My life as a dissociated personality

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COinVTWAY LIBEURY

HC IHXR L

* -)CT 23 1963 *]

My Life as a
Dissociated Personality

By B. C. A.

With an Introduction by

MORTON PRINCE, M.D.

BOSTON
RICHARD G. BADGER

Vfie tfotfwm 9nM
1909

Copyright, 1909, by Morton Prince, M.D,
All Rights Reserved

**My Life as a Dissociated Personality** originally
appeared in The Journal of Abnormal Psychology

4

The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A.

MY LIFE AS A DISSOCIATED PERSONALITY

BY B. C. A.

PART I

[An account of the various phases of dissociated personality, written by
the patient, after recovery and restoration of memory for all the different
phases, cannot fail to be of interest. If the writer is endowed with the
capacity for accurate introspection and statement, such an account ought
to give an insight into the condition of the mind during these dissociated
states that is difficult to obtain from objective observation, or, if elicited
from a clinical narration of the patient, to accurately transcribe. In that
remarkable book, "A Mind that Found Itself," the author, writing after
recovery from insanity, has given us an unique insight into the insane mind.
Similarly the writer of the following account allows us to see the beginnings
of the differentiation of her mind into complexes, the final development
of a dissociated or multiple personality, and to understand the moods,
points of view, motives, and dominating ideas which characterized each phase.
Such an account could only be given by a person who has had the experience,
and who has the introspective and literary capacity to describe them.

The writer in publishing, though with some reluctance and at my re-
quest, her experiences as a multiple personality, is actuated only, as I can
vouch, by a desire to contribute to our knowledge of such conditions. The
experiences of her illness — now happily recovered from — have led her to
take an active interest in abnormal psychology and to inform herself, so far
as is possible by the study of the literature, on many ofthe problems involved.
The training thus acquired has plainly added to the accuracy and value of
her introspective observations.

A brief preHminary statement will be necessary in order that the account,
as told by the patient, may be fully intelligible.

The subject has been under the observation ofthe editor for about two
years. When first seen the case presented the ordinary picture of so-called
neurasthenia, characterized by persistent fatigue and the usual somatic
symptoms, and by moral doubts and scruples. This phase was later termed
and is described in the following account as state or complex A. Later
another state, spoken of as complex B, suddenly developed. Complex A
had no memory for complex B, but the latter not only had full knowledge
of A, but persisted co-consciously when A was present. B was therefore
both an alternating and a co-conscious state. Besides differences in memory,
A and B manifested distinct and markedly different characteristics, which
included moods, tastes, points of view, habits of thought, and controlling
ideas. In place, for instance, of the depression, fatigue, and moral doubts
and scruples of A, B manifested rather a condition of exaltation, and complete
% freedom from neurasthenia and its accompanying obsessional ideas. With

'^^ the appearance of B it was recognized that both states were phases of a disso-

^ *' ciated personality, and neither represented the normal complete personality.

After prolonged study, this latter normal state was obtained in hypnosis.

4 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

and, on being waked up, a personality was found which possessed the com-
bined memories of A and B and was free from the pathological stigmata
which respectively characterized each. This normal person is spoken of as
C. The normal C had, therefore, split into two systems of complexes or
personalities, A and B. This relationship may be diagrammatically ex-
pressed as follows:

A B

This account will be followed in the next number by one written by the
dissociated personality B, describing the point of view of the patient in this
state and also her subconscious (co-conscious) life (which she claims to
remember) in its various relations and functionings. The analysis, how-
ever it be interpreted, cannot fail to be a remarkable contribution to the
subconscious. — The Editor.]

My dear Dr. Prince,

You have asked me to give you an account of my illness as
it seems to me now that I am myself and well; describing
myself in those changes of personality which we have called
^'A'^and'^B."

It is always difficult for one to analyze one's self ;accurately
and the conditions have been very complex. I think,
however, that I have a clear conception and appreciation of
my case. I remember myself perfectly as " A '* and as
'* B.'* I remember my thoughts, my feelings, and my points
of view in each personality and can see where they are the
same, and where they depart from my normal self. These
points of view will appear as we go on and I feel sure that
my memory can be trusted. I recall clearly how in each
state I regarded the other state and how in each I regarded
myself.

As I have said, I have now, as " C," all the memories of
both states (though none of the co-conscious life which, as
B, I claimed and believed I had). These memories are
clearly differentiated in my mind. It would be impossible
to confuse the two as the moods which governed each were
so absolutely different, but it is quite another thing to make
them distinct on paper. I have, however, been so constantly

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 5

under your observation that you can, no doubt, correct any
statement I may make which is not borne out by your own
knowledge.

I am, perhaps, of a somewhat emotional nature and have
never been very strong physically, though nothing of an
invalid, and have always been self-controlled and not at all
hysterical, as I would use the word. On the contrary, I was,
I am sure, considered a very sensible woman by those who
know me well, though I am not so sure what they may think
of me now. I am, however, very sensitive and responsive
to impressions in the sense that I am easily affected by my
environment. For instance, at the theatre I lose myself in
the play and feel keenly all the emotions portrayed by the
actors. These emotions are reflected vividly in my face and
manner sometimes to the amusement of those with me and, if
the scene is a painful one, it often takes me a long time to
recover from the effect of it. The same is true of scenes
from actual life.

Before this disintegration took place I had borne great
responsibility and great sorrow with what I think I am justi-
fied in calling fortitude and I do not think the facts of my
previous life would warrant the assumption that I was,
naturally, nervously unstable. It does not carry great
weight, I know, for one to say of one's self, — I am sensible,
I am stable, I am not hysterical, — but I believe the state-
ment can be corroborated by the testimony of those who
have known me through my years of trial. The point I wish
to make is that my case shows that such an illness as I have
had is possible to a constitutionally stable person and is not
confined to those of an hysterical tendency.

A year previous to this division of personality a long
nervous strain, covering a period of four years, had cul-
minated in the death of one very dear to me. I was at that
time in good physical health, though nervously worn, but this
death occurred in such a way as to cause me a great shock
and within the six days following I lost twenty pounds in
weight. For nearly three months I went almost entirely
without food, seemingly not eating enough to sustain life, and
I did not average more than three or four hours' sleep out of
the twenty-four, but I felt neither hungry nor faint, and was

6 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

extremely busy and active, being absorbed both by home
responsibilities and business affairs. The end of the year,
however, found me in very poor health physically and I was
nervously and mentally exhausted. I was depressed, sad,
felt that I had lost all that made life worth living and, indeed,
I wished to die. I was very nervous, unable to eat or sleep,
easily fatigued, suffered constantly from headache, to which
I had always been subject, and was not able to take much
exercise. The physician under whose care I was at this
time told me, when I asked him to give my condition a name,
that I was suflFering from **nervous and cerebral exhaustion."
It was at this time that the shock which caused the division
of personality occurred. Before describing it I should
mention a few of my most pronounced minor traits which,
though of no importance in themselves, will enable, through
the change that took place in them, the marked alteration of
character after the shock to be recognized. Among these
characteristics were a great dislike of riding on electric cars,
an almost abnormal nervousness about bugs and mosqui-
toes — I always disliked going into the woods for this reason —
an aversion to exercise in summer, and a fear of canoeing. I
had never enjoyed sitting out from under cover or on the
ground as the glare of the sun was apt to cause headache
and I abhorred all crawling things.* I was reserved with
strangers and not given to making my friends quickly;
devoted to my family and relatives, fond of my friends, and
not in the habit of neglecting them in any way. I felt much
responsibility concerning business matters and had given
a good deal of time and thought to them. Many more pe-
culiarities might be mentioned. The change which took
place in me in these respects will be presently related. But
shortly before the complete change took place, to my surprise
there were times when I did some of the things above referred
to, such as sitting in the woods, etc. I felt a sense of wonder
that I should be doing them and a still greater wonder that
I found them pleasant. There was also a sense at times of

*I have put this in the past tense because I have changed in some of these
characteristics. I enjoy an out-of-door h'fe more than I used to; am fond
of the woods and the water in spite of the insects and the fact that I am
afraid of a canoe.

My Life as a Dissociated Personality J

impatience and irritation at being troubled with business
matters or responsibility of any kind and an inclination to
throw aside all care. I wondered at myself for feeling as I
did and rather protested to myself at many of my acts but
still kept right on doing them. It seems to me that these
ideas and feelings formed a complex by which I was more or
less governed and that this complex gradually grew in
strength andcanbeidentified with that of the personality (B)
which first developed.*

The shock I received was of an intensely emotional nature.
It brought to me, suddenly, the realization that my position
in life was entirely changed, that I was quite alone, and with
this there came a feeling of helplessness and desolation be-
yond my powers of description. I felt, too, angry, frightened,
insulted. For a few minutes these ideas flashed through my
mind and then — all was changed. All the distressing ideas
of the preceding moments left me, and I no longer minded
what, a moment before, had caused me so much distress. I
became the personality which we have since called " B.*'
I do not feel now that the episode was of a character that
would have affected a person of a different nature, or even
myself had I been in good health. Psychologically speakings
I suppose I was already in a somewhat disintegrated condi-
tion and, therefore, more susceptible. At any rate it did
affect me. From the moment of that shock I was, literally,
a different person. The episode itself became of little or no
importance to me and I looked upon it rather as a lark and
really enjoyed it, as I did, in this character, succeeding events.
With the change to "B** there was no loss of memory as some-
times occurs under such conditions. It seems very curious
to me that the effect of this shock was to change me not to the
despondent, despairing mood of **A " which came later, but
to the happy mood of " B.**

In describing the two personalities I shall sometimes have
to refer to them by the letters A and B to avoid the constant
repetition of * 'myself as A — myself as B."

As B, I was, apparently, a perfectly normal person, as will
be seen from the description which follows, except that I was

*The gradual growth of the B complex is well described in the account
written by B to be published in the next issue of the Journal.

8 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

ruled by a fixed idea that upon me, and me alone, depended
the salvation, moral and physical, of a person who was almost
a perfect stranger to me. I had known this person but a few
weeks. This idea became an obsession; all else sank into
insignificance beside it; nothing else was of any consequence
and I went to all lengths to help this person, doing things
which, though quite right and proper, indeed imperative,
from my point of view as B, were unwise and unnecessary.
I believed that I was the only one in the world who would
stand by him; that every one else had given him up as hope-
less and that his one chance lay in his belief in me.

