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The  Old,  Old,  very  Old  Man,  or  Thomas  Parr,  the 
Son  of  John  Parr  ofW inning  ton,  in  the  Parish  of  Al- 
berbury,  in  the  County  of  Shropshire ;  who  was  borne 
in  the  yeare  1483,  in,  ttie  Raigne  of  King  Edward  the 
4th,  beii.g  Aged,  152  Yeares  and  odd  Monthcs, 
in  this  y  care,  1635. 


The 


Old   Man: 

OR, 

The    Age   and     long    Life    of     Thomas    Par, 

the  Son  of  John  Parr  of  Winnington,  in  the 

Parish   of   Alberbury  ;    in    the    County  of 

Salopp  (or  Shropshire]  who  was  Borne  in 

the  Raigne  of  King  Edward  the  4th.  be- 

ing  aged    152.    yeares    and   odd 

Monethes. 

His    Manner   of    Life    and   Conversation 

in  so  long  a  Pilgrimage  ;  his  Marriages, 

and  his  bringing  up  to  London  about 

the  end  of  September  last.  1635. 

Whereunto    is    Added   a    Postscript,    showing 

the   many   remarkable   Accidents    that 

hapned  in  the  Life  of  this  Old  Man. 


Written    by    IOHN    TAYLOR. 


LONDON, 

Printed   for  Henry   Goffon,   at  his   Shop  on 

London  Bridge ,  neere  to  the  Gate. 

1635 


TO 

THE    HIGH    AND    MIGHTY  PRINCE, 

CHARLES,      By     the     Grace     of     God, 

King   of  great    Britain,    France,   and 

Ireland,  Defender  of  the  Faith,  &c. 

|^  Subjects  (my  dread  Liege)  'tis  manifest, 
You  have  the  oldst,  the  greatest,  and  the 

least : 

That  for  an  Old,1  a  Great?  and  Little  man? 
No  kingdom  (sure)  compare  with  Britain  can ; 
One,  for  his  extraordinary  stature, 
Guards  well  your  gates,  and  by  instinct  of  Nature 
(As  he  is  strong),  is  Loyal,  True,  and  Just, 
Fit,  and  most  able,  for  his  Charge  and  Trust. 
The  other  s  small  and  well  composed  feature 
Deserves  the  Title  of  a  Pretty  Creature : 
And  doth  (or  may)  retain  as  good  a  mind 
As  Greater  men,  and  be  as  well  inclined. 
He  may  be  great  in  spirit,  though  small  in  sight, 
Whilst  all  his  best  of  service,  is  Delight. 
The  Oldst,  your  Subject  is ;  but  for  my  use, 

'Old  Parr.  "William  Evans,  "Sir  Jeffery  Hudson. 

2019868 


vi  THE  EPISTLE. 

/  make  him  here,  the  Siibject  of  my  Muse : 
And  as  his  Aged  Person  gaind  the  grace, 
That  where  his  Sovereign  was,  to  be  in  place, 
And  kiss  your  Royal  Hand;  I  humbly  crave, 
His  Lives  Description  may  Acceptance  have. 
And  us  your  Majesty  hath  oft  before 
LooKd  on  my  Poems  ;  Pray  read  this  one  more. 


Your  Majesties 

most 

Humble  Subject 
and 
Servant, 

JOHN  TAYLOR. 


THE     OCCASION     OF 

this   Old  Man's  being   brought  out 
of  Shropshire  to  LONDON. 


S  it  is  impossible  for  the  Sun  to  be  without 
light,  or  fire  to  have  no  heat  ;  so  is  it 
undeniable  that  true  Honour  is  as  inse- 
parably addicted  to  Virtue,  as  the  Steel 
to  the  Load-stone ;  and  without  great 
violence  neither  the  one  or  the  other  can  be 
sundered.  Which  manifestly  appears,  in  the  convey- 
ing out  of  the  Country,  of  this  poor  ancient  Man  ; 
Monument  I  may  say,  and  almost  Miracle  of  Nature. 
For  the  Right  Honorable,  Thomas  Earl  of 
Arundel  and  Surrey,  Earl  Marshal  of  England,  &c. 
being  lately  in  Shropshire  to  visit  some  Lands  and 
Manors  which  his  Lordship  holds  in  that  County,  or, 
for  some  other  occasions  of  Importance,  which 
caused  his  Lordship  to  be  there.  The  Report  of 
this  Aged  Man  was  certified  to  his  Honour ;  who 
hearing  of  so  remarkable  a  Piece  of  Antiquity,  his 
Lordship  was  pleased  to  see  him,  and  in  his  Innated 
Noble  and  Christian  Piety,  he  took  him  into  his 


2  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  :    OR 

charitable  tuition  and  protection  ;  Commanding  that 
a  Litter  and  two  Horses  (for  the  more  easy  carriage 
of  a  man  so  enfeebled  and  worn  with  Age)  to  be 
provided  for  him  ;  Also,  that  a  Daughter-in-Law  of 
his  (named  Lucy]  should  likewise  attend  him,  and 
have  a  Horse  for  her  own  riding  with  him  ;  And  (to 
cheer  up  the  Old  Man,  and  make  him  merry)  there 
was  an  Antique-fac'd-fellow,  called  Jack  or  John 
the  Fool,  with  a  high  and  mighty  no  Beard,  that  had 
also  a  Horse  for  his  carriage.  These  all  were  to  be 
brought  out  of  the  Country  to  London,  by  easy 
Journeys  ;  the  Charges  being  allowed  by  his  Lord- 
ship, and  likewise  one  of  his  Honours  own  Servants, 
named  Bryan  Kelly,  to  ride  on  horseback  with  them, 
and  to  attend  and  defray  all  manner  of  Reckonings 
and  Expenses;  all  which  was  done  accordingly,  as 
followeth. 

Wilmington  is  a  Hamlet  in  the  Parish  of  Alber- 
bury,  near  a  place  called  the  Welsh  Pool,  eight  miles 
from  Shrewsbury,  from  whence  he  was  carried  to 
Wim,  a  Town  of  the  Earls  aforesaid  ;  and  the  next 
day  to  Shefnall  (a  Manor  House  of  his  Lordship) 
where  they  likewise  staid  one  night ;  from  Shefnall 
they  came  to  Wolverhampton,  and  the  next  day  to 
Brimicham®  from  thence  to  Coventry;  and  although 
Master  Kelly  had  much  to  do  to  keep  the  people 
off  that  pressed  upon  him  in  all  places  where  he 

'Birmingham, 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  3 

came,  yet  at  Coventry  he  was  most  oppressed :  for  they 
came  in  such  multitudes  to  see  the  Old  Man,  that 
those  that  defended  him,  were  almost  quite  tired 
and  spent,  and  the  aged  man  in  danger  to  have  been 
stifled  ;  and  in  a  word,  the  rabble  were  so  unruly 
that  Bryan  was  in  doubt  he  should  bring  his  charge 
no  further  ;  (so  greedy  are  the  vulgar  to  hearken  to, 
or  gaze  after  novelties.)  The  trouble  being  over, 
the  next  day  they  passed  to  Daventry,  to  Stony 
Stratford,  to  Redburn,  and  so  to  London,  where  he 
is  well  entertain'd  and  accommodated  with  all  things, 
having  all  the  aforesaid  attendants,  at  the  sole  charge 
and  cost  of  his  lordship. 

One  remarkable  passage  of  the  Old  Mans  policy 
must  not  be  omitted  or  forgotten,  which  is  thus. 

His  three  leases  of  63.  years  being  expired,  he 
took  his  last  lease  of  his  landlord  (one  Master  John 
Porter]  for  his  life,  with  which  lease,  he  hath  lived 
more  than  50  years  (as  is  further  hereafter  declared;) 
but  this  Old  Man  would  (for  his  wife's  sake)  renew 
his  lease  for  years,  which  his  landlord  would  not 
consent  unto ;  wherefore  old  Parr,  (having  been 
long  blind)  sitting  in  his  chair  by  the  fire,  his  wife 
look'd  out  of  the  window,  and  perceiv'd  Master 
Edward  Porter,  the  son  of  his  landlord,  to  come 
towards  their  house,  which  she  told  her  husband, 
saying,  Husband,  our  young  landlord  is  coming 
hither:  Is  he  so,  said  old  Parr-  I  prithee  wife 


4  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  :   OR 

lay  a  pin  on  the  ground  near  my  foot,  or  at  my  right 
toe ;  which,  she  did ;  and  when  young  Master 
Porter  (yet  forty  years  old)  was  come  into  the  house, 
after  salutations  between  them,  the  Old  Man  said, 
Wife,  is  not  that  a  Pin  which  lies  at  my  foot  ?  Truly 
husband,  quoth  she,  it  is  a  pin  indeed,  so  she  took 
up  the  Pin,  and  Master  Porter  was  half  in  a  maze 
that  the  Old  Man  had  recovered  his  sight  again  ;  but 
it  was  quickly  found  to  be  a  witty  conceit,  thereby 
to  have  them  to  suppose  him  to  be  more  lively  than 
he  was,  because  he  hop'd  to  have  his  lease  renew'd 
for  his  wife's  sake,  as  aforesaid. 

He  hath  had  two  children  by  his  first  wife,  a 
son  and  a  daughter,  the  boys  name  was  John,  and 
lived  but  ten  weeks ;  the  girl  was  named  Joan,  and 
she  lived  but  three  weeks.  So  that  it  appears  he 
hath  out-lived  the  most  part  of  the  people  that  are 
living  near  there,  three  times  over. 


THE    VERY    OLD    MAN: 

OR, 

The  Life   of   Thomas  Parr. 

IN    Old  man's  twice  a  child    (the  proverb 

says) 
And  many  old  men  ne'er  saw  half  his 

days 

Of  whom  I  write ;  for  he  at  first  had  life, 
When  York  and  Lancasters  Domestic  strife 
In  her  own  blood  had  factious  England  drench'd, 
Until  sweet  Peace  those  civil  flames  had  quench'd. 
When  as  fourth  Edwards  reign  to  end  drew  nigh, 
John  Parr  (a  man  that  liv'd  by  Husbandry) 
Begot  this  Thomas  Parr,  and  born  was  He 
The  year  of  fourteen  hundred  eighty  three. 
And  as  his  Fathers  Living  and  his  Trade, 
Was    Plough,    and  Cart,  Scythe,  Sickle,    Bill,    and 

Spade ; 
The    Harrow,     Mattock,     Flail,    Rake,   Fork,  and 

Goad, 
And  Whip,  and  how  to  load,  and  to  Unload  ; 


6  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  :    OR 

Old  Tom  hath  shew'd  himself  the  Son  of  John, 
And  from  his  Fathers  function  hath  not  gone. 

Yet  I  have  read  of  as  mean  Pedigrees, 
That  have  attain'd  to  Noble  dignities  : 
Agathocles,  a  Potters  Son,  and  yet 
The  Kingdom  of  Sicily  he  did  get. 
Great  Tamberlane,  a  Scythian  Shepherd  was, 
Yet  (in  his  time)  all  Princes  did  surpass. 
First  Ptolomy  (the  King  of  Egypts  land) 
A  poor  mans  Son  of  Alexanders  Band. 
Dioclesian,  Emperor,  was  a  Scriveners  Son, 
And  Probus  from  a  Gard'ner  th' Empire  won. 
Pertinax  was  a  Bondman s  Son,  and  wan 
The  Empire  ;  So  did  Valentinian, 
Who  was  the  off-spring  of  a  Rope-maker, 
And  Maximinus  of  a  Mule-driver. 
And  if  I  on  the  truth  do  righly  glance, 
Hugh  Capet  was  a  Butcher,  King  of  France. 
By  this  I  have  digressed,  I  have  expressed 
Promotion  comes  not  from  the  East  or  West. 

So  much  for  that,  now  to  my  Theme  again  : 
This  Thomas  Parr  hath  liv'd  th'expired  reign 
Of  ten  great  Kings  and  Queens,  th'eleventh  now 

sways 

The  Sceptre,  (blest  by  th'ancient  of  all  days) 
He  hath  surviv'd  the  Edwards,  fourth  and  fifth ; 
And  the  third  Richard,  who  made  many  a  shift 
To  place  the  Crown  on  his  Ambitious  head  ; 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  7 

The  seventh  and  eight  brave  Henries  both  are  dead, 

Sixth  Edward,  Mary,  Philip,  Elizabeth, 

And  blest  remembred  James,  all  these  by  death 

Have  changed  life,  and  almost  'leven  years  since 

The  happy  reign  of  Charles  our  gracious  Prince, 

Tom  Parr  hath  liv'd,  as  by  Record  appears 

Nine  months,  one  hundred  fifty,  and  two  years. 

Amongst  the  learn'd,  'tis  held  in  general 

That  every  seventh  year's  climaterical, 

And  dang'rous  to  mans  life,  and  that  they  be 

Most  perilous  at  th'Age  of  sixty  three, 

Which  is,  nine  climactericals ;  but  this  Man 

Of  whom  I  write,  (since  first  his  life  began) 

Hath  liv'd  of  climactericals  such  plenty, 

That  he  hath  almost  out-lived  two  and  twenty. 

For  by  Records,  and  true  Certificate, 

From  Shropshire  late,  Relations  doth  relate, 

That  He  liv'd  17  years  with  John  his  Father, 

And  1 8  with  a  Master,  which  I  gather 

To  be  full  thirty  five  ;  his  Sires  decease 

Left  him  four  years  Possession  of  a  Lease ; 

Which  past,  Lewis  Porter  Gentleman,  did  then 

For  twenty  one  years  grant  his  Lease  agen  : 

That  Lease  expir'd,  the  Son  of  Lewis  called  John, 

Let  him  the  like  Lease,  and  that  time  being  gone, 

Then  Hitgh,  the  Son  of  John,  (last  nam'd  before) 

For  one  and  twenty  years  sold  one  lease  more. 

