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^"^lYoRKS Just IPublished.

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THE GORDIAN KNOT.

By SHIRLEY BROOKS.

II.

ESSAYS ON MEN AND MANNERS.

By W. SHEXSTOXE.

III.

DR. JACOB.

By M. BETHAM EDWARDS.

IV.

HAPPY THOUGHTS.
By F. C. BURNAND.

THE TALLANTS OF BARTON.

By JOSEPH HATTOX.

VI.

ASPEN COURT.
By SHIRLEY BROOKS.

VII.

OUT OF TOWN.
By F. C. BURXAXD.

VIII.

THE TIN TRUMPET.
By HORACE SMITH.

IX.

MADEMOISELLE MATHILDE.
By HEXRY KIXGSLEY.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
By F. C. BURXAXD.

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N^- X.

Happy Thoughts

F. C. BURNAND.

Happy Thoughts

&c., &c.

[^ "O iV; F. C. BURNAND,

SECOXD EDITION.

LONDON : ^

BRADBURY, EVANS, & CO., lo, BOUVERIE ST.
1871.

LONDON
BEADBl-RV, EVANS, AND CO., PRiNTEKS, WHITEFRIARS.

^rtfotorn gcbiratioii

HAPPY THOUGHT— To Dedicate this
SECOND SERIES

My Uxcle,

GEORGE BISHOP, Esq.,

Meadowbaxk, Twickenham,

WHOSE WELL-KNOWN

OBSERVATORY

Mr. Bisiior's Observatory, where Mr. Hind
Dates from,]

THE

EARLIEST HAPPY THOUGHTS

JOTTED DOWN,

AKD

THE GREATER PART

OF THE

FIRST SERIES

WRITTEN ;

Whicli reminds me that not a line

OF THIS
WAS

WRITTEN IN THE

SAME PLACE.

Ramsgate,

JFcast of St. l^anca^fs,
1871.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

PAGE

LITERARY BUSINESS — OF FRIDOLINE MARRIED— A HOLIDAY
— BABY AND RASH— WILLIS — HIS FRIEND — WIGTHORPE —
A SUGGESTION I

CHAPTER n,

CATCHING A HANSOM — THE FRENCH RESTAURANT'S — THE

VISITORS — SETTLEMENT — THE LATCH-KEY ... 7

CHAPTER HI.

WHERE TO GO— THE CLUB— BOODELS' LETTER— INDECISION
— MILBURD — COUNT DE BOOTJACK — NOTE ON BABY —
CONVERSATION ON FARMING — LORD DUNGENESS —
IRISH PROPRIETOR I4

CHAPTER IV.

CLUB CONVERSATION CONTINUED— A FLAT JOKE— MY FARM-
ING—AN INVITATION— ANOTHER— PARTY BREAKS UP —
PROPOSALS FOR ** LARKS " — IN THE DARK — SNORING —
SOMEBODY IN BED— AWKWARD— SLEEPER AWAKENED . 23

CHAPTER V.

SITUATION CONTINUED— DROWSY STRANGER — A DIFFICULTY
— AN ARGUMENT— GRAINGER — SELFISHNESS— DETERMI-
NATION—HOTEL— NUMBER THREE HUNDRED, &C. . 3 1

X CONTENTS.

CHAPTER VI.

PAGE

THE DREAM — HOTEL BELLS — LETTERS — NOTES — HEROES —
HOTEL PROVERB — TUPPER AND SOLOMON— ACADEMY —
SUGGESTIONS — PLANS 4 1

CHAPTER Vn.

AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY — THE CATALOGUE — CRUSH — WORK-
ING OUT A PLAN— "NO. 214" — MISS MILLAR— A COM-
PLIMENT— POETRY — RELATIONS-IN-LAW — A SURPRISE —
DISCOMFITURE 4S

CHAPTER Vni.

DILBURY, A.R.A. — HIS PICTURE — MEETINGS — GREETINGS —

LAMPADEPHORIA — " WT: MET " — AN INTRODUCTION . 54.

CHAPTER LX.

AVILLIS'S AGAIN — POPGOOD AND GROOLLY — EPISTOLARY —
CALCULATION — A SNEEZE — MINUS A BUTTON — IN-
EQUALITY—EOODELS 60

CHAPTER X.

RAWLINSON — IMPORTANT QUESTION — UNINTERESTED
FRIEND— REVISION OF MS. —TO THE PUBLISHERS— COS-
TU>rE— QUERY SPECTACLES— THE OFFICE— POPGOOD AND
GROOLLY INTERVIEWED 66

CHAPTER XI.

AT POPGOOD AND GROOLLY's — INTRODUCTIONS — TAKING
LEAVE— A BANTLING QUERY — A LATE CHAT — LETTER
FROM ASPHODEL COTTAGE — ADVANTAGES OF COUNTRY
— HAIR OIL— A SLIGHT MISTAKE 78

CONTENTS. XI

CHAPTER XII.

PAGE

EXPECTANT — ARRANGEMENTS — DISRAELl's CURIOSITIES — MR.
buckle's PORTMANTEAU — notes OF STORIES — COM-
MENCEMENTS— ALPHAS AND OMEGAS— MEMORY — CAZELL
ACCEPTS — THAT FELLOW JAMES— WRINKLES AND WINKS 86

CHAPTER XIII.

CAZELL— SHERIDAN MANUFACTURED — CHANGE OF NAME —
JOKES —THE BELL — DOGS — BURGLARS — WHIFFS — IDEA
FOR CAZELL— ADAMS— DR. BALSAM— DOG AND FOWL . 94

CHAPTER XIV.

OUR INSPECTOR — DEFIANCE — THE INSPECTOR'S STORY — IN-
TERVIEWING THE PIGS— CAZELL MY FRIEND— INSPEC-
TOR'S FRIEND— DIFFERENCES — MAKING A JOB OF IT . IO4

CHAPTER XV.

PROPOSALS FOR VOYAGING— COMPANIONS— EXPENSE— LETTER

FROM PUBLISHERS— PILZEN— RHEUMATICS AND MILBURD 112

CHAPTER XVI.

MY RELATIONS — MUSSELS— MY AUNT — MY UNCLE — POLITE-
NESS—VAMPIRES—FEE FOR DOCTOR . . . . H?

CHAPTER XVII.

DR. PILZEN's — WAITING— MYSTERY — MY EYE— FEE SIMPLE
— THE PAS — HOMOEOPATHY — ALLOPATHY — HOLE IN
POCKET — THE CONJURING TRICK — MANUAL — INVITA-
TION 123

xii CONTEXTS,

CHAPTER XVIII.

FACE

THE DINNER PARTY— GUESTS —MESMERISM— ELDERLY A.ND
HEARTY STR.\NGER— A PUZZLE— A MISTAKE— NOTE ON
SMILING— CAPTAIN DYNGWELL — DRAWINGS OUT — FIRST
COURSE 129

CHAPTER XIX.

ON DINNER COMPANY — START OF CONVERSATION — CAPTAIN
DYNGWELL — THE MOZAMBIQUE — IGNORANCE— ANCIENT
MARINER — ABSTRACT RIGHT— TWO THINGS AT ONCE —
DINNER ARGUMENT 1 36

CHAPTER XX.

VOYAGING— THE BARON OSY— ADMIRAL— FOREBODINGS— AD-
VICES— DIFFICULTIES— admiral's BREVITY— GETTING
OUT INTO THE OPEN— MORE FOREBODINGS— TITTUPING I45

CHAPTER XXI.

STILL NAUTICAL— NAUTICAL NOT STILL— BORN A SAILOR—
AT SEA — TURNS— UNCERTAINTY — HOME THOUGHTS —
LURCHES— CONUNDRUM— OTHER THOUGHTS— PUNS — LE
MOMENT — FEARFUL STRUGGLES— PROSPECTS OF PEACE. I52

CHAPTER XXII.

IMPROVEMENT— STILL ON BOARD — CAZELL— THE PILOT —
MORNING— WASH AND BRUSH UP— PLAN— ANTWERP
— ARCHITECTURE — A CICERONE — THE LIGHTS — CHIL-
VERN'S CHANGE— HIS COSTUME— QUITE THE TOURIST . 1 59

CONTEXTS. x-iii

CHAPTER XXIII.

FAGS
ANTWERP— CHILVERN's FUN — SNOBBISM — EATING— DRINK-
ING—THE CRESSBS— CHILVERA' LE FOLISSOX— THE CARTE
— THE LANGUAGE— ri¥£ DEJEUNER PROGRESSES — SALAD
— MOXEY 167

CHAPTER XXIV.

LES RUES D'ANVERS — THE STATUES— LIGHTS — BOYS — CON-
SIDERATIONS— L'EGLISE DE ST. JACQUES — A REFUGE-
ROUT— MURRAY— THE MONK — THE MUSEUM— CHILVERN
COMES OUT— STRONGLY 174

CHAPTER XXV.

ACCOUNTS — MEMS — DIFFERENCES — CHARACTER — ROUND
SUM — ACQUAINTANCES —VOW — SIGNED— ROW— WAKING
MOMENTS — DODGE 1S2

CHAPTER XXVI.

ADIEU ! ANVERS ! — TICKETS — CHILVERN FINISHED —
C^^A'-G^-r-^AV— THE BUFFET— STOPPAGE— COCKALORUMS

— AIX LA CHAPELLE— BAGGAGE— FLY— l'hotel—

PICK UP NAMES — OBSERVATIONS — RECEPTION — POPU-
LARITY — LANGUAGE — NOVELTIES — CHAMBERMAID —
RESTAURANTS— RETURN— MISTAKE .... iSS

CHAPTER XXVII.

THE WAITER — PANTOMIMIC —CONCERT — EARLY HOURS-
PROBABILITIES — GERMAN DIALOGUES — KALT—ZIMMER —
COUNTERPANE— PRACTICE— BAD . . . . . I96

xiv CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XXVIII.

TAGE

DOCTORS VISIT — INVALID's BREAKFAST— DYNGWELL's AD-
VICE— SYSTEM — PROFESSOR WANTED — INVALIDS AT
DINNER — TABLE D'HoTE — MIXTURE— THE TIMES— DE-
CEPTIONS — DIFFICULTIES — NOTE FOR POPGOOD — MY
TUMBLER AND I 203

CHAPTER XXIX.

DRINK THE FIRST - ELISA— MISS ELISA— A SMELL — OTHER
DRINKERS— IDEA OF LANGUAGE — SPIRIT — OBSERVATIONS
— DYNGWELL ON PRUSSIAN NAVY — POLYTECHNIC
MEMORY — COSMOPOLITANISM — SULPHUR — COMING OUT
— STRONG — APPROPRIATE MUSIC — INVENTION OF TERMS
— MARVELS ,211

CHAPTER XXX.

THE BATHS — THALERS — DESCENT — BATH-MAN— CELLS — SUG-
GESTIVE—CONVERSATION— TROUBLE — BOOK — DIRTY AND
THIRTY — SOLVITUR 220

CHAPTER XXXI.

A DIP BY DAYLIGHT — THOUGHTS — WHAT TO DO — A SINGER
— ASSISTANCE — DER HERR— EIN LIED — DER ANDERE
MANN — BOX AND COX — A THEORY— THE INDEX — SUL-
PHUR 226

CHAPTER XXXII.

CATHEDRAL — AACHEN— HIGH MASS — THE HERETICAL THEORY
— TELEGIL\M — DYNGWELL'S PRESCRIPTION— KAGELSPIEL
—LETTER— THE VAPOUR— DER ANDERE MANN . . 232

CONTEXTS. XV

CHAPTER XXXIII.

PAGE

DER AKDERE MANN — COMPARISONS — DISGUST — END OF
VAPOUR — THE FAILURE — THE DOUCHE — HAMLET's
GHOST — PROCEDURE — DOUCHING — CONVERSATION — BON-
MOT— NIAGARA 239

CHAPTER XXXIV.

TABLE d'hote — OUR PARTY — CONVERSATION — CLASSICS-
NAVAL TOPICS— CUTTING IN — FOURTH WEEK — LETTER
FROM HOME — OUR PROFESSOR— COCKALORUMS— DYNG-
WELL — A CLUB— GERMAN EXERCISES — GERMAN LETTER
— RESTORATION 245

CHAPTER XXXV.

MUSIC— DYNGWELL'S NOTION— ECONOMY— THE PARTY— THE

concert — herr somebody— fiddling — the shipboy
— concert over — supper — billiards — mongoose —
commander's story 254

CHAPTER XXXVI.

LEAVING — THE SCOOP — FOREIGNERS — MORE EXERCISES —
GERMAN VERBS — DYNGWELl's EXERCISE — HYMN— TO
PARIS — POETRY — ARR.\NGEMENTS 26 1

CHAPTER XXXVII.

RETURN— POETIC — REALISATION — ALTERNATIONS — MR. FRESH-
LIE — WORKS— EXPLANATIONS — WINKS — LOGIC , . 268

OUR YACHT.

INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER 277

xvi CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

PAGE

WE START — BREAKFAST— THE TREASURE — LOG COMMENCED

— NAUTICAL PHRASEOLOGY — DLA.RY— A ROW — MADE UP 280

CHAPTER II.

A DIFFERENCE — PUFFIN — THE C. J.— LOG— BEAUMARIS —
GUNS— THE RO\'ER— WADS— DIFFICULTIES— THE RAM-
ROD—LOG AGAIN— ROW THE THIRD .... 285

CHAPTER III.

LCG CONTINUED — BECALMED — BOOKS — TIME — FORGETFUL-
j^-£SS _ LAZINESS — UNPLEASANTNESS — BLACK EYED
SUS-AJN —WILLIAM — BILLL\RDS — FIDDLES — DANCING —
EFFECT OF CALM — THE CAPT.AJN— A SUSPICION . . 29O

CHAPTER IV.

LOG-DIARY RESUMED —THE TREASURE — TESTIMONIALS— IN-
TOXICATION— DIFFERENCES — STEERING — THE COMPASS
— RAIN — THE LIEUTENANT DISAGREEABLE— MORE ROW
CAPTAIN HIMSELF AGAIN— THE TREASURE— A FIGHT . 294

CHAPTER V.

THE MERSEY — DISCUSSION — QUESTION — NEGATIVED — THE
IDEAL — THE REAL— ROLLING GAIT — SALTS ASHORE —
THE HOTEL -COMFORT — BED 29S

HAPPY THOUGHTS

CHAPTER I.

LITERARY BUSINESS — OF FRIDOLINE MARRIED — A HOLI-
DAY— BABY AND RASH — WILLIS — HIS FRIEND — WIG-
THORPE — A SUGGESTION.

A^ London. — The progress of my book, Typical
Developments, Vol. I., brings me up to town to find
a publisher. Milburd, whom I meet accidentally,
says, "A publisher would jump at it." I ask him
what publisher.^ He says, in an off-hand way, "Oh, any
publisher," but doesn't volunteer any particular information
on the subject. Boodels, I remember, published a volume of
poems a year or two since.

Happy Thonglit. — To write to Eoodels, and ask what
publisher jumped at his poems.

Odd that my wife doesn't enter into niy v/ork. Wc have

2 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

been married three years. I read her the first chapter of
Book I. during the honeymoon. Since that time I have
sometimes said, "Now, I'll read you some more," or have
selected some passage that has struck me as peculiarly
happy. She has generally been busy. One evening, on my
opening the manuscript, she said she didn't want to be
bothered. I told her I didn't think it was kind of her. She
replied, that rather than I should think her unkind, she'd
listen. I returned, "Oh, but don't, if you'd rather not."'
She said that though she'd rather not, yet she would, to
please me. I didn't want to be cruel, so I said, " Never
mind."' She confesses she'd like to see it when it was in
print. Before we married I thought that Fridoline cared for
literature. She doesn't : except for novels.

Her mother, i^Irs. Symperson, is staying with us at my
cottage, in a lovely situation.

Happy JJiought. — To come up to London to look for a
publisher. Also might see the Academy, and the Opera,
and dine with some fellows at the Club.

Happy Thought. — Not to say anything about this, as o
course I don't knoiu that I am going to do it : only mention
the publisher. They say they shan't be dull vdthout me ;
and as I haven't been avray for a holiday — I mean away
from home — for some time, my wife thinks it will do me good.

Happy Thought. — To say it's 7iot a holiday — it's business.
Going to London, in fact, on business. My mother-in-law

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 3

suggests that we should all go. All means herself prin-
cipally. I point out that I shall only be away, probably, for
a day or two. Better to sdiy '■'' probably '^ in case I should
stop three weeks. I add that I shall be engaged the whole
time, and not be able to attend to them. Fridoline says,
•' Yes, better wait till we can all go away to Brighton. Baby
will want change of air soon.''

Happy Thought. — To agree at once. Brighton, by all
means, for baby, at some time or other. I consider this to
be the condition of my getting away now. My own opinion,
privately, is that Brighton may wait. Baby is always having
a rash, and always wanting, so they say, to go to Brighton.

I leave the cottage (Asphodel Cottage it is called — that is,
Friddy ivoiild call it Asphodel until she thinks of something
she'd like better) in the lovely situation, and go up by the
4*40 to town.

Happy Thought. — Take my cheque-book.

I71 the Train. — It occurs to me that going to a hotel in
town is expensive. I'll drive to Bob Willis's, in Conduit
Street. Willis asked me whenever I wanted a bed in town
to come to him.

In Conduit Street. — I jump out and ring. I know Willis
well : a good fellow — always glad to see me. Willis is a sort
of fellow who'd do anything for you. I foresee how 111
dash past the servant, rush up-stairs, and say, " Willis, old
boy here's a lark : I've come to stay with you." And

Willis will jump up, and order the bed, and The door

B 2

4 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

opens. The maid. "Is Mr. Willis in?" "Mr. JJ7io,
Sir?" the maid asks. "Willis." '"No one of that name
here," she says, as if she expected me to try another name,
as that wouldn't do. I ask her "if she's quite sure?'"' On
second thoughts, this question was absurd, as of course she'd
know who was living in the house. I am perplexed. I say,
" Oh, he's not here, eh ? " to myself.

Happy ThougJit. — Perhaps he's next door.

The maid says, " Yes, perhaps next door." She shuts
hers, and I go to the next door bell. I don't know why, but
I fancy the cabman doesn't think much of me after this
failure. Perhaps his idea is, that it's a dodge of mine for
not paying the fare. It's stupid of him if he think's that^
because he's got my portmanteau and my hat-box, and my
bag with the MS. of Typical Developments in it. I've heard
of swindlers' portmanteaus filled with stones. He may think
mine a swindler's portmanteau, but even then it would be
worth more than two-and-sixpence — his fare, at the outside.
Besides, there's Typical Developments^ worth thousands,
perhaps : only, not to a cabman.

Next door opens ; I put the question diffidently this time ;
in fact, I beg her pardon first, and then request to be in-
formed if " anyone of the name of Willis lives here ? " " Yes,
Sir."

Ah, capital! here we are I Down come my things. Here,
cabman, half-a-crown. He is indignant, and says he's been
waiting about more than half an hour. I dispute it. He
says, " Look here : it was six when you took me at the

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. S

Station, now it's seven." It might have been six — it is
seven.

Happy Thought. — Ahvays look at your watch when you
take a cab.

Sixpence makes ver)' httle difference : pay him.

" Which floor are Mr. Wilhs's rooms ? " Second. I rush

up. I bound into the room. Hallo, old boy "' In

another instant I am begging somebody's pardon (whom I
don't know) who is lying on the sofa half asleep. I explain

that I thought Willis was He cuts me short courteously.

They have a room together.

Happy Thought. — Like Box and Cox.

I don't say this, but think it. Willis may be in by eight,
or if not by eight, not till twelve. Would I like to wait ?

Happy Thought. — Say I'll come back about nine; and first
go and get some dinner. I add that I think that will be my
best course.

The stranger (Willis's partner — the Cox of the firm)
politely agrees with me that this will be my best course. He
doesn't offer me any dinner there. I hate inhospitality. I
mean if anybody, a perfect stranger, but still a friend of the
partner of my rooms, came in, I should press him to take
something — sherr>' and a biscuit. I say, however, that I'll
leave my things here (this will give Willis a hint of what I
mean by coming at all), and I will return when I've dined.
The stranger {Cox) rephes, seriously, " Very good," and is
evidently getting bored by me. I retire.

6 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — At all events I've found out where Willis
lives. Must dine somewhere. Where? At my Club, or
somebody else's Club ?

Happy Thought, — Somebody else's Club.

Turning into Regent Street, I come accidentally upon
Wigthorpe. He is delighted to see me. I am to see him.
I think (to myself) that 111 ask him to come and dine with
me at my Club. I think it over while Im walking with him
and he's telling me a ston.- about what he did last week in
Devonshire. He stops suddenly to ask me if I don't think
that (whatever it was he was saying) a capital idea? I reply,
'• Yes," and put off giving him my invitation until I see what
he is going to do. He asks me what I'm going to do to-
night.

Happy Thought. — To reply, cautiously, that I've got to go
and see Willis. He says that he's sorn,- for this, as he
should have liked me to dine with him. I say I can with
pleasure. '• Or stop." he says, suggestively, " suppose I dine
with;w/.?"

Happy Thouoht. — Too late to order dinner at my Club.
Ver}- inconvenient. Fix it for another day. Say I'U write to
him. '■' \^xx well, then,'' he says, " we'll dine together, and
you shall have a French dinner." '• Capital. Agreed."
We walk off together to a French dinner.

CHAPTER 11.

CATCHING A HANSOM — THE FRENCH RESTAURANT'S — THE
VISITORS — SETTLEMENT — THE LATCH-KEY.

HE worst of Wigthorpe is, that he's a fellow
who never has any change. I make this note
the day after our French dinner. I had never
met Wigthorpe before in London : always in the

country, at somebody else's house, where, of course, one

didn't want change.

Happy TJwught. — One goes down into the countr}- for
" change," and gets it. Say this as Sydney Smith's.

He proposes a cab up to the French restaurant. It's
somewhere in Soho, and will only be, he says, "a shilling's-
worth." A Hansom passes : its driver looking the other
way. I don't like to shout in Regent Street, so I hail him
with my umbrella. He passes on. Three Hansoms pass
on, all looking the other way. One trots up with no one
inside. He sees me, but shakes his head, and doesn't stop.
Why is this ? Vv^igthorpe says it's because he's going home.
I say it's impudence. I say I should like to have taken his
number. Wigthorpe wants to know what I should have
done with it. I reply, had him up. On consideration I
don't know v.here I should have had him up, or what I

8 MORE HAPPY THOUGPITS.

should have charged him with. The charge might have
been for going home, and not taking me. I stop another.
We get in. As Wigthorpe doesn't know the name of the
place he is going to. he tells him to drive along Oxford
Street, and he'll direct him whenever he has to turn.

Wigthorpe is a fidgety fellow. Odd that I never noticed
this before. He keeps popping forward to see where the
turning is. He hits up the little trap-door, under the driver's
nose, suddenly, and shouts out, " To the right ! " then he
directs him with his umbrella. Very intricate place, Soho.
We are perpetually turning from right to left, and left to
right, down little streets. At last we stop at a shabby-look-
ing restaurant. " Now, my boy," says Wigthorpe, heartily,
" I'll give you a French dinner." He jumps out, and enters
the house. If I pay the cabman now, I can settle with
Wigthorpe afterwards. A married man must be careful.
When I was a bachelor, a trifle like eighteenpence (it isn't
'• a shilling's-worth ''■) wouldn't have mattered.

Happy Thotight. — He says \i€Y\.gh'c me a French dinner.
I wonder if I'm dining with him, or whether we're dining
together? Delicate question.

Happy Tho2igJit. — Better not ask. Take it for granted
that I'm dining with him.

I follow him in, along a narrow passage. At the end of
the passage is a perspiring man in a white nightcap, backed
by stewpans and black pots. He salutes Wigthorpe, and we
pass into the dining room.

y.ORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 9

In an off-hand way (just like Wigthorpe, now I know him)
he stops as he is opening the door, to ask me, '' Did you pay
the cabman ? " I reply that I did, expecting him to offer his
share. He answers, "Ah, that's all right, as I hadn't any
change." I think (to myself) he's evidently giving me the
dinner, as he has brought a note out with him, and no small
change. He takes off his hat to a respectable-looking woman
standing behind a counter, and informs me that it's a French
custom.

Happy Thotight. — Will go to Paris with Wigthorpe. Will
write and tell my wife. Better not take her until I've been
once or twice myself, and know the place. A literary man
(engaged on such a work as Typical Developments) must go
about and see varieties of life. It's business, not pleasure.
My wife and her mother-in-law (very poorly-read person,
Mrs. Symperson) are inclined to call it pleasure. They
never can understand what I mean.

Wigthorpe appears to be known here. He says, " Garqo7i /"
boldly to the waiter, who returns, " Bienni^ sieu J " and
whisks imaginar)^ crumbs off a table with his napkin. Wig-
thorpe reads several French names to me from the biU of
fare, and asks me what I'd like. I say I'll leave it to him.
'•' Then," he says, " I'll give you a regular French dinner, just
what you'd get at the Diner de Paris:'

Happy Thought. — Capital preparation for going to Paris.
Come and dine here often, and speak nothing but French to
the waiter. Mem. To do it.

lo MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

I wish they wouldiit allow smoking while I'm dining.
That's the worst of foreigners ; all in the same room and at
different stages of dinner. The room is full of foreigners —
Frenchmen, I suppose — and two or three have evidently-
brought their wives or daughters. They all seem to know
one another, and talk across the tables and to the Woman at
the Counter.

Happy Thought. — Good name for a novel, The Woman at
the Coiniter. Mem. in note-book.

The proprieter is a stout Frenchman, who plays with a dog
and a cat, and patronises the establishment in his shirt-
sleeves, which are \qxj white ; in fact he is so round and
white, and so white all round, that his face comes out at the
top like a brown plum-pudding. As this is a decidedly
happy simile (I am better, I think, at similes than I used to
be), I tell it to Wigthorpe, who begs me to " hush,'" as the
proprieter understands English, and hates to be called a
plum-pudding. Wigthorpe tells me that most of the
foreigners dining here are emigres., who are perpetually
plotting something or other. He says that they all stick
together like wax. I should say they do, as they all look
very hot. [Note this down for \o\. II. of Typical Develop-
ments, '' On Emigre's.'^'] I notice that all these distin-
guished Royalists put their knives in their mouths, reck-
lessly. Wigthorpe asks, ''Why not.-^" When I tell him
that I dont think it's good-breeding, he retorts that I'm
narrow-minded.

Some of them have little bits of red riband in their button-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. ii

holes, and others parti-coloured rosettes about the size of a
fourpenny piece. Wigthorpe whispers to me that there are
lots of secret police always about here. I say, " Indeed ! "
and can't help looking about to find out a Secret Policeman.

Fi7'st Dish. Mussels in butter. I think I'd rather not.
Wigthorpe says, "Absurd ! You don't know how good they
are." He adds, that it is the dish here. After tasting them,
I am sorr)' to hear it is the dish, as I confess I don't like
them. Wigthorpe replies, " Perhaps you don't at first — it's
an acquired taste." I eat as many as I can, to prove to
Wigthorpe that I am not a mere John Bull, and prejudiced,
but I can't get beyond half-a-dozen, and those with sus-
picion. We then have some fish and oil, or rather Oil and
fish. Wigthorpe is in raptures. He says it's the best
French dinner in London. He pours out a bumper of red
wine. I do the same. I suggest to Wigthorpe that perhaps
it's a little thin and acid. He won't hear of it, and replies,
indignantly, " Acid I Not a bit I Hang it, it's the wine of
the countr}'." He speaks as if we were in France — not
within five minutes of Leicester Square. I want some
bread, and call out, " Waiter ! " Wigthorpe is disgusted.
He likes to keep up the illusion about being in Paris. He
says, " Garcojt I du pain ! " and puts himself on a par with
the emigres and the secret police.

I can't get a spoon for the salt, or the pepper. Wigthorpe
laughs. '■ They never do use spoons for salt and pepper," he
says, helping himself with the point of his knife. After the
fish we have radishes, sardines, and butter. I ask him if
we've finished dinner, as I'm still hungiy. The waiter brings

12 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

some filets de boeiif au Cfesson. Wigthorpe is in ecstasies.
There is barely enough for one to be divided by two. Wig-
thorpe is astonished at my appetite. The next thing is the
leg of a chicken in a lot of olives. This is also for two.
Then there is cheese, then coffee and a cigarette. '" For
goodness' sake," cries Wigthorpe, " don't take milk vs'ith
your cafe P^ \Miile here he talks all his English in a sub-
dued voice, and his French very loud. '• There's a dinner,
Sir," says he : "better than you can get at any Club in
London ; and only two-and-sixpence altogether. Two-and
sixpence each ! Ver)- cheap ! And threepence iox garqon —
two-and-nine." Wigthorpe feels in his pocket, and con-
founds it, because he has no change. " I have : what for ? "
•'Ah," he says, "you can't manage a check, can you, for
twenty?"' "No, I can't."' "Then," says he, pleasantly,
" you square the dinner, and I'll settle with you afterwards."
I don't feel I've dined, and say so. Wigthorpe pretends to
be perfectly full and satisfied. He adds, " Well, we can sup
together somewhere."

Happy Thought. — To say I should like it, but am engaged
to Willis. Wigthorpe says good-bye, and hopes I'll " come
and look him up " in town. I will : and then he can settle
with me for the dinner.

Back to Willis's, in Conduit Street. ]\Iaid opens door.
" Oh, are you the gentleman, Sir, who's going to sleep here,
to-night ? " I reply that I am, " Ah, then," says the maid,
" here's Mr. Rawlinson's latch-key." Mr. Rawlinson is, it
appears, the sharer of Willis's sitting-room. I ask if he

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 13

won't want it himself? ^laid replies that he left it out a
purpose, as he was gone to bed early, and he'd just had a
letter from Mr. Willis in the country, who wasn't coming up
to town, but had given his bedroom to a friend for the night.
Good fellow, Willis. Wonder how he knew I was coming ?
Or did the maid mean that he had given permission to I\Ir.
Ravrlinson to let a friend have it .^ ^Nlaid says she dare say
that was it ; only, as Mr. Willis hadn't sent up his own
latch-key, Mr. Rawhnson had lent his in case I wanted
to stay out late.

Happy Tho2igIiL~Go somewhere.

CHAPTER III.

WHERE TO GO — THE CLUB — BOODELS' LETTER— INDECI-
SION— MILBURD — COUNT DE BOOTJACK — NOTE ON
BABY— CONVERSATION ON FARMING — LORD DUNGE-

NESS — IRISH PROPRIETOR.

ERY jolly to have a friend like Willis. A large-
hearted generous fellow, who keeps open bed-
room for friends. Perhaps he'll let me stay here
for a week or so. At nine o' clock in London,
with nothing particular to do, it is difficult to decide where to
go. The theatres are half over ; and then if you haven't got
your place, and aren't dressed for the evening, it's uncom-
fortable. There's Cremorne. But nobody's there until about
eleven. [Madame Tussaud's is always the same ; but I
suppose that's shut by this. Besides, I want something more
stirring and exciting. Wonder if anything is going on at the
Egyptian Hall ? Might walk there. I go there : it is closed.
At St. James's Hall there are the Christy's. As I arrive,
people are beginning to leave. Policeman at door says it
will all be over in ten minutes. No good going in for ten
minutes. Three shillings for ten minutes — three into ten —
that's threepence-farthing and a fraction over per minute for
the Christy's. Won't do. I should like to make a night of

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 15

it somewhere: but where? I ahnost wish Wigthorpe had
stopped with me. I shouldn't have minded paying his cab
to Cremorne. if he would have come. If I went now, I should
be in time for everything : perhaps the balloon ; certainly
the fireworks.

Happy Thought.— Go to my Club, and see if I can get
somebody to go with me.

]Mine is a quiet Club in a quiet corner. It's very con-
venient for anyone living in the countr}' at least so ever}'one
says. But I can't see why it is more convenient than any
other when you are once in London. It makes a home for
you in town. As I enter I notice a new hall-porter, who
notices me, and he evidently inquires my name of another
porter. To save trouble, I ask if there are any letters for me.
I don't expect any of course. By the way, I do, though — an
answer from Boodels about publishers jumping at poems.
Porter makes a faint attempt at pretending to remember my
name. I help him to it. There is a letter from Boodels.
Into the smoking-room to read it. I don't want any brandy-
and-water, nor a cigar, but I call for them, and take a seat in
the smoking-room. As I don't recognise anyone there, I am
glad to have Boodels' letter to read. Boodels' letter informs
me that his printing and publishing was an exceptional affair,
as his publisher was a distant connection of his family's by his
mother's side, and so they did it more to oblige him than for
any other reason ; but he is sure, that if I know any respect-
able firm, they would be most happy to do it for me. If it is a
work of a philosophical and scientific character, why not go

i6 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

(says the letter) to Popgood and Groolly ? He incloses Pop-
good and Grooll)-'s address (cut out of a newspaper) and
wishes me luck, " P.S. You mustn't be surprised if you
hear of my being married soon. Don't mention it at present.
Any day you like to come doun and have some fun dragging
the pond, do. I shall be delighted to see you. Remember
me to your v.-ife.'"'

Oh, Boodels can't be going to be married. Impossible.
But why impossible ? Why should I be surprised ?

Happy TJiought. — To write him something pretty and
neat back in verse. Something he can keep and show to
his intended and say, " Wasn't that very thoughtful of him ?''

I will. Awkward word to rhyme to — '' Boodels." Poodles.
Noodles. Toodles. There's a farce called The Toodles.
Saw it once in a countiy theatre. Mr. and Mrs. Toodles.
IMight say

" Oh may you, William Augustus Boodels,
Be happy as Mister and Mrs. Toodles ! "

Then Noodles has to be got in : —

" 'Tis true, my dear Boodels,
Unmarried are Noodles,
They pet their small lap-dogs.
Canaries and Poodles.
But you," <S:c., Sec.

Mem. To work this. up and send it to-morrow. I find that
the firm that published Boodels' lucubrations was Winser,
Finchin, and Wattlemas. The whole firm couldn't have
been distant connections.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 17

Past Eleven o'clock. — No one in the Club I know. If I go
to Cremorne by myself, it's dull ; and the fireworks will be
over. Besides, after all, what are fireworks unless you're in
spirits for em 1 A gentleman in evening dress saunters into
the Club-room, followed by two others, laughing heartily.
They all order " Slings,'' and as the first turns round, I
exclaim, " Hallo, Milburdl '' It's quite a pleasure to join in
a conversation.

He introduces me to his friends Lord Dungeness and

Count de . I can't quite catch the name, but it sounds

like " Bootjack ; " and Milburd takes the opportunity of
whispering to me, immediately afterwards, that he is a dis-
tinguished Prussian over here on a secret embassy.

Happy Thought. — To say, "No! is he?"' and watch him
sipping gin-sling.

Happy Thought. — Hessian boots.

I put this down in my note-book as a happy thought,
because, somehow or other, I can't help associating a Count
Avith Hessian boots. I never met a real one before. Hitherto,
I fancy, I had considered it as a stage title— a dashing
character in a Hussar uniform, with a comic servant and a
small portmanteau. I can't help thinking that (as Wigthorpe
said at the French dinner) I a})i narrov.-minded on some
points. A literar}- man and a philosopher should be large-
hearted. I confess (to myself in my wtv^-book) that I am a
little annoyed with myself at finding the mention of a Count
only brings up the idea of Hessian boots. Somehow, also,

i8 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

polkas, with brass heels. It shows what early training is :
I recollect some picture or another, when I was a boy, of
two smiling Hungarians, in red jackets and brass heels
dancing a toe-and-heel step to polka time. My nurse used
to call them a Count and Countess, and I've never got
over it. rvlust take care how I train my baby with the
rashes.

[Our baby always has rashes all over him. There never
was such a troublesome baby. When my wife and myself
once went to a theatre, we heard a troublesome scoundrel
described as a '• villain of the deepest dye.'' By an inspira-
tion I noted down

Happy Thought. — Our infant a '*' baby of the deepest
dye.-"-]

The Count de Bootjack does not immediately get up and
dance the polka, but sucks his gin-sling rapidly, talking
excellent English.

The conversation turns on farming. Ours is a country
gentleman's club, and therefore, whenever we can, we do
turn the conversation on farming. Lord Dungeness asks me
how things are in my part of the world ? I reply (this being
safe), that the farmers in my part are complaining. He be-
comes interested immediately, and inquires " What about ? "
I have to take time to consider my answer, as I don't know
what they are complaining about ; nor, except for the sake of
keeping up a conversation, that they are complaining at all.
I throw my remark out as a feeler, because new is evidently
an opportunity for me to learn something about Agriculture

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. rg

{Typ. Develop.^ vol. iii. par. i, letter A, ''Agriculture.")
Milburd takes the reply out of my mouth, by interrupting
with " Pooh ! let 'em complain, the English farmer doesn't
know how to pull the value off his land." We are all in-
terested now ; ready to pick up intelligence about the English
farmer.

Milburd's idea is to '' let the soil rest." This appears ver}'
sensible, and I can't help expressing myself to that eftect :
the Count asks me '"' Why ? " I reply that it is evident to
reason (not to put it on agricultural grounds), that if you let
it rest, it is fresh again.

Happy Thought. — Got out of that ven,- well. The explana-
tion doesn't seem to impress them much, as they continue
their argument. [I note down what I can of their conversa-
tion at odd times, for future use.] Lord Dungeness wants to
know "Why let it rest ?" '' There," he says, "is the ground
— there it remains — it doesn't run away."

Happy Thought^ which I say out loud. '•' It might in a
landslip."

Milburd complains that I luill come in as a buffoon. ■ I
beg his pardon with some asperity, I meant it. The two
others, the Count, and Lord Dungeness, agree with me that
a landslip might make a difference ; but barring landslips,
there was your land, you raised your crops, you turned it
over, you were always working it, lower soils and top soils,
with dressings, and you'd pull off cent, per cent, every year
The Count remarks that that is true, in Turnips alone.

c 2

20 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Cent, per cent, in turnips: go in for
turnips. IMilburd shakes his head over potatoes this year.

" Except," says Lord Dungeness, "in Jersey — large exports
made there now.'' This diverts the conversation for a time
to Jersey. I say apropos of the potatoes, that I've never
been to Jersey. Milburd asks me if 111 go with him? We
have more gin-sling, and I arrange to go to Jersey with him
in a few weeks' time. Shall have to explain this to my wife
judiciously.

The Count says that Prussians let the soil work itself;
which seems clever,

" But after three years of top-dressings ? " puts in Lord
Dungeness.

I feel inclined (Lord Dungeness has pointed this question
so strongly) to say, '• Yes, what would you do then 'i " only it
occurs to me that in that form, and from me. it would sound
like a riddle, and Milburd would immediately reply, '* Gib it
up," like a nigger (/ know him) which would stop this really
interesting and valuable conversation. So I merely listen,
and look as farmerish as possible.

An Irish gentleman joins us, a large landed proprietor
[Milburd whispers this to me], and then plunges at once, in
medias res, by observing defiantly that there is no farming
like Irish farming. The Prussian Count attends to this
closely. Perhaps this is some of the secret information he
has come over for. Milburd doubts this statement about
Irish farming. The Irish gentleman otiers to prove it_to him
on his fingers, with a cigar,

"Thus, yell take so many counties, ye see"' — we all say

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 21

" yes," and nod. " Well," he continues, " ye don't take one
crop and there an end, but ye just take one aft'her the other
and work 'em on and on, successively, and each one helps
the others. Ye take one field with the other"— here he sums
up on his left-hand fingers, checking them off as fields, or
faraiers, or counties, (we are none of us, I am sure, quite
clear which) "and ye lose nothing 'av the prod'huce. The
acres last for ever — it's not like hard cash or paper — and ye
get your interest and principal together, increasing the first.
and the second too, for the matter of that, in proportion.
Ye see how 'tis.'"' As we all profess to have followed his
argument closely, he doesn't continue, but announces himself
as being dn,-, and orders " what you other fellows are drink
ing there with ice in it." Here are two people I never met
before — a Prussian Count and an Irish Landed Proprietor.

Happy TJiought. — Opportunity for varied information.
Ask Irish Proprietor if he's ever been shot at from behind
a hedge. He laughs at my credulity. " They ?iever do it,'"
he says. " I reply that I had thought from the Papers,
that ■'

" The Papers ! " he exclaims. " If ye'll believe a word
they say of Ireland, I give ye up intirely." As I don't want
to irritate him, I tell him that I don't believe every word
they say, and assure him that I am only asking for informa-
tion.

" Why, Sir," he says, " my property lies among the worst
and wildest parts, and I might walk among 'em any day if I
chose, Protestant or Catholic, no matter, without a gun or a

22 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

dog, or a s.ick, or any mortal thing, and they'd not touch
me."

Interesting conversation this : must get back to Wilhs's,
though.

CHAPTER IV.

CLUB COXVERSATIOX CONTINUED - A FLAT JOKE— MY
FARMING — AN INVITATION — ANOTHER — PARTY

BREAKS UP — PROPOSALS FOR ''LARKS"— IN THE
DARK— SNORING — SOMEBODY IN BED— A^VK^VARD—
SLEEPER AWAKENED.

^ TILL at the Club. The conversation (kept up,
^ with animation, by the Count de Bootjack, Mil-
burd, Lord Dungeness and the Irish Proprietor)
turns upon Drainage. I can't tear myself away
from Drainage, as this is to me a novel topic. ['' D '"'
for Drainage, Typical Developments, Book \ .) The
Prussian Count questions (as I understand him, or
rather as I don't understand him) the utility of Alluvial
Deposits. Milburd, who really seems to know what he's
talking about on this subject, observes that the great point
is neither to exhaust the land by over-manuring and work-
ing off three crops for one, nor to under-fertilise it by
constant drainage. This (I say, thoughtfully, as I cannot
sit there without making some observation) is mere common
sense.

Milburd retorts with some sharpness, " Of course it's
common sense ; but who does it.^"' to which I can only reply,

24 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

as he seems annoyed, " Ah, that's it," and take a sip at my
gin- sling. A pause. More orders to waiter.

Happy Thought. — To say that the Drainage question
involves many " slings."

No one seems to notice my having said this except the
Prussian Count, who smiles somewhat patronisingly, and says,
" Yes, we drain slings," then laughs again. I laugh, out of
compliment, not that I see anything funny in what he said,
as it was only a sort of explanation of my joke. The Irish
Proprietor asks me if I farm at all. I reply, *' No, scarcely at
all." This reply sounds like a hundred acres or so, nothing
to speak of. [It really means five hens that won't lay, two
pigs 'invalids) a cock that crows in the afternoon only, and a
small field let out to somebody else's cow.]

Milburd observes that he's heard I've a ver}- nice place in
the country. I tell him I shall be ver>' glad if he'll come and
see me there. Feeling that this invitation to only one in the
company may be taken as a slight by the others, I add (not
knowing their names, and I can't address the Count as De
Bootjack) " and anyone who likes to come down." They
murmur something about being delighted, and then follows
a sort of awkward pause, as if I'd insulted ever>- one of
them.

Happy Thought. — To break the silence by saying, " I like
living in the country."

The Irish Proprietor remarks, that I must come to Ireland
if I want to see country, " Ye must come over," he says,

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 25

heartily, ''to my shooting-box this side of Connemara, and
I'll show you Ireland."

HapPy Thought. — A real opportunity of seeing life and
character : the Fine Old Irish Gentleman ; bailiffs shot on
the premises : port wine ; attached peasantry ready to die for
the Masther ; old servants saying witty things all over the
house : car-drivers ; laughter all day ; flinging money right
and left ; Father Tom and whisky-punch in the evening, and
no one at all uncomfortable except a hard landlord and a
rent-collector.

I accept with pleasure,

Irish Proprietor wants to know when I'll come, as he
shan't be at home for the next four months, but after that
will I write to him ? I promise.

Note. — Jersey with Milburd, Ireland with Mr. Delany.

Happy Thought. — Must arrange for my wife to go some-
where with my mother-in-law.

Prussian Count says he must go to bed. I rise too. We
say good-bye. He asks me if I'm going anywhere near
Brussels this year. I reply. " No. Jersey and Ireland, I
shan't go any farther." " Well," he returns, " if you do, look
me up." I promise I will.

Happy Thought. — Ask him to ^^rite down his address so
that I may know his name, which of course can't be De
Bootjack.

The Count answers that everyone knows him, and that

26 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

he's always to be heard of either at the Legation or the
Embassy ; or, if it's after November, and I go on to Turin,
"just inquire at the Palace, and they'll tell you my where-
abouts, and we'll have a pipe and a chat.'' I reply, '*' Oh,
yes, of course," as if I was in the habit of calling at Palaces,
and having pipes and chats with Lord Derby.

" He's a greater swell than Lord Derby when he's at
home," says Milburd, to whom I relate my parting words
with the Count. I really viust go and see him, and drop
Ireland and Jersey. More character and life in Brussels,
Vienna, and Turin. Diplomatic life, too. The Count de
(I must get his right title, as it would never do to go to the
Palace at Turin, and ask for a Prussian Count, describing
him as a greater swell than Lord Derby, with a name like
De Bootjack) — The Count would introduce me every-
where.

Happy Thought. — Get up my French and Italian.

Happy Thought. — Say "good night," and go to Willis's, in
Conduit Street. IMilburd and Lord Dungeness will walk
part of the way. Milburd is suddenly in wonderful spirits.
It is almost daylight. Milburd sees a coffee-stand, and
stops. He says, ''Wouldn't it be a lark to upset the whole
lot, and bolt ? " I laugh [Happy Thought — like the monks
of old, "Hal ha I"] and get him to walk on. By Burlington
Arcade he stops again, and says, " Wouldn't it be a lark to
knock up the beadle, and when he came out just say ' How
are you this morning?' and run away?" Lord Dungeness

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 27

■wishes there was a jolly good fire, as we'd all have a ride
on the engine.

Milburd observes "he should like to have a row some-
where/' and Dungeness proposes St. Giles's or Wapping.
jNIilburd says to me, '' Yes, that's your place (meaning
Wapping) for character, if you want to fill up ^Biblical
Elephants.'"' [He zuill still call Typical Developjnents
'' Biblical Elephants."' That's the worst of Milburd — always
overdoes a joke. I will really get one good unanswerable
repartee, to be delivered before a lot of people, and settle him
for ever. One never knows, now, whether Milburd is serious
or joking.] It occurs to Dungeness that he knows what he
calls " a crib "' where the last comer has to fight the thieves*
champion, and '"stand liquor" all round. "It's a sort of
den," he adds, '"'that it's not safe to go into without about five
policemen." But he doesn't mind.

Happy Thought. — To say, '• Should like to see those places
very much, but got to be up to-morrow morning, and must
go to bed now. \qxx sorry. Staying with a fellow, so won't
do to be too late. As I open the door, Milburd says,
••' Don't forget Jersey." Nod my head : all right. As much
as to intimate that I'm ready for Jersey at any moment.
Can't help thinking what a good fellow Willis is to let me
have his room in town, and to write to say I might be
expected.