With the change of personality, which will be clearer as you
read, there was also a complete change of physical condi-
tions. Previously neurasthenic, I, as B, was perfectly well
and strong and felt equal to anything in the way of physical
exercise. The minor traits I have above mentioned were re-
placed by their opposites. A walk of three or four miles did
not tire me at all; I tramped through the woods during the
hottest days of summer, with nothing on my head, feeling no
discomfort from the heat and no fatigue; I sat on the ground
in the woods, hours at a time, not minding in the least the
bugs and the mosquitoes; canoeing I was very fond of and
felt no fear of the water. I also took long rides on the
electric cars and found them perfectly delightful. These
are small things but, as you see, it was a radical change and
seems as strange to remember as the more important ones.
As B, I was light-hearted and happy and life seemed good
to me; I wanted to live; my pulses beat fuller, my blood
ran warmer through my veins than it ever had done before.
I seemed more alive. Nothing is stranger to remember than
the vigorous health of B. Never in my life was I so well,
before or since. I felt much younger and looked so, for
the lines of care, anxiety, sorrow, and fatigue had faded
from my face and the change in expression was remarked
upon. I neglected my family and friends shamefully,
writing short and unsatisfactory letters and leaving them in
ignorance of my health and plans; business affairs I washed
my hands of entirely. I lost the formality and reserve
which was one of my traits. My tastes, ideals, and points
of view were completely changed.

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 9

I remained in this state for some weeks, enjoying life to
the utmost in a way entirely foreign to my natural tastes and
inclinations as described above, walking, boating, etc.,
living wholly out of doors; and also doing many irresponsible
things which were of a nature to cause m^ much distress later.

Some of this might, perhaps, be ascribed to improved
health though different from anything I had ever been be-
fore.

After a period of a few weeks I received a second shock,
which was caused by the discovery of deception in matters
which my " obsession" had taken in charge. The revelation
came in a flash, a strong emotion swept over me, and the
state B, with all its traits, physical characteristics, arid points
of view disappeared, and I changed to another state which
we have since called A. In this state my physical condi-
tion was much as it was before the first shock, that is, I was
neurasthenic. From a state of vigorous health I instantly
changed to one of illness and languor; could hardly sit up,
had constant headache, insomnia, loss of appetite, etc. My
mental characteristics were different. As before, however,
there was no amnesia either for the state when I was B or for
my life before the first shock.

Now, though as A I was filled with most disproportionate
horror at what had occurred during the weeks of my life as
B, I was ruled by the same obsession, but with this difference:
what I, as B, had done with a sense of pleasur.e, I, as A, did
with a sense of almost horror at my own actions, feeling that
I was compelled to do so by what seemed at the time a sense
of duty. I felt that I must carry out certain obligations, and
I doubt now, as I afterward expressed myself to you, if I
could have resisted had I tried. I would not refuse the de-
mand for help which was made upon me because I, as B,
had promised my aid, but in complying I was obliged to do
things which seemed to me, as A, shocking and unheard of.
I felt that my conduct was open to severe criticism but I had
promised and must fulfil though the skies fell. It seems to
me now, in the light of our present knowledge of B, that I
was in. a sort of somnambulistic state governed by what I
have learned were co-conscious ideas belonging to B; that the
impulses of the B complex were too strong to be resisted;

10 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

but in my memory my ideas as B were at this time so curi-
ously intermingled with my ideas as A that it is useless to
try to analyze my mind more accurately. In mood, point
of view, ideals I was A, but I did the things B would have
done, though from a different incentive. For a few days I
remained A and then, owing, I think, to a lessening of nervous
tension, I changed again to B and remained in that state
for two or three weeks during which time I was physically
well and happy again. At the end of this time, as a result
of another realization of the actual situation, A reappeared
and was the only personality for some weeks. These changes
were due to successive emotional shocks.

When you first saw me I was A at my worst. I had no
amnesia for the events of the preceding months when, as B>
I had been filled with the joy of living. There was no
thought on my part of any ''change of personality " — I had
never heard of such a thing — but I was like one slowly
awakening from a dream. I was equally aghast at what I (B)
had done for pleasure, and at what I (A), had done from a
sense of duty; one seemed as unbelievable as the other. One
of the most shocking things to me, as A, was the fact that I
had enjoyed myself. Had I committed the most dreadful
crimes I could not have felt greater anguish, regret, and re-
morse. I was dominated by the fixed ideas and obsessions
of B; I felt that I must respond to any call for help made by
this person even though it was against my inclination and
judgment to do so; there seemed no choice for me in the
matter — I had to; I could see no point of view but my own.
To do what seemed my plain duty I was willing to sacrifice
myself in every way, but could not see that I (A) was now
causing as much anxiety to my family as I had previously^
done as B; that I was sacrificing them also, or that my idea
of duty was entirely mistaken. A, it would seem, was the
emotional and idealistic part of my nature magnified a thou-
sand times. My emotions and ideals as A were not different
in kind from those of my normal self, but were so exaggerated
as to be morbid.

As A I was full of metaphysical doubts and fears, full of
scruples. I did not attend church because I felt that I could
no longer honestly say the Creed and the prayers. The

My Life as a Dissociated Personality II

service had lost all meaning to me and so it seemed hypo-
critical to take part in it. I felt that I had utterly failed in
the performance of every duty, and tortured myself with the
remembrance of every act of omission and commission. I
accused myself of selfishness, neglect, in fact, of nearly all
the crimes in the calendar including, in an indirect way, that
of murder. My conversation was always of the most serious
character, — religion (I believed in nothing), life after death
(of which I found no hope), and I dwelt much upon the fact
that no one should be judged by their deeds alone, that no
one could tell what hidden motive had prompted any given
act. This was because I had (as B) done so many things
which (as A) I wholly disapproved of and felt might be mis-
understood. I did not understand them myself but knew
that my motive had been good. I was frightened, bewildered,
shocked, agonized — concentrated anguish and remorse.
During these weeks I suffered more than any one ought ever
to suffer for anything, and always, over and over in my mind
went the same old thoughts, — " Why did I do as I did ?
How could I have done it ? Why did it seem right ? What
would my friends think if they knew } I was mad ! / was
not myself.*^ Finally I decided to end it all — I could not
live under such a weight of humiliation and self-reproach. I
am sure, Dr. Prince, that you must remember how impossible
it was to reason with me as A, for it was at this time and in
this state that I was sent to you.

Shortly after I came to you I began to alternate frequently
and it is well to emphasize that one marked change in the
state of A developed. In this state I now had complete
amnesia for my whole life as B; for everything I thought
and did.* In other respects, however, these states were
identical with what they had been. The presence of amnesia

*This came about in the following way: One day while A was in hypnosis
she suddenly and spontaneously changed to a different hypnotic state char-
acterized by change of facial expression, manner, speech, etc. It was after-
wards recognized that this was the B complex in hypnosis. I had not before
seen or heard of the B complex as such. I had only known that the subject
from her own account had been in a neurasthenic condition and had been
through periods of improvement and relapses. I did not suspect that these
phases of improvement and relapses represented phases of personality^such

12 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

made no difference in the fact of change of personality. As
I see it I was just as much an altered personality before the
amnesia developed as afterward. As B, \ had no amnesia.
I claimed not only as an alternating personality to remember
A J but to be always co-conscious with A and to remember my
co-conscious thoughts. As a co-consciousness, of course, I
(B) would know A. As stated above I have now no remem-
brance of that co-conscious life and cannot speak of it from
my own knowledge. Why my memory of B should not in-
clude that of her (my) co-conscious life, I must leave to you to
explain.

The amnesia made life very difficult; indeed, except for
the help you gave me I think it would have been impossible
and that I should have gone truly mad. How can I describe
or give any clear idea of what it is to wake suddenly, as it
were, and not to know the day of the week, the time of the
day, or why one is in any given position ^. I would come to
myself as A, perhaps on the street, with no idea of where I
had been or where I was going; fortunate if I found myself
alone, for if I was carrying on a conversation I knew nothing
of what it had been; fortunate indeed, in that case, if I did not
contradict something I had said for, as B, my attitude toward
all things was quite the opposite of that taken by A. Often
it happened that I came to myself at some social gathering —
a dinner, perhaps — to find I had been taking wine (a thing
I, as A, felt bound not to do)* and what was to me most
shocking and horrifying, smoking a cigarette; never in my
life had I done such a thing and my humiliation was
deep and keen.

as was soon discovered to be the case. A few days after the B complex had
appeared in hypnosis this phase spontaneously waked and alternated, as it
had previously done, with the A complex. But now, as the writer says,
there was amnesia on the part of A for B. The explanation for this is un-
doubtedly to be found in the fact that a new synthesis and more complete
dissociation of the B complex had taken place through the experience of hyp-
nosis. Analogous phenomena I have observed in making experimental obser-
vations but it would take us too far away to enter into this question here. (Ed.)
* During the first weeks of my existence as B I had pledged myself
to drink no wine. The promise was made under such conditions that no
reasonable person could have felt bound by it. As B I realized this and felt
no obligation to keep it but as A, I could not feel so, though you had assured
me over and over again that I was not in honor bound.

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 13

I would often wake in the morning, as A, to find a note on
my pillow or on the table — usually of a jeering tone —
telling me to * *cheer up/' to " weep no more," etc. ; some-
times these notes would be in rhyme and nearly all advised
me not to trouble Dr. Prince so much.* These notes were
written by B when I " changed " in the night, but, as A, I
supposed, when I first found them, that I had written them
in my sleep. If my condition had been one of remorse it was
now one of despair. After a time, as A, I destroyed all the
notes I found without reading them, hoping in this way to
discourage B's fondness for writing. As a result I found
one morning a sheet of paper pasted directly in the middle
of my mirror. It was fastened at each comer with large red
seals and bore the inscription " READ THIS " and con-
tained information which it was quite necessary A should
have. As B my attitude toward myself as A was something
like that of a gay, irresponsible, pleasure-loving girl toward
an older, more serious-minded sister. I, as B, had no pa-
tience with A's scruples and morbid ideas and actually en-
joyed doing things which I knew would shock or annoy my-
self as A, though occasionally as B, I felt a little sorry for A.
It must be remembered that while I, as A, recognized no
division of personality and considered B's acts (of which it
must be kept in mind I had no memory) as my own, I, as B,
did not look upon A as any part of myself. As B, I felt my-
self to be a distinct personality and insisted upon it to you
over and over again. I realized that I was not normal but
thought that A was not normal either. I believed that my
own views were more correct than A's and were entitled to
as much consideration and could never understand why
you should prefer to keep A in existence rather than B. I
felt that with the restoration of the normal self I could not
'*come" as an alternating personality but I believed that I
should always be co-conscious. As B, I felt very grateful
to you for treating me as if I were a " real " person and allow-
ing me to express my own personality. With every one else
I had to pretend to be A, and my feeling of gratitude and the
fact that you asked for my co-operation — put me on my

*Some notes were of a different kind and you have told me that they
were wiitten in nocturnal somnambulism.