And  lastly,  he  hath  held  from  John,  Hiiglis  Son, 


8  THE  VERY  OLD  MAX  :    OR 

A  lease  for's  life  these  fifty  years,  out-run  : 
And  till  old  Thomas  Parr,  to  Earth  again 
Return,  the  last  lease  must  his  own  remain. 
Thus  having  shew'd  th'extention  of  his  Age, 
I'll  shew  some  Actions  of  his  Pilgrimage. 

A  tedious  time  a  Bachelor  he  tarried, 
Full  eighty  years  of  age  before  he  married  : 
His  continence,  to  question  I'll  not  call, 
Mans  frailty's  weak,  and  oft  doth  slip  and  fall. 
No  doubt  but  he  in  four  score  years  might  find 
In  Salop's  County,  females  fair  and  kind  : 
But  what  have  I  to  do  with  that ;  let  pass, 
At  th'  age  aforesaid  he  first  married  was 
To  Jane,  John  Taylor  s  daughter  ;  and  'tis  said, 
That  she  (before  he  had  her)  was  a  maid. 
With  her  he  liv'd  years  three  times  ten  and  two, 
And  then  she  died,  (as  all  good  wives  will  do.) 
She  dead,  he  ten  years  did  a  widower  stay  ; 
Then  once  more  ventured  in  the  wedlock  way  : 
And  in  affection  to  his  first  wife  Jane, 
He  took  another  of  that  name  again  ; 
(With  whom  he  now  doth  live)  she  was  a  widow 
To  one  nam'd  Anthony  (and  surnam'd  Adda) 
She  was  (as  by  report  it  doth  appear) 
Of  Gilsells  Parish,  in  Mongomry -shire, 
The  Daughter  of  John  Lloyd  (corruptly  Flood) 
Of  ancient  house,  and  gentle  Cambrian  Blood. 

But  hold,  I  had  forgot,  in's  first  wife's  time, 
He  frailly,  foully,  fell  into  a  Crime, 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  9 

Which  richer,  poorer,  older  men,  and  younger, 

More  base,  more  noble,  weaker  men,  and  stronger 

Have  fallen  into. 

The  Cytherean,  or  the  Paphaan  game, 

That  thundering  Jupiter  did  oft  inflame  ; 

Most  cruel  cut-throat  Mars  laid  by  his  Arms, 

And  was  a  slave  to  Loves  enchanting  charms, 

And  many  a  Pagan  god,  and  semi-god, 

The  common  road  of  lustful  love  hath  trod  : 

For  from  the  Emperor  to  the  russet  clown, 

All  states,  each  sex,  from  cottage  to  the  Crown, 

Have  in  all  Ages  since  the  first  Creation, 

Been  foiled,  and  overthrown  with  Loves  temptation  : 

So  was  old  Thomas,  for  he  chanc'd  to  spy 

A  Beauty,  and  Love  entered  at  his  eye, 

Whose  pow'rful  motion  drew  on  sweet  consent, 

Consent  drew  Action,  Action  drew  Content, 

But  when  the  period  of  those  joys  were  passed, 

Those  sweet  delights  were  sourly  saucM  at  last. 

The  flesh  retains,  what  in  the  Bone  is  bred, 

And  one  Colts  tooth  was  then  in  old  Toms  head, 

It  may  be  he  was  gull'd  as  some  have  been, 

And  suffered  punishment  for  others  sin  ; 

For  pleasures  like  a  Trap,  a  grin,  or  snare, 

Or  (like  a  painted  harlot)  seems  most  fair  ; 

But  when  she  goes  away,  and  takes  her  leave, 

No  ugly  Beast  so  foul  a  shape  can  have. 

Fair  Katherine  Milton,  was  this  Beauty  bright, 


io  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  :    OR 

(Fair  like  an  Angel,  but  in  weight  too  light) 

Whose  fervent  feature  did  inflame  so  far 

The  Ardent  fervour  of  old  Thomas  Parr, 

That  for  Laws  satisfaction,  'twas  thought  meet, 

He  should  be  purg'd,  by  standing  in  a  Sheet, 

Which  aged  (He)  one  hundred  and  five  year, 

In  Alberbiirys  Parish  Church  did  wear. 

Should  All  that  so  offend,  such  Penance  do, 

Oh,  what  a  price  would  Linen  rise  unto, 

All  would  be  turn'd  to  sheets,  our  shirts  and  smocks 

Our  Table  linen,  very  Porters  Frocks 

Would  hardly  'scape  trans-forming,  but  all's  one, 

He  suffered,  and  his  Punishment  is  done. 

But  to  proceed,  more  serious  in  relation, 
He  is  a  Wonder,  worthy  Admiration, 
He's  (in  these  times  fill'd  with  Iniquity) 
No  Antiquary,  but  Antiquity ; 
For  his  Longevity's  of  such  extent, 
That  he's  a  living  mortal  Monument. 
And  as  high  Towers,  (that  seem  the  sky  to  shoulder) 
By  eating  time,  consume  away,  and  moulder, 
Until  at  last  in  piece  meal  they  do  fall ; 
Till  they  are  buried  in  their  Ruins  All : 
So  this  Old  Man,  his  limbs  their  strength  have  left, 
His  teeth  all  gone,  (but  one)  his  sight  bereft, 
His  sinews  shrunk,  his  blood  most  chill  and  cold, 
Small  solace,  Imperfections  manifold: 
Yet  still  his  sp'rits  possess  his  mortal  Trunk; 


THE  LIFE  OR  THOMAS  PARR.  n 

Nor  are  his  senses  in  his  ruins  shrunk, 

But  that  his  Hearing's  quick,  his  stomach  good, 

He'll  feed  well,  sleep  well,  well  digest  his  food. 

He  will  speak  heartily,  laugh,  and  be  merry; 

Drink  Ale,  and  now  and  then  a  cup  a  Sherry; 

Loves  Company,  and  Understanding  talk, 

And  (on  both  sides  held  up)  will  sometimes  walk. 

And  though  old  Age  his  face  with  wrinkles  fill, 

He  hath  been  handsome,  and  is  comely  still, 

Well  fac'd  ;  and  though  his  Beard  not  oft  corrected, 

Yet  neat  it  grows,  not  like  a  Beard  neglected ; 

From  head  to  heel,  his  body  hath  all  over, 

A  Quick-set,  Thick-set  nat'ral  hairy  cover. 

And  thus  (as  my  dull  weak  Invention  can) 

I  have  Anatomiz'd  this  poor  Old  Man. 

Though  Age  be  incident  to  most  transgressing, 
Yet  Time  well  spent,  makes  Age  to  be  a  blessing. 
And  if  our  studies  would  but  deign  to  look, 
And  seriously  to  ponder  Natures  Book, 
We  there  may  read,  that  Man,  the  noblest  Creature, 
By  riot  and  excess  doth  murder  Nature. 
This  man  ne'er  fed  on  dear  compounded  dishes, 
Of  Metamorphos'd  beasts,  fruits,  fowls,  and  fishes, 
The  earth,  the  air,  the  boundless  Ocean 
Were  never  rak'd  nor  forag'd  for  this  Man  ; 
Nor  ever  did  Physician  to  (his  cost) 
Send  purging  Physic  through  his  guts  in  post ; 
In  all  his  life  time  he  was  never  known, 

B 


1 2  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  :    OR 

That  drinking  others  healths,  he  lost  his  own  ; 
The  Dutch,  the  French,   the   Greek,    and   Spanish 

Grape, 

Upon  his  reason  never  made  a  rape  ; 
For  Ryot,  is  for  Troy,  an  anagram  ; 
And  Ryot,  wasted  Troy,  with  sword  and  flame  : 
And  surely  that  which  will  a  kingdom  spill, 
Hath  much  more  power  one  silly  man  to  kill, 
Whilst  sensuality  the  palate  pleases, 
The  body's  filled  with  surfeits,  and  diseases  ; 
By  riot  (more  than  war)  men  slaughtered  be, 
From  which  confusion  this  old  man  is  free. 
He  once  was  catched  in  the  venereal  sin, 
And  (being  punished)  did  experience  win, 
That  careful  fear  his  Conscience  so  did  strike, 
He  never  would  again  attempt  the  like. 
Which  to  our  understandings  may  express 
Mens  days  are  shortened  through  lasciviousness, 
And  that  a  competent  contenting  diet 
Makes  men  live  long,  and  soundly  sleep  in  quiet. 
Mistake  me  not,  I  speak  not  to  debar 
Good  fare  of  all  sorts  ;  for  all  Creatures  are 
Made  for  mans  use,  and  may  by  Man  be  us'd, 
Not  by  voracious  Gluttony  abus'd. 
For  he  that  dares  to  scandal  or  deprave 
Good  house-keeping  ;  Oh  hang  up  such  a  knave, 
Rather  commend  (what  is  not  to  be  found) 
Than  injure  that  which  makes  the  world  renowned. 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  13 

Bounty  hath  got  a  spice  of  Lethargy, 

And  liberal  noble  Hospitality 

Lies  in  consumption,  almost  pin'd  to  death, 

And  Charity  benum'd,  near  out  of  Breath. 

May  Englands  few  good  house-keepers  be  blest 

With  endless  glory,  and  eternal  Rest ; 

And  may  their  goods,  lands,  and  their  happy  seed 

With  heav'ns  blest  blessings  multiply  and  breed. 

'Tis  madness  to  build  high  with  stone  and  lime, 

Great  houses,  that  may  seem  the  clouds  to  climb, 

With  spacious  halls,  large  galleries,  brave  rooms 

Fit  to  receive  a  King,  Peers,  Squires,  and  grooms 

Amongst  which  rooms,  the  devil  hath  put  a  witch  in, 

And  made  a  small  Tobacco-box  the  Kitchen  ; 

For  Covetousness  the  Mint  of  Mischief  is, 

And  Christian  Bounty  the  Highway  to  Bliss. 

To  wear  a  farm  in  shoe-strings  edged  with  gold, 

And  spangled  'Garters  worth  a  Copy  hold  : 

A  hose  and  doublet ;  which  a  Lordship  cost, 

A  gaudy  cloak  (three  Manors  price  almost) 

A  Beaver,  Band,  and  Feather  for  the  head, 

(Priz'd  at  the  Churches  tythe,  the  poor  mans  bread) 

For  which  the  Wearers  are  fear'd,  and  abhorr'd 

Like  Jeroboams  golden  Calves  ador'd. 

This  double,  treble  aged  man,  I  wot, 
Knows  and  remembers  when  these  things  were  not ; 
Good  wholesome  labour  was  his  exercise, 
Down  with  the  Lamb,  and  with  the  Lark  would  rise, 


14  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN;  OR 

In  mire  and  toiling  sweat  he  spent  the  day, 

And  (to  his  team)  he  whistled  time  away  : 

The  Cock  his  night- Gfo/£,  and  till  day  was  done, 

His  Watch,  and  chief  Sun- Dial,  was  the  Sun. 

He  was  of  old  Pythagoras  opinion, 

That  green  cheese  was  most  wholesome  (with  an 

onion) 

Course  Meslin1  bread,  and  for  his  daily  swig, 
Milk,  Butter-milk,  and  Water,  Whey,  and  Whig ; 
Sometimes  Metheglin2,  and  by  fortune  happy, 
He  sometimes  sipp'd  a  Cup  of  Ale  most  nappy, 
Cider,  or  Perry,  when  he  did  repair 
T'a  Whitsun  Ale,  Wake,  Wedding,  or  a  Fair, 
Or  when  in  Christmas  time  he  was  a  Guest 
At  his  good  Land-lords  house  amongst  the  rest : 
Else  he  had  little  leisure  time  to  waste, 
Or  (at  the  alehouse)  huff-cap  Ale  to  taste. 
Nor  did  he  ever  hunt  a  Tavern  Fox, 
Ne'er  knew  a  Coach,  Tobacco,  or  the  Pox  ; 
His  physic  was  good  butter,  which  the  soil 
Of  Salop  yields,  more  sweet  than  Candy  oil, 
And  Garlick  he  esteemed  above  the  rate 
Of  Venice-  Treacle,  or  best  Mithridate. 
He  entertained  no  Gout,  no  Ache  he  felt, 
The  air  was  good  and  temperate  where  he  dwelt, 
Whilst  Mavisses,  and  sweet  tongued  Nightingales 

'MESLIN,  a  mixture  of  different  sorts  of  grain. 
•METHEGLIN,  a  beverage  made  of  honey  and  water. 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  15 

Did  chant  him  Roundelays,  and  Madrigals. 

Thus  living  within  bounds  within  bounds  of  Natures 

Laws, 

Of  his  long  lasting  life  may  be  some  cause. 
For  though  th'  Almighty  all  mans  days  do  measure, 
And  doth  dispose  of  life  and  death  at  pleasure, 
Yet  Nature  being  wrong'd,  mans  days  and  date 
May  be  abridg'd,  and  God  may  tolerate. 

But  had  the  Father  of  this  Thomas  Parr, 
His  Grandfather,  and  his  Great  grandfather, 
Had  their  lives  threads  so  long  a  length  been  spun, 
They  (by  succession)  might  from  Sire  to  Son 
Have  been  unwritten  Chronicles,  and  by 
Tradition  shew  Times  mutability. 
Then  Parr  might  say  he  heard  his  Father  well, 
Say  that  his  Grand-fire  heard  his  Father  tell 
The  death  of  famous  Edward  the  confessor, 
(Harold)  and  William  Conq'ror  his  successor  ; 
How  his  Son  Robert  wan  Jerusalem, 
O'er-came  the  Saracens,  and  Conquer'd  them  : 
How  Rufus  reign'd,  and's  Brother  Henry  next, 
And  how  usurping  Stevn  this  kingdom  vext  : 
How  Maud  the  Empress  (the  first  Henries  daughter) 
To  gain  her  Right  fill'd  England  full  of  slaughter  : 
Of  second  Henry  s  Rosamond  the  fair, 
Of  Richard  Cceur-de-lion,  his  brave  heir 
King  John,  and  of  the  foul  suspicion 
Of  Arthurs  death,  Johns  elder  Brothers  Son. 