Happy Thought. — Simple arrangement, a latch-key. Feel
as if I were getting in burglariouslv. Gas out. Wish I

28 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

knew where the stairs commenced. Stupid practice having
a bench in the passage. They might have left out a hght—

Happy Thought {in the dark) — instead of leaving a light
out. \_Me7n. Put this down, and work it up as something of
Sheridan's. People vs-ill laugh at it then.] Fallen against
the umbrella-stand. Awkward if the Landlady is awoke.
She's never seen me before, and I should have to explain
who I was and how I got there. Might end in Police. Willis
ought to have written to his Landlady about me.

Happy Thought. — Stairs at last, and banisters. Willis lives
on second floor. Snoring on first floor. Stop to listen.
Lots of snoring about. Landlady below, perhaps ; maid-
servant above ; lodgers all round : all snoring. Something
awful in these sounds. Not solemn, but ghostly, as if all the
snoring people would certainly burst out upon you from the
diflferent doors. Simile occurs to me — Roberto and the Nuns.
That ended in a ballet. Fancy this ending in a ballet — with
the Landlady. Daylight streams in through window on
second flight. \tx\ pale light : makes me feel ghostly, espe-
cially about the white waistcoat : a sort of dingv' ghost. L'p
the next stairs quietly. Pass Rawlinson's bed-room. More-
snoring. Rawlinson snores angrily. The other people down
below contentedly ; except one, somewhere, who varies it with
a heavy sigh. Glad to shut the door on it all, and go to bed.

Happy Thought (Jfi connection iviih the ballet and Roberto).
— " Willis's Rooms." Good idea this. Should like to wake

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 29

up Rawlinson, and tell him what I'd thought of. Won't :
don't know him well enough. My portmanteau has been
moved into the bed-room evidently. But here's my bag on
the sofa : even-thing in it for the night ready. See these by
the pale daylight. Look at myself in the glass. Say, " This
won't do : mustn't stop out so late." Hair looks wir>-. The
bed-room is quite dark, so I must light a candle to go in
there, as somehow the stupid idiots at home have put the
only thing I really do want for night in my portmanteau,
instead of in my bag. Delicious it will be to go to bed, and
get up when I like in the morning.

Happy Tlwnghf.—l^ed.

In the bed-room. Hullo ! why, I can't have made a mis-
take : there's some one in bed. Is it some one, or a cat, or —
no, Some One fast asleep. Willis come back, confound him I
He turns. It isn't Willis. But — I can't make it out : these
are the rooms I Avas in before. Yes. I go gently back and
examine. Yes, not a doubt of it. I return still more gently,
and examine sleeping stranger by candle-light. Don't know
him from Adam. Wonder what he's doing there. Sleeping,
of course. He can't be a thief. Thieves don't take all their
things off (his boots and clothes are littered all over the
place anyhow), and go to bed. Intoxicated lodger, perhaps,
mistaken the room. I really don't know what to do. Most
awkward situation. Shall I call Rawlinson up to look at
him ? What shall I say to Rawlinson ? Say, " Look here,
Rawlinson, sorry to disturb you, but just come and see what
I've found in Willis's bed."

30 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

I mustn't do it too suddenly, or nervously, or Rawlinson
might be frightened into a fit. Recollect hearing once of a
man being awoke suddenly, and frightened into a fit. But I
think, by the way, that that had something to do with a sham
ghost and a turnip. Perhaps, on the whole, I'd better take
my things and go away quietly. Where ?

Happy Though /.— H otel.

Must unpack my portmanteau, and get my things out first,
as I can't lug the horrid thing down-stairs without disturbing
the house ; in which case I should have to explain to ever>'-
body. Perhaps there are eight or ten lodgers, and the Land-
lady. I still stand surv^eying him by candle-light, as if there
were some chance of his getting up, of his own accord, in his
sleep, and going away to a hotel instead of me. I only hope
he won't wake. He is waking. I can't move. He is awake.
We stare at one another. He says, "Eh I Why? W^hat
the "

Happy Thought. — To answer verj' politely. Say, ''Don't
disturb yourself. Quite an accident."

Happy Thought that will come into my mind. Scene from
somebody's opera or oratorio, The Sleeper Awakened.
Whose ? Perhaps a continuation of Sosinainbula. This all
flashes across my mind as he says, hazily, " Accident ! '■
Then starting bolt upright, '" Not fire ! 1 Eh .' "'

CHAPTER V.

SITUATION CONTINUED — DROWSY STRANGER— A DIFFI-
CULTY—AN ARGUMENT — GRAINGER — SELFISHNESS-
DETERMINATION — HOTEL — NUMBER THREE HUN-
DRED, &C.

l\ S the Stranger comes up suddenly from under

I the bedclothes, and inquires if its a fire, I can't

help noticing (in the flash of a second^ that /i/s

J appearance, about the head I mean, is rather

conflagratory than otherwise. His hair is red, long, and
rough ; his face is red, his moustache and beard are red.

Happy Thought. — The Fire King in bed.

I explain that it is 7iot a fire, and that, generally, no
danger is to be apprehended.

" Then," says he. stupidly, " what's the time ? '' As if he'd
been expecting me at a certain hour, and I had anticipated
the appointment.

It doesn't seem to occur to him that he is causing vie any
inconvenience ; and, having once ascertained that there's no
fire, he strangely enough appears to take no further interest
in me, but lies down again, and, turning away on his side.

32 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

mutters. '• Well, — all right — never mind — don't bother — get
out I ■'* He is not a bit afraid ; only, after a short, spasmodic
gleam of intelligence, he relapses into the heaviest drowsi-
ness.

This is so annoying that I determine to tr}- if his sense of
justice will not bring him out.

Happy Thought. — To say. simply, but emphatically, " I
beg your pardon : you've got my bed."

He replies, gruffly and drowsily, without stirring, " You be
somethinged ! Don't bother."

Now I do think that to come home at three in the morn-
ing, happily and pleasantly, expecting to turn in and rest,
then to find a red-haired stranger, a man whom you never
saw in your life before, in your bed, and, on your infoiTning
him of his mistake, to be told that you may be " some-
thinged " (a word worth five shillings in a police-court), and
are not to "bother," is rather a strong proceeding, to say the
least of it.

"Yes," I reply, "but I must bother." I am becoming
annoyed, and I ivill have him out. Why should / pay for a
bed at a hotel? Why shouldn't he? Or, stop

Happy Thought. — If he won't move out, he might pay for
my bed at a hotel. By the way, isn't this rather like a
street-organ nuisance ? " Give me so much, and I'll go
away." Can't help it if it is. It's only fair.

I continue, louder, so as to stop his going to sleep,
" You've got my bed."

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 33

From under the sheets he murmurs pleasantly, '*' I'll have
your hat 1 '*' as if he thought my address to hhn mere low,
vulgar chaff. As if I should come (I can't help putting this
to him pointedly) at three o'clock in the morning merely to
indulge in low, vulgar chaff with a stranger I Does he think
it likely?

He pretends to have fallen asleep again. Humbug I
I repeat, angrily, " I tell you, Sir, you're in my bed."
He replies, more stupidly than ever, " All right ! "
I say, sarcastically, '' Well, Sir, as you don"t dispute the
fact, perhaps you'll kindly turn out.''

This does rouse him, as he turns round and asks me, in
unnecessarily strong language, who the blank I am? what
ih^ blank I want ? why the blank I come there bothering ?
I answer, simply, that Willis lent me his bed.
He retorts, " Well, Willis lent it me."'
I did ;/^/ expect this, and am staggered for the moment ;
so much so' that I can only say, very inadequately, '" Did
he?"

" Yes," continues the Stranger, angrily, '• for as long as
I like to stop." Evidently implying that he's not going to
get up yet.

"But," I remonstrate, "Wilhs lent it to meyfr^/."

'• Couldn't," returns Red-Haired Stranger, rudely : " I've

just come straight from him. He gave me his latch-key.''

And, sure enough, on the table lies the fellow to Rawlin son's.

" But I came up this afternoon," I inform him. I feel this

is weak as an argument.

To which he replies, " And I came this evening."

34 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

" Yes." I reply, admitting the fact, '■ but I came here
first : " wherewith I point to my portmanteau. I don't ex-
actly see why he should take this as corroborative evi-
dence, but it strikes me (as a Happy Thought at the
moment; that it will quite knock him over ; which, however,
it doesn't at all.

"Well," says he, clenching the matter, '• I came to bed
first."

I can't deny this. Don't know what to do. I should like
lo have the power of producing some crushing argument
which should bring him out of bed.

Happy Thought. — Fetch Rawlinson.

I look into his room cautiously, and, as it were, breathe
his name. I breathe it louder. He is awake and bolt
upright in bed with the suddenness of a toy Jack-in-the-Box.
Then he laughs : then he asks me, " Can't you eat 'em ?"

I ask, rather astonished, " Eat what ? "'

He replies, " Turnips," seriously : from which I gather
that he has not yet mastered the fact of my being in his
room, and that, despite his sudden liveliness, he is still
dreaming. After a few more disjointed words, he laughs
and apologises, and adds that, as he"s quite awake now, he
wants to know what's the matter.

"Ah ! that must be Grainger," he answers, when I tell
him of the red man in bed. He says this with an evident
conviction that what I've told him is so like Grainger :
Grainger down to the ground, in fact. It appears that
Willis has been staying with Grainger, and that Grainger

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 35

has come straight up from Wilhs. with permission to use
his room in town, while Wilhs uses Grainger's in the countr)-.
" I don't see how you can turn him out,'' observes Rawlinson,
thoughtfully, but at the same time setthng himself once
more under the sheets, as much as to say, "and you can't
expect me to give up my bed."

Happy Thought.— Tq say, "It's rather hard to have to
turn out at this time to go to a hotel." I say this piteously,
with a view to appealing to his sense of compassion, as I
had before to Grainger's sense of justice. Rawlinson, com-
fortably under the clothes again, agrees with me. '' It is,"'
he says, " confoundedly hard." " Such a nuisance," I con-
tinue plaintively. "Horrid !" returns Rawlinson, under the
clothes, in a tone which signifies that he really doesn't care
twopence about it as long as h^s left alone.

Happy Thought.— The selfishness of Bed. Note. This is
worth an Essay.

I stand there hesitating.

Happy Thought. — To suggest " Isn't there a spare bed in
the house ? "

Rawlinson answers, decidedly, " No."

I can't help feeling that if he got up and looked, I dare say
he'd find one ; or, in fact, that if he interested himself at all
in the matter, he might do something for me.

It occurs to me at this moment that I have often professed
myself able to shake down anywhere, and rough it. I sug-

D 2

36 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

gest (I can only suggest, as I feel that, now, not having any,
as it were, legal status in Willis and Rawlinson's rooms, I
am there simply on sufferance — a wayfarer — a wanderer,
glad of a night's lodging anywhere, anyhow,' — I suggest that
the sofa might do.

Rawiinson, half way to fast asleep, replies, '• Yes."'

Happy Thought. — To say that the table-cloth would do
for sheets, &c., in the hope that he'll return, " Oh, if you
want sheets, here you are,'' and jump out and give me some
out of his cupboard. He does not seem to be particularly
struck with the ingenuity of the idea, and again, more feebly
than before, replies '" Yes."

Hang it, I think he might do somethitig. I am angr)*, I
can't help it. I go back to the sitting-room. Broad day-
light. I might sit up till Rawiinson, or the red man, rises,
and then go to bed. The sofa is a hard horse-hair one.
Suddenly I become determined. I'll go to a hotel, and then
write to Willis, and complain. Complain ? of what ? Some-
thing's too bad of somebody, but who's to blame.^ I'll have
it out to-monow morning. Go to bedroom to get portman-
teau. Red man has locked his door to prevent intrusion.
IMy night things are in the portmanteau. I tell him this
through the door. He won't hear. I thump. No. I
anathematise the servant at home, who didn't pack up my
things in my bag, as I told her.

Happy Thought. — Write down instructions in future.
Anathematise Rawiinson, Red Man, Willis, everj-body.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 37

Descend stairs \vith bag. Feel reckless ; don't care whom I
wake now. Landlady, maid, lodgers, anybody. " Confound

'em! they're all sleeping comfortably, while I " I bang

the bag down in the passage, and open the door. Where's
a cab ? All gone home. There's one up in Regent Street,
crawling. I don't care what noise I make nouii. " Hallo !
Hi ! Cab 1 here ! " As I put my bag in the cab, it occurs to
me that this looks uncommonly like having robbed the plate
chest, and coming away with the contents.

"Where to. Sir ? " I think. I've only once been to a hotel
in town. Morley's. Stop ; on second thoughts, ]Morley's
wouldn't like being rung up at this time. A railway hotel is
the place where they're accustomed to it.

Happy Thoi^ght. — Charing Cross, where the Foreign Mail
trains come in. Always up and awake there, and suppers,
and Boots, and Chambermaids, all alive at night as well as
by day.

Happy Thought. — Much better, after all, to go to a hotel
than to Willis's. Here we are. How sleepy I am. Dis-
charge cab. How sleepy the night porter is. Everything
gigantic and gloomy. Large hall, large staircase, large
passages, small porter with small chamber-candle. A doubt
crosses my mind, and I wish I hadn't discharged the cab.
" Can I have a bed here?" "Yes," says the porter, with a
sort of reluctance which I attribute to his sleepiness. He
then consults a mystic board, and 1 find I can be accommo-
dated with Number Three Hundred and Seventv Five.

38 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

HapPy Thought. — Go up by the Lift. Rather fun.

Answer : No hft at night. Should hke a soda-and-brandy,
I say. Not that I want it, but to give him to understand
that I am not an outcast, to be placed in Number Three
Hundred and Seventy Five, five stories high. No other
room ? No.

Happy Thought. — "Not got one on the First Floor?"'
This also is to give him an idea of my importance. I am
not a bale of goods, to be shoved up into Number Three
Hundred and Seventy Five. I have an idea that rooms on
the First Floor are about two guineas a day, and (I fancy)
are let out in suites to Ambassadors, or distinguished
Foreigners.

Happy Thought. — Ambassadors have their rooms for
nothing. Paid for by their Government. Wish I could say
I was an Ambassador. Milburd would have done it. There
is no brandy and soda out. He can give me some, he says,
when the bar opens, about three hours hence. Idiot! Will
he bring up my bag 1 No ; the house-porter will do that.
He communicates with the house-porter through a pipe in a
hole. He tells me to go up-stairs as far as I can, and I shall
-meet the house-porter with my bag.

I go up the grand staircase. As I ascend, I think of
pictures of staircases in the Illustrated London News, and
people going up them. Look down long corridors. All sorts
of boots out : keeping guard before the doors. Like a prison
on the silent system : the prisoners having put their boots

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 39

out. On the landing of last staircase I meet the house-porter
with my bag. He leads me (gaoler and prisoner — gaoler
carrying bag full of stolen property) down one corridor, up
another, through a third, up small stairs, into a fourth cor-
ridor smaller than the previous ones. We come suddenly
upon Number Three Hundred and Seventy-Five. He has a
key ready : the door is opened : bang goes my bag on to a
stand. I walk forward towards glass, examine myself leisurely,
debate, will give my orders to the Boots, and, take it, gene-
rally, very easily, having arrived at a haven of rest.

Happy Thonghf. — A haven where I wouldn't be.

Happy Thought. — To be called at ten, and have a cup of
tea brought. He will be good enough to open my bag, and
put out my things. I like a hotel, because you are waited on
so beautifully : much better than at home.

Before I can turn (quite leisurely, and with something of
a '• swagger," just to show him that though I am up in
Number Three Hundred and Seventy-Five, / oughtn't to
^^)— before I can turn to give my orders, the house-porter
has gone, without — confound him 1 — without undoing a
single strap.

Happy, but very angry Thought. — To ring, and show him
I will be attended to. My hand is on the bell. I pause.
On second thoughts, 111 pitch into him to-morrow morning.
Go to bed now. Let me see — take my note-book to bed,
and make mems for to-morrow. Roval Academv to-morrow

^o MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — After night's fitful fever he sleeps weH,
He went away (house-porter did, I mean) without my telling
him when I want to be called. Doesn't matter. Call my-
self, and ring the bell v\ hen I awake, to call him and pitch
into him. Wish I'd got all my regular night things. Know
I shall ca.tch cold.

CHAPTER VI.

THE DREAM — HOTEL BELLS— LETTERS — NOTES— HEROES —
HOTEL PROVERB — TUPPER AND SOLOMON — ACADEMY
— SUGGESTIONS — PLANS.

WAKE up in the Hotel apparently in the middle of
a dream.

H(-ppy TJioiight {on the instant). — To note it.
as it seems a connected story. My dream. {Example oj
Connected Dreams for Typical Developments, Vol. IX. ch. ii.,
par. 3, under '' D," /or Dreams, i. e. Dreams ofallXations?[ I
thought Lord Westbur)- came up to me, somewhere in a
room or a garden, took me aside and said something to the
effect that '• his real name was Sarsaparilla."' I don't think
I was surprised at the announcement, or perhaps I hadn't
time to express any astonishment, as immediately afterwards
I was attempting to creep on all-fours under a kitchen-table
which some one (I don't know who it was as I didn't see him)
said was a Monastery for Little Boys. Then immediately, I
seemed to be in India, about to be executed for insurbor-
dination to a General who was crying. I didn't know
any of the officers except Boodels, who was explaining to
me the principle of the guillotine. I replied to some one

42 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

(to Boodels, I fancy) that I must write home to ask per-
mission. But for what I don't know, unless I meant per-
mission to be executed. The dream, at this point, became
confused, and by the way, on looking over the above notes it
doesn't seem so clearly connected as it had at first appeared.
I am sure there are some missing links which have escaped
my memon.-. Ill think of them during the day and put
them down. My impression about the insurbordination in
India and the guillotine is so vivid, that I am really quite
glad to find myself in the Hotel bed.

Happy Thought. — Ring the bell and order cup of tea, to
thoroughly wake me. First, to jiiid the bell. It's generally,
in hotels, near the bed. No it isn't. Or above my head.
No.

Happy Thought. {B7-illiant in fact.) — To trace position
of bell-handle by following the wires at the top of the room.
I should have made a good detective. There are no wires.
I sit up in bed and then observe that the bell-handles are
on either side of the fireplace : as if it was a dining-room.
It's absurd to have a bed-room like a dining-room : the
architect ought to have known better. By the way, is it the
architects business I Curious how ignorant one is on these
really common subjects. I never thought of it before, but
now I do consider the matter, it appears to ?ne that the
architect manages the outside of the building — its archi-
tectural part — and has nothing to do with the inside. Then
who does the stairs ? and the doors ? Carpenters and

I^IORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 43

upholsterers ? I wish I had a dictionary here, I'd look out
wha.t/(7cade means, as I hiow it's the architect's business to
attend to that. Odd, now I think of it again, I do believe
I've left out Architecture under A, in Typical Developments^
Vol. II. However I shall show the publishers only Vol. /.,
which is complete up to Abstractions. Get up and ring the
bell. Get into bed again. Delightful to tJiink in bed. To
lie and think : then take note-book and jot something down.
Jot down my arrangements for the day. ist. Get up.
Wash and dress. Need hardly put that down, but I will.
There's nothing like regularity in details. 2nd. Have
breakfast^ ^c. Start a separate heading. Letters to write.
By the way they haven't answered that bell. Out of bed to
ring again. Jump in once more. Quite exercise. Jot on.
Letter to Boodels. I've got lots to wTite, I know, but can't
think just now to whom. One to Willis about his bed and
the stranger Grainger in it. That's all. No. One to my
wife. Forgot that. What can I say 1

HapPy Thought. — Musn't say " I'm enjoying myself very
much in London." Will write. '" Horrid place, London this
time of year." {Happy Thought: Height of the Season.)
" Wish I was back home in our cottage. But can't : business
with publisher — most important. Kiss baby for me. Love
to Mamma" (I mean Mrs. Symperson, my mother-in-law.
Must shove in that). Ring the bell again. That's the third
time.

Happy Thought, {for letter to my wife) to throw in

44 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

pathetically, " The longer I stay away the more I am
convinced there is no place like home." This will be a sort
of apolog}' for my staying away ever so long now, perhaps
including going to Jersey, and Prussia to see Count de
Bootjack. Looking at the sentence in two ways, there is
one in which it isn't ver)- complimentary. "{Happy Thought.
— Look at it in the other way. Wife will, I hope.] Finish
up letter with, '■' There is no news here."' (Where ? I don't
exactly know. Epistolary Conventionalities. Good title for
handy book. Suggest it to publisher. Wonder v.-hether
he'll '"'jump at it.") Finish with '"'I am, dearest Friddy"

(short for Fridoline) " your ever affectionate husband "

By the way, why sign my Christian and surname to my
wife ? (Ring the bell again. That's the fourth time. I
suppose I am so out of the way they don't care about me in
Number Three Hundred and Seventy-Five. Too bad:
because what should I do in case of fire ? Ah well, p'raps
one would hardly want a bell then, except to ring and order
a cab. Say, for instance, " There's a fire here : so I shan't
stay any longer. Get me a cab." Back to bed for the
fourth time. That's eight jumps in and out, and the room
crossed eight times : walk before breakfast.) To resume.
Why should I sign any name to my wife's letter.^ Odd I've
always done it, but its absurdity never struck me till this
moment.

Happy Thought. — •' Your ever affectionate husband.^' Full
stop, and a dash to the final " d " of husband. This, as it
were, marks an era in letter-writing. I wish they'd answer

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 45

the bell. Fifth time of jumping out and in and ringing.
Pause: no answer. Sixth time. Enter Maid suddenly,
*'Did you rang. Sir?" Yes, I did rang, I answer crossly.
Can't help being cross — she's an elderly woman of the very
plainest pattern. \Xote for Typical DevelopvieJits : Physic-
gno7ny : Effect on Persoiis?^ I complain. Rang ten times:
exaggeration pardonable. She never heard the bell — it's not
Jicr landing. " Then why did she come .' " I feel imme-
diately afterwards that this question is ungrateful. What
did I v,-ant ? Well — I — (my mem^ory is so treacherous.
Odd. For the moment I've quite forgotten what I had
been ringing six times for ? )

Happy Thought. — Oh, please take clothes and boots, and
brush 'em. " Here they are. Sir, outside." Ah, taken while
I was asleep. Oh, (as she is leaving the room) I know :
Tea and a bath. She understands me and retires. Note
down what else Fve got to do to-day. Do the Royal
Academy.

Happy Thought. — Get up, and go early. It takes me a
long time getting up. Wish I could do what heroes in
novels do. Their toilet never takes them more than a few
minutes. "Ten minutes sufficed him to complete his toilet,
and then hurr}-ing down the stairs he met," &c., &:c., cr
" To jump from the rude couch, and to buckle on his
armour, was with Sir Reginald the work of a few seconds.
When fully accoutred he descended the steps and found
Lady Eveline on the Terrace," tS:c., &c. I should like to

46 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

fill this out ( *' Come in ! " to Boots, with bath) with details.
'•' To jump from the bed, look in the glass, brush his hair,
blow his nose, wash his face and hands, tub himself, brush
his teeth, put on a clean shirt of mail, get a button sewn on
behind, ask for a clean pocket-handkerchief, and have his
armour brushed and polished, was with Sir Reginald the
work of fewer seconds than it has taken me to write this."

Happy Thought. — After breakfast tell Boots to pack up
bag, bring it down, and I'll call for it in the course of the
day. Ver\- Happy Thought, because by this means I don't
have to lug it about town. 'By the way, where am I going
to sleep to-night ? At Willis's, if Grainger's gone : call and
see). I don't have to pack it myself, and I fetch it without
any ostentation. Without ostentation means that ten to one
against this particular Boots being in the Charing Cross
Hall, and so I shan't have to tip him. Don't deserve tips for
not answering bells. Almost a proverb this — "Who answers
no bells, gets no Tips."

Happy Thought. — Compose a book of ne^tu Proverbs.
Offer this to a publisher who'll jump at it. What a lot of
things I shall have to offer to the publisher when I go with
Vol. I. of Typical Developments .' Might make a fortune if
he only goes on jumping. '• New Proverbs " is a first rate
notion. Stop, though — isn't it rather sacrilegious ? (That
isn't the word I want, but, I mean, isn't it rather treading on
Solomon's ground?; Wouldn't do this for anything. By
the way, didn't Tupper ? That's rather against it. But

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 47

mine's a totally different notion. " New Proverbs," \vith
the celebrated motto, " Let who will, write their songs, give
me the composition of their proverbs," or words to that
effect. Mejii. Find out who said this, and when : date (Sec.)

Dressed and breakfasted. Now to the Academy.

Af the Royal Academy. Early. Very early. No one there.
Up the steps into the hall. Not a soul. No one to take the
money. Perhaps they've abolished payments. Good that.
So gloomy, I'm quite depressed. See a policeman. He
reminds me that — of course — how idiotic I — the Royal
Academy has gone to Piccadilly, and here I am in the old
Trafalgar Square place.

Happy Thought. — Take a cab to the New Academy.

Ah, nice new place ! Inscription over the entrance all on
one side. Leave my stick, and take a catalogue. Hate a
catalogue : why can't they put the names on the pictures,
and charge extra for entrance ? I know that there used to
be a North and a South and an East and a West room in
the old place.

Happy Thought. — Make a plan for seeing the rooms in
order. Go back, and buy a pencil. I'll begin with the
North, then to the East, then to the West, and so on.

CHAPTEPv VII.

AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY — THE CATALOGUE — CRUSH —
WORKING OUT A FLAX — " XO. 214" — MISS MILLAR —
A COMPLIMEXT — POETRY — RELATIOXS-IX-LA\V — A
SURPRISE— DISCOMFITURE.

I^^'H

E CataWue, on reference to it, is, I fin

iJ^.'^i divided into galleries all numbered.

Happy Thought. — Take Number One first,

and so on. in order. Where is Number One? I find myself
opposite 214. I won't look to see what it is, as I want to
begin with Number One. This I ascertain by the Catalogue
is Galleiy No. \\ .. and the picture is Landing Herrings.
By C. Taylor. Go into another Caller)-. 336. The Xu7'sling
Donkey. A. Hughes. Oh, this is Gallery No. \\. Retrace
my steps to another. Let ,me see : think I've been here
before. Have I seen that picture ? V»liat I want is Number
One. What number is that I Oh. 214. Landing Herrings
again, of course. To another room. Now then. Old men
talking. Can't help stopping before this picturq, though
I want to go on to Number One. This is 137. Politicians.
T. Webster, R.A. Capital. But this is Gallery No. III.
People are crowding in now. Nuisance. Wedged in. Beg

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 49

pardon. Somebody's elbowing my back. Big lady stops
the way. Beg pardon. Thanks. Squeeze by.

In another Room. I hope Number One this time. 429.
Soonabharr. J. Griffiths, Gallen.- Xo. \\\. Bother Soon-
abharr ! Try back again.

Beg pardon several times for toes and elbows. Xo one
begs my pardon. Irritating place the Royal Academy, when
you can't get a settled place. Where is Number One 't
Beg pardon, bow, bend, toes, elbows, push, squeeze, and I'm
in another room. Hot work.

Happy Thought. — Watch old lady in chair. When she
goes I will sit down. Getting a seat is quite a game : like
Puss in the Corner. She does go at last, and, though elbowed,
hit, trodden upon, backed upon, and pushed, I've never
moved. I sit. Xow then to take it coolly. Where am I ?
What's- that just opposite? Have I seen it before? 214.
La7iding Herrings. C. Taylor. Gallery Xo. I\'. That's
the third time I've seen the picture.

Happy Thought. — To look out in Catalogue for what is
Number One. Number One is Topsy, Wasp, Sailor, and
Master Turvey, p?-oteges of James Farrer, Esq., of Ingle-
borough. A. D. Cooper. Wonder what that means? He
might have called it Topsy IVopsy ^ Co. Funny that. As
I am being funny all to myself, I see two ladies whom I
know. Miss Millar and her Mamma.

Happy Thought. — Offer Mamma a seat, and walk with

50 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

rvliss Millar. OpportuPxity for artistic conversation. Clever
girl, Miss Millar, and pretty. '• Do I like pictures ? '' Yes I
do, I answer, with a reservation of '"Some — not all."' '"Have
I been here before?"' I've not. Pause. Say, "It's very
warm, though." (Why --though"? Consider this.) Miss
Millar, looking at a picture, wants to know '• Whose that is ? "
I say, off-hand, (one really ought to know an artist's style
without referring to the Catalogue,^ '* Millais." I add, "I
think."" J refer to Catalogue. It isn"t. We both say, '' Very
hke him, though.'"'

^liss Millar observes there are some pretty faces on the
walls.

Happy Thought. — To say, •• Not so pretty as those off it."
I don't say this at once, because it doesn't appear to me
at the moment well arranged as a compliment : and, as it
would sound flat a fev.- minutes afterwards, I don't say it
at all. Stupid of me. Reserve it. It will come in again for
somebody else, or for when Miss r^Iillar gives me another
opportunity.

Portrait of a Lady. — The opportunity. I think. Don't

I admire that? ''Not so much as " If I say, "As

you,"' it's too coarse, and, in fact, not wrapped up enough.
She asks — '• As what ? "■" I refer to Catalogue, and reply,
at a venture, ■- As Storey's Sister.'^ Miss Millar wants to
know who she is ? I explain — a picture of '" Sister.;' by
G. A. Storey.

We are opposite 428, Sighing his Soul into his Ladfs
Face. Calderon. We both sav, '• Beautiful I" I sav.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 51

•• How delightful to pass a day like that ! '" Miss Millar
thinks, with a laugh, that it's rather too spooney. (Don't
like " spooney '" to be used by a girl.} '• Spooney I " I say.

Happy Thought. — Opportunity for quoting a poetical de-
scription out of Typical Developments, just to see how it
goes. If it doesn't go with Miss Millar, cut it out, or
publisher won't jump. I say, " See this lovely glade, this
sloping bank, the trees drooping o'er the stream, which on
its bosom carries these two lovers, who know no more of their
future than does the drifting stream on which they float.''
She observes, '• That is really a poetic description I Do you
like rowing ? •' Yes, I do, and

Happy Thought.— W o'dldn'i it be nice to have a pic-nic
up the river? Miss Millar says, ''Oh do." She knows some
girls who will go. I reply I know some men who will be
delighted: only she (Miss Millar" must let me chaperon her
for the day. (This with an arch look : rather telling, I think.
Couldn't have done it so well before I was married. Being
married, of course there's no harm in it.' '• Oh yes," she
replies, "of course." Wonder if she means what she is
saying. I ask what day? and take out my note-book. I

say, gently, " I shall look forward to "' Before I can

finish, I am suddenly aware of two girls and a boy (from
fourteen downwards,) very provincially dressed, rushing at
me with beaming faces, and the taller of the girls crying out
(the three positively shout — the uncouth wretches !) '" Oh,
Brother Wiggy!" (they all sa.y this,} seizes me round the

E 2

52 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

neck, jumps at me, and kisses me. The lesser one follows.
Same performance. I can't keep them off. They are my
^vife's youngest sisters and little brother just from school,
%vhom I used at one time foolishly to encourage. Friddy
told them about my song of the little Pig, and they always
(as a matter of endeaiTnent) call me "Brother Wigg^.-." I
shall write to my wife, or tell her when I get home, that her
family must really be kept quiet. I can't stand it. I smile,
and look pleased (everyone is turning to observe me except
]Miss Millar, who pretends to be absorbed in a picture,) and
say, "Ah, Betty 1 ah, Polly! how d'ye do .^ When did you
come up ? "

Happy Thought. — When are you going back again ? Give
them half-a-crown to go to the refreshment-room, and eat
buns and ices. They go. IMiss ^lillar has found her
]\Iamma, and gone into another room. Hang those little
S}Tnpersons. Somebody treads on my toes, I will not beg
his pardon. I am vcTy angr}-. Somebody nearly knocks
my hat off pointing out a picture to a friend. He doesn't
beg my pardon. Rude people come to the Academy. I'll
be rude. I'll hit some one in the ribs when I want to
change my position, I'll tread on toes, and say nothing
about it. Veiy tall people oughtn't to be allowed in the
Academy.

Happy Thought. — Walk between tall person and pictures,
rvlust be rude at the Academy, or one will never see any

pictures at all — at least, close to.

MORE HAPPY THOUGPITS. 53

A hit, really a blow, in my side. I turn savagely, '' Con-
found it, Sir "

It's that donkey Milburd, who introduces a tall young
friend as Mr. Dilbur)-. ''What picture do you particularly
want to see?" asks Milburd. I tell him number One.
Dilbur}' will show me.

" But first," says Dilbur)-, taking me by the arm, '• here's
rather a good bit of colour." He is evidently a critic, and
walks me up in front of a picture. '" There ! "•" says Dilbur)-. '

I refer to Catalogue. Oh, of course

214. Landing Herrings, C, Taylor, for the fifth time. I
tell him I know it. and so we pass on.

CHAPTER VIII.

DILBURV, A.R.A.— HIS PICTURE— MEETINGS — GREETINGS
— LAMPADEPHORIA — '' WE MET " — AN INTRODUCTION.

T^^^^^il ILBURY takes me to see Eagles Attacked. By
^r^i^R' Sir Edwin Landseer. We stand opposite the
f^f^M picture in front of several people : we are silent.
^^^^'^'^^^l Dilbury says presently, '' Eine picture that?"' I
agree with Dilbury. V/onder where Sir Edwin was when he
saw it. I don't see how he could have imagined it, because,
from what one knows of eagles and swans, it is about the
last thing I should have thought of. Perhaps it occurred to
him as a Happy Thought. But what suggested it } I put it
to Dilbury.

'' The Serpentine, perhaps," Dilbury thinks, adding after-
wards, '' and a walk in the Zoo."'

Dilbury tells me that that is how subjects suggest them-
selves to him. From which I gather that Dilbur)- is an
artist. I don't like to ask him, "• Do you paint 't '' as he may
be some very well known painter.

He says, *' I'll show you a little thing I think you'll like."
He takes me by the elbow, and evidently knowing the
Academy by heart, bumps, shoves, and pushes me at a sharp
pace through the crowd. Dilbury has an awkward way of
stopping one suddenly in a sharp walk to draw one's atten-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 55

tion to something or somebody, that has attracted him—
generally, a pretty face.

" I say," says he, after two bumps and a shove have
brought us just into the doorway of Gallery Xo. III.,
" There's a deuced pretty girl, eh ? "

Before I have time to note Avhich girl he means, he is off
again with me by the elbow. Bump to the right, shove to the
left, over somebody^s toes, and through a knot of people into
Galler}- IV. Stop suddenly. Hey what } '• There's a rum
old bird," says Dilbury, winking slily, "in Eastern dress, he'd
make a first-rate model for my new picture ; sacred subject.
Methusaleh Coniifig of Age in the Olden time, \\'onder if
he'd sit .= -•'

Happy Thought. — To say, jestingly, '•' I wish I could,"'
meaning sit down, no\i\

Dilbury is rejoiced. Would I sit to him "t He is giving
his mind to sacred subjects, and is going to bring out Balaam
and Balak. Would I give him a sitting, say for Balak?
Milburd has promised him one for Balaam, unless I'd like to
take Balaam. (As he pronounces this name Baa-lamb, I
don't at first catch his meaning.) I promise to think of it.
He gives me his address.

Happy Thought. — Have my portrait taken. Not as
Balaam, as myself Settle it with Dilbur}-. He'll paint it
this year, and exhibit it next. Milburd, who happens to
come upon us at this moment, suggests showing it at a
shilling a head in Bond Street, as a sensation picture.

56 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

" 111 be with him," says Milburd, "as Balaam (you've pro-
mised me that), and he shall be the ' ' "'

I know what he's going to say, and move off with Dilbun-
before he's finished. Milburd i^'ill talk so loud. He's so
vain, too : does it all for applause from strangers. I saw
some people laughing about Balaam. Hope the little Sym-
persons have gone. As we are squeezing through the door,
we come upon Mrs. and Miss Millar again. Meeting for the
third time, I don"t know what to do.

Happy Thought. — Safest thing to smile and take off my
hat. Miss Millar acknowledges it gravely. Pity people
can't be hearty. She might have tv.inkled up and nodded.

Dilbury points out a picture to me. A large one.
■■ Yours ? " I ask.

Happy Thought. — To make sure of this before I say any-
thing about it. He nods yes, and looks about to see whether
any one is listening. I suppose he expects that if it got
about that he was here he'd be seized and carried in proces-
sion round the galleries on the shoulders of exulting multi-
tudes. However, there is no one near the picture ("which"
he complains •" is very badly hung '■; and consequently no
demonstration.

'■' Good subject, eh r •■ he asks me. '' Yes, ver)'," I answer,
wishing I'd asked him first what it was, or had referred to
the Catalogue. It is classical, evidently ; that is, judging
from the costume, what there is of it. I tr}- to find out
quietly in the Catalogue.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 57

Dilbury says, '• You see what it is, of course ? '' Well — I —
I — I in fact, don't, — that is, not quite.

'• Well,'"' he replies, in a tone implying that I am sure to
recognise it when I hear it, " it's Prometheus Instituting the
LainpadephoriaP To which I say, " Oh, yes, of course.
Prometheus vinctus^'' and look at the number to see how he
spells it. I compliment him. X^xy fine effect of light and
shade. In fact, it's all light and shade, representing a lot of
Corinthians (he says it's in Corinth) running about with red
torches. Dilbury points out to me the beauties of the
picture. He says it wants a week's study. He informs me
that it was taken on the spot, and that his models were " the
genuine thing."

Happy Thought. — To say, " I could stop and look at this
for an age," then take out my watch.

"You can come back again to it,'' observes Dilbury, seizing
my elbow again.

rvleet Mrs. and Miss Millar again. Awkward. Don't
know whether to bow or smile, or nod, or what this time. I
say, as we pass, '' Not gone yet ? '' I don't think she likes it.
I didn't say it as I should like to have said it, or as I would
have said it, if I had the opportunity over again. I daresay
it sounded rude.

Dilbury stops me suddenly Avith, " Pretty face that, eh .^ "
and looks back at Miss Millar. ^Vhereupon I rejoin,
" Hush ! I know them." Dilbury immediately wishes to be
introduced. I will, as an Academician, and his picture, too.
We go back after them. We struggle towards them : we are

58 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

all jammed up in a crowd together. I hear something crack.
I become aware of treading on somebody's dress. It is Miss
Millars. I beg her pardon. " I hope I "'

Happy Thought. — '• We met : 'twas in a crowd." Old
song.

I say this so as to give a pleasant turn to the apology and
the introduction. I don't think Miss Millar is a good-
tempered girl. Somebody is nudging me in the back, and
somebody else is wedging me in on either side. As she is
almost swept away from me by one current, and I from her
by another, I say, hurriedly, " iVliss Millar, let me introduce
my friend, Mr. Dilbun,' — an Academician.'' She tries to
stop : I turn, and lay hold of someone who ought to be
Dilbur)-, in order to bring him forward. It isn't Uilbur>' at
all, but some one else — a perfect stranger, who is very angry,
and wants to kick or hit — 1 don't know which (but he can't,
on account of the crowd;, and I am carried on, begging Miss
Millar's pardon and his pardon, and remonstrating with a
stout, bald-headed man in front, who w/// get in the way.

Happy Thought. — Get out of this as quickly as possible.

Getting out again. Lost my Catalogue. Meet Milburd.
I ask him what's that picture, alluding to one with a lot of
people in scant drapery in an oriental apartment. He replies,
" Portraits of members of the Garrick Club taking a Turkish
bath." It is No. 277. It simply can't be. Besides there
are ladies present. Milburd pretends to be annoyed, and
savs, I needn't believe it unless I like.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 59

Must go to Willis's : see about sleeping to-night, luggage,
dinner, and a lot of things.

Happy Thought. — Have my hair cut. Have an ice first.
Leave the Academv.

CHAPTER IX.

WILLIS'S AGAIN— POPGOOD AND GROOLLY — EPISTOLARY-
CALCULATION — A SNEEZE — MINUS A BUTTON — IN-
EQUALITY— BOODELS.

LOOK in at Willis's. Grainger (the stranger) has
gone. Rawlinson says, " if I like to stop here, and
use Willis's bed, I can.*' I will. Rawlinson wants
U to know what I'm going to do this evening.

Happy Thought. — Don't know — dine with hhn, if he
likes.

'• He won't do that," he says, '" but will meet me anywhere
afterwards.'' Go to Club. Ask for letters : two : -one from
my wife. Keep that until I've opened this envelope with
the names of Messrs. Popgood and Groolly, Ludgate, the
eminent publishers, stamped on the seal.

Popgood and GrooUy have jumped at Typical Develop-
jnentsj at least, in answer to a letter of mine, with an
introduction from Boodels' second cousin, '• they will be glad
if I will favour them with an early call." An early call, say
six in the morning. Popgood and Groolly in bed. Popgood
in one room, Groolly in another, myself in a room between
the two, reading aloud \'ol. I. of Typical Developments. I

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 6i

say this to a friend in the Club, as I must talk to some one
on the subject, being in high spirits.

Must look over the MS. and see it's all in order to-night.
Better read some of it out loud to myself, for practice, or tr\-
passages on Rawlinson when he comes in in the evening.

Happy Thought. — If I asked Rawlinson to dine with me,
he couldn't ver\- well help listening to it afterwards.

Open Friddy's letter. She says, '• Baby's got another rash ;
her Mamma advises change of air — sea-side. How long am
I going to be away ? Why don't I write ? She is not ver\-
wel]. Now I am in town I must call on Uncle and Aunt
Benson, who have complained to my mother of my neglecting
them. ]\Iy mother (the letter goes on to say) was down here
the other day, and cried about it a good deal. Her Mamma
(my wife's, my mother-in-law, Mrs. Symperson) sends her
love, and will I call and pay Fribsby's bill for her, to save
her coming up to town. Fribsby, the Jeweller, in Bond
Street."

Write by return ; dash the letter off to show how busy I
am : —

Dear Friddy, —

Full of business just now. Popgood and Groolly,
the great Publishers, are going to buy Typical Developments.,
I'm going to see them to-morrow. Love to ever}-one. Poor
Baby ! Will see about Uncle.

Your affectionate Husband, in haste.

P.S. Going to have my portrait done by Dilbun.-, A.R.A,

62 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Letter sent. Send to Messrs. Popgood and Groolly to say
Fm coming to-morrow ? or shall I take them by surprise ?

After some consideration I think I'd better take them by
surprise. Having nothing to do this afternoon — (I feel as if
I had dismissed ever\thing from my mind by having sent
that letter to my wife, saying, '"'how full of business I am just
now,"; — I will stroll towards Belgravia and call on Uncle
and Aunt Benson.

Happy Thought. — Take Rotten Row and the drive on my
way.

After the Popgood-and- Groolly letter I feel that I have, as
it were, a place in the world. My mother and Uncle and
Aunt Benson have always wanted me to take up a profes-
sion; especially since my marriage. Friddy agrees with
them. Well, here is a profession. Literature. Commence
with Typ. De^'eL, Vol L Say that runs to fifteen editions ;
say it's a thousand pounds for each edition, and a thousand
for each volume ; there will be at least fifty volumes, that's
fifty thousand; then fifteen times fifty is seven hundred and
fiftv, that is, seven hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Say
it takes me ten years to complete the work, then that's
seventv-five thousand pounds a year. I stop to make this
calculation in my pocket-book. A sneeze suddenly takes
me : I haven't got a cold at all, but it shakes me violently,
and I feel that a button has gone somewhere. The back
button to my collar, I think : as I fancy I feel it wriggling
up. I really thought when one was married all these things
would have been kept in proper order.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 63

Happy Thought. — Might stop somewhere, and ask them
to sew on a button.

Where .' Pastrycook's. Shall I ? I look into the windovr
at a jelly, and think how I shall manage it. I, as it were,
rehearse the scene in my mind. Suppose I enter. Sup-
pose I say to girl at counter, I'll take an ice : strawberry-,
if you please ; and, oh by the way, (as if I hadn't come
in for this at all) have you got such a thing as a button
about you which you could kindly sew on for me ? Think
I'd better not. It might look odd. Or go into a haber-
dasher's. Buy gloves : only I don't want gloves, and
that'll be four-and-sixpence for having a button sewn
on.

I feci the collar is wriggling up, and has got over my
waistcoat. I seem to be wrong all over. There's a sort of
sympathy in my clothes. On looking down (I'd not noticed
it before) I see that one trouser leg is shorter than the other.
I mentioned this about the last pair to my tailor. I par-
ticularly told him not to make one leg longer than the other.
It's his great fault. After three days" wear one leg always
becomes shorter than the other.

HapPy Thought. — Can rectify it by standing before a shop
window, pretending to look in, unbutton my waistcoat, and
adjust braces.

Much the same difficulty about braces as about my
stirrups in riding.

Somebody seizes my arm suddenly, and turns me round.
I face Boodels, an elderly gentleman and two ladies, very

64 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

fashionably dressed, to whom, he says, he wants to introduce
me.

Horridly annoying ; my shirt-collar is up round my neck,
my waistcoat is open, and in twisting me round (so thought-
less of Boodels !) the lower part of the brace is broken.
Awkward. I can't explain that it's only my braces, because
that would sound as if it wasn't. Boodels says they've
been longing for an introduction. Well, now they've got it.
The Elderly Gentleman (I don't catch any of their names)
shakes hands with me, (I have to disengage my hand
for him.) and says with a smile, '' I have heard a great deal
of you, Sir. I am told you are a very humorous person."'

Happy Thought. — To say, '• Oh, no, not at all.''

What a stupid remark for him to make. I couldn't answer,
"Yes, Sir, I am very humorous." A gloom falls over the
party after this, and we walk silently down Piccadilly. I
can't help thinking how disappointed they must be in me as
a ver}' humorous person. Then Boodels shouldn't have led
them to expect it. I'll have a row with him afterwards.

When 1 turn to speak to the young lady (rather handsome
and tall; my collar turns too, and seems to come up very much
on one side. 1 should like to be brilliant — and humorous —
now. The result is that I ask her (round my collar, which I
pull down to enable me to speak comfortably) if she is making
any stay in town ? which, on the whole, is not particularly
brilliant, or humorous.

She replies, " No," and leaves the rest to me.

The Elderly Gentleman (her papa, 1 fancy) on the other

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 63

side repeats "We've heard of you" — this v.-ith almost a
chuckle of triumph, as if he'd caught me at last — '' We've
heard of you as a very humorous person.''

I return " Indeed,"' and we proceed in silence up to Apsley
House. They're silent, not liking (as Boodels tells me
afterwards) to speak, for fear I should satirically laugh at
them, and also to hear some witty remarks from me.

Happy Thought [by Park Gate). — ^'er^• sorry, must leave ;
got to go in the opposite direction. Should like to say some-
thing humorous at parting, but can't. Say Good-bye, and
look as humorous as possible.

CHAPTER X.

RAWLIXSOX — IMPORTANT QUESTION — UNINTERESTED
FRIEND — REVISION OF MS. — TO THE PUBLISHERS —
COSTUME — QUERY SPECTACLES — THE OFFICE — POP-
GOOD AND GROOLLY INTERVIEWED.

ILLIS not returned, so use his bed. I awake
to the fact that it is the day for Popgood and
Groolly, and Typical Developments.