14 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

honor as it were — was the underlying motive in telling you
so much of A's inner life. I, as B, thought A was very silly
not to tell you all the things which were troubling her — as
was indeed true — and it seemed to me (B) a great joke on
A to get up in the night and write you a long letter telling A's
most secret thoughts and perhaps inclosing something I, as

A, had written but had not really intended to send you. It
is true that, as B, I was perfectly willing to tell you things
which, as A, I would rather have died than disclose. Would
this not seem to show that even when a personality becomes
disintegrated the real self, the ego, remains unchanged and,
in a way, governs the whole, even if imperfectly ? Even as

B, feeling sure that the integration of the whole self meant
my own extinction, I still, for the most part, gave my help
toward that end.

As B, I was very extravagant and spent money in a most
lavish way, buying things which, as A, I felt I could not
afford, for though A was not, like the famous Mrs. Gilpin,
" upon pleasure bent " she did have " a frugal mind."
Being, as B, very fond of all sorts of giayety, I constantly made
engagements which, as A, who had no heart for social pleas-
ures, I did not care to keep; I constantly encouraged visitors
whom, as A, I did not care to receive; a volume could be
filled with the troubles of this ill-assorted pair of mes, some
of which were tragic and some very funny.

As A, I was all emotion as regards people, but I never felt
anger nor resentment. In this and other respects the change
from what I was before the first shock was marked. I had
become absurdly grateful for every attention shown me
though I felt myself separated from all my relatives and
friends by the, as I considered it, strange experience I had
had. It seemed to me as if my haart were frozen and that an
invisible barrier was between me and every one else and that
I did not love my family as I had formerly done; it seemed
to me that I felt nothing; but at the same time I was racked
by the agony of the thought. Any tale of sorrow, suffering,
or sin stirred me to the depths, but I experienced no sensation
of pleasure or happiness. The out door world was unreal
to me. I realized that it was beautiful; that the trees were
green and stately, that the sky was blue, the wind soft, the

My Life as a Dissociated Personality l$

water smiling; but I saw it only with my eyes and to feel
beauty one must see it with the soul also. I felt myself no
part of it, — I was in the world but not of it.

As B, I felt no emotion except that of pleasure, using the
word pleasure as meaning a " good time," — social gayety,
driving, motoring, walking, boating, etc., but my enjoyment
of these things was very keen. As B, I was always the gayest
of the company, but for people I cared nothing. The little
acts of affection which we all perform in daily home life I
never thought of. The habit of shaking hands with one's
friends, kissing or embracing those nearer and dearer had no
meaning to me. Ordinarily, I think, when one shakes hands
with a friend one feels the individuality of the person, more
or less, and the clasp of hands means something, but as B
it meant no more to me than clasping a piece of wood, and the
acts of shaking hands, embracing, or kissing were all alike —
it made no difference to me which I did — one meant just as
much as the other. This lack of feeling applied only to
people, for I loved the outside world; the trees, the water, the
sky, and the wind seemed to be a very part of myself. The
emotions by which, as A, I was torn to shreds, as B, I did
not feel at all.

My taste in reading differed greatly in the two states. As
B my reading consisted largely of the magazines and short
stories, though after becoming interested in the study of
psychology I enjoyed reading on the subject as much as A
did. Aside from that one subject, however, I preferred the
lighter reading and, curiously enough, I liked to read stories
which portrayed the very emotions which I never felt,
Kipling fascinated me. As A, I read Victor Hugo, Ibsen.
Tolstoi, Maeterlinck, a great deal of poetry, the * *Rubaiyat '*
of Omar Khayam until I knew it by heart and anything that
touched upon the deeper problems of life.

In matters of dress and social pleasures A and B were
diametrically opposed. At the time of the dissociation of
character I was wearing mourning, but black was distasteful
to me as B, and so far as was possible, I wore white — not
even a black belt or buckle would I put on. This fact was
far more strange than it seems, and caused much friction, for
B's manner of carrying out her ideas was, under the circum-

1 6 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

stances, eccentric, to say the least, and as A it offended my
sense of propriety and my pride. As A, I cared almost
nothing for social pleasures, dress, etc., though my tastes in
such matters did not materially change, but life was much too
serious and painful to think of such frivolities; I went to the
theater and places of amusement because you said I must,
not because I cared to.

B usually kept A's engagements unless they conflicted too
much with her own wishes, and she kept A informed as to
what had happened or was to happen, by notes, unless the
changes of personality were too rapid. The diary, which
has, at your suggestion, been kept, was also of great service
in keeping A informed as to the course of events. I will copy
a few extracts from this diary, as it gives a very good idea of
the different moods and points of view.

Under the date July 23, 190 — , B writes: " I am here
again to-night, B, I am. I may as well tell all I have done, I
suppose. For one thing I had a facial massage — there is
no need of being a mass of wrinkles. I know A doesn't care
how she looks, but I do. The Q's spent the evening here and

— if I don't tell, S will, I suppose — I smoked a cigarette.
S was terribly shocked and angry with me. Now, A, don't
go and tell Dr. Prince, you don't have to tell him everything,

— you do it, though. I must have a little fun." The follow-
ing day A writes: " I have struggled through another day.
B has told what she did. How can I bear it ? How explain ?
I am so humiliated, so ashamed. Why should I do things
which so mortify my pride 1 Quite ill all day, — I am, as
usual, paying for B's * fun.' It is not to be borne." August
20, " Terrible day — one of the worst for a long time. I
cannot live this way, it is not to be expected. I am so con-
fused — I have lost so much time now that I can't seem to
catch up. What is the end to be ? What will become of
me.f^" August 21, B writes: "Good gracious! how we
fly around. A has been ill all day — could not sleep last
night. I hope he (Dr. Prince) won't send for us for he will
put a quietus on me, and as things are now I am gaining on A.
Had a gay evening — no discussions of religion or psychology,
no dissecting of hearts and souls while I am in the flesh."
August 25, " I wonder if A is really dead — for good and

My Life as a Dissociated Personality ij

all ? It seems like it. The thought rather frightens me
someway, as if I had lost my balance-wheel. She wants to
die, she really does, for she thinks it to herself all the time,
I wish I were myself alone, and neither A nor B; I cannot
bear to hear A groan, she cannot bear my glee/' August
26, **Such a day! A got away from me for a little while and
tried to write a letter to Dr. Prince. It was a funny looking
letter for I kept saying to her * you cannot write, you cannot
move your hand ' but she had enough will power to write
some and directed it. The effort used her up, however, and
I came and the letter was not mailed." August 27, A
writes: **I am too much bewildered to write. I have suc-
ceeded in writing Dr. Prince, if I can only mail it. Oh, but
I am tired! Such an awful struggle!'*

To show how strangely the physical condition changed as
I alternated between A and B : September — , * *A was used
up and had to stay in bed all the morning but I came about
one o'clock and Mrs. X asked me to motor down to Z. Had
a gorgeous ride and got home at seven nearly famished, for
A had eaten nothing all day — she lives on coffee and somnos
— nice combination — steak and French fried, for mine,
please. Y was delighted with the cigarette case; you must
grin and bear it. A." As B, I had given a cigarette case as
a birthday gift to a young relative to whose smoking A seri-
ously objected. November — , **What a day! Now you see
it and now you don't — A ill, B well — first one and then
the other. I got ready to go to the dentist — then A came;^
and her head ached and she was too ill to go. Then I came
again and practised — etc." I remember this day distinctly.
As A, I could not sit up, my head ached so badly. Then I
would lose myself, that is, change to B, and feel perfectly
well and go on with the work in hand. Changing to A again,
with amnesia for the time I had been B, I would feel very ill
and have to lie down. I think I changed from one state to
the other at least half a dozen times and A's day was one of
suffering and B's day one of health and activity. Again B
writes : * *I am really thinking seriously of going away. I am
sure I could get along all right by myself. Dr. Prince says
I am a * psychological impossibility ' (absurd), I am a psy-
chological fact — more real than A. I could easily go away

1 8 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

— Dr. P. could not help it." As A, I was stricken with
terror by an entry like the above for I knew that as B, I
could carry out my threat if I chose. November — y *Well,
once more I am permitted to write in this old diary. — After
we got home C went to pieces. I never saw such a lot I —
and then poor old A came, again anguish, wringing of hands,
finally tears, then, thank goodness! I came myself. I
cannot see why Dr. Prince would rather have that emotional,
hysterical set than to have me! It passes comprehension.
I know everything, always, and they only know a few things
for a few minutes."

This gives an idea of A's point of view: August, 190 — ,
' *I11 again — headache all day — these memories rack me.
O, why, why, why did I ever feel and do as I did feel and do !

— and it all seemed so right to me, so impossible to do any-
thing else. I cannot understand where my commonsense
was — it is so incredible. I can't believe sometimes that it
is not all a frightful dream — if I could wake and find it so!

— the irony, the cruelty of it. Time is an * arch satirist '
indeed! He is having a little joke with me. There is one
way to end it — how long before I avail myself of it ? How
much must I suffer?" B feels quite differently: **I could
have the loveliest time in the world if A would stay away
long enough. There are lots of things to do and I am going
to do some of them if I have half a chance. * A short life and
a merry one ' shall be my motto."

This diary was kept for about a year and is a most curious
document. Both as A and as B I often wrote at length my
own theories and explanations of my case. Sometimes when
I was writing as A, co-conscious B would take control of my
hand and I would write, automatically, most decided objec-
tions to the ideas I had just expressed.

