray heav'n avert the fatal omen.
For 'tis a prodigy not common ; 460

And can no less than the world's end,
Or Nature's funeral, portend.
With that he fell again to pry
Thro' perspective more wistfully.
When by mischance the fatal string, 465

That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing.
Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot,
Quoth ^Vhachum, who right wisely thought
H'-had levell'd at a star, and hit it :
But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted, 470

Cry'd out. What horrible and fearful
Portent is this, to see a star fall.'
It threatens nature, and the doom
Will not be long before it come !
When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough, 475

The day of judgment's not far off;

that it sticks in the mark ; but Descartes was of opiuiott
that it does but hang in the air

PART II.— CANTO III. 159

As lately 'twas reveal'd to Sedgwick,

And some of us find out by magic.

Then since the time we have to live

In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 480

To make our best advantage of it,

And pay our losses with our profit.

Tliis feat fell out not long before
Tiie Knight, upon the forenam'd score,
In quest of Sidrophel advancing 485

Was now in prospect of the mansion ;
Whom he discov'ring, turn'd his glass,
And found far off 'twas Hudibras.

Whachum, (quoth he), look yonder, some
To try or use our art are come : 490

Tlie one's the learned Knight : seek out.
And pump 'em what they come about.
Whachum advanc'd, with all submiss'ness,
T' accost 'em, but much more their bus'ness :
He held a stirrup, while the Knight 495

From leathern bare-bones did alight ;
And taking from his hand the bridle,
Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle.
He gave him first the time o' th' day,
And welcom'd him, as he might say : 500

He ask'd him whence they came, and whither
Their bus'ness lay f Quoth Ralpho, Hither.
Did you not lose ? Quoth Ralpho, Nay,
Quoth Whachum, Sir, I meant your way !
Your Knight — Quoth Ralpho, Is a lover, 505
And pains intolerable doth suffer :
For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts,
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards
What time, (quoth Whachum) Sir ? — Too long ;
Three years it off and on has hung. — 510
Quoth he, I meant what time o' th' day 'tis —
Quoth Ralpho, Between seven and eight 'tis. —
Why then (quoth Whachum), niy small art
Tells me, the dame has a hard heart,

477. This Sedgwick had many persons (and some of
quality) that believed in him, and prepared to keep the
day of judgment with him, but were disappointed ; for
which the false prophet was afterwards called by the
name of Doomsday Sedgwick.

160 HUDIBRAS.

Or great estate. — Quoth Ralpho, A jointure,

Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her.

Meanwhile the Knight was making water,

Jiefore he fell upon the matter ,

Which having done, the Wizard steps in,

To give him suitable reception ; 52C

But kept his bus'ness at a bay,

Till Whachum put him in the way ;

Who having now, by Ralpho's light.

Expounded th' errand of the Knight,

And what he came to know, drew near, 525

To whisper in the conj'rer's ear,

Which he prevented thus : What was't,

Quoth he, that I was saying last.

Before these gentlemen arriv'd ?

Quoth Whachum, Venus you retriev'd, 530

In opposition with Mars,

And no benign and friendly stars

T' allay the effect— Quoth Wizard, So !

In Virgo ? Ha ! — Quoth Whachum, No.

Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 535

One tenth of 's circle to a minute.

'Tis well, quoth he. — Sir, you'll excuse

This rudeness I am forc'd to use :

It is a scheme and face of Heaven,

As th' aspects are disposM this even, 540

I was contemplating upon

When you arriv'd ; but now I've done.

Quoth Hudibras, If I appear
Unseasonable in coming here
At such a time, to interrupt 545

Your speculations, which I hop'd
Assistance from, and come to use,
'Tis fit that I ask your excuse.

By no means, Sir, quoth Sidrophel ;
The stars your coming did foretel : 550

I did expect you here, and knew.
Before you spake, your bus'ness too.

Quoth Hudibras, Make that appear,
And I shall credit whatsoe'er
You tell me after on your word, 555

Howe'er unlikely or absurd.

PART II.— CANTO HI. ISl

You are in love, Sir, with a widow,
Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you,
And for three years has rid your wit
And passion without drawing bit ; 560

And now your business is to know,
If you shall carry her or no.

Quoth Hudibras, You're in the right ;
But how the devil you came by't
I can't imagine ; for the stars, 565

I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse ;
Nor can their aspects (though you pore
Your eyes out on 'em) tell you more
Than th' oracle of sieve and shears.
That turns as certain as the spheres : 570

But if the devil's of your council.
Much may be done, my noble Donzel ;
And 'tis on his account I come,
To know from you my fatal doom.

Quoth Sidrophel, If you suppose, 575

Sir Knight, that I am one of those,
I might suspect, and take the alarm,
Your bus'ness is but to inform ;
But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near ;
You liave a wron^sow by the ear ; 580

For I assure you, for my part,
I only deal by rules of art.
Such as are lawful, and judge by
Conclusions of astrology :
But for the dev'l, know nothing by him ; 585
But only this, that I defy him.

Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye,
I understand your metonymy :
Your words of second-hand intention,
When things by wrongful names you mention ;
The mystic sense of all your terms, 591

That are, indeed, but magic charms
To raise the devil, and mean one thing,
And that is downright conjuring ;
And in itself more warrantable, 595

Than cheat or canting to a rabble,
Or putting tricks upon the moon,
Which hy confederacy are done.

162 HUDIBRAS.

Your ancient conjurers were wont
■ To make her from her sphere dismount, 600

And to their incantations stoop :

They scoru'd to pore through telescope,

Or idly play at ho-peep with her,

To find out cloudy or fair weather,

Which evVy almanack can tell, 605

Perhaps, as learnedly and well

As you yourself. — Then, friend, I doubt

You go the farthest way about.

Your modern Indian magician

Makes but a iiole in th' earth to piss in, 610

And straight resolves all questions by't.

And seldom fails to be i' th' right.

The Rosy-crucian way's more sure

To brhig the devil to the lure ;

Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin 615

To catch intelligence in.

Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em,

As Dunstan did the devil's grannam;

Others with characters and words

Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds ; 620

And some with symbols, signs, and tricks,

Engrav'd with planetary nicks,

With their own influences will fetch 'em

Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em ;

Make 'em depose and answer to 625

All questions, ere they let them go,

Bombastus kept a devil's bird

Shut in thp pummel of his sword,

That taught him all tiie cunning pranks

Of past and future mountebanks. 630

609, This compendious new way of magic is affirmed
by Monsieur Le Blanc (in his travels) to be used in the
Kast Indies.

627. Paracelsus is said to have kept a small devil pri-
soner in the pummel of his sword, which was the reason,
perhaps, why he was so valiant in his drink. However,
it was to better purpose than Hannibal carried poison in
his, to dispatch himself, if he should happen to be sur-
prised in any great extremity ; for ihe sword would have
done tlie feat alone much better, and more soldier- like ;
and it was below the honour of so great a conimauduT
tu go out of the world like a rat.

PART II.— CANTO III. 163

Kelly did all his feats upon

The devil's looking-glass, a stone ;

Where playing with him at bo-peep,

He solv'd all problems ne'er so deep.

Agrippa kept a Stygian pug, 635

r th' garb and habit of a dog,

That was his tutor, and the cur

Read to th' occult philosopher.

And taught him subt'ly to maintain

All other sciences are vain. 640

To this, quoth Sidrophello, Sir,
Agrippa was no conjurer.
Nor Paracelsus, no, nor Bchmen ;
Nor was the dog a Cacodfiemon,
But a true dog, that would show tricks 645
For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks ;
I Would fetch and carry ; was more civil
Than other dogs, but yet no devil ;
And whatsoe'er he's said to do,
He went the self-same way we go. 650

As for the Rosy-cross philosophers.
Whom you will have to be but sorcerers,
What they pretend to is no more
Than Trismegistus did before,
Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, 655

And Apollonius their master;
To whom tliey do confess they owe
All that they do, and all they know.

Quoth Hudibras, Alas, what is't t' us
Whether 'twas said by Trismegistus, 560

If it be nonsense, false, or mystic,
Or not intelligible, or sophistic?
'Tis not antiquity nor author,
ThatmakesTruth truth,altho' Time's daughter;
'Twas he that put her in the pit 665

Before he pulPd her out of it;

635. Cornelius Agrippa had a dog that was suspected
to be a spirit, for some tricks he was wont to do beyond
the capacity of a dog, as it was thought ; but the author
of Magia Ademica has taken a great deal of pains to
vindicate both the doctor and the dog from the aspersion,
ill which he has shown a very great respect and kind
ness fur them both.

164 HUDIBRAS.

And as he eats his sons, just so

He feeds upon his daughters too.

Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald

Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670

To be descended of a race

Of ancient kings in a small space,

That v.'c sliould all opinions hold

Authentic that we can make old.

Quoth Sidrophel, It is no part 675

Of prudence to cry down an art,
And what it may perform deny.
Because you understand not why
(As Averrhois play'd but a mean trick
To damn our whole art for eccentric :) 680
For who knows all that knowledge contains ?
Men dwell not on the tops of mountains,
But on their sides, or rising's seat;
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height.
Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685

Relate miraculous presages.
Of strange turns in the world's affairs,
Foreseen b' astrologers, soothsayers,
Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacs,
And some that have writ almanacks ? 690

The Median emp'ror dreamt his daughter
Had pist all Asia under water.
And that a vine sprung from her haunches,
O'erspread his empire with its branches :
And did not soothsayers expound it, 695

As after by th' event he found it.^
When Cfesar in the senate fell.
Did not the sun eclips'd foretel,
And in resentment of his slaughter,
Look'd pale for almost a year after? 700

679- Averrhois astronomiam propter excentricos
contempsit. Phil. Melancthon in Eliin. Phil. p. 781.

C91. Astyages, king of Media, had this dream of his
daughter Maiidane, and the interpretation from the
Magi ; whereof he married her to a Persian of a mean
quality, by whom she had Cyrus, who conquered all
Asia, and translated the empire from the Medes to the
Persians. Herodot. 1. 1.

697. Fiantaliquando prodigioso, at longioressolisde-
fectus, quales occiso diciatore CeDsare et Antoniano
lieUo, totius anni palloie coiuinuo. Phil.

PART II.— CANTO IH. 165

Augustus having b' oversight,

Put on his left shoe 'fore his right.

Had like to have been slain that day

By soldiers mutn'ing for pay.

Are there not myriads of this sort, 705

Which stories of all times report?

It is not ominous in all countries

When crows and ravens croak upon trees.'

The Roman senate, when v/ithin

Tlie city walls an owl was seen, 710

Did cause their clergy, with lustrations

(Our synod calls humiliations,)

The round-fac'd prodigy t' avert

From doing town or country hurt :

And if an owl had so much powV, 715

Why should not planets have much more,

That in a region far above

Inferior fowls of the air move.

And should see farther, and foreknow

More than their augury below ? 720

Though that once serv'd the polity

Of mighty states to govern by ;

And this is what we take in hand

By pow'rful art to understand ;

Which, how we have performed all ages 725

Can speak the events of our pfes^ges ;

Have we not lately, in the moon.

Found a new world, to th' old unknown?

Discover'd sea and land, Columbus

And Magellan could never compass ? 730

Made mountains with our tubes appear,

And cattle grazing on 'em there ?

Quoth Hudibras, You Ue so ope,
That I, without a telescope.
Can find your tricks out, and descry 735

Where you tell truth, and where you lie :
For Anaxagoras, long agone.
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' moon ;

701. Divus Augustus Isvum sibi prodidit calceum
prsepostere indiitum, qua die seditione militum prope
Bfilictus est. Idem, I. 2.

709. Romani L. Crasso et C. Mario Coss. Bubone
»iBO orbem lustrabant.

737 Anaxagoras affirmabat solera candens ferrem

166 HUDIBRAS.

And held the sun was but a piece

Of red-hot ir"n, as big as Greece ; 740

Believ'd the ileav'ns were made of stone,

Because the sun had voided one ;

And, rather than he would recant

Th' opinion, sufferM banishment.

But what, alas ! is it to us, 745

Whether i' th' moon men thus or thus
Do eat their porridge, cut their corns,
Or whetlier they have tails or horns '
What trade fiom thence can you advance,
But what we nearer have from France ? 750
What can our travellers bring home,
That is not to be leamt at Rome ?
What politics, or strange opinions,
That are not in our own dominions?
What science can be brought from thence, 755
In which we do not here commence ?
What revelations, or religions.
That are not in our native regions ?
Are sweating lanterns, or screen-fans,
Made better there than th' are in France ? 760
Or do they teach to sing and play
O" th' guitar there a newer way?
Can they make plaj's there, that shall fit
The pubhc humour, with less wit?
Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765

Or fight with more ingenious blows ?
Or does the Man i' th' Moon look big.
And wear a huger periwig.
Show in his gait or face more tricks
Than our own native lunatics ? 770

And if w' outdo him here at home,
What good of your design can come?
As wind, i' th' hypocondries pent.
Is but a blast if downward sent,
But if it upward chance to fly, 775

Becomes new Light and prophecy ;

esse, et Peloponneso majorem : Junam habitaculain se
habere, et Colles, et valles. Fertur dixisse coelum omne
ex lapidibus esse compusitum ; dainnatus etin exilium
pulsus est, quod impie eolem candentem laminam esse
dixisset. Diog. Laert. iu Anaxag. p. 11, 13.

PART II.— CANTO III. 167

So when your speculations tend

Above their just and useful end,

Although they promise strange and great

Discoveries of things far fet, 780

They are but idle dreams and fancies,

And savour strongly of the ganzas.

Tell me but what's the natural cause,

Why on a sign no painter draws

The full moon ever, but the half? 785

Resolve that with your Jacob's staff;

Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her,

And dogs howl when she shines in water ;

And I shall freely give my vote,

You may know something more remote. 790

At this deep Sidrophel look'd wise.
And staring round with owl-like eyes.
He put his face into a posture
Of sapience, and began to bluster :
For having three times shook his head 795
To stir his wit up, thus he said :
Art has no mortal enemies.
Next ignorance, but owls and geese :
Those consecrated geese in orders,
That to the Capitol were warders ; 800

And being then upon patrol.
With noise alone beat off the Gaul :
Or those Athenian sceptic owls.
That will not credit their own souls ;
Or any science understand, 805

Beyond the reach of eye or hand ;
But meas'ring all things by their own
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known :
Those wholesale critics, that in cofFee-
Houses cry down all philosophy, 810

And will not know upon what ground
In nature we our doctrine found,
Altho' with pregnant evidence
We can demonstrate it to sense,
As I just now have done to you, 815

Foretelling what you came to know.
Were the stars only made to light
Robbers and burglarers by night?

1G8 HUDIBRAS.

To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-findors,

And lovers solacing behind doors, 820

Or giving one another pledges

Of matrimony under hedges ?

Or witches simpling, and on gibbets

Cutting from malefactors snippets ?

Or from the pillory tips of ears 825

Of rebel saints and perjurers ?

Oaly to stand by, and look on.

But not know what is said or done ?

Is there a constellation there

That was not born and bred up here ; 830

And therefore cannot be to learn

In any inferior concern ?

Were they not, during all their lives,

Most of 'em pirates, whores, and thieves ?

And is it like they have not still 835

In their old practices some skill ?

Is there a planet that by birth

Does not derive its house from earth ?

And therefore probably must know

What is and hath been done below. 840

Who made the Balance, or whence came

The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ?

Did not we here the Argo rig ?

Make Berenice's periwig ?

Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear ? 845

Or who made Cassiopeia's chair?

And therefore, as they came from hence,

With us may hold mtelligence.

Plato deny'd the world can be

Govem'd without geometry, 850

(For money b'ing the common scale

Of things by measure, weight, and tale,

In all th' affairs of church and state,

'Tis both the balance and the weight) ;

Then much less can it be without 855

Divine astrology made out ;

That puts the other down in worth,

And far as heav'n 's above the earth.

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant
Are something more significant 860

PART II.— CANTO III. 169

Than any that the learned use

Upon this subject to produce ;

And yet th' are far from satisfactory,

T' establish and keep up your factory.

Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865

Shifted Ills setting and his rise ;

Twice has he risen in the west,

As many times set in the east :

But whether that be true or no,

The devil any of you know. 870

Some hold the heavens, like a top.

Are kept by circulation up.

And, wer't not for their wheeling round,

They'd instantly fall to the ground :

As sage Empedocles of old, 875

And from him modern authors hold,

Plato believ'd the Sun and Moon

Below all other planets run.

Some Mercury, some Venus, seat

Above the Sun himself in height. 880

The learned Scahger complain'd,

'Gainst what Copernicus maintain'd,

That, in twelve hundred years and odd,

The Sun had left its ancient road,

And nearer to the earth is come 885

'Bove fifty thousand miles from home :

Swore 'twas a most notorious flam ;

And he that had so little shame

To vent such fopperies abroad,

Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd ; 890

865. Egyptii decern millia annorum et ampliuB, re-
censent; et observacuni est in hoc tanto spatio, l)i^
inutaia esse loca oituum et occasuum solis, ita ut sol
bis onus sit ubi nunc occidit, et bisdescenderitubi ai»nc
oritur. Phil. Melanct. lib. i. p. 60.

871. Causa quare coelum non cadit (secundum Empe-
doclem) est velocitas sui moius. Comment, la lib. iU
Arist. de Coelo.

877. Plato solem et lunam caeteris planetis inferiorev
esse putavit. G Gunnin in Cosmog. lib. i. p. 11.

861. Copernicus in Libris Revolutionem, deinde Reiiy
Iioldus, post eiiam Stadius raatheraatici nobiles perspi-
cuis demonstrationibus docuerunt, solis apsida terria
esse propiorem, qnam, Ptolemjei state duodecim partH
bua, i. e. uno et ttiginta terree semidiameteriB. Jo. Bod.
Met. Hist. p. 455

I

170 HUDIBRAS.

Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore

That he deserv'd the rod much more,

That durst upon a truth give doom,

He knew less than the Pope of Rome.

Cardan believ'd great states depend 895

Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end ;

That, as she wbisk'd it t'wards the Sun,

Strew'd mighty empires up and down ;

Which others say must needs be false.

Because your true bears have no tails. 900

Some say the Zodiac constellations

Have long since chang'd their antique stations

Above a sign, and prove the same

In Taurus now, o«ce in the Ram ;

Affirm the trigons chopp'd and chang'd, 905

The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd :

Then how can their effects still hold

To be the same they were of old?

This, though the art were true, would make

Our modern soothsayers mistake : 910

And in one cause they tell more lies,

In figures and nativities.

Than th' old Chaldean conjurers

In so many hundred thousand years ;

Beside their nonsense in translating, 915

For want of accidence and Latin,

Like Idus, and Calendos, English t

The quarter-days, by skilful linguist;

And yet with cantino-, sleight, and cheat,

'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920

Make fools believe ia their foreseeing

Of things before they are in being ;

To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch 'd,

And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd ;

Make them the constellations prompt, 925

And give 'em back their own accompt ;

But still the best to him that gives

,The best price for't, or best believes.

895. Putat Cardanus, ab extrema carda Halices seu
Majoris Ursee omne magnum imperiuni pendere. W.
p. 325.

913. Chaldaei jactant se quadrihginta septuaginta an-
norum raillia in periclitandis, experiundisque puerorum
aoimis possuisse. Cieeio.

PART II.— CANTO m. 171

Some towns and cities, some, for brevity,

Have cut the Versal world's nativity, 930

And made the infant-stars confess.

Like fools or children, what they please.

Some calculate the hidden fates

Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats ;

Some running-nags and fighting-cocks, 935

Some love, trade, law-suits, and the jpox :

Some take a measure of the lives

Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives :

Make opposition, trine, and quartile.

Tell who is barren, and who fertile ; 940

As if the planets' first aspect

The tender infant did infect

In soul and body, and instil

All future good, and future ill ;

Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945

At destined periods fall a working ;

And break out, like the hidden seeds

Of long diseases, into deeds,

In friendships, enmities, and strife,

And ^1 th' emergencies of life. 950

N# sooner does he peep into

The world, but he has done his do :

Catch'd all diseases, took all physic

That cures or kills a man that is sick ;

Marry'd his punctual dose of wives ; 955

Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives.

There's but the twinkling of a star

Between a man of peace and war ;

A thief and justice, fool and knave,

A huffing officer and a slave ; 960

A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket,

A great philosopher and a blockhead ;

A formal preacher and a player,

A learn'd physician and manslayer.

As if men from the stars did suck 965

Old age, diseases, and ill-luck.

Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice.

Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice ;

And draw, with the first air they breathe.

Battle and murder, sudden death. 970

172 HUDIBRAS.

And not these fine commodities

To be imported from the skies,

And vended here amongst the rabble,

For staple goods and warrantable ?

Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 975

In th' other world to be restored ?

Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know
You wrong the art, and artists too,
Since arguments are lost on those
That do our principles oppose, 980

1 will (althougii Fve done't before)
Demonstrate to your sense once more,
And draw a figure, that shall tell you,
What you, perhaps, forget befel you,
By way of horary inspection, 985

Which some account our worst erection.
With that he circles draws, and squares.
With cyphers, astral characters ;
Then looks 'em o'er, to understand 'em.
Although set down hab-nab, at random. 990

Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set.
Discovers how in fight you met.
At Kingston, with a May-pole idol, TW^ll ;
And that y' were bang'd both back and side
And though you overcame the bear, 995

The dogs beat you at Brentford fair ;
Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle,
And handled you like a fop-doodle.

Quoth Hudibras, I now perceive
You are no conj'rer, by your leave : 1000

That paltry story is untrue,
And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you.

Not true? quoth he; howe er you vapour,
I can what I affirm make appear :

975. DruidiE pecuniam mutuo accipiebant in pos-
teriore vita reildituii. Patiieius, torn. ii. p. 9.

1001. There was a notorious idiot (that is here de-
scribed by the name and character of Whachum) who
couiuerr'eiteu a second part of Hudibras, as untowardly
a3 Captain Po, who could not write himself, and yet
made a shift to stand on tlip pillory for forging other
men's hands, as his fellow Whachuni no doubt deserv-
ed ; in whose abominable doggerel this story of Hudi-
brHs and a Ttench luouiitebaikk at BrenClurd fair Is M
properly described.

PART 11.— CANTO III. 173

Whachum shall justify it t' your face, 1005
And prove he was upon the place.
He play'd the Saltinbancho's part,
Transformed t' a Frenchman by my art :
He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket,
Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead : 1010
And what you lost I caa produce,
]f you deny it, here i' th' house.

Quoth Hudibras, I do beheve
That argument's demonstrative.
Ralpho, bear witness ; and go fetch us 1015
A constable to seize the wretches :
For though th' are both false knaves and cheats,
Jmposters, jugglers, counterfeits,
ril make them serve for perpendiculars,
As true as e'er were us"d by bricklayers. 1020
They're guilty, by their own confessions,
Of felony ; and at the sessions,
Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em,
That the vibration of this pendulum
Shall make all tailors' yards of one 1025

Unanimous opinion ;
A thing he long has vapour'd of.
But now shall make it out by proof.

Quoth Sidrophel, I do not doubt
To find friends that will bear me out : 1030
Nor have I hazarded my art.
And neck, so long on the state's part,
To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer
By such a braggadocio hufFer.

1024. The device of the vibration of a pendulum wa»
intended to settle a certain measure of ells and yards
&c. (that should have its foundation in nature) all the
world over : for by swinging a weight at the end of a
string, and cjiiculating by the motion of the sun, or any
KiHr, liiiw long the vibration would last, in proportioi
xn lUe leagrli of the string, and weight of the pendulum,
thpy thoiiiiht to reduce it back again, and from any part
of time compute the exact lensth of any string that
must necessiirily vibrate into so much apace of time;
so tliiit if a luai) should ask iu China for a quarter of an
liour of sutiu, or taffeta, tliey would know perfectly
what it nipa'ii ; and .'ill mankind learn a new way to
measure tliinj? tin inorp by the yard, foot, or incJi, but
by the hour, quarter, and minute.

174 HUDIBRAS.

Huffer ! quoth Hudibras : this sword 1035
Shall down thy false throat cram that word.
Ralpho, make haste, and call an officer,
To apprehend this Stygian sophister ;
Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay,
Lest he and Whachum run away. 1040

But Sidrophel, who, from th' aspect
Of Hudibras, did now erect
A figure worse portending far
Than that of a malignant star,
Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045

To shun the danger that might come on't,
While Hudibras was all alone,
And he and Whachum, two to one.
This being resoiv'd, he spy'd, by chance,
Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050

That many a sturdy limb had gor'd.
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd :
He snatch'd it up, and made a pass.
To make his way through Hudibras.
Whachum had got a fire-fork, 1055

With which he vowM to do his work.
But Hudibras was well prepared,
And stoutly stood upon his guard ;
He put by Sidrophello's thrust.
And in right manfully he rusht : 1060

The weapon from his gripe he wrung.
And laid him on the earth along.
Whachum his sea-coal prong threw by.
And basely turnM his back to fly :
But Hudibras gave him a twitch 10G5

As quick as lightning in the breech,
Just in the place where honour's lodg'd,
As wise philosophers have judg'd :
Because a kick in that place more
Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1.07C

Quoth Hudibras, The stars determine
Tou are my prisoners, base vermin !
Could they not tell you so as well
As what I came to know foretel ?
By this what cheats you are we find, 1075

That in your own concerns are bhnd.

PART II.— CANTO III. 175

Your lives are now at my dispose,
To be redeemed by fine or blows :
But who his honour wouid defile,
To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080

ril give you quarter ; but your pillage,
The conquVing warrior's crop and tillage.
Which with his sword he reaps and ploughs,
Thafs mine, the law of arms allows.

This said in haste, in haste he fell 1085

To rummaging of Sidrophel.
First, he expounded both his pockets,
And found a watch with rings and lockets,
Which had been left with Jiim t' erect
A figure for, and so detect ; 1030

A copper-plate, with almanacks
Engrav'd upon 't ; with other knacks
Of Booker's, Lilly's, Sarah Jimmers',
And blank-schemes t' discover nimmers;
A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095

And several constellation stones,
Engrav'd in planetary hours,
That over mortals had strange powers
To make 'em thrive in law or trade,
And stab or poison to evade; 1100

In wit or wisdom to improve,
And be victorious in love.
Whachum had neither cross nor pile ;
His plunder was not worth the while ;
All which the conqu'ror did discompt, 1105
To pay for curing of his rump^
But Sidrophel, as full of tricks
As Rota-men of politics.
Straight cast about to over-reach
Til' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 1110

And make him glad (at least) to quit
Kis victory, and fly the pit.
Before the secular prince of darkness
Arriv'd to seize upon his carcase :

ml. As the devil is the spiritual prince of darkness,
80 is the constable the secular, who governs in the night
with as great authority as his colleague, but far raor«
imj)eriousty.

176 HUDIBRAS.

And as a fox with hot pursuit 1115

Chas'd thro' a warren, casts about

To save his credit, and among

Dead vermin on a gallows hung,

And while the dogs ran underneath,

Escap'd (by counterfeiting death) 1120

Not out of cunning, but a train

Of atoms justling in his brain,

As learn'd philosophers give out.

So Sidrophello cast about,

And fell to 's wonted trade again, 1125

To feign himself in earnest slain :

First stretch'd out one leg, then another,

And seeming in his breath to smother

A broken sigh, quoth he. Where am I,

Alive or dead :" or which way came I, 1130

Through so immense a space so soon ?

But now I thought myself i' th' moon ;

And that a monster with huge whiskers,

More formidable than a Switzer's,

My body through and through had drill'd, 1135

And Whachum by my side had lulfd ;

Had cross-exam in'd both our hose,

And plunder'd all we had to lose.

Look, there he is : I see him now,

And feel the place I am run through : 1140

And there lies Whachum by my side

Stone dead, and in his own blood dy'd.

Oh! oh! With that he fetched a groan.

And fell again into a swoon ;

Shut both his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 1145

And to the life out-acted death;

That Hudibras, to all appearing,

Believ'd him to be dead as herring.

He held it now no longer safe

To tarry the return of Ralph, 1150

But rather leave him in the lurch :

Thought he, he has abus'd our church,

Refus'd to give himself one firk

To carry on the public work ;

Despis'd our synod-men like dirt, 1155

And made their discipline his sport ;

PART II.— CANTO III. 177

Divulg'd the secrets of their classes,

And their conventions prov'd high places;

Disparag'd their tithe-pigs as Pagan,

And set at nought their cheese and hacon; 1160

Rail'd at their Covenant, and jeer'd

Their rev'rend parsons, to my beard :

For all which scandals, to be quit

At once, this juncture falls out fit.

Pll make him henceforth to beware, 1165

And tempt my fury if he dare.

He must at least hold up his hand.

By twelve freeholders to be scann'd ;

VVho, by their skill in palmistry,

Will quickly read his destiny ; 1170

And make him glad to read his lesson,

Or take a turn for 't at the session ;

Unless his light and gifts prove truer

Than ever yet they did, I'm sure ;

For if he 'scape with whipping now, 1175

'Tis more than he can hope to do ;

And that will disengage my conscience

Of th' obligation in his own sense.

ril make him now by force abide

What he by gentle means deny'd, 1180

To give my honour satisfaction.

And right the brethren in the action.

This being resolv'd, with equal speed

And conduct he approach'd his steed,

And with activity unwont 1185

Assay'd the lofty beast to mount ;

Which once achiev'd, he spurr'd his palfrey,

To get from th' enemy and Ralph free :

Left dangers, fears, and foes behind,

And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 1190

I 2

178

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL.

Eece iterum Crispinus.-

Well ! Sidrophel, though 'tis in vain

To tamper with your crazy brain,

Without trepanning of your skull

As often as the moon's at full,

'Tis not amiss, ere y' are giv'n o'er, 5

To try one desp'rate medicine more :

For where your case can be no worse,

The desperat'st is the wisest course.

Is't possible that you, whose ears

Are of the tribe of Issachar's, 10

And might with equal reason) either

For merit, or extent of leather.

With William Pryn's, before they were

Retrench'd and crucify'd, compare.

Should yet be deaf against a noise 15

So roaring as the public voice .-'

That speaks your virtues free, and loud,

And openly, in ev'ry crowd,

As loud as one that sings his part

T' a wheel-barrow or turnip cart, 20

Or your new nick-nam'd old invention

To cry green bastings with an engine

(As if the vehemence had stunn'd.

And torn your drum-heads with the sound ;)

And 'cause your folly's now no news, 25

But overgrown, and out of use.

Persuade yourself there's no such matter,

But that 'tis vanish'd out of nature ;

When folly, as it grows in years.