Rawhnson is down to breakfast about a
quarter of an hour before I am. He always ivill come down
a quarter of an hour before I do, and then he begins break-
fast without telling me he is there — A\-hich is unsociable, as I
now know him well enough to tell him. Apparently his
object in being first at breakfast is to get hold of the Tijnes,
which he keeps until five minutes before the boy calls for it
(it is only hired) and then asks me if " I'd like to see it,"
though, he adds, " there's nothing particular in it this morn-
ing."

The important question to me now is how shall I appear
before Popgood and Groolly ? I mean, how dressed ? I've
never called on a pubhsher, or a pair of publishers before,
and the difficulty (I put it thus to Rawlinson) is, should one
be shabbily dressed to give them an idea of poverty (starving

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 67

author, children in attic. Grub Street, &c., Szc, of which one
has heard so much) or should I go in the height of fashion,
so as to appear independent ? Rawlinson doesn't take his
eyes off the newspaper but smiles, and replies, " Ah, yes,
that's the question."

HapPy Thought. — To interest him personally, and get
his advice by saying, "What would jv/^ do if you vrere in my
position ? ''

He looks up from his paper for a second or so, vaguely, and
after answering, " that he doesn't precisely know," resumes
his perusal.

Happy Thought. — To express an opinion, so as to get him
to differ from me. and then the subject will have the benefit
of a discussion. I say, '• I should think one ought to go
dressed well, eh ? "

Rawlinson (without taking his attention from the Times)
replies, " Oh, yes, decidedly."'

I don't know him sufficiently well to express my annoyance
at his selfishness in not going into the matter thoroughly with
me. He is selfish, ver}-, I took him to dine at my Club
with me, in order that on returning to his rooms together he
might listen to me reading my ^vIS. aloud, as a sort of
rehearsal for Popgood and Groolly, but he picked up two
friends on the road, and whispering to me, " You'd hke to
know those fellows, one plays the piano very well," he brought
them in, and they stayed in his and Willis's rooms, singing,
playing and smoking, until past three in the morning, and

68 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

in fact I still heard them roaring Avith laughter' after I had
gone to bed.

Rawlinson says this morning, apologetically, that he's sorry
those fellows stopped so confoundedly late, as he had missed
hearing part of my Typical Developments, which he had hoped
I would have read to him.

I say, " Oh, it doesn't matter," but I shan't give a friend
a dinner at the Club again in order to secure his attent:ion
afterwards.

He adds presently and still apologetically, that he should
so much have liked to have heard me read some of my
best passages to him now, after breakfast, if it hadn'i
been that he is obliged to go down to the Temple this
morning.

As I should really like to try some of it before appearing
before Popgood and Groolly, I ask him at what hour he must
be at the Temple, as there would be, probably, plenty of time
for him to hear something of it at all events.

Rawlinson looks at the clock, and says regretfully, " Ah,
I'm afraid I must be off immediately," and proceeds at once
to look for his umbrella and brush his hat.

Happy Thought. — To bring my MS. out of my bag and
commence at once on a passage with '• What do you think of
this?"

Rawlinson has his hat on, and his hand on the door-handle.
I read, '* On the various beari?igs of Philological Ethno-
graphy on Typical Development. The assimilation of
characteristic is perhaps, from our present point of view, one

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 69

of the most interesting studies of the present day." Mem
Must cut out the second '" present ; " tautology would quite
knock over Popgood and Grodlly.

Happy Thought. — Ask Rawlinson to lend me a pencil.

Very sorr)- he hasn't got one. I say " Just stop a minute.
while I erase the word : "' he looks at the clock again, and
observes, he's afraid he must

I tell him that listening to this passage won't take a second.

"In Central Africa the present " ver}' odd, another

" present ; " scratch it out : only having scratched it out, the
next word to it is " present " — can't make it out at all. I
pause and consider what I could have meant. I ask Raw-
linson to look at the word. What is it? '■'Pheasants., I
think," he says, '• but I can't stop now : hope to hear good
account of your interview with what's-his-name the pub-
lisher," and runs out of the room.

Happy Thought. — Must really read this through quietly,
and see it's all right before going to Popgood and Groolly.

"In Central Africa the Present presents an aspect not re-
markably dissimilar from his brother of the American States."
I see what I meant : for " Present " read " Peasant," and the
next word is a verb.

]My eye soon gets accustomed to my own writing, after
going carefully 'over several pages (there are a hundred and
fifty-two in this MS.), and I determine upon driving to Pop-
good and Groolly immediately.

Buy a pencil. Take a cab.

70 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — To appear (in the cab) opening and
reading my MS., and correcting with pencil. Anyone pass-
ing, who knows me, will point me out as up to my eyes in
literars- business. I wish I could have a placard on the cab,
with '' Going to call on Popgood and Groolly, the eminent
publishers, with Typical Dcrelopffienfs, Vol. I."' The result
of the dressing question is, that I am principally in black, as
if I had suddenly gone into half-mourning, or was going to
fight a duel with Popgood and Groolly.

Happy Thought. — Might buy a pair of spectacles. Looks
studious, and adds ten years' worth of respectable age to
the character. Perhaps I'd better not ; as if they found me
out afterwards, they'd think I'd been making a fool of
them.

We drive eastward, and pull up at the entrance of a narrow
street which has apparently no outlet. I pay Cabby, and enter
under an archway. I feel very nervous, and inclined to be
polite to everyone. ]>.Iy MS. seems to me quite in character
when in the neighbourhood of Fleet Street, though I couldn't
have walked up Regent Street with it on any account. I
think (encouragingly to myself) of Dr. Johnson, and Gold-
smith, and Mrs. Thrale, and Sir Joshua Reynolds, and then
of Smollett and Fielding, and I am saying to myself, " They
went to a publisher's for the first time once; " when I find
myself opposite a door on which is written " Popgood and
Groolly." I ascertain that this is not the only door with
their names on it. There are doors to the right, to the
left—

-SIORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 71

\_Happy Thought (don't know why it occurs nov\-, but
suppose I am nervous) —

" Doors to the right of me,
Doors to the left of me,
Rode the Six Hundred; "

only it wasn't ''doors'"' — it was '•'cannon" or "foes"] — and
on all the doors is " Popgood and GrooUy."

There is a great deal of noise from some quarter, as of
machinery' (not unlike the sounds you encounter on entering
the Polytechnic), and I deliberate as to which door I shall
enter by, I see, on a wall, a flourishing hand pointing up
some stone steps to '• Clerks' Office Up-Stairs."

Happy Thought, — Go up and see a clerk.

The passages are all deserted. They are divided into, it
seems, different rooms ; every room, has its ground-glass
window. Perhaps numbers of people can see me, though I
can't see them. Perhaps Popgood and Groolly are examining
me from somev.'here, and seeing what I'm like, and settling
how they'll deal with me.

Happy Thought, — To walk to the end of the passage, and
if I don't meet any one, come back again.

I do meet some one, hov.ever, — a clerk, bustling. He
inquires of me, hastily, '* Whom do you want. Sir ? " I reply,
" Well — " rather hesitatingly, as if I either didn't wish to
commit myself v\ith a subordinate, or hadn't an excuse at
hand for being in there at all, (By the way, I never knew
publishers had clerks. I had always thought that a publisher

72 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

was, as it were, a sort of Literar}- Judge or Critic, who said,
" Yes, ril print your book, and send it to the booksellers.''
Certainly varied experience enlarges the mind.) " Well," — I

continue my reply — '* I want to see Pop "' I check myself

in saying familiarly, Popgood and Groolly, and substitute,
'• Mr. Popgood or Mr. Groolly.'* The brisk clerk says,
*• This way,'" and I follow him into a small room, with a
small clerk in it, who, it appears, doesn't know if Mr. Pop-
good or Mr. Groolly is disengaged, but will take in my
name.

I fancy they are eyeing my manuscript. I feel that the
appearance of the roll of MS. is against me. If I could only
have come to see Popgood and Groolly for pleasure, it strikes
me I should have been shown in at once. But I can imagine
^while I am waiting, having vmtten my name down on a slip
of paper) the little clerk hinting to Popgood and Groolly that
the visitor has a manuscript with him ; in which case Pop-
good and Groolly, being taken by suiprise, and not liking it,
vv'on't be at home.

The little clerk returns, and says, " Will I step this way ? "
I step his way. and, feeling veiy hot and uncomfortable
(much as I did when I was about to propose to Fridoline in
the conser^-aton-), I am suddenly ushered into Popgood and
Grcolly's private office. The boy pauses by the door a
minute, apparently curious to see what we'll do to each other,
for here sits either Popgood or Groolly, I don't know which.
in a chair between a large writing-table and the fender. I
think the clerk mentions the gentleman's name, but I can't
catch it.

\IORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 73

Popgood, or Groolly, rises slightly, bows, and indicates a
chair on the opposite side of the hearthrug to where he is
sitting.

I bow to him. So far nothing could be more pleasant or
charming.

My hat suddenly becomes a nuisance, and I don't know
whether to put my hat on the table, and my r^IS. on the floor,
or vice versa — hat on floor, MS. on table.

Happy Thought. — To say, *' I think you had a letter of
introduction to me — I mean, about me — from Mr. Boodels."'

It seems so formal to call him [Nlr. Boodels, that the inter-
view at once assumes the air of a sort of state ceremony.

Popgood, or Groolly, bows again. I wish I knew which
it was. He is elderly, and rather clerical in appearance. I
should imagine him to be Popgood. I don't like to dash
in quickly with " Now I'll read you Typical Developments ,
Vol. I.," though that would be the way to come to business.

Happy Thought. — To talk to him about Boodels ; to make
Boodels //-6' tern, the subject of conversation, to give us, as it
were, common ground to start on.

I remark, that (taking it for granted that Popgood, or
Groolly, knows Boodels) he is a capital fellow ; a great friend
of mine ; that he has (this I say patronisingly) written several
little things, and — in fact — oh yes, he is a very good fellow.
Popgood, or Groolly, replies that he hasn't the pleasure of
Boodels' acquaintance, and that it was a relation of his " from
vv-hom we (the firm of P. and G.) received this letter."

74- MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — To ask, Did he mention what my Work
was ?

Popgood. or Groolly (somehow I begin to think it is

GrooUy), says, " No, he did not. What may be '" he

inquires rather sleepily, as if I had failed to interest him up
to this point, '*' What may be the nature of the work ? "

Happy Thought. — To stop myself from answering hastily.
'• \Vell, I don't know/" which in my nervousness I was going
to do.

I hesitate. I should almost like to ask him '" What sort
of thing he wants ? '"' Because, really and truly. Typical
Developments would suit all readers.

I say, " It is rather difficult to explain, as it comprises a
vast variety of subjects."'

'•' It's not," says Popgood, or Groolly, " a collection of tales,
I mean such as we could bring out, with illustrations, at
Christmas ? "

I am obliged to say, " No, it's not that," though I wish at
the moment I could turn it into that, just to please Popgood
and Groolly.

" We should be open for something on this model," says
Popgood, or Groolly, producing a thin book with green and
yellow binding, and coloured illustrations about Puss in
Boots. '" It went," he adds, " very vrell last Christmas." It
occurs to me that the letter written by Boodels' relative must
have given Popgood and Groolly quite a wrong notion of
Typ. Devel. He seems to have introduced me as an author
of Nurse)y Books.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 75

Happy Thought. — To say I think Typical Developnic'Jifs
would illustrate very well.

It appears this is the first time he has heard the title. '' A
religious work } "' he inquires. " Well — no, Mr. Popgood,"' I
am about to say pleasantly, only it occurs to me, as a Happy
Thought, that if he is Groolly he won't like being called
Popgood, so I reply, " Not exactly religious."' Feeling that
perhaps I have gone too far here, I correct myself with,
" But, of course, not atheistical."

Popgood, or Groolly, considers. "We are very busy just
now, and our hands are quite full," he says. '" Ever}-thing
is very dull — \Happy Thought. — ''Except Typical De-
velopmentsP But I don't say it] — and it's a bad time of
year for bringing out a book of the — of the — nature you
intimate."

I say, to put it clearly and help him along, that it's some-
thing after the style of a Dictionary. At this Popgood, or
Groolly, appears much relieved, and says, '"' It's a bad time
just now for bringing out Dictionaries, even," he adds, '' if
they were in our line." It appears, from further conversation,
that Popgood and Groolly did once bring out a Dictionary,
in monthly parts, which nearly proved fatal to them. I
explain that, though I said it was after the style of a Dic-
tionary, yet it was not vierely a Dictionary, but if I read him
a little of it, he could judge better for himself. He bows. I
take the MS. off the table. It is all curled up. and won't
open properly. I tell him I will select any passage at hap-
hazard. He bows again. It is difficult. Something about
" Forms in a Primaeval Forest " catches mv eve. I wonder

76 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

if tJiat is a good specimen to read to him. I've forgotten
what it's about.

Happy Thou gilt. — To beg his pardon for a minute, just
to gain time, and cast my eye over it, to see if I can get at
the meaning at once, so as not to give it with wrong em-
phasis.

I commence, with Popgood's, or Groolly's, eye upon me,
" The first forms, or Protoplastic creations, have in themi-

selves such interest to us of the present day, that " then

follovrs a hard word scratched out, and I have to read on to
find out what it ought to be. I can't imagine what this con-
founded word was.

Happy Thought. — To say this is only a mere prelude, and
to pass on to a paragraph lower doA\'n.

The door (not the one I came in by, but another on the
opposite side) opens, and in comes a tall, bluff gentleman
with a beard. The clerical person to whom I am reading
introduces him.

Happy Thought.— S\\2l\ now know which is Popgood and
which GrooUy.

He introduces him as '•' My Partner." Popgood and
Groolly are before me. If I only knew which was which,
I could carry on the conversation so much more plea-
santly.

Happy Thought.— To say '" Well, Mr. Groclly," and look

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 77

at both of them. One of the two must ackno'vvledge his
name.

No. Both bow.

Happy Thought.— Try " Mr. Popgood" next time.

CHAPTER XI.

AT PijPGOOD AND GROOLLY'S — INTRODUCTIONS — TAKING
LEAVE — A BANTLING QUERY— A LATE CHAT— LETTER
FROM ASPHODEL COTTAGE — ADVANTAGES OF COUNTRY
—HAIR OIL — A SLIGHT MISTAKE.

HE Sitting-doAvn partner (Groolly, I fancy) says
! to the partner standing up (consequently Pop-
good;. " This gentleman has called about his
book on^on "

Happy Thought. — Typical Developments.

We all bow to one another like waxworks. Standing-up

partner says, '' Ha, yes, I was going to " and looks about

fussily. He evidently thinks that I have been there before,
and that he has mislaid my MS. His friend enlightens him
with, " He has brought his Z^IS. this morning." Standing-up
partner's mind much reMeved. I corroborate Sitting-down
partner, and we all, more or less, do wax^vorks again.

A silence. I recommence looking in the manuscript for
something to read to them. On glancing over it, rapidly, I
don't recognise my own sentences. It would be fatal to
everything if I went on reading what I didn't understand.
Sure to show it.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — To say, '• I think I"!! leave this in your
hands," pleasantly.

It suddenly occurs to them at this point to introduce each
other. It is not quite clear at first which is Groolly and which
is Popgood. After a short conversation on general topics I
try to name them individually and correctly. I fail. Having
exhausted general topics (we all fight shy of Typical Develop-
fnents) I fancy they are getting tired of me, as Popgood says
to Groolly (or vice versa) that he must go to somewhere that
I don't catch. This awakens Groolly to the fact that it's
later than he had imagined.

Happy Thought. — Ingratiate myself by taking the hint.

Hand them the ]MS. Should like to say something witty
and remarkable just before leaving the room. If I did. I feel
they'd consult together, and say, " Clever man, that ; let's
read his Typical Developments,^^ and so on to publishing.

The nearest thing to the point I can say is, '• Well, I'll
leave this here, shall I ? " placing it on the desk, whence Mr.
Groolly (or Popgood) removes it to a pigeon-hole, which
looks business-like.

I ask " If I shall call again?" I feel immediately I've said
it that it's a mistake. Nothing like taking publishers by
surprise. Popgood says, '•' Oh, we won't trouble you to call ;
youll hear from us."

I execute a sort of waxwork mechanical movement again,
with my hat in one hand and my umbrella in the other. I
say, " Good day, Mr. Popgood," and both return good day at
the same time.

8o MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought {ivhen I'm outside the house). — I ought to
have said, '" Gentlemen, I leave my bantling in your hands,
you are excellent nurses, I am sure, and will soon shov/ her
how to walk.''

I think I've heard this before. Will look it out in Dic-
tionary- of Quotations. Note. Add a Chapter to Typ. Devel.,
Book 2, on " Tricks of Memon,-." By the way, what is a
*' Banthng -' ?

I should say, without a dictionary, the youngest chick of a
Bantam. If it's not that, its a foundling put out to nurse. 1
know the simile comes in happily, somehow. Ought to carr>-
a pocket-dictionar\- about with me, so as to turn down
corners (not of the book, I mean, of the street. Mew. To
work up this into a joke, somehow, as, " Sheridan said," <S:c.}
and look things out while you think of it. Its merely
developing my plan of note-books.

To Willis's rooms. Rush up to tell Rawlinson ever}thing
about it. He's not there. Pass the evening in dining out,
and coming in five times to see if Rawlinson has returned
yet. At last he appears.

Sit up with Rawlinson and Milburd chatting. When
Rawlinson doesn't go to bed early, he is an excellent hand
at sitting up and chatting. He sits up (when he does sit up'
till three or four in the morning, " expecting," he says, " that
it's not unlikely some feUow will drop in." I never yet have
seen any fellow drop in at that time ; so I fancy it's an
excuse that Rawlinson makes to himself, so that " sitting up
and chatting " may be set dovn\ as an act of politeness.

We naturallv discuss Poogood and Groollv.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. Si

I ask him whether he thinks they'll read it. Rawlinson
says, "Oh, of course," heartily. Rawlinson always com-
mences with the brightest view possible under any circum-
stances, and then gradually introduces, as it were, saving
clauses. He continues, " They'll read it : at least their man
will. Publishers keep a man, you know,'' (I don't know, but
I nod as if Popgood's man was a matter of course,) " who
has to read ever}'thing and advise upon it."'

I observe, " I suppose he'll advise on Typical Develop-

Happy Thought. — P'raps he's reading it now, and enjoy-
ing it.

I say this. Milburd says, " P'raps he isn't,'' which he
thinks funny, and I think simply stupid. Rawlinson doesn't
laugh. He sympathises with me in a iiterar}- matter, I
know.

" I suppose,'' addressing myself to Rawlinson, '*' they won't
be long before they give me an opinion ? "'

" Oh, no time ! " replies Rawlinson heartily.

" Quicker, if possible," says Milburd. (That's the worst of
him : he never knows when to stop. For myself, I enjoy a
joke as much as anybody ; but this is out of place now.)

Happy Thought. — Not even smile. Take no notice of
him.

Rawlinson says, " Oh yes, they'll soon give an opinion ;
that's if they haven't much business. Of course, it may take
a year or so before their man can read it."

82 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Oh, Rawlinson can't know much about
it. He only talks from hearsay. But then what is hearsay ?

Rawlinson continues. '" Those fellows who are paid to read
too 1 They're a rum lot."

■' Highly educated,"' I suppose.

They both pooh-pooh the idea. I don't care about
Milburd's pooh-poohing, as he's not in earnest.

''Why," says Rawlinson, who really does seem to be up
in the subject, " I was staying with a fellow once who did
the reading for Shaptur and \Verse. He had piles of print
and manuscript : just like yours this morning — \Happy
Thought. — I say yes, and smale. Why smile ? ] — and he
just cut a few pages of one, and dipped into another, and
skimmed a third, and threw "em away like so much trash.
Of course if you knoii.' him he'll read your MS.*'

Miiburd suggests, " Find out Popgood and Groolly's man,
and ask him to dinner." If it wasn't Milburd who says this.
there really might be something in it.

Rawlinson says, '"' Perhaps they may not even give it to
the man. Perhaps not read it at all."

Happy Thought.— 'KtdiWy Rawlinson ca?i:t knov.- anything
about it.

" From what I saw of Popgood and Groolly to-day, I should
say they were rather inclined towards the book than other-
wise."

Rawlinson says heartily as usual, " Oh, most probably.
They'll be delighted at your bringing it to them. Only, don't
you see, as you're comparatively an unknown man "

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 83

I feel it IS kind of him to put in '" comparatively^^ it softens
down obscurity when, as it were, it is only shared in a less
degree by Gladstone, Bulwer Lytton, Disraeli, Dickens, and

so forth '-of course you can't expect the same attention

as the great names command."'

Happy Thought. — To take this remark sensibly and calmly
and answer, " Oh, of course not."

Wonder (to myself) whether Popgood and Groolly, imme-
diately I was gone, winked at each other, tied up my 3.1 S. in
a clean sheet of paper, directed it to me, and gave it to a
clerk, to be posted in two days' time.

We separate at last, [Milburd finding out at four o'clock
A.M. that " it's time to go, by Jove I " as if he'd got to go and
meet a bed like a train, and be punctual to the minute. He
does say such stupid things,] and Milburd, as he goes down
stairs, calls out, '"' Liquor up the fellow who reads, and he'll
send to old Popkins and Gruel," [he thinks it so amazingly
funny to pretend to mistake names. He will call Typ. Dez'.,
Biblical Elephants. Nonsense,] '"and say it's the best six-
penn'orth he ever read. Good night."

We retire.

In the morning, as usual, Rawlinson sneaks down to
breakfast, finishes, and is well in to the Times before I have
even mastered what o'clock it is. I'm always telling him
that this is unsociable. " Then,"' remonstrates Ravdinson,
" why don't you get up in time ? "

Happy Thought, — Drop the subject, lie in bed and think.

S4 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

I tell Rawlinson it's much jollier waking in the countn-
than in town. While I dress I expatiate to him on the advan-
tages of rustic residence. Sometimes from the next room he
replies, " Ah ! " " Yes ! " " Oh ! " " No 1 " " Well, perhaps ! ■'
and so forth, from which I gather that he is absorbed in the
Times. It is confoundedly unsociable in the morning. After
sitting up late hair looks dried up. The>''ve forgotten to pack
up my hair- oil. See Willis's in a bottle labelled Oil of Mero-
I'ingia. Balsamic properties^ &c. &c.

Happy Thought. — Use it.

Generally find other people's hair-oil better than my own.
Other people's collars and shirts always seem made for me.
Curious : same with ties. Other people's colours always suit
me better than my own. Willis has two or three favourites
of mine, which I shall always use when I stop at his rooms.
Don't much like the hair-oil, though. It will do however for
a change.

Come in to breakfast : letters on table. One for me : open
it afterwards. Rawlinson obser\-es that there's not a nice
smell in the room. Isn't there ? (Willis's hair-oil probably
— don't say so.) Expatiate again on the sweet fragrance of
the countr}- in the morning as compared with London smells
on waking.

Breakfast. Open my wife's letter. Say, '" There, my boy "
(to Rawlinson), " this is perfectly scented with the country."
I read it.

My wife writes to say, "Must come home at once : man
been here (that is, to our Rural Cottage) about nuisances —

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 85

dreadful stenches will spread fevers — and it wouldn't do to
see her or her Mamma, but the man must see imp Also a
man for some taxes or other, and dogs ; and somethino
about executions in the house, which, my wife finishes, " I
do not understand, but he really did frighten me, and you
oughtn't to stay away so long. Baby's rash has appeared
again — the Doctor was here yesterday.''

HapPy Thought. — Say I must go down home on business.
Not a word about fragrance of country. Exceptions prove
rules — this seems a very strong exception.

Happy Thought. — Shall return again if Willis isn't coming
back.

Rawlinson says he isn't just yet, as he's just heard from
him that morning, and he's rather seedy. Extract from his
letter : " Please send me down my diarrhoetic mixture
(peculiar prescription, made on purpose; which is in my
room. Yours, &c. P.S. By-the-way, the cork went into the
proper bottle, so I had my old hair-oil bottle washed and
cleaned out, and I put it in that. Youll know the mixture
by its being labelled Oil of MerovingiaJ^

Happy Thought. — Say nothing about having used this for
hair-oil.

Tell it years hence as a practical joke I played on some
one a long time ago.

CHAPTER XII.

EXPECTANT — ARRANGEMENTS — DISRAELlJS CE'RIOSITIES—
MR. buckle's PORTMANTEAU — NOTES OF STORIES —
COMMENCEMENTS— ALPHAS AND OMEGAS — MEMORY —
CAZELL ACCEPTS— THAT FELLOW JAMES — WRINKLES

AND WINKS.

O answer from Popgood and Groolly. Arrange
to go home at once and return.

Happy Thought. — Flying visit will enable me
to protract my holiday ; because I can explain that I must
return to—

1. Call on Popgood and Groolly.

2. Make arrangements for publishing, if necessary.

3. Sit for my portrait to What"s-his-Xame.

Happy Thought. — Have it engi-aved as a frontispiece to
Typ. Devcl., with a little slip in book, "*^* Directions to
Binder : Portrait to face title-page."'

4. Bound to go to Jersey. Ought to go.

5. Bound to go to Milan. Ditto.

6. And to go to Austria, and call on Count de Boot-
jack.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 87

If my wife says I am too much away, that's absurd, when
it's business. Then it's absolutely necessan,' for my literary
work.

Happy Thought. — To put down on paper Literary work in
order.

Have read somewhere of orderly habits of literary men
(Disraeli's Curiosities, I think). Good plan, and divide the
week and the days.

First, WTiat work? Typical Developnioits. This will
probably run to twenty vols. Notes for these (as did the
author of Civilisation, History of). It is said that portman-
teaux full of notes were lost. Good plan that, portmanteau
for notes for travelling.

Second, Book of Repartees, alphabetically arranged. These
require perpetual refining and polishing.

Third, Everybody's Country Book. This will be a capital
Shilling volume, with a picture outside (my portrait again,
in colours would do — Milburd says, " Better have ii plain"
— and expects me to laugh. I do, because another fellow's
present. Idiot Milburd), containing a quantity of valuable
information on country subjects, when I have collected it.

Fourth, Humorous Tales and Stories. I began to make a
large collection of these ; that is, it would have been large
only I kept forgetting to carr\- about the special pocket-book
with me, except at first, so that I've only got six down. It is
so difficult to recollect a good stor\' when you come home
late at night and write it down. I've got some commenced
in the manuscript, but on looking at them I fancy I must

88 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

have fallen asleep over them. I have since tried to finish

them.

Happy Thought. — Might publish a weekly paper of Com-
mencements ajid Endings^ z.^ a sort of Notes and Queries,
and invite the public to correspond and fill up.

\tr\ good idea this. Will try it on friends first : try it
even,'\vhere. The plan on paper is this —

A Commencement.— ^^ As Brummel was one day coming
out of a shop in St. Martin's Court, an urchin who had been
eagerly eyeing the Beau, asked him for a penny. The Beau
refused, telling the ragged youngster in words less polite
than forcible that he would see him at Jericho before he
would bestow upon him a stiver. The Urchin

" Now what did the Urchin say ? The public is requested
to supply details."'

Again. " Soame Jenyns, seeing the Lord Chancellor mount
his palfrey at the gate of Westminster Hall, observed to
George D'Arcy

" Now what did Soame Jenyns observe to George D'Arcy?

"■^j^* Anyoneknowing what Soame Jenyns said will kindly
forward the same to the Editor of the Comme?tce??ients, cHr."

As an example of Endings : '*' There's a capital Irish story
ending with ' Bedad, Dochter, 'tis the same thing entirely.'
How does this begin .^ "

" ' His nose,' answered the wit. Erskine smiled at the
witticism, but never forgave the satire. How does this
commence ? "

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 89

I would give a trifle to remember one or t\vo things Fvc
said also, but I dare say they'll come in in time. A friend
of Rawlinson's told me the other day about somebody on a
tight-rope, and I made a reply which set everyone roaring
with laughter ; there were only Rawlinson, Cazell, and self.
I couldn't write it down at the time, and tv>o hours after I
couldn't recall it.

I ask Rav.linson ; he doesn't remember. I ask Cazell, he
doesn't. Cazell says he'll think of it, and he's got a capital
thing for me for Typ. Dcvel. Will he tell it me when I
return? He'll be away. He's going to Busted's, in Hert-
fordshire, to-morrow.

My Cottage is near the road — will he stop the night, and
over a pipe he could tell me all about it .^ He accepts.

Cazell has his luggage ready, so we start. I complain
of luggage. '• I'll tell you what you ought to do,"' says
CazeU.

N.B. I subsequently discover that this is Cazell's pecu-
liarity; he is always telling people ''what they ought to
do." He is great in " dodges," and apparently there is not
a single subject he is not well up in. Most useful fellow,
Cazell.

As to luggage, he says, '' You ought to get one of Spanker
and Tickett's bags. Those are the men : only six guineas.
Put ever)-thing in 'em for a fortnight."

Happy Thought. — To say, knowingly, " That depends
on what you want." Capital for repartee-book that. Put it
down. I should have said it was unanswerable if Cazell

90 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

(he is a sharp fellow, Cazell) hadn't immediately replied,
'• Yes ; but if you take one of these bags, you won't iua7tt
anything."

Happy Thought. — Put Cazell's answer down instead of
mine. Better.

" Have you got one ? '" I ask.

" Xo, he has not. He divides things into two lots, one
for each week. It is nearly as good."'

Happy Thought. — To say, '' Yes, of course,"' being unin-
terested. I don't know what he means, and hate uninterest-
ing explanations.

\Ve talk about literature : chiefly Typical Developments.
I ask his opinion of Popgood and Groolly. He says, " I
tell you what you ought to have done : gone to Laxon and
Zinskany."

I say if Popgood and Groolly fail. I'll go to Laxon.

Happy Thought.— \\\s\\ Pd gone to Laxon.

I think Cazell (I put this note down later as an opinion)
is calculated to render one dissatisfied.

" Where do you go for your hats ? '" asks Cazell.

I tell him. He smiles pityingly, and shakes his head.

" \Vhy not ? " I ask.

He tells me where I ought to go for hats.

It appears that I go to all the wrong places for gloves,
shoes, boots, coats, shirts — ever\'thing. All the people are
furnishing me with those things who oughtn't to.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 91

I apologise for them generally, and say, -' Well, they suit
me very well."

Happy Thought. — When Cazell gets out at our Station
and sees my boy in liver}- (as a tiger) and my pony-trap, he
won't go on giving advice as if I was nobody at all, and
knew nothing about that sort of thing.

At viy Station. — '• Come,'"' I say, heartily, " here's the trap
waiting. I shall be glad to get home for dinner.'"'

"My servant here?" I ask the Station Master, with a
lord-of-the-manorish air.

Station Master hasn't seen him, and goes off to give some
directions to a sub-oflicial. This apparent neglect will not
impress Cazell. The trap is not there.

I say, '' Confound that fellovr James ! " ( Explain that
James is my groom.) The fellow James is four feet high,
aged fifteen.

Happy Thought. — Better v%-alk.

"Tell you what you ought to do," says Cazell, ''you
ought to have a communication between the Station and
your house, so that you could tell 'em when you come down,
and so forth."

I say it would be convenient, but how could it be done ?

He says, " Easily ; write to the Manager. Represent
the case here, and to the London Superintendent, and it's
done."

We meet James and the pony-trap. He is doing a full
gallop, and, on seeing us, pretends the pony has run away.

92 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Young vagabond I :\Iost angn- at the present state of his
livery, he looks so dirty and disreputable (specially about the
gloves, and tie), that I wish I could pass him off as some-
body else's boy.

Happy 77/^?/^///.— Bio whim up privately behind the stable-
door %\hen we get in, and threaten to send him away if he's
not better.

He weeps copiously at this, (hope Cazell won't return
during this scene : he'll go about telling ever>-one that I
make my groom cry.) but I feel sure that directly my back is
turned he m^akes faces at me. I turn suddenly one day, and
find him 'I will swear it) executing a sort of war-dance at my
back. I charge him with it, and he says, with a look of
utter surprise at such an insinuation, '• No, he warn't."'

I can't say, '•' Yes, you were," when he says, " No, he
warn't." He tnust know whether it was a war-dance, or not,
better than I.

As to pony-traps, Cazell tells me '' what I ought to do."'
Go to Lamborn, the fellow who builds for the Prince. This
wrinkle (he generally calls his infonnation ■' wrinkles '') he
gives with a wink. In fact, when I think of it, Cazell's con-
versation consists of nods, and winks, and wrinkles.

" You mention my name,'"' says Cazell, '•' and Lamborn will
do it for you at a very moderate price."

I make a note of this. Begin to wish r"d gone to Lamborn
originally.

As Cazell hasn't much to say about the pony (I am disap-
pointed with Cazell. as most people coming down observe

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 93

" What a pretty pony ! " Ladies say, '• What a pet ! "
"What a dehcious httle trap," &c., Sec] — I remark to him
that it's a pretty pony, isn't it ?

Cazell hesitates. "Yes," he says, dubiously. It appears
he doesn't hke that sort. He suggests that it is rather touched
in the wind. I deny it. Wish he wouldn't say these sort of
things before the boy James. " If I want a pony,*' he says,
with a wink and a nod as usual, " he can put me up to a
wrinkle. Go to Hodgkins." Here he leans back in the seat,
and looks at me as much as to say, " There ! there's a chance
for you, my boy. 'Tisn't everyone who knows about Hodg-
kins.''

Happy Thought. — To pretend (as I get rather tired of
Cazell) that I wouldn't go to Hodgkins on any account.

"Then you're wrong,*' says Cazell. Subject dropped.

We arrive at my gate.

James (the tiger) has been instructed by me to touch his
hat on going to the horse's head. He has a salute peculiarly
his own : " something between the militar}- and a clown in a
ring,'' says Cazell (rudely, I think. If he sees a fault, he says,
it's friendly to mention it).

" You ought to send your boy to Thoroughgood, the trainer.
He educates them regularly for noblemen, /know him, he'd
do it for ineP

I should like to send James to be educated as a tiger.

Happy Thought. — To avail myself of Cazell's knowing
Thoroughgood.

CHAPTER XIII.

C-\ZELL — SHERIDAN MANUFACTURED— CHANGE OF NAME
— JOKES — THE BELL — DOGS — BURGLARS — WHIFFS —
IDEA FOR CAZELL— ADAMS— DR. BALSAM- DOG AND
FOWL.

NEVER saw such a feUow as Cazell. I mean, he'd
make anyone (who wasn't strong-minded, and able
to view things philosophically) discontented with
everything around him.

Happy Thought, — Never ask anyone to stop at your house
suddenly.

When I note down '• suddenly,"' I mean, don't ask a
stranger, or a comparative stranger. Cazell is a positive
stranger. [Note that down on a side page as either for
repartee, or for a story from Sheridan. I see how it might be
done. Story about a stranger wha laid down the law to
Sheridan. Some one says to Sheridan, " So rude, too, from a
comparative stranger."' '•' Comparative," replied Sherr}',
" Gad, Sir, he's a positive stranger."' This will make stoiy
No 6. Good.]

We arrive at Mede Lodge. A little time ago I called it

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 9S

Asphodel Cottage, but, as there are no Asphodels, and it isn't
exactly a cottage, I said one day,

Happy Thought. — Call it Mede Lodge.

" Why Mede ?"' says Cazell. " Because," I answer, trium-
phantly, " it is in the midst of 7nedes, or meadows."' " Might
as Avell call it Persian,"' savs Cazell.

Happy Thought.— To reply, " I knew he'd say that," and
pass it over.

Ever)'body who comes down admires Mede Lodge. It is
lovely ; the rural thing that I was looking after for years.
Ever}'one, seeing it for the first time — (specially ladies) — is in
raptures with it.

I say to Cazell, " Here's Mede Lodge."

" Oh, indeed," says he. '-This is the Lodge, eh? Then
zuhere's the House ? "

Happy Thought. — To tell him, without a smile, that it's an
old joke.

It suddenly occurs to me, "' How will my wife like Cazell?"
That's another reason why one oughtn't to ask a man down
suddenly. Always Xr\ your gold in the fire (or some proverb
to that eftect).

The gate-bell doesn't respond to the tug I give it.

" I tell you what you ought to do," says Cazell, seizing the
opportunity. "You ought to have a bell attached to the
house "

96 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

'' This is attached to the house,'' I return, rather snap-
pishly, I own.

Happy Thought. — Host mustn't lose his temper with com-
parative stranger. But then Comparative Stranger ought
not to go on telling me " what I ought to do," as if I didn't
know.

" Yes,'- he continues, imperturbably ; '"but don't you see,
if it was attached by means of a metal-plated zinc tube
imper^-ious to wet, it would never be out of order, as it is
now."'

I ring again violently. No one comes. Most disappoint-
ing. What I should have liked would have been one ser\-ant
rushing out to open the gate, another at door (both smiling
at my return) to receive luggage, my wife in the hall, beam-
ing, dogs rushing, barking, jumping up and fondling me.
Recollect how Sir Walter Scott used to be welcomed by his
Deerhounds.

Happy Thought. — Buy a deerhound, and teach him to
welcome me.

I apologise to Cazell. I say, '• I suppose the servants, and
all of them "" 'meaning my wife, and Mrs. Symperson, with
perhaps nurse and baby) '•' are in the garden, and don't hear
the bell."

'' It's certain they don't hear the bell,"' says Cazell.
" It's dangerous, too, in such a lonely place as this. I tell
you what you ought to do ; you ought to have dogs about.''

I inform him that I hai'c dogs about — four dogs, some-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 97

where. I got them because the place was lonely. I pur-
chased a magnificent stable-yard dog that has been chained up
ever since we've had him to make him savage, but he won't be
vicious at all, and only plays with all the tradesmen and any
strangers who may come in. If a burglar came at night I'm
convinced the idiotic brute would play with him, and be
rather delighted to see him at midnight (when he must
feel it very lonely) than otherwise. Now I come to
think of it, a burglar would be quite a godsend to the animal
as a playmate.

Happy Tho2ighf.~^\\her). the dog first came. — To call him
Lion.

He is between a retriever and a Newfoundland, with a
placid sheep-like expression of countenance.

Another Happy Thought. — To write up, " Beware of the
Dog."

If James, the boy-tiger in top-boots, hadn't been a wicked,
mischievous young ape, (I was obliged to call him this when
I found him inciting Lion to jump over the side of the stye
and worry the pigs, which the little fiend considered as fair
sport in the absence of rats,) people would have believed in
Lion's ferocity. But he told anyone who came up that the
dog was as harmless as a kitten. I should never be
astonished if we were inundated Avith tramps and burglars.
My dogs inside the house do bark ; at the slightest noise too.
A stranger (Cazell, for instance) would think there were
attempts at burglar)- all night. If they really did come, I

98 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

wonder whether the dogs would be afraid. Perhaps they
•would.

Cazell is about to tell me where I ought to go for dogs
when the maid comes doN\-n the garden and opens the gate.
Cazell says to me, sotto Z'oce, '' What a pretty maid you've
got.''

Happy Thoitglif. — To reply Yes, severely, adding, " and a
very good girl, too,"' emphatically.

I don't like Cazell's conduct. Mem. Certainly not to ask
a fellow doA^Ti whom you've only met once casually.

'•' This gentleman sleeps here to-night,'" I tell my maid.

Happy Thought — Only to-night.

Maid says, " Ver\- well, Sir."

This is as it should be in a countn.- house — no difficulty
about receiving a guest, no trouble, old-fashioned English
hospitality.

I ask where her mistress is ? She is upstairs with Mrs.
Symperson. Ver\' good ; then what does Cazell say to a
walk round the place before dinner ? Cazell says delighted
to view the domain. A whiff of dinner comes down the
passage from the kitchen. A nasty whiff.

Happy Thought.— Tdke Cazell out before it gets worse.

I don't know why, but the smell of cabbages boiling
conveys the idea of huts, povert>^, and living all in one
room.

Cazell won't be moved, but stops to sniff.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 99

I say (to take, as it were, the wind out of his sails}, '' Yes,
nasty smell, but the cook ivill do it, though I've told her not
to, over and over again."

Cazell says, " My dear fellow, I'll tell you what you ought
to do. You ought to get one of Ince's patent door-ventila-
tors. Have it fixed up here," he taps the wall, and begins
examining its capabihties, " and you'd be free from it at
once."

I say, '•' Indeed ! " and he puts on his hat and accom-
panies me into the garden.

I never knew such a fellow as Cazell !

He surveys my geraniums and asters with an eye of pity :
he looks at my roses, of which my gardener is justly proud,
and shakes his head as he observes, " Ah I why don't you
have the Double Lancaster 1 thafs a Rose." As if this
wasn't. '' You ought to go to Mullins's at Sheffield for them.
Mullins is the only man."

\Ve visit my glass-house, where the grapes are. He starts
back — he is horrified. \Vhat is it ? A wasp ? A hornet ?
No. " My dear fellow," he says, " you'll never do anything
with your grapes if you don't move 'em lower down, and
syringe them with Sloper's Ingreser Mixture."

Happy Thought. — Cazell would be worth anything to
tradesmen as an advertiser. Won't suggest it, he might be
angry. Host mustn't insult guest.

But I say they (the grapes) are verv- fine this year.

" Fine ? well, so so," he admits ; " but next year you won't
have 07ieP

II 2

loo MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Call the gardener, who v.ill floor Cazell
technically, on the spot.

I call loudly, ''Adams I" There is no ansvrer. I know
by this that Adams has gone to the village.

Directly his work is finished, Adams, even.- evening, dis-
appears to the village. Being remonstrated with, he says
his work's done for the day, and what's he wanted for here
when his work's done? For this I had no solution when
he first put the difficulty, nor have I now. I think a
repartee, quick, cutting, and decisive, would have settled
him. ["G" Gardener. Repartee to a Gardener. Never
thought of Gardener before. Had only got down Godchild
and Gasman. Repartee to a Godchild : Repartee to a Gas-
man. Rowland Hill and Sydney Smith used to do this sort
of thing : also Dean Swift. Swift cuffed his sen-ant Patrick,
Wonder v.-here / should be if I cuffed Adams ?]

Cazell approves of the place generally. He agrees with
me, '•' Nothing hke being out of town." But he'll tell me,
he says, what I '•ought to do'' with this place. This is
given in an interrogative form, and evidently demands the
answer,

" What .^ '-'

" Why," he returns emphatically, '•' buy it."

Does he think it worth buying, I ask modestly. No,
he doesn't, he says, for the present, but in future it may
be valuable. '• But,"' he goes on, " I'll tell you what you
want." This is only another form of '• what I ought to do,"
and it's no use answering that you don't want whatever it is,
" You want to pull down the left wing, construct a new door-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. loi

way, throw out a bay window, just put a verandah round the
dining-room, and there you are."

Happy Thought. — To say ironically : Pull down the house
in fact.

Cazell replies, " That's it, pull it down, and build two
storeys. What's your drainage here?"

Happy Thought. — To say, " don't know," because this is a
question I hate.

I look upon the country as pure and healthy, and questions
of drainage and water-supply annoy me. I say to him,
jocularly, " Bless you ; we don't know what drainage is here,
it's beautifully managed ; " I have an idea hoiu it's managed,
but keep it to myself; "and we, none of us, were ever so
healthy anywhere as here." I always say this, or my wife
would want to go somewhere for the benefit of her health
and baby's.

Ring at gate-bell. A gentleman. " Who's that ? "

"That is"— I'm obliged to say— "That is Dr. Balsam."
" Whom has he come to see ?" The maid replies, " Missus
and baby." " Thought you said it was so healthy," observes
Cazell.

Happy Thought. — Must remember he is the guest, and
I am the host.

Old English hospitality must be obsen/ed, or really he is
so irritating I could quarrel with him at once.

Dr. Balsam comes out. Cazell doesn't offer to withdraw,

I02 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

as he might do. on pretence of seeing the plums, or anything,
before the family doctor ; but he walks with Dr. Balsam and
myself round the gardens, while I am being told how my
wife is suffering fromx a low state of nenes and rheumatic
hysteria; the baby, of course, from rash.

"Your wife says she's had the Inspector of Nuisances
here." I tn.- to turn the Doctors question off jocosely
before Cazell ; but it won't do. Dr. Balsam says, " You
must have your pigsty cleaned out, and the drainage is ""

"Ah,"' cries Cazell, knowingly, '"'I'd have sworn I smelt
something horrid."'

" It'll breed fever,"' says the Doctor.

^^'hat fever ! fever ! bad drainage ! pigs cause of illness at
Mede Lodge, in the lovehest part of No I

'■' I tell you what you ought to do,'" says Cazell : " buy five
tons of Disinfecting Fluid, and ten of Chloride of Amphistar-
tum Compound, and empt)- it all about the place. It'll last
for two years.'"'

The Doctor says he's right, and wishes me good-bye.

Inspector of Nuisances to come to-morrow. I see Doctor
to gate.

Happy Thought (which I express". — ''A little inconve-
nience which a few labourers will remove : soon do it. The
only nuisance, after all, in the country."

Man looks over gate with a paper. " For you, Sir," he
says. I open it. A legal document. Summons before the
Magistrate for keeping dogs without a licence. Hang the
dogs 1 Irate woman heard at back door. I go round to

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 103

her. She is holding up a fowl with its head off. "Well?"
"Well!" screams irate elderly peasant, "I ain't going to
have this : your nasty {sob) dog came into our field {sob), and
killed {sob) my {sob) chicken. I wouldn't ha' took five
shillin' for it. I wouldn't."

Happy Thought— To say, '•' Glad to hear it." Otter her
sixpence.

Cazell says, "You ought to ask if the fowl was tied up, or
not."

I ask the question. This sends her nearly wild. She'll
have the law on me. She'll go and fetch a policeman.
'Tisn't because she's poor and hard-worked she's to be
insulted, &c., &c. She raves through the stable-yard gate.
Lion, instead of attacking her (he oughtn't to have let her
pass, the idiotic brute I) pretends to play at something or
other with her shawl as she passes his kennel, for which he
gets a thump on the head, and retires dismally.

Cazell follows her into the lane to reason with her and tell
her what she ought to do.

Happy Thought. — Better leave it to mediation and retire.

Go back into house. Screams. Wife in hysterics on
sofa. Doctor, man with summons, woman screaming, smells
from pigs, baby with rash too much for her, " And," says
Mrs. Symperson, ironically, " / think you might have taken
the trouble to come up-stairs and see how we were when you
came in."

J/?;//.— Don't bring down a friend suddenlv asrain.

CHAPTER XIV.

OUR INSPECTOR — DEFIANXE— THE INSPECTOR'S STORY—
INTERVIEWING THE PIGS — CAZELL MY FRIEND— IN-
SPECTOR'S FRIEND — DIFFERENCES — MAKING A JOB

OF IT.

XSPECTOR of Nuisances calls upon me while
Cazell is at Mede Lodge in the morning.

Happy Thought. — Try and get Cazell to take a
turn round the garden while the Inspector is here.

Cazell won't. He says that he's never met an Inspector of
Nuisances, and wants to see one.

The Inspector (I thought he'd have a uniform on, but he
hasn't) abruptly obsen-es that he will come to the point at
once. I say "by all means." The point turns out to be
" drains.'' He says, without any emotion, he'll have to re-
port me to the Board if I don't attend to it. He is business-
like and determined. He goes on, in a loud voice, and with
a great deal of emphasis with his right hand, to say that he's
been obliged "to bring several people to book who had defied
him." Here he compresses his lips and looks at me sternly.