I hesitate to write of the times when I was influenced by
co-conscious B for I have no memory of the co-conscious
process. I remember, in the alternating state of B, telling
you that I could when co-conscious control A by willing,
but of that " willing " as a process I have no knowledge.
But, as a fact, on numerous occasions I was prevented
from doing something I wished to do, or made, in some
mysterious way, to do something I objected to. Afterwards as

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 19

B, I claimed, as I remember well, to have co-consciously influ-
enced my other self by willing. I will give one instance of
the effect on A of this co-conscious willing. As A, I felt it my
duty to go often to the cemetery to which, as B, I objected.
In fact, B said she would not go there nor allow A to do so.
A writes in the diary as follows : * ^Another queer thing hap-
pened to-day. I have not been to the cemetery for a long
time so started to go there. I had gone only a little way when
I began to feel that I could not go on. I do not mean that
I did not wish to but that I could not easily move my feet in
that direction. It was as if some physical force was restraining
me, or like walking against a heavy wind. I kept on, however,
and finally reached the entrance, but further I found it im-
possible to go — I was held — could not move my feet one
inch in that direction. I set my will and said to myself, I
will go, I can go and I will, but I could not do it. I began to
feel very tired — exhausted — and turned back. As soon
as I turned away I had no trouble in walking but I was very
tired."

I do not think I can make the living of such a life at all
clear to those who know nothing of such conditions. It
would seem impossible for one to get on at all and it was at
once more, and less, difficult than could be imagined. The
social situation was often most complicated; the nervous
strain was intense; the anguish of mind frightful; but, as B,
I had no amnesia; as A, I stayed very closely at home, was
very intuitive and one grows extraordinarily quick in guess-
ing; it works wonders to look intelligent and say nothing,
particularly when no one suspects such a condition, for if
one seems forgetful or absent-minded, the last explanation
to suggest itself to one's friends would be ^'change of per-
sonality.*'

It all seems very strange to me now that I have become
myself with all these memories. I feel quite differently
about everything. The memory of those months of B's
existence seems like the memory of a delirium. I feel, in a
way, no responsibility for what, as B, I did. I remember
those acts as my own; I deplore many of them; I cannot
understand why they gave me pleasure for they would give
me none now; I am sorry about them just as I would regret

20 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

having, in the dehrium of fever, done something which I
would not in my right mind do, but I do not feel so humili-
ated, so ashamed of them as I did as A; they are so foreign
to anything I would naturally do that they seem to be their
own excuse. If, as A, I could ever have realized that B was
only an illness, I should have been spared untold mental
agony. But, as A, remembering as I did in the first part of
my illness all my neglect of my friends and family, my in-
difference to their anxiety about me, the pain I caused them,
and the many unconventional things I had done, I could not
excuse or forgive myself; and never, as long as the state A
remained did I cease to be terrified and ashamed by the state
B. I thought there must be something fundamentally
wrong in my nature; that if any one knew the things I, as B,
had done, I should be forever disgraced. Everything I did
as B, I, as A, disapproved of. The things that gave me pleas-
ure as B, caused me, as A, the bitterest mortification. As A,
I condemned myself as B, utterly without mercy, and I
suffered intensely.

I have said that I remember both A and B as myself and
that is true, but there is a certain difference in my memory of
B which I cannot quite describe. I do not understand my-
self as B. It seems like a delirium. A seems somewhat
like a delirious state also, perhaps dazed would be a better
word, but I understand why I felt as A did. A seems ex-
actly like myself in an absurdly morbid, emotional, and un-
reasonable condition, but B seems foreign, though I was
naturally of a gay and light-hearted disposition.

I could have lived my life, after a fashion, in either one of
these states had either one been stable enough to maintain
itself without changing. Apparently my mental powers
underwent no great change, but now that I am myself I can
see that in neither state was I capable of forming a well-
balanced judgment. As A, I could see only one side of a
subject. I could not compare, adjust, and shift my point of
view nor look at anything in an impersonal way. Perhaps
such a state would explain the fanatics and faddists who hold
so tenaciously to their illogical ideas and who go to such ex-
tremes in carrying them out.

As B, I should have been in trouble all the time over money

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 21

matters and the pleasure of the moment would have de-
termined my course of action regardless of consequences. I
should probably have lost all my friends, also, as I felt no
affection for any one and was bound by no conventions. As
A, I should have been in trouble all the time over everything
on account of scruples, doubts, and fears, etc.

A and B are a good illustration of the psychological law,
which you yourself have cited, that " States of Pleasure are
concomitant with an increase, and states of Pain with a de-
crease of the vital functions." If I may so express it, A was
a state of pain and B was a state of pleasure and their phys-
ical and psychical conditions corresponded. As A, my psy-
chical state was one of depression, hopelessness and despair,
and my physical condition was one of neurasthenia. As B,
my psychical state was of exaltation and happiness and the
physical condition was one of vigor and ambition. When
these conditions and relations are better understood by all
physicians there will perhaps be hope even for the poor
'^neurasthenic.'*

Should this article be read by any but those who have
some knowledge of such conditions I am afraid they will say,
" she was crazy,*' but I was not and never have been
for one moment insane, though as A I used to fear I might
be. During all this time I lived my life to all appearances
like any ordinary person. I directed the daily routine of my
household, took entire charge of extensive repairs to my
house, and managed my business affairs to a large extent.
These things were done perhaps in a somewhat erratic manner,
because as B, I neglected them if possible, and this made
it doubly hard forme as A, but not one of my family or friends
suspected the true state of the case. I believe they all real-
ized that I was in a serious nervous condition, very change-
able as to mood, and felt much anxiety about my health but
that was all.

I have not spoken of my recovery in the restoration of my
normal self as " C." As to how this was accomplished I
know nothing except what I have been told which is very
little. Everything was done through hypnosis and I have
no memory of what occurred. I only know that I went to
you one day in a more than usually disintegrated state; that

22 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

I was hypnotized and that I woke up myself with a feeling
of strength and self poise to which I had long been a stranger.
There were no blanks in my memory — I remembered every-
thing. This had been partially accomplished before but the
resulting state had not been stable and it would involve too
wide a digression to explain it. Every improvement in my
condition has been made by the use of hypnotism. I have
complete amnesia for my hypnotic states but the results ob-
tained I can speak of with conviction. Over and over again
I have gone to you, as A, feeling utterly discouraged and hope-
less; worn with insomnia and aching from head to foot from
nothing but mental strain; so fatigued that the slightest ex-
ertion was an effort. I have, in this condition, been hypno-
tized and when I woke a change so complete had taken place
as to be little short of miraculous. The depressing emotions
had disappeared and were replaced by a feeling of courage
and ability to endure the trials of my life; the sense of physi-
cal and mental fatigue had given place to a sensation of
lightness and well-being; the aches and pains were gone.
I have then returned to my home comparatively happy, had
a good night's rest and borne the strain of my peculiarly try-
ing life for a longer or shorter period, as the case might be,
with some degree of fortitude. This was the change which
could be wrought by suggestion in hypnosis in the state
called A, for I am speaking of the earlier part of my illness
before a synthesis of memories had been effected and A was
the personality most in evidence. The same statement, how-
ever, holds good for the unstable state above referred to when
my memory was approximately complete but when I was
easily disintegrated by any emotional strain or physical
fatigue. Even now, being my normal self, I wake from
hypnosis with a marked increase in my feeling of strength,
stability, and ambition. As I have stated, I have never been
in vigorous health (excepting during the time of my existence
as B) and have suffered all my life from so-called nervous
headache. For this trouble I have been treated by a pumber
of physicians and I have no doubt that I have taken every
known drug for headache, but nothing has ever given me
such prolonged relief as therapeutic suggestion in hypnosis,
and my health is better now than for a number of years.

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 23

I realize the inadequacy of this description, Dr. Prince;
it needs a mind trained to such study to do the subject justice
and I cannot find the words to make the distinction between
the two personalities as sharp as it really was. Moreover,
I have touched only upon the lighter side of the case. The
many deep experiences, some of them so bitter to remember
and some of which have caused me lasting sorrow I cannot
bring myself to relate and **the half has not been told.'*
Few, I hope, have ever had or ever will have such an expe-
rience as mine. It seems to me, however, that similar con-
ditions must often prevail when they are not recognized, or,
if recognized, are but vaguely understood; there is little
knowledge of the necessary treatment and the case is con-
sidered hopeless. As I have recovered, so may others simi-
larly afflicted, and it is for this reason, and with the hope that a
more general knowledge of the phenomena exhibited may be
of some value in the treatment of such disorders, that I am
willing to have the facts published. If it does serve that end
I shall feel it some compensation for the suffering and tur-
moil of the past few years.

PART II
An Introspective Analysis of Co-Conscious Life

BY A personality (B) CLAIMING TO BE CO-CONSCIOUS

[Prefatory Note: Part I, which appeared in the Oct. -Nov.
number of the Journal, entitled, "My Life as a Dissociated Per-
sonality," gave an account of the different phases of multiple person-
ality as they appeared to the subject after restoration to health. The
account which is here presented was written by the same subject in
one of her states of dissociated personality known as B, and gives the
point of view of the subject in this condition. This personality, it
will be remembered, although an alternating personality, claims also
to be co-conscious with the other phases of personality, including both
the dissociated state A and the integrated normal state C, and to
have a stream of mental life contemporaneous with the stream of the
main personal consciousness of either state. (Objective evidence for
this claim has in part been presented in two previous articles, one en-
titled ** Experiments to Determine Co-Conscious (Subconscious)
Ideation," by the Editor, and one on " Experiments in Psycho-
Galvanic Reactions from Co-Conscious (Subconscious) Ideas in a
Case of Multiple Personality," by Dr. Frederick Peterson and
the Editor. These appeared in The Journal of Abnormal
Psychology for April-May, 1 908, and June- July, 1908, respectively.)

This second account derives its chief interest from the
fact that it is an introspective analysis of co-conscious life made
by a person who remembers, as she claims, this life. It is not,
therefore, an interpretation of objective facts, as must be any
conclusions drawn from co-conscious phenomena, like automatic
writing and hysterical automatism, but the remembered conscious
experiences of the person herself. In this respect it is a record of
conscious processes similar to that which any one might give by
introspective analysis of his own thoughts.