1 6  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  ;  OR 

Of  the  third  Henrys  long  reign  (sixty  years) 
The  Barons  wars,  the  loss  of  wrangling  Peers, 
How     Long-shanks     did    the    Scots    and     French 

convince, 

Tam'd  Wales,  and  made  his  hapless  son  their  Prince. 
How  second  Edward  was  Carnarvon  call'd, 
Beaten  by  Scots,  and  by  his  Queen  inthrall'd. 
How  the  third  Edward,  fifty  years  did  reign, 
And  t'honor'd  Garters  Order  did  ordain. 
Next  how  the  second  Richard  liv'd  and  died, 
And  how  fourth  Henries  faction  did  divide 
The  Realm  with  civil  (most  uncivil)  war 
'Twixt  long  contending  York  and  Lancaster. 
How  the  fifth  Henry  swayed,  and  how  his  son 
Sixth  Henry  a  sad  Pilgrimage  did  run. 
Then  of  fourth  Edward,  and  fair  Mistress  Shore, 
King  Edwards  Concubine  Lord  Hastings  ( —      — ) 
Then  how  fifth  Edward  murdered  with  a  trick 
Of  the  third  Richard ;  and  then  how  that  Dick 
Was  by  seventh  Henries  slain  at  Bosworth  field ; 
How  he  and's  son  th'eighth  Henry,  here  did  wield 
The  Sceptre  ;  how  sixth  Edward  sway'd, 
How  Mary  rul'd,  and  how  that  royal  maid 
Elizabeth  did  Govern  (best  of  Dames) 
And  Phanix-\&&  expir'd,  and  how  just  James 
("Another  Phcenix)  from  her  Ashes  claims 
The  right  of  Britain  s  Sceptre,  as  his  own, 
But  (changing  for  a  better)  left  the  Crown 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  17 

Where  now  'tis,  with  King  Charles,  and  may  it  be 

With  him,  and  his  most  blest  posterity 

Till  time  shall  end  ;  be  they  on  Earth  renown'd, 

And  after  with  Eternity  be  crown'd. 

Thus    had    Parr    had    good    breeding,     (without 

reading) 

He  from  his  sire,  and  Grand  sires  sire  proceeding,    . 
By  word  of  mouth  might  tell  most  famous  things 
Done  in  the  reigns  of  all  those  Queens  and   Kings. 
But  he  in  Husbandry  hath  been  brought  up, 
And  ne'er  did  taste  the  Heliconian  cup, 
He  ne'er  knew  History,  nor  in  mind  did  keep 
Ought,  but  the  price  of  corn,  hay,  kine,  or  sheep. 
Day  found  him  work,  and  night  allowed  him  rest. 
Nor  did  Affairs  of  State  his  brain  molest. 
His  high'st  Ambition  was,  A  tree  to  lop, 
Or  at  the  furthest  to  a  May-poles  top, 
His  Recreation,  and  his  Mirths  discourse 
Hath  been  the  Piper,  and  the  hobby-horse. 
And  in  this  simple  sort,  he  hath  with  pain, 
From  Childhood  liv'd  to  be  a  Child  again. 
'Tis  strange,  a  man  that  is  in  years  so  grown 
Should  not  be  rich ;  but  to  the  world  'tis  known, 
That  he  that's  born  in  any  Land,  or  Nation, 
Under  a  Twelve-pence  Planet's  Denomination, 
(By  working  of  that  Planets  influence) 
Shall  never  live  to  be  worth  thirteen  pence. 


1 8  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  ;  OR 

Whereby  (although  his  Learning  cannot  show  it) 
He's  rich  enough  to  be  (like  me)  a  Poet. 

But  ere  I  do  conclude,  I  will  relate 
Of  reverend  Age's  Honourable  state  ; 
Where  shall  a  young  man  good  Instructions  have, 
But  from  the  Ancient,  from  Experience  grave  ? 
Rehoboam,  (Son  and  Heir  to  Solomon) 
Rejecting  ancient  Counsel,  was  undone 
Almost ;  for  ten  of  the  twelve  tribes  fell 
To  Jeroboam  King  of  Israel. 
And  all  wise  Princes,  and  great  Potentates 
Select  and  chose  Old  men,  as  Magistrates, 
Whose  Wisdom,  and  whose  reverend  Aspect, 
Knows  how  and  when  to  punish  or  protect 
The  Patriarchs  long  lives  before  the  Flood, 
Were  given  them  (as  'tis  righly  understood) 
To  store  and  multiply  by  procreations, 
That  people  should  inhabit  and  breed  Nations. 
That  th'Ancients  their  Prosperities  might  show 
The  secrets  deep  of  Nature,  how  to  know 
To  scale  the  sky  with  learned  Astronomy, 
And  found  the  Oceans  deep  profundity ; 
But  chiefly  how  to  serve,  and  to  obey 
God,  who  did  make  them  out  of  slime  and  clay  ; 
Should  men  live  now,  as  long  as  they  did  then, 
The  Earth  could  not  sustain  the  Breed  of  Men. 
Each  man  had  many  wives,  which  Bigamy, 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  19 

Was  such  increase  to  their  Posterity, 

That  one  old  man  might  see  before  he  died, 

That  his  own  only  off-spring  had  supplied 

And  Peopled  Kingdoms. 

But  now  so  brittle's  the  estate  of  man, 

That  (in  Comparison)  his  life's  a  span. 

Yet  since  the  Flood  it  may  be  proved  plain, 

That  many  did  a  longer  life  retain, 

Than  him  I  write  of ;  for  Arphaxad  liv'd 

Four  hundred  thirty  eight,  Shelah  surviv'd 

Four  hundred  thirty  three  years,  Eber  more, 

For  he  liv'd  twice  two  hundred  sixty  four. 

Two  hundred  years  Terah  was  alive, 

And  Abrham  liv'd  one  hundred  seventy  five. 

Before  Job's  Troubles,  holy  writ  relates, 

His  sons  and  daughters  were  at  marriage  states, 

And  after  his  restoring,  'tis  most  clear, 

That  he  surviv'd  one  hundred  forty  year. 

John  Buttadeus  (if  report  be  true) 

Is  his  name  that  is  styl'd,  The  Wandering  Jew, 

'Tis  said,  he  saw  our  Saviour  die  ;  and  how 

He  was  a  man  then,  and  is  living  now  ; 

Whereof  Relations  you  (that  will)  may  read ; 

But  pardon  me,  'tis  no  part  of  my  Creed. 

Upon  a  Germans  Age,  'tis  written  thus, 

That  one  Johannes  de  Temporibus 

Was  Armour-bearer  to  brave  Charlemagne, 

And  that  unto  the  age  he  did  attain 


2O  THE  VERY  OLD  MAN  ;  OR 

Of  years  three  hundred  sixty  one,  and  then 

Old  John  of  Times  return'd  to  Earth  agen. 

And  noble  Nestor,  at  the  siege  of  Troy, 

Had  liv'd  three  hundred  years  both  Man  and  boy. 

Sir  Walter  Raleigh  (a  most  learned  Knight) 

Doth  of  an  Irish  Countess,  Desmond,  write 

Of  seven  score  years  of  Age,  he  with  her  spake  : 

The  Lord  Saint  Albanes  doth   more  mention  make 

That  she  was  Married  in  Fourth  Edwards  reign, 

Thrice   shed    her    Teeth,    which   three  time    came 

again. 

The  Highland  Scots  and  the  Wild  Irish  are 
Long  liv'd  with  Labour  hard,  and  temperate  fare. 
Amongst  the  Barbarous  Indians  some  live  strong 
And  lusty,  near  two  hundred  winters  long  ? 
So  as  I  said  before,  my  verse  now  says 
By  wronging  Nature,  men  cut  off  their  days. 
Therefore  (as  Times  are)  He  I  now  write  on, 
The  age  of  all  in  Britain  hath  out  gone  ; 
All  those  that  were  alive  when  he  had  Birth, 
Are  turn'd  again  unto  their  mother  earth, 
If  any  of  them  live,  and  do  reply, 
I  will  be  sorry,  and  confess,  I  lie. 
For  had  he  been  a  Merchant,  then  perhaps, 
Storms,  Thunderclaps,  or  fear  of  Afterclaps, 
Sands,  Rocks,  or  Roving  Pirates,  Gusts  and  storms 
Had  made  him  (long  ere  this)  the  food  of  worms. 
Had  he  a  Mercer  or  a  Silk-man  been, 


THE  LIFE  OF  THOMAS  PARR.  21 

And  trusted  much  in  hope  great  gain  to  win, 

And  late  and  early  strived  to  get  or  save, 

His  Grey  head  long  ere  now  had  been  i'th  Grave. 

Or  had  he  been  a  Judge  or  Magistrate, 

Or  of  Great  Counsel  in  Affairs  of  state 

Then  days  important  business,  and  nights  cares 

Had  long  ere  this,  Interr'd  his  hoary  hairs  : 

But  as  I  writ  before,  no  care  opprest  him, 

Nor  ever  did  Affairs  of  State  molest  him. 

Some  may  object,  that  they  will  not  believe 

His  Age  to  be  so  much,  for  none  can  give 

Account  thereof,  Time  being  past  so  far, 

And  at  his  Birth  there  was  no  Register. 

The  Register  was  ninety  seven  years  since 

Giv'n  by  th'eight  Henry  (that  Illustrious  Prince) 

Th'year  fifteen  hundred  forty  wanting  twain) 

And  in  the  thirtieth  year  of  that  Kings  reign ; 

So  old  Parr  now,  was  almost  an  old  man, 

Near  sixty  ere  the  Register  began. 

I  have  writ  as.  much  as  Reason  can  require, 

How  Times  did  pass,  how  Leases  did  expire ; 

And  Gentlemen  o'th  County  did  Relate 

T'our  gracious  King  by  their  Certificate 

His  age,  and  how  time  with  grey  hairs  hath  crowned 

him ; 
And  so  I  leave  him  older  than  I  found  him. 


22  A   Postscript. 

|HE  changes  of  Manners,  the  variations  of 
Customs,  the  mutability  of  Times,  the 
shiftings  of  Fashions,  the  alterations  of 
Religions,  the  diversities  of  Sects,  and  the  inter- 
mixture of  Accidents  which  hath  happened  since  the 
Birth  of  this  old  Thomas  Parr,  in  this  Kingdom ; 
although  all  of  them  are  not  to  be  held  worthy  of 
mentioning,  yet  many  of  them  are  worthy  to  be  had 
in  memory. 

In  the  sixth  year  of  his  Age,  and  in  the  second 
year  of  the  reign  of  King  Henry  the  seventh,  one 
Lambert  Symnel,  (the  Son  of  a  Baker)  claimed  the 
Crown,  and  was  crowned  King  of  Ireland,  and 
Proclaimed  King  of  England  in  the  City  of  Dublin: 
This  Paltry  fellow  did  put  the  King  to  much  cost 
and  trouble,  for  he  landed  with  an  Army  at  Fowdrey 
in  Lancashire,  and  at  a  place  called  Stoke,  the  King 
met  him,  and  after  a  sharp  and  short  battle,  over- 
came and  took  him,  and  pardoningfjiim  his  Life, 
gave  him  a  Turn-broaches1  place  in  the  Kitchen,  and 
afterwards  made  him  one  of  his  Falconers.  Anno. 
1487. 

In  the  tenth  year  of  his  Age,  and  the  eighth  of 
Henry  the  seventh  another  Youngster,  whose  name 
was  Perkin  Warbeck  (as  some  write,  a  Tinkers  Son 
in'  Tournay)  some  say  his  Father  was  a  Jew;  not- 

1  BROACH. — i.e.,  a  spit. 


A  Postscript.  23 

withstanding,  he  likewise  put  the  King  to  much 
charge  and  trouble,  for  he  was  assisted  with  soldiers 
from  Scotland  and  France ;  besides,  many  joined 
with  him  in  England,  till  at  the  last,  the  King  took 
him,  and  (on  his  true  Confession,  pardon'd  him)  he 
falling  again  to  his  old  Practice,  was  executed  at 
Tyburn,  1499. 

The  same  year  also,  a  Shoemakers  Son, 
dwelling  in  Bishopsgate-street,  likewise  claimed  the 
Crown,  under  the  name  of  Edward,  Earl  of 
Warwick,  the  Son  of  George,  Duke  of  Clarence, 
Brother  to  King  Edward  the  fourth  ;  but  this  young 
Shoemaker,  ended  his  claim  in  a  halter  at  Saint 
Thomas  a  Waterings* ;  which  was  a  warning  for  him, 
not  to  surpass  Ne  Sutor  Ultra  Crepidam. 

Another  Counterfeit,  the  Son  of  a  Miller 
claimed  the  Crown,  (in  the  second  year  of  Queen 
Marys  reign)  saying  that  he  was  King  Edward  the 
sixth;  but  the  tenth  of  May  1552,  those  Royal 
Opinions  were  whip'd  out  of  him  for  a  while,  till  he 
fell  to  his  old  claim  again,  and  purchas'd  a  hanging 
the  thirteenth  of  March  following.  So  much  for 
Impostures  and  Counterfeits. 

