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I 



UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN 
GENERAL LIBRARY 




GALEN C. HARTMAN 
LIBRARY FUND 



Wit AND Humor 

4^ 



OF THE AGEss rrir: » 

coMmiswa 

^^r. Humor. P^'^"^^ ^'°'°^^ 

SATIRES, DIALtOTS, PUNS. 

« 

CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES, CHARADES, 

I 

JOKES AND MAGIC 
wr 

Mark Twain, Robt. J. Burdbttb» 

Josh Bilunqs, Alex. Swbbt, 

Eu Perkins, 

WITH 

THE PHILOSOPHY OF WIT AND HUMOR 

BY 

Melvillb D. Landon, A.M. 



lllttdtrateb* 



STAR PUBLISHING COMPANY, 

CHICAGO 



PA/ . 

(p\(p\ S€MXkG Readers of TJbia Voicuixe. 



,^, <5<J-^^^^r- 




/ 



<;& M 





vf^cCt^AtuuJ/in<^ 




CLuuuv^^Jil^ ^^ 



<uxOi 




Copyrfffht 1S8S by U W. Tftc«7< 
Copyrlsht 1901 by IL W. P&ttoa. 






/ ' 



CONTENTS. 



HUMOR 9 

WIT... 80 

PATHOS 137 

WIT OF TRUTH 167 

WIT OF EXAGGERATION 179 

SATIRE AND RIDICULE 217 

REPARTEE 261 

BULLS, BLUNDERS AND PARADOX 266 

IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS 278 

SCHOLASTIC WIT 288 

CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR 307 

LAWYERS' WIT AND HUMOR 966 

DOCTORS' WIT AND HUMOR 425 

POLITICAL WIT ! 499 

TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES 461 

IRISH WIT 486 

NEGRO WIT 506 

DUTCH WIT 525 

WOMEN'S PATHOS AND HUMOR 547 

CHILDREN'S WIT AND BLUNDERS 569 

RAILROAD JOKES AND ANECDOTES 616 

DRAMATIC WIT 633 

MILITARY WIT ...639 

GREAT MEN— ANECDOTES OF .656 

FUNNY LOVE STORIES 685 

PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 708 

. CHARADES, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES 724 

JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIC 742 




4^ 




HUMOR 



Fhfloibphy ol Wit and Humor Bxplaliwd. 

Mahille D. Landon, A. M 

What is wit and humor? 

Thii is a question often asked, but it has never been tnil? 
answered. Humor is always the absolute truth, while wit in 
always an exa^eration. Humor occurs, while wit is the pure 
fancy or imagination of the writer. Wit and humor are often 
used as synonymous, but they are really at antipodes. Humor- 
ous writings are absolutely true descriptions of scenes and 
incidents really occurring, while witty writings are purely 
fanciful descriptions of scenes and incidents which only occur 
in the mind of the ^rriter. To illustrate : Dickens was the 
King of the Humorists, but his writings are, in almost everv 
instance, true descriptions of scenes and incidents which really 
occurred. The stories of "Little Nell," and "Smike," amt 
" Oliver Twist " are true to life, for they were real living char- 
acters. Bret Harte's " Luck of Roaring Camp " is another bit 
of pure humor — absolute truth. To illustrate the differfnre 
between wit and humor Mark Twain wrote a chapter on build- 
ing tunnels out in Nevada. He described the miners truth- 
fully, and as close to life as Dickens described Pickwick or 
Fagin or Bill Sykes. He went on with pure humor — pure 
truth — for four or five pages. But soon his humor blossomed 
into wit. He departed from his truthful description and began 
to exaggerate. He began to describe a miner who thought a 



10 WIT AND HUIIOB. 

good deal of his tunnel. They all told him that he had bettei 
stop his tunnel when he got through the hill, but the miner 
said it was his tunnel and he would run it as far as he wanted 
to, so he continued his tunnel right on over the valley into the 
next hill. You who can picture to yourselves this hole in the 
sky held up by trestlework will see where the humor leaves oii 
and the wit begins. 

So I say the humorist always takes some pleasant scene and 
describes it close to life, while the wit takes that same scene 
and exaggerates it. The humorist describes an ordinary scene 
like cording a bedstead or putting up a stovepipe. If he does 
it truthftiUy it will be humor. If he sits down and thinks, — 
thinks, cogitates, and adds a thousand imaginary incidents to 
these scenes-multipUes them by twenty, it wiU be wit You 
do not laugh at pure humor. Yon enjoy it ; yon say how truth* 
fully the writer has described a certain scene, what a master 
he is, btit you do not laugh ; but when the wit comes with his 
exaggerations, with his imagination added to the troth, then 
you laugh outright 

The humorous artists do not produce laughter. The best 
they can do is to paint a humorous object just as it is. Laugh- 
ter only comes with the witty caricaturist who exaggerates 
some feature. To illustrate : A humorous artist can paint a 
picture of a mule — a patient mule. A mule is patient be- 
cause he is ashamed of himself. And if he paints that mule 
true to life, you will not laugh. You will say : " What a splen- 
did picture of a mulo I ^ ^^ What a master is he who can paint 
a mule so close to life ! ^ Why, I saw a mule painted in 
St Petersburg, by that great animal painter, Schryer, which 
«old for $15,000. A single mule eating a lock of hay, while 
the original mule from which he painted it could be bought for 
$1.30 1 Now, the people did not laugh at that mule. They 
stood in front of it almost as religiously as they stand before a 
Greek Madonna. They said : " What a great master is 
Schiyer I " But another artist, a witty artist, painted that same 



HUIIOB. 11 

mule as troihfhny as Schryer did, then, like the witty writers, 
he oommenced to exaggerate it. He ran one of his ears np 
through the trees, and the chickens were — roosting on it! 
He spread the other ear around on the ground, and the boys 
were — skating on it ! Then he set that mule to kicking. He 
nude him seem to kick a thousand times a minute. Now, no 
mule can kick over seven, or eight, or nine hundred time» a 
minute. The people all laughed at the exaggerated mule, but 
not at the true mule. 

So, I say, the caricaturists like John Leech and Oruikshanks 
are wits, while the true artist like Schryer can never be any* 
thing but a humorist, as long as he sticks to the absolute truth. 

Irony, satire and ridicule are a species of wit, because they 
are all untrue. The ironical Antony says : 

^^ Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest, 
{I^or Brutus is am, honorable man).^ 

Antony's statement every Boman knew to be untma It 
was wit — the wit of Ridicule. 

^' Eidicule '' is the strong weapon of the lawyer. To ridicule 
an opposing lawyer's serious speech, you have simply to ex 
aggerate it So ridicule is simply exaggeration. It is simply 
deformed truth, or lying. Take pure pathos anytime and 
multiply it by twenty, exaggerate it, and it becomes wit II 
one lawyer makes a pathetic speech, and a true speech, the 
only way to ruin its effect on a jury is to ndicule it For 
instance, I heard a lawyer trying to win the sympathy of the 
jnry for his clien^ It was a homicide case. A man had killed 
his best friend in a moment of anger : 

"Oh, my client ielt so bad when he killed his friend," began 
die lawyer, ^'for he loved that friend as he did a brother. 
And when in a fit of passion he struck him, it broke his own 
heart When he saw that friend fall down, he knelt down by 
his expiring form. His tears fell down on the face of his dead 
friend, and a feeling of remorse broke his heart." 

Well* he won the sympathy of the juiy, for what he said 



12 WIT AND HinCOR. 

was true. Now, the opposiog lawyer was not foolish enough 
to deny- these statements. He would not impeach his own 
veracity before the jury by doing so. So nothing was left but 
to ridicule them, which he did in this manner : 

" Yes," he began in weeping tones. " Yes, he did feel bad 
when he killed his friend. The tears did roll down his cheeks. 
Rolled clear down into his boots. Then he took off one boot 
and emptied it. Then he cried some more. Then he took 
oS his other boot. Then he tied his handkerchief around his 
trousers. Cried 'em full. Bohoo! Bohoo!" 

When he got through with his, mock pathos the jury were 
all laughing, and the effect of the solemn speech was ruined. 
Not only that, but whenever during the trial the grief of the 
murderer was referred to by the opposing counsel, it invaria- 
bly brought a laugh of derision throiighout the court-room. 

Any scene or incident in real life, if described truthfully, 
will be humor. Take the simple scene of two married women 
taking leave of each other at the gate on a mild evening and 
describe it truthfully, and it will be humor. To illustrate, two 
women shake hands and kiss each other over the gate, and then 
commences the conversation: — 

" Good-by !'' 

" Good-by ! Come down and see us soon." 

'Twill. Good-by r 

" Good-by ! Don't forget to come soon." 

" No, I won't. Don't you forget to come up." 

"I won't. Be sure and bring Sarah Jane with you next 
time." 

"I will. I'd have brought her this time, but she wasn't 
very well. She wanted to come awfully." 

" Did she, now ? That was too bad ! Be sure and bring 
her next time." 

" T will. And you be sure and bring baby." 

" I will. I forgot to tell you that he's cut another tooth." 

'* You don't say so ! How many has he now ?" 

** Pive. It makes him awfully cross." 

"I dare say it does this hot weather." 

** Well, good-by ! Don't forget to come down." 

** No, I won't. Don't you forget to come up. Good-by P 



HUMOB. 18 

" 6ood-by ! " {very loud.) » 

The above simple dialogue is pare humor. The same tanth- 
ml dialogue, if it ended in a point, might be wit. In one of 
my Saratoga letters I gave this dialogue ending in a point : 

A New Yorker was introduced to a Cleveland gentleman to* 
^y, and not hearing his name distinctly, remarked : 

** I beg your pardon, sir, but I didn't catch your name." 

*'But my name is a very hard one to catch," replied the 
gentleman ; ^^ perhaps it is the hardest name you ever heard." 

'* Hardest name I ever heard ? I'll bet a bottle of wine that 
my name is harder,'* replied the New Yorker. ^ 

** All riglit," said the Cleveland man. '' My name is Stone 
— ^Amasa Stone. Stone is hard enough, isn't it, to take this 
bottle of wine ? " 

**Prettyhard name," exclaimed tlie New Yorker, "but my 
name is Harder — Norman B. Harder. I bet my name was 
Harder, and it is! " 

It is a very easy matter to separate the humorists ixoia the 

wits or rather the humor from the wit Dickens, except in 

cases like the speech of Buzfuz and the Pickwick proposal, 

was a luimorist Dean Swift, Juvenal, Cervantes and Nasby 

are satii'ists or wits. Josh Billings, Twain, Artemus Ward, 

Orpheus C. Kerr and John Phoenix are sometimes wits and 

sometimes humorists. Max Adler and Bill Nye are both 

Baron-Munchausen liars or wits. Adler's wit consists in sim- 

pie exaggeration, as is illustrated in his account of accurate 

shooting. The Danbury News man is a pure humorist, while 

Aleck Sweet and Mr. Lewis, the Detroit Free Press man, 

are wits, humorists, and sometimes satirists. Nasby has never 

written anything but satire. His Confederate Crossroads 

8atire8. and thev alone, have made him famous in America. 

How Stammeringr TVilliam Sanders "Wanted Free Speeoh. 

EU Perkint. 

William Sanders, the chairman of the Champion Lecture 
Association, in Stevens Point, Wis., is the joker of the North- 
west He is not a joke-teller, but a joke-perpetrator, and his 



14 WTT AND HUHOB. 

Stammering jokes are famiUar to everyone in the coontiy. 
Last week Bill disappeared from the Point, and this week the 
villagers heard of him down at Madison, the state capital. 
Tliey said he was getting some kind of a bill through the 
Legislature. 

When I asked Bill where he had been he puckered up his 
mouth and replied : 

'^I-I-Pve been down to M-M-Madison, the c-capital." 

'* What have you been down to the capital for, Mr. Sanders}'' 
I asked. 

"I-I-Pve been down to see the memoers of the Heg-legialar 
ture." 

" What did you want to see the members of the legislature 
forr 

"W-w-why I wanted to get them to change the s-s-state 
con-con-constitution. " 

" Why, what's the matter of tJie state constitution ?-' I asked, 
in amazement 

" Why, its a lie, s-s-sir, and I want it c-c-changed." 

"Whatl the Wisconsin State Constitution a lie? How is 
that ?" 

" Well, the Con-Constitution guarantees to every man fr-fr 
free sp-sp-speech, don't it ?" 

''Yes, the Constitution , guarantees free speech to every 
citizen in Wisconsin, I believe." 

"Well, do-do-dog on it, then I wa-wa-want fr-fr-free sp-sp- 
speech, or I want thed-d-dang thing ch-ch -changed!" exclaimed 
BUI 

Bailey On Hoopingr a Barrel. 

Putting a hoop on the family flour barrel is an operation 
that will hardly bear an encore. The woman generally at 
tempts it before the man comes home to dinner. She sets the 
hoop up on the end of the staves, takes a deliberate aim with 
the rolling-pin, and then shutting both eyes brings the pin 



HUHOR. 15 

do^m with all the force of one arm, while the other instino 
tively shields her face. Then she makes a dive for the camphor 
and unbleached muslin, and when the man comes home she is 
sitting back oi the stove, thinking of St Stephen and the 
other martyrB, while a burnt dinner and tlxe camphor are 
straggling herociallj for the masteiy. He says if she had 
kept her temper she wouldn't have got hurt And he visits 
the barrel himself, and puts the hoop on very careiully, and 
adjusts it so nicely to the top of every stave that only a few 
smart knocks, apparently, are needed to bring it dcvni all right; 
then he laughs to himself to think what a fuss his wife kicked 
up for a simple matter that only needed a little patience to ad- 
just itself; and then he gets the hammer, and fetches the hoop 
a sharp rap on one side, and the other flies up and catches him 
on the bridge of the nose, filling his soul with wrath and his 
eyes with tears, and the next instant the barrel is flying across 
the room, accompanied by the hammer, and anotiier candidate 
for camphor and rag is enrolled in the great army that is un- 
ceasingly marching toward the grave. 

Burdette's Life Fioturea. 

A boy asks questions. If there was any truth in the theory 
of transmigration, when a boy died he would go into an inter- 
rogation point A boy knows where the first snowdrop lifts 
and where the last Indian paint lingers. His pockets are cabi- 
nets. He drags from tliem curious fossils that he don^t know 
the names of. He knows where the herbs grow that have* 
marvelous medical properties, and he nearly sends the rest of 
the &mily to the graveyard by making practical tests upon 
them. The boy has his superstitions, and he carries iu his 
pocket one particular marble — be it brummie, agate or blood 
alley — which when he loses, he sees panic and bankruptcy 
coming, and retires before the crash comes with his pockets 
full of shillings and a creditors' meeting in the back room. He 
has a charm to cure warts on the hand; he has a marvelous in* 



16 *W1T AND HUMOR. 

stinct for the woods. As he grows older he wants to be a mis- 
sionary or a pirate, and so far as there is any preference, he 
would rather be a pirate — a profession in which there are 
tnore opportunities for making money and fewer chances of 
being devoured raw. He hates company, for it carries him to 
the second table and leaves him no pie. He never walks down- 
stairs, but adopts the single-rail, narrow-gauge passcngei 
tramway and soon cures the other members of the family of 
the practice of setting the wftter-pitcher on the baluster post. 
He asks with alarming frequency for a new hat, and wears it 
in the air or on the groimd ten times more than on his head. 
Poor Tom loves as he makes mischief. He musses his sister's 
ruffle and gets severely reprimanded. 

But some neighbor's Tom comes in and makes the most 
helpless, hopeless, abject, chaotic wreck of that ruffle that it 
can be distorted into, and all the reproach he gets is, ^^ Must he 
go so soon?" But poor Tom gets weary and drops off into the 
wonderland of a boy's dreams, and no mother who has not 
dragged a sleepy boy off the lounge at nine o'clock and led 
him up-stairs can understand the Herculean grasp with which 
a square sleep takes hold of a boy, how fearfully limber and 
limp it makes him, and how it develops innumerable joints 
that work both ways. He never relates his dreams till every- 
one else in the family has told theirs, and there and then he 
comes in like a back county with the necessary majority. In 
time Tom comes to desire a tail-coat and glove-fitting boots. 
Before he has worn his father's arctics — on his feet, and his 
mother's slippers — on his jacket It dawns upon Tom that he 
has hands — a pair, a good hand. And when he goes to the 
first church sociable with his sister, on account of the absence 
of some other Tom, he finds that he has eleven hands, and he 
wonders where the eleventh one came from. Now his mother 
never cuts his hair with a pair of scissors that have cut miles 
^nd miles of calicb, and vast eternities of paper, and snarls 
and tangles of string, and hare snuffed candles, and pared 



apples, and trimmed lamp-wicks, and pried up carpet-tacks, and 
trimmed the family nails, and have done their level best at the 
annual straggle of cutting stovepipe lengths in two. Now he 
knows that man's upper lip was destined by nature to be a 
moustache pasture. How exquisitely reserved he is; with what 
delicate action does he make the first preliminary investigatioii 
in order that he may detect the first symptoms of a velvety 
resistance. And when he has found that it is there and only 
needs to be brought out, how he walks down to the barber's 
shop, gazing anxious! j into the window, and — ^walks past 

At last, when he musters up courage enough to go inside 
and climbs into the chair, and is just on the point of whisper- 
ing to the barber that he would like a shave, in comes some 
modem Esau, with beard as long as Tom's arm, and frightens 
it out of him, and he has his hair cut again, for the third time 
that week, so short that the barber holds it in his teeth, cuts it 
with a file, trims it with a smoothing plane, and parts it with 
a straight edge and a scratch awL Nobody ever did know 
how a boy gets hold of his fiither'd razor, and when the boy 
gets it he hardly knows what to do with it In tiiie course of 
a few minutes the blade buckles on him and cuts every one of 
his four fingers. Then he cuts the strop with it, and would cut 
it oftener if the strop lasted longer. Then he knocks it against 
the side of the mug, drops it on die floor and steps on it ; but 
is pleased to find that none of the nicks in it are as large as 
saw-teeth. Then he wonders that a man's nose is so put upon 
his face that a man cannot get at his own with A razor without 
standing on his head. He slashes his nose, cuts the comers of 
his mouth, and makes a disagreeable cut on his lip that makes 
it look as though it had just come out of a free-fight with a 
straw-cutter. But he learns just before he cuts his upper lip 
dear ofi' and his moustache comes on again. Although without 
wlor, it can be felt — very soft felt And then Tom has to 
endure in quiet every sort of attack from the other members 
of the fiEunily about his &ce being dirty ; that he had better 

2 



18 WIT AND HUKOR. 

a spOQBfiil of cream and a piece of the cat's tail to lather Uh 
apper lip ; and the tannts of his sister aiid younger brother, 
who ask him and cry to the company respectively, "Tom's 
raisin' a moustache.'' But it grows — short in the middle and 
very no longer at the ends. Don't laugh at it ; encourage it ; 
ooax it along ; draw it out ; speak kindly of it. Even after it 
has grown long enough to be felt it causes trouble. It is more 
obetmate than a meerschaum pipe in taking a>lor. 

*Squire Sfecanrs emd the "Pharaoh Men." 

*^ You see, "said the 'squire, pitclung his voice to an exegeti- 
eal altitude, "it wvz sorter this way. Last Chuesday was a 
week ago, I sailed down from Owinnett to AUanty with seven 
bags of cotton. Arter I sold 'em I kinder loafed roun', lookin' 
at things in geuBral, an' feelin' jest as happy as you please, 
when who should I run agin but Kumel Blasengame. Me an* 
the kumel used to be boys together, an' we wuz as thick as 
five kittens m a rag basket We drunk onten the same goad, 
an' we got the lint snatched outen us by the same bandy-legged 
school-teacher, I wuz gitten as lonesome as a rain-crow afore 
I struck up with the kumel, an' I wuz glad to see him. We 
knocked aroun' town right smartually, an' the kumel inte^ 
juced me to a whole raft of fellers — ^mighty nice boys they wu;^ 
too. Arter supper, the kumel saya : 

^^ ^Skaggs,' says he, ^ les ' go to my room whar we kin talk 
over old times sorter comfortable an' ondisturbed like.' 

'* * 'Greeable,' says I, an' we walked a square or so an' turned 
into an alley, an' walked up a narrer par of stars. The 
kumel gin a little rap at a green door, an' a slick-lookin' mer- 
latter popped out an' axed us in. He was the perlitest nigger 
you ever seen. He jest got up an' spun aroun' like a tom-cat 
with his tail afire. The room wuz as fine as a fiddle, an' full 
of pictures an'^sofys, an' the cheers wuz as soft as lam's wool, 
an' I thought to meself that the kumel wuz a lugsuriant cuss. 
Thar wns a lot oi mighty nice fellers scattered roun' a-laffin' 




"V* bar bad m pteaauit «v«nlii', "Bquln," (See p«g» Ui) 



19 &X7^0R« 

an' a-talkin' quite soshable like. Aperient, the knmel wnzent 
much sot back, for he sorter laffed to himself, an' then he says : 

** * Boys,' says he, ' I have fetched up a fren'. Jedge High- 
tower, this is 'Squire Skaggs, of Gwinnett Major Briggs, 
^Squire Skaggs,' an' so on al] roun'. Then tlie kurnel turns to 
me an' says : 

" ' Keally, I wuzn't expectin' company, Skaggs, but the 
members of the Young Men's Christun 'Sosashun m^e my 
^;oom their headquarters.' 

" I ups an' says I was mighty glad to meet the boys. I 
used be a Premativ' Baptis' myself afore 1 got to cussin' the 
Yankees, an' I hev always had a sorter hankcrin' arter pious 
folks. They all laffed an' shuk ban's over agin, an' we sot 
thar a-smokin' an' a-chawin' jest as muchuel as you please. I 
disremember how it come up, but presently Major Briggs gits 
up an' says: 

^'' ^ Kurnel, what about that new parlor game you got out the 
other day ? ' 

" ' Oh,' says the kurnel, lookin^ sorter sheepish, * that wuz a 
humbug. I can't make no head nor tail outen it.' 

^^ ' Fll bet I kin manage it,' says Jedge Hightower, quite 
animated like. 

" * m show you how, Jedge, with pleasure,' says the kurnel, 
an' then he went to the table, unlocked a box, an' tuck a deck 
of keerds an' a whole lot of little what-you-may-callems, simi- 
larly to hoxTi buttons, some white an' some red," 

'Squire Skaggs paused, and supplied his tireless jaws with 
a fresh quid of ix)bacco. 

*' It ain't no use to tell you any more. Mfhen them fellers 
got done larnin' me that game I didn't have money enough to 
take me down stars. I say, I looked a leetle wOd, for when 
the Jedge closed the box he said : 

" ' We hev had a pleasant evenin', 'Squiie. You'll find the 
knniel waitin' for you on the steps, and he'll give you your 
money back.^ 



WIT ASD KUMOSL 20 

'^ I ain^ never laid eyes on the knmel senoe, an' when I do 
thar's goin' to be a case for the Knrriner — ^^ou mind my words. 
X seed Rufe Lester next day — ^you know Rufe; he's in the 
legislatur now, but 1 used to give him pop-corn when he 
wuzn't so high — I seed Rufe an' he sed I wuz tuck in by the 
Pharoah men. Tuck In ain't no name for it Demed if i 
didn't go to the bottom an' git skinned alive." 

Eli Perkins' Book A^ent. 

A Philadelphia book agent importuned James Watson, a hch 
and close New York man, living out at Elizabeth, until he 
bought a book — the "Early Christian Martyrs." Mr. Watson 
didn't want the book, but he bought it to get rid of the agenc ^ 
then, taking it under his arm, he started for the train which 
takes him to his New York office. 

Mr. Watson hadn^t been gone long before Mrs. Watson 
came home from a neighbor's. The book agent saw her, an.1 
went in and persuaded the wife to buy another copy of the 
same book. She was ignorant of the fact that her husband 
had bought the same book in the morning. Wlien Mr. Watson 
came back from New York at night Mra Watson showed him 
the book. 

"I don't want to see it," said Watson, frowning terribly 

" Why, husband 'i " asked his wife. 

" Because that rascally book agent sold me the same book 
this morning. Now we've got two copies of the same book — 
two copies of the * Early Christian Martyrs,* and " 

" But, husband, we can " 

"No, we can't, either!" interrupted Mr. Watson. "Thq 
man is off on the train before this. Confound it ! I could kill 
the fellow, I " 

"Why, there he goes to the depot now," said Mrs. Watson, 
pointing out of the window at the retreating form of the book 
agent making for the train. 



21 HUMOR. 

a 

^^Bnt its too late to catch him, and Vm not dressed. Fve 
taken off my boots, and ** 

Just then Mr. Stevens, a neighbor of Mr. Watson, drove by, 
when Watson poanded on the glass in a frantic manner, almost 
irightening the horse. 

*'Here, Stevens," he shouted, " you're hitched up: won't 
you run your horse down to the train and hold that book agent 
till I come 1 Run I Catch 'im now ! " 

^^ All right," said Mr. Stevens, whipping up his hone and 
tearing down the road. 

Mr. Stevens reached the tram just as the oondactor shouted 
" all aboard I " 

^^Book agent,'' he yelled, as the book agent stepfied <mt)0 
the train. ^- Book agent f hold on ! Mr Watson wants lo 
see you." 

^^ Watson ? Watson wants to see me V " repeated the seem 
ingly-puzzled book agent '^ Oh^ I know what he wants ! he 
wants to buy one of my books ; but 1 can't miss tbe tram to 
sell it to him." 

'* If that is all he wants," said Mr. Stevens, dnvmg up to 
the car window, ^^ I can pay for it and take it back to him. 
How much is it ? " 

'' Two dollars for the " Early Christian Martyrs," said the 
book agent, as he reached for the money and passed the book 
out through the car window. 

Just then Mr, Watson arrived, puffing and blowing, m his 
shirt sleeves. As he saw the tram pn.U out he was too full foi 
utterance. 

"Well, I got it for you," said Stevens^ '*iust got it, and 
that's all." 

''Got what?" 

**The book— « Early Christian Martyrs,' and '* 

" By — the — great — guns !" moaned Watson, as he placed 
his hand to his brow and fell exhausted onto a depot seat. 



WIT AJW HUHOB. 32 

JocAi BiUinfirs on Ocmrtixiff . 

OoTirting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a bever- 
idge, it is the pla spell ov the sooL The man who has nevei 
courted haz lived in vain : he haz bin a blind man amung land- 
skapes and waterskapes ; he has bin a deff man in the land ov 
hand orgins, and by .^he ride ov mormnring canals. Courting 
iz like 2 little springs ov eoft water that steal out from under a 
rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by 
side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying 
and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full 
ov sun, and now Ml ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then 
tha go slow. I am in faver ov long courting ; it giveb the 
parties a chance to find out each nther's trump kards, it iz good 
exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino kmbs. Courting 
iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu 
git the flaver, I have saw folks git ackquainted, fidl in luv, 
git marrid, sectel down and gTt tew wurk, in 8 weeks from 
date. This is jist the wa sum folks lam a trade, and akounts 
for the grate number or almitey m^an mechanicks we hav, and 
the poor jobs tha turn out 

Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew ynng 
men, who are about tew court with a final view to matrimony, 
az it waz. In the fiist plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure 
system awl rite, and then fiid a^unrwoman who iz wi Jing 
tew be courted on the square. The nex thing is tew find out 
how old she is, which yu kau dew hi asking her and she will sa 
that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won^t be far from 
out ov the wa. The nex best thing ir tew begin moderate ; say 
onse every nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing 
the dose as the pasheint seems to require it It is a fiist rate 
wa tew court the girl's mother a leettle on ihe start, for there iz 
one thing a woman never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good 
courting, if it is dun strikly on the squai^e. After the fust year 
ya will begin to be well ackquainted and will begin tew like 



2d HDKOB. 

the bizzness. Thare is one thing I alwns advise, and that is 
not to swop fotografEs oftener than onse in 10 daze, unless yii 
forgit how the gal looks. 

Okasionally yu want tew look sony and draw in yure wind 
az tho yn had pain, this will set the gal tewteazing yu tew find 
out what ails yu. Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, 
it wiU keep yure reUggion in tune ; and then if the gal happens 
to be thare, bi acksident, she kan ask yu tew go hum with her, 

Az a ginral thing i wouldnH brag on uther gals mutch when 
i was courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will 
court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't 
ea it iz a leettle the slikest time in your life, yu kan git meas- 
ured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for 
munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, these things are jist about az 
onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out 
ov repair and bust at enny minnit 

Court a gal for fim, for the luv yu bear her, forthe vartue 
and bissness thare is in her ; court her for a wife and for a 
mother, court her as yu wud court a farm —for the strength ov 
the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title ; court her as tho she 
wan't a fule, and yu a nuther ; court her in the kitchen, in the 
. parlor, over tbe wash-tub, and at the pianner ; court this wa, 
yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a 
good hustband, the fait won't be in the courting. 

Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant 
make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu 
how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent 

Ijewls on Mean Men. 

At 9 o'clock yesterday morning an oM woman sat in the 
BCIchigan Central station wiping the tears from her eyes. It 
was nobody's business in particular to inquire whether she had 
fallen heir to a million dollars or was travelling through life 
with a broken heart, but one certain man stepped forward after 



wrr AivD uvutiSL 24 

A time and made some inquiries. Then he passed around 
among the crowd and said : 

^^ Gentlemen, here is a poor old woman who wants to get to 
CSoInmbus. Let's take up a collection." 

In the course of four or five minutes a purse of $3 wa^ made 
up, but when he had counted it the man said : 

^^ Gentlemen, let's chip in enough more to buy her a new 
dress. Pm a poor man, but here's a quarter for the old lady." 

The purse was now increased to nearly $7, and the woman 
had just pocketed the money when a man stepped forward and 
said to the collector of the purse : 

"Why, Banks, is this you t " 

"Of course it is." 

" And that woman is vour own wife ! " 

"Well, Mr. Knickerbocker," replied the man as he bat- 
toned his coat, " it's a mighty mean man who won't chip in a 
quarter to buy his own wife a dress and help her off on a 
idsitl" 

ICark Twain at tbe Tomb of AdaocL 

The weeping Twain stood with bowed head before the grave 
of Adam. As the tears rolled down his cheeks he thus 
mourned : 

" The tomb of Adam I how touching it was, here in a land 
of strangers, far away from home and friends I True, he was 
a blood-relation ; though a distant one, still a relation ! The 
unerring instinct of nature thrilled its recognition. The foun- 
tain of my filial affection was stirred to its prolonndest depths, 
and I gave way to tumultuous emotion. I leaned upon a 
pillar and burst into tears. I deem it no shame to have wept 
over the grave of my. poor dead relative. Let hira who would 
sneer at my emotion close this volume. Noble old man — he 
did not live to see his child ; and I — I — I, alas 1 did not live 
to see him. Weighed down by sorrow and disappointment, 
Iw ^i&d before I was bom, — six thousand brief sommera 



25 HUIIDB. 

before 1 was bom. But let us try to bear it with fortitude. Let 
us trust he IS better oft* where he is. Let us take comfort in the 
thought that his loss is our eternal gain.'' 

Max Adler on Gk>ing to &leep. 

Mr. Butterwick, of Roxborough, had a fit of sleeplessness 
one night lately, and after vainly trying to lose himself in 
slumber, he happened to remember that he once read in an al- 
manac that a man could put himself to sleep by imagining that 
he saw a flock of sheep jumping over a fence, and by counting 
them as they jumped. 

He determined to tiy the experiment, and closing his eyes, 
he fancied the sheep jumping, and began to count. He had 
reached his hundred and fortieth sheep, and was beginning to 
doze off, when Mrs. Butterwick suddenly said : 

"Joseph!" 

"Oh, what?" 

" I believe that yellow hen wants to set" 

" Oh, don't bother me with such nonsense as that now. Do 
keep quiet and go to sleep." 

Then Butterwick started his sheep again, and commenced to 
count again. He got up to one hundred and twenty, and was 
feeling as if he would drop off at any moment, and just as his 
hundred and twenty-first sheep was about to take that fence, 
one of the twins began to cry. 

" Hang that child 1 " he shouted at Mrs. Butterwick. " Why 
^an't you tend to it and put it to sleep ? Hush up, you little 
imp, or m spank you ! " 

When Mrs. Butterwick had quieted it, Butterwick, although 
a little nervous and excited, concluded to try it again. Turn- 
ing on the imaginary mutton, he began. 

Only sixty-foar sheep had slid over the fence when Butter* 
^ck's mother-in-law knocked at the door and asked if he was 
awake. When she learned that he was she said she believed 



WIT AITD HUMOB, 26 

he had forgotten to close the back shutters, and she thought she 
heard burglars in the yard. 

Then Butterwick arose in wrath and went down to see about 
it. He ascertained that the shutters were closed as usual, and 
as he returned to bed he resolved that Mrs. Butterwick's mother 
would leave the house for good in the morning, or he would. 

However, he thought he might as well give the almanac plan 
another trial, and setting the sheep in motion he began to 
count This time he reached two hundred and forty, and 
would probably have got to sleep before the three hundredth 
sheep jumped, had not Mix's new dog in the next yard become 
suddenly homesick, and began to express his feelings in a series 
of prolonged and exasperating howls. 

Butterwick was indignant. Neglecting the sheep, he leaped 
from the bed, and began to bombard Mix's new dog with boots, 
soap-cups, and every loose object he could lay his hands on. 
He hit the animal at last with a plaster bust of Daniel Webster, 
and induced the dog to retreat to the stable and think all about 
home in silence. 

It seemed aimosc ridiculous, to resume those sheep again, 
but he determined to give the almanac man one more chance, 
and so as they began to jump the fence he Degan to count, and 
after seeing the eighty-second safely over, he was gliding gen- 
tly into the land of dreams, when Mrs. Butterwick rolled out 
of bed and fell on the floor with such violence that she waked 
the twins and started them crying, while Butterwick's mother- 
in-law came down-stairs, four steps at a time, to ask ii they felt 
that earthquake. 

The situation was too awftil for words. Butterwick regarded 
it for a minute with speechless indignation, and then seizing a 
pillow he went over to the sofa in the back sitting-room and 
lay down on the lounge. 

He fell asleep in ten minutes without the assistance of the 
almanac, but he dreamed all night that he was being butted 
anrnnd the equator by a Cotawold ram, and, he awoke in the 



27 HUMOR. 

momJng with a terrible headache and a conviction that sheejj 
are good enough for wool and chops, but not worth a cent as a 
narcotic. 

Qreek Humor. ' 

Eli Perking. 

The writings of JEschines are full of Greek humor which is 
often spoiled by the translators. Socrates was the founder of 
the Greek school of humor as well as philosophy. When 
Socrates died in Athens, Plato, Antisthenes and other pupils 
opened schools to teach the Greek boys. Much of the humor 
of the seven wise men of Greece was by px'oving a lie to be 
true. For instance, Chrysippus said one day to Cleanthes : 
. " I can prove you to be a very foul man.'' 

"How so Chrysippus ? " 

''This way, listen: Whatever you say comes out of you* 
mouth?" 

"Yes." 

•'Well, you say snakes ; therefore snakes come out of yoiu 
mouth " 

Bret Harts on Ah Sin. 

Which I wish to remark — 

And my language is plain- 
That for ways that are dark 

And for tricks that are vain 
The heatlien Chinee is peculiar, 

Which the same I would rise to explain. 

Ah Sin was his name ; 

And I shall not deny 
In regard to the same 

What that name might imply ; 
But his smile it was pensive and child-llkis 

As I frequently remarked to Bill Nye. 

/ 

it was August the third ; 

And quite soft was the skies ; 
Which it might be inferred 

Tliat Ah Sin was likewise ; 
Yet he played it that day upon William 

And me in a way I despise. 



WIT AND HUMOB. 28 

Wbidi we had a small game, 

And Ah Sin took a hand : 
It was Euchre. The same 

He did not understand ; 
But he smiled as he sat by the table. 

With the smile that was child-like and bland 

Tet the cards they were stocked 

In a way that I grieve, * 

And my feelings were shocked ^ 

At the state of Nye*s sleeve ; 
Which was stuf*ed full of aces and bowen^ 

And the same with intent to deceive. 

Bat the hands that were played 

By that heathen Chinee, 
And the points that he made 

Were quite fVigliifu? U) see — 
Till at last he put down a right bower. 

Which the same Nye liad dealt unto ma 

Then I looked up at Nye, 

And he gazed upon me ; 
And he rose with a sigh, 

And said, " Can this be? 
We are mined by Chinese cheap labor "^ 

And he went for that heathen Chinee. 

In the scene that ensued 

I did not take a hand, 
^ut the floor it was strewed 

Like the leaves on the strand 
With the cards that Ah Sin had been hiding 

In the game ** he did not understand." 

« 

In his sleeves, which were long, 

He had twenty-four packs— 
Which was coming it strong, 

Yet I state but the facts : 
And we found on his nails, which were tapor» 

What is frequent in tapers— that's wax. 

Which is why I remark. 

And my language is plain. 
That for ways that are dark, 

And lor tricks that are vain, 
The heathen Chinee is peculiar— 

Which the same J am free to nrmiyn t »l?w 



HUlfOB. 29 

naa Oraae and Widow Bedott 

Frmuxa M. WMeher, 

O no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o^ means, *tain't a minnit 
tew 80on ior jon to begin to talk about gittin' married agin. 
I am amazed you should be afeerd Fd think so. See --how 
long^s Miss Crane ben dead? Six months ! — land o^ Goshen 1 
i^hy, IVe knowM a number of individdiwals get married in 
less time than that. There^s Fiiil Bennett^s widder t' I was a 
talkin'^ about jest now — she^t was Louisy Perce — her husband 
hadent been dead bat Aree months, yon know. I don't think 
it looks well for a woman to be in 8uch a hurry — but for a 
man it's a diflerent thing — circumstances alters cases, yoo 
know. And then, sittiwated as you be, Mr. Crane, it's a tor 
rible thing for your family to t)e without a head to superintend 
the domestic consams and tend to die children — to say nothin* 
o' yerself, Mr. Grana You dew need a companion, and nc 
mistake. Six months I Good grievous I Wliy Sqnire Titos 
dident wait but six weeks arter he buried his fust wife afore he 
married his second. I thought ther waVt no pardckler need 
o' his hurryin' so, seein' his family was all grow'd up. Such 
a critter as he pickt out, tew I % was very onsuitable — but 
every man to his taste — I hain't no dispersition to meddle 
with nobody's consams. U^ere's old flEirmer Dawson, tew — 
his pardner hain't ben dead but ten months. To be sure he ain't 
married yet — but he would a ben long enough ago if somebody 
I know on 'd gin him any incurridgement But tain't for me 
, to speak o' tliat matter. He's a clever old critter and as rich 
as a Jew — but — lawful sakes t he's old enough to be my 
father. And there's Mr. Smith —r Jubiter Smith — you know 
him, Mr. Crane — his wife (she 't was Aurory Pike) she died 
last summer, and he's ben squintin' round among the wimmin 
ever since, and he raay squint for all the good it '11 dew him so 
far as I'm consamed — tho' Mr. Smith's a respectable man — 
quite young and hain't no family — very well off tew, and quite 
intellectible — but I'm purty partickler. 0, Mr. Crane I it's 



8^ y^tr AKD mmotu 

ten year come Jinniwaiy sence I witnessuKi the expiratiofi & 
my belovid oompanion I — an oncommon long time to wait, ta 
be sure — but 't aint easy to find anybody to fill the place o' 
Hezekier Bedott i think you're the most like husband of 
ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr. Crane. Six months ! murde^ 
ation I cums yon should be aieard Vd think Iwas tew soon -— 
why Tve know'd — ^ 

Mr. Crank. ^^Well, widder — Fve been thinking about 
caking another companion — and I thought Td u^k you — ^ 

Widow. ^^ O^ Mr. Crane, ^giscuse my commotion, it^a so 
onexpected. Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the 
manfletry shelf — Pm mther faint — dew put a IJtUe mite ov 
my handkercher and hold it to my nuz* There — that '11 dew 

— Pm obleeged tew ye — now I'm rather more composed — 
yon may perceed, Mr. Crane. ** 

Mr. Crake. ^^Well, widder, I was agoing to ask yov 
whether — whether — " 

Widow. *'Continner, Mr. Crane — dew — I knew it's tur 
riblo embarrissin'. I remember when my dezeased husband 
made his suppositions to me, he stammered and stuttered, and 
was so awiully flustered it did seem as if he'd never git it out in 
the world, and I s'pose if s ginnerally che case, at least it hafl 
beeQ with all them that's made suppositions to me — yon see 
they're ginerally oncerting about what kind of an answer 
they're agwine to git, and it kmd o' makes 'em narvous. But 
when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachment's 
reperated, I don't see what need there is o' his bein' flnstrated 

— tlio- 1 must say it 's quite embarrassin' to me — pray con* 
tinner." 

Mr. C. ^' Well, then, I want to know if you're willing 
1 should have Meliss y ? " 

iV^iDow. **The dragon I ^ 

Mr. C. ^^ I hain't said anything to her about it yet, — 
thought the proper way was to get your consent first. I remem- 
ber when I courted Trypheny, we were engaged some time 



Bumau 81 

before mother Eenipe knew anything about it, and when she 
found it out she was quite put out because I dident go to her 
first So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks me, 
ril dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first — '^ 

Widow, '' Old woman, hey I that's a purty name to call 
me ! — amazin' perlite tew ! Want Melissy, hey ! Tribble- 
ation ! gracious sakes alive ! well, I'll give it up now ! L 
always know'd you was a simpleton, Tim Crane^ but I miuft 
confess I diden't thmk you was gutte so big a fool — want 
Melissy, dew ye I If that don't beat all I What an everlastin' 
old calf you must be to s'pose she'd look at you. Why, you're 
old enough to be her father, and more tew — Melissy ain^ 
only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reedickilous idee for 
a man o' your age ! as gray as a rat, tew I I wonder what this 
world is a comin' tew ! 't is astonishin' what fools old widdi' 
wers will make o' themselves I Have Melissy I Melissy I " 

Me. C. *'Why, widder, you surprise me — I'd no idee 
of being treated in this way after you'd ben so polite to 
me, and made such a fuss over me and the gtt'ls." 
. Wnx)w. " Shet yer head, Tim Crane — nun o' yer sAss to 
me. Ther^B yer hat on that are table, BJid her^s the door — 
and the sooner you put on one and march out o' t' other, the 
better it '11 be for you. And I advise you afore you try to git 
married agin, to go out west and see Y yer wife's cold* — and 
arter ye're satisfied on that pint, jest put a little lampblack on 
yer hair — 'twould add to yer appearance undoubtedly, and be 
of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round among the 
gals — and when ye 've got yer hair fixt, jest splinter the spine 
o' yer back' — 't wouldent hurt yer looks a mite — you'd be 
intirely unresistible if you was a lettle grain straiter." 

Mr. 0. "Well, I never!" 

Widow. "Hold yer tongue — you consamed old coot, yon. 
I tell ye therms your hat, and therein the door — be off with yer 
self, quick metre, or I'll give ye a hyst with the broomstick I *' 

Mb. 0. "Gimmeni!" 



83 wir Aim huico& 

Wiix>w (runngf). ^^ Git out, I say — I ain't a gwine to stan^ 
Here and be insulted under my own ruff— and so git along — 
and if ever you darken my door agin, or say a word to Melissy, 
it '1! be the woss for you — that's all." - 

Mb. C *' Treemenjous ! What a buster ! " 

Widow " Go 'long — go 'long — go 'long, you everlastin' old 

gum. I won't hear another word (stops her ears). I won't, I ^ 

won't, I won't" 

[jEadt Mr. Orane. 

{Enter Mdisaa^ accompwaied hy Oaptam Oo/noot) 
** Good evenin', cappen I Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey ? 
why dident you stay till momin' } purty business keepin' me 
ap here so late waitin' for jou — when I'm eny'most tired to 
death ironin' and workin' like a slave all day ; — ought to ben 
a bed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with agreeable com* 
pany, hey ? I should like to know what arthly reason you had 
to s'pose old. Crane's was agreeable to me ? I always despised 
the critter ; always thought he was a turrible fool — and now 
I'm convinced on't I'm completely dizgusted with him — and 
I let him know it to-night I gin him a piece o' my mind 't 1 
guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I ruther think he 
went off with a flea in his ear. Why, cappen — did ye ever 
hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer bom days ! for Aem 
— 2im Orane — to durst to expire to my hand — the widder o' 
Deacon Bedott I jest as if Pd condeacen' to look at him — the 
old numbskull ! He don't know B irom a broomstick ; bi^t if 
he^d a stayed much longer, I'd a teached him the difference, I 
guess. He's got his vxUJM ticket now — I hope he'll lemme 
^ne in futur. 

Ssmopsis of the Play. 

The following synopsis of the play as given in the dialect oi 
a New York newsboy is a bit of pure humor. There is no 
exaggeration in it — no wit, but it is pure unadulterated humor. 
It is a picture drawn close to life : 

Two small boys were lool^ing i^t the black and red posters 



HUMOB. 88 

on the boards of a Bowery variety theatre. The larger of the 
boys wore a man^s overcoat, the sleeves of which had been 
shortened by rolling them up till his red and grimy hands pro- 
truded. The big coat was Dpen in front, revealing a consider- 
able expaiise of cotton shirt His hands were thrust in his 
trousers pockets. The visor of his heavy wool cap had come 
loose, except at the ends, and it rested on his nose* His 
smaller companion wore a jacket and trousers that were much 
too small even for him. His hat was of black fel'. and of the 
shape of a sugar loaf. His eyes were round with wonder at 
the story his friend in the big overcoat was telling him. It 
seemed to be a synopsis of the play, — scenes in which were 
pictured on the boards. 

^* This duffer," said the boy, taking one hand from its pocket 
and pointing to the picture of a genteel man with a heavy 
black mustache, '4s the vill^n. It begins wid him comin' on 
the stacce and sayin^ : 

* Wat, ho I Not here yet ? ' 

Then an Eyetalian covey wid big whiskers — he's the 
vill'n's pal — comes on, an' the vilPn tells him that the girl mus^ 
be did away wid, so he can git the boodle. 

" * How much-a you give-a ? ' says the Eyetalian. 

" * Rve tousand dollars,' says the vill'n, an' they makes the 
bargain. The Eyetalian is goin' to make b'lieve that the girl 
is his'n ; that he's the girl's father. Then he is goin' to try to 
git her away fm her friends an' kill her. Wliile they is 
makin' the bargain a Dutchman and a darkey is listenin', an' 
when the vill'ns goes away, the Dutchman comes out, an' 

I 

says he : 

" * Maybe yer don't was tink I hab heard sometings. don't 
it? I vill safe dot girl ! " 

''The next scene is in a big, fine house. An old woman. aM 
dressed up swell, is telling a young prig that the girl is heir to 
fifty tousand dollars, an^ dej don't know who her fader an' 
mudder was. She was picked up on the steps when she was a 






84 WIT AND HUMOR. 

kid. The young feller tells his mudder that he don^t care who 
her folks was, an^ that he'll marry her anyway,' even if she is 
blind. The ole woman goes out an' a be-yoatifiil girl comes in^ 
pawin' the air 'cause she's blind an' can*t see, an' says she to 
the young chap : 

*' ' It can't never be I' 

"The feller he don't blieve her, an' tells her she's givin' him 
gnfi. After a lot of ooaxin' she owns up that she likes iiim^ 
an' he spreads out his fins an' hollers ; 

** *Then you do love me, Marie 1 " an' she tumbles. 

"Then an ole man wid a white wig comes in — he's the 
doctor — an' he looks at the girl's eyes an' saj s that he can cure 
'em, but it may kill her. He takes out two bottles and says : 

" ^In this is sump'n' that'll put yer into a sleep like death, 
will yer rfsk it ? ' 

" ^ Be this me answer,' says the girl, an' she swallera the 
bottle, an' tips over on the lounge. 

"Jest before the doctor is goin' to fix hei eyes the Eyetaliar. 
jumps in an' says : 

" * Where is raai poor childa } ' an' he won't let the doctor dc 
anythin'. The;^ is a big row, an' &e Dutchman comes in an 
says: 

" * She don't vas his chfld.' 

" But the Eyetalian lugs her off, an' the vill'n — he turns out 
to be her cousin — ^gets all the money. 

"The next scene is in the street The Eyetalian an' the be- 
youtiful young girl all dressed in rags comes along, an' says 
she : 

" ' I'm so-o-o tired.' 

"'How mucha money you gota?'says the Eyetalian, an* 
she says she hain't got no money. Then he goes to kill her. 
ttu' the Dutchman hops out an' yells : 

" * You macamni son-of a-gun !' an' the Eyetalian lights out 

"The Dutchman he takes the girfinto his house an' comes 
out in the street The girl's feller comes along, an' while the; 



HUMOR. 35 

is talkm' the Eyetalian oomes back an' sneaks in an' steals the 
f^l away* But the Dutchman's dog foUers him an' shows the 
way to the cop an' when gets there they finds out that she's 
gone. They find her in a dive where lots of Eyctallans is 
playin' whisky poker for the drinks. There's a big row agin, 
an' the girl is took out an' carried back to her home. In the 
row the Eyetalian gits all chawed up by the Dutchman's dog, 
the cop lugs him off, an' he's sent up for ten years. 

^* In the last act the girl's eyes has been fixed, an^ she's sittin' 
on the piazzer. The papers has been found, an' the vill'n has 
hollered, ^ I'm Ip-host, I'm lo-host ! ' The girl is sayin' how 
glad she'll be to see her feller an' look into his eyes, when the 
Eyetalian, who has cracked the fug, comes cre-e-e-pin' along in 
striped togs, an says he k> hisself : 

'* * I will now have mia r-r-revenge I ' 

*^The lights is turned down, an' the big fiddle goes zub-sub, 
Kofo-zub. 

^^Then the Eyetalian creeips up an grabs the be-youtifti) 
young girl an' hollers, *I will killa youl' an' pulls a big knife 
out of his breeches pocket The young girl, yells, an', {est as 
he's goin' to jab her wid the knife^ they all rushes in, an' the 
darkey pulls out a pop an' lets the Eyetalian have it in the ribs, 
an' the Eyetalian tumbles down an' squirms, an' the be-youtiiu] 
young girl faints away in her feller's arms, an' down goes the 
curtain." 

Mark Twain and the Interviewer. 

The nervous, dapper, '' peart '^ young man took the chair I 
offered him, and said he was connected witli the Daily Thwg^ 
derstomiy and added : 

*' Hoping it's no harm, I've come to interview you." 

" Come to what ? " 

" Interview you." 

"Ah I I see. Yes — yes. Uml Yes — ^yes." 

I was not feeling well that morning. Indeed, my powers 



86 WIT AND HUMOR. 

seemed a bit under a dond. However, I Went to the book 
case, and, irhen I had been lookinf^ six or seven minntes, found 
I was obliged to refer to the young man. 1 said : 

"How do you spell it ? ** 

"Spell what?'' 

"Interview.'* 

"Oh, my goodness ! What do you want tospell it fort" 

" I don^t want to spell it I want to see what it means. '^ 

"Well, this is astonishing, I must say. 1 can tell you what 
it means, if you — if you '* — 

" Oh, all right I That will answer, and much oblige^ ^ 
you, too.** 

" In, vn^ ter, for, mter" — 

"Then you spell it with an //'• • 

"Why, certainly!" 

^^ Oh, that is what took me so long t 

" Why, my dear sir, what did ytm propose to spell it with? " 

" Well, I — I — I — ^hardly know. I had the Unabridged ; 
and I was ciphering around in the back end, hoping I might 
see her among the pictures. But it^s a very old edition.^ 

*• Why, my friend, they wouldn't have a picture of it even 
in the latest o My dear sir, I beg your pardon, I mean 

no harm in tlie world ; but you do not look as — ^as — intelligent 
as I had expected you would. No harm, — ^I mean no harm at 
all." 

"Oh, don't mention it I It has often been said, and by 
people who would not flatter, and who could have no induce- 
ment to flatter, that I am quite remarkable in that way. Yes — 
yes ; they always speak of it with rapture." 

"I can easily imagine it But about this interview. Ton 
know it is the custom now to interview any man who has 
become notorious." 

"Indeed ! I had not heard of it before. It must be very 
mteresting. What do you do with it? " 

' Ah^ well— well — well — tbiB is disheartening. It ouidit to 



HUliQB. 87 

be done with a dab, in Home cases ; but costomarily it consists 
in the interviewer asking questions, and the interviewed an- 
swering tliem. It is all the rage now. Will you let me ask 
you c lain questions calculated to bi-ing out the salient points 
of you ^ublic and private history ? " 

"Oh, with pleasure — with pleasure. I have a very bad 
memory ; but I hope you will not mind that. That is to say, 
it is an irregular memory, singularly irregular. Sometimes it 
goes into a gallop, and then again it will be as much as a fort- 
night passing a given point This is a great grief to me.*' 

^' Oh ! it is no matter, so you will try to do the best yon 
can.'^ 

** I will. I will put my whole mind on iL^ 

'^Thanks I Are you ready to begin t " 

"Ready." 

Question. How old are you t 

Answer. Nineteen in June. 

Q. Indeed ! I would have taken yon to be thirty-five or 
six. Where were you bom? 

A. In MissourL 

Q. When did you begin to write i 

A. In 1836. 

Q. Why, how could that be if yon are only nineteen now if 

A. I don't know. It does seem curious, somehow. 

Q. It does, indeed. Whom do you consider the most 
remarkable man you ever met t 

A. Aaron Burr. 

Q. But you never could have met Aaron Burr if you are 

only nineteen years A. Now, if you know more about 

me than I do, what do yon ask me for ? 

Q. Well, it was only a suggestion ; nothing more. How did 
you happen to meet Burr? 

A. Well, I happened to be at his funeral one day ; and he 
asked me to make less noise, and — 

Q. But, good heavens 1 If you were at hie funeral he must 



58 WTT AND HUHOB. 

have been dead ; and, if he was dead, how could he care 
whether you made a noise or not ? 

A. I don't know. He was always a particular kind of a 
man that way. 

Q. Still, I don^t understand it at alL Yon say he spoke to 
you, and that he was dead if , 

A. I didn't say he was dead. 

Q. But wasn't he dead } 

A. W eU, some said he was, some said he wasn't 

Q. What do you think ? 

A. Oh, it was none of my business ! It wasn't any of my 
funeral. 

Q. Did you — However, we can never get this matter 
straight Let me ask you sometliing else. What was the date 
of your birth? 

A. Monday, October 81, 1698. 

Q. What ! Impossible ! That would make you a hundred 
and eight years old. How do you account for that ? 

A. I don't account for it at all. 

Q. But you said at first you were only nineteen, and now 
you make yourself out to be one hundred and eighty. It is an 
•wtul discrepancy. 

A. Why, have you noticed that? (Shaking hands.) Many 
a time it has seemed to me like a discrepancy ; but somelow 
I couldn't make up my mind. How quick you notice a 
thing. 

Q. Thank you for the compliment, as far as it goes. Had 
you, or have you any brothers or sisters ? 

A. Eh ! I — I — I think so, — ^yes — ^but I don't remember. 

Q. Well, that is the most extraordinary statement I ever 
heard. 

A. Why, what makes you think that ? 

Q. How could I think otherwise ? Why, look here ! Who 
IS this picture on the wall ? Isn't that a brother of yours? 

A. Oh, yes, yes I Now you remind me ot it, that was % 



HUMOR. 39 

brother of mine. That's William, Bill we called him. Poor 
old BiU ! 

Q. Why, he is dead^ then ? 

A. Ah, well, I suppose ^. We never could' tell. There 
was a great mystery about it 

Q. That is sad, very sad. He disappeared then i, 

A. Well, yes, in a sort of general way.. We buried him. 

Q. Buried him I Buried him without knowing whether he 
was dead or not ? 

A. Oh, no I Not that. He was dead enough. 

Q. Well, I confess that [ can^t understand this. If you 
buried him, and you knew he was dead — 

A. No, no t We only thought he was. 

Q. Oh, 1 see 1 He came to life again. 

A. I bet he didn't 

Q. Well, 1 never heard anything like this. Somebody 
was dead. Somebody was buried. Now, where was the 
mystery il 

A. Ah, that's just it ! That's it exactly I You see we were 
twins,— defunct and I ; and we got mixed in the bath tub when 
we were Only two weeks old, and one ot us was drowned. But 
we didn't know which. Some think it was Bill t some think 
it was me. 

Q. Well, that is remarkable. What do you think } 

A. Goodness knows t I would give whole worlds to know. 
This solemn, this awful mystery has cast a gloom over my 
whole life. But I will tell you a secret now, which I never 
have revealed to any creature before. One of us had a peculiar 
mark, a large mole on the back of his left hand : that was me. 
That child was the one that was drowned 1 

Q. Very well, then, I don't see that there is any mystery 
about it, after all. 

A. You don't ? Well, I do. Anyway, I don't see how they 
could ever have been such a blundering lot as to go and bury 
the wrong child. But, 'sh I don't mention it where the family 



40 WIT AKD HUMOfi. 

i 

can hear it Heaven knows they have heart-breaking tionblet 
enough without adding this. 

Q. Well, I believe I have got materia) enough for the pres- 
ent ; and I am very much obliged to yon for the pains yon 
have taken. But I was a good deal interested in that aooonnt 
of Aaron Bnrr^s foneraL Would yoii mind telling me what 
particular drcnmstaDce it was that made you think Burr was 
such a remarkable man t 

A. Oh, it was a mere trifle t Not one man in fifty would 

have noticed it at alL When the sermon was over, and the 

procession all ready to start for the cemetery, and the body all 

arranged nice in the hearse, he said he wanted to take a last 

look at the scenery ; and bo be ani up^ and rode unth the 

drvoer. 

« « • • # • » 

The young man reverently withdrew. He was V8r> pleasant 

company ; and I was sorry to see liim go  

The Kloking Mule. 

One morning ^uire Johnson was riding his kicking mule to 
market when be met Jim Boggs, against whom he had an old 
and concealed grudge. The 'Squire knew Boggs^ weakness 
lay in bragging and betting ; therefore he saluted him accord 

ingly. 

** How are you, Jim > Kne morning. " 

^^ Hearty, 'Squire," replied Jim. ^^ffine weather. Nice 
mule that you are riding. Will he do to bet on f " 

'^ Bet on ? Guess he will. I tell you, Jim Boggs, he^s the 
best mule in the country." 

^^ Great thunder I Is that so t " ejaculated Jim. 

** Solid truth, every word of it Tell you confidentially, I 
am taking him down for betting purposes. I bet he can kick 
a fiy off any man without its hurting him,." 

^^Now look here, 'Squire," said Jim, ^^I am not a betting 
cliaracter, but I'll bet you something on that mysel£" 



HUMOR. 41 

^* Jim, there's no use — don t bet, " said the ISqidre. * * I don^t 
want to win your money." 

^^DoD% be alarmed, 'Squire. Ill take such bets as them 
every time." 

^^ Well, if yoQ are determmed to bet, Jim, I will nsk a maU 
stake — say five dollars.'^ 

*^ All right, 'Squire — you're my man. But wholl he kkk 
the fly off t There is no one here but you and L Yon try 
.t" 

^^No," says the 'Squire ; '* 1 have to be at the mnle^t head 
to order him." 

*^ Oh, yaas," says Jim. ^* Then furobably Fm the man. 
Waal, m do it, but you are to bet ten against my five if I 
risk it" 

*^ All right," said the 'Squire. <^ Now there's a fly on your 
shoulder. Stand stilL" And the 'Squire adjusted the mule 

"Whist, Jervey I " said the 'Squire. 

The mule raised his heels with such velocity and force that 
Boggs rose in the air like a bird and alighted on all iburs in a 
muddy ditch, bang up against a rail fence. 

Itising in a towering passion, he exclaimed : 

" Yaas, that is smart I 1 knew your darned mule f ouldn't 
do it You had all that put up. I wouldn't be kicked like 
that for fifty dollars. Kow you can just fork them stakes rij^t 
over." 

"No, sir," said the 'Squire ; "Jervey did just what I said 
he would. I said he would kick a fly oft a man without its 
hurting him, and he did. You see the mule is not hurt by 
the operation. However, if you are not satisfled, we will try 
again as often as you wish." 

Jim brushed the mud off, looked solemnly at the mule, and 
then, putting his hand thoughthiUy to his brow, remarked : 

" No, 'Squire, I don't think the mule is hurt ; but I didn't 
understand the bet. You can keep the money." 



42 wrr and hukob. 



Bret Ebute's Tragedy at 4-Ace Flat. 

There was evidently trouble brewing, and trouble of abnor- 
mal interest, for never before in the history of Four Ace Flat 
had all hands knocked oflE work for a whole day. When Abe 
Tucker was bung a committee took charge of the solemnities, 
and the rest of the inhabitants attended to their business as 
usual. Even' when Bud Davis held four queens over the king 
full of the 'Frisco man, with six hundred thousand in the pot, 
the honest denizens of the Flat stuck industriously to their le- 
gitimate vocation of gouging each other, and local tradition 
says that the fight hetween MuUins and the Kid did not draw 
a half playing ring side. 

But to-day the whole Flat was at leisure, and it was rumored 
in the morning that Buck Galloway would wear a plug hat and 
possibly a vest when he appeared on the field. Bill LeflSng- 
well had bought a new blue flannel shirt that morning, and it 
was said that he had greased his boots, all of which proved to 
be true, though denounced as canards by the skeptics when 
first mentioned in their presence. 

At the Oriental saloon there was tripe on the free lunch 
counter, and at Palace Garden blue chips had gone^to twenty 
dollars. 

And yet it was not a gala day. There was an earnestness in 
the faces of men that destroyed any idea that a picnic or a 
lynching matinee was in prospect. Besides, the constitution 
of the Flat was rigorously in favor of postponing all pleasure 
until nighty and so it was manifest that there was trouble on 
hand and trouble of a serious nature. 

During the morning it was all gossip, but toward noon, when 
Buck Galloway, in the much envied plug hat, and Bill Leffing- 
wcD, resplendent in full blue shirt of dazzling brilliancy, with 
boots greased to a mirror-like resplendency, pjissed each other 
on the street without the customary salutation, all Four Ace 
Flat knew that the hour had come and braced itself for the 
excitement. 



HUXOB. 48 

Pools took a new impetus. Money was placed rapidly, and 
in the market loans were effected at the heavy percentage of 
four for one, which made it easy to keep the reckoning. 

"Think she'll stay game?" asked Pete Wilder, as he exam* f 
ined his pistol and loaded it with grave solicitude. 

^Tor whatever yer got, she will," responded Mr. David 
Sampson, who, by reason of his ha\ang added some salt cod* 
fish to his stock of liquors, had become a merchant and been 
filected mayor. "She'll stick like a tree." 

" And the Englishman } " demanded Pete, taking aim at 8 
man who had refused him a thousand dollars. 

"Pretty good shot," criticised Mayor Sampson, ap the xmuo 
commodating capitalist dropped in his tracks ; -" took him just 
under the ear. Yes, sir, I think the Englishman will stay, too." 

And they joined the crowd who were pressing toward the 
outskirts of the town. 

" You say along the outside of the weepin, Bill ? " remarked 
e tall handsome girl to Mr. Leffingwell, as she fastened her hat 
with a steady band. Life in the silver leads had left its impress 
on her face, which^ in spite of the traces of dissipation, had 
still soft lines of womanly loveliness in it 

" Right along the outside and for the hip, "replied Mr. Lei)- 
ingwell, who was admiring his shirt with an animatec coun- 
tenance. 

" Are we most ready, Buck ?" inquired a large, fine-looking 
Englishman of Galloway. "1 don't regret the act But ^ 
may hold to-day in remorse as long as 1 live.** 

" Oh, blow that I " retorted Mr. Galloway. " Aim low and 
let remorse keep shop while you're gone " 

Out on the mountain side were congregated the wealth and 
fiishion of Four Ace Flat. Above them the trees waved mu- 
sically in the summer air, and the broad stretches of sweet 
grrsLBS smiled or looked sad as the great billows of clouds cast 
shadows uoon them 

The Englishman looked around him, acd saw that he was no 



44 VriT AKD HUMOR. 

favorite. The bold, beautiful face of the brave girl had won 
such prejudice as the Flfit thought it good judgment to show op 
an occasion which demanded the bone and sinew of fair play, 
And as he locked at her, whom he had never seen before, the 
Englishmart expressed a thrill of admiration. 

Mr. Galloway raised his hat to Mr. LefBngwell, and here a 
comph'cation arose Mr. Leffingwell's hat was old and mis^ 
shapen^ and Mr. Galloway peremptorily declined to accept the 
raising thereof as a retiirn of his salutation. Mr. Leffingwell 
protested, btst public opinion was against him, and it was at 
length decided that he could not, so to speak, put old cloth into 
a new garment, and therefore, forasmuch as Mr. Galloway had 
taken off his new hat to Mr. Leffingwell, on the field of honor, 
Mr. Leffingwell must return the courtesy by taking ofi his new 
shirt to Mr. Gallowaj^. 

This delicate point having been satisfactorily settled, Mayoi 
Sampson improved the opportunity for a little oratory, saying, 
in substance, that as how the English bloke had bu'sted a hole 
in the gaPs side pardner, for which she had demanded satisfao 
tion, all he. Mayor Sampson, could add to die preliminaries 
was goin' in for keeps and may the best man win. 

There was not a tremor as Bill Leffingwell placed her in po- 
sition. Her face was as calm as the air around her, and as 
she gazed upon her foe, he who had sent her husband home 
with no recognition for her in his eyes, a smile played around 
her lips, ' for she knew he would soon go down among the 
roots and worms where she had planted the only thing she 
ever loved. 

** What's your weepins I You have the choice,'' asked 351 
of Gtelloway. 

** I'm dogged if I know,** replied Buck. '*<He be^ got 'em 
there, but he won't let on to me ''^ 

The Englishman had heard the question, and now advanced 
with a large paper parcel. He wtis pale, hut calm and obvi- 
ously under control. 



HUMOR. 45 

^' I ha^e one like this/* he said quietly. ^^ At the word ^ fire * 
iet her open the bundle and I will mine. One of U8 will fall. 
if not both.'' 

The girl took the package and held it fimilj. Lefiingwell 
had won the word, and at his ^^One, two, three, fire !'' botli 
papers fell to the ground. 

The Englishman stood firm, but with a wild shriek that 
woke every hiding echo in the Sierras the girl dropped — 
deadl 

^^It's a lucky thing your Englishman got out,'' remarked 
Bill to Buck, as they met at the Oriental daring the evening. 
^^The boys would have grafted him if he'd stayed." 

^* You bet P replied Buck. ^^ If Fd know'd what it was, he'd 
have got it from me right there." 

^^What was the weepin, anyway f asked the barkeeper, 
who had not been able to attend because of some financial 
regulation imperatively demanded by the till in the absence of 
the proprietor." 

'' What was itF sneered BiU. ^' What was it t It war a 
dog-goned live mouse t That's what it war I'^ 

BU Perldmi on Preventing Fires. 

It pains me to hear of so many people being burned on ac- 
count of elevators and defective flues. To-day Professor Edson 
and I laid a plan beiore the Fire Inspectors^ which, if carried 
out, will remedy the evil 

When 1 called on Professor Edson at Menlo Park, he was 
engaged on a new experiment He was trying to abstract the 
heat from fire, so as to leave tlie fire perfectly harmless, while 
the heat could be carted away in flour-barrels to be used for 
cooking. Then the Professor tried experiments in concentrat- 
ing water to be used in the engines in case of drought The 
latter experiment proved eminently successful. Twelve barrels 
of Croton water were boiled over the stove, and evaporated 



46 WIT AND HUICOB. 

down to a gill, and this was sealed in a small phial, to he di- 
luted and used to put out fires in cases of drought or in caaef» 
where no Croton water can be had. In some cases the watei 
was evaporated and concentrated till it became a fine dry pow 
der. This fine, dry powder, the Professor tells me, can be 
carried around in the vest-pockets of the firemen, and be blown 
upon the fires through tin horns — ^that is, it is to extiuguiah 
the fire in a horn. 

1 examined the Pi'ofessor's pulverized water with great in- 
terest, took' a horn — ^in my hands — and proceeded to elucidate 
'x) him my plan for constructing fire-proof fiues. I told him 
chat, to make fire-proof flues, the holes of the flues should be 
constructed of solid cast-iron* or some other non-combustible 
material, and then cold corrugated iron, without any apertures, 
should be poured around them. 

" Wonderful 1" exclaimed Professor Edson in a breath, **biit 
where will you place these flues, Mr. Perkins ?^' 

^^My idea,'^ I replied, drawing a diagram on the wall-papei 
with a piece of charcoal^ ^Ms to have these flues in every in 
stance located in the adjoining house." 

^^Magnificent! but how about the elevator f asked the 
Professor, 

^^ Why, after putting them in the next house too, Pd seal 
them up water-ti^ht, and fill them with Croton and then let 
them freeze. Then I'd turn them bottom-side up, and if they 
catch fire the fiames will only draw down into the cellar." 

Professor Edson said he tliought my invention would event 
ually supersede the Phonograph and do away entirely with the 
necessity oi the Keely-motor. 

ArtemiiB Ward. 

^^ I like art I admire dramatic art, although I failed as an 
antor. It was in my schoolboy-days that I failed as an actor. 
The play was the ** Ruins of PompeiL'' I played the Ruins 



UUMOK. 41 

tt was not yeiy saocessful performance ; but it was better than 
the ^Burning Mountain.' He was not good. He was a bad 
Vesuvius. The remembrance often makes me ask ^ Where are 
the bovs o' mj youth ? ' I assure you this is not a conundnun. 
Some are amongst you here, some in America, some are in 
jail. Hence arises a most touching question : ^ Where are the 
girls of my youth } ' Some are married ; some would like tc 
be. O my Maria ! Alas ! she married another ; they frequentlj 
do. I hope she is happy ; because I am. Some people are 
not happy : I have noticed thaU 

My orchestra is small ; but I am sure it is very good, so &i 
asitgoes. Igivemjpianisttenpoundsamghtandhiswashinfr 

'*' I like music. I can't sing. As a singest, I am not a suo 
cess. I am saddest when I sing : so are those who hear me : 
they are sadder even than I am. The other night, some silver- 
voiced young man came under my window, and sang, ^ Come 
where my love lies dreaming.' I didn't go : I didn't think it 
would be correct." 

Artemas said he had heard of persons being mined by laig^ 
fortunes. He thought, if ruin must befall him, he should choose 
to have it come in this form. He even said plainly, ^^ I want 
to be ruined by a large fortune." 

Artemus said tliat Brigham Young was the most marri ya 
man he e'^er saw in his life. " I saw," said he, " his mother 
in-law, while I was there. I can't exactly tell how many there 
is of her ; but there's a good deal. It strikes me that one 
mother-in-law is about enough to have in a family, unless you 
are fond of excitement. Some of these Mormons have temiio 
families. I lectured one night by invitation, in the Mormon 
village of Provost ; but ddring the day, I rashly gave a leading 
Mormon an order admitting himself ard family. It was before 
I knew he was much married ; and they filled the room to 
over-flowing. It was a great success ; but 1 didn't get any 
money. 

^^ I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Monnoii 

4 



48 • WIT AKD HUKOR. 

of me while I was in Utah. It was leap-year when I was there^ 
and seventeen jonng widows, the wives of a deceased Mormon, 
offered me their hearts and hands. I called en them one daj^, 
and taking their white, soft hands in mine, — ^which made 
eighteen hands altogether — I found them in tears. And I said, 
^ Why is thus I What is the reason of this thnsness t ' They 
hove a sigh — seventeen sighs of different size. They said, 
'Doth not like as t ' I said, 'I doth, I doth I' lalsosaid, 4 
hope your intentions are honorable ; as I am a lone child, my 
parents being far, far away/ They then said, ' Wilt not marry 
ns?' 'Oh, no I it cannot was ^ Again they asked me to 
marry them, and again I declined. Then they cried, ' O cmei 
nan I this is too much,— oh ! too much I ' 



M. Qaad*6 Deaf Woman. 

A deaf old lady walked into a Main street store, recently, 
ond asked for ten cents' worth of soap. 

'' We don't sell a bit's worth," said the polite derk* 

" Yes, I want the yeller kind,'' replied the old lady. 

''You don't understand me, madam," said the derk; '^I 
said a bit won't buy any soap in this establishment." 

"Sure enough," replied the aged customer; "soap isn\ 
what it used to be in my time ; they put too mucli roznm in it 
these days." 

" Oh, Lord 1 " exclaimed the now distracted clerk, in a stage 
whisper, " will you just hear this old lunatic i " Then placing 
his mouth to the dame's ear, he fairly screamed ! " We do-n't 
se-ell a bit's worth of soap he-re ! " 

" Yes," said the old lady, "you may put it up in paper and 
tie a string around it, if yoa like." 

The clerk rushed to a box, took out a bar of soap, and almost 
threw it at the poor old woman, exclaiming : 

^^ Take it and get out, you old harridan of thunderation f 



t 



HUMOR. 49 

The old lady careAiUy laid her dime on the oonnter, and, as 
she did so, remarked to tlie clerk : 

*^ You're the politest and aceommodatin'est young man i 
ever seed, and I'll call agin when I want some more soap.^ 



BOUnfirs' •< Prooabmtles/' 

'Prnth iz sed to be stranger than fickshun ; it is to most 
>holks. 

Abont the hardest thing a fellow kan do iz to spark 2 gals 
at one time and preserve a good average. 

Don't dispize your poor relashuns. They may be taken sod- 
denly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain 
things to them . 

Next to a klear konshience for solid comfort cnms an easy 
boot 

If a young man hain't got a well-balanced bead, I like to 9ee 
tiim part his hair in the middle. 

I don't take any foolish chances. If I wnz called upon to 
mourn over a dead mule, I should stand in front bv him and 
do my weeping. 

There is no man so poor but what he can afford to keep one 
dog, and I hev seen them so poor that they could afford to 
keep three. 

I say to 2 thirds of the rich people in tliis world, make the 
most on your money, for it makes the most ov you. Happy 
thought. 

1 never argy agin a success. When I see a rattlesnaix's 
head sticking out of a whole, I bear off to the left and say to 
miself that hole belongs to that snaix: 

The infidel argys just az a bull duz chained tx) a post. Ha 
bHlo^vs and saws, but he don't get; loose from the post, I 
uotiss. 

1 thank the Lord that thare is one thing in this world that 



50 WIT ASD HUMOB. 

money kant bay, 4nd that iz the wag ov a dc^s taO Yure 
ankle. 

1 have seen men so fond of argument that thej woald difr 
pate with a guideboard at the forks of a kantry road aboat the 
distance to the next town. What fools. 



ftfark Twain Boyinff GloveB in GKbraliar. 

A very handsome yoang lady in the store offered me a paii 
of blue gloves. I did not want blue, but she said they would 
look very pretty on a hand like mine. Tlie remark touched 
me tenderly. I glanced furtively at my hand, and somehow il 
did seem rather a comely member. I tried a glove on my left, 
and blushed a little. Manifestly the size was too small for ma 
But I felt gratified when she said: 

*^0h, it is just right!" yet I knew it was no such thing. 

I tugged at it diligently, but it was discouraging work. She 
said: 

'^Ah ! I see yoa are accustomed to wearing kid gloves, oar 
6ome gentlemen are so awkward about puttiug them on." 

It was the last compliment I had expected. I only unde^ 
stand about putting on the buckskin article perfectly. I made 
another effort, and tore the glove .from the base of the thumb 
into ti\e palm of the hand, and tried to hide the rent. She 
kept up her compliments, and I kept up my determinition to 
deserve them or die. 

"Ah, you have had experience! ** [A rip down the back of 
the hand.] "They are iust rtght for you — your hand is very 
small — if they tear, you need not pay for them." [A rent 
across the middle.] " I can always tell when a gentleii>a •• on- 
derstands putting on kid gloves. There is a giiice abt»»r it 
that only comes with long patience. " [^riie whole afterguard oi 
ihe glove " fetched away," as the sailors say, the fabric parte'^ 
(\cross the knuckles, and nothing was left but a melancholy 
nain,] 



• 



HUMOR. 5] 

I was too much flattered to make an exposure and throw the 

ne.chandise on the angel's hands. I was hot, vexed, conftised, 

but still happy, but I bated the other boys for taking such an 

absorbing interest in the proceedings. £ wished they were in 

Jericho. I felt exquisitely mean when I said cheerfully: 

"This one does very well; it fits elegantly. I like a glore 
that fits. Ko, never mind, ma'am, never mind; 111 put the 
other on in the street. It is warm here." 

It was warm. It was the warmest place I ever was in. I 
paid the bill, and, as I passed out with a fascinating bow, I 
thought I detected a light in the woman's eye that was gently 
ironical, and when I looked back from the street, and she was 
laugliing to herself about something or other, I said to myself 
with withering sarcasm: "Oh, certainly; you know how to put 
on kid gloves, don't you? — a self-complacent ass, ready to be 
flattered out of your senses by evevj petticoat that chooses to 
cake the trouble to do it t'' 

Qearge Peek on Ho^rfflnff in the Packs. 

The law-abiding people of this oommunify were startled on 
Tuesday, and the greatest indignation prevailed at an editorial 
article in the Sentirtd denouncing the practice of hugging in 
the public parks. The article went on to show that the placing 
of seats in the parks leads to hugging, and the editor denounced 
hugging in the most insane manner possible. 

The Sun (Joes not desire to enter politics, but when a great 
constitutional question like this comes up, it will be found on 
the side of the weak against the strong. 

The Sentinel advises the removal of the seats fix)m the park 
because hugging is done on them. Great heavens I has it come 
fc this ? Are the dearest rights of the American citizen to be 
abridged in this summary manner ? Let us call the attention 
of that powerful paper to a clause in the Declaration of Inde- 
pendence, which asserts that "all men are created free and 



52 WIT AKD HU.^OB. 

equal, endowed with certain inalienable lights, among which 
are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. When the fram 
ers of that grjsat Declaration of Independence were at work on 
that clause, they must have had in view the pastime of hugging 
in the parks. 

Hugging is certainly a "pursuit of happiness." People do 
not hug for wages — that is, except on the stage. Nobody is 
obliged to hug. It is a soit of spontaneous combustion, as it 
were, of the feelings, and has to have proper conditions of the 
atmosphere to make it a success. Parties who object to hug- 
ging are old, usually, and have been satiated, and are like & 
iemon that has done duty in circus lemonade. If they had a 
job of hugging, they would want to hire a man to do it for 
them 

A man who objects to a little natural, soul-inspiring hug- 
ging on a back seat in a park, of an evening, with a fountain 
throwing water all over little cast-iron cupids, has probably 
got a soul, bu t he hasn't got it with him. To th^ student of 
nature, there is no sight more beautiful than to see a flock 
of young people take seats in the park, afler the sun has gone 
to bed in the west, and the moon has pulled a fleecy cloud 
over her face for a veil, so as not to disturb the worshipers. 

A couple, one a male and the other a female, will sit 
far apart on the cast-iron seat for a moment, when the 
young lady will try to fix her cloak over her shoulders, and 
she can't fix it, and then the young man will help her, and 
when he has got it fixed, he will go off* and leaVe one arm 
around the small of hei back. He will miss his arm, and 
wonder where he lefl; it, and go back after it, and in tlie dark 
he will feel around with the other hand to find the hand he 
left, and suddenly the two hands will meet ;' they will express 
astonishment, and clasp each other, and be so glad that they 
will begin to squeeze, and the chances are that they will cut 
the girl in two, but they never do. Under the circumstances. 



HUMOB. 68 

a girl can exist on less atmosphere than she can when doing a 
washing. 

Tfiere is just about so much hugging that has to be done,, and 
the Sentind should remember that very many people have 
not facilities at their homes for such soul-stirring work, and 
they are obliged to flee to the pai-ks, or to the woods, where 
the beneficent city government ha^ provided all of the modem 
improvements. 

Hugging is as necessary to the youth of the land as medi- 
cine to the sick, and instead of old persons, whose days of 
kittenhood are over, throwing cold water upon the science of 
hugging, they should encourage it by all legitimate means. 

When, in strolling through the parks, you run on to a case 
of sporadic hugging, instead of making a noise on the gravel 
walk, to cause the huggists to stop it, you should trace your 
^ steps noiselessly, get behind a tree, and see how long they can 
stand it without dying. Instead of removing the cast-iron 
seats from the parks, we should be in favor of ftunishing 
reserved seats for old people, so they can sit and watch the 
hugging. 

It doesn't -do any hurt to hug. 

People think it is unhealthy, but nobody was ever known to 
catch cold while hugging. It is claimed by some that young 
people who stay out nights and hug, are not good for anything 
tlie next day. There is something to this, but if they didnH 
get any hugging they wouldn't be worth a cent any time. 
They would be all the time looking for it 

Good Morning. 

"Madaui," he said, "you see before you a bliKhted fellow- 
creature ! I ain't a tramp, marm, I ain't ! I have had my 
little store of wealth laid away for these rainy days, but, ah ! 
marm, a relative and specalation brought ^e to this sad state 



54 WIT AKL» HUMOK. 

in which yoa see me ! 1 was long en railroad stock, marm- 
and — eh ? Wood ? Me ? Me saw that wood ? Madam, I feel 
that yoa can not realize my situation ! Good morning ! ^' 

Siark Twain on the First Woman in Nevada. 

Old inhabitants tell how, in a certain Nevada camp, the 
news went abroad early in the morning that a woman was 
come ! The miners had seen a calico dress hanging out of a 
wagon down at the camping ground — sign of emigrants from 
over the great plains. Everybody went down there, and a 
shout went up when an actual bona fide dress was discovered 
fluttering in the wind ! The male emigrant was visible. The 
miners said : 

'' Fetch her out I " 

He said : *' It's my wife, gentlemen — she is sick — we have 
been robbed of money, provisions, everything, by the Indians 
— we want to rest'* 

*' Fetch her out 1 • "We've got to see her 1 '' 

" But, gentlemen, the poor thing, she — " 

*' Fetch her out ! " 

He "fetched her out," and ihey swung their hats and sent up 
three rousing cheers and a tiger ; and tliey crowded around 
and gazed at her, and touched her dress, and listened to her 
voice with the look of nien who listened to a memory rather 
than a present reality — and then they collected twenty-five 
hundred dollats in gold and gave it to the man, and swung 
their hats again, and gave three more cheers, and went home 
satisfied 

Bli Perkins' Pedometer. 

One of the most curious little instruments brought out lateiy 
by Tiflany & Co. is the pedometer, — a small macliine about 
the size of a watch, which you carry in your pocket to denote 



QUMDB. 0S 

the distaDoe you travel on foot or ride on horseback. It is a 
very accurate machine. A friend of mine pat one in his pocket 
the other dav, and walked from the Fifth Avenue Hotel to 
Central Park and back. Strange to say, it marked the distance 
as accurately as a surveyor could measure it The little ma- 
chine works this way : It tells the number of steps you 
take, or that your horse takes, during any given time. To get 
the length of these steps you take an average. That is, you 
walk two hundred feet ; then count the number of steps ; 
divide the number of inches traveled by the number of steps, 
and you will have the length of your average step. Then set 
the pedometer and start 

The other morning a young married lady,* Mrs. , who 

had suspicions that her husband was ^ Marking" too much when 
he ought to be in his office attending to business, put a pedom- 
eter in his pocket-book. Kissing his wife good-by, the inno- 
cent husband sauntered out and took the stage for his down- 
town office. In the stage he met a dashing widow, who took 
him op to Central Park to see the ammak, or rather to carry 
on a flirtation on some retired, shady seats, roofed with wood- 
bine and ivy. After promenading through the park, visiting 
the seals, the ostriches, the baby lions, and the museum, the 
sentimental husband returned home. 

** Ah, ducky, where have you been- -you look all tired out % *' 
asked the wife, as she kissed him as usual. 

*' Oh, down to the office ; the same old drudgery. Oh, pet, 
I'm so glad to get back to ray little wifey." 

^^Did you take the stage to the door, sweet ? '^ asked the 
wife, tenderly. 

^^ Yes, lovey ; and I was too tired to walk home. Why, I 
aever went out to lunch, I was so busy." 

^^ Judt sat and wrote all day, darling, did you? "^ 

** Tf es, daisey, ail day long. Oh, I'm so tired I * 

*' Let me see your pocket-book, precious," continned the 



56 vm ASD HUmOB. 

wife ; ^' I want to put something in it." Then she opened it 
and took out the little pedometer. 

'' Oh, Edward ! '^ she screamed as she held it ap. 

*'What? Caroline P' 

" Why, here you've traveled eleven miles since morning. 
Where have you been !l How could you ? Oh, you wicked, 
bad man, to deceive your wife sa ! '* 

''But, Caroline—" 

'' Don't but me, Edward ! YouVe been walking around all 
day. You couldn't have been near the office at all. Oh, you 
naughty, naughty man i I'm going home to my mother ; 1 
won't live with you another day. • Now, who was she t Wlio 
was the lady ? " 

" Why, Caroline, I met Mrs. Swope, our clergyman's wife, 
and — " 

'' No, you didn't ; she's been with me all day I Oh, Ed- 
ward I " And then she burst into tears. 

That night that poor, heart-bfoken husb^d swore by all the 
pedometers in heaven or earth that he'd never lie to his wife 
again. He even took a pew in the church next to his mother- 
Tn-law, and every Sunday we can now see him with a pedom- 
dter in his pocket measuring his way to church. ' 



Politenese 

Every one is effected by politeness. Once a gentleman went 
to Milton, the author of " Paradise Lost," a man said to be 
onsusceptible to flattery, and said : 

** Mr. Milton, they say you are the only man in England who 
tSBLn not be flattered." 

^* Do tliey say that?" asked Milton, his face beaming with 
smiles. 

Even Milton was touched with flattery. 



HUUOB. 57 

Mr. Lewis, of the Detroit Free Prsss^ gives this instance of 
flattery : 

^^Can I see the lady of the house?'' inquired a peddler of 
an old woman. 

** Well, yes, you can if you ain't blind I " snapped the woman 
who bad answered the bell. 

^^ Oh,ibeg pardon, madam ! You are the lady of the house, 
then i " 

*' Yes, I am I What d'yer take me for? Did yer think I 
was the gentleman of the house, or the next-door neighbor, or 
one of the farm-hands, or tiie cat, or the ice-chest?". 

^ ^ I didn't know, madam, but you might be the youngest 
daughter." 

** Oh, did yer I Well, that was nat'ral, too," replied the 
lady of the house. ** What d'yer want, sir ? " 

Then the peddler displayed his wares, and when he left that 
door-step half an hour later his face was Ml of pleasure and 
his pockets were full of money. He understood human nature 
and had made a good sale. 

Mark Twain*8 Baby Speech. 

[Mark Twain's remarks at the banquet of the Army of the 
Tennessee were in response to the following toast :] 

*^The Babies : As they comfort us in our sorrows, let us not 
forget them in our festivities." 

Now, that's something like. We haven't all had the good 
fortune to be ladies ; we have not all been generals, or poets, 
or statesmen ; but when the toast works down tQ the babies, 
we stand on common ground — ^for we've all been babies. It is 
a shame that for a thousand years the world's banquets have 
utterly ignored the baby, as if he didn't amount to anything ! 
If you, gentlemen, will stop and think a minute — if you will 
go back fifly or a hundred years, to your early married life, 



58 WIT AND HUMOR. 

and recontemplate your first baby — ^yon will remember that he 
amounted to a good deal — and even something over. 

You soldiers all know that when that little fellow arrived at 
family headquarters you had to hand in your resignation. He 
took entire command. You became his lackey, his mere body- 
guard ; and you had to stand around, too. He was not acom^ 
mander who made allowances for the time, distance, weather, 
or anything else : you liad to execute his order whether it was 
possible or not.^ And there was only one form of marching in 
liiL manual of tactics, and that was the double-quick. He 
treated you with every sotf of insolence and disrespect, and the 
bravest of you did not dare to say a word. You could face 
the death-storm of Donelson and Yicksburg, and give back 
blow for blow ; but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulled 
your hair, and twisted your nose, you had to take it When 
the thunders of war sounded in your ears, you set your faces 
toward the batteries and advanced with steady tread ; but when 
he turned on the terrors of his war-whoop, you advanced in — 
the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance, too. When 
he called for soothing-syrup, did you venture to throw out any 
remarks about certain services being unbecoming to an oflScer 
and a gentleman ? No ; you got up and got it ! If he ordered 
his pap-bottle, and it wasn't warm, did you talk back ? Not 
you ; you went to work and warmed it. You even descended 
so far in your menial office as to take a suck at that warm, in- 
sipid stuff yom'self to see if it was right I — ^three parts water 
to one of milk, a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a 
drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. I can 
taste that stiiff yet ! 

And how many things you learned as you went along I Sen- 
timental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old say- 
ing, that when the baby smiles in his sleep it is because the 
angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but " too thin'' — 
simply wind on the stomach, my friends. If the baby pro- 
posed to take a walk at his usual hour — half-past two in the 



HDHOR. fiO 

morning— didn^ you rise np promptly and remark (wiHi a 
mental additibn which wouldn't improve a Sunday-school 
much) that that was the very thing you were about to propose 
yourself? Oh, you were under a good discipline. And as 
you went fluttering up and down the room in your ^^ undress 
oniform,'' you not only prattled undignified baby-talk, but 
even tuned up your martial voices and tried to sing, '' Bock- 
a-by-6aby on the Tree-top,-^ for instance. What a spectacle 
for an Army of the Tennessee I And what an affliction for the 
neighbors, too, fo^r it isn^t everybody within a mile ah>und that 
likes military music at three o'clock in the morning. And 
when you had been keeping this sort of thing up two or three 
hours, and your little velvet head intimated that nothing 
suited him like exercise and noise, and proposed to fight it out 
on that line if it took all night — '* Go on ! What did you doT 
You simply went on till you dropped in the last ditch. 

I like the idea that a baby doesn't amount to anything 1 
Why, one baby is just a house and a front yard ftdl by itself ; 
one baby can furnish more business tlian you and your whole 
interior department can attend to ; he is enterprising, irrepres- 
sible, brimful of lawless activities ; do what you please, you 
can't make him stay on the reservation. Sufficient unto the 
day is one baby. J^ long as you are in your right mind don't 
you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot ; and 
there ain't any real difference between triplets and insurrection. 

Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the 
land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as 
sacred things if we could know which ones they are. For in 
one of these cradles tlie unconscious Farragut of the future it 
at this moment teething. Think of it ! and putting a word oi 
dead earnest, unarticulated, but justifiable, profanity over it, 
too ; in another, the future renowned astronomer is blinking at 
the shining Milky Way with but a languid i^iterest, poor little 
chap, and wondering what has become of that other one they 
fSBiX the ve^murae; in another, the fotore great historian ia 



60 WIT AND HUMOR. 

lying, and doubtless he will continue to lie till his earthly 
mission is ended, in another, the future President is bnsying 
Himself with no profounder problem of State than what the 
mischief has become of his hair so early ; and in a mighty 
array of other cradles there are now some 60,000 future office- 
seekers getting ready to ftimish him occasion to grapple with 
that same old problem a second time ! And in still one more 
cradle, somewhere under the ^ag, the future illustrious com- 
mander-in-chief of the American armies is so little burdened 
with his approaching grandeurs and iesponsft>ilities as to be 
giving his whole strategic mind, at this moment, to trying to 
find out some way to get hia own big toe into his mouth— an 
achievement which (meaning no disrespect) the illustrious 
guest of this evening also turned his attention to some fifty-six 
years ago I And if the child is but the prophtscy of the man, 
there are mighty few will doubt that he succeeded. 

BaUey on "Cording" a Bedstead. 

It is a little singular why your wife^s mother will persist in 
sleeping on a cord bedstead. . But she does. You don't think 
so much of this until you are called upon to put it up, which 
event generally takes place in the evenings 

The bedstead has been cleaned in the afternoon, and, having 
been soaked through with hot water, is now ready for putting 
up. 

Your wife holds the lamp and takes charge of the conversa* 
tion. The rope has been under water several times in the 
course of the cleaning, and, having swoKen to a diameter 
greater than the holes in the rails, has also got into a fit of 
coiling up into mysterious and very intricate forms. You' at 
first wonder at this, but pretty soon wonder ceases to be a vir- 
tue, and then you scold. 

The thread which has been wound around the end of the 
rope to facilitate its introduction in the holes has come off, and 



HDMOB. 61 

3roii have to roll it np again. Then, al^r you have pnllod it 
through eight holes, your wife makes the discovery that you 
have started wrong. The way that rope comes out of those 
holes again makes your wife get closer to the do jr. 

Then you try again, and get it tangled in your legs. 

By this time you notice that this is the smallest bedroom in 
the house, and you call the attention of your wiie to the iact 
by observing : 

'* Why on earth don't you open the door ? Do you want to 
smotlier me V^ 

She opens the door and yon start again, and she helps you 
with the lamp. Furst, she puts it on the wrong side of the rail, 
then she moves it so the heat comes up from jthe chhnney and 
scorches your nose. Just as you need it the most you lose 
sight of it entirely, and, turning around, find her examining 
the wall to see how that man has put on the whitewash. This 
excites you, and brings out the perspiration in greater profu- 
sion, and you declare you will kick the bedstead out of doors if 
she doesn't come around with that light. Then she comes 
around. 

Finally the cord is laid all right, and you proceed to execute 
the very dejiicate job of tightening it The lower ropes are 
first walked over. This is done by stepping on the first one 
and sinking it down, hanging to tlie head-board with the clutch 
of death. Tlien you step with the other foot on the next line, 
spring that down, lose your balance, gi*ab for the head-board, 
miss it, and come down in a heap. This is repeated more or 
less times across tlie length ot the bed, the only variety being 
the new places you bruise. 

The top cords are tightened in another way, and you now 
proceed to that You first put one foot on each rail, which 
spreads you some, and as you do it the frighttul thought strikes 
you that if one of these feet sliould slip over, nothing on earth 
would prevent you from being split through to the chin. 

Then you pull up the first rope until your eyes seem to be 

\ 



WIT A\D HUMOR, 



on the point of rolling out of their sockets, and the blood in 
your veins fairly groans, and, on being convinced that you 
can't pull it any fiirdier without crippling yourself for life, you 
catch hold of the next rope and draw that up, and grunt. 
Then you move along to the next, and null that up, and grunt 
again. 

Just as you have got to the middle and commence to think 
that you are about through, even if your joints will never again 
set as they did before, you some way or other miss the con- 
nection, and find that you have got to go back and do it all 
over. 

Here you pause for a few minutes of oracular refreshment, 
and then ^slowly and carefully work your way back. You 
don^t Jump down and walk back^ because you are afraid to 
spread out in that way again. You sort of waddle back, work- 
ing the way inch by inch, and with consummate patience. A 
man thus stretched across the bedstead never becomes so ex- 
cited as to lose his presence of nund. It would be instant 
death if he did. 

Then he goes over it again, waddling and pulling, groaning 
and grunting, wliile his wife moves around with the lamp, and 
tells him to take it easy, and not scratch the bedstead any 
more than he can help, and that she can't tell which creaks 
the most, he or the bedstead. And after he gets through she 
has the audacity to ask him to bring in the feather beds. 

The New Dodge. 

'^ Oan you lend me five dollars for a day or two,'' asked an 
impecunious individual of a rich New York merchant. 

" O, certainly — ^glad to do it I" said the merchant, '* We al- 
ways keep five dollars on hand to lend. John,'' he said, turn- 
ing to the clerk, " is our borrower's five dollars in now i " 

" No, sir," said John, " a poor fellow just borrowed it." 

" When will it come back ?" 



HUMOB. Q? 

" Tomorrow, sir." 

"Then, John, as soon as it comes in lend it to Mr. Borrow 
He's the next man you know." Don't forget ! '' 
Mr. Borrow thinks a moment and then sadly walks aeway. 

A fftfth Avontke Bplsodd. 

Miss Livingstone was calling on the Fifth Avenue Woffing^ 
tons yesterday afternoon. As she stepped out of her bottie- 
green landaulet to walk up the Woflington brown-stone portico, 
a swarm of sparrows from Onion Square chirped and twiUereo 
over her head and up along the eaves. The sparrows were 
dodging about after flies and worms — something substantial — 
while Miss Livingstone's mind never got beyond her lace over- 
skirt and the artificials on her Paris hat 

" It's perfectly dreflM, Edward 1 '* she observed to the beli* 
boy as she shook out her skirts in the hall — " howible 1 ^ Then 
flopping herself into a blue satin chair she exclaimed : ^^I do 
hate those noisy spaw'ows, Mrs. Woffington. They'r breastlj 
— perfectly atwocious 1 ^ 

^^ But you know they destroy the worms. Miss Livingstone t 
they kill millions of 'em— just live on 'em. Now, wouldn't you 
rather have the sparrows than the worms, Miss Livingstone i 
Wouldn't you ? " 

^^ No, I wouldn't, Mrs. Woffington. Just look at my new 
brown silk — the nasty, noisy things 1 1 — " 

^ ^ But worms eat trees and foliage and fruit, Miss Living- 
gfeone. They destroy — " 

^^They don't eat silk dresses, Mrs. Woffington, and they 
don't roost on nine dollar ostrich feathers and thirty dollar hats, 
do they it I'm for the worms, I tell you, and I don't care who 
knows it I 1 hate the spaw'ows I " 

" Well, I hate worms, I do. I hate — ^ 

Just then Miss Livin^tone's brother — a swell member of the 
Knickerbocker duo — Kugene Augustus livingistone, entered 



64 WIT AND HUHOJEL 

interrupting the sentence, when both Ii^dies turned on him and 
exclaimed : 

^^Oh, Mr. Livingstone, we are discussing sparrows and 
.worms, and we refer the question to you. Now answer, which 
had you rather have — sparrows or worms! 

*' Well, weally I kont say, ladies. Weally, 'pon m' honoi 
I kont, yen kneuw — ^yeu kneuw. I never had — ^ 

" But which do you think you'd rather have, Mr. Living 
stone? Which—" 

'' I weally kont say, ladies, for I never had the spawows — 
at least, not since I can remember ; but the worms — " 

''Oh, Mr. Livingstone!" and then poor Eugene Augustus 
had to open the window and sprinkle ice-water all over two 
fainting Worth dresses, which looked as if some careless milli- 
ner had let them drop--a woman sinker in each holding it to 
the carpet. 

How BngllBhnien T&Jce Jokes. 

EUPeHBhu 

The English people, they say, are the slowest people ou 
earth to see a joke. Yesterday I was riding over the Grand 
Trunk, near Toronto, and the typical Englishman, with eye* 
glasses, an opera-glass hung around his neck, and a bundle of 
canes and umbrellas under his arm, got on the train. 

-''There is one of those thick-headed Englishmen who can 
never see a joke," remarked a bright commercial traveler. 

"01 think you could make him see the point to a joke,** I 
answered. 

"I'll bet anything," said my firiend, "that you can't make 
that man see the point to an American joke." 

" All right," I said, " I'll try it." 

So, after being introduced to the Englishman, I set out to 
make him smile. I told him the best jokes I knew. He 
always listened attentively, but, instead of seeing tlie precise 
point, he would ask some explanation, while his face wore an 



66 HUMOR. 

expression as blank as a Chinaman when jonVe paid hin^ ^5 
too much change. 

Finally I told the Eiigiishman the old story of the Indian 
who wanted a receipt tor money paid to a white man. Said 
!U *^ The Indian insisted that the white man should give him a 
leoeipt" 

" What do you want a receipt for? " asked the white man, 
••you've paid the money, and fiat's enough." 

^'But me must have receipt,^' insisted the Indian. 

** Why, what for? " asked the white man. 

** Because," said the Indian, *' Injun may die.'' 

*'Well, suppose you do die, I certainly can^t collect this 
money from you then." 

^^But," continued the Indian, '^me may die and go to 
Heaven. The Lord he ask Injun if he good Injun ; Injun say 
yes. Bfe ask Injun if he pay white man. Injun say yes,, yes. 
Then the Lord he say where is the. receipt? What Injun do 
then ? Injun can't go looking all over hell after you I " 

After I got through, the Americans laughed, as they always 
will, even at an old joke, but the Englishman looked me 
straight in the face without a smile. You would think he was 
viewing the corpse at a funeral. Then he put his front finger 
solemnly on the palm of his hand, and said argumentatively : 

*'Now, I don't see'why an Indian is not entitled to a receipt 
as well as a white man. I entirely disagree with " 

But a roar of laughter from the Americans drowned hit 
sentence. It so confused the poor Englishman, to have his 
honest opinions laughed at, that he turned his back on us and 
solemnly waded through the dreary columns of London Pwnch 
all the way into Toronto. 



WIT XSD HUMOfi. no 



Theory vs. Praotioe. 

A. young athlete who had been taking boxing lessons for a 
vear stood on a brown-stone balcony on Fifth avenue, while a 
peddler was screaming " straw-bu-ries.'' 

** Do you sell any more berries for yelling in thatmannerlf" 
asked the young man of science as the peddler yelled his berries 
at the top of his voice. - 

*' Oh, take in your Dose ! ^ was the reply. 

** Some one will take your whole body in some day ! ^ 

*^ But it won't be a man with a wart on his chin I " 

** No impudence, sir f " 

'* And n6ne from you, either I " 

" You deserve a good thrashing !' 

*' And perhaps you can give it to me i " 

There was the golden opportunity. The one had ccienoe — 
the other impudence. The one had received thirty-eight les- 
sons in boxing — the other fairly ached to be pounded. 

" Don't talk that way to me or I'll knock you down ! " said 
the finished pupil as he gently threw himself into position to 
to mash a brick wall. 

" Oh, you will, eh ? Then let's see you do it I " 

Even the graduate couldn't tell exactly what took place. He 
remembered being kicked on the shins, struck on the chin and 
twisted over a horse-block after he fell, but when consciousness 
returned his wife and children were crying over him and the 
peddler was two blocks down the street shouting : 

*' Straw-bu-ries — great big ones— «■ red as blood — perfect 
daisies — only two shillings for a heaping big quart I " 

Lewis* Lime E^ln Olub. 

" I would like to spoke a few words to Telescope Perkins, it 
he am in de hall to-night," said the President, as the meeting 
opened. 



67 HITMOll. 

The brother wiped off his month and advanced to the plat* 
form, and Brother Gardner continued: 

"Brudder Perkins. I met you at 8 o'clock in de evenin' on 
lecshun night'* 

*'Yes, sah/' 

^^ You war what de white folks call slewed.'' 

"Ize mighty sorry, sah." 

** You were full of glory. You felt dat you had saved de 
kentry. Your clothes war all mud. Your breaf smelt of 
skunks, an' you had to jump up and dovm an' whoop to keep 
from bustin' yer biler." 

" Lots of white folks was doin' de same, sah." 

*'Sartin-— sartin. You, an ole ex-slave, unable to read or 
write, was only followin' In de footsteps of intelligent, edde- 
cated white men. Brudder Perkins, I war walkin' roimd on 
'lection day, an' I saw some curus things. I saw citizens who 
would not swallow ten drops of whisky if life depended on it 
wote fur men who hev sold the pisened stuff ober de bar fiir 
years. An' dat was savin' de kentry. 

"I saw men who would turn a servant gal out doors on a 
winter's night, if dey heard a scandle 'bout her, walk up to 
de poles an' wote fur men who rent from two to half a dozen 
houses to women of bad character. That was gwine it straight I 

"I saw men whose wives am breakin' deir hearts ober de 
wayward course of beloved sons, walk to de winder and stick 
in ballots fur candidates who am in cahoots wid blacklegs an' 
de- steady patrons of gambling houses. Dat am de glory of 
politics 1 

"I saw Christian men, who pray agin vice and shed tears 
ober de wickedness of society, wote for candidates whose pri- 
vate lives am one long night of debaucheiy an corruption. 
Dat was standin' by de party. 

" I saw ministers of de gospel cast wotes for drunkards, liber- 
tines an' outlaws of society. Dat was supportin' de principle. 

^^I saw de honest, decent men arrayed on one side, and de 



Wn AND HUMOB. 68 

thngS) thieves an' loafers on de odder, and de honest, decent 
men war swept away like chaff befo^'a gale. Dat was an illus- 
trashnn of de beauties of de 'lective franchise ! " 

'*But I won't do it a^dn, sah," pleaded Brother Perkins. 

" Yon kin sot down," quietly remarked the President "Dat 
same night I heard Aldermen bawlin' like mules bekase some 
favorite candidate had pulled frew wid de aid of money an' 
whisky. Citizens who wouldn't let you in at de front doah 
rolled in de mud dat night like hogs. Men who hev sons to 
bring bp met an' shook hands an' rejoiced ober de 'leckshun of 
candidates who know de way into ebery saloon an' poker-room 
in Detroit Blame you, Brudder Perkins — blame you for fol- 
lerin' de example of leadin' white folks ! No, sah ! Oto an' 
sot down an' feel proud dat you come so nigh bein' an eminent 
citizen I" 

The Steamboat Baod. 

Xork Slooln. 

Presently the pilot said : 

" By Geoi^e, yonder comes the Amaranth I" 

A spark appeared close to the water, several miles down the 
river. The pilot took his glass and looked at it s'teadily for a 
moment, and said, chiefly to himself: '^It can't be the Blue 
Wing ,- she couldn't pick us up this way. It's the Amaranth, 
sure." 

He bent over a speaking-tube and said : 

** WTio's on watch down there ?" 

A hollow, inhuman voice mumbled up through the tube in 
answer: 

"I am — ^second engineer." 

" Good I you want to stir your stumps, now, Harry ; the 
Amaranth's just turned the point, and she's just a humping her- 
self, too I" 

The pilot took hold of a rope that stretched out forward, 
jerked it twice, and two mellow strokes of the big bell responded 

A voice on deck shouted t 



69 mmasL 



ti 



Stand by, down there, with that larboard lead P 

" K<>, I don't want the lead," said the pilot ; " I want you. 
Roust out the old man— tell him the Amaranth's coming. And 
go and call Jim^-4ell him 

"Aye! aye! sir." 

The '^old man" was the captaia. He is always called so 
on steamboats and ships. ^^ Jim " was the other pilot. Within 
two minutes both these men were flying up the pilot-house 
stairway, three steps at a jump. * Jim was in his shirt sleeves, 
with his coat and his vest on his arm. He said : 

" I was just turning in. Where's the glass ?" 

^e took it and looked : 

^^ Don't appear to be any night hawk on the jack-staff; i^% 
the Amaranth, dead sure I" 

George Davis, the pilot on watch, shouted to the night 
watchman on deck : 

" How's she loaded V* 

" Two inches by the head^ sir P 

" Tain't enough I" 

The captain shouted now : 

^' Call the mate. Tell him to call all hands and get a lot ot 
the sugar forrard — ^put her ten inches by the head. Lively 
now !" 

''Aye! aye! sir! " 

A riot of shouting and trampling floated up from below, 
presently, and the uneasy steering of the boat soon showec* 
that she was getting *' down by the head." 

The three men inthepilotrhouse began to talk in short, sharp 
sentences, low and earnestly. As their excitement rose, their 
voices went down. As fast as one of them put down the spy 
glass, another took it up — but always with a studied air *>* 
calmness. Each time the verdict was : 

''She's a-gaining 1 " 

The captain spoke through the tube  



WIl' ANU HUMOR. 70 

**Wliat steam are you carrying?*' 

^* A hundred and forty-two, sir I but she's getting hotter and 
hotter all the time." 

The boat was straimng, ana groaning and qmvering, like a 
monster in pain. Both pilots were at work, now, one on each 
side of the wheel, with their coats and vests o£^ their bosoms 
and collars wide open, and the perspiration flowing down their 
&ces. They were holding the boat so dose to the shore that 
the willows swept the guards almost from stem to stem. 

" Stand by I" whispered Geoi^. 

^^ All ready ! '^ said Jim under his breath* 

"Let her come 1", 

The boat sprang away from the bank like a deer, and darted 
in a long diagonal toward the other shore. She closed in again 
^nd thrashed her fierce way along the willows as before. The 
captain put down the glass : 

"Blazes, how she walks up on us I I do hate to be beat !^* 

The Amaranth was within three hundred yarde of the Boreaa. 
and still gaining. The "old man" spoke through the tube: 

" What is she carrying now ?" 

"A hundred and sixty-five, sir." 

* ' How's your wood ? " 

"Pine all out cypress half gone— eating up cottonwool 
(ike pie 1 " 

" Break into the rosin on the main deck ! pile it in — ^the boat 
can pay for it ! " 

Soon the boat was pmnging and quivering and screaming 
more madly than ever. But the Amaranth's head was aliP«)6t 
abreast the Boreas' stem. 

" How's your steam now, Hany i " 

" Hundred and eighty-two, sir." 

"Break up the casks of bacon in the forrara hold I File it in I 
Levy on that turpentine in the fantail — drench every &Ml of 
wood with it 1 " 

ThQ boat was a moving earthquake by this time. 



i 1 IirMOR. 

**How is she now?'' 

**A hundred and ninety-six and still a-swelling! — water be 
low the middle gauge cocks ! — carrying every pound she can 
stand I — ^nigger roosting on the safety-valve ! " 

* ' Gtood I Ho w^s your draugh t ? " 

"Bully! Every time a nigger heaves a stick of wood into 
the furnace he goes out the chimney with it I '' 

The Amaranth drew steadily up till her jack staff breasted 
the Boreas' wheel house— climbed along inch by inch till her 
chimneys breasted it. 

"Jim," said George, looking straight ahead, watching the 
slightest yawning of the boat and promptly meeting it with the 
wheel, " howll it do to try Murderer's Chute ? " 

"Well it's — ^it's taking chances. How was the cotton wood 
stump on the false point below Boardman's Island this mom- 
ing?" . 

"Water just touching the roots." 

"Well, it's pretty close wort That gives six feet scant in 
the head of Murderer's Chute. We can just barely rub through 
if we hit it exactly right But it's worth trying. She don't 
dare tackle it," meaning the Amaranth. 

In another instant the Boreas plunged into what seemed a 
crooked creek, and the lights of the Amaranth were shut oat 
in a moment Not a whisper was uttered, now, but the three 
men stared ahead into the shadows, and two of them spun the 
wheel back and forth with anxious watchftilness, while the 
steamer tore along. The Chute seemed to come to an end 
every fifty yards, but always opened out in time. Now the 
head of it was at hand. George tapped the big bell three times ; 
two leadsmen sprang to their posts, and in a moment their 
weird cries rose on the night air and were caught up and re 
peated by two men on the upper deck : 

'•No-o bottom!" 

**DeepfoarI" 

^•Halfthreel'' 



Wn AKD HUMOR. 72 

"Quarter three I *• 

*'Mark under water three I ** 

'rHalf twain!" 

" Quarter twain ! — ^ 

Davis pulled a couple of ropes, there was a jingling of small 
bells far below, the boat's speed slackened, and the pent steam 
began to whistle and the gauge cocks to scream. 

*'By the mark twain I'' 

*^ Quarter her^— er— less twaml" 

'' Eight ^»n^ a half?" 

"Eight feet!" 

" Seven an' a— half I—" 

Another jingling of little bells and the wheels ceased turning 
tf together. The whistling of the steam was something fright- 
ful now ; it almost drowned all other noises. 

" Stand by to meet her I " 

George had the wheel hard down and was standing on a 
spoke. 

"All ready I" 

The boat hesitated, seemed to hold her breatii — ^as did the 
captain and pilots — ^and then she began to fall away to star* 
board, and every eye lighted. 

** Now then ! meet her ! meet her I snatch her 1 " The wheel 
flew to port so fast that the spokes blended into a spider web, 
£he swing of the boat subsided ; she steadied herself. 

"Seven feet 1" 

•*Sev — six and a half/^ 

['Six feet \ Six f— " 

" Bang ! She hit the bottom ! George shouted through the 
tube: 

" Spread her wide open ! Whole it at her 1 " 

The escape pipes belched snowy pillars of steam aloft, the- 
boat groaned and surged and trembled and slid over into — 

"Mark twain!" 

** Quarter her helm/' 



78 HUXOB. 

Tap ! tap ! tap ! (to signify ^^ lay in tiie leads.^ 

And away she went, flying up the willow shore with the 

whole silver sea of the Mississippi stretching abroad on every 

hand, and, no Amaranth in sight 

The Oariona Yankee. 

A well-known citizen of Hartford, Connecticut, had taken 
his seat in the afternoon train tor Providence yesterday, when 
a small, weazened-&ced, elderly man, having the appearance 
of a well-to-do fiumer, came into the car, looking for a seat 
The gentleman good-naturedly made room for him by his side, 
ard the old man looked over him from head to foot 

^^ Going to Providence ? " he said, at length. ^ 

^^No, sir,'^ the stranger answered, politely; ^^I stop at 
Andover." 

'^ I want to know I 1 belong out that way myself. £xpect 
to stay long ?" 

" Only over night, sir." 

A short pause. 

'^ Did you cal'late to put up at the tavern t " 

*^ No, sir ; I expect to stop with Mr. Skinner.'' 

" What, Job Skinner's ? — Deacon Job — lives in a little brown 
house on the old 'pike? Or, mebbe, it's his brother's t Was 
it Tim Skinner's — Squire Tini's — where you was goin' ? " 

^^ Yes, it was Squire l^m's," said the gentleman, smiling. 

*^ Dew tell if you are goin' tliere to stop over night Any 
connection of his'n t " 

"No, sir." 

" Well, now, that's curus ! The old man ain't got into any 
tfooble, nor nothin', has he ? " lowering his voice ; " ain't goin* 
to serve a writ onto him, be ye ?" 

"Oh, no, nothing of the kind." 

" Glad on't No harm in askin', I s'pose. I reckon Jtim 
Skinner's some connection of yonml ^ 



Wrr AMD HUMOB. 74 

^ No^" said the gentleman. Then, seeing the anrased ex- 
pression on the faces of two or three acquaintances in the 
neighboring seats, he added in a confidential tone : ^'I am 
going to see Squire Skinuer^s daughter." 

^^Law sakesl'Vsaid the old man, his face quivering with 
cnriositj. " Th(iC% it, is it, I want to know J Goin' to see 
Mirandy Skinner, be ye ? Well, Mirandy's a nice gal — ^kinder 
humbly, and long favored, but smart to work, they say, and I 
guess you're about the right age for her too. Kep' company 
together long ? ^ v 

*' I never saw her in my life, sir." 

'^ How you talk. Somebody's gin her a recommend, I s'pofle^ 
and you're gin' dear out there to take a squint at her. Wa'al, 
I must say there's as likely gals in Andover as Mirandy Skin- 
ner. Pve got a family of grown-up darters myself. Never 
was married afore, was ye ? Don't see no weed on yur hat" 

^^I have been married about fifteen years, sir. I have a 
wife and five children." And then, as the long restrained mirth 
of the listeners of this dialogue burst forth at the old man's 
opened-mouthed astonishment, he hastened to explain : *^ I am 
a doctor, my good friend, and Squire Skinner called at my 
office this morning, to request my professional services for his 
sick daughter." 

^^ Wa'al, now I" And the old man here waddled off into the 
next car. 



Stanley Huntley's "Lee Inoomprehensiblas." 

BOOK I. 

A man sat on picket-fence. 

Picket-fences were invented by Charlemagne, and improver^ 
upon by Charles U of England. 
Still the man sat on the fence. 



75 mcuosL 

BOOK n. 

The fence surrounded a tall, gloomy building. The building 
had shutters at the windows. The man was a Frenchman 
They are copyrighted. All Frenchmen not bearing the signa- 
ture of the author are spurious. 

It was night It was a dark night. Darkness is a shadow 
that rises from the ground when the sun goes down. 

The man on the fence was thinking. His name was lip- 
piatt 

BOOK m. 

Lippiatt loved Maronette. Maronette was a girl. She knew 
Lippiatt. She did not know that Lippiatt loved her. 

Maronette lived in the gloomy house. Lippiatt did not tell 
Maronette that he loved her. He was content to sit on the 
fence in front of her house. He was a quiet man. Like all 
Frenchmen, he was the bravest man in thirteen counties. He 
was a tailor. A tailor is a man who promises to have your 
clothes done for Saturday, and brings them around week after 
next. 

Lippiatt was poor. All heroes are poor. 

BOOK IV. 

Maronette opened a window and shied an old boot at Lip* 
piatt 

*' Is that you, Lippiatt? " 

" Yes ! " said Lippiatt 

Maronette laughed. 

* *^ My father said that I must marry the man who will bring 
him the Norwegian maelstrom," said Maronette. 

Lippiatt got off the fence and walked away. 

BOOK V. 

Like all tailors in France, Lippiatt was a good sailor. He 
stole a boat and started for the coast of Norway. A fearful 
ttorm came on. The world drew on a heavy cloak to piroteGt 



, WIT AND HUlfOB. 7A 

itself fix>m the storm. The sea opened a thoiuand months to 
swaUow lippiatt It was hungiy for him. His beard and 
hair were filled with salt Great grasping hands reached down 
to snatch him. 

Lippiatt only laughed. 

The scenes grew wilder. Monsters of water crowded against 
the boat They were reaching for Lippiatt He steered his 
boat to avoid them. 

A wave averages twenty feet in height It contains 400 tons 
of water. It is thicker at the base than at the top. In this 
respect it is like a pyramid. But it is not three-cornered. It 
is oval in shape. A round wave is a water-spont Awatei^ 
spout is thick at the top and bottqm and slender in the middle. 

Lippiatt knew this. 

He was afraid of waves. He was fearM ot waterspouts. 

BOOK VI. 

In four days Lippiatt arrived at the maelstrom. 

*'It is for Maronette," said he. 

The maelstrom is shaped likea tunnel. The lower end is at 
the bottom. The mouth is at the top. It is caused by the 
tides. The Norwegians supposed it to be caused by a hole in 
the earth. Lippiatt knew better. 

He went down in the maelstrom and tied a rope round the 

lower end. To this rope he adjusted blocks and pulleys. Then 

he climbed out of the pit and fastened the other end of the 

rope to the masthead. The blocks gave him a purchase 

He rested. 

BOOK vn. 

Having rested^ Lippiatt pulled on the rope. He pulled the 
maelstrom inside out The bottom was then at the top. It 
spun around iike an inverted top. 

Lippiatt drove a staple into it and fastened his line. Then 
he set saU. The maelstrom followed. 

'^1 shall marry Maronette,^' he said. 



77 HUHOB. 

BOOK vin. 

Another man sat on the picket fence. It was Gondenay 
Goudnenaj loved Maronette. Maronette loved Goudnenay. • 
Oondenay saw something coming in the harbor. 
" What's that ? " he asked. 

It looked like an inverted funnel. It was 1,000 feet high. 
^^ I don^t know,'' said Maronette. 
She was right She didn't 

BOOK n. 

lippiatt soon landed.* He took the maelstrom on his shoul- 
ders. Then he went to the gloomy house. He hung the mael- 
strom on the picket fence. 

" How do you do, Goudenay," he asked. 

He knew Goudenay. He had disappointed him about some 
grousers. 

^^I am happy," said Goudenay; ^'I am going to marry 
Ifaronette." 

lippiatt looked at Maronette. 

^^Tes," she said, ^'I marry Goudenay this morning." 

BOOK X. 

Lippiatt went to the wedding. 
He gave Maronette a silver card receiver. 
Manonette smiled. 

Lippiatt went back to the picket fence. He ate the mael- 
strom up. 

BOOK XI. 

As the wedding party went home they saw a dead body 
lying beside the picket fence. The point of the maelstrom was 
sticking out of his mouth. 

" Good gracious !" said Maronette. 

^^Holy smoke ! " exclaimed Goudenay. 

It was Lippiatt 



WIT AKD HUlCOfi. 78 



Hioneety That Surprised the IGner. 

In Denver, years ago, when Denver was made up of a popu- 
lation of robbers, gamblers and adventurers, there used to be a 
miners^ bank, a bank where miners deposited bags of gold-dust, 
or sold it for currency. In the bank, before the teller's win- 
dow, there stood one day a forlorn, dejected, woe-begone look- 
ing old miner — a seedy old forty-niner. He wore an old, faded 
slouch hat, about the color of his tangled, sun-browned beard. 
He never spoke as the other miners came in and exchanged 
their dust for coin, and no one spoke to him. He was a per- 
sonified funeral — a sad, broken-hearted man. As this sad 
miner stood there one day, smoking his pipe, and seemingly 
oblivious to everything, a young man entered and jauntily 
handed in his bag of dust. 

^^It weighs six hundred and eighty dollars, Mr. Johnson," 
said the teller, taking it from the scales. 

^'All right ; give me credit on the books," said the young 
man, moving toward the doon But, turning on his heel in 
the doorway, he paused a nioment, put his hand thoughtfully 
across his brow, and said: 

* ^ I beg youf pardon, sir; but it seems to me you made a lit- 
tle mistake in paying me last week, didn't you? " ' 

"No, sir; we never err, sir," said the teller, harshly; "and 
if we did make a mistake yesterday, it's too late to correct it 
now. You should have spoken about it at the time." 

'^But, sir, I am positive that you paid me ninety dollars too 
much. Suppose you weigh the last week's bag again," uiged 
the young man. 

" O, if the error was that way, perhaps we did make a mis- 
take," replied the teller, putting the bag of gold-dust on the 
scales ag^n. "Goodness! I did make a mistake. I paid you 
just ninety dollars too much, and — " 

" Here's your money," interrupted the honest young man, 
throwing down the amount in coin. 
6 



I 

I 

I 



79 BUMOB. 

*^ Fm very mnch obliged,'^ said the teller : ''for the mistaiiti 
wbuld have come out of my wages when we came to balance 
the books. I cannot thank you too much." 

The only man watching the transaction was the old slouch- 
hatted miner. He arose, fastened his eyes on the honest young 
man, then came and watched him pay the money back. Sur- 
prise filled his countenance. His eyes opened wide, and his 
lips feU apart with astonishment Then, looking the honest 
young man straight in the face, he exclaimed : 

'' Stranger, don't you feel mighty lonesome 'round Jieret ^ 

Jogih, BillinffB on Setting Bans. 

The best time to set a hen iz when the hen iz reddy. 1 
kant teU what the best breed iz, but the shanghigh iz the 
meanest It costs az much to bord one az it duz a stage boss, 
and you might az well try to fatt a faimin-mill by runnin oats 
thru it Their aint no profit in keepin a hen for hiz eggs il 
he laz less than one a day. Henz is veiy long-lived if they 
dont contract the throat dizeaze ; there iz a great menny goes 
to pot eveiy year, by this melanchoUy dizeaze. I kant tell 
cckzactly how to pick out a good hen ; but az a general thing, 
the long-eared ones I know are the least apt to scratch up a 
garden. Eggs packed in ekal parts of salt and lime-water will 
keep fix>m 20 to 30 years if tha are not disturbed. Fresh beef- 
steak iz good for henz. I suppose 4 or 6 pounds a day iz all 
that a hen would need at ftist along. I shall be happy to 
advise you at any time on the hen question— and take it oiU 
in eggs. 



WIT. 

B6w it Dijffers €rom Hmnok'. 

; Wit eimplj oonsiste in exaggeration. The humerous writer, 
like Dickens, describes scenes in real life tmthfiillj. That is 
hninor. Baron Munchausen deals in pure imagination and 
fancgr. He is a pure wit. When some one asked the \~ankee 
farmer whose hogs were very poor how he kept them from 
crawling through the knot holes in the pen, he answered : 

^^I tie knots in their tails." 

That was pure wit— pure exaggeration. 

There was a strange mixture of wit and humor in the an 
swer of Porson when some one said : *' Byron and Tennyson 
and the modem poets, sir, will be read when Homer and Yir 
gil are forgotten. " 

** Yea," said Porson, ** and not till then I " 

The answer at first seems like wit, but when you think of it, 
it becomes humor, because you know it is true. 

Taking Castor Oil — WU. 

A good illustration, showing how a subject can be handled 
in a witty manner was told me by W. H. Tippetts of the I^conr 
derogian: 

A young lady came into Alexander Weed's drug store and 
asked him if were possible to disguise castor oil. 

" It's horrid stuff to take, you know. Ugh 1 " said the young 
lady, with a shudder. 

*' Why, certainly," said Mr. Weed, and just then, as anothei 
young lady was taking some soda water, Mr. Weed asked her 
if she wouldn't have some too. After drinking it the yoQiig 
lady lingered a moment and finally observed : * 



81 



WIT. 



"Now, tell me, Mr. Weed, how would you disguise castor 
on?" 

"Why, madam, I just gave you some — ^ 

*'My gracious me!" exclaimed the young lady, *'WhyI 
wanted it for my sister!" 

Taki/ng Oastor OU-^Hwrnor. ' 

M. Quad, who always writes with a master's hand, treats 
(he same subject humorously. 

His loving mother had had her mind made up for two or 
^hree days that the boy needed some castor oil, but she knew 
that she must approach him gently. She placed the bottle 
where he could not see it, and when he turned up bis nose, 
she said : 

'* It's just like honey, my darling." 

He seemed to doubt her word, and she continued : 

"If you'll take some, PU let you go to the circus." 

" How much?" he cautiously inquired. 

" Oh, only a spoonful, just a spoonful," she replied, as she 
uncorked the bottle. 

"And you'll give me some sugar, besides? " he asked. 

" Of 2oui'8e I will — a big lump." 

He waited until she began pouring from the bottle, and then 
asked : 

" And you'll give me ten aents, too % " 

" Yes, of course." 

"And you'll buy me a shoo-fly kite?" he went on, seeing 
his advantage. 
. "I guess so." 

"No kite — no lie," he said, as he stepped back. 

" Well, I'll buy you a kite," she replied, filling the spoon up 

" And a velocipede ? " 

"I'll think of it." 