Happy Thought.— To reply at once that he's quite right.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 105

Hope he doesn't think that I am going to defy him. Defence
not defiance.

" In the exercise of your duty," I remark (Cazell tells me
afterwards that I oughtn't to have been so patronising to a
Government official), "you are quite right."

" Of course," returns the Inspector, firmly, and gives us^an
anecdote about a man who li'ould keep thirty-two pigs, and
defied him, the Inspector. " He was a nuisance. Sir," says
the Inspector, with grim retrospective delight at his own
triumph. " He was a nuisance, Sir, and defied me."

" Says he to me,"' continues the Inspector, " I've got
witnesses to prove they're not a nuisance, says he. Well, I
says to him, not going to be defied by him, or any one," he
adds, with a glance at me to see how I like that. I nod in
appreciation of his sentiments, and he resumes, '•/ haven't
any witnesses except myself, and that's enough. We'll tr>' it,
says he, at law. Before the Magistrates, I says, for I was
bound to prosecute him. And prosecute him I did, as he
defied me. And," says the Inspector, warming with the re-
cital, '• the jVIagistrates wouldn't hear him at all, but when I
put it to them, they said the case v/as clear, and those pigs
had to be cleared out, they had, ever}' one on 'em. He defied
vie^ Sir, and it cost him. Sir, a 'underd pound it did, if it cost
'im a penny, it did. But I wasn't to be beat, I told him, and
if he went on a defying me I'd fight him I would, I said, and
so I did, and won. Government protects me, you see it does,
that's where it is ; and it ain't no use, as I says to him, your
defying vie, I says."

He is so excited that I am afraid he'll do something violent

io6 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

in my case. He's a sort of walking Inquisitor, and Govern-
ment takes his word against anybody's in a matter of (for
instance) pigs.

Happy Thought. — To applaud him and say pleasantly,
that I hope it won't come to that (meaning the hundred

pounds) with me.

He hopes not, too ; as though this was a subject not to be
treated lightly.

Happy Thought. — To appear interested, and ask if the
man keeps pigs now.

" Yes, he do still," says the Inspector, somewhat mourn-
fully (Cazell says afterwards that I oughtn't to have asked
this, as I evidently touched on a sore point), '• and I ain't
done wdth him yet. He wanted to 'ave me hup for perjur)-,
he did," the Inspector goes on. As he drops an '"hj^and
puts one in occasionally, I suppose there is no examination
for Inspectors (he'd called himself /Tmspector) of nuisances.
" There was a trial at Westminster it was, about these ver}'
pigs," he continues, proudly ; " it was before Baron Bram-
well " — (he calls the Judge Brammle) — " yes — and when the
Baron 'ears it, he says to the Jur}-, says he, Look 'ere, says
he," — here the Inspector gives us w-hat he takes to be an
exact and correct report of Baron Bramwell's summing up,
supposing Cazell to be the Jun,', and myself the plaintiff with
the pigs. Cazell smiles, and so do I, as if delighted with the
whole thing as an entertainment — ''There ain't no case
against the Hinspector in this ; not a bit, says the Judge.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 107

The pigs was a right down nuisance, says he, they was, and
the hofficer — that was me the Baron meant — the hofficer was
right in having the law on him. And so you see," he adds,
coming somewhat abruptly, but artistically, to the finish,
" that's how it was."

We reply, at least I do, speaking for self and Cazell, that
I do see clearly. The Inspector adds the moral, that I must
see about viy pigs at once, and, of course it is understood,
that I don't defy him.

Happy Thought. — Ask him to have a glass of sherry.

As he "doesn't know but what he 'z^'z*// just have a glass," I
order in the bottle, and he helps himself and pledges us. We
then resume business on, as it were, a more friendly footing,
though (by frequent reference to the celebrated pig case) he
gives me to understand that he is, personally, a favourite
with the Government, and, generally speaking, not a man to
be trifled with, or, of course, defied. In the matter of pigs
and drains he is adamant.

Happy Thought. — To say (Cazell tells me afterwards that
this is ser\-ile, and I ought not to be bullied) that 111 do what-
ever he likes.

"Well then," says he, "make a job of it." Cazell goes
with us round the garden and into the piggeries, where he
pretends to be disgusted, and makes the case out worse than
the Inspector does himself. It's unkind of Cazell to do this,
and I tell him so subsequently. Cazell now (before the
Inspector) tells me " what I ought to do." " You ought,"

ic^ MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

says he, '"' to take up all the old pipes, lay down new ones,
turn on the water in a fresh place, open a new ditch, move
the piggeries, and put a wall right down the side, and have
bell-traps."^

I pooh-pooh this. The Inspector is serious and agrees
with Cazell. In fact, he says, that's the only way to (what he
calls) " make a job of it,"'

It appears (on my pleading ignorance of anybody who can
do all this in the neighbourhood) that a friend of his can
make a job of it.

Happy Thought.— To say By all means let your friend come.

If the job isn't made, the Inspector says, with regret (on
account I think of the friendly feeling evoked by the sherry)
that he imist proceed against me.

Alternative, Inspectors friend to make a job of it, say
twenty pounds, or Law Proceedings, Counsel, Judge, Jur)',
JNIagistrates, writ, summ.ons, police, Westminster Hall, and
Government backing up the Inspector, and, dead against
me, say, two hundred pounds. Afiair settled. Inspector
departs. Friend (he undertakes to say, for curiously enough
he's going to meet him quite accidentally to-night, when
he'll tell him) will come and make a job of it in the morning.

When he's gone, Cazell tells my wife what I ought to have
done. He says I've been imposed upon ; that I'Jii weak and
have allowed the Inspector to bully me. Fridoline says,
" Yes, that she heard us, and knew that I'd be talked into
anything by that horrid man.'"' Mrs. Symperson (who
doesn't understand the case at all, no more does my wife)

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 109

gives it as her opinion that I oughtn't to have Hstened to him
for a moment. Both agree with Cazell. Row. All through
Cazell, too.

Happy Thought. — To say jocularly, but ironically, " 'What
I ought to do is to have ten thousand a year, pull the house
doAvn and make a mansion."

The presence of a stranger (Cazell) prevents recrimina-
tions. On the v/hole it's not bad to have a stranger present
when there's a chance of a family quarrel. He can agree
with the wife-party when they're all together, and with the
husband-party in the smoking-room afterwards. Have done
it myself : and therefore can understand Cazell's being a
humbug. What I object to is his telling my wife that while
all these alterations are being made she ought to go to
Brighton, or the Isle of Wight, or some other expensive
place.

Next mo7'jii7ig. — Inspectors friend at work early : with
bricklayer's hods, pickaxes, spades, bricks, mortar, and things
enough to build a house instead of a pigsty.

Inspector's friend hopes I'll "'scuse/^/w mentioning it, but
that there tool-house isn't safe quite — not as he should like to
see it on a gentleman's place." Wonderful what a regard
Inspector's jobbing friend has for my respectability. Cazell
says, No, ought to have that down. Dangerous. I say, Well
have it down. Inspector's friend wants to know if I'd mind
stepping this way. I step this way. He stops before the
coach-house.

" 'Scuse me," says he, " for mentioning it, but this coach-

no MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

house ain't in a proper state ; you see this here pipe," &c. :
he shows me a pipe which does something or other, I don't
understand what, but something poisonous, or dangerous, or
both : at all events it's " not the sort of pipe as he," the In-
spector's friend, "would like to see on 'a gejitleniaii^s^
(meaning my) place." Cazell says I ought to have it up, and
adds (literally playing into the Inspectors friend's hands),
"You might have the hen-house done now — it'll be a
nuisance in time, you'll see." We inspect the hen-house.
Inspectors friend shakes his head gravely. " It's not the
sort of hen-house he'd like to see," &c. He points out that
the house will be infected with fl**s if the chickens live
where they now are. " Chickens are full of fl"^^s," he says.
Curious fact in Natural History. Inspectors friend has come
'• to make a job of it," and a nice job he's making. We now
discover (through Inspector's friend) that we have been living
in the midst of danger without knowing it. " Why, Sir," says
Inspector's friend, who suddenly ascertains that soapsuds are
poured out on the ground near the kitchen-window, " there
ain't no poison like soapsuds : it's worse than drainage and
pigs."

Happy TJioiighi. — Then leave the drainage and pigs, and
merely give up throwing soapsuds.

Inspectors friend and Cazell smile. Cazell says, " No, go
in for making a thoroughly good job of it." Inspector's
friend says he means to : judging from the bricks and mortar
and men (three more have just come in with wheel-barrows
and ladders) it looks like it.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. in

At breakfast I happen to complain of rheumatics.
Cazell almost jumps from his chair, and shouts (before the
ladies, too !), '• Rheumatics I I'll tell you what you ought
to do for rheumatics. Go abroad. Take baths. Drink
waters." Wife says, "Yes, by all means." Mrs. Symperson
says she did it years ago, and it cured her. I answer, " Did
it, indeed ? '' but don't express joy.

Happy Thought. — Go abroad. Vienna : and call, as I
promised, on the Count de Bootjack.

CHAPTER XV.

PROPOSALS FOR VOYAGING — COMPANION'S — EXPENSE —
LETTER FROM PUBLISHERS — PILZEN — RHEUMATICS
AND MILBURD.

^p^J^^n AZELL says I ought to go by Antwerp to Aix.
^^X^^i ^^e knows a fellow going : Chilvern — Tom Chil-
Ir'^^l^ vern. Odd: old schoolfellow of mine. Cazell is
pfa?~«*'a>^:-| going to see a friend in Hertfordshire, for a day
or so, but will give me Chilvern's address in to\Mi. Cazell
says, " You ought to go and consult a doctor about your
rheumatism.'' He oughtn't to say this. It makes one nervous
when you're not really nervous. Wife begs me to consult a
doctor. She is ner^-ous about me : thinks I must have
caught something from the pigs or the chickens. Cazell has
told her (he is an ass in some things and ought not to frighten
women) that babies can catch measles from fowls, and
chicken-pox too. She is frightened, sends for the Doctor
and examines the baby three times an hour. New rash
discovered. Doctor says, " Best thing to go to Brighton, and
Mrs. S>Tnperson can take care of both." Wife in delicate
state ; Doctor says to me, Better go away for change. I
smile. He smiles. We both smile. We nod. We under-
stand one another, only what do we mean exactly ? He says

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 113

good-bye, and hopes to hear we're all soon better, taking it
for granted that Tm going abroad.

Happy Thought. — Go on the Continent while Inspector's
friend builds pigsties, and generally speaking " makes a job
of it," which at present looks uncommonly like making a
mess of it. If liii away he can't have any authority for doing
anything more than precisely what he has got to do.

Happy Thought {Xo. 2 ou the same subject). — Quiet place
to wriie Typical Developments, and correct proofs of first
volume for Popgood and Groolly.

Cazell leaves. I promise him, as I really am bad with
rheumatics, to go and see Dr. Pilzen in London. Wife says
she wants a considerable cheque before she goes away.
Argument on economy. ]Mrs. Symperson points out what I
should have spent if it hadn't been for her and Fridoline's
admirable arrangement.

I see some sort of a repartee (might come under heading
M. Mothet'-in-Ldzu. Repartee to a Mother-in-Laiu), but
can't quite put it into form. The se?ise is " what I would have
spent without them." Feel this would be cruel. Draw
cheque. Affecting parting. Arrangement as to corre-
spondence : I am to write from abroad to Friddy ; Friddy to
me abroad from Brighton.

London again. At Willis's rooms. Letter from Popgood
and Groolly with MS. Know the MS. by sight at once:
it is Typical Developments returned. Civil note : —

" Messrs. Popgood and Groolly present their compliments,

114 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

and thank the author of the enclosed work for favouring
them with a perusal of it ; but as they understand from him
that it is to reach twenty volumes at least before it is finished,
they are unable to pronounce an opinion on its merits in its
present condition. If the author will kindly allow them to
look over it when it has attained a more perfected form,
and is near its completion, they will esteem it a favour,
and will give the work their immediate and most careful
attention. Sincerely wishing the work in hand a successful
issue,

" They beg to subscribe themselves, Sir,
" Yours faithfully,
'• POPGOOD AND GROOLLY."'

" P.S. We enclose the list of our latest publications, and
also of those works which can now be obtained from our
stock at soincthing less tha?i half price. — P. 6c G."'

Happy Thought. — They've read it. Evidently the}-'Ve read

it, because they want to see it again when it's in a more

advanced state. Can't find fault with their answer. Sensible,

when you come to think of it. Will write, saying that I

agree with them : will get on with the work as quickly as

possible, and let them see it. Will take it abroad, and work

t it.

Xext thing is to go about the rheumatics at Pilzen. Meet

ilburd in the Club. He exclaims, " Well, old Gropgood

.nd Poolly, how are you ? " I check him by replying that,

seriously, Popgood and Groolly entertain the idea of publish-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 115

ing Typical Developincnts. He replies, that the idea of
publishing Typical Developments will probably entertain
Popgood and Groolly. " Old joke," I say. '• V\'ho said it
wasn't ? " he retorts, and roars with laughter.

I wish I hadn't told him about my rheumatics (as I did
immediately after the Popgood conversation), as he directly
begins to imitate the Pantaloon — tottering about on his
stick (and this in the Club hall), and then he says, as Cloiun^
" Poor old man ! " in a quavering voice. Then he changes
to a boisterous manner, and says, " You got the rheumatics !
Walker ! " and slaps me on the back. I tell him (being
annoyed, I can't help speaking to him with asperity) that if
he had the rheumatics as / have, he wouldn't laugh. Upon
which he winks, and replies, " Yes, but I haven't, you see —
that's where it is ; " and pokes me in the ribs, and says,
" Tchk !" and, in fact, so plays the Tom-fool that the Hall-
porter disappears behind his desk, and I hear him suppressing
a burst of laughter. " Well," says rvlilburd, "you're looking
awfully well : never saw you better."'

He is most irritating. I return, that it's very good of him
to say that I'm looking well, but I know I'm not.

Happy Thought. — Try and make him sympathise with
me.

I shake my head, and say, sadly — at the moment I am
so impressive that I can almost fancy myself at my last gasp
— (picture of the sad event in the Club hall — porters kneel-
ing— butler coming, terrified, down-stairs — members explain-
ing to one another — commissionnaire just come in from a

ii6 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

message, weeping, and rubbing his eyes with his only arm- -
Milburd, suddenly struck with remorse, vows never again Id
be unsympathetic with a sick man, &c., <S:c, — really good
subject for picture : lights and shades of our hall, marble
columns, &c., might be as perfect as the late Mr. Roberts's
Cathedral interiors) — I shake my head, and say, sadly,
"Yes, I am going to see Pilzen to-morrow, and he will,"
more sadly and with intensity, *•' order me off abroad, some-
where."'

Milburd says, " Hooray ! Then I will go with you, my
pretty maid : I mean, I daresay 111 join you. Bravo ! "
And he slaps me again on the back. X.B. Give up talking
rheumatics with Milburd.

Doctors to-morrow, and next day with Chilvern to Ant-
werp. Note from wife to say what a tremendous job In-
spectors friend is making of it. Wonder what he's doing ?

CHAPTER XVI.

MY RELATIONS— MUSSELS— MY AUNT — MY U^XLE— POLITE-
NESS-VAMPIRES— FEE FOR DOCTOR.

appy Thought. — On my way to the doctor's call
on my Uncle and Aunt, ^^•hom I was going to
see just before I left town last time, but didn't.
Don't know ivhy I didn't. Very odd, but it's
always been the same as regards my Uncle and Aunt ever
since I can recollect. I used to be taken to their house
by my nurse. Perhaps the fact of being take?i there has
remained in my inner consciousness ever since. Me)?i.
for Typical Developments, Vol. IV., Early Co7npulsion.
datnaging effects of. By the way, must hurr)^ on with Typ.
Devel., Vol I., for Popgood and Groolly.

I remember the street, but forget the number. I don't
know why I hit upon thirty-seven, but I do, and am right.
(Stop to make this note in the hall. Mem. for Typ. Dev..
Tendrils of Me?nory, seize on — leave blank here for word tc
be selected in calmer moments — in early youth, and so on,
&c. /shall understand this when I wish to develope the

note into )

I find that the butler has held the drawing-room door open

Ii8 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

for more than a minute, while I am making this note, coming
up-stairs (not easy], in my Pocket-book. My Aunt says,
" Shut the door, Mussels," sharply. Mussels, the butler,

retires.

Happy Tlwuglit. — Mussels rh}-nies to Brussels, and I am
going to Aix,

If my Aunt or Uncle had any sense of humour, I'd say
this as a pleasant commencement. {Xote. Typ. Devel., On
Cojfijnencefnenis.)

My Aunt having stood up to receive me, in the draught
which Mussels had made by keeping the door open — (funny
name, Mussels) — is cross, and coughs behind her hand.

Happy Tlwught. -To say cheerfully, and smiling lightly,
"How dye do, Aunt?"' ignoring the draught. It appears
she doesn't do particularly well, nor my Uncle either.

Happy Thought. — Suit your manners to your company :
drop smiling and look serious. My Uncle is sitting in an
arm-chair, very feeble, and occasionally groaning. My Aunt
describes her own symptoms with painful and touching
accuracy, but has no pity for ///;;/. She says impatiently,
" Oh dear, your Uncle groans and coddles himself up if his
little finger aches. I tell him to go out for a good walk, and
take healthy exercise." On examining him reproachfully, as
much as to say, ^''\\\i\ don't you take my Aunt's advice?"
he appears as if he might possibly venture as far as the
centre pattern of the carpet and back again. Think my

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 119

Aunt a little hard on my Uncle. Better not say so. Merely
observe gravely, " I am sorry to see you so unwell "' (to my
Aunt, as if I didn't care how my Uncle was, dismissing him
in fact as a shammer).

[Q»ery. Isn't this " time serving," and oughtn't I to be
above it ? ]

My Aunt gives me a list of her complaints ; I appear to
be listening with great interest, like a doctor. If Cazell was
here, he'd tell her " what she ought to do."' While she is
talking I can't help remembering that I have always heard
what expectations I have from my Aunt. Friends have
joked me about it. Many have said they envy me. Ever}--
one seems to know what a lucky dog I am going to be
except myself. She continues her list of maladies, she
shakes her head mournfully, says she's getting an old woman
now.

/IapJ>}' TJiought.— '^2.y politely, " Oh no."

Feel that she must see through this. If she sets me down
as a humbug, it will ruin my chance. Yet I can't sit, as it
were, gloating over my victim like a Vampire. Feel inclined
to say solemnly, " Well, Aunt, we must all come to an
end " (substituting this expression for " die " which had first
occurred to me) " sooner or later." Should have been
obliged to say this, if she hadn't turned the conversation to
my wife and baby.

Happy TJiought. — To answer, "They're longing to come
and call on you, but have been so unwell."

120 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Partly truth — partly fiction. They have been unwell, but I
neve)- can get Fridoline to call on my Aunt. She says, " It's
such a horrible idea to go and see, not how people are getting
on, but getting off, when they're going to leave you money."
The discussion has never ended pleasantly. I can't help
feeling that my wife is honest, but impolitic ; so I put it to
her reasonably, and she retorts that I want her to be a
hypocrite. It is so difficult to explain to a woman the
difference between policy and hypocrisy. She won't go, so /
have to call. I own to feeling (as I have said) like a \'ampire
myself Perhaps it's as well as it is.

Happy Tlwiight. — One Vampire's enough in a family.

Interview over, glad of it. My Uncle, who has not joined
in the conversation, except by groaning at intervals, mutters,
" Good-bye, won't see me again." I really could cry if it
wasn't for my Aunt, who, having rung for Mussels to open
the door, is now saying good-bye to me, and remarking quite
cheerfully, " Your Uncle is very well, only if he luill make
stupid mistakes" (with such a look at the poor old
gentleman, who groans) " he can't expect to be well. Good-
bye."

On inquir}-, I ascertain from Mussels that the "stupid
mistake " my Uncle had made was in drinking his lotion and
rubbing in his mixture. As my Aunt said, of course he
couldn't expect to be well.

Happy Thought. — Good-bye, iSIr. INIussels

Always be polite to the Butler. Recollect Mussels years ago

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 121

when I used to look at picture-books in the pantry ; at least,
I think I do, or another butler, just like him. ]Mr. Mussels
asks civilly after my wife and family. I return thanks (to
Mussels) for them, and add playfully that '' the family " has
the rash.

Happy Thought. — Return compliment, " Mrs. Mussels
quite well ? "

Wish I hadn't. Mussels has been a widower for five years.
Don't know what to say to this. Not the place for a repartee :
opportunity for consolation. The only consolation I can
think of at the moment is, "Well, never mind," with the
addition of what I wanted to have said up-stairs about '• We
must all be buried sooner or later." Pause on the top step,
fumble Avith umbrella, feel that on the whole nothing can be
said except " Dear me ! " and walk into the street abstractedly.
Door shut. I (as it were) breathe again. Re-action. Walk
cheerfully to the Doctors.

Wonder what his opinion will be. Shall tell him that friends
(really Cazell) have advised me to go abroad for the benefit
of my health.

Happy Thought. — Nothing the matter with me except,
perhaps, a little rheumatism. However, just as well to see a
doctor.

" Prevention better than cure," sensible saying that, and I
shall be able to finish off several volumes of Typ. Devel. at
Aix (a very quiet place, I am told), and astonish Popgood and
GrooUv.

122 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Before I go to Doctors, wrap up the fee
carefully in a piece of paper, and put it in a pocket by itself.
Watch in one pocket ; fee in the other. Then you can get at

it at once, and give it with a sort of grace.

CHAPTER XVII.

DR. PILZEN'S — WAITING— MYSTERY — MY EYE — FEE SIMPLE
— THE PAS— HOMCEOPATHY — ALLOPATHY — HOLE IN
POCKET— THE CONJURING TRICK — MANUAL— INYITA-
TION.

T the Doctors. — Door is opened immediateh
by a most respectable gentleman (it isn't the
Doctor of course) who shows me at once into a
room, and somehow manages to show somebody
else out at the front door at the same time. And yet he
doesn't seem to move. Odd and spectral.

Ill the Waiti7ig-rooin. — Several people waiting, like wax-
works at Madame Tussaud's, only they're sitting instead ol
standing. Some look up, with one movement of the head, at
me on my entrance, and then with what they call in
machinery " a reverse action," look down again. {Query.
Do they call it " Reverse action .? " A'ote.) There are three
doors to the room : one by which I entered ; from one of
the other two the Doctor will appear, or we shall go to him.
Which ?

Happy Thought. — Sit as near the middle as possible, by
table.

124 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Door on my right opens. Doctor looks in, says nothing,
takes away an elderly lady. Wonder what's the matter ■with
her ? Open a volume of Punch, commence looking at the
pictures vaguely. Door opens again. Can't be my turn ?
Xo. Doctor takes off a middle-aged man with his arm in a
sling. Wonder what's the matter with Jiitn ? Rather expect
to hear cries and screams in the distance : everything
mysteriously quiet. We are fetched, one after another, like
victims for the guillotine. (I make notes while I am sitting
here. Xotc. Was it for the guillotine where the victims sat
all in a room and were called out one after the other .'* or was
it something in Japan? Look it up when I get home.)
Open another volume of Punch. Doctor wants somebody
else.

Happy Thought.— My turn.

No. Old lady and her companion (evidently a com-
panion"; have been waiting there nearly an hour.

Happy Thought. — To \.r\ and catch the Doctor's eye next
time he looks in.

Throw into ;;;/ eye an expression which will say to him.
*•' Never mind these people, let me come ; I'm worth your
trouble. Can't waste time like they can, being engaged on a
great work, Typical Developyneiits'^

Doctor looks in again. Arranged my eye : not quickly
enough, as I didn't catch his. A gentleman and a little boy
disappear into the sanctum. I open another volume of
Punch. During the morning I read five volumes of Punch,

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 125

and for an hour and a half I am perpetually attempting to
catch the Doctor's eye.

Doctor looks in for the twentieth time (I count them, and
also keep on looking at my watch, with a sort of idea that if
the people see me doing this they'll say to themselves, " He's
a man of business, got appointments, wants to be off; let
him go first.")

Happy Thought. — Feel if my fee is ail right in waistcoat
pocket.

It is. Arrange a little dram^a with myself as to ho-cU 111
give the fee. Let the Doctor see it, then, when he's not
looking, place it on the mantel-piece ; sort of conjuring trick.
When I'm gone he'll say, "Where's he put the fee?"' Joy
on discovering it. End of drama, and enter another patient.

Happy Thought. — Twenty-first appearance of Doctors
head at door. Jump up — at him.

I hear a rustle behind me of several people, and a mur-
mur. Tall lady in black is by my side, in a second, protest-
ing. I give in. Tall lady retires with Doctor. Feel I've
done something rude. Never mind, show I'm not to be
trifled with. I take a seat, defiantly now, near the door

Happy Thought. — Xext turn must be mine.

Twenty-sccojid appearance of Doctors head. My turn?
Doctor speaks this time ; most politely, " my turn next,'' he
says ; " this gentleman " (indicating a short stout man with
a florid face and a carpet-bag in his hand) ''has, I think,

126 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

the pasT I bow, not to the carpet-bag invahd, but to the
Doctor.

Twenty-third appearance of Doctor, and disappearance of
Myself. Interview. Yes, decidedly go abroad. Take baths
and waters, and get the incipient gout out of me. I am
quite right (Doctor says) — prevention is better than cure. He
won't give me a prescription, but an introduction to a Doctor
at the watering-place, which he dashes off there and then.

Happy Thought. — Pick up some medical notes for physio-
logical portion of Typ. Devel.

Commence a discussion with him on Homoeopathic
theories as applied in Allopathic practice. Would it not,
I say, in some cases be allowable.^ He replies, " Undoubt-
edly," and seals up the letter. (He evidently feels he has no
ordinary patient to deal with. I can presently introduce
Typical Developments to him : he'll be interested.)

Happy Thought. — To dravs- him out.

The science of medicine, I observe, is in a state of change.
The old practice I suppose (1 add) requires readaptation to
the increasing knowledge of the present day.

Doctor replies, courteously, "Just so,"' and opens the door.
]\Iost annoying, the fee has got out of the paper — or, where
the deuce has it gone .'' Awkward to be fumbling for fees,
while the Doctor holds the door open. Can't say anything
funny, or scientific. I have got the sum in half a sovereign
and silver in my trousers pocket, but that's mixed up with
coppers and keys ; and I have got studs in my other pocket

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 127

to be mended. {Happy Jhouglit. — Everything in separate
pockets : have always intended to tell the tailor this.} — I
must have lost the fee.

Happy Thought. — Xo I feel it just over my hip bone.

Hole in pocket; slipped through and got round into
lining. Tear, recklessly, the pocket lining, and catch the
fee. Might make some jocund remark about '• Catching a
fee."

Doctor smiles courteously, but appears pre-occupied. I
can't do the trick I had arranged about placing the fee on
the mantelpiece, as he is looking. On the table, or in his
hand }

Happy Thought. — On the table.

Am just about to do it, when it strikes me, being in white
paper, it looks too staring.

Happy Thought. — Pass it into my other hand (by a sort of
legerdemain) and when saying good bye, press it on him,
secretly, as much as to say, " Don't tell anybody."

Do it. Good bye, and leave.

As I walk along the street. — Wish I hadnH done it in this
manner : bad taste. I should like to have done it in a less
underhand way. For instance, to have said, jovially, ''Here I
what's this !'■' holding up fee, " There, take that, you rascal,'"
playfully, and adding, " I'm very much obliged for your
advice. Bless you, good bye, my boy," and so go out
whistling.

123 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — To my Handbook of Repartees will add
Conversations and Interviews.

Odd. just as I've thought of this, I find myself in front of a
Booksellers shop. In the window is a red-book, Manual of
Conversatio7is in French. English, German, and Italian.

Happy Thought. — Buy it. Most useful. And can work
up my own from it when travelling.

Full of the idea. When I am full of an idea, I should like
to dash it off in the street. If we lived in a literar}- age, and
in a literan-- town, there might be writing-desks, with pens
and ink chained to them (as they did with the Bibles in the
Parish Churches), at the comer of the streets. Enter. Pay
a halfpenny. Write down idea, stop and develope it if you
like ; then go on again. If another idea strikes you on the
same walk, another halfpenny will, as it were, register it
there and then.

Go to Willis's. Pack up. Say good bye to Rawlinson.
Milburd has just been there. A card. " If you'll dine with me
and Chilvern ches club, Cazell and another fellow coming,
we'll all go together to Antwerp by boat to-morrow."

Happy Thought. — Will dine with Milburd.

CHAPTER XVIII.

THE DINNER PARTY — GUESTS — MESMERISM — ELDERLY
AND HEARTY STRANGER — A PUZZLE — A MISTAKE —
NOTE ON SMILING— CAPTAIN DYNGWELL— DRAWINGS
OUT — FIRST COURSE.

HEX I go in, Milburd's guests are waiting for
their host. Cazell is there, and three other
men in evening dress. Cazell knows one of
them, but doesn't introduce me to him. We
evidently, more or less, consider one another as intruders.

Happy Thought. — To say it's been a nice day.

Some one (elderly gentleman with yellow grey whiskers)
says he doesn't think so, " but perhaps," he adds, sarcastic-
ally, " you like rain." Forgot it had been raining. Should
like (only he's my senior) to inform him that my observation
was only thrown out to give the conversation a start. Pause.
Cazell who tnight talk to two of us, doesn't. The third is a
gentleman with tight waist, long legs, and a glass in his eye.
He manages to pass the time, apparently, by stretching out
his legs as far as he can away from him, smoothing them
down with both hands, and rejarding them critically through

I30 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

his eye-glass. We are all drawn towards him. His smooth-
ing his legs has evidently a mesmeric effect upon us, and we
all, at least so it seems to me, begin to take a silent but
intense interest in his legs. If we were left there two hours,
he would probably become mesmerically mechanical in his
movement, and we should all be fixed staring at him in our
chairs, unable to move, with mesmerised legs. {Xote, Not
to forget Mesmerism, under M, in Typ. Devel.^ vol. vi.) An-
other old gentleman is shown in by the waiter. He is portly
and enters genially, with his hand out ready to grasp Mil-
burd"s. I can't help pitying him when he doesn't see Milburd.

Happy Thought. — Respect age — rise. Old fashion and
good.

The old gentleman seizes me by the hand. So glad to see
me again. '• Capital,"' he says, " not met for an age." I
answer that I am delighted to meet him. Wonder to myself
where I've seen him before : puzzle, give it up.

"Well,"' he says, "all well at home?"' I answer, ''Only
pretty well."' He is sorry to hear it.

Happy Thought. — To ask him if he's all well at home.

"Yes," he says he is, '• though Milly isn't," he adds, "quite
so well as she might be.'"' I reply, '" Indeed," thoughtfully,
for as I don"t know how well Milly might be if she tried, nor
who Milly is, I fancy that there must be a mistake. Still if
I ought to know him, to tell him that I haven't an idea who
he is, would be rude — specially from a young man to his
senior. Man with eve-c;^las5, in meantime, has lowered him-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 131

self in easy chair, and is stretching out, complacently, farther
than ever. {Note. Silent G}Tnnastics.) He is still criticising
his legs favourably, and varying his movements by pulling
up his wristbands, which are very wide, long, and come up
to his knuckles.

Old gentleman suddenly puts his hand in his pocket and
says to me, " Oh, that reminds me, you didn't hear from
Martin, did you?'' A dilemma for me. Of course I don't
know Jiis Martin. Shall I say, simply to make a conversa-
tion, "Yes or No' ?

Happy Thought.— Sdij the truth. '• No."

" Ha ! ■' he exclaims, " then I must settle with you. How
much am I in your debt .^ " This is awkward. It's difficult
at this moment to tell him that I never saw him before in all
my life, but I am certain of it. If I had any doubt of it, his
recollecting a debt to me would put it beyond question, as I
shouldn't have lent him anything.

"Well ? " he asks, pausing with his purse in his hand.

Happy Thought. — Tell the truth again.

I commence, " The fact is "

Milburd enters. He oughtn't to leave his guests. " Ha !
Commodore ! " he says to the old gentleman, " I'm glad to
see you're acquainted."

I explain at once that we're not ; and he, putting on his
spectacles, for the first time, (without which the aged mariner
is it appears as blind as a bat) discovers that he has taken
me for Milburd.

K 2

132 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Aged mariner. Wish I could recollect
a quotation. Ought to have something about an albatross at
my fingers' ends.

After this, Introductions : myself to Commodore Brumsby,
Chilvern to me, we are to be travelling companions, Milburd
says ; whereupon Chilvern and myself both smile vaguely at
each other, as if such a notion was too preposterous or
absurd. After all, if smiling means nothing (when done in
this way), it's better than frowning. [X.B. Make a note in
pocket-book to effect that under A might come important
article on Amenities.] After this, myself to Captain Dyng-
well, who has risen, and on being introduced screws up his
glass into one eye, his forehead dovrn on to his glass, and his
mouth up on one side, as if undecided whether to scowl, or
receive me pleasantly. He murmurs something to himself
(for me to take up if I like) about something's being " doosid
funny," and tries to pull himself out of his coat by tugging
at his wristbands. Standing on the rug and stretching the
right hand out with a jerk, he catches the elderly gentle-
man Avith sandy grey whiskers just behind the ear. Mil-
burd, with admirable presence of mind, introduces them at
once.

" Sir Peter Groganal, Captain Dyngwell.'^ They bow
-politely, and the Captain is understood to apologise, but as
he is struck by something's being " doosid funny," the con-
versation with him, beyond this point, doesn't progress. It
appears, subsequently, that the circumstance of Commodore
Brumsby's having mistaken me for Milburd, has struck the
Captain as " doosid funny ; "' in fact, so utterly and out of all

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

133

comparison droll has this appeared to the light-hearted
soldier, that he is perpetually recurring to the circumstance
throughout the evening.

" Sir Peter Groganal,"' whispers r^Iilburd to me, "is a great
chemist : you'll like him : you must draw him out." I say
" I will," but I don't quite see my way to drawing out a great
chemist.

Happy Thought. — yTanuals for the Drcssi/ig-table. Draw-
ing-out Questions for various professors, A. How to draw
out an Artist, &c., say, generally, " Are you hard at work
now ? " (then he'll tell you, how hard ; what at ; why ; what
next ; what he thinks of other Artists ; what other Artists
think of him, (Sic, &c. ; of ancient art ; of old masters, &c.)

B. How to draw out a Bishop. " Your Lordship must be
very much over\vorked .^ " No ? '•' Well, it's not large pay 1 '^
This raises interesting subjects, '' Bishops' Income, Church
Property, Establishment, Simony, Lay-impropriation, &c.

C. Chemist. How to draw out Chemist ? Question. " Now
should yoii say," — put this as if you wouldn't or he won't be
interested ; great secret this, interest your man, '■' Should _y<7//
say that Carbolic acid gas acting on the," &c., &c. O,
course, it is necessary in scientific questions, in order to
obtain information, to master up to a certain point the ?'udt-
ments. Thus you must be sure of its being '' Carbolic " not
" Carbonic ;" acid gas, not " acid in gas ; " also, as to whether
it " does act on the," &c., Sec. — whatever it may be, just to
start it, because there'd be an end to all conversation if A or
B or C replied, " No, Sir, such a case couldn't possibly.

134 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

happen ; a r////^ wouldn't ask so foolish a question as _;'^//rj'.'''
Only, of course, if he did S2i\ this he'd be a bear, and people
would get tired of asking him out. I am so convinced of the
utility of this Manual that before I go to bed to-night I make
notes for its commencement. I'm afraid I'm getting too
many irons in my literar}- fire.

Milburd really has mixed us well. There's a military- man
Captain Dyngwell, there's Chilvem an architect, then Com-
modore Brumsby, R.X., a great traveller, Sir Peter Groganal,
a tremendous chemist. Cazell who will tell ever5-one '' what
he ought to do/*' and I hope get well set down, Milburd for
funniments seasoned by the courtesies of a host, and myself,
as a representative, to a certain extent, of Literature.

Happy Thought. — To ask Milburd in a whisper, as we go
in to dinner, " What u a Commodore ? " Milburd returns,
also in a whisper, '• Don't know."

We all sit diown : Captain Dyngwell, stretching out both
his %\Tistbands over the table as if he were imparting a fashion-
able sort of blessing to the knives, forks, glasses and napkins.
Will I face Milburd ? With pleasure, if he wishes it ; but

won't ? "' No, no," says Commodore Brumsby, " Young

"uns do the work." Sir Peter says, gravely, ■•' Yes, Sir, you
can experimentalise." We are arranged. Milburd at the
head : myself, his vh-a-vis : on my right the Commodore,
on my left the Chemist, Captain and Chilvem vis-a-vis one
another, and there we are. Excellent number, eight, Cazell
is on IVIilburd's right, and there's an empty place for a man
who ought to have been there but isn't. None of us care

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 135

one dump whether he comes or not. No one knows him :
he's a barrister, " very rising man," says Milburd, whereat
one or two of us observe, '' Indeed ? is he .'' " and go on with
our soup.

CHAPTER XIX.

ON DINNER COMPANY — START OF CONVERSATION— CAP-
TAIN DYNGWELL— THE MOZAMBIQUE— IGNORANCE —
ANCIENT MARINER — ABSTRACT RIGHT— TWO THINGS
AT ONCE — DINNER ARGUMENT.

f, ILBURD manages to mix his company well
S, for a dinner. Thinking over it next day when
ji on board the packet for Antwerp, how much
ij better it is when you give a dinner, to have

one Chemist (for example), one Cavalry Officer, one Archi-
tect, one General Conversationalist (almost a profession in
itself), one Barrister, one Commodore, one Literar}-, and one
Funny (but not foo funny) man, — I say, how 7nuc/i better it
is to give a dinner of this sort, than of all Architects, all
Chemists, or all Commodores, or all Funny men as the case
may be.

Sir Peter Groganal the Chemist remarks as a starting
point, that it's excellent soup. This sets every one off. I
don't know why. Captain Dyngwell pulls up his shirt-
sleeves sharply, nearly knocking over the water-bottle in
front of him, and says, "Yes, hang it, they don't give Aim
that soup at the Rag.'' Catching my eye, he suppresses a

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 137

laugh, and murmurs, •' Doosid ridiculous." I ask him across
the table '' What is ? " He answers by leaning a little back,
winking his disengaged eye, jerking his head in the Commo-
dore's direction, and saying, not too loud, "Mistaking you

for '' Another jerk, and a wink towards Milburd.

Whenever the Captain alludes to this ludicrous incident
henceforth, this is the method he adopts. He then chuckles,
pulls up his wristband, drops his eye-glass, searches for it
with the other eye, replaces it, looks defiantly round, ready
either to smile or scowl, and suddenly dives down at his
plate of whatever-it-is at the moment.

Sir Peter Groganal the Chemist takes us, via soup, into
various questions of adulteration. At this point Cazell tells
us what we ought to do, and Chilvern the Architect takes
that opportunity of recounting an instance in point when he
did what he ought to have done, but without effect ; the
anecdote being introduced for the sake of letting us know
that he had once tenders and contracts (or sent in tenders
and received contracts, or whatever it was), with Messrs.
Ferry, Rust, and Co., the great iron-merchants. This brings
out the Commodore, who, remembers having seen their name
somewhere, when he was in the Mosafubique, which in turn
brings me out.

Happy Thought. — Ask him about the Mozambique.

What I should really like to do at this moment is, to
request him to draw a map showing me exactly ivhere the
Mozambique is situated ; and, while he's about it, what the
Moza7nbique 7-eally is.

138 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

I thought up to this moment it was an island ; now as he
begins talking, I fancy it must be a Bay or a Gulf.

Really when one considers these ever}--day matters (after-
wards and in cold blood, — that is over an atlas quietly in my
own room, before I go to bed), it is astonishing how little
one knows about them. Milburd, who as host ought not to
say anj-thing rude, hearing our conversation, asks me, as if it
were a riddle —

"What's the Mozambique ? Do you give it up ?"

I nod and laugh, as if, of course, it was too absurd not to
know what the Mozambique is. I feel that ^vlilburd sees
through me, and am a little uncomfortable, as he doesn't
mind what he says.

Happy Thought. — Perhaps Milburd doesn't know any
more about it than I do.

Happy Thought.— 'Discoy^Y what the Mozainbique is
(whether a Gulf, or a Bay, or an Island) from the Commo-
dore's conversation.

Wish I hadn't devoted myself to the Commodore. He
doesn't tell me anything particularly distinctive about
Mozambique; but his stor}' commences with something
about "headwinds on a forecassel and furhng sails after
soundings." The mention of "porpoises" seems to put me,
as it were, at home again ; but from these he gets into reefs,
shoals, deep waters, watches, yardarms, and going aloft, and
evidently hasn't got a quarter through his story whatever
it is.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 139

HapPy Thoyghf. — He holds me, the guest, like the Ancient
Mariner. Should like to ask him about albatrosses. He
Avouldn't see the joke, or perhaps, know the allusion. Be-
sides it would prolong his story. I listen respectfully. The
worst of it is, that in the meantime a controversy has got up
between Sir Peter Groganal, Chilvern, and Slingsby the
Barrister (who has just come in, apologised for being late,
and plunged into dinner and conversation as if he'd been
there the whole time), which really does interest me. It is on
the Existence of Abstract Right.

They are playing at a sort of dummy whist with this con-
troversy ; that is, Slingsby and Chilvern are on one side.
and Sir Peter on the other. I hear every word they say.
and am deeply interested. Should like to cut in and make a
fourth, but can't, because I am bound to listen to the Com-
modore, who is still beating about Mozambique in headwinds.
He is telling me something about the maladministration
of naval affairs by the Admiralty, illustrating it with an
argument just as Slingsby is asserting confidently that
there is no such thing as Abstract Right.

Happy Thought. — To say to the Commodore, '• Yes, it
wants reform," and turn at once, without giving him an
opportunity of dragging me into his nautical conversation
again, to Slingsby, asserting the existence of Abstract Right.
(I Vol Typ. Develop.)

The Commodore won't give me a chance ; I am waiting
for even a semicolon in his conversation ; but he continues,
"Now I'll just give you a case in point, and you'll say" —

I40 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

then oft he goes into something about a Lieutenant who
had been twenty years in the service, and had never got
away from Malta, or something to that effect ; while in the
meantime I hear Slingsby laying down most outrageous
laws with regard to his proposition, which I consider false
in itself.

Happy Thought. — While the Commodore is in the middle
of some Admiralty grievance to turn a little aside towards
Slingsby, smile, and shake my head, as much as to say,
"No, that wont do, you know;" look round at the Com-
modore immediately afterwards, and say, blandly, " Yes,
of course it was very hard,'"' a propos of his story, show-
ing that I can listen to two things at once. IMilburd takes
off the Commodore's attention for a second, and I join
in with Sir Peter the Chemist, against Slingsby and
Chilvern.

I like a thorough philosophical discussion. We all get
ver\' warm over it. Chilvern objects to the introduction of
theolog}-, and Sir Peter says '•' Quite so." Slingsby denies,
for the fourth tim^e in my hearing, the existence of Abstract
Right, and at it we go again.

I say, "There 7}iust be, in the nature of things" — here
Milburd recommends some of that pudding, to which I help
myself, talking all the time (for in an argument at dinner, if
you once stop talking even to take pudding, some one will
take your turn away from you. People are so selfish, and
Avant to have it all to themselves). I say, " There 7m(st be,
in the nature of things, an Abstract Right."

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 141

"■' Why?'' asks Slingsby the Barrister.

"Why?" I retort, " JV/i_y /—Why, if— I don't quite see
what I am going to say ; but by talking steadily and cau-
tiously, you're safe to come upon something worth saying, at
last : besides, this is the true method of induction, or '" lead-
ing mto" a subject—" IV/iy, if Abstract Right," this with
great emphasis, '' did not exist," pronouncing each syllable
distinctly (to gain time), ''then there would be no Certain
Criterion'" — (X.B. Talk slowly, and you'll always be able to
get good words.; — '■ no Certain Criterion by which to judge "
— here sauce is handed for the pudding — " by which to judge
the actions" — here a liqueur is handed round — "the actions
of mankind."

" Take a savage," says Slingsby.

" Take a glass of Chartreuse," says Milburd, from his end
of the table. We dismiss Milburd with a nod and a smile,
and go back to work again at Abstract Right. Somehow we
all get very warm over the subject. Slingsby puts arguments
forward which sound unanswerable ; but which, I am sure,
if I could put them down on paper and go into them, are
simply preposterously absurd. Yet, at the moment I can't
confute him.

Happy Thought. — To ask him if he's read To7nUson on
Abstract Right? No, he has not. "Ah," I say, much
relieved, " then when you've read that we'll talk. You'll
find all your arguments answered and confuted there over
and over again." I must get Tomlison's book myself: I
looked into it once, at a friend's house.

142 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

At this point there is a pause.

''Well, Captain/' says Milburd, chaffingly (that's the
Avorst of him, never serious !) leaning over to Captain Dyng-
well, who has been silently attentive to the wine all the
while, " what's 7<?«r opinion on the subject?'"'

The Captain smiles, and replies, " Eh ? Oh, it looks un-
commonly like a universal tittup."'

I never was so much taken aback. ''A what? A uni-
versal ivhat ?^^ asks Sir Peter.

'• Tittup,'"" says the Captain.

" I never heard that word before," says the Analytical
Chem.ist, seriously.

"No?" returns the Captain, carelessly. From this mo-
ment the Captain is an object of attraction. It appears that
he has quite a vocabulary of his own. The interest I have
in him is beyond this, as he has just come from Aix, and is
going back again there for the benefit of his health. Will
he, I ask, tell me what sort of a place it is ?

" Well,"'" he says, '' it's not much of a place for a tittup.
There are one or two jolly old cockalorums there, and, when
the season's on, you can go on the scoop in the way of a
music-caper, or a hop, and you can get rid of the stuff there
as well as anywhere."

Happy Thought. — To note these words down. To take
him aside aftenvards and ask him for an exact explanation
of " tittup," " cockalorum," " scoop," " music-caper," and
" stuff." '• Stuff," I discover, he applies equally to money or
liquor of any sort. He passes the stuff at table, he " makes

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 143

no end of stuff," or '' loses no end of stuff ■' (the latter, gene-
rally, from his own account), on the Derby.

He tells me that he is going back to Aix, to be the '"'perfect
cure," and " do the regular tittup in Double Dutch," from
which I gather, when I know him better, that he is returning
for the benefit of his health, and to the study of the German
language.

He kindly tells me he can give me "the correct card for
hotels, put me up to all the little games, and do the trick
without any kidd, no deception, no spring or false bottom,
my noble sportsman." I laugh at this, whereupon he adds
(he has not spared the wine), " That's your tip, Old Buck ;
you just screw on to this light-hearted soldier,'' meaning
himself, ''and you'll turn out right end uppermost, A one
copper-plate.'' Here he drinks off a bumper, and chuckles
at " Old Cockalorum," meaning Commodore Brumsby,
" having mistaken you for Milburd." This is what he says,
" he can't get over."