The more extravagant appears ; 30

For who but you could be possest

With so much ignorance, and beast,

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 179

That neither all men's scorn and hate,

Nor being- laugh'd and pointed at,

Nor bray'd so often in a mortar, 35

Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture ;

But (like a reprobate) what course

Soever's us'd, g-row worse and worse ?

Can no transfusion of the blood.

That makes fools cattle, do you good ? 40

Nor putting pigs t' a bitch to nurse.

To tarn 'em into mongrel-curs,

Put you into a way, at least.

To make yourself a better beast?

Can all your critical intrigues 45

Of trying sound from rotten eggs;

Your several new found remedies

Of curing wounds and scabs in trees ;

Your arts of fluxing them for claps,

And purging their infected saps ; 50

Recov'ring shankers, crystallines,

And nodes and botches in their rinds,

Have no effect to operate

Upon that duller block, your pate?

But still it must be lewdly bent 55

To tempt your own due punishment ;

And, like your whimsy'd chariots, draw

The boys to course you without law ;

As if the art you have so long

Profess'd, of making old dogs young, 60

In you had virtue to renew - >

Not only youth, but childhood too.

Can you, that understand all books.

By judging only with your looks.

Resolve all problems with your face, 65

As others do with B's and A's ;

Unriddle all that mankind knows

With solid bending of your brows;

All arts and sciences advance.

With screwing of your countenance, TO

And, with a penetrating eye.

Into th' abstrusest learning prjr ;

Know more of any trade b' a hint.

Than those wlio have been bred up in't ;

180 HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL.

And yet have no art, true or false, 75

To help your own bad naturals ?

But still the more you strive t' appear,

Are found to be the wretcheder :

For fools are known by looking wise,

As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 80

Hence 'tis,that 'cause y' have gain'd o'th' college

A quarter-share (at most) of knowledge,

And brought in none, but spent repute,

Y' assume a pow'r as absolute

To judge, and censure, and control, 85

As if you were the sole Sir Poll ;

And saucily pretend to know

More than your dividend comes to.

You'll find the thing will not be done

With ignorance and face alone ; 90

No, though y' have purchas'd to your name.

In history, so great a fame ;

That now your talents, so well known,

For having all belief outgrown.

That ev'ry strange prodigious tale 95

Is measur'd by your German scale ;

By which the virtuosi try

The magnitude of ev'ry lie.

Cast up to what it does amount,

And place the bigg'st to your account ; 100

That all those stories that are laid

Too truly to you, and those made,

Are now still charg'd upon your score.

And lesser authors nam'd no more.

Alas ! that faculty betrays 105

Those soonest it designs to raise ;

And all your vain renown will spoil,

As guns o'ercharg'd the more recoil.

Though he that has but impudence,

To all things has a fair pretence ; 110

And put among his wants but shame

To all the world may lay his claim ;

Though you have try'd that nothing's borne

With greater ease than public scorn,

That all afironts do still give place 115

To your impenetrahle face,

PART III.— CANTO I. 181

That makes your way through all affairs,

As pigs through hedges creep with theirs ;

Yet as 'tis counterfeit and brass,

You must not think 'twill always pass ; 120

For all impostors, when they're known,

Are past their labour, and undone :

And all the best that can befal

An artificial natural.

Is that which madmen find, as soon 125

As once they're broke loose from the moon,

And, proof against her influence,

Relapse to e'er so little sense,

To turn stark fools, and subjects fit

For sport of boys, and rabble wit. 130

PART III.— CANTO I.

The Knight and Squire resolve at once

The one the other to renounce •

They both approach the Lady's bower,

The'Squire t' inform, the Knight to woo her.

She treats him with a masquerade,

By furies and hobgoblins made:

From which the Squire conveys the Knight,

And steals him from himself by night.

'Tis true, no lover has that pow'r

T' enforce a desperate amour.

As he that has two strings t' his bow,

And burns for love and money too;

For then he's brave and resolute, 5

Disdains to render in his suit,

Has all his flames and raptures double.

And hangs or drowns with half the trouble ;

While those who sillily pursue

The siiTiple, downright way, and true, 10

Make as unlucky applications.

And steer against the stream their passions.

Some forge their mistresses of stars.

And when the ladies prove averse.

And more untoward to be won 15

Than by Caligula the moon,

15. Caligula wa^ one of the emperors of Rome, son
of Germanicus and Agrippina. He would needs pass for
B god, and had the heads of the ancient statues of the

182 HUDIBRAS.

Cry out upon the stars, for doing

111 offices to cross their wooing ;

When only by themselves they're hind'red,

For trusting those they made her kindred ; 20

And still, the harsher and hide-bounder

The damsels prove, become the fonder.

For what mad lover ever dy'd

To gain a soft and gentle bride?

Or for a lady tender-hearted, 35

In purling streams or hemp departed?

Leap'd headlong int' Elysium,

Through th' windows of a dazzling room?

But from some cross, ill-natur"d dame,

The am'rous fly burnt in his flame. 30

This to the Knight could be no news,

With all mankind so much in use;

Who therefore took the wiser course,

To make the moit of his amours,

Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways, 35

As follows in due time and place.

No sooner was the bloody fight
Between the Wizard and the Knight,
With all th' appurtenances, over,
But he relaps'd again t' a lover ; 40

As he was always wont to do.
When h' had discomfited a foe ;
And us"d the only antique philters,
Deriv'd from old heroic tilters.
But now, triumphant and victorious, 45

He held th' achievement was too glorious
For such a conqueror to meddle
With petty constable or beadle ;
Or fly for refuge to the hostess
Of th' inns of court and chancery, Justice ; 50
Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause
To th' oideal trial of the laws ;
goils taken off, and his own placed on in their stead ;
and used to stand between the statues of Castor and
Pollux to be worshipped ; and often bragged of lying
wicli the moon. ,

43. Philters were love potions, reported to be much
in request in formor ages ; but our true knight-errant
hero made use of no other but what his noble achieve-
ments by his sword produced.

52. Ordeal trials were, when supposed criminals, to

PART m.— CANTO I. 183

Where none escape, but such as branded

With red-hot irons have past bare-handed ;

And, if they cannot read one verse 55

I' th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse.

He therefore judging it below him

To tempt a shame the devil might owe him,

Resolv'd to leave the Squire for bail

And mainprize for him to the gaol, 60

To answer, with his vessel, all

That might disastrously befal ;

And thought it now the fittest juncture

To give the lady a rencounter ;

T' acquaint her with his expedition, 65

And conquest o'er the fierce magician ;

Describe the manner of the fray,

And shew the spoils he brought away ;

His bloody scourging aggravate ;

The number of his blows, and weight ; 70

All which might probably succeed,

And gain belief h' had done the deed ;

Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and spare

No pawning of his soul to swear ;

But, rather than produce his back, 75

To set his conscience on the rack ;

And in pursuance of his urging

Of articles perform'd and scourging,

And all things else, upon his part,

Demand deliv'ry of her heart, 80

Her goods and chattels, and good graces.

And person, up to his embraces.

Thought he, the ancient errant knights

AVon all their ladies' hearts in fights ;

And cut whole giants into fritters, 85

To put them into amorous twitters ;

Whose stubborn bowels scorn'd to yield

Until their gallants were half kill'd :

But when their bones were drubb'd so sore

They durst not woo one combat more, 90

The ladies' hearts began to melt,

Subdu'd by blows their lovers felt.

discover tlieir innocence, went over several red-hot
coulter irons These were generally such whose chas-
lity was suspected, as the vestal virgins, &c.

184 HUDIBRAS.

So Spanish heroes, with their lances,

At once wound bulls and ladies' fancies,

And he acquires the noblest spouse 95

That widows greatest herds of cows :

Then what may I expect to do,

Wh' have quell'd so vast a buffalo?

Meanwhile, the Squire was on his way
The Knight's late orders to obey ; 100

Who sent him for a strong detachment
Of beadles, constables, and watchmen,
T' attack the cunning-man, for plunder
Committed falsely on his lumber ;
When he, who had so lately sack'd 105

The enemy, had done the fact ;
Had rifled all his pokes and fobs
Of grimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs.
Which he, by hook or crook, had gather'd,
And for his own inventions father'd : 110

And when they should, at gaol-delivery,
Unriddle one another's thievery.
Both might have evidence enough,
To render neither halter-proof
He thought it desperate to tarry, 115

And venture to be accessary ;
But rather wisely slip his fetters.
And leave them for the Knight, his betters.
He cali'd to mind th' unjust, foul play
He would have offer'd him that day, 120

To make him curry his own hide,
Which no beast ever did beside,
Without all possible evasion.
But of the riding dispensation ;
And therefore much about the hour 12:

The Knight (for reasons told before)
Resolv'd to leave them to the fury
Of justice, and an unpack'd jury,

93. The young Spaniards signalize their valour be-
fore the Spanish ladies at bull- feasts, which often prove
very hazardous, and sometimes fatal to them. It is
perlormed by attacking of a wild bull kept on purpose,
and let loose at the combatant ; and he that kills most
carries the laurel, and d.vv<'Ils highest in the ladies'
favour.

PART III— CANTO I. 185

The Sqaire concurred t' abandon him,

And serve him in tlie self-same trim ; 130

T' acquaint the lady what h' had done,

And what he meant to carry on ;

What project 'twas he went about,

When Sidrophel and he fell out ;

His firm and steadfast resolution, 135

To swear her to an execution ;

To pawn his inward ears to marry her,

And bribe the devil himself to carry her ;

In which both dwelt, as if they meant

Their party-saints to represent, 140

Who never fail'd, upon their sharing

In any prosperous arms-bearing',

To lay themselves out to supplant

Each other cousin German saint.

But, ere the Knight could do his part, 145

The Squire had got so much the start,

H' had to the lady done his errand,

And told her all his tricks aforehand.

Just as he finish'd his report.

The Knight alighted in the court ; 150

And having ty'd his beast t' a pale,

And taking time for both to stale.

He put his band and beard in order.

The sprucer to accost and board her :

And now began t' approach the door, 155

When she, wh' had spy'd him out before,

Convey'd tii' informer out of sight,

And went to entertain the Knight ;

With whom encountVing, after longees

Of humble and submissive congees, 160

And all due ceremonies paid.

He strok'd his beard, and thus he said :

Madam, I do, as is my duty.
Honour the shadow of your shoe-tie ;
And now am come to bring your ear 165

A present you'll be glad to hear:
At least 1 hope so : the thing's done.
Or may I never see the sun ;

137. His pxterinr ears were gone before, and so out of
daqger ; but by iiiwucci eai^ is here meant bis couscienca>

166 HUDIBRAS.

For which I humbly now demand
Performance at your gentle hand ; 170

And that you'd please to do your part,
As I have done mine, to my smart.

With that he shrugg'd his sturdy back,
As if he felt his shoulders ake.

But she, who well enough knew what 175
(Before he spoke) he wouW be at,
Pretended not to apprehend
The mystery of what he mean'd ;
And therefore wish'd him to expound
His dark expressions less profound. 180

Madam, quoth he, I come to prove
How much I've sufFer'd for your love,
Which (like your votary) to win,
I have not spar'd my tatter'd skin ;
And for those meritorious lashes, 185

To claim your favour and good graces.

Quoth she, I do remember once
I freed you from th' enchanted sconce ;
And that you promis'd, for that favour,
To bind your back to good behavioui, 190

And, for my sake and service, vow'd
To lay upon't a heavy load,
And what 'twould bear t' a scruple prove.
As other knights do oft mak^ love ;
Which whether you have done or no 195

Concerns yourself, not me, to kiiow;
But if you have, I shall confess
Y' are honester than I could guess.

Quoth he, If you suspect my troth,
I cannot prove it but by oath ; 200

And if you make a question on't,
I'll pawn my soul that I have done 't ;
And he that makes his soul his surety,
I think, does give the best security.

Quoth she, Some say, the soul's secure 205
Against distress and forfeiture ;
Is free from action, and exempt
From execution and contempt ;
And to be summon'd to appear
In th' other world's illegal here ; 210

PART HI.— CANTO I. 187

And therefore few make any account

Int' what incumbrances they run 't :

For most men carry things so even

Between this world, and hell, and heaven,

Without the least offence to either, 215

They freely deal in all together ;

And equally abhor to quit

This world for both, or both for it ;

And when they pawn and damn their souls.

They are but prisoners on paroles. 220

For that (quoth he) 'tis rational
They may be accountable in all :
For when there is that intercourse
Between divine and human pow'rs,
That all that we determine here 225

Commands obedience every where ;
When penalties may be commuted
For fines, or ears, and executed,
It follows, nothing binds so fast
As souls in pawn and mortgage past ; 230

For oaths are th' only tests and seals
Of right and wrong, and true and false ;
And there's no other way to try
The doubts of law and justice by.

Quoth she, What is it you would swear .' 235
There s no believujg till 1 hear ;
For, till they're understood, all tales
(Like nonsense) are not true nor false.

Quoth he, When I resolv'd t' obey
What you commanded th' other day, 240

And to perform my exercise,
(As schools are wont) for your fair eyes,
T' avoid all scruples in the case,
I went to do't upon the place :
But as the Castle is enchanted 245

By Sidrophel, the witch, and haunted
With evil spirits, as you know,
Who took my Squire and me for two,
Before Td hardly time to lay
My weapons by, and disarray, 250

1 heard a formidable noise,

188 HUDIBRAS.

Loud as the Stentrophonic voice,

That roar'd far off, Dispatch and strip,

rm ready with the infernal whip.

That shall divest thy ribs from skin, 255

To expiate thy linff'ring sin :

Th' hast broken perfidiously thy oath.

And not perform 'd thy phgfhted troth;

But spar'd thy renegado back,

"Where th' hadst so great a prize at stake ; 260

Which now the fates have order'd me

For penance and revenge to flea,

Unless thou presently make haste:

Time is, time was : And there it ceas'd.

With which, though startled, I confess, 265

Yet th' horror of the thing was less

Than th' other dismal apprehension

Of interruption or prevention ;

And therefore, snatching up the rod,

I laid upon my back a load ; 270

Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood,

To make my word and honour good ;

Till tir'd, and making truce at length,

For new recruits of breath and strength,

I felt the blows still ply'd as fast 275

As if th' had been by lovers plac'd,

Jn raptures of Platonic lashing,

ja And chaste contemplative bardashing;

T* When facing hastily about.

To stand upon my guard and scout, 280

I found th' infernal cunning-man,

And th' under-witch, his Caliban,

M'ith scourges (like the furies) arm'd.

That on my outward quarters storm'd.

In haste I snatched my weapon up, 285

And gave their hellish rage a stop ;

Call'd thrice upon your name, and fell

Courageously on Sidrophel ;

252. A speaking trumpet, by which the voice may
be heard at a great distance, very useful at sea.
^ 27G. Tliis alludes to some abject lechers, who used to

be disciplined with amorous lashes by tlieir mistresses.

PART III.— CANTO I. 189

^Vllo now tranhform'd himself t' a bear,
Began to roar aloud, and tear ; 290

When I as furiously pressed on,
My weapon down his throat to run ;
Laid hold on him ; but he broke loose
And turn'd himself into a goose ;
Div'd under water, in a pond, 295

To hide liimself from being found.
In vain I soaght him ; but, as soon
As I perceivM liim fled and gone,
Prepar'd with equal haste and rage,
His under-sorcerer t' engage. 300

But bravely scorning to defile
My sword with feeble blood and vile,
I judg'd it better from a quick-
Set hedge to cut a knotted stick,
With which 1 furiously laid on, 305

Till in a harsh and dolefiil tone.
It roar"d, O hold for pity, Sir:
I am too great a sufferer,
Abus'd, as you have been, b' a witch,
But conjur'd into a worse caprich ; 310

Who sends me out on many a jaunt.
Old houses in the night to haunt.
For opportunities t' improve
Designs of thievery or love ;
With drugs convey'd in drink or meat, 315
All feats of witches counterfeit;
Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass,
And make it for enchantment pass ;
With cow-itch meazle like a leper,
And choke with fumes of G uinea pepper ; 320
Make lechers, and their punks, with dewtry,
Commit fantastical advowtry ;
Bewitch Hermetic-men to run
Stark staring mad with manicon ;

323. Hermes Trismegistus, an Egyptian philosopher,
and said to have lived Anno Mundi2076, i!i the reign of
Ninus, after Moses. He was a wonderful philosopher,
and proved that there was but one God, the creator of all
things ; and was the author of several most excellent and
useful inventions. But those Hermelic-men here men-
tioned, though the pretended sectators of tliis great man,
are nothing else but a wild and extravagant sort of en-

190 HUDIBRAS.

Believe mechanic virtuosi 325

Can raise 'em mountains in Potosi;

And, sillier than the antic fools,

Take treasure for a heap of coals ;

Seek out for plants with signatures,

To quack of universal cures ; 330

With figures ground on panes of glass

Made people on their heads to pass ;

And mighty heaps of coin increase,

Reflected from a single piece,

To draw in fools, whose nat'ral itches 335

Incline perpetually to witches ;

And keep me in continual fears.

And danger of my neck and ears ;

When less delinquents have been scourg'd,

And hemp on wooden anvil forg'd, 340

Which others for cravats have worn

About their necks and took a turn.

I pity'd the sad punishment
The wretched caitiff underwent,
And left my drubbing of his bones, 345

Too great an honour for poltroons ;
For knights are bound to feel no blows
From paltry and unequal foes.
Who, when they slash, and cut to pieces,
Do all with civilest addresses : 350

Their horses never give a blow,
But when they make a leg, and bow.
1 therefore spar'd his flesh, and prest him
About the witch with many a question.

Quoth he, For many years he drove 355

A kind of broking-trade in love ;
Employed in all th' intrigues and trust
Of feeble, speculative lust :
Procurer to th' extravagancy
And crazy ribaldry of fancy, 360

By those the devil had forsook.
As things below him to provoke.

thiisiasts, who make a hndge- podge of religion and phi-
losophy, and produce nothing but what is the object of
every considering person's contempt.

326. Potosi is a city of Peru, the mountains whereof af-
ford great quantities of the finest silver in all ttae Indies.

PART III.— CANTO I. 191

But b'ing a virtuoso, able

To smaller, quack, and cant, and dabble,

He held liis talent most adroit 365

For any mystical exploit ;

As others of his tribe had done,

And rais'd their prices three to one :

For one predicting pimp has th' odds

Of chaldrons of plain downright bawds. 370

But as an elf (the devil's valet)

Is not so slight a thing to get;

For those that do his bus'ness best,

In hell are us'd the ruggedest ;

Before so meriting a person 375

Could get a grant, but in reversion.

He serv'd two 'prenticeships, and longer,

r th' mystVy of a lady-monger.

For (as some write) a witch's ghost,

As soon as from the body loos'd, 380

Becomes a puny imp itself.

And is another witch's elf:

He, after searching far and near,

At length found one in Lancashire,

With whom he bargain'd before-hand, 385

And. after hanging, entertain'd :

Since which h' has play'd a thousand feats.

And practis'd all mechanic cheats ;

Transforni'd hiinself to th' ugly shapes

Of wolves and bears, baboons and apes, 390

Which he has vary'd more than witches.

Or Pharoah's wizards, could their switches ;

And all with whom he has to do,

Turn'd to as monstrous figures too :

Witness myself, whom h' has abus'd, 395

And to this beastly shape reduc'd.

By feeding me on beans and peas,

He crams in nasty crevices,

And turns to comfits by his arts,

To make me relish for deserts, 400

And one by one, with shame and fear,

Lick up the candy 'd prt)vender.

Beside But as he was running on.

To tell what other feats h' had done.

192 HUDIBRAS.

The lady stopt his full career, 405

And told him now 'twas time to hear :

If lialf those things (said she) be true —

They're all, (quoth he,) I swear by you.

Why then (said she,) that Sidrophel

Has damn'd himself to th' pit of hell ; 410

Who, mounted on a broom, the nag

And hackney of a Lapland hag.

Inquest of you came hither post,

Within an hour (1 am sure) at most ;

Who told me all you swear and say, 415

Quite contrary another way;

Vow"d that you came to him to know

If you should carry me or no ;

And would have hir d him, and his imps,

To be your match-makers and pimps, 420

T' engage the devil on your side.

And steal (hke Proserpine) your bride.

But he disdaining to embrace

So filthy a design and base,

You fell to vapouring and huffing, 425

And drew upon him like a ruffian ;

Surprised him meanly, unprepar'd,

Before h' had time to mount his guard ;

And left him dead upon the ground.

With many a bruise and desperate wound : 430

Swore you had broke and robb'd his house,

And stole his talismanique louse,

And all his new-found old inventions.

With flat felonious intentions ;

Which he could bring out where he had, 435

And what he bought them for, and paid.

His flea, his morpion, and punaise,

H' had gotten for his proper ease ;

And all in perfect minutes made,

By th' ablest artists of the trade. 440

Which (he could prove it) since he lost,

He has been eaten up almost ;

And altogether might amount

To many hundreds on account ;

For which h' had got sufficient warrant 445

To seize the maleiactors errant,

PART III.-CANTO I. 193

Without capacity of bail,

But of a cart's or horse's tail ;

And did not doubt to bring the wretches

To serve for pendulums to watches ; 450

Which modern virtuosos say,

Incline to hanging every way.

Beside, he swore, and swore 'twas true,

That, ere he went in quest of you,

He set a figure to discover 455

If you were fled to Rye or Dover;

And found it clear, that, to betray

Yourselves and me, you fled this way ;

And that he was upon pursuit.

To take you somewhero hereabout, 460

He vow'd he had intelhgence

Of all that pass'd before and since ;

And found, that ere you came to him,

Y' had been engaging life and limb

About a case of tender conscience. 465

Where both abounded in your own sense ;

Till Ralpho, by his light and grace.

Had clear'd all scruples in the case.

And prov'd that you might swear and own

Whatever's by the wicked done ; 470

For which, most basely to requite

The service of his gifts and light.

You strove t' oblige him, by main force,

To scourge his ribs instead of yours ;

But that he stood upon his guard, 475

And all your vapouring out-dar'd ;

For which, between you both, the feat

Has never been perform'd as yet.

While thus the Lady talk'd, the Knight
Turn'd th' outside of his eyes to white, 480
(As men of inward light are wont
To turn their optics in upon't)
He wonder'd how she came to Imow
What he had done and meant to do ;
Held up his affidavit hand, 485

As if h' had been to be arraign'd ;
Cast t'wards the door a ghastly look.
In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke :

194 HUDIBRAS.

Madam, if but one word be true
Of all the wizard has told you, 490'

Or but one single circumstance
In all th' apocryphal romance,
May dreadful earthquakes swallow down
This vessel, that is all your own ;
Or may the heavens fall, and cover 495

These reliques of your constant lover.
• You have provided well, quoth she,
(I thank you) for yourself and me,
And shewn your Presbyterian wits
Jump punctual with the Jesuits ; 500'

A most compendious way, and civil.
At once to cheat the world, the devil,
And heaven and hell, yourselves, and those
On whom you vainly think t' impose.
Why then (quoth he) may hell surprise — 505
That trick (said she) will not pass twice :
I've learn'd how far I'm to believe
Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve.
But there's a better way of clearing
What you would prove than downright swear-
For if you have perform'd the feat, [ing

The blows are visible as yet.
Enough to serve for satisfaction
Of nicest scruples in the action :
And if you can produce those knobs, 515' ,

Although they're but the witch's drubs,
I'll pass them all upon account,
As if your natural self had done 't ;
Provided that they pass th' opinion
Of able juries of old women, 520'

Who, us'd to judge all malter of facts
For bellies, may do so for backs.

Madam, (quoth he) your love's a million;
To do is less than to be willing,
As 1 am, were it in my power, 525'

T' obey what you command, and more ;
But for performing what you bid,
J thank you 's much as if 1 did.
You know I ought to have a care
To. keep my vvuunds from taking,air ; 530'

PART III.— CANTO I. 195

For wounds in those tliat are all heart,
Are dangerous in any part.

I find (quoth she) my goods and chattels
Are like to prove but mere drawn battels ;
For still the longer we contend, 535

We are but farther off the end.
But granting now we should agree,
What is it you expect from me?
Your plighted faith (quoth he) and word
You past in heaven on record, 540

Where all contracts, to have and t' hold,
Are everlastingly enroll'd :
And if 'tis counted treason here
To raze records, 'tis much more there.

Quoth she, There are no bargains driv'n, 545
Nor marriages clapp'd up in heav'n.
And that's the reason, as some guess.
There is no heav'n in marriages ;
Two things that naturally press
Too narrowly to be at ease. 550

Their business there is only love.
Which marriage is not like t' improve
Love, that's too generous to abide
To be against its nature ty'd ;
For where 'tis of itself inclin'd, 555

It breaks loose when it is confin'd ;

And like the soul, its harbourer,

Debarr'd the freedom of the air.

Disdains against its will to stay.

But struggles out, and flies aw'ay ; 560

And therefore never can comply

T' endure the matrimonial tie,

That binds the female and the male.

Where th' one is but the other's bail ;

Like Roman jailers, whcjn they slept, 565

Chain'd to the prisoners they kept ;

Of which the true and faithfuU'st lover

Gives best security to suiFer.

Marriage is but a beast, some say.

That carries double in foul way ; 570

And therefore 'tis not to b' admir'd

It should so suddenly be tir'd f

196 HUDIBRAS.

A bargain at a venture made,

Between two partners in a trade ;

(For what's inferred by t' have and t' hold, 575

But something past away, and sold?)

That, as it makes but one of two,

Reduces all things else as low,

And, at the best, is but a mart

Between the one and th' other part, 580

That on the marriage-day is paid,

(Jr hour of death, the bet is laid;

And all the rest of better or worse,

Both are but losers out of purse ;

For when upon their ungot heirs 585

Th' entail themselves, and all that's theirs,

What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n,

Or wager laid at six and seven ?

To pass themselves away, and turn

Their children's tenants ere they're born? 590

Beg one another idiot

To guardians, ere they are begot ;

Or ever shall, perhaps, by th' one '

Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own,

Though got b' implicit generation, 595

And gen'ral club of all the nation ;

For which she's fortify 'd no less

Than all the island, with four seas;

Exacts the tribute of her dower,

In ready insolence and power; 600

And makes him pass away, to have

And hold, to her, himself, her slave,

More wretched than an ancient villain,

Condemn'd to drudgery and tilling ;

While all he does upon the by, 605

She is not bound to justify,

Nor at her proper cost and charge

Maintain the feats he does at large.

Such hideous sots were those obedient

Old vassals to their ladies regent, 610

To give the cheats the eldest hand

In foul play by the laws o' th' land ;

603. Villainage was an ancient tenure, by which the
enants were obliged to perform the most abject and
Blavish services for their lords.

PART III.— CANTO I. 197

For which so many a legal cuckold

Has been run down in courts and truckled ;

A law that most unjustly yokes 615

All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Noakes,

Without distinction of degree,

Condition, age, or quality ;

Admits no power of revocation,

Nor valuable consideration, 620

Nor writ of error, nor reverse

Of judgment past, for better or worse :

Will not allow the privileges

That beggars challenge under hedges, [horses

Who, wlien they're griev'd, can make dead

Their spiritual judges of divorces ; 626

While nothing else but Rem in Re

Can set the proudest wretches free ;

A slavery beyond enduring.

But that 'tis of their own procuring. 630

As spiders never seek the fly.

But leave him, of himself, t' apply,

So men are by themselves employ'd.

To quit the freedom they enjoy 'd,

And run their necks into a noose, 635

They'd break 'em after to break loose ;

As some, whom death would not depart,

Have done the feat themselves by art ;

Like Indian widows, gone to bed

In flaming curtains to the dead ; 640

And men as often dangled for't,

And yet will never leave the sport.

Nor do the ladies want excuse

For all the stratagems they use

To gain th' advantage of the set, 645

And lurch the amorous rook and cheat :

For as the Pythagorean soul

Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl,

639. The Indian women, richly attired, are carried in
a splendid and pompous machine to the funeral pile
where the bodies of their deceased husbands are to be
consumed, and their voluntarily throw themselves into
ij, and expire ; and such as refuse their virtue is ever
after suspected, and they live in the utmost contempt.

647. Ii was the opinion of Pythagoras and his follow

198 HUDIBRAS.

And has a smack of ev'ry one,
So love does, and has ever done ; 650

And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond,
Takes strangely to the vagabond.
'Tis but an ague that's reverst.
Whose hot fit takes the patient first.
That after burns with cold as much 655

As ir'n in Greenland does the touch ;
Melts in the furnace of desire
Like glass, that's but the ice of fire ;
And when his heat of fancy's over,
Becomes as hard and frail a lover : €60

For when he"s with love-powder laden,
And prim'd and cock'd by Miss or Madam,
The smallest sparkle of an eye
Gives fire to his artillery,

And off the loud oaths go ; hut, while 665

They're in the very act, recoil.
Hence 'tis so few dare take tlielr chance
Without a sep'rate maintenance ;
And widows, who have try"d one lover.
Trust none again, 'till th' have made over ; 670
Or if they do, before they marry,
The foxes weigh the gceae they carry ;
And ere they venture o"er a stream,
Know how to seize themselves and them ;
Whence wittiest ladies always choose 675

To undertake the heaviest goose :
For now the world is grown so wary,
■ That few of either sex dare marry.
But rather trust on tick t' amours.
The cross and pile for better or worse ; 680
A mode that is held honourable,
As well as French, and fashionable ;
For when it falls out for the best.
Where both are incommoded least,
In soul and body two unite, 685

To make up one hermaphrodite,

ers, that the soul transmigrated (as they termed it) into
all the diverse species of animals ; and so was differ-
ently disposed and afTected, according to their different
natures and constitutions.

PART m.— CANTO I. 193

■Still amorous, and fond, and hilling,

Like Philip and Mary on a shilling.

Th' have more punctilios and capriches

Between the petticoat and breeches, 690

More petulant extravagances.

Than poets make 'em in romances,

Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames.

We hear no more of charms and flames :

For tlien their late attracts decline, 695

And turn as eager as prick'd wine ;

And all their caterwauling tricks.

In earnest too as jealous piques :

Wliich th' ancients wisely signify 'd

iBy th' yellow mantuas oT the bride • 700

For jealousy is but a kind

Of clap and grincam of the mind.

The natural effects of love,

As other flames and aches do prove ;

But all the mischief is the doubt 705

On whose account they first broke out.

For though Chineses go to bed.

And lie in, in their ladies' stead,

And, for the pains they took before.