" You can't think no castor oil down me 1 " he exr^laimed^ 
ookiDg around for his hat 



WIT AKD HUXOB. 82 

^''Here — I will, or Fll tease father to, and I know he will. 
Gome, now, swallow it down." 

'* And jonll buy me a goatl" 
•Yea.'' 

*^ And two h^indred marbles? " 

''Yes. Now take it ri{^t dowa.^ 

'' And a coach dogt " 

''I can't promise that ' ^ 

''All right— no dog, no flet*^ 

" Well, m ask your ftther.* 

" And youTl b'ly me a pony ? ^ 

" Oh, I couldn't do that* Now be a good bey and b-wallow 
it down," 

" Oh, yes, Fll swallow that stufl^ I will ! " he said as he 
clapped on his hat " You may fool some other boy with a 
circas ticket and a lump of brown sugar, but itll take a hundred 
dollar pony to trot that castor ile down my throat ! '' 

And he went out to see if theneij^bor's cat had beenoaiight 
in tiie dead-fall he set for her. 

Mr. Tippetts' account ends with a little sparkling imagina^ 
tjon and fancy, 'while M. Quad's story is an utterly true 
account, requiring no imagination or fancy to see the point 

Mnthisr and PabUahinff . 

The following are given as instances of wit, because eacH 
case is purely imaginative. Each case has been exaggerated 
by the fertile brain of the writers ; 

EU Perhms on Pri/ntmg and PMitiki/n/g. 

A beautiful young authoress went to George W. Garleto^i, 
JLhe publisher, to get him to print a book for her. 

''But I do not print books,'' said Mr. Garleton, "I am a 
publisher/^ 

^^ Well, now, what is the difference between a publisher and 



88 ^^T. 

a printer f asked the young lady, opening her eyes bewilder 
ingly. 

** Why simply this, my dear young lady," said Oarleton, 

'if I should print a kiss on a beautiful joung lady's cheek, it 

«7ould be simply private printing, but if I should go out and 

tell the whole world about it, that would be publishing, and 

the meanest kind of publishing, too/' 

^^ I should think so," said the young lady. 

The Stinffiest Man in Soheneotady. 

The stingiest miser in Schenectady was Deacon Chase. He 
was stiDgy aU his life, and even died stingy. When his wife 
died he bought a double gravestone, and had his own name 
put on the other side. The day he died he limped and stag^ 
gered into the barber shop to get shaved 

"You — charge — ten cents — to— shave— live men, don*5 
you? " asked the deacon. 

" Yes, that is our price," replied the barber 

** What— you charge — to shave — dead men?" gasped the 
deacon. 

>^One dollar," said the barber, wondering what he meaut 

" Then — shave me — quick," said the deaa>n, nervously eye- 
ing the watch which the doctor held in his hand. He was too 
weak to speak further, but the doctor interpreted aright the 
question that was in his eyes. 

" Fifteen minutes," replied the doctor. " You'll live fifteen 
minutes more." 

The deacon made a feeble motion, as with a lather-brush, 
and the barber was at his work in a jiflFy. He performed his 
task with neatness and despatch ; and, although the deacon 
had several sinking spells of an alarming nature, yet he bore 
up to the end. When the last stroke of the razor was given, 
the deacon gasped, in tones of satisfaction : 

** That'll do — ninety — cents — «awS," and immediately es 
pired. 



WIT AKD HTJHQB. 84 



The Orteisal Parrot Story. 

Mr. Trovers, who stammers enough to make a stoiy mte^ 
eating, went into a bird faneier^s, in Center street, to buy a 
parrot 

'• H-h-have you got a-a-all kinds of b-b-birds? " asked Mr. T. 

" Yes, sir ; all kinds,'' said the bird fender, politely. 

'' I w-W'Want to b-buy a p-p-parrot," hesitated Mr. T. 

** Well, here is a beauty. See what glittering plumage I " 

'* I-i-is he a g-g-good t-talker ? " stammered Trovers. 

'^ If he can't talk better than you can I'll give him to you ! " 
exclaimed the shopkeeper 

William bought the parrot 



A F06I DisooverB 



:kiiiT_ .li 



A letter was once received at the post-office in New Orleans 
directed to the biggest fool in that city. 

The postmaster was absent, and on his return one of the 
young clerks informed him of the receipt of the letter. 

^^ And what became of it 2 " inquired the postmaster. 

*' Why," repKed the clerk, "I didn't know who the biggest 
fool in New Orleans was, so I opened it mysel£" 

'^ xVnd what did you find in it ? " inquired the postmaster. 

'' Find ? " replied the derk. " Why nothing but the words, 
•Thou art the man.'" 



Hlffhly IndUrnaat 

JBK Perkbkg, 

** What I Pat Byan whip me ? " exclaimed Sullivan, the 

pugilist, scornfully. 
" iTes, I think he a>uld," replied a bystander 
^^ uick mei Me ! Why, Pat Eyan can't lick a postage- 

stamp I" 



86 WIT 

^^ How often," asked an impatient creditor, ^^nmst 1 dimb 
three pairs of stairs before I get the amount of this little 
account ? " 

Debtor: ^^Do yon think I am going to rent a place on the 
first floor to accommodate my creditors 1 * ' 



Giiswold on the Tramp. 

•*Saw wood! Saw wood this cold winter's day for my 
dinner 1 " said the tramp, with a look of horror. " Not much 
I won't It isn't that I object to labor. I yield to no man in 
respect for the Qod-given privilege of earning my sweat by 
the bread of my brow. £ am ready, nay, anxious to work. 
Oive me some hay to spread, right oat here in the snow. 
Show we where there is a stone wall to lay — ^behind. Any- 
thing but helping in the most distant way to devastate the 
mighty forests of this broad land, that the Almighty meant to 
gather moisture and induce the reviving rain to fall upon the 
parched earth. Why, do you know that this continent is 
doomed to become an arid desert if this destruction goes on i 
It's a fact, and I won't be a party to it No forests, no rain ; 
everything dry — dry as I am. I decline the responsibility tor 
it Tell me where I can find some hay to spread, I say — oi 
some oats to cradle, and 111 take off my overcoat and go and 
hire you a boy to do it ; but no wood-sawing for me, If yot 
please ! " 

Qreek Wit and Wisdom. 

John Bandolph stole one of his best witticisms from Aris- 
tippus, the cynic and pupil of Socrates. 

When a pedantic singer was boasting of his voice, Ari» 
tippus said : 
♦* It takes no brain to have a good voice " 
*^How is that!" asked the singer. 



Wn AJSD HUMOB. 86 

<^ Whj, a tin-horn with an idiot behind it can produce betxer 
music than any singer in Greece I '' 

This made the singer mad, and he twitted Aiistippus with 
having no children. 

^^The Gods will not permit any more such cynics to be 
bom, while I have many children,'' said the singer. 

^^Yes, you ignoramus," said Aristippus, ^^you boast of a 
quaUty of which aU slaves are your equal and every jackass 
your superior I '' — Ihindated from ike Oreek hy EU Perkins. 

Doii*t Praise Tour Horse Too Boon. 

*^Mr« Johnson, that is a fine horse you have there ; what is 
he worth ? '* 

''Three hundred and fifty dollars.'* 

''No, not so much as that \^ 

"Yes, every cent of it, and another fifty on top of if* 

•• Are you sure ? " 

*' Yes, m swear to it* 

''All right.'' 

''What are you so darned inquisitive for? " 

" Merely for assessing purposes. I am the assessor for this 
ward, and only wanted to know what you rated your ndg at'* 

" Oh, I see what you're driving at Well, for the purpose 
of sale, he's worth every cent pf it, but for taxation he's not 
worth more'n twenty-five dollars." 

A Ftenohman's Surprise. 

The Geyser Spring, in Saratoga, is still spouting The 
w^ter bursts from the bowels of the earth through solid rock 
eighty feet from the surface, and then flies twenty feet into the 
air. 

A Frenchman — ^Baron St Albe, from the " States'^ Hotel — 
weni over to see the spring spout yesterday. As the volume 



WIT 



of water burst into the air he dropped his umbrella on the arm 
ot a jonng lady, and, raising both hands in the air, is said to 
have exclaimed : 

^^ £h I dis is ze grand spectakle I Suparbe I Magnifique i 
By gar, he bust np fast rate I " 

Deose Population. 

'* Where is your house ? ^ asked a traveler in the depth of 
one of the old ^^ solemn wildernesses " of the Great West. 

•* Sbtcae/ I ain't got no house.'* 

" Well, where do you live ? " 

*^ I live in the woods — sleep on the Great Government Pur- 
chase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out of the Mis 
sissippi 1 " 

And he added : 

^^ It is getting too thick with folks about here. You're the 
second man I have seen within the last month ; and 1 hear 
there's a whole famdly come in about fifty miles down the 
river. Fm goi^ to put out into 'the woods ' again I " 

» 

Veacy Cnoaely Belated. 

•* Well, Sam, ITl tell you how it i& You see, 1 married a 
widow, and this widow had a daughter. Then my father, 
l)eing a widower, married our daughtei so you see my father 
is my own son-in-law." 

« Yes, I see." 

" Then again my stepdaughter is my Pfep-mother, aint she ? 
«Vell, then, her mother is my grandmother, ain't she ? I am 
married to her, ain't II So that makea cne my own grand- 
father, doesn't it I '^ 



Wrr AND HUHiOiB. 



Pigeon BngUsh (Ohineae Dialect). 

EH Perkisu, 

Mrs. Van Anken, of Fifth avenue, recently employed a Chi- 
nese eook — Ah Sin Foo. When the smiliug Chinaman came 
to take his place, Mrs. Van Auken asked him his name. 

" What is yonr name, John ? " commenced the lady. 

" Oh, my namee Ah Sin Foo." " 

^^ Bnt I can't remember all that lingo, my man. TU caU 
you Jimmy." 

" Velly wellee. Now, wha chee namee I callee you i " asked 
Ah Sin, looking ^p in sweet simplicity. 

" Well, my name is Mrs. Van Auken ; call me that." 

"Oh, me canno 'member Missee Vanne Auken. Too big 
piecee namee. I callee you Tommy — Missee Tommy. " 



Cause and Bffldct. 

In 1876 all the newspapers were full of a kind of para- 
graphs where the cause and effect were very far apart. For 
instance : 

Nancy Jones, a beautiful young lady of liOg City, lighted a 
fire with kerosene last Saturday. Her iuneral sermon will be 
preached this afternoon. No flowers. 

Again : * 

Bill Jones asked a stranger if he was the same man who 

nad been in jail at Cherryville for stealing chickens, but when 

he picked himself up and found his teeth scattered around on 

the sidewalk, he wished the interrogation point had never 

been invented. 

« * 

^'We are informed that the gentleman who stood on his 
head under a pile-driver for the purpose of having a tight 
pair of butes druv on. found himself the next day in Chiny, 
perfectly naked, and without a cent in his pockets.*' 



89 WIT. 

Again: 

A man in Log City insisted, against his 'wife's wishes, in 
smoking on a load of hay — coming home shortly afterwards 
without any whiskers or eyebipws, and the iron-work of his 
wagon in a gunny bag. 

A woman put her tongue to a flatriron to see if it was hot 
That household has been remarkably quiet since. 

« « 

^^If Gteorge had not blowed into the muzzle of his gun," 
sighed a widow at the funeral of her husband, ^'he might 
have got plenty of squirrels, it was such a good day for them. ^' 
'^He handled his gun carelessly and put on his angel plun^ 
age." 

Jim Stewart mistook the head-lights of an engine for a fire- 
bug. He subsequently joined the temperance society. 



Conservative Answera 

EH PfrUns. 

' ' I don't know what you think, Charley, " said a very conservar 
tive man to his friend, ''but I think when one fellow borrows 
another fellow's horse and buggy, and cuts the buggy up for 
kindling wood and don't return the horse, why I think it's bcui 
taste! 

This was not quite so severe as the opinion of a Western 
judge who was asked about a mean man who was caught pass- 
ing counterfeit money at a donation party: 

"Why," said the judge, ''the Pytliagorians held that the very 
moment one person dies another is bom, and that the soul of 
the one that dies goes into the soul of the one that's born. 
Now, I've been calculating up and I find that when Charley 
Oardner, who passed that counterfeit bill on the minister, when 
he was bom I found out nobody died." ^ 



Wrr ASD HDIIDB. 00 



Origin of Nameei 

A young Oil Citizen calls his sweetheart Bevenge, becanse 
she is sweet — OU Oity Derrick. 

And the young married man in South Hill calls his mother-in^ 
caw Delay, because she is dangerous. — BwrUngton Hawkeye. 

And a South End man calls his wife Fact, because she is a 
stnbbom thing. — Boston Globe. 

And a fourth wife of a district attoroey calls him Necessity, 
because he knows no law. — New Orlecms Times. 

And a Cincinnati man names his coachman Procrastination, 
because he stole his watch. — BreaTcfast TcUtjile. 

And we called a beautiful schoolma'am that we used to go to 
Elxperience, because she was a dear teacher. — Eli Perkins. 

And a Yonkers man names his wife Frailty, because Shakes- 
peare says: "Frailty, thy name is woman. — Yonkers Oazette, 

Eli Perkins calls his wife Honesty, because he says it is the 
best poliqr. — N. T. Herald. 

Bobbinff an Bditor. 

"Listen, my children,'' said a venerable man, " and I will 
tell you a stoiy, beautiAil and true. Once upon a time there 
was a bad, bold robber, who had his haunt in the wilds of a 
mountain. At the foot of the mountain, in the valley, was a 
-village. It was not a very large village, yet in it a newspaper 
was printed. The robber looked upon the editor of the news- 
paper as being the chief man of the village, and thought he 
must be very rich. So one dark night he came down from his 
den in the mountain and stole into the dwelling of the editor 
and then into the room where he slept. The editor, being a 
good man, slept as soundly and sweetly as a child. The rob- 
ber searched all the place, but could not find the caskets of 
gold and diamonds he had supposed to be stored up in the 
room. He then put his hands in all the pockets of the clothes 



91 WIT, 

of the editor, but found no money in any of them. The rob- 
ber then stood for a time as in a stupor. He was like one 
awakened from a dream. He listened for some moments to 
tUe deep, regular breathing of the sleeping editor, and as he ' 
stood so he began to feel sad. The heart of the bold, bad man 
was touched. Quietly he took from his purse $1.75, placed 
the money in the pantaloons pocket of the editor, and soMj 
stole from the house. In the morning, when the editor got up 
and put on his pantaloons there was a jingle as of money. A 
look of astonishment came into the face of the editor. He pnt 
his hand into his pocket aiid drew out the money. When he 
saw this great wealth the knees of the editor smote together ^ 
he turned pale, fainted, and fell to the floor, and there lay as 
one who is dead.'' 

^' Did they ever catch the editor, grandfather ? ^ 
^^No, my darlings, they didn't want to catch him. But 
when the editor came out of his faint, aud his eyes again saw 
all the money lying about the room where it had fallen, he 
v^as sorely perplexed. At last he felt sure it had been quiedy 
placed in his pocket in the night by a great and rich neighbor, 
who owned a tanyard and was running for the legislature. So 
foi days and days he printed in his paper whole 'X>lumns of 
praise of the rich neighbor, who was elected to the office, and 
ever after the two men were the greatest friends. Thus, my 
dears, do good actions always meet with their reward.'' 

Bow AUiffators Bat. 

An alligator's throat is an animated sewer. Everything 
which lodges in his open mouth goes down. He is a lazy dog, 
and, instead of hunting for something to eat, he lets his vic- 
tuals hunt for him. That is, he lays with his great mouth 
open, apparently dead, like the 'possum. Soon a bug crawls 
into it, then a fly, then several gnats and a colony of mos- 
quitoes. The alligator don^t close his mouth yet. He is 



WIT AND HUMOR. »* 

waiting for a whole drove of things. He does his eating by 
wholesale. A little later a lizard will cool himself nnder the 
shade of the upper jaw. Then a few frogs Vill hop up to 
catch the musquitoes. Then more musquitoes and gnats light 
on the frogs. Finally a whole village of insects and reptiles 
settle down for an afternoon picnic. Then, all at once, there 
is an eartliquake. The big jaw falls, the alligator slyly blinks 
one eye, gulps down the whole menagerie and opens his great 
front door agtdn for more visitors. 

• 

Jeonla June Bays 

** Gathered waists are very much worn this winter." 
If the men would gather the waists carefully and not squeeze 
so like blazes, they would not be worn so much. Some men gc 
to work gathering a waist just as they would go to work wash 
ing sheep, or raking and binding. They ought to gather as 
though It was eggs done up in a funnel-shaped brown paper at 
a grocery. 

Pomposity Squelohed. 

^^ Is the cashier in?" asked apompons peddler as he entered 
%bank. 

**No, sir," was the reply of the teller. 

'^ Well, I am dealing in pens, supplying the New England 
banks pretty largely, and I suppose it will be proper for me to 
deal with the cashier." 

^^I suppose it will," said the teller. 

** Very well ; I will wait." 

The pen peddler took a chair and sat composedly for a fuQ 
hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time he began to grow 
nneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes, 
and, seeing no prospect of a change in his drcumstanoes, aaked 
die tellar how soon the cashier would be in. 



83 Wit. 

« 

" Well, I don't know exactly," said the waggish teller, " but 
I expect him in about eight weeks. He has just gone to Lake 
Superior, and told me he thought he should come back in that 
time. • ' 

Peddler thought he would not wait. 

^'Oh, you may stay if you wish,** said the teller very 
blandly. '* We have no objection to you sitting here in the 
day-time, and you can probably find some place in town where 
tihey will be glad to keep you nights/' , 

The pompous peddler disappeared without another wonL 

mi Perkins* I^bw Tear's OaQs. 

Fifth Heavbnitb Hotel, 1 A. M., Jan. 2. 

I don't feel like writing to-day ; my head aches. I made 
New Year's calls yesterday — made 125 calls. I finished them 
about twelve o'clock— iBm hour ago. 

I had my call-list written off, and commenced at Sixtieth 
street and came down. My idea was to make 125 calls of five 
minutes each. This would take €25 minutes, or ten hours. I 
think I did it. I worked hard. I was an intermittent perpet 
ual motion. I did all anybody coiUd do. If any fellow says 
he made 126 calls, he — well, he is guilty of a li-bel. I tried 
it. I made my 125th call with my eyes closed, and at mj 
126th I swooned on the hall stairs. Nature was exhausted. 
Oh, but wasn't it fun I It is nothing to make calls after you 
have been at it a spell. The last twenty calls were made with 
one eye dosed. I was actually taking a mental nap all the 
time. My tongue talked right straight ahead, from force of 
habit Talking came as easy as ordinary respiration. All I 
had to do was to open my mouth and the same words tomblea 
oat: 

" Hap — new year, Mis-Smite 1 ^ 

«« Ah I Mr. Perkins, I'm delighted— » 

^* tta^ you have man'hap' returns -:- by-by ^ * 



WIT ASD HT71I0B. f^ 

" But amt yon going to take a drink to — '* 

^' Thank — ^^spleasui (drank)'; may yoa live (hie) thousand 
years!" 

" By-by " (sliding into the hall and down the front steps). 

I started at noon. Made first call on young lady. 

She said : " You have many calls to make. Won't you for 
tify yourself with a little sherry ? '* 

I said I (hie) would, and drank small glass. 

Called next on married lady on Fifth Heavenue. 

She said : "Let's drink to William — you know Will is ofl 
making calls on the girls." 

" AH right, Mrs. Mason ; ^ then we drank some nice old 
Port to absent William. 

On Forty ninth street met a sainted Virginia mother, who 
had some real old Virginia egg-nogg. 

Very nice Southern egg-nogg. Abused the Yankees, and 
dfknk two glasses with Vii^ia mother. 

On Forty-sixth street met a lady who had some nice Oali- 
fomia wine. Tried it. Then went across the street with Dem- 
ocratic friend to say New Year's and get some of old Skinner's 
1886 brandy. Got it Mrs. Skinner wanted us to drink to 
Skinner. Drank to Skinner and ate lobster salad* 

Met a friend, who said : 

^^ Let's run in land (hie) see Coe, the temperance man.*^ 

Coe said : ^^ Temperance is wise these times." 

" Fac'," sez I. '' Les drink to him.' 

Drank twice to temp'rance. Drank to Mrs. Temperanoa 
Drank to children. 

Drove round to Miss Thompson's on Fifth Heavenue. 
Thompson's famous for rum punch. Tried two glasses with 
Miss Tliompson. Very happy. House looked lovely. Ate 
brandy peaches. Good many lights. Pretty girls quite 
nura'rous. Drank their health. Drank claret Then drank 
Roman puncli. Went out, leaving a Dunlap hat for a Knox, 
and a twelve-dollar umbrella in the hat-rack. 

7 



96 WIT. 

Happy thought ! Took Charley Brown in the carriage with 
driver, and got on outside with myself. 

Charley said, ''Let's drop in on the Madison Heavenue 
Masons." "All right." Dropped in. Miss Mason says: 
"Have some nice old Madeira? " 

"Yes, Miss Mason, will have some, my aearie." Drank to 
Mrs. Mason, and ate boned turkey to young ladies. Young 
ladies dressed beautiMly — wore court train and shoes a la 
Pompadour. Left overcoat and umbrella, and changed high 
hat for iur cap. Saw a span of horses in a carriage drawn by 
Charley King. Charley was tightually slight. Said he'd been 
in to Lee's, eating boned sherry and drinking pale turkey. 

Now, all called on the Lambs, on Thirty-fourth Heavenue. 
Old Lamb was 'round. Drank brandy peaches here, and ate 
more pony brandy. Young ladies beau'ful — high-heeled 
dress and shoes deccUette. Oreat many of them. Nice 
Roman punch with monogram on it. Presented large bouquet 
In comer to Mrs. Lamb. Exchanged hat for card-basket, and 
slid down front banisters. 

Called on Vanderbilt. Hang (hie) Van-Vanderbiltl Van 
derbilt didn't rec'v calls. Carried off card-basket and hung 
Charley's hat on bell-knob. Used Vanderbilt's cards to make 
other calls with. Kept calling. Called steady. Called be- 
tween calls. Drank more. Drank everywhere. Young ladies 
more beautiful. Wanted us to come back to tha party in the 
evening. Came back. Grand party. Gilmore furnished by 
music. Drank more lobster salad. Drank half a glass of silk 
dress, and poured rest on skirt of Miss Smith's champagne 
in comer. Slumped plate gas-light green silk down on to 
nice ice-oi'eam. Dresses wore white tarletan young ladies cut 
swallow-tail. Sat on young lady's hand and held stairs. Very 
^ic) happy. Fellows had been drinkin'. 

11 p. M. Left party. Carriage outside wanted me to get 
into Fred Young and prom'nade over to the Stewarts. Bomau 
punch had been drinking Fred. He invited eight other horsefl 



WZr ABD HUMOiB. 



96 



to get into the feUows and ride around to Stewart's. Stewart 
tight and house closed np. Left pocket-book in card-basket 
ontside, and hung watch and chain on bell-knob. 

Galled on the Fergisons. All up. Had old Burgundy. 
Feigison's a brick. Took shenj. Beau'ful young lady dressed 
in blue Roman punch. Opened bottle of white gro% gram 
trimmed with Westchester county lace. Drank it up. Fellows 
getting more tete-uly slight. Drank Pompadcmr rwra with 
young lady dressed a la Jwmmoa. Hadn't strength to refuse. 
Drank hap' New Tear fifteen times — ^then got into Fifth 
Heavenue Hotel, and told the driver to drive 'round to the car- 
riage. CSamo up to letter, and wrote this room for the Daily 
CofnJ(in.6yi)erti9er. Pulled coat off with the boot-jack, and 
stood self up by the register to dry. Then wrote (hie) — 
wrote more (hie). (T — u, PiHK(hic)iNB 



BDl de Fire. (Frenoh Dialect.) 

Ferrin, the landlord of the Westminster Hotel, in New 
York,, is not often nonpli^sed, but last August a dapper little 
Frenchman staggered him for a moment Walking up to the 
office, he accosted Ferrin with : 

^^ K you please^ monsieur, you shall send bill de fire in my 
room.^ 

^^ A what?" said Ferrin, looking at the thermometer, which 
indicated ninety-two degrees. 

'^ I wish ze bill de fire in my apartment," replied the French- 
man. 

'•All right, sir," said Ferrin, with that outward imper- 
turbability with which the true hotel-keeper receives an order 
tor anything, even if it be gold-dust pudding with diamond 
plums. "John 1 fire in 10,001." 

^ Tes, sur^r-r," said John, and by the time the Frenchman 
iiid arrived at his room, John, with perspiration pouring o^ 



of him, had the grate filled and a blaze roaring up the chm> 
ney like mad. 

'^ Yat ze diable yon do? " said the astonished foreigner. 

^^ Boilt a fire as je ordered," replied the other exile. 

" Fire 1 " said the Frenchman, '' I shall roast myself wiz ze 
heat ! " and rashing down stairs he appeared at the ofiioe with 
infiamed face and moistened shirt-collar, exclaiming : '^I ask 
yon not for ze fire. What ! think I wish to make myself more 
hot, eh? I call for bill de fire — ze bill, ze cart so I can eat 
♦nyself wiz my dinaire." 

*'Bill of fiure? Oh, yes, sir,'' said Ferrin. "I beg yonr 
pardon. 

And he politely passed out the programme for the day, bnt 
deputed a Frenchman of the restaurant to answer any further 
orders from' the subject of Napoleon. 

Fbolixiir A OhiDamaiL 

A plump little Celestial, his almond eyes twinkling with de- 
light and an extraordinary grin lighting up his yellow counte- 
nance, dropped in to witness the lottciy drawing the other day. 

He watched the blindfolded boys draw the numbers fix>m the 
wheel with apparent interest, and bore the jokes of the crowd 
around with evident good-nature. 

^^8ay, John, you washee that man's shirtee?" asked one of 
the crowd, pointing to one of the benevolent-looking commis- 
sioners. 

^^I washee heapee plenty shirtee, if I winee plize,'' replied 
the bland Mongolian. 

**Have you got a ticket, John?" inquired the man in the 
crowd. 

*' Well, me tlinkee me habee," replied the Chinaman, draw> 
ing one from his pocket '' Tlickee win ? " he inquired. 

The man in the crowd looked at the number, and scanning 
his list, found that it had come in for a $$00 prize. 



WIT AND HUHOR. db 



** Well, John," replied the man in the crowd, very innocently, 
-• I think youVe lost" 

'^ Cliinee man kisee allee time," said the subject of the Flow- 
ery Empire; "gotee no luckee, gless tlow tlickee away." 

^^ Yon needn't do that, John," said the man, with a patron- 
izing air. *' I'll give you a dime for it" 

^* Dlime too lillee. Olimme a dollar," said the*Oeleetial. 

"A dollar's too much for a ticket that can't win. We'll split 
the difference and call it half a dollar, eh ? " said John's kind 
informant 

<^ Chinee man glottee no luckee; Melican man takee allee 
mlonee. Takee the tlickee and glimme flo' bittee; " and John 
Dafised over his ticket in exchange for the money. 

When the Mongolian's grinning features had disappeared the 
aian chuckled and remarked that he had ^^got her this time.'' 

*' Let's see the ticket," said one of his friends. 

The man who had made the luc^ investment handed the 
ticket over, when his fiiend exclaimed: 

' ' Why, Gteorge, it was drawn just last June I " 

^^ Is that so } " asked the man, dumbfounded, the revelation 

that he had been duped dawning upon him. '^ Where is that 

« 

lying rascal of a heathen Chinee who put up this job on mef 

Bubenstein'B Plano-Flayiziff. 

'* Jud., they say you heard Rubenstein play when you were 
in New York." 

"I did in tlie cool." 

** Well, tell us about it" 

^^ What I nie ? I might's well tell you about the creation of 
the world." 

"Come, now ; no mock modesty. Go ahead." 

*^ Well, sir, he had the blamedest, biggest, cattycomeredest 
pianner you ever laid eyes on; somethin' like a distracted 
billiard-table on three legs. The lid was heisted, and mighl^ 



00 WET. 

well it was. If it hadn't been, he'd a t6re the intire insides 
clean out, and scattered 'em to the fonr win/Is of heaven." 
. */ Played weU, did he ? " 

" You bet he did ; but don't interrup' me. When he first 
set down he 'peared to keer mighty little 'bout playin', and 
wisht he hadn't come. He tweedle-leedle'd a little on the 
^ble, and twoodle-oodle-oodle'd some on the base — jest foolin' 
and bosin' the thing's jaws for bein' in his way. And I says 
to a man settin' next to me, s' I, ^ What sort of fool playin' is 
that? ' And he says, ^ Heish ! ' But presently his hands com- 
menced chasin' one 'nother up and down the keys, like a passel 
of rats scamperm' through a garret very swift Parts of it was 
sweet, though, and reminded me of a sugar squirrel tumin' the 
wheel of a candy caga 

"'Now,' I says to my neighbor, 'he's showin' off He 
thinks he's a<i«in' of it, but he ain't got no idee — no plan ol 
nothin'. If he'd play me up a tune of some kind or othei 
I'd—' 

" But my neighbor says, ' HeiBh ! ' very impatient 

" I was just about to git ap and go home, bein' tired of thar 
foolishness, when I heard a little bird waking up away off in 
the woods, and calling sleepy-like to his mate, and I looked up 
and I see that Kubenstein was beginnin' to take some interest 
in his business, and I set down agin. The music began to 
make pictures for me faster than you could shake a stick ; to 
tell tales like the stoiy-books, and to start all sorts of feelin's — 
it just toted me like I was a child wherever it pleased, and 
showed me all kind of things tliat is and things that isn't 
and couldn't never be. It was the peep o' day. The light 
come faint from the east, the breeze glowed gentle and fresh, 
some more birds waked up in the orchard, then, some more in 
the trees near the house, and all begun singin' together. People 
begun to stir, and the gal opened the shutters. Just then the 
first beam of the sun fell upon the blossoms ; a leetle more and 
It techt the roses on the bushes, and the next thing it was broad 



wrr Ain> humob. 100 

day. The snn fairly blazed ; the birds sang like they'd split 
their little throats ; all the leaves was movin' and flashin' 
diamonds of dew, and the whole wide world was bright and 
happy as a king. Seemed to me like there was a good break- 
fast in every honse in the land, and not a sick child or woman 
anywhere. It was a fine mornin'. 

'*And I says to my neighbor, 'That's music, that is.' 
"But he glared at me like he'd like to cut my throat. 
"Presently the wind turned ; it begun to thicken up, and 
a kind of gray mist come over things ; I got low-sperited 
d'rectly. Then a silver rain begun to fall. I could see the 
drops touch the ground ; some flashed up like long pearl ear- 
rings, and the rest roUed away like round rubies. It was 
pretty, but melancholy. Then the pearls gathered themselves 
into long strands and necklaces, and then they melted into thin 
silver streams running between golden gravels, and then the 
streams joined each other at the bottom of the hill, and made 
a brook that flowed silent, except that you could kinder see 
the music, specially when the bushes on the banks moved as 
the music went along down the valley. I could smell the 
flowers in the meadow. But the sun didn't shine, nor the birds 
sing; it was a foggy day, but not cold The most curious 
thing, though, was the little white angel boy, like you see in 
pictures, that run ahead of the music brook, and lead it on 
and on, away out of the world, where no man ever was — 
/ never was, certain. I could see that boy just as plain as I 
see you. Then the moonlight came, without any sunset, and 
shone on the graveyards, wliere some few ghosts lifted their 
hands, and went over the wall, and between the black sharp- 
top trees splendid marble houses rose up, with fine ladies in 
the lit-up windows, and men that loved 'em, but could never 
get a nigh 'em, and played on guitars under the trees, and 
made me that miserable I could a cried, because I wanted to 
love somebody, I don't know who, better than the men with 
guitars did Then the sun went down, it got dark, the wind 




"Oolt, my Rubel" (Ciee (>age iOl.* 



WIT. 101 

moaned and wept like a lost child for its dead oiother, and I 
conld a got up then and thar and preached a better sermon 
than any I ever listened to. There wasn^t a thing in the 
world left to live for, not a blame thing ; and yet I didn^t 
want that masic to stop one bit. It was happier to be miser- 
able than to be happy without being miserable. I couldn't 
understand it I hung my head and pulled out, my handker- 
chief, and blowed my nose loud to keep from cryin'. My eyes 
is weak anyway. I didn't want anybody to be a-gazin' at me 
a-snivelin', and it's nobody's business what I do with my nose. 
It's mine. But some several glared at me, mad as Tucker. 

'^Then, all of a sudden, old Ruben changed his tune. He 
ripped and he rarM, he tipped and tar'd, he pranced and he 
charged, like the grand entry at a circus. 'Feared to me that 
all the gas in tlie house was tamed on at once, tilings got so 
bright ; and I hilt up my head ready to look any man in the 
face, and not afeared of nothin'. It was a circus, and a brass 
band, and a big ball, all goin' on at the same time. He lit 
into them keys like a thousand of brick ; he give 'em no rest 

« 

day nor night ; he set every livin* jint in me a-goin' ; and not 
bein' able to stand it no longer, I jumpt spang onto my seat, 
and just hollered : 

" * Oo it, my Rube! * 

^^Ey^ry blamed man, womip, and child in the house riz on 
me and shouted, ' Put him out! put him out ! ' 

" *Put your great-grandmother's grizzly-gray-greenish cat 
into the middle of next month ! ' I says. ^ Tech me if yon 
dar ' I paid my money, and you jest come a-nigli me !' 

'' With that some several p'licemen run up, and I had to 
simmer down. But I would a fit any fool that laid hands on 
me, for I was bound to hear Ruby out or die. 

^' He had changed his tune agin. He hop-light ladies and 
tip-toed fine from eond to eend of the key-board. He played 
soft, and low, and solemn. I heard the church-bells over the 
hills. The candles in heaven was lit One by one I saw the 



iOd WIT AND BUllOftr 

stars rise. The great organ of eternity began to play from the 
world's end to the world^s end, and all the angels went to 
prayers. Then the mnsic changed to water, fall of feeling that 
oouldn't be thought, much less told about, and begun to drop 
-^rip, drop, drip, droiH-clear and sweet, like tears of joy 
fidlin' into a lake of glory. It was sweeter than that It was 
as sweet as a sweetheart sweetenin' sweetness with ^hite sugar 
mixt with powdered silver and seed diamonds. It was too 
sweet. I tell you the audience cheered. Euben he kinder 
bowed like he wanted to say, ' Much obleeged, but Vd rather 
you wouldn't interrupt me.' 

^^ He stopt a minute or two to fetch breath. Then he got 
madl He run his fingers through his har, he shoved up his 
sleeves, he opened his coat-tails a little further, he drug up his 
stool, he leaned over, and, sir, he just went for that old planner. 
He slapt her face, he boxed her jaws, he pulled her nose, he 
pinched her ears, and he scratched her cheeks till she furly 
yelled. Heknocktherdownandhestomptonhershamefiil. She 
bellowed like a bull, she bleated like a calf, she howled like a 
hound, she squealed like a pig, she shrieked like a rat, and 
then he wouldn^t let her up. He run a quarter-stretch down 
the low-grounds of the oase, till he got clean into the bowels of 
the earth, and you heard thunder galloping after thunder 
through the hollows and caves of perdition ; and then he fox- 
chased his right hand with his left, till he got away out of the 
trible into the clouds, whar the notes was finer than the pints 
of cambric needles, and you couldn't hear nothin' but the 
shadders of -em. And then he wouldn't let the old planner go. 
He for'ard-two'd, he crost over first gentleman, he crost over 
first lady, he balanced to pards, he chas&ade right and left, 
back to your places, he all hands'd aroun', ladies to the right, 
promenade all, in and out, here and tliar, back and forfli, up 
and down, perpetual motion, double and twisted and tied and 
tamed and tacked and tangled into forty-'leven thousand doable 
bowknotB. By jings I it was a mixtery. And then he wooMd.^ 



wtr. 108 

let the old ptanner go. He fetcht up Mb right wing, he fetcht 
up his left wing, he fetcht up {ns centre, he fetcht up his re- 
servee. He fired bj file, he fired bv platoons, by company, b^ 
regimento, and by brigades. He opened his cannon, mege«unfl 
down thar, Napoleons here, twelve pounders yonder, big gons^ 
little gons, middle^ize guns, round shot, shells, shrapnels, 
grape, canisters, mortars, mines and magazines, every livin' 
battery and bomb argoin' at the same time. The house trim- 
bled, the lights danced, the walls shuk, the fioor come up, the 
oeilin' come down, the sky split, the ground roct^t ; heavev 
and earth, creation, sweet potatoes, Moses, nine-pences, glory, 
ten-petiny nails, my Mary Ann, hallelujah, sweet Onsar in a 
'sinmion-tree, JeroosaI'm, Tump Tompson in a tumbler-cart, 
roodle-oodle-oodleoodle-oodle — ruddle-uddle^ddle-uddle^ddle 
— ^raddle-addle«ddle-addle-addle — riddle-iddle-iddle4ddle-iddle 
— reetle-eetle-eetle-eetle-eetle-eetle — p-r-r-r-r-r-lang I p-ivwHH^ 
lang I per lang I per plang I p-r-rHr-r-r4ang t Bajxq i 

^^ With that hang / he lifted hisself bodily into the ar, and 
he come down with his knees^ his ten fingers, his ten toes, his 
elbows, and his nose, striking every single, solitary key on that 
planner at the same time. The thing busted, and went off into 
seventeen hundred and fifty-seven thousand five hundred and 
lorty-two hemi-demi-seml-quivers and I know'd no iao\ 

^^ When I come to I were under ground about twenty foot, 
in a place they call Oyster Bay, treatin' a Yankee that I never 
laid eyes on before, and never expect to agin. Day was 
a-breakin' by the time I got to the St Nicholas Hotel, and I 
pledge you my word I didn't know my name. The man asked me 
the number of my room and I told him, ' Hot rmmc on the 
half sheUfor two ! ' I pintedly did." — Moses Adams. 

A Uve Oomxneroial Traveler 

Sheriff Wiggins, of Dallas, Texas, made it a prominent 
part of his businaes to ferret out and punish oomi lercial trav 






104 wrr akd hitkoiu 

elers who traveled in Texas without a license ; but one mom* 
ing he met his match — a genuine Yankee drummer. 

' ' What have you got to sell ? Anything ? ^ asked the sheriff, 
as he met the Connecticut man on the streets. 

" Oh, yes ; I'm seUing medicine — patent medicine. Selling 
Badway's Beady Belief, and it's the bes't thing in the world. 
You ought to try a bottle. It will cure yom* ager, core rheu* 
matism — cure everything." 

" And you will sell me a case* ^ 

"Sartenlx sir; glad to.'' 

Then the sheriff bought a case. 

^^ Anything more ? " asked the dmmmer. 

^^ Yes, sir ; I want to see your license for selling goods In 
Texas. That is my duty as the high sheriff of Dallas county.'' 

The drummer showed him a document fixed up good and 
strong, in black and white. The sheriff looked at it, and pro- 
nounced it " all right." Then turning to the commercial trav- 
eler, he said : 

**' I don't know, now that I've bcmght this stuff, that I shall 
ever want it. I reckon that I may as well sell it to you again. 
What will you give for it ?" 

" Oh, I don't know that the darned stuff is any use to me ; 
but seeing it's you, sheriff, I'll give you a dollar for the lot ef 
you raly dovCi want it." . 

The sheriff delivered back the medicine at four dollars dis- 
count from his own purchase, and received his change. 

" Now," said the drummer, *' I've got a question or tew to 
ask you. Hev you got a dnunmer's license about your trousers 
anywhere ? " 

^' No ; I haven't any use for the artide my9elf^ replied the 
sheriff. 

"Hain't, eh? Wal, I guess we'll see about that pretty 
darned soon. Ef I understand the law, it's a clean case that 
f ou've been tradin' with me, and hawkiu' and peddlin' Bad- 



WIT. 105 

way's Beady Belief on the highway, and I shall inform on 
you — damM ef I dcnCt^ neow I " 

'WTien the Yankee reached the oonrt-honse he made his com- 
plaint, and the slieriff was fined eight dollars for selling with- 
out a license. 

The sheriff was heard afterward to say that '^yon might as 
well try to hold a greased eel as a live Yankee." 

Hotel Wit. 

Potter Palmer, hearing of the whereabouts of a gaest who 
had decamped from the Palmer Houde without going through 
the formality of paying his bill, sent him a note : 

' ' Mr. -, Dear Sir : Will you send amount of your bill^ 

and oblige," etc. 

To which the delinquent rephed . 

^^ The amount is $8. 62^. Yours respeodUly." 

The followmg conversatiOD tdok place rBoeotly in a hotel : 

^* Waiter I " 

** Yes, air.'' 

^ * What's this P 

**It*s bean soup, sur.** 

*^No matter what it has been, the question is, what is it 
now ? " 

» 

When a man without cash or credit attempts to leave a 
hotel, and lowers his valise out of a back window by means ot 
a rope, it makes charity seem cold to hear the voice of the 
landlord below, yelling up : 

" All right, I've got the valise ; let go the rope** 

A waiter at Saratoga handed an Arizona man a bill of fare. 
'^Oh, take that paper away, sir I'' he said, ^'I didn't come 
hero to read. I want to eat'' 



106 WIT AKD HCmOB.* 

"But it'8 the bill of fare, sir I'' 
"The what?" 
"The bill of fare 1" 

"Oh, well; how much is it?'^ putting his hands in his 
pockets. 

A Meat-eoric Sbower. 

The baby rolls upon the floor, 

Kicks up his tiny feet, 
And ^kes his toes into his mouth—- 

Thus making both ends meet. 

The dog, at^h^d to a tin pail, 

Goes howling down the street, 
And, as he madly bites his tail^ 

He maketh both ends meet. 

The butcher slays the pensive pig, 

Cuts off his ears and feet, 
And grinds them into d sausage big— 

Thus making both ends meet. 

The farmer coops his ducks and hens 

Feeds them with corn and wheat; 
The means must Justify the ends. 

For thos he ma^es them meaL 



A Very Modest Man. 

'^ Mr. Grordon, won't you step into the parlor for a moment! 
I wish to speak with you," asked a New York boarding-house 
keeper of a modest boarder who owed her two montlis' back 
board. 

'^^Beaiiy, Mrs. Qrimshaw, I should like to accommodate you; 
but what would the boarders say at seeing us alone? Think of 
tiie scandal going through the papers, madam. Oh, no ! Ex- 
cuse me.'' 

Equally as modest a man was a beggar who called on Mrs. 
Vanderbilt and said: 



iOt wif. 

* •* Unless yon give me aid, Mrs. Vanderbilt, I am afraid J 
shall have to resort to something which I greatly dislike to do." 

Mrs. Yanderbilt handed him a dollar, and asked compassion 
Italy: " What is it, poor man, that I have saved you Irom t " 

*' Work," was the moamfiil answer. 

Too Inquisitive. 

Sam Bacon, the most inquisitive man in New Haven, was , 
riding down the Houston road irom Falls Village, when an 
Englishman came into the car with one leg. 

^^ I guess you been in the army, stranger," said Sam, look- 
ing down at the leg. 

" No, sir, Pve never been in the army," said the Englishman 

^^ Fought a duel somewhere, I guess," suggested Sam. 

"No, sir, never fought a duel." 

"Been wrecked on the cars, perhaps? ** 

"No, sir ; nothing of that kind." 

Sam tried various dodges, but to no effect, and at last, almost 
out of patience with himself^ as well as with the gentleman, 
whose patience was very commendable, he determined on a 
direct inquiry as to the nature of the accident which caused the 
gentleman to lose his leg. 

"I will tell you," replied the Englishman, "on condition 
that you will promise not to ask me another question." 

" Veiy well," said Sam, "just tell me how you lost that leg, 
and I won't ask you another question." 

"Well, sir," remarked the Englishman, "it was bit off! '** 
' "Bit off!" cried Sam. " Wa'al, I declare; I should jes 
like to know what on airth — " 

''No, sir, not another question," interrupted the English- 
man, "not one." 

When Sam Bacon reached Bridgeport, he was taken down 
with a sick headache. His curiosity was too much for 
but he died without having it satisfied. 



wn AND HUMoa. 108 



BU Perkixia on Drunkards. 

The lag? New York ban mot happened on New Teart day. 
Cteorge W. Carleton, the publisher, the brightest wit in New 
York, in making his New Year's roaud, called on a good old 
mother in Israel on Madison avenue. She is a real good old pillar 
of the Methodist Church — Mrs. Brewster is, with white Quaker- 
combed hair, and nine naughty grandchildren. Wlien I saw 
Freddj, the youngest, he was sailing a paper boat in the New 
Year's claret punch-bowl, and shooting witli his bow and arrow 
at the things on a Christmas tree. 

^^ Freddy, yon mustn't be rude,'' said the good old grandr 
mother, catching him by the arm. 

^^ On do way,'' said Freddy, pulling one arm almost out of 
his sleeve in his effort to escape. 

^'Little boys must not sass their grandmothers, Freddy,'' 
said the old lady. ^'I never knew a boy to sass his grand 
mother who didn't come to some bad end." 

^^ Fourteen years ago," continued the old lady, ^^ I knew a 
attle boy who sassed his grandmother up in Stamford, Conn. 
He got up in an apple tree and sassed her, and I knew that 
boy would come to some bad end. Well, I watched that boy, 
aiid what do you think ? Why, last week he died, and went 
down to a drunkard's grave. Yes, he filled a drunkard's 
grav3, and — " 

^^ And the drunkard let him do it," interrupted Mr. Carle- 
ton. "And I'll bet ten dollars that that miserable druiikard 
is now in New York drinking wine and eating big dinners at 
Delmonicc'^ every day, while this poor little boy who sassed 
his grandm>ither occupies his grave up in Stamford. It's a 
shame ! NoiH>dy but a mean, miserable drunkard would stand 
by and see an .mfortunate little boy oocapy his grave." 




•Ptftaritl Of ooutM I didn't 1 Why should IT I didnt take it, 
dUir (Seepage IOOl) 



wir. 109 



A Sharp Banfiralik 

A shrewd old Windom county jankee went into a grocery 
store at Norwich and asked the price of herrings. 

"Three cents apiece,'' answered the grocer. 

" Ah,** said Smarty, briskly, *'ni take one ;" and the gro- 
cer rolled him up his herring. As he took the parcel, a new 
thought struck him. 

" Keep beer ? " he shouted, explosively. 

*^ Yes," said the grocer, as soon as he recoyered from the 
3hock of his customer's abruptness. 

^^ How much a glass t " 

"Three cents.''* 

'^^Oh, ah," said the customer, thoughtfully, and then with 
great rapidity: "Well, I won't take the herring — PU take 
beer; herring's three cents; beer's three cents; give me the 
beer — there's the herring;" and he passed over the herring, 
drank the beer, and started to go. 

"See here," intorrupted the grocer, "you Haven't paid for 
the beer." 

" Paid for it ; of course I haven't ; I gave you the herring 
for it ; both the same price, you said." 

" Y-e-8 — I know," said the grocer, who was getting con 
fused ; " but you didn't pay for the herring." 

" Pay for it ! " thundered Smarty ; " of course I didn't. Why 
should I? 1 didn't take it, did I?" 

And then the grocer said meekly : " Oh, well, I presume it's 
all right — only I don't — but of course you're correct — oniy, 
if you'd just as leave, I wish you'd trade somewhere else." 

The customer retired, end the grocer fell into a brown study, 
from which he at length emerged, with the remark, " Well, 
thttfs a darned smart feller, anyhow." 



110 WIT AND HUMOR. 



Bow a Missouri Desperado Showed Ss Qratitade. 

EH Par 

Two years ago, the James brothers, who sacked the express 
ear, and ''went through" the passengers on the Chicago, 
Bock Island and Pacific at Gad's Hill^ stole the money box at 
the Kansas State fair. They rode into Kansas City on horse- 
back, and when the cashier was walking to the bank with the 
receipts of the day, about $2,000, they pointed their pistols at 
his head, seized the box, and galloped oif. This was done in. 
broad daylight, in the midst of a great crowd. 

Some time afterward, one of the Kansas City reporters wrote 
an article about these highwaymen, saying some kind tilings. 
He called them brave, and said they had done the most daring 
deed in the highwayman's record. A few nights afterward, 
one of the James brothers rode into Kansas Gty, went to the 
newspaper office and, calling the reporter out, presented him a 
handsome watch and chain. They said the article in question 
touched them in a tender spot, and they desired to show their 
gratitude. 

^'But I don't feel at liberty to take this watch," said the 
reporter. 

'^But do it to gratify us. We didn't steal this watch ; we 
bought it and paid for it with our own money," continued the 
desperadoes. 

"No ; you must excuse me," continued the reporter. 

" Well, then, if you can't take this watch," replied the Jamea 
brothers, regretfully, " what can we do for you ? Perhaps yon 
can name some man around here you want killed I " 



National Traiea 

A gentleman wishing to discover the predominating trait in 
the character of an Irishman, ah Englishman, a Frenchman, a 
Scotchman and a Yankee, thought he would ask the repre- 



WIT. « 111 

€enta&ve from each nation the same question and note their 

answers. 

First he met an Englishman and asked him the question: 
'^ What will yoQ take to stand all night in the tower of that 

church ? " 

^^ I should not wish to do it short of a guinea.^' 

The Scotchman came along, and to the same inquiry 

answered: 

'*And what would you be willing to give ? " 

A Frenchman Vas met, and, bowing very politely, said: 

*' I would be most happy to oblige you, but 1 beg to be ex 

cused at present as I am engaged." 

Jonathan promptiy replied to the question: 

*' What will you take to do'it? '' 

"TU take a dollar." 

And last of all came Patrick, and when the inquiry was put 

to him, he replied: 

^^An' sure, I diink I would take cowld.'' 

The Oalifomia Sunday S6hoc>l Teaobar. 

There are good men out in California, very good men, and 
Arewd men, too. 

The other day a real good young man, who used to teach a 
Bible-class out in San Francisco, boarded the Union Pacific 
train at Ogden. He was going home to Boston as a delegate 
from California to the Massachusetts Sunday School Associa- 
tion. He was neatly and sweetly dressed, and spent most of 
his time reading the Christian at Work. After a wliile he 
got introduced to a Colonel, a Professor and a Doctor, who 
said they also lived in Boston, and they invited him to take a 
quiet game of Euchre. 

During an animated religious conversation, three aces were 
thrown on his side of the table, after which one of the Boston- 
ians gayly remarked, with the greatest coolne88» ^^ I wish that 



112 WT lOSCD HUMOR. 

we were playing poker. I don^t know that I have been 
favored with such a hand for years/* Oar religions young 
man from San f^rancisco immediately saw the game of the 
sharpers, looked np innocently, and remarked : 

^^I^have been favored, also. I have a .pretty good poker 
hand myself.'* 

The three looked at each other significantly. 

^^They call you Professor ?** asked the young man from San 
Francisco. 

"Yes." 

'' And they call you Colonel P'* 

"Yes." 

'' You are from the East, I belieTe P*' 

" Yes, from Boston.'* 

" Well, gentlemen,** he continued, rising, ^^ yon had better 
take the next train back. We meet it just the other side of 
khe Grand Canon. You can*t make a cent at this. They hare 
been teaching it in the Sunday Schools in California for years.** 

Artemus "Ward's Fort 

Erery man has his Fort. It*s some men*s fort to do one 
thing, and sum other men*s fort to do another, while there is 
numeriss shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to 
do nothin. 

Shakspeer wrote good plase, but he wouldn*t hav succeeded as 
a Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper. He 
lakt the rekisit fancy and imagginashun. 

That's so ! 

Old George Washing^n*s Fort was to not hev eny public 
man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent. 
Whare bowts can George's ekal be fownd ? I ask, & boldly 
anser no whares, or eny whare else. 

My Fort is the grate moral show biznira & ritin choice 



wit. 118 

lamerly liieratoor Cor the nooepapenu That's what^s the mat- 
ter with me. 

ftc., ftc., ftc So I might go on to ,a indefinite extent. 

Twict IVe endevered to do things which thay wasn't my 
ForL The fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashns 
cnsa who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I, ^^ mj 
jentle Sir go oat or I shall fall unto you putty heTv/^ Sez he, 
^^ Wade in. Old wax figgers/* whareupon I went for him, but 
he cawt me powerful on the head & knockt me threw the tent 
into a cow pastur. He pursood the attack & flung me into a 
mud puddle. As I aroze & rung out my drehcht garmints I 
koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. He now rize the ku^in upon 
Seen 2nd ; It is rarely seldum that I seek consolation in the 
Floin Bole. But in a sertin town iuslnjianny my orgin grinder 
got sick with the fever & died. I nerer felt so ashamed in my 
life, & thowt rd hist in a few swallers of sunthin strengthin. 
Eonsequents was I histed in so much I dident zackly know 
whare bowts I was. I tumd my liyin wild beests of Pray loose 
into the street and spilt all my wax wurks. I then, bet I could 
play hoss. So I hitched myself to a Eanawl bote, there bein 
two other horses hitched on also, one behind and anuther 
ahead of me. The driver hollered for us to git up, and we 
did. But the bosses beihg onused to sich a arrangement be- 
gjm to kick & squeal and rair up. Eonsequents was I was 
kickt vilently in the stummick & back, and presuntly I fownd 
myself in the Eanawl with the other bosses, kickin & yellin 
lik a tribe of Cusscaroorus savijie. I was rescood, & as I was 
bein carrid to the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble 
▼oise, ^^ Boys, playin hoes isn*t my Fort.'* 

MoBUL. — Never don^t do nothin which isn't your Fort, for ef 
yon do, you'll find yonnelf splashin round in the ELanawl, flg« 
geratively speakin. 



[ 



114 WIT AND HUMOR 



Mbdom Tablotti 



Ar elephant had been endeavoring to rive the bole of a 
knotted oak with his trunk, but the tree closed upon that mem- 
ber, detaining it and causing the hapless elephant intense 
pain. He shook the forest with his trumpeting, and all the 
beasts gathered around him. ^^Ah, ha, mj friend," said a 
pert chimpanzee, ''you have got your trunk checked, I see." 
*' My children," said a temperate camel to her young, 'Met 
thJjs awful example teach you to shun the bole.'' "Does it 
hurt yon much i " said a compassionate gnn. "Ah, it does ; 
it does ; it must ; I have been a mother myself." And while 
diey were sympathizing with him, the unfortunate elephant 
expu^ in great agony. 

Moral. — ^The moral of the above is 00 plain as to need no 
explanation. Talk is cheap. 

The Six/re amd the Tortaiae. 

The hare once challenged the tortoise to a trial of speed. 
The hare frisked about merrily, paying little attention to his 
rival or jeering him for his slowness. The tortoise, however, 
plodded along steadily and had well nigh reached the end, 
when the hare observed his progress. Away darted the hare 
tike lightning and won the race. 

Moral. — The race is not always to the slow. 

The Mercha/nt of Vendee. 

A Venetian merchant, who was lolling in the lap of luxnry, 
was accosted upon the Rialto by a friend who had hot seen 
him for many months. "How is this," cried the latter, 
**when I last saw you, your gaberdine was out at elbows, 
end now yon sail in your own gondola ? •' " True," replied the 
merchant, "but since then I have met with serious losses and 
been obliged to compound with my creditors tor ten cents on 
the dollar." 

MaraL — OompoeitiOQ la the life of trada 



wrt. 115 

FaUtiU of the Vvper and the JF^ 

A viper entered a blacksmith's shop one day, and feeling 
rather empty, began lO forage for lunch. At length, seeing a 
file, he went np to it and commenced biting at it ^' Chaw 
away, old bird," said the file, "you won't make much out of 
me ; I'm a slugger myself, I am." The viper, refusing to take 
warning, however, kept on his repast until he had completely 
swallowed the file. He had no sooner done so than he curled 
up his legs and died ; and no wonder — he had eaten a file o^ 
the Congressiofud Becord. 

An Bztraordinary Wotnan. 

Angry wife (time 3 A.X.)— Is that you, CharleB t 

Jolly husband — Zash me ! 

Angry wife — Here have I been standing at the head of the 
stairs these two hours. Oh t Charles, how com, you ? 

Jolly husband (bracing up) — Shtandin' on your head on if 
ehtairs ! Jenny, I'm shprized t How ea/n I? By Jove^ 1 
oa/nH I Two hours, too I 'Stronujiy woman 1 

The Uon and fhe GirafDI). 

A lion who had long reigned with supreme power over the 
forest, one day called a convention of all the beasts and an- 
nounced his intention of abdicating. 

^^ I am growing old and feeble, and I must soon pass away,'^ 
he argued. *^A11 things considered, it is better that my suc- 
cessor be nominated and installed while I am living to give 
him the benefits of my experience and advice." 

There was general joy among' the beasts, for the lion had 
lorded it after his own fashion. The elephant was squinting 
around, the rhinoceros was pushing his nose into the crowd* 



116 WIT ASD HUMOB. 

f 

and the giraffe was doing a heap of thinking way down his 
throat when the lion continued : 

^^ After serions reflection and solemn consideration I have 
decided that my own son shall succeed me. The office wil? 
not only be kept in the family, but the family will be kept in 
office. There being no further business before the meeting 
we will adjourn.'^ 

^'But why the need of this convention?'' protested the rhi- 
noceros. 

"Well, there wasn't any p&iicular need of it," replied the 
lion, "but it is customary to call one in order to collect the 
expenses of nomination. Brother giraffe, pass the hat I " 

Jfaral — " Attend the primaries I " 

Sllfffatty Ckmfttfled. 

Ool. Smith was the guest of Congressman Belford in Wash- 
ington, and was returning to his hotel late one night when he 
lost his way. While browsing about in an aimless, inane sort 
of a manner, he encountered a policeman. 

" ' Sense me, my frien'," said Col. Smith, ** but can you tell 
me which izee opposite side o' ze street? " 

"Why," explained the policeman, "it's over there — tii€ 
otiier side." 

"Zat's what I thought," said Col. Smith, " but while I was 
walking over there a. few minute^ 'go, I asked a man an' he 
told me zis wazzee opp'sita side t " 

BU PerldnB and the Qoakar. 

I lectured in a good old Quaker town up in Pennsylvania a 
few weeks ago, and after the lecture, the lecture committee 
came to me with my fee in his hand, and said, as he counted 
iherollof bOk: 



vir^ ll7 

<«EIi, my ftiend, does thee believe in the nuudlns of Benja- 
min Franklin t " 

"Tea,"lBaid, / 

<' Well, friend Eli, Benjamin Franklin, in his Poor Biehard 
maxims, says that ^Time is money.' " 

"Tea, verily, I have read it,'' I said. 

"Well, Eli, if *time is money,' as thy friend. Poor Pichard, 
says, and thee believe so, then verily I will keep ihe money 
and let thee take it out in time.'* 

Bli Perklna* H^ppr Tbaasfitt^ 

I saw a man polling his arms off tiyjng to get on a new pam 
of boots, so I said : 

Happy Thatigkt — They are too small, and yon will never 
be able to get them on nntil yon have worn them a spell. 

I heard an officer in the Seventh Begiment scolding a pri- 
vate for coming too late to drill, so I said : 

Happy Thought — Somebody's must always dome last ; this 
fellow onght to be praised, for, if he had come earlier, he 
would have shirked this scalding off npon somebody else t 

I saw an old maid at the Fifth Avenue with her face cov- 
ered with wrinkles, taming sadly away from the mirror, as she 
said: 

Happy Thought — ^Mirrors, nowadays, are very faulty. They 
don't make such nice mirrors as they used to when I was 
young. 

I heard a young lady from Brooklyn praising the sun, so I 
said; 

Happy ITumght — The sun may be very good, but the moon 
is a good deal better, for she gives us light in the night, when 
we need it, while the sun only shines in the daytime, when it 
ii light enough without it. 

I saw two men shoot an ea^e, and as it dropped on the 
gioand, I sttd: 



118 WZr AHD HUMOBi 

Happy TJumgkt — Yon might have saved your powder, far 

the fall alone would have killed him. 

Two Mississippi Eiver darkies saw, for the first time, a train 
of cars. They were in a qnandary to know what kind of a 
monster it was, so one said : 

Happy Thought — It is a dried-np steamboat getting back 
into the river. 

A poor, sick man, with a mustard plaster on him, said : 

Happy Thought — If I should eat a loaf of bread, Pd be a 
live sandwich I 

As a man was burying his wife, he said to his friend in the 
graveyard : Alas ! you feel happier than I. Yes, neighbor, 
said the friend : 

Happy Thought — I ought to feel happier ; I have two Mrives 
buried there 1 

A man out West turned staters evidence and swore he was a 
member of a gang of thieves. By and by they found the roll 
of actual members, and accused the man of swearing falsely. 
" I was a member," said the man, " I— 

Happy Thought — " I was an honorary member ^^ 

Orlawold on the Buzs-Saw. 

Unde George had a controversy with a buzz-saw the other 
morning. It seems that my uncle got the worst of the argu- 
ment He was resting. 

^' Unde George," said I, '^ I hear you were buzz-sawed this 
morning)'' 

^' I was t I was buzz-sawed, sure I " said Uncle George^ hold- 
mg up a btmch of white rags at the end of hi8 arm. 

^^ Did it hurt you much ?" I continued, sitting down on the 
bed. 

"Two fingers and a thumb." 

" You have got them tied up ? " 

"No ; I have got the place where they were tied Q|k^ 



WIT. li« 

" Then they are off ?" 

** Tee, a good ways oflf 

" How did it happen t ^ 

^^1 pushed my hand against the saw while ronning a 
aarrow strip through." 

" Did you keep it there veiy longf ** 

"No." 

"Did yon take it right awqrf 

"Tee.'' 

"Did yon take it all away f 

" All but two fingers and a thumb.* 

"What did you do with them?'' 

"2 left them on the other side of the saw." 

" Did you say anything at the time? " 

"1 did ; but it won't do to publish." 

" Do you think the buzs-saw was to blame t ^ 

"Chiefly." 

"How did it feel?" 

"A good deal like shaking hands with a streak of Bght* 
ning." 

"Did the buzzHsaw say anything? " 

"It said 'Zip I ' and then buzzed on." 

" Do you think you would put your hand there if you had it 
to do over?" 

"Hardly." 

" Don't jou think it would be a good thing if a buzz-saw 
could be invented that would saw without moving? " 

" Undoubtedly." 

" Do ypu know anything more about a buzzHsaw than any 
body else does?" 

"Yes." 

"What?" 

'' Don^t you ever get within a mile of a buzz-saw when it ia 
in motion." 

•' Why ?" 



ISO mt AMD Bvmm, 

^^ Your cnrioeity might get the better of your judgment, and 
yon would be tempted to experiment nntil your fingers wero 
all left where mine are. Gkxxi afternoon." 



*^ My ftiend," said Douglas Jerrold, ^^have yon sufflcient 
confidence in me to lend me a guinea { " 

"Oh, yes^ I have the confidence," said his friend, "but I 
haven't got the guinea." 






Sheridan — scholar, wit and spendthrift — being dunned bj 
a tailor to pay at least the interest oh his bill, answered that it 
was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to 
pay the interest The tailor thoughtftilly retired. * 



# « 



An old rail-splitter in jindiana put the quietus upon a fellow 
who chated him upon his bald head, in these words : " Young 
man, when my head gets as soft as yours, I can raise hair to 
selL" 



• « 
« 



^* Sit down ! " said a nervous old gentleman to his son, whe 
was making too much noise. 
" I won't do it," was the impudent answer. 
^* Well, then, stand up. I will be obeyed !" 



« « 

« 



** How much do you charge for weighing hogs t " asked a 
gentleman of one of our " weighmasters." 

" Oh, just get on ; TU weigh you for nothing," was the 
bland reply. 



« « 
« 



An old fieumer said to his sons: ^^Boys, donH yon ever 
spekerlate or wait for somethin' to turn up. Yon niight jest 
as well go and sit down on a stone in the middle of a medder 



wit. Id) 

with a pail 'twixt jonr legs and wait for a oow to back up to 

yon to be milked.'' 

« « 

^^Now, Oohn, suppose there's a load of hay on one side of 
the river and a jackass on the other side, and no bridge, and 
the river is too wide to swim, how can the jackass get to the 
hay?" 

"I give it up." 

^^ Well, that's just what the other jackass did." 



Mark Antony'B Oration Over Ossear. 

M. W, Orlamdi 
[The Text ftom which Shakespeere wrote his Venlon.] 

Friends^ Romans, conntrymenl Lend me your ears; 

I will return them next Saturday. I come 

To bury Gsesar, because the times aro hard 

And his folks can't afford to Hire an undertaker. 

The evil that men do lives after them, 

In the shape of progeny that reap the 

Benefit of their life insurance. 

Bo let it be with the deceased* 

Brutus had told you Gsesar was ambitious : 

What does Brutus know about it? 

It is none of his fhneral. Would that it were I 

Here, under leave of you, I come to 

Make a speech at Ceesar's funeral. 

He was my friend, &ithful and just to me ; 

He loaned me five dollars once when I was in a pincb 

And signed my petition for a postoffioe. 

But Brutus says he was ambitious. 

Brutus should wipe off his chin. 

Ceesar hath brought many captives to Rome 

Who broke rock on the streets until their ransoms 

Did the general coffers fill. 

When that the poor hath cried, Oaesar wept, 

Because it didn't cost anjrthing, and 

Made him solid with the masses. [Cheers.] 

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff, 

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious. 

Brutus is a liar and I can prove it* 

Yoa all did see that on the Lapeical 



m WIT AND HUMOB. 

I thrioe presented him a kingly crown 
Which thrice he did refbse, because it did not fit him qcdt^ 
Was this ambitious 7 Yet Brutus says he was ambitious. 
Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country 
But he is a horse-thief of the deepest dye. [Applause.] 
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. [Laughter.] 
You all do know this ulster. 
I remember the first time ever Ceesar put it on, 
It was on a summer's evening in his tent. 
With the thermometer registering ninety degrees in the shaae. 
But it was an ulster to be proud of. 
And cost him seven dollars at Marcus Swartzmeyer's. 
Comer of Fulton and Ferry streets, sign of the red fiag. 
Old Swartz wanted forty dollars for it. 
But finally came down to seven dollars because it was Cseaar! 
Was this ambition ? If Brutus says it was 
He is even a greater liar than Mrs. Tiltonl 
Look ! in this place ran Cassius's dagger through - 
Through this the son of a gun of Brutus stabbed^ 
" And when he plucked his cursed steel away, 
Mark Anthony how the blood of Ceesar followed it ! 

[Cheers and cries of *^ Give us something on the 80ve 

bill I " " Hit him again 1 " Ac.] 
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts^ 
I am no thief as Brutus is, 
Brutus has a monopoly in all that business, 
And if he had his deserts, he would be 
In the penitentiary, and don't you forget it! '^ 

Kind friends, sweet friends, I do not wish to stir you ng 
To such a sudden flood of mutiny. 
And as it looks like rain, 

The pall bearers will proceed to place the coffin in the hearse^ 
And we will proceed to bury Ceesar, 
Not to praise him. 

He Proved it 

Hajor Ben Bussell^ being met one day by his old friend 
Busby, he was familiarly saluted with a hearty shake of the 
band, and " How do you do, old Ben Russell ? " 

'' Come, now," said Major Ben, *' I'll not take that from you 
—not a bit of it ; you are as old as I am this minute. " 

"Dpon my word," said Mr. Busby, "you are my senior by 
at least ten years." 



1S8 

<^ Not at all, fiiend Bneby, and, if you please, we will deter- 
mine that question very soon — just tell me what is the first 
thing jOM can recollect? " 

"Well, the very jvr%t thing I recollect," said Mr. Busby, 
"was hearing people say : ' There goes old Ben Bnssell t ' " 

" Annie, is it proper to say this 'ere, that 'are t " 
" Why, Kate, of course not'' 

" Well, I don't know whether it is proper or not, but I fee) 
cold in this ear from that air." 



Levity is the sonl of wit 

« 

A "boor" is a man who talks so much about himself that 

yon don't get a chance to talk about yourself. 

« « 
« 

Never blow a man's brains out to get his money, yonng 
man, but just shy around and blow his money out and get 
his brains. 

« 

What will eventually become of the thoroughly wicked and 
depraved ? is a question often asked. They will probably ail 
practice law a little while, and eventually all go to the Legis- 
lature. 

• « 

Aristocratic relations have nothing to do with a man's real 
character. Cain belonged to one of the first families in the 
Holy Land, but when he got mad he was such a bad man that 
he killed half the yonng men in Asia. 

« « 
« 

If you get the best of whiskey, whiskey will get the best of 

you. 



134 Wn AliB HDMOB. 

Muzlin' makes a dog safe, whfle it makes a young lady dan 

gerons — still, in hot weather they both want mnslfii. 

« « 

« 

They say ^Hove is blind, ^' bat 1 know a lover in Jersey CSty 
who can see a good deal more beauty in his sweetheart than 
I can. 

Ladies, skip this paragraph ! It is really unfit for publication. 
It got into my letters by mistake, and I ask the printer tc 
destroy it or set it up wrong side up : 

-p«8q joq no ipwg\a (3% pvq 9qs Ji 

— p«ai iCp«oj[« s^aqs msod siqx 
9ii|q)Ji9 V o; s^uao U9% Jd8« a UfiM, 'mo^ • 
, 'Aoqs « JO pap[ ^sn9\ oq) 8;d3 oqs jj 

MOqiCm %ikO %i pug IL^qs ;9q noX %uq^ 
iMovni o; :|oa ^qSno 9q8 Sniq^aoiOB s^t^i 
uvmoitt. « soLUOiii SaiqqMCnv B^eiaq^ jj 
« « 

A shoemaker was arrested for bigamy and brought before 
the magistrate. 

^' Which wife," askea a bystander, ^^ wiH he be obliged to 
take?'' 

Smith, always ready at a joke, replied, ^' He is a cobbler, 
and of course must stick to his last'' 



ArtemoB W^ard on Paying Debt& 

A gentlemanly friend oi mine, writes Artemos Ward, came 
one day with tears in his eyes. 

I said " Why those weeps ? " 

He said he had a mortgage on liis farm and wanted to bor 
row two hundred dollars. 

I lent him the money, and he went away 

Some time after, he returned with more tears. He said 
he must leave me forever. I ventured to remind him oi 



1S5 

(he two hundred dollars be borrowed. He was mncb cat tip 
I thought I would not be hard npon him, so told him I would 
throt^ off one hundred dollars. He brightened up, shook my 
hand, and said : 

^'Old friend, I won't allow jron to outdo me in liberality; 
m throw off the other hundred.'' 

And thus he discharged the debt 



Animate and Inanimate Katoxe. 

^^Oon a thing which has no life move f " asked Joseph Cook 
of Eli Perkins. 

" Of course they can," replied EIL " Why last year I saw 
a watch spring, a rope walk, a horse fly, a match box, a pea- 
nut stand, a mill dam, an oyster fry, and a cat fish ; and this 
year," continued Eli, *^I expect to see a peach blow, a gin 
filing, a brandy smash, and — " 

" Anything more, Iffr. Perkins ? " 

*^ Why, yes, I expect to see a stone fence, a cane brake, and 
a bank run." 

*^Did you ever see a shoe shop, a gum boil, or hear a 
codfish bawl? " asked Mr. Cook. 

^^No, but Fve seen a plank walk, a horse whip, and a tree 
toad, and I would not be surprised some day to see the great 
Atlantic coast, the Pacific slope, a tree box, 'and — ^" 

Ab Mr. Cook left, Eli told him that he had often seen a very 
mysterious thing — that he had seen a uniform smile. 

"Why, IVe often seen a sword fish," said Mr. Cook. " Pve 
seen h(^ skin boots too, and once I saw some alligator's hide 
shoes. Yes," he continued, ^' Mr. Perkins, I have even heard 
the bark of a tree — ^actually seen the tree bark, seen it holler 
and commence to leave. The tree held on to its trunk, which 
they were tiying to seize for bosra." 



196 WIT AHD HUMOB; 

A farmer aeked Griswold, the ^^FatOcmtribator,'' to give 
his opinion about late plowing : 

"Plowing," replied Griswoid, "should not be oondnoed 
later than ten or eleven o'clock at night. It gets the horses 
into the habit of staying out late, and unduly exposes the plow. " 

Another subscriber asked "Gris,'' "how long cows should 
be milked." Gris replied : 
"The same as short cows." 

Pnidery Rebukad 

GenL Sherman was once traveling in the vicinity of Lake 
Qeorge in company witli several ladies, when one of them, 
more remarkable for prudery than good taste, took occasion to 
call forth the polished satire of the wit, after this fashion : 
"Dear me, General, that's very shockiDgt'' 
"What, madam ?'* 

"Why, there t down on the lake; those boys — ^bathing.'' 
Gen. Sherman looked — and saw some half dozen little 
urchins gamboling in nudity and unconcealed delight, along 
the sparkling sands; and thus rebuked his less modest com- 
panion: 

"fioyst Those are girls, madam, are they not?'' 
"Why, General, no 1 1 assure you they are boys ! ^ 
"Are — ^they? Ahl Well, ex — cuse me, madam, at thiir 
distance I don't know the ditference! " 

l£ra. PsfftinsftoiiL 

^^Are yon the judge of reprobates?" said Mrs. Partingtoiu 
as she walked into an office of a judge of probate. 

" I am a judge of probate," was the reply. 

"Well, that's as I expect," quoth the old lady. " You see 
oiy father died detested and left several little infidels, and I 
want to be their executioner.'^ 



wn 197 

ft 

Wnidn^s Sennon.' 

Fall many a man, who now doth beat the printer 

Will waste his voice upon the heated air, 
And vainly sigh for cooling breeze of winter, 

When he is punished for his sins down there 



^ f J r 



Biad to Take an Intereet 

Two *^ commercial tourists^ of the pine-board persuasion 
met in the Union depot the other day. " Helloo, Charley/' 
says No. 1, '^haven't seen yon in an age. What are you doing 
now? " 

^Oh, I am in the same old line,'' responds No. 9. 

*'With the same house?" 

*^Te3, same old concern, but sitnated a little differently.'^ 

"How is that?" 

** Well, I've got an interest ** 

•'Is that so. How long since? ^ 

•' Since the first of tho month." 

'*Let me congratulate yon." 

''Yes, the old man told me I'd got to take an interest in the 
business tiiis year, or quit So I took the iniermt.^^ 

Annttfwit Qreek and Roman Wit. 

The Orceins and Bomans nad their wits and humorists ac 
well as we of modem time. Antisthenes, bom at Atliens m 
the nineteenth Olympiad, afterwards a pupil of Socrates, was 
the Kandolph of Greece. He was a cynic, and the Greeks say 
he snarled like a dog. 

One day Diogenes went to Antisthenes and asked him if be 
would like a tme friend? 

'' Tea," said Antisthenes^ *' if that friend can free me Aom 
pain'' 



WIT AStD W SMKM, 



**Th]8 friend will free yon from pain,^ said Diogenes, hand 
ing him a dagger. 

^^ Yes, and from life, too. I did not say that,'' replied An- 
tisthenes. ' 

Plato asked this cynic a connndnun : ^* What is the difier 
ence between a crow and a flatterer t " 

^^One,'' said Antisthenes, *^ devours the dead, while tho 
other devours the living." 

When some wicked men praised the cynic, he said : ^^ If the 
wicked praise me, it must be for doing something widced. 
When wicked men abase me, I know I am doing right" 

When the Athenian senate promoted a good many geor 
erals, like our political generals dnring the war, Antistfaeaee 
4aid ^< Why don't you politicians vote that asses are horses t ^ 

One day an Athenian fellow was boasting of his good looks. 
^^I am beautiful," he said, 

^^ Yes, so is a brass statue beaiitifhl»" said the Ggmio^ **a&d 
empty, too^ like yourseUl" 

Bli'8 Doabtftll OonplliiMnt 

Yesterday, as the Santa F^ train neared Topeka I sat down 
by an old farmer from Lawrence. Com bins lined the road, 
and millions of bushels of com greeted us from the car win- 
dows. Sometimes the bins full of golden grain followed the 
track like a huge yellow serpent 

Looking up at the old granger, I asked him where all this 
com came fi^m. *^Do you ship it from New York, sirt " 

«' From what t " he said. 

" From New York, sir." 

** What, com from New York I " 

** Yes, sir," I said. " Did you import it from New York, oi 
did you ship it from England f " 

He looked at me from head to foot, examined my ooat^ 
looked at my ears and then exclaimed, 



"Great God I" 

I never heard those two words sound so like ** darned fool ** 

J 

before. 

A moment afterwards the old farmer turned his eyes pity- 
inglj upon me and asked me where I lived. 

" I live in New York, sir.'* 

«'Whar»" 

*^ In New York, sir. I came west to lectore.'^ 

" What, yw lecture I '^ 

"Yes, sip." 

**rouI'' 

•ado." 

"Yon lecture I yon do t Well, Fd give ten dollars to hear 
f on lectnre 1 ^' 

I never knew whether this was a great compliment, or — 

well, or what it was. 

« « 
• 

" How much is the toll I " asked two old women of an Indiana 
toll-gate keeper. 

*^ Twenty cents for a man and a horse," answered the gate 
keeper. 

^^ Well, then, get out of the way ; we're two old women aiid 
a mare. Get up, Jenny I " 

As the two old women weiit flying down the road the old 
man simply exclaimed : 

"ByOnml" 

Secretary Ohaae az2d the Noble Toanff Man ftom Obia 

There was a noble yoath from Ohio who, on being urged to 
take wine at the table of Chief Justice Chase in Washington, 
had the moral courage to refuse. He was a poor young man, 
just beginning the struggle of life. 

^^Not take a glass of wine?" said Ifr. Chase, in wonder 
ment and surprise. 



180 WIT AND HimOB. 

^^Kot one simple glass of wine? ''echoed the statesman's 
beautitui and fascinating daughter, as she arose, glass in hand, 
and, with a grace that would have charmed an anchorite, en> 
deavored to press it upon him. 

"No," said the heroic youth, resolutely, gently repelling the 
proffered glass. 

What a pid:iire of moral grandeur. A poor, fiiendless 
youth refusing wine at the table of a famous statesman, even 
though proffered by a beautiful lady. 

''No," said the noble young man, and his voice trembled a" 
iittle and his cheek flushed. "I never drink wine, but — 
(here he straiglitened himself up and his words grew firmer) — 
if you've got a little good old rye whisky I don't mind trying 

a snifter I " 

• « 

« 

"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skint" inqnired a 
teacher of an infant class. 
"I have," exclaimed one. 
" Where ? " asked the teacher. 
"On the elephant" 

Flora pointed pensively to the masses of clouds in the Bky^ 
saying : » 

" I wonder where those douds are going} " and her brother 
remarked : 

"I think they are going to thunder." 

#  

Why will yoimg ladies lace so tight J 

My Uncle Consider says our New York young ladies lace 
tight so as to show economical young fellows how frugal they 
are — how little waste they can get along with. They don't 
lace so as to show their beaux how much squeezing they can 
stand, and not hurt 'em, oh, no I 




, "Am JOS tha dnok that rwu tba goapel mill cast door T" 

(Im pise IS).' 



131 ^IT. 

Mr. Jack Astor left Saratoga yesterday just because he wrote 
his name with a diamond on one of the French glass windows 
of the Hotel and the landlord came along and wrote under it : 

** Whene'er I see a fellow's name 
Written on the glass, 
I know he owns a diamond. 
And his fiither owns an 



Tlglxt Money Market 

*^ How is money this morning, Uncle Daniel } '' asked Unde 
Oonsider, as he shook hands with that good old Methodiat 
operator on the street this morning. 

^^ Money's close and Erie's down, brother ; down — down — 
down 1 " 

^^ Is money very dose, TJnde 'Daniel t " 
. ** Orful, Brother— orful I " 

'^ Wall, Brother Drew, ef money continues very dose to- 
day,'' said Unde Consider, drawing himself up dose to Uncle 
Daniel; ^^ef she gets very dose— <dose enough so you can 
reach out and scoop in a few dollars for me, I wish you would 
doit" 

Unde Daniel said he would. 



Mark Twain's Nevada Funeral — Scotty Brigss and tbe 

Cnersrymaa. 

Sootty Briggs choked and even shed tears; but with an 
effort he mastered his voice and said in lugubrious tones to 
the deigyman : 

** Are you the duck that runs the gospel-mill next door ? " 
"Am I the — pardon me, I believe I do not understand ? ' 
With another sigh, and half-sob, Scotty rejoined : 
" Why you see we are in a bit of trouble, and the boys 
thought maybe you would give us a lift, if we'd tackle you — 



WIT ANB HUMOB. 132 

lihat is, if Fve got the rights of it and yoa are the head clerk 
of the doxolpgy-works next door.'^ 

'^ I am the shepherd in chaige of the flock whose fold is 
next door.'' 

"The which?" 

"The spiritoal adviser of the little oompenj of belierers 
whose sanctuary adjoins these premises." 

Scotty scratched his head, reflected a moment, and thcQ 
said: 

"Yon mther hold over me, pard. I reckon I cant call 
that hand. Ante and pass the bncL" 

"Howt I beg pardon. What did I understand you to 
say?" 

" Well, you've rather got the bulge on me. Or maybe 
we've both got the bulge somehow. You don't smoke me 
and I don't smoke you. You see, one of the boys has passed 
in his eliecks and we want to give him a good send-off, and so 
the thing I^m on now is to roust out somebody to jerk a little 
chin music for us and waltz him through handsome." 

"My friend, I seem to grow more and more bewildered. 
Your observations are wholly incomprehensible to me. Oan- 
not you simplify them in some way ? At first I thought per- 
haps I understood you, but 1 grope now. Would it not expe- 
dite matters if you restricted yourself to categorical statements 
of fact unencumbered with obstracting accumulations of 
metaphor and allegory ? " 

Another pause, and more reflection. Then, said Scotty : 

" I'll have to pass, I judge." 

"How?" 

" You have raised me out, pard." 

" I still fail to catch your meaning." 

" Why, that last lead of youm is too many for me — that's 
the idea. I can't neither trump nor follow suit" 
The dfiigynian sank back in his chair perplexed Scotty 



188 -mr. 

leaned his head cm his hand and gave himself up to tihoa^t 
Presentlj his face came up, sorrowful but confident. 

" Pve got it now, so's you can savvy," he said. •* What 
we want is a gospel-sharp. See t " 

"A what?'' 

*'. Gospel-sharp. Parson," 

<^OhI Why didyounotsay sobefinet lamadeigymant — 
a parson." 

'^ Kow you talk ! You see my blind and straddle it like a 
man. Put it there I " — extending a brawny paw, which closed 
over the minister's small hand and gave it a^shake indicative 
of fraternal sympathy and fervent gratification. 

^^ Kow we're all right, pard* Let's start iresh. Don^ you 
mind my snu29ing a little— -becos we're in a power of trouble. 
Ton see one of the boys has gone up tihe flume — ^ 

"Gone where?" 

'<Up the flume — thiowed np llie Bpaogdf yon mider- 
stand." 

" Throwed up the sponge t" 

** Tefr— kicked the bucket—" 

* < Ah t — ^has departed to that mysteries country ftom whoM 
bourne no traveler returns." 

"Eetumt I reckon not Why paid, he's dl«u{ / " 

"Yes, I understand." 

'^ Oh, you do ? Wall I thought maybe you mig^ be get- 
ting tangled some more. Yes, you see he's dead again — " 

** Again f Why, has he ever been dead before I " 

" Dead before ? Ko t Do you reckon a man has got as 
many lives as a cat ? But you bet you he's awful dead now, 
poor old boy, and I wish I'd never seen this day. I don't want 
no better friend than Buck Fanshaw. I knowed him by tlie 
back ; and when I know a man and like him, I freeze to him — 
you hear me. Take him all round, pard, there never was a bullier 
man in the minee. Ko man ever knowed Buck Faoshaw to go 



Wir ABO BCMOSL I34 

back on a fliend. fiat it's all iip^ joa know^ it's aH iqi. It 
ain't no use. They've soooped him." 

" Soooped him J " 

" Yes— death has. Well, well, well, we've got to give him 
np. Yes, indeed. It's kind of a hard world, after all, adn't it ? 
But pard, he was a rustler I Yon ought to see him get started 
once. He was a b^^Uy boy with a glass eye I Just spit m his 
face and give him room according to his strength, and it was just 
beautiful to see him peel and go in. He was the worst son of 
a thief that ever diawed breath. Pard, he was an it I He 
was on it bigger than an Iqfim 1 " 

*^Onit» On what?" 

*^ On the shoot. On the shoulder. On the fight, you under- 
stand. Se didn't give a continental tor anybody. Beg your 
pardon, friend, for coming so near saying a cuss-word — ^but 
you see Tm on an ^wflil strain, in this palaver, on acooui?"^ of 
having to camp [down and draw everything so mild. But 
we've got to give him up. There ainH any getting around 
that I don't reckon. Now if we can get you to help plant 
him—" 

^^ Preach the iuneral discourse t Assist at the obsequies t" 

^* Obs'quies is good. Yes. That's it — ^that's our little game. 
We are goi^ to get the thing up regardless, you know. He 
was always nifty himself, and so you bet you his ftmeral ain't 
going to be no slouch — solid silver door-plate on -his coffin, six 
plumes on the hearse, and a nigger on the box in a biled shirt 
and a plug hat — Show's that for high % And we'll take care of 
y€u^ pard. We'll fix you all right There'll be a kerridge for 
you ; and whatever you want, you just 'scape out and well 
tend to it. We've got a shebang fixed up for you to stand 
behind, in No. I's house, and don't you be afraid. Just go in 
and toot your horn, if you don't sell a clam. Put Buck 
through as bully as yon can, pard, for anybody that knowed 
him will tell you that he was one of the whitest men that was 
•ver in the mines. You can't draw it too strong. He nevof 



136 wn 

could stand it to see things going wrong. He's done more to 
mal :e this town quiet and peaceable than any man in it IVe 
seen him lick four Greasers in eleven minutes, myself. If a 
thing wanted regulating, he wam't a man to go browsing 
around after somebody to do it, but he would prance in and 
regulate it himself He wam't a Catholic Scasely. He wa^ 
down on 'em. His word was, * No Irish need apply I ' But 
it didn't make no difference about that when it came down to 
what a man's rights was — ^and so, when some roughs jumped 
the Catholic bone-yard and started in to stake out town lots in 
it he went for 'em ! And he clea/ned 'em, too I 1 was there, 
pard, and I seen it myself" 

"That was very weU, indeed — at least the impulse was — 
whether the act was strictly defensible or not Had deceased 
any religious convictions ? That is to say, did he feel a depend- 
ence upon, or acknowledge allegiance to a higher power \ " 

More reflection. 

" I reckon you've stumped me again, pard. Oould }^ou say 
it over once more, and say it slow? " 

^^ Well, to simplify it somewhat, was he, or rather had he 
ever been connected with any oi^nization sequestered from 
secular concerns and devoted to self-sacrifice in the interests of 
morality ? " 

" All down but nine — set 'em up on the other alley, pard." 

" What did I understand you to say ? " 

" Why, you're most too many for me, you know. When 
you get in widi your left I hunt grass every time. Every time 
you draw you fill ; but I don't seem to have any luck. Let'a 
have a new deal." 

"How? Begin again ? " 

"That's it" 

" Very well. Was he a good man, and — " 

"Tliere— I see that; don't put up another chip tilll look 
at my hand. A good man, says you ? Pard, it ain't no name 
for it He was the best man that ever — pard, you would have 



WIT jlsd humob 136 

doted on that man. He was always for peace, and he would h(ive 
peace — he could not stand disturbances. Pard, he was a great 
loss to this town. It would please the boys if you could chip 
in something like that and do him justice. Here once when 
the Micks got to throwing stones through the Methodis' Sun- 
day school windows, Buck Fanshaw, all of his own notion, 
shut up his saloon and took .a couple of six-shooters and 
mounted guard over the Sunday school. Says he, "No Irish 
need apply ! '' And they didn't. He was the builiest man in 
the mountains, pard I He could run faster, jump higher, hit 
harder, and hold more tangle-foot whisky without spilling it 
than any man in seventeen counties. Put that in, pard — itll 
please the boys more than anything you could say. And you 
can say., pard, that he never shook his mother/' 

" Never shook his mother ? " 

" That's it — any of the boys will tell you ea" 

** Well, but why shotdd he shake her ? " 

"That's what / say — but some people does." 

'^ Not people of any repute." 

** Well, some that averages pretty so-so." 

" In my opinion the man that would offer personal violence 
fco his own mother ought to — " 

** Cheese it, pard ; you've banked your ball clean outside the 
string. What 1 was a drivin' at Whs that he never thraioed of 
on his mother — don't you see J No, indeedy ! He gave her 
a house to live in, and town lots, and plenty of money ; and 
he looked after her and took care of her all the time ; and 
when she was down with the small-pox, I'm d — d if he didn't 
set up nights and nuss her himself I Beg your pardon for say- 
ing it, but it hopped out too quick for yours truly. Tou've 
treated me like a gentleman, pard, and I ain't the man to hurt 
your feelings intentional. I think you're white. T think 
you're a square man, pard. I like you, and I'll li(;k any man 
that don't. I'll lick him till he can't tell himself from a last 
year's corpse ! Pat it there/ " r Another fraternal hand-shakB 
— and exit ] 



PATHOS. 

From Laughter to Tears. 

Pathos is the truthful description of a solemn scene. We 
enjoy pathos as much as we enjoy humor. Tears and laughter 
come from the same. fount. How many times we have seen 
young ladies crying over a pathetic love-story. They would 
read and cry, read and cry. If they didn't enjoy that pathos 
they would throw the book away. The book may not have 
cost ten cents, but they were trying to get a cioUars worth of 
cry out of it 

Pathos and humor are twin sisters They are botli true to 
nature. 



A BeantlAil Deatb. 

«* Doctor, is I got to go r' 

** Aunt 'Liza, there is no ho]je for you.'' 

^^ Bress the GIreat Master for his goodness. Ise ready." 

The doctor gave a few dii^ections to the colored women that 
sat around 'Liza's bed, and started to leave, when he was 
recalled by the old woman, who was drifting out with the tide : 

'^ Marso John, stay wid me till it's ober. I wants to talk ob 
do old times. I knowed yon when a boy, long 'fore you went 
and been a doctor. I called yon Marse John den ; I call you 
de same now. Take yo' ole mammy's hand, honey, and hold 
it Ise lived a long, long time. Ole marster and ole missus 
hab gone before, and de chillun from de ole place is scattered 
ober de world. I'd like to see 'em 'fore I starts on de journey 
tonight My ole man's gone, and all de chillun I nussed at 
dis breast has gone too. Dey's waitin' for dere mudder on de 

187 



WIT AHD HUXOB. 188 

goldm shore. I bran de Lord, Marse John, for takin' me to 
meet *em dar. Ise foaght the good fight, and Ise not afraid to 
meet de Savionr. No mo' wo'k for poor old mammy, no mo' 
trials and tribulations — hold my hand tighter, Marse John — 
&dder, mudder — marster — misses — chillun — Ise gwine 
home.'* 

The sonl, while pluming its wings for its flight to the Great 
Beyond, rested on tlie dusky face of the sleeper, and the 
watchers, with bowed heads, wept silently. She was dead. 

Mra Sonthey on tbe FaapeT'e Deatb. 

Tread sofUy — bow the head — in rey^rent silence bow ;— « 
no passing bell doth toll, yet an immortal soul is passing now. 
Stranger I however great, with lowly reverence bow : there's 
one in that poor shed — one by that paltry bed — greater than 
thou. Beneath that beggar's roof lo I Death doth keep his 
state I £nter — no crowds attend ; enter — no guards defend 
this palace gate. That pavement, damp and cold, no smiling 
courtiers ti^ead ; one sUent woman stands, lifting with meagre 
hands, a dying head. No mingUng voices sound — an infant 
wail alone ; a sob suppressed — again that short deep gasp, 
and then the parting groan I Oh t change — oh, wondrous 
change ! burst are the prison bars t This moment there, so 
low, so agonized ; — ^and now, beyond the stars t Oh I change 
— stupendous change I There lies the soulless dod : — the sun 
eternal breaks — ^^ihe new immortal wakes — wakes with his 
God! 



M 



If I mul Only Spoke Rhn Fair at the Last' 



There was a great colliery explosion in England. An hun- 
dred men were killed, and their corpses lay at the mouth of 
the coal mine for recognition. Wives were wringing their 
hands and children were crying, and a wail of desolation filled 

tlieair. 
10 



180 PATHOS. 

Sitting at the mouth by a pale corpse was a young wife. 
She looked at her husband, but uttered no cry ; her eyes were 
dry. She rocked herself to and fro, her face white with 
anguish. 

^^ Oh, that I had spoken fair to him at the end f* she 
moaned; ^^Oh, that he would come to life one minute that I 
could say, ^ Jimmy, forgive me,* but nothing can help me now. 
Oh, I could bear it all if Fd only spoken fair to him at the endP* 

And then at last the story came. They had been married a 
year, she and Jim, and they both ^^had tempers,^^ but Jim, he 
was always the first to i&ake up. And this very morning they 
had had trouble. 

It began because breakfast wasn^t ready, and the fire wouldn^t 
burn ; and they had said hard words, both of them. But at 
the very last, though 1>reakf ast had not been fit to eat, Jim had 
turned round at the door and said : 

''Ore me a kiss, lass. Ton know you love me, and we 
won't part in ill-blood ;"' and she had been in her temper itilli 
and answered : 

^' No, I don't know as I do love you,'* and had let him go 
with never a kiss and never a fair word ; and now — And 
there she stopped, and awful, tearless sobs shook her ; and the 
visitor could only say : 

'* Do not grieve so hopelessly ; perhaps he knows what you 
feel now.'' But the mourner's ears were deaf to all comfort, 
and the wailing cry came again and again : 

^* Oh^ if I had only spoke him fair at the last !" 

It is not a common story, this. We quarrel with those we 
love, and part, and meet and make up again ; and death is 
merciful, and waits till we are at peace ; yet how possible is 
just such an experience to any one of us who parts wifch some 
dear one in anger, or who lets the sun go dovm upon -wrath ! 

But it is always the noblest nature, the most loyal heart, 
which is the first to cry, " I was wrong ; forgive me." 



vm Amo Huircm. 140 

The Bflbot off a Slnd VTonL 

That wa3 a delicate oompliment given by a ragged little Irish 
ne!Wsboy to the pretty girl who bought a paper of hiin. " Pooi 
little fellow," said she, " ^'t you very cold t '' 

^^I was, ma'am, before you passed," he replied. 

«Sl88lxiff Mother.** 

Gcoffft /vol* 

A &ther, talking to his careless daughter, said : 

*^ I want to speak to you of your mother. It may be that 
jrou have noticed a careworn look upon her face lately. Of 
course, it has not been brought there by any act of yours, still 
it is your duty to chase it away. I want you to get up to-mor- 
row morning and get breakfast ; and when your mother comes, 
and begins to express her surprise, go right up to her and kiss 
her on the mouth. Toa can't imagine how it will brighten 
her dear face. 

*' Besides, you owe her a kiss or two. Away back, when you 
were a little girl, she kissed you when no one else was tempted 
by yom* fever-tainted breath and swolen lace. You were not 
as attractive then as you are now. And through tliose year^ 
of childish sunshine and shadows, she was always ready to 
cure, by the magic of a mother's kiss, the little, dirty, chubby 
hands whenever they were injured in those first skirmishes 
with the rough old world. 

*^ And then the midnight kiss with which she routed so many 
bad dreams, as she leaned above your restless pillow, have all 
been on interest these long, long years. 

*' Of course, she is not so pretty and kissable as you are ; 
but if you had done your share of work during the. last ten 
years, the contrast would not be so marked. 

** Her fjjce has more wrinkles than yours, and yet if you 
were sick, that face would appear far more beautiful than an 
angel's as it hovered over you, watching every opportunity to 



141 PATHOS. 



to your oomfixrty and every one oi those wrinkleB woald 
seem to be bright wavelets of sunshine chasing each other over 
the dear face. 

^' She will leave you one of these days. These burdens, ii 
not lifted from her shoulders, will break her down. Those 
rough, hard hands that have done so many necessary things 
for you, will be crossed upon her lifeless breast 

^'Tliose neglected lips, that gave you your first baby kiss, 
will be forever closed, and those sad, tired eyes will have 
opened in eternity, and thto yon will appreciate your mother i 
but it will be too late." 

fVWUDTllTlflf tot VBilptL 

A lady in the street met a little giri between two and three 
years old, evidently lost, and crying 'bittefly. The lady took 
the baby's hand and asked where she was going. 

'' Down to find my papa,^' was the sobbing reply. 

^' What is your papa's name t '' asked the lady. 

^' His name is papa." 

*^But what is his other name t What does you mamma call 
him?" 

^^ She calls him papa," persisted the little creature. 

The lady tried to lead her along, ^' You had better come 
with me. I guess you came this w^ I " 

^^Yes, but I don't want to go back. I want to find my 
papa,"' replied the little girl, crying afresh, as if her heart 
would break. 

'^ What do you want of your papal" asked the lady. 

^^I want to kiss him. 

Just at this time a sister of the child;, who had been search 
mg for her, came along and took possession of the little run- 
away. From inquiry it appeared that the little one's papa, 
whom she was so earnestly seeking, had recently died, and she« 
tired of waiting for him to come home, had gone out to find 
him. 



WIT AND HUMOR. 142 



I 

An doqaent Reply. 



&& 



I hare just heard one of the most eloquent remarks from 
an unexpected source that I ever listened to," said Col. Charles 
S. Spencer, the other day. ^^ I have been forwarding the case 
of a poor, ignorant Irishwoman, whose husband, a smart and 
pushing man, has abandoned her without means of support. 
The case was a very plain one against him. Indeed, he had 
absolutely no defense. The judge asked my client finally: 

^' Have you any means of support whatever^ madam } '^ 

** Well, yer honor," she replied quietly ; " I have three, to 
tell the truth." 
'Three 1" 

"Yifl, sor." 

" What are they?'- 

''Me two hands, yer honor," answered the poor creatnie, 
'^ me good health, and me God ! " 



Jadk. 

A year or more ago, as the foreman of one of the iron works 
of this dly was crossing the yard one day, he espied 8. little 
skip of a boy, seemingly not over eleven years old, seated on 
a big fly-wheel and chewing the end of bitter reflection. 

"Who are you?" 

"I'm Jack."- 

" What are you doing here ? '' 

"Resting." 

" What do you want?" 

"A job." 

Those were the questions and answei s. The boy was pale and 
ragged, but in his steel-blue eyes the foreman saw game. And, 
too, the idea of a waif like him setting out to baMie the world 
touched a tender chord in the heart of the man who had boye 
of his own, and he set Jack at work in the yard* 



143 PATHOS. 

No one thought the boy would stay a week, and no cared to 
ask where hfe came from or who he was. But he stuck. He 
was hard working and faithAiI, and, as the weeks went by, he 
gained friends. One day he walked up to the foreman and 
said: 

" I want to learn the trade ? " 

** You ? Ha ! ha ! ha I Why, Jack, you are not big 
enough to handle a cold-chisel." 

" I can whip any 'prentice boy in this shop !" was the earn- 
est declaration. 

"Just hear him 1 Why, any of the lot could turn you wrong 
side out I When you get big enough to whip the smallest one 
you come to me for a job." 

At noon tliat day Jack walked up to the biggest apprentice 
boy in the shop and said : 

" Come out doors." 

" What do you want ? * 

" I'm going to lick you." 

"What for?" 

"Because I want a chance to !eam the trade." 

The two went out, and, in sight of twenty witnesses, little 
Jack won a victory. At 1 o'clock he touched his cap to the 
foreman and said : 

" I've licked your biggest 'prentice, and want to go to work ! " 

Ten minute? later he had become a machinists apprentice, 
and if you go in there today, you will find him with greasy 
hands, oily face and a head full of business ideas. Jack carries 
the keys to the drawers where the steam gauges, safety valves 
and other tiimmings are kept, and he knows the use of 
every tool, the workings of every piece ot machinery, and 
there is a constant call for Jack here and Jack there. Before 
he is twenty, he will be a finished machinist, and before he is 
twenty-five, he will be foreman of some gi'eat shop. He is 
quiet, earnest, respectful and observing. What he does is 
well done. What he is told he never forgets. 



WIT ASD HUUOB. 144 

And here in Detroit are hundreds of boys who complaiii 
that there is no chance for them, even when backed by money 
and influence. They wait and wait and whine and complain, 
and leave it for waifs like little Jack to call up the game in 
their sohls, and walk boldly into a great manufacturing works 
and say : 

" Pm here — I want a job I " 



Bli Perkins' Baby Story. 

In the cabin of the steamer St. John, coming up the Hud- 
eon the other evening, sat a sad, serious-looking man, who 
looked as if he might have been a clerk or bookkeeper. The 
man seomed to be caring for a crying baby, and was doing 
everything lie could to still its sobs. As the child became rest- 
less m the berth, the gentleman took it in his arms and carried 
it to and fro in the cabin. The sobs of the child irritated a 
rich man, who was trying to read, until he blurted out loud 
enough for the father to hear : 

^' What does he want to disturb the whola cabin with that 
baby for ? '' 

*^ Hush, baby, hush I " and then the man only nestled the 
baby closer in his arms without saying a word. Then the baby 
sobbed again. 

*' Where is the confounded mother that she don*t stop its 
noise?'' continued the profane grumbler. 

At this, the griei-stricken father came up to the man, and 
with tears in his eyes, said: " I am sorry to disturb you, sir, but 
my dear baby's mother is in her coffin down in the bagg^e- 
room. I'm taking her back to her father in Albany, where we 
used to live." 

The hard-hearted man buried his face in shame, but in a 
moment, wilted by the terrible rebuke, he was by the side of 
the grief-stricken father. They were both tending the baby. 



145 PATHOS. 



V I Should Die To-Klgtit. 

If I should die to-night 
ICy friends would look upon my quiet fiuse 
Before they laid it in its resting place. 
And deem that death had left it almost fidr 
And, laying snow-white flowers against my hair» 
Would smooth it down with tearful tenderness. 
And fold my hands with lingering caress — 
Poor hands, so empty and so cold to-night I 

If I should die to-night 
My Mends would call to mind Vith loving thought^ 
Some kindly deed my icy haiids had wrought, 
Some gentle word the frozen lips had said ; 
£rraiids on which the willing feet had sped ; 
The memory of my selfishness and pride, . 
My hasty words, would all be put amde; 
And so I should be loved to-night. 

If I should die to-night 
£ven hearts estranged would turn once more to nm, 
Recalling other days remorsefully. 
The eyes that chill me with averted glance 
Would look upon me as of yore, perchance, 
And soften, in the old £Euniliar way ; 
For who could war with dumb, unconscious day ? 
80 I might rest, forgiven of all, to-night 

Oh, friends, I pray to-night. 
Keep not your kisses from my dead, cold brow ; 
Tne way is lonely, let me feel them now. 
Think gently of me ; I am travel-worn ; 
My £Ekltering feet are pierced with many a thorn ; 
Forgive, oh, hearts estranged, forgive, I plead I 
When dreamless rest is mine, I shall not need 
The tenderness for which I long to-night. 



Heaven Help Them I 

Five weeping children were left orphans the other day by 
the death of their mother, a widow who lived on Prospect 
street The father was killed at one of the depots about two 
years ago, and since then the mother had kept the &mily to- 



WIT AND HUMOBd J^g 

gether bv hard days' work. Lack of food, exposure, and 
worry brought on an iUness which terminated fi^Uy, and the 
children hnddled together in a comer of the room feeling awed 
and frightened, but yet unable to realize that death had made 
them waifs. When the remains had been sent away to pot- 
ter's field, a dozen women gathered and hdld a whispered 
conversation : 

^'111 take one of the poor things, though IVe four duldren 
of my own,'' said one of the women* 

"And m take another." 

"And ni take one." 

"And so will I." 

Then there was the baby — a toddling boy, who had been 
rocked to sleep every night of his life, and whose big blue eyes 
were full of tears as he shrank behind his sister to escape ob- 
servation. As none of the poor women seemed prepared to 
take so young a child, a girl not over ten years old, dressed a 
little better than other cliildren there, crept into the group, 
reached out for the babe, patted his white head, kissed him, 

« 

and said : 

"I will take this one t I have no brother, and ma and pa 
will let me keep him. He can sleep in my trundle-bed, play 
with my doll, and they may put all the Christmas presents into 
his stocking ! " and the girl ran around the comer and returned 
with her mother, who sanctioned all she hsd said. "Come, 
bubby — ^you're mine now ! " called the girl, and he laughed as 
she put her arms around hini and tried to lift him up. 

By-and-by a woman said: "Children, you have neither 
&ther, mother, nor home. You must 'be divided up or go to 
the pooi^house. Kiss each other, poor orphans, and all kiss 
the baby 1 " 

They put their arms around him, and hugged and kissed 
!iim, and they went out from the old house to go in different 
directions, and perhaps never again to meet all together. 



Poe's Annabel Lee. 

It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the 
Sea, that a maiden there lived, whom you may know by the 
name of Annabel' Lee; and this Maiden she lived with no 
other though t> than to love, and be loved, by me I / was a 
child, and %hs was a child, in this kingdom by the Sea ; but 
we loved with a love that was more than love, — I and my 
Ajinabel Lee ; with a love that the winged seraphs of heaven 
coveted her and me ! And this was the reason that, long ago, 
in this kingdom by the Sea, a wind blew out of a cloud, chill- 
ing my heautifiil Annabel Lee ; so that her high-born kinsmen 
came and bore her away from me, to shut her up in a sepul- 
chre — in this kingdom by the Sea/ The Angels, not half so 
happy in heaven, went envying her and me ; yes ! that was the 
reason (as all men know, in this kingdom by the Seaj that the 
wind came out of the cloud by night, chilling and killing my 
Annabel Lee. But our love it was stronger by far than the 
love of those who are older than we — of many far wiser than 
we ; and neither the Angels in heaven above, — nor the De- 
mons down under the sea, — can ever dissever my soul from 
the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee 1 For the moon never 
beams without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel 
Lee ; and the stars never rise but 1 feel the bright eyes of the 
beautiful Annabel Lee ; and so, all the night tide, I lie down 
by the side of my darling — my darling — my life and my 
bride ; in her sepulchre there by the Sea,— in her tomb by 
the sounding Sea I 

Ell's Baby Story. 

•*Liiiie, did you say your prayers last night?" asked a 
fashionable mother of her sweet little girl who remained home 
while the mother went to the Charity-Ball. 

^^ Yes, mamma, I said 'em all alone.'' 



WIT AND HUMaB. U8 

m 

•** But who did yon say them to, Lillie, wnen yoor nurse was 
irnt with me ? '' 

" Well, mamma, when I went to bed I looked around the 
house for somebody to say my prayers to, and there wasn^t 
nobody in the house to say 'em to, and so I said 'em to God." 

1£. Quad's Pathos. 

It surprised the shiners and newsboys around the postoffice 
the other day to see " Limpy Tim" come among them in a 
quiet way, and to hear him say : 

"Boys, I want to sell my kit. Here's two brushes, a hull 
box of blacking, a good stout box, and the outfit goes for two 
• shiUin's ! " 

*'Goin' away, Tim?" queried ope. 

' Not 'zactly, boys, but I want a quarter the awfullest kind, 
jnsi now." 

" Goin' on a 'scursion ? " asked another. * 

'*Not today, but I must have a quarter," he answered. 

One of the lads passed over the change and took the kit, and 
Tim walked straight to the counting-room of a daily paper, put 
down his money, and said : 

"I guess I kin write it if you'll give me a pencil." 

With slow-moving fingers he wrote a death notice. It went 
into the paper almost as he wrote it, but you might not have 
seen it He wrote : 

Died — Litul Ted — of scarlet fever; aiged three yeres. Funeral 
to-morrer, gon up to Hevln ; left won bruther. 

" Was it your brother ? " asked the cashier. 

Tim tried to brace up but he couldn't. The big tears came 
up, his chin quivered, and he pointed to the notice on the 
counter and gasped : 

"I — I had to sell my kit to do it, b — but he had his arms 
aroun' my neck when he d — died ! " 

He hurried away home, but the news went to the boys, and 



148 



PATHO0. 



they gathered in a group and talked. Tim had not been home 
an honr before a barefooted boy left the kit on* the doorstep, 
and in the box was a bonqnet of flowers, which had been 
purchased in the market by pennies contributed by the crowd 
oi ragged, but big-hearted urchins. Did God ever make a 
heart which would not respond if the right chord was touched ? 

A Texan's Bovinsrs. 

EU PerkinM, 

Cbl. Albert C. Pelton, whose beautiftil twenty-thousand- 
acre ranche is out toward the Eio Grande, near Laredo, has 
been the Peter the Hermit of the Texans for yeai*8. He has 
believed that he held a divine commission to kill Apache 
Indians. Col. Pelton came to Texas in 1844, a common sol- 
dier. By talent and courage he rose to the rank of colonel, 
and finally, in 1847, commanded Fort Macrae. That year he 
fell in love with a beautiful Spanish girl at Alburquerque, N. 
M. Her parents were wealthy, and would not consent to their 
daughter's going away from all her friends to live in a garri- 
son. The admiration of the young couple was mutual, and 
parental objections only intensified the affection of the lovers. 
The Spanish girl's nature is such that, once in love, she never 
changes. Finally, after two years' entreaty and devotion, CoL 
Pelton won the consent of the parents of the beautiful Span- 
ish girl, and they were married and removed to Fort Macrae. 

Then commenced a honeymoon such as only lovers, shut up 
in a beautiful flower-environed fort, can have. The lovely 
character of the beautiful bride won the hearts of, all the 
soldiers of the fort, and she remained a queen among these 
rough frontiersmen. One day, when the love of the soldier 
and his lovely wife was at its height the two, accompanied 
by the young wife's mother and twenty soldiers, rode out to 
the hot springs, six miles from the ib\% to take a bath. While 
in the bath, whicli is near the Rio Grande, an Indian ^s arrow 
passed over their heads. Then a shower of arroM^ fell around 



Wrr ABD HUMOR. IffO 

them, and a band of wild Apache Indians rushed down upon 
them, whooping and jelling like a band of demons. Several 
of the soldiers fell dead, pierced with poisoned arrows. Tliis 
frightened the rest, who fled. Another shower of arrows, 
and the beautiful bride and her mother fell in the water, pierced 
by the cruel weapons of the Apache. With his wife dying 
before his eyes. Col. Pelton leaped up the bank, grasped his 
lifle, and killed the leader of the savage fiends. But the 
Apaches were too much for the colonel. Pierced with two 
poisoned arrows, he swam into the river and hid under an 
over-hanging rock. After the savages had left, the colonel 
swam the river and made his way back to Fort Macrae. Here 
his wounds were dressed, and he finally recovered, bnt only to 
live a blasted life — without love, without hope ; with a vision 
of his beautiful wife, pierced with )K>isoned arrows, dying per- 
petually before his eyes. 

After the death of his wife a change came to Ool. Pelton. 
He seemed to think that he had a sacred mission fifom heaven 
to avenge his young wife's death. He secured ^e most uner- 
ring rifles, surrounded himself with brave companions, and 
consecrated himself to the work of revenge. He was always 
anxious to lead any and all expeditions against the Apaches. 
Whenever any of the other Indians were at war with the 
Apaches, Col. Pelton would soon be at the head of the former. 
One day he would be at the head of his soldiers and the next 
day he would be at the head of a band of Mexicans. Nothing 
gave him pleasure but the sight of dead Apaches. He defied 
the Indian arrows and courted death. Once, with a band of 
the wildest desperadoes, he penetrated 100 miles into the 
Apache country. The Apaches never dreamed that anything 
bnt an entire regiment would dare to follow them to tbeir 
camp in the mountains. So when Col. Pelton swooped down 
into their lodges with ten trusty followers, firing their Henr\ 
at the rate of twenty times a minute, the Apaches fied in 



i6i PATHOS. 

ooiiBteniation, leaving their women and children behind. It 
was then that there darted out of a lodge a white woman. 

" Spare the women ! " she cried, and fainted to the gronnd. 

When the colonel jumped from his saddle to lift up the 
woman he found she was blind. 

^^ How came yon here, woman, with these damned Apaches ? " 
he asked. 

'' I was wounded and captured," she said, " ten years ago. 
Take, oh, take me back agaiu ! " 

" Have yon any relations in Texas ? '' asked the colonel. 

'*No, my father lives in Albuquerque. My husband, 
Colonel Pelton, and my mother were killed by the Indians." 

'' Great God, Bella I Is it you — my wife ? " 

•' Oh, Albert, I knew you would come ! " exclaimed the 
poor wife, blindly reaching her hands to clasp her husband. 

Of course there was joy in the old ranche when Col. Pelton 
got back with his wife. The Apaches had carried the wounded 
woman away with them. The poison caused inflammation, 
which finally destroyed her eyesight 

' When I saw the colonel in his Texas ranche he was reading 
a newspaper to his blind wife, while in her hand she held a 
bouquet of fragrant Cape jessamines which he had gathered for 
her. It was a picture of absolute happiness. 

Oliver 'WendeU Holmes' Pathos. 

Ck)-m-e in I Well I declare stranger, you gave me quite a 
turn I I — I — was kind of expectin' somebody, and for half a 
minute I thought mebbe as 'twas her, but she'd never stop to 
knock ; want a bite and a sup and a night's lodging ? Why, 
of course ; sit down, do. I — ^a — most forgot to ask you, I 
was that flustrated. Poor soul 1 how tired and worn-out yon 
look ! I can make you comfortable for the night and give yen 
a good meal of victuals, and a shake-down on the floor, but I 
would s-c-a-ivc-e-1-y like to put you in Lizzie's room — she was 
that particular, and your clothes are so wet and drabbled 



WIT AKD HDHOB. .9 

Why, woman, what makes you shake so— -ague? Never 
heard tell of any in these parts. Guess you mast have brought 
it with you. Well, a good night's rest will set you up wonder- 
ftdly, and you can Ife right here by the stove, and the fire 
arsmolderin^ will keep you warm, and the light will be a-burn- 
in' till it's broad day — broad day ! 

What do I keep the Ught a-bumin' for? Well, now, when 
folks ask me that, sometimes I tells them one thing and some- 
"times I tells them another. I don't know as I mind tellin' you, 
because you're such a poor, misfortunit creeture,, and a stranger, 
and my heart kind of goes out to such. You see, I have a 
daughter. She's been away these ten years, has liizzie, and 
they do say as she's livin' in grandeur in some furrin" place, 
and she's had her head turned with it all, for slie never lets her 
poor old mother hear from her, and the fine peojjle she's with 
coaxed her off unbeknownst to me, and I don't mind telling 
you as it was a great shock to me, and I ain't the same woman 
since Lizzie went out one night, and when she kissed me, said : 

'' Leave a light in the window, mother, till I come back ;" 
and tliat was ten years ago, and I've never sefen her since, but 
I've burned a light in the window every night all these ten 
years, and shall till she comes home. 

Yes, it's hard to be a mother and be disappointed so. I 
allowed she was dead till folks who had seen her well and 
splendid told me different, and I was sick a long time — ^that's 
what made my hair so white — ^bnt I hope she never heard of it; 
'twould have her as miserable as 1 was, and her fine things 
wouldn't have been much comfort to her ! Folks blame her 
terribly, but I'm her mother, and it jnst seemd as if I could see 
her ; so pretty, with her long brown curls, and the smile she 
had, and her gentle ways, and I loving her better than Heaven 
above me ! This is my punishment — to sit alone all day and 
never to sleep at night, but 1 hear her crying ''Mother! 
mother I where are you I " and if I go once, I go a dozen times 
to the dooi, and look up and down the lonesome road and call 



158 PikTHoa 

^*lri-z-z-i-e ! L-i-^z-i-e I " and there^*) never any answer but the 
aightrwind moaning in the trees t 

Well, I didn't mean to make you feel bad ; don't cry, poor 
soul I TouVe had enough trouble of your own, I guess by 
your looks I Your hands are like ice — ^and your temple and 
your face is white and — and — why, what is this ? You are not 
old and your hair hangs in brown curls — and your eyes — ^Mer- 
ciful God ! it's Lizzie come back to her mother — ^it's my child 
that was lost and is found — put out the light — put out the light 
for the night is over and it's the clear broad day at last 1 



Blest they who seek. 

While in their youth 

With spirit meek, 

The way of truth. 
To them the sacred Scriptures now display 
Christ as the only true and living way; 
His precious hlood on Calvary was given 
To make them heirs of endless bliss in Heaven- 
And e*en on earth the child of God can trace 
the glorious blessings of his Saviour's grace. 

For them he bore 

His Father's frown; 

For them he wore 

The thorny Crown; ^ 

Nailed to the Cross, 

Endured its pain, 

That His life's loss 

Miglit be their gain. 

Then ha^te to choose 

That better part, 

Nor e'er dare refkise 

The Lord thy hearty 

Lest He declare, 

"I know 3'ou not," 

And deep despair 

Should be your lot. 

Now look to Jesus who on Calvary died^ 

And trust in Him who there was crocifled 



WIT ASD BxmasL IM 

Xjost Ohlldren in New York. 

"LoBtchfldl'' 

That nsed to be the cry, but now, though there are a dozen 
children lost every day in New York, the thing is so system- 
atized that it is impossible for a child to be lost for any length 
of time. The only thing is to know what to do to find it, and, 
if you read three minutes longer, you will know all about it'' 

** How can we find a lost child t " 

^^ The first thing you must do after the child is lost is to go 
to Police Headquarters on Mulberry street, near Houston* 
Away up in the fifth story of that marble-front building are 
three rooms labeled *Lost Children's Department' Tliis Lost 
Child's Department was established in 1864. Here you will 
see a dozen cozy cribs, cradles, and beds for the little lost 
children and foundlings of the city. Yes, and sometimes for 
old men and women, too — lost in their second childhood. 

At the head of this department you will see the middle-aged 
matron, Mrs. Ewing— a bright, systematic American woman. 

**How do the lost children get here? " 

*^ First, they are picked up by kind-hearted policemen^ and 
taken to their respective station-houses. Here they are kept 
until seven p.m. Then the sergeant of police sends them with 
a ticket to Mrs. Ewing, at Police Headquarters.'' 

'* What does Mrs. Ewing do with them ? " 

^^She first enters the child's name on the book, gives it a 
number ; then writes its sex, age, color, by whom found, where 
found, precinct sent from, and time received. Then, after the 
child is gone, she writes aft;er its name how long it stayed and 
what became of it" 

"What becomes of the children sent here?" 

"Every effort is made to find out where the child lives, who 
its parents are, the father's profession, etc. ; and if, at the end 
of three days, nothing is heard from the parents or friends oi 



155. PATHOS. 

the child, ib is pent by Inspector Dilks to No. 66 Third Ave- 
nue, to the Superlntendeiit uf the *OuL-Door Poor,' for the 
Department of Public Charities and Correction." 
"What then?" 

"Here, in the Charity and Correction Building, are some 
nice rooms kept by a good woman by the name of Tumey, and 
the children ar^ cared for till the old nurse named 'Charity' 
takes them in a carriage to the foot of Twenty-sixth Street and 
the East River, and accompanies them on the boat to the 
Foundling Hospital on RandaP's Island, where they stay at 
school till they are claimed, bound out, or become old enough 
to support themselves." 

We have now followed the lost child from the time when 
first lost, through the local station iiouse, Police Headquarters, 
and to Randall's Island. Now we will return to the Police 
Headquarters and hear what Mrs. Ewing says about the babies. 

" How many children are lost per uionth?" Tasked of the 
matron . 

"I had eight ye.^rerday. From 400 to 600 pass through our 
bands every moiitli in summer, but in winter not so many 
Then, sometimes, we have old people, too." 

" Do you have many old people ! " 

"No, only a few. Yesterday tlie poli«e brought in a nice 
old lady with white hair, who seemed to be all in confusion. 
The sight of the police had frightened her," continued the 
matron ; "but as soon as I got her in here I gave her a. nice 
cup of tea, and commenced to find out where she lived." 

"Who do you live with, grandma?" I asked, for she was 
eighty years old.  

She said she lived No. 700, but she didn't know the street. 
Th«n pretty soon she seemed to gain confich-i.ce m me, and 
she took out a big roll of bank bills and a Thi.u Avenue Sav^- 
ings Bank book. 

" See," said the old lady, confidentially, " I went to get thiBi 



Wn AHD HUMOB. 156 

and I got oonfosed when I came out I live on the same street 
with the bank." 

^^ And sure enough,'' said the matron, ^^ when we looked in 
the directory there we found her daugliter's residence. No. 700 
Third Avenne. When the police took the old lady home the 
daughter was half crazy for fear her mother had been robbed." 

*'Do you have a good deal of trouble in finding out the resi 
dences of chOdren ? " 

^^ Not very often. But sometimes the eliildren stray across 
the ferries from Jersey City and Brooklyn, and then there are 
so many streets in Brooklyn and Jersey named after our streets, 
that we are sorely puzzled. 

"The other day, to illustrate, a pretty little German girl 
was picked up down toward Fulton street The only thing she 
knew was that she lived comer of Warren and Broadway, so 
the police brought her up here. I sent her the next day to the 
comer of Warren and Broadway, but there were nothing but 
warehouses there, so* we were veiy much puzzled. When the 
little girl came back I thought her heart would break. The hot 
tears rolled down her cheeks, and her face was hot with fever. 
O, It was roasting hot I I was afraid she would be sicL So I 
said: 

" ^ Sissy, don't cry any more ; lay down, ana wnen you wake 
up your papa will be here.' 

" ^ O, will he come, sure, will he ? ' sobbed the little girl. 

"SYes, my child,' I said, and then I put her in the crib. 
She had a paper of peanuts and seventy cents in her pocket 
which she said her mother gave her.' These I put before her 
on a chair, and the little diing soon fell asleep. 

"About two o'clock in the morning," continued the matron, 
" somebody knocked u.t tlie door. I got up and strack a light, 
and as I opened it a man asked : 

** ' Have you got a little lost girl here ? ' 

^ ^ Yes, we>e got three little girls here to-night,' I said. 



107 PATHOS. 

*^fiat hare 70a got a little girl dressed in a little red hood 
and a plaid shawl t ' 

^^ ^ Yes ; just such a one. Ck>me in and see her. 

^^Then,'' continued the matron, ^^he came in. The light 
shone on the little girPs face in the crib. In a second the 
fiither had her ont of it and in his arms. '' 

^^ ^ How did you get over here, baby ? ' he cried, as he held 
his rough beard against her face. But the little girl only 
sobbed and clung to him all the more. '^ 

^^ What was the child's mistake about the street ? '- I asked. 

^^ Well, she lived comer of Broadway and Walton street. 
Brooklyn, and she spoke Walton as if it were Warren.'^ 

A while ago a little boy, three and a half years old, living in 
Passaic Village, New Jersey, strayed away from home. He wan- 
dered to the railroad, and when he saw a car stop he thought 
it would be a nice thing to take a ride. So he climbed up 
the steps, got into the car and rode to Jersey Gty. When the 
car stopped he wandeied on to the ferryboat with the surging 
crowd of passengers, and was soon at the foot of Courtland 
street, in the great city of New York. Here he played around 
a litUe while in high glee. By and by, as night came on, he 
began to be hungry and to cry for his father and mother. So 
a kind-hearted policeman picked him up, took him to the 
station-house, and the sergeant sent him to Mrs. Swing's* at 
Police Headquarters. 

As soon as little Johnny was missed at home, in Passaic, 
the search commenced. Dinner came and no Johnny — ^then 
the supper passed and the father and mother began to be fran 
tic. They searched everywhere for two days and two nights. 
The big foundry at Passaic was stopped, and one hundred men 
scoured the country. Then as a last resort, his heart-broken 
Father came to New York. After putting an advertisement in 
the Herald^ he thought he would go to Police Headquarters. 

Johnny was such a bright little boy that the matron had taken 



wrr AUD uuMQB. IM 

him out shopping with her on Broadway when the jhther came, 
so he sat down till her return to question her about lost 
children. • 

Judge of his astonishment and joy, after fifteen minutes^ 
waiting, when Johnny came flat upon him with the matron. 

" Why, my little boy I '' cried the father, "how did you get 
here ? " But Johnny was too full of joy to reply, and when his 
father went off to the telegraph office to tell the glad news to 
his mother, he cried till his father took him along too, and he 
wouldn't let go his father's hand till he got clear back to Pas- 
saic, for fear he would be lost again. 

A while ago in Paterson a young man, by the name of 
Taylor, pretended to love a young lady. His love was re- 
tnmed — ^then came deceit and seduction. The girl had a 
beautiful child, and although it was bom in sorrow,' she had 
great love fbr it^ for the cold-hearted world had deserted her : 
women treated her with icy looks, and the baby was her only 
hope. 

One moi-ning— it was the morning before the July riots- 
on the 1 1th of July, about four o'clock in the morning, a 
policeman found the babe, then eleven months old, on the cold 
steps of a big brown stone house on West Thirty-third street 
It was taken to the station-house by a policeman, and then sent 
to Mrs. Ewuig, at Police Headquarters. Here it was kept for 
two days, and then sent to Randall's Island. 

The mother was frantic with remorse when she found her 
child was abducted in Paterson, and as it was in Alice Bowlsby 
times, Buspicious eyes were tamed toward Taylor, its father. 
He was arrested. The Paterson Chief of Police came to New 
York, found out that the child had gone to Eai)'^<>ll's Island, 
and that the Commissioners of Charity had adopted it oat to ' 
some rich people in Brooklyn. When this news was conveyed 
to the unhappy mother she started ^^ post haste " to see her 
child in Brooklyn. With her heart throbbing vrith joy, she 
rang the bell and passed in. Too happy to suppress hei 



emotions, she showed her exuberance of spirits, and was jnst 
going to laugh with joy when a woman came out of the room 
crying. 