For  Religion,  he  hath  known  the  Times  of 
divers  Sects  and  Changes,  as  the  Romish  Catholic 
Religion  from  his  Birth,  till  the  24  year  of  King 

THOMAS-A- WATERINGS. — A  place  of  execution  for  the  county  of  Surrey, 
situated  close  to  the  second  mile-stone  on  the  Old  Kent-road. 


24  A  Postscript. 

Henry  the  eight,  the  time  of  50  years  ;  And  the  26 
of  his  reign  (the  King's  understanding  being  Illumi- 
nated from  above)  he  cast  the  Pope's  authority  out 
of  this  Kingdom,  1534,  and  restored  the  Ancient 
and  Primitive  Religion,  which  continued  under  the 
Title  of  Protestants,  till  the  end  of  his  Son,  King 
Edward  the  sixth  his  reign,  which  was  near  about 
20  years,  then  was  a  bloody  alteration,  or  return  to 
Papistry  for  more  than  5  years,  all  the  reign  of  Queen 
Mary  ;  since  whose  death,  the  Pr.otestant  Religion 
again  was  happily  restored,  continued  and  main- 
tained by  the  Defenders  of  the  True,  Ancient, 
Catholic,  and  Apostolic  Faith,  these  66  years  and 
more,  under  the  blessed  Governments  of  Queen 
Elizabeth,  King  James,  and  King  Charles.  All 
which  time,  Thomas  Parr  hath  not  been  troubled 
in  mind  for  either  the  building  or  throwing  down  of 
Abbeys,  and  Religious  Houses ;  nor  did  he  ever 
murmur  at  the  manner  of  Prayers,  let  them  be  Latin 
or  English,  he  held  it  safest  to  be  of  the  Religion  of 
the  King  or  Queen  that  were  in  being ;  for  he  knew 
that  he  came  raw  into  the  world,  and  accounted  it  no 
point  of  wisdom  to  be  broiled  out  of  it :  His  name 
was  never  questioned  for  affirming  or  denying  the 
Kings  Supremacy  :  He  hath  known  the  time  when 
men  were  so  mad  as  to  kneel  down  and  pray,  before 
a  Block,  a  Stock,  a  Stone,  a  Picture,  or  a  Relic  of  a 
He  or  She  Saint  departed ;  and  he  liv'd  in  a  time 


A  Postscript.  25 

when  mad  men  would  not  bow  their  knee  at  the 
name  of  Jesus ;  that  are  more  afraid  to  see  a  white 
Surplice,  than  to  wear  a  white  Sheet ;  that  despise 
the  Cross  (in  anything  but  money)  that  hold  Latin 
to  be  the  language  of  the  beast,  and  hate  it  deadly 
because  the  Pope  speaks  it ;  that  would  patch  up  a 
Religion  with  untemper'd  Morter,  out  of  their  own 
Brains,  not  grounded  upon  the  true  Corner-stone  ; 
who  are  furnish'd  with  a  lazy  idle  Faith ;  that  holds 
good  works  a  main  Point  of  Popery ;  that  hold  their 
Religion  truest,  because  it  is  contrary  to  all  Order 
and  Discipline,  both  of  Church  and  Common- 
wealth :  These  are  sprung  up  since  old  Tom  Parr 
was  born. 

But  he  hath  out-lived  many  Sectaries  and 
Heretics  ;  for  in  the  32  year  of  the  reign  of  King 
Henry  the  eighth,  1 540.  the  3.  of  May,  three  Ana- 
baptists were  burnt  in  the  High-way,  between 
Soutkwark  and  Newington.  In  the  fourth  year  of 
King  Edward  the  sixth,  one  George  of  Paris,  a 
Dutchman,  was  burned  in  Smithfield,  for  being  an 
Arian  Heretic,  1551.  1583,  One  John  Lewis 
denied  the  Godhead  of  Christ,  was  burnt  at 
Norwich,  in  the  26  year  of  Elizabeth.  Not  long 
before  that,  there  was  one  Joan  Butcher  (Alias) 
Joan  of  Kent,  burnt  for  the  like. 

In  the  third  year  of  Queen  Elizabeths  reign, 
one  William  Geffrey  affirmed  one  John  Moore  to  be 


26  A  Postscript. 

Christ,  but  they  were  both  whipped  out  of  that 
presumptuous  Opinion,  1561. 

In  the  17  of  Queen  Elizabeth,  the  Sect  of  the 
Family  of  Love  began  1575,  but  it  took  no  deep 
root. 

In  the  21  of  Queen  Elizabeth,  one  Matthew 
Harmont  was  burned  at  Norwich  for  denying  Christ 
to  be  our  Saviour. 

In  the  33  of  Queen  Elizabeth,  one  William 
Hacket  was  hanged  for  professing  himself  to  be 
Christ,  1591. 

In  the  9  year  of  king  James,  the  1 1  of  April, 
1611,  one  Edward  Wightman  was  burned  at  Litch- 
jield  for  Arianism. 

So  much  have  I  written  concerning  Sects  and 
Heresies  which  have  been  in  this  Kingdom  in  his 
time,  now  I  treat  of  some  other  Passages. 

He  hath  out-lived  six  great  Plagues.  He  was 
born  long  before  we  had  much  use  of  Printing:  for 
it  was  brought  into  this  Kingdom  1472.  and  it  was 
long  after  ere  it  was  in  use. 

He  was  above  80  years  old  before  any  Guns 
were  made  in  England,  1535. 

The  Vintners  sold  no  Sacks,  Muscadels, 
Malmseys,  Bastards,  Allegants,  nor  any  other  Wines 
but  White  and  Claret,  till  the  33  year  of  King  Henry 
the  eight  1543,  and  then  was  Old  Parr  60  years  of 
age:  all  those  sweet  Wines  were  sold  till  that  time 


A  Postscript.  27 

at  the  Apothecaries  for  no  other  use,  but  for 
Medicines. 

There  was  no  Starch  used  in  England.  A 
Flanders  woman,  one  Mistress  Dinghen  Vandein 
Plasse  brought  in  the  use  of  Starch,  1564:  and  then 
was  this  man  near  80  years  old. 

There  were  no  Bands  worn  till  King  Henry  the 
eights  time;  for  he  was  the  first  King  that  ever  wore 
a  Band  in  England,  1513. 

Women's  Masques,  Busks,  Muffs,  Fans,  Peri- 
wigs, and  Bodkins,  were  invented  by  Italian 
Courtezans,  and  transported  through  France  into 
England,  in  the  ninth  of  Queen  Elizabeth. 

Tobacco  was  first  brought  into  England  by  Sir 
John  Hawkins,  1565,  but  it  was  first  brought  into 
use  by  Sir  Walter  Raleigh  many  years  after. 

He  was  81  years  old  before  there  was  any 
Coach  in  England :  for  the  first  that  ever  was  seen 
here,  was  brought  out  of  the  Netherlands,  by  one 
William  Boonen  a  Diitch-man,  who  gave  a  coach  to 
Queen  Elizabeth,  (for  she  had  been  seven  years  a 
Queen  before  she  had  any  Coach)  since  when,  they 
have  increased  (with  a  mischief)  and  ruined  all  the 
best  House-keeping,  to  the  undoing  of  the  Water- 
men, by  the  multitudes  of  Hackney  or  hired 
Coaches :  but  they  never  swarmed  so  thick  to  pester 
the  streets,  as  they  do  now,  till  the  year,  1605,""  and 

*During  the  hearing  of  the  case  of  the  Mid-London  Railway  Company 
before  the  Select  Committee  of  the  House   of  Commons,    April,   1872,  some 


28  A  Postscript. 

then  was  the  Gun-powder  Treason  hatched,  and  at 
that  time  did  the  coaches  breed  and  multiply. 

He  hath  out-lived  the  Fashion  at  least  40  times 
over  and  over. 

He  hath  known  many  Changes  of  Scarcity  (or 
Dearth)  and  Plenty:  but  I  speak  only  of  the 
Plenty. 

In  the  year  1499,  the  15  of  Henry  7,  Wheat 
was  sold  for  4^.  the  quarter,  or  6d.  the  bushel,  and 
Bay  salt  at  \d.  and  Wine  at  40  shillings  the  tun, 
(which  is  about  three  farthings  the  quart.) 


curious  details  were  elicited  relative  to  the  street  traffic  of  London. 
Mr.  W.  Casey, ,  a  traffic  taker,  gave  evidence  that  on  the  28th  of  March  last,  in 
Cheapside,  from  8  a.m.  to  12  midnight,  9,032  vehicles  passed  a  given  point, 
and  80,257  passengers  on  foot  or  in  omnibuses  and  private  carriages.  At  the 
Post-office  end  of  Newgate-street  the  number  of  vehicles  was  9,322,  and 
of  passengers  64,212.  The  traffic  was  taken  at  twelve  stations  on  or  near 
the  line  of  the  proposed  railway.  In  Oxford-street,  near  Tottenham-court-road, 
the  number  of  vehicles  was  8,803,  an£l  °f  passengers  62, 1 10.  In  the  same  tho- 
roughfare, near  Regent-circus,  the  number  of  vehicles  was  9,361,  and  of  passen- 
gers 68,872.  The  witness  stated  that  it  had  been  ascertained  that  853  omnibuses 
passed  along  Oxford-street  in  each  direction,  east  and  west,  daily.  The  propor- 
tions of  vehicles  of  various  kinds,  and  of  passengers  and  their  modes  of  convey- 
ance, varied  considerably  at  thedifferent  points  of  observation.  For  the  sixteen 
hours  from  8a.m.  to  12  p.m.  the  numbers  in  Cheapside,  near  Old  Jewry,  were: 
— Omnibuses,  2,604;  cabs,  3,477;  four-wheeled  waggons,  1,438  ;  two-wheeled 
carts,  1,104  5  private  carriages,  four  wheels,  326  ;  private  carriages,  two 
wheels,  83.  Passengers  on  foot,  54.677;  in  omnibuses,  21,247;  m  cabs,  3,307; 
in  private  carriages,  1,022;  equestrians,  4.  Mr.  Haywood,  engineer  to  the 
Commissioners  of  Sewers,  gave  evidence  as  to  the  street  improvements  that  had 
been  effected  in  the  city  of  London  during  the  last  25  years,  amounting  to 
more  than  150  in  number.  He  spoke  also  to  the  density  of  the  population  of 
different  parts  of  London,  and  of  the  districts  that  would  be  accommodated  by 
the  proposed  railway.  St.  Luke's  contained  a  population  of  159,909  to  the  square 
mile.  The  whole  population  of  the  City  proper  was  74,000.  In  the  observa- 
tions of  street  traffic,  made  under  direction,  he  had  found  that  on  different  days 
in  February  last  there  passed  in  12  hours  a  point  in  Oxford -street,  between 
Tottenham-court-road  and  Regent-street,  8,236  carriages  ;  near  Great  Turn- 
stile, 10,560  carriages;  at  the  Mansion  House,  east  of  the  junction  with  Queen 
Victoria-street,  13,660  carriages.  In  Newgate-street  33,000  foot  passengers 
passed  a  given  point  in  12  hours  ;  and  in  the  Poultry,  before  Queen  Victoria- 
street  was  opened,  the  foot  passengers  numbered  75,100  in  12  hours. 


A  Postscript.  29 

In  the  first  of  Queen  Mary,  Beer  was  sold  for 
sixpence  the  Barrel,  (the  Cask  and  all)  and  three 
great  loaves  for  one  penny. 

In  the  year  1557,  the  fifth  of  Queen  Mary,  the 
Penny  Wheaten  Loaf  was  in  weight,  56  ounces,  and 
many  places  people  would  change  a  Bushel  of  Corn 
for  a  Pound  of  Candles. 

So  much  shall  suffice  for  the  declaring  of  some 
Changes  and  Alterations  that  have  happened  in  his 
time. 

Now  for  a  Memorial  of  his  Name,  I'll  give  a 
little  touch.  I  will  not  search  for  the  Antiquity  of 
the  name  of  Parr,  but  I  find  it  to  be  an  Honorable 
name  in  the  12  year  of  King  Edward  ti\t  fourth,  the 
King  sent  Sir  William  Parr  Knight,  to  seize  upon 
the  Archbishop  of  Yorks  Goods,  at  a  place  called 
the  Moor,  in  Hartfordshire,  1472  :  this  Sir  William 
Parr  was  Knight  of  the  Right  Honourable  Order 
of  the  Garter. 

In  the  22  of  Edward  the  fourth,  the  same  Sir 
William  Parr  went  with  an  Army  towards  Scotland, 
with  Richard  Duke  of  Gloster. 

In  the  year  1543,  the  35  year  of  King  Henry 
the  eight,  July  22,  the  King  was  married  to  Lady 
Katharine  Parr ;  and  the  24  of  December,  following, 
the  Queen's  .Brother,  William  Lord  Parr,  was 
created  Earl  of  Essex,  and  Sir  William  Parr  their 
Uncle  was  made  Lord  Parr  of  Norton,  and  Cham- 


3O  A  Postscript. 

berlain  to  the  Queen,  and  the  first  of  King  Edward 
the  sixth,  William  Parr,  Earl  of  Essex  was  created 
Marques  of  Northampton;  and  in  the  4  year  of 
King  Edwards  reign  1550,  the  said  Marques  was 
made  Lord  Great  Chamberlain  of  England,  and  on 
the  last  of  April,  1552,  he  (amongst  other  Lords) 
Mustered  100  brave  well  appointed  Horsemen  of 
his  own  charge  before  King  Edward  in  the  Park  at 
Greenwich  (his  Cognisance  or  Crest  being  the 
Maidenhead]  in  the  first  of  Queen  Mary  he  took 
part  with  the  Lady  Jane  against  the  Queen,  for 
which  he  was  taken  and  committed  to  the  Tower, 
July  26,  and  (contrary  to  expectation)  released 
again  shortly  after,  March  24. 