Are nurs'd and pamper'd to do more ; 710

Our green-men do it worse, when th' hap

To fall in labour of a clap :

Both lay the child to one another;

But who's the father, who the mother,

'Tis hard to say in multitudes, 715

Or who imported the French goods.

But health and sickness b'ing all one,

Which both engag'd before to own.

And are not with their bodies bound

To worship only when they're sound, 720

Both give and take their equal shares

Of all they suffer by false wares ;

A fate no lover can divert

With all his caution, wit, and art ;

707. The Chinese men of qualily, wlien their wivet
are brought to bed, are nursed and tended with as much
«are as women here, and are supplied with the best
strengthening and nourishing diet, in order to qualify
fiteta for future services.

200 HUDIBRAS.

For 'tis in vain to think to guess 725

At women by appearances,

That paint and patch tiieir imperfections

Of intellectual complexions.

And daub their tempers o'er with washes

As artificial as their faces ; 730

Wear under vizard-masks their talents,

And mother-wits before their gallants,

Until they're hamper'd in the noose,

Too fast to dream of breaking loose ;

When all the flaws they strove to liide 735

Are made unready with the bride,

That with her wedding-clothes undresses

Her complaisance and gentilesses j

Tries all her arts to take upon lier

The government from tb' easy owner; 740

Until the wretch is glad to waive

His lawful right, and turn her slave ;

Find all his having and iiis holding

Redue'd t' eternal noise and scolding ;

The conjugal petard that tears 745

Down all portcullisses of ears.

And makes the volley of one tongue

For all their leathern shields too strong;

When only arm'd with noise and nails,

The female silk-worms ride the males, 750

Transform 'em into rams and goats.

Like Sirens, with their charming notes ;

Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade.

Or those enchanting murmurs made

By th' husband mandrake and the wife, 755

Both bury'd (like themselves) alive.

Quoth he, These reasons are but strains
Of wanton, overheated brains,

751 The Sirens, according to the poets, were three
8ea-nionsters, half women and lialf fish ; their names
were Parthenope, Lignea, and Lencosia. Their usual
residence was about the island of Sicily, where, by the
charming melody of their voices, they used to detain
those that heard them, and then transform them into
Some sort of brute animals.

755. Naturalists report, that If a male and female-
mandrake lie near each other, there will often be hear*
., sort of murmuring noise*

PART III.— CANTO I. 201

Which ralliers, in their wit, or drink,

Do rather wheedle with than think. 760

Man was not man in paradise,

Until he was created twice.

And had his better half, his bride,

Carv'd from the original, his side,

T' amend his natural defects, 765

And perfect his recruiting sex;

Enlarge his breed at once, and lessen

The pains and labour of increasing,

By changing them for other cares.

As by his dry'd up paps appears. 770

His body, that stupendous frame,

Of all the world the anagram,

Is of two equal parts compact.

In shape and symmetry exact,

Of which the left and female side 775

Is to the manly right a bride ;

Both join'd together with such art,

That nothing else but death can part.

Those heav'nly attracts of yours, your eyes.

And face that all the world surprise, 780

That dazzle all that look upon ye.

And scorch all other ladies tawny ;

Those ravishing and charming graces

Are all made up of two half faces,

That in a mathematic line, 785

Like those in other heavens, join.

Of which if either grew alone,

'T would fright as much to look upon :

And so would that sweet bud your lip,

Without the other's fellowship. 790

Our noblest senses act by pairs ;

Two eyes to see ; to hear, two ears ;

Th' intelligencers of the mind,

To wait upon the soul design 'd ;

But those that serve the body alone, 795

Are single, and confin'd to one.

The world is but two parts, that meet

And close at th' equinoctial fit ;

797. The eg.uinociial divides the globe into north
and soulh.

K2

902 HUDIBRAS.

And so are all the works of Nature,

Stamp'd with her signature on matter ; 800

Which all her creatures, to a leaf,

Or smallest blade of grass, receive ;

All which sufficiently declare

How entirely marriage is her care, —

The only method that she uses 805

In all the wonders she produces :

And those that take their rules from her

Can never be deceiv'd nor err.

For what secures the civil life.

But pawns of children, and a wife ? 810

That lie hke hostages at stake.

To pay for all men undertake ;

To whom it is as necessary

As to be born and breathe, and marry ;

So universal, all mankind 815

In nothing else is of one mind.

For in what stupid age, or nation,

Was marriage ever out of fashion i"

Unless among the Amazons,

Or cloister 'd friars, and vestal nuns ; 820

Or Stoics, who, to bar the freaks

And loose excesses of the sex,

Prepost'rously would have all women

Turn'd up to all the world in common.

Though men would find such mortal feuds, 825

In sharing of their public goods,

'Twould put them to more charge of lives.

Than they're supply 'd with now by wives ;

Until they graze, and wear their clothes,

As beasts do, of their native growths : 830

For simple wearing of their horns

Will not suffice to serve their turns.

For what can we pietend to inherit.

Unless the marriage-deed will bear it ?

819. The Amazons were women of Scythia, of heroic
and great achievements. They suffered no men to live
among them ; but once every year used to have conver-
sation with men of the neighbouring countries, by which
if they had a male child, they pre.sently either killed or
trippled it; but if a female, they brought it up to the use
of arms, and burnt oflF one breast, leaving the other to
euckle girls.

PART m.— CANTO I. 203

Could claim no right to lands or rents, 835

But for our parents' settlements ;

Had been but younger sons o' th' earth.

Debarred it all, but tor our birth.

What honours, or estates of peers,

Could be preserved but by their heirs ? 840

And what security maintains

Their right and title, but the bans ?

What crowns could be hereditary,

If greatest monarchs did not marry,

And with their consorts consummate 845

Their weightiest interests of state?

For all the amours of princes ar«

But guarantees of peace or war.

Or what but marriage has a charm

The rage of empires to disarm, 850

Make blood and desolation cease,

And fire and sword unite in peace.

When all their fierce contests for forage

Conclude in articles of marriage?

Nor does the genial bed provide 855

Less for the int'rests of the bride ;

Who else had not the least pretence

T' as much as due benevolence ;

Could no more title take upon her

To virtue, quaUty, and honour, 860

Than ladies-errant unconfin'd,

And feme-coverts to all mankind.

All women would be of one piece,

Tiie virtuous matron and the miss;

The nymphs of chaste Diana's train, 863

The same with those in Lewkner's Lane,

But for the difference marriage makes

'Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes ;

Besides the joys of place and birth.

The sex's paradise on earth ; 870

A privilege so sacred held.

That none will to their mothers yield ;

865. Diana's nymphs, all of whom vowed perpetual
virginity, and were much celebrated for the exact ob-
eervation oC their vow.

866. Lewkner's Lane some years ago swarmed with
Dctoriousjy lascivious and profligate strumpets.

204 HUDIBRAS.

But rather than not go before,

Abandon heaven at the door.

And if th' indulgent law allows 875

A greater freedom to the spouse,

The reason is, because the wife

Runs greater hazards of her life ;

Is trusted with the form and matter

Of all mankind by careful Nature : 880

Where man brings nothing but the stuff

She frames the wondrous fabric of;

Who therefore, in a strait, may freely

Demand the clergy of her belly,

And make it save her the same way 885

It seldom misses to betrjiy ;

Unless both parties wisely enter

Into the liturgy indenture.

And though some fits of sra all contest

Sometimes fall out among the best, 890

That is no more than evVy lover

Does from his hackney-lady suffer :

That makes no breach of faith and love.

But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve.

For as, in running, evVy pace 895

Is but between two legs a race.

In which both do their uttermost

To get before, and win the post,

Yet when they're at their race's ends.

They're still as kind and constant friends, 900

And, to lelieve their weariness,

By turns give one another ease ;

So all those false alarms of strife

Between the husband and the wife,

And little quarrels, often prove 905

To be but new recruits of love ;

When those wh' are always kind or coy,

In time must either tire or cloy.

Nor are their loudest clamours more

Than as they're relish'd sweet or sour ; 910

Like music, that proves bad or good.

According as 'tis understood.

877. Demanding the clergy of her belly, which, for
Ihe reason aforesaid is pleaded in excuse by those who
take the liberty to oblige tliemaelves and friends.

PART ni.— CANTO I. 205

In all amours, a lover burns

Witli frowns as well as smiles by turns ;

And hearts have been as oft with sullen 915

As charming looks surpris'd and stolen.

Then why should more bewitching clamour

Some lovers not as much enamour?

For discords make the sweetest airs,

And curses are a kind of prayers ; 920

Too slight alloys for all those grand

Felicities by marriage gain'd.

For nothing else has powV to settle

Th' interests of love perpetual ;

An act and deed, that makes one heart 925

Eecome another's counterpart,

And passes fines on faith and love,

Enroird and register'd above,

To seal the slippery knots of vows,

"Which nothing else but death can loose. 930

And what security's too strong.

To guard the gentle heart from wrong,

That to its friend is glad to pass

Itself away, and all it has;

And, like an anchorite, gives over 935

This world for th' heaven of a lover.'

I grant (quoth she there are some few
"Who take that course, and find it true ;
But millions whom the same doth sentence
To heav'n b' another way — repentance. 940
Love's arrows are but shot at rovers.
Though all they hit they turn to lovers ;
And all the weighty consequents
Depend upon more blind events
Than gamesters, when they play a set 945
With greatest cunning at piquet,
Put out with caution, but take in
They know not what, unsight, unseen.
For what do lovers, when they're fast
in one another's arms embrac'd, 950

But strive to plunder, and convey
Each other, hke a prize, away ?
To change the phoperty of selves,
As sucking children are by elves ?

206 HUDIBRAS.

And if they use their persons so, 955

What will they to their fortunes do ?

Their fortunes ! the perpetual aims

Of all their ecstasies and flames.

For when the money's on the book,

And, All my worldly goods — but spoke 960

(The formal livery and seisin

That puts the lover in possession,)

To that alone the bridegroom's wedded ;

The bride a flam that's superseded :

To that their faith is still made good, 965

And all the oaths to us they vow'd :

For when we once resign our pow'rs,

W have nothing left we can call ours :

Our money's now become tlie Miss

Of all your lives and services ; 970

And we, forsaken and postpon'd,

But bawds to what before we own'd ;

Which, as it made y' at first gallant us,

So now hires others to supplant us.

Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors 975

(As we had been) for new amours :

For what did ever heiress yet

By being born to lordships get ?

When the more lady sh' is of manors,

She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 980

Pays for their projects and designs,

And for her own destruction fines ;

And does but tempt them with her riches.

To use her as the dev'l does witches ;

Who takes it for a special grace 985

To be their cully for a space.

That when the time's expir'd, the drazels

For ever may become his vassals :

So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits.

Betrays herself and all sh' inherits : 990

Is bought and sold like stolen goods.

By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds,

Until they force her to convey,

And steal the thief himself away.

These are the everlasting fruits 995

Of all your passionate love-suits,

PART III.— CANTO I. 207

Th' effects of all your amorous fancies

To portions and inheritances ;

Your love-sick rapture for fruition

Of dowry, jointure, and tuition ; 1000

To which you make address and courtship.

And with your bodies strive to worship,

That th' infants' fortunes may partake

Of love too, for the mother's sake.

For these you play at purposes, 1003

And love your loves with A's and B's.

For these at Beste and L'Ombre woo,

And play for love and money too ;

Strive who shall be the ablest man

At right gallanting of a fan ; 1010

And who the most genteelly bred

At sucking of a vizard-bead ;

How best t' accost us in all quarters,

T' our question-and-command new Garters ;

And solidly discourse upon 1015

All sorts of dresses pro and con ;

For there's no mystery nor trade.

But in the art of love is made ;

And when you have more debts to pay

Than Michaelmas and Lady-Day, 1020

And no way possible to do *t,

But love and oaths, and restless suit,

To us y' apply to pay the scores

Of all your cully'd past amours ;

Act o'er your flames and darts again, 1025

And charge us with your wounds and pain ;

Which others' influences long since

Have charm'd your noses with, and shins ;

For which the surgeon is unpaid,

And like to be, witiiout our aid. 1030

Lord '. what an am'rous thing is want !

How debts and mortgages enchant !

What graces must that lady have

That can from executions save !

What charms that can reverse extent, 1035

And null decree and exigent I

What magical attracts and graces,

That can redeem from scire facias !

203 HUDIBRAS.

From bonds and statutes can discharge,

And from contempts of court enlarge I 1040

These are the highest excellencies

Of all your true or false pretences;

And you would damn yourselves, and owear

As much t' an hostess dowager,

Grown fat and pursy by retail 1045

Of pots of beer and bottled ale,

And find her fitter for your turn,

For fat is wondrous apt to burn ;

Who at your flames would soon take fire.

Relent, and melt to your desire, 1050

And, like a candle in the socket.

Dissolve her graces int' your pocket.

By this time 'twas grown dark and late.
When th" heard a knocking at the gate.
Laid on in haste, with such a powder, 1055
The blows grew louder still and louder ;
Which Hudibras, as if th' had been,
Bestow'd as freely on his skin,
Expounding by his inward light.
Or rather more prophetic fright, 1060

To be the wizard, come to search,
And take him napping in the lurch,
Tum'd pale as ashes, or a clout,
But why or wherefore is a doubt ;
For men will tremble, and turn paler, 1065
With too much or too little valour.
His heart laid on, as if it try'd
To force a passage through his side,
Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em,
But in a fury to fly at 'em ; 1070

And therefore beat, and laid about.
To find a cranny to creep out.
But she, who saw in what a taking
The Knight was by his furious quating.
Undaunted cry'd, Courage, Sir Knight! 1075
Know, I'm resolv'd to break no rite
Of hospitality t' a stranger ;
But to secure you out of danger,
Will here myself stand sentinel.
To guard this pass 'gainst Sidrophel, 1060

PART UI.— CANTO I. 209

Women, you know, do seldom fail

To make the stoutest men turn tail :

And bravely scorn to turn their backs

Upon the desp Vatest attacks.

At this the Knight grew resolute 1085

As Ironside and Ilardiknute :

His fortitude began to rally,

And out he cryM aloud to sally,

But she besought him to convey

His courage rather out o' th' way, 1090

And lodge in ambush on tlie floor,

Or (brtify'd behind a door ;

That if the enemy should enter,

He might relieve her in th' adventure.

Meanwhile they knock'd against the door
As fierce as at the gate before, 1096

Which made the renegado Knight
Relapse again t' his former fright.
He thought it desperate to stay
Till til' enemy had forc'd his way, 1100

But rather post himself, to serve
The lady, for a fresh reserve.
His duty was not to dispute.
But what sh' had order'd execute;
Which he resolv'd in haste t'obey, 1105

And therefore stoutly march'd away ;
And all h' encounter'd fell upon,
Though in the dark, and all alone ;
Till fear, that braver feats performs
Than ever courage dar'd in arms, 1110

Had drawn him up before a pass,
To stand upon his guard and face ;
This he courageously invaded,
And having enter'd, barricado'd,
Insconc'd himself as formidable 1115

As could be underneath a table.
Where he lay down in ambush close,
T' expect th' arrival of his foes.
Few minutes he had lain perdue.
To guard his desp'rate avenue, 1120

1086. Two famous and valiant princes of this coun-
try ; the one a Saxon, the other a Dane

210 HUDIBRAS.

Before he heard a dreadful shout,

As loud as putting to the rout,

With whicii impatiently alann'd,

He fancy'd th' enemy had storm 'd,

And, after ent'ring, Sidrophel 1125

Was falfn upon the guards pell-mell :

He therefore sent out all his senses,

To bring him in intelligences,

Which vulgars out of ignorance,

Mistake for falling in a trance ; 1130

But those who trade in geomancy,

Affirm to be the strength of fancy ;

In which the Lapland Magi deal.

And things incredible reveal.

Meanwhile the foe beat up his quarters, 1135

And storm'd the outworks of his fortress:

And as another of the same

Degree and party, in arms and fame,

That in the same cause had engag'd.

And war with equal conduct wag'd, 1140

By venfring only but to thrust

His head a span beyond his post,

B' a gen'ral of the cavaliers

Was dragg'd thro' a window by the ears ;

So he was serv'd in his redoubt, 1145

And by the other end pull'd out.

Soon as they had him at their mercy,
They put him to the cudgel fiercely.
As if they'd scorn to trade or barter.
By giving or by taking quarter : 1150

They stoutly on his quarters laid,
Until his scouts came in t' his aid ;
For when a man is past his sense.
There's no way to reduce him thence.
But twinging him by tli' ears or nose, 1155
Or laying on of heavy blows

1131. The Lapland Magi. The Laplanders are an
idolatrous people, far north ; and It is very credibly re-
ported by authors and persofis that have travelled in
llieir country, that they do perforin things iucre<lible ity
jwJiat is vulgarly called magic.

PART m.— CANTO I. 2U

And if that will not do the deed,

To burning witii hot irons proceed.

No sooner was he come t' himself,

But on his neck a sturdy elf 1160

Clapp'd, in a trice, his cloven hoof,

And thus attack 'd him with reproof:

Mortal, thou art betray "d to us
B' our friend, thy Evil Genius,
Who, for thy horrid perjuries, 1165

Thy breach of faith, and turning lies,
The brethren's privilege (against
The wicked) on themselves, the saints,
Has here thy wretched carcass sent
For just revenge and punishment ; 1170

Wliich tiiou hast now no way to lessen,
But by an open free confession ;
For if we catch thee failiog once,
'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones.

What made thee venture to betray, 1175
And filch the lady's heart away?
To spirit her to matrimony f^-
That which contracts all matches — money^
It was th' enchantment of her riches
That made m' apply t' your crony witches, 1180
That, in return, would pay th' expense,*
The wear and tear of conscience ;
Which I could have patch'd up, and turn'd,
For th' hundredth part of what I eam'd. •

Didst thou not love her, then? Speak true.
No more (quoth he) than I love you. — 1186
How would'st th' have us'd her, and her money i
First turn'd her up to alimony.
And laid hor dowry out in law.
To null her jointure witli a flaw, 1190

'Which I before-hand had agreed
T' have put, on purpose in the deed ;
And bar her widow's making over
T' a friend in trust, or private lover.

What made thee pick and choose her out,

T' employ their sorceries about? — 1196

That which makes gamesters play with those

Who have least wit, and most to lose.

1153. An allusion to cauterizing in apoplexies, &c

212 HUDIDRAS.

But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus,
As thou hast damn'd thyself to va? 1200

I see you take me for an ass :
'Tis true, I thought the trick would pass
Upon a woman well enough,
As 't has been often found by proof;
Whose humours are not to be won, 1205

But when they are impos'd upon :
For love approves of all they do
That stand for candidates, and woo.

Why didst thou forge those shameful lies
Of bears and witches in disguise? 1210

That is no more than authors give
The rabble credit to believe ;
A trick of following their leaders.
To entertain their gentle readers :
And we have now no other way 1215

Of passing all we do or say ;
Which, when 'tis natural and true.
Will be beJiev'd b' a very few,
Beside the danger of offence,
The fatal enemy of sense. 1220

Why didst thou choose that cursed sm,
Hypocrisy, to set up in ?

Because it is the thriving'st calling.
The only sainf-bell that rings all in ;
In which all churches are concern'd, 1225

And'is tlie easiest to be learn'd .
For no degrees, unless they employ 't,
Can ever gain much, or enjoy 't :
A gift that is not only able
To domineer among the T-dfbtA j, 1230

But by the laws impower'd to rout.
And awe the greatest that stand out ;
Which few hold forth against, for fear
Their hands should slip, and come too near;
For no sin else among the saints 1235

Is taught so tenderly against.

What made thee break thy plighted vows.'—
That which makes others break a house,
And hang, and scorn ye all, before
Endure the plague of being poor. 1240

PART III.— CANTO I. 213

Quoth he, I see you have more tricks
Than all our doating politics,
That are grown old, and out of fashion;
Compar'd with your New Reformation;
That we must come to school to you, 1245
To learn your more refin'd and new.

Quoth he, if you will give me leave
To tell you what I now perceive,
You"!! find yourself an arrant chouse,
If y' were but at a meeting-house. — 1250

Tis true, (quoth he) we ne'er come there,
Because wi' have let 'em out by th' year.

Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine
Wiiat wondrous things they will engage in :
That as your fellow-fiends in hell 1255

Were angels all before they fell,
So are you like to be agen,
Compar'd with th' angels of us men.

Quoth he, 1 am resolv'd to be
Thy scholar in this mystery ; 1260

And therefore first desire to know
Some principles on which you go.

What makes a knave a child of God,
And one of us.' — A livelihood.

What renders beating out of brains, 1265
And murder, godliness .-' — Great gains.

What's tender conscience ? — 'Tis a botch,
That will not bear the gentlest touch ;
But breaking out, dispatches more
Than th' epidemical'st plague-sore. 1270

What makes y' encroach upon our trade,
And damn all others ? — To be paid.

What's orthodox, and true believing
Against a conscience .'' — A good living.

What makes rebelling against kings 1275
A good old cause i" — Administ'rings.

What makes old doctrines plain and clear.''—
About two hundred pounds a year.

And that which was prov'd true before,
Prove false again .'' — Two hundred more. 1280

, What makes the breaking of all oaths
A holy duty .' — Food and clothes.

214 HUDIBRAS.

What laws and freedom, persecution? —
B'ing out of pow'r and contribution. 128/

What makes a church a den of thieves?
A dean and chapter, and white sleeves.

And what would serve if those were gone,
To make it orthodox ? — Our own.

What makes morahty a crime,
The most notorious of the time; 1290

Morality, which both the saints
And wicked too cry out against ? —
'Cause grace and virtue are within
Prohibifed degrees of kin ;
And therefore no true saint allows 129S

They shall be suffered to espouse :
For saints can need no conscience,
That with morality dispense ;
As virtue 's impious, when 'tis rooted
.1 nature only, and not imputed : 1300

-Jut why ihe wicked should do so,
A^e neither know, or care to do.

Wliafs liberty of conscience,
. ' th' natural and genuine sense ?
'Tis to restore, with more security, 1305

Rebellion to its ancient purity;
And Christian liberty reduce
To th' elder practice of the Jews.
For a large conscience is all one.
And signifies the same with none. 1310

It is enough (quoth he) for once.
And has reprieved thy forfeit bones :
Nick Machiavel had ne'er a trick
(Though he gave his name to our Old Nick)
But was below the least of these, 1315

That pass i' th' world for holiness.

This said, the furies and the light
In th' instant vanish'd out of sight,
And left him in the dark alone.
With stinks of brimstone and his own. 1320
The Queen of Night, whose large command
Rules all the sea, and half the land,

1321. The moun infliipnces the tides, and predomi-
nates over all humid bodies ; and persons- distempered
in mind are called lunatics.

PART III.— CANTO L 215

And over moist and crazy brains,

In higli sprincr-tides, at midnight reigns,

Was now declining to the west, 132S

To go to bed, and take her rest ;

When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows

Deny'd his bones that soft repose.

Lay still, expecting worse and more,

Stretch'd out at length upon the floor : 1330

And though he shut his eyes as fast

As if he 'd been to sleep his last,

Saw all tlie shapes that fear or wizards

Do make the devil wear for vizards ;

And pricking up his ears, to heark 1335

If he could hear too in the dark.

Was first invaded with a groan,

And after, in a feeble tone.

These trembling words : Unhappy wretch!

What hast thou gotten by this fetch, 1340

Of all thy tricks, in this new trade.

Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade?

By sauntVing still on some adventure.

And growing to thy horse a Centaur?

To stuff thy skin with sv/elling knobs 1345

Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs?

For still th' hast had the worst on't yet,

As well in conquest as defeat.

Night is the sabbath of mankind,

To rest the body and the mind, 1350>

Which now thou art deny'd to keep.

And cure thy laboured coq>se with sleep.

The Knight, who heard tbe words, explain'd
As meant to him this reprimand.
Because the character did hit 1355

Point-blank upon his case so fit ;
Believ'd it was some drolling sprite,
That staid upon the guard that night.
And one of those h' had seen, and felt
The drubs he had so freely dealt ; 1360

1344. The Centaurs were a people of Thessaly, and
supposed to be the first managers of horses ; and the
neighbouring inhabitants never liaving seen any such
thing before, fabulously reported them monsters, halt
men and half horses.

216 HUDIBRAS.

When, after a short pause and groan,

The doleful spirit thus went on :
This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears

Pell-mell together by the ears,

And, after painful bangs and knocks, 1365

To lie in limbo in the stocks,

And from the ])innacle of glory

Fall headlong into purgatory.

(Thought he, this devil's full of malice,

That on my late disasters rallies.) 1370

Condemn'd to whipping, but declin'd it,

By being more heroic minded ;

And at a riding handled worse.

With treats more slovenly and coarse :

Engaged with fiends in stubborn wars, 1375

And hot disputes with conjurers ;

And when th' hadst bravely won the day,

Wast fain to steal thyself away.

(I see, tiiought he, this shameless elf

Would fain steal me too from myself, 1380

That impudently dares to own

What I have suffered for and done.)

And now, but vent'ring to betray.

Hast met with vengeance the same way.

Thought he, how does the devil know 1385
What 'twas that I design 'd to do ?
His office of intelligence.
His oracles, are ceas'd long since ;
And he knows nothing of the saints,
But what some treacherous spy acquaints. 1390
That is some pettifogging fiend.
Some under door-keeper's friend's friend,
That undertakes to understand,
And juggles at the second-hand ;
And now would pass for Spirit Po, 1395

And all men's dark concerns foreknow.
I think I need not fear him for't ;
These rallying devils do no hurt.
With that he rous'd his drooping heart,
And hastily cry'd out. What art^ 1400

A wretch (quoth he) whom want of grace
Has brought to this unhappy place.

PART III.— CANTO I. 217

I do believe thee, quoth the Knight ;
Thus far I'm sure tli' art in the right ;
And know wlial 'tis that troubles thee, 1405
Better than thou hast guess'd of me.
Thou art some paltry, blackguard sprite,
Condemned to drudg'ry in the night ;
Thou hast no work to do in th' house,
Nor halfpenny to drop in shoes ; 1410

Without the raising of which sum
You dare not be so troublesome
To pinch the slatterns black and blue,
For leaving you their work to do.
This is your business, good Pug-Robin, 1415
And your diversion dull dry-bobbing,
T' entice fanatics in the dirt,
And wash them clean in ditches fort ;
Of which conceit you are so proud,
At ev"ry jest you laugh aloud, 1420

As now you would have done by me,
But that 1 barr'd your raillery.

Sir (quoth the voice,) y' are no such Sophi
As you would have the world judge of ye.
If you design to weigh our talents 1425

r th' standard of your own false balance,
Or think it possible to know
Us ghosts as well as we do you ;
We, who have been the everlasting
Companions of your drubs and basting, 1430
And never left you in contest,
With male or female, man or beast,
But prov'd as true t' ye, and entire,
In all adventures, as your Squire.

Quoth he. That may be said as true 1435
By th' idlest pug of all your crew :
For none could have betray'd us worse
Than those allies of ours and yours.
But I have sent him for a token
To your low-country Hogen-Mogen, 1440

1423. Sophi is at present the name of the kings of
Persia, not superadded, as Pharaoh waste the kings of
Eavpt, but the name of the family itself, and religiOB
ofHali, whose descendants by Fatima, Mahomet'*
daughter, took the name of Sophi.

218 HUDIBRAS.

To whose infernal shores I hope

He'll swing like skippers in a rope.

And if y' have been more just to me

(As I am apt to think) than he,

I am afraid it is as true, 1445

What th' ill-affected say of you :

Y' have spous'd the Covenant and Cause,

By holding up your cloven paws.

Sir, (quoth the voice,) 'tis true, I grant,
We made and took the Covenant ; 1450

But that no more concerns the Cause
Than other perj'ries do the laws.
Which, when they're prov'd in open court,
Wear wooden peccadillos for't :
And that's the reason Cov'nanters 1455

Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars.

I see, quoth Hudibras, from whence
These scandals of the samts commence,
That are but natural effects
Of Satan's malice, and his sects, 1460

Those spider-saints, that hang by threads,
Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads.

Sir, (quoth the voice) that may as true
And properly be said of you,
Whose talents may compare with either, 1465
Or both the other put together :
For all the Independents do
Is only what you forc'd 'em to ;
You, who are not content alone
With tricks to put the devil down, 1470

But must have armies rais'd to back
The gospel work you undertake ;
As if artillery, and edge-tools.
Were th' only engines to save souls :
While he, poor devil, has no pow'r 1475

By force to run down and devour ;
Has ne'er a Classis ; cannot sentence
To stools, or poundage of repentance ;
Is ty'd up only to design,
T' entice, and tempt, and undermine ; 1480

1454. Peccadillos were stiff pieces that went about
the neck,and round about the shoulders, to pin the band,
worn by persons nice 'n dressing ; but his wooden una
is a pillory.

PART III.— CANTO I. 219

In which you all his arts outdo,
And prove yourselves his betters too.
Hence 'tis possessions do less evil
Than mere temptations of the devil,
Which all the horrid'st actions done 1485

Are charg'd in courts of law upon
Because, unless they help the elf.
He can do little of himself ;
And therefore where he's best possess'd,
Acts most against the interest ; 1490

Surprises none, but those wh' have priests
To turn him out, and exorcists.
Supply 'd with spiritual provision,
And magazines of ammunition;
With crosses, relics, crucifixes, 1495

Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes ;
The tools of working out salvation
By mere mechanic operation ;
With holy water, like a sluice.
To overflow all avenues : 1500

But those wh' are utterly unarm'd
T' oppose his entrance, if he storm'd,
He never offers to surprise.
Although his falsest enemies ;
But is content to be their drudge, 1505

And on their errands glad to trudge :
For where are all your forfeitures.
Intrusted in safe hands, but ours ?
Who are but jailers of the holes
And dungeons where you clap up souls ; 1510
Like under-keepers, turn the keys,
T' your mittimus anathemas ;
And never boggle to restore
The members you deliver o'er
Upon demand, with fairer justice 1515

Than all your covenanting Trustees ;
Unless, to punish them the worse.
You put them in the secular pow'rs,
And pass their souls, as some demise
The same estate in mortgage twice ; 1520

1483. Criminals, in their indictments, are charged
witli not having the fear of God before their eyes, but
being led by the instigation of the devil.