''01 our baby is dead — she is dead 1'' cried the woman, 
wringing her hands. 

With all her joy turned to anguish, the real mother passed 
into the death room, and there she saw her little baby, with 
her eyes closed in death. 

She had just died. 

The meeting between these two mothers was affecting, 
indeed. Together they told over the story of tlie little one, 
and together they shed their tears of sympathy at her hineral. 
Neither knew which loved her the most ! 

'' Do you ever have any rich people's children nere ? " I asked 
the matron. 

''Yes, frequently. They got lost, shopping with their 
mothers on Broadway, and the Broadway police have orders 
not to take tlie lost children which they find to the station- 
house, but bring them directly here. And here their fathers 
and mothers frequently come after them." 

" What other children get cared for here? " I asked. 

" Well, the little Italian harp boys frequently come here 
with the police to stay over night, but after they get a nice 
warm breakfast, they suddenly remember where they live, and 
we let the?n go. They are very cute, they are ? " 

The intelligent matron talked on for an hour, giving me a 
hundred pathetic and funny instances of child-losing in the 
great city — ^but you have already read enough. 

George Alfred IV^wnsend's Story. 

It was not long ago that a gentleman said to me — he was 
m yrine — "Johnny, I will take your best bouquet — that big 
one on a tray, fit to be the bridal bed of Eve — if you will carr; 
^ to this address." 



WIT AJiD HnNOBt 16<^ 

** AD right, boss,*' was ray response, as I took Iiir $10 bill, 
and observed a rather devilish light in his eye, while lie wrote 
a name on a card. It was a beam of the light that shone in the 
eye of Cain as the discriminating flame of heaven shot past 
his offering and blazed on AbePs altar. Hov/ever, I wasn't 
particalar about what was going on in his mind, and he slipped 
the card in the bouquet, and I started ofi to deliver it. Stop- 
ping close by to change my note and eat a bit of lunch, a good 
many people gathered near the great prize bouquet and began 
to talk about it and to smell it, and so, whether some jealous 
rival stole that card, or whether I had dropped it on the street 
the card was missing wheti I took up that great salver of 
flowers again. 

I hastened back to the place where I had met the gentleman. 
He had gone away in a carriage. I told my trouble to the 
hotel clerk, the genial Gillis, and he said, ^' Pshaw I take it to 
his wife. He is no sporting man." 

Now, that gentleman I knew, by an accident of passing his 
house, and I had often admired the inflexible, the solitary, the 
lofty and self reliant quality in him. He was kind to his 
inferiors, manly to his equals, haughty to his superiors. About 
once or twice a year he showed liquor in his eyes as if Cain 
had bred on AbePs stock, and a little liquor brought out the 
consanguinity. I said to myself, ''These flowers will wither 
for which I have been paid. I believe he meant to send them 
to his wife, and I will take them." 

I rang the door-bell of his house and asked for the lady. 
Shown into the parlor I saw my buyer's picture over the 
mantel. Tlie house was not expensively furnished, but looked 
Uke the abode of perseverance in some moderately compensat 
ing profession and slow but gaining conquest on half fortune. 
A lady entered the parlor and beheld the flowers. She turned 
to me and said : " Who are these for J " 

" For you, madam," 



161 PATHOS. 

**For me?" Her face flushed. "Who has dared to send 
flowers to me?'' 

I saw I was in for it somewhere, and there was no safety but 

in consistent lying. " Your husband sent them, Mrs. ." 

I had heard his name, and felt tliat thic was his wife. 

" My husband t ^' Her voice faltered. " How came he to 
iend me flowers t Have yon not made a mistake 1 " 

" No, madam. He has never bought flowers from me be- 
fore: He is not a customer of gallantly. There is no mistake 
about it" 

She seemed all fluttered, like a widow told that her husband 
has returned to life. Looking now at the flowers, again at hid 
portrait, her eyes dilated, her temples flushed. She walked to 
me like a woman of authority and under some high mental 
excitement Looking into my eyes she said : 

" What did my husband say t " 

^^ He said, madam, ' I have not made a present to my dear 
wife for years. Business and care have arisen between us. 
Take her these flowers that their blossoms may dispel the win- 
ter from our hearts and make us young again.' " 

She turned to the bouquet and rained her tears upon it An 
orange bud she took, all blinded so, and hid it in her bosom- 
She sank upon her knees, and laid her head among the flowers 
to let their coolness refresh her paithed, neglected heart, and 
sobbed the joy of love and confidence again. I stole away like 
a citizen of the world. 

As I went up the street and stopped at the oame hotel,, the 
husband was there. " Johnny," said he, '' did you deliver the 
bouquet ? " "Yes, I took it to your wife." "To my wife »" 
"Yes, boss, you are too good a man to wander as you wished 
to go. Go home. The ice is broken. Your wife is full of 
gratitude. Saved by a mistake, embrace the blessed opening 
made for both of you ; plant those rich blossoms on the grave 
of estrangement, and in the words of the great good booiL, 
* ding to the wife of thy youth.' " 



i 



WIT AND HimOB. 162 

He staggered a moment, looked as if he ought to knock me 
down, and mshed fix>m the place. 

Next day I met her upon his arm. 

^^ Johnny/' he said, ^^ bring her as big a bouquet every week, 
and save one scarlet rose for me I ^ 



BDi Porkinfl' Hera 

^' Oaptain Mason used to be a drinker and a fighter himself 
like the other Hickory Bayon boys,'* said Ctol. Baker, the 
Chairman of the Cairo (111.) Lecture Association. "He's 
joined the church now, but he always takes care of every 
drunken man he sees. See, he's putting Whiskey Bill into 
his wagon now." 

" But why does he interest himself so for Wliiskey Bill ? " 
I asked. 

" Well, as I was saying, the Oaptain used to be a drinker 
and a fighter himself. He was sentenced to be shot once in 
the army for fighting. He struck an officer — got on a drunken 
frolic, and " 

" How did the Captain escape t '^ I asked. 

" Well," said the Colonel, " Mason, with a dozen fellows 
from tlie Hickory Bayou, enlisted in my regiment He was 
a splendid soldier, — always ready for battle, — one of the best 
men in the regiment, but he would have his 8{5rees. One day, 
about three weeks before the battle of Mission Bidge, Mason 
brought a canteen of whiskey into camp, and, always generous, 
went to giving it to the boys. This was against orders ; so I 
ordered my Major to arrest him and put him in the guard- 
house. Mason found out that the Major was after him with a 
squad of men, and, fiill of deviltry, he commenced dodging 
around behind the tents to keep from being arrested. But 
pretty quick in trying to keep away from the men he ran square 
against the Major. 



163 PATOoa. 

^* ^ Here, yon rascal t ' said tde Major, seizing him by the 
coat-oollar, without giving him a chance to explain, ^Now yon 
walk to the gnard-honse t I'll fix you, you scoundrel ! ^ 
.. ^^ But, in the excitement of tlie moment, Mason knocked the 
Major flat, and then he went and gave himself up.'' 

" What, was done about it t '' I asked. 

^^ Well, Mason was tried before a court-martial for striking 
a superior officer, sentenced to be shot, and the sentence was 
sent to Gen. Jeff C. Davis to be approved. Then poor Mason 
was imprisoned on bread and water, \rith a ball and chain to 
each foot." 

*^ Did G^n. Davis approve wiie sentence t" 

" Yes, he approved it" 

^*But how did Mason escape being shot?" 

^^ Well, the next day, before the approved sentence arrived, 
came the battle of Mission Ridge, and our regiment was 
ordered forward. Mason, pf course, was in the rear, undei 
guard, with a ball chained to his ankles. We heard the Bebel 
cannon in front all the forenoon ; we knew there was a big 
battle on, and we needed all our men. &o I rode over to the 
guard-house and told Mason that we would have to leave him 
behind alone with his ball and chain on till the battle was 
over. 

^^ ^ Let me go with the boys, Colonel I ' pleaded Mason ; ^ 1 
don't want to see the boys in a fight without me.' 

'^ ^ But you might escape. Mason. You know there is a sen- 
tence hanging over you.' 

*' 'By heavens. Colonel ! you ain't going to let the boys go 
into this fight without me I ' and the tears came to his eyes. 

" * Got to. Mason,' I said. *I can't trust you.' 

" Then," continued the nairator, " the order came from Gen. 
Davis for our regiment to move up and charge a Bebel redoubt, 
and the boys dashed forward. It was an awful sight I Twice 
they enfiladed us, and the llebel bullets mowed down our men 
by dozens, while the Bebel flag still waved on the redoubt 



WIT AND HUMOR. 104 

'*• Colonel, you must capture that redoubt! ' was the order 
that came from Gen. J>'ivis. 

"Our men wore n(.^ badly tired out, and the dead and 
wounded lay all around us ; but I got our men togetlier, and 
made the final 'charge. Gods ! what a charge ! My horse was 
killed under me. The men went forward in a shower of bul- 
lets. I thought they were going straight for that i^ ; then 
all at once they wavered. The bullets flew like rain, and the 
advance men were all shot down. There was no one to lead, 
and I thought all was lost Just then I saw a man come rush* 
ing up from the rear. He grabbed a dead soldier^s repeating* 
rifle, pushed right tlirough the dead and dying, reached the 
head, and pushed up the redoubt. The boys saw him, took 
courage, and followed. In a moment I saw the brave fellow 
swing his rifle around him on the top of the redoubt, grasp the 
flag-staJBT and break it off, while the boys struggled up the side 
and emptied their guns into the retreating Rebels. 

*' The day was ours I As I came up I shouted : 

" *Who took the flag, boys? ' 

^^ ' It was Mason ! ' said the boys ; and, looking down, I saw 
a broken chain and a shackle still on his ankle. ^' 

Then the narrator^s voice choked him, and the tears came 
into his eyes. 

" *I couldn't help it, Colonel,' said Mason, * I couldn't see 
the boys fighting alone ; so I got the ax and pounded off the 
ball and chain, and now, Colonel, I'll go back and put 'em on 
again.' 

^^ ^ Go back and put them on again I ' I almost cried. ^ No, 
fir I Mason, I'll put them on myself first' Then," said the 
Colonel, ^'I reflected that this wasn't military, and I told the 
brave fellow to stay with two of the boys. 

"That night," continued the Colonel, " I wrote over to Gen. 
Davis about Mason's bravery ; how he captured the rebel flag 
and led the regiment to victory ; in fact, saved the battle ; and 
begged him if he hai^ not approved Mason's sentence of death. 



165 PATHOS. 

to send it back to the court unapproved. In an hour the 
messenger came back with the papers. The senteiu^e had been 
approved before the battle, bat Gen. Davis took his pen and 
wrote across the bottom : 

** 'The findings of the court disapproved, private Thomas 
Mason, for distinguished bravery in capturing a rebel flag, 
promoted to a second lieutenancy.' " 

'' What did Mason say when you told him about his promo- 
tion ? " I asked. 

'' Well,'' said the Oolonel, " I read him the death sentence, 
and its approval first Mason sank down, his face fell on his 
arm^ and I heard a deep groan. Then he said, as his eyes 
filled with tears: ^ 

" ' Well, Colonel, it is hard, but I can stand it if any one can. ' 

'' 'But here is another clause, Mason,' I said. 'On account 
of your splendid bravery yesterday, you have been promoted 
to a second lieutenancy.' 

" 'What me ? Oolonel, me ? ' 

" 'Yes, lieut Mason, you I ' 

" 'Thank GK>d !' burst out, and the bravest man in the 
Northern army stepped into his tent to send a streak of sun- 
light to cheer up his broken-hearted mother." 

' ' And that's the man who just lifted Whisky Bill into his 
wagon t' 

"Yes, sm that's the man, and he's brave enough to do any- 
thing, from pulling down a rebel flag to leading a drunker 
comrade out of a saloorf." 



WIT AHD mmosu lOG 

Ooagh's Brogglft Story. 

A ]ong, lean, gannt Yankee entered a drng-Btore and asked: 

" Be you the drugger ? '* 

"Well; I s'pose so; 1 sell drugs." 

" Wall, hev you got any of this here scentin' stuff as the 
gals put on their handke'cherst " 

"Oh, yes." 

" Wall, our Sal's gine to be married, and she gin me a nine- 
pence, and told me to invest the hull 'mount in scentin' siuif, 
bo's to make her sweet, if I could find some to suit; so. if 

' m 

youVe a mind I'll jest smell 'round." 

The Yankee smelled round without bein^^ suited until the 
"drugger" got tired of him; and taking down a bottle ot 
hartshorn, said: 

' " I've got a scentin' stuff that will suit you. A single drop 
on a hanke'cher will stay for weeks, and you can't wash it 
out; but to get the strength of it you must take a good big 
smell." 

"Is that so, Mister} Wall, just hold on a minute till I 
get my breath; and when I say neow you put it under my 
smeller. " 

The hartshorn of course knocked the Yankee down, as liquor 
has done many a man. Do you suppose he got up and smelt 
again, as the drunkard does? Not he; but roLing up his 
sleeves and doubling up his fists, he said: 

" Yon made me smell that tarnal everlastin' stufE, Mister, 
and now I'll make you smell fire and brinistojip.'' 

Beeohar and Moody on Children. 

" Henry Ward Beecher learned much from children," said 
Mr. Moody, " and so can we all. One day, a sweet little girl 
whose father had become quite worldly and given up family 
prayers, climbed into her father's lap and said, tearfully : — 

^ Papa, dear papa, is God dead ?' 

' No, my child ; why do you ask that?* 

^ 'Cause, papa, you never talk to him any more as you used 
to do.' 




" Ton made me smell Uiat tuntl ererlutln' ituflT, mlater, ftnil now I 'V. 
make yoii einell Ore tind brimstone. " (Scr pa^^ 1A<i^ 



THE WIT OF TRUTH 



How a BtaitUng Tm^ Will Produce Laughter. 

A boor- is a man who talks .so much about himself that you 
can't talk about yourself. 



Tba Wit of TmtlL 

mMOe n. Lmd<m, A.JL 

We alwigrs langh at great exaggerations, bat, strange to say 
we also sometimes langh at a great tmtL Truth is often 
Btranger than fiction.. A wonderfnlly true statement at first 
sounds like a big lie, then, as we reflect npon it, the idea dawns 
upon ns that it is a trutL This discovery produces laughter. 
This producing laughter with great truths has always been my 
great trouble. I have generally told such great, strange tniths, 
that the people would laugh because they thought they were 
lies. So I have got the reputation of being a worldly mi aded 
humorist, when, in fact, I am a great truth-teller. To illustrate: 
One night I was telling about the big trees in California. I 
said I rode into a tree, a big hollow tree, on horse-back, and 
then walked out at the knot-holes. The people laughed because 
they thought it was a lie, when, in fact, it was the truth. The 
trees are thirty-five feet in diameter, and the hole tlirough 
thorn Is twelve feet in diameter — ^as wide thi'ough as a Dam> 
dooR 

lliere was pure wit in this truthful reply of the Irishman : 
^^Pat,'' I said, ^^how would you like to be buried in a 
Protestant graveyard i ^ 
"^ Faith, Mr. Perkins, an' Pd die first;' 

107 




108 WIT AND HUMOR. 

The wit of the old Greek philosophers, Solon, Socrates and 
Aristippns, consisted in proving a big lie by tlie sophistry of a 
syllogism, or else in stating a startling truth. Many of the 
trQthfnl sayings of the wise men of Greece have been repro- 
duced by Josh Billings, and, clothed in the ignorant frame 
of bad speUing, the wisdom of them is doubly startling and 
laugh-provoking. To illustrate the old Greek wits, I have 
translated a little dialogue from iEschines : 

^^ How are educated men superior to uneducated men i '* 
was asked of Aristippus, the pupil of Socrates. 

^^ Just 9S broken horses are superior to those that are un 
broken, '* was the answei'. 

^^ Why is it better to be poor than ignorant t " continued the 
questioner. 

^' Because the poorest beggar can beg money and get It, bm 
the fool can b^ for brains and never get them,'' answered 
Aristippus. 

Hbw a Ghreek BoeAter was Sqaelehed by the Troth. 

In those days, the 99th Olympiad, when Dionysius was king, 
Athenian society was made up of two classes, the philosopher 
who followed Plato and Socrates, and the handsome athletes 
who were proud, not of their brains, but of their physical 
strength. 

One day Clinos, a very handsome athlete but a great boaster, 
met a group of philosophers and began boasting about his 
muscle; 

*^I tell you,'' said the boasting Oinos, '^ I can swim farthet 
than any man in Athens.'' 

*^ And so can a goose," said Aristippus. 

^^ Yes, and I can dive deeper than any man in Greece." 

"And so can a bull-frog," said Diogenes. 

" And more than that," continued Clinos, getting red in the 
face, *' I can kick higher than any man in Athens, and *' 



TUB WIT OF TRUTH. 169 

^^ And so can a jackass, ^^ mterrapted ^schines. 

^^ And more than all these, everybody says. that 1 am the 
handsomest man in Athens/' 

^^ And so is a brass statue — a hollow brass statue, and it 
has neither life nor brains, '^ said Aristippus : ./Skchinef? Joke^ 
troTislated ly MdmUeD. La/ndan A.M, {Eli Parhini^ 



ZoAk Btninffs* Witty WIfldom. 

The trouble with some people who bjrag of tlieir ancestiy is 
in their great descent 

I thank God for allowing fools to lire, that wise men may 
get a living out of them. 

If a fellow gets to going down hill, it seems as if everything 
were greased for the occasion. 

Wealth won't make a man virtuous, but that tnere idn't any 
body who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good. 

If you want to keep a mule in a pasture turn him into an 
adjacent meadow and he'll jump in. 

I've known a mule to be good for six months just to get a 
chance to kick somebody. 

Men should not boast so much ; a little hornet if he feels 
well can break up a whole camp meeting. 



/''The man who has a thousand fHeodl^ 
Has not a friend to spare ; 
Bat he who has one enemy,. 
W^ill meet him everywhere.** 



Burdette on the Iiile of Man 

- Man, born of woman, is of few days and no teeth. And 
indeed, it would be money in his pocket sometimes if he had 
ess of either. As for his days, he wasteth one-third of them, 

12 



17C «1T AND mtAok. 

and as for his teeth, he has oonviilsions when he cats m&akt 
and as the last .one comes through, lo, the dentist is twisting 
the first one out, and the last end of that man^s jaw is worse 
than the first, being fiill of porcelain and a roof-plate built to 
hold blackberry seeds. 

Stone bruises line his pathway to manhood ; hie^ father boxes 
his ears at home, the big boys cuff him in the playground, 
and the teacher whipe him in the schoolroom. He buyeth 
Northwestern at 110, when he hath sold short at 96, and his 
neighbor unloadeth upon him Iron Mountaia at 63f , and it 
straightway breaketh down to 53^. He riseth early and sitteth 
up late tliat he may fill his bams and storehouses, and lo t his 
childrenV lawyers divide the spoil among themselves and say 
^^ Ha, ha I " He growletb and is sore distressed because it 
raineth, ai.d he beateth upon his breast and sayeth^ ^^My crop 
is lost I '' because it rainetli not The late rains blight his 
wheat and the f ro^t biteth his peaches. If ic be so that the 
ran shiasth, even among the nineties, he sayeth, " Woe is me, 
for I perish," and if the northwest wind sigheth down in forty 
two below he crieth, " Would I were dead 1 " If he wear sack- 
cloth and blue jeans men say ^^ He is a tramp,^^ and if he 
goeth forth shaven and clad in purple and fine linen all the 
people cry, '' Shoot the dude I " 

He carryeth insurance for twenty-five years, until he hath 
paid thrice over for all his goods, and then he letteth his policy 
lapse one day, and that same night fire destroyeth his store. 
He buildeth him a house in Jersey, and his first bom is 
devoured by mosquitoes ; he pitcheth his tents in New York, 
and tramps devour his substance. He moveth to Kansas, and 
a cyclone carryeth his house away over into Missouri, while a 
prmrie fire and ten million acres of grasshoppers fight for his 
crop. He settieth himself in Kentucky, and is shot the next 
day by a gentleman, a Colonel and a statesman.^ ^^ because, sab, 
he resembles, sah, a man, sah, he did not like, sah/* Verily, 



tbe wit of noriB. 171 

there is no rest for the sole of liis foot and if he had it to do 
tjrer eLgain he would not be born at all, for "the day of death 
19 better than the day of one's birth. " 

• * 
Mirth is natural ; it is pore ; it is strictly honest There can 
be no true ripple of laughter at another's expense. The prac- 
tical joker is vnlgar and mean-souled. His jest is hollow, and 
only echoes the pain of sorrow of liis victim. Vast, indeed, is 
tlie difference between low, coarse ribaldry and the sparUing, 
genuine cadences of homan glee. 

A deigyman told an Indian he should love hi^ enemies. 
^^I do,'' said the latter, ^^for I love mm and whisk}' ano 
tobaooo,'^ 



Ttath Stranger than Flotloa 

The New York newspapers actaally gave an account of a 
man attending his own fxmeraL It was a true account too, 

Pat Burke was in a smash-up on the New York Central, and 
wafl supposed to be killed His wife even recognized his 
A*cmains among the killed. The ren^ains were brought home 
and a wake was had. Then Mrs. Burke accompanied by the 
fnneral cortege and the corpse started for the grave yard, 
^fter the procession had left the house, Pat appeared. 

** Where's me wife i " said Pat, " spake quickly I " 

** She's gone to yer funeral, sure." 
' ^^ Moy funeral ? Bedad, an' oi'm not dead yet ! " 

**Not deadt Sure now, Pat, yer foolin' 1 " 

**Foelin't What do you mane, woman! An't oi here 
now!" 

** Arrah, Pat, jewel I you know yer dead. Sure ^nd wasr'* 
I at yer wake meself ! " 

'* Then where's me corpse?'' 



172 WIT AN!) HUMOR. 

*' Gone to the burying, amock, an' yer poor wife is witk it 

wapin' her eyes out." 

'* Begorra, she'd better be wapin' her eyes out over me dead 
corpse, than be batin' the life out of me live oorpae wid a 
broomstick 1 '' said Fat, as he lighted his pipe. 

1 

The Two Vlrtnafl.— A Fable and a Poem. 

Ivan Tmtrgtn^. 

One day it occurred to the good God to give a party in his 
palace of azura All tiie virtues were invited, but the virtues 
only, and, in consequence, there were no gentlemen among 
the guests. 

Very many virtues, both great and little, accepted the invi- 
tation. The little virtues proved to be more agreeable and 
more courteous than the great ones. However, they a!l 
seemed thoroughly happy, and conversed pleasantly with 'me 
anotlier, as people who are well acquainted, and indeed & me- 
what related, ought to do. 

But suddenly the good God noticed two fair ladies who 
appeared not to know each other. So he took one of the 
Ladies by the hand and led her toward the other. 

^^ Benevolence,^ said he« indicating the first, ^^ Gratitude,'^ 
turning to the other. 

Tlie two virtues were unntteraDiy astonished. For since the 
world began, and that was a great while ago, they had never 
met before. 



The Tmth AH AxooimI 

AQ W 
HKB VSB8IOM. 

^WhoisKed?" Why, I thought that you knew 

We once were engaged for a year I 
Oh, but that was before I knew you — 

That was ages ago, my dear. 
*• Over cordial ! " Now Hubby for shame ! 

Snoh nonsense! Yes, that was his wife— 



EHS WrX OF TBUTB. IT,' 

Domiue Hide thing — and ao tame— 

Men do make sadi blondere in Ui^ 
Ned was sach a good-hearted fellow — 

" Devoted I " of course he was then I 
Oh, yon need not frown and turn yellow, 

I oould have had a dozen men. 
One thuig I will pay, however^ 

He's unhappy, QusX I can see \ 
Boor fellow I he probably never 

Quite conquered his passion for me. 
**Too poor 1 " yes, but proud as a lord — 

When you came — Well, you know the rest 
Hear, yon said you wonldtake me abroad , 

Tes^ of coniae, I loved you the hedi 

Bn VKBUOH. 

Ned, who Is that overdiened lady 

You greeted so warmly today ? 
What is it you're keeping so shady? 

What is 9^ to you, anyway ? 
"That ^ady ? " — the wife of a banker 

(Thought her toilet remarkably fine) *, 
Sy the way, yon ought to thank her, 

She was once an old flame of mine. 
C offered my " congratulation," 

Nothing more — to tell y cu the troth 
Our aflair — mere infatuation, 

In the days of my callow youth. 
^Was she/cmd of me? " Wsll^ she said so; 

" Did I loftoe her ? " Wo spooned for a year, 
^ Why didn't we marry t " Why, ycu know 

I met *i<JUy and loved ytu, my dear. 
3f oourse^ we ill knew thar \<3 bn;.::l;t her- 

Yoxitb and beauty ex;:.ian?jred -ct ; ''l:'' 
Wbat? * li yon weren't a ritrh man's daughtei 

My deurf 1 loved you, for yoursetf: 

THX TBUTH ABOUT IT. 

*Twii8 the old, old htory rep*»ated; 

Two yonng htatt^ that beat r^ out ; 
Their twin fi^piratir.ns d^'feiited; 



174 WIT AHD HUICOS. 



/ 



Two young IiY68 fbrever nndanei 
ToathixikBO? You're sadly mistaken! 

They each had a — something to selL 
Each fimcies the other fbrsakeny 

And both, yesi th^ &X& "* Married Wen !* 

Unole Oonaider'g Trathftd Remarks. 

One day I asked Uncle Consider what he thonght of a miser. 

Said he : ^^Ell, a otingy man is to be pitied. He is simply 
a policeman to guard his own money. He lives poor to die 
rich, and dines off of crackeiB and cheese to give sweetbreads 
and champagne to his heirs. He eerves his master Avarice to 
lose his own soal, better than yon Christiaus serve God to save 
it He worships Manmioii and wears ont his knees bowing to 
the God of this world and refnses to take a decent suit of 
clothes or an opera-ticket for his trouble. '^ 

In selecting yonr companiona, Eli, continued my IJncle^ it 
is better to associate with nice people. If yon know nice peo- 
ple is easy enougli to descend in the scale. If you begin with 
the lowest you canH ascend. In the grand theater of human 
life — a box ticket takes you thrmigh tfie Jumse. 

When 1 asked my Unde, one day, what became of hypo« 
crites, he said : 

Why hypocrites go to Hell by the road to Heaven. They 
run eveiy toll-gate on the Heavenly road but the last one — and 
there Death is the gate-keeper, and he demands their souU to 
pay ior the stolen tolb. 

When I asked him what eventually becaoie of all tlie thor^ 
oughly wicked and depraved, he thought a moment, and said : 

'^They all practice law a little wiiile and then they even^ 
toally go to the legislature." 

True Sairinav. 

A mother down east was so kind that she gave her chfld 
chlorofonn before she whipoed it 



THE WIT OF TRUTH. 17^1 



Wee speech is the brain of the Bepublia 



* 



No bird is actuallj on the wing. Wings ore on the bird 



• # 

* 



A blow irom a parent leaves a scar on the sonl of the child. 



# • 



Whiskey is the son of villainies, the father of all crimes, the 
mother of all abominations, the devil's best firiend, and God's 
worst enemy. 






I know a yoong man who attends chorch regularly, and 
clasps his hands so tight during prayer time, that he can't get 
them open when the contribution box comes around 



Lausrhter* 

Laughter has often dissipated disease and preserved life by 
a sudden effort of nature. We are told that the great Erasmus 
laughed so heartily at a satirical remark that he broke a tumor 
and recovered his health. In a singular treatise on laughter, 
Joubert ^ves two similar instances. A patient being very low, 
the physician, who had ordered a dose of rhubarb, counter- 
manded the medicine, which was left on the table. A monkey 
in the room, jumping up, discovered the goblet, and, having 
tasted, made a terrible grimace. Again, putting only ids 
tongue to it, he perceived some sweetness of the dissolved 
manna, while the rhubarb had sunk to the bottom. Thus 
emboldened, he swallowed the whole, but found it such a 
nauseous poison that, after many 8ti*ange and fantastic gri- 
maces, he grinded his teeth in agony, and in a violent fury 
threw the goblet on tlie floor. The whole aflair was so ludi- 
crous that the sick man burst into repeated peals of laughter, 
and the recovery of cheerfulness led to health. 



176 -WIT AND HUMOR. 

J6bxi Brouffham on Gamblixisr. 

I am not about to defend gambling, bnt to prove that all thi 
world are gamblers. 

The most reckless gambler of all is the legislator, who spec 
niates on hnman intereet, and often stakes national prosperity 
a^nst some petty interest. 

Life itself is a game of chance. Tlie very axiom, " Nothing 
is certain," disproves even the certainty of nothing being cer- 
tain. The very machinery of the firmament is a sublime 
game of billiards, in which the stars are the balls, and the 
cues the centrifdgal and centripetal forces. 

Every dinner is a game of chance — it may choke yon on 
the spot, or else yon may never live to digest it What mat- 
ters it if a man be killed by an active mad boll or a bit of 
passive beef! 

But gambling reaches its climax in marriage. Rouge et 
noir is never so dangerous as when they represent the cheeks 
and eyes of beauty. Marriage* is dipping in the lucky bag in 
which, out of a hcndred, ninety-nine are snakes to one eel. 

Even agriculture is gambling ; it is risking one potato in 
cnat great faro bank (the earth) to gain a bushel. Grains of 
wheat are dice, and the farmer who reaps a good harvest is an 
enormous gambler. 

Commerce comes unaer the same penalty — every mercantile 
firm is illegal, whether it gains or loses. 

Even the drama is a gambler. What manager can be snre 
that his new tragedy may not be a broad farce, and kill half 
the audience with laughter ) 

On Whipping OhUdren. 

If there is one of you here, said Col. Ingersoll, who ever ex- 
pect to whip your child again, let me ask you something. 
Have your photograph taken at the time, and let it show yoor 



THE WIT OF TRUTH. ' ' 177 

• 

face red with vulgar anger, and the face of the little one with 
eyes swimming in tears. If that little child should die, I can- 
not think of a sweeter way to spend an autumn atlemoon tiian 
to take that photograph and go to the cemetery, where tiie 
maples are dad in tender gold, and when little scarlet runners 
are coming, like poems of regret, from the sad heart of the 
earth ; and sit down upon that mound, I look upon that 
photograph, and think of the flesh, made dust, that you beat 
Just think of it I could not bear to die in the anna of a 
child that I had whipped. I could not bear to feel upon my 
Hps, when they are withering beneath the touch of deatii^ the 
kiss of one that I had strucL 



Stanley Huntley'a Story of AflSdotlon. 

Husband (traveling). — Scene I — Boom in hotel. Spittoon 
full of cigar stumps. Bourbon whisky. All hands equipped 
for a night's spree. Husband in a hurry to be oiF, writing 
borne: 

Deabbst Svsns : My time is so occupied with business that 
I can hardly spare a moment to write to you. Oh I darling, 
how I miss you I and the only thing that sustains me during 
my absence is the thought that every moment thus spent is for 
the benefit of my dear wife and children. Take goixi care of 
yourself, my dear. Feed the baby on one cow's milk. Ex- 
cuse haste, etc 

Wife (at home). — Scene II — Parlor. All the gas lit. Tln^ 
teen grass-widows ; Fred, from around the comer, with his 
violin ; Jim from across the way, with his banjo ; Jack, from 
above, with his guitar ; Sam, from below, with his flute ; lots 
of other fellows, with their instruments. Dancing and sing- 
ing ; sideboard covered with nuts, fruits, cake, cream, \rine^ 
whisky, etc. Wife, in a hurry to dance, writing to her hus- 
band : 

Dbab Hubbt : Bow lonesome I feel in your absence I The 



Its vnr AHD BumosL 

hours pass tedionslj. Nobody cslUb ou me, acd I am oon- 

stantly thinking of the time when yoa will be home, and yom- 
cheerfiil oonntenance light up the routine of every-day life. 
My household duties keep me constantly employed. I am liv- 
ing as'economical as possible, knowing that your small income 
will not admit of frivolous expense. But now, dear, I will say 
good-by, or I will be too late for the monthly concert of 
prayer. In haste, yours, etc 

Ood Made OS to LttOiAk* 

« 

Ood nude us to laugh as well as to cry. 

The laugh of a child will make the holiest day more sacred 
stilL Strike with hand of fire. O, weird musician, thy harp 
strung with Apollo's golden hair ! Fill the vast cathedral aisles 
with symphonies sweet and dim, deft' teacher of the organ 
keys ! Blow, bugler, blow until thy silver notes do touch and 
kiss the moonlit waves, charming the wandering* lovers on 
the vine-clad hills ; but know your sweetest strains are dis- 
cords, all compared with childhood's happy laugh — ^the laugh 
that fills the eyes with light, and dimples every cheek with 
joy. Oh, rippling river of laughter, thou art the blessed 
boundary line between the beast and man, and every wayward 
wave of time doth drown some fretful fiend of care. 



•" . ...... a. 



WIT OF EXAGGERATION 

^onderftil Storiee and Awftil Bzafffferations. 

MOviOe D, LamUm, AM, 

Much of onr wit is made up of pure Baron-Munchausen 
exaggeration. The story teller exaggerates, the actor exag- 
gerates, the writer exaggerates and the witty artist exaggerates. 

Gil Bias, Gulliver^s Travels, Don Quixote and the Tale of a 
Tub are instances of pure imagination, pure fancy, pure 
exaggeration. Tliere is no special genius displayed in report- 
ing a scene close to life. Dickens only becomes great when he 
lets his imagination play in thp speech of Buzfuz. Herein 
differs the wit from the humorist, as will be seen in other 
chapters of this book. The liumorist is a faithful photographer. 
He tells just what lie hears and sees, while the wit lets his 
imagination and fancy play. I believe the wit is as far beyond 
the humorist as the ideal picture is beyond the humdrum 
portrait A witty sketch is as much beyond a humorous 
sketch as Baffaelle's ideal Sistine Madonna is beyond Rubens' 
actual portrait of his fat wife. One is ideal, the other is reaL 
Any patient toiler can write humor, while it is only the man 
with brain and imagination who can write wit 

Many of the exaggerated stories in this chapter are instances 
of pure wit, pnre fancy and imagination. 

Baron Munchausen's Best Stories 

Baron^ Munchausen told in all two hundred large storiea 
His two best are his wolf and church stories. 

^^ Speaking of wolves," said the Baron, '*Iwill tell you 
how I managed these savage beasts in Russia. One day I was 

17» 



180 WIT AND HDVOB. 

walking along utterly defenseless, without gun or pistol, when 
a fiightfttl wolf rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close, 
that I could do nothing but follow mechanical instinct, and 
thrust my hst into liis open mouth. For safety's sake I 
pushed on and on, till my arm was fairly in up to the shoulder. 
How should I disengage myself? I was not much pleased 
with my awkward situation — witli a wolf face to face, oui 
ogling was not of the most pleasant kind. If 1 withdrew my 
arm, then the animal would fly tlie more furiously upon me ; 
that I saw in his flaming eyes. What do jou think I did ! 
Why I reached my arm through the wolf, laid hold of his tail, 
turned him inside out like a glove, and flung him to the 
ground, where I left hinu 

"At another time," continued the Baron, **when I was 
riding along in a sledge, in the midst of a dreary Russian 
forest I spied a terrible wolf making after me, with all the 
speed of ravenous winter hunger. He socn overtook me. 
There was no possibility of escape. What do you think J 
did? Why, I just laid myself down flat in the sledge, and let 
my horse fly. But soon the ^olf caught up, and leaping straight 
over me, caught the horse in th6 rear and began instantly to 
tear and devour the hind part of the poor animal, which ran the 
(aster for his pain and terror. Tims unnoticed and safe my- 
self, I lifted my bead slyly up, and with horror I beheld that 
the wolf had ate his way into the horse's body ; it was not 
long before he had fairly forced himself into it, when I took 
my advantage, and fell upon him with the butt end of my 
whip. This unexpected attack in his rear frightened him so 
much, that he leaped forward with all his might : the horse's 
(*arcase dropped to the ground, but in his place the wolf was 
in the harness, and I drove that wolf straight into St Peters- 
buighP 



WXr OF BZAiGOJEBAmi. 181 

SylvantiB Cobb, Jr., on Long; Range Shooting. 

Nat. Willey did not lite to give up beat when it came to 
yam» of shooting ; fur Nat.,, in his youth and early manhood, 
had been somewhat noted as a sportsman, both with the gun 
and the fishing-rod. Born and reared in the shadows of the 
Wliite Mountains; nearty related to the unfortunate family 
whose monument in the " Willy Notch " is the work of thou- 
sands of sympathizers — he had lived in the time when game 
was plenty, both in wood and water. ' 

On a certain autunmal evening Nat sat in the spacious bar- 
room of the Conway House, where a goodly company were 
gathered around a great open fire of blazing logs, when the 
conversation turned upon rifle shooting as compared with the. 
shot-gun ; and those who advocated the rifle based their claims 
tor superiority partly on its longer range. And this led t 
stories of long ranged/ and the distances to which one or two 
of those present had fired a rifle ball, with killing effect, was 
wonderful. Nat. had listc^ned, but had said nothing of his 
own prowess. One man, from Virginia, told several marvel- 
lous stories, one of which was to the effect that his father, who 
had been one of the pioneers into Kentucky, had once owned 
a rifle with which he had killed a deer at the distance of two 
miles I 
'^*' I know it seem? almost incredible," he said, in conclusion , 
"but the ground was measured by a practiced surveyor, and 
fiiat was the sworn result." 

A brief silence followed this, which was broken by Charley 
Head, who said to Old Nat : 

** ly)ok here. Uncle Nat, how about that rifle that General 
Sam. Knox gave to you? If I don't forget, that could sb(H)( 
some." 

^'You mean the one that I had to fire salted balls from 
eh?" 

^*Yes. Th!1 us about it." 



IS^ Wit ahd umion. 

§ 

^^ Pshaw * It don^t matter. Let the old piece rest in ite 
glory.'- 

And the old resident would have sat Dack out of the way, 
but the story-tellers had become suddenly interested. 

^^ Let us hear about it,'' pleaded the gentleman whose father 
had been a compatriot with Daniel Boone. ''^ Did I nnder^ 
stand you that yon salted your bullets } " 

^^ Always,'' said Nat, seriously and emphatically. 

" And wherefore, pray ? " 

^'Because," answered the old mountaineer, with simple 
honesty in look and tone, ^^that rifle killed at such a distance 
that, otJierwise, especially in warm weather, game woul4 spoil 
foiih age before 1 could reach U.^ 

Bnrdeitte on the lOlflBOorl BJtver. 

The dust blows out of the Missouri River. It is the omy 
river in the world where the dust blows in ^*eat columns oat 
of the river bed. The catfish come up to the surface to sneeze. 
From the great wide-stretching sandbars on the Kansas shore 
great columns of dust and sand, about two thousand feet high, 
come whirling and sweeping across the river and hide the 
town, and sweep through the train and make everytliing so 
dry and gritty that a man can light a match on the roof of his 
mouth. The Missouri River is composed of six parts of sand 
and mud and four parts of water When the wind blows very 
hard it dries the surface of the river and blows it away in 
clouds of dust. It is just dreadful. The natural color of the 
river is seai-brown, but when it rains for two or three days at a 
time, and gets the river pretty wet, it changes to a heavy iron 
gray. A long rain will make the river so thin it can easily be 
poured from one vessel into another, like a cocktail. When it 
is ordinarily dry, however, it has to be stirred with a stick 
belore. you can pour it out of anything. It has a current of 
about twentv-nine miles an hour, and perhaps the Iai|;esl 



WIT OF BZAGOESATtON. IdS 

v'lcreage of sandbars to the square inch that was ever planted. 
' Steamboats run down the Missouri River. So do newspaper 
correspondents. But if the river is not fair to look upon, there 
is some of the grandest countrv on either side of it the sun 
ever shone upon. How such a river came to run through such 
a paradise is more than I can understand. 



GeoTffe WaahhigtoxL 

One day, in a fit of abstraction, the juvenile George cut 
iown Bushrod's favorite cherry tree with a hatchet His pur- 
pose was to cut — and run. 

But the old gentlBman came sailing round the comer of the 
bam just as the future Father of his Country had started on 
the retreat. 

"Look here, sonny," thundered the stem old Virginian, 
'* who cut that tree down ? " 

George reflected a moment There wasn't another boy or 
another hatchet within fifteen miles. Besides, it occurred to 
him that to be virtuous is to be happy. Just as Washington 
senior turned to go in and get his horsewhip, our little hero 
burst into tears, and, nestling among his father's coat-tails, 
exclaimed, " Father, I cannot tell a lie. It must have been, a 
frost!" 

mi Perldzis on Potato Bugs. 

Oncle Hank Allen was perhaps the smoothest and most ac- 
complished liar in central New York. There were other ordi- 
nary country postofiice liars in the beautiful village of Eaton, 
New York, where I was bom, but Uncle Hank could lie like a 
gifted metropolitan. Every night Uncle Hank's grocery was 
filled with listening citizens, all paying the strictest attention 
whenever the good old man spoke. When Charley Campbell 
or John Whitney lied nobody paid much attention because they 



184 wrr and htthor 

were clumsy workmen. Their lies would not hold watet like 
Uncle Hank's. Why the old man's lies were so smootK so 
artistic, that, while listening to them, you imagined you were 
!i8teni)ig to Elder Cleveland's bible stories. 

One day they were talking about potato bugs in Uncle 
Hank's grocery : 

''Talk about potato bugs," said Dr. Purdy, '' why up in my 
garden there are twenty bugs on a stalk." 

''Twenty bugs on a stalk! only twenty!'' mused Charley 
Campbell contemptuously ; " why they ate up my first crop of 
potatoes two weeks ago, and they are now sitting all around 
the lot on trees and fences waiting for me to plant them over 
again." 

"Why you don't know anything about the ravenous nature 
of them potater bugs ! " exclaimed old Hank. " You may 
call me a liar, but I've had potater bugs walk nght into my 
kitchen and yank red-hot potAters right out of the oven ! 
' Waiting around a potato patch for the second crop ! ' ex- 
claimed old Hank with a sneer. "'Waiting?' Why gosh 
blast your souls, I was up to Townsend's store yesterday and I 
saw potater bugs up there looking over Townsend's books tc 
see who had bought seed Dotater for next year. I did, by 
Gum!" 

The whole grocery was still when Uncle Hank finished. 
You could have heard a pin drop. Finally a long, lean man 
from Woodman's Pond raised himself up. The stranger, 
evidently a' new comer and not acquainted witli Mr. Allen, 
pointed his long finger at Uncle Hank, and exclaimec vith a 
hiss: 

"You are a liar I" ' 

Uncle Hank looked over his glasses at the stranger long and 
earnestly. Then holding out his hand he inquired with a 
puzzled, look : 

" Where did you get acquainted with me t " 




"Ton are a liai 1" (See page 184.) 



XtO WIT OF BXAGGERATIOiN. 



How the Yankee Amaaed Them. 

A Yankee in Paris, who was listening to the boasts of a lot 
of English and French artists about the wonderfiil genius of 
their respective countrymen, at length bmke out, saying: 
" Oh, pshaw 1 Why we have an artist in Boston who can paint 
a piece of cork so exactly like marble that the minute you 
throw it into the water it will sink to the bottom just like a 
stone/* 

'' How won-deerftl ! '* exclaimed the Frenchman. 

'*0 not very wonderM. We have more wonderful things 
than that over there," said the Yankee. 

''Tell us about some of ze won-deer-fiil things ! " said the 
Frenchman. 

''Well; one day, gentlemen, I was crossing the Rocky 
mountains, when I found a petrified forest. The trees were 
turned into solid stone. As I loitered on the edge a deer 
started across the valley and was transformed in a moment into 
solid stone. A bird flew past me, and, perching on a tree, 
began to sing. Suddenly the bird was changed to stone. The 
song she was singing was also petrified, hanging down from 
the beak of the bird — cold, cold stone." 

" Won-deer-flil ! " exqlaimed the Frenchman. 

"But I have seen more wonderftd things in England than 
ibat," said the Englishman. 

"What?" asked the Yankee. 

" Why I saw a man swim from Liverpool dear to Qneena 
town." 

"Swim!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "You see him 
swim ? " 

" Yes, sir ; I saw him. The man swam right alongside my 
boat. Sometimes he would swim ahead of the boat Then a 
storm would come up and the boat would catch up with him. 
But we came into Queenstown harbor side by side." 



WIT AMD HUlfOB. IM 

^^ Would you kuow that man if yon should see him ? " asked 

the Yankee. 

^^ Yes, I think I should. He was about your size/' 
*^Well,'' said the Yankee standing up^ ^^I am that very 

man. Fm awful glad you saw me do it, for a good many 

people in England will doubt the story, and 1 want to use JM 

as a witness.'* 

Abnar on "Woiidarfal Shootingi 

They had been talking about tlie remarkable performanoes 
of Dr. Carver, the marksman, who shoots with a rifle, glass 
balls, which are sent into the air as iast as a man can throw 
them. Presently, Abner Byng, who was sitting by, said : 

"That's nothing." 

"What is nothing ?'» 

" Why, that shooting. Did you ever know Tom Potter I '^ 

"No." 

*^ Well, Potter was the best hand with a rifle I ever saw ; 
beat this man Carter all hollow. T\\ tell you what I've seen 
Potter do. You know, may be, along there in the cherry 
season^ Mrs. Potter would want to preserve some cherries , 
so Tom *d pick 'em for her, and how do you think he'd stone 
'em ? " 

''I don't know. How?" 

*'Why, he'd flll his gun with bird shot^ and get a boy to 
drop half a bushel Oi cherries at one time from the roo^ of the 
bouse. Ab they came down, he^d fire, and take the stone 
clean out of every cheriy in the lot ! It's a positive fact iie 
might' occasionally miss one cherry, may bo, but not often 
But he did bi^er slio^ting than that when he wanted to.'^ 

*< What did he do ? " 

"Why, Jim Miller- did you know him ? No i Wull, Tom 
made a bet once with Jim that he could shoot the buttons oU 



i^7 WIT OF BZAGGEBATION. 

«f his own ooat taQ, by aiming in the opposite direction, and 
Jim Miller took him up.'' 

"Did he do it?'' 

"Do it ? He fixed himself in position, and aimed at a tree 
!n front of him. The ball hit the tree, carromed, hit the cor- 
ner of a honse, carromed, struck a lamp post, carromed, and 
flew behind Tom, and nipped the button off as slick as a whistla 
Yon bet he did it.'' 

" That was fine shooting. " 

"Yes, bnt I've seen Tom Potter beat it Pve seen him 
stand nnder a flock of wild pigeons, billions of them coming 
like the wind, and kill 'em so fast that the front of the flock 
never passed a given line, but turned over and fell down, so 
that it looked like a kind of a brown and feathery Niagara. 
Tom did it by having twenty-three breech-loading rifles and a 
boy to load 'em. He always shot with that kind." 

" You say yon saw him do this sort of shooting ? " 

"Yes, sir; and better than that, too. Why, I'll teU yon 
what I've seen Tom Potter do. I saw him once set up an 
Indi>>> rubber taiget at three hundred feet, and hit the bull's eye 
twenty-seven times a minute with the same ball ! He would 
hit the target, the ball would bounce back right into the r^e- 
barrel just as Tom had clapped in afresh charge of powder, 
and so he kept her a-going backward and foi*ward, backward 
and forward, until at last he happened to move his gun, and 
the bullet missed the muzzle of the barrel. It was the biggest 
thing I ever saw ; the very biggest — except one." 

" What was that ? " 

** Why, one day I was out with him when he was practidng, 
and it came on to rain. . Tom didn't want to get wet, and we 
had no umbrella, and what do you think he did ? " 

"Whatl" 

** Now what do you think that man did to keep dry ? '^ 

"I can't imagine." 

" Well, sir, he got me to load his weapons for him, and ] 



WIT AND HimOiL 



188 



pledge you my word, although it began to rain hard, he hit 
every drop that came down, so that tiie gn)und for about eight 
feet around ue was as dry as punk. It was beautiful, sir ; 
beautiful ! "" 

And then the company rose up slowly and passed out, one 
by one, each man eyeing Abner, and looking solemn as he 
went by ; and when they had gone, Abner looked queerly for 
a moment, and said to me : 

^'There's nothing I hate so much as a liar. Give me a man 
who is the Mend of the solid truth, and FU tie to him." 

OriBweIl'8 Wonderfta Olook. 

Mr. R. W. Criswell contributes to this work some of his 
beet things, among them one of his Grandfather Lickshingle 
stories: 

^^Speakrn' of the time o' day," remarked Grandfather Tick- 
shingle, when the hired girl thrust her head in the room and 
asked what she should get for dinner, '^ speakin' of the time 
o' day, reminds me of a dock I had when I first went to house- 
'keeping." 

*' How did it differ fipom other clocks ? " 

"Very materially, sir, as you will ascertain by findin' out 
It wnzn't none of yer French clocks, made in Amsterdam by 
a native of Switzerland. Made it myself from designs of my 
own designatin\ It 'ud run thirty-eight days without whip or 
spur Wasn^t what youM call a handsome clock, as in them 
days we looked more to utihty than movement Built this 
clock for service." 

'^ It was a success, no doubt" 

'* Pr'aps so, pYaps no. That's not for your grandfather to 
to say. I'll tell you about it an' you can bring in a verdict in 
accordance with Uie evidence adduced, an' for such you shall 
answer at the great day. I made this clock outen the machin- 
eiy of a couple at old telephones, a type-eettin' machine an' a 



j^9 WIT OF SXAGGBBATIOH. 

jigHBaw, together with some cog-wheels and dafiinnjs that I 
keiD across in the scrap pile back of the brass fonndeiy. 
Worked on it night an* day for seventeen years, an' when al 
last I brought it to completion th'' press an* pulpit arose as 
the voice of one man an' pronounced it the most victoriooa 
triumph of the century." 

** What was there peculiar about your clock t ^ 

^' The most peculiar thing about it was its singularity. As 
T said, I had built it entirely with a vi^w to its utility in a new 
household, an' had combined the machinery to that end. In 
the first place, that clock 'ud set on the mantel and rode tlie 
cradle." 

*' How was that?" 

^' Well, I had wires radiatin' out from the fly-wheeL These 
we attached to the cradle." 

^^ But at that time you had no occasion for a dock that would 
rock the cradle. That is to say — " 

'^ Nobody said I had, did they ? But while I wuz about it 
I tiiought 1 might as well fix it that way. The neighbors used 
to bring in their children an' have 'em rocked just to see how 
it worked. It 'ud rock as many cradles as there was wiref 
attached, an' sometimes we had as many as twenty-five babies 
in our care at one time. It wuz a curious sight to see the 
twenty-five or thirty cradles, each one oontainin' a baby an' 
some of 'em twins, all goin' at once. One day a stranger kem 
in our house to sell us some lightning-rods. That day there 
was forty cradles goin'. The man was astonished. He looked 
at the sleepin' infants, then at my wife, then at your grand- 
father, and said : 

" ' My Christian fiien', I am of the opinion that the best 
thing that kin happen to you is a seven-pronged streak of light 
nin', an' I will retire without showin' my samples,' an' he diil 

'' There wuz another thing about that clock. You could set 
it so it 'ud kindle the fire at any hour in the momin'," 

" Is it possible f •* 



WW AJSm HU1IO& ^^< 

"Yes ; an' it 'nd put on the teakettle, pull the hired girl out 
of bed, an' spank the baby — if you had one to spank ; an' as 
long as wc kept that time-piece we never had less than from 
twenty-five to thirty.'* 

" Quite wonderful, indeed 1 ^ 

"Thatwuzn't all it'ud do by a long shot It 'ud catch 
more rats than a Scotch terrier." 

"Catch rats?" 

" Catch 'em quicker'n you can think ; didn't run after 'em, 
like a fool dog or cat Wind up what we call the * rat-catcher' 
an' it 'ud emit a peculiar sound, like the weepin' of a young 
rat The old 'uns 'ud come to the rescue, an' it 'ud be the 
most sorrowful rescue you ever read about. A couple of steel 
daws 'ud shoot out of the recesses of that time-piece, an' rats 
an' mice 'ud fall in a common grave, heaped an' pent, as the 
poet says, in one red burial blent" 

*' Marvelous ! marvelous ! " 

"More 'an that This clock 'ad pick up chips, blow the 
dinner-horn, call the dog, register the rise and fall of the tide, 
give quotations from the stock exchanges — " 

" You don't say so ! " 

" Help a man on with his overcoat — " 

"What!" 

"Beach out his hands an' assist you with your ulster jes' a& 
natural as life." 

" Was it a good time-keeper ? " 

*' Keep time like a singin' master. Don't make clocks like 
that nowadays. Your grandfather's clock — " 

But grandfather had fallen iast asleep, perhaps before ha]f 
was told. 

The Tnil^dfta Pilot 

The passenger who wat going down the Mississippi river for 
the iii'st time in his life, secured permission to climb up beside 
the pilots a grim old grayback, who never told a lie in his life. 



91 WIT OF BXAGGBaU^nON* 

' '^ ^M^ny alligators in the river ? '^ inquired tne stranger, aftei 
a look around. 

^' >ii(/t so many now, since tliey got to shootin' 'em for their 
hides and taller, '^ was the reply. 

"Used to be lots, eh?'' 

^^I don't want to tell yon about 'em, strangei,'^ replied the 
pilot, sighing heavily. 

"Why!" 

" 'Cause you'd think I was a lying to you, and thatls sumthin' 
I never do. I kin cheat at kards, drink whiskey or chaw poor 
terbacker, but I can't lie." 

"Then there used to be lots of 'em," inquired the passenger. 

"I'm most afraid to tell ye, mister, but I've counted 'leven 
hundred allygi^ters to the mile from Yicksburg clear down to 
Orleans I That was years ago, before a shot was ever fired at 
'em," 

" Well, I don't doubt it," replied the stranger. 

"And I've counted 3,459 of 'em on one sandbar 1" con- 

tinned the pilot "It looks big to tell, but a government 

surveyor was aboard, and he checked 'em off as I called out" 

^ I haven't the least doubt of it," said the passenger as he 

he& ved a sigh, 

"I'm glad o' that, stranger. Some fellows would think I 
was a liar, when Fm telling the solemn truth. This used to 
be a pai'adise for alligators, and they were so thick that tlie 
wheels of the boat killed an average of forty-nine to the mile I " 

"Is that so?" 

"True as a Oospel, mister ; I used to almost feel sorry for 
the cussed brutes, 'cause they'd cry out e'enamost like a human 
being. We killed lots of 'em, as I said, and we hurt a pile 
more. I sailed with ono captain who alius carried 1,000 bot- 
tles of liniment to throw over to the wounded ones I " 

"He did I" 

"True as you Uve, he did. I don't 'spect Pll ever see an* 
other such a Christian mau^ And the alligators got to know 



^IT AND HUMOR. 192 

the Nancy Jane, and to know Captain Tom, and they'd swim 
and rab tiieir tails against the boat, and pnr like cats, and look 
ap and try to smile ! ^ 

"They wonldl'* 

^^ Solemn truth, stranger. And onoe, when we groimded on 
a bar, witli an opposition boat right behind, the alligators gaib> 
ered around, got mider the stem and humped her dean over 
the bar by a grand push* It looks like a big stoiy, bnt I never 
told a lie yet, and never shalL I wouldn^t Ue for all die monqr 
you could put aboard this boat.'' 

There was a painfbl pauses and after a whfle the pQot oon* 
tinned: 

*^ Our injines gin out cmoe, and a crowd of allygaters took a 
tow line and hauled us forty five miles np stream to Yicksbnig.'' 

"They did I'' 

" And when the news got along the river that Oaptaim Tom 
was dead every allygater in the river daubed his lefc ear with 
black mud as a badge of monmin', and lots of 'em pined away 
and died." 

The passenger left the pilot house with the remark that he 
ilidn^t doubt the statement, bnt the old man gave the wheel a 
lum and replied : • 

^ ' There's one thing I wont do for love nor money, and that's 
make a liar out of myself. J was brung up by a good mother, 
and I'm going to stick to the tmib if this boat doesn't make a 
cent" 

How "^CHkl Bin l^alkied to the Qoaker IndSan CtommlMloiMr, 

^^ Gk> on with thy account of the thunder shower," said the 
Quaker clergyman, 

^'Well, as I was telling you," said W9d Bill, placing 
his pistol in his pocket and looking^ the Quaker Indian Com- 
missioner straight in the fSEu^e like a trutliful man, *^ I say as 
I was telling you, I seen clouds making to north'ard, and I 



y 



198 WIT OF EXAOOBBATIOtBr. 

imowed it was going to settle in for thick weather. I told m^ 
son to look out, and in less than halt an hour there broke the 
doggondist storm I ever seed. Rain) Why, gentlemen, it 
rained so hard into the muzzle of my gun that it busted the 
darned thing at the breech I Yes, sir. And the water began 
to rise on us, too. Talk about your floods down South I Why, 
gentlemen, the water rose so rapidly in my house that it flowed 
np the chimney and streamed 300 feet up in the air ! We got 
it both ways that trip, up and down ! ^ 

^^ Do we understand thee is relating facts within the scope of 
thine own experience?" demanded the clergyman, with his 
mouth wide open. 

^^ Partially mine and partially my son's,** answered the truth- 
fill BilL ^^ He watched it go up, and I watched it come down \ 
But you can get some idea of how it rained when I tell you 
that we put out a barrel without any heads into it, and it 
rained into the bunghole of the barrel &8ter than it could run 
out at both ends ! " 

" Which of you saw that, thee or thy son % '* inquired a 
clergyman. 

^'We each watched it together, my son and me,** returned Wild 
Bill, ^^till my son got too near the barrel and was drowned. Ex- 
cuse these tears, gentlemen, but I can never tell about that 
storm without crying." 

^' Yerily the truth is sometimee stranger than fiction,'' said 
the dergynum* ^^ Yerily it is.** 

'^DonH you go there ! ^ he said, as he turned around on the 
passenger who announced that he was going through to Idaho. 
^^They are the most selfish people you ever saw." 

"How?" 

" Well, take my case. I ran a wildcat under a schoolhoose 
and discovered a nch minco and yet they wouldn't let me dc 



WIT AND HUXDB. IM 

my blasdng under there dnring school hours for fear of difr 
tnrbing the children. I had to i/t^ork at nights altogether, and 
they even charged me thirty cents for breaking the windows.'* 

"Indeed?'' 

" And in another case where I staked ont a claim and three 
men jumped it, the Gk)yemor refused to issue ammunition or 
let the Sheriff move ; and do you know what I had to do ? 
I had to dig a canal from the river, three miles away, and let 
the water in to drive the jumpers out, and even then the Gor 
oner who sat on the bodies made me pay for the cofiSins and 
charged me $12 for a funeral sermon only seven minutes long ! 
Don't go beyond Colorado if yon want to be used welL*^ 

• mi Perkins' Iiazy Man. 

^^He was very lazy, Mr. Perkins," said old Mrs. Jones 
^^ I must say my first husband was a very lazy man.'' 

** How lazy was he ? " I asked. 

" Well, he was so lazy, Eli, Mr. Jones was so lazy that h€ 
wouldn't shovel a path to t)ie front gate." 

^^ How did he get the path broken out ? " I asked. 

^^ O, he used to lay ^on the lounge and pinch the baby's eat 
with the nippers until the neighbors came rushing in to tread 
down the snow. " 

A Tmthfta Tkto^ 

Mark Twain and Petroleum Y. Nasby, says Bonn Piatt 
dined with Eli Perkins at the latter's residence in New York. 
The conversation at that dinner I shall never forget. The 
stories told and the remmiscencee brought out at that dinnei 
would fill a small book. 

After the last course, and after the ladies had withdrawn, the 
conversation turned upon horses. Finally Mr. Twain laid 
down his cigar and asked Perkins and Nasby if they had eve? 
heard of a fast horse he (Mark) used to own in Nevada. 



195 WIT OF EXAGGE&ATIOlSr. 



<'I ttunk not," said Nasby. 

^^Well, gentlemen,^' oontinaed Mr. Twain^ as he blew a 
smoke ring and watched it, ^' that was a fast horse. He wa? 
a yeiy &st horse. Bat he was so tough bitted that I couldn't 
goide him with a bit at alL" 

" How did you guide him?'' asked EIL 

^^ Well, gentlemen, I had to guide him with electricity. I 
had to have wire lines and had to keep a battery in the wagon 
all the time in order to stop him." 

^^ Why didn't you stop him by hollering who-ct" asked Eli. 

"Stop him by hollering who-«!" exclaimed Mr. Twain. 
^^ Why I could not holler loud enough to make that horse hear 
me. He traveled so &8t that no sound ever reached him from 
behind. He went faster than the sound, sir. Holler who-a 
and he'd be in the next town before the sound of your voice 
eould reach the dash-board. ^ Travel fast ? ' I should say ne 
could. Why I once started from Virginia City for Meadow 
Creek right in front of one of the most dreadful rain-storms we 
ever had on the Pacific coast Windandrain? Why the wind 
blew eighty miles an hour and the rain fell in sheets. I drove 
right before that storm for three hours — just on the edge of 
that hurricane and rain for foriy miles." 

" Didn't you get drenched I " 

" * Drenched? ' No, sir. Why, I tell you, I drove in front 
of that rainstorm. I could lean forward and let the sun shine 
on me, or lean backward and feel rain and catch hailstones. 
When the hurricane slacked up the horse slacked up, too, and 
when it blew faster I just said ^ g — ^Ik ! ' to the horse, and 
touched the battery and away we went Now I don't want to 
lie about my horse, Mr. Perkins, and I don't ask you tc believe 
what I say, but 1 tell you truthfully that when I got to Meadow 
Creek my linen duster was dry as powder. Not a drop of 
rain on the wagon seat either, while the wagon box was level 
full of hailstones and water, or Pm a , a ^ 

''Look here, gentlemen/' interrupted Mr. Nasby, ^^sptak- 



WIT AND HUMOB. 196 

ing of the tnziihy did 700 over hear about my etrikiiig thatmaD 
inToledoJ'* 

Mark said he had never heard aboat it 

"Well, sir, it was this way: There was a man Ihere — 
one of those worldly, skeptical fellows, who questioned my 
veracity one day. He said he had doabts about the truthful- 
ness of one of my cross-roads "incidents. He didn't say it 
publicly, but privr,tely« Fm sorry for the sake of his wife 
and family now that he said it at all — and sorry for the man, 
too, because he wasn't prepared to go. If heM been a Christ- 
ian it would have been different. I say I didn't want to strike 
this man, because it's a bad habit to get into — this making a 
human chaos out of a fellow man. But he questioned my 
veracity and the earthquake came. I struck him once— just 
once. I remember he was putting down a carpet at the Le 
aud had his mouth full of carpet tacks. But a man can't stop 
to discoimt carpet tacks in a man's mouth, when he questions 
your veracity, can he t I never do. I simply struck the 
blow.** 

"Did it hurt the man muchtT asked E!L 

" I don't think it did. It was too sudden. The bystanders 
said if I was going to strike a second blow they wanted to 
move out of the state. Now, I don't want you to believe me, 
and I don't expect you will, bi;it I tell you the honest truth, 
Mr. Perkins, I squashed that man right down into a door-mat, 
and his own wife, who was tacking down one edge of the 
carpet at the time, came right along and took him for a gutta 
percha rug, and actually tacked him down in front of the door. 
Poor woman, she never knew she was tacking down her own 
husband ! What became of the tacks in his mouth ? you ask. 
Well, the next day the boys pulled them out of the bottoms of 
his overshoes, and — ^ 

" Gentlemen ! " interrupted Eli, " it does me good to hear 
such truths. I believe every word you say, and I feel thaf I 
ODgJit to exchange truths with you. Now did you evei 



IQlx WIT OF EXAGGERATIOK. 

hear how I went to prayeMneeting at ilew London, Com* ; lo 

a rain-storm J " ' 

Tliey said they had not 

"Well, gentlemen," said Eli, "oni^ day I started for the 
New London prayer-meeting on horseback Wlien I got 
sbout half way there, there came up a fearftj storm. The wind 
blew a hurricane, and raitf feU in torrents, the lightning 
gleamed through the sky, and I went and crouched down 
behind a large bam. But pretty soon the lightning struck the 
barn, knocked it into a thousand splinters, and sent my horse 
whirling over into a neighboring corn-patch " 

^^Did it kill you, Mr. Perkins ? " asked Mr. Twain, the tears 
rolling down his cheeks. 

^* Ko, it didn't kill me," I said, ^^but I was a good deal dis- 
couraged.'' 

"Well, what did you do, Mr. Perkins ? " 

" * What did I do t ' Well, gentlemen, to tell the honest Con- 
necticut truth, I went right out into tne pasture, took off my coat, 
humped up my bare back, and took eleven clips of lightning 
right on my bare backbone, (^rew the electricity all out of the 
sky, and then got on to my horse and rode intx> New Londoi 
in time t6 lead at the evenmg pmyer-meeting.'' 

Arise and sing t 

Irish Bzafffferation 

An Irishman addicted to telling strange stories, said he saw > 
a man beheaded with his hands tied behind him, who directly 
picked up his head and put it on his shoulders in the right 
place. 

" Ha I ha 1 ha ! " laughed an Englishman ; '*how could he 
pick up his head when his hands were tied behind him ? " 

'*And, sure, what a purty fool ye arel" said Patj "and 
couldn't he pick it up wid hi^ teeth ? To ould Ni(^ wid yei 
liberation I " 



wrr AXD HUVOB. 198 

A little whfle afterward Pat was speaking of the fine edio 
at the lake of Killamey. ^' Why,'' said he, ^^ when yon shont, 
the echo repeats your voice forty times,'* 

'^ Faith, that is nothing at all to the echo in my father's 
garden in the county of G^way," said an Irish hackman, who 
was listening. ** If you say to it : 

" ' How do you do, Paddy Blake ? ' it will answer : 

" * Pretty well, thank you, sir.' " 

'^Pat, is your hack clean ? " I asked of an Irish hackman. 

*' Clean, do ye say? clean? Begorra an' it would carry a 
bride and bridesmaid, in their white satin robes, up and down 
the city, and turn them out a good deal deaner than when 
they went in I " 



*^ Was Aaron Burr a mean man ? " I asked a Yankee deacon 

op at Hartford. 

^' Mean? I should say be was. Aaron Burr mean ? Wliy, 
I could take the little end of nothing, whittled down to a point, 
punch out the pith of a hair, and put in forty thousand such 
souls as his, shake them up, and they'd rattle ! '^ 



£.oird SSrakixiB on liyfoy. 

Lord Erskine was once called upon by an old friend and 
asked whether an action for damages would lie in a certain 
3a8e ; and the evidence being clearlv insnfScient, he replied 
with one of his best puns : 

"The action will not lie unless the witnesses <fo." 

And in the I'helwaU case, the pidsoner, becoming alarmed* 
wrote upon a slip of paper: "I'm afraid I'll be hanged it j 
don't plead my own case," and handed it to Erskine, hiH com? 
sel, who replied : 

** You'll be hanged if you do, •* 



109 wrr of xxagobbatiov. 



Xte TtvQiltd Bdltor. 

^^ Talk about proflenoe of mind ! " exclaimed Mr. Doiemnfli 
of the G^veston Nea)9^ ^^Whj one day Aleck Sweet was 
standing at his desk writing, when a stroke of lightning de- 
scended through the roo^ stripped him of his clothing, even 
ids boots ; threw him against a wall, and left him piraljzed 
and unable to move a muscle.'^ 

^^ Did it kill bim?" asked a bystander. 

^^ Koy sir, he retained complete consdoasness through it all, 
and, being on the spot, was enabled to write up a yeracious 
aoooantoftheaffiur. He has since recovered.'' 



Bareditary liar. 

*^Fafiher I did you ever used to lie when yon were a boy f 

*^No, my son," said the paternal, who evidently did not 
recall the past with any distinctness. 

^* Nor mother, either \ '^ persisted the young lawyer. ' 

"Nolbutwhyl" 

^^ Oh, because I don't see how two people who never told a 
lie could have a boy who tells as many as I do. Where oould 
I have got it from 1 " 

« 

Alax. Sweet on Raxdd Transit. 

Unde Mose owns several small shanties, which he rents oat ; 
but one of the tenants is rather slow coming up with his rent, 
so old Mose had to make him a pastoral visit. Just as he was 
criming from the house, old Mose met Jim Webster. 

^^ Jim, "said flie old man, '^ which am de fastest trabbler 
you obber heerod tell about % " 

^^Dey say dat de ray ob light trabbles more den 200,000 
milea a aeeond, but I nebber timed it myself" replied JiaL 



wrr AJSTB HincoB. 200 

<<Dai^8 a man in Galyeston what can gib de ngrokB^ 
fifty ya^xls start and beat it de wust kind.'' 

^^ G'way, ole man. Ljin' is ketchin\ an' I hfdn^ been ybO' 
cmated since de waL^ 

^^ Hit am jess as I told yer. Gabe Snodgrass, which owes 
for four mnmfs back rent, can outtrabble de light" 

" Did yer see him doin' it ? " 

^^I went to de front doah, an' jess as his wife opened de 
^nt doah, I seed Oabe slide oat da back doah. ^ Is Qshe 
home } ' says L ^ He's done gone to Houston,' says she. Hit 
am fifty miles to Houston, an' he must hab made de trip while 
I was lookln' at him slide out de back doah. Just fetch on yer 
ray ob light, an' ef it don't hab to hump itself to catch up wid 
Oabe Snodgrass when I comes fhr de back renti den Fs a fool, 
dat'salll" 



**How did yoQ like the ruins of Pompdif asked an old 
lady of her son who had just returned from Europe^ 

^^ I didn't go to see 'em, ma. They said they was so dread« 
fully out of repair that I thought it wouldn't pay." 



« « 

'' That editor over the way," said the editor of the Sedalia 
Bazoo^ ^^ is mean enough to steal the swill from a blind hog." 

"^ That Bazoo man knows he lies," was the reply next day. 
^ He knows we never stole his swill." 

V 

^^ How did you come to have a wooden legP " asked one gen- 
tleman of another on the cars. 

" I inherited it, sir." 

^' How is that P " inquired his friend. 

^*' WelU sir, my father had one, and so had my grandfather 
before him. It runs in the family.^ 

** Was that leg at Bull run ? " 

U 



901 wxr OF bzagobrahov. 

^* When does a manied man become a bird?" aaked El? 
Perkins. 

"Never, sir I never!" said Joseph Oook. **It is prepoS' 
terous, Mr. Perkins.'' 

^^ When a married man comes home at; two o'clock in the 
morning don't his wife make him quail i " 

• • 

Old Deacon Bonnej never told a lie ; bnt he used to relate 
this: He was standing one day before a irog-pond, and saw 
a large garter snake make an attack npon an enormons bnll- 
frog. The snake seized on the frog's hind legs, and the fr^g 
to be on a par with his snakeship, canght him by the tail, and 
both commenced swaUowing each other, and contmued diia 
camiverous operation until nothing was left of theoL 



Daring the late war, one of the gon-boat contractors was 
impressing npon Mr. Lincoln the great superiority of his 
boats, because they would run in such shallow water. " O, 
yes," replied the President, "I've no doubt they'll run any- 
where where the ground is a little moist 1 " 

« « 
 

Just as a traveler was writing his name on the register of a 
Leavenworth hotel, a bed-bug appeared and took its way across 
the page. The man paused and remarked : 

'Tve been bled by St Joe fleas, bitten by Kansas (Sty 
spiders, and interviewed by Fort Scott graybacks ; but I'll be 
darned if I was ever in a place before where the bed-bugs 
looked over tne hotel register to find out where yom* room was P 



WIT AND HUMOK. 202 

The Ooloredo Liar. 

**That is the biggest liar in Colorado, and yon know Pm a 
judge, '^ said the reporter ot the Denver News^ pointing to a mild- 
eyed fellow with a Texan sombrero and fonr pistols in his belt 

'•* Has he really ever killed any one ? " I asked. 

"Killed anybody? You betcher life. Mo^e'n you've got 
fingers and toes on you. Why, that's Dead-Shot Bill. Never 
has to waste a second cartridge. Always takes 'em an inch 
above the right eye.'' 

"Is he a robber ! " asked several of tJie passengers at onoe. 

"Kaw t He ain't nothin' of that sort He kills for sport 
Wouldn't steal nothin'. " 

*^ Might I inquire if he has shoe any one quite recently}'^ 
asked the English tourist, beginning to tremble* 

*^ Waal, no ; not since a week ago Friday, that I can recol- 
lect cn.*^ 

This was carefully noted down by a stout, fat gentleman, 
who appeared, to be all ears, and looked as though he, too, 
jDight be an English* tourist 

" Well, don't the authorities muke any attempt to— to restrict 
ids amusement i " I asked. 

* * Authorities ! Guess not Why, he's sheriff himself of thig 
county, and since he shot the last Judge for fining him for con 
tempt of court when he shot a lawyer that bad the impudence tc 
say that a fellow the sheriff had taken in tor stealing a horse 
wasn't the right man, there hasn't been anybody who felt like 
taking his place.'' 

A moment afterward a quiet-looking stock man sat down 
beside me, and, turning to him, I pointed out the bloody form 
of Dead-Shot Bill and asked him if he knew him* 

" Know him ! " said the stock man ; *' why, of course I do* 
I've known him since he came from the East, and I hired him 
to look after a flock of sheep, but I've had to let him go 
because he was afraid to leave the randie on aoooont of the 
Indians — in his mind.^ 



WIT OF BXAGGBBATION. 203 



*^If yonr Honor please, that is not the point in question, '^ 
said a Western attorney. 

^^The court thinks otherwise," replied the Judge. 

** But," said the attorney, somewhat excitedly, ** T say your 
Honor lies — " and here he was suddenly cut short by the 
Judge. 

*^ What do you say, sir? Do yon mean to insinuate the 
court lies ? " sharply and quickly rapped his Honor. 

'^ No, I beg pardon, if the court so understood it What I 
was about to say, when interrupted by ycur Honor, and what 
I now say in the presence of the court is, that your Honor 
lies^ — and taking a long breath and coughing slightly — 'HmdoT 
a mistake." 

This was a satisfactory explanation, and the court and audi- 
ence enjoyed the scene with considerable merriment, and the 
case proceeded without further interruption* 



I was talking with Senator Blaine in Saratoga one day about 
mean men when Sam Oox stepped up and s^d he knew a very 
mean man — the meanest man on earth. 

** How mean is that ? " I asked. 

^^ Why, Eli," he said, ^^ he is so mean that he keeps a five- 
eent piece with a string tied to it to give to beggars ; and when 
their backs are turned he jerks it out of their pockets t 

^^Why, this man is so confounded mean^" continued Mr. 
Oox, '^ that he gave his children ten cents apiece every night 
tor going to bed without their supper, but during the night, 
when they were asleep, he went upstairs, took the money out 
of their dothes, and then whipped them in the moming for 
losing it." 



204 WTT AND HUMOB. 

" Does he do anything else ? " 

*' Yes, the other day I dined with him, and I noticed the 
poor little servant girl whistled all the way upstairs with the 
dessert ; and when I asked the mean old scamp what made her 
whistle so happily, he said : ' I keep her whistling so she can't 
eat the raisins out of the cake.' " 

I was down in Uncle Hank Allen's grocery today, telling 
about Sam Cox's mean man, when Oliver Wilcoxen remarked: 

"That was a pretty mean man, but 1 could tell you about 
meaner mdn than that right in this town. Now there is old 
Backus Long. You remember about the sausage skins ? " 

"No, what was it? " asked several voices at once. 

"Well, I don't speak of this as a case of meanness, but I 
put it forward as an instance of careful thrift when I say that 
when I ran the butcher's shop Backus Long always used to 
send back his sausage skins and have them refilled." 

" That was simply business shrewdness," said John Whit- 
ney. " Now I always do ihose kind of things myself. For 
instance, it is always my custom to stop the clock nights." 

" What for? " asked Stanley Westfall. 

" I do it to keep it from wearing out the coggs." 

"I call that rather close," said Deacon Monson. "I call 
that mean, but we've got a man over in Lebanon who beats 
that. Old Calkins over there is so mean that he skims his 
milk on top, and then, when no one is looking, he turns it over 
and skims it on the bottom." 

Uncle Hank now uncrossed his legs, took a quid of fine cut, 
and remarked : 

" Gentlemen, you don't appear to be aware of the many 
mean things done every day in this community. I tell you 
there is an all-killin' sight of meanness in this town." 

" Who^s meaner than old Calkins ?" asked Calvin Morse. 

" Why the meanest man in this town, and none of you 
seems to have heard of him," said Uncle Hank. ^^I say the 



Wrr OF BXAGOEBATIOir. 205 

(neanest man in this town, if my memory does not fail me, is 
old Deacon Crawiord, and ^ 

'' What was the meanest thing he ever did ? ^ asked a dozen 
voices: 

'^Well, gentlemen, you may call me a Uar, but it's the 
solemn truth. One day Deakin Crawford found a stray bung 
hole over around Stanley Westfall's cooper shop, and " 

'^What did he do with a stray bung hole?" asked Jonas 
WTiite. 

" Why, gentlemen, you may call it a he, but if he didn't 
take 4t up to Morse's cooper shop, and, handing it out, ask 
Gardner Morse to please give him a barrel to fit that ere bung 
hole. He did, by go.sh i " 



l&i Perkins on Large Feet 

There is an Englishman in Saratoga whose feet are ef) large 
that he rests easier standing up than lying down. 

Mrs. Thompson says he objected to taking a walk yesterday, 
GU the ground that it was so damp. 

^^ What difference does that make ? " I asked. 

^' Oh, his feet are so large that so much of him is exposed to 
the damp earth that he takes cold.'' 

*' But suppose he is compelled to go out very rainy weather 
— ^what does he do ? " I asked. 

a Why, if he has to stay any great length of time, he gener- ' 
ally sits down on the grass and holds his feet up I " 

One day this man was looking for a ])air of shoes. He tried 
on four or five pairs and then he asked for the largest pair in 
the store. 

*' These arc number 16*8," said the store keeper. "They 
are certainly Urge enouf;h." 

" No," said the mar, "they are too small. ^ They pinch my 
feet." 



S06 wrr and humob. 

" O, I have it," said the sto/e keeper, "here, just try on lihe 
box!'* 

The man didn't buy the box but suited himself in some other 
store, and the sequel came out the next day in the Albany 
newspaper as follows : . ^ 

"Ticket!" said the conductor, as he stopped in front of 
gentleman, who looked as if he was anchored to' his seat 

The gentleman addressed handed over the required paste- 
board, which was duly punched, and looking around, the 
conductor said : 

" Where's your friend's ticket." 

* ' What friend ? I have no friend. " 

" Who's the party occupying this seat with you?" 

^^Fm alone," said the passenger, looking somewhat puzzled 
at being questioned. 

**Then what are you doing with two valises i " 

"Two valises I why, I haven't any," at the same time moving 
his feet with exertion. 

" ^A/ ^excuse me .'" said the conductor, as he passed out ol 
die car. 

STasbsr's Satire, Ingersoll's Ridicule and Levis' Humor. 

" The difference between satire, ridicule and humor," writes 
Eli Perkins, '^is this: the satirist, like I^asby, exaggerates an 
error, makes it hideous and kills it; while the ridiculer, like 
IngersoU, exaggerates a truth and laughs it out of court. The 
humorist, like Lewis of Detroit, paints a true picture of 
nature. To illustrate humor, I give this true incident: A 
dear, good, old lady, with her daughter, came timidly jnto 
the Poughkeepsie station. She was quite excited. Pointing 
her hand nervously through the ticket agent's window, she 
asked , tremblingly : 

* When does the next train go to New York?' 

< Exactly three-twenty,' said the agent, looking at hii 
watch. 
^Is that the first train i' nervously gasped the old lady. 

* Yes, madam, the very first train.' 



Wrr OF EXAOGEBATIOK. '^'^i 

Isn't there any freights? ' IsnH  t 
' Ko, madam, there are no freights.' 

* Isn't there a special! ' 

* No, nothing.' 

* If there were a special wonid yon know iti 
^ Certainly, madam.' 

* And there isn't any ? ' 
'No, there isn't.' 

* "Well, I'm glad there isn't — awful gladi Now, Maria,! 
we can cross the track 1 ' " ' 

Bill Nye Ck>ndenms Uars. 

We have nothing more to say of the editor of the Sweet- 
. water Gazette. Aside frofm the fact that he is a squint-eyed, 
oonsnmpiive liar, with a hreath like a buzzard, and a record 
like a convict, we don't know anything against him. He 
means well enough, and if he can evade the penitentiary and 
the vigilance committee for a few more years, there is a chance 
for him to end his life in a natural way. If he don't tell the 
truth a little more plentiftiUy, however, the Green River 
people will rise as one maii and chum him up till there won't 
be anything left of him but a pair of suspenders and a wart 

A. Miner GMswold's filtory. 

A tramp sat upon a doorstep in New York tenderly holding 
his head in his hands, when the owner came along. 

** What's the matter with you, man ?" asked the gentleman. 

" I'm in doubt, sir ; I'm in a state of doubt." 

" In doubt ? what about ? " 

" Well, sir, I went into that alley-gate up there to get suth'in 
to eat ; I might a-knowed suth'in 'd happened, for there was 
a dead book agent layin' on the flower bed, and a liniment 
man with the side of his head all caved in leanin' up again 
the peach tree." 

*'Well?" 



908 WIT ABD HUJiOIL 

^'YoQ see I alius was ventnrsome ; so I very polHdy 
ptepped np and taking off my hat asked a woman standin* 
there, wonld she be kind enough to give me a berry pie and 
some breast of chidken ? " 

" Well, what happened then ^ 

"Now, my friend, that's what I'm in doabt about I'm 
thinking it over now. I don't seem to make out whether I 
got the pie or the back porch fell down on me, or perhaps I 
fell asleep under a pile driver. I don't know anything about 
it, but to give myself the benefit of the doubt, 1 believe I'd 
sooner work half an hour than go into that yard again. 1 
would.'* 

A Tnithfta Boy. 

" Wheie were you, Charlie ? " 

" In the garden, ma." 

" No, you have been swimming ; you know I have can- 
noned you about going to the creek. I will have to correct 
you. Look at your hair, how wet it is." 

* * Oh, no, ma, this is not water — it is sweat." 

''Ah, Charlie, I have caught you fibbing; your shirt is 
wrong side out." 

Boy triumphantly. " Oh, I did that just now, ma, eHmiy 
ing ths fenoe.^ 



One day they were talking in Uncle Hank's grocery about 
arge bedbugs and tough bedbugs. 

''I boiled a bedbug nine hours and it swam around on the 
top all the time/' said old Gifford. 

"I put a bedbug in a kerosene lamp," said Charley Camp- 
bell, "kept it there four years, and it hatched out twenty-seven 
litters of bedbugs right in the kerosene." 

Old Hank Allen, who had been listening as an outsider, here 



Wrr OF EXAOGEBA.TI0R. 309 

gave in his ei^>erienoe in oorroboration of thq facts. Said he : 
" Some years ago I took a bedbug to Wood's uon foundry, 
and dropped it into a ladle where the melted iron was, and had 
it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet 
for six years, and here the other day she broke it all to smash ; 
and what do you think, gentlemen i that 'ere insect just walked 
out of his hole where he'd been layin' like a frog in a rock, 
and made tracks for his old roost up-stairs. But," added he, 
by way of parenthesis, ^' by ginger, gentlemen, he looked 
mighty pale I " 

A book agent took refuge under a hay-stack during a thunder- 
storm and the lightning struck him on the cheek, glanced oif 
and killed a mule two hundred yards away. 

« » 

« 

A Colorado traveler who had chartered half a bed at a 
crowded hotel, and was determined to have the best hali, 
buckled a spur on his heel before turning in. His unfortunate 
sleeping partner bore the infliction as long as he could, and at 
last roared out : 

^^ Say, stranger, if you're a gentleman, you ought to cut your 
toe-nails t " 

QeiL 3utler on Three Ghreat liars. 

•*I have the honor," said Gen. Butler at the Medico-Lego 
dinner at Delmonico's — "I have tlie honor of knowing three 
of the greatest liars — the greatest living liars in America." 

"Who are they?" asked the venerable Sam Ward, as he 
dropped a chicken partridge to listen to the General. 

"Well, sir," said the General, as he scratched his head 
thoughtfully, "Mark Twain is one, and Ellar Perkins isth^ 
other two ! " 

Arise and sing I 



SIO WZr AHD HDIIOB. 



An Of&oer of the Weather Bureau In Topeka. 

Tbpdbd {Eons,) OommcnweaUh. 

Among the arrivals at the Windsor yesterday morning was 
a venerable old bald-headed man, who closely resembles the 
pictures of Baron Humboldt There was an air of mystery 
about the old man that the guests could not fathom. Some 
said it was Sir Morton Peto, the English railway king. Others 
said it was Samuel J. Tilden. Finally a Cbmmoivwealth le- 
porter sent his^card up to the venerable stranger's room, when 
he was graciously received by the stranger and presented to 
his wife and five beautiful daughters. It was a strange thing 
to see five beautiful daughters travelling with the same parents 
and aU of them seemingly about the same age. 

When our reporter ventured to ask the illustrious stranger 
about his mission to Topeka, he said : 

^^I am the chief of the new weather bureau recently estab- 
lished in New York. Our mission and business is to fiimish 
weather to suit the difTerent states. I arranged the recent 
hurricane in Kansas City and am now in Topeka to be present 
at a hurricane which we have appointed to take place next 
Thursday." 

^^ And you say that the Kansas City hurricane was gotten up 
especially for that city ? " 

^^ Certainly, young man ; you see there had been a good 
deal of wind about Topeka, especially about the state house, 
and Kansas City was jealous, so they sent for me to get up the 
rival wind, and I fancy I succeeded very well. Yes, sir,'' said 
the old man, as he rubbed his bald head with a silk handker- 
chief, " it was a pretty fair hurricane — pretty fair." 

"How hard did it blow over there?" asked our reporter, 
believing the Kansas City papers had lied about their own 
wind. 

"Well, my son, it blew hard- — yes, very hard. In several 
instances it blew post holes dear over the river into Giay 



211 WTT OF EXAOOBRATION. 

ooTinty. Deacon Goates, of the Ooates House, told me that it 
blew his cook stove seventeen miles and came back the next 
morning and got the griddles." 
. " My gracious ! " » 

"Yes, dir, and worse than that Four Kansas, City editors 
get caught out in that wind. They carelessly left their mouths 
open when the, wind caught them behind their teeth and turned 
them inside out and " 

''Heavens 1 did it kill them ? " 

" Well, no, but they were a good deal discouraged, my son. 
There was one very queer circumstance, though. It seems that 
about a dozen Journal reporters were returning from prayer 
meeting " 

*' Prayer meeting? " 

" Yes, my son ; returning from prayer meeting, when the 
wind caught them and blew them right up against a stonewall 
and flattened them out as thin as wafers. In the morning there 
they stuck on the wall and " 

"Did it kill them?" 

" No, you can't kill a reporter, my son. But ae I was say- 
ing, the next morning there they stuck until Mr. Yan Horn 
went out with a wheelbarrow and spade and scraped them off.'^ 

" Did you see these flattened reporters ? " 

"I did. Mr. Yan Horn was just sending them to Texas by 
express." t 

" What for? What could they do with these flat reporters 
in Texas I" 

"Mr. Yan Horn told me they were to be used as circas 
posters, and " 

" What is your name ? " asked our reporter. 

" You can rely upon my statements, young man. My name 
is Eli Perkins, and " 

"EH?'* 

"Fes.* 

"Good-morning, Eli!" and our reporter was away. 



WIT Aim mmosL 21:? 



The Texas Cow Boy. 

Mrst Cowboy: 
Fm the howler from the prairies of the West. 
If you want to die with terror, look at me. 
I'm chain-lightning. If I ain't, may I be blessecL 
I'm the snorter of the boundless perarie. 
Dhoms— He's a killer and a hater; 
He's the great annihilator ; 
He's a terror of the boundless perarie. 

Second Cowboy: 
I'm the snoozer from the upper trail ; 
I'm the reveler in murder and in gore ; 
I can bust more Pullman coaches on the rail 
Than any one who's worked the job before. 
Chorus— He's a snorter and a snoozer; 

He's the great trunk line abuser ; , 

He's the man who put the sleeper on thb rail 

Third Cowboy: 
I'm the double-jawed hyena from the East ; 
I'm the blazing bloody blizzard of the States ; 
Pm the celebrated slugger, I'm the beast ; 
I can snatch a man bald-headed while he waits. 
Chorus — He's a double-jawed hyena ; 
He's the villafin of the scena ; 
He can snatch a man bald-headed while he waita 



R. S. Oriswell's Stxiry. 

When Grandfather Idckshingle heard it read from a news 
paper that Mrs. Peter Ripley, cf Sherman, N. Y., had a lamp 
chimney which they have used constantly for thirteen years, 
he rapped savagely on the floor with his cane and said : 

''Now what the dickens is the use of putting such stuff as 
that in a newspaper? If they want some information about 
lamp-chinmeys, let them come to me and get it When me and 
your grandmother broke up house-keeping we had a lamp- 
chimney that wajs a lamp^himney. But you can tell your 
aant'c folkc that it waan't made in these shoddy times. I paid 



213 WIT OF VKAQ&ESUmxm. 

three cents in gold for it tibe day after we were married. That 
was away back somewhere in 1700. We used it night and 
day for seventy-nine vears and eight ^ 

^^ Why, grandpa, yon didn^t have to nse it in the daytime, 
did you 5 " 

^^Didn^t have to — no ! But we did. Used it at night on 
the lamp, and in the daytime we used it to drive nails with. 
Sometimes tlie children cracked hickory-nuts with it, and the 
Street Commissioner borrowed it several times to pound rocks 
on the street. One day he thought sure he had lost it Hif* 
workmen had left it on the track, and the street cars ran over 
it seventeen rimes before it was found." 

*'This lamp-chimney had been in a railroad collision, twen 
ty-two lamps had exploded und^r it in its time, a mule kicke*' 
it through the side of a stable, and it came out of it all without 
as much as a crack. But it^s broke now," said grandfather, 
with a heavy sif^h. 

'^ Then you were foolish enough to allow the hired girl to 
attempt to clean it, were yon not? " asked mother. 

^' Naw, but we might as well. When we quit keepin' house 
I gave it to Gteneral Butler, who lived tip in Boston. He was 
hard of heerin'. and wanted it for an eai trumpet One daj 
Ben Butler tried to tell Solon Chase, up in Maine, that a- green 
back currency was the only thing that would save this country, 
and busted the chimney into a million pieces:" and grand 
father hammered on the floor with his cane, and said it was h 
sad, sad day for this country when the Green-back party wai 
bom. 

The Way to Deny a Ijyfjag Bumor* 

The following paragraph began to be extensively eirailated 

in the newspapers in 1875 : 

Eli Perkins was once a resident of Fulton, and to-day hifi 
wife and a handsome eighteen-yeaivold daughter are occapying 
a cosy dwelling on a principal street here. Few beaideB the 



J 



Wir A9I> UUJIUIt' ^''^ 

iittle familyhe left behind him can call him by his trne name.^ 
—Fulton Time9. 

This ib the way the lie was corrected : 

7b Hit Editor of the New York Sun: 

Now, if this paragraph h true, it is time that I were arrested 
for bigamy, for I am at present pretending to oocnpy the posi- 
tion in Kew York of the devotea husbana of the 6nly original 
and most loving little wife on this continent 

If I ever abandoned a wife in Fulton, N. Y., it must have 
been some other man's wife. I have done a good deal of that 
kind of thing in my life, and if all oar lawyers, editors, and 
dei^men wonld foUow my example in such things closer than 
they do, th^y would reduce unhappiness in this lite and the 
price of sulphur in the next 

I abandoned a daughter years ago, when I was about eighteen 
years old. She was me daughter of a merchant — young, beau- 
tiful and wealthy. I did not abandon her on my own account, 
but her father came to me with a shot-min and asked me to do 
it K you had seen the man and the jzun you would have 
abandoned a whole drove of daufihters. But even then, if she 
had urged me to stay, I should nave picked out the buck-sbot 
and continued to board with her &ther and mother. 

Yours truly. Ell Pebkins, 

P. S. — TLsBOAPrrvuLTios. 

L I never was in Fulton, N. Y. 

n. 1 never had a daughter. 

TTT- I am now living in New York with my " only original," 
!oving wife, and I love her as the apeels do an honest, truthful 
journalist. There is more danger of my wife abandoning me 
than there is of my abandoning her ; and if any editor will 
faisore me against b^ng abandoned, I will give him ^09. 

,Bl P. 

VtoDOUs "^^Hnd Btarins. 

(Bemarttmadeai the Hatchet CbtU) 

*^ Talking about hard blows out west, '^ said llfr. Lewis, of 
liie Detroit Free Pr€88^ at a meeting of the ^^ Hatchet Qub,'^ 
^^ ttJking about heavy winds, why I saw a man out in Michi- 
gan sitting quietly on his doorstep eating a piece of pie' 
Suddenly, before he could get into the house, the wind struck 

16 



215 vn or KZAQomurKm. 

him. The gale first blew the honse down, and then seized the 
man, carried him through the air a hundred yards or so, and 
landed him in a peach-tree. Soon afterward a friendly board 
from his own honse came floating by. This he sei'sed and 
placed over his head to protect himself fit)m the raging blast, 
and — finished his pie. {Senmtion.) 

"That was a windy day for Michigan, I presume," said 
Mr. Wm. Nye, of Laramie, "but that would not compare 
with- one of our Laramie zephyrs. Why, gentlemen, out in 
Laramie, during one of our ordinary gales, Pve seen boulders 
big as pumpkins flying through tlie air. Once, when the wind 
was blowing grave-stones around, and ripping water-pipes out 
of the groxmd, an old Chinaman with spectacles on his nose 
was observei^ in the eastern part of the town seated on a knoll, 
calmly flying his kite — an iron shutter with a log-chain for a 
tafl." (Eear^ He0/r !) 

"That was quite windy,'' said a Boston man, who had just 
returned from Nevada. " We had some wind out tliere. One 
day as I was passing a hotel in Virginia City, the cap blew 
from one of the chimneys. It was a circular piece of sheet 
iron, painted black, slightly convex, and the four supports 
were like legs. The wind carried it down street, and it went 
straddling along like a living thing." 

^^ Well, what was it ? " asked a member. 

•'Why, it turned out to be a bed bug fix)m the hotel, and, 
by Gteorge t I never saw anything like it," then he added, 
"outside of Boston." {Sensation.) 

" You have seen some strong winds, gentlemen," obsenred 
EU Perkins, " but I have seen some frisky zephyrs myself, and, 
as to night is the 22d of February, tlie birthday of Ae patron 
saint of the " Hatchet Club,'- I will tell you about them. 

" Once, out in Kansas, they told me the wind blew a oook- 
Btove eighty miles, and came back the nezct day and got the 
griddles. {Wonder wnd (ipplarise.) 

A reporter of the Eausas Gty paper was standing oat in 



Wn AND BUmOSL 816 

the dtreet looking ak the stove as it floated away, when the 
wind caught him in the moiith, and turned bim completely 
wrong side out {Sensation.) 

'•In Topeka,'' continued Mr. Perkins, "post holes were 
ripped out of the ground and carried twenty miles {hea/r^ Jiear\ 
and careless citizens who ventured out were bloWn right up 
against brick walls and flattened out as thin as wafers {Sen- 
wtion, and a voice, 'thafs too thin^). Yes, tliousands of 
citizens,'' continued Eli, "were thus frescoed onto the dead 
walls of Topeka. The next day after the wind subsided, 
Deacon Thompson went around with a spade and pealed off a 
wagon load of citizens, and — " ^ 

" What did he do with them } '' gasped the members of the 
Qub. 

" Why, gentlemen, if I remember rightly, he shipped them 
to Texas and sold them for drcns posters and liver pads.'' 

" Arise and sing I " 

Very Windy. 

^' Talking about the wind," said Gleorge Peck, Milwaukee 
liar, '^ Talk about the wind blowing the grasshoppers away I 
One of them faced the gale the other day for an hour, and 
then yanked a shingle ofi a house for a tan, saying it was 
awfblly snUzy." 



SATIRE AND RIDICULE 



How Satire DUSars From Huxnor. 

Satire is one of the strongest weapons we have. The Satirei 
of Juvenal changed the customs of Borne, Dean Swifl changed 
the political aspect of England with his ^^Tale of a Tub,'^ 
Oervantes broke np the awiiil custom of Knight errantry in 
Spain by Don Quixote, and Nasby with his cross-roads letters 
did more for the Union during the last war than a brigade of 
soldiers. 

Satire and Bidicside In the Bible. 

EU]Perkitu, 

The bible is fidl of ridicule and satire. Elijah was always 
using it, and our Saviour himself, on several occasions, uttered 
the most laugh-provoking ridicule. You remember when he 
said: 

^^ Ye be blind leaders of the blind: Ye strain at a gnat and 
ye swallow a cameL'* 

Suppose our Savior had said: 

^' Ye strain at a mosquito and ye swallow a buffalo/* It 
would not have been more ridiculous, nor convincing. 

Elijah broke down the heathen priests of Baal with ridicule. 
You remember the prayer test, where the priests of Baal said, 
Baal could light the tinders as well as Elijah's God. Then 
Elijah turned upon them and said: 

'^ Pray away ! Baal is a Ood, but peradventure he sleepeth. 
Peradventure he hath gone on a journey I Pray louder ! 

217 



»« 



wrr A]n> HimoB* il>6 



Satire on Modem Ohuroh Musla 

EU Parkiiu. 

My consin Jnlia is learning to sing hi — opera in the choir. 
Everything is on the hi now ; hi — opera, hi — church, hi — 
heels, or hi — pocracy. 

When Eugene Augustas asked her to sing some modem 
high church music last night, she flirted up her long train, co- 
qnettishly wiggle-waggled to the piano, and sang : 

When ther moo-hoon is mi-hild-ly be-heaming 

0*er the ca-ham and si-hi-lent s o - o - o - o - a ; 
Its ra-dyunce so-hbftly stre-heaming, 
Oh I ther-hen, oh, ther-hen, 

I thee-hink 

Hof thee-he^' 

I thee-hink, 

I thee-hink, 

I thee-hink, 
I thee-he-he-hehehehe hink hof the-e-e-e-e 1 1 

^^ Beautiful, Miss Julia 1 beautiful 1 " and we all clapped our 
hands. " Do please sing another verse — it's perfectly divine, 
Miss Julia I " said Eugene Augustus. Then Julia raised her 
golden (dyed) head, touched the white ivory with her jewelled 
fingers and warbled : 

When the sur-hun is bri-hight-ly glo-ho-ing 
O'er the se-hene so de-hear to me-e-e ; . 
And swee-heet the wee-hind is blo-ho-ing, 
Oh I ther-hen, oh ther-hen, 

I thee-hink 
Hof thee-hee, 
I thee-hink, 
I thee-hink, 
I thee he-he-hehehehe-hink, hohohohohohoho- 
hohoho-of-the-eeeeeeeeeeeee! I ! ! ! ! 

** There, that will stun the congregation next Sunday, won't 
It ? " said Julia. 

We all told her we thought it would. 



219 AATIBB AND BIDIOUIB. 



SatdrisdnfiT Darwin. 

Instead of defending Christianity, it is better to satirize the 
Anti-Christians. 

" I believe with Haxley and Darwin in a religion of reason," 
satirizes Eli Perkins. " Before we can make our new doctrine 
of reason successful we must destroy all the churches, and 
have a new bible. The old theory of creation is all wrong. 
Nothing was created. Everything grew. In the old bible we 
read: 'In the beginning God created heaven and earth. ^ 

'*Now this is all wrong," says Darwin and L Our new 
bible is to commence like this : 

Genesis Chap. L 

1. There never was a beginning. The Eternal without us, 
that maketh for righteousness, took no notice whatever ot 
anything. 

2. And Cosmos was homogeneous and undifferentiated, and 
somehow or another evolution began, and molecules appeared. 

3. And molecule evolved protoplasm, and rythmic thrills 
arose, and then there was light. 

4. And a spirit of energy was developed and formed the 
plastic cell, whence arose the primordial germ. 

5. And the primordial germ became protogene, and proto- 
geae somehow shaped eocene, — then was the dawn of life. 

6. And the herb yielding seed, and the fruit-tree yielding 
fruit after its own kind, whose seed is in itself, developed 
according to its own fancy. And the Eternal without us, that 
maketh for righteousness, neither knew nor cared anytliing 
about it. 

7. The cattle after his kind, the beast of the earth after his 
kind, and every creeping thing became evolved ty hetero- 
geneous segregation and concomitant dissipation of motion. 

8. So that by survival of the fittest there evolved the Simi- 



wrr xsD HUHOB. 220 

ade firom the jelly-fish, and the simiads differentiated them- 
selves into the anthropomorphic primordial types. 

9. And in due time one lost his tail and became a man, 
and behold he was the most cunning of all animals ; and 
lo ! the fast men killed the slow men, and it was ordained to 
be 80 in every age. 

10. And in process of time, by natural selection and sur- 
vival of the fittest, Matthew Arnold, Herbert Spencer, and 
CSiarles Darwin appeared, and behold it was very good. 

Kyle's Satire on tUe Dade. 

Mr. George W. Kyle furnishes one of the cleverest of satires 
on .*' Dude "or '* Swell " in the form of a soliloquy : 

I say 1 I wonder why fellalis ever wide in horse-cars. IVe 
been twying all day to think why fellahs ever do it, weally ! 
I know some fellahs that are in business, down town, you 
know — C. B. Jontss, cotton dealer; Smith Brothers, woolen 
goods; Bwown & Company, stock bwokers and that sort of 
thing, you know — who say they do it every day. If I was to 
do it every day, my funeral would come off in about a week. 
'Pon my soul it would. I wode in a horse-car one day. Did 
it for a lark. . Made a bet I would wide in a horse-car. 'Pon 
my soul* I did. So I went out on the pavement before the 
club-house and called one. I said, "Horse-car! horse-car!" 
but not one of 'em stopped, weally ! Then I saw that fellahs 
wun after them — played tag with them, you know, as the 
dweadful little girls do when school is coming out. And some- 
times they caught the cars — ah — and sometimes they did not 
So I wun after one, I did weally, and I caught it I was out 
of breath, j'ou know, and a fellah on the platform — a conduc- 
tor fellah — poked me in the back and said, "Come ! move up I 
make room for tliis lady ! '* Ah — by Jove he did, you know ! 
I looked for the lady so {eye-glass 1msiness\ but I could see no 
ladjt and I said so. There was a female person behind me, 



221 SATEKB ABD BIDIOULB. 

% 

9 

with lai^ marketrbasket, cwowded with — ah — vegetables and 
such dreadftil stuff, and another person with a bundle and 
another with a baby, you know. The person with the basket 
prodded me in the back with it, and I said to the conductor 
fellah, said I, 

'•Where shall I sit down? I — ^ah — ^i don't see any seat, 
you know. {Eye^lasB Imamess.) The seats seem to be occu 
pied by persons, conductor," said I. '* Where shall I sit! " 
He was wude, very wude, indeed, and he said : 
"You can sit on your thumb if you have a mind to." 
And when I wemonstrated with him upon the impwopwiety 
>f telling a gentleman to sit on his thumb, he told me to go to 
thunder. '' Go to thunder I " he did indeed. After a while 
one of the persons got out and I sat down ; it was vewy dis- 
agweeable ! Opposite me there were several persons belong- 
ing to the labowing classes, with what I pwesume to be lime 
on their boots, and tin kettles which they carried for some 
mysterious purpose in their hands. There was a person with 
a large basket, and a colored person. Next to me there sat a 
fellah that had been eating onions I Twas vewy offensive I 
I couldn't stand it I No fellah could, you know. I had heard 
that if any one in a car was annoyed by a fellah-passenger he 
should weport it to the conductor. So I said : 

'' Conductor I put this person out of the car t he annoys me 
vewy much. He has been eating onions." 

"But the conductor fellah only laughed. He did indeed I 
And the fellah that had been eating onions said : 
" Hang yer impidence. what do ye mean by that ! '' 
"It's extwemely disagweeable, you know, to sit near one 
who has been eating onions," said I. "I think you ought to 
resign, get out, you know." And then, though I'm sure I 
spoke in the most wespectftil manner, he put his fist under 
my nose and wemarked, 

" You'll eat that, hang you, in a minute I " He did indeed. 
And a iellah opposite said ; 



Wrr AND HUHOB. 222 

'^ Pot a head on him, Jim I ^ I suppose {h)m his tone thai 
it was some colloquial expwession of the lower orders, re- 
ferring to a personal attack. It was vewy disagweeabie in- 
deed. I don't see why any fellah ever wides in the horse-cars. 
But I didn't want a wow, yon know. A fellah is apt to get a 
black eye, and a black eye spoils one's appeawance, don't you 
think? So I said, -^ Beg pardon, I'm sure." The fellah said, 
*' Oh, hang you I " He did, indeed. He was a vewy ill-bred 
person. And all this time the car kept stoppiug and more 
people of the lower orders kept getting on. A vewy dweadftd 
woman with a vewy dreadful baby stood right before me, iii> 
tercepting my view of the street ; and the baby had an orange 
in one hand and some candy in the other. And I was wonder^ 
ing why persons of the lower classes were allowed to have 
such dirty babies, and why Bergh or some one didn't interfere, 
you know, when, before I knew what she was doing, that 
(^weadful woman sat that dweadful baby wight down on my 
lap I She did indeed. And it took hold of my shirt bosom 
with one of its sticky hands and took my eyeglass away with 
the other and upon my honor, I'm quite lost without my eye- 
glass. 

^^ You'll have to kape him till I find me money," said the 
woman. / 

" Weally I" said I, "Pm not a nursery-maid, ma'am.'' 

Then the people about me laughed. They did indeed. 1 
could not endure it. I jumped up and dwopped the baby in 
the straw. 

^Stop the car, conductor," said I, "stop the car." What 
do you suppose he said ? 

'^ Hurry up now, be lively, be lively ; don't keep me waiting 
all day I " And I was about to wemonstrate with him upon the 
impwopwiety of speaking so to a gentleman, when he pushed 
me off the car. That was the only time I ever wode in a horse- 
car. ' I wonder why fellahs ever do wide in horse^^aigB i I should 
think they would pwefer cab% you know. 



SATEEUB AKD RXDIOULl. 228 

Bf.'Qiuid'B Satire on Foreign Charity. 

There were a score or more of women gathered, together at 
Mr. Johnson^B honse. Mr. Johnson is a good-hearted man 
and a respectable citizen, though he is rather skeptical in some 
things. The women had just organized *^ The Foreign Benev- 
olent Society^^ when Mr. Johnson entered the room. He was at 
once appealed to to donate a few dollars as a foundation to work 
on, and then Mrs. Graham added: 

" It will be so pleasant in after years for you jbo remember 
that you gave this society its first dollar and its first kind' 
word." 

He slowly opened his wallet, drew out a ten-dollar bill,' and 
as the ladies smacked their lips and clapped their hands, he 
asked: 

*^Is this society organized to aid the poor of foreign 
countries?" 

" Yes — yes — yes!" they chorused. 

"And it wants money?" 

"Yes— yes!" 

" Well, now," said Johnson, as he folded the bill in a tempt- 
ing shape, " there are twenty married women here. It there 
are fifteen of you who can make oath that you have combed 
the children's hair this morning, washed the dishes, blackened 
the cook-stove and made the beds, FU donate ten dollars." 

" I have," answered two of the crowd, and the rest said; 

" Why, now, Mr. Johnson!" 

"If fifteen of you can make oath that your husbands are 
not wearing socks with holes in the heels, the money is yours." 
continued the wretch. 

"Just hear him!'' they exclaimed, each one looking at the 
other. 

" If ten of you have boys without holes in the knees of their 
pants, this X goes to the society," said Johnson. 

" Such a man I" they whispered. 



234 WIT AUD HUMOB. 

^^If there are five pairs of stockings in this room that oonot 
need darning, FlI hand over the money/' he went on. 

''Mr. Johnson," said Mrs. Graham, with great dignity. 
^' the rules of this society declare that no money shall be con 
tributed except by members, and as you are not a member, i 
beg that yon will withdraw and let ns proceecl with the roatine 
business." 

Satlrizlziff the Managing Bostaa Qiila. 

Last evening as Mr. Stub was playing his sweet music in the 
Saratoga ball room, an old maid from Boston was promenading 
out on the flirting balcony with Mr. Jack Astor, one of our swell 
young gentlemen from New York, 

As the lanciers stopped, Miss Warren looked languidly 
over into the park, sighed four times and then pathetically 
remarked : ^ 

" Nobody loves me, my dear Mr. Astor ; nobody — ^' 

** Yes, Miss Warren, Qod loves yon, and — your mother 
loves you." 

"Mr. Astor, let's go in I " 

And five minutes afterward Miss Warren was trying the 
drawing-out dodge on another poor innocent, unsuspecting 
fellow. 

Sath« on the Oritio. 

Ivan Taurganeff 

There was a fool. For many years he lived comfortably 
Then, little by little, the news came to him from all quartern 
that he was a brainless fellow. 

The fool was very much confused by this, and was very 
anxious to find some way to put an end to such disagreeable 
news. 

At last a sudden idea brightened his poor head, aad with 
out much ado he put it into practice. 

An acquaintance met him in the street and began to prai^ 
a &QK>U8 painter-. 



SATIRE ajk'O BIDICULE. 



225 



**Mprcy!" exclaimed the fooi. *'Thifi painter was forgot- 
ten long ago. Don't you know thai? I did not expect that 
from you. You are behind the times." 

The aoquaintance was oonfiised^ and hastened to agree with 
the fool 

^^Wliat a beautiful book that is,'* another acquaintanoe 
said to the fool, talking of a new book 

*' Gracious I '* exclaimed the fool, ''that book isgoodfoi 
nothing , there is not a single novel idea in it Everybody 
knows that. Don^t yon know it ^ Oh f you are behind the 
times." 

And this acquaintance was also confused, and he, too, 
figreed with the fool 

''What a fine and noble man myfnend N .N is,'' said 
another person to the fool 

*'0h, dear me ! "' exclaimed the ibol, ^' he is a well known 
scoundrel , he has cheated all his relatives Who does not 
know that ? You are behind the times " 

And this person agreed with the fool and forsook his fnend 
And the same sort of remarks the fool made whenever they 
praised anybody or anything in his presence Sometimes 
he added : ** Do you believe yet in authorities ? ** 

Thus it came about that people began to talk of the fool 
thus^ : '^ What an angry misanthrope he is ! " '' But then 

ft 

what a clear head ! " ' * And what a sharp tongue * " '* Ah, 
he is a genius ! '' 

At length the editoi of a l£jrge journal asked the tool to 
conduct its department of criticism And the fool criticised 
everything and everybody in his own peculiai* manner 

The fool who denounced all authorities has* now become an 
authority himsclt, and the youths revere him and fear him. 
Tliey cannot help it, for did they not revere the fool be would 
dass them among those who are behind the times 

How happy fools are among cowards! 



296 WIT hXD HUlfOR* 

EDI Berkins Satiilaes the Shottdy Saratoga CHrl 

Conversations as varied as the crowd i2;reet you on every 
hand at Saratoga Last night, Mr Winthrop, a young author 
from Boston, was talking to Miss Johnson, from Oil City^ 
Miss Johnson is a beautiful girl — very fashionable No ma- 
terial expense is spared to make her attractive She is gored 
and puckered to match her pannier, and ruffled and fluted and 
cut on the bias to* correspond with her overskirt, but alas I her 
literary knowledge is limited. 

As Mr Wiuthrop was promenading up and down the bal- 
cony last night, he remarked to Miss Johnson as he opened 
Mr Jenkins' English book : 

•' Have you seen * Qinx's Baby,' Miss Johnson I ^ 

''Oh, Mr. Winthrop! I think all babies are dreadful — 
awful — ^perfectly atrocious 1 Mrs. Ginx don't bring her baby 
into the parlor does she? " 

'^ But how do you like ' Dame Eoiopa's School,' Miss John 
son ? " continued Mr. Winthrop. 

^'I don't like any school at all, Mr Winthrop, except 
dancing school — they're dreadful — perfectly atrocious ^ O, the 
divine round dances, the-:— ^ 

''Have you seen the ' Woman ji White,' by Wilkie Collins* 
Miss Johnson ? " 

'^Ko, but I saw the woman in dark blue byCbmmodore 
Vanderbilt — and such a dancer — such a — " 

^'Did you see Kapoleon's ^Julius OeBsar'^" interrupted 
Mr. Winthrop 

"Napoleon's Julius seize her! you don't say so, Mr Witt^ 
throp ' Well, 1 don't wonder. I wanted to seize her myself 
—-any one who would wear such an atrocious polonaise I " 

And so, aristocratic Miss Johnson went on In every word 
she uttered I saw the superiority of the material over the 
mental — the preponderance of milhner over the schoolmaster. 
I was|;lad to sit with the poor Boston author at the fbnntam 



SAXIRB AND BIDIOUUL S37 

of Miss Johnson's wisdom — to drink in a perpetnal flow of 
Bonl, and to feast on reason. 

But when a moment afterward I saw Miss Johnson and 
emply-headed Mr. Witherington of Fifth avenne floating down 
the ball room in the redowa, I felt that my early education 
had been neglected. 

^^Alas, I cannot dance !'' I sighed. '^I camiot dance the 
German I " 

^' O," I sighed in the anguish of my heart, ^^wonld that I 
directed my education in ether channels ; would that I had 
cultivated my brain less and my heels more, and that books 
and art and architecture had not drawn me aside from the fes- 
• tive dance. Would that the palace of the Osssars, the Milan 
Cathedral, and the great dome of St Paul's were in chaos I 
Would that Dickens and John Buskin and old Hugh Miller 
had never lived, and that the sublime coloring of Bembrandt 
and Baphael had &ded Uke the colors of a rainbow.'^ 

^^ After death comes the judgment ; and what will it proflt a 
man to gain the whole world and fail with Miss Johnson to 
dance the round dances ? " In the anguish of my heart I cry 
aloud, '^ May the Lord have mercy on my soul and not utterly 
cut me off because I have foolishly cultivated my brain while 
mj heels have rested idly in my boots." 

80 1 went on ! 



Chriswold Satinzes the Diahonest Boadnees MaxL 

The Fat Oontributot. 

'^111 tell you how it is," said old Perkins, of Boston, to a 
friend who was about to fail in business, ^^ you can make a 
fortune by going into bankruptcy, if your debts are only big 
enough. The more you owe, you know, the more you ipal* <>• 
Do you see ?" 

"No; I don't really see how I shall make money by losing 
it." said the unfortunate friend. " I owe enough, the Lord 



S88 wrr and humob. 

knows, if that's all you want, but how Vm ever to pay evezi 
fifty cents on the dollar, and have anything left to commenoe 
over again, is one of the things I can't see into." 

" But you don't want to pay your debts, man. Well, but 
you are a green 'un — that is too good. Pay ! Ha, ha I What 
are you going to fail for ? " 

^'Because I can't help it. Now, what are you laughing 
about?'* 

^^ I'm laughiDg because you don't seem to anderstand that 
you can't afford to fail in these hard times unless -you can 
make a snug thing out of it You mustn't plunge headlong 
into ruin, you know, with your eyes shut," said brother Per- 
kins, adjusting his diamond pin. 

"Mustn't IT' 

" No I Never do in the world. Have your wits about you. 
and keep your head claar. Don't let the trouble worry yov 
into fogging your brain with too much drink. Wouldn't do it 
at all. Keep your eye peeled and watch for the main chance.'' 

'* Yes — ^yes ; I see. But how, Mr. Perkins ? " 

" Well, first, you must appoint your own receiver, and be 
sure to select the stupidest man you can find. Get a man who 
don't know enough to drive a cow, and too lazy to add up a 
column of figures, even if he knows how. If you can find an 
Ignoramus that can't read, so much the better. Make him 
believe there ain't hardly anything to divide, and you can buj 
him off cheap. " 

"So, ho, that's the way, is it ? Go on, I'm learning fast." 

''If the man you get is green enough, and not too blamed 
awkward to stumble on to the true state of things accidentally, 
you won't have a bit of trouble. Divide with him right on the 
start, and " 

" But the creditors — ^what are they to do ? " 

"Them t The creditors I Oh I never mind them. You just 
take care of yourself. You can't take care of everybody when 
you fail; but take care of yourself, my boy, and if you fail 



SAUBS AND BIDIOULSL 829 

often enough youll die a millionaire. Fve tried it mjself, yon 
know. Look at me ! Failed eight times, and now I'm Presi* 
dent of two savings banks, and to-morrow Fm going to endow 
a theological seminary." 

And Brother Perkins consulted his magnificent stem-winder, 
and said it wa^ about time to go in and join Elder Mines and 
Deacon Oris wold to arrange about the $4,000 which the church 
had lent him for safe-keeping, 

Ijewis' Etatire on the PatrloUo Politlolan. 

He found half a dozen American freemen waiting for him 
when he reached his office yesterday morning. The first one 
admitted removed his hat and gave three cheers. 

*' What's that for? " asked the candidate. 

"It's for the triumph of principle over corruption — honesty 
over fraud — integrity over iniquity and wickedness. The free 
men are going to rally. ^' 

"How much do you want?'' asked the candidate, as he 
pulled out his wallet 

" There will be such a rally of honest electors as — ^" 

"How much?" 

"The homy handed sons of toil have become dis — ^ 

" How much, I say ? '* 

" Well, sir, I'll have to keep seven of the boys full of beei 
from now to election day, and I'm thinking that about ten — '' 

" Take it ; here it is. Good morning ; next ! " 

Tlie next entered with a cat-like tread, looked all around the 
room for listeners, and then, sinking his voice to a wliisper, he 
exclaimed : 

" Hush ! 'TIS the battle ciy of 10,000 freemen coming tc 
the rescue ! " 

"Will $2 be enough this morning?'' coldly inquired the 
candidate. 

" Toull get there by the lai|^t majority this county has 

16 



280 WIT AJSm HUMOR. 

erer seen? One part of my ward was going solid against you 
thinking ^^ — 

"HI make it $8." 

^^ But I crushed oat the opposition, and when the glorious 
son of Not. 7 gilds the spires and steeples, there will be such 
an uprising " — 

"Here's $4 — go 'long — don't bother me any more — big 
hurry — anybody else ?" 



little 



Twas Harry who the silence broke; 

^ Miss Kate, why are you like a tree? * 
** Because, because — ^I'm board," ohe spokeu 

** Oh, no, because you're woo'd," said hew 

^ Why are you like a tree I " she said ; 

^ I have a— heart ? " he asked, so low. 
Her answer made the young man red, 

^ Because you're sappy, don't you know ?* 

^Qnoe more,'' she asked, * why are you now 
A tree 7 " He couldn't quite perceive^ 

*TieeB leave sometimes, and make a bow« 
And you may also bow«-and leava** 



Satire on the Oonmiflrolal Traveler. 

*^Jb this seat engaged ? '^ he asked of the prettiest giil in the 
car, and, finding that it wasnH, he put his sample box in the 
rack and braced himself np for solid eiijoyment 

'' Pleasant day," said the girl, coming for him before he 
could get his tongue unkinked. '^ Most bewildering day, isn^ 
itJ" 

^^ F-yes, miss,'' stammered the drummer. He was in the 
habit of playing pitcher in this kind of a match, and the pom 
tion of catcher didn't fit him as tight as his pantaloons. 

"Nice weather for traveling," continued the girl, "much 
nicer than when it is cold. Are you perfectly comfortable?" 



fiATERB AND BIDIOULB. 981 

^^ Oh, jes, thanks,'' mnrmnred the drammer. 

"Glad of it," resumed the girl, cheerfully. "You don't 
.ook so. Let me put my shawl under your head, won't you ? 
/ladn't you rather sit next to the window and have nie describe 
the landscape to you 2 " 

"No, please," he murmured, "I am doing well enough." 

"Can I buy 9ome peanuts or a book ? Let me do something 
to make the trip happy ! Suppose I slip my arm around your 
waist I Just lean forward a trifle, please, so that I can ! " 

"You'll — ^youll have to excuse me," gasped the wretched 
drummer ; " I don't think you really mean it" 

"You look so tired," she pleaded ; " wouldn't you like to reBt 
your head on my shoulder } Ko one will notice. Just lay your 
bead right down and Fll tell you stories." 

"No, thanks I I won't today I Pm very comfoi table," and 
the poor drummer looked around helplessly. 
. " Your scarf-pin is coming out. Let me fix it There I " 
and she arrayed it deftly. " At the next station I'll get you a 
cup of tea, and when we arrive at our destination you'll let me 
call on you t " and she smiled an anxious prayer right into his 
pallid countenance. 

"I tliink I'll go away and smoke," said the drmnmer, and 
hauled down his gripsack and made a bolt for the door, knee* 
deep in the grins showered upon him by his fellow-passengers. 

" Strange t " murmured the girl to a lady in fix>nt of her. 
"I only did with him just what he was making ready to do 
with me, and big and strong as he is, he couldn't stand it I 
really think women have stronger stomachs than men ; besides 
that, there isn't any smoking-car for them to fly to for refuge^ 
I don't miderstand this thing. " But she settied back contentedly 
all the same ; and at a convention of drummers, held in the 
smoker that morning, it was unanimously resolved that that 
seat was engaged, as &r as they were concerned, for the balance 
of the season. 



' 282 wrr asd humob. 



Satire on Hirlnfir Servants in New Tork. 

Ladies who go to intelligence offices to employ servants, are 
often subjected to most impertinent questionmg on the part of 
the Irish chambermaids and cooks. They always want one 
afternoon out, the privilege of a front room to see beaux in, 
etc. Mrs. Perkins has been troubled so much with servants 
that Eli finally put the following satirical advertisement in the 
Herald. Strange to say, the advertisement was answered the 
next day by over 400 cooks : 

Cook Wanted — Lady. — A woman in respectable circum- 
stances, living 74 E. Seventy-sixth street, and who can give 
good references from the last lady who worked for her, wishes 
a situation as mistress over two young ladies to act in the 
capacity of cook and chambermaid. The advertiser has a hus- 
band and one child, but if the child is an objection, it will be 
sent out to board. The ladies who consent to enter into the 
alliance will have full management of the house. They will 
be allowed to employ an inferior person to assist them in doing 
their own washing and ironing, provided they will allow the 
advertiser to put m a few small pieces, such as collars, cuffs 
and baby clotnes. The advertiser will assist in the heavy 
work, such as wiping down the stairs, building fires, and such 
other Ipbor as may be considered unbecoming in a lady. A 
gentleman of color will be in attendance to wash door steps, 
scrub stairs, clean knives and dishes, carry water, and run on 
errands. The young ladiea will have Sundays and Saturday 
afternoons to themselves, and can use the back parlor for even- 
ing company during the week, provided the advertiser can use 
it in the morning. In case tiie young ladies desire to give a 
party, the advertiser, afl«r giving up the keys of the wine 
cellar and larder, will spend the nignt at the hotel. If the 
young ladiep hav*^ relatives, thev can supply them with flour, 
chickens ana vegetables from the common' larder. Presents 
will be exchanged on Christmas, and the young ladies can 
have a set of jewelry or a point lace underskirt on Easter 
morninff. 

Candidates will please send address to Mrs. Eli Perkins, 74 
E. Seventy-sixth street, when the advertiser wiU call on them 
with her recommendations and certificates of good character. 



0ATISE AlW UIDIOUIM. S88 



Buffene Field Etatirizee Railroacl Swlndlam. 

Ben-Ali-Sneezer, late one afternoon, 

Met Sheik-Bak-Gammon on old Horeb's mount. 

And thus he, in the language of the east, 

His multifarious hardships did recount: 

"0 Shiek, I bow me in the dust and mourn— 

For lo I whilst browsing on the fertile plain, 

Two of my choicest heifers &ir and fieit, 

Were caught in limbo and were duly slain 

By that infernal pest of recent birth, 

The half-past 8 accommodation train!'' 

Then quoth the Sheik : ** One of my whitest lambfl^ 
Which I did purpose soon to drive to town, 
While frisking o'er the distant flowery lea,^ 
Was by that self-same fatal train run down. 
Now, O Ben-Ali ! by the prophet's beard, 
What are we ruined shepherd-foik to do? 
Suppose we take our troubles into court; 
You swear for me, and I will swear for you ; 
And so, by mutual oaths it's posnible 
We may most hap'ly pull each other through.** 

Ben-Ali-Sneezer, some months after mec 

The Sheik Bak-Gammon, aud, inclined to sport, 

The two sat down upon a cedar stump 

To talk of their experiences in court 

Ben-Ali quoth : "Them cows was thin as rails ; 

Now that they're gone, it's mighty glad I am ! " 

Bak-Gammon said : " Now that the judgment's paid, 

I don't mind telling you that the slaughtered lamb. 

So &r from being what you swore in court, 

Was, by the great homed spoon, not worth a d ^I" 



Etatire on the i^noient Fables. 

Eugene Field, the original author of the modern fable series, 
18 one of tlie most versatile wits of the times. The following 
are specimens of his modem fables : 

An Impressario once Approached a Mule and olBTered him 
Advantageous Terms to become a Prima Donna. ^'AlasI" 
quoth the Mule, with a Sigh, ^^that is an Impossibility, for 



384 wrr aistd humob. 

ttiongh I have an Ear for Music mj Voice is Sadly Attoned.'' 
*'But you can Back?" inquired the Impressario. *' At kick- 
ing, " admitted the Mule, " I am Positively Peerless. " * * Then, " • 
exclaimed the Impressario, ^^you have the Highest Qualifica- 
tion of a Prima Donna. Consider yourself Engaged. '^ 

A Dog and his Tail fell into a Dispute as to which should Wag 
tiie Other. An itinerant Wasp passing that Way casually Be- 
marked : *^ Speaking of Tails, reminds me that I Possess one 
which May possibly be Influential enough to Wag you Both." 
This fable Teaches that ten cents worth of Dynamite is a bigger ' 
man than a Oiurch Steeple. 