Not the least interesting part of the analysis is the genesis of
the co-conscious stream which the writer traces to a complex (B)
which had previously existed for a long period as a phase of her
character but without wwawareness for the same, and which con-
tinued without interruption after unawareness had developed, and

24

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 25

thereby became independent and co-conscious by definition although
it had really existed before. This complex, however, as will be seen,
is not the whole of the co-conscious life, which also embraces a syn-
thesis of perceptions of which the subject is not aware. The rela-
tions of this co-conscious stream to the personal consciousness, its
influences upon the latter, etc., are also described as they appear to
the writer. The only aid given the writer in the preparation of this
account was to indicate some of the various points upon which it
seemed desirable to have such introspective testimony, such as " The
Content of Co-Consciousness," " Separateness of Co-Consciousness,"
etc. These are given as headlines and have largely determined the
form of the account. (The first headline, " Genesis of Dissociation,"
was inserted by myself after the account was written). Every care
has been taken not to influence the writer in her introspective observa-
tions. The rough draft, however, was criticized, some statements
were challenged as interpretations, and the writer made to defend her
statements as far as possible and make explicit what seemed too gen-
eral or vague, or not clear, and to distinguish between fact and inter-
pretation. I feel positive, however, so far as any one can feel positive
in such matters, that the introspective observations have not been in-
fluenced in any way, as the main object was to obtain an uninflu-
enced account free from artifact.

While it is difficult to accept as fact such an extensive and
continuous co-conscious life, the only alternative explanation is
more difficult of credence. The truthfulness of the writer is beyond
question. There remains, then, only the hypothesis that all the
memories of this life are dream-like fabrications and hallucinations.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile this interpretation with
numerous facts; among them, that in numerous instances it could
be proved that the claimed memories of B (not possessed by C)
have corresponded accurately with the facts of the environment,*
even when the subject, in one instance, was dreaming and ** walking
in her sleep " (somnambulism); that they included the contents of
automatic writings, of which the subject was unaware, and various
other peculiarities; that the personality is otherwise a clear-headed,
intelligent person capable of close reasoning, and is not subject to
fabrications of memory of any other sort; that the memories were
definite, precise, logical, and could not be broken down under
cross-examination, etc. These memories certainly do not resemble

*Some of these data will be found in the article on the unconscious in
this number.

26 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

fabrications as manifested in certain well-known cases (e.g. those
of Floumoy, Hyslop, Angel, and others).

The facts pertaining to the memories of co-conscious life were
narrated to me, in the course of my study of the case, by B before
the subject had begun the study of the literature, and when, there-
fore, she was ignorant of the theories of the subconscious, multiple
personalities, etc.

It is interesting to note that the introspective observations of
B agree in principle with those in the account given by the co-
conscious personality in the case of Miss Beauchamp. It is also
in harmony with the objective facts observed in numerous pathologi-
cal cases, like that of Miss Winsor, and in artificial dissociations of
which the phenomena of automatic writing are examples. Whatever
interpretation be put upon such an account, the importance of having
an introspective analysis of this kind cannot be questioned.

One other point needs to be explained. Personality C spoken
of in this account is not wholly the same personality as that which
wrote the account in the last number of the Journal referred to
above. To avoid confusion in the reader's mind I have not hitherto
explained that, in the attempt to reintegrate the various dissociated
states, a personality was first obtained and labelled C, which was not
absolutely normal nor a complete integration. It was nearly so,
however, but was unstable and varied in certain details, which
would be confusing to go into here, from the final integrated normal
personality C, who wrote the first account. Later this completely
integrated and stable personality was obtained. The writer, B,
claims to have the same co-conscious life with this apparently normal
stable personality, only she has not the power to influence her, and
therefore cannot " come " voluntarily. She can, however, perform
automatic writing (as many normal persons can), and thus give
evidence of a co-conscious existence. Through hypnosis, too,
the alternating state B can be obtained. Afterward the normal
C becomes integrated again and retains memories of this state as
explained in her account.

Some of the phrases were italicized by myself to make the
points of the writer clearer.

The writer desires it to be known that an opportunity was not
allowed her to polish the style and give it a literary finish. An
attempt was made by her only to weigh and note the facts as
accurately as possible.

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 27

A complete experimental account of this case has been reserved
for future publication.

The Editor.]

[Prefatory note by Dr, J. J. Putnam and Dr. George A, Water-
man: The undersigned, having had the privilege of seeing, on several
occasions, the writer of the following article, and of witnessing the
remarkable transformations of personality which Dr. Prince has
learned to bring about in her at will, desire to add to the very inter-
esting story which she tells a few words of endorsement and appre-
ciation.

In the first place we are convinced that the patient is a truthful
witness, a conscientious observer, an intelligent and right-minded
person. In the next place, we believe that what she describes as
memories were memories and not vaporings or fabrications. The
facts which she gave to us, as " State B," are faithfully transcribed
in this account. As she told them she made on us the impression
of a person narrating her experiences and ready to be cross-ques-
tioned on them. Furtheimore, a number of her statements were
susceptible of verification and were verified by us.

James J. Putnam, M.D.

George A. Waterman, M.D.]

I HAVE been asked to write an account of my alternating
and my co-conscious life, and I have endeavored in
the following pages to present the facts as they seem to
me, but the task has been an extremely difficult one.
The whole paper is, of course, retrospective and introspec-
tive, and it has been quite impossible at times to draw sharp
lines of demarcation between the personalities. No doubt
I may have read into the facts somewhat, and no doubt
my account may be colored more or less by my present
knowledge of abnormal psychology, for I have read a good
deal of the literature and informed myself on the subject
as much as possible. Had I not done so I could not have
written this account at all in any intelligible language — I
should have no vocabulary in which to express myself. I
find great difficulty now in making my meaning at all clear,
for I have no words subtle enough. For example: I am in
great need of a word that will express something in C*s

28 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

mind that is between a picture and a thought, and should be
much obliged to any one who will supply it. I find myself
in much the same position as a stranger in a foreign land —
my words do not convey my meaning. Moreover, this
paper has been written largely at odd times and at long
intervals, and, consequently, is more or less disconnected.
The main facts, however, of memory, though possibly the
description of them may be tinged by what I have read, are,
I am sure, absolutely correct. I suppose everybody's de-
scription of a fact is more or less colored by his general
knowledge. The condition of the mind has been constantly
changing, and what was true of A*s mind was not true of.
the C first obtained, and the mind of the wholly integrated
C is different from either of the other two; so my task, as I
said, has been beset with many difficulties.

I have referred to the different personalities as A, B,
and C, and in describing the system of ideas out of which, it
seems to me, I developed, I have used the term " the B com-
plex." The reader must not confuse the B complex with the
B personality. The B complex was made up of floating
thoughts, impulses, desires, inclinations, of which A was
quite aware, but which had been for years suppressed; or,
at least, she had been endeavoring to suppress them. It
seems to me that the B personality (myself) grew out of
this group of ideas, for in my character as a personality are
all the ideas of the B complex. The two are distinct in
the same sense that the seed is distinct from the flower, if
I may be allowed to use metaphor. The B complex seems to
me to be the seed from which I, the B personality, developed.
I say that the B complex and the B personality are distinct,
yet in referring to the B complex I find myself continually
saying " I *'; it is difficult not to do so. This, I think, must
show the intimate relation between the two. I think of the
B complex and I find I think of it as myself, although I do
not think of A and C as myself, and they do not seem to
be my own personality. You may say that I am C trans-
formed, if you choose, but a thing transformed is not the
same. I am, at any rate, a distinct personality.

GENESIS OF DISSOCIATION

A very long time ago C received an emotional shock

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 29

which it seems to me, as I look at it now, resulted in the
first little cleavage of personality. This emotion was one of
fright and led to rebellion against the conditions of her life,
and formed a small vague complex which persisted in the
sense that it recurred from time to time, though it was always
immediately suppressed. This complex, it seems to me,
was the same, though only slightly developed, as that which
appeared later and is described as complex B. (See below
second period.) In trying to explain this condition, which
it seems to me was the first starting of what ultimately re-
sulted in a division of personality, I will divide the time
into periods and I will call this period I.

Twenty years later she received a great shock in the
sudden illness of her husband. The events of this period
I call period II. This illness was of such a nature that
C knew no complete recovery was possible, and that death
might result at any time. This second shock aroused the
same emotions of fright and rebelliony and seemed to revive
and intensify the old complex. Then came the nervous
strain of sorrow, anxiety, care, and the inability to reconcile
herself to the inevitable. This nervous strain continued
for four years. C's life during this time was given up en-
tirely to the care of her husband; she tried to live up to her
ideal — which was a high one — of duty and responsibility,
and always having the sense of failure, discouragement, and
apprehension. That old complex of rebellious thoughts,
revived for the second time by the shock I have spoken of,
became intensified and more persistent during the four
years following. It was a rebelliony a longing for happiness,
a disinclination to give up the pleasures of life which the
conditions required; and there was a certain determination
to have those pleasures in spite of everything, and this
resulted in a constant struggle between C and this complex.
For the sake of clearness I shall call this the B complex, for,
as I have stated, it seems to me that it later developed into
the co-conscious and alternating personality, B, myself.
C was conscious of these thoughts, but they represented to
her the selfish and weak part of her nature and she tried to
suppress them; tried to put them out of her mind but they

3o My Life as a Dissociated Personality

still persisted, and she was always to a greater or less extent
aware of them. There was no lack of awareness and no
amnesia. As the months and years went on the sorrow and
anxiety of the C group increased, and the conflicting and
rebellion of the B group increased. C was ashamed of the
latter and always tried to suppress such thoughts as they
arose. If during those years anything happy had come to
C the formation of this rebellious complex would, I believe,
have been retarded, perhaps stopped altogether, but nothing
pleasant happened; it was all grief, and everything went
wrong. This B complex, it seems to me, as I have above
stated, was the evolution of that which in the form of re-
bellious thoughts developed in period I.

Finally her husband died away from home, and that
was, to C, the one thing she had felt she could not bear.
She did not recover from the shock and became more and
more nervous, was very much depressed, easily fatigued,
suff^ered constantly from headache, and was possessed by
all sorts of doubts and fears, reproaching herself for things
done and undone. She also overtaxed her strength in
attending to business matters. As she grew more and more
neurasthenicj it seems to me as I look back upon it, the
B complex grew stronger and more dominant^ and with this
increase of strength of this complex, C began to live a life
corresponding to the impulses belonging to it — staying
out of doors entirely — and then there followed much im-
provement in her health. She took long rides on the electric
cars, which she had always previously disliked intensely;
she had always been very much afraid of a canoe, but now
she went canoeing often and enjoyed it. She was surprised
and astonished that she should enjoy these things, as it was
foreign to her natural and previous ideas and inclinations.
There was no change of character, properly speaking, but
she did things she disapproved of and knew at the time
that she disapproved of them. There was a recognition that
she was doing things she would not previously have done,
and she protested to herself, but even this half-protest was
suppressed. She would say to herself, " Why am I doing
these things ? I never cared for them before. Why should
I care for them now ? " The old doubts and fears were at

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 31

this time out of mind. The personality was C, but influenced
and dominated by the B complex of which, of course, she
was perfectly aware. It seems to me that the ideas of the
C complex and the ideas of the B complex occurred con-
currently and simultaneously, so that it could be said that one
was co-conscious with the other. This is the way it seems
to me, but I find it impossible to state positively from re-
trospection that the two complexes were not rapid oscilla-
tions or alternations from instant to instant.