He adds presently, " I say, you were nearly having a uni-
versal tittup just now."

He alludes to our getting warm in our discussion about
Abstract Right, and simply means that we should have
quarrelled if we'd continued.

We go into the smoking-room ; and as Chilvern and I are
going by boat to-morrow, we leave early. When the party
breaks up, everyone wishes he was going with everyone else
abroad next day ; and everyone hopes in default of that to
meet ever}-one else, heartily and pleasantly, but vaguely, some-
where else at some time or other. So the evening finishes.

I44 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

To-morrow, away from England.

Happy Thought. — Write to Friddy before I start. Ask
her to send newspapers out to me.

CHAPTER XX.

VOYAGING — THE BARON OSV — ADMIRAL — FOREBODINGS-
ADVICES — DIFFICULTIES — -ADMIRAL'S BREVITY — GET-
TING OUT INTO THE OPEN — MORE FOREBODINGS —
TITTUPING.

ERE we are on board the Baj-on Osy, for
Antwerp — Chilvern, Captain Dyngwell, Cazellj
and self.

Lovely day, with occasional clouds.

Happy Thought. — Secure a berth. Each cabin holds two.
Chilvern takes top berth ; I take the bottom one.

I say, " Let's go up-stairs." Cazell corrects me. He says,
indignantly, " You ought to say, up the companion." He
talks to the Captain — I mean the Captain of the Baron Osy.

Happy Thought. — Make friends with the Captain. To
distinguish him in my note-book from Captain D}Tlg^vell,
put him down as Captain Osy, or say Admiral Osy. Chil-
vern thinks this a good idea, and improves upon it, he says
by proposing to call him to his face "Baron" Osy. I protest,
as I don't want to quarrel with the Admiral of the vessel at
starting, or even afterwards. He might make the passage

146 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

uncomfortable to us. He might tell the man at the wheel
to steer into waves, instead of over them, and take every
opportunity of splashing us. So I go up and talk to him.
He is a foreigner. Odd ! a foreigner in command of a
British ship. Besides, I thought that 710 foreigners were
sailors. Always thought, up to this mom.ent, that that's why
Nelson won all his victories — because foreigners were so ill
at sea. {Note down this now as narrow-minded. Travel
expands the ideas.)

Admiral Osy, in answer to my question, answers that,
^'He not think anybody ill to-day."' ''Anybody" means, in
my question, myself. Cazell is rather anxious about it's
being rough outside. The Admiral doesn't know anything
about it outside. His opinion generally is that the sea will
be like a river to-day, and that we shall do the whole trip in
seven hours less than the usual time.

Cazell immediately assumes a knowledge of nautical affairs
(my only wonder is that he doesn't at once tell the Admiral
" what he ought to do "), and informs me confidentially, " that
we ought to have a splendid passage."

I say, "Ah, it's all ven- well here," in the river.

Captain Dyngwell, after looking at the clouds through his
eye-glass, gives it as his opinion, '• That therell be no
end of a tittup outside." I am inclined to agree with him
about the " tittup " in this instance, only I feel it won't be
confined to ^^ outside^ Cazell says, /'You oughtn't to talk
about it."

Perhaps we oughtn't, but we all do, and at once begin
comparing experiences as to bei^ig unwell.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 147

Happy TJiought. — Not to boast about being what Captain
Dyngwell says he is — '•' Quite the sailor,'' but obsen'e, mo-
destly, that, " I don't exactly know ; sometimes I'm all right,
sometimes I'm all wrong." Inwardly I sincerely hope I shall
be all right ; my belief is that I shall be all wrong.

Cazell says, "Lor' bless you, you can't be ill here; why
the sea '11 be like glass ; there won't be any tossing."

Chilvern observes, "Yes, that thafs what he hates — the
tossing."

Cazell tells him, " It's not the tossing jv// mean, you ought to
say the ' rolling.' The ' roll ' of the vessel makes you unwell."

Chilvern replies, that he dares say it is. Conversation
then turns on preventives. Chilvern inclines towards filling
yourself with porter and chops. Captain Dyngwell says,
" A good stiff glass of brandy's the correct tittup " (every-
thing's a tittup to-day, with him), and he adds, " go in for
being quite the drunkard."

None of us think this a good preventive. Cazell says,
authoritatively, " You ought to stay on deck all the voyage ;
or if you think there's a chance of your being ill, then, while
you feel ^ueU, go at o?ice to your cabin and lie down."

Happy Thought. — Go at once to my cabin.

They all say, " Pooh 1— no use until you get out to sea ; "
and it appears we shall be seven or eight hours before we're
out of the Thames.

Captain Dyngwell says, " The doose we shall ! Why, I
thought we got into the briny at Greenwich." Greenwich is
Ill's farthest point on the Thames.

L 2

148 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy ThoicgJit. — Dyng^vell's England is bounded by
Greenwich and Whitebait.

Say this. Expect roars of laughter. No roars. Cazell
takes me aside afterwards and tells me, "You oughtn't to
have said that. You don't know him well enough to joke
him, and he's a tetchy fellow."

Happy Thought. — Lovely day !

We glide along like — like — anything. (Am not good at
similes.) '•' Swans " won't do. as we're not going like swans.
*' Like a nautilus/' I propose, in conversation. Captain
DvTigAvell thinks I might as well say, '" like an omnibus."
They all laugh, /don't. Ser\-e him out. If he had laughed
at mine, I would have at his. Chilvem says, " going along
like winking," which seems to suit, and we drop the subject.

I make another attempt at raising the tone of conversation
by saying, " See how the clouds fleet above us ! it makes

one feel " Dyngwell cuts in, " There's nothing makes you

feel so mops-and-brooms as doing that."

Hovr strange it is ! Here are four fellows met together
under conditions for inspiring poetical feelings, and not one
of them can think of any simile but " winking," and the other
says, that looking up to heaven, while you're sailing, makes
you feel all " mops-and-brooms."

Happy Thought.— CoxTiQ. down to their level.

Talk of horse-racing, for instance, then bring out news-
papers and get seats. Very difficult to sit comfortably on
deck : manage it at last on a camp-stool. Chilvern and

SIORE HAPPY THOUGPITS. 149

Dyngwell have both been seized with a strong thirst,
apparently from the moment they came on board, Dyng-
well is always " doing a little tittup in the way of a
moistener/' and Chilvern is joining him in what he calls
"3. modest B and S," brandy and soda-water. I never
heard fellows suddenly become so slangy. I feel a loose
sort of style coming over me too ; sort of feeling that makes
you turn down your collar and dance a hornpipe. Quite
understand why a sailor is a ro^■ing, rolling, careless sort of
dog. Odd, on board I feel inchned to swear, purposelessly,
but in keeping with nauticality.

Happy Thought. — Dinner.

We are all (at least I am, and I think the others are) sur-
prised to find v>'e can take dinner on board. We are all in
good spirits. Admiral Osy at the head of the table, that is,
in the chair, doing terrific feats v/ith his knife, mouth, and
the gravy. jMakes one think of the African sword-swallower.
Should like to be yachting. What a jovial life a sailor's
must be, at least if it's all like this.

Happy Thought. — Still in the river.

I say to the Admiral Osy, '• I suppose that the sea between
here and Antwerp is nothing more than the river, after all.''
I am anxious to hear his answer. His answer is, " Nasty
passage, ver}', sometimes ; not much pitch to-night ; bad if
wind gets round." Don't like the sound of this : will draw
him out. I say to him, " I suppose he's seen a deal of nasty
weather." I put this in what appears to me a nautical style.

ISO MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

The Admiral Osy nods his head, and walks away. Chilvern
says to me that he's not rude, only I oughtn't to bother him.
Admiral Osy is never without a long clay pipe in his mouth.
Chilvern, who is ver>^ fond of pipes, says he must get one of
them.

'■ Get 'em — scores,"' says the Admiral, whose English is
disjointed.

" German ?" asks Chilvern. " Dutch,"' replies the Admiral.

" Dear ?" asks Chilvern. '•' Cheap,"' returns the Admiral.

" You're a German, I s'pose ? " obser^-es Chilvern, know-
ingly.

" Xo ; Dutch,'"' answers the Admiral Osy, and stumps away.

Happy Thought. — Seen a Dutchman.

From this moment I feel a great interest in the Admiral,
a Dutchman. I say to Cazell, " Doesn't it remind you of
^'anderdecken, the Flying Dutchman, and Washington
Irving's tales V Cazell, who is reading a paper, says, " No
it doesn't."

The Captain, who has been looking through a small pocket-
telescope, gives his opinion that " it won't be long before
we're in for a bit of a tittup." He means that the clouds are
gathering, and that out at sea it looks rough.

Wonder if the Admiral puts on a cocked-hat when he's
out at sea. Chilvern says, " Better ask him."

Happy Thought.— Beiiev not.

Happy Thought. — Have a cup of tea..

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 151

In cabin, not quite so steady as it was ; or perhaps it's
fancy, because I've been told that we're coming near the sea.
Don't like the cabin now ; shall go on deck. Things seem to
have changed on deck, it looks duller. Evening coming on,

" Aren't we pitching a little ?"' I ask Cazell, as if merely out
of curiosity, and not as taking any personal interest in the
movements of the vessel myself.

Cazell says, with a doubtful air, '• Yes, I think we're begin-
ning."

CHAPTER XXI.

STILL NAUTICAL— NAUTICAL NOT STILL— BORN A SAILOR
— AT SEA — TURNS— UNCERTAINTY — HOME THOUGHTS
— LURCHES— CONUNDRUM — OTHER THOUGHTS — PUNS
— LE MOMENT— FEARFUL STRUGGLES— PROSPECTS OF

PEACE.

HE Admiral comes abaft (or astern ; I mean he
|>''-'%^ *5 comes towards us, and we're about the middle of
L^^^J^'-I I the ship), smoking, always smoking. Somehow
l'^^^^"^^-l I didn't notice the smell of his tobacco before :

it begins to be unpleasant ; so does Chilvern's pipe ; so does
Captain Dyng^vel^s cigar.

"Won't I 'baccy?" DyngAvell inquires. '• No, thank you,
I won't baccy !" Feel that to baccy just now would be as it
were the turning point (or the tuming-up point) in my exist-
ence. '•' If you want to keep well," I say to myself, " be
cautious." Cazell says, "' I tell you wh^tf ou ought to take —
a good glass of stout." No, I dont want stout, specially just
after tea : I feel in fact that stout would — but, no matter-
no, thank you, I'd better stay on deck.

Night is coming on. We are no longer in the river.
Chilvern says, " If it's no worse than this he doesn't mind."
I like to hear a fellov\- cheering up.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 153

Happy Thought. — No worse than this, I shall be all
right.

Admiral, at the end of his pipe, tells us that the wind"s
getting round. "Bad?"' asks Chilvern.

Admiral nods and walks abaft, or afore, or somewhere out
of sight.

I don't like to turn in. Horrid expression just now
" Turning in." Odd, how even an expression seems distaste-
ful to me just now. The Captain has a large overcoat and a
rug. He intends to " weather it, and do the regular Tar,"'

he says. I ask him, ''If he is ever V'^ I don't like to

say the word. He doesn't mind it, and takes it out of my
mouth. (Bah ! horrid expression again !) " No," he replies,
" Never. Stand anything," and he lights another cigar. He
politely asks me, "if I mind his baccying?" Of course I
politely rejoin that I don't. In reality I feel (despairingly)
that it makes no difference to me iioiu. I am sure my fate
is sealed. Only a question of time.

I miss Cazell. I wish he v.-ouldn't go away. He has gone
to be no, I won't think of it. Perhaps he hasn't.

Thoughts {whilst leaning against paddle-box so as to keep
ifi middle of vessel as imcch as possible. Vessel hnxhing
horribly). Is travelling worth this? Aren't there many
places in England one hasn't seen ? Why should I go
abroad ?

Wish they'd make a tunnel under the sea — or a bridge
over it. Never mind expense. Anyone would subscribe
handsomely who'd ever been abroad, and had to cross the
sea again. Horrid. So helpless too. Recollect suddenly

154 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

that Cazell told me, before he disappeared, that you oughtn't
to keep your eyes fixed on one spot. I won't. I feel that I
can hardly take them off a lump of something. No ; it's a
man lying in a rug with his head on a camp-stool. Captain
Djmgwell is walking up and down deck, with his hands in
his great-coat pockets, and a cigar in his mouth. He lurches
from side to side occasionally, but still he walks, and appears
to enjoy it. I can only stick with my back to the paddle-box.
Chilvern too. Chilvern volunteers the statement that he
doesn't feel ill. Do I ? he asks. I don't know, I am uncer-
tain. Perhaps after all — that is— z/ / dov't talk much or
i?iove, I may be all right. Feel that everything is uncertain
Wish I was at home : would give a sum of money to be
sitting with Friddy.

Scarcely Happy Thought. — Remember having heard of
somebody being Home-sick. (Ugh I — why do 1 — ) I never
was that * * but -^ ■'«• *

A lurch. ;My camp-stool nearly fell. A wave has broken
over us from somewhere. Helpless. Can't do anything.
Let waves break over us. Let the water trickle down to my
feet. Ver}- cold. Captain comes up unsteadily, but quite
well and smoking. He has been having hot brandy-and
water with the Admiral. He asks us, briskly, " How we're
getting on? Quite the gay Sailor, eh?" he inquires jovially
of me. I try to smile, I would smile (to be something of the
gay sailor, and show my spirit to the last), but I feel that the
slightest relaxation of face, or alteration of position, would be
fatal. Chilvern and myself are against the paddle-box, with
nothing to hold on bv, and a strong inclination to fall face

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 155

downwards on the deck at every lurch, or roll, or whatever
the horrid action of the ship is called. Thought {vaguely). —
There's a dog called a Lurcher. When well might make

conundrum : " When is a ship or when is a dog

*******

The vessel now takes a ver}' peculiar motion, and I feel
myself, as it were, following all the very peculiar motions of
the vessel in detail, as if by some internal (and infernal)
machiner)-. She goes down \vith a rush, quivering : so do
I : that is, I don't move from where I am, but the machinery
does it. It seems as if I'd swallowed the engines. The
vessel slides or glides, and then comes up with a sort of
scooping motion : exactly the same with me. '' On the
Scoop " — think of Dyngwell, who seems perfectly happy.

I wonder to myself how Chilvern feels. I turn my head
slightly to look at him, and notice that he is staring before
him in a blank, helpless manner. The machiner\' gives a
surging groan ever}- time we dive down as if we were
going right under the sea, and I feel as if I was being lowered
into my boots ; we come up again with a rush, and a noise
between a shriek and a groan from the machiner)-. I feel
myself entirely dependent on the machiner>'.

The Captain comes up (he is pacing the deck to keep him-
self warm) and obser\-es that "WeVe got a deuced fine
passage ;" and adds, that "He shouldn't think there'd be a
soul ill to-night." — I can't answer him : there's only a glim-
mer of hope in his speech. My thoughts become gloomy,
an>i;hing but happy. Except one Happy Thought. — The
mind can abstract itself so as to be insensible to pain.

156 MOxRE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Therefore, if I can only think of something else, I shan't be
unwell ; or rather, as I feel unwell noiu^ I shan't be worse,
but probably better.

I have tried thinking of conundrums. Perhaps they're too
frivolous for this state. Try something else. Think of stars.
See only one. Wonder what it is. Think of the ancient

sailors who, vrithout compass or . T7'eine7ido2is lurch.

I struggle against interior machineiy, and again try to think
of the stars. Wave breaks over vessel. Some one says
" That's a nasty one." Perhaps it is. I am past expressing
an opinion. If anyone was to point a pistol at me I couldn't
run away. Try to recal passages of Shakspeare ; to think of
my next chapter of Typical Developments j to recollect what
Sir Peter Groganal's argument on Abstract Right vras ; to

think of Lurch. Wave. All machinery (internal) in

motion. No more stars. Shall I leave paddle-box, Noiv^ or
stop a little longer? * * "^ suspense * * * I think I'll
move -^ -^ * I make for the opposite paddle-box * "^ strik-
ing out v.ith my legs at the deck, and waiting for // to come
up to me "^ "^ jerk to the right * * just miss cannoning
against Captain, who is pacing up and down (still with a
cigar), and dexterously gets out of my way.

Happy Thought {flash across vie eve7i at this suprevie
7nojiient). — Decks-teronsly * * vv-retched * *

I am looking down into the dark waters — at the white
foam * -^ * -^ if the bulwark were suddenly to give way !
* * * * Can I help it?**-^***-3f* Lurch * * roll
grapple vrith bulwarks * * silent anguish.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 157

Can anything on the Continent be worth this ! I ! ! !
Cathedrals — Churches — pictures — pleasures of Paris — canH
be worth this * -sf- * And * * Oh ! Pve got to come back
again / 1 1 Stagger to staircase * * Companion, I mean.

" Quite the jovial Tar, eh ?" asks the Captain, who is light-
ing another filthy, beastly cigar.

" Yes," I answer, in somebody else's voice, not mine, and
feeling that, if I could see my face, I should never recognise
the once joyous author of Typical Develop7ne7its.

Go down-stairs ; horridly awkward stairs. Why couldn't
they be made straight down instead of curling round ?
specially in a steamboat •* * -j^- * when * * * one so "^ * *
particularly * * * wants to go straight * * -^ *

To my Cabin. — Will undress and regularly get into bed.

Happy Thought. — Give myself the idea of being quite at
home.

Haven't fastened door : it bangs against me, I against it,
then it bangs back again, when I bang against chair, then
against side, then my head against upper berth, then nearly
into lower berth, then over portmanteau, then clutch on des-
perately by side of lower berth, and try to recover myself.
Tear my things off ; \.r\ to hang them up neatly. Dash at a
hook. The hook comes to me and I fall back against berth.
Everything seems to be going topsy-turvy. Collapse, like a
punch-doll, without any middle joints, into lower berth. On
the whole rather astonished to find myself there.

Shut my eyes ! * * * * Open them again very quickly.
Awful sensation. I am wide awake, and painfully conscious

158 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

of the oil-lamp, and of the want of air. Out of berth again,
to open the door — same performance as before. Put chair
adroitly between open door and wall : chance of air now.
Stagger — bump — pause for breath. Stagger again : fighting
with everything, berth, washstand, door, chairs, which all.
apparently, keep coming at me. I notice the name of Scott
Russell in the washing-stand basin * * * I hold on * * * I
wonder * * * Did Scott Russell make the washstand * * *
or the ship * "^ * if so "^ * * why didn't he * * * Lurch —
bang -^ * -^ -^ -^ * * Into berth again, backwards, anyhow.
exhausted. This is what Dyngwell calls a '• Tittup outside."
*-^-)f-^**Ah-^*-^*-^-^ Shall I have to get up again ?
■^■;f*****ifnot*-^-^*I think I can * ^ * * * *
Less Lurching -^ * * *

CHAPTER XXII.

IMPROVEMENT — STILL OX BOARD— CAZELL — THE PILOT —
MORNING — WASH AND BRUSH UP — PLAN — ANT-
WERP— ARCHITECTURE — A CICERONE— THE LIGHTS
— CHILVERN'S CHANGE — HIS COSTUME — QUITE THE
TOURIST.

^ AM better.

Sleep, gentle sleep, or an imitation of it, with
people v/alking about, shouting, shutting oft" steam,
going backwards and going forwards, and appa-
rently getting (thank heaven !) into still water.

Cazell looks in once, and looks out again very quickly. He
merely puts his head in at the door with the view, I believe,
to tell me " What I ought to do '"' under the circumstances,
but he thinks better of it. Chilvern comes down — he says
he is very jolly now. I won't attend to him. I'm afraid he's
coming to occupy the other berth above me. Dreadful !
He'll drag my things about, and tumble over my boots.

Happy Thought. — Pretend to be asleep.

Ruse successful. He looks in, says, " Hallo ! asleep.^ eh?
The pilot's come on board," and then he disappears. He re-
appears at intervals after this, to inform me (if awake) that.

i6o MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

J St, the pilot has fit come on board ; 2ndly, that the pilot
ii'o?i't come on board ; 3rdly, that the pilot cati't come on
board (we are pitching awfully, and horrors are returning) ;
4thly, that if this pilot doesn't come on board, we must get a
pilot who ivillj Sthly, that they can't get a pilot at all ; 6thly,
that the pilot has come on board. Altogether, I wish the
pilot was but it doesn't matter now.

Morning. — Recognise feeble portrait of myself in the look-
ing-glass. Recognise several other feeble portraits of yester-
day's originals at breakfast.

Captain Dyngwell comes out of a cabin, " Fit," he says,
" as a fiddle."

Cazell re-appears. He has not been seen since nine o'clock
last night, when he told somebody " what he ought to do,"
and then vanished down the companion.

He looks as if he'd been to a ball for three nights together,
and was going to bed.

Captain Dyngwell says that Cazell '" looks as if he'd been
on the scoop," which strikes me, somehow, as expressive,
though not capable of exact definition. " Slang," some one
says, ''is the language of the future ;" if so, Captain Dyng-
well is a sort of gay Wagner.

All more or less represent the Great Unwashed. Chilvern,
who is five feet two, represents the Small Unwashed.

N.B. No amount of basining (Scott Russell & Co.) can
be satisfactor>^ on board. Look fonvard to bath at hotel.
Wish I hadn't put my comb and brush and clean pocket-
handkerchief in some (apparently) secret part of my
portmanteau.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. i6i

Happy Thought. — To have a bag, specially for this sort of
thing, with compartments, so that whatever you want at the
moment comes out first.

It appears there have been some difficulties with the pilot,
and so we are some hours late. This accounts for Chilvern's
several visits to me during the night. He was much inter-
ested in the pilot, he says ; if he hadn't been, he adds, he
should have been unwell, or rather, worse than he actually
was.

Happy Thought. — Shore. Antwerp.

Captain Dyngwell says, " Here's Antwerp," pointing it out
to us, which is unnecessary, as there is no other place near
at hand.

I say, " Thank you, I know it." Consequent coolness be-
tween Captain and self Custom-House officers. Chalked
baggage. Crush. I assure a passenger who is digging into
me with an umbrella, a bag, and an Alpine stick, that " there
is no hurry." Man in front, whom I am pushing, tells me
the same thing. We all struggle and push. Difficult to
carry two rugs, umbrella, stick, and coat, to struggle and
kick, and at the same time to get one's ticket out of one's
waistcoat pocket. Do it though, somehow, desperately.
Suppose I should lose it at the last moment .'

Happy Thought.— QdiYry it in my teeth: like Newfound-
land dog with a stick.

Collector takes it. Ceremony over. Cross the plank.
Dangerous. Take breath, and look about.

i62 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Captain and Cazell get off first. Chilvern and self follow.
Hotel de St. Antoine.

AT ANTWERP.

Happy Thought. — Foreign Town.

Our party of four is split up into, so to speak, three sub-
parties.

First Sub-party is Captain Dyngwell, who doesn't particu-
larly care about seeing anything, and when I say, '• Why, my
dear Sir, look at the Churches I " he merely answers, " Oh
blow the churches \ " evidently not the spirit in v\hich to
come to Antwerp. He is entirely, as he expresses it, "for a
tittup at the theatre, and then and some sort of Bal Mabille,"
here he winks knowingly behind his eyeglass, " and go in for
a regular rumti-iddity." Whereupon he calls out " Waiter ! '■'
imperiously, with an aside to us that " he'll bustle 'em a bit,"
and on the appearance of the waiter, the Captain orders a
'-' B and S," just as if he were in his London club, and con-
founds the fellow's ignorance when his command is not
exactly understood.

Second Sub-party is myself and Chilvern. Bond of sym-
pathy between us is that he really does want to see the town.
Being an architect, he will enjoy (I know he will, and I tell
him so) the queer old buildings, the Cathedral, the other
Churches, and the pictures. Don't know why, being an
architect, he should enjoy pictures ; but it seems natural
when you think of it for the first time. Years ago I've been
to Antwerp. Chilvern obsen-es, " You'll be able to show me

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 163

ever)-thing." He adds, "that he Hkes going about "vvith a
fellow who really can show him evemhing, and who has an
artistic appreciation of queer buildings, old houses, fine
churches, and pictures."

Dyng^vell says, '• If you've seen one, you've seen all."' We
agree, when talking Dyngvvell over, that the Captain isn't
troubled with brains. [Afialytical Physiological ?iofe for
Typ. Devel. Isn't this a form of mental pride .^ Isn't it also
flattery? It means that Chilvem has a great quantity of
brains — so great as to be troubled by them — and that I have
also. It's as much as if I said to Chilvern, " I say, you're a
clever fellow, because if I don't you won't say Ftn a clever
fellow." Wonder what Chilvern says of me to D>Tigwell.
In speaking of Chilvern to Dyng\vell, I say with truth, that
" Chilvem's clever in his own line," meaning architecture ;
this is after we've seen the pictures and the town.

Happy Thought. — Chilvern can't say that of me — nobody
can, in fact — ^because I haven't got a particular line.]

Third Sub-party. Cazell. By himself. He says he has
been a great deal on the Continent, and will insist upon tell-
ing every one what he ought to do. Besides, he pretends to
know the language. He also orders, with an air of superior
knowledge, dishes and drinks, which he says are peculiar to
the place. He talks German and French. That is, he talks
German, but I don't think much of his French. We fall out,
in fact, on this subject. He professes to speak it like a native.
I own I don't do that ; but I say I have a thorough knowledge
of it, and can read it easily. Chilvern takes my view of the

y\ 2

i64 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

question. I like Chilvem, A ven- good fellow, and really
clever as an architect ; only I do wish he had come abroad
with more money than two sovereigns in English money.
Will I lend him some ? Yes. But why can't he ask Dyng-
well or Cazell ? I don't exactly put this to him in so many
words, but he intimates that he can't go to thern for it, as he
has "rather quarrelled with them by siding with inef^

Happy TJiought. — To tell him he must \vTite home for
money at once. See him do it, and post the letter myself.
He is bound to me now. He will fight for my opinions as

a sort of mercenary-.

Happy Thought. — To secure a companion. I promise to
pay for him even-where, but I won't lend him any ready
money. I point out to him that I am going to show him the
town, and that our tastes assimilate. If he had the money
in his pocket, perhaps our tastes wouldn't assimilate.

Cazell tells us we ought to go and see the Cathedral (it
isn't a Cathedral, I say,— dispute), and the Church of St.
Jacques and St. Paul, also the Museum of Pictures.

I reply that I will take Chilvem to see the great Church,
then the Museum, Sic, in fact, choosing my own arrange-
ment.

The head waiter asks me, " Will I have a guide ? ''

I am indignant. As indignant as if I'd lived in Antwerp
all my life. Hate guides. Explain to Chilvem that it's no
use having a guide, one can find one's v.ay so easily about
Antwerp,

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 165

Chilvern replies, "yes;" then suddenly, " I say, let's go and
have some lunch."

I inform him that abroad there is no such thing as lunch,
it's dejeicner a la fourchette. "All right," he replies, "let's go
and have anything that's something to eat."

I notice, for the first time, that Chilvern, in Antwerp, is
peculiarly and offensively English. He seems to have learnt
slang, or a slangy manner from Dyngwell.

He is dressed in a suit of what he calls " dittos " and a
v.-ide-awake hat.

Happy Tho2ight.—To stop him de/o?'e we get out of the
hotel, and say, " You can't go out like that."

"' Why not 1 " asks Chilvern.

" Well, my dear fellow," — I put it to him reasonably, — "'you
wouldn't do it in a town in England."

"Wouldn't I I " he exclaims, and cocks his wide-awake on
one side.

I request him as a favour, to get his hat, and put on a
black coat.

" Haven't got a hat or a black coat," he returns.

" Quite the tourist," observes Dyng^vell, with his feet on a
small table in the courtyard of the hotel smoking a cigar.
He, at all events, is well dressed. He is sensible on that
point. I hold him up as a model to Chilvern.

I hesitate about going out with Chilvern. Chilvern says,
" It's all ridiculous humbug." I reply, " That it isn't." He
returns, " That it /j." I observe, " That he ought to consider
other people's feelings." He rejoins, " That I ought to con-

i66 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

sider hisP I tell him " I do." He answers flatly " You
don't ! "

Happy Thought. — Say I won't lend him any money.

Happy Thought. — No, not say it, let him think it. See by
his face that he is thinking it. Row ends. We go out. To
dejeihier somewhere.

CHAPTER XXIII.

ANT^VERP — CHILVERN'S FUN — SXOBBISM — EATING — DRINK-
ING—THE CRESSES — CB-ILyi:j^y LE POLISSON — THE
CARTE — THE LANGUAGE — THE DEJEUNER PRO-
GRESSES— SALAD — MO^E V.

E find a cafe in an open sort of square.

I call for the ca7-te. Chilvern makes some
joke about cart and horse, something about
eating horse-cutlets.

Happy Thought. — Stop his English, by telling him that it's
dangerous to talk it \vhen ever>- one understands, though they
don't speak it.

Waiter attends. "Que desirez-vous ?''' I ask Chilvern,
in an off-hand manner.

Happy Thought. — Garcon thinks I'm a Frenchman. [On
considering this question at night quietly, Chilvern says,
"That the feehng is snobbish." "Snobbish ! '' I retort. "Yes,"
he replies, " A fellow's a snob who wishes to be considered
anything better or worse than he really is."

Wish I'd never lent him any money. This is a note at the

i68 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

end of ihe day. Ever since he's become bound to me he's
been disagreeable.]

Chilvern says, laughing, as if it was the greatest joke in the
world, " Ask the cove if he's got some roast beef and plum
puddang.'"' [" Plum-pudrt^<rz;/^" is his notion of fun in French.]

I hate this sort of thing. I tell Chilvern so afterwards.
Hate calling a waiter " a cove," and ask for plum-pudding in
the middle of the day. He wouldn't do it if he was in
England. He replies, " Yes, he would, if he liked." Hate a
man who's provoking.

Happy Thought. — Not express disgust publicly before
waiters in cafe, but smile as if I was tolerating a drole.

Happy Thought. — Call Chilvern in French a polisson.
Gar^on smiles.

Chilvern replies, " Wee., let's have some of that," thinking
I'd spoken of fish.

The waiter here asks me a long question in rapid French.
Haven't an idea what he means.

Happy Thought. — Won't tell Chilvern that I don't under-
stand him. Consider for a few seconds, then reply, in
French, " Yes, but make haste." Ga?-co?i says something,
and hurries off. \Vonder what the dickens Fve agreed to ?
Wonder what this will result in. Chilvern asks me, " What
did the waiter say ? ''

Happy Thought. — To answer, " Oh, only something about

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 169

what we are going to have." Chilvern presses to know what
we are going to have.

Happy Thought.— To say, shly, •' You'll j.v." So shall I,
for at this minute I haven't a notion what I've ordered, by
saying, "Yes ; but make haste" to the waiter.

Happy Thought. — I shall find out soon, though ; and then
If I don't like it, won't do it again. Just coming from
England, one's out of practice at these things.

While Chilvern and myself are waiting for our dejeiiner,
I begin to feel the rolling of the vessel again. I remark
this as '■ xtry curious '' to Chilvern. '" Curious," perhaps,
I think to myself, is hardly the word. Chilvern observes
(also carelessly) that he is experiencing the same sensa-
tion. We look at one another — we know what we mean.
Begin to fear we shan't enjoy lunch. Wonder what I've
ordered by saying ^^ our' to the ga7-con. Here he comes.
Voila.

Three little dishes, — sardines, butter, and radishes.

Happy Thought. — Hors d'oeuvres.

Chilvern asks which are hors d'oeuvres. I explain to him.
He at once commences with a sardine and bread-and-butter.
I tell him, to encourage him in foreign manners, that that's
quite the correct thing to do, and eat some myself, also a
radish.

Garqo7i appears with a fish of some sort done up in oil,
with mushrooms, (I think,) truffles (I fancy.) and mussels (I

I70 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

am not quite sure about these, but, as it's not oyster season,
they must be mussels). What wine ? "

"Well," says Chilvern, '' I should say "

I know he's going to ask for beer, and stop him v/ith Happy
Thought {befo7'e Chilveni can aftsive?'). — Vm ordinab'c.

Explain to Chilvern that this is the correct thing. Chilvern,
who is much pleased with the first course, says, " capital idea
of yours," to me, " ordering fish. What is it ? "

Happy Thought. — Sole Hollandaise. This is as good a
title as any other, — better.

Odd, by the way, this fish coming, as I didn't recognise the
word poisson when the waiter asked me rapidly that question
about what I'd have, or how I'd have it.

Happy Thought. — Another time will call for the carte^ and
point out each dish that I want — no mistake then.

Waiter appears with the wine.

Chilvern says, " I wish you'd ask for a pepper-box and
salt-spoon."

I frown at him. I tell him that it's a Continental custom
7iot to have salt-spoons (I don't see any), but to take it out of
the salt-cellar with your knife.

" Horrid custom ! " says Chilvern.

This is what I don't like in Chilvern abroad ; he is insular.
Because ive have pepper-casters, therefore all the world must.
\For psychological analysis^ — a 7iote i7i pocket-book. Is it by
force of antagonism that I suddenly become pre-eminently
foreign, and peculiarly un-English, when with such a mind as

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 171

Chilvern's ? Good article for Typ. DeveL Heading, Ant.
Word, Antagonism. Division, M. Mental?^ I help myself
with my knife to salt, and with my fingers to pepper.

Garqon adds watercresses to the hors-d-ceuvres. " Bravo!"
I exclaim. " yaiine beaucoiip le cresson ! "

" Watercresses, by Jingo ! " shouts Chilvem. He begs my
pardon for his excitement, but says he really thought that
'cresses were peculiarly English. I beg him not to shout.
Some young men (French or Belgian) are breakfasting at
another table, and turn round to stare at him.

I say, " Vous etes un Anglais poiir rife."

Happy Tho2tght. — To ignore my own nationality, and
pretend to be a foreigner (of some sort — don't know exactly
what), taking an Enghshman out for a holiday.

Happy Thought {when I say L^ Anglais pour rire). — Seen
this somewhere in a French picture. Don't wonder at the
idea, if the French take their notions of ns from men who
behave like Chilvern. Wish I'd come alone.

Happy Thought. — To suggest to Chilvern that, if he holds
his tongue, they w^on't know what he is.

Chilvern replies, " You be blowed ! " If it wasn't mean,
I'd tell him that I wouldn't lend him any more money.
Everything is " odd," and " rum," and " queer,'' in Chilvern's
eyes. He has got into a habit (from being with the Captain,
I think) of calling every one a "cove." He obser\'es, " What
rum coves those are ! " meaning at the other table. I tell

172 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

him, deprecatingly, that / see nothing '• rum " about them.
I reproach him with being insular. He rephes, " Oh ! insular
be blowed."

Waiter brings cutlets. Admirable. It seems then I
ordered cutlets — fish and cutlets. He then adds salad. He
asks me a question. I am taken by surprise.

Happy Thought. — Oui.

Eesult of the answer is that he takes the salad away.
" What's he done that for ? " asks Chilvern.
I am obliged to own that I don't know, " but fancy," I add,

•' that he misunderstood me."

Happy Thought. — To add, by way of explanation
to Chilvern, that it's the custom. Chilvern won't be
satisfied. Waiter brings salad back again : he took it away
to mix it.

Happy Thought. — Now then coffee and cigar. This, I
explain to Chilvern, is the real delight of dejeiinering abroad
in any cafe — you can always smoke immediately.

" Du cafe, garcon " (in an off-hand manner).

''Deux-r'

" You'll take some ? " I ask Chilvern, to show him that I
cati hold a conversation with the waiter.

" Yes, I'll have caffy," replies Chilvern.

" Oui. deux tasses," I translate.

We begin to lounge luxuriously. Suddenly motion of
vessel returns. Horrid. I hope * * *

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 173

Coffee arrives. Chilvern produces cigars, and I ask the
^vaiter for fire.

" Cest defe7idu dc f inner ici si tot,'^ he informs us apolo-
cretically.

I can't beheve it. Being unable to argue the point satis-
factorily with him, I can only explain to Chilvern that this is
not France, but Belgium. Chilvern says, then let's pay and
go. As much as to say, " Let's go to France, and not stay
in Belgium." Both dissatisfied.

Gargoft. — " L'addition"

It turns out that we have had the only two dishes that
were not on the carte du Joter, and that the waiter had asked
me, " Would I leave it to him to order ? "' and it was to this I
had answered " O/^/." Horridly dear: thought ever}'thing
(especially vin ordinaire) was so cheap abroad. Eight
francs a-piece. I explain to Chilvern that this is ver>' dif-
ferent to France. Chilvern (who hasn't had to pay) returns,
iminterestedly, " Is it ?"

Happy Thought. — Put down in pocket-book ever}-thing I
pay for Chilvern, or he may say I didn't. Shall astonish him
by-and-bye. He doesn't know what he's spending ; and
therefore doesn't seem to care. Also keep the bill. We
w^alk out. Wish Chilvern hadn't brought his umbrella. Suit
of dittos, coloured wide-awake, and umbrella. " Quite," as
Captain Dyng^vell remarked before, "the tourist." The
people will think he's a Cook's excursionist, or some sort of
"there and back for seven shillings," or "a Happy Day at
Antwerp for half-a-crown."

CHAPTER XXIV.

LES RUES D'AXVERS — THE STATUES — LIGHTS — BOYS-
CONSIDER ATIOXS — L'EGLISE DE ST. JACQUES — A RE-
FUGE— ROUT— MURRAY — THE MONK — THE MUSEUM—
CHILYERN COMES OUT — STRONGLY.

HILA'ERX stops at even- shop.

Happy Thought. — To walk on and leave him.
When I do this I hear behind me (this in the
open street, too), " Hi, old boy! hi ! look here ! Here's a rum
thing.-'

In Antwerp there is a statue — an object of religious devo-
tion— at the corner of nearly ever\- street. People going past,
I notice, generally touch their hats. Chilvem stops opposite
one larger than the rest : a light is burning before it.

" Hi 1 hallo ! look here ! " he cries. " Ain't this a rum go?
This is a queer sort of dodge for lighting the streets."

Happy Thought. — To take his arm. I explain (I am
always explaining to Chilvern) the meaning of these figures.
I beg him not to expose himself (and vie) to ridicule. I
point out that already his umbrella and costume have at-
tracted the little dirty boys. His appearance does rather

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 175

remind one of "the swell" in a pantomime: dressed in
enormously loud check " dittos." Thank goodness he hasn't
got a white shiny hat turned up with green. They (the dirty
boys) are really following us, and laughing at us — I mean at
Jwnj but, unfortunately, we are together.

HapPy Thought. — Turn down a street.

Boys still following : joined by other boys. Chilvern getting
angr}^, turns suddenly on them with his umbrella. Yells,
scrimmage, shouts. Quite the swell in the pantomime losing
his tem.per with clown and crowd, at the end of a scene.

It occurs to me, as a stranger here, what must be the
feelings of that unhappy Chinaman whom one sees in
London, perpetually walking about in the costume of his
countr}-, pursued by little ill-bred, dirty, vagabond boys.
We are in precisely the same position, all through Chilvern's
confounded "dittos" and umbrella. There really isn't another
man dressed like him in Antwerp.

Happy Thought. — See the door of a church open. Enter.
Refuge from persecuting boys.

Happy Thought. — Sanctuary in the olden time. Boys
peep in after us, but a verger, or some sort of official person
in seedy black, darts out at them from a recess, and hits the
ringleader over the head with a bunch of keys. Delighted.
We are. Rout of boys.

Happy Thought. — If we stay long enough in here, boys

176 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

%vill get tired of waiting outside. Luckily, it is, we discover,
the Church of St. Jacques. The seedy black man locks the
door, and commences at once to take us round the church
and explain. He is the regular guide.

Of all things I hate it is what Chilvern does at this
minute.

He winks at me, and puts his hand in a side-pocket,
where there is something bulky, which hitherto I had
thought was a large cigar-case. No. Out comes — a big
red book.

Murray's Guide to Belgium.

Suit of dittos, coloured widewake, umbrella, and Murray's
Guide-book ! And I was hoping that we shouldn't be taken
for English 1 If the boys see this when he comes out, it
will be worse than

Happy Thought. — To borrow it of him, and leave it, when
he's not looking, in one of the side-chapels. Do it. Wonder
what devotional Belgian will think of this book when she
finds it on going to Mass to-morrow. Murray's Guide to
Mass.

Happy Thought. — Leave Antwerp to-morrow, and go on
to Aix. Not so much " leave Antwerp^^ as leave Chilvern.

He is a nuisance. Respectably dressed, I shouldn't mind
him. If he had his own money with him, I could get rid of
him. But in his, as it were, celebrated character of a British
Excursionist in a suit of " dittos," and entirely dependent
upon vie for money, Chilvern is a nuisance.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 177

Happy Thought. —Like the Monster in Frankenstein. I'm
Frankenstein : Monster in '• dittos " with umbrella.

He has contracted a habit of staring about him, stopping
at corners and before shop- windows.

Happy Thought [zuhile he's in front of a picture-shop
luindou,';. — Go on some way ahead, as if I was not connected
with him. He'd be sure to find his way to the hotel again.
If he didn't, though ? He can't be robbed, as he has no
money, and has only got a steel watch-guard with a bunch
of keys at the end of it.

"-Hi 1 Hi ! Hi ! "' Chilvern shouting. '• Here I Look here,
I say. Here's such a rum cove at the corner of the street ! "

The " rum cove " turns out to be a monk of some order or
another. I suppress the strong desire to regard him curiously,
and only say, as a lesson to Chilvern, '• Oh, of course that's
nothing here. Do come on."

Happy Thought. — Take his arm, and walk him along
briskly.

Chilvern can't get over the monk. '• Why," he says to me,
"he had regular sandals." I am silent. A few seconds
aftenvards, he continues, suddenly, '• Why, he was shaved
all over his head ! " His next idea on the subject is that
'' he'd make his fortune at Covent Garden in the season, at
so much a night, for the Huguenots or Favoritap

Why can't Chilvern see that he offends the prejudices of
the people by talking out loud like this, and staring at a
monk ? /don't stare at a monk. I should like to, but I don't.

178 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

We go to the Museum — where the picture-galler>' is.
Woman at gate wants to know if 111 have a catalogue.
Chilvern says, " Oh, yes, do have a catalogue 1 " and takes
one off the counter. This costs me three francs. He
shouldn't take it and open it, and read in it, before it's paid
for. He replies, that it's all the same to him, as it's in
French, and he can't make it out. Shall certainly go on to
Aix to-morrow, and leave Chilvern.

Ill the Gallery. — Full of Old Masters. Students at easels
making copies in oils. I like enjoying pictures by myself.
Get away from Chilvern. He is at one end of the room.,
I in the middle. I am admiring a masterpiece by some
Flemish artist, date 1406. What queer attitudes people fell
into then I

While I am making this note, I hear Chilvern shouting
— positively shouting — "Hi! Look here, I say!'' to me.
Everybody turns round, and stares. The whole place is
disturbed.

Happy Thought. — Ignore him.

He won't be ignored. He comes towards me, calling all
the way, "I say, do look here I Come along. Here's such a
rum go!'' I return, quietly, "I wish, Chilvern, you would
not insult the prejudices of foreigners, like this. It reaUy
does not do. You wouldn't shout like this in the Royal
Academy." "No," says Chilvern, knowingly, "but this isfCt
the Academy." I tell him that his answer is not clever, and
is not a repartee. He drops the subject, and continues in
a tone a little more subdued. " But I say, do come and see

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 179

this." I ask him what it is. He is bursting with the dis-
covery of an artistic curiosity, and leads the way quickly up
the room, stopping at last in front of a picture. Everyone
is watching him. The students are eyeing him with interest.
I walk up slowly, staying on my way before a picture of a
St, Francis, r^lost of the subjects are religious.

Chilvern thinks I am not coming, so he shouts out again.
" Look here I do come, here it is ! Look ! Here's an old
cove praying like anything, and two other coves kissing
behind a door."'

He thinks 111 laugh at this. I tell him I am annoyed.
Referring sternly to the Catalogue I found the picture he
alludes to is S/. Bonavetitnra in an ecstasy^ a Pope and a
Cardinal standing in the antechamber.

I tell- Chilvern once for all that I really will not go about
with him, if he behaves like this. He has a rude unpleasant
habit of leaning over the students' shoulders Avhile they are
at work, and examining their paintings as if he understood
them critically. I remonstrate with him.

" Lor bless you," he replies, '' they rather like it ; they think
I'm going to buy."

A small bandy-legged amateur is hard at work before an
Adoration of the Magi, by Rubens. His manipulation is
most creditable. Judging from a distance I should say this
earnest student will make a good copy, and will advance in
his art. Chilvern looks over his shoulder — quite bends over
him. I think the little man rather resents this as he shakes
his head sharply, and a slip of the brush is the result. Instead
of begging his pardon and taking off his hat politely, Chilvern

N 2

i8o MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

observes to him with a wink, " Hallo, Rubens Junior,
you're making a nice muck o' this, you are." Disgusting !
The student doesn't understand English, and says so, in

French.

Happy Thought. — Leave the Gallery while Chilvern isn't
looking. If he picks me up I'll take him back to the hotel,
and leave him there.

Lost my way. Thought I recollected the streets : ask at
a shop. Will they have the goodness to show me the route
to the Hotel de St. Antoine ? They understand the question
in French, or they catch the name. A little woman bustles
out into the street, catches me by the elbow, and gives mc
directions in rapid Flemish^at least, I suppose it's Flemish :
if not, it's German. Perhaps German a7id Flemish. I thank
her politely.

Happy Thought. — Say Merci beaucoup., and take off my
hat. She appears dissatisfied with her own instructions, and
recommences more volubly and more emphatically than
before. I'm to do something " rechts," then "links."

Happy Thought. — Watch her arms and hands. During
the instructions she makes herself into sign-posts. Deduction
from watching : Rechts is Right : Links is Left.

I again say, Mcrci beaucoup.^ salute her more profoundly
than before, and she retires to the door of her shop.

As I haven't understood her in the least, what is the best
thin^ to do?

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. i8i

Happy Thought. — Walk straight on. I look back : she is
■.vatching my movements. I bow again, to encourage her
in the idea that I have clearly comprehended ever)-thing she
has been telling me.

Looking back again, I find the delay has just upset my
plans. Here is Chilvern running after me, waving his
umbrella and shouting, '" Hi ! here 1 stop ! 1 say, stop 1 "

Happy Thought. — Better stop, as he's attracting attention,
and I might be taken for a thief, or the boys might come out
again. Hang Chilvern. I let him come up with me. " To-
morrow," I tell him decidedly, '' I go on to Aix, and leave
vou."

CHAPTER XXV.

ACCOUNTS — MEMS — DIFFERENCES —CHARACTER— ROUND
SUM — ACQUAINTANCES — VOW — SIGNED — ROW — WAK -
ING MOMENTS— DODGE.

APPY THOUGHT {before I go mu ay from
Ant-cverp). — Find out exactly how we (that is.
Chilvern and I) stand.

This is a pohte way of putting the question.
''How much does Chilvern owe me?" Chilvern himself
says that's just what he wants to know. Have I kept an
account ? " Yes, I have," I am able to answer, '• to a certain
extent, and we can leave the rest to memoiy.''' Chilvern
says his memorys a very good one : so, I return, is mine.