Satire on the Old World's Btdns. 

(/hmi EU ParUn^ Leeturf in the Prtneetan OoBsge Ledwre Oaune in 1882L) 

My uncle Consider went to see the Prince of Wales while 
he was here. They had a long talk, the Prince and Consider 
did. 

**How do you like our coantry — ^America?" asked my 
uncle, as he held the Prince's hand tremblingly in his. 

" It is great, Mr. Perkins — ^g-r^a-t Europe with her 2,000 
, years of civilization only excels you in one thing." 

" What is that, your Highness ? " 

" Alas ! in her magnificent ruins, Mr. Perkins " 

" But, your Worshipful, we have a remedy for that Ton 
have old ruins in Germany and England, but we build our 
houses very shabbily, and we shall soon have ruins — s-p-1-e-n- 
d-i-d young ruins here, too. Look at Washington monument ! 
It looks like a y-o-u-n-g i-u-i-n now. (Laughter.) Go to Mount 
Vernon and see the crumbling tomb of the Father of our 
Country. Go to Princeton and see the sidewalks." 

"Yes, Mr. Perkins, I see the enterprize of you Americans 
on the ruin question, but you cannot quite compete with us 
yet You have the crumbling tomb of the Fatlier of your 
Oountiy but you have no Eenilworth ; you have Washington 



fiATOOB A3XD BIDIOUUB. S8S 

monament but yoa have no Pantheon — no OoIiBenm — no 
rained Senate Hall, no " 

^^Bnt jonr worshipftil has not seen all our roined halls. 
Yon have not seen onr magnificent rain of Tammany HaU. It 
is beaatifol to behold. It is the reward of virtue." * 

"Yes»*' continued my uncle, thoughtfully. "We have 
other and grander ruins than aU of these. We have the ruins 
of a standing army — we have the ruins of aristocracy and 
caste — ^we have the ruins of nullification and secession — ^and we 
have that still grander ruin, the ruin of human slavery. (Ap- 
plause.) 

"We have the ruins of that old feudal law of entail and pri- 
mogeniture — and we have the ruins of that stupendous policy 
of you old world despots, the divine right of kings ! " 

"Yes, Mr. Perkins," interrqpted the Prince, as he laid his 
hands on my uncle's shoulders and looked him straight in the 
fece — "and on these ruins you have reared your magnificent 
civilization. On these ruins you have reared a nation whose 
sublime progress makes Europe look like a pigmy ! 

"And this, "he continued, "is American Democracy. Alas!" 
he continued to mourn, "if we had more of your republican 
ruins — more ruins^ of slavery and despotism — more ruins of 
aristocracy in place of our ruined towers and Pyramids, 
Oathedrals and Coliseums, we would be better off ! " 



Burdette'B Satire on " The Home " in Weekly NewsxMkpers. 

Several newspapers, like the Detroit JF'ree Pre»% and Chicago 
TrQmne^ have established a ladies' page in their Saturday's 
edition, where all sorts of communications are printed from 
lady subscribers. As a satire on this the EmohEye estab- 
lished what it calls "The Mushery." Under this heading 
there recently appeared the following letters in the Hcmh-E^x 



286 Wfr AND HUHOB. 

THE MUSHEBY. 

From Mvnme May^ Aledo^ lU. — Can any of the nnm6^ 
0U6 contributors to '^The Mushery ^' tell me how I can make a 
rag carpet out of two pairs of old pantaloons, a linen vest, and 
an old flannel night-gown, so it will cover a room fourteen by 
sixteen feet? And how can I make a rag carpet so that it 
;^annot be detected from body Brussels \ 

From Henry 8. T., Peoria, — I would like to exchange 
jack-knives, sight unseen, with any contributor to ^^The 
Musheiy." I have also a fine, large meat-hound, well trained 
to look into the kitchen-door and dive for biscuit, that I will 
exchange for fiEtrm property in Nebraska. 

From Jennie JesBomvme^ Mov/ni Pleascmty la. — Can the 
editor of "The Mushery '^ or any of its contributors tell me 
where to find that beautiM poem by Herbert Algernon 
L'Awrenoe, in which occurs the tenderly charming lines : 
** Oh, sweetling, sweetest of the sweetly sweet^ 

FroTh Bluebdlj Mormumth^ lU, — I see that another "young 
mother" in "TheMushery" complains that her baby is suf- 
fering with a sore mouth, and that no medicine that she has used 
does any good. I used the following perscription for our little 
"Daisy.'' it was given me by an aged widow lady who has 
had great experience with children : Take equal parts of 
burnt alum, burnt borax, nutmeg, loaf sugar, burnt leather, 
oil of cloves, powdered chalk, ground ginger, burnt fiannel, 
teaspoonful of goose-grease, common salt, a little white-wine 
vin^ar and a pinch of snuff. Rub on in a dry powder with a 
stiff tooth-brush. 

From Honegt John TTiompsonj Muscatine^ Ia.--^1 would 
like to learn how to paint in water colors and oil in six weeks 
without a master. Cannot some of the contributors to "The 
Mushery '^ tell me how I can do this ? 

Fliny C. ElderMn, lort Madison, wntes : I tenderly love 
4i beautiful girl who lives back near the hill in the house witli 



9AXSEE AND BIOIOULB. 387 

the new porch. Oan any one tell me what will take fresh 
paint stains out of the foundation of a pair of broaddoth 
pants) 

l^rom JUrs. A. Z. O., Otimimjoa. — What will take ink stains 
out of the face of a postage stamp} 

From Eleanor Jddreth^ Oaleshvrg, — Can any of the liter- 
ary people of **The Mushery" tell me who is author of 
Milton's "Paradise Lost?" 

From Myrtle May^ Oqucmha, — How do you dye a pair of 
black kids white, when you want to wear them to a wedding 
two days after you go to a funeral. 

Lewis' Satire on Dlvoroe Law. 

They were in to see a divorce lawyer yesteraay — Mary 
Ann and her mother. Mary Ann wes a little embarrassed, 
but the old woman was calnL When they spoke about a 
breach-of-promise case the lawyer asked : 

"What evidence have you got ? " 

"Mary Ann, produce the letters," commanded the mother, 
and the girl took the cover off a willow basket and remarked 
that she thought 927 letters would do to begin on. The other 
651 would be produced as soon as the case was fairly before 
the court 

" And outside of these letters ? " queried the lawyer. 

" Mary Ann, produce your diary," said the mother. " Now 
torn to the heading of ' Promises,' and tell how many times 
this marriage business was talked over." 

"The footing is 214 times," answered the girL 

'* Now turn to the heading of ' Darling,' and give us the 
number of times he has applied the term to you.'* 

'* If I have figured right, the total is 9,254 times. '^ 

*' I guess you counted pretty straight, for you are good in 
arithmetic. Now turn to the heading of ^ Woodbine Cottage^' 



S8S WIT AHD HUMOB. 

and tell ns bow many times he has talked of snch a home fix 
yon after marriage." 

'' The footing is 1,395 times.'' 

"Very welL This lawyer wants to be sure that we've 
got a case. How many times has Charles Henry said he 
would die for you ? " 

''Three hundred and fifty," answered the girl as she turned 
cvver a leaf. 

^' How many times has he called you an angel t" 

♦*Over 11,000, mamma." 

'* How about squeezing hands t ^ ' 

" Over 884,000 Siiueezes." 

"And kisses?" 

"Nearly 417,000." 

^^ There's our caser,^^ said the mother, as she deposited basket 
and diary on the lawyer's table. *^ Look over the documents, 
and if you want anything further I can bring in a dozen neigh- 
bors to swear to facts. We sue for $10,000 damages, and 
we don't settle for less than an eighty-acre farm, with build- 
ings in good repair. We'll call again next week. Good- 
day, sir!" 

Satire on the Growtb of Ailstooracy. 

^ EU Perhins. 

His name was Ezra Green, Jr. He was a high-toned New 
York Englishman, and he turned and cast upon me an " im- 
perial look." 

" I disdain a Yankee," he said in scorn. 

I thought this was queer when I remembered that his fa£her 
and mother still live on Second Avenue — over there where the 
Fifth Avenue fellows go to flirt with the girls Sunday after^ 
noons. 

Alas! Ezra's father was once a tailor on Avenue II. Time 
passed, and this respectable tailor grew to be a 

MERCHANT 
TAILOR 



8ATIHB Ain> BIDIOUUL 239 

More time went on. Providence prospered Ezra, and his 
eoats fit welL He spent much of his feeble income in im 
proved signs. One day I saw a flashy painter paint these 
letters over his door : 

I ^ Ezra Gbbbn, • 

i MEBCHANT Tailor and IMPORTEB. • 

• • 

More time skipped along, the tailor moved up town, and I 
saw .Emi raise the imperial arms of England and France op 
each end of his sign. Then it read, in bright gilt letters — 



• 



: ' En^ih ' : ^ <^REEN, IMPOBTER, : • ^i^^^d^ 
:..^fl?^...: Paeis, London, Nkw York. :..^f!^.. 



Alast the poor ^^ tailor" became smaller and smaller, until 
it faded entirely away — and still Ezra made clothes. 

One day a retired Broadway merchant saw the imposing 
•«ign, and, stepping in, innocently asked Ezra the price of 
'^ exchange on London.'^ 

^^The price of the which?" inquired Ezra, sticking his 
shears behind his ears. 

'^ O ! I am mistaken. You do not do bank business ? " 

Ezra said he made clothes for a good many bankers, but tlie 
Broadway merchant slid away as if ashamed of his mistake. 

Fortune smiled upon Ezra, affluence gilded his destiny, and 
his clothes wore well. He rode in a liveried Landaulet, trav- 
eled in foreign climes, reveled with the nobility in palaces 
without expending a cent outside for patching his pants. His 
career was happy and glorious abroad, and his breeches never 
ripped at home. 

And now Ezra, Jr., has become a great swell. He is the 
Dude of Dudes. He has a corner house on Fifth avenue, is 
President of the Polo club, drives a tandem team at Newport 
and every night he adorns the front proscenium box at the 



840 Wir ASD HUMOB. 

opera. He deepiaes labor so much that when his coat loses a 
button he goes into the clothes press where no mortal eye can 
see him and — sews it on. 
Yirtne is its own reward. Alas — alas I 



Satirical Banking Roles. 

> 

The following rules used in the 2d National Bank, New York, 
are recommended to the attention of those who do business at 
all banks. They will be the means of saving a great deal of 
time and annoyance — ^by not following them : 

If you have any business with a bank, put it off untQ two 
o'clock, or, it it is possible, a little later, as it looks more busi- 
ness-like to rush in \ust as the bank is closing. 

In depositing money, try tO get it upside down and wrong 
end foremost, so that the teller may have a little exercise in 
straightening it up before counting it 

It is best not to take your b^nk-book with you, but call at 
another time to have it entered. You can thus make two trips 
to the bank where one would answer. 

If a check is made payable to your order, be careful not to 
indorse it before handing it to the teller, but let him return it 
to you and wait while you indorse it ; this helps to pass the 
time, and is a pleasure and relief to the teller. 

You can generally, save time when making a deposit by 
counting your money down to the teller, as you can nearly 
always count more speedily and correctly than he can. 

When you make a deposit do not use a deposit ticket, but 
mix indiscriminately together, checks and bills, since it facili- 
tates matters exceedingly. 

If you make a deposit of one hundred dollars, and give a 
check for fifty dollars, it is a good tiling to call frequently at 
the bank and ask how your account stands, as it impresses the 
officers &yorably with your business qualifications. 



aATIBB AKD SnUOULB. 241 

I 

Neyer keep any record when jour notes fall dne, and then 
if they are protested, censure the bank tor not giving you 
notice. 

Always date your checks ahead, it is a never-faiiing sign 
that you keep a good balance in bank, or if you do not wish it 
generally known that you are doing a good business, do not 
deposit your money until about the time you expect your check 
will be in. 

A strict observance of the foregoing . rules will make youi 
accounts desirable for any bank, and will make you a general 
fiavorite with all the bank offioer& 

sni on the Bear. 

Coming up from Broad street in the cars yesterday, I met a 
poor, disconsolate Wall Street broker. His heart seemed 
broken, and his face was a picture of despair. I had been 
usher at his wedding a few months before, when he seemed the 
picture of happiness ; so, smiling, I asked : 

*' Why, Charles, what has happened ; what makes you look 
so sad?" 

"Oh, Eli ! " he sighed, ** I am all broken up. I have met 
with a dreadfiil misfortune." 

*' What is it, Charley ? " I asked sympathetically. 

'* O, Eli 1 Nellie, my dear Mrife, is dead ! " and thex* he 
broke down. Pretty soon he continued : ' * Yes, Pm all 
broken up. I don't take any interest in anything now. My 
mind is constantly with my poor angel wife. I dream of her 
all the time — in the morning and at night, and — ^by the way, 
Eli, how did you say Erie closed to-night ? " 

" Erie is down, and they are ' all off,' Charley." 

**Well, that's cheering," he sobbed, *'forwhenIgot *short' 
of Nellie, I went * short' of the whole market, and it's very 
consoling in my grief to find things looking so cheerfol in the 
street" 



242 WIT AISTD HUMOR. 



Lewis' Amerloan Fable& 



A Peasant who had often heard that Trath was a Jewel 
lying at the bottom of a well, one day descended into his well 
to search for the treasure. He skinned his knees and elbows, 
barked his nose, run an old fork into his foot, and shivered 
around for six long hours before his wife drew him up and 
asked: 

" What in Goodness name were you doing down there ? " 

"Looking for Truth." 

"Why, I could have told you before you went down that 
yon were the biggest fool in America ! " 

Moral. — ^Yon can get more Troth than yon want around any 
well-curb. 

SQi PerklnB' Satire on the Old-Tlme Kentiioky QentlemaiL 

A gendetaan is a mysterious being down in Kentucky. Pre 
often heard Kentuckians say, ^-By Gad, sah, Tm a gentle- 
man I " but I never knew what it meant till to-day. The derk 
of the Kentucky hotel met ^e passengers at the cars. He was 
soUdting customers for the hotd. He was a ponderous man, 
and a handsome man, too, as 9x^ all Kentuddans. He did 
not shout rodely, as do Northern porters : 

" Burnett House I Carriage ! " 

** Palmer House I Free 'bus ! " 

He simply walked up as if you were the guest of the dty, 
and remarked : 

^^Sah, I should be glad to show you to a hotel, sah ; th^ 
finest in the dty — the Palace, sah I Fm a gen'leman, sah, 
and I will treat you right" 

I hesitated a little about handing my portmanteau to a seedy- 

looking menial to carry, when the landlord said : 

'' Let him carry it, sah. He^s a genleman; he^U take good 
care of it, sah; perfectly safe, sah.'* 



AATIBB ASm BIDIOULB. S4S 



44 
44 



Yes,'' remarked the landlord as we walked np the hill, 
that man carrying your bag is a gen'lemaa. sah. Why^ sah, 
he was once worth $200,000 ; had seventy niggers and 700 
acres of the best bine-grass land in Kentucky/' 
" What became of it, sir ! " I asked. 
^^ Drank it all np, sah. Fast horses, and fast women and 
whisky got away with it all, sah. And poker had a heap to 
do with it, too. That man lost $4,000 and a 2 : 20 horse in one 
night Oh. sah, he's got gen'lemanly instincts, he has, sure's 
yer bo'ne. He's poor, and ragged, and dirty, and bloated 
with whisky, and all falling to pieces like — a perfect wreck, 
but he's a gen^eman I He won't steal your carpet-bag I " 

White's Satire on Modem Love Stories. 

One evening when Lucy's papa had come home from the 
office and eaten his supper, he went into the parlor and planted 
himself on the sofa. After he had been there a little while he 
noticed that Lucy did not come in and make a break at the 
piano, as was her custom. This puzzled the old gentleman 
greatly, but he was very happy, because the parents of girls 
who play the piano usually feel like taking an axe to that in- 
strument But pretty soon Lucy entered the room and began 
telling her papa how much she loved him, and how dark and 
cheerless her life would be in case he should be called above. 

Tliis sort of talk made her papa feel rather solemn, for he 
had been to the races a good deal and would occasionally go 
out with the boys, and when a man gets on the shady side of 
60 he doesn't particularly care to have people lug the "Sweet 
By and By " into their conversation. But pretty soon Lucy 
placed her lily-white hand on her papa's brow and began to 
smooth his hair, saying how glad it would make her if she 
oould only smooth the furrows of care that time had placed 
there. Then she artfully shifted the subject, and spoke of how 
oold the weather was getting and what lovely sealskin sacqnes 



214 WIT JiX[D HUMOS. 

she had seen in the store windows down town that afternoon. 

Then her papa saw what she was up to, and dropped on 
hunself. So, by the time Lucy got around to that part of her 
talk where she put her arms around his neck and kissed hinu 
and asked him to buy her a sealskin, he had neatly arranged 
his lie. He told her of how poor the crops had been, and 
that trade was in a very dull state because of the unceitainty 
as to what office Ben Butler would want next, and sung such a 
song that Lucy began to think she was lucky to have a place 
to sleep in and a pair of heavy shoes for the winter. 

"No, my child^" he said, "I cannot think of spending three 
himdred dollars for a sealskin sacque when times are so. hard." 
And Lucy said that she was sorry she had mentioned the sub- 
ject, and went away feeling quite sorry for her papa. 

Soon after she had left the room her big brother came in. 
*'I saw that horse you were talking about," he said to his papa. 

"Did you?" asked the old gentleman. " How fast can he 
go?- 

"iVo-thirty," replied the big brother, "and $1,000 will buy 
him." • 

Bising quickly from the sofa, Lucy's papa wrote a check and 
handed it to his son. "Go and close the trade tonight," he 
said, "and tomorrow afternoon I will make some of these peo- 
ple that think they own trotters look like hired men." 

So you see, children, that some papas think more of beating 
itwo-forty than they do of making an only daughter happy. 



The Honest Book A^nt. 

AOanto OmaUtvOon. 

"We had better understand each other,'' he said, deprecat- 

ingly, as he shambled into the editorial room, "before we 

begin. Tm a book agent" 

Unmindful of.the groan that met this statement he went on: 

" I am not a white-haired philanthropist from "NTew Haven, 

who has oome south through sympathy for your strioken people. 




rmftJUi, Mi<uu«,t«ld>bMuiedbooka8aitt." (SMpifeMD 



24ft SATIEB AND BXDIOUUL 

Fm a fiEur, square, bald-headed book agent" Enconniged bj 
the reception of this frank avowal, he took a seat, aod, drop 
ping his feet in a waste-basket, said : 

*' Fm not a retired dergyman, who seeks to scatter religious 
instmction while he builds up his womout frame in your balmy 
dime. I'm not an apostle of art, who has consented to seek 
your benighted region, and educate your people by parting 
with a few picture books in parts. I'm not a temperance 
lecturer from Bangor, who pays expenses by dispensing of lit- 
erature on commission while he regenerates the rum-sucker. 
I'm not all of these— nor either. Fm an unmodified book 
agent, with none of the comers rounded, running on cheek in 
pursuit of tin. " 

^^ Here's candor, at least," remarked the young man wh<2 
writes the. puffs of hardware stores. 

^' Yes, candor at best Fm not a gilded sham. Tou dont 
pick me up for aprincein disguise, or art or morality gdlng 
mcog. I do not fly the skull and cross-bones hid behind a hol- 
iday flag till Fye grappled and boarded you. Fye got the 
regular old death's head nailed to the mast, and Fm a pirate 
fix)m keel to centre-board, and if you don't want that sort ot 
company blow me out of the water. " 

He had the whole force on deck at this point 

"I've got no off-hand preamble to my bloody work. I do 
not lead you through flowery paths of ease to where I've got the 
the trap sprung. I do not beguile with an anecdote, inspire 
with eloquence, soothe with persuasion, or pique with local 
gossip. I was not directed to you as a leader of culture or a 
person who'd be likely to buy. I won't show you a list of 
high-toned decoys who have put their names down to get rid 
of me and to draw you in. I don't show the work I^m selling, 
and I've never been able to learn the idiot's soliloquy jthat 
explains the pictures." 

Here he paused while the manager called for the cash boy. 

'^That's about the size of me and my business. The bool^a 



WIT ASD HUMOB. 246 

ri^t here — ^flftyparts, 50 cents a part, plenty o' pictares and 
big lype for the reading, written by somebody or other, and 
means $10 dear to me every time I work one off. Do you 
take, or do I go t " 

By tliis time eleven copies of the first part were ordered, and 
the ^eleven able' resaified their work, while the office boy 
indites this tribute to a man who ain't ashamed of his little 
racket 

Sni Perkinci^ Dudes. 

There are three kinds of dudes in New York. There is the 

Inanimate rich dude who don't want to do a thing on earth 

but exhibit himself. Then there is the poor dude, who dresses 

like the rich dude, and who wants to marry a rich girl and 

board with her mother, and, lastly, Iiere is the wicked dub 

house dude, who wastes his rich tatiiv/^ money, and then 

marries four or five rich women, kQls them off and lives off of 

their estates. 

2%e Poor Dvde. 

The poor dnde wears the same one-barrelled eyeglass that 
the rich dude does. He wears apparently the same high col- 
lar, the same peaked-toed shoes, with drab tops, the same 
English topcoat and the same embroidered kids, but when you 
examine them closely they all prove to be an inferior imitP.tion, 
made on Sixth avenue. The poor dude don't have rooms at 
Delmonioo's. He rents a hall bedroom and eats when he is 
invited. He goes to the opera on $l-stand-up-tickets, and then 
goes and visits some rich young lady who is sitting in a $20 
box. They always go to parties as escorts, the poor dudes do, 
and let some rich young lady find the carriage. 

I knew a poor New York dude whose pet theory for years 
has been to marry a rich orphan girl with a bad cough — ^with 
the consumption. One day he came into my room almost 
heartbroken. 

"My pet theory is exploded, Eli," he said. "I am dis- 



211 BATIBB AKD BIDIOULE. 

couraged. I want to die/' Then the tears rolled down his 
cheek. 

^^ What is it, Oharley t O, what has happened f '^ I asked. 

^^Ohoooo, Eli,'' he sobbed, and then he broke down. 

^ ^ Bat what is it, Charley f Oonfide in me,^' I said, my heart 
almost breaking in sympathy with hia bereavement 

^^ Well, my friend, my dear friend, I will tell yon ali abont 
it" 

Then he leaned forward, took my hand tremblingly in his, 
and told me his sad, sad story. 

**The other day, Eli,'' he said, " I met a very rich yonng 
lady — ^the rich Miss Astor from f^fth ayenne. She was very 
wealthy — ^wore laces and diamonds — bnt, alas I she didn't have 
any cough to go with them. She bad piles of money, but no 
sign of a cough — ^no qnick consumption— jnst my hick ! " 

Then he buried his face in his hands. He wept long and 
loud. 

<^ What else, Ohariey ? " I asked, after he had returned to 
consciousness. 

^^ Well, yesterday, Eli, I met a beautiful young lady from 
Chicago. She was frail and delicate — ^had just the cough I 
wanted — a low, hacking, musical cough. It was just sweet 
music to listen to that girl's cough. I took her jeweled hand 
in mine and asked her to be my bride ; but, alas I in a fatal 
moment I learned that she hadn't any money to go with her 
oough, and I had to give her up. I lost her, O, I lost her I " 

And then the hot scalding tears trickled through his fingers 
Qi^d rolled down on his patent leather boots. 

Sad lie/lectiona^ 

A kind old fiither-in-law on Madison avenue, who Is sup- 
porting four or five poor dudes as sons-in-law, went down to 
see Barnum's Feejee cannibals. 

*' Why are they called cannibals P^^ he asked of Mr. Barnum. 



Wir ASD HUMOB* 



^'Because they live off of other people,'^ replied the great 
ehowman. 

' Oh, I see," replied the unhappy father-in-laWe '' Alas I 
my four dude sons-in-law are cannibals, too— they live off of 
me.'' 

Eli PerklziB' Rioh Dade. 

The rich and wicked New York dudes ! 

I do not mean the harmless Fifth avenue dude — the dude 
who sits like a plaster cast around the swell Knickerbocker 
Qub. I do not mean the dawdling dude, who wears the high 
collar, the English top-coat, the tight trousers, and the lemon- 
colored gaiter tops. I mean the wicked dude — a brother ot 
the simple dude. 

Who are these wicked dudes ? 

Why, New York city is full of them. They have rich 
fathers ; they drive their father^s horses ; their fathers are 
stockholders in the Academy, and the boys occupy the seats. 
'Pheir mission is to spend their father's money and live like 
barnacles on his reputation. They don't know how to do any- 
thing useful, and they don't have anything useful to do. They 
come into the world to be supported. They are social and 
financial' parasites. A poor dude does the best he can, but 
these fellows do the worst they can. 

Rich girls "go for" them on acooant of their rich fitthers. 
They marry them, have a swell wedding, and then spend a 
lifetime mourning that they did not marry a brave, strong, 
working fellow, who would have felt rich in their affections, 
and who, with a little help from father-in-law, would have 
hewn his way to wealtli and position. 

Hides for Jfakinff Rich Dvdes. 

Below I give ten car^Mnal rules, ^vhich, if followed, will 
make a rich dude out oi any brainless son of a rich father. 
Any young New Jersey Stockton, Kentucky Ward or Massa* 



d49 aATDUB AHD BIDIOUUL 

I 

chnsetts Lawrence — yes, any Darnphool Bepublican Prince of 
Wales can cany oat these simple rules, and thus attain to the 
glorious position of a rich dude. If carried out they will pro- 
duce the same result nine times out of ten. I have seen them 
tried a thousand times. 

Bvles. 

First If your father is rich or holds a high position socially 
— and you are a good-for-nothing, dissipated darnphool of a 
swell,, without sense or character enough to make a living, pay 
your addresses to some rich girl— and marry her, if you can. 

Second Go home and Uye with her father, and magnani- 
mously spend her money. Keep up your flirtations around 
town just the same. Gamble a little, and always dine at the 
dubs. 

Third. After yon wife has nursed you through a spell of 
sickness, and she looks languid and worn with anxiety, tell 
her, like a high-toned gentleman, that she has grown plain- 
looking; then scold her a little and make love to her maid. 

Fourth. If your weary wife objects, I'd insult her — tell her 
yon won't be tyrannized over. Then come home drunk onoe 
or twice a week and empty the coal-scuttle into the piano, and 
pour the kerosene lamps over her Saratoga trunk and into 
baby's cradle. When she cries I'd twit her about the high 
(hie) social position of my own (hie) family. 

Fifth — If, weary and sick and heartbroken, she finally asks 
for a separation, I'd blacken her character — deny the paternity 
of my own children — ^get a divorce myself. Then by wise 
American law you can keep all her money, and, while she 
goes back in sorrow to her father, you can magnanimously 
peddle out to her a small dowry from her own estate. 

Sixth — If she asks you — audaciously asks you — ^for any of 
her own money, tell her to go to the dev — devil (the veiy one 
she has come to). 

Sevendi — Now Td keep a mistress and a poodle dgg, and 



Wrr AKD HUlfOB. 



260 



ride np to the park with them in a gilded landanlet every 
afternoon. While this miserable, misguided woman will be 
trodden in the dast by society you can attain to the heights of 
modem chivalry by leading at charity balls in public and 
breeding bull pups and coach dogs at home. 

£ighth — After you have used up your wife's last money in 
dissipation, and brought your father's gray hairs down in 
sorrow to the grave, I'd get the delirium tremens and shoot 
myself. This will create a sensation in the newspapers and 
cause every other rich dude to call you high-toned and chiv- 
alrous. 

Ninth — Then that poor angel wife, crushed in spirit, tried 
m the crucible of adversity, and purified by the beautifiil ''Do- 
unto-others " of the Christ<5hild, wiU go into mourning, and 
build with her last money a monument to the memory of the 
man who crushed her bleeding heart 



8ACBBD TO THB MXMORT 



OF 



J. LAWRENCE DUDE. 



Died May 12, 1886. 



He was a kind father and 
indulgent husband. He al* 
ways indulged himself. 

• 

" The pure in spirit shall see 
God." 

He wore the tightest iroos- 
ers, the peakedest shoes, and 
the highest collar on the block. 



Thb Dudb's Monument. 



251 aATDEB AND SIDIOUI& 

19 and 26. 

Below I give the diary of two days in the life of a Nem 
Vork coquette. At nineteen 8lie is honest, lovable and inno- 
cent Seven years after she becomes a heartless woman ot 
the worldi a bZaae flirt. 

HER DIABT — 1888. 

May i, 1883. —Nineteen today — and I'm too happy to 
4ve I How lovely the park looked this morning. How 
gracefully the swans swam on the lake, and how the yellow 
dandelions lifted up their yellow faces — all smiles ! 

Albert — dear Albert — passed mamma and me, and bowec* 
so gracefully ! Manmia frowned at him. O, dear I I am not 
quite happy. 

Last night my first ball, and Albert was there. Four timep 
he came, and I let him put his name on my card — then 
mamma frowned savagely. She said I ought to be ashamed 
to waste my time with a poor fellow like Albert Sinclair. 
Then she brought up old Thompson, that horrid rich old 
widower, and I had to scratch Albert's name off. When 
Albert saw me dancing with Thompson the color came to hid 
cheeks, and he only just touched the ends of my fingers in 
the grand chain. 

O, dear, one of Albert's little fingers is worth more than 
old Thompson's right arm. How stupidly old Thompson 
talked, but mamma smiled all the time. 

Once she tipped me on the shoulder, and said in a low, 
harsh voice, ^'Be agreeable, Lizzie, for Mr. Thompson is a 
great catch." Then Thompson, the stupid old fool, tried to 
talk like the young fellows. He told me I looked " stunning," 
said the ball was a ^^ swell " affair, and then asked me to ride 
up to the park in his four-horse drag. Bah ! Mother says I 
must go, but, 0, dear, I'd rather walk two blocks with Albert 
than ride ten miles in a chariot with the old dyed whiskers. 



Wrr ASD fiUMOB. ^62 

After sapper such an event took place. Albert joined me, 
and after- a lovely waltz we wandered into the conservatory 
and had a nice confidential chat together. It is wonderful 
how we both like the same things. He admires the beauti* 
fill moon — so do I. I love the stars, and so does he I We 
both like to look out of the open window, and we both like to 
be near each other — that is, I know I do. Albert dotes on 
Longfellow, and, O, don't 1 1 I like Poe, and so does Albert, 
and the little tears fairly started (but Albert didn't see them) 
when he repeated softly in my ear : 

** For the znooD never beams, withoutbringing me dieamB^ 
Of my beautiful Annabel Lee ; 
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes 
Of my beautlAil Annabel Lee," 

«— and a good deal more besides, about love and the sounding 
sea. Then Fannie Carter, who is in my class at Mrs. Hoff< 
man's, came by with Will Mason, and sat right down in the 
next window. 1 do believe she loves him I 

What a nice, sensible talk Albert and I had ! First, we 
began talking about the soul — how destiny sometimes bound 
two souls together by an invisible chain. Then we considered 
the mission of man and woman upon the earth — how they 
ought to comfort and support each other in sickness and in 
health. And then Albert quite startled me by asking me if I 
had ever cared for any one. And when I said " T«s, papa 
and mamma,'' he laughed, and said he did not mean them, and 
then I felt quite hurt, and the tears would come into ^y eyes, 
for I do love mamma, even if she does make me dance with 
that horrid old Thompson, with his dyed whiskers. 

Tben Albert leaned his face toward mine. I felt his mua< 
tache almost touch me as he whispered such mw words in 
my ear. He told me how he had longed for an opportunity 
to speak to me alone, how — and then I was so happy, for J 
knew be was going to say jiomething very nicc^ indeed — 



253 BATIBB AND BIDIOUUL 

when ma^ with that dreadful old widower, came along and 
interrapted us. 

^^Oome, Lizzie, yon go ^^th Mr. Thompson, for I want to 
present Mr. Sinclair to Miss Brown,'' and then ma — O, dear! 
she took Albert and presented him to the girl that I hate worst 
of anybody in school. I didn't see Albert again, for when he 
came aroand, ma said, ^^ Lizzie, it looks horrible to be seen 
dancing with Albert Sinclair all the evening. Yon ought to 
be ashamed of yourself." 

O, dear, I look like a fright — ^I know I do, but I do hope I 
shall look better when I see Albert on the avenue tomorrow. 
Let's see — I wonder if he won't write to met But I'll see him 
when he walks up from business tonight-maybe. 

HER DIABY — 1890. 

Jfay 1, 1890. — Out again last night What a horrible boro 
parties are ! I hate society. Kew York women are so prud- 
ish, with their atrocious high-neck dresses, and the fellows are 
so wretchedly slow. O, dear I Everything goes wrong, li I 
hadn't met Bob Munroe, who took us to the MaMUe and the 
Alhambra, oa the other side last summer, I'd 'a' died. Bob's 
double entendre rather startled the poky Kew York girb, 
though. Gracious, they ought to hear the French hea/ux talk I 
They do make such a fuss about our Paris deooUetS dresses. 
Why, Bessie Brown wore a dress at a Queen's Drawing Room 
with hardly any body on at all — and she had that same^dress 
on last night Of course I could not stand any chance with 
her, for deooUete dresses do take the fellows so. But I'll be on 
hand next time. 

Young Sinclair, with whom I used to "spoon*' years ago, 
was there — ^and married to Fannie Carter, my old classmate. 
Pshaw ! she is a poky, old, highnecked, married woman now* 
and Sinclair — ^well, they say that he was almost broken-hearted 
at my conduct— ^that he drank, and then reformed and joined 
the church, and is now a leading clergyman. Well, Pm glad 



Wrr ANT) HUMOS. 25-4 

ffinclair bcieame a preacher. I always knew black would be- 
come his complexion. What if I should go and hear him 
preach, flirt with him a little, and get his poky old wife 
jealons ! Goodness ! but don't he look serious, though ! 
There's a glass — gracious ! I'm as pale as a ghost ! There's 
no use of my trying to dress without rouge. I do wish they 
would learn how to put on pearl white here — why, every 
wrinkle shows through. Then I do wish New York fellows 
would learn how to dance ! — ^that atrocious galop upset my 
pads, and I had to leave in the middle of the dance to arrange 
things. Old Thompson is dead, died single — ^but his brother, 
the rich whiskey man, was there, and gracious I it was fon to 
dance with him after he had taken in his usual two bottles of 
champagne. He turned everything — ^the landers, polka, ana 
all — into the Virginia red. That's Bob Monroe's pun. But 
after we got through dancing, didn't I have a flirtation with 
Old Thompson No. 2 while Albert Sinclair was helping mother 
to some refreshments I Dear old thing, she don't bother me 
in my conservatory flirtation any more. Well, Old Thompson 
No. 2 got quite affectionate — ^wanted to kiss my hand, and 
when I let him he wanted to kiss me ! The old wretch — ^when 
he's got a wife and three daughters. But I had my fun — I 
made him propose conditionally — that is, if Mrs. Thompson 
dies ; and I tell ma then I'm going to be one of our gay and 
dashing young wives with an old fool of a husband — and 
plenty of lovers. O, dear ! I'm tired and sleepy, and I do 
believe my head aches awftilly, and it's that abominable cham- 
pagne. What goosies Fannie Carter and Albert Sinclair have 
made of themselves I What fun can she have with the men i 
O, dear I 

Ridicule 

MeMBe D. London, AJL 

Bidlcule* is pure wit It consists in exaggerating man's 
statement or argument so as to make it appear absurd or ridio- 

*8ee CShApter on Hmnot 



266 AATEBB ASP SIDIOULB. 

nloTUL ISdicnle Is the strong weapon of the lawyer. Ingersoll 

ridicules orthodoxy by overdrawing pictures of ortliodoxy. For 

instance, Ingersoll takes the Christian church of 800 years ago, 

when the people of England and Spain were semi-barbarous — 

when every man went round encased in armor, with a spear in 

one hand and a battle-axe in the other — when lecherous 

Henry the YIII was boring Christian eyes out in England and 

the Spanish inquisitorial kings were quartering Christians in 

Spain. I say he takes the church of the barbarous inquisition 

and puts it down in front of our young men of today. Then 

he points to a Catholic partisan boring a real Christianas eyes 

out, and says, '^Now, young men, do you want to belong to 

any* such shaky old church as that P He even makes us laugh 

at that old church. He ridicules it. Then he says that is the 

present ehuieh^ and wants you to laugh at the church of today. 
« « « • • • 

To ridioole a man's ideas you simply want to exaggerate 
them. That is the way Ingersoll ridicules Christianity. To 
illustrate how yon can ridicule a man's false ideas : 

One day I met Oeoige Francis Train in Madison square, 8m> 
rounded by children. Dr. Hammond had told me that ridicule 
was an infallible test for insanity — ^that if a man got mad at a 
harmless joke, a joke with no animus in it, it was a pretty sure 
sign of insanity. 

^^Do you see these hands?" commenced Oeorge, as he always 
does. ^' See the blood run into them. There's health for 
you I All this comes fi*om vegetable diet, sir. No meat for 
me. I eat nothing bat vegetables. Vegetables make muscle, 
sinew, strength, manhood'' 

*' Yes, George," I said, " you're right Meat is we^ening. 
I always notice all the strong animals live on vegetables. 
There's the weak lion and the tender panther, they live on 
vegetables ; and there's the sturdy sheep, the hardy goose, the 
ravage calf, the wild and ravenous jackass, they live on meat 
entirely. They—" 



WIT AKD HXTMOK 256 

'* It ftlways makes me mad to talk to an iniernal f ool/^ said 
Train, coloring up, while he turned on his heel and left in. a 
huff. 

Then I knew Oteorge Frauds was insana 

To sh'ow you how you can always ridicule a man, when yon 
cannot answer him, I will tell you a tittle incident whidi Mr. 
Lewis says happened down in a Mississippi railroad eating 
house : 

Among the passengers who rushed in from the train to get 
a twenty-nunutes dinner was a fault-finding gentleman, who, 
as usual, had made his mind up to say something unpleasant 
when he came to pay for his meaL He was growling wnen he 
went in and he growled all the while he was eating, and when 
he slouched up to the desk to pay his seventy-five cents he 
broke out with : 

^'Them sandwiches are enough to kQl a dog t* 

*^What sandwiches S'^^ 

**Why, them on the tabia'' 

^^But we have no sandwiches on the table, sir,'' (Mrotested 
the landlord. ^ 

^^ You havent t Well, I should like to know what you call 
them roasted brick-bats on that blue platter t " 

" Ton didn't try to eat one of those I " 

**Tes,Idid!'' 

^^Then, my Mend, you had better go for a doctor at once t 
Those are table ornaments, made of terrarcotta, and were 
placed there to help fill up space ! Land o' cats t but you must 
have lived in a cane-brake all your life ! '' 

The traveler rushed into the car and began to drain a 
brandy-fiask, and he didn't get over looking pale for three 
hours. 

And they were sandwiches after all, said Mr. Lewis — ^real 
good ham sandwiches made that day. The landlord had 
adopted that particular style of ridicule instead of using a club 



257 SATIRE AND RIDICULE. 

Satirloal Advloe on Btdquette. 

Engage/in an argament with every person you meet 

Never Ksten to the other person, for if yon do yon may for 
get what yon want to say yonrseMl 

Always talk of your private, personal and family matters 
while conversing with strangers. They like to listen to long 
accounts of how you had the rheumatism. 

If you are a professional man, always discuss professional 
matters in the presence of non-professionals. 

If a person makes a mistake in grammar, or calls a word 
wrong, always correct him, especially it there are several peo- 
ple around to hear you. 

If a man has a glass eye, a wooden leg, or a wig, always 
refer to it. 

Never talk in a mild, gentle and musical voice, but toot up 
high and loud. Drown other people's voices if you can^t 
drown their ideas. 

When a man is talking let your eyes and mind wander about 
the room, and when he gets through ask him to repeat what 
he said again. 

It with a stranger, always use profanity and vulgar words. 
You wiU be surprised how it will change their estimation of 
you. 

Insist on talking about subjects that the rest of the company 
have never heard anything about If you can't find a foreign 
subject like Europe, or what you did in college, pick out the 
prettiest girl in the room and whisper to her. 

Always make ftin of the locality wliere j^ou are staying, ii 
you can't do that, ridicule or abuse some of the leading citi- 
zens. A son or a daughter may be present, and they will like 
to hear you ridicule their old father. 

Always pretend to great gentility yourself, and ridicule peo- 
ple who came up from a modest beginning. If yon can't 



WIT AMD HU1I0B. *425S 

that your ancestors belonged to some notable fiunily, make a 
strong point of being acquainted with a great many distin- 
guished p3ople yourself^ and constantly refer to the time when 
yon were in college. 

XUdionUnff the ''SweU" Soldifirs. 

I was charmed by onr swell Seventh Regiment when it came 
to Saratoga. Every man wore wliite pantaloons, white kids, 
English side whiskers, and parted his hair in the middle. 

^' Don't they look too sweet for anything ! '' exclaimed all 
the young ladies at once, as the "boys came onto the hotel 
balconies. 

The only indignity the handsome fellows suffered was when 
C6L Cl^ke wanted to borrow some nut crackers from the 
hotel, and Mr. Marvin objected, becatuae he said it wouldn^ 
do to let the regiment have them. 

" Why ? "" adked Col. Oarke, indignantly. ** Why don't yoo 
lend the boys the nut crackers { '' 

^^ Because it's dangerous,'' said Mr« Marvia 

** How dangerous ? " 

"Why, Colonel," said Mr. Marvin, as he wiped his head 
with a red bandana handkerchief, " don^ yon know that when 
the boys crack the nuts they'll be liable to burst the shell 
against the kernel ? " 

But the sweetest thing of all was the polite dress-parade in 
front of the hotel for the ladies, who were kept back by a guard 
of white satin ribbon. 

Before going through the manual of arms. Col. Clarke 
bowed to and shook hands with every member of the regi- 
ment — and tlien commenced the polite drill as follows : 

Atterdion^ if you please, gerUleme?i/ Ah! (takea off hi% 
hat and hows sweetly) thank you t 

WUl you he kind en/rugh to shoulder a/rmsf Thanks {smil' 
img amd howi/ng tmth hat in kcmd), gentlemen, thaab^t 



259 SATIRE AND KIDICU1.E. 

WtU you now fmor me hy ordermg a/rmsf Ah, tihaiikBy 
gendemen t 

If it is not cuikmg too rmushj mil you now he kind enough 
toorderarma O/gamJt Ah — thanks -^^^^to^n^ ^iery low amd 
taJdng off hat) jon are very kind ! 

Ihope^ if not too fatigymg^ that you will now be hind 
enough to jpreaeni omns/ Ah — yerj gq^ {smiles eioeeily)^ Vm 
too much obliged to jon ! 

^ agreecMe to youj wiU you ahculder CMrms^jpieaset Yon 
are — ah, very kind — (J>owing) — Pm so mnch obliged to you ! 

y not too rrmoh fatigued^ genttemen, might 1 ask you to 
order cmnsf Thanks, gentlemen I Ah ! you're very kind t 
{Bows very low and saiutes regiment. ) 

Yon are now dismissed, gentlemen I {Bows pr^fomidly,) 
Vm — ah — awfhlly' obliged to yon. If agreeable to yoc, ah 
— meet yon again to*moiTOW evening I Good-day, gentle- 
men I {Bows a/nd shakes homds aU around^ while the soldiers 
return to fArt with tAe young ladies on the haltocnies.) 



Bli Perkins rfrtlonling the *' ShbddyiteB** -i^bo bay 

BItf Diamonds. 

Since they have discovered diamonds in Africa they are 
getting too common on Fifth avenue to be even noticed. One 
young, rich lady wears finger-ring diamonds in her hair. A 
Ghicago lady, staying at the Fifth Avenue, alleged to have 
lived with her present husband two weeks without getting a 
divorce, wears diamond dress-buttons ; and even one of the 
colored waiters— an African, too, right Irom. the mines — 
showed me a diamond weighing thirty-seven pounds, which he 
offered to sell me in the rough for $4 — a clear indication that 
even the Africans donH appreciate the treasure they have 
found. 

This morning a lady from Oil City went into Tiffany^s great 
jewelry store and said she desired to purchase a diamond. 



wrr AND HimoB. 2M 

'^ I nnderstand solitaire diamonds are the best, Mr. ^Rffany," 
she said, ^' please show me some of Uiem.'^ 

^^Here is a nice solitaire/' answered the silver-haired dia- 
mond prince. " How do you Kke it ? " 

** Putty well,'' said the rich lady, revolving it in her fingers. 
'^It shines well, but are you sure it is a solitaiie, Mr. Tif- 
fany?" 

** Why, of course, madame." 

^' Wall, now, if you wiU warrant it to be a real, genuine 
solitaire, Mr. Tiffany, I don't mind buying it for my daughter 
Julia — and — come to think," she continued, as she buttoned 
her six-button kid-gloves and took her parasol to leave, ^^ if 
you've got five or six more real, genuine solitaires just like 
this one, I don't mind takin' 'em all so as to make a big soli- 
taire cluster for myself." • 

*^ Yes, madame, we'll guarantee it to be a real solitaire," 
smilingly replied Mr. Tiffany, and then the head of the house 
went up to his private office, and in the presence of four hun- 
dred clerks sat down and wrote his official guarantee that the 
diamond named was a genuine solitaire. As the lady bore the 
certificate from the big jewelry palace she observed to herself: 
^^There's nothing like knowing you've got the real, genuine 
thing. It's really so satisfyin' to feel sure I " 

But that evening her fiendish husband refused to buy the 
diamonds — ^^and then this beautiful woman," said Mi*. Tif- 
fany, ^^ all dressed up in silks, and laces, and garnet earrings 
cut on a bias sat down in the hotel parlor and had to refiise 
to go to a party at Mrs. Witherington's because her jewels did 
not match her polonaise I " 

'^' O dear I " said the great jeweler, and in the fullness of his 
grief he poured a coal-sCuttle into a case full of diamonds, 
and watches, and silver spoons, and a basket full of diamonds, 
and pearls and garnets into the coal stove I 



18 



REPARTEE 

Mmnj lAugh-Provoking XbEamptoo. 

AcJOnaf Qretk Jokes trandaUd by MdoOU D, Landon, AM. {BU PerHM), 

We find much splendid repartee in the writings of ^schines. 
Diogenes, Plato and Aristippns. It is hard to translate it, 
and not have it lose its force, but I give below a free transla- 
tion of some of the best repartee in the old Greek : 

One day, the tyrant Dioysius asked Aristippns, a pupil of 
Socrates, but a cringing toady to the King, ^' Why do you 
philosophers always come to the rich, while the rich never, 
never return your calls J ^ 

" Because,'' said Aristippns, "we philosophers want money 
which the rich can give us, but the rich want brains which we 
cau't give them, even if they do return our visits." 

CroBsus, a rich but illiterate Athenian, brought his stupid 
son to Aristippns to be educated. 

'^ How much will you charge to make my boy a scholar ! ^ 
he asked. 

" How much? " mused Aristippns, as he put his hand on the 
boy's low forehead. *' How much ? Why about five hundred 
drachmas." 

"Five hundred drachmas !" exclaimed CroBsus. "Why, 
that is too dear. Why with that I could buy a slave." 

"Tlien go and buy a slave," said Aristippus, "and you'll 
have twins, you'll have a pair of them." 

"But how will it benefit my son five hundred drachmas 
worth?" asked the shoddy Oreek. 

961 



WIT AND HUMOR. 262 

^ Why, if he gets no other good when he goes to the theater 
you can tell your blockhead boy from the wooden benches/^ * 

One day when Dionysius asked Aristippus why he came to 
him so much for? - 

^^ Why, I come to exchange something which I have for 
something which you have/* 

"What is that?" 

" Why, I come to trade brains for money." 

One Greek writer, ^schines, says Aristippus said *^ When I 
want wisdom I go to Socrates, but when I want money, I come 
to you," 



Alex. Stephens' Repartee. 

A. H. Stephens is said to weigh but seventy-four pounds; 
yet he was always considered in the South as a man of weight. 

Mr. Stephens once severely worsted a gigantic Western op- 
ponent in debate. 

The big fellow, looking down on Stephens, burst out, " You ! 
— why, I could swallow you — whole!" 

" If you did," answered the latter, " you would have more 
brains in your bowels than ever you had in your head." 



Oscar "WUde Demolished. 

Oscar, the long haired esthete, wos delivering himself of an 
eloquent tirade against the invasion of the sacred domain of art 
by the meaner herd of trades-people and miscellaneous no- 
bodies, and finally rising to an Alpine height of scorn, ex* 
claimed, 
" Ay, all of you here are Philistines — ^mere Philistines I *' 
^^ Yes," said an old gentleman, softly, ^^ we are Philistines, 
and I suppose that is why we are being assaulted with the jaw- 
bone of an ass." 

*The literal Greek reply war, " He will not be one stone setting on an 
other." The seats of the Atheniaa theater were of stone* 



263 REPARtKl2. 



Oen. Gary Woritted* 

*' You can not keep nie dowu," shouted Gen. Sam Gary, 
the great Ohio orator, at a public meeting ; '^ though I may be 
pressed below the waves I rise iigain; you will find that I 
:x)me to the surface, gentlemen/' 

^^ Yos,'' said an old whaler in the audience, ^^you oome to 
the surface to blow.^ 

Very Gtontle Bepcurtee. 

Oliver Wendell Holmes and John O. Saxe were once talking 
about brain fever. < 

^^I once had a very severe attiKsk of brain fever myself,^ 
said Mr. Saxe. 

"How could you have brain fever!" asked Mr. Holmes, 
smiling. " It is only strong brains that have brain fever. '" 

" How did you find that out i '^ asked Saxe. 

Sootoh Bepartea. 

A Scotchman complained that he had got a ringing ir his 
head. 

"Do ye ken the reason o^ that! " asked his friend. 

"No.'' 

" ni tell ye — it's because it's empty." 

"And ha'e ye never a ringing in your head?" asked the 
other. 

" No, never." 

"And do ye ken the reasont — because ifs cnudred.'* 

Wbat le Reputea? 

MelviUe JD. Landim^ A, M. 

Repartee is a sudden flash. It is turning a current of 
tliought in an opposite direction, it is the upsetting of a 
train of thought. It is really deforming a thought. Repartee 



WIT AUD HUHOli. , 264 

is a case where one speaker makes a plain statementi aimed 
in a certain direction, which a hea/rer collides with and reverses 
so as to shoot straight back at the speaker. 

^^What I want,'' said a pompons orator, aiming at his 
antagonist, ^4s good common sense. '^ 

" Exactly," was the whispered reply, " that's just what yon 
need." 

Bepartee is often very unkind, but its unkindness is excusa 
ble when the person indulging in it has been attacked. For 
instance, Abemethy, the famous surgeon, swore violently at 
a poor Irish paver who had piled some paving-stones on the 
Doctor's sidewalk. 

^^Bemove them I away with them I " screamed Abemethy. 
with an oath. 

''But where shall I take them to % " asked Pat. • 

"To hell with them 1 " exclaimed the Doctor. 

"Hadn't I better take them to heaven? Sure, and they'd 
be more out of your honor's way there," said Pat, as he leaned 
on his spade. 

An instance of unkind repartee is recorded of Gharleg 
Lamb: 

One day a loving mother brought her beautifhl golden* 
haired baby into dinner in her arms. She was very proud of 
her sweet babe, and, holding it up with pride and joy in her 
eyes, she said : 

"Mr. Lamb, how do you like babies?" 

^' I like 'em boiled, madam — boiled ! " 

Of course that mother never loved Mr. Lamb after that. 

The finest piece of repartee in the English language is the 
instance where two Irishmen were walking under the gibbet 
of Newgate. Looking up at the gibbet, one of them remarked : 

"Ah, Pat, where would you be if the gibbet had done its 
duty?" 

"Faith, Fiannagan," said Pat, "and I'd be walking Lon< 
don — all alan^^^ 




"Hadn'tl better take them to heaven?" "Sure, and tbe/d be 
mora out nf TOUT honoi'a way than." (See page SSL) 



fiBPAitTJfiS, 265 

A mild species of repartee was the reply of Gharles James 
Fox to a man who kept dmming him for a small debt : 

^^ I beg 70m:' pardon, Mr. Fox/' said the dnnner, ^^ bat yon 
know I have waited a long while. Still, I do not want to 
make the time of payment inconvenient to. yon. I only desire 
yon will fix npon some day certain in the fbtnre when yon 
will pay." 

^^That is very kind of yon," responded Fox, ^^and I will 
accede to yonr request with pleasure. Suppose we name the 
Day of Judgment. But stop I that will be a veiy bosy dav 
for yon ; suppose we say the day after." 

A fine bit of repartee is attributed to Douglas Jerrold : 

"^Have yon seen my Descent Into Hell?" inquired an 
author, a great bore, who had written a book with a fiery title. 

<'No," repUed Douglas Jerrold, '' bnt I should like to." 



BULL, BLUNriER AND PARaDDX. 



Pazadoz— American Bulla— Bemarkable Blundera 

Mr. Gongh once asked an Irishman if he ever saw a teetot- 
aller drank t 

" Och 1 " replied Paddy, with earnestness, '^Pve seen many 
a man drank, but I ooaldn't tell whether he was a teetotaller 4 >r 
not'' 

Sboppintf Blunders. 



*^ Gin you show me something pretty in scarfs t " he asked 
of one of the rosy-cheeked sales ladies at Macy's. 

^' O, yes, sir ; here's some blue satins for a dollar — just two 
sweet for anything. '' 

^^I think you are a little dear," he said, with a pleasant 
smile. 

^^ You are vtsry oomplimentaiy/'^ she said, her cheeks covered 
with a crimson blush. 

When he thought how he had been misunderstood he 
blushed and stammered : 

^' O, I beg pardon, Miss, I didn^t mean to say you were a 
little dear. I meant " 

^^ Never mind, there are plenty of young men who do think 
so, sir I Grood morning I " 

Qervants' Blimders. 

Mrs. Howard Hinckle, a Cincinnati lady^ has recently had a 
remarkable experience vrith a new Irisli girl : 

'^ Biddy," said she, one evening, ^^we must have some 
sausages for tea this evening, I expect company.'' 



BDLL. BLUNDER AND PABAPOX. 967 

Tea time arrived, and with it the eompanj ; the table was 
spread, the tea was simmering, but no sausages appeared. 

^' Where are the sausages, Biddy t " inquired Mrs. Hinckle. 

'^ And sure they're in thetay-pot, ma'am I Didn't you teil 
me we most have 'em for tay t " 



. Wbloh Blundered? 

^^Is any one waiting on you ?" asked the handsome young 
fellow at the counter of one of our up tovm stores, of a young 
lady fix)m the country. 

'^ Yes," she replied, blushing crimson. ^^ Fve had a felloW 
waiting on me for over a year and " 

^'I mean,'^ stammered the young man, ^^is there anyone 
waiting on you in this store ) " 

" Well — ah, not yet," she said looking up archly, "but ^ 

'''Shall I have the pleasure of waiting on you then?" he 
asked smilingly. 

"O — ah — ^well — ^you are very kind, thank you,*' she said 
blushing scarlet, "but perhaps you are engaged? " 

^'0 no Pm not engaged. I can wait on you now just as 
well as not" 

"Well, I don't know that it would be right," she said 
blushingly, " Fm about halfway engaged myself. Tliat is John 
—he's gone to California now, but juet before he left he asked 
me " 

" O, my dear girl, you're mistaken " 

^^No^ no, there's no mistake," she said sadly. "John, I 
expect, really considers that we are engaged. Now," she 
said with a puzzled look, "do you really tiiink it would be 
right to let any other young man wait on me during John's 
absence ? If you think so — 



n 



" My dear, dear girl, it's all a blunder I It's — ^^ 



908 Vtr AHD HUHOB. 

^'Then jou don't want to wait on met^ she interrapted 
poutingly. 

^^ Why, yes — ^no — can-found it !^ and he fell fainting on die 
floor. 

When last seen she was fanning him and telling him to 
cheer up and she would dismiss John — ^perhaps. 



Bulls, Blunders and Repartee. 

MeMBe D. London, A.je 

Repartee is an intended bnll or blunder. Repartee is 
always hurled at some other person ; while the bull or blunder 
is against the speaker himself Repartee is in the active 
transitive, while the bull or blunder is in the passive. Repartee 
cuts like a two-edged sword, while the bull or blunder is 
purely innocent. One causes the laugh of derision, while the 
other causes the laugh of amusement. As an instance of the 
innocent bull or blunder, I give from the pen of Mr. Alexander 
Sweet : 

"Why didn't you deliver that message as I gave it to you I " 
asked an Austin ^ntleman of his stupid servant 

*'I did de best 1 could, boss." 

" You did the best vou could, did you ? " imitating voice 
and look. " So you did the best you could. If I had Known 
thai I was sending a donkey, I would have gone myself" 

As an instance of unkind repartee or retort, I give Mr. 
Charles Lamb's reply to the kind mother, whose guest he was : 

One day, a loving mother came into a dinner to which 
Charles Lamb was invited, dandling her beautiful baby in her 
arms. 

''How do you like babies, Mr. Lamb?" asked the fond 
mother, lifting the baby up and down with great pride. 

''I like 'em b — ^b— boiled, madam, boilbd !" exclaimed Mr. 
Lamb. 

Bulls or blunders are akin to the paradox, but they aie not 
the same. A paradox states a logical impossibility, while a 
bull is a thoughtless blunder. When they were talking about 



BULL, BLUNDER AND PARADOX. 260 

the barefooted peasantry of Ireland and the society of leather 
Sir Boyle Roche, the Irish baronet, said: • 

^' K leather is so dear, gentlemen, why can't we make the 
under leather of wood ? " 

This is a blunder. In his confosion of ideas, Sir Boyle need 
** leather " in place of " sole." 

Again, an Irishman, with a heavy bnndle on his shonlden, 
riding on the front of a horse-car, was asked why he did not 
set his bnndle down on the platform ^^Be jabers," said Pat, 
^'the horses have enough to drag me ; Fll carry the bundle." 

8ir Boyle once wrote the following resolution in regard to 
the new jail in Dublin : 

*■ ^ Resolved, that the new j^son shall be built on the site, 
and with the materials of the old one, and (bat the prisoners 
nhall continue to reside in the old prison until the new one is 
completed." 

Once, when a member of parliament stated, on a money 
grant, that it was unjust to saddle posterity with a debt in- 
curred to benefit the present. Sir Boyle rose and s^d : 

"Why should we beggar ourselves to benefit posterity! 
Wliat has posterity done for us ? " The laugh which followed 
rather surprised him, as he was onconsdous of his blunder. 
He explained : 

** Sir, by posterity I do not mean oar ancestors, but those 
who come immediately after themJ^ 

And it was Sir Boyle who said : ^' Single misfortunes never 
come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is gen- 
erally followed by a much greater. 

Fearing the progress of revolutionaiy opinions. Sir Boyle 
drew a frightiiil picture of the future, remarking that the house 
of commons might be invaded by ruflSians who, said he, ^^ would 
cut us to mince meat and throw our bleeding heads on that 
table, to stare us in the face." 

On another occasion Sir Boyle was arguing for the habeas 
wrpoft BPgpengion bill in Ireland : ^' It would surely be better, 



270 WIT AKD HTJICOB. 

Mr. Speaker,^ said he, ^^to give op not only a part, but, if 
oessary, even tfie wAol^ of our constitation, to preserve ths 
remainder / " 

fiulls are caused by the person answering a questicn without 
thought Now, in the following case, the listener thought the 
questioner had asked about cold weather, instead of about cold 
summers : ^' Did ye ever know such a cold summer as this t '^ 
asked Mike of a fellow Irishman. 

"Yes," answered Pat 

"When?" 

"Last winter, be jabers.^ 

Here is another :. 

"Bridget, I wish you would go and see how old Mrs. Jones 
is this morning.'^ 

Bridget returned in a few minutes with the imformation that 
Mrs. Jones was 72 years, 10 months and 8 days old. 

Often public speakers whose minds are not on their long 
sentences make a paradox or bull. A Grerman orator onoe 
said : "There is no man or child in this vast assembly who has 
arrived at the age of 50 years, that has not felt the truth of this 
mighty subject thundering through his mind for centuries." 

John K Gough once said solemnly to an audience: "Par- 
ents, you may hare children, or, if not, your daughters may 
have.'* 

Again : A physician once boasted to Sir Henry Halford : '^1 
was the first to discover Asiatic cholera and communicate it to 
the publio.'^ 

• 

ICn. Pftrtlnirton*8 Bhmden. 

« 

The Partington papers had a great run about twenty years 
ago. The fun of them consisted in an old woman getting the 
meaning of a word wrong or in pronouncing the word wrong, 
^or instance: 

When Mrs. Partington read in the Boston Gloie that at the 



SULL, BLUKDKR AND PARADdX. STl 

Mnflic Hall the ^^Frayer of Hoses'' was executed on ooestriog, 
she remarked : , 

'^The Prayer of Moses executed on one stringi Paying, 
I s'pose, tobe cot down. Poor Moses !^^ she sighed, ^^ executed 
on one string I TV ell, I don't know as I ever heard of anybody 
being executed on two strings, unless the rope broke." 

Good Taste. 

^^ You can't bear chOdren," said Mrs. Adam% disdainfully. 
^'Perhi^ if you could yoii would like them better,'' con* 
tinued the old lady, wiping her spectacles. 

Fancy Diseasea^ 
** Diseases is very various," said Mrs. Partiugton* ^^Kow oM 
Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs, and Mary Simms 
is dying of hermitage of the lungs. One person has tonsors of 
the throat and another finds himself in a jocular vein. New 
names and new nostrils everywhere 1 " 

Gentleman to his rustic servant: ^^WeQ, Jean, did yon 
give the Govemof my note % " 

^^ Yes, sir ; I gave it to him ;* but there's no use writing him 
letters; he can't see to read them. He's blind— blind as a 
batl" 

"Blind I" 

"Yes, sir ; blind. Twice he asked me where my hat waa^ 
and I had it on my head all the time. Blind as a bat, air 1 " 

Tbe Deaf Man. 

Old Hunter was a veiy deaf man. One day the boySi to ge' 
a joke on him, gave him the following mock toast : 

" Here's to old Hunter, the two-sided old villain ; may he 
be kicked to death by mules, and his body be sank in die 



S72 WIT AHD Bvmosu 

a hundred fathomB deep. May no prayer be said over hhn, 
and may his blind soul wander raylcse through all eternity.^ 

The toast was dronk with great glee, in which the old man 
joined. 

^'The same to yoorselves, gentlemen,^ said he^ ^^ The same 
to yourselves.'* 

Old Hunter had not heard a word that was said. 



Oharley Bender's Blunder. 

Charley Bender who used to live in fiouth Bend, went to 
Reno, Nev. While there he hit upon a scheme to advertise 
his business, and told the editor of the Bene Guzette to an- 
nounce that he would give a special premium to the lady 
exhibiting a baby at the fair that most resembled her. The 
announcement appeared among the fair notes, and Tead : 
^^ Charles T. Bender offers a special premium to the lady ex- 
hibiting a baby that most resembles him." Charley was out 
of the dty for several days, and when he ' came back couldn't 
understand why the ladies, with whom he had always been a 
a great favorite, looked at their noses when they passed him, 
and the matter grew absolutely serious when a very intimate 
lady friend to whom he proffered his hand, exclaimed, ^^ Don^t 
you dare to shake hands with me, sir, you vile thing." It was 
all made as plain as day when Charley saw the typographical 
error, and he is not to be blamed for hunting up the editor 
with his revolver. 

Blunders in KewBpapera. 

An illiterate farmer, wishing to enter some anima lfi at an 
agricultural exhibition, wrote to the secretary as follows : 
^^ Also enter me for the best jackass ; 1 am sure of taking the 
premium.^ 

Among the replies to an advertisement of a nmsie ood» 



BUUjj BLinn>EB AND PABADOX 2?i 

mittee for ** a candidate as organist, mnsio^eacher," etc, was 
the following : ^^ Gentlemen, I noticed jonr adrertisement for 
oi'ganist and music-teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having 
been both for several years, I offer you my services." 

A recent advertisement contains the following startling infor- 
mation : *^ If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a 
red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whalje- 
bone ribs and an ivory handle, he will be suitably rewarded. '' 

An Irish agricultural journal advertises a new washings 
machine under the heading : ^< Every man his own washer 
woman," and in its culinary department says that^ ^^ potatoes 
should always be boiled in cold water." 

Btcmdeirs in PonotuatlOi^L 

There is a tombstone in the Saratoga graveyard on irtiich b 
this epitaph : 

*^ Erected to the memory of John Phillips, accidentally 
shot as a mark of affection by his brother," 

A correspondent introduces a piece of poetry to the editor 
of an American newspaper in these words : 

*^ The following lines were written fifty years ago by one 
who has for many years slept in his grave merely for hi« 
amusement." 
. The compositor on a Philadelphia paper, by displacement of 

a space, inlormed the masses of that dty that Mr. would 

address them anei at National Hall. 

BH Perktofl" Amerlccm Blunders. 

Punctuation makes a great many bulls in this country. The 
other day I picked a newspaper in Wisconsin full of curious 
things. I inclose a few specimens: 

^^ The procession at Judge Orton's funeral was very fine and 



274 WIT AND HUMOR. 

nearly two mSes in length as was the beantifiil prayer of tihs 
Rev. Dr. Swing from Chicago/' 

Another : 

^' A cow was struck by lightning on Satnrday belonging to 
Di. Hammond who had a beantihil spotted calf (»nly fonr days 
old.'' 

A distressing acddent is thus chronicled : 

^^ A sad accident happened to the &mily of John Elderkin 
on Main street yesterday. One of his children was. run over 

» 

oy a market wagon three years old with sore eyes and pantalets 
fn that never spoke afterwards." 

A Towanda (Penn.) sign reads thus : 

^^John Smith — teacher of cowtillions and other dances — 
gramer tant in the neetest manner— fresh salt herrin on draft 
— likewise Godfreys cordial— rutes, sassage and other garden 
truxiL — ^N.R A bawl on frida nite— prayer meeting chnesday 
also salme singin by the quire.'' 

I cut this advertisement from the N. Y. Herald: 

^^ Bun away — ^A hired man named John ; his nose turned 
ap five feet eight inches high, and had on a pair of corduroy 
pants, much worn." 

This, also, from the personal column of the Herald: 

^^ Personal : If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store witL 
a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with 
whalebone ribs and an ivory handle to the slate-roofed grocer's 
store, he will hear something to his advantage, as the same is 
the gift of a deceased mother, now no more, with the name 
engraved upon it 

** I say, Jim," said a creditor to a bankrupt the other day, 
*• what'll you pay ? " 

^^ Wall, I'm going to pay fifly cents on the dollar if I have 
to pay it out of my own pocket" 

The next morning after lecturing at Janesville I saw dus 
paragraph : 

'^Gtoorge Peck an intemperate editor from Milwaukee fell 



BULL, BLUVDES AND PARADOX. 276 

over the gallery last night while Eli Perkins was lecturing in a 
beastly state of intoxication." 

"The coroner's jury brought in a verdict that Mr. Peck 
came to his death by remaining too long in a cramped position 
while listening to Mr. Perkins' lecture which produced apop- 
lexy on the minds of the jury." 



The Paradoor. 

MMOe D. Umdim, AM. 

A paradox is an instance of deformed logic. It is a case 
where a sentence destroys not itself, as in the case of the 
anticlimax, but all the logic in itself. The anticlimax is the 
deformed sentence itself, while the paradox is the deformity 
of its logical sense. The best paradox in the English language 
IS the cue made by Artemus Ward when the humorist said : 

"Pm bound to live within my means if I have to borrow 
money to do it" 

The best paradox I ever constructed was a sentence once 
used in complimenting the West It was made in a dinner 
speech.' I commenced thus : 

" 1 like the West I like her self-made men, and the more 
I travel west, the more I am with her public men, the more I 
am convinced of tlie truthfulness of the Bible statement that 
the wise men came from the East! " 

Hei*e is another : 

** How do you think Smith's property will stand after all his 
debts are paid ? " asked a lawyer in a bankrupt case. 

*'I believe h^ will owe several thousand dollars," was the 
reply.* 

Another instance : Two men were pulling on their boots. 
One pulled away at the straps till one broke, when he 
exclaimed : 

'^I don^t believe I'll ever get these boots on till I've worn 
them a spell I " 

19 



276 wrr and humob. 

An Irishman was trying to sell some iron windowHaaaheSi 
and in recommending them said : 

^^ These sashes will last jon forever, sir; and afterwards, if 
you have no further use for them, you can sell them for old 
iron." 

Again : 

A Judge in Dublin asked an Irish policeman, ^' When did 
you last see your sister? " 

'' The last time I saw her, my Lord, was about eight monthi 
ago, when she called at my house, and T was out" 

"Then you didNnot see her on that occasion i " 

"No, my Lord ; I wasn't there/' 

Again: — ' 

At a crowded concert to hear Patti the other night, a young 
lady was looking for a seat. 

" It is a seat you want^ Miss ? '' askM the Irish usher. 

"Yes, a seat, please." 

" Indade, mips," said Pat, " I should be glad to give you a 
sate, but the empty ones are all full." 

Again : — 

An Irishman, describing the trading powers of the genuine 
Yankee, said : 

"Bedad, if he was cast away on a desolate island, he'd get 
up the next momin' and go round selling maps to the in 
habitants." 

Again: — 

An Irishman boasted that he had often skated sixty miles » 
day. 

"Sixty miles I" exclaimed an auditor, "that is a great 
distance ; it must have been accomplished when tlie days were 
the longest" 

* "To be sure it was; I admit that," said the ingenious 
Hibernian, " but whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' oi'll tell 
ye all about it" 

Again: — 



BULL) BLUNDER AND PARADOX. 277 

An Irish lover said, *^It is a ^great comfort to be alone 
especially when yer swateheart is wid ye.*' 

Again yon all remember the triumphant appeal of an Irish- 
man who was a lover of antiquity, who, in arguing the super- 
iority of old architecture over tlie new, said, 

'*' Where will you find any modem building that has lasted 
so long as the ancient? '* 

Again: — 

An Irishman got out of his carriage at a railway station for 
refreshments, but the bell rang and tlie train left Defore he had 
finished his repast 

^^Honld on I " cried Pat, as he ran like a madman after the 
car, "hould on, ye murthen ould stame injin — yeVe got a 
passenger on board that's left behind." 

Again:— 

My wife's cook was sick. She was sure she was going to 
die. It was the colic. 

"Would yon take anything, Bridget?" asked my wife, pour 
ing out some bitter cordial. 

"Indade," said Bridget, "I would take anything to make 
me well, if I knew it would kill me." 

Again : — 

"A man who'd maliciously set fire to a bam," said Elder 
Podson, " and bum up a stable full of horses and cows, ought 
to be kicked to death by a jackass, and Pd like to be the one 
to do it" 






Two deacons once disputing about a proposed new grave- 
yard, one remarked : " PU never be buried in that ground as 
long as I live I " " What an obstinate man I " said the other 
^^ If my life is spared I will.'' 



IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS' 



The Irish Hackdrivar. 

Eli Perkins 

The Quaker Indian Gomniissioners recently returned to 
Philadelphia. The ^^ Broadbrims ^' landed, carpet-bag in handi 
at the Pennsylvania depot, when an Irish hackdriver who 
chanced to have a broadbrim also stepped up, and to ingra- 
tiate himself into their good graces, passed himself off as a 
, brother Quaker. 

^^Is thee going towards the Continental Hotel?'' asked the 
backdriven 

^^Tea, our rasidenoee aro there,'^ leplied the Quaker. 

«^ Will thee take my carriage t ** 

**Tea-gladly.'' 

M ibey seated themselves^ tbe bac&driver asked very serf- 

oualy — 
^ Where is MmiV baggage ? ** 

Two Iriahmen met oncei and leferfed to die illness cf a 

third. 

«<Poor MiGhael Hogan t Faith, Fm afraid he's goiqg to 

die," said one. 

< ^ And why wonld he die t " asked the other. 

** Oh, he*8 got so thin I You're thin enough, and Vm thin 
—but, by my oowl, Michael Hogan is lliinner than both of nb 
pat together." 

Two Lrishnien, who, fimcying that they knew each other, 

*The Irishman has made so many good natnred buUs and blunders, 
fcbat a separate chapter has to be given to them. 

278 



IRISH BULLS 4ND BLUNDERS. 279 

crossed the street to shake hands. On discovering their error: 

" I beg your pardon 1 ^ cried the one. 

^^Oh, don't mention it,'' said the other. ^^Ifs a mntoal 
mistake ; you see, I thought it was you, and you thought it 

was me, and after all, it was neither of us ! " 

« « 
« 

^^ As I was going over the bridge the other day," said an 
Irishman, ^*I met Pat Hewins. ^Hewins,' says I, *how are 
you?' 

** Pretty well, thank you, Donnelly," says he. 

"Donnelly," says I, *' that's not my name." 

" Faith, then, no more is mine Hewins." 

*' So with that we looked at each other agin, an' 8ure6DOU|^ 
It was nayther of us." 

TaUnff it Baasr. 



Mr. O'Rafferty has a boy named Mike, that for laziness caiK 
not be beaten. This assertion is not absolutely oorrecty how* 
ever, for he is beaten for laziness every day by the old man. 
After one of these sad scenes between parent and child, Mike 
remarked dismally : 

" I persoom that there is no pladn' of yei. It is wishin' I 
was dead I am." 

"It is loike yerself," retorted the father, "to be wishin' ye 
was stretched in an expinsive and convaynient coffin, takin' it 
aisy for the rest of yer life." 



« « 



The captain of. a steamboat seeing an Irishman smoking 
away abaft the wheelhouse, stepped up to him and said : 
•' Don't you see that notice stuck up there f " 
"D'ye mane that bit o' painted tin J" 
" To be sure I do. Why don't you follow it? " 
^^ I haven't sayn it move ; it's nailed fiEUStt, I'm oonsiderin'." 
^^ I mean^ have you read that notice t " 



380 wrr and huuob. 

"Divil a bit ; shure I don't know how to rade.** 
" Well, it says : ' No smoking allowed here.' ^ 
^^Bj the powers I it doesn't consam me a smite, thin, for I 
never smoked ' aloud ' in mj life." 

« * 

* 

Two good natnred Irishmen on a certain occasion, occupied 
the same bed. In the morning, one of them inquired of the 
other: 

^^ Dennis, did 70a hear the thunder last ni^t t " 

"No, Pat; did it raUy thunder f" 

"Yes, it thundered as if hivin and airth would come 
^gether. " 

" Whj in the divil, then, didn't ye wake me, for ye know I 
cant slape whin it thunders." 

An IriflhTnaafi's WPL 

In the name of Ood, Amen I I, Timothy Delona, of Bar 
lydownderry, in the county of Clare, farmer ; being sick and 
wake in my legs, but of sound head and warm heart : Glory 
be to Ood I — do make the first and last will the ould and new 
testament ; first I give my sou! to God, when it pleases Him 
to take it ; sure no thanks to me, for I can't help it then ; and 
my body to be buried in the ground at Barrydownderry Chapel, 
where all my kith an' kin that have gone befote me, an' those 
that live after, belonging to me, are buried ; pace to their 
ashes, and may the sod rest lightly over their bones. Bury 
me near my godfather, Felix O'Flaherty, betwixt and between 
him and my father and mother, who lie separate altogether, at 
the other side of the chapel yard. I lave the bit of ground 
containing ten acres — rale old Irish acres — to me eldest son 
Tim, after the death of his mother, if she survives him. My 
daughter Mary and her husband Paddy O'Ragan are to get the 
white sow that's going to have twelve black boni& Teddy, 



aatm uvhia asd blundsbs. 

iuy aecorid boy that was kUIed in the war of Amerikay, might 
have got his pick of tlie poultry, but as he is gone, V\\ lave 
them to his wife who died a wake before him ; 1 bequeath to 
all mankind fresh air of heaven, all the fishes of the sea they 
can take, and all of the birds of the air they can shoot ; I lave 
to them the sun, moon and stars. I lave to Peter Hafferty a pint 
of fiilpoteen I can't finish, and may God be merdfiil to him ! 

« « 

« 

An Irishman who was standmg on London Bridge said to a 
youth : 

*' Faith, and I think I know yees ; what's yer name? " 

*' Jones," said the boy, 

"Jones I Jones I " said the Irishman; "and I knew seven- 
teen ould maids by that name in Dublin* Was aitberof them 

your mither ? ^ 

« « 

« 

Said a member of Congress from Ohio to a New Yorker, 
who was trying to tell him something about hogs : " You can't 
tell me anything about hogs. I know more about hogs than 
you ever dreamt of. I was brought up in Cincinnati r^ht 
among 'em." 

" Are you sick, Pat f " asked the doctor, 

" Sick, is it I Sick I Faith, and I laid spachless siven long 
weeks in the month of August, and did nothin' but ciy 
* Wather I wather I ' all the time." 

« « 

« 

" How is the man that was hurt ? " was asked of an [rish 
man the next day after a railroad smash-up on the Erie road 
" Sure, how is the man that was hurt} " repeated Pat 
** I mean is he any better ?" 
**No ; he's no better." 
•^ Is he conscious? " 
^ YiSi he's conscious, hnt divU a thing does he know !" 



[ 



'^3 WIT AND HU1IO& 



The IriBh Letter. 

foLLTMUooLESORAo, Paiirh of Balljraggett, 

near Balljslnggathey, County of Kilkenny, 

Ireland, Jinoary the 1th. 

My Deab Kephbw : I haven't sent ye a letthcr since the last 
time I wrote to ye, bckase we liave moved from our former 
place of livin' and I didn't know where a letther would find 
ye ; but I now wit pleasure take up me pin to inform ye of the 
death of yer ownly livin' uncle, Ned Fitzpatrick, who died -very 
suddenly a few days ago afther a lingerin' illness of six weeks. 
The poor fellow was in violent convulsions the whole time of 
hie sickness, lyin' perfectly quiet and intirely dpeechless — all 
the while talkin' incoherently, and cryin' for wather. I had no 
opportunity of informm' ye of his death sooner, except I wrote 
to ye by the last post, which same went off two days before lie 
died ; and then ye would have postage to pay. I am at a loss 
to tell what his death was occasioned by, btit I fear it wab by 
his last sickness, for he was nivir well ten days togither during 
the whole of his confinement ; and I believe his death was 
brought about by his aitin' too much of rabbit stuffed with pais 
and gravy, or pais and gravy stuffed with rabbit ; but be that 
as it may, when he brathed his last, his docther gave up all 
hope of his recovery. I needn't tell ye anything about his 
age, for ye well know that in June next he would have been 
just seventy-five years old lackin' ten months, and had he lived 
till that time, would have been just six months dead. His 
property now devolves to his next of kin, which all died some 
time ago, so that I expect it will be divided between ns ; and 
ye know his property, which was very large, was sold to pay 
his debts, 'and the remainder he lost at a horse race ; but it was 
the opinion of iverybody at the time he would have won the 
race, if tlie baste he run aginst hadn't been too fast for him. 

I niver saw a man in all my life, and the docthers all said so 




*It'a a fine ear the bird has got tor mnaio. bui he's got a irondeifal 

conld." (See page 283.) 



388 nosH BULU9 A^iH ULVWSm. 

toBt observed directions or took medicine bettiher than ne did. 

He said he would as leve dhrink bitter as sweet if it had only 

the same taste, and ipecakana as whisky punch, if it would 

only put him in the same humor for fightin'. But, poor sowl ! 

he will niver ate or dhrink any more, and ye haven't a Kvin' 

relation in the world except meself and yer two cousins who 

were kilt in the last war. I cannot dwell on the moumftd 

subject any longer, and shall sale me letther with black salin 

wax, and put it in yer uncle's eoatof-arms. So I beg ye not to 

brake the sale when ye open the letther, and don't open it 

until two or three days afther ye resave this, and by that time 

ye will be well prepared for the sorrowful tidings. Yer old 

sweetheart sinds her love unknownst to ye. When Jarry 

McOhee arrives in America, ax him for this letther, and if he 

don^t brung it from amongst the rest, tell him it's the one that 

spakes about yer uncle's death, and saled in black. — ^I remain 

yer affectionate ould grandmother, 

Bbzdgbt O'HoouDOomc 

P.S. — Don't write till ye resave this. 

N.B. — ^When yez come to this place stop, and don^ rade any 

more until kny next 

An English gentleman was writing a letter in a coffeeJiouse, 
and perceiving an Irishman stationed behind him reading it, 
said nothing, but finished his letter in these words : 

^^ I would say more, but a big, tall Irishman is reading over 
my shoulder every word I write.'* 

^^ You lie, you scoundrel ! " said the self-convicted Hibemian. 

« « 

« 

Two Irishmen, in crossing a field, came in centaot with a 
jtackass, which was making ^^ daylight hideous" with his im- 
earthly braying. 

Jemmy stood a moment in astonishment, then turning to 
Pat, who was also enraptured with the song, he remarked : 

^^ It^s a fine ear the bird has got for music, but he^s got a 
wonderful cowid/^ 



WIT AND HUMOR. 284 

An Irishman, hearing of a wonderful musician, concluded to 
take lessons from him, and inquired of his terms. The answer 
was: 

^^Six dollars for the first month and three dollars for the 
aeoond month. '^ 

^^Then," said tlie Irishman, ^^Tll oome the seoond month.'' 

^^It's a great comfort to be left alone," said an Irish lover, 
^^ especially when your sweetheart is wid youJ*^ 

An Irish editor, in speaking of the miseries of Ireland, says : 
^^ Her cup of miseries has been for ages overflowing, and is 
not yet full *' 

« 

A spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish 
papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whisky on sale 
wMch wa^cbrwnJc hy his l^f^ Majesty while in DvbUn. 



w 



A music dealer, not long since, received the following order : 
^^ Please send me the music to ^Strike the Harp in Praise of 
God and Paddle Tour Own Canoe.' " 



* # 



A venerable Irish lady in Taunton, Mass., went into the 
telegraph office, the other evening, and stated her wish to send 
a message to her son in a neighboring city. Whereupon tlie 
obliging operator asked her if he should write it for her, to 
which she hesitatingly responded : 

"Av ye plaze, Mister, I'll do it mesel^ for James knows 
my writing." 






A Yorkshire clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, 
began by gravely remarking : 

^* If all the world were blind, what a melancholy dght it 
would be 1 ^ 



285 IBI8H BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 

TWO Iriabmen wei^ working in a qiaany when one of them 
fell into a deep quarry hole. The other, alarmed, came to the 
margin ef the hole and called out, ^^ Arrah, Pat, are ye killed 
entirely? If ye^re dead, spake." Pat reassared him from the 
bottom by saying in answer, ^^No, ISm, Pm not dead^ bat 
Fm spachless. " 

« 

^^I am a native American citizen, bom, bejabers, in this 
country," said Mr. Muldoon, at a recent political gathering, 
^'and if ye disbelieve it, come around honie and I will show 

ye me naturalization paphers/* 

« « 

« 

A lady the other day, meeting a girl who had lately left her 
service, inquired, '^ Well, Mary, where do you live nowf 

"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the 
girl ; '^lam ma/rrtedJ^^ 

« 

Some years ago two Irishmen were carrying the hod at a 
new brick building going up on the street fronfing oil the 
North River, New York. At noon, one of the Ounard steam- 
ers, going out to sea, fired ofi* the usual guns. 

" Do you hear that, Larry ? " 

" The goons, do you mane J What is it f " 
Why, ov ooorse ; it's an arrival goM (ndf ^ 



u 



« « 

« 



** Where did you put the hoe I saw you wid t ^ 
"Ifs gono intirely, feyther." 

*• Thin I'll break ivery bone in your body wid it if you don^ 
find if' 



» 



An Irishman, hearing of a friend who had a stone coffin 
made lor himself, exclaimed : 

^^ Faith, that's good Sure an' a stone coffin 'ud last a man 
a lifetime." 



WIT AND HUMOR. 286 

A colored clergyman in Philadelphia recently gave notice 
as follows from the pulpit: "There will be a four-days' 
meeting every evening this week, except Wednesday after 
noon." 

Captain. "How many fathoms?" 

Pilot. "Can't touch bottom, sir." 

Captain. "Well, d — n it, how near do you come?" 

An Irish magistrate, censuring some boys for loitering in 
the streets, argued: "If everybody were to stand in the 
street, how could anybody get by?" 



« « 



^^ Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another f 
*'Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, ** and 
d great deal bether." 



« « 



Said an Irish justice to an obstreperous prisoner on tnsi : 
^^ We want nothing bnt silence, and bat little of tfaat^ 



* 

n 



^^ Pat, do you understand French t 
Yis, if ifs shpoke in Irish. ^ 



(4 



• * 



A grocer in Washington advertises that he has ^^ whisky for 
sale that has been drunk by all the Presidents, from Gen. Jack^ 
son down to the present time.^ 



* 



A New Tork policeman swore to the following affidavit : 
" I hereby solenmly swear that the prisoner set upon me, 

calling me an ass, a precious dolt, a scarecrow, a ragiumnffin, 

and idiot, all of which I certify to be true." 



« • 



Brown, the other day, while looking at the skeleton of a 
donkey, made a very natural quotation. "Ah," said he, " v^* 
are fearfully and wonderf ullv mad^/' 



tt7 IBIBH BUUa ABO JULDNDSBS. 

An Iriahman once ordered a painter to draw his pictoro and 
to represent him standing behind a tree. 



Natural Blnndar.* 

^^Yon made these boots, didn^tyont" asked a mad man with 
with a bau-fitting pair of shoes. 

^' Yes," said the shoemaker, looking np from his last, ^^I 
made 'em.'' 

^^ Well, confound it I I told you to make one larger than the 
other, didn't I?" 

"Yes, and I did." 

"No you didn't either. One is smaller than the other.** 

*^ But change that big boot onto the big foot and see if it 
won't fit," said the shoemaker. 

" By gum ! you're right One is bigger than the other.** 

• « 

* 

*^ Do you call that a veal cutlet, waiter t " said a customer 
^^ Why, it is an insult to a calf to call that a veal cutlet ** 



^^I didn't mean todnault you, air," said the waiter. 



\ 



SCHOLaSTIC WIT 

/ 

8ohool» OoUeste, Teacher, and Pmd. 

A Harvard professor, dining at the Parker House, Boston, 
ordered a bottle of hock, saying as he did so : 

^^ Here, waiter, bring me a bottle of hoek — Amt, haOy koc.^ 

The waiter, who had been to college, smiled, bat never 
•tirred. 

^^What are you standing there fort" exclaimed the pra 
fessor. " Didn't I order some hock t " 

^' Yes, sir," sdd the waiter, ^' yon ordered it, but yon aftaik 
wards declined it'^ 

German Student Pompoeltsr* 

A party of American travellers were on the railroad platform 
at Heidelberg. One of the travelers happened to crowd a 
Heidelberg student, when he drew himself up, scowled pom~ 
pously, and said: 

*^Sir, yon are crowding ; keep back, sir I " 

^^ Don't you like it, sonny? " asked the American. 

^^Sir I " scowled the student, ^^ allow me to tell yon, air, that 
I am at your service at any time and place." 

Oh, you are at my service, are you ! " said the American. 

Then just carry this satchel to the hotel formel " 






▲ CUDeffian'B Unbelief Oined. 

^^I dcmH believe much in the things spoken of in fbe faflda' 
said a collegian to an old Quaker. 

Does thee believe in France? ^^ asked the Quaker. 

288 



(i. 



289 soHOLAflno wit. 

^^ Yes, I do ; I never saw it, but I have plenty of proof that 
there is such a conntrj.'^ 

^' Then thee does not believe in anything nnless thee or thy 
friends have seen it ? '' 

"No, sir, I do nof 

"Sid thee ever see thy own braiDsf 

"No.'' 

" Did thee ever know of anybody that has seen thy brainst" 

"No." 

"Does thee believe thee has any ? " 

The oollegian had nothing more to say on the subject 

Tl^ following is the reply of a fond father, who had jast 
received a letter from his son, a stndent in his own alma 
mater : " My dear son — Accept my heartiest congratulations. 
I was engaged to the same Miss Banter when I was in college, 
and can appreciate the fun you are having. Gk> it while yon 
are yonng. Your loving &ther." 

« « 

« 

Pro£ Blackie once chalked on his notice board in college : 
^^The professor is unable to meet his classes tomorrow." 
"A waggish student removed the 'c' leaving Masses.' ^^ 

When the professor returned, he noticed the new rendering. 

Equal to the occasion, the professor quietly rubbed out the 

"1" and the notice read : 
**The professor is unable to meet his asses tomorrow. '^ 

BOi Perldzis on Dr. McCk)8h*s Impression. 

" Ah, I have an impression I " exclaimed Dr. McOosh the 
president of Princeton college, to the mental philosophy class. 
"Now, young gentlemen," continued 'the doctor, as he touched 
his head with his forefinger, "can you tell me what an im- 
pression is?' 



«j»> 



Wn AND HUMOB. 290 

No answer. 

'^ What ; no one knows ? No one can tell me what an im« 
pression is ! '^ exclaimed" the dorter, looking np and down the 
class. 

*' I know," said Mr. Arthur* "An impression is a dent in 
a soft place." 

"Young gentleman," said the doctor, removing his hand 
from his forehead and growing red in the £eu^ "yon are 
excased for the day." 

A freshman hesitates on the word "connoiasenr." 
Prof. " What would you call a man that pretends to know 
everything ? " 
Freshman answers : " A professor." 

* « 

Yale student, reading Vergil — "Three times I strove to cast 
my arms about her neck, and — ^thaf s as far as I got, professor." 

Prof Thatcher : " Well, Mr. Evarts, I think that was quite 
tiw enough." 

A Brlgrht Student. 

The Rev. Dr. Sanson, of Edinburgh, was examining a stu- 
dent before the class, and these were some of the results : 

"And you attend the class for mathematics?" asked the 
Doctor. 

"Yes, sir." 

" How many sides has a circle if ^ 

"Two," said the student. 

" What are they ? " 

" An inside and an outside ! " and then the class roared. 

The Doctor was nonplused^ but continued the examination : 

'^ And you attended the philosophy class also % " 

"Yes, sir." 



:;^91 80H0LABTI0 WIT. 

^^ Well, 76a would hear lectures on subjects. Did you ever 
Vear one on cause and effect ? ". 

"Yes, sir." 

" Does an effect ever go before a cause t ^ 

"Yes, sir." 

" Oive me an instance." 

" A man wheeling a barrow.'' 

The dass roared again, and the Doctor asked no more que& 
tions. 

A Olaas Joke that Blicked Baok. 

^' Where is the place in the horizon called the zenith?" 
asked Prof. Jackson of the mathematical astronomy class at 
Union College. 

"It is the spot in the heavens directly over one's head," 
remarked John Bailey. 

" Oan two persons have the same zenith at the same time? '' 
asked Prof. Jackson, with a twinkle of his eye. 

"They can, sir," answered Mr. Bailey, 

" How? " asked the Professor, who thought he was on the 
eve of a class joke. 

"Why, when pne stands on the other's head I " 



A Wasted Bduoatlon. 

Ofie P. load, 

"Jim, it do seem to me dat yer's putting yer edycation ter 
a mighty po' use. I ain't heard a big word from yer yet I 
can un'erstan' yer gist as well as I did 'fore yer went ter dat 
school. £f a man's edycated I want him to talk so I can't 
un'erstan' him. Me and yer mudder hab been taUdn' 'bout dis 
matter, an' we'se so grieved way down in de flesh. Jim, what\< 
de big word fur grasshopper ? " 

" Orthopterous insects of the g^nus gryllus, according to 
Webster," replied the young man. 



WIT AND BxmotL 292 

^ Bnt de tather day when dem folks was heah jer spoke of 
a grasshopper jest de same as de ignorantest nigger in de 
coantry, and brought shame down on de heads of yer mudder 
and myself. What's de big word for goat ? " 

^^Mammiferous quadruped of the genus capra,'' answered 
the young man. , 

'^ But why didn't yer say so 'stead of sayin' goat like a nig- 
ger, an' bringin' de tingle ob embarrassment to yer fader's 
&ce } What did I gin yer dat schoolin' for — to talk like an 
nnedycated son of a po' white man ? Think dat Fse gwine ter 
keep yer heah in idleness 'lessen yer can reflee credic on de 
family f Jim, what is de big word for fool ? " 

'•I don't know, sir." 

*'Ter don't? Den yer ain't 'quainted wid yerselfl ^Ter 
doan' recognize whar yer stands. Go out dar in de field wid a 
mule an' identify yersel£" 



H6w GHrls Study. 

SeBe MeDmuML 

Did you ever see two girls get together to study of an even* 
ing ? I have, and it generally goes like this : 

^^In 1673 Marquette discovered the Mississippi. In 1678 
Marquette dis — -, What did you say, Ide ? You had ever 
so much rather see the hair coiled than braided ? Yes, so had 
L It's so, much more stylish, and then it looks classical, too; 
but how do you like — O, dear I I never will learn this lesson I 

in 1863 Lafayette discovered the Wisconsin. In 1863 La- 
fityette discovered the — well! what's the matter with me, 
anyhow I In sixteen seventy-three Marqv£tte discovered the 
Mississippi. I don't care if he did. I suppose the Mississippi 
would have got along just as well if Marquette had never 
looked at it. Now, see here, Ide, is there anything about my 
looks that would give you to understand that I know when 
Oolumbus founded Jamestown, and how George Washington 
won the battle of ShilohP Of course there isn't. HistorF'^* 




" Yer doAD' teeognlze wbar yer •t&ndi.'' (See paf^e 291} 



0OBQLAgno wir. 998 

horrid study anyhow. No use, either. Now, French is ever 
so much nicer. 1 can introduce French phrases very often, 
and one must know I have studied the language. ^ What is the 
lesson tomorrow? O, yes ; conjugation of parler. Let's see ; 
how does it commence? Fe parle, tu parle, il par — il pa — ^il — 
well, il, then ! 

"Conjugations don't, amount to anything. I know some 
phrases that are appropriate here and there, and in most every 
locality ; and how's anybody going to know but what I have 
the conjugations all by heart? 

*'Have I got my geometry? No, Pm just going to study it 
Thirty-ninth, is it not ? 

*'Let the tri-angle ABC, tri-angle A B — say, Ide, nave 
you read about the Jersey Lily and Freddie? 1 thiiik it is 
just too utterly ut, and Freddie is simply gorgeous. I'm com- 
pletely crushed on him — 

*• Oh, this theorem ! 

"Let the tri-angle A B C be right-angled at B. On the 
side B C erect the square B D, on the side A B, the 
square A L On the side — did I tell you Sister Carrac- 
ciola gave me a new piece today, a sonata? It is really 
intense. The tones fairly stir my soul. I am never going to 
take anything but sonatas after this. I got another new piece, 
too.- Its name is Etudes. Isn't it funny ? I asked Tom this 
noon what it means, and he says it is Greek for nothing. It 
is quite apropos, for there is really nothing to it — the same 
thing over and over. 

" Where was I ? O, yes, the side A C, the square A E. 
Draw the line — come on, let's go at our astronomy. It's on 
^ Are the planets inhabited? ' 

" Now, Ide, I think they are, and I have thought about it 
a great deal. I banged my hair again last niglit. I wanted a 
Langtiy bang just too bad for any use, but pa raved, and I 
had to give in. Yes, I think they are inhabited. I should 
like to visit some of diem, but yon would not catch me living 



20^- WIT AND HUMOR. 

on Yenns. ESght seasons ! Jast think how often we would 
have to have new outfits to keep np with the styles. 

^^ What ! yon are not going? I am so sorry, but I suppose 
yon are tired. I am. It always makes me most sick to study 
a-whole evening like thisl I think sister ooght to give us a 
picture," 

And they go to school the next morning and tell the other 
girls how awfully hard they have studied* 

Bound or Flat^ 

A Buffalo teacher was being examined by the school board. 
Among the questions asked was this : 

" Do you think the world is round or flat ? ** 

^^ Well," said the teacher, as he scratched his head in. deep 
thought, ^^ some people think one way and some another, and 
in teadi round or flat, just as the parents please." 

ftaotioe v& Theoretioal Kiiowled^a 

A college professor was being rowed across a stream in a 
boat. Said he to the boatman : 

"Do you understand philosophy?* 

" No, never heard of it " 

" Then one quarter of your life is gone. Do you understand 
geology ? " 

"No." 

"Then one-half of your life is gone. Do yon understand 
Mtronomy ? " 

"No." 

"Then three-quarters of your life is gone." 

But presently the boat tipped over and spilled both into the 
river. Says the boatman : 

"Can you swim!" 

"No." 

"Then the whole of your life is gona* 



•OHCKLASnO WIT. 995 



Wbot of One Term in Oollege. 

When young Mr. Spitzw left home for college, he took leave 
of his mother in this manner : 

^'Mother, I will write often and think of yon constantly.'' 

When he returned, two years later, he remarked to the an« 
zions parent : 

^^ Deah mothaw, I gweet yon once moah I ^ 

Imagine the feelings of a fond mother. 



Tbe Bflbot of BdnoatloiL 

Jake was heard calling across the fence to his neighbor's son, 
a colored youth, who goes to school at the Atlanta Oolored 
University : 

^^Look hyar, boy, yon goes ter school, dont yerf 

"Yes, sir," replied the boy. 

" Oittm' eddykashnn, aint yerl^ 

"Yes, sir.'' 

^^Lamin' rithmetick and figgerin* on a date, eht* 

"Yes, sir." 

"Well, it don't take two whole days to make an hoar, do 
it!" 

" Why, no I " exclaimed the boy. 

"Yon was gwine ter bring dat hatchet back in an hoar, 
wasn't yert " 

"Yes, sir." 

" An' it's bin two whole days since yon borrowed it Now, 
what good's eddykashnn gwine ter do yon thick-sknlled niggers 
when yon go to school a whole year an' den cant tell how long 
it takes to fetch back a hatchet t " 

The boy got mad and slnng the hatchet oyer ihe finoe aad 
half-way through an ash-barrel 



296 wrr and hukob. 

JL Smart Sttulentk 

'* Aim6tte« my dear, what conntiy is opposite to us, on the 
globe ? ^ asked a teacher. 

"Don't know, sir.'' 

"Well, now," continued the perplexed teacher, "if I were 
to bore a hole through the earth, and yoa were to go in at 
this end, where yon come out?" 

"Out of the holej sir," replied the pupil, with an air of tri- 
umph at having solved the great question. 

Teacher. " Who was the first man i " 

Head scholar. "Wasliington; he was the first in war, 
first in " 

Teacher. "No, no ; Adam was the first man." ' 

Head scholar. " Oh, if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose 
he was." 

« 

Abraham Lincoln was once talking about food for the army. 
From that the conversation changed to the study of the Latin 
language. 

"I studied Latin once," said Mr. Lincoln. 

" Were you interested in it? " asked Mr. Seward. 

"Well, yes. I saw some very curious things," 

"What?" asked Mr. Seward. 

"Well, there's the word hominy, which we have just 
ordered for the troops. I see how the word originated. I see 
it came from the Latin word homo — a man. 

" When we decline Aomo^ it is : 

Homo — a man. 

Hominis — of man. 

Homini — for man. 

So you see, hominy being * for man,' oomes from diA 

B.P. 



flOfioLAflrno wir. i07 



BoxBtility. 

A pedagogao told one of his scholars, a son of the Emerald 
Isle, to spell hostility. 

" H-o-r-s-«, horse," began Pat 

*' Not horse tility," said the teacher, " but hostility/' 

" Sure," replied Pat, ** an' didn't ye tell me the other daj 
not to say boss ? Be jabers, it's one thing wid ye one day and 
another the nixt." 

Child Philoaopby. 

"Eihel," asked the teacher, when Ethel had grown quite 
large, and began to think a little, '^whom do the Ancients 
say supported the world on his shoulders ? " 

**Atlas, sir." 

" Yes. Quite right Now, if Atlas supported the world 
who supported Atlae ? " 

*^ I suppose he married a rieh wife," replied Ethel, thought 
fully. 

Biunderinff Into the Truth. 

^^ When rain falls, does it e^er arise again f" asked the pro- 
fessor of chemistry. 
** Yes, sir." 
"When?" 

** Why, in dew time ^ 

**That will do, Mr. Mason. You can sit down." 

« » 

A colored lyceum in a Georgia college discussed the question, 
'* Which is de most useful, paper of gunpowder ! " • The debate 
was closed by a disputant who spoke as follows : 

"Mr. President: S'poee dar war a bar at de do', an' you 
war to go dar and shake de paper at him, you'd see what de 



298 wzr ASD humob. 

bar would do. Bnt jess slioot a cannon at him and see wlut 
comes. I calls for de question." 
The president forthwith decided in fiivor of powder. 

Wbat Ailed the Sohoolmaeten 

<<Oome here, sir!" said a stern parent ^^What is thit 
complaint the schoolmaster has made against jon t " 

^^ It^s just nothing at all, Pa; Yon see, Jimmy Hughes bent 
a pin, and I only just left it on the teacher's chair for him to 
look at,' and he came in without his specs and sat right dpwn 

on the pin^ and now he wants to blame me for it I " 

« * 

« 

Irritable schoolmaster. ^^Now, then, stupid, whafs the 
next word ? What comes after cheese ! ^ 
DuU boy. " A mouse, sir.'' 

^ A Flea fbr Precise Adjeotives and Advecta. 



The intellectual bankruptcy of many of our rich and vulgar 
people is shown by their eternally using such indefinite ad- 
jectives as "spoony," "nobby," "swell," "jolly," "loud," 
etc These terms are not in the dictionary, and us common 
people do not know what they mean. For example, I asked 
the fashionable Miss Astor the other day if she liked Mr. 
Brown. 

"Yes, rother, but yen kneuw he's too * swell ' for me, yeu 
kneuw," replied Miss Astor, pulling on her fourteen-buttoned 
gloves. 

Now I didn't know what Miss Astor meant by " swell," so 
I said : " If you refer to my friend Mr. Brown of Grace church, 
I beg to say you are wrong.- He's not swelled at all. It is all 
the result of a good ^ square,' healthy diet and gentle Sunday 
exercise. No, Miss Astor, there is no swell there — ^not a bl^ 
ofitl'» 



0GBOLA8no wir« 909 

^'Pshmrl Mr. Perldnsy we don^t meaii jonr ^pol^' Mr. 
Brown at all. We mean ' natty ' Fred Brown, of Fifth ave^ne,'' 
said Miss A. 

"Fred drives a ' nobby rig,' " continued Miss Astor. 

"Tes, awfhl ; but deuced Moud,'" suggested young Van- 
derbilt 

" ^ Jolly ' with the fellows, and awful ^ spooney ' on the girls, 
eh ? ^ suggested Lord Mandeville. 

"* You bet V ^ regular brick ! '" said Miss A., "but he ^ sours' 
on them quick. Don't mean business, Fred don't; he's 
< spooney,' then ^ chills ' all at once I " 

"like the sermon yesterday?" asked Lord Mandeville. 

" Pshaw t too slow !" said Miss Astor. " Kum, eh, to hear 
old Swope pitch into the Jews ? Did you notice Fanny Green 
laughing when he read about David ^ going for ' Goliah ? Ha! 
hat too funny. How did you like the singing! Just ^too 
tovely,* wasn't it ? " 

" Oh, * so-so,' Fact is, Pve * chilled ' on last year's operp^.' 
They're a ^bore.' Fm afraid our ^singing business' is going 
to *bust up.'" 

"Oh, awfiil ! that would be perfectly dreadful ! shocking ! ! 
perfectly atrocious ! 1 1 " etc., eta 

I find, on examination, that these terms are almost all 
foreign importations ; they came straight from London. They 
are siinply the Kterary coinage which passes among the Lon- 
don chaps, in the clubs, and in the ante-room after the Lord 
Mayor's dinner. 

It wounds my national pride to think that we have to depend 
entirely on England for these "cant" phrases. It is a sad 
thing that in bob-tail grammar, that great mark of civilization, 
we should be, indeed, behind London. With tears in my eyes, 
I turn away from the sad spectacle — ^a nation's humiliation. I 
resolve that we should be no longer eclipsed — ^that we shall 
^^ bang " the tail of language as well as they. 



800 WIT Ain> HUHOS. 

So I have inrented a new dictionary, or appropriated one 
which was being nsed by a young lady friend. 

Startling invention ! 

And 80 simple ! In five minntes' practice you can express 
precisely, by the terms of this new discovery, every sentiment 
or emotion of the human heart. linley Murray, who caused 
so much unhappiness to our forefathers, is at last superseded — 
eclipsed — " thrown into the shade." 

Thoughts are now expressed in percentages. One hundred 
is the superlative or the par basis of every emotion, quality, 
quantity, or sentiment. The rate below one hundred gives the 
precise positive and comparative value of the object rated. 

See how in our conversations we now eclipse the old 
^^ swells" of the Brevoort House and the cockney chaps of 
Rotten Bow t 

^^ How did you like Longfellow before he died, Miss 
Smith ! '' 

" lOO.** 

^ Tennyson ? ^ 

"75." 

Now, hate or disgust, which are negative emotions, or 
rather passions, are expressed by the negative sign ( — ) before 
the percentage, while positive passion of Love, as Lord Kaine 
calls it, or adoration, is expressed by the plus sign (+) aftei 
the percentage. 

" How did you like poor dead Walt Whitman ! " 

«<_6/> (She hates him). 

"Is Mr. Brown good-looking! " 

" 60." 

"Dress well?" 

"80." 

" How do you like him t ** 

•*95." (Strong friendship.) 

" How is the weather ? " 

'nOO.'' (Beantifhl.) (25, shabby ; 10, atrodoaa.) 



SOHOLAffnO WIT. 80) 

" What theatro do you like best ? " 

Wallack's, 95 ; Booth's, 90 ; Niblo's, 50 ; Boweiy, 90. 

*'Ifl Smith clever?" 

*'- 10.'' (HeV a fearful ** bore.") 

*' Do you love me, darling ? " 

"75." (Cool friendship.) 

" How do you like Mr. Thompson, the banker t^ 

" 105 +." (Heavens I She's in love with him.) 

"Like to dance the round dances ! " 

" 120 +." (Adores them !) 

*' Fond of the square dancesi " 

" — 25." (Despises them.) 

" Will you be mi/re to give me first ^ round ' at the next ln< 
auguration Ball ? " v 

"100." 

" How was Mr. Tweed for honesty ?" 

" — 75." (How much nicer than to say he stole I) 

" Was Mr. Greeley honest before he died ? " 

" 100 generally, 95 with Mr. Seward, 75 with CSonkling, 60 
with Grant, 5 with Murphy, and about 50 on Protection." 

" Do you think Mr. Dana used to love General Grant before 
they died?" 

"— 874i." 

" How much did Grant use to care t ^ 

"0,000,000,000." 



TeachinfiT a Boy to be Stadlous and Thouffhtft^ 

"Pa," asked Willie Jones, as he was studying his history 
lesson, " who was Helen of Troy ? " 

"Ask your ma," said Mr. Jones, who was not up in classic 
lore. 

"Helen of Troy," said Mrs. Jones, who was sewing a new 
heel on the baby's shoe, " was a girl who used to live with us ; 
she came from Troy, New York^ and we found her in an in- 



0OS WIT AND HUMOft. 

telligenoe oflBoe. She was the best girl I ever had befi»e your 
father struck Bridget" 

^^Did pa ever strike Bridget?" asked Willie, pricking ap hii 

'^ I was speaking paragorically, " said Mrs. Jones. 

There was silence for a few moments, then Willie came t^ 
another epoch in history. 

** Ma, who was Marc Antony i " 

^^ An old colored man who lived with my pa. What does il 
say about him there ? " 

^' It says his wife's name was Cleopatra.'' 

^^The very samel Old deo' nsed to wash for ns. Ifb 
strange how they come to be in that book." 

^^ History repeats itself," murmured Mr. Jones vaguely^ 
while Willie looked at his ma with wonder and admiration 
that one small head could carry all she knew. Presently he 
found another question to ask. 

**Say, ma, who was Julius OaBsar?'* 

^' Oh, he was one of the pagans of history," said Mrs. Jonas, 
trying to thread the point of her needle. 

^^ But what made him &mous ? " persisted Willie. 

"Everything," answered Mrs. Jones, complacently; "he 
was the one who said, ^Eat, thou brute,' when his horse 
wouldn't take its oats. He dressed in a sheet and pillow-case 
uniform, and when his enemies surrounded him he shouted, 
^ Gimme liberty or gimme death,' and ran away." 

" Bully for him I " remarked Willie, shutting up the book 
of history. "But say, ma, how came you to know so much I 
Won't 1 lay over the other fellows tomorrow, though ? " 

"I learned it at school,'' said Mrs. Jones, with an oblique 
glance at Mr. Jones, who was listening as grave as a statue. 
"I was always a very close student When other children 
were slidin' down hill winter evenings I was studying by the 
midnight oil. When my teacher told me anything I bIwbjs 
treaanied it np^ I always sought for wisdom and 



SGBOLAflnO WIT. 803 

"Well, I say, ma, who was Horace? " interrupted Willie. 

"Your pa will tell you about him, I am tired," said Mrs. 
Jones. 

Then she listened with pride and approval while Mr. Jone% 
informed his son that Horace was the author of the Tin 
Trumpet and a rare work on farming, and the people's choice 
for President, and only composed Latin verses to pass away 
the time and amuse himself. 

Llpo CkmJucrated. 

Dr. McCosh was hearing the Greek redtatiion when he was 
a young professor in England. 

"Nbw, young men,'' he said, "the verb is Upo^ conjugate 
it, Mr. Mason." 

*' Lvpo^ lipo^ U -^ 

"No, dpas^^^ prompted Dr. McOosh. 

^^ I make it next ! " shouted a half-sleeping sophompra, 

» « 

* 

Teacher. "Well, how stupid you are, to-bensurel Oant 
multiply eighty-eight by twenty-five ! Fll wager that Charles 
can do it in less than no time." 

Abused pupiL " I shouldn't be surprised. They say that 
fools multiply very rapidly these day&" 

Bex Fuffit. 

It was in a Latin class, and a dull boy was wrestling witi 
the sentence "Eex ftigit," which, with a painful slowness o^ 
f^mphasis, he had rendered, " The king flees." 

"But in what other tense can the verb ' ftigit ' be foundt " 
sulked the teacher. 

A long scratching of the head, and a final answer of ^^Pir 
feet," owing to a whiq;)ered promptiogi 

22 



304 wrr and huxos. 

** And how would you translate it then ? ^ 

•'Dun-no." 

"Why, put a 'has' in it" 

Again the tardy emphasis drawled out, " The king has fleas. " 

Popular Brrors p^bout *Wit, Humor and Laughter. 

ifeMUe D, London, XJU. 

What causes laughter? 

All the old writers and rhetoricians from Plato to Lord 
Kames Ijave agreed that laughter is caused by wit, and that 
wit is a " shprtUved surprise." They say laughter is caused 
by a short-lived surprise. But the old writers are all wrong. 
Laughter is always caused by some deformity in art or nature 
It is caused by deformed music, deformed grammar, deformed 
rhetoric, deformed logic, deformed language and deformed 
truth itsel£ If surprise alone would cause laughter, then those 
passengers who were pitched over Aslitabula bridge would have 
screamed with laughter. If surprise would cause laughter, 
then a man would laugh when he is shot in the back. No, 
my fidends, surprise unless caused by a deformity will not 
cause laughter. It is the deformity that does it The deform^ 
ity is the real cause of the laughtelr. You wouldnH; laugh at 8 
beautiful swan, but if you were walking along, and should tee 
a double headed rooster running both ways to get away from 
itself, you would burst out laughing. 

The deformities that produce laughter the quickest can be 
mentioned. 

Deformed grammar is a very fertile source of fmi. To illus- 
trate : To a little girl leamiDg to read I said, 

"Didn't you have a hard time learning to read ? " 

"Yes," she said, " I did have a hard time learning to read, 
but I kept on learning to read and bimeby I rode^ 

You remember the little girl wlio did not want her sister lo 
skin a potato for her, ^^ You need r\ot skin a potato for me 
Jenny," she said ; "X have one already skun." 



80HOLA8TIO WIT. 805 

Again, I met two chambermaids who were talking about 
banging their hair. One asked the other if she banged her hair. 

*^ Yes, Mary," she said, '*I bang my hair — keep a banging 
it, but it don't stay bung !" 

The Ibllowing couplet about Boss Tweed is a very good in- 
stance of deformed grammar : 

A cautious look around he stole, 

His bags of chink he chunk ; 
And many a wicked smile he smolei 

And many a wink he wunk. 

Deformed rhetoric, the anti-climax, is a prolific 8omt» oi 
laughter. For instance, I once heard a New Jersey clergyman 
describing a storm, and he described it like this : ^^ The winds 
howled like the roaring of Niagara, the thunders rumbled and 
grumbled and pealed like Vesuvius laboring with a volcano, 
the lurid lightnings flashed through the sky like — ^like sixty t " 

Deformed music and deformed oratory always produce 
laughter. The speaker now gave instances of deformed oratory 
that set the house in a roar of laughter. These instances can 
not be reported without destroying them. Deformed language 
(the dialects and all stammering stories) is always funny. The 
Irish, Dutch and Negro dialects are simply instances of de- 
formed language. • 

All stammering stories are funny, on account of the deform- 
ity of the language. For instance, my old rat story told years 
ago about our stammering New York banker, Mr. Travers. 

One day Mr.- Travers went into a dog fancier's on Centre 
street to buy a rat-terrier. Turning round to the dog merchant, 
he asked : 

*i Have you got an-any rat-rat-rat terriers ? " 

*^ CSertainly," said the man. ^^ Can't you see them all around 
here?'' 

** Can your rat>rat-rat terriers catch a— catch a r-r-rat i ** 

^^ OertainlY, that is what they are for, to catch rats.'^ 



806 WIT AUD UUMOB. 

"Well, won't you put one of your ratrrat-rat-terriers into a 
box here w-w-with some rats and let me see him o-c-catch one.'' 

The dog fancier put the rat terrier into a box with five or six 
large rates, and one of them, a ferocious fellow, made a dive 
tor him, caught him by the throat and lulled him — killed the 
aog! Mr. Trayers eyei the dead dog a moment, and then 
putting his hand into his pocket, said: 

" Well, my friend, w-what will y-y-you take for the r-r-rat?'\ 



CLERICAL WIT AND HUMDR. 



"Wit of DivixieB and Ohurohznen. 

^^ Mr. Beecher," said Gteneral Grant to the famons Brook- 
lyn divine, one day, ^^why does a little fault in a clergyman 
attract more notice than a great fault in a bad man ? " 

"Perhaps — " said Mr. Beecher, thoughtfully, ''perhaps it is 
for the s^me reason that a slight stain on a white garment ie 
more readily noticed than a laiger stain on a colored one." 



Cardinal McCloikey wants Inlomiation. 

Eii PsrfelM. 

One day Cardinal McGloskey, who always likes a good cleri- 
cal jokei met Mr. Talmage and made some enquiries about 
Flymonih churcb^ presided over by Mr. Beecher. 

"I see," said the Cardinal, ''that in speaking of Mr. 
Beecher's church you always say the Plymouth brethren ! ^ 

^^ Yes^ '' said Mr. Talmage# ' ' Plymouth brethren means the 
ehnrch.'' 

" But when you speak of the Plymouth brethren why do you 
not speak also of the Plymouth sisters ? " 

"Because,'' said Mr. Talmage with a twinkle of the eye, 
'^because I suppose the brethren embrace the sisters." 



Never Qet Efacoited. 

^'Boys," said a good old clergyman to the boys in the bibte 
dass, '^ you should never lose your tempers. You should never 
swear or get angiy or excited. I never da Now to illustrate, 



30g WIT AKD HUHOB. 

jon all wee that little fly on my noee. A good many wicked 
men would get angry at that fly, but I don^t. I never lose my 
temper. I simply say: *Go away, fly— go away '—oomrouNE 
rrl it's A wasp!!!** 

The Sabbath-Sohool Lesson. 

^ "" My dear children," said a kind old clergyman to the Sab- 
bath-school, who was showing off his school to some visiting 
clergymen, ^^ I am going to tell you about Peter. Who knows 
who Peter was?" 

There was no reply. 

"Can't any of ypu large boys tell who Peter was?" he con- 
tinued, looking at the large boys and girls. 

The big boys andjgiris were utterly dumb. 

" Can any little boy or girl in the school tell me who Peter 
was?^' urged the clergyman. 

^' I can," said a little fellow in the comer. 

"Ah! that's a good boy! Now, you come by my side and 
stand up on this chair, and tell those big boys and girls who 
Peter was." 

The little fellow mounted the chair, and in a shrill voice 
repeated: 

"Peier, Peter, pnmpkin eater. 
Had a wife, and oonldn't keep her." 

At this point be was stopped by the alarmed clergyman, but 
not before the children all took up the rhyme and repealed it 
loudly to the close. They all knew who Peter was. 

Of course the visitors screamed with laughter. 

Didn't Want to Cool Off the Meeting. 

Bishop Ames tells a story of a slave-master in Missouri, in 
the olden time of negro vassalage, who said to his chattel: 
^ Pompey, I hear you are a great preacher." 



cffjERioAT, wrr Ain> Himoa. 809 

^^ Yes, massa ; de Lord do help me powerful sometimes.' 

*' Well, Pompey, don't you think the negroes steal little 
fchings on the plantation } '' 

" Tee mighty 'fraid they does, massa." 

'^Then, Pompey, I want you to preach a sermon to the 
negroes about stealing. '^ 

After a brief reflection, Pompey replied : 

^^ You see, raassa, dat wouldn't never do, cause ^twould trow 
such a coPness over the meetin'." 

* 
A good old Methodist preacher, long ago removed from this 

scene of temptation, in relating his ^' experience,^' said that 

woman's eye was once so powerful as to draw him thirteen 

miles over a rough road in winter, simply for her to tell him 

that she wouldnH marry hinu 

The Devil He. 

Highlanders have the habit, when talking their English, 
such as it is, of interjecting the personal pronoun '* he " where 
not required — such as ^'The King he has come," instead of 
"TlicBang has come." Often, in consequence, a sentence or 
an expression is rendered sufficiently ludicrous, as the sequel 
will show : 

A gentleman says he has had the pleasure of listening to a 
clever man, — ^the Rev. Mr. Bruce, of Edlnbuigh, — ^and recently 
he began his discourse thus : 

^^My friends, you will find the subject of discourse this 
afternoon in the first Epistle general of the Apostle Peter, 
diaptcr 5th and verse 8th, in the words, ^The devil he goeth 
about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.' 
Now, my friends, with your leave, we will divide the subject 
of our text to-dav into four heads : 

^^ f ^tly, we shall endeavor to ascertain ^ Who the devil he 
was.' 



810 WIT AKD HUMOB. 

-Secondly, we ahaH inqture into hfa geographical podtioi 
namely, ' Where the devil he was,' and ' Where the devil he 
was going^^ 

'^ Thirdly,- -and this is of a personal character, — ^ Who the 
devil he was seeking.' 

^' And fourthly and lasUy, we shall endeavor to solve a qaes- 
tion which has never been solved yet : — ^ What the devil be 
was roaring about.' " 

Whlsperinff Angeifc 

The Bev. Mr. Armour was more prominent in his day for 
the brilliancy of his imagination than the force of his logia 
At one time he was preaching on ^^The Ministry of Angels,'' 
and in the peroration he suddenly observed : 

^^ Methinks I hear an angel whisper now I " 

The change of tone startled the deacon, who sat below, from 
a drowsy mood, and, springing to his feet, he spoke : 

^^I guess it is the boys in the galleiy.'' 

Qpeoial Pragrer. 

^^TJncle Josh,'' I said, ^Mon't you believe in the efficacy of 
qsecial prayer ! " 

*^Dat depends. Mister Perkins, on what yo' pray for." 

'^How is that, Uncle Josh! " 

'^ Wall, I allays notice dat when I pray de Lord to send one 
of Massa Shelby's turkeys fo' de ole man it don't come, but 
when I prays dat Hel send de ole man for de tnil^ey my 
iprayer is allays answered." 

Better Than NotUns; 

A good old Methodist lady, very particular and veiy pious, 
9nce kept a boarding house in Boston. Staunch to her prind 
pies, she would take no one to board wbo did not h/M to tlie 




"WhMtdo ycm beUorvr" (Sm iwg*ni.) 



six GLBBICAL WTT AND HUMOB. 

eternal pnnishineiit of a lai^ portion of the race. But the 
people were more intent on carnal comforts than spiritual 
health, so that in time her house became empty, much to hei 
grief and alarm. 

After some time a bluff old sea captain knocked at the door, 
and the' old ladj answered tiie call. 

" Servant, ma'am. Can you give me board for two or three 
days ? Got my ship here, and shall be oii soon as I load.'' 

" Wa'al, I don't know," said the old lady. 

" Oh, house ftiU, eh ! " 

u No, but '' 

"But what, ma'am ?*• 

"1 don't take any unclean or carnal people in my house. 
What do you believe ? " 

"About what?" 

" Why, do you believe that any one will be condemned ?" 

"Oh, thunder! yes." 

" Do you i " said the good woman, brightening up. " Well, 
how many souls do you think will be on fire eternally I " 

" Don't know, ma'am, really — ^never calculated that." 

" Can't you guess ? " 

"Can't say — ^perhaps fifty thousand.'^ 

" Wa'al, hem I " mused the old woman ; " I guess I'll take 
you ; fifty thousand is better than nothing." 

The Oolored f^reaohar's Logla 

This incident really occurred in Zanesville, Ohio. The 
Judge mentioned was Judge Andrews, then a member of 
Congress. 

Pai*son Jones, an earnest preacher who has since been 
gathered to his fathers, was delivering the discourse at a re- 
vival meeting. The old colored man was eloquent and his 
logic was irresistible. 

" My dear friends and brethren," said he, " de sool ob de 



WIT AND HUMOB. 312 

brack man is as dear in de sight ob de Lord as de soul ob de 
wliite pian. Now you all see Judge Andrews a-sitting dah 
leaning on his golden headed cane ; you all kpow de judge, 
niggaSi and a berry fine man he is, too. Well, now, Pse 
gwine to make a little oomparishment : Suppose de judge, 
some fine momin' puts his basket under his arm and goes to 
market to buy a piece of meat Pie soon finds a nice, fat piece 
of mutton and goes off with it. Do you 'spose de judge would 
stop to Squire wedder dat mutton was ob a white sheep or ob a 
brack sheep ? No, nufiin ob de kind ; if de mutton was nice 
an' fat it would be all de same to de judge ; he would not stop 
to ax wedder de sheep had white wool or brack wool. Well, 
jis so it is wid our Hebenly Master. He does not stop to ax 
wedder a soul 'longs to a white nian or a brack man — wedder 
his head was kivered wid straight har or kivered wid wool ; 
the only question he would ax will be, ^Is dis a good aoulV 
and if so de Massa will say, ^ Enter into de joy ob de Lord, an' 
sit down on de same bench wid de white man ; ye's all on a 
perfect Equality. " 

211 Perktns TelLs Bow Tliey Swindled a Poor Olerffyman. 

The reason why I urge upon every one, however smart, not 
to put too much confidence in his own smartness, will be seen 
further on. 

Yesterday I had to wait several hours at Monmouth, I1L« 
a station on the Chicago, Burlington and Quincy road. Mon* 
mouth has been frequented by three-card monte men for years. 
I have always known it, haye often seen them there, and have 
often written about them. 

Well, yesterday they were there again. One of them, with 
a Canada-Bill dialect wanted to show me some strange ^ ^ keerds " 
that he got up in Chicago. 

^^ What were you doing up there," I asked, knowing that he 



313 OLSBICAL WIT AND HUMOII. 

was 4 diree-card monte man, and feeling an interest in his 
modesr 

^^Me and pap,'' he said, ^^took up some hogs. We took 
up a pile on 'em, an' made a heap ; but pap he got swindled 
by a three-keerd monte man. Got near ruined. But I grabbed 
the keerds, and I'll show you how they done it" 

"Never mind, boys," I said, "I know all about it I 
know the whole racket Now I'll keep quiet, mmd my own 
business, and let you try your mcnte game on someone a little 
more fresh." 

The monte-boy saw at once that I was posted, and soon 
turned his attention to a good-looking, jolly, young and inno- 
cent clergyman iu the depot In a few moments I saw that 
the innocent clergyman had become deeply interested. His 
interest grew as he watched the cards. There were three oir- 
dinary business-cards like these : 



ST. LOUIS RAILROAD, 



• •• ••• ••••••••••••••••••• 

• HT" T i^TTTQ TJ A TT "Or^ AT* • 

I TICKKT AGSMT. I 



: MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE (X)., j 

• • 

: NEW TOBK. : 



: MACrS DRY GOODS STORE, • 

: HEW YORK. : 

^I believe I can tell which card has 'Mutual Life Insiir- 
ance Co.' on it^" said the innocent clergyman. 



WIT AND HUHOB. 814 

'^ There, that one t ^' said tlie clergyman, smiling* 

Sure enough he was right 

^' 1 don^t see how your poor father could lose all his money 
at such a simple game as that,'' said the clergyman. ^^ Why 
your eyes can see the cards all the time/' 

^^Snppose you bet $5 that you can tell," suggested the 
monte-man. 

^^All right. 111 risk it," said the clergyman, ^^ though I 
don't like to win money that way." 