At this time there came to C a third shock of a strongly
emotional nature, giving rise to events which I call period III.
It brought to her the realization of a fact of which she had
been unconscious; she had never thought of the possibility
of such a thing and she was startled, frightened, angry, all
in a flash — and I was there. James, in explaining " Sud-
den Religious Conversion," speaks of a " flowering of the
subconscious," — well, I " flowered," and C disappeared
somewhere; the B complex had become a personality and I
lived a life of my own choosing.* How slowly this complex
gathered form in this case may be seen from the fact that
it was five years from the time of the beginning of her hus-
band's illness before I came as a personality.

Now, when I came as a personality, I felt much younger
than C; my ideas of what constituted pleasure were more
like those of a girl of twenty — as C was when she received
the first shock {period I). But in character, points of
view, tastes, emotions, in everything that goes to make up
personality I was quite diflFerent from anything C had ever
been; also in health. I was strong and vigorous, taking long
walks and feeling no fatigue. I was also very happy. Life
seemed so good to me; everything was so beautiful; the out-
door world looked to me as it does to one who has been for
months shut in through illness. I loved the trees, the sky,
and the wind; but I did not love people. I felt no care or
responsibility — that is why I was so happy. I remained
the only personality for about one month, when there came

*That is, the remainder of the C complex subsided into the " uncon-
scious," where, of course, its experiences were conserved. They could be
recalled as a memory by B. As a system of ideas the B complex had been
" flowering " for five years. (Ed.)

32 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

the fourth emotional shock, ipxodMcmg period I V , It was I,

B, who received this shock and it brought hack C as the
dominant personality but in a somewhat changed condition.
Her mental perturbation was greater, she was more in-
tensely nervous, full of doubts and fears and misgivings.
This state is one which we have called A, for the sake of
clearness, and will be presently described. As to myself
I still continued, in a sense, as the B complex in the same
way as during the time when C lived the life which was in
accordance with my nature and opposed to hers, i.e., the
out of doors life during the latter part of the second period;
only, as a result of the time {period III) when I was the sole
personality (though I did not think of myself as such) and
had lived my own life, I had, it seems to me as I look back
upon it, become more crystallized. There had before
seemed to be a conjoining of two natures, and there was now,
only the second one, myself, was more strongly integrated.

C, or rather A, as I shall call this new phase, had no amnesia
for the preceding period (///), and as before was still per-
fectly aware of the B complex. She was ruled by this com-
plex, as C had before been ruled, and kept right on doing
things in accordance with the impulses of the B complex.
She was something like a somnambulist, I think, partly real-
izing the difference in her conduct, which seemed strange to
her, and unable to help herself. This condition lasted about
a week. Then I came again as a personality — the whole
personality — and stayed a month. Then A came as the
result of another shock, fully awake, and still without
amnesia and filled with amazement, horror, and despair
at what she (I, B,) had been doing, but still dominated by
the B complex, of which she was still aware. These changes
were all caused by emotional shocks connected with the
same subject. As I, B, seem to represent all the lighter,
gayer, and more irresponsible part of Os nature, so A
seemed to represent all the sad, gloomy, and morbid part.
She could hardly believe that she had done a short time
before the things which she remembered perfectly as her
own acts; she saw everything from an entirely different point
of view. All the old doubts and fears returned stronger
than before. The state of vigorous health was gone in a

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 33

twinkling; she was ill, hardly able to sit up; intensely nervous,
unable to eat, sleep, or to put her mind on anything. In this
condition she was strongly dominated by the B complex.
She felt bound to keep promises which I (B) had made
{period I II) 9 though she disapproved of the course of action
it involved. There was no self-consciousness in the B
complex of personality. I did not think of myself as a
different personality until after the development of amnesia
and unawareness in A, but in looking back I realize the fact
that I was a personality long before I knew myself as such
(period III). I came in the first place as a personality by
accident, so to speak, and I became the B complex again
in the same way, but in the mean time I had lived an in-
dependent life, and the B complex was stronger and more
isolated. It was at this time that A was sent to Dr. Prince.

[The following paragraphs in brackets were dictated
by B in hypnosis. Consequently, as will be seen, the writer
in this state remembers her previous hypnoses, which is not
the case when she is awake. — Ed.]

[Shortly after A went to Dr. Prince one important change
took place; she began to have amnesia for the time when I was
in existence as the whole personality. The first time A
had amnesia for me occurred at home after I had come
spontaneously. I do not remember the exact circumstances
of my coming or what brought me. It was in the morning,
and it was raining when the change took place, and I realized
my own personality. I wrote a letter to Dr. Prince and took
it to the office to post it. Just as I dropped it in the box the
change of personality again took place and A came to the
fore to find herself in the post office with no knowledge of
why or how she came there. From that moment A had
complete amnesia for me as an alternating personality and
also was unaware of me as a co-conscious complex. I do not
know what caused the amnesia and unawareness, but Dr.
Prince tells me there was a reason for it which he can ex-
plain."^ I, however, had no amnesia for A as an alternating

'^B had appeared accidentally in hypnosis, i.e., as an hypnotic state.
Of this awake she has no memory. The next time the spontaneous change
form B to A took place the latter had amnesia for B and unawareness for
the B complex. (Ed.)

34 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

personality, which may be due to the fact that I was also
co-conscious with A as well as an alternating personality, r^

A and I (B) alternated frequently for months, A having
amnesia for me, but I remembering A. The change in
personality was caused by any sudden shock, emotion,
fatigue, anxiety.

After C (whose memory was approximately complete
but who was unstable)* was obtained, the three personalities
alternated, A and C having amnesia for me (B) and for
each other, but I had no amnesia, being, as I will presently
explain, co-conscious with both states. As an alternating
personality I (B) remember both states and my own co-
conscious life^ hut not the hypnotic states. When I am co-
conscious (with A and C), however, I remember my own
hypnotic state and A*s, but not C*s hypnotic state.f

There was no change in my (B's) character after I
became an alternating personality except in so far as I was
broadened by my own independent experiences.

In hypnosis I remember that I came as B once but
hypnotized, having changed spontaneously from A, who
was then in hypnosis. After becoming A awake she had no
memory of this, i.e., of me or herself in hypnosis, any more
than I (B) have awake. On the first occasion after this
when A changed to me (B) as above narrated, A was
no longer aware of her rebellious complex, and she had
amnesia for me as an alternating personality.]

CO-CONSCIOUS LIFE

In reading this description of my co-conscious life the
reader must remember that I am not trying to prove any-
thing, as that is obviously impossible. I myself know the
facts to be as stated, but that is not proof for any one else.
I can only state these facts as they seem to me and describe
my co-conscious thoughts as any one would describe their
thoughts by introspection. I can only claim that they are

*This was not the final C but a preliminary one who was not quite
complete. (Ed.)

tBeing in hypnosis now I remember this, but when I wake up as an
alternating personality I lose this part of my co-conscious memory.

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 35

distinct memories; this I know. If any one can interpret
them in any other way I shall be much interested in knowing
how it can be done. My memory of my co-conscious life
is just as sharp and distinct, even more so, than my memory
of my alternating life. I also know that C does not have
these memories. Should this article chance to be read by
some other co-consciousness we may get additional evidence.

I have been asked if it does not seem strange to me
that I should be able to think my own thoughts while C is
thinking hers. It does not, of course, seem strange to me
at all, but I realize now how strange it seems to others.
But how can any one say that there is not in his own mind
a second stream of thought of which he is not conscious ?

Besides an alternating life, then, as I have said, I have
another life which I must describe; namely, that of my sub-
conscious or co-conscious existence. When I am not here
as an alternating personality, my thoughts still continue
during the lives of A and C, although they are not aware
of them. I am co-conscious with both A and C. That is
to say, my mental life continues independently of theirs.
This co-conscious life of mine is a continuation of my alter-
nating life after the change takes place to A or C. I still go
on thinking my own thoughts and retain all the memories
of my life as B, and of my previous co-conscious life. I think
my own thoughts, which are different from theirs, and at
the same time I know their thoughts and what they do.
My co-conscious life is very similar to what my mental life was
before the unawareness developed in A, except for certain
peculiar developments and differences which, it seems to me,
have resulted from this unawareness. Before the unaware-
ness the different complexes existed but as a part of one
personality. Then A was aware of my (B) complex and
resisted it; now she is not aware and cannot. Before the
amnesia there were the same conflicting emotions and
desires, but the division of personality was not complete.
The A complex was aware of the B complex and vice versa^
but until A was weakened by ill health she largely controlled
or inhibited the B complex. After becoming weakened, as
I have said, when A was present she was influenced by the
B complex according to circumstances. On the other hand,

36 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

when the B complex was present it was at this time aware
of the protest of the A complex but was not at the time in-
fluenced by it. A was completely dominated by B, but B
was never influenced by A.

As far as ideas, emotions, and points of view go, I was
as much a personality before the amnesia and unawareness
on A*s part as after, but still I do not speak of myself as an
" I ** at that time, chiefly because I thought nothing about it.
Before amnesia I do not think there were any thoughts in
the B complex of which A was unaware, but there were
many which she did not understand.

After amnesia and unawareness I became a distinct
personality in my own thought because I had a life com-
pletely my own, of which A was unaware. My thoughts,
my experiences, she knew nothing of. The unawareness
removed all inhibition* of my thoughts, and from that
time I can speak of my thoughts as co-conscious, because,
while they ran along with A*s as they had done before, she
was no longer conscious of them. They were the same
kind of thoughts as had occurred in the B complex; the un-
awareness only made them more isolated, separate, compact,
better crystallized, and the fact that A did not know them

fave them greater freedom. Inhibition was removed,
tefore this she inhibited these thoughts. Otherwise the
fact of awareness or unawareness did not make any differ-
ence. I naturally, then, spoke of this group of thoughts
and perceptions as a personality.