220 HtfDIBRAS.

When to a legal Utlegation

You turn your excommunication,

And for a groat unpaid, that's due,

Distrain on soul and body too.
Thought he, 'tis no mean part of civil 1525

State prudence to cajole the devil;

And not to handle him too rough,

When h' has us in his cloven hoof.
'Tis true, quoth he, that intercourse

Has pass'd between your friends and ours, 1530

That as you trust us. in our way,

To raise your members, and to lay.

We send you others of our own.

Denounced to hang themselves or drown,

Or, frighted with our oratory, 1535

To leap down headlong many a story ;

Have us'd all means to propagate

Your mighty interests of state;

Laid out our spiritual gifts to further

Your great designs of rage and murther. 1540

For if the saints are nam'd from blood.

We only have made that title good ;

And if it were but in our power.

We should not scruple to do more,

And not be half a soul behind 1545

Of all dissenters of mankind.

Right, quoth the voice, and as I scorn
To be ungrateful, in return
Of all those kind good offices,
ril free you out of this distress, 1550

And set you down in safety, where
It is no time to tell you here.
The cock crows, and the morn grows on.
When 'tis decreed I must be gone ;
And if I leave you here till day, 1555

You'll find it hard to get away.

With that the spirit grop'd about,
To find th' enchanted hero out,

1521. When they return the excommunication into the
Chancery, there is issued out a writ asainst the person.

1524. Excommunication, which deprives men from
being members of the visible church, aud formally de-
livers them up to the devil.

PART III.— CANTO I. 221

And try'd with haste to lift him up ;

But found his forlorn hope, his crup, 1560

Unserviceable with kicks and blows,

Receiv'd from harden'd-hearted foes. '

He thought to drag him by the heels,

Like Gresham carts, with legs for wheels ;

But fear, that soonest cures those sores 1565

In danger of relapse to worse.

Came in t' assist him with its aid,

And up his sinking vessel weighed.

No sooner was he fit to trudge.

But both made ready to dislodge ; 1570

The spirit hors'd him like a sack

Upon the vehicle his back ;

And bore him headlong into th' hall.

With some few rubs against the wall ;

Where finding out the postern lock'd, 1575

And th' avenues as strongly block'd,

H' attack 'd the window, storm'd the glass,

And in a moment gain'd the pass ;

Thro' which he dragg'd the worsted soldier's

Fore-quarters out by th' head and shoulders ;

And cautiously began to scout, 1581

To find their fellow-cattle out.

Nor was it half a minute's quest,

Ere he retriev'd the champion's beast,

Ty'd to a pale, instead of rack, 1585

But ne'er a saddle on his back.

Nor pistols at the saddle-bow,

Convey 'd away the Lord knows how.

He thought it was no time to stay,

And let the night too steal away ; 1590

But in a trice advanc'd the Knight

Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright,

And groping out for Ralpho's jade.

He found the saddle too was stray 'd.

And in the place a lump of soap, 1595

On which he speedily leap'd up ;

And turning to the gate the rein.

He kick'd and cudgell'd on amain ;

While Hudibras, with equal hastey

Go both sides laid about as fast> 160O

222 HUDIBRAS.

And spurr'd, as jockies use, to break,

Or padders to secure, a neck ;

Where let us leave 'em for a time,

And to their churches turn our rhyme ;

To hold forth their declining state, 1605

Which now come near an even rate.

CANTO II.

The saints engage in fierce contests

About their carnal interests,

To share their sacrilegious preys,

According to their rates o; Grace ;

Their various frenzies to relbrm,
, When Cromwell le't them in a storm ;

Till in th' effige of Rutnps, the rabble

Burn all their Grandees of the Cuba:.
The learned write, an insect breeze
Is but a mongrel prince of bees.
That falls before a storm on cows.
And stings the founders of his house ;
From whose corrupted flesh that breed 5

Of vermin did at first proceed :
So, ere the storm of war broke out,
Rehgion spawn'd a various rout
Of petulant capricious sects.
The maggots of corrupted texts, 10

That first run all religion down.
And after ev'ry swarm its own :
For as the Persian Magi once
Upon their mothers got their sons,
That were incapable t' enjoy 15

That empire any other way,

1. An insect breeze. Breezes often bring along witt
them great quantities of insects, wliich some are o(
opinion are generated from viscous exhalations in the
air ; but our author makes them proceed from a cow's
dung, and afterwards become a plague to that wlience
it received its original.

13. The Magi were priests and philosophers among
the Persians, intrusted with the government both civil
and ecclesiastic, much addicted to the observation of
the stars. Zoroaster is reported to be their first author.
They had this custom among them, to preserve and con-
tinue their families by incestuous copulation with their
own mothers. Some are of opinion that the three wise
men that came out of the East to worship our Saviour
were sotne of these.

PART III.— CANTO II. 233

So Presbyter begot the other

Upon the Good Old Cause, his mother.

Then bore them, like the devil's dam,

Whose son and husband are the same ; 90

And yet no nat'ral tie of blood,

Nor interest for the common good.

Could, when their profits interfered,

Get quarter for each other's beard :

For when they thriv'd, they never fadg'd, 25

But only by the ears engag'd ;

Like dogs that snarl about a bone.

And play together when they've none ;

As by their truest characters,

Their constant actions, plainly appears. 30

Rebellion now began, for lack

Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack;

The Cause and Covenant to lessen,

And Providence to b' out of season:

For now there was no more to purchase 35

O' th' king's revenue and the churches,

But all divided, shar'd, and gone,

That us'd to urge the brethren on;

Which forc'd the stubborn'st for the Cause,

To cross the cudgels to the laws, 40

That what by breaking them th' had gain'd,

By their support might be maintain'd ;

Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie,

Secur'd against the hue-and-cry;

For Presbyter and Independent 45

Were now turn'd plaintiff and defendant;

Laid out their apostolic functions

On oamal orders and injunctions ;

And all their precious gifts and graces

On outlawries and scire facias ; 50

At Michael's term had many a trial,

Worse than the dragon and St. Michael,

Where thousands fell, in shape qf fees,

Into the bottomless abyss.

For when, like brethren, and like friends, 55

They came to share their dividends,

51. St. Michael, an archangel, mentioned in St. Jude'f
EpistJe, verse 9.

824 HUDIBRAS.

And evVy partner to possess

His church and state joint-purchases,

In which the ablest saint, and best,

Was nam'd in trust by all the rest 60

To pay their money, and, instead

Of ev'ry brother, pass the deed.

He straight converted all his gifts

To pious frauds and holy shifts,

Ana settled all the other shares 65

Upon his outward man and 's heirs ;

Held all they claim'd as forfeit lands

Delivered up into his hands,

And pass'd upon his conscience

By pre-entail of Providence ; 70

Impeach'd the rest for reprobates.

That had no titles to estates.

Bat by their spiritual attaints

Degraded from the right of saints.

This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun 75

With law and conscience to fall on.

And laid about as hot and brain-sick

As th" utter barrister of Swanswick ;

Engag'd with money-bags as bold

As men with sand-bags did of old ; 80

That brought the lawyers in more fees

Than all unsanctify'd trustees ;

Till he who had no more to show

I' th' case received the overthrow ;

Or, both sides having had the worst, 85

They parted as they met at first.

Poor Presbyter was now reduc'd.
Secluded, and cashier'd, and chous'd I
Turn'd out, and excommunicate
From all affairs of church and state ; 90

Reform'd t' a reformado saint,
And glad to turn itinerant,
To stroll and teach from town to town.
And those he had taught up teach down,

77. William Prynn, of Lincoln's Inn, Esq born at
Swanswick, who styled liimself Utter Barrister, a very
warm person, and voluminous writer ; and after the
Restoration, keeper of the records in the Towret.

PART III.— CANTO H. 225

And make those uses serve agen 95

Against the new-enhghten'd men,

As fit as when at first they were

Reveal'd against the Cavalier ;

Damn Anabaptist and fanatic,

As pat as popish and prelatic ; 100

And with as httle variation,

To serve for any sect i' th' nation.

The Good Old Cause, which some believe

To be the devil that tempted Eve

With knowledge, and does' still invite 105

The world to mischief with new Light,

Had store of money in her purse

When he took her for bett'r or worse ;

But now was grown deformed and poor,

And fit to be turn'd out of door. 110

The Independents (whose first station

Was in the rear of reformation,

A mongrel kind of church dragoons.

That serv'd for horse and foot at once,

And in the saddle of one steed 115

The Saracen and Christian rid,

Were free of ev'ry spiritual order,

To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder)

No sooner got the start to lurch

Both disciplines of war, and church, 120

And providence enough to run

The chief commanders of 'em down,

But carry 'd on the war against

The common enemy o' th' saints.

And in a while prevailed so far, 125

To win of them the game of war.

And be at liberty once more

T' attack themselves, as th' had before.

For now there was no foe in arms,
T' unite their factions with alarms, 130

But all reduc'd and overcome.
Except their worst, themselves at home,
Wh' had compass'd all they pray'd, and swore,
And fought, and preach'd, and plunder'd for ;
Subdu'd the nation, church, and state, 135
And all things but their laws and hate •
L2

226 HUDIBRAS.

But when they came to treat and transact,

And share the spoil of all th' had ransackt,

To botch up what th' had torn and rent,

Religion and the government, 140

They met no sooner, but prepar'd

To pull down all the war had sparM ;

Agreed in nothing but t' abolish,

Subvert, extirpate, and demolish :

For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin 145

As Dutch Boors are t' a Sooterkin,

Both parties join'd to do their best

To damn the public interest.

And herded only in consults.

To put by one another's bolts ; 150

T' out cant the Babylonian labourers,

At all their dialects of jabberers.

And tug at both ends of the saw.

To tear down government and law.

For as two cheats that play one game, 155

Are both defeated of their aim.

So those who play a game of state,

And only cavil in debate.

Although there's nothing lost or won.

The public bus ness is undone ; 160

Which still the longer 'tis in doing,

Becomes the surer way to ruin.

This when the royalists perceiv'd
(Who to their faith as firmly clcav'd.
And own'd the right they had paid down 165
So dearly for, the church and crown,)
Th' united constanter, and sided
The more, the more their foes divided :
For though out-number'd, overthrown,
And by the fate of war run down, 170

Their duty never was defeated.
Nor from their oaths and faith retreated :

146. It is reported of the Butch women, that making
so great a use of stoves, and often putting them under
their petticoats, they engender a liind of ugly monster,
which is called a Sooterkin.

151. At the building of the Tower of Babel, when
God made the confusion of languages.

PART ni.— CANTO H. 237

For loyalty is still the same,

Whether it win or lose the game ;

True as the dial to the sun, 175

Although it be not shin'd upon.

But when these brethren in evil,

Their adversaries, and the devil.

Began once more to shew them play,

And hopes, at least, to have a day, 180

They rally'd in parades of woods,

And unfrequented solitudes ;

Conven'd at midnight in outhouses,

T' appoint new-rising rendezvouses,

And, with a pertinacy unmatch'd, 185

For new recruits of danger watch'd.

No sooner was one blow diverted.

But up another party started ;

And, as if nature too, in haste

To furnish out supplies as fast, 190

Before her time, had turn'd destruction

T' a new and numerous production.

No sooner those were overcome.

But up rose others in their room.

That, like the Christian faith, increast 195

The more, the more they were supprest :

Whom neither chains nor transportation,

Proscription, sale, or confiscation,

Nor all the desperate events

Of former try'd experiments, 200

Nor wounds could terrify, nor mangling,

To leave off loyalty and dangling ;

Nor death (with all his bones) affright

From vent'ring to maintain the right,

From staking life and fortune down 205

'Gainst all together, for the crown ;

But kept the title of their cause

From forfeiture, like claims in laws :

And prov'd no prosp'rous usurpation

Can ever settle in the nation ; 210

Until, in spite of force and treason.

They put their loyalty in possession ;

And, by their constancy and faith,

Destroy'd the mighty men of Gath.

228 HUDIBRAS.

Toss'd in a furious hurricane, 215

Did Oliver give up his reign ;
And was believ'd, as well by saints
As mortal men and miscreants,
To founder in the Stygian ferry.
Until he was retriev'd by Sterry ; 220

Who, in a false erroneous dream.
Mistook the New Jerusalem
Profanely for th' apocryphal
False Heaven at the end o' th' hall ;
Whither it was decreed by fate 225

His precious reliques to translate.
So Romulus was seen before
B' as orthodox a senator,
From whose divine illumination
He stole the Pagan revelation. 230

Next him his son and heir apparent
Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent;
Who first laid by the Parliament,
The only crutch on which he leant ;

215. At Oliver's death was a most furious tempest,
such as had not been known in the memory of man., or
hardly ever recorded to have been in this nation.

This Sterry reported something ridiculously fabulous
concerning Oliver, not unlike what Proculus did of
Romulus.

224- After the Restoration, Oliver's body was dugup,
and liis head set at the farther end of Westminster- hall,
near which place there is a house of entertainment,
which is commonly known by the name of Heaven.

227. A Roman senator, whose name was Proculus,an(}
much beloved by Romulus, made oath before the senate,
that this prince appeared to him after his death, and
predicted the future grandeur of that city, promising to
be protector of it; and expressly charged him that he
should be adored under the name of Guirinus; and he
had his temple on Mount Quirinale.

231. Oliver's eldest son Richard was, by him before
hisdeath, declared his successor; and, by order of privy-
council, pioclaimed Lord Protector, and received the
compliments of congratulation and condolence, at the
same time, from the lord mayor and court of aldermen :
and addresses were presented to him from all parts of
the nation, promising to stand by him with their lives
and fortuneB. He summoned a parliament to meet at
Westminster, which recognised him Lord Protector:
yet, notwithstanding, Fleetwood, Desborough, and their
partisans, managed affairs so, that he was obliged to
resign

PART III.-CANTO 11. ii29

And then sunk underneath the state, 235

That rode hira above horsemen's weight.
And now the saints began their reign,
For which th' had yearn 'd so long in vain,
And felt such bowel-hankerings,
To see an empire all of kings, 240

Delivered from the Egyptian awe
Of justice, government, and law,,
And free t' erect what spiritual cantons
Should be reveai'd, or gospel Hans-Towns,
To edify upon the ruins 245

Of John of Leyden's old out-goings ;
Who for a weather-cock hung up.
Upon the mother cliurch's top :
Was made a type, by Providence,
Of all tlieir revelations since ; 250

■ And now fulfiird by his successors,
Who equally mistook their measures :
For when they came to shape the model.
Not one could fit another's noddle ;
But found their light and gifts more wide 255
From fadging than th' unsanctify'd ;
While ev'ry individual brother
Strove hand to fist against another ;
And still tlie maddest, and most crackt,
Were found the busiest to transact : 260

For though most hands dispatch apace.
And make light work (the proverb says,)
Yet many din'rent intellects
Are found t' have contrary effects ;

945. John of Leyden, whose name was Buckhold, waa
a butclier of the same place, but a crafty, eloquent, and
seditious fellow, and one of those called Anabaptists.
He went and set up at Munster, where, with Knipper-
dolling, and others of the same faction, they spread their
abominable errors, and ran about the streets in enthu-
fiiastical raptures, crying, ' Repent, and be baptized ;'
pronouncing dismal woes against all those that would
not embrace their tenets. About the year 1533, they
brol^e out into an open insurrection, and seized tne pa-
lace and magazines, and grew so formidable, that it was
very dangerous for those who were not of their persua-
sion to dwell in Munster ; but at length he and his asso-
ciates being subdued and taken, he was executed at
Munster, and had his flesh pulled off by two execution-
ers, with red-hot pincers for the space of an hour, and
then run through with a Bword.

230 HUDIBRAS.

And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 265

As slowest insects have most legs.

Some were for setting up a king ;
But all the rest for no such thing,
Unless King Jesus. Others tamper'd
For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert ; 270
Some for the Rump, and some, more crafty,
For Agitators, and the safety ;
Some for the gospel, and massacres
Of spiritual affidavit-makers.
That swore to any human regence 275

Oaths of supremacy and allegiance ;
Yea, though the ablest swearing saint
That vouch'd the bulls o' the Covenant :
Others for pulling down th' high placea
Of synods and provincial classes, 280

That us'd to make such hostile inroads
Upon the saints, like bloody Nimrods :
Some for fulfilling prophecies.
And th' extirpation of th' excise ;
And some against th' Egyptian bondage 285
Of holy-days, and paying poundage :
Some for the cutting down of groves,
And rectifying bakers' loaves ;
And some for finding out expedients
Against the slav'ry of obedience : 290

Some were for gospel ministers.
And some for red-coat seculars.
As men most fit t' hold forth the word.
And wield the one and th' other sword :
Some were for carrying on the work 295

Against the Pope, and some the Turk :
Some for engaging to suppress
The Camisado of surplices,
That gifts and dispensations hinder 'd,
And turn'd to th' outward man the inward ; 300
More proper for the cloudy night
Of popery than gospel light:
Others were for abolishing
That tool of matrimony, a ring.
With which th' unsanctify'd bridegroom 305
Is marry'd only to a thumb

PART III.— CANTO U.. 231

(As wise as ringing of a pig,

That us'd to break up ground, and dig ;)

The bride to nothing but her will,

That nulls the after-marriage still : 310

Some were for th' utter extirpation

Of linsey-woolsey in the nation ;

And some against all idolizing

The cross in shop-books, or baptizing ;

Others to make all things recant 315

The Christian or surname of saint.

And force all churches, streets, and towns,

The holy title to renounce :

Some 'gainst a third estate of souls.

And bringing down the price of coals : 320

Some for abolishing black-pudding.

And eating nothing with the blood in ;

To abrogate them roots and branches;

While others were for eating haunches

Of warriors, and, now and then, 335

The flesh of kings and mighty men;

And some for breaking of their bones

'With rods of ir'n, by secret ones ;

For thrashing mountains, and with spells

For hallo whig carriers' packs and bells : 330

Things that the legend never heard of.

But made the wicked sore afear'd of.

The quacks of government (who sate
At th' unregarded helm of state.
And understood this wild confusion 335

Of fatal madness and delusion.
Must, sooner than a prodigy.
Portend destruction to be nigh)
Consider'd timely how t' withdraw,
And save their wind-pipes from the law ; 340
For one rencounter at the bar
Was worse than all th' had 'scap'd in war ;
And therefore met in consultation.
To cant and quack upon the nation ;
Not for the sickly patient's sake ; 345

Nor what to give but what to take ;
To feel the pulses of their fees.
More wise than fumbling arteries ;

232 HUDIBRAS.

Prolong the snufFof life in pain,

And from the grave recover — Gain. 350

'Mong these there was a politician
With more heads than a beast in vision,
And more intrigues in ev'ry one
Than all the whores of Babylon ;
So pohtic, as if one eye 355

Upon the other were a spy,
That, to trepan the one to think
The other blind, both strove to blink ;
And in his dark pragmatic way,
As busy as a child at play. 360

H' had seen three governments run down.
And had a hand in ev'ry one ;
Was for 'em and against 'em all.
But barb'rous when they came to fall :
For, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 365

He made his int'rest with the new one ;
Play'd true and faithful, though against
His conscience, and was still advanc'd :
For by the witchcraft of rebellion
Transform'd t' a feeble state-camelion, 370
By giving aim from side to side,
He never fail'd to save his tide.
But got the start of ev'ry state.
And at a change ne'er came too late ;
Could turn his word, and oath, and faith, 375
As many ways as in a lathe ;
By turning, wriggle, like a screw,
Int' highest trust, and out, for new :
For when h' had happily incurr'd,
Instead of hemp, to be preferr'd, 380

And pass'd upon a government.
He play'd his trick, and out he went ;
But being out, and out of hopes
To mount his ladder (more) of ropes.
Would strive to raise himself upon 385

The puWic ruin, and his own ;
So little did he understand
The desp'rate feats he took in hand,

351. Tbis was the famous E. of S. who was endued
with a particular faculty of undermining and subverting
»II sorts of government.

PART m.— CANTO II. 233

For when h' had got himself a name

For fraud and tricks, he spoil'd his game ; 390

Had forc'd his neck into a noose,

To show his play at fast and loose ;

And when he chanc'd t' escape, mistook,

For art and subtlety, his luck.

So right his judgment was cut fit, 395

And made a tally to his wit.

And both together most profound

At deeds of darkness under-ground;

As th' earth is easiest undermined

By vermin impotent and blind. 400

By all these arts, and many more
H' had practis'd long and much before,
Our state artificer foresaw
"Which way the world began to draw :
For as old sinners have all points 405

O' th' compass in their bones and joints.
Can by their pangs and aches find
All turns and changes of the wind,
And better than by Napier's bones
Feel in their own the age of moons ; 410

So guilty sinners in a state
Can by their crimes prognosticate.
And in their consciences feel pain
Some days before a show'r of rain :
He therefore wisely cast about, 415

All ways he could, t' ensure his throat;
And hither came, t' observe and smoke
What courses other riskers took ;
And to the utmost do his best
To save himself, and hang the rest. 420

To match this saint, there was another
As busy and perverse a brother,
A haberdasher of small wares
In politics and state affairs :

409. The famous Lord Napier, of Scotland, the first
inventor of logarithms, contrived also a set of square
pieces, with numbers on them, made generally of ivory
(which perform arithmetical and geometrical calcula-
tions,) and are commonly called Napier's bones.

421. The great Colonel John Lilbourn, whose tr*al is
to reiparkable, ^nd well known at this tim&.

S34 HUDIBRAS.

More Jew than Rabbi Achitophel, 425

And better gifted to rebel :

For when h' iiad taught his tribe to 'spouse

The Cause, aloft, upon one house.

He scorn'd to set his own in order,

Bat try'd another, and went farther; 430

So suddenly addicted still

To 's only principle, his will.

That whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove,

Nor force of argument could move,

Nor law, nor cavalcade of Ho'born, 435

Could render half a grain less stubborn ;

For he at any time would hang

For th' opportunity t' harangue ;

And rather on a gibbet dangle.

Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle ; 440

In which his parts were so accomplisht,

That, right or wrong, he ne'er was nonplust;

But still his tongue ran on, the less

Of weight it bore, with greater ease,

And with its everlasting clack 445

Set all men's ears upon the rack.

No sooner could a hint appear.

But up he started to picqueer.

And made the stoutest yield to mercy,

When he engaged in controversy : 450

Not by the force of carnal reason.

But indefatigable teasing ;

With volUes of eternal babble.

And clamour, more unanswerable :

For though his topics frail and weak, 455

Could ne'er amount above a freak.

He still maintain 'd 'em, like his faults,

Against the desp'ratest assaults ;

And back'd their feeble want of sense

With greater heat and confidence ; 460

As bones of Hectors, when" they differ,

The more they're cudgell'd, grow the stiffen

Yet when his profit moderated,

The fury of his heat abated ;

For nothing but his interest 465

Could lay his devil of contest.

PART IIL— CANTO I. 235

it wa^ his choice, or chance, or curse,

T' espouse the cause for better or worse,

And with his worldly goods and wit,

And soul and body worshipped it : 470

But when he found the sullen trapes

Possessed with the devil, worms, and claps,

The Trojan mare in foal, with Greeks,

Not half so full of jadish tricks.

Though squeamish in her outward woman, 475

As loose and rampant as Doll Common,

He still resolv'd to mend the matter,

T' adhere and cleave the obstinater ;

And still the skittisher and looser

Her freaks appeared to sit the closer : 480

For fools are stubborn in their way,

As coins are hardened by th' allay ;

And obstinacy's ne'er so stitF

As when 'tis in a wrong belief.

These two, with others, being met, 485

And close in consultation set.

After a discontented pause.

And not without sufficient cause.

The orator we nam'd of late.

Less troubled with the pangs of state 490

Than with his own impatience.

To give himself first audience,

After he had a while look'd wise.

At last broke silence, and the ice.

Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt
Our last outgoings brought about, 496

More than to see the characters
Of real jealousies and fears
Not feign'd, as once, but sadly horrid,
Scor'd upon ev'ry member's forehead ; 500

473. After the Grecians had spent ten years in the
siege of Troy, witliout the least prospect of success, they
bethought of a stratagem, and made a wooden horse
capable of containing a considerable number of armed
men : this they filled with the choicest of their army,
and then pretended to raise the siege ; upon which the
credulous Trojans made a breach In the walls of the
city to bring in this fatal plunder ; but when it was
brought in, the inclosed herons soon appeared, and sur-
prising the city, tlie rest entered in at the breach.

236 HUDIBRAS.

Who, 'cause the clouds are drawn together,
And threaten sudden change of weather,
Feel pangs and aches of state-turns,
And revolutions in their corns;
And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 505
Throw up the cause before 'tis lost.
Was it to run away we meant,
When, taking of the Covenant,
The lamest cripples of the brothers
Took oaths to run before all others, 510

But in their own sense only swore
To strive to run away before ;
And now would prove that words and oath
Engage us to renounce them both .-'
'Tis true, the cause is in the lurch, 515

Between a right and mongrel-church :
The Presbyter and Independent,
That stickle which shall make an end on't ;
As 'twas made out to us the last
Expedient — (I mean Marg'ret's Fast,) 520

When Providence had been suborn'd
What answer was to be return'd :
Else why should tumults fright us now.
We have so many times gone through.
And understand as well to tame, 525

As when they serve our turns t' inflame ?
Have prov'd how inconsiderable
Are all engagements of the rabble.
Whose frenzies must be reconcird,
With drums and rattles, like a child ; 530

But never prov'd so prosperous.
As when they were led on by us :
For all our scourging of religion
iegan with tumult and sedition :
When hurricanes of fierce commotion 535

Became strong motives to devotion
,As carnal seamen in a storm.
Turn pious converts, and reform ;)
When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges,
Maintain'd our feeble privileges ; 540

520. That parliameiit used to have public fasts kept
• n St. Margaret's Church, Westminster, as ia done to
this present time.

PART III.— CANTO II. 237

And brown-bills levy'd in the city,

Made bills to pass the grand committee;

When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves,

Gave chase to rochets and white sleeves,

And made the church, and state, and laws, 545

Submit t' old iron and the cause.

And as we thriv'd by tumults then,

So might we better now agen.

If we knew how, as then we did,

To use them rightly in our need : 550

Tumults, by which the mutinous

Betray themselves instead of us.

The hollow-hearted, disaffected.

And close malignant, are detected.

Who lay their fives and fortunes down 555

For pledges to secure our own ;

And freely sacrifice their ears

T' appease our jealousies and fears :

And yet for all these providences

W' are offer'd, if we had our senses, 560

We idly sit like stupid blockheads.

Our hands committed to our pockets;

And nothing but our tongues at large,

To get the wretches a discharge :

Like men condemn'd to thunder-bolts, 565

Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts;

Or fools besotted with their crimes.

That know not how to shift betimes,

And neither have the hearts to stay,

Nor wit enough to run away ; 570

Who, if we could resolve on either.

Might stand or fall at least together ;

No mean or trivial solaces

To partners in extreme distress ;

Who used to lessen their despairs, 575

By parting them int' equal shares ;

As if the more they were to bear,

They felt the weight the easier ;

And ev'ry one the gentler hung.

The more he took his turn among. 580

But 'tis not come to that, as yet.

If we had courage left, or wit;

238 HUDIBRAS.

Who, when our fate can be no worse,

Are fitted for the bravest course ;

Have time to rally, and prepare - 585

Our last and best defence, despair :

Despair, by which the gallant'st feats

Have been achievM in greatest straits,

And horrid'st danger safely wav'd.

By being courageously outbrav'd ; 590

As wounds by wider wounds are heal'd,

And poisons by themselves expell'd ;

And so they might be now agen,

If we were, what we should be, men;

And not so dully desperate, 595

To side against ourselves with fate ;

As criminals, condemned to suffer,

Are blinded first, and then turn'd over.

This comes of breaking covenants,

And setting up exaunts of saints, 600

That fine, like aldermen, for grace.

To be excus'd the efficace :

For spiritual men are too transcendent,

That mount their banks for Independent,

To hang like Mahomet i' th' air, 605

Or St. Ignatius at his prayer.

By pure geometry, and hate

Dependence upon church or state ;

Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter ;

And since obedience is better 610

(The Scripture says) than sacrifice.

Presume the less on't will suflSce ;

And scorn to have the moderat'st stints

Prescrib'd their peremptory hints,

Or any opinion, true or false, 615

Declar'd as such, in doctrinals ;

605. It is reported of Mahomet, the great impostor,
that having built a mosque, the roof whereof was of
loadstone, and ordering his corpse, when he was dead,
to be put into an iron coffin, and brought into that place,
the loadstone soon attracted it near the top, where it
still hangs in the air.

No less fabulous is what the legends says of Ignatius '
Loyola, that his zeal and devotion transported him so,
that at his prayers he has been seen to be raised from
the ground for some considerable time together.

PART III.— CANTO II. 239

But left at large to make their best on,

Without b'ing call'd t' account or question :

Interpret all the spleen reveals,

As Whittington explained the bells; 620

And bid themselves turn back agen

Lord May'rs of New Jerusalem ;

But look so big and over-grown,

They scorn their edifiers t' own,

AVho taught them all their sprinkling lessons,

Their tones, and sanctified expressions ; 626

Bestow'd their gifts upon a saint,

Like charity on those tliat want ;

And learn "d th' apocryphal bigots

T' inspire themselves with short-hand notes ;

For whicJi they scorn and hate them worse

Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders.

For who first bred them up to pray,

And teach the House of Commons' way ?

Wliere had they all their gifted phrases, 635

But from our Calamys and Cases?

Without whose sprinkling and sowing.

Who e er had heard of Nye or Oweni'

Their dispensations had been stifled.

But for our Adoniram Byfield ; 640

And had they not begun the war,

Th' had ne'er been sainted, as they are i

For saints in peace degenerate,

And dwindle down to reprobate ;

Their zeal corrupts like standing water, 645

In th' intervals of war and slaughter ;

Abates the sharpness of its edge,

Without the power of sacrilege.

And though they've tricks to cast their sins

As easy as serpents do their skins, 650

That in a while grcrw out agen.

In peace they turn mere carnal men.

And, from the most refin'd of saints.

As naturally grow miscreants.

As barnacles turn Soland geese 655

In th' Islands of the Orcades.

650. Naturalists report, that snakes, serpents, &c.
cast their skins every year.
(i53. It is said that in the Islands of the Orcades, in

240 HUDIBRAS.

Their dispensation's but a ticket,

For their conforming to the wicked : '

With whom the greatest difference

Lies more in words, and show, than sense. 660

For as the Pope, that keeps the gate

Of heaven, wears three crowns of state,

So he that keeps the gate of hell,

Proud Cerberus, wears three heads as well :

And if the world has any troth, 665

Some have been canoniz'd in both.