The cards were turned, and of course the poor, unsuspecting 
clergyman lost Again he tried it, hoping to get his $5 back, 
but lost again. Then he put up his last dollar, and lost that 
Then seeming to realize his situation^ he put his hand to his 
head and walked out of the depot 

^^To think," he said, ^^that I, a cleigyman^ should get caught 
at this game. Why I might have known it was three^sard 
monte. Fve no respect for myself," and he wiped his eyes like 
like a man who felt the most acute condemnation. 

" Why don't you complain of the scoundrel ? " I asked. 

^^ I would, but I'm a clergyman, and if they should hear of 
my sin and foolishness in Peoria, I would be relieved. My 
family would suffer for my sins." 

^^Then I'd keep quiet about it," I said ; ^^but let it be a 
lesson to you never to think you know more than other 
people." 

^^ But they've got my last dollar, and I want to go to Peoria. 
I must be there to preach on Sunday," said the innocent, suffer* 
ing man. 

" CanH; you borrow of some one ? " I asked. 

^^ No one knows me, and I don't like to tell mv name here 
after this occurrence," said the poor man, half crying. 

" Yery well," I said, "hand me your card, and I will let 
you have $5, and you can send it to me at the Palmer House, 
Chicago, when you get to Peoria," and I handed the poor man 
diemonej. 



315 



OLBmCAL WIT ASD HTOOB. 



A moment afterwards I spoke to the agent at the depot abom 
the wickedness of those monte men, and told him how I had to 
lend the poor clergyman $5 to get home. 
, ' ' And you lent him five dollars ? '' 

" Yes, I lent the poor man the money. '^ 

^^ Well, by the great guns I '^ and then he swang his hat and 
yelled to the operator : 

^^Bill, yon know that ministerial-looking man around here?^^ 

*^ You mean the capper for the three-card monte-men, don't 
you ? — ^Bill Eeyes — ^Missouri BilL** 

" Yes.'' 

^^ Well, by the great guns, he's the best man in the whole 
gang ; he's just struck old Eli Perkins for $5. It does beat 
me what blankety-blank fools them darned literary fellers 
arel'* 

The Unbeliever in Indiana. 

^^ Yes, sir, Fve been to Sodom and Gt)morry, and seen the 
pillar of salt Lot's wife was turned into." 

'^Good salt — genewine t " asked a Hoosier of the tiavelled 
gospeller. 

" Yes, sir, a pillar of salt I " 

" In the open air ? " 

*' Yes, sir, in an open field, where she fell." 

"Weil, all I've got to say is, if she'd dropped in Indiana, 
and in our parts, the cattle would have licked her up before 
sundown I " 



He Found The Wicked Man.' 

A celebrated camp-meeting reyivalist in Kentucky used to 
summon the worshipers to service after dinner by blowing a 
horn from the camp-meeting platform. One day a worldly- 
minded fellow who had never experienced the "wrath to 
come " poured some soft soap into the deigyman's tin hor n. 



WIT AND HUMOR. Si ' 

Of coarse, when he sounded the horn, he blew a blast of soft 
soap all over his astonished brethren. , Taking it from his 
month, the revivalist wiped the nozzle on his sleeve, looked 
over the congregation and cried out in his wrath : 

^^ Brethren, I have passed through many trials and tribnla- 
tions, but nothing like this. I have served the ministry for 
thirty years, and in that time have never uttered a profane 
word, but rU be cussed if I can^t whip the man that soaped 

that horn." 

» • » » • « • «, 

Some two days after the horn-soaping, a tall, swarthy, 
villanous-looking desperado strolled on the grounds, and 
leaned against a tree, listening to the eloquent exhortation to 
repent which was being made by the preacher. After a while 
he became interested, finally affected, and then took a posUion 
on the anxious seat, commenced groaning in ^^ the very bitter- 
ness " of his sorrow. The clei^yman walked down and en- 
deavored to console him. No consolation — he was too great 
a sinner, he said. Oh, no— there was pardon for the vileft 
No, he was too wicked — there was no mercy for him. 

*' Why, what crime have you committed ? " said the preacher : 
" have you stolen ? ^ 

'' Oh, worse than that 1 " 

" What ! have you committed perjury ? ** • 

'* Worse than that — oh, worse tlian tliat ! " sobbed the man. 

^^ Murder J is it? " gasped the horrified preacher. 

"Worse than that ! " groaned the smitten sinner. 

The excited preacher commenced taking off his coat 

'*Here, brother Cole!" he shouted, "hold my coat — Pve 
found the tellow that soaped that horn I ^' 

Very TruthftiL 

^^ Well, Father Brown, how did you like my sermon yester- 
day t " asked a young preacher. 
"Tesee, parson," was the reply, " I havent a fiur chanoe 



3X7 OLSBIOAL WIT AND BJSWXBU 

at chem sonnons of joum. Vm an old man now, and have to 
set putty well back by the stove ; and there^s old Mrs. Smith, 
'n widder Taif, 'n Mrs. Rylan's darters, and Nabby Birt, *n 
all the rest setting in front of me with tlieir mouths wide open 
a-swallerin' down all the best of the sermon ; ^n what gits down 
to me is putty poor stuff, parson, putty poor stuff. '^ 

» 
"Do you know why half-farthings are coined in England!^ 

asked a Scotchman of an Irishman. 

"'Faith an^ I do. It was to give Scotchmen an opportonity 

to subscribe to charitable institutions.^ 

" Mr. Smith," said a lady at a church festival, "won't you 
buy a bouquet to present to the lady you love? '' 

" That wouldn't be right," said Mr. Smith ; " Fm a married 



man." 



The Darky's H^ 

An old negro minister, in a sermon on Hell, pictured it as a 
region of ice and snow, where the damned froze throu^ 
eternity. 

" Why do you tell your congregation that hell is a cold 
place I " asked the visiting Bishop. 

" I don't dare to tell them people nothing else. Bishop. 
Why, if I was to' say that Hell was warm, some of them old 
rheumatic niggers would be wanting to start down the first 
frost" 

I Vash So Glad I Vaah Here. 

s 

« 

One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was 
holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on the 
subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he said that 
some believe it necessary to go down into the water, and come 
up out of it, to be baptized. But this he daimed to be (aOmisff 



WIT ASD HUM<nt 818 

« 

far liie preposition ^ ^ into " of the Scriptures should be rendered 
diiferentlj, as it does not mean into at all times. '^ Moses, ^ 
he said, ^^we are told, went up into the mountain; and the 
Savior was taken up into a hi^h mountain, etc Now we do 
not suppose either went into a mountain, but went unto it 
So with going down into the water ; it means simply going 
down close by or near to the water, and being baptized in the 
ordinary way, by sprinkling or pouring." He carried this 
idea out fully, and in due season closed his discourse, when an 
invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise and ex« 
press his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and 
said they were glad they had been present on this occasion, 
that they were well pleased with the sound sermon they had 
just heard, and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally a cor- 
pulent gentleman of Teutonic extraction, a stranger to ail^ 
arose and broke the silence that was almost painful, bs 
follows : 

^^ Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here tonight, for I 
has had explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could 
pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into at 
all, but shust close by or near to, for now I can, pelief many 
dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. Breacher, 
dat Taniel vosh cast into de ten of lions, and came out alife. 
Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts would shust eat« 
him right off ; but now it is fery dear to my mint He vash 
shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at alL 
Oh, I ish so glad I vash here tonight Again we reat dat 
de Heprew children vash cast into de firish furnace, and dat 
always look like a peeg story too, for they would have been 
pumt up ; but it ish all blain to my mint now, for dey was 
shust cast py oi^ close to de firish furnace. Oh, I vash so glad 
I vash here tonight And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat 
Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. 
Now I neffer could pelief dat It alwish seemed to me to be 
a peeg fish story, but it ish all blain to my mint now. He 



£119 OLBsiOAL wrr and humob. 

vBB not into de whale's pelly at all, but shnmp ontc his pock 
and rode ashore. Ob, I vash so glad I vash herb tonight. 

And now, Mister Breacber, if you will shusi exblain tw<-' 
more passages of Scriptares, I shall be oh, so happy dot I vos 
here tonight I One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be 
cast into a lake dat bums mit fire and primstone alwish. Oh, 
Mister Breacber, shall I be cast into dat lake if I am vicked, 
or shnst close py or near to — shust near enough to be comfort- 
able ? Oh I I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py a 
a good veys off, and I will pe so glad I vash here tonight 
De oder bassage is dat vich saish blessed are they who do 
these commandments, dat dey may kave right to de dree of 
life, and enter in droo de gates of de city, and not shust dose 
py or near to — shust near enough to see vat I have lost — 
and I shall pe so glad I vash here tonight" 

, A Novel View of Adam's VbXL 

The Bev. John Jasper, of ^Richmond, Ya., the author of fiie 
new sun-do-more doctrine, preached the following sermon on 
the fall of Adam : 

My tex, bnideren and sistem, will be found in de fus" chap- 
ter of Ginesis and de twenty-seben verse: ^^So de Lor^ make 
man jus' like Hese." Now, my bruderen, you see dat in de 
beginnin' ob de world de Lor^ make Adam. I tole you how 
he make him. He make ^im out ob clay, an' he sot 'im on a 
board, an' he look at him, an' he say, ^^ Firs' rate" ; and when 
he get dry he breathe in 'im de breff of life. He put him in de 
garden ob Eden, an' he sot him in one corner ob de lot, an he 
tole him to eat all de apples, 'ceptin' dem in de middle ob de 
orchard; dem he wanted for he winter apples. Byme-by 
Adam he got lonesome. So de Lor' make Ebe. I tole you 
how he make her. He gib Adam lodlum till he git sound 
'sleep; den he gouge a rib out he side and make Ebe; and he 
set Ebe in the corner ob de garden, an' be tole her to eat all 



WH' AND BVUOB. 

de apples^ ^ceptin' dem in de middle ob de orchard ; dem he 
winter apples. W\m day de Lor^ go out a bisitin^ ; de debbil 
cum along ; he dress hisselfin de skin ^b de siiake, and he find 
Ebe ; an' he tole her, " Ebe ! why for yon no eat de apple in 
de middle ob de orchard 2 " Ebe say : " Dem de Lor's winter 
apples.-' But de debbil say : ^^ I tolb you for to eat dem, case 
deys de best apples in de orchard." So Ebe eat de apple and 
gib Adam a bite ; an' debbil go away. Byme-bye de Lor' come 
home, an' he miss de winter apples; an' he call: ^^ Adam I 
you Adam I " Adam he lay low ; so de Lor' call again : "Ton 
Adam ! " Adam say : "Hea, Lor' I" and de Lor' say : "Who 
stole de winter apples 2 " Adam tole him* he don't know — 
Ebe he expec' 1 So de Lor' called : ''Ebe ! " Ebe she lay 
low ; de Lor' call again : " Tou Ebe I " Ebe say : " Hea, 
Lor'!" De Lor' say: "Who stole de winter apples?" Ebe 
tole hipi she don't know — Adam she expec' I So de Lor ootch 
'em boff, and he trow dem over de fence, an' he tole 'em, 'H3o 
work for your libin' I " 

• 

" Children," said a country minister, addressing a Smiday- 
school, "why are we like flowers! What do we have that 
flowers have ? " 

And a small boy in the infimts' class, whose breath smeUed 
of vermifuge, rose up and made reply : 

" Worms ! '' and the minister crept under the pulpit chair to 
bide his emotion. 

He Was Not SurprlaedL 

The travelling clergyman was a devout Christian, and had 
made the study of tlie Bible and a proper understanding of the 
big Book the highest aim in life. 

When he arrived at the sea of Galilee his heart was filled with 
awe. and he felt enervated and cleansed by the thought that 
he was gazing on the very ' spot where his Saviour once 

stood* 
22 



821 OTJCBTOAT* WIT ASD HUXOB. 

Approaching the ooatman, he addressed him in his choicest 
Arabic, and with Bible and oommentaiy in hand awaited an 
answer. 

** Ah I what 'smather'th yer f Why don't yer talk United 
States ? " asked the man contemptnoasly. He was a real liv& 
Yankee who was picking up a living by fenying tourists acrcsa 
the sea. 

^^So this is the sea of Oalilee,'' devoutly murmured the 
searcher after knowledge. 

"T-a-arS," 

'^ And this is where our Savior walked upon the wateraf '^ 

" Tara^.'' 

'^ How much will you duuge to take me to the exact spot?" 

^' Waral, you look like a clergyman, an' I won't chaige you 
nothin'." 

The devout one boarded the boat, and at last was pointed 
out where the miracle is said to have occurred. After gazing 
at the waters, and dividing his time between glances at his 
books and devout ejaculations of satisfaction, the searcher sig- 
kdfied his willingness to return. 

*^ Chaige you $20 to take you back," said the speculative 
Tankee. 

*' But you said you would chaige nothing." 

*^ Naw I didn't It yras nothing to bring yon out Twenty 
to get back." 

^^ And do you charge everybody $20 to take them back?'' 
asked the astonished teacher. 
> "Ya-a-s. That's about the figger." 

*^ Well, then," said the devout one, as he went down into 
his dothes, ^^ no wonder our Savior got out and walked." 

« 
" If the winds blow this way for another hour," said the cap 

tain on board of a ship in danger of being wrecked, to « 

passenger who was a cl«^rgyman, " wo shall all be in heaven.'' 

'*Go(i forliid! ' was the prayerful answer of ilie divine. 



Wn AMO HUIIOB. 322 

Moody's Bealistio Sermon* 

At a veiy reireehing season of revival in Chicago, Mr. Moodj^ 
amnoanced that he would devote an evening to the men con- 
nected with the roads, inviting them all to be present, and 
promising something that wonld be of interest to them. The 
night came aromid, and the railroad men were on hand. I^er- 
haps they did not take much stock in emotional religion, but 
they were prepared to pay respectful attention to anything that 
might be said. 

^^ Bing the boll I^ exclaimed Mr. Moody, plunging into his 
theme witliont further introduction, hoping to please his audi- 
tors he continued reference to their avocation. ^^ Toot, tooir-^ 
toot I Away we gcT I " and he began to hop up and down and 
stagger around the stage. His imitation of car motion was 
infectious, and the men bobbed around their seats. 

" We are plunging along at sixty miles an hour," he roared. 

The audience said nothing but looked at each other with 
raised eyebrows. 

" There is nothing between us and death I " continued Mr. 
-Moody. ^^ It is a station to which we are all bound I Look 
out ! Ha t That switch is open 1 Kow we are bound to eternal 
perdition ! There is no help for us I We are — ^ 

But aU he co aid see were assorted sizes of legs disappearing 
through doors and windows. There was but one man left in the 
audience, and he was screwing an imagmary brake with all his 
might. 

" My friend — " began Mr. Moody. 

"Jump, you idiot," roared the solitary Brakeroan. *<If 
we've cut the switch, and hell's ahead, you want to jump I ** 

" But you, my brother, but you — 1 " exclaimed Mr. Moody, 
hoping to impress one emotional soul. 

" Never mind me I " yelled the Brakeman, setting hia foot 
firmly and prouching over the wheel. " Never mind me t Pve 
been brakeman on this road for twenty-one years, and Fm 



B^;> CUBBtOAL Wtr ABB HUliOB. 

willing to lay off in hell for a little rest ! Jnmp, yon infernal 
fool, unless you're tired of preaching." 

Referring to tlie occasion subsequently, Mr. Moody so- 
lemnly affirmed that he had made his last effort at a realistic 
sermon. 

Leaving the Danoe to Pray. 

Do not think because I write about the follies and foibles of 
Saratoga that good and true men do not sometimes go there. 
The good man will be good everywhere. He will be just till 
he has no bread, just till he has ro drink, just chained to the 
stake, till he sees the faggots piled about him and curling flames 
gnawmg at his quivering flesh— clinging to the throne of God. 

In the mazes of the dance you will see brave men with hearts 
to love and pray ; Christian mothers with faces all aglow with 
tlie smiles of Heaven ; children with beautiful angel faces, and 
babes in arms, sweet blossoms bom from the bosom of Divinity. 

Last summer you might have seen enacted daily, at one of 
the most fashionable hotels in Saratoga, one of the sweetest 
incidents in the Oinstian life. As the thoughtless watering- 
place throng swayed in and out of the great dining-room, and 
the endless clatter of tongues and cutlery seemed to drown 
every holy thought, a silver-haired old man entered quietly at 
the head of his Christian fSEimily and took his seat at the head 
of the table. 

Instantly the laughing faces of a tableful of diners assumed a 
reverential look. Their knives and forks rested silently on the 
table while this silver-frosted Christian, with clasped hands, 
modestly murmured a prayer of thanks — a sweet benediction 
to (rod. The scene lasted but a moment ; but all day long the 
hallowed prayer of this good man seemed to float through the 
air, guiding, protecting and consecrating the thoughtless army 
of wayward souls. 

It was a long time before I could find out who this grand old 
Christian was ; but one night it came to us all at once. 



WIT AND mmxau 324 

That night 'a lovely Christian mother arose early fix>m the 
hop-room, with her two little girls, to return to her room. ^ 

''Why do you go so early, Mrs. Clarke I The hop is not 
half over," remarked a lady friend. 

''You will laugh at me if I tell you. Now, really, won't 
you, my dear ? " 

" No, not unless you make me," replied her friend. 

''Well then," said this Christian mother, as she leaned for- 
ward with a child^s hand in each of hers, '^ You know I room 
next to that dear, good old white-haired man, and every night 
at ten he does pray so beautifully that I like to go with the 
children and sit in tlie next room and hear him pray ; for I 
know when we are near his voice nothing can happen to the 
children." 

With tears in her eyes, her fiiend said, " Let me go witli 
you ; " and right there, in the middle of the lanciers, these two 
big-hearted Christian women went out with their children to go 
and kneel down by the door in the next room to listen to the 
family prayer of good old Richard Suydam. 

Speoial Prayer. 

Queer notions of prayer some people have. At a meeting 
in the nortlicm part of Maine, the pastor remarked that if any 
present had relatives or friends in distant lands, prayer 
would be offered in their behalf. Then uprose a simple- 
looking individual and said : 

" I would like you to pray for my brother. He went away 
two weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't 
know just where he is, but you needn't pray below Bangor." 

"Well, brother Slummidge, how much shall I put you down 
for to get a chandelier for the church ?" asked Parson Brown. 

"Shoo! Parson, what we want to get a chandeleer fori 
The' hain't nobody kin play on ter it when we do git it ! '' 



825 CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOB. 



An Bameert Response. 

A few years ago, at a negro camp-meeting held near Flash- 
ing, the colored preacher said : 

*'I tell you, my bhibbed bredem, dat de debble is a big 
hog^ an' one ob dese days he'll cum along an' root^oM all out" 

An old negro in one of the anxious pews, hearing this, raised 
himself from the straw, and, clasping his hands, exclaimed in 
the agony of his tears : 

^^ King him, Lord I ring him I " 

We Shall Meet Affain. 

One day a kind old clergyman got on the train near Auburn. 
He liad a sweet. Christian face and venerable silver hair. 
Near him sat five or six young ragamuffins — thoughtless Pas- 
cals, who, to annoy the good old minister, kept scoffing at 
religion and telling disagreeable stories. 

The good old man endured it all, hearing everything with- 
out answering, and without being moved. Arriving at his 
louniey's end, he got. out, and only remarked : 

"We shall meet again, my children." 

" Why shall we meet again ? " said the leader of the band 

" Because I am a prison cluiplain^'^ was the reply. 

FoDflrivinfir the Priest. 

"Tm ashamed to see you again in this beastly condition, 
Patrick, after the solemn promise, made only a week ago, that 
yon would nevermore get drunk, and after having taken tlie 
pledge. It's a burning shame to you," said Father Daly, 
" and a sin against God and the Church, and sorry I am to be 
obliged to say so." 

" Father Daly," said Pat, in a tone half tipsy, half laughing, 

^^ did you say you were sorry to see me so t " 
23 



wrr AHD HUHOB. 826 

** Tea ; I am indeed." 
** Are you sure you're sorry t ^ 
**Te8 ; very, very sorry." 

** Well, then, Father Daly, if you are sure youVe very, twrj 
Borrj — PU forgive youl ** 

iL Stronif lUnstratloii* 

A Hard Shell preacher wished to bring forth a good illustra- 
tion, as he tliought, and hence he took a toalntU^ as he called 
it, into the pulpit with him, and something to crack it with* 
On holding it up, in the course of his sermon, he said : 

" My friends, yon see this walnut — well, this outer hull here 
is like the Methodists, soft and spongy, with no strength into 
it; see, I even break it with my fingers,'^ and suiting the 
action to the words, he disclosed the inner nut, and said: 
^^this is like the Missionary Baptists, hard and dry, with no 
substance in it ; but the kumul — ^the kumul, my friends, is 
like the good old primitive hard-shell Baptist faith, full of 
fatness and sweetness." 

He then proceeded to crush the ^^ walnut" and give his 
hearers an oculai* demonstration of his illustration', but behold, 
it was rotten ; and, to the utter astonishment of his hearer's, he 
cried out : 

" By jinks! it's rotten.'* 

« 

Cold or Hot. 

Chas. A, Dana, 
An Irishman had a dream which taught him the dunger of 

delny. 

" I dreamed." said he, '* I iVMS wid da Pope, who wjis as 

f^reut a jitiMeraaii as aiiyomi m tho district, an' he azed me 

wad I drink. Thinks I, vrad :i duck swiiii? An' seoin' the 

whisky an' the lemon an' sngar on the sideboard, I told lii.'u I 

didn't care if I tuk a wee dhrap of punch. 'Cowld or hot?' 




"WaO, thui, FittberDftlr, rniMglmyiNL' (SMpa(*4HL> 



OLBBICAL Wir AND HUMOiB. 827 

axed the Pope. ^ Hot, your Holiness,' I replied ; aa' be that 
he stepped down to the kitchen for the bilin' water, but before 
he got back I woke straight up. And non it's distressin' me I 
didn't take it oowkL" 



Burdette and the Beliffioas Bseaksmaa. 

On the road once more, with Lebanon fadmg away in the 
distance, the fat passenger drumming idly on the window pane, 
the cross passenger sound asleep, and the tall, thin passenger 
reading *' Gten. Grant's Tour Around the World," and won- 
dering why Green's August Flower should be printed abovo 
the doors of a '^ Buddhist Temple at Benares." To me comes 
the brakeman, and seating himself on the arm of the seat, 
says: 

'* I went to church yesterday." 

^' Yes I " I said, with that interested inflection that asks for 
more. ** And what church did you attend ? " 

" Which do you guess ? " he asked. 

^^ Some union mission church ? " I hazarded. 

"Naw," he said, "I don't like to run on those branch 
roads very much. I don't often go to church, and when I do, 
I want to run on the main line, where your run is regular and 
you go on schedule time and don't have to wait on connections. 
I don't like to run on a branch* Gk>od enough, but I don't 
Uke it" 

"Episcopal?" I guessed. 

*^ Limited express," he said, "all palace cars and $2 extra 
ibr a seat ; fast time and stop at the big stations. Nice line, 
but too exhaustive for a brakeman. All train-men in uniform ; 
conductor's punch and lantern silver-plated, and no train-boys 
allowed. Then the passengers are allowed to talk back at the 
conductor, and it makes them . too free and easy. No, I 
couldn't stand the palace car. Bich road, though. tX>n't often 



828 WIT AND HXJHDB. 

hear of a receiver being appointed for that line. Some migbt]^ 
nice people travel on it to6. 

" Universalistt " I guessed. 

^^ Broad gauge,'' said the brakeman ; *^ does too mnch com- 
plimentary bnsiness. Everybody travels on a pass. Conduc- 
tor doesn't get a fare once in fifty miles. Stops at all flag 
stations and won't run into anything but a union depot No 
smoking car on the train. Train orders are rather vagae, 
though, and the train-men don't get along well with the pas- 
sengers. No, I didn't go to the Universalist, though I know 
some awfully good men who run on that road.'* 

" Presbyterian ? " I asked. 

"Narrow gauge, eh ? '* said the brakeman : ** pretty track, 
straight as a rule ; tunnel right through'^the mountain rather 
than go around it, spirit-level grade, passengers have to show 
their tickets before they get on the train. Mighty strict road, 
but the cars are a little narrow, have to sit one in a seat and no 
room in the aisle to dance. Then there's no stop-over tickets 
allowed, got to go straight through to the station you're ticketed 
for, or you can't get on at all. When the car's full, no extra 
coaches, cars built at the shops to hold just so many, and nobody 
else allowed on. But 3 ou don't hear of an accident on that road, 
it's run right up to the rules." 

"Maybe you joined the Free Thinkers?" I said. 

"Scrub road," said the brakeman: "dirt road bed, and no 
ballast, no time card and no train dispatcher. All trains run 
wild, and evexy engineer makes his own time just as he 
pleases. Smoke if you want to; kind of go-as-you-please 
road. Too many side tracks, and every switch wide open all 
the time, with the switchman sound asleep, and the target- 
lamp dead out Oct on as you please, and get off when you 
want to. Don't have to show your tickets, and the conductor 
isn't expected to do anything but amuse tlie passengers. No, 
sir; I was offered a pass, but I don't like the line. I don-t 
to travel on a road that has no terminus. Don't yoo know 



OUEBIOAL WIT AND HUMOB. 899 

lir, I asked a IXvision Superintendent where that road ran to, 
%nd said he hoped to die if be knew. I asked him if the 
Qeneral Superintendent could tell mc, and he said he didn^t 
believe they had a General Superintendent, and if they had^ 
ho didn^t know anything more about the road than tiie pas- 
sengers. I asked him who he reported to, and he said, ' no- 
body.' I asked a conductor who lie got his orders fix>m, and 
he said he didn't take orders from any living man or dead 
ghost And when I asked the engineer who he got his orders 
from, he said he'd like to see anybody g^ve him orders; 
he'd run that train to suit himself, or he'd run it into the 
ditch. Kow, you see, sir, I'm a railroad man, and I don't 
cai'e to run on a road that has no time, makes no connections, 
runs nowhere, and has no Superintendent. It may be all 
right, but I've railroaded too long to understand it" 

'^Did you try the Methodist? " I said. 

'^ Now you are shouting," he said, with some enthusiasm. 
Nice road, eh ? Fast time and plenty of passengers. Engi- 
neers carry a power of steam, and don*t you forget it ; steam 
gauge shows 100, and enough all tlie time. Lively road ; 
when the conductor shouts ^ all aboard I ' vou can hear him to 
the next station. Every train-lamp sliines like a headlight 
Stop-over checks given on all through tickets ; passengers can 
drop off the train as often as they like, do the stations two 
or three days, and hop on the revival train that comes thundering 
along. Good, whole-souled, companionable conductors ; ain't 
any road in the country where the passengers feel more at 
home. No passes ; every passenger pays full traffic rates for 
his ticket Wesleyanhouse air-brakes on all trains, too; 
pretty safe road, but I didn"*t ride over it yesterday. " 

"Maybe you went to the Congregational church," I said. 

" Popular road," said the brakeman ; " an old road, too, 
one of the very oldest in tlie country. Good road bed and 
comfortable cars. Well managed road, too ; Directors don't 
interfere with Division Superintendents and train orders. 



Wn* AXD UUMOB. 

Road's mighty popular, bnt it's prettj independent, too Sea^ 
didn't one of the Division Superintendents down East discon- 
tinue one of the oldest stations on the line two or three years 
ago? But it is a mighty pleasant road to travel on. AlWayp 
has such a splendid class of passengers." 

^^ Perhaps you tried the Baptist ? " I guessed once more. 

^^Ah, ha I" said the brakeman, ''she's a daisy, isn't she? 
River road ; beautiful curves ; sweep around anything to keep 
dose to the river, but it's all steel rail and rock ballast, single 
track all the way and not a side track from the round-house to 
the terminus. Takes a heap of water to run it, though ; double 
tanks at every station, and there isn't an engine in the shops 
that can pull a pound or run a mile with less than two gauges. 
But it nans through a lovely country ; these river roads always 
do ; river on one side and hills on the other, and it's a steady 
climb up the grade all the way till the run ends where the 
fountain-head of the river begins. Yes, sir, I'll take the rivei 
road every time for a lovely trip, sure connections and good 
time and no prairie dust blowing in at the windows. And 
yesterday, when the conductor came around for the tickets 
with a little basket punch, I didn't ask him to pass me, but 
paid my fare like a little man — 25 cents for an hour's run, 
and a little concert by the passengers throwed in. I tell you. 
Pilgrim, you take the river road when you want — ^ 

But just here the long whistle from the engine announced a 
station, and a brakeman hurried to the door, shouting : 

'* Zionsville I This train makes no stop between here and 
Indianapolis." 

Tha Minister Jokes His WiDs. 

Eli Perkins 

The Rev. George Hepworfch, who likes to tell a good joke 
on his wife, says that he had complained many times that 
his wife's mince and apple pies looked just alike. 

*'I can't tell your apple from your mince, my dear," he said, 
^ without tasting them.'* 



CLKBIOAL WIT AJTD HUMOR. 831 

'' ni fix that," said Mrs. Hepworth, " Til have the cook 
mark them/^ 

The next day when the pies came on Mrs. Hepworth said in 
triumph: '^ Now yon can tell the mince from the apple. IVe 
had this one marked T. M., His mince, and this one T. M., 
'taint mince ! *' 

• c- 

» 

"It isn't lond praying which counts with the lord so much 
as giving four full quarts of whisky for every gallon,'^ says an 
Arkansas circuit rider. 

A Stingy Oonsreflratloiii 

The hat was passed around a certain congregation for the 
purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the cir- 
cuit of the church, it was handed to the minister — who, by the 
way, had exchanged pulpits with the regular preacher — and he 
found not a penny in it. He inverted the hat over the pulpit 
cushion and shook it, that its emptiness might be known ; 
then, raising his eyes to the ceiling, he exclaimed with great 
fervor : 

" I thank Ood thatlgotback my hat fh>m fids congregation.'' 

« « 

« 

A thiek-headea squire, oeing worsted by the Bev. Sydney 
Smith in an argument, took his revenge by exclaiming : " If I 
had a son that was an idiot, by Jove, I^d make him a parson I '' 

"Very probable," replied Sydney, "but I see your fiither 
was of a very different mind." 

EQi Perkins On 8peolal Prayera. 

Elder. Smitzer was famous for making special prayers. In 
these prayers he used to tell the Lord everything. In fact he 
used to tell the Lord so much that he would have no space left 
for asking for the blessing. The elder would go on for a half 



832 wrr and humob. 

an hour informing the Lord about everything in Log CSty, and 
in Asia, Africa and Oceanica. 

Once I took down the Elder's prayer in short-hand, and it 
ran thus : 

"O Lord, thou knowest everything. Tliou knowest our 
unrisings and our downsittings. Thou knowest thy servants' 
inmost hearts. Thou knowest, O Lord, what tliy servant's 
children are doing. TIiou knowest the wickedness of thy 
servant's nephew, Francis Smitzer, — how he came home last 
niglit in a beastly state of intoxication, whistling, O Lord, that 
wicked popular air (whistling) : 

" Sho' fly, don't bodder me I * 

" Thou recognizest the tiine, O Lord 1 ^ 

\ 

m 

Wanted to Fly to Heaven. 

" O, I wish I had wings like a grasshopper I ^ exclaimed a 
colored lady at a revival meeting in Richmond. 

"Amen I" exclaimed several voices. 

Aftei the meeting and the excitement had subsided, a colored 
brother asked the convert why she wanted wings like de grass- 
hopper? 

" That I might fly to heaven." 

" You fool nigger ; woodpecker ketch you 'fore you get half 
way dar." 

« 

A good old lady at a Tennessee camp meeting appearing to 
be greatly distressed, attracted the sympathy of one of the 
brethren, who went to her, and, in kindly tones, asked if he 
eould do anything for her. 

" O, I don't know," she groaned. 

" Do you think you've got religion ? " 

" O, I don't know ; mebbe ifs religion — mebbe if 9 v)ormMJ^ 



CLBftlOAL Wrr ASD HUMOR. 838 



Oonditioual Piety. 

Two Scotch fishermen — Jamie and Sandy — belated and be- 
fogged on a rough water, were in some trepidation lest they 
ehonid never get ashore again. At last Jamie said : 

*' Sandy, I'm steering, and I think you'd better put up a bit 
of prayer." 

" I don't know how," said Sand v. 

'' If ye don't I'll just chuck ye overboard," said Jamie. 

Sandy began : " O Lord, I never asked anything of Te for 
fifteen year, and if Ye'll only get us safe back I'll never trouble 
Ye again, and " 

*' Whisht, Sandy," said Jamie, "the boat's touched shore; 
don't be beholden to anybody." 

The Harp of a Thousand Strings. 

The following sennon had a great run in 1859. It is safe to 
say that thirty million people have read it: 

I may say to you^ my breethering, that I am not an edecated 
man, an' I am not one o' them as bleeves that edecation is 
necessary fur a Gospel ministeti fur I bleeve the Lord edecates 
his preachers jest as he wants 'em to be edecated, an', although 
I say it that oughtn't to say it, yet in the State of Indianny, 
whar I live, thar's no man as gits a bigger congregation nor 
what I gits. 

Thar may be some here to-day, my breethering, as don't 
know what persuasion I am uv. Well, I may say to you, my 
breethering, that I'm a Ilardshell Baptist Thar's some folks 
as don't like the Ilardshell Baptists, but I'd ruther hev a hard 
shell as no shell at all. You see me here today, my breether- 
ing, drest up in fine close ; you mout think I was proud, but I 
am not proud, my breethering, and although I've been a 
preacher uv the Gospel for twenty years, an' although Vm 



334 WIT AND HUMOR. 

capting o^ that flat boat that lies at your landings Fm not 
proud, my breethering. 

Tni not^gwine ter tell you edzacW/y whar my tex may be 
found ; suflSce it to say it's in the leds of the Bible,, an' you'll 
find it somewhar 'tween the first chapter of the book of Gkjnera- 
tion and the last chapter of the book of Bevolutions, and ei 
you'll go and sarch the Scriptures, as I have sarched the Scrip- 
tures, you'll not only find my tex thar, but a great many uthei 
texes as will do you good to. read, an' my tex, when you shill 
find it, you shill find it to read thus : ^^ And he played on a 
harp U7 a thousand strings — sperits of just men made per 
feck." 

My tex, breethering, leads me to speak uv sperits. Now 
thar's a great many kinds of sperits in the world — in the fust 
place, thar's the sperits as some folks call ghosts, then thar's 
the sperits of turpen^^m^, and then thar's the sperits as some 
folks call liquor, an' I'y got as good an artikel of them kind u? 
sperits on my fiat-boat as ever was fotched down the Mississip- 
pi river, but thar's a great many other kind of sperits, for the 
tex sez : " He played on a harp uv a ^A^n^sand strings — speiv 
its of just men made perfeck." 

But I'll tell you the kind uv sperits as is ment in the tex, it's 
f/re. That is the kind of sperits as is ment in the tex, my 
breethering. Now thar's a great many kinds of fire in the 
world. In the fiist place, thar's the common sort uv fire you 
Ute your segar or pipe with, and then thar's camfire, fire before 
you're reddy, and fall back, and many other kinds uv fire, for 
the tex sez: ^^He •played on a harp uv a ^Aen^and strings— 
sperits uv just men made perfeck." 

But I'll you the kind uv fire as is ment in the tex, my breeth* 
ering — it's Kdlji/re ! an' that's tiie kind uv fire as a great many 
uv you'll come to, ef you don't do better nor what you have 
been doin' — for " He played on a harp of a ^A^n^sand strings — 
sperits uv just men made perfeck." 

Now the different sorts uv fire in the world may be likened 



OLBBIOAL wrr A3sn> puxoB. 880 

unto che difierent persnasioiiB of Christiaiis in the world In 
the fust place we have the Piscapalions ; and they are a high 
sailin' and a high-falutin set, and they may he likened unto a 
tnrkey-bnzzard that flies np into the air and he goes up and up 
till he looks no bigger than your finger-nail, and the fhst thing 
yon know, he cnms down and down, and is a fillin' himself on 
the karkiss of a dead hoss by the side of the road — and ^' He 
played on a harp of a tkouraajid strings — sperits of jnst men 
made perfeck.'' 

And then thar's the Methedis^ and they may be likened nnto 
the sqnirrel, runnin' np into a tree, for the Methedist believes in 
gwine on from one degree of grace to another, and finally on 
to perfeckshnn, and the squirrel goes np and up, and up and 
up, and he jumps from lim' to lim', and branch to branch, and 
the fust thing yon know he falls, and down he comes kerflum* 
mux, and thaf s like the Methedis, for they is allers fallin' from 
grace, ah { And — '^He played on a harp of a thaiheaxii 
strings — sperits of just men made perfeck.'' 

And then, my breethering, thar^s the Baptist, ah — and 
they hev bin likened unto a possum on a 'simmon*tree, and 
the thunders may roll, and the earth may quake, but that 
possum clings there still, ah — ^and you may shake one foot 
loose, ahd the other^s ttiar, and you may shake all feet loose, 
and he laps his tail around the lim' and he clings forever, 
for — *^He played on a harp nv aMoci-sand strings— sperits oi 
]ust men made perfeck." 

BDl Parldiifl^ Sennon. 

The ladies of the Hotel in Saratoga asked Kli Psridas to 
address them last Sunday evening. After the fashionable 
belles and beaux had sung "Old Hundred/' Eli Perkins 
adjusted his glasses, and, as near as the reporter of the Sara- 
{ogian could report Iiis remarks, said r 

29 



886 WXr ABD HUliOiB. 

I 

^^ My dearly beloved sisters, St. Paul said, ^ Let die womas 
keep silent in the churches,' and Timothy said — ^ 

" Pshaw, uncle Eli, don't commence that way," interrupted 
a young lady from Fifth Avenue, " we don"'t want to hear aboav 
St. Paul and Timothy. Tell us something about "Worth 
dresses, and Paris hats* Tell us about those shoddy people 
who come here from Oil City. Tell — " ' 

'^ Well,' my children," began Uncle Eli, as he pushed the 
Bible one side and took up a copy of the Ladief Jowmal^ 
"I don't know much about shoddy people down in Oil City, 
but I will tell you about the shoddy people who come up here 
from New York. I will tell you how to tell shoddy people at 
a glance." " How \ O do tell us. Won't it be jolly nice! " 
interrupted three young ladies from Madison Avenue as thcrf 
fluffed up their false bangs. 

*'WeU, my cliildren," began 2ilr. Perkins, "when a new 
family first arrives at the hotel you must watch them closely. 
Divinity puts up certain infallible signs to distinguish the igoo* 
rant and vulgar from the children of culture and virtue. 

" 1. If the lady comes into the parlor with a diamond ring 
on the outside of her glove, and a long watch chain around her 
neck, it is safe to ask her how much she gets a week. " [^ ^Hear, 
hear ! " and several ladies put their hands under theirpaniers.] 

*^ 2« If Provideno? erects a dyed mustache over the mooth 
of a man, it is to show that he is a gambler or a vulgarian." 
[Cheers, when two ^hree<»rd-monte men, a gambler and four 
hotel clerks from Kalamazoo, put their hands over their 
Viustaches.] 

"8. If, when that new family enter or leave a room, the 
gentlemen rush ahead, leaving the ladies to follow, there il 
something * shoddy * somewhere. 

^^4. If the man presents the ladies to the gentlemen, 
instead of i)ic6 versa^ and they all shake hands on first preseo' 
tation, then you may know they hail from Hoboken. 

**6. I^ when they go in to dinner, they do nothing but 



CMBgOAL WIT ASD ITUHOB. 887 

londly order the waiters around, and talk about the wine, you 
can make up your mind that they are the first waiters thoy ever 
had and tlie only wine they ever drank. If they pick their 
teeth at the table, [a voice, ^ Shoot them on the spot '] yes, my 
fiiends, I say that to their teeth, 

*^6. If, when a gentleman sits in the parlor talking to a 
lady, he doesn^t sit up straight, but sprawls all over the sofa, 
puts the soles of his boots on the lady^s dress, on the Aimiture, 
or wipes his shoes on his own white linen pantaloons, youM 
better refuse an introduction to him.'' [Applause, when eight 
Fifth avenue ^^ swells,^' who sat with their legs radiating like 
the wings of a windmill^ or sprawliug one foot cross-legged in 
the empty air, whirled themselves right side up.] 

^^ 7. If the ladies in that party whitewash their faces, redden 
their li])6, blacken tlieir eyebrows, or bronze or yellow tlieiir 
hair, just you think this is another sign which Providence puts 
ap so you can, shun them. Enamel and hair dye are social 
beaoon-lights, to enable yo^i to keep off the rocks of Cypria. 
Just you keep away from such people, for they are wolves in 
Bheep^s clothing. '' 

Voice from a young lady — ** Bat we want to look beautiful, 
Mr. Perkins.'' 

'*But this will not make you beautiful, my children. Any 
sweetheart who is so shallow as to take whitewash for the 
human skin, or rouge for tlie rose-cheeks of nature, is too much 
of a sap-head to make a good husband, and if he is smart 
enough to see through your deception, why he will surely leave 
you in disgust" [Applause by the gentlemen, while several 
ladies turned around and wiped their powdered fiices with their 
pocket handkerchiefs.] 

And, finally, my dear young ladies, if any young gentleman 
with a celluloid collar from Alaska comes here and tries to hold 
your hand on the balcony, tell him that Eli Perkins yrears his 
collars sewed on his shirts, and tiiat you are engaged to him 
for the next waits. Tell him that any young man who would 



888 WIT ASD HDHOB. 

cheat luB washwonuui out of three cents • — why such a young 
man was not ordained by Providence to board with your father 
and mother in a brown stone house on Fifth avenue. Far 
different! 
"Arise and smgl'* 

Unole Hemy's Oreditara 

Tbej were out collecting subscriptions for the Log City 
Presbyterian church. One day Jonas White met Uncle Henry 
in fix>nt of the grocery and asked him how much he going to 
gbfe toward the church. 

" I suppose you will give us something, won't yoo, Uncle 
Henry t " asked Mr. White. 

"Can't do it," replied Unde Henry. 

"Why nott Is not the cause a good one! " 

" Yes, but I am not able to give anything.'' 

" Pooh t pooh ! I know better ; you must give a better reasoni 
than that" 

"Well, I owe too much money — ^I must be just before Pni 
generous, you know." 

*^ But, Unde Henry, you owe Gk)d a larger d^bt than you 
owe anybody else." 

"That's true, Mr. White, but then He ain?t jnuMng nu 

Uke the halance of my credUare.^^ 

« « 

» 

"May I leave a few tracts? " asked a medical missionaiy of 
a lady who responded to his knock. 

"Leave some tracks t Certainly you may," said she, looking 
at him most benignly over her specs. " Leave them with the 
heels towards the house, if you please." 

"Patrick," said the priest, "how much hay did you steal?" 

" Well, I may as well confess to your riverence for the whole 
stack, for Tra going after the rest to-nigh t.\ 



OUaUOAIi WIT AND HUMOB. 

Legge, Bishop of Oxford, rashly invited a conple of wits- 
Canning and Frere — to hear the first sermon ailer his appoint 
ment 

''Well," said he to Canning, "how did you like it?" "Why, 
I thought it rather short" 

" Oh, yes, I am aware it was short, but I was afraid of t>e 
ing tedious." 

"Oh, you were tedious," said'Canniug. 



The Orlfirinal Ckdleotlon Story. 

WL tell an old story, which I wrote out onoe to illustrate my 
(Jncle Consider's piety in time of danger. The newspapers 
got hold of it and it is now going the rounds, but it is my story 
'%nd Tm going to tell it now. \ 

One day Uncle Consider and I were sailing up the Sound in 
a yacht. As we passed Bye beach there arose a great storm. 
The waves blew a hurricane, and the wind rolled mountam 
nigh. We all rushed frantically about from the main top gib 
lo the low hen-coop — but everywhere death stared us in the 



lace. 



In utter despair I said, " pray^ dear Uncle, pray ! " but he 
Buid he cooldn^t 

Sez I, " Uncle Consider" — sez I, " Unde — if you can't pray 
please do something religious/^ 

" I will, Eli ! " he said, wildly, ketchin' hold of hisself'— and 
what do you think he did ? 

Why he took up a collection I 



» » 
» 



"But I pass," said a minister one Sunday, in dismissing one 
theme of his subject to take another. 

" Then I make it spades ! " yelled a man from the gallery 
who was dreaming the happy hours away in an imaginary game 
of euchre. 



840 WXr AHD HXJMOB. 

^^ Where was Bishop Latimer burned to deadi I ^ asked a 
teacher, in a commanding voice. 

^^ Joshua knows," said a little girl at the bottom of the 
class. 

" Well," said the teacher, " if Joshua knows, he may tell.'' 

''In the fire," replied Joshua, looking very grave and 
wise. 

Bible Knowledfire in Maooh Ohtmlc 

Manch Chunk, Pa., is pronounced Mock Chunk. It is situ* 
ated on, and sometimes under, the Lehigh River. It is a queer 
old town. It is built in a crack in the earth. On either side 
you have to look straight up about half a mile before you can 
see daylight The sun rises there at nine in summer and sets 
at four. In January, when the sun runs low, it does not strike 
Mauch Cliunk at all. The people receive their light as they 
do in Norway in mid-winter — ^from reflected rays. 

Mauch Chunk has the finest Episcopal church and the best 
equipped hose company in all Pennsylvania. The deacons of 
the church are the oflicers of the hose company. Tlie other 
day tlie fire bell rang in the middle of the sermon, and in less 
tlian two minutes sixty-four members of the church had slung 
off their plug hats and appeared at the brakes with red 
shirts and fireman's hats. A few miles down the river fix>m 
Mauch Chunk is Bethlehem and Allentown. One day the 
Superintendent of the Sabbath-school in Mauch Chunk was ez^ 
amining tlie school. When he asked where CSirist was bom a 
little fellow answered : 

''Christ wa^ bom in Allentown, sir." 

"No, my child,' said the Superintendent "Our Saviour 
was bom in Buthlehem." 

" Well, I knew he was bora somewhere down that way. I 
got within four miles of it," said the boy. 



ouBiOAL wrr abd hdmob. Skll 

^'Oarxie, Let ^m Seal that Vowl"" 

At the Bound Lake camp meeting many people sleep in the 
same tent, being separated by cloth partitions. As young fel- 
lows are thrown with pretty girls a good deal, it is nothing 
against them that they sometimes fall in love. 

A young Methodist fellow from Ballston had become quite 
interested in a pretty daughter of a religious farmer. One 
night, while a dozen of old cold-hearted fellows were trying to 
sleep, they were continually disturbed by the lovers' spooney 
talk, which they distinctly heard through the cotton cloth pa^ 
tition« 

They heard him say in a low, sweet clarendon voice, '^now 
Caroline, dear, do let me seal the vow — do 1 " 

**No, James, I can not What would my father and mother 
say ) " replied a sweet, girlish voice. 

^* But Caroline, you have promised to be mine — ^now let us 
seal the vow — let us, do let us — won't you t Do kiss me I " 

*' No, James, I can not, oh, I can not — '^ 

In a moment the tent partition parted, and a big whiskered 
brother, who wanted to sleep, shouted, ^^ for Heaven's sake, 
Carrie, let Jim seal that vow. He'U keep us awake all night 
if you don't ! " 

That vow was sealed. 



Thedogy Mustn't Be Qnestioned 

A Bicbmond negro preacher said to his congregation : ^^ My 
6redrin, when de fust man, Adam, was created, he was made 
ob wet clay, and set up agin de fire-place to dry." 

"Do you say," said one of the congregation, rising to his 
feet, " dat Adam was made ob wet clay, an' set up agin de 
fire-place to diy ? " 

"Yes,8ar, Ido.'' 



**Den who made de fire-place?" 

"Set down, sar," said the preacher, sternly, "sich dogoii 
questions as dat would upset any system ob theology/^ 

DiBturbed in Frasrer. 

A negro, who was suspected of surreptitiously meddling with 
his neighbor's fruit, was caught in a garden by moonlight. 

" What you doing here Mr. Green ? " was asked. 

The good negro nonplused his detectors by raising his eyes, 
clasping his hands, and piously exdiuming : 

" Good Lord t dis yere darkey can't go nowhere to pray any 
more without bein' 'sturbed." 

Atmt Ohloie and the Glersrs^man. 

^* Aunt Chloie, do you (hink you are a Ohristiau?'' asked 
the temperance clergyman of an old negro woman who 
was smoking a pipe. 

** Yes, brudder, I spects I is.'* 

" Do you believe in the Biblef 

"Yes, brudder." 

" Do you know that there is a passage in the Scriptores thai 
declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the kingdom oi 
heaven I " 

"Yes, Tve heard of it" 

" Well, Ohloe, you smoke, and you can not enter the kingdom 
of heaven, because there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a 
smoker. What do you say to that i " 

"Why, I specks I leave my breff behind when I go dar." 

Wicked Kalamazoo. 

Kalamazoo, Michigan, is a very wicked town. It is the 
haven of private dog tights and household draw poker. All 
minstrel companies go there to get wrecked. I do not know 




"W&y, I apeob I Imve my braff bebiud ^ben I go dar." 
(S«ep«ge849L> 



848 OLSBIGAL WIT AHD HUIIOE. 

why ihey should get wrecked there, for they always have good 
houses. It must be because the poor minstrels siter the show 
are inyited into the best prirate Ealamas&oo families for social 
intercourse with deacons and clergymen, and are then robbed. 

When I put up at Kalamazoo I always go to jaiL It is 
really the only safe place for a traveling man to go to. I 
always feel safe in the jail, for I know while I am there that 
the citizens of the town cannot break through and steal my 
jewelry. 

The other day a Ealamaaoo clergyman thus gave out a chureh 
announcement: 

^^ My dearly beloved brethren/^ he said, ^^ services will be held 
in this church next Sabbath. Providence permitting, and it isn't 
good fishing in the river.^* 

One night Bev. Mr. Moore announced: 

^^ The Lord willing, and there being no minstrel troupe in 
town, there will be a prayer meeting in this church next Thurs- 
day evening.'^ 



The Parson, the Ctane and the Fleh. 



A devout clergyman sought every opportunity to impress 
upon the mind of his son the fact that God takes care of all 
his creatures; that the falling sparrow attracts his attention, 
and that his loving-kindness is over all his works. Happening 
one day to see a crane wading in quest of food, the goo^ man 
pointed out to his son the perfect adaptation of the crane to 
get his living in that manner. 

^ See,*^ said he, '^ how his legs are formed for wading! What 
a long, slender bill he has! Observe how nicely he folds his 
feet when putting them in or drawing them out of the water! 
He does not cause the slightest ripple. He is thus enabled to 
approach the fish without giving them any notice of his arri- 
val. My son,^^ said he, ^^ it is impossible to look at that bird 
without recognizing the design as well as the goodness of God 



wtr Am> HimofB. d44 

I 

m thus providing the means of sabsistence.^' ^^ Yes,'' replies] 

the boy, ^^ I think I see the goodness of Ood, at least so far as 

the crane is concerned ; bat, after all, father, don't jon think 

the arrangement a little tough on the fish f " 

 # 

Two little girls were comparing progress in catechism study : 
^^Fve got to original sin,'' said one. ^^ How &r have you 
got?'' 

^^ Me f Oh, I'm way beyond redemption,^ said the other, 

« « 

» 

^^ Sarah," cried a girl looking out at the upper story of a 
smaU gi-ocery, addressing another girl who was trying to enter 
at the front door^ ^^ we've all been to camp meeting and been 
converted ; so when you want milk on Sunday, you'll have to 
come round to the back door." 

A parson reading the funeral service at the grave, foigot the 
sex of the deceased, and asked one of the mourners, an Emer 
alder : ^^ Is this a brother or a sister ? " 

** Neither," replied Pat, "only a cousin.^ 

No Time to be Solemn. 

A young clergyman at the first wedding he ever had, thought 
it was a very good time to impress upon the couple befoi*e him 
the solemnity of the act 

"I hope, Dennis," he said, "you have well considered this 
solemn step in life." 

"I hope so, your riverence," answered Dennis, holding his 
license in his hand. 

"It's a very important step you're taking, Mary," said the 
minister. 

"Tee, sir, I know it is," replied Mary, whimpering. " Per- 
haps we had better wait awhile." 

" Perhaps we had, vour riverence," chimed in Dennis. 



:]45 cffiinciOAii wit asd HCiiOB. 

The minister, hardly expecting sach a personal aj 
of his exhortation, and seeing the marriage fee vanishing 
before his eyes, betook himself to a more cheerful aspect of 
the situation, and said : 

^^ Yes, of course, ifs solemn and important, you know, but 
it's a very happy time, after ail, when people love each other. 
Shall we go on with the service ?^' 

"Yes, your riverence," they both replied, and they were 
soon made one in the bonds of matrimony ; and that young 
minister is now very careful how he introduces the solemn view 
of marriage to timid couples. 

Bow FaiToU Used Scziptizra 

Mike FarroP^ the adopted son of Senator Fenton, writes Eti 
Perkins, was a classmate of mine in Union College. When 
the war broke out I went into the (Jnited States Treasniy in 
Washington, and Farroll became Grovemor Fenton's private 
ecretary. FarroU must have made a good deal of money in 
Albany for he is rich now. He had a way of "striking'' the 
politicians who wanted a favor out of the Oovernor. One 
day Fan*oll had for the third time been waited upon by an 
impatient party, interested in two important bills which had 
passed the Legislature, and with sundry others, were awaiting 
tiie Governor's signature. 

" Did you place my bills before His Excellency t " asked the 
party of the secretary. 

^^ N-n-not yet," said he (he had a slight impediment in his 
speech): "n-not quite yet; the G-g-govemor's v-very busy. 
By-the-b-by, w-what was the n-name of tiie m-man that g-got up 
into a t-tree, when our Savior was w-waUdng along that 
w-way ? " 

" O, you mean Zaccheus ? " 

^^ Ye-es ; thafs the man. Well, do you r-recoUect wha^ 
MaidtohimC' 






WIT AND HU1I0B» 346 

** Certainly ; * Zaocheus, come down I ^ 

"Ex-ao-tly ; ye-es, *" Come down! '^ I was thinking of that 
ye-esterday, when you ocalled, but I c-ooaldn^t rem-member 
the name ! " 

The hint was taken ; the party ^^ came down ^ acoordingly 
Mid when he next called, his signed bills were ready for him. 

Bli Perkins On Kentucky Piety. 

A pions old Kentucky deacon — ^Deacon Shelby — ^was famous 
as a shrewd horse dealer. One day farmer Jones went over to 
Bonrbon county, taking his black boy Jim with him, to trade 
horses with the Deacon. After a good deal of dickering, they 
finally made the trade, and Jim rode the new horse home. 

^^ Whose horse is that, Jim ? '^ asked some of the horse* 
trading deacon^s neighbors, as Jim rode past • 

^^Massa Jones, sah.'' 

^' What ! did Jones trade horses with Deacon Shelby f 

^^ Yes, massa dun traded wid de deakin." 

^^ Goodness, Jim! wasn^t your master afraid the deacon 
would get the best of him in the trade } ^ 

^^ Oh no 1 '^ replied Jim, as his eyes glistened with a new in- 
telligence, ^' Massa Jones kncwed how Deakin Shelby dun got 
kinder pions lately, and hs teas on his guard I ^ 

▲ IMloate Oonaolenoa. 

Two Irishmen were convicted of murder and called for sen' 
tence. When asked what they had to say, one answered : 

^^ We did it, sor. I sthruck him wid a stone and Moik he 
bit him wid a shillelah, and then we both av us buried him in 
the bog, sor/' 

" Well, well," said the judge, " but what did you do before 
you threw the body into the bog? ^ 

*^ Sore we searched him« sor.*^ 



i 



847 OLEBICAXi WIT AND UUIbtUH. 

•*Te8, and what did you find ? " 
**Two shillin's and two sixpence, yer Honor.'' 
" Well, anything else ? " 
*^ Yes, sor ; a foine lunch of bread and mate.'' 
" Fes ; and what did you do with that J" 
^' We were hungry, sor, and we ate the bread, but threw the 
'nate away." 
** Why did you throw the meat away t " 
*' Sur6 it was Friday, sor." 

The Oleiloal OalL 

'^Ton ou^t to have seen me," said the vivacious young 
lady, who had just come to town, to the new minister. ^' I 
had just got the skates on and made a start, when I came 
down on my — ^" 

^^ Maggie ! " said her mother, 

^^ What? Oh, it was so funny I One skate went one way, 
and the other'n tother way, and down I came on my — ^ 

" Margaret 1 " reprovingly spoke her father. 

^^ Well, what? They scooted from under me, and down I 
came plump on my — " 

"Margaret I " yelled out both her parents. 

"On my little brother, who held me by the hand, and I 
(iked to have smashed him. Now, whafs the matter!" 

The girPs mother emerged .from behind the coffee pot, a 
sigh of relief escaped from the minister, and tlie old gentle- 
man very adroitly turned the conversation on the subject of 

our next mayor. ^ « 

« 

"Man," said the colored clergyman, " is de first animal in 
creation ; he springs up like a sparrow-grass, hops about like 

a hoppergrass, and dies just like a jack-ass ! " 

«  

» 

A deigyman, who had been staying for some time at the 
iiouse of a friend, on going away, called to him little Tommy* 



Wrr AND HUMOB. ' 34% 

the fonr-yeaivold son of his host, aad asked him what he 
should give him for a present. Tommy, who had great respect 
for the '^ clom,^ thought it was his duty to suggest something 
of a religions nature, so he answered, hesitatingly: ^^I~I 
think I should like a Testament, and I know I should like a 

Pop-g^'" 000 

^*Do you subscribe to all the articles of the Athanasian 
creed f '' was asked an old lady. 

^^ No, I don't I I can^ afford it. There's a collection next 
week for the convention fimd^ and I can't do any more," wai 
the reply* 

Hot T.TfcQiHwg' For Sal— Vaticm. 

Up in Oshkosh the other day a fellow got> lost from his sweet- 
heart, and was rushing hurriedly down the crowded streets to 
find her. After running about two squares he saw quite a 
number of people going into a large building, which happened 
to be a churchy and he concluded to rush in and see if she was 
there. The minister, seeing the excited lunatic, thought he 
was seeking religion, stopped preaching and asked : 
** I say, young man, are you looking for salvation t ^ 
^^No, sir, I don't know her at alL Fm looking for Sal 
Stickem ; is she heret" 

On tiie Wronff Hoad to HtevwL 

^^ Where are you going?" said a young gentleman to an 
elderly one in a white cravat, whom he overtook a few miles 
tern Little Bock. 

^^I am going to Heaven, my son. I have been on the way 
eighteen years." 

*'Well, good-bye, old fellow; if you have been traveling 
towards Heaven eighteen years, and got no nearer to it than 
Arkansas, I'll take another route. Why, you are traveling 
•ight away ttoax it " 



3i9 GLEBICAL WIT AND HUHOB. 

A Baptist and Congregational minister were riding together 
one day, when tliere was strong manifestation of a coming 
shower. The former suggested to the latter, who was driving, 
that he had better quicken the speed of the horse. The CoDr 
gregationalist replied : 

" Why, brother ? are you afraid of vyjuter t^ 

^'Ohy no!" said the Baptist; ^^1 am not afraid of water ; 
it's the sprinkling I wish to avoid." 

A Very Clear Text 

Father Bollins, out in Wisconsin, was preaching from the 
words, *' He that believeth shall be saved." He opened at con- 
siderable length with a general view of the subject, and then 
concentrating his force, proceed to a critical exegesis of the text 
in this wise : 

^^ My brethem, I wish to direct yon attention closely and 
particularly to the warding of this Scripture^ as thereby tti 
reach the very meat and substance of it TJie text say b, ' He 
that believeth ; ' observe, my brethem, it does not say, * He 
that hdieves^'^ nor ^He that believ^,' but it plainly and ex« 
pressly declares, it is he that believ^^A who shall be saved. 
Mark, my brethem, the force in the Scripture of the little 
word ethP* 

Perhaps they did mark it ; but what the good Dreacher meant 
was more than the wisest of them coijQd telL 

« 
" Sister, are yon happy ? " 

** Tes, deacon ; I feel as though I was in Beelzebnb's bosom*** 

"Not in Beelzebub's?" 

^* Well, in some of the patriarchs ; I don^t care which I " 

A Funny MlRtalca 

Deacon Wood, of the Log City Presbyterian church, had sent 
off and got a new hymn book for the congregation containing 



WIT AND HUMOB. 350 

Hymns and notes. He had been sopplying them to the choir 
for Beventj-five cents each. 

One day after Elder Cleveland had finished his sermon, and 
just before dismissing the congregation, he arose and said : 

^^All yon who have children to baptize will please to present 
them next Sabbath." 

' Deacon Wood, who didn't hear Elder Cleveland distinctly 
and who had an eye on selling the books, and supposing the 
pastor was referring to them, immediately arose and said : 
^^All you who havn't, can get as many as you want by call* 
ing on me, at seventy-five cents each.'' 
^ As Mr. Wood had never had vui/ny children, the wtiafAtt 
was very ludicrous. 

Tba Trinity Shistrated. 

The best illustration of the trinity (three in one) that has 
occurred for a long time, cock place in Ann Arbor, Michigan. 

The Bev. Hosea Brown, a joking methodist preacheri put up 
at an Ann Arbor hoteL / 

**Now I want a room by myself," he said. 

^^ Very well," saia the clerk, '^unless we should haiFe to put 
someone in with you.' 

Sure enough more gaests arrived and the derk had to put 
another lodger in parson Brown's room. 

*' Hello there, parson 1 " he said, banging on the door about 
midnight. 

'^ What do you want t " asked the parson, awakening from a 
deep sleep. 

*^You must take another lodger, sir, with you," said the 
voice of the clerk. 

"What! another yet t" 

** Why, yes — there is only one in there, isn't there ? " 

" OiiQ I why here are three of us. There is Mr. Brown, and 



$51 cuEEtoAL wrr and huhob. 

A Methodist preacher, and myself, already, and I should thint 
that enough for one bed, even in Michigan." 

The landlord seemed to think so too, and left the trio to 
their repose. 

# 

A preacher in one of the fiishionable London churches is re- 
ported to have said, ^^St Paul remarks, and I pcMrtiaUy 
agree with him." This reminds us of the judge who, in sen. 
tencing a prisoner to death, observed, ^^ Prisoner at the bar, 
you will soon have to appear before another and perhaps a 
better Judge. " 

Better Aoquaisted Wld de iKmL 

The colored brethren in Bichmond were having a revival 
meeting, says ^he Bdigioua Tdesoope. Everyone was earnestly 
devoting himself to the good cause. All seemed to feel the 
need of a more thorough reformation. A brother was suppli- 
cating the throne eloquently when another brother called out m 
a stentorian voice : 

" Who dat prayin' ober dar t " 

The response was : 

* * Dat's brudder Mose. '' 

^^Hold on dar, brudder Mose," was the dictum of tne 
former, ^^ ypu let brudder Ryan pray, he's better 'quainted wid 
de Lord dan you am !" 



New York Beiligian. 

^^John^" said a rich New York grocer to his man, '^oave 
you mixed the glucose with the cyrup i " 
"Yes, sir." 

^^And sanded the sugar, toof 
"Yes,8ir.^ 
^^ Dampened the tobaocof^ 



WIT AND HUHO&. />r^ 



**Yes, air." 

^^ And watered the whisky f 

*' Yes, sir.'' 

** Then you may oome in to prayers." 



« « 

« 



A. negro, abont dying, was told by his minister that he must 
t irgive a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain 
c-ry bitter feelings. 

^^ Yes, sah," he replied, ^'if I dies, I foigive dat nigger, bat 
if I gets well, dat nigger mast take care." 

Dlfldikad New Aoquaintanoes. 

A Jerseyman was very sick and not expected to reooTAr. 

His fiiends got arv)und the bed, and one of them said : 

"John, do you feel willing to die?" 

John made an effort to give his views on the subject^ and 

r^nswered with a feeble voice, 

f 

'^ I think Fd rather stay here in Newark where I am better 
acqaainted." 

Ol Niffger Dickson. 

Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England 
town, was shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, 
one morning, when a conversation occurred between them 
respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored 
church in that i)1ace : 

*' I believe ycu aie connected with the church in Elm Street, 
are you not, Mr. Dickson ? " said the customer. 

*'No, sah, not at all." 

** What I are you not a member of the African church t " 

" Not dis yeah, sah." 

"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson* it i 
may be permitted to ask i " 



353 OTjntTfiAr* wir and huhos 

** Wen, m tell yon, eah," 8aid Mr. Dickson, stropping a 
concave razor on the palm of his hand, *' it was just like dis. 
I jined the chnrch in good fait I gave ten dollars toward the 
stated gospil de fuss year, and de church people call me ^Brud- 
der Dickson ;' de second year my business was not so good, 
and I gib only Jhe dollars. That year the people call me Mt^ 
Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah? ** , 

" No, tlie razor gx)es tolerably welL'' 

** Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor ; had sickness in 
my family ; I didn't gib noffi7i^ for preacliin'. Well, sah, artei^ 
dat dey call me *'dat old nigger Dickson^ — ^and I left 'eoL^ 

Hhe Sabbath 86ho6& XjomoKk 

**My son, what is a taret '^ 

The father was hearing his boy recite his Sunday School 
lesson from the fourteenth chapter of Matthew, where the devil 
went; about sowing tares. 

^^Tell me, my son, what is a tare? ^ 

"You had 'em." 

** I had 'em ! Why, Johnny, what do you meant * 

^^Wby, last week, vviien you didn't come home for three 
days," said Johnny, " I heard mother tell aunt Susan that yon 
were on a tare.'' 



Stow He Q^ftlchftd Xtub Msthodlsta 

Ad old Kegro, near Victoria, Texas, who was the only 
Baptist in the neighborhood, always "stuck up for his own 
faith," and was ready with a reason for it, although he was 
unable to read a Word. This was the way he ^^pot 'em 
down : " 

"You kin read, now, keantyoot* 

**jrea'» 



WIT AND HUMOB. 354 

"Well, I s^poee you've read the Bible, ham^ yoai^ 
« Yes.'' 

" YonVe read about John de Baptist, hain't yon t " , 
"Yes.'' 

" Well, yon never read abont John de Methodic ^ did yon f 
Yon see I has de Bible on my side, den. Yah, ya-a-h I ^ 

^^I take my tex dis morning,'' said a colored preacher, 
" from dat po'tion ob de Scriptures whar de Postol Paul pints 
his pistol to de Fessions." 

Widow Maloney's Piff. 

iCike Murphy was taken to task by his spiritual adviser for 
having stolen widow Maloney's pig. The evidence against 
Mike was so direct and positive, that it was worse than useless 
for him to deny the crime, and he listened with downcast eyes 
and much meekness to a well deserved lecture from the priest, 
upon the wickedness of the theft he had committed, till the 
reverend gentleman asked him what he would say in the day 
of judgment when he should be confronted by Mrs. Malone; 
and her pig? when he brightened up at a happy thought, and 
said: 

" And ye say that the pig '11 be there, yer riverence t " 

*^ Yes, the pig '11 there, and Mrs. Moloney '11 be there, too, 
living wituesses against you. What, I repeat, can yon say 
in such a presence t " 

*^ Yer riverence, Fll say. Widow Maloney, there^s yer ]rig, 
takehl" 

A Protestant Oow^ 

*^ Well, Pat, my darling, and where did yon git that baste 
of a cowt" asked the Irishman's wife, as Pat drove the new 
oow into the yard. 

«<8ure an' I got her of old Mr, Higgins, the Methodist 
minittery who lives np the load.'' 



S57 CLBUCAL WIT AND HUHOB. 



A Whole SennoxL 

Whoever plants a leaf beneath the sod. 
And waits to see it push away the clod. 
He truscs in God. 

Whoever 8a3r8, when douds are in the sky, 
^Be patient, heait; light breaketh by-and-bgr^* 
He trusLiin God. 

Whoever sees, 'neath Winter's field of anoWf 
The silent harvests of the futuxe grow, 
God's power must know. 

Whoever lies down on his conch to sleep^ 
Content to lock each sense in slumber deep^ 
Knows Qod will keei>. 

Whoever says " tomorrow,*' " The nnknown,'* 
*The foture," trusts unto that power alone 
Be dares disown. 

The heart that looks on when the eyelids dotfb^ 
And dares to live when life has only woen^ 
(iod's oom^Drta knows* 



For The Benefit of The Boor. 

A company of minstrels went to a town not far from Boetna, 
recently, and advertised to give a performance for ^^the ben^ 
fit of the poor — tickets reduced to ten cents. '^ The hall waa 
crammed fulL The next morning a committee of the poor 
called upon the treasurer of the concern for the amount said 
benefit had netted. The treasurer expressed astonishment at 
the demand. 

^*I thooght,^ sidd the chairman of the committee, ^yoa 
advertised this concert for the benefit of the poor { ^ 

^^Didn't we pnt the tickets down to ten oentSi so that dm 
poor conld all comet '' 

*^ Tes, bot wo thought you wer9 to givQ the roeqlta tq Hm 
poor« 



^^fi 



WIT AND HU1I0& 85b 

^*We have j^ven the results to the poor — to the pofNf 
nunstrels." 

He was ri^t, for the paper the next week spoke of them as 
the poorest minstrels that had ever struck the town. 

« « 
« 

*' What bird did Noah send ont of the arkf asked a Sab- 
batI)-6chool teacher of a class of boys. 

^^ A dove, sir I '' said the smallest boy in the dass. 

^^ Yerj well, but I should have thought some of yon big 
boys would have known that," said the teacher. 

^^ But that boy ought to know, sir/' said a big boy, ** 'cause 
his fisUiier's a bird ketcher, sir.'' 



Busy With Cnarioal Duties. 

^^What other business do you follow beeidee preaching t" 
was asked of an old colored man. 

*^ I speculate a littla'' 

** How speculate ! ^ 

"Sells chickens. *• 

"Where do you get the chickens f*^ 

** My boys fetch 'em in. 

*' Where do they get them > " 

" I doan know, sah. Fse allers so busy with my preachin' 
dat I ain't got time to ax. I was a gwine to inquire de udder 
day, but a 'vival come on an' tuk up all my time." 

VnsUim to Aaalati 

An old and weather-worn trapper was recently seen sauntev^ 
mg along the main street of Oshkosh. Pausing in front of a 
iittle meeting-house for a moment, he went in and took his seat 

among tbQ CQUgregation* The preacher was diooooraing on tb# 



359 OTJBlgOAT* WIT AHD HDMiQBt 

text of *^ the sheep and the wolyes,'' and had evidentlj been 

drawing a contrast between the two subjects. Says he : 

"We who have assembled here from week to week and do 

our duty, and perform our part, are the sheep ; now who are 

the wolves ? '* 
A pause, and our triend the trapper rose to his feet: 
" Wa'al, stranger, rather than see the play stopped^ I will 

be the wolves.'* 

A Chhost Story. 

A foolish Irish fellow went to the parish priest and told him, 
with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost 

" When and where f " said the pastor. 

*^* Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the 
dhurch, and up against the wail of it did I behold the spectre." 

" In what shape did it appear ? " inquired the priest. 

" It appeared in the shape of a great ass." 

"Go home and hold your tongue about it," rejoined the 
priest ; "you are a veiy timid man, and have been frightened 
by your own shadow." 

What the Jew thinks about JeiniBalein^ 

The real sentiment of the Israelites in regard to Jerusalem 
and the Holy Land was admirably illustrated by a oonversa- 
tion we overheard only a few diiys ago. Mose Oohen met Jacob 
Levy, and the former said : 

"Moses, don't forget dot next Ohewsday ve Chews must put 
on sackcloth mit ashes, and veep like ter teyfel." 

" Vy sheuld ve Chews weep next Chewsday more den on 
any udder day ? " asked Levy. 

"Pecause next Chewsday van dat day on which Jerusalem 
eash destroyed by de Bomans." 

"Ishdotso?'' 

" It ish chust so." 

ft 

" But I don't see vy we should veep on dot Chewsday ven 



Wrr AND HUHOB 360 

Jenisalem vaah deetrojed anj more den ou any ndder day« 
Ve donH own amy houses in dot town J' 
^^ Dot's vot I saj,'' was the philosophic responsa 

He Wasn't Keady. 

Old Isaac was^ or rather believed himseli to be, a veiy de- 
vout C!hiistian, ^' wrestled^' much in prayer, and it was his 
^custom at night, when his work was over, to retire to his cabin, 
and devote himself to worship until bedtime. These exercises 
were carried on in so loud a tone as to be heard by all the per- 
sons on the &rm, white and black, and old Isaac's earnest and 
frequent 'announcements that he was always ready to meet his 
^^ Lawd " had been so often heard that some rascally boys con- 
3laded to have some tun, and at the same time test Isaac's 
fidtb. One night, therefore, while old Isaac was under full 
headway in his exercises : 

^^O Lawd I we know dy long sufrin fhr dis benited sinner 
but we feel, O Lawd I dat in dy love we will be spahed dy van- 
gins and raf We are always reddy, Lawd, at dy biddin, to 
cum to de, and to meet dy angel Gabr^eL Send him, O Lawd I 
wid his shinin' trumpit, his robes ov glory, and his crown ov 
life, and take dy poh sahvant into dy vineyard-^ ^" 

^^ Is-arac I Is-a^K^ I " came in deep, sepulchral tones down the 
chimney. 

^^ Amen I ^ softly said Isaac, closing his prayer abruptly^ and 
rising with fear and trembling 

^' Is«-ac I Is-a-ac 1 " came the still dreadful tones. 

" Who-ho-ho's dat? 'i stammered the awe^stricken negro. 

"The — angel — of — ^the — ^Lord — ^his — come — ^for — Isaac f " 
came in slow, solemn tones, with measured emphasis, from the 
darkness outside 

Isaac hesitated, and then^ with r snow of enforced courage, 
\t came: 

"De Lawd bless you, dat old nigger hain't been here for a 
wee^ i'' 



361 OLEBIGAL Wrr AND HX7K0B. 

The Foroe of Prejudloa 

A very low-church minister was reproving his cnrate for har* 
ing taken part in a wedding breakfast 

^^Bat, sir," said the young man, in amazement, ^^ our Lord 
himself was present at a wedding feast in Oana.'* 
J "That's perfectly true, young man," answered the parson v 
" but in my opinion he had much better have stopped away." 

The Dean of Galsfbrd, 

" I have my doubts about the Thirty-nine Articles, sir," said 
a too conscientious Christ Churchman to him on the eve of 
taking his degree. The Dean of Galsford looked at the 
troubled one in a hard, sardonic way, and asked : 

' How much do you weigh, sir? '•* 
About ten stone, I think, sir," was the astonished answer. 

^ And how tali are you to half an inch > ^ 

^I really don't know to half an inch." 

* And how old are you to an horn i ^ 
The dubious one was speechless. 

"Well you are in doubt about everything that relates to 
yourself," cried the Dean, triumphantly, " and yet you walk 
about, saying : ^ I am 20 years old, I weigh ten stone, and am 
5 feet 8 inches high.' Gro, sign the Articles, it will be a long 
time before you find anything that su^ests no doubts." 

How Brother Brooks Swore. 

The death of the Eev. Charles T. Brooks, of Newport, R L, 
recalls a little anecdote about him. At a tea party, given by a 
member of the Eev. Dr. Thayer's church a few years ago, a 
lady playfully remonstrated with Dr. Thayer for his intimacy 
with the Unitarian divine 

^' It is true," said Dr. Thayer, ^^ that Mr. Brooks and I aio 



WIT ABP HimoB. 869 

very good friends, and that I am really very fond of bim. He 
is a most delightfal companion, and we often go fishing to- 
2^ether. Today, however, while we were on the fi8hingf;roimd, 
he shocked me by a little exhibition of pro&nity.'' 

** Profanity I '' exclaimed the orthodox sister, " yon don't 
really mean that Mr. Brooks is profane { ^ 

*' I must confess that he was somewhat so today,^ said good 
Dr. Thayer, "You see, it happened thus : we were atanchon 
with onr lines out. Brother Brooks, the sidpper, and I, when, 
after some tedions waiting, the skipper cried out : 

*^ I had a d ^n good bite then I ^ whereapon my Brother 

Brooks qmddy responded, ' So did 1 1"* 

BImxile TaitlL 

dp in Polk Cionnty, Wisconsin, not long ago^ a man who had 
lost eight children by diphtheria, while the ninth hovered 
between life and death with the same disease, went to the 
Health Officer of the town and asked aid to prevent the spread 
of the terrible scourge. The Health Officer was cool and col 
lected. He did not get excited over the anguish of the father 
whose last child was at that moment hovering upon the out* 
skirts of inmiortality. He calmly investigated the matter, and 
never for a moment lost sight of the &ct that he was a town 
officer and a professed Christian. 

^' You ask aid, I understand, '^ said he, ^^to prevent the 
spread of the disease, and also that the town shall assist you 
in procuring new and necessaiy clothing to replace that which 
yon have been compelled to bum in order to stop the fturther 
inroads of diphtheria. Am I right { ^ 

The poor man answered affirmatively 

^' May I ask if your boys who died were Christian boys, and 
whether they improved their Oospel opportunities and attended 
the Sabbath school^ or whether they were profane and gives 
over to Sabbath-breaking?^' 



363 OLBBIOAL WIT AITB HUMOR. 

Uie boeft tuber trid that his boys had never made a pro 
feflnon of Chrisdaiuly ; that they were hai^ly old enongji to 
do 00 ; and that they might have misBed some Gospel oppor- 
tnnitieSy owing to the &ct that they were poor and hadn't 
clothes fit to wear to SabbathnachooL Possibly, too, tbey had 
met with wicked companions and had been taught to swear ; 
he could not say but they might have sworn, althon^ he 
thonght they woold have tamed ont to be good boys had they 
lived. 

<^I am sorry that the case is so bad,'' said the Health Officer. 
<<I am led to believe that God has seen fit to visit yon witb afflio. 
tion in order to express EBs divine disapproval o^ protionity, 
and I cannot help yon. It ill becomes ns poor, weak worms 
of the dust to meddle with the jnst judgments of God*. Whe- 
ther as an individual or as a quasi corporadon, it is well to 
allow the Almighty to work out His great plan of salvation, 
and to avoid all carnal interference with the woiks of God." 

The old man went back to his desolate home, and tothebe^ 
side of his only living child* I met him yesterday, and he 
told me about it all. ^^Z am not a professor of religion," said 
he, '^ but I tell you, Mr. Nye, I don't believe that this Board 
of health has used me right. Somehow I ain't worried about 
my little fellers that's gone. They was little fellers, any way, 
and they wasn't posted on the plan of salvation, but they was 
always kind and always minded me and their motiier. If God 
IS using diphtheria agin perfanity this season, they didnt know 
it They was too young to know about it and I was too poor 
to take the papers, so I didn't know it nuther* I just thought 
that Ohrist was partial to little kids like mine, just the same as 
He used to be 8,000 years ago, when the country was new. I 
admit that my little shavers never went to Sabbathnschool much, 
and I wasn't scholar enough to throw much light onto God's 
system of retribution, but I told 'em to behave themselves 
and they did, and we had a good deal of fun together — ^me 
and die boye— «y^ thev was so briidLt^ nd sqoara and cote. 



NVIT ASU UUMOK. 3^ 

that I didn^ Bee how they conld fall imdei divine wrath, and 
1 don't believe they did. I conld tell you lots ol smart littlo 
tricks that they used to do, Mr. Nye, but they wasn't mean noi 
cussed. They was just firolicky and gay sometimes because 
they felt good. 

^^ Mind you, I don^t kick because I am left here alone in the 
woods, and the sun don't seem to shine, and the bkds seem a 
little backward about singin^ this spring, and the house is sc 
quiet^ and she is still all the time and cries in the nighi wher. 
she thinks I am asleep. All that is toiigh^ Mr. Nye — toagh 
as the old Harry, too— but it's so, and I ain't murmurin', but 
when the board oi health says to me that the Ituler of the 
Universe is makin* a tower of northern Wisconsin, mowin' 
down little boys with sore throat because they say ^ gosh,' 1 
can't believe it 

'^I know that people who ain't familiar with the facts will 
shake their heads and say I'm a child of wrath, but 1 can't 
help it All I can do is to go up there under the trees where 
iihem litde graves is and think how all-fired pleasant to me 
them little, short lives was, and how eveiy one of them little 
fellers was welcome when he come, poor as I was, and how 1 
rastled with poor crops and pine stumps to buy cloze fer 'em, 
and didn't care a cent for style as long as they was well. 
That's the kind of a heretic I am, and if God is like a father. 
that settles it He wouldn't wipe out my family just to estab 
lish discipline, I don't believa The plan of creation must be 
on a bigger scale than that, it seems to me, or else it's more or 
'b8S of a fizzle. 

"^ That board of health is better read than I am. It takes 
the papers and can add up figures, and do lots of things that I 
can't do, but when them fellers tells me that they represent the 
town of Balsam Lake and the Kingdom of Heaven, my mor- 
bid curiosity is aroused, and I want to see their stiffykits of 
election." 



365 CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR 

What Constitutes A Good Sermon. 
"That was a'good sermon," said Job Shuttle, as he sauntered 
out of the vestibule. 
"Pretty good," replied Patience. "I hope you'll profit by it," 
"Why, there was nothing in it that applied to me at all." 
"Oh, that's why you say it was *a good sermon,' I suppose." 



A Crood Sermon. ' 

"Boy," said Brother Gardner, "take ofif dat swaller-tailed 
coat! Jump outer dem tight pants! Drop that silk necktie! 
Den you go to work an' fin' a cheap boardin' house an' begin 
to pay your debts. Let your cloze match your salary. Let 
your board match your cloze. Be what you am — a common 
sort of pussen whose assets will kiver his liabilities by hard 
puUin'. You can't deceive anybody, and the less you try to 
de better people will like you." 



LAWYERS' WIT ANI] HUMDR. 



wir AKD Bumom of LAwrxBSy ji7doe8| mRoam mmd wiiMKMm 

<< Have joa ever been III prison f naked a badgering law 
yer of a modest witness, whom he was trying to bnlly. 

The witness did not answer. 

(< Come, now, speak np^ no oonoealment Have yoa evoi 
been in prison, sirf* 

'^ Yes, sir, onoe,'' answered the witness^ looking modestly 
down to the fioor. 

^^TeSy I thought 80. Kow when! When were yoa in prison, 
air!'' 

"In 1888.* 

"Where, sir?'' 

The witness hesitated. 

" Oome, own np^ now, no doc^|lng,^ acfeamed the lawyer 
" Now where were yon in prison, sir I ^ 

44 In ^in in -'' 

" Don't stammer, sir I Oat with it { Where was it ? ^ 

**In ^in Andersonville, sir.*' 

There was a moment's paifhal paoje. Then the ktwyer, wb6 
was an old soldier, pat his hand to his forehead as if a pistoS 
shot had strack him, while the tears came to his eyes. Then 
jumping forward, he clasped his arms around the witness' necm 
and exclaimed : 

<<HyGkidt I was there myself r 



lAWYKn 



Ohlef-Justioe Ofaase and the Negro. 

CShiefJivitioe Ohase was once having an overcoat lined 
.x)on8' fhr, writes Eli Perkins, when the negro tailor suggested 
'hat the coat would be warmer if the fur were put outside^ 

^' My experience has convinced me,'' said the Ohief-Justioe, 
'^ tibat fur is warmer when it is worn inside of the garment^ 
and I never could understand why the coon doesn^ wear his 
fur that way.'' 

^^ But you would know if you were a coon," said Sambo. 

« Why ? " asked the Chief-Justice. 

^' Because if you were a ooon, Mr. Ghaae, you'd have marc 
senset" 

A Freeholder in MisedeaippL 

The editor of the Tioga Agitator once lived at Port Gibeon 
on the Mississippi river. There was a great deal of litigation 
down there^ and the editor being summoned to sit on the jury, 
tried to get excused. 

When his name was called Judge Chambers asked him if he 
were a freeholder. 

*^ No, sir," said the editor, '^ Fm only staying in Port Gibecxi 
♦fimporarily." 

^< Ton board at the hotel, I presume ? " asked the fudge. 

'^No, sir* I take my meals there, but have rooma in 
mother part of the town, where I lodge." 

^^ So you keep bachelot's hall } " 

"Tes, sir." 

<( H'^w long have yon lived in that mamier t ** 

•* About six months." 

'*I think you are qualified," gravely remarked the judge, 
Mbr I have never known a man to keep bachelor's hall the 
length of time you name who had not dirt enough in his room 
to make him a freeholder. The court does not ettsnse yoo.'* 



wrr AND HUMOR. 868 



The Man With Ufe in Him. 

OTonnell once caaght a lying witness who was swearing to 
the signature of a will. The council asked, ^^ Was this man 
alive when he signed the will? ^^ 

'* There was life in him, yer honor." 

*' Can you swear that he was alive when he signed this will? " 

*^ He had life in him, sir." 

*"*" On your souFs salvation, and before the eternal God, was 
the man alive?" 

^^ No, sir," stammered the confused witness, ^^ he had a live 
— ^fly — ^in — his — mouth I " 



8oienoe wltb a "y.** 

MU PerHn$. 

Col. IngersoU often squelched the opposing counsel by a blast. 
of ridicule. One day in Peoria they were trying a patent 
chum case. The opposing counsel used many scientific terms. 
He talked about the science of the machine, and how his client 
had contributed to science a valuable discovery. 

^^ Science!" yelled Col. IngersoU. ^^ The opposing counsel is 
always talking about science and see [looking over at the op- 
posing counsers brkf] he spells it with a ^y^ — with a ^y,' 
sirl" 



The WItnafla who Anawwrad as the lAwyers Aakinl. 

^ Do you know the prisoner well? " asked the attorney. 

^* I never knew him sick," replied the witness. 

"No levity,*' said the lawyer, sternly. "Now,]^8ir, did you 
ever see the prisoner at the bar? " 

" Thousands of times, sir, l\e drank — " 

^^ Answer my question, sir," yelled the lawyer. ^^ How long 
have you known the prisoner? ^ 

^ From two feet up to five feet ten inches.*' 



869 LfwrBBSL 

''Will the ooTirt make the—" 

^' I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipating the lairver ; 
'* 1 have answered the question. I knowed the prisoner w?^»> 
he was a boy two feet long and a man five feet ten." 

''Your Honor —^ 

^-It's fact, Jedge, Fm nnder oath,'^ persisted the witness. 

The lawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of 
him, spread his legs apart, leaned his body over the table, and 
said: 

^^ Will yon tell the conrt what yon know about this case! ^ 

" His name isn't Case, sir. His name is — ^" 

^^ Be quiet, sir. Who said his name was Oase { " 

^^ You did. You wanted to know what I knew about this 
Oase. His name's Smith.'' 

** your Honor," howled the attorney, plucking his beard 
out by the roots, ^^ will you make this man answer? " 

^^ Witness," said the judge, ^^you must answer the ques- 
tion£ put to you." 

^*Land o' Goshen, Jedge, hain't I been doin' itt Let xbe 
blamed cuss fire away. I'm all ready." 

^^Then," said the lawyer, ^' don't beat about the bush any 
more. You and the prisoner have been friends I" 

** Never," promptly responded the witness. 

** What I Wasn't you summoned here as a friend ? " . 

^^ No, sir ; I was summoned here as a Presbyterian. Nary 
one of us was ever Friends. He's a hardnshell Baptist, with- 
out a drop of Quaker in him." 

^^ Stand down," yelled the lawyer, in difligosL 

"Heyl" 

" Stand down." 

^ Cant do it FIl sit down or stand up^*** 

^^ Sheriff, remove the man from the box." 

Witness retires muttering : ^^ Well, if he aint the thick- 
beadedest lawyer I ever seed in this court house. 



Wrr AND HUMOJi. 37^0 



BuftLS Ohoate Outwitted. 



Bnfos Choate was seldom outwitted, bat when he got hold of 
Dick Barton, chief mate of the Chalenge, he found his match. 
The case was assault and battery, and Mr. Choate was examin- 
ing the witness. 

^^Was the night when the assault was committed light or 
dark?'' 

**Te8, sir, it was light or dark.*' 

** Was it rainy?'' 

"Tee, sir.'' 

<< Was there a moon that night ** 

"Yes, sir." 

** Ah, yes I a moon—" 

" Yee, a foil moon." 

"Did you see it?" 

-*No, sir, I did not" 

'^Then how do you know there was a moon t " 

"The.^ Nautical Almanac' said so, vid I will believe that 
sooner than any lawyer in the world." 

" What was the principal luminary that night? " 

" Bmnacle kmp aboard the Challenge." 

** Ah I you are growing sharp, Mr. Barton." 

"What in blazes have you been grinding me this hour fbr-^ 
to make me dull ? " 

" Be civil, sir I And now tell me what latitude and longi- 
tude you crossed the equator in." 

** Sho— you're joking 1 " 

" No, sir, I am in earnest, and I desire you to answer ma' 

" I shan't" 

** Ah I you refose, do you ? " 

"Yes; I can't" 

^^ Indeed I You are the chief mate of a clipper ship, and are 
tmable to answer so simple a question ? " 

"Yes I — 'da the mmplest question I ever had asked ma 



871 LAWTBB6. 

Why, I thought every fool of a lawyer knew that there was no 
latititde at the equator." 
That shot silenced the great lawyer. 

Banterinir lAwyers. 

IVo young lawyers had been %hting all day about the 
"relevancy of testimony," when one got out of patience and 
appealed to the judge. 

"If your honor please," he said, turning to the judge, "I 
desire to try this case on its merits, and according to the 
established rules of evidence. The gentleman on the other 
side certainly knows Bome law t" 

This unexpected personal remark aroused brother G. into a 
high pitch of excitement Addressing the court, with cutting 
emphasis he replied : 

" Fm a fool, and I know it, and it don't hurt me a bit ; but 
the counsel upon the other side is a darned fool and don't 
know it, and it's killing him ; and the sooner he finds it out 
the better for himself and his clients 1 " 

Then, turning upon his opponent with venomous sarcasm^ 
he continued : 

" You I you I what do you know ? You think you're smart, 
don't you? There (throwing him a half dollar), hurry up, 
quick, tell me all you know, and give me the change." 

At this point the court interfered, and the case proceeded. 

« « 

« 

" My lord," began a pompous young barrister, " it is written 
in the Book of Nature — ^" " On what page, sir — on what 
page ? " interrupted the judge, with pen in hand. 

Ourraa's Wiff* 

A barrister entered court one morning with his wig stuck or. 
one side. Unconscious of the absurdity of his appearance, and 



WZT AJNfD HUMOA. 372 

surprised at the obsenrations made upon it, he at length asked 

Cnrran: 

'^ Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig, Mr. Curran ? ^ 
^^ Nothing except the head," was the consolatory answer. 

^' I wish to ask the court," said a facetious lawyer, who had 
been called to the witness stand to testify as an expert, ^^ if I 
am compelled to come into this case, in which I have no 
personal interest^ and give a legal opinion for another? " 

^^Tes, yes, certainly," replied the mild-mannered judge, 
"give it for what it is worth." 

Law and Ifediolna. 

^^ Stop that coughing over there 1 " cried a New Tork judge. 
" Such coughing disturbs the business of the court" 

There was a short painM silence, writes Eli Perkins, durirg 
which a pale, consumptive man struggled with himself then 
•oughed again, and continued it for several minutes. 

^*Fm bound to stop that coughing I " exclaimed the judge. 
^^ I fine you ten dollars. I think that will stop it" 

^^Jedge," said the cadaverous man, ^^Fd be willin^ topay 
twenty dollars to have that cough stopped. If you can stop it 
for ten dollars, youM better get down off that bench and go to 
practicing medicine. There's money in it, jedge — money in 
it I" 

A Smart Lawyer and a Stupid JuAge. 

James T. Brown, of Indiana, a smart lawyer, says an Ea^ 
change, was once employed to defend a case in the Circuit 
Court of that State. The judge was not very learned in tech- 
nicalities, knew but little Latin, and much less Greek. The 
jury were ordinary farmers. After the plaintiff^s counsel had 
opened the case, Brown rose and spoke for two hours in a very 
flowery and eloquent manner, repeating Latin and Greek, and 



878 

using an the technicalities he could think o£ The jniy sal 
and eyed him with their months wide open, the judge looked 
on with amazement^ and the lawyers laughed aloud. Brown 
dosedo To the jury and court the whole ailment was as 
clear as mud« The case was submitted to them without one 
word of reply, and their verdict, without leaving the box, was 
-against Brown. 

In the morning Brown appeared in court, and, bowing 
politely to the judge, made a motion for a new triaL 

^^ May it please your honor, I humbly rise this morning to 
move for a new trial ; not on my own account, for I richly 
deserve the verdict, but on behalf of my client, who is an 
innocent party in this matter. On yesterday I gave wing to 
my imagiuption and rose above the stars in a blaze of glory. 
I saw at the time that it was all Greek and turkey trac^ to 
you and the jury. This morning I feel humble, and I promise 
the court, if it will grant me a new trial, that I will try to 
bring myself down to the comprehension of the court and 
jury." 

The Judga '^ Motion overruled, and a flue of five dolIarB 
imposed upon Mr. Brown for contempt of court ^ 

"For what t*» 

" For insinuating that the court don^know Latin and Greek 
ftx>m turkey tracks." 

^^ 1 shall not appeal firom that decision ; your honor has com- 
prehended me this time." 

Lauffl^ed out of Oottrt, 

At Erie, Pennsylvania, the editor of a German humorous 
paper was sued for libeL On the opening of the trial the 
defense was astounded by the district attorney claiming an 
ancient right to ^' stand aside "any juror called until the box 
was filled with men acceptable to the commonwealth, the 
aside being independent of the peremptory Alittll^wp^ 



WIT AND HUKOB. 874 

and allowable to the extent of standing aside the entire panel 
practicaUj enabling the commonwealth to get a jury of its own 
selection. 

Ab the afiair was between Germans and the Young Men^s 
Christian Association, tlie former were fearful that they Would 
all be made stand aside and kept off the jury. 

On the second morning after the judge had ruled in favor of 
the '^ stand aside" claim, Weiss, the defendant, convulsed 
everybody by coming into court with an armful of ancient legal 
literature, obtained by ransacking every law library in the dty, 
and asserting a right, under the ruling of the court, to establish 
his innocence by ordeal, or trial by combat. He contended 
that if unrepealed andent prrx^ure is good law his claim to 
demand the ^' wagere of battel *' was as just and equitable as 
the ^ ' stand aside " privilege. Shrieks of laughter followed the 
sad-faced man's demand, irresistibly comical in itself^ but the 
more exquisite from the &ct that he is a little, attenuated, 
weak-chested, asthmatic body, weighihg only ninety-eight 
pounds, while his adversary is a herculean feUow who tips the 
scale at two hundred pounds, and before whom in a personal 
encounter the funny editor would melt away like the hoar firost 
under the morning sun. 

Weiss has carefully drawn up all his rights under the nnre* 
pealed laws, and he proposes to make this judicial district sick 
of King Edward the Rrst These alleged rights are : 

First — ^The ^^ ordeal of fire." He claims that he can demand 
the establishment of his innocence by offering to plunge his 
arm in boiling oil, pick up red-hot iron, or walk barefoot over 
nine red-hot plowshares, and that if he sustain no hurt by the 
operation, his innocence will be proved, and the costs belong 
to the prosecutor. But this test, after mature deliberation, he 
will waive. ^^ All that remains," says Weiss, ^Ms to demand 
the trial by combat, and may God defend the guiltless '' 

He describes the procedure of this combat as follows, pn> 
ducing andent authority in its support : 



375 



The judges and clergy are to assemble on a giyen day, and 
before them the accused person must fling down his glove and 
declare his intention to defend the same with his body. The 
prosecutor will then pick it up and announce his readiness to 
make good the appeal, body for body. Then both men will 
bring out their battle^aes or javelins, and, kneeling before the 
judges, will make oath that the weapons have not been charmed 
by witchcraft, etc. This done, each is to grasp his axe in the 
right hand, and the left hand of the other in his left. The ac- 
cused person to say : ^^Hear this, O man, who callest thyself 
John Firch by the name of baptism, that I, who call myself 
Frank Weiss by the name of baptism, did not libel you, so help 
me God and all the saints.'' To which the accuser will reply; 
^^ Hear me, O man, whom I hold by the hand, and who callest 
thyself Frank Weiss by the name of baptism, that I do hold 
thee perjured, and this I will prove with my body, so help me 
God and all the saints." At a signal from Judge Galbraith 
the men will come out of their comers and go for eadi other, 
and his cause shall be deemed just who succeeds in carving 
up the other before the going down of the sun. 

The merriment caused by Weiss's claim can better be mi- 
agined than described. One stout juror came near having a fit 
of apoplexy, and another laughed himself into imbecility 
During the roars of laughter Weiss stood without a smile on 
his face, a picture of solid, substantial misery. While oonsdons 
of the absurdity of his claims and the impossibility of substan- 
tiating them, Weiss made the appeal with a tragic earnestness 
that almost induced convulsions. The upshot is likely to be 
that the case will be laughed out of court 

A Btubboni Jtvy. 

Colonel Mason, who lives in Washington county, Maine, had a 
great aptitude for serving as a juror. When thus serving, he 
was very anxious that his opinion should be laigely consulted 



WIT AKB HUMOB. 876 

in makiTig tip a verdict Some years ago, wb&e upon a casei 
after many hours^ trial to agree, but failing, he marshaled the 
delinqnent jury from the room to their seats in the court, where 
the impatient crowd awaited the result of the trial 

'^Have yon agreed npon a verdict t " inquired the derk. 

Col. M arose, turned a withering glance upon his brother 

jurors, and exclaimed : 

^^ May it please the court, we have not ; I have done the 
best I could do, but here are eleven of the most contrary devils 
I ever had any dealings with.^ 



An Insenlons Olient 

wl want to engage your services,'' said an Arkansaw man to 
• lawyer. 

*^ All right, sir, be seated. What is the case t " 

^^ There's a man in my neighborhood called Alex. Hippen. 
I want you to prove that he stole a saddle." 

^^ Did the saddle belong to you } ^ 

« No." 

^* But then you are the prosecuting witness I " 

^*No, I don't propose to have anything to do with the 
case." 

^^Then why do you want me to prove that Hippin stole the 
saddle } " 

*^ You see, I stole the saddle myself, and if I can prove that 
Hippin stole it, Fm all right" 

^^ Ah, I see. Well fix that Of oouise we can prove that 
he stole it" 

OratCAry on ft Jtv]^. 

EUPerhbu, 

Oratory will do with an ignorant jury but not with an intelli* 
gent jury. Charles O'Connor says oratory is nothing but the 
old clothes around a thought A great flourish of oratory is 



LAWYBB8. 877 

always ^ catch the house, but not the JU17. "A great speech/ ^ 
*JHy8 O'Connor, '"is one thing, but the verdict is ^A^ tiling.'* 

Wlien Charles O'Connor stood before the Supreme' Court in 
Washington, endeavoring to win a hundred-thousand dollar fee, 
there was perfect intelligence on both sides and no oratory was 
osed. Some one asked O'Connor why he didn't use more ora- 
tory, he said : . 

*' I wanted the hundred thousand dollars, not the empty ap- 
plause. You can't sell oratory for a hundred thousand dollars, 
yon have to give it away on the Fourth of July." 

When Chief Justice Parsons, of Massachusetts, was practic- 
ing at the bar, a farmer, who had oilen heard him speaks was 
asked what sort of a pleader he was. 

^^ Oh, he is a good lawyer and an excellent counsellor, but a 
pi>or pleader,'* was the reply. 

^^ But does he not win most of his causes t ^ 

'^ Yes, but that's because he knows the law, and can aif^e 
well ; but he's no orator." 

A hard-headed bank president once congratulated himself, 
in the presence of Mr. Mathews, on resisting, as a foreman of 
a jury, the oratorical blandishments of Mr. Clioate. 

*' Knowing his skill," said the hard-headed man, ^*in making 
white appear black and black white, I made up my mind at 
the outset that he should not fool me. He tried all his arts, 
but it was of no use ; I just decided accordingly to the law ^iid 
evidence." 

"Of course," answered Mr. Mathews, '^yon gave your ver- 
dict against Mr. Choate's client? " 

^' Why, no, we gave a verdict for his client ; but then we 
couldn't help it, he had the law and the evidence on his side.'* 

It never occurred to the bank president or to the farmer that 
Choate and Parsons were after verdicts, not admiration. And 
they got them, because the} sunk the orator into the advocate. 

^^ Thou madest people say, ' How well he speaks ! ' " said 



t78 im ikSTD HXjicaB. 

Demosthenes to Cicero, in Fenelon's ^^ Dialogues of the Dead," 
^^ bnt I made them say, ' Let us march against Philip I ' '' 

That was tnie, bat it required many passionate appeals from 
this prince of orators before the Athenians uttered that ay. 

M6re Bear than Law. 

When Gratiot county, Michigan, first began to be disturbed 
by pioneers, and soon after it had its first justice of the peace, 
a fisu'mer named Davison walked three miles to secure a 
warrant for the arrest of his neighbor, named Meacham, for 
assault and battery. To save the constable a three mile trip, 
the defendant walked with the plaintiff. They encountered 
his honor just leaving his house with his gun on his shoulder, 
and Da^dson halted him with : 

^^ 'Squire, I want a warrant for this man for striking me." 

"Pm in an awful hurry— come tomorrow.'' 

'^ So'm I in a hurry, and Pm going to have a laisiiig to> 
morrow." 

<* Meacham, did you hit him V 

«Yes.^' 

^^ Davison, did you strike first ? " 

"No.** 

<^ Meacham, had you rather work for him three days than go 
tojailt" 

"I guess so. ** 

^^ And will that satisfy you, Davison f " 

"Yes.'' 

^^Then make tracks for home and don't bother me another 
minute I My son has just come in with the news that an old 
bear and three cubs are up the same beech down at the edge 
of the slushing, and I'm goin' to have some bear meat if it 
upsets the Supreme Bench of, Michigan. Court stands 
adjourned at present t " 



Ii4WTBB8. 879 



Truth and Veraoity, 

In a recent murder trial at Bangor, Me., a Mrs. Flannagan 
^wore to a confession made to her hj the respondent, where^ 
upon defense called an old fellow who had said repeatedly he 
wouldn^t believe her under oath. 

Lrwyer : ^^ Do jou know the reputation of Mrs. Flannagan 
for truth and veracity ? " 

Witness : ^' Wall, Square, I guess she'd tell the truth ; but 
about her veracity — well, now, some say she would and some 
say she wouldn't'' 

Ba Ohallenffed tha Jndffe. 

Alexcmdar 8weA 

A young lawyer was appointed to defend a negro who was 
too poor to hire counsel of his own. After the jury twas in 
the box the young lawyer challenged several jurymen who, his 
filient said, had a prejudice against him. 

'^ Are there any more jurymen who have a prejudice against 
you ? " whispered the young lawyer. 

"No, boss, de jury am all right, but now I wants yO}U to 
challenge de jedge. I has been convicted under him seberal 
times already, and maybe he is beginnin' to hab prejudice agin 
me." 

The young lawyer, this being his first case, took the advice 
of his dient, and, addressing the Court, told the judge he 
could step aside. 

A Thiok-headed Witnesa 

Pat Fogarty went all the way from Manchester to London to 
thrash Mick Fitzpatriek, which he did, winding up the per- 
formance with the assistance of an '^awfai horseshoe." He 
was detected and brought before Mr. Justice Simpleman. A 
part of the examination is annexed : 

Court ^^WeU, sir, you came here from Manchester, did 



380 WIT AND mnsaau 

Pat *' Your honor has answered correct. ** 

Court. ^^ Yon see the complainant's head ; it was cut by a 
sharp instrament Do you know what cut it ? " 

Pat. ^ ^Ain't your honor afther sayin' that a sharp instrumenl 
did ? " 

Court (becoming restive). "I see you mean to equivocate. 
Now, sir, you cut that head ; you came here to cut it, did you 
not ? Now, sir, what motive brought you to London ? '* 

Pat " The locomotive, yer honor." 

Court (waxing warm). ^^Equivocating again, you scoun 
drel I " (Raising up the horseshoe, and holding it before Pat), 
" Do you see this horseshoe, sir ? " 

Pat " Is it a horseshoe, yer honor ? " 

Court *' Don't you see it is, sir? Are you blind? Can 
you not tell at once that it is a horseshoe ? " 

Pat '' Bedad, no, yer honor." 

Court (angrily).' "No?" 

Pat. " No, yer honor ; but can yerself tell ? " 

Court " Of course I can, you stupid Irishman." 

Pat (soliloquizing aloud). " Oh, glory be to goodness, see 
what education is, yer honor I Sure, a poor, ignorant creature 
like myself wouldn't know a horseshoe from a mare's." — Zon- 
don JVeioa. 

Which Bnd? 

A judge, pointing with his cane to a prisoner before him, 
remarked : 

"There is a great rogue at the end of this sticL" 
" At which end, your honor ? " asked the prisoner* 

A Queer Law^ Firm. 

Isaac Eetchum and Uriah Cheatham were attomeys-at-Iaw, 
and everybody has heard of the sign over their office-door, 
^' Eetchum & Cheatham," which was so significant of the 



ULWYKBa. 881 

trade, that they took it down and had anodier painted with 
the addition of these initials : 

'' L Eetchum & U. (yheatham,'' which was no better. It re- 
quired the fall names, and then the idea was very clearly ex- 
pressed, bnt it left the inference that Isaac would Eetch'em 
and Uriah would Cheat'em. 

They finally dissolved partnership, and often did for each 
other what they were willing to do for the public at large. 

A Precise Answer. 

"Now,'* said lawyer Gilbrath, of Erie, who was question- 
ing a witness, "I want you to answer urecisely every ques- 
tion I ask you. Will you do it ? " 

"IwiU, sir." 

"Now, what business do you follow? ^ 
- " I'm a driver, sir." 

" That is, you drive a wagon ? " 

"No, sir, I do not." 

" Why, sir, did you not tell me so this moment ? " 

"No, sir, I did not." 

"Now, sir, I put it to you on your oath, do you drive a 
wagon ? " 

"No, sir.'' 

" What is your occupation, then ? " 

"I drive a horse." 

The Intelligent Juror. 

"Do ^ou know what a verdict is?" asked a challenging 
lawyer of a colored juryman in Arkansas. 
"No, sah." 

" Did you ever see one ? " 
^^ No, sah ! I nebber was at a show in my life.'' 



•J6 



882 WTT AHD HUMO& 



Why Sni Perkins Left the Law and Became a Jonmalletb 

I studied law once in the Waahington Law SchooL In fact, 
I was admitted to the bar. I shall never forget my first case. 
Neither will my client. I was called npon to defend a young 
man for passing counterfeit money. I knew the young man 
was innocent, because I lent him the money that caused him 
to be arrested. Well, there was a hard feeling against the 
young man in the county, and I pleaded for a change of venue. 
I mi de a great plea for it. I can remember, even now, how 
fine it was. It was filled with choice rhetoric and passionate 
oratory. I quoted Kent and Blackstone and Littleton, and 
cited precedent after precedent from the Digest and State 
Beports. I wound up with a tremendous aigument, amid the 
applause of all the younger members of the bar. Then, 
sanguine of success, I stood and awaited the judge's decision^ 
It soon came. The judge looked me fiill in the fiice and said : 

"Tour argument is good, Mr. Perkins, very good, and IVe 
been deeply interested in it and when a case comes up 
that your argument fits, I shall give your remarks all the 
consideration that they merit. Sit down t " 

This is why I gave up law and resorted to lecturing and 
writing for the newspapers. 

A Precise Answer. 

The following anecdote is submitted to professional gentle> 
men who give evidence before coroner's juries : A witness for 
the prosecution in a murder case was thus Questioned by his 
honor : 

'^ You say you saw the man shot at and killed! " 

** Yes, sir." 

^^ You said, I think, that the charge struck the deceased on 
bis body, between the diaphragm and the duodenum t '' 



MS 

^^Kcs slif I didn't eay no sich thing. I said he was shot 

between the hog-pen and the wood-house." 

« « 

^*Do yon think I shall have justice donemef saidacolprit 
to his counsel, a shrewn Kentucky lawyer, of the best class 
in that ^' eloquent State." 

, ^^ I am a little a&aid you iJoorCt^ replied the other ; ^^ I see 
two men on the^ jury who are oppoaed to hanging I " 

Grave Wit 

The bar is noted for its wit ; but it is not always that the 
best things are said before the bar. A poor fellow, in his 
examination the other day, was asked if he had not been in 
that court before, and what for t (He had been up for body 
stealing). 

^^It was for nothin' at all," said the humorist, '-honly 
rescning a feller cretur from the grave." 

Judioial Iffnoranoa 

Last week, writes Alex. Sweet, a strapping negro woman 
was up before an Austin justice, charged with unmercifiilly 
beating her boy, a saddle-colored imp. 

*^ I don't understand how you can have the heart to treat 
your own child so cruelly." 

^^ Jedge, has you been a parent of a wufless yaller boy like 
dat ar cub of mine ? " 

" Never — no, never I " ejaculated the judge, with great vehe- 
mence, getting red in the face. 

^^ Den don't talk ; you don't know nuffin about it I " 

A Jury of His Peers. 

[t has got to be understood that when a prisoner is innocent 
he should be tried by a jury of his peers. You want a jury 



384 WIT AND HUMOB. 

tii«n that cannot be fooled with then. Ton want a jar> 9rhn 
/nH give a true verdict. But when the pnsoner is guilt) and 
yon want to acquit him you must have an ignorant jnry. You 
i^ant a jury that you can fool with — a jury that you can make 
oelieve black is white. Such an ignorant jury should have low 
jrows and wear No. 6 hats. In order to get this ignorant 
inror I submit the following old form for interrogating a jury- 
man, which can be nsed by any lawyer : 

Blank I^orm. 

** Are you opposed to capital punishment ? ' 

"Oh, yes — yes, sir.'' 

"If you were on a jury, then, where a man was being 
tried for his life, you wouldn't agre^ to a ^"erdict to hang 
him ? " 

" Yes, sip— yes, I would." 

" Have you formed or expressed an opinion as to the gnil] 
or innocence of the accused ? " 

"YeSjSirl'' 

** Your mind, then, is made up ? " 

** Oh, no — ^no, it ain't. " 

^^ Have you any bias for or against the prisoner V " 

"Yes, I think I have." 

*^ Are you prejudiced I " 

"Oh, no, not a bit'* 

^^ Have you ever heard of this case? " 

"I think I have." 

"Would yon decide, if on the jnry, according to the evi 
dence or mere rumor} " 

"Mere rumor." 

"Perhaps you don't understand : would yon decide accord 
ing to evidence ! " 

"Evidence." 

" If it was in your power to do so^ would yon change the 
law of capital punishment or let it stand i " 

"Let it stand." 



LAwrass. 885 

The court : **' Would you lee it stand or change it? *' 
^* Change it" 

"Now, which would you dul " 
** Don't know, sir." 
** Are you a freeholder 1 ^ 
*'Te8 — sir, oh, yes." 

**Do you own a house and land, or rent? '' 
** Neither — I'm a boarder." 
*' Have you formed an opinion ? ** 
* No, sir. " 

•* Have you expressed an opinion t ^ 
«♦ Think I have." 

The court : " Gtentlemen^ I think the juror is competent il 
is very evident he has never formed or expressed an opinio? 

on the subject " « « 

« 

"Gentlemen of the jury," was the impassioned peroradoB 
of a lawyer in a city court a few days ago, " Gk>d knows mj 
client is innoceut, and what is more to the purpose, I know it I ' 

A MUwaukee Lawyer Who Knew Som.etlilnff. 

A Milwaukee lawyer, who came back after some years' 
absence from the city, and went almost immediately into th« 
trial of a jury case. "I believe," said he to his opponent, as 
he glanced at the occupants of the jury-box, "I know more 
than lialf those fellows, if I have been away so k»rig." 

*'I should think it strange," was the encouraging reply, **i/ 
you didm?t kfwu/ inore thorn all of th&m 1 " 



Hard On Lawyera 

In Akron, Ohio, where they have the personal damage 
tem])enmce law, writes Eli Perkins, 1 hoaril of a funny tem- 
perancre case. A nunsullcr, wlioiii I will aiU Hi Cljurcli, 
because he was "high '' most of tlic time, who had been sued 
^veral times for damage done b} his rum on. citizens of the 



886 WIT AND HUMOR. 

town. One man came ont drunk and smashed in a big gUuv 
window. He was too poor to pay for it, and the owner came 
against Church. A boj about sixteen got drunk and let a 
horse run away, breaking his arm. His father made Chnrdi 
pay the damage. A mechanic got drunk and was killed on 
the railroad track, and his wife sued Church for $2,000 and 
got it A farmer got drunk and was burned in his bam on the 
hay. His son sued Church and recovered $1,800. Church 
got sick of paying out so much money for peraonal and prop 
erty damages. It ate up all the rumseller^s profits. 

Still, he acknowledged the law uj uv a statute, and that ii 
held him responsible for all the damage done by his rum. 
He used to argue, also, that sometimei^ his rum did people 
good, and then he said ho ought to receive something back. 
One day, lawyer Thompson got to drinking. Thompsoc 
was mean, like most all lawyers, and when he died of the 
delirium tremens there wasn't much mourning in Akron. 
There wasn't anybody who cared enough for Thompson to sue 
Church for dami;ge done. So, one day, Church went before 
the Court himsel£ 

^^ What does Mr. Church want ? " asked the Justica 
" I tell yer what, Jedge," commenced the rumseller, " wheii 
my rum killed that thar mechanic Johnson and farmer Mason, 
I cum down like a man. I paid the damage and squared up 
like a Christian — now, didn't I, Jedge ? " 
^^ Yes, you paid the damage, Mr. Church ; but what then ?'* 
'' Well, Jedge, my rum did a good deal to'ards killm' lawyei 
Thompson, now, and it 'pears ter me when I kill ft lawyei I 
kinder oughter get a rebate ! " 

A Ctontinfirent Fee 

A Kew Yorker asked' Wm. M. Evarts what he would chaige 
for managing a certain law case. 

^^ Well," said Mr. Evarts, ^^ I will take your case on a contin- 
gent £ee." 



lAWTSBi^ 887 

^^ And what is a contingent fee?'' 

^*JA.j dear sir,'' said Mr. Evarts, melliflnonsly, '^ I will tell 
yon what a contingent fee to a lawyer means. If I don't win 
your sTiit I get nothing. If I do win it yon get nothing. 
Seel " — J!hw Tort JHommg JonmaL 



Ptoteeaional Veraoltar. 

nWiftni* rniwuQ? 
The Lawyer: 
I slept in an editor's bed last nighty 

When no other chanced to be nigh. 
How I thought as I tumbled the editor's bed 
How easily editors lie. 

The EdUorr 
If the lawyer slept in the editor's bed 

When no lawyer chanced to be nig^. 
And though he has written and naively saidi 

How easily editors lle^ 
He must then admit, as he lay on that bed 

And slept to hiB heart's desire, 

Whate'er he may say of the editor's bed. 

Then the lawyer himself was the lierc 

« « 

An Irish crier at Ballinsloo being ordered to dear the coorl, 
did so by this aunooncement : ^^ Now, then, all ye hladkgv/vrdi 
that isn't Ic^wyersy most lave the coort" 



The Toun^r Iiawyer in Society and in Iioira 

The other night I met a young Columbia College law-student 
at a party. He was dandug with Miss Johnson 

"I have an engagement to dance the * Railroad Galop' with 
Ifiss Johnson," I remarked — " number ten.'' 

" Ton have an engagement ? 1 on mean you have retained 
her for a dance ? " 

" She has contracted to dance with me,'* I said. 

*'But contracts where no earnest money is paid are null and 
void. Ton must vacate the premises.'^ 



388 WIT AND HTJHOB. 

"But will you please give me ]\a\t o£ a dance? I ask thr 
courtesv." 

*' Why yes, Mr. Perkins," he said, "take her"; but recol- 
lecting his law knowledge, he caught hold of my coat-sIeevc 
and added this casual remark : 

" I give and bequeath to you, Mr. Eli Perkins, tc have and 
to hold in trust, one-half of my right, title and claim and mj 
advantage, in a dance known as the ^ Railroad Galop ' witl 
Amelia Johnson, with all her hair, paniers, Grecian bend, 
rings, fans^ belts, haiivpins, smelling-botties, and straps, witb 
all the right and advantage therein ; with AiU power to have, 
hold, encircle, whirl, toss, wiggle, push, jam, squeeze, or other- 
wise use — except to smash, break oi otherwise damage — and 
with right to temporarily convey the said Amelia Johnson, he? 
hair, rings, paniers, straps, and other heretofore or hereinafte 
mentioned, after such whirl, squeeze, wiggle, jam, etc., tc hei 
natural parents, now living, and without regard to any deed oi 
deeds or instruments, of whatever kind or nature soevei, tcthf 
contrary in anywise notwithstanding." 

The next evening, the young lawyer called on Miss Johnsoi; 
with whom he was in love, and proposed. 

'^ I have an attachment for you, Miss Johnson,'^ he com- 
mencedo 

" Very well, sir ; levy on the ftimiture," said Miss Johnaoi^ 
indignantly 

*' I mean. Miss Johnson, there is a bond — a mut»ial bond — * 

" Never mind the bond, take the furniture, I say. Take— ' 

* '^ Y ou do not understand me, madame. I came here to court— ' 

" But this is no court, sii. There is no officei ^ 

*'Tes, Miss Johnson, your father said this morning: *Mr. 
Mason, I look upon your oflTer, sir, with favor ' " 

^'Yom officer?'' 

'My oftei, madame — my offer of marriage. I love you, 
1 adox^e— ^ 

"Goodness gmcious ! '' and Miss Johnson ftll fainting ic) 
the floor. 



LAWTXBa 889 



An Bzaot Wftness. 

A descendant of tBe ancient squatter who, like his pre 
decessor, has from earliest recollection been living on lands 
whose title is just about as genuine as the title of tlie average 
colonel, was summoned before court as a witness. The old 
man had heard a great deal ot courts, and how it was the aim 
of lawyers to ^^ ketch a feller in a lie and make fun of him«' 
and he was resolved not to allow himself to be disgraced. 

" mat is your name?" asked the lawyer- 

" Which one? I've got several.** 

'* The one that you sign ? " 

"I don't sign none ; I can't writa** 

" Is your name PeggletonI ^ 

** That's part of it" 

" What's the other part ? ^ 

^^ You guessed so well the first time, now gues» again.'' 

^ The summons says that your name is Josiah Peggleton ; is 
that correct?" 

** I reckon it is." 

** You have known the prisoner a long time, I tmderstand.^ 

**I never seed the prisoner before." 

^^ Look out, sir, you'll perjure yourself. It is well known 
that you have been intimate with the man Jackson." 

** Yes, I know Jackson mighty well." 

** Thought you never saw him before ? " 

"I didn't say it" 

'^ Yes, you did. Your exact words were, ^* I never taw ihi* 
prisoner before. " 

^' I never did, for he wan't a prisoner when I seed him." 

^^ Ah, a very fine construction. See that you continue to be 
so particular. Did you see the qoarrel between Jackson aa& 
Alrichs?" 

^^No,dr; never seed it" 



890 wrr and huhob. 

" Look out, sir, look out I Were you present when die two 
men quarreled, and fought I " 

"I wasthar." 

^* Thought you said that you didn't see the quarrel > ** 

" I didn't see it I heard it. " 

*^Tou are very exact. We'll see how far your analysis will 
serve you. I understand then that you heard the quarrel I " 

"I don't know." 

** Didn't you cay that you heard it" 

"Yes, but I don't know what ycu understand.^ 

^* How &r apart were they standing I " 

« I didn't measure it" 

«« How fer do you think! " 

«« I don't think." 

"Tour Honor," exclaimed the lawyer, "I wish you would 
impress upon this man the importance of answering my ques- 
tions. The result of this case depends much upon his tes- 
timony." 

" Mr. Peggleton," said the judge, " you must tell what you 
know ab«ut the fight in a straightforward manner." 

"You're the judge, I reckon." 

" Yes, I'm the judge. " 

" An' you want me to tell what I know about this %ht Jln A 
«traightforward manner t Well, the fight wa'n't in a straight- 
forward manner, for you nerer seed sich a scratchm' and 
cwistin' around. The two men met, cussed each other, and fit 
They fit because they cussed, but I don't know why they 
cussed. One knocked the other down, and then the otlier 
knocked him down. Then they fit Arter awhile the other 
one fell and got up and knocked him down. Then they fit 
About this time the thing got sorter interestin', and I sorter 
wanted to jine hands myself, but I didn't Arter awhilo they 
stopped, and cussed while they was restin'. Then they fit 
again, an' both of them fell over a chunk I couldn't keep out 
any longer. The temptation was too strong, and while they 



IAWTBB8. 891 

laid on the gronnd I gethered a pole an' sajs, ^ here's to yon, 
boys,' and hit both of 'em at once. Tlien I jumped the fence 
an'- run away, and that's all I know about the fight. Thank 
you for your perlite attention," and before he could be re- 
strained he had left the court-room. 



Ck3zmn6noed "Work Very TouDff. 

A woman was testifying in behalf of her son, and swore 
" that he had worked on a farm ever since he was bom." 

The lawyer who cross-examined her, said : 

'^ You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since 
he was bom ? " 

"I do." 

" What did he do the first year? " 

QeiL Butler's Hard "V^ltness. 

^^ How high w;a8 the dam ? " asked Qen. Butler of a stubborn 
witness. 
" About twenty feet " 
" What was there on top of the dam ? " 
"A log." 

'* What did the log rest on at the east end ? " 
'•Onarock." 

^' What did the west end rest on ? " 
"Don't know." 

The general dropped his pen suddenly and sharply cried out: 
'•You don't know ? Why don't you know ? " 
The witness changed the cross of his legs and shifted his 

quid to the other cheek and then replied : 

^ Because I don't" 

Tlie general got up enthusiastically, and pointed his index 
finger at the witness and shrieked out : 



89i Wir AHD HUMUL 

*^Do jaa mean to tell this court and jury that yon can't tell 
what the west end of the log rested on t ^ 

" Certainly I do.'' 

" When did you see the log last I" 

"Day before yesterday." 

^' And didn't you see the west end of the logf 

"No." 

" Now, on your oath, tell us why you can't tell what tne 
west end of that log rested on ? " shouted the general, with 
great solemnity. 

" Because the west end was stuck in the bank.^ 

Tableau. Judge H and the lawyers enjoyed a silenl 

laugh as the general sighed out a surprised ^^ Ah I " 

The sheriff rapped and cried out ^' silence " to the laughing 

crowd. * » 

« 

An irritable and obstinate judge gave great off(Bnce to Lawyet 
Brady, by refusing attention to his argument, upon which the 
lawyer, turning to a friend, observed rather sharply : 

^^ That judge," said Brady, " has every quality of a jackasf 
^pt patience." 

• 

Answered Oorreotly. 



44 



And now, Mrs. Sullivan," said lawyer Thomson, "wil 

* 

you be kind enough to tell the jury whetlier your husband was 
in the habit of striking you with impunity J " 

"Wid what, sir?" 

"With impunity." 

" He WU2, sir, now and thin ; but he sthmck me ofthenei 
wid his fisht." • 

The Bffect of a Strong Pleeu 

A man in North Carolina who was saved from conviction lot 
horse-stealing by the powerful plea of his lawyer, after hw 
acquittal by the jury, was asked by the lawyer r 










"ZnibadoKgonedlf I Ala'tgotmydoiibttaboutU.' (9N[Mg*mi> 



893 LAWYBBS. 

" Honor bright, now, Bill, you did steal that horse, didn^t 
you?" 

** Now, look a-here, judge," was the reply, " I allers did think 
I stole that hoss, but since I heam your speech to that 'ere jury. 
Til be doggoned if I a^n^t got my doubts about it/* 

Proof Positive. 

'* And you say that you are innocent of the chai^ of steal- 
*tig a rooster from Mr. J ones ? " asked an Arkansas judge of 
a meek-lookii^ prisoner. 

^' Yes, sir, I am innocent — as innocent as a child." 

^^ You are confident that you did not steal the rooster from 
Mr. Jones?" 

*' Yes, sir ; and I can prove it" 

*' How can you prove it ? " 

^^ I can prove that I didn't steal Mr. Jones' rooster, Jodge^ 
because I stole two hens from Mr. Graston the same night, 
and Jones lives five miles from Graston's." 

*'The proof is conclusive," said the judga '^Dischaige 
die pri8oner^" 

A Smart Wltnesa 

Hr. Jones loaned Mr. Smith a horse, which died while in 
his (Smith's) possession. Mr. Jones brought suit to recover 
the value of the horse, attributing his death to bad treatment. 
During the course of the trial a witness (Brown) was called to 
the stand to testify as to how Mr. Smith treated horses. 

Lawyer (with a bland and confidence-invoking smile). 
•* Well, sir, how does Mr. Smith generally ride a horse ? " 

Witness (with a very meny twinkle in his eye» otherwise 
imperturbable). ^^ Astraddle, I believe, sir." 

Lawyer (with a scarcely perceptible flush of vexation on his 
cheek, but still speaking in his blandest tones). ^^Bol^ dr, 
what gait does he ride?'^ 



WIT AND HUICOB. 394 

Witness. " He never rides any gate, sir. His boys ride 
ail tlie gates." 

Lawyer (his bland smile gone and his voicje slightly hnsfy^ 
*' But how does he ride when in com^iany with others f *' 

Witness. ^^ Keeps up, if his horse is able ; if not, he goes 
behind." 

Lawyer (triumphaniiy, end in perfect fury). " How does he 
ride when alone, sir i " 

Witness. *^ Don't know ; never was with him when he wbA 
alone." 