I know I put down most of what I paid for Chilvern in my
pocket-book, yet, on looking carefully through it, I can only
find one entry — '" Chilvern, Soap. ifr. 50c.'"'

[This discussion takes place in our bed-room on my last
evening in Antwerp. Dyngwell and Cazell have, I believe,
quarrelled, and are enjoying themselves separately.]

Chilvern remembers the soap. " Odd !" he says. "Now
I come to think of it, I can't call to mind anything else."

I search the pocket-book again. I know I entered his ac-
count somewhere, and headed it in large letters, "' Chilvern."

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 183

Happy Thought {luhiie I am looking in 710 f e-book). — His
share of the dejeuner a la foioxhette.

Chilvern admits this. "How much?" "Seven francs"
(at a guess), Chilvern thinks it was six; because he says
"Don't I recollect asking him whether it was fifty or a
hundred centimes that went to a franc."'

No, I doti't recollect this. I shouldn't have asked such a
question. "Well," says Chilvern, "I know you asked me
something about centimes, because you didn't want to
change another franc, and wished to use the coppers in
your pocket."

\Note here for Typical Developments. — ]My mind is so
constituted to believe in others, that if a man positively
asserts something, and continuously goes on asserting it,
I give in : against my better judgment, I give in. I don't
like the man for doing it, and I go away feeling that time
will show whether I am right, or he. But when time does
show, and I go to the other man and say, " Look here ! you
were wrong, after all ! "' he has forgotten all about it,
generally denies having said anything of the sort, asserts
perhaps something totally contrary, or takes my view of the
original case, and swears he had always held it, and so
begins the complication all over again.]

How a man's character comes out in travelling I Chilvern
is obstinate. Chilvern is ungrateful. Chilvern is niggardly.
Again, what I did not expect, Chilvern repudiates, and
condescends to mere details. I am at least three pounds
twelve shillings and sixpence out of pocket by him, and he
says "he doesn't see how I make that out." I answer that

i84 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

'V don't go into details, but put it down as a round sum,
which may be a httle more one way or the other/'

He says he doesn't see vrhat there is beyond " soap "' and
"breakfast."' I tell him, " Lots of little things, that mount
up."

Happy Thought. — To say, playfully, " 111 draAv it out as a
bill." If this wasn't said playfully, I feel it might be
unpleasant.

Fr. c.

Porters from boat and hotel . . . .20
For several things on board boat . . . . 5 c

Breakfast 70

Cigars 30

Catalogue at Museum .....30

Tips to men for showing churches, <S:c. (at least) 7 o
Matches for cigars . . . . .025

Soap ........ I 50

Total . . . . 28

These are all I can recollect. Then there's the hotel bill.
Chilvern admits it will be all right, if I lend him three pounds
more to take him back again. I say, " Won't Cazell do
that ? "' He returns, that he'd rather not ask Cazell.

Happy Thought. — Say, " We'll see about it to-morrow."
Will pretend to forget it, and get off by the train when he^s
out of the way.

To bed.

Happy Thought. — Tell Chilvern to go and see the

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 1S5

Cathedral to morrow morning at 1 1.30. Give him a franc to
do it with. My train starts at 12.15 ; and directly he has
gone I can be off. Leave him to Cazell.

In Bed {zi'ith ?iote-book).—Q^r\\ sleep, whether it's thi
foreign atmosphere or whether it isn't I don't know. I
ought to be tired, but I am not.

Happy Thought. — Take note-book and jot.

Jot down memoranda. Perhaps while I'm jotting meras.
for future, I may recollect what I've spent on Chilvern.
Shan't travel with Chilvern again unless he has money, and
hasn't a suit of dittos. Also, he must be less insular and
narrow.

A propos of '•' narrow," note for my own improvement ;
fneuis.j Books to read while I'm away ; French — Balzac
(what works ?— find 'em out and select two or three), Motor
Hugo's r Homme qui Rit. Also some standard works, say
Mohere's plays. While I'm taking baths at Aix, might
devote my time to learning German, and reading Goethe's
Faust in the orginal. List of books also to read when I return
Froude's twelve volumes. Must read this : ever>'one who
reads anything talks about this.

Met an elderly gentleman and his sister, who were well up
in it, to-day, in the hotel drawing-room.

Happy Thought {in reply to any question about Ffoude).
— No; I've not been right through it yet. The next question
will be, probably, "Of course you've read his third volume?"
To which the reply (if you haven't) must be, thoughtfully,

i86 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

'•Let me see, — the third volume, — what is that about? — I
forget at this moment " Then rely upon your interro-
gator, who, ten to one, is a humbug after all. Note. — People
read Histor}- by short cuts now-a-days, in Reviews.

Happy Tlwught. — Will make the acquaintance of a Ger-
man philosopher, and ask him what he thinks of the idea of
Typical Develop?nen/s. Get him to translate it. Should like
very much to get into a set of German philosophers. Must
learn German. Im sure my leading ideas are thoroughly
German — deep and profound : only while one is with such
men as Dyngwell, Boodels, Milburd, Chilvern, and so forth-
one fritters av.ay one's deeper feelings. I'm waiting my time.

As I finish this note, and am about to blow out the candle,
I record this, as a sort of vow or resolution, in writing.

(Chilvern's room is next to mine. I never heard such
feaj'fu I snoring: '"fearful'" is the word.)

Resohition. — I have two months or so before me. Got to
get rid of rheumatic gout (if any in me, which must be dis-
covered; at Aix. While there will study German, and go in
for Gennan philosophy. Will avoid all frivolity, and take
this opportunity of working at Typical Developjnoits, Vol. I.,
in order to have it out with Popgood and Groolly at the
beginning of the year. This I vow. Signed (in bed).

If there is anything I detest, it is a fellow snoring when
you want to go to sleep yourself. I call to him. More
snoring. I will call till I wake him. Call. Snore. Call.
Louder snore — apparently derisive. Call. Snore : irritating
to the last degree. Call again. Shout. Thumping at wall :

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 187

man next door begs (in American-English) I won't do that.
I reply that it's a fellow snoring. Call to Chilvern again.
Louder. American next door shouts out that he'll complain
to the hotel manager. I tell him that I really must stop a
friend of mine's snoring. The door between Chilvern's room
and mine is open, that's why I hear him so plainly. Why
should I get out and shut it? " Hi ! Chilvern, wake up !"
American, next room, thumping, wants to know if I mean to
insult him and his wife ?

No, I don't. Confound Chilvern ! These Americans
think nothing of revolvers, and in a foreign country- he'd be
applauded for calling me out. Chilvern suddenly grunts,
gasps, and, apparently, wakes himself up with a start. He
asks, '• What is it ? " vaguely, and adds, that " he's just been
dreaming of frogs." I tell him to shut his door. He won't
get out of bed. Xo more will I. He says, "Shut it yourself,
if you don't like it." I tell him it's /i/s door. He says, " It's
yours as much as mine." Row. He suddenly changes his
tone (it occurs to him, probably, that I may not lend him his
three pounds, or may go off without paying his share of the
bill), and, getting out of bed, shuts the door.

Never catch me with Chilvern again. Shall certainly send
him to the Cathedral to-morrow, and leave while he's there.

CHAPTER XXVI.

ADIEU ! AXVERS '. — TICKETS — CHILVERN FINISHED - -
C//A.VG£-T-0.y f —THE BUFFET— STOPPAGE — COCKALO-
RUMS— AIX LA CH APE LLE— BAGGAGE — fly —

L"h6TEL— PICK UP NAMES— OBSERVATIONS — RECEP-
TION— POPULARITY — LANGUAGE — NOVELTIES — CHAM-
BERMAID—RESTAURANTS—RETURN— MISTAKE.

^^g^T THE RAILWAY STATION, ANTWERP,
en route f 07' Aix. — Rather a crowd at the ticket
place, and I come in at the tail. My ear not
having been accustomed to rapidly - spoken
French (by-the-way, I wonder how a Frenchman ever masters
the names of our stations as called out by the porters I) I am
unable to grasp the exact sum demanded of me for my
ticket.

Happy TJiought. — Put down a Napoleon, and see what
change comes out of it.

Clerk doesn't take it, but says something more rapidly in
French.

Happy Thought. — Say hien.. and put down another Napo-
leon.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 189

I am not able to count the change, owing to being pushed
away by an excited person behind, and led off, at once, by an
intelligent porter to get my luggage weighed, for which I have
to pay almost as much as for myself.

I suddenly come upon Dyng^vell in a smoking carriage.
We are the only two — the Captain and myself — out of our
original party, going to Aix. He informs me that Chilvern
received some money this morning from London. End of
Chilvern. Still he's got to settle up with me.

I make a point of asking the guard at ever)- station,
whether we change here. Nothing like being certain. Dyng-
well wants to know how long we wait at Liege. I advise him
(knowing his peculiar French) to ask the Guard. The result
is that the Captain addresses him thus : "Hi, Old Cocka-
lorum, do we stop the waggon here, eh 1 " Cockalorum
returns some answer, and Dyngwell asks me what he said.
I interpret it as, " We hardly stop here five minutes." The
result is, in point of fact, that we don't go on again for nearly
half an hour. After ten minutes Dyngwell decides upon
going to " the buffet."' He immediately asks for bitter beer
loudly, and gets it at once. I can't make up my mind
whether it's more Continental to take coffee and a cigarette,
or vi7t ordinaire and some roast chicken. I have decided
upon the former, and am trj-ing to attract a gargon, when
Dyngwell says, '' time's up : the bulgine's on again." Bulgitic
with him means " Engine ; " but I somehow fancy that he
imagines it to be French. I remark that everyone (with the
exception of such Cockalorums as the Guard, who rather
stands on the dignity of his uniform, I imagine) understands

I90 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

the Captain's English, while they don't seem to get on very
well with iny French. Dyngwell notices this too.

Happy Thought. — To explain it to him thus, that these are
Belgians, and don't speak like les vrais Parisieiis. (When
in Paris I can look forward to saying that Belgium and Ger-
many have spoilt my accent — satisfactory.)

We cross the frontier, and suddenly hear nothing but
German. X&cx strange this at first. Dyngwell thinks it
would be a rum sort of a start if one went from Kent to
Sussex (from Tunbridge Wells to Brighton, for instance) and
didn't understand the language at Three Bridges Station.
Dyngwell, I note, has more in him than meets the eye.

Aix at last. When you get there it is called Aachen.
DyngAvell explains this happily; he says a Frenchman ex-
pects to find Londres^ and it turns out to be London.

Examination of Baggage. — Questions in Gennan : answer
in dumb show, like a pantomime. We have too much lug-
gage for one trap, so Captain goes on alone. He calls his
coachman a Cockalorum, and the man touches his hat. I
feel somehow desolate : wish I hadn't come. Everj'thing
looks drear}'. I think of Fridoline, and the baby with the
rash, and my mother-in-law at Brighton. Wish I'd gone
with them. But as I have come all this way to find out
whether I've got latent rheumatic gout anywhere about me
or not, I am determined to go through the ordeal, whatever
it may be. I am put into a fly — such a machine ! Three
miles an hour, and an unwashed coachman in a glazed hat.
Destination. L' Hotel die Grand Monarqiie. Sounds well

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 191

First Observation in Xote-Book. — Strasse means street.
Mem. Will learn German while here. We descend the broad
Theater-Strasse.

Happy Thought. — Then there's a Theater here.

We pass a large hotel — we pass a colonnade. IMore
hotels — plenty of people about : nearly all, apparently,
English.

Second Observation. — That at the first glance Aix has a
highly respectable appearance, but not gay.

The Hotel at last: courtyard as usual — very fine place.
Like a courtyard. I descend : a bell rings — sort of alarm of
visitors. More bells. Two porters, an under- waiter, a head-
waiter (evidently, though more like an English Curate in
an open waistcoat), and in the distance on the stairs two
chambermaids come out to receive me. Forsee donations
to all these when I leave.

Note. Continental Chambermaids always so neat. Dressed
exactly to suit their position. No snobbishness.

Happy Thought. — Commence in French (French carries
you ever}'where) Je desire nne chambre au seconde, et

l7n?nediate Reply of the Low-ivaistcoated-Curate. — "Yes,
Sir, if you'll step up this way, I will show you." Ver>^ annoy-
ing. If you want to speak another language than your o^vn,
merely for practice, they won't let you.

The Head-Waiter insists upon my taking rooms on the
first instead of the second floor, as the season is just ending,
and it will be all the same. He leaves me, and enter the

193 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Chambermaid. She smiles (sweetly), and addresses me in
her own native tongue— German. She is asking me, I imagine,
from her thumping the bed and then putting a question,
whether I am going to bed now. Good gracious, it's only
five o'clock.

Happy Thought. — Nein.

This I fancy sounds rough, so I soften it off with Merci.
She is now putting another question, this time with a jug in
her hand. Evidently, will I have some water. 1 distinguish
the word wasser.

Happy Thought. — Yah — adding with a smile "j^// vous
plait !^ Another question from her. Wasser again, but thi:^
time she mentions Hice-iuasse?-. Iced-Water? Nein, on no
account, vierci. thank you. But I should like some — some —
(I want to say warm water for my hands;. Why isn't there
one universal language, say, English ?

Happiest Thought. — To say Warm Wasser. She is intelli-
gent [and sweet-looking though not young], p'raps she's heard
Englishmen try this before, for she replies, laughing good-
naturedly (as if I had said something not quite proper, but
which she would look over as only attributable to my igno-
rance of the language) " Varm-vasserJ'

Happy Thought. — '"'Oui, I mean yes, Yah, Varm-vasser."
She leaves me.
Note. — It's a great thing to have the command of a Ian-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 193

guage. Within half an hour of my arrival I have mastered
three words. S/rasse is street, IVasser is water, IVarm is
warm ; and I establish one rule, that " w " is pronounced
like " V."

I recollect, when travelling a long time ago, that
Vahzo means a good deal. Try it presently, and watch
the result.

After unpacking, examine the Hotel. Very nice. Every-
thing looks worthy of the Grand Mo?iargue, to whom this
Hotel is dedicated. Go out and examine the town. Although
I've never been here in my life, I seem to have seen it all
before, somewhere. Excellent shops : large restaurant. No
out-of-door seats and tables. Those who are not English
are in uniform, at least so it seems at first. Men in uniform
are wheeling barrows, men in uniform are driving carts, men
in uniform and spectacles are saluting superior uniforms with
epaulettes, and also spectacles. To the English eye the town
appears to be garrisoned by our postmen. Becoming accus-
tomed to them, you gradually pick out the officers, most of
vv^hom are, apparently, short-sighted and use the pince-nez.
Ever>'body is smoking, except the ladies, of course. The
toilettes here are not remarkable.

In the Theater-Strasse an enormous building is guarded
by a ver)' small sentry. Think the building is a bank, or a
post-office. He (the small sentr)') carries a big gun in a
slouching way, and occasionally stops to look at nothing in
particular, with one hand in his pocket. Servant-maids walk
about like the Parisian grisettes in clean-looking caps, gene-
rally carr}-ing a basket, and an umbrella. [Mt'vi. agaui.

194 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Continental servant-maids aj-e servant-maids. No mistaking
them for anything else. No aping superiors. How much
better than red ribands, green gloves, yellow parasols, and
extravagant Jupes.] Umbrellas are popular. I meet a large
sprinkling of the clerical element in chimney-pot hats with
narrow brims. The Don Basilio type is not here. Sisters
of Charity (also with baskets and umbrellas) in plenty, all
looking particularly cheerful and happy. In the window of
a bookseller's shop I see a Manual of Conversation in Four
Languages.

Happy Thought. — Buy it.

With this purchase I return to the Grand Monarque. The
Head-Waiter, who is politeness itself, begs me to inscribe my
name in a book. I suppose Dyngwell has been telling him
about my writing Typical Developments^ and bringing out a
work with Popgood and Groolly. I say I will give him my
autograph with pleasure.

It is in the List of Visitors.

I write it down. Head- Waiter smiles, "Ah," he says, " I
know it well.'"' I am flattered. '' Indeed ? " I return, thinking
of Dyng\vell. It's rather nice of Dyngwell if he has done
this ; I really did not imagine he had such an appreciation
of literature. " Yes," the Head- Waiter continues, with his
peculiar accent, " I remember him well in London, in 'Olborn.
Name well known. I am glad to see you here. Sir."'

I don't live in Holborn, and I never had any association
with the place. Is it possible that my intention of publishing
has got about, and that even this waiter No, it can't be.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 195

He goes on to explain. I faid that he has mistaken the
speUing, and has confounded me (confound him!) with a
Large Cheap Tailor's Establishment. Annoying, but lucky
I discover it in time.

CHAPTER XXVII.

THE WAITER — PANTOMIMIC— CONCERT— EARLY HOURS-
PROBABILITIES — GERMAN DIALOGUES— KALT—ZIMMER
— COUNTERPANE — PRACTICE — BAD.

IXE with Dyngwell at the large Restaurant.

In 7)1}' Room. — Ring bell. Tall German waiter

answers. He has a way of understanding you

before you speak — anticipator}- style, provoking.

He enters with '"'You ring?" I reply that I did. He

returns, " I thought so. You want some tea, some eggs,

some coffee — what .^ ''

No. I ii'as going to have ordered tea, but I won't now,
just to show him that this is not the sort of thing to tr)- with
me. That Vm not one of his ordinary travelling Englishmen.
I order, consequently, some sherry and seltzer. " Sherry and
seltzer," he repeats, ''anting else? Xo.' Xo meat, no
bread, no butter, nutting? Xo?''

This sort of thing makes one ver}- angry : it's a liberty. I
answer sternly, *' Xo, nothing else."'

Happy Thought. — ''Yes, a biscuit." I order this, because
he hasn't suggested biscuits. He replies, '• Sherr}-, seltzer,
biscuits, nutting else? Xo? I bring you dem," and dis-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 197

appears. I say "disappears/' because he is round the corner
of the door and out on the landing before I know he has
gone. A pantomimic German.

Open my desk and commence reviewing my papers.
Waiter back again. " Sherr)-, seltzer, biscuits, all you want ?
No ? " I say, almost savagely (for it is just as if I was being
worried into ordering something else, or hadn't ordered
enough), " Open the bottle,"'

He echoes me again. "Open? yes." He performs this
quickly and jerkily. " Zo. Put him in ? "

Happy Thought. — To nod instead of replying, by way of
checking him.

" Anyting else ? " he immediately asks. " No ? nutting
else? no." He has vanished, before I recollect. But I do
want to ask him something. " Here, Garcon .'"

Happy Thought. — Kellner, not Gargon. " Kellner ! "

He is back again from the bottom of two flights of stairs,
in less than five seconds. " You call, yes ? You want some-
ting? No?"

" Yes ; I want to know if there is anything going on
here to-night?" He shrugs his shoulders, and smiles
vaguely.

"Is there?" I repeat.

"Yes, going on? Yes," he answers. His "Yes "is very
prolonged ; a thoughtful affirmative.

"What is it?"

"Yes. Going on for day?" Then, after a moment's con-

198 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

sideration, he decides upon telling the truth, which takes this
form, " I not know what you say."

Happy Thought. — To put it thus, slowly, " Is-there-a-Con-
cert, any Music, or is the Theatre open?"

" Oh ! " a light breaks in upon him, '" A Concert ? No, no
Concert. De Tayarter is for tree days open. Not dis night.
De Band in de Elisa-ga.rten in mornin play."

Happy Thought. — \'ery nice. Stroll there about eleven
to-morrow. Rank and fashion.

Ask the exact time of performance.

" Seven hour," he answers.

" Plays for seven hours I'" I exclaim.

"No !" he laughs, and shakes his head as correcting his
own mistake. '" Seven o'clock " (this very distinctly) ; " de
Band play all mornins from seven to eight."

What ! 1 1 Get up at six-thirty A.M. to go to a Concert at
seven.

''Do many people go to this concert at seven?" I can't
help inquiring.

*'A11 people here," he replies. I am staggered. What
time is the Theatre then, I wonder. P'raps at 4 A.M.

Suppers at ten in the morning. Fierce dissipation
at midday. That "11 do. No, I don't want anything
more.

Decision at present. — Not to go to the Concert in the
Elisa-garten at seven to-morrow morning. Examine con-
versation-book in four languages, in order to address the

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 199

Chambermaid to-morrow morning on the subject of wasser,
boots, clothes, and bath.

The Chambermaid, I find, (to begin with'^ is a Zimmer-
mddcheti. This is satisfactory.

Happy Thought. — To arrange (before I go to sleep to-
night) a conversation Avith the Zimmermadchen. I think
Guten viorgen is good morning. Can't find it. Guten
jnorgen, Zi}?imertnddche?i, will do ver}- nicely to begin with.

Happy Thought. — Must also master the coinage. They
took francs to-day in payment for my conversation-book.
One thing at a time. Zimmermadchen at first. How
travelling does enlarge our views. I little thought two weeks
ago that I should be calling any one a Zimmermadchen,
and understanding what I meant by it. Also, mustn't
forget what I came for ; i.e., to call on the Doctor, to whom
I have an introduction, and ask him if I have got rheumatic
gout latent anywhere. If so where, and what's to be done
for it.

It is veiy cold at night.

Happy Thought. — To ask the Zimm.ermadchen in the
morning for a counterpane and more blankets. Look out
*' counterpane " and '' blankets," before I go to sleep, in
dictionar}', so as to remember them in the morning.

Can't find "counterpane." Das Betttucii is blanket.

Happy Thought. — Look out '* coverlet " instead of

200 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

" counterpane.'' Got it — Oberdecke. " Zimmermddchenr
I will say, " Ich iviifische cine Oberdecke und zwct
Betttuchs:'

Sleep on it — I mean sleep on the phrase.

Wake in the morning : rehearse the speech to myself two
or three times. Add to it. Bringen Sze mir — [" Bring me."
nothing more simple : and it's wonderful how sleeping in
a foreign town brings the language out of you in the morn-
ing, like the sulphur waters do to the gout] — Bringen Sie mir
heiss IVasser.'' " 77<?m " is " hot," and yesterday I thought
by the sound it meant just the contrary.

Am I ready to converse with Zimmermadchen ? Yes.
Ring the bell. Rehearse again to myself quietly. Let me
see, I've forgotten what '* blankets " was. Shan't have time
to look it out before she comes, and it looks so absurd t >
read to her from a book.

Enter the Zimmermadchen. She wishes me, in her own
native tongue (I'll astonish her presently), " Good morning."
I feel a little nervous — why should I be nervous .' It's non-
sense to be nervous. By the way I want a bath, and I've
forgotten to look it out. She has brought some heiss IVasser,
so the words I knew best I have not got to say.

Happy Thought. — Begin the conversation by alluding to
the heiss IVasser. Try to assume a careless easy tone, as if
talking German had been the amusement of my leisure hours
for years. Odd, I feel that I don't pronounce the words
nearly so well as at my rehearsals.

'"'■ Sie haben heiss IVasser-' I say it boldly. She is as much

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 201

astonished as Balaam was, I should imagine. It must ccme
upon her like a voice from the bed itself.

She laughs and replies, " heiss IVasser, jaP Success :
now for number two.

" Oh, Zimmermadchen, I want '' — failure. She stares —
perhaps it strikes her that I'm a great linguist, and know so
many languages that I'm mixing them up — perhaps it doesn't
— " I mean Ich tviinsche eiiie OderdcckeT

'■'• 2\ix Viwm genonf?'^ she asks ; at least, so it sounds, and
I understand it perfectly. \tx\ like English, " Not warm
enough ? "'

''^ Nein^^ I return in, this time, admirably grammatical
German.

Now all I want her to say is, " Yes, I'll bring your ober-
decke," and while she's gone I'll look out '"tepid bath" in the
dictionary. But she commences a series of questions, or
remarks, or both, founded evidently upon the mistaken
impression, which my starting so fluently in her own native
tongue had given her, that I talk and understand German.

Happy Thought. — Stick to " Yah^ eine Obet'decke.^^
She laughs (what at ? I don't know) and goes away. Now
then. Bad is bath ; tepid is . . . tepid is . . . not down —
what a dictionary ! It will be worth while studying German
here for the sake of my fellow-countrymen who want diction-
aries. Tepid is not in the conversation-book. Kalt is cold,
but I don't want a cold bath. " If you please " isn't in the
conversation-book. Yet they seem a polite people. Perhaps
it wasn't a polite person who compiled this book.

202 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Ein Bad in it halt unci heiss IVasser.
Kalt und heiss together must be tepid.

Re-enter Zimmermadchen, with such a coverlet ! A bed
in itself — a sort of balloon stufted with feathers, which she
plumps down on the bed. I can't explain that it is not at all
the sort of thing I mean, because I don't know the German
for the phrase, and I can't keep her waiting in the room
while I find out the words in the dictionary. She says some-
thing about '• Das ist gut, sop And I reply (not to hurt her
feelings) '' Yah, das ist gootp {Yah should be spelt, I find,
^•'Ja"— odd.)

" Varm ?" says she.

'"Very varm," I reply weakly, giving up my German and
running into bad English.

Then comes the ^' Ein bad''' request. She does understand
me, and brings it.

Rise aid go to breakfast with Dyngwell.

Impressions of German language at first. — Not unlike
broad Scotch if talked by a nigger. '''Yah, yah," just like
the Christv minstrels, is ahvavs coming; in.

CHAPTER XXVIir.

doctor's visit — invalid's breakfast — dyxgwell's
advice — system — professor wanted —invalids at

DINNER— TABLE D'HoTE — MIXTURE — THE TIMES —
DECEPTIONS — DIFFICULTIES — NOTE FOR POPGOOD —
MY TUMBLER AND I.

HE Doctor comes while we are at breakfast, and
takes me by surprise. There are eggs, tongue,
grilled chicken-cum-mushrooms on the table ;
also, coffee, tea, and preserve. I am munching
buttered toast, and generally speaking haven't been so tho-
roughly well or less like an invalid in the whole course of my
life.

Waiter says, " This is the Herr," pointing to me, and in-
troduces us.

Doctor Caspar begs I won't derange myself (in excellent
English), and will call again. I suppose he means call again
when I've done the buttered toast, and am more like an
invalid.

Me7n. — It's odd that whenever a doctor calls upon me, as
a patient, suddenly, I generally happen to be looking remark-
ably well, and all the symptoms that made me send for him
(when, of course, he couldn't come) have vanished. My idea

204 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

of a doctor's visit is, that he should find one moaning, groan-
ing, and looking wretchedly pale : also, '' unable to touch a
morsel,"' not, as Caspar finds me, eating breakfast enough for
two, and enjoying it.

Happy Thought. — Apologise for being in such good health.
Captain Dyng^vell and Dr. Caspar, I perceive, know one an-
other. They talk about what has happened in Dyng^vel^s
absence. It appears that nothing has happened in his absence
(which they expatiate upon to a considerable extent), where-
upon he puts his glass in his eye, and asks after several
" Cockalorums.'' [Dr. Caspar and the Captain both use
glasses ; the first invariably, the second occasionally.] The
Cockalorums generally seem to be doing ver)' well, judging
from the Doctors statistics, who is quite an fait at Dyng-
well's peculiar English.

" This Cove," says Dyngwell, when the conversation has
come to a standstill, inclining his head sideways towards me,
'• has got the regular rumti-iddities, papsylals, and pande-
noodles all in one. Reg'lar bad case — quite the invalid —
give him something to rub in."'

With which piece of medical advice he nods to both of us,
and lounges out of the room, observing that we shall meet
at the table d^hote.

Alone with the Doctor, and the remains of the breakfast.
Short conversation. Serious moment. Feel that Frivolity
has gone out with Dyngwell. Doctor examines me through
his eye-glass, which seems a sort of operation in itself. De-
cision soon arrived at ; namely, that probably Fve got rheu-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 205

matic gout somewhere about me, and that if I don't know
what's the matter with me now, I soon shall. " The waters,"
Dr. Caspar explains, " will bring it out, whatever it is."

The summing up appears to me to be, " if you've come all
the way to Aachen without having something the matter,
we'll soon knock up a disease for you, and you'll be as bad
as anyone here in no time."

Doctor says I must begin the system to-morrow.

System. — Rise at 6"30. Take the waters at the Elisa
Fountain. Take a short walk : take this ivith the Concert
in the garden. Take another glass : take some more Con-
cert. Return to hotel — light breakfast— emphatically, light
breakfast. I again apologise for to-day's excess in breakfast,
and lay it on Dyngwell.

System cofitmued. — An hour and a half after breakfast
take a bath : stop in, twenty-five minutes. Return to hotel.
Keep warm till dinner-time at i '30, when serve myself up at
fable d'hote, hot.

Understand it all. Write it down. Determine to do it.
Wonder what will be the result. Wonder what lijill be the
matter with me when I've gone through a course of the
system.

HapPy Thought. — If I don't like it, shall go home.

Caspar being gone, I am 7iot a man again. Remember
suddenly lots of things I ought to have asked him.

Make Meins to ask him when we meet again. May I take
champagne? or sherry? or both. If not, which, or what?
How about vegetable? How about tea and coftee? Will

2g6 more happy thoughts.

sugar hurt me ? Will milk make any difference ? WTiere
am I to get the waters? Where is the Elisa Garden ? Who
gives the waters ? Must one be a subscriber to get the
waters ? If so — How much ? If much — Can't I get the
waters somewhere else ? ^^1lat am I to do in the bath ?
What am I to say when I go there ? In what language am
I to ask for a bath ? Will they know what I want ?

Happy Thought. — Ask Dyngwell. When I ask him a itw
of these questions, adding that I am going through the
course, he observes, interrogatively, "What, my light-hearted
invalid, coming out as the perfect cure, eh ? "

Must ask about learning German. Get a German pro-
fessor. Quite common, I suppose, a German professor.

Happy Thought. — If they're swimm:ng-baths, I could
learn German while swimming about with a professor in the
water. Dyngwell, to whom I mention this as an idea,
remarks that, as for swimming, of course it depends how
much water I want for that, as the bath is only about six feet
by four. Still, it is a good idea.

Happy Thought. — The Doctor, who also dines at the table
dilute, will stop me if he sees me eating or drinking any-
thing wrong. Can take ever\-thing till stopped. Several
English there — all invalids : also invalids of various nations.
Dr. Caspar points them out to me, so does D\Tig%vell.
Dyngwell tells me that the Cockalorum opposite me was
quite a cripple when he came, but now, he says, ''he's no

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 207

end of a hand at skittles." He nudges me (Dyngwell is
quite conversational here) to remark the " rum coon next me
on my left." I do so. He is a cheerful-looking elderly
gentleman in spectacles. Captain informs me that " he's a
Prussian Attorney in ver^' good practice, which would be
better if he wasn't for four months in the year in a lunatic
asylum. The waters,'' Dyngwell adds, " are bringing it out
of him,'' (bringing what out of him ? — lunacy ?) " but he's not
all right yet : in fact he's liable to be taken worse at any
moment."

Happy Thought. — Shall change my seat to-morrow.

Dining is different in Prussia to anywhere else, I believe.
We start with soup and fish, as in England ; after this I lose
myself. Better appear as if I was accustomed to this style
of living.

Happy Thought. — Take a little of everything. When I
dine here again shall know more about it. Besides if I'm
wrong, Doctor will stop me.

Result of this determination is, that having got clear of the
soup and fish, I find myself taking beef and jam (I think),
chicken and cutlets, salad and stewed pears, some sort of
game very bitter, and pudding and cheese on the same plate.
" The whole to conclude," as the play-bills say, '• with the
laughable farce of walnuts." Then coffee and cigars. The
Doctor doesn't stop me.

I can't help remarking sotto voce to DyngNvell, that it's a
queer sort of dinner. " You mean," says he, " it's a queer

i:o8 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

sort of mixture you've made of it."' He explains that though
the waiters hand round these dishes quickly and together,
yet it's only that everyone may make a choice of what he
likes. Dyngvvell says, " Never mind ; waiters will put it into
you ; waters will take it out of you." The waters, according
to Dyngwell, will take everything out of you.

After dinner we all become conversational, inclining to-
wards argument. The Skittler is introduced to me ; the
lunatic attorney retires (thank goodness) ; a tall Englishman
(.vho hasn't dined there) saunters in and joins our end of the
table. The theme of his conversation is that he can dine
somewhere in the town on a rumpsteak, eggs, and beer for a
shilling. Nobody denies it ; and, apparently, nobody envies
him. An American moves his coffee-cup up to us, and
wants to know who's seen the paper to-day. No one has,
and a lull takes place in the conversation.

Happy Thought. — We get the English papers here.

Note. — When the Z'/wt-j arrives is uncertain: but it does
come ver}' early in the morning. Much dishonesty is
practised to get it at once. The porter is entreated, the
waiters are sent all over the hotel with indignant messages
from one person to another about '' keeping it so long."
Dyngwell has craftily told the porter at the door, that, at
whatever hour of the morning the Times arrives, he is to
come and wake him up to read it. Consequently Dyngwell
is awoke, to have first look at it : which operation, I ascer-
tain, he performs, first., by being angry at having been
roused; secondly, by getting half awake, and saying. ''Hey,

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 209

what ? the Cockalorum with the thingummy; " thirdly, by a
delay of two or three minutes, to discover " where his infernal
eyeglass has got to," which he finds somewhere over his
shoulder, with one string entangled in his whiskers ; y^//;-///;//,
to "shake himself together ;"yf/}'///j', to select one attitude for
reading in bed less uncomfortable than another ; and, lastly,
to unfold the Times, confounding it because it isn't cut, and
asking, vaguely, "why don't they cut it, hang 'em?" He
just dashes through it. I observe, while craftily waiting in
my dressing-gown to take it to my own room, (and, perhaps,
Happy Thought, hide it, which I admit is wrong, — but if I
don't, and once go out, there'll be no more chance of seeing
it for to-day) to him, — " Surely you can't get much out of the
Times that way .'' " he replies that he only wants to see if they
say anything about him in it. It appears that they don't on
any morning ; which causes the Captain to use a vast amount
of strong language about the old Cockalorums at the Horse
Guards, through whom, it seems, he has got some transac-
tions about selling out, or purchasing in, or exchanging. I
don't exactly understand what he is so irate about, but. from
his explanation, I conceive that Commissions are not to be
had for purchasing ; or his isn't a good one for selling; or
that no one will exchange with him; or that the fellow
who said he would, wouldn't ; or some other military
difficulty.

Happy Thoi^ght. — Get Dyngwell to explain the army
system to me. Include it under A, Typ. DeveL, B. I., Vol. I.
Published by Popgood and Groolly, with Addenda to the

2IO MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Thirteenth Edition. Dedicated to — to — whom? Must think
of that. Something to think of while I'm at Aix.

Happy Thought. — Put Times in my room. Go and take
my first waters at EHsa Fountain. Porter at door tells me I
must take my own tumbler. Porter at door, wonderful
linguist, in a sort of uniform. Speaks ever)^ language:
shouldn't be astonished if a Chinaman were to arrive, and
the Porter were to tackle him in his ov/n native tongue at
once. I take my tumbler, and, feeling a little odd v.ith it,
put it in my great-coat pocket.

CHAPTER XXIX.

DRINK THE FIRST — ELISA— MISS ELISA — A SMELL— OTHER
DRINKERS— IDEA OF LANGUAGE— SPIRIT— OBSERVA-
TIONS— DYNGWELL ON PRUSSIAN NAVY — POLYTECHNIC
MEMORY — COSMOPOLITANISM — SULPHUR — COMING
OUT — STRONG— APPROPRIATE MUSIC — INVENTION OF
TERMS— MARVELS.

^MM

^ijSigSr^ XTER under a colonnade in front of a small
B'VnK garden. This is the Elisa Garden. There is
something peculiarly Heathen-Templish about
the pillars, about the steps down to the mysterious
spring which comes out of a lion's mouth in marble hot and
hot, about the maiden of the waters, and also about the water-
seekers with their glass mugs of various colours and dice-box
shaped tumblers, that the idea crosses my mind (I have no one
to tell it to, so it only crosses my mind, and then, I suppose,
recrosses it) that we are engaged in some Pagan rite, and that
the Undine — \^Happy Thought that, '• Undine." Who was
Undine ? Let me see : German legend. Undine and the
Water-Spout ; or the hon. Xo. Think of this as I descend
the steps slowly] — the Undine of the fountain is the High
Priestess.

212 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Elisa's fountain, and this is Miss
Elisa.

We are in a curious atmosphere under these Pagan
columns. This is the smell of the mineral springs. It might
(the smell, I mean) be produced, I imagine, artificially by
stirring up a slightly stale Q%g with a lucifer match until it
boiled. In ten minutes' time one ceases to notice it ; though,
at first, I think of wTiting indignantly to the Board of Works
at Aachen, and complaining of defective drainage. I left my
Cottage near a Wood on account of drainage, so it's natural
to be annoyed at being followed by a smell. The cure, on
this supposition, is homoeopathic. Here I am to take my first
draught. I feel a little nervous.

Happy Thought. — Stand aloof to see what the other people
do. Look about.

Having descended the steps. I find myself, with two or
three dozen others, invalids of all nations — [Happy
Thought. — Good subject this for a Cartoon in the House of
Lords, '' Invalids of all Nations "], — as at the hotel, in a sort
of large area, with railings at the top, over which lounging
spectators look down upon us and make remarks, just as the
people do to the bears in their pit at the Zoological Gardens
when they give them buns, only they don't give us buns.
Shouldn't mind a bun, by the way, only Dr. Caspar says,
nothing before, or with, the waters ; nothing, in fact, until
breakfast, and then, if possible, less.

German, English, and French is being spoken freely ;
English. I think, predominating. There are three languages

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 213

that puzzle me ; I subsequently find they are Russian,
Dutch, and Greek. The Dutch I always thought was a
rolHng sort of tongue, so to speak ; but, on reflection, I fancy
this idea was mainly founded upon the remembrance of
having heard " Oh, that a Dutchman's draught should be,"
by a bass singer, late at night, years ago. {Mem. for Typical
Developments. Early Impressions. Technical Education.
Children. Dutchmoi.)

Miss Elisa stands behind a semicircular counter, and is
rapid, sure, and business-like in all her movements. 1 put
forward my hand to her with my tumbler in it. She looks at
me for a second or so. Not to see what I want, but because
(I found this out afterwards on being accustomed to the
scene) I am new to her. She is ver\' pretty ; I should like to
say in good German to her, " Gretchen, my pretty one, wilt
Thou give me some of the tepid and limpid Stream that
rushes from the Lion's Mouth ? " I am sure I understand
thoroughly the German spirit, if I only knew the language.

Happy ThoKght.Sdiy " IVasser'' as sweetly as possible,
because I don't yet know what German for " if you please " is,
and IVasser 3\onQ, that is, Wasser nedit— [Happy Thought.—
IVasser neat. Good. Full of Happy Thoughts this morning :
effect of air and early rising]— sounds rude and abrupt ; and,
worse than all, sounds so insular.

Happy Thought.— TdXVmg of insular, when I get in with
some Germans, students and professors, for instance, I must
ask 'em how thev like being without a Navy. Curious, a

214 MORE KAPPY THOUGHTS.

nation ^vithout any admirals, or jolly tars; but then, after all,
they've got their mineral waters.

Dyngwell says, " You're thinking of the Swiss Cockalorums.
They've got no na\y. The Gay Prooshians have no end of
ships." I ask " Where ? "' He puts his glass in his eye, and
replies, carelessly, " Oh, all over the shop. Adoo ! " and
saunters off.

Elisa catches the water in my tumbler, jerks it out, catches
some more, and hands it to me, smiling. Wish I knew what
" thank you '"" is.

Happy Thought. — Say ^^ Dankyp It sounds like good
German, and I shouldn't be much surprised to hear that it is.
On second thoughts, yes, I should be surprised. How difficult
it must be to invetif a language. This leads to deep thought,
and will occupy me while I stand and sip the Mineral
Wassc)'. I begin sipping thoughtfully, as if I was tasting
to see if I'd have a case sent in in the course of the morn-
ing. It's v.-arm : it's not exactly nasty ; it's not precisely
nice.

Happy Thought. — Epicures say that, to make a perfect
salad, you ought first to soupcomier the bowl with a shalot.
Mineral JVasse?- to the taste is as if you'd cleaned out the
tumbler with lucifer matches of the old blue-tip school. It's
what I should expect that water at the Polytechnic to be like
after it has been flavoured by an experimental blowing up of
the Royal George under water by the Diving Professor, or
somxe other scientific gentleman connected with the establish-

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 215

ment. (I don't know whether this goes on now ; it used to.
But that's the idea.)

Happy Thought. — Got half through tumbler. Nothing
happened to me as yet. Nothing's happened to any one that
I can see. All chattering in little knots and groups and
coteries. Regardless of their doom, the little victims drink.

Happy Thought. — Finished tumbler, all but a quarter of
an inch depth of water at the bottom. Dont know what to
do with it. Wonder why I've an objection to the last drop ?
Instinct, somehow.

Happy Thought. — Go and hear the band.

I see everyone leaving a quarter of an inch, or so, of water
in their tumblers, and then turning it out into two little
receptacles, like the lower part of umbrella stands, placed at
the corner of the stairs. Do this also. Just as if I'd been
doing it all my life.

Happy Thought. — That's where I feel myself beyond
Dyngwell or Cazell or Chilvern and Milburd, and so forth. I
am, I feel, cosmopolitan. In a second, by just turning this
tumbler topsy-turvy, I feel myself, as it were, free of the place.
A walk in the garden, hear the band, another tumbler (this
sounds like dissipation and the bottle, but it isn't — it's only
high, airy, breezy spirits before breakfast, and sulphur mixed),
and I shall be naturalised.

Somehow I feel, having finished my glass, that I am de trop

2i6 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

here ; for ever)-one is talking to everyone else —quite a
family party. All know one another, and are perpetually
nodding and bowing, and smiling and smirking, and
inquiring after healths, and 'Svhat you did last night after
we left,'" and "'' whether you're going to So-and-so to-day,"
and so forth. I feel that I am isolated. Wish Fridoline
was here. Should like to have her here — to talk to. {Mem.
Isn't this selfish.' Is the real use of a wife only to be
talked to when you don't know anybody else ? A'ofe /or
psychological itiqjiiry. Plenty of time for psychological
inquiries, if I don't know anyone here except Dyng\vell.) I feel,
besides this sense of isolation, a desire to speak to somebody
— to throw myself into their arms, and unbosom my pent-up
emotions. I haven't an idea, on reflection, what my pent-up
emotions are like, or what I should say if anyone — for
instance, that little Frenchman (who's taken three tumblers
to my one in the same time) — stepped fon\'ard and said,
'■'■Me void.' unbosom yourself!" I don't think I should knoAv
what to do. I should set him down, speaking rationally,
as mad. Stop I I pull up. This burning desire for con-
versation, this hysterical yearning, of course, I see, it is
the effect of the sulphiir. Sulphur. I must tone myself
down again.

Happy Thought. — Bow to Miss Elisa 'who seems to notice
it as an impertinence ; sulphur again — I suppose there was a
lurking something in my eye), and ascend steps. Stroll into
the garden. People walking up and down rather fast, I
walk up and down, round and round. There's only one path.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 217

and you do it in different ways. There are two others, I
discover afterwards, but they are short and retired. It is
very exhilarating : it isn't Cremorne ; it isn't A'auxhall ; it
isn't Mabille; it isn't Hyde Park; it isn't the seaside; it
evidently isn't Tivoli (where I've never been); but it's — ■
Happy Thought — it's exactly what the indosiire in Leicester
Square 7night be jnade i?ito, without the present ruined
statue, and with mineral waters coming out of the pump.

Me7n. — Recommend this to the Board of Works. My
statue, equestrian, as a benefactor.

• I feel inclined to suggest supper somewhere, and regret
stopping up so late. I also have a sort of notion that later
in the day the thousand additional lamps will be hung up.
(Sulphur again.) There is a pond with two sorts of fish, red,
and not red. Sulphur water, I suppose, and sulphur has
taken the colour out of some of the weaker ones, or those
that have been in the longest. Good band. Pretty faces.
There is a Dutch young lady (I hear some one say she is
Dutch) to whom I should like to talk — only because she is
Dutch. Is this incipient libertinism, or only sulphur ? Or is
the former the effect, the latter the cause ?

Happy Thought. — Don Juan ended, operatically, in sulphur.
Good. " Ofphee aux Efifers'' Quadrilles just played. Ap-
propriate. Will go down during the enfracte (it is a quarter
to eight A.M.), and take another sulphur. Descend. Fewer
people there. I want another tumbler, please. More difficult
to ask when there's not a crowd, as what you say can be
heard. Approach Elisa. She is very pretty. (Sulphur.)

2i8 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Happy Thought. — Say '' Mair luasser'' Scotch is an
excellent substitute for German. After all, it isn't so much
the language itself, but the spirit of it, which is the great
thing to catch.

Xote. — That idea of the difficulty of inventing a language
is worth enlarging upon. Suppose one had to do it. What
should I have called a cup ? I don't think anything would
have suggested '•' cup "' to me, unless it was done suddenly by
a happy thought. Or e.g., hat, or handkerchief, or neck, or
head. "Head" seems really difficult. Who would have
thought, without having a name for it ready to hand, of
calling a head a '• head '" ?

A man couldn't have called his own head a head ; but
another man — a friend, for instance, — must haA'e done it.
Perhaps he did it offensively at first, and meant it as an
insult ; and then gradually it settled down into an ever)--day
name. Odd occupation, when you come to think of it, for
two people, sitting down, and having nothing else to do,
saying to each other, "Now what shall we call this f' — a
hand, for instance, — like a game of forfeits. Then, after
some deliberation, friend says,

Happy Thought.— C^W it hand.

Happy Thought. — People who call a spade a spade. I
never thought of it before, but he must have been a ver}'
clever fellow who did first call a spade a spade. He might
have called it a bonnet, and he wouldn't have been ^^Tong
then ; that is, if bonnets weren't made before spades.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 219

*4{.* I review this at night in my note-book, and set it
down to sulphur acting suddenly on the system. Dyngwell
said " the waters would bring it out of me. whatever it was.'^
Something's coming out. But what is it ? I can't help being
nervous. Shall tell Caspar to-morrow, and write down my
symptoms.

CHAPTER XXX.

THE BATHS — THALERS — DESCENT — EATH-MAX— CELLS-
SUGGESTIVE — CONVERSATION — TROUBLE — BOOK -
DIRTY AND THIRTY — SOLVITUR.

T^^S9 IRST Visit to the Baths.— \ choose the nearest

b;^' L_/'b.r^- baths, not the Kaiserbad, which is the larg-est

f i P^^^-: and grrandest, and where the baths form part of

^^^^y^ the hotel.

Am received by a courteous elderly lady and her daughter,

who look as if I was the last person they had expected to see.

Happy Thought. — Say what I've come for. A few baths.
AVill I take them all at once, which is cheaper, or not ? I
don't quite understand : possibly because I am talking
French (in English), and they are speaking the same lan-
guage (in German). Becoming intelligible to one another, I
ascertain that their question is one of tickets. I take a lot,
recklessly, paying I dont know quite how much, in thalers.
Elderly lady smiles encouragingly on me, and asks me if I
will descend the steps ? If they lead to the baths, yes. They
do. Elderly lady sounds a bell. I descend, and pass through
the glass folding-doors into a passage with whitewashed
ivalls and ceiling, and a row of small doors on either side.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS, 221

First hnpression. — Prison on the Silent System.