But that which does them greatest harm,

Their spiritual gizzards are too warm,

Which puts the overheated sots

In fevers still, like other goats. 670

For though the whore bends heretlcks

With flames of fire, like crooked sticks,

Our schismatics so vastly differ,

Th' hotter th' are, they grow the stiffer;

Still setting off their spiritual goods 675

With fierce and pertinacious feuds.

For zeal's a dreadful termagant.

That teaches saints to tear and rant,

And Independents to profess

The doctrines of dependences ; 680

Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones

To raw-heads fierce and bloody bones :

And, not content with endless quarrels

Against the wicked and their morals,

The Gibellines, for want of Guelphs, 685

Divert their rage upon themselves.

For now the war is not between

The brethren and the men of sin.

But saint and saint, to spill the blood

Of one another's brotherhood : 690

Where neither side can lay pretence

To liberty of conscience,

Scotland, tliere are trees which bear these barnacles,
which dropping off into the water, receive life, and be-
come those birds called Soland geese.

663 The poets feign the dog Cerberus, that is the
porter of hell to have three heads.

685. Two great factions in Italy, distinguished bv
those names, which miserably distracted and wastedh
about the year 1130.

PART m. -CANTO 11. 24

Or zealous sufF'ring for the cause,

To gain one groat's worth of applause ;

For though endur'd with resolution, 60

Twill ne'er amount to persecution.

Shall precious saints and secret ones,

Break one another's outward bones,

And eat the flesh of brethren.

Instead of kings and mighty men ? 700

When fiends agree among themselves.

Shall they be found the greatest elves?

When Bel's at union with the Dragon,

And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon ;

When savag<i bears agree with bears, 705

Shall secret ones lug saints by th' ears.

And not atone their fatal wrath.

When common danger threatens both ?

Shall mastiffs, by the collar pull'd,

Engag'd with bulls, let go their hold, 710

And saints, whose necks are pawn'd at stake,

No notice of the danger take ?

But though no pow'r of heav'n or hell

Can pacify fanatic zeal,

Who would not guess there might be hopes, 715

The fear of gallowses and ropes.

Before their eyes, might reconcile

Their animosities a while ;

At least until they 'd a clear stage,

And equal freedom to engage, 720

Without the danger of surprise

By both our common enemies?

This none but we alone could doubt.
Who understand their working-out,
And know them, both in soul and conscience,
Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsense 726

As spiritual outlaws, whom the pow'r
Of miracle can ne'er restore :
We, whom at first they set up under.
In revelation only of plunder, 730

Who since have had so many trials
Of their encroaching self-denials,
That rook'd upon us with design
To out-reform, and undermine-, , •

M

342 HUDIBRAS.

Took all our interest and commands 735

Perfidiously out of our hands ; .

Involv'd us in the guilt of blood

Without the motive gain's allow'd,

And made us serve as ministerial,

Like younger sons of Father Belial ; 740

And yet, for all th' inhuman wrong

Th' had done us and the cause so long.

We neVer faiPd to carry on

The work still as we had begun ;

But true and faithfully obey'd, 745

And neither preach'd them hurt, nor pray'd ;

Nor troubled them to crop our eai-s,

JVor hang us, hke the cavaliers ;

Nor put them to the charge of gaols,

To find us pillVies and carts' tails, 750

Or hangmen's wages, which the state

Was forc'd (before them) to be at ;

That cut, like tallies, to the stumps,

Our ears for keeping true accompts.

And burnt our vessels, like a new 755

Seal'd peck, or bushel, for b'ing true ;

But hand in hand, like faithful brothers,

Held for the cause against all others,

Disdaining equally to yield

One syllable of what we held. 760

And though we differ'd now and then

'Bout outward things, and outward men,

Our inward men and constant frame

Of spirit, still were near the same ;

And, till they first began to cant 765

And sprinkle down the Covenant,

We ne'er had call in any place.

Nor dream'd of teaching down free grace,

But join'd our gifts perpetually

Against the common enemy, 770

Although 'twas ours and their opinion,

Each other's church was but a Rimmon ;

And yet, for all this gospel-union,

And outward show of church-communion,

They'll ne'er admit us to our shares 775

Of ruling church or stale affiiirs'

PART III.— CANTO H. 243

Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentence

T' our own conditions of repentance ;

But shar'd our dividend o' th' crown

We had so painfully preach'd down ; 780

And forc'd us, though against the grain,

T' have calls to teach it up again :,

For 'twas but justice to restore

The wrongs we had rcceiv'd before ;

And when 'twas held forth in our way 785

W had been ungrateful not to pay ;

Who, for the right vv' have done nation.

Have earn'd our temporal salvation ;

And put our vessels in a way

Once more to come again in play. 790

For if the turning of us out

Has brought this providence about.

And that our only suffering

Is able to bring in the king,

What would our actions not have done, 795

Had we been suffered to go on .''

And therefore may pretend t' a share,

At least, in carrying ou th' affair.

But whether that be so, or not,

W have done enough to have it thought ; 800

And that's as good as if w' had done 't,

And easier pass'd upon account :

For if it be but half deny'd,

'Tis half as good as justify'd.

The world is nat'rally averse 805

To all the truth it sees or hears ;

But swallows nonsense, and a lie,

With greediness and gluttony ;

And though it have the pique, and long,

'Tis still for something in the wrong ; 810

As women long, when they're with child,

For things extravagant and wild ;

For meats ridiculous and fulsome,

But seldom any thing that's wholesome ;

And, like the world, men's jobbernoles 815

Turn round upon their ears, the poles.

And what they're confidently told.

By no sense else can be controll'd.

244 HUDIBRAS.

And this, perhaps, may prove the means
Jnce more to hedge in Providence, 820

For as relapses make diseases
More desp'rate than their first accesses,
If we but get again in pow'r,
Our work is easier than before.
And we more ready and expert 825

r th' mystery to do our part :
We, who did rather undertake
The first war to create than make,
And when of nothing 'twas begun,
Rais'd funds as strange to carry 't on ; 830
Trepann'd the state, and fac'd it down
With plots and projects of our own ;
And if we did such feats at first.
What can we now we're better vers'd ?
Who have a freer latitude, 835

Than sinners give themselves, allow'd ;
And therefore likeliest to bring in,
On fairest terms, our discipUne ;
To which it was reveal'd long since
We were ordain'd by Providence ; 840

When three saints' ears our predecessors,
The cause's primitive confessors,
B'ing crucify 'd, the nation stood
In just so many years of blood ;
That, multiply 'd by six, exprest 845

The perfect number of the beast,
And prov'd that we must be the men
To bring this work about agen ;
And those who laid the first foundation,
Complete the thorough Reformation : 850

For who have gifts to carry on
So great a work, but we alone ''
What cjjufches have such able pastors.
And precious, powerful, preaching masters ?
Possess 'd with absolute dominions 855

O'er brethren's purses and opinions?
And trusted with the double keys
Of heaven and thei/ warehouses;

841. Burton, Prynn, and Bostwick, three notorious
ringleaders of the factions, just at the beginning of tbe
late horrid rebellioa

PART III.— CANTO II. 245

Who, when the cause is in distress,

Can furnish out what sums they please, 860

That brooding he in bankers' hands.

To be dispos'd at their commands;

And daily increase and multiply,

With doctrine, use, and usury ;

Can fetch in parties (as in war 865

All other heads of cattle are)

From th' enemy of all religions.

As well as high and low conditions,

And share them, from blue ribands, down

To all blue aprons in the town ; 870

From ladies hurried in calleches,

With cor'nets at their footmen's breeches,

To bawds as fat as Mother Nab,

All guts and belly, like a crab.

Our party's great, and better ty'd 875

With oaths and trade than any side ;

Has one considerable improvement,

To double fortify the Cov'nant ;

I mean our Covenant to purchase

Delinquents' titles, and the churches : 880

That pass in sale, from hand to hand,

Among ourselves, for current land.

And rise or fall, like Indian actions.

According to the rate of factions;

Our best reserve for Reformation, 885

When new out-goings give occasion ;

That keeps the loins of brethren girt

The Covenant (their creed) t' assert;

And when th' have pack'd a Parliament,

Will once more try th' expedient : 690

Who can already muster friends.

To ser\-e for members, to our ends,

That represent no part o' th' nation,

But Fisher's-Folly congregation ;

Are only tools to our intrigues, 895

And sit like geese to hatch our eggs;

Who, by their precedents of wit,

T' out-fast, out-loiter, and out-sit,

894. Fisher's Folly was where Devonshire-Square
now stands, and was a great place of consultation in
tjiose days-

246 HUDIBRAS.

Can order matters underhand,

To put all busness to a stand ; 900

Lay public bills aside for private,

And make "em one another drive out;

Divert the great and necessary,

With trifles to contest and vary ;

And make the nation represent, 905

And serve for us in Parliament ;

Cut out more work than can be done

In Plato's year, but finish none,

Unless it be the Bulls of Lenthal,

That always pass'd for fundamental ; 910

Can set up grandee 'gaiiist grandee.

To squander time away, and bandy :

Make Lords and Commoners lay sieges

To one another's privileges.

And, rather than compound the quarrel, 915

Engage, to 111' inevitable peril

Of both their ruins, ih' only scope

And consolation of our hope ;

Who though we do not play the game,

Assist as much by giving aim ; 920

Can introduce our ancient arts.

For heads of factions t' act their parts;

Know what a leading voice is worth,

A seconding, a third, or fourth ;

How much a casting voice comes to, 925

That turns up trump ofay, or no ;

And, by adjusting all at th' end.

Share ev'ry one his dividend :

An art that so much study cost.

And now 's in danger to be lost, 930

Unless our ancient virtuosos,

That found it out, get into th' Houses.

These are the courses that we took

To carry things by hook or crook ;

And practis'd down from forty-four, 935

Until they turn'd us out of door :

Besides the herds of Bontefeus

We set on work witliout the House,

907. Plato's year, or the grand revolution of the en
tire machine of the wprld, was accounted 4000 ycais.

PART III.— CANTO II. 2s7

When ev'ry knight and citizen

Kept legislative journeymen, 940

To bring them in intelligence

From all points, of the rabble's sense.

And fill the lobbies of both Houses

With politic important buzzes ;

Set up committees of cabals, 945

To pack designs without the walls ;

Examine, and draw up all news,

And fit it to Our present use :

Agree upon the plot o' th' farce.

And ev'ry one his part reliearse ; - 950

Make Q's of answers, to waylay

What t' other party's like to say ; ^

What repartees and smart reflections,

Shall be return'd to all objections;

And who shall break the master-jest, 955

And what, and iiow, upon the rest :

Help pamphlets out, with safe editions,

Of proper slanders and seditions,

And treason for a token send.

By letter to a country friend ; 960

Disperse lampoons, the only wit

That men, like burglary, commit;

Wit falser than a padder's face.

That all its owner does betrays ;

Who therefore dares not trust it when 965

He's in his calling to be seen ;

Disperse the dung on barren earth.

To bring new weeds of discord forth ;

J5e sure to keep up congregations.

In spite of laws and proclamations ; 970

For charlatans can do no good

'Tntil they 're mounted in a crowd ;

.\nd when they 're punish'd, all the hurt

Is but to fare the better for 't ;

As long as confessors are sure 975

Of double pay for all th' endure.

And what they earn in persecution.

Are paid t' a groat in contribution ;

Whence some tub-holders-forth have made

In powd'ring-tubs their richest trade ; 980

248 HUDIBRAS.

And, while they kept their shops in prisrai, ^

Have found their prices strangely risen :

Disdain to own the least regret

For all the Christian blood w' have let ;

'Twill save our credit, and maintain 985

Our title to do so again ;

That needs not cost one dram of sense,

But pertinacious impudence.

Our constancy t' our principles,

In time will wear out all things else ; 990

Like marble statues rubb'd in pieces

With gallantry of pilgrims' kisses ;

While those who turn and wind their oaths

Have sweird and sunk, like other froths;

Prevail'd a while, but 'twas not long 995

Before from world to world they swung.

As they had turn'd from side to side ;

And as the changHngs liv'd, they dy'd.

This said, th" impatient stales-monger
Could now contain himself no longer ; 1000
Who had not spar"d to shew his piques
Against th' haranguer's politics.
With smart remarks of leering faces,
And annotations of grimaces.
After h' had administered a dose 1005

Of snuff mundungus to his nose.
And powder'd th' inside of his skall,
Instead of th' outward jobbernol.
He shook it with a scornful look
On th' adversary, and thus he spoke: 1010

In dressing a calf's head, although
The tongue and brains together go,
Both keep so great a distance here,
'Tis strange if ever they come near;
For who did ever play his gambols 1015

With such insufferable rambles.
To make the bringing in the king,
And keeping of him out, one thing.'
Which none could do but those that swore
T' as point-blank nonsense heretofore ; 1020
That to defend was to invade ;
And to assassinate, to aid.

PART m.— CANTO II. 2-19

Unless, because you drove him out
(And that was never made a doubt,)
No pow'r is able to restore, 1025

And bring him in, but on your score :
A spiritual doctrine, that oonduces
Most properly to all your uses. \

'Tis true, a scorpion's oil is said
To cure the wounds the vermin made ; 1030
And weapons, drest with salves, restore
And heal the hurts they gave before ;
But whether Presbyterians have
So much good nature as the salve,
Or virtue in them as the vermin, 1031

Those who have try'd them can determine.
Indeed, 'tis pity you should miss
Th' arrears of all your services,
And for th' eternal obligation
Y' have Ir.id upon th' ungrateful nation, 1040
Be us'd so unconscionably hard,
As not to find a just reward
For letting rapine loose, and murther,
To rage just so far, but no further ;
And setting all the land on fire, 1045

To burn 't to a scantling, but no higher :
For vent'ring to assassinate.
And cut the throats of church and state,
And not be allow'd the fittest men
To take the charge of both agen : 1050

Especially, that have the grace
Of self-denying, gifted face ;
Who, when your projects have miscarry'd,
Can lay them, with undaunted forehead,
On those who painfully trepann'd, 1055

And sprinkl'd in at second-hand ;
As we have been, to share the guilt
Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt ;
For so our ignorance was flamm'd
To damn ourselves t' avoid being damn'd ; 1060
Till finding your old foe, the hangman,
Was like to lurch you at back-gammon,
And win your necks upon the set,
As well as ours, who did but bet
M2

250 HUDIBRAS.

(For he had drawn your ears before, 1065

And nick'd them on the self-same score,)
We threw the box and dice away.
Before y' had lost us at foul play ;
And brought you down to rook, and lie,
And fancy only, on the by ; 1070

Redeem 'd your forfeit jobbernoles
From perching upon lofty poles ;
And rescu'd all your outward traitors
From hanging up like alligators ;
For which ingeniously y' have shew'd 1075
Your Presbyterian gratitude ;
Would freely have paid us home in kind,
And not have been one rope behind.
Those were your motives to divide.
And scruple on the other side ; 1080

To turn your zealous frauds, and force.
To fits of conscience and remorse ;
To be convinc'd they were in vain,
And face about for new again :
For truth no more unveil'd your eyes, 1085
Than maggots are convinc'd to flies ;
^ nd therefore all your lights and calls
.re but apocryphal and false,
Jlo charge us with the consequences
Of all our native insolences, 1090

That to your own imperious wills
Laid law and gospel neck and heels ;
Corrupted the Old Testament,
To serve the New for precedent ;
T' amend its errors, and defects, 1095

With murther, and rebellion-texts ;
Of which there is not any one
In all the book to sow upon :
And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews
Held Christian doctrine forth, and use ; 1100
As Mahomet (your chief) began
To mix them in the Alcoran ;
Denounc'd and pray'd, with fierce devotion,
And bended elbows on the cushion ;
Stole from the beggars all your tones, 1105
And gifted mortifying groans _•

PART III.— CANTO II. 251

Had lights where better eyes were blind,
As pigs are said to see the wind ;
Fill'd Bedlam with predestination,
And Knightsbridge with illumination ; 1110
Made children, with your tones to run for 't,
As bad as Bloody-bones, or Lunsford ;
While women, great with child, miscarry'd,
For being tc malignants marry'd :
Transform'd all wives to Dallilahs, 1115

Whose husbands were not for the cause ;
And turn'd the men to ten-horn'd cattle.
Because they came not out to battle ;
Made tailors' 'prentices turn heroes,
. For fear of being transform'd to Meroz ; 1120
And rather forfeit their indentures.
Than not espouse the saints' adventures :
Could transubstantiate, metamorphose.
And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus ;
Enchant the king's and church's lands 1125
T' obey and follow your commands ;
And settle on a new freehold.
As Marcly-Hill had done of old ;
Could turn the Covenant, and translate
The gospel into spoons and plate ; 1130

Expound upon all merchants' cashes,
And open th' intricatest places ?
Could catechise a money-box.
And prove all pouches orthodox ;
Until the cause became a Damon, 1135

And Pythias the wicked Mammon :

And'yet, in spite of all your charms,
To conjure legion up in arms,
And raise more devils in the rout
Than e'er y' were able to cast out, 1140

Y' have been reduc'd, and by those fools
Bred up (you say) in your own schools ;
Who, though but gifted at your feet.
Have made it plain, they have more wit ;
By whom y' have been so oft trepann'd, 1145
And held forth out of all command.
Out-gifted, out-impuls'd, out-done,
And out-reveal'd at carryings-on ;

252 HUDIBRAS.

Of all your dispensations worm''d ;
Out-providenc'd, and out-reform'd* ''I'JO

Ejected out of church and strHe,
And all things, but the people's hate
And spirited out of th' enjoyments
Of precious, edifying employments,
By those who lodg'd their gifts and graces, 1156
Like better bowlers, in your places :
All which you bore with resolution,
Charg'd on th' accompt of persecution ;
And though most righteously opprest,
Against your wills, still acquiesc'd ; 1160

And never humm'd and hah'd sedition,
Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision :
That is, because you never durst ;
For had you preacli'd and pray'd your worst,
Alas ! you were no longer able 1165

To raise your posse of the rabble :
One single red-coat sentinel
Out-charm 'd the magic of the spell ;
And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse
Whole troops with chapter raisM and verse .
We knew too well these tricks of yours, 1171
To leave it ever in your powers ;
Or trust or safeties, or undoings.
To your disposing of out-goings ;
Or to your ordering providence, 1175

One farthing's worth of consequence.
For had you pow'r to undermine,
Or wit to carry a design.
Or correspondence to trepan.
Inveigle, or betray one man, 1180

There's nothing else that intervenes.
And bars your zeal to use the means ;
And therefore, wondrous like, no doubt,
To bring in kings, or keep them out :
Brave undertakers to restore, llSf

That could not keep yourselves in pow'r ;
T' advance the int'rests of the crown,
That wanted wit to keep your own !
'Tis true, you have (for I'd be loth
To wrong ye) done your parts in both, 1190

PART III.— CANTO II. 25.,

To keep him out, and bring him in,

As grace is introduc'd by sin ;

For 'twas your zealous want of sense,

And sanctifyM impertinence,

Your carrying business in a huddle, 1]95

That forc'd our rulers to new-model ;

Oblig'd the state to tack about,

And turn you, root and branch, all out :

To reformado, one and all,

T'your great croysado-general : 1200

Your greedy slavVing to devour.

Before 'twas in your clutches, powV,

That sprung the game you were to set,

Before y' had time to draw the net ;

Your spite to see the church's lands 1205

Divided into other hands,

And all your sacrilegious ventures

Laid out in tickets a'nd debentures;

Your envy to be sprinkled down,

By under-churches in the town ; 1210

And no course us'd to stop their mouths,

Nor th' Independents' spreading growths :

All which consider'd, 'tis more true

None bring him in so much as you ;

Who have prevail'd beyond their plots, 1215

Their midnight juntos, and seal'd knots ;

That thrive more by your zealous piques,

Than all their own rash politics.

And you this way may claim a share

In carrying (as you brag) th' affair ; 1220

Else frogs and toads, that croak 'd the Jews

From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose,

And flies and mange, that set them free

From task-masters and slavery.

Were likelier to do the feat, 1225

In any indifT'rent man's conceit :

For who e'er heard of restoration

Until your thorough reformation?

That is, the king's and church's lands

Were sequester'd int' other hands : 1230

1200. General Fairfax, who was soon laid aside after
ae had done some of iheir drudgery for them.

254 HUDIBRAS.

For only then, and not before,

Your eyes were open'd to restore ;

And when the work was carrying on.

Who cross'd it, but yourselves alone ?

As by a world of hints appears, 1235

All plain and extant as your ears.

But first, o' th' first : The Isle of Wight
Will rise up, if you should deny 't ;
Where Henderson, and th' other masses,
Were sent to cap texts, and put cases ; 1240
To pass for deep and learned scholars.
Although but paltry Ob and Sollers :
As if th' unseasonable fools
Had been a coursing in the schools ;
Until th' had prov'd the devil author 1245

O' th' Covenant, and the Cause his daughter :
For when they charg'd him with the guilt
Of all the blood that had Been spilt.
They did not mean he wrought th' effusion.
In person, hke Sir Pride, or Hughson, 1250
But only those who first begun
The quarrel were by him set on ;
And who could those be but the saints.
Those reformation termagants?

But ere this pass'd, the wise debate 1255
Spent so much time, it grew too late ;
For OUver had gotten ground,
T' inclose him with his warriors round ;
Had brought his Providence about.
And turn'd th' untimely sophists out. 126(1

Nor had the Uxbridge bus'ness less
Of nonsense in't, or sottishness.
When from a scoundrel holderforth.
The scum as well as son o* th' es'th.
Your mighty senators took law 12^5

At his command, were forc'd t' withdraw,
And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation
To doctrine, use, and application.

1241. Two ridiculous scribblers, that were often pes-
tering the world with nonsense.

1250. The one a brewer, the other a shoemaker, and
both colonels in the rebels' army.

PART III.— CANTO II. 255

So when the Scots, your constant crenies,

Th' espousers of your cause and moneys, 1270

■VVho had so often, in your aid,

iSo many ways been soundly paid.

Came in at last for better ends.

To prove themselves your trusty friends,

You basely left them, and the church 1275-

They train'd you up to, in the lurch.

And sufFer'd your own tribe of Christians

To fall before, as true Philistines,

This shews what utensils y' have been,

To bring the king's concernments in ; 1280

Which is so far from being true,

That none but he can bring in you ;

And if he take you into triist.

Will find you most exactly just,

Such as will punctually repay 1285

With double interest, and betray.

Not that I think those pantomimes,
Who vary action with the times.
Are less ingenious in their art.
Than those who dully act one part ; 1290

Or those who turn from side to side.
More guilty than the wind and tide.
All countries are a wise man's home.
And so are governments to some.
Who change them for the same intrigues 1295
That statesmen use in breaking leagues :
While others, in old faiths and troths.
Look odd as out-of-fashion'd clothes ;
And nastier in an old opinion.
Than those who never shift their linen. 1300

For true and faithful's sure to lose.
Which way soever the game goes ;
And whether parties lose or win.
Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in :
While pow'r usurp'd, like stol'n delight, 1305
Is more bewitching than the right;
And when the times begin to alter.
None rise so high as from the halter.

And so may we, if w' have but sense
To use the necessary means ;

256 HUDIBRAS.

And not your usual stratagems

On one another, lights and dreams :

To stand on terms as positive,

4s if we did not take, but give :

Set up the Covenant on crutches, 1315

'Gainst those who have us in their clutches,

And dream of pu'.ling churches down,

Before w' are sure to prop our own :

Your constant method of proceeding,

Without the carnal means of heeding; 1320

Wlio 'twixt your inward sense and outward,

Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred.

I grant, all courses are in vain.

Unless we can get in again ;

The only way that's {eft us now ; 1325

But all the difficult}' 's iiow.

'Tis true, w' have money, th' only pow'r

That all mankind falls down before ;

Money, that, like the swords of kings.

Is the last reason of all things ; 1330

And therefore need not doubt our play

Has all advantages that way ;

As long as men have faith to sell.

And meet with those that can pay well ;

Whose half-starv'd pride, and avarice, 1335

One church and state will not suffice

T' expose to sale, beside the wages

Of storing plagues to after-ages.

Nor is our money less our own.

Than 'twas before we laid it down, 1340

For 'twill return, and turn t' account,

If we are brought in play upon 't ;

Or but, by casting knaves, get in.

What povv'r can hinder us lo win ?

We know the arts we us'd before, 1345

In peace and war, and something more ;

And by th' unfortunate events,

Can mend our nest experiments :

For when w' are taken into trust.

How easy are the wisest choust, 1350

Who see but th' outsides of our feats.

And not their secret springs and weights ;

PART III.— CANTO II. 257

And while they're busy at their ease,

Can carry what designs we please .'

How easy is 't to serve for agents, 1355

To prosecute our old engagements ?

To keep the good old cause on foot.

And present pow'r from taking root ;

Inflame them both with false 5arms

Of plots and parties taking arms ; 1300

To keep the nation's wounds too wide

From healing up of side to side ;

Profess the passionat'st concerns

For both their interests by turns ;

The only way to improve our own, 1365

By dealing faithfully with none

(As bowls run true, by being made

On purpose false, and to be sway'd :)

For if we should be true to either,

'Twould turn us out of both together ; 1370

And therefore have no other means

To stand upon our own defence.

But keeping up our ancient party

In vigour, confident and hearty ;

To reconcile our late dissenters, 1375

Our brethren, though by other venters :

Unite them and their different maggots,

As long and short sticks are in fagots,

And make them join again as close

As when they first began t' espouse ; 1380

Erect them into separate

New Jewish tribes, in church and state ;

To join in marriage and commerce,

And only among themselves converse ;

And all that are not of their mind, 1385

Make enemies to all mankind :

Take all religions in, and stickle

From conclave down to conventicle ;

Agreeing still, or disagreeing,

According to the light in being. 1396

Sometimes for liberty of conscience,

And spiritual mis-rule, in one sense ;

But in another quite contrary.

As dispensations chance to vary ;

258 HUDIBRAS.

And stand for, as tlie times will bear it, 1395

All contradictions of the spirit;

Protect their emissaries empower *d

To preach sedition and the word ;

And when they're hamper'd b}' the laws.

Release the lab'rers for the cause 14G0

And turn the persecution back

On those that made the first attack;

To keep them equally in awe,

From breaking or maintaining law ;

And when they have their fits too soon, 1405

Before the full-tides of the moon.

Put off their zeal t' a fitter season

For sowing faction in and treason :

And keep them hooded, and their churches,

Like hawks from baiting on their perches, 1410

That, when the blessed time shall come

Of quitting Babylon and Rome,

They may be ready to restore

Their own fifth monarchy once more.

Meanwhile be belter arm'd to fence 1415
Against revolts of Providence,
By watching narrowly, and snapping
All blind sides of it, as they happen :
For if success should make us saints.
Our ruin turn'd us miscreants : 1420

A scandal that would fall too hard
Upon a few, and unprepared.

These are the courses we must run,
Spite of our hearts, or be undone ;
And not to stand on terms and freaks, 14S35
Before we have secur'd our necks :
But do our work, as out of sight.
As stars by day, and suns by night ;
All license of the people own,
In opposition to the crown ; 1430

And for the crown as fiercely side,
The head and body to divide ;
The end of all we first design 'd.
And all that yet remains behind •
Be sure to spare no public rapine, 1435

On all emergencies that happen ;

PART III.— CANTO II. 259

For 'tis as easy to supplant
Authority as men in want ;
As some of us, in trusts, have made
The one hand with the other trade ; 1440

Gain'd vastly by their joint endeavour,
The right a thief, the left receiver ;
And what the one, by tricks, forestall'd,
The other, by as sly, retaiFd.
For gain has wonderful effects 1445

T improve the factory of sects;
The rule of faith in all professions.
And great Diana of the Ephesians ;
Whence turning of religion 's made
The means to turn and wind a trade : 1450
And though some change it for the wors
They put themselves into a course •,
And draw in store of customers,
To thrive the better in commerce*:
For all religions flock together, 145'

4Like tame and wild fowl of a feather;
To nab the itches of their sects.
As jades do one another's necks.
Hence 'tis, Jiypocrisy as well
Will serve t' improve a church as zeal : 14 6J
As persecution or promotion
Do equally advance devotion.

Let business, like ill watches, go
Sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow;
For things in order are put out 1465

So easy, ease itself will do't ;
But when the feat's design'd and meant,
What miracle can bar th' event.''
For 'tis more easy to betray, 1470

Than ruin any other way.
All possible occasions start
The weightiest matters to divert ;
Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle.
And lay perpetual trains to wrangle.
But in affairs of less import, 1475

That neither do us good nor hurt.
And they receive as little by,
Out-fawn as much, and out-comply;

2fi0 HUDIBRAS.

And seem as scrupulously just,

To bait our hooks for greater trust 1480

But still be careful to cry down

All public actions, though our own

The least miscarriage aggravate,

And charge it all upon the state :

Express tlie horrid'st detestation, 1485

And pity the distracted nation ;

Tell stories scandalous and false,

r th' proper language of cabals, .

Where all a subtle statesman says.

Is half in words, and half in face, 1490

(As Spaniards talk in dialogues

Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs:)

Intrust it under solemn vows

Of mum, and silence, and the rose.

To be retail'd again in whispers, 1495

For th' easy 'Credulous to disperse.

Thus far the statesman — when a shout,
'^eard at a distance, put him out ;
A.nd straight another, all aghast,
Rush'd in with equal fear and haste : 1500

Who star'd about, as pale as death.
And, for a while, as out of breath ;
Till having gathered up his wits.
He thus began his tale by fits.

That beastly rabble — that came down 1505
From all the garrets — in the town.
And stalls, and shop-boards — in vast swarms.
With new-chalk'd bills — and rusty arms,
To cry the cause^up, heretofore.
And bawl the bishops — out of door, 1510

\re now drawn up — in greater shoals.
To roast — and broil us on the coals.
And all the grandees — of our members
Are carbonading — on the embers ;
Knights, citizens, and burgesses — 1515

Held forth by rumps — of pigs and geese.
That serve for characters — and badges
To represent their personages :

1505. This is an accurate description of the mob*s
burning rumps upon the admission of the secluded mem-
bers, in contempt of the Rump Parliament.

PART III.— CANTO II. 261

Each bonfire is a funeral pile,
Ijl which they roast, and scorch, and broil,
And ev'ry representative 1521

Have vow'd to roast and broil alive.