Lawyer. **I have done with you, sir.'* 

Value of a St. Louis Oliaraoter. 

"Well, prisoner, you say you lived in St Louis!" 
^^ Yes, sir ; and when I came to that town three years age 
I had no character, but now — ^ 
"What now?" 

** Why, Jedge, now I have a character, and — ^ 
**That settles it. Ten dollars and thirty days," said the 
judge. "A man -with no character at all is a better citizen 
than a man with a St. Louis character. Gall the next easa" 

Debts of Bonor. 

The famous Paul Jones, iiaving resolved to pay his debts, 
first discharged those which are termed debts of honor. An 
artisan, who was one of hie creditors, called on him and pie* 
sented his bill. 

^* I have no money just now, my fiiend," said Jones. 

^^But, sir, I know that you paid away fifty pounds this 
morning, and that you have soil some left" 

** Oh I that was a debt of honor." 

^ Well, sir, I will make mine one also ;" and so saying the 
man threw IjIs aocDUut into the fire. 



395 )LkWTVBb. 



JLbsenxt-MbidedDieeo. 



^^ What would be yoai* notion of absent-mindedness ?^^ asked 
Rufns Choate of a witness whom he was cross-examining. 

" Well,^' said the witness^ with a strong Yankee accent, ^* I 
jhoold say that a man who thought he^d left his watch to hum, 
md took it out^n 'is pocket to see if he'd time to go hum and 
jet it, was a leetle absent-minded*^, 

What Nezt9 

^^ What did you have at the first saloon yoa stopped 9 ^ askeo 
a lawyer of a witness in an assault and battery case. 

" What did we have ? Four glasses of ale, sir. " 

** What next ? " 

" Two glasses of whisky.** 

*« Next ? '' 

** One glass of brandy. ^ 

"Next?'' 

"A fight" 

 

A lawyer, on being cajled to account by JRufus Choate foi 
having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fee 
from his client, pleaded that he had taken (dl the man had. 

" Very v7ell,*' said Mr. Choate, '^ we will have to excuse you, 
then.'* 

Smarter Than Be Lookad. 

'' William Look I Tell us, William, who maae you?** said 
Lawyer Thompson, of Little Bock, to a half-witted witness. 

William, who was considered a fool, screwed up his faee^ 
and looking thoughtfol and somewhat bewildered, answered, 
'* Moses, I suppose." 

*'That will do," said Lawyer Thompson, addressing the 
ocurf.. '^Witness says he supposes Moses made him. That 



Wrr AND HX7H0B. 806 

is an intelligent answer, more than I thought hun capable of 
giving, tor ib shows that he has some faint idea of Scripture. I 
submit it was not sufficient to entitle him to be sworn as a wit- 
ness capable of giviug evidence/' 

'^Mr. Judge/' said the fool, ^^maj I ax the lawyer a 
question ?" 

" Certainly,'' said the judge. 

"Well, then, Mr. Lawyer, who do you suppose made 
you?" 

"Aaron, I suppose," said Lawyer Thompson,* imitating the 
witness. 

After the mirth had somewhat subsided, the witness drawled 
out: " Wall, now, we do read in the Book that Aaron once 
made a calf, but who'd ha' thought the critter'd got in here?" 

The judge ordered the man to be sworn. 

A Sharp Dlalo^e. 

"What's gone of your husband, woman?" asked a judge of 
an Irish woman. 

" What's gone of him, yer honor? Faith, and b^N gOLt 
dead." 

Ah! Pray what did he die of?*' 

Die of, yer honor? He died of a Friday." 

I don't mean what day of the week, but what complaint.* 

" Faith, and it's himself that did rofc get time to complain." 

•* Did he die yery suddenly?" 

"Yes, very suddenly for him." 

"Did he fall in a fit?" 

No answer. 

" He fell down in a fit, perhaps?" 

" Why, no, not exactly a fit, your honor. He fell out of a 
window, or through a cellar door — 1 don't know what they call 



44 
44 
44 



It." 



"Oh, ay~and broke his neck?" 

87 



897 LAWTEES. 

" No, not quiU that, your worship.*' 
"What then?'* 

" There was a bit of sthring or cord or that like, and it 
throttled poor Mike/* 
" Quite likely. Call the next case.** 

* 
"You are a nuisance; Til commit you,** said an offended 
judge to a noisy person in courb. " You have no right tc 
commit a nuisance,** said the offender. 

When a Kentucky judge, some years ago, was asked by an 
attorney, upon some strange ruling/^ Is that law, your honor?** 
he replied: 

"If the court understand herself, and she think he do, it 
are!*' 



InteUlgent Juror. 

" Ah,** said a Louisiana lawyer, to a clay-eating white man 
from the hills, "what brougl^t you to Lake Providence?*' 

" Why, sir,'* said the countryman, " I am f otched here as a 
jury^ and they say if I go home, they will have iofind me, and 
they moutn*t do that, as I live a good piece.'* 
" What jury are you on?'* asked a lawyer. 
"What jury?** 

" Yes, what jury ? Orand or traverse jury ?** 
" Grand or travis jury? Dad febch it if I know!*' 
" Well,'* said the lawyer, "did the judge charge you?'* 
" Well, squire," said he, " the little fellow that sits up in the 
pulpit and kinder bosses it over the crowd gin us a talk, but I 
don't know whsther he charged anything or not." 

The crowd broke up in a roar of laughter, and the sheriff 
called court. 



WZr ASD HUKOS. 898 

The Absent-mixidad Lawyer. 

Geoige Harding, Esq., the distmgaished Philadelphia pat- 
ent lawyer, and a brother of William Harding, theaooomplished 
editor of the Philadelphia Ingridrer^ is remarkable for a retentire 
memory. 

On Satorday Mr. Harding rode down to Wall street in a 
Broadway omnibus. At the Domestic Sewing-Machine building 
a beautiful young lady got in and handed fifty cents to the distin- 
guished attpmey , requesting him to please hand it to the driver. 

^'With pleasure," said Mr. Harding, at the same time pass- 
ing the fifty cents up through the hole to the stage-man. 

The driver made the change and handed forty cents back to 
Mr. Harding, who quietly put it away into his vest pockety and 
went on reading a mowing-machine brief. 

Then all was silent. 

The young lady began to look nervously at Mr. Harding for 
her change. '*• Gan it be possible that this is one of those polite 
oonfidance men we read of in books ? " she thought to herself. 

llien she looked up timidly and asked Mr. Hoarding some- 
thing about the Brooklyn ferry. 

•*0h, the boats run very regular — every three minutes,^ re- 
plied the interrupted lawyer, trying to smile. Then he went 
on reading his briefl 

'^ Do the boats run from Wall street to Astoria? " continued 
the young lady. 

**1 don't know, madame," replied Mr. H, petulantly ; "Pm 
not a resident of New York ; I'm a Philadelphian. " 

"Ah 1 yes"— (then a silence). 

Mr. Harding again buried himself in his brie^ while the 
foong lady oAeflseJ and asked him what the fare was in the 
New Tork stage. 

" Why, ten cents, madaree — t^c ceuts. " 

'* But I gave you fifty cents to give to the driver," interrupted 
the young lady, '* and — " 



300 LAWYBBS. 

^^ Didnt he retom your change ! Is it possible } Here, 
driver I " the lawyer oontinaed, dropping the brief and pulling 
the strap violently, '-^ why the dickens don't you give the lady 
her forty cents, sir, forty cents ? " 

^^ I did give her the change. I gave forty cents to you, and 
yon put it in your own pocket," shouted back the driver. 

"To me ? *' said Mr. Harding, feeling in his vest pocket, from 
which his fingers brought out four ten-cent pieces. " Gracious 
goodness, madame 1 1 beg ten thousand pardons, but — ^but — " 

"Oh, never mind," said thfe lady, eyeing him suspiciously, 
"you know la lady in a wicked city like New York has to look out 
for herselfl it's no matter — it wasn't the forty cents ; but be- 
fore I had left home mother cautioned me against polite confi- 
dence men, who look so good outside, but — " 

" Goodness gracious ! my dear woman 1 " exclaimed Mr, 
ELarding, while all the passengers eyed him with suspicion, "I 
assure yoo — ^' 

But the stage stopped then, and the yoxmg Isdy, holding 
&st to her "portrmoneyj got out and fied into the Custom House, 
while Mr. Harding went on filling up in this form : 

" Goodness gracious I Did you ever? O Lord ! what shall 
I do? ^' etc 

The distinguished lawyer got so excited about the affair thaJ 
he went back to Philadelphia next morning ->a ruined man. 
He even forgot to take a $10,000 iee which Ketchum was to 
pay him in a mowing-machine case. He says he'd rather pay 
110,000 than to let the Philadelphia fellows get hold of the 
story, for fear they would be asking him what he wanted to do 
with that poor woman's forty cents . 

Examination of lAwyasm 

Q. — What is a writ of attachment? 
Ans. — A letter from my sweetheart. 
Q. — What is a stay of proceedings? 



WIT AND HUMO&. 400 

Aug. — ^Finding a roach in a plate of soup you have beep 
eating ^ 

Q. — ^When do you discontinue suit? 

Ans. — When another fellow cuts voa out 

Q. — What is an appeal i 

Ans. — When cornered by your washerwoman to ask for 
more time, 

Q. — ^What is personal property K 

Ans. — ^A wife and children. 

Q. — ^What is a "quo warranto? '* 

Ans.— A writ inquiring by what right one man can kiss 

another's wife. « 

« 

Q. — ^What is a distress ? 
Ana*'— A Bain in the stomach. 

Judge Siiay. 

Judge Shay, of New York, was traveling in Ireland, and on 
one occasion was obh'ged to sleep with an Irishman in a 
crowded hotel, when the following conversation ensued: 

^^Pat, you would have remained a long time in the old 
country before you could have slept with a judge, would you 
not?" 

"Yes, your honor," said Pat; ''and I think your honor 
would have been a long time in the ould country before ye'd 
been a judge, too.*^ 

He Was a Gkxxl ICaa, 

A New York judge was examining an Irish witness, who 
lives down near Five Points, in regard to the morality or a 
prisoner, when the following cOUoquy took place : 

Judge. " Do you know the prisoner, sir I ^' 

Irish witness, '*Yes, sir.^' 

Judge. ** How long' has he been in this country 9 '' 



401 . 

Witness. " A little over five year,** 

Judge. ^^ Is he a man of good moral character ? " 

Witness (quite bewildered). "Sure, your honor, I donH 
know what moral character means. '\ 

Judge. " Well, sir, I will talk more plainly to yon. Does 
O'Brien stand fair before the community t " 

Witness (completely nonplused). "By my sowl, I don't 
apprehend your raaning, your honor." 

Judge (rather irritated). "I mean to ask you, sir, if O^Brien, 
the person who wants to be a citizen, and for whom yon are a 
witness, is a good man or not ? " 

Witness. " Oh ! why didn't yon ax me that way before I 
To be sure he is a good man. Sure and TVe seen him in ten 
fights during the last two yeart, and every time he licked his 



mau.'^ 



Booffh On tbb Lawyer. 

A very emment lawyer in New York received a severe 
reprimand from a witness on the stand whom he was trying to 
brow-beat. It was an important issue, and in order to save his 
cause from defeat, it was necessary that Mr. A., tlie lawyer, 
should impeach the witness. He endeavored to do it on the 
ground of age. The following dialogue ensued : 

** How old are you ? " asked the lawyer. 

" Seventy-two years," answered the witness. 

'^ Your memory, of course, is not so brilliant and vivid as it 
was twenty years ago, is it ? " 

"I do not know but it is," 

^^ State some circumstance," said the lawyer, ^^ which oc 
curred, say, twelve years ago, and we shall be able to see how 
well you can remember." 

^' I appeal to your honor if I am to be interrogated in this 
manner ; it is insolent," exclaimed the witness to the judge. 

^^ You had better answer the question," said the judge 



1¥IT AND HUMOB. 402 

•* Tee, sir ; state it ! " commanded the lawyer. 

** Well, if you compel me to do it, I will. About twelve 
fears ago you studied in Judge B. 's office, did you not ? '' 

" Yes," replied the lawyer, 

** Well, sir, I remember your father coming into my office 
and saying to me, ^Mr. D., my son is to be examined tomor- 
row, and I wish you would lend me fifteen dollars to buy him 
a new suit of clothes.' I remember, also, from that day to 
this he has not paid me that sum. That, sir, I remember as 
though it was but yesterday.'^ 

IfSWls On Lawyers. 

" Have you had a job to-day, Tim ? " inquired a well-known 
legal gentleman of the equally well-known, jolly, florid-faced 
old drayman, who, rain or shine, summer or winter, is rarely 
absent from his post in front of the post-office. 

'«Bedad, Idid, sor." 

"How many?" 

" On'y two, sor," 

" How much did you get for both ?*• 

" Sivinty dnts, sor." 

" Seventy cents ! How in the world do you expect to live 
and keep a horse on seventy cents a day ?" 

" Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor ; but bizniss has 
been dull to-day, sor. On'y the hauling of a trunk for a gintil- 
man for forty cints, an' a load of furniture for thirty cints ; an' 
there was the pots an' the kittles, an' the divil on'y knows 
phat ; a big load, sor." 

'*Do you carry big loads ot household goods for thirty 
cents ? " 

" She was a poor widdy, sor, an' had no more to give me. 
I took all she had, sor ; an' bedad, sor, a Iyer could have done 
no better nor that, sor." 

And old Tim had won the first fall. 



408 



Ckaryhig a Joke Too Vast. 

Bill Jones stole a saw, and on his trial he told the Jndge 
that he only took it as a joke. 

" How far did yon carry it ! ^ inquired the Jndge. 

"Two miles," answered the prisoner. 

"Ah ! Mr. Jones, that's carrying a joke too far,'' said the 

Jndge, and the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three months. 

« « 

« 

"Prisoner, why did yon follow this man and beat and kick 
him so shamefully ? '' 

"I am' sorry, your honor — ^I was a little drank, and T 
thought it was my wife.'' 

A Leadville Cknoner's Jury. 

A man was found dead in Leadville, writes Eli Perkins, and 
the coroner^s jury summoned to investigate the case brought 
in the following verdict : 

We find that Jack Smith came to his death from " heart 
disease." We found two bullet holes and a dirk knife in that 
organ, and we recommend that Bill Younger be lynched to 
prevent the spreading "of the disease." 

Neffro Idea of Justice. 

I was visiting Darlington, South Carolina, m 1868, writes 
Eli Perkins, where I attended court presided over by a negm 
justice. 

"Csesar Green, an aged colored man, had been arrested for 
stealing a cow, killing her and disposing of the meat. The 
hide and horns found on Mr. Green's premises were proof of 
the crime. In fact. Green confessed to stealing the cow. 

"Well, Mr. Green," said the Darkey judge, "you stands 



404 WIT AHU HUMOR. 

Meted ob stealin' de cow. Now, what you got to say for 
jnisself ? What you gwine to do 'hout it ? " 

*' I hain't got nuifin to say, jedge, but I 'spose jestioe de- 
mands dat I pay for de cow ? " 

" Yes, you's got to pay seventeen dollars for de cow," said 
the justice, sternly, *'and dot will settle it." 

^^ But, jedge, I hain't got de seventeen dollars" 

" No money at ole ? " 

" No, not a cent, jedge." 

^^ Does anybody owe you any money } " asked the judge. 

^' Yes," said the culprit, ^^ Jack South owes me seventeen 
dollar, and hes done owed it to me since Christmas." 

'''Very well," said the judge, sternly. "Justice must take 
her course. De law must be satisfied. I order de sheriff to 
dischai^ de pris'ner an' arrest Jack Smith, an' hold him io 
dose 'finement till he pays de seventeen dollars." 

When I left Darlington, two weeks after, I learned Smitl. 
had paid the seventeen dollars, and justice (colored) was 
satisfied. 

Be Wouldn't Bump. 

At the last term of the court of common pleas of Uppei 
Sandusky, Ohio, there happened to be upon the docket a case 
of "Bump against Baker." When judge Beer reached this 
case upon the first call there was no answer, and the judge 
called out to the attorney for the plaintiff: 

" Mr. Jones, ' Bump against Baker.' " 

Mr. Jones, who had not been paying strict attention, and 
evidently not comprehending the situation, looked up and said : 

" Bump against him yourself ^ Judge,'^^ 

* « 

« 

- Two lawyers were conversing about a case^ when one said : 
" We have justice on our side." "What we want," said the 
other, "is the CMsf Justice.^ 



LAWTSB8. iOd 



•Hie Peijurer. 

"Then, gentlemen," said Judge Johnson, of Nashville, to 
the jury, '' thar's subornation of perjury, which is likewise 
forbid by law, and which I reckon is one of the meanest crimes 
that men get to do fur money. It's when a feller is too smart 
or too scary to swar to a lie hisself, and so gets another man to 
do it far him, and one of yer mean, dirty, snivelin\ little- 
minded fellers I Why, a whole regiment of sich souls could 
hold a jubilee in the middle of a mnstard seed, and never hear 

of one another !" 

« « 

« 

"Would you convi3t a man on circumstantial evidence?* 
asked an Arkansaw j ndge. 

" I dnnno wot dat i6, jedge." 
. « Well, what do yon think it is ? '^ 

"Well, 'cordin' to my judgment, sarcumstanshil is 'bout dis: 
If one man shoots annudder and kills him, he orter to be hung 
for it. Ef he don't kill him, he orter go to the plenipotentiary. - ' 



The Old Spoons Story. 

Colonel Charles Spencer, our New York counselor at law, 
some years ago had to defend one Marshall, charged with 
larceny, and against whom there was very strong evidence. 
Before the trial Spencer went to his client and told him that his 
only chance of escape was in a plea of insanity, and he advised 
him to play the Innatic, and to answer all questions put to him 
with the word "spoons." The day of the trial came on, and 
Marahall took his place in the dock, pale, haggard and wild- 
looking. 

" Guilty or not guilty ? " asked the clerk. 

^^ Spoons ! " drawled the prisoner, with a blank stare. 

"Come, plead guilty or not guilty," repeated the derk 



MQ wrr axd hihiob. 

^^ Spoons ! ^ was the only reply. 

^^Prisoner, will yoa answer the qnestion pat to yon, or do 
yon want to be punished for contempt ? '^ asked the iudge. 

^^ Spoons," bawled the prisoner, still nnmoyed* 

At this point the counsel for the prisoner interfered, and told 
the conrt diat his client was not in a oondition to be put on 
trial, as he was evidently not responsible for his actions, and 
it was an outrage on a free citizen, etc. 

^' Do yon understand what is said t " asked the judges ^ 
dressing the prisoner. 

^* Spoons," was his reply, in aooents wild. 

It was evident that the nmnwasorasy, and the judge orderod 
him discharged He waa taken charge of by his friends, who 
were present, and left the oourt with them. Counselor Spencer 
followed them, and, congratulating hin^ on his escape, sng* 
gested thatit might be a good idea to pay him his fee. Hia 
client stared at him with blank amazement, and moved away 
with the simple remari^^ ^^Spoona.'* 

IboMuoh Alibi 

^* You say that Ellis plowed for you all day on the SMh of 
November f " asked a lawyer who waa trying to disprove an 
alibi 

^^Yes,^ replied the witness, referring to hia memorandmc 
book. 

<< What did he do on the 80tht^ cuntinued the lawyer. 

" He chopped wood.** 

"OntheSlst?" 

^^That was Sunday, and he went a squirrel hundngi* 

''What did he do on the 82dt" 

'' He threshed the wheat on that day.^ 

" What did he do on the 38d ? '' 

'' It was raining, and he shaved out some handles." 

''What did he do on the 34th ? ^ 



407 



*^ He chopped wood.** 
^'Whatdidhedoonihe 



But before the qaestion could be flnished, the witnefls' wife 
seized him by the collar and wiiisked him oatside of the witness 
box, yelling in his affrighted ear^ ^^ Yon old fool ! don't yoa 
know that there are only tidrty-cne days in the month of 
November ! ^ 

Brady and tlia Gobbler. 

When James T. Brady first opened a lawyer's office in New 
Tork, he took a basement room which had previonsly been oocn- 
pied by a cobbler. He was somewhat annoyed by the previous 
Qccnpimt's callers, and irritated by the fiict that he had few d 
QiB own. One day an Irishman entered. 

^^The cobbler's gone, I see,'' he said. 

^^ I should think he has,*' tartly responded Brady. 

^^Andwhatdo ye seUt" he said, looking at the solitary 
cable and a few law books. 

^* Blockheads." responded Brady. 

'^ Begorra," said the Irishman, ^'ye must be doing amigfaly 
ine bofliness — ye hain't got but one left.^ 

«<If your honor please, I'd like to get off the jury," said a 
fnryman to Judge Oakey, of New York, just as the trial was 
about to commen ce. 

*^ Tou can't get off without a good excuse," said the judge. 

'^ I have a good reason." 

^'Tou must tell it, or serve," said the judge. 

'^But, your honor, I don't believe the other jurors would 
care to liave me serve." 

'^Whynotl outwithiti" 

** Well— "(hesitating). 

"Goon!'* 



408 wrr AJNxv huxqk. 

'' IVe got the Ml^ 

*^Mr. Clerk, ^' was the wittj reply, ^^Bcrateh that man out' 
it is needless to say that this was one of the most mirth-pro- 
voking scenes that ever occiured in the oourtrroom. 

Yoa Won't Strike a Man When He's Down. 

Carran, the Irish barrister, was a man of great magnetic 
force. EUs oratorical powers were of the most splendid style, 
and his wit, pathos and sarcasm irresistibla He is said to 
have received a call before he had left his bed one morning, 
from a man whom he had roughly, and with a good deal of in- 
solence, cross-examined the day before. 

^^ Sir,'' said this irate man, presenting himself in Oarran's 
bedroom, and arousing the barrister fix>m slumber to a con- 
sciousness that he was in a very awkward position, ^^ I am the 
gentleman you insulted yesterday in court, in the presence of 
the whole county, and I have come to thrash you soundly for 
it'' Thus suiting the action to the word, he raised a horse- 
whip to strike Ourran, when the latter quickly said : 

^^ You don't mean to strike a man when he's down t ^ 

^^ No, bedad ; TU jist wait till you've got out of bed^ and 
tihen I'll give it to you." 

Onrran's eye twinkled humorously as he replied : 

** If that's the case, by——, I'll lie here aH day.'' 

80 amused was the Irishman at thia flash of wit,- that he 
dropped his whip, and with a hearty roar of laughter, asked 
Cnrran to shake hands with him* 

His wit., at times, was extremely bitter, as when asked by a 
young poet, whom lie disliked : 

*' Have you seen my ^ Descent into Hell ? ' " he replied : 

'* No : 1 should be delighted to see it" 

At other times, his humor was warm and delightful, as for 
example, when his physician one mQrning observed * 



LA.WTSBB. '40li 

^^ You seem to cough with more difflcolly?^ he replied : 
^^Thot is rather surprising, for I have been practicing ^h 
night" 

Bouff b on BlaokstODfiw 

A young lawyer in Arkansas was arguing a case before a 
judge whose self-conceit was in inverse proportion to his knowl- 
edge of the law. 

The counsel was endeavoring to sustain a legal position he 
had taken in the case. He proceeded to quote Blackstone, 
when the court interrupted him by saying : 

^^ It is presumed, sir, that this court knows the law." 

'^ Yes, your honor, but the presumption ci the court may be 
rebutted," suggested the attorney. 

^^ Sit down, sir, or the court will commit you for contempt 
This court will not be dictated to with impunily ; and if such 
an infringement be made aghin on its dignity, it will immedi- 
ately Older the offender to jaiL" 

^^ Well, if your honor please, I don't say that my point is 
well taken. 1 have great respect for this court, but Fd just 
like to read a little from Blackstone to show what a blamed 
old jackass he must have been." 

SatotlDff the Jtiry. 

A man inribo had never seen the inside of a law court until he 
was recently introduced as a witness in a case pending in one 
of the Scotch courts, on being sworn, took a position with his 
back to the jury, and began telling his story to the judge* The 
judge, in a bland and courteous manner, said : 

'' Address yourself to the jury, sir." 

The man made a short pause, but, not comprehending what 
was said to him, forthwith continued his narrative The judge 
was then more explicit, and said to him ; 



410 WIT AND HUKOB. 

'^ Speak to the juiy, sir — the men sitting behind you on the 
((pnches." 

The witness at once torned round, and, making an awkward 
bow, said, with great gravity of manner : 

" Oood morning, gentlemen ! " 

« « 

* 

^^ Silence in the eonrt I " thundered a Kentucky judge the 
other morning. ^'ELalf a dozen men have been convicted 
already without the court^s having been able to hear a word of 

the testimony." 

« « 

« 

Judge. ^'Have you anything to offer to the court before 
sentence is passed on you? " 
Prisoner. ^^ No, judge. I had ten dollars but my lawyer 

took that" 

• « 

« 

Judge Shay, of New York, w^nt ^ a hotel in Switzerland, 
aud, strutting up to the proprietor, said in an over-powering 
manner, ^^I want a room, the best you have, for I am Judge 
Shay, of New York." 

*^It makes no difference, sir," «aid the hotel keeper, *^ I will 
try and treat you as well as anyone else." 



« 



Judge Oner, late of the United States Supreme Gourt, wm 
once trying a case in Pennsylvania. A blundering jury re> 
turned an unjust verdict As the derk turned to record it, 
Judge Oner said : 

^^Mr. Clerk, that verdict is set aside by tb.e court It mi^ 
as well be understood that in this State it takes thirteen men 
to steal a man^s farm." 



» ft 
ft 



A Chicago lady once applied to a Learned Judge for a 
diToroe. 

<^ What is the name of the husbandt" inquired the T^eamed 
Judge. 



ULWTEBS. 411 

'^I have no hnsband yet, but inasmuch as I contemplate 
matrimony, I feel that I should be prepared ior the worst" 

Ifixed Qraaacmiar. 

A man had been caught in theil, and pleaded in eztenuatioii 
that he was drunk. 

Court (to the policeman, who was witness) — ^^ What did the 
man say when you arrested him f '' 

Witness — "He said he was drunf 

Court — "I want his precise words, just as he uttered them ; 
he didn't use the pronoun hoy did he ? He didn't say hs was 
was drunk ? '' 

Witness — "Oh, yes, he did— he said he was drunk; he 
acknowledged the corn.'' 

Court (getting impatient at the witness' stupidity)— " You 
don't understand me at all ; I want the words as he uttered 
them ; didn't he say I was drunk f " 

Witness (deprecatingly) — "Oh, no, your honor, be didn't 
say you were drunk ; 1 wouldn't allow any man to charge that 
upon you in my presence." 

Prosecutor — "Pshaw! you don't comprehend at all; his 
honor means, did not the prisoner say, ^ I was drunk ? ' " 

Witness (reflectively)—" Weil, he might have said you was 
drunk, but I didn't hear him." 

Attorney for the Prisoner — " Whi^t the court desires is to 
have you state the prisoner's own words, preserving the precise 
torm of the pronoun that he made use of in reply. Was it first 
person, I, second person, thou, or the third person, he, she, or 
it % Now, then, sir, (with severity) upon your oadv didn't my 
client say, ^ I was drunk I '" 

Witness (getting mad) — "No, he didn't say you was drunk, 
either, but if he had I reckon he wouldn't a lied any* Do you 
s'pose the poor fellow charged the whole court with being 
drunk?" 



ilS WIT AVD mOMOSL 



> 



XL Perkins-- Attorney at Law. 

I am now ready to oommenoe the practice of law in New 
York. I've been reading New York law for two weeks — night 
and day. I find all law is based qq precedents. Whenever a 
client comes to me and tells me he has committed a great 
crime, I take down the precedent and tell him what will become 
of him if he don't ran away. 

In cases where clients contemplate great crimes, I tell them 
beforehand what will be the penalty if they don't buy a juryman. 

Yesterday a man came to me and said he wanted to knock 
Mayor Hall's teeth down his throat ^^What will be the 
penalty, Mr. Perkins f " he asked. 

"^^ Are they false teeth or real teeth! " I inquired. 

"False, I think, sir." 

" Then don't do it, sir. False teeth are personal property , 
bnt if they are real, knock away. These are the precedents: " 

TESTS. GASXB. 

Another fellow knocked a Kian'i 
real teeth down his throaty and 
Judge Barnard let him off with a 
reprimand! 

The next day comptroller Green came to me and wanted to 
knock out Mr. Ohas. A. Dana's eye, because Mr. Dana wrote 
such long editorials. 

" Are they real eyes or glass eyes, Mr. Oreen ! '^ I asked. 

^'One looks like glass, the other is undoubtedly real," said 
Mr. Oreen. 

^^Then read this precedent and go for the real eye :^ 



A fellow on Third avenue bor- 
rowed a set of fiilse teeth from the 
Ahow case of a dentist, and he was 
s' nt to Sing Sing for four years. 



P06BIBLX BYE CASES. 



Biaking off with a man's glass 
eye — two years in Sing Sing. 



Tearing out a man's real eye*— 
a fine of 95. 



In cases of legs I find these precedents : 

Stealing a man's crutch — two I Breaking a man*8 leg — aflneoi 
years in the penitentiary. | 910- 



LAWTEltS. 418 



8() I advise clients to go for real eyes and real legs. 

GKNERALLY. 



1 conclude — 

Damage to a man's property — 
the penitientjary and Bevereet ]K>n- 
alty which the law adniits. 



I conclude — 

Damage to or destniction filf a 
man's life — acquittal or a recom* 
mendation to mt.vv. 



Now I am ready to practice. I prefer iinirder or mao- 
dlanghter cases, as they are the simplest If you want to shoot 
a man come and see me, and 1^11 make a bargain with the judge 
and jury, and get yon bail beforehand. 

Naturalization Oourt Soenea. 

Jrl» Mm kPHII* 

The scenes witnessed in the New York courts just prior to 
the annual elections, when the rush to obtain the rights oi 
citizenship is at its height, are often ludicrous. In the Com- 
mon Pleas, for instance, an Irishman, accompanied by a 
witness as to character, approached Judge Brady, when tlie 
following colloquy occurred : 

Judge : ** Tou know this individual ? " 

Witness : *' Av course I do." 

Judge : ^* Is he a man of good moral character } " 

Witness : '' Well, your honor, he rabies the Boible, he plays 
the feddle, he doesn't whip the ould woman, and now and then 
be takes a dhrop of whisky. Will that suit ? " 

Later, a pair on the same errand entered Judge Daly's 
court : 

Judge : " You know this person ? " 

Witness: 'Y-a-a*." 

Judge : " Is his character good ? " 

.Witness : '^Mein Gott, chudge I Of. gourse it is ; he^a a 
poker/ ^^ 

liastly, an Irishman came up before Judge Brady /or natur 
alization : 

•^ ^ How long, Patrick, have you been in this comitry ? " asked 
the judge. 



414 WIT ASD HUMCUL 

" Six yean, yV honor.** 

" Where did you land t '' 

*' In New York, sir.'* 

^^Have yon ever been out of the United States since yoo 
landed, six years ago ? " asked the judge. 

"Niver but once, y'r honor.'' 

*' And where did you go then t " 

" To EJmira, y'r honor.'' 

The judge joined heartily in the explosion that followed, but 
he gave the Irishman his papers, and after the adjoummeDt 
returned to his residence in foreign lands. 

The Irishman got his papers and left the United States again 

tor Elmira. 

« • 

^^ Are you the judge of reprobates ! " said Mrs. PartSngtan, 
as she walked into an office of a judge of probate. 

^^ I am a judge of probate," was the reply. 

"Well, that's it, I expect," said the old lady. " ITou see 
my &ther died detested, and he left several little infidels, and 
I want to be their executioner." 

Hli Perkins on Thad Stevena 

When I lectured before the Carlisle (Pa.) Teachers' Institate 
they told me innumerable stories about that grim old patriot 
and Anti-Slavery agitator, Thad Stevens. 

One day the old man was practicing in the Carlisle courts, 
and he didn't like the ruling of the presiding judge. A second 
time the judge ruled against "old Thad," when the old man 
got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced 
tying up his papers as if to quit the court room. 

"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eyeing 
"old Thad" indignantly, "that you wish to show your oon* 
tempt for this court ? " 

"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old TSiad." "I dontwant 
to show my contempt, sir, Fm trying to conceal it 1 " 



LIWTSBS. 416 



Freoise Words. 

A witness was examined in a case before Judge Folger, who 
required him to repeat the precise words spoken. The witness 
hesitated until he livited the attention of the entire court upon 
him, then, fixing his eyes earnestly on the.judge, began : 

^ May it please your honor/' he said, <^ < yon lie and steal, and 
get your liting by stealing.' ^ 

The face of the judge reddened, and he immediately said : 

"Turn to the^iiry, sir.** 

Hog and Baoon. 

Lord Bacon as a wit, a lawyer, a judge and philosopher, will 
be remembered through the ages to come, down to the last 
syllable of recorded time. His life with all its accomplish- 
ments is marred with unpleasant scenes. Much humor is 
traced to him as its source. Perhaps the most amusing thing 
occurred in the case .of the criminal Ho^, convicted of $ 
felony, who begged his honor not to pass sentence of deatli 
upon him, because hog and bacon were so near akin to each 
other ; to which he replied : 

"My friend, you and I cannot be kindred unless you be 
hanged, for hog is not baoan until it is hung." And then 
sentence was passed upon him. 

Lawyer's Modest Fee& 

Oebrge Smith, of Norwich, Conn., had failed in business 
and sold out, and having two or three tough little bills, had 
given them to this lawyer for collection. Smith went to the 
office to receive the proceeds. The amount collected was 
about fifty dollars. 

"Fm sorry yoaVe been so unfortunate. Smith, for I take a 



416 WIT ASD' HOliOB. 

great interest in yon. I shan^t charge you so much as I shoold 
if I didn't feel so mucli interest in you.'* 

Here he handed Smith fifteen dollars, and kept the balance. 

*' You see. Smith," continued the lawyer, '' I knew you when 
you were a boy, and I knew your father before you, and I 
take a good deal of interest in you. Good morning ; come 
and see toe again 1 " 

Smith, moving slowly out of the door, and ruefully contem- 
plating the avails, was heard to mutter, 

^^ Thank Gk)d, you didn't know my grandfEither.'* 

The State Is Drunk. 

A few years ago, the State's attorrey of a nortihem county in 
Vermont, although a man of great legal ability, was very fond 
of the bottle. Ou one occasion, an important criminal case 
was called on by the clerk, but the attorney, with owl-like 
gravity, kept his chair. 

"Mr. Attorney, is the State ready to proceed T' said the 
judge. ' 

'•'Yes — hie — no — your honor," stammered the lawyer; 
'^the State is not — in a state to try this case, to^lay ; the 
State, your honor, is — drunk 1 " 

A Fellow Feelins^ on tha Part of a Judtfe 

A gentleman was arraigned before an Arkansas justice on a 
charge of obtaining money under false pi-etenses. He had 
entered a store, pretending to be a customer, but proved to be 
a thief. 

*' Your name is Jim Lickmore," said the justice. 

"Yes, sir.'' 

"And you are charged with a crime that merits a long term- 
in the penitentiary V* 

"Yes, sir." 



LAWYBBB. 417 

^ And you are gwlty of the crime t '* 

"lam." 

"And you ask lor no merqy t " 

"No, sir." 

"Yon have had a great deal of trouble witiiin the last two 
years ? " 

"Yes, sir, I have." 

"You have often wished tliat you were dead I " 

" I have, please your honor. " 

^' You wanted to steal money enough to take you away from 
Arkansaw t " 

*' You are right, judge.** 

" If a man had stepped up and shot you just as you entered 
the store, you would have said, * Thank you sir?'" 

"Yes, sir, I would. But, judge, how did you find out so 
much about me ? " 

" Some time ago," said the )udge, with a solemn air, "I was 
divorced from my wife. Shortly afterward vou married her. 
The result is conclusive. T discliHrgt^ y<^l^ lion*, fjike this 
fifty -dollar bilL iTou have suffered enough.'* 

The Lawyer Ueed 0p. 

Some years ago up m Connecticut, a long, lean Yankee 
dropped into the old Franklin Hotel. The weather was cold, 
and a knot of lawyers were in the baraoom sitting around 
the fire, smoking, drinking and chatting. 

A young sprig spoke to him and said • 

" You look like a traveler." 

" Wall, I 'spose I am ; I come from Wisconsin afoot, 'tany 
rate." 

" From Wisconsin I that is quite a distance to come on one 
pair of legs. I say, did you ever pass throng tne ^ lower re- 
gions ' in your travels ? " 

"Yes, sir," he answered, a kind of wicked look stealing 



418 WIT AND HUMOB. 

over his ugly phizmahoganj, ^'I 'ben through the outskirts.^ 
*'I thought it likely. Well, what ie it like down there f 
«<0h,'' said the Yankee, deliberately, half shutting his 

eyes, and drawing around the comer of his mouth, "you'll 

find it much the. same as in this region — the la/uyyera sit nigh- 

est the fire.^^ 

Would Rather Be an Asa 

A judge and a lawyer were conversing about the doctrine of 
transmigration of the souls of men into animal 

"Now," said the judge, "suppose you and I were turned 
into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be t '^ 

" The ass, to be sure," replied the lawyen 

" Why t " asked the judge. 

" Because I have heard of an ass being a judge, but a hor«e 
never.*' 

Chirran*8 "V^t 

Lord Clare one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the 
bench, and began to caress tlie animal, while Curran was 
addressing the court Of course the latter stopped. 

"Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said his lordship. 

" Oh, I beg ten thousand pardons, my lord," returned the 
advocate ; "I really thought your lordship was employed in 
oonsultation." 

Jo Guild's SpeeolL 

The Nashville Bar Association presented Judge Jo Guilds 
the Nestor of the Nashville bar, with a portrait of himsei£ 
Gen. Bate made the presentation speecb, and Judge Guild 
responded as follows : 

GSNTLBKBN OF THB BaB OF NaSHVILLB AlTD OF THB BaB 

Association : I am like the old Baptist preacher who was 
cmprepared. He opened his mouth and trusted in God to fill 




"Toollflndltmaeh theHuneMlnthlaiegloa— fJUI«D]i»»«0iii 
tk$Jtn.- (BeepitgeUS.) 



410 LiLWTKB8. 

it [Langhter.] It would be a great pleasure to me if^ when 
we look back at the distingaished bar that Tennessee has ever 
been honored with, I could see upon these walls the portraits of 
the lamented Felix Grundy, of Ephraim H. Foster, William L 
Brpwn, Bane Peyton, of Crab, of Biiynes, of John Bell, and 
that great galaxy of talent that has never been excelled at any 
bar in these United States. There never was a revolution, 
there never was a lick struck for liberty, for the cutting down 
of the prerogative of kingly power, the oppression of the 
people, but the members of the bar were leaders in the great 
work. You belong to a noble avocation ; you have the 
example of tiiose great men running down the tide of time to 
emulate, to admire. It was Cicero's great fire that burned on 
the forum and in the Senate at Rome ; it was his fire that 
drove the traitor Cataline from Home, and the infamous 
Claudius ; it was the sacred fire of Demosthenes tliat aroused 
'ithens ; it was the eloquence of Philip that nerved Leonidas 
and his three hundred followers at Thermopyl® for the sal 
vation of their countrj^ ; it was a lawyer, when the Apostles 
became alarmed and dispersed in the garden and deserted die 
blessed Messiah, that stood firm, his heart swelling with indig- 
nation at the treatment of Christ on Calvary amid the iioman 
bayonets, and then took down our Savior, dressed him in linen 
and embalmed him in the sepulchre ; it was the lawyers of 
England that rose up against the tyranny of the Tudors, the 
Stuarts and the Lancasters, and aroused the English to arms ; it 
was Shrewsbury and Lord Bolingbroke who put William and 
Mary on the throne in 1688. Wlien George the Third sought 
to oppress the colonies of America, James Otis rose up and 
made a great speech against the bill of assessments. Old 
John Adams caught the fire of Otis. The ball was set in 
motion in Massachusetts, and brought out the celebrated 
speech of Patrick Henry, the great natural orator, in the Vir- 
ginia House of Burgesses. 



wn AND HUlflOB. 420 

Otis was an ai^mentatiye man, and when he ceased to 
speak his hearers became dissatisfied. He could strike chords 
of the h jart that moved his audience. It was a different kind 
of oratory from that of Henry. Otis was a beautiful, placid 
river, that ran along the lawns, kissing the grasses as its 
waters passed along; but Patrick Henry was one of those 
mountain streams which come rushing, roaring, frothing, thun- 
dering down the mountain — and he just knocked them into a 
cocked hat e-v-e-r-y time. [Loud, prolonged, and convulsive 
laughter.] 

And whenever I hear a man crying out against the profes- 
sion of the lawyer, I regard him as worse than an egg-sucking 
dog. [Renewed laughter.] His mouth ought to be burned with 
hot eggs. [Laughter.] While I don't contend that laT^ers 
are better than other men, yet from their opportunities, from 
the whetting of their intellects, from their constant looking 
into the history of the State, study of human nature, and ruli- 
bing up against men, I say that liberty is indebted to the law- 
yers in every country. Their military fire bums slowly, but 
when the spirit is touched up with lightning, you may expect 
the devil from them. [Laughter.] 

There was Alexander Hamilton, who probably did more 
toward carrying the Constitution into effect than any other man. 
His deeds in the war for independence placed him high in the 
niche of fame. Few, if any, rose higher ; and when he fell, 
it was like the fall of a towering oak' in the silence of the 
woods. It shocked the American heart There was old John 
Adams, too ; he was one of those lightning lawyers. And 
what about old Jackson ? Was not he a lawyer i Old Andy 
Jackson blazed his way with John Overton, MoNany, John 
Howard, and others. They were the founders of the law in 
Tennessee. I maintain that there never was a greater military 
dneftain than Andrew Jackson. The sneecli of* James Otis 
made old John Adams what he was : the 8|»eech of Patrick 



ai LAWTBBS. 

Henry made Jefferson what he was. William Pinckney and 
a host of others of the profession were of the best bred stodi: 
in the United States. [Laughter.] It is Lexington and Aus- 
tralian stock mixed. 

The members of the bar have ever maintained the fame of 
their predecessors. Look what a galaxy we had here in 1320. 
There was old Jenkin Whiteside, Felix Grundy, Andrew 
Hayes, Dickerson, and Ephraim H. Foster — he was a Saul of 
Tarsus. [Laughter.] He was a shoulder higher than any of 
them — as a gallant striding peacock man. [Loud laughter.] 
I always except old Jackson. [Uproarious laughter.] Come 
along down, and I say we haven't depreciated. I say, gentle- 
men, that you can go all over these things and take the lawyers 
rough and tumble — ^now, Fm a rough and tumble man myself 
— [Laughter] — ^from the Justice of a police court to the supreme 
court of Tennessee, and I maintain, there is not a better bar in 
America than the Nashville bar. [Applause.] 

Now, there were three or four speeches made before me 
yesterday. There was Bate, Ned Bax1;er, Williams and 
Allison. I would say that these speeches would knock the tads 
out of any of the bar of these United States. [Loud and pro- 
longed laughter.] Although, Greneral Bate, I charged the law 
against you on one pint, in the other I charged it for you. 
[Uproarious applause and renewed laughter.] I think we are 
about even. [Continued laughter.] 

I have detained you long enough. I return the bar my 
heartfelt thanks, and then I thank the president of the asscNcia* 
tion. I think I have said enough. I can only thank you, 
gentlemen — ^and I will just stop right here. 

The room rang with laughter and shouts of approval as the 
judge concluded his extraordinary speech. 



WIT AND HUVOB. 422 



A Bard WitneBs. 



Prosecntiiig Attorney. ^^ Mr. Parks, state, if yon please, 
whether you have ever known the defendant to follow any 
profession ! *' 

Witness. ^^ He's been a professor ever since I knew him.^ 

"Professor of what?" 

'* A professor of religion." 

"You don^t understand me, Mr. Parks ; what does he dot" 

" GJenerally whatever he pleases." 

"Tell the jury, Mr. Parks, what the defendant follows." 

" Gentlemen of the jury, the defendant follows the crowd 
when they go to drink." 

"This kind of prevarication, Mr. Parks, will not do here. 
Now state what this defendant does to support himself." 

" I saw him last night support himself against a lamp-post" 

"That's all, Mr. Parks." 

Oro8^-€xa/ndned. "Mr. Parks, I understand you to say that 
the defendant is a professor of religion. Does his practice cor- 
respond with his profession ? " 

"I never heard of any correspondence passing between 
them." 

"You said something about his propensity for drinking* 
does he drink hard 2 " 

"No, I think he drinks as easy as any man I ever saw." 

"You can take your seat, Mr. Parks ;" and Mr. Parks took 
his seat with the air of a man who had made a clean breast of 
it, and told all he knew of the subject in hand. 

The Ohineee ITnder the Oode. 

Enter policeman (reads) — " Mr, Quong Long, you are hereby 
notified, in conformity with the provisions of the new Code, 
that you must dose your shop on Sunday under penalty of the 
law." 



42:3 

Qnong Long — ^^ Ooaee, me no eabee ; what you call Oodee.'^ 

Officer (aside)— Faitn, I'll translate it for the haythen Chi- 
eneser." — "Big police, MeUcan man slay you no washee 
Siilonday ; shutle shoppe, go chop chop charchee — IXye an- 
dersthand that, beghori-a ? ^' 

Quong Long — ''Bring him in tomorrow, one dollee dozen.'' 

Officer — "I don't want washin' I warn ye to shut your 
shop tomorrow.'' 

Quong Long (bringing license) — " Big ooppee, five dollee, 
allee Hte." 

Officer (very mad, and shaking a dub)— ^^ Ye'd better mind 
phat I say or I'll run ye in at sunrise meself." 

Quong Long (after consulting his dictionary) — " Me sabee ; 
me Christian ; go Melican Sunda-schooL Put shuttee up allt» 
time Sunda." 

Officer, returning later, finds the following in the window : 

Notis. X • 

Sunda. 

No washee, no oomee. Man must go churchee. "New 
Oodee. Quong Long. 

An Irishman once pleaded guilty, throwing himself on the 
mercy of the court To the surprise of the judge the jury 
gave a verdict of *' 'not guilty. ^^ " What do you mean ? " ex- 
claimed the judge indignantly ; ^^ why the man has confessed 
his guilt " 

*'0h; my lord," exclaimed the foreman, '*you do not know 
that#fellow, but los do. He is the most notorious liar in the 
whole county, and no twelve men who know his character can 
believe a word he says." 

The custom of appointing ^oung lawyers to defend pauper 
criminals received a blow the other day. A well known judge 
had appointed two young lawyers to defend an old experienced 



horse-thief. After inspecting his counsel some time in sUence. 
the prisoner rose in his pl4ce and addressed the bench : 

' ' Air them to defend me ? " 

*' Yes, sir," said the judge. 

^^ Both of them } " asked the prisoner. 

^^ Both of them," responded the judge. 

^^Then I plead guilty," and the poor fellow topk his seat ana 
0]ghed heavily. 

A Kentucky jury brought in the verdict: ^^Not guilty, it 
he^il leave the state ! " 

Our verdict said the foreman of an Arkansas jury is ^^that 
';he prisoner is guilty and must be hanged, and we hope it wil^ 
36 a warning to him." 



DOCTORS' WIT AND HUMOR. 



Fan and Pathos of the Professicm. 

An Irish editor says ne can see no earthly reason whT 
v^omen should not be allowed to become medical men* 



Bow Pat's lilfe Was Saved. 



Ki 



Dr. Terry is a good Doctor," I saJd to Pat one day. 

^^ Ah yis sure, share Doctor Terry is a foine man intirelj, 
Mister Purkins.'' 

"But he's a good Doctoi, isn't he ? ** 

* Well, sur, it's not for the loikes av me for to be givin' an 
opanion on a midical man ; but I can say this much for him ' 
I was wanst at death's dure, an' it was to Dr. Terry, no less, 
that I owe me loife." 

** How was that ? What was the matter you ? " 

"Ye see, sur, I had a complication of diseases, an' two 
other doctors did be workin' on me fur some time, an' I was in 
a moighty bad way, an' the two doctors they give me up an' 
wint away, an' then my friends they sint' for Dr. Teny, but he 
had another engagement, an^ he didnH come I " 

The Doctor liOst Faith in Daniel Webster. 

An Arkansas judge had his law office very close to a certair. 
doctor's — in fact, they were separated only by a plank parti- 
tion w^th a door in it. The judge was at his table, busy wLih 
.^ 425 



WIT ABI) HOliOB. 426 

his bnefs and bills in chancery. The doctor was writing a 
letter, and, pausing at the word economical, called out : 

" Judge, isn't e-q-u-i the way to spell equinomical ? '' 

** Yes, I think it is,"' said the judge, ^^bnt here is Webster^s 
dictionary ; I can soon tell/' 

He opened the book, and, turning over the leaves, repeated 
aloud, ^^equinomical — equinomical.^ 

Finding the proper place, he ran his eye and finger up and 
down the column two or three times, until he was perfectly 
totisfied that the word in question was not there. Closing the 
book with a slam, the judge laid his specs on the table, and^ 
rising slowly, broke forth : 

** Well, sir, I have always been a Daniel Webster man, and 
voted for him for President ; but any man that will write a 
dictionary as big as this, and not put as conmion a word as 
^equi-nomical' in it, oap.'t get my vote for anything hereafter I" 

*^ Halloo, doctor, where are you going I " 
^^Fm called in to see Smith, who^s down with a oold." 
^^Oh, they've called you in, have they} Well, then, Fll 
ttop at the undertaker's and have the ooffin got ready.^ 

The Dootor who Knows it aXL 

Scene : Office of a pompous doctor who knows it all. Enter 
i tired man, who drops into a seat, and says that he wants 
treatment The doctor puts on his eye-glasses, looks at his 
tongue, feels of his pulse, sounds his chest, and then draws up 
to his full hight, and says: ^'Same old story, my friend. 
Men can't live without fresh air. No use. trying it I could 
make myself a corpse, like you are doing by degrees, if I sat 
down in my office and didn't stir. You must have fresh air ; 
you must take long walks, and brace up by staying out doors, 
!4ow, I could make a drug store of you, and you would think 



427 D00JQB8. 

X was a smart man, but my advise to yon is to walk, walk, 
walk." . 

Patient — But doctor — 

Doctor— That's right Argue the question. That's my re- 
ward. Of course you know all about my business. Now, will 
you take my advice ? Take long walks every day, several 
times a day, and get your blood in circulation. 

Patient — L do walk, doctor. I — 

Doctor — Of course you do walk. I know that ; but walk 
more. Walk ten times as much as yon do now. That will 
cure you. 

Patient— But my business — 

Doctor — Of course, your business prevents it Change your 
busine^, so that you will have to walk. more. What is your 
business ? 

Patient — ^I am a letterKUurier. 

Doctor (paralyzed) — ^My fiiend» permit me to oDoe more 
examine your tongue. 

i 

« 

He Bled the FMient 

When my uncle William fell out of a third-story window and 
broke his nose, I called in the doctor and asked him what was 
the matter. 

The doctor looked at his tongue and said he thought he had 
tio^oUero. 

"What did he do then I'' 

"Why, he prescribed bleeding, and bled him out of seveD* 
teen dollars." 

The Old Dootor, 

"When I commencea the practice of medicine," said the 
doctor, " I was very poor. I used to sit in my office day after 
day, waiting for patients. I sat like ^ Patience on a mono* 
ment'" 



} t 



wrr Ajn> huxob. 428 

" How is it now, doctor? ^ 

^*' Well, things are changed. I haven *t Patience on a monu- 
ment any more, but IVe got monuments on all of my patients/' 

A ph3^ician gave a patient a box of pills, with directions to 
'^ take one pill five times a dayJ*^ 



Bob Toomba. Alex. Stephens and Peter. 

Xtt Pr-kint, 

Alex. H. Stephens, the old vice-president of the confederacy, 
used to tell this story how Peter Bennett, an old Georgia farmer, 
beat Bob Toombs and Dr. Royston in a law case; and he used 
to tell it with all the mimicry of Dan Satcbett and the elegance 
of Sam Ward : 

Dr. Royston sued Farmer Bennett for his bill for medical 
services. ^' I told Bennett,'' said Stephens, *^ that he could 
make no defense, that Bob Toombs, a proipising young lawyer, 
was on the other side and he'd surely beat him.'' 

" Never mind," said Bennett, '* I want you to speak to the 



case.'* 



**No, Bennett," I suid, ^Hhere's no use. If there is any 
speaking on this case, youUl have to do the talking.'* 

" Very well, I'll do it, then," said Peter, '' if you'll hold off 
Bob Toombs." 

I told Bennett I'd take care of Toombs, and was utterly sur- 
prised when Peter started oS his speech to the jury: 

'^Gentlemen of tlte jury, I ain't no lawyer and no doctor, 
and you ain't nuther, and if we farmers don't stick together 
these here doctors and lawyers will get the advantage of us. 
I ain*t no objections to lawyers and doctors in their place, and 
some is clever men, but they ain*t farmers, gentlemen of the 
jury. Now this Dr. Royston was a new doctor, and I sent for 
him to come and doctor my wife's sore leg. And he did, and 
put some salve truck on it, and some rags, but it never done a 



429 DOCTORS. 

bit of good, gentlemen of tihe jmy. I don't befieve he's no 
doctor, no way. There's doctors as I know is doctors, sure 
enough, bnt this ain't no doctor at alL" 

The farmer was making headway with the iniy, when Dr, 
Boy ston said, ^^ Here is my diploma." 

^^His diploma," said Bennet, with 'great contempt i ''that 
ain't nothin', for no piece of paper ever made a doctor yet.'* 

^^Ask my patients," yelled the now thoronghly enraged 
physician. 

^^Ask your patients," slowly repeated Bennett, and then 
deliberating ; *' ask your patients ? Why, they are all dead." 
Then he rapidly enumerated case after case, most of them 
among the negro servants and in the neighborhood, of such ol 
the doctor's patients who had succumbed to his pills aad 
powders, and continued: ''Ask your patients I Why, I 
should have to hunt them in the lonely graveyards and rap on 
the silent tomb to get answers from the dead. You know they 
^can't say nothing to this case, for you've killed 'em all." 

Loud was the applause, and Farmer Bennett won his caaa 

Bfow an XrialunaA Ooniflred a Doctor. 

A &vorite story was of a trial at quarter sessions in Mayo, 
which developed some of the ingenious resources of the Irisfab- 
man when he chooses to exercise his talents in an endeavor not 
to pay. A doctor had summoned a man for the sum of one 
guinea, due for attendance on the . man's wife. The medico 
proved his case, and was about to retire triumphant, when the 
defendant humbly begged leave to ask him a few questions. 
Permission was granted, and the following dialogue took place : 

Defendant. ^^Docthor, you remember when I called on 
you?" 

Doctor. '' T do/' 

Def. "What did I say?" 



WIT ASD HUMOB. 480 

Jho. ^^ Yea said jour wife was sick, and jon wished me to 
go and see her." 

Def. "What did yon say r' 

Doe. "I said I would if you'd pay me my fee.** 

Ihf. "Wliatdidlsayf' 

Doe. " Tou said you'd pay the fee, if you knew what it was," 

Def. "What did you say?'' 

Doc. " I said rd take the guinea at first, and maybe more 
in the end, according to the sickness." 

De/i " Now, Docthor, by vartue of your oath, didn't I say 
^ Kill or cure, docthor, FIl give you the guinea ? ' And didn't 
you say * Kill or cure, I'll take it ' ? '' 

Doc. "I did : and I agreed to the bargain, and want the 
guinea accordingly.'' 

Def. " Now, xLocthor, by Tartue of your oath answer this : 
*Did you cure my wiib' ? " 

Doo, "No; she's dead. Tou know that" 

Def. "Then, docthor, by vartue of your oath answer this; 
*I>id you kill my wife'?" 

Doo. " No ; she died of her illness. " 

Def. (To the bench) — "Your worship, see this. You 
heard him tell our bargain. It was to kill or cure. By vartue 
of his oath he done neither, and he axes the fee ! " 

The verdict, however, went against poor Pat, notwithstand* 
ing his ingenuity. 

Bxj>oeinsr a Qoaok. 

David Paul Bimm, 

A quack had instituted suit to recover nis bill for medical 
services rendered. The defence was quackery and worthless- 
ness of the services rendered. The doctor went upon the 
witness stand and was subjected to a rigid cross-examination 
as follows : 

" Did you treat the patient according to the most approved 
rules of surgeiy ? '' 

"By all means — certainly I did" 






431 POCTORS. 

**Did jou decapitate him?" i 

*^ Undoubtedly I did ; that was a matter of course.*' 
*^Did you perform the Csesarean operation upon him?** 
^^ Why, of course ; his condition required it, and it was atp 
tended with very great success *' 

Did you then subject his person to autopsy ? " 
Certainly ; that was the very last remedy I adopted.'' 
** Well, then, doctor,'* said the counsel, *' asyou first cut ofl 
the defendant's head, then dissected him, and he still survives 
it, I have no more to ask ; and if your claim will survive it, 
quackery deserves to be immortaL" 

Barly Bta^ree of Ckmeomptloin. 

^^ When is yer gwine ter Fredericksburg ? " .asked an Austin 
darkey who had learned to read, of one who had not acquired 
the accompllishment. 

^' I am gwine ter-morrow momin* in de early stage. ** 

^^ Don't yer go in the early stage, Julius. I cells yer don't 
risk it" 

" Why not, Pompey t " 

^^ Bekase de early stages am sickly. I read a piece yester- 
day, wamin' folks about consumption in the early stages." 

# « 

* A Western paper, in describing an accident recently, says, 
with much candor: ^^Dr. Jones was called, and under Ids 
prompt and sklllfid treatment the young man died on Wednes- 
day night" 

**Got any medicine? " asked a boy, entdnng a drag score 
the other day down in Arkansas. 

** Yed, lots of it What do you want?" mquued the clerk. 

^^ Oh, it don't make any difference, so that it's something 
lively. Dad is fearful bad." 



wrr AND uuHOB. 43d 

^* What afls him ? " askea the clerk. 

"Dunno," said the boy; "but he's run down orfiil^ He 
just sits around the stove all day and mopes ; he hasn't wal* 
loped mother since Christmas. I guess he's going to die I " 

A negro walked into a cirug store the other day, and said, 
^^Boss, gimme fi' cents wurf ob squills, fi' cents wurf ob oppy< 
cac, and fi' cents wuif ob sody." 

^^You think that'll fetch 'em, do you ? '^ jokingly asked the 
druggist. 

" I dunno, bat fo' de Lawd, boss, dat's forty-fi' cents I done 
gone an' spent on dat nigger wench, on' if she don't get well 
dis time I'll break her back*" 

Dtoaeotlon in a Meat ISarkot 

Batcher. ^^ Oome, John, be lively now ; break the bones 
in Mr. Williamson's chops and pat Mr. Smith's ribs in the 
basket for him." 

John (briskly). ^^ All right, dr ; jost as soon as I hare 
sawed off Mrs. Murphy's leg«" 

A OorioaB Preaoriptlon. 

Dr. Moore, who had long worshipped Miss Jackson at a 
distance, was one day suddenly called to attend her. He 
found her suffering from no particularly dangerous malady, 
but she wanted him to prescribe for her neverdieless ; so he 
took her hand and sidd impressively : 

"Well, I should — prescribe — I should prescribe that-* 
yon — get — married." 

" Oh, goodness I " said the interesting invalid. " who would 
marry me, 1 wonder?" 

"I would,'' snapped the doctor, with all the vorddty or a 
six-foot pickerel. 



BOOTOBS. 

^Toa t ^ exclaimed the maiden. 
"Yes." 

^^ Well, doctor, if that is the fearful altematire, you can go 
away and let me die in peace." 

Bow a Boston Gixl Propoeed. 

ICr. Badd had been courting Miss Flynn, a young ladj fiom 
Boston, who is studying medicine, but lie was a modest man 
and was afraid to propose. He had not even dared to take 
her hand, though Miss Flynn often left it very near him in a 
careless way. 

One evening, while they were sitting together in the parlor, 
Mr. Budd was still thinking how he should Inanage to pro- 
pose. Miss Flynn was explaining certain physiological ^tcte 
for him. 

^' I>o you know,'' began the Boston girL 'Hhat thousands of 
people are actually ignorant that they smell with their clfiu^7 
peduncle ? ^ 

^^ Millions of 'em," replied Mr. Budd. 

^' And Aunt Mary wouldn't believe me when I told her she 
couldn't wink without a sphincter muscle I " 

*' How unreasonable I " 

^^ Why a person cannot kiss without sphincter t " 

"Indeed 1" 

" I know it is so.* 

"May I tiy if lean!" 

" Oh, Mr. Budd, it is too bad for you make li^t of such a 
subject" 

Then he tried it, and while he held her hand she explvned 
to him about the muscles of that portion of the human body. 

" Willie," whispered Miss Flynn very faintly 

" What, darling ? " 

" I can hear your heart beat." 

"It beats only for you, my angeL" 



WIT Ajn> HU1IO&. ' 484 

' ^ And it sounds out of order. The ventricular contraction is 
not uniform/' 

*' Small w<mder for that, when it's bursting for joy." 

" You must put yourself under treatment for it 1 will give 
you some medicine." 

'^It's your own property, darling ; do what you please with 
it" 

Dr. "Phlebotomy." 

Dr. Chapman, of Philadelphia, was a great humorist in his 
time. 

During a summer vacation he made the acquaintance of a 
country doctor — a clever man, in the Yankee sense of that 
word. Having never had a regular medical course of instruc- 
tion, he was quite'unacquainted with the technical terms of his 
profession, and, in fact, was an interloper, with no genuine 
claim to respect as a physician. 

Dr. Jonson, the rural medico, proud of the acquaintance oi 
the great Philadelphia physician, brought a patient to him fo) 
advice, saying that he had exhausted all his medicine and 
skill upon the case, with no effect 

Chapman knew he was a quack, and b^an *■ 

" Have you used depletions f^ 

^^No, sir," said Jonson; ^^I have thought of that, but it 
is not to be had cut here in the country." 

" Perhaps you have tried venesection / " ^ 

^^ I have not ; indeed, it has never been introduced among 
oa here." 

-^Then I would reoonunend phUhtomj/j^^ continued Di. 
Chapman. 

'^ Tlie very thing I was going to give him as soon as I couM 

get some of it from the city. You didn^t happen to bring any. 

with you, doctor, did you, sir? * 

The Philadelphia doctor could hold in no longer. He 
laughed so heartily that Jonson insisted on an explanation 




"Whj didn't 70a dhra« joar gan and ahoot the Bfatalyon Uaggkrt 
throagb the h«nttr" (8«a pags 186.) 



DOOTOBB. 486 

md when he learned that the three suggestions amoimted to 
the same thing, and that was bleeding, he bolted out, draw- 
ing his recovering patient along with him. The story got out 
also; and Jonson went by the name ^^ Phlebotomy'/ to the 
day of his death, which happened a few years ago. 

« 

A Jerseyman was veiy sick and not expected to recover. 
His friends got around the bed, and one of them says : 

'* John, do you feel willing to die I '' 

John made an effort to give his views on the snbjecti and 
answered'wHh a feeble voice : 

*^ I think I'd rather stay where I am better acquainted.'* 

Attacked by PurtlnitlBt. 

This morning I went to my newsdealer to get a budget of 
weekly papers. The stand is kept by an Irishman. Looking 
me in the face and seeing that I looked a little jaded, the old 
man remarked : 

^^ You don't look well this morning, Mr. Perkins, have ye 
been sick ? " 

'*Well,^' said I, looking very amous, **Iwas laid out last 
week by an attack of peritonitis.'' 

'^Attacked byPurtinitist eh," exclaimed the old man, lodkr 
ing a great deal mixed up mentally. Then, after a mom.ent'8 
pause, and in a very Indignant tone; " Purtinitlst ! Why 
didn't yon dhraw your gun and shoot the Eyetalyun blaggard 
through the heart ? ^ 

The Doctor. 

Eli Perking. 

One day I fell from a four-story vnndow onto a picket fence. 
When I asked my doctor if he thought I would die or recoveri 
be looked at my tongue and said he thought — I would. 

**Why?"Iasked. 



ft36 WIT AND HcmoB 

^^Becaaete,^^ said he, ^^on general principles, Mr. Perkina. 
whenever a patient's oesophagus becomes hyper<Bmic throngh 
the inordinate use of spiritus vmi rectijicati causing heptic 
drrhos^, the re\rer8e holds true — in other cases it does not" 

Then he put some water in two tumblers and said : 

" Idiosyncracy, Mr. Perkins, is not superinduced by the 
patient's membranous outer cutade becoming homogenious with 
his transmagnifibandanduality.^ 

Sez 1, '^Doctor, I think so, too.* 

My doctor, Dr. Hammond, is a great doctor. He can cure 
anything. He can euro choior; oi smallpox, or, hams or 
bacon. 

One day I cut my toe off with an axe. When I called in 
Dr. Hammond to prescribe for me he told me to hold out my 
tongue. He said he tliought I had tic dcloro, and then he 
prescribed bleeding, and then he bled me out of seventeen 
dollars. That was the dollar, and when he wanted his pay I 
told him to charge it, and that was the tic, and I still owe it to 
hkn, aild that ie the '' c." 

A doctor went out West to practice his profession. An old 
friend met him on the street one day and asked him how he 
was succeeding in his business. 

" First-rate," he replied. ** Tve had one case'^ 

" Well— and what was tliat * ^ 

*^ It was a birth, '^ said the docter. 

** How did you succeed with that f '' 

^' Well, the old woman died, and the child died, bat I thinl: 
HI save the old man yet ^ ^ 

A OeoMofOB Dootor 

^^ Do you think Tm a fool ? ^ asked a violent fellow, of doo 
tor Elmer, of New York. 
^^ fieally«" replied the doctor, ^^ I would not have ventured 



DOcrroBS. v 437 

the assertioii, but now that yoa ask my opinion I must say that 
I am not prepared to deny it.^^ 

«  

« 

A doctor, attending a wit who was very ilL apologized for 
being late one day, by saying he had to stop to see a man that 
had fallen down a well. 

'^ Did he kick the bucket, doctor? ^' groaned the incorrigible 

wit, * 

  

« 

An Iowa woman gave her husband morphine to cure him of 
chewing tobacco. It cured him, but she is doing her own 
spring plowing. 

A Boy Who Oppoaed Medioal Soienoe. 

Opie P. Sead. 

Dr. Ike was called to see old Ned's son, and after several 
visits the doctor said to the anxious father : 

^^ Ned, I doan wanter distress yer, but dat boy can't git well 
De conglomeration ob de nxembrens hab dun sot in.'' 

"Wall, I reckon dat will kill him,'' Ned replied. " I doan 
see how a chile wid his weak constitution an' convention can 
git ober sech a oneaseness ob de flesh. So you gins him up, 
doctor ? " 

*' Yaas, I issues my decrement right heah. Dat boy can't 
live five hours." 

About two weeks later Ned met the doctor and said : 

''I thought' you gin that boy up t " 

"I did. Ain't he dead yit?" 

" Dead ! " repeated Ned, contemptuously, " why, he's chop- 
pin' wood dis momin'." 

The doctor reflected for a moment and said : 

" Dat's a nice way to fool wid medical science. How does 
yer expock folks to hab contidence in de advancement of 
medical diskiveries when a boy acks dat way 2 Dat boy, sah. 



4S8 Viir AUD HunoQ. 

lifts hisself up to dispute do 'stablislied rules of de school ob 

physicians. I'se done wid him.*' 

^^ Ise glad ob it, sah ; but yo^sef must hab made a mistake.'' 

*'No, I didn't, case I understan's my businefs." 

'• I means dat yer mout hab ler too soon. Ef yer'd stayed 

dar awhile longer yer might hab 'stablished de proof ob yer 

proclamation." 

'^ Look heah, Ned, yer'd better let me go and see dat boy 

agfn." 

'* No, I'se much obleeged to yer. Pse got a heap ob work 

to do an' I need de chile. Gk> off somewhere an' pizen a cat." 

  
 

^'How one thing brings up another," said a lady, absorb^ 

In pleasing retrospection. 

" Yes," replied the practical Dr. Mott, " an emetic, for in 

Btanoe." 

« « 

An Irish doctor lately sent in his bill to a lady as follows; 
" To curing your husband till be died." 






PDLITICilL WIT. 

Jokee ajid Anecdotes of the Oampai^rn* 

Qen. Grant says he heard an old negro praying like this : 
" O Lord, we bless you for sendin' us GinVal Butler. He 

is one of us, O Lord. He may have a white skin, but he's goi 

a black heart '' 

Folitioal Doffa 

\ 

s 

A large Democratic meeting was held in Clermont, Ohio, 
which was attended by a small boy who had four young puppy 
dogs which he offered for sale. Finally one of the crowd, ap- 
proaching the boy, asked : 

'*Are these Democratic pups, my son?^ 

"Yes, sir." 

'* Well then," said he, "TU take these two." 

About a week atlerward, the Republicans held a meeting at 
the same place, and among the crowd was to be seen the same 
chap and his two remaining pups. He tried for hours to 
obtain a purchaser, and finally was approached by a Republican 
and asked : 

"My little lad, what kind of pups are these you have ? " 
' They are Republican pups, sir." 

The Democrat who had purchased the first two, happened 
to be in hearing, and broke out at the boy : 

"See here, you young rascal, didn't you tell me that those 
pups that I. bought of you last week were Democratic pups? " 

^'Y-e-8, sir," said the young dog merchant; "but these 
ain't — thet/^ve got their eyes open ! " 

31 



440 WIT AND HUMOB. 



G^eorfire W. Ourtia' AwftQ Anti-Oliinaz. 

At Hartford, writes Eli Perkins, Mark Twain told me a new 
reminisfencc about the Cbesterfieldian orator, George W. Curtis. 
Everybody who knows Mr. Ourtis knows hiin to be a very 
precise man. George Bayard once told me that Mr. Curtis 
always wears a full dress suit, even in the bath tub. His 
periods are always eloquent, and his aim is always to end his 
speeches in a burst of oratory. 

Well, Mr. Curtis was selected to make the final speech, in 
Hartford, in Lincoln's Presidential campaign in 1861. It was 
the night before the election. The great opera house was 
crowded, and the matchless orator had swayed the enthusiastic 
audience into repeated applause. Finally the time came to 
end the speech, which Mr. Curtis always does with a flowery 
oratorical flight. 

'* And tomorrow, fellow-citizens," he said, *' the American 
people will be called upon to give their verdict, and I believe 
you^ as American freemen, will give that verdict agaifist 
American slavery. [Applause.] Yes, tomorrow we will go to 
the polls with freedom's ballot in our hands, trampling slav- 
ery's shackles under our feet, and while tlie Archangel of 
Liberty looks down approvingly upon us from the throne of 
Omnipotence, we will consign Stephen A. Douglas to the 
pittomless hot ! " 

Sensation — ^then a loud guffaw from the fun-struck audience. 

Oampalgnlng in Elentuoky. 

Campaigning down in Kentucky used to be a strange life. 
Rival speakers used often to resort to the sharpest dodges in 
theii speeches to defeat the opposition candidate. 

In 1882, Gen. Frank L. Woolford, who was elected to Con- 
gress, met his opponent^ Gen. Frye, at Jamestown, in a 



POLrnos. 441 

conjoint discussion. There were S,000 people present, and 
Gen. Frje led off in an hour's speech, ending tlius : 

"Gentlemen: This is the best Government the sun ever 
shone upon, and the freest. Who ever heard of such magna- 
. nimity as was shown by tliis Government to the Confederate 
soldier when the War was ended ? " 

Gen. Woolford arose and said : ^^ Qen. Frye, I would like 
to ask you a question." 

'' Certainly , "^said Prye. 

" Well, what did they do with the great and good soldier, 
Gen. Robert E. Lee, when he surrendered at Appomattox ? " 
Then, without pausing for a reply, he answered his own ques- 
tion : ''I will tell you. They tied his hands behind him, tied 
his feet; put a rope around his neck, and hung him on the spot 
Raise up, Bill Skys, and tell what you know about it. You 
were there." 

Bill arose and said slowly : ^^ Yes, I was thar ; it's so, gen- 
tlemen.'' 

Woolford then proceeded, before granting Gen. Prye time 
to collect himself at the audacity of the witness' dishonesty, 
and said : " What did they do with Jeff Davis ? Why, I will 
tell you. They took him to Fortress Monroe, put him in the 
hull of • a gunboat, and kept, him there until he died from 
rheumatic pains. Raise up, Bill Skys, and tell what you know 
about that ; you were there. " 

Bill arose, and answered : "I was — I was thar. I was one 
of the pall-beakers." 

Then Woolford, as a sort of climax, said : "They would 
have killed me, too, had they not been afraid." Turning to 
Frye, and pulling a six-shooter, he fairly shrieked: '^What 
have you to say to that ? " 

*' Nothing," answered Frye ; '* there is nothing between you 
and I." 



442 WIT AND HUMOB. 



Polltioally DiBcrraced. 

" How did you ever come to run for Congress, anyhow? " 
asked a newly-elected member of Congress of another. 

*'Well, sir, I did it to bring disgrace on an unde of mine • 
up in New York. Tou see he treated me very badly when I 
was a boy, and I took a fearfal vow that I wonld humiliate 
him, and I have done it." 

" What business is your uncle engaged in ? ''^ 

''He is making shoes in Auburn penitentiary." 

« « 
« 

EHPertlM. 

''Father, does John Simons work for a living!" asked 
little Johnny. 

" No, Johnny, Mr. Simpson don't do anything. He belongs 
to the laboring man's party." 

How the Finanoial Question Gomes Up. 

" Well, and how did you enjoy your dinner ^ " asked a pas- 
senger of another on a European steamer, the first day out 

"Don't mention it," said the other, feelingly ; "don't men- 
tion it It's a good deal like the financial question in Congress." 

"How's that?" 

" Why, it's apt to come up at any moment" 

Iffnorant Women. 

A very dirty, debased and ignorant looking man, said Susan 
B. Anthony, came in to vote in a township in Michigan. Said 
one of the ladies, ofi^ering him a ticket : "I wish you would 
oblige us by voting this ticket" 

" What kind of a ticket is that ? " said he. 

"Why," said the lady, "you can see for yourself 

"But I can't read," he answered. 



POLITICS. 443 

" Why, can't you read the ballot you have there in your 
hand, which you are about to Yote?" asked the lady. 

"No,'' said he, ^'I can't read at all." 

"Well," said the lady, "this ballot means that you are 
willing to let the women, as well as the men, vote." 

" Is that it ? " he replied ; ' ' then I don't want it ; the women 
don't know enough to vote." 

« 
This Michigander knew just about as much as the Kew York 

Irishman who held his naturalization paper in his hand. 

" I say, Dinnis," he said, "d'ye see this bit ov paper I have 
here?" 

" I do, Moichael ; rade it for me." 

" Divil a worrud ov it can I rade at all, only I know it's my 
naturalization papers, an' th&t I belong to the party, body an' 
sowl, an' that I^m towld to vote as many times as I kin on 
'lection day^ for our party manes reform." 

How the Candidate Declines. ' 

" Wliy not accept the United States Senatorship yourself. 
Judge ? " inquired a Senator from Houtt county, at the Sen- 
atorial Conventidn. 

"Oh, well — now," stammered the Judge, blushing very 
deeply ; " I — ^well — ^you know — ah — I— I am — ^yes — totally un- 
prepared for that sort of a thing, you know." 

"Of course you are," said the Senator from Boutt county ; 
"but you embody all tlie qualifications demanded and I'm 
going to announce you as a candidate ! '^ 

" No, no, no 1 " cried the Judge, catching the Boutt county 
Senator by the coat tails. "Don't do that, my dear sir, don't 
do that I But ril tell you what you can do. Come this way 
a moment" 

The Judge dragged the Senator into the darkest comer ot 
the lobby. There was a meaningfol glitter in his eyes, his 



444 WIT AND HUMOB. 

bosom lieaved with conflicting emotions and his voice was 
strangely hoarse. He stood up on his toes and whispered in 
the Senator's ear : 

^' Yoa can say I am in the hands of my friends." 

Oallinff for Henry. 

At a recent Republican meeting in Cooper Institute, tlie 
speaker and audience were very much disturbed by a man whr> 
constantly called for Mr. Henry. Whenever a new speaker 
came on, this man bawled out, " Mr. Henry 1 Henry ! Henry ! 
I call for Mr. Henry 1 " 

After several interruptions of this kind at each speech, a 
young man* ascended the platforip, and was soon airing his 
eloquence in magnificent style, striking out powerfnUj in his 
gestures, when the old cry was heard for Mr. Henry. 

Putting his hand to his mouth like a speaking-trumpet, this 
man was bawling out at the top of his voice, *'Mr. Henry ! 
Henry 1 Henry ! I call for Mr. Henry to make a speech ! " 

Tlie chairman now arose, and remarked that it would oblige 
the audience if the gentleman would refrain from any further 
calling for Mr. Henry, as that gentleman was now speaking. 

"Is that Mr. Henry?" said the disturber of the meeting. 
"Thunder I that can't be Mr. Henry I Why, that's the little 
cuss that told me to holler." 

Very PoUtioaL 

They have a "citizens' movement" in Pittsburgh, Pa., and 
it was all going on very smoothly till one man got up in the 
meeting and asked : 

" Ain't I nominated for mayor t " 

" No," said the meeting. 

" Nor for treasurer? " 

"No." 



FOLTnoB. 445 

" Nor for controller r' 
^*No." 

^^ Then blam' me if I don't make it warm for the movement, 
that's all I " 

EOi Perkins in a Politioal SpeeclL 

What will the South give the North if they elect a President 
and become the nation ? 

All we know ia what they 4id give ns when they had the 
power. Last year the Democratic party had the upper and 
lower house. What did they give the great North ? Who did 
they give the chairmanship of the great committee on '"finance" 
to ? Did they give it to the great state of New York ? No, 
they gave it to the little rebel state of Delaware. They gave 
it to Bayard who made a speech for secession. 

Who did they give the next great committeeship to — the 
committeeship of " appropriations " ? Did they give it to the 
great state of Indiana? No, they gave it to the rebel General 
Atkins, of Tennessee. What did they give to the great state 
of Indiana ? What did they give to your splendid Daniel 
Voorhes — the tall Sycamore of the Wabasli ? 

I will tell you, they made him chairman of the committee on 
Seeds — Library and Seeds I (laughter). Now picture to your- 
selves, Indianians, your splendid Daniel Voorhc^, as he goes 
to tKe Agricultural Department. He says., I will have a ])aper 
of hollyhock seeds for Terre Haute. (Laughter.) I will have 
turnip seeds for Evansville (laughter); I will have them! I 
am the King of Seeds. (Loud laughter). 

Oratorioal Interruptions. 

Oratorical interruptions are often very ftinny. An orator, 
Gen. Garfield, was making a war speech in Aslitabula, Ohio, 
in 1864. Gentlemen, he said, *.' We have taken Atlanta, we 
have taken Savannah, Columbus, Charleston* and now at last 



446 WIT AND HUMOB. 

we have captnred Petersburg and occupy Hichoiond ; and 

what remains for us to take ? " 

An Irishman in the crowd shouted, " Let's take a drink 1 " 

The crowd dispersed in various directions. 

* * 

A long winded orator said to his audience : 
*' I am speaking for the benefit of posterity," when some one 
shouted : 

" Yes, and if you don't get through soon, they'll be here 1'* 

Ocurter H. Harrison's Spread-eafirlelsm. 
• 

When Carter Harrison, the Mayor of Chicago, was in the . 
House, he made the following speech on the American Eagle : 

** Think, Mr. Chairman, of the difference between now and 
1776. A common eagle, extending his flight from the extreme 
eastern limits of civilization to its western limit in 1776 would 
have made that flight in one single day. Today the proudest 
monarch, of the forest, lifting himself from the Atlantic and 
looking to the setting sun, ever intent in sailing onward, days, 
ay, weeks, will have passed before he shall be able to cool his 
wearied pinions in the spray of the Pacific ; and yet we are 
afraid of making a centennial precedent of celebrating the 
glorious boo^ handed down to us by 1776. 

Sir, ninety-two years ago, when the first anniversary of the 
Fourth of July was celebrated after, the acknowledgment of 
Independence, when the gun first belched forth upon the eastern 
slopes of Maine at sunrise that th^ day of our national birth had 
come, as in the sun's rapid flight, across the continent gun after 
gun was heard, in less tlian one hour the last gun was heard on 
our western limits, and was echoed by the crack of the red 
man's rifle, and the war whoop of the Indian was the choms 
to the orator's patriotic words. What is it today ? 

When the sun shall rise on the Fourth of July next and 
shall gild the hilltops on the St. John's^ and the boom of the 



roiJTics. 447 

cannon is heard announcing the one hundredth birthday of out 
existence, as the sun shall roil on in his march of a thousand 
miles an hour, and gun after gun shall catch up the detonation 
of the last gun, the national anthem will swell, and, as it goes 
westward until reaching a line stretching from the far north to 
the extreme south of the Gulf of Mexico, one grand peal shall 
be heard, a peal of a thousand guns, rocking the very founda- 
tions of iearth, echoed to the blue vaults of heaven, mingling 
its tones with the songs of the stars as they roll in their 
musical spheres. Ay, sir, that tone, that grand, national 
anthem, rolling over a land teeming with population, rich in 
all that blesses man, will take nearly five hours going from our 
eastern to our western limits ; and, yet we cannot vote three 
and a quarter cents each of the people^s money for a celebration 
of the magnificent boon our forefathers have given us/' 

The Irishman In Politloa. 

" Gaih " (Geo. Alfred Townsend) says he will not vote for a 
party that can't spell and pronounce our Savior's name. 

" How do tliey spell it over at the democratic head- 
quarters ? " asked a friend. 

"They spell it ' Jasus,' sir.** 

The Jasus democrats, in Terre Haute, got into trouble a 
few years ago from a very small cause. The old Indiana 
democrats are not very far-sighted, and they resolved to have 
a barbecue. The committee after long deliberation concluded 
to have it on Friday. 

Upon the announcement of the date, an excited Irishman 
jumped to his feet and exclaimed : 

' ^ Mr. Prisident I I'd have ye to understand, sur, that the 
great heft of the dimmicratic party don't ate mate on Friday." 

The barbecue was eaten on Thursday to aooommodatexthe 
mtyarity. 
d2 



148 wrr and humob. 

Tom Marshall, the Kentucky orator, had this fanny experi- 
ence in an Irish audience. At a political meeting in Buffalo, 
Tom began his speech and had made but little progress, before 
he was assailed with a torreut, of abuse by a big Irishman in 
the crowd. Not at all disconcerted, Tom yelled out at the top 
of his voice : 

•'Be jabbers, that's me fren', Pat Murphy, the man that 
spells Grod with a Uttle ' g ' and Murphy with a big ^ M ! ' " 

This floored Pat, amidst roars of laughter. 

• 

The Ourrenoy Question. 

^' Fat's all this talk about the currency,^ and the flve- 
twenties, and the sivin-^thirties that I hear about, Mike ? " 

" Why bliss your sowl, don't ye know, Pat ? It manes 
that the goverment wants to make the laborin' men woVk from 
five-twinty in the momin' till sivin-thirty in the evenbig." 

'^Och, the spalpeens, may the divil take them.'^ 

mi Perkins on Ctonfirressional Wit. 

The only time Sam Cox was ever squelched, not counting 
the ''shoo fly" of Ben Butler, was when Owen Lovejoy, of 
Illinois, did it in 1862. Mr. Cox had been making a long and 
V5xhaustive speech in the house on tlie tariff. The members 
were all tired. In the middle of the speech the solemn form 
of Mr. Lovejoy arose, got the eye of the speaker and sai<1 : 

'' Mr. Speaker ! " 

"The gentleman from Illinois ! " said the speaker. 

'I arise, Mr. Speaker," said Mr. Lovejoy, " to a question ot 
privilege." 

"Does the gentleman from New York yield the floor?'* 
asked the speaker, addressing Mr. Cox. 

"I will yield for a question of information and notothe^ 
. wise," said Mr. Cox, 



POLrnos. 449 

ff 

^^I do desire to ask a question for information.'' said Mr. 
Lovejoy. * 

*' Very well, Mr. Speaker." said Mr. Cox. "I yield to the 
gentleman from Illinois." 

''The gentleman from Illinois now has the floor," said the 
speaker. 

Mr. Lovejoy now arose slowly and majestically. "Mr. 
Speaker," he said slowly, ''I arise for in-for-raa-tion. I wish to 
ask the gentleman from New York a question." 

Mr. Cox : ** Let him ask it ! " 

**I wish," said Mr. Lovejoy, " to-ask-the-gentleman-from- 
New- York-if-he-hasn't-got-most-through i " loud laughter all over 
the house, when Mr. Cox moved an adjournment 

The LazleBt Man on Barth. 

General Dawson, the old Western Pennsylvanian Congress- 
man, used to tell this story in all his campaign speeches to 
illustrate the laziness of the poor whites down in Virginia : 

On one occasion, the general said, he got across the Penn- 
sylvania line into a little village of Virginia. He wa^ in the 
midst of a group around the tavern. While treating and talk- 
i^S. ^ procession approached, which looked like a ftmeral. He 
asked who was to be buried. 

**Job Dowling," said they. 

" Poor Job ! " sighed the general. '* He was a goodnatured, 
good-for-nothing, lazy fellow, living on the few fish he caught 
and the squirrels he killed, but mostly on the donations of his 
neighbors. " 

*' So, poor Job is dead, is he t " 

''No, he ain't dead *xactly," said they 

" Not dead - - not d — Yet you are going to- bury him ? " 

" Fact is, general, he has got too inTemal all-fired lazy to 
live. We can't afford him any more. He got so lazy that the 
grass began to grow over his shoes — so everlastin' lazy that he 



450 WIT AND UUMOB. 



put out one of his eyes to save the trouble of winkin' when out 
agunnin'." ' 

"But," says the general, ^'this must not be. It will dis- 
grace my neighborhood. Try him a while longer, can't you?*^ 

*' Can't ; too late — coffin cost $1.25. Must go on now." 

About this time the procession came up and halted, when 
the general proposed, if they would let Job out, he would send 
over a bag of com. On this announcement the lid of the coffin 
opened, and Job languidly sat up. The cents dropped from 
his eyes as he asked : 

•* Is the corn sh.elled, general ? " 

"No, riot shelled." 

" Then," said Job, as he lazily lay down, "go on with the 
funeral," ^ 

¥ 

Aristippus the Greek PoUtioiajL 

Aristippus came to Athens from Oyrenean to study with 
Socrates, ^schines says Aristippus studied sophistry to fit 
him to be a politician. It is certain that he todied to the 
Emperor Dionysius and made a good deal of money out of 
him, even though Dionysius often called him his dog. Aristippus 
was so politic that he would never get mad at any indi«;nitv 
heaped upon him by Dionysius. Once the Emperor even spil 
In his face, and when the attendants laughed Aristippus said : 

" O laugh. It pays me to be spit upon." 

" How so ?" asked Plato. 

"Wliy, don't the sea spit salt on you when you catch a 
sturgeon ? " 

"Yes." 

"Well, Dionysius spits pure wine on me while I am catch- 
ing gold fish." 

The logic of Aristippus pleased Plato and Socrates and 
even Dionysius laughed at it when he heard of it. 

Diogenes, who wore old rags and ato cheap vegetables, hated 
Aristippus who dressed finely and ate with the king. One 



',nJ^ J0^-,<^. 




' Then," said Job, "go on with the fnnenl* (Sea pmge 4G0.} 



451 



FOLrnos. 



day when Diogenes was washing potatoes, Aristippus made 
fiin'of hin^. 

^^ If you had learned to live on plain vegetables like potatoes 
and cabbage," said Diogenes, ^^you wonld not have to be 
spit upon and coffed aroond by Dionysius.'' 

"Yes, and if you tramps had learned how to be polite to 
the king you might be drinking wine in the palace instead of 
washing vegetables in the market" — Translated from the 
Greek hy EU Perkins* 

Tom Marshall's Wit. 

One time Gen. Tom Marshall was speaking to a large gath- 
ering in Buj&lo, when some one present, every few moments, 
kept shouting, "Louder! louder I" 

Tom stood this for a while, but at lasl, turning gravely to 
the presiding officer, he said: "Mr. Chairman . At the last 
day, when the angel shall, with his golden trumpet, proclaim 
that time shall be no longer; when the quick and dead shall 
appear before the Mercy Seat to be judged, I doubt not, sir, 
that the solemnity of that solemn and awful scene will be in- 
terrupted by some drunken fool irom Buffalo, shouting, 
" Louder, Lord 1 loudfer 1 " 

« 
" I rise for information, " said a member of a legislative body. 

" I am very glad to hear it,'' said a bystander, " for no man 

n^M&it more." 

Breakhiff Up a Speaksr. 

It's a common joke, writes Eli PerMns from Saratoga, when 
one fellow wants to get another fellow away from a girl, to go 
up and whisper : 

" My friend, I am sorry to tell you, but your coat is sadij 
ripped up the baclr " ''^his of course sends the devoted talker 
up to his room for a change c^ clothing, and leaves the miser 
able joker in possession of the la^ 



WIT AND HDHOB. 4fiS 

Tlie same dodge is often resorted to with pnblic speakers, and 
il will always break the oldest t>iics up. 

'^1 was onoe opening a sj>ei'eh from the stump," said Gen- 
eral Logan, *' and was just beginning to warm with my sub- 
ject, when a remarkable clear and deliberate voice spoke out 
behind me, saying : 

^^Eeckon he wouldn^t talk quite so hifalutin if he knew that 
his trowsers was bust clean out behind " 

''From that moment, said the General, 1 couldn't get on. 
The people in front began to laugli, and there was a loud roar 
behind me, and I dared not reverse my position for fear of 
having a new audience for my condition." 

Tom Marshall, that grand old Kentucky lawyer and feam- 
paigner, once broke up General Peitins with a witty rejoinder : 

General Perkins and Tom Marshall were canvassing the 
State in a hotly-contested election. Tlie general was a roaring 
democrat, and by way of catching the laboring men was fond 
of boasting that his father was a cooper by trade in an obscure 
part of the state. The great failing of the general was his* 
fondness for old whisky, but the more he drank the mbre of a 
Democrat he became, and the prouder of being the son of a 
cooper. Of this fact he had been making the most, when 
Marshall, in replying to his speech, looked at him with great 
contempt, and said : 

" Fellow-dtizens, his father may have been a very good 
cooper— I don't deny that ; but I do say, gentlemen, he put a 
mighty poor head into that whisky barrel 1 " 

He Hated Pennsylvania. 

I was riding in the cars the other day with an old Granger 
who lives just over the Pennsylvania line in Ohio. As we 
rode along, I looked out of the car window and whistled one 
')f my favorite tunes. 

T\\e old Granger got up and came over to me and lemarkedi 



163 POLITIG& 

^^ Ton would be a good whistler, my fiiend, if tbej lUMln*^ 
invented tunes to bother you." 

'^Pm not a whistler^" I said, ^^Fm a lecturer. . My name is 
Perkins ; Pm " 

"Whatl EU Perkins?'' 

"Yes, sir.'' 

" The man who lectures ? " 

** Yes, sir ; I'm going to Marietta now.** 

" Going to marry who ? " 

**I say Pm going to Mari^— etta." 

*' Yes, I heard you say so. Nice girl — rich, I 'spect, too, 
ain't she ? " 

" No, sir \ you don't understand me. Pm going to lecture 
at Marietta. I'm ' ' 

''Then you really do lecture, do you?" oontinaed the 
Granger. 

" Why, of course I do." 

*' Been lecturing much in Ohio J " 
• " Yes — a good many nights." 

'' Well, now, Mr. Perkins," said the Granger, fis he dropped 
his voice to a confidential whisper, '' why don't you lecture 
over in Pennsylvania ? We just hate Pennsylvania^ we do I " 

Official Infbrmatlon. 

When Amos Kendall was Postmaster General, he wrote to 
a postmaster in Georgia asking for some geographical inform« 
ation. This was the Postmaster Generars letter: 

'* Sir : This Department desires to know how far the Tom- 
bigbee River runs up. Respectfully yours," etc. 

By return mail came : '* Sir : The Tombigbee does not nm 
up at all ; it runs down. Very respectfully yours," etc. 

Kendall, not appreciating his subordinate's humor, wrote 
again : 

^^8ir : Tour appointment as postmaster is revoked ; yoo 



WIT AND HUXOB. 454 

will turn over the funds, etc., pertaining to yonr office to your 
SQOcessor." 

Not at all disturbed by. liis summary dismissal, the post- 
master replied : 

" Sir : The revenues of this office for the quarter ending 
September 30th have been 95 cents ; its- expenditures, same 
period, for tallow candles and twine, $1.05. I trust my suo* 
oeesor is instructed to adjust the balance/' 



Disaolviner the Union. 

Lieutenant-Gk>vernor Pord was aadressing a political gather* 
mg before tlie late civil war, and related in his own inimitable 
way the following capital story : 

'^ Dissolve the Union I " said Ford ; " I should like to see 
them attempt to dissolve the Union. Why, this silly cry 
reminds me of an Irishman who went down into a well to clean 
it out. When he was through, he made the signal to be hauled 
op. His companions, who were determined to have a joke at 
his expense, hauled him up about half-way and then stopped. 
There he hung — no way to get up — ^no safe way to get down, 
if that were desirable. He begged and entreated, but it was 
of no use. He stormed and raved, but it did no good. At 
last he sung out : 

^^ ^Haul It out, ye spalpeens, or, by the piper that played 
before Moses, I'll be after cuttin' the rope I ' 

'• Let tliem cut the rope, if they like the plunge," was Ford's 
application of the story. 

Prootor Knott's Dnlath Speeob. 

'(Jntil Proctor Knott made his tamous Duluth speech the 
House had little thought of the rich plenitude of humor in 
store for them. Tlie surprise was enhanced because Mr. Knott 
spoke rareiy. He was not an active, rather a lazy, member-^ 
o-'tensibly so 



kU 



** He used to dug or sleep, in alothAiI shade." 



They took the alligator for a log^ till they sat on hinL Gmdg 
ingly was the floor yielded to him on the Dulath debate. He 
was offered only ten minutes ; whereupon he remarked that 
his facilities for getting time were so poqr that, if he were 
. standing on the brink of perdition, and the sands were crum- 
bling under his feet, he could not in that body get time enough 
to say the Lord's Prayer. The St Croix and Bayfield Boad 
Bill asked for some of the public domain. Mr. Knott dis- 
avowed any more interest in the bill than in an orange-groTe 
on the bleakest summit of Greenland's icy mountains. It was 
thus that he introduced the splendid project : 

'* Years ago, when I first heard that there was, somewhere 
m the vast terra incognita^ somewhere in the bleak regions of 
the great Northwest, a stream of water known to the nomadic 
inhabitants of the neighborhood as the river St Croix, I be- 
came satisfied that the construction of a railroad fi*om that raging 
torrent to some point in the civilized world was essential to the 
happiness and prosperity of the American people, if not abso- 
lutely indispensable to the perpetuity of republican institutions 
on this continent [Great laughter.] I ^elt instinctively that the 
boundless resources of that prolific r^on of sand and pine 
shrubbery would never be fully developed without a railroad 
constructed and equipped at the expense of the government, 
and perhaps not then, pl^aughter.] I had an abiding pre 
centiment that, some day or other, the people of tiiis whole 
country, irrespective of party affiliations, regardless of sectional 
prejudices, and ^ without distinction of race, color, or previous 
condition of servitude,' would rise in their majesty and demand 
an outlet for the enormous agricultural productions of tiiose 
vast and fertile pme-barrens, drained in the rainy season by 
the surging waters of the turbid St Croix." [Great laughter.] 
And now, Mr. President, in the middle of these teeming 
pme barrens at the mouth of the St. Croix, is Duluth — Dulath 
the zenith city of the un^^alted seas fLaughtercl '^Dulath ^ 



WIT ASD BJJMOm. MB 

The word fell upon my ear with peculiar and indescribabli 
charm, like the gentle marmur of a low fountain stealing forth 
in the midst of roses, or the soft, sweet accents of an angel's 
whisper in the bright, jojoos dream of sleeping innocence. 
Dulnth I Twas the name for which my soul had panted for 
years, as the hart panteth for the water-brooks. fBenewed 
laughter.] But where was Duluth ? Never in all my limited 
reading had my vision been gladdened by seeing the celestial 
word in print. [Laughter.] And I felt a profounder humilia- 
tion in my ignorance that its dulcet syllables had never before 
ravished my delighted ear. [Boars of laughter.] I was cer- 
tain the draughtsman of this bill had never heard of it, or 
it would have been designated as one of the termini of this 
road. I asked my friends about it, but they knew nothing 
of it I rushed to the library and examined all the maps I 
could find. [Laughter.] I discovered in one of them a deb- 
cate, haiivlike line, diverging from the Mississippi near a place 
marked Presoott, which I supposed was intended to represent 
the river St Oroix, but I could nowhere find Duluth. 

Nevertheless, I was confident it existed somewhere^ and 
that its discover]; would constitute tlie crowning glory of the 
present century, if not of all modem times. [Laughter] I 
knew it was bound to exist, in the very nature of things ; cha^ 
the symmetiy and perfection of our planetary system would oe 
incomplete without it [renewed laughter]; that the elements of 
material nature would long since have resolved themselves 
back into ori^nal chaos if there had been such a hiatus in 
creation as would have resulted from leaving out Duluth. 
[Boars of laughter.] In fact, sir, I was overwhelmed with the 
conviction that Duluth not only existed somewhere, but that, 
wherever it was, it was a great and glorious place. 1 was 
convinced that the greatest calamity that ever befell the 
benighted nations of the ancient world was in their having 
passed away without a knowledge of the actual existence of 
Duluth ; that their fabled Atlantis, never seen save bf the 



457 pOLxnaB. 

hallowed visioii of inspired poesy, was, in fact, bat another 
name for Duloth ; that the golden orchard of the Hesperides 
was but a poetical synonym for the beer-gardens in the vicinity 
of Dulath. [Great laughter.] I was certain tliat Herodotus 
had died a miserable death because in all his travels and with 
all his geographical research he had never heard of Duluth. 
[Laughter.] I knew that if the immo>*tal spirit of Homer could 
look down from another heaven than that created by his own 
celestial genius upon the long Unes of pilgrims from eveiy 
nation of the earth to the gushing fountain of poesy opened by 
the touch of his magic wand ; if he could be permitted to behold 
the vast assemblage of grand and glorious productions of the 
lyric art called into being by his own inspired strains, he would 
weep tears of bitter anguish that, instead of lavishing all the 
stores of his mighty genius upon the fall of Ilion, it had not 
been his more blessed lot to crystallize in deathless song the 
nsing glories of Doluth* [Great and continued laughter.] Yet, 
sir, had it not been for this map, kindly furnished me by the 
legislature of Minnesota, I might have gone down to my 
obscure and bumble grave in an agony of despair because I 
could nowhere find Duluth. [Renewed laughter.] Had such 
been my melancholy fate, I have no doubt that with the last 
feeble pulsation of my breaking heart, with the fisdnt exhalation 
of my fleeting breath, I should have whispered, ^ Where ib 
Duluth } ' [Boars of laughter.] i 

/^But, thanks to the beneficence of that band of ministering 
angels who have their bright abodes in the fiuvoff capital of 
Minnesota, just as the agony of my anxiety was about to cul- 
minate in the frenzy of despair, this blessed map was placed in 
my hands ; and as I unfolded it a resplendent scene of ineffiible 
glory opened before me, such as I imagine burst upon the en- 
raptured vision of the wandering peri through the opening 
gates of Paradise. fBenewed laughter.] There, there tor the 
first time, my enctumved e^e rested upon the ravishing wwd 

«I>QU]tb> 



WIT AHD HUMQB. 453 

"If geoflemen will examine it, they will find Dulnth not 
only in the centre of the map, but represented in the center of 
a series of concentric circles one hundred miles apart, and 
some of them as much as four thousand miles in diameter, 
embracing alike in their tremendous sweep the fragrant sa- 
yannas of the sunlit South and the eternal solitudes of snow 
that mantle the ice-bound ^orth. [Laughter.] How these 
circles were produced is perhaps one of those primordial mys- 
teries that the most skillful paleologist will never be able to- 
explain. [Bencwed laughter.] But the fact is, sir, Duluth is 
pre-eminently a central place, for I am told by gentlemen who 
have been so reckless of their own personal safety as to venture 
away into those awful regions where Duluth is supposed to be, 
that it is so exactly in the center of the visible universe thai 
the sky comes down at precisely the same distance all aronnc^ 
it " [Hoars of laughter. ] 

"Let us look at the commercial status of Duluth. It is sur- 
rounded by millions of wealthy savages. Droves of buifa'o 
are impatient to contribute to its greatness. I think I see them 
now, a vast herd, with heads down, eyes glaring, ' nostrils 
dilated, tongues out, and tails curled over their backs, tearing 
along toward Duluth, with a thousand Piegans on their grass- 
bellied ponies yelling at their heels 1 Op they come 1 And as 
they sweep past the Creeks, they too join in the chase, and 
away they all go, yelling, bellowing, ripping and tearing along 
amid clouds of dust, until the last buifalo is safely penned in 
the stock-yards of Duluth ! " 

" My relation is simply that of trustee to an express trust 
And shall I ever betray that trust ? Never, sir I Bather per- 
ish Dulnth I Perish the paragon of cities ! Rather let the 
freezing cyclones ot the bleak Northwest bury it forever be- 
neath the eddying sands of the raging St Croix I" [Laughter.] 



» 



459 POLITIOS 



Quaint Speeoheflb 

William M. Evarts sentences are often so long that he is led 
into a blunder. Recently at the New England dinner, in 
Brooklyn, Mr. Evarts said: 

"Ladies and gentlemen! I am glad to be called upon to 
speak on the city of Brooklyn, because you are such a great 
people, such a growing people, and such an advancing people 
— and I come within the bounds of truth when I say that the 
people of Brooklyn are all superior — superior [* To each other,' 
said a gentleman sitting by the orator^s side] — yes, as the 
gentleman remarks, superior to each other.^' [Laughter.] 

This speech was similar to Gen. Nye^s speech in the senate, 
when he said: 

" Mr. Speaker: The generality of mankind in general are 
disposed to exercise oppression on th.e generality of mankind in 
general.^* 

" You'd better stop. General; you are coming out at the same 
hole you went in at,'' said a member, pulling him down by the 
coat tail. 

The Hon. D. J. Mitchell (everybody in Central New York 
remembers Dave Mitchell) once had a little champagne in him 
while making a speech in Rochester: • 

^' Men of Rochester," he said, *^ I am glad to see you; and I 
am glad to see your noble city. Gentlemen, I saw your falls, 
which, I am told, are one hundred and fifty feet high; that is a 
very interesting fact. G^entlemen, Rome* had her Caesar, her 
Scipio, her Brutus, bClt Rome in her proudest days had never a 
waterfall a hundred and fifty feet high! Gentlemen, Greece 
had her Pericles, her Demosthenes and her Socrates; but 
Greece, in her palmiest days, never had a waterfall a hundred 
and fifty feet high. Men of Rochester, go on! No people ever 
lost their liberty who had a waterfall a hundred and fifty feet 
high! 



11 



Wrr AHD HUMOB. ^60 

On another occasion he finished up with : 

''Gtentlemen, there's tlie national debt — it should be paid ; 
yes, gentlemen, it should be paid. Ill pay it myself. How 
much is it ? " 

After several laws, had been repealed in the 39th Congress, 
John Potter arose and said : ^^ Mr. Speaker : Can there be 
anything brought into this House that will not be repealed 
sooner or later i " 

^' Fes, a skinned orange," interrupted the Hon Wm. E 
Lansing 



TEMPERANCE ilNECDDTES. 

reoaperanoe Leotarers' W^lt, Humor, Wisdom, and PathOfti 

John Jones' Monument. 

John Jones began at the age of fifteen to build a monument 
and finished it at fifty. He worked night and day, often all 
night long, and on the Sabbath. He seemed to be in a great 
huiTj to get it done. He spent all the money he earned upon 
it — some say $50,000. Then he borrowed all he could ; and 
when no one would loan him any more he would take his 
wife's dresses and the bed-clothes and many other valuable 
thiugs in his home, and sell them to get more money to finish 
that monument 

They say he came home one day and was about to take the 
blankets tliat lay over his sleeping baby to keep it warm, and 
his wife tried to stop him ; but he drew back his fist and 
knocked her down, and then went away with the blankets and 
never brought fhem back, and the poor baby sickened and 
died from the exposure. At last there was not anything left in 
the house. The poor, heart-broken wife soon followed the 
baby to the grave. Yet John Jones kept working all the more 
at the monument. I saw him when he was about fifty years 
old. The monument was nearly done ; but he had worked so 
hard at it that I harjlly knew him, be was so worn ; his clothes 
were all in tatters, and his hands and face, indeed, his whole 
body, were covered with scars which he got in laying up some 
of the stones. And the wretched man had been so little, all this 
while that he was building, in good society that he had about 
forgotten how to use the English language ; his tongue had 



Wtr ASD HUKOB. M2 

* 

eomehow become very thick, and when he tried to speak out 
would come an oath. 

That may seem strange, but I have found out that all who 
build such monuments as John's prefer oaths to any other 
word ! 

Now, come with me, and I will show you John's monument. 
It stands in a beautiiul part of the city where five streets meet 
Most men put such tilings in a cemetery. But Jolm had his 
own way and put it on one of the finest lots to be found. 

^'Does it look like Bunker Hill monument?" asks little 
Ainy Arlott by my side. 

Not at all. John didn want to be remembered that way. 
He might have taken that $50,000 and built an asylum for 
poor little children that have no home, and people would have 
called the asylum his monument. 

But here we are at the front door. It is a grand house ! 
It is high and large, with great halls and towers, and velvet 
carpets, elegant mirrors and a piano, and I know not what all ; 
so rich and grand. 

This is John Jones' monument ! and die man who sold 
John nearly all the whisky lie drank lives here with his fanuly, 
and they all dress in the richest and finest clothes. 

Do you understand it ? — Hev. C. M. LivvngHton. 

How a Drunkard Sees Thlnirs. 

^^8am, did — did (hie) you see anything of my wife!" 

" I have not the honor of knowing your wife, sir." 

** Don't apologize, Sam, don't apo-apo — (hie) — logize. It 

— it's no honor whatever. Didn't see her ? " 
''I did not." 
" How yer know yer didn't ? She — she's as tall as a (hie) 

meettn'-house, and broad as a lamp-post, a-and she wears a 

gingham umbereller and one eye out, and (hie) her nose was 

done up in a pair of specs. Didn't see her t" 



*^»^ . TBMPBRANCB AMBODOTBS. 

" No, sir I " (emphatically). 

^^ That's all right, Sam, that's all right. M-m-merely asked 
t^r frinfanmashion. She (hie) she .said she was goin' to join a 
soryory-sis, and if she does 1 mean to get stavin'-blind drank. 
WouldnH youf^'* 

Sam said tlie man did get drunk after that, for at three 
o'clock in the morning he found him sitting with his feet in 
tlie muddy gutter, and when he asked him what he was doing, 
he said : 

" Jes-si told you, Sam, Pve got blind drunk (hie). My 
wife says so (hie). Tve tried twice to get in at the front door 
(liic), and she's put me out both times (hie), and my self- 
respect won't allow me to try it again (hie). So I'm waiting 
till she's quieted down a little (liie), and then I think I can 
crawl through the cellar window (hie)." 

The Safest Way. 

" You never signed the pledge, did you Uncle John? " 

Uncle John was Harry's ideal of a great and noble man. 
And it was not a mistaken ideal. Uncle John's hair was white 
with the passing of over eighty winters, but his eye was bright, 
his step firm, and his voice earnest and kindly as ever. His 
life had been one of uprightness as well as one of what the 
world calls success. 

'' I never signed a pledge on my own account ; I presume I 
have signed several as an example or aid to others," replied 
Uncle John. 

"Ca8[)er Firrastone is all the time teasing me to si^," said 
Harry ; ''but I kriow I can drink a gill of eider and not "koani 
any more, or let it alone \H do want it. And I can take one 
sip of the bftst wine Mr. Fraser has and not take tlie second. 
So I don't see any use in hampering a fellow with a piece of 
paper." 

*' Don't be too sure about what you can do, Harry. Pve 



WIT AHD HUMOB. 464 

seen a good many ^snre' people in my life, as weD 48 a good 
many ' cautious ' people, and I've always noticed in the long 
ran that the cautious people were the safest I'll tell vcq 
where I first learned that lesson, if you'd like to know/' 

^^I should," said Harry, always ready at the first hint of a 
story. 

^^ When I was a boy, a good deal smaller than you, I lived 
in a small town in Vermont. . There was a large creek by the 
village, and at a place called ^ The Mills ' there was a beau* 
tifid ftdl of water, of ten or twelve feet, pitching off from an 
even-edged, flat rock. Beaching quite across the creek, a dis* 
tance of twenty feet over this fall of water, was a bridge span* 
ning the stream. 

^^The sides of this bridge were boarded up some four feel 
high. These side-pieces were capped by a flat railing of boards 
of from four to six inches wide. Some of the more daring 
school children used to walk on this narrow capping-board 
when crossing the bridge, and more than one fall and serious 
injury happened there. 

^^ There was one thing that saved me from getting hurt or 
killed by the dangerous crossing. You would like to know 
what it was ? The easiest thing in the world. It happened 
from the small drcumstan^e that I never had either the 
courage or disposition to walk there at all I In othei words, I 
wasn't ^sure' of my head, and I vjos sure on the broad, open 
bridge. 

^^ I can think of a great many places that boys and men try 
to pass safely which are quite as dangerous, and where multi- 
tudes fall and ruin themselves, and perhaps perish, both soul 
and body, forever. The safest way is never to take the first 
step on a dcmgeroua jpaik.^ 



M6 Wfr AND BXSWUL 



God's liiqiior. 

Paul Denton, a Methodist preacher in Texas, advertised a 
barbecue, promising better liquor than was usually famished. 
When the people had assembled, a desperado ia the crowd 
walked up to him, and cried oat : 

"Mr. Denton, you have lied. You promised not only a 
good barbecue, but better liquor. Whereas the Uquorf'*'* 

" There ! " answered the preacher, in tones of thunder, and 
pointing his finger at a spring gushing up close by with a 
sound like a murmur of joy, from the bosom of the earth. 

There I in that cool, bubbling spring — tJiere is the liquor 
which God, the Eternal, brews for all His children. Not in 
the simmering still, over smol^ fires, choked with poisonous 
gases, surrounded with the stench of sickening odors and cor- 
ruptions, doth your Father in heaven prepare the precious 
essence of life — pure cold water ; but in the green glade and 
gi'assy dell, where the red deer wanders, and the child loves to 
play, there God brews it ; and down^ low down in the deepest 
valleys, where the fountain murmurs and the rills sing; and 
high upon the mountain-tops, where the naked granite glitters 
like gold in the sun, where the storm-cloud broods and the 
thunder-storms crash ; and far out On the wide, wild sea, where 
the hurricane howls music, and the big wave rolls the chorus, 
sweeping the march of God — there He brews it, that beverage 
of life — health-giving water. 

And everywhere it is a thing of life and Scanty — gleaming 
in the dew-drop ; singing in the summer rain ; shining in the 
ice-gem, till tlie trees all seem turned to living jewels ; spread- 
ing a golden vail over the setting sun, or a white gauze around 
the midnight moon ; sporting in the glacier ; folding its bright 
snow-curtain softly about the wintery world ; and weaving the 
many-colored bow, that seraph's zone of the siren — whose warp 
is tbe rain-drops of earth, whose woof is the sunbeam of 



hekpebanoe aneodotbs. 467 

heaven, all checked over with celestial flowers, by the mystic 
hand of refraction. 

Still aikoaya it is beantiftil — that blessed life-water I No poi- 
sonous bubbles are on its brink ; its foam brings not madness 
and murder; no blood stains its liquid glass : pale widows and 
starving orphans weep not burning tears in its depths ; no 
drunkard's shrinking gliost, from the grave, curses it in the 
worlds of eternal despair 1 Speak out, my friends ; would you 
exchange it for the denuyrCs drink, Alcohol I 

Qrlswold Qrows Moquent 

Behold the child of the drunkard, sheltered by the wonderful 
patience and self-sacrifice of a drunkard^s wife, grown into 
boyhood or girlhood, and witness the actions of that child 
when a drunken man reels into sight ; it should make a heart 
'of stone ache to behold the distress and terror pictured on the 
face of one wholly innocent of any share in this wrong — save 
that of suffering. Children in our schools have been known to 
hide themselves from sight when a gibbering sot passed the 
schoolhouse,' and was hooted and scoffed at by thoughtless 
boys. Is it those who do their best to prevent the evils of 
drunkenness tliat are to answer for these things % 

We have known dealers not addicted to drink. We have 
known others who would kindly but firmly refuse to partake 
even with their customers. In fact, very many dealers know 
too well the lesson taught by tippling, and save themselves by 
abstaining. This may be manliness in the estimation of some, 
but how would you picture a devilish act 1 Should you rule 
out of view the evil one, offering to a victim that which he 
knows will destroy him, and which he will have none of for 
himself! 

We have known a dealer in liquor whose father sold whisky 

before him, and whose brothers and sisters went evil ways to 

their untimely graves, say, in all earnestness and truth, in 
8 



468 Wir AXD HUHOB. 

answer to the question, Where can I get some good whisky! 
^^ I have sold whisky since I was old enough, at wholesale and 
retail, and I am not jet sunk so low as to say to any man there 
is any ffood whisky. Tliere is none. 'Twas never made good 
enough for man to drink as a bcTerage/' 

We have known an employer who has made use of the ser- 
vices of numbers of the most brilliant of the local writers of 
the past decade say, "No man ever took a drink of whisky 
that it did not In a degree impair his mind and aid in degrad- 
ing his talents and in destroying his usefulness. '' He spoke 
not as an advocate of temperance, but simply as a business 
man, regarding the commodity (brains) which was of use to 
him in his business. Such testimony can not be swept aside 
by the howl of a '^ fanatic." 

Tliis subject is exhaustless. "^e have no space to give it a 
hearing, but return again to our query : 

Why is it that those who desire the good of the masses are* 
all on one side of this question ? Why is it that only those 
who worship ''self and money " are upon the other side i Let 
each man ask himself these questions, and let him answer 
himself from his inner consciousness, and then act according 
to the God-given light Then the wail of the drunkard^s wife, 
children, pareiits and friends, will be a thing of the past 

Temperance In the Family. 

EUPerkkit. 

My Uncle Consider is a temperate man. One day he came 
to me and said he, ^'Eli if you drink wine, you will walk in 
win— ding ways : — ^if you carry too much beer, the bier will 
soon carry you ; — if you drink brandy punches you'll get 
handy ])unche8, and if you always get the best of whisky, whisky 
will always ^et the best of you.'^ (Applause). 

But my Uncle William was not temperate like my Unde 
Consider. 

Far different ! 



TKMPWRANOB ANB0D0TB8. 469 

He used to drink every once or twice in a while with people 
who invited him, and then he used to slide out and drink be- 
tween drinks by himself. He used to drink with impunity — 
or with any body else who invited him. (Laughter). 

But just before Uncle William died he made up his mind 
that he would reform, and he did reform — >in the only way 
he could reform. Tl>at is he gave up the use of — water 
entirely. (Laughter.) He said he was afraid to use it When 
they told him how much damage water had done — how it had 
engulfed ships, smashed lighthouses and drowned the whole 
human family in the deluge, he. said he really was afraid to 
take any water in his. (Laughter). 

One day when I expostulated with Uncle William about 
drinking so, how do you think he got out of it \ ''Perhaps I 
ought not to drink so," he said, " but dou't we read the parable 
in the Bible about turning water into wine ! Now that's all I 
do. I just turn water into my wine — and I don't tun* much 
water in either." (Loud laughter). 

My Uncle William used to do a great many queer strange 
things when he'd been drinking too much whiskey in his water. 
One day when h'd been drinking too much he insisted, against 
his wife's wishes — agaiilot his wife's advice — (O gentlemen 
you should never go against your wives' advice. Our wivos 
know more than we — they know more than we — and the; 
are willing to admit it I) (loud laughter). As I was saying 
one day when Uncle William had been drinking too much, he 
insisted against his wife's advice in smoking on a load of hay — 
coming home shortly afterwards without any eye-brows or 
whiskers and the iron of his wagon in a gunny bag. (Loud 
laughter). 

Why, drinking mad'^ Uncle William so absent minded that, 
one night he came hon le from the lodge, got up and wjished 
the face of the clock, ind then got down and wound up the 
baby (laughter), and e^t it forward fifteen* minutes. (Loud 
(aughter). 



470 * wrr and huhob. 



tDgerscXL on Rum. 

« I am aware lliere is a prejudice against any man engaged 
in the liquor business. I believe from the time it issues from 
the coiled and poisonous worm in the distillery, until it empties 
into the hell of death, dishonor and crime ; that alcohol is 
demqralizing to everybody that touches it, from its source to 
where it ends. I do not believe anybody can contemplate the 
subject without being prejudiced against the crime. All we 
have to do is to think of the wrecks on either side of the stream 
of death, of the suicides, of the insanity, of the poverty, pau- 
perism and destruction coming from alcohol ; of the little 
childreh tugging at the breasts of weeping, despairing, starving 
mothers begging for bread ; of the men of genius it has 
wrecked ; of the men struggling with imaginary serpents pro- 
duced by this devilish thing ; and when we think of the jails 
and almshouses, of the asylums, of the prisons, and of the 
scaffolds on either bank, I do not wonder that every thoughtfiil 
man is prejudiced against the vile stuff* called alcohol. 

" Intemperance cuts down youth in its vigor, manhood in 
its strength, and age in its weakness. ' It breaks the father's 
heart, bereaves the doting mother, extinguishes natural affec- 
tion, destroys conjugal love, blots out filial attachments, blights 
paternal hope, and brings premature age in sorrow and 
dishonor to the grave. It produces weakness, not strength, 
sickness, not health ; death, not life. It makes wives widows, 
children orphans, fathers fiends, and all paupers. It feeds 
rheumatism, nurses gout, welcomes epidemics, invites cholera, 
imports pestilence, engenders consumption, and covers the 
land with idleness, misery and crime. It produces controve^ 
sies, fosters quarrels, cherishes riots. It crowds our peniten- 
tiaries and furnishes victims for the scaffold. 

"Alcohol is the blood of the gambler, the inspiration of the 
bmglar, the stimulus of the highwayman, and the support of 
the midnight incendiary. It suggests the lie and oonntex^ancet 



TBMFBSANOB ANEODOT£fl. 471 

the liar, condones the thief, esteems the blasphemer. It 
violates obligations, reverences fraad, turns love to hate, scorns 
virtue and innocence. It incites the father to butcher his 
helpless offsprings and the child to sharpen the parricidal ax. 
"Alcohol bums up men, consumes women, destroys life, 
curses God, and despises heaven. It suborns witnesses, nurses 
perfidy, defiles the jury-box and stains the judicial ermine. 
It bribes voters, disqualifies votes, corrupts elections, pollutes 
our institutions and endangers the government It degrades 
the citizen, debases the legislator, dishonors the statesman, 
and disarms the patriot. It brings shame, not honor ; terror, 
not safety ; despair, not hope ; misery, not happiness ; and with 
the malevolence of a fiend calmly surveys its frightful desola* 
tion, and reveling in havoc, it poisons felicity, destroys peace, 
ruins morals, wipes out national honor, curses the world, and 
laughs at the ruin it has wrought It does that, and more — 
it murders the soul. It is the sum of all villainies, the father 
of all crimes, the mother of all abominations, the devil's best 
friend, and God's worst enemy. " 

Talmage on Temperanoo. 

A man laughed at my father for his scrupulous temperance 
principles, and said : " I am more liberal j^an you. I always 
give my children the sugar in the glass after we have been 
taking a drink." 

If you want to know what rum does, let me sketch two houses 
in this street Tlie first is bright as home can be. The father 
comes home at niglitfall and the children run out to meet him. 
Luxuriant evening meal, gratulation, and sympathy, and laugh- 
ter. Music in the parlor, fine pictures on the wall. Costly 
books on the stand. Well-clad household. Plenty of every* 
thing to make home happy. 

House the second: Piano sold yesterday oy the sherifl. 



^73 WIT AND HUMOK. 

Wife^s furs at the pawnbroker's shop. Clock gone. Daughter's 
jewelry sold to get flour. Oarpets gone off the floor. Daugh- 
tera in faded and patched dresses. * Wife sewing for tlie stores- 
Little cliild with an ugly wound on her face, struck in an an- 
gry blow. Deep shadow of wretchedness falling in every 
room. Door-bell rings. Little children hide. Daughters 
turn pale. Wife holds her breath. Blundering step in the 
hall. Door opens. Fiend, brandishing his fist, cries, '' Out ! 
out 1 What are you doing here ? " 

Did I call this house the second ? No ; it is the same house. 
Bum transformed it. Rum embruted the man. Rum sold 
the shawl. Rum tore up the carpets. Rum shook its fist. 
Rum desolated the hearth. Rirni changed that paradise into 
a hell. 

I sketch two men that you know very well. The first grad- 
uated from one of our literary institutions. His father, mother, 
brothei's and sisters were present to see him graduate. They 
heard the applauding thunders that greeted bis speech. They 
saw the bouquets tossed to his feet. They saw the degree con- 
ferred and the diploma given. He never looked so well. 
Everybody said, ''What a noble browl What a fine eye? 
What graceful manners \ What brilliant prospects ! " All the 
world opens before him, and cries, '' Hurrah, hurrah ! " 

Man the second : Lies in the station-house to-night. The 
doctor has just been sent for to bind up the gashes received in 
a fight. His hair is matted and makes him look like a wild 
beast. His lip is bloody and cut 

Who is this battered and bruised wretch that was picked up 
by the police, and carried in drunk, and foul, and bleeding? 

Did I call him the second ? He is man tlie^r*^.' Rum trans- 
fonned him. Ram destroyed his prospects. Rum disap- 
pointed parental exj)ectation. Rum withered those garlands 
of commencement dav. Rum cut his lio. Rum dashed out 
his manhpod. Rum, accursed RUM I 



TEMPBRAlfCE ANBCD0TB8. 478 

The Money "Weusted in Drink. 

EHPerkina, 

"Britons" said President Gotten, ''spend annually £140, 
000,000 or $700,000,000 in drink, an average of $19 for each 
Englishman." 

Germany has 11,800 breweries which turn out 846,000,000 
gallons of beer. 

America spends $900,000,000 annually for rum and tobacco. 
The money wasted in drink in England, Germany and America 
would buy all the bread and meat eaten by the three nations. 
This awful burden compels twice the amount of labor in the 
world. This drink burden makes two-thirds of our sickness 
and three-fourths of our crime. 

" Yes, but you don't have to bear this burden if you don't 
drink," says the drunkard. 

You are wrong, my friend ; I paid $425 taxes on my New 
York house last year. What was this tax used for ? It was 
to govern a city where three-fourths of the arrests were made 
on account of drunkenness. I can govern myself, but I have 
to pay $426 a year to be protected from the criminal classes, 
made criminals through rum. 

John B. GK>ufirh's Burst Bubble liscture. 

Ladies and Gektlumed : Let me ask you to look with me, 
for a few moments, at the position of a man who is the slave 
of a bad habit 

Tliere he stands, a poor, desolate, forlorn creature, trem- 
bling, yet defiant — a Pariah of society — an Ishmaelite, whose 
hand is against every man, and every man's hand is against 
liim. 

The Pharisees of the world gather up the skirts of their self- 
righteous propriety, as they sweep superciliously by ; the Sad- 
ducees stare coldly and contemptuously into his face ; the 
Levites stop short at sight of him, cross the street and pass by 



474 wrr Am) humob. 

on the other side ; even the compassionate Samaritan has no 
^ eye of pity to glance on him, no hand of succor to extend. 

There he stands, repelling and repelled — his shivering form 
wrapped in the shroud of his evil habit ! 

" 'Tis his own fault 1 " cries the world. " He has brought 
the ruin on himself! Let him die !'^ 

God's face hidden — ^no mercy from man — ^there he stands 
alone in the world — alone 1 And as he shivers and cowers at 
the street comer, let us bring before him a vision : — 

Here, before me, stands a bright, fair-haired, beautiful boy, 
with tlie rosy cheek, and curling lock, and ruby lip, and round 
limb-^the type, the picture of human health and beauty. That 
is Youth — that is his jxist. 

Another figure shall stand before him ; the youth grown to 
She man, intellect flashing from his eye, his brow speaking of 
intellectual strength, as he claims for himself an influence over 
the hearts and feelings of his fellow-men. There he stands — a 
glorious being I What is that ? That was his ideal. 

Then gropes in a wretched thing, fetters on his limbs, his 
brow seamed, sensuality seated on his swollen lip, the image 
of God marred. What is that ? That is his present/ 

Ke shall see yet another vision : It is a wretched, emaciated 
creature ; you see his heart is all on fire, the worm that never 
dies has begun its fearful gnawings. What is that ! That — 
God help him — that is his futmre! 

And yet, fearful as are the ravages of his fell destroyer — 
terrible as is the penalty his evil habit exacts — ^blighting, blast- 
ing, scorching, scathing, withering, wasting as it is, to every- 
thing bright and noble within him — still it has not destroyed 
all ! One sense remains, burning brightly and fiercely among 
the ruirs. And oh, how he wishes it, too, could be numbed 
and deadened like the rest ! But no ; his consciousness still 
lives, and like a remorseless foe it clutches him in its grasp and 
rends him again I 

The curse to the man who is going down step by step 



TEMFBRAKOB ANEODOTSa 475 

is the conscionsness of what zsj and the remembrance of 
what toas ! 