With the absence of awareness there was a growth of
the co-conscious experiences, and the fact of alternation
gave me independent experiences, and all this added to and
developed both the co-conscious and alternating lives.
As an alternating personality I retained my co-conscious
memories.f

*This is more specifically expressed in the preliminary notes from
which the final manuscript was written, as follows: " Before this (the
unawareness) I had the same thoughts and inclinations, but A knew them
and rebelled against them. Now when A ceased to be aware of my thoughts
and life they were there all the same, but we speak of them as co-conscious
by the definition. They continued as they had before. The unawareness
only made them more isolated," etc.

fThat is, of course, so far as she knows. As a fact she does not re-
member the hypnotic states, which co-consciously she does. See above. (Ed.)

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 37

When C* was obtained the condition was the same,
only I was less strongly organized co-consciously. I do not
mean in separateness of thought or perceptions, but with C
when first obtained I had less power to influence her, could
not alternate with her by willing, and came less often spon-
taneously, but later this changed somewhat. The fact is
that this C was so unstable that the content of her mind
changed constantly. What was true one day would not be
true another. Later I could at times influence her, as
explained on page 41.

When I am co-conscious I see and hear many things of
which neither A nor C are aware. Whether this is also true
of me as an alternating personality, in comparison with A
and C, I cannot say, for obvious reasons, but I think I do
observe more closely and notice all little things more as a
co-consciousness than when I am a personality.

CONTENT OF THE CO-CONSCIOUSNESS

In attempting to describe by introspection the difference
between my mind and C's I shall have to use some sort of
metaphor, and so will say that there are two streams of
thought, one below the other. The upper one is C and the
lower one is B. These two streams are not of the same
quality. The upper one, C, is more opaque — thicker, less
sensitive to perceptions; an inward flowing stream; brooding,
questioning, very active in itself, but not so quick to take in
outside impressions as the lower one, B. The lower stream,
B, is clearer — crystal clear — and is an outward flowing
stream, open to every perception, lighter, not introspective.
Now nearly everything that happens is perceived by some
part of C's mind — the rustle of a paper, the cracking of a
stick in the fire, the sound of a bird chirping, the smile or
frown on the face of a person whom we meet, the gleam of
their teeth, etc., everything that can be seen or heard is
recorded in her mind whether she is conscious of it or not.
These illustrations are taken from actual occurrences which
I distinctly remember. Now into my stream of conscious-
ness most of these perceptions are absorbed, but C is con-
scious of only the more important ones. For example:

*This was not the final complete C whom she could not influence at
all. See footnote, p. 34. (Ed.)

38 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

Dr. Prince comes into the room and C rises and greets him,
shakes hands and says, " Good morning; ** she is conscious
of nothing but a sense of relief at seeing him, and is thinking
only of the woes she has to tell him; but I perceive things
like this: Dr. Prince's hand is cold; he looks tired or rested;
he is nervous to-day; he has on such and such clothes or
cravat, etc. These perceptions become my thoughts. C
does not take them into her consciousness at all. Later,
if she were asked if she shook hands with Dr. Prince she
might or might not remember it; as to his hand being cold
and all the rest of it, she would not have noticed; if she did
it would be an automatic memory; she had not thought about
it. When Cs mind is concentrated on any one thing, like
reading or studying, it is closed to every other perception.
She does not notice the sounds in the house or out of doors,
but I, being co-conscious, do. I hear the blinds rattle, I
hear the maid moving about the house, I hear the telephone
ring, etc. She hears none of these things. She does not
know that she is tired, and that she ought to stop reading,
but all these things I know and think of. When she stops
reading she becomes conscious that she is tired, but of the
sounds in the house she knows nothing. I have read the
book also, but these other things are added to my stream
of conscious thought. So, you see, I know all C*s thoughts,
and think my own beside. When she is talking with any one
I often disagree with what she says. She does not think
at all the same about many things. I think of replies I would
make quite different from the ones she makes. Then some-
times I do not pay very much attention to her conversation,
though I know all she says, but go on with my own thoughts.
I do not say that every perception is taken into my con-
sciousness, it may not be. Something else may, and evidently
does, perceive things which escape me.

I do not remember everything all the time. I say this
because some seem to think the " subconscious *' is always
conscious of everythingy but that is not so with me. I forget
sometimes, just as C does, but my memory is better than hers,
especially when I am co-conscious. I think this last is so
because when C is dominant, i.e. present, I carf think
my own thoughts undisturbed. I am in a clear, light place

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 39

all my own. I do not have to think " I must do this or
that, I must go here or there," as I must do when I am
the alternating personality; I can just lie dormant, as it
were, as far as physical activity is concerned, and think and
remember.

Often when C is talking to some one, I know that she is
misunderstood, she does not know that they have received a
wrong impression, but I do.

Now when we change, and I, B, am present as an al-
ternating personality, it seems to me that the lower stream
rises and the upper one is submerged, there is only one
train of thought. The two streams are united in the sense
only that I have no amnesia for Os previous stream of
thought, but, of course, when I am the personality there is
no C. I could no more think C*s thoughts than I could
think any other person's thoughts. When the change
takes place I, B, have control of the motor powers. What
causes the change I cannot tell you — a sudden shock does
it, likewise a strong emotion* does it, fatigue, anxiety, depres-
sion, etc. Sometimes C feels the change coming, that is, she
knows from experience that her mood of depression will end
in changing.

SEPARATENESS AND CONTINUITY OF CO-CONSCIOUSNESS

As I retrospect it seems to me that the two streams of
thought are entirely separate even when we are interested
in the same thing. My train of thought may be, and
usually is, quite different from C*s. When C is ill, for
instance, she is thinking about her headache, and how hard
life seems and how glad she will be when it is over, and I
am thinking how tiresome it is to lie in bed when I am
just aching to go for a long tramp or do something gay.
We rarely have the same opinion about any book we are
reading, though we may both like it. C, however, enjoys
some writers whom I find very tiresome, Maeterlinck, for
example. She considers him very inspiring and uplifting^
and I think he writes a lot of nonsense and is extremely
depressing. She enjoys poetry and I do not care for it.
It happens often that when C is desperately unhappy, and
her train of thought is black and despairing, mine is gay

40 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

and happy. My tastes and points of view are just the
same when I am an alternating personality. I have already
given illustrations of separateness when speaking of the
content of my co-conscious life. The two trains of thought
are always going on except when I am the personality.
Then there is but one — my own.

EMOTION

The only emotion that I remember to have experienced
is one of pleasure and happiness. I know nothing of re-
morse, reproach, and despair. I know that C has these
emotions; I know how she feels about everything, that is
to say, I know what she thinks she feels, but I do not myself
experience them. I am sometimes disappointed and some-
times provoked, but never really unhappy.

Emotion seems to me something like mercury. C is
easily affected by the slightest change in her social atmos-
phere. Something happens and her spirits rise, she feels
lighter, stronger, ambitious, and her heart seems to beat
quicker; something else happens and her spirits sink, she
feels heavy and dull and ill and has a return of neurasthenic
symptoms. I never change in that way. I am always the
same, that is, I always feel happy, and that is a very fortunate
thing, for I can't do what I want to half the time. Trivial
things affect C as if they were great things, and she spends
nearly the same amount of emotion over the former as she
would over the latter.

RELATIONS TO A AND C

My relations with the two personalities are not quite
the same. With A I do not feel or taste. If she closes her
eyes I cannot tell whether she is eating meat or candy
unless I know beforehand. With C it is different. I know
when she is touched and I know what she is eating. Should
she be hurt I would feel it but don't think it would cause
me pain. It is the same with her emotions; I know what
they are from her thoughts, but she experiences them.
When she walks my sensation is of being carried, though
I see and hear and know everything and feel the ground
under her feet. As an alternating personality I have no

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 41

pain. I can distinguish between touch and pain, but I do
not suffer from the latter. The only difference is that pain
is unpleasant. With A I do not feel any pain at all, not
even when she has a headache.* Even as the personality
(B) I feel no pain, that is, what A and C think of as pain.
I have nothing but an unpleasant sensation. When I am
tested by pin pricks or pinching I know it is a prick
or a pinch and not a touch, but it does not hurt. I do not
know whether this would be true for severe tests or not, but
I do not feel pain at the dentist's, though A and C suffer
intensely.

ABILITY TO VOLUNTARILY INFLUENCE THE PERSONAL
CONSCIOUSNESS

Voluntarily I can often, not always, make both C and
A do the thing I wish to do or go to the place I wish to go.
I do this by a process of willing. I fix my mind on C's
mind and I say to myself, or rather to C, " you must go out
to walk, it makes no difference whether you want to or not,
you must; your legs feel all twitchy, you can't keep still," etc.,
and then she begins to feel nervous; she gets what she calls
the " merry pranks " in her legs and goes to walk to get them
straightened out. In the same way I make her go to see
the people I like best when she is out paying visits. I think
of the persons I wish to see, and how much I wish to see
them, and C " changes her mind " and goes there. She
sometimes suspects, now that she knows more about me,
that I am influencing her and resists the impulse she feels.
Then we have a struggle in which she sometimes wins.
With A I always came out best, but C is stronger. The
greatest conflict of our wills comes when she tries to go to
the cemetery. She feels it her duty to visit that place, and
over and over again has tried to do so but I will not go there.
She has not been there for more than a year. I set my will
and she sets hers, but I always win. I hold her, by my
will, so that she can't walk in that direction. [A's
account of this incident is given in Part I of this article,
page 19.] This strong willing on my part produces a

♦These differences in the perceptions have been the subject of experi-
mentation. The results will be published in the full account. (Ed.)

42 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

feeling of exhaustion in C; she feels very tired, and that it is
really no matter anyway, and finally gives up her intention
and turns back; she feels as if she were being pulled in two
different ways. Sometimes it is easy to do this and some-
times not. It depends a good deal on the state of her
health and the state of her mind.

Many times I influence her when she does not suspect
it, in making her read the book I wish to read or in making
her go to walk. She considers herself changeable and ner-
vous and wishes she knew her own mind five minutes at
a time. For instance: One day it was raining and she did
not want to go out, but I felt that I could not stay in the
house another minute. So I willed that she should go to
walk and she changed her clothes and went out. She
thought, ** what nonsense this is to go out in this rain. I
wish I knew what I wanted to do five minutes at a time."
She would think, " I guess I will go to walk," and then she
would think, ** No, I don't want to go out in all this rain,"
then in a few minutes, ** I believe I will go to walk," etc.,
and finally she went, more for peace of mind than anything
else.