And 'tis a miracle we are not
Already sacrific'd incarnate :
For wliile we wrangle here, and jar 1525

W are grillyM all at Temple-Bar :
Some on the sign-post of an ale-house,
Hang in effigie, on the gallows ;
Made up of rags, to personate
Respective officers of state ; 1530

That henceforth they may stand reputed,
Proscrib'd in law, and executed ;
And while the work is carrying on,
Be ready listed under Dun,
That worthy patriot, once the bellows, 1535
And tinder-box, of all his fellows;
The activ'st member of the five.
As well as the most primitive ;
Who, for his faithful service then.
Is chosen for a fifth agen 1540

(For since the state has made a quint
Of generals, he's listed in't.)
This worthy, as the world will say.
Is paid in specie, his own way ;
For, moulded to the life in clouts, 1545

Th' have pick'd from dunghills hereabouts,
He's mounted on a hazle bavin,
A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'em ;
And to the largest bonfire riding.
They've roasted Cook already and Pride in :
On whom, in equipage and state, 1531

His scarecrow fellow-members wait,
And march in order, two and two.
As at thanksgivings th' us'd to do ;
Each in a tatter'd talisman, 1555

Like vermin in effigie slain,

1534. The hangman's name at that time was Dun.

1550. Cook acted as solicitor- general against King
Charles the First at his trial, and afterwards received
his just reward for the same. Pride, a coloneJ 'jj tb»
Parliament's armv

262 HUDIBRAS.

But (what's more dreadful than the rest)

Those rumps are but the tail o' th' beast, m

Set up by Popish engineers,

As by the crackers plainly appears ; 1560

For none but Jesuits have a mission

To preach the faith with ammunition,

And propagate the church with powder:

Their founder was a blown-up soldier.

These spiritual pioneers o' th' whore's, 1565

That have the charge of all her stores,

Since first they fail'd in their designs.

To take in heaven by springing mines.

And with unanswerable barrels

Of gunpowder dispute their quarrels, 1570

Now take a course more practicable,

By laying trains to fire the rabble.

And blow us up in Ih' open streets,

Disguis'd in rumps, like Sambenites ;

More like to ruin, and confound, 1575

Than all the doctrines under ground.
Nor have they chosen rumps amiss

For symbols of state mysteries;

Though some suppose 'twas but to shew

How much tliey scorn'd the saints, the few ;

'Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps, 1581

Are represented best by rumps.

But Jesuits have deeper reaches

In all their politic far-fetches.

And from the Coptic priest, Kircherus,* 1585

Found out this mystic way to jeer us.

For, as th' Egyptians us'd by bees

T' express their antique Ptolemies,

1564. Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the society of
the Jesuits, was a genUeman of Biscay, in Spain, and
bred a soldier ; was at Pampelune when it was besieged
by the French in the year 1521 ; and was so very lame
in both feet, by the damage he sustained there, that he
was forced to keep his bed.

1585. AthanasiusKircher, a Jesuit, hath wrote largely
on the Egyptian mystical learning.

1587. The Egyptians represented their kings (many
of whose names were Ptolemy) under the hieroglyphic
of a bee, dispensing honey to the good and virtuous, and
having a stiug for the wicked and dissolute.

PART III.— CANTO II. 263

And by their stings, the swords they wore,
Held forth authority and power ; 1590

Because these subtle animals
Bear all their intVests in their tails,
And when they're once impaired in that,
Are banish'd their well-order'd state ;
They thought all governments were best 1595
By hieroglyphic rumps exprest.

For, as in bodies natural,
The rump 's the fundament of all.
So, in a commonwealth, or realm.
The government is call'd the helm ; 1600

With which, like vessels under sail,
They're turn'd and winded by the tail;
The tail, which birds and fishes steer
Their courses with through sea and air;
To whom the rudder of the rump is 1605

The same thing with the stern and compass.
This shews how perfectly the rump
And commonwealth in nature jump
For as a fly, that goes to bed,
Rests with his tail above his head, 1610

So in this mongrel state of ours.
The rabble-are the supreme powers;
That hors'd us on their backs, to shew us
A jadish trick at last, and throw us.

The learned rabbins of the Jews 1615

Write there's a bone, which they call luez,
r th' rump of man, of such a virtue,
No force in nature can do hurt to :
And therefore at tiie last great day,
All th' other members shall, they say, 1620
Spring out of this, as from a seed
All sorts of vegetals proceed ;
From whence the learned sons of art
Os sacrum justly style that part :
Then what can better represent 1625

Than this rump bone, the Parliament,
That, after several rude ejections,
And as prodigious resurrections.
With new reversions of nine lives.
Starts up, and like a cat revives ? 1G30

264 HUDIBRAS.

But now, alas ! they're all expir'd
And th' House, as well as members, fir'd ;
Consum'd in kennels by the rout, '

With which they other fires put out :
Condemn'd t' ungoveming distress, 1635

And paltry private wretchedness ;
Worse than the devil, to privation,
Beyond all hopes of restoration ;
And parted, Uke the body and soul,
From all dominion and control. 1640

We, who could lately with a look
Enact, establish, or revoke ;
Whose arbitrary nods gave law.
And frowns kept multitudes in awe ;
Before the bluster of whose hufi", 1645

All hats, as in a storm, flew off;
Ador'd and bow'd to by the great,
Down to the footman and valet ;
Had more bent knees tuan chapel-mats,
And prayers than the crowns of nats ; 1650
Shall now be scoru'd as wretchedly.
For ruin's just as low as high ;
Which might be suffer'd, were it all
The horror that attends our fall :
For some of us have scores more large 1655
Than heads and quarters can discharge ;
And others, who, by restless scraping,
With public frauds, and private rapine,
Have mighty heaps of wealth amass'd.
Would gladly lay down all at last ; 1660

And to be but undone, entail
Their vessels on perpetual jail ;
And bless the dev'l to let them farms
Of forfeit souls on no worse terms.

This said, a near and louder shout 1665

Put all th' assembly to the rout,
Who now began t' out-run their fear,
As horses do from whom they bear ;
But crowded on with so much haste.
Until th' had block'd the passage fast, 1670
And barricado'd it with haunches
Of putwa'd mefc, and bulks, and paunches,

FART I11.-CAN1 0 111. 265

Thai kvah their shoulders strove to sqacDZe,

And raihersave a crippl'd piece

Of all their crushed and broken members, 1G75

Tiian have them grilled on the embers;

Still pressing on with heavy packs

Uf one another on their backs,

'I'lic vanguard could no longer bear

The charges of the forlorn rear, 1G80

But, borne down headlong by the rout,

Were trampled sorely under foot :

Yet notiiing provM so formidable

As the horrid cookery of the rabble;

And fear, that keeps all feeling out, 1683

As lesser pains are by the gout,

Reliev'd 'em with a fresh supply

Of 1 allied force enough to fly.

And beat a Tuscan running horse.

Whose jockey -rider is all spurs. 1690

CANTO III.

J'he Knight and Squire's prodigious flight

'lo quit in' enchanted buw'r by nighl.

He plods to turn liis amorous suit

T' a plea in law, and prosecute :

Repairs lo counsel, to advise

'Bout managing the enterprise;

But first resolves to try by letter,

And one more fair address, to get her.
Who would believe what strange bugbears
Mankind creates itself, of fears
That spring like fern, that insect weed,
Equivocally, without seed ;
And have no possible foundation, 5

But merely in th' imagination ;
And yet can do more dreadful feats
''""ban hags, with all their imps and teats;
Make more bewitch and haunt themselves
'i'han all their nurseries of elves ;' 10

8. Alluding to tiie vulgar opinion, ttiai witches nave
iheir imps, or fami..ai spirits, that are einpioyedin their
o iibolical practices, and suck private teats they hav»
at>out them

N

366 HUDIBRAS.

For fear does things so like a witch,

'Tis hard t'unriddle which is which .

Sets up communities of senses,

To chop and change intelligences ;

As Rosicrucian virtuosos 15

Can see with ears, and hear with noses ;

And when they neither see nor hear,

Have more than both supply'd by fear ;

That makes 'em in the dark see visions,

And hag themselves with apparitions ; 20

And when their eyes discover least,

Discern the subtlest objects best :

Do things not contrary, alone.

To th' course of nature, but its own ;

The courage of the bravest daunt, 25

And turn poltroons as valiant.

For men as resolute appear

With too much as too little fear ;

And when they're out of hopes of flying.

Will run away from death, by dying ; 30

Or turn again to stand it out.

And those they fled, like lions, rout.

This Hudibras had prov'd too true.
Who, by the furies left perdue.
And haunted with detachments, sent 35

From Marshal Legion's regiment,
Was by a fiend, as counterfeit,
Reliev'd and rescued with a cheat ;
When nothing but himself, and fear,
Was both the imp and conjurer ; 40

As, by the rules o' th' virtuosi.
It follows in due form of poesie.

Disguis'd in all the masks of night,
We left our champion on his flight.
At blindman's buff, to grope his way, 45

In equal fear of night and day ;

15. The Rosicrucians were a sect that appeared in
Germany in the beginning of the 17th age. They are
also called the enlightened, immortal, and invisible.
They are a very enthusiastical sort of men, and hold
many wild and extravagant opinions

36. He" used to preach, as if they might expect legions
to drop down from heaven, for the propagation of the
good old cause

PART m.— CANTO III. 267

Who took his dark and desp'rate course,

He knew no better than his horse ;

And, by an unknown devil led

(He knew as little whither) fled. 50

He never was in greater need,

Nor less capacity, of speed ;

Disabled, both in man and beast,

To fly and run away his best ;

To keep the enemy, and fear, 55

From equal falling on his rear.

And though with kicks and bangs he ply'd

The farther and the nearer side

(As seamen ride with all their force.

And tug as if they row'd the horse, 60

And when the hackney sails most swift,

Believe they lag, or run adrift,)

So, though he posted e'er so fast,

His fear was greater than his haste :

For fear, though fleeter than the wind, 65

Believes 'tis always left behind.

But when the morn began t' appear.

And shift t' another scene his fear,

He found his new officious shade.

That came so timely to his aid, 70

And forc'd him from the foe t' escape,

Had turn'd itself to Ralpho's shape ;

So like in person, garb, and pitch,

'Twas hard t' interpret which was which.

For Ralpho had no sooner told 75

The Lady all he had t' unfold.
But she convey'd him out of sight.
To entertain th' approaching Knight ;
And, while he gave himself diversion,
T' accommodate his beast and person, 80

And put his beard into a posture
At best advantage to accost her.
She ordered the anti-masquerade
(For his reception) aforesaid :
But when the ceremony was done, 85

The lights put out, and furies gone.
And Hudibras, among the rest,
Convey'd away, as Ralpho guess'd,

268 IIUDIBRAS.

The wretched caitiff, all alone

(As he believM) began to moan, 90

And tell his story to himself,

The Knight mistook him for an elf;

And did so still, till he began

To scruple at Ralph's outward man ;

And thought, because they oft agreed 95

T' appear in one another's stead,

And act the saint's and devil's part

With undistinguishable art.

They might have done so now, perhaps,

And put on one another's shapes : 100

And therefore, to resolve the doubt,

He star'd upon him, and cry'd out.

What art? Rly Squire, or that bold sprite

That took his place and shape to-night?

Some busy, independent pug, 105

Retamer to his synagogue ?

Alas I quoth he, I'm none of those,

Your bosom friends, as you suppose ;

But Ralph himself, your trusty Squire, 109

Wh' has dragg'd your Donship out o' th' mire,

And from the enchantments of a widow,

Wh' had turn'd you int' a beast, have freed you ;

And, though a prisoner of war.

Have brought you safe where you now are ;

Which you would gratefully repay 115

Your constant Presbyterian way.

That's stranger (quoth the Knight) and
Wlio gave thee notice of my danger? [stranger;

Quoili he, Th' infernal conjurer
Pursued and took me prisoner ; 120

And knowing you were hereabout.
Brought me along to find you out;
Where I in hugger-mugger hid.
Have noted all they said or did :
And though they lay to him the pageant, 125
I did not see him, nor his agent ;
Wlio play'd their sorc'ries out of sight ;
T' avoid a fiercer second fight.
But didst thou see no devils then ?
Not one (quoth he) but carnal men, 130

PART III.— CANTO III. 2G9

A little worse than fiends in hell,
And that she-devil .Tezebel,
That laugh'd and tee-he'd with derision,
To see them take your deposition.

What then (quoth Hudibras) was he 135
That playM the dev'l to examine me ?
A rallying weaver in the town,
That did it in a parson's gown,
Whom all the parish take for gifted ;
But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd it : 140

In which you told them all your feats,
Your conscientious frauds and cheats ;
Deny'd your whipping, and confest
The naked truth of all the rest.
More plainly than the rev'rend writer, 145

That to our churches veil'd his mitre ;
All which they took in black and white.
And cudgell'd me to under-write.

What made thee, when they all were gone.
And none but thou and I alone, 150

To act the devil, and forbear
To rid me of my hellish fear .-'

Quoth he, I knew your constant rate
And frame of spVit too obstinate
To be by me prevail'd upon 155

With any motives of my own ;
And therefore strove to counterfeit
The dev'l awhile to nick your wit ;
The dev'l, that is your constant crony.
That only can prevail upon ye ; 160

Else we might still have been disputing.
And they with weighty drubs confuting.

The Knight, who now began to find
Th' had left the enemy behind,
And saw no farther harm remain, 165

But feeble weariness and pain,
Perceiv'd, by losing of their way,
Th' hadgain'd th' advantage of the day;
And, by dechning of the road,
They had, by chance, their rear made good ; 170

145. A most reverend prelate, A. B. of Y. who sided
with the disaffected party

970 HUDIBRAS.

He ventur'd to dismiss his fear,

That parting 's want to rent and tear,

And give the desperat'st attack

To danger still behind its back :

For having paus'd to recollect, 175

And on his past success reflect,

T' examine and consider why.

And whence, and how, they came to fly,

And when no devil had appear'd,

What else, it could be said, he fear'd ; 180

It put him in so fierce a rage,

He once rcsolv'd to re-engage ;

Toss'd like a foot-ball back again.

With shame and vengeance, and disdain.

Quoth he, It was thy cowardice 185

That made me from this leaguer rise :

And when Yd half reduc'd tiie place,

To quit it infamously base :

Was better cover'd by the new-

Arriv'd detachment than I knew; 190

To slight my new acquests, and run

Victoriously from battles won ;

And reckoning all I gain'd or lost,

To sell them cheaper than they cost ;

To make me put myself to flight, 195

And conqu'ring run away by night ;

To drag me out, which th' haughty foe

Durst never have presum'd to do ;

To mount me in the dark, by force,

Upon the bare ridge of my horse ; 200

Expos'd in querpo to their rage.

Without my arms and equipage ;

Lest, if they ventur'd to pursue,

I might th' unequal fight renew ;

And, to preserve thy outward man, 205

Assum'd my place, and led the van.

All this quoth Ralph, I did, 'tis true,
Not to preserve myself but you ;
You, who were damn'd to baser drubs
Than wretches feel in powd'ring tubs ? 210
To mount two-wheel'd caroches, worse
Than managing a wooden horso ;

PART III.— CANTO III. 271

Dragg'd out through straiter lioles by th' ears,
Eras'd or coupM for perjurers ;
Who, though th' attempt had prov'd in vain.
Had had no reason to complain : 216

But since it prospered, 'tis unhandsome
To blame the hand that paid your ransom,
And rescu'd your obnoxious bones
From unavoidable battoons. 220

The enemy was reinforc'd,
And we disabled, and unhors'd,
Disarm'd, unqualify'd for figjht,
And no way left but hasty flight,
Which, though as desp'rate in th' attempt, 225
Has giv'n you freedom to condemn 't.
But were our bones in fit condition
To reinforce the expedition,
'Tis now unseasonable, and vain,
To think of falling on again. 230

No martial project to surprise
Can ever be attempted twice ;
Nor can design serve afterwards,
As gamesters tear their losing-cards.
Beside our bangs of man and beast 235

Are fit for nothing now but rest,
And for a while will not be able
To rally and prove serviceable ;
And therefore I, with reason, chose
This stratagem t' amuse our foes ; 240

To make an honourable retreat,
And wave a total sure defeat :
For those that fly may fight again,
Which he can never do that's slain.
Hence timely running 's no mean part 245

Of conduct in the martial art;
By which some glorious feats achieve.
As citizens by breaking thrive ;
And cannons conquer armies, while
They seem to draw off" and recoil ; 250

Is held the gallant'st course, and bravest,
To great exploits, as well as safest ;
That spares th' expense of time and pains,
And dangerous beating out of brains ;

5B72 HUDIBRAS.

And in the end prevails as certain 255

As those that never trust to fortune ;

But make their fear do execution

Beyond the stoutest resolution ;

As earthquakes kill vi^ithout a blow,

And, only trembling, overtlirow. 260

If th' ancients crown'd their bravest men,

That only sav'd a citizen,

What victory could e'er be won,

If ev'ry one would save but one?

Or fight endanger'd to be lost, 2C5

Where all resolve to save the most ?

By this means when a battle's won.

Trie war 's as far from being done ;

For those that save themselves, and fly,

Go halves, at least, i' th' victory ; 270

And sometimes, when the loss is small,

And danger great, they challenge all ;

Print new additions to their feats.

And emendations in Gazettes ;

And when, for furious haste to run, 275

They durst not stay to fire a gun.

Have done 't with bonfires, at home

Made squibs and crackers overcome ;

To set the rabble on a flame,

And keep their governors from blame; 280

Disperse the news the pulpit tells,

Confirm'd with fire-works and with bells ;

And though reduc'd to that extreme,

Tliey have been forc'd to sing Te Deum ;

Yet, wth religious blasphemy, 285

By flattering Heaven with a lie.

And for their beating giving thanks,

Th' have rais'd recruits, and filFd their banks ;

For those wlio run from th' enemy,

Engage them equally to fly ; 290

And when the fight becomes a chase.

Those win the day that win the race ;

And that which would not pass in fights.

Has done the feat with easy fiights ;

261. The Romans highly honoured, and nobly re-
warded, those persons that were instrumental in the
preservation of the lives of their citizens, either in battle
or otherwise.

PART III.— CANTO III. 273

Recovered many a desp'rate campaign 295

With Bourdeaux, Burgmidy, and Champaign :

Restor'd the fainting high and mighty

With Brandy-wine and aqua-vitjE ;

And made 'em stoutly overcome

With Bacrack, Hoccamore, and Mum ; 300

Whom th' imcontroird decrees of fate

To victory necessitate ;

With which, although they run or burn,

They unavoidably return :

Or else their sultan populaces 305

Still strangle all their routed Bassas.

Quoth Hudibras, I understand
What fights thou mean'st at sea and land,
And who those were that run away,
And yet gave out th' had won the day ; 310
Although the rabble sous'd them for 't,
O'er head and ears, in mud and dirt,
'Tis true, our modern way of war
Is grown more politic by far,
But not so resolute and bold, 315

Nor ty'd to honour, as the old.
For now they laugh at giving battle,
Unless it be to herds of cattle ;
Or fighting convoys of provision,
The whole design o' th' expedition ; 320

And not with downright blows to rout
The enemy, but eat them out :
As fighting, in all beasts of prey,
And eating, are perform'd one way,
To give defiance to their teeth, 325

And fight their stubborn guts to death ;
And those achieve the high'st renown.
That bring the others stomachs down.
There's now no fear of wounds, nor maiming ;
All dangers are reduc'd to famine ; 330

And feats of arms, to plot, design.
Surprise, and stratagem, and mine ;

305 The author compares the arbitrary actings of the
ungovernable mob to the Sultan or Grand Signior, who
very seldom fails to sacrifice any of his chief comman-
ders, called Bassas, if they prove unsuccessful in battla

N2

274 HUDIBRAS.

But have no need nor use of courage,

Unless it be for glory or forage :

For if they fight, 'tis but by chance, 335

When one side ventTing to advance.

And come uncivilly too near,

Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' rear ;

And forc'd, with terrible resistance ;

To keep hereafter at a distance ; 340

To pick out ground t' encamp upon.

Where store of largest rivers run,

That serve, instead of peaceful barriers,

To part th' engagements of their warriors ;

Were both from side to side may skip, 345

And only encounter at bo-peep :

For men are found the stouter-hearted.

The certainer th' are to be parted.

And therefore post themselves in bogs.

As th' ancient mice attack'd the frogs, 350

And made their mortal enemy.

The water-rat, their strict ally.

For 'tis not now, who's stout and bold.

But who bears hunger best, and cold ;

And he's approv'd the most deserving, 355

Who longest can hold out at starving ;

And he that routs most pigs and cows,

The formidablest man of prowess.

So th' emperor Caligula,

That triumph'd o'er the British Sea, 360

Took crabs and oysters prisoners.

And lobsters, 'stead of cuirassiers ;

Engag'd his legions in fierce bustles

With periwinkles, prawns, and muscles ;

And led his troops with furious gallops, 365

To charge whole regiments of scallops ;

Not like their ancient way of war,

To wait on his triumphal car ;

But, when he went to dine or sup,

More bravely eat his captives up : 370

And left all war, by his example,

Reduc'd to vict'lirig of a camp well.

250. Homer wrote a poem of the war between the
mice and the frogs.

PART III.— CANTO III. 273

Quoth Ralph, By all that you have said,
And twice as much that I could add,
'Tis plain you cannot now do worse 375

Than take this out-of-fashion'd course,
To hope, by stratagem to woo her,
Or waging battle to subdue her :
Though some have done it in romances
And bang'd them into amorous fancies ; 380
As those who won the Amazons,
By wanton drubbing of their bones ;
And stout Rinaldo gain'd his bride,
By courting of her back and side.
But since those times and feats are over, 385
They are not for a modern lover,
When mistresses are too cross-grain'd
By such addresses to be gain'd ;
And if they were, would have '\t out
With many another kind of bout. 390

Tlierefore I hold no course s' infeasible.
As this of force, to win the Jezebel ;
To storm her heart, by th' antic charms
Of ladies errant, force of arms ;
But rather strive by law to win her, 395

And try the title you have in her.
Your case is clear ; you have her word.
And me to witness the accord ;
Besides two more of her retinue
To testify what pass'd between you ; 400

More probable, and hke to hold.
Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold ;
For which so many that renounc'd
Their plighted contracts have been trounc'd ;
And bills upon record been found, 405

That forc'd the ladies to compound ;
And that, unless I miss the matter.
Is all the business you look after.
Besides, encounters at the bar
Are braver now than those in war, 410

In which the law does execution
With less disorder and confusion ;

383. A story in Tasso, an Italian poet, of a hero that
gained bis mistress by conquej-ing her party.

276 HUDIBRAS.

Has more of honour in 't, some hold,

Not hke the new way, but the old,

When those the pen had drawn together, 415

Decided quarrels with a feather,

And winged arrows kill'd as dead,

And more than bullets now of lead.

So all their combats now, as then.

Are manag'd chiefly by the pen ; 420

That does the feat with braver vigours.

In words at length, as well as figures :

Is judge of all the world performs

In voluntary feats of arms ;

And whatsoe'er 's achiev'd in fight, 425

Determines which is wrong or right ;

For whether you prevail, or lose.

All must be try'd there in the close :

And therefore 'tis not wise to shun

What you must trust to ere y' have done. 430

The law, that settles all you do,
And marries where you did but woo ;
That makes the most perfidious lover
A lady, that's as false, recover ;
And if it judge upon your side, 435

Will soon extend her for your bride.
And put her person, goods, or lands,
Or which you like best, int' your hands.

For law 's the wisdom of all ages,
And manag'd by the ablest sages ; 440

Who, though their bus'ness at the bar
Be but a kind of civil war.
In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons ,
Than e'er the Grecians did and Trojans,
They never manage the contest 445

T' impair their public interest.
Or by their controversies lessen
The dignity of their profession :
Not hke us brethren who divide
Our commonwealth, the cause, and side ; 450
And though w' are all as near of kindred
As th' outward man is to the inward,
We agree in nothing but to wrangle
About the sUghtest fingle-fangle ;

PART m.— CANTO HI. 277

While lawyers have more sober sense 455

Than t' argue at their own expense,

But make their best advantages

Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss ;

And out of foreign controversies,

By aiding both sides fill their purses ; 460

But have no int'rest in the cause

For which th' engage, and wage the laws ;

Nor farther prospect than their pay,

Whether they lose or win tlie day :

And though they abounded in all ages, 466

With sundry learned clerks and sages.

Though all their business be dispute.

Which way they canvass evVy suit,

Th' have no disputes about their art.

Nor in polemics controvert ; 470

While all professions else are found

With nothing but disputes t' abound ;

Divines of all sorts, and physicians.

Philosophers, mathematicians.

The Galenist and Paracelsian, 475

Condemn the way each other deals in ;

Anatomists dissect and mangle.

To cut themselves out work to wrangle ;

Astrologers dispute their dreams.

That in their sleeps they talk of schemes ; 480

And heralds stickle who got who,

So many hundred years ago.

But lawyers are too wise a nation
T' expose their trade to disputation,
Or make the busy rabble judges 485

Of all their secret piques and grudges ;
In which whoever wins the day.
The whole profession 's sure to pay.
Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats,
Dare undertake to do their feats ; 490

When in all other sciences
They swarm, like insects, and increase.

For what bigot durst ever draw,
By inward light, a deed in law ?
Or could hold forth, by revelation, 495

An answer to a declaration ?

378 HUDIBRAS.

For those that meddle with their tools
Will cut their fingers, if they 're fools :
And if you follow their advice,
In bills, and answers, and replies, 500

They '11 write a love-letter in chancery,
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye,
And soon reduce her to b' your wife,
Or make her weary of her Ufe,

The Knight, who us"d with tricks ^nd shifts
To edify by Ralpho's gifts, 506

But in appearance cry'd him down.
To make them better seem his own
(All plagiaries' constant course
Of sinking, when they took a purse) 510

Resolv'd 10 follow his advice,
But kept it from him by disguise ;
And, after stubborn contradiction.
To counterfeit his own conviction.
And by transition fall upon 515

The resolution as his own.

Quoth he. This gambol thou advisest
Is of all others the unwisest ;
For if I think by law to gain her.
There 's nothing sillier or vainer. 520

'Tis but to hazard my pretence.
Where nothing 's certain but th' expense ;
To act against myself, and traverse
My suit and title to her favours ;
And if she should (which Heav'n forbid) 525
O'erthrow me, as the fiddler did.
What after-course have I to take,
'Gainst losing all I have at stake ?
He that with injury is griev'd.
And goes to law to be reliev'd, 530

Is sillier than a sottish chouse.
Who, when a thief has robb'd his house,
Apphes himself to cunning men.
To help him to his goods agen ;
When all he can expect to gain 535

Is but to squander more in vain :
And yet I have no other way
But is as difficult to play :

PART III.— CANTO III. 279

For to reduce her by main force

Is now in vain : by fair means, worse ; 540

But worst of all to give her over,

Till she 's as despVate to recover :

For bad games are thrown up too soon,

Until th' are never to be won.

But since I have no other course 545

But is as bad t' attempt, or worse,

He that complies against his will.

Is of his own opinion still ;

Which he may adhere to, yet disown,

For reasons to himself best known : 550

But 'tis not to b' avoided now,

For Sidrophel resolves to sue ; i

Whom I must answer, or begin

Inevitably first with him ;

For I've receiv'd advertisement, 555

By times enough, of his intent ;

A.nd knowing he that first complains

Th' advantage of the business gains ;

For courts of justice understand

The plaintiff to be eldest hand ; 560

Who what he pleases may aver.

The other nothing till he swear;

Is freely admitted to all grace.

And lawful favour, by his place ;

And for his bringing custom in, 565

Has all advantages to win :

I, who resolve to oversee

No lucky opportunity.

Will go to counsel, to advise

Which way t' encounter, or surprise ; 570

And, after long consideration.

Have found out one to fit th' occasion,

Most apt for what I have to do.

As counsellor and justice too.

And truly so, no doubt, he was, 575

A lawyer fit for such a case.

An old dull sot, who told the clock
For many years at Bridewell-dock,

577 Pndeaux, a justice of peace, a very pragmatical
busy person in those times, and a mercenary and cruel

280 HUDIBRAS.

At Westminster, and Hick's-Hall,

And Hiccius Doctius play'd in all ; 580

Where in all governments and times,

H' had been both friend and foe to crimes,

And us'd two equal ways of gaining,

By hindering justice, or maintaining ;

To many a whore gave privilege, 585

And whipp'd, for want of quarterage ;

Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent.

For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent ;

And many a trusty pimp and crony

To Puddle-dock, for want of money; 590

Engag'd t'le constable to seize

All those that would not break the peace,

Nor give him back his own foul words.

Though sometimss commoners or lords.

And kept 'em prisoners of course, 595

For being sober at ill hours ;

That in the morning he might free

Or bind 'em over for his fee :

Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays,

For leave to practise in their ways ; 600

Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share

With th' headborough and scavenger ;

And made the dirt i' th' streets compound

For taking up the public ground ;

The kennel, and-the king's highway, 605

For being miraolested, pay ;

Let out the stocks, and whipping-post.

And cage, to those that gave him most ;

Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears.

And for false weights on chandelers ; 610

Made victuallers and vintners fine

For arbitrary ale and wine ;

But was a kind and constant friend

To all that regularly offend;

As residentiary bawds, 615

And brokers that receive stol'n goods ;

magistrate, infamous for tlie following methods of get-
ting money among many othera.

589. There was a jail for puny offenders.

599. He extorted money from those that kept shows,

PART IIL-CANTO III. 281

That clieat in lawful mysteries,

And pay church duties and his fees ;

But was implacable, and awkward,

To all that interloped and hawker'd. 620

To this brave man the Knight repairs
For counsel in his law-affairs ;
And found him mounted in his pew.
With books and money plac'd for show,
Like nest-eggs, to make clients lay, 625

And for his false opinion pay :
To whom the Knight, with comely grace,
Put ofTiiis hat to put his case ;
Which he as proudly entertain'd
As th' other courteously strain'd ; 630

And, to assure him 'twas not that
He look'd for, bid him put on "s hat.

Quoth he. There is one Sidrophel,
Whom I have cudgell'd — Very well.
And now he brags t' have beaten me — 63f
Better and better still, quoth he.
And vows to stick me to a wall,
Where'er he meets me — Best of all.
'Tis true, the knave has taken 's oath
That I robb'd him— Well done, in troth. 64C
When h' has confess'd he stole my cloak,
And pick'd my fob, and what he took ;
Which was the cause that made me bang him,
And take my goods again — Marry, hang him.
Now whether I should before-hand, 645

Swear he robb'd me.'' — I understand.
Or bring my action of conversion
And trover for my goods ? — Ah, whoreson !
Or if 'tis better to indite,

And bring him to his trial ' — Right. 656

Prevent what he designs to do.
And swear for th' state against him i" — True.
Or whether he that is defendant
In this case has the better end on 't ;
Who, putting in a new cross-bill, 65?