Oh ! the memory of the past 1 

All the bright dreams of his imagination are before him, 
yonder, separated from him by a continent of grief and disaph 
pointment, pain of body, and fever of spirit Distant, clear, 
but cold is the moon, that shines on his waking agony, or on 
bis desperate repose ! 

What has the man been doing who all his lifetime has been 
the slave to evil habit? He has spent his life and fortune- 
sold his birthright ! And what has he obtained ? nothing, bu( 
the mere excitement of chasing after that which is not reality. 

Talk about enjoyment in these pursuits I There is none ! It 
is a mere sensation — fleeting and imaginary. No man ever 
received satisfaction enough in wicked pursuits to say, ^^Ah! 
now I am happy." It has gone from him — gone ! 

All the enjoyments that can be obtained in this world, apart 
from the enjoyments God has sanctioned, lead to destruction. 

It is as if a man should start in a chase after a bubble, 
attracted by its bright and gorgeous hues. 

It leads him, at first, through vineyards, under trellised vines, 
with grapes hanging in all their purpled glory ; it leads him by 
sparkling fountains, with delicious music and the singing of 
birds ; it leads him through orchards hanging thick with golden 
fruit He laughs and dances I It is a merry chase ! 

By-and-by that excitement becomes intense — that intensity 
becomes a passion — ^that passion a disease I 

Now his eye is fixed upon the bubble with fretful earnestness ; 
now he leaps with desperation and disappointment. 

Now it leads him away from all that is bright and beautiful — 
from all the tender, clustering, hallowed associations of bygone 
days — up the steep, hot sides of a fearful volcano ! 

Now there is pain and anguish in the chase. He leaps and 
fells, and rises bruised, scorched and blistered ; but the excite- 
mefit, the power of habit, has the mastery over him ; he forgets 

84 



476 WIT AND HUMOB. 

all that is past, and in his terrible chase he leaps again — ^it is 
gone! 

He carses, and bites his lips in agony, and shrieks almost 
the wild shriek of despair. Yet still he pursues the phantom 
that lures him on to destruction, and leaps again. — It is gone ! 

Knee-deep in the hot ashes, he staggers up with limbs torn 
and bruised, the last semblance of humanity scorched out of 
him. Still he struggles on, and leaps again. — ^It is gone! 
Again — it is gone ! 

Yet there is his prize. Glittering mockingly before him, 
there it is — he will have it ! 

The hot breath of the volcano is on his brow — ^its flame 
gleams in his eyes — his foot is on the crater's edge 1 Yet there 
it is — ^that horrible fascination — ^floating over him — he will 
have it ! 

With one last desperate effort, he makes a sudden spring 
Aha 1 he has got it now — ^j^es 1 — but he has leapt into the fierj* 
chasm, and with a Imnst hobble in his hand, he goes before his 
God and Maker ! 

Every man possesses an evil habit who follows and is fasci- 
nated by an enjoyment God has not sanctioned. Heaven pity 
such a man ! He barters away jewels worth all the kingdoms 
of this V7(>rld, and gains for them — a hwrst hvbble! 

Ay, and when on that great day, for which all other days 
were made, his awful Judge — amid the final crash of doom — 
shall ask him, "What hast thou done that thou may'st inherit 
eternal life ? " all he can show will be — the Bubst Bubble ! 



Ck>mzDiOdore RoUnpin's Bzperienoe. 

Mv wife never saw me drunk but once, and it affected 
her so I could not have the heart to repeat it. 

I will never forget that evening. I was pretty tight ifhen I 
got home ; but in less than fifteen minutes I was perfectly 
sober. 



TB3CFBBAN0S AJ^CDOTBS. 477 

8he had been sweeping, and was sitting in the fix»nt room 
with a broom in her hand. 

As I entered the house, she smelled mybreato, and it threw 
her into hysterics. 

The broom began playing about, and she commenced dan- 
cing. 

I endeavored to quiet her nerves, but it was no use. She 
was too badly frightened, and I started to leave, but somehow 
or other the broomstick came in contact with my head, and 
broke it — the broomstick — in two. 

It was a new instrument that, I had made her a present of 
the day we went to housekeeping, and I felt so sorry for her 
that I fell down, on the floor unconscious. 

When I came to, the neighbors had me stretched out on a 
sofa and were bathing my head with cold water. 

My eyes were both black — they are paturally gray — and 
terribly swollen. 

The accident to the broom came near proving fatal with me. 

But I got well, and never said anything to her about it. I 
was so sorry for her I could not. But I have been very care- 
ful since not to frighten her. 

I never travel for health, but have made some voyages for 
the purpose of enjoying sprees. 

They are not healthy in our house. 

• 

Delirium Tremens. 

A drunken man came out of John Morrissey's club-house in 
Saratoga, and leaning up against a lamp-post commenced to 
vomit. Bracing himself up, he opened his eyes and was horror- 
stricken at the sight tliat met his swimming gaze. There stood 
a clog suspiciously eying the contents. Too drunk to compre- 
hend the situation, he soliloquized to himself : 

'' Well (hie) I remember (hie) where I got the cheese (hie) , 
and I know (hie) where I got the sauerkraut (hie), but blam'me 



478 wrr and hxthob. 

if I know (hie) where I got that dog (hie)." Then he doubled 
up and fell on the pavement. Some of his Mends lifted him, 
put his battered hat on, and assisted him home ; and then he 
remarked : 

" Gentlemen (hie), where was I ? (hie.) " 

" Don't you reeolleet ?" 

"No, sir (hie). The last (hie) thing I remember (hie) is, I 
was holding (hie) on to a gas lamp Oiic) ; and jthe (hie) lamp- 
post fell down (hie)." 

A Temperanoe Orusade Inoident. 

EHPerttm, 

During the famous whisky erusade whieb eommeneed in 
Hillsboro', Ohio, the ladies all erowded around Charley Oro- 
thers^ saloon, one day, and eommeneed praying and singing. 
Charley weleomed them, oflfered them ehairs, and seemed de- 
lighted to see them. He even joined in the singing. The 
praying and singing were kept up for several days, Charley 
never once losing his temper. The more they prayed and sang 
the happier Charley looked. One day a gentleman came to 
Charley and broke out : 

*' I say, Charley, ain't you getting 'most tired of this pray- 
ing and singing business ? " 

" What ! me gettin' tired ? No, sir 1 " said Charley. " If 
I got tired of the little singing and praying they do in my saloon 
here, what the devil will I do when I go to heaven among the 
angels, where they pray and sing all the time ! " 

Then Charley winked and took a chew of cavendish. 

Nasby on TenxDerance. 

In days past I have seen some drunkenness and the effects 
thereof. I have seen the dead bodies of women murdered by 
drunken husbands ; I have seen the best men in America go 
down to disgraceful graves; I have seen fortunes wrecked. 



TEMPERANCE AKE0D0TB8. 479 

prospects blighted, and I have pursued a greet many pages of 
statistics. There are crimes on the calendar not resulting from 
rum, but were rum eliminated, the catalogue would be so re- 
duced as to make it hardly worth the compiling. Directly or 
indirectly, rum is chargeable with a good ninety per cent, of 
the woes that afflict our country. 

Bnrdette's Temi-erance Lecture. 

My son, when you hear a man growling and scolding be- 
cause Moody gets $200 a week for preaching Christianity, you 
will see that he never worries because Ingersoll gets $200 a 
night for preaching atheism. You will observe that tlie man 
who is unutterably shocked because Francis Murphy is paid 
$150 a week for temperance work, seems to think it is all right 
when a barkeeper takes in twice as much in a single day. The 
laborer is worthy his hire, my boy, and he is just as worthy of 
it in the pulpit as on the stump. Is the man who is honestly 
trying to save your immortal soul worth less than the man who 
is trying his level best to go to congress? Isn't Moody doing 
as good work as Ingersoll ? Isn't John B. Grough as much the 
friend of humanity and society as the bartender? Do you 
want to get all the good in the world for nothing, so that you 
may be able pay a high price for the bad ? Remember, my 
boy, the good things in the world are always the cheapest. 
Spring water costs less than corn whisky ; a box of cigars will 
buy two or three Bibles ; a gallon of old brandy costs more 
than a barrel of flour ; a ''full hand " at poker often costs a 
man more in twenty minutes than his church subscription 
amounts to in three years ; a state election costs more than a 
revival of religion. 

You can sleep in church every Sunday morning for noth- 
ing, if you are mean enough to deadbeat your lodgings in 
that way, but a nap in a Pullman car costs you $2 every time ; 
60 cents for the circus, and a penny for tlie little ones to put 



480 WIT AKD HUMOR. 

into the miasifnary box; $1 for the theat^^r, and a pair oi old 
trouseiSf frajed at the ends, baggy at the knees, and utterly 
burst at the dome, for the Michigan sufferers ; the danciug 
lady gets $600 a week, and the city missionary gets |500 a 
year ; the horse race scoops in $2,000 the first day, and the 
church fair lasts a week, works twenty-five or thirty of tlie best 
women in America nearly to death, and comes out $40 in 
debt — why, my boy, if you ever find yourself sneering and 
scoffing because once in awhile you hear of a preacher getting 
a living or even a luxurious salary, or a temperance worker 
making money, go out into the dark and feel ashamed of 
yourself, and if you don't feel above kicking a mean man, kick 
yourself. Precious little does religion and charity cost the 
world, my boy, and when the money it does get is flung into 
its face, like a bone to a dog, the dopor is not benefited by the 
gift, and the receiver is not and certainly should not be, 
gratefuL 

Alf Bumetf 8 Drunken Soliloquy 

• 

Let's see, where am I ? This is coal I'm lying on. How'd 
I get here? Yes, I mind now; was coming up street; met 
wheel-barrow wot was drunk, coming t'other way. That wheel- 
barrow fell over me, or I fell over the wheel-barrow and om 
of us fell into the cellar, don't mind now which, I guess it 
must have been me. Fm a nice young man, yes I'm tight, 
tore, drunk, shot i Well, I can't help it ; 'taint my fault. 
Wonder whose fault it is ? Is it Jones's fault ? No ! Is it niv 
wife's fault ? Well it ain't 1 Is it the wheel-barrow's fault I 
No-CK)? IT'S WHISKY'S FAULT! WHISKY I who's 
Whisky ? Has he got a large family ? Got many relations? 
All poor, I reckon. I won't own him any more ; cut his 
acqnahitance. I have had a notion of doing that for the last 
ten years ; always hated to, though, for fear of hurting his 
feelings. I'll do it now, for I believe liquor is injurin' nie ; it> 
spoiling my temper. Sometimes T gets mad and abuses Beu 



TiBiiFBBJiiicaB AHsaxxmes. 481 

and the brats. I used to call 'em Lizzie and the children ; 
thaf 8 a good while ago, though. Then^ when I cum home, 
she Tised to pat hef arms around mj neck and kiss me, and 
call me ^^dear William ! " When I cum home now she takes 
her pipe out of her mouth, puts her hair out of her eyes,, and 
looks at me and says, ^^ Bill, you drunken brute, shut the door 
after you! We're cold enough, havin' no fire 'thout lettin' 
the snow blow in that way/' Yes, she's Bets and Fm Bill 
now ; I ain^t a good bill neither ; I'm counterfeit ; won't pass 
— (a tavern without goin' in and getting a drink.) Don't know 
wpt bank I'm on ; last Sunday was on the river bank, at the 
Gom Exchange, drunk ! I stay out pretty late — sometimes 
out all night, when Bets bars the doors with a bed-post ; fact 
is, I'm out pretty much all over — out of friends, out of pocket, 
out at elbows and knees, and out — rageously dirty. So Bets 
says, but she's no jud^, for she's never clean herself. I 
wonder she don't wear good clothes ? Maybe she ain't got 
any ! Whose fault is that ? 'Taint mine ! It may be whisky's. 
Sometimes Fm in ; I'm in-toxicated now, and in somebody's 
coal cellar. I've got one good principle ; I never runs in debt, 
cause nobody won't trust me. One of my coat-tails is gone ; 
got tore oflT, I expect, when I fell down here. I'll have to get a 
new suit soon. A feller told me t'other day I'd make a sign 
for a paper-mill. If he hadn't been so big I'd licked him. I've 
had tliis shirt on nine days. I'd take it off, but I'm 'fraid 
I'd tear it. Ouess I tore the window-shutter on my pants 
t'other night, when I sot on the wax in Ben Sniff's shoe-shop, 
ril have to get it mended up or I'll catch cold. I ain't very 
stout neither, though I'm full in the face, as the boys say. 
"I'm fat as a match, and healthy as the small pox." My hat 
is standin' guard for a window pane that went out the other 
day at the invitation of a brick-bat. It's getting cold down 
here; wonder how Til get out'^ I ain't able to climb. If I 
had a drink, think I could do it. Let's see, I ain't got three 
cents : wish I was in a tavern^ I could sponge it then. When 



482 WIT AKD HUMOB. 

anybody treats, and says, ^^ Gome, fellows 1 '! I always think my 
name is fellows, and I've too good manners to refuse. I mqsc 
leave this place, or PU be arrested for burglary, and I arnt 
come to that yet I Anyhow it was the wheel-barrow did the 
harm, not me I 

' Burdette on the Swlller. 

'^ Fact is," said Mr. 8 wilier, sitting down at the round table 
with his friend, " Fact is — two beers. Tony ! there's just as 
much intemperance in eating as there is in drinking, and that's 
what puts me — ^by George, that's refreshing, isn't it ? Cold as 
ice. Fill 'em up again, Tony-^ut of patience with these total- 
abstinence fanatics. A man can be temperate in his eating 
and he can be intemperate in his drinking, and I go — flight a 
cigar ? — in for temperance in all things. Now I like to — ^thank 
you, yes, I believe I will repeat — sit down with a friend and 
enjoy a glass of beer in a quiet way, just as we do now. Its 
cool, refreshing, mildly stimulant — ^have another with me — 
and does me good. I know when I have enough and — once 
more, Tony — when I have enough I know enough to quit. 
Now, do I look — hello, there's Johnson ; sit down here with 
us, Johnson ; three beers, Tony — I was just asking Blotter, 
here, if I looked like a victim of dyspepsia ? I don't drink much 
water this weather ; I believe its the worst — this time with me, 
fellows — thing a man can put into his system such weather as 
this. I believe beer is the best thing for any man, and I know 
it's the best thing for me. But I — don't hurry, have another 
before you go ; here, Tony ! — don't gorge myself with it. I 
don't sit around and get full every time I take a drink. I like 
to — three more, Tony — sit down quietly with a friend and en- 
joy a glass of beer and a bite of lunch, but I don't like to gorge 
myself. I don't eat myself into a — ^fill these up again — dys- 
pepsia, either, and tlien claim to be a temperate man. Tem- 
perance in all tilings is my mozzer-mozzer-motto. Thatsh me ! 
Now, I don-donk-donkall, I donkall myshelf a drinking man 



TEKFERAJ70B ASECD0TB8t 488 

^-once more wiz me fellows — I like to sit down qnieshly wish 
a few frens and 'joy glash beer— -just becaush dosh me good ; 
good. But I donteat myshelf to death — oncsh more all 'rown' 
— like thesh temperals falatics — oncsh in awhile I like glash 
of beer— jush in quiet way onsch in while, but you don' see — 
you don' see me gettin' full ev'ry time — ^" (Talks temperance 
in all things and undue indulgence in nothing over twelv^e 
more glasses, and succumbs to sweet repose). 

Oonsolentious Objeotiona' 

^^ I have a consdentioua objection to teetotalism,^ said a man 
to John B. Gough. 

^^And what is your conscientious objection}" asked Mr. 
Gough. 

^' It is because teetotalism is not taught in the Bible. Noah 
got drunk, and our Savior made wine at the marriage of Cana 
in Gkdilee.'' 

"I know he did." 

" He made it because they wanted it'' 

** So the Bible tells us." 

^^ He made it of water," continued the man. 

"Yes." 

^^ Well, he performed a miracle to make that wine." 

"Yes." 

^^Then he honored and sanctified wine by performing a 
miracle to make it Therefore," said he, "I feel that, if I 
should give up the use of wine, I should be guilty of ingratitude 
and should be reproaching my Master." 

"Sir," said I, "I can understand how you should feel so ; 
but is there notliing else you put by, which our Savior has 
honored ?" 

" No, I don't know that there is." 

**Do you eat barley bread?" 

*^No," and then he laughed* 



481 WIT AKB Hums, 

"And why?'* 

" Because I don't like it^ 

'* Very well, sir," said I. Our Savior sanctified barley bread 
just as much as he ever did wine. He fed five thousand people 
on barley loaves by a miracle. You put away barley bread 
from the low motive of not liking it I ask you to put away 
wine from the higher motive of bearing the infirmity of your 
weaker brother, and so ^Ifilling the law of Christ" 

Baivainlxi£r "^Ith a Pump. 

Some thirty years ago, an intemperate man was reformed by 
being revised one cherry. Penniless, he went to the public- 
house one morning, where he had squandered many a shilling, 
to get a drink " on tick." The landlady refused to trust him. 
Seeing a plate of luscious ripe cherries on the bar, he asked for 
but .one. "Save your money and buy your own cherries," 
was her surly reply. ''1 will," he said, and he did. His 
wounded pride forced him to reflect ; reflection ensured amend- 
ment. From that morning he was reformed. 

The following story tells of a flannel-weaver who also was 
induced by a surly answer to reflect and then to make a good 
bargain with a pump. 

This man had saved a guinea for the purpose of having a 
whole week's dissipation. He began on Monday, spending 
three shillings per day for seven days ; on the morning of the 
eighth day he was burning with thirst, but his money was 
gone. 

He went to the back door of the place where he had spent 
his guinea, to beg a pint on trust 

Judy, the landlady, was mopping the passage ; he stood 
looking at Judy, with his cracked lips, parched tongue and 
bloodshot eyes, expecting her to ask him to take a drop ; but 
she did not, and he requested her to trust him for only one 
pint. 



TEMPERANCE ANBODOTBfeU 485 

With an indignant look of scorn and contempt she replied, 
** Trust thee ! thou dirty, idle vagabond ! Set a step in this 
house, and I will dash this mop in thy face ! " 

Tlie poor wretch hung down his head in shame. He wa* 
leaning against a pump ; and after a little study began to talk 
to the pump, — ^ 

*'Well, Pump," he said, "I have not spent a guinea with 
thee, Pump ; wilt thou trust me a drop ? " 

He lifted up the handle, put his burning mouth to the spout« 
and drank his fill ; this done, he again said to the pump, — 

'' Thank thee, Pump ; and now, hear me. Pump. I will not 
enter a public-house again for the next seven years • and. 
Pump, thou art a witness." 

The bargain was kept, and this man aftei-wards became a 
respectable manufacturer, and often said it was a gmnd thin^ 
for him that July threatened to dash the mop in his face. 



\ 




" Itll be A long time bolbn ye seea yet fother-ln>Iaw." (Seepage 481.) 



IRISH WIT. 

Bulls, Blunders and Smart Sayings; 

"How is the pig, Pat?" 
** Faith an' he's a great glutton.'* 
"How is that?" 

*^Be Jabbers he drank two pails full of milk, and when I pwt 
4he little rascal in the pail he didn't half fill it" 

America a largre Country. 

" How do you like America, Mr. Flannigan ? " was asked oi 
an Irishman who had returned to Cbrk. 

" Ameriky, does ye say ? " 

*' Yes. Is it a large country ? " 

^^ Indade it is now. Ameriky is a mighty sizable place. Ye 
might roll England through it, an' it would hardly make a dint 
in tlie ground. There's a fresh water ocean inside of it that ye 
might drown Ireland in, an' save Father Mathew a wonderful 
so'ight of trouble. An', as for Scotland, ye might stick it in a 
comer of their forests, an' ye'd never be able to find it, except, 
it might be, by the smell of the whisky." 

Pat in a Quaker Meeting. 

Pat was attending a Quaker tneeting whexi a Quaker preacher 
read from the Psalms of David — 

"I have married a wife " 

"The devH, ye have I " interruped Pat 

After the sexton had quieted Pat the cleigyman commenced 
again — 

^^ 486 



^^ TBSSSa WIT. 

*^ I have married a wife. I have married a daughter of the 
Lord, and 

'' Arra do ye hear that now ? Oh the spalpeen 1 " exclaimed 
Pat. " Begorra, if ye have married a daughter of the Lord it 
will be a long time before ye sees yer father-in-law. '' 

" Why don't you go home ? '' asked a policeman of a drunken 
Irishman on Washington square. 

"Ah, now, be aisy ; I live in the square ; isn't it going 
round and round, and when I see my own door come up, won't 

I pop into it in a jiffy." 

# » 

"Biddy," said Mulligan to his wife, "its a bad cxjwld yon 
have. A drop of the craythur would do you no harram." 

"Oh, honey," replied Bidc'y, "Pve taken the pledge; but 
you can mix me a drink and force me to swally it I " 



« « 



" Rooney, why do you allow the pig to sleep in the flame 
room with you and your wife ? " asked a traveler of an Irish 
peasant 

"An' why not, mon ? Doesn't the room afford every con 
venieuce that a pig can require ? " 

He Had the Ijauflrli First. 

"What a foine thing it would be to take that bull bj kh« 
horns and rub his nose in the dirt," said Pat, laughing, as n® 
pointed to an enraged bull. 

" It would be a foine joke on the bull," said his friendi wbile 
they both laughed. 

"Begorry, I'll do that same thing ! " 

When Pat picked himself out of a briar bed, all tattered and 
torn, he held his handkerchief over his bleeding nose ana 
gasped : 

" Well, it is a moighty foine thing I had mv lauRli foorst 



WIT AND HUMCM, 488 

A gentleman, trayeling in Kansas some yearo ago, turned 
in at a country tavern for dinner. The room was garnished 
with a dirty wash-basin, a piece of soap the size of a lozenge, 
and a square yard of crash, dimly visible through epidermic 
deposits. Having slightly washed, the traveler eved the rag 
^ubtfully, and then asked tlie proprietor : 

" Haven't you, sir, about the premises, a this year's towel ? " 



The Dream Ettory; 

An Irishman and a Scotchman were lost on the prairie. 
When half starved they killed a single quail. The quail was 
not enough for two meals, so they decided to keep H till the next 
morning, and the one having the most pleasant dream was to 
have it 

^^ An' what did ye dream ? " asked Pat the next morning. 

^^ 1 1 dreamed a beautiful dream«" said the Scotchman. ^4 
dreamed that angels were drawing me up to heaven in a basket, 
and I was never before so happy." 

Upon the Scotchman concluding his dream, Pat exclaimed ' 

^^Och, sure and be jabers, I saw ye going, and thought ye 
wouldn't come back, so I got up and ate the quail myself." 

'^Pat, what's the reason they didn't put a hin up there 
instead of a rooster?" asked one Irishman of another, pointing 
to the weather vane on a bam. 

** An' sure," replied Pat, "that's aisy enough; don't you see, 
it would be inconvanient to go for the eggs." 

" Flow comes it tliat these boots are not of the same 
length r was asked of the Irish liotel porter. 

"I raly don't know, sir; but what bothers me the most is 
that the pair down stairs are in the same fix." 



\ 



489 IBISH WIT. 

James S. Burdette'a IriBhman's Panorama. 

Ladies an' gintlemin : In the foreground over there ye's 
'11 obsarve Vinegar Hill, an' should yer be goin' by that waj 
some day, yer moight be fatigued, an' if ye are yer'U foind at 
the fut of the hill a nate little cot kept by a man named 
McCarty, who, by the way, is as foine a lad as youll mate in 
a day's march. I see by the hasp on the door that McOartj 
is out, or I'd take ye's in an' introduce ye's. A foine, gine^ 
ous, noble feller is this McCarty. Shure an' if he had bat 
the wan peratie he'd give ye's the half of that, and phat'fl 
more, he'd thank ye for takin' it. (James, move the crank I 
Larry, music on the bag-pipes) ! 

Ladies an' gintlemin : We've now arrived at a beliutiiiil spot, 
situated about twenty miles this side o' Limerick. To the left 
over there yer'U see a hut, by the side of which is s'ated 
a lady and ginfleman ; well, as I was goin' that way wan daj, 
I heard the following conversation betwixt him an' her. She 
says to him : "James, it's a shame for yer to be tr'atin' me 
so ; d'ye moind the toime yer used to come to me father's 
castle arbeggin ' ? " " Yer father's castle — mei Well, thm ! 
ye could sthand on the outside of yer father's castle, an' stick 
yer arm down the chimney and pick praties out of the pot an' 
divil a partition betwixt you and the pigs butsthraw." (Move 
the crank, etc.). 

Ladies an' gintlemin : We have now arrived at the beaati 
ful and classical Lakes of Eallarney. There's a curious legend 
connected wid dese lakes that I must relate to you. It is that 
every evenin' at four o'clock in the afternoon a beautiiul swan 
is seen to make its appearance, an' while movin' transcend- 
entally and glidelessly along, ducks its head, skips under the 
water, an' you'll not see him till the next afternoon. (Tom 
|ho crank, etc.). 

Ladies an' gintlemin: We have now arrived at another 
beautiftd spot, situated about thirteen and a half miles this 



WIT A2!rD HUKOB. 49() 

side of Cork. This is a grate place, noted for eportsmin. 
Wanst, while sthoppin' over there at the Hotel de Finnej, the 
following tilt of a conversation occurred betwixt Mr. Muldoo- 
ney, the waiter, and mesilf. I says to him, says I, "Mully, 
old boy, will you have the kindness to fetch me the mustard ? " 
And he was a long time bringin' it, so I opportuned him for 
kapin me. An' says he to me, says he, ^^Mr. McCune" 
(that's me), ^'I notice that you take a great dale of mustard 
wid your mate.'' "I do, says I. Says he, ''I notice you 
take a blame sight of mate wid your mustard." (Move the 
crank, etc.). 

Toadies an' ginilemin : We now skhip acrost the broad At> 
lantic to a wonderful shpot in America, situated a few miles 
from Chinchinnatti, Ohoho, called the falls of Niagara. While 
lingerin' wan day 1 saw a young couple evidently very sweet 
on aich othtr. Av course I took no notice of phat they were 
sayin', but I cotQdn't help listenin' to the followin' extraordi- 
nary conversation. Says he to her, ^^ Isn't it wonderful to see 
that tremindous amount of water comin' down over that ter< 
rible precipice ? " " Yis, darlint," says she, " but wouldn't it 
be far more wonderful to see the same tremindous body of 
water a-goin' v^ that same precipice ? " (Move the crank, etc.). 

will Carleton's Lightning Rod Agent. 

If the weary world is filing, I've a little word to say, 

Of a lightning-rod disnenser that dropped down on me one 

day. 
With a poem in his motions, with a sermon in his mien, 
With hands as white as lilies, and a face uncommon clean. 
No wrinkle had his vestments, and his linen glistened white, 
And his new-constructed necktie was an interesting sight ; 
Whioh I almost wish his razor had made red that white 

skinned throat. 



491 IRISH WIT. 

And the new-oonstnicted necktie had composed the hang» 

man's knot, 
£re he brougiit his sleek-trimmed carcass for my womec 

folks to see, 
And hie rip-saw tongue arbnzzin' for to gouge a gash in m& 

But I couldn't help but like him — as I always think I must 
The gold of my own doctrines in a fellow-heap of dust ; 
When I fired my own opinioub at this person round by round, 
They drew an answering volley of a very similar sound. 
I touched him on religion, and the hopes my heart had known ; 
Tie said he'd hsA experiences quite similar of his own. 
I told him of the doubtin's that made dark my early years ; 
Ele had laid awake till morning with that same old breed ol 

fears. 
I told him of the rough path I hoped to heayen to go ; 
He was on that very ladder, only just a round below, 
I told him of my visions of the sinfulness of gain ; 
He had seen the self-same picters, though not quite so cleai 

and plain. 
Our politics was different, and at first he galled and winced , 
But I arg'ed him so able, he was very soon convinced. 
And 'twas getting toward the middle of a hungry summer day; 
There was dinner on the table, and I asked him would he 

stiv ? 
And he sat him down among us, everl^ting trim and neat, 
And asked a short, crisp blessing almost good enough to eat; 
Tlien he fired up on the mercies of oir Great Etenial Friend, 
And ga^e the Lord Almighty a good first-class recommend ; 
And for full an hour we listened to the sugar-coated scanij), 
Talkiug like a blessed angel, eating like a blasted tn mp. 

My wife, she liked the stranger, smiling on him soft an^ 

sweet ; 
It always flatters women when their goests are on the eat) 



WIT AHD HUMOiL ^9% 

And lie hint^ that some ladies never lose their early charms, 

And kissed her latest baby, and received it in his arms. 

My sons and daughters liked him, for he had progressive 

views. 
And chewed the quid of fancy, and gave down the latest news. 
And I couldn't help but like him, as I fear I always mnst 
The gold of my own doctrines, in a fellow-heap of dnst 
He was spreading desolation through a piece of apple-pie. 
When he paused and looked u])on us with a tear in his oft eye, 
And said, '' Oh, happy family I your blessings make me sad ; 
You call to mind the dear ones that in happier days I had : 
A wife as sweet as this om- ; a babe as briglit and fair; 
A little girl with ringlets, like that one over there. 
I worshipped tliem too blindly ! my eyes with love were dim J 
God took them to His own heart, and now I worship Him. 
But had I not neglected the means within my way, 
Then they niiglit still be living, and lo^ang me tonlay. 

''One night there came a tempest; the thunder-peals were 

dire ; 
The clouds that tramped above us were shooting bolts of fire ; 
In my own house, 1 lying, was thinking, to my blame. 
How little I had guarded against those shafts of flame, 
When, crash I through roof and ceiling the deadly lightning 

cleft; 
And killed my wife and children, and only I was left. 

" Since that dread time I've wandered, and naught for life have 

ciired, 
Save tr) save others' loved ones, whose lives have yet been 

spared ; 
Since then it is my mission, where'er by sorrow tossed, 
To sell to virtuous people good lightning-rods, at cost 
With sure and strong protection TV. clothe your buildings o'er, 
Twill cost you fifty dollars, (perhaps a trifle more) ; 



193 IBIBH WIT. 

What little else it comes to, at lowest price 111 put, 
^You signing this agreement to pay so much per foot.") 

I signed it, while my family all approving stood about. 

And dropped a tear upon it, (but it didn't blot it out I) 

That very day with wagons came some men, both great and 

small; 
They climbed upon my buildings just as if they owned 'em all ; 
They hacked 'em, and they hewed 'em^ much against my loud 

desires ; 
They trimmed 'em up with gewgaws, and they bounc" 'em 

down with wires ; 
They trimmed 'em and they wired 'em, and they trimmed and 

wired 'em still, 
And every precious minute kept arrunning up the bill. 
My soft-spoke guest a-seeking, did I rave, and rush, and run ; 
He was supping with a neighbor, just a three-mile further on. 
"Do you think," I fiercely shouted, '*that I want a mile o' 

wire 
To save each separate hay-cock out o' heaven's consumin' fire f 
Do you think to keep my buildin's safe from some uncertain 

harm 
Pm goin' to deed you over all the balance of my fiirm I ^ 
He looked up quite astonished, with a face devoid of guile, 
And he pointed to the contract with a reassuring smile ; 
With mild and sad demeanor he listened to my plea, 
But l:e held me to that paper with a firmness sad to see ; 
And for that thunder-story, ere the rascal finally went, 
I paid two hundred dollars, if I paid a single cent 

And if any lightnin'-rodder wants a dinner dialogue 
With the restaurant departments of an enterprising dog, 
Let him set his mill a-runnin' just inside my outside gate, 
And I'll bet two hundred dollars that he won't have long to 
wait 



WIT AXD HUMDB. 494 



Frasixiff the Baste. 

An Iriahman, being annoyed by a howling dog in the night, 
jumped out of bed in liis night shirt and ran out into the snow 
after him. He caught the dog by the tail and held him on the 
snow. 

'^Holy Mother I Pat,'^ said his wife, ^^what would ye be 
aftherdoin'?" 

^^Hush, darlint," he said '^ Don't ye seet Vm tryia^ to 
firaze the baste I'' 

• 

^^ Whose funeral is that?" was asked of an LrishnuoL 

" Be gorrah, sir," said Pat with a most innocent loob, •* Wh 
myself that can not say for sartain, but I'm after thinkin', it's 
Ihe mmC% in the cqffi/n.^ 

« 
Moeqtdto with a Lantern. 

Two Irishmen had been fighting the mosquitoes in a New 
[ork tenement house. About two o'clock they finally got to 
^leep. While in a half<loze a lightning-bug came flying into^ 
the room. 

^' Jamie, Jamie, it's no use," exclaimed Pat ^^ Here's one 
of the creature sarchin' for us wid a lantern 1" 



No SHxpenoes in Irelaad. 

An Irishman asked a Long Island woman the price of a pair 
of fowls. 

" A dollar," was the reply. 

** And a dollar it is, my darlint? Why, in my country yon 
might buy them lor sixpence apiece. " 

*' And why didn't you stay in that blessed cheap country P 

^' Och, faith, and there was no siwpence there j to be sure I" 



495 IBiBH wm 



*^ And it is upon tbe .oaths of them two witnesses yer honor 
is going to condimn me for theft? " asked Pat. 

^^Ceiiaimj,^' said the judge, ^^ their testimony was ample t5 
convinoe the jury of yonr goilt Two witnesses saw yon take 
the things. " 

^*0h, mnrtherf exclaimed Pat, ^^to condimn me on the 
oaths ot two spalpeens who swear they saw me take the goods, 
whin I can bring forth a hundred who will swear they didn't 
oee me do it" 

Ehmaet QmL 

<< Whaf s that! "^ asked Pat, as they fired off the sunset gun 
at Fort Hamilton. 

" Why, that's sunset*' 

*^ Sunset I " Pat exclaimed, with distended eyes, sunset 
Howly Moses I and does the sun go down in this country with 
sich a dap as that ! 

Daniel O'Connell, the great Irish patriot, once met a oon- 
beited Kterary friend, and exclaimed r "I saw a capital thing 
in your last pamphlet '' 

^^ Did you ? " eagerly replied his delighted listener ; ^^ what 
was it?" 

^^ A pound of butter. " 

Hard Work to Oomit Them. • 

" How many were there at the party, O'Flaherty f ^ 
" How many would ye be after knowin'? Well there was 
the — two Crogans were one, myself was two, Mike Finn was 
three, and — and — who was four ? Let me see '' (counting on 
his fingers). "The two Crogans was one, Mike Finn was twi», 
myself was three, and bedad I tliere was four us, but I oouldn^l: 



WIT ASD HUHOB. 496 

tell the name of the other. Now, it^s meself that has it Mike 
Finn was one, the two Crogans was two, myself was three — 
and — by my soul, I think there Was but three of us after alL" 






(( 



Buy a trunk, Pat," said a dealer. 
^* And what for should I buy a trunk f " rejoined Pat 
"To put your clothes in," was the reply. 
^^ And go naked 2 " exclaimed Pat ; ^' i^ot a bit If it P 

Twlnty Molls Apleoa 

Two Irishmen were once walking toward New York, when 
chey met a man and asked hiui how much farther they had got 
to travel, and were told that it was yet twenty miles to the 
great city. 

" Faith, well not reach it the night," said one (rf them^ evi 
dently much dejected. 

"Och, Fat, come on. Twin^ moils 1 Shore &UBffB not 
much ; only tin moils apiece. Ck>me on." 

A gentleman going up Sixth avenue, New York, me'c ^ 
laborer to whom he sidd : " Will you tell me if I am half way 
to Central Park ? " 

*^ Faith, an' I will,'^ was the reply, ^Mf yon tell me where 
you started fix)m." 

" What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat ? ^ 
^' Why, you see that my grandmother is dafe, and i am 
writing a loud letter to her." 

An Irish post-boy, having driven a gentleman a long stage 
during^ torrents of rain, was asked if he was not veiy wet ! '"^ 

^^ Arrah ! I wouldn't care about being so very toetj if I wasn^ 
00 twy drj/y your honor.** 



'^^1 ntaa wit. 



An Irlahman's Wit 

An Irishman, a Scotchman and an Englishman were toimd 
goilty of murder and sentenced to be hung. 

" Now," said the Judge, " how would you like to be hung!" 
^*I will be hung to an ash tree,'' said the Englishman* 
^^ And I will choose an oak,'' said the Scotchman. 

• 

" Well, Pat, what will you hang on! " asked the judge. 

^^If it plaze your honor, I'd rather be hung on a gooseberry 
bush." 

^' Oh," said the judge, ^* that's not big enough." 

"Begorry thin," replied Pat, brightening up, "PU wait till 
it grows. 

• 
How much for the broad-faced chicken on the fence t^ 
inquired an Irishman of a farmer. 

^^ That's not a chicken — it's an owl," replied the fiEumer. 

^*I don't care how ould he is ; I would like to bay him,^ 
said the Irishman. 

A German looked up at the sky and remarked : 

*^ I guess a leedle it vill rain somedime pooty queek." 

'^Yees do, eh?" replied an Irishman: ^^What busineei 

have yees to purtend to know about Ameriken weather, ye 

fhnin galoot I " 

The Virgin Forest 

Ai Irish member of Parliament had been describing his 
travels in the lar west and the " virgin forests" there. 

" What is a virgin forest ? " asked an auditor. 

" Phwat is a vairgin forest is it ye want to know 1 A vairgin 
forest, sorr, is one phwere the hand o' man has niver set fot, 
bedadl" 

85 



WIT AMD HUMOB. 498 

An IriBhman, who lived in an attic, beinfl^ asked what part 
of the house he occnpied, answered : ^' If the house was turned 
topgy huroifj Vd be livin' on the tirst flare.'' 

The Iriahxnan in Oourt 

Pat O'Connor was arrested and brought before a New Fork 
judge upon the charge of assault and battery. He listened 
very attentively while the indictment was, being read, and when 
that was ended, was asked if he demanded a trial. 

Pat, putting his hand to his ear, and leaning forward in utter 
Ignorance of what had been asked him, said : 

"What's that?'' 

The question was repeated, and his reply was : " The divil 
of a thrial I want. Ye needn't give yourself the throuble of 
thryin' me ; you may as well save the expense of that and 
put me down innocent Oontint am I to lave this wid my 
blessin' on ye ; indade, Pm anxious, for me boss is waitin' 
for me beyant Oh, no, no ! the divil a thrial '' want at all, 
at all !/' 

^'hen the laughter in the court-room subsided, the question 
was changed, and the prisoner was asked : 

" Are you guilty or not guilty t " 

"What's that?" he said, leaning forward again with his 
hand to his ear, as if* he hadn't heard the question. 

" Are you guilty or not guilty ? " said the judge. 

" Arrah, now, your honor, how the divil can I tell till I hear 
the evidence i " 

As Ikmocent as a SnoUn' Babe. 

An Irishman being recently on trial for some offense, pleaded 
"not guUty;" and, the {ury being in the box, the state's 
solicitor proceeded to call Mr. Furkisson as a witness. With 
the utmost innocence, Patrick turned his fbce to the court, and 
said: 



^^ Do I understand jer honor that Mr. Fnrkisson is to be a 
witness forenenst me again ? » 

" It seems so,'' said the judge. 

*' Well thin, yer honor, I plade guilty, sure, and yer honor 
plaze, not because I am guilty, for Fm as innocent as yer 
honor's suckin' babe at the brist, but jist on the account of 
saving Misther Furkisson's «(n^." 

Not long ago, in the court of appeals, an Irish lawyer, while 
aiding with earnestness his cause, stated a point which the 
court ruled out 

"Well,'' said the attorney, "if it plaze the coort, if I am 
wrong in this, I have another point that is aqually as conclu- 



sivo.'* 



An Iriahxnaa'B Flea. 

" Are you guilty or not guilty ? " asked the clerk of fiie 
criminal court, to an Irish prisoner. 

" An' sure," said Pat, " what are yees there for, but to foind 
that out t « 

Biddy (^ Pat^ in charge about a difficultt/). " Never fear, 
Pat I Shure y'ave got an upright jidge to thry ye ! " 

Pat. " Ah, Biddy, darlin', the divil an upright jidge I want ! 
'Tis wan that'll lane a little I " 



A " Waking BulL'* 

Patrick. — "Dennis, did you hear the thunder in the nightf 

Dennis. — "No, Pat ; did it really thunder?" 

Patrick. — "Yes ; it thundered as if hiven and earth would 

come together." 
Dennis: — " Why the deuce, then, didn't ye wake me, for y^ 

know I can't slape when it thunders I " 



WTT AND HUMOB. 500 

**Ah, Pat) Fm afraid yoa'U find the road youVe going if 
rather a longer one than joa think," said a gentleman to an 
Irishman who was staggering home from a circas. 

'' Sure, your honor," he replied, " it's not the length of the 
road I care about, it's the breadth of it that is destroying me.'^ 

He Was Not Bigoted. 

^^Come and have a dhrink, boys.'' 

Pat came up and took a drink of whisky. 

*^How is this Pat?" asked a bystander. How can yon 
drink whisky ? Sure it was only yestherday ye towld me ye 
was a tavtotler." 

"Well," said Pat, evidently somewhat disconcerted, "you're 
right, Mister Keliy — it's quite right ye are — I am a taytotler, 
it's thrue, but I — I — Pm not a bigoted one 1 " 



« 



" Mike how's your wife t " 

" O, she's dead, thank your honor. How's your ownt* 



« 



Jimmy. "I was up at the menagerie yisterday afther 



noon." 



" I was there tdo," responded Mike. 
"By me soul," said Jimmy, scratching his head, "I was 
lookin' for ye ; which cage were you in t ?* 

The IrlBh PhilOBopber. 

Ladies and Gintlemen : I see so many foine lookin' people 
sittin' before me, that if you'll excuse me I'll be afther takin' a 
seat meself. You don^t know me, Pm thinking, as some of yees 
^ud be noddin' to me afore this. Pm a walldn' pedestrian, a 
travelling philosopher. Terry O'Mulligan's me name. Pm 
from Dublin, where many philosophers before me was raised 
and bred. Oh, philosophy is a foine study 1 I don't know 




"Which Mg« were you IqT " (BeepofvOM.) 



nusH WIT. 601 

snytibing about it but its a foine study I Before I kirn over I 
attended an important meetin' of philosophers in Dublin, and 
the discussin^ and talkin' you'd hear there about the world 'ud 
warm the very heart of Socrates or Aristotle himself. Well, 
there was a great many imminent and learned min there at the 
meetin*, and I was there too, and while we was in the very 
thickest of a heated argument, one comes to me and says he, 
"Do you know what we're talkin' about?" "I do," says I, 
" but I don't understand yees." " Oould ye explain the sun's 
motion around the earth ?" days he. "I could," says I, " but 
I'd not know could you understand or not." " Well," says he, 
"we'll see," says he. Sur'n I dicjn't know anything how to 
get out of it then, so I piled in, "for," says I to myself, "never 
let on to any onethat you don't know anything, but make th&m 
believe that you do know all about it." 80 says I to him, 
takin' up me shillalah this way (holding a very crooked stick 
perpendicular), "Well take that for the straight line of the 
earth's equator " — how's that for gehography ? (to the audience). 
Ah, that was straight till the other day I bent it in an aigument 
"Very good," says he. "Well," says I, "now the sun rises 
in the east" (placing the. disengaged hand at the eastern end of 
of the stick). Well, he couldn't deny that "And when he 
gets up he 

Darts his rosy beams — ^Through the momin' gleamBb** 

Do you moind the poetry there? (to the audience with a 
smile). "And he keeps oii risin' and risin' till he reaches hia 
meriden." " What's that ?" says he, " His dinner-toime," says 
I ; "sure'n that's my Latin for dinner-toime, and when he geti 
his dinner 

He sinks to rest — Behipd the glorious hills of the wesf 

Oh, begorra, there's more poetry I I fail it creepin' out all*ovet 
me. . "There," says I, well satisfied with myself ; "will that 
do for ye?" "You havn't got done with him yet," says he. 
'^ Done with him," says I, kinder mad like ; "what more do 



508 Wtr AND HUMQB. 

jroQ want me to do with him t Didn't I bring him from the 
east to the west f What more do you want ?" " Oh," says he, 
^^ you'll have to bring him back again to the east to rise next 
raornin \" By Saint Patrick I and wasn't I near betraying me 
ignorance. Sare'n I thought there was a laige family of suns, 
and they rise one after the other. But I gathered meselt quick, 
and, says I to him, "well," says I, "Pm surprised you axed 
me that simple question. I thought any man 'ud know," says 
I, "when the sun sinks to rest in the west — ^when the sun — ^ 
says I. " You said that before," says he. " Well I want to 
press it stronger upon you," says L " When the sun sinks to 
rest in die east — ^no — ^west, why he — ^why he waits till it grows 
dark, and then he goes back in ths noigkt tomet^ 

Miss Malony on The Ohinese QoestloiL 

The foUowing.is a fine instance of Iriah dialect : 
Och I don't be talkin'. Is it howld on, ye say ? ' An' didnt 
I howld on till the heart of me was clane broke intirely, and me 
wastin' that thin you could clutch me wid yer two hands I To 
think o' me toilin' like a nager for the six year I've been in 
Ameriky — ^bad luck to the day I iver left tho owld counthry, 
to be bate by the likes o' them 1 (faix an' I'll sit down when I'm 
ready, so I will, Ann Ryan, aii' ye'd better be listnin' than 
draiinn' your remarks), an' it's mysel', with five good characters 
from respectable places, would be herdin' wid the haythens t 
The saints forgive mo, but I'd be buried alive soon'n put up 
wid it a day longer. Sure an' I was a granehom not to be 
lavin' at onct when the missus kim into me kitchen wid her 
perlaver about the new waiterman which was brought out from 
Oalitomy, " He'll be here the night,'* says she, *' and, Kitty, 
it's myself looks to you to be kind and patient wid him, for he's 
a furriner," says she, a kind o' looking ofll " Sure an' it's little 
fll hinder nor interfare wid 1. .ra nor any other, mum," says I, 
a kind o' stifi^ for I minded me how these French waiters, wid 



noBH wrr. KOB 

thdr paper collars and brass rings on their fingers, isnt company 
for no garril brought up dadnt and honest Och{ sorra a 
bit I knew what was comin' till the missus walked into me 
kitchen smilin', and says, kind o' sheared : 

" Here's Fing Wing, Kitty, an' you'll have too much sinse 
to mind his bein' a little strange." Wid that she shoots the 
doore ; and I, misthrusting if I was tidied up sufficient for me 
fine buy wid his paper collar, looks up and — holy fathers 1 may 
I niver brathe another breath, but there stud a rale haythin 
Chineser a-grinnin' like he'd just come off a tay-box. If you'll 
belave me, the crayture was that yeller it 'ud sicken you to see 
him ; and sorra stitch was on him but a black night-gown over 
his trowsers and the front of his head shaved daner ner a cop- 
per biler, and a black tail a-hanging' down firom behind, wid 
his two feet stock into the heathenest shoes you ever set eyes 
on. Och I but I was upstairs afore you could turn about, 
a^vin' the missus warning' ; an' only stopt wid her by her 
raisin'^ me wages two dollars, and playdin' wid me how it was 
a Obristian's duty to bear wid haythins and taitch 'em all in 
our power — ^the saints save us I Well, the ways and trials 1 
had wid that Chineser, Ann Ryan, I couldn't be tellin'. Not 
a blessed thing cud I do but he'd be lookin' on wid his eyes 
cocked up'ard like two poomp-handles, an' he widdout a speck 
or a Bmitch o' wliiskers on him, and his fingeMuils ftdl a yard 
long. But it's dying you'd be to see the missus arlamin' him, and 
he giinnin' an' waggin' his pig-tail (which was pieced out long 
wid some black stoof, the haythen chate I) and gettin' into her 
wayis wonderful quick, I don't deny, imitatin' that sharp you'd 
be shurprised, and ketchin' and copyin' things the best of us 
will do a-hurried wid work, yet don^t want comin' to the knowl- 
edge of the family — ^bad luck to him I 

Is it ate wid him ? Arrah, an' would I be sittin' wid a hay- 
then and he a-atin' wid drumsticks — ^yes, an' atin' dogs an' cats 
unknownst to me, I warrant you, which is the custom of them 
Chineeers, till the thought made me that sick I could die. An' 

96 



604 WIT AND H17M0B. 

didnH die crayter proiFer to help me a wake ago come Toosda^ 
an' me a foldin' down me clane clothes for the ironin', an' 
fill his haythen month wid water, an' afore I oonid hinder 
sqorrit it through his teeth stret over the best linen table- 
cloth, and fold it up tight as innercent now as a baby, the dirty 
baste I But the worrest of all was the oopyin' he'd be doin' 
till ye'd be dishtracted. It's yerself knows the tinder feet that^s 
on me since ever Fve bin in this country. Well, owin' to that, 
I fell into the way o' slippin' me shoes off when I'd be settin' 
lown to pale the praties or the likes o' that, and, do ye mind, 
that haythen would do the same thing after me whiniver the 
missus set him parin' apples or tomaterses. The saints in 
heaven couldn't have made him belave he conld kape the shoes 
on him when he'd be payling anything. 

Did I lave fur that ? Faix an' didn't he get me into tronble 
wid my missus, the haythin 1 You're aware yerself how the 
boondles comin' in from the grocery often contains more'n '11 
go into anything daoently. So, for that maiter, I'd now and 
tlien take out a sup o' sugar, or flour, or tay, an' wrap it in 
paper and put it in me bit of a box tucked under the ironin' 
blankit the how it cuddent be bodderin' any one. Well, what 
should it be, but this blessed Sathurday mom the missus was 
a spakin' pleasant and respec'fhl wid me in me kitchen when 
the grocer boy comes in an' stands fomenst her wid his boon- 
dies, an' she motions like to Fing Wing (which I never would 
call him by that name nor any other but just haythin), she 
motions to him, she does, for to take the boondles an' empty 
out the sugar an' what not where they belongs. If you^ll 
belave me, Ann Ryan, what did that blatherin' Ohineser do 
but take out a snp' o' sugar, an' a handful o' tay, an' a bit o' 
chaze, right atore the missus, wrap them into bits o' paper, an^ 
I spacheless wid shurprise, an' he the next minute up wid the 
ironin' blankit and pullin' out me box a show o' bein' sly to 
put tliem in. Och I the Lord forgive me, bnt I clutched it» 
aod the missus sayin', ^^ O Kitty I '^ in a way that 'ad curdle 



IBIBH WIT. 505 

jimt Mood. *' H6*s a liaythiii nager/' says I. '* Vre found 
you oaV^ says she. ^^FU arrist him/* says I. **It*s you 
ought to be arristid/* says she. ^^You wpnH/' says L , '*I 
will/* says she: and so it went till sh^ gave me such sass as I 
coddent take from no lady, an* I give her wamin* an* left that 
instant, an* she a-pointin' to the doors. 

Mabt H. Dodgb. 



NE&RD WIT. 

Aneodotes—Dlalect and Fun. 

^^ I take my tex dis morning," said a colored preacher, ** &c ja 
dat portion ob de Scriptures whar de Postol Paul pints his 
pistol to the Fessions." 

Boilin' BfiTGTS by de Watoh. 

"Look here, Sambo," said the hotelkeeper, "these eggB 
are boiled too hard. Now, take my watch, and boil them three 
minutes by it" 

He gave the negro his splendid gold watch. In about five 
minutes the freedman retumea with the eggs and watch on the 
same plate. The watch was wet 

"What have you been doing to my watch?" asked the 
hotelkeeper. " Why it's all wet ! " 

" Yes, sah," said the negro* " I biled de eggs by de watch. 
All right dis time, sah I " 

BQl Perkins on the Richmond Darieay. 

Richmond consists of 500 good houses, 17,000 negro huts 
and 400 tobacco factories. A Richmond man showed me the 
town. I didn't get tired looking at the 500 good houses, but 
the 400 tobacco factories wore me all out At last, when I came 
to a large building, I would say : 

" Another tobacco factory, air ? " 

" Yes, this is a plug factory." 

** Never mind," I said, "drive on ; let the plug go.'' 

006 



KBOBO WIT. fi07 

Farther on we came to a very large bnilding and a veiy 
ancient building. 

^^ Is that a tobacco fectory, too ? '' I asked a darkey. 

^^No, sah ; dat*8 a meetin' hons', sah. Dat^s whar Patrick 
Henry delivered liis great speech.'^ 

" When ? " I asked, " when did Patrick speak I " 

"Tears and years ago, sah." 

" What did he say 1 " 

" Why, he's de man what said, ^ Give me liberty or give me 
death.'" 

" Well, which did he get ? " 

" He got 'em bof, sah." 

The Poultry Trade in Arkansas. 

Op4e P,Sead, 

" What other business do you follow besides preaching t " 
was asked of an old colored man. 

"I speculates a little." 

** How speculate ? " 

"Sells chickens." 

" Wliere do you get the chickens t " 

*• My boys fetch 'em in." 

" Wliere do they got them ? " 

" I doan know, sah. I'se allers so busy wid my preachin' 
dat I ain't got time to ax. I was gwine to inquire de udder 
day, but a 'vival come on an' tuck up all my time." 

Alex Sweet. 

We are indebted to Alex Sweet, who has made the San An- 
tonio Jfercdd^ the Galveston News^ and the Galveston Herald 
famous by his wit and humor for many of his very best negro 
Biories. Many of Mr. Sweet's witticisms, as arranged by him, 
appear in this book in different places. 



608 Wir AND HUMOR. 

I 

A DutiftQ Daughter. 

^^Look here, J^atilda,'' said an Aas'tin ladj to the colored 
cpok, '^ jon sleep right close to the chicken house> and you 
must have heard those thieves stealing the chickens. '' 

^^ Yes, ma'am, I heerd de chickens holler, and heerd de 
voices ob de men.^ 

*' Why didn't yon go out, then ? " 

^^ Case, ma'am (bursting into tears), case, ma'am, I knowed 
my old fadder was out dar, and I wouldn't hab him know Fse 
los' confidence in him fob all de chickens in de world. If I 
had gone out dar and kotched him it would have broke his ole 
heart, and he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh 
him besides. He done tole me de day before dat he's gwme 
to pull dem chickens dat night" 

He Eiiiew the Nature of an Oath. 

 

" Do you know what an oath is ? " asked a Virginia judge of 
an. old plantation darkey. 

" Yes, sah ; when a man swears to a lie he's got to stick to 
it" 

» 

" What was you in jail for last summer, Sambo' ? " 

**rp' borrerin monney, sah ! " 

"But they don't put people in jail for bprro wing money, do 
they?" 

"Dey do in some cases, boss. Now in dis case I had to 
knock the man down free or fo' times before he would lend it 
tome." 

He Wasn't Afraid. 

An old darkey, during the last Millerite excitement, had 
boasted that "he wa'n't afraid ob de an^l ob de Lord. 
Noj.gahl" ^ 



HBGBO WIT. 609 

 

The darkey slept in a room finished off with a rough parti- 
tion. One night, just as he was getting into bed, he was startleo 
with a knocking on the partition, which made it jar. 

"Whodar?" 

^'ITie angel of de Lord f 

" What ur want?" 

" Want Sambo." 

Out went the light, and under the bed-Kslothes went Sambo. 

'^ No sich nigger here, sah I been dead des tree weeks.'' 



An Aooommodatinff Seryant. 

** Yon will have a very easy time of it here, as we have no 
children to worry you," said an Austin lady to a colored 
woman she was about to hire. 

^^ Don't restrict yerself, missus, on my aocounti bekase Fae 
fond of chilluns, I is." 



Ubel Suit Threatened. 

The Bev. Aminidab Bledso, of an Austin Blue light Golored 
Tabernacle, was yesterday in consultation with his legal ad- 
viser as to the advisability of suing Deacon Gabe Snodgrass 
for $50,000 damages done his character by the slanderous 
remarks of Snodgrass's boy, Abe Linkum. The facts are un- 
denied. Bev. Aminidab Bledso saw the boy in a crowd, and 
after patting him on the head, asked him if he knew his cate- 
chism, to which Abe Linkum responded that he did not 

^^ You don't seem to know much, anyhow," remarked the 
clergyman. 

^^I knows some ding, and udder dings I don't know." 

*' What does yer know ? " 

^^ I knows you don't keep no chickens, and dat dar am heaps 
ob chicken fedders in your back yard." 



510 wrr and humor. 

" Now tell us what yer don't know ? " 
^^ I don't know whose chickens dem fedders growed on," 
responded Pea Blossom. 

TSlegTO Gramiuar. 

EUPfrHmn. 

The funniest dialects are the negro, Irish, Dutch, Chinese 
and Yankee. The negro dialect has a grammar, and the 
present, imperfect and perfect tenses are built up as follows : 

OONJUGATIOll OF THB VERB ''l DUN.'' (OOLOBBD). 

PretenL 
I dun it 
You dun it. 
He dun it. 
We una dun it. 
You uus dun it. 
Xhey una dun it 

ImperfedU 
I dun dun it 
You dun dun it 
He dun dun it. 
We or us dun dun it 
You uns dun dun it 
They uns dun dun it ^ 

Perfed, 
I gone dun dun it 
You gone dun dun it 
He gone dun dun it 
We or us uns gone dun dun it 
You uns goniB dun dun it 
They uns gone dun dun it 

Hbn. W. 8. Andrew's Nesrro Fhllosophito. 

rhe Hon. W. S. Andrews often tells this negro story with a 
<cialect which makes everybody enjoy it : 

*'An elderly colored man, with a very philosophical and 
retrospective cast of countenance, was squatting with his bundle 
apon the hurricane-deck of one of the Western river steamers, 
toasting his shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged 




 A deftd vhlte man alnt mnoh frid deoe saJerB, let aloti»'« dead 
nlggah." (See page 612.) 



611 



JXEOrBO WIT. 



in a state of profound meditation. His dress and appearance 
indicated familiarity with camp-life, and« it being soon after 
the siege and capttire of Fort Donelson, I was incline* 1 to 
disturb his reveries, and on interrogation foand that liu iii*<i 
been with the Union forces at that place, wlien I questioo*^ 
farther. His philosophy was so peculiar that I will give his 
views in his own words as near as my memory will serve m.^ • 

*' Were you in the fight?'' 

** I had a little taste of it, sah." 

•* Stood your ground, did you i '' 

"No, sah, I runs." 

•' Run at the first fire, did you ? " 

" Yes, sah, an' would have run soonah had I knowed it 



oomin'." 



" Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage." 

**Dat isn't in my line, sah; cookin's my profession." 

" Well, but have you no regard for your reputation i " 

"Reputation's nuffin to me by de side of life." 

" Do you consider your life worth more than other people's 9 

^*It'a worth more to me, sah." 

"Put why should you act upon a different rule from other 
men?" 

"'Oaase, sah, different men sets diflPrent value on derseWoe; 
my life's not in de market" 

"But if yon lost it, .you would have the satisfaction of fcn^^" 
ing tliat you died for your country." 

" What satisfaction would dat be to me, when de po-^^^^ ^^ 
feelin' was gone ? " * 

"Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you ? " 

"Nuffin whatever, sah." 

"If our soldiers were all like you, traitors might h^^ 
broken up the government without resistance." 

*^ Yes, sah ; der would have been no help for it. I woul^J** 
put my life in de scales 'gainst any guberment dat ever 



•/ 
Vm AND HUMOB. 91% 

iBCed, for no goberment oould replace de lose to me. ^Spect 
dough dat de gaberment's safe if de're all like me." 

^' Do you think that any of your company would have missed 
you if you had been killed ? " 

^^ Maybe not, sah ; a dead white man aint much wid dese 
sojers, let alone a dead niggah ; but Pd a missed myself and 
dat was de p'int wid me." 

Alex Sweet on Neeto .Honesty. 

Jim Webster is one of the most upright negroes in Austin, 
and yet he is peculiar. Not long since he brought a large 
package of coffee to the store of a white neighbor, and said : 

^' I bought dis coffee at de store of 1^. Hotchkins, an' I jes 
knows he has cheated me outen more than a whole pound in de 
weight I jes kin feel the lightness. Dar should be ten pounds, 
and I'se sho' dar's not more than eight pounds. He fixed his 
scale to cheat poor culled folks what hain't got no sense." 

The white neighbor took the package, and, after weighing W 
carefully on his scales, said : 

^' You are mistaken, Jim. He has given you a pound and a 
half too much. There are eleven and a half pounds in the 
package instead often." 

^' Yer don't say so, boss. I was so sartin dat he was gibben 
me light weight dat, unbeknownst to him, jes to get eben, I 
lifted off de shelf a pair ob fine boots, wuff six dollars, to bal- 
ance de account" 

^' Well, now you see that he hasn't cheated you, I suppose 
you will do what is right? " 

'^ You bet I will, boss. I'se gwine right back ter dat store 
ter do what am right" 

« 

*' Are you going to return the boots ? " . 

^^ No, boss ; I can't afford to make any such sacrifices as dat 
I'se a poor nigger, if I is honest I can't afiord to make an} 
body a present of such a high-priced pair ob boots, but I'm 



518 BBQBO WIT. 

gwine to gib him back dat extra pound and a half of coffea I 
admires liberality, I does, and from now on I^se gwine ter do 
all my tradin' with him, now dat he has worked hisself into my 
confidence. He sha'n't lose nuthin' by my honesty ef I kin 
help it" 

" Uncle Pete, why don't you get married ? " 
^'Why, you see, sah, I got an old mudder, an' I hab to do 
for her, ye see, sah, an' if I don't buy her shoes an' stockin's 
she wouldn't get none. Now, ef I was to get married, I 
would hab to buy dem tings for my wife, an' dat would be 
taking de shoes an stockin's right out o' my mudder's mouf." 

Appearances Deoeivincf. 

" Sambo, whar you get dat watch you wear to meetin' last 
Sunday ? " 

" How do you know I hab a watch ? " 

^^Kase I seed the chain hang out ob your pocket in the 
front." 

'"Go 'way, nigger, s'pose you see a halter round my neck, 
you think dar is a boss inside ob me ? " 

"Look here, Pete," said a knowing daAey to his compan* 
ion, "don't stan' on de railroad." 

"Why, Joe?" 

" Kase ef de cars see dat mouf ob youm, dey will tink it 
am de depo' an' run rite in I " 

Gk)in£r in Oahoot. 

Charlie and .Henry Mason, of Frankfort, Ky., went out 
'cooning with a darkey. I saw the darkey aflerward and 
asked him what success he had had, and he said : 



Wir.AKD HUXOB. ^H 

"Ter see, Marse Henry said we'se *go in cahoot' Well, 
we got fo' 'coons. " 

" How did you divide ? " 

^^ Well, Marse Henry he takes two, and Marse Charlie he 
takes two, an' — " 

"What did you get?" 

" Well, I don't know," scratching his head ; then brighten- 
ing up, " I reckons I gets the ^ cahoot' " 

Stop dem Pussonalitiee. 

"Julius, s'pose dere is six chickens in a coop, and de man 
sells three, how many is dere left ? " 

" What time of day was it ? " 

" What has that got to do with it? " 

"A good deal. If it was arter dark dere would be none 
left — dat is if you happened to come along dat way." 

"Look heah, nigga, stop dem pussonalities, or I'll shy 8 
brick at dat head of youm." 

"Do you think married people are happy. Uncle Jakef 
"Dat ar' 'pends altogedder how dey enjoy demselves." 

"Sambo, dis am a magnificent day for de race.'' 

" What race, Pompey i " 

"Why, de colored race, you stupid nigga." 

A negro held a cow while a cross-eyed man was to hit her 
on the head with an ax. The negro, observing the mai/s eyes, 
in some fear inquired : "Is you gwine to hit whar you look ?" 

"Yes." 

" Den hold the cow yourself." 



515 asoBo wm 



No Social Equality for Her. 

"Ephreham, come hyar to yer ruudder, boy. Whar you 
biB?" • 

" I'se been playing wid de white folkses chilun.'* 

*^ You is, eh ! See hyar, chile, yonlJ broke yer old mudders 
heart, and brung her gray hairs in sorro' to the grave wid yer 
recklumness an' car-rings on wid evil assosayashuns. Hain't I 
raised yer up ip de way that yer should ought to go ? " 

" Yessum/' 

" Habn't I reezened wid yer an' prayed wid • yer, and 
deplored de g(K)d Lord to wrap yer iri his buzzum ? '' 

" Ycssum." 

**Habn.'t I taught yer to walk u]> in the broaU ana narrer 
path?^' 

"Yessum." 

" An' isn't 1 yer nater'l detector an' gwadjeen fo' de law?*^ 

" Yessum." . 

"Well, den, do yer s'pose Tse gwine to hab yer morals 
rectured by de white trash i No, sah ! Y or git in de house, dis 
instep ; an' if I ebber cotch your municatin' wid de white trash 
any mo', fo' God, nigga, I'll break yer black head wid a brick I" 

'* Yessum." 

** My brudders," said a waggish darkey to a crowd, "in all 
afflictions, in all ob your troubles, dar is one place you can 
always find sympathy." 

" Whar, whar ? " shouted several of his audience. 

"In de dictionary." 

No Missiaslppi for hixru 

asked an emigration agent of a Columbus (Oa.) darkey the 
other day. 



Wrr AKD HUMOB. olsi 



^^ Daf 8 jest what Fm searckm^ roun' fer. boss. I hungry 
right now.'* 

^' Well, in Mississippi the planters are paying mighty high 
prices for good work hands, and if you " — 

''Hole on dar, boss. Jes' wait. I'm a Middle Georgia 
nigger. I done been out dar. I'm a good wuk han' too. I 
wuk myself out dur, and then I turn roun' an' wuk myself 
back again, an' right here T'm gwine ter stay, if the Lord spars 
me. When I dies, I wants ter have a stomich spang full o' 
bread and meat, an' I wants ter be berried in a seminary whar 
I'm 'quainted with der folks." 

The Onffodliest Kale. 

In Forsyth one day last week, a gentleman standing in the 
street, noticed a two-mule wagon drive up to one of the stores. 
There was nothing peoiliar in this, but what particularly struck 
his attention was tlie fact that the driver — a colored man — ^had 
an exceedingly lengthy pair of reins, and was seated in the 
hindmost part of the wagon. When the team stopped* the 
negro cautiously fastened the lines to a standard and got oui 
over the hind wheel, and made a circle of forty or fifty feet to 
get to the heads of the mules. This so excited the gentleman's 
curiosity that he walked up and asked : 

" Look here, uncle, you are not crazy, are you f ^ 

** Does I look like a crazy nigger, Mars Tom ? '- 

*' Well, what in the name of common sense are you cutting 
up these antics for — ^walking almost twice around the wagon 
to get to your mules, and sitting on the 'gate ' to drive?*' 

The negro looked at the gentleman a moment and then 
burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. 

" What the do you mean ? " 

'^ Mars Tom, don't you know dat off mule dar? Dat's Mar* 
Tump Ponder's roan mule." 

^' Well, what the misdiief is the matter with that miile t ^ 



517 



hbgbo 'WIT. 



*• Why, Mars Tom, dat mule is a sight — dat mule is. She's 
the ongodliest mule in era'shan. She got some sense like white 
folks. No nigger can't come foolin' round her. Only last 
Chuesday she kick a bre's pin off a town merlatter's shirt buz- 
zum. Trufe, Mars Tom. An' de nigger don't know dat ho 
ain't done ^one an' los' it himself. Why, Mars Tom, when I 
goes to hitch up that mule, I has to put de harness on wid a 
pole, an' I has to get a. new pole ebery time. Lemme play 
with powder an' Chrismus shooters, but don' gimme no ro*" 
mule I I can't stay wid Mars Tump arter this weeL Fm too 
fon' of my famly, an' don't b'long to no church nudder.'* 






A colored philosopher thus unburdened himself on one oi 
woman's weaknesses: ''Jim, de men don't make such fools 
of demselves about women as de women do about men. B 
women look at the moon they see a man in it. If they bear a 
mouse nibbling, it's a man ; and dey all look under de bed de 
last thing at night to find a man. Why, I neber look undei 
my bed to find a woman, does you } " 

SsBj^ei^B FhfloBopfay. 

" Dey's some things I kin account for on philosophic -pTOir 
ciples," said the Rev. Mr. Jasper, of Richmond. '* Jfo^y 
dare's de telegraph." . 

^' How do you account for that ? " I asked. 

" Wall, s'pose da was a dog, and dat dog's head was iD -^^ 
boken and his tail in Brooklyn." 

" Go 'way, da am't no such dog.!' 

" Well, s'pose da was." 

^* Well, s'pose da was." 

" Well, den, de telegram is jest like dat dog. If I pincb «*t 
dog's tail in Brooklyn, what he do t " 

"Dnnna** 



ym AKD HT7M0B. 018 

** Why, if I pinch dat dog's tail in BrooUyn, he go bark in 
Hoboken. Dat^s the science of it." 

"But how do you reconcile your sun-do-move theory. 
Mr. Jasper?" I asked. 

"Bekase 'Lijah want a dam fool. Din' he told de sun to 
Stan' still } Kow ef de sun doan move — well god alnughty 

what's de use ob talking. " 

« « 
« 

"Tom, where is that ten dollar counterfeit bill yon had a 
whUe ago ? " 

"Well, Massa, I never was positive about dat ar bill. 
Some days I tink it war a bad bill ; oder days I think it war a 
good bill; so one o' dem days when I tipJea it wa/r a goodhiU 1 
jetf dim gone a/nd passed itJ*^ 

A Ck>lored Debatinsr Sooiety. 

The "Colored Debating Society," of Mount Vernon, Ohio, 
had some very interesting meetings. The object of the argu- 
ment on a particular evening was the settlement, at once and 
forever, of the question, " Which am de mightiest, de pen or 
de sword ? " 

Mr. Larkins said about as follows : "Mr. Chairman, what's 
de use ob a swoard unless you's gwyne to waar? Who's hyar 
dat's gwyne to waar? I isn't, Mr. Morehouse isn't, Mrs. 
Morehouse isn't, Mr. Newsom^ isn't ; I'll bet no feller wot 
speaks on the swoard side is any ideer ob gwyne to waar. 
Den, what's de use ob de swoard ? I don't tink dar's much 
show for argument in de matter." 

Mr. Lewman said : " What's de use ob de pen 'less you 
knows how to write? How's dat? Dat's what I wants to know. 
Look at de chillun ob Isr'l, wasn't but one man in de whole 
crowd gwyne up from Egyp' to de Promis' Lan' cood write, 
an' he didn't write much. [A voice in the audience, "Who 
wrote de ten comman'ments, anyhow, you bet" Cheers fix>m 



610 HXGBO wrr. 

the pen tide.] Wrote ^emt Wrote 'emt Not much; gueainot; 
not on Btone, honej. Might p'r^aps cat 'em wid a chisel 
Broke 'em all, anyhow, 'fore he got down de hill. Den when 
he cat a new set, de chillun ob Isr'l broke 'em all again. Say 
he did write 'em, what good was it? So his pen no 'count no- 
how. No, saar. De mjoocurd^s what fetched 'em into de 
Promis' Lan', saar. Why, saar, it's ridiculoas. Tink, saar, 
ob David a^sattin' off Gollah's head wid a pen^ saar ! De 
ideer's altogedder too 'posteroas, saar. De awoard^ saar, 
de mooard mns' win de argument, saar. " 

Dr. Crane said : ^' I tink Mr. Lewman a leede too fas'. He's 
Brspeakin' ob de times in de dim pas', when de mind ob man 
was Grade, an' de han' ob man was in de ruff state, an' not 
tone down to de refinement ob cibilized times. Dey wasn't 
edacated np to de use ob de pen. Deir ban's was only fit for 
de,ruff nse ob de sword. Now, as de modem poet says, our 
swords rust in deir cabbards, an' peas, sweet peas, cover de 
lan'. An' what has wrot all dis change ? De pen. Do I take 
a swoard now to get me a peck ob sweet taters, a pair ob 
chickens, a pair ob shoes ? No, saar. I jess take my pen an' 
write an order for 'em. Do I want money ? I don't git it by 
de edge ob de swoard ; I writes a check. I want a snit ob 
clothes, for instance — ^a stroke ob de pen, de mighty pen, de 
clothes is on de way. I'se done. " 

Mr. Newsome said: ^'Wid all dae 'spect to de learned 
genmian dat's jns' spoke, we mas' all agree dat for smoovin' 
tings off an' arlevelin' tings down, dere's netting equals de 
sword." 

Mr. Hannicat said : ^'I agrees entirely wid Mr. Newsome; 
an' in answer to what Dr. Crane says, I would jess ask what's 
de use ob drawin' a check unless you's got de money in de bank, 
or a-drawin de order on de store unless de store trass yoai 
S'pose de store do truss, ain't it easier to sen' a boy as to write 
a order t If you got no boy handy, telegraf. No use for a pen 
-not a bit Who ebber heard of Mr. Hiirs pen? Nobody. 



WIT AND HUHOB. ffSO 

saar. But his swoard, saar — de swoard ob ole Bunker Hill, 
saar — is known to ebbery chile in de lan\ If it hadden been 
for de swoard ob ole Bunker Hill, saar, wbaar'd we niggers be 
to-night, saar? whaar, saar? Not hyar, saar. In Georgia, 
saar, or wuss, saar. No cuUud man, saar, should ebber go 
back, saar, on de swoard, saar." 

Mr. Hunnicut's remarks seemed to carry a good deal of 
weight with the audience. After speeches by a number of 
"others, the subject was handed over to the "committee," who 
carried it out and "sot on it" In due time they>etumed with 
the foUowin' decision : 

"De committee decide dat de swoard has de most pints an^ 
de best backiu', an' dat de pen is de most beneficial, an' dat de 
whole ting is about a stan'-off." 

A Darkey Justice's Ourlous Decision, 

Some time ago, Nathan Jones, a colored man in whose gen- 
eral character there was a lack of laudable ambition, was ar- 
raigned before a Little Bock justice and fined. Jones went 
down in the country, became a leader among the negroes, and 
was elected justice of the peace. The .other day 'Squire Gil wig, 
before whom Jones had b^en arraigned, and whom the waves 
of politics had submerged, went down into Jones' neighbor* 
hood, drank bad whisky, and killed a man. He was arrested 
and taken before Justice Jones for examination. 

" Prisoner at de bar," said the colored justice, " de las time 
1 feasted dese judicial optics on yer fat &ce, I was in hock, 
an' yerse'f was de musical director ob de festive occasion. I 
recognized my lack of larnin', sah, an^ went ter a night school. 
My frien's soein' in me de stuff outen what big men is made, 
put me on dis liench, while yer own fnen's failin' ter see dem 
features in yerself, took yer offen-de bench. Yer is charged 
wid killin' a man. De charge am pretty well, sustained, an' 
blamed ef I see how yer's gwinter git outen dis fix." 



5S1 miOBo WIT* 

'^ Judge," said the prisoner, ^^ I am aware that I am senonsly 
situated, I fined you heavily when you were drawn up before 
me, and now, especiaUy as my crime is great, I do not expect 
mercy.'* 

^^ Yas, sah, yas. Now, my mode ob precedement is a litde 
different from dat put down in de statuary books. When a 
man what is guilty ob two crimes is arrested an' fotched afore 
me, I dischao^es him on de little crime, but holes him on de big 
one. Kow, yerse'f is guilty ob two crimes, de littlest one of 
what is killing a man." 

^ '^ I can't be charged with but one crime? " exclaimed die 
white man. 

" ril show yer in a minute. When I was afore you, arter I 
had paid my fine, what was it yer said i ^ 

' ' I don't remember. " 

" See ef yer can't ricolleck." 

" I believe I told you to keep your feet lathe path of recti- 
tude." 

'' Yas, dat's it ; an' when I axed yer ter say dat word agin, 
yer turned away an' commenced talkin' wid a lawyer. Dat 
word struck me, an' I wanted it. Arter I was elected I needed 
it, but couldn't ricolleck it. On dis account justice wus cheated, 
an' I is certain dat de higher courts hab 'versed my decisions 
case I didn't hab dat word. Kow, sah, Til dischai^ yer for 
killin'dat man." 

*' Thank you. Judge." / 

^^But I'll put yer in jail an' see dat yer's hung fbr keepin 
me outen dat word. Mr. Oonstable, put de han'ciifib on de 
lai*ned gen'leman." 

Ohsuagixig ttIi^ Namew 

The other day a young African asked us if it was ^* agin de 
law " to change his name. 'We replied that if he had a good 
name, he had better keep it, as a good name was the one thing 
to be desired in this world. 



WIT AND HUMQB. 



522 



"Tse got a putty faV name,'* he said, " w'at Pse had eb§r 
eence the war, bat it won't do for dis chile any moah," 

** Why, what's the matter with it ? " we asked. 

"Well, you see, boss, dar's a fool niggar come hyar from 
Chillicofiee, an' he^s a-buzzin' around with my name, and no 
two niggers can circumgate in de same town unless one or de 
nder ob dem hab a different procognem. " ' 

''Perhaps you can prevail on him to adopt another name.** 

'^ Ko, sah ; I offered him foah bits an' a rahsor to call hisself 
somethin' else 'sides Geowge Washin'ton Jones, »but de yaller 
fool won't do it" 
' "Yellow, is he?" 

"Yes, sah ; an' dat's what make& me injurious about it. 
He says de Joneses was de fastest family of Firginny, an' dat 
he's condescended in a direct line from dem, an' consaquenchly 
darfoah walues de name moah exceedingly dan udderwise." 

" So you propose to off with the old name and on with a 
new?" , 

" Somethin' like dat, 1 s'pose, boss. An' I wants to ax you 
de favor to sejest some disappropriate name dat'U do for a 
cnllud pusson ob standin'. I don't soshate wid de common 
iow-class niggers, and I wants a name out o' dere uncompre- 
hension — ^w'at dey can't steal, you know." 

" How'll Benedict Arnold do ? " 

"De Arnold am tonish, for suah, but dar's too many Ben- 
neys an' Dicks around. Try anudder one, boss." 

"Well, Algernon Sartoris, how's that?" 

"Dat's superlagant I Algerneyman Sartoris Arnold — dat'll 
do for the some ob de name. Please reach for anudder one, 
sah." 

" Why, that's name enough. How much do you want, foi 
goodness sake 2" 

" Boss, you must 'member dat Pse deekin in the church, an 
'prietor ob a house an' lot" 

" Oh I yes ; well— let's se&— Bill Allen I" 



o'^3 HxaBo wm 

'* Dat't too oommoiL'' 

* * Abraham Lincoln. " 

^^ Too ordinary, sah. Oit ap higher. *' 

" Phil. Sheriden 1" 

** Higher yet, sah, if you please." 

" Wm. Tecumseh Sher— " 

" Stop, sah — dat's nuflf — needn't feel no ftirder. Wilyum 
Cberkatnsey — dat sounds like ole Kaintuck — Wilyum Cher- 
kmnsey Algemeyman Sartoris Arnold.' Yes, sah, datll do- 
no low-class {ligger can get inside o' dat Yoa'se de solnm 
witness, boss, dat dat's my name from henceforth on to all pre- 
cedin' time. I'se obliged to you, sah." 

As he walked majestically away, repeating the name oyer to 
himself, he was the proudest nigger in Brunswick. And yet 
Shakespeare says there's nothing in a name. 

A negro, who was suspected of surreptitiously meddling with 
his neighbor's fruit, being caught in a garden by moonlight, 
nonplused his detectors by raising his eyes, clasping his hands, 
and piously exclaiming : ^^ Good Lord I dis yere darkey caaH 
go nowhere to pray any more without bein' 'sturbed." 

Didn't Want to Know Him. 

^^ Sam, do you know Jonah ? " asked one 'negro of another 
on returning from the prayer meeting. 

** Jonah 1 Who is he?" 

" Why, Jonah dat swallowed the whale ; don't you know 
him?" 

*' Why, dam his big-moufed soul, I doan want to know him. 
He's one of dem greedy Firginny niggers, he is 1 Why, dem 
Firginny niggers dey eat ebery ting dey get dere mouis on 1 " 

* 
*' Sambo, did you ever see the Catskill mountains i^ ** No^ 
sah, I've seen 'em kiU mioe.^^ 



WIT AND HUMOB. 524 



Tou Looks Jes Like Him. 

"Uncle Ben, how do I look ? ' asked a proud old Virginian 
as he showed his new suit of clothes to Uis favorite servant 

*'Why, you looks splendid, master, splendid. Why, you 
look as bold as a lion." 

" What do you know about a lion ? You never saw one.*^ 

" Why, yes, I did, master ; I've often seed a lion, often. '^ 

"Where, Uncle Ben?" 

" Why, down on master Johnson's jilantation, they've got 
a lion^ and you seed him, too ; I know you has." 

" Why, you old goose you, that is not a lion ; it is a jack- 
ass, and they have called him Lion." 

"Well, I don't care about dat, I don't care for dat You 
look just like him." 

» 

An elderly darkey inquired of a polioeman if he knew any- 
thing of his son Pete. 

The policeman replied that there was a young darkey in the 
lock-up for breaking up a prayer-meeting with an ax-handle. 

"Dafshim," exclaimed the overjoyed parent "He told 
me he was gwine to 'muse hisself." 



\ 



DUTCH wm 

Qoalnt Anecdotes and Blundera. 

An the dialects, the Dutch, the Irish and the negro dialects 
produce laughter, because they are instances of deformed lan- 
guage. All stammering stories will produce laughter, too, on 
account of the deformity of language. 

The simplest incident, if told with a dialect, will produce 
laughter. For instance : 

Two Germans met in San Francisco. After affectioiiate 
greeting, the following dialogue ensued : 

" Fen you said you hev arrived f ^ 

*^ Yesterday." 

^' Ton came dot Horn around ? " 

" No.^ 

** Oh! I see; you came dot isthmus across?" 

"No." 

V 

" Oh! den you come dot land over?" 

" No." 

" Den you hef not arrived?" 

" Oh, yes, I hef arrived. I come dot Mexico through/* 

Dutcli Bltmdera. 

% 

" Hans, you have frozen your nose." 
" Nein, he froze hisself , Mr. Berkins." 
'*How did it happen' Hans?" 

" I no understand dis ting. . I haf carry dot nose fordy f ^' 
unt he nefer freeze hisself before." 

626 

87 



WIT AND HUMOR. 525 

All Usping or stammering etoriee come under the heading of 
deformed language. For example : 

A country fellow who lisped, liaving bought some pigs, 
asked a neighbor for the use of a pen for a few days. Said he : 

^'Ihave jutht been purchathin thome thwine — two thowtli 
and pigth. 1 want to put them in your pen." 

'*Two thousand pigs 1 " exclaimed the neighbor; "why/ 
my pen will hardly hold a dozen.'' 

'*You don't understand me, Mr. Bent; I don't thay two 
thouthand pigths, but two thowth and pigth. '^ 

'' I hear you," said Mr. Bent — " two thousand pigs. Why, 
you must be crazy I " 

"I tell you again," exclaimed the man, angrily, '^I mean 
not two thouthand pigth, but two thowth and two pigth." 

" Oh, that is what you mean, eh ? Well, take the pen I ^ 

« « 
* 

Chinese dialect, or "pigeon English," is always very amus- 
ing. For instance, the other day I met Wang Ho, and asked 
him why Americans always like to see wrestling and lighting. 

Wang Ho looked up from his work-board very quizzically, 
and said : 

"You wank know why Melica man likee fight? Him heap 
flaid of him wifee. Melican velly fond stay out latee. Him 
wilee get heap mad — taka a poka — say, ' Me givee him fit ' — 
taka pitch ice wata — say, ' Me coole him offl' Bimeby Melican 
man come home, takee off him slioe, stealee upstay — say, ^Me 
foolee ole woman.' AUe same him wifee open him eye — ^say, 
' Ha I whe you be so latee ? Wha time you thinkee him be ? ' 
Den Melican man hiru say, * You betta leavee me lone — me 
velly bad man. Me see fightee allee night — Patsee Hogee— 
Jack Hallnee. Me heap sabe Sullivan — knock you out in a 
minute. Me sabe Muldoon — ogives you fall — bleakee you neck. 
You let up; me velly tough man — muchee wosee man Sullivan.' 
Pen him wifee hitee Melican poka, wetee him ice wata, takee 



627 DUTCJH WIT. 

him wipee de flo. Meljcan man yellee ^Maddal fi ! fi I pleeoe f 
Nexa day newspapa say heap muchee talked high life. YeDy 
bad on Melican man ; him get divooe, allee same Jim Fay— 
givee him wifee million dolla nn ketchee nndda gallee." 

*' I Iiofe an Honest Poy.** 

The. other day, onr little boy went over to Jacob Abraham's 
clothing store to get a two-dollar bill changed* By some 
mistake, Abraham made a mistake in the change — paid him 
twenty-five cents too much. 

^^We sent little Frank back to return the extra quarter^ 
which, by the way, had a hole in it Entering the store and 
holding out the money, the boy said : 

^^ You changed a two dollar bill for me, here's a quarter—* 

^^Shanged nodinks I I shanged no pills mit youP 
exclaimed Jacob, thinking Frank wanted him to take the 
quarter with the hole in it back. 

"Yes, you did, and here's a quarter — ^ 

^' Mein Oott, vas a liars I never in my life did I see sicb a 
poys. I dells you you never shanged me mit any pills,'' 

^^ Why, I was here not half an hour ago, and you gave me a 
quarter — " 

"Gif you some quarters, gif you some quarters! Got m 
hamil, young feller, do you dink I pin gone grazy mit my 
prains ? I don't gif you some quarters. Now, make yourself 
seldom, ride away, pefore I put shoulders on your head," and 
he commenced to move out from behind the counter. 

" O, you didn't give me the quarter, then 1 All right ; all 
right, squire. I'm just a quarter ahead," and he started to go 
out 

'' Now," said the German, putting himself in an attitude of 
admiration, '^ dot is vat I likes to see petter as nothings else. 
I lofe an honest poy, and I shoost been trying you, somiy. 
Yaw, it was me what makes shange mit ter pill, and I knowi 



WIT AND HUHOB. ^^S 

it all der same, but I vas drying yon. Dn bees a goot poy, 
and I gifs yon a nice pig apples for your honesty,'' and 
pocketing the quarter, he led the boy back to the rear end of 
the store, and selecting an apple about the size of a marble, he 
presented it to the boy, and patting him on the head, said : 

" Now, run along home, sonny, and tell your volks vat a nice 
p-e-a-u-t-i-f-n-l old shentleman it vas who gif you dot nice 
apples. '' 

Dutch BngllBh. 

A Oerman in Chicago who has not paid much attention to 
learning English, had a horse stolen from his bam the other 
night, whereupon he advertised as follows : 

^^ Yon nite, de oder day, ven I was bin a^ake in my shleep, 
I heare sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in my bam, and 
I out shumps to bed and runs mit the barn out ; and ven I was 
dere ooom I sees dat my pig gray iron mare he vas bin tide 
loose and run mit the staple off; and whoefer will him back 
pring, I jwA so much pay Mm as vas bin kuBhtomary." 

« « 

« 

^^I^ Schiminy, how dot boy studies de languages I '^ is 
irhat a delighted elderly Oerman said when his four year old 
Km called him a blear-eyed son of a saw-horse. 



Dutch Idea of Insoranoe. 

A New Tork Dutchman insured his home in the Hanover 
Fire Insurance Company for $4,000. The house, an inferior 
one, burned down, and the Dutchman went to President Wolcott 
to get his money. 

" But," said Mr. Wolcott, "your house is not worth $4,000. 
We will build yon another and a better house," and the com- 
pany did sa 

The nesct week one of the agents of the New York Motoal 




■•Wbo vaabdot?" (8«e pag» 621:) 



DUTOH wrr. 629 

life, which boasts of $97,000,000 of assets went to the Dutch- 
man to insnre his wife's life for $6,000. 

'' What should I insure Eatrena's life for ? " 

"Why, if you insure your wife's life for five thousand 
dollars," said the agent, " and she should die, you would have 
the sum to solace your heart" 

" Bat be dam ! " exclaimed the Dutchman. " You 'suranoe 
fellows ish all tiefs I If I insure my vife, and my vife dies, 
and I goes tp de office to get my five thousand dollars, do I gits 
all de money} No, not quite. You will say to me, ^She 
vasn't worth five thousand dollars — she vas vorth about three 
thousand dollars. If you don't like de three thousand dollars 
ve will give you a bigger and better vife, a great pig vife vot 

weighs six hundred pounds I ' " 

# # 

A perpexed Hebrew who had made a garment for a youth« 
and found himself unable to dispose of the surplus fullness, 
which appeared when trying it on the young candidate, 
declared vociferously : 

" Dot coat is goot It ish no fault of de coat Depoyistoo 
sliml" 

Lewis Defends the Flies. 

He had a fly screen under one arm and a bundle of sticky 
fly paper under the other as he entered a Michigan avenue 
saloon yesterday, and said : 

'* Why don't you keep 'em out? " 

^^ Who vosh dat?" asked the saloonist 

"Why, the pesky flies. You've got 'em by the thousand 
here, and the fly season has only begun* Shall I put fly 
screens in the doors ? " 

*'Vhatfort" 

*'To keep the flies out," 

" Why should I keep der flies out ! Flies like some chance 
84 



530 WIT AND HUMOR. 

to go aroundt und see der city, der same ash beoples. If a fl; 
ish kept oudt on der street all de time he might as vhell be a 
horse." 

"Yes; but they are a great nuisance. PU put you up » 
screen door there for $3." 

"Not any for me. K a fly vhants to come in here, und he 
behaves himself in a respectable manner, I have nothings to 
say. If he don't behave I bounce him oudt j)ooty queek, und 
don't he forget her ! " 

" Well, try this fly paper. Every sheet will catch 500 flies." 

" Who vhants to catch 'em ? " 

"I do— you — everybody." 

"I don't see it like dot^ If I put dot fly paper on der 
counter somebody comes along und wipes his nose mit it, or 
somebody leans his elbow on her und vhalks oft mit him. It 
would be shust like my boy Shake to come in und lick all der 
molasses off to- play a shoke on his fadder." 

"Say, I'll put down a sheet, and if it doesn't catch twenty 
flies in five minutes FU say no more." 

"If you catch twenty flies I have to pry 'em loose mit a stick 
und let 'em go, und dot vhas too much work. No, my friend ; 
flies must have a shance to get along und take some comfort 
I vhas poor once myself, und I know all about it." 

" I'll give you seven sheets for ten cents." 

"Oxactly, but I won't do it It looks to me like shmall 
peesness for a big man like you to go around mit some conli 
dence game to shwindle flies. A fly vhas bom to be a fly, und 
to come into my beer saloon ash often ash he likes. When he 
comes I shall treat him like a shentleman. I gif him a fair 
show. I don't keep an ax to knock him on der headt, und I 
don't put some molasses all oafer a sheet of paper und coax him 
to come und be all stuck up mit his feet until he can't fly away. 
You can pass along. I'm no such person like dot. 



DUTCH WIT. ^ £81 

A Luoid Direotlon. 

"But now, Hans," said a Chicago butcher to a Dutch farmeri 
" how can I find tlie hog that I have bought ? " 

"•You comes init mine farm." 

" But how shall I find your fann ? " 

" You shoost goes dot Clark sdhreet out and turns to de right 
till you comes to a fence mit a hole in it, den you tarns up to 
de right for a while till you sees a house and a big hog in de 
yard. Dot's me." 



"Don* I told You bo? 



•* 



*' Hallo 1" they shouted, "there's Fritz. Bring him in I " 

He was hauled up to the bar, all the time protesting. 

' ' Boys, " pleaded Fritz, ' ' let me go. I was in a quick hurry. 
Old vooman sick like the tuyval. I was come mit der doctor, 
sooner as lightnin' 1 " 

. "Well, you can take some beer while you're here, and kill 
two birds with one stone," was the reply. 

" Yas, I kill von chicken mit a couple of stones, und der old 
▼ooman die mitout der toctor; I don't forgot myself of it,- 
eh?" 

^ "Oh, she won't die. You don't get beer often, and you've 
got the old woman all the time. Fill 'em up again." 

* ' Yaas, I got her all der time, but exposin she go ded, I don't 
got her any more somedimes. It's better to go mit ter toctor, 
seldom right away." 

But he didn't go. As one glass after another was iorced 
upon him by the reckless crowd, the object of his errand was 
floated further from his vision, until it was carried out of his 
mind altogether, apd his voice, untinged with anziety, joined 
in the drinking songs, and arose above all others. 

Thus he was found by his son, late that night. The boy 
grasped him by the sleeve and said : 
38 



63^ wrr AND miMoK. 

"Fader, come home." 

Fritz turned, and at the sight of his boy a great fear arose in 
his mind, swept away the fames of beer, and bronght him to a 
sense of the situation. In an awe-struck tone he said : 

"Yawcub, how you was come here? Vas somedings ter 
matter?'' 

" Yaw," replied the boy. 

"Veil, shpoke up about it. Vas ter ole vooman — ^vas yer 
mudder — is she dade ? I can shtand dem best Don't keep 
your fader in expense, boy. Shpid it out Vas ve a couple of 
orphanses, Yawcub?" 

"Nein," answered the boy, "you vas anuder. A leedle 
baby ooom mit ter house." 

Fritz was overcome for a moment, but finally stammered 
out: 

" Vos dotr so ? I expose it vas not so soon already. Veil- 
veil, in der middle of life, we don't know what's to turn next 
up. Men exposes. Fill up der glasses " 

The boy ventured to ask the old man why he had not seen 
the doctor. 

" Vy, did she want a doctor ? Fetter she tole me so. I get 
him pooty quick. Never mind. " I safe more as ten dollar 
doctor bill on dat baby. Dot was a good shild. Fill up der 
glasses. Whooray for dat little buck baby 1 Ve von't go home 
till yesterday." 

Fritz got home at last, and was in Chestnut Hill - again in a 
' couple of days after some medicine. The boys couldn't getbim 
into the saloon this time ; he said to them : 

" You bet I tend to my peesness now." 

Not For Joseph. 

An honest Dutchman, in training up his son in the way he 
fldiould go, frequently exercised him in Bible lessons. 
On one of these occasions he asked him * 



bUTOH WIT. 688 

"Who vas it dot vould not slileep mit Botiver's vife? " 
"Shoseph." 

" Dot's a coot poj. Vel, vot vas de reason he vould not 
shleep mit her? " 
"Don't know — shpose he vasn't shleeby." 

Two Oood Ways. 

" Veil, Jake, how you use dot bug poison vot you sold me 
for a half-a-doUar a box ? " 

" You catch te pug, Yacop, and opens his mout und drops it 
in." 

" Ish dot te vay ? " 

"Yah." 

"Veil, I yoost cotch dem, tramp dem mit my foot, and kill 
dem dot vay." 

" Oh, yaJi, dat's a goot vay too. Dot ish jest as good as de 
pug powder." 

He Wajited His Helta Insured. 

A thin, cadaverous-looking German, about fifty years of age, 
entered the office of a health insurance company in New York, 
and inquired : 

" Ish te man in vot inshures de people's belts ? " 

The agent politely answered, "I attend to that business, 
sir." 

"Veil, I vants mine belts inshured ; vot you charge ? " 

"Different prices," answered tlie agent, "from three to ten 
shillings a year ; pay ten dollars a year, and get ten dollars a 
week, in case of sickness." 

" Vel," said Mynheer, "I vants ten dollars' vort" 

The agent inquired his state of health. 

"Veil, I ish sick all te time. I'se shust out te bed two, 
tree hours a tay, und te doctor says he can't do nothing more 
goot for me." 



684 WIT ASD HUHOS. 

" If thaf 8 the state of your health/' returned the agent, 
'* we can't insure it. We only insure persons who are in good 
health." 

" You must tink I'se a big fool ; vot I you tink I come pay 
you ten dollars for inshure my helt, ven IvasveU.'^^ 

" Why so gloomy this morning, Jacob ? " 
*' Ah, my poor lettle Penjamin Levi — he is tead 1 " 
*' Dead ? You surprise me. How did that happen ? " 
" Veil, you see, my lettle Penjamin he vas at der synagogue 
to say his brayers, and a boy put his het at der door and griea, 
^ Job lot I ' and lettle Penjamin — he vas gilt in der grash." 

- Der Gtoudidate. 

Who shtands der streets and gomers around 
Hit sefrel agzes to be ground, 
Und shmiledy und bowed, und nefer frowned? 

Der Gandidate. 

Who hold your hand ven you would starts 
Und told you you was mighty shmarty 
Und how he luved you mit his heart? 

Der Gandidate. 

Bli Perkins' Dutohmaa. 

A New York rough stepped into a Dutch candy and beer 
shop tKis morning, when this conversation took place : 

'' I say, Dutchy, you son of a gun, give us a mug of bee-a. 
hy hear ? " 

"' Yah, yah — ^here it ish," answered the Dutchman, brisklj 
handing up a foaming glassful. 

" Waal, naow, giv' us 'nother mug, old Switzercase I ^ 

The Cherry Street boy drank off the second glass, and starte^l 
to go out, when tlie Dutchman shouted : 

^^ Here, you pays me de monish I What for you ran 
avay I '* 



DUTOH WIT. 685 

"*I pays de monish !' What do you take me for?' 1 
doan't pay for anything. Pin a peeler — ^that's the kind of a 
man I am." 

"You ish von tam, mean, low-lived Irish son of a gun — 
that's de kind of a man I am I'' exclaimed the Dutchman. 



1^111 Vlscher'B Dutch Story. 

He is a second-hand clothier, and holds forth in South St 
Joseph. It was the hour of ten in the morning when he reeled 
into an adjoining establishment, fell into a chair, weaved his 
hands into the tangled locks of his gray hair, and rocking back 
and forth, moaned out : 

"Oh 1 dear, oh 1 dear, I ish ruined.'* 

" Vat is the matter, Jacob," asked his sympathizing brother 
in the trade, bending over him. 

'' You remember dat coat vot I paid six bits for on yeste^ 
day?" 

"Yes, I remember him." 

"Just now a man from the country comes in and asks me 
how much for dat I tells him dree dollars ; and would you 
believe it, Moses, he puts his hand right into his pocket and 
pays de full price without a word — " ' Here he lowered his voice 
to the lowest whisper — " so help me gracious, Moses, I pelieve 
he'd paid me five dollars, just the same. " 

** Jacob, how you vas swindle yourself." 

"Dat vas vot makes me hate mine self so much as never 



vas." 



» » 



An old Dutchman undertook to wallop his son, but Jake 
turned, and walloped him. 

The old man consoled himself for his defeat by rejoicing at 
his son's superior manhood. He said : 

^^Yell, Jake is a schmart fellow. He can vip his own 
tad^y.'' 



536 wrr Ain> hukob. 

- A Kansas CSty German got angry with a banker of that 
place for demanding a heavy discount, and when the banker 
asserted it was '*' business, '^ replied : 

' ' Pisiness ? Pisiness ? You sit here all day long and rob a 
man barefiEU^ before his pack^ und calls dat pisiness I '' — ^. C. 

Jov/maZ. 

« « 

A Chicago Grerman, who got excited over an account of an 
elopement of a manied woman, exclaimed : 

^' If my vife runs away mit anoder man^s vife, I vill shake 
him out of her preeches, if he be mine fodder, so help me 
gracious ! '* 

JMdn't Want to Kill hia Brother. 

** Well, sir, I like your coat very much, but don't like the 
price,'' said a gentleman to an Atlanta clothing dealer. 

'Well, mine frent, ze price is nothing so you like ze coat. 

We let you take 'em at fifteen dollars." 

»  

The customer still complains of the price, saying that fifteen 
dollars was too much. This was too heavy for the dealer, so, 
taking his customer to the extreme end of the store, and draw- 
ing him into a dark comer, he whispers in his ear, "Mine 
frent, I let you have zat coat for twelve dollars and a half! " 

"Well, sir," said the customer, "I like your coat very 
much, and am satisfied with the price, yet I would like to know 
why this mysterious performance ? " 

" Veil, mine frent, you see dot leetle man dere ? He was 
mine broder. He got ze heart disease, and so help me grar 
cious, if he was to hear me tell you I take twelve dollars and a 
half for zat coat he drop dead mit his track." 

* 
A Dutchman was about to make a journey to his fatherland, 
and wishing to say ."good-bye " to a friend, extended his hand 
and said: "Yell, ofifl don't coom back, hollo." 




■* H« drop 6mA wit bli tnck ." (Sm ptgs gn.1 



687 DirroH wrr. 



JOot Lambs Vot Mary Haf Oak 

Mary haf got a leetle lambs already ; 
Dose vool vas vile like shnow ; 
Und every times dot Mary did vend oued. 
Dot lambs vent also oued vid Mary. 

Dot lambs did follow Mary von day of der schoolhouse, 
Vich vas obbosition to der rules of der schoolmaster, 
Alzo, vich it dit caused dose schillen to schmile out loud 
Yen dey did saw dose lambs on der insides of der schoolhouia 

Und zo dot schoolmaster did kick dot lambs quick oued. 
Likewise, dot lambs dit loaf around on der outsides, 
Und did shoo der flies mit his tail off patiently aboud 
Until Mary did come also from dot schoolhouse oued. 

Until den dot lambs did run right away quick to Mary» 
Und dit make his het on Mary's arms, 
Like he would said, " I dond vas schkared, 
Mary would keep from drubbles ena how." 

" Vot vos der reason aboud it, of dot lambs und Mary ?* 
Dose schillen did ask it, dot schoolmaster; 
'' Veli doand you know it dot Mary lov dose lambs alraadyt" 
Dot schoolmaster did zaid. 

MORAL. 

• 

Und zo, alzo, vlot moral vas, 
Boned Mary's lambs' relations ; 
Of you lofe dese like she lofe dooe^ 
Dot lambs vas obligations. 



Dutoh IndifEbrence. 

^^ Sir," said a Yankee, ^^ you promised to vote for my UB* 

"Veil,'' said the Dutch member, 'vat if I did! »* 

" Well, sir, you voted against if 

"Veil, vat if I did?" 

"Well, sir, youUedl* 

•<VaU,vatif^IdidP 



WZr ABD Buuatu ^^^ 



Tha Dutoh Wltneos. 



Daring a recent trial before Justice Dougherty it was thought 
important by counsel to determine the length of time that 
certain " 2 quarters of beef, 2 hogs and 1 sheep " remained in 
an express wagon in front pf plaintiff's store before they were 
taken away by the defendant. Tlie witness under exapiination 
was a German, whose knowledge of the English language was 
very limited ] but he testified in a very plain, straight-forward 
way to having weighed the meat, and to having afterward car- 
ried it out and put it into the foresaid wagon« 

Then the following ensued : 

" State to the jury," said Lawyer E., ^^Aow long it was after 
you took the meat from the store and put it into the wagoi> 
before you took it away." 

^^ Now, I shoost cand dell dat I dinks 'bout dwelve feet 
I not say nearer as dat" 

" You don't understand me. Sow long was it from the 
time the meat left the store, and was put into the wagon, be- 
fore it was taken away by the defendant ? " 

'' Now, I know not what you ax dat for. Der vagon he vas 
badk up mit der sidevalk^ and dat's aJioost so long as it vas. 
You dell me how long der sidevalk vas. Den feet ? Dvelve 
feet ? Den I dells you how long it vas." 

^' I don't want to find out how wide the sidewalk was, but I 
want to know" (speaking very slowly), fuyw — long — this — 
meat — was — in — the — wagon — before — it — was — taken 
away?" 

^' Oh ! Yell, now, I not sold any meat so. I all time weigh 
him ; never measured meat not yet But I dinks 'bout dree 
feet." (Here the spectators and his honor and the jury smiled 
audibly). ^' I know not, shentlemens, how is dis. I dell you 
all I can, so good as I know." 

'^ Look here, I want to know how long it was before the 
meat was taken away after it was put into the wagonl" 



589 DUTOH wrr. 

" Now you try and get me in a scrape. Dot meat vm 
ahoost so long m der vagan as he vas in der shop. Daf s 
all I told you. He don't got no longer in den dousan' year, 
not mooch." 

** That will do," said the lawyer. — N. O. limes. 

Dyin Vords of Isaao. 

Yhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dhere lifed py dot Clark 
Sdhreet a shentlemans who got some names like Isaacs ; he 
geeb a doting store, mit goots dot vit you yoost der same like 
dhey vas made. Isaacs vas a goot fellers, und makes goot 
pishness on his hause. Yell, thrade got besser as der time he 
▼as come, und dose leedle shtore vas not so pig enuiF like 
anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he locks out und leaves der 
pblace. 

Now Yacob Schloffenheimer vas a shmard feller, und he 
dinks of he dook der olt shtore he got good pishness und dose 
olt coostomers von Isaac out Yon lay dhere comes a shentle- 
mans on his store, und Yacob quick say of der mans, ^'How 
you vas, mein freund ; you like to look of mine goots, aind it?" 
"Nein," der mans say. *'Yell, mein ireund, it makes me 
notting troubles to show dot goots." "Nein; I dond vood buy 
sometings totay." "Yoost come mit me vonce, mein freund, 
und I show you sometings, und, so hellub me gracious, I dond 
ask you to buy dot goots." '' Yell, I told you vat it vas, I donci 
vood look at some tings yoost now ; I keeps a livery shtable, 
und I likes to see mein old freund, Mister Isaacs, und I came 
von Kaintucky, out to see him vonce." " Mister Isaacs ? Yell, 
dot is pad ; I vas sorry von dot. I dells you, mein freund, 
Mr. Isaacs he vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not 
mit us eny more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped,*und vas 
dyin', he says of me, ' Yacob ' (dot ish mine names), und I goes 
me ofer mit his pet-side, und he poods his hands of mine, uod 



WIT AND HUMOB. 540 

be says of me, ^ Yacob, ofer a man he shall come von Eain 
tacky out, mit ret hair, und mit plae eyes, Yacob, sell him 
dings cheab,' and he lay ofer und died his last" 

H6w **8ookery" Set a Hen. 

The following is given as a fine example of Dutch dialect : 
I dell you all apout vot dook blace mit me lasht summer; 
you know — oder uf yu dond know, den I dells you — dot Ka- 
trina (dot is mine, vrow) and me, ve keeps some shickens for a 
long dime ago, un von tay she sait to me, " Sockery " (dot is 
mein name), '' vy dond you put some aigs unter dot olt pine 
hen shickens? I dink she vants to sate.'' ^^YeU," I sait, 
^^maype I guess I vill." So I bicked oud some uf de best 
aigs, und dook um oud do de pam fere de olt hen make her 
nesht in de side uf de haymow, pout fife six veet up. Now 
you see I nefer vas fery pig up und town, put I vas booty pig 
all the vay arount in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I 
vent und got a parrel do stant on. Yell I klimet me on de 
parrel, und ven my hed rise up py de nesht, dot old hen she 
gif me such a bick dot my nose runs all ofer my face mit plood ; 
and ven I todge pack, dot plasted olt parrel het preak, und I 
vent town kershlam. Py cholly, I didn't tink I kood go insite 
a parrel pefore ; put dere I vos, und I fit so dite dot I koodn't 
git me out efery vay. My fest vas bushed vay up unter my 
arm-holes. Yen I fount I vas dite shtnck, I holler, '^Katrinal. 
Eatrina.! " Und ven she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel 
up to my arm-holes, mit my face all plood und aigs, py cholly, 
she chust lait town on de hay, und lait, und laft, till I got so 
mat I sait, *' Yat you lay dere und laf like a olt vool, eh i Yy 
dond you koom bull me oud i " Und den she set up und sait, 
"Oh, vipe off your cliin, und bull your fest town." Den she 
lait pack und laft like she vood shblit herself more as efer. 
Mat as I vas, I tought to myself, Eatrina, she shbeak English 
booty goot ; but I only sait, mit my greatest dignitude, ^' Ka- 



DUTOH WIT. 541 

tiina, yill yon bull me ond dis parrel ? " CTnd she see dot I 
look booty red, und she sait, "Ov course I vill, Sockery.'' 
Den she lait me und de parrel town on our site, und I dook 
holt de door-sill, und Katrina she bull on de parrel ; but de 
first bull she made I yelled '^Donner und blitzen I shtop dat, 
by choUy ; dere is nails in deparrd /" You see de nails bent 
down ven I vent in, bat ven I koom oud dey shtick in me all 
de vey rount. Veil, to make a short shtory long, I told Ka- 
trina to go und dell naypor Hansman to pring a saw und saw 
me dis parrel ofi. Yell, he koom, und he like to shblit him- 
self mit laf too ; but he roll me ofer, und saw de parrel all de 
vay aroant off, und I git up mit half a parrel arount my vaist 
Den Eatrina, she say, ^'Sockery, vait a little till I get a battem 
of dot new oferskirt you haf on." But I didn't salt a vord. I 
shust got a nife, und vittle de hoops o% und shling dot con- 
fountet oil parrel in de voot-pile. 

Pimepy ven I koom in de house, Eatrina, she sait, so soft 
like, "Sockery, dond yor goin' to but some aigs unter dot olt 
plue hen?" Den I sait, in my deepest woice, "Katrina, uf 
you efer say dot to me again I'll git a pill from you, so help 
me chiminy craeious ! " und I dell you she didn't say dot any 
more. Veil, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond shtep on it 
"—I git a pox, — Poultry Monthly. 

Bube Hoffensteln's Oourtdhlp. 

"Herman, do you still go around mit Rachel Goslinski?" 
said Hofienstein. 

"Yes, sir," replied the clerk. Idakesherout somedimes 
ven I don't got nodding to do." 

"Veil, you must keep on daking her oud, because she vas 
velty, you know, und you don't find dem often dese days. Ven 
I vas making love mit my vife, Leah Heidenheimer, I haf a 
great deal of drouble, but I nefer veakens. Old man Moses 
Heidenheimer's blaoe vas in de gountry about von mile from 



MS WIT AND HUHOft. 

\ 

Vickspnrg, and I used to go oud dere to see Leah. Yon day. 
vile I V08 baying a visit to Leah, her leetle broder Levi gomes 
running in de house to his fader und says : ^ Pa, de old prindle 
cow has proke de fence all down, and vas in de field mit de 
com.' 

*^I dinks it vill make a good imbression on old Heiden- 
heimer, und I says : ^ Misder Heiilenheimer, you sday in de 
house und I vill go und drive de cow avay.' Leah she says : 
"Mr. Hotfenstein, you petter had keep avey, from de cow. 
She vill chase you all around.' * Never mind, Miss Leah,' I 
says ; ' I never get sgared in anyding,' un ven I started out to 
de field, Old Moses Heidenheimer deUs me to bust de cow vide 
oben mit a sdick, und I says I vill. Leetle Levi Heidenheimer 
comes along mit me, undil ve get to vere de cow vas. 

" I dinks uf vat a man dells me vonce, imd dat vas to look 
at a vild beast in de eye und frown und it vill run avay. Her- 
man, venever a man dells you dat, you dell him he vas a liar. 
i looked at de cow, und I frowns, but she don't do nodding 
I gets a leedle closer, and I frowns some more, und vat you 
dink, de next minute de cow runs at me. Shust as I turns 
around myself to get out of de vay de cow hits me mit her head. 

"My gr-r-acious, Herman, it vas derrible. I feels dat I vas 
disconnected from myself, und for a vile I dinks dat my head 
was in New Jersey and my legs vas in de Bocky Mountains. 
De cow hits me a couple uf dimes more mit her head, und I gets 
up and runs dwice faster den I efer did, und de cow comes 
right afder me. At last I gets to a bersimmon sapling vot vas 
no lai^r den my arm, und I vent up de saplmg. Yen I gets 
up de sapling I looks around und sees leetle Levi Heiden- 
heimer sitting on de fence swinging his sore foot around, und 
I dells him to get a sdick und make de cow go avay. He asks 
me if I dinks he vas a lunadick, und den he svings his foot 
some more und vistles, und afder avile he dells me as long as 
I keeps my grip und de sapling don't preak, dare vas no 
danger. 



DUTOH wrr. 048 

"De voret of it vas Jacob Heidinsfelder, who vas also in love 
mit Leah, comes along und sees de fix I vas in. I asks him to 
make de cow go avay, und he says, * Vait, Rube, undil I go up 
to de house und get old man Heidenheimer.' Yell, Herman, 
it vas an hour before I got down from vere I vas, und Leah und 
all uf dem laughed r.boud it, but I shust keeps on making love 
mit her undil ve vas married. Regollect, Herman, vile you 
vas, gourting Bachel Goslinsky, dond't get discouraged. A 
veak heart never wins noding.'^ — New Qrlecms Times. 



Dot Sohmall Leetle Baby. 

• 

Drue as I leev, most efery day 
I laugh me vild to saw der way 
My Bchmall young baby drie to play- 
Dot funny leetle baby. 

Yen I look of dem leetle toes, 
Und see dot funny leetle nose 
Und hear der way dot rooster crows, 
I Bchmile like I vas grazy. 

Sometimes der oomes a leetle schquall. 
Dot's yen der vindy wind will crawl 
Bight on his leetle schtomack sohmall. 
Dot's too bad for der baby. 

Dot makes him sing at night so schveet 
And gorrybarric he must ead, 
Und J must chump shpry on my feet 
To help dot leetle baby. 

He bulls my nose und kicks my hair, 
Und grawls me ofer eferywhere, 
Und shlobbers me ; but vot I care ? 

Dot vos my schmall young baby. 

Around my head dot leetle arm 
Vos schquozin me so nice and warm— 
Oh I may dere never come some harm 
To dot schmall leetle bal^ 



M4 WIT AHD HDMQB. 



" Dot Ijeedle JjoweezA.** 

Charta F. Adamt 
How dear to. dis heart vas mine grand8hil4, Loweeza, 
Dot shveetleedle taughter of Yawcot), mine son ! 
I nefer vas tired to hug and to shqueeze her 
Vhen home I gets back, und der day's vork yob done, 
Vhen I vas avay, oh, I know dot she miss me, 
For vhen I come homevards she rushes bell-mell, 
Und poots oup dot shveet leedle mout'for to kiss me— 
Her ** darlin oldt gampa " dot she lofe so velL 

Katrina, mine frau, she could not do mitoudt her. 
She vas sooch a gomfort to her day py day ; 
Dot shild she made efry von happy aboudt her. 
Like sunshine she drife all dher droubles avay ; 
She holdt der vool yam vhile Katrina she vind it. 
She pring her dot camfire bottle to shmell ; 
She fetch me mine pipe, too, vhen I don'd can find it^ 
Dot plue-eyed Loweeza dot lofe me so velL 

How ehveet vhen der toils off der veek vas all ofer, 

Und Sunday vas come mit its quiet and rest, 

To vaik mit dot shild 'mong der daisies und clofer, 

Und look at der leedle birds building dhair nest! 

Her pright leedle eyes how dhey shparkle mit bleasure- 

Her laugh it rings oudtshust so clear as a bell ; 

I dink dhere vas nopody haf sooch a treasure 

As dot shmall Ldweeza, dot lofe me so velL 

Vhen vinter vas oome, mit its ooldt shtormy wedder, 
Katrina und I've musd sit in der house 
Und talk off der bast, by de fireside togedder. 
Or play mit dot taughter of our Yawcob Strauss, 
Old age mit its wrinkles pegins to lemind us 
Ye gannot shtay long mit our shildren to dwell ; 
Budt soon ve shall meet der poys left behind us, 
Und dot shveet Loweeza, dot lofe us so velL 



A Dutch Notioe. 
In a Dutch saloon on Cherry street is this notioe : 

• Took NotaLs! 

• 

• Mebbe you don't'petter had loaf roundt here veo • 
lyoa don't got some peasnis — ain't it. 



• 



DUTOH WIT* MA 

** Yocop, how you vaz? " asked a Yankee of a Dutchman, 
at the same time imitating the broken Dutch. 

'^ See here, Mr. Shones, ven some mans slaps me on the 
shoulder un says : "I vas glad to hear you vas so veil,' und 
den sticks behind my back lus fingers to his nose, I haf my 
opinion of dot veiler.*' 

Vas Bender Henshpeoked ? 

Von Boytt, 

Any shentleman vot vill go round pehind your face, und 
talk in front of your back apout sometings, vas a svindler. I 
.heared dot Brown says veek before next apout me I vas a 
henshpecked huspand. Dot vas a lie 1 De proof of de eating 
vas in de puddings. I am married tventy year already, und I 
vas yet not paid-headed. I don't vas ooader some pettygoats 
gofemments ; shtill I tinks it vas petter if a feller vill insult 
mit his wife und got her advices apout sometings or oder. 

Dem American vomans don't know sometings nefer apout 
his huspanf s peeness, und vhen dem hait times comes, und 
not so much money comes in de house, dot makes not some 
tifierence mit her- Shtill she moost have vone of dot pull 
pack-in -de-front hoop-skirt-petty goats, mit ever kind trimmings. 
Pooty soon dot huspant gets pankerupted all to pieces. Dey 
send for de doctor ; und vhen de doctor c-omes de man dies. 
Den dot vomans vas opliged to marrj'^ mit anoder mans vot 
she don't maype likj rait four or six shildrens, on account oi 
his first vife already, und possobably vone or two mudders-by- 
law — vone second-handed, und de oder a shtep-mudder-out-law. 
Den she says mit herself, "I efen vi&h dot I vas dead a little.*' 

Now if a Chermans goes dead, dot don't make a pit of tiffer- 
ence. Nopody would hardly know it, except maype himself. 
His vife goes mit de peesness on shust like notings has hap- 
pened to somepody. 

American vomans and Cherman vomans vas a tifferent kind 
of peobJes. For inshtinct, last year dot same feller, Mr. Brown, 



546 wn* AVD HUicoB. 

goes mit me in de putcher peesness togeiler. He was Amer 
ican man — so vas his vife. Yell, many time vhen efeiy peo- 
bles has got de panic pooty bad, dot vomans comes to het 
hnspant and says she moost have money. Den she goes out 
riding mit a carriages. 

Yonce on a time, Brown says to me, ^^ Fender, I vouldn't be 
hensh pecked/' ' So he vent o£^ und got himself tight — shost 
pecause his vife tells him, blease don't do dot. Den he sits 
down on his pack mit de floor, nnd if I am not dere dot time 
he never vould got home. 

Yell, dot night, me und my vife, ve had a little talk apont 
sometings; und de next tay I says to Brown, ^^Look here 
vonst I My vife she make sausages, und vorks in dot shtore ; 
also my taughter she vorks py de shtore und makes head- 
skeeses ; und your vife vas goins out riding all de times mit de 
horses-car, nnd a patent-tied-pack cardinal shtriped shtockinga. 
Now your vife moost go vork in de shtore und cut peefshteaks, 
und make sauerkraut, or else ve divide not equally any morr 
dot profits." 

Yell, Brown goes home und he tells his vife apout doL 
Den she comes pooty quick mit Brown around, and ve had a 
misundershtanding apout sometings, in vich efeiybody took a 
part, including my leetle dog Kaiser. Pooty soon up comes a 
policemans und arrests us for breeches of promise to keep de 
pieces, und assaulting de battery, or sometings. Den de firm 
of Bender & Brown vas proke up. I go apout my pessness, 
und Brown goes mit his peesness. My vife she helps in de 
shtore. His vife goes ridiug mit de horses-cars, und efery 
nights site vas py de theatre. 

Yot's de gonseqiiences ? Along comes dot Centennial panic. 
Dot knocks Brown more higher as two kites, py Ohimminy ! 
My income vas sbtill more as my outcome. But Brown, he 
goes 'round dot shfcreet mit his hands out of his pockets, und 
he don't got a cent to his hack. 



iSZDMEN'S WIT AND PATHDS. 

Domestio Jokes and Aneodotes. 

An Indiana man wagered ten dollars, that he could ride 
the fly-wheel m a saw-mill, and as his widow paid the bet she 
remarked : 

'^ William was a kind husband, but he didn't know muob 
about fly-wheels. '' 

Bll Perk^' Toun^r Hbuaekeeper. 

A young married lady went into Fulton Market the day be- 
fore Christmas, and, stepping up to a poultry-dealer, asked 
the price of chickens." 

*' Twenty-four cents a pound," said the dealer, 

^^ Tough and tender all the same price? " inquired the lady. 

*' Yes, here are six — all the same price." 

*' Could yon pick out three very tough ones for stewing?" 
asked the lady. 

^^ Certainly, madame," said the dealer, glad to get a chance 
.to sell his tough poultry. " Here are three very tough ones ; 
iust right for stewing. They would never boil to pieces." 

** And the other three are too tender for stewing, are they ?'* 
asked the lady, half-regretfnlly. ^^I don't see any difference 
in them." ' 

'' O, I can tell the tough from the tender," said the butcher, 
pressing them with his hands. ^^ I never make a mistake." 

•*Then," said the lady, " I'll take the three tender ones, I 
guess, for Fm looking for tender broilers. I'm a young house- 



«<*» 



548 WIT Ain> HUMOB. 

keeper, you know, and don't know mncn aoont marketing. 
You can sell those tough chickens to some smarc old boarding> 
house keeper who knows how to market" 

* 
"John Henry," said his wife, with stony severity, ''I saw 

you coming out of a saloon this afternoon." 

*' Well, madam," replied the obdurate John, "you wouldn't 

have me stay in there all day, would you ? " 

The Woman's Idea of It. 

A Northern lady desirous of locating in San Antonio, en- 
deavored to purchase a residence from one of our leading citi- 
zens, but thought the price too high. 

"Too high I" yelled the owner, "too high, with three 
saloons at regular intervals on the road to church, a peach- 
orchard with a fence easy to get over close at hand, and there 
hasn't been a policeman seen in the neighborhood for the last 
five years ! Why, madam, it doesn'^ look to me like you was 
tiying to become one of us." 

The next day the stranger looked at another house owned 
by a San Antonio woman. 

'* Do yon want it, madam ? " she asked. 

^^'SOy madam, the rent is too high. 

**Well, look at the neighborhood," replied the woman. 
"You can borrow flat-irons next door, coifee and tea across 
the street, flour and sugar on the corner, and there's a big 
pile of wood, belonging to tfie school-house right across the 
aUey 1 " 

The Northern lady took the house. 

Wifel Wifel 

A man coming home one night rather late, a little more 
than "half-seas-over," feeling thirsty, procured a glass ol 
water and drank it In doing so he swallowed a small ball d 



woiCBS. 649 

silk that lay in the bottom of the tumbler, the end of the 
thread catching in his teeth. Feeling something in his mouth, 
and not knowing what it was, he began to pull at the end ; 
and the little ball unwinding, he soon had several yards of 
thread in his hand, and still no end, apparently. Terrified, 
he shouted at the top of his voice, ** Wife 1 wife I I say, wife, 
come here I I am all unraveling.'' 

« * 

Eli Perkini. 

** What will you sell this chicken for? " asked a young house- 
wife of a smart New York butcher. 

''I'll sell it for a profit, mam," replied the smart butcher. 

" O, I don't want to buy Prophets and Patriarchs. Nothing 
older than tender Priests take in our house," replied the 
woman. 

How a Woman Does Buaineas. 

About one o'clock in the afternoon I went into the office of 
an evening paper, to leave an advertisement for my theatrical 
friend. A young woman was the sole occupant of the apart- 
ment before I entered. She was sitting behind the counter 
when I opened the door, and came forward to meet me, with a 
sort of " none-ofyour-familiarity, -young-man " air. The fol« 
lowing dialogue ensued : 

I — ** What will twenty lines cost, every day for a week!" 

She— "Twenty lines?'* 

I— "Yes." 

She— "For a week?" 

I — "Yes ; a whole week." 

She— " Every day ? " 

I — " Yes. Every minute and every hour in the day, and 
every day in the week." 

She— "Twenty Unes?" 

I — "Yes ; twenty lines, every minute and every hour in the 
day, and every day in the week." 



550 WtT AUD UUM0&. 



She — "You mean twenty lines, six days, efoeni day !* 

I (excitedly)—" Yes." 

She (calmly) — "But we don't print Sundays." 

I (in a frenzy) — " I know it." 

She (with exasperating coolness) — " To begin to-day. The 
paper's out to-day. Will to-morrow do ? " 

I (walking up and down the floor, trying not to 8wear)^"It 
ain't to go in till* next week." 

By this time she had got her pencil down on a piece of 
paper. 

She—" Two dollars and a half.'* 

I— "All right. Give me a bilL'* 

She— "A what?" 

I — " A bill — a William — ^a bill for the advertisemeDt.'* 

She — " O, you want to pay in advance ? " 

I— "No, I'm d d if I do. I want a biU.'' 

She (suddenly)—" Hold on a minute. I have made a mi» 
take. Did you say twenty lines, six days, every day ? " 

I (in deadly fear of having to go over it all again) — "Yes, 
in heaven's name, yes ! " 

She—" O ! That will be eigU dollars and a half." 

That settled it I rushed out of the oflGlce, ran to my room, 
snatched my valise, and bolted for the New York train. K 
my friend's company don't do a good business this week, I 
suppose he will lay it all to me. Well, let him I I escaped 
with my life, and I won't murmur now, whatever betide. 

A Woman's Letter. 

This letter may be called a sample of pure, practical, womanly 
affection : 

"My Dear husband, — I got here last night all sate and was 
met at the station by uncle and aunt They were so glad i 
had come, but were sorry you were not along. I miss you «' 
mach* We had hot rolls for breakfast this morning and the; 



WOMEN. 551 

^ere so delicious. I want you to be so happy while I am here. 
Don^t keep the meat upstairs, it will surely spoil. Do you 
miss me now ? Oh ! if you were only here, if but for an hour. 

Has Mrs. O'R brought back your shirts? I hope the 

bosoms will suit you. You will find the milk tickets in the 
dock. I forgot to tell you about them when I came away. 
What did you do fest evening ? Were you lonesome without 
me ? Don't forget to scald the milk every morning. And I 
wish you would see if I left the potatoes on the pantry. If I 
did they must be sour by this time. How are you getting 
along f Write me all about it. But I must close now. Oceans 
of love to you. Affectionately your wife. 
P. 8. — Don't set the teapot on the stove. 