Over the normal C who now exists I have no power to
influence her voluntarily or involuntarily, directly or in-
directly, so far as I know. There are co-conscious influences
that are received from other parts of her mind, but I am not
writing of these in this account.*

I have made it impossible for A to telephone Dr. Prince.
A was always telephoning him, and I thought it was very
foolish to do so, particularly as it usually resulted in sup-
pressing me as a personality. So when A started toward the
telephone I held her, by my will; she could not go to the
telephone for the purpose of speaking to Dr. Prince. She
did not know that I did it. It seemed to her that while she
wished to speak to him she had better not bother him
after all, and then she would be so blue and depressed that
I would " come."

Sometimes after hypnosis the first unstable C to whom
I am referring could remember, in a way, some of my acts.f

♦Investigation has shown other co-conscious phenomena and influence
distinct from those of the B complex. An account of this is reserved. (Ed.)
fThese memories were brought back by suggestion. (Ed.)

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 43

The memories were in the form of visual pictures, and it al-
ways seemed to me that she remembered only the things that
Dr. Prince knew about himself. I, in the alternating state,
was thinking of this one night after I had gone to bed and
wondered whether, if I should hide A's watch and rings. Dr.
Prince could make C remember it — not knowing it himself. I
felt too lazy, however, to get up and hide them, but in the
morning they were gone. I knew where they were, for I re-
membered she got up in her sleep and hid them in a cufF box
where they were found by her sister. Then another night
whenlwas co-cons ciousyl wondered ifl could hy willingm^kt
A get up in her sleep and do the same thing. So I willed that
she should get up in her sleep and hide her watch and rings
that night. I did not designate any place. She did it
or at least in the morning they were gone and could not be
found for some time, until Dr. Prince discovered that they
had been hidden in her sleep under some cushions on the
landing of the stairs.*

When A is present I can " come '' voluntarily by
willing, i.e., blot A out and then I " come.'' When C is
present it is more difficult, but I can sometimes do it, i.e.,
when she is excited or depressed or upset in any way, physi-
cally or mentally. I can always do it with A except when she
has a bad headache. This seems paradoxical, because with
this exception when she is in poor health I can come more
easily. Usually for a few days after A had had suggestion
from Dr. Prince I did not " come.'' I don't know whether
I could not or did not feel like trying. By willing I mean
I would say to A — " Get away," " Go away," " Get out of
the way," " Let me come," ** I will come," and then A
disappeared. She was gone and I was there. It was
almost instantaneous. With C I had to make a different
effort. I had to think more about it when I wanted to
come; that I must be the personality because of the things
I wanted to do; that I must come; that I would come. It
sometimes took a minute or two to get rid of C. Her
thoughts stopped. I don't know what became of them.
The times, however, when I came by willing were com-
paratively few compared with the times when I came

*This was done through hypnosis. The articles were found as re-
membered in hypnosis. (Ed.)

44 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

spontaneously, but there were many times. Sometimes the
wish to change would blot out A without actual willing.
Example: There was a dinner party to which I was very
anxious to go, and while A was dressing she decided she
would not go and started to cross the room to take up the
telephone to say she would not be there, and I wanted
to go so much that she lost herself before she reached the
telephone. My thoughts were, *' I want to go," " You must
go,'' but not, *' I must come," etc.

INVOLUNTARILY INFLUENCING THE PERSONAL
CONSCIOUSNESS

Ordinarily the two streams of thought run on side
by side without interfering with each other. C may be
reading or studying something that interests us both, and
our minds are occupied in the same way. I am contented
and all goes well. At other times C may be reading and I
may not be interested. I may not like the book or may
want to do something else. I feel restless and dissatisfied,
and soon C begins to feel the same. She can't fix her mind
on what she is reading, puts down the book, goes to the
piano but can't play, starts a letter but does not finish it,
etc. This is what I call an involuntary influence. In this
case I do not have the power to " come " or to make C do
the thing I want to do, in fact, perhaps I do not know
what I want to do myself, but my state of mind makes her
nervous and upset. As an example of involuntary influence
I will take the following incident, as it is fresh in my mem-
ory. A few days ago Dr. Putnam kindly allowed C to see
a patient of his who is suffering from a form of hysteria.
She could not put her feet down flat on the floor, but turned
her toes up and tried to walk on her heels and the sides of
her feet, and as she walked she trembled all over and breathed
irregularly.* I was much interested in the matter, and after
we got home kept wondering how the girl managed to walk
that way — it seemed so difficult. There was in my mind
a picture of the girl with her toes turned up, trembling and
breathing hard; I was imagining how it would seem to walk
that way and to tremble all over, etc. I was not paying

*This was a case of hysterical astasia-abasia of a peculiar type. (Ed.)

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 45

any attention to C's train of thought, being absorbed in
my own, and did not consider at all how my thoughts
might affect her until I became aware that she was trembling
from head to foot, that her toes were all curled up, and that
she could hardly keep her feet flat on the floor. She was in
great distress of mind, as she thought her condition was
caused by her extreme suggestibility, and that she must
be very ill to be so easily aflFected. She was so much dis-
turbed that she telephoned Dr. Prince, asking him to help her
to steady herself. I did not intend to produce such an effect.
It would seem plain that my train of thought influenced her.

At another time C was asked to go for a long automobile
ride and dine in the country, coming home in the evening.
I was very anxious to go, but I had promised Dr. Prince not
to interfere with C. I did not try to " come," but I could not
help wanting to go, and I thought to myself, " OI I wish
she would go." C declined at first, as I knew she would,
but as my longing increased she began to waver, hesitated,
and finally said she would go. She felt that she ought not
to go, that it was better not to accept such invitations, and
hardly knew why she should have changed her mind.
She felt provoked with herself about it, but as she changed
to me as an alternating personality soon after we started,
it was all right.

C once had a visual hallucination of Dr. Prince, because
I was thinking of him. She was thinking of entirely different
matters, but I was thinking that if it were not for Dr. Prince
I might, perhaps, stay all the time, and was wondering why
it was that I did not go away somewhere; why it was that I
felt bound to keep C's appointments with him, etc. As
I was thinking all this C suddenly saw Dr. Prince standing
before her. He was so real that she spoke his name, saying,
** Why, Dr. Prince! " She was not asleep, but was lying
in bed looking at the fire when she had this hallucination.
She knew it was a vision, but it was very distinct.

I one day wrote something in the diary, which has been
kept by all of us, which A did not understand, and she took
the book to Dr. Prince. I did not care to have him read
what I wrote in my diary, and so that night I wrote a note to
A, saying that I was going to put the diary where she could

46 My Life as a Dissociated Personality

not find it and that she should never see it again. I did not,
however, do so, but left it in the drawer where it was always
kept. A found this note from me in the morning and went
at once to see if the diary was gone. It was right there, but
'she could not see it; she took it in her hand several times in
searching through the drawer but could not see it and did not
do so for a week or more. When she did see it she could not
understand how it came to be there and thought I must have
** come '' in the night and put it back. She wrote it so in the
diary at the time. A writes, Sept. 19, 1907: ** It is the
strangest thing about this diary. I have not been able
to find it for a week or more and I know it was not in that
drawer last night, but I have been myself all day and how
could B have put it back again .? I cannot understand it
at all — perhaps she came in the night.'' A had seen Dr.
Prince that day and I suppose that is why she could see the
diary when she came home.

DREAMS

Though C does not remember her dreams when she is
awake she feels their influence, especially if it is a depressing
one. She dreamed a few nights ago of a very distressing
event which really occurred several years ago, and which
gave her an intense emotional shock. In the dream she lived
over again all the emotion she experienced at the time, all
the feeling of horror, sorrow, fear, and self-reproach; also
the physical sensation of nausea and headache which followed
the shock. When she woke she had no remembrance of
her dream, but she felt the depression, the headache, and
the nausea.

Last night she had a dream which affected her in the
same way. She dreamed she was standing on the top of a
very high mountain where she could see all the country
for miles around. She was alone and the wind was blowing
her hair and dress. It was at sunset, and the sky was filled
with clouds which took various shapes and were colored by
the setting sun. The upper part of the sky was filled with
pictures which were framed in small white clouds touched
with gold on the edges where they curled over. Some were
landscapes, some were portraits. One portrait was of her

My Life as a Dissociated Personality 47

mother, very, very beautiful — and all were in colors. Be-
low these pictures were flowers of every kind and description
— rose gardens, old-fashioned gardens, wreaths, single
flowers — a perfect mass of color. Above all this there was
one cloud which had no color and no particular shape, but
which attracted her attention more than the rest; she was
fascinated by it and watched it. The sun went down and
all the pictures vanished, but this one cloud remained and

took the shape of a man — Mr. (her husband). She

reached her hands to him and said, ** Oh, speak to me,"
but he looked at her very sorrowfully and turned away.
Then she had that same feeling of nausea, headache, and
weariness, and covered her eyes. When she looked again
it was not her husband, but Dr. Prince, and she called to
him and said, " Dr. Prince, \i you do not speak to me I shall
throw myself down the mountain,'' and Dr. Prince stretched
out his hand and looked very funny, and he said : ** If all the
world were apple pie and all the sea were ink, what would
we do for cocktails.'' And C said, ** Dr. Prince, you are
perfectly horrid." Then she woke up, but she felt ill, just as
she did in the dream, and when she saw Dr. Prince that morn-
ing she told him she felt very ill. Now all that C* remembers
of that dream is of standing on the mountain with the wind
blowing her hair and dress, and of seeing her husband and
Dr. Prince. She does not remember anything else. I
was awake when she dreamed this dream, for I know what
was going on in the house and C does not. She did not hear
the maid go downstairs or any of the sounds in the house.
Her dreams are usually depressing though occasionally
they are amusing. C sometimes remembers the main
features of her dreams but none of the details.f

*This is correct. (C.)

tC has been examined on numerous occasions for memory of dreams,
and it has been found that she rarely remembers them, though they are
recovered in hypnosis. The persistence of headache, nausea, and de-
pression following a dream has been frequently noted and removed by a
simple suggestion. (Ed.)

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