May traverse th' action ? — Better still.
Then there's a lady too — Aye, marry.
That's easily prov'd accessary ;

282 HUDIBRAS.

A widow, who, by solemn vows
Contracted to me, for my spouse, 660

Combin'd with him to break her word,
• And lias abetted all — Good Lord !
Suborn'd th' aforesaid Sidrophel
To tamper with the dev'l of hell ;
Who put m' into a horrid fear, 665

Fear of my life — Make that appear.
Made an assault with fiends and men
Upon my body — Good agen.
And kept me in a deadly fright,
And false imprisonment, all night. 670

Meanwhile they robb"d me, and my horse,
And stole my saddle — Worse and worse,
And made me mount upon the bare ridge,
T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage.

Sir, quoth the lawyer, not to flatter j'e, 675
You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish, and need not shame
The proudest man alive to claim :
For if th' have us'd you as you say,
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy. 680

I would it were my case, I'd give
More than I'll say, or you '11 believe.
I would so trounce her, and her purse,
I'd make her kneel for better or worse ;
For matrimony and hanging here 685

Both go by destiny so clear.
That you as sure may pick and choose,
As Cross, I win ; and Pile, you lose ;
And, if I durst, I would advance
As much in ready maintenance, 690

As upon any case I 've known ;
But we that practice dare not own :
The law severely contrabands
Our taking bus'ness off men's hands ;
'Tis common barratry, that bears 695

Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears.
And crops them till there is not leather
To stick a pin in left of either ;
For which some do the summer-sault,
And o'er the bar, Uke tumblers vault • 700

PART III.— CANTO III. 283

But you may swear, at any rate,

Things not in nature, for tlie state ;

For in all courts of justice here,

A witness is not said to swear,

But make oath ; that is, in plain terms, 705

To forge whatever he affirms.

I thank you, (quoth the Knight) for that,
Because 'tis to my purpose pat —
For Justice, thougli she 's painted blind,
Is to the weaker side inclin'd, 710

Like Charity ; else right and wrong
Could never hold it out so long.
And, like blind Fortune, with a sleight
-Convey men's interest and right
From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's, 715

As easily as Hocus Pocus ;
Play fast and loose ; make men obnoxious,
And clear again, like Hipcius Doctius.
Then whether you would take her life,
Or but recover her for your wife, 720

Or be content with what she has,
And let all other matters pass,
The bus'ness to the lavv 's alone,
The proof is all it looks upon ;
And you can want no witnesses 725

To swear to any thing you please.
That hardly get their mere expenses
By th' labour of their consciences;
Or letting out to hire their ears
To affidavit customers, 730

At inconsiderable values.
To serve for jury-men or tallies.
Although retaind in th' hardest matters
Of trustees and administrators.

For that, quoth he, let me alone ; 735

W have store of such, and all our own ;
Bred up and tutor'd by our teachers.
The ablest of conscience-stretchers.

That's well, quoth he ; but I should guess,
By weighing all advantages, 740

715. John a Nokes, and John a Stiles, are two ficti
tioire names made use of m stating cases of law only.

284 HUDIBRAS

Your surest way is first to pitch

On Bongey for a water-witch ;

And when y' have hang'd the conjurer,

Y' have time enough to deal with her.

in th' int'rim, spare for no trepans 745

To draw her neck into the bans ;

Ply her with love-letters and billets,

And bait 'em well, for quirks and quillets,

With trains t' inveigle and surprise

Her heedless answers and replies : 750

And if she miss the mouse-trap lines,

They'll serve for other by-designs :

And make an artist understand

To copy out her seal, or hand ;

Or find void places in the paper 755

To steal in something to entrap her ;

Till, with her worldly goods and body.

Spite of her heart, she has endow'd ye :

Retain all sorts of witnesses.

That ply i' th' Temple under trees ; 760

Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts.

About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts ;

Or wait for customers between

The pillar-rows in Lincoln's Inn ;

Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail, 765

And affidavit men, ne'er fail

T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths.

According to their ears and clothes,

Their only necessary tools.

Besides the Gospel and their souls : 770

And when y' are furnish'd with all purveys

I shall be ready at your service.

I would not give, quoth Hudibras,
A straw to understand a case,

742. Bongey was a Franciscan, and lived towards tlift
end of thethirti'entli centuiy, a doctor of divinity in Ox-
ford, and a particular acquainiance of Friar Bacon's.
In that ignorant age, every thing that seemed extraor-
dinary was reputed niasric ; and sc both Bacon and Bon-
gey went under the imputation of studying the black art.
Bongey also, publishing a ireatiseof Natural Magic, con-
firmed some well meaning credulous people iu this
opinion; but it was altogether groundless ; for Bongey
was chosen provincial of his order, being a persion oi
most excellent parts and piety.

TO HIS LADY. 285

Without the admirable skill 775

To wind and manage it at will ;

To veerj and tack, and steer a cause

Against the weather-gage of laws

And ring the changes upon cases

As plain as noses upon faces, 780

As you have well instructed me

For which you've earned (here 'tis) your fee.

I long to practise your advice,

And try the subtle artifice ;

To bait a letter as you bid ; 785

As not long after thus he did :

For having pump'd up all his wit,

And humm'd upon it, thus he writ : —

AN HISTORICAL EPISTLE OF

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.

1 WHO was once as groat as Csesar,

Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnezzar;

And from as fam'd a conqueror

As ever took degree in war.

Or did his exercise in battle, 5

By you turn'd out to grass with cattle :

For since I am deny'd access

To all my earthly happiness,

Am falln from the paradise

Of your good graces, and fair eyes ; 10

Lost to the world and you, I'm sent

To everlasting banishment.

Where all the hopes I had t' have won

Your heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own.

Yet if you were not so severe 15

To pass your doom before you hear,
You'd find, upon my just defence,
How much y' have wrong'd my innocence.
That once I made a vow to you.
Which yf,t is unperform'd, 'tis true : 20

286 HUDIBRAS.

But not because it is unpaid,

'Tis violated, though delay'd ;

Or, if it were, it is no fault,

So heinous as you 'd have it thought ;'

To undergo the loss of ears, 25

Like vulgar hackney perjurers :

For there 's a difference in the caso.

Between the noble and the base ;

Who always are observ'd t' have done 't

Upon as different an account ; 30

The one for great and weighty cause,

To salve in honour ugly flaws ;

For none are like to do it sooner

Than those who are nicest of their honour;

The otiier for base gain and pay, 35

Forswear and perjure by the day ;

And make th' exposing and retailing

Their souls and consciences a calling.

It is no scandal, nor aspersion,
Upon a great and noble person, 40

To say he nat'rally abhorr'd
Th' old-fashion'd trick to keep his word ;
Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame
In meaner men to do the same :
For to be able to forget, 45

Is found more useful to the great,
Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes,
To make 'em pass for wondrous wise.
But though the law on perjurers
Inflicts the forfeiture of ears, 50

It is not just that does exempt
The guilty, and punish th' innocent ;
To make the ears repair the wrong
Committed by th' ungovern'd tongue;
And when one member is forsworn, 55

Another to be cropt or torn.
And if you should, as you design,
By course of law recover mine.
You 're like, if you consider right,
To gain but little honour by 't. 60

For he that for his lady's sake
Lays down his Ufe^or limbs at stake.

TO HIS LADY. 287

Does not so much deserve her favour,

As he that pawns his soul to have her

This y' have acknowledg'd I have done, 65

Although you now disdain to own ;

But sentence what you rather ought

T' esteem good service than a fau't.

Besides, oaths are not bound to bear

That literal sense the words infer, 70

But, by the practice of the age.

Are to be judg'd how far th' engage ;

And, where the sense by custom 's checkt,

Are found void, and of none effect.

For no man takes or keeps a vow 75

But just as he sees others do ;

Nor are th' obliged to be so brittle.

As not to yield and bow a little :

For as best-temper'd blades are found.

Before they break, to bend quite round, 80

So truest oaths are still most tough.

And though they bow, are breaking proof.

Then wherefore should they not b' allow'd

In love a greater latitude.''

For as the law of arms approves 85

All ways to conquest, so should love's;

And not be ty'd to true or false.

But make that justest that prevails :

For how can that which is above

All empire, high and mighty love, 90

Submit its great prerogative

To any other power alive ?

Shall love, that to no crown gives place,

Become the subject of a case ?

The fundamental law of nature, 95

Be over-rul'd by those made after.'

Commit the censure of its cause

To any but its own great laws ;

Love, that 's the world's preservative,

That keeps all souls of things alive ; 100

Controls the mighty pow'r of fate.

And gives mankind a longer date ;

The life of nature, that restores

As fast as time and death devours ;

288 HUDIBRAS.

To whose free gift the world does owe, 105

Not only earth, but heaven too ;

For love "s the only trade tliat 's driven,

The interest of state in heav'n.

Which nothing but the soul of man

Is capable to entertain. 110

For what can earth produce, but love,

To represent the joys above?

Or who but lovers can converse.

Like angels, by the eye-discourse?

Address and compliment by vision ; 115

Make love and court by intuition ?

And bum in amorous flames as fierce

As those celestial ministers ?

Then how can any thing offend,

In order to so great an end ? 120

Or heav'n itself a sin resent,

That for its own supply was meant ?

That merits, in a kind mistake,

A pardon for the offence's sake ?

Or if it did not, but the cause 125

Were left to th' injury of laws.

What tyranny can disapprove

There should be equity in love ?

For laws that are inanimate,

And feel no sense of love or hate, 130

That have no passion of their own,

Nor pity to be wrought upon.

Are only proper to inflict

Revenge on criminals as strict :

But to have power to forgive, 135

Is empire and prerogative ;

And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem

To grant a pardon than condemn.

Then since so few do what they ought,

'Tis great t' indulge a well-meant fau't : 140

113. Metaphysicians are of opinion, that angels and
souls departed, being divested of all gross matter, under-
stand carh otlier's sentiments by intuition, and conse-
quently maintain k sort of conversation without the or-
gans of speech.

121. In regard children are capable of being inhabit-
ants of heaven, therefore it should not resent it as a
crime to supply store of iiiliabitanls for it.

TO HIS LADY. 289

For why should he who made address,

All humble ways, without success,

And met with nothing, in return,

But insolence, affronts, and scorn,

Not strive by wit to countermine, 145

And bravely carry his design ?

He who was us'd so unlike a soldier,

Blown up with philtres of love-powder ;

And after letting blood, and purging.

Condemned to voluntary scourging; 150

Alarm'd with many a horrid fright.

And claw'd with goblins in the night;

Insulted on, revil'd, and jeer'd.

With rude invasion of his beard ;

And when your sex was foully scandall'd, 155

As foully by the rabble handled ;

Attack'd by despicable foes,

And drubb'd with mean and vulgar blows ;

And, after all, to be debarred

So much as standing on his guard ; 160

When horses, being spurr'd and prick 'd,

Have leave to kick for being kick'd?

Or why should you, whose mother-wits
Are furnish 'd with all perquisites,
That with your breeding-teeth begin, 165

And nursing babies, that lie in,
B' allow'd to put all tricks upon
Our cully sex, and we use none ?
We, who have nothing but frail vows
Against your stratagems t' oppose ; 170

Or oaths more feeble than your own,
By which we are no less put down ?
You wound, like Parthians, while j'ou fly.
And kill with a retreating eye ;
Retire the more, the more we press, 175

To draw us into ambushes.
As pirates all false colours wear
T' intrap th' unwary mariner,

173. Parthians are the inhabitants of a province in
Persia : lliey are excellent horsemen, and very exquisite
at their bows ; and it is reported of them, that they ge-
nerally slew more on their retreat than they did in Oie
engagement.

O

290 HUDIBRAS

So women, to surprise us, spread

The borrow'd fla^s of white and red^ 18ft

Display 'em thicker on their cheeks

Than their old grandmothers, the Picts ;

And raise more devils with their looks,

Than conjurer's less subtle books;

Lay trains of amorous intrigues, 185i

In tow'rs, and curls, and periwigs.

With greater art and cunning rear'd,

Than Philip Nye's thanksgiving beard,

Prepost'rously t' entice and gain

Those to adore 'em they disdain ; 190

And only draw 'em in to clog

With idle names a catalogue.
A lover is, the more lie 's brave,

T' his mistress but the more a slave,

And wliatsoever she commands, 195

Becomes a favour from her hands ;

Which he 's oblig'd t' obey, and must,

Whether it be unjust or just.

Then when he is compelfd by her

T' adventures he would else forbear, 200'

Who with his honour can withstand.

Since force 1^ greater than command.''

And when necessity 's obey'd,

Nothing can be unjust or bad :

And therefore when the mighty pow'rs 205

Of love, our great ally and yours.

Join'd forces not to be withstood

By frail enamour'd flesh and blood.

All I have done, unjust or ill.

Was in obedience to your will ; 210

And all the blame that can be due,

Falls to your cruelty, and you.

Nor are those scandals 1 confest.

Against my will and interest.

More than is daily done of course 215

By all men, when tliey're under force :

Whence some, upon the rack, confess

What th' hangman and their prompters please

]88. One of the assembly of divides, very remarkable:
for the singularity of fiis beard.

TO HIS LADY. 291

But are no sooner out of pain,

Than they deny it all again. 220

But when the devil turns confessor,

Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure

To hear, or pardon, like the founder

Of liars, whom they all claim under ;

And therefore when I told him none, 225

I think it was the wiser done.

Nor am I witiiout precedent.

The first tliat on th' adventure went :

All mankind ever did of course,

And daily does the same, or worse. 230

For what romance can shew a lover,

Tiiat had a lady to recover.

And did not steer a nearer course,

To fall aboard in his amours ?

And what at first was held a crime, 235

Has turn'd to honourable in time.

To what a height did infant Rome,
By ravishing of women, come '.
What men upon their spouses seiz'd,
. And freely marry'd where they pleas'd, 240
They ne'er forswore themselves, nor ly'd.
Nor, in the mind they were in, dy'd ;
Nor took the pains t' address and sue.
Nor play'd the masquerade to woo :
Disdain'd to stay for friends' consents, 245
Nor juggled about settlements;
Did need no licence, nor no priest,
Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist;
Nor lawyers, to join land and money
In th' holy state of matrimony, 250

Before they settled hands and hearts.
Till alimony or death them parts ;

237. When Romulus had built Rome, he made it an
asylum, or pi ace of refuge, for all malefactors, and others
obnoxious to the laws, to retire to, by which means it
soon came to be very populous ; but when he began to
consider, that, without propagation, it would soon be
destitute of inhabitants, he invented several fine shows,
and invited the young Sabine women, then neighbours to
them; and when tliey had them secure, they ravished
Ihem ; from whence proceeded so numerous an oflspring.
252. Alimony is an allowance that the law gives tiie
woman for her separate maintenance upon living from

1392 HUDIBRAS

Nor would endure to stay until

Th' had got the very bride's good will ;

But took a wise and shorter course 255

To will the ladies, downright force ;

And justly made 'em pris'ners then,

As they have, often since, us men,

With acting plays, and dancing jigs,

The luckiest of all love's intrigues ; 260

And when they had them at their pleasure,

Then talk'd of love and flames at leisure ;

For after matrimony's over,

He that holds out but half a lover,

Deserves for ev'ry minute more 265

Than half a year of love before ;

For which the dames, in contemplation

Of that best way of application,

Prov'd nobler wives than e'er were known

By suit or treaty to be won ; 270

And such as all posterity

Could never equal, nor come nigh.

For women first were made for men.
Not men for them. — It follows, then.
That men have right to ev'ry one, 275

And they no freedom of their own :
And therefore men have pow'r to choose,
But they no charter to refuse.
Hence 'tis apparent that, what course
Soe'er we take to your amours, 280

Thougli by the indirectest way,
'Tis no injustice, nor foul play ;
And that you ought to take that course,
As wo take you, for better or worse ;
And gratefully submit to those 285

Who you, before another, chose.
For why should ev'ry savage beast
Exceed his great lord's interest .''
Have freer pow'r than he in grace,
And nature, o'er the creature has ? 290

Because the laws he since has made
Have cut oiF all the pow'r he had ;

her h\isband. That and death are reckoned the only
separacions in a married state.

TO HIS LADY. 293

Retrench'd the absolute dominion

Tiiat nature gave him over women;

When all his pow'r will not extend 295

One law of nature to suspend ;

And but to offer to repeal

The smallest clause, is to rebel.

This, if men rightly understood

Their privilege, they would make good ; 300

And not, like sots, permit their wives

T' encroach on their prerogatives ;

For which sin they deserve to be

Keptas they are, in slavery :

And this some precious gifted teachers, 305

Unrev'rently reputed leachers,

And disobey 'd in making love,

Have vow'd to all the world to prove,

And make ye suffer, as you ought.

For that uncharitable fau"t. 310

But I forget myself, and rove

Beyond th' instructions of my love.

Forgive me (Fair) and only blame
Th' extravagancy of my flame,
Since 'tis too much at once to shew 315

Excess of love and temper too.
All I have said that 's bad and true.
Was never meant to aim at you.
Who have so sov'reign a control
O'er that poor slave of yours, my soul, 320
That, rather than to forfeit you,
Has ventur'd loss of heaven too ;
Both with an equal pow'r possest.
To render all that serve you blest;
But none like him, who's destin'd either 325
To have or lose you both together ;
And if you '11 but this fault release
(For so it must be, since you please)
I '11 pay down all that vow, and more,
Which you commanded, and I swore, 330

And expiate upon my skin
Th' arrears in full of all my sin :
For 'tis but just that I should pay
Th' accruing penance for delay ;

294 THE LADY'S AJ^SWER

Which shall be done, until it move 335

Your equal pity and your love.

The Knight perusing this Epistle,
Believ'd h' had brought lier to his whistle,
And read it like a jocund lover.
With great applause, t' himself, twice over ; 340
Subscrib'd his name, but at a fit
And liumble distance, to his wit ;
And dated it with wondrous art,
Giv'n fiom the bottom of his heart ;
Then seal'd it with his coat of love, 345

A smoking fagot — and above.
Upon a scroll — I burn, and weep ;
And near it — For her Ladysliip,
Of all her sex most excellent.
These to her gentle hands present : 350

Then gave it to his faithful Squire,
With lessons how t' observe and eye her.

She first considered which was better,
To send it back, or burn the letter :
But guessing that it might import, 355

Though nothing else, at least her sport,
She open'd it, and read it out.
With many a smile and leering flout ;
Resolv'd to answer it in kind.
And thus performed what she design'd. 360

THE LADY'S ANSWER

THE KNIGHT.

That you 're a beast, and turned to grass,

Is no strange news, nor ever was.

At least to me, who once, you know,

Did from the pound replevin you.

When both your sword and spurs were won 5

In combat by an Amazon :

TO THE KNIGHT. 295

That sword, that did (like Fate) determine

Th' inevitable death of vermin,

And never dealt its furious blows,

But cut the throats of pigs and cows, 10

By Tiulla was, in single fight,

Disarm'd and wrested from its Knight ;

Your heels degraded of your spurs,

And in the stocks close prisoners ;

Where still they'd lain, in base restraint, 15

If I, in pity of your complaint.

Had not, on honourable conditions.

Released 'em from the worst of prisons;

And what return that favour met

You cannot (though you would) forget ; 20

When, being I'ree, you strove t' evade

The oaths you had in prison made ;

Forswore yourself, and first deny'd it,

But after own'd and justify'd it ;

And when y' had falsely broke one vow, 25

Absolv'd yourself by breaking two :

For while you sneakingly submit,

And beg for pardon at our feet,

Discourag'd by your guilty fears.

To hope for quarter for your ears, 30

And doubting 'twas in vain to sue.

You claim us boldly as your due ;

Declare that treachery and force.

To deal with us, is th' only course ;

We have no title nor pretence 35

To body, soul, or conscience ;

But ought to fall to that man's share

That claims us for his proper ware.

These are the motives which, t' induce

Or fright us into love, you use ; 40

A prefty new way of gallanting,

Between soliciting and ranting;

Like sturdy beggars, that entreat

For charity at once, and threat I

But since you undertake to prove 45

Your own propriety in love.

As if we were but lawful prize

ia war between two enemies.

296 THE LADY'S ANSWER

Or forfeitures, which ev'ry lover,

That would but sue for, might recover, 50

It is not hard to understand

The myst'ry of this bold demand,

That cannot at our persons aim.

But something capable of claim.

'Tis not those paltry counterfeit 55

French stones, which in our eyes you set.
But our right diamonds, that inspire
And set your am'rous hearts on fire :
Nor can those false St. Martin's beads.
Which on our lips you lay for reds, 60

And make us wear, like Indian dames,
Add fuel to your scorching flames,
But those true rubies of the rock,
Which in our cabinets we lock.
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth, 65

That you are so transported with ;
But those we wear about our necks,
Produce those amorous efl^ects.
Nor is 't those threads of gold, our hair.
The periwigs you make us wear ; 70

But those bright guineas in our chests,
That light the wild-fire in your breasts.
These love-tricks I 've been vers'd in so,
That all their sly intrigues I know,
And can unriddle, by their tones, 75

Their mystic cabals and jargons ;
Can tell what passions, by their sounds.
Pine for the beauties of my grounds ;
What raptures fond and amorous
O' th' charms and graces of my house ; 80

What ecstasy and scorching flame
Burns for my money in my name ;
What from th' unnatural desire
To beasts and cattle takes its fire ;
What tender sigh, and trickhng tear, 85

Longs for a thousand pounds a year ;
And languishing transports are fond
Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond.

These are th' attracts which most men fall
Enaraour'd, at first sight, withal ; 90

TO THE KNIGHT. 297

To these th' address with serenades,

And court with balls and masquerades ;

And yet, for all the yearning pain

Y' have suffered for their loves in vain,

I fear they 'II prove so nice and coy 95

To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy,

That all your oaths and labour lost,

They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post.

This is not meant to disapprove

Your judgment in your choice of love ; 100

Which is so wise the greatest part

Of mankind study 't as an art ;

For love should, like a deodand.

Still fall to th' owner of the land ;

And where there 's substance for its ground, 105

Cannot but be more firm and sound

Than that which has the slightest basis

Of airy virtue, wit, and graces ;

Which is of such thin subtlety.

It steels and creeps in at the eye, 110

And, as it can't endure to stay,

Steals out again as nice a way.

But love, that its extraction owns
From solid gold and precious stones,
Must, like its shining parents, prove 115

As solid, and as glorious love.
Hence 'tis you have no way t' express
Our charms and graces but by these :
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth,
Which beauty invades and conquers with, 120
But rubies, pearls, and diamonds.
With which a philter love commands ?

This is the way all parents prove.
In managing their children's love.
That force 'em t' intermarry and wed, 125

As if th' were burying of the dead ;
Cast earth to earth, as in the grave,
To join in wedlock all they have.
And, when the settlement 's in force.
Take all the rest for better or worse : 130

For money has a power above
The stars and fate to manage love,
02

298 THE LADY'S ANSWER

Whose arrows, learned poets hold,

That never miss, are tipp'd with gold.

And though some say the parents' claims 135

To make love in their children's names,

Who many times at once provide

The nurse, the husband, and the bride,

Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames.

And woo and contract in their names, 140

And, as they christen, use to marry 'em,

And, like their gossips, answer for 'em ;

Is not to give in matrimony.

But sell and prostitute for money ;

'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145

Who often do 't for worse than nothing ;

And when th' are at their own dispose,

With greater disadvantage choose.

All this is right ; but for the course

You take to do 't, by fraud or force, 150

'Tis so ridiculous, as soon

As told, 'tis never to be done.

No more than setters can betray.

That tell what tricks they are to play.

Marriage, at best, is but a vow, 155

Which all men either break or bow :

Then what will those forbear to do.

Who perjure when they do but woo ?

Such as before-hand swear and lie,

For earnest to their treachery, 160

And, rather than a crime confess.

With greater strive to make it less .'

Like thieves, who, after sentence past,

Maintain their innocence to the last ;

And when their crimes were made appear 165

A^ plain as witnesses can swear.

Yet, when the wretches come to die.

Will take upon their death a lie.

133. The' poets feign Cupid to have two sorts of ar ■
rows ; the one tipped with gold, and the other with lead.
The golden always inspire and inflame love in the per-
sons he wounds with them ; but, on the contrary, the
leaden create the utmost aversion and hatred. With
the first of these he shot Apollo, and with the other
Daphne, according to Ovid.

TO THE KNIGHT. 299

Nor are the virtues you confess'd

T' your ghostly father, as you guess'd, 170

So slight as to' be justify'd

By being as shamefully deny'd ;

As if you thought your word would pass

Point-blank, on both sides of a case ;

Or credit were not to be lost 175

B' a brave Knight-Errant of the Post,

That eats perfidiously his word.

And swears his ears through a two-inch board ;

Can own the same thing, and disown,

And perjure booty, pro and con ; 180

Can make the Gospel serve his turn,

And help him out, to be forsworn ;

When 'tis laid hands upon, and kist,

To be betray'd and sold, like Christ.

These are the virtues in whose name 185

A right to all the world you claim.

And boldly challenge a dominion,

In grace and nature, o*er all women ;

Of whom no less will satisfy

Than all the sex your tyranny. 190

Although you '11 find it a hard province,

With all your crafty frauds and covins,

To govern such a num'rous crew.

Who, one by one, now govern you ;

For if you all were Solomons, 195

And wise and great as he was once,

You '11 find they 're able to subdue

(As they did him) and baffle you.

And if you are impos'd upon,
'Tis by your own temptation done, 200

That with your ignorance invite.
And teach us how to use the slight;
For when we find y' are still more taken
With false attracts of our own making.
Swear that 's a rose, and that a stone, 205

Like sots, to us that laid it on.
And what we did but slightly prime,
Most ignorantly daub in rhyme,
You force us, in our own defences,
To copy beams and influences ; 210

300 THE LADY'S ANSWER

To lay perfections on the graces,

And draw attracts upon our faces,

And, in compliance to your wit.

Your own false jewels counterfeit :

For by the practice of lliose arts 21 '>

We gain a greater share of hearts ;

And those deserve in reason most,

That greatest pains and study cost :

For great perfections are, like heaven.

Too rich a present to be given. 220

Nor are these master-strokes of beauty

To be perform'd without hard duty.

Which, when they 're nobly done and well,

The simple natural excel.

How fair and sweet the planted rose 225

Beyond the wild in hedges grows!

For without art the noblest seeds

Of flow'rs degen'rate into weeds.

How dull and rugged, ere 'tis ground

And pohsh'd looks a diamond ! 230

Though Paradise were e'er so fair,

It was not kept sc without care.

The whole world, without art and dress.

Would be but one great wilderness ;

And mankind but a savage herd, 235

For all that nature has conferred :

This does but rough-hew, and design ;

Leaves art to polish and refine.

Though women first were made for men,

Yet men were made for them agen ; 240

For when (outwitted by his wife)

Man first turn'd tenant but for life,

If women had not intervened,

How soon had mankind had an end !

And that it is in being yet, 245

To us alone you are in debt.

And where 's your liberty of choice,

And our unnatural no voice ?

Since all the privilege you boast.

And falsely usurp'd, or vainly lost, 250

Is now our right ; to whose creation

You owe your happy restoration ;

TO THE KNIGHT. 301

And if we had not weighty cause

To not appear, in making laws,

We could, in spite of all your tricks, 255

And shallow, formal politics.

Force you our managements t' obey,

As we to yours (in show) give way.

Hence 'tis that, while you vainly strive

T' advance your high prerogative, 260

You basely, after all your braves.

Submit, and own yourselves our slaves ;

And 'cause we do not make it known,

Nor publicly our int'rest own.

Like sots, suppose we have no shares 265

In ord'ring you and your affairs.

When all your empire and command

You have from us at second hand ;

As if a pilot, that appears

To sit still only while he steers, 270

And does not make a noise and stir,

Like ev'ry common mariner,

Knew nothing of the card, nor star.

And did not guide the man-of-war ;

Nor we, because we don't appear 275

In councils, do not govern there ;

While, like the mighty Prester John,

Whose person none dares look upon,

But is preserv'd in close disguise.

From being made cheap to vulgar eyes, 280

W enjoy as large a pow'r unseen.

To govern him, as he does men ;

And in the right of our Pope Joan,

Make emp'rors at our feet fall down :

Or Joan de Pueel's braver name, 285

Our right to arms and conduct claim ;

377. Prester John,an absolute prince, emperor of Abys-
sinia or Ethiopia. One of them is reported to have had
seventy Icings for his vassals,and so superb and arrogant,
that none durst looli upon him without his permission.

285. Joanof Arc,called also the Pucelle,or Maid of Or-
leans. She was born at the town of Damremi, on the
Meuse, daughter of James de Arc, and Isabella Romee;
and was bred up a shepherdess in the country. Allhe ago
of eighteen or twenty she pretended to an express com-
mission from God to go to the relief of Orleans, then be-
sieged by the English, and defended by John Compte de

302 THE LADY'S ANSWER

Who, though a spinster, yet was able
To serve France for a Grand Constable.

We make and execute all laws.
Can judge the judges and the cause ; 290

Prescribe all rules of right and wrong
To th' long robe, and the longer tongue,
'Gainst which the world has no defence,
But our more pow'rful eloquence.
We manage things of greatest weight 295

In all the world's affairs of state ;
Are ministers of war and peace.
That sway all nations how we please.
We rule all churches and their flocks,
Heretical and orthodox ; 300

And are the heavenly vehicles
O' th' spirits in all conventicles.
By us is all commerce and trade
Improv'd, and manag'd, and decay'd ;
For nothing can go off so well, 305

Nor bears that price, as what we sell.
We rule in ev'ry public meeting.
And make men do what we judge fitting ;
Are magistrates in all great towns.
Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 310
We make the man-of-war strike sail.
And to our braver conduct veil.
And, when h' has chas'd his enemies.
Submit to us upon his knees.