A small, fresh-faced man, in a chronic state of mild
perspiration, looking, in his white jacket and apron, some-
thing like a superior French cook without a cap, appears
before me, and says —

'' Good morning, sare."

HapPy Thought. — Bath-man speaks English : in case the
bath shouldn't agree with me, useful. '"Which bard?" he
asks, laconically, and allows me to look in at the doors of
several cells. No prisoners in just now. Attendant shakes
his head. " Late for bard {bath),'' he says. " Twenty, dirty,
men season." From which I readily gather, that in the
season, which is now almost past (there are three days more
of it) the baths are full.

Finding that I don't make up my mind on the subject, he
settles it for me peremptorily, and showing me into a cell,
observes, " Nice bard," and shakes his head solemnly, as
much as to say, " You couldn't get a better than this, if you
tried ever so much." The compartment I am in, is a small
undressing-room of the very plainest description : either a
cell, as struck me at first, in a prison, or in the monaster}- of
a ver}^ ascetic order.

Happy Thought. — The Bathing Monks. Never were any,
I fancy. Good idea. Might suggest it to ecclesiastical
authorities.

The bath is where the sitting-room would be if these v.cre
lodgings with apartments en suite.

222 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

At first sight there appears to be a sort of scum on the
water, which suggests my remark to the attendant. "Dirty !'"'

He smiles. " Goot," he repHes. " Dirty ; goot," and dips
a large thermometer into the bath.

This doesn't satisfy me as to its cleanliness. On the wall
is a notice, informing the visitor that he has a right to insist
upon seeing the bath prepared in his presence, by order of
the Committee,

I draw the attendant's attention to this, and then pointing
to the bath, I shake my head, and say emphatically, and with
an air of disgust, " Dirty ! "'

Happy Thought. — Wish Mr. Payne, the pantomimist, were
here. Wonder how he'd explain my meaning to the
attendant.

The man nods in reply, '• J ah so ; dirty, hot," which is not
a cheering view. I've seen " Third Class '"' written up over
the doors of Baths and Washhouses in London. It strikes
me that mine will be something of this sort unless I can ex-
plain that I do insist upon its being prepared in my presence.

Happy Thought. — My Conversation-Book is in my pocket.
Difficult to find the correct place at once, so as to exactly suit
the occasion.

Open quickly and come upon.

The Chandler .... Der Lichtzieker.
The Chimney Sweeper , . . Der Kaminfeger.

No : that won't do. Still it will be useful to know where to

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 223

find the Chandler and Chimney-Sweeper when I do want them
another time.

Happy Thought. — Mark the place.^ Look at Index for
'■'• Bath," " Dirty," and " Clean."

Is the Index at the end or beginning ?

Look at the end. No. Only '• IModels for Notes."
" Note on not finding a person at home." " Note of invita-
tion." " Note of apology."

Happy Thought, — Mark these.- Useful another time.
Index in beginning. Under what heading .'' Don't know.
Begin at the beginning, Bother : it's not alphabetical, and
it occupies four pages of small print.

The attendant is busy preparing my bath.

I run my eye and finger quickly down the first page of
" Contents."

Happy Thought. — It ought to be dis-contents. (N.B.
Work this up ; do for something of Sheridan's or Sydney
Smith's ; more like Smith.)

'"''Fractions^ Army., AmmunitiojiP Hang ammunition !
" Time, Man.^^ I pause here. aMciu.

Happy Thought. — Look out Man. Perhaps find " Bath-
man" under that heading. No; on reflection, it's " rt^zW/ "
and " clean''^ that I want. Go on again with Index : ^^ Reptiles,
Insects, Maladies, Kitchen, Cellar, Servants, Mountains,
Rivers, Agricultural ImplementsT Hang these things !

224 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Where are Adjectives, good strong Adjectives ? '■'' Affirmative
Phrases. Xegative Phrases"' This is nearer, luann, as
children say in hide-and-seek. '■'Ecclesiastical Dignities.'^
Cold again. ''Musics Absolutely chilly. '' Field Sports:'
Oh, bother ! Ha ! ^^ Imperative Phrases.'' \\2irmer. ''With
a Woollen Draper.'' Lost it once more. " A Lady at her
Toilet." Toilet may be of some use to me now. '•' The
Master before getting up.''

Happy Thought. — Look out hnperative Phrases. Lady at
Toilet, and Before getting up. Combine some words for
present use.

The attendant has finished. The bath is steaming. "• Nice
bard,"' he says. " Nice ; hot ; dirty." Here he points to 30''
Reaumur on the thermometer.

Happy Thought. — I understand him at last. He thought 1
wanted the bath at thirty, what he calls dirty.

No : Dr. Caspar particularly said 27°, and, from what I've
heard, you can't do better than follow Dr. Caspar's advice
implicitly.

Happy Thought. — Point to that number on Thermometer.
Hit myself on the chest, frown, say " No, no, Xei7i Xein, Ich
-iviinsch (I mean I want) twenty-seven. Doctor order."

" Not dirt}- .^ " he asks, in astonishment.

" Nein, Nein," I reply, we are beginning to understand one
another beautifully. '* I said rt'irty, not Thirty " — pause to let
him digest this. He is intelligent. He smiles. " Ah I '" he

MOxRE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 225

says, and pulls a huge wooden plug out of the bath, I suppose
to alter the temperature.

Happy Thought. — While he is busy look out The Master
before getting up. Here it is — "Peter what o'clock is it?'
" Will you shave ? ''' No. Ah, here, " You must give me my
cotton stockings with my boots and my kerseymere trousers "
— pretty dress I " Give me my boots, as the streets must be
dirty." /?/>/>'— here we are. [X.B. German manners and
customs deduced from Conversation-Book ; ex. gr. if the
weather hadn't been dirty, he'd have gone out without
his boots.] " Dirty '' is Schi7uczig.

Happy Thought. — '^ Das JVasser in deui Bad is
Schviusig?

He is indignant. To prove his assertion of its cleanliness
he takes a handful and drinks it. Solvitur bibendo. I am
satisfied.

The bath is ready —and so am I. A voice, resounding^
beneath the small dome, whence daylight comes in, calls out
something.

" Koniuien^' replies the attendant and leaves me to my
bath. I am to stop in half an hour, and forty minutes if 1
can do so. Now to commence.

CHAPTER XXXI.

A DIP BY DAYLIGHT — THOUGHTS— WHAT TO DO — A SINGER
— ASSISTANCE— DER HERR— EIX LIED — DER AXDERE
MANX — BOX AXD COX — A THEORY — THE IXDEX —
SULPHUR.

HAT can you do in a bath? How slowly the
time goes ! Forty minutes in 26^ Reaumur.
You can't read with comfort. You can't talk,
unless to yourself, which is, I believe, the sure
forerunner of madness. If you have some one in the next
bath, you can talk to him, if you're acquainted ; but even
then your conversation is heard by everybody else. No, it's
the sulphur silent system and water. But one can't positively
lose forty minutes of the day. What can one do in a bath ?

Happy Thought.— T\{mk.

This reminds me of the celebrated Parrot. Besides you
can think just as well out of the bath ; better. Might learn
German in my bath, flight, and also mightn't.

The Bath is a good place for ''wondering." You can
wonder what good it will do you ? ^Vonder what's the matter
with you ? Wonder who's in the next bath ? Wonder what
the time is ? Wonder, if vou had a fit, whether vou'd be able

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 227

to seize the bell in time ? Wonder if it isn't all humbug ?
Wonder if it is ? Wonder if the Bath-man flew at you with
a knife and attacked you, what chance you'd have ? Wonder
if you might sleep in the bath? Wonder what possible
pleasure the Romans found in always bathing ? &c., «S:c., &c.

The Bath-man suddenly looks in. '• Time,"' he says, as if
I were going in for another round at a prize-fight. I look at
my watch : no, I don't think so. " NeinP I add, with
courage, '' Filnf Mi7iuten inair,'' I mean fi\-e minutes more :
viai?' being, of course, Scotch.

He understands me. I am sure there is nothing like
dashing boldly into a language.

The gentleman either in the bath next me, or a few doors
off, doesn't find any difficulty in amusing himself in the bath.
I never heard such a row as he makes. He sings snatches
of songs, chiefly Operatic, and 7iever correct, in a stentorian
voice. Wish I could silence him. I noiu have something to
do in my bath ; to silence this dreadful noise.

The question is, hasn't a man a right to do what he likes
in his own bath ? Yes. If / may think, he may sing ; but,

on the other hand [I always like to put the other side of

the question fairly to myself : by the way, I generally see the
other side better than my own] he may not sing to the
obvious prevention of my thinking. ]My thinking doesn't
interfere with anybody ; his singing does. Stop, though ; if
/ interfere now, the result of my thinking is evidently that I
do interfere with his singing. This assumes quite a casuis-
tical appearance. He is beginning an air from Norma that
I know by heart. When I say singing, I mean roaring

Q 2

228 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

He gets to the seventh bar. and then pauses, evidently in
doubt.

Happy Thoiight. — To finish it for him.

I do so, with diffidence, and not so loudly as he has been
giving it. Pause. This will evidently lead to a struggle,
unless he has caved in at the first shot from my battery — I
should say, bath-en.-, I am allowed to think in peace for
about a minute. Then he breaks out again. I believe he
has been collecting a reperioii'e during the silence. '*' Void
le sabre, le sabre^ le sabre I^'' &c. He gets into difficulties at
the high part — about the fourteenth bar, I should say.

Happy Thought. — His weakness is my opportunity. I
come in at the finish, whistling this time. Without waiting,
he begins, '■' Ah^ que faime les Militaires .'^''

Happy Thought. — Puzzle him. Sing the quick movement
in Italiano in Algeria,^ slightly adapted by myself, on the
spur of the moment, to the occasion.

He now sings Largo al factotu77i hoarsely, but not merrily ;
for I detect a certain ferocity in his voice. I must be careful;
because, if he is a Prussian officer, he will call me out when
he meets me outside.

Happy Thought. — Can say what the Clown does when he's
caught by a shopkeeper, " Please, Sir, t wasn't me."
Bath-man appears with towels.
" Fiinf Minuteur says he. I should rather say it was ;

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 229

twenty-hve minutes, more likely. "Towel: nice varm," he
continues, and having dried me carefully in one, he wraps me
in another, and leaves me.

Classic dress this. Think of Socrates. The Singing Man
has holloaed for the bath-attendant, and is evidently pre-
paring to leave.

Happy Thought. — Ring for Bath-man, and (after consult-
ing Conversation-Book and combining my question) ask him
who the singing bather is. Can't find " singing " in Con-
versation-Book. I find "a song : " i.e.^ ein Lied. Der Herr

is " the gentleman."

Happy Thought. — Recollect having seen in playbills the
part of So-and-So, Mr. Blank {with a song). That's the idea.
The Bath-mian enters. " You ring ? "

" Yah. Wer ist der Herr mit ein Lied ?^'

Triumph ! only I wish he wouldn't answer me in German.
Hov.ever, I make out that he doesn't know. He merely
speaks of him as ^'' Der aiidere Mannj'- that is, with a con-
cession to my language, "the other man." There are two
men, then, in the bath ; one is myself, and the other is Der
andere Maiin.

Fifth Bath Day. — Der andere Man?i is in the bath every
day. I hear him. I never see him. He comes in either
just before me, or just after me, and leaves in the same
relative proportion of time.

Happy Thought. — The Bathing Box and Cox. Similar in

230 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

situation, except that we never meet anpvhere. I discover
that this is one consequence of the Season being terminated.
Der andere Manii and myself are the only two remaining to
bathe in the Xew Baths. Other bathers go to the Kaiserbad,
or to other springs ; for there are sulphur springs everywhere
in, out of, and round and about Aix.

Sunday. — Msit the Cathedral in the morning. It is
crammed full, as, by the v\-ay, are all the Churches, appa-
rently at any hour, in Aachen. I am here struck by a most

Tremejidous Happy Thought. — A new idea for Popgood
and GrooUy. It is a Theojy of Origination. It comes to
me all at once. It will astonish Colenso, upset Descartes,
scatter Darwinian theories, and perhaps create an entire

revolution in philosophy and science.

Happy Thought. — Perhaps become a Heresiarch. Xew
sect : Happy Thinkei's., not Free-Thinkers. Be condemned
by the Pope, be collated (or something, whatever it is) by the
Archbishop of Canterbur>', denounced by the Chief Imaum,
held up to execration by Dr. Adler and the principal Rabbis,
pronounced contumacious by the Alexandrine Patriarch, and
be anathematised as dangerous by the Grand Lama of
Thibet ; and, finally, the Book placed on the Index by the
Roman Congregation.

Happy Thou gilt. — Splendid advertisement : in large t>-pe.
New Book, just published, on the Index. Might get Typical
Developmoits on the Index ; and then, if both could be

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 231

excluded from INIudie's Circulating Liibrar}', its fortune and
mine, and Popgood and Groolly's, would be made.

Happy Thought. — Write to them, or telegraph at once.
Shall give up my baths, and run over to England. Tell
Doctor Caspar so. He says, '" No ; on no account. We
must get it out of you.'' I tell him I feel that it is coming
out of me : apparently in the shape of a new heresy, but I
don't add this.

Capital fellow Caspar. Speaks English so well. Dyng-
well observes, " I wish I had as many sovereigns as Caspar
speaks English," which is vague, but expresses D}'ngweirs
intense admiration of the Doctor's culture.

CHAPTER XXXII.

CATHEDRAL — AACHEN — HIGH MASS — THE HERETICAL
THEORY — TELEGRAM — DYXGV»-ELL''S PRESCRIPTION —
KAGELSPIEL — LETTER— THE VAPOUR— DER ANDERE
MANN.

^^^^p A'ISIT the cathedral again, and I am confirmed in
my first impression. I\Iy theor\- (the heretical theory
mentioned before) is, that Man is made in moulds;
not ^ mould, but in moulds.
Now I arrive at this, thus : —

On going into the Cathedral, High Mass is just commencing.
I struggle into a good place. We are all standing, and seats
are an impossibility. Duchesses and draymen elbowing one
another, but this by the way ; only I do approve of this
religious equality, and think it vrorth noticing.

Before mass, all the canons, choristers, deans, and pre-
centors walk into the body of the church, and commence
versicles and responses. What they are I do not know, nor
can I attend to the service, for. to my utter amazement, I
find that, from the chief dean or head canon, or whatever he
is, to the smallest man chorister (not boy), all are thoroughly
luell kno'W7i to me. Yes, I recognise every one of their faces.
They are as familiar to me as possible. Yet I have never

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 233

been to Aachen before. Never. I have never been inside
this Cathedral prior to this occasion. No. But I knou-
every one of the ecclesiastics here by sight.

I find myself staring at one in particular. He is short and
sharp-looking, with a large mouth. He catches my eye : he
cant help it ; nor can I help keeping mine fixed on him.
We are mesmerising each other. I feel that he is chanting
his verses mechanically, and, as it were, addressing them
chiefly to me. I wonder whether he is too much mesmerised
to move with the procession when it gets in motion again.
But luho is he ? Who are they ? I have known only one
foreign priest in my life, and he Avas a Frenchman, and not
a bit hke any of these. It breaks upon me, on my second
visit, all at once. They are well-lcnown theatrical faces, some
familiar to me from childhood, and indelibly engraved on my
m.emon,', and others known to me in later years.

This small mesmerised priest (a minor canon he is), in a
short surplice and a tippet, is Mr. Dominick Murray— neither
more nor less. The Chief Dean is Mr. Paul Bedford,"^ in a
cope, assisted by Mr. Buckstone of the Haymarket, and
Mr. Rogers of the same company, who hold two candles for
him to read small print by. Mr. Barr>' Sullivan, in a collar
with lace, is scowling at his breviary ; and Mr. Honey, with
his hair cut, is chanting, hard at it, at the bottom of his voice.
The others are all well known to me, only I can't remember
their names, except, by the way, Mr. Horace Wigan, who

* I regret to say, the late Mr. Paul Bedford. There were few-
faces more familiar to the Theatre-going public, than was this genial
Comedian's.

234 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Stands out from the rest, because he has lost his place in a
large book he is carr}-ing, and has got into difficulties with
his spectacles.

Hence my theor}- of Moulds. I iind ^Ir. Dominick
Murray (let us say, for example, as he was my chief attrac-
tion : he did sing so energetically, and knew his part without
a book I) in Germany as a Minor Canon, in England as an
excellent comedian. The same with Mr. Buckstone, Wigan,
Sec. Well, why not in India find the same type of man
amongj the Brahmins ? — that is anothc}- lot out of the same
viould.

. *^* Dr. Caspar has just called in late at night, and finding
me at my notes (above) on my new theor)-, has ordered me
not to v.Tite any more for a day or two, and to go to bed at
once. Caspar is an excellent fellow, and really takes a per-
sonal friendly interest in a patient. He is much struck with
my theory of "'moulds,'"^ and says he will call in and talk it
over in the morning. In the meantime (that is, between this
and breakfast) I am to go in for a hotter bath up to 28^
Reaumur, be ver>- careful in diet, rely upon Friedrichshaller-
bitterivasscr, and not write a line about this new theor}' till
he gives me permission. Should like to telegraph to my wife
and tell her. Have sent to Popwood and Groolly a telegram
to this effect : —

^^ New theory. Moulds. Upset every thiiig. Great Idea.
Write again. Will you ptiblish .?"

Dr. Caspar insists on seeing me into bed. He says ''the
sulphur is doing its work well."^ Something is coming out of
me. What ?

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 235

Uyngwell looks in. "Well, old Cockalorum, got the
papsylalls, after all, eh ? Doctor given you something golop-
shus. Rub it in." This is his general idea of a prescription.
" Good night."

Dr. Caspar prescribes douche and vapour baths. Itll be all
out of me, whatever it is, in another week or so. I ask him
if I may employ my leisure in writing Typical Developments
and the Theory of Origination^ for Popgood and Groolly.

He says " Xo, decidedly not." That instead I must
devote myself to kagelspiel — Kagelspiel is skittles. I re-
member that Dr. Whately used to relax his mind by sv\-ing-
ing on the chains of the post in front of the archiepiscopal
palace. Caspar is right. He is, I find, invariably right ;
being a thoroughly scientific doctor, without a grain of hum-
bug. Baths in the morning, dinner mid-day, kagelspiel in
the afternoon ; tea in the evening, and attendance at a con-
cert or any musical meeting.

Plenty of music in Aix. I have now been here long
enough to observe that my first impressions were remarkably
superficial.

I note down that for recovery of health, and generally for
getting anything out of you, there is no better place, I should
imagine, than Aachen.

Happy Thought. — To write to Milburd and forestall him
in the joke which I know he will make when I return about
leaving my Aches (Aix) behind me.

Second Happy Thonght on Same Subject. — Set the idea to

236 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

music, " The Girl I left Behind Me; i.e. " The Aches I left
Behind Me'^ Sav to Milburd in mv letter, —

If you sec any one who asks for me,
And doesn't know where to find me;

You may say that I've gone across the sea,
And left mv Aix behind me."

Copy this into three letters to other people, including one
to Friddy. The other people don't know Milburd, so it will
be all right.

The Vapour Bath. — Shown into a bed-room at the Neubad,
whitewashed walls and window near the ceiling. Idea.
Prisoners dormitory, still on the Silent System. Bath-rnan
presently returns looking warmer than usual, and says some-
thing that sounds like Der Damp Shift is fertish, which
I am right in taking to mean that the Vapour Bath is ready.
I follow him, in what I may term, delicately, my popular
character of Unfallen Adam, across a paved passage, cell-
doors on either side (from which I imagine people suddenly
looking out and saying " Hallo ! " as Milburd would, if he
were here) to a small jam-closet without any shelves, but
with a skylight above.

In this closet is the case of. as it were, a small quaint old-
fashioned piano, only v.ithout the works and key-board.
This is the Vapour Bath. The Bath-man opens it : I see at
once that I am to step in. I step in. I see that I am to sit
dov/n over where the steam is coming up. I do, nerv^ously.
The Bath-man then boxes me in by closing the frcJnt, and
putting up a sort of slanting shutter, which only leaves my

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

237

head cut of a hole at the top, hke some sort of Chinese
punishment of which I remember a picture. I fancy the
Bath -man rather enjoys this, as his only chance of a practical
joke. Hope he won't think it fun, or do something stupid.
He hangs my watch on a nail opposite me and says, '• fifteen
minuten in der bad.*'

Happy Thought. — '' Nein. FilufP

He won't hear of such a thing. I don't like being left
alone. He smiles and nods, "Nice varm?"' he asks, and
shuts the door on me. It is var?n, but it is ?iot nice. How
horribly slow the time passes. Yes, it is like a Chinese punish-
ment. I tn' to distract my mind. Let me see what can
I think about ? Odd, I can't think of anything except the
time and the bath. Yes, one thing, '' Can any one see
through this skylight?" Xo — gi'ound glass. Suddenly I
become avN-are of myriads of little insects on the wall by
my watch. Ants. They are nowhere else. — They arc
very busy. Suppose they were to forsake the wall, and
Tun all over my face and hair ? I can't do anything.
What is Ant in German ? I will complain when Bath-man
re-appears.

He does re-appear on the instant — that is his head re-
appears smilingly, and asks ''Nice varm?" I reply " ^^z//."
He adds, " Time, no?" and retires.

I have forgotten the Ants. \Vho was it, Bruce or \Yallace
who became King of Scotland by watching a spider?
Galileo mad-; a scientific discovery about the pendulum
while watching a church-lamp during a stupid sermon.

238 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

These Ants might lead me to turn my attention to natural
histor}^, if I stay here long enough.

Odd: the Vapour Bath doesn't seem to be taking anything
out of me. I thought it would be something fearful, and
that I should yell, half suffocated and parboiled, for help.

Bath-man's head again. '■ Nice varm ? Time, no?'^ and
disappears.

At the expiration of a quarter of an hour, he enters with a
warm linen mantle. He unpacks the box (I could have
travelled from here to London in this case, labelled " with
care,"' and " this side uppermost ") and I come out, like a
character in a pantomime, when a watch-box or something
is struck by harlequin's wand and out steps a boy dressed
like Napoleon (only I'm dressed like Nobody and in nothing),
and am immediately clothed in the wann garment.

Then I follow^ Bath-man back to bed-room.

Here I am tumbled into a hot bed at once. Bath-man
savagely tucks me up. "Nice varm?'"' he asks again,
" Heiss,'^ I reply. '•' So ist goot,'^ he answers. He sur\-eys
me in bed. I am helpless. '■^ De?- a?idere Manii^^'' he informs
me, " take dampf bad to-day."

He says this in an encouraging tone, as much as to
impress upon me that in all matters connected with the
baths I can't do better than follow the example of Dcr andeye
Mann.

CHAPTER XXXIII.

DER ANDERE MANX — COMPARISOXS — DISGUST — END OF
VAPOUR — THE FAILURE — THE DOUCHE — HAMLET'S
GHOST — PROCEDURE — DOUCHING — CONVERSATION —
BON MOT — NIAGARA.

^ FEEL that I ought to be dreadfully, unbearably
hot, but I'm not. There seems, as I lie on my back,
bound down by sheets under a huge feather bed or
two, to be a sort of infernal jingle of a rhyme in my

head.

I ought to be hot,
But I'm not, I'm not.
I will if I can,
Like Der andere Mann.

Who ?> this Andere Mann? I've never seen him. Perhaps
he is in the next cell to me. Wish I could sleep. Should
like to, but mustn't ; at least Caspar says it's bad to do so.
Must stay in for forty minutes. Impossible to read, even if
one had a book. Why don't they invent some plan of fixing
up a book before you 'i Wish Friddy were here : she'd read
to me. Devoted wife, reading to vapour-bathed husband.
I am not very warm. Wonder if it's doing me good.'* or
harm?

240 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Bath-man looks in. He takes a towel, and wipes my
forehead : apparently without any satisfactor}- result, as he
is more disgusted with me than ever.

" .A >/>/," he says, '"' iiix vannP Then in a tone of expos-
tulation, " Dcr andere Mann vwch va?-nt : sveat dcr andcrc
Mannr

I am getting angry : I feel it. I am annoyed. What do
I care about Der andere Mann's state of heat ? I wish I
knew the German for " comparisons are odious,'' I'd say it.
All I do is to restrain my impatience, and merely say, ''Oh,
ver}- odd. Twenty minutes," by Avhich I mean that in that
time I will leave this bed, whatever happens, " much varm "
or not. Begin to think I've had enough of it.

Ten Minutes after the above. — Inten'al of thinking
of nothing, except trying to recollect poetry, and failing.
Bath -man enters. He is puzzled by my comparative
frigidity.

" Der andere Majin,'^ he begins again, '* mueh va7'7n : sveat,
der andere Manji^ much sveatP This in a loud tone, and as
if at a loss to find terms to m.ake me comprehend the admir-
able conduct of this infernal Andere Mann; "but," he goes
on, more in sorrov,- than in anger at my utter failure, ^^you,
nix varm, nix sveat ; nutting,'' and he consequently comes
with towels rather before his time, having decided upon
giving me up as a bad job. He shakes his head dejectedly,
as he goes through the mere formality of wrapping me up,
and rubbing me down, to preserve me from sudden chill, and
soon leaves me as unworthy of further attention, probably to
report my extraordinary conduct to the Andere ^Nlann, and

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 241

to praise him in fulsome language for his exemplary bearing
in and out of the vapour bath.

" Try again another day," I say to Bath-man as I leave.
But he has no reply for me : he is dejected. There are only
two men, who, now the season is over, come to these baths.
One is myself, and the other is Der andere Mann, and the
first is, in the Bath-man's opinion, beneath contempt as a
" Dampf-shifter."

English party here, small by degrees, and beautifully less ;
which quotation also applies to the gouts, and rheumatisms,
and other ills the flesh is heir to, under Dr. Caspar's treat-
ment and application of sulphur waters.

System in my case undergoes a change. Besides the
vapour bath, where after several ineffectual attempts I never
can come up to the temperature of Der andere Mann, I am
now douched.

The Douche. — The Doucheman, I mean the man who gives
you the douche, appears dressed in a sort of nightgown and
nightcap. I get out of his way at first, under the impression
that he is an elderly lady, who has mistaken her compartment
in the bath. He beckons me, I hesitate under the above-
mentioned impression, naturally. He smiles, and beckons
me again.

Happy Thought. — Not unlike Hamlefs Fathoms Ghost.
" His custom always of an afternoon."

Another Happy Thought in the same line. — " Lead on,
I follow." He does lead on, and I do follow. To a cell with

242 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

bath, similar to the others, only with a large water-pipe in it,
coming down the back wall, above where your head vrould
be if you sat under it.

We are both silent. He shuts the door. There is some-
thing unpleasantly mysterious in these movements. Feel
that I must be on the defensive. (Nervous system a little
out of order, or else why be afraid of a Doucheman, who, I
know, will not do me any harm ? Shall refer this to Caspar,
who will feel my pulse, which of itself is an operation that
disturbs me considerably until the Doctor speaks, v\-hen I
invariably feel relieved, whatever he says.) Doucheman
suddenly takes off his bathing-gown and appears something
like an acrobat who is going to support another acrobat on
a pole. I am the other acrobat. Wish I knew the Gennan
for '"acrobat." He speaks French, so I trj"- "Acrobar."' I
say, " We are two Ac robars,'' pleasantly. He nods (he is nov.-
standing in the bath, doing something with the mouth of the
pipe), smiles, and turns the water on to himself, just to see
how he likes it before he tries it on jhc.

He is satisfied with the watenvorks, and again imitates
the Ghost in '• Hanilttr I descend the steps. '" Speak I 111
go no farther."

He speaks ; '■'plus bas-' he says, whereupon, after thinking
for a few seconds what he means, I take up my position
one step lower. I can imagine a very nervous man being
thoroughly frightened by the next proceeding, which is to
take you, quite unawares, by the leg. Somehow it's the last
thing any one would think of. It seems to me that the
Doucheman has no settled plan, but that after considering

^lORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 243

the patients for a few minutes, he is suddenly seized
by a —

Happy Thought. — " Take him by the left leg " {j.'tdc poem
about the infidel Longlegs) and pummel his foot.

The noise of the water rushing through the pipe on to my
leg prevents conversation (it is Niagara in miniature), other-
wise I should like to talk to him about the art of douching,
and what is ]iis idea of the particular benefit to the subject.
In a moment's pause, that is, before he gets hold of my other
leg, I collect myself for a question in French, " Why do you
do this?"' It sounds piteous, I fancy, as if I had added, " I
never did anything unkind to you ! "

He answers that it is '■''pour faire rouler le sang,'' and
begins kneading my instep.

Happy Thought. —A kneaded friend is a friend indeed, or,
a friend who kneads is a friend indeed.

Think it out, and put it down to Sydney Smith.
Douche on my hands, arms, chest, ever)-where.

Happy Thought. — All round my hat. Happier thought,
on expanding my chest to the full force of the water, '' All
round my heart." Niagara on my back. Squirt, rush, whizz,
sky-rockets of water at me. I am catching it heavily over
the shoulders.

Happy Thought. — Should like to turn round suddenly,
and see if the Doucheman is laughing. I daresay it's very

R 2

244 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

good fun for him. Sort of perpetual practical joke. Capital
employment for IVIilburd if he ever wants a situation.
In twenty minutes it is all over.

Happy Thought. — Write a description of it all in some
cheap form. Call it '• Twenty minutes with a Douchcman."
Telegraph the idea to Popgood and Groolly. They haven^t
replied to my other telegram.

Fresh sulphur water is turned on up to 30" Reaumur, and
I sit calmly meditating on the stirring events of the last half
hour in the tranquillity of the ordinary bath, the Doucheman
having resumed his nightgown and wished me boii JGur.

Happy Thought.— " Oh that a Doucheman's draught should
be,'"' &c. Sing it myself. Stop on remembering that if Der
andere Mann is in the building, this will encourage him to
begin his operatic selections.

Back 1)1 my Room at Hotel. — Never felt so well. Premoni-
tory- sym.ptoms of gout have come out and gone. Caspar
right. Telegraph to Popgood and Groolly. Say, " Premoni-
tory-symptoms gone. How about theory — origination? Will
you ? Wire back."

CHAPTER XXXIV.

TABLE D'HoTE— OUR PARTY — COXVERSATIOX — CLASSICS —
NAVAL TOPICS— CUTTING IN — FOURTH WEEK — LETTER
FROM HOME — OUR PROFESSOR — COCKALORUMS —
DYNGWELL — A CLUB — GERMAN EXERCISES— GERMAN
LETTER — RESTORATION.

UR table-cThoie party is very select. At the
head of the table sits distinguished guest ; sort
of oldest inhabitant. He knov.s Madame the
proprietress of the Hotel, a lively and agreeable
French lady of commanding figure, and with, I should say,
an eye to business. Xear her are her son (who is, of course,
a soldier, and sits at his desk in his bureau, attending to the
Hotel accounts, dressed in full uniform; and daughter, and
there is no pleasanter party at the table than this most
united family.

Happy Thought. — Sit with them, and practise my French.
Mention this to Dyngwell, who replies, " Nobody axed you,
sir, she said,"' which is true.

Oiw end of the table is the inquisitive and critical depart-
ment. We are ab.vays asking "Who that is.^" meaning
some new arrival, and, generally have, amongst us, an Eye
for Eeautv.

246 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Beauty, however, seldom having an Eye for us in return.

Dr. Caspar takes the chair at our end, and vre are very
sociable and cheery.

There are tvro gentlemen in a state of progressive convales-
cence who compare notes as to health across the table. A
nervous person who eats preserved peas with a knife, and
has a jerky way like an automaton-diner, with his fork and
a bit of bread when eating fish. There are two naval gentle-
men, one a Commander and the other a Lieutenant. The
Commander has been all over the world, and has a great
story about a Mongoose. No one has heard the end of it,
as he generally forgets a date or somebody's name essential
to the denouement of the Mongoose. Always thought, till
nov.-, that a ?^Iongoose was humbug, like the Phcenix. The
Lieutenant contradicts the Commander on most naval
matters, but has never seen a Mongoose. There is a chann-
ing old gentleman who has translated ^schylus and Euri-
pides into English verse ; he has been complimented by the
greatest scholars of the day, and his publishers have just
sent him in his bill for printing, and a letter to know what
the deuce they shall do with the first thousand. We talk
together about Greek poets.

Happy Thought. — Take up Greek again. Read Homer,
Old gentleman quotes passages. Of course I remember, he
says to me, the passage in the Iliad, commencing
^^ Dinamenos potty " &c. Of course I don't.

Happy Thought. ■ To encourage him, say as if cogitating,

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 247

" Yes/' dubiously, " I fancy I recollect the gist of the
passage.-' "Ah I "' he replies, " and what would }'ou make of
the epithet there : an epithet used only once, as I beheve. in
that sense by Homer, or any later Greek poet ? " I can make
nothing of it, and leave it to him. What does /le makes of it ?
" T/iaf," he returns, ''has ahvays been /lis difficulty.'"' Don't
like to ask what epithet he means.

Happy Though f. — To quote carelessly ^^ Poluphoisboio
Thalasses,^^ and say with enthusiasm, "Ah, there's 3.11 epithet !
How grand and full is the Greek language ! " Luckily at this
moment the Commander asks me if I've heard what he was
telhng the Doctor about the Mongoose, and the waiter hands
the sauer-kraut (excellent dish ! !) to the translator of
-•Eschylus.

When we sit late and have Champagne, as is the case on
Sundays or on the departure of a friend or a birthday, we all
get into philosophical discussion, all except the Commander
and the Lieutenant, who nearly come to high words
(invariably) on points of seamanship, as to whether it is
better or not, in a storm, to rig the boom taffrail, or pay out
the gafl. The Commander appeals to our common sense, in
behalf of the boom taffrail, and the Lieutenant observes
scornfully, that " Any one who knows how to sail a vessel
would immediately pay out the gaff."

Happy Thought. — To say conciliatingly, " Well, I suppose
it doesn't much matter."'

They retort, " Oh, doesn't it I " and explain. More

248 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Champagne. The Commander afterwards takes me aside
and depreciates the Lieutenant's theories in confidence. The
Lieutenant takes Dyng^vell apail, and says he should be ver}-
sorr}' to be saiHng under his (the Commanders) orders.
Dyngwell observes, " That both the nautical Cockalorums
have been going on the scoop, and are slightly moppy." By
which v.e understand him to mean, that the two naval officers
have had as much as is bad for them.

Happy TJi ought. — A naval officer half-seas over. (Think
this out, and put it down to Sydney Smith.)

First Day of Fourth Week at Aix. — I am quite well.
Three more douches, two vapours, and four ordinar}- baths
will settle the question.

Happy ThougJit. — Present Dr. Caspar with a testimonial ;
say the first volume of Typical DevelopmeJits. when it appears,
with plates. " Anatom\ " (under A) will interest him.

Letter from Friddy. I must come back, she says

Happy Thought. — Nice to be v.-ritten to affectionately.

I turn over the page : she continues, ''—or send a cheque.^''
It appears I have stayed away longer than she expected.
The baby is less rashy than he was. Regret that I must go
home before I've got on with my German.

A German Lesson. — My Professor of languages is the most
amiable, patient, and persevering gentleman. He is much
tried by Captain Dyngwell, to whom he has been for some
time giving lessons. Dvngwell invariablv salutes him — he is

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 249

Doctor-of-Law or some degree or other, and a man with
whom anyone of a philosophic turn would at once commence
discussing German metaphysics or deep and interesting
psychological questions ; but Dyngwell invariably salutes
him with a slap on the back, a hearty slap on the back, or
with a pretended lunge of his walking-stick into the pro-
fessor's fifth rib, making him \vince but smile, and ad-
dressing him as '• Hullo ! old Cockalorum I SprccJien-Sie
Detitsch ? "

At first I ascertain the Professor went home and looked
out " Cockalorum " in the dictionary — he is a great man for
roots and derivations, and knows Beaumont and Fletcher,
Massinger, Shakspeare, and most old standard authors by
heart. Not finding Cockalorum in any known glossary, he
gets near it as a probable genitive plural of Cock-a-leekie,
and humbly sets this down to his ignorance of Scotch dialects.
Later on, he determines, after a night's deep thought, that it
is a compounded form of Custos Rotulonun^ and announces
this as an interesting philological discovery to Dyngwell, who
receives the information with his glass in his eye and the
remark, that it's '' Whatever you please, my little dear, only
blow your nose and don't breathe upon the glasses." To
which he gives an air of authority, very confusing to the
Professor, by adding, " hem ! Shakspeare," which causes the
good Herr another sleepless night in his library.

Happy Thought. — Explain Dyngwell to him.
We have an interesting discussion on ancient and modern
slang. To assist me in reading German, the Professor

250 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

kindly takes me to his Ckib ; an excellent social club with
a reading-room full of newspapers, German, French, and
English.

I take up the something Zeifinig, and am helpless. End
by reading the Times.

Commence German Lesson, Read and translate out of
German into English, and back again. The principal
characters in the exercise are the shoemaker and the tailor,
and, of course, my father and my mother. Dyngwell is
satisfied with this sort of thing, and copies out reams of
examples.

Happy Thought. — Make my own examples and gradually
compile a new exercise-book. ]\Iy Professor is pleased with
the idea as original. I make selections on paper, modelling
them on Aim's La Langue Alleniande.

ExaiJiples fo7' the Use of Students (might include these in
Typ. Devel.) — The shoemaker is sad. The father of the
shoemaker is fat. The wife of the gardener has given an
umbrella to the shoemaker. The mother of the carpenter
was often in my garden. Will you fight the gardener ? No,
Henry will fight the gardener, because the shoemaker is ill
[kra7ik). Here is Ferdinand ! Have you washed your
boots ? Yes, my mother, I have also washed the boots of
the gardener.

For more Advanced Students. —At what hour do you sup ?
I sup at nine o'clock with the wife of the shoemaker. Have
you seen my brother ? No : but I have written to my uncle
and mv aunt. Will vou eat some ham ? Xo : I will not

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 251

eat some ham. The Hon is ill. The shoemaker laughs at
the gardeners aunt (/. e., the aunt of the gardener). Your
cousin was looking for his hat while the merchant was
dancing. The hound is not so fat as the cat {ais die
Katse).

I dance better than you, but you do your exercises better
than I. Your father was playing in the garden with your
uncle when the Hon came. The industrious schoolboy is
loved by ever}-body. I\Iy neighbour has sold his chickens to
the lion. The coachman is eating plums and apples, and
we have wine and beer. Give me some soup, some wine,
some beer, some sugar, some vegetables, and some ink,
and do not call me till four in the morning. The tailor
is here, so is the shoemaker, but the lion has eaten the
gardener.

Happy Thought. — (Finishing sentence to the exercise.)
The big hon has eaten the tailor, the shoemaker, the gar-
dener, their aunts and uncles, the brothers and neighbours,
and also the ink, the sugar, the tea, the cream, the ham, the
plums, and the boots.

Happy Thought.— To astonish Friddy with a letter in
German. Write home and say, " Meine liebe Ffatt, I am
not kra7ik now, but very much besser j in fact, quite well.
Hast die viein cheque-buck gefunden ? Ich habe mein bad
genommen. Ich habe viem cheque-buch nicht. Bist du
krank .?" :

Capital exercise the above.

232 MORE HAPPY THOl'GHTS.

Dr. Caspar compliments me on being thinner. I feel
pleased.

Note that generally every one is pleased at being
thinner.

Go and get weighed at Miss Helenthalers tobacconist
shop. Even.- one gets weighed here. Wonderful how ^Miss
Catherine, who keeps the shop, speaks English perfectly
without ever having been in England. Wonder if I should
ever speak German without going to Germany, or even ivith
going to Germany.

Note. — A writer in the Daily Telegraph, whose article I
see here, describes two gardens as existing at Aix. One, he
says called after the faithless spouse of Menelaus. There is
no such place. There is the Elisa Garden, and there is
Miss //d'/tv/thaler {i.e., Miss Catherine), who is much amused
at being called a garden.

Happy Thought.— V/rite to Daily T. and correct mistake.

Happy Thought. — Leave it alone.

I shall be sorry to leave. The longer one stays in Aachen,
the more you learn of the people, the pleasanter it is.

But Popgood and Groolly call ; or rather, as they haven't
answered my telegrams, I really must go and see what's the
matter.

Happy Thought. — Return home by Paris. Ask Friddy to
meet me there with her mother. On thinking this out
(nothing like thinking a thing out), decide that it's better

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 253

{besser) not to ask her. Shall like a fe\v days' holiday in
Paris.

Happy Thought. — Celebrate my convalescence by a dinner
given to the Professor, Caspar, and Dyngwell.

CHAPTER XXXV.

MUSIC— dyngwell's notion -economy— the party —

THE CONCERT — HERR SOMEBODY — FIDDLING — THE
SHI.PBOY — CONCERT OVER — SUPPER — BILLIARDS —
MONGOOSE— commander's STORY.

IX is musical, as musical as Manchester, and
much in the same way too. Two excellent
bands here; and once a visit from Herr Some-
thing-or-other on the fiddle of world-wide repu-
tation, the Commander informs me, though he's the last
man whom I should suspect of knowing anything about

Happy Thought. — Has sailed round the world, and met
Herr Something with his fiddle everywhere.

Dyngwell won't join our party to the Concert. He says, if
the Cockalorum would give us a " right-fol-iddity, or a chant
with a coal-box to it " (he means chorus when he says " coal-
box,'"' and the Professor makes a mental note of it, in order
to look out this particular use of the word coalbox in the
Dictionary) '"'he would come; '"' but as there is no chance of
his taste in this direction being gratified, he stays in his
room and runs through his German exercises.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 255

Happy Thought. — Beer is the same in both languages.
Bavarian Beer excellent. So also the lightest wines; e.g.
Zeltinger.

Happy Thought. — Take home a cask of the former and a
case of the latter. I point out to Dyngwell what a saving
this will be, and how necessary it is, as the father of a family
(one with rashes) to be economical. He sticks his glass in
his eye, and exclaims, '"' Bravo ! quite the drunkard I "' which
was not, on the whole, exactly the encomium I had expected
from him.

At the Concert. — Our party consists of the amiable and
learned translator of yEschylus ; the jovial, good-natured
Yorkshire Squire 'who has got well of severe gout, in a week,
in consequence of rubbing in his draught, and drinking his
lotion by mistake) ; the Lieutenant, who has come to the
Concert in the hopes of there being a '• hop '^ aftervvards,
which appears to be his one great aim in going to any even-
ing entertainment of any kind; the High Church Anglican
clergA-man, whose resemblance to a Catholic Priest would be
perfect, if there was only the slightest chance of his being
mistaken for anything else but an English Protestant
!Minister; and Dr. Caspar, who knows every one and ever}--
thing in the place, and is welcome everv'where, and can go
anywhere now that Aix is deserted by strangers, and he has
time for shaking hands without feeling pulses. Our ner\'Ous
compatriot does not appear anywhere except at table d'hote,
having probably jerked himself into bed at an early hour,
and shaken himself into a sound sleep.

256 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

HapPy Thought. — Perhaps I shall discover who Der
Ajidere Ma)in is.

First overture of Concert over. Room crowded. Elegant
toilettes; pretty Saxon faces; Prussian officers, in uniform of
course. Commander has been listening in rapt attention to
the music. We all listen to a part-song critically.

Happy Thought. — To beat time with my head and hand,
in order to show that the English are a musical nation.
Commander does the same. I ask him which he prefers,
Rossini, Auber, or Wagner. He hesitates. He asks thought-
fully, " Let me see, what was Rossini's great work ? "

Happy Thought. — (By Vvay of reply, while I think what
Rossini has written), "' His great work ! Why he's written
so many."^

The Commander says, '" He's alive still, isn't he ? " I own
I am taken by surprise, never having considered the question
of his being alive : having, in fact, generally ranked him
among the " Old Masters,'"' and got him back somewhere
near Shakspeare's time.

Happy Thought. — To laugh slily and say, " I suppose so.''
If he isn't, and was in Shakspeare's time, I can say I thought
he (The Commander) was joking. Mem. Read up Musical
Histor}': odd. I've quite forgotten it: under "C" (Composers)
and "M" (Music) in Typ. Devel. Part HI. Concert
continues.

He7'r So?nebcdy on, the violin. — Great applause on his

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 257

appearance. He has long hair, turn-down collar, and a pale
face, at least so it seems from this distance. Strange, now I
come to think of it, that all great violinists, whom I have
ever seen, are always the same, and I always see them from
the far end of a room. He plays a melody slowly, with
which he appears pleased: so do we. Commander thinks "he
must be wonderfully strong in the chin to hold the instrument
while his left hand is jumping up and down it." People look
round at Commander and say "SsshI" reprovingly. Herr
Somebody takes three decided scrapes at the strings, and
then as it were scrambles about the violin wildly. Three
more scrapes; more scrambling; tune nowhere — one, two,
three (fiercely) ; twiddley-twiddley-twiddly-iddley (wildly),
Down below like a double-bass, making a sensitive person,
like myself, experience a feehng not unlike that caused by
the steamboat when it dives in between two waves on a
rough passage ; then up again, notes running one after the
other like mice in a wall, and his four fingers and thumb
chasing them nearly to the bridge and not catching them.
Back again in among the screws, up the handle, on to the
bridge, hand still tr}-ing to seize on something, his eyes
watching the performance intently, and chin fixed. An
occasional shifting his head a little on one side, just for a
second, as if he was ticklish, but liked the sensation. Then
a plaintive bit, which seems to make him stand on tip toes,
and causes me almost to rise out of my seat. Then short
note, still plaintive, which brings him down on his heels
again. As I watch him he seems to become all violin and
arms. Sudden appearance of a little tune, immediately

255 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

knocked on the head by the bo^v. Up and down the chro-
matic scale, in and out the flats and sharps. Herr Somebody
loses his way in a labyrinth ; more mystification ; at last he's
out of the maze ; pause, flourish of bow, grand triumphal
movement (no tune to speak of, but no mistaking the time),
chords crisp, and chords loose. Running up and down the
chords ; violin swaying as if (so to speak) he'd tumble off it
every minute. We hold our breath in suspense. I almost
feel inclined to say, " Oh, do stop. Sir ! take care ! for good-
ness sake ! take care ! "

Happy Thought. — A sort of ISIusical Blondin. On consi-
deration this is a sensational performance.

Flourish, scuttle, scuttle, scuttle, up and down wildly,
chords hard, fast, and marked up the scale full pelt, ivhack!
whacker ! ! WHACKEST 1 ! I and the exhausted performer is
bowing his acknowledgments. A sigh of relief from ever}'one,
audibly, as if we congratulated ourselves, and him, on getting
through such a dangerous performance without an accident.
He is encored ; but only reappears and bows. He will not
tempt Providence again. Ever}-one says Admirable ! Charm-
ing! Wonderful! "almost equal to Joachim," cries Dr.
Caspar, enthusiastically.

Happy Thought.— " Yes, almost."