Also  the  first  of  Queen  Elizabeth,  William 
Parr,  Marquess  of  Northampton  sat  in  Westminster 
Hall,  Lord  High  Steward,  upon  a  Trial  of  William 
Lord  Wentworth,  (who  had  been  late  Lord  Deputy 
of  Calais;  which  noble  Lord  Wentworth,  came  off 
most  Honourably  acquitted,  April  22. 

After  the  death  of  King  \\enry  the  eighth, 
Queen  Katherine  Parr  was  married  to  Sir  Thomas 
Seymour,  Lord  High  Admiral,  and  she  died  the  2  of 
September,  1548. 

And  thus  I  lay  down  the  Pen,  leaving  it  to 
whomsoever  can,  or  will  make  more  of  this  Old 
Man,  than  I  have 

DONE. 


THE  GREAT  EATER 

OF  KENT, 

OR  PART  OF  THE  ADMIRABLE  TEETH 

and  Stomach  Exploits  of 

Nicholas    Wood,   of   Harrisom, 

in  the  Coimty  of  Kent,  His  Excessive  manner 

of  Eating  without  manners  in  strange 

and  trve  manner  described 

BY  IOHN  TAYLOR. 


LONDON, 

Printed  by  Eliz.  All-de  for  Henry  Gosson. 
1630. 


THE  GREAT  EATER  OF  KENT. 

'ECORDS  and  Histories  do  make  memora- 
ble mention  of  the  diversity  of  qualities 
of  sundry  famous  persons,  men  and 
women,  in  all  the  Countries  and  Regions 
of  the  world,  how  some  are  remembered 
for  their  Piety  and  Pity  ;  some  for  Justice ; 
some  for  Seventy,  for  Learning,  Wisdom,  Temperance, 
Constancy,  Patience,  with  all  the  virtues  Divine,  and 
moral :  Some  again,  have  purchased  a  memory  for 
greatness  and  tallness  of  body;  some  for  dwarfish 
smallness;  some  for  beautiful  outsides,  fair  feature 
and  composition  of  limbs  and  stature,  many  have 
gotten  an  earthly  perpetuity  for  cruelty  and  murder, 
as  Nero,  Commodus,  and  others :  for  Lechery,  as 
Heliogabalus:  for  drunkenness,  Tiberius,  (alias 
Biberius:)  for  effeminacy,  as  Sardanapalus :  for 
gluttony,  Aulus  Vitellius,  who  at  one  supper  was 
served  with  two  thousand  sorts  of  fishes,  and  seven 
thousand  fowls,  as  Suetonius  writes  in  his  ninth  book, 
and  Josephiis  in  his  fifth  book  of  the  Jews  wars. 
Caligiila  was  famous  for  ambition,  for  he  would  be 


2  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

ador'd  as  a  God,  though  he  liv'd  like  a  Devil, 
poisoning  his  Uncle,  and  deflowering  all  his  Sisters  : 
And  in  all  ages  and  countries,  time  hath  still  pro- 
duc'd  particular  persons,  men  and  women,  either  for 
their  virtues  or  their  vices,  to  be  remembered,  that 
by  meditating  on  the  good,  we  may  be  imitating  their 
goodness,  and  by  viewing  the  bad,  we  might  be 
eschewing  their  vices. 

To  descend  lower  to  more  familiar  examples,  I 
have  known  a  great  man  very  expert  on  the  Jew- 
harp  ;  a  rich  heir  excellent  at  Noddy,1  a  Justice  of  the 
Peace  skilful  at  Quoits  ;  a  Merchants  wife  a  quick 
gamester  at  Irish2  (especially  when  she  came  to  bear- 
ing of  men)  that  she  would  seldom  miss  entering. 
Monsieur  La  Ferr  a  Frenchman,  was  the  first 
inventor  of  the  admirable  Game  of  Double-hand, 
Hot-cockles,  and  Gregory  Dawson  an  Englishman, 
devised  the  unmatchable  mystery  of  Blind-man's- 
buff.  Some  have  the  agility  to  ride  Post,  some  the 
facility  to  run  Post;  some  the  dexterity  to  write 
Post,  and  some  the  ability  to  speak,  Post.  For  I 
have  heard  a  fellow  make  a  Hackney  of  his  tongue, 
and  in  a  moment  he  hath  gallop'd  a  lie  from  China 
to  London,  without  bridle  or  saddle.  Others  do 
speak  Post,  in  a  thick  shuffling  kind  of  ambling  trot, 
and  that  in  such  speed,  that  one  of  them  shall  talk 

1NoDDY,  an  old  game  at  cards,  conjectured  to  be  the  same  as  cribbage. 
"IRISH,  similar  to  backgammon. 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  3 

more  in  one  quarter  of  an  hour,  than  shall  be  under- 
stood in  seven  years.  And  as  every  one  hath  par- 
ticular qualities  to  themselves,  and  dissonant  from 
others,  so  are  the  manners  of  lives  (or  livings)  of  all 
men  and  women  various  one  from  another  ;  as  some 
get  their  living  by  their  tongues,  as  Interpreters, 
Lawyers,  Orators,  and  Flatterers  ;  some  by  tails,  as 
Maquerellaes,*  Concubines,  Curtezans,  or  in  plain 
English,  Whores  ;  some  by  their  feet,  as  Dancers, 
Lackeys,  Footmen,  and  Weavers,  and  Knights  of  the 
public  or  common  order  of  the  fork  ;  some  by  their 
brains,  as  Politicians,  Monopolists,  Projectmongers, 
Suit-joggers,  and  Star-gazers ;  some  (like  the  Sala- 
mander) live  by  fire,  as  the  whole  race  of  TubalCain, 
the  Vulcanean brood  of  Blacksmiths,  Firemen,  Colliers, 
Gunners,  Gun-founders,  and  all  sorts  of  metal-men ; 
some  like  the  Chameleon,  by  the  air,  and  such  are 
Poets,  Trumpeters,  Cornets,  Recorders,  Pipers,  Bag- 
pipers ;  and  some  by  smoke,  as  Tobacconists,  Knights 
of  the  Vapour,  Gentlemen  of  the  Whiff,  Esquires  of 
the  Pipe,  Gallants  in  fumo  ;  some  live  by  the  Water 
as  Herrings  do,  such  are  Brewers,  Vintners,  Dyers, 
Mariners,  Fishermen,  and  Scullers ;  and  many  like 
moles  live  by  the  Earth,  as  griping  Usurers,  racking 
Landlords,  toiling  Ploughmen,  moiling  Labourers, 
painful  Gardeners,  and  others. 

Amongst  all  these  before  mentioned,  and  many 
more  which  I  could  recite,  this  subject  of  my  pen  is 

*MAQUERELI.AES. — i.e.,  bawds,  procuresses, 


4  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

not  (for  his  quality)  inferior  to  any  :  and  as  near  as 
I  can,  I  will  stretch  my  wit  upon  the  Tenters,  to 
describe  his  name  and  character,  his  worthy  acts 
shall  be  related  after  in  due  time  duly. 

And,  be  it  known  unto  all  men,  to  whom  these 
presents  shall  come,  that  I  John  Taylor,  Waterman 
of  Saint  Saviours  in  Southwark,  in  the  County  of 
Surrey,  the  Writer  hereof,  &c.,  will  write  plain  truth, 
bare  and  thread-bare,  and  almost  stark-naked-truth, 
of  the  descriptions,  and  remarkable,  memorable 
actions  of  Nicholas  Wood,  of  the  Parish  of  Harrison? 
in  the  County  of  Kent,  Yeoman,  for  these  consider- 
ations following. 

First,  I  were  to  blame  to  write  more  than  truth, 
because  that  which  is  known  to  be  true,  is  enough. 

Secondly,  that  which  is  only  true,  is  too  much. 

Thirdly,  the  truth  will  hardly  be  believed,  being 
so  much  beyond  mans  reason  to  conceive. 

Fourthly,  I  shall  run  the  hazard  to  be  accounted 
a  great  liar,  in  writing  the  truth. 

Lastly,  I  will  not  lie,  on  purpose  to  make  all 
those  liars  that  esteem  me  so. 

Yet  by  your  leave,  Master  Critic,  you  must 
give  me  license  to  flourish  my  phrases,  to  embellish 
my  lines,  to  adorn  my  Oratory,  to  embroider  my 
speeches,  to  interlace  my  words,  to  draw  out  my 
sayings,  and  to  bumbast  the  whole  suit  of  the 

1HARISOM, — i.e.  Harrietsham. 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  5 

business  for  the  time  of  your  wearing.  For  though 
truth  appeareth  best  bare  in  matters  of  Justice,  yet 
in  this  I  hold  it  decent  to  attire  her  with  such  poor 
rags  as  I  have,  instead  of  robes. 

First  then ;  the  place  of  his  birth,  and  names  of 
his  parents  are  to  me  a  mere  Terra  incognita,  as  far 
from  my  knowledge,  as  content  from  a  Usurer,  or 
honesty  from  a  Bawd,  but  if  he  be  no  Christian,  the 
matter  is  not  much,  he  will  serve  well  enough  for  a 
man  of  Kent ;  and  if  his  education  had  been  as  his 
feeding,  it  is  evident  he  had  been  of  most  mighty 
breeding ;  he  hath  gotten  a  foul  name,  but  I  know 
not  if  it  came  to  him  by  Baptism,  for  it  is  partly  a 
JV^-name,  which  in  the  total  is  Nicholas,  I  would 
abate  him  but  a  Saint,  and  call  him  Nicholas 
Shambles,  and  were  the  goodness  of  his  purse 
answerable  to  the  greatness  of  his  appetite,  out  of 
all  question,  no  man  below  the  Moon  would  be  a 
better  customer  to  a  shambles  than  he,  for  though 
he  be  chaste  of  his  body,  yet  his  mind  is  only  upon 
flesh,  he  is  the  only  Tugmutton,  or  Muttonmonger 
betwixt  Dover  and  Dunbar :  for  he  hath  eaten  a 
whole  sheep  of  sixteen  shillings  price,  raw  at  one 
meal  (pardon  me)  I  think  he  left  the  skin,  the  wool, 
the  horns,  and  bones  :  but  what  talk  I  of  a  sheep, 
when  it  is  apparently  known,  that  he  hath  at  one 
repast,  and  with  one  dish,  feasted  his  carcase  with  all 
manner  of  meats  ?  All  men  will  confess  that  a  hog 


6  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

will  eat  any  thing,  either  fish,  flesh,  fowl,  root,  herb, 
or  excrement,  and  this  same  noble  Nick  Nicholas,  or 
Nicholas  Nick,  hath  made  an  end  of  a  hog  all  at 
once,  as  if  it  had  been  but  a  rabbit  sucker,  and 
presently  after,  for  fruit  to  recreate  his  palate,  he 
hath  swallowed  three  pecks  of  damsons,  thus 
(Philosophically)  by  way  of  a  chemical  infusion,  as  a 
hog  will  eat  all  things  that  are  to  be  eaten,  so  he  in 
eating  the  hog,  did  in  a  manner  of  extraction  distil 
all  manner  of  meats  through  the  limbeck  of  his 
paunch. 

But  hold  a  little,  I  would  be  loath  to  cloy  my 
Reader  with  too  much  meat  and  fruit  at  once,  so  that 
after  your  sheep,  hog  and  damsons,  I  think  it  best 
to  suffer  you  to  pause  and  pick  your  teeth  (if  you 
have  any)  whilst  I  spend  a  few  words  more  in 
paraphrasing  upon  his  surname.  Wood  is  his  ap- 
pellation, denomination,  or  how  you  please  to 
term  it. 

Some  of  the  ancient  Philosophers  have  com- 
pared men  to  a  Tree  with  the  bottom  upwards, 
whose  root  is  the  brain,  the  arms,  hands,  fingers, 
legs,  feet  and  toes,  are  the  limbs  and  branches,  the 
comparison  is  very  significant,  many  trees  do  bring 
forth  good  fruit,  so  do  some  few  men  ;  some  stately 
trees  grow  high  and  fair,  yet  stand  for  nothing  but 
shades,  and  some  men  grow  high  and  lofty,  yet  are 
nothing  but  shadows;  Some  trees  are  so  malignant, 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  7 

that  nothing  can  prosper  under  the  compass  of  their 
branches ;  and  some  men  are  so  unlucky,  that  very 
few  can  thrive  in  their  service.  And  as  of  one  part 
of  a  tree  a  chair  of  State  may  be  made,  and  of 
another  a  carved  image,  and  of  a  third  a  stool  of 
office;  So  men,  being  compounded  and  composed  all 
of  one  mould  and  metal,  are  different  and  discon- 
sonant  in  estates,  conditions,  and  qualities.  Too 
many  (like  the  barren  Fig-tree)  bear  leaves  of 
Hypocrisy,  but  no  fruits  of  Integrity,  who  serve  only 
for  a  flourish  in  this  life,  and  a  flame  in  that 
hereafter. 

So  much  for  that :  now  to  return  to  my  theme 
of  Wood,  (indeed  this  last  digression  may  make  my 
Reader  think  that  I  could  not  see  wood  for  trees) 
what  Wood  he  is,  I  know  not,  but  by  his  face  he 
should  be  Maple,  or  Crabtree,  and  by  his  stomach, 
sure  he  is  heart  of  Oak ;  some  say  he  is  a  Meddler, 
but  by  his  stature,  he  seems  like  a  low  short  Pine, 
and  certain  I  am,  that  he  is  Popiilar,  a  well  timbered 
piece,  or  a  store-house  for  belly  timber. 

Now  Gentlemen,  as  I  have  walked  you 
amongst  the  Trees,  and  through  the  Wood,  I  pray  sit 
down,  and  take  a  taste  or  two  more  of  this 
banquet. 