Dennis, and almost reduced to the last extremity. She
went to the coronation of Charles the Seventh, when he
was almost ruined. She Itnew that prince in the midst
of his nobles, though meanly habited. The doctors of
(ii viiiity, and membersof parliament openly declared that
there was something supernatural in her conduct. She
sent for a sword,which lay in the tomb of a knight.which
was behind the great altar of the church of St. Katharine
de Forbois, upon the blade of which the cross and flower-
de-luces were engraven, which put the kin? in a very
preat surprise, in regard none besides himself knew of it.
Upon this he sent her with the command of some troops, '
with which she relieved Orleans, and drove the English
from if, defeated Talbot at the battle of Pattai, and re-
covered Champagne. At last she was unfortunately
taken prisoner in a sally at Champagne in 1430, arid
tried for a witch or sorceress, condemned, and burnt in
Rouen market-place in May, 1430.

TO THE KNIGHT. 303

Is there an officer of state 315

Untimely rais'd, or magistrate,

That 's haughty and imperious?

He 's but a journeyman to us,

That, as he gives us cause to do 't.

Can keep him in, or turn hira out. 320

We are your guardians, that increase

Or waste your fortunes how we please ;

And as you humour us can deal

In all your matters, ill or well.

'Tis we that can dispose, alone, 335

Whether your heirs shall be your own,

To whose integrity you must.

In spite of all your caution, trust ;

And, less you fly beyond the seas,

Can fit you with what heirs we please ; 330

And force you t' own 'em, though begotten

By French valets, or Irish footmen.

Nor can the rigoroursest course

Prevail, unless to make us worse ;

Who still, the harsher we are us'd, 335

Are farther off from b'ing reduc'd,

And scorn t' abate, for any ills.

The least punctilios of our wills.

Force does but whet our wits t' apply

Arts, born with us for remedy ; 340

Which all your politics, as yet.

Have ne'er been able to defeat ;

For when y' have try'd all sorts of ways,

What fools d' we make of you in plays!

While all the favours we afford, 346

Are but to girt you with the sword.

To fight our battles in our steads.

And have 3'our brains beat out o' your heads ;

Encounter, in despite of nature.

And fight at once with fire and water, 350

With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas,

Our pride and vanity t' appease ;

Kill one another, and cut throats,

For our good graces, and best thoughts ;

To do your exercise for honour, 355

And have your brains beat out the sooner;

304 THE LADY'S ANSWER, &c.

Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon

Things that are never to be known ;

And still appear the more industrious,

The more your projects are prepost'rous ; 360

To square the circle of the arts,

And run stark rnad to shew your parts ;

Expound the oracle of laws,

And turn them which way we see cause ;

Be oar solicitors and ajfents, 365

And stand for us in all engagements.

And these are all the mighty pow'rs
You vainly boast to cry down ours,
And what in real value's wanting,
Supply with vapouring and ranting ; 370

Because yourselves are terrify'd,
And stoop to one another's pride,
Believe we have as little wit
To be out-hector'd, and submit :
By your example, lose that right 375

In treaties which wo gain'd in fight ;
And, terrify'd into an awe,
Pass on ourselves a Salique law ;
Or, as some nations use, give place,
And truckle to your mighty race ; 380

Let men usurp th' unjust dominion,
As if they were the better women.

378. Tlie Sa'iique law is a law in France, whereby it
is enacted that no female shall inherit that crown.

INDEX.

Page Line

^RA of the poem 1. 1 to 15

AffidaTit-men, their practice 283 725

Their plying--places 28'1 760

Anaxagoras, astronomical tenets of hia . . . 165 737

Astronomical teneu of others, as solid . . .169 865

Art, its advantages over nature . . . . 300 233

Author, hia invocation ...... 27 645

Integrity 36 35

Authors of rhyme, their reason for couplets , ,102 27
Authors of romances censured, p. 35. 1. 11. p. 101. 1. IS. p. 125

BAGPIPES compared . . . ' . . . 139 621

Bear-baiting, the adventure of .... 28 677

Its antiquity and derivation ib. 681

Proclamation on the solemnity . . . . ib. 689

Blows the method of malting free by the Romans , 107 235

Ofrestoring to grace, &c. by Piestor John . ib. 239

Best trial of valour in soldiers . . . , ib. 249

Bruin (the bear) , 42 249

His genealogy . ib. 265

Diet , ib. 271

Travels 43 281

Resentment on receiving Hudibras's fall . . 58 877

Conduct in distress , 67 37

Relieved by Trulla and Cerdoa .... 68 97

Compared to Achilles ...... 69 139

CERDON (the cobbler) 47 40a

His paring-kuife . . . . . . . ib. 417

Descent ib. 421

Polemic qualities, &c ib. 429

Assists in the bear's relief ..... 68 97

Reply to TruUa's speech on that occasion . . 69 119
His answer to Orsin's speech on the distress of his

bear 72 271

Presses to the relief of Magnano .... 80 562

Disarms Hudibras 82 666

Assists in Trulla's Triumph 90 967

Cheating and being cheated, the pleasure of it . 146 1

Instances of the latter ib. 7 to 37

Chyraistry, a certain experiment of it . . . lU 425

Colon (the liosller) 47 441

Compared to Hercules ...... 48 458

Engages Ralpho 57 825

Attacks Hudibras 79 519

Assists in TruUa's Triumph 90 968

Commanders, a peculiar of theirs .... 62 1043

Commonwealth resty to the rider . . . . 87 926

Mythologically compared to a rump . . .263 1598
""onjurers, their various ways of practice p. 162 1. 599 to 640

Court of Conscience ought to assist itself . . 131 299

Cowards, none that venture a second beating , 106 229

Only entitled to horns and petticoats , . .142 723

Crowdero (the fiddler) SB 103

His misfortune in a prize of his profession , . 39 133

Resolution and fate m the first action . . . 59 911

Led in triumpli by Hudibras 64 1124

Put in the stocks, 65 1168

Released by Magnano 90 995

Crows, birds of evil omen 165 707

306 INDEX.

Page Line

Cucking-stool, the cavalcade of it compared to an

ovation 142 731

DISPDTANTS compared and ex-posed . . . 124 1

Disputes, how resolved at last 136 481

Divinity, niceties therein exposed . . , . 13 K3
Diurnals (news-papers) an expedient to lessen the

price of whetstones 102 57

Druids borrow money to be repaid in the next world 172 835

EARS the poles on which heads turn . . .243 815

Injustice of cropping them for perjury . .286 4S

Echo described 71 18ii

Epistle from Hudibras to Sidrophel, from p. 178 to 181
From Hudibras to his Lady from p. 285 to 294

Subscription, date, seal, and direction ... 294 341
Her answer .... from p. 294 to 304

Evening described 123 903

Excommunication a distress on soul and body . 221 1521

FAME described 102 45

Good and evil fame distinguished .... 103 69

Fear, the effects of it . p. 266 1. 11. p. 267. 1. 65. 270 171

Too much and too little, equal .... 266 27

Fools found like woodcocks 180 80

Their stubbornness compared . . . . 235 4S1

Fortune of war 66 1

Her old wont 78 515

A case out of her reach 87 877

GRACE and virtue loo near akin to be coupled , 214 1293
HALTER, rise from thence the highest . • . 255 1307

Hanging, a description of it 248 995

Goes with matrimony by destiny , . . . 282 685

No chance in it ib. 687

Heralds, their power in pedigree . . . , 164 669

Heroes, their trade 44 321

Their reverse ib. 320

Heroines, a digression against them ... 45 379

Honour, how attained 84 913

Different effects of sword and cudgel on it . . 57 809

A definition of it 91 1043

Hurt past cure , 106 215

Basting no blemish .... . . ib. 217

Flies if cracked 134 385

Lord's oaths , ib. 889

Commoner's huffs . ib. 391

Compared ib. 393

Where lodged 174 1067

HUDIBRAS (Sirs L , p. 34. 1. 904.)— His politic cha-
racter, p. 7. 1. 15.— Languages, p. 8 1. 51.— Logic, p. 9. 1. 65.—
Rhetoric, ib. 1. 81.— Oratory, p. 10. 1. 91.— Matnematics, p. 11.
1. 119.— Pnilosophy and metaphysics, ib. 1. 127.— School-learn-
ing, p. 12. 1. 151.— Religion, p. 14. 1. 189.— His personal cha-
racter—His beard, p. 16. 1.241.— Back, p. 17. 1. 287:— Belly, ib.
1. 296.- His equipage— His doublet, p. 18. 1. 305.— Breeches, ib.
1.309.— Sword, p. 19. 1. 851.— Scabbard, ib. 1, 363.— Dagger, ib.
1. 375.- Pistols, p. 20. 1. 391.— His activity in mounting, ib. 1.
405.— Kis horse described, p. 21.1. 423. p. 35. 1. 921.— His
Squire, p. 21 1. 457. (See Ralpho.)— Is compared with Raipho,

§. 2G. 1. 625.— Adventure of the bear-baiting, p. 28. 1. 677.—
peech thereon to Ralpho, p. 29. 1. 714.— The conversation
continued and applied to synods, to I. 916.- Conduct before
the first action, p. 37. 1. 71.— His speech to the enemy, p. 49. 1.
494.— Charge and demand of the fiddler, p. 53. 1.661.— Reply
to Talgol's answer, p. 55. I. 741.— Attacks him, p. 56. 1. 775.—
Leads Crowdero in triumph, p. 64. 1. 1123.— Puts him in the
stocks, p. 65. I. 1165.— Pangs lor his mistress, p. 73. 1. 309.—

INDEX. 307

Her qualities, p. 74. I. 321.— Resolution lo re-attack her, p. 75.
J. 371. "Soliloquy thereon, ib.l. 381.— Speech to Ralpho before
the second action, p. 77. 1. 453.— Invokes his mistress, p. 7S. i.
477.— Conduct in disposing the battle, ib. 1. 481.— In advauc-

'Jig, ib. 1. 5jI.— Fatality in gettjug: and losing' advantage

.. 529.— Desnouding answerto Ralpho, p. SO. 1. 5S5.— Re-ai-

tempt, p. 82. 1. C55.— Welcome to a supposed victory, p. S3. I.

Speech to Ralpho thereon, ib. 1. 724.— Reply to Ralpho':
answer, p. 84. 1. 737.— Is defeated by Trulla, p. 85. 1.780.— An-
swer to her harangue thereon, ib. !. 795.— Ill luck and defeat
in a second trial with her, p. 86. 1. 835.— Answer to her insult-
ing him, p. 87. 1. 869.— To her reply, p. 88. 1. 897.— Surrenders
prisoner to her, ib. I. 91.5.— Led in triumph, p. 89. 1. 961.— Put
in the stocks, p. 90. I. lOOU— Coiisoles'himself, p. 91. 1. 10091—
Answer to Ralpho's reply thereto, p. 92. I. 1073.— The conver-
sation continued on presbytry, synods, presbyters, lay-el-
ders, &C. to 1. 1382.— Behaviour on receiving his mistress's
visit there, p. 103. 1. 101.— Address to her, p. 104.1. 141. --An-
swer to his mistress's reply, p. 105. 1. 161.— The conversation
continued on the fortune of war, pain, honour, valour, love,
and whippine, to 1. 895.— Swears to whip himself as enjoined
by her, p. 123. I. 896.— Advises and debates with. Ralpho how
to avoia both v^hipping and oath, p. 126. 1. 55 to 540.— Has
judgment to be whipped by proxy, p. 135. 1. 437.— Makes
Ralpho his proxy, p. 133. 1. 441.—Debate of it on refusal con-
tinued, to 1. 560.— Adveniuie of the riding, p. 138. I. 565.—
Compared to a Roman triumph, p. 140. 1. 665.— Reply to
Ralpho's dissent, p. 142. 1. 713.— Advances to aUack the lead-
er, p. U3. 1. 75:3.— Is attacked himself, p. 144. 1.S15.— Flies the
field, p. 145. 1. 835.— His consolatory discourse on the occa-
sion, ib. 1. 849.- Resolution to swear he has penance perform-
ed, p. 146. I. 885.— Expostulation thereon, p. 148. 1. 59.--I3 ad
vised by Ralpho to consult Sidrophel. the cunning man, in
the matter, p. 149. 1. 105.— duestions the lawfulness of it, ib.
1. 125.— Owns his conviction, p. 151. 1, 189.— Resolves to con-
sult him, ib. I. 181.- Compliments Sidrophel, p. 160. 1. 543.—
Reply to Sidrophel's artful return, ib. !. 553.— Reply to his
telling him the occasion of his coming, p. 161. 1. 563.— Op-
poses astroloey, its professors, practices, &c. from ib. 1. 565.
to p. 172. 1. 976.— Falls out with Sidrophel, and despatches
Ralpho for a constable, p. 173. 1. 1015.— Disarms and defeats
him, and wounds Whachum, p. 174. 1. 1057.— Speech to the
vanquished, ib. 1. 1071.— Plunders Sidrophel, p. 175. 1. 10S5. —
The booty, ib. I. 1088.— Resolv es to march off, and lurch
Ralpho, p, 176. I. 1149.- Speed and activity in the execution,
p, 173. 1. 1133.— Epistle to Sidrophel, p. 178.— Experience in
love affairs, p. 182. 1, 31. —Relapse and resolution to attack his
mistress, ib. 1. 37.— Arrives at her house, p. 185.1. 150.— Ad-
dress to her. ib. I. 163.— Dialogue between him and her, on
assuring her of the performance of oath, &c. continued to 1.
536.— Claims her promise of marriage, p. 195. 1. 539.— The
managements and comforts of it debated, from p. 195. 1. 545.
10 p. 205. I. 936.— Is frightened, and brought to confession,
p. 208. 1. 1033. to p. 214. 1. 1310.— Upbraided with his past con-
duct, &c. p. 215. 1. 1339.— Dialogues it with Ralpho as a spirit
on the same subject, from p. 2r6. 1. 1400. to p. 220. 1. 1556.- Is
carried off by him, p. 225. 1. 1S71.— Speed in escaping, ih. 1:
1599. — Dialogue between him and Ralpho on the discovery of
each other, p. 268. 1. 103.— Answer to Ralpho's advice, p. 278.
L 517.— Resolves to sue her promise, p. 279. 1. 5b^.— Chaiacter,
A;c. of h w lawyer, ib. I. 577.- Address to him, p. 281. 1. 621.—
Hk case, with responses, p. 281. 1.633.— The lawyer's opiniou,
p. 2S2. 1. 675.— Debated with his advice, p. 2S4. 1. 773.— Epistle

308 INDEX.

to the lady, p. 285 —Subscription, date, seal, and direction,
p. 2S4. I 341 to 350.

Page Line

Hypocrisy described . 212 1221

The effects of it 213 1259

A church improvement 259 1459

IDUS and Calendae, quarter days . . , .110 917

Jealousy the clap ot tne mind 199 701

Imposters when past their labour . . . .181 121

Impudence a claim to every thing , . . .180 109
Independent, difference between him and presby-

terian 223 45

Post in reformations and qualifications , .225 111

Independency described 288 603

Intelligible world described 152 225

Inward light, its advantages over astrology , . 25 573

A mark of those that have it 19S 481

Inward and outward man, their opposition to each

other 126 77

Juries, their skill in palmistry . . . : .177 11B7

Justice, a defect ot it 65 1172

A New England instance ot justice . . .134 409

KlCKo'th'a not painful 106 209

Artists in distinguishing tiie materials of kicking

and cudgelling 106 221

Pyrrhus, his use of kicking 107 237

Hurtful to honour 174 1069

Knights-errant and their horses' privileges, and ad-
dress in encounters 273 817

Knight-errantry, an error therein exploded . . 18 827

LAWYERS no disputants on their profession . 276 439

Exempt from interlopers 277 493

Women's tongues only exceed theirs . . ,802 291
Lawyer— Hudibras's lawyer, his character, quali-
fications, and practice . . . . . 279 577
Lay-elders, their character ..... 96 1221
Learning opposed to gifts and light, what . . 99 1339

Loj'ality, its character 277 173

Fate of its confessors 255 1301

Love, a sure shaft of it 73 809

More restless than bangs or fleas . . . , 76 401

Secresy in love dilated on Ill 415

Characterised ib. 417

Us readiest remedies 117 645

Rosemary, its use in love 122 847

Whipping, advantages and examples of it . . ib. 845

Love, a Pythagorean 197 647

Hot and cold fits of it 198 653

The prevailing way, the justest in it . . .287 85

Its empire ana prerogative ib ,89

Love, interest of state in heaven . . . .268 107

Offences pardonable here , . . • « ib. 119

Ought not to be punished by human laws . . ib. 125

Land its firmest basis 297 104

Why charms expressed by gold and jewels . . ib. 113

The power of money in it ib. 131

Love passions compared and explained . , 112 441
Wealth the top motive, p. 112. 1. 453. p. 113. 1. 475.

p. 296. 1.55.

Hanging or drowning the surest proof . . . 113 4S1

A passionate poetical address . . . ,115 561

Ridiculed 116 591

Lie greedily swallowed 243 907

INDEX. 309

Page Line

Lyiner, the fate of the faculty 180 105

UAGNANO (the tinker) 44 331

His habit ih. 836

Skill in the black art ib. 3-43

Performances 45 853

Arms , ib. 861

Armour ib. 363

See Trulla.

Hiepolicy to relieve Talg-ol and Colon . . . 57 836

Haberg-eon wounded 79 537

Assists in Trulla's Triumph 90 967

Releases Crowdero from the stocks . . . ib. 987

Harriages not made in hpaven 195 645

No improvements of love ib. 551

A beast that tires ib. 569

Bargain at a venture 196 573

A vow broken or bent 297 155

Ring in matrimony useless 230 304

Goes with matrimony by destiny . . . 282 (!85

No chance in it ... . . . . ib. 687

Merit to a half lover after it 292 263

Men, their natural right over womankind . . ib. 274

Advantages on the woman's side .... 802 839

Money, last reason of all things .... 256 1329

Use in casting knaves ib. 1339

Power in love . . : 297 131

Moon, the new discoveries in it 165 727

Advantages thereby in trade, politics, science, re-
ligion, &c. questionable 166 749

Setting, &c. described 214 1321

NEW LIGHT described 23 501

Derived 166 773

OATHS, how obliging 129 197

Criminal in the maker . . . . • . 131 271

Oaths, of no force till broken . . . . ib. 277

Broken by the imposter , 133 877

Doubtful security 186 205

The truest, toughest 287 79

Obedience, the less the better 238 610

Oliver, his death and apotheosis . . . . 228 215
Orsin (the bearward,) p. 39. 1. 147.— His descent, p. 41. 1. 219.
—Skill in medicine, ib. 1. 223.— Famed for pitched fight,
why, p. 70. 1. 171.— Grief for his bear's distress, ib. 1. 176.
—Soliloquy thereon, p. 71. 1. 199.— Harangues his party, p.
72. 1.248— Attacks Ralpho, p. 78. 1.491.— Re-attacks him, p.
81. 1. 626.— Rescues Cerdon, but unfortunately, p. 82. 1.
674.— Assists in Trulla's triumph, p. 89. 1. 965.

Owi in Rome, the occasion of a lustration . . 165 709

PAIN, stoically described 105 183

Paper-kite, and lantern described . . . .157 ,415

Philosophical consolations . . , . . .90 1013

Presbyterian, the true church militant ... 14 191

Presbyter described 94 1161

Difference between him and independents . . 233 45

Power of the keys 244 857

Presbytery defined 99 1201

Providence directed, prescribed, and proposed to 51 590

Public faith, plate and preaching misapplied . . 50 558

aUAKERS, their gospel 130 219

Compared , ib. 229

RALPHO, his name, p. 21. 1. 457.— Parts, p. 22. 1. 465.— Birth,
ib. 1. 466.— His pedigree, p. 22. 1. 467.— Gifts, ib. 1. 479.—
Learning, p. 23. 1. 529 —Compared with Hudibras, p. 26. 1 .

310 INDEX.

624 .-Reply to his speech on hear-baiting, p. SI I. 802.— The
conTereaiion continued and applied to synods, to p. 34. 1.
916.— Engages Colon, p. 57. 1. 826.— RelieTes Hudibras from
Crowdero, p. 60. 1. 931.— Defeats Crowdero, ib. 1. 950.—
Speech to the vanquished, ib, 1. 955.— To Hndibras thereon,
p. 61. 1. 9S3.— More, p. 62. 1. 1033.— Bears Crowdero's fiddle
and case in triumph, p. 04. I. 1120.— His engagement with
Cerdon, p. 79. 1. 551.— Presses to the relief of Huoibras, p. 80.
1. 561.— Encourages him, ib. 1. 565.— Recovers his lost arms,
p. 81. 1. 611.— Misfortune in-reniountinj, ib. I. 919.— Answer
to Hudibras's liarangue on his suppose'd victory p. 84. 1. 745,
—Led in Triumph T)y TruUa, p. 89. 1. 961.— Put in the
stocks, p. 90. I. 1001.— Reply to Hudibras's consolatory
speech, p. 92. 1. 1057.— The conversation continued on pres-
bytery, synods, presbyters, lay -elders, &€. to p. 100. 1. 1882.
—Opinion on Hudibras's oath made to his mistress, debat-
ed, from p. 127. I. 85. to p. 137. 1. 541.— Judges him

whipped by proxy, p. 135. 1.437.- Ismadeproxyhimself, ib.
p. 441.— The debate of it on refusal, contmued to p. 138. 1.
5G0.— Adventure of the riding, ib. 1. 565.— Dissents from

Hudibras's opinion of it, p. 141. I. 695.— Advances to attack
the leader, p. 143. I. 753.- Is attacked himself, p. 144. 1.821.
—Flies the field, ib. 1. 833.— Advises Hudibras to consult
Sidrophel (the cunning man,) p. 149. 1. 105.— Convinces him
of its lawfulness, p. 149. 1. 1-29. to p. 151. 1. 188.— Sent for a
constable to apprehend Sidrophel, p. 173. 1. 1015.— Resolves
instead of it to discover his prevarication to his mistress, p-.
184. 1. .IS.- Goes to her house and effects it, p. 185. 1. 145.—
Dialogue with Iiim (asasuirit) on his past conduct, &c
from p. 216. 1. MOO. to p. 220. 1. 1550.— Carries him ofr,p.22I.
li 1571.— Dialogue between him and Hudibras on his disco-
very of each other, p. 268. 1. 107.— Advises him to sue her
promise, p. 275. I. 395.

X Page Line

Ravens, birds of evil omen 165 707

Retreat, the advantages of it 82 607

Riding, the adventure of it 113 565

Compared to a Roman triumph . . . .135 591
Historical mistake of the latter rectified . . ib. 595
Pomp and cavalcade of a riding described . . ib. 605

Rings useless in matrimony 230 804

Rump, ib. 1. 271.— Sir A. A. C an independent, or latitudina-

rian member, his character, p. 232. 1.351. a presby-

terian member, his character, p. 233. 1. 491.— The latter's
speech, p. 235. 1. 4a=).— The former's, by way of answer, p.
248 1. 999.— Contain the disputes between both parties, their
hypocrisy, practices, politics, &c. from p 235. 1. 495. to p.
260. 1. 1496.— Bump burnt in effigy, p. 260. 1. 1505.— Mytho-
locry of it, p. 262. I. 1,577.
Running, the advantage and conduct of it . . 271 24S

At least lalf the victory 272 269

Gets the whole ib. 289

SAINTS, their properly, p. 62. 1. lOIO.— May swear and for-
swear occasionally, p. 127. 1. 103.- Examples of it, p. 128. I.
141.— Exempted from the obligation of oaths by privilege,
p. 129. 1. 201.— Their privilege universal, p. 149. I. 130.— No
sin in them to cheat the devil, ib, 1. 135.— Are his betters
every way, p. 218. !. 1471.
Salvation mechanically obtained . . . .219 1498

Self not meant in self-denial 135 459

Spheres, their music not heard, why . . .116 61.7
Sieve and shears turn as certain , . . . 161 569
Stars, astrological queries and answers concerning them,, p.

INDEX. 311

Page Line
M7. I. 817.— How ill used in calculations, p. 171. 1. 929.—
Abused in love affairs, p. 181. 1. 13.
State sinners, prognosucators of changes . , 233 411
Sectaries, their birtli and parentage, p. 2:22. 1. 7,— Their natu-
tural constitution, p. 223. 1.21.— Tlieir politics, ib. 1. 31.—
Tlieir rule of faith, p. 259. 1. IU5.

Souls doubtful securiiy 186 20J

Prisoners on parole 187 21S

Stocks described 84 1132

Swords and teeth compared 42 261

Sympathy of spurring 78 485

Synipatlu:tiC noses 17 281

Sidrophel, p. 149. I. 105,— His qualifications, ib. 1. 107.—
Studies, p. 152. 1.205.— Advances therein, ib. 1.209.— Boast
ed knowledge, ib. 1. 223.— Farnilianty with the moon, p.
15.3. 1. 239.— With the empire, &c. of the spheres, ib. 1. 253.
—A remarkable insirumeut uf his invention, it). 1. 261.—
Another, p. 151. 1. 277.— Sk:ll in occult sciences, ib, 1.281.—
In nature, lb. 1. 305.— His Zany, p. 155. 1. 325.— See Wha-
chum.— His observatory, p. 157. 1. 403.— Skill in observa-
tion, ib. 1. 413.— On the phenomenon o£ a p^iper-kite and
lantern, ib. 1.425.— His instructions lo Whachum on Hudi-
bras's coming to him, p. 156. 1. 4oii— Juggle with on his er-
rand, p. 100. 1. 519.— Artful return 10 Hiidibras's conipli
meui, ib. 1. 549.- 'f ells him the occnsion of Ins cominff, p.
161. 1. 557.— Defends astrology, iis prof^^ssors, practices, &c.
from p. 161. 1. 575. to p. 172. 1. 008.- Arms,and attacks him,
p. 174. 1. 1041.- Isdisarmed, defeated, and plundered, ib. 1.
1057.— I'olicy in escaping, p. nj. 1. 1 107.
Synods, compared to bear-gardens ... 93 1095

To the inquisition S4 1149

A commonwealth of popery 56 1203

Synod-men, their charaCieristic .... 93 1309

TALGOL (the butcher,) p. 43. 1. 299.— His repjy to Hudibras

on the bear-baititig, p. 54. 1. 684.— Defence of his allaek, p.

56. 1. 786.— Dismounts him, p. 58. 1. 861.- Is wounded, p. 79.

1. 535.— Assists in Trulla's triumph, p. 89. 1. 966.

Taliacotius's sympathetic noses . . . . 17 281

Teeth and swords compared 42 261

Trance described 210 1127

Trimming approved .,,.... 255 1291
Trulla (ihe tinker's wench,) p. 45. 1. 365.— Her resolution, ib,
1. 369.- Assists iu the bear's relief, p. 68. 1. 97.- Her light-
ness, ib. 1. 101 —Speech to Cerdon on the relief of the bear,
ib. 1. 110.— Homantic care of him, p. 70. I. 155.— Defeat*
Hudibras. p. 85. 1. 783.— Harangue to him thereon ib. 1. 785.
—Reply to his answer, p. 86. 1. 814.— Re-attacks and defeats
him, ib, 1. 823.— Insults him. p. 87. 1. 855.— Reply to his an-
swer, ib. 1. 885.— Answer to his reply, p. 88. 1. 905.— Gives
him her mantle (a modern example applied,) ib. 1. 919.—
Protects him from the fury of the rest, p. 89. 1. 929.— Re-
solves to exchange him for Crowdero, p. 88. 1. 913. p. 89. 1.
950.— Her resolution approved of, ib. 1. 953.— Triumphs over
him and Ralpho p. 90. 1. 969.— Tiie manner of it. ib. 1. 975,
—Puts both in the stocks, ib. 1. looo.
Trusts broken, not so desperate in trial as a neck 114 509
VALOUR, active and passive distinguished . . 91 1029
Rest trial of valour in soldiers . . . .107 249
The effects of too much, or too little . . .208 1065-
Virtue and grace too near akin to be coupled . . 218 129S.

WAGERS, fools' arguments 108 29a

Wedlock without love compared . . , .109 32,
Properly compared 116 64o.

312 INDEX.

See Marrias-es,

Whacliunm, Sidropliel's Zany, or journeyman, his qualifica
tions, p. 155. 1. 323.— Employment in the conjuring trade.

ib. I. 335 Skill in poetry, ib. 358.— Encomium ou it, p. 156

1. 381.— Receives Hudbiras and pumps Ralplio, p 159 1.
494.— Jng-ffles with Sidrophel on Hudibras's errand, p. 160.
I. 5*2.- Assists Sidrophel to attack him, p. 174. f, 1055.—
Throws down his arms, and is wounded, ib. 1. IOCS.

Whippin?, its praises, p. 1-21. 1. 811. to 816. — Use, &c, in love,
p. I.H. 1. 815.— Examples of it, p. 123. 1. 8*5.

V\*hinu;ng--post described, p. 65. 1. 1150.— The honour and
legfs of its tenants, p. 121. 1. 797 to 824.
dow, (Hudibras's mistress,) her qualities, p. 74. 1. 321.—
Behaviour on the news of his being in the stocks, p. 103. 1.
81,— Expostulation on the sight of him there, p, 104, 1, 123,
-Answer to his first address to her, p. 105. 1. 153.— The con-
versation continued on the fortune of war, pain, honour
valour, love, and whipping, to p. 123. 1. 895.— Answer to his
address to her on assurance of having performed his oath,
p. 186. 1. 187.— The dialogue thereon continued, to p. 208. 1.
1053.- Answer to his claiming her promise of marriage, p.
195. 1. 545.— The management and comforts of it debated, to
p. 205. 1. 936.— Concluded bv her with its true motives, ib. 1.
937.— Answer to his epistle, p. 294.

Women, their zeal, &c. celebrated, p. 143. 1. 775.— Passion
for precedence, p. 186. 1. 169.— Arts in amour, p. 289. 1. 173.
—Power over mankind, p. 290. 1. 191.— Out of complaisance
to them ib. 1. 199.— Men as much made for them, as they

V^l

1, 253.— In church affairs, p. 302. 1. 299.— In trade, ib. 1. 303.
—In magistracy, ib. 1. 307.— In war, ib. 1. 311.— In promo-
lions, p. 303. 1. 315.— In estates, ib. 1. 321,— In heirs to them,
ib. I. 3'25.— Worse for ill usage, ib. 1. 333.— Men their fools in
the play, ib. 1. 343.

Hudibras. Butler 1843

Received: The book was
bound in full brown sheep-
skin, plain ends, and
rolled purple and whitfe
cloth endbands. The spcne
was missing, the back board
was loose and the front
board detatched.

Froceedure: The text block
was reinforced with stab
joint endsheets. Adhesive
used at the spine was a
50/50 mix of Jade 403 and
methyl cellulose.

O.P.C. 1983

^^ihnf