Caspar is gone, before I can add that I've never heard
Joachim. I turn to the Commander to ask him what hc^
as a musical man, thinks of it. The Commander is fast
asleep.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 259

Happy Thought. — To quote to him when he wakes, " The
Rugged Shipboy " — only I forget the rest ; but the idea is
that the Shipboy sleeps tranquilly through all dangers and
tempests on the top of a mast. I have always wondered
Avhat he held on by ? Will wake the Commander, and ask
him to illustrate this passage in Shakspeare. Commander
wakes. On being remonstrated with for his drowsiness, he
admits confidentially to me, as a thing not to go any further,
••' that it's not much good his being here, as he doesn't know
one tune from another."'

After Concert, which is over early (another excellent thing
in the Aix arrangements, everything is over early), we
adjourn to a cafe, where we each partake of a Wiener
Schnitzel, some Sauer-kraut, and a tankard of such beer as
won't interfere with your waking in the morning. The Com-
mander commences (with the cigars) his usual stor>^ about
the Mongoose. The Lieutenant begs his pardon for a
minute, and seeing a table in the ante-room vacant, proposes
billiards as a wind-up. Billiards, by all means.

We rise, and go to the billiard-room. The Commander is
I see, a little disappointed. At this moment, DyngAvell
happens to stroll in with his professorial friend, who joins us
in much the same spirit that Dr. Johnson did Beauclerk and
the others, when they got him out of bed for a frolic. It
appears they've been to supper (one of Dyngwell's inge-
nious methods of doing a German exercise) at KloppeVs or
Kruppels (I think that's what they call it), and thought, that
he (Dyngwell), and Old Cockalorum (the Professor), would
find us here. Dyngwell opportunely salutes the Commander

26o MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

with " Hallo, old Mongoose I " which puts an extinguisher
on all chance of hearing the story from the naval onicer to-
night. He has been trying to tell it for weeks. He proposes
to walk home with the Professor. Has probably hit upon
the Happy Thought of " Tell him the Mongoose stor>-.'"'
Professor says he shall be delighted, only he must speak to
a friend first. He does so ; to some one at the other end of
the room, and is not seen again, except for a second by me,
when I catch sight of his hat, which there is no mistaking.
as he is making a quiet exit by the front door.

Commander takes a seat between two Germans, with
whom he enters affably into such a conversation as his com-
mand of the language permits; i.e. at the rate of two words
in five minutes, with an occasional /(^ or ?iein. Then he goes
to sleep again. Then he wakes up. Then he disappears.

CHAPTER XXXVI.

LEAVING— THE SCOOP— FOREIGNERS— MORE EXERCISES-
GERMAN VERES— DYNGWELL'S EXERCISE— HYMN— TO
PARIS — POETRY— ARRANGEMENTS.

N five days I leave this. Sorn- ; for a pleasanter
time I've seldom spent, and shall regret leaving
Dr. Caspar and our Professor, but must get back.
Dyngwell thinks, he says, of running with me to
the ^'gay and festive village,'' — he means Paris, — " and going
on the scoop for a short burst of it." I represent to him,
gravely, that I can't go on the scoop ; to which his answer
is, " Never mind. Cockalorum, we'll bustle 'em somehow."

Dyngwell asks me to come and have a chat in his room.
We fall into German and French, I propose talking in both
languages as a capital plan for foreigners. He says,
"Who's a foreigner?" I reply, '' We are," which seems to
astonish him. He had thought that Englishmen never
could be foreigners.

Happy Thotight. — Suggest that he was thinking of Rule
Britannia and chorus. " Never, never, never, never, never,
shall be " foreigners.

I say, for practice, will he talk Germ.an to me ? He won't.

262 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

For practice, will I talk French to him ? I will. He doesn't
understand a word I say. He says he catches one now and
then. We read French to each other. Getting tired of this,
he draws my attention to his exercises, and professes to be
getting " Quite the German.'"^

Happy Thought. — To test him and his system. Represent
the conventionality of his exercises. Get one of mine
(intended for my forthcoming " Method of learning German,
French and English simultaneously," if Popgood and GrooUy
"vvill have it. Wish they'd answer telegrams) and try him.

For Begiimers. — I am fat {gross). You are poor. We
are fat and poor. Am I fat or poor t Are you ill or fat ?
He is old and little. Is he little or old ? I am rich {reich)
and fatigued. Are you little {klein), and fat {gross), and
rich and iU {krank) ?

Next Exercise. — I am not tall. They are short and idle.
Is the father good and fat ^ The mother is happy and tall.
The father and the mother are small and polite. IMy aunt is
with the shoemaker, but my uncle is in the garden. The wife
of the doctor {des A?'ztes) is in the fat carpenter's garden.

I have seen the tailor's uncle's boots {i.e., I have the boots
of the uncle of the tailor seen).

This is what Dyngwell says is his difficulty ; viz., that the
verb is (so to speak) round the corner ; or comes, as it were,
at the end of the book.

Happy Thought. — There are more things in heaven and
earth, Dyngwell, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 263^

Dyngwell puts before me his idea of our exercise.

DyngwelVs Gennaii Exercise. — Will the Coekaiorum
liquor? The old Cockalorum is moppy. Rub it in. The
tailor was bustled a bit by the wife of the Cockalorum. The
old cove went on the scoop. The venerable Cockalorum ain't
in good form. The shoemaker is a Hass. The carpenters
grandmother was quite the drunkard. The gardener has
the papsylals in his great toe. Act on the square,, boys,
and be quite the c rrect card, your vashup. The carpenter
retires to his virtuous downy. r^Iy Aunt and my Uncle.
The noble swell was all there. Well, my Lord and Marquis,
how was you to-morrow? Hallo I says the Dook. Quite
the tittup, says the Duchess. The Cockalorum was on.
I'll have your German Exercise !

"Now," says Dyng^vell, "get that into real up and down
German, and you'll be quite the scholar."

SuJiday. — In the Jesuits" Church. Expect, from seeing
the crowd, that I am going to see something peculiarly
grand. Edge myself as near as possible to the front row of
people all standing. A German hymn which I don't under-
stand.

Happy Thought. — Never offend prejudices. Look devo-
tional, and hum as much of the tune as I can catch.

No ceremonial, but a sermon. After the first twenty
minutes look round to see if there's any chance of getting
out quietly. None. Wedged in. Think of saying Ich din
sehr Krafik, and getting them to let me pass. Say this to
mv next neisrhbour. He shakes his head : either he won't

254 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

believe me, or doesn't understand. Try it once more and
give it up. Sermon lasts one hour at least.

Happy Thought {for any one who doesn't U7iderstand the
language and is tincej'tain what service he is going to hear),
— Get close to the door.

Day of Departure. — Early in the morning get weighed at
Miss Caroline's. Find I'm considerably less.

Happy Thought. — Thinner.

Say good-bye to even-body. Dyng\vell will accompany
me to Paris. Ever\-body in hotel suddenly seems to find an
opportunity for coming into my room. Waiters, chamber-
maids, porters, boots and people whom I've never seen before.
I call in to see the Bath-man and the Doucheman. They
receive their gratuity sorro^^'full^', being puzzled at the non-
success of the vapour-bath in my case as compared with that
of Der Andere Mann.

The Commander appears at the hotel door. He is also
coming to Paris. '• Capital fun, we three," he says. He
promises that he'll tell us the stor}- of the Mongoose in the
train.

Madame Dremel lends me a triumphal car in the shape
of a magnificent carriage and pair, and coachman in livery
(looking, on the whole, something like a foreign ambassa-
dors equipage in Hyde Park), and Dr. Caspar is determined
to see the last of me, for the present. I add this because I
really hope to return, whether there's anything the matter
with me or not. It's a long journey to Paris ; ten hours.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 265

HapPy Thought. — Take light wine, chicken sandwiches,
and French hterature to prepare for the gay capital. Get
Dyngwell to talk French all the way there. Good practice.

Happy Thought. — Ask Dyngwell and Commander to get
light wine and sandwiches, also.

Dr. Caspar's interest secures us a carriage to ourselves —
not to be disturbed on any account.

Happy Thought. — As invalids.

Before going, take the names and addresses of every one
I leave behind. Will write to them ; must see them ; will
all meet again, jovially — somewhere. We all mean what
we say.

" Here's old Cockalorum ! " shouts Dyng^vell, catching
sight of our good-humoured, kind-hearted Professors hat.
I ask him to watch for the first volume of my Typ.
Develop. He says, "He will do so, with the greatest pos-
sible interest."

Happy Thought.— Vdiid the Bill.

Happy Thought. — Less than I'd expected. Grand Mo-
narque excellent and moderate.

In making this note I feel as if I was doing it for a Guide-
Book. Winter is beginning. Can't help looking forward,
away from the German stoves, to the wood fires of France
and the roaring logs and coal of England. Good-bye,
sulphur waters ! Farewell, Miss Elisa !

256 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Impromptu in my Pocket-book : —

Fairest of all Aachen's daughters,
Thou ^vho gave'st me sulphur waters,
See, I go to winter quarters ;

Medical adviser
Says I may, so fare thee well,
What I feel I cannot tell.
No, nor in thy language spell,

Pretty Miss EUsa.

Dyngwell says '' Elisa ■' is pronounced '•' Eksa." Oh, is it?
ver)- well.

Happy Thought. — Think of rhymes and settle Dingwall.
L^sa — Please, Sir — teaser — greaser — tea, Sir — she. Sir — we.
Sir — Pisa, &c.

To my Friend * * * *

' ' Youthful friend, say, have you quaffed
At her hands the sulphur draught? "

" 11' 'Afiji? hands, if you please, Sir?"
Then I answer, ' ' She the nymph
Of the boiling sulphur lymph,

Lovely Miss Elisa."

^Vhat's a '■ Lymph?" says D}ngwell.

Happy Thought. — To say, '' My dear fellow, I suppose
you've never read any poetry ? '^ Dr. Caspar draws our

attention to the Station. (If Dyngwell's going to be un-
pleasant on the journey, I shall travel in another compart-
ment with the Commander.)

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 267

Once more, adieu. No, not adieu, rather au plaisir I
Tickets. Luggage.

Happy Thought. — Booked through, and change nowhere:
so whatever they say to us in German, French, or Dutch, we
don't stir.

Where is the Commander ?

Train in motion. Farewell. Au j-evoir. Hands to hats.
The last hand, the last hat (the Professor's tall crown), I can
just see; and also sudden appearance of the Commander,
too late. He had stopped behind to tell the Professor the
^Mongoose story (I hear afterwards), and was obliged to leave
in the middle. Aix, farewell !

Happy Thought. — To be prepared for even,-one, beginning
with Milburd in London coming up and saying, '' Well ; left
all your Aches behind ? "' on my telling him that Fve just come
from Aix. But have already settled ///;;/ in that letter: that
is, if he got it.

Happy Thought. — Shall simply obser\-e I've been staying
at Aachen, which will lead to the learned explanation that
Aachen is the same as Aix.

Telegraph to Fridoline from Paris. "Home, sweet Home !
Wherever I wander, there's no place like Home !" — that is,
of course, when the drains are not up, and the Inspector of
Nuisances is not bothering about the grounds. Via Paris to
England.

CHAPTER XXXVII.

RETURN — POETIC — REALISATION — ALTERATIONS — MR.
FRESHLIE — WORKS — EXPLANATIONS — WINKS— LOGIC.

ETURX home. Imagine what it will be. Wife,
child in arms, retainers, dogs, all ready to meet
me. Picture — Return of the Wanderer.
Reality. — Xobody here. Wonder what's the
matter.

Happy Thought. — Ring bell. Xo rushing in and saying,
" Behold me ! *' On the contrar)-, am kept waiting at the
gate, and have to ring twice. Gardener appears suspiciously.
Then a dog barking. Then I am recognised ; but only as if
rd just been round the corner for five minutes, and had come
back again. " Mistress is up in town ; wiU be dow^n in the
evening — to dinner, p'raps; if not, to-morrow." See the cook.
•' There ain't no dinner ordered, Sir." Oh, hang it — here is
a welcome to the Weary Traveller ! Instant arrangements
made for dinner. Look over the house.

Happy Thought. — Scotland stands where it did. — Shak-
speare.

Look over the garden : go all round it. Well, how about

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 269

the drains ? '" Oh, the Inspector of Nuisances' friend's men
have been working here, Sir," says Gardener, with an air of
doubt as to the result. " Well ? " I inquire. " Well, Sir," he
replies, " I don't see as they've done much good — if you just
come round here." I come round, and am nearly knocked
over by an infernal odour which the Inspector of Nuisances
had inspected before I left, and turned over to his friend to
obviate v.-ith pipes and bell-traps, and gutters, and ditches,
and sinks, and a disestablishment of pigstyes.

Happy Thought. — V\'hat rhymes to '' sinks ? "

Happy {but angry) Thought. — Send for l\Ir. Freshlie, i.e.,
Inspector's friend; builder, &c. : " &c." means ever)-thing.
There's nothing that Tvlr. Freshlie, I find on inquiry, does
not prt)fess to do. When once I get him on to my estate
(three acres and a shrubber}- of uncertain tenure) I find from
his account that something v.ants doing in every direction,
and that it all comes in his line of business. Locks, blinds,
chimneys, carpentry, drains, wire-work, gravel paths, stones,
cement, pond cleaning, hedging, ditching, tanks, pumps, in
fact, he makes no difficulty about anything at all.

He is a lively, burly, impressive, honest-mannered m.an,
who floors me with technicalities in the presence of my
gardener (who pretends he understands all about it as well
as Mr. Freshlie, and follows him silently, addressing him
with an occasional nod of corroboration) and, when he
answers, in person, my message in the morning, is for taking
up the paths and opening the brick-work, and, knocking this

270 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

down, and putting that up in another place by way of a pre-
liminary inquiry into the state of the case.

Happy Thought. — To say, '•' But your new drains which
you luere to have put in before I left for Aachen " — (Aachen
has no effect upon him whatever) — " when I was so ill " — (he
is perfectly undisturbed) — "they" (the drains) "were to have
obviated" — (''obviated" doesn't take him aback one bit) —
•' the nuisance. Weren't they ? " I put this to him in a
question which he 7mist answer honestly in the affirmative.

He is ready with his reply. "Just so, Sir" — (Gardener
puts his arms akimbo, and watches the case for the defence)
— " only youll see at once, Sir, where the mischief is." He
appeals to my keen perception in drainage questions. But I
won't be flattered, and am not to be put off the scent, &c.

Happy Thought. — Wish I could be put off the scent.

" Well, Sir," he continues, " if you'll just step this way " —
we step this way, he, I, and the Gardener, and we find five
of Freshlie's men at work with pickaxes, who, having taken
up a lot of tiles in the rear of the house, are now standing in
a trench of their own making. '* Now, Sir. here's the mis-
chief, you see " — he points with a tv.-o-foot rule down into the
trench. I look in closely, — gardener also, less closely. I
have a sort of idea that they are winking at one another
(Gardener and Mr. Freshlie) over my back. I am sure the
labourers are grinning: I am at a disadvantage, unless I
join them, and wink too. It occurs to me now that "winks "
rh\-mes to " sinks."

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 271

HapPy Thought. — Stick obstinately to the fact that the
horrid nuisance which he had professed to remove stiil
exists.

"Well?'' I ask.

"Well, Sir, if you look here," z>., in the trench, "you'll
see a pipe." I do. " Now this 'ere pipe communicates with
the kitchen somehow, and part of it was at one time or
another cut off — 'cos I knew the party as did it — but in what
direction I can't exactly tell, unless by taking up the tiles on
this side, and opening up the yard towards the stable, as it's
not unlikely that the running in may be from where the old
pigst)'es were, unless the slops are emptied above and over-
-flow from the small cistern into the gutter pipe — I've known
such things afore now — in which case o' course it's \qx\
easily accounted for ; you don't know if they do that. Sir 1 "

No, I don't. He wants to throw the blame on the servants ;
if he is right, that is if they do empty slops into the cistern,
and if the pipe does carry them down, and if, (Sic, (Sic, then
it follows that /am to blame. Qui faeit per aliiimfaeit per
se, I know ; so it's clear that if my agents empty slops, it's
the same thing as if / emptied slops ; so that, according to
Mr. Freshlie, I have only myself to blame, not hi/n.

Happy Thought. — To call out to Housemaid, and ask her.
" Yes," she answers, " she do sometimes, — she ain't got no
other place."

I appeal to Mr. Freshlie, and say, translating her idiom,
" She hasn't got any other place, you see.'

At once he has the best of it. He looks grave. " Well,"

272 MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

says he, "well soon get over that. If y 021 like^^ — (this put
emphatically, and meaning, "You give me the order, and
111 run you up a bill in no time ") — '" if yoii like, Sir, I'll take
this tiling up here, lay down a regular set of pipes, which
won't interfere with the overflow, and will take it all off into
your ditch at the side, where it wont be no sort of objection"
— (what is he talking about .^) — '' and then we'll stop up this
place here" — (points with his two-foot rule to the trench,
which he has opened himself) — "and run a drain right away
off towards the lower part, and by placing a bell-trap with
clear openings, whichll work up and down so as it'll always
keep charged with water, and nothing can come in ; it's an
improvement on the old sort of trap you've got here " —
(which he put in, by the way) — and works as easy as " can
be, and then I think everything will be done to make a good
job of it."

HapPy Thought. — A good job for him.

HapPy Tliought. — To ask the Gardener, as a witness on
my side, does he think that if this — (" this" means whatever
Mr. Freshlie has been talking about) — is done, we shan't be
bothered any more with the nuisance.

Happy Thought. — i.e., with Mr. Freshlie and his bill.

Gardener says, " Yes, he thinks that'll be all right ; " but
he doesn't commit himself more decidedly.

\Vhen Fridoline arrives next day, she complains of there
being nothing but nasty men digging, and sawing, and

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. 273

hammering, about the place. I point out that it is for
sanitary reasons. Then she returns, " What ^vas the good
of your going to Aix?"

Happy Thought. — Drop the subject.

Our Yacht.

OUR YACHT.

INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER.

EA UMARIS, Wales.— Two friends propose to
me in the summer, " Let's have a Yacht and go
somewhere." I demur, on account of probable
expense. They explain that it won't be any more
expense than being on shore. Migsby (subsequently the
Commodore — a born Commodore — ) goes into what he calls
details on paper, from which he proves to our satisfaction
that " life on the ocean wave is," so to speak, " the cheapest
thing out."

The question naturally arises where's the Yacht ?
I have been always of opinion up till now, that a yacht
must be bought. I find it can be hired. " What tonnage
v/ould we like," asks ]\Iigsby. I look at Finndon (" after-
wards," as they say in the Pantomime bills, "Lieutenant")
and observe that I don't care about the tonnage. {Truth
to myself. What does Migsby mean ? — I own {to inyself) to
beincr entirelv ig^norant of nautical matters, and haven't an

2,-8 OUR YACHT.

idea on the subject of tonnage. No doubt he will gradually
explain.)

"A seventy-five will be too large for us,"' says Migsby.
after pausing for a reply.

"Yes," I reply decisively; "besides,"' I am impelled to add
smilingly, '"we don't want a man of war."

This is taken for a good joke. They laugh, I say '• Well,
but seriously we don"t want a seventy-five, because what are
we to do with cannons :"" They burst into shouts. I had
always heard of a "seventy-four" as one of the Wooden
Walls of Old England and connected with Nelson, the Nile,
Trafalgar, and so forth. Ergo: I thought that that was
what Migsby meant by a sevent}'-five, and that he could in
consequence of the invention of steam and turrets pick one
up cheap, which, with the portholes closed, would do for a
yacht. He explains that he means seventy-five tofis, not
guns. Oh !

Happening to be talking of this when the Postman arrives,
he (the postman) observes that if we want a yacht there's
one to let at Bangor, which belongs, he thinks, to Purkiss
the Baker.

What on earth can a Baker want with a yacht, unless he
goes out in it to get accustomed to the '■'roll of the sea!''

Migsby and Finndon will go over and see the Baker of
Bangor.

The Baker of Bangor is inter\-iewed and the affair is
settled.

The "yacht" appears to me to be something between a
small coal barge and a big fishing-boat. Instead of being

OUR YACHT. 279

light, elegant, varnished and polished, it is quite black out-
side, and a dirty white inside. However Migsby explains
that the look of the thing doesn't matter, as we get it cheap
by the week.

]\Iigsby further discovers that the Crew can be hired (also
cheaply) at Bangor, and so we obtain a Captain (in thick
boots, a Jersey, and a tarpaulin hat; and a Cook who is
recommended to us as a *' treasure."

In costume there is no difference between the Cook and
the Captain, and in fact their general appearance is remark-
ably similar, the Captain perhaps being a trifle dirtier than
the Cook when off dut}-, and the Cook when on duty being a
trifle dirtier than the Captain.

With this Crew we start from Bangor.

CHAPTER I.

WE START — BREAKFAST— THE TREASURE— LOG COMMENCED
— NAUTICAL PHRASEOLOGY — DL\RY — A ROW — MADE
UP.

UR breakfast — my first breakfast — on board, is
simple and unostentatious. There is a table in
the cabin. Its legs are up in the air ; that is, it
is supported from above instead of below by thin
ropes, uhich with some little ingenuity we have now reduced
to equal lengths. It must be a xoxy good arrangement this
when the ship is in motion, as, through its swinging about,
the centre of gravity (I believe I speak scientifically) is in-
variably preserved. Our Treasure of a Cook sends us in
some capital tea, some eggs excellently boiled, and some thin
slices of bacon beautifully grilled. We all agree that he
is a Treasure. The Captain and Crew breakfast together in
the " forecassel," or hold ; the}''ve got no table, nothing but
the top of the stove, and, from what I saw, I suppose they
must lie in their berths while taking their meals, as on any
other supposition the disposal of their legs is a mathematical
impossibility.

The Captain comes to our cabin for a second supply of
" rations,'' which sailors, it appears, prefer to tea. The Com-

OUR YACHT. 281

modore serves out a tumbler of brandy betv.-een them, and
tells them that after breakfast we would " get under way, or
weigh (whichever it is)" and sail down the straits. It is
arranged that 7ioiu is the time to make my daily entn.- in the
Log. I refer to it.

" Tuesday. Wind blowing down the straits ;'" that is, when
I hold out my pocket-handkerchief, it is blown out towards
Beaumaris, and my hat goes in that direction, while my
hands are engaged with the log and handkerchief. The
Captain had said it was blowing freshish. He was right :
the Commodore won't let him go after my hat in the small
boat, which is unkind.

Log again. " Freshish wind ; hat overboard ; no attempts
at a rescue. Getting under way (or weigh). The Captain
says he must take the tiller (N.B., something to do with
steering), and the Commodore tells me I must bear a
hand (N.B., a nautical phrase, we are all talking nautically
now, and I have given up wearing braces) and assist at the
cab-stand, or cap-stand. (X.B., I think it ivas the cap-
stand ; I don't like to ask the Commodore what is the m.ean-
ing of these phrases, because it makes him so angry, and his
explanations are not as clear as I should have expected from^
a person who knows so much about these sort of things ; but
I gather that cap-stand, which is a sort of post to which the
anchor is fastened, is so called from the expression a ' capful
of wind,' of which you can't take advantage unless the anchor
is unfastened.)"

Private Diary from Log. — I regret to say that there
was a little disturbance on board, to-day. I further regret

232 OUR YACHT.

to say that it was, to a certain extent, my fault. I have
apologised, and peace reigns again. It was in reality, the
Lieutenant's fault, not mine. He came downstairs to talk
to me soon after the order about bearing a hand at the
cap-stand had been given, and we agreed that the Com-
modore was rather over-bearing. Why should he call
himself a Commodore ? Why should Tom only be a Lieu-
tenant? Why, I added, should I only be a Mate? Tom said
he wouldn't stand it if he was in my place. We agreed that
something ought to be done about it at once. We ought to
speak to the Commodore. Tom observed that as I was going
on deck I might at once speak to him, and he would back
me up. On consideration I thought it would be better if ^e
spoke to the Com^modore, and / would back him up. I liked
the idea of backing him up, because, as I have said before,
the Commodore do£s get so angry. We settled that we'd
both go and speak together. We went up on deck, I first.
The Commodore was at the head of the Companion. (N.B.
The cabin ladder.) I told him I wanted to speak to him.
The Lieutenant, instead of backing me up, went down the
Companion to fetch his hat. I hate a fellow who sneaks
away. I told the Commodore that I thought as our voyage
was only for fun, that is putting it as pleasantly as possible,
I ought to be something more than a Mate. The Commo-
dore wanted to know what I meant by " fun ? " I said that
my meaning was it was all a lark. He replied that he under-
stood me, and I'd better bear a hand forard. I refused un-
less I Avas something more than a Mate.
What would I be ? he wanted to know.

OUR YACHT. 283

Not having given this point sufficient consideration, I sug-
gested that I should hke to be a Cornet. He said if I was
going to play the fool we'd better give the whole thing up.
Did I know, he asked, that rank on board a gentleman's
yacht was recognised in the Xa\y .'' I didn't know this, but
if it was so I certainly preferred being a Cornet to anything.

He said Cornets weren't nautical, being dragoons. The
Lieutenant joined us here, and said (by way of backing me
up) that I had better get a Commission in the Mounted
Marine Force. I asked if these were recognised in the
Xa\y? The Commodore answered decidedly, recognised
ever}- where. It struck m.e that this was a very good idea as
a pacific compromise. It was agreed that I should apply for
a Commission to the Admiralty by letter ; they grant these
to yachtsmen like commissions to Volunteers, and that I
should write up to Town for a uniform. They told me that
if I wanted to save expense, I'd better write to Mr, May, the
costumier of Bow Street, who had plenty of these uniforms
second-hand as good as new, and at a ven- moderate figure.
We couldn't wait for it, but the parcel might be addressed to
me on board the Saucy Nautilus in the Docks, Liverpool,
where we should be in a few days. The Lieutenant wrote
the letter while I was bearing a hand.

Log.—^^ The anchor is weighed, and precious heavy it was.
It took three of us and a strong chain to get it on board.
The mainsail is up ; we all bore hands in hauling her up.
The foresails are up ; we cried, ' Tally-ho ! ' all the time, and
shouted, ' Now together \ Tally-ho ! ho ! ho ! ' We are moving
as I write, so / can't write any more. Wind ffeshisher ;

284 OUR YACHT.

latitude and longitude uncertain at present ; compass on
board to tell us all about that. We're fairly off. A Life on
the Ocean V/ave, Tally-ho ! "

P.S. I reopen this to say I've made a mistake. The Cap-
stand isn't a Cap-stand ; we haven't got such a thing on deck.
I thought that the thing by which the anchor is weighed was
the Cap-stand ; it isn't, that's the windlass. I've often heard
of a windlass. Directly they told me I said, " Oh, that's it,
of course," as if Td only forgot ten the name. That's my art-
fulness. Ta:lv-ho !

CHAPTER 11.

A DIFFERENXE — PUFFIN— THE C. T.— LOG— BEAUMARIS—
GUNS — THE ROVER — WADS — DIFFICULTIES— THE RAM-
ROD— LOG AGAIN — ROW THE THIRD.

ELAY ! We've had another row. It was not
my fault this time. I am disappointed. Puffin
Island I knew wasn't anywhere near America,
but I was not prepared to find it within a mile
or so of Bangor — just, in fact, at the entrance of the Straits.
I joined in the cruise under the impression we should go
somewhere a long way off — Niagara, for instance, or at all
events, the coast of France. My companions (I don't mean
the ladders, but the Commodore and Lieutenant) say that
they came to shoot Puffins. I am not naturally irascible,
but when I heard this I said, " Blow Puffins ! " They have,
however, promised to go on a voyage, and we're to victual
and take in stores at Liverpool.

A Puffim is a bird ; the Lieutenant described it as a sort
of a C. J., and I said, " Oh, indeed ! " [Xofe. It strikes me
suddenly, while jotting this down in my diar}-, that he meant
a Sea-Jay, of course.] By the way, " Tallyho " is «(?/ a
nautical expression ; it's " Yeo ho " I meant. I am getting
no end of a hand at a Log. Here's an entry : —

235 OUR YACHT.

" Tuesday. After breakfast. — Wind blowing Any way.
[The Lieutenant put this in for a joke : it means N,E, way.
When the Commodore saw it, he said if we were going to
make idiots of ourselves, we'd better give the whole thing up.
We promised not to be idiots. Order restored.] Piped all
hands to belay. (I really must get a pipe, and learn how to
belay.) Belayed from 8 till 9 A.M. (This means that we lay
on deck and read, or talked and smoked. The Captain was
not belaying — he was steering. The Treasure, i.e. the Cook,
was in the forecassel, that is, his head and shoulders were in
the forecassel, washing up.)

" 9 A.M. — Passing Beaumaris. Guns brought out to shoot
Puffins with. The)''ve given me a gun. I am lying on deck,
noting dov.n in my Log. The/ve given me powder, shot,
wads, and caps, and I've got to shoot Puffins. This is
delightful. The boat has scarcely any motion, and, contrary
to my wildest expectation, I feel quite well. I sing for sheer
joy, The Rover is free 1 ' I don't know any more than that
line, and haven't a notion of its tune. We sight the Island
of Puffin, and the sea. How ver>' rough the sea looks about
Puffin 1 — quite different to the Straits. The Captain says it

is roughish there. I begin to wonder whether but no,

' The Rover is free I the Rover is free I ' But it does look
rough. Wind blowing. Guns going to be loaded. Puffins,
tremble. Log closed for the present."'

Diary. — I told the Commodore I wasn't much of a shot
(no more I am, as I have subsequently discovered) when on
board a yacht, \\'hat I may be on shore, I don't know, as I

OUR YACHT. 287

have never had the opportunity of trying. I knew something
about it, though, having luckily practised, years ago, at a
penny a shot, or so much a dozen, on a wooden blackbird
tied to a pendulum in a gallery of Savile House. Then there
was a dirty man, in shirt-sleeves, to load for me, so that I
never, as it happened, observed that process. What puzzled
me was the wads. I thought I'd copy the other fellows in
loading, but couldn't, as they'd both got rifles that didn't
require ramrods and wads, &c.

To load a gun by the light of nature, is not so easy as I
had imagined from seeing the man at Leicester Square. All
I ever noticed him doing was to put a cap on. So I laugh
it off (I don't mean I laugh the gun off, but the awkward-
ness of the situation), by saying to the Lieutenant, " Hal ha !
ha ! Y021 don't know whether powder, or shot, or wads go
in first, eh.?" He is evidently annoyed at this charge of
mine, though playfully made, and replied, " Wads, of course."
(I recommend this method of gaining information in prefer-
ence to any unnecessary display of ignorance.) He says
"wads." I'll use two to begin with. I must here remark
what an ill-constructed affair is a powder-flask; I never
seemed to be getting any out at all, and yet after eight or
nine attempts I found the barrel full almost to the brim — I
mean muzzle. This delays me, and I have to begin again.
We now get in full view of Puffin Island, and into the rough
water. I go below to load, where I can be quiet. I
find the Treasure in the cabin, aft. I don't know what
associates him in my mind immediately with brandy and
rations. He is very ci^■il, and offers to load my gun.

288 OUR YACHT.

I tell him that the wads are already in, and he takes them
out. I say, " Oh, you don't use them, eh ? " So I gather
there are more ways than one of loading a gun. The cabin
is very stuffy and hot, and getting up the companion with
a gun in my hand is very difficult. Standing on deck with
it is more difficult. I now refer to an entr\', evidently
made in short hand, on account of the motion of the
vessel : —

" lo A.M.— Rough. On deck. Difficult to write. Com^"''^
says note Puf. Isle. Put gun down take log. Com^ says
what long, and lat. Map. School Atlas. Puf. Isle not
down. Long, and lat. 53 by 4. Map 2. INIiles or feet?
Rough. Waves. Treasure at bow. Waves hat. For help.
To fright Pufs. Pufs fright^. Flock flying. Comm^^^
shoots. Lieut, shoots. Not well to-day. Cap° says calm
outside : wish it was inside."

Diary fro7n Recollection. At NigJit.— \ recollect when
my turn came I made a shot. Not a bad one as a shot.
It must have hit something. In loading rather hastily and
jauntily, for I was pleased with my execution, which had
quite taken away my qualmishness (X.B., nothing like firing
off a gun as a remedy against sea-sickness), I jerked the
ramrod sharply down the barrel, and it striking against the
wads, or something, jerked itself sharply into the air, ever
so high, and fell into the sea. I proposed going" out in the
little boat and recovering it. The Captain said, better get
a diver to do that. Mv shooting v/as over for the season.

OUR YACHT. ^39

Log. — *' 1 1 A.M. — Passing Puffin. Calmer. Pipe all hands
to second breakfast or first dinner. Rations No. 3 for Captain
and Treasure. Hungr\-. Latitude and longitude as before.'"'

At this meal, the waves being still boisterous, we have to
hold the swinging table with one hand and eat with the other.
We then adopt the plan of two holding while the third
eats. As this would prolong the dinner indefinitely and
spoil the third person's dinner, we let the table go and dine
as we can. We sit against our berths. At the third helping
of soup the Commodore's plate makes a rush at his mouth,
and I find m.yself sprawling over the Lieutenant. The
Commodore says I might have helped it if I'd liked. I reply
I mightn't, angrily. He returns, that if I can't help play-
ing the fool ever}-where, we'd better give the whole thing up.
After he has said this, he and the Lieutenant, accompanied
by two plates and the soup tureen and the table, come right
over me all in a lump. I catch hold of the Commodore's hair.
The rest of the dinner may be described as the Treasure
staggering in with hot tins holding hotch-potch and sea-
pies, and we alternately sprawling over one another with soup
plates until one of the ropes break, when we are all on the
floor together — tins, mugs, tureens, plates, hotch-potch, sea-
pies, my gun, log book, and powder-flask.

CHAPTER III.

i^^GCaVT-AV^-^/?— BECALMED— BOOKS-— TIME— FORGETFUL-
NE53 — LAZINESS — UNPLEASANTNESS — BLACK EYE'D
SUSAN— WILLIAM— BILLIARDS — FIDDLES— DANCING-
EFFECT OF CALM— THE CAPTAIN — A SUSPICION.

^ OG. '-'Out at sea. Between Puffin and Liverpool.
Both places invisible. Wind, none. Long, and
lat. uncertain. Been uncertain for two days.
Wish we could get on."

In fact, a dead calm. For one whole day not a Ava\-e,
not a ripple, to be seen anywhere. The sails won't
act, the rudder can't act, ive cant act. We have nothing
to read, and have, as the notices of weddings run, "no
cards." When I say vre have nothing to read, I do not
mean that there is a scarcity of books ; no, on the contrary,
the Commodore had three shilling volumes — The Gainblei^s
something, The Forger's something else, and Revelatiotis of
a somebody. These we had read, and hard work it was. The
Lieutenant possessed an Almanack, an Index to an Atlas
(Atlas wanting), and part of a Catalogue of the South
Kensington Museum. I had two old letters unanswered, a
collection of small bills unpaid, a metallic pocket-book

OUR YACHT. 291

without a pencil, and a book of Douglas ]Qrro\^^s Black-Eyed
St/san with the cover off, and defective in pages towards the
chmax. This last, and the Almanack, afford us some amuse-
ment in the earlier part of the day, from, I should say, 7 A.M.
till 10; after which hour commenced an uncertainty about
time in general. The Lieutenant hasn't got a watch, the
Commodore has lost his key, and I have forgotten to wind
mine up. The Commodore says he never saw such a fellow
as I am for forgetting a thing. Having nothing to do, we
breakfast for the third time, and the Lieutenant gives out
double rations to the Crew. We then lie on our backs at
the stern and smoke. We begin by saying that this is very
jolly. In the course of an hour, I observe that I don't think
it z's so ver}' jolly, which provokes the Commodore into
remarking that I know nothing about yachting, and that if
I am getting tired of it, I'd better give the whole thing up.

If ever I have a yacht of my own, Til have a billiard table
on board. That's what we want, a billiard table. The
Commodore and Lieutenant smoke incessantly: I try to,
but never can manage more than two pipes and a half;
and the half's a little uncertain. I endeavour to get up a
conversation on a sailors resources when there's a calm.
Billiards for instance. They observe, Billiards! contempt-
uously. I refer to Black-Eyed Susan as an authority.
William, I recollect, used to swear pretty considerably, call
people on shore " swabs, land-lubbers," his wife's relations
''grampuses," and a ploughman, from whom he wished to gain
some information, '• a dying dolphin ; " while on board he'd
reef in yards, pipe broadsides to quarters, stride like a lion

L- 2

292 OUR YACHT.

with surf in his face, whispering '• Susan,"' to himself during
an action, bring other people on their beam-ends, heave
a head, charge an elderly gentleman of loose character
with " cutting the painter of a pretty pinnace, and sending it
(the pinnace) drifting without a compass,'' and so forth ; but
what he did when there was a calm doesn't appear ; unless
at the end, which is torn out in my book, and then, if I
recollect right, the only time there was a calm, the Admiral
took advantage of it to \.rx William by court-martial, and
have him hanged before it got rough again. I suggest to
the Commodore that sailors generally have a fiddle on
board, and dance. The Commodore says grumpily, that
there isn't a fiddle, and if there was he wouldn't dance.
The Lieutenant calls upon me (he is l>4ng stretched out
like a star-fish) for a song. Being unable to oblige, I offer
to read Willia?n. Offer declined without thanks. I say I
am sure I'd heard something about dancing round the
caboose, or spinning yarns over the galley fire. I know I've
seen a picture somewhere of " Saturday night at sea." The
answer to this, on the part of the Commodore, is, that it
isn't Saturday night. As to sitting round the galley fire
in the caboose, \vhich is where the Treasure cooks, it is
evident that, as there is only room for the Treasure's head
and shoulders, three people attempting to dance there, or
spin yarns, would find themselves inconveniently crowded.
The subject drops. The Captain here appears and re-
quests rations. Considering that it is calm, and that the
Captain is an Old Salt, he seems to keep his legs ver\'
badly. On his request not being immediately acceded to, he

OUR YACHT. 293

repeats the word several times with variations, as if he had
not, in the first instance, succeeded in making himself suffi-
ciently intelligible.

The course he chooses to adopt (these sailors are the
queerest people !) doesn't improve matters, as he slips from
"Rations"' down to ''Rachel/' and from that to '" Rayshe,'
when he catches hold of a rope, and then begins to laugh
as if he'd done something clever. As he has evidently
come up to amuse us, I laugh too, just to humour him,
whereat he becomes suddenly grave, and frowns upon me
rather rebukingly.

It strikes me at the same time that it evidently does the
Commodore, that this is the effect of a calm upon the
Captain. The Lieutenant thinks that rations have had some-
thing to do with it. I should perhaps have been inclined to
his opinion, but for the Captain himself saying it was the
calm.

CHAPTER IV.

LOG-DIARY RESUMED — THE TREASURE — TESTIMONIALS —
INTOXICATIOX — DIFFERENXES — STEERING — THE COM-
PASS— RAIN— THE LIEUTENANT DISAGREEABLE — MORE
ROW— CAPTAIN HIMSELF AGAIN — THE TREASURE — A
FIGHT.

fFs^^jj UR-vaclitin^ is over for this vear. I note down
i i^^^Wi t-e account of our last few days. After the calm
n ^3!-.'-^^. came a storm. The Captain and the Treasure

became so hopelessly intoxicated that we had to
manage the vessel ourselves. We first found it out in con-
sequence of a delay on the part of the Treasure in bringing
in dinner. \Ve found him in the caboose boiling our compass
in a steu-pan, while the Captain was doubled up in a comer
nodding and smiling like a Mandarin. On remonstrating
with the Treasure he became obstinately polite, and clung to
the repetition of one word, '• tessermonels/' by which we
gradually understood him to mean that he could refute the
present charge of intoxication by reference to his testimonials.
The Captain only shook his head and muttered '"'rations.'' I
called to mind the Mutiny of the Bounty, and thought what
a horrible thing it would be if our crew suddenly broke out

OUR YACHT. 295

into open defiance of authority. However they didn't mutiny,
but went fast asleep.

The Commodore was now obliged to take the steering in
hand. We, that is the Lieutenant and myself, managed the
sails ; and it is really as easy as possible to haul in the
mainsail-gaff, and the top jib-boom and so forth, although it
sounds difficult. The question arose as to where the land
svas ? I thought that it was on the right. The Commodore
asked how far off? I referred to the index of my map, but
as there was no map with it, this proceeding did not help us
to any great extent.

WHien night set in should we still go on sailing ? the Lieu-
tenant asked. The Commodore said, why not ? I agreed
with him, why not ? Because, the Lieutenant reminded us,
the compass was broken, and how could we steer without a
compass ? I agreed with him, and put this question to the
Commodore as a poser. He was ready for the emergency.
'' How," he asked, " did people steer when they Jiadn't
compasses, eh ?" I gave it up ; so did the Lieutenant at first,
though as an after-thought he said, " By the stars." " Very
well," returned the Commodore, "then we'll steer by the
stars," and thought he'd settled the matter. I asked, '• By what
stars ? " and the Commodore said, that " if I was going to play
the fool and upset all his arrangements, we'd better give the
whole thing up." I wanted to make a few further inquiries,
but the Commodore said he 7nust steer, and I oughtn't to
speak to the man at the wheel. Taking advantage of his
inability to quit his post, the Lieutenant and myself went
for'ard, and after a short conversation, settled that steering

296 OUR YACHT.

by the stars was humbug. The Captain and Treasure were
still heavily asleep. Towards evening it began to rain. I
didn't know that it did rain at sea ; I thought it v/as only on
land to make vegetables grow. It rained until it was
dusk, and then a bit of a wand sprung up. Ivlost extraordinary-
thing, as I told the Lieutenant, that I always thought the
wind went down at night. The Lieutenant, who had been
getting more and more disagreeable ever since the insubor-
dination of the Crew, said, ''Down where?" If the
Commodore hadn't asked him to take a turn at the wheel we
should have quarrelled. He didn't manage the steering well,
and took, the Commodore informed me, all the wdnd out of
our sails. I know they began to flap about in a vacillating
manner, and the Commodore remonstrated. The Lieutenant
who was ver\' grumpy, said, " He'd better do it himself, if he
was so clever." I tried to pacify them by saying what did it
matter ? On which they both replied, " Oh, didn't it
matter ? " sarcastically. Luckily the Captain was suddenly
restored to consciousness, and came aft with a rather dazed
expression. He said he couldn't make out what had been
the matter with him. He hoped we didn't think it was any-
thing like intoxication. We confessed that we thought the
symptoms somewhat similar, but he explained to us that in
/lis case it was a sort of a something that he'd once had when
he was a child, and the doctors said it wouldn't come again ;
but, having come again, it had, he explained, took him quite
unawares like. He believed he'd never quite got over the
measles. He strongly reprehended the conduct of the Trea-
sure ; and proposed that he should be discharged at Liverpool.

OUR YACHT.

257

He took the helm, and we were all silent and sulky. I
made up my mind that I'd desert when I got on shore, and I
think we all, when we did speak, came to the conclusion that
we wanted a larger yacht. The Treasure woke up, and
became obstreperous and quarrelsome at midnight. He en-
gaged in a single-handed combat with the Captain, but on his
foot slipping, he was luckily knocked down the companion
and shut up in our cabin, where he abused us through the
skylight until he went to sleep again. His imprisonment
prevented us from taking our natural rest below. So we sat
on deck and tried to pretend we were enjoying ourselves.
The Commodore looked glum, and smoked. The Lieutenant
squatted with his chin on his knees and grumbled : while I
spent my hours in drowsily meditating on IVilliajn, Susan,
the nautical drama, my costume waiting for me at L'pool, and
the probable expenses of our trip. Loi^. — Morning broke :
grey J duU, and drizzling, wind anyhozi'.

CHAPTER V.

THE MERSEY — DISCUSSION" — QUESTION — NEGATIVED— THE
IDEAL — THE REAL — ROLLING GAIT — SALTS ASHORE—
THE HOTEL— COMFORT — BED.

MAKE my last extract from the Log.

'•' Entered the Z^Iersey this morning. Low water.
Stuck on the bar. Wind E. Latitude and longi-
tude, vide map of England ; place. Liverpool. The
Treasure penitent and apologetic. Intend to send yacht
back to Bangor, by Captain and Treasure. Commodore and
Lieutenant think that it hasn't been such bad fun, after all ;
ihey say I can't rough it. I say I can. They ask me then
will I go to Nonvay? I reply no, decidedly. High tide.
We are off the bar, and are going into L'pool. Just in.
Wind changed."

I had always thought that the arrival of a yacht was a
picturesque sight. I imagined, from what I had gathered,
that you pulled up alongside of the Quay, where there were
Officers and Yachtsmen to meet you : that they cheered you
all the way wherever you went, cr}-ing " Hurrah ! Bravo ! '"
or anything else that came into their heads. I also had
an idea, that, before landing, you sailed majestically into
Quarantine, and were saluted by a Flag-ship. But nothing

OUR YACHT. 299

of this sort is done ; at least at Liverpool. We couldn't get
up to the kerb, I mean the Quay, but had to go ashore in our
small boat. We paid off the Captain and Crew, who neither
cheered us, nor offered to carry our luggage to the cab. It
seems so absurd to talk of a cab, now, after being a son of
the Ocean for nearly three weeks. Sailors always roll about
when they come on shore : so we all rolled about ; at least I
did. The Commodore pretended that it made no difference
to him. It did to m.e ; walking properly was really difficult,
and by the aid of a little art, I made lots of people think I
was a sailor. The Lieutenant suggested enviously that they
thought I was a fool. But this was only said because he
couldn't roll from one side to the other. When a salt is on
land he spends all his money : I did this with great facility,
beginning with a warm bath, a basin of turtle at the Adelphi
Hotel, and a box of cigars at the first Tobacconist's.

To-night I sleep in a comfortable bed : I write this from
my room in the Adelphi. O the luxury of sheets ! The
Commodore has just come into my room to smoke a cigar
with me before turning in. He still talks about keeping
watch, and one bell. He says he wishes that we had had
the Saucy Nautilus during the American war, we might
have been a blockade runner, and made our fortunes.

To this obser^-ation, which he made when I was in bed
and had shut up my diar>^, I replied that / shouldn't have
run blockades, and I made some joke about blockade and
blockhead, which this morning I can't call to mind. I
recollect his answering, that he was going to have proposed
another voyage, soon, for smuggling or whaling (or some-

300 OUR YACHT.

thing which he thought amusing), but that if I turned ever)--
thing into ridicule, why of course he"d better give up the
whole thing at once.

As I don't remember anything of the Commodore after
this, I fancy I must have fallen off to sleep.

Morning. — They have both gone : and have left me to
settle the hotel bill. They'll ''make it all right" (this in
a letter) " when we meet in town." I am now off to town,
to make it all right.

After Note. — The Treasure and Captain on being left to
themselves, must have taken freely to " rations " as they ran
the yacht aground somewhere in the straits (having luckily
got as far as that), and then decamped with the small boat,
leaving the Nautilus to take care of itself and be found by
the Baker of Bangor (as it subsequently was) grounded and
lying helplessly on its side.

Proceedings threatened against us.

Last Note. — Baker of Bangor pacified. Damages settled.
End of Cruise.

THE END.

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