What  say  you  to  the  leaf  or  fleck  of  a 
brawn  new  killed,  to  be  of  weight  eight  pound,  and 
to  be  eaten  hot  out  of  the  boars  belly  raw  ?  much 


8  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

good  do  you  Gallants,  -was  it  not  a  glorious  dish  ? 
and  presently  after  (instead  of  suckets,  twelve  raw 
puddings.  I  speak  not  one  word  of  drink  all  this 
while,  for  indeed  he  is  no  drunkard,  he  abhors  that 
swinish  vice:  Alehouses,  nor  Tapsters  cannot  nick  this 
Nick  with  froth,  curtal  cans,  tragical  black-pots, 
and  double-dealing  bumbasted  jugs,  could  never 
cheat  him,  for  one  pint  of  beer  or  ale  is  enough  to 
wash  down  a  hog,  or  water  a  sheep  with  him. 

Two  loins  of  mutton,  and  one  loin  of  veal  were 
but  as  three  sprats  to  him  :  Once  at  Sir  Warham 
Saint  Ledgers  house,  and  at  Sir  William  Sydleyes  he 
shewed  himself  so  valiant  of  teeth,  and  stomach,  that 
he  ate  as  much  as  would  well  have  served  and  sufficed 
thirty  men,  so  that  his  belly  -was  like  to  turn  bank- 
rupt and  break,  but  that  the  serving-men  turned 
him  to  the  fire,  and  anointed  his  paunch  with  grease 
and  butter,  to  make  it  stretch  and  hold  ;  and  after- 
wards being  laid  in  bed,  he  slept  eight  hours,  and 
fasted  all  the  while  :  which  when  the  Knight  under- 
stood, he  commanded  him  to  be  laid  in  the  stocks, 
and  there  to  endure  as  long  time  as  he  had  lain 
bedrid  with  eating. 

Pompey  the  Great,  Alexander  the  Great,  Tam- 
berlane  the  Great,  Charlemagne  or  Charles  the 
Great,  Arthur  the  Great :  all  these  gat  the  title  of 
Great,  for  conquering  Kingdoms,  and  killing  of 
men  ;  and  surely  eating  is  not  a  greater  sin  than 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  9 

rapine,  theft,  manslaughter  and  murder.  Therefore 
this  noble  Eatalian  doth  well  deserve  the  title  of 
Great :  wherefore  I  instile  him  Nicholas  the  Great 
(Eater :)  And  as  these  forenamed  Greats  have 
overthrown  and  wasted  Countries,  and  hosts  of 
men,  with  the  help  of  their  Soldiers  and  followers  ; 
so  hath  our  Nick  the  Great,  (in  his  own  person) 
without  the  help  or  aid  of  any  man,  overcome,  con- 
quered, and  devoured  in  one  week,  as  much  as 
would  have  sufficed  a  reasonable  and  sufficient 
Army  in  a  day,  for  he  hath  at  one  meal  made  an 
assault  upon  seven  dozen  of  good  rabbits  at  the 
Lord  Wottons  in  Kent,  which  in  the  total  is  four- 
score, which  number  would  well  have  sufficed  a 
hundred,  three-score,  and  eight  hungry  soldiers, 
allowing  to  each  of  them  half  a  rabbit. 

Bell,  the  famous  Idol  of  the  Babylonians,  was 
a  mere  impostor,  a  juggling  toy,  and  a  cheating 
bauble,  in  comparison  of  this  Nicholaitan  Kentish 
Tenterbelly,  the  high  and  mighty  Duke  All-paunch, 
was  but  a  fiction  to  him.  Milo  the  Crotonian  could 
hardly  be  his  equal :  and  Woolner  of  Windsor^  was 
not  worthy  to  be  his  footman.  A  quarter  of  fat 
lamb,  and  threescore  eggs  have  been  but  an  easy 
collation,  and  three  well  larded  pudding-pies  he 

IWOOLNER  OF  WINDSOR. — The  Life  and  Pranks  of  Long  Meg  of 
Westminster,  chap,  vii,  contains  an  account  of  "  How  she  used  Woolner 
the  singing  man  of  Windsor,  that  was  the  great  eater,  and  how  she  made  him 
pay  for  his  breakfast, " 


io  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

hath  at  one  time  put  to  foil,  eighteen  yards  of 
black  pudding's  {London  measure)  have  suddenly 
been  imprisoned  in  his  souse-tub.  A  duck  raw 
with  guts,  feathers,  and  all  (except  the  bill  and  the 
long  feathers  of  the  wings)  hath  swam  in  the  whirl- 
pool or  pond  of  his  maw,  and  he  told  me,  that 
three-score  pound  of  cherries  was  but  a  kind  of 
washing  meat,  and  that  there  was  no  tack  in  them, 
for  he  had  tried  it  at  one  time.  But  one  John  Dale 
was  too  hard  for  him  at  a  place  called  Lennam,  for 
the  said  Dale  had  laid  a  wager  that  he  would  fill 
Woods  belly,  with  good  wholesome  victuals  for  two 
shillings,  and  a  gentleman  that  laid  the  contrary,  did 
wager,  that  as  soon  as  noble  Nick  had  eaten  out 
Dales  two  shillings,  that  he  should  presently  enter 
combat  with  a  worthy  Knight,  called  Sir  Loin  of 
Beef,  and  overthrow  him ;  in  conclusion,  Dale 
bought  six  pots  of  potent,  high  and  mighty  ale,  and 
twelve  new  penny  white  loaves,  which  he  sopped 
in  the  said  ale,  the  powerful  fume  whereof  con 
quered  the  conqueror,  robbed  him  of  his  reason, 
bereft  him  of  his  wit,  violently  took  away  his 
stomach,  intoxicated  his  Pia  Mater,  and  entered  the 
sconce  of  his  Pericranium,  blind  folded  him  with 
sleep  ;  setting  a  nap  of  nine  hours  for  manacles 
upon  his  thread-bare  eyelids,  to  the  preservation  of 
the  roast  beef,  and  the  unexpected  winning  of  the 
wager. 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  i  \ 

This  invincible  Ale,  victoriously  vanquished 
the  vanquisher,  and  over  our  Great  Triumpher,  was 
Triumphant :  but  there  are  precedents  enough  of  as 
potent  men  as  our  Nicholas,  that  have  subdued 
Kings  and  Kingdoms,  and  yet  they  themselves 
have  been  captured  and  conquered  by  drink  ;  we 
need  recite  no  more  examples  but  the  Great 
Alexander,  and  Holof ernes,  their  ambition  was 
boundless,  and  so  is  the  stomach  of  my  pens  sub- 
ject, for  all  the  four  Elements  cannot  cloy  him,  fish 
from  the  deepest  ocean,  or  purest  river,  fairest  pond, 
foulest  ditch,  or  dirtiest  puddle,  he  hath  a  receipt 
for  fowl  of  all  sorts,  from  the  Wren  to  the  Eagle, 
from  the  titmouse  to  the  ostrich  or  cassowary,  his 
paunch  is  either  a  coop  or  a  roost  for  them  :  he  hath 
(within  himself)  a  stall  for  the  ox,  a  room  for 
the  cow,  a  sty  for  the  hog,  a  park  for  the 
deer,  a  warren  for  conies,  a  store  -  house  for 
fruit,  a  dairy  for  milk,  cream,  curds,  whey,  butter- 
milk, and  cheese  :  his  mouth  is  a  mill  of  perpetual 
motion,  for  let  the  wind  or  the  water  rise  or  fall,  yet 
his  teeth  will  ever  be  grinding ;  his  guts  are  the 
rendezvous  or  meeting  place  or  burse  for  the  beasts 
of  the  fields,  the  fowls  of  the  air,  and  fishes  of  the 
sea ;  and  though  they  be  never  so  wild  or  disagreeing 
in  Nature,  one  to  another,  yet  he  binds  or  grinds 
them  to  the  peace,  in  such  manner,  that  they  never 
fall  at  odds  again.  His  eating  of  a  sheep,  a  hog, 


12  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

and  a  duck  raw,  doth  shew  that  he  is  free  from  the 
sin  of  niceness  or  curiosity  in  his  diet.  (It  had  been 
happy  for  the  poor,  if  their  stomachs  had  been  of 
that  constitution,  when  sea  coals  were  so  dear  here.) 
Besides,  he  never  troubles  a  larder,  or  cupboard  to 
lay  cold  meat  in,  nor  doth  he  keep  any  cats  or  traps 
in  his  house  to  destroy  vermin,  he  takes  so  good  a 
course,  that  he  lays  or  shuts  up  all  safe  within  him- 
self ;  in  brief,  give  him  meat,  and  he  ne'er  stands  upon 
the  cookery ;  he  cares  not  for  the  peacock  of  Samos, 
the  woodcock  of  Phrygia,  the  cranes  of  Malta,  the 
pheasants  of  England,  the  capercailzie,  the  heathcock, 
and  ptarmigan  of  Scotland,  the  goat  of  Wales,  the 
salmon,  and  usquebaugh  of  Ireland,  the  sausage  of 
Bolognia,  the  skink  of  Westphalia,  the  Spanish 
potatoe,  he  holds  as  a  bauble,  and  the  Italian  fig  he 
esteems  as  poison. 

He  is  an  Englishman,  and  English  diet  will 
serve  his  turn.  If  the  Norfolk  Dumpling,  and  the 
Devonshire  white-pot,  be  at  variance,  he  will  atone 
them,  the  bag-puddings  of  Gloucester  shire,  the 
black-puddings  of  Worcester  shire,  the  pan-puddings 
of  Shropshire,  the  white  puddings  of  Somersetshire, 
the  hasty  puddings  of  Hampshire,  and  the  pudding- 
pies  of  any  shire,  all  is  one  to  him,  nothing  comes 
amiss,  a  contented  mind  is  worth  all,  and  let  any 
thing  come  in  the  shape  of  fodder,  or  eating  stuff,  it 
is  welcome,  whether  it  be  sausage,  or  custard,  or 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  13 

egg-pie,  or  cheese-cake,  or  flawn,  or  fool,  or  froise,  or 
tansy,  or  pancake,  or  fritter,  or  flapjack,  or  posset, 
galley -maw frey,  mackeroon,  kickshaw,  or  tantablin, 
hejs  no  pulling  meacock,  nor  in  all  his  life  time  the 
queasyness  of  his  stomach  needed  any  saucy  spur 
or  switch  of  sour  verjuice  or  acute  vinegar,  his 
appetite  is  no  straggler,  nor  is  it  ever  to  seek,  for  he 
keeps  it  close  prisoner,  and  like  a  courteous  kind 
jailor,  he  is  very  tender  over  it,  not  suffering  it  to 
want  any  thing  if  he  can  by  any  means  procure  it  : 
indeed  it  was  never  known  to  be  so  far  out  of 
reparations,  that  it  needed  the  assistance  of  caudle, 
aleberry,  julep,  cullis,  gruel,  or  stewd-broth,  only  a 
mess  of  plain  frugal  country  pottage  was  always 
sufficient  for  him,  though  it  were  but  a  washing-bowl 
full,  of  the  quantity  of  two  pecks,  which  pottenger 
of  his,  I  my  self  saw  at  the  sign  of  the  white  Lion 
at  a  village  called  Harrisom,  in  Kent,  the  Hostess 
of  which  house  did  affirm,  that  he  did  at  once  wash 
down  that  bowl  full  of  pottage,  with  nine  penny 
loaves  of  bread,  and  three  jugs  of  beer. 

Indeed,  in  my  presence  (after  he  had  broken  his 
fast)  having  (as  he  said)  eaten  one  pottle  of  milk, 
one  pottle  of  pottage,  with  bread,  butter,  and  cheese  : 
1  then  sent  for  him,  to  the  aforesaid  Inn,  and  after 
some  accommodated  salutations,  I  asked  him  if  he 
could  eat  anything  ?  He  gave  me  thanks,  and  said, 
if  he  had  known,  that  any  gentleman  would  have 


14  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

invited  him,  that  he  would  have  spared  his  breakfast 
at  home,  (and  with  that  he  told  me  as  aforesaid, 
what  he  had  eaten)  yet  nevertheless  (to  do  me  a 
courtesy)  he  would  shew  me  some  small  cast  of  his 
office,  for  he  had  one  hole  or  corner  in  the  profundity 
of  his  store-house,  into  which  he  would  stow  or  be- 
stow any  thing  that  the  house  would  afford,  at  his 
peril  and  my  cost.  Whereupon  I  summoned  my 
Hostess  with  three  knocks  upon  the  table,  two 
stamps  on  the  floor  with  my  fist  and  foot,  at  which 
she  made  her  personal  appearance  with  a  low  curtsy, 
and  inquisitive  What  lack  ye  ?  I  presently  laid  the 
authority  of  a  bold  guest  upon  her,  commanding  that 
all  the  victuals  in  the  house  should  be  laid  on  the 
table.  She  said,  she  was  but  slenderly  provided,  by 
reason  goodman  Wood  was  there,  but  what  she  had, 
or  could  do,  we  should  presently  have  :  so  the  cloth 
was  displayed,  the  salt  was  advanc'd,  six  penny 
wheaten  loaves  were  mounted  two  stories  high  like 
a  rampier,  three  sixpenny  veal  pies,  wall'd  stifly 
about,  and  well  victual'd  within,  were  presented  to 
the  hazard  of  the  Scalado,  one  pound  of  sweet  butter 
(being  all  fat  and  no  bones)  was  in  a  cold  sweat  at 
this  mighty  preparation,  one  good  dish  of  thornback, 
white  as  Alabaster  or  the  snow  upon  the  Scithian 
mountains,  and  in  the  rear  came  up  an  inch  thick 
shiver  of  a  peck  household  loaf ;  all  which  provision 
were  presently,  in  the  space  of  an  hour  utterly  con- 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  15 

founded,  and  brought  to  nothing,  by  the  mere  and 
only  valourous  dexterity  of  our  unmatchable  grand 
Gormand.  He  courageously  pass'd  the  pikes,  and 
I  cleared  the  shot,  but  the  house  yielded  no  more,  so 
that  my  guest  arose  unsatisfied,  and  myself  dis- 
contented in  being  thrifty  and  saving  my  money 
against  my  will. 