She Finds a Gentle Horaew 

EU Perktm. 

My wife, having been run away with once, is always afraid 
the horse is going to run away with her again. Yesterday 
when Harrington, who runs the Maplewood Hall stables, 
brought up a span, he had to stand the usual questioning : 

" Now, are they very gentle ? " . 

"Oh, certamly — ^kind as kittens." 

" Did they ever run away ? " ' 

"Never." 

Harrington looked at the horses sadly, and said : " Madame, 
to be frank with you, I don't think they could." 

" Well, have they ever been frightened ? " 

" No, never. Nothin' could frighten 'em, " said Harrington. 

"Has anything ever happened to them that would have 
fa^htened them if they had been skittish ? " continued my wife 
earnestly. 

"Well, yes, ma'am ; su'thin' did happen thuther day thai 
would have skeered 'em ef they'd been skittish." 

"What, Harrington— what ? " 

" Why, I was drivin' along down the Woolsey hill ; storm 



Sr52 WIT AND HUMOR. 

came up, an' six streaks of lightnin' struck thsm horses right 
on the head, and " 

"Did they run?" 

"No, ma'am; they didn't move; tliey jest stood still and 
pawed the ground for more lightnin'. They liked it. An' 
the next day/' continued Harrington, "a city feller was drivin' 
this team, an' he let a railroad train go right through 'em." 

"Did it kill them?" 

"No, but the city feller was all used up. But yo oughter a 
seen them horses. They acted so human like. Why, when 
they picked them out of the trees, they walked straight up to 
the city feller, took him by the seat of his pantaloons " 

"Oh, my I" 

"Lifted him right back into the wagon again, and " 

" My gracious me ! " 

"And then they hitched themselves back onto the wagon 
and drove themselves home. Didn't they, Mr. Kettle ? " 

A Green Bay woman, whose husband kicks her down stairs 
every night, says she likes to look over his old letters com- 
mencing with "My dearest, darling, little angel, Minnie, 
Heaven alone knows the depths of my love for you." 

Da Tell. 

To see how little the old New England grandmother thinks 
when you are reading to her. I read the following account to 
an old New Bedford woman from the Boston Herald. Hold- 
ing the newspaper bottom side up I commenced : 

"Last night, yesterday morning, about one o'clock in the 
afternoon, before breakfast, a hungry boy, about forty years 
old, bought a big custard for a levy, and threw it through a 
brick wall nine feet thick, and jumping over it, broke his right 
ankle off above his left knee, and fell into a dry mill pond and 
was drowned. About forty years after that, on the same day^ 



WOMEN. 558 

an old cat had i4ne turkey gobblers ; a high wind blew Yankee 
Doodle on a frying pan, and killed a sow and two dead pigs 
at Boston, where a deaf and dumb man was talking to his 
Aunt Peter/' Whereupon the oM lady, taking a loag breath, 
exclaimed : 
^^DuteUl^' ^ 

r 

The Old New Bedford Woman. 

New Bedford, Massachusetts, is a quaint old town, inhabited 
mostly by people who have made their fortunes in the whale- 
fisheries. It is a very old-fashioned town. Many of the people 
are even to this day burning sperm-oil instead of petroleum. 
It is here that the Bostonians pick up old andirons, old iron 
chests, old Delft plates, and old three-legged chairs with such 
straight backs that no one can sit in them, and take them up 
under the shadow of Bunker fliU Monument and label them 
*' Art Furniture." 

It was here in New Bedford that I met an old woman who 
had never used a coal-oil lamp. She didn't even know what 
petroleum was. 

^' You say they dig this new-fashioned kerosene oil out of the 
ground?" she asked, as she pecked away #ith a pin at her 
whale-oil luminary. 

''No, it runs out of the ground, and sometimes it spurts 
sevfenty-five feet into the air — a regular oil fountain," I said. 

" And they are burning this oil out West, in New York and 
Pennsylvania ? " inquired the old lady, with a puzzled look 

" Yes, burning it all over the world." 

" In place of whale-oil ? " 

" Why, whale-oil will be entirely superseded in a few years 
more." I said. 

"And the people won't burn it? " 

"No ; petroleum will take its place." 

"Oh, dear, it's too bad!" mourned the old lady, as she 
wiped her spectacles with a red bandanna handkerchiel 



664 wrr ajid Huicoii. 

"What is too bad?'' I asked. 

"Well, I'm thinking, when this new-fangled petroleum 
takes the place of whale-oil all over the world, what will the 
poor whales do for a livin' ?'* 

A Connecticut man who believes in self-improvement, sug* 

gested to his wife recently that thej should argue some 

question frankly and freely every morning, and try to learn 

more of each other. The question for the first night happened 

to be, "Whether a woman could be expected to get along 

without a hat," and he took the affirmative ; but when he was 

last seen, he had climbed up into th.e hay-loft and was pulling 

the ladder up after him, 

* * 

*^You low, drunken fellow } " exclaimed a poor woman to 
her husband ; "you are always in the saloons, getting drunk 
with hot punch, while I am at home with nothing to drink bat 
cold water." 

"Ck>ld, you silly woman I " hiccoughed her husband ; "whjf 
don't you warm it ? " 

Breakftist at Eionie. 

^^Well, Kadame," says the head of the house, who has 
apparently got out of bed on the wrong side, " what have you 
got for breakfast this morning 2 Boiled eggs, eh ? Seems to 
me you never have anything but boiled eggs. Boiled Erebus I 
And what else, madame, may I ask i " 

"Mutton chops, my dear," says the wife timidly. 

" Mutton chops I " echoes the husband, bursting into a peal 
of sardonic laughter. " Mutton chops I I could have guessed 
it. By the living jingo, madame, if I ever eat another meal 
inside of this house — ^" and jamming on his hat and slamming 
the door, the aggrieved man bounds down the stairs and betakes 
himself to the restauranL 



WOMEH. 688 

'^ Whatll yon have, sir t '^ says the waiter, politely, handing 
him the bill of fare. 

^^Ahl'' says the guest, having glanced over it| ^Met me 
see I Bring me two boiled eggs and a mutton chop I " 

« 

A ifian, who was sentenced to be hung, was visited by his 
wife, who said : ^^ My dear, would you like the children to see 
you executed ? " 

"No,'' replied he. 

"That's just like you," said she, ^^you never wanted tihd 

children to have any enjoyment'* 

* « 

* 

"Yes, Job suffered some," said an Iowa farmer, "but he 
never knew what it was to have his team run away and kill 
his wife right in the best season, when hired gals want three 

dollars a week." 

* « 

* 

"Yes, I want my daughter to study rhetoric," replied a 

Vermont mother, "for she can't try pancakes now without 

smoking the house all up." 

# 
"How is your husband this afternoon, Mrs. Swiggs t " 
" Why, the doctor says as how as if he lives till the momin' 

he shall have some hopes of him ; but if he don't, he must give 

him up." 

She Felt Ijoneaome. 

The second night after her first husband died, she sat by the 
open chamber window, waiting and watching. 

"What are you watching so intently out of the window I " 
asked a sympathetic neighbor. 

"Pve been waiting here," said the bereaved one, "for five 
hours for them cats to begin fighting in the back yard," and then 
she mused to herself: 



666 WIT AND HUMOR. 

^^ This thing of going to sleep without a quarrel of some kind 
is so new that I can't stand it ; Jjet me alone till thej begin ; 
then I can doze off gently I " 

Saratoga Spring Fashions. 

For the benefit of many young ladies who did not go to 
Saratoga, that beautiful spot 

'^ Where the weary oease from troubling, and the wicked are at rest,** 

I send the following account of the latest watering-place fash- 
ions t 

^^ Shoes are worn high in the neck, flounced with point 
aquille lace, cut on the bias. High heels are common iu 
Saratoga, especially in the hop room. Cotton hose are very 
much worn, some of them having as many as three holes in 
them. 

^^ Bonnets — are worn high — none less than $35. They 
are made high in the instep and cut d4coUetS in front, trimmed 
with the devilknowswhat. Low neck bonnets with paniers 
are no longer worn. The front of the bonnet is now invari- 
ably worn behind. 

" Lovers — are once more in the fashion. They are worn on 
the left side for afternoon toilets, and directly in front for even- 
ing ball-room costume. A nice thing in lovers can be made 
of hair (parted in the middle), a sickly moustache, bosom pin, 
cane and sleeve buttons, dressed in checked cloth. Giant in- 
tellects are not fashionable in Saratoga this season. The broad, 
massive, thick skull is generally preferred. The old lover 
trimmed with brains, character, and intelligence are no longer 
worn. 

"Dresses — are not worn long — none over two days. 
They are trimmed with Wooster street sauce, looped up witli 
Westchester county lace, with monogram on 'em. Shake wel' 
and drink while hot Inclose twenty-five cents for circular. 

"£u Ds Perkins, Modist'' 



WOMEN.' 667 



Not Quite Harmontom. 

They drove into town Monday behind a croes-eyed mule and 
a sprained horse. Tliey looked contented, but one mem})er of 
the party was the head of the house, for she handled the 
ribbons, and when they halted she hitched the team, while he 
stood demurely by and took the basket of eggs and her shop- 
ping satchel as she handed them out. They disposed of their 
produce at the grocery, and then entered a dry goods store. 

Slie made a few trifling purchases of thread, pins, needles, 
and such things, and then called for two knots of yam. 

^'That won't be enough, Mary/' said the man, plucking at 
her dress. , 

^^ I guess I know what Fm buying," she retorted. 

"But it a'n't' more'n half what you've had afore," he per- 
sisted. 

" Wal, that's none o' your business ; these socks are goin' 
to be for me, and if I want 'em short you can have your'n 
come way up to your neck if you want to." 

The old man bowed to the inevitable with a long sigh as his 
partner turned to the clerk and said : 

'*Two yards of cheap shirting if you please." 

"That a'n't enough, Mary," said the old man, plucking at 
her dress again. 

"Yes 'tis." 

"No, ita'n't" 

"Wall, it's all you'll git," she snapped. 

"Put it up then, mister/' said he, turning to the clerk 
"put it up, and we won't have any." 

" Who's doin' this bujrin' I should like to know? " hissed 
the woman. 

"You are, Mary, you are," he admitted; "but you can't 
palm off no short shirts on me. ' 

You act like a fool, John Spiner." 



44 



068 WIT AND HUMOIL 

^^Mebbe I do, Maiy, but Til be darned to gosh if FIl have 
half a shirt — ^no, not if I go naked." 

^'Wall, I say two yards is enoogh to make any one two 
shirts," she snapped. 

*'Mebbe that's enough for you, Mary," he said, very quietly; 
^^ p'raps you can git along with a collar button and a neck 
band, but that a'n't me ; and I don't propose to freeze my legs 
to save eight cents." 

^^Git what you want, then!" she shrieked, pushing him 
over the stool ; ^'git ten yards, git a hull piece ; git a dozen 
pieces if you want 'em, but remember that I'll make you sick 
for this." 

"Four yards, if you please, mister — four yards," said he to 
the clerk ; " and just remember," he continued, " if you hear 
'em findin' me with my head busted, friz to death ia a snow 
drift, just remember that you heard her say she'd make me 
sick." 

And grasping the bundle, he followed his better half out the 
door. 

An Sbctraordlnary "Woman. 

Angry wife (time 2 a.m.) — Is that you, Charles? 

Jolly husband — ^Zash me ! 

Angry wife — Here have I been standing at the head of the 
stairs these two hours. Oh I Charles, how can you % 

Jolly husband (bracing up) Shtandin' on your head on t' 
shtairs I Jenny, I'm shprized I How can 1 1 By Jove, I 
canH ! Two hours, too 1 'Strornary woman 1 

« « 

« 

A man in Michigan swapped his horse for a wife. An old 
bachelor acquaintance said he'd bet there was something wrong 
with the horse, or its owner would never have fooled it away 
in that reckless manner. 



WOMBH. 669 



Fanny Fern's Tribulations. 

Well, I think I'll finish that story for the editor of the 
•' Century." Let me see ; where did I leave off? — ^The setting 
»un was just gilding with his last ray — 

"Ma, I want some bread and molasses ! " 

"Yes, dear," — ^gilding with his last ray the church spire — 

" Where's my Sunday pants ? " 

"Under the bed, dear," — ^the church spire of Inverness, 
when a 

"There's nothing under the bed, dear, but your lace ^^^ ^ 



"Perhaps they are in the coal-hod in the closet" — ^when a 
horseman was seen approaching — 

" Ma'am, ih^pertators is out ; not one for dinner — " 

"Take some turnips!" — ^approaching, covered with dust, 
and — 

" Wife, the baby has swallowed a button !'" 

^^ Reverse him^ dear 1 Take him by the heels." — and wav- 
ing in his hand a banner, on which was written — 

" Ma I Tve torn my pantaloons 1 " 

— " Liberty or death I " The inhabitants rush en masse — 

" Wife I wiU you leave off scribbling ? " 

"Don't be disagreeable. Smith ; I'm just getting inspired." . 
— ^to the public square, where De Begnis, who had been 
secretly — 

"Butcher wants to see you, ma'am." • 

— ^secretly informed of the traitors' — 

" Forget which you said, ma'am, sausages or mutton chop." 

-movements, gave orders to fire 1 Not less than twenty — 

" My gracious I Smith, you haven't been reversing that 
child all this time I He's as black as your coat I And that 
boy of yours has torn up the first sheet of my manuscript. 
There! It's no use for a married woman to cultivate her i 

intellect Smith, hivad me those twins." 

40 



560 WIT AJSCD HUHOB. 

Bvexyday Doxnestio Scenes. 

^My dear,'' said Mr. Spoopendjke, feeling np the chimney. 
*' have you seen my gold collar button ? '' 

'' I saw it the day I bought it," answered Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
cheerily, "and I thought it very pretty. Why do you ask?" 

"'Cause I've lost the measly thing," responded Mr. Spoop- 
endyke, running the broom handle up into the cornice, and 
shaking it as if it were a carpet 

"You don't suppose it is up there, do you?" asked Mrs. 
Spoopendyke. "Where did you leave it? " 

" Left it in my shirt Where do you suppose I left it ?— in 
the hash?" and Mr. Spoopendyke tossed over things in his 
wife's writing desk, and looked out of the window after it 

''Where did you leave your shirt?" asked Mrs. Spoopendyke. 

"Where did I leave my shirt? Where do you suppose I 
left it? Where does a man generally leave his shirt, Mrs. 
Spoopendyke ? Tliink I left it in the ferry-boat ? Got an idea 
I left it at the prayer meeting, haven't you ? Well, I didn't 
I left it off, Mrs. Spoopendyke, that's where I left it I left it 
off. Hear me?" And Mr. Spoopendyke pulled the winter 
clothing out of the cedar chest that hadn't been unlocked for a 
month. 

" Where is the shirt now ? " persisted Mrs. Spookendyke. 

"Where do you suppose it is?" Where do you imagine it 
is I'll tell you where it is, Mrs. Spoopendyke, it's gone to 
Bridgeport as a witness in a land suit. Idea I Ask a man 
where his shirt is I You know I haven't been out of the room 
smce I took it off; " and Mr. Spoopendyke sailed down stairs and 
i*aked the fire outof the kitchen range, but did not find the button. 

"Maybe you lost it on the way home," suggested Mrs. 
Spoopendyke, as her husband came up, hot and angry, and 
began to pull a stuffed canary to pieces to see if the button had 
got .inside. 

Oh, yes, very likely I I stood up against a tree and lost 



4C 



WOICBN. 561 

it Then I hid it behiiCid a fence so I wotildn't see it That's 
the way it was. If I only had your head, Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
I'd turn it loose as a razor strop. I don't know anything 
sharper than yon are;" and Mr. Spoopendyke dntched a 
handfhl of dust off the top of the wardrobe. 

'' It must have fallen oat," mused Mrs. Spoopendyke. 

''Oh! it must, eht It must have fallen out? Well, I 
declare, I never thought of that My impression was that it 
took a buggy and drove out, or a balloon and hoisted out ;" and 
Mr. Spoopendyke crawled behind the bureau and commenced 
tearing up the carpet 

'^ And if it fell out it must be somewhere near where he left 
his shirt Now, he always throws his shirt on the lounge, and 
the button is under that" 

A moment's search soon established the infallibility of Mrs. 
Spoopendyke's logic. 

"Oh, yes I Found it, didn't you?" panted Mr. Spoopen- 
dyke, as he bumped his head against the bureau and finally 
climbed to a perpendicular. 'Perhaps you'll fix my shirts so 
it won't fall out any more, and maybe you'll have sense enough 
to mend that lounge, now that it has caused so much trouble. 
If you only tended to the house as I do to my business, there'd 
never be any difficulty about losing a collar button." 

"It wasn't my fault — " began Mrd. Spoopendyke. 

"Wasn't eh? Have you found that coal bill youVe been 
looking for since last March ? " 

"Yes." 

"Have, eh? Now where did you put it? Where did you 
Indit? 

"In your overcoat pocket." 

The Only "Woman in Oaanp. 

I shall never forget when the first woman came to our camp. 
We had been mining in Dead Man's Gulch for twenty-two 
months, and during that time not a single woman had been seen 



569 wrr ahd hukob. 

about the camp. We had all left wives and mothers and sifr 
ters at home, and their precious letters, received once a week, 
were the only reminders we had of sweethearts and mothers. 

The woman was a widow who had been captured by the Indi- 
ans from an immigrant train, and then recaptured by the hun- 
\ers. She was about 40 years of age, had taken the situation 
coolly, and instead of making an efiort to restore herself to 
the train and to her relatives with whom she was journeying, 
had asked to be set down in our camp until she could make up 
her mind what course to pursue. This was the way the leader 
of the hunters turned her over to our care : 

" Say, you diggers after silver, here's a woman who wants to 
stop here fur a spell till she gits rested ! She's eddecated, and 
she sings like a south wind blowing over prairie flowers." 

And this was the way we received her : 

*' Ahem — yes — ahem — jess so — yes — hats off, boys — no 
swearing — glad to see ye — hope yer well — ahem — exactly 1" 

There were thirty of us standing around there, mouths open, 
hats off, knees wobbling, and more coming up from the dig* 
gings every minute, and something in the situation made the 
widow grin as she looked us over. I lile my claims as follows: 

1. I assisted her off the horse. 

2. I said I hoped she was well. 

8. I remarked thaf it was a melodious afl;emoon. 

4. She accepted my arm as we walked to camp, and then 
accepted my shanty as her headquarters. 

If a tidal wave six feet high had come rolling up the valley 
it wouldn't have produced half the flutter occasioned by the 
presence of the Widow Fleming. There were eighty or ninety 
of us, rough, brawny and more or less wicked, some married, 
some divorced and some old bachelors, and to have a dumpy 
little black-eyed widow with a pretty mouth, and a voice as 
sweet as sixty-cent molasses, pop in upon us at three o'clock 
in the afternoon, was enough to stop work and send the query 
up and down the lines : 



WOHKN. 668 

^^ Well) isn't this the next thing to the judgment day t ^ 

Several curious things happened right away. Col. Taylor 
who had never been known to wash his face or comb his hair, 
started out in search of a clean shirt and pocketrcomb, and 
offered up as high as $15 without being able to secure them. 
He then made a bee-line for the creek, washed the only shirt 
he was ever known to have, combed his hair with a stick, and 
in half an hour was back in camp and waiting an introduction 
to the widow. 

Bill Goodhen, the ugliest-looking man in camp, offered $5 
for a piece of looking-glass two inches square, and not being 
able to find one he went and washed his feet as the next best 
thing. 

There was a general washing up and combing and scrub- 
bing and hunting out clean shirts and neckties, and the old 
man Payson, who had been sick in bed for a week, got up and 
began to chew tobacco and call for his clothes, and he observed : 

^^ Gentlemen, who knows but this widder heard that I had 
$60 saved up and she has come here to ask for my hand 
in marriage?" 

Over a dozen of our band let up a notch or two on swearing, 
except when on the other side of the camp. 

Well, it was curious what a change that widow wrought in 
our camp, in our way of living and upon the manners of the 
men. Each one made an effort to clean and slick up, and ic 
most cases with marked success. Before her advent we could 
count on two or three quarrels per day. After her coming 
such a thing was never known. Indeed, one day when Peter 
White so far foi^ot himself as to insult Charles O'Gay, Charles 
took him aside and whispered : 

" Peter, I kin turn ye wrong side out in six ticks of a clock, 
but Pm not the sort of a gentleman to kick up a row and upset 
a lady's nerves. I'll lay it up agin ye, and after she leaves 
camp I'll wollop ye or die trying." 

And the widow, she sewed on butt6ns and mended xvat gar- 



564 WTT AND HUHOB. 

ments for the whole of us, and she taught this one how to 
cook, and that one how to patch and dam, and before we knew 
it she was a good mother and an idol. A queen could not 
have commanded deeper respect, nor an angel greater rev- 
erence. 

8he was witli us about six weeks, and then went away with 
Mends who came for her. Each man was taken by the hand 
and given a good-bye word, and as she was lost to sight down 

 

the trail the awfiil silence among our crowd was broken by the 
thundering report of the Judge blowing his nose, followed by 
the husky observation : 

^' Well I swan! Hanged if Fve felt so much like crying in 
about forty-seven years!" 

Stanley Huntly on the New Baby. 

"Well, well, well," said Mr. Spoopendyke, with a grin that 
involved his whole head, and an efiort at a tip-toe tread that 
shook the whole house. "' And so it's a girl, ray dear." 

Mrs. Spoopendyke smiled faintly, and Mr. Spoonendyke 
picked up his heiress. 

" It's the image of you," she said, regarding with some trepi- 
dation Mr. Spoopendyke's method of handling the infant. 

"I don't see how you make tliat out," said Mr. Spoopen 
dyke, gravely. " I don't know when my nose looked like the 
thumb part of a boiled lobster claw. Do I understand you 
that my eyes bear any resemblance to the head of u screw i 

"I mean the general features," murmured Mrs. Spoopen- 
dyke. 

"The general features seem to be all mouth," retorted Mr. 
Spoopendyke, examining his acquisition. "If oor general 
features are, at all alike, my visage must remind yoa of an 
earthquake. Hi I kitchee I kitchee I What makes her fold 
up her legs like that ? " 



woKBV. 566 

" She can't help it, " reasoned Mrs, Spoopendyke. "They'll 
straighten out in time." 

"No time like the present," quoted Mr. Spoopendyke, and 
he took his daughter's feet and commenced pulling her limbs. 
"I don't want any bandy-legged first in this family while I'm 
at the head of it. " 

Naturally the baby began to cry, and Mr. Spoopendyke 
essayed to soothe, it. 

"Hi I kitchee I kitchee ! kitchee-ee 1 " he chirruped. " Great 
Scott I what a cavern ! Any idea how much this moutli 
weighs? Hi? kitchee! kitch-e^ ! You'll have to get that 
mouth roofed in before cold weather. What's the matter witli 
her, anyway ? " 

^ Perhaps you hurt her. Let me take her, please," pleaded 
helpless Mrs. Spoopendyke. 

" She's doing well enough. Hi ! you I Hold up ! Haven't 
you anything to catch this mouth in ? It's spilling all over the 
neighborhood. Hi! Topsy, Genevieve, Cleopatra, dry up! 
I'm going to have trouble breajking this young one's temper, 1 
can see that. Here ! bend the other way once ! " and Mr. 
Spoopendyke tried to straighten up liis offspring without avail 

^'Let her come to me, do, please," moaned Mrs. Spoopen- 
dyke, and Mr. Spoopendyke was forced to hand her over. 

"Well, that's quite a baby," said he, nursing his knee and 
eyeing the infant " WhatVe those bumps over its eyes for ; 
What preponderance of intelligence do they I'epresent ? " 

*'You musn't talk so," remonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
"She's the handsomest child you ever saw." 

"Well, she's got to stop biting her nails before she goes any 
further with this procession. Here, take your hands out of 
your mouth, can't you. Why don't you put her hands down ?" 

* Why, all babies do that, ' explained Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
"You can't stop that." 

"I'm going to try," said Mr. Spoopendyke, "and I don't 
want to be interfered with in bringing this child up. Here 



566 wrr and humob. 

you Mand S. Bonesetter, put your hands m your pockets ! 
Don't let me see any more nail chewing, or you and Fll get 
mixed up in an argument. She gets that from your famUy, 
Mra. Spoopendyke.'' 

*' Say, dear, don't you want to go and order some things!" 
asked Mrs. Spoopendyke." 

"No," rejoined her husband ; "I want to see this young- 
ster. Where's her chin ? Do babies always have their upper 
jaw set right on their shoulders ? Eatchee ! kitchee I Her 
scalp comes clear to the bridge of her nose. I don't believe 
she's quite right Where's hfer forehead f Great Moses I Her 
head is all on the back part! Say, that baby's got to be 
pressed. That's no shape I " 

"Get away!" exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, indignantly. 
"She's a perfect angel. There's nothing in the world the 
matter with her." 

" Of course you know," growled Mr. Spoopendyke. " You 
don't want anything more than a fog-horn and a misspent ap- 
propriation to be an orphan asylum. If I had your faith and 
the colic I'd make a living as a foundling's home ! She'll be 
old enough to spank in a week, won't she? " 

"No, she won't ! " said Mrs. Spoopendyke, "She'll never 
be old enough for that" 

" I'll bet she will," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke ; " if she isn't, 
she'll get it before she matures up to that period. That's all. 
Let me take her. Here, let's have her." 

But Mrs. Spoopendyke flatly refused. 

•'Keep your dod-gasted baby then!" roared Mr. Spoopen- 
dyke. "If you know more about babies than I do, then keep 
her. The way you coddle her one would think she was a new 
paste for the complexion. If you Tiad one more brain and a han- 
dle, you'd make a fair rattle-box I Fit you up with a broken sofa 
and a grease spot, and you'd do for a second-hand nursery." 

And Mr. Spoopendyke started off to find his friend Speckle* 
wottie. 



woMxzr. 567 

The 'Woman Barberesa 

EH Ptrhint* 

fhree times I walked bj, and finally I formed a coura^eouB 
resolution, and, hanging my head as a member of the Toang 
Men's Christian Association does when he goes into the Mabille 
or Harry HilPs, I phmged in. I trembled from head to foot 
as soon as I entered the door. I couldnH look the pretty bar* 
beress in the face. I coaldn't sammon up courage enough to 
speak to her. In fact^ I had nothing to c4iy. So I stood and 
looked very sheepish. 

'^ Have a shave, sir?" said the pretty barberess, advancing 
with a razor in one hand, and with the other pointing to the 
chair. 

'^ Yes, shave ! " I gasped, and flung myself into a chair. 

" Why, you've just been shaved ! " she said, drawing her 
silky palm across my face. 

^^Have I?" I said, and then recollecting, I stammered, 
^^ Ah, yes, shaved this morning early. I always shave twice a 
day." 

" Shave close ? " asked the pretty girl. 

"Yes, the closer the better." 

" Hair cut, too ? " 

" Yes, everything ! " 

And then she commenced. With a little camel's hair brush 
she painted my face with white soapsuds. Then she put her 
little fingers plump against my face and rubbed it all over. 
She stood behind me and put her arms around my neck. I 
saw her in the glass in front. I never felt so in my life. 
*' What would my wife say to this ? " I thought *' Still every- 
body in Detroit does it, and why not I ? " So I shut my eyes 
and let her go on. After rubbing her velvet fingers over my 
cheeks and chin until the beard was softened, she took out a 
razor, honed it, and placing one arm clear around my head, 
and her hand against my face to steady it, commenced the 
downward movement of the blade. Once or twice I tried to 



568 WIT AlTD HUMOB. 

look the pretty barberess in the face, but I couldn't So I sat 
and took it with my eyes shut I don't think I enjoyed it 
And still I let her go on. She shaved me, drew her silky 
hand all over my tauce to see if it was closely shaven, and then 
combed my hair. 

'' Shall I wax your mustache, sir? " 

" Yes, wax away I " 

Then she leaned over me until I could hear her breathe and 
feel her heart beat, placed her little fingers under my mustache, 
and waxed the ends. Now, I never wear my mustache waxed, 
but I couldn't ask her to stopi 

^^ There ! does it suit? " she said as she dusted off my neck 
and removed the apron. 

"Yes, its just right — lovely !" I said, "too sweet for any- 
thing ! " and then strode down to the depot to find the train 
just gone, and that this Detroit barberess had caused me to 
mim a lecture engagement and a hundred dollar fee. 



w»^. 



CHILDREN'S WITAJMD BLUNDERS 

"Wisdom, Wit and Pathos. 

Ethel, when she was four years old, used to like very much 
to go to church, and especially enjoys the singing. One day. 
the choir sang, '* Rock of ages, cleft for me," and after she got 
home, the little one was heard singing, very seriously, '^ Bock 
the babies, kept for me." 

One day, Ethel came home from school, very proud. 

" Oh, papa I " she said, " I got up head today in spelling." 

'' What was the word, Ethel ? " 

" Why, tax — t-a-x. The girls didn't know any better than 
to spell it t-a-c-k-8." 

A little while afterward, she said : 

*^I guess I'll stay home and play tomorrow. I'll be lOOt, 
and I can't get any footer." 

A lady, passing along the street one frosty morning, saw a 
little fellow scattering salt upon the pavement, for the purpose 
of melting the ice. 

"Well, I'm sure," said the lady, "that's real benevolence." 
" Oh, no, ma'am," he replied. " It aint benevolence — it's 
salt" 

mi's Baby StoxT. 

"lillie, did yoa say your prayers last night?" asked a 
fiishionable mother of her sweet little girl who remained home 
while the mother went to the charity-ball. 

" Yes, mamma, I said 'em all alone." 



570 WIT AND HUMOB. 

^^ But who did you say them to, Lillie, when your nurse was 
out with me?" 

^^ Well, mamma, when I went to bed I looked around the 
house for somebody to pay my prayers to, and there wasnH 
nobody iu the house to say ^em to, and so I said ^em to 6od.^' 

Our Ghrandmottier 

When Ethel tumbled down and broke a basket of eggs, the 
children all cried: 

^^ Oh^ Ethel, won^t you catch it when your mother sees those 
broken eggs! Won't you, though!" 

" No, I won't tach it either," said Ethel; "I won't tach it at 
all. I'z dot a dranmother!" 

Woman'B Shrewdness. 

OpieBMd, 

^^ Madam, I am looking for a stray horse," said a man, stop- 
ping at an Arkansas house and leaning his chin on the top rail 
of the fence. "Have you seen anything of him ?" 

"How long has he been gone?" asked the woman, leaning 
against the door-facing, and regarding tlie man with that look of 
curiosity which, in the country, so plainly speaks of .the 
scarcity of strangers. 

"Been gone about two days." 

" What sort of a horse was he ? '* 

"Eoan, with white fetlocks." 

"How old was he?" 

" About ten years." 

" Good work-nag I reckon ? " 
" "First-rate." 

" Are you certain that he has white fetlocks f " 

" Certainly. Have you seen anything bf him ? " 

"No ; I 'aint seen him." 

" Have you heard any one speak of seeing him I ** 



OBILDKEN. 671 

^^Yes; since you mention it, I think I have. I heard a 
man talk about seeing a roan horse with white fetlocks." 

"That's my horse. Do you know the man's name? " 

"No." 

" Where do you suppose I can find him ? " 

" You can find him out there at the stable." 

The stranger went to the stable, looked around, "halloed," 
and returned to the fence. 

"He's not there." 

"Not now." 

" Didn't you know he wasn't there before I went ? " 

"Yes ; I knew he wasn't there before you went." 

" Then what did you send me there for ? " 

"To see him. I knowed he'd be thar agin you arriv'." 

" ni be blamed if I understand you." 

"Now, look here, stranger, you can't make me tell a lie. 
You axed me if I'd seed the horse, an' I sed 'no.' You axed 
me if I'd heerd anybody speak of the horse, an' I said 'yes.' 
You axed me whar you would find the man, an' I told you. 
You went thar, an' — 

" But who was the man ? " 

"Yourself, stranger." And she turned away to rock a 
"dug-out" cradle, while the stranger, shoving down a panel of 
fence in his anger, turned away and "sauntered" down the 
road. 

Three Distinsruished Females. 

Two young ladies of Terre Haute were returning from Cali- 
fomia. The parlor car was crowded with passengers. At a 
small station a woman in showy attire entered and demanded 
a whole section. It was not to be had, and the conductor, 
^ brakeman, porter and cook, who seemed to be impressed with 
the new passenger's importance, were all painfully exercised to 
know where to put her: The cause of all this commotion was 
very blonde, very large, very richly clothed, and very swelL 



573 wrr akd huhob. 

When it seemed impcMssible to get her a whole section, or even 
half a one, she tamed to the yonng ladies and said : ^^ Will 
jou consent to take the upper berth of your section and let me 
have the lower f '* 

" Sorry we can't oblige yon," replied one of the pink-cheeked 
fairies, ^^but really, we prefer to keep the lower berth oar- 
selves.^' 

Then the big blonde straightened herself np, threw ineffi^ble 
contempt and importance into her pale eyes, and said : ^^ Per- 
haps you don't know who I am ? " 

"No ; we don't," replied the Terre Haute girl, in a tone 
of serene indifference. 

'I will tell you," said the woman of silk and jewels : "I 
am Mrs. Col. Dunlevy Wickersham." (Dunlevy Wickersham 
is known all along that end of the road as a bonanza man ; 
bushels of money, so much that he needs nothing more.) 

"Are you, indeed?" replied the Hoosier maiden, "Per 
haps you don't know who I am ? " 

Mme. Bonanza's face said that she didn't, and also that she 
had some curiosity. 

" Well, I am Mrs. Gen. Grant." 

"And I, "said her companion, who had hitherto kept silent, 
"am Queen Victoria." 

The Ohild'8 Idea of GKhL 

A tiny little fellow living in Albany, N. T., but away out 
on the borders of the city, where circuses did not come or 
processions, and who had never seen a soldier in full rig, was 
sent to the door by his mother, who heard the bell ring. It 
was Colonel Charles Spencer in full regimentals, as it was the 
day of the inauguration of the governor. 

"Tell your mother, little man," said the colonel, "to please 
oome to the door a moment ; I want to speak to her." 

Charlie went up stairs and appeared before bis mother, with 
the most awe-struck face. 



*^ Mamma, some one at the door wants to see jon." 

''Who is it, my son?" 

*' O, I don't know, mamma, bnt I des its Dod." 

Bad Elfeots firoxn Card Flayix^. 

EtheFs mother was reading her Sabbath school lesson to her 
when she came to the verse — — 

''But when they next saw Joseph they found him in a 
position of great authority and power, and " 

"Joseph was King, wasn't he, mamma?" intermpted Ethel. 

" No, Ethel, he was not King, but he was very high — next 
to the King." 

" O, I know« mamma, he was Jack — Jack high I " 

Alas, Ethel had seen too much card playing. 

* * 

* 

"Now, Willie, do have a little courage. When I have a 
powder to take I don't like it any more than you do ; but I 
make up my mind that I will take it, and I do." 

"And when I have a powder to take," replied Willie, '*i 
make up my mind that I won't take it, and I don't" 

A little four-year old frequently went to the meadow with 
her father when he showed visitors his superior cattle, ot which 
he was proud. One day, she wished to show a visitor her 
chickens, of which she, too, was proud. While they were 
standing by the coop she said : 

" I wish I had more of them, 'cause they are so very booful. 

But Pve only got iive head of hens. Ton can count them fo.> 

yourself." 

» 
"Why, Sammy," said a fond mother to her little son the 

other day, " I didn't know that your teacher whipped you last 

Friday." 

" I guess)" he replied, " if you'd been in my trousers you'd 

know'd it " 



874 wrr and humob. 

Childish Simplicity. 

<< Ethel, you've gotten jour dolly all soiled,'' said her aunt 
" Indeed, Ethel, dolly is quite ngly." 

" How can you call my beau'ful dolly ugly ? " said Ethel, the 
tears coming to her eyes. " Poor dolly 1" she continued as 
she tenderly kissed the image she loved so well. ** Poor dolly. 
Perhaps auntie finks 'ou hasn^t dot any feelins, but 'ou has. 
'Ou isn't an old rubber dolly ; 'ou's made of pure sawdust I '' 

A New Busineaa 

** What does your Pa do now, Mary ? Is he in the clothing 
business I " asked one little girl of another. 

" No, Pa was in the clothing business, but it didn't pay very 
well, and Ma says he has gone into bankruptcy." 

"What kind of business is the bankruptcy business?" 

"O, I don't know exactly, Ethel, but I 'spects it's something 
awful nice. Pa used to work awful hard, and used to go around 
in his old clothes ; but since he has gone into bankruptcy he 
dresses up every day and doesn't do anything but walk around 
)ust like a perfect gentleman." 

Bxouse fbr beinff Qood. 

SUftritiiu, 

Ethel used to play a good deal in the Sabbath school dass. 
One day she had been very quiet. She sat up prim and behaved 
herself so nicely, that after the recitation was over the teacher 
remarked : — 

" Ethel, my dear^ you were a very good little girl today." 
" Yes 'm. I couldn't help being dood. I dot a tif neck 1" 

* 
" What are wages here ?" asked a laborer of a boy. 

" I don't know, sir." 

" What does your father get on Saturday night ?'^ 

" Get !" said the boy, " why he gets as tight as a brick." 



OHIUDBSN. Sn 

What Frlfirhtened Her. 

little Ethel remarked to her mamma on going to bed : 
*' I am not afraid of the dark." 
^^ No, of coarse you are not," replied her mamma. 
^' I was a little afraid once, when I went into the pantry to 
get a tart." 

*' What were you iffraid of?" 

*^ I was afraid I couldn't find the tarts. 






A little boy, after watching the burning of the school-house 
antil the novelty of the thing had ceased, started down the 
street, saying. 

^^ I am glad the old thing is burned down : I didn't have my 
jogfry lesson, nohow I" 



« » 



Little Freddy was riding on the cars with his motner and 
dropped one of the peanuts he was eating on the flpor. After 
he had finished the others he began to climb down to get the 
one on the fioor, but his mother stopped him, saying that he 
could not have it. t^reddy sat still in silence for several minutes. 
But he could endure it no longer, and soon a pitifiil little voice 
piped out : 

^^ Mother, can't I get down on the fioor and look at that 
peanut }" 

Children's Oares. 

'^Oh, dear!" said little Ethel, '^I have so many cares^ 
Nothing but trouble all the time." 

^^What has happened now, Ethel?" asked her sympathetic 
play-fellow. 

"Why, yesterday a little baby sister arrived, and papa is on 
a journey. Mamma came very near being gone too. I don't 
know what I should have done if mamma hadn't been home to 
take care of itl" 



576 wrr and humob. 

HUB Lip Slipped. 

EUPeHchu. 

Mrs. Hamilton Kerr's little girl, Cookoo, went to Delmom- 
co^s dancing class, and one day little Freddy Smith kissed her. 

''Oh, Cookoo, Fm ashamed to think you should let & little 
boy kiss jvm 1 " said her mother. 

"Well, mamma, I couldn't help it," said Cookoo. 

" You couldn^t help it ? " 

''No, mamma. You ^ee Freddy and I were dancing the 
polka. Freddy had to stand up close to me, and all at onoe 
bis lip slipped and the kiss happened. 

Sweet Sim,plioity \ 

EHferttM, 

A little Saratoga girl toddled xxjfto sl venerable " mother iii 
Israel " who was leaning over engaged in reading, and, smooth- 
ing her little hand cautiously over the old lady's beautiful sil- 
ver hair, she said : 

" Why, ou has dot such funny hair — ou has." Then, paus- 
ing a moment, she looked up and inquired, " What made it so 
white?" • * ' 

"Oh, the frosts of many winters turned it white, my little 
girl," replied the old lady. 

' ^ Didn't it hurt ou ? " asked the little thing, in childish amase 
ment. It was the first time she had ever seen gray hair. 

Children's Lofirio. 

EUfiertiM, 

"Now, ma, I have one more father than no little girl, 
haven't I ? " asked little !Ethel in Saratoga. 

"Yes, pet" 

"Well, no little girl has three fathers ; and if I have one 
more father than no little girl, then I must have four fathers.'' 

"Alasl we've all got forefathers," said my Uncle Con- 
sider, "but little Ethel went a step further than us all in hei 
logic" 



GHILDBBN. *''*'^ 



WheD mj Uncle Consider asked Ethel if fiuhionable young 
Indies laced tight so as to show young fellows how much 
squeezing they conld stand and not hurt 'em, she answered — 

^^ Why, no ; it^s to show young gentlemen how economical 
they are — ^how little toaate they can get along with." 

Bthal's Ohoioe. 

A good christian father was trying to convey to his little five-, 
yearold daughter the idea that she was soon to have a new 
brother or sister. A new little baby was coming to the house. 

**Now, Ethel," he said, " which would you rather have, a 
little brother or a little sister ?" 

^* dan mamma have either one t" 

"Yes, Ethel." 

^^Then, papa, if it don't make any difference to mamma, I'd 
rathei have a little yellow dog!" 



» » 

» 



''What makes me love my pretty, delicate, little blue-eyed 
(>oy," said the fond father, as he and the pastor entered the 
library, "is that sometimes the tears run down the wrinkles in 
my cheeks as I feel fine points touching me to the core, and 
wonder if God will let him stay with me very, very — " here 
the fond father sat down on a pin and said : " Mariar, where 
is that boy ? Where is he ? If I had him I'd make him feel fine 
points, if I would, by goshl" 



» # 



Ethel, being asked by Sunday-school teacher, "What did 
the Israelites do after they crossed the red sea?" answered, " I 
don't know, ma'am, but I guess they dried themselves." 

TVilkin's Baby Story. 

A little six year old Whitehall boy was watching the sun- 
beams as they shot through a window and danced diagonally 
across the room. 



578 WIT AND HUMOB. 

^^ Mamma," said he, '^ what are those streaks? " 

*' Those, my son,*' she replied, "are sunbeams from heaven*'* 

"Oh, I know what tliej are for, mamma," said the little 

fellow, who had been sliding down beams in the barn-loft, 

"they are what God slides the babies down on, when he sendb 

'em to folks." 

A Boston QirL 

The following shows at how early an age people bom at the 
"Hub" take on their self-consciousness : 

Not many days since, in Chicago, a young lady of ten 
summers was engaged watering the plants on the lawn« K 
Chicago lady stopped at the garden gate, and the followmi 
dialogue occurred : 

" Sissy, is Mrs. Wood at home % " 

"Did you address me, madam?" (severely). 

" Yes ; I asked is Mrs. Wood at home." 

" No, madam, Mrs. Wood is my aunt, and Mrs. Wood it 
not at home." 

" Will you tell her Mrs. Mason called ! " 

"Certainly, madam," (graciously). 

" Ton won't forget the name ? " 

" Certainly not, madam. I am not much acquainted herev 
but I shall remember the name ; I am a Boston girL" And 
she serenely continued to water the flowers. 

Why, Abby, Why? 

"Mother," cried little Abby, running into the sitting-room, 
" I want a little walnut bedstead like Jennie Day's. I hatQ 
pine fiimiture." 

The mother went on with her mending, and did not speak. 

" Say, mother, can I have one % " 

"No, my dear child, you cannot." 

^* Why, mother ? Say why/' repeated the child pettiahljr. 



* oHfTiPianf* 0TB 

Still there was no answer. 

^^ I know the reason ; it is because we are poor ! '' said the 
little girl with a frown. ^^ I hate to be poor and not have 
pretty things like Jennie's. Why are we so poor, mother} say 
whyf'' 

'*"We are not poor, Abby," said the mother. "We have 
all the comforts of life." 

"Then why" 

" Wait a moment till I ask * Why t' " said the good woman. 
^^ Why, when Jesus, who has all power in heaven and earth, 
was cradled in a manger^ and in manhood had nowhere to 
lay his head, should you, an ungrateful child, have that sunny 
little room with a soft bed, and all those pretty little things 
about you f Why ! say why, my dear child." 

Little Abby thought a moment of the manger of Christ's 
infancy, and the homelessness of his manhood ; then she 
dropped her head and blushed with shame. 

She went up to her own little room. The sun was shining 
through the white curtains, her pillow looked pure as snow, 
and the room itself seemed like one in a fairy palace. She 
wiiispered to herself, "This isn't much like a manger. Why 
lias Gh>d given me such a home and such kind parents to care 
for me t I will try to be thankful and good, and not envy rich 

children any more." 

•   

" Will the boy who threw that pepper on the stove please 
come up here and get the present of a nice bookt'* said the 
school teacher, but the boy never moved. 

He was a fiu^ing boy. ^^ 

» 

A little boy, while warming his hands over the kitchen fire, 
was remonstrated with by his father, who said : 

" Go 'way from the stove ; the weather is not cold." 

The little fellow, looking up at his stem parent, demurely 
replied: 

"I ain't heating the weather ; Tm wanning my haoda*'^ 



080 wn ASD HUiiaB, 

Of Oourse Not 

^^Here, boys,'' ezdaimed a kind old grandma, '^I wouldnl 

slide down those banisters. I wouldn't do it. '' 

*' You wouldn't do it, grandma ? Why, you couldn't I " ex 

claimed little Tommy. 

  

» 

^^ Dan," said a young four-year old," give me a sixpence tc 
buy a monkey f " 

^^ We have got one monkey in the house now," replied the 
elder brother. 

''Who is it, Dan t " asked the little fellow. 

" Ton,'' was the reply. 

''Then give me sixpence to buy the monkey some nuts." 

The Same Story By Another "Writer. 

To show how two writers handle the same subject, I append 
this: 

"Edward, what do I hear — that you have disobeyed year 



grandmother who told you just now not to jump down these 
steps ? " 

''Grandma didn't tell us not to, papa; she only came to 
the door and said : ' I wouldn't jump down those steps, boys '; 
and I shouldn't think she would — an old lady> like her 1 " 

Bound To Tell. 

At a dinner party the little son of the host and hostess was 
allowed to come down to dessert Having had what bis 
mother considered a sufficiency of fruit, he was told he must 
not have any more, when, to the surprise of every one of the 
guests, he exclaimed : 

'*If you don't give me some more, FU tell I " 

A fresh supply was at once given him, and as soon as i.t was 



OHIIJ>SEH. 581 

finished he repeated his threat ; whereupon he was suddenly 
and swiftly removed from the room, but he had just time to 
( (>n\ ulse the company by exclaiming : 

'* My new trousers are made out of ma's old bedroom cor^ 
tains. " — Boston Herald. 

Ignorant Teaohers. 

When Ethel was five years old she went to school for the 
first time. 

v^ How do you like your teacher, Ethel ? " asked her mamma. 

^Why, mamma, I don't think the teacher knows very 
much." 

"Why not, my dear?" 

" Why, she keeps asking questions all the time. She asked 
where the Mississippi river was.^ 

The Smell Aooounted For. 

'^ What makes such a bad smell about the postofflce t" asked 
one gentleman of another. 

*'I know, pa," interrupted little Johnny. 

"What, my son?" 

"Why, it's the dead letters." 

While Dr. Mary Walker was lecturing lately in one of our 
rural towns, it is said that a youth cried out : 
"Are you the Mary that had a little lamb ?" 
"Nol" was the reply, "but your mother had a little jack- 

assi" 

* « 

» 

" Mother, can I go out and have my photograph taken ?" 
"-No, I guess it isn't worth while." 

" Well, then^ you might let me go and have a tooth pulled 
out ; I never go anywhere." 



582 WIT AK9 HI7MOB. 



'^ Oran'ma,'* said a Bweet boj of nine yearsy <^liow old am 
your 

*^ Abont sixty-Bix," said the grandmother^ f ondlj amootbing 
his yellow hair. 

** You'll die soon, won't you, gran'maf 

" Yes, dear, I expect to." 

^ And when I die, gran'ma, can I be buried aide of youf 

^* Yes, dear," said she, as her heart warmed towards the 
little one, whom she folded closer in her arms. 

^^ Grandma," softly whispered the little rogue, ^< gim'me 10 
cents." 



Beecher'8 Tonmiy TafL 

On the first day of March it was, that Tommy Taft had been 
unquietly sleeping in the forenoon, to make up for a disturbed 
night. The little noisy clock — that regarded itself as the essence 
of a Yankee, and ticked with immense alacrity and struck in 
the most bailing and emphatic manner-this mdustrious and 
moral clock began striking whir-r-r one ; whir-r-r two ; whir-r-r 
three (Tommy jerked his head a little as if something vexed 
him in his sleep); whir-r-r four ; whir-r-r five; whir-r-r six; 
( '' Keep still, will ye? Let me alone, old woman 1 Confound 
your medicine 1 " ) ; whir-r-r seven ; whir-r-r eight ; ( ** Gk>d in 
heaven ! as sure as I live," said Tommy, rubbing his eyes as if 
to make sure they saw aright); whir-r-r nine; whir-r-r ten! 
Then holding out liis arms with the simplicity of a child, hit 
face fairly glowing with joy, and looking now really noble, he 
qjried : "Barton — my boy Barton — I knew you wouldn't let the 
old man die and not help him I I knew it I I knew it ! " 

After the first surprise of joy subsided, Tommy pushed Bar 
ton from the edge of his bed.- "Stand up, boy ; turn round i 



OHILDBBN. 688 

t 

There he is I Now Fm all right. Oot my pilot aboard ; sealed 
orders ; ready to sail the minnit the hawser's let go." 

After a few words about his return from the West, his health 
and prospects, the old man returned to the subject that jseemed 
to lie nearest his heart '' TheyVe all had a hand at me, Bar- 
ton. There's twenty firms in this town that is willin' to give a 
feller sailin' orders, when they see he's out'ard bound. But I 
am an old salt — I know my owners ! " said Tommy, with an 
affectionate wink at Barton. ''All, my boy, you're back again; 
it's all right now. Don' you let me go wrong. I want you to 
tell me just where you're goin', and I'll bear right up for that 
port You know^ Barton, I never cheated you when you was 
a boy. I took care of ye, and never told you a lie in my life, 
and never got you in a scrape. You won't cheat an old man 
now, will ye ? " 

It was all that Barton could do to maintain his self-posses- 
sion. Tears and smiles kept company on his face. '^My dear 
old Tommy, we won't part company. We're both bound to 
the same land. God will, I fervently hope, for Christ's sake, 
forgive all our sins, and make us meet for everlasting life.'' 

"Amen ! " roared out the old man. " Go on. You TeaJhi 
believe in it? Come here. Barton, sit down on the edge of the 
bed, look me in the face, and no flummery. Do you really 
believe that there's another world ? " 

" I do, Tommy, I believe it in my very soul." 

''That's enough. I believe it, too, jest as sartain as if a 
shipmate had told me about an island I'd never seen, but he 
had. Npw, Barton, give me the bearin's of 't. D]ye believe 
that there's a Lord that helps a poor feller to it? " 

" I do. Christ loves me and you, and all of us. He saves 
all who trust in Him." 

"He don't stand om particulars, then ? He won't rip: up all 
a feller's old faults, will He ? Or how's that t Don't you ease 
up on me, Barton, just to please me, but tell me the hardest 
on 't I believe every word you say." 

41 






584 wrr Ain> huicob. 

Barton's own sonl had traveled on the very road on which 
Tommy was now walking, and remembering bis own experi- 
ence, he repeated to Tommy these words : " 'Who is a Gk)d 
like unto Thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the 
transgression of the remnant of His heritage ? He retaineth not 
His anger forever, becanae He delighteth in mercy. He will 
turn again ; He will have compassion upon us ; He will subdue 
bur iniquities ; and Thou wilt cast all their sins into the depth 
ofthesea.'"— Micahvii, 18, 19. 

"Now that's to the p'int, Barton. The Lord will tumble a 
feller's sins overboard like rubbish, or bilge-water and the like, 
when a ship is in the middle of the ocean t Well, it would 
puzzle a feller to find 'em ag'in after that Is that all % I'm to 
report to Him ? " 

"Yes, Tommy; you are to report to Qod."^ 

" Barton, would ye jest as lief do me a little favor as not? " 

"Whatisit, Taft?" 

" Would ye mind sayin' a little prayer for me ? It makeQ no 
difference, of course ; but jest a line of introduction in a foreign 
port sometimes helps a feller amazingly." 

Barton knelt by the bedside and prayed. Without reflecting 
at the moment on Uncle Tommy's particular wants, Barton 
was following in prayer the Ime of his own feelings, when sud- 
denly he felt Tommy's finger gently poking his head. " I say, 
Barton, ain't you steerin' a p'int or two off the course ? I don't 
seem to follow you." A few earnest, simple petitions followed, 
which Taft seemed to relish. "Lord, forgive Tommy Taft's 
sinsl" ("Now you've hit it," said tlie old man, softly.) 
''Prepare him for Thy kingdom." ("Yes, and Barton, too !") 
"May he feel Thy love, and trust his soul in Thy sacred keep- 
ing." ("Ah, ha! that's it; youVe in the right spot now.") 
" Give him peace while he lives." ("No matter about that ; 
the doctor'U give me opium for that ! Go on ! ") " And at 
his death save his. soul in Thy kingdom, for Christ's sake. 
Amen." 



OHILDSEH. 686 

"Amen. But didn't yon coil it awaj rather too qnick? 
Now, Barton, my boy, you've done a good thing. I've been 
waitin' for you all winter, and you didn't come a minit too 
Boon. Fm tired now, but I want to say one thing. Barton, 
when I'm gone, you won't let the old woman suffer? She's 
had a pretty hard time of it with me. I knew you would. 
One thing more, Barton," said the old man, his voice sinking 
almost to a whisper, as if speaking a secret from the bottom of 
his soul. "Barton, you know I never had much money. I 
never laid up any — couldn't Kow, you won't let me come on 
to the town for a fxmeral, will ye ? I should hate to be buried 
in a pine coffin, at town expense, and have folks laugh that 
didn't dare open their heads to me when I was round town t " 

Barton could not forbear smiling as the old man, growing 
visibly feebler every hour, went on revealing traits which his 
sturdy pride had covered when he was in health. 

''And, Barton, I wish you'd let the children come when I 
am buried. They'll come, if you'll jest let 'em know. Al- 
ways trust the children. And" — (pain here checked his 
utterance for a moment) — " let's see, what was I saying f Oh, 
the children. I don't want nothin' said. But if you'd jest 
as lief let the children sing one of their hymns, I should 
relish it" 

The color came suddenly to his cheek, and left as suddenly. 
He pressed his hand upon his heart, and leaned his head fur- 
ther over on his pillow, as if to wait till the pang passed. It 
seemed long. Barton rose and leaned over him. The old 
man opened his eyes, and with a look of ineffable longing, 
whispered : 

"Kiss me." 

A faint smile dwelt about his mouth ; his face relaxed and 
seemed to express happiness in its rugged features. But the 
old man was not there. Without sound of wings or footfiEdL 
be had departed on his last journey. 



686 wrr Am) humob. 

Ohildren Half Prioe. 

EUPerHnt. 

One day I took a crowd of children in Sarato^ down to 
see Ben the educated pig. Among them was little Johnny 
Wall, who has always been troubled because he had no litde 
sisters to play with. When he asked his mother to get him a 
litde fidster, she always put him off with : 

" Yes, Johnny, when children get cheap PU buy you a little 
sister. You must wait." 

^^ So today when Mr. Jar vis read these letters on Educated 
Ben's tent — 



: Children half price — 15 cents. 

little Johnny juifiped straight up and down, clapped his hands, 
and exclaimed : 

^' Oh, Untie Eli? now mamma can buy a itty sister for me, 
for itty children ain't only half price now — only 15 cents.'' 

"Now, children," said a teacher, "I want you to be very 
still, so that you can hear a pin drop." In a moment all was 
sUent, when a little boy cried out : " Let it drop ! " 

" I thought you could make good photographs I " exclaimed 
a fond mother as she looked at Johnny's picture. 
"I can, madame," answered the photographer.' 
^' But this makes my boy look like an idiot" 
"Well, I have to, to preserve the likeness. You wouldn't 
spoil the likeness, would you ? You want people to say it^s 
your boy, don't you ! " 

Ambitious Children. 

When Johnny came back, liis mother showed liim a picture 
of a jackass with long ears in a picture-book, when this col- 
loquy occurred : 



CHILDREN. 6S7 

^'Does on see itty dackass, mamma, stan^in^ all loney in ze 
picsurf " asked the little three- vear old. 

*'Tes, dear/' 

"Oh, mamma, Nurdey been tellin* Donney all about itty 
dackass. He ha-u't any mamma to make him dood, an^ no 
kind nursey ^t all. Poor itty dackass basnet dot no Bidzet to 
dess Iiim c^ean an' nice, an' he hasn't any overtoat yike 
Donney's 't all. Oo soUy, mamma ? " / 

"Yes, dear, I am very sorry. Poor itty dackass! Dot 
nobody 't all to turl his hair pritty, has he, Donney? an' he 
hasn't dot no soos or tockies on his foots. Dot to yun all day 
in 'e dirt Tan't ever be put to seepy in his itty beddy 't all, 
'n— " 

" O mamma ! " interrupted Johnny. 

"What, baby?" 

" I wiss I was a itty dackass." 

"Why were you late this morning, sir?" said' the teacher 
rather sharply. 

"Well, sir, you see I heard that a little fellow next door 
to us was goin' to have a dressin' down with a bed-cord, and 
so I waited to hear him howl." 

A remarkable game of cards was played in the basement of 

a house on Washington street yesterday. The boy of the 

house had just turned up a diamond and was waiting for the 

other boy to lead, when the old man appeared at the head of 

the stairs, ordered the other boy up,, turned up his own boy, 

<;)i8carded some of his apparel, and swung a club. The old 

man played it alone, and made every point, although the 

neighbor's boy cut. — Henry Ward Beecher. 

» * 

" Johnnie," said mamma to her little son, "didn't I tell you 
not to eat that candy until after dinner? " 

"Johnnie, who lisps : "I ain't eating the candy, Pm only 
thui-king the juithe." 



588 WIT AKD HU1I0IL 

A Retentive Memory. 

A girl and a boy^ each about seven years old, were seated 
amid their grown relatives, and talking of things which had 
occurred at the remotest period of their recollection. The 
little girl remembered when she had a doll that could cry. 
The boy here spoke up and said he recollected worse than that. 

^'How worse?'' said half-a<lozen voices in a breath. 

"Why, I recollect four weeks afore I was bom, and I cried 
all the time for fear I'd be a gal." 

" Bob Brown, did you say that my father had not as mach 
sense as Billy Smith's little yellow dog ? " 

"No ; I never said any such thing. I never said that your 
father had not as much sense as Billy Smith's little yellow dog. 
All I said was, that Billy's little yellow dog had more sense 
than your father ; that's all I ever said." 

"Well, it's well you didn't say the other, I can tell you I '* 

" What has a cat that no other animal has ? " asked Ethel of 
a proud naturalist who had been reading an arti<;le on "natu- 
ral selection." * 

" Why a cat has nothing that no other animal has. It were 
impossible. " 

" Yes they has, sir ! " 

"Wliat, my child?" 

"Why, they has kittens." 

Children's Ooxnpoeition& 

One day (writes Eli Perkins), little Ethel wrote a compoaitioii 
on pins. It ran thus : 

Composition on Pins. 
Pins is a very useful thing. Pins haz saved the lives of 
hundreds and hundreds of people, and 



OHILDEEH. 689 

" "Why, Ethel I " I interrapted, "how have pins ever saved . 

people's lives ? '' 

" Why, by their not swallowing them, papa." 

My mother used to show me a composition which I wrote at 

the age of seven. It ran thus : 

Composition on Ed%. 
^ eel is a fish with his tail all the way up to his ears. Never 
fix)] mth powder, £li Perkins. 

Not Fit to be Kissed. 

^ What ails papa, mother ? " said a sweet little girl, 
Her bright laugh revealing her teeth white as pearl, 
" I love him, and kiss him, and sit on his knee. 
But the kisses don't smell good when he kisses me I ^ 

** But, mama"— her eyes opened wide as she spoke— 

" Do you like those kisses of 'bacco and smoke? 
They might do for boys, but for ladies and girls 
I don't think them nice," as she tossed her bright curls. 

^ Don't nobody's papa have moufe nice and clean ? 
With kisses like yours, mama— that's what I mean; 
I want to kiss papa, I love him so well, 
But kisses don't taste good that have such a smell 

" It's nasty to smoke, and eat 'bacco, and spit. 
And the kisses ain't good and sweet, not a bit," 
And her blossom-like face wore a look of disgust 
As she gave out her verdict, so earnest and just. 

^ Yes, yes, little darling I your wisdom has seen 
That kisses for daughters and wives should be clean ; 
For kisses lose something of nectar and bliss, 
FrQm mouths that are tainted and unfit for a kiss." 

"Wnat can I do for you, Ethel, to induce you to go lo bed 
now ? " asked a mamma of her five-year old girl. 

^^ You can let me sit up a little longer," was the innocent 
response. 



590 wrr and humob. 



Don't Oheok the Boys. 



Little Frankie F. was astride the sofarcushion, and waR mak- 
ing his steed apparently take a 2:40 pace, with kicks and slashes 
of hi 9 whip, and yelling at the top of his lungs. His poor 
mother bore it awhile, and then said, sternly : 

'' Frankie! stop making a noise ! Drive your horse if you 
want to, but be still." 

It was very quiet for awhile, and Frankie's mother looked 
^ around to see her boy sitting astride the sofa^ushion, but the 
tears rolling down his cheeks. 

*' Why, Frankie, what is the matter? '' Frankie sobbed out: 

^'I can't make him go, mamma, unless I holler to him. 
It's all inside of me, and if it don't come out, I shall burst 1 " 



* 



''Well, I swan, Billy," said an old farmer to an undersized 
nephew who was visiting him, ''when you take off that 'ere 
plug hat and spit two or three times, there ain't much left of 
you, is there ? " 






A boy who discovered a cucumber growing on the vines, ra» 
excitedly into the house exclaiming : 

" Mamma, mamma, we've got a pickle on our squash !" 

ObUdish SimpUoity. 

Two little girls, one eight years old, the other six, sleep in 
the same chamber. In the morning the oldest one says : 

'* O, I have had such a nice dream ! " 

"What was it?" 

"I was in a large pastry-eook shop, and I ate as many 
cakes, strawbeiTv-tart8 and bonbons as I wanted." 

" Was I wit) I vou ( " asked the little one. 
' No.' 4jid the little one began to sob. 



OHILDBBN. 691 



The Bad MUwaukee Boy. 

^^ Bnt what ails yoar pa's teeth ? " asked the grocery man of 
the Dad boy. ^^ The hired girl was over here to get some com 
meal for gruel, and she said yonr pa was gamming it, since he 
lost his teeth." 

^' O, abont the teeth. That was too bad. Yon see my chnm 
has got a dog that is old, and his teeth have all come oat in 
Iront, and this morning I bonded pa's teeth before he got up, 
to see if we coaldn't fix them in the dog's mouth, so he could 
eat better. Pa says it is an evidence of a kind heart for a boy 
to be good to dumb animals, but its a dam mean dog that 
will go back on a friend. We tied the teeth in the dog's 
mouth with a string that went around his upper jaw, and 
another around his under jaw, and you'd a dide to see how 
funny he looked when he laffed. He looked just like pa 
when he tries to smile so as to get me to come up to him 
so he can lick me. The dog pawed his mouth a spell to 
get the teeth out, and then we gave him a bone with some 
meat on, and he began to gnaw the bone, and the teeth came 
off the plate, and he thought it was pieces of the bone, and he 
swallowed the teeth. My chum noticed it first, and he said 
we had got to get in our work pretty quick to save the plates, 
and I think we were in luck to save them. I held tlie dog, 
and my chum, who was better acquainted with him, untied 
the strings and got the gold plates out, but there were only 
two teeth left, and the dog was happy. He woggled his tail 
for more teeth, but we hadn't any more. I am going to give 
him ma's teeth some day. My chum says when a dog gets an 
appetite for anything you have got to keep giving it to him, or 
he goes back on you. But I think my chum played dirt on 
me. We sold the gold plates to a jewelry man, and my chum 
kept the money. I think, as long as I furnished the goods, he 
ought to have given me something besides the experience, don't 
you? After this I don't have any more partners, you bet*^ 

42 



592 WIT AND HTTMOB. 

All this time the boy was markiDg on a piece of paper, and 
soon after he went out the grocery man noticed a crowd out- 
side, and on going out he found a sign hanging up which 
read, " Wormy Figs for Pa/rtie%?^ 

When Ethel was a little girl with eyes brimftil of loveliness, 
and face rippling with fun and mischief, she heard her mama 
say a ''bee alighted on her cheek." 

"Why, mama,'' she said softly, "the bee took it for a 
flower — ^it is so tweet" 

Mark Twain on the First Sp»n Franoisoo Baby. 

Once I dined in San Francisco with the family of a pioneer, 
and talked with his daughter, a young lady whose first exper- 
ience in San Francisco was an adventure, though she herself 
did not remember it, as she was only two or three years old at 
the time. Her father said that, after landing 6*091 the ship, 
they were walking up the street, a servant leading the party 
with the little girl in her arms. And presently a huge miner, 
bearded, belted, spurred, and bristling with deadly weapons — 
just down from a long campaign in the moontams, evidently-^ 
barred the way, stopped the servant, and stood gazing, with a 
face all alive with gratification and astonishment Then he 
said, reverently : 

" Well, if it ain't a child 1 " And then he snatched a little 
leather sack out of his pocket and said to the servant : 

"There's a hundred and fifty dollars in dust, there, and I'll 
give it to you to let me kiss the child 1 " 

That anecdote is true. — MoArk Twain. 

Jolmnie's Arithmetic. 

" Johnnie, if I should give you one cat and Mr. Smith should 
give you another, how many would you have ? " 
" Well, Td try to have six. " 



fltfryYiTn^^^ip y^ 



698 



Byxnpatliy. 

*^ Only fancy, mamma," said Maud, ^^ IlDcle Jack took us to 
a picture gallery in Bond street, and there was a picture of a lot 
of early Christians, poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of 
lions and tigers, who were devouring them !" Ethel (with more 
sympathy), '^Yes, and mamma dear, there was one poor 
starving tiger that hadnH got a Christian." 




UnUB ETHBL'S FIOrUBB OF HKB PAFAl 

Stay Oat of Danger. 

*^ Father," said Johnnie, who was sawing wood, ^^they say 
fish bite first-rate now." 

" Who have they bitten lately, Johnnie? " 

"I mean they bite the hooks." 

" Well, you just stay right here, my son, sawing the wood, 
vnd don't go near the river, and they won't bite you«" 



How the Baby Grew. 

* ' Uncle John, " said little Emily, ' ' do you know that a baby that 
was fed on elephant's milk, gained twenty pounds in oneweek? " 

" Nonsense 1 Impossible!" exclaimed Unde John; and 
then he asked : " Whose baby was it? " 

*' The elephant's," said the little girL 



594 mr AND HUHOB. 

'Piayixig Oaxs. 

Litfle two-year old Etta often amuses herself by pladng the 
chairs in a row and calling them a train of cars. 

One evening, while thus engaged, I called, and unthinkingly 
occupied one of the ^'cars/^ Miss Etta, not wishing to have 
her play disturbed, stepped up and said : 

"Mister Pertins, dis is a train of tars." 

*'0h !" said I, "then TU be a passenger and take a ride, 
Miss Etta." 

Little Etta was not at all satisfied. After hesitating a 
moment, she said : " Where do 'on want to dit off, Mister 
Pertins ? " 

" I'll get off at Bloomington," I replied. 

"Well, Mister Pertins," said Etta, demurely, "dis is de 
place." 

Mark Twain*8 Bad LitUe Boy. 

Once there was a bad little boy whose name was Jim — 
though if you will notice, you will find that bad little boys are 
nearly always called James in your Sunday school books. It 
was strange, but still it was true that this one was called Jim. 

He didn't have any sick mother either — a sick mother who 
was pious and had the consumption, and would be glad to lie 
down in the grave and be at rest but for the strong love she 
bore her boy, and the anxiety she felt that the world might be 
harsh and cold towards him when she was gone. Most bad 
boys in the Sunday books are named James, and have sicb 
mothers, who teach them to say " Now, I lay me down," etc., 
and sing them to sleep with sweety plaintive voices, and then 
kiss them good night and kneel down by the bedside and 
weep. But it was different with this fellow. He was named 
Jim, and there wasn't anything the matter with his mother — 
no consumption, nor anything of that kind. She was rather 
stout than otherwise, and she was not pious ; moreover, she 



OBILDEEN* 595 

was not anxious on Jim's account She said if he were to 
break his neck it wouldn't be much loss. She always spanked 
Jim to sleep, and she never kissed him good night ; on the 
contrary, she boxed his ears when she was ready to leave him 

Once this bad little boy stole the key of the pantry, and 
dipped in there and helped himself to some jam, and filled 
np the vessel with tar, to that his mother would never know 
the difference ; but all at once a terrible feeling didn't come 
over him, and something didn't seem to wliisperto him, "Is 
it right to disobey my mother? Isn't it sinful to do thitf? 
Where do bad little boys go to who gobble up their good kind 
mother's jam?" and then he didn't kneel down all alone and 
promise never to be wicked any more, and rise up with a light, 
happy heart, and go and tell his mother all about it, and 
beg her forgiveness, and be blessed by her with tears of pride 
and thankfulness in her eyes. 

No ; that is the way with all other bad boys in the books ; 
but it happened otherwise with this Jim, strangely enough. 
He ate that jam, and said it was bully, in his sinful, vulgar 
way ; and he put in the tar, and said that was bully also, and 
laughed, and observed "that the old woman would get up and 
snort " when she found it out ; and when she did find it out, he 
denied knowing anything about it, and she whipped him 
severely, and he did the crying himself. Everything about 
this boy was curious — everything turned out differently with 
him from the way it does to the bad Jameses in the books. 

Once he climbed up in Farmer Acorn's apple-tree to steal 
apples, and the limb didn't break, and he didn't fall and break 
his arm, and get torn by the farmer's great dog, and then 
languish on a sick bed for weeks, and repent and become good. 
Oh, no ; he stole as many apples as he wanted, and came 
down all right ; and he was all ready for the dog, too, and 
knocked him endways with a brick when he came to tear him. 
It was very strange — nothing like it ever happened in those 
mild little books with marbled backs, and with pictures ia 



696 WIT AKD HUKOB. | 

them of men with swaUow-taHed coats and bell-crowned ' 

hats, and pantaloons that are short in the legs, and women I 

with the waists of their dresses under their arms, and no 
hoops on. Nothing like it in any of the Sunday school books. ' 

Once he stole the teacher's pen-knife, and, when he was | 

afraid it would be found out and he would get whipped, he 
slipped it into George Wilson's cap — poor widow Wilson's 
son, the moral boy, the good little boy of the village, who 
always obeyed his mother, and never told an untruth, and was | 

fond of his lessons and infatuated with Sunday school. And 
when the knife dropped from the cap, and poor George hung ! 

his head and blushed, as if in conscious guilt, and the grieved i 

teacher charged the theft upon him, and was just in the very i 

act of bringing the switch down upon his trembling shoulders, 
a white-haired, improbable justice of the peace did not snd* j 

denly appear in their midst, and strike an attitude and say, 
'* Spare this noble boy — ^there stands the cowering culprit ! 1 
was passing the school-door at recess, and unseen myself, I 
saw the theft committed I" And then Jim didn't get whaled, 
and the venerable justice didn't read the tearful scbool a 
homily, and take George by the hand and say such a boy 
deserved to be exalted, and then tell him to come and make 
his home with him, and sweep out the office, and make fires, 
and run errands, and chdp wood, and study law, and help his 
wife do household labors, and have all the balance of the time 
to play, and get forty cents a month, and be happy. No ; it 
would have happened that way in the books, but it didn't h&p- 
pen that way to Jim. No meddling old clam of a justice 
dropped in to make trouble, and so the model boy Greorge got 
tlirashed, and Jim was glad of it because, you know, Jim 
hated moral boys. Jim said he was ''down on them milk- 
sops. " Such was the coarse language of this bad, neglected 
boy. 

But the strangest thing that ever happened to Jim was the 
time he went boating on Sunday, and didn't get drowned, and 



OHTT.DRKN. 697 

that ofher time tbat he got caught* out in the storm when be 
was fishing on Sunday, and didn't get struck by lightning. 
Why, you might look, and look, all through the Sunday school 
books from now till next Christmas, and you would never 
come across anything like this. Oh no ; you would find that 
all the bad boys who go boating on Sunday invariably get 
drowned ; and all the bad boys who get caught out in storms 
when they are fishing on Sunday, infallibly get struck by 
lightning. Boats with bad boys in them always upset on 
Sunday, and it always storms when bad boys go fishing on 
the Sabbath. How this Jim ever escaped is a mysteiy 
to me. 

This Jim bore a charmed life — ^that must have been the way 
of it. Nothing could hurt him. He even gave the elephant 
in the menagerie a plug of tobacco, and the elephant didn't 
knock the top of his head off with his trunk. He browsed 
around the cupboard after essence of peppermint, and didn't 
make a mistake and drink aqua fortis. He stole his fiedher's 
gun and went hunting on the Sabbath, and didn't shoot three 
or four of his fingers off. He struck his little sister on the 
temple with his fist when he was angry, and she didn't linger 
in pain through long summer days, and die with sweet words 
of forgiveness upon her lips that redoubled the anguish of his 
breaking heart No ; she got over it He ran off and went 
to sea at last, and didn't come back and find himself sad and 
alone in the world, his loved ones sleeping in the quiet church* 
yard, and the vine-embowered home of his boyhood tumbled 
down and gone to decay. Ah, no ; he came home as 
drunk as a piper, and got into the station-house the first 
thing. 

And he grew up and married, and raised a large family, and 
brained them all with an axe one night, and got wealthy by all 
manner of cheating and rascality ; and now he is the infemalist 
vnckedest scoundrel in his native village, and is universally 
respected, and belongs to the Legislature. 



698 wrr akd HiTifOB. 

So jOQ see there never was a bad James in the Sunday school 
books that had such a streak of luck as this sinful Jim with the 
charmed life. 

Mark Twain's Good Little Boy. 

Once there was a good little boj by the name of Jacob Bliv- 
ens. He always obeyed his parents, no matter how absurd 
and unreasonable their demands were ; and he always learned 
his book, and never was late at Sabbath-school. He would not 
play hookey, even when his sober judgment told him it was the 
most profitable thing he could do. None of the* other boys 
could ever make that boy out, he acted so strangely. He 
wouldn't lie, no matter how convenient it was. He just said 
it was wrong to lie, and that W£^ suflSdent for him. And he 
was so honest that he was simply ridiculous. The curious 
ways that that Jacob had surpassed everything. He wouldn't 
play marbles on Sunday, he wouldn't rob birds' nests, he 
wouldn't give hot pennies to org^n-grinders' monkeys; he 
didn't seem to take any interest in any kind of rational amuse- 
ment. So the other boys used to try to re^on it out and 
come to an understanding of him, but they couldn't arrive at 
any satisfactory conclusion. As I said before, they could only 
figure out a sort of vague idea that he was '^afflicted," and so 
they took him under their protection, and never allowed any 
harm to come to him. 

This good little boy read all the Sunday-school books ; they 
were his greatest delight This was the whole secret of it 
He believed in the good little boys they put in the Sunday- 
school books ; he had every confidence in them. He longed 
to come across one of them alive, once ; but he never did. 
They all died before his time, maybe. Whenever he read 
about a particularly good one he turned over quickly to the 
end to see what became of him, because he wanted to travel 
thousands of miles and gaze on him ; but it wasn't any use : 
chat good little boy always died in the last chaptei, and there 



OHILDEEN. 599 

was a picture of the faneral, with all his relatioBS and the 
SundayHschool children standing aroand the grave in panta- 
loons that were too short, and bonnets that were too large, 
and everybody crying into handkerchiefs that had as mnch as 
'x yard and a half of stuff in them. He was always headed ofi 
in this way. He never could see one of those good little boys 
on account of his always dyiAg in the last chapter. 

Jacob had a noble ambition to be put in a Sunday-school 
book. He wanted to be put in with pictures representing him 
gloriously declining to lie to his mother, and her weeping for 
joy about it ; and pictures representing him standing on the 
doorstep giving a penny to a poor beggar-woman with six 
children, and telling her to spend it freely, but not to be ex- 
travagant, because extravagance is a sin ; and pictures of him 
magnanimously refnsing to tell on the bad boy who always 
lay in wait for him around the comer as he came from school, 
and welted him ^>ver the head with a lath, and then chased 
him home, saying, ** Hi I hi I '' as he proceeded. That was 
the ambition of young Jacob Blivens. He wished to be put 
in a Sunday-school book. It made him feel a little uncomfort- 
able sometimes when he reflected that the good little boys 
always died. He loved to live, you know, ^and this was thr 
most unpleasant feature about being a Sunday-school book boy 
He knew it was not healthy to be good. He knew it wab 
more fatal than consumption to be so supematurally good as 
the boys in the books were ; he knew that none of them had 
ever been able to stand it long, and it pained him to think that 
if they put him in a book he wouldn't ever see it, or even, if 
they did get the book out before he died it wouldn't be popular 
without any picture of his funeral in the back part of it. ft 
couldn't be. much of a Sunday-school book that couldn't tell 
about the advice he flrave to the commuziity when he was dying. 
So at last, of course, he had to make up nis mind to do the 
best he could under the circumstances — to live right, and 



600 wrr and hukob. 

hang on as long as lie oonld, and have his dying speech all 
ready when his time came. 

But somehow nothing ever went right with this good little 
boy ; nothing ever turned out with him the way it turned out 
with the good little boys in the books. They always had a 
good time, and the bad boys had the broken legs, but in his 
case there was a screw loose somewhere, and it all happened 
just the other way. When he found Jim Blake stealing apples, 
and went under the tree to read to him about the bad little boy 
who fell out of a neighbor's apple-tree and broke his arm, Jim 
fell out of the tree too, but he fell on Azm, and broke his arm, 
and Jim wasn't hurt at all. Jacob couldn't understand that 
There wasn't anything in the books Uke it. 

And once, when some bad boys pushed a blind man over in 
the mud, and Jacob ran to help him up and receive his bless- 
ing, the blind man did not give him any blessing at all, but 
whacked him over the head with his stick atid said he would 
like to catch him shoving him again, and then pretending to 
help him up. This was not in accordance with any of the 
books. Jacob looked them all over to see. 

One thing that Jacob wanted to do was to find a lame dog 
that hadn't any place to stay and was hungry and persecuted, 
and bring him home and pet him and have that dog's imper- 
ishable gratitude. And 'at last he found one and was happy ; 
and be brought him home and fed him, but when he was 
going to pet him the dog flew at him and tore all the clothes 
off him except those that were in tront, and made a spectacle 
of him that was astonishing. lie examined authorities, but 
he could not understand the matter. It was of the same breed 
of dogs that was in the books, but it acted very differently. 
Whatever this boy did he got into trouble. The very things 
the boys in the books got rewarded for turned out to be about 
the most unprofitable things he could invest in. 

Once, when he was on his way to Sunday-school, he sav 
some bad boys starting off pleasuring in a sail-boat He was 



601 

filled with consternation, because he knew from reading that 
boys who went sailing on Sunday invariably got drowned. So 
he ran out on a raft to warn them, but a log turned with him 
and slid him into the river. A man got him out pretty soon, 
and the doctor pumped the water out of him, and gave him a 
tresh start with his bellows, but he caught cold and lay sick 
al>ed nine weeks. But the most unaccountable thing about it 
was that the bad boys in the boat had a good time all day, and 
then reached home alive and well in the most surprising 
manner, Jacob Blivens said there was nothing like these things 
in the books. He was perfectly dumfounded. 

When he got well he was a little discouraged, but he. resolved 
to keep on trying anyhow. He knew that so far hip experience 
wouldn't do to go in a book, but he hadn't yet reached the 
allotted term of life for good little boys, and he hoped to be 
able to make a record yet if he could hold on till his time was 
folly up. If everything else failed he had his dying speech to 
Ml back on. 

He examined his authorities, and found that it was now time 
for him to go to sea as a cabin-boy. He called on a ship cap 
tain and made Iiis application, and when the captain asked for 
his recommendations he proudly drew out a tract and pointed 
to the words, ''To Jacob Blivens, from his aflfectionate teacher." 
But the captain was a course, vulgar man, and he said, '^Oh, 
that be blowed ! that wasn't any proof that he knew how to 
wash dishes or handle a slush-bucket, and he guessed he didn't 
want him." This was altogether the most extraordinary thing 
that ever happened to Jacob in all his life. A compliment 
from a teacher, on a tract, had never failed to move the tender- 
est emotions of ship captains, and open the way to all offices of 
honour and profit in their gift — it never had in any book that 
ever he had read. He could hardly believe his senses. 

The boy always had a hard time of it. Nothing ever came 
out according to the authorities with him. At last» one day, 
whfdfi he was around hunting up bad little boys to admonish, he 



602 WIT AND HUMOB* 

> 

found a lot of them in the old iron foundry fixing up a little 
joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs, which they had tied together 
in long procession, and were going to ornament with empty 
nitro-glycerine cans made fast to tlieir tails. Jacob's heart was 
touched. He sat down on one of those cans (for he never 
minded grease when duty was before him), and he took hold of 
the foremost dog by the collar, and turned his reproving eye 
upon wicked Tom Jones. But just at that moment Alderman 
McWelter, full of wrath, stepped in. All the bad boys ran 
away, but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence and began 
one of those stately little Sunday-school-book speeches which 
always commence with "Oh, sir!" in dead opposition to the 
fact that no boy, good or bad, ever starts a remark with "Oh, 
sir." But the alderman never waited to hear the rest He took 
Jacob Blivens by the ear and turned him around, and hit him 

a whack in the rear with the flat of his hand ; and in an instant 
that good little boy shot out through the roof and soared away 
towards the sun, with the fragments of those fifteen dogs string- 
ing after him like the tail of a kite. And there wasn't a sign 
of that alderman or that oW iron foundry left on the face of the 
earth ; and, as for young Jacob Blivens, he never got a chan2e 
to make his last dying speech after all his trouble fixing it up, 
unless he made it to the birds ; because, although the bulk o* 
him came down all right in a tree-top in an adjoining county, 
the rest of liim was apportioned around among four townships, 
and so they had to hold five inquests on him to find out 
whether he was dead or not, or how it occurred. "You never 
saw a boy scattered so. 

Tlius perished the good little boy who did the best he could, 
but didn't come out according to the books. Every boy who 
ever did as he did prospered except him. His case is truly 
remarkable. It will probably ntis er ])e accounted for. 

"Willie, I'm going to Heaven," she wrote, "and you will 
aever see me again ; " which was very rough on Willie. 



CHILDREN. 608 



Very Bad Boy 



In 1888, George Peck wrote a series of Bad-Boy papers 
which had a phenomenal sale throoghout America. They 
were pure hnmor with now and then a touch of exaggeration 
which blossomed into wit. Tliey were written to the average 
man. A specimen is appended : 



HOW HIS FATHER KILLED HIM. 



"Naw,'' said the groceryman, as he charged the cheese to 
the boy's father, and picked up his cigar stub, which he had 
left on the counter, and which the boy had rubbed on the ker- 
osene barrel. . " No, sir, tliat whistle would scare any dog that 
heard it. Say, wliat was your pa running after the doctor in 
his shirt-sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked scared. 
Was your ma sick again ? " 

^^O, no, ma is healthy enough now she has got a new fur- 
lined cloak. She played consumption on pa, and coughed so 
she liked to raise her lights and liver, and made pa believe 
she couldn't live, and got the doctor to prescribe a f r-lined 
circular, and pa went and got one, and ma improved awfiilly. 
Her cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I was the 
one that was sick. You see, I wanted to get pa into the 
church again, and get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to 
write a letter to him, in a female hand, and sign the name of 
a choir singer pa was mashed on, and tell him she was yearn- 
ing for him to come back to tlie church, and that the cliurch 
seemed a blank without his smiling face and benevolent heart, 
and to please come back for her sake. 

"• Pa got the letter Saturday night, and he seemed tickled, 
but I guess he dreamed alx)iit it all night,- and Sunday morn- 
ing he was mad and took me by the ear and said I couldn't 
come no ' Daisy ' business on him a second time. He said he 
knew i wrote the letter, and for me to go up in the store-room 
and prepare for the almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he 



604 ^irrr ani> HUMoa 

went down stairs and broke np an apple barrel and got a stavtt 
to whip me with. Well, I had to think mighty quick, but I 
was enough for him. I got a dried bladder in my room, one 
that me and my chum got to a slotterhouse, and I Mowed it 
partly up, so it would be sort of flat like, and I put it down 
inside the back part of my pants, right about where pa hits 
when he punishes me. I knowed when the barrel stave hit 
the bladder it would explode. Well, pa he came up and 
found me crying. 

^^ I can cry just as easy as you can turn on the water at a 
faucet, and pa took off his coat and looked sorry. I was afraid 
he would give up whipping me when he see me cry, and I 
wanted to go on with the bladder experiment, i^ I looked kind 
of hard, as if I was defying him to do his worst, and then he 
took me by the neck and laid me across a trunk. I didn't dare 
struggle much for fear the bladder would lose itself, and pa 
said, ' Now Hennery, I am going to break you out of this 
damfoolishness, or I will break your back,' and he spit on his 
hands and brough the barrel stave down on my best pants 
Well, you'd a dide if you had heard the explosion. It almost 
knocked me off the trunk. It sounded like firing a fire- 
cracker away down cellar in a barrel, and pa looked scared.' 
I rolled off the trunk on the floor, and put some flour on my 
face to make me look pale, and then I kind of kicked my legs 
like a fellow who is dying on the stage, after being stabbed 
with a piece of lath, and groaned and said : ' Pa, you have 
killed me, but I forgive you ' ; and then I rolled around and 
frothed at the mouth to make foam. Well, 'pa was all broke 
up. He said : ' Great God, what have I done ? I have broke 
his spinal column, O, my poor boy, do not die I ' I kept 
chewing the soap and foaming at the mouth, and I drew 
my legs up and kicked them out, and clutched my hair, and 
rolled my eyes, then kicked pa in the stummick as he bent 
over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then my 
limbs b^gan to get rigid, and I said : ^Too late, pa. I die at 



OHILDBXR* ' 606 

the hand of an assasm. Oo for a doctor/ Pa throwed his 
coat over me, and started downstairs on a run, saying, ^^ I 
have murdered my brave boy," and he told ma to go upstairs 
and stay with me, 'cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured 
a blood-vessel, and he went after the doctor. 

*' When he went out of the front door I sat up and lit a 
dgaret, and ma came up and I told her all about how I fooled 
pa, and if she would take on and cry when pa got back I would 
get him to go to church again and swear off drinking, and she 
laffed and said she would. So when pa and the doctor got 
back, ma was sitting on a velocipede I used to ride, which was 
in the storeroom, and she had her apron ov^r her face, and she 
more than bellowed. Pa he was pale, and he told the doctor 
that he was just a playing with me with a little piece of board, 
and he heard something crack, and he guessed my spine got 
broke rolling off the trunk. The doctor wanted to feel where 
my spine was broke, but I opened my eyes and had a vacant 
sort of stare, like a woman who leads a dog by a string, and I 
told the doctor there was no use setting my spine, as it was 
broke in several places, and I wouldn't let him feel of the dried 
bladder. 

'^I told pa that I was going to die, and I wanted him to 
promise me two things on my dying bed. He cried and said 
he would, and I told him to promise me he would quit drink- 
ing and attend church regular, and he said he would never 
drink another drop and would go to church every Sunday. I 
made him get down on his knees beside me and swear it, and 
the doctor witnessed it, and ma said she was so glad, and ma 
called the doctor out into the hall and told him the joke, and 
the doctor came in the room and told pa that he was afraid pa's 
presence would excite the patient, and for pa to put on his coat 
and go out and walk around a block or go to church, and ma 
and he would remove me to another room, and do all that was 
possible to make my last hours pleasant Pa he cried, and 
said be would put on his plug hat and go to church, and he 



606 wrr and humor. 

« 

kissed me, and got flour on his nose, and I came near langbing 
right out to see the white flour on his red nose, when I thought 
how the people in church would laugh at pa. But he 
went out feeling mighty bad, and then I got oat and 
pulled the busted bladder out of my pants, and ma and 
the doctor they laughed awftil. When pa got back from church 
and asked for me, ma said that I was gone down town. She 
said the doctor found my spine was only uncoupled and he 
coupled it together, and I was all right Pa said it was 
^ almighty strange, 'cause I heard the spine break when I hit 
him with the barrel stave.' Pa was nervous all the afteraoon, 
and ma thinks he suspects we played it on him. Say, you 
don't think there is any harm in playing it on an old man a 
little, do you, for a good cause, do you ? " 

That Freokle-Faoed QirL 

The freckle-faced little girl was sent to Sabbath-school last 
Sunday to counteract the effect of her remarks to the parson 
and show that the family was not quite as wicked as she had 
made it appear. The teacher told the class about Jonah, and 
offered to answer any questions the children wanted to ask 
about the surprising adventures of the man who was thrown 
overboard for luck and swallowed for a sprat. The little girl 
stopped making faces at the boy with laige ears in the next 
class and wanted to know if the whale in the story was in the 
Common Council. The lady smiled at the question, and taking 
special pride in her peculiar knack of '' drawing out " children 
and analyzing the operations of their immature minds, she in- 
quired the reason of the question. 

'' I didn't know," Baid the freckled-faced girl. " Your hus- 
band is in the Common Council 'n my pa says he's got a 
nap'tite like the whale what ate up Mr. Jones. Pa says he 
seen a bill for a lunch over to Parker's 'n it said your husband 
ate twenty dollar's worth at one sitting, besides a box of dgan 



OHILDBBK. 607 

'n winp ^nnff to float the debt he was piling on folks what was 
more nonest ^n not so blamed hungry 'tween meals. Pa said 
twas 'sprisin' what appetites some whales 'n most politishuns 
did have. Then Uncle Dick — he's been out west 'n ev'rv- 
where, 'n says he's a bad man fm some place I forgot — he 
said 'twas a curious fact which he'd noticed that the whale 
couldn't swaller a smelt whole till he got in the Bible, 'n your 
husband couldn't eat* nothin' but a sandwich for lunch till he 
got in the city guv'ment, 'n then he'd take a whole hotel 'n a 
cigar store thrown in at one sulph 'n swaller his conscience on 
top o' that to settle his stomach. Then pa said another time 
lie guessed he was a whale liisself for swallerin' all your hus- 
band said 'bout 'conomy before 'lection, 'n then Uncle Dick, 
he laughed 'n said that was what come of the damdimmick 
rats takin' in all the Jonah's the either side flung overboard, 
'n he guessed the whale was getting a little seasick. Then pa 
said he 'sposed he oughter knowed better than to vote for a 
man what used to be 'sociated with Republicans, 'n Uncle 
Dick said that was so, cause Republicans always turned out 
men wich hadn't got no principles, only stomachs. Aint this 
the same whale Uncle Dick said ? " 

^•Well, it's high time your mother sent you to Sabbath 
achool," replied the teacher severely. "The influences around 
you at home are perfectly awful for a child of your age and 
naturally wicked disposition. Where do you suppose you will 
go to if you learn to talk such scandal about your neighbors ? " 

"I dunno. Over to Miss Sliderback's, I guess, Ma says 

« 

that's where you'n Miss Magruder go to talk about the neigh- 
bors, 'n I 'spose I can go, too, when I get big 'nuff. I'd 
rather go to dancing school though, 'n ma says I can when pa 
gets the money Deacon Sliderback cheated him out of that 
time they swapped horses." 

The teacher told the freckled-faced girl to stop talking and 
ieam two verses, and the little heathen hid her face behind 
book and whispered to the next little girl, whose father is the 



008 wrr akd bxjmqr. 

superintendenty ^^Saj, donH joar pa talk throagh his no0e 
fanny? My pa Bays if your pa would stay at home ^m 
prayer meetin' to mix a little more sugar with the sand he 
sells for fourteen cents a pound, p'raps be might not need a 
fire-proof coffin when he dies." 

Then she devoted herself to making faces at the boy with 
large ears and giggled at the way the teacher twisted her 
mouth trying to sing a hymn. 

IdtUa Bthel'8 Cross-Szamination. 

Ethel's mother was taking her over to Brooklyn to visit Edna 
Mapleson. They both sat in the rear cabin of the Fulton ferry- 
boat. A few seats away was a man with a wooden leg. As 
the boat started the child turned to the mother in search of a 
little information. 

'^ Mamma," she began, ^^ how does the boat movef ' 

" By steam, my dear." 

" And how do they get the steam?" 

" A man below makes it, dear." 

** And suppose the man forgot to make enough steam to take 
us all the way across? " 

" Well, I suppose the wind would blow us across, then." 

" But suppose there was not enough wind?" 

" O, don't bother me any more, dear. I am sure I don't 
know what we should do then." 

" But, mamma — " 

At this instant the inquisition came to a sudden stop. With 
unerring instinct Ethel's eye had lighted upon the man with 
the wooden leg. That eye at once became fixed, dilating with 
concentrated interest. The child crawled down from her seat, 
upon which she had been kneeling, in order to afford that eye 
better facilities for observation. The object of scrutiny 
squirmed uneasily in his seat. Her mother, probably 6m% 
mising what might be coming and presumably acting in tho 



\ 



OHILDBXN. 609 

light of previons experience, souglit to create a diversion by 
sncoessiyely calling attention to a little French poodle at the 
other end of the cabin, to a passing tug-boat, and to a ^'little 
rtian np there on the big bridge." It was all of no use. Turn- 
ing to her mother, little Etliel exclaimed in a portentous 
whisper: 

*' Oh, ma I Look at that man." 

" Hush, my dear. You must not be rude." 

" But, ma " (in a very audible whisper) " do look at his leg." 

"Be quiet, Ethel, I tell you," frantically urged the matron 
in agitated tones. "The poor man has lost his leg. It's very 
rude to notice it" 

" What's that one made of? " 

"Hush 1 of wood, my dear. Look at that pretty little boy 
over there. See how good he is." 

"Did you ever have a leg like that, ma? " 

" No* my dear. Look over there at that — " 

"Will pa, or Uncle John, or I ever have one, mat '^ 

"No, dear." 

"Could he kick a ball with that leg?'* 

"Hush, do!" 

"But ma—" 
At this juncture the man with the wooden leg sought in 
turn to create a diversion. He drew from his pocket a pretty 
little bon-bon box and offered the cliild some sweetmeats. The 
child accepted them with some hesitation and mistrust. An 
instant later the boat reached the slip. Ethel's mother rose 
and smiling graciously, said : "Thank the gentleman, Ethel, 
and say good-by." 

Ethel advanced, her eyes still firmly fixed upon the objoct of 
interest. She held out the tips of her little fingers. 

" Good by," she said, " in a voice full of emotion ; " good- 
by, you poor, poor man." 

Then her mother seized the child by the hand and hurrying 
through the boat j^ained the bridse. 



610 WIT AND HTJMOB. 

How Johnny Broke the Newa. 

^^Ohl ma, ma,'' shrieked Johnny, rushing into his mother's 
room, ^^a man down the street knocked pa out with an 
umbrella and broke three ribs. He — " 

''What I Three ribs? What will become of us. Oh, my 
son, your poor father will die. Here, John, run down to Dr. 
Blank's and tell him to come up imn^ediately with bandages. 
Mary, tell James to bring the carriage immediately. Dear 
George, three ribs broken, how he must suifer. It's awfut 
Well, good bye, Johnnie, I'm off to Papa ! " 

'* Why^ G^rge ! ^' she exclaimed, as she saw her husband 
smoking a cigar with his it^» protruding out of the office win- 
dow. " I thought you were hurt ? " 

'' Hurt? My, no. A crank hit me with his umbrella, bui 
fortunately I got it away hx>m him before he did much damage 
See, theife it is. Three ribs broken, and — " 

The end. 

Johnny's Story. 

After telling little Johnny several stories, I asked him to tell 
one to me. 

'' Wal untie Eli," said Johnny, " I'll tell 'ou a nice long tory 
T)out a itty baby and a wudpecker. 

" Once a man wich lived in the woods was cuttin down trees;^ 
and he had so many babys that his wife cudent mind em all to 
home, so he tuke the baby with him and laid it on a stump 
wile he chopped. The baby was red-heded, and wudpeckers is 
red-heded too. Pretty Soon the baby it begin to cri, and there 
was a wudpecker setting on a limb, and it thought to itself: 
' Poor itty baby, what has become of your ole mudder, you 
must be offle hungry. I'll see if I can't do something for you;" 
and when the man came to the baby for to toss it up anyway, 
^Gitchy, gitchy^ gitchy,' he sees the wudpecker drop a long 



1 

GHILDBSN. 611 

rei worm in the baby's mouth and fli back to the limb. Then 
the man he pulled out the worm, wich was a chokin the baby, 
and he lookt up at the wudpecker and said : 

" ' My good feller, if you keep a boardin' house wot is your 

terms?"* # # 

» 

^^ Are yon lost, my little fellow?" asked a gentleman of a 
fbur-yearHf>ld one day. 

'* No," he sobbed in reply, " b-but m-my mother is." 

« « 
» 

A benevolent and kind-hearted old gentleman, seeing a sooty 
urchin weeping bitterly at the comer of the street, asked him 
the cause of his distress : 

^^ Master has been using me shameftiUy," sobbed the little 
fellow, '^he has been letting Bill Uudson go up the chimney, 
next door, when it was my turn I He said it was too high, and 
too dangerous for me, but V\l go up a chimney with Bill Hud* 
son any day in the year ; that's what I will I " 

• 

The Elind of Little Boys who arc to Heaven. 

The teacher had grown eloquent in picturing to his little 
pupils the beauties of heaven, and he finally asked : 

"What kind of little boys go to heaven ? " 

A lively four-yearold boy, with kicking boots, held up hie 
hand. 

"Well, you may answer," said the teacher. 

"Dead ones I " the little fellow shouted, at the extent of his 

lungs. ^^ ^ 

* 

Little George knelt down and prayed : O, Lord, bless the 
baby and make him so he can^t cry. Bless brother Bill and 
make him as good a boy as I am. Good bye, Lord, I'm ^oing 
to the circus in the morning. Amen." Tlien, as if he had for- 
gotten something, Tommy hollered out, "O, Lord, don't tor 
getBilll" 



612 WIT ASD HUMOB. 

Baby is Dead 1 

'^ Baby is dead !'' Three little words passing along the line; 
copied somewhere and soon forgotten. But after all was quiet 
again I leaned my head upon my hand and fell into a deep 
reverie of all that those words may mean. 

Somewhere — ^a dainty form, still and cold, unclasped by 
mother's arms tonight Eyes that yesterday were bright and 
blue as skies of June, dropped tonight beneath white lids that 
no voice can ever raise again. 

Two soft hands, whose rose-leaf fingers were wont to wan- 
der lovingly around mother's neck and face, loosely holding 
white buds, quietly folded in coffined rest 

Soft lips, yesterday rippling with laughter, sweet as wood- 
land brook falls, gay as trill of forest bird, tonight unresponsive 
to kiss or call of love. 

A silent home — the patter of baby feet forever hushed — ^a 
cradle bed unpressed. Little shoes half worn — dainty garments 
— shoulder knots of blue to match those eyes of yesterday, 
folded* with aching heart away. 

A tiny mound, snow-covered, in some quiet graveyard. 

A mother's groping touch, in uneasy slumber, for the fair 
head that shall never again rest upon her bosom, l^e low sob, 
the bitter tear, as broken dreams awake to sad reality. The 
hopes of ftiture years wrecked, like fair ships that sudder ly go 
down in sight of land. 

The watching of other babies, dimpled, laughing, strong, 
and this one gone! The present agony of grief, the ftiturB 
emptiness of heart, all held in those three little words, ^^ Baby 
is dead!" 

Indeed, it is well that we can copy and soon forget the wordB 
so freighted with woe to those who receive and send them. 
And yet it cannot harm us now and then to give a tender 
thought to those whom our careless pen stroke is preparing 
such a weight of griefl 



OHiLDBflar. 618 

Ghrandpa'8 Ezperienoe With His Pet. 

Grandpa loved the baby. Tlie baby is three years old, with 
the prettiest big blue eyes, the plumpest, reddest cheeks, the 
dearest, dimpled mouth, and the cunningest ways in the world. 
Baby has sturdy little legs and restless, strong little arms, and 
is an example of perpetual motion. Baby's grandpa accom- 
panied him on various walks over on the West Side, but 
grandpa's ambition was to take baby down to the store, where 
the boys could see what a phenomenal child he is, and what 
cunnings ways he has. Yesterday morning grandpa dressed 
baby up, and when he started away with grandpa he looked, 
with his wavy golden hair, bright eyes, and little brown cloak, 
like one of Kate Greenaway's creations imbued with life. When 
the passengers in the car smiled at baby and remarked how 
sweet he was, grandpa was happy and chuckled as he thought 
of the enjoyment of having baby with him at the store. Once 
at the store baby was the centre of an admiring crowd of 
grandpa's business companions. Baby was shy at first, and 
one fat fist was pushed into the little mouth, while baby's ejes 
were cast upon the floor. Pretty soon, though, baby regained 
his usual spirits and started on a tour of investigation. His 
first venture was to pull over a lot of ledgers and account-books 
that had been undergoing an investigation, and on top of this 
pile he poured the contents of a big bottle of violet ink. Pur- 
suing his investigations further, baby found himself in the 
ofiSce, where the brightly varnished safe, with its. impossible 
landscapes, at once attracted attention. The heavy door was 
closed, and baby, by standing on a chair, could just reach the 
combination knob, the brightness of which had attracted his eye. 
He played with the pretty knob, turning it round and round 
ever so many times, and laughing to himself. But the man 
who came to open the safe, and who was in a dreadful hurry, 
didu^t laugh, for the lock had been worked for years on a part 
of the combination, and baby had destroyed it completely, and 



614 % wrr and humok. 

three honrs were required to find the combination again. Out 
in a back room baby found a hammer and some tacks, and 
filled some new deska full of pretty tin tacks. Then following 
the promptings of his busy little mind he pulled a piece oi 
string to see what was on the otiier end of it There was a 
mantel ornament belonging to one of the boys on the other 
end, and when the baby pulled the ornament tipped over and 
was shattered. Baby was frightened at tlie muss he had made, 
and hid himself in a box that stood on end near the door, and 
that had been used to hold soft coal during the winter. Grand- 
pa found him there, but in what a plight ! His little face and 
hands, and his beautiftil white dress were begrimed with the 
nasty coal-dust. Grandpa brushed him off and washed his face 
and hands, and made him somewhat presentable, after which 
he sat him down in a big chair and told him to sit still. Baby 
sat still about a minute and then slid down out of the chair, 
and wandered away into the back room, where he suddenly 
spied a little dog curled up asleep on the top of a box. Baby 
stood on his toes, got a good grip on doggy's tail, and pulled. 
The dog woke up. And the next minute baby's little legs 
were working for dear life as he fled toward grandpa's quarters. 
Grandpa met him, kicked the dog, quieted baby, tried to patch 
up the places in baby's dress where the dog's teeth had made 
ragged rents, and began to club himself for bringing baby 
down town. Finally baby capped tlie climax by upsetting on 
himself a can of lard oil, and Grandpa quit work for the rest 
of the day, wrapped the baby in thick brown paper, tied a 
string around him and took him home. It will be some time 
before grandpa will take his pet down town with him again. 
Baby had a good time, though. 

Onoe More the Boy ia Ahecul 

Among the guests of a New York hotel was a maiden lady 
from the rural districts. The landlord noticed that about 9 



CHILDREN. 



61d 



o'clock every night she would come down stairs, get a pitcher 
of ice-water and return to her room. 

^^One night,'' he said, ^^I made bold to speak to her, and 
asked why she did not ring the bell for a hall boy to bring the 
ice-water to her." 

" * But there is no bell in my room/ 

" * No beU in your room, madam ! Pray, let me show you,' 
and with that I took the pitcher of ice-water in my hand and 
escorted her to her apartment. Theu I pointed out to her the 
knob of the electrio-bell. S^e gazed at it with a sort of horror, 
and then exclaimed : 

" *Dear mel Is tl^at abellt -Why the hall-boy told metha: 
was the fire-alarm signal, and that I must never tonch it, ezcepi 
Jn case of fire?' 

*^ And that is how the hall-boy saved himself the trouble of 
going for ice-water. "'' 



RillLRDilD ilNECDDTES RNB 
JDKES DN THE TRillNS. 

Stanley Huntley's Slow Train. 

" Are we on a downgrade ? " asked an impetuous passenger, 
gazing first at the conductor and then earnestly out at the 
window. 

"No, sir," replied the conductor, coldly. "This is a pe^ 
fectly level track. There ar^ no grades on this road." 

"That's curious," mumbled the passenger, opening the 
window and sticking his head out 

"If anything," continued the conductor, exasperated by 
the man's conduct, " if anything, we are going up a slight m> 
dine." 

" That's wonderfiil I " exclaimed the passenger. " I thought 
it was remarkable if we wer- on a down grade, but under the 
circumstances it's miraculous * 

" What is ? " growled the conductor. " What're you talk- 
ing about, anyhow ? " 

"I simply can't understand how that cow should beat ua 
going up hill, that's all, " sighed the impetuous passenger, sink 
ing thoughtfully back into his seat 

Burdette on the Train. 

The train had run into a snow-drift, and the engine was but- 
ting its head in vain against a six-foot bank. 

" For once the iron horse appears to be beaten," remarked fi 
iat woman in a seoond-class carriage. 



RAILROAD ANKcrkrrss. 617 

"You shouldn't call it an iron horse,'' mildly reproved a 
solemn-facel man. 

' Why not ? " asked the fat woman in some surprise. 

^^ Because it's block tin," softly murmured the solemn-fiused 
man, as he gazed out of the window and across the wintry 
waste, with a far-away look in his eye. 

Anxious To Ride. 

''Where are you going, anyhow?" asked an irate conduc- 
tor on the Michigan Central, the other day, of a '*beat" 
whom he had kicked off five or six times, but who always 
managed to get on again just as the train started. 

^' Well," said the fellow quietly, " I'm going to Chicago, if 
my pants hold out ; but I'm afraid I'll never get there if you 
fellows kick me off every five minutes." 

He was not disturbed again on that conductor's division. 

mi PerUns on Ohildren. 

Today I sat in a car-seat on the Lake Shore road, behind a 
paie, care-worn young lady, who was taking a little boy from 
Cleveland to Ashtabula. As the little boy was of a very 
inquiring mind, and as everything seemed to attract his atten- 
tion, I could not help listening to some of his questions. 

''What is that, Auntie?" the little boy commenced, as he 
pointed to a heap of yellow com. 

" .0, that's corn, dear," answered the care-worn lady. 

" What is com. Auntie ?" 

"Why, com is com, dear." 

" But what is com made of?" 

'* Why, com is made of dirt, and water, and air, darling.' 

" Who makes it, Auntie ?" 

" God makes it, dear." 

"Does He make it in the day-time or in the night?" 



618 WIT AND HUMOB. 

** In both, dear." 

" And Sundays?" 

" Yes; all the time." 

^* AinH it wicked to make com on Sunday, Auntie?'' 

" 0, 1 don't know. Do keep still, Freddie — ^that's a dear' 
Auntie's tired." 

After remaining quiet a moment, little Freddie broke out: 

"Where do stars come from, Auntie ?" 

" I don't know : nobody knows.*' 
• " Did. the moon lay 'em?" 

" Tos, I guess so," replied the wii^ked lady. 

*' Can the moon lay eggs, too ?" 

" I suppose so. Don't bother me." 

A short silence, when Freddy broke out again : 

*' Fanny Mason says oxins is a owl, Auntie ; is they f 

*'0, perhaps so." 

"I think a whale could lay eggs, don't you, Auntie?" 

" O, yes, I guess so!" said the shameless woman. 

" Did you ever see a whale on his nest?" 

"O, I guess so." 

"Where?" 

" O, I don't know! Do keep still, Freddy!" and the lady 
gave a sigh and looked out of the window. 

A moment afterwards Freddy looked out of the window and 
saw a man milking a cow. 

" What is he doing to the cow. Auntie ?" 

" Milking her, dear." 

" Where do they put the milk in, Auntie ?" 

" O, in her mouth." 

" Did you ever see them put the milk in ?" 

"O, yes." 

"Where?" 

" I mean no. Freddy you must be quiet — I'm getting 
ei'azv !" 

" What makes you crazy, Auntie I" 



RAILROAD ANECDOTES. 619 

**0, dear! yon ask so many questions." 

The little boy seemed to be puzzled and thoughtful a mo- 
ment ; but soon his curiosity got the better of him, and as the cars 
passed a pasture in which were a sheep and a lamb he asked : 

" Where do lambs come from. Auntie ?" 

" O, from the old sheep. The old sheep has them." 

*'Can little boys have lambs?" 

" Certainly ; I'll let you have a lamb, Freddy, when you get 
home." 

*' Did you ever have a lamb, Auntie ?" 

"O, of course, dear." 

" Where ?" 

" O, Freddy, do stop I You ask such foolish questions. I'm 
all fagged out You will drive me crazy ;" and then the poor, 
worn-out woman leaned her aching head on the back of the for- 
ward seat, while Freddy busied himself placing his mouth 
against the window, and soliloquized in a sing-song tone: 

^' Mary had a little lamb! 

^^ Sheep had a little lamb! 

^^ Auntie had a little lamb! 

" O, Auntie! Auntie!" 

" What is it, Freddy ?" asked the poor woman, waking up 

" Did you ever see a little fly eat sugar?" 

"Yes, dear." 

"Where?" 

" Freddy, sit down on that seat and be still, or I'll shake 
you. I won't be tormented to death. Now, not another 
word." And the lady pointed her finger sharply at the little 
boy, as if she was going to stick it th^ough him. 

If she had been a wicked man she would have sworn ; and 
still we have eight million little boys like Freddy in the United 
States, each one causing more or less profanity. 

And, notwithstanding all this, the Y.M.C. A.'8 throughout 
the country denounce Herod and Pharaoh as biased men, be- 
cause they ordered all the children killed — except their own. 



620 ' WIT AND HUMOB. 

She Misunderstood. 

EU PerMu. 

A condactor on the '' Alton," who was collecting fare, cam« 
to a young lady and repeated mechanically : 

" Miss, you/r fare ! " 

*^ Sir ! ^^ exclaimed the young lady, somewhat confused. 

" I say yawr fa/re ! " 

^^ Well, that's what the young men say in Bloomington, but, 
coming from a stranger, I " 

'*0, ah I I mean your ticket," said the conductor, mow 
confused than the young lady. 

* 
No word was spoken when they met, 

By either— sad or gay ; 
And yet one badly smitten was, 

'Twas mentioned the next day. 
They met by chance this atitamn eve, 

With neither giants nor bow ; 
They often come together so — 

A Might train and a cow. 

Railroad Accident. 

Man's back across track. £ngine roars ; man snores. Engine 
rushed ; man squashed. 

Widow snorts ; seeks courts. Lawyer weeps ; jury sleeps. 
Judge charges heavy largess. Jury hollers, "5,000 $." 

Land and Water Traveling. 

" Sambo, what's your opinion of traveling by railway and 
steamboat i " 

"Now you're talkin', boss! Good gracious I I tole you 
dere's a heap o' difference. When youse on de railroad and 
an axident happens, you're right dar ; but when youse on de 
steamboat and she busts and blows up, whar are you I dat's de 
question. I tell you, boss, you're no whar I " 



SAILBOAD ANB0D0TB8. « 621 



Slow Train. 



X 



^^ How long is it since this railroad was completed i ^' asked 
a tired passenger on a slow train. 

^^ Well, it is now about five years since the first train was 
ran over it." 

^'Indeed ! Then I sappose we may meet it coming back I " 



« « 

« 



"If yer goin' to smoke on this car yerll have to get off to 
do it," remarked a zealous conductor, recently. 

"Let's see yer put me off," was the ready reply, as the 
smoker jumped off from the car and assumed a belligerent 
attitude. 



« » 



"Is this seat engaged, miss?" asked a young swell of a 
bright looking maiden on the train the other day. 
"No, sir," she modestly replied, " but I am." 



Lewis on the Mixed Train. 

On some of the western roads they attach a passenger car to 
a freight train, and call it "mixed." It isn't in the order of 
things that such trains should travel very rapidly, and some- 
times there is considerable growling among the "traffic." 

"Are we most there, conductor?" asked a nervous man for 
the hundredth time. "Remember, my wife is sick, and I am 
anxious." 

'Well get there on time," replied the conductor, stolidly. 

Half an hour later the nervous man approached him again. 

"I guess she's dead now," said he mournfully, "but I'd give 
you a little something extra if you could manage to catch up 
with the funeral. Maybe she won't be so decomposed bfat 
what I would recognize her ! " 

The conductor growled at him, and the man subsided. 



629 WIT AKD HtmOB. 

"Conductor," said he, after an hour's silence, ^'Oonductor^ 
if the wind isn't dead ahead, I wish jou would put on some 
steam. I'd like to see where my wife's buried Before the tomb- 
stone crumbles to pieces. Put yourself in my place for a 
moment." 

The conductor shook him off, and the man relapsed into pro 
found melancholy. 

" I say, conductor," said he, after a long pause, " Fve got a 
note coming due in three months. Can't you fix it so as to 
rattle along a little ? " 

"If you come near me again, I'll knock you down !" snorted 
the conductor savagely. 

The nervous man regarded him sadly and went to his seat 
Two hours later the conductor saw him chatting gayly, and 
laughing 'heartily with a brother victim, and approached him. 

"Don't feel so badly about your wife's death ? " 

"Time heals all wounds," sighed the nervous man. 

"And you are not so particular about the note?" sneered 
the conductor. 

" Not now. That's all right. Don't worry. I've been figur 
ing up, and I ffnd that the note has outlawed since I spoke to 
you last I" 

 

BUI Perkins on the Blevated Railroad. 

" Do the trains make much noise overhead here ? " I asked 
a resident on Sixth avenue who sleeps directly under the 
elevated railroad track. 

" You just stand under here and talk with me a spell while 
the trains are whizzing by and — there's one now ! " 

[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle, 
rattlel] 

' • "Well, that din does interrupt conversation a little, doesn't 
it ? " I suggested. 

"Well, I guess you'd think so, if—" 



RAILROAD ANECDOTE^^. 628 

[Whish, whang, rattl^to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle, 
rattle I] 

"As I was saying, I guess you'd think so, if every time you 
were right in the middle of a conversation with a cus — " 

[Whish, whang, rattl&*to-bang, pu£P, pish, rattle, rattle, 
rattle !] 

" I say in the middle of a conversation with a — ^ 

[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang !] 

"—-customer, and she was about to order a large bill of 
groceries on which the profit would be five — " 

[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle, 

rattle n 

" Never mind finishing the sentence,'' I said, " I understand 

you perfectly. You would say that when you are right in the 

middle of a conversation with a cus — " 

[Wish, whang, rattle-to-bang 1] . 

" — with a customer, perhaps a wealthy lady or a beautiful 
dam — " 

[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang I] 

" — or a beautiful damsel, and you are just about to close 
the bargain, along comes this miserable elevated — " 

[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang I] 

" — train which drowns your answer. This disgusts the 
lady and she quits the store and goes — " 

[Wish, whang, rattle-to-bang !] 

" — over to the Eight avenue to trade." 

" Yes, that's it," said the man. " This infernal noise comes 
every minute from some up or down train. I can only com- 
pare il to a train of cars running through a tunnel when you 
are trying — " 

[Whish-whang-rattle-to-bang I] 

" — to read a newspaper. The tunnel always comes at the 
wrong time. Perhaps you are reading about a beautiful young 
lady and her lover — how he puts his arm around her, turns 
her sweet lips towai*d his and — " 

44 



624 WIT AND HUMOR. 

rWhiflh I whang I rattle^o-bang l] 

<i — then comes the tonnel and your newspaper is as blade 
as a coal-scntde.'' 

As I left the poor Sixth avenae man he doubled np his big 
fist and exclaimed : ^^ Oh t I want to kill eveiy eng — ^ 

[Whish-whang-ratfle^o-bang-puff !] 

^^ — every engineer who has ever built a railroad tunnel and 
wipe out at one fell swoop every "director of this — " 

[Whish 1 whang ! rattle4o-bang 1 Pofi I pish 1 Batde-ratde- 
rattlel] 

"—elevated road*^ 

Important Railroad Inibrmstion. 

Last week we took a ride over the '^ Alton," and during our 
waking moments were highly edified, amused and instmcted 
by the tone and conversation of two ladies in the seat behind 
onr own. The' variety of their intelligence, and a vast fand of 
general information attracted oar attention, and we just sat 
fte« .nd d«.k tt .a in Ifte eold ttu«, f™:". n^ ^. 

"Do yon suppose they have air brakes on this train? " in* 
quired the one next to the window, with a bronze-green plume 
in her hat 

" Oh, yes, they run 'em now on all trains." 

" What are they for ? " 

*' Oh, they are to ventilate the car and give 'em more fresh 
lar. I heard they intend to put them on cattle cars so the poor 
animals could get plenty of oxygen." 

" Indeed I This is a wonderful age. Did you ever ride in a 
chair car?" 

"Oh, yes ; they are just the nicest kind of cars. Some of 
'em is real easy, too ; have rockers on 'em. But I like the 
sleeper the best." 

" Yes, they are more homelike and comfortable. If any 



RAILSOAl) ANECD0TB6. 635 

accident happens tliey unhook the sleeper and leave it at the 
last station/^ 

*'*' Whj, my I How nice ! " 

^*' Yea, and the sleeper is much more comfortable to ride in, 
because it don't go so fast as the rest of the train.'' 

"It don't?" 

"Oh, no ; Charles says the Pullman Company won't allow 
the railroad to haul the sleepers near so fast as the balance of 
the cars." 

*' Why, how strange ! " 

" Yes, very." 

"What do yon suppose makes the cars, sway so, back and 
forth ? " 

" Oh, I heard the railroad company had been experimenting 
lately with rockers on the cars. It's something to do with 
concussion and retraction of the expansive compression, or 
something of that kind." 

" What a wonderful age ! " 

" It is, really. And these accident insurance companies are 
a great improvement over the old style of traveling. Charles 
says all firstclass roads carry them nowadays, and it nwkes one 
so much more secure to know that they are on the same train 
with one of them. They are worked by electricity, and must 
cost awful high ; don't you think so t " 

" Yes, they must that" 

A Hard Town to Remember. 

The old lady seemed very much worried about something. 
Finally, as the train passed Hinsdale, she caught the conductor 
spasmodically by the coatsleeve and exclaimed : 
"The next station is my place, isn't it, conductor?" 
" I can't tell you," said the conductor. " I don't know the 
name of the place you are going ^o. What's the name ? " 



626 WIT AKD UUHOB. 

" Why, I don't remember," said the old lady, with a puzded 
look. It is a very queer name, though." 

" What does it sound like ?" asked the conductor. 

*'Why, like slidin' on-arScantlin\ and " 

^' O, Ypsilanti is the place, madame," said the oondactor, 
while all the passengers smiled. 

Meals on the U.P. 

At a station on an overland route, the keeper got rather 
short of provisions — in fact, had nothing left but a bottle of 
mustard and some bacon. As the stage stopped there ooe day 
to change horses, the passengers seated themselves at the 
table, and the host said : 

" Shall I help you to a piece of bacon ? " 

'* No, thank you ; I never eat bacon," said one traveler. 

'^ Well, then," said the station-keeper, "help yourself to 
some of the mustard." 



Very Fast Railroading. 

EUP&tfnL 

The expression, "Get there Eli," so prevalent among rafl- 
road men originated in this manner : 

One night I rode all night long over the prairie from Osage, 
Iowa, to catch tlie morning train at Northwood for Des Moines, 
only to find it taken off. I shall never foi^t that morning I 
Benumbed with cold, we rode up to the depot, and I shouted : 

" Has the five o'clock train left for Mason City ? " 

"The what train left for Mason City?" asked the agent, 
rubbing his eyes. 

" The five o'clock train ! " 

" Why. goodness gracious, man, she left last Fall I She's a 
Summer train ; she won't run again until next April, but you 
can sit around the depot here and wait for her ; it's only fooi 
months, and — " 



RAILROAD ANECDOTES. 637 

*^ Thnnderation — !" and then I sat down and almost cried. 
A thousand people waiting for me in Des Moines, and I a 
thousand miles away waiting for a Summer train ? Oh, it was 
too horrible — this riding all night over a dreary prairie to 
arrive at a frozen-up station to wait for a Spring train ! 

What did I do I 

Why, I took another carriage, rode thirty-five miles further 
over the prairie to Mason City, saw the Superintendent of the 
Central Iowa, and with tears in my eyes told him my story. 

" Why, good Lord, Eli, you needn't feel so bad ; we can get 
you there yet," said Mr. Parker, as he slung his right fist 
down on to the telegraph table. 

" How ? " I asked pleadingly. 

"Why, telegraph President Grinnell. He's a Garfield man 
and so are you. Why, he would send you to Halifax for that 
Garfield interview ofyours ! he'd a — " 

" Click, click, click," went the telegraph, and then this reply 
came from President Grinnell : 

" Yes. Can have an engine for $50. Get Eli through to 
Des Moines if you have to kill him to do it ! " 

In ten minutes I was on the engine, and away we went 
flying through Iowa. Oh how we did fly ! 

The village of Hampton looked like one long house. More 
coal, and the stations began to hitch together. Whistled for 
AcUey, but the locomotive ran clear ahead of the sound and 
beat the whistle into town forty seconds. In fact we were off 
five miles toward Marshalltown before the whistle came loafing 
mto Ackley. We went through Marshalltown like a streak of 
chain lightning. The town looked like a few splotcl>e« of 
maroon paint on a side hill. The people all shouted : 

" Get there Eli I " 

" Get there Eli I ! " 

Whistled for Grinnell, turned the comer, and ran into Des 
Moines at 9 o'clock and five minutes, tired, black and miser- 
able, but went to the Opera House and talked as though I had 



628 wrr and HinifoiL 

just come over in a carnage irom the bridal chaoiber of the 
Gty HoteL The audience screamed and laughed when I told 
them about freezing my ears, and, when I told them what 
mental agony I had suffered during the last twenty-four hours, 
they screamed again : they actually thought I was lying. Oh 
its glorious Mr. Downes I glorious to deliver a humorous 
lecture with frozen ears and on an empty stomach ? Olorions ! 
But I am not selfish, oh no ! so the Bureau can let Mark 
Twain and Beecher, and a lot of those old fellows who havenH 
long to live, take the rest of the glory. I think I will stay 
and suffer in my sweet cosy brown-stone house this winter, 
unless the Bureau has some deepnseated grudge against some 
wicked town and must have me to cancel it In the meantime, 
may a kind Providence protect you. 



The Kind Old Oonductor. 

^^ Then you can sometimes quiet an ugly . man on the train ? ^ 
I remarked to the old conductor. 

"Yes, sir," said the conductor, confidentially. '*I believe 
the ugliest man that ever got on a train can be made peaceable 
by kindness. I had a man on my train one night going up, 
that always gets drunk on purpose for a row. He has cleaned 
out lots of trains, and I see he was in for a row. He looked as 
though he had a hot box when he saw me come in the door, 
and grated his teeth. He was full, boiling over, and expected 
to fight to the next station, where he lived, and get off without 
paying. I went up to him and sat down beside him, and asked 
him i£ he had had a good time to-day, and then I pulled out 
some picture cards that I got in a store, and I said, ^ Here, Pat 
take these pictures to your little girl at home, and tell her, as 
she meets you at the door, and throws her arms around your 
neck, and kisses you, and says she is glad you come home 
sober, and that she loves you, and that you are the dearest 
papa in the world, tell her that old Rumsey sent them to her^ 



% 



BAILBOAD/ ANE0D0TB8. 639 

with a kiss. Well, you wouldn't believe it, but before I got 
Iialf through talking about his little girl, the big tears came to 
his eyes, and rolled down his red face, and he took them, 
and thanked me in a choking voice, and said, as he pulled out 
a five dollar bill, 'Take my fare out of this, Rumsey, and Gk>d 
bless you.' I'll bet fhat rough fellow's heart was touched, be- 
cause when he got oif at the next station he was sober, and was 
wiping his eyes on his coat sleeve, and he pointed right straight 
for home. Oh, a man can get in his Christian work on a rail- 
road train, if he wants to. I ought to have been a sister of 
charity instead of a conductor, I know that, but now I am into 
it I am going to stick." 

Oheap Freifirbt. 

'• Please, sir, what's the fare from New York to Chicago ? " 
inquired fin Irishman one day of the ticket agent of the N.Y. 
Central RR. 

'^ Eighteen dollars," replied the agent 

*' An' what d'ye charge for a pig or cow ? " 

*'0h, three dollars for a pig, aud ten dollars for a eow.'* 

"Well," directed Pat, " book me as a pig." 

Ml Perkins and Iowa Railroads. 

** Usually railroads do the best they can for me. They give 
me trains and engines. The old president of the Central Iowa 
has often told me he would give me a special car over his road 
any time rather than have me remain in his town over night 
Once he gave me a season pass, hoping I would use it and be 
eventually killed on the trains. He made this remark because 
I said the Central of Iowa was not a railroad but simply a 
branch of the state penitentiary at Fort Madison. Mr. 
Grinnell once confessed to me with tears in his eyes, that 
all convicts sent to prison over the Central Iowa had the 



• 



680 WIT AND HUMOR. 

time that thej were on the road deducted from their sentences. 
Of late years I am told that as soon as the prison authorities ol 
For