I  did  there  offer  him  twenty  ^hillings  to  bring 
him  up  to  me  to  my  house  on  the  Bankside,  and 
there  I  would  have  given  him  as  much  good  meat, 
as  he  would  eat  in  ten  days,  one  after  another,  and 
five  shillings  a  day  every  day,  and  at  the  ten  days 
end,  twenty  shillings  more,  to  bring  him  down  again. 
I  did  also  offer  ten  shillings  to  one  Jeremy  Robinson 
a  glover  (a  man  very  inward  with  him)  to  attend 
and  keep  him  company,  and  two  shillings  sixpence 
the  day,  with  good  diet  and  lodging  :  all  which  were 
once  accepted,  until  Wood  began  to  ruminate  and 
examine  what  service  he  was  to  do,  for  these  large 
allowances.  Now  my  plot  was  to  have  him  to  the 
Bear-garden,  and  there  before  a  house  full  of  people, 
he  should  have  eaten  a  wheel-barrow  full  of  tripes, 
and  the  next  day,  as  many  puddings  as  should 
reach  over  the  Thames  (at  a  place  which  I  would 
measure  betwixt  London  and  Richmond)  the  third 
day,  I  would  have  allowed  him  a  fat  calf,  or  sheep 
of  twenty  shillings  price,  and  the  fourth  day  he 
should  have  had  thirty  sheeps  gathers,*  thus  from 

*SHEEPS  GATHERS — i.e.,  the  pluck. 


1 6  The  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 

day  to  day  he  should  have  had  wages  and  diet  with 
variety  ;  but  he  fearing  that  which  his  merits  would 
amount  unto,  brake  off  the  match,  saying,  that  per- 
haps when  his  Grace,  (I  guess  who  he  meant) 
should  hear  of  one  that  ate  so  much,  and  could 
work  so  little,  he  doubted  there  would  come  a  com- 
mand to  hang  him  :  whereupon  our  hopeful  Bear- 
garden business  was  shivered,  and  shattered  in 
pieces. 

Indeed  he  made  a  doubt  of  his  expected  per- 
formance in  his  quality,  by  reason  of  his  being 
grown  in  years,  so  that  if  his  stomach  should  fail 
him  publicly,  and  lay  his  reputation  in  the  mire,  it 
might  have  been  a  disparagement  to  him  for  ever, 
and  especially  in  Kent,  where  he  hath  long  been 
famous,  he  would  be  loth  to  be  defamed ;  but  as 
weak  as  he  was,  he  said,  that  he  could  make  a  shift 
to  destroy  a  fat  wether  of  a  pound*  in  two  hours, 
provided  that  it  were  tenderly  boiled,  for  he  hath 
lost  all  his  teeth  (except  one)  in  eating  a  quarter  of 
mutton,  (bones  and  all)  at  Ashford  in  the  County 
aforesaid,  yet  is  he  very  quick  and  nimble  in  his 
feeding,  and  will  rid  more  eating  work  away  in  two 
hours,  than  ten  of  the  hungriest  carters  in  the  parish 
where  he  dwells.  He  is  surely  noble  (for  his  great 
stomach)  and  virtuous,  chiefly  for  his  patience  in 
putting  up  much  ;  moreover  he  is  thrifty  or  frugal, 

*A  POUND — i.e.,  twenty  shillings. 


The  Great  Eater  of  Kent.  1 7 

for  when  he  can  get  no  better  meat,  he  will  eat  ox 
livers,  or  a  mess  of  warm  ale-grains  from  a  brew- 
house.  He  is  provident  and  studious  where  to  get 
more  provision  as  soon  as  all  is  spent,  and  yet  he  is 
bountiful  or  prodigal  in  spending  all  he  hath  at 
once  :  he  is  profitable  in  keeping  bread  and  meat 
from  mould  and  maggots,  and  saving  the  charge  of 
salt,  for  his  appetite  will  not  wait  and  attend  the 
poudering* ;  his  courtesy  is  manifest,  for  he  had 
rather  have  one  Farewell  than  twenty  goodbyes  : 
of  all  things,  he  hold  fasting  to  be  a  most  super- 
stitious branch  of  Popery,  he  is  a  main  enemy  to 
Emberweeks,  he  hates  Lent  worse  than  a  butcher 
or  a  Puritan,  and  the  name  of  Good-Friday  affrights 
him  like  a  bulbeggar;  a  long  Grace  before  meat, 
strikes  him  into  a  quotidian  ague  ;  in  a  word,  he 
could  wish  that  Christmas  would  dwell  with  us  all 
the  year,  or  that  every  day  were  metamorphosed 
into  Shrove-Tuesdays  ;  in  brief,  he  is  a  magazine,  a 
store-house,  a  receptacle,  a  burse,  or  exchange,  a 
babel  or  confusion  for  all  creatures. 

He  is  no  gamester,  neither  at  dice,  or  cards,  yet 
there  is  not  any  man  within  forty  miles  of  his  head, 
that  can  play  with  him  at  Maw,  and  though  his 
pasture  be  ever  so  good,  he  is  always  like  one  of 
Pharaohs  lean  kine ;  he  is  swarty,  blackish  hair, 
hawknosed  (like  a  parrot,  or  a  Roman)  x  he  is  wattle- 

*POUDERING — To  salt  or  spice  meat. 


i8 


TJie  Great  Eater  of  Kent. 


jawed,  and  his  eyes  are  sunk  inward,  as  if  he  looked 
into  the  inside  of  his  entrails,  to  note  what  customed 
or  uncustomed  goods  he  took  in,  whilst  his  belly 
(like  a  mainsail  in  a  calm)  hangs  ruffled  and  wrinkled 
(in  folds  and  wrathes)  flat  to  the  mast  of  his  empty 
carcase,  till  the  storm  of  abundance  fills  it,  and 
violently  drives  it  into  the  full  sea  of  satisfaction. 


JIKE  as  a  River  to  the  Ocean  bounds, 

Or  as  a  Garden  to  all   Britains  grounds, 
Or  like  a  candle  to  a  flaming  link 
Or  as  a  single  ace,  unto  Sife  Cinque, 
So  short  am  I  of  what  Nick  Wood  hath  done, 
That  having  ended,  I  have  scarce  begun  : 
For  I  have  written  but  a  taste  in  this, 
To  show  my  Readers  where,  and  what  he  his. 


FINIS. 


THE 


LAMENTABLE 

C  O  M  P  LA  I  N  T  S 

OP 

Hop   the    Brewer 


AND 


Kilcalfe  the  Butcher, 


As     they      met     by      chance    in    the     Cotm- 

trey,  against  the  restraint  lately  set  out  by  the 

Parliament,  against  Tapsters  and  Cookes:  which 

hath  caused  them  to  cracke  their  credit,  and 

to  betake  them  to  their  heeles. 


Printed  in  the  Yeare  1641, 


THE  LAMENTABLE   COMPLAINTS  OF 

HOP  THE   BREWER  AND  KILCALF 

THE  BUTCHER. 


Hop. 

| HAT  neighbour  Kilcalf,  who  would  have 
thought  to  meet  you  here,  what  good 
news  is  there  stirring  in  London  I  pray 
can  you  tell  ? 

Kilcalf.   News    Mr.    Hop,    there    is   great 
store  such  as  it  is,  but  none  I  am  sure  that  is 
good  for  you  or  me. 

Hop.  I  hope  Mr.  Kilcalf  there  is  none  will 
prove  hurtful  to  us. 

Kilcal.  Yes  truly  neighour  there  is  ill  news  for 
us. 

Hop.  I  pray  my  good  friend  let  me  hear  all  the 
news  whatsoever  it  be. 

Kilcal.  Why  ?  I  will  tell  you,  Sir,  since  you 
are  so  inquisitive  :  There  is  A- Bell  (and  one  of  the 
greatest  in  the  Town)  lately  fallen  from  Aldermary 
Church,  and  some  say  it  is  burst  all  in  pieces. 


2  The  Complaints  of  Hop  the  Brewer 

Hop.  Well  Sir  what  can  this  hurt  you  or  me  ? 
but  say  this  Bell  be  broke,  it  may  be  new  cast  and 
hanged  and  all  will  be  well  again. 

Kilcal.  Very  right  Sir,  and  this  may  be  done 
with  little  charge,  and  besides  there  are  ropes 
provided  already;  there  are  three  generous  Vintners 
in  the  Parish  that  have  promised  to  defray  the 
whole  charge. 

Hop.  The  Vintners  may  afford  it  neighbour,  I 
hear  they  pay  no  Tunnage  now  the  wine  Patent  is 
put  down,  but  pray  what  is  the  news  you  speak  off  ? 

Kilcal.  Why,  have  you  not  heard  of  the 
restraint  that  was  lately  set  forth  by  the  Parliament, 
whereby  all  Cooks  and  Tapsters  and  many  other 
professions  are  forbidden  to  dress  meat  and  draw 
drink  on  Sundays  ? 

Hop.  Indeed  I  have  heard  that  some  such 
thing  was  intended,  but  I  never  heard  that  it  was  in 
black  and  white  until  this  hour,  I  hope  there  is  no 
such  thing,  is  there  neighbour,  are  you  sure  ? 

Kilcal.  Sure  say  you  !  Am  I  sure  that  ever  I 
knocked  down  an  ox  and  cut  his  throat  on  a  Sunday 
morning  think  you  ?  s'foot  shall  I  not  believe  my 
own  eyes  ? 

Hop.  I  would  they  had  been  out,  so  thou 
hadst  not  lived  to  see  this  chance. 

Kit.  Nay  now  neighbour  I  must  tell  you,  you 
are  some  what  too  bitter,  did  you  not  promise  to 


and  Kilcalf  the  Butcher.  3 

hear  me  whatsoever  it  were,  and  seeing  you  are  so 
hot,  farewell. 

Hop.  Nay  good  neighbour  stay,  I  cry  thee 
heartily  mercy,  it  was  my  passion  which  made  me  so 
much  forget  myself,  but  if  this  be  true. 

Kil.   If  me  no  if  s,  tis  true  as  I  tell  you. 

Hop.  Why  then  what  will  become  of  us  ? 

Kil.  Truly  I  know  hot,  we  must  e'en  shut  up 
our  doors,  and  never  so  much  as  take  leave  of  our 
Landlords. 

Hop.  As  I  am  an  honest  man,  you  and  I  are 
both  of  a  mind,  you  have  spoke  my  own  thoughts, 
for  I  am  sure  if  I  tarry  till  quarter  day,  my  Land- 
lord will  provide  me  a  house  gratis,  I  should  be 
very  unwilling  to  accept  of  his  kindness,  and  he  to 
my  knowledge  was  always  very  forward  to  do  such 
a  curtesy  to  the  worst  debtor  he  had. 

Kil.  Truly  Master  Hop,  I  am  not  so  much 
engaged  to  my  Land-lord  for  his  love,  as  you  to 
yours ;  but  this  I  am  sure  there  is  a  Grazier  dwelling 
in  this  part  that  hath  my  hand  (down  upon  a  piece 
of  sheepskin)  not  for  my  honesty,  but  for  some 
certain  money  which  I  owe  him,  and  if  I  do  not 
wisely  prevent  him,  I  know  not  which  of  the 
Counters  I  am  like  to  keep  my  Christmas  in. 

Hop.  I  pray  Master  Kilcaljcaxi  you  prevent  him? 

Kil.  Why,  I'll  show  him  the  bag,  I'll  run  man, 
dost  understand  me  ? 


4  The  Complaints  of  Hop  the  Brewer- 

Hop.  Yes  very  well,  but  I  believe  that  he  had 
rather  you  would  show  him  his  money,  and  then  he 
would  understand  you. 

Kil.  But  by  his  favour  he  shall  not  understand, 
nor  stand  under  any  money  of  mine  if  I  can  keep  it 
from  him. 

Hop.  But  I  pray  tell  me,  how  came  you  so 
much  in  debt  ?  did  you  use  to  trust  your  customers 
for  your  meat  ?  I  beleive  you  dealt  with  them  for 
ready  money,  did  you  not  ? 

Kil.  Truly  Sir  I  was  forced  to  trust  some 
times  when  my  customers  had  not  money  to  pay 
me  :  There  was  one  master  Rule  roast  a  Cook  that 
owed  me  almost  one  hundred  pounds,  who  no 
sooner  heard  of  this  strict  command  against  selling 
of  meat  on  Sundays,  but  he  hanged  a  padlock  on 
the  door  and  away  went  Pilgarlick.  I  cannot  hear 
of  my  Gentleman  since  his  departure,  nor  do  I  ever 
look  to  receive  my  money  now. 
Hop,  Now,  why  not  now  ? 
Kil.  Because  I  do  never  look  to  see  him 
again,  but  put  the  case  he  should  ever  come  again, 
he  would  never  be  able  to  pay  me  without  he  were 
suffered  to  sell  meat  on  Sundays  in  service 
time. 

Hop.  Why  ?  is  it  impossible  for  Cooks  to  get 
money  on  the  week  days  ?  I  know  no  reason  but 
why  they  may  as  well  as  on  the  Sundays. 


and  Kilcalf  the  Butcher.  5 

Kil.  Yes  Sir,  tis  very  possible,  but  I  will  tell 
you  what  I  have  observed  in  some  of  these  Cooks. 
You  should  have  a  Cook  that  upon  Sundays  would 
dress  twice  so  much  meat  as  upon  any  other  day, 
and  sell  it  three  times  as  dear ;  for  Sir  his  door 
shall  stand  open  all  the  service  time,  and  any  body 
may  be  suffered  to  come  in  (the  Church  wardens 
excepted)  and  he  that  calls  for  any  of  his  roasted 
beef,  hath  it  weighed  to  him  by  the  ounce,  or  at 
least  one  would  think  it  so  by  the  thin  slices,  which 
he  with  much  policy  carveth  from  the  spit ;  and  so 
by  this  his  policy  he  will  make  you  eighteen  pence 
of  that  which  (on  any  other  day)  he  would  take 
eight  pence  for,  and  greet  you  with  a  welcome 
into  the  bargain,  but  those  days  are  now  past  and 
therefore  I  despair  of  ever  seeing  my  money. 

Hop.  I  am  just  in  your  case,  did  you  not  know 
Nick  Froth  the  Tapster  at  the  Bell  ?  he  was  a  man 
that  used  his  customers  as  your  Cook  used  his,  for 
in  service  time  on  Sundays  you  should  have  him 
draw  his  beer  out  at  a  penny  a  demi  can,  or  a  half 
pint;  besides  the  witty  knave  had  an  excellent  faculty 
in  frothing,  he  would  get  as  much  in  drawing  half  a 
barrel  on  a  Sunday  as  he  should  by  a  whole  barrel 
on  any  other  day ;  and  for  his  Indian  smoke  he  sold 
that  as  dear  as  Apothecaries  do  their  Ambergreece  : 
I  seeing  him  in  this  hopeful  thriving  way,  trusted 
him  with  a  hundred  and  fifty  barrels  of  Beer,  in 


6          The  Complaints  of  Hop  the  Brewer,  &c. 

hope  (though)  I  should  have  had  my  money 
before  this  time,  but  he  being  debarred  of  this 
privilege,  I  utterly  despair  of  payment,  and  so  by 
this  and  many  others  such  like  debtors  I  am  like  to 
be  undone,  and  therefore  I'll  not  stay  in  England. 

Kit.  Then  let  us  both  return  to  London  and 
gather  up  as  many  of  our  debts  as  we  can,  to  bear 
our  charges  in  our  journey.  If  we  can  but  once  get 
cross  the  great  pond,  we  may  with  confidence 
outface  our  Creditors,  our  days  of  payment  draw 
near,  therefore  let  us  make  good  use  of  our  time  that 
we  have  to  tarry. 


Come  le£s  away,  and  if  the  wind  sit  right, 
We  II  be  at  Dover  by  to  morrow  at  night. 


FINIS. 


THF 

COVNTRY-MANS 

CARE, 

And  the  Citizens  Feare 

In    bringing    up    their    Children 
in  good  Education. 

Set    forth    in    a    Dialogue    betweene    a 
Citizen  and  Country- Man. 

Citizen.  Country  Man. 


Printed  at  London  for  T.B.     1641. 


THE    COUNTRYMAN'S  CARE   AND  THE 
CITIZEN'S  FEAR 

IN    THESE    DANGEROUS    AND    TROUBLESOME    TIMES. 


Citizen. 

LL  met  Countryman,  what  is  the  best 
news  that  the  Country  doth  afford  at 
this  time  ? 

Count.  Alas  sir  ?  I  wonder  you 
should  so  earnestly  enquire  news  of  me,  that 
live  in  the  Country,  whenas  we  receive  all 
our  news  from  you.  I  confess,  you  did  prevent  me, 
therefore  I  pray,  what  is  the  best  news  in  the  City  ? 
Citiz.  Alas !  the  ambiguous  rotation  of  the 
World  is  very  mutable,  nothing  is  constant,  nothing 
durable,  but  all  things  do  precipitate  themselves 
most  strangely  in  a  mutual  levity. 

Count.  This   news  is  hard  indeed  :    for   I   did 
expect  better  in  regard  that  I  have  a  Son,  truly  a 


2  The  Country  mans  Care  and 

.pretty  scholar  (as  his  Master  tells  me)  and  of  a 
hopeful  expectation,  whose  preferment  I  intend  to 
raise  (God  willing).  Therefore  I  beseech  you  (if 
you  can)  instruct  me,  what  way  I  may  settle  him  in. 

Citiz.  What  can  he  understand  the  Latin 
tongue  or  how  far  hath  he  proceeded  therein  ? 

Count.  Truly  sir  he  is  past  his  Propribus  qutc 
maribus  and  his  Asse  in  prcesentibus  too  I'll  assure 
you  ;  yea,  and  he  can  read  any  Chapter  in  the  Bible 
very  punctifully,  and  withal  he  hath  read  to  Master 
Practise  on  the  Piety,  and  many  other  Godly  books 
I  thank  God  for  it,  who  hath  endued  him  with  so 
much  grace  :  Therefore  because  he  is  come  to  some 
knowledge  now,  I  would  willingly  bring  him  up 
to  some  Scholar-ship  :  what  think  you  Sir,  if  I 
should  send  him  to  the  University  ? 

Citiz.  Sir  I  commend  your  sedulity  herein  :  but 
I  have  often  heard,  and  withal  I  know  by 
experience,  that  the  University  is  much  polluted, 
and  contaminated  with  Popish  superstitions,  which  if 
your  son  should  be  seduced  into,  perhaps  it  will 
cause  both  his  utter  ruin,  and  your  perpetual  sorrow. 

Count.  Is  it  possible  that  the  University 
should  be  corrupt  ?  'Tis  no  marvel  then  that  the 
whole  kingdom  is  misled,  since  the  very  fountains 
themselves  are  polluted. 

Citiz.  I  Exhort  you  as  a  friend  ;  and  I  hope 
you  will  not  contemn  my  friendly  admonition. 


the  Citizen's  Fear.  3 

Count.  But  my  Son  may  avoid  their  crafty 
allurements,  and  if  he  then  uncessantly  follow  his 
study,  he  may  one  day  prove  a  Minister  of  Gods  word. 

Citiz.  Pish,  a  minister  of  Gods  word  quother  ! 
Now  a  days  every  man  will  become  a  Minister  : 
therefore  it  will  be  but  vanity  for  you  to  send  your 
son  thither  to  attain  to  the  Sacerdotal  function. 

Count.  But  dare  every  man  presume  so  far 
without  learning  : 

Citiz.  That  is  the  chief  cause  thereof :  for 
learning  is  abused,  contemned,  derided,  neglected, 
despised  :  they  will  have  no  praying,  nor  preaching, 
unless  it  be  performed  by  instinct  and  inspiration,  as 
the  spirit  moves  them.  And  if  a  man  heaps  up 
knowledge,  and  Scholar-ship  by  indefatigable  study, 
he  is  thought  to  have  filled  his  mind  only  with  more 
advantage  to  do  wickedness. 

Count.   Oh  lamentable  ! 

Citiz.  Yea  you  may  see  Cobblers  and  Tinkers 
rising  from  the  very  Dunghill,  beating  the  Pulpits 
as  conformably,  as  if  they  were  the  Kings  professors 
of  Divinity,  scattering  their  new  doctrine  and 
discipline  in  the  Church,  and  are  accounted  great 
divines  too  of  the  vulgar.  Here  you  shall  see  one 
making  himself  a  Prophet  preaching  in  a  Tub  as  con- 
fidently as  if  he  were  Doctor  in  Divinity.  There  you 
shall  see  another  thumping  forth  his  new  doctrine  in 
a  Barn  among  his  conniticles  (I  should  have  said) 


4  The  Countryman  s  Care  and 

conventicles,  as  if  he  were  Master  of  Arts.  In  the 
meanwhile  revolve  all,  and  you  shall  find  Scholar- 
ship most  shamefully  despised. 

Count.  But  if  he  diligently  continue  in  his 
study,  God  knows  but  that  he  may  one  day  become 
a  Bishop. 

Citiz.  How  ?  a  Bishop?  alas  !  I  fear  there  will 
be  no  more  of  that  dignity  :  for  the  general  assent 
and  consent  too  of  the  Commons  will  admit  of  no 
Bishops  :  and  they  must  all  very  shortly  resign  their 
Titles,  which  shall  be  abrogated.  Your  son  shall 
never  be  Arch- Bishop  I'll  warrant  you  :  and  if  you 
intend  to  make  a  Divine  of  him,  he  must  have  a 
great  care  least  the  Arch- Bishop  do  not  cut  off  his 
ears.  But  I  will  free  you  from  that  fear,  for  I  tell 
once  again  that  there  will  be  no  more  Bishops  :  Yet 
if  it  seems  more  just,  and  secure,  that  the  holy 
Church  should  admit  a  degree  of  less,  and  greater, 
they  will  have  no  Bishops,  but  only  Lay- Elders  :  to 
the  election  of  which  dignity,  they  judge  and 
suppose  none  more  fit,  and  none  more  prepared  for 
the  performance  of  everything,  belonging  to  Gods 
word  than  those  venerable,  and  reverend  Fathers 
Master  Cobbler,  Tinker,  and  Button-maker,  men 
(although  but  of  mean  Scholar-ship)  yet  most 
wonderfully  inspired.  Therefore  I  think  it  mere 
vanity  for  you,  to  bring  your  son  up  to  be  a 
Scholar, 


the  Citizen  s  Fear.  5 

Count.  Alas  !  then  what  shall  I  do  ?  unless  I 
should  put  him  to  the  Inns  a  Court. 

Citiz.  So  you'll  make  a  young  Suckling  of  him, 
and  then  he'll  run  away. 

Count.  But  I  intend  to  make  him  a  Lawyer. 

Citiz.  Alas  the  Star-Chamber,  and  High-Com- 
mission Court  is  down  long  agone  :  and  he  must  be 
as  busy  as  a  Ducke,  or  else  he  will  lose  preferment. 
For  Lawyers  are  not  respected,  neither  are  they 
accounted  Honest,  because  they  sell  their  lines 
dearer  the  Apothecaries  Physics,  which  I  confess  is 
dear  enough,  yet  nothing  comparable  to  the  price  of 
their  lines,  which  gape  wider  then  an  Oyster-wifes 
mouth,  and  straddle  wider  then  a  French-man's  legs 
Fie,  fie  !  Lawyers  are  accounted  Knaves  over  all 
the  Country. 

Count.  Tis  strange  !  For  I'm  sure  they  have 
more  Angels  come  hourly  to  them  in  Term  time, 
then  all  the  Puritans  in  the  Town. 

Citiz.  But  here  lies  the  difference :  their  Angels 
do  wear  crosses  :  and  because  the  Puritans  will 
admit  of  no  cross,  therefore  they  hate  the  Lawyers 
the  more,  because  they  are  so  ready  to  receive  them. 

Count.  And  there  is  none  of  their  whole  Tribe, 
that  will  deny  such  crosses,  I'll  warrant  you. 

Citiz.  But  Lawyers  are  so  little  regarded  now  a 
days  that  I  fear  before  they  can  procure  other  men's 
Suits  at  Law,  they'll  want  Suits  to  their  own  Backs. 


6  The  Countryman  s  Care  and 

Count.  But  perhaps  he  may  come  to  the 
honour  of  a  Judge  one  day. 

Citiz.  I  hope  you  do  not  desire  to  have  your 
Son  hang'd.  That's  a  dangerous  title  I'll  assure 
you  :  Did  you  not  hear  that  most  of  the  Judges  are 
to  be  judged  under  other  Judges,  yea  and  they'll 
hardly  escape  hanging  too,  unless  they  give  ample 
satisfaction  to  the  Parliament :  for  they  are  acknow- 
ledged to  be  the  Original  of  all  our  grievances. 
Therefore  if  you  be  wise  desist  from  that  opinion. 

Count.  Alas !  What  education  shall  I  then 
impose  upon  my  Son  ?  Since  all  these  grounds  of 
hope  hath  deceived  me.  What  think  you  Sir,  if  I 
train  him  up  to  be  a  Soldier  ? 

Citiz.  He  must  swear  lustily  then  :  and  brag 
of  many  things  with  ostentation,  although  he  can 
perform  nothing.  But  stay !  Now  I  think  on  it  : 
Perhaps  he  may  be  suspected  to  be  some  Trooper ;) 
for  they  say  the  Country  is  very  full  of  them)  then 
apprehended  and  so  incontinently  committed  only 
upon  suspicion. 

Count.  You  say  true  indeed  Sir  :  Therefore  I 
know  not  what  course  to  take  with  him.  I  entreat 
you  Sir  to  lend  me  your  advice. 

Citiz.  If  the  Lad  be  so  hopeful,  as  you  declare 
him  to  be  :  I  care  not  greatly  if  I  take  him  under 
my  Tuition,  and  if  you  please  to  condescend  there 
unto,  he  shall  be  my  Apprentice,  and  I'll  assure 


the  Citizen! s  Fear.  7 

you  for  your  sake  he  shall  be  both  kindly  kept,  and 
religiously  instructed. 

Count.  I  humbly  thank  you  for  your  love, 
wherefore  I  acknowledge  my  self  much  engaged  to 
you  :  But  I  pray  what  trade  are  you  off  Sir  ; 

Citiz.   I  am  a  Vintner  by  my  Trade. 

Count.  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  of  that :  and  if 
my  Son  be  wise  enough,  but  to  take  forty  Shilling  a 
Tun,  he  may  prove  an  Alderman  too.  Well  Sir,  I 
am  much  obliged  unto  you,  for  your  love  unto  him, 
and  I  will  bring  him  unto  you,  and  if  you  like  his 
morality  and  ingenuity,  I  will  willingly  send  him 
unto  you. 

Citiz.    He  shall  be    most  lovingly  respected. 

Count.  Thanks  Noble  Sir ;  In  the  meanwhile 
farewell. 

FINIS